#even if you don't want to apply this to the life series as a whole

[polyearthane]

"mama" by EXO is a life series song change my mind also essay coming soon (not)

[ybklix]

𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲

dear lord, when i get to heaven, please let me bring my man (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡ fr omg

★ lee felix

✦summary: You got your dream job on one of the most important day for fashion industry, everything seems like a fairy tale, until you meet one of the people you are working for, which complicates your thoughts, a guy with an angelic face, however he is for you the devil wearing custom couture Tommy Hilfiger.

✭ content - tags - warnings: smut / one night stand / idol!felix / felix x fem reader / use of “y/n”/ handjob / oral sex / soft degrading / dom felix / semi public sex / unprotected sex / etc lol

word count: 5.1k

(masterlist)

♡ notes: 2024 felix at the met gala ♡

a/n: had to write smth ab my man looking this good on a big day, oopsies / all fiction, don't really know how's behind scenes lol / i'm watching the series so i'm romanticizing the carrie type of writing, enjoy!

There’s an old saying… “what happens in Vegas, stay in Vegas”, and for the New Yorkers with enough amount of luck, the equivalent of that would be: “what happens in the Met Gala, stays in the Met gala.”

You either had to be a celebrity with high status, or a very wealthy person… or sometimes, just part of the staff; yes you were in last link, but you were still happy.

There you were, on the first Monday of May, standing outside of the iconic decorated stairs of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, on the also iconic, 5th avenue of East side of Manhattan. Living your dream, because this year, you were inside, and not anymore as a viewer.

Life was going great for you, you’ll graduate from college exactly in nine days, and you were booked as a tour guide in the Met Gala a month ago. It was your dream job, even though you majored in journalism, working for Vogue was always your dream to be, you’ve been applying for the Met ever since you turned eighteen, and finally there you were wearing a vintage YSL black dress, from a vintage store in Soho, whose rent costs more than you apartment’s, with some Manolo shoes, living your little Carrie Bradshaw fantasy. But that didn’t matter, yeah, she was a woman with a steady job and you only a freshly graduated who expected to get hired as soon as you get your diploma.

They prepared you the whole past month, and you picked up your ID last week; this was going to look wonderful in your resume. You loved fashion, arts, writing, you didn’t care there was another 500 people doing exactly the same as you, you were there, living inside your bubble of the gossip girl and devil wears Prada vibes.

A lot of people hated New York; but you never could, you had a nice apartment on west side of Manhattan and an incredible fashion taste. You had to work as a staff for one the most emerging kpop groups, Stray Kids, or at least that’s what you read about online, you did your research: eight male members, only two of them fluent in English and the rest of them just shy to speak it out loud… you weren’t that unfamiliar at all, you recognized kpop is one of the greatest genres these days, but you were twenty one and going through your finals as the provided you that information, so you followed their social medias, caught up a little in their updates, learned their names and faces —which was very important—, but couldn’t fully concentrate in how handsome they were or at least get yourself a little of fangirlism. Once again, you were sinking in the lasts and very important moments of college.

So the thing was simple, they usually bring their own people around but for this event was the exception, once they stepped on the radar of these popular stairs, they were under the Met Gala staff, that’s when you get in.

You were waiting for them standing among the group of people who would be working the same as you, all with their dress code in black-only etiquette, to go unnoticed. It was your first Met Gala, although you didn't want to flatter yourself either in such a big way, but you had chosen a sexy dress with your back uncovered, you wanted simplicity, but not too much. The heels were starting to bother you a bit until, as fate would have it, a stout black man in charge of monitoring, with headphones on his bald head and clipboard in his hand shouted in a strong New York accent to the group of people you were in.

“The following celebrities are Stray Kids, I repeat so you can listen in the back, Stray Kids is coming! Their team step up to lead them in.”

Nerves got the better of you, it was your turn; you had seen your other ‘colleagues’ guide their respective assigned celebrities, so now it was your time. You hurried to the entrance, along with another girl and two other men. The large black van pulled up to sidewalk and finally, just as you had researched, eight pretty East Asian looking men exited one by one.

You tried to identify the one you had previously studied as their leader and one of the English speakers, until he finally emerged just to one side of you.

“It's this way, boys” your coworker, who was a little ahead of you, led the way.

The eight of them walked a bit and met their designer, the legitimate Tommy Hilfiger, while among the chaos of noise and nerves you tried to identify each one you were working for; they were all wearing long coats but you could distinguish that it was just to hide their real attire.

But apparently you were not the only one nervous, it was also their first Met Gala, an incredibly big event, a bit out of what they knew, in one of the countries where the music market was of utmost importance to consider and succeed, each one of them recognized that this was an important day and simply one more step in their artistic career. They were all nervous and excited; but even so you noticed a somewhat monotonous expression on each of them, you thought it was just nerves. You got a good look at them all as they talked to their designer in charge and noticed how each one had their own charm, they were attractive and smelled quite nice. You thought about how much fun this job is for you, being around celebrities.

“And y/n, right?” he came up to you, the man who had previously been giving directions to your boys.

You nodded, confused, he went on to say:

“I’m informed that you will be going into the museum with them, you can take the lead” he said in a strangely kind tone.

You smiled at him, you had forgotten the last time you met a nice New Yorker. It was when you realized it was time, you took a breath with your cheeks and released them, once you saw they finished their little talk, you took a step so everyone could see you and introduced yourself; it was part of your job and you had been trained for it. You started with a “hi, guys”, told them your name and added that you would accompany them to the exhibit. You looked forward to going in there.

You got the attention of all eight of them, after all they were still men, foreign men excited for a new experience. Once you turned around as you led the way you questioned if wearing that open back dress was the best choice, you hadn't really intended it that way; you also didn't expect them all to be 100 times more attractive in person, the pictures you saw on the internet didn't do them justice.

All the members of Stray Kids were with their respective emotions on edge, but especially one of them didn't know how to control himself. Felix, who at all times kept a serious countenance was more than excited and his body was reacting to it, betraying him, he was aroused. He wasn't exactly in the mood for sex, but somehow he felt uncomfortably hard. He was simply an excited little Asian boy with a not-so-little problem. An erection in his pants.

Felix had the experience at these kinds of fashion events, but simply something about this city drove him incredibly crazy. Somehow he was thirsty for sex… but he didn't feel like he was at this very moment. He had to put on his best show and control his body, he slyly checked his pants and it was a relief that the design was perfectly loose so it couldn't be noticed. But it all got worse when he saw his pretty young guide and staff for tonight, with her pretty makeup and perfect hair done, with her back uncovered.

Felix read her name on her ID hanging on her body and checked slyly if anyone else of his friends and colleagues thought the same as him… he could notice it in the look of his friend Bang Chan, however Felix noticed the little importance that Chan himself gave her and continued treating her with kindness and courtesy, who from time to time gave her a certain look was his other friend Seungmin, who was the master of disguise, but not for Felix, not after knowing him so long and living with him.

But that was just the thrill of the moment, as Felix took full control of his body as he approached his final stretch, an interview and then the longed-for Met Gala stairs. Like a pro idol, he knew how to handle it, and everyone had a spectacular and memorable entrance.

You saw them from afar, Bang Chan had introduced you to each one of them and thanked you for accompanying them even though you hadn’t start yet, you thought he was an unreal man, in fact all eight of them were, their perfectly manicured faces and the subtlety of their make-up were to you so…. You were speechless; but if you had to choose one, putting yourself in the shoes of millions of girls around the world even of your age discovering an attractive boy band, maybe among them all… it would be the only blond guy with long hair. You thought between sighs how cute he was, you were down bad when it came to cute boys, also the long-haired ones.

You remembered his name, Felix; a little strange, it sounded like an old name but somehow it fit him so well, you thought; now you were not only fulfilling your dream job, you would be together with eight handsome men, you almost wanted to let out a little giggle, but it was time to monitor how well they took the pictures of your “bosses” as they posed on the carpet.

You waited a moment more before finally entering, it seemed like hours, until finally the doors opened for you and there suddenly you felt your heart burst, not even Felix's pretty face could have impacted you so much, the exhibition of unique pieces in the haute couture of fashion history.

“You can start to separate and see freely” you mentioned to them.

You saw them, they looked totally lost.

“Mm, I don't think so, we like to stay together” Chan answered with a nervous smile.

“Well, if you like, we can start here…” you spoke.

You didn't want to keep them tied up nor did you want to feel like a big deal, you were only going to accompany them and follow their instructions, however they seemed to follow yours; you gave yourself the task of showing them every corner and giving them a little summary of what each exhibit meant, however you couldn't help hiding your excitement, your eyes shone with care and all eight noticed your adorable expression, even those who couldn't fully understand you because of the language barrier, your expressions spoke for themselves. And Felix couldn't take his eyes off you the whole tour.

Felix didn't understand what was wrong with him, whether it was the excitement of the foreigner, the significant change of time zone, his pretty part of the assigned staff, or the incredible urge to have sex. He wasn't normally like that… well, at least not in places like these. He left the dirty thoughts for later when he was in the quiet of solitude. But just now he had those thoughts of how hot it must be to be fucking someone while wearing that perfectly tailored suit, making a mess among all the tidiness that went with it all.

He wasn't like that… but the more he thought about it, the more he was tempted, he thought it would be the only time he would see you, that you had to be professional and not at all indiscreet, that it would only be one night. He was becoming more and more convinced, what was wrong with him? He was handsome, young, successful and very well endowed, he only needed to show his gifts to someone. Felix thought if that someone could be you; this was not Felix who thinks dating and love were important, suddenly something came over him, like a haughty alter ego blinded by his dazzling fame, ready to just have sex.

The main event started, the dinner and the show, you had gotten a table, only confirmed by the exclusively selected staff in perhaps, one of the worst areas, still you were in, from going to see the Met outside on the street, to being seated next to a bunch of celebrities in the same room; you were so happy you could die the next day thinking you made it.

But once the show was over, little by little so was your spark, it was time to go back to your reality and take a cab home; the folks at that table were mentioning something about an after party, among them and a bunch more… but you didn't want the smell of celebrities and fame to leave your pores and get lost in some stranger's apartment.

You were about to check out when a short woman rushes up to you asking if there was any Stray Kids staff at the table.

“Here, me!” you showed her your ID quizzically. “What's going on?”

“What are you doing here? They're escorting you to the after party.”

Puzzled, you mumbled a “what?” and followed her hurried pace as she was leaving.

“After party, with who?”

The woman stopped in her tracks and turned to look at you.

“Well, who are you working for.”

Impossible, you thought. You were supposed to check out and you weren't allowed to go outside the museum, they couldn't just invite you like that, could they? Why would they? Besides you were working for the museum, not for them. Sadly, you had to make it clear to them.

You walked towards them who were already at the main exit leaving with other celebrities, you got up the courage and approached them.

“Nice to meet you guys, but I think it was a misunderstanding, I can't accompany you, I work for the museum… they didn't give me directions to follow you.”

“And what time do you leave?” Chan asked you with a hoarse voice and eyes fixed on you.

“Just now…” you added awkwardly, not knowing what to say as the eight men stared at you.

“Perfect” Chan said in a thick accent with a smile.

“Now you work for us, let's go to the after party” spoke in a cold, distant and arrogant tone the pretty blond boy who had caught your attention.

You had not heard him speak, not until now. You were too surprised by the contrast of his angelic face and his incredibly thick voice.

You were able to register your exit and hurriedly kept up with the boys.

“We liked the way you explained the exhibition, we will have you as translator now” Chan told you as he quickened his pace leaving you behind.

It didn't make the slightest sense what he just said. You don't even speak Korean.

You sighed and could not deny the excitement of living another adventure, it was not like they were forcing you, you were now going to go to the legendary Met Gala after party.

You got into a dark van along with more of their staff and in the minutes of traffic you were finally there. You couldn't believe it, for a moment you stopped thinking that things made sense.

Luckily you were not alone, but accompanied by another girl in the staff, all looked great but it was evident that no one wanted to socialize with you and it was difficult for you to do so; so you felt uncomfortable and out of place, questioning if you should really be there.

After a few minutes you noticed that Felix stood up from his seat, taking the button of his suit and slyly approached you.

“Can you come with me?” he whispered in your ear with his deep voice.

You froze, and followed him without thinking too much, something wasn't right when it came to him…. besides, you thought you had to follow his instructions.

Felix went to a private bathroom, you wanted to think that maybe he wanted you to take care of his coat… if not, why else would he ask you to accompany him; he entered quickly, in a suspicious way and then came out quickly looking around frantically, until he pulled you by the arm and took you with him to that small elegant bathroom, locking the door. You couldn't process the speed of the actions and suddenly, you saw his piercing gaze in front of yours.

What was going on?

Felix had enough, watching you flirtatiously talking to Chan, sweet talking all his friends, there was nothing else to explain but that he was horny and wanted to have you right now. You weren't stupid, you noticed his looks but wanted to ignore them, but it turns out that wasn't what he wanted.

So there you were, inwardly struggling whether to play along with whatever he intended to do or put your ethics above… you analyzed him, he looked so good with his long hair and white suit, you'd probably never see him again, you wanted to bite your lip just thinking about how dangerous and fast-paced some kind of sex like that would be, on the sly. But you couldn't make up your mind, this was about Conde Nast, your dream, not easy access to fuck.

Felix noticed too the early darkness in your gaze, reflecting lust, he was already hard from just thinking about your ass slapping his pelvis as he thrust his cock in and out your pussy mercilessly. You so wet, making a mess, the two of you indulging in passion while a bunch of people decide to party outside.

“I don't normally do this but… I may only see you once in my life…”

Felix said in a voice thicker than what you had heard and came dangerously close to you, who were glued to the door, perplexed.

“Felix…” you wanted to think clearly but his full lips in a perfect heart shape were distracting you.

“If you want to fuck me… you have to promise me to never tell anyone.”

Felix whispered plaintiff in your left ear, losing himself in the scent of you hair. You couldn't take it anymore, if he kept talking, you might cum at any moment.

You understood the situation of things and the importance of his comment, after all he was still a global superstar. But not telling would not only be a beautiful secret to take to your grave and something fun to remember, but it would also be beneficial for you, because under no circumstances should a female employee have sex with her assigned celebrity. You would be banned from all of Manhattan or the city if possible, public enemy number one.

He moved closer to your ear, thinly brushing his lips on it and making you lose control little by little by his approach. You closed your eyes, completely lost, fuck it, you would fuck him and never see him again, at least not this intimacy.

“Why would I fuck and tell...?” you whispered completely lost in desire.

He chuckled, and finally grabbed you by the waist. Felix sought your lips and you kissed slowly, deeply and passionately, the kiss was so strong that you felt the pressure of his upturned nose on your face. You knew it was so wrong at any angle analyzed… but it felt so right, his lips were soft and he moved them with agility, your hands were still glued to the wall in surprise, but gradually you relaxed and managed to hold on to the ends of his jacket.

Felix also relaxed and his right hand moved down to your naked back and slowly and nimbly he moved his hand in until he squeezed and caressed your ass, his actions surprised you that you almost moaned at the touch, separating you a little from the kiss.

He pulled a few inches away from your lips and, as he ran his hand all around your ass, he looked you over with a look of superiority.

“You're such a slut, only wearing a fucking thong, almost like you were ready for me” he said with a husky voice.

This time you felt his noticeable bulge brush against your belly and his soft touch made you wetter and wetter.

“Get on your knees, beautiful.”

He ordered and you obeyed. Felix was sick of feeling horny, he wanted a quick fix, to strip the tight garments off his cock and be attended to urgently, once he had enough of his own, he was going to take over pleasuring you fully.

Your breath was getting shorter and shorter and you felt his member on the fabric, you thought about how good he looked from below and in all possible angles, then you pulled down his pants, ready to give him the best blowjob ever —or at least you hoped so—, you couldn't resist, you simply pulled down his underwear too, finding his throbbing and delicious cock so needy, its tip was bright pink and poor Felix was already showing signs of small droplets of pre-seminal fluid, and to think he had a fine and angelic face…. You had never felt so hungry and desirous, you were totally possessed; you wanted it in your hands, in your mouth, pounding your face, pounding your cervix… so you felt it, that firm hard manly hunk, at the mercy of your hands, feeling every texture of his skin.

Felix gasped, lifting his buttoned shirt a little, revealing a bit of his smooth but working abdomen. You took some of his fluid and spread it all over his length, lubricating it, it felt so good, but you were also so needy and desperate, and the thin fabric covering your intimate area didn't help at all, you felt the garment getting smaller and smaller, you felt your wet pussy growing and throbbing causing a delicious friction; but you thought you had to be more careful, your whole outfit was black, one stain of semen or fluids and you had to pay for the dress.

You moved a little away from him, hoping that no droplets of him fell on your attire, still you held his erection tightly with your left hand, making frantic movements, back and forth.

He was ecstatic, it was all he needed, to be sexually attended to; the New York air suited Felix Lee wonderfully, and the New York girl… he thought… she was out of this world, her hands felt fantastic on his hard manhood. He wanted to cum roughly, but he wanted to do it dirty in his employee's mouth and pretty face… he would never act like the beastly thing he was doing in Seoul, but new place, try new things.

So between sighs and gasps, he lowered his gaze and tried to communicate with her.

“Use your pretty mouth.”

You never thought he was going to ask, you didn't hesitate for a second, and the grotesque sound of your saliva dripping on his cock were heavenly; his sex was hot and smooth, the texture felt so good inside your cheeks but once again, you are desperate for him to take you and start moving your guts.

Within minutes, Felix cum in your mouth amid moans and groans, and the softest but most effective hair pulls, to make you go exquisitely deeper. You never thought he was so vocal, with a voice like that, you were in heaven; and it took you only a few seconds to drink his cum, as a reward.

“I think we need to get rid of that dress” he said trying to catch his breath. “I'll buy you 3 more, no worries.”

He took you by the chin, inviting you to stand up and helped you take off the dress, you were so excited that your vision was blurred and you couldn't think clearly… what was his next move….

You were amazed at how incredibly hard and standing still he was even after he had just cum, you thought, after all kpop idols did have it all, great stage presence, big penis, music talent, and for sex too.

He sat you on the small counter, him facing the mirror, the stone was cold and you were finally, almost, completely naked in front of him, wearing only your thin thong. Felix wasted no time and positioned himself between your legs, kissing you deeply and desperately as you carefully felt the tip of his penis brush your wet center each time they came closer, he moved his kisses down, to your neck, massaged your breasts and kissed and sucked them mercilessly, you wanted to scream with excitement but you were acutely aware that there were people outside, never mind the noise of the party. Once on your chest, he turned his angelic face up, with a dark mischievous look and that's when you felt his thumb caress your clit.

You moaned in relief, finally your exhausted pussy was going to be given attention. His movements were slow until each time he increased the acceleration, you couldn't help but writhe in pleasure and when your body contracted ready to climax, Felix introduced his fingers inside you, he felt the softness of your insides so lubricated and ready to feel his erection beating you frantically.

“Look at me” he asked once he saw that your attention was focused for a few seconds on his right hand playing with your pussy.

“Uh-mm” you murmured, nodding softly, almost in moans.

You weren't thinking clearly but decided to hold back the urge to cum just to feel his fingers inside you for a few more moments. You looked into his big dark eyes; you felt that he looked more calm and serious with that gaze locked on you and his innocent freckled look, unlike you that your eyes was totally submissive and you were almost about to cry with pleasure, oh and Felix loved that, all that mess because of him.

“I'm going to cum, Fe…” you moaned.

But you couldn't even speak, he accelerated his movements and your belly contracted so pleasantly bringing you to your first orgasm.

“I'm not done yet; let me clean up that mess you made.”

And without warning, Felix leaned down, gripping your thighs tightly, two of his fingers still freshly wet from my fluids, marked on your thigh; Felix ran his hot tongue across your cunt, licking all your cum.

He began to eat your pussy carefully, almost accomplishing step by step and you loved the delicacy of what he was doing, you were seeing stars, you didn't want this to ever end, you wanted him on you all the time. You took advantage and also took hold of his tightly tied hair. He did it so well that you had to cum a second time.

And finally, the act you both had been waiting for since he locked the door; Felix had saved the urge and was once again swollen and throbbing, screaming for attention and action. He cleaned the edges of his mouth in a attractive manner.

“Shit, I don't have a condom” he said in annoyance.

“It's okay, I'd never have your baby anyway.”

Felix smiled and you watched his erection in front of your pussy, until he gently pushed it in, until you closed your eyes once again in pleasure.

“I'm going to cum inside you and make sure your pussy misses every part of me.”

Felix whispered hotly in your right ear as you pressed your bodies closer and closer together, until you ended up with your legs wrapped around his waist, crushing bit of his outfit, and your hands on his shoulders. And then, he rammed you fast and as delicious as no one else had ever done, you moaned softly to avoid any strange noises from outside. It was incredible, you thought, his rhythm was strong and constant and when you began to lubricate his penis more indicating your soon orgasm, Felix separated from you and in quick movements he changed your position, lowered you from the counter, turned your body and introduced his penis making you stand still and making you both see yourselves in the mirror.

You couldn't be happier, you loved the fiction of his shirts stuck to your body of the clothes he still had on, and he began to pound more frantically and wildly, giving way to the sound of your skins colliding and your fluids combining. Felix held you tightly by the waist as he pulled your body away and closer, controlling it in his own way, you wanted to help him, moving your ass a little but his grip was too strong. You were with your back arched, holding tightly to the sink, giving choked moans as you felt his strong thrusts. Watching him fuck you in the mirror was fucking hot, he looked so attractive with his half-open mouth letting out soft moans and his concentrated countenance, frowning and his eyes locked on your ass, then on you.

Felix grabbed your hair in his fist and pulled it to pull you closer to him and glued you to his body, just when you thought it couldn't get any better, his thrusts were deeper that way and you were touching the edge.

“Do you like the way I fuck you, little slut, huh?”

You tried to nod between gripping your hair.

“Say it.”

“Yes-yes, Felix, ahh it feels good.”

“You feel good too, sweetheart, you're doing a great job.”

His dirty talk close to your ear were just more elements to make you cum faster and faster and each time you were more and more surprised, as his pace increased, finally making you climax, for the third time.

Felix smiled in victory as he felt your pussy muscles first tighten and then relax releasing more of your luscious fluids, wetting and hugging his hard cock, Felix continued another small moment, until he cum gloriously inside you and a little more above your ass.

You were perplexed. The sexual connection had been real. You both tried to catch your breath, he helped you put your dress back on and as you changed, Felix felt a little bad about just using you for his carnal desires, for you honestly it had been just a good fuck and you had your feet on the ground being aware that someone like him and you could never be together.

“So… Are you officially working on something related for Vogue?”

You smiled, as you tried to touch up your makeup, it was a bit badly retouched.

“No, it's my dream, they just hired me as a one-off for this year.”

“Maybe you should learn Korean and move there, Vogue Korea is still Vogue, isn't it?” he mentioned flirtatiously.

You chuckled again, that implied many things and at the same time none for you.

“Go out first, y/n, then I'll go out. I'll transfer you for the dresses outside, I don't even have my phone here” he said, finally in his deep voice calmer, almost looking tender, in his thick accent.

You smiled and looked at him one last time, before finally leaving for the party. Leaving you wanting more, but also with nothing more than just sex in the city.

[withleeknow]

wishful thinking. (06)

chapter six: like lightning

summary: the instruction was plain and simple: no strings attached. but you should’ve known from the beginning that it could never apply to you and him.

pairing: minho x f!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: friends to lovers, friends with benefits au, college au; fluff, angst, smut; mentions of sex, swearing, this chapter is also pretty mild in terms of warnings? the angst begins here tho !!! could've been more edited but yk lol word count: 4.9k

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

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If I never laid eyes on you Would I feel something missing? If you never laid eyes on me Would you know something’s gone?

Happy Accidents - Saint Motel

You don't know if you've ever changed, even once, in your life.

You feel like you're still 8 years old and your best friend is the neighbors' elderly dog that they let you play with every weekend. She's a golden retriever, and she would stand taller than you if she could walk on two legs.

You're still 16 and your happiest memories are of a boy who doesn't love you back. But all of your friends say that he does, and oh, how much you want to believe that their words are true.

And at the same time, you're 22, just a few months shy of 23, sitting in front of a canvas showcasing your own bleeding heart. Your growing pains, laid out by acrylics and gentle brush strokes. You liken yourself to the figure in front of you, the one that's standing in the corner of your painting, overlooking a sea of blues and grays. There's a piece of you that's left behind in everything you create. Sometimes, you leave it there on purpose, a memorabilia for your future self to look back at fondly.

You think of everything in your life that has changed and how you're the only thing that has managed to remain the same. The dog eventually dies and the boy moves on with his life. The passage of time is relentless but you seem to be the only one who can't keep up with the tireless flow. You're always running in place, always stuck behind in the end. There's a past in which you still live, one where you don’t know if you'll ever make it out of.

You think of home and the search comes up empty, like it does every single time. Home isn't here inside of your own body, nor is it within the four walls of your childhood bedroom. You've never felt like you belong anywhere. Everything is always fluctuating, constantly and unabatingly spinning and spinning and spinning when all you're asking for is a minute to stand still and catch your breath.

Home isn't always a place, that much you know. Maybe home isn't even a thing that you build but something that you find, in a person or a touch, in a feeling or a scent. Perhaps that's the problem, isn't it? Home is something you find, and you've spent your whole life searching.

People say your early 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life but that sentiment has never resonated with you. These are the years that you spend in excruciating limbo, where you're not an adult but you're forced to be anyway. The years where loneliness is an invisible friend that shadows you day in and day out, a presence you don’t want around but can't seem to shake off, a haunting that's far too gentle to be considered such. These aren't your best years; these are your saddest years.

None of it helps build character. It just hurts.

It hurts. You accept that it hurts. You keep on living, always accompanied by the hurt. At some point, it stops bothering you as much; you've grown numb to the way it stings, but it doesn't mean that there aren't days where you're pierced with a sudden and debilitating hollowness in your chest.

Here you are, half an adult but still a child, wondering if you know anything more than you did when you were 8.

You just want to go home, but you don't know where home is.

You look at the small pool of yellow acrylic paint that's been sitting on your palette for a while now. It feels so out of place among the other insipid tones, even though that has always been your intention - a burst of life amidst a sea of blues.

You don't think about anything in particular when your fingers pick up a brush and dab it in a generous amount of paint. It doesn't make much sense, but it feels right. You don't think about anything in particular when your hand smears the color on the cavas, on the figure, a startling stroke right in the center of her chest, contrasting all of the dulls and darkness surrounding.

Though, you do think of him afterward. Of him and daffodils and spring.

The rest of your friends are already present when you and Felix show up at Chan and Jess' shared apartment, holding boxes of pizzas and a case of beer.

It's a cute tradition that was started last year, when all of you promised to gather the final Friday of every month to have a cozy little dinner party among yourselves. It usually takes place at Chan's, since his apartment is bigger than the rest of yours, and because him and Jess are practically the parents of the group anyway.

The second you step into the living room, a chorus of groans erupts all around. Hyunjin and Jisung are the most vocal petulant babies, pouting from their seats, complaining that you two took too long and that they've been starving for hours.

You and Felix shrug off your jackets before delegating the tasks to the lot of them, since you were in charge of picking up the food for tonight. Minho and Seungmin grabbing plates and cups from the kitchen for Changbin and Jeongin to set on Chan's large coffee table.

You opt for a seat on the carpeted floor, next to the spot on the cream-colored couch where Minho left his phone, feeling more comfortable this way since the table is a little low for your liking. They come back a few minutes later, and you smile up at Minho when he reclaims his seat on the couch.

"Hi." He smiles back, smoothing a hand over your hair in greeting.

"Hi," you say. Even a touch so simple warms you up from the outside chill you were in mere minutes ago. No one else notices his lingering hand on you, or it's just such a you and Minho thing to be mildly affectionate with each other that the others don't care to comment on anymore.

You all fall into easy conversation soon after everyone starts digging in, chatting amongst yourselves as you always do. You and Hyunjin lament about your respective projects, reiterating the frustration that you've already expressed through your texts for the zillionth time. Chan and Jess nag Jeongin about introducing his girlfriend to the group, to which the younger one responds with an exaggerated groan as one would when their parents ask about grandchildren, though he does placate them by promising to bring her along the next time there's a party.

You don't care enough to tune into Minho's conversation with Changbin and Felix about the new gym they started going to. You do, however, catch Changbin's attempt to tease Minho. A playful scoff, followed by, "Minho lost his abs ages ago."

Your response is automatic and therefore, it doesn't warrant much thought from you before the words are tumbling out of your mouth. "No, he has abs. They're still there."

You don't recognize the weight of your words until you notice all chatter has halted, and you look up to find all eyes on you.

"How do you know that?" Jeongin is the one to voice everyone's collective thought, puzzled, a little surprised.

"Yeah, isn't Minho notoriously weird about that stuff?" Felix adds.

You blink in a daze, and you don't know if your face is reddening because of embarrassment but you sure hope that it isn't. The mouthful you're munching on gives you a reason to stall, your reputation of being a slow eater makes the excuse more believable when you don't answer right away.

As subtly as you can, you nudge Minho's leg with an elbow. He just laughs, though you're pretty certain he can tell that you're internally freaking out.

"I was walking her home from class a few weeks ago and we got caught in the rain. She let me come up to her apartment to change," he says calmly.

You remember that day. He was walking you from campus back to yours, so that part was true. But it didn't start raining until you were both sheltered in the comfort of your apartment, with him on top of you as he fucked you nice and slow on the couch. You didn't know when the rain stopped, but it must've been some time during your shower that you offered him to join with the innocent intention of cleaning yourselves up and saving water, only for him to end up on his knees with his face between your legs and his fingers buried deep inside of you. He'd made you come three times that afternoon, then took you out to udon afterward.

"And you just... changed in the middle of her living room or something?" Changbin asks, his eyes narrowing slightly.

Minho shrugs, completely nonchalant. "Yeah."

The silence in the room persists as you swallow down the bite. Their stare lingers on the pair of you, then they turn to look at each other like they're speaking a secret language that you're unfamiliar with. Why is it such a scandalous thing for you to see Minho without a shirt? You've seen your other guy friends shirtless numerous times before, when all of you are hanging out in someone's apartment on particularly hot summer days.

Though, they aren't wrong. The arrangement between the two of you muddles your memory, but you don't really remember seeing Minho flaunt his bare skin often before.

You're about to squeeze out a weak response to aid Minho's explanation, but your friends just start nodding along in acceptance.

"I guess that makes sense. If there's anyone who would see him naked, it'd be Y/N."

This definitely makes you blush. Minho laughs again.

"What?! I did not see him naked."

Well, look who's a liar now?

"Y/N, and whoever he's banging," Hyunjin supplies, which seriously doesn't help the flush on your cheeks at all.

"Why would it make sense that it was me?" you protest.

"Because you're his favorite." Jess is the one who answers, to which the rest of your friends all hum in agreement. The way they're reacting makes it seem as though it's just a fact of life that you're Minho's favorite, and that whatever boundary he lets you cross or whatever rule he breaks when it comes to you is simply a result of this fact.

Not once has it crossed your mind that everyone might have a favorite person in the group, but now that it's been said, you quickly conclude that Minho would be your favorite too (your secret arrangement notwithstanding.)

You glance up at him, seeking reassurance with a curious blink. "Am I?"

"You're alright," is what he tells you in lieu of a confirmation. "The least annoying one."

And you don't know if it's the way he speaks ever so gently when he looks at you or how his lips curl up in a knowing smile that sends a tingle of warmth down your spine. Or perhaps the culprit is the softness in his sharp eyes that makes you a little dizzy, makes a pair of butterflies go rampant at the pit of your stomach, as though they're prepared to soar when the ardor of spring begins to thaw the winter frost.

Chan laughs, "That's practically a declaration of love from Minho."

At one point, Hyunjin looks around and comments with a mouth stuffed full of pizza, "Wow. We are literally perfectly divided."

All eyes fall onto him, clearly no one is catching his drift.

Hyunjin swallows his food and washes it down with a big sip of beer before gesturing vaguely at the group, "All the singles are on the floor."

You look at the people on the couch while they stare back at you, Hyunjin, Seungmin, Changbin and Felix sitting comfortably on the fluffy rug.

"I'm single," Jisung says, pointing at himself. "Should I get on the floor?"

"No, you're not," Seungmin says flatly.

"What?"

"Didn't you get back together with your ex girlfriend?"

"What?" Jisung practically squeaks out. "Man, what are you talking about?"

"I live with you. We literally share a wall. I heard you last week. The whole two hours."

“You were home?!”

"My shoes were by the door. I had dishes in the sink. I went to the bathroom to pee several times."

Jisung gasps, growing redder and redder as more eyes start diverting their attention to him. He opens his mouth only to promptly close it as he thinks of what to say. Repeats the process a few times. "We didn't hear you. You never said anything," is what he settles on stuttering out. Then, "Why didn't you bring it up? Why do you have to air out my dirty laundry now?"

"It's more entertaining to embarrass you in front of everyone." Seungmin shrugs, and ignores Changbin's subsequent comment calling him a pervert. "And no wonder you didn't hear me. You were going at it like you were rabid."

"Wait," Jeongin says, "when did you even get back together?"

"We didn't. It's complicated! We're just… y'know…"

When Jisung trails off sheepishly with the bright blush still apparent on his cheeks, Minho cuts in, finishing his sentence bluntly, "Boning."

You send him a glare from where you're seated on the floor, to which he just gives you a lopsided grin and nudges you with his knee.

While everyone else is busy bombarding Jisung with questions on potentially getting back together with his ex, Minho quietly slithers down to the floor like a stealthy cat, squeezing himself into the space between you and Felix. Minho rests his arm behind you on the couch, leaving it stretched out comfortably on the cushions, just lightly touching your back. Usually, when you two are alone, he would have his arm wrapped around your shoulders so he could pull you close, until you're safely tucked into his side where you would remain on most of your evenings spent together. But for now, he leaves his arm where it grazes you only slightly as you sit among friends, with the exception of his hand reaching to play with your hair once in a while.

"Hey!" Hyunjin practically screeches, pointing at Minho when he notices. "Why did you get on the floor?"

"What?" Minho asks innocently. "You said the singles are on the floor."

"You're not single. You have a girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend."

Hyunjin scoffs. "You have a sneaky link."

"Hmm, not the same as a girlfriend."

"Why can't you just tell us, man? There's gotta be something else you're hiding."

You stay quiet, still as a statue while they bicker back and forth, like the mere motion of your breathing could give your secret away. You don't doubt that Hyunjin has been hounding Minho about his new discovery ever since the night of Yeonjun's party, but Minho seems unfazed about it, evading Hyunjin's badgering with a calm composure that's distinct to no one else.

You excuse yourself to the bathroom, quickly shuffling away as if your absence at the table would help make things seem less suspicious for Minho. You splash some water on your face, wait for a while until it feels like an appropriate amount of time has passed for them to have already moved onto another topic. You are, quite literally, hiding from your own friends.

Moments later, you re-enter the room with gentle footsteps and a certain tension in your spine, but you soon grow relieved when you find that the conversation has somehow shifted to Seungmin and his on-again off-again not-girlfriend, about which he just seems kinda sad for a few seconds before he's telling everyone to fuck off and mind their own business, always quick to conceal any and all emotions. He's similar to you in that way, you suppose.

You sit back down next to Minho who's still on the floor, though you put a little distance between your bodies that wasn't previously there. You don't know if it's enough to be noticeable, but he does look at you for a brief moment before leaning a bit closer, asking softly so only you could hear, "Walk you home later?"

You embark on the familiar route from Chan and Jess' place back to yours. It's not that late, barely even 10PM on a Friday night, but the streets are almost deserted. Barely anyone tipsily roaming the streets with their friends in tow; just a few cars passing by every now and then. You relish in the peace and quiet, sighing softly to yourself as you walk in the crisp evening air.

Minho takes casual strides next to you, letting his hand brush against your hand for a while until his pinky finds its way around yours. The tranquility of the city is nice, but being with Minho is even nicer.

Just some of the stars have come out to play, though the way they gleam and glimmer is enough to make up for what they lack in numbers. It's easy to get lost tonight, when you're looking up at an infinite sky with little light and only Minho's pinky hooked around yours like an anchor to guide you back home.

In the grand scheme of things, you're just a speck of dust. You're young and confused - 23 is still a child in your mind - and most of all, you're insignificant. Not in a self-disparaging way. Maybe in the literal sense of the word would be more accurate.

You are insignificant, merely a face among billions of faces. In a crowd of hundreds, or maybe only dozens, you're not someone who would stand out and be picked. Sometimes, it's nice to blend right in and hide in plain sight; you don't particularly enjoy being under the spotlight anyway. But sometimes, it's lonely to be just a drop in the ocean. You could sink right to the bottom and no one would even notice.

Maybe that's why you enjoy being around Minho so much. He makes you feel safe, and seen, like you matter in the end. He makes you feel like if you were to disappear one day, there's a person out there who would go to the ends of the earth in search of you.

You hope that he sticks around, that he wants to be in your life for as long as you can have him. You're not sure what it is that makes you sick to your stomach at the mere thought of losing him; perhaps because you know you will never come across another one like Minho in your lifetime. There's nobody else that can make you feel the same way he does.

I don't want to lose you. You're the only good thing I have.

An intersection, two left turns, and your apartment building comes into view all too soon.

"Wanna come up?" you ask bashfully. The streetlights do a good job at masking your light flush.

"I can't tonight," he says, a little apologetic. "I'm going to my parents' house first thing in the morning."

"Oh." You're disappointed for no specific reason. Sure, you were practically glued to Minho's side for most of the evening, but you were also surrounded by the very friends who are unaware that you two have been sneaking around behind their backs. It's been about over a week since you hung out with him alone, which isn't that long ago by any means, but still. "For the weekend?"

"Yeah, just for the weekend."

There's a selfish urge, just a tiny one, to ask him to come for a while anyway, maybe only twenty minutes or so, but you swallow it down and wave it away. "Okay, have fun. Say hi to the cats for me."

"I'll send you pictures," he tells you. "They miss you, y'know."

You smile at that, laughing a little. "They've met me once."

Last fall, you and your friends all took a weekend trip to Minho's childhood home for his birthday. It was fun for you, though you're not sure how much his parents actually enjoyed it, considering they had to house and feed almost a dozen kids that weren't their own. You remember the cats, of course you do, and how Soonie took an immediate liking to you, how he mostly hovered around your personal space whenever you were in the house.

"No, seriously. My mom says Soonie meows your name once a day."

You throw him an eye roll, accompanied by a light punch to his shoulder.

"Goodnight, Min," you say. "Text me when you get home."

"Okay."

Even after that, the two of you still stay rooted to the spot, your pinkies interlocked. Minho's gaze doesn't leave your face, and for a moment there, it feels like most of the stars didn't show up because they all left to gather in his eyes.

"Can't go up if you don't let me,” you quip, glancing at your hands, knowing full well that you can easily retract your finger if you want to.

His eyes stay on you for just a moment longer. "Let me kiss you," he asks softly, releasing your pinky only to take your hand in his, tugging you closer until you’re all up in each other's personal space.

You blink at him, your heart caught somewhere in your throat. You're close enough that you can feel the warmth radiating off his body. "Min…" you murmur but you don't actually know what you want to tell him, so the nickname hangs like an idle lantern in the bubble of space between your faces.

"Just a goodnight kiss."

"Friends don't kiss," you say meekly, reminiscent of your conversation over a week ago.

"Friends don't have sex either," he repeats.

"But we’re not having sex."

"You asked me to come upstairs. What do you think we would've done?"

And he's right. If he had agreed to come up, then you would probably be pressed against the door right now, with his hands trailing down your body, removing every article of clothing they find, his lips kissing every exposed patch of skin along the way.

Minho would've been kissing you regardless - anywhere and everywhere, and you wouldn't have had any qualms about it like you do right now, even though you want to kiss him too.

"Maybe I wanted you to come up to make you peel tangerines for me while we watch a movie."

He says nothing to that, only grins amusedly and leans in to nudge his nose against yours. It's so cute that you can't help but mirror the quirk of his lips. You're sure that no one else gets to see this version of him - the one that boops you like an overly affectionate cat and smiles like you're his favorite person not just in your little group, but in the whole wide world.

"I haven't kissed you all week," he murmurs, his voice so gentle in the quietude that surrounds you. "You were right there but I couldn't kiss you all night."

You lose yourself in his brown eyes, the same eyes that hold nothing but sincerity and fondness for you. The stars here are brighter than the ones overhead.

"Let me kiss you," Minho says, "please?"

You cave. Of course you do.

The first glide of his lips over yours has you weak in the knees. Something sinks in as he kisses you deeply. Under the streetlights, not surrounded by your familiar four walls like a long lost secret but out in the open where anyone can see, even though there's not a single soul around.

Again, tears well up behind your eyelids the same way they did that morning you woke up next to him for the first time. You don't know what it is, never felt this way around anyone except for him. It's akin to the feeling of finally coming home after being away for a long time, or at least that's what you think that's how it would feel.

You don't want to be caged in by the walls of your own making. You want to be seen, and you want to be seen by him. You're the remnants of snow and ice stuck between cracks in the sidewalk, and he is warmth. You're a mosaic of a daffodil garden caught in an endless winter, and he is spring. Minho is the brief but wonderful moment when cherry blossoms have yet to fall from their branches, but green leaves are already growing impatiently, resulting in the beautiful coexistence of pinks and greens if only just for a few days.

You let him kiss you until you're both out of breath, let him wrap his strong arms around your body and hold you like he could mend all of your broken pieces. Maybe he could. Maybe you'd like him to make you whole again.

When Minho pulls away, he doesn't stray very far. He puts enough distance between your faces so you can catch your breath. But even then, you have a hard time getting air back into your lungs. He's looking at you like he would pick the moon for you if you asked, like moving mountains is no more difficult than peeling tangerines for you whenever you get a craving.

The streetlights are dim, but the stars in his eyes are bright enough to tell you something that his words don't.

It hits you all at once, in a moment where even the wind is still, as if it's been reduced to a mere spectator, watching the two of you with bated breath on the sidelines. The tipping point can be something as simple as him asking - almost pleading - to kiss you goodnight with no ulterior motive, no other intention than because he wants to. As though it would kill him if he had to go another minute without kissing you.

You realize why he's the yellow to your sea of blues, why you're so happy every time you look at the bracelet on your wrist. You realize why you feel so safe around him, why he makes you experience emotions that no one else can. You realize why you don’t like hearing about Hana, or any other person in the same sentence as his name with the implication that he could be romantically involved with them.

You realize why you kissed him for the first time all those months ago, and it wasn't because you were sad and he just happened to be there and let you cry on his shoulder. The times that your friends would tell you how you and Minho would be perfect together - you wanted it to be true. You knew it was true - that he was someone you could love, the only person who's worth opening up to. You kissed him because you wanted to love him. You realize why it made you soar when he kissed you back, because you wanted him to love you too.

You realize why the thought of losing this friendship terrifies you. You realize why you asked him to stay that night after the party and the club, even though you had never allowed him to sleep over before. You realize why the other week you let him only kiss you and nothing else, and you realize why your heart is hammering in your chest this very second, why your knees are weak, why you can't really breathe here in the middle of an empty street under a moonless sky, just because he's looking at you as if it's not the sun that the earth revolves around but rather, it's a girl who has never learned how to say what she means.

You're good at leaving things alone; it's a skill that you've unintentionally mastered over the years. Nothing has to change if you let it remain the same. And yet, the one exception always seems to be Minho, and you're a mirror of yourself when you're with him. You like the version of you that only he's able to bring out, and he does it effortlessly every time. He pulls happiness out of you so easily that it's hard to ignore what you feel for him, hard to convince yourself that what you harbor for him is still only platonic affection.

It comes bubbling up to the surface without your permission. It strikes you the same way lightning splits open the whole sky on a cloudless night, abrupt and unmistakeable. Love isn't something that you've ever come close to, and you have always been an unbeliever when people answer "You just know," in response to "How do you know when it is love?"

Though as you stand right here, right now, you think maybe this is what love is supposed to look like, personified with starry eyes and shallow dimples when he smiles.

Before he leaves, Minho presses another sweet kiss to your cheek. You're still dazed by the dawning, overwhelmed by the recognition that you can only mutter a stupid "Bye," when he bids you good night.

As you watch him go, there's something else you realize, almost tragically, that you've always been a ruiner. You run away the moment shit starts getting too real, even if it means letting beautiful things slip through your fingers like running water.

Love just isn't something you've ever learned to hold.

all rights reserved © withleeknow. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 15.04.2024]

[randxmthxughts]

Chosen by Eywa - The Dream Hunt - Chapter 1

chapter 2 →

summary: eywa makes no mistakes... in the midst of his preparation to become the future olo'eyktan, neteyam is told to be with a chosen mate. guided by the signs of eywa, tsahik picks y/n, a woman orphaned by the war, whose heart already belongs to another

contains: arranged marriage, mentions of war and grief, angst, one-sided enemies to lovers

wc: 4.6k

a/n: i just wanted to say a major THANK YOU for 4k and for the support you have shown for this series before i even posted anything 😭 i hope this meets your expectations, and i am very excited for the next chapters

chosen by eywa masterlist | general avatar masterlist

Eywa makes no mistakes. Y/N had clung to these words her whole life, since the day her parents were taken by the merciless war against the sky people. She found comfort in knowing that her journey was already prewritten, destined for a greater purpose. But she had never expected for Eywa to turn her world upside down, forcing her to question everything she believed in, and lead her to a love that she never imagined possible…

The scent of smoldering herbs filled the air, mingling with the soft groans and hushed whispers of the healers attending to the small party of warriors. Y/N's deft hands worked quickly, spreading the last thick layer of healing poultice over the gash on his arm. He winced at the searing pain, then let out a weak chuckle at his own reaction.

"Mawey," she murmured to the injured warrior, her voice sweet with warmth that she failed to conceal, “We are done.” Their eyes met briefly, and a blush crept up Y/N's cheeks.

She turned away, to hide a small smile that tugged at the corners of her lips, and stepped closer to Kiri to search for another remedy in their shared basket. Neteyam, sitting beneath his sister's tender ministrations, winced slightly. His eyes then spotted Y/N, who was rifling through the herbs and ointments, though her thoughts seemed to drift somewhere else.

“What are you looking for?” Kiri asked, poking her head out from behind her brother.

“Oh,” Y/N turned, flashing the siblings a sheepish smile, “Was just making sure that we had enough eanean.”

Kiri nodded, though she was hardly convinced. Having worked with Y/N side by side for years now, she had grown to read her subtle moods. Over the past few months especially, with the increased work, the two women had become closer, and Kiri had suspected that there was something going on between Y/N and Kaye, the warrior she was just tending to. But she ultimately decided not to intervene. 

“I still don’t understand how you even crossed paths with those skxawngs at the Eastern border,” Kiri returned to the conversation she was having with her brother.

"They were lying in wait," Neteyam answered, his gaze still fixated on Y/N, "I don't know how they figured out we'd be there today, but they attacked us from above."

"That's very bad," Kiri sighed, applying fresh bandages to his back, “What if there were more of them?”

She circled to stand in front of her brother, while her eyes darted around the spacious tent. The healing tent had been expanded due to Mo’at’s request, who had decided that the old one was too cramped. Mo’at also took on more students because of the attacks from the sky people, and the clan now boasted a larger number of healers than ever before.

"We probably wouldn't have made it out alive," Neteyam sighed, disappointed. 

The future Olo’yektan saw no point in hiding the intensity of the day’s event; he had barely escaped his own death earlier. He was assigned to lead the party, and the weight of bringing his warriors to safety was heavy on his shoulders. How could he ensure they would never end up in the same situation again? Getting trapped by the sky people, almost facing death. He couldn’t help but feel insecure in his own ability as the future chief, maybe he wasn’t ready to pass his Dream Hunt yet.

Kiri's shoulders slumped in response, though the answer wasn't difficult to guess. She stole a quick glance at Y/N, who seemed to be frozen in place, listening to the conversation. If anything happened to Kaye, if she lost another person she loved to the war, would she be able to bear it?

The familiar touch of Kaye's hand on her back broke Y/N out of her thoughts. As he passed by, uttering a grateful "thank you," she blushed deeply, but the worry in her eyes was not lost on Neteyam.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Y/N dipped her feet into the cold water, feeling the soreness starting to slip away from her body. The river was serene, calming her, as she had been on her feet all day, working under the watchful eyes of Mo’at and tending to the injured warriors. Kaye, who sat next to her, nudged her thigh with his. She could feel the warmth of his body against hers, his canines peeking out with a small smirk.

“You know I don’t like it when you are upset with me,” he said, nudging her again playfully, “Y/N.”

Her ears twitched, as she turned to look at him with a hint of annoyance at how unserious he was being. He had accidentally blabbered about his stupid idea to take on two geared up sky people at once and almost lost his arm during the encounter.

“The Great Mother may have looked after you today, but it won’t always be so,” she said firmly, “I lost my parents to a slip-up like this. Eywa does not intervene in these matters.”

“I know,” Kaye cupped her cheek tenderly, recognizing the reminiscing in her eyes, “I will be more careful.”

She leaned into his touch, eyes closing for a moment with a small sigh. Her mind wandered back to the memories of her parents. It was a pain that never fully went away, a constant ache that still kept her up at nights.

“I worry about you, Kaye,” she murmured.

“And I worry about you,” he replied softly, his thumb rubbing circles on her cheekbone, “Which is why I think it is time to tell my family about us.”

Y/N blinked at him, feeling the familiar spark of hope ignite within her, but she quickly pushed it aside. She had heard these words from Kaye before, a promise that he had broken time and time again. His family held importance in the clan, his parents were strict, determined to arrange a mate for Kaye, just like they did for the rest of their children. And she was never worthy of their attention. She had nothing to offer to them. Kaye knew that too well, but he continued to give both of them false hopes of a bright future together.

“You don’t have to, it is no rush,” she mumbled, wondering if her devotion to him would ever be matched, “I don’t want you to fight with your parents.”

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Like in the womb of Pandora, surrounded by the elders and the Tsahik, Neteyam proudly wore the white paint on his body as he silently took a seat in the middle of the circle. His mother lingered behind with a mixture of worry and pride on her face; she had looked forward to the day her firstborn passed the Dream Hunt, but the earlier encounter with the sky people had shaken her slightly. What if Neteyam was too tired and wouldn’t survive his uniltaron? Jake threw an assurring arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his chest, and she gratefully complied, peeking at her son with a smile. Jake was grinning, confident that Neteyam, who had already accomplished so much at his age, would pass his trial with ease. He had prepared for it for months, what’s one more rite?

The chanting began to pick up with the beginning of the ritual, and knowing his role too well, Neteyam opened his mouth willingly when Mo'at approached him with a glowing worm hanging from her fingers. The worm wiggled around as Neteyam closed his lips around it and chewed it down. The smoke from burning herbs filled his nose and eyes, burning all the way to his lungs. 

The chant grew louder and more hypnotic, and the taste of the worm on his tongue numbed his buds like a torch. Neteyam felt his body vibrate involuntarily, and as his father placed an arachnoid on his neck, he felt it stung him twice mercilessly. Neteyam squeezed his eyes shut, blocking out the noise and the pain, as his mind began to slip into a trance. He could feel his lungs give out with a sharp pain and as he desperately gasped for air, it seemed like he was falling, spiraling down with nothing to grab onto. His heartbeat suddenly was louder, faster in his ears, thumping in a rhythm as he plummeted it down. The world went dark, and when he opened his eyes, Neteyam saw himself in the forest, surrounded by mist.

His body went limp for a moment, bright sunlight blinding his vision. He gathered his energy and barely moved to his feet, when with a sudden gust of wind, a banshee flew right above him, so close to the ground that it almost threw him off. Instinctively, Neteyam reached to cover his eyes with his hand, and then he was no longer himself.

His body ached, as it began to stretch out. His hands were growing, transforming into wings, as venom flowed through his blood, he was suddenly floating above the forest. It was like he was on the back of his ikran but the feeling was more intense. Unmistakably, his mind was no longer his own, Neteyam saw and felt through the banshee.

A rush of adrenaline burst through him, and Neteyam, for the first time in his life, was free, as he soared through the sky. He couldn’t express it, but he could feel it somewhere in his heart that this is what he was meant to be. One with Eywa.

As he flew over the trees, he spotted and neared closer to himself. His own Na’vi body stood small and fragile from the new point of view. But there was also somebody else standing next to him. A woman holding his hand. She was laughing, her voice vibrantly filled his ears with a pleasant sound. A long necklace wrapped around her neck and hung all the way down to her stomach, adorned with big beads, glistening under the sun, and blue feathers. Her hair was let down in soft waves, and her face… When Neteyam tried tracing her features, he realized he couldn’t. The image began to slip away from him, and he felt his body betray him once again…

Suddenly, his eyes flew open, the darkness of the cave enveloping him. His trembling body was arched, palms digging into the soil beneath him, sweat rolling down his face in big drops. Neteyam took a moment to regain his breath, heart pounding.

“It is finished,” Mo’at’s voice broke the silence, words echoing through the cave.

Neteyam winced slightly at the loudness and rubbed his eyes to regain his vision. He could feel the eyes of elderly on him, then the relief in his mother’s voice, as she rushed to his side. Her hands reached for his face, massaging his temples.

“Did you see your spirit animal?” Neytiri asked with a smile, her eyes brimming with curiosity.

Neteyam nodded weakly, a small smile of his own stretching across his lips. 

“I saw an ikran… I was the ikran!” he exclaimed, his laughter filling the cave.

Jake and Neytiri joined in his giddy laughter, the rest of the circle smiling in approval. Neytiri pulled her son into a tight embrace.

“We are very proud of you, son,” Jake said, crouching down next to them and patting Neteyam’s head, knowing exactly what he went through.

“Thank you,” Neteyam smiled, then as if he remembered another vision from his Dream Hunt, continued, “But I saw something else too!”

Mo’at approached him hastily, making a room for herself, as she splayed her fingers against Neteyam’s face. She peered into his amber eyes with curiosity, urging him to continue.

“I saw a woman,” he smiled, the memory returning to him, “She was holding my hand… well, the hand of my Na’vi body.”

Neytiri gasped softly, her eyes widening with shock. Mo’at’s expression remained stoic, though she gripped Neteyam’s shoulder. 

“Did you recognize her, child?” she questioned, concealing her surprise.

“No, I couldn’t see her face,” Neteyam shook his head with a slight disappointment, “She was a Na’vi woman. But I couldn’t see her clearly.” He looked to his father, seeking answers, but found only confusion there. 

Neytiri and Mo’at shared a knowing glance before rising to their feet. Neytiri brought her hands to her chest, anxiety etched onto her features. Jake registered it immediately, now alerted too by their reactions. 

“Is something wrong?” he whispered to her.

She looked back at him, confusion marring her expression. She wasn’t really sure what it meant, only knew that Eywa very rarely sent a vision during the uniltaron. Mo’at circled around Neteyam, the air thick with tension. He waited patiently, his eyes trained on his grandmother, though he was already a little worried by how long she waited to speak. She took a step back and motioned for him to stand up. He complied, his body still weak.    

“The Great Mother had blessed you with another vision, a peek into your destiny,” Mo’at’s tone was serious. 

Jake’s ears perked up, unsure if it should excite him or scare him. He looked around the cave, seeking for a similar reaction, but everyone except him and Neteyam seemed to have an idea of what it meant. 

“What does it mean, grandmother?” Neteyam asked carefully.

“It is time, Neteyam,” Mo’at spoke with a glimmer of pride in her eyes, “The Great Mother thinks you are ready to take a mate. Your journey begins now.”

Neytiri wrapped her arms around her son once more with a bittersweet smile. She seemed relieved by the explanation. Neteyam, like the perfect son, had passed every rite on his own. Now it was time for him to face the rest of his challenges with a woman by his side, someone he would love and cherish. He wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. Jake watched with the same confused expression on his face, ever so often glancing at Neytiri to try and understand how he should react.

“If you have already chosen a mate in secret from the clan, you must reveal it now, child,” Mo’at spoke again. 

“No, grandmother, I have not chosen,” Neteyam shook his head firmly, “I am not mated with anyone.”

“Very well,” Mo’at heaved a sigh, then tilted her head slightly, “Do you have anyone in mind for the role?” 

“No,” he shook his head again, this time slightly embarrassed by his own answer. It was the only thing he lacked so far, “I didn’t have time for that.”

The words brought a pang of guilt to his parents. They both lowered their ears immediately, feeling fully responsible for raising their son with such a weighty burden on his shoulders.

“Good. Then the search begins,” Mo’at announced, “You will hear the answer soon.”

Neteyam felt his heart sink. His mouth hung open, as he looked around the cave for support but the elderly only seemed content with the decision and began to disperse. He would hear the answer? Were they going to decide for him? Of course, arranging bonds was quite common and successful in his clan, especially within the line of Olo’eyktans. Their mates were chosen carefully, keeping in mind that the couples had to be strong enough to lead their people through thick and thin. But he was content with his life as of now, exploring the forests and working on his skills. Neteyam didn’t feel ready, despite his vision. He glanced at his father, who was now frowning and clearly holding himself back from speaking, biding his time until they were left alone to discuss the matter further.

“Neteyam, you should go to the celebration, your brother and sisters have been waiting for you this whole time," Neytiri spoke softly.

"But mother -" Neteyam tried to protest.

"No buts, boy," his father interjected, “You did well. Go celebrate."

“Fine,” Neteyam nodded, his voice falling to a whisper.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

It has been a few days since Neteyam passed his Dream Hunt, but he was already impatient for his grandmother’s decision. It could take her months to make it, yet he couldn’t help the anxiousness. Was he too late to choose a mate for himself? What made it worse was the conversations he overheard between his parents. He tiptoed around the corner of his family tent, his mind already racing with conflicting thoughts. He had gathered every argument and piled it into a high tower, ready to unravel it onto his parents, but as their voices grew louder, he couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"I can’t believe you’re going along with this, Neytiri," Jake's voice echoed, his tone growing more exasperated by the second. "He should have a choice in who he wants to spend his life with."

"He didn’t make a choice in time," Neytiri replied, her voice firm, "But the Great Mother has. A mate has already been chosen by Eywa.”

“And what if he doesn’t like this arrangement? You were in his place once,” Jake was upset. He had never expected Neytiri to agree with Mo’at’s decision.

“Ma’Jake,” Neytiri sighed, “Eywa makes no mistakes. Neteyam received a clear sign, it would be foolish to ignore it.”

Neteyam's heart skipped a beat at her words. His mother seemed determined that it was the right step to take, and deep down, he thought he agreed with her. He had to trust in the wisdom of Eywa. Yet, Neteyam was scared because of his own helplessness. 

“I don’t know…” Jake trailed off. 

It wasn't fair play, arguing with Tsahik’s decision, with Eywa’s signs. Jake may have lived on Pandora for over 20 years, having been reborn as a Na’vi, but he still felt like an outsider when it came to the traditions of the clan. He wasn’t going to enforce his opinions with his position as Toruk Makto and go against everyone. But he also didn’t want to see his son suffer.

Neteyam sighed before stepping into the tent and revealing himself. Both of his parents stiffened, having suspected that he overheard their conversation. He felt caught between two and he had no other choice but to put a stop to it.

“‘Itan,” Neytiri’s expression softened, sensing the uncertainty in his eyes. She walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, “I know that you might feel confused but I believe that accepting Eywa’s sign will lead you to being a strong leader someday. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices, but ultimately the Great Mother looks after us. Our fate is already written.”

“Whatever your grandmother decides, you don’t have to go along with it, if you don’t want to, Neteyam,” Jake added with a strained voice, “Trust your heart.”

Neytiri nodded with a small sigh. She too was conflicted, torn between her trust and her love for her son. The vision during the Dream Hunt was a rare blessing, and Neytiri didn't want Neteyam to miss out on it.

“You have been destined for greatness, ‘itan,” her expression softened, “We will be with you every step of your journey.”

“Thank you,” Neteyam looked between his parents, “But I decided to accept the sign. And I want to make you proud,” he added, his voice barely above a whisper.

Jake and Neytiri exchanged a glance. Neteyam could feel the weight of his clan's expectations heavy on his shoulders, like he couldn’t refuse, no matter how much his parents expressed they would support him. Now, as he looked at their worried faces, he knew he had to put his own desires aside for the sake of his people. 

“Grandmother sent me over to get you. She has her answer,” Kiri’s voice trembled slightly as she delivered the news, interrupting their moment.

Her ears were flat against her skull, face etched with worry for the burden placed upon her brother. She could only hope that he would be happy and at peace with whatever will be decided.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

One man's joy is another man's sorrow. 

Becoming the future Olo’eyktan’s mate, getting accepted into his family, being his family, filling the hole left by the death of her parents. To be granted the ultimate praise and be chosen by Tsahik, be approved, be enough. After losing everything, it all seemed too good to be true to Y/N.

Her heart sunk deep in her chest, voice hitching in her throat before words of protest could even escape. How could she agree to being with Neteyam? Sure, he was handsome, skillful, he was respected and would be sweet to her. But he wasn’t Kaye, wasn’t the one she wanted. Not the one who promised to be hers. No. It was going to be Neteyam, the future Olo’eyktan. The guy who had grown up with the eyes of the whole clan on him. Who was performing all the time, concealed his true feelings. Someone whom she didn’t know well, whom she never saw that way. 

“Y/N, do you accept?” Mo’at asked, her voice louder this time.

Y/N’s thoughts raced faster at the gravity of the question. Mating with Neteyam would fulfill her duty to her people, a duty to carry on the traditions, an opportunity to belong, to be part of something bigger, greater. To finally feel useful, be able to give back to her clan. She glanced at Tsahik and could see the disapproval etched on the older woman’s features. 

Any girl would kill to be in her position. It felt like a slap to even consider rejecting Neteyam, Mo’at was convinced that her grandson was going to be everything and more. She had seen him in her visions since even before he was born. He had a strong heart, was destined to be a leader, guide his clan to a better future, make a happy one for himself too. 

The atmosphere was thick with anticipation, each breath Y/N took felt like a burden on her chest. Jake and Neytiri, who stood nearby, waited patiently, hoping for the answer they wanted to hear but also expecting the one they feared. It was hard to tell apart which was which. Y/N stole another glance at Neteyam, whom she had greeted only a few minutes ago, just before his grandmother revealed her vision of Y/N being mated with him. He looked guilty, chewing on his bottom lip, muscles tense, as he desperately seeked for a reaction from her, anything. He felt the guilt eating away at him, he wasn’t blind, Neteyam had seen they way she was around Kaye. He just couldn’t understand why they had never announced it to the clan. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult now… 

“I-I,” she stuttered, “I don’t know what to say, it is a great honor but…”

“But you deny?” Mo’at raised her eyebrows in disbelief, completely baffled with her answer.

“No - yes,” Y/N stammered, shaking her head, “I am only saying that there are many women in the clan who are worthy of becoming the mate of the future Olo’eyktan. Women better than me, who would know how to lead a clan.”

Mo’at pursed her lips together, clearly dissatisfied. Y/N wanted to scream, to run away, to hide from the responsibility that was thrust upon her so unexpectedly. Neteyam's eyes bore into hers, pleading silently for a chance. But she didn't know him, not really. How could she possibly agree to mate with someone her heart didn’t long for? Neytiri shifted uncomfortably, nudging Jake to do something, anything to ease the situation. He sighed, stepping forward to Y/N.

“I know it can be hard to let people take care of you, kid, but sometimes it is okay to let yourself just be,” he placed a hand over her shoulder, his features etched with sincerity, “Your parents were great people. I thought very highly of them, I truly mean it.”

“I know, Olo’eyktan, they respected you too,” Y/N nodded weakly. 

