#even though it was such a complex thing with so much trauma and paranoia involved on every side

[oblonger]

Chapter 8 of TPiaG: Body Swap AU

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@sincerely-sofie I think this is my favorite chapter I've written so far!

Twig is unconscious

Darkrai couldn't sleep.

As ironic as that sentence is, it's nonetheless true.

He'd long since gotten used to the needs that Twig's body demands for. And he would be lying if he didn't say he, to some extent, enjoyed being able to fall asleep.

But for the last week, he couldn't fall sleep for the life of him.

He tossed and turned in his bed, trying every position he could think of.

He attempted to sleep curled up, splayed out, on his belly, his side, his back. With his blanket, without his blanket (A grave mistake).

Nothing worked.

And he hated so much that he knew why.

He couldn't stop thinking of Twig.

That loathsome wretch that took his body.

He couldn't understand why he can't stop thinking of her.

He hated her.

He hated how scared and helpless he felt seeing that passage open.

He hated how he wasn't as angry as he wanted to be when she picked him up without his consent.

He can't stop thinking of how she broke the shelves in that closet to fit both of them in there, even though she could have easily just stuffed him in there alone.

He hated so much that he felt safe in there with her.

He hated the way his breath caught on itself when she pulled him closer, after hearing Grovyle step past.

He hated how he felt like he'd been torn in half when Grovyle ripped her out of there.

He hated how frozen in terror he was as he watched Grovyle beat her within an inch of her life.

He hated how he felt utterly useless, watching Celebi, Dusknoir and Kip do everything they could to keep her from dying...

...

Darkrai's eyes widened as a thought came to his mind.

She may not have been attacked if she had just left him.

She might not be unconscious in the hospital, straddling the line between life and death, if she had simply hidden herself in the shadows, and left him to confront Grovyle.

She wasn't hiding herself from Grovyle.

She was protecting him...

...

Darkrai slowly curled his fists, leaving scratch marks in the floor.

No.

That wasn't what she was doing.

She hated him as much as he hated her.

It was in her best interest to keep her own body alive.

Then why didn't she hide you in the closet alone, and try speaking with Grovyle

Because Grovyle would have attacked her regardless.

Then she would have hidden herself in the shadows and tried conversing with him.

Did you not see the murderous rampage Grovyle was on?! He wouldn't have listened to her.

What about the code word?

Darkrai's heart skipped a beat.

She would have had a chance to say it had she not tried to keep you safe.

She... She had a chance to say it during their fight. She'd forgotten she had that word in mind.

Would she have forgotten if he didn't claim that her voice was a trick? Would she have forgotten if she had a chance to talk with Grovyle? Would she have forgotten if she only dodged, and didn't try to fight back?

Grovyle wouldn't have believed her if she did say the word.

Kip didn't believe her until she said the word to him. And he had more of a reason to doubt the legitimacy.

Darkrai pressed his claws into his arms.

Stop.

If she had shown you to him, and explained what had happened, what do you think Grovyle would have done?

Darkrai winced from the pain he was inflicting on himself, attempting to hold back tears.

Stop it!

Grovyle would not have hesitated to try and kill you.

STOP!

He would blame you, as he does now, for stealing her body.

Blood was starting to pool where his claws pierced his skin.

Do you not recall her expression, when she apologized for what she said to you that morning? And the promise she made to find something for you to do during the day?

ENOUGH! I WILL NOT TOLERATE MY OWN MIND BELITTLING ME LIKE THIS!!!

She cares about you.

...

Darkrai quietly cried in his bed. Trying to remain as silent as possible so the others couldn't hear him.

Why?

...

Silence.

**********

Grovyle lay flat on his back in Kip's bed, ironically getting less sleep than he did than for the few weeks he was technically homeless. Forced to stay in that position so his ribs would heal correctly. Tears flow down his face as he thought about Twig.

The fear in her eyes, as a human, a Charmander, and in Darkrai's body haunted him.

The feeling of satisfaction he felt, watching her bleed before he knew who she was, made him consider leaving to enter Labyrinth Cave alone.

Grovyle intentionally took deep breaths. Each one sending out sharp pain from his chest.

He can never see her again. His presence would force her to relive what he'd done to her.

He tried to kill her.

He forced her through intense agony to make her suffer.

He traumatized her.

She should hate him.

She should hate him the way he hates himself, with every fiber of her being...

He hopes she does.

*********

Dusknoir couldn't take any comfort in the literature he used to. Despite Celebi's and the doctors' best efforts, the damage done to his eye is permanent. Everything looks like he'd been submerged underwater. His age already made his eyesight worse, but now he'll have to learn Braille to read again.

But he wasn't worried about that.

He was more worried about Kip.

He was of course worried about Twig. Praying at every moment that she would recover, but his fears still lay in seeing Kip neglect himself to watch Twig at all times.

The fact that the last thing he could, and probably will ever see clearly, was Kip's expression of terror, the same he'd seen several years ago, filled him with a pain that was much greater than what Kip had afflicted him with.

Dusknoir wondered if all of this would have been avoided if he was never given his undeserved mercy.

He saw the way Kip shook when he exited the passage of time.

Twig wouldn't be on the cusp of death, and Kip would be happy if he was simply never brought back.

********

Celebi couldn't understand how Darkrai isn't exhausted all the time with how he's constantly angry.

She's barely able to do anything but sit on the couch and think of just how much of a brain-dead idiot she is.

If she had just looked forward when they figured out that Kip and Twig had moved, then she could have stopped any of this from happening.

But NOOOOO!~ She just HAD to wait and see what would happen! She just HAD to be surprised by how things would turn out!

And now she hurt everyone and Twig might die.

Sure, they managed to get her to the hospital, and yeah, She's at least stable.

But what happens if her body gives out?

She dies.

And it'd be her fault if she does.

Celebi doesn't even want to think about what Kip and Grovyle would do if she passes.

She's completely trapped in a prison of her own design.

She hates that she didn't look forward then, and she hates how scared she is to look forward now.

She hates how angry she feels towards Kip for hurting Dusknoir like that. Even though she knows it was a knee-jerk reaction.

She hates how angry she is at Grovyle, for letting himself get to the point where all logic and reasoning went out the window. Even though she knows he was just tired and furious and paranoid.

But she doesn't hate how angry she is at herself.

There isn't a justification for her actions.

She is just stupid.

*********

Kip didn't care that sleeping next to her gave him nightmares. He couldn't care less that the pendant she wore with the lunar feather was lost during her fight.

The fear he feels in those nightmares pales in comparison to the fear he feels at every waking second.

Every morning he jolts awake, covered in cold sweat from the nightmare he had, and stares at Twig. Watching her to make sure she's still breathing.

He hasn't left the room since he was allowed in after the emergency surgery the Doctors had to preform on her.

He watches the doctors replace the medicine and bandages daily. Staring at her wounds to make sure they haven't gotten infected. Even if that's not his job.

Kip just-

He was so mad at himself.

He wanted to make up for abandoning Twig when she needed him most. But he can't.

And he might not ever be able to.

What a moron he is. He can't figure out why he started running in the first place.

They were his friends. They wouldn't hurt him or Twig.

But Grovyle ended up nearly killing her anyway. All because he wasn't there to defend her. To explain what had happened.

Kip stared at Twig.

First time she's slept since switching bodies, and it was because of him.

Kip stood up and heavily, slowly walked towards the door.

He turned his head to look back at her. Hoping she'd woken up.

She didn't. She lay in the same position. Her breathing, weak and short.

...

Team Skull was right about him

They were more right than Twig ever was.

All he ever did was weigh her down. He was a burden that he forced her to carry.

She had lied to him. He wasn't her friend. Friends don't abandon each other when they need them most.

Friends don't suddenly change their minds and try to go back for them for no reason.

Friends don't break down crying, unable to do anything while trying to put medicine on their wounds.

Friends don't act like him.

Kip left the room and slowly walked out of the hospital towards the travel agency. His head hung low.

He could feel the atmosphere get less heavy with each step, but he himself still felt heavy.

He's going... Somewhere. He doesn't know where. Just, any other town.

She doesn't deserve a scumbag 'friend' like him.

It's better this way...

*******

Celebi had told her everything.

She couldn't help but notice the underlying anger in her words. Everything recounted to her with an uncharacteristic flatness. Simply laying out the facts and nothing more.

She took a slight amusement as she thought about how Twig must have looked at Grovyle, when he saw her clutching that monster like some scared child holding a stuffed toy.

It was exactly what she deserved to have happen after she gave pity to that wretched, selfish thing.

At least justice was finally served.

Maybe now she'll take a step back and realize her actions and words were in no way justified.

Maybe she'll finally see just how awful he acted. And finally take the steps to right what's wrong.

Cresselia stopped her midnight flight when she suddenly realized that someone experiencing great physical and emotional pain. Barely detectable, as it was far away. All the way over on the Fire continent.

Cresselia decided to shelve the thoughts as she began making her way over to where the pain was originating.

She thinks it may be coming from a Snivy but she isn't quite sure yet.

Cresselia enjoyed the feeling of the crisp, early spring night breeze against her feathers.

Perhaps her and Kip will finally see eye-to-eye when she returns.

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

Loaded Guns

Most days this is the best way to describe me… a loaded gun. My ammunition is my trauma fueled rage. The trigger, ironically, is exactly that.

Anything can be a trigger to someone who has lived through trauma of any kind. It can be a place, a smell, a sound, an event, or even other people. They react to these triggers, either by going into a fight or flight response or worse, shut down.

Personally, my triggers are both emotional/interpersonal as well as physical. If I feel as though I’m being mistreated or misunderstood, I become triggered. Any holidays or events are triggering for me. I cannot remember an event or holiday that had no trauma involved. Depending on the context of the situation/conversation, this usually ends 1 of 2 ways: I blow up in a fit of rage or I cry in a fit of rage.

The blow up fit of rage is usually when I feel as though I’m being disrespected in some way. If I feel invalidated or hushed, yeah, you’re gonna see a nasty side to me. I do not like feeling as though I’m being manipulated in regards to what I think or how I feel. That was done to me enough as a teenager. No thank you please 💁🏻‍♀️

Now the crying fit of rage is much more complicated. This is when I am overwhelmed by the intrusive, negative thoughts about myself. The paranoia of no one ever loving me unless I break my spine for them. That I will fail because I’m not who they wanted me to be. That I’m worthless, trash they were forced to deal with. My guilt and shame over my illness and emotions fuels a whole other dynamic to this fucked up memento that is my complex trauma. I trust no one. Not even myself. They do not love me. I feel as though I’m not worthy of love and that it’s not feasible that people could ACTUALLY care for me. I am used until something better and less damaged comes along. I’ve been manipulated by the people I was supposed to trust most. Treated like a toy and a pawn by parents and lovers alike. There’s nothing they can say or do to convince me… because that gun is always locked, loaded, and aimed right at me.

The scientific explanation to this is more simple than you think… the body remembers trauma. The catalyst- your Central Nervous System (CNS).

The CNS is a very, very touchy area to begin with. Your CNS control center is found in the amygdala (right near your brain stem). When we elicit a fight or flight response (anxiety/panic attacks) this releases adrenaline causing the chain reaction of cortisol to be released into the body. This is what causes you to stay alert or “survive”, taking in every single piece of information you can about that moment and analyzing what you can do to keep safe. Survive. So next time we recognize these signs, these triggers if you will, we can keep ourselves safe or if need be defend ourselves against attack.

When this happens, we do not know how to regulate our OWN emotions as most of us had to learn how to regulate SOMEONE ELSE’S emotions in order to survive. So when we feel emotionally unsettled, we do not react well. It comes out as unintentional arguments. Hysterical sobbing until your lungs are about to burst and your whole body is shaking. Aggressive and confrontational. Paranoia and overthinking. Spiraling and spinning conspiracy theories in your head so much you actually begin to believe it. Detaching from everything and everyone. Hyper critical of everything, especially yourself (hyper vigilance). Nothing makes you happy. Loved ones know more about the things in your life that upset you than they know about what makes you happy. And this eats at you more because… does anything make us happy?

But for those of us with pistols for brains, we sink in the self loathing and shame. Each bullet aimed directly at the heart we as ourselves have to put back together.

As I’ve said before, we can overcome this. This is not something we are born with, we were subjected to this. This happened to us. We can re-route our brains and ourselves. Is it scary? Fuck yes. It’s horrifying. It means learning to let the world in. It means learning to trust. And scariest of all, taking your own finger off the trigger and letting go.

[aj28gaming]

Danganronpa messing up Nagito's character cuz apparently even they believe headcanons

Is it just me or is Danganronpa making Nagito worse?

Like at the start we have a socially intelligent and intuitive paranoid kid who hates despair and gets forced into a killing game that is filled with everything he hates and fears

So he clings desperately to hope as a coping mechanism to deal with everything

And then in the anime, we get a social outcast (for some reason even though people would've loved his hope talks like they did back in chapter 1 since no killing game happens and he is just speaking normally)

who bombs a school (forget his paranoia apparently) and nonchalantly allows himself to get out of the island and accidentally kill 40+ soldiers (again, ignoring his paranoia of his destructive luck cycle apparently)

And then in Danganronpa 2.5 we get a socially inept, clingy hope addict who apparently doesn't have boundaries?

(We seriously ignoring how much he pushes people away back in SDR2, is afraid of having friends due to his luck cycle, respects boundaries to the max, and how socially intelligent he is and his crazy empathy to know people's hopes and despairs?)

(And no even Mikan's motivations he understood, he knew she killed for despair because she literally killed for Junko, Mikan just says he doesn't understand because she doesn't count is as killing for despair, she counts it as killing for love)

And some of the fans defend this and says Nagito is hated or is supposed to have no boundaries because of his social ineptness or inability to properly socialize

Okay

WHEN?

WHEN HAS HE IN SUPER DANGANRONPA 2 ACTUALLY SUCKED AT SOCIALIZING OR WAS SOCIALLY INEPT OR OUT OF TOUCH?

NOT THE ANIME OR SPINOFFS, I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ACTUAL SECOND GAME WHERE HE FIRST SHOWED HIS FACE

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOW GONNA BASE ALMOST ALL OF MY POINTS ON HOW NAGITO IS AND ACTS DURING SDR2 AND THAT INCLUDES HIS FREE TIME EVENTS AND ISLAND MODE

NOT THE ANIME OR DANGANRONPA 2.5, JUST DANGANRONPA 2 GOODBYE DESPAIR

Bruh, the guy is hated sure, but boy was he awesome at being a people-person and gathering people during chapter 1

He encouraged everyone with his hope talks and Hajime even kept simping for the guy because of his positivity

And due to the guy's CRAZY HIGH EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING, he is able to understand the hopes and despairs of almost every freaking character

He knew Teruteru wanted to continue the culinary legacy and help his mom, that's his hope

He knew Imposter would want to protect everyone no matter what, that's his hope

He knew Mikan killed for Despair, that despair being Junko Enoshima

He knew Fuyuhiko's hope is Peko and that both of them care about each other very much

He knew how similar he and Hajime are and how they are both bystanders and lovers of Hope, for Hajime that Hope being Hope's Peak academy itself and/or having talent

The guy is crazy with how well he knows people, and he is definitely not socially inept at all

He respects boundaries, is able to read the room and the only time he seems socially inept is when he is either trying to purposefully annoy someone to get a reaction or when he is too obsessed with his ideas with hope

The guy is obsessed with hope, yes, but he is not socially inept

That is seriously downgrading how much empathy he has and how much understanding he has for every character

And Nagito does have empathy, the reason why it seems like he doesn't is because he treats the dead people like stepping stones for hope

He does have empathy tho, and too much that it takes a toll on his mental health whenever he sees dead bodies, so he clings to hope in order to cope and tries to pretend that it's okay if people die because there is always hope

(basically, deniability at it's finest)

It's not that the guy doesn't care, it's that he does a little too much

Which is why he laughs, laughing for him doesn't mean he is happy, it means he is surprised (he says this in island mode)

And seeing that his greatest fears are seeing people die constantly because of his luck cycle, wouldn't be surprised that he laughs like crazy in a literal killing game

And laughing out of stress or fear isn't unheard of, I mean there is also a thing called nervous laughter

And jesus christ, CAN PEOPLE STOP TRYING TO USE FRONTOTEMPORAL DEMENTIA SYMPTOMS TO EXPLAIN HIM?

