#everyone is naming their kids werid as fuck names

[lovesexdhokha]

if i ever have a kid or adopt a kid, im naming him some old school name like hemant or satvik or radhya or saraswati etc

[evansencezz]

—WHO HAS THE CHOICE LIKE SMARTY DOES??- OC HEADCANNONS AND FACTS—ヽ(^□^｡)ノ

Notes: Silly little head cannons, what even is this, litterally info dumping, smoking, austism, neourdivergent, these can be taken as cannon or non-cannon, idk small little facts bout my ocs, skrunkiles, this is pretty cringe, most of these realeate to a modern au so shut up, fluff??, idfk, music, shortest note section ever, rag tag ocs, group ocs, spefific ocs.

U・x・U—Violet Evergarden—she/her—U・x・U

-idk if i said this or not yet but she’s austistic lol-

-her favorite drink from starbucks would defentily be a sugar cookie almond milk lattee what can i say-

-cannoncially demisexual with pansexual and poly undertones-

-her personality was actually inspired from donnie from tmnt and a mix of suimuki and a touch of rei from ngev (neon gensis evangelion)-

-yes, her name is based off of the anime character and show ‘violet evergarden’.-

-her special intrests are body anatomy and space.-

-cannot stand loud noises like screaming or shouting. her hands will automatically go to her ears. OH AND FIREWORKS SHE HATES THOOSE THINGS WITH A BURNING PASSION ‼️‼️-

-fucking hates high rise jeans and wishes they would die 😡-

-bullies kids on roblox-

-absoutelte grammar freak. like if u dare spell something wrong or use the wrong term she will punch you even though she doesnt type in caps.-

-her favorite colors are navy blue and ivory-

-consumes a shit ton of media and is a absoutetle nerd about every fandom ever-

-has a enemies to lovers with iris moment going on idfk-

-fucking hates annoying people who only care about beauty-

-cant stand overacheivers for some reason even though she is one!! LOSERRRR-

-average crusty insomaniac with greasy hair and a werido gambling obession-

-loves sweet shit would devour a whole wedding cake if she could-

-motherfucker would have a twitter account and go after EVERYONE. AND I MEAN, EVERYONE.-

-is actually really pale and if you squint or she actually goes outside for once, you can see her blue veins-

-says she doesnt fall for people yet she has a shit ton of fictional crushes-

-this isnt even a real headcannon but the little rag tag group and her gives me so much sertion-

-touch starved-

-while dating, violet is pretty closed off unless you talk about her special intrests. and she gets extremely embrassed at small things.-

-actually intense stage fright like she was throwen up on stage once for something iris planned and she was just a fucking mummbling mess.-

-bottom i make no changes bro.-

-if she was in school her favorite subject would be biology cmon now 😭-

-makes werid faces sometimes just like cringing and overexaggerated ones-

-actually doesn’t mind the nicknames V’ but no way she would actually say that-

-super duper clumsy and has fallen over on her crutches a good handful on times.-

-also really really texture senstive like she hates the feeling of itchy things, ice, squishy things, and slimy things.-

-can speak koeran, spanish, french, and russian-

-knows how to make really good coffee for some reason and would be a starbucks barista in now time-

-def likes slow 90’s music or lofi music-

-agrueabbly funniest out of the group-

-borderline sometimes forgets to eat when shes reading, on social media, or busy-

-most defentily has reactions like trying to cover her face when she smiles so much or when she’s embrassed-

-actually doesn’t mind ariana grande-

v(°∇^*)⌒☆—Iris Redbrook-they/them—v(°∇^*)⌒☆

-I HATE THIS BITCH 😡🔥🔥‼️‼️-

-awful just awful-

-their personality is an exact copy of rise!leo, someone help me.-

-certifed ‘leader’ of the rag tag group-

-non-cannon certified crush on violet?!? 😱-

-has been throwen into pocket dimesone multiple times and just brushed it off 😨-

-“OMFG IRISSSS!!”-while their being throwen into a blackhole.-

-“fuck not again 😞😞”- them bro-

-chaos creator bro, has started multiple bar fights. and won all of them somehow.-

-rarely actually bursts out in actual laughter, mainly its just snickers and shit 😒-

-number one lesbian in my face rn-

-spams the GC in modern au with fucking stupid ass memes-

-cannon guitar player-

-middle child average 🔥🔥-

-slacker in school def-

-bright colors bright colors everywhere-

-massive fan of parties like in the ‘episode’ where they all went to a party for a mission they were living it up bro ☠️-

-favorite drink from starbucks is a vanilla bean frapiccno with a shot of expresso and strawberry puree, ultimate meance-

-non-cannoically but implied ADHD-

-also agrueablly funniest out of the group-

-ulitmate leader on like teasing and flirting but then rejecting people 🤨-

-has actually slight anger issues but hides them pretty well-

-finds true crime rlly intresting and watches podcasts-

-sometimes makes self-depriving jokes and gets embrassed when people immeditally comfort them after.-

-“well that was dissaponiting..”-violet

-“not as dissaponting as me apprently lol!”-iris

-“no don’t say that!! your cool, iris!”-some rando’ idfk

-“WH-(｡･･｡)…”-iris

-if u date them be preapred to be showed off and flirted with constantly-

-they r only 20 but they defentily drank before and this is cannon bc i said so-

-loves titties but hates their own-

-has creative ass insults for some reason??-

-“listen here you little SHIT bag”-

-“WHAT”-everyone ever 😨

-knows how to swing dance?!-

✩⃛˞(๑ꆨ৺ꉺ๑)—Chiyo yang-she/her—✩⃛˞(๑ꆨ৺ꉺ๑)

-honestly a nerd-

-def likes the slight croquette aesthetic but leans towards a more fem type of style-

-her favorite show would defentily be either bloom into you or nana-

-firm believer in bisexual chiyo-

-she’s the type of person that wouldn’t mind the idea of polyamory but doesn’t know if it’s completly for her-

-defentily also likes slow 90’s and early 2000’s but also likes pop stuff-

-defentily has a stash of romance mangas in her room-

-so obessed with the color pink like it’s unhealthy-

-spotify would do her dirty on the yearly wrap shit they do-

-in modern au she would absoutetly love saniro no changing my mind on this-

-has a slight teasing nature to her but nowhere as bad as iris’s is 😡-

-absoutetly loves the beach for some reason and traveling during summer?? like it just fills her with so much nostagalia and stuff like what ☠️-

-has trouble forming how she feels or what she actually means with words and gets annoyed at herself-

-her hair color is natural, by pink i mean like a pinksh blonde like almost like a strawberry blonde-

-defentily knows how to speak japense and spanish-

-super intrested in different cultures and learning about the world, like god bless you if ur her friend and from a different contient or culture.-

-super good at baking for some reason?? even though she doesn’t do it often-

-if u date chiyo just expect to be holding her back by the collar of her shirt from doing something reckless-

-i made her personality a mix of kel from omori and hero, slightly chaotic but mature in serious moments-

-gives off air head vibes but is surprisngly well-versed in things she likes 😞-

-listens to airana grande i dont make the rules-

-absoutetly hates being by herself like at all times she is with SOMEONE IDC WHO IT IS BUT ITS SOMEONE-

-fucking drinks, eats, and spits out fluff reading material and refuses to read anything else-

-kinda delousional TBH!! 😒-

-has something going on in that head but no one knows what shes thinking about-

-neither booksmart or lifesmart-

-firm believer in makeup and be used no matter what and its not for male eyes-

-also likes parties and messing around-

-please never pair her and iris together-

-defentily sings along with 90’s and 2000’s music at concerts and at parties-

-gets the biggest smile on her face when shes actually having fun with the rag tag drop-

(°ヮ°)—Venus Damershera-she/they—(°ヮ°)

-certifed mother figure of the group-

-don’t get me wrong, she’s funny too ☠️-

-def would have a aestehtic ass animal cross island-

-firm believer in christmas and december surpremacy and hates on spring-

-most defentily would cook for you if she found out someone wasn’t eating or something-

-bisexual-

-surprisngly has multiple ex’s (fuck them take me now venus 🤗🤗)-

-has a whole ass mf piano in her room or house that they don’t even play anymore, it just kinda..sits there..-

-recovering drug user NOT CANNON AT ALL-

-cannon milk drinker EW EWWWWW-

-surprisngly childish when ignored or bothered, like they always keep this mature thing up but when their annoyed their r surprisngly destructive-

-mentally unstable defentily-

-almost never curses but when she finally did iris was so happy-

-“okay, i don’t know who the FUCK told you to-!”-venus

-“OH MY GOD, VENUSSS CURSEDDDD!!”-iris

-has twitched simaliar to violet like her eye will visibly twitch or her hands will comb through her hair-

-defentily kins yuri and kaede from both dangonronpa and ddlc-

-broke a paintbrush once from trying to hold back anger due to something-

-smiles at people even though she wishes they would keel over in their head-

-defentily the most shy out of the rag tag group-

-likes poems and spritual things like crystals and incense etc-

-sometimes cries over her lost siblings 😰-

-has a journal where she remebers and recounts all the times and all the memories she has with them-

-has a slight obession with the color purple-

-her favorite princess is rosalia from mario-

-def listens things like wham and video game soundtracks-

-likes reading and has a pair of glasses-

-a slight hopeless romantic and gets embrased when iris teases her about it 😮-

-has a very small tooth gap but it’s not very noticeable-

-her eyes crinkle and her dimples show when she smiles-

-they def are one of those bitches who comes into starbucks and orders every single drink with oatmilk just so people know their gay-

-actually loves carides so much and spaces out while looking out the window 😝-

-one of those bitches who def goes after toxic people on twitter to defend an innocent person who is getting hate-

-certified overthinker 😱-

-people would def call them mommy on tiktok and they wouldn’t get it at all 😧-

-has big boobs-

-cannot lie to ur face for shit bro-

-gets really tense and flustered when people invade their personal bubble-

-actually pretty tall like 5’6 😓-

-a sucker for pretty men or dorky men like PRETTY GIRl STAND THE FUCK UP!!-

—defnetily one of those bitches who feeds you well bro like will make a effort to make sure u eat something-