Ever since their passing, Y/N could feel Jake’s protective gaze on her. He had been looking out for her for years now, making sure that people in the clan treated her well. It was him who had asked Mo’at to take Y/N as a student because he saw the potential in her to help others. But now, it was time for him to be taking all that back, and the realization made her heart clench painfully.

“I’ve never told you this but before your mother passed away, I was there with her,” he paused for a moment, “She asked me to take care of you, to make sure you had a place in the clan. And I know of no better way to fulfill that wish than this.”

As he spoke, Y/N's felt like shrinking under the weight of his arm still resting on her shoulder. She couldn’t tell him that her heart belonged to someone else, someone she could never have because she had nothing to offer. Nothing to give, nothing to make his family think she was worthy of him.

“The sign of Eywa was clear,” Neytiri chimed in, drawing attention back to her, “Neteyam had a vision during his Dream Hunt. He saw his mate.”

“But that’s… that never happens during Dream Hunts!” Y/N seemed baffled too.

She looked at Neteyam, hoping for a further explanation, but he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts. Shame and pressure showed on his face, as if the argument made by his mother put him into an even deeper pit of despair. 

“It happens rarely,” Neytiri continued, then smiled softly, as if catching up on with her own thoughts, “Very rarely, Eywa sends these signs to exceptional Na’vi. It must be her way of saying that it is time to let somebody else help him on the rest of his journey.”

Useful. It was the precise word Y/N used, whenever she asked for Tsahik’s help during the lessons. When her eyes would go red from the amount of tears she shed when she felt unwanted. When she hid herself from the man she loved because his parents would never accept her. Y/N had always been a hard worker, eager to prove herself in the clan, but no matter how much she did, it never felt enough.

Neteyam watched her with fear and desperation. Now the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to make things work. The pressure of being the perfect son, the future leader, was a weight that he needed to share with someone strong.

Then they saw it. A single atokirina’, a sacred seed that had last appeared to Y/N on the day her parents were killed, floated around her, casting a soft glow over her features. For a moment, nobody spoke, watching the seed with adoring smiles. Y/N's expression softened too, feeling as if the Great Mother herself had blessed her. Eywa had spoken.

“It seems like Eywa tries hard to convince you, my child,” Mo’at's words were soothing, her voice softening as she spoke with adoration for her world.

"To be chosen by Eywa is a wondrous thing,” Neytiri added with a grin.

Y/N’s gaze met Neteyam's, his eyes searching for any sign of what she was thinking. Did he feel the same pressure as her? Did he want this, or was he as trapped as she was?

“Is this really how it works?” Y/N asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.

“Eywa speaks to us in many ways, my child,” Mo’at nodded.

chapter 2 →

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[staytinyville]

Stay Alive (1)

BTS ot7 x Reader

Magical Creatures AU

Series Masterlist

Warnings: None

A/N I am very excited for this story! It has a good amount of world building that I enjoy doing so much! I took inspiration from Stay Alive by Jungkook/Suga in case you guys didn’t know! The beginnings are of course slow but that’s how most stories are to build up the tension. I hopeful for this story and I hope you all like it! Please feel free to ask if you want to be added to the taglist!

People walk among the same earth constantly. However the thing that sets us apart is the path we all take. Sometimes it's the same, other times it's the opposite. Some of us are meant for higher things while some are meant to suffer until things start to look up for us all. 

In a lifetime sometimes we won’t ever get the chance to see ourselves reach the peak we want. There are struggles we all face that will cause setbacks in the path we are taking. Only the ones who are strong enough to see the road to the end make it out alive. 

There will always be those out there who will achieve their goals in life some way or another. Those are the ones who don’t allow those setbacks to dictate their entire life. And maybe along the way someone will come along to help you grow stronger. Whether it’s one person or a whole group. You will see to the end of your path one way or another. 

“Most often than not you will be working on filing. If we are understaffed on a day, like today, we might send you in to write reports on the medicine we have already administered.” Suho, the lady who was placed as your preceptor, explained to you.

You had a grateful smile on your face, happy to finally get to start working. While it wasn’t the place you had been hoping for, you knew the pay was well for the kind of student debts you had. The pharmaceutical lab was meant to administer different kinds of medicines to the people who would sign up for a trial. They did the test on patients before they were given out to people. 

While you were being placed on the front desk for the most part, you knew you would need to work your way up to the spot you wanted and you were more than happy to reach for it. 

“What kind of medicine do you guys make?” You asked, trying to think about all that you had read on the company's website. 

It didn’t really give much about what they focus on so you found it really odd that they were so wide when it came to the things they were trying to cure. 

“You applied here and don't even know?” Suho frowned, looking at you appalled.

“I tried asking at the interview but they just gave me vague answers.” You explained. “The website doesn't tell you anything either.”

“We are very on top of the things we do here at HYBE.” She began to tell you. “There aren’t many people we trust to be hired onto the team so consider yourself lucky to be apart of it.”

“We make sure that our patients here are taken care of because we are a company that is trying hard to reach their goals. Because of that we are detail oriented when it comes to the patients we accept. Not just anyone can be a patient here.” 

While she did a bit more about the kind of company you were working at, it still didn’t really tell you about what it was you were working for. You didn’t choose to question it, knowing that the paycheck they gave you was a luxury for a lot of people. 

“Here are some of your patients for the day. They have already been given the medicine, it's up to you to check up on them for daily research.” You took the six files the lady handed you, nodding your head. 

You placed them onto the small desk area they had given you before going through them to check on the appointment times and ordering them correctly. The first one on your list should be waiting in the lobby by now so you were quick to take the papers and move along to the waiting room.

“Mrs. Han?” You called, a smile on your face. 

An older woman with a younger one came to a stand, slowly shuffling over to where you waited for them at the door. 

“Hello, Mrs. Han. How are you today?” You asked politely, leading the two women towards the scale. 

“I'm doing great! I'm so excited to share some news about the medicine you gave me.” The older woman exclaimed, a bright smile on her face. 

You hummed, keeping the friendly look as you wrote down her weight on the paper. You told them to follow you to a patient room to speak to her privately. 

“I see it was something for your dementia.” You spoke, moving the laptop in the room closer so you could take down everything the lady would tell you. “Is everything going okay?”

“It's wonderful!” The other lady exclaimed for her mother. At least you assumed it was her daughter from the notes that people already had written for you. Her daughter was the one who was in charge of all Mrs. Han’s things.

“You would not believe it but it's almost as though she's regressed in her illness! Mother was in a terrible state when she was offered this trial medicine. She took it and suddenly it was almost like she went back to before it grew to be terrible.”

You tried to write down what the woman was saying, but you knew there were more questions to ask before concluding the entire meeting. 

“Maybe she can get back to normal if she takes more.” The daughter spoke in a hopeful tone. 

“One step at a time, Mrs. Byun.” You kept the smile on your face so as to not let them think they weren’t going to find the help they needed. “We have to see how long this medicine will last first before giving her more doses.” You explained.

“Also, memory loss is nothing to be overly worried about if it's on occasion. Even I forget something's as well.” You told them. 

If there was one thing you studied, it was medicine. You knew the consequences of taking too much or too little. This company was in the slow movement of developing them so they had to be careful about how they administered their projects. People probably came in thinking they could get more if they worked perfectly the first time. However these kinds of things were tests, not the real deal.

“Of course.” Mrs. Byun nodded in understanding. 

The rest of the visit went by smoothly as you took down all the older woman’s rants and aches about the whole thing. With these kinds of surveys it was really about asking how each patient felt even if it was the smallest of things. You wouldn’t be able to tell if it had to do with the medicine or with something else.

As you told Mrs. Han and her daughter goodbye, scheduling the next appointment, the rest of you patient trickled in one-by-one. 

There was a man who had come in for a bad liver–he was an avid drinker–so the medicine was for corrosion to that organ. While you really tried not to say something about it, you felt annoyed that the man had explained that he still had a drink every once in a while. He was like Mrs. Han, the medicine was doing wonders. 

There was a child who had chickenpox, who’s mother explained that the rash that had taken over her son’s body was slowly dwindling down. Another lady who had come in for amnesia which only said that her memory was returning to before she had gotten into an accident. The others had external injuries like scrapes of their knees or a deep cut that needed stitches. From what you could see they were just given some sort of pain medication. They had expressed that their wounds didn’t hurt and it was actually healing at a fast rate. 

“They really work with a lot of medicine.” You spoke to yourself as you looked over the last file you had. You frowned your eyebrows when you saw the patient was in another level of the building. It was the lower levels, which meant in the basement of sorts. From what you knew that was where the labs were. 

“That's odd.” You tilted your head in confusion but made your way over to the elevators anyway. With your ID card, you pressed onto one of the underground levels, leaning back against the metal wall. When the doors opened, you were met with a lobby that had a couple of different doctors moving about. 

Following the signs, you found the door that led to some of the rooms patients were stationed in. You showed the security guard your ID explaining you were in that level of the building to check up on a patient. He took a look at the file you had in your hand, humming as he opened a door to the back for you. 

Overlooking the file once more to make sure you had the right number, you quietly counted the doors. As you passed by one, you felt a shiver go down your back causing you to halt in your tracks. The number three stared back at you as a weird feeling flowed over your shoulders. It felt like something was brushing up against them, pushing at your form. 

You quickly turned back around making your way to the room next to it. You checked over the file one more time. It didn’t really give you much about the medicine the patient had been given. All it said was that they were someone who was meant to be staying in the building for better observation. There were a couple of papers that you seemed to be missing, you noticed.

Before opening the door, you knocked politely. “Hello?” You softly called as you stuck your head in. 

The only light on was the bedside lamp which illuminated the dark room. You frowned at the aspect of there being no windows that would allow light from outside to come in. As you walked in closer, you let go of the door to have it shut by itself. “Mr. Jeon?”

“Who are you?” You gasped, nearly tripping on your feet from the hard flinch you felt take over. 

You took in the man who was standing behind you, trying to regulate your breathing. He only looked at you with a raised brow, his expression passive. You took up his large form, noticing the blue scrubs he wore were almost tight around his physic. He didn’t wear any shoes–was even foregoing to wear socks. 

“Oh,” You said as your breath returned to your lungs. “My name is (Y/N). Today is my first day so I guess I'll be your new nurse.” You explained to him.

“What are you doing here?” As he took a step closer to you, you subconsciously took one back. “You don't deserve to be here.” His voice went quiet as his eyes turned soft. 

Your eyebrows furrowed as you took in his worried expression, smiling awkwardly as you patted your hands to wipe the sweat forming on them. 

“I needed a job. Got school debt to pay off.” You tried to joke with him. He looked too serious, which made you anxious to touch him for his vitals. “I'm here to do a check up. Would you mind?” You asked, trying to build up the courage to get close to him. 

He didn’t say anything, just poked his cheek with his tongue, moving to the bed. You smiled in thanks, looking around the room to find the equipment needed. You purse your lips when you realize you would need to check his heart rate manually. Finding the padding needed to place around his arm, you made your way over to the man.

He flinched back as your hands moved to touch his arm, causing you to stop. “I’m going to check your heart rate.” You explained, remembering that you were the kind of person to make sure people knew what it was you were going to do. 

As he kept his dark eyes on you, he allowed you to softly touch his scrub sleeve as you moved the fabric up to place the padding in the right area of the arm. You moved your stethoscope from around your neck. “It’s going to be a bit cold.” You whispered. 

As you moved on with the check up, you watched the numbers on the dial move carefully counting to yourself. When you finished getting what you needed, you quickly let go of the air and moved the padding off his arm. As you did that, your eyes seemed to blur over the ink the man had. 

Your fingers gently squeezed his bicep, softly moving down the length of his arm. Your gaze drifted over each color and picture the man had, trying to figure out where one picture ended and the next started. As your fingers glided over his pulse on his wrists, the man involuntarily shivered at the touch. 

“Sorry.” You quickly pulled back, looking back up at him. “Your tattoos are really nice. I've never seen so many.” You bashfully smiled at him. 

He only looked at you curiously, his big eyes taking in your facial expressions. It made you feel flustered as he looked at you so deeply, causing you to lick your lips and look away. 

“You have a very strong heart. Very good blood flow.” You told him, turning away to write down his vitals. He slowly got off the bed and moved closer to you. 

“It doesn't say which medicine you've been taking which is really weird.” You frowned, looking over all the papers that you were given. There were some things missing but you assumed the high ups were looking over it. 

“You're different.” You jumped at the voice that spoke directly behind you. Turning around you tilted your head up at the man.

“How so?” You asked.

“You're nice.” The boy squinted his eyes at you, like he was trying to figure you out.

“Are the others not?” You frowned.

“Not the ones who come down here.” He told you.

You tried to quickly cover up your upset expression, looking up at the doe-eyed man with a smile. “Well I hope I'm able to come down here again.” You took up the paper you had written on. There wasn’t much explanation on what you had to ask him so you chose to go back up and see if you could figure out what else to do.

“Have a good day, Mr. Jeon.” You smiled brightly, waving from the door.

Jungkook tilted his head to the side as a warmth spread through his chest from your words. Not a day had gone by that he wasn't thinking about the dreaded place as though it was a sentence in hell. He had never met someone like you; someone who spoke to him as though he too was a person.

It made him light headed to think about the way your words affected him. He couldn't think of the last time someone had ever uttered those kinds of words to him. It had been so long-alone thinking this was what life was going to be like for the rest of his life. But suddenly things changed in the blink of an eye.

“Maybe.”

Series Masterlist

[moondustpugh]

High Infidelity

Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader

Summary: Did you really have to chart the constellations in his eyes? Did you really have to tell him how he brought you back to life?

Author's Note: Babe by Taylor Swift, High Infidelity by Taylor Swift, Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift, My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift, Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift. I don't know... I don't know... I don't know. My mind is all over the place the past week and needed to write this down for some distraction. I don't know... I never done a back to back series nor have written something like this, so yeah. Forgive me for all the trigger warnings. Everything is all so crazy. This is a very very hard thing to write because of past emotional abuse experiences in real life that still terrorizes me and maybe it's a letter for the past experience to let it go.

Disclaimer: 18+, emotional abuse, mention of harming, infidelity

(Please, please don't read this if it triggers you. I need you all to think hard about it before reading this one. This is a bit of a dark fic).

Wordcount: 3.2K

part one - part two - part three - part four - epilogue

“Late again?” 

Your boyfriend, Eli, asked you the moment you entered the flat. You were kicking off your shoes by the front door, eyes full of exhaustion as you sighed. He was by the kitchen heating up some leftovers. You didn’t exactly understand how it was “late” because technically it was only 9pm.

“Yeah, the event went pretty late.” You replied.

You technically left the event early knowing that Eli would start asking where you were. That was how he was these days. Keeping count of everything you did.

You were technically not an official assistant in the team. You just started this job, and it was more of a paid internship that you applied to because you needed the money, and it paid really well. You worked for Joseph Quinn’s team. A British actor who got pushed into the limelight too fast after his appearance in Stranger Things.

Joe was nice. His team was nice and very organized and all you had to do was bring Joe’s things, get coffee, and help his team organize whatever they needed for Joe. 

That was all. 

Nothing too complicated.

Nothing for you to really complain about nor do something that could ruin this whole internship that you applied for. 

Well, at least that was what you thought. 

“That’s a nice dress.” Eli stepped out of the kitchen, his eyes studying you as he ate a piece of chicken. 

For some reason, his eyes studying you like that made you feel angry and annoyed. It wasn’t like he was doing anything to you, but the tone of his voice was making you feel annoyed. 

“Thanks. I’ll go freshen up.” You gave him a small smile, giving him a quick peck on the lips before heading down the hall. 

“I’m sure many men were staring at you tonight.” Eli added his little comment that made you stop halfway from your steps and looked over your shoulder.

“I was just doing my job, assisting.” You reassured him before continuing down the hall and into your bedroom.

You weren’t going to lie. Your relationship with Eli for the past two years has been rough. He was constantly jealous, constantly making rude comments about what you wear and how you wore your makeup to the point where you had stopped putting makeup on. You had changed your whole closet to just jeans, t-shirt or jumpers. You changed your whole style and personality because you didn’t want any trouble from Eli. You didn’t want to disappoint him. 

However, this new job of yours came with the responsibility of dressing up and wearing makeup when you accompany Joe through the many events or movie premieres. That made Eli squirm even more for the last four months whenever you came home wearing a nice dress and nice makeup. He would comment how the dress was too short or the dress was too revealing. 

“I wore a jacket, don’t worry.” You would tell him. 

“Next time, pick one that isn’t so revealing.” Eli would scoff. “You’re mine. You don’t need other men looking at you.” 

You could feel the love in your relationship was slowly fading, and you didn’t know how to get out of it. You were too scared to do something about it. Terrified even what he could react or say towards this decision of yours if you ever decided to cut this off. Eli had been very aggressive towards his words to you and sometimes, even if he wouldn’t say something, you could see the disappointment all over his face. You were a people pleaser, and you were the kind of person who didn’t want any trouble, so you tried to give what he wanted most of the time.

It made you hide inside yourself even more. It made you feel insecure. It made you terrified of every decision you made because you didn’t want to upset him. You didn’t want to see that reaction on his face even if his lips were saying something else. It made you feel like you were walking on broken glass every time. 

Sliding yourself under the covers next to Eli that night, you saw his eyes studying you the moment you entered the room and brushed your hair in front of your vanity. His eyes never left you until you laid next to him. He immediately moved himself close to you and pulled you in his arms, hugging you from behind. 

“So, how many more events do you have to go to?” He asked.

You sighed, closing your eyes. Eli was never interested in your job. You knew he was asking about it, so he knew what he was expecting. By that, it meant he would be monitoring the outfits that you would wear and the people that would be around you in that event.

“Not sure.” You murmured. “I’ll let you know once my supervisor lets me know.”

Eli lets out a soft hum and kisses you on your cheek before turning you to face him and kisses you roughly on the lips, towering over you. For a second, you went with it and kissed him back, pushing your body against his and letting him have what he wanted. He lets his soft fingers slide the strap of your tank top, kissing your bare shoulder. His lips found the skin of your neck as he softly sucked onto the skin, a small gasp escaping your lips.

“Babe.” You whispered, slowly pulling away. “I’m tired. I’m early tomorrow.”

Eli sighed, letting himself laid back down on the bed next to you. 

“You’re always tired.” He argued. “The last time we had sex was last week.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just tired today, and I have to get up early tomorrow.” You turned your back on him, closing your eyes. 

“Right.” Eli said sarcastically, getting up from the bed.

You looked over your shoulder, sitting up on the bed as he made his way towards the door.

“No, c’mon. Don’t be so upset.” You said.

You could see it all over his eyes that was getting upset, and you knew if you didn’t do something about this, he wouldn’t talk to you for the next two days. He would make up an excuse that he was busy and that he would be with his friends. 

“Come here.” You reached your hand out to him as he paused in his tracks and stared at your hand. 

He gave you a small smile and walked towards the side of your bed, taking your hand in his as he kissed you hungrily and towered over you on the bed. You let him touch you in all the ways he wanted to, but you just felt numb. You couldn’t breathe as you stared into the white ceiling and kissed him back softly, letting his fingers brush against your burning skin. You felt disassociated as he kissed you hungrily and pushed himself inside of you. 

You felt nothing but disgusted with yourself for being so weak.  

That was how you have been feeling lately with your relationship. You felt trapped and you felt like a chain has been around your neck lately, and Eli was pulling it every chance he got. 

“Hey, could you go to the coffee shop down the block to get everyone coffee?” Alex, Joe’s manager, asked, interrupting your thoughts the next day. 

“Uh…sure.” Alex handed you a piece of paper with everyone’s orders. 

Your job was always simple but as time went on, your interaction with certain people became more frequent. In the beginning, Joe couldn’t even look at you nor acknowledge you that much unless he was thanking you for bringing him the things he needed. Then, Alex and his team had gotten busier that the things in your list were starting to add up. Part of your job has been added to “make sure Joe is in this place at a certain time,” or “make sure Joe wears this suit instead of this.”

Then, there was the chore that Alex would give you to make sure that his collar, tie or buttons on his shirt was perfect before he stepped out of the red carpet. 

“Do you enjoy your job?” Joe had asked you that one time when you had sat on the sofa of his dressing room, waiting for the rest of his team to arrive. 

“Sure.” Your voice almost sounded so monotone that Joe couldn’t even believe your answer. 

He sat there and tilted his head at you, one brow raised and waited for your real answer. You let out a deep breath, closing the magazine that you were reading and set it back on the table.

“I guess it’s okay. Couldn’t complain.” You shrugged.

Joe let out a soft understanding hum and focused his attention back to his phone, scrolling his time away. He was getting ready for his movie premiere, and you were there to make sure that everything he needed was there. That he looked perfect right before he stepped out of the red carpet.

Not that you hated your job but sometimes, it could get so repetitive that you looked bored after the events. The rest of Joe’s team would go and prepare whatever they needed to, and you would just make sure Joe was fine. That he didn’t need anything. 

“Here.” Joe handed you a glass of martini at the after party of the premiere.

“No, thanks. I’m technically still working.” 

“And looked bored.” Joe’s face was a little too close to yours as he whispered those words.

You hesitated, your eyes scanning the room trying to look for a sign of Alex. Joe couldn’t help but chuckle, shaking his head.

“They went home. So, technically you’re the only one left here.” Joe answered the question that you were asking in your head. “C’mon. You deserve it for working so hard all the time.”

Pursing your lips, you stared at the glass that Joe was holding before finally taking it from his hand and taking a sip of it. Joe smiled and took a sip of his own drink, his eyes scanning the room before falling back to you.

“Are you usually this quiet?” Joe asked.

“I’m just doing my job.” You answered, a small smile creeping up on Joe’s face. “I don’t want to interrupt anyone.”

“You’re not interrupting me.” Joe smiled, taking another sip of his drink.

You could tell he already had a few drinks before this conversation. You continued to drink the glass of martini in your hand and didn’t reply a word to what Joe said. You could tell the alcohol was making him a little bolder, and he was trying to flirt. You didn’t want to step into any boundaries because first of all, it was inappropriate, and you didn’t want to lose this job either.

“So, how long have you been here in London?” Joe asked.

“About two years.” Your answers were plain and simple as Joe continued to play 20 questions with you. 

By the end of the night, you both seemed to open up to each other a little bit more, and you were able to learn Joe more personally. The thing was that you didn’t realize that night was going to be a start of something new between you and him because ever since that event, Joe’s attention was on you most of the time. He would gaze down at you and give you small smiles, while you would fix his collar or tie before he stepped out onto the red carpet.

Then, during after parties, you would be left to babysit Joe, and you would notice how his eyes would catch your eyes across the room. You sat in the corner and minded your own business, your focus on your phone. However, Joe would walk towards you and catch your attention.

“Wanna dance?” Joe held out his hand.

You bit your lower lip and said, “I don’t dance, sorry.”

Joe sighed and sat next to you, his eyes lingering on the screen of your work phone. 

“Whatever Alex is telling you to do can wait ‘til tomorrow.” 

“That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have a full to-do list.”

Joe laughed softly, raising his brow at you. “A full to-do list? I’m the one who has to stand in front of those cameras and do the interviews, remember?”

Joe had a point. 

Though, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. “True.” 

You and Joe would talk for the rest of the night. You both would laugh and tease each other. You both would start talking about personal things, and he somehow was able to understand you well. It made your heart swell a little bit. 

It wasn’t right that you felt this way towards Joe because you were in a relationship. You could just easily let Joe know that you weren’t single and that whatever flirty tricks he was trying to do to you, it wouldn’t work. However, you kept dancing around that subject. You didn’t bother bringing that subject up and towards the end of the night, you both would start flirting a little bit more. Besides the fact that you were in a relationship, you also didn’t want to do anything unprofessional or inappropriate because at the end of the night, you were technically still working for Joe’s team and Joe. So, you tried your best not to lead him on. 

That was until you had come home one night and found Eli waiting for you in the living room. You arrived home half an hour past nine, and he already looked upset the moment you had stepped inside the flat. 

“Where have you been?” Eli’s tone of voice wasn’t what you liked at all. 

“I’m sorry, I had to finish some things. I texted you I was going to be late.” You explained.

“No, you didn’t.” Eli argued.

“Yes, I did. Didn’t you get my message?” You knitted your brows, making sure your voice was calm because you didn’t want to upset him even more.

You watched Eli pick up his phone from the coffee table and looked down at it and let out a deep breath.

“You know, maybe you should look for another job if they keep making you stay up this late.” 

You slid your coat off and hung it on the coat hanger and said, “It’s only 9:30. It’s not that late, Eli.”

You heard Eli scoff and shook his head. “So, you'd rather be with them than with me?”

You were confused. 

Where did that subject came from?

You didn’t understand why Eli was acting like this. Shouldn’t he be more supportive about your career? Didn’t you tell him that you needed this job because you needed the money? What else did you have to say or do to make sure he would stop this jealousy thing because it was making you so exhausted.

“I… I didn’t say that.” You murmured.

“Maybe you just don’t love me the way I love you. Just tell me, and it’s fine. I’ll happily go.” Eli shrugged, looking down at the floor.

You walked towards him, taking his hands in yours. The guilt inside of you brewed in your stomach but at the same time, you wanted to vomit. 

“I do love you. I told you that, remember? I love you.”

You felt nothing.

“Then, find another job… for me.” Eli looked into your eyes.

“I… I can’t. It’s hard to look for another job out there and this pays me well, while I’m able to learn the entertainment industry. You know how much I want a career in that industry.”

Eli’s eyes suddenly turned glum again. He slid his hands away from yours and exhaled sharply. 

“Why would you even want to be in that industry? So you could be naked and show everyone that?” 

You couldn’t understand what he was saying. You couldn't understand why he was acting like this.  

“You know that’s not true!” You argued.

You were exhausted from explaining yourself over and over again, and he just didn’t believe you. You felt like whatever you did was never enough for him. Tears started welling up in your eyes as you watched Eli grab his car keys.

“Wh…Where are you going?” Your voice stuttered, terrified of what he might do.

“Obviously, you don’t love me. I mean… no one loves me, so what’s the point, right?”

You grabbed his hand, trying to take the keys away, but he had his hand in a fist as he tried to slide his hand away from your grip.

“No, stop! Please.” You begged, tears rolling down your cheeks. “Don’t do this.”

“If you love me, you’d do this for me.” Eli replied, his eyes hardened as he stared at you.

You didn’t say a word because what he was asking of you was impossible. You already had lost yourself and your dignity. Your job at the moment was the only thing that you have that could maybe help you get back up again. After a few seconds of not replying, Eli pulled his wrist away from your grip, shaking his head.

“If you find me dead on the road then that’s on you.” He stated before walking out the front door. 

“Eli!” You cried out, running out the door, but it was too late as he had already gotten in the car and drove off.

Going back inside the flat, you laid on your bed that night, sobbing and questioning as to how you have gotten yourself into this situation. Questioning every decision you made as to why you were too weak to break this off. 

What if you break this thing off, and Eli would actually harm himself? It would be all your fault like he said. What if no one could love you after this? What about the happy memories that the two of you had at the beginning? What if you would regret it at the end for letting him go? You knew you were the only one that he had left in his life. You couldn’t do that to him either. You couldn’t easily just get out. 

You were trapped. 

Stuck. 

Frozen.

Around midnight, Eli had come back home. You weren’t asleep when he had entered the bedroom, but you had your eyes closed. How could you sleep after tonight? How were you able to have a peace of mind if he was out there? How would you know that he didn’t do anything to himself? It would be all your fault if something happened to him. 

You just couldn’t shut your mouth and agreed with what he was asking, couldn’t you? 

Feeling his arms wrapped around your torso, you felt him nuzzling your hair. You didn’t move. You couldn’t move. You knew he wasn’t going to apologize, so you didn’t try to hope for that. Eventually, he had fallen asleep, holding you that night. A tear rolled down your cheek as you covered your mouth with the palm of your hand to block out your sobs, so he wouldn’t wake up. 

At this point, you didn’t know who you were anymore. 

You just felt numb and lost, choking in your own tears. 

Taglist:

@palomahasenteredthechat @sunvick @eddies-acousticguitar @demonsanddemogorgons @joesquinns @mmunson86 @ghostinthebackofyourhead @corrodedcoffincumslut @figmentofquinn @tlclick73 @browneyes8288 @bylermaxmayfield @ali-r3n @ficsbypix @capricornrisingsstuff @missonlypost @ali-in-w0nderland @amberolivia666 @lalalala-melmosworld @niallersfreckles @nanas-lasagna @emma77645 @indulgence-be-thy-name @readergf

[gyuhanniescarat]

mr. (not so) perfectly fine | Wen Junhui | Masterlist

: ̗̀➛ summary: Junhui the campus heartthrob and infamous frat boy thinks he knows all there is to know about matters of love and lust. But, through a fucked ass bet with his frat bros, as the weather starts dwindling down and the emotionally charged season picks up, Junhui learns the hard way that matters of love and lust aren't to be played with.

: ̗̀➛ pairing: fuckboy!junhui x naïve!virgin!fem!reader

: ̗̀➛ genre: porn with HELLA PLOT (minors dni! — If you’re not 18+, then see yourself to the door), university!au, goofy comedy, cheesy fluff, angst

: ̗̀➛ rating: (M) 18+ (chapters containing explicit contents will be marked as so)

: ̗̀➛ warnings: fake dating, university!au, junhui's an egotistical asshole at the beginning (my huihuis i'm sorry plz don't k*** me), junhui is slightly aged down (by 2 years), frat and sorority life, loads of stereotypical fall time college activities, mentions of drinking/alcohol consumption. any names of other idols are considered to be OC's/face claims. see individual chapters for a more detailed list of warnings.

: ̗̀➛ collective word count: estimated 20k(+)

💌 MESSAGE FROM JESSI: heyyyy yah cutie pie luvvies! this is my FIRST time writing a series, and my return to writing on kpopblr after 8 months!! 🎉 forgive me if this whole thing turns out to be cringe... but my writing skills are a lil bit rusty. i've been crafting this one for a lil while now, so i'm really feeling hopeful about showing y'all this series.

a huge thanks to the svthub admins for hosting this seasonal collab!! i'm so excited to participate in this project!! and a massive thanks to my june luvvie @wenjunehui for creating this stunning junhui banner for my new series 💕

: ̗̀➛ this series is in conjunction with the @svthub fall-ing for you collab. if you are interested in reading the other fics which are apart of this fall collab (please do, my besties have created some amazing work) i will leave the full collab masterlist here.

: ̗̀➛ there is an official taglist for the fall collab, but let me know if you want to be added to the series taglist (send me an ask, send a DM, or comment).

: ̗̀➛ teaser

m.masterlist • svt.masterlist • navi

apply to join my permanent taglist here (⁠◠⁠ᴥ⁠◕⁠ʋ⁠)

༶•┈┈୨ reblogs/feedback are always greatly appreciated ୧┈┈•༶

if you wanna support my work even more, you can buy me a coffee

© gyuhanniescarat | 2023 - all rights reserved. Reposting/Modifying of any fic, scenario, drabble, reaction or piece of original writings posted on this blog is not allowed. Translations not allowed.

[surftrips]

butterflies — part one.

pairing: rafe cameron x female reader

summary: after returning home from college for the summer, y/n runs into rafe cameron and the two form an unlikely relationship.

word count: 1582

a/n: part one of my new series inspired by "butterflies" by kacey musgraves. friends to lovers trope! masterlist.

It had been a few months since your first college relationship ended.

It was summer now. You were back home, content with where you were, just coasting through life.

You spent your time with friends and family, at bonfire parties and backyard barbecues. You may have been single, but you certainly weren't lonely.

Besides, your ex was kinda... shitty, for lack of a better word. Instead of lifting you up, he was always holding you back. You felt as though you were suffocating towards the end, and finally you couldn't take it anymore so you broke up with him.

With all this newfound free time, you had taken to spending more time outdoors. Surfing, biking, or simply going for a walk, it felt nice to feel the fresh air and freedom on your skin.

One day you were going for a run in your neighborhood, when you felt someone else jogging up behind you.

"Hey! Wait up!" they said.

You turned around, ready to defend yourself, but to your surprise, it was none other than Rafe Cameron who had called you.

"Rafe?"

"Hey, uh...Y/N right?" he responded, looking unsure.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Come on, I know everyone on this side of the island."

It was true. His family was by far the most affluent on the island and had the most connections. You wouldn't be surprised if his parents knew yours through their work.

Still, you felt the need to push back. "Is that so? Where do I go to college then?"

"Oh, easy. Everyone knows you go to Duke."

Now, you were surprised. Was Rafe Cameron keeping tabs on you?

He must have noticed your shocked face because he said, "Okay, by 'everyone,' I mean me. I know you go to Duke because I applied and got waitlisted."

"Ah, now there's the Rafe Cameron I know. Only cares about stuff when it involves him."

Were you being a little harsh? Yes. But Rafe Cameron had been the most popular guy in high school, he could handle a little teasing from you.

"Okay, ouch. Do you even know where I go to college?" he responded.

"Easy," you mocked him. "UNC Chapel Hill."

"Y/N Y/L/N, I didn't take you as a Rafe Cameron fan," he feigned surprise.

"Oh please, I only know because it's where all the frat boys go."

"Alright, fair enough. But I'll have you know I am so much more than just a frat boy."

"Yeah? Prove it." You don't know what possessed you to be talking to him like this, but hey, it was summer. What did you have to lose?

"How do you want me to do that?"

Yeah, how did you want him to do that? you thought to yourself.

"You're smart. I'm free the whole summer, figure it out," you settled on saying.

He seemed to think about it for a second. Finally, he responded, "Why do you think I called you earlier?"

It dawned on you that you had no idea. Sure, you two went to high school together but you hung out in entirely different circles and up until a few minutes ago, you weren't even sure that he knew who you were.

"I don't know, why?" you asked, almost nervously.

"I heard about your breakup. I wanted to see if you were okay."

"That's bullshit. I've only told my best friends about that." You knew that word traveled fast on the island, so you made sure to only tell people you trusted. How the hell did Rafe Cameron of all people find out?

"Well, you may not know this but all the college kids in North Carolina are connected in one way or another. One of my frat brothers is actually friends with your ex..." he trailed off, not sure how you would react to this.

For once, you were speechless. It really was a small world.

"Tell your brother his friend is an asshole," you finally managed.

He chuckled, relieved that you weren't angry or anything. He didn't know the full details of the breakup, but it definitely wasn't amicable.

"Sure, I'll pass the word along. But, yeah, I seriously did want to check on you," he said.

After a while, he added, "I'm getting over a breakup myself, actually."

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't know."

"It's alright," he said. And then, "Have some faith in me, I'm not a bad guy."

This was technically true. Even though he was the typical popular, rich guy in high school, he was definitely one of the better ones. He never bullied anyone and mostly kept to his circle of friends. However, you just couldn't wrap your head around the idea of someone who never acknowledged you during high school caring about you now. What had changed?

Guess you had the whole summer to find out.

—

After that day, Rafe somehow convinced you to hang out with him more. You weren't sure what his motives were, whether he had any aside from trying to prove to you he was "more than just a frat boy."

The first time he took you to a coffee shop, a local one in downtown Kildare.

"I didn't know you drank coffee like that," you remarked.

"Well, there's a lot you don't know about me," he had responded.

As he took a sip of his drink, you used this opportunity to get a better look at him. You were too shy to make direct eye contact with him, worried that his bright blue eyes would cause blood to involuntarily rush to your cheeks.

He had changed since high school. His shoulders had somehow gotten even broader, his hair was now buzzed down, had he gotten taller?

Suddenly, you wondered what his ex-girlfriend was like. Was she outgoing or shy? Did she go out every night or stay in her dorm? What did she study? In other words, was she like you or the total opposite?

You shook your head, what did it matter to you anyway? You never really liked him in high school, and he seemed all the same now.

(Just a little better looking, somehow.)

—

Weeks later, nothing and everything had changed. You two had been on...

morning runs (or walks, if you guys were hungover from the night before)

grocery store trips after deciding you would show Rafe how to make your pasta recipe

errands runs where you tagged along in Rafe's passenger seat

spontaneous surf trips at the local beach

and of course, late nights spent around a fire as you two reminisced about how different your high school experiences were

Your initial hesitation about spending time with Rafe had waned. You figured that as long as you were having fun, there was no harm being done.

You learned that a lot of Rafe's college friends lived out-of-state and he hadn't been with anyone since his own breakup so he was pretty lonely at home until you showed up.

"Y/N, if I had a girlfriend don't you think I would be with her right now?"

"I don't know! Maybe she lives halfway across the country or is being locked up in a tower somewhere and that's why you can't see her!"

"Can you even hear yourself right now? Who do you think I'm dating, Rapunzel??"

Okay, so he was single. And he was spending nearly everyday with you. As a friend, of course. He just needed someone to keep him company. These are all things you reminded yourself.

You didn't even let yourself consider the possibility that there could be more to your sudden friendship.

—

Your steadfast attitude about your friendship wavered when you were over at his house one day.

You had been there a few times already, but when you knocked on the door this time, his sister Sarah opened it.

Sarah was a few years younger than you two, and was still in high school. Like with her brother, your paths had never really crossed.

"Oh, hey Sarah. Sorry, I was expecting Rafe," you said.

She smiled at you, "No worries, you must be Y/N?"

"Yeah, is he back there?"

Sarah moved out of the way you let you in. "Rafe! Your girlfriend's here!"

"Oh, no-" you started to correct her as Rafe appeared from the kitchen.

"Sarah, she's not my girlfriend," he said.

"Well, you certainly act like a couple," she responded before leaving you two alone.

"Sorry about that," Rafe said when she was out of the room.

"No, it's okay. I've been called worse," you joked.

"Yeah, whatever," he smiled. "The kitchen's all set for us to make lunch, you ready?"

Though you tried not to think about it, Sarah's words echoed in your mind for the rest of the day.

What were you two doing? Clearly, you were both using each other as a distraction, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. You had both just gotten out of relationships and were looking to fill that void.

On the other hand, you had grown to genuinely like Rafe. It would not have been the worst thing in the world to be his girlfriend. In fact, later that night as you were lying in bed, you toyed with that idea.

"Hey, everyone. This is Y/N, my girlfriend," he would say, strong arms wrapped around your frame.

"Hi, I'm Y/n! Rafe's girlfriend," you would say while meeting his college friends.

Well, shit. You had fallen for Rafe Cameron and he had no idea.

[dotmander]

How To Get Your Character Models Out Of A Game: Tips And Tricks For Bitches That Have Never Used Blender

(it's me, i'm bitches)

(also ignore how messy that lighting is it's 1am and i should have been asleep hours ago. he's there for proof of concept 💕)

a couple people (specifically @forsaken-constellation and @ratasum) asked for a tutorial on how to rip models out of the game. this is not that, but it is a compilation of resources i used to learn about ripping, blender, and 3d modeling in general. i desperately wanted a post like this to exist when i was trying to figure this out, so here we go! all the resources below are completely free, with the exception of a link to the patreon of the person that created ninjaripper.

disclaimers:

there are probably more efficient ways to do the things i am doing. i watched a tutorial to learn shortcuts and then skipped to character models. if you have tips to add, corrections to make, or other thoughts, please feel free to share! i'll link to your post here. ^^

i do not know if any of this will get your account banned. i've ripped several models, so i'm going to assume it's fine as long as you don't try to make money off of it. use your best judgment, be an adult, etc etc etc

last updated: april 2, 2023

PROGRAMS & WEBSITES

ninjaripper 1.7.1 - there's a newer version on the creator's patreon, presumably with support for newer versions of blender and fewer bugs, but i haven't tried that

blender 2.79 - the import addon that comes with ninjaripper 1.7.1 is outdated for the current version of blender (3.5 as of this post), so 2.79 is needed to combine the .RIP files into a .BLEND (blender) file

noesis - ninjaripper saves your textures as .DDS files, noesis lets you view them and export them as .PNGs

blender 3.5 (optional?) - i just like it better than 2.79. if you're completely new it might not matter to you. all of the tutorials linked later are for later versions, though.

mixamo (optional) - rigs your character for you and lets you put them in Situations (like my guy above.) there's a whole library of free animations and poses you can try!

TUTORIALS

how to use ninjaripper - most of what you need to know about actually ripping the files and using ninjaripper is covered here. do not skip this one.

how to use blender 3.5 - full disclosure i haven't finished this series because it's uhhhh many hours long. but if you are a complete newbie to blender, i do recommend at least the first few videos; you'll learn about shortcuts that will make your life easier, how to unfuck your model when it fucks itself for no reason, and different terms that will help you google things you don't know later on. possibly he even covers some of the things i'm about to link! anyway.

what's a uv map?

how to apply textures

how to apply bump maps (note: for our purposes, you wouldn't add a color ramp node, you would add an image node with your bump map, and attach it to the bump node as the person does in the video)

there should be stuff here about weight painting, cloth physics, emission maps (makes your sylvari glow), and other stuff, but um. i haven't figured those out <3  

TIPS

TURN UP YOUR GRAPHICS BEFORE YOU RIP - if you don't, you might end up missing certain textures/glows/etc. HOWEVER, you should turn animations down, because apparently high animation can make your meshes misplace themselves

rip from the character select screen, rather than an instance, because you will have 100 meshes to sort through instead of 1400. i am not exaggerating either of those numbers. if you are new to blender, please love yourself and start with character select.

your textures will be fucked up the first time you try to apply them. this is because the UV maps (the things that tell your textures where to go) of your models are flipped upside down in relation to the texture image. you can flip them back over manually, ooooor you can just flip the entire texture file in something like CSP or photoshop.

for some reason all eyes are red in the texture files. i have not figured out why. i recommend editing the .PNG to have the correct eye color before applying the texture.

mixamo only works for humanoid characters with tight clothing (or without clothing at all). if you try to use it to rig a charr or asura, or someone with a skirt or big sleeves, you will most likely be disappointed.

that's all i can think of for now - if you have other questions, feel free to shoot them my way, although i can't promise i'll have a straight answer ^^;;

information from bookahlogy about character proportions, fixing normals, and other fun tips

[penultimate-step]

Thinking about Meme Oshino, and his philosophy that people can't save others, that they can only save themselves. I have mixed feelings about it overall. On one hand, I am sympathetic to the idea that a person can't be helped if they insist on being unchanging, and I would even agree that there's no point relying on being saved by others, because you can't control them, only yourself. But that doesn't mean that I think it is impossible to help others or be helped, there are plenty of situations where it's just self evident that having help from the people around you makes difficult situations more bearable. So why is Meme like this?

I think Meme is meant to foil Koyomi in this case. Koyomi starts the series in Kizu self-isolating out of depression, but it is not something that brings him happiness, or a way he really wants to live. Meme in Bake is the opposite of this, kind of an example of the type of person who really is fine in complete isolation, relying on nobody, being relied on by nobody, moving from place to place the moment he thinks he might be laying down real roots. And he's meant to be impressive, I think, the larger than life figure fully confident in the situation, who understands and can deal with oddities while our main characters don't fully understand and feel lost without his guidance; he really is someone with maximum "power as a human."

But his whole outlook shows what is required to live like that in truth, as more than a side effect of self-loathing and something you apply selectively to yourself. If you really believed that standing alone was the natural state of being, that people's happiness and suffering was ultimately caused by their own actions, then yeah, the logical extension of that is blaming a child for being abused, or saying teenagers are at fault for being depressed.

And even with all this he's not a bad person. He goes out of his way to assist the cast and presumably other random offscreen people as he meets them, he doesn't ever try to harm others (except, perhaps, Kiss-Shot in Kizu, but like. Super Vampire is extenuating circumstances). He's not some social darwinist saying people need to be alone and only the strongest deserve happiness, he really is a good guy, but he sees people as fundamentally alone. There's a saying that goes something like "nobody is an island," but Meme is the counterexample who shows what that island would look like, in it's most positive form. And it's not someone Koyomi can ever really be.

[starlight-bread-blog]

Katara made it very clear that she never ever wants to see Yon Rah again and most of the Zutara fandom supports that decision of hers.

So I guess the possible downside of Katara choosing to marry Zuko means sharing Zuko's burden of reforming and rehabilitating depraved war criminals like Yon Rha and all those who are even worse than him.

Then there's this whole thing with Aaron Ehasz imagining Zuko being Azula's Iroh and she reforms in that way along with my and a few other's ideas of Aang showing her how open and master her own chakras. Speaking of Iroh, does anyone remember his ruthless and brutal 600-day siege anymore? There's no way he'd avoid dropping bodies that whole time.

Looks like Katara will ironically be taking Aang's advice about forgiveness after all but I don't think it'll be necessary for Katara to look for Yon Rah again and say so.

What do you think?

Tw: War crimes, genocide and nazism.

Disclaimer: I don't know what actually happened post canon. I tried to look on internet forums and it seems as the topic wasn't addressed in the comics. For this answer, I'm going under this assumption.

Sorry for not getting to this sooner, life got busy and I didn't want to give some half assed answer to such a delicate topic. There's a lot to comment on so I'll break this down step by step.

"Katara choosing to marry Zuko means sharing Zuko's burden of reforming and rehabilitating depraved war criminals"...

The fire nation commited atrocious war crimes, leaving them with with many war criminals. War crimes are more than punishable. If it were real life, neither Katara or Zuko would have to reform and rehabilitate any of them.

An example of this would be the Nuremberg trials after WW2. Even recently, in 2022, Irmgard Furchner (an 98 year old women) faced a trial for being a secretary of a concentration camp (to put it lightly, she was very much a murderer). No one is getting away with their actions.

I read the relevant section from a Red Cross's document titled "Analysis of the punishments applicable to international crimes (war crimes, crimes against humanity and genocide) in domestic law and practice". (The section being "States’ obligations under IHL to prosecute and punish international crimes").

I found something interesting. (ID in alt text).

*Grave breaches are more serious, vile violations of humananitarian law. Everything above applies to "genocide and crimes against humanity".

If Katara were in a position of power in the Fire Nation, not only would she not have to reform anyone, she also might get to help with the trials for them.

"Then there's this whole thing with Aaron Ehasz imagining Zuko being Azula's Iroh"

I don't know about his plans for Aang's other ideas, so I can't comment on them. What I did find was a short thread of his. And after reading it, I maintain that – like most ideas – his vision can work with sensitive execution.

Azula was still very much a 14 year old victim of grooming when the series took place. Her brother can help her through her redemption under one condition – the desire to be better should come from her.

He shouldn't sit through any mistreatment whatsoever. He'll guide her through a path he already went through, but she has to walk with him. Azula needs to be safe for Zuko. Only then, redemption would be possible.

"does anyone remember [Iroh's] ruthless and brutal 600-day siege anymore?"

The difference between Iroh and Yon Rah is what they're up to now. In the present Yon Rah is just some guy living with his mother. Meanwhile Iroh took back Ba Sing Se from Fire Nation colonizers.

Yon Rah isn't out here fixing his mistakes, he just got off scot-free. On the other hand, Iroh is a changed man and took action to correct his past on the same scale.

At the end of the day redemtion isn't Aang's idea. It's one of the major themes of Atla. It wants to show that people can change and grow. So it does. Zuko changes, Mai changes, Ty Lee changes, and Iroh is their future.

He tried to conquer Ba Sing Se, and now he took it back from conquerors. He was the worst of them all, and now he's unrecognizable. He's warm, wise and sweet. There's a meaning to it.

That doesn't mean that war criminals in the current day, scums who made no affort, will get away with their crimes. That doesn't mean Katara would have to go through the mental torture of reforming her colonizers.

That is it! I hope I didn't come off as aggressive, I didn't mean to. Thank you for the ask, sorry for taking me forever to write this, and have a lovely day!

[kathaynesart]

Hey!

I don’t know if you’ve ever answered and ask like this, but i was wondering how you stick with a comic series. How do you manifest plot and such and stick with it without later deciding it’s not good enough for your tastes and completely changing or dropping it as a whole?

Hoo boy, ok here's a bit of a longer one. NOTE this is just what works for me and is in NO WAY educational advice.

TLDR:

Practice

Flexibility

Loving the characters and core message

Getting over your own embarrassment and respecting your growth

Keeping it FUN

If these points seem helpful, feel free to check under the cut.

PRACTICE:

I always hate this answer, but it really is true especially for work in a creative field. You ask how I manifest plot? I'm mostly just throwing ideas at a board and seeing what sticks. Then I take the things that stick and lay them out and find what's important or can support my core message. You will have to do this many many times with a long form story, in which case my brain is constantly buzzing with ideas and working at them like an ongoing puzzle. A lot of people use this method, but it's the experience of having done it many times that helps me know what's been overused, how to apply a fresh take, or what should be trimmed (even if I don't want to haha). The best way to practice I think is through personal experience and dissecting other stories to see what makes them work/not work for you as a viewer. As far as personal experience, I would recommend trying to make a story of your own but much shorter. See if you're able to finish it and once you do, come back to it with a critical (but kind) eye. Find where the moments of lull occurred in your creative process and see what you could have done to improve both the creative and viewing experience. Hindsight is a hell of a drug and pretty good at helping you see where you went wrong. If not, get a friend to help! After all is said and done, try fresh with a slightly longer story, rinse and repeat. Just know that the longer your story gets, the less you need to have the whole story figured out before you start creating. In fact I feel it’s better if you don’t necessarily know the whole plot when creating a long ongoing story, which leads me to my next point…

FLEXIBILITY:

When it comes to ongoing stories, it's practically a given that your tastes and writing style will change over time. You will begin to come up with even better ideas as you go, and if you work at it, sometimes you can find ways to infuse these new concepts into your story. Now mind you, when starting a story you should have a decent idea of the overarching plot and major points of conflict/success. However, I find it helps to be flexible with the sinew that connects them. As you move along with your story you may find themes and concepts growing within the plot and characters that you would want to lean into. Rather than forcing them down the path you had initially set, it can be a lot more fun to play in that space and see how you can improve things.

For example, in my latest post, the flashback shot of Leonardo and his brothers all resting together was an idea I came up with a few weeks ago to a plot point I had set back in January. Little things like that are the spice of life for a story and can come to you more easily the longer you work in that headspace. But what really helps me to keep coming back to that story has to come from a place of passion, especially with...

CHARACTERS AND CORE MESSAGE:

You need to make sure that when you sit down to create a story (especially a long one) that it has characters you love and a message you really want to tell, because these are themes and people you are going to be spending a LOT of time with. It's like... going on a trip. There are many people you could easily share a trip to the the mall with... but a six month trip across, Europe? You better make sure the person you're going with isn't someone you're going to want to strangle half way up the Eiffel Tower. People change... tastes change... YOU will change. So I find it's wiser to make sure that you stick to messages that hit you at your core that you already have tattooed on your heart and will not be changing any time soon. Some people use storytelling as a method of therapy, which can be great especially for short stories to get feelings and emotions out. But with a longer story, those strong feelings you have may drain and no longer be relevant by the time you're only half way through your story. I see this happen with a lot of stories that come from a place of "angst." Great for short form! Not so great when drawn out into an ongoing exhausting experience. That's not to say angst can't be done well (there's PLENTY of that in Replica), but it's not the underlying THEME of this story. Just a byproduct THAT what comes from surviving the apocalypse. So stick to those evergreen themes that you know are important to you whether you're fifteen or fifty and make sure you have characters who you WANT to see succeed and are rooting for, because it'll make you want to help them on their way all the more.

EMBARRASSMENT AND RESPECTING YOUR GROWTH:

Hoo boy. I think this is something every creative can relate to. Looking back on your old work can be a cringing experience. Having that work be the beginning part of a story you are STILL currently working on can be even worse! You may hate the way you used to write/draw or find certain elements that no longer jive with who you are now or represent you as a writer/artist. Heck there may be plot points that you wish you could change/cut because you have an even BETTER idea now. All of that can be really hard to stomach and can lead to a lot of unfinished works being abandoned. Now if the work truly does have that strong of a response, it very well may be best to cut your losses. But if you have taken the steps I mentioned above seriously, then there should be a lot to love about your story still. If so, then you have several options before you.

Try to work within the limitations of your early work to make it even better by finding ways of twisting the plot to match your new ideas (difficult but satisfying). Example: one time I had a comic where a side character had to suddenly be available for an extensive period of time... I realized this was shortsighted since I had setup how important he was within a company and there was a conflict of interest. My co-creator and I mulled over it for weeks then realized, that we could just have him get fired! Which was great because it formed more tension with the company (future antagonist) and freed up his time to be a more integral part of the story. So analyze your work and pinpoint those parts that you do not like and see if you can put your improved skills to work to make it even better.

If there's certain things that are unforgivable, then it is always within your power to go back and edit/redraw/change what happened before. I've seen it done before and it CAN work, but be careful because this is a rabbit hole you can fall down where you're just constantly editing the past rather than working on the future. I've seen many stories end simply because they get stuck in an editing loop. However, if the changes are small (but integral), it can help relieve some of the stress. Just be sure to communicate these changes to your followers to avoid confusion.

Redo. This is an extreme method, but I have seen stories be completely overhauled in this manner where the creator will take what they learned from the first iteration and make a new version of it from the ground up that is even better. However, this method is very time consuming and also a pothole that can lead to burnout. It's hard having to redo a story that you've already started telling. So if you really want to start fresh, make sure it's changed enough where you don't feel like you're just plotting over the same points you're already tired of.

Finally... be kind to yourself. Rather than being upset by looking at the early portion of your story, be proud in seeing how far you've come. One of my favorite things to do with webcomics, is to hop from the first page to the latest page and see how much they've improved. I'm sure for the creator it's a harsh experience, but as a VIEWER it's super exciting and makes me want to read even more to see that progression. Long form stories are cool because they are a living, breathing thing... a time capsule of its creator's prowess and a representation of how far they've come. Respect that. Respect yourself as a creator, and be happy to know how much you've improved.

FUN:

Ok, did you absorb all that? Get everything down? Cool, now I want you to take all that knowledge I just gave you and throw it out the window. Ok not literally. Like, keep it in your subconscious, but don't worry about it too much and remember that you're doing this for FUN. If you get too caught up in the idea of "practicing" and "due dates" it'll just burn you out. I actually hate the word "practice." It's like... the word "jogging." Most people don't jog for fun, you jog because it's good for you. But if that's the only reason it's not really great incentive. I wasn't drawing for months on end outside of work because whenever I did I saw it as "practice." So of course I'm not going to want to do it. You have to come at this with the intention of having a good time.

So instead of jogging... treat it like running around a theme park. I know it sounds silly but it does wonders for me. I've been having so much fun drawing Replica and other content for this fandom but at the end of the day, it's sneakily tacking onto my skill sets as practice. I'm not making money off of this.. but I'm learning and getting better and looking back at my old stuff I already know I've improved. It makes me want to keep going and see it to the end! Just make sure to not put too much pressure on yourself. Give yourself rests when needed and make sure to do other things in your life to balance out the workload. You'll be much happier for it.

Or at least that's what works for me. I hope some of this might work for you too. Thanks and good job if you've made it through my long-winded explanation. Gold stars all around.

[historicallyaccuratecheese]

Well...after over five weeks...I'm finally finished. I've finally made it to the end of Season 2 of The Magnus Archives, so...here is my seventh post detailing my thoughts, feelings and theories on every episode of the series, this time on Episodes 71-80. And you know...these have basically turned into semi-recaps of the episodes at this point as well, so uh...add that to the list of definitions.

This final quarter of the season...has been absolutely phenomenal, every episode has knocked it out of the park, and I can say with full confidence that I absolutely adore Season 2 as a whole. But at the same time...DEAR GOD, if these episodes did not contain a boatload of information. There was just....so, SO much to unpack here, hence why this one has taken so long to publish (for the most part anyways), and because of that...this is easily the longest post I have written so far, and...actually the longest thing I've ever written in my entire life. Like, I'm pretty proud of it, but...yikes, this is what my life has become?

I guess I COULD tell you the word count right here and now if I wanted to flex...but my desire to indulge in pride outweighs my desire for people to...actually read this, so um...in order to not scare people who are new here away...let's just say that you'll learn the word count if you make it to the very end. There you go. That's your incentive to read this behemoth of a post. But uh...do it in parts for your own sanity and wellbeing, please.

As always though, some things you should know. Please don't spoil anything past the first two seasons of The Magnus Archives for me, which includes all of The Magnus Protocol. If you haven't gotten this far into The Magnus Archives yourself and have any interest in doing so, please turn away and go listen to it first, because there's obvious spoilers here. I will be making reference to the previous six posts in this series of mine, so I recommend you read those before this one, all of which can be found in the masterpost that is linked above the cut. And finally, trigger warnings for everything in tma, particularly episodes 71-80, will apply here.

With all of that out of the way, I hope you enjoy. :)

- Episode 71, Underground 🚉

Statement of Karolina Górka, regarding a brief period trapped on the London Underground. Statement taken direct from subject.

….what? I mean…uh…ok, I guess just…live your best life girlie, I don’t know. So this was…certainly an…interesting episode to say the least. But not necessarily in the sense of like…insane lore drops or anything, more in the sense of…like…it’s just really damn odd. Overall, this is an extremely short episode with not a whole lot going on, which is most certainly by design given how the characters act in it, but like…I hope that makes you understand why I probably won’t have all that much to say about this one overall. I mean, I don’t really think I’m SUPPOSED to have much to say about this one given how the podcast itself treats it…but like, even if I don’t have any big theories or groundbreaking thoughts to give, I…genuinely kind of love this episode? Like, (and I mean this in the best way possible), it’s so objectively simple and not really all that remarkable, that it works its way around into becoming an extremely memorable and…oddly comedic episode, and I genuinely really like that. It’s really like…the only episode that doesn’t feel like it takes itself seriously so far…and that’s kind of fantastic. It might not be great for the same reasons that…honestly all of tma’s greatest hits are so good, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fantastic its own…weird way. Like, I don’t think it’s quite as much of a masterpiece as Binary for example…but it’s very Binary-esque to me with how…unashamedly weird it is, and that is arguably my favorite aspect of Binary so…yeah, this one unironically slays! Honestly, I don’t have much to say that isn’t basically said by the episode itself, but I’ll still document my thoughts for the sake of it, and I still have some mini-theories regarding this one too, so uh…yeah! Spooky train episode!

So, this is yet another statement taken direct from the subject, this time focusing on a woman named Karolina Górka. Now, I usually talk about my thoughts on the statement givers themselves before I actually get into talking about their story, but…with Karolina, her story is so intertwined with my thoughts on her that I’ll hold off on talking about her for the time being, and save that for later. All I’ll say for now is that…I absolutely stan her. Anyways, she’s come to the institute to give a statement about. an experience that took place a few weeks prior. On January 6th, she was engaging in a belated New Year’s Eve celebration with some close friends of hers at the Star in London. At one in the morning, she left the pub while three of her friends stayed behind, and she headed towards the Victoria line in the London Underground, which had recently started an all-night service on Fridays and Saturdays. Firstly, I have to say that…yeah, choosing the London Underground as a setting for a horror story makes a lot of sense, it is genuinely kind of terrifying in real life sometimes. But also…given what Jon says later on, I do have to wonder if this “all-night service” is actually a bit more sinister than what is let on, and if it’s more of a trap in this scenario…hm. I mean, sure, the service does exist in real life but…in this universe it’s a tad more strange. Anyways, Karolina finds that there’s no one else on the platform outside of a man with a shovel. Given what happens later, I have to wonder if this guy was either someone who ended up in the same situation as Karolina and managed to escape…or if he was the direct cause of it, the latter of which I find quite a bit more interesting. After quite a while though, the train finally pulls up, although Karolina notes that in retrospect, it was probably much more old and dusty than it should’ve been. She finds that she’s still the only person on the train, and after a while, when the silence becomes more eerie and oppressive than comforting, she noticed the adverts plastered across the car were covered in tight-packed soil and mud, as were the chairs, the floor, the windows, really everything. She decides to get off as soon as possible, but the train does not stop. …I know I called this statement more comedic than others, but honestly, this scenario would be fucking terrifying if it happened in real life. She tries to pull the emergency lever, but it breaks off, and eventually…the train actually stops for about twenty seconds. She then finally manages to get some of the doors forced open, finding that the tunnel…is actually just damp, bare earth instead of a manmade structure, and that she can’t get out through the side exits due to how close the earth is to the train. (Unrelated, but I find it kind of odd how the last statement also somewhat prominently featured a train now that I think about it.)

So, with no way out from the sides, Karolina decides to try and reach the front in hopes of getting help from a potential conductor. She then squeezes her way through the doors, hearing…a sound of immense strain on the metal that increases as she goes forwards, and eventually realizes that the train is slowly compressing in on itself. She figures that at this point, any potential driver would be dead, and that there’s absolutely no clear escape at this point. Weirdly though, she actually finds another person on the train, an old man with blue eyes and a grey beard, almost…stuck to the seat around him. He’s realized that there’s no way out at this point, and then digs his hand into Karolina’s skin, saying that there’s “not enough space to move, and never enough to breathe.” And after he lets go…Karolina makes her decision. Having fully accepted there’s no way out, she just…lays down, closes her eyes, and waits for it to be over, as the train compresses even further and the old man screams. And then…somehow, for…SOME reason…she wakes up on the platform at Walthamstowe Central, still alive. She…survived by just not giving a fuck. Due to the mud and dirt all over her, as well as the mark on her wrist where the old man grabbed her hand, this event obviously happened for real, but…she’s somehow not dead. And…that’s the end of her very brief statement. So uh…yeah. Let’s…talk about her in more detail I guess, as I think she’s probably the most important aspect of the episode.

I’ll start off by saying that the incident…in general, like, the whole creepy dreamlike station that takes you to a compressing ghost train…probably isn’t that important in the long run. Well, at the very least, I don’t have too much to say about it for the time being. It’s obviously related to the compression-aligned member of ✨the horrors✨ that shows up in episodes like Lost Johns’ Cave and Held in Customs, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the man with the shovel that Karolina saw at the station was somehow responsible, but ultimately…I don’t think it matters too much. Jon does mention multiple people disappearing after heading to the Victoria line alone, including a man named Nicholas Lekman, presumably the man who Karolina was on the train with, and who is…unlikely to have actually gone to the station as his son says he was a severe claustrophobe. On top of that, there’s no footage of the people who disappeared ever arriving at the station so…yeah, a creepy fake dream dimension where a train tries to eat you is certainly scary, especially if you don’t ACTUALLY have to go to the station to end up there, is certainly pretty scary. It’s also…kind of Micheal-coded, but honestly…you could argue everything in this damn podcast is Micheal-coded if you wanted, and I highly doubt this actually relates to him, even if I would personally love that. Oh, and Jon does seem personally concerned since “Sasha” takes the line…oddly late at night for some reason, but like…I’m not complaining if SHE ends up there. But anyways, that’s enough rambling, what about Karolina? Well, before I delve into why I think she and her involvement with the train actually matters quite a bit, can I just say how much I love her? This woman survived by the sheer power of just…not having a single fuck to give. She was so unbothered by everything, so willing to die in what should’ve been the most traumatizing experience of her life…and that somehow allowed her to see the light of day. And then..when she gives the statement, she is just the most chill person imaginable. Like, as much as love stuff like Tessa’s 6-minute monologue at the beginning of Binary, the fact that Karolina just…immediately gets into it, not even asking for a follow-up at the end and remaining completely unbothered, probably only coming to the institute out of obligation…like what? How can you not love her?! she might just be the most powerful person in the entire podcast so far. I…most definitely have an affection for the statement givers who survive through the most ridiculous methods possible, I think Karolina would get along great with Joshua Gillespie. Actually…it’s funny I mention that because…well, I’ll get to THAT in a little bit. For now though…I want to talk about Karolina’s reaction to the scenario, and how she survived the whole thing, since I think it might actually provide some pretty relevant information when it comes to understanding ✨the horrors✨. Not on the levels of something like Thought for the Day for me…but it’s interesting.