What I mean is, yes he has dementia or is at least diagnosed with it

And I believe that he probably does actually have dementia (not saying he could've lied tho but he could've still been misdiagnosed)

But that doesn't mean he has all of the symptoms

I don't think we can confirm if he does or doesn't have dementia because he might just not have all of the symptoms

But I do know that using the symptoms to explain his character isn't a good idea especially since it usually undermines who he actually is

Like, let me explain

Behavior and/or dramatic personality changes, such as swearing, stealing, increased interest in sex, or a deterioration in personal hygiene habits

- No, and no not even when the killing game started. Yeah sure he laughs now, but that's no different from how he is normally since laughing for him is what he does when he gets surprised or stressed. He doesn't change much in the killing game, he still believes in hope and everyone else, still respects boundaries, still have crazy high intellect and empathy, still pushes people away

Socially inappropriate, impulsive, or repetitive behaviors

- not really, again the guy is a freaking gentleman even during the killing game. He respects boundaries, reprimands Teruteru for sexual assault during chapter 1, pushes people away and distances himself from others, isn't at all impulsive (usually quite the opposite really), and is usually planning and tries to remain calm and composed throughout the killing game (struggling tho cuz yeah killing game)

Impaired judgment

- here, I kinda disagree. I wouldn't say that Nagito is entirely in the right with everything he does, but I understand his views. The guy knows that no one is truly a bad person in the killing game because everyone was forced into it. He knows that even the blackened escapes and everyone dies, it isn't fully a bad thing because that means someone escapes and goes back home to their loved ones while the killing game ends

If a blackened succeeds, the despair would be of course everyone else dying and the blackened going through a lot of trauma, but the hope would be the end of the killing game and the blackened going home or to their loved ones or to their goal in life or whatever

If the blackened dies, the despair would obviously be the blackened dying and the killing game still continuing, while the hope would be everyone else still alive

Nagito isn't exactly wrong in wanting to help the blackened as well, of course, Nagito would want him himself to be the victim so another person gets a chance at escape and no one else would be the victim

Sadly for Nagito, that time never comes

Nagito doesn't want others to be killed, he wants to sacrifice himself instead as the victim instead of everyone else

Apathy

- .....big no. Nonononono. The dude is anything but apathetic.

"Apathy is a lack of feeling, emotion, interest, or concern about something."

Seriously, being a dude who is constantly supportive of everyone and their hopes in life and how passionate this dude gets about hope and despair, and the fact that he is the most stressed 24/7 about something bad happening due to his luck, this guy is seriously anything but apathetic

Lack of empathy

- No. If the guy truly lack empathy he wouldn't need to use Hope desperately as a coping mechanism, wouldn't care about the ultimates and their hopes and despairs, wouldn't constantly be thinking about helping the ultimates and overcoming despair, wouldn't be the most stressed out of everyone, and definitely wouldn't be in love with Hajime or even act the way he did in chapter 1

Decreased self-awareness

- You don't actually understand why you act the way you do.

A good indicator that you lack self-awareness deals with how well you understand your emotions, actions, and behavior. People who lack self-awareness often feel constantly off-kilter, anxious, or angry.

This is not Nagito at all. The guy understands his emotions and behaviors which is why he is able to do the things he does and is able to conduct plans based on how much he understands his own self and capabilities. The guy is actually the most self-aware out of everyone, he knows about how people don't understand him and constantly misunderstand him and his intentions, he is aware constantly of his inability sometimes to properly explain his goals to people.

The guy has a lot of self-awareness and isn't afraid to take responsibility for his actions. Actually, it's because of how self-aware he is of his own self and his destructive luck cycle that he constantly blames himself for anything bad that happens.

The guy is seriously self-aware as hell and it's scary sometimes

Loss of interest in normal daily activities

- Nope, he hasn't shown any sign of apathy towards anything and is usually pretty hyped about doing daily activities. He is paranoid though on the daily because he fears for what his luck cycle might do

Emotional withdrawal from others

- Emotional withdrawal involves bottling up your emotions. It involves cutting out the people who could help us, because we're so used to rejection that we've learned to anticipate it. Because we've learned to disconnect from others, we develop other unhealthy coping mechanisms

Emotional withdrawal is defined as pulling back emotionally or physically by bottling up your feelings or disconnecting from others. Emotional withdrawal can be far more complex at times. It is comparable to a breakup, in every way but physical.

Kind of? Yes, he pushes people away, but he is still willing to spend time with people, especially Hajime, when they really insist. He politely pushes people away, but he isn't opposed to hanging out with people either though it is sometimes rare

Loss of energy and motivation

- .... I already said it before, the guy is full of motivation and energy and passion that it is scary sometimes

Inability to use or understand language; this may include difficulty naming objects, expressing words, or understanding the meanings of words

-.....WHY IS THIS HERE? THE GUY IN THE JAPANESE DUB CONSTANTLY FLEXES HIS DAMN ENGLISH VOCABULARY DESPITE IT BEING A JAPANESE DUB

AND THE FUCKING ENGLISH WORDS HE USES ARE FANCY AND HIGH LEVEL AS FUCK THAT I FEEL SMART JUST READING THEM

Hesitation when speaking

- Definite no, the guy isn't afraid to voice his own opinions and never hesitates and can get very vocal about the things he is passionate about

Less frequent speech

- Again, definite hell no. I wouldn't be surprised if his voice lines are longer than the voice lines of everyone else combined

Distractibility

- Nope. The guy is focused on his goals constantly. No matter what he does, you can always be sure that it is for a certain goal. He pisses of Fuyuhiko? It was to get a reaction from him to confirm his suspicions about the true culprit. He lied about the rope? It was to see how Mikan would react and how the trial would go to confirm his suspicions about Mikan being the culprit?

The guy is focused like a damn soldier

Trouble planning and organizing

-.....do I seriously need to explain? This is Nagito we are talking about

Frequent mood changes

- Not really. He usually acts or reacts a certain way because something happened like someone died or something. He is actually pretty normal with how he acts and reacts and doesn't really change his mood rapidly that much

Agitation

- Yes and no? Sure the guy gets paranoid 24/7, but is still somewhat more chill than agitated to an extent. He is easy going and is just paranoid about what his luck would do, he is vigilant but not necessarily agitated

Increasing dependence

- No. The guy is independent to a fault and only relies on others when his plans call for it. He also usually does things of his own accord and rarely with a partner unless he really needs to or his goal is to help that person specifically, which knowing him is a usual thing

Unwillingness to talk

- Again, no. The guy talks a lot and while he pushes others away, he wouldn't turn down a conversation if the other person wanted one

Lack of inhibition or lack of social tact

- Again, no. The guy is a gentleman and respects boundaries and definitely gets stressed especially in the killing game. The guy is also paranoid 24/7 on a normal day due to his luck cycle

Obsessive or repetitive behavior, such as compulsively shaving or collecting items

- No? Sure he clings to hope but that is more of a coping mechanism. If he isn't in a stressful situation like a killing game he doesn't get that obsessive as much about hope since he doesn't need to desperately cling to it as a coping mechanism

Unusual verbal, physical or sexual behavior

- No? He isn't at all like this. It isn't unusual to panic or use a coping mechanism desperately when in a situation like a killing game, and he doesn't do anything unusual like this when it's a normal day. Sure the guy gets paranoid, but that's it

Weight gain due to dramatic overeating

- No? Actually, I don't really know how much weight he gains to be honest so idk

My main point here is, yes there is a chance Nagito does actually have dementia, but using the symptoms as a way to explain his character undermines who he actually is and can cause a lot of misunderstandings of his character

Especially since I remember being told that they only added in dementia to his character backstory a little late during his character development and creation

It isn't a good idea to use his symptoms because it usually gets his character wrong and sometimes makes them excuse a lot of the things he has done

The guy is self-aware, isn't socially inept, is a gentleman, and socially intelligent as hell

And I really hate how even Danganronpa itself seems to forget that

It's like they forgot who Nagito is, to begin with

[magneticmage]

I'm in the mood for it (plus it's Disability Pride month) so here are all my disabled ocs;

Under cut for Length

Additional Notes; Please do not judge me too harshly. While I have a few of these disabilities (most notably PTSD, anxiety-depression, and visual impairments) myself and personally know people who have some others, every person and their experiences are unique. I try my best to give these disabilities the space and gravity they deserve in my writing, but it is difficult for ones that I have no personal experience with. In addition, I am still learning and only human. If I have done something wrong or phrased something badly at any point now or in the future, let me know and I will do my best to fix it/do better. Apologies for the abrupt disclaimer but there we go.

Anyways!!!!

On the the List!

RWBY;

Selene Argent=Has PTSD, one prosthetic eye, and some physical scars on face and torso. I'd safely say she counts.

Baldur's Gate;

Sable Shades=Is an albino and was rendered mute at birth. He sunburns extremely easily and is near-sighted. He also often communicates through sign language.

Roan Roarke=Beyond some minor PTSD symptoms (increased anxiety and stress levels) surrounding fires, he's perfectly fine.

Faenerys Elendir=Has PTSD from her time imprisoned particular involving whips and brands as torture implements.

Rune Mistsea=Post-lycanthropy encounter, he is notably more short-tempered around the full moon along with a distinct craving for meat and violence. Otherwise, nothing else of note.

Lucine Mistsea=Beyond a notable paranoia issue when it comes to demons and cambions (but not fellow tieflings), she's fine.

Lyr(e/a/an) Lovemoor=Autistic. Too much light and noise and surrounding activity is draining and makes them short-tempered with occasional blowouts/meltdowns. Has a Thing about certain textures (very much hates slimes and oozes and squishy things for this reason, likes silks and furs and leathers). Has a fascination for all things shiny and glittery (gems and currencies are a special interest). Also often fidgets with their daggers.

Saga Musehart=Was rendered blind due to torture at the hands of prison guards. She also lost a hand (initially) and a forearm (later due to infection) and wears a prosthesis.

Cei Gloomdraft=Autistic or at least neurodivergent of some kind. Might have some ADHD, it's not quite clear yet in the few pieces I've written so far to help develop her.

Mass Effect;

(Solo Shepard Canon)

Annette Shepard=Has some lingering PTSD symptoms from surviving a raid on Mindoir, then thresher maws in Akuze, and then being spaced at the beginning in Mass Effect 2. She also suffers from some survivor's guilt Post-Virmire due to losing Ashley, and then all of Mass Effect 3 puts such a huge burden on her that she's fighting off some severe depression and despair from all the losses. She's got an old war injury in her shoulder that acts up from time to time, occasionally making her biotics misfire a barrier. She's on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent her body from rejecting her Cerberus-added cybernetic implants and upgrades, and also some antidepressants for depression and anxiety symptoms for said lingering PTSD symptoms. Girl's a walking disaster-fire mentally but she keeps on surviving and she still looks for the good in life as it comes, so there's that.

(Shepard Siblings)

Joanna=Like Roscoe and Riley, she's also on immuno-suppressants to prevent cybernetic implant rejection. Notably, she's the most well-adjusted of the three mentally, although the losses and struggles of ME 3 start to take their toll due to depression. She spends an awkward month on the Normandy adjusting to the new medication while adjusting the amounts needed. In addition, she also goes through a whole existential crisis come the Citadel DLC about if she is really Joanna Shepard or a clone (which Riley, Roscoe, and the Normandy crew snap her out of). Her survivor's guilt is much less pronounced than Riley's though she does start the early stages of a martyr complex (it's a source of frequent and well-humored debate between Riley and Roscoe if it was already there or not) about the of Thane's death. But she does her best and keeps on going.

Roscoe=Definitely mentally ill. He's got some trauma around abandonment that starts to get fully addressed around ME 2 in part due to Jack and Miranda and is mostly resolved around ME 3 though naturally scars remain. It often manifests as anger, depression, and even callousness. Like Joanna's and Riley, he is on immuno-suppressants to prevent the potential rejection of his cybernetics. He's also got an old wound from Torfan in his abdomen that acts up under stronger pressures like before a rainstorm or different gravity levels as well as drastic temperature changes such as cold (he HATES Noveria for that reason in particular though it isn't the only one, man). Beyond all that, he's very strong-willed and gives no fucks to shit.

Riley=Much like Annette except a bit more well-adjusted due to a larger support network and character drive. Has notable flashbacks/triggers around batarians, thresher maws (this one includes panic attacks once the direct danger has passed), and hardsuit complications (they always makes sure that their helmet and everything is in working and optimal order). Has survivor's guilt from their losses on Mindoir and Akuze but between meeting Talitha and Toombs in ME 1, they confront and deal with it, beginning to heal from it. Even on Virmire with the loss of Honora and all the failures of ME 3, they do better at handling it though it still remains to varying degrees. Like Joanna's and Roscoe (and Annette again), they're on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent issues with their body rejecting the cybernetics, with the additional ones of antidepressants to help manage some of their anxiety-depression symptoms. They also have some degree of chronic pain (maybe some kind of cystic fibrosis?) due to past overuse of their biotics that damaged part of their nervous system and occasionally causes it to misfire for no reason, often causing intense pain. Rarely and only if the pain isn't treated with extensive biotics-free rest periods and numbing agents in the form of more pills, the biotics will manifest and they'll accidentally move shit around, including themself a few times. This is most notable in ME 3 due to the nature of the larger and longer combat sequences with shorter and shorter rest times between. Though they manage as best they can with the help of their crew and family, it is still a struggle and they notably stop joking about retiring when they're dead and seem to consider it more seriously around ME 3 but save the final decision for the end of the Reaper Wars.

(Shepard Family)

Honora Hartford=She had an eating disorder when she was younger that left some lingering issues with her health but overall she's fine up until her death.

Riley's deceased siblings were overall healthy though Payton had Down's Syndrome and Brooklyn had ADHD. Harley had moderate asthma and used an inhaler.

Clover has anemia quite often and takes iron pills daily

The rest of the Shepard cousins don't have any disabilities to much knowledge though I am still fleshing them out.

(Andromeda)

Sara and Scott Ryder have some lingering damage from their cryopod accident and the Kett leader fucking with them, but otherwise they are okay.

Asher has ADHD while Shiloh struggles with a mild form of chronic fatigue. Evander, Rebecca, and Lucas are all able-bodied.

Dragon Age;

(Fereldan Wardens)

Lynera Mahariel=Dunno if this counts, but am putting it here anyways since it affects her overall health. Occasionally suffers from a type of sleep paralysis that is mixed with night-terrors. It doesn't appear to have a rhyme or reason as to when it occurs beyond perhaps stress and it's only every few months. However, it often leaves her completely drained for at least a week afterwards. She also occasionally has insomnia post-terrors as well which she self-medicates with sleeping draughts. She also has crippling period pains that appear to be consistent with ovarian cysts on her left side (though she later has it removed by Catriona once it ruptures due to injury). She also suffers from bouts of depression during Origins but that could be due to the extenuating circumstances she was under at the time.

Isemaya Tabris=When overly stressed, being exposed to strong amounts of concentrated Taint in a short period of time, or sometimes simply for no apparent reason, she suffers from intense migraines that are often treated with herbal painkillers and lying still in a dark and quiet room. Also due to a past injury to her left eye by humans, she has a harder time seeing on that side but is not completely blind.

Catriona Surana=She seems to be autistic due to her ability and predilection to hyperfocus on various studies (often Blight and magic-related but other areas do occur) as well as her obliviousness to social cues (she didn't realize she was liked by her suitors until Cale outright told her and by then she had decided she liked them already). Notably, she adapts a bit better Post-Origins due to Alistair and Leliana's influences but it still happens.

Cale Amell=Had some minor amnesia surrounding the exact events leading to his magic manifestation but later learned it was because he had set his eldest brother Azul on fire and believed he killed him as Raven helpfully supplied (Azul had instead faked his death as Cale discovers around the time of Awakening).

Fion Cousland=Briefly suffers from a minor alcohol addiction but has treatment while he is still in the functional phase courtesy of Catriona. Since then, he heavily monitors his intake and even helps Oghren get treatment for his own. He also occasionally has painful muscle twinges due to an injury that stretches from his temple to his eye and ear down to his neck on the right side. This is most notable in bad weather or when he is sick.

Barran Aeducan=Suffered from a superiority-inferiority complex towards his siblings growing up though it has greatly lessened with time and experience. It is mostly gone by the time of Inquisition though prominent traces still remain.

Tatha Brosca=She is hard of hearing and has manged to cope by learning to lip-read (not always successful, however, especially with languages she is not familiar with) in Origins and a pair of hearing "horns" designed for her by an admiring Smith caste man by Awakening. She often jokes that now she has even more in common with her Bronto companion, Salroka, due to their shared horns.

(Origins)

Vireth Mahariel=Suffers from epilepsy and often treats it with various herbal remedies, though it is not completely effective and large amounts of intense stress on his body make it worse. He also begins to develop cataracts around the time of Act 2 of Dragon Age 2, though the cause is unknown (presumed genetics or simply age at the moment).