-mama will be the sweetest lover ever bro-

-accidentally calls people ‘good girl’ or ‘good boy’ when they do something well and immeditally apologizes after-

Σ(`･ω･Ⅲ)—Noel Vixien-she/he/they—Σ(`･ω･Ⅲ)

-our genderfluid polysexual omni icon-

-defentily had a threesome at some point i dont make the rules-

-mf has ISSUES-

-fidigts alot and gets antsy when doing things solo but refuses help ☠️-

-secretly hates it when people compare them to christmas or the bath and body works scent-

-unironcally smells like vanilla-

-makes faces when something akward or cringe happens to get the point across-

-stuck play-dogh up her nose when she was younger-

-cannot go near curches-

-finds puns funny but immeditally looks the other way when she starts smiling-

-defentily scrunches their nose when messed with 😒-

-accidnetally punched ever other member of the group once or twice because they were snuck up on-

-has a pair of glasses but doesn’t really wear them-

-also likes reading but not super duper long books-

-cannoncially autistic-

-prefers to be called neourdivergent-

-is a skin picker as one of his nervous habbits-

-really texture senstive and refuses to eat things that are mushy, or really tough-

-has a mild fear of heights-

-smoker but makes sure to not do it around venus or violet-

-would most defentily work at a cafe’ with violet-

-doesn’t really have a spefic taste in music beside that she hates country-

-almost choked someone because they called them cronically online 🤗-

-people would defentily simp over them and iris if they had social media accounts bro-

-stubborn and bitter asshole 😡-

-fought with a homophobic protestor once and grabbed a random girl and kissed her while people cheered in the background-

-most defentily one of those girlfriends who pulls you into a kiss by the collar roughly-

-doesn’t mind physical touch but sometimes it can be too much 😰-

-please if ur dating them don’t be upset when they say no to cuddles like cuddles to them is sitting side by side sort of huddled together, not body aganist body contact 😞-

-certified girlboss-

-paces around and tugs on their hair roughly when their annoyed or stressed out-

-loves the starbucks iced chai’s with oatmilk and sugar cookie syrup (boy that is litterally just desert)-

-married to the mango and white monster energy-

-horrible anixety when ordering food at a resturant or something like bro what 😧-

-doesn’t know how to wink-

-flinches and jumps really high when spooked out-

-also makes cringe or disgusted sounds when freaked out or shaken up-

-has a bitch resting face but doesn’t really care 🙏-

-doesn’t really like large groups of people but will go to a party if it’s absoutetly nesscasary-

-get’s werid shivers and jolts to her body due to her well-half mortal condition-

-if you hold his hands, his whole left side is warm and basically a human identical. but his right side is unaturally pale and discolored and abosutetly freezing-

-gets a shit-ton of body aches like headaches, fatigue, tiredness-

-constantly cracking some bone in his body like bc it FUCKING HURTSSSSS?!!-

-motherfucker flipped off someone while on a misson and almost died-

-croncially dense-

-likes sweet creamer unaturally amount-

-defentily gets alot of hyperfixations-

-collects crystals and maps 😮-

-an absoutetle history nerd espically greek and roman history ☠️-

-sweats alot when put under pressure what can i say they aren’t good under pressure (me fr)-

-has slight anger issues but nothing too bad-

END

[hannahhook7744]

Not a ask, but please do a rant on Lonnie's inconsistent family.

Okay, so we all know that her parents are Mulan and Li Shang. So why the fuck is disney so werid about her dad being Li Shang?

Like in some areas, it will just list her fucking mom and not her dad. Which makes no sense since the other characters who's parents are both known always have both of them listed. Yet disney keeps being werid and dumb and just doesn't put his name down.

Like I know the sequels aren't canon but A) everyone ignores that rule and B) they were practically together at the end of the first Mulan movie. He showed up to her house looking for her. They were all over eachother looking at eachother with doe eyes. They were basically together.

Everyone knows it. And their older kid is literally named Li Shang Jr (which is a stupid ass name considering there are way too many juniors running around and since I heard it's apparently disrespectful in their culture to name a child after their parents).

So why do they act so fricking werid about it?

Also why aren't her grandparents and great grandma not mentioned? Why isn't Mushu and Crikee and little brother mentioned? Because as far as I'm aware they weren't?

And also apparently Mulan and Shang's 3 war buddies haven't met Lonnie? Apparently She hasn't met the child of Yao? Like, yeah, no. I don't buy that. They survived a war together and continued to work together. They cross dressed together. And those who cross dress together stick together.

Lonnie's family situation in descendants is just werid and frustrating in general. Then again I guess that's what fanfiction is for. To straighten out frustrating things like this. Still frustrating though.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Will Blue Moon Bella be a better parent than Breaking Dawn Bella?

Anon is referring to Blue Moon, a story where readers are very upset I ended it where I did and that I'm not writing a sequel.

Which means this post contains spoilers, so heads up for that.

Of note, at the end of the story, Bella and Carlisle have fled to Volterra for sanctuary/advice and the Cullens have fallen apart. Bella will presumably give birth there where her child will be put under observation to see whether it's a danger to the secret. Presumably, the child will pass with flying colors (as Renesmee herself did/would have).

And even though I notably did not give this child a name or a gender in the fic, for the sake of my own sanity in this post, we're going to name him Charlisle.

A Note On The Weirdness of The Kid's Environments (Outside of Bella)

First, as a note, both these kids are going to have a very weird and isolated upbringing.

In Renesmee's case, there's a lot going on in her life that's not Bella related. She was born in extreme adversity, with her father actively seeking her demise (her super duper babysitter too for that matter), and after her birth faces the threat of execution by the literal boogey men for the mere crime of existing.

During this time she's punted into a sex cabin with her parents, her dad is calling Jacob her future husband, her parents pay very little to no attention to her, everyone thinks she's going to die very soon due to her rate of growth, and things just keep getting weirder.

Bella's a part of that, but she's part of a gran scheme of the weridness that is Renesmee's life.

Charlisle has similar (if different) things going on.

He, similarly during the pregnancy, faces adversity and is born into a world where his mother had to flee her home lest she be torn apart by spirit warriors or forcibly aborted by her ex-fiancee (who was his father's adopted son). He's born into a world where he's told up front (by Caius, all the time) that if he fucks up he's going to die and that he will be sequestered in Volterra for the immediate future.

He grows up in an underground palace of immortals, many of whose cultures don't even exist in epic poetry anymore, and is even more cut off from modern culture and humans in general than Renesmee is (in those years where she can't attend high school).

Now, I imagine Carlisle and Aro reassure Charlisle that he's doing great, that execution is a very extreme measure and one that doesn't look at all like it'll be necessary, but this is going to make a kid who's a lot less individualistic/more pragmatic than modern American culture usually breeds.

What About Bella?

I think Bella will be a better parent in Blue Moon. She's on the planet Earth, for one thing. This means no sex cabin where her child's in the next room over, no handing her child over to Jacob for imprinting fun, no seeming to forget her child even exists at times. Bella sacrificed everything for this kid and I imagine she's going to try very hard.

That said, she's very young, has no idea what she's doing, and her life has turned upside down. However, she has Carlisle around to help her out, which is infinitely more useful than having Edward around to help her out.

So, yeah, she does a better job than Breaking Dawn Bella.

[princess-of-the-corner]

I've been rewatching MLB from the beginning for fic writing purposes, I just got to Origins, and it feels like Origins retconned a lot of things from the rest of S1.

Like, there a a bunch of things Origins says that don't feel like they were actually part of the story when the rest of S1 was being written.

Like Chloe being Marinette's long-time bully and Marinette having no friends bc of that. Origins says that's what it was like the years before, but what the rest of S1 actually showed made me think that Chloe was just the class's resident jerk who took things too far on occasion,and that she and Marinette had been sort-of rivals for awhile.

And Alya saying Nino was like a brother to her in Animan always made me think 'childhood friends', not 'shes the new kid'

There are a bunch more, but I don't have time to list all of them rn

Is this just me? Or is this just the first signs of MLB's bad writing bleeding through into the best season before going off the rails?

Yeah it's. It's a little funky.

I don't want to be mean spirited and call it actual bad writing. A lot of shows can have some weridness in the first season because things are still kinda shifting on the plans for character dynamics and even some plot points. So

But yeah it is. It is a bit weird.

Yeah honestly with the Chloé thing.... In Orgins she's depicted as more of the proper Alpha Bitch who can boss everyone around. She says jump, they ask how high? Everyone is scared of her.

The rest of the season? No one's really scared of her. She'll do some shit, people snark back. Some more than others tbh.

Speaking of the 'like a brother' thing.... Origins states that Adrien and Chloé are childhood friends, and that they're still close because Chloé knows about Adrien's plan to get into school and tbh probably helped him since his name is on the roster. But the rest of the time they seem like strangers.

Alya and Marinette in general seem a lot more close and like they've known each other for a while, despite it being maybe a few weeks.

Kim is actually kind of an asshole. Like, look. I love my himbo. But he was kind of a bully and was on Chloé's side and like. In love with her.

There's all the timeline nonsense. Like how long Emilie has been missing or how old the characters are.

Wayzz is able to sense when someone is using the Miraculous, which never comes up again.

It's all a little funky.

And again. I don't think of it as 'bad writing'. Or at least not all of it. Because most shows suffer from this.

That said it's interesting to fuck around with.

[you-and-me-always-forever]

HUGE WARNING!! PLEASE READ

UPDATE, PLEASE REBLOG!!

A kind blog bythe name @erin-gilberts has given this reblog with information and seems to cleared up the air about the blog below. I'll do my best to summary but please check the reblog from Erin-gilberts as it's much worded better.

Overall, the person who seems to own the blog is a mirror, and the drawn art is a lean to family, the lady in these videos isnt associated with the blog either and seems to be famous for reactions (but isnt reacting to the stolen art). The photoshops may be due to strange shipping with themselves with these characters but uses young actors to convey that. Do not send hate this persons way as they are just a minor! Just block if you're uncomfortable, do not harass them.

I wanna apologies if I caused any panic or hate sent this persons way, I am also a minor and was very shocked at what i found and rushed a bit to conclusions. Though adult-kid shipping is no joke nor need to be pushed aside here it's good at least this isn't an adult running this account. Again a great thank you for those who did help out a bit with translations and dig work.