I think the methods through which Karolina survived are…interesting. I’ve seen two possible explanations as to…how exactly taking a nap of all things allowed her to survive, both of which honestly have some decently strong arguments. I’ll start with the argument that I agree with a teensy bit more, which also happens to be the more simple of the two. The most simple explanation for Karolina’s survival is that…she simply just did not care, and whatever was tormenting her got bored, or in my interpretation…stopped working. I agree with this interpretation…mostly because it’s more simple and funny, which is almost never a reason to agree with a theory, especially when the other explanation has much more depth…but given how I think this episode is intended to be seen as pretty simple and comedic, I’ll make an exception just this once. And I mean..outside of the more meta reasons, I think this interpretation still works given both what I’ve seen so far, and what I’ve proposed. Going back to Joshua Gillespie for a second, he already showcases that…ignoring ✨the horrors✨, just simply minding your own business as much as possible…is a pretty valid strategy if you want to stay alive. And if that’s the case…then Jon, and to a lesser extent the entirety of the institute, are probably doomed given how much they dig into this shit. On top of that, I’ve proposed that ✨the horrors✨ are actually just fear incarnate, and if you run with that line of thinking…it would certainly explain why Karolina survived. Sure, she was somewhat unnerved and trying to escape at first, but there’s enough of a tangible difference between fear and survival instincts, and in the end..she just didn’t care. If ✨the horrors✨ are literally fear, and Karolina had no fear in that scenario, then maybe some sort of…error in the system occurred. (omg the simulation theory lives) If she stopped feeling that fear, the being trying to crush her to death just didn’t affect her at all, unlike with Mr. Lekman, whose claustrophobia ultimately killed him. So..yeah, this interpretation is probably my favorite…but the problem with it is that it doesn’t explain how for some reason…Karolina left the archives oddly dusty. This…at the very least suggests that she didn’t get out of the experience entirely unscathed, and that she might not be able to just…move on with her life as normal. Now, some people have suggested that maybe Karolina actually did die on the train, and that her ghost, or something akin to a ghost, was talking to Jon. I mean…it’s not impossible…but it’s also not really based on anything else that’s been shown in the rest of the podcast, nor is it that interesting in my opinion, and it doesn’t feel like there’s nearly enough to take away from that line of thinking in the grand scheme of things. Like…it’s not impossible, but I’m not that wowed by it.

I think a more likely explanation is that she was…”marked” by it, in a similar manner to that of people like Jane Prentiss, Jared Hopworth, Annabelle Cane and so on. Still though…I don’t entirely agree with this idea. I mean, I think it would be cool, and it definitely gives Karolina a better chance of coming back later on, which I would love…but it kind of goes against what I’ve been thinking so far. Firstly, the weirdest things about Karolina are that she leaves dust behind, and is…just so incredibly chill, the latter of which is unlikely to be paranormal. Meanwhile, other people marked by ✨the horrors✨ either possess crazy supernatural abilities like throwing people into an endless abyss, or are just…actual fucking monsters like Jared. On top of that, I’ve suggested before that people have to experience the fear associated with the horror they serve in order to get marked, and Karolina…really didn’t feel that. Now, something I neglected to mention (which in retrospect I really should have when talking about Thought for the Day), is that the fear…seemingly turns into adoration eventually. For example, Jane, while she initially feared The Flesh Hive, eventually came around to it, gaining more love and affection from the worms than she ever did from other people. Jared Hopworth now has a seemingly well-paying job due to his bone-turning abilities, Simon Fairchild seems to be having the time of his life as he throws people into the void, and..yeah, you get the picture. But while Karolina’s certainly at peace with her experience mentally…I don’t know, she’s not exactly enthralled by the idea of being compressed or anything. Like, she’s fine…but I doubt she’d ever wish to re-experience that either way. Ultimately…I think she was marked in a way where like…the powers of ✨the horrors✨ still linger in her soul to some extent, but she doesn’t have those deep connections, or crazy superpowers that all of the major weirdos so far have shown. This theory is far from terrible, I can still see it working…but I personally think it’s more likely that she survived by the raw power of “guess I’ll die”. I think this one also works slightly better tonally, as having her survive due to being chosen or whatever…I don’t know, I just don’t feel like that works as well with the general vibe being presented here, but maybe that’s just me. Overall though… I think this is pretty relevant information! I feel like the major takeaway here is that if you’re any to survive…just ignore it all! Which…probably means I’d die if I were in this universe but who cares! Hooray for new information! …Ok, there is…actually one other thing I feel is worth mentioning, and it actually does connect to the train itself. As I said earlier, I don’t think the creepy train thing will actually matter in the long run, and that Karolina’s interaction with it is what really matters..but I do think the train might explain something else, if kind of slightly? So, everyone remembers the coffin from Do Not Open and Hard Shoulder, right? Well, I already said that Karolina got me thinking about the absolute chad that is Joshua Gillespie, and…then I started thinking about how the train basically acted like a metaphorical coffin for Karolina…and how coffins are tight spaces, and how it’s not actually clear whether you immediately die or not if you enter the coffin due to how Daisy’s old partner went inside…so…I’m wondering if the coffin is somehow aligned with the compression. I think I…still like the idea of a bajillion spiders in there a bit more, and given the scratching and moaning (the latter of which is admittedly a bit similar to how Karolina describes the sound of the train), I definitely think that whatever is in there is at least…a somewhat alive being. There’s also the fact that Joshua escaped the coffin by waking up, and Karolina escaped it by going to sleep, which is a notable difference (although I guess sleep is a recurring motif there)…but it’s an interesting thought, no matter the answer.

So uh…yeah, that sure was Underground. I’m just…honestly kind of surprised by how much I ended up liking this one in the end. Usually, the more simple, short episodes, while never bad by any margin for me…do fall towards the latter end of my liking. Like, they’re still enjoyable, but I have much more fun with the longer episodes that are more complicated, emotional and lore-heavy, most of the time at least. Like, for example, I’m pretty sure my least favorite episode in the entire story so far remains as The Man Upstairs, and it’s mostly a process of elimination deal, but…now that I think about it, I think my problem might’ve been that despite the plot being “guy nails meat to his apartment walls”, it feels like it’s being treated just as seriously as everything else. Like sure, I think I recall Jon commenting on the ridiculousness of the scenario, but it’s in the same manner that Season 1 Jon calls EVERY statement ridiculous. And…I think that’s why I like this one so much. It’s not afraid to call itself out on how it’s both really simple in comparison to most other things, and honestly kind of absurd. It’s well aware that it’s not super serious…and I’m surprised yet delighted to say that this single, lighthearted element makes me really like this one! And even outside of that, the episode still came with an admittedly pretty scary scenario, a really memorable protagonist, and at least from my perspective, some surprisingly intriguing implications. So yeah…I really liked it! I know it might sound like an ironic liking, but even if some of the enjoyment comes from the absurdity, I swear that I have a very genuine appreciation for this one. Well anyways, all of that aside for a moment, we do have the matter of Jon’s post-statement and supplemental. I’ve already discussed most of the post-statement, although I felt like I should just bring attention back to how Not!Sasha is staying as late as she is. That doesn’t really tell me much, it’s just…really fucking concerning is all. But as for the supplemental…well, this one is actually quite interesting. Jon’s been making it much further down into the tunnels recently, which is both concerning and exciting, but as he does so…he’s noticing that there’s more and more normal trash down there. This has led him to come to the conclusion that whatever’s down there is at the very least human-like…and I find that very interesting. I assumed it was a lot more eldritch and monstrous in nature, but while this doesn’t necessarily narrow down any suspects for me…it does tell me what I should avoid looking for, at the very least. I also find it interesting how there’s a very likely possibility that this…person(?) is the one responsible for using the compression powers on Jon in Too Deep, especially since…that’s exactly what this episode dealt with. I mean, given the mystery of how this person is getting their supplies, it might not necessarily be impossible for them to leave the tunnels…so who knows? Maybe this person is the man with the shovel? …I don’t know, admittedly it’s hard to find leads when it comes to this mystery…even if I’m still a little bit curious about that page Mary gave Gertrude, and it’s whereabouts…If the person ends up being Gertrude’s ghost I’m actually going to flip. Oh, and mentioning her, Jon also brings up the possibility of her being killed by more than one person, which I find interesting. It could be a red herring, but I have thrown out the idea of it being a group like The Divine Host or The Lightless Flame before so…that’s interesting. Oh, and lastly, Jon mentions that he’s going to halt exploration until he can get some police assistance from Basira, which is honestly great news! Even though I’m dying to know who and what is down there, it’s good to know that he’s being cautious with the exploration, and that Basira hasn’t just entirely peaced out, since that makes the idea of more of Gertrude’s tapes a lot more likely. So uh…yeah! Underground! …I’m still so in awe of Karolina. What an unbothered queen…

Supplemental: Wow, that was…longer than expected. Anyways, there’s been a couple of other things running through my head recently. For one, I was thinking a bit more about the whole situation with Tim at the end of Binary. I felt like I kind of brushed over it in my last post due to…all of the other shit that episode presented, but the more I think about it…THAT’S GENUINELY KIND OF TERRIFYING?! Just…like, I’m less concerned by what’s keeping him (and presumably…everyone) there than I am the mere fact that you CAN’T. LEAVE. The idea of being trapped in a job that’s gotten as dangerous as this one is…genuinely a horrific thought, and just…IS HE OK?! IS HE HOLDING UP WELL?! DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW ABOUT THIS?! I DON’T…OH GOD. Well…anyways, on another note, I was thinking more about ✨the horrors✨, as I always do, but more specifically, I was thinking about their…humanization. What I mean by that is that, in my last post, I kind of suggested that maybe they were more human, or at least human-adjacent in how they function, than I initially assumed, due to Gertrude suggesting that The End was a “who”. But since I also proposed the idea that ✨the horrors✨ were fear incarnate in Thought for the Day (Istg that episode will haunt me for the rest of my life), which is a lot more…abstract, I kind of want to give an update on that idea. I personally think it’s…up in the air. A lot of ✨the horrors✨ I’ve established are more…environmental, like the darkness, the compression, The Vast, so on and so forth, but then you have ones like The Piper and…possibly The Anglerfish, which are much more humanoid in design, and then there’s…Micheal, who’s this sort of weird middle ground that clearly possesses a consciousness and personality, as well as a…somewhat human figure, but also identities as a “what”, and is…apparently synonymous with his weird backrooms dimension. So ultimately…I’m still kind of unsure on how human-like these things are, I think I’m leaning towards abstract concepts overall…but I’ll just have to wait and see. Or not! Maybe I’ll never get answers, who knows?! Well…that’s all for now. I’m going to go to sleep now, since that’s apparently a very effective way to not die.

- Episode 72, Takeaway 🥓

Statement of Craig Goodall, regarding his explorations of an abandoned chicken and kebab shop in Walthamstow.

To quote our beloved Head Archivist of The Magnus Institute, London….“hm. More meat.” You know, when the phrase “meat-based horror” pops into my head whenever I think about tma, I always feel like that should be something that only scares like…HARDCORE vegans (it’s the internet, you know exactly the kinds of people I’m talking about), and then I actually listen to the meat episodes and they’re genuinely really unnerving. So on that note, yeah I really liked this one! I don’t know why, but I’ve always had a bit of strange affection for restaurants as horror set-pieces, so I knew I was going to like this one right out of the gate. And this one absolutely delivered on its premise! I thought it was really well paced, had some extremely vivid and…somewhat squirm-inducing scenes and imagery that were executed horrifically well, and while it might not be the biggest episode of all time in regards to lore, it does expand upon and kind of…tie together a lot of the themes in the more body horror-esque episodes that have shown up in the past, and it also brings back a plot point that I…honestly almost completely forgot about for a brief moment. So yeah, there’s not much more to add, so uh…time for another episode about consuming things that should not be consumed I guess.

Ok, I should start off with a brief yet important note. Obviously, this episode opens with…quite the interesting and relevant scene, taking place before the statement even begins. For the time being though…I’m going to ignore that. Not only because the supplemental this time was very brief and connects directly to the opening, but also because said opening is entirely unconnected to everything else in this episode…and also drives me into much more of a panic, so…I’ll go over it at the end of the episode. All I’ll say for now is…JON. HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU READ A STATEMENT NOW OF ALL TIMES?! YOUR ASSOCIATE IS POTENTIALLY DEAD AND YOU GO “OH NO, ANYWAYS” ON HER?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Like…I guess his voice sounded debatably more shaky than it usually is but….dude! Sort your priorities out! I understand that she’s…probably somewhere very far away but COME. ON. Well…what about the statement? So, this statement comes from a curious man named “Craig Goodall”. Yeah, apparently much like “Antonio Blake”, this guy is a statement giver who’s faking his identity. For what reasons, I have no idea, but it’s enough to make me suspect that he…might come back in the future. You know, it’s kind of scary to think about these statement givers with fake identities, since for all we know, they could return at any moment, maybe even showing up before they gave their statement…and we’d have no idea unless they directly revealed said identity. …I don’t like that thought. Anyways, regardless of his identity…Craig absolutely kills it! I mean…he’s not particularly remarkable overall, but any guy who confesses to most likely being a cannibal at the very beginning of the episode is at least kind of memorable to me. And…yeah, I guess I should cover that. So, Craig was a somewhat common customer to a local takeaway called Waltham Express Grill, which served chicken, kebab, burgers and all sorts of meats. The owner was a man named John Haan, who was accused of murdering his wife in 2004, and…well, selling the dismembered body parts as meats, only saying “meat is meat” as he was arrested. So…yeah, given his status as a regular there when the place was more than an abandoned ghost story…there’s a very good chance that Craig ate some of Mr. Haan’s wife. Well…I appreciate his honesty. Craig…actually gives some pretty interesting insight into cannibalism as a concept that I had never really thought about before. Obviously he’s against murdering people, or only eating people when there’s so much meat out there, but like…he’s not exactly against the concept of eating human flesh if he has to. Like, the actual act of doing so is fine to him, since there’s no more of a difference between human and animal meat than there is a difference between like…pork and fish, it’s just that consuming human meat is a lot more morally questionable. And like…I honestly have to agree with this take. Obviously, I’m not a cannibal, but like…I don’t know, if it does apparently taste like pork then…I’m fine with it. I mean, my relationship with non-human meat is already one where I don’t particularly care for it (or…most food in general now that I think about it), but I’ll still eat it to stay alive…and I honestly don’t see it being much different with human meat. If I was given nothing to eat outside of human carcasses, I’d eat the caracasses, ok? …ah, sorry for the rambling. I just like it when tma makes me think about weird shit. Going back to the actual story, it’s not surprise that after Mr. Haan was arrested (I’m kind of dumbfounded by how the amount of Micheals are seen as more meme-worthy than the amount of Johns btw), the old takeaway became abandoned, since no one wanted to buy a former cannibal restaurant. Still though, Craig stayed around, never leaving the neighborhood, even though he was reminded of his potential cannibalism every time he walked past the place.

As time went on, the place became more and more disheveled without care…but there were a few times where the ever-curious Craig would poke his head through the cracks in the metal sheets that covered the windows…and would find that it looked far too clean to be abandoned. Already this reminded me of another meaty statement, since this was very similar to how Gregory Pryor described Jared Hopworth’s…. “butcher shop”, if you can call it that. I don’t think they’re actually connected in the sense that Jared is familiar with the takeaway, but it’s a…somewhat notable similarity at the least. Anyways, on a particularly gloomy and rainy day, as Craig was walking past the abandoned ruins of Waltham Express Grill, he heard…a sound. It sounded like something small and light had hit the ground inside…and then he heard quiet laughter. He also noticed that the window was slightly ajar, and that’s when he figured that someone was inside, and decided to call the police. Ultimately, all they found was a teenage boy with a spray paint can, and they just let him off with a warning. So that’s…understandable, but then one of the cops drops the can on the ground, and leaves it behind split open…and pouring blood red paint. Now, this could theoretically just be some standard ominous imagery…but I honestly doubt it. Given what we later learn is actually inside the takeaway, as well as the source of the laughter…I do not think that the teenager was ok. I’m pretty sure that kid had some sort of nasty experience…and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was really blood in that spray paint can. Well…either way, Craig doesn’t sleep very well that night, his mind still on what happened back there, manifesting in the form of some freaky, bloody nightmares. He ultimately makes the foolish decision to head back, calling a friend of his with a penchant for urban exploration and housebreaking, Leroy Yates, to come help him if he doesn’t check in within an hour or so. And…this is the part where the episode makes me queasy. Like I said, I am not exactly scared of meat on its own, but mutilation…yeah, that’s…no thank you. The human body is already pretty weird and disgusting on its own to me, and this episode doesn’t make me like it much more, but I guess that’s a good thing for a horror podcast to strive for. Regardless, Craig manages to squeeze his way through the gaps in the metal and get inside the takeaway, seemingly inside a storeroom. All perishable items had been removed from the place, but…everything else was still there, the equipment somehow looking shiny and new. He eventually discovers a freezer marked by the teenager’s…what I hope is paint. Craig assumes that he was trying to spell out John Haan’s iconic “MEAT IS MEAT” phrase, but only had time to write “MEAT IS ME”…but once again, given the weird shit going on in the takeaway, I have to wonder….oh god. Thankfully, nothing is inside the freezer…but then Craig hears that same quiet laughter. He looks to his feet and finds a pale Chinese man with a terrifying grin staring at him. Now, while this man is never named, we have every reason to assume that he is supposed to be Tom Haan, the exact same man who worked at the Aver Meats abattoir in the episode Killing Floor. Because I mean…who else is it going to be? I’ll discuss my thoughts on him, as well as what his presence here ultimately means in a bit, as I do think he’s the most important aspect of the episode, but for now I’m just establishing his name so I don’t have to call him…“the man”, or something stupid like that. Well, regardless of his name, it’s clear that this guy is an absolute psycho because he…cuts through Craig’s Achilles tendon with bolt cutters. …I’m not going to lie, that…really got to me. That is a PAINFUL fucking place to get butchered. Just…just no. Well, agony aside, this injury causes Craig to knock his head on the counter, and he blacks out. And it only gets weirder from here…I guess…

So, after his blackout, Craig finds himself on the upper floor of the takeaway, bound to a wooden floor with cable ties, noting that his ankle was throbbing with pain, but…not as much as he expected it to. He saw that around him were chipped teacups, old bibles, “oddly textured” candles, and…a whole pile of human fingers. …oh dear. Tom Haan then walked into the room, shirtless and painfully thin-looking, while chewing…something that I’d rather not have the answer to in his mouth, and carrying a butcher’s knife. And…when he starts talking, we get the funniest part of the episode. Craig notes that he was surprised to learn Tom could speak English, and that despite the fact he was about to be brutally dismembered, he felt bad about thinking something low-key racist. …you can see why I like him, right? Like, that’s just kind of funny. Well, comedy aside, Tom just shows more and more psychopathic tendencies. He cuts off three of Craig’s fingers, and starts skimming through the pile of old bibles, talking nonsense about how Christians both Ho lured disregarded the body, something about souls…so on and so forth. This…oddly Christian undertone that’s associated with cannibals has shown up many times before, although…it’s kind of weird the more I think about it? Like, neither he nor Eustace Wick actually seem to be Christian, but seem to use Christian-sequel practices when worshiping their…weird meat god thing, possibly in a derogatory way given what Tom says. And…I guess that could explain why Edwin Burroughs was so heavily mistreated by god-knows-what for being Catholic, and then forced to eat human flesh…I don’t know, it’s a really weird situation where it feels like these guys are…stealing Christian practices, both for their own gain and out of disrespect. And then you have Jared, who seemingly connects to the same body horror being, but has no Christian imagery whatsoever? Maybe because his transformation into The Boneturner was a lot more…involuntary? But it’s not like we know how Tom or Eustace started serving this power anyways so…eh? I don’t know, it’s a curious theme, but a weird one. (Also uh…this is probably very obvious, but no, I don’t think this Tom is the same as Not!Sasha’s boyfriend, they seem entirely separate all things considered.) Well, enough rambling. Right before Tom is about to chop another piece of Craig off, Leroy Yates shows up and barrels into him, using the butcher’s knife to free Craig. It’s then that…what is actually the only…technically paranormal thing in this statement comes to fruition. Craig notices that his ankle, his fingers…they’re present. They’re fine. The pieces that were cut off (which is obviously very Piecemeal-core), are still there…but he has a fresh new set of flesh in its place. But before he can say anything about this, he notices that one of the candles had been pushed onto the bibles…and the entire place gets set ablaze. Craig and Leroy flee the scene, and Tom’s fate is left uncertain, at least to them. So…yeah! Takeaway! Overall this was a great episode, I think my favorite aspect about it was how it wasn’t even explicitly paranormal up until the very end, and despite that, it managed to feel just as creepy, ominous and disgusting as every other much more…clearly unnatural episode in the story so far. The setting was executed perfectly, and while it’s not the most lore-heavy episode to date, it still gave a pretty nice extended look at the body horror and it’s strange Christian undertones, and also some very relevant information regarding the previously elusive Tom Haan. And…yeah, I guess I should discuss him in more detail now.

Up until this point, Tom Haan only had one appearance in an episode, and that was Killing Floor. Now, the statement in this episode was given in 2013, so that basically confirms that Tom survived the fire that burnt down Waltham Express Grill. To give a brief recap, he was seen in this episode working at the Aver Meats industrial abattoir alongside the protagonist David Laylow, who had decided to quit his job on the killing floor after he started to have thoughts of humans and animals being the same kind of meat. Tom approached David on his final day at the killing floor, telling him he “could not stop slaughter by closing the door”, which I interpret as him saying “it doesn’t matter if you leave, these animals will still die”. David later found himself in a liminal-dream like space, where he almost walked into a meat grinder at one point…and was later forced to shoot Tom Haan with a bolt gun by Tom himself. After he did that he managed to escape. Now, it is entirely possible that Tom died here, I believe Tom’s whole goal when seemingly throwing David into this…weird sort of dream abattoir was to force him to keep on viewing humans and animals alike as nothing more than meat, which definitely fits…the family ideology that seems to be upheld in Takeaway. And you know, having to kill another human with a bolt gun you usually use to kill animals would certainly get the point across. But…I’m not entirely convinced. Tom is said to have left the abattoir in the middle of a shift, later completely vanishing, and then there’s the fact that the whole scenario was kind of…vision-like, the fact that Tom’s power’s apparently still affect the place to this day, and also the fact that…as much as he seems to be very ideal-driven, I doubt Tom would sacrifice his own life if it meant one random guy viewing humans as meat, that just seems like kind of a waste. So…I personally think that he’s still out there, and that the version Mr. Laylow shot with the bolt gun was just some sort of…vision he conjured up. But hey, he might actually be dead for real, I’m just spitballing here. I would also like to note some…odd similarities to other characters he shows here. I think similarities to people who obviously have this…body horror motif going on are pretty obvious (so like, Jared Hopworth, Eustace Wick, Angela from Piecemeal, so on and so forth), but…he has some weird similarities to other people as well. The way that saying a weird phrase threw Mr. Laylow into some sort of hell dimension really reminds me of how Simon Fairchild saying “enjoy sky blue” threw Robert Kelly into the endless sky. That could potentially just be a running theme among all of these people with creepy superpowers, but then you have the…really weird similarities to Micheal. Yes. I’m doing it again. Until I get answers I refuse to exclude him from discussion. But…in all seriousness, I do have to wonder if there’s something going on here. Both of them lure people into liminal space hell dimensions (which oddly enough, is a trait that Tom doesn’t exhibit in Takeaway), and while Tom comes off as kind of cold to me in Killing Floor…I don’t know, in Takeaway it felt like he exuded that same cryptic, unhinged creepy smile energy as Micheal. …yeah I’m well aware I’m insane but what else am I supposed to do? NOT talk about the funny big hand man? …I mean yeah probably but THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT. So…anyways. That’s about all of the information and weird details I could muster from Tom’s previous appearance…but what about the new lore this episode gave us? …I should’ve probably discussed this earlier, god I’m so sorry.

Ok…so, I should start off by explaining what little we know of Tom’s past. How exactly this man became a meat freak remains unknown, but I’m going to assume that it’s a sort of…lineage based thing, in a similar vein to how all of The Fairchilds likely serve The Vast, and how…most of The Lukas Family has this desire to isolate, minus Evan. I assume this, because we learn at the end of the episode that nine months before his incarceration, John Haan (who is revealed to be Tom’s uncle), let the rest of his staff at Waltham Express Grill go, and left it to Tom, explaining how and why he was hanging out there. I think this was done because John also served this meat-related power, and wanted the takeaway (which I’m starting to assume is some sort of…holy ground) to be in the hands of someone who was also devoted to the power, rather than any of his employees, who we know all thought John was just a normal guy before the cannibalism, meaning they were unlikely to be in touch with the weird meat shit, going on the assumption that their testimonies are true. So…yeah, that probably explains why Tom moved over from China to Walthamstow. His uncle wanted him to continue the…”family business”, if you can call it that. Now, I really don’t have much else to say about Tom when it comes to his motivations, or anything of the sort. He’s obviously dismembering people because he’s a cannibal, and also because he worships some sort of meat god via Christian and Eucharist-like practices. There’s…not really much more to add here, until further notice I think he’s pretty easy to explain. But…what’s really interesting to me are his abilities. All of the body horror people have had pretty different powers. Jared can turn people’s bones, Eustace could seemingly make corpses speak in an attempt to get others to eat them, even after his own death, and Angela has that weird…body part loss and regeneration curse thing going on. Tom though is…a lot more curious. I’ve already mentioned his odd, Micheal’s Backrooms-esque abilities shown in Killing Floor, which this episode doesn’t shed much light on unfortunately. What this episode does show however is a regeneration ability, one not too dissimilar to that of Angela. Obviously, even after getting three of his fingers and his Achilles’ tendon chopped off, Craig found that he maintained those body parts. I really see no one else but Tom being capable of this…and I feel like that might explain what he’s actually doing. I don’t think Tom…actually kills his victims, I think it’s much more likely that he spends time cutting off pieces of them, regenerating and cutting again, and maybe even lets them leave afterwards. I have a feeling that given the…somewhat ominous circumstances surrounding him, that kid was likely one of Tom’s victims, being used to gain a number of parts until Tom got bored and let him go. But there is…one other notable thing about Tom’s abilities, one that might actually explain one of the most polarizing and mysterious episodes in the entire podcast so far.

You see, I initially assumed that the episode called Thrown Away connected back to Anatomy Class, but thanks to some insights from the YouTube Comments…I have second thoughts. If you don’t recall, this episode deals with mysterious trash bags containing excess amounts of strange items. Three of these items (doll heads, a copper heart and human teeth) are either body part-esque or just straight up body parts, which is definitely fitting for Tom. Interestingly, it’s noted that all of the teeth were…seemingly replicas of the exact same tooth, and that would certainly work if we assumed that Tom pulled out a tooth, and kept on regenerating it and pulling it out again. (That is…an absolute nightmare now that I think about it.) The second bag also contained charred Latin bible verses, and I mean…he did get his old bibles set on fire so…yeah that checks out. Basically, the argument is that the trash bags on 93 Lancaster Road were all left behind by Tom Haan, which also makes him Alan Parfitt’s murderer. I think for the time being, that makes the most sense when trying to explain Thrown Away. So…yeah, that’s about all I have to say on Tom Haan for the moment. Pretty cool character, I hope to see more of him.

Well, that’s about all I have to say regarding the main statement, and…some other potential connections. So what about the post-statement and supplemental. And…the pre-statement for that matter. Well, we do have a few small details regarding Craig’s story from Jon. Well…there’s actually only one thing that I haven’t mentioned here. Apparently, the remains of Lanying, John Haan’s wife, lacked any notable defensive wounds, and some of them seemed almost self-inflicted. I take this to mean that Lanying likely committed suicide, although I doubt John was entirely uninvolved. I think the most likely explanation is that both of them were meat freaks, and while John did deal some damage to her, it was ultimately consensual on her part, and she probably wounded herself a bit too. …I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse about the whole scenario. But disregarding all of that…I really ought to touch on how the episode begins and ends. So, at the beginning of the episode, Jon gets a call from Basira, who is…god knows where honestly. And apparently, her and a number of other members of Section 31 have been sent to arrest…MAXWELL FUCKING RAYNER?! HELLO?! …LIKE RIGHT NOW?! HE-HE’S ACTUALLY FUCKING HERE?! SINCE WHEN?! Oh god…things really ARE heating up now. So yeah…Rayner is still around apparently, and for…whatever reason and under whatever circumstances, the police have found him. I’m just…HUH?! Like, I expected him, and The Divine Host as a whole to make a more direct appearance eventually but…I just didn’t expect it to happen…now of all times. But you know what, despite that, and despite the raw terror this puts me in…I’m REALLY excited by this. The whole Divine Host plot is really intriguing to me, it’s such an interesting look at the life-ruining effects of cults to me, and the whole aesthetic is really cool as well. So having the ever-elusive Maxwell Rayner seemingly make his in-person debut…OH HO HO HO HO. I’m stoked. But…I’m also horrified. You see, Jon advises Basira to bring torches (which I initially interpreted as the American version of a torch because I have yet to be fully Britishified by my extended family) in order to combat Rayner’s darkness. But right after he does so, static starts creeping in, and Basira is cut off. And…the static isn’t the regular ambient static that shows up in most episodes, it’s much more akin to the audio distortions that play when Not!Sasha and Micheal are around, so…oh god. Much like Jon, I…really hope that she’s ok. And unlike Jon, I hope that if Daisy’s there, she’s also ok. (don’t listen to him, he just hates to see a girlboss winning.) Well…given that the next episode is literally called “Police Lights” I’m sure I’ll know what happens soon enough…but I’m still pretty worried. …oh my darkness. Things are..definitely about to get hectic, I can feel it.

Supplemental: God I’m just…I’m so fucking sorry. This- this episode was about MEAT. It was about fucking human flesh of all things and I somehow managed to write all of that. I’m just. What. What the hell is even wrong with me at this point. I would say I’d try and make things more brief…but like, I’m in too deep to back out now, this podcast is my everything and I. Can’t. Stop. TALKING ABOUT IT! Send help. Or don’t. It’s not like it’ll make much of a difference, for I will still be insane about this. Oh, one other thing, I was re-listening to those static noises I mentioned, and…I realize they kind of reflect whatever’s showing up pretty well. Not!Sasha’s is high pitched and the faintest, hiding in the background. Micheal’s is all squiggly and choppy, you can’t really get a good idea of it. And the darkness is really loud and oppressive, almost…all-consuming. I just think the podcast has some really clever audio editing, and thought it was worth appreciating.

- Episode 73, Police Lights ⚫️

Statement of Police Constable Basira Hussain, regarding the attempted arrest of Maxwell Rayner. Statement taken direct from subject.

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. HE JUST. HE JUST FUCKING DIED. LIKE. THREE SHOTS AND HE’S DEAD. I CAN’T. HUH?! NO GODDAMN WAY. NO. THIS DOES NOT END HERE. THERE’S TOO MANY UNSOLVED MYSTERIES. THE DIVINE HOST WILL LIVE ON. I CAN’T EVEN COMPREHEND THIS. I JUST. AJSJJSJDJEJEKEKKEKEKLELELELLELELELEL. …So um…wow. This was…yeah, this was quite an episode. I…I really don’t know how to feel about this one if I’m being honest. Not in the sense of like, I don’t know whether or not I like it, because I’m pretty certain I do. It advanced the plot in really interesting ways and is making my head spin in a lot of different directions, which if you know me, you’d know is like…the best thing an episode of tma can do for me. It’s just…the turns it took are really surprising to me, and…I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit worried. I’ll delve into it a bit more later on, but like…I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find what happens to Rayner a little bit concerning for the future. This is one of the few instances so far of a statement-only plot…kind of entering the main story that affects the characters we’re personally familiar with, and…as long as this isn’t where things end, I’m totally fine…but I’m just a little concerned. I mean, I overall doubt this is where the entire Divine Host story ends given just…how many mysteries there still are, but…sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. I will delve into it a bit later, but just know that provided I assume the best going into the future…this was an absolutely killer episode. It REALLY does feel like we’re in proper season finale territory right now, and even if the inclusion of this storyline at now of all times was pretty surprising…I’m getting super excited regardless. Sorry I’m just…I feel like I’m trying to get all my thoughts out right now because there’s just SO much…but I’ll make sure to take it one step at a time. So um…I guess I’ll just start then!

Edit: I’ll explain it soon enough but…oh it is so not over. It is SO not over. OHOHOHOHOHOHO IT IS SO NOT OVER!!!

Ok so starting off: THANK GOD BASIRA SURVIVED. I mean, I got the sense that I wasn't going to be left hanging for too long after the phone call from last episode, given how the episode is literally called "Police Lights" but like...I was genuinely worried here. I think it was mostly due to the fact that her and Jon had been pretty distanced for a while, and like...it just felt like a time where they could kill her off, you know? And given where she ends up at the end of the episode, I have to wonder if...maybe that idea was something that Jonny considered at one point, but I really can't be sure. Well, regardless, what matters is that she's ok. Well...she's ok as she can be after that experience. It's really interesting to see Basira, who's been one of the most mellow people in the entire podcast so far, end up as distraught as she is here. It kind of feels like she parallels the archival staff in this way, having had minor paranormal or...just slightly strange things happen to her, before coming face to face with something much greater than she could've anticipated, (The Divine Host in her case, The Prentiss attack in the institute's case), and it leaves her changed and shaken. She's silently mourning the loss of a colleague, clearly pissed off at how the force plans to handle things...and yet she's still so quiet. It's just...a really good show of how dire the situation has gotten now. But uh...yeah, cutting to the chase, Basira had a rather nasty encounter with Maxwell Rayner and other members of his cult. As I alluded to earlier, I'm...honestly surprised that they're showing up so prominently at...now of all times. Currently, I'm kind of working on the assumption that this episode is just a tease for the time being, and that The Divine Host will come back in a greater force that we get to see in person later on, but...it's still kind of peculiar to me. I've assumed that Season 2 is building up to a finale that centers on topics like Not!Sasha, the tunnels and The End, but...maybe I should add The Divine Host to that list? I mean, I've already thrown them out as a possible Gertrude killer, even if I think there's some noticeable holes in that argument, but like...even then, I think another thing that the Season 2 finale will draw attention to is the paranormal nature of The Magnus Institute, and that seems to center around the eyes, and The Divine Host has a closed eye for a symbol which suggests some sort of rivalry so...MAYBE?! I guess only time will tell, but...it would be very interesting if they somehow play a much greater role in the finale than I expected. Either way though, I'm really happy that more light is being shed on them (uh...metaphorically, not really literally), because I've always found them really compelling, and thought that they've given some fantastic episodes in the past, so...yeah, I love their inclusion here either way. But uh...enough preamble. Let's just get into the statement, because oh boy...I am happy to announce that there is some LORE here!

So, starting from the top. It all began on the previous day, when Basira, Daisy (who was oddly absent from this episode despite Jon mentioning her in his last supplemental), and a number of other sectioned officers were called to deal with the case of a kidnapped 12-year old named Callum Brodie. Now, this kid isn't present for much of the statement and doesn't really do a ton, outside of being traumatized which is...yeah fair enough actually, but there's actually something really interesting about him to me. So, for reasons I'll explain later, I decided to scroll through the wiki articles for all of the previous episodes with significant involvement from The Divine Host (while avoiding spoilers of course), and when stumbling upon Exceptional Risk, I found that the protagonist of that episode, Philip Brown, had an ex-wife named Caroline Brodie. I guess this COULD be a coincidence, given how many Micheals and Johns there are, but given how both statements deal with the same member of ✨the horrors✨, and how Jon strangely drew significant attention to Caroline and her divorce despite her...not being seemingly significant whatsoever, outside of her existence further proving that Philip Brown was a massive dick...I definitely think he's supposed to be her son. But...this is pretty interesting from a lore perspective. You see, I have reasons as to why I think The Divine Host kidnapped a child in the first place, but it was kind of difficult to pinpoint...why Callum Brodie was chosen specifically. But the thing is...if Philip Brown really is his dad, then both of them have dealt with the exact same forces. This could just be a thematic thing going on, but like...really, what are the odds that the kid you abduct just happens to come from a guy you previously traumatized 15 years ago? ...So what if it wasn't a coincidence. If Gerard's words in Lost in the Crowd are anything to go off of, then people who have had paranormal experiences can get "marked", some seemingly in more potent ways than others. So like...does this imply that when you get "marked", it's...like a disease of some kind? Like, people you're close to get haunted by the same thing as you? But that's really weird to me, because like...if Callum is 12 years old right now, and Caroline left Philip in 2004, then chances are she was at least in early pregnancy, and at most, Callum was a VERY young baby. So...the chances of his dad's curse following him seem kind of weird...and I hope to god that this isn't some sort of...paranormal sex thing like with Squirm. (I am so sorry for putting that image in your mind holy fuck.) I'm...probably reading too much into this, but I feel like there HAS to be a reason for Callum Brodie being chosen specifically, especially since The Divine Host was stationed pretty far away from where he lived, so they definitely weren't content with any other child. Uh...fuck I've been rambling again. Back to Basira!

So yeah, her, Daisy and the other officers are pretty surprised to have been called in for a kidnapping case that doesn't seem all that paranormal, but they got the sense that something was off soon enough, especially with the presence of a counter-terrorist firearms squad. They basically got a short briefing, explaining how Callum had been found in the captivity of one Maxwell Rayner, and how that name led to obvious suspicion of cult involvement. Interestingly, it was while the rescue team was in the van when Basira decided to call Jon, and he advised her to bring as many torches as possible. I find this peculiar, because if you recall, there was another creepy static noise that cut her off, and I initially assumed that was Rayner or...just the darkness in general, and while that could still be the case in theory (especially given the sort of...all-consuming nature the darkness exhibits)...I'm honestly not...AS convinced as I was. I think I'll still run with it for simplicity's sake, but it didn't sound like Basira was really near the hideout when she made that call so...I wonder if the thing that cut her off might've been something else. I'll...keep it in mind just in case. Anyways, with a number of torches in hand, the team started their explorations of the two-story industrial complex in Harringay where Callum was suspected to be held. Interestingly, this building was said to be owned by a company called...Outer Bay Shipping. This group, which according to Jon seems to be a shell corporation of some kind, has only been once before, very briefly in Growing Dark. Apparently, (at least in the world of tma), they basically own the small Norwegian town of Ny-Ålesund, which you might recall as being the same one that's home to Optical Solutions Ltd., the group that provided the...cut cameras for Daedalus. Now, given their clear connection to Ny-Ålesund, it definitely seems like The Divine Host has...some sort of arrangement with Outer Bay. My best guess is that they might be meant to transport members of The Divine Host to Ny-Ålesund. (which now that I mention it...I kind of wonder if they're familiar with The Tundra? I mean, The Lukas Family and The Divine Host are implied to be familiar in Personal Space so...maybe?) And on that note...I...kind of find it weird that The Divine Host is even stationed in England at the moment. Natalie Ennis previously implied that they were making...some sort of movement, in what would've been March of 2015, and I assumed that was a migration to Ny-Ålesund due to them chanting its name in Hither Green Chapel, and...them just having a general reason to be there due to the longer nights. But...no, they're still here. Honestly, as interesting as I find them, it's really hard to figure out what the goals or motives of The Divine Host even are, outside of worshipping darkness and...fucking everything up I guess. Oh, uh..back to Basira.

So, each sectioned officer was paired up with one from the firearms squad, something apparently breaching the protocol to a massive degree, which just showed how serious this mission was. Basira was partnered with an officer named Goodman, and the two of them took to exploring the loading dock at the back of the building. They noticed that the street lights were a lot dimmer than they should've been, everything that wasn't directly underneath them being shrouded in darkness. They eventually made their way inside, finding the place decently well-lit, and filled with boxes that...didn't really contain anything especially remarkable. And...that's when a scream was heard. The scream seemingly came from a figure that Basira described as dressed head-to-toe in a black leotard, although...I don't necessarily think this was some ordinary Divine Host member. Not only is their outfit decently different from what we see other members wear later on, but Basira described the scream as...almost animal-like. I find this relevant, because I suggested that the darkness itself was more like a beast of some kind after Exceptional Risk. This makes me think that the person wasn't just a human dressed in all-black, but rather some sort of...humanoid manifestation of the darkness. ...And I get the sense that could be relevant to a theory of mine, not exactly sure in what way but...I'll get to that soon enough. Then again...the figure did seemingly bleed when Goodman shot it, and there are other weird clothes in this episode so...maybe I'm off the mark. Well, either way, Goodman shot the figure, leaving Basira's ears filled with a high-pitched whine for a while, but they still tried to push upstairs after searching the lower floor. But before she could follow, Goodman tugged on her arm to reveal two other nearby officers. One of them was a trigger-happy member of the firearms squad Basira didn't recognize, and the other was Leo Altman, another sectioned officer who Basira was somewhat familiar with. The two of them had discovered a basement that wasn't mentioned in the briefing, and...well, they really had no choice but to go down. And when they did...they discovered the most horrifying thing of all. ...an accidental Deltarune reference. Like, come on. Darkness leaking out of a door as if it were light? Photon readings negative? That's literally just Deltarune. And I absolutely love it. But in all seriousness, Basira mentions that a sound came from behind the door, one that sounded like a crashing waterfall slowed right down. That...does actually sound pretty similar to the static from the phone call, so...yeah, the darkness intercepting her makes more sense to me. Anyways, they open the basement door, and...well yeah, everything goes dark as expected. Thankfully, the officers were able to turn on their torches, but they only illuminated a small area around them, the darkness being thick and oppressive. Basira notes that they never even went through the door, and that there were strange, inky particles in the air that never touched their clothing, but floated around them all as they stumbled around in endless darkness, constantly having to replace torches as they sputtered out. Eventually, the old industrial smell of the Outer Bay complex disappeared. A faint roar permeated through the air the entire time, and Basira feels like she might've been screaming, but couldn't hear it over the choking darkness. Well...that's just swell, isn't it. So yeah, cops are wandering around in the dark and everything is oppressive and super creepy, but don't worry! ...Things get even worse! And I...still find it hard to believe that what I'm about to go over took place in the span of five seconds.

So. ...oh boy. After who knows how long spent wandering around in the darkness, Goodman lands his torch on a tall old man. He's wearing a dark, black robe that seems to move and shift in an unnatural way, his wild white hair covers a scraggly beard...and his eyes are milky white. This is obviously Maxwell Rayner, and tied to a chair next to him is Callum Brodie, his eyes...blank, but not entirely clouded like Rayner's, and his face is locked into a silent scream. Basira sees that Rayner has his thin bony hands raise to Callum...and that a thick, black ink-like substance is pouring from his mouth like a heavy fog, working its way up towards Callum's face, the roaring sound from earlier being revealed to have come from Rayner. Thankfully, Goodman opens fire on Rayner and shoots him square in the chest three times, which....oh my god. I just realized this like...as I'm writing this. ...That is exactly how Gertrude died. ....No, there's NO way that this guy is her killer, there's NO way. Like...I'd be absolutely baffled if that was the case but...I feel like this HAS to mean...something, you know? I just...oh god, I've absolutely opened a can of worms here and...I'll need to think about this one. I um...I'll just leave it here for now...back to Rayner. As he's shot, his robe violently twitches, and all of the black liquid backs off of Callum. Basira swears though that, as Goodman was opening fire, she found herself in a cathedral. It's never specified whether this was just some kind of...weird quirk of the scenario, or if the cops were led so far away from the building that they somehow found themselves there when stumbling around in the dark, but...it's interesting regardless. Still tough, the dark substance continues to pour out of Rayner's mouth, and it ends up hitting Leo Altman's face as he attempts to untie Callum, causing him to howl in pain and start clawing at his face, once again a very bestial thing. I...kind of wonder if maybe this was how Robert Montauk really died? Like, maybe he got touched by this stuff and then...clawed himself to death given all of the scratch marks? I don't know, it's food for thought. Thankfully though, Rayner had been shot dead. Ok...spoilers for later I guess, but even though I don't think he's really dead...that's some pussy shit I'm sorry. You are like...the lord of darkness and you died from three shots to the chest? Get real. After his death, the lights came on in the room, and a woman who was later found to be Natalie Ennis from Growing Dark buried a knife in Altman's throat, before being shot by his partner. ...Rest in peace you wacky roommate, I hope you're eating disgusting spinach in ultra super mega hell. And...that's where it ended. Maxwell Rayner and Natalie Ennis were declared dead, Callum Brodie was rescued but...clearly traumatized, there was no sign of the black dust or ink, and...Altman's body was found with the same milky white eyes as Rayner's. According to Basira, two other members of the church were murdered, and three others were captured, although they haven't revealed anything. And...that's where the story ends. So...let's analyze.

Earlier, I said that my biggest fear that stemmed from this episode was the idea that The Divine Host simply…ends here. That there would be no more relevance from them, and that they wouldn’t be as big of a player as I initially thought. This mostly stemmed from the fact that Rayner “died”, and the fact that Jon…literally says he thinks the story is closed. But after some reflection…yeah, there’s no way that this storyline ends here. First of all, while I’m certain that this whole event has dealt significant damage to The Divine Host, I would be seriously surprised if it actually got rid of them for the good. Given how much influence they have across England, and even other countries overall, and the fact that they’ve had…like, at least 50 members at its peak if all of Robert Montauk’s murders are anything to go off of, I sincerely doubt that four members dying and three being arrested destroyed their entire operation, even if their leader has…at the very least been heavily damaged. (Once again, I will get to why I don’t think Rayner’s actually dead soon enough.) We might not know what The Divine Host’s end goal or purpose is, but I’m sure they’ll come back…eventually, whether in person or in older statements I’m not sure, but I just can’t see this being the end of everything regarding them. Secondly, there are a bunch of unanswered questions still floating around. This was why I was looking at the wiki pages for other episodes centered on The Divine Host, I wanted to compile all of these mysteries and overview them. I’m…just going to list them off now if you don’t mind, so that you have a good idea of what I'm dealing with.

- The ultimate circumstances behind the disappearance of Robert Montauk's wife, and the reasons for him and Julia being haunted

- Almost everything regarding Maxwell Rayner's past, all we know at present is that he was a defrocked pentecostal minister, and likely German.

- Maxwell Rayner's likely connections to Joseph Rayner, the dead soldier from The Piper.

- What Natalie Ennis was referring to when she mentioned "three hundred years waiting" and "Mr. Pitch"

- The complexities of the church's connections to Ny-Ålesund and Outer Bay Shipping

- The true circumstances behind Robert Montauk's death

- Reasons for kidnapping Callum Brodie, and his likely connections to Philip Brown and Caroline Brodie.

- Their likely connection to "Those who Sing the Night"

- Their involvement in the Daedalus Space Station.

- Their likely involvement in End of the Tunnel

And so on. Now, I'm fully aware that chances are, not all of these questions are going to be answered. I mean, the first and last ones could remain eternal mysteries and I'd still be satisfied. On top of that, it's not like Police Lights doesn't give us lore, in fact, i think it might actually make possible answers for some of these questions easier to discern, but the point is that a lot of this has yet to be properly addressed by the podcast itself, and the desire for answers to these questions feel like they're being left to the listener. Ultimately though, I have good faith in Jonny and all of Rusty Quill to not leave most of these unanswered in the end. I still think that despite everything that's happened here, The Divine Host will return in some sort of way, even if it's a little bit more scattered and broken than I initially assumed. But...that's where the big question lies. If The Divine Host returns, will it be more of a...collection of scattered remnants trying desperately to hold on to the cult, or will it return in greater force? Well, while I'm not entirely opposed to the former, and I think it could be done well provided that answers are still given, and it remains plot-relevant...I am honestly leaning towards the latter. I feel like the podcast is trying to bait me into thinking that any future involvement from The Divine Host will be very small, when in actuality...it's going to be a bit more threatening. And it all comes down to the nature and fate of Maxwell Rayner. As the founder and leader of the church, he's probably vital to their survival, hence why his supposed death came as such a shock and a worry to me. But the thing is, after some reflection...I'd be genuinely surprised if he was actually dead. I mean, the withered old man was clearly shot dead, I'm not disputing that...but I don't think that old man was really "Maxwell Rayner", at least...not the one we know. Ok, I'm just going to cut to the chase, no more ominous buildup. Thanks to a Youtube Comment, as well as him reminding me of Emperor Belos from The Owl House (I mean come on, religious imagery, old man with long hair, dark goo, you get it), I think I finally understand what Rayner's deal is. I personally believe that the old man body was just a vessel. That the real "Maxwell Rayner" was probably just a regular guy at one point or another, and that some greater power, the evil cult leader that we all know and...are kind of freaked out by, has been possessing him all this time. And I think that greater power's true form is the dark goo. Rayner isn't a servant of the darkness...he IS the darkness. Not like...in an edgy way, he is just straight up one of ✨the horrors✨, using an old pentecostal minister as a meat suit. Which...really does add to the idea that ✨the horrors✨ are more concious than abstract, so...I'm back at a sort of tie in that regard. And you know, this might actually explain some of the weird timeline stuff with the church. If Rayner really is an eldritch god inside the body of an old man, then maybe he's not the first guy to suffer this fate. Maybe this darkness has like...haunted the Rayner family for years. It possessed Joseph Rayner during World War 1, and then moved over to Maxwell Rayner in the 90s (which might explain why he stopped being a pentecoastal minsiter, although there is another possibility there.) Maybe "Those Who Sing The Night" was an older iteration of The Divine Host, but still ruled by the same being, just in an older body. Maybe whatever the church is planning was attempted before, hence the whole "300 years" thing. Maybe "Mr. Pitch" is actually an alias for Rayner but is like...the true name of the darkness. You know what, I think I'll stick with calling it that until further notice, I like the name. Hell, this would explain why it's even called "The Divine Host" in the first place, because...you know, the leader is a literal host for a divine being. All in all…I think this adds up.

The idea that one of ✨the horrors✨ might’ve been staring me in the face this entire time is…quite frankly terrifying, but also kind of amazing? Like…if I’m on the money here, this would be a really cool idea and an excellent twist. I mean, we’ve already had stuff like the immortal skin book, Amherst’s constant deaths and revivals, and Agnes “perfect botox” Montague, so I don’t think body swapping for immortality is out of the question (also it reminds me even more of Emperor Belos so that’s a personal bonus.) And obviously, this provides a pretty good explanation as to why The Divine Host kidnapped Callum Brodie. Rayner was…clearly a very old guy, and if “Mr. Pitch” needs to keep swapping bodies, chances are its bodies still age normally, so it needed a new one. Either that, or it’s a need to change identity after all the crimes, but like…I mean it’s not rocket science, the darkness was literally climbing into the kid’s mouth, it seems like a pretty clear attempt at possession. I kind of get the sense that maybe Mr. Pitch could have a preference for younger hosts since they obviously last longer (which …kind of makes me wonder if Robert Montauk was driving it back in an attempt to protect Julia from being possessed), although that could interfere with the idea of Maxwell’s possession being his reason for becoming defrocked, and I already threw out the idea that Callum was chosen due to his father’s previous experiences. Either way, I definitely think Mr. Pitch intended on moving over from Rayner to Callum. But that just leaves one more question. …what now? I’m clearly suggesting that even if Maxwell Rayner is dead, the darkness possessing him isn’t, so…where is it now? Well, Basira says there’s no sign of it, so it’s possible that it just kind of…fucked off to who knows where and is possessing someone else as we speak. Alternatively though…it clearly marked Leo Altman, given how he had the same milky blind eyes as Rayner, so…maybe it’s possessed him, and he’s become the new “divine host”? But like, that raises questions as to why Natalie Ennis stabbed him. Maybe she just didn’t see him being possessed, maybe the screaming and scratching signifies he’s unworthy and Mr. Pitch really has gone for someone else, or maybe killing the original person is necessary if you want to use their body. I…honestly don’t know. Maybe Mr. Pitch has gone somewhere else, maybe it’s possessing Leo Altman (which is so, Basira will probably face a VERY interesting reunion sooner rather than later)…I’m really not sure. But at the end of the day…I think it’s very unlikely that this ends here. Maxwell Rayner might be dead, but Mr. Pitch certainly isn’t. There is likely one of ✨the horrors✨ running amok somewhere, planning to get ahold of a new divine host…and that is a very unnerving thought. I REALLY hope this doesn’t turn into another Not!Sasha situation, we’re fucked enough in that regard as is. And even if this black goo really is gone for good…there is no way The Divine Host is fully done for. There’s just too many mysteries. …No matter how much they hide behind darkness, I have faith that light will shine upon them, and we will get answers. …why did I say it like that I’m not trying to write poetry here.

So that's about it on Police Lights. Overall, I thought this was a fantastic episode. The Divine Host remains as one of the most interesting aspects of tma lore to me, so to have more light shed on them (wordplay very much intended) was an absolute thrill. I loved getting more stuff from Basira, the whole atmosphere was really creepy, and it came with some REALLY interesting implications regarding the lore of Maxwell Rayner, The Divine Host as a whole, and the member of ✨the horrors✨ I'm now calling Mr. Pitch. While it did give me some slight worry for the future of the storyline, I think I ultimately came out of it more excited for the future than anything else, and I don't doubt that there'll be more stories and information later on, or that Jonny will be able to pull off something special regardless. But with that aside, we have everything that comes after the statement, which gives us some pretty damn relevant information. So, as mentioned earlier...Basira is pretty damn shook after everything that went down. And she's decided that enough is enough...and that she's quitting the force. Now, despite the fact that I would've done so the second my colleague drowned himself in boiling water if I was her...I ultimately think this was the right decision on her part. Not only because...I mean, it's probably better to not be a cop than to be a cop, but also because I hope it'll give her some safety and solace going forward. I mean...I feel like it's been shown that once you get involved it's hard to get out (I mean, look at the symbolism in Anglerfish), but...hey, at least her job isn't literally unquittable! At least...I think...oh god please don't let that be the case. But yeah, I'm glad that she's at least trying, and even if I can't personally relate...I think it was pretty cool of her to just say "NO" when Jon offered to tell her more about The Divine Host. But unfortunately...her resignation from the force leads to a couple of problems. Firstly, one of the main people investigating Gertrude's murder is just...not doing that anymore, although granted it's...not really like we've learned all that much about the police investigation to begin with, even if I think that's partially due to Jon hogging evidence. Secondly...I mean, Basira trying to get away from it all feels kind of like a death flag...please don't let that be the case. But worst of all is the fact that Jon no longer has easy access to Gertrude's tapes...NOOOOOOO!!!! THAT WAS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I WANTED HIM AND BASIRA TO RECONCILE NOOOOOO!!! I mean, I guess there's technically Daisy, but as far as I know she only gave him that tape per Basira's request, and seems to personally hate Jon's guts, so...I don't know where we go from here. For once...I would actually be ok if Jon broke an entering for the sake of knowledge. Well anyways, I wish Basira the best regardless. There are...a couple of other noteworthy things though.

Firstly, Jon mentions that he feels like to leave the institute would to be giving up what little protection he has...which is honestly a horrific thought. Like, he's been eaten by worms and stabbed by Mr. Cryptic, and THAT'S the best case scenario?! ...damn. But secondly, there's something very interesting he brings up. He mentions how strange it is that the police were able to locate Rayner and Callum, given how the former had been hiding pretty effectively for the past two decades, how Basira didn't have any insight, and how the church didn't seem to expect visitors. This makes Jon think that someone on the outside must have tipped the police off, so the question is...who? Well, I've held true for a while that The Divine Host is probably against the eye thing due to their insignia, and The Magnus Institute is obviously connected to that, so...I feel like the person who tipped them off is nearby. And given his power and pre-established connections with the police, as well as the general sketchy vibes...I'm inclined to suspect Elias the most. He might not be doing anything wrong here...but it's strange to think that he of all people would get this involved, given his general attitude. I might be wrong, but..it's the best guess I have for now. ...I'm very conflicted about him either way. Ok, my wrists are in searing pain from typing now, and I should probably go buy a new lamp after this one, goodbye! :)

Supplemental: The People’s Church of the Divine Host:

Oh, I thought I should also mention that in retrospect, the idea of there being a Rayner family curse or something might not work if Mr. Pitch wished to possess Callum. I think it’s still possible that Callum was exceptional or some sort of desperate measure, or maybe Maxwell just didn’t have any relatives around to possess so they had to switch to a new family, but like…while I still think that Joseph Rayner was a previous divine host, maybe these are just random, unaffiliated people, and Mr. Pitch is simply making up new names for them after possession. Just thought that was worth throwing out there.

- Episode 74, Fatigue 💤

Statement of Lydia Halligan, regarding her insomnia.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HE’S BACK!!! HE’S DEFINITELY, ACTUALLY SO FUCKING BACK!!! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE HOLY SHIT!!! AFTER 28 EPISODES HE FINALLY RETURNS I MISSED HIM SO MUCH!!! I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT IT’S NOT IN PERSON I’M SO HAPPY!!! MICHEAAAAAAAALLL!!! Ok…I think I’m…I’m done now. So, aside from the return of my beloved…something, what was this episode actually like? Well uh…holy shit. This was…an absolutely haunting episode through and through. It didn’t tell its story in a traditional sense, instead deciding to reflect numerous vague anecdotes that took place when the statement giver was in an extremely poor mental state, and it reflected said mental state perfectly. And it was genuinely terrifying. It played with unreality and insanity in a genius, yet almost disgusting manner that shook me to my core, and I feel confident in saying that it’s one of the most unique experiences in tma so far. And…if any of that sounds familiar to you, it’s because yes, this episode reminded me a LOT of Hive, which is obviously a good thing. So yeah…I absolutely loved this episode. It might not be like, a Top 10 episode for me, but it’s going to stick with me. I thought it was extremely creative and it scared me absolutely shitless, which is the best thing it possibly could do. But…I’m really only telling you all of this now because…I have no idea how I’m going to properly summarize this one. I’ve slightly messed around with the way I format things for episodes like First Edition, but…I don’t even think THAT will make things easier than that. Hive was abstract sure, but…not to this degree. At least with Hive, I had enough prior knowledge about The Flesh Hive and Jane as a character to get what was going on, but…I can’t say the same for Fatigue. Now, that is FAR from a bad thing, I mean, if an episode contains Micheal of all characters, then making it intentionally confusing and maddening is a genius move, and I think it makes the episode an overall better experience. But…that’s the thing. The episode works best when you experience it, but it’s just vague enough to make summarizing and speculating about it…honestly kind of a nightmare. Like…it’s in this place where I REALLY feel like there’s some important information I can glean from this one, but it’s just so goddamn weird that gaining that information feels possible. That doesn’t really take away from how much I like the episode…but it does mean that this part of the post might unfortunately be a little bit brief. (I mean, whenever I say that it comes out longer than I expected, but I’m letting you know just in case.) I…REALLY wish that I could gush more about this episode, that I could examine everything that makes it so good and come up with some wild theories based on what it gives us, because I honestly think that’s possible! I strongly doubt that this episode isn’t hiding some big secrets right under my nose…but I don’t doubt that I’m not smart enough to find it. I’ll still try my best to formulate my thoughts and glean what information I can, but…I think it’s best if you expect this to be an episode that I…put in the bank for the time being. Hopefully there’ll be a moment later on in the series where I realize…what its deal is, and why and how it’s significant, but for now…I don’t think I have the information or brainpower to do so. Also, ironically enough, I was very sleepy when listening to this episode, so…yeah, maybe my perception is a little skewed. Just know going in that I love this episode a lot, and that I’m not going to entirely write it off as a one-off horror story simply because I can’t glean much from it right now. Well…with all of the preamble out of the way, let’s…try to get into it, I guess. …I can at the very least guarantee that there’ll be at least one instance of me mentioning how much I love Micheal.

So, this statement comes from Lydia Halligan, who is a woman with chronic insomnia. Now, I’d argue that while understanding the deeper complexities, relevance, meaning and reasoning behind her insomnia is difficult, I think the basic crux of…what’s going on with her is pretty easy to understand. For some reason, presumably a paranormal one, she is nearly incapable of sleeping, which has caused her “dreams” to seemingly…blur into reality? If it even is reality? It’s…just vague enough to be up to interpretation. I think the easiest assumption to go in with is that the hallucinations she’s experiencing…aren’t actually real, the only thing that is real is whatever’s causing her insomnia, because it’s just…a bit too extreme to come off as even a worse than usual real-world case of it. However, I don’t think her hallucinations are entirely irrelevant…or just regular tricks of the human psyche, so…I’m still going to keep them in mind just in case. Either way, I’m pretty sure I understand what’s going on with this episode…structure-wise. It’s constantly flip-flopping between paragraphs that have no discernible place in time, either describing one of Lydia’s hallucinations, or something regarding her relationship with sleep, or the lack thereof. The episode opens up with Lydia…basically being as confused, probably more than I am. She’s said that due to both her lack of sleep and her futile attempts to gain it, her waking has been disjointed and her dreams have been vivid, and now they are starting to blur together in reality. So…basically her brain is having trouble distinguishing fact and fiction. I’ve got to say that I’m honestly kind of surprised there were…no follow-up notes regarding any potential sightings of Lydia. Like, it seems like a missed opportunity to maybe…I don’t know, have someone see her wandering around doing weird stuff while hallucinating, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t leaving the house all that much. She then describes what is…presumably her first hallucination. She’s hot and sweaty while lying in her bed, doing nothing but staring at a ceiling fan. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact that she mentions her flat not having a ceiling fan when she first moves in, I’d just assume this was a common insomnia symptom, and I feel like that was intentional, because the part where she reveals the initial lack of a fan at the end of the anecdote…that really got to me. Also, despite being arguably the most mundane hallucination, I think this one was one of the scariest to me! It just evokes…a very specific feeling, like, the feeling of waking up in a cold sweat at 3 AM in a quiet dark bedroom, and you want to get up, move around, maybe get some water, but you just don’t have the energy, and your parents are sleeping downstairs in a house with creaky-ass floorboards so you don’t want to disturb them, so you’re just left lying there in your own bodily fluids and don’t get any sleep? You get what I mean? …No? Ok. Anyways, Lydia then goes on to mention how she would always stay up reading as a child, but looks back on those memories as the first sign of early insomnia. The way that this episode makes you doubt its…actual involvement with the paranormal is something I’ll talk about in more detail later, but I’d just like to say that I REALLY liked how this part tries to trick you. It makes you think that maybe Lydia just has a really bad insomnia problem…before it later becomes clearer that’s not the case at all. And then we get to the billboard. Jesus Christ, this billboard is going to haunt my nightmares. It was MADE to be memorable. It’ll obviously show up more later, but for now, it’s…decently normal. It’s slightly rusty, but it shows a coffee advertisement with a smiling woman and rising steam, with the quote “sleep is overrated!” on it. Lydia…does feel like she’s being watched by the woman, but for now it’s just a creepy set piece. Although…I won’t ignore the dissimilarities between that feeling and everything involving the eye monster.

Well, after that vision, Lydia talks about her job as a freelance writer. She goes over how it’s…an admittedly shitty place to be in, but that she always thought it fit her schedule and gave her flexibility. Now though, she sees that it has robbed her of relating to the rest of the world and how it organizes itself, and that…her perception of time is tainted. Once again, the thing that makes this episode so terrifying to me is how…evocative it is. Even if it’s overblown beyond reasonable proportions…I feel like I REALLY get what Lydia’s feeling, the amount of research into the tricks of the human mind that must have been done to make this episode is a crazy thought to me.