Elthorn Tabris=Has a stutter speech impediment.

Alaros Surana=Unknown at the moment as I haven't written too much about him.

The Amell Siblings=Probably doesn't count but Azul gets motion sickness, especially on boats. Raven, Carmine, and Reed are all perfectly healthy and fine, however the latter two are the ones I've written least at the moment. Marigold has asthma that she treats with herbs.

Aelynne Cousland=Nothing comes to mind. She does have some old injuries (mentally and physically) she acquired from the attack on Highever by Arl Howe that color her later interactions with the family during the Fereldan Civil War.

Valda Aeducan=Has a notable visual impairment that is corrected with glasses, albeit there is nothing to be done for her slight colorblindness (she has a hard type distinguishing between greys, greens, and blues).

(Orlesian Wardens)

Dion Caron=Suffers from sleep apnea that is eased by a special breathing herbal-incense infused mask he wears as well as whomever in his group is on watch to check on him periodically to ensure he still breathes (most often this is either Victoire-Ainsley or Garam). He also snores and coughs due to this. Loudly.

Victoire-Ainsley Caron=Nothing of note.

Isenna Andras=She's an albino and so burns and rashes in intense light and heat. She also has a lame leg that cannot be fixed with magic and so wears a reinforced brace to aid her walk. This creates a noticeable limp.

Garam Kader=Alcohol makes him sick and he suffered from intense gender dysphoria before paying a huge sum to have an ex-Tevinter magister turned fellow Warden help him transition.

(Hawkes)

Jasper, Skye, and Violet Hawke are perfectly healthy. Albeit with some diet restrictions due to various allergies.

Gray Hawke=He is diabetic and so often has to monitor his energy levels to ensure his health. It's part of the reason he doesn't actively endanger his life like his siblings (not that he won't, just less often in comparison). He acquires a truly impressive diet regime and treatment plan upon becoming a nobleman of the Amell family, allowing him much more freedom than before.

(Marquises)

Aurore and Marcel de Serault both suffer from mild hemophilia. Marcel also has a lyrium drug addiction he is trying to break (and is actually doing quite well via weaning himself off it) due to a brief stint as a Templar while serving the Chantry.

(Inquisitors)

Armashok Adaar=Poor eyesight that cannot be fully corrected by glasses and later loses an arm due to the Anchor. He also lost a few fingers and some right hand mobility due to pre-nquisition injuries as a mercenary. He also wears a brace on his left shoulder. He wears a prosthetic eye and replacement arm.

Ransley Trevelyan=Like Cullen, he is working on breaking his own lyrium addiction from his time as a Templar and, like the other Inquisitors, loses his arm due to the Anchor. He had it replaced with a prosthetic arm for his shield side.

Paeriel Lavellan=She loses an arm alongside all the other Inquisitors, but takes the loss much harsher due to her archery skills suffering. While she will wear a prosthesis in battle or when hunting, she doesn't wear it in her day-to-day life, instead preferring to make due as needed. She also has anxiety.

Naranka Cadash=She loses her Anchor-wielding arm and gains a crossbow-and-dagger prosthetic one courtesy of her Inner Circle, much to her delight. She also suffers from some damage to her reproductive tract due to past injuries and is uncertain if she could have children.

(Inner Circle)

Kara Adaar=Beyond an intense hatred of slavery due to being kidnapped and almost sold when she was younger before being rescued by her father, she's perfectly healthy. She does require bedrest for her periods though.

Emilyse Trevelyan=She suffers from some PTSD from her abuse at Templar hands in the Circle, though she begins to recover towards the end of Inquisition.

Samrel Lavellan=Has dyslexia and uses reading aids and memory devices.

Pyrmar Cadash=He might have some PTSD from his Carta days due to a notable cave-in that lasted for a few days before his rescue.

[thesagedahlia]

🦀 Cancer Season (June 21st-July 22nd) ♋

🌊

There is a rebirthing or awakening trying to happen, but some pain/grief need(s) to be balanced out. Bad investments or commitments may have been prolonged for some, while others may be taking some time off before someone can adapt to stable environment. Some may be impatient in healing from what has caused a pattern of defensive mechanisms in an effort to cope with one's obsessive paranoia (this can also point to hopelessness or mental health issues). The key is for this hurt to be communicated in order to be resolved. It may be a lot on someone's plate to be in conflict with themselves or others, & it has caused uncontrolled outbursts with either side. Some may be dealing with people who are naturally gossips, conveys information for personal gain, or spreads fear & falsehood. Either this is approaching you or someone in your environment, there is a need to be intuitively inclined in order to get out of one's head for some, while others make their way out of conflict or struggle. There may be a lack of focus or scattered energy that is delaying development in the intuition, which may come up as the focus for some. Meditation can help to calm the mind & can keep one's attention in the right place, even though there are a bunch of distractions trying to redirect you. Some may be receiving synchronicities or subconscious/intuitive hits that is helping to have a more positive/optimistic outlook past fear & anxiety. The call your soul is trying to answer is being drowned out by all the outside noise & disharmony, & one's blocked intuition is contributing to their lack of dedication in some area(s). Jump into the unknown & say yes to the changes that are presenting themselves before you, because they could be staring you in the face before it is even realized.

🔮 Crystal for 🌊 signs

Selenite. Clear your path to enlightenment.

🦀

It may be some deceptive or treacherous territory where there is an environment/situation that may be less than favorable. This can be causing a volatile energy that has pent itself up for someone that may be feeling some kind of loss or negativity, & there may be, or has been, a build up to the point of excessive rage. You may be dealing with people who are united by anger or with general conflict that is causing worry, & surrounding natural forces may be causing more harm than good; whether they're within your control or not. You have the ability to merge your passion with your budding intuition, & create what has been in your mind, body, & soul to create. It may be hard to bring the focus back onto what needs that attention, because there is a need for some to retreat into oneself for spiritual or recovery reasons in order to channel the energy that has been rampant up to this point. To stray from impulsiveness is to be able to control your inner workings, & sometimes that can come with a rocky transition. Stability can be achieved, but there has to be an opportunity to rebuild from letting go. You need to bring balance to your situation & its outcome, as things have been in a more complex manner than what was necessary. This may be a matter of getting in touch with yourself & how the energy around you makes you feel.

🦂

Someone is seeming to have their guard up when it comes to other people, where someone may feel the need to only interact with those closest to them. There may be a resistance as it pertains to change because of fear of repeating cycles, but there is some needing to build from the ground up, whether it be relating to a project, a business, or a relationship. It may be too much stress to come with exchanging energy with other people (or for some, material/tangible resources rather than energy) even with those that may be friends or family. This may be due to not being open to meeting (new) people or needing to get out of an energy of being too introverted for some, or others may be too attached to what they're used to as it pertains to who they spend time on. Someone may need to listen to themselves & their intuition about people who are disloyal, impulsive, or overbearing, because sometimes they can be the most persistent. Stability is important, especially when you are being present in the world, so taking care of yourself after being in the public can help to see things from a more optimistic standpoint for the long term; "after public" cleansing may be a routine to invest in. Someone may be held back due to a lack of commitment to achieve stability, or there is a lack of seriousness, direction, or an inability to progress, & this may be coming up to examine (whether it be you or someone else experiencing this that you're aware of), this can also be referring to recklessness of one's action.

🐡

There may be someone here who may be too generous to the point of allowing themselves to manipulate a a situation. There may be elements of control at play here regarding an individual, where negative patterns are being repeated with no letting go of the old & outdated. There could be a relationship/connection that is codependent or deceptive, & someone may be emotionally controlling over another person that is keeping someone in a depressive, sad, or negative state (decide who you are from this point). There may be an inability to move forward because Person A may be defending themselves over a combative front (Person B), so the only solution in order to restore balance is to cope & adapt. The way p-A has morphed into a situation has caused repressed pain & it caused a self-protection demeanor. P-A may be awaiting clarity on partaking in new initiatives regarding more stable situations. If there is emotional confusion about what is & what isn't, p-B may be holding onto past situations in an effort to keep authority over the relationship. Swift change can only happen when there is a confident & stable stance in shooting for abundance. Some may be having a reality check about what has been lacking security, while others are expressing their emotional burdens that may have been caused by taking on too much.

🔥

There feels to be a desire for spiritual growth & this may be coming up as a need to focus on inner child healing. For some, it is a transitional period to overcome some obstacles regarding some abuse of power or lack of discipline or control. It may be hard to be expressive when involved in power struggles (whether internally or externally) & it may be some sort of confusion when it comes to making the right choices or decisions in the manner of liberating oneself. The focus may be to free yourself (or others) from outmoded beliefs or traditions or to release negative thought patterns. Your energy here is coming up strong as you deal with deception or trickery, & you aren't letting too much stress or anxieties to distract or distress you. You seen perfection in your world, even if it isn't close to what you would consider to be "perfect", so why not strive toward it? Impulsive choices can be easily made if there is no structure or focus, but there is a potential to bring stability through rethinking one's approach or to discover the warning signs you may have been ignoring. For those needing to break through your limits, it can be a matter of having too much work on your hands or of pure laziness (or even procrastination), & even the bewildered & bumbling individual can shift into a super-driven worker bee if it were up to our caliber of discipline. Some are coming out of the mental conflict that has been causing delays or setbacks & are taking the actions necessary to theirs journey, while others are coming into this understanding of self-assessment. Someone may be triggered by another person or something specific that may be coming up for focus, & there may be a realization of a deep, penetrative trigger that has been suppressed (some may be awaiting clarity regarding this) which may have been due to lack of growth, or even self-doubt.

🔮 Crystal for 🔥 signs

Honey Calcite. Break through your limits.

🦁

This may be a time for recuperation or introspection after dealing with being in the public (in their community), or self protection may be the focus after having to end cyclic situations. Someone may be called to meditation after dealing with unconventional experiences that may have caused mental anguish. It may have taken a long time to have positive change happen, or even the end of hardships. Some may have overcame adversity after having delt with some painful betrayal or backlash that they have yet to let go of. Progress can happen when a cycle ends, not when things continue to be dormant or stagnant; there needs to be an acknowledgement of these distractions & the desire to break free from what is keeping one stuck. It is probably clear of how overwhelming it may be to deal with conniving or manipulative people, & the emptiness of this situation is allowing it to run its course. There may be a lack of discipline to strive for stability, but the focus needs to be improved & committal. Growth can take place in the same breath as underdevelopment, which they call being a work in progress, & it is especially harder when discouragement sets in. It pays to have faith & to peak though the filter of expectancy, to understand what it means to be hopeful.

🐎

There may be some deliberate progress as someone needs to focus on working for they want, & there may be some self-doubt or paranoia that is plaguing them. Someone's focus could be to let go of regret or fear, but someone may be trapped in their own disillusionment. There is a guard up against anything that is not adding stability into one's life, but they are well aware of the hard work that will need to be put forth in effort. Some may need to recover from some less than pleasant situations that have put a damper on their confidence, or others may be coming to the conclusion(s) that trauma has caused ongoing cycles of pain & loss in their life. Things could be taking a long time to happen for someone or they could be experiencing delays, which is putting them on edge or is adding to their paranoia. Some of you may have to progress through the paranoia & the hesitancy in order to gain insight, positive change, & stability. There is a possibility for sunshine AFTER the rain, but a blocked intuition can only prolong the confusion of where to focus your energy; for some, it needs to be focused onto what is causing blocks. Someone is more than capable of achieving success, but there is a need to rise above a traumatic reality.

🐏

Someone may have a lot of energy & passion that needs to be channeled into stability but there is a need to rush at it. There is a fierceness that is instilling motivation in charging forward to one's goals, but there is also an impulsiveness that can't be ignored. This may be coming up for focus for some, while others are stagnant from inability to contain their own personal control/power. There is a hesitancy or lack of initiative to actually work through any creative blocks due to self esteem issues, which is causing someone to be ungrounded. The adherence to set forms of action can either be constructive or destructive, but the soul is calling for the discovery or overcoming of obstacles to the expression of the true self. It is important to understand what will need to be brought from under the surface into view, & there may be lack of clarity of what commitments will be bad for someone's growth/mental health (major focus here too). A reality check is needed for someone who is lacking purpose or avoiding issues/disarray, & the reason for this could be because of lacking self awareness as well as a general confusion/obscurity. There needs to be a clear understanding of what is bringing conflict with someone's goals to the point where it is causing delays, & for some it is a deep rooted struggle/discouragement that needs observance.

🌍

Relationships are at the forefront of someone's focus, as indecisions come up into question about partnerships. A situation that has been resisting a change or has experienced disruption/delays is needing to have a choice about reconciliation. This situation is being healed behind the scenes, & there is a building need to reinvest in a loss. Stress & hesitation is coming into play here as it seems this loss could be the source to much pain/heartache. It may be alot on your mind about this connection/situation & it is causing overwhelm around this decision, but there is the underlying need to focus on restoring control/stability. This situation that someone is holding onto is of the past, & for some this could be related to childhood memories/wounds. Growth can't persist if there is no letting go of trauma, & will no letting go of trauma comes no healing. You can't feel frustrated or impatient to achieve what you want to have, which collectively is coming up as love (take what resonates),& are exhibiting a scarcity mindset, when you don't apply the notions & the actions of actually getting there. The inklings & hints are there, though it is up to you to pick up on them in your time to yourself; also success is to be achieved through patience in this situation. Your reality has become what of some negative attractions that have gravitated, & the universe will react accordingly (cause & effect). For some, this has led to great sadness of the stagnancy they feel for hoarding these memories/traumas, while others have been feeling it this way yet have chosen to be numb to it. This is about inner child work being the focus this season, which is very appropriate considering it to be Cancerian to speak on family & one's childhood/upbringing. There's an imbalance on the scale of what you're putting your time, energy & emotions into, which is steering your path away from what you feel in your soul to be what you want out of life. You want to be more visible & seen in the world, & this is your higher self calling out to you; embody all if who you truly are & allow yourself to be seen.

🔮 Crystal for 🌍 signs

Chrysoprase. Grow from your heart out.

👰🏾

Someone is feeling a lack of clarity, or confusion, in regards to where to invest (whether that be energetically, monetarily, or materially speaking), & they are struggling to make a decision. There may be some fear of change or of making the wrong decision, which may be causing negligence of a situation. For someone, there is no letting go of negative cycles, patterns, or behaviors, which is causing stagnant relationships or connections. It is causing an imprisoning state of being due to the inability to progress in a treacherous environment. Someone is allowing themselves to be in difficult circumstances because they are ungrounded or unstable themselves. Things are bound to come to a crashing end, & it will be by way of emotional immaturity, vindictiveness, or a childish attitude. Defenses/initiatives need to be established against those who don't have your best interests at heart, but there also has to be awareness of this in order to create a strategy. You need to be in a state where you can catch the signs coming to you, but there first needs to be focus on the self. Someone could be dealing with one person or a group of people, & this can very well be directly referring to a work environment, even a(n) (old) friend or friend circle. There is a need for caution & discernment when dealing with these people; there would be one-sided distribution/reciprocation & the source of major stress/exhaustion.

🐐

This may be a time where it is realized that just as easily as success can be attained, it can also be taken away just as easily, if not easiER. Sometimes we have to take great care of what crops we decide to focus on, because we can overwhelm ourselves for too much. You may be tapped into a knowing of what is needed to gain prosperity in whatever areas are of focus, but it is now about how to morally maintain a good balance/standing in your own growth/awakening. There needs to be structure & development of the intuition, but the block is healing from the cycles that have kept someone emotionally/mentally stagnant. There is a need to have more mature relationships with other people, even within the family, & needing to find one's own individual success & fulfillment. The outside influences in this case are only a mere distraction to the ultimate goal (to grow) & should not be the sole focus for your foundation. There is manifestation energy here & it is strong within someone, but even if that's the case it doesn't guarantee that what will be manifested will be of one's greater good (if they are out of touch with this their higher self/inner child). If there is another person that wants to be pursued, the decision to make that move is through the energy of guilt & regret of a loss, to which the burdens of this need to be dealt with. There may be some sadness that someone has been resisting to allow to come to the surface, & that could be due to a lack of development in a certain area. Emotionally speaking, someone may need to be able to stabilize their inner currents & merge with them I order to find determination in your lessons.