Small note: I'm sorry for lack of censoring and work in this post as I was in a hurry to get it out, if I run across another blog I'll make sure to try my best and dig further in before put a warning post out.

Be safe guys!

Below the read more is the original warning post/ there is a lack of censoring so be careful reading and seeing some of the adult-kid suggestive frist image!

Sorry if this isnt good, I've never done post like these, but there is a blog who's been showing up in the tags making edits of the Ghostbusters team with kevin (aka the home alone kid). This blog is @/alexissanchez3367174

Now it doesnt sound bad on paper, but when I looked deeper into this blogs context, I found this.

This is fucking gross, and if it's a joke, it's not funny. As a minor myslef and those on here, this is gross and uncomfortable. Looking more into this persons context it's all adult with kids, not as bad as post above but considering it, i get really bad undertones.

They have some werid intrest with Russel and Charlie, and maybe Ray and Kevin. They do steal content for video from others as Spengy, Stanzy, Dioinabag, and inculed me and more, using our pictures in videos of a recurring women reacting to them and speaking I belive Spanish, I'm asumming the women is the person who owns the blog, but I could be wrong.

I dont say we send this perosn death threats nor horrible things but block and report them at best. I'm uncomfortable with the feel these edits give me, they are red flags so I will be blocking as stated before. Thats all I have, if you look up this blog you'll see there isnt alot but starnge undertones, so you can really come up to your own conclusion and choice to make, to everyone here, be safe.

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

August 5th, 2021

    I havent really been able to update this blog cause ive been super super busy. I really thought that after he left i would have all this free time to like be in myself and my emotions and hang out with chris more. However it feels like ive been busier? Maybe its because ive been back at working in the office? I also had a passing thought that i made all this time to hang out with him, but he actually made the same effort to hang out with me just as much. Which is probably why Chris and i arent mashing up that well. It feels like Chris just wants to do what he wants to do and it even feels like he doesnt listen to me as much as he would him. Which i find kind of annoying, but it is what it is. I am a women, not that i completely blame that aspect of it but it certainly has felt that way.       Im finally retaking my drivers test on wednesday! i can not believe how easy this entire process has been, like im so mad at my past self for being so lazy. I was actually talking to julio recently about my past self and he kept on saying that i was being mean to her. I dont think he understands that im not being “mean” to myself, but im being accountable for my poor behavior before. She took so many things for granted and im glad that chapter of my life is over.          Im constantly having to restructure my old/ poor behavior / bad habits. Im rehabilitating her, and coddling her is enabling her to think its okay to fall back. To give her an excuse that her reaction is appropriate?  That because life is hard that means i get to halt so everything also has to wait? Thats clearly not going to happen. So im glad my health has been more important to me and that i am finally getting my shit together.       So lets talk about the good thngs that have happened lately! I met this cute soul!! Her name is Bizzy and i think shes cute as fuck and i love where her head is at in life. Man shes my age! but she has a kid, so i wonder if thats why she has more of her shit  together cause i for certainly do not! she has a kid, a dog, got a new car i wish i was better at being and adult but its okay cause im growing myself too! I constantly compaire myself to everyone and I need to stop doing that so often. Its so werid making friends as an adult cause like..... Meeting new girls is werid LOL but its so rare to meet such a sweetheart ahhhhh!!! i hope she isnt fake af but i didnt get that vibe from her, she seems super super nive i lvoe 

[waterlilly549]

let's talk about she-ra

let me just start off by saying that this is not meant to call anyone dumb for liking this show nor am I trying to get people to stop watching this show because to be honest there is a lot of things I like about the show too but I want to have a healthy discussion about what I've been seeing in cartoons lately. what I've been seeing these shows do is put in lgbt+ characters and relationships, body positivity, and physically/ magically strong female characters (as they should) and then not doing these innovative, real characters justice. before you ask yes I've seen she ra seasons 1 and 2 and ill probably watch 3 because after hearing about entrapdak I've decided I need to see it, but I just feel like she ra has so much potential and it just falls through when it comes to writing and plot. one of my least favorite episodes is when everyone is sitting outside a horde infested base and these QUEENS. literal queens running a country are fucking around and when Adora says to stop because they need a plan to get the base back they fuckin tell her “No! we don’t need a plan in this war that killed so many people that all our kingdoms decided to end the war on the horde! we just need to believe!”. this is really not a good idea. I know this is a kids show but i feel like they can still add a level of seriousness to this war-torn situation. children are not stupid that they can't handle this stuff or we shouldn't expect seriousness to be written in a “kids show”.

 this episode ends with the base being taken back no problem as it always does. the problem with this is that the horde does not look like the big bad evil that its talked about to be. in the episode with whats her face who controls plants (sorry i cant remember her name in the heat of writing), her citizens end up fighting the horde and winning so easily. when you look at the episode they are beating them with leaves and they defeat them in a matter of seconds. it just makes the horde look not so scary and instead of making the flower people seem strong and make the audience satisfied that they found their strength it just makes the horde look weak and like a joke which takes away from the satisfaction

my other issue is with frosta. I feel like frosta would have been my favorite had they kept with her “mature for her age” persona. the switch to a dumb child who couldn't take anything seriously and be overzealous about beating monsters even though she valued safety and keeping the peace in the last episode. i would have loved to see the show address her issue with being forced to mature fast and take on a ton of responsibility as a child. I would have loved to see her struggle and grow with the understanding that this war robbed her of her childhood and maybe she would even struggle to understand what it meant to be a kid. she could have struggled with shutting off the queen persona, unknowing how to be a kid and to relax, maybe even have glimmer show her how to act her age and that its ok to not be serious all the time, but that's not what happened.

I also wish that they did more with the fact that Adora is from the horde and has knowledge and skills from that time. she was going to be a force captain and knew their battle strategies. I would love to see how cunning and battle savvy she is from training all her life to be a soldier. I would love to see her switch into battle mode out of the instinct of knowing what to do. I would also love to see her struggle more with the changes or her new life. not just struggling to sleep alone in a puffy bed, but struggle to understand what people do outside training for war. she may also have issues relaxing. we also see that she had never seen a horse before, let's expand on that! I also want to see where her insecurities of failing come from. I know she feels she failed catra but shadow weaver has been building up Adora all her life. shes always the best and was going to be a captian. she should feel confident in her war strategies and battle abilities (in my personal opinion) I'm not saying she shouldn't feel insecure I just want it expanded upon more.

I have a lot more to say about dialog, other characters personalities, etc. but ill end on a good note. the best thing about this show is Catra. she's so real and so tragic. shes been abused her whole life, we see her imitate learned manipulative behavior from shadow weaver and use it against people. she has shown and proved to be a threatening villain unlike the rest of the horde. that scene where she keeps going to visit shadow weaver and shadow weaver shows affection towards her? perfection. you can see catra wanted that so bad. she wants sw to love and believe in her because she's the closest thing to a mother catra has and catra wants that connection. when sw betrays her it's so tragic and sad and REAL. it's serious, catras the most serious person in this whole series. so don't even give me the “well its a kids show sooo...” excuse because kids deserve good cartoons. this cartoon has so much potential but it's just not giving these lgb,t body-positive females what they deserve and thats a good show.

overall this is not an issue of disliking that she ra is not a sexy woman, or that I hate the “UneSEsarrY gAY RepReSenTation”. its that having lgbt people and different body types and #strongfemales. I just don't think we should applaud a fish for swimming and ignore that the pond is dirty (???werid analogy but I tried????) anyway let me know your thoughts. i would love to have a healthy discussion about this. I am not trying to anger or put down anyone who supports this show I just feel strongly about this topic and would like to share it with my community and hear what they think. thank you.

[yespoetry]

Caitlin Scarano: There Is No Ending

I know we’re all sick of poems with deer but let me explain

 Last night: a forest of hospital beds

 I want to ask all these strangers: do you ever think every day you’re getting closer to your death or do you wake in the morning with hope crusted in the corner of your eyes, your teeth already grinning at the air?

 Grief is a very complex machine, it told me so itself, a matrix

that takes years

A.     to navigate

B.      from you like teeth

 Dear J, I have a few acres all to myself now, you should see them

 I’m sorry you had to turn so many stones

while I looked on at a careful distance

 The male human heart at age 36

Who knew, I guess

 It’s true that I didn’t mind the horses starving outside my window, as long as they

            came when called, as long as they were gentle with their teeth

            I mean, I had many apples going to rot, what else could I have done

 I read about how the water in Lake Superior is replaced every 191 years

 Remember the spot where I dove under and was rolled by a wave and for a moment I did not know what was up or down, what was past or present, you or⁠—

 That winter, the lake froze, trace lines of cracks in the ice colliding, the fractures in my body all met

 In another dream, you’re in front of me⁠—solid, tangible, with a dark beard and corduroy pants

I ask you about dying and he you say, Let’s go to this city I know

Then you disappear into a tangled forest and I follow, stumbling, ripped by thorns

 You’re always just out of reach, always just turning the next corner

 Remember those children we watched while we ate ice cream on that green bench in Sault Saint Marie? Silly

            that isn’t my favorite memory of you, not by far but it’s the one I keep

coming back to

 I took it so I should have wanted it

But the sugar made my teeth ache

 Every memory is two-sided, like that day we lay in the grass watching ships pass through the lochs

Distance is deceptive

It was sunny, the photos you took prove it

            But the wind⁠—

 Or the wind and the rain that day we met at the lighthouse, you wore a black sweater, I hadn’t seen you

            in years, you looked younger, time doing its mirror trick

 The scene draws us

We weren’t ghosts but we were

both adrift, though only one of us knew it

 When I reach the city you spoke of, it’s been abandoned for decades

 Every memory is two-sided, like the time you were driving and the Jeep hit

black ice and spun out

Like the time I was driving and my car died as we coasted down hill

 In a human dream, electric blue hydrozoan creatures blossom in the Superior’s deepest water

 Every memory is two-sided, and nothing is mine to claim

 I run these dirt trails near my house, I think of you, I touch my chest, count my breaths

One day I came upon this mother dear and two fawns, they were tiny, spotted, legs so ready to give out but they did not give out

 J, you should have seen them

  Generational, Domestic

 I drink from the cup that made me

before blood congeals across the top.