And then…we get to the return of the best character(?) ever made. IT’S MICHEAL!!! IT’S HIM!!! HE’S HEEEERRRREEEEE- ok I’ve already done the screaming bit. Anyways, I am of course VERY happy that he’s finally made a substantial return. I will admit that I would’ve really liked another in-person appearance, since I absolutely love how Luke Booys portrays him, but I really cannot complain that much. And I mean, his presence here just further confirms his relevance to me, so I’m getting a lot more certain that he’ll make another major appearance sooner rather than later. Anyways, his presence here is definitely the most intriguing part of the episode to me, and I do actually have a decent bit to say about it, but I’ll just quickly go over his first appearance in Lydia’s hallucinations. Basically, at one point or another, he started showing up in Lydia’s living room, asking how Lydia’s days has been and saying that “names are overrated” whenever she asks for said name (slay king). When Lydia responds by saying she doesn’t know what he means by “day”, he laughs his distorted laugh, and Lydia’s nose starts to bleed. She says that she’s been drawing intricate patterns with…something that isn’t her pen, which is unnerving. Given Micheal’s clear connection to fractals and spirals, I have to assume these are the “patterns” Lydia was referring to. So…yeah, it’s another instance of Micheal being peak chaotic neutral, that’s for certain. Now, Jon questions whether or not Micheal is the direct cause of Lydia’s hallucinations, or simply observing her, but I’m inclined to go with the former. I mean, there’s decent evidence that Lydia had some level of insomnia before this, which I’ll get into, but I think Micheal drove her to…this extreme. This is because, while it’s certainly pretty different from what he did with the door, it..kind of serves a similar purpose. Think about it for a a second. Outside of killing her, his main goal in The New Door was seemingly to just…fuck with Helen Richardson’s mind. It started with the door, where the mere sight of it made Helen question her sanity, and that only continued as she walked through the backrooms, constantly questioning the geography of the place and…how real it all was. And now with Lydia…well, we have a very similar situation, where someone is being driven to question what is real and what isn’t. Micheal ultimately goes at his own rhythm, but if there’s one thing he…at the very least LIKES doing, it’s messing with people’s heads, so him being the root cause of Lydia’s troubles makes a fair bit of sense to me. Even then, I find the idea of him being the cause pretty interesting. Once again, I have more to say later, but…it kind of suggests that he isn’t fully limited to the whole…doors and hallways thing. I mean…at least I think so? There are some minor signs of it later…and Micheal did kind of suggest that he is synonymous with his backrooms on a biological(?) level, so like…I guess they’re here by default. I could argue that Lydia was maybe stuck in the backrooms the entire time, and all of this was just late stage effects of being there, which does kind of fit with the sleep deprivation that Helen felt, but I do kind of doubt that if only for the fact that Lydia’s body was found. But…it’s also kind of implied that Ivo Lensik’s dad was taken by Micheal, and his body was found so…I really don’t know. Do you see why this episode confuses me? There’s clearly a lot of routes to take, and I yet cannot go down any of them. Well, all in all, I’m very excited by Micheal’s return, and I definitely think he’s the main cause of Lydia’s hallucinations. I’ll touch on him a bit more later on, but for now…moving on!

Next, we get more insight into Lydia’s relationship with sleep. She explains that as an academic, she’s often tried to push herself to her limit, counting how many hours she could stay awake and trying to beat her record. She eventually stopped counting, but…never really stopped the “experiments”. …look, I feel really bad for her, but if you want to avoid insomnia and/or door demons, then this is like…the last thing you should be doing, I’m sorry. Something…pretty interesting to me though, is what Lydia says at the end of the anecdote. She mentions how, in comparison to her friends who lacked the capacity to stay up more than 40 hours, she always felt like the longer she stayed awake, the more she…peered into things beyond human comprehension. This is…EXTREMELY cosmic horror-like, and I do actually have a small, yet pretty enticing theory regarding this part, and…really all of the other parts that kind of suggest that maybe, just maybe, the hallucinations are real, and everything else is fake. Uh…ok, wait, I might actually be getting a bit ahead of myself there, let’s just move onto the next dream. So, Lydia recalls a dream where she’s sitting in a café, trying to imagine it as the painting “Nighthawks at the Diner” (omg Hatchetfield reference) despite the grim atmosphere. She drinks her subpar cup of coffee…and spits out a singular, child’s milk tooth that was inside the mug. The waitress named “Vanessa” ignores the tooth, and simply keeps on bringing more coffee. I’m…sure there’s some deep symbolism going on here that I’m just not smart enough to pinpoint at the moment, especially with the coffee billboard, and how Michael’s first appearance was in a coffee shop in mind. I’ll…keep all of this on the radar, but I really don’t have much more to say about it at the moment, other than that I find it really creepy and surreal. Anyways, Lydia goes on to talk about how her lack of sleep has affected her vision. She says the pressure on her eyes makes it go strange, how she sees strange pulsing movements on inanimate surfaces, how her brain is too tired to process the signals the eyes are sending. All of this has even more Micheal and eye-horror vibes, but..Lydia actually says some really interesting stuff here. She mentions a time when she wrote a short story, one that revolves around ghostly creatures that could only be seen by those who had deprived themselves of rest to the point where the mind…opened itself. This, combined with how she talks about our brains just filling in the gaps with lies so that we can make sense of what’s going on…it all makes me think that something ESPECIALLY weird is going on with Lydia, which once again, I will talk about later. It ties into the whole…“the hallucinations are real” thing I mentioned earlier, but uh…I’ll get into it when the time comes. For now, on to the next vision. This one brings back the billboard, except…now it’s much more different. The swirls of the steam are oddly unaffected, but the woman has had her eyes morphed into a glare, and her smile warped into a sneer. It’s soaked and peeling, the rust is much more apparent, and the message now reads…“sleep is for the weak.” …oh dear. Well…I’ll obviously come back to that, but for now, there’s another sleep anecdote. So, Lydia talks more about her relationship with sleep, and how you got through phases of extreme physical fatigue and bursts of manic energy, which she considers to be out of a subconscious desperation. She also described insomnia here as….“like your whole self is trying to push you into bed, but it is covered by a solid granite block.” I felt like this part of the episode is where things became…evidently really paranormal, like, it became clear that this wasn’t just regular insomnia, she literally lacked the ability to sleep…on a fundamental level. And…that kind of ties into the next hallucination.

Micheal returns in this one, except this time, he and Lydia are sitting on a bench in the park. He’s twisting blades of grass into spirals but keeps cutting through them with his knife hands (I still think about how he stabbed Jon for no apparent reason every day), and he says that Lydia looks terrible. Lydia mentions that his body is shifting and undulating when she tries to focus on him, which could be a symptom of the insomnia, but…given what little we know about how Micheal functions, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was actually happening. Anyways, when Lydia tells him she hasn’t slept, Micheal says that’s ok, but she gets the sense that he’s lying. Now, Lydia suspects that this vision displays when she and Micheal first met, and…I’d have to agree. I briefly mentioned earlier that I don’t necessarily think Micheal is like…the full cause of Lydia’s insomnia, he’s just boosted it. I think he saw her in the park when she was just a regular insomniac, and when he did, he decided to make it much worse for her, and this “hallucination” is just a memory of that meeting. And if that’s the case…I just need to point out how weird of him that is. In The New Door, he played the whole “I only kill those who enter my domain” thing (even if he did lure Helen in himself), but unless Lydia did actually enter the backrooms…he’s just acting like “teehee! no sleep for you :3”…because he can. And that…would honestly be very fitting for him. It’s entirely possible that he showed up at another time, and this really is just another common hallucination, but I like this idea the most. Moving forward, Lydia gives another monologue about how her insomnia affects her and..I really don’t have much to say about it. It basically boils down to her just talking about how insomnia affects your physical health, and how she’s lost her sense of time. If I’m being entirely honest…I think the paragraphs that aren’t focused on Lydia’s hallucinations are probably the weakest part of the episode. A good few of them have some VERY interesting information, and the script remains top notch all throughout…but I did feel like they kind of dragged a little bit towards the end. Thankfully, the next hallucination is pretty interesting. In this one, Lydia is running through a city, and she describes the alleyways as “narrow and winding” and mentions that they don’t turn in all the directions that they should. Combined with how she hears Micheal’s laugh around this time, I think this one DEFINITELY had something to do with his backrooms, the similarities are uncanny. Like I said, I don’t think it’s too likely that Lydia was secretly inside there the entire time, but I feel like this vision suggests there was…some sort of encounter with it at one point or another. It’s just…UGH! I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT POINT IT IS OR IF IT REALLY HAPPENED BECAUSE IT’S TOO VAGUE!! But it isn’t confusing in a First Edition way it’s just…I feel like I have no idea what’s even happening with this one. Ok well…that aside, we’re almost done with the summary.

Lydia gives two final anecdotes. The first one is pretty simple. She admits that she cannot show the institute any tangible evidence of her experiences, and that she truthfully doesn’t know why she’s here, outside of the fact that she’s desperate to sleep again. This doesn’t really give much relevant information in my opinion, but I do think it’s a really good example of character writing. I always love it when statement givers don’t really have evidence, but their desperation, the way that their words are framed…it tells you everything you need to know, and I think Lydia is one of the prime examples of that, I really did get a great sense of how much pain she was in. And finally…we return to the billboard. It’s even rustier, the woman looks even more foul, there’s twisted shapes on whatever poster is behind her, and the message now reads…“sleep no more.” And yet, for some reason, the steam coming from the coffee is the exact same. And then, in what might be one of my favorite subversions of expectations so far, it’s revealed that the title of the episode wasn’t referring to Lydia’s mental state…but the fatigue in the billboard, as the rusted metal falls apart, and Lydia collapses alongside it. And…she dies of a most likely Micheal-induced heart attack a month after giving her statement. …damn.

So uh…yeah, that was Fatigue! Sorry if parts of my summary were a little brusque or incoherent. Overall I absolutely loved this episode, I think it’s really well written and masterfully creepy, it plays with unreality in some super phenomenal ways, and best of all, it has Micheal…but MAN does it confuse me. I’m certain there are so many details and bits of symbolism that are completely lost on me at the moment, and really…only time will tell if they end up mattering or not. I mean, this episode definitely matters to an extent…but I feel like that extent might go beyond the surface level. Also, I am ironically still very tired as I’m writing this, so that doesn’t help! Well…I hope that you were able to get some grasp of what I was saying, at the very least. It’s just…as good as it is…this is not an easy one to recap. But, I still really enjoyed it, and I’m excited to see where all of the stuff with Micheal will go. However…disregarding all of that for a minute, I did allude earlier that I was actually able to construct…what I think is a decent theory out of this episode. It’s not an especially big one, and I don’t think I’m quite done fleshing it out yet, but it does build upon some previous ideas of mine…and I kind of want to just…put it out there. So, I mentioned that this episode reminded me a lot of Hive, and while that is heavily due to the poetic and abstract writing, it also stemmed from…the hyper-awareness of the protagonist. What I mean by that is, Jane had this special connection with The Flesh Hive, and because of that, she seemingly had a greater understanding of how it, and likely all of ✨the horrors✨ function. Lydia doesn’t quite have that, since she’s more of a victim of ✨the horrors✨ than a servant…but she has something similar going on. I pointed out a couple of times how I find the parts of the statement where Lydia mentions her…awareness, very interesting. Like, the part where she says that when deprived of sleep, she felt like her eyes had been truly opened, and how the lies her brain tells her to fill in the gaps are now gone, seemingly…allowing her to see an ugly truth. And if we assume that story she wrote is meant to parallel her predicament…she probably witnessed something greater than herself. …I’d like to take you back to Thought for the Day for a second. I’m sure you all remember how I proposed the idea that all of ✨the horrors✨were fear incarnate, which I still think I stick by, but this episode doesn’t really add much to that idea, outside of making me even more sure that Micheal represents the fear of your mind being messed with. However, I did also suggest in Thought for the Day that maybe, JUST maybe, the episode was basically a smaller scale version of tma’s entire plot, and that the world of tma is just one big experiment into fear, likely something akin to a simulation.

So…given how Lydia kind of talks like she’s stared into the face of a great old one…I’m wondering if maybe she saw the truth of the world. Her hallucinations…weren’t actually hallucinations, they were more real than the world that her, and everyone else, thinks is real. Now, if my simulation theory is correct, then this doesn’t say much about the world outside or what the simulation’s purpose and history might be…but it does suggest that maybe, despite how much horrific shit already happens in this world, it becomes even worse when the cracks start to form in the foundation. Other evidence for this might be found in how similar the episode is to Personal Space. Not only did that episode also terrify me, but I strongly speculate that the Daedalus Space Station is actually a simulation (perhaps within a simulation), and not only did Carter Chilcott see many things that may or may not be real, but he ended up getting out of his isolation by depriving himself of a basic human need, except that time it was food instead of sleep, but I could still absolutely see these episodes being parallels to one another. And this is all without considering how MICHEAL factors into this. If he really is the cause of Lydia’s “hallucinations”, and my theory here is correct…then that means he has the ability to show people the truth of the world they live in which is…just a lot to think about honestly. Like, does that mean that Micheal is…some sort of virus? Does that insinuate that he isn’t one of ✨the horrors✨ that might’ve been made to experiment with human fear, and is instead something else entirely? Because that would really work well with the whole “door and hallway that shouldn’t exist” thing, especially if he is just a fraction of larger being that’s further encompassed by his backrooms! Or is he still one of ✨the horrors✨ but like…gone rogue or something? I’m just…I have no idea. Either way, if he does really have this ability, he could be VITAL for understanding some of the greater mysteries. Micheal is obviously very cryptic, and more often than not is extremely dangerous…but that doesn’t mean he can’t be put to good use. He doesn’t seem to be cryptic out of some sort of…lack of knowledge, and if it benefits him, he can actually be helpful towards others, i.e. when he taught Sasha how to deal with The Flesh Hive. If he’s given a good reason to later on…he could reveal some terrifying yet vital information to Jon and the rest of the institute. Oh, and I also mentioned a couple of times that parts of the episode really reminded me of all the stuff surrounding the eyes, and I mean…there does seem to be a “knowledge” theme going on there, so…yeah, it’s possible that thing also factors into this, although I’m not really sure how…yet, at least. Overall, I do think I need more time to flesh this theory out, and a lot of that comes down to how I feel like I’m still missing a lot from this episode…but I might be on to something here. Either that or I’m way off, I’ll just have to wait and see I guess. Well…that about wraps it up on this mindfuck of an episode. …I’m going to lie down now…

…EXCEPT NOT!!! Because of course, we have a supplemental. …I don’t know why I acted like I wasn’t going to talk about this, what the hell is wrong with me? Can you tell that my mental state is declining as I descend down this rabbit hole? I’m so much like Jonathan Sims omg!!!!!!!1111111 Speaking of the silly little guy, while there’s like…nothing really noteworthy post-statement, I did just want to give a round of applause for Jon for fully believing the statement. Obviously he’s been doing that for all of Season 2 at this point, but when HE’S initially more sure of the statement’s legitimacy than I am….yeah, I feel like that deserves special attention. But more importantly, the supplemental…there’s actually some really interesting information here. Due to Basira having her own concerns, Jon’s just decided to deal with the tunnels on his own, which is…maybe not the best decision but…whatever. He’s decided to set up a camera in the archives right above the trap door, to see if he can get any information on the person inside. He notes that it’s remarkably poor quality, and that seemingly diverts suspicion from Elias having difficulties setting up CCTV in the archives…although it does make me wonder why it doesn’t work in the archives in the first place. Regardless, Jon’s seen a couple of people entering and exiting the tunnels, although they’re hard to distinguish. The first is Not!Sasha, who Jon’s seen enter and leave on two separate occasions. That’s certainly concerning and all, but…it’s kind of hard to gauge what she wants when we don’t really know what’s in the tunnels, outside of some burnt books and a mystery man. And…mentioning that, we FINALLY have a vague idea of who’s actually down there! We…don’t actually have their identity, but they’re a male presenting figure around middle-age, and spend about half an hour going through the archives, before stuffing files into a briefcase and leaving. On top of that…they don’t open the trap door normally, instead they…somehow move the solid floor itself out of the way, which is not too dissimilar to what happened to Jon in Too Deep. This person…could be a lot of people. I guess I could go through every middle aged man who may or may not have supernatural abilities in the show so far, but…that would take forever if I’m being honest. I did throw out Elias and Micheal as potential suspects, but Micheal seems to have his own separate thing going on, and if Jon recognized “Sasha”, I would think he’d recognize Elias as well. Ultimately though…I’m not actually too concerned about figuring it out before the reveal. This is because I have very little doubt that this person’s identity will be revealed by the time Season 2 ends, given how much focus has been planted on them recently. And I mean, I only have six episodes left in the season, which is…still absolutely crazy to me, so I’ll just let this one reveal itself, and if by the chance that I don’t learn their identity by the end of the season, I’ll start taking it more seriously when I get into Season 3. For now though…this is definitely progress. Ok, now I’m ACTUALLY going to go to sleep, I think I should make sure that’s something I’m still capable of. Honk shoo mimimimimimi or whatever.

Supplemental: I…I genuinely can’t stop thinking about Police Lights. Like…it just feels like more and more of a milestone the more I think about it, you know? So much of tma so far has been more lore than a moving plot, which isn’t a problem at all, but that just makes an episode that pushes the ongoing, real-time plot forward…THAT much even more special. I’m really excited by it. Oh, I also thought I should maybe give an update on the whole John/Jeffery Amherst situation from my thoughts on The Tale of a Field Hospital. Basically, I ended up learning that any potential harm that could’ve been caused was entirely unintentional on Jonny’s part, and in retrospect…I think some of my nitpicks might have just come from a misinterpretation of John Amherst’s dialogue and motivations. Just wanted to let people know it’s all cleared up now, and that pretty much all of my issues regarding the topic’s involvement in the episode are non-existent now. I’ll still probably keep that part up for history’s sake, but uh…yeah. Just letting people know.

- Episode 75, A Long Way Down🪜

Statement of Stephen Walker, regarding his brother’s disappearance from the top of Tour Montparnasse in October 2006.

You’ve heard of Enjoy Sky Blue, you’ve borne witness to Enjoy Ocean Blue, now gaze upon the one, the only…ENJOY FRANCE BLUE!!! Which to be fair, is arguably the scariest scenario of them all. Anyways, this was another great episode! Like most episodes that seem to deal with The Vast, this one did a great job at triggering my own vertigo, even if it’s not the scariest example so far, it still did a great job! It had a pretty interesting main duo, brought back some plot points that I’m VERY excited to see make a return, contained some really vivid and freaky imagery, and also had a lot of really interesting things that came after the statement itself, all of which got me really intrigued and excited for the future. I…don’t really have much more to say, since this one was actually pretty standard affair so uh…yeah! Time for another Mike Crew episode! …I find it kind of funny how the two most prominent Micheal’s have a track record of episodes appearing back to back, first 46 and 47, and now 74 and 75. But like, I’m sure that doesn’t mean anything, right? …right? Yeah…I regret to inform you that by a twisted rule of fate…that theory hasn’t entirely died yet…oh dear.

So, starting off we have a…rather grim opening. This statement comes from Stephen Walker, a man who’s recently lost his brother…at least he hopes, because apparently he’d be much better off dead which is…yikes. Now, while I certainly sympathize with Stephen to an extent, let me just say…this guy kind of sucks. Not like, in terms of writing, I’ve said many times before that I like the statement givers who aren’t great people, but like…yeah, he’s just not all that good of a guy! I’ll go into why I think this throughout the post, but…for now, let’s just say that Lost Johns’ Cave has made me significantly more intolerant and terrified of toxic siblings in tma. …One is not the same after Lost Johns’ Cave… Well, regardless, I still feel kind of bad for the guy, since he DID lose his brother. And I mean…at least the death doesn’t seem…planned like that of Alena Sanderson…sorry, I can’t get too wrapped up in thinking about that one, or else I’m going to have nightmares. Anyways, after saying “deep down I know that’s not my brother”, therefore making me thing that his brother had an encounter with a particular table for a hot second, Stephen starts to tell us his story. Ever since childhood, his brother Grant possessed a fear of heights…so you know he’s well suited to be in this podcast. He always tried his best to climb trees, full of bravery and lacking in survival instincts, but would always get terrified as soon as he was halfway up. He was usually fine with lifts and tall buildings, had some trouble with stairs and windows where you could see the surface getting further away, but…he had a particularly bad fear of ladders. Which honestly, I completely get. Ladders are one of the most terrifying inventions ever conceived, like…was it that hard to make stairs that you can just fold and unfold? I mean…yeah probably, but like…WHY DO THE RUNGS HAVE TO BE SO SMALL I HATE IT SO MUCH. Well anyways, the phobia didn’t affect Stephen and Grant’s life that much prior to his death, but they still had their fair share of problems. Grant had been fired from his job at Deloitte a couple of years prior to the events of the statement, and since Stephen had a spare room after a break-up, and Grant had no money…well, you can imagine that the latter started crashing on the former’s couch. This is…kind of where the first signs of a not-so-great sibling relationship become apparent. I mean, what Stephen says here isn’t unreasonable, it’s ok to be annoyed if you’re roommate (who you didn’t really ask for at that) isn’t contributing much, and I can get behind the “better when we’re apart” idea…but it’s still just bad vibes. Partly due to, once again, what Lost Johns’ Cave has done to my brain chemistry, but like…I don’t know, calling your brother who is either dead or being tortured for all eternity an “indentation on the sofa”…it’s just not the best look. But yeah, Grant was struggling to find a job that could make use of his specific skill set for quite a while, and Stephen wasn’t exactly thrilled about the new living arrangement. It’s around this point though, that Stephen mentions he…couldn’t have known what would happen to Grant, despite his feelings towards him. Apparently, Grant’s disappearance was due to…a man with a lightning scar who Stephen vows to kill…and that’s where I start to get very excited. (Also like…you’re going to KILL him?! Like, I can respect the determination but…you, you of all people, plan to kill Mike fucking Crew? Even if I liked Stephen I’d be telling him to get real here.)

So, things started to get kind of...weird around a year prior to Grant's disappearance, just after Halloween. Him and Stephen had been out partying the night before, but both of them either lost or didn't have their keys, leading to a messy argument on their front lawn. But after a few minutes, Stephen notices that Grant has left his window slightly ajar, and takes that as an opportunity. Although, he says he would usually take that as an opportunity to remind Grant about the possibility of burgulars, which like...shut the fuck up! The chances of that happening are so slim, like...GOD, they did a great job making this guy as unlikable as possible. He...REALLY reminds me of some people I've had to deal with, the kinds of people who will literally find any opportunity to make it seem like you messed up, even if doing so doesn't benefit anyone at all. Thank god his girlfriend broke up with him, I hope she's living her best life. Ok well, him being shitty aside, he decides to go to their…honestly just as shitty neighbor, and asks for a ladder since he’s a builder. Obviously, Stephen is the one who goes up the ladder first, but as soon as he reaches the window, he “coincidentally” falls off, careening to the ground with a broken arm and a broken phone, so they can’t easily call an ambulance. After knocking on nearby doors to see if anyone was available, and getting no responses…it ultimately became clear that Grant would have to go in himself. …I just find it absolutely heartbreaking, but also kind of hilarious that all of this, and I mean…ALL of this, including what’s to come, could’ve been avoided if one of them had keys available. That is…deeply upsetting, but so damn comical. But uh…yeah, Grant climbs up in a…genuinely uncomfortable scene with how well it’s described, but as he does…Stephen notices a man on the other side of the street. He looked short and young, yet with an old grey suit and undone short buttons…revealing a lightning scar climbing up the side of his neck. So yep! Mike Crew is back in action! You know, for as much as I greatly anticipated any sort of return from….the other Micheal, I really never talked about how much I wanted this guy to come back. I mean, I do like Micheal quite a bit more, partially due to the fact that I’ve actually heard his voice, but I really wish I talked about this guy more, since I’ve found him super interesting ever since his proper debut in Literary Heights (which is still a top tier episode by the way). So yeah, it’s great to have him back! On one hand, I’m glad that he didn’t get stuck in Ex Altiora and burned to death by Gerard (who also hasn’t shown up in a long-ass time now that I think about it…bring the goth guy back please…), but on the other hand, I am terrified to know that he is no longer a poor tortured university student…and is basically young brooding Simon Fairchild instead. …We’ll get to that. Oh yeah…I also guess I should address what this means for my “every Micheal is the same guy” crack theory…I’ll also get to that later. Just know for now that as unlikely as it is to come true…I refuse to stop committing to the bit until I’m absolutely forced to. Well, going back to the plot, Stephen notices that Mike’s eyes are fixated on Grant, and that whenever he looks back at Mike (uh, Stephen, not Grant, I hate scenes with three people that share the same pronouns in it istg), he feels as if he’s fallen from a great height, but it fades every time he looks back at Grant. Well, Grant thankfully makes his way inside (what the hell dude your brother with horrible acrophobia made it in while you didn’t what is up with that), and Mike runs away. I…definitely think it’s safe to say that Mike was the reason Stephen fell and broke his arm, and probably intended to do the same to Grant if he hadn’t gotten inside first. Which…might’ve honestly been a better fate than what actually happened to him. Well anyways, Grant comes out the front door with his phone in hand, and calls an ambulance. And after some time passes, we get to late 2006…and that’s when things all went wrong.

Over time, things started to get better. Grant was lucky enough to get a job in a different department at Deloitte, started offering to cover the rent for a few months, and…all of that was enough to get Stephen to begrudgingly let him stay with him. (but not without complaining about him yet again GOD DAMNIT HE LITERALLY JUST DIED…or worse) But in the late Summer of 2006, Stephen starts planning for a trip to Paris, which Grant…comes on without asking. Ok…I’ll give you that one Stephen, that is actually pretty annoying, and…somewhat relevant to his fate. It didn’t help that Grant had recently got fired again, never allowed to join Deloitte again. Although…he did get fired for smoking weed, so…maybe he could’ve had better luck with The Magnus Institute, I think the CEO would’ve really liked him! Although…it’s probably for the best that he didn’t join a place that’s constantly haunted by worms, changelings, door man things and/or an eldritch god, which you’re also incapable of leaving for whatever reason. …Writing all of that down makes me realize how fucking weird this podcast is. Well, getting back to the plot, Stephen begrudgingly lets Grant come, using what little sympathy he has for his brother up. Unfortunately, using that sympathy up led him to doing something extremely stupid! Yay! (I know with how frustrated I am you might assume I don’t actually like this episode, but believe me, I DO, having such an insufferable protagonist is what puts this episode in the place where I keep important memories lol.) So…for some unholy reason, when they get to Paris, Stephen decides to take Grant up to the Tour Montparnasse. You know, that ugly-ass skyscraper, the highest point in all of Paris? What the fuck dude?! Yeah, I get that sibling pranks are a thing, but not only are you a grown (barely) adult, but that is a NEW level of cruel. Your brother had chronic vertigo and acrophobia, you’ve already had a weird-ass experience involving heights due to the sexy sky man, and yet…you somehow think this is a good idea? …HOW?! That is SO PETTY. Ok…if I think about this any longer I’m just going to get mad, so what actually happens up there? Well, Grant is obviously terrified as they head up the elevator, choosing to sit down as far away from the observation terrace as he can when they reach the top. Stephen is having the time of his life though, both due to the view and Grant’s despair which he finds oh so delicious…but he gets a scare of his own. He feels that same falling sensation he felt when he first met Mike, and after slamming himself into the barrier and landing on his hands and knees…he sees him again. Stephen’s breath is caught in his chest, and he notes that Mike…looks oddly bored? On one hand, the fact that a guy who does…what he’s about to do is so neutral to his actions is both terrifying and badass, but I also find it kind of funny? Mike is the second person we’ve seen who seems to connect to the being known as The Vast, but in contrast to Simon Fairchild, who comes off as having the time of what little life he probably has left whenever he tosses people into the void…Mike just doesn’t care. I don’t know, I find the difference a little amusing. Well, back to being serious, Stephen is pulled up by a couple of tourists, but he notices that Mike is now gone…and so is Grant. Grant…isn’t anywhere, not in the lobby, on the streets, he’s nowhere to be seen. He doesn’t get to charge his dead phone until he gets back to the hotel (both of these brothers could really learn to prepare better before going out, I’m just saying), but when he does charge it, he finds dozens of missed calls and nearly four hundred texts…all from Grant. Most of the texts are scrambled, but the ones that are readable are asking where Stephen, anyone and the elevators were. One picture, the only one that isn’t all too corrupted, shows the edge of the skyscraper, but now there’s no barrier…and a ladder. And whenever he tries to call Grant…all he hears is rushing wind. As cool as Mike is…I haven’t been this glad a fictional character isn’t real for a while.

So, that’s A Long Way Down. Another great episode all in all. The way it portrayed an unhealthy sibling relationship was really well done, it did a great job at bringing out my fear of heights, and the return of Mike Crew makes me extremely happy. I…don’t really have much more to say about it, it’s just another solid episode among…a lot of solid episodes. …wow I love this show. As for analysis, well….most of my theories stemming from this episode come from what we get after the statement, although I guess I should take a quick look at Mike first, just going a little bit deeper than I did while recapping. So yeah…turns out he didn’t die! A lot of people thought that due to the Lichtenberg figure only appearing in Ex Altiora after he stole it, chances are he got stuck inside the book, meaning that…he was probably dead. Now, while I personally took the route of my Micheal crack theory…deep down I thought this was pretty logical, made even more logical thanks to First Edition revealing that you can get stuck in…at least one Leitner. But nope, turns out he survived! Now, since he seemingly gave himself to The Vast, I think it’s safe to say that either gained the ability to fly, or the ability to fall without issue after jumping out of that window, and now, he’s basically doing what The Fairchild Family does, just on a smaller scale. So…that’s great, there’s just…two guys throwing people into the void now. …Or is there? Because, I mean…this statement took place in 2006, over a decade prior to where we are now…so maybe Mike isn’t alive. Or…maybe he isn’t alive as we know him. Yeah…I regret to inform you that I’m not giving up on my Micheal-related theory just yet. Once again, I STRONGLY doubt that this theory is true. Chances are, Mike is still alive as a servant of The Vast to this day, he is completely separate from Micheal, and I’m absolutely crazy. I mean, I’ve already given a bajillion suggestions as to what Micheal might actually be, and all of them are probably more plausible than this. But I’m still going to throw it out there, simply because…it’s funny. Like I said, I am committing to the bit until I physically can’t anymore. So, I was fully prepared to give up on the theory right here, right now. It just…seemed like the podcast was intent on making Mike a threat that would come into play later on. But then…Jon comes along, and said something very interesting. If you don't recall, the basic gist of my Micheal theory was that some sort of unknowable horror was...absorbing various people, and that all of the people named Micheal who have featured somewhat prominently were among these absorbed people, with the big-handed blondie we all know and love being the result of that. This theory spawned because in Literary Heights, Mike is seen being pursued by some sort of pattern in the sky, and I thought it was described in a similar manner to that of a fractal, which I found notable since...fractals are one of Micheal's recurring motifs. And wouldn't you know it...Jon straight up calls that pattern, both the one on Mike's chest and the one chasing him...a fractal. This is...absolutely hilarious to me. Because it means that even if my theory isn't correct, Mike and Micheal have, at the very least, some sort of tangible connection beyond just their names. That's just...wow. But you know what? I REFUSE to settle down here. This is enough evidence to make me continue milking this concept for as much as it's worth. Because I. LOVE. MICHEAL.

Sure, Mike might not have been absorbed right after the events of Literary Heights, but who knows? Maybe he took refuge in The Vast for a while, and then Micheal eventually caught up with him? Sure, Micheal probably existed before this statement, if the fate of Ivo Lensik's father is anything to go off of, but maybe Mike just hadn't been absorbed back then. Sure, maybe I initially proposed that Mike was running from The Vast and it caught up with him, which would mean that Micheal and The Vast are the same thing, but maybe it's different. Maybe the pattern in Micheal and Ex Altiora is what connected Mike to the vast....although the whole lightning thing seems a lot more associated with The Vast...hm. Ok, I'll admit that's either a currently unsolvable mystery, or a hole in my argument. But I don't care! I. HAVE. ENOUGH. This theory is not going to be proven true. Mike Crew and Micheal...something are probably completely different people. But I refuse to give up. Because if I do....then I have failed my solemn duty of committing to the bit.

So uh...outside of my growing insanity, there are quite a few other interesting things found after the statement. Jon takes the opportuinity to talk a little bit about Leitners, or more specifically, how they affect the people who read them. While some just die, others get connected to ✨the horrors✨, Mike and Jared Hopworth being clear examples. And Jon says here that...the people who read them don't just change their actions, but who they are, and rather than them wielding the power, the power wields them. ...This is very interesting to me. I should preface this by saying that personally, I don't think there's that much of a difference between people who become "marked" by reading Leitners, and people who become "marked" through...literally any other method. We've seen it happen in so many different ways, from wasps nests in attics to experiments into ESP, and while I do think all of these transformations are united under something common (probably fear and/or resonance)...I don't think Leitners are all that special. They are just one of many ways ✨the horrors✨ mess up people's lives. But going past that...I find Jon's comment interesting due to recent events. Because, you know how I suggested that Maxwell Rayner was ACTUALLY the darkness that The Divine Host serves, just switching between a variety of possessed bodies. ...Well what if that's not exclusive to him. What if that goes for...everyone who's been "marked"? Because, we haven't really seen many of these weirdos in person, only getting descriptions of their personalities that are...just telling enough to the point where the listener can get a sense of their vibe and overall premise, but they're stil vague. The only person of this manner we've seen so far is Jane, and honestly...she fits the manner of "possessed" perfectly, given the whole hivemind thing she had going on. Sure, we also have Not!Sasha and Micheal, but Not!Sasha falls into this category where...I really don't know what she is, outside of the fact that she's most likely connected to The Anglerfish, The Other Circus and all of that fake stuff, and Micheal...well, I think he is actually just one of ✨the horrors✨, even if there is some...elements of humanity within him. The point is...I wonder if this entire time, ✨the horrors✨ have been showing up a lot more frequently than I thought. And like...that's really interesting to me, because if my line of thinking is true...can I really view these things as eldritch gods anymore? Because by this logic, a character like Agnes is being possessed by a Sumerian fire demon, meaning...a Sumerian fire demon had a tragic coffee shop romance. Well...whatever the case, I just find this single line from Jon interesting, and I think it might really help when it comes to understanding...just what the hell is even happening.

Ok...and now to the last scene. Well, before I get into the real meat, I did want to point out something a little bit strange. So, Jon starts comparing the statement to the story of Robert Kelly, the skydiver who got eaten by the sky. I don't think I really need to explain why he says this, since both are obviously connected to the same force, but...as he starts talking about this, the audio, and Jon's tone, suddenly change in a really abrupt manner. It's possible this was just an editing mistake, given how we hear a door open and a new voice just after this shift occurs...but given the usual quality of the audio, as well as how creative they like to get with effects like static (I mean, these ARE the people who used pasta to make worm sound effects)...I just have to wonder if there's maybe a greater meaning here. Given how devoted tma is to its framing device, as well as the...strange oddities surrounding the tapes from a story perspective, not to mention the archives and the institute as a whole...I'm obligated to keep an eye out for things like these. I don't have any clue as to WHAT it might mean, I just thought it's worth noting. But that aside, we get a surprising return from Basira, not too long since her last one. And....OH MY GOD SHE PULLED THROUGH. SHE DID EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED HER TO AND MORE. HELL. YES. So, to the surprise of...unfortunately no one, the police are covering up what happened during Rayner's attempted arrest. They're trying to frame Officer Altman's death as part of a botched drug deal, and have no issue getting Basira out of their hair. This has caused her to lose all faith in them, and that includes their ability and willingness to solve Gertrude's murder. So...she did the unthinkable. She didn't just give Jon a new tape...she gave him ALL OF THEM. Well, at least as many as she could get her hands on, but still. FUCK YEAH!!! SHE'S SO COOL!!! This is just...absolutely fantastic news. I was SO worried as to whether or not Jon was going to get the tapes after she quit, but this...it's better than I could've ever imagined. And apparently, Daisy's the only other person who knows, so hopefully Jon shouldn't have to deal with repercussions for holding onto the tapes. This is SO exciting to me. As per tradition, it makes me think the next episode will be a Gertrude tape, but like...what if ALL the remaining statements in Season 2 are Gertrude tapes? Not necessarily all the remaining episodes, as I'm sure some Infestation-esque shenanigans are bound to occur, but like...the actual statements. Granted, it definitely sounded like Basira gave more than three or four, so I do think that these tapes will carry into Season 3, but either way...AAAAAAHHHHH I"M EXCITED. Hopefully Basira also gets away with this fine....but man. What a legend. ...I am so not prepared for these final five.

Supplemental: Well...I'm halfway through the post now. Given everything that's been happening recently...I get the feeling we are about to enter some dark-ass waters. Maybe some of the episodes will be decently chill (I mean, the episode before Infestation was the fucking homophobic vase one)...but just in case, I want to outline some brief predictions for the finale. I don't think these are going to change much in the final pre-finale episodes, so I feel pretty comfortable putting them out here now. So uh...here you go.

- Given all of the buildup, I think that Jon will finally become aware of the truth behind Not!Sasha. This could potentially be done through Melanie, although given how she’s only appeared once throughout the entire season, briefly at that, I’m kind of leaning towards the tunnels, or maybe even Elias being the thing that reveals the truth. I guess Micheal also knows but…good luck getting him to give any answers. As for what she might do after being found out…that’s a whole other can of worms. A can of very scary flesh eating STD-adjacent worms.

- Mentioning the tunnels, I think we’ll definitely get some insight into what their whole deal is, which also probably means some Robert Smirke lore? I’m also certain that we’ll learn the identity of the guy living there, as I mentioned earlier.

- I’m definitely sure at least one more Gertrude tape will come before the finale, and that’ll come with some very vital information. Said information might be the big clue towards uncovering her killer (who I still think is either Elias, the person in the tunnels, both, some eldritch monster, or someone affiliated with a cult), and I think the killer will be revealed by the end, since it’s kind of been the big mystery of the season. If not, then maybe it’ll carry over into Season 3.

- I think the death-aligned being I’ve been referring to as “The End” since First Edition will play a significant role, given how there’s been quite a few episodes that seem to surround it recently. I also definitely think that Leitners will somehow be relevant in the finale, given how much they’ve been mentioned both in and out of statements all throughout the season (…stupid idiot motherfu-), and when you combine those two…maybe some Keay family lore is due as well. Perhaps that’ll come from a Gertrude tape, and we’ll learn what was up with that page Mary gave her.

- The archival assistants and Elias have been weirdly absent since Thought for the Day. I definitely think this is intentional, and is meant to show how Jon has been driving them away, but I’d be surprised if they didn’t all show up for the finale. I also think Basira will come back one last time (at least for this season), and she might even bring Daisy along with her.

- Micheal…maybe…please…

- And finally, I just think that there’s going to be some really big changes to the status quo. If Gertrude’s killer is in the institute as Jon seems to believe, that’s one thing, but given how this season has been really intent on making it clear that the institute is just as paranormal as everything else, I think any potential answers regarding that weirdness could be…pretty earth-shattering. I also get the feeling that the narrative will become a lot more…centralized? Like, there’s a lot of running narratives seen in statements, and many of them have been converging as time goes on, all fitting into the grander narrative, yet very few of them have actually had a tangible effect on the institute yet. I have to assume that’ll change sooner rather than later so…yeah, I just feel like there’ll be some big changes going forward.

Well, that’s all my last-minute thoughts. Here’s a picture of my initiation into The People’s Church of The Divine Host, just for good(?) luck as I go into the final five. See you on the other side :)

- Episode 76, The Smell of Blood 🚃

Statement of Melanie King, regarding her further researches into war ghosts. Statement taken direct from subject.

Well...I guess I'll eat my damned words then, jeez. So...huh. Right after I make the shockingly bold proclamations of "next episode will definitely be a Gertrude tape" and "Melanie might not be super important"...they throw this at me. Is this karma or something? What did I do? Did I bully Stepehen Walker too much? Or is Rusty Quill trying to fuck with me by debunking my "final predictions" as quickly as possible? Well, regardless of what the answer is...THIS EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD!!! While I was starting to doubt whether or not she'd return by the end of the season, that doesn't change the fact that I'm SUPER happy Melanie returned, she's always been one of my favorite side characters, so getting not only a prominent return, but yet another full blown statement from her is the best case scenario. ...Even if I'm a little bit concerned about whether or not we'll see her again but...I'll get to that later. Outside of her return, the episode had some really creepy imagery, giving off the vibes of something you'd hear about on a ghost tour or...funnily enough, a UK paranormal documentary, and it obviously pushed the story into...what is indisputably season finale territory (glad to say that I'm probably right with at least one prediction), and this episode made me REALLY happy when you pair it with how I've tried to make sense of ✨the horrors✨. I have...quite a fair bit to say, both in terms of my recap and analysis....so I'll just jump on in right now. And maybe I should bother to learn what a "Buzzfeed Unsolved" is...

Ok, before I get into all of this, can I just mention how insane it is that this statement takes place on February 13th, 2017? ...Ok that was a weird way to phrase it. What I'm trying to say is that the whole incident with The Divine Host took place on February 10th, meaning that over just four days, Jon has dealt with five different statements, two of which were given by people he knows personally to some extent, and has also had to deal with the implications of said statements, all of the tapes that Basira just got him, and now the realization that something is very wrong with one of his coworkers. ...I mean, I know his life hasn't been all that pleasant since Martin's statement, but...all of that in this short of a timespan? Poor guy. Well, with that aside, on to the actual content of the episode. So, while Jon was trying to figure out which of Gertrude's tapes to listen to first, Melanie suddenly returned after getting the information she needed from the institute's library, and is now ready to give a statement regarding the aftermath of her time filming at CMH, and her arrest after breaking into the Rotherham train graveyard. I...honestly feel kind of stupid for assuming she wasn't going to come back before the season ended. Like, come on me, there was no way they were just going to ignore those "weird things" she mentioned. Well anyways, Melanie's here now, and Jon isn't that happy about it, due to his need to investigate the tapes. Ah...how I longed for the banter between these two to return. Although oddly enough...I kind of think they could work well as friends? I'll get to that later, but going back to Jon, he's initially dismissive...until Melanie reveals a large scar on her shoulder, saying it came from a 1940s surgical scalpel. So, he ultimately lets her make her statement. It begins with a more detailed description of what happened to Ghost Hunt UK after their encounter with Sarah Baldwin at the Cambridge Military Hospital. Sarah had went missing a few months after the shoot, but oddly enough, despite her whole skin peeling and stapling thing, Melanie says that she wasn't as hung up on that as she was...the hospital itself. She says she felt a presence in there, implied to be separate from Sarah and The Anglerfish, and that said presence was likely the thing that attacked the former. This is...very intriguing to me. When I initially wrote about Skintight, not only was I much less detailed, but I was so focused on The Anglerfish coming back that I neglected to mention...how weird the hospital itself was. Sarah was oddly concerned about going inside, apologizes for "unintended trespassing" at one point, and Melanie mentions paint that looked like blood, and a phrase spray-painted over a mural that read..."silk will not stitch the butcher's meat". And...quite a bit of that is very reminiscent of what happens in this episode, beyond the fact that both of them star Melanie. I'll do a deeper dive into this topic later on, but for now...I'll just say that I don't think The Anglerfish was the only spooky thing in Skintight, Sarah Baldwin might've been attacked by something else, and...I get the feeling that Melanie's gotten into some really deep shit. Like, the similarities between her two statements are so noticeable that i have to believe she's either become haunted (or..."marked", even), or that there is just something...deeply, innately wrong with her. Well, aside from her being a youtuber and a meme, that is. Anyways, back to the summary.

So yeah, things hadn't been going well with Ghost Hunt UK. The incident at CMH had been tearing them apart, and multiple people were deciding to quit, with many of them doing so unofficially, or without even telling Melanie. She actually went back to the hospital at one point, but unfortunately didn't find anything. ...Ok maybe Sarah and The Anglerfish were the only weird thing going on here, but like I CAN DREAM OK. Maybe the reason she didn't find anything is because by classic ghost logic, if you go out of your way to look for something weird, the chances of you finding it are pretty slim. It finds you, not the other way around, something that is even evident later in the episode. Well, when she couldn't find anything, she decided to look into similar places, mostly other military hospitals, but really...anywhere that was known as "haunted" and had a connection to historical conflicts. It was then that she realized...basically everyone in her field looked in the same places, constantly retracing each other's steps and coming to the same conclusions, at least in The UK but...even in countries like America, it's apparently not much better. Melanie initially assumed this happened in order to avoid anything that might be fake, but nowadays...she thinks it's to avoid anything that's far too real. But Melanie was determined. Her encounter with Sarah was arguably the most significant thing that ever happened at CMH, so...when she discovered a whole truckload of spooky places and stories that her coworkers had entirely avoided...she unfortunately decided to dig deeper. This caused all of her friends to start distancing themselves from her, likely because they...felt like she was going to get herself hurt, and that they would be subjects of a mysterious spooky death story if they didn't just give up and leave. ...yikes. Well, as unfortunate as that is, it still didn't stop her. She started going on various online forums looking for leads, going off the beaten (and safe) path in hopes of finding some answers on the...weird presence she felt. She eventually learned how to peel out the real ones, or at the very least, the ones that the writers think are real, as they were always the ones that...never really had any resolution or narrative flow. ....This single comment she gave somehow sent me into a minor rabbit hole. I'll keep this brief, but when I first heard that quote, I found it kind of ironic since...all of the statements we hear have good narrative flow, and are supposed to be real in the context of the show. I mean, it's not a problem, I'd obviously rather the podcast has good structure than bad structure, but I thought there was some irony behind the comment. But then I realized...the statements are probably only a small fraction of paranormal encounters. Like, statistically speaking, there are probably hundreds and hundreds of spooky incidents in this world that DIDN'T have narrative flow, and probably ended in much more bleak and grim ways. Because everyone who gave a statement lived long enough to do so, but...that probably doesn't go for the majority of people who've fallen victim to ✨the horrors✨ in the past. I just wanted to talk about that, because I thought it was really cool how what initially started as a line potentially worth critiquing, ultimately got me to appreciate the writing even more, and start thinking about...just how many incidents that are entirely heard of have occurred, because it's not like everyone in the world is in close contact with, or even knows of the institute. It's just...man, this is a damn good show!

This comment also got me thinking about...how weird it is that everyone is able to give a perfect account of their experiences. I already kind of thought it was weird in the cases of characters like Daisy, but...it's just getting very strange to me how all of the statements are perfectly told to us, despite coming from so many different kinds of people. It's probably just for the sake of writing a compelling story, which if so is completely understandable, and I'm willing to suspend my disbelief if it means the script stays this consistently good. But...like I've said before, I'm inclined to be suspicious of almost everything this podcast throws at me, and the structure is no exception. If the perfect recounts of these incidents really are something worth keeping in mind...then I have to say, I find it really weird that a homeless drug addict who nearly died of lung cancer was able to give not only a very well written statement, but one that was twice as long, maybe even longer that the average one. ....Wow that was a hell of a side tangent. Holy shit I need to get back to the plot. Uhhhh...Melanie is on the interwebs, yeah! So, after some digging, she eventually came across...quite the interesting lead. She found a guy on a forum who claimed to work at the C.F. Booth scrap metal and recycling yard, a place located in Rotherham that happens to be one of the biggest train graveyards in the UK. He worked there scrapping the trains, but there was one train that for some reason, was never on queue to be scrapped, and had seemingly been there since The 1950s. On top of that, every time he got near it...he smelled blood. For some reason, even though it didn't seem all too different from all of the fake stories floating around...this one stuck with Melanie, so she decided to go see some family up in Sheffield, and make her way to the train graveyard from there. It's around this point where Melanie mentions how while she should've turned back, she didn't out of a desire to be assured that what she saw at CMH was actually real, and Jon claims he knows the feeling. Not much to say about this really, but I'm happy that my analysis of the parallels between these two and their stories was proven correct, and that hopefully...maybe they can bond over that in the future. Regardless, after spying on the security and cameras for a few nights, Melanie finally managed to sneak her way into the train graveyard. She eventually came across what the forum poster had described; a large steel boxcar with a curved roof, a windowless sliding door, and specks of olive paint scattered across it. And wouldn't you know it...the smell of blood permeated from it, getting stronger as she got closer, and guiding her through the night better than her own eyes. As she got closer, Melanie swore she could see figures in the other cars, but they were never there if she glanced back. Like I said, classic ghost story shenanigans. Eventually, she got up to the car, the smell of blood being at an almost choking level. When she went up to the doors, her torch landed on a serial number surrounded by more specks of olive paint, which she says reminded her of the army. After noting the number down, she went inside...and that's when things got a bit TOO bloody. (Fun fact, I tried tasting a bit of my own blood after I got a small cut not too long ago. Unfortunately I found it pretty bland, so chances of me being descended from vampires just went way down :/.)

When Melanie first opened the car, it was dark and featureless as expected. But then she directed her torch to the floor and....oh. Blood. Who could've seen that one coming. As she followed the stream, she landed upon an old hospital bed, colored in the same army-green as the specks of paint. On top of it was a white body bag with...ominous black stains at the bottom (which is oddly Rayner coded to me if I'm honest, but probably means something else), and as most ghost stories with body bags go...it started to move. Melanie tried to run, but as soon as she did, a new figure, one that looked like a war medic in his mid-twenties, came charging in, and...began to stab the body bag with its scalpel, over and over again. Melanie notes that his eyes weren't normal, that they lacked everything that made a person human. All that was there was a lust for violence, carnage and blood. ...The mention of eyes in general is certainly interesting to me. Unfortunately, the look in his eyes was enough to distract her from his oncoming charge. That's...obviously how she got the scar on her shoulder. Her scream from the pain was seemingly what alerted the guards, and well...we already know the rest. She was technically arrested, but got sent to the hospital for her wound, and as expected, no one believed her. ...If only Basira was the cop there, she would've been cool about it. Oh, Melanie also became a meme for a short while, which leads to one of the funniest parts of the podcast so far, where Jon defends his knowledge of memes when Melanie questions him. I choose to believe that he was bullshitting it, and has absolutely no idea what they actually are but...to each their own I suppose. But...it didn't actually stop there, as there's a reason as to why Melanie didn't immediately give another statement.

So, despite everything that happened, she continued digging, such is one's fate as a parallel to Jonathan Sims. Via the serial number, she learned that the train came from World War 2, and was coincidentally...an army hospital train from the US that was used in the European theatre from 1944. However, it crashed and derailed in 1945, killing five and seriously injuring fourteen, although there were no patients officially on board at the time. But with no extra information, and no way to tell how the train ended up in Rotherham, she came to the institute's library. Here, she found an account from a man named William W. Hay, who was seemingly a real guy, although I've had some trouble finding any extra relevant information on him that isn't specified in the episode, and said episode obviously deviates from real world history for the sake of spooks. Apparently, Hay became an occultist later in life (...quite suspicious given the podcast's history with such a topic), and that led to most of his memoirs and research findings being published in a very edited form. However, the institute...somehow possesses the original scripts, (that's totally not so convenient that it's suspicious whatsoever) and from those scripts, Melanie learned that he just so happened to serve on the exact train she explored the ruins of. ...I loved how Jon and Melanie were nerding out in this scene by the way, this is exactly why I think they could make good friends. But from a photocopy of his memoirs (which Jon read in perfect form by the way...which is also something I'm kind of suspicious of now AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH), we learn that during his time upon the train, Hay witnessed how bloodshed, carnage and violence can effect one's psychology in the long run. He saw their senses start to dull, and eventually, a select few developed a strange fascination with the mechanisms of violence and butchery, how wounds were formed...with the smell of blood supposedly being a strong motivator. It's from this account that we also learn...why exactly the train crashed. Apparently, a young medic got filled with an insatiable urge to commit violent acts, so the other workers aboard the train crashed it, choosing to die in that way rather than risk his rampage. ...I think it's safe to say we now know who exactly it was that stabbed Melanie, or at the very least...who that spirit represented. There is...one other thing Hay mentions though. Apparently, he spent some time at an infirmary in Amritsar, and...he witnessed two dozen Ghurkas tear each other to bloody bits, seemingly driven by that same, soul-consuming bloodlust that he saw on the train. ...Yikes. So, that's the basic rundown of Melanie's statement, but what about my thoughts? Because...I certainly have some.

Honestly...from a plot and character perspective, I really don't have much to say about this statement. The story of the derailed hospital train seems to be, at the very least from a timeline perspective, mostly unconnected from anything that's shown up in the past, with the obvious exception of Melanie herself. The main thing that interests me however is...the themes, all of those recurring ideas of violence, war and bloodlust, as...I think they're actually really important, not in terms of understanding the timeline, but rather...the nature of the hospital train, as well as CMH. I will admit that the theory I'm about to propose should be taken with a grain of salt. It's made with much more serious intentions than something like my Micheal theory, and I think the evidence I'm providing is a bit more tight, but ultimately...this is just kind of a fun thought experiment, and I don't really think I'm all that right with this one. It's plausible, but...I don't know if it'll be the route the podcast takes. Honestly, that's kind of a thing with most of my theories regarding ✨the horrors✨. Like, I've been using the formula I proposed after Old Passages for...over 40 episodes now, but that's really only because it's the easiest way for me to categorize things. I don't know how likely it is that my interpretation of tma's eldritch forces is true, but....hey, I'd have a hell of a lot less theories if I didn't have SOME way of understanding things. So, as you've probably surmised, my theory revolves around which one of ✨the horrors✨ I think is haunting the hospital train. But before I make my proposition, I think it's important that I take a better look at Melanie, and...how she connects to all of this. Because...it is super weird to me that she just so happens to come across another military hospital thing, like...by coincidence. Sure, she was doing some digging into other military hospitals after the trip to CMH, but with the train...she didn't learn it was used for the same purposes until after she got arrested and did some extra research, up until that point, she was just...drawn to it, for some weird reason. And as far as we're concerned, beyond...probably being connected to the same member of ✨the horrors✨, CMH and the hospital train don't have any lore connections, so...I feel like there's something going on with Melanie. I don't think she's secretly an eldritch monster or anything, we already have someone fulfilling that role, but...there's something going on here. And...you know how Melanie mentioned feeling a presence inside CMH, one that got to her more than Sarah Baldwin peeling and re-attaching her own skin? Well...I'm just wondering if she got..."marked" by that presence. Not in the same way that someone like Jane got "marked", where you straight up get consumed by ✨the horrors✨, but more like...Andrea Nunis from Lost in the Crowd. Melanie's just being...followed by whatever was in CMH, and that's why she was mysteriously drawn to the hospital train, seemingly haunted by the same presence. Hell, maybe she got "marked" before that, and that was what drew her to CMH, although I think that's pretty unlikely since she had more of a legitimate and normal reason to go there, as opposed to the hospital train, which she just felt oddly compelled to go for. So...yeah, I think Melanie's gotten herself in quite the sticky situation. But with that in mind...what exactly do I think is haunting these places, and by extension, her? Well, I guess I should mention some...potential candidates first.

One candidate...could technically be whatever Sarah and The Anglerfish are involved with, although I think that's pretty unlikely, mostly due to the fact that Melanie straight up says there was something in the hospital other than them, and that's what she's most concerned about. I guess you could interpret Sarah apologizing for trespassing as her, like...begging for forgiveness from the monster she serves, the phrase "silk will not stitch the butcher's meat" is pretty reminiscent of the skin thing, and you could also interpret her getting flinged around as being the doing of The Anglerfish (which I admittedly also thought at first), but...I'm not so sure anymore. I think it's more likely that she intruded upon the domain of a separate being, and that as a servant of The Anglerfish...she got tossed around a bit as punishment. This kind of makes sense to me, because ✨the horrors✨ do seem to have some sort of...weird thing going on where some are allies, but others are enemies, like Asag and the spiders being clearly opposed for example. As for the graffiti, well...that works well with all of the medical horror, so...yeah, I don't think these two should be Melanie's biggest concern. Another potential candidate is the being associated with all sorts of body horror. Stuff like gore and blood definitely line up nicely with that, and...honestly I could see the graffiti as being something straight out of Tom Haan's mouth, but still, I'm not...entirely convinced. I mean, I guess it has a good chance of being the driving force behind all of this, but that's not as interesting of a thought to me. It also doesn't help that there's no signs of classic tma body horror motifs like cannibalism and Christian imagery, and admittedly, the gore in these episodes is a lot more...standard wound-based, where as all of the stuff that seemingly follows the body horror thing usually deals with concepts like dismemberment, so...I'm still not fully convinced. Both of these are decently plausible candidates for the member of ✨the horrors✨ that's following Melanie, but I think evidence is lacking in some parts...and they aren't the most interesting options for me personally. So what DO I think is haunting these places? Well...hear me out. What if...it's The Piper?

Ever since I composed my first list of✨the horrors✨, The Piper has always been there, but never for the same reasons as everything else. Most of the beings I claim to exist (minus the technology related one, but if you've read my thoughts on Binary you know that's an absolute ride), I only put on that list due to how much they pop up over and over again, and often, whether or not they have notable followers. Stuff like fire, darkness, falling, disease, spiders, meat, compression, isolation, so on and so forth, have all shown up many times...but The Piper hasn't. I've only ever included it on this list due to the fact that it's described in a very abstract and spectral nature, and...that it is literally the embodiment of war, which feels much more god-level than monster-level. But like...it has never shown up past its debut episode, and MAYBE in Grifter's Bone, but I've always thought that was a bit of a stretch. As time has progressed, I've honestly become less and less sure of its status as one of ✨the horrors✨, only really holding on to it because I liked my number of fourteen, based on how many passages Robert Smirke made beneath The Reform Club. But...this has kind of changed things for me. Like I said, I FEEL like I'm making a stretch here...but I will take any excuse I can if it means making The Piper important again. Because...just look at the themes of this episode. War is a very obvious returning motif, but then...all of the history behind the hospital train, along with the mad Ghurkas in Amritsar, revolves around people going mad with an insatiable lust for blood, carnage and the formation of wounds. That is...way too damn similar to what happened to Wilfred Owen and all of the other soldiers for me to simply ignore. I REALLY feel like The Piper might be haunting the hospital train, and even if there weren't really any themes of bloodlust in Skintight, it was probably still...somewhat present in CMH by extension. And it doesn't stop there! In retrospect...I feel like it might've been even more present throughout the podcast than I ever realized. For example, let's go back to Grifter's Bone. Now that the whole bloodlust thing has become more apparent, the idea of Alfred Grifter being a servant of The Piper who drove all of the people at his performances to murder and/or suicide feels a lot more likely. It also helps that the people at his performance in Soho were seemingly ghosts, since due to the ghost of the mad medic on the train, The Piper being pretty spectral in the way it's described, and Melanie formerly running...Ghost Hunt UK, it is very possible that ghosts are a recurring motif here as well. And then you also have The Tale of a Field Hospital. Granted, Amherst is the main focus of this episode, and I think he's connected to The Flesh Hive. But...I don't know, the episode DOES take place in a military hospital, and lightly touches on the horrors of war here and there, so...hm. I guess I COULD also throw Cheating Death and Crusader into the mix, since both of them take place during wars, but...honestly, I think the settings of war are more likely there to act as nothing more than a framing device, since the episodes overall deal with very different themes, and seemingly different members of ✨the horrors✨. I mean...Crusader did kind of touch on the topic of war so...maybe, but I'm not as convinced as I am with other episodes. The only real problem with this line of thinking that comes to mind is that...some episodes lack certain aspects of The Piper. Grifter's Bone doesn't really deal with the idea of war at all, and Skintight, The Tale of a Field Hospital and this episode have little to do with music. But even so...I'd love it if I was on to something here. This theory is...admittedly pretty self-indulgent on my part. I'm really only making it because...I've put a lot of thought into how I define ✨the horrors✨ over the course of the past few months, and I'd REALLY like to be proven...somewhat correct, though i'd be stunned if I got it nailed down 100%. Either way, I hope I'm on to...something here.

That concludes my recap and analysis of Melanie's statement in The Smell of Blood! This was another fantastic episode, I'm just...really happy that Melanie's proven to be a relevant character with an ongoing story, and the potential implications provided by the themes of the episode really excite me, and I'm pleasantly surprised by how much it made me look back at previous episodes, despite the narrative seeming relatvely self-contained at first glance. It also had tons of creepy imagery, and...yeah, just a great time, I'm super excited to see how it all pans out! But...there is no way in hell that I can ignore what comes afterwards. Because oh. my. god. Well, starting off with the simpler, but...arguably just as concerning(?) part, we have the matter of Melanie's next move. Because...you know how I mentioned the bloodshed Hay witnessed at the infirmary in Amritsar. Well, because she is, once again, cursed to parallel Jon...Melanie is unfortunately STILL not giving up, taking a trip to India, and giving her statement...in case she dies. Oh....I...really DO NOT LIKE THAT!!!! That is a bad, BAD death flag. Best case scenario is that she sees another really traumatizing thing, and gets to give another statement, but worse case scenario...she doesn't come back at all. PLEASE be careful Melanie, I...really do not want her to die now. Honestly, I feel like right now is like...the most worried I have ever been for the character's lives. I mean, it makes sense, I've obviously gotten more and more attatched as time goes on, but like...I SAW what happened to Sasha at the end of the last season...DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN PLEASE. Oh yeah...there's that too. So...turns out the theory was indeed correct. For some unknown reason (I'm guessing it's the encounter with Sarah, since there's some level of tangible connection going on there)...Melanie is capable of seeing through Not!Sasha's facade. I will say that it was nice to get some canon description of OG Sasha, which thankfully lines up with my pre-conceived mental image of her, and hear that her and Melanie actually got along quite well, talking about haunted pubs (which is a cute reference to A Distortion), but overall...holy shit. When Melanie starts proclaiming that...who Jon thinks is Sasha is someone else, things obviously get heated. (and they were actually getting along a bit...sigh) Melanie accuses him of gaslighting, and unfortunately storms off, but Jon...is understandably not doing too well. I will admit that I initially found his...less than calm reaction to Melanie's words a bit hasty at first, but honestly...given where he is mentally right now, especially with his suspicion of Not!Sasha growing, I think it makes sense for something like that to trigger him. And I mean....based on his supplemental, I definitely think he's starting to get a better hunch as to what's going on. Jon ends the episode by saying that now that Melanie's given her statement, he's ready to sort through the tapes Basira gave him...and thinks he knows where to start. ....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! You see, I was RIGHT to put in those pre-finale speculations after the last episode! Things are about to get so, so wild...and I am very far from prepared for it. But like...what does Jon mean when he says he knows where to start with all those Gertrude tapes? Does it somehow connect to Melanie's statement? Or...is it somehow about Not!Sasha? At the very least, Jon mentions there being multiple stories in the archives about things that decieve and trick you (holy shit that's what I said one of ✨the horrors✨ was related to HOLY SHIT)...so I feel like it has to be tangentially connected to the latter at the very least. Either way...there's no chance the next episode ISN'T a Gertrude tape, so...I'll just wait and see. What I do know is that as always with her, there is going to be some lore...and I don't know if I can process that right now! Oh dear...four more episodes...how did I get this far...