🐂

There seems to be confusion & mental strain in regards to a partnership that someone may be having obsessive emotions over a connection or a person (there is a spectrum of "obsessive" where it can be in less extreme cases). Someone is still holding on because they feel there was a lack of closure that needs to be addressed. This can be someone who is sneaky or betraying in some way & rising above it is becoming somewhat of a challenge. In their isolation, someone is discouraged about dealing with a choice in reconciliation with a situation that was short lived, or reconciliation with the higher self. This is the tale of the Phoenix rising from the ashes, yet there is a need emerge from the darkness. Total destruction of what isn't working is the breakthrough that will proceed with happiness & harmony in your own life, but the choice to want this for yourself needs to be made. Someone's enthusiasm & focus is coming into question as they start to receive clarity about themselves & others. There may be a need to focus & examine the loss that is felt in an effort to release from what is blocking one's growth. For some this has been realized but there is a lack of discipline or goals to expand from. You may need to be able to emotionally adapt after needing to reevaluate your relationships (of any kind) or the people you may have around, & the first step to clarity is reaching an inner balance within the self.

🌬

There is an energy around a loss of something abundant & that creates harmony for someone. There was a belief that there was something better out ther for them than a passionate/creative new opportunity, & for most of you, it was money over a relationship, or something that ended up being financially codependent. At the time, it may have been seen as burdening or as too much responsibility that looked unappealing on paper, so someone felt it better to not put life into it, even if it came across promising at first. There is probably a lack of clarity in what is needed for someone's inner balance for a creative endeavor, & a decision to communicate this is weighing heavily on someone's thoughts & feelings. You may be coming to realize that the only way to having peace in your actions is by surrendering your power of choice to the Divine with complete trust, rather than giving your willpower to an external authority out of fear of making your own choices. There is a lack of direction in someone's goal, yet a substantial amount of passion & energy to get things started; compassion is needed when dealing with situations out of your control. A lot of this will have to do with removal from toxic situations or past wounding that can allow your growth to be stunted. It may be time for personal evolution through healing & allowing yourself to return to a natural state of peace once again. Someone may also be too stuck in the past or too focused on the future, with is creating a block/stagnation. Some may be a slave to their circumstances or situations, whether there be related to family, relationships, the workplace, or in general life, which can be contributing to their 'intuitive fog'. Signs & synchronicities are coming through for interpretation, but you need to be open to receiving them. You should trust the path that is before you, or the one that is calling for your redirection. What would you do if you knew you would be supported, would you take the leap or continue to hang back? This season is asking for introspection with your approach to these unpredictable situations, & keeping the buzz of positivity even in the face of uncertainty.

🌬

🔮 Crystal for 🌬 signs

Hiddenite. Claim your happy place.

⚖

It is easy to let things go with the flow if that balance has been established, but the cycles that are being faced is in order to learn the lesson of one's capacity for giving & receiving love. Someone is needing to express more affection for either one's soul calling/purpose or another person that has an emotional impact in their life/growth. For some, a call to action is coming up for focus, & it is based on who they are & their place in the world, while others are on a journey of assertion of self or discovery of the true self. Cyclic/orderly change or returns to the beginning after a cycle is complete in a way is allowing the overcoming of obstacles to true self expression. For some, there is this attention to imaginings beyond possibility when it came to material/financial gain, while others felt the jolt of shattered dreams after the presence of all material possibilities showed its hand; someone could have gone from soaring wealth to crushing poverty. At this time, you're tapping into your potential, which holds to the realm of love, beauty, pleasure & success, as concern for purity of devotion helps to shield you from people with tendencies to be arrogant or who hold to the realm power, strength & magnetism (generally of, but not limited to, a sexual nature). Be sure not to contradict your thoughts/feelings from your actions, as you are able to uncover hidden motives or aspects of the situation at hand & steer away from rapid actions off of impulse.

🤖

There is a sense of having to have their boundaries established against a controlling or chaotic force that threatens to keep someone stagnant, even if there is potential to make big decisions concerning someone's livelihood or general life plans/goals. There is also an energy of feeling codependent in a relationship for money, or only dealing with a certain person because they have/need money. This codependent person is an underachiever who has a certain thirst for power over love, & their only focus can be regarding status (a very greedy person in someone's energy field). This can also be an unfaithful, manipulative, or demanding person who holds within them insecurity, jealousy, & straight up anger or aggression. A divine connection can be at the forefront of something focus, past this 'karmic' person, & there is an awakening happening for someone who is out of touch with their consciousness or has a repressed intuition. The 'karmic' is putting a lot of their conniving spirit into them getting their way at all costs, but someone is needing to make a decision about leaving this energy behind. There is a fresh start happening, & it is allowing someone forgiveness of one's own actions or a life changing transformation initiates a rebirth. Someone's independence is coming into question as it may have taken someone a while before the dukly walked away from someone/a situation. As this time is a good time to feel their way to their next steps, someone's growth/development will be taking a more cerebral turn.

🎭

There is some conflict or disharmony that is surrounding someone's inner nature, & it is causing an emotional coldness that is creating an excess of an ego bound to rock the boat. Someone may be forced to take time out to rest or to be away from others, as there may have been a lack of enthusiasm or productivity when it comes to entering a new phase in their life. A transformation has to happen in order to point out negative patterns that are responsible for missed opportunities, or that shifts one's focus onto something positive. Someone is needi.g go take the time to shed the old ways of being/feeling that has created further instability, & for some this could be closely related to family dysfunction that has had a negative effect on someone's behavior. It may be a restriction from what can be achieved through hard work & dedication, but the process may be going really slow. There is a hidden passion & drive that has not yet been tapped into yet, & whatever it is that will need focus is regarding a creative project/endeavor. There is movement that is being blocked at this time due to the need of balance/direction, because the execution of one's goals may be off course of the actual inspiration, or the purpose behind it may be misconstrued. It may take.a lot of your energy to bring stability & illumination to the surface, but it will be worth it when one learns how to not get in their own way. Contemplation can help to understand what is next for you, or it can at least give you insight or where your focus should be.

*this reading is intended for entertainment purposes only, energy is fluid not linear, roles are interchangeable, this can either be happening to you directly, or someone your connecting with (family, friends, etc.) take what resonates, leave the rest*

[the-desolated-quill]

If You Don’t Like My Story, Write Your Own - Watchmen (TV Series) blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. if you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

If You Don’t Like My Story, Write Your Own feels like a tale of two episodes. One has well written characters, emotive storytelling and exciting possibilities, whereas the other contains ham-fisted, painfully obvious subtext and annoyingly long infodumps told to the audience with all the grace and subtlety of a brick to the face. 

Let’s start with the positives. At the beginning of the episode, we’re introduced to the character of Lady Trieu, played by Hong Chau, who buys a farmhouse from an Oklahoma couple by offering them a genetically engineered baby. I love this scene so much. It’s by far the most tightly written and engaging scene so far this series, and serves as a perfect introduction to a genuinely interesting character.

Lady Trieu is a Vietnamese born trillionaire industrialist who absorbed Adrian Veidt’s company after his disappearance and seems to take heavy inspiration from him, even going so far as to have a gold statue of him in her complex. It’s unclear whether she knows about his involvement with the squid (how could she possibly know?), but she clearly shares his vision of making the world better. 

Or... does she?

That’s precisely what I love about this character. Trieu is clearly the secret mastermind behind whatever is going on here (more on that later) and it would have been easy to just simply have her be a carbon copy of Veidt, but she isn’t. There’s a subtle, but clear distinction between the two. In my review of Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, I talked about the paradox of a liberal capitalist and how it’s often not enough for Ozymandias to simply save the world. He needs to be seen to be saving the world. He wants something with spectacle in order to appeal to his own vanity. This is true of Trieu as well, except, despite all his flaws, Ozymandias clearly at least wanted to help people, albeit in an incredibly flashy way for his own aggrandisement. Trieu doesn’t even want that. She just wants the attention and the good will. 

The opening scene is a perfect illustration of this. Giving that married couple their own DIY baby was one thing, but all the crap with the hourglass and the silly monologue and everything, there was no need for any of that. And lets not forget, she didn’t give this couple a baby out of the goodness of her heart. She did it solely because she wanted their land so she could claim a fallen object from space. The same is true of this Millennium Clock she’s building. I’m pretty sure its purpose isn’t just to tell the time, but that’s not the point. It’s described by her daughter as not the Eighth Wonder of the World, but rather as the First Wonder of the New World. Plus, of course, she is a trillionaire. If she just handed out even a small portion of her vast wealth, it would make a huge difference, but then there would be nothing in it for her. Nothing to gain. Unlike Veidt, Trieu is a character driven by pure cynicism. She has no interest in saving the world, but rather the attention and adoration of the world around her. She wants the world and the people around her to rely on her to save them. Basically if Ozymandias is an altruist tempered with narcissism, then Lady Trieu is a narcissist tempered with altruism. It’s a beautifully realised character and one I’m most excited to see more of in the episodes to come.

I also like the connection she has with Angela. Both were born and raised in Vietnam, except Trieu’s mother was a native to Vietnam before the US invaded and absorbed the country, turning it into the fifty first state. This puts Angela in an interesting position. Being an African American, her family obviously has history of being the victims of colonial oppression, but in this alternate history where Vietnam is part of America, Angela is also now in the role as one of the colonial oppressors. A settler in a country stolen and plundered from the natives. It’s an interesting position for her character to be in and I’m very curious to see where the show takes this.

After taking a backseat in the previous episode, Angela mercifully gets to take the lead again this time around and she’s great. With the FBI breathing down her neck, Angela continues to get to the bottom of the mystery involving her grandfather, the murder of Judd Crawford, and the Seventh Kavalry, and I really like where this is taking her character. She privately confides in Wade about what she has learned, even asking him to hide Judd’s Klan robe. This is the kind of character stuff I wanted to see in the previous episode during the funeral. How do you react to the knowledge that one of your closest friends was a hateful bigot? And from the looks of things, it seems as though Angela is doing her level best to protect Judd’s memory, at least until she gets to the bottom of what the fuck is going on here. I love this because it feels totally believable.There’s still a part of her that doesn’t want to accept Judd’s racist ties to white supremacy and clinging onto the idea that he might be misunderstood or that there’s something else going on underneath. This is an excellent internal conflict that has so far been handled exceptionally well. You don’t think less of Angela for not wanting to accept the truth because it’s totally understandable and believable.

Also I just want to briefly talk about what we learn about Wade, aka Looking Glass, in this episode. The man’s a doomsday prepper, living in a bunker in his back garden, preparing for another squid attack. I LOVE this so much. It makes total sense in the context of Watchmen and, like with Lady Trieu, it serves as a really nice inversion of an existing character. Like Rorschach, Looking Glass is a paranoid conspiracy nut, but unlike Rorschach, there’s actually some truth and logic behind his paranoia. Again, it’s a subtle distinction, but it’s enough to allow the character to go off in his own direction.

Here’s the thing. The bits I like about this episode, I really like. Unfortunately the bits I don’t like, I really don’t like.

Let’s begin with Laurie. What is she even doing here? Not only is she so utterly divorced from the character in the graphic novel, she doesn’t even contribute anything meaningful to the plot, other than to bicker constantly with Angela (which, considering this is the first time in Watchmen that we’ve had two female characters together interacting with each other, it feels immensely disappointing that this is the best the writers can come up with) or to spout gratuitous fanwank and pop psychology. The pop psychology in particular irritates me because it simply doesn’t gel with the tone and themes of Watchmen. I’m really hoping all that stuff about trauma and wearing a mask to hide the pain doesn’t in fact apply to Sister Night, otherwise I’m going to be extremely annoyed. Not only is that cliched beyond belief, it also stands directly against the whole point of Watchmen as a concept. Alan Moore’s intent was to scrutinise the reasons behind why someone would put a costume on and fight crime. Some just want the attention, others want to compensate for their own inadequacies, and some just want to live out their own violent, hedonistic fantasies. Only Rorschach fits the trauma model proposed by Laurie, and even then it’s not really accurate. Rorschach uses his trauma more as an excuse than a motivation. Watchmen serves as a deconstruction and criticism of superhero archetypes, so to potentially give Sister Night an obligatory tragic backstory would feel like a grave disservice to the source material.

The pop psychology also represents another problem this episode has. It seems to spend an awful lot of time telling its audience about its themes and commentaries rather than just showing them. One of the things I loved so much about the second episode was that it respected the audience’s intelligence. The connections it was making between the police and mob psychology, the superhero genre and its roots in US propaganda, and the KKK and the moral absolutism of most comic book heroes were apparent in the episode’s visual language and symbolism. It didn’t try to highlight them in fifty foot high neon lettering, instead trusting the audience to make the connections themselves. Here, however, completely the opposite. At numerous points, it feels as though the episode is sitting me down like a naughty school child and straight up telling me the plot, rather than trust that I’m a grown man who is perfectly capable of following this by himself, I pinky promise.

Take the whole subplot with Adrian Veidt for example. By watching the previous episodes, you can deduce that he’s trapped in a prison of his own making and is trying to escape (although admittedly it turns out that the clones aren’t in fact his creations, which is a pity because I think that’s less interesting, but still). Awesome idea. Love it. But showrunner Damon Lindelof is clearly worried that the idiots sitting at the back of the class didn’t get this, so Adrian spends his limited screen time here just explaining his subplot to the audience. It’s really annoying.

Or what about the Millennium Clock? The Seventh Cavalry are clearly in league with Trieu for some unknown reason, and in their video message to the police in the first episode, they say ‘tick, tock’ a lot, which is clearly a reference to the Clock. All a bit goofy, granted, but do you know what’s even goofier? Will getting up out of his wheelchair, staring dramatically into camera and saying ‘tick, tock’ for no fucking reason whatsoever other than to spell out the connection for the slow people in the audience who didn’t make the link. Dude, I promise you, we are following this. It was just pointless. But not nearly as pointless as...

Good God, do I hate Lube Man!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against there being humour in Watchmen. The original graphic novel had moments of dark humour, but there’s a time and a place. It just feels weird and kooky just for the sake of being weird and kooky. And again, it serves as a less than subtle reminder to the audience of the themes of the show. The police are abusing their powers and letting smaller crimes fall by the wayside, but rather than let that come up naturally in the story, we get a random excerpt from the Silver Slider here. All I can say is Lube Man had better play a vital role in the episodes to come, otherwise I’ll be pissed.

See, when Good Lindelof is writing the scripts, I’m enjoying this show immensely. When Bad Lindelof takes a turn at the keyboard, however, that’s when I start to get worried. 

[artaphant]

My ranking of the heart size of the Undersiders

Because nobody asked but I want it. Criteria involves their loyalty, caring for others' wellbeing as well as how deep that caring can go. It’s a long post enjoy

1-Aisha/Imp- I already made a bit of a rant on this, including her trust in Alec, (which I think would have had a big impact on his behavior in breaking this "Everyone thinks I'm a piece of shit so Imma act like one" kind of mentality he had.) Basically becoming the den mom to the Heartbroken. Also this was Kehpri's voice of reason, praying her ability would keep her out of Taylor’s control and still hear the words to ground her. She cares so much about the ‘monsters’ and saw the humanity and I am so glad that these people have proven worthy of that love. Fearmongering aside she is the nicest of the Undersiders. Sure, the ramped up paranoia caused by an invisible person fucking up with everything might be awful, but she could kill you. Instead she dangles you over a pit of spikes and has her friend leave a command to sing “I’m a little teapot” in your brain. And before she had the Heartbroken she was making creepy notes and sowing paranoia rather than death.

2- Rachel/Bitch- Yeah she doesn't relate to people well and comes off badly but her heart is in such a good place. She got dealt a bad hand with the foster homes and her powers but never lost faith in humanity and kept her heart open to her friends and friends of those friends. If her power had given her control of the dogs things would probably go very differently for Rachel. If she doesn’t become a hero of some kind in Ward I will be sad because she is a very good person in a very weird way. She definitely isn’t Protectorate material, but she doesn’t really deserve the villain role- none of the Undersiders really do but I digress. I love this Bitch.

2.5- Parian/Sabah- She has a partial number because she is a partial member. We never get to learn who the members of Dolltown are to Sabah but I hope those people understand how much this woman cared for them and how hard she tried to keep them safe and how she sacrificed some of her own morals to protect them. Definitely deserves herodom though she would rather just go back to fashion.