 Touch the muscles of your back

while you sleep. What does cruelty express?

 A fear so deep it creates its own

gravity, the world pours in around

 the rim. Despite how light clawed, it could not

get out⁠—not after, not from within. I live by a river

 and dream of living by another river. Throw my baby

teeth into it like coins in a well. Wish and watch

 water pass, think of how it bows and braids,

think of the circulatory system, nervous

 birds on loop. My niece appears in a dirt-stained

dress holding yellow zinnias as they blossom

 and rot, blossom and⁠—Does movement remind you

of death or escape? When you bite the inside

 of my thigh, what memory of violence 

unfurls like a seed? Generational, domestic. Your mother

 tells you she prays for us and I swallow

it whole like a duck egg. A blue mud wasp

 taps against my window, where its always

been. While we sleep, bindweed inches up

 the walls and ceiling. Coils around the lamps.

Tomorrow, we’ll eat the heads of morning.

 A Litany of Dreams You May Borrow

 The one where I pick sunlight off my skin like scales or sequins

 Or I have a boy’s torso and a jaw

that doesn’t lock when I start to laugh

 Any of the dreams with snakes or my mother trapped in a radiator vent

            because they spring from the same well

 My little sister and I are teenagers again, still speaking to each other, and she climbs a sugar maple and never comes back

 The ones where rain comes through the roof but not the ones where it is snowing in my room

 S. and I still live together but a gray horse circles the house, starving

No one names it

 My father is in a hospice bed, holding up his rot-dappled organs one by one

as offerings to me

 The cow pasture

where I’m in a wedding dress carrying a pitcher of his blood

 B. and I are back on the beach at night and she kisses me except this time ocean is made of milk and sweet

 No one invents sin so we sun ourselves on the rooftop

 Any dream of my grandfather⁠—that skull for a face, the parrot watching on, the white sheet and long fingernails

            In fact, you may keep them, convince yourself there is a lesson

 The dream where the brakes gave out

The dream where the brakes gave out

 His head is in my lap and the window is open even though it is January outside

 A war between nations of men takes place in my mother’s dining room

            My sisters and I watch from beneath a table

 Those you can leave: any dream where he says my name

aloud or his mouth is against my hair, any dream

where the dead forgive

 The first girl I loved asking Are you sure you don’t know me? until she disappears

 The whole room slants and I fall from the bed to the wall as if the house is trying to shake me from itself like a parasite

 The dream I had after S. found the knife I hid beneath the nightstand

 The one where I saw our sons using sticks as swords, their mouths yellow

and chose not to have them

 The first gentle boy from my childhood is back and we are in love

 When the church burns down and my sisters and I are blamed

 The one where what I love is not unwell, not in need at all, so I shrink to the size of a kitchen ant and crawl away

 My mother is my daughter and when she speaks, hummingbirds fill her mouth like arrows

 The one where I actually forgive him and he leans back then, rests his eyes, says

            There is no ending

  Alessandra sends me two pictures of her son eating his first strawberry

 while I’m home alone reading about central sleep apnea because this morning Calvin woke me up at 5AM by rubbing my back because (he said) I kept holding my breath and he is afraid (but doesn’t say) that I might stop breathing all together. On our jog today Cara told me that she’s going to try dating again and there isn’t much out there so she’s meeting a corporate lawyer all the way in Seattle for lunch on Thursday. Part of me is jealous—to get to meet strangers that you might have sex with or raise a puppy with is to feel very specifically alive right? The internet says I cannot suffocate in my sleep. I have this one memory of when I’m four or five and my father is sitting in the tub and I just let myself in to the bathroom and ask him how often he clipped his toenails and he laughs like kids are so fucking werid and says and said Maybe once a week? When we can’t stop worrying about each others deaths this is how I know we need each other. I can’t remember Alessandra’s baby’s name even though I met him once when we were in Portland. I don’t want children but one time on a long drive I imagined a three or four year old kid in the backseat of my Subaru asking me smart and weird kid questions and me giving honest answers and developing this whole lifelong relationship with a human like there is a way to never be lonely. I was startled by a sound but it wasn’t really a sound just a door closing in my body. I didn’t tell Calvin about it. Instead we talked about our little sisters and how we’re scared for them. The internet says my brain will panic and wake me up. I tell him I want him to confide in me but what do you say to I have a very real fear that the next time I hear about her it could be that she’s dead. I get it at least somewhat—what it means to see a boat drifting away from you. The last time I saw M she was more angry than any person I can remember it was like being beside a live wire I wasn’t sure if I could speak if I could even ask her if she was okay without making her not okay like the whole world is made of string and it can unravel if you say or even think the wrong thing. I don’t think there is a way to never be lonely. In the pictures the baby’s fingers are red and his laughing and sitting on a checkered picnic blanket and it looks like real summer in Wisconsin. I don’t really want to date strangers again. Everyone good I’ve found I still don’t know how I kept them. Some days I don’t want him to leave the house for fear of what might happen next. I remember when M and I were little she was hardly ever mad just withdrawn and we were there like two islands beside each other never really able to say what we meant or needed and now my mother calls me and she’s just painted the trim in the living room mountain air white and she starts to cry thinking about thirty years in the house where she raised us that she wants to sell and I say You haven't left yet and she says I’m already gone. Calvin just texts his sister now even though he knows he won’t get a response and I imagine those messages floating in a black void with stars because it all goes somewhere. I write back Don't you wish you could remember your first strawberry? The interest promises me I’ll take another breath.

 The mountain has no childhood to speak of

 and no child to soothe. Thought it might tell you something

of its formation, even though it does not remember.

 Or that there is no universally agreed upon definition

of a mountain. It would speak less about light

 and ascension and more about its insides. I have veins,

the mountain would say, a circulatory system of sorts

 but no organs. The mountain would predict your disappointment.

It would refuse your offer for a brain and a heart. Knowledge

 and loneliness, the mountain would explain, pass from sky

to water to stone. Mountain embodies strangeness, thus has no notion

 of strangeness. Mountain understands destination.

It has been desired. It knows you

 think it’s trapped; that it has never left and will never leave.

But, if we let it speak, it would tell you: I have touched

 every corner and crevice of this carved valley. Has seen so much

come and go⁠—loon, kingfisher, lynx. The people that

 tried to erase people. Mountain has hounded

wander. But will have nothing to say about hunger.

 If you sit with it long enough, mountain might admit, I am afraid

of dying. Of the slow wearing, the slow away. Wind and water.

 Mountain will teach you a word that means both companion

and destroyer. Though it does not sleep, mountain dreams,

 of being ripped out by the roots. Mountain wonders

if mountains bleed.

Caitlin Scarano is a poet based in northwest Washington. She holds a PhD in English (creative writing) from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and an MFA in Poetry from the University of Alaska Fairbanks. She was selected as a participant in the National Science Foundation’s Antarctic Artists & Writers Program. Her debut collection of poems, Do Not Bring Him Water, was released in Fall 2017. Her work has appeared in Granta, Best New Poets, Best Small Fictions, Carve, and Colorado Review. You can find her at caitlinscarano.com

[jusadode-blog]

:0 whats the tea?

I don’t know which tea you’re referring to but I’m having an emotional breakdown over vocaloid so I’m dumping vocaloid tea. Huge rant below.

The year is 2012, the vocaloid community is in a weird phase. V3 has been out and going steady for a bit, and a lot of the fans are demanding remakes rather than new vocaloids. The exploration of new languages is a new trendy thing in V3, however, people are mainly demanding remakes of lesser-known V2′s and even underappreciated V1′s. Miki is a popular candidate, as she has a stable fanbase, a decent voice, and her design is manifique, however, many companies are currently popping out new vocaloids who are beginning to grow individualized fandoms of their own. The big 5 (or 6 or 7 depending on if you include Luka and/or Gakupo in the major leagues) are getting their V3′s, but there’s a definitive copy-cat style going on of the big 5 with a lot of the newer vocaloids. However, someone new comes into the fray.

The greatest vocaloid in the history of mankind has just been released. The beautiful, the one and only Aoki Lapis, has graced the world with her perfect demo, her perfect design, and her perfect name. Her voice is crafted like that of an angel, and she is ready for all your basic vocaloid needs. She can sing cute, happy songs. She can sing painful, sad songs. Her voice is like that of a lonely puppy, ready to make or break your heart at a moments notice. Will she smile? Will she cry? The choice is up to the fans. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FUCKING DID?

THEY IGNORED HER.

FUCKING INSTEAD, A YEAR OLD VOCALOID WHICH HAD NO FUCKING FANBASE UP UNTIL THAT POINT DECIDED TO START PICKING UP PACE.

Tone Rion, WHO’S INITIAL FANDOM WAS COMPRISED OF MANY FUCKING LOLICONS [aka PEDOPHILES] DUE TO HER FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY CHILDISH YET SEXUALIZED OUTFIT, started gaining traction despite her initial rocky start, ENDED UP WITH A LONG-STANDING FANDOM WHO STILL PRODUCE MUSIC TO THIS FUCKINGDAY. And I mean HER FACE IS EXACTLY LIKE FUCKING KAAI YUKI, A FUCKING KINDERGARTEN AGE VOCALOID. Tone Rion sounded so fucking bland, so fucking generic. Her voice is like that of if you put a hundread different fem vocaloid voices through a neural network and made it produce one of it’s own. It’s so fucking bland and has no emotion in it, AND YET GUSSS FUCKING WHAT?!?

SHE GET’S A FUCKING V4, AND THEY REDO HER WHOLE DESIGN BECAUSE THE WERID SEXUALIZED SCI-FI MAGICAL GIRL KID WITH TIDDY WINDOWS WAS KINDA A BAD IDEA. NOW SHE HAS A SUPER FUCKING CUTE DESIGN AND A NEW (IMRPOVED) VOICE BUT YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO AOKI???

SHE’S FUCKING DEAD, SHE HAS NO FANDOM. SHE HAS NO SONGS. THE ONLY SHIT SHE GET’S IS FUCKING COVERS AND TO WORK WITH OTHER VOCALOIDS. MERLI COULDN’T EVEN SAVE HER ASS, AND HONESTLY I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW MERLI GOT FUCKING RELEASED BY HOW LITTLE THE COMMUNITY PICKED HER UP.