Supplemental: Ok, here's some...random miscellaneous thoughts I wanted to put out. So, first off....man I really miss the rest of the archival team. I mean, I think their lack of presence is a really smart move, it's good to sacrifice that if it means showing how distant Jon has become...but I miss them so much :(. Hopefully they'll show up in time for the finale though. Secondly, and I've been meaning to mention this for AGES now, but...Jon has been getting more and more sloppy with his recordings now. I think I first noticed it in Still Life, where he mentioned not trusting his assistants on the main tape, but like...now we have episodes like A Long Way Down, where he leaves both evidence of conspiracy with Basira, and possession of Gertrude's tapes on the main recording as well. Just...I really hope that doesn't have repercussions. ...Oh who am I kidding it's absolutely going to have repercussions. And finally...I kind of just wanted to talk about...some of the "fake" things that showed up in Still Life, what with Sarah Baldwin and Not!Sasha being pretty relevant right now. Namely, I wanted to discuss The Other Circus and Breekon and Hope. You see, given how much this podcast jumps around in time, I find it kind of hard to remember what's something worth worrying about, and what's a tale of the past. Like, you would be surprised by how many times I've forgotten that Gerard is dead in the present. So on that note...I'm kind of wondering if The Other Circus is even around anymore? Things like the calliope and the fake tiger are definitely still here, but for all we know, those are just remnants of a long-gone organization, with the only known encounter with the circus itself being in the 1950s. Hell, the fact that those artifacts aren't in their possession makes it seem even more likely they're inactive, along with the fact that the ringmaster, Gregor Orsinov, was described in a way that made him seem...somewhat older in the 50s, so I don't know how likely it is that he's even around. Well, provided that he ages like a normal human to begin with (I say as I shoot looks at Mary, Agnes and Rayner). I also just wanted to touch on Breekon and Hope. These guys have shown up a ton, and while I've investigated their motives and alignments and...all of that before, I've never really questioned...what they even are? Like, seriously. What are they supposed to be? Are they brothers? Cousins? Friends? ...Lovers? I genuinely have no idea, but at the very least I doubt they're normal humans, since they don't seem to have aged at all between the 50s and present day. Well, you know, based on what little description we get of them. Uh...ok, that's all, just needed to get some random thoughts off my chest. See you next time, where...some ungodly shit is going to happen, I bet.

- Episode 77, The Kind Mother ❌

Case 9941509. Lucy Cooper. Incident occurred in Draycott, Somerset, August 1994. Victim’s name given as Rose Cooper.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO!!! So...uh...yikes. I mean...at least I'm DEFINITELY right about things going to shit...christ almighty. This episode....I mean, where to even begin? Well, can I just say that this one is an absolute triumph? Firstly, I'm really happy that Season 2 is having...a more focused buildup to its finale, I guess? What I mean by that is, like, Season 1 kind of just had an assortment of miscellaneous statements that didn't connect to what we were dealing with, and then BOOM! All of a sudden worms. That wasn't a problem at all, since not only was there plenty of other episodes building up the attack throughout the second half of the season, as well as...little extra plot bits in most of those later episodes, but I'm also not immune to the comedic value of the last somewhat standard Season 1 episode being the homophobic vase one. My point is though, I think it's really cool that they're focusing entirely on...what we now know is called The NotThem (which feels like a pretty obvious name in retrospect), even before the real "finale". But mentioning that...thing, the other thing that impresses me about the episode is just...how innovative it is. While there's been many instances of returning characters over the course of these two seasons, each episode has still had a pretty individual concept. This one however, is entirely centered around something we're all too familiar with at this point, and yet it STILL manages to stand out in...what is conceptually the most terrifying utilization of The NotThem to date, in my opinion. That's just...a huge testament to the writing quality we're dealing with here. But uh...yeah, this was yet another fantastic one! More of Gertrude after not hearing her for a while was great, some of the lore the episode set up was...holy shit we'll get into that, and OH GOD I AM SO SCARED JON PLEASE DON'T GO INTO THIS ALONE AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Truth be told, since this episode deals with a very familiar concept, I might not have a ton to say about the actual statement beyond a recap and some miscellaneous thoughts, but that's totally fine, because...boy do I have a few things to say about everything else. Don't worry, it's not Thought for the Day level...although it does kind of come back to that...uh...you'll see. So uh...let's just get this one over with. (I mean that in the best way possible, I'm just very scared right now.)

So, as expected, this episode is another one given by Gertrude. ...Thank god, the amount of worry I had for the chances of getting another one for like...10 episodes straight was staggering. I do find it kind of funnily convenient that she just...happened to record one about the exact thing Jon needs to know about right now, and he got ahold of it at that exact time. It's not a problem, more a godsent than anything else, but it made me chuckle. What's also convenient is that Gertrude thankfully knows to say when exactly she's recording her tapes, and from this, we know that this is the earliest one so far. Unfortunately, that means there's no real information on her murder here, but it does give us a better sense of how long The NotThem has been around for, and...maybe there's some hidden clues that hint towards what the institute was like at the time, since Elias would've probably only been appointed as head very recently, maybe not all depending on how late into 1996 he even was brought in. If so, I couldn't pick up on any clues...but I'll keep it in mind just in case. This was also the first Gertrude tape since Tightrope that's actually narrated by her, which is great since I absolutely love her voice...but it also made me come to a realization. You see, while Gertrude still reads her statements in a very convincing and immersive way, it's not quite...on the same level of insane dramatic theatre kid as Jon. And it's not in a way that makes me think it's like....a testament to the difference in skill between VAs (because holy shit if Sue Sims isn't brilliant I don't know what she is), it comes off as more of a...potentially plot relevant thing. Like, I've said a couple of times that I'm kind of getting suspicious of...why Jon reads statements so dramatically, because as the institute itself gets weirder and weirder, I start to doubt that he's just a theatre kid (although I still think he IS that either way.) Gertrude however...I don't know, she felt a lot more calm and composed, the difference between her regular voice and statement voice is a lot more subtle to me. I might be reading too much into things here, but...I'm curious, I feel like this is a weird difference between the two worth noting. Well, while there's still a lot of intrigue surrounding Gertrude, for now I'll go over the statement. This one comes from a woman named Lucy Cooper, and, I'm just going to cut to the chase, her mother, Rose Cooper, has been replaced by The NotThem. Already, an aspect of this episode that sets it apart from other instances of this same idea is the familial connection, which goes a surprisingly long way in terms of creativity. And uh...on that note, I kind of want to discuss the whole..."how is it that certain people can see through The NotThem's disguise" dilemma. I certainly have my own thoughts on it, which I'll go over in due time, but I wanted to address a certain theory that I saw a lot of people in the YouTube comments throwing around.

Basically, the theory states that the people who can see through the facade are those who know of, but aren't super close to the person who's been replaced. Amy Patel stalked Graham Folger, but they were only brief acquaintances outside of that. Melanie knows of and was rather fond of Sasha, but they only had like...one conversation. And then Lucy obviously knows Rose, but is far from close to her. And...yeah, I can see where that idea comes from, it's a decent foundation, but...I'd have to disagree. And the reason for that is...those relationships are far from rare. Most people have plenty of relationships with others that boil down to being...brief acquantances, or familiar faces that don't know each other personally. Like, take Graham for example. He never came off as an especially social person, but I'm sure plenty of people recognized his face, so statistically speaking, there would be way more than just Amy claiming that Not!Graham was a different person. Same probably goes for Sasha, you'd think that someone in a different department of the institute, who probably only sees her around the hallways once in a while would've noticed something, but...no. So yeah, while this theory isn't entirely unfounded or impossible, I have my doubts, personally. I'll go over my thoughts on how I think this...actually works soon enough, but for now, back to the statement. So, Lucy and Rose Cooper have never gotten along particularly well. The latter was always extremely blunt, harsh and/or critical towards her daughter, to the point where Lucy could never feel accomplished at anything due to the constant critique. Honestly, I really liked the light that was shed on this kind of parent-child dynamic in this episode, it kind of reminded me of A Long Way Down with how the relationship is a lot more...subtly toxic, not exactly flat-out abusive but...still wrong, and the episode makes a good point of that. It all came to a head when Lucy and Rose got into a big argument about the man who proposed to the former, the latter stating he was a piece of scum who'd preveng her from achieving anything. This caused Lucy to entirely ditch her mother for nearly a decade, and she spent that decade trying to convince herself that she was fundamentally different from her mother...but deep down she knew that it was their similarities, their shared stubborness, that drove them apart. Lucy would go through two separate affairs, yet still stuck with her husband out of fear of her mother being proven right. Even when said husband got jailed for embezzlement, she still refused to talk to her. However, when her father, George Cooper, fell from a ladder and ended up in a wheelchair, Lucy decided she should finally make amends. Oh hey, there's another similarity to A Long Way Down. Hopefully it doesn't have the same freaky connotations, maybe Jonny just had a bad experience with a ladder and needed to vent when he was writing around this time, I don't know. But...yeah, Lucy had a much more positive relationship with her dad, even if he was somewhat quiet and inefficient in the face of Rose, so she thought that if it meant being there for him, she should probably try to reconnect...in general. When she first visited Draycott, the village in Somerset her parents now called home, it...wasn't exactly easy. Her mother hadn't changed beyond her age, and she wasn't above getting into more fights with her daughter, but George was always happy to see Lucy, and...Rose liked seeing him happy, so they made a sort of uneasy truce. Hell, despite the long journey to and from London, Lucy found a reason to go more often. She had been doing work on oral histories for the British Library, and Rose just so happened to have studied a lot of English and Welsh folklore in her time as an academic, so despite her initial reluctance, she ended up making some recordings for her daughter to use, and all in all...everything was pretty decent! Well...you know, for a time at least.

So...that's great, everything's going pretty well right? Lucy and Rose are doing their own mini-version of tma, they live in a village known for local myths and legends in a podcast that loves to exploit that sort of thing for the sake of making manmade horrors beyond our comprehension, what could go wrong? Well..everything, obviously. Roughly two weeks before giving her statement, Lucy returned to Draycott for another visit, but the person who opened the door was...odd. She was wearing Rose's clothes, but was nothing like her. She was short, less thin, and had long curly white hair, as opposed to Rose's much shorter cut. She made an...oddly joyful laugh, and when George came in as if everything was normal, that's when Lucy started to get concerned. She started questioning where her mother was, but her father just looked at her with a confused expression, repremanding Lucy for her "unfunny joke" while...ok no need for ominous buildup, we're callling her Not!Rose, just stood there with open arms. A...couple of things came to my mind at this point. Firstly, at around seven minutes in, a static noise plays that...I SWEAR has never shown up in the podcast before. It could just be some new audio resource Rusty Quill got their hands on, but...like with everything else that relates to the audio...I can't help bu be suspicious right now. I know Jonny and Alex have went on record to say that the music is the one thing that doesn't matter, but like...what if that noise doesn't count as music. The weird thing is though...you'd kind of think that if a unique static was to play at this point, it'd be the one that plays when Not!Sasha's around, but...no. It's entirely different and....AAAAAGGGHHH I'm so confused. Well anyways, the other thing i found really interesting was...Not!Rose's general behavior, as opposed to OG Rose's. It's here when I realized why the episode was called "The Kind Mother"...and this single aspect of the episode is what makes it so special and terrifying to me. Although...I kind of wish they took it a step further? You see, every other instance of The NotThem has been like...nothing but a purely negative thing. There is absolutely no benefit to it killing Graham and Sasha, but here...it's a different story. Rose might be dead and replaced, which is obviously terrifying...but Lucy now has the ideal relationship with her "mother" that she always wanted, so there's unfortunately a good side to the scenario. I just...kind of wished they utilized that a bit more? Don't get me wrong, I still think what they actually did, with Lucy realizing how much her mother actually meant to her in the end, was fantastic, and even if it;s not utilized to its prime, the dilemma of Rose's replacement is still really cool conceptually. And I mean, this is the earliest example of The NotThem timeline-wise, so they need to explain how it made its way to Graham and Sasha, meaning that Not!Rose can't stay around forever. But like...I don't know, I think they could've done more? Like, this statement takes place in 1994, while Across the Street is in the mid-2000s. Sure, more people might have gotten replaced between that time, but based on what we currently have, I think it would've been interesting if Lucy...let Not!Rose stay around in hopes of having a better relationship with her mother, because that would've felt just as fucked up as the paranormal stuff, and would also create a trend of the protagonist being morally questionable in NotThem statements. (Looking at you, Amy "it's not stalking it's people-watching" Patel.) But hey, I'm still more than satisfied with what we got, and there's definitely some morbid comedy in Lucy being like "you're way too nice to be my real mom." Well uh...tangent aside, back to the plot.

So, for the next couple of hours Lucy goes through the typical NotThem awareness experience. You know, feeling like the entire world is trying to gaslight you into thinking you're a gaslighter, being extremely creeped out by the person you don't recognize, questioning the fate of the person you do recognize, overall an average Thursday in the UK. After a while, Lucy excuses herself in order to call the police, but when she does...she sees a collection of family photos on the walls. And as expected, all of them show Not!Rose, clearly not being staged due to a crease on one picture, which Lucy recalls accidentally sitting on during a car journey when she was a child. What was initially weird to me though was how...Lucy mentions Not!Rose aging throughout the pictures. I found this odd, because I recalled that a picture of teenage Graham showed a boy that looked nothing like Not!Graham, making me assume that The NotThem was only capable of editing pictures or recordings that were taken somewhat recently, or at the very least maintained enough of the original person's features. Thankfully, we do get an explanation as to why that picture of Graham didn't change later on, and it's not related to age, so...it's just good to know that The NotThem isn't beyond that capability. Anyways, Lucy starts freaking out. She pulls out a family photo album, and sits down with Not!Rose and her father, frantically flipping through the pages for hours as the former looks on with mocking amusement, not finding a single picture of the real Rose Cooper. She asked after some neighbors who had known George and Rose since they moved in, but they said that Rose had...always looked like she supposedly did now. However, when Lucy went to visit a kindly vicar named Neil Angus at the Church of St. Peter's, she found something interesting. He said the same thing as George and the neighbors, but said that Rose had a fall outside the church roughly a week ago, and that...even though she was fine in the end, her scream was like nothing he'd ever heard. ...Given what happened to Sasha in Infestation, I feel confident saying I know what he means by that. But...I feel like I should address one of the strangest aspects of this episode now. As I'm sure most people noticed at this point, this is the first episode with The NotThem that doesn't include that stupid fucking table. Based on Not!Sasha's conversation with Jon in High Pressure, not only did I come to the conclusion that there was only one NotThem, which Gertrude confirms here (that has nothing to do with my point here, I'm just saying HA HA I WAS RIGHT), but from my perspective, she implied that she was trapped by the table in some sort of way. This leads me to believe that originally, The NotThem was able to roam entirely freely, but at some point in between 1994 and 2005, it got trapped inside the table, and can only attack those who get close to it, with Breekon and Hope acting as its couriers. You could maybe say that the table was behind the church, but like...I'm sure Mr. Angus would've mentioned that if it really was there, and also, a table behind a church...I don't know, that just sounds really dumb and not aesthetically pleasing to me for some reason. Disregarding that though, I think the most important takeaway from this whole thing is that The NotThem wasn't connected to the table from birth, meaning that my idea that it was somehow the combined souls of all the dead Hill Top Road children looking to regain some semblance of identity is...most likely incorrect. I do also have to question...who or what even got The NotThem trapped in the first place? Given how Raymond, a likely servant of the spiders, was seemingly using its power, I'd have to assume it was probably done by someone of his caliber. Oh god....and that's without questioning where either the table or The NotThem even come from to begin with, how the table got removed from Hill Top Road in the first place, how ANYTHING AND ANYONE IN THIS WORLD EVEN WORKS....I need a drink, badly.

Ok, uh...going forward. So, after talking to Mr. Angus, Lucy goes home and confronts her "mother" about the fall, to which Not!Rose responds with...saying she had a "bit of a funny turn". ...You son/daughter/gender neutral offspring of a bitch, that is some cruel-ass wordplay. Ultimately, Lucy leaves Somerset, but when she does...she comes to a realization. She listens to the tape recordings that she made of her conversations with her mother, and finds that the voice of the original Rose is still on them. ...Oh boy. So, I honestly completely forgot that Not!Sasha had stolen all of the tapes with Sasha's voice on them, but...this not only reminds me of it, but seemingly confirms that she didn't necessarily steal them to learn more about Sasha...but because Sasha's voice can still be heard on them. Granted, given where Jon is at right now, I don't think it matters whether or not he finds the tapes, since...he's definitely already figured it out, but it's nice to finally get some confirmation that the tapes work like that. However...I don't actually think that this shows us anything wrong with the tapes at the institute. Not only because Lucy's tapes function the same, but because Gertrude also mentions that polaroids function in the same way, which actually explains why that picture of teenage Graham shows his original self, because it was apparently a polaroid. ...The amount of stuff that must have been planned in advance for this podcast is insane. Like, all of that was in EPISODE 3, that's still so insane to me. Now, tapes and polaroids share something in common, and that is of course the fact that they are rather old and primitive ways of recording audio and images respectively. This has led me to the assumption that The NotThem might be on...the younger side of all of the freaky creatures we've seen so far, and might not be naturally adapted to change older, or maybe even newer recordings of things. I'm sure there's a bit more to it...but that's the best guess as to why these forms of recording evade its clutches for the time being. And who knows, this knowledge could be very important if there's another significant storyline involving this thing. Ultimately though, Lucy decides to give one of the tapes to the institute, and show the rest to her father, hoping that it'll get him to believe her, while also coming to terms with the fact that...this is probably the only way she'll ever hear her mother's voice again, which is a really great metaphor for grief. I think that part is where the familial connection really shines for me, even though Lucy and Rose are not on good terms, and understandably so...this is the most personal instance of The NotThem so far, with the obvious exception of Not!Sasha, but...that's more personal to the audience in my opinion, and up until very recently, it's been personal in the "oh god they have no idea" sort of way, since only Melanie has noticed, and she wasn't SUPER close to Sasha. Well...there's also Elias and Micheal, but who knows what's even up with that. Unfortunately though, two days after the statement, George Cooper was found to have died from a gas leak which was totally not intentional...and the being calling itself Rose Cooper was never seen again. ...Damn. Overall, a fantastic story. I thought it was a really creepy and clever spin on a pre-existing concept, a great way to keep the main story moving forward while sticking to the format of statements, and...yeah, it was just great! But of course, this is a Gertrude tape...which means we can't finish things off without being confused.

Ok, before I get into...everything, I should make something clear. So, you know how I get sent into rabbit holes by the most random, probably not-all-that-crazy things that show up? Well wouldn't you know it, that happened again. There is...one specific thing that Gertrude says that sent me in some wild directions, like, literally a single line. I'm just going to dance around that for the time being, go over everything that's said by her and Jon, and THEN talk about it. For now...Jesus Christ this old woman. I...absolutely love her, she is one of the coolest characters in the show, but her presence is terrrifying and her words are vague. Just like...every time I feel like I'm getting somewhere, this in-universe loremaster comes along and just...paints the walls red with information. She is everything, she knows everything, and yet I know NOTHING. So um...what does she say? Well, she mentions that there was apparently another statement regarding The NotThem that she read before this one, though likely not on tape. The statement was submitted on July 6th, 1991 by a man named Adelard Dekker, who seemingly named the creature, and based on what Jon proclaims at the end of the episode, it definitely seems like that'll be the next episode. ...I'm not getting a moment of respite for a while, am I? You know, I once heard that Season 3 is apparently really intense. ...Does that imply that...this ISN'T intense?! HELLO?! Anyways, It's also said that this statement is where Gertrude learned about how polaroids aren't affected, so that gives us at least a little bit of preliminary information. Gertrude also says that she feels content knowing that The NotThem sows chaos...apparently without any motive, and that it would be much worse if it had a purpose. I'll touch on this a bit more later, but...I'm concerned by what that implies. Like...huh? Why is that a problem? I mean, Micheal doesn't seem to have much of a motive beyond wanting to fuck things up, and he's pretty dangerous. But now that I think about it...do we even know what anyone's motives even are? Like, we have a sense of...goals here and there, but even that's pretty sparce. There's a bunch of people doing some truly horrific shit, but...we really don't know why, and based on what Gertrude says here...maybe it's better off that way? But like...nowadays, we have Breekon and Hope transporting The NotThem around via the table, so...does that have a purpose at all? Maybe? Maybe not? I....UUUUGGGHHHH EVERYTHING SHE SAYS IS SO VAGUE!!! Anyways, the...almost final thing she says is that she's destroyed the tape Lucy provided, as she doesn't want to draw The NotThem's attention. A bit dissapointing, since I would've loved to hear Lucy and Rose's voices, but I guess it's understandable. It...does concern me to see further proof that Gertrude was not above making enemies of powerful forces though. Like, if she thought there was a possibility of her getting replaced, that is not a good sign. ...Okay, I need to get this off my chest, are we SURE that she didn't get murdered by an eldritch monster, or just straight up one of ✨the horrors✨? Like, I know Jon thinks a human murdered her, and I know his top suspect is the person in the tunnels, and I know that person is confirmed to be a male-presenting human, but...really? Sure, I know she was shot, but like...I literally just made a theory on why one of ✨the horrors✨ was war incarnate, and said incarnation of war literally opened up a random bullet wound in a guy's head, I don't think eldricth gods are beyond using weapons anymore. (This isn't to say I think The Piper killed Gertrude, I think that's quite a stretch, but like...you get the point.) But stuff like that, combined with everything she's been saying and doing...man, I don't know. There are some good human candidates, but I am REALLY starting to suspect other things. Then again...this entire arc is about a monster that pretends to be a human, so...maybe she was killed by both? I...I really don't know. Gertrude Robinson, you are an absolute enigma.

Ok, so what about Jon? How's he doing? ...How do you think. The tagline of Season 2 might as well be "This guy does not sound like he is in a very good condition", and I regret to inform you that despite all of his attempts to get better, this...might just be the worst state he's ever been in. Although granted, I think it's actually pretty fair this time. Now that I think about it...I have not bullied this man for his antics in a while, have I? Either he's getting better, or I'm sinking down to his level. Oh, and on the note of bullying him...I think the YouTube comment section deserves this man a formal apology. Look, this podcast has a surprisingly great comment section, for the most part it's really civil and intelligent. But...some people really have grinded my gears with how they've treated Jon. Sure, I poke fun at him here and there, but when it comes to Not!Sasha...really? Like, for some reason, everyone gave him so much shit for not noticing what was going on with her, and I see that as either a lack of fact-checking how The NotThem works, getting way into a fandom joke to the point where it starts to affect your media literacy towards a character, or both, and frankly, all of those options suck. It's far from that big of a deal..I just needed to get it off my chest, because it's a bit of a nuisance. Well, disregarding all of that....my poor guy :(. Jonny continues to absolutely astound me with his delivery, the part where he cuts himself off before he can say "how it kills" when referring to The NotThem, and you hear him choking up as he slowly comes to the realization that...Sasha has been dead for over half a year, and he's been none the wiser the entire time...it really got to me. It's...kind of setting in to me how tragic the whole scenario is as well. I don't have much more to say about the tragedy behind her death that I didn't say in my final post on Season 1, but...I've spent so much time worried about Not!Sasha, worried about what she's planning, that I feel like I never really took the time to properly grieve the loss of a character who, despite having a very sparse number of scenes, I quickly grew attached to. And I feel like that's intentional. The NotThem would WANT me to forget Sasha, and I think the reveal that it's motiveless, that I shouldn't have been worried about its plans, that it'll just leave after a while and replace someone else...it makes it sting so much more. This thing is a truly evil creature, through and through. Rest in peace Sasha James, I hope that wherever you are, you've learned how to pronounce "calliope". And as much as I hate to say "well anyways"...going back to Jon, he says that he plans to find the statement from Adelard Dekker...and then find out how to kill The NotThem, clearly without any intention of taking anyone else's help. Oh. dear. god. You know how I said I wanted the archival assistants (minus one, obviously) to come back? Yeah, well...we need Martin and Tim more than ever now! Not Elias though, he's either useless or sketchy to me. If that doesn't work...well, I know Basira wants out, but like...she'd also be really helpful right now! But either way, just...PLEASE be careful Jon. You literally just met someone in a near identical headspace to you, and admitted that her chances of survival are slim, CAN YOU JUST LEARN TO READ THE ROOM PLEASE?! I...get the feeling he's going to come out of this with...whatever the Season 2 equivalent of his worm scars are, and I don't like that. But uh...that's the end! Or...at least it would be the end, if it wasn't for that one line. That. single. line. That thing Gertrude said that sent me into some dangerous ass waters. So what is that line, hm?

"Personally, I suspect it to be an aspect of The Stranger, though that's entirely conjecture at this point." - Gertrude Robinson, 1996

...COULD YOU CARE TO ELABORATE MA'AM?! Oh god...I am so, SO tired... So of course, as this is one of the final episodes of the season we just...CAN'T leave without a line that drives me up the goddamn wall. So...the main thing of interest that Gertrude mentions here is "The Stranger." Now, I'm pretty certain that the word "stranger" has shown up here and there before, and I have a hunch that the word "the" has done the same, which I know might seem like a stretch but stay with me, but...this time it's capitalized. Meaning that "The Stranger" is a tangible, relevant, in-universe concept, that we have never heard of before. And Gertrude just HAPPENS to know what it means, because of course she does. I have...two interpretations of what exactly The Stranger is. One of these theories is shorter and simpler, but more logical and likely, while another is a bit more of a stretch that relies on other theories, but is much longer, complicated, and...for me at least, a fair bit more interesting. Let's start out with the former.

So, what is another "The (Something)" that's capitalized? ...Ok that was very specific, my point is, a term similar to "The Stranger" in this way is "The End", something that also sounds like an abstract concept, but is talked about as if it's an actual thing that exists. Basically...it's because of the way it's talked about that I've deemed "The End" as a member of ✨the horrors✨, and logically, the same should therefore go for "The Stranger". Now, since...I think the episode Still Life, I've deemed Not!Sasha, and by extension The NotThem as a whole, to be connected to a number of other beings, all of which had some sort of involvement with The Trophy Room taxidermy shop. The first of these beings was The Anglerfish, along with its supposed servants, so like, Sarah Baldwin, Daniel Rawlings, and presumably the other three who went missing on Old Fishmarket Close. Not only did Not!Sasha eagerly volunteer to go to The Trophy Room herself to meet with Daniel, but she shares a lot of similarities with The Anglerfish's people, namely the fact that they are all rather odd people who seemingly kill and replace their victims, but take on appearances entirely different from that original person. They aren't entirely the same, since Sarah and Daniel have an odd association with skin and taxidermy, and also don't seem to have the same mind-altering abilities as The NotThem, but there's enough similarities there regardless. Another being...s it's connected to are Breekon and Hope. Not only do they have some sort of partnership with The Trophy Room, but they were also the people who delivered the table, and by extension it, to the institute, and were even seen traveling with...who is presumably Tom, Not!Sasha's boyfriend, during the incident that put Daisy in Section 31. And finally, there's The Other Circus. Or....Another Circus? The Circus of The Other? Whatever, there's a lot of weird names for this thing. Admittedly, their involvement with Still Life is pretty tangential, only seen via the fake tiger from Tightrope being kept in The Trophy Room, but like...still, Breekon and Hope worked with them for a time, and all of these beings have this...weird association with being fake as well. The NotThem, The Anglerfish and it's people all seem to be monsters that pose as human, Breekon and Hope are uncannily similar, while also getting very little visual description and speaking in a really weird way, the people they've traveled with are also very indescript, ad everything about The Other Circus, from its performers to its animals to its damned audience, is fake. So with all of that in mind, I think it makes a ton of sense to say that all of these things serve the same member of ✨the horrors✨, and that said member of ✨the horrors✨...might just be called "The Stranger"! Which honestly feels super fitting! Anglerfish is as much of a lesson in stranger danger as it is an anti-smoking PSA, same goes for the "John" we meet in Do Not Open, and "Tom" as well, The NotThem, Sarah and Daniel are all fake, unrecognizable people...at least to some, Breekon and Hope are creepy delivery men who show up out of nowhere, and I mean...a traveling Russian circus that wasn't controlled by the Russian government in the 50s? So like...weird strangers who show up in your town out of nowhere? Yeah, "The Stranger" fits all of them perfectly. And if you go with the idea I proposed in Thought for the Day, of all of ✨the horrors✨ being fear incarnate, then they work really well with the fear of being deceived or gaslit, or like...fear of unreality, I guess. Honestly...I think this is a very solid theory! I would be extremely happy if I was proven right here, I think it works really well, it could be executed fantastically given the combination of themes under one idea, and it would also mean I...finally have a name for whatever the hell these things connect to! But....even though this is already great progress in terms of theorizing...I will admit...I just HAD to take this one step further. I am...so sorry.

Let me be very clear: I don't think I'm right here. I wouldn't call this theory implausible at all, I think it overall has a pretty solid collection of evidence and would work really well. But ultimately, it all comes down to the fact that I think the former theory, the one where "The Stranger" refers to one of ✨the horrors✨, works a lot better overall. That one feels like...at the very least, something the podcast wants me to consider as a possibility, and it's built more off of connections that near indesputably exist, and honestly, I can't see many holes in the argument, nor do i think it really requires me to rethink anything I've already proposed in the past, it just expands on things. This one is a lot more out there, a lot more self-indulgent, there's probably more holes in it, and it would require me to rethink how I view ✨the horrors✨...quite a bit, which...I REALLY don't want to have to do until the podcast explains things, at least for now. And that's why I'm just saying that...take it with a grain of salt. It's not Micheal-theory levels of crazy, (although Micheal is involved in it, because of course he is), but honestly, I am just as, if not more content with the other theory, and for the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to stick with that one until something else comes up, whether that be validation, deconfirmation, or anything that puts me in a different, more logical direction. That being said...this theory was just...way too much fun for me to not talk about anyways. Ok, enough dawdling, what even is this theory? Well...here's the thing. You see, one thing that weirded me out about that line from Gertrude was how she called The NotThem an..."aspect" of The Stranger. When it comes to ✨the horrors✨, I've always thought of the things that connect to them, but aren't actually the real deal as...servants, devotees, cultists, that sort of thing. Sure, The NotThem is more of a monster that a human cultist, but...I still found that wording weird. It makes "The Stranger" sound less like some sort of eldritch god, and more like...a concept, a term that refers to a specific category of something. I mean, I have suggested that ✨the horrors✨ are literally fear incarnate, so...they could be both eldritch gods and abstract concepts for all I know, but...just hear me out for a second. I'm well aware this is a major stretch, but...what if "The Stranger" isn't one of ✨the horrors✨ at all? What if it's something entirely different, a larger category of...things, still freaky monsters, but ones that function a lot differently? ...Oh boy, here we go. So, another wording choice that came from Gertrude that weirded me out was the part where she refers to The NotThem as "reality-bending." I'm like...80% sure I'm reading into nothing here, but like...why not use a term like "mind-bending" or "memory-altering" instead? "Reality-bending" still works...but it seems a bit grandiose, maybe not as concise. So um...I'm sure you're aware about my theory that all of tma is basically one big simulation, or something adjacent. I'm not going to recap all of it, since it would take WAY too long, but like...refer back to my thoughts on Binary, Thought for the Day, and Fatigue if you want the entire theory so far. The basic rundown is that I think the entire world of tma might be somewhat artificial, and that Thought for the Day is like...a smallscale version of the entire lore. I think the world of tma might have been built as an experiment into human fear, and that all of ✨the horrors✨ are...literally manmade beings made to do...something with that fear, and they often "mark" those who experience enough of said fear. But that aside...the main importance this theory holds to my Stranger theory here comes from Fatigue. With that episode, I suggested that Lydia Halligan had somehow...seen the cracks in the simulation, and that it was probably due to our beloved blond boy, Micheal! Yes...he's back. I avoided talking about him with the last episode, so I think I've earned this one.

I basically suggested that Micheal was a...sort of virus in tma's code, since it paired really well with his whole "not making sense, the door was never there before" thing, would explain is relative neutrality outside of his desire to fuck with people, the insane knowledge he holds, and how and why exactly he did...what I think he did to Lydia. ...Ok why am I even telling you this, that episode summary is in this exact same post. Although it's...actually been nearly two weeks since I wrote that. ....It's been slow lately, but I digress. But um...if you recall some of my earlier theories from Season 2...you may know where I'm going with this. You see, I've suggested that there's a lot of similarities between The NotThem (specifically Not!Sasha) and Micheal in the past, and while I've kind of drawn back on that in recent times...I want to look at it again. Some similarities and connections include:

- Micheal and OG Sasha having some notable connections. Admittedly this means like….nothing on a fundamental text level, but it…might have some thematic relevance, I don’t know.

- Both of them are spindly figures who are…kind of human but also not really, and pose as more human than they actually are.

- Micheal is one of the few people who are able to see through Not!Sasha’s facade. This…could just be a result of him having more knowledge than most for some entirely unrelated reason, but…let me dream.

- The two of them have different, yet VERY similar static noises that play whenever they’re in the room.

- THE. GOD. DAMN. TABLE. I do definitely think that the pattern on it is more likely to be a spiderweb, given Raymond Fielding’s possession of it (actually…do you think Not!Sasha was trying to kill all of those spiders in the tunnels?), but like…Jon CALLS it a fractal at one point, and Micheal is heavily associated with those, there’s NO way that doesn’t mean…something. Maybe the pattern is just some abstract thing that can be interpreted either way, I don’t know, but there’s…something going on there.

Ok, so overall, my evidence isn't super airtight, but firstly...I did warn you, and secondly, it's enough to give me some brainworms. (teehee...Jane reference.) So...with all of this flimsy, yet interesting evidence in mind...here's what I'm thinking. What if, much like what I think Micheal might be...The NotThem is some sort of invasive virus in the code. And therefore, "The Stranger" is not the name for one of ✨the horrors✨, but instead a term that refers to all things that are not supposed to exist in the artificial world of tma, a different kind of horror. It doesn't mean stranger as in "stranger danger" it means stranger as in "stranger than the other weird shit". Because like...think about it! There's this thing running around, seemingly without any discernable identity or...even genuine existence (which is...VERY unreality-core), that another supposed member of ✨the horrors✨ has went out of its way to imprison, and like...it also has no discernable motive out of sowing chaos and disrupting things? Because not only is that really similar to what Micheal seems to be like, but it also fits PERFECTLY with the idea of a virus, it's disrupting the intended experiment set up by...whatever set up this theoretical simulation! And like...this brings up so many other things! I said I'd mention my thoughts on...how certain people can see through The NotThem earlier, and if my first theory regarding The Stranger is correct, then it's...basically what I've already proposed in the past. Either The NotThem chooses to reveal itself to random people in order to make them look crazy for shits and giggles (which would also work pretty well with this theory to be honest), or...people notice it due to certain experiences. I already mentioned Melanie's encounter with Sarah Baldwin as potential reason for her seeing through Not!Sasha, but maybe Amy saw through Not!Graham because she saw The NotThem enter his window, and Lucy saw through Not!Rose because of her studies into changelings, I don't know, that could work. But if THIS theory is to be believed...then maybe The NotThem is doing what I think Micheal did to Lydia, showing them the cracks in the code. And like...if you frame The NotThem as "taking their place", then maybe it's not actually killing them, but rather setting them free from the simulation, which is also fitting for an external virus that seeks to mess with the status quo! Then maybe Sasha, Graham and Rose are still alive! And...maybe "death" works a little bit differently than I thought...oh god, I'll uh...I'll touch on that in my supplemental.

And this might also give some better insight into the spiders as well. If they, or someone serving them, are responsible for trapping The NotThem in the table, then maybe that implies that they are adamant on keeping the status quo in check, basically the...eldritch IT guys of this universe. I mean, the spiders do have this whole association with control going on, and it would explain why Thought for the Day, which I believe to be a small-scale version of this whole theory, was focused on them specifically. It also really gets me thinking about the knowledge and motives of someone like Raymond Fielding, and also...how the hell The Cult of The Lightless Flame could play into all of this. If they seek to destroy the spiders, then maybe THEY are also similar to Micheal and The NotThem, beings who seek to break the code by burning it to ash, although...that would make the power they serve an aspect of "The Stranger" as well....and potentially the powers of other cults that are similar like The Divine Host....and then like...maybe that means the "struggle" Micheal described is a lot more...one on one than I initially assumed? But like...that would require me to almost entirely rethink my list of ✨the horrors✨ on a moment's notice, and like...how they connect to each other...and I don't have the time or energy to do that right now and....AADGADVADVGADGVADGVADVDDAA. You...you can see why I'm proclaiming this is...kind of a crack theory, right? Like, not a jokey crack theory like the Micheal one , I'm decently serious about it, but...I'm ultimately going to put this one in the bank until I have more evidence, because it's just...a lot less mentally taxing and complicated if I stick with my initial interpretation of The Stranger, and there's stronger evidence, and it doesn't require me to rethink a bunch of other stuff, and...yeah, you get the idea! ....hopefully. ...please? Well um...anways, there is one other thing I feel is important regarding this theory, and that's Gertrude's involvement with it. I feel like if this theory is somehow true, then it could explain why Gertrude says The NotThem not having any motivations or purpose makes it less dangerous than things that do. If this theory is to be believed, then ✨the horrors✨ have some level of purpose, as they're intentionally built into the simulation in order to carry out some sort of fear experiment, while this interpretation of "The Stranger" is an external virus that only exists to fuck things up. If we assume that ✨the horrors✨, and the simulation as a whole is the main threat, then...maybe that would make things like Micheal and The NotThem less dangerous by proxy. I mean, I STILL think they aren't exactly...friendly by any means, but...who knows, maybe there's no true heroes in this scenario. I should also address Gertrude calling The NotThem "reality-bending" one more time. Because you might think that by using "reality", it implies that...this can't be a simulation. But...I'd have to disagree. Gertrude is obviously very intelligent, and I think it's possible for her to know that there are beings who can break through and corrupt the foundations of the world she lives in, know that they are different from other horrific forces that are actually meant to be there, and even have a term used to refer to those sorts of things, that being "The Stranger". It's just...she might not have been at the level of knowledge to the point where she knew the world she lived in isn't actually real. To her, maybe The Stranger refers to like...aliens from outer-space coming to Earth or something adjacent, when it actually refers to beings from the real world coming into the simulation. If the world even really is a simulation, then I think that Gertrude...didn't know about it, at least at this point in time. Maybe she did learn eventually...and maybe that's what got her killed OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!! Ok, WAIT. NO. NO MORE THEORIES FOR NOW. STOP IT.

Well...uh...thank you so so much if you've managed to make it this far. God just...what am I even doing anymore? How did we get from "yeah I liked this episode :)" to...this? I dread to think about what state I'll be in once I get to the end of the entire podcast, god...ONLY on Season 2?! But at the same time...ALREADY on Season 2?! Like I said, take that second theory with a grain of salt, I think it's interesting and I would be super happy if it was proven even somewhat true (well...provided it happens at a time where I know more, I...really don't want to have to manually reorganize my list of ✨the horrors✨ now...), but I am more than content to stick with my first theory, where "The Stranger" refers to one of ✨the horrors✨ instead. God it's just...it's going to be so funny no matter what the result is. It'll be hilarious if this is somehow right, but it'll also be hilarious if I broke my fingers while typing for absolutely nothing. I just...oh boy I need to sit with this one. There's probably so much I neglected to mention with everything that's going on in my head...but I hope I was able to get all the relevant stuff down. See you next time...I guess I could say that I hope for something more chill, but...yeah, in my dreams. (Oh also this episode ended with Jonny doing the credits again instead of Alex? I’m not sure if that has any significance or not? Maybe it’s meant to represent…Martin’s distance from Jon? Uuuuuuhhhhh I don’t knowwwwww)

Supplemental (oh god why): OK I SWEAR THIS'LL BE SHORT STAY WITH ME. Just...a couple of additional thoughts, ok? Firstly, I just realized how tma really likes to give voices to...the weirdest statements imaginable. Like, Dr. Elliot, Tessa, and Karolina all get to be voiced characters, and their statements are among the biggest "what the fucks" in the entire show. I just thought it's worth appreciating that Rusty Quill...certainly has their priorities in order. Also...I just wanted to briefly bring back that whole death thing I mentioned earlier. It's pretty simple really, I think there's a possibility that if the world is simulated, death just means...getting sent back to reality. This comes partially from The NotThem, but mostly from Personal Space. I've also cited that as potential foreshadowing for the simulation idea, since I think Carter and the other astronauts were in fear experiment simulations...possibly within the simulation, it's kind of a combination of two theories. And if you recall, Carter...at the very least got off Daedalus by starving himself, so...maybe that foreshadowes how death works in this universe? But it also makes me think about how "The End" might work. On one hand, it has associations with death, so maybe it functions like The NotThem where it frees people...but on the other hand, it's been shown to keep people immortal on like...four seperate occasions so far, at least I think, so...yeah, I think I'll consider this one of ✨the horrors✨ no matter which theory I go with, especially because unlike Micheal and The NotThem, it's never made an in-person appearance. I also do kind of wonder how the technology horror idea would work in this scenario though...like, maybe Sergey Ushanka is supposed to represent early test subjects who were put into the simulation, or maybe he...IS one? Like, the techonology wasn't as advanced, so it had a much more mentally taxing effect? ...I don't know, those are...those are just some thoughts. Damn, the contrast between the Micheal theory and the simulation theory is wild. The first one is stupid in a funny way, but...I feel like this one is stupid in a dumb way, god. ...THIS ALL STEMMED FROM ONE FUCKING LINE OF DIALOGUE!!!! ONE!!!!

- Episode 78, Distant Cousin 🪓

Statement of Lawrence Moore, regarding something that was not his cousin.

Oh. my. god. I'm just. I. I. I have. No words. Ok that's a lie I obviously have a lot of words but. I just. I. ....wow. I um...I definitely...was expecting something to happen here, it's just...I didn't expect that. All things considered, I figured that much like Lost and Found, this episode would naturally segue into the likely two-part finale, and while it certainly did...I was NOT expecting to get what is both the rawest and most infuriating series of scenes in the entire podcast so far. You see, the biggest takeaway from this episode is that's it's remarkably easy to buy an axe in Central London. Now, I'd take that to mean that I should probably stay away from Central London, but...but JON. No no no no no, he...he took a different approach after recieving that information. I just. ....wwwwwwwwwwwWHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHAT WAS THAT?! WHY WAS THAT SO GOOD WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHERE DID?! HUH?! YOU CAN'T JUST DO ALL OF THAT TO ME I-AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! ...Ok, I'll stop. If I wanted to, this entire section could just be me doing incoherent screams, much like I was when I first listened to the episode (the way I started running laps around the room when...you-know-who showed up again), but for everyone's sake, I'm not going to do that. This episode...was absolutely fantastic, yeah. Obviously it was. It's...honestly incredible that this final quarter hasn't had a single episode I haven't vibed with so far. But just....WOW. Obviously I'm most insane about everything that happened after the statement, but the main plot of the episode was still super endearing, helping to make more sense of the timeline surrounding The NotThem, while also setting up some very interesting plot threads in the process. And then when we get to the end of the entire episode...I mean, you'll hear my thoughts soon enough. Because boy oh boy, do I have them. There's...uh...there's definitely quite a bit to say, I don't think I have too many huge theories, but uh...let's just get into it. ...My ensuing dread towards whatever lies in the next two episodes has not been eased, I'll say that much.

Edit: Ok uh...this has become an exceptionally long one. Just um...just brace yourselves. What I'm about to say isn't like...super groundbreaking theories or anything, it's just...a lot. There's a lot.

So, before the statement even starts, there's already some notable things to cover. Firstly, before he begins reading, Jon ends up muttering "I...er...we...we didn't", before cutting himself off, and beginning the statement in an...understandably stressed tone that I don't think we've heard since...the first episode of the season, I think. For the time being, I think the meaning behind Jon's mutterings are open to interpretation, I personally see them as a sign of him realizing how no one in the archives ever noticed Not!Sasha's true identity, but...that's just my interpretation of the few words he says here. Either way...his stress in this scene made me sad :(. Well, that aside, when he starts reading the statement....the statement's existence ends up being quite a surprise. While it does follow the story of The NotThem, managing to give us some of the last pieces of its relevant lore, it is not the statement that Gertrude teased in the previous episode. (Also side note, I forgot to mention that The Kind Mother is...probably the last Gertrude tape we'll get this season, a bit of a shame, but I'm sure they'll come back in Season 3.) The statement she teased was one given by Adelard Dekker, the man who named The NotThem in the first place, but when Jon opened the file for his statement, he surprisingly found one from Lawrence Moore instead. Now, I'm not too interested in why this file was kept in the one where Dekker's statement should've been, since...given what happens in the statement, it's pretty obvious as to why it's here, but I'm more curious as to why....whoever did this felt the need to put it there, and more importantly...where Dekker's statement actually is now. My personal hypothesis is that it was likely stolen by the person in the tunnels (holy shit the chances of learning their identity are higher than they've ever been right now PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE), as not on;y have they been shown to steal files from the archives, but they are...probably pretty aware of Not!Sasha given her own expeditions into the tunnels, with Jon outright saying that he thinks the two are familiar with one another. Alternatively, maybe The NotThem itself stole it, since it did a similar thing with the tapes, and...well, given the lore of this episode, it would have good reason to get rid of any and all information provided by Adelard Dekker, especially if it concerns itself. The thing is though...why is Lawrence Moore's statement in there? Sure, it had obvious connections to Dekker, and might even have more relevant information concerning The NotThem given the later date, but...someone likely put it there. And given how a lot of people, myself included, think that Gertrude's strange organization tactics were done for a purpose, likely her wanting to make sure that her successor had all the information they needed easily accessible in the face of a bunch of fake statements...I kind of wonder if Dekker's statement went missing when she was still around, and she put this statement in its place. This could mean that neither The NotThem or the person in the tunnels are responsible for this statement's disappearance...or that the latter has been farting around in the institute for a long-ass time. Either way, given how it has a named case number, and how Adelard is...certainly an intriguing character, I have no doubt that his statement will be retrieved soon enough. Or who knows, maybe it's still in the archives and just...horribly misorganized, but until I get answers...I'm intrigued by its absence. And I mean...if there's still one statement regarding The NotThem...who knows if we'll even be done with this thing by the end of Season 2. ...OH SHIT there's an actual statement in this episode, right.

So uh, yeah, in the absence of Adelard's statement, Jon comes across the story of Lawrence Moore, which thankfully (well, I say thankfully, but...given what happens because of him reading this statement...maybe I shouldn't) contains more information on The NotThem. I will say that my one...somewhat notable gripe with this episode is that, in my opinion, it has the weakest utilization of The NotThem so far. Not!Graham had a really interesting dynamic with Amy Patel and OG Graham, as well as the benefit of coming first, and therefore being the most shocking. Not!Rose had a very interesting moral dilemma and change in personality, and Not!Sasha is...well, she's Not!Sasha, I don't need to explain why she's special. This episode's NotThem, known as Not!Carl, on the other hand...doesn't really do a ton that hasn't been seen before, outside of some very minute little things. Granted, it's honestly not that big of a deal, since I think the main draw of this episode comes from its other elements, but I felt like it was worth mentioning since it's my only problem. Anyways, Lawrence Moore (who, by the way, had a voice that was...oddly a lot more similar to Jon's regular speaking voice? I feel like that might be intentional in order to demonstrate his stress, but who knows.) recently had his cousin Carl replaced by The NotThem. Now, Lawrence and Carl were never especially close during childhood, and especially adulthood. They lived somewhat nearby each other, and got along...fine, but they never saw each other that often, never had much in common, and Lawrence suspects Carl saw him as an annoyance due to his younger age. They grew even more distant as they entered adulthood, Lawrence believing that they never even spoke for more than an hour ever since he turned eighteen, and even when it turned out that the two of them didn't live far from one another...Carl never seemed keen to meet up again. Lawrence then goes into this really cool monologue, talking about how people who briefly knew you as a child think they're talking to that same child when they see you again as an adult, when in reality, that child is practically dead, replaced with a new, more grown and fleshed out person. This is obviously...very tonally fitting for the episode, and really makes me appreciate how The NotThem plays with themes like identity and...what makes us human, but it's also just a cool concept to me in general! I do often think about how....different I, and pretty much everyone is at different stages of their life, and whenever I'm told about what I was like when I was a small child by parents or older relatives...I just cannot believe that I share a body and mind with that kid. I don't know, I think it's a very interesting topic and a cool look into identity as a concept. Anyways, going back to the statement, Lawrence noticed the change when he went to his brother Adam's wedding, said brother having been noticeably closer to Carl during childhood. When Lawrence met a man he had never met before, who claimed to be his cousin...yeah, he was obviously pretty spooked. Now, I said in the previous section that I don't think the theory that The NotThem is visible to people who weren't anything more than an acquaintance to the original person holds much merit. I will concede that this episode definitely adds to the idea, but...eh, there's still enough going against it for me to say otherwise. I think I'll dispose of the idea that like...prior experiences with paranormal-ish stuff allows you to see it, since Lawrence never mentions anything weird happening before meeting Not!Carl, but I'm more than willing to go with the idea that The NotThem intentionally reveals itself to one person to make that person look crazy, since it just comes off as more and more mischievous, sadistic and unhinged as time goes on. Or...you know, if my second theory regarding "The Stranger" is true, then...simulation breaking is also still on the table. ...I swear that wordplay was unintentional, I'm so sorry.

Going back to the wedding, Lawrence starts asking around, and of course, everyone there recognized the dark haired man with yellow teeth as Carl, including his humorless father, which made Lawrence realize this wasn't some kind of sick prank. Once his aunt gave him a glare, Lawrence left the wedding. He tried to convince himself he was subject to some kind of dissociative episode, since he had been struggling at work and recently divorced himself, even thinking that if the only thing wrong with his brain was...him not recognizing a cousin he wasn't even that close to, then he probably got off lucky. But of course...it continued to eat at him late throughout the night. He knew that the man he saw was not Carl. It was about a week after the wedding that Lawrence realized a few years ago, when his grandmother had passed away, he had been handed a collection of her old photos and was asked to sort through them. They had been rotting in the attic (HOLY SHIT JANE PRENTISS REFERENCE???!!!111) ever since, but...without anything better to do, and hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could find some semblance of the cousin he knew, Lawrence went to go fetch them. As expected, most of the photos in that hot and sticky attic (of which there were many) were pictures of Lawrence and Adam, but now alongside a dark haired child where Carl should've been. All except for two, which showed the boy with light short hair that Lawrence recognized. So presumably, some of these photos were polaroids. It's nice to see that get incorporated after being teased, even though we didn't get Adelard Dekker's statement, but like...it's kind of weird to me? Lawrence suggests that one of the photos with OG Carl in it looked like it was taken moments after another photo, and that latter picture had Not!Carl in it. So like...did their grandma just switch from something more modern to polaroids in a matter of seconds? Is this some sort of sloppy crack in The NotThem's system? I'm...just going to assume that maybe one of the photos was taken by someone else, and happened to get sorted among all of the pictures taken by their grandmother, since I feel like that makes the most sense. Well, moving forward, Lawrence hears a soft knock on the door. When he answered it, he was met with the man he did not know, Not!Carl. And...this, for me at least, is where the episode transitions from something that's good yet...very standard, to something really cool.

While I still think the other three utilizations of The NotThem are a bit more clever...I will admit that I really like how terrifying it is in this scene. Not!Carl just strides into the house while Lawrence is paralyzed by fear, talking about how it would be rude to not come by when they lived so close, and then he just...sits there for the rest of the afternoon, not saying a word. Not only does this use one of my favorite aspects of The NotThem, that being the brief instances where it's willing to engage in behavior separate from the original person, but only just to the point where it's weird to the person who sees through the facade and no one else....but the whole atmosphere is so damn tense. Because like, in previous iterations of The NotThem, it's been really freaky, sure, but like...it's never done much beyond just replacing someone and...acting strange, that's about it. Hell, the stuff that Gertrude said about it at the end of last episode gave off the impression that as long as it successfully replaced someone, it was completely content until it chose a new victim somewhere else. Now, this episode disproves that in a later scene (let's just say I was...very wrong to assume that The NotThem's lack of motive meant it wouldn't hurt anyone else in the institute), but...I think its danger became apparent in this scene first. The way that Not!Carl just...sits there, staring at Lawrence with amusement, how Lawrence can never quite get a proper look at him (...very glitchy sounding to me...), but swears that his neck gets longer for a brief moment...it's all just so unnerving, and the way Lawrence's fear is described to us is absolutely perfect. And then, when Not!Carl leaves, and says "we must do this again, and soon", leaving Lawrence to cry alone....AAAAAAAAHHHHH THAT'S SO CREEPY!!! Look, The NotThem might not have the same charm or personality as other weird characters like Jane, Micheal, Mike and Agnes, hell, I kind of hate the thing with how it's just...built to ruin everything from the looks of it...but I'll be damned if it isn't one of my favorite monsters and concepts on the show. Honestly, I think the fact that it's...least like a person out of any of the freaks we've seen and/or heard of so far just adds to it, since it's the one that's most adamant on convincing people it's just a normal person. Just....wow, this is some good-ass horror. Oh, it also made me realize something really cool as well. I was looking back at Across the Street, just to make sure I hadn't missed anything relative, and had a good understanding of The NotThem's timeline, and when I did, I stumbled across a part where Not!Graham tells Amy he'll "have to return the visit someday." ...It's probably a good thing she moved if my interpretation if that line is true. Hell, maybe it's a good thing Melanie went to Amritsar for all I know! So yeah...that's a great scene and all, but it only gets better from here. This is where the episode gets very, very unique.

In the middle of the following night, Lawrence gets another knock on his door. (HOLY SHIT MICHEAL REFERENCE???!!!111) This time though, it's loud and harsh, and instead of Not!Carl, he's met by an old muscular black man with short grey hair and a stern and imposing aura, dressed in a white shirt with rolled up sleeves and a thin necktie. The man asks if Lawrence recognized his previous visitor, and as soon as Lawrence says no, he bolts into the house without a second thought, and orders him to get any photos that hadn't been changed. Out of fear or helplessness, he doesn't know, but Lawrence immediately obliges, and when he brings the photos downstairs, he decides to ask the old man for his name. He then introduces himself as...none other than Adelard Dekker. This was uh...quite the surprise honestly. I don't know...why exactly, but after last episode, I was kind of under the impression that he would be a...one time and you're done kind of character, you know? I mean, probably somewhat familiar with the paranormal if he was the guy who named The NotThem, maybe even an associate of The Magnus Institute, but like...I wasn't expecting him to be among the gallery of what-the-fucks that show up in statements given by relatively ordinary people, you know? But no, he's here, hence why this was in place of his own statement most likely, and he claims to be an "exorcist of sorts." ...Dude, if you end a claim like that with "of sorts", and exist in a series where almost everyone is vaguely suspect at best...you're not fooling anyone, I'm sorry. Suspicions aside though, Adelard starts flipping through all of the old photos, ignoring any and all of Lawrence's questions in the process, and when he finds the two unchanged photos, his lips twist into a wry and ominous smile. He tells Lawrence to follow him out into the street, and the two of them then pull a large wooden box out of his blue transit van, later carrying it inside the house. Lawrence tries to open it, and gets a brief glimpse of...dark varnished wood on the inside, but Adelard quickly slams down the lid before saying "it's not for you." ....The amount of sheer excitement and dread I got when this happened was a sight to behold. Like...that's one of the best feelings I get when listening to this podcast, the feeling of something familiar returning is such an adrenaline rush every time.

Well, while that's all exciting, if...slightly ominous, Lawrence is then instructed by Adelard to go up to his bedroom (what are you his dad), and to not leave "until it's safe." When Lawrence asks how doing so would help save Carl, Adelard quite sternly tells him that Carl is dead with little sympathy, and that this is all to prevent Lawrence from ending up like him. He stays in that room, all throughout the morning and into the afternoon, with there not being a word from Adelard. Then, at 3 PM, the exact same time Not!Carl made his visit the previous day, he hears that same soft knock on the door. The air grows heavy, an hour passes...and then Lawrence hears the most unnatural scream he's ever heard. Understandably terrified by this, he bolts out of his bedroom, but before he can leave the house...he checks the living room. And that's where we get the big reveal, the thing that nearly completes the timeline of The NotThem thus far. You know...I was certain we'd learn how it was bound to the table eventually...but I was certainly surprised, yet very elated, to see it happen ONE EPISODE after I started thinking about it seriously. Like...AAAAAAHHHHH IT'S SO EXCITING!!! I mean...I guess Jon getting that knowledge is ultimately a detriment but...we'll get to that soon enough. But in that living room, Lawrence sees Adelard, standing still with rapidly moving lips, although he can't hear any sound coming out. He sees that ever-iconic table with its intricate patterns, and in front of the table...is The NotThem in its true glory. It's long and thin with stick-like limbs, its head and shoulders are bent against the ceiling, and its face is unlike anything Lawrence had ever seen. Pulsing across the carved channels with a sickly pale light is spiderweb, and Lawrence watches as that web wraps around the grotesque creature in front of him. But as soon as he processes what's in front of him, he runs away. He doesn't return until the next morning. When he does, Adelard and his blue van are gone, the latter now replaced with an off-white one with something printed on the side. He then sees two men in overalls leave his house with Adelard's crate and OH MY GOD BREEKON AND HOPE!!! I'm honestly super glad to see them here, it would've been a shame if they didn't keep up their tradition of appearing once per post lmao. This also gives us a pretty good timeline of when they started transporting The NotThem. Although...maybe they were transporting it earlier, and they only started transporting it with the table after this? But like...if that were the case, and they were somewhat allied before this event...why would they not just destroy the table? Unless they..can't for some reason? And I doubt that The NotThem needed another being to carry it before it was bound to the table, so...huh? Unless Breekon and Hope are more interested in the table and not The NotThem? But then why was Adelard initially in possession of it? And how does that explain the weird connections between Not!Sasha and those two suggested in Still Life? I.....AAUUUGGHHHH. Look, we can at the very least say that this tells us when The NotThem was bound, by who, and when Breekon and Hope started transporting it and the table as a package deal. Either way, it's really cool to see them again! But uh...geeking out over two delivery men with an ambiguous dynamic aside, as they drive away, Lawrence returns to find the table, and the being that called itself Carl completely gone. That was the last time he saw any of those weird people, things or monsters, and when asked about his missing cousin...he just said they weren't close. ...Man, the people in this world go through just...the WORST days don't they? The UK is a cruel and unsightly place, holy shit.

So yeah, that's Distant Cousin. Well, the statement at least, I certainly have...quite a bit more to say about the episode as a whole. Yet another fantastic one all things considered. Admittedly, I...don't really have that much to say about it beyond my recap, because honestly...this is one of the first episodes in tma that feel like they wrap up a plotline. I mean, there's obviously still some stuff to unpack with The NotThem. Where it comes from, the deeper complexities of its nature, the statement of Adelard Dekker that goes over his knowledge of it, any other potential sightings of the creature, its connections to other things, and obviously...whatever happens with Not!Sasha going forward have yet to be fully resolved. But...I don't know, this episode still feels like a pretty definitive cap-off. We now have a pretty decent understanding of how The NotThem functions, how it was bound to the table and by who, and how it came into the possession of Breekon and Hope, at least alongside the table. And really, any mysteries that surround the thing...aren't really given more clarity in this episode, so those are matters for a later date. Overall, I don't have all that much to say...except for when it comes to one particular matter. That is of course, the mysterious Adelard Dekker. Adelard is...quite the perplexing and polarizing character to me. He's kind of come at a point where I'm thinking....SURELY there can't be any more important characters, right? Or at the very least, any important characters that'll show up later have been alluded to, even if they don't seem important initially. But...no. He is clearly quite the important figure, and as far as I'm concerned, he hasn't even been alluded to prior to The Kind Mother. So...what do I think of him? Well, he's very mysterious, but that doesn't mean I don't have thoughts about him. We currently know very little about his past or motivations, but what we do know is that he is...certainly familiar with The NotThem, having encountered it in some way, shape or form at least a decade before his appearance here, and giving a statement about it which we know Gertrude read. This kind of makes me wonder if Adelard was a witness to The NotThem replacing someone in his past, which honestly seems pretty likely since, like...how else would you have knowledge about it, but it's also possible that maybe he just heard about it from someone else, so...all of this is really just baseless conjecture for the moment, but I like the idea. At the very least, he's definitely familiar with ✨the horrors✨, and maybe other similar concepts depending on which theories you run with, that much is obvious based on all of the behavior he exhibits. No matter what his past with The NotThem is, he definitely understands it better than most, and given how he gave the creature...what seems to be accepted as its definitive name, at the very least by a very intelligent person who was more than familiar with the paranormal when she was still alive, I get the sense that he probably had some level of prestige in academia, maybe even being more familiar with The Magnus Institute than most, as I mentioned earlier. But now I want to adress...what he actually does in this episode.

So, yeah, it's confirmed now that Adelard is the man who bound The NotThem to the table, which is a really cool reveal! While motives for doing so remain unclear, it seems at least partially influenced by his position as an "exorcist of sorts", whatever that description...really entails up in the air. The thing is though, he's able to manipulate the power of the table, something clearly aligned with the spiders, without any external apparatus like a Leitner. The only other person who's been shown to do this is Raymond Fielding, a man who was very clearly a freaky spider person, so I'm naturally inclined to believe Adelard is also a creepy spider person much like him, along with Annabelle Cane from Thought for the Day, and the homeless woman Trevor killed in Children of the Night. Granted, he doesn't have a ton of spider-based imagery, but like...neither did Raymond really, outside of, much like Adelard, the cobwebs and his utilization of the table, so I think this checks out. But you see...that's where things start to concern me. Yes, Adelard did do something very helpful in this episode, I won't deny that, The NotThem is clearly a little bastard creature that's capable of much greater harm when not bound to the table (thank god it's there forever, right? ...right?), and he saved Lawrence's life. But outside of that...he is honestly pretty concerning to me. The whole vibe he gives off is extremely intimidating and...honestly really cold at times, Lawrence says it felt like Adelard was towering over him despite his smaller size. It also doesn't help that he's seemingly aligned with the spiders. Annabelle Cane and the unnamed homeless woman were seemingly a lot more monstrous and Jane-like in the way they're portrayed, so that leaves Raymond as the only...kind of level-headed spider person we have so far, and like...he's arguably one of the most twisted characters we've seen so far. It also doesn't help that the spiders are most prominently against The Cult of The Lightless Flame above all other factions, and while they certainly have their negative streak...I don't know, compared to a lot of other creepy factions and creatures, they're...marginally nicer, what with Arthur Nolan destroying Jane's wasp nest, and Agnes being....just a really tragic character from what we've seen. So...yeah, while it's admittedly not the best read of all time, given what little information and context clues we get on Adelard...I'm inclined to be pretty suspicious of him. He might be capable of helping people, but it might not be with the best motivations in mind. And I mean, if you go with my unlikely theory about The NotThem being a glitch in the simulated world that's freeing people in its own twisted way, and the spiders basically having the job of keeping things under control...yeah, it doesn't make him look good! And no, I don't think him giving a statement to the institute does him much favors, not only because the institute is already very sketchy in its own right, but also because we have had statements from the Season 1 antagonist, and...at least like, five people who have confessed to murder, as far as I'm concerned, any old ass can make a statement here. So...yeah, those are my thoughts on Adelard Dekker. Overall, he's a very interesting figure, if a little bit sketchy, but I'm really excited by the potential of learning more about him in the future, and I'm really happy that prominent new faces are still showing up! Although...I do actually have one more little theory regarding him, one that actually just popped into my head as I was writing this, and one that...might actually be very important with these next two episodes in mind.