3-  Regent/Alec- Part of me wanted to put him lower because of my own personal feeling about rapists, but he really does have a pretty big heart. He did give up his life for Imp, proved himself worthy of her trust and never once fucked over the Undersiders when he really could have. His string of serial rape and disgusting take-over-body shit will be kind of chalked up to trauma. Heartbreaker’s abuse took away a lot of his heart, and gave him a very fucked up relationship with people and his power. Using it on a person involved creating a connection- it took him time with the person to take over them. Almost every time that connection was made, he was hated and became a monster in that person’s eyes.To Heartbreaker, to every person he has connected with and knows of his powers, he’s a monster- eventually Alec just leaned into this like it was a truth about himself. His last words "Fuck it" had more to do with this attempt at keeping a persona of a monster of a human than anything else. Truly he was saying “Fuck it, I care about Aisha. Fuck being a heartless monster.”

3.5- Foil/Lily- Loving Sabah and becoming Foil made her heart grow three times its size. This girl left her family and most friends in New York behind in order to get ahead as Flechette, to start a career as a hero. Image and popularity seemed more important really than helping or caring about people. Then everything changed when Sabah threatened to attack her and never talk to her again if Lily mistreated her. Ah, to be in love and to let that love spread to others.

4- Tattletale/Lisa- There is a special kind of caring with Tattletale, the woman who can find every secret. To overlook Taylor's betrayals and still care about her wellbeing, and want to bring her back into the group. To see past Heartbreaker’s son, who could take over any of their bodies and would probably have a hell of a time with it. And maybe her power helped her see the hidden good in her teammates as much as she could see the hidden bad but she still never let it make her bitter or hateful.

5- Grue/Brian- This man gave his whole ass heart to Aisha and just never learned how to expand it to anyone else. Sure he kept the team going and made effort to keep them safe, more out self-preservation than legit caring. If the team stayed alive, he stayed alive and he can stay with Aisha.The man didn't even have love for Taylor- though it may have to do with her own small heartedness. And that the chemistry was a bit eh to me.

6- Skitter/Taylor- I feel like some people might think ‘what the hell is Taylor doing sitting on the bottom of this list, she’s such a good person???’ Taylor is such a wonderfully complex character and I debated on her position but here is the fascinating thing about Taylor. She is a ruthlessly good person. Yeah it sounds weird but hear me out. Taylor has the strongest moral code of the Undersiders, probably of the entire Worm universe. There is not a person in the world that could stop her from what she thinks is the ‘right’ thing. The reason she was able to hop around villain/hero sides is because she wasn’t loyal to people. She was loyal to her morals and those morals fit a vast variety of people. Skitter sort of took out her heart so she could protect the world and ignore the individuals. Taylor didn’t care a huge amount about Dinah- Coil having her as a drugged up prisoner was wrong and she would not stand for it. Taylor’s love for Brian is a weird thing. It has a very high school romance feel to me and very much a ‘love what I see of this person, not what he really is’- as evidenced by Taylor’s non-relationship with Aisha, who is Brian’s whole world. And she left him, ditched Brian to follow her moral code and turn herself in and become a hero. She trusted her teammates, her father, her friends, everyone like she trusted her spiders to spin her silk and cared just as much for both. 

[lavampira]

2, 3, 14 for Ana Maite and Seline? c:

of course!! ty :’)

2. their emotional / moral weak spots

the biggest weak spot for ana maite is anything to do with family and other loved ones. she has a complex about her sister “abandoning” her by defecting to the republic, so she refuses to let jaesa turn dark because she reminds her of aurena, and she also tends to treat jaesa and vette like little sisters. she eventually forgives and reconciles with quinn, even though he betrayed her in the worst possible way. and when she becomes a mother, she starts seeing things in a different perspective, and it makes her understand and accept how senya is about her own children.

seline is steadfast and dedicated about getting her mission done in the most precise manner, but she’s more willing to let things slide when kaliyo is involved. and after she regains control of herself, her methods and morals change; she’s less willing to “do whatever it takes” if it hinders someone else’s autonomy.

3. scars or painful spots

ana maite got a scar over her right eye at some point while she was still at the sith academy. she has other minor scars from various battles, but nothing else too noticeable other than a sharp line on her abdomen that sits right below where her chestplate rests from her fight with quinn on the transponder station. as she ages, she starts to ache more in her joints, considering how much active combat she’s been involved and how much stress on her ligaments that her fighting methods puts on her.

seline got a deep scar on her chin from a training accident. other than that, she doesn’t have too many other scars aside from little nicks here and there, and maybe a stab wound on one of her thighs. she also gets migraines as a side effect of the serums used on her and to break the castellan restraints.

14. ingrained habits / forces of habit

growing up in a powerful line of sith and training at the academy meant that ana maite was taught to be cautious of anyone and everyone being out to kill her — she’s wary about accepting food or drinks from others, she tries to avoid walking into any situation outnumbered or without allies, and she always keeps her lightsabers on her.

partially due to her training, and partially because of her trauma-induced paranoia, seline has a habit of keeping track of every person and item in each room she enters, scanning for possible exits, and not lingering near windows. she also trains herself to monitor her own REM cycles so that she’s never in a deep sleep for very long. and when she does sleep, she keeps the door locked, only ever allowing kaliyo in the room when she’s unconscious.

send an oc + a number

[deadmomjokes]

I know you aren't a counselor, but you do know a lot, so I was wondering: what are symptoms of PTSD? Also, how do you know if someone is a narcissist?

Well, PTSD is a bit of an easier question, but it’s still not easy to answer. There are a lot of different symptoms that can be related to it, and it’s a complex disorder, but the simplest definition is from NIMH. I’d highly recommend going to that page. But the summary is: a combination of re-experiencing symptoms, avoidance symptoms, arousal/reactivity symptoms, and cognition/mood symptoms as the result of a traumatic event.

Re-experiencing symptoms are the classic “flashbacks” of PTSD. It doesn’t mean necessarily seeing the event happen over and over (tho that can happen), but can include being unable to stop thinking about it, and having physical response as though you were in that same event again. Re-experiencing can also involve bad dreams/nightmares.

Avoidance symptoms are just what they sound like–you avoid places, things, situations, thoughts, or conversations that remind you of the event. For instance, someone who was in a car accident may avoid getting in a car, or driving. If you watched someone pass away, you may avoid the place where it happened, or places similar (ie, a hospital).

Arousal/reactivity symptoms are things like being “constantly on edge,” being easily startled, problems sleeping, angry outbursts, and being unable to concentrate.

Cognition/mood symptoms usually overlap with depression and can include negative self-perception, irrational blame, and lack of interest or pleasure in things, as well as emotional numbness and trouble remembering details of the trauma.

PTSD starts after a traumatic event, which doesn’t necessarily mean a near-death experience; it could be after the death of a loved one, or seeing some other person get hurt/killed. But most often it is a dangerous situation that happened to you, like a rape/assault, an accident in which you were injured, or living through a natural disaster. From the American Psychiatric Association: “A diagnosis of PTSD requires exposure to an upsetting traumatic event. However, exposure could be indirect rather than first hand. For example, PTSD could occur in an individual learning about the violent death of a close family member. It can also occur as a result of repeated exposure to horrible details of trauma such as police officers exposed to details of child abuse cases.”

Situational anxiety can have similar symptoms to PTSD, but is not the same disorder; it could be that because you had bad past experiences with school (mean teachers, bullies, and difficulty in course work), going to school now gives you anxiety. Maybe you were extremely poor growing up, so now you have crippling anxiety centered around money, like you get panic attacks when shopping or you may routinely fear becoming homeless even though you’re doing okay. Or you had a rocky, angry relationship with another person and now being around them triggers your anxiety. These are not PTSD, as there was no traumatic event to trigger it, but it is a chronic stress and anxiety related problem, one which can be debilitating and needs to be dealt with in conjunction with professional help, or else avoidance/anxiety may become your norm. Which, needless to say, is not healthy.

Now, for narcissism. We use the term narcissist a lot, and very loosely in common speech to convey someone who thinks so highly of themselves that others become lesser, and are rude to others as a result. But clinical narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which I’ll refer to as NPD) is much different. People with NPD do consider themselves better than others, but it goes much beyond being rude. Here is a link that I once again highly recommend reading on the subject, that explains it better than I can. Also, halfway down this document is the DSM criteria for a diagnosis of NPD. But here are some traits that you see in NPD, which show what I mean about going beyond just thinking highly of themselves:

Feels like they can only associate with people “worthy” of them (delusions of grandeur); fantasizes excessively about power, beauty, success, etc; sees others in terms of how they can be used to the individuals’ ends; relationships are based on appearances and superficial criteria (aka, how does this person make me look to the world); expect to be recognized as superior and becomes irate when others don’t notice and point out their supposed achievements and brilliance; unable to empathize; believe others envy them (can become paranoia); fragile sense of self worth based on whether other people treat or praise them in the way they feel they deserve; requires constant attention/to be the center of attention; and requires special treatment from everyone (ex, if they aren’t given priority seating at a restaurant, or are forced to wait in line, they may start screaming).

These are not just people thinking they’re cooler than they are. These are crippling, destructive habits that wreak havoc and inflict pain on people who associate with them. And it’s not something you see every day. Overall, true narcissism is extremely rare, less than 1% of the world population (and that’s a generous estimate), and most affected are male.

Given that these two questions were asked together, I would hazard a guess that you may be dealing with a difficult, possibly traumatic event or relationship relating to a person in your life. It is possible for a person with NPD to lash out sufficiently to qualify as a traumatic event, but more likely people who are forced to deal with a narcissist are having situational anxiety, as described above. But again, true narcissists are rare, so it could be that this person, while having narcissistic tendencies, is not clinical.

If you had a serious fight with someone where you feared for your safety, it is possible you have PTSD. However, the more common situation is that this person stressed you out for so long that being around them, thinking about being around them, or having to deal with them made your subconscious associate them with anxiety and stress; aka, they are an anxiety trigger for you now. Neither PTSD nor situational anxiety is good or ideal, and neither is better than the other. If you are suffering with either, I feel for you. But please know that there is assistance, and it doesn’t always have to be like that.

Also, if I’ve totally misread the situation/ask, I’m sorry, and ignore the above 2 paragraphs.

As always, I would recommend speaking with a professional. Even if you don’t have PTSD or clinical anxiety, a counselor or other psychological professional would be in a better place to help you work out whatever it is that’s really going on. A common misconception is that therapy is only for people who have a diagnosed mental illness; therapy is for anyone who is having a hard time dealing with things on their own, or for anyone who wonders if they might have a problem. Many insurance plans will also pay for a certain number of counseling/mental health visits per year, so it may be worth checking out.

Good luck, and I hope this was helpful for you!

[scuttleboat]

So, talk to me about Octavia, what do you see happening to her, what has been your favorite moments from this season so far? Any ideas about about the Blake siblings future?

Okay so you sent this way back in the first half of the season! Many conversations have been had from all the different angles, some I agree with and some not. I think I’ve wrestled with answering this ask because I still don’t really know where her story is going. A lot of my opinions about what has happened so far will yet be shaped by how it resolves. And there’s also a big chance that Octavia v Bloodreina will carry into next season, so I may still not be able to really lay out my thoughts. But I do know that we’ve seen some incredible televsion drama come from Octavia (Marie) this season, and I appreciated that even if I’m still working through how I feel about the storytelling choices around her.

My current thought is about the similarities between what Octavia did as a leader and what other major characters have done. For me the biggest villains of the show are still the Mountain Men, specifically because they live via the pain and death of others without the sacrifice. Wonkru lives via the death of their own, and are very deeply involved in the sacrifice part of it. The whole success of Wonrku is how knowing and participatory it is. A recent thought I was mulling over with Octavia is, well, two thoughts that intertwine…

1. Octavia, more than any other “leaders” on t100 I think except Lexa, was pressured into her position and molded by the people around her. It started with Bellamy and Aurora, became Indra, became Jaha, became Gaia, and finally Abby. Indra makes this explicit in season 5, saying that she and Gaia created Bloodreina as well. The only other leaders on t100 who faced external pressures with that level of intensity and immediacy were the Commanders, and they a) had an A.I. to supplement their mental state, b) never had to face what Wonkru had to face. This is ironic considering how much Octavia has always pursued her right to individual agency. In that pursuit she became trapped, and she still is trapped. Although people like Jaha and Kane thought they had their hands tied on the Ark, they were middle aged adults but the time they took power, not 17 year olds. They didn’t have mentors telling them what to do, and they didn’t have a contextually violent culture as a starting point. Then take characters like Clarke and Bellamy and Monty–for all that they say things like “we had no choice”, they actually had an incredible amount of agency in what they did and why. Clarke and Bellamy didn’t have Indra or Gaia or Kabby standing at their shoulders, coaxing them on when they were pulling levers and making high-risk decisions. I think that diffence in autonomy, small though it may seem, may have helped them survive the experiences emotionally.

2. What I’m thinking about this week is that we had all these characters faced with the same leadership question over and over again (😑), but this is the first time we’ve seen a character broken as a result. Octavia’s mind is broken right now–specifically in the sense that she’s made seemingly irrational choices because of her pain and paranoia. She would not have burned the farm otherwise. That’s the difference really; all of our characters have been close to that collapse at one point, but they’ve been able to make it through. So far, Octavia hasn’t made it through. I hope that she does, but she might not before season 6. I think the reasons for Octavia’s break are pretty apparent, and worthy of sympathy. But if it’s not obvious to someone by now, I’ll do quick hits: she had far worse choices than anyone else so far as a leader, she came into it the least prepared, and she was in it many times longer anyone else. Years longer, during the part of her life when she transitions from youth to adult. And as I said in point #1, Octavia also was explicitly guided and molded into Bloodreina during those times as well. In a way, Bloodreina is all of those mentors combined with Octavia, compressed under incredible pressure and pain.

I don’t know if the other characters like Clarke and Bellamy would have been able to make it six years through that without being broken by it. Clarke was in charge for a few months and it almost broke her after season 2. Her flight to the woods and isolation before season 3 isn’t that far off from what Octavia tried to do in season 4, and probably would have liked to do in the last six years if the whole population hadn’t relied on her as their icon. Bellamy didn’t face the same pressures leading up to MW that Clarke did, but what he went through still haunted him, and his reaction to further trauma was to partition parts of himself in order to operate as a leader in season 3—again, shades of what Octavia would ultimately do as Bloodreina. So we’ve seen some of these tragedies happen to characters before on the show. But nothing of this scale, this depth, this complexity, or this duration.

For me the jury’s still out on whether I like this storyline; it’s certainly emotional, and parts of it are entertaining in a macabre way. I love Bloodreina’s look, and every time she sends a withering stare to Kane I’m like “I feel you girl”. Seeing the emotional depth in her various relationships has been good TV. But ultimately it’s not fun to watch. It’s a lot of ceaseless misery heaped on a character that I care about, in way that is so much more extreme than what the main characters have been used for previously. I’m gonna have a lot of reservations if Octavia dies as Bloodreina–in fact, I think I would pretty ferociously hate that. I would hate that more than bellarke being just friends for the whole show. If the show gives us a girl who is abused and tormented from the moment she’s born, then says that her desire to be autonomous is what brings upon her the worst bad-guy fate of anyone on the show where supposedly there are no good or bad guys… what the fuck. That is on par for me with Thanos being cosmically “rewarded” for abusing and then murdering his daughter. I don’t want “well she went crazy and then she died” to be how Octavia’s character ends. I think that’s shitty and pathetic. It’s beneath this show, tbh. Far beneath. This isn’t Melrin, ffs.

Ultimately, I don’t *think* that will happen. I’m pretty sure it won’t. But that’s why I’m saying I have to reserve my ultimate feelings about this until I see where the season finale takes Octavia, and the Blake siblings. Depending on where they go, I’ll either be intrigued or pissed off. I hope intrigued. There’s some amazing stuff about the darkness in the show and in Bloodreina and I’m not at all opposed to Octavia being used to explore that. But taking the character who’s already had it worse than anyone else and then extra-destroying her mind and soul just to say “whoa, isn’t tragedy cool??” …that would be a low point for the 100. So I hope they don’t end her story on a note like that.

Octavia can never be the same girl that was thrown in the sky box, or the girl Indra took under her wing, or the girl that won the Conclave. That girl is years gone. But I want to see the woman she becomes after Bloodreina.