They did my fucking girl SO WRONG.

So yeah, FUCK TONE RION. FUCK ALL HER INITIAL FANS. And FUCK EVERYONE WHO LEFT AOKI TO DIE.

IT’S 20 GODDAMN 19 WHY IS TONE RION POPPING UP IN MY GODDAMN YOUTUBE FEEDS?!!? I DON’T WANT THIS SHIT.

Especial shoutouts to FUCKING MEW, WHO Y’ALL FUCKING ALSO DROPPED LIKE A DEAD RAT, Cul (who’s fanbase was actually pretty solid for a while but fizzled out), and finally Galaco and Chika who everyone seems to have forgotten existed despite some somewhat proficient producers using her.

Also I’m still bitter Miriam wasn’t as loved as she should have been. It’s like everyone forget’s she ever existed.

SO YEAH THAT’S THE TEA. FUCK TONE RION’S NEW V4. Apparently she’s been out for a year but I just hadn’t of paid enough attention while scrolling away apparently.

ONE MORE THING SINCE THIS HAS ALL JUST BEEN ABOUT MY HATE ON V3:

Y’ALL FUCKERS DIDN’T PICK UP SACHIKO ENOUGH FROM V4. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL SHE SOUNDS SO GODDAMN AUTHENTIC?!?!? Like GODDAMN Sachiko is fucking god-tier like Aoki and y’all sleeping on her. HER BOX ART? GREAT. HER VOICE? GREAT. HER EMOTION, HER EVERYTHING??? FUCKING ON POINT. She’s got that rougher, deeper voice y’all loved about Luka, BUT LOO KWHAT YOU DID TO HER. Y’ALL LEFT HER FOR DEAD. Sachiko is EONS ahead of Luka in terms of rough, deep vocals, and god she sounds so fucking realistic because of it. It makes her emotion in depressing songs or creepy songs SO MUCH BETTER.

[Please note I’m angry at the community as a whole, and not individualized people and you should not feel in any way responsible for my anger. It is not your duty as a fan of something to show appreciation for lesser known characters or aspects of it. The vocaloid fandom, however, has a trend of picking up lesser-quality vocaloids in favor of the more robotic voices. Look at fucking SONIKA, one of the worst vocaloids to date MECHANICALLY WISE, NOT EVEN JUST VOCAL WISE, with her strong fandom and usage. And yes, the power of a producer using lesser-quality vocaloids and still making jams with them is a testimate to their skill, but it’s still painful to see the fans in turn also pick up said vocaloids because they want to be like their favorite producers rather than experiment with something new.

I used Maika fans as a example of “unproblematic fans” as most Maika songs are from Spanish! Vocaloid community, who really don’t have enough vocaloids to start discourse about lol. The only real discourse I saw on the spanish vocaloids was from the English and Japanese communities, who were super fucking shitty on Bruno and Clara but for ~some reason~ loved Maika. Honestly, Spanish Vocaloid community I’m so sorry y’alls first vocaloids went through such a hard time. Hope y’all get more vocaloids soon, y’all are such an awesome fanbase and I see y’all with all the subs you guys make. Keep being loud! Be seen! They’ll remember you’re a epic market!

Please note most of my critique is on the English vocaloid community, however also partially on the Japanese vocaloid community. It is very common for English producers to use non-english voice banks, however there’s a definitive trend to it all I hate. The Japanese vocaloid community is a lot harder for me to critique, however as a consumer of both english and japanese community creations I can fucking say that both of y’all assholes left my favs to die.]

TLDR: Tone Rion was initially a loli-bait style character who was made as if a mix between “robot magical girl” Miku, and Kaai Yuki with one of the most generic voices to date, but managed to get a V4 (and a VERY WELL NEEDED redesign I actually approve of as it’s more just to look cute rather than to be creepy) and a steady community while my fav Aoki just was thrown away and not even the underground community picked her up enough. I will reinterate here though, most Tone Rion fans now are not creeps. They’re just digging the cute remake of a vocaloid they may have some kind of nostalgia for just because they were hyped for all the new V3′s coming out at the time. Like, modern Tone Rion fans I’m more jealous of you rather than angry at you. Old fashion Tone Rion fans (especially those who didn’t like her new design) can go choke, that was a shit-tier design and she had an awful voice. Her new one is actually not bad, but still pretty dead in comparison to our lovely Lapis.

I will say a reason that most vocaloids “die” is caused by fans liking producers who make funky songs, and then buy  the same vocaloids of their favorite songs to mimic their producers rather than to explore new vocaloids. This leads to a cycle, ultimately leaving barely any room for new vocaloids to be explored. If a popular producer doesn’t pick up a vocaloid, or even if they did but didn’t utilize them enough (often because the vocals don’t mix well with their style or because the mechanics behind the voice are shit. Despite Circus-P getting a copy of Galaco she still died pretty hard, and she actually had a pretty alright voice and cute design. I think that one Yandere-style lolita-fashion vocaloid, can’t remember her name despite loving her, also beat her in popularity as she’s still being used quite decently.), and so that vocaloid’s popularity will be almost nothing.

Also my fav V4, Sachiko, was also discarded despite her BEAUTIFUL voice and design, because of her extremely rough voice not fitting the ~cutsy~ style of most vocaloid fans. For fucks sakes she’d be perfect for the Hagane fandom but we’re pretty fucking dead right now. Not even Yandere! vocaloid fandom picked her up and that’s such a disappointment man.

Thanks for stopping in for the tea anon! Hope you have a lovely day :D

[pastelgaykid22]

That Time Of The Year❤💛💚💙💜

Eddie, Stan, and Bill: all to gay to function

Bev and Richie: bisexual disasters (aka me)

Mike and Ben: super sweet and supportive straight friends

Not edited so expect mistakes

No POV

Dating

♡

Eddie's eyes widen when he sees the street full of different flags and decorations all up and down the street. He's never been to a pride parade before so Richie, being the amazing boyfriend he is, dragged him and his friends to one in NYC this year.

It was amazing and Eddie felt like a kid going to Disneyworld. He smiles and grabs Richie's arm jumping up and down like a child. "This is so frickin cool!!"

Richie giggles and kisses Eddie's cheek softly. "I knew you'd love it."

Eddie smiles and looks at his friends that are all wearing the colors of their flags like Bev told them. 'It'll make it funner.' Where her exact words actully. Then he looks back at Richie, god it felt amazing that they can finally be themselves without being judged.

Eddie quickly got on his tippy toes and kisses Richie sweetly pulling him closer by his collar. "I love you so much."

"I love you too baby."

...

And that's how most of the day went. Reddie was being shown off to the whole world and even caught by a Bev's Polaroid camera a few million times. And everything was going great. Everyone was happy and it was just perfect.

They pull up to Eddie's house and Richie quickly delivers the punch line to his joke before he gets out to walk Eddie to the door.

"Then the pan said" Richie clears his throat and does on of his werid voices that sound strangely like an old British guy. "Actually I perfure PANsexual."

Bev giggles and pushes him outta the car. "Pansexal doesn't mean you fuck pans dumbass."

"Well no shit Bevvie that would be werid. Like your making food and you get horny just from touching the pan." Richie giggles then fake moans. "Oh god burn me again you dirty, dirty pan."

Everyone dies of laughter as Eddie giggles and pulls Richie away from the car and toward his house not letting go of his hand once they get to the door. He turns to face Richie instead and takes his other hand so he's now holding them both. "I had an amazing day."

"So did I." Richie smiles his glasses slightly falling.

Eddie giggles and let's go of his hands fixing his glasses for him, then places his hand on his boyfriends chest. "I wish everyday could be like this. Just be ourselves without judgement. I fucking hate this town cause no one understands."

Richie smiles and lifts Eddie's hand and kisses his knuckles one by one. "Maybe one day sweet heart. But right now I just think this town just isn't ready for all this. They would never shut up about us. We would be the best couple in the world. We would get awards and go to special parties. Cause we're just that perfect." Richie smiles and lightly kisses Eddie's neck.

Eddie giggles and lightly pushes Richie back. "Stop it they're watching." Eddie feels his cheeks get hot as Richie starts to make a small mark on his neck.

"Good." Richie smirks and goes back to marking his boyfriend.

"Get a room!" Is all Stan yells from the car.

Richie finishes his sloppy little hicky and flips Stan off. "Well I guess I better get going."

"Yeah I guess so." Eddie smiles and kisses Richie one last time. "See ya tomorrow 'Chee."

Eddie gets his key to open the door as he hears Richie yell at the losers as he goes to the car. "Did you hear that?! He called me 'Chee. I swear I'm dating I living wet dream."

Eddie giggles and opens the door slipping inside the house taking his shoes off as soon as he gets in. He looks in the living room to thankfully see his mother asleep. He runs upstairs and lays on his bed with a smile and before he knew it he was asleep.

...

'You're sick Eddie bear! He's made you think you're sick! You shouldn't love a man!! And out of everyone on earth you chose Tozier!?!?! I'm decusted that I ever called you my son!! If I ever see you two together again I'll kill you! Both of you!!'

Eddie quickly jolts awake, and doesn't even notice the body laying next to him. He was out of breath. The world was spinning and everything was blurry. Is this what Richie sees without his glass? Eddie doesn't even notice the soothing rubs on his back until the fimlar voice brakes his thoughts.

"In and out Eds. Just take deep breathes. In and out. There we go all better right?"

Eddie looks next to him to see Richie. He didn't remember when he got here but he was so glad he was here right now. Eddie basically jumped into Richie's arms and started sobbing.

"Whoa, what happened babe? Was it a bad dream? Are you ok? Do you need anything?" Richie was never good at comforting people I mean he was good up until the point where he had to do stuff other then talk.

"Just keep holding me. That's all I want." Eddie found it so hard to say those word even though he's said them many times before.

Richie lightly smiles and holds Eddie as close as he can and lightly kisses him every once in a while whispering sweet words to him. "It was just a bad dream." "You're ok." "I'm right here ok, there's no need to worry. I got you."