Adelard...is honestly the best possible candidate for the person in the tunnels that I can think of at the moment. Like, seriously. Think about it. The little description we get of this person is very vague, but what we do know is that they are male-presenting, and middle-aged or older, both of which definitely fit Adelard. But beyond that, you know how I mentioned the idea of the person in the tunnels stealing Adelard's statement? Well...what if Adelard took his own statement? Maybe it had information in it that he doesn't want anyone to find, so he stole it, and maybe instead of Gertrude being the one who put Lawrence's statement in its place, it was him. Not to mention the fact that there's a notable abundance of spiders in the tunnels, even when compared to the rest of the institute, there's the fact that Not!Sasha has been heading down there, so like...maybe she's trying to get rid of the man who imprisoned her, and then there's the fact that...it would line up really well with where the story is now. I've already stated that I'm certain we'll learn who this person is in the finale, they were alluded to in the very first episode of the season, and more and more information surrounding them has been building up recently. So...then you have this brand new character getting mentioned for the first time in the final episodes of the season, his statement being notably missing, and everything that I just mentioned, and...yeah, I think it adds up nicely. Granted, the person in the tunnels has floor-moving abilities that we never see Adelard use, the spiders have apparently only been growing in numbers post Prentiss attack when this guy has probably been there longer (although that could be easily explained by them just…having more food now) and the description of "male and middle-aged" could probably fit a lot of characters, but...I don't know, this is really the best I've got. I think it would be pretty cool if we got to meet him in person in the finale, maybe he could help defeat The NotThem once and for all, or maybe we'd get to actually hear his statement, who knows? I'm just happy to actually have a theory regarding this person's identity, regardless of whether or not it's right, because honestly...I have had no damn clue what's been going on with this person this whole time. Like...not even an inkling, it's just been that damn vague. Although...given how Jon thinks the person in the tunnels murdered Gertrude...and the fact that I already don't trust Adelard...oh no. Well...at least her being the first one to mention him would be pretty cool foreshadowing! And you know what the funny thing is? All of that, everything that i just talked about...it isn't even the best part of the episode. That comes with the series of scenes at the end, and while I don't have many theories outside of "what the fuck is going to happen next"....I CERTAINLY have opinions. ...Despite the table being gone, I feel like it's going to haunt my nightmares even more from now on, given what...I now associate it with. (Oh, one more thing. Lawrence thinks Adelard is a Jehovah's Witness when he first sees him, so if this guy ends up being yet another little freak...just know that I am never going to let him live this down.)

Oh man. Oh. MAN. This ending. This ending is...a sight to behold. I feel like this is probably a very bold claim, but...this series of recordings, especially the final one...it might all come together to make up my favorite scene in all of tma so far. I'm serious. I mean, I'm almost certain it's at least my favorite scene outside of a statement, but that's already an extremely high bar. It's just....AAAAAAAHHHH IT'S ALL SO PHENOMENAL!!! I just...uh...here's what I think about the first recording. ...oh god. That is...deeply upsetting. This uh...it's doing a great job of showing Jon's mental state, but...man does it hurt. You know how I said that I was kind of starting to mourn for Sasha again? Well...yeah, this scene came at the best and worst possible time for me! Firstly, I love how for the past few episodes, Jon hasn't been doing his usual kind of follow-up. Usually, he talks about any external information regarding the statement that he was able to find, but here...no. He's figured out what's going on, and he's understandably much more concerned for himself and his coworkers that he is anyone in the statement, and it SHOWS. That aside though...he found the tapes stolen by Not!Sasha. Turns out they were in the desk he was rifling through the entire time, I don't entirely know why she didn't just destroy them, but...it certainly made for one hell of a scene. Hearing Jon replay the tapes, hearing Sasha's voice again...oh god it hurt like hell. Like, it's really cool and an amazing idea, but this is NOT HELPING THE GRIEVING PROCESS. I would have audibly cheered at the return of "kah-lee-o-pee" if it wasn't for the circumstances. And just...the way that Jon questions another outcome, dreadfully wondering if there was anything he could've done, if he could've been more attentive...it really hurts. It's bad enough that his coworker is dead, but it's even worse that it took him so long to notice. And then he ACTIVELY AVOIDS PLAYING THE PART WHERE SHE SCREAMS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS!!! Ugh god...why must he suffer like this, his misery is like a disease that spreads to me. And then there's the part where we once again hear Not!Sasha's "I see you"...and Jon responds with "and now I see you." ...Holy shit that is amazing dialogue. Like...wow. The scene where Not!Sasha arrives is one that lives in my head rent-free, so getting surprise payoff to it right here right now...it's an absolute stroke of genius, and a perfect way to make it clear that shit is about to go down. And I mean...it certainly does, although not in the way I expected or...really wanted. Honestly, the episode could've ended right here and I would've come out completely satisfied, but somehow....they ended it on an even higher note. I just. Why is this so damn good.

Ok, admittedly the second recording isn't like...absolute peak tma or anything, I don't think it hits quite as hard as the other two, nor do I think it would've worked as well as an ending, but like...it's still great, and I'm super glad that it was included because it makes the whole package feel a lot more complete, you know? Anyways, YAAAAAY MARTIN AND TIM WOOHOO!!! Thank god that they're back for the finale, I mean, I had very little doubt that they were going to show up, but it's still great to see them regardless. Now, I will admit that one of my main gripes with Season 2 has been...the unfortunate lack of the archival assistants. Like, they're still around a decent amount, we get to see them in a good few scenes...but I kind of feel like I don't truly know them. Don't get me wrong, I do love them, any time they show up in an episode it's absolutely fantastic, but like...beyond their basic vibes and small facts about them here and there...I just feel like I don't know them as well as I should? Like, they're supposed to be part of what you'd consider....the main cast, and they don't completely butcher that role, far from it...but I just feel like I should know more about them after nearly 80 episodes of...being aware of them. Sure, they're around in Season 2 more than they are in Season 1...but I just feel like they should be here a little bit more. Like, I have a decent idea of what's going on with them, Martin is obviously trying to hold everyone together while likely crushing on Jon, and Tim is just...absolutely done with this shit, I just wish we got to SEE that a bit more. Or I guess...hear it...you get what I mean. I mean, characters like Basira, Melanie, and even Gertrude, a character who's dead, feel like they've gotten quite a bit more development than these two, even though they...don't even work at the institute, at least not anymore in the latter's case, and one of them has only appeared in three episodes, only really being the star of two. I still love Martin and Tim for what they are, I just feel like they need...a little extra push if I'm to love them beyond just their personalities and vibes, because I don't feel like those can carry their entire characters in the long run. (Also, I don't have this problem with Elias, because I think he works best as an ominous figure in the background, and Not!Sasha because...she's a literal monster, she doesn't really need character development in my eyes.) Ok, that was a long rant, but with all of that said...I'm REALLY hoping these two get to do something cool in the finale. I felt like the Season 1 finale made massive strides for these two, it showed what...still feels like the biggest development that Martin, and his relationship with Jon have had so far, and both episodes really got me to love Tim, showing both his comedic and upset sides in full-force. So...yeah, I have high hopes for their involvement here, and I REALLY hope they don't get written out until the last second. It's especially enticing to me because if the ending of this episode is anything to go on, it seems like Martin and Tim will be separated from Jon for at least...some level of time. While that is...partially very scary, it could also provide a good opportunity for them to interact, which I would absolutely love because...I mean really, how often is Jon not in the room? I remember listening to the Martin poetry short (which I now know came out much later and probably altered my viewing experience, but as far as I know it didn't contain spoilers for anything past Season 1, and I'm already not having an average viewing experience by writing these damn posts so SHHHHHHHHH), and I really liked the dynamic that those two displayed, so...any chance to hear them just interact with each other without Jon in the room would be great. (which isn't to say I don't want Jon around, I absolutely love him of course, I'd just like to hear characters interact without him around every once in a while for the sake of shaking things up.) ...wow that was a long side tangent. Uh...what actually happens here?

Fuck, that took up and entire paragraph....why am I making these so long...ok anyways, Jon is a shit liar. He comes up to Martin and Tim saying that he's coming down with something, and that they should both take the next couple of days off since he still has "things he needs to take care of." Now, I don't think either of them believe him fully, that's clear enough from the tones of their voices, but they both display very different attitudes towards him. I think Tim realizes that something is up with him, but given that the animosity between them hasn't really died down, he's more than content to leave Jon behind. That...admittedly isn't a great look on him. Look, I feel like I'm a fairly strong Tim defender, I absolutely understood his side of things in Binary...but I feel like this is kind of...objectively wrong of him. I get why he's still mad at Jon, but like...leaving him behind when he's clearly in a vulnerable state and is likely about to do something dangerous...yeah that's...not all that good. I think it's an interesting character flaw that could be explored in really clever ways, so I'm ultimately happy to see more sides of him...it's just that said side of him isn't especially pretty. It doesn't really make me like him much less, as I said I think it strengthens the nuance of his character, which he definitely needs since he's...from my point of view, the least-fleshed out archival assistant (and also, any character who seduces cops for information and comes up with the Joe Spooky gag is at least a 9/10), but...I'd like to see him do better if possible. It also doesn't help that I feel like he disregards Jon's apology in quite a passive aggressive manner, like, I strongly doubt the cheery goodbye he gives is all that genuine after everything that's happened, but then again, I think it's not unfounded to question the legitimacy of Jon's apology, given that it's pretty out of nowhere and hidden behind some lies, and even though I personally think a part of it is genuine given how he clearly isn't happy about the distance he's created...it's still not wholly being done with the intention of righting his wrongs and getting better, he's only saying it now of all times because he needs Tim and Martin away from him...and is about to commit his craziest act in the entire story so far. So yeah, I get where Tim's coming from...but the whole situation kind of just sucks, and him just dragging Martin along didn't help either. Speaking of which, what about Martin?

Well...he continues to be the resident "poor guy" of this entire story, which is saying something given the fact that "poor guy" is an excellent way of describing the protagonist who's been in every episode. Much like we saw in the opening scene of Thought for the Day, he's still trying his best to just...hold everyone and everything together, making sure that it's all holding up well after the Prentiss attack and that the archives don't collapse in on themselves. And like...god damn, someone give him a hand, or a hug, or just anything. Right after Jon stops bullying him, he just...immediately gets saddled with being the resident institute superglue, and like....I feel really bad because he's genuinely such a sweetheart :(. Even though it doesn't seem like he fully believes Jon, he still tries to sympathize with him, offering to take him to a nearby walk-in when he mentions being ill, and then he runs out after Tim at the end in an attempt to keep them together. It's just...I feel like he's too nice for his own good, you know? He's really sweet, but it's to a detriment, and that's one of many reasons why I'm really desperate to learn more about his past, I feel like something definitely...made him this way, and that feeling applies to Jon and Tim as well, I just...yeah, his behavior here is one of many instances of something that makes me scream at the archival staff until they tell me all of their secrets, because I am getting HUNGRY for their lore. ...It also makes me really want to see Martin just...snap in the season finale. So, I've never really talked about it before since I was waiting for the opportune moment to do so, but uh...Martin has a few little weird things going on with him. Like, I've already mentioned the spider connections a couple of times, which just get more and more concerning to me as time goes on, but like...he lied on his CV, steals the tape recorders to put down his (NOT shitty and I will stand by that until the day I die) poetry, and also somehow pulled the whole worm corkscrew solution out of the deepest trenches of his brain. I don't think Martin is like this...secret manipulator villain or anything, I feel like that's a really obvious and boring card to play, and one that the podcast is above, but like...he is capable of scheming, and isn't just some shy little uwu baby. Combine that with the fact that he endured Jon's bullying throughout Season 1 (remember the time Jon sent him to investigate the Piecemeal lady? Because I do, what the fuck was his problem), and that he's now enduring just...everyone being so much less normal than him, I think he has earned the right to go ham at least once in his life. If that happens in the season finale I will jump for joy. Oh and uh...mentioning his relationship with Jon...I kind of wonder how that supposed crush is going.

It's overall been a very, VERY minor part of the season, which...I'm honestly fine with? Like, while I do wish other aspects of the archival assistants came into play more often, this B-plot is pretty lighthearted at the moment, and given where Jon and Martin are with each other...yeah, it wouldn't feel right to make it a major focus at the moment, I think more of their general dynamic needs to be fleshed out first, and also, a horror-mystery is one of the last genres where I'd want shipping to be front and center, so...yeah, I'm fine with its relative lack of presence. But that doesn't mean that I don't like it! While I think they'd be...an admittedly disastorous couple in the state they're in right now, I think it's a really funny and actually kind of sweet idea, and it could work in the future, it's just...boy does the future not seem bright. I honestly don't know if this idea will ever amount to anything, I mean, it hasn't even been stated that there's a crush going on, I'm just going on that assumption because of the poetry short, my constant need to look for queer subtext whenever I can reasonably find it, and...admittedly the fact that I've seen some fanart a few times, altthough as far as I'm concerned, I haven't been spoiled on anything, and it's been quite a while since I saw it. But like...regardless of whether it's canon or fanon, destined to succeed or destined to fail...I think it's a fun idea, which is honestly saying a lot for something that is...debatably a bully x victim ship in the early stages of the series, which I'm usually not huge on. But going on the assumption that he does indeed have a crush on Jon...I kind of wonder where this crush comes from? Maybe it's driven by...I don't know, Jon reminding him of someone from his past, maybe he's just very emotionally driven and doesn't understand it either, or in the funniest case scenario, the number one thing on Martin's mind is "I can fix him". As minor as the whole thing is...I'm invested in regardless. ...WOW this really went off the rails. I...I'm so sorry this has gotten so long, I know I said I didn't have too many theories but..god. I swear I'm almost done. Anyways, long story short, I'm really happy that Martin and Tim have come back, I hope to see more of them in the last two episodes, I'm very invested in both of them even if I wished they showed up more often, and it'll be both hilarious and deeply concerning if Elias spends yet another season finale vibing upstairs as Jon gets chased around by another eldritch monster...or two. Anyways, the recording ends with Jon apologizing to Martin and Tim, saying that they deserve the truth, but he's not losing anyone else. ...Christ that is sad. Even if Jon makes some stupid decisions here and there, (VERY IMMINENT FORESHADOWING) even if he can really struggle with proper communication...I don't doubt that he feels genuine remorse for his actions, and that despite it all, he has a good heart. ...Unfortunately he does not have a very good brain, which is embarrassing for an adult academic. So..yeah. It's...it's time for the big one. The one that I feel pretty confident in saying is my favorite directly recorded moment in the entirety of tma so far, maybe even being my favorite moment both in and out of statements, but is a masterclass of storytelling either way. But before you read my thoughts on it...just take five seconds to guess what my initial reaction to this scene was, ok? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Screaming. It was screaming. I was screaming internally, maybe even externally but if so I couldn't hear it over the sound of my internal scenes. "That was very stupid" YEAH MICHEAL I'D HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOUR CRYPTIC ASS FOR ONCE. This scene...I mean, where to begin? Well uh...the beginning. The scene starts off with Jon creepily whispering "it is remarkably easy to buy an axe in Central London" into the recorder. So, he's already setting off some serious alarm bells in my head...great. Let's just...add that line to the ever-growing shelf of tma quotes that live rent free in my head, we'll put it next to "Martin...you didn't die here, did you?" for....dumb man related reasons. Funny thing is, when I first heard this line, I was under the assumption that he was just about to...fucking decapitate Not!Sasha, especially since he said "I'll be seeing her later", and that would've already been dangerous and stupid in its own right...but now I kind of wish that was what he did. Because instead....he..oh my god. This guy...he reads a statement, and the purpose of this statement is to tell whoever reads it "hey! The NotThem is bound to the table! The table is keeping it trapped! It does not like it in there, but it is severely less likely to hurt people, and it's now basically impossible to hurt anyone who isn't within its general proximity! It can only hurt the people that the cockney delivery men want it to! Would be a shame if it somehow escaped!"...and yet, the thing he takes away from it...is that The NotThem is directly, biologically(?) connected to the table. ...So he decides to go grab an axe in broad daylight...and smash the only thing really keeping him safe from getting replaced. I just...I have no-well no I do actually have words, but WOW are they hard find. This is...by far the stupidest decision I've seen take place in the story so far, even JOSEPH RUSSO made better decisions, because at least he and other similar statement givers can be slightly excused by not being familiar with what they're dealing with. But Jon...he should not have this excuse. He has heard of The NotThem four times, one of which is an instance he is currently living through, and like...if those statements aren't enough, then maybe take a look at the Hill Top Road story?! But...no! He just decides to smash the thing in a massive fit of rage, because HE CAN"T BE TRUSTED TO HANDLE THIS SHIT ON HIS OWN. This is something evident from Season 1 honestly, because while he wasn't nearly as mentally broken there as he is now, if it wasn't for discoveries made by Martin and Sasha...he would have been eaten by worms. It's just....AAAAAUUUGHHH THIS WHOLE THING MAKES ME SO ANGRY, AND THE WORST PART IS...it's actually a very logical and clever thing to make his character do.

Like, I'm very pissed off at Jon right now (not as much as I'm scared for his life obviously), but...dammit, it's actually a fantastic part of the story. Jon's entire arc in Season 2 has been one massive downward spiral, no matter how much he tries to get better, he always finds himself deeper and deeper inside paranormal shit, something that in retrospect, was foreshadowed brilliantly by the first episode. So in all honesty, I've kind of been expecting him to do something extremely reckless and dangerous for quite a while now, but...what he ended up doing was so much more stupid than I could've ever predicted, which yeah, is a little bit frustrating, but I overall have to commend Jonny for still managing to subvert my expectations like this. I'm upset with Jon as a person...but when it comes to Jon as a character, I think it's a very logical thing for him to do, so I really like this decision. And honestly...I've seen worse. One of my least favorite tropes in horror is when characters are just made cartoonishly stupid for the sake of making bad things happen, but here...I don't know, it feels a lot more earned. Like, I do genuinely believe that this is something Jon would do given the current state of his mind and emotions, which is honestly something that tma does really well across the board. Every character feels like they're as smart as they should be, and there's a good level of diversity in terms of levels of intelligence. And I mean...god, the entire scene does go really hard. The sound of the axe hitting against the wood (which by the way, I...do admittedly find it kind of funny that something so consistently powerful and ominous was destroyed so easily), Jon's frustrated grunts that show off his sheer rage and anger at The NotThem and everything associated with it perfectly, the static noise that gets louder and louder before being eclipsed by a low scream (which like...I kind of wonder if that's supposed to be the static noise for the spiders, since all of ✨the horrors✨ seem to have their own specific sound), and then the way the noise stops as the table is destroyed, with Jon letting out an exhausted chuckle at the end...it's all really chilling, and I genuinely froze up while listening to it. It also kind of feels like...I don't know, the end of an era. From all the weird shit at Hill Top Road to post 2001 encounters with The NotThem, this table has caused so much damage...and now it's finally gone. That's obviously not a good thing overall...but I'll be damned if there isn't a sense of finality with its destruction. And mentioning finality...I fear such a concept will meet Jon's life very soon. After he destroys the table, a new static noise starts creeping in...and there he is. The man(?), the myth(?), the legend(?)....Micheal McFuckHands. Let's. Fucking. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! He might have had his time to shine in Fatigue, but now, after 31 episodes of not hearing his voice, he's FINALLY back in the spotlight. Also, I absolutely love how HE, the most cryptic and vague character in the entire story so far, who is intent on making it as clear as possible that he is not human, just comes in saying the truest thing ever. Just...god I love him so much. "That was very stupid" can also go on the quote shelf. Honestly, Micheal is a peak example of what vibes alone can do to someone. We know next to NOTHING about this guy, he's only properly appeared in four episodes, two of which didn't actually have his voice...and he's probably, no, definitely my favorite character so far. Just...this man has such a visceral effect on me that I can't ever properly describe. What an icon.

Anyways, he shows up, Jon says "what do you want" in a very cold manner (which makes me laugh because it suggests to me that despite them presumably only interacting once before this, he's already tired of his bullshit), and Micheal responds by telling Jon the obvious. While doing so, he mentions..."the protections he has here", and how he doubts Jon can survive The NotThem even with those on. I find this pretty interesting, it definitely adds to the inherent weirdness of the institute, but...it could mean a whole plethora of things, and this section is already long enough so...maybe that's a discussion for another time. But as Jon's mistake finally sets in...we start to hear Not!Sasha in the distance, calling out his name as her voice gets closer and closer...and gradually more distorted. AAAAAAAHHHHH THAT'S SO TERRIFYING!!! Like...after a whole season of her just hanging around for the most part, the prospect of her finally going full massive monster is just...just no. No thanks. I...also feel like I should point out how we now have Micheal and The NotThem in the same scene, since I pointed out their similarities in one of my theories. Admittedly, while I do find these odd shared traits interesting...I have to be honest, I'm becoming less and less inclined to follow that theory of mine as time goes on. I still think it's very cool conceptually but...eh, there's a number of holes in the idea, and now that we know the table is not connected to The NotThem outside of it acting as a prison, and that it has much more of a prominent spider connection than a fractal connection...yeah, that's already some evidence for the two of them being "aspects of The Stranger" gone down the drain. I'll still keep that theory about "The Stranger" referring to viruses in the code in my mind, but...I think the idea of it referring to one of ✨the horrors✨, namely the one that The NotThem and all of the stuff from Still Life serve, makes a lot more sense. Besides, it's taken a lot of effort to assemble a list of ✨the horrors✨, so I don't want to tamper with it too much unless I absolutely have to. I still think the simulation idea works well enough, and the idea of Micheal specifically being a virus or error also works...but I think I'll hold off on The NotThem for now. Still, them being in the same scene like this is interesting. But uh...finally wrapping things up, Jon starts freaking out as Not!Sasha starts approaching (I definitely imagine her sort of...going into her true form as this happens as well), and then...Micheal opens his door, basically saying that it's Jon's only way out. ...Oh my god. That is as terrifying as it is awesome. With that, the episode ends as Not!Sasha bursts into artifact storage, and Micheal leaves us with his...subjectively beautiful laughter. So um...yeah. Needless to say I'm absolutely terrified. The NotThem is pursuing Jon (PLEASE don't let Not!Jon become a thing), he's probably going to find himself in Micheal's backrooms which is...fun..I guess, Martin and Tim are...somewhere, as is Elias...there's probably going to be some stuff with the tunnels, some big answers regarding the guy down there, maybe some Gertrude lore, maybe some involvement from Basira, the next episode will probably be like Infestation...I don't know. I...guess I'll just have to see for myself. Great episode but....ugggggghhhh god help me.

Supplemental: Wow....that came out much longer than I expected. And it took longer too, Christ it was like three days. Uh...thank you so much for making it this far, I do hope you can see why this post has taken so long to get published, but like...I seriously appreciate anyone who's reading this very sentence, you rock. I...really wish I could spare you from a longer supplemental, especially since I still have two more episodes and a little bonus thing to write for....but I'm sorry, this has been playing on my mind and if I don't get it out soon I'm going to explode. I'll try and make it quick. So, I've obviously been drawing attention to how weird the institute is a lot recently, and while I still stand by that claim (especially with what Micheal says in this episode)...I haven't really thought about how weird the archives are specifically, in comparison to the rest of the institute. It's outright said by Mary in First Edition that the people on higher floors of the institute (so, presumably different departments) don't understand how special the archives are, which...might honestly explain why Elias acts the way he does if it turns out he's not that aware of his own institute's weirdness, although I'm still personally pretty suspicious of his demeanor. But like...if Mary, who is the institute's Number 1 hater, is able to admit that there's something special about the archives...there's clearly something going on there that's worth drawing attention to. And...do you remember how in Crusader, Gertrude talked about how she thought the old ruins of the serapeum were a "previous iteration of the archive", and how the creepy cyclops monster was likely once an archivist? Well, the way she talked about it...to me, it didn't sound like she was calling the serapeum just...an old archive in general, but specifically, an archive that the modern day Magnus Institute archives are based on. This leads me to believe that Jonah Magnus, or...whoever made tha archives of the institute specifically, somehow adopted the design of the serapeum archives, and brought its paranormal properties with it. For what purpose, I don't know, we know that the institute was relocated to London after starting in Edinburgh, but that Jonah had knowledge of the strange architecture of Robert Smirke (which the institute was built on top of, ala the tunnels) before he did so, so...he clearly was not opposed to the idea of making the institute paranormal. But..it's concerning. Especially if that cyclops thing is a previous archivist, and the archivists are a sort of...lineage that stretches back to god knows when like Jon suggests...like, that's weird right? Is that meant to suggest that Jon will become a cyclops monster one day? Is that...somehow what remains of Gertrude, if she even has remains beyond her human corpse? Do certain other weird qualities of the institute, like the inability to quit or be fired...only apply to the archives? I'm just...oh god I need to lie down. There’s just so many mysteries, and trying to solve them is a…not fruitless, but certainly rigorous endeavor. That's all from me...I think at least, uh...see you for episode 79. ...why is this so long...

- Episode 79, Hide and Seek 🫥

Original recording of manifestations and sightings at the Magnus Institute, London.

...do...do you get it? The emoji? It's like- it's like a person fading away. Because of...because of The NotThem. ...Look I'm really trying here, it's hard to sum up 15 minutes of running, screaming and lore-dropping in a single symbol. Anyways uh...what was I supposed to be doing again? Oh yeah, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAAAAAATTTT???!!! ...Much better. So as expected for this lovely little season finale, I just...cannot catch a break, can I? I don't think ANYONE can vatch a break in this scenario, not me, not the characters (except for Micheal who's having the time of his....what I think is a life, and Elias who's smoking pot in his office), and not Rusty Quill because holy shit those audio distortions are a lot. Thankfully, this episode is pretty short, and due to its structure, there's probably not going to be as much recap to get through, mostly analysis, which is...very handy given that the final episode of the season is the longest in the series so far. But...as for that analysis...ohohohoho. There is some...very, very interesting information in this episode to unpack. I don't know how many new theories I might have here, but I at the very least know that this episode has done a great job pushing the plot forward...and holy shit, do I feel validated by some of the fuel it's added to my pre-existing theories. It's certainly a chaotic ride, and...dear god, there is a LOT riding on the next episode's back after this one, but for now...I'm just going to lay out my thoughts in as coherent of a manner as I possibly can. I just...I...the fact he's called "Mystery Figure" in the credits and transcipt is both a blessing and a curse, my god.

So, here's a fun fact for you. After the...not so calm events of Distant Cousin, especially with the ending in mind...I was understandably very scared of what was to come next. For all I knew, I would be greeted by the raging screams of a mangled changeling creature as soon as my beloved intro music faded away, and when you combine that with my scrambled thoughts, busy schedule and the...three days I spent writing the last part good god, and you're left with someone who takes an entire week to muster up the courage to listen to this one. Finally, I know what it's like to listen to this podcast as it comes out kind of maybe not really! So...imagine my suprise when I finally tune on in...and I am greeted by the admittedly subpar musings of a verbally abused queer office worker. ...God I hate my life. I don't even think there's any greater meaning to the episode opening up this way beyond it just...being on the tape Tim uses. Like, believe me, I've tried examaning what the poem says...five or six times now, but beyond London, architecture and...people...yeah there's nothing there. So as far as I'm concerned, this was just put at the beginning to toy with people like me. ....Well played Jonny. And like...I'm sorry, I know I've been defending Martin's poetry since the beginning of the season (not like...as a consistent thing, but...you get what i mean), but...yeah I'm not impressed by this. Maybe it gets better later on, but for now...poor job Mr. Blackwood. Also, this just made me remember that he has a middle name. What is it though? "Korn"? "Krispy"? "Kill me, for I have fallen in love with the worst possible man to fall in love with?" Is this the most important mystery of the entire plot? Who knows, (aside from....everyone who's already finished the podcast I guess) but for now, let's just move on to the actual plot of the episode. So....I must give my deepest apologies to Tim. As it turns out, he thankfully knows better than to leave Jon alone like that. I mean, I already figured he knew something was up, but it's good to know he didn't just leave with Martin despite it. Granted though, it doesn't mean that he's...exactly worried about Jon. He's a lot more worried about what Jon might do specifically, doesn't think his apology was genuine, and is there to...stop him rather than save him, which is in stark contrast to Martin, who's obviously a lot more genuinely worried for him. Once again, it's....somewhat frustrating to see Tim act like this, but also understandable from his perspective. Sure, his lack of concern for Jon's wellbeing isn't...great, but like...he's in a situation like no other, so I can't blame him for being kind of self-serving, since even though he's wrong to assume that he's the only one in the archives who feels alone...at the end of the day, he's still alone, and he doesn't seem to have much to distract himself with. You know...I know that the whole thing about him seducing cops for information was kind of played for laughs...but I do have to wonder if that shows a lack of ability for personal connection on Tim's part...or maybe I'm just reading too much into things. My point is, as always, it's frustrating to see Tim have so little regard for Jon's wellbeing, and parts of his reasoning for acting that way are certainly flawed...but I fully understand where he's coming from. Everyone might be in the same lonely situation, and it's hard for me to determine whether or not Tim really has it worse than everyone else...but I can at the very least tell that the toll it takes on him is...different, it makes him more angry than sad or scared. I do hope we get to learn a bit more about his deeper psyche and elusive past eventually though, because right now...while I still really like him, it's sort of hard to pin down what my overall view on his character is.

Anyways uh...minor character rambling aside, it's nice to see Martin and Tim's escapades recorded here, even if it's supposed to be used for court evidence, and also totally not being done on the same tape used to record Streets by Martin K. Blackwood. I'll touch a bit more on their dynamic with each other later, but for now, just know that it was really nice to see them interact without Jon around, even if the circumstances make their relationship a...bit less happy and fun than what was heard in the Epiphany short. But uh...back to what they're actually doing, as they go around the archives looking for Jon, they eventually find that he's not in his office...of course. But as they wander around...Tim brings up some interesting points. I am happy to say that FINALLY, after all the small little hints spread throughout the past two seasons...the weirdness of the institute is finally going places. Tim talks about how he can't quit or get fired, the same seemingly applying to Jon, points out how Elias doesn't even run the place properly (THANK GOD he says that because holy shit if that isn't weird I don't know what is), he talks about how something is watching everyone and messing with their heads, and how...Jon's behavior seems supernatural in itself. This is all...extremely gripping to me. We get more clear and substantial information on some of these topics later in the episode, but...this certainly sows some seeds right out of the gate. The whole...watching thing reminds me of all the eye imagery, which thankfully comes back around later, but like...I'M STILL PRETTY FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT. I'm starting to get...genuinely very suspicious of Elias, like, it's funny to me that despite him having...arguably the most detailed backstory out of anyone in the institute so far (which isn't saying much but still), he's...honestly the most mysterious and polarizing to me. I REALLY need some more lore on him soon, because right now...piecing him together is damn near impossible. And then we have Tim thinking that Jon himself is supernatural, which...well, I'll get to that later, but this is all very intriguing for now. He also moves on to say that he thinks the institute is more haunted than it used to be, and-oh look there's the mangled changeling creature screams! So...yeah, as soon as he says that, The NotThem, now in its true form from the sound of things, bursts through a door, and immediately scuttles down through the trap door and into the tunnels, still on the hunt for Jon. Now, while the timing of its...pleasant noise is played for dramatic irony, comedic effect and a jumpscare, it did also make me realize something. A while back, I proposed that the reason Tim's unable to quit was because The NotThem was utilizing the power of the table against them, binding them with its webs in a similar manner to what Adelard Dekker did. Now...I'm pretty damn certain that's not the case. Not only do we learn a little bit more about The NotThem's purpose later on, which doesn't really seem to require it to do or want to do such a thing, but I think it's safe to say that it and the table are entirely separate things now, and that it can't utilize the table's power itself, as that power likely only belongs to spider people like Raymond and Dekker. Just...wanted to clear that up, but going back to the story, Martin notices how much The NotThem looks like..."Sasha", but both he and Tim deny that it's her. Which like...yeah, it isn't, but I find it both funny and tragic that their reasoning for thinking so is completely wrong. But while they're obviously very freaked out by the sudden appearance of... god-knows-what, Martin refuses to let up. Realizing that The NotThem is after Jon...he heads into the tunnels, and since it's physically impossible to say no to him, Tim follows. Oh...dear me. I know I said I'm glad to have some Martin and Tim escapades in this episode...but I would've honestly been fine if they just went to get lunch and that was it. Regardless, now that they're in the tunnels, how's Jon doing?

Ok, on the count of five, give me your best guess as to how Jon's doing. Five, four, thre-BAD. HE'S DOING BAD OF COURSE HE'S DOING BAD! LIKE ALWAYS HE IS DOING BAD. Granted though...he could be worse. Unsurprisingly, he found himself in...quite the sticky situation at the end of last episode, so he was left with no choice but to go through Micheal's door. On the bright side though, it turns out that the door isn't just an immediate sentence to the backrooms, as Micheal actually sent him to the tunnels instead. That actually gets me wondering if...maybe the Micheal and the door are more separate than I initially assumed. We know that he is...in one way or another, the same being as the backrooms, but now that it's been shown the door and the backrooms aren't neccessarily connected, I have to wonder if...maybe the door is some sort of artifact that Micheal's got his big-ass hands on, and while he usually uses it to trap people in his hell dimension, i might ultimately be just...some kind of general teleportation device, and that...also makes me wonder if the backrooms have a set location on earth that we just don't know about yet. Well, at least Jon isn't there, although the tunnels are only...marginally better than the backrooms if I'm being honest. I do find it kind of interesting that the tunnels and the backrooms are so similar though, like, they have their fair share of differences, but...I don't know, Jon straight up says they're both corridor hellmazes, so there might be some relevance there. Uhhhhh....MICHEAL THEORY #47!!! He's like...some sort of sentient construct built by Robert Smirke, since he also built the tunnels. I'll add that one to my list of theories, and then proceed to do nothing with it ever again. Anyways, going back to Jon....yeah, he's in a bad spot. He has no idea where in the tunnels he even is, is trying his best to stay hidden from The NotThem, and is THANKFULLY bemoaning his destruction of the table. I can not even begin to tell you how much of a raging inferno I would've become if he just...never acknowledged his own stupidity in that moment ever. Ultimately though, I forgive him, since not only did...I mean, I...think things have turned out ok by the end of this episode? Maybe? I guess I'll just have to wait and see, but...the main reason I'm forgiving him is because HOLY SHIT IF I DON'T FEEL VALIDATED BY THIS SCENE. Jon talks about how the table is associated with webs and spiders, and how that force naturally opposes and weakens The NotThem. This isn't like...a huge revelation or anything, I think anyone with ears (except for Jon in the previous episode apparently) can probably figure that out, but...it's like the biggest acknowledgement of this opposition between forces that we've gotten so far, not even the episodes with The Cult of The Lightless Flame against the spiders got this much acknowledgement on that front, and...it REALLY does add fuel to my ideas surrounding ✨the horrors✨, at least in my opinion. Maybe not aspects like my exact list of them, or all of the stuff surrounding the simulation theory (excluding that now...likely outdated interpretation of "The Stranger" for the record), but...at this point, I think it's safe to say that there's multiple eldritch beings influencing all of the monsters, weirdos and artifacts that have shown up so far, all in opposition. Like...I'd be stunned if that wasn't the route they were going down at this point, but I'm honestly just...really happy that at the very least...parts of my initial interpretations behind ✨the horrors✨ are being confirmed as we speak. I've had these ideas for a very long time now so...I'm praying that I get a decent amount correct here, and Jon's whole monologue here is one of quite a few suspected answers to those prayers. But with all of that aside for the moment, Jon says that he's going to conserve what tape he has...and then we hear that distorted call of his name before the recorder clicks. ...yippee.

We cut back to Martin and Tim, who've now entered the tunnels in search of Jon and....what to them is some sort of really gangly whatever that looks like a REALLY stretched out "Sasha". You know...if they manage to escape from their current predicament...I wonder how they're going to react if Jon tells them what he learned. That could be...very upsetting. Well, before I start getting scared and depressed, let's try and stay on track. So Tim and Martin's ideological differences really shine in this scene. Tim starts being a little hypocritical, suggesting they try and get Elias after calling him useless earlier, and Martin holds this and his initial desire to not do anything about Jon against him, while also complaining about how he's never heard. So yeah...both of them are being extremely petty and I absolutely love it. I know I said I love their friendship in that short, but this...this is just as good, if not better (although it does make me pretty sad to see them fight as well). Anyways, Tim angrily asks Martin what he even wants, and...he says that if he wants everyone to be happy forever, it's not going to happen. Now, I can't disagree with him there, I mean...look at what's going on right now, everyone here is absolutely traumatized, but I find this line kind of interesting because...it seems like Tim is deflecting? Or at the very least, he's venting his own frustrations while also pinning them onto Martin. I say this because, personally, I see Tim as someone who...doesn't cope well in situations where people aren't happy. He's less prone to fixing the problem than Martin, who keeps on pushing to make things better despite there...unfortunately being a slim chance of return, but...I don't know. His behavior in Season 1 shows that he's kind of the office ray of sunshine, at least until after the Prentiss attack, and even in Season 2...while he's most upset about stuff like Jon watching his house, he also gets upset seeing Jon just...do weird shit in general, like whispering into a supplemental tape that didn't even concern him. I'd hesitate to call him some sort of...massive empath, not only due to his disregard for Jon but...also because I feel like Martin fulfills that narrative role a bit more, but...I don't think he's someone who copes well in environments where others are unhappy or stressed. I think it just...REALLY kills the vibe for him in a way that leads to him doing toxic or unhealthy things, and I find that to be an interesting character flaw. And then we have Martin's response, which also reveals some interesting things about his character. Firstly, I'm happy to report that he POPPED THE HELL OFF!!! I'm really happy to see him finally get genuinely angry and express his emotions, I mean, I was kind of hoping for something like him brutally murdering The NotThem in a fit of rage, because that would've been...just the most metal thing the podcast could do at the moment, but I'll still take what I can get. Although...him brutally murdering someone isn't off the table. Like...I've said before that I think an "evil Martin" twist wouldn't be my favorite thing, which I still stand by, but like...I could work with a gradual corruption arc, or something adjacent, if it meant him REALLY cutting loose. But as much as I love this whole scene, along with Alex's delivery...something stands out to me about it. While Martin is angrily expressing his emotions, which is overall a massive sign of growth...he's not really standing up for himself. He's standing up for Jon, he's standing up for...generally everyone, talking about how Tim doesn't realize he's the only person suffering, but...he's not quite standing up for himself. Which like, yeah, that makes sense since Tim has not been nearly as hostile to him as he's been with Jon...but it did make me come to a bit of a realization. Martin Blackwood...probably has some issues with self-worth.

I mean, I feel like I've known that subconsciously since his debut, but...it hasn't really hit me just...how much of an unfortunate pushover this guy is, and I say that lovingly. It's not exactly the most...wild take of all time, I know, but I've never really discussed the fact before. Martin is always extremely doting towards others, always looking out for them before himself. Now, I'm sure that quite a lot of that comes from him just being a genuinely kind and empathetic person, don't get things twisted. But there's a difference between being loving towards others, and being so prepared to put others first that you neglect your own happiness. Because, take a look at every scene Martin's in, or every comment that's been made about him...and you start to realize how a shockingly tiny amount of what he does ever benefits him specifically, it's usually benefiting everyone at best, and hurting him at worst. And while he's always sweet and courteous and rarely super upset or down...I can't name a scenario where he seemed really, TRULY happy, even Jon has a couple of scenes like that, but not Martin. And even when he does do some rather self-serving things here and there, like stealing recorders for his poetry or lying on his CV...he's always super ashamed of it. Those two things I just mentioned remain his biggest secrets to date, when honestly, they're...pretty harmless all things considered. But things like those slightly cheeky actions, and his monologue in this very scene...they show that he has the capacity to be an upstanding person, I don't think he's a pushover deep down, he definitely has a sturdy spine...he just doesn't use it. I'm starting to get the sense that his "sweet little guy" personality is kind of a mask, but not in a manipulative sociopath way, more in a..."I really need people to not hate me" sort of way. I think that he believes if he doesn't act all sweet and humble, people won't like him, he doesn't think people would like a version of him that stands up for himself, which makes Jon's initial distaste for him EVEN more depressing in retrospect. Even in this scene, the most he's ever stood up for what he believes in...he's not doing it for himself. He's doing it for Jon. And like, while I still think the idea of JonMartin could really go in great directions in the future, this is one of the reasons why I'm actually not onboard with the idea when you consider the current state of the characters, beyond it being...kind of funny to ship them in their current states, because at the end of the day they're just soaking wet fictional men. Not only do I feel like they wouldn't work as they are now because...truth be told, I'm not really convinced that Jon reciprocates his feelings at the moment, even if their platonic relationship has seen some noticeable growth since Season 1, but also because I feel like that if Martin were to be in a relationship, he'd need to learn to serve himself here and there. A relationship where he throws away everything for a man who...cares about him, sure, but not quite THAT much...it just wouldn't work. I still think that there's many routes the two of them can take going forward, and a lot of those routes could result in a genuinely great relationship...but now? Nah. And...one last thing, going back to the whole thing about Martin not believing that people would like a version of him that stands up for himself...I find that so sad because...they absolutely would. And why do I think that? Well, that's because of my good friend Epiphany!

In this short, Tim outright says that Martin will give himself away until there's nothing left of him to be loved, and that people will love him not because of what he has to give, but because of where he stands firm. And while Martin genuinely appreciates the advice...I don't think he's really been taking it. Part of it might be due to the fact that his relationship with Tim, the guy who gave him the advice in the first place, has worsened since that short's place in the timeline, but I would not be surprised if it was also just...part of the way his brain works. He knows that he should love himself more, he knows that it'll make his life better...but I don't think he knows how to start doing so. Ultimately, I get the sense that Martin's character arc is likely to be one of self-worth, whether he gains or loses more is entirely up in the air, but it's interesting regardless.

Well...that was a long side tangent. I know this is...pretty different from what I usually write in these posts, but that's because I'm just...really happy that I'm starting to understand these characters beyond just the sum of their parts. As much as I do truly love making all of my wild speculations and analysis of the plot, lore and world of tma, I have really been wanting to do some more detailed character analysis for a while now. Because...this podcast has a genuinely really endearing cast of characters, I think they're all very interesting, but I think the anthological structure, along with the fact that the majority of recurring characters have yet to appear outside of statements where they're not much more than a mysterious stranger, makes it hard to truly understand every dimension of every person. I will admit that I was...a little harsh on Martin and Tim's characters in my section on Distant Cousin, and I could've worded my thoughts much better. I think saying that Basira, Melanie, and especially Gertrude have had more complete arcs than them was definitely a stretch. It's just that ultimately, they're all members of the supporting cast, so...while I now realize that their arcs are smaller than Martin and Tim's, I guess I felt more satisfied with their size given how they aren't really supposed to be as important as these two (although that isn't meant to say I think their arcs are necessarily complete.) On top of that, I feel like their arcs have oddly contributed more to the plot, what with Basira giving the tapes, Melanie revealing the truth behind Not!Sasha and paralleling Jon, and Gertrude…being herself, where as Martin and Tim are relegated to office drama, which I still find very interesting, and I’d hesitate to call it irrelevant or meaningless…but it’s not as much of a big game changer as what other characters have provided. I guess I've just wanted more from Martin and Tim, because even though I became immediately endeared to both of them as soon as they first appeared...they're supposed to be part of the MAIN cast, and that leaves me wishing for their appearances more than I do characters like Basira and Melanie. Hell, as much as I play up my mournful longing for Micheal to come back, I'm actually a lot more fine with him being an infrequent and unpredictable appearance, because that just feels in line with his chaotic neutral persona. Martin and Tim though...I don't know, I feel like they deserve more. But at the end of the day...I doubt these minor criticisms will mean much in the long run, because it definitely feels like they're really developing! I can safely say that I feel like I'm finally starting to get a good grasp of Martin as a whole after this episode, and while my thoughts on Tim are still kind of muddled and shifting, it's definitely some great progress. I can only hope that this progress continues into Season 3. Oh and uh...one last thing regarding this.

As happy as I am with this development....man, it really puts into perspective how tragic Sasha's character is. I know I've made my theories about...death in the hypothetical simulation meaning release into the real world, and there are instances of immortality and ghosts, sure, but...after what Dekker said to Lawrence Moore in the last episode...the chances of us ever hearing Sasha again are slim to none, which means that realistically...we'll never really know her. And honestly, I feel like that's by design. She was replaced by The NotThem, a creature that erases its victims memory from the world. So having the cast lose their true memory of her, and having the viewers never really get to see the greater extent of her as a person...well, I don't think I need to explain why I find that so tonally fitting. It's just...I really miss her you guys :(. Ok, enough rambling about suffering gay people, let's look at a DELIGHTED gay person instead. It's him! He's here! He was gone for like...7 minutes but who cares! He's back! Micheal!!!!!!!!! God I just. I can't. Why is he the most perfectly imperfect specimen of all time? That is my husband. That is my wife. That is my sleep paralysis demon and I love him with all my heart. He's just...so silly as well, like, Martin tells him to stay back and he says "no :)". I know I just did a long monologue about how I want more character exploration beyond just vibes, but honestly? Micheal is the one exception to that. I do want answers regarding...what the hell he even is, not neccesarily because I think his character needs it (I mean his whole thing is not making coherent sense in any way shape or form), but it's more because...I have spent too much time and energy trying to decipher this man. But outside of that....he's basically perfect as is. His energy is just that immaculate. At this point, an interesting backstory or any actual character depth would just be the cherry on top of an already 5 star cake. Anyways, as always, he says some very vague, yet still interesting things. Firstly, I just noticed that...he pretty much always introduces himself by his name...except for when he met Jon. And...also Lydia Halligan if I recall, but...her statement is pretty loopy in it's own right so I'll leave that one up in the air. But with Sasha, Helen Richardson, and now these two...he always uses his name, which is interesting to me when you consider his whole "there is no such thing as a real name" spiel that he gives Jon in The New Door. I'm...also kind of concerned by how he calls Jon "the archivist" now. It initially didn't strike me as all that strange (at least by Micheal standards), since he doesn't refer to...anyone by their names that often at all, but...given how this episode sheds a bit of light on what the title of "the archivist" even means in this context...I'm raising an eyebrow at this little quirk now. Anyways, the long story short is that he considers watching Jon die a "sport" (...is it wrong that I would probably find that more attention-grabbing than any actual sport?), and also claims to plan on killing Martin and Tim, simply because he wants to see what happens if there's no one to save Jon. ....Never change you horrible blonde thing. He also mentions how no one is protected down in the tunnels, as opposed to the institute. This definitely makes sense, it's a nice nod to how the tunnels initially belonged to Millbank Prison, and the institute was just built upon them...but it also made me realize that maybe Jon would've had a better chance of surviving The NotThem if he DIDN'T take Micheal's door. I know Micheal said that he doubted Jon could survive, even with the protections of the institute...but man, I think he took a much worse option than he realized. Regardless, it seems like Micheal's threat might be a bit of a bluff, as it causes Martin and Tim to run through his door, and-...oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no. That's. Um. That's not good. I'll uh...I'll come back to this later, but for now...let's check back on Jon.

Once again...he is not doing well. After hearing The NotThem, he started descending into the lower sanctums of the tunnels, eventually coming across a metal pipe which....wait what happened to his axe? Come on man, if you're going to use it to make the biggest fuck-up of the century you could at least bother to amend that by using it for good. Even he admits that the pipe won't help, and...sure, the axe probably wouldn't do much better, but it's a step in the right direction! Well, having a weapon at least makes him feel safe, so I guess it's better than nothing. And then...things get depressing. Jon has realized that The NotThem is likely intent on replacing him next, and starts yelling into the tapes that...if he's gone, then the being that would be called "Not!Jon" is...well, not him. On top of that...he continues to mourn for Sasha, not just because she's dead, but because he can't even remember her face. It's all...really depressing, and I think the first part shows a depressing...well, not a willingness to die on his part, more of an expectancy, but...that's not great. Anyways, Jon quickly learns to stop talking, as The NotThem eventually makes its appearance. And I've got to say...I REALLY like it in this episode. I've always thought that it's an amazing concept for a horror monster, and Not!Sasha has been consistently intimidating throughout her entire time in the podcast, but like...it never quite had the same draw as other antagonists. Like, Jane had her really tragic and messed up backstory, Micheal has his whimsical mystique, but The NotThem...it works really well as a general evil force in the story, but I was never attached to it as a character like I was with others. Here though....I mean, it's still the most evil and despicable out of the three big bads that have shown up so far, like, I need to make it clear that this thing is pure evil to me, and...if it really does turn out to be dead after the events of the episode, or if not, dies later on without any sympathy added to its existence, I will not be mourning it like I did with Jane. But...all things considered, while it's still evil and terrifying, I really like the personality it showcases in this episode. When pretending to be Sasha, it's not much more than an ominous presence, but now that it's here as its true self...man, I love it. It's cunning, taunting, and later on just gives off this sense of...being absolutely done with everything, so much anger and frustration at its situation and the people it's had to put up with. This scene in particular is where it comes off as the most downright despicable. It taunts Jon, keeping up the charade of Sasha as a cruel joke, before later telling Jon it's going to wear him (which was a fucking HAUNTING line by the way)...and then it mentions how what it did to Sasha hurt. ...The fact that that was what set Jon off into confronting it directly, the fact that The NotThem used it as bait...man does that hurt. With that, Jon is sent running once again, in what is...arguably the most danger we've ever seen him in, more than the Prentiss attack. But before we get to what is my personal favorite scene in the episode, there's one more look at Martin and Tim to go over.

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Just when I thought we had narrowly avoided the backrooms, when I thought that Micheal wouldn't do anything...THAT bad...here we are. And it's arguably worse than if Jon was stuck there, because Martin and Tim have...absolutely NO idea what they're dealing with. So yeah...after hearing a door open alongside Micheal's infamous laughter...these two are stuck in his domain. Throughout the recordings that take place in here, Martin and Tim's voices are now distorted and echoing, with the same squiggly static that showed up when Micheal first appeared also being there, and both effects being louder upon the final recording done by these two. It's genuinely terrifying to finally hear what it's like in there firsthand...but I will say, I'm starting to become really confused by all the static now. Like, I now noticed that Micheal has a static noise that plays in both The New Door and this scene, but has a different one that plays in Distant Cousin, and the scene with him in the tunnels earlier in this episode. Then you have the table, which plays something that sounds like The NotThem's static, but also a...screaming sound, which...might be the spiders' static noise since the table is being destroyed as the sound plays, but...I don't know, for some reason the scream feels more fitting for The NotThem to me. And then you have the static on Basira's phone call in Takeaway, which...should theoretically represent the powers of Mr. Pitch, but according to Basira's statement in Police Lights...she wasn't even at the Outer Bay Shipping building when she made that call. So...what's going on here? I don't know, either I'm wrong about how I interpret the static, there's some issues with continuity, or maybe it doesn't actually mean much and is just used for creepy effects like the music. I doubt the third one is the case, especially since Martin acknowledges the backrooms noise in this very scene, and I have better faith in Rusty Quill than what choosing option two would entail, so...maybe I need to rethink some things in the future. Anyways, back to Martin and Tim...oh god. I'm...actually getting really scared for them. I've already brought up some potential death flags before, but...wow, this does not look good. I mean, I'm pretty sure Martin will be...well maybe not FINE, but at least alive, but Tim...I don't know. I think he has a decent chance at survival, but...we did lose an archival assistant last season, and if they wanted...they COULD kill him off here without much trouble. I personally hope that doesn't happen, but.....AAAAUUUUUGGHHHH PLEASE BE OK BOTH OF YOU!!! I...really hope that Micheal doesn't start haunting them...or worse... One more recording, oh boy.

So...this one. HOO-WHEE IS THE LORE GOING STRONG WITH THIS ONE. So, as Jon continues to run away from The NotThem in panic, it makes some snide comments about how it hated waiting around in the institute... but then gives a "statement" to him in mockery, and...there is some really interesting information in this. This is where a lot of my thoughts...REALLY get validated. The NotThem starts off by recounting some basic information we already knew, talking about its general abilities and how Adelard Dekker bound it to the table. Still though, it's really cool to hear the story from its perspective, I especially love how it refers to Dekker as a "nasty man". It also says that it enjoyed it whenever someone remembered the old person, because it meant they became scared when no one else was. To me, this...almost confirms that The NotThem was intentionally revealing itself to select people for the sake of sick pleasure, and if that's not the case...well then, it at the very least isn't against that happening. But then...it starts to recount what happened after it was bound to the table. It says that it got its "friends" to carry it around so that it continue its work, "friends" obviously referring to Breekon and Hope. This confirms at least one of my suspicions from Still Life, that being that The NotThem and Breekon and Hope are allies, and that they weren't utilizing it as an unwilling weapon or anything. At least...not until recently. Now, we know from Gertrude that The NotThem is motiveless, on a personal level, it has no desire outside of replacing people and scaring a select few, which seems to be more of a natural instinct than anything else. However...Gertrude also says that if it were to have any purpose beyond that, it could prove much more dangerous, and unfortunately...even if it's not out of The NotThem's own will...it was sent to The Magnus Institute for a reason beyond just sowing chaos. Apparently, The Magnus Institute and The NotThem, or...potentially the greater forces that the two of them serve, are enemies, and Breekon and Hope sent The NotThem to the institute in order to steal information. ...Oh dear.

So, as you already know, I believe that The NotThem, Breekon and Hope, The Anglerfish and The Other Circus are all united in one common goal, likely serving the same member of ✨the horrors✨, and said member of ✨the horrors✨ is probably called "The Stranger". I also believe that The Magnus Institute is paranormal in its own right (which is practically confirmed at this point), and that it serves and/or is connected to the member of ✨the horrors✨ that possesses prominent eye imagery, which also seems to be served by the Keay Family, with the exception of Mary. This is even backed up when The NotThem outright says their enemy has "the biggest eyes you ever did see." And thanks to Micheal, we know that there is some sort of "struggle" or "war" going on, one that the institute has a stake in, and due to various context clues such as rivalry between The Cult of The Lightless Flame and the spiders, and Jon's whole thing about the spiders and The NotThem being naturally opposed earlier in the episode...it's safe to assume that this is a war between ✨the horrors✨, although what they're fighting for is unknown. Alternatively...if you for some reason stick with my crack theory about the maintainers of the simulation against the invaders, then...maybe the war is more one-sided. The point is, The Magnus Institute is at war with The NotThem and all of its allies, which...honestly works very well thematically. This...eye thing, it's an observer in nature, always watching in the distance, keeping its eye on the institute staff. I think this is why it's connected to the institute, since they are a faction that is actively seeking knowledge, trying to understand the paranormal without intervening, simply choosing to look from afar. But as for The NotThem, and everything else I believe to be united under "The Stranger"...they're nearly the complete opposite. They not only seek to actively cause paranormal activity, where as the eye thing simply sits in the background for the most part (I mean, it has a shocking lack of statements surrounding it), but also, the one major thing all of these "aspects of The Stranger" share in common is appearing as normal, when in reality they are eldritch, weird and monstrous. They choose to conceal, which makes them a perfect natural enemy for The Magnus Institute. The institute is trying to understand them (not in an empath way, but like...in a stalker way), and The Stranger does not want to be understood. So...yeah, them being on opposing sides is pretty clever. As for what secrets The NotThem was sent to steal, well, that's a complete mystery, and I have no idea how they plan to resolve it. But...as for WHY they need secrets in the first place...I might have an idea, but I'll get to that in a moment. But getting back to The NotThem's "statement", they explain that it was sad at the institute, because it couldn't reveal itself to anyone there, thus sowing more chaos. It seems like this is the one instance of Breekon and Hope delivering it to someone for their own goals instead of The NotThem's own desire to sow random chaos, and...that seemingly gave it motivation to go against orders and betray them, at least, that's how I interpreted its dialogue. As it turns out, it intentionally left clues leading towards the truth for Jon, in hopes that he would at the very least be scared, when in actuality, he ended up releasing it from the table entirely, allowing it to be free from all responsibility set upon it. This reveal of The NotThem intentionally sowing seeds was actually really well foreshadowed in retrospect, I think that's probably why it chose to reveal itself to Melanie, and it also makes me think it's actually the most likely candidate for whoever replaced Adelard Dekker's statement with that of Lawrence Moore, since the former wouldn't have revealed its connection to the table.

So...yeah, this is all very interesting. We finally know at least...a little bit more about why The NotThem was sent to the institute in the first place, what exactly its plan across the course of the season has been all along, and...it's definitely building up to a grander plot, what with all the talk about enemies, eyes, secrets, and its mission. ...But we're not quite done yet. The NotThem goes on to taunt Jon for his stupidity and arrogance when smashing the table, saying how fun it was watching him act all suspicious of his innocent coworkers when it was right there. It also says that he isn't even a shadow of his predecessor, which is...kind of interesting to me. I guess this could be interpreted as a sign of The NotThem being familiar with Gertrude, but...I feel like if that were the case, it would've just replaced her on sight, and I doubt it would've killed her with a gun. I think it's more likely that it got its hands on Gertrude's tapes when sneaking around, or that it maybe just heard about her from one of its allies who was more familiar with her. And then...as The NotThem contemplates the idea of replacing Jon...it drops some of the biggest lore bombs in the entire episode. The first one is a mention of something...entirely new. Something it calls the "Unknowing", which...I feel is most likely an event of some kind, given how The NotThem says it's something that Jon would "miss" if he were to die now. So, we've never heard of this thing before, and as of now, all we really know is that it's something that The NotThem believes Jon wouldn't understand. I personally think this is sowing a seed for something in future seasons, more light could potentially be shed on it in the final episode, but I personally feel like there's more currently prevalent mysteries that need to be solved first. Still though...I have thoughts. Don't worry, it didn't send me into a massive rabbit hole or anything. So, my first thought upon hearing it was that it would be some kind of....mass NotThem-ing, or something adjacent, but like...I don't know how that would happen at the moment, and given that there's only one known NotThem (and the status of said NotThem is up in the air by the end of the episode....yeah, I discarded the idea pretty quickly. I personally think that this "Unknowing" is...some sort of massive attack on The Magnus Institute, and it's probably why The NotThem was sent there in the first place. Maybe the "secrets" it was looking for was....any exploitable weaknesses they could find, I don't know. It mostly comes down to the name. Like, the institute is a place of academia, therefore a place of knowing, its supposed patron member of ✨the horrors✨ is a being that desires to observe. So....if you were to try and destroy the place...yeah, it would be appropriate to call such an act an "Unknowing". Now, it's decently likely that this "Unknowing" is something being manned by The NotThem and its allies, but other parties could be involved, since these supposed "aspects of The Stranger" don't seem to be the only ones against the institute. The Divine Host for example has closed eye imagery, suggesting some sort of rivalry, they also obscure in the face of a seeker of knowledge via their darkness, and I definitely think the institute is responsible for selling out their location to the police. You also have Jane Prentiss, or rather The Flesh Hive as a whole, who attacked the institute solely because it sook to understand them without their consent. So maybe this "Unknowing" will involve multiple different factions gunning for the institute, which....would admittedly work well with that whole sustainer vs. invader theory, but...I'm not going to go there out of fear of losing my mind, and it's also nearly midnight right now. Either way, I definitely think this "Unknowing" will be a much grander plot than something like the Prentiss attack, especially if it's being built up in a season where...there's no way it's happening in the last 30 minutes. I don't entirely know what this thing might be...but it's mention is interesting.

God, like....who am I supposed to chher for in this podcast? Do I follow The Magnus Institute or The Stranger? Do I follow the spiders or The Cult of The Lightless Flame? I just...UGH! Everyone's so confusing, one minute a faction is exactly what we need in an era of strife, and the next minute they're Satan incarnate! I think I'll just side with Micheal right now, because he's apparently neutral, and I'm also not immune to the bias generated by a scary blonde man. Well...there's one last thing The NotThem has to say. And it's...quite a big shock. It questions the effects of "wearing" Jon...and asks if "it'll really become The Archivist", and if it'll "rob the eye of its pupil"...before deciding otherwise, and saying it'd just be better to simply kill Jon. Wow. That's...very well timed given what I talked about in my last supplemental. So...yeah. While the details are still as vague as they can possibly be...this is a major step towards some REALLY big things. The NotThem has definitively confirmed that "The Archivist"....isn't just some fancy job title with nothing else. It is a title that holds...power. Being The Archivist means to be important in some sort of way. Jon isn't just some random schmuck who got stuck in this situation by working at the institute like everyone else...he's special, but I DON'T THINK IT'S IN A GOOD WAY. The NotThem calling him "the eye's pupil" comes off as some metaphorical wordplay to me, it suggests that Jon is in some way specially chosen by the patron of The Magnus Institute in order to fulfill some role in the greater narrative, making him likely to be more important than...anyone else in the institute, maybe even the god damn head. And if...whatever the hell these responsibilities are come with the occupation of archivist, then the same logic applies to Gertrude and all who came before her. And like....you know what this reminds me of? You know someone else with a connection to an eldritch power who supposedly possessed some kind of important role? Some kind of....destiny mayhaps? Yeah, for some god forsaken reason, my mind jumped to Agnes Montague after hearing this, and if you recall...her life sounds like it was kind of shitty. You know, between this reveal and the new parts of The NotThem's past that got told to us, I find that "purpose" is...an oddly recurring theme throughout this episode, it's not there a ton...but it's there more than I thought. And do you have any idea what the worst part about all of this is? As always...I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THIS REALLY MEANS!!! All I know is that Jon is actually kind of super mega IMPORTANT now. He's not just the guy Jonny decided to saddle us with for 200 episodes, he's like...someone with an actual stake in the grander narrative, like...he's starting to give off the vibes of a fucked up twist on the chosen one trope, and I DO NOT like that. I don't have a damn clue what it really means to be "The Archivist"...but this solidifies that...whatever the meaning....it's a whole new can of worms, and Jon...he's more than just an employee at the institute, he's more than just a guy who walked into the wrong building...he has purpose, purpose seemingly born from a long line of predecessors...and it could mean so many things. All I can say is that I definitely think this explains why Micheal refers to him the way he does, why Tim believes Jon is supernatural in his own right, and it might even connect to some of the aspects surrounding the statements which I'm starting to find a bit weird, such as the tapes, Jon's commitment to whoever's voice he's acting as, and how people from all different sorts of backgrounds give nearly perfect accounts of their stories. I just...uggggggghhhh. What sort of Pandora's Box of mysteries has this skinny-ass monster just opened. Please just...just give me answers please. I...really don't have the energy or resources to make a big-ass theory on this one...at least not yet. Does it connect to ✨the horrors✨? The statements? The institute? The simulation theory? Micheal again? I...do not know... :/

(OH GOD MY INTERNET DROPPED OUT I THOUGHT THESE PAST FIVE PARAGRAPHS WERE A GONER HOLY FUCK)

Well...time to wrap this one up I guess. There's just...so much. I will never know peace, will I? So, as The NotThem tells its story, Jon starts whispering...what he believes to be his last words into his tape recorder, apologizing to Martin, Tim....and Sasha for everything that he's done, and telling them to get as far away from the institute as they can if they're still alive. ....NOOOOOOOO STOP MAKING ME CRY YOU HORRID SHOW YOU!!! God, that is...that is super sad. It's not only another example of Jon fully expecting his own death, but shows that even after all of the shit he's pulled over the course of the season, all of the insanity...he's still far from a bad person. Sure, you can argue the apology he gave in Distant Cousin wasn't genuine, that he was simply using it to divert Martin and Tim's attention...but that doesn't change the fact that deep down, he genuinely feels terrible for what he did, and does really care for his coworkers, nay, his FRIENDS...even the one who isn't around anymore. I fully understand Tim's frustration in a lot of areas...but if he were to hear this tape...I don't know, I'd hope that'd set things into perspective. Because if Jon's last words are an apology to his friends, and a desire to keep him safe...I'd still consider him an overall good person, despite his flaws. God I just...I LOVE how fleshed out these guys are becoming! Like...they're genuinely so humanly written and it makes me so happy! Do you want to know what doesn't make me happy? Jon, about to get fucking murdered. So yeah, The NotThem finally catches up to him, Jon begs for mercy and makes me cry once again...but just before The NotThem can strike...something strange happens. The sound of stone and brick shifting is heard, and the horrific monster that replaced all those people lets out a shrill scream..and then...silence. Footsteps are heard...and then a brand new voice approaches, telling Jon that it's finally time they have a talk. Yes, they're finally here. The mystery figure from the tunnels. Oh, they're literally credited as mystery figu-OH WHAT THE FUCK?! COME ON, REALLY?! YOU"RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME WHO IT IS?! GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH-wait. No this is. This is good actually, Because if their identity was revealed to be something majorly shocking right here and right now, I'd have to write like...at least two more paragraphs. But either way...holy shit. They were first teased at the very beginning of the season...and now they're here in the flesh. And...yeah I'm placing my bets on this being Dekker. Not only could I see the voice really working for him, but like...even if it's through the structure-shifting ability and not the table...he LITERALLY seals The NotThem once again in this scene. Or...did he kill it? Because...I don't know, it kind of sounded like it got eviscerated with the perfectly cut scream and all. If it's just sealed under the floor or something...well uh...that's progress...but I would still probably like to kill it if possible. Like...that's still around...no thank you. But if it's actually dead for real now....REST IN HELL BITCH!!! YOU TOTALLY DESERVE THIS....although I will kind of miss you because you were a very threatening and creative main antagonist for the season who was implemented perfectly but GET FUCKED REGARDLESS!!! Well....whoever this guy is (please be Dekker please be Dekker), the one thing we can say for certain about him is that he's voiced by Paul Sims, Jonny's dad. ....Look, I'm just saying that if this guy really did murder Gertrude....that is some morbid-ass meta humor on Jonny's part. Just....wow. ....One episode left, huh? How time flies....I'm gonna be 100% real I am shaking in my bed right now.