[autisticmight]

gimme that echoes commentary, bruh

one: i spent the entire time ruminating on past stangsts and which parts hurt you the most. i pushed them as far as i could go. this is your personalised angst

two: the opening paragraphs are just me being very gay about the ocean and open communication. i kind of wanted to get a scale of “hey, this is how big the ocean is. it’s full of unknowable mysteries. if they die out here, nobody will know. also they’re best friends and brothers and they love each other a lot yay”

three: i purposefully avoided dialogue for most of this fic. when you dream, some senses don’t make it through when you’re awake. i often used vague, imprecise descriptions in order to develop a sense of dissociation

four: i like my greek mythology references. i’m kind of very unintentionally pretentious. ford is my equal in that regard

“…as the nightmare goes crawling to the bottle with the metaphors and fears; a simple echo of an echo of a long-gone trauma.”

behold: one of the lines that sum up the fic. i think i meant like boats in a bottle, but that’s the thing about how i like to write. it means a lot

five: if i had the patience and ability to portray it, i would have drawn this as a comic. there’s something like oil pastels that i remember feeling when i wrote this, in buttercup yellow and the peachy-reds of sunsets, and midnight blue against lurid gold

six: mabel’s presence, as usual, is very important to contrast warmth and healthy coping skills, and, for a word i’m a little wary of using, purity, against all of ford’s neuroses.

seven: remember, every metaphor means something more. almost every sentence has at least two more that could extrapolate. these words are zip files. i’m very much avoiding a director’s commentary like this. fuck. lemme try this again

this is a story about addiction, and suicide, and paranoia, and most of the things we can extrapolate about ford’s mental state from gravity falls. those are the content warnings. heed them. this is echoes, and it’s all fex’s fault

i wanted to explore the stan twins’s decision to sail around the world in a tiny boat. i wanted to explore the fears of isolation and the claustrophobia of living so closely to someone you have a complex relationship with

honestly, i mostly wanted to see how melodramatic i could be

this story is mildly dissociative. it takes place in chronological order, but the thing is, time doesn’t feel like it exists when you’re isolated. that’s why the feeling was important. that[’s why it starts off simply; as simply as ford can get, because he’s verbose. i don’t have to hold back on my words when i write him

calling their communication a “dance,” and the lack of elaboration, also kind of sets them up as still not being fully communicative. they talk, but they still have barriers. there’s still a mutual unacknowledged fear of abandonment, that is only amplified by the isolation. there’s nowhere to hide from each other if you get mad and need some time alone. there’s nobody else to mediate. and they both have issues that they refuse to acknowledge

ford’s dreams, though i don’t mention it, seem to take place on a weird combination of my favourite beach, which is just off of a campsite in france called camping la plage, and glass shard beach, where stan and ford grew up, obviously. i’m not sure if there are more pebbles there or sand. his family being mermaids is about their connection to fancifulness, and the ocean, and him being away from them is. him being away from them. he still isolates himself, only he’s isolating himself in his head now

segment one is about love, and belonging, and the lies they tell themselves. it’s about the little things, and the small events, and living in the moment. it’s about the broad openness

segment two is about rocks. i like hag stones. i have quite a few. i love erosion, and how everything fades, and smoothens, and. it’s just really cool. the ocean does cool things. hitting things together, over and over, until they wear away. oh shit, that was the metaphor i was going for with the rocks. see! there were a lot of metaphors that i didn’t remember, because they were layered in the background. that’s how hag stones are formed. erosion that bores a hole through a rock. hit something for long enough, and a hole forms

it’s about the first segment becoming more corrupted. the fear starts to make itself known again, and ford tries to ignore it, and live in happy ignorance. it doesn’t work, of course

mentioning yellow means that bill is present, maybe. this fic was written with the same coin theory in mind, and deconstructing the misled belief that it erases the happy ending. bill’s existence is up for debate. schrodinger’s giant squid, if you will. the thing is, the same coin theory is canon to me. it’s the perfect culmination of both stan and bill’s arcs

then i did icarus references. then i ruined it with sex jokes and references bc i hate any non-platonic relationships between pineses

they mislead each other

the third segment amps up the contrasts. with mabel, as i said before, an element of purity is added. mabel’s morals and beliefs are strong. that’s why she’s pure. she loves her family. mabel’s just. she’s love central. you could say maji love 1000%. her association with yellow isn’t bill, but ford sees bill in it, because he’s seeing bill in everything

ford is unintentionally gaslit by his family because they don’t believe that he has been sleeping, because he is a known sleep hypocrite, so that adds to ford’s lack of trust in the outside world. and that also cuts into the time he has with mabel. it cuts into his time with purity

this segment’s dream involves bill more prominently, but with a little bit of mabel in the soft yarn. the softness also adds to the dissociation. it’s not real

then there’s a puppet metaphor. that’s. that’s pretty obvious

Stanley holds the hag stone to his eye, closing the other eye and laughing in an awful, vaguely familiar way.

“Hey, Sixer, I can still see you!”

this is bill and stan. bill or stan. maybe

the fourth segment is just a little way of contrasting the warmth of hot chocolate established in the previous segments. he pours away the hot chocolate; he throws away his family ties. stan thinks he drank the hot chocolate; stan thinks that ford is still with him

segment five! pattern recognition in the abstract! all these bills keep piling up, and ford can’t stop seeing them. i think he’s having a psychotic episode by this point, but i’m not sure. damn you, past len, for writing your vague dissociation fic in vague dissociative ways!!! i barely have any idea what i was thinking during this part!!!

…your ridiculous dreams that don’t even mean anything past the fact that you’re paranoid and not alone and still aching for the echoes of Bill.

this is just. i guess that usually, when i used the word “echo” or its derivatives, i was summing up the general emotions of the fic at that point

ford drinks fruity liquers, not only because i think that was fex’s headcanon, at least at the time, but also bc he’s a classy boi

the alcoholism themes start here. it’s more about secrets, but it’s also about the lack of control. addiction is, on and off, a special interest of mine, because of reasons

then segment six. it’s a full dream sequence, and it’s mostly just about how stan is also a liar. the mabel in this dream is distant and less real, because, to ford, she is less real. she’s kind of idealised, so for her to be on bill’s side, in ford’s head, kind of strips her of a lot of personality

stan is called “grunkle stan”, because that’s how mabel sees him, and spoke of him, and it’s ford’s frame of reference at that moment

the swig from the memory gun is something i keep forgetting but it’s very abstract. very meaningful or meaningless, depending on your viewpoint. very pretentious. 10/10, past len

the seventh segment, i believe, is the only one that is achronological. it’s just a flashback to jhselbraum, and the fogginess of a shifting brain chemistry, and also that ford feels like a failure for his relapses. it’s his rumination on his past

that segment is the shortest, which is why the last one is the longest

the final segment combines ford’s two places. i hesitate to call them “dreams” and “reality” because, for all intents and purposes, right now, for ford, they’re the same. it starts with bill, and how he enables ford’s self-destructive behaviours, and that ford still loves bill, on some level, even though he hates him, and how e’s scrutinised

he wants to disappear. he wants to die, and he wants to die, on some level, throughout all of the fic. i’m still a little ashamed to say that suicidality never really goes away, even when you think it’s gone for good

bill’s dialogue is intentionally slightly wooden. he gives an evil monologue. he does exposition in a story with little to no exposition. he doesn’t, ironically, fit into the dreamlike airs of the fic. his story has holes that ford doesn’t notice

ford, at this point, is terrified. obviously. he had his happy ending and it’s all gone. bill is poking at all of his insecurities. then he’s abruptly with stan, who is stan. he’s in the stanley body. he’s himself. but because of same coin, and because of bill’s words, ford doesn’t believe that

ford is continuing the conversation from his dream, but stan isn’t, because he wasn’t there. obviously

each time that ford tries to kill bill, he uses a gun. the first time, he’s in bill’s home, which isn’t actually his home but the in-between spaces of the multiverse that bill has invaded, and he fails. the second time, he’s in gravity falls, where bill has invaded, and he succeeds

this time, he is in the stan o’ war, which was supposed to be a safe and innocent and pure home, that “bill” has invaded

and ford breaks. in each segment, a string holding him together has snapped, and this one is the last string

so, ford has a gun, stan is crying, and ford’s lining up their temples so that a single shot can kill them both. it was something i read being attempted in a les mis fic before, and it stuck with me, because those fics were good, if kind of questionable. this is me pushing my angst limits. i did this for you, fex! i messaged you like “hey is this going too far” and you were just “you can never go too far”

ford loses his metaphors during the countdown. there were so many metaphors throughout this fic, but at this point, i was just like “meh idk” and it fitted thematically with the fact that ford has no clue what’s happening

then ford’s life kind of flashed before his eyes, and stan starts crying, but ford perceives it as laughter

wait fck i wrote an unreliable narrator fic. i’ve been thinking “damn unreliable narrator is so cool i wish i could do that” for a Very Long Time WELL GUESS WHAT

at the end, ford drinks from the bottle, despite having drunk from a glass beforehand, because he’s lost his dignity. but, also, his barrier has been torn down. he’s been left defenceless. both of them have been at the other’s mercy. ford has held and then relinquished some form of control, even if it’s a loose definition

it’s an abrupt ending, because sometimes thhings happen like that. if id stretched it for much longer, it would have been hurt/comfort and not stangst. hurt/comford. excellent

anyway bye

[icharchivist]

Ramble about the Hisoka&Chikage dynamic (w/ spoilers for the two Winter Play Events and chapter 5) and more personal stuff under the cut

Either way the thing i found really cruel with the Chikage arc is that, Hisoka was already on top of my fav list, but since he was amnesic he wasn’t defined by much aside from “his amnesia most likely come from his trauma”, and learning that he has a guilt complex/is responsible for someone’s death and it’s likely that this death is what triggered the amnesia, and that’s it. 

and i thought i was safe with that bc What Could Go Wrong meanwhile i could relate on being a Sleepy Bitch like Hisoka (hell i used to be able to sleep ANYWHERE before and often fell asleep in class or in a corner on trip, before anxiety indulced Insomnia started to kick my ass.) and i have memories issue, trauma babey, so like, My Kin Now:tm: (i have more reasons but that’s the funny short version)

but then the Winter Chapter ended with the April’s cliffhanger and the thing is that i was aware of Chikage’s cards and i knew of that one card from the “past self” set which was matching with Hisoka, so it was obvious that Chikage=April and that Chikage and Hisoka both were spies

and it fucked me up and from all the rookies’s build ups from the events it’s Chikage’s that fucked me up the most bc he specifically appears in Winter chapter, makes it clear he’s lurking on Hisoka LIKE THIS IS CHIKAGE’S FIRST APPEARANCE

IS WHEN TASUKU PICKS UP HISOKA AFTER HE COLLAPSES.. AND NOW WE KNOW IT WAS CHIKAGE’S ROLE..... HE LITTERALLY SLIDES ON SCREEN TO DECIDE TO TAKE ACTION ON HISOKA WHILE SEEING SOMEONE FILLING HIS ROLE OF CARETAKER OF HISOKA.....

And then Chikage leaves Hisoka flowers saying it “means a lot to him” to send those flowers and considering the whole Flower Language in the game it had to be on purpose so i checked up the flowers he sent Hisoka and i’m a crying mess

Second Winter Play:

(red pre chap 5, green post chap 5)

Third Winter Play:

and i’m a messssss because while the first one can have resentment in it it also showcase the specific grief Chikage denied himself to feel??? even the grief he felt FOR Hisoka. But the second one is so positive and hopeful like Chikage doesn’t WANT to turn on Hisoka like he planned and i’m a fucking disaster.

COUGHS anyway i got lost but, the thing is that, the fact the direction they took with the complex relationship between the three siblings is. The sort of sibling relationship i connect with because this is closer to what i can relate. 

it is a similar reason why i’m fascinated with the Wales brothers in gbf, with the fact the youngest brother had to bear the burden of his older brother disappearing and his other brother going off rails and taking it out on him, before being torn by guilt and realizing he ought to make it up to his brother. 

And if you boil down the Hisoka/Chikage/August storyline it’s the same thing happening, except Chikage specifically BLAMED Hisoka for August’s death, and Hisoka felt guilty and responsible and beared that burden.

And honestly i already connect much more with sibling dynamics when the youngest of the bunch is bearing the burden of their dynamic bc, mood.

But, as someone who had my eldest sister ran away from home when i was a kid and my other sister turning on me and pushing me away because, as she told me ways later, she badly lived the abandon and she knew i was closer to my eldest sister so she pushed me away in a form of jealousy AND the fact we were not allowed to talk about my runaway sister, we had to act like she never existed, and it was extremely frustrating so my sister shifted the blame on me

bc Chikage was always a bit jealous of how close Hisoka and August were and then when August died, with the inability to process his grief, he had to blame Hisoka.

And like, if the Wales Brothers’ dynamic punched me in the face, this was a suckerpunch because bro that hit, ways too close from home??? on a character i already kinda can project on?? (even though my behavior and coping mechanisms are closer to Azuma bc of the shared Abandon Issues and all but man it’s not like i had nothing on Hisoka yaknow?)

And, meanwhile, Hisoka and Chikage fixed their relationship. They opened up about their trauma, they cleared it up, they decided to heal together and getting better, and this is something that’s fucking me up a LOT because... it’s not something i can have? My sister and I shared our trauma but we’re still so distant and so caught in our parents’s bullshit that my sister KEEPS shifting the blame on me for anything going wrong with our family, especially lately with our dad. 

It was something that made me irrationally emotional with the Wales bro already but here destroys me, the fantasy of /fixing/ it. The fantasy of, after this hardship, managing to realize they can rely on one another and be there through their trauma. And, for Hisoka and Chikage, this desire to rebuild their family, in a less toxic environment. It’s something i can’t have, and don’t even really /want/ because the relationship with my sister is too damaged and we’re too different as people, but the fantasy of it being a possibility somewhere makes me weak on my knees.

(+ tbh a3 is HEALING bc with the Wales bro, the youngest is still the most responsible one, he still has to carry this burden, he has so much on his shoulders, and it’s... heavy when you get to project a bit on his story. While Hisoka is, on the contrary, encouraged to rest in order to recover. He’s encouraged to keep sleeping, to do stuff he likes, to nurse himself back to health, and this is so HEALING to have to see the characters who’s trauma you relate to being told that they don’t have to just “carry on” but, that they can be safe to rest now. (likewise with Azuma who’s also encouraged to rest and take care and rely on others without being punished about pushing people away. Instead it’s his friends picking up how to read him to counter Azuma’s first instict that is to isolate himself, without lecturing him about how he shouldn’t do that.), a3′s way to tackle trauma and recovery is seriously getting to me SO BAD like, it’s really healing to me)

Adding to that that, independantly to it all, I genuinely adore Chikage, he’s fun, he’s sneaky, he’s an ass, but he cares so much, and everything is because he cares ways too much, he’s so damaged and was never allowed to have room to get better and now he does, and he built so much walls around himself, his lies are just that (i’ve seen someone call it gas//l//ighting and DEAR LORD learn the meaning of words he doesn’t do that AT ALL) he just lies to throw off people, he tells people right away that he lies, even when it would protect him to keep on the charade (see his lie to Sakyo to cover up when he kidnapped Izumi), they’re walls in order to keep people away, to keep them from asking about him, and like he says to Tsuzuru because there’s weakness to be exploited in the truth, which is a paranoia that is completely legit to have when he’s litterally an informant/hacker spy?? 

he’s completely different from my sister, which is ironic, but therefore i do not even manage to project this thing fully on him. Hell, i crush on Chikage. I have terrible taste but good lord he’s been appearing in my dreams every day lately what the fuck Chikage. (litterally my top 3 chara is just “1) Kin in regard to the lore, 2) Kin in the coping mechanism, 3) Crushing ways too hard on him, am a total simp”)

Also meanwhile the fact the whole ending is “we’re leaving the organization (which was their family), we have a found family now, but together” is peak fantasy for someone like me and i’m always crying over the Mankai Found Family, but just, going “screw the previous family”? but..... the two of them together? I’m a mess. Especially adding to the fact Hisoka got SO close to the Winter Troupe and with the course of the events it really shows how precious they became to one another, this found family remains so precious to Hisoka (hell he bothers Homare and Tasuku as much as he bothers Chikage dLKFJD) he just, wants Chikage to experience this happiness too instead of letting himself collapse under his trauma and i’m!!! aaaah!!

So yeah what i’m getting at is, that, I thought i would be safe from Hisoka’s arc, that i wouldn’t be this emotionally invested in it, i was already too emotionally invested in Azuma’s bc Azuma has my coping mechanisms, but instead the plot took me by the throat with the direct sibling dynamic i REALLY feel for, it hit WAYS too close from home, with a storyline i can HEAVILY empathize with, and feel pain for both Hisoka and Chikage because i get both sides so hard, and i HAD to fall for one of those morons.

I’ve been playing a3 for over a year, started playing when the EN server lautched, and i had been emotionally involved in all of it, a LOT, i’ve played it every day in over a year, i’m up to date with everything, i feel so much for it, but despite that i felt like i was keeping it mostly lowkey, like i wasnt /obsessed/

but this storyline ruined me. This storyline brought this lowkey obsession to highkey at full speed. 