After a few minutes of kisses and whispers Eddie finally told Richie what happened. "M-my mom was telling me she's gonna k-kill you. And she was saying that I shouldn't love men and that I was s-s-sick and-and-" Eddie chokes on his tears and collapses back into Richie's chest.

Richie just gently rubbed his back and shushed him softly. "It's ok baby. She can't hurt us."

"But what if she does?" Eddie looked up at Richie his eyes red from crying so much and his lip pouted.

Richie's heart broke seeing him like this. "I won't let her." Richie kisses Eddie passionately, and that was all he needed to be convinced.

He also remembered why Richie was there.

There was a soft knock on Eddie's window. Of course the boy didn't hear it cause he was asleep so the knock was hurd again but this time louder. Eddie wake up running his eyes and yawning, going over to the window to see Richie smiling and waving at him. Eddie smiled and quickly opened the window letting Richie in. As soon as Richie got in he connected his lips with Eddie's.

"Hello to you too Richie." Eddie giggles against his lips.

Richie smiled and rested they're foreheads together and held Eddie by the hips. "I couldn't sleep with all the yelling so I came here cause your place is always quiet. Well unless you're mom is screaming my name all night long."

Eddie giggles and lightly punched Richie's chest. "Beep beep Richie."

Then they fell asleep after a few kisses and touches were shared.

And now they're here. Richie almost on top of Eddie as he giggled beneath him. "What if my mom sees us?"

"Then that would make this day even better."

Sure they couldn't show off in public but they were just fine with how things were. And who knows maybe a few years later the small homophobic town they lived in would finally realize that love is love no matter who your partner is and how that's the true beauty of the world we live in.

[deojoon]

pineapples

crossposted on ao3

mangos   dragon fruit   papayas

Summary:

how you and bts friendship works

Notes:

i accidentally deleted my paragraph here but basically i said enjoy the book. it’s sad cause i was sad writing it. this is a new series with asexual reader and best friend bts

to put it plain and simple you are weird. and you knew that but that didn’t stop you. even if you didn’t fit in with any of the kids at school or in your high school career you turned werider that didn’t stop you from being yourself.

well your favorite group of boys understand that and now try to give you what you need.

but the way you were feeling right now was a utterly and total mess. all because of a bitch named mother nature. to put it in lay mans terms you were on your period. but have no fear , the now experienced soldiers knows how to fight the battle

(unlike the first time)

everyone one also knows that you extra cuddly so it REALLY shouldn’t be a surprise when jeongguk came in to check on you and you practically jumped on him to say hi. ( which he also knew was a lie you really just wanted to smell and wrap your arms around him )

but yet you still manage to surprise him which makes everything else he had in his hands drop and his brain a mess. all because you wanted to touch him

’damn her touching fetish’ jeongguk thoughted

”KOOKIE MY BABY YOU CAME TO SEE AND LOVE ME” you screamed and you rubbed your head in the crook of his neck.

“y/n we go through this everytime at least wait until i’m inside to tackle me” jeongguk complained

”but bunny you do like my cuddles”you whimper

“of course i do pumpkin. but when i’m inside the house.” jeongguk said giggling

you had enough of the small talk and started dragging him to your room

”come on let’s  cuddle already” you whinned

jeongguk is still very shy around girls so he has a tendency of blushing very hard around you but he’s not as hesitant to be himself or so stuff for you  

as you guys get to your bed, jeongguk tries to just jump into your bed but you push him.

“i think your forgetting something mister” you say in exaggerated tone.

jeongguk sighed of course. he forgot that you had a no outside clothes in bed rule and prefer cuddles with skin contact. he strips of his clothes and complains

”this why you get a boyfriend to do these things. why am i doing it “

you looked at him and looked away

’fuck jeongguk you’re supposed to put her in a good mood not make it worse’ jeongguk thought

“but unfortunately i can’t feel and don’t have one now get into bed” you state coldly as you tucked yourself in.

“y/n i’m sorry. i really didn’t mean it. and it’s okay that you don’t have romantic feelings it makes you well you” jeongguk saids as he gets into bed and cuddles into you.

[you are asexual, which is another reason why the boys are so endearing towards you.]

“i know you didn’t mean it gukie can we nap now” you asked yawning.

_

when you woke jeongguk left. you layed in bed thinking for a while when someone knocked on your room door

“y/n can we talk another nap now” yoongi comes in rubbing his eyes making his to your bed

”yoongi i thought i was all alone. please don’t ever leave me” you start to tear up.

yoongi walks over and straddles your lap “if there’s one thing i can promise is that we’ll never. you will never feel like how you did in high school” yoongi saids as he stroke your cheek, wiping you tears away

[high school wasn’t a good time period for you. as much as you were werid people used that to there advantage. you ended up with fake friends.but still have the full high school experience just by yourself]

you wrap your arms around his torso and rub your hands against your skin, pulling him on top of you. “your mines no one else’s”

yoongi chuckles “other’s might disagree with that statement”

“yoonie your mines” you whine.

you two layed there in a comfortable silence until you fill spoke

“i’m sorry i’m so distracting , you even had to take time away from your day to care for me” you quiet state

yoongi turns over “you actually help me remember to take a break and i love caring for you  don’t ever think that”

you stare at the blank white ceiling you say softly “of course i know that i just need to be reminded sometimes you know. i can’t help but wonder why you guys care so much. why do y’all dedicate so much time to me.”

yoongi starts tracing your neck and chest “because you don’t ask for anything back you’re the type of person to keep giving until you nothing left but yet you find a way to still give some more. i just wanna protect you from the world. i don’t wanna let anyone else hurt you. so if we can at least do that then anything after that is minor”

you grab this thighs not like the serious tone of the conversation “ i really do love you yoonie”

yoongi jumped and groaned “ and your back to being yourself please just don’t go any higher”

you smile “thanks yoonie”

you both fell asleep holding each other and holding hands

-

you woke up to your room smelling like baked goods.

you walk out of your room quietly to seeinng hoseok and seokjin baking and cooking goods for you.

you start to tear up a bit and you see hoseok leaning again the counter.

“HOBI~” you screamed as you jumped on him for a hug. unlike the jeongguk hoseok loves a lot of affection.

“pumpkin~ how are you my sweetiepie” hoseok hugs back just as tightly

seokjin comes from around the corner “ so what about me” he pouts

you unwrapped yourself from hoseok and jumped on seokjin.

“hi jinnie” you said rubbing your face in his chest.

seokjin chuckes “we made some treats for you come and sit down”

you immediately let go and ran to the table. “mmkay”

both hoseok and seokjin brought over different things cookies,cupcakes and other sweet things.

you ate everything in a very good mood.

”thank you both so much.”

both smiled at you “no problem sweetie” hoseok said.

”it looks like it’s time for the next shift see you later cupcake” seokjin waves walking toward the door with hoseok

”WAIT” you run up to them as the brake their neck to stare and you. you jump up and give both a kiss on the cheek  

“make it home safely!” you said softly and excitedly

both chuckled and leaves

-

while you went to go pee you see jimin and taehyung sitting on the couch

as soon as you came out taehyung spotted you  

“y/n !”

he runs to you and picks you up  

“tae tae” you say giggling

”hi y/n” jimin said with the biggest eye smile  

“minie!” you say giggling  

tae drags you over to the couch becoming a sandwich between him and jimin

you become sleep but let it be known

”i love you guys very much” as you drift off

-

you find your self against a new body when you woke up. you look up to see namjoon reading a book. you slightly kiss his neck. “ joonie i missed you” you place your face  in between his neck

namjoon chuckles and rubs your head while kissing your forehead.

”i know your still sleepy go back to sleep, forget about any doubts and keep doing you. don’t worry about a thing babygirl. no matter what we love you “ namjoon softy saids.

yoy start tearing up “mmkay joonie. you just know the right things to say”

-

after a few more days your period was over and you went back into your normal routine. all thanks to the boys it went a lot smoother then normal.

Notes:

sorry for the rushed ending. i’ll edit this later but for now enjoy

[what-to-imagine-next]

So why I made this blog is to cope and rant and stuff

Yeah yeah I’m just a stupid teenager and my problems don’t ever really mean anything, especially when it comes to stupid high school drama, but I do have actual problems.

Here’s my stupid rant or what ever.

Two days ago I lost one of my best friends named Ahrlenny Wendy Hernandez, she was battling leukemia for little under two months, perhaps longer but that was when she was diagnosed, prior to that she had been in the hospital for a month ish due to having liver and gallbladder problems, she even got her gallbladder removed due to having stones. Anyways so she had missed out on a month of school and when she finally came back for little under two weeks, she was feeling extremely poor again. She went to the hospital and they did blood test after blood test after noticing an extremely low white blood cell count.

She called me and some of her our other friends in our chat and told us while crying that there was a massive chance of having leukemia. We reassured her and said it was unlikely and that if she did have it we would help her over come it and help her heal through out the entire process. The next evening, I get a group call in my a group chat with my little gang that included Wendy on snap chat. She is balling now, saying how she has it, Julianna and I once again reassured her that she would make it through this with us by her side over that call, then we told Sophia, Aileen and Raven that night, who then reached out to her to say the same as we did to her. We would help her heal, do cute stuff with her like videos for youtube about makeup and gossip and everything we could for her.

She started chemo, this was about a month and a half ago, maybe less. She was doing fine, the chemo wasn’t even making her sick nor throwup even. She even still had the energy to keep her streaks up the entirety of her poor health. She was texting us in the chat about doctor stuff. We would tell her the latest band drama and she would laugh or sass in a reply to what happened with us. It was simple enjoyable moments I should have paid more attention to.

We were told to tell certain friends in band about her having the leukemia, she didn’t want people to all know about it, whether fear of misjudgment or not wanting pity I’ll never really know. We told everyone we needed the very next school day. The day we told people, Aileen and I told people to make cards and such to give her when we were going to see her in the hospital for the first of two times. We got a white and purple orcid and two stuffed bear animals. But when we called the hospital that day after school she was in surgery for taking bone marrow out of her hip and we(Jacob, Aileen, my mother and I) decided to visit her the next day, though she said she wanted to see us either way. We wanted her to rest and promised it for tomorrow. We got an actualy card instead of some scratch paper, and had all the people who knew sign it to our best ability.