So that's Hide and Seek. Firstly, I need to congratulate everyone involved in everything up until this point. The first two seasons of this podcast has absolutely proven itself to be one of my favorite things....ever, really, and I'm not even halfway done with the entire thing, yet I have no doubts that it'll continue to be excellent. Secondly....what the fuck is your problem and what the hell do you have in store for me now. Just...oh god I am so unprepared. Human Remains was a nice way to wrap things up with some big revelations and set-up for the next season...but this...I am so terrified of what's to come, because there's NO WAY they just skip to after the whole fiasco again. Jon is now hanging out with some mystery man (if it's his dad in-universe or something I will not hesitate to wear someone's ribcage as a coat), Martin and Tim have been sent to ultra super mega hell (now with shitty wallpaper), Micheal is...Michealing, The NotThem is either sealed again or FUCKING DEAD, and Elias is just...up in his office celebrating April 20th early I guess. I'm just...wow. This was a great episode through and through, as short as it was, it was still extremely tense, and gave both amazing character insight and insane plot reveals and implications. But...where the hell do they go from here?! Even though the last episode is the longest one so far, I don't know if they'll be able to cover everything it seems like they're aiming for, let alone anything I suggested in my predictions halfway through the post. I'm just...I can't even put my thoughts and feelings into any words other than "wow". I'll...um...I guess I'll be back for the next one.....hm.

Supplemental: Truth be told there's...not a lot I forgot to mention in that section. At least...I think so? It's...honestly kind of hard to tell right now, I'm still mulling so many things over in my head and...it's all so scrambled. I did...write a couple of things down though. So, I was thinking about those scenes we get where Jon reads excerpts of things that aren't statements, so like, those parts of The Tale of a Field Hospital, or that account of William W. Hay's time aboard the hospital train that now lies in the scrapyard in Rotherham. Well, I realized that I forgot to mention one of these in my last post, and that was the quote Jon found on the burnt scrap of Gertrude's copy of The Key of Solomon. The quote reads as follows:

"They have for adversaries the Satariel, or concealers, the Demons of absurdity, of intellectual inertia, and of Mystery."

Now, Gertrude's copy of The Key of Solomon was a Leitner, so it could very well have some altered text like The Tale of a Field Hospital, but it's worth noting that this quote does exist in the original text. However, I point it out here due to...how well it corresponds with recent themes, particularly the light shed on ✨the horrors✨ as of late. They've been connected to the concept of demonology for a very long time, and the whole bit about "concealers" or "mystery"....I don't know, that's very in line with what I believe The Stranger is supposed to be. So yeah...I just thought this was worth bringing attention to. Oh, and on the note of ✨the horrors✨...I feel like when given Jon's monologue about The NotThem and the table, and all of the stuff with the eyes in the institute and...so on and so forth, ✨the horrors✨ could...very well get some light shed on them in the very near future, so because of that (and also because it's been a while since I've done this)...here's my updated list of ✨the horrors✨.

- The Stranger (1, 3, 24, 28, 25, 39, 44, 54, 61, 77, 78, 79)

Servants Include: The Anglerfish, Breekon and Hope, The NotThem, The Other Circus

Fear of being deceived

- The Vast (4, 21, 46, 51, 57, 75)

Servants Include: Mike Crew, The Fairchild Family

Fear of falling and/or drowning

- The Flesh Hive (6, 22, 26, 32, 36, 39, 40, 45, 55, 68)

Servants Include: Jane Prentiss, John Amherst

Fear of disease and bugs

- The End (11, 29, 43, 62, 64, 70)

Servants Include: The Reapers, Dr. Margaret Tellison(?)

Fear of mortality or immortality

- The Piper (7, 28, 42, 68(?), 76)

Servants Include: Wilfred Owen, Alfred Grifter, Train Ghost

Fear of bloodlust and violence

- The Lightless Flame (8, 12, 37, 43, 55, 59, 67)

Servants Include: Agnes Montague, Arthur Nolan, Diego Molina

Fear of fire

- The Spiders (8, 16, 19, 59, 69, 78)

Servants Include: Raymond Fielding, Annabelle Cane, Adelard Dekker, Mystery Homeless Woman

Fear of spiders and control

- Mr. Pitch (9, 15, 25, 52, 63, 73)

Servants Include: The People’s Church of The Divine Host

Fear of the dark

- The Observer (12, 23, 53, 60)

Servants Include: The Magnus Institute, The Keay Family (minus Mary), The Archivist Cyclops Ghost

Fear of being watched

- Isolation (13, 33, 57, 66)

Servants Include: The Lukas Family (minus Evan)

Fear of isolation

- Compression (15, 50, 66, 71)

Servants Include: George Gilbert Scott, The Governor

Fear of being trapped or compressed

- Body Horror (5, 14, 17, 18, 30, 49, 58, 72)

Servants Include: Tom Haan, John Haan, Jared Hopworth, Eustace Wick, Angela

Fear of meat, mutilation and cannibalism

- Ushanka’sDespair.exe (65)

Servants Include: \/(I\I)\/

Fear of losing your humanity

And then….I’m kind of on the fence on whether or not Micheal’s a part of this list, or something else entirely at this point. Well…that’s all. I’ll see you for the next one...

- Episode 80, The Librarian 📚

Statement of Jurgen Leitner, regarding his life and works. Statement taken direct from subject.

Stupid.

Idiot.

Mother.

Fucking.

....Jurgen Leitner. *inhales*.....

....*exhales*. Ok. Without further ado. ....WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?????!!!!! I just. HUH?! YOU'RE JUST. YOU'RE JUST ENDING THE SEASON LIKE THAT HUH?! HOW. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT COMING?! ...oh my god I wasn't, was I? I...what am I even doing anymore? Like...now that...all of that has been thrown at me...is there even a point in theorizing anymore? Because I think i have to accept that I'm just...not going to be prepared for anything anymore. I'm just. Wow. On one hand, I'm still stunned that I can officially say I've listened to 2 entire seasons and 80 whole episodes of this story, that is a massive milestone to me. But on the other hand...holy shit there's three more seasons of this?! And then a whole-ass sequel series?! Like. How. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE ANY MORE OF THIS?! I'm just...look, I still plan to see this entire project through. I've gotten this far, there's no way I'm giving up writing these things when I'm not even at the halfway point. But...I just don't know what to believe anymore....dear lord. So uh...if you couldn't tell...I'm a teensy bit frazzled after this one. Fun fact, I actually listened to Distant Cousin right before a show I was performing in, and like...I thought that was bad at the time. I...could not have been prepared for the feeling of listening to this, away from home, 1 hour before I had to head out to go see Starkid in one of the most life-changing experiences I have ever had. BIG MISTAKE, WOULD NOT RECCOMEND. (concert went great though lol) Ok...screaming aside for a second...this is...pretty damn polarizing. Did I think this was a good way to end the season? Uh...yeah? I'm still kind of deciding as I write this to be honest. I can at the very least say that it left my mouth agape, and it was...certainly a real show-stopping way to end the season, it definitely went out with a bang, but...whether or not I think it's a good way to end the season overall...I feel like that hinges on how well it transitions into Season 3, so...I might reserve my judgement for now. I cannot imagine what it must have been like during the hiatus between seasons, dear lord. Either way though...I can say that this episode was an experience like no other, so...when looking at it on it's own, I feel pretty confident when I say it was fucking amazing.

And honestly...looking at it on its own is probably the best thing I can do right now if I want to maintain my sanity, because...this is by far the biggest lore bomb in the entire podcast so far (and I would NOT be upset if it stayed the biggest lore bomb until the end because jfc), and...there's just a lot. I'm going to make whatever connections I can, but...I doubt I'll be able to pinpoint each and every one of them, at least for the time being. So, just expect me to...work with what I think is the most important for the time being. Rather than make some crazy theories based on miscellaneous lines of dialogue, I'm just going to try and examine and contemplate what the episode clearly tells us, because not only does that information trigger a MASSIVE change in the status quo that I feel like I need to come to terms with before I jump into Season 3, but...that is already a massive workload in it of itself. If I made another "aspect of The Stranger" theory out of this one...I would explode in a nuclear blast that destroys the entirety of the UK. And I mean...god, that information huh? Overall, I think this episode did a great job solving the core mysteries of Season 2, some minor details are still left unaccounted for, but they wrapped the important stuff up nicely, and I'm happy to say that a good few of my predictions and theories ended up being right, some of which I wasn't expecting (although there were also quite a few that ended up being wrong, but they still had cool answers.) But...the thing is...gaining those answers has in turn spawned like...twenty new questions, and because of that...I don't know if this is the most fulfilling or confusing experience in tma so far. And like, that's JUST the lore bits. As for the events that actually transpired on the 16th of February, 2017...you know what, we'll get to it when we get to it. This is already the longest intro I've written for any of these posts, and this is the longest episode in the entire series so far, so...let's just begin. Oh [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER], we're really in for it now... You know, I had actually heard of Brutal Pipe Murder before due to all the memes, but I had no context since I wasn't listening to tma at the time. I was actually starting to think it had something to do with The Piper...but now I'm wondering if that would've been a better outcome for the characters because...what the fuck Elias.

You know....I think it's very telling of this episode's insanity that simply reading the description of this episode was enough to make me recoil from my laptop, not even listening to the damn intro and...already a surprise. So...let's just get it out of the way. As it turns out, the person in the tunnels, the mysterious man with a power over archietecture...was not Adelard Dekker. He wasn't Micheal, he wasn't some eldritch abomination...he was...someone who you might call the biggest clown in the circus. He was potentially laughed out of town. For reasons beyond our comprehension, someone once compared him to a cowboy. Yeah...it's Jurgen Fucking Leitner. I just...wow. You know, it- actually, I don't know whether or not I should have expected this. On one hand, the idea of Leitner showing up at all...yeah, I'm honestly surprised with myself for not even having the thought cross my mind. Leitners have been very prominent throughout this season, both in statements and the overarching plot, especially everything with Gertrude, so...him showing up here is definitely fitting, and he's a great choice for the last statement giver of the season. But at the same time...DAMN did they hide him well. Having him be like....THE guy in the tunnels, the big surprise character reveal for the season...that's just a brilliant move all around, and it thankfully still manages to make perfect sense after everything is revealed. I think maybe the reason I was so surprised by his inclusion here was that...I was always under the impression that if we met him in the first place, he'd be a considerably late addition. I mean, it seemed like the man had caused the most worldwide damage out of anyone in the story so far, and he had this kind of...loremaster vibe going on from what little we knew about him. Both of those thoughts ring truer than ever after this episode, but...no, he's here. Like...I still can't get over it. I...I got to hear JURGEN LEITNER'S voice. Wow. I...honestly don't know why I thought "The Librarian" was referring to Gertrude, maybe it's just because she reminds me of every terrifying presence of a librarian I've met before. And now that he's here...what do I think of him? Well...he isn't exactly what I expected. To make things clear, I wasn't expecting some super evil villain or anything. Mary made it clear that Leitner was a rather kind and courteous person (and when she of all characters considers a person "boring"...well then that person is probably alright), and the story so far has made it clear that Leitner is not the direct creator of the books, just connected to them in a few ways. But even then...I thought he'd be a bit more imposing, a bit more strong and grand. Don't get me wrong, he still definitely has some powerful abilities, and I still believe that out of everyone so far...this guy is like, THE main cause for most bad things that have happened in tma so far. But...that's only because of the mistakes he's made, not really his own power, and overall...he's just a sad, pitiful and regretful old man who's been hiding underground for over two decades. It's far from a problem or anything like that, I think it's really interesting to see what he's finally like at all, and this personality makes PERFECT sense for him when you consider what we learn of his past. But....it's a surprise, a damn good one, but....yeah. Well...I'll cover him a bit more when we get to the actual details, but for now..the actual plot.

So, after their meeting in the tunnels, Jon and Leitner headed back up to the archives. Leitner seems....hasty for all intents and purposes, he clearly wants Jon to help him with something urgent and likely dangerous, although we don't quite learn what he wants until the end of the episode, and...that's mostly due to Jon's opinions. Understandably...he does not trust Leitner. Not only because of the sheer power he displayed, and the general...craziness that's been going on, but also because...it's Jurgen fucking Leitner. The books this man possessed are responsible for the transformations of Mike Crew and Jared Hopworth, the immortality of Mary Keay and...other unfortunate souls, and the deaths of...so, so many people. Whether intentionally or not...Leitner's possession of these tomes has done damage, so I get Jon's fear. He also decides to place the pipe he found in the tunnels on the table for protection, a gesture that I'm sure will have no later repercussions. Anyways, while the two of them are obviously not on great terms right out the gate...they come to an agreement. Jon will help Leitner with whatever he needs, but in return, he must answer all of his questions. So...yeah, this episode is basically one massive lore dump from one of the most important characters in the story...and as much as that intimidates me, I couldn't be happier. Besides, I'm happy they've saved this for the finale rather than putting it in a place where I'm unprepared, it's much appreciated. It also makes Leitner's statement (the part where Jon says "Statement of Jurgen Leitner" went SO HARD for some reason) feel like more of...an interview, or a conversation than most, Jon feels a bit more involved this time than he usually is, even amongst other statements taken direct from subjects. Regardless, the first question he asks (although it's technically before the statement), is...what happened to The NotThem, and also the original Sasha? Well...unfortunately, The NotThem is not truly dead...and Sasha is. In fact, Leitner actually doubts that The NotThem is even capable of dying to begin with. ...great. He explains that he's managed to trap the monster, hopefully for a very long time...but if it could be released from the table, I...don't think we're done with this thing quite yet. Based on what happens later in this episode, I think "The Unknowing" will play quite a prominent role in the not-so-distant future, and...whatever it is, The NotThem is most definitely aware of and likely connected to it, so...I feel like it'll get released sooner rather than later. ...Yikes. Also, it just now occurs to me that due to how this episode ends, the chances of Tim and Martin being aware of the truth about Not!Sasha are slim to none, so...that's fun. Well, hopefully it remains dormant for a decent amount of time, even if it unfortunately hinders exploration of the tunnels.

Speaking of which, the second question Jon asks is one regarding the tunnels! Unfortunately, the tunnels remain as one of the big Season 2 mysteries that we...don't truly understand. We don't know how and why Robert Smirke built them, nor do we know why Jonah Magnus likely felt a need to build the institute on top of them, which is...honestly more of a confusing decision than ever given what we now know regarding...what forces the institute belongs to, and what forces the tunnels don't. However, we do learn about the weird shifting and compressing that Jon witnessed during his explorations, which directly connects to Leitner's ability to shift Smirke's architecture, the same ability he used to trap The NotThem. As I suspected, he doesn't possess any supernatural abilities in his blood, he's much like Mary in the sense that he's not restricted by any one power. Oh...I guess I should address that. So...this episode basically confirms that these...greater eldritch forces, this pantheon of higher powers that have caused everything to happen...are indeed real. I'll go into my thoughts on this reveal and the nitty gritty details later on, but for now, I just want to make it clear that I'm still going to be calling them ✨the horrors✨, since while they've been referred to as things like...."powers", "forces", "entities", it's hard for me to pick up on any one canonical term for referring to them that's more prominent than others, so I'm just going to stick with the one I've made until further notice. It's just that now....I can be a lot more sure of their existence than I was before, at least to an extent. (Don't worry though, I will absolutely be keeping up with the sparkle effects if a canon term is revealed, those are WAY too near and dear to my heart.) Uh...but going back to Jurgen, while he can't wield the powers of ✨the horrors✨ through sheer force of will, he CAN do so via his books. And...he just so happens to be in possession of two as we speak, specifically the ones that Gertrude bought. Uh...yeah, we'll ALSO get to his relationship with her later. Regardless, all of that manipulation of the tunnels he did was due to "The Seven Lamps of Architecture", which much like The Tale of a Field Hospital, is very different from the real world version, being presumably published a year before Ruskin began writing the book, and having text that varies quite a bit from the original. Leitner says that the book makes one feel as if the walls are pressing in around them, and that if handled recklessly it will physically entomb whoever's reading it. This leads me to come to the logical conclusion that this book is an extension of whichever member of ✨the horrors✨ has a fondness for compressing its victims. But despite the dangers, Leitner has learned how to utilize it without much issue, although it's quite arduous and difficult. Apparently, it has a special connection to Smirke's architecture, which is...kind of weird to me? Smirke certainly has his connections to this...compression power, but based on how he talked about George Gilbert Scott, someone who is...DEFINITELY serving the thing, I got the sense that he probably wasn't all that fond of it. So...the fact that The Seven Lamps interacts so well with his work is weird to me, but it...might make sense given some of the additional lore we get surrounding his work. But back to Leitner, uh...yeah, he was basically using The Seven Lamps to keep Jon from finding him or going too deep until he decided whether or not to make contact, and he obviously used it to trap The NotThem.

He also finally explains what was up with all of the trash strewn around, and the arrow. The trash...well, there's not much new there, we just learn that it WASN'T a trail, and that Leitner was just being messy. But as for the arrow...it was apparently drawn by The NotThem, who as Jon and I suspected, was looking for Leitner. THIS is a bit more interesting to me. When I assumed that the person in the tunnels was Adelard, I thought The NotThem was after him for the sake of revenge. (Oh god...now I have to think about where Adelard actually is...) But now...I have to wonder why it was after Leitner. If it...didn't know the identity of the person down there, it could've just been out of curiosity, but if it DID know they were Leitner...well, I now suspect everything this creature has done in The Institute is for the sake of this "Unknowing", and that the "secrets" it was sent to steal by Breekon and Hope somehow pertain to it...maybe even being those same missing files we later learn Leitner is after. So with that in mind...I do have to wonder if Leitner somehow pertains(.../pertained) to "The Unknowing" in a relevant way. He's at the very least aware of and interested in this thing, so...hm. Aaaaahhh god I'm rambling again uh...oh! We also learn that he's in possession of the other missing...well, more of a pamphlet than a book, that Gertrude had. This one, entitled "A Dissapearance" has the ability to remove its reader from the world, but reading one or two words is uh..."sufficient to hide me from the prying eyes of your master", as Leitner says...we'll get to that. Unlike with The Seven Lamps, I...don't actually really know which of ✨the horrors✨ this one belongs to. If I had to guess, it would be The Stranger, since the whole "removal from existence" thing reminds me of The NotThem, but...it doesn't seem to erase memories, and it lacks all of those themes of...the uncanny, deception, so on and so forth that The Stranger seems to possess, so I'm honestly not sure. But, yeah, this pamphlet has allowed Leitner to hide from others when he needs to, and has even let him go above ground, sometimes to meet with Gertrude when she was still alive. He...also mentions that one of his library assistants was never seen again after reading the thing. This...recklessness that Leitner has with his assistants is pretty interesting to me, especially with how it both parallels and foils the institute...but my thoughts on it connect to later revelations, so I'll just leave things here for now. Anyways, all in all, it's nice to finally know what happened to all of Gertrude's remaining Leitners, and learn how Leitner himself has been so evasive all season. It...also makes me realize just how potentially powerful he really could be, or rather...was in his relative youth. Like, sure, he's a rather polite and mostly harmless old man in this episode, but...if he was able to pull all of this off with just two of his nearly 1,000 books that he's come across over the years, then...I kind of shudder to think what he could've been capable of when his library was still around. Anyways...moving on! ....christ this is going to be a long one, isn't it?

So, the next question Jon asks Leitner is...how long has he even been down there? As we already knew, Leitner went into hiding roughly...21 years ago, after his library "burned down." It sounds like he's been in the tunnels for a very long time, but he clarifies that he hasn't spent all of the time down there beneath the institute, since they stretch all across Millbank. (which I actually explored during my trip to London last weekend! Omg I'm just like Jon.) This actually reminded me of all the Millbank Prison details that were given in Too Deep, and I recalled how Jon specifically mentioned how the place was home to one of the more notable attempts at creating a panopticon. ...Given what we learn about the institute in this episode, and how all that correlates nicely with the idea of a tower that watches you when you least expect it, and also...keeps you confined, I do have to wonder if MAYBE that prison design has some greater relevance than I initially assumed. Anyways, Leitner says that he's barely left the tunnels since Gertrude died, mostly due to the fact that despite him having a number of safe spaces on the surface, he constantly finds himself being hunted down by both fearsome monsters, and those who believe he is the one responsible for their loved ones falling victim to ancient tomes beyond mortal comprehension. That...might be an easier explanation as to why The NotThem was so interested in him, maybe the man's just a natural monster magnet in a similar vein to...what I feel like is safe to call Jon now. But who cares about that shit?! Because...Leitner then reveals the most epic piece of information ever conceived.

Apparently, three years ago, he spent a full night outside the tunnels. And on that night, he had the everlasting shit mercillesly beaten out of him, almost to the point of death...by Gerard god damn Keay. Oh. My. God. This...this is everything to me. I don't even think you understand how much I love this. There's like...so much to unpack. Not in the sense that like...this spawns a bunch of new theories, I just...it speaks to me like no other line. Firstly, I'm just happy that Gerard's...finally back in some form. Considering how important the man was in Season 1, I'm...kind of surprised that he's been so absent throughout this season, not even being mentioned in his mother's statement. Although, at the same time, the fact that all he's done this season is go on vacation, warn a woman about the horrors of Genoa (er...not neccessarily the same as ✨the horrors✨ in this case), and then nearly brutally murder Jurgen Leitner...what an icon. I also feel like this gives some...nice clarification when it comes to his character. I've definitely eased off the idea of him being a bad guy as time goes on, considering his negative relationship with his...fucking twisted mother, and his tendency to wipe the ever-dangerous Leitners of the face of the earth...but I feel like this scene adds some additional perspective to his likely motivations. Since Leitner equates him to others who have had their lives destroyed by his books, it...really does get me thinking about how likely fucked up his relationship with Mary is, and really makes it clear...WHY he's so insistent on destroying them. There's still a lot we don't know, and I think he still...BARELY fits into the "morally gray" categoy for me with what knowledge we have, but like...these books are a contributing reason as to why Mary is as fucked up as she is, and given how she was shown to be a twsted psychopath from at least the age of nine...Gerard probably had to put up with her shenanigans all his life. By proxy...Leitners ruined his life as well, so I feel like this initially goofy-sounding action of his actually told me quite a lot about him. Even if he's dead, I really hope we get some sort of statement from him at one point or another, because as much as I already do find him super cool and interesting...he's always played the role of an elusive stranger in all of his episodes, and the one statement giver who actually knew the guy didn't even talk about him at all. So getting to hear things from his perspective, get a better look at his personality and past...yeah, I'd really like it, and I think the chances are pretty high, given his family's connections to the institute, and the fact that he uh...seemingly serves its patron. Oh, and mentioning him being dead! If he died in 2014, and Leitner was beat up by him three years ago, and this episode takes place in 2017...then there is a very good chance that one of, if not THE last notable thing Gerard Keay did before death was nearly killing Jurgen Leitner...and that is so important to me. Rock on king. Heh..."killing Jurgen Leitner". I mean, what kind of psycho would do such a thing to the old man?

Ok, so...moving on. Now, Jon then asks Leitner about...his motives. If he didn't make the books himself, then why did he mark them all with his name? Why did he build his library? ....What was the point of all of this? Now...believe me, this has been a burning question in my mind for the longest time, and it's part of why Leitner's general existence has been such a frustrating anomaly to me. ...Ok, I call him frustrating, but to be honest, a lot of that "frustration" only comes from the rant playing in my head nonstop, and the fact that we...really didn't know much else about the man, but to make myself clear...I quite like him after this episode. He's made some mistakes, BY GOD has he made some mistakes...but for all intensive purposes, I enjoy his character, he's interesting and rather charming at times, with Paul Sims doing an excellent job at portraying him. (Side note, I know he's probably voiced by Paul due to his connections with Gertrude, but...given how Sue Sims probably voices her because she's Jon's predecessor...I do have to wonder if this hints at some deeper connection between Leitner and Jon? Even if they don't know each other personally? Hm. ...I swear to god if him and Gertrude are the man's parents I'll eat my foot) ...FUCK I'm getting sidetracked. Uh..back to my main point. Basically, while the answers are really interesting...I'm just going to skip this part of the statement for now, move on to the part where he talks about his life, the library and its ultimate destruction, and then talk about his motivations when it's appropriate to do so. I just think it's easier that way. Anyways, disregarding all that for a moment, Jon asks Leitner...to tell him everything. The whole story behind the books, his library, "the attack"...all of it. And...it is certainly quite the tale. ...How are we just now getting to the main story of his statement?

...Ok. So, the Leitner family was one that possessed great wealth, as all who commit cosmically stupid mistakes usually do, formerly dealing in manufacture before moving on to property holdings and investments, and they emigrated to England not too long after Jurgen was born. Leitner had...basically his entire life set from birth, and never HAD to do anything of value to succeed, but despite that...he still desired to put effort into doing something noteworthy. You know...for all of the guy's mistakes and flaws, that's actually pretty cool of him. In a world where the majority of the wealthy old men seem content to throw people into the depths of the ocean or isolate them in space until they attempt to kill themselves, both seemingly doing so...because they have the money, I can respect a guy who sets out on a more humble endeavor...even if it ended up getting pretty crazy in the end. Unfortunately, despite his dreams, Leitner initially struggled to find a calling in life, as politics, academia and business all left him unsatisfied...but eventually, he found his skill for finding things. He possessed an uncanny ability to locate items of great value, and eventually, those talents gave him an audience with some of the wealthiest and most eccentric curio hunters in the entire world. It was from an associate named Desmond Lorell where he first learned of the books. Now, Desmond was a foolish man who was completely unaware of how powerful and dangerous these books really were, and...when he found one titled "The Stalwart Hunter's Almanac" well, he did not handle it with care, and...the results of doing so certainly came to bite him in the ass. Much like with "A Disappearance", it's a little hard to tell which one of ✨the horrors✨ this one really belongs to, but...Leitner says that Desmond was found mutilated, so I'm inclined to believe it relates to the meat, since that...seems to be that one's domain. Oh, and of course, the almanac ended up being Leitner's....first of many dark tomes, and the beginning of a chain of truly gruesome events. Surprisingly, Leitner immediately accepted the existence of the paranormal as soon as he discovered it, simply adapting its existence into his life and workflow...and after easily tracking down a few more books, he unfortunately found his calling. Going back to the part where Leitner explains his plans and motivations...it's interesting. Despite his experiences, he was so motivated by his desire to be appreciated and recognized, his own pride, his...let's face it, savior complex, that he remained blind to the true power of the books. He had this strong desire to be known, he thought that if he were able to lock away the eldritch forces of the world in a singular location, his name and library would stand as symbols of peace and justice...but he was a fool. He thought he could control the power within the books, that they had rules and limits, but ultimately...did not understand what was behind them, and didn't even know that ✨the horrors✨ had servants to begin with. You know...considering how much the idea of "person's beloved hobby and/or career gets turned against them" gets utilized in tma, all often using the theme of punishment for hubris...it feels very damn fitting that said hubris was Leitner's motivations. Just...just wow. Ultimately, he's far from a bad person at heart...but he REALLY fucked up didn't he? He's a...flawed and complicated human, and I think the fact that all of these details are revealed in one episode, with more big ones unlikely to come up in the future (because...you know...bonk bonk drip drip), is what makes him such a good and interesting character to me. Anyways, uh...back to the story.

So, with his purpose set in stone, Leitner got to work. Initially, he put...little thought into where the books actually came from, he just focused on acquiring them, and uh..."making sure he had the staff he could spare to study them." ....You know, if that line came from ANYONE else...the connotations would be so much more different. However, he started to run into problems after a while. Once he had built up a decent collection, Leitner found that some of the books reacted....negatively when put close to one another, adding to that idea of ✨the horrors✨ being in...opposition to one another. Thankfully, he was able to get help when he discovered Smirke's architecture for the first time. Apparently, he had written a number of philosophies about how to balance opposing forces, ones that he seemingly incorporated into his architectural designs. So, Leitner commissioned his library to be built in that style, while also buying out a number of buildings that he had built himself...and with that, The Library of Jurgen Leitner had finally been built, and he had acquired a number of additional buildings to store them in as well, and had also finally made his bookplates, which he claims were made as a way of tracking down the books, but...deep down, he did it out of vanity. ...There's quite a bit to unpack there. First of all, I think this finally explains a bit about the timeline surrounding Old Passages. I think the passage that contained the animal bone book was likely one of these extra-mini libraries he possessed, given how they were all built by Smirke. Which I guess means he...did eventually get a hole to the place made? Maybe? That...could potentially require me to adjust my number of ✨the horrors✨ from 14 to 13 if it turned out that one of the passages was just his own tunnel...although I kind of doubt that's the case given how they were all framed. So...that means that he probably stored the book there, and then Gerard retrieved it in the early 2000s when he was a teenager, and it fell back into Mary's hands afterwards, whether consensually on Gerard's part or through force being unclear, so...I guess her saying she got it back after "the attack" was just a timeline thing, and it doesn't really connect to said attack.

But...moving on from that, I find this whole...ability of Smirke, his ability to balance ✨the horrors✨ and make them less powerful very interesting. It very much ties back into a lot of things we already know about him, like the "balance and fear" plaque in Old Passages, and his spiel about balance and equilibrium he gives to Sampson Kempthorne when he shittalks George Gilbert Scott in Foundations. But outside of that...well, part of it just gets me thinking about...what kind of knowledge this guy even had outside of architecture (the fact they're going THIS far with a real historical figure is kind of insane to me), but I feel like it also explains a lot of his motivations. I was initially under the impression that Smirke was building all of these horrific estates for dark forces out of....just being another weird servant of ✨the horrors✨, probably not bound to any specific one in the same vein as Mary and Leitner, but still...kind of a freaky guy. But now that we know his goal with the architecture was to create balance between these dark forces that are always at war with each other...yeah, I kind of think the man's saving people's asses as we speak. Now, after hearing this, I thought "oh, if his architecture can manage ✨the horrors✨, then maybe the tunnels are a sort of safe space", but...no, that's...entirely wrong of me. I mean, we have Micheal, The NotThem and The Seven Lamps of Architecture all working down there, Micheal outright says that everyone's safer in the institute than in the tunnels, and I mean...all of Smirke's architecture so far has had something freaky inside. Sure, the tunnels act as a safe space for Leitner, but I think that's less of a crazy cosmic horror deal and more of a...just being underground and generally well hidden sort of deal, so overall, that line of thinking was VERY wrong of me. I think it's actually a lot more likely that Smirke built these as places to...contain ✨the horrors✨, pretty much exactly like how Leitner did. They might be really freaky and dangerous spaces on their own, but...if not for his work, who knows how rampant ✨the horrors✨ would be today. So yeah, Smirke seems like he was a pretty cool guy for his time...but there is one other thing that bothers me.

For a while now, I've been wondering...why exactly the institute was constructed over the tunnels. And unfortunately...this episode just makes things more complicated for me. This episode gives us definitive confirmation that the institute belongs to one of✨the horrors✨, and while it's TECHNICALLY possible that connection only arrived when Elias became head, or maybe someone else...I have some slight doubts. I'm far from entirely closed off to that being a possibility, but given the long-standing connection to the von Closens and The Keays that has persisted since the institute's founding...I feel somewhat confident in the idea that the institute has had these connections to its patron since it's conception, especially due to all of the weird oddities surrounding Jonah Magnus and the like. So...if you're in service of one of ✨the horrors✨...why would you want to build the institute over a place that seeks to contain and suppress its power? Sure, maybe it has a chance of keeping the institute a little bit safe from your enemies, but...you're unlikely to be an exception in this case. So...why? But, I mean, hey, this is all on the assumption that Jonah Magnus, or anyone else who might've been involved in the institute's founding, was a servant of ✨the horrors✨. But truth be told...we know very little about Jonah, or the early history of the institute in general. I mean, he was definitely up to some sketchy stuff, probably doing some pretty deep digging when you remember he...SOMEHOW found Mrs. Carlisle's journal in a random cave in Idaho, but...that's really it, and they could go in a ton of directions when it comes to all this. The only person in all of the institute's history we know of who is a willing servant of ✨the horrors✨...is Elias, so it's possible all of this freaky shit started with him. I...could make an argument for either side honestly. Maybe it gained its patron when it was founded, maybe it did so when Elias arrived, or maybe it did so somewhere in between, who knows? I'm just going to leave it up in the air for the time being, because I want to be open to all logical possibilities regarding this matter...but that does mean that for now, the purpose of building the institute above the tunnels remains an anomaly. ...Where was I? Oh yeah, THE ACTUAL PLOT. ...help me please. ...I just realized how surprising it is that we didn't get more on that skin page Mary gave Gertrude. Like...I'm kind of glad they didn't give me EVEN more to chew on, but like...come on, what the hell was up with that?

Ok, so, with all of that, Leitner had finally built his grand library. A vast, maze-like structure located in who-knows-where that was home to...978 books in the end, dear god. That's not a lot for an average library...but it's concerning for one of this type. Unfortunately though...the library did not stand for a very long time, as it wasn't long until "the attack" happened. Now, we were initially led to believe that the library burned down...but what actually happened was so much worse. So, Leitner had put great effort into making sure that the power of the books was contained within his library, hence Smirke's designs...but he did not account for stopping things from getting in, because outside of the few odd artifacts, he didn't know that ✨the horrors✨ could manifest in ways other than the books, let alone have servants. For a while before the attack, almost every day Leitner would be met with a stranger who wished to view his collection. They were always...odd, speaking and moving in non-human ways, often forgetting to blink. Based on this description, I think it's likely that these..."people" were agents of The Stranger...meaning that they kind of spearheaded the attack. I find this relevant because, well...it's pretty easy to see the parallels between Leitner's library and the institute, and given my theory about what "The Unknowing" is....and how it's seemingly being spearheaded by servants of The Stranger...well, we'll get to it later, just know that I feel like the parallels are worth considering in regards to the attack. And speaking of which...the attack. Ok, well before that, I wanted to mention this. Leitner says he was typing a catalogue entry for "A Journal of a Plague Year" on the day of the event, and that's actually another example of a real world book made into a Leitner! Written by Daniel Defoe and published in 1722, it account's the experiences of a London man during the bubonic plague. If the Leitner is at all similar to the original, then I think it probably belongs to The Flesh Hive, given all of the themes of disease it could play with. Anyways, the attack.

So, I initially assumed that Leitner's library burned down, and he scattered his surviving books across the land in an attempt to keep them safe. But the truth of the matter is...well...all of ✨the horrors✨ lead an attack on the library...because all of them were after their books. So...all of the Leitners that have been found in the wild since the attack got to their respective locations through different means. And I mean...god, the description of the attack is just absloutely brutal. All of these assistants who...Leitner clearly saw as disposable, let's be honest, just...dying in the most gruesome ways. From what I can discern, there were four members of ✨the horrors✨ described in this scene. One assistant was stabbed in the throat by a creature with knife-like limbs and too many teeth, which sounds...pretty similar to The NotThem if I'm being honest, so even if it wasn't...I'm inclined to equate this creature to The Stranger. Another one was pulled into a giant pile of meat (gross), which I don't think I need to explain. And then there was one assistant who fell through a hole beneath her, and another who was plucked away by a giant hand from the roof,...and both of those seem to align with "The Vast" in my opinion. And then...there's the assistant who went through a door that shouldn't have been there. ...So yeah, Micheal was there at the attack- or, maybe it wasn't Micheal at the time, it was just The Distortion...uhhhhh...we'll go over that reveal in a bit. Oh, and Leitner also mentions rooms that fell into darkness and fire that didn't burn the books, so..that means Mr. Pitch and The Lightless Flame were also there. Leitner managed to escape, either because ✨the horrors✨ let him or our of luck...but the same could not be said for his assistants. He ran as far away as he could as his life's work was laid to ruin...and that was it. The Library of Jurgen Leitner was destroyed, the books within were scattered across the world and left to bring ruin to the lives of many (well...just The UK so far...I find it kind of hilarious how all of the freaky shit seems to be here of all places, honestly it's not unfitting), and Leitner was left to hide in what little safe space he could find for the next two decades, no books in hand, most of the world presuming him dead, and most who knew he was alive were intent on hunting him down, whether out of monstrous bloodlust or vengeance for their loved ones. The bookplates he once wished would act as a symbol of goodwill became an omen of evil, and therefore...so did he. ...So that's his story. Overall, it's very nice to finally get the full picture on one of the podcast's most vague and mysterious historical events...but MAN is it bleak. It's such a good yet such a depressing story about a man who...really wanted to do good in the world, but was so driven by his own pride and desire to be noticed that he ended up committing acts so cosmically stupid that...I think they beat out the table incident honestly. It's just...IT'S JUST SO GOOD!!! But...even though that's the main story of the episode...it is so far from over yet. There's just...so much. I feel...I feel like Jonny cooked a little TOO hard with this one...uuuaaaaagggghhhh.

Ok...so moving on. So, before the next big reveal comes in, Jon reprimands Leitner for his actions, while also asking why he didn't just burn the books. Leitner says that, once again, it was mostly due to his own pride, but there are some more logistical reasons for it as well. From Book of the Dead, we already know that some of them can't be burned, but...Leitner says that some of them actually liked the fire, and that the ones that did..."would be released to take a different form." ...This is interesting. I think it's safe to say that the books that liked the fire belonged to The Lightless Flame, but...them taking different forms...that's interesting, and someone in the Youtube comments ended up being smart enough to point out...maybe that's where Agnes is from? Obviously she was around LONG before the library was destroyed, but...she doesn't seem to be all that human, and her aging process is also quite the mystery, so...yeah, it's a fun thought, I like the idea of her being a direct manifestation of The Lightless Flame coming from a Leitner. But..moving on from that, Jon asks his next question? If Leitner didn't take any books with him after the attack, how did he get the ones he holds now? Well...this is where Gertrude comes into play. So, funnily enough, I've been on the assumption that she was working with Leitner since Held in Customs, where it was revealed that she was indeed grbookworm1818...but it was actually for the wrong reasons. I thought that she was buying her books directly off of Leitner, but only recently remembered she was getting them from random sources like auctions, so...I find it kind of funny that I accidentally predicted they were working together for completely wrong reasons. But...yeah, when Leitner started his collaboration with her (how they met being unclear), she helped him track down three of the missing books she thought could assist him. Now, Leitner says that while it was mostly done out of a desire to learn more about the books, which makes sense given what we know of her...he suspects that Gertrude helped him out of her own loneliness. That's, uh....not what I expected. From what we've seen of Gertrude so far, I never got the impression that she was...particularly dependent on others in any way shape or form, unless she had some substantial knowledge to gain from collaboration. So...hearing Leitner say this is pretty interesting to me. It's possible that maybe this WASN'T the case, and that Leitner is somewhat unreliable here, but...he seems to know Gertrude quite well, based on my impression of him at least, so I feel kind of obligated to hear him out on this one. Either way...it's an interesting characterization, certainly not what I expected. But...what's more interesting to me is WHY Leitner thinks Gertrude was lonely.

So...apparently, she actually had three assistants of her own, all of whom met "unpleasant ends", the last of them dying not long before she met Leitner. ...Oh dear. Ok, on one hand, this is a SUPER exciting reveal. I'm a sucker for whenever a faction of characters gets to have like...a full-on previous itteration of their group, who all get to be very fleshed out with their own stories, and sometimes act as parallels and/or foils to their successors...so if tma ends up pulling something like that with Gertrude's assistants...OOOHHHH that's enticing. But on the other hand...this is absolutely terrifying. It kind of depends on HOW they died, but...to know that Gertrude lost all of her assistants to...what I can only assume is ✨the horrors✨ is just...no. And like, sure, as far as I'm concerned we have no knowledge of these assistants outside of what's given in this episode, it's not like I'm super invested in them or anything...but I am very invested in our current archival assistants. And you know...given how Gertrude parallels Jon, and how the library parallels the institute, and how both the library and the institute have histories of assistant abuse, and how it's likely the old archival staff will parallel and/or foil the new one, and how Sasha has already left us...yeah, I'm absolutely terrified by the thematic implications here. Just...no. Oh, and the same principle goes for the narrative implications, it's just that...I shouldn't have to explain why people dying horrible deaths is unnerving. ...Gertrude Robinson is simultaneously making more and less sense as the days go on. It's um..it's very...not great sounding. Uh...m-moving on, we also learn what was up with the destroyed copy of The Key of Solomon Jon found in the tunnels (unfortunately the same cannot be said for the destroyed chairs). While some of the finer details are ultimately lost, the implication is that this one belonged to multiple members of ✨the horrors✨, and likely contained knowledge on them as well. Leitner and Gertrude thought they could utilize the stability inside the tunnels to gain its secrets, but it..."went wrong" in the former's words, and they had to destroy it. ...It is after this reveal that Jon asks...what is most definitely his craziest question yet. He asks...what these "powers", these forces arrayed against them, the ones behind everything...even are, and Leitner responds by saying that Jon should know about them by now...but also realizes that he's more of an observer than a connecter (oh my god oh my god), and says that Gertrude was quite similar to him in that regard. But Jon isn't satisfied with that, and he pushes on. So with that...it's time. It's time to finally learn about ✨the horrors✨. ...the way I screamed you have no idea.

Ok...so, starting off, let me just say that....I was right...and I'm extremely happy about that. Ok, well I obviously can't say that I was ENTIRELY right, and honestly, I don't expect myself to be entirely right going forward. Details such as...the exact number of these things, or what each specific one even is beyond the, like...seven that are basically confirmed still elude us, there's a LOT of information revealed here that I never predicted to begin with, especially that in regard to how ✨the horrors✨ function, and said information also creates even MORE questions, so...yeah, I can't fully judge how right or wrong I am until we get more information. But...I can at the very least say that I was right about the idea of all the spooky shit being at the behest of a pantheon of eldritch horrors, and while I'm certain that's far from the craziest theory ever...I don't know, I'm still pretty proud of myself whenever I correctly predict...anything in advance, and what, I've theorized this since like...A Father's Love? I...yeah, I think that's pretty good and validating! And I mean, my experience aside...the fact that there's finally any semblance of confirmation on just...how and why everything has been happening is just...kind of unreal to me. I'm...I'm really at the point where this is canon. Also, because I don't really know where else to put this, I feel like I should mention that...yes, revealing why all of this spooky shit has been happening in the first place and where it comes from...does have the potential to put the story less scary going forward, given how a lot of tma's horror comes from a fear of the unknown. But...I wouldn't be so immidiately pessimistic. The information we're given on ✨the horrors✨....makes them up to be pretty terrifying in their own right, leaning more into cosmic horror than tma has ever done before in my opinion, and on top of that, I feel like even if the podcast were to get less scary, that wouldn't matter to me all that much as long as other aspects of the story grew in its place. Because as strong as the horror is...I don't know, I think tma excels in a lot of other areas as well, such as its endearing characters, and what is obviously my favorite aspect, the general mystery, which encompasses lore and plot more than it does the nature of ✨the horrors✨. Oh, and that's not to say I think the story will become weaker if we get answers regarding lore and plot, it's just...look, the point is that my main concern is that the story remains consistently good. I don't really care how it decides to be good...I just want general quality. So...yeah, overall, I'm not too worried by these big reveals. Ok, that was...a lot more preamble than what I expected...what even ARE these big reveals I'm gassing up?

Oh...Jesus H. Crisps. So, Leitner explains that there are..entities, beings, forces beyond simple human comprehension...that do indeed exist. He initially says that they exist in the world, but then corrects himself by saying that they exist...next to it. Not neccesarily in different dimensions, Leitner clarifies that himself. My interpretation is that they exist in...some sort of in-between state? That's not to say that there's neccesarily alternate dimensions to begin with in tma's world, but like...I guess they exist in...purgatory? Primordial chaos? Some sort of...inner layer of a cosmic firmament? Just like...the void, is what I'm picking up here. Not an entirely different world, and as Leitner says, they are still linked to ours in ways I'll explore in a second, but...they sure as hell do not exist in any defined location on Earth, at least...not in their full power. So, throughout this whole description of ✨the horrors✨ (I just...I'm still in awe that they're actually real and being talked about properly), Leitner is very adamant on making the point that they are NOT. HUMAN. Like...in any way shape or form. The idea I once proposed, that they possessed thoughts and personalities that at the very least vaguely resemble human ones...was utter horseshit. These are eldritch beings in their prime, they are not and...probably never will be understood by humankind. And...yes, I am more than aware that such a reveal probably requires me to rethink some theories, such as the idea of Rayner's possessor being Mr. Pitch itself...but that is a whole othe rabbit hole that I don't have the time or energy to descend into, and...I'll save that for whenever The Divine Host comes back into play, because I still refuse to believe they're actually done for. Same principle applies for any other theories that might be changed by these reveals. Anyways, the fact of ✨the horrors✨ being almost entirely inhuman comes into play later through different means, but for now, it's only important for understanding that...these things just cannot function in our universe. It's never explained why, it's just...it's like trying two opposing magnetic forces together, it just scientifically does not work. At least...not fully. Whatever these things even are...while they might not be able to manifest in the human realm in full force, they can...push through on occasion. Basically, almost all of the weird manifestations we see, whether that be artifacts, books or just...generally strange occurrences, are...pieces of these beings bleeding into our world. Leitner uses a pretty good analogy to describe it. He says that if you imagine humans as ants in a colony who have never seen a human, and then imagine a scenario where a massive human figure started diving into your colony as the same as ✨the horrors✨ bleeding into our world...then that's basically it. He also says that the ants might have trouble figuring out if all of the body parts of the human are their own beings, or if they're all connected to one larger being they can't fully visualize, which is equated to people not being able to figure out if...let's say, a Leitner, is just its own entire thing, or simply a fragment of an eldritch being in a plane of its own. ...God, where is he even getting this information from? Like...huh? How? How...how do people know about this stuff? Who discovered these things? I just....AAAUAUUUUUGGHHHHH. Uh...moving on, there's another key piece of information regarding ✨the horrors✨ that we get here.

Jon asks if they're all "evil gods", but Leitner essentially says...no. Obviously there are plenty of people who see them as gods, as seen with all of the goddamn cults, but Leitner says that...trying to force a sort of..."pantheon" of these things into existence, trying to rationalize these beings and understand them as if they were gods from any other religion or mythology...doesn't really work. It ties back into the whole "these things can't be humanized" idea. This is...perplexing to me. While we still don't have a full list of these things, nor all of their titles...I feel like this dialogue confirms that such a list exists. All of the cults serve different beings, and all of the beings are fighting each-other. But...the whole monologue here kind of suggests that in actuality...that interpretation might not be correct. Assuming that there's a definable pantheon of eldritch gods isn't really a genuine academic study of these things, rather...it's just humanity's attempt to rationalize them, to understand what cannot be understood. Now, I don't think this makes trying to create a list of ✨the horrors✨, or trying to separate them into different beings entirely futile. At the end of the day, humans are still making distinctions between them, they're still worshiping and fighting over separate powers, and that is a more important plot point than ever. If the humans in this story can make their attempts at rationalizing ✨the horrors✨, then I sure as hell can do so. Besides, I like coming up with eldritch god pantheons, and I mean...the plot is already confusing enough as is, so I do NOT need more confusion on top of that. In short, I think the pursuit of further understanding these things is far from a fruitless one, because it'll help me understand what all of these weird people's goals and...overall deals are...but it won't help me understand ✨the horrors✨ themselves. Whatever framework humanity defines ✨the horrors✨ under is good for understanding the cults and the weirdos and all of the little pieces that bleed through...but not ✨the horrors✨ in their purest form. As of now...trying to understand them specifically seems like a futile quest. But hey...the pantheon DOES exist, maybe only in our puny earthling minds, but like...so does the concept of time, but I don't see YOU calling that useless, do I? ....Ok, this got a little too deep. Uh...oh! There's one last major thing, and thankfully it's a lot more simple.

Basically, Leitner explains that things like the books and...presumably all other sorts of artifacts, are exactly what I previously explained, just pieces or...direct creations of ✨the horrors✨ brought into the human realm, "their essences in a purer form." But....their servants, beings like The NotThem, or any of the cult members...they're a bit of a different story. They are still directly connected to ✨the horrors✨, or course, and maybe slightly controlled by them...? I don't know, that part's a little bit more vague, it would tie in with what Jon said about...the people affected by Leitners becoming more like the powers than themselves, but the point is...even if they're directly connected to ✨the horrors✨, even if they're...somewhat a part of them, they are also still their own individuals. So like, The NotThem for example. It's seemingly connected to what we define as "The Stranger", and definitely...represents it in a lot of ways, but it's also it's own concious being at the same time, emphasized by how it...kind of betrayed those it was working for. This kind of makes me think of ✨the horrors✨ as like....reclusive gods who the people never see, and all of the weirdos who've been marked by them, their...prophets, connected and representative of the beings they work for...but still somewhat individual. And yes, I'm well aware that's kind of falling into the trap of trying to humanize ✨the horrors✨...but I'm just...REALLY trying to not get confused here, ok? The chances of us actually meeting ✨the horrors✨ in their purest forms seems pretty slim at the moment, and the chances of them being anything vaguely human-like...seem slim to none, so...if we wanted to get any idea of what ✨the horrors✨ would be like if they had actual minds or personalities like that of regular people (so like, eldritch gods more in line with The Lords in Black from Hatchetifield...look I had to mention them at some point because have you SEEN some of those parallels?!), then...I guess all of their servants are our best bet. And one last bit. While most of the people and sentient monsters who are connected to ✨the horrors✨ have their own individual minds...there do seem to be a couple of exceptions here and there, ones that embody the power they serve on a...deeper and purer level. The most obvious example of this to me is Jane, who is similar to people like...I don't know, Mike, in the sense that she's a human who was turned monstrous by one of ✨the horrors✨, but...looking at her personality, or rather her...disturbing lack of one post-statement, it's clear that she's a lot more intrinsically linked to The Flesh Hive than Mike is The Vast for example, which is likely a result of all of the hivemind themes going on there, and also...arguably one of the best cases to be made for a pantheon interpretation of ✨the horrors✨...actually being pretty on the money. So uh yeah...all very interesting...and all very terrifying.

Ok...that was a lot. I'm sorry if my analysis was kind of sloppy it's just...wow. I'm very grateful for all of this information, believe me, but at the same time....GRRRRRRR I NEED MORE!!! Like it's just...it's just missing a few core details that could make me feel at ease, but for now....ugggghhh. Overall, I think that...in order for me to fully feel at peace with all of this information, I'm going to just...need to get used to it being a thing, since WOW is this a dramatic change in terms of worldbuilding and status quo, but I'll also need some extra bits of information here and there. Like, even if they can't be truly understood, even if the idea of them functioning like the Greek pantheon or whatever isn't scientifically correct...I'd like to at the very least know...what that pantheon concieved by humanity is, because there's clearly...SOME sort of list out there given how everyone talks about ✨the horrors✨ as seperate beings. Like, what do people call each of them? How many of them do people think they are? And like...is there any more information due to come out on their true nature, or are they cursed to forever remain mysterious and vague? Because like...whether as a symbolic design choice or as an in-universe fact, I'm more sure of the idea of them representing different kinds of fears than I've ever been, and if you pair the idea of them bleeding into our world with the simulation theory...then maybe ✨the horrors✨ are like the virtual world creators influencing the matrix-WAIT! NO! NO! I SAID I WASN'T GOING TO GO THAT OFF TRACK! BAD! Look it's just...it's just a lot. Truth be told, I'm still processing all of this, because it is just...such a monumental lore-drop. Hopefully I'll have a better understanding of them sooner rather than later, but for now...it's just a matter of getting adjusted to this new information being a thing, which...kind of ties back into the whole "this episode is amazing on its own but I can't really determine whether or not it's a good finale until I see how it transitions into Season 3" thing, and it's also a matter of getting more information that explains ✨the horrors✨ in more detail. But for now...I'm just going to leave it all here. Oh my god HOW AM I STILL NOT DONE I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS POST FOR FIVE FUCKING WEEKS NOW JUST SAVE ME ALREADY!!! Well, next up we have...what is objectively the only important aspect of this entire episode, and if you disagree with me you shall be thrown into a hallway. Everything else would've been important if it wasn't for this. That's right. It's time for the fucking Micheal lore-drop.

So....Micheal. God's favorite. Owner of all nobel prizes. The boy who lived. Whatever. He's...been quite the perplexing character, hasn't he? Over like...the past four posts, I've concoted a plethora of theories as to what his deal is, which has been...as maddening as it is throughly enjoyable, which is honestly a pretty good way to describe the entire process of writing these. And...while there's still quite a lot of pieces missing, like...wow do I still not understand him one bit, this episode wa sgracious enough to give us some...vague, yet still very insightful information on him. It...honestly feels kind of miraculous to get anything at all. ...So. Basically since his vocal debut, I've assumed that...whatever Micheal is, he is part of a larger being. This is because in The New Door, when Jon asks if he "owns" his hallway dimension, he responds by asking if "your hand, in any way, owns you stomach." This has led me to believe that Micheal, his hallways, and...likely his door are all part of a much larger being...and I think this episode confirms it. Leitner tells Jon that "Micheal" is simply a name used by something called "The Distortion". ...Oh boy. This can be interpreted in...a lot of ways. Maybe "The Distortion" is just the real name of the blonde man, and "Micheal" is an alias for whatever reason, I don't know. But my interpretation is that...The Distortion is the larger entity that Micheal and the hallways encompass. I have...no idea what it could be outside of that. Like...what kind of "distortion" is it? Temporal? One in the fabric of reality? Is is a simple manifestation of one of ✨the horrors✨, an artifact, or a servant with a will of its own? I just...I just have no idea. However, what I do have for a reasonable belief is the idea that The Distortion...takes different forms at many times. The backrooms are one of them, but Micheal is another. Given how Leitner describes him, I think Micheal is like...a vessel, The Distortion's OC or something. It can't move around or communicate with others due to...whatever its nature even is, place, monster, alternate dimension, who knows? So...it uses Micheal like you would use...a player character in a video game or something. Which to me, makes a lot more sense that Micheal being a corrupted human, since his demeanor and...even apperance, range from somewhat strange to just straight up not human in nature. For him to be the persona, the humanoid vessel of something that is anything but human...I think it checks out. It's also...VERY similar to The NotThem, but it's basically confirmed that the two of them are believed to belong to different members of ✨the horrors✨ now, so...either their similarities are purely a thematic representation of the deceit, paranoia and insanity that Jon has been up against all season, since the two of them have...basically been the main antagonists for this part of the story, or...it might tie into the idea of the agreed upon pantheon of ✨the horrors✨ being somewhat debatable, but...I'm not going to go there for now. And you know what's funny? ...All of this information doesn't entirely disregard my theory about all of the Micheals being this one. I mean...there's like a 0.5% chance it happens, but...it's still not impossible, and that is absolutely hilarious to me. It SHOULDN'T have lasted this long, and yet...here we are. Either way though...I feel like some of the ideas presented in that theory hold some merit? Like, I've already talked about Mike having a "fractal pattern" burned into his skin potentially making him...somewhat connected to Micheal, but...Micheal is a very, VERY common name, and if we view him as The Distortion's attempt at making a human OC for itself to parade around as...I don't know, the idea of it choosing one of the most common names feels tonally appropriate to me, so...maybe the heavy amount of Micheals is actually meant to foreshadow something here, even if they aren't the same person.

But, crackpot theory aside, there is one other big piece of information we got on Micheal here. So...you know how I kind of suggested that if my simulation fear experiment theory was true, there was a chance that Micheal was a glitch or virus trying to break things down? Well...while the general simulation theory I proposed in Thought for the Day still holds pretty strong ground in my opinion...the second part doesn't do so at all anymore. This is because we have explicit confirmation that Micheal, and "The Distortion" at large, is an aspect of one of ✨the horrors✨. So...he's a part of a larger being that is part of a larger being. That is...just way too perfect for him holy shit. So, yeah...The Distortion, whatever or whoever it truly is, belongs to an eldritch power which Leitner calls "The Spiral", although it was initially named by one of his assistants as "Esmentiaras" which roughly translates to "it is lies" or "it is lying". Honestly, both are pretty fitting names, but I'll stick with "The Spiral", since I think it fits better with the...common trends seen among the naming schemes for ✨the horrors✨. Anyways, Leitner explains that The Spiral deals in fooling and tricking the senses, making people see things that aren't really there and driving them to insanity, which...definitely checks out when you consider the nature of the backrooms. And of course, it has a fondness for fractals. That's...really all of the major stuff I have to say on "The Spiral", truth be told I don't think there's much hiding in Leitner's words here, although I do have a couple of thoughts that...kind of relate to it. First of all, this confirms that Micheal and/or The Distortion specifically...isn't one of ✨the horrors✨ in its entirety, simply an aspect of The Spiral. This might mean that episodes that...seem as if they contain involvement from Micheal might actually just be related to some other manifestation or servant of The Spiral, and that maybe some statements I initially didn't understand the cause behind...might be a bit more clear now. I think an example of this might actually be the one and only homophobic vase. It basically caused Mr. Ramao to stop trusting what he perceived as reality, and...I mean, it's not exactly fractals, but the patterns on it...line up with them well enough for me. Secondly, while the idea of Micheal being some external variable infiltrating the simulation run by ✨the horrors✨ is absolutely not true, I...still think he might be able to break down the system given what he did to Lydia. I mean, her talk about staring into the faces of cosmic horrors when sleep deprived feels more relevant than ever now, and even if Micheal belongs to one of ✨the horrors✨...he's still a bit of an exception. What made him so initially terrifying to me was how he was the first example, and...still is one of the only examples of ✨the horrors✨ not being entirely antagonistic, he's much more hard to predict and turbulent in his alignment, and on top of that, he's one of the very few freaky characters so far that seems to have no stake in the struggle between ✨the horrors✨ beyond just seeing what happens next and fucking around when he wants to, so...I think he's still capable of doing some unique shit, just not for the reasons I once assumed. Or..maybe for no reason at all. And finally...god damn, if the way Leitner talked about The Spiral didn't make me even more suspicious of ✨the horrors✨' connections to fear...I don't know what it did. Well, that's a wrap on the Micheal lore! He's the humanoid identity of something called The Distortion which we know next to nothing about (maybe...one of many given how Leitner phrased it as "what it calls itself nowadays", rather than just in general), and The Distortion belongs to one of ✨the horrors✨, which is usually referred to as The Spiral. MOVING ON!

Ok...so before I get to the big event YES I KNOW IT'S TAKING A WHILE, there is one last bit of information Leitner gives regarding ✨the horrors✨. Basically, he tells us that if you want to classify which one is causing any instance of the paranormal, you need to think about the meaning behind what it's manifesting as, rather than...just exactly what's in front of you. The example used here is bones. Sometimes, bones are used to represent the raw physicality of flesh, which seems to tie them back to the body horror. But on other occasions, they might be a symbolic representation of butchery, or a human figure like Micheal being twisted into something impossible, the former of which being...a bit hard for me to decipher a connection for, and the second one obviously being The Spiral. Ok? That's all I've got. Now...for Jon's last question. The one that's been on our minds this entire season. The one that's been the driving force behind all of his actions over these past 40 episodes. ...Who killed Gertrude Robinson. Even if it's not always the big mystery at the forefront of everything...if Jon didn't care about it, if the prospect of her murder didn't terrify him as much as it does...we would not be here. So...who did it? Well, Leitner is quick to deny himself as the murderer (which honestly thank god, like I said, I could NOT handle Jonny's dad murdering Jonny's mom), but he still attempts to change the subject and shallowly reassure Jon that he's fine, likely out of fear. But, Jon keeps on pushing for answers, like he always does...and we finally get them. Gertrude Robinson was murdered by Elias Bouchard. At least, if Leitner's to be believed, and I don't think I have much reason to assume otherwise. ...Ok. For...very obvious reasons, I'm going to save the Elias discussion for just a little bit longer, since...I have quite a few thoughts. For now though...I think I can at the very least give my opinion on the general twist of him killing her. I...honestly think it works pretty well! Now, look, is it the craziest plot twist of all time, god no. I was suspicious of this man since before he even showed up in person, and when it was revealed that Gertrude was murdered and I listened to his statement in Human Remains, that suspicion only grew. I mean, hell, Jon himself was exceedingly suspicious of him as well, so I don't even think it's supposed to be a big twist. The big twist...comes a little bit later, but I'll hold my tongue for the time being. But all things considered...I'm still satisfied, and decently surprised as well! While there is still a lot we don't know about Elias, and this finale raised like...a thousand more questions about him from me, with the information we've been given on his motives and methods so far...yeah, I don't see any reason to doubt it's possible. And while I never looked away from him completely, I think the podcast did a genuinely good job at making me consider other candidates for Gertrude's murder, such as..."the person in the tunnels" as we once knew him. It didn't necessarily make me trust Elias, just...not pay as much attention to him as I should've. So...yeah, it's far from the craziest plot twist I've ever seen, but it works well enough, and like I said, it's not like this episode is derived of twists. ...God, is it not derived of twists.

Anyways, my thoughts aside, Leitner goes on to explain what he believes is Elias' motive for killing her. Apparently...she was going to destroy the archives, along with Leitner himself, although Elias seemingly didn't know about the latter's involvement. That's...certainly interesting. It definitely lines up with what we currently know about Gertrude so far, given how it's been well established that she didn't trust the institute. And...look I'm not going to bother doing the whole dramatic buildup here, but since we now have confirmation that the institute belongs to one of ✨the horrors✨...that also lines up, since both Leitner and Gertrude have a history of fighting against them through different means, although the latter's motives for doing so still remain a gaping mystery. And it makes sense for Elias to stop her, since...well, he's the head, I assume the institute is very dear to him if that's the case, like...yeah it's his job. I do have questions about the whole timeline of events surrounding this, Gertrude and Leitner's methods, the...suspicious emphasis on the archives rather than the institute as a whole, which I've talked about before, and also...who we consider to be in the "right" here, Gertrude or Elias, but that last one's...a whole other can of worms. [INSERT OBLIGATORY JANE MENTION HERE.] But uh...yeah, overall, this all makes sense so far. It's here that Leitner also reveals what he needs from Jon. Apparently, there are files on...something, it's kind of vague on what exactly, but they seem to contain information on the institute, and...things Gertrude found on The Stranger specifically. Uh...we'll touch on that a bit more in a second, all we need to know right now though is that these files are...important, important and secret enough to the point where Elias likely stole them after murdering Gertrude. Leitner was digginng for them in the archives, hence what Jon saw on the CCTV, but since they weren't there, he assumes they need to break into Elias' office and steal them before he catches on to what's going on. Oh, and mentioning the CCTV, Leitner ALSO explains (god my head is spinning from all this explanation) that the reason Elias can still be the murderer despite him not showing up on the CCTV footage...is because he has the ability to directly control what they see, or simply ruin them beyond recovery, at least when it comes to those in the institute. And...that's when Jon comes to a big realization. Something that most of the season has been building up to. As expected...the institute is the domain of one of ✨the horrors✨. The being that always makes Jon feel as if he's being watched. The being that's preventing Tim, and seemingly everyone from quitting. The being that stalked Rosa Meyer. The being responsible for the ancient archivist in Alexandria. The being that Elias...seemingly serves. ..."The Eye", otherwise known as Beholding. ...Yikes.