And all of that bc i genuinely loved Hisoka before those truthbombs, that those made me love him even more, that Chikage became SO loveable and has been living in my mind rentfree ever since, and that the dynamic they touch is both too close from home while also being unrealistic (as in how they fixed their dynamic), but in a “fantasy i love to indulge in” kind of unrealistic and it is destroying me.

so yeah, A3 good, i can’t get over how GOOD the writing is, but also that fucking wrecked me. 

[worthless-weight-in-gold]

hi its 3am, please read under the cut for a mini essay about my two favorite characters and also the only love triangle ive ever been emotionally vested in 

@veinstate have some pain

Mark and Jim are probably my two most opposite characters but also ones with the closest stories. They both experienced extreme trauma during childhood, both had someone they trusted romantically betray them at a young age, and they both got involved in gangs and crime before they hit secondary school. However, their fundamental (bad) ways of coping differ: Jim overstimulates himself into forgetting, and Mark numbs himself into forgetting.

Jim, while in work being a force of logic and careful though, is at his core a complete creature of emotion. He is constantly feeling how broken he is and constantly desperate to fix it. Jim chases after anything distracting because that’s all he has. He lives for physical sensation to drown out his thoughts. Hypersexuality, drugs, and masochism are all just about what makes his brain get forced to focus on something easier to handle. Because of this, Jim always prioritizes himself. He doesn’t have the skills necessary to cope with the pain that will come as a default if he slows down enough to put someone else first (except that one time in University but if anyone brings it up even by accident he shuts down for a while so haha moving on) and honestly he’s gotten to the point where there’s no hope for him to learn. He’s too far gone into this world that’s just him and whatever fleeting thing makes him stay alive another few hours. It doesn’t matter how good anyone is to him or how wonderful they are at helping: he’s broken past fixing, and it’s pretty much his own fault.

Mark, however, could never be described as someone who primarily acted on feelings. He consistently pushes down his emotions and issues to the point where often enough they don’t even come up. It takes a while of knowing him to realize how badly he actually is hurt, and too often that realization only comes after accidentally worsening the wound. Mark spent three years in love with his best friend and never bringing it up because his best friend was never single long enough for Mark to feel comfortable making a move. Even when he does end up with someone, he remains incapable of giving value to his feelings. After being up for three days due to paranoia, he’ll calm down a partner who’s having a kind of rough day and refuse to make their day worse by venting to them. He never makes any moves sexually, either— not because he doesn’t feel desire for someone, but because he considers his desire inconsequential unless that person reciprocates enough to start things theirselves. (Unless he is very drunk and also heartbroken, in which case he may have a one night stand he regrets the next day.) Even when isolated, Mark finds stuff to defer to. He has a coping-based adoration for cats, and takes care of strays as well as he can, and usually ends up taking some in. And they also always get priority over him.

And I’ve had threads where I’ve rp’d the two of them interacting and they truly and wholehearted loathe each other. Mark can’t sympathize with Jim’s hedonistic narcissism at all, and resents Jim for basically personifying the cycle of abuse. When Jim sees Mark all he sees is every way he’s failed, but he also sees someone weak who’s never been able to fight back— Mark personifies all the bystanders who never helped Jim. They really embody everything they hate about what they could have become for each other. Mark is willing to do anything for the person he loves, regardless of what it does to him or others. Jim is willing to do anything to have and keep the person he loves, regardless of what it does to them.

WHICH. Is why it hurts all that more when Victor is torn between the two of them in the “until it was near morning” verse. When Victor cheated with Mark, all Jim heard was that he was too much of a broken and angry victim for Victor to be able to love. When Victor went back to Jim, all Mark heard was he was too pathetic and closed off to be worth staying near to. As much as it makes sense that Victor is facing an impossible choice— his white knight complex being pulled between two people he considers himself required to save— the indecision is the single most painful way he could hurt either of them. It gives them both hope that they’re redeemable, that they have retained enough humanity that they can come back from what they are and be okay. But regardless of who Victor ends up picking, the fact he didn’t chose whoever he ends up with even just the one time (either by cheating on jim or having chosen jim over mark the first time around) destroys that hope anyway. The lack of surety on Victor’s part is enough weight on their fragile faith to crush it. 

Either Victor returns to Jim, and Jim internalizes it into outbursts and (sometimes true) accusations of Victor fantasying or dreaming of being with Mark instead that put a gigantic strain on their relationship because Jim finds himself unable to trust so many of the things he’d let himself believe when Victor said them. Or Victor runs away with Mark, and Mark can never help feeling like a second choice that was just the easier option, not the more desired one (and while he doesn’t ever accuse Victor of missing Jim, they both know there’s days where Victor regrets his choice) and instead of it vocally and loudly straining their relationship, Mark’s self-esteem just silently rots. At least with Mark he’s used to letting himself just be happy with Victor being happy, though, so on the frequent days where Mark is exactly what Victor needs, neither of them have felt luckier.

[boukenboy]

#13: 月影の鎖 -錯乱パラノイア- / Getsuei No Kusari - Sakuran Paranoia -

Released in April of 2013, Getsuei no Kusari ~ Sakuran Paranoia ~ is an otome game for the PSP. Developed and published by TAKUYO, GnS is a sprawling, massive tale about the struggles of a small town facing economic decline, xenophobia, taxation, and despair. There’s also a bit of romance, too. As a treat.

Set in the isle of Sangetsutou, a small island far from the mainland, we play as Fuyuura Megumi, who runs a small restaurant in the island’s only city, Koukashi. Megumi is an excellent protagonist - she’s kind, polite, and very hard-working, but has trouble opening up and asking others for help. Relatable. 

But all is not well in this seemingly peaceful town. A massive fire devastated Koukashi a year before the game began, and the town has faced economic issues since. Once known as a tourist destination due to its pleasure quarter and hot springs, the amount of visitors to Sangetsutou has decreased significantly. Faced with economic depression, the town’s unnamed mayor hires a mysterious consultant, Fukami, who offers the town a simple solution: turn the town into a military base. By doing so, Koukashi would not only receive money from the federal government, but businesses, too, would benefit from the presence of soldiers visiting the island and spending their coin. But the majority of the citizens are opposed to this proposal: why should their way of life have to change? Who will really benefit? Is there any other way? What would happen should the country go to war? 

Chief among those opposed to the garrison is Kagurazaka Hibiki, leader of the town’s youth activism group and local hero. Originally a traveler, he happened to be in Sangetsutou during the great fire of last year, and is renowned for stepping in and organizing the rescue and extinguishing movements when the town’s government failed to respond adequately. He is well-educated, stoic but likable, and the town has developed a dependency on him to set things right, for better or worse. Working directly underneath him is Mochizuki Satoya, a diligent youth, who grew up in the pleasure quarters, working as an assistant to the brothels there.  Like Kagurazaka, he cares deeply for the townspeople, though he struggles with envy, as he feels he does not have the ability to lead others as Hibiki does. He’s also short. He doesn’t like that, either. 

Rounding out the cast, we have Inoguchi Wataru and Haruna Nozomu. Wataru works for the military, and I assume he is involved with the militarization of the town, but beyond that, I’m not sure, as I have yet to do his route. Nozomu is initially silent about his motives, but it is eventually revealed that he works for Fukami, but this cynical blue-haired jokester isn’t especially loyal to this colonizer of a boss.

 Unlike other otome games, or at least those that I have played personally, GnK isn’t entirely focused on romance - rather, this is a story of a small town trying to cope with economic struggles, with interpersonal drama sprinkled in throughout each route. Each story-path features Megumi siding with a particular faction within Koukashi: for example, you’ll become a member of Kagurazaka’s activism group in his story-line, while in Mochizuki’s, you’ll spend a great deal of time getting to know the women that make their living as prostitutes in the pleasure quarter. Should you choose Haruna, you’ll spend a brief time working the game’s “villain” of sorts - and if you couldn't guess who that is, it’s Fukami. The world of GnK is a morally grey one - each character is extensively developed, complete with many long, long monologues, both spoken and thought, and you’ll gradually discovery why each character does the things they do, even if you don’t agree with their reasoning. The game respects your intelligence in this respect, and the writers are not afraid to discuss serious issues. This is easily the most “mature” otome game I have played. GnK tackles subjects like xenophobia, racism, economic scarcity, suicide, rape, and the validity of the sex work. Furthermore, this is by far some of the most challenging material I’ve ever read as a non-native speaker of Japanese. This game will break your back if you’re not at a certain level of fluency, but I personally loved the complexity of the text. As somebody who has studied the language extensively, I sometimes feel as though my abilities have plateaued in a sense - almost as if I can’t get any better than my current level. GnK wound up being a rewarding experience solely in that sense - but make sure you keep a dictionary on hand!

The story, for the most part, is very slow-paced and there’s not much “drama” until the latter half of the game. GnK is a slow-burner, which naturally allows for more opportunities to really explore its characters. However, this does not mean that there’s no filler - there is an absolutely absurd amount of text that I felt could have been left in editing without affecting the story. Do we really need to have multiple paragraphs of Megumi describing, at length, the process of preparing tea every time somebody orders it? I understand that this is a visual novel, so shouldn’t the principle of “show, don’t tell” apply even more in this respect?

The game is a bit obtuse when it comes to unlocking routes, as well. On my first play-through, I answered each prompt as I would in real life, as I typically do in games of this type, curious to see who I wound end up with in a natural flow of things. This was a stupid idea in hindsight, because GnK has a number of bad endings lurking to sink an unsuspecting gamer. I would up unlocking nobody, and my game ended after only a few hours. Upon reading a guide, I was a little annoyed by how strict the game expects you to be in regards to following each route - but in its defense, GnK does provide an excellent auto-save feature. I was just too dumb to utilize it properly.

Each protagonist has two “main” endings, and as mentioned above, a small handful of bad ones. Which proper ending you unlock depends on how high the “love” and “dependent” your man of choice has for you. Being self-less, strong willed, and honest tends to raise the “love” meter, while doing the opposite raises the “dependency” level, but it, of course, depends on the character. 

The love endings are full of the schmaltz you’d expect from a game of this type, though slightly elevated thanks to the high quality of the writers at Takuyo. The dependency endings, on the other hand, are absolutely wild, and genuinely disturbing - you’ll experience the exquisite pleasure of burning together in the pleasure quarter, or, conversely, know what it’s like to strangle another human being after you’ve lost your marbles due to experiencing the same trauma your birth-mother went through! They are the definition of extra, and as a whole, felt way way more fulfilling and unique compared to the happier endings.

I wish the game had actual split routes for the two ending types, however, as seeing a healthy-ish relationship crumble within a span of minutes felt a little jarring to me, personally. That being said, if you only have time for one ending, go for the dark ones, as they really pack that molasses-drenched punch.

I love when a game manages to truly surprise me, and GnK did that. The plot, grounded and realistic, free from paranormal influences or deus-ex-machina bullshit, felt super fresh compared to many games in the same genre, and the depth of text kept me challenged and entertained. Each route will take about 10 hours - so it’s well worth trying out! Stay safe out there, and happy gaming! 

[margridarnauds]

Berenice, Bianca, Elektra

(Finally getting around to this, woohoo!)

Full Name: Berenice. Gotta love the Greeks for keeping it simple. I have a vague idea that her name might have been something else at some point, but it’s always just “Berenice” or “Berenice of Alexandria” when I’m talking about her. (Funny story, though: The inspiration for her character came from my first Webkinz named Beatrice, so you could count that as an alternative name, I guess. Now read the rest of this entry with that knowledge. Go on, imagine a Webkinz doing all of this.)Gender and Sexuality: Female/Possibly straight (All her love interests have been men, but I also take a Sims approach to sexuality with my OCs so…)Pronouns:She/Her. Ethnicity/Species: About a quarter Persian, three quarters Macedonian. She’d probably be white passing by modern standards, but, considering the way things worked in her time, I’m not sold on her being considered fully “white” by ancient ones.  Birthplace and Birthdate: Alexandria, sometime around 38 BCE. Guilty Pleasures: She’s a full blown Epicurean; she doesn’t have guilty pleasures. The closest thing I can think of is her affair with Bran, but that’s because (1) He’s a barbarian, (2) She was married at the time, and (3) He has *history* with her people, so it was more worry than guilt. She was perfectly happy to tap that; she just wasn’t sure about the fallout. Phobias: Deathly afraid of heights. Is also paranoid over assassination attempts, though, considering her track record, I’d say it’s not so much paranoia as taking the right precautionary procedures. What They Would Be Famous For: She’s one of the most influential, intelligent, and glamorous women of her time, and that makes her both famous and infamous. To her allies, she’s The High Queen and so is held onto this kind of pedestal as the daughter of a respected king who’s kept them from further civil wars since her accession and, later, as a symbol for their cultural continuity even after defeat, as well as a noted patron of the arts and natural philosophy. To her enemies, well… They put every single negative stereotype of women, particularly “Eastern women” onto her, making her into some oversexualized, decadent, vain sociopath who regularly twirls her mustache as she gleefully celebrates the downfall of civilization. (I lean more towards her being a little of both.) Either way, she’s an absolute icon as a ruler, for better or worse. What They Would Get Arrested For: Multiple counts of murder, including murder of at least one minor, treason, and, considering the time period, adultery. That one would actually probably be more likely to have serious consequences than the other two. OC You Ship Them With: Bran. I also lowkey ship her with Eleanor, and if Marcus weren’t so aggressively ace, I’d probably go with it. OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Well, Elektra and Theron certainly gave it their best try, with John Hawtrey and Emma continuing the grand tradition of father-daughter pairs trying to kill her. In the present, Diane is probably her biggest threat, but I don’t think she would really kill her because, on some level, she admires her too much and doesn’t see how much of a threat Berenice is even when she’s been stripped of most of her power. Favorite Movie/Book Genre: She loves tragedies with her favorite, naturally, being Agamemnon. (She’s particularly fond of the ending and might or might not have commissioned at least one writer to write fix-it fic for Clytemnestra’s fate.) I also like to think that, in the modern AU, she has a soft spot for the Sword and Sandal films, the more cringe inducing the better. Yes, including (especially?) “Alexander.” Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Hates black and white morality, especially when it comes to female rulers and how they’re perceived. Like, she knows she’s a monster, she owns up to it, but she’s tired of insipidly sweet princesses triumphing over evil queens. Her take on power struggles like that is that, while they’re inevitable (she killed most of her father’s and her husband’s concubines and children to keep her own power,) they involve the princess transforming into the evil queen, not defeating her. “Virtue rewarded” narratives just don’t appeal. Talents and/or Powers: Very intelligent, witty, and manipulative. She can effortlessly go from one mode to another, adapting her mannerisms to each one. Like all of her people, she has an expanded lifespan, as well as the ability to switch between her animal form and her human one. (Though the animal form is little used by her considering it’s also very conspicuous.) Oh, and she knows, like nine languages. Why Someone Might Love Them: In a time when women aren’t expected to rule in their own rights, she managed to seize power. She has a policy of religious and cultural tolerance, appointing the best people for a given position instead of strictly keeping to Macedonian or even Hellenistic in general citizens. Despite her claims that she’s gone cold over the years, she still obviously has a spot spot for her old childhood companions, showing more of her true self in their presence than she does around almost anyone else. Why Someone Might Hate Them: She’s absolutely ruthless in the measures she takes to keep her power. She’s literally killed babies and betrayed the love of her life to the tender mercies of their enemies. Like, come on. If you’re not ready for that kind of darkness in a character, particularly one who, at least as of this moment, has had no serious repercussions (ie death) for it , that could be jarring. I do think she’s troubled by it in her own way, especially the latter one which completely broke her for a while, but, at the same time…the girl’s dark. I’ve tried to not tone down what royal women of this time did to survive, for better or worse. I’d understand hating her 100%. How They Change: The first half of her character arc (losing her father and brother, taking her revenge out on Theron for their murders, the civil wars that resulted from not having a clear line of succession, marrying her uncle to ensure that she wasn’t swept away by the power struggles, participating in the murder of her half-siblings, having to marry Theron’s nephew, saying goodbye to her childhood friend and protector, throwing Bran to the wolves, and then orchestrating the murders of her husband, his other wives and concubines, and his children by them) is about her essentially having to lose touch with her human connections in order to survive. The second half of it (saving her old childhood friend, helping Eleanor in her rebellion against her brother, devoting a considerable amount of time to Bran’s recovery even when she thinks that he’s never going to forgive her for it, offering Ada a place at her court so that Atria will be happy and then protecting her when her past comes to haunt her, deciding against taking power from Eleanor despite it potentially playing to her advantage) is showing a possible restoration of those connections and the possibility of changing how things are done. I don’t think she’ll ever get a full redemption, because I’m not sure there can be a full redemption for all she’s done, but she gets the closest thing to it that I can imagine. Why You Love Them: She’s basically my love letter to the great Hellenistic queens, specifically Olympias and Cleopatra VII, with traces of the others threading their way throughout her backstory and characterization. It’s an absolute thrill bringing the best and worst of that time to the fray and getting to write someone as complex as her from the beginning of her character development to the end. She’s the kind of female character I’ve always latched myself onto, the ones who have grand schemes and ambitions and who manipulate and scheme their way into fulfilling them (I’ll give you a hint: The first female character I can remember loving was Anck-su-Namun from “The Mummy,” the second was Cleopatra, the third was probably Morgan le Fay) and I finally have the chance to have her run free and do her own thing without having to tragically die at the end. She also makes such a fantastic foil to Eleanor, with Eleanor ultimately deciding not to go down the path Berenice went down despite being exposed to similar traumas, though I don’t think I ever want to see them set up in a traditional protagonist-antagonist way. I prefer the two of them bouncing off each other, one the older, more Machiavellian queen, the other the more humanistic queen, with both kind of drawing closer to each other by the end. 

I just…really love Ber as a character, okay? She’s probably one of my all-time favorites. 

Full Name: Bianca CostaGender and Sexuality: Female, demisexual. Pronouns: She/Her. Ethnicity/Species: White/HumanBirthplace and Birthdate: Since they’ve been magicked off to another world by the Fae, time and dates don’t work the same, but going off of the 1580 starting point, she was born sometime around May 1, 1616 in the New Papal States. (Essentially, where all the Catholic colonists clustered together to get away from the Protestant colonists and the new pope was selected, according to them, by divine revelation.)Guilty Pleasures: SweetsPhobias: ThunderWhat They Would Be Famous For: She’d probably be right up there with Anne Boleyn and Marie Antoinette on the list of popular tragic queens, though, considering she didn’t die, she’d probably be best remembered as Eleanor’s mother. What They Would Get Arrested For: Adultery and treason. OC You Ship Them With: Duncan, happiness. OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Diane. Like with the Ber/Elektra example, she’s certainly tried enough times. Favorite Movie/Book Genre: The old Chivalric Romances are her jam, especially Amadis of Gaul and Lancelot, the Knight of the Cart. She’s not particularly fond of Tristan and Iseult, though. Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Romanticized abuse in any form, especially when it’s claimed by the writers to be “just part of the times.” I can see her viewing session of a *certain* time traveling romance being put on hold shortly after beginning, with her needing Dunc to hold her and reassure her for an hour or so afterwards (at least) that she’s safe with him and he’d never treat her like that. Talents and/or Powers: No real powers that I know of; I’ve toyed with giving her an interest in alchemy, but that comes a little too close to Atria’s whole “natural philosophy” shtick and even though I’m all for more female characters in STEM-like (okay, as close as you can get in Early Modern England) concentrations and even though historically, there were a number of women involved in alchemy, I just don’t feel it as much. I still like the idea of her as an expert horsewoman and hawker, so there is that. I especially like the hawking, as then you have the whole symbolism angle + historical accuracy and that makes me feel good about myself so yeah. In some ways, I think I’m still waiting for her to “click” with me as a character. Why Someone Might Love Them: Like her daughter, she has a great amount of spirit, though, also like her daughter, she’s very subdued in showing it. Years with Giles have only made it worse, but she still keeps fighting for her daughter, despite everything. I often tie a lot of Eleanor into her more distant ancestors, with that whole “Heroic Lineage” thing often coming up, but I think that a good portion of her strength comes directly from her mother. Why Someone Might Hate Them: I can see people hating her for having an affair, despite Giles being explicitly abusive, especially since that affair brought a child into that kind of situation. She and her husband’s illegitimate daughter, Cat, do not get along, and sometimes she can be overly sharp with her as a sort of revenge by proxy. We’re not looking at Snape levels of spite here, but she is supposed to be the adult despite the horrible circumstances both of them find themselves in. How They Change: She started off as this very spirited young woman, optimistic, innocent, and absolutely sure that people were as they appeared. She fully believed Giles when he presented the image of the perfect prince to her, only for him to turn on her after their marriage. Now, that spirit’s mostly gone; she’s more or less sedate. Her faith in humanity is certainly gone, her faith in society even more so as she’s watched them turn a blind eye to what their king’s been doing for the better part of two decades. Duncan, who had helped sustain her in the early years of her marriage, is distant out of fear of the consequences for her if Giles found out. She’s basically become lost from herself after all this time and, with Diane’s treatment of her daughter, it only gets worse from there as her anxiety and guilt preys on her. Like with Ber, I would like to build her up from this point, I would like to see her start to recover and learn to trust again, I’d like to see her relationship with her daughter grow after Eleanor learns the truth of her parentage, I’d like her to forgive herself, I’d like to see her start a new family with Duncan. I’m not sure how much of that I can do, considering I’m feeling a strong tug towards a bittersweet ending for them, probably in the vein of the old Chivalric Romances since so much of their relationship’s already been inspired by them, but I also have a hard time giving any of my ships a bad ending, particularly not the ones like this where both parties have already been through Hell to be together. Why You Love Them: I like that she’s not a perfect mother or a perfect person, that she makes mistakes, that she snaps at her husband’s daughter at times, that she’s catty with his mistress. I don’t like writing paragons, I don’t like writing models of ideal femininity, and she’s certainly not. Writing an abuse victim from a historical angle is very complicated and it’s something that I try to be sensitive about,and it’s one that I’ve tried to take in as realistic a direction as I can, so that is interesting to take on as a challenge. Sobering, depressing, but also interesting, especially dealing with her after Giles’s death when she’s nominally free and trying to rebuild. She’s also a religious minority (Catholic) in a very Protestant country, and seeing how she deals with that is interesting to deal with. 

 THANK YOU for asking about Elektra. When I first put her up there, I wasn’t sure about much besides maybe 1-2 traits. She was a dead backstory character, a little roadblock in Ber’s character development. Now, it looks like we’re together for the long haul. That being said, I kept in all my old remarks + added in some new ones in parentheses as my way of marking the character development. 

Full Name: Elektra (See above about the Greeks and naming and how convenient it makes my life.)Gender and Sexuality: Straight, though, like with Ber, the Sims Rule of Sexual Orientation applies. (HaHahahahaHAA no. Girl’s either bi, pan, or lesbian, with her marriages being a way of keeping power. That was so cute that I used to think she was an evil straight girl.)Pronouns: She/HerEthnicity/Species: White/Shapeshifter. Birthplace and Birthdate: Athens, September 12, sometime around 37-39 BCE. Guilty Pleasures: I like to think that, for all the crap she gives Berenice about drinking unmixed wine *like a barbarian*, she indulges from time to time herself. Berenice knows, of course, and is endlessly entertained by it. Phobias: Honestly, I wasn’t sure about this one, but I think she’s afraid of being abandoned. Like, her father was never a particularly good parent to her, though he sometimes threw her a gift or two, her mother didn’t care for her, and then her father abandoned her mother for a girl her own age. Which is far from the worst thing he did. And I think she takes a lot of that with her in her revenge quest; it’s like she feels that if she can avenge his death, she’ll have the love she’s always wanted and she’ll be able to move on. What They Would Be Famous For: She is, unfortunately, the Cleopatra Eurydice to Berenice’s Olympias, so she is going to remembered either as (a) one of the poor, innocent victims of The Bad Queen or (b) as a necessary roadblock, the “other woman” that got in the way of Ber being happy and who had to be removed. None of these stereotypes are true, she wasn’t innocent but Ber and Arion would never have been happy together even in an Elektra-less world. Her marriage to Arion just sealed Ber’s disgust for him, as she considered it to be a personal betrayal that he married the daughter of the man who killed her father. What They Would Get Arrested For: I mean, attempted murder? She and Ber would probably have to share a cell. OC You Ship Them With:  I don’t know, she’s only with Arion, who’s the closest thing she has to a love interest, for the power and to hurt Ber. (Don’t worry, I figured it out.) I suppose I could ship her and Ber in the right AU. (Incidentally, I’m still down for this.)

Her and Khensa would be an interesting enemies-to-lovers ship, with Khensa being so absolutely devoted to Ber’s success as a queen, Elektra being devoted to tearing Ber down, and both of them having unresolved issues with their fathers’ murders. (Yes, there is a theme here and I’m aware of it. Some people work out their daddy issues by long talks and a lot of therapy, I work it out by inflicting a bunch of dead and/or useless fathers on my characters so they can suffer too.) There could be a lot of great opportunities for hatesex there, and, in a fluffier AU, the possibility for them to work out their issues. When Ber finds out, she’s completely speechless, at first thinking that this is a prank Khensa’s pulling on her and, after Khensa assures her that she’s 100% serious, she probably faints. It takes her an additional three days to process the information, even longer to accept it, and she never fully trusts Elektra, but she realizes the value of having her as a potential partner in Khensa’s spying operations, especially given her own relationship with Bran. (And because Khensa’s too valuable to alienate by ordering the relationship terminated or by having Elektra assassinated, especially since her usual hitwoman’s the one with hearteyes.) The two of them then proceed to pretend to hate each other’s guts during the day so that potential rebels would be drawn to Elektra while making out behind every pillar they can find at night. 

Ah, if only things had been different.  

(Note:This is actually what made me change my mind about her, but it’s so hilarious in hindsight that I’m keeping it all as-is. Khensa x Elektra [Khelektra? Elensa?] is 100% canon. And still angsty because why not.)

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Ber murdering her is (Not!) canon at this point. Alas, poor Elektra. I didn’t know you well and I didn’t particularly like you until having to fill out this meme, but that was a harsh one. (Well, safe to say that’s been scrambled, though Ber’s still the most likely. I mean, it wasn’t for lack of trying.)Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Like Ber, Tragedies. Unfortunately, unlike Ber, who recognizes her role and adapts and learns from it, she refuses to see herself as anything other than the hero in her given story. (Which is why we have characteeeeeeer develoooooopment. And necromancy.)Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: I think “If you kill him you’ll be just like him” has to be near the top. From her point of view, she could never sink as low as Ber has and would bristle at the suggestion that she already has. (Still agree with this.)Talents and/or Powers: She’s a very accomplished witch, having taken up the dark arts recently. As such, she has command over a vast array of powers with the proper ritual, including raising ghosts to do her will. (Believe me, this comes in handy. And is also part of the New!Elektra, in case anyone cares about chronology here.) Why Someone Might Love Them: In another story, she could have been the heroine looking for revenge for her father’s death against an evil queen who puts on a facade to fool those around her and kills her enemies mercilessly. Unfortunately for her, she wound up in the wrong story, the evil queen was just as much a victim as she was, and her father was the reason she started off on that path to begin with. The fact that she was (not!) murdered while she was pregnant only adds to the tragedy, as well as the fact that, unlike with her father, there’s no one left to avenge her. There’s something tragic about it, really. Why Someone Might Hate Them: I never intended for Elektra to be a sympathetic character, so I’d actually be more surprised by people liking her than not. She absolutely refused to listen to the evidence of her father’s guilt, even when it was absolutely conclusive. After she finally accepts that he was a serial killer, she defaults to saying that “It was just whores,” denying his role in the deaths of Ber’s father and brothers and refusing to believe that her father was completely, utterly evil. I actually understand her on this one to some extent (no one wants to believe the man they loved and trusted is a monster + cultural norms regarding prostitutes and their status coming into play,) but I can still see her being labelled “the stupid bitch,” especially given that she made the vital mistake in her final scene of gloating to Ber over her pregnancy. In her defense on that one, she had no way of knowing that Ber’d had an abortion a short while before and the whole situation with Bran (I mean, she knew about it, but she didn’t realize the extent of the mushy feelings involved) and so Ber being unstable enough to just stab her right there wasn’t something she’d calculated in. As I mentioned above, I can also see people misblaming her for the failed marriage between Ber and Arion, with people probably labeling her a homewrecker or a whore (while probably ignoring that Bran is also a homewrecker by those standards), when the crux of the conflict between the two women isn’t over Arion; it’s over power and the cycle of revenge. (Elektra’s father murdered Ber’s father, Ber killed her father, and so now the two of them aren’t going to be happy until all traces of the other are wiped off the face of the Earth.) The fact that they also happened to share a a husband and that he happened to prefer Elektra was just a bonus. 

(Now, with me deciding to have her survive Ber’s little stabbing spree and get a redemption arc, there’s a new set of problems developing, as in any case of redemption. Like, both Ber and Elektra have a casualty count at this point, and any talk of “redemption” is always going to be a polarizing thing.)

How They Change: I think that Elektra’s development is running counter to Ber’s, so that while Ber’s slowly gaining her humanity back, Elektra’s slowly losing it. The measures she takes to get rid of Ber become even more desperate, until she’d probably be willing to kill herself if it could hurt Ber in any way. (Surprise, surprise, now I have her isolating herself from society/separating herself from the figures in her past as being her victory while Ber’s is re-integrating herself/reconciling with the figures in her past, so good call Past!Me)Why You Love Them: There are very few characters who I can say were decent adversaries for Ber and, even though Elektra ultimately lost, she at least gave Ber a run for her money. On some level, I think she more or less becomes the standard that Ber compares later enemies to (”Elektra wouldn’t have done this”). As much as I love Ber, I also love anyone who’s capable of slapping her into the next stage of character development. 

(Also, in the present, the fact that she grows and learns and is able to somewhat reconcile with Ber after everything both of them have done to each other (and team up together to defeat the loser on Ber’s throne) is really cool to see, especially since this is all on her. It’s not really on me; I’d been happy to leave her lying in a puddle of her own blood in a marble room. So, props to her for making me realize what I was missing out on. 

Oh, and she’s a witch. Like, writing a historically accurate Greek witch is everything I ever wanted but didn’t know I needed.)

[hellolittledaisy]

anxiety, health, how I’ve felt the past week, and walling myself in with anxiety (long post)

So, over the past (almost 2) weeks now I’ve felt anxious about my health, due to some swelling and feeling off and exhaustion, etc. What worries me more than my actual health though (I have a doctor’s appointment, nurse says I sound okay, calmed down talking to my mom, etc.) is how my perception of my health absolutely shits on my anxiety. Without someone else to ground me in reality, spending the day stuck in my head while worrying about a certain issue can lead me to totally spiraling to the point where I’ve convinced myself of some darker reality and I will spend days feeling walled in, trapped, isolated, completely alone and afraid.  It’s like rationality and logic (two things I pride myself on possessing, and try to reason with) completely go out the window and there’s this alternate reality of constant fear, which can also bring me back to feelings of past trauma (it’s the same fear/depression/hopelessness I felt as a child dealing with the turbulence of my sister, as well as in my darkest moments in high school). And then, I lose my appetite, I don’t sleep well, this issue consistently whispering to me at the back of my head even when I’m involved in something else, and things begin to blur. Do I feel exhausted and lightheaded because I haven’t eaten well or drank enough water in days? Because the anxiety? Being overworked? Or is it something more nefarious? And with that reasoning, I think I actively make myself worse. Because after I have that assurance that yes, we are going to get you checked out but don’t panic, I no longer feel petrified and things lack immediacy.  My mental health for a long time now has been back and forth, but in the last couple weeks, it’s definitely been difficult. My favorite person and old best friend (that I’ve only seen once since she left for college)(my relationship with her was quite complex, and included a lot of romantic feelings and interactions, as well) left for Italy last week, and visited the island, but didn’t hang-out with me. I don’t know how long she’s gone for. The lack of friendship in my life and the loneliness is always more and more noticeable at this time of year, especially after not having a smartphone for 6 months, getting one last week, and seeing my old friends, the old people in my life (and how they now interact with people they used to despise), hit much harder than I expected. It was a mixture of “I missed out on so many things!” and realizing I didn’t, that these clubs and cliques and the feelings of exclusion have always existed, they’re just projecting differently now. And when I feel most isolated, that is when the panic and anxiety hit the hardest. I take everything seriously. Paranoia takes over everything. My thinking is no longer about how to make things better; it becomes nonlinear and overemotional.  Anyways, I don’t know quite what to do right now. Seeing a picture of the aforementioned best friend on a roof in Italy just made me start crying, and I feel somewhat silly for projecting everything the past few days onto my physical health, when maybe I should’ve been worrying about my mental health. And how much I miss my friends. And the huge changes I’ve gone through in the past 7 months. Welp.