Aileen and I got picked up by my mom and we had the card, the flowers and the bears all with us in tale. We were excited to see her for the first time seeing for in about a week or two. We wanted to tell the tea irl now.

We got to the local hospital, asked for Ahrlenny Hernandez and put Aileen Martinez and Isabella Duncan for our visitors passes, though Aileen was Eileen and Martinez was Maritinez, but my name was spelt correctly haha.

We were then guided to Wendy’s room and go to see her cute, dumb, smiling face. Her Spanish only speaking family was there, her mother was talking to her sister, her Father was watching soccer on the TV and her little brother was as energetic as always. It seemed rather normal for them to be there.

We went over to Wendy gave her our gifts and our card, and one extra bad card that talked about being her plug from some kid in band once she got better, and for wendy to subscribe to his youtube channel. Werid plug but ight.

Anyways, it was pretty chill but Aileen and I were also pretty awkward around her family. We had fun, talked shit about some band kids, talked about what we would do after this all finished. Everything seemed so perfect, so calm, so hopeful.

I then got a text from my mom asking where we were as we had been in there for an hour, and she wanted to go home. We hugged Wendy goodbye for the second to last time ever. And went home. Then we kept texting in our snapchat groupchat, everything was going alright, chemo was doing it’s thing, it was looking up.

Three weeks later Aileen and I planned a sleepover on for February Second, where we planned to visit Wendy the next day and spend as much time as we could with her. We tried to bake cookies for her and her family, but at Aileens, she didn’t have butter, just this butter like spread, and no brown sugar just normal table sugar. We tried to make it work, but the batter cooked to odd for cookie like texture, so we tried to make two cookie loafs, the first one I messed up due to not baking it enough and the second one was pretty good if I do say so myself.

We slept pretty hard that night, and woke up to get our stuff together and go visit Wendy. My mom had work at 11:00am, and would give us a ride at 10:20am- it was 9:00am when she said this but my stupid ass read it as ten-twenty like in ten to twenty minutes. Rushing both of our selves ready we waited and then we realized the the wrong in my reading and waited.

We got to the hospital at about 10:45am, and asked for Ahrlenny Hernandez once again little did we know for the final time. We got to her room which had her(duh), her nurse, her mom, her dad, two aunts, and her little brother. It was p a c k e d. We went over to her, hugged her hello, and sat down near her bedside. She was getting chemo as we entered the room too. She had gotten pale but nothing near to looking deathly, she had lost some weight as well, and was eating a bad of sun chips and drinking water when she was getting the chemo.

I had a bag of mini-marshmallows and proceeded to eat about 4/5ths of the package, it stated to “have fun with your yum” but also to eat one at a time but little to late I was eating them by the handful. It was amusing to us three, even the nurse! So we talked and gabbed about the latest band stuff, like about gigs, fundraisers, drama, gossip and funny stories that she sadly missed. We were laughing and having a lot of fun. I told her about the cookie loaf situation which made her laugh, same thing happened when I explained that whole 10:20am not ten-twenty minutes. It was so fucking wholesome and fun, and I wish I got to savor it more.

At some point her uncle and cousin showed up and barley said hello to her and just started watching soccer which was pretty sad and funny all in one second. Her two aunts when they showed up hugged her and gave her a stuffed animal and food.

As we were talking about all the things we wanted to bring up she even asked us what color wig she should get, purple or blue? She said. Purple always worked great on her.

I started to text our chat to invite them to say hi to Wendy at the hospital but they had work or family problems and couldn’t go, so I texted my friend Gustavo, he was friend with Wendy and in the same band we both played in. We convinced him to come and said he wasnt gonna walk, but said yes. At some point she was supposed to get up and do some walking around the area to keep her self moving and such, but I convinved her to stop at this little side room that had this airhockey machine in it.

Of course she and I played against eachother, and it was a lot of fun, but mid game, in which I was agressivly playing, she stopped cause she had gotten a phone call from her mother, turns out Gustavo had shown up to the room a L o T quicker than we expected and so we walked over to him and brought him to the air hockey room, made jokes and had fun, I still however was playing pretty aggressively and at one point she didnt even have to try and I was pretty much playing against myself. It was pretty funny as I even hit the puck off the air hockey table top a few times like an idiot.

We finally rested a little and then we walked with Wendy around about two or three laps around that part of the hospital. We got back to her room and talked for a little bit more. But my mom was saying I needed to get home to shower and clean my room. So we said our goodbyes and hugged her for our last time ever. Aileen and I where there for nearly seven hours, when we finally left. We got a ride from Aileens mom. And that was the last time I ever got to see Wendy’s smile and hear her laugh for the last time.

We still texted for the following weeks, she told us little over two weeks ago that she was finally let go to go home, but that she would have to go to LA or Sanfransisco for better chemotherapy, She said La as in Long Beach she has family. And we wished her luck like we always did.

About three to four days before her passing, on Friday or Saturday, she sent us an update, her last one. She said she went back to the hospital because she had fainted onto the ground. She got her blood tested and once again she had extremely low white bloodcells. She said that she was sent home and told to eat every 2/3 hours and that she would be fine. We had little communication the day or two before her death. Mostly silence. None of us noticed reall, just thinking she needed time alone or something.

Tuesday morning she passed away, I don’t know if she went painfully or in her sleep. I don’t know if she was home or at the hospital. I don’t know if it was the leukemia, the chemo or if she got sick from her family. I don’t know. All I know is that that day I was talking about raising money for her to my school counselor and for two hours after I got home I was getting notifications from many friends if the rumors were true.

I was in disbelief, no no no! I was thinking it was some sick disgusting joke. I hoped it was. It wasn’t, her cousin posted on his social media wishing a good rest finally after a fight she had with her life.

The next night was spent getting all the photos I could of Wendy, I made about five posts on instagram/snapchat stories and four on instagram that day about her. Who she is and was to me. I also spend that night calling people to inform them of our loss of a musician, a friend, a sister and a family member. I called my old band director even. So many calls, so many texts, so many fucking tears. It took till Wednesday night to know it was real, a gofundme made by her sister to raise for her funeral and rest. Its all real.

She was taken away in the blink of an eye, she fought hard but lost. And I fucking hate that someone like her lost, she’s so fucking strong. I never got to say my last I love you to her. No last goodbye. No last stay safe. Nothing. Everything taken from her, her family and friends all so quickly.

Stupidly enough drama about her death accured after, the day after we had found out, literal hours after we found out, one of my friends posted a story to her instagram stating how she loved Wendy like a sister and how she’ll miss her and someone who hated Wendy proceeded to ask her “did u tho” hours after most of us had found out.

Then today, Thurday the 28th of February, finally a moment of silence was made, no one in my class and in many others did not stop talking during it all. And apparently it felt rushed and disingenuous by the person who had made the announcement about the now passed 15 year old girl.

It’s all fucked. This situation. But fuck man I just wanted one more minute to tell her how lucky I was to have her as my friend. But I didn’t and no one did get that minute.

Goodbye my friend. Stay safe. Please.

P.S. the long instagram discription is one of my poster about her.

[akcgi]

commentary so as to not clutter your dash

ep 3

light literally just kill him 

best way to shut your class up, threaten them to catch these hands

ah fanservice with arai sensei

when you’re student committing suicide isn’t the problem, but rather where she’s doing it

yo this kid has the right idea where can i sell my student number

i always liked that sister relationship between maria and chiri

ok now i want to protect maria god damn it protect her

ep 4

when everyone thinks you’re abused but really ur just furry without impulse control

when you’re in front of a giant tiger and you decide you’re stills sleeping

when u try to convert ur teacher into a fellow furry worshiper

tfw ppl think ur abusing ur daughter cuz her teacher said so but rlly ur just a buff dad who does workout videos

bruh, that’s literally everyone on the internet

Meiru is a complete 100% savage; I bet her and Hiyoko would get along great

bruh the extra of it. bitch legit just undressed herself for a new battery

well she isn’t lying, yaoi fans are almost never decent people

tfw you posses aibiru 

girl calm tf down holy shit

literally the power of kafuka compels you; i wonder if this is another allusion to her desire to become god

look into my eyes: kill x 7, can’t be killed. well yeah cause she’s already dead

taking over aibiru again i see

ep 5

‘cures other abnormal affects’, huh, that’s hilarious

this bitch looks like something out of the shining

ok so kaere was the one being taken over

that’s so werid though how an had blue eyes

oh my god she spoke clearly

‘once their toxcity is gone it will feel like somethin gis missing.’ gee i wonder what

ah now it’s her

wow kafuka 

ah kitchiri!

ep 6

‘i don’t believe a name reveals everything about a person’ except yours does

‘you again’ he probably sees the clip and knows the drill

OMFG THIS EPISODE WAS THE FORESHADOW FOR THE END IT’S THE FUCKING END HOLY FUCKING SHIT OH MY GOD

IT’S THE 3.1 STUDENTS OH MY GOODNESS CAUSE THEY’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE ONE KID

THIS EXACT LINES FROM THE END, HIROSHI IS STILL MISSING

ah it’s harumi being taken over

like you can afford to sue them

then just close your eyes

ah the close ups of kafuka just make paranoid like what are you thinking about

butler from hell

don’t just track down your enemy, stare them down, get so close to their face and glare, glare at them and become engaged. best revenge

well she’s part alien, with her ahoge detector; she literally detected that monster

everyone shocked but kafuka

ep 7

“you try to get into people’s hearts by aiming for their weakness, don’t you”, that doesn’t seem like an angel to me to be honest. partof me wonders if they glorified her because she donated her body. Or is it the toxins of people that influence her behavior. i’ll have to dwell on this later

huh never seen her cry, 

that’s usually the omake dude

a star with blood, haha i just realized it

‘praising someone who’s  alittle good at something woud just be bothersome to them’/ ‘i understand your feelings, nami-chan.’ huh i wonder...

kafuka sure loves to torment nami

wait then who is that then

i wonder what kafuka thinks of chie...gonna dwell on this later

ep 8

when you’re own teacher don’t wanna be like you

‘go ahead’ what a savage

damn that critic literally killed the class

lol kafuka the only one smiling when saying that

ofc kafuka is giving him advice on how to criticize

aaw poor fairy san

ha, roast ya self before others can; i can relate

here we go with  fuura picking out your kinks froma mile away

ep 9

yeah be humble nami

lol one of his mistakes is working on the anime

everyone on this show is straight up savage

it’s possible some of you are imposters...call out directly ok itoshiki

[somethingineedtodo-blog]

About me?

My name is *E* I’m a 20 year old male and this is my very first time here on Tumblr, this is also my first time online in almost a year*

I would currently describe myself as a very quiet, reserved, intellectual yet very insecure guy.

My interests are music (drums and piano), languages, photography, singing, psicologhy/human behaviour and helping as much as I can to other people.

Well, I’ll keep it super brief, but this is an overall resume of my life starting at 8 years. 

8-10 Years. 

- First of all let me start saying that I do not live in the prettiest place of the world, there are lot of gangs and is a common occurrence to get mugged, beat up, threatened or even killed. -

Due to the nature of the place i was brought into the world and other things, my parents were always very dire with me for me to do excellent in school from the very beggining. 

My father comes from a bad place-family, he ran away from his home at age 10, didn’t even finished elementary school but yet he managed to learn a decent job (he is a mechanic), he is a class A- worker, an old fashioned man. 

I have nothing but the outmost respect for him for what he has accomplished with the very few tools that he has... but that’s it. 

My mother on the other hand comes from a decent family, yet she didn’t finished elementary too, she has had a lot of “jobs” during her life, nothing serious.

Despite their excessive pressure i managed to always be on top of every class, i was super participative in all the school activities, yet didn’t had any friends, sometimes i felt like a robot, but a very intelligent and cool robot.

Even at that short age i remember constantly spacing out and getting lost in my head for a lot of timel, having a lot of thoughts and questions about life, existence and things that i believe right now are were not a common thing at that age. The things that i remember asking myself the most at that age are: “Is being good at school really going to guarantee me a succesful life?” ”what does“succesfull” mean? does it mean having a good house, car, material possesions or does it mean being happy with myself while at the same thime contributing something positive to those around me?  “are succesful and happy two different things?” “what if im not happy?”  “how do i know if im really happy?” I remember in vivid detail watching other kids playing football and then out of nowhere they started to fight while i was just... away, away in a corner just observing. 

I had two things “clear” in my mind. 

I had to be good at school and nothing else, i couldn’t afford to lose focus on some other thing because i would get in trouble with my parents. 

The place were i was living wasn’t a place for someone like me, I didn’t wanted to do “bad” stuff nor having to do with those things in the slightest way (As a result of this i pretty much stoped talking with everyone in the area and that got me into a lot of troubles even back then, constant threats, stealing my money, bullying, etc etc, but i didn’t even minded it, it felt somehow natural and i developed this state of insensibility and numbness toward those psicological abuses and the people (15-20yr old guys) that were doing it)

And then it was my house...  Things were not okay at my house.  My dad despite being an awesome worker and always providing what he could to the house... he was an alcoholic and abused my mother physically and verbally all the time in front of me, my mother on the other hand was just “numb” and didn’t even cared, she only cared about serving him and doing good in her “job”.  One of the “fondest” memories that i have of my “family” was in one christmas...  They were arguing... badly.  My father was drunk an started yelling while my mother was just preparing the dinner... and i was just watching them... not knowing what to do... nor understanding what was exactly happening because from my perspective they had nothing to be figthing for...  Thats when i turned on the Tv and the first thing i saw was the “Tom And Jerry” show... i looked up again to my parents and i don’t know why but i found  such a resemblance in how how “Tom and Jerry” and my parents were acting...

I just thought to myself...  “Tom and Jerry hate each other right? So that means my parents must hate each other?”  And i toldto my parents with a cold dead face but with tears in my eyes...  “Why are you even married...?  Went to my room... and cried my way to sleep... at age 9.  The days passed and nothing changed drastically... 

My parents noticed that i didn’t go out and that i was turning into a (in their words) “very weird and lonely kid” so they decided to buy me a PS1 for me to do something else besides just studying and “mumbling, humming, and hitting things with my hands making senseless noise”.  I played for quite a bit and loved it... not because i liked video games in particular but because it was a chance for me to develop my hand-eye cordination and to learn another language (Yes, english is not my primary language, in fact i learned everything i know through video games and music, i have never had a formal -english ed in my city is a joke- or decent class, but i plan to enter one in this year”) I played with that thing hoping to be able to understand everything that was on the screen, understand the music, and be able to hit things as fas and precise as i could (rithym and figthing games).  It served me as an escape from the arguments and the screaming of my parents too, another thing that i remember quite vivid is my father and his cop friends being drunk and shooting some guns (that are supposedly for cop use only)... he was too drunk that he ordered me to shoot the gun, i couldn’t say no despite knowing that was such a dumb and clearly dangerous thing to do. I did, but i was so upset that i called another cops, he found out and well... throwed me a cup at my head and ever since... he and I... well our relationship since that day is complicated to almost inexistent (I’ll elaborate more on that later...). 10-15 Years. Despite both of my parents losing their jobs and us as a “family” starting a “family business” -food truck at a flea market- and me having to work almost everyday i managed not only to be the best of my school but also securing a place in the middle school of my choice due to my grades... but most importantly me asking directly to school principal.  I felt very happy with this achievement in my life... seemed like i was finally going to escape from various things such as bullies, drugs and such and i WAS FINALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO TALK WITH SOMEBODY ELSE, to have “friends”, to go out and play and not feel like a total weirdo because of the constant words of my father.  Talking about him... he and i drifted away completely... as i grew older and started to voice my opinions a lot more he was more and more convinced and expresed that i was (and I quote) “Not like him,and not his son at all”.  What kind of opinions am i talking about? “It’s okay for people to be homosexual, a certain preference (that does not even affect us directly) should not affect how we see or think about those who surround us, being homosexual does not imply that you are a bad or a “distasteful” person... i think that kind of judgments are far beyond race, color, sexual preferences, likes, dislikes, etc.  It’s your actions and the way you affect society what determines if you are a “bad” person.  This lead my dad to think that i was starting to (in his words...) “transform” into an individual with sexual preferences towards guys, so he immediatly started to talk to me about sex... in such an uninformative and rather rude way... objectyifing women almost all the time and using words like “fuck” or “cunt”. (On a side note, my father is not religious at all, so his (quiet obvious if i must say so...) hate for homosexual people has nothing to do with religion at all... he really hates gay people, he calls them by such horrible and disrespectful names sometimes...wich bring us to the other opinion...  “I dont really see what’s the point on being excessively rude with words, I don’t see what’s the point on cursing so much, wouldn’t be better if we could talk and express our thoughts without the use of such pointless words? wouldn’t we sound better?”  This led my father to believe that i was giving him orders.  And as a result it deteriored our relationship even more.  And then... the final straw.  I started to voice my opinions on how he treated my mother and women overall. I was starting to defending her if you like.  He obviously didn’t liked that and this lead us to so many arguments and fights where the phrases “What the fuck do you know about life” “What the fuck do you know about women” “You don’t know anything you don’t even have any friends, you don’t even have anyone to talk to” were pretty common.  Despite all this i loved him and i was hoping he someday would start to change, not even for me or for my mother... but for himself.  His words obviously hurted me so bad everyday, i cried... a lot.  And crying for him was a weakness and he didn’t hesitated to say it whenever he saw me crying over one of our figths. Our allegattions got to a point were i didn’t even tried to say a word... i just was listening to his words and i didn’t even cared... thus i stoped talking with him.  There’s where my mother started to genuinly worry about me, because i always looked so tired and beatdown, she started to talk to me a lot more and whenever i returned from school she always asked me “how my day was”... i don’t know if it was too late or what... but it felt werid, like it was forced or something, so i just said the strictly neccesary. I started middle school and things were different for a change...  The whole zone was different, there were guards, there was order and “peace”, also the guys and girls over there seemed different... like they had interests and did some other “cool and interesting things” like sports, playing an instrument or things like that.  I loved that.  And for once in my life i felt quite at peace, but i couldn’t talk with anyone.  I didn’t knew how to do it, i felt anxious all the time and i had nothing in my head... “just do good in school” “you are returning to your home regardless...”. Fortunaly for me there was just one guy and one girl that were somehow able to go trough the mix of my insecurity and me not talking at all... i don’t know what they saw on me or what lead them to talk to me... one ended up being my 1st girlfriend (trough 12-14) (i don’t talk with her anymore due to how things happened...) and the guy as of today remains my best friend. That girl was very special for me... She was my introduction to so many new things. Trust, actively talking with somebody, a lot of new stuff (music, sports, knowledge etc) that i was totally ignorant of, sex and of course “love”. I GOT TO OPEN A VERY BIG PARENTHESES HERE. (Yes, i know that those things might seem totally rushed for a 12 year old child, and yes, i do agree, in fact if i could i would do things totally different, but i think i did things like i did because i didn’t had a good guidance, i didn’t had good advice per say, i didn’t even knew how to act or what to say... i just kinda went with the moment with the best of my judgment and the logic that i had, do i regret it? maybe some things, but others taught me valuable lessons at such a young age. Do i think it is right for a 12 year old to get introduced in such things as sex, “LOVE” (*big laugh*) or such complex topics as those? Absolutely not, i wouldn’t want my kids to experience those things.  Now i know that i might sound super ridiculous talking this way about my 12 year old self, maybe i didn’t word things like i do now back then, but the feeling remains the same.  So yeah.... back on.  This girl and i developed a quite unusual relationship, mainly because we understood each other so well (his dad died because of alcohol poisoning and her mom was the only family she had) so as soon as i heard her story i could relate, i had this feeling that i should protect her, i didn’t quite knew why, i just felt it, and so we became “very close friends”. The time moved on and she helped me to get out of my shell, to start talking with more friends, we spent so much time together alone doing homework or listening to music just laying in the floor in her house, because her mother was working and my parents thought that i was with my other friend (wich they got to know, but as of this date they don’t know a thing about this girl) The things in my house were just falling apart, to the point were i made up excuses like “i have to do extra homework” in order to be as little as possible in my house and more around my friends and her.  Despite all this i still maintaned excellent grades and i was still very participative in extra curricular things in my school such as poetry, music and such, but it was around 12-13 were something started to feel weird, i started