Honestly, while I, and I assume most others, clocked it a while ago...I think the buildup to this reveal was handled absolutely phenomenally, just...sowing little seeds as the story progresses. And in general, the twist of the institute being just as paranormal as everything it researches is just...such a novel concept in its own right, and I'm REALLY intrigued to see what they do next now that the theory has been confirmed. Also, I feel like an idiot for just not calling it "The Eye" in the first place. Something like "The Spiral"...makes sense, but isn't THAT easy to predict. This though...I don't know, I feel like it should be within my capacity to call it that with confidence, but...whatever. Anyways, Leitner goes on to explain that not only does the institute belong to The Eye...but so does Jon as well. Now, based on the whole...inability to quit thing, I get the sense that everyone in the institute has at least some sort of connection to The Eye, but Jon...he seems special. The NotThem literally called him its "pupil" in the previous episode. This seemingly ties into the title of "archivist" having greater meaning, which leads me to assume that Gertrude possessed a lot of the same unique qualities as Jon...but beyond that, we don't know much. All we know is that...Jon is important in this regard, but how exactly is just a wide open enigma at the moment. I can at the very least recognize that he doesn't seem to be...quite as willing to serve it as some others, but...he also doesn't seem to be that able to fight against...whatever power The Eye has over him, which is actually in stark contrast to Gertrude. For all their similarities, the two archivists have quite a few differences, and one of those is that Gertrude was a lot less of a coward. She went out of her way to put a stop to multiple paranormal occurrences, which included destroying one of The Eye's domains...and attempting to destroy the institute herself, so despite her likely connection to it...she wasn't subservient. Granted, it's possible that Jon will do more things like her in the future and I'll be proven wrong, I mean, it doesn't seem like he'll be confined to the institute in Season 3 given how the episode ends, so that could definitely provide opportunities to fight against the paranormal directly soon enough. But for now...I get the sense that Gertrude was a lot stronger than him in this regard, but...it's all very interesting. Well...with all of that out of the way, Jon is...understandably shaken after everything he's learned. He's discovered an incredibly fucked up story about evil books, is probably shaking at the prospect of The NotThem still being alive, has learned that everything in his life is at the whim of a pantheon of eldritch horrors, that his boss is a murderer, and that he belongs to a horrific eye that seeks to watch him run about his miserable life until he dies. And to make matters worse, he logically doesn't have time to freak out because...you know? Evil boss? The files? But...he chooses to ignore that fact. He's so desperate to just...get a few minutes of peace, that he decides to start smoking again after being quit for five years. And not only is that a bad idea in general (like, does he not remember Anglerfish?), but...going out there for a quick break, leaving behind his...self-defense mechanism...ends up being his second greatest mistake behind the table thing. Yeah...it's time for THAT scene. But first...

Ok, yes, I'm well aware this probably feels like I'm stalling, I know people probably want to hear my thoughts on the uh...sound of leaky tap water that plays near the end, but I just...I NEED to talk about Elias. I was thinking of doing my deep look at him AFTER the scene, but...I'd be talking about him all day if that were the case, and honestly...I think this has better flow. Basically, I'm going to look back at everything we've seen of him up until this point, which truth be told isn't a lot, and then see how those scenes are recontextualized...not really by his actions in this episode, but just by the simple knowledge of him being Gertrude's killer...and also inherently fucked up and evil. At least...I think he's fucked up and evil? Just...uh...look, his alignment depends on just...which of ✨the horrors✨ we're supposed to cheer for and which ones we aren't, along with just...a lot of other stuff that I don't have the time or energy to discuss. Just know that, as of now...I think Elias is kind of a psychopath, I do not trust him one bit and I find him very dangerous and scary...but it's just impossible for me to tell whether or not he's going to be an antagonist or not by the end. At the very least, I...don't think he'll be the friendliest force in Season 3. Ok? Ok. ....Right. So...Elias. He's always been one of, if not THE most perplexing character in the entire series to me. He's just so...oddly absent, really sketchy and...honestly came off as kind of boring to me in a way that no other character in tma has before. I know I've said that I wish the archival assistants showed up even more, but despite that, Martin, Sasha, Not!Sasha and Tim have always sort of just...felt nearby, whether that be due to actual appearances, little mentions of them from Jon or...just the general energy of the archives. Elias on the other hand, has always just...felt so distant to me. I mean, yeah, he works in a different department, but for a guy who runs the entire institute...I mean, in retrospect, he comes off as a lot more in charge of things than I initially assumed, but he just...didn't FEEL like a big piece of the puzzle in the same way everyone else has, and whenever we did see him...he always just had the most boring middle-manager vibe concievable. And yet...there's just SO many things that are off about him. His backstory, which seems oddly out of character for the person we know today, to the point where I have to assume that he's hiding SOMETHING about it. His odd reluctance to talk about Gertrude's death. His desire to just...ignore everything parnormal as much as possible, and then other weird things like him recognizing The NotThem (which makes a lot of sense now given the whole...Eye vs. Stranger thing). So...depite his relative plainess, there was always clearly something else going on. The thing is though....I never thought of him as truly, plainly evil. I've thought for a very long time that he was capable of doing bad things, that he HAS done bad things, that he doesn't have the best moral compass, and that he was likely to be Gertrude's killer. ...But I always had enough faith in him to assume that he had...at least some good reasoning. I mean, it's not like Gertrude hasn't done her own fair share of...questionable things, even if for good reasons, so...maybe Elias killed her for the greater good. Maybe the reason he tries to ignore the glaring oddities within the institute is because he wants to keep others safe. Maybe...he wasn't that bad. But while that still isn't technically impossible, while he....COULD still pull through...I doubt that he will. Because after seeing how he acts in...the big scene, the way he talks...I do not think Elias is likely to be all that good of a person.

Probably not a creature of pure evil like The NotThem...but certainly someone worth fearing, someone who is just...overall unhinged and terrifying, someone who is willing to do some extremely messed up things for...likely not great reasons. Just...yeah, he gives off some very bad vibes. And I think that's what makes him work as a twist villain of sorts. I don't think you're supposed to be shocked by him being a corrupt and dangerous character, nor are you supposed to be shocked by him being the murderer...but you are supposed to be shocked by just how...incredibly brutal he ends up being. And at least for now, I feel like he's avoided the classic twist villain trap of just...doing a complete 180º turn in personality. I mean, sure, what we see of him in this episode is...VERY different from what we're used to, but depending on how he acts in Season 3...I feel like they have the ability to make it believable that this is still the same guy, and we're just now witnessing a different side of him. I...really hope they write him like that at least, because I wouldn't really like it if he just...started acting crazy 24/7 and never showed his more calm and reasonable aspects ever again. Anyways, I have no idea what his motivations are, what the deeper aspects of his past might be, or just...where he's going to even stand in the story going forward beyond being a very unnerving presence, especially with all of the OTHER shit that seems to be encroaching into the main plot...but even if I can't decipher his entire character at the moment...what is my general opinion of him now? Well...I think he's most likely going to be a dangerous and antagonistic force throughout Season 3, but his role in Seasons 4 and 5 are still very up in the air. I think...something extra happened in between him joining the institute in 1991, and becoming head in 1996, and that it'll explain why he's so different from what you'd assume of him based on what little we know about his past. He is most definitely a servant of The Eye, and even if it turns out he was brought into its embrace unwillingly, he is most definitely serving it out of his own will nowadays, at the very least more than Jon and the rest of the institute, and also seems concerned with making sure it comes out on top in the struggle between ✨the horrors✨. Although...given how The NotThem says the archivist is "The Eye's pupil", I do actually wonder if maybe Jon is more important to it than Elias, but...that might be a bit of a leap. I definitely think that Leitner is correct in his hypothesis of Elias killing Gertrude due to her attempt at destroying the archives, in fact, based on what happens later, I think it's safe to assume that he is willing to murder anyone who even remotely gets in the way of...whatever the hell he wants. Uh...he's probably deeply entwined with institute history in one way or another...I think he's likely to be the guy who sold out The Divine Host's location to the cops in Police Lights...he probably has a plethora of other supernatural abilities that we just don't know about, and, uh...overall...I've gone from finding him perplexing and kind of sketchy to being...absolutely mortified by what he's capable of, and by whatever else he might do in the future. Also I think it would be funny if it turned out that all of his fucked up actions were committed when he was zooted out of his mind, and he's actually completely normal outside of that. Remember kid, the true eye monster is marijuana. That's...basically it. Sorry if this part was a bit incoherent, truth be told my mind is still kind of all over the place when it comes to this guy...but it's good for me to get down what thoughts I can. Oh, and uh...on the note of what he's capable of...how about that big scene?

....Ok. Stay calm. Take a deep breath. You can do this. *inhales*....BEATING YOU WITH A METAL PIPE ASMR!!!!!! I just. I. I can't believe that after all these...uh...months...I've finally gotten here. Ok, let me just start off by getting something important out of the way. I...understand why this is such a meme. I mean, like, how could it not be, you know? This is...one of, if not THE most powerful scene in all of tma so far. It's full of drama, information, amazing voice acting, amazing pacing, and triggers the biggest change in the story's status quo so far. Like...it's absolutely unforgettable, I'm still partial to the table scene personally, but...this is a CLOSE second. (Also the parallels between that scene and this one will haunt me and my family for generations.) But with all of that being said...christ you feral zombie children are evil. You listen to a sad old man get beaten by a pipe and decide that "yes, THIS is what we'll be making jokes about for the next seven years"? ...How wretched of you. Ok, in all seriousness...I have some stuff to say. So, going back to where I left off, Jon ignores the message of the first episode (in all seriousness I really hope him going for a smoke is intentionally referencing Anglerfish), and decides to leave the room, while absolutely definitely making sure he doesn't leave anything important behind. As he does...Leitner talks into the tape, seemingly as if Gertrude were there, suggesting that...despite their similarities, despite their shared paranoia, she probably wouldn't have liked Jon due to his lack of an ability to stomach what everyone's up against. I really do like how Jon and Gertrude both parallel and foil each other, this season has done a great job at showing they're more similar than we initially thought, but they have enough differences to prevent it from feeling like they're TOO similar. And also...I'm only saying this just in case but...what if Leitner talking to Gertrude here implies she's in the tapes? Do I believe that? No. But....in the 0.0000001% chance such a theory is right, let it be known that I DID throw it out there, OK?! Well, while that's kind of a sweet and sad moment, it doesn't last long because- OH HI ELIAS. So...yeah, unfortunately he isn't blind to what's been going on, and also isn't happy about it either. Now...the following conversation is...vague. Like, REALLY vague. There's clearly a lot of important stuff being talked about here, but telling what that important stuff even is...it's difficult, to put it lightly. But...I'll try my best.

So, Elias barges in, immediately threatening to kill Leitner if he dares to touch one of his books which is...pleasant. He explains that he's known someone's been down in the tunnels for a long time...and I mean, if he serves the thing that's always watching then I guess he probably knows...a LOT of things overall (like just...AAAAAHHH IT'S SUCH A COOL AESTHETIC FOR A PLACE OF ACADEMIA), but that he never knew it was Leitner, nor that he had gotten out and come into the archives. I assume this is due to the power of A Disappearance, as Leitner implied earlier on, and...that also kind of adds to the idea of it being associated with The Stranger, given, once again, its supposed opposition to The Eye. Unfortunately though, Jon's clumsiness outweighed Leitner's discreetness, and Elias was able to find him in a way he couldn't when Gertrude was around. Mentioning her, he also asks if Leitner told Jon about her. I'm assuming this is meant to refer to...you know, her murder, which means Leitner's probably lying when he says no, but...it could techincally refer to anything else regarding her that the two of them both know about, so...eh. Anyways, he then demands Leitner to tell him what he's after, to which he answers with the files in his office. Now, Elias asks if Leitner's planning to commit arson, so...I guess the files tell you how to burn down the institute and/or the archives? Maybe? But like...that kind of brings up the question of...why would you need these top secret files to know how to do that? Why couldn't you just grab a lighter? Hm...well, keeping that in mind, Leitner tries to explain that he's not only after the files due to what they contain on the institute, but also...the supposed member of ✨the horrors✨ known as The Stranger, and...the something relating to them called The Unknowing. So...this is one of the most interesting things mentioned here. As I'm sure you remember, it was mentioned by The NotThem last episode, and I believed that due to its name and its clear relation to The Stranger, it was some sort of attack on the institute, either entirely committed by servants of The Stranger, or at least primarily led by them. And...I'm inclined to believe that the latter interpretation is true. Firstly, Leitner says that Elias of all people should want to stop it. And I mean...if it's an attack on the institute, that comment checks out. And you know how I alluded to Leitner's library parallelling the institute in a lot of weird ways. Well...the attack on his library was, in my opinion, likely led by servants of The Stranger, since the people who started visiting before the attack, the ones who were really weird and forgot to blink...match up pretty well with beings like The NotThem and The Anglerfish's people. So...maybe the attack is supposed to act as foreshadowing for The Unknowing! At the very least though, even if this interpretation is wrong, I think it's safe to say that The Unknowing is something heavily linked to The Stranger, and...something worth dreading. I mean, given its rivalry with The Eye, I think Elias has enough motivation to get rid of anything relating to The Stranger, and I mean...if Gertrude was keeping her intel on it with the same files she needed to...somehow destroy the archives, then there's a decent enough chance she'd want to stop it. But...that raises the question of why she'd want to stop something that would theoretically do exactly what she wants...but then again, it kind of feels like all of the ✨the horrors✨ are just a bunch of different brands of evil fighting against each other, so...maybe The Unknowing results in something bad in its own right? I...I don't really know, but given how it's being built up, I feel like more intel on it is due sooner rather than later, so...I'll just wait and see.

Anyways, while Leitner seems pretty scared by the prospect of...whatever The Unknowing is, Elias is the stark opposite, entirely confident that he can put a stop to it, even willing to lightly poke fun at the servants of The Stranger having a supposed lack of creativity. And then...Leitner asks what Jon's going to think when he arrives back in the archives...and in retrospect, I think...he knew what was about to happen. Elias responds by saying that Jon "was always going to have to fly the nest at somepoint", clearl insinuating that he wants Jon to leave the archives, which is...strange, Leitner seems worried that he'll die in the process, which...I guess makes sense, Micheal did imply that Jon is protected from ✨the horrors✨, but only in the institute, and then...it happens. It. Happens. My ears are serenaded by the one, the only....[EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER]. I'm in...well, I'm in a lot of states. Shock, confusion, excitement, satisfaction, fear, sorrow...all of it. Elias Bouchard...just brutally murdered a man to death with a metal pipe, not a whiff of hesitation or remorse emanating from him. And Jurgen Leitner...is dead. The man who led to so many terrible happenings by pure accident and folly...is dead. The man who still had so many answers to all of Jon, mine, and everyone's burning questions...is dead. The man who for all we know, could've destroyed or saved the world had he lived longer...is dead. And whoever wrote that infamous rant about him...is THRIVING. There's...really not much I have to say about this scene that I'm not certain hasn't been said before. It's just...it's as shocking and iconic as it is cold and cruel. In a world of eldritch gods and supernatural abilities...an old man getting murdered by an average lethal weapon is arguably the most insane thing that's happened so far. While I doubt that we're entirely done with Leitner as a concept, as there are most definitely many of his books still out there, along with the people who have been changed by them and a number of other mysteries that will likely tie back to him...the fact that the man himself is dead, that he's been brutally murdered without ever getting the recognition he desired, his mark on the world forever a stain...that changes so much. How it changes things is a mystery for the time being...but I just know. I know it does. This...um...this certainly wasn't how I expected the season to end. ...Rest in peace Jurgen Leitner, for all of the abysmal mistakes, for all of the lives ruined by your actions...at heart, you did not deserve this. Elias...even if you aren't the big bad, even if you get redeemed by some slim margin...fuck you, you little freak. I say that affectionately though because HOLY SHIT he has become so much more interesting to me now, and like...I can't view him as anything but iconic after this scene. But uh...yeah, that's basically it. Just...I'm...huh.

Elias leaves the room, and we're left in the cold dead air of the archives for nearly a minute, the only sound accompanying us being the deathly drip of Leitner's blood, from his head and onto the floor. That's...just really fucking cold of them, yikes. Thankfully though, we aren't left with them for too long, because Jon comes back into the archives and-..hey wait that's not much better! The whole bit here...man. Jonny does such an absolute killer job here, coming into the room ready to make idle chitchat about him quitting smoking, only for the cold realization of what's in front of him to set in...and the stammers, the nervous laugh, the inability to finish his sentence...my god it's brilliant. And this is where Elias and Leitner's exchange finally starts to make sense...because yeah, if a man is found dead in the office of the guy who's been exhibiting incerasingly disturbing behavior for the past 7 months...it's not hard to see what the logical conclusion is. ...Elias framed Jon, seemingly so that he'd be forced to run away into the wider world in order to avoid being arrested. ...WHY?! WHAT IS THE POINT IN ALL THIS?! Is he just framing Jon because it's easier than covering up the body? Is he trying to push Jon out of the institute so that he gets murdered by ✨the horrors✨, and then...I don't know, HE gets to be "The Eye's pupil" or whatever? Or is it for some other reason that I can't properly comprehend at the moment? I just...AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!! At the very least...I definitely feel like Jon's fallen into Elias' trap in one way or another, and...whether he immediately gets arrested or spends Season 3 on the run from the authorities...it is clear that he is in danger...and that he's probably not in the institute anymore. He just...he needs to run. Whether he can physically stay away from it for that long is a whole other question but uh...yeah. I...don't really know what this means for the future. Maybe we'll only follow Jon next season, maybe we'll hang out with Martin and Tim at the institute, I'm...personally guessing there'll be a mix of both, but...there's definitely going to be some changes...and that is equal parts exciting and mortifying. I just. Wow. The Magnus Archives is a fucking podcast.

Well...one more part. ...I am so tired right now you have no idea. The final recording comes from....OH MY GOD THANK THE STARS THEY'RE OK!!! Honestly I...kind of forgot about them as I was writing for this episode, but neither Martin or Tim got eaten by The Distortion, which is good because...man was I worried, especially for the latter of the two. No Micheal though...sad but understandable, I hope they just let him hang around the archives like a normal employee more next season. They mention that "the tape works now" which actually made me come to the realization that this entire time...the static has been coming from the tapes. Outside of...maybe the phone call with Basira (who, by the way, I'm honestly a little surprised didn't have anything to do in the finale, but...maybe her and/or other members of Section 31 will come back in Season 3, especially in regards to the uh..."plumbing issue" in the archives), the static doesn't actually seem to permeate in the air, it's only audible when listening to the tapes...so that's interesting, it certainly makes the tapes themselves a lot weirder than they already were. They also mention...an encounter with a woman? It's very vague but...they had an encounter with someone in trouble, and weren't able to help her. For now it's a pretty wide open mystery that I'm sure'll get expanded on in Season 3, but...it's interesting. Anyways, Martin is still trying to maintain as much optimism as he can in their dire situations, but Tim...not so much. He's accepted the cold and harsh reality that...this life, this constant chase of worms and corridors...it's theirs now, and they have to keep on going until they die. ...Yikes man. It's...a shame to see a guy who was once such a ray of sunshine in the archives turn so cold, but...I guess it's realistic. ...Reality hurts though. Regardless, Martin goes into the archives to check if Jon's alive and well...and is instead greeted by something that is neither Jon, nor alive, nor well. So...not only is Elias framing him in the first place pretty bad...but now we have Martin and Tim fully convinced that he did it too. Even though they're entirely out of the loop, they don't know who that disfigured old corpse is, they don't know anything about the library or ✨the horrors✨, they STILL don't know about what happened to Sasha...their faith in Jon has sunk so low that they have no choice to believe he's now a murderer. And while Tim being unsurprised is already hurtful...the season ending on Martin, the one person who has been desperately trying to keep his faith in Jon sustained all season, asking..."what have you done?" in a shaky and sad voice....AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! And...that's it. We end there, the credits give Basira the wrong surname for some reason...and we're done. ...paypal.com/ifuckingfeelreallybadforjurgenleitner.

So...that's a wrap on The Librarian...and Season 2 of The Magnus Archives as we know it. Overall...I mean where to begin? This season...has been absolutely phenomenal from start to finish, this whole last quarter of episodes especially. I already adored Season 1 with all my heart, and still do, but this...like, I was expecting an increase in quality, but...I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS MUCH. The statements at large were even more creative, memorable and high quality than those of Season 1, the greater interconnected narrative was even more engaging, the cast of character was even more lovable and endearing, there were so many more great dramatic moments, the supplementals added so so much value to every episode, the ways they experimented with the formula in episodes like the Gertrude tapes was great, the general editing and sound quality was even more impressive, the way that everything has started to connect and make more sense has been nothing short of extremely satisfying, and...Michael. Just...what a masterpiece. And as for this finale specifically...holy shit. A really engaging and gripping main story with the tale of Leitner's library, so many interesting plot reveals in regards to the tunnels, Gertrude, Elias, The Distortion, and ESPECIALLY ✨the horrors✨ at large...and an ending so shocking and earth-shattering that I still don't feel like I'm capable of properly describing it. I am...even more excited for Season 3 than I was before, which I didn't even know was possible. I felt like I had a good enough idea as to where Season 2 might lead after I finished Season 1...but here? It could go in...so many different directions, but I have no doubt that they'll manage to pull it off. Just...what a triumph. I...was going to write a whole list of questions I want to see answered here like I did at the end of Season 1...but we'd be here all day if I did that. And of course, thank you so, so, so so so so so so so so so much for reading this. I say it every time, but it means so much more to me than you could possibly imagine, and...given how each post just seems to get longer and longer (I REALLY HOPE THAT THE NEXT ONE ENDS UP A BIT SHORTER THOUGH), that appreciation gets bigger and bigger each time someone reads through one of these. But...if it's alright, I might just have you wait a little bit longer for that word count I promised. Because...you know how I promised a teensy little bonus at the end of my previous post? Well...while I'm kind of regretting making that promise due to how long this ended up being...I refuse to go back on my word. So...if you may...

Supplemental: Ok, just a couple of quick things I need to get out. Firstly, while I'm not going to make an entirely new list of ✨the horrors✨ , since...truth be told this episode didn't change much in terms of how I categorize them, I did want to just list off the ones that have...somewhat official names, like...the ones that without a shadow of a doubt, DEFINITELY exist. So, we have The Eye and The Spiral fully confirmed, and then all signs point to The Stranger, The End and The Lightless Flame being ones as well, and then...most likely The Vast and The Flesh Hive too. I have some...less official names myself for other, more speculative members of the pantheon, but these seven...I feel almost 100% confident in. As for my second thing, I just wanted to say that while I was doing some spelling and grammar check (I am well aware I have left some incorrect spellings of Michael in there, but I refuse to edit all 10 trillion mentions of his name for obvious reasons), I listened to both parts of the Season 2 Q&A! Once again, it was very fun, Jonny and Alex continue to have a lot of charm in casual conversation. I really loved hearing about how they cast VAs, how they do their research when making episodes about certain jobs or places or bits of history and culture, what it was like working with Jonny's parents, what some of their favorite episodes and parts of the series have been (Alex loves Michael HELL YEAH), some little tidbits on what to expect from Season 3 were very nice too, and of course...the prospect of a 2-hour Christmas special. I'd better be seeing Tim with a reindeer headband come December. I was a little disappointed to learn that Michael would never love me...but...whatever. Anyways, that's all, onto my...weird 1 AM brain rot idea.

- BONUS, I...don't know what to call this 🤷

OK. So...hear me out for a second. I was just awake in the middle of the night thinking about..stuff, I guess, when a thought came to me. Every season of tma has the same number of episodes, right? So...what if, at the end of Season 2, I pitted the episodes from each season against each other, and tallied up an overall score? Why? Uh...I don't know, I guess I just...thought it'd be cool? Keep in mind that this isn't like...genuine critique of all 80 episodes meant to be taken seriously, I generally find that comparison on its own is a bad way to do unbiased critique, at least for me, and like to judge something on what it is individually, for the most part at least. This is just a fun little excuse to do a series of quickfire retrospectives on all of the episodes so far, and sort of just...reminisce, since it's been a while since I listened to a lot of these. Plus,....I don't know, I just like ranking and organizing things, it makes me feel at peace for some reason? And who knows? Maybe I'll do this again if people are up for it, whether that be at the end of every season, once I get to MAG 160 and pit the Season 3 and Season 4 episodes against each other, or at the end of the entire story, where I pit the first half against the latter half. And of course, all of this is just my opinion, so if you think A Sturdy Lock clears Burning Desire by a landslide, that's totally cool! Anyways, uh...on to the competition!

Anglerfish 🚬 Vs. Too Deep ⬇️

Both of these are great starts to their respective seasons that set the tone especially well...but even though Too Deep has deeper lore and great insight into Jon's psyche...I'm sorry, Anglerfish is just way too iconic. It's creepy, but doesn't peak in creepiness too early in the series. The Anglerfish luring its victims away is fantastic symbolism for what both Jon and the listener are about to go through, and the way it's returned throughout the story so far has been excellently executed, and I like how its mysteries are being carried across multiple seasons, as opposed to Too Deep which is...mostly related to stuff that gets resolved later in Season 2. Still, both are great! (That goes for every comparison by the way, I love all of these episodes.)

2. Do Not Open ⚰️ Vs. Grifter's Bone 🎹

Ooooooooh...this one is tricky for me. I...could honestly give these two a tie if I wanted, but...I think I'll give the slight edge to Do Not Open, simply because it's the first episode in the entire series that REALLY hooked me. Still though...they're pretty tied when you take away the nostalgia aspect.

3. Across the Street 📓 Vs. Section 31 🚔

As much as I do truly love Basira and everything surrounding her, and as grateful as I am to this episode for introducing her...eh, it's not a big standout for me. I like a good few of the episodes that are multiple stories in one, but...while it's cool how these ones connect to others, I'm not...huge on them as individual tales. As for MAG 3, while I wasn't wowed by it at first...man, everything surrounding The NotThem in Season 2 has REALLY pushed it into higher esteem for me, now that I know what exactly its purpose was. Like...It's REALLY good.

4. Pagerturner 📕 Vs. Tightrope 🎪

I've said it before, but...I'm not huge on Pageturner. As a part of the overarching plot, it works perfectly fine, great even...I just think it's a bit too complicated and confusing for the fourth episode. I'm glad that Leitners get involved early on, but....eh, it's just a bit too much information to start off with for me, and since most people probably won't be that big into theorizing right out the gate...I don't think it works as well as the later lore-heavy episodes with a ton of connections, because by that point, the listener is more likely to be in really deep. Even though I understand what was going on in the episode a lot better nowadays...I'm still not big on it, but maybe that'll change on relisten. As for Tightrope...it's not the most incredible episode ever or anything, but it's good! It's creepy, and I like the involvement of The Other Circus and the great introduction to Gertrude!

5. Thrown Away 🗑 Vs. Blood Bag 💉

Honestly these two are...also pretty close in terms of how much I like them, but...I might have to give the edge to Thrown Away? I mean...they're very interchangeable, but this one just sticks out in my head a little bit more than Blood Bag. I...don't really know why, I mean, a lot of the early episodes do stick out in my head more because of their iconic status, but uh...yeah, this one wins because my brain is weird.

6. Squirm 🪱 Vs. Literary Heights ⛈

Ooooooooh...I really hate to do it to Squirm, but...I think Literary Heights wins. Squirm is excellent, it's such a weird and disgusting story, it stands out as the only episode of tma with like...any notable sexual content, and it obviously introduces us to my beloved Jane. But...Literar Heights just hits different. Jon's voice in this one, the first proper appearance of Mike, the way that it brings back Ex Altiora and recontextualizes a lot of stuff...yeah, what can I say, I just really love this one.

7. The Piper 🔫 Vs. The New Door 🚪

I mean...The Piper's really good and all, it has a very unique and creepy atmosphere and a very cool incorporation of real world history, but...The New Door has Michael, so...pretty easy one for me.

8. Burned Out 🌳 Vs. Lost in the Crowd 🧳

Ugh...another one that really hurts! I...have a lot of respect for Lost in the Crowd, simply because that scene in the crowd itself is...absolutely haunting to me, and we get to see Gerard just chilling on vacation and it's absolutely hilarious. But...to be honest, I am just way too invested in Hill Top Road to not give this one to Burned Out, plus, I think it's really cool how the events of this one have come back throughout the story, whereas Lost in the Crowd is a lot more standalone. Not inherently a bad thing whatsoever, but I do prefer it when episodes have bigger connections.

9. A Father's Love💡 Vs. The Butcher's Window 💪

The Butcher's Window is overall fantastic, it has a loveably shitty protagonist, a great use of body horror, and it's really cool to see The Boneturner return...but it doesn't hold a candle to A Father's Love for me. This is still one of the most depressing and tragic episodes in the entire podcast for me, just a really sad look at childhood trauma and the effects of cults, and just...god, it's so beautifully painful. Also, on a less serious note, I'm infatuated with The Divine Host, so...yeah.

10. Vampire Killer 🧛🏻 Vs. Foundations 🏛

Yeah...Vampire Killer wins here. Foundations is pretty good all things considered, I like the old-timey vibe, and the insight it gives into Jonah Magnus and Robert Smirke is pretty cool...but I don't know, Vampire Killer is an example of the...multiple stories statements being done really well, and Trevor Herbert remains as one of my favorite statement givers to this day.

11. Dreamer 💭 Vs. High Pressure 🤿

High Pressure is pretty cool and all, I think it experiments with its concept in great ways, is decently scary and has a fun inclusion from Simon Fairchild. But man...Dreamer just hits different to this day. I think it was the first episode that made me realize...just how seriously I should be taking the podcast, its framing device is unlike no other, and the suspicion it causes is really cool, especially in regards to Gertrude's death and the identity of "Antonio Blake."

12. First Aid 🏥 Vs. Exceptional Risk 🚰

Look...part of me probably SHOULD give the point to First Aid. It's the first episode that brings back a recurring character in a noticeable and prominent role, and one of the first big clues towards understanding ✨the horrors✨. But...I can't help it, I'm just way too invested in that Montauk family drama. Plus, I'm a sucker for the Season 2 episodes that feel like direct sequels to Season 1 episodes...most of the time anyways, so that also gives it a bit of an edge.

13. Alone 🌫 Vs. Crusader 📜

Uuuuuuuuggghhhhh...I hate to do it to Alone. Look...MAG 13 is still an episode I absolutely love, it stands out for including the first voice that isn't Jon, it has some really cool and creepy imagery, and Naomi's story is very sad. But like...Crusader just has...SO much going for it. Walter Heller is brilliantly performed for a one-off character, the whole story is very intriguing lore-wise, and the way it sets up so many details regarding Gertrude and the institute...like, this one wins for me by simply being THAT important.

14. Piecemeal👆Vs. Still Life 🐅

Piecemeal is...really good and really freaky, the whole concept is absolutely brutal and I love how it works as a lesson in patience. That being said...I just really love Still Life. It sets up so much regarding The Stranger, (like, I was STUNNED by how much it brought together when I first listened to it), has an amazing atmosphere with the taxidermy shop, reveals some REALLY cool information regarding The Anglerfish, and also has an unknowingly autistic protagonist who simply leaves because "well, they weren't committing tax fraud!" So yeah, peak fiction.

15. Lost Johns' Cave 🕯 Vs. Pest Control 🐜

Ok...this one's probably going to be controversial. Is Lost Johns' Cave good? Yeah of course! I was absolutely shook to my core when I first heard it...but nowadays not so much. I don't know, I think it's probably because there are many other statements that have gotten to me more, but honestly...I don't really get why people find it THAT scary. It's up there sure, but...eh, maybe if I had a sibling, went caving or was more claustrophobic, I'd have a different opinion. As for why I prefer Pest Control...yeah it's because of Jane. She's not even really in this episode, but...I just find The Flesh Hive really interesting, and the way the episode uses Arthur Nolan is also a major benefit to me. I can absolutely see why Lost Johns' Cave is a fan favorite...but I just vibe with the bugs a bit too much.

16. Arachnophobia 🕷 Vs. Children of the Night 🛏

Huh...both spider episodes. Anyways, I don't have too much to say that I haven't already. I like Children of the Night just fine, but I do have some minor gripes with it that kind of hold me back from truly loving it. I think those gripes will fade over time, but even then...it's hard to compete with the GHOST SPIDER episode. Like. It's just absolutely iconic. I will never get over Jon still proclaiming the statement bullshit after hearing Mr. Vittery was wrapped in web upon death. WHY WAS HE LIKE THIS?!

17. The Boneturner's Tale 🦴 Vs. Personal Space 🔒

The Boneturner's Tale is great and all, I really remember it for being another early example of things getting connected, and for being Elias' introduction...dear god Elias, but...it unfortunately can't compare to what is still the single most terrifying episode so far to me. If it can fuck me up THAT bad...I think Personal Space deserves the win.

18. The Man Upstairs 🥩 Vs. Trail Rations🍴

It's still kind of funny to me that these episodes just...happen to be connected. Anyways, as you know I'm not...super huge on either of these episodes, but Trail Rations does get an edge for having a very unique framing device, a more compelling villain, more interesting paranormal stuff, and some more intrigue surrounding Jonah Magnus. ...Not much more to add.

19. Confession ✝️ Vs. Recluse 🍏

Yet another pair of episodes that are oddly connected! Both of them are fantastic...but I do think I'll give the edge to Recluse. Confession has some really haunting religious imagery, although it's done better in its second part, and I do adore how it ties back to the events of Burned Out...but I mean, Recluse is just SUPER good. The way it flips around the initial impression of Raymond and Agnes, all of the super cool plot reveals it gives, the generally very novel concept, the LORE...yeah, I definitely prefer it. It also helps that it's...like, a complete statement, although I don't want to judge the Father Burroughs duology too hard simply for its unique structure.

20. Desecrated Host ✝️ Vs. The Observer Effect 🪞

And on the flipside...Desecrated Host wins here! The Observer Effect is still great, the raw fear emanated by the protagonist, the insight it gives into the institute and The Eye, and my own personal connections to it give it a special place in my heart. But...Desecrated Host is just THAT haunting. It's another one of the earliest examples of those "what the fuck" episodes, and still stands tall as one of the best in that regard. The religious imagery, the ending, the raw insanity that ensues from...what is in retrospect, probably all of ✨the horrors✨ mingling together for...some weird reason...it's just amazing.

21. Freefall 🪂 Vs. Hard Shoulder 🚐

Ok....I hate to do it to the episode that gave us "enjoy sky blue" and "the sky ate him"...but I do actually prefer Hard Shoulder. There really isn't anything...wrong with Freefall, I think it's a scary and emotional story and the episode as a whole has a really shocking ending...I just prefer Hard Shoulder. Daisy is a really interesting character in this one, and I mean...come on, finally getting the coffin back after all that time is WAY too satisfying.

22. Colony 🔦 Vs. First Edition 📃

First Edition is absolutely brilliant. Mary is an absolutely terrifying character, her backstory is grim and enticing, and the amount of lore it brings...I mean, wow. But...I don't know, Colony introduces us to Martin, brings Jane back, and is the episode that finally, truly gives tma an ongoing story. It...very clearly deserves the win here in my opinion.

23. Schwartzwald 🇩🇪 Vs. The End of the Tunnel 📹

Another example of two episodes I'm not all that huge on...but End of the Tunnel is the clear winner for me here. In retrospect...I'm not all that big on Schwartzwald to be honest. I still think it has a cool setting and a fun classic horror vibe, but otherwise...meh, it's pretty much the only episode of tma that drags for me, and the novelty of a letter to Jonah kind of wore off after Foundations. The End of the Tunnel...it's nothing crazy, but it's effective, pretty scary, has a canonically queer protagonist, maybe some Divine Host involvement, and Melanie shows up at the end. ...That's pretty good overall.

24. Strange Music🪆Vs. Burial Rites 💀

This one's pretty easy for me. Burial Rites certainly has a lot of merits, from the shitty protagonist to the return of the reapers...but I just prefer Strange Music. I don't know, it's not...that much of a difference in terms of how much I like them from the lense of logic...the former just sticks out to me more for whatever reason. What can I say, I think the calliope and the dolls are pretty cool, and I like the way it comes back around in Tightrope a lot.

25. Growing Dark ⛪️ Vs. Binary 💻

Look...Growing Dark is a fantastic episode. It does an even deeper dive into the effects of cults than what A Father's Love did, has a great and compelling cast of characters, and is just really intriguing and compelling all around. But...I'm eating my computer crunch crunch crunch keyboard keys for breakfast dinner and lunch you see the red drip from my lips I call this snack computer chips woa-oah and I'm chewing up bits of the screen but it's glass so it's cutting into my throat as I swallow the mass of crystal and the blood continues to fall I won't leave until you watch it all-

26. A Distortion ☕️ Vs. Held in Customs 📦

Yeah, the box is cool and freaky and all, and I like the Salesa-Lukas business collab...but expecting me to rank it above a statement from Sasha which details her encounter with both Michael and the worms would be the stupidest thing you could do right now.

27. A Sturdy Lock 🔑 Vs. Burning Desire ❤️‍🔥

...This is quite literally one of my least favorite episodes up against what might just be my absolute favorite. Ok, look, I can appreciate A Sturdy Lock for what it is, I think it's pretty scary and has good themes. In fact...the more I think about said themes, alongside the prominent presence of a door...it might even have some Micheal involvement for all I know, which would definitely boost my opinion of it very high up. But even then...I don't think it could compete with something as beautiful, tragic, and heart/face-warming as Burning Desire.

28. Skintight 📸 Vs. The Tale of a Field Hospital 🪰

Agh...I HATE TO PIT THESE TWO AGAINST EACH OTHER AS WELL!!! I really do like The Tale of a Field Hospital, I think it's one of the most unique episodes in the entire series when it comes to the premise and framing device, and just has...such a lovable loser of a protagonist. But...I think Skintight still wins for me. Melanie is just a really great character, the whole idea behind it is super charming, and the way I freaked out when The Anglerfish came back...I'll never forget that.

29. Cheating Death 🎲 Vs. Thought for the Day 🧠

Oooooooooh...this is a very interesting one. I've had...very interesting experiences with both of these episodes to say the least, but...I think I'll give the point to Thought for the Day. Cheating Death is phenomenal, it has such a cool location, and I will never forget the way it absolutely blindsided me by the time it was over. But...Thought for the Day gets the slight edge, not only because I'm REALLY fond of the whole psych experiment idea and the spiders...but also because if it weren't for this episode, I would have never gotten to experience the joy and pain of my simulation theory rabbit hole, and unlike Cheating Death, that experience is still greatly affecting me to this day. So...win for the funny number.

30. Killing Floor 🍖 Vs. Book of the Dead 🧵

Ok, so...I think Killing Floor is a pretty clear favorite here for me. Book of the Dead is...pretty good all things considered, it has a decently freaky premise and I really like the open-endedness it brings, I just don't like it as much as Killing Floor. But like...while I'm not surprised to see it win, I am surprised that in retrospect, I like Killing Floor as much as I do. Like...I don't know, something about the idea of a creepy never-ending abattoir that you can't exit until you accept that humans and animals are all just meat in the end...that's just really cool and interesting to me for some reason, and I really like how it's implied that freaky stuff is STILL happening there at the end. So uh...yeah.

31. First Hunt 🦌 Vs. Underground 🚉

First Hunt is a pretty damn good episode all things considered. I mean, anything that perfectly represents the horrors of the Appalachian trail and has a somewhat homo-romantic story about two tragic hunters is pretty cool in my book. But like…I think it’s pretty hard to reach the level of iconic possessed by Karolina Górka, so….yeah, there’s a clear winner here for me.

32. Hive 🐝 Vs. Takeaway 🥓

Yeah…this one’s obvious if you know me. Takeaway’s good and all, I like the creepy abandoned restaurant as a setting, all of the religious dismemberment is pretty cool, Tom Haan is a scary antagonist…but it doesn’t even come close to the raw, poetic horror of Jane’s psyche that we get in Hive.

33. Boatswain’s Call ⛴️ Vs. Police Lights ⚫️

Yeah, I mean…I guess I like Boatswain’s Call a good amount, The Tundra is a nice setting and I’m very intrigued by The Lukas Family…but I mean, come on. A story about Section 31 going against The Divine Host, ending a big bang for…at least parts of their respective story arcs? That’s pretty hard to beat.

34. Anatomy Class 🍎 Vs. Fatigue 💤

Hm…this one is interesting. Both of these episodes are among some of the most unique and memorable fan favorites I’ve listened to, and both for very good reason, they’re amazing. But…I’m going to give the edge to Anatomy Class. Fatigue has…so, SO many amazing elements that I absolutely love, from poetic and haunting dialogue to the mere presence of Michael…but, most of its great elements can still be found in at least one other episode. Anatomy Class on the other hand? I mean…that’s just one of a kind. I have yet to have anything like it since listening to it, so…yeah, I think it just barely wins for me.

35. Old Passages 🔨 Vs. A Long Way Down🪜

Ok, look…A Long Way Down is great. Ladders, Paris, Mike, toxic sibling relationships, all great elements that are used to great effect. But let me remind you that if not for Old Passages…a lot of my theories would’ve never come to pass. Not the majority…but a lot. So…yeah, it wins. Also it has teenage MCR fan Gerard so that’s a plus.

36. Taken Ill ✋ Vs. The Smell of Blood 🚃

I’m…honestly kind of surprised to say it, but…I think Taken Ill wins here. Like…it shouldn’t, but for some reason…it does. The Smell of Blood is phenomenal, it’s such a creepy episode and a great continuation of Melanie’s character, but like…I don’t know. Taken Ill just…really stands out to me. The way it slowly builds up to its climax, the general concept of an elderly home being overrun by Amherst’s horrible disease, Trevor’s appearance at the end, and the absolutely bone-chilling mental image of the place burning down with everyone inside, as well as Nicole cutting off her hand…it just sticks with me in a really special way.

37. Burnt Offering 🍼 Vs. The Kind Mother ❌

Burnt Offering still stands out to me as one of the best examples of a really short, yet really good episode, as well as one of the most…non-stop painful sounding ones with all of the heat and fire. But, I do think I have to give the edge to The Kind Mother, since it’s carried by its extremely creative use of The NotThem, Gertrude’s inclusion, and the way it furthers the plot.

38. Lost and Found🏺Vs. Distant Cousin 🪓

Look…admittedly…I do prefer the statement itself in Lost and Found, it’s a lot more memorable to me for…pretty obvious reasons. But…not only does Distant Cousin still have a great statement regardless, but…that ending scene really does carry it hard for me. It…kind of feels wrong, but…my vote goes to the latter.

39. Infestation🧯 Vs. Hide and Seek 🫥

Ok, so…both of these are great, but I do think Infestation did it slightly better. Hide and Seek is phenomenal in its own right, I love all of the scenes with Martin and Tim, Micheal’s inclusion is great, and I mean…the whole chase sequence with Jon and The NotThem is in a league of its own. However…I don’t know, I think I still prefer Infestation. It just has a bit more going on in terms of character, and amongst all of the chaos, there’s a lot more great development, tender moments, and fantastic comedic relief from Tim. Also…not to mention Sasha’s death, like…wow. So yeah, both great…but I do still slightly prefer Infestation.

40. Human Remains 🩹 Vs. The Librarian 📚

Ok…look…I’ve had some time to let the recency bias settle…but even then, The Librarian clears. Human Remains does everything it needs to. It wraps Season 1 up nicely, it has some great character moments, and gives big reveals in the forms of Gertrude’s body and Not!Sasha…but at the end of the day, it’s main purpose is to nicely transition into Season 2. The Librarian…I did just talk about it, so I won’t go into too much detail, but…it basically achieves all of that and more, not only setting up next season, but…setting up everything to come, shaking the very foundation of the story. Basically, both are endings to story arcs…but The Librarian feels like it’s also the beginning of 10 new ones, so because of that…it wins.

And with that...I'm finally done. Every episode of Seasons 1 and 2 of The Magnus Archives pitted against each other. And the results are...an exact tie. Like...I didn't plan this out to be corny and all like "oh, there's no need to fight, they're equal :)" or anything...it literally just ended up like that. Granted though...I once again need to emphasize that this is not fully emulative of my actual opinions. Like I said, it's just a fun thought experiment I'm doing in order to reminisce on older episodes, and I don't think comparing episodes like this, especially in a way where I'm pitting against episodes with completely different narrative purposes 95% of the time, is a good way to do critique. It's just a fun idea of mine, and at the end of the day, I'm still pretty confident that I like Season 2 a bit more than Season 1 when you compare them as a whole. Well uh...once again, thank you a bajillion times for reading this all! And as promised, the word count for this entire post is....84.482. Congratulations, you just unknowingly consumed what is technically considered to be the length of your average adult novel :). ...What's that? Am I flexing underneath the guise of being humble? ....Ok yeah maybe a little bit, but CAN YOU LET ME HAVE THIS?! I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS THING FOR FIVE FUCKING WEEKS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, AND HAVE SPENT THE PAST THREE HOURS TYPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT NON-STOP IN THE HOPES OF GETTING THIS BLASTED THING OUT BY SUNDAY!!! ....Ok but in all seriousness, you genuinely rock if you've read this much sleep-deprived neurodivergent rambling about the funny pipe murder podcast. Like, all I have to do is info-dump on social media, reading that is a whole other skill that you should be very proud of. And even if it sounds like I'm getting super tired of writing this at times...believe me when I say I wouldn't trade doing this for the world. Life can get...pretty slow and lonely for me at times, but being able to write about my passions like this, and being able to get some really kind responses and feedback from people...it means everything. Well...I'm finally done. I'll see you around next time for the first 10 episodes of Season 3. I'm probably going to take a brief break from listening to tma in order to just finish up some other stuff and work a bit harder for school, but uh...I hope to see you again soon! And hopefully...the eighth post won't be quite as long as this one. Bye! :)

Supplemental: POV you are Jurgen Leitner

[mjjune]

A Hot Take(?) on Critique/Beta Comments: Self-Determination Policy

Consider this a spin-off from my Beta Reading Series which you can find here. (you don't have to read them to follow this post, but if you like this post, you'll like the whole series.)

I was discussing this with a friend who works for a crisis center/hotline, and we ended up agreeing that their "Self-Determination Policy" was a similar mindset that we take when beta reading each other's work.

Since it goes along with most of what I said in my previous posts, I thought I would expand on it here. Again, this has my usual disclaimer: this is all personal experience/opinion.

content warning: there is mention of suicide below

Below:

What is Self-Determination?

Self-Determination in Beta Reading

What About Giving Advice?

What To Do Instead of Advice

Tips & Examples of Comments

TL;DR at the bottom !

What is Self-Determination?

Essentially, at hotlines and other crisis centers where volunteers or workers are taking calls from those who may be a threat to themselves or others, they have a rule that the caller is responsible for any decisions they make, even if that decision is to take their own life. These policies both acknowledge that the caller retains their right to make their own decisions, as well as protects the workers from potential lawsuits or accusations.

To paraphrase from an actual policy: workers are to explore the caller's feelings and build a relationship of trust so the caller can explore all options.

So that's what I want to talk about here! This policy is exactly how I approach beta reading, and it's also how I want my readers to approach beta reading my own work.

Self-Determination in Beta Reading

First, I want to clarify there is a difference between critique partners, alpha readers, and beta readers. All readers/writers may have different expectations for each type of reader. For me, this self-determination policy is perfect for beta readers, but would not necessarily be appropriate for critiques or alphas.

For more on this, see my posts on alphas vs. betas here, and on critique vs. betas here.

There are two main self-determination points that apply to beta reading:

We won't make decisions for you. We support the decision you make.

You are the expert [on your story]. Our advice or opinions are not important*

And this is exactly the mindset beta readers should approach a story with!

Many readers come at being betas with the mindset "I want to make this story as good as possible" and this is a great mindset, however we need to dig deeper if we want to have a good beta/writer relationship and actually make the story better.

And going deeper means betas acknowledging that the writer is the expert, the writer is the one making the decisions regarding the story, and that the readers should support those decisions no matter what. Yes, even if they disregard your comments. Yes, even if they change the story in a way you think is making it worse. Yes, even if you have more writing experience.

* I do want to clarify that obviously beta comments are important. But the point here is that in the grand scheme of things, the writer's opinion is the only one that matters, and what is important is all the betas' comments together, not yours individually.

Wait, Then Should I Not Give Advice?

Honestly? No.

Just like how the crisis hotline does not offer advice or solutions, beta readers shouldn't either.

However, there is a slight deviation from the self-determination policy that I want to make here:

In the crisis hotline, a worker would not give advice or solutions to the problem but would share resources for the caller to make solutions on their own. (This might be referring to a specialist or going to a hospital.)

However, they would ask before providing these resources. The same goes for beta readers.

Providing resources would depend on the writer. Some writers might welcome craft-based resources, and some writers would see it as offensive. (I know if I was on draft 4 and satisfied with my book and a beta sent me a link teaching show vs. tell, I would be pretty upset lol)

Beta readers are here to read and give comments, but this does not open the door for advice unless the writer has explicitly asked for it. If you're beta reading and giving any type of advice, whether it be how to fix a problem in the story, how to pitch/query/publish it, what changes should be made, etc — then you are breaking this self-determination policy and not truly being a beta reader. (instead, you are more resembling a critique partner)

So What Do I Do Instead of Advice?

Rather than advice or solutions, betas should be sharing reactions, ideas and analysis.

I know, the line between these and "advice" can be blurred. This might even come down to the way it's worded, and the way the writer interprets it.

"It might be interesting if you explored [x] more."

"I can't picture this scene, you need more description."

"I'm struggling to connect to this character."

"This character interaction directly parallels the one that happened earlier and it shows how the characters have changed."

"The first act is too slow. You should work on pacing."

Which of these are reactions? Which are ideas? Which are advice?

Some are clearer than others, and ultimately some people would probably disagree.

Personally, the only ones I would consider to be advice are 2 and 5. These go against the self-determination policy because they make the step from being about how the reader is experiencing the story, to how they would change it if it were theirs.

Because that's what this comes down to. The story belongs to the writer, not the beta.

Now this is a "do as I say not as I do" situation. As a beta, every book I read I do what I call my "two-page ramble" where I do analysis for 2-3 pages (literally) about the themes in the story what I would do if I were the writer. However, I preface it, saying that. I tell the writer ahead of time and even separate it from the rest of my comments so the writer doesn't even have to read it, if they don't want to. Some writers ignore it, and some say that even though it's not what they would do, it gave them ideas they hadn't otherwise considered.

And another caveat: some writers might be totally fine with readers giving advice! This is why it's important to have good communication between betas/writers. Before reading you should not only discuss what kind of feedback the writer is looking for, but also where the story is in its development, and what the writer hopes to achieve with the story.

Tips & Examples

The key to avoiding advice and sticking to analysis, reactions, and sharing general ideas really comes down to wording and the focus of the sentence. From my experience both with counseling and beta reading, I focus on these two things:

1. "I" statements

This keeps the focus of your comments to you and how you are experiencing the story. This helps stay away from "you should" type sentences, which are always leaning towards advice/solutions.

Examples:

I am struggling to follow this plot point

I don't feel connected to this character

I can't picture this scene

I was/wasn't expecting this to happen

I'm hooked/haven't put the book down in [x] chapters

I am losing focus/bored in this paragraph/scene

2. Open-ended questions

This comes straight from my counseling class as well as my friend who works at the crisis hotline. Open-ended questions typically start with "what" with the goal of getting the writer to think—analyze their own writing and story. If you want to be extra considerate, avoid "why" questions because these are often interpreted as offensive/attacking.

These questions essentially replace advice. Instead of saying "you should do [x]" these questions guide the writer to figuring out what to do on their own.

Because ultimately that should be the goal. Instead of "I want to help this writer make their story the best it can be" we should go further: "I want to help this writer figure out what they want to do with the story, to make it exactly the story they want to tell."

Essentially, if you feel like something is missing, or something needs work, instead of directly saying "this thing is bad, here's what you should do" you ask an open-ended question instead. If you feel like a character's interaction doesn't feel genuine, or you don't understand why a character is making a decision, you might ask "What is your character thinking in this scene?"

Another thing I personally do is combine these "I" statements and open-ended questions. This does two things: 1) pinpoints the exact feeling the reader is having/problem they see and 2) asks a question that will guide the writer to hopefully finding an answer

Combo Examples:

I don't see the point of this scene, and I'm bored. What was your intention for this scene before you wrote it?

I'm confused about this character. What influenced your character to make this decision?

I'm struggling to connect with this character. What does he want/what is his goal?

To show how these comments are better (and following self-determination), let's look at the first example.

If you are bored or don't see the point in a scene, you might be tempted to give advice and tell the writer to cut the scene entirely (or tell them what to change). However, this self-determination-based comment instead tells the writer that you are bored/disconnected (which is invaluable!) but instead of giving advice, asks a question that will hopefully lead the writer to analyzing the scene and figuring out what they want to do about it—because the truth is, the writer may choose to leave the scene as is, and that's fine. Cutting the scene might not make the story better. There are so many reasons a scene might feel slow or boring, and it's not the beta's job to fix it. It's the writer's.

TL;DR —

Self-Determination means that you do not make decisions for anyone other than yourself. This means regardless of what the writer decides to do with your comments, you support it. You do not know what is best for the story, or how to fix the problems it has.

The writer is the expert in their story. As a beta reader, you should approach with the mindset that you are here to share your reactions, ideas and analysis of their story so they can make it better.

Self-Determination means: No advice. No solutions. Engage, listen, ask questions, analyze, share reactions, and support the writer in whatever they choose.

(Unless the writer explicitly asks for it. This is why you should communicate beforehand!)

Peace out ✌️

~MJ

[bbygirl-aemond]

can you pls talk about rhaenys bc her conversation with alicent in ep9 INFURIATES me

Oop get ready for an unpopular opinion. I actually love that whole conversation and everything it illuminates about both Alicent and Rhaenys. It's such an effective and devastating commentary on the different reactions women have to the patriarchy. And I don't think it has to be read as Rhaenys antagonizing or looking down upon Alicent, in which case she definitely does come across as a hypocrite, given that she never once even attempts to disobey her husband no matter how strongly she disagrees with him.

But is that the only way to read Rhaenys's words here? No. And I'm not convinced she's trying to accuse Alicent of wrongdoing here, especially in light of the conversation Rhaenys had with Rhaenyra in episode 2. In that conversation, Rhaenyra very much seems to be reveling in the fact that she is an exception while Rhaenys is not. Rhaenys fails to rise to the bait, because she understands what Rhaenyra does not: There is no exception to misogyny, not even if you are the rightful heir to the throne. So it seems odd for Rhaenys to see right through Rhaenyra there, and yet to turn around and do the exact same thing to Alicent.

So I think that in episode 9 Rhaenys is commiserating with Alicent. Consider the actual words she says. Never once does she insult Alicent, or imply that she is evil for the things she's had to do. She simply says, "you toil still in service to men. Your father, your husband, your son." This doesn't have to be a judgment, since Rhaenys has spent her entire life doing the exact same thing. Remember, in this scene Rhaenys is trying to convince Alicent to free her. It's not unthinkable that she's trying to build common ground and incite Alicent's sympathy in order to get herself released. It's not unthinkable that she says this knowing the exact same thing applies to her, too, that she says this precisely because of it.

And consider the line "have you never imagined yourself on the Iron Throne" and how incredibly telling it is. Rhaenys isn't necessarily marveling at the fact that Alicent works within the limits of the patriarchy, because for all the above reasons Rhaenys herself very much does the same thing; she's marveling at the fact that Alicent is so brainwashed she doesn't even allow herself to privately dream of freedom. That she "desire[s] not to be free, but to make a window within the wall of [her] prison."

Because Rhaenys cannot stop imagining it, imagining herself on the Iron Throne. The indignity and cruelty and injustice of being denied her birthright haunts her every waking moment. Now, this anger does not give her the power to challenge what has been done to her. She conforms, and she submits, just like Alicent. But it makes her fucking furious, while Alicent will not even allow herself that. Rhaenys cannot be content with just a window, and she knows that deep down Alicent cannot be, either, but that doesn't mean Rhaenys thinks she's any less trapped within that prison. Rhaenys wants more than a window, and yet she knows that both her and Alicent will never be able to have anything more.

Rhaenys isn't marveling in how brainwashed Alicent is. She's sympathizing with it. Yes, she's frustrated and angry, but she displays enough awareness throughout the series to indicate that she'd understand Alicent isn't the target of her ire. She's venting, y'all, to the only other person who might understand her unique torment as a high-born woman whose power is still not enough to save her.

I know fandom loves to pit women against each other, especially in this case given the whole team divide within the HotD fandom. But in my mind, this is simply an excruciatingly honest and vulnerable conversation between two women who have spent their entire lives being trampled by the patriarchy, allowing it to happen because they have no other choice. They are the same in every way, and they are the same in their helplessness in the face of institutional misogyny. Alicent and Rhaenys are the same, save for how they privately feel about their circumstances: Whether they feel resignation, or rage.

And these negative feelings are levied not towards each other, because they both understand (unlike baby Rhaenyra in episode 2) that other women are not and have never been the enemy. Instead, these feelings are directed towards the men, towards the patriarchy, towards the system that has actually done this to them. Rhaenys is furious in this scene, but I think it's so much more interesting if you recognize that she is only ever furious at what the patriarchy has done to her, and that the only things she feels towards Alicent are camaraderie and pity.

HotD is a fascinating exploration of all of the different ways in which women try to respond or cope with the patriarchy. Alicent, a noble but relatively unpowerful girl, spends her entire life submitting to the more powerful men around her, telling herself she's alright with how things are. Rhaenys, one of the most powerful women alive, the rightful heir to the Throne and a dragonrider to boot, spends her entire life submitting to her more powerful, male family members, raging internally the whole way. Rhaenyra, arguably the most powerful woman alive, the rightful heir to the Throne and a dragonrider with the backing of all of the men in her family, fights and refuses to accept that things have to be this way. And yet all of them still suffer.

All of them still lose.

GRRM shows that no matter how much a woman conforms, and no matter how much a woman rebels, and no matter how much power a woman has within the system, the system will always win. No single person will ever best a centuries-instilled institution of oppression. This is also the reason why Daenerys succeeds, where these equally intelligent and talented women fail: Because she dismantles the system of power entirely. Because she breaks the wheel.

[foodsies4me]

February Malec fic rec!

Thanking @kalalab for this month's theme which is enemies to lovers! The same rules still apply, about one fic per author, but all of these authors have other brilliant fics you should be reading and if you want to add your own recs in the comments, tags, or reblogs please feel free to do so! 😊

Also, I have tagged the authors whose Tumblr account I know, but if you'd prefer I not tag you, please tell me so! I don't want these to be annoying for the authors.

One-shots:

Rumor Has It by Lecrit: A human AU which is not something I'm generally a fan of, but Lecrit just writes so well that I gobble this up anyway.

Summary:

Magnus widens his eyes at him, silently asking him to just give him this one. Alec simply curves one of his stupidly perfect eyebrows in response, a simple gesture that carries the weight of a call for challenge. “Looks like you’re gonna have to postpone your wedding for now,” Maia giggles next to him. Magnus huffs, flexing his jaw. “Oh, it’s on, Lightwood,” he mouths at him.

Also, because I suck at keeping to my own rules, I'm adding a second fic rec that I maybe love just as much by Lecrit aka the way to a chef's heart. But, in my defense, both fics are great and one is about cooking and baking. I am weak when it comes to food, okay?

Anyway, summary:

After a scorching review on his restaurant in one of the world's most famous food magazines, world class chef Magnus Bane is set on finding the food critic who dared to slander his art and make him change his mind. He doesn't expect someone as stubborn or infuriating as Alec Lightwood

you're the light that i won't let go by oh-la-fraise: Another human AU as well as an Enemies to Lovers with a twist.

Summary:

There were three unspoken rules to the Manhattan Institute of Higher Learning, New York’s premier private K-12 school: 1) Respect that the space under the football bleachers was for sex, and only for sex. 2) Don’t eat the cafeteria meatloaf. 3) Never mention Mr. Bane to Mr. Lightwood or vice versa, unless you wanted the whole class to get extra homework.

careless curses by @alexanderlightweight: I don't know what to say that isn't already stated in the summary except I love it when alexanderlightweight writes dark themes. (Or just writes in general).

Summary:

The Lightwood family has been cursed by death for generations and now, Alec lives with death hovering over him. Sometimes life is the curse and death the reward.

Ten Not-Dates That Magnus Bane Spends Falling In Love with Alec Lightwood by Aria_Lerendeair: Magnus is hilariously done at the start of this fic.

Summary:

Magnus was going to have words with the Clave. They would be decidedly unpleasant words, and they might be accompanied by a few very pointed magic blasts and maybe even curses.  They deserved it. Another Lightwood in charge of the New York Institute?

Multi-chapter fics or series:

All the Costs are Even by tsujiharu: A fic that deserves more love imo, is this Pride and Prejudice retelling. Also, I'm just now realizing that most of these are Human AU's despite me being notorious for generally not liking them, lol.

Summary:

A modern day Pride and Prejudice AU, in which a disgruntled lawyer and an aloof entrepreneur can't seem to get over their pride (and prejudices?) and admit their very obvious attraction to each other.

love is a four-letter word by @la-muerta: Do la-muerta fics need to be recced? Probably not because I suspect most people have read them. Am I still going to to rec them because I love them? Yes! So here is another lovely human AU fic where first impressions maybe aren't what they seem.

Summary:

Magnus knows he's one of the best editors in the business. So when the bigoted director of the publishing house he works for gives their grandson's best friend the promotion Magnus deserved to get, he decides that it's the last straw. Magnus intends to go out with a bang and take his new boss down with him — but he didn't mean for it to happen quite so literally.

Crush On You by @gospi: A FTH fic of 2023 that had me laughing at how salty Alec is about crushing on Magnus. A lot of fun.

Summary:

An ancient, unsuccessful recipe for starting new relationshipsalliances: A dash of rumors. A sprinkle of heritage. A smidgen of jealousy. A dollop of chaotic disasters. A shitload of assumptions. Let it simmer. Enjoy!

My True Love Gave To Me by AlxSteele: Christmas repeats itself endlessly for Magnus and while it's annoying he does end up learning a new side from the awful baked Alec Lightwood. Surprise, he isn't all that awful.

Summary:

Magnus Bane had a plan, a perfect Christmas Eve just like always. Hang out with his friends, bask in the Christmas Spirit. Then everything went wrong. Now he's stuck reliving the same day again and again and again. The bright side? Maybe Alec Lightwood isn't as terrible as Magnus always thought.

A fic that I am sure most people have already read because it is wonderful (which is the reason why I didn't add it last month even though it's a wing fic) is Fall Without Wings by @notcrypticbutcoy. It's a brilliant fic that's all.

Summary:

Or: In which the Nephilim have wings, are taught to loathe Downworlders, and Alec is presented with a conundrum when Magnus Bane saves his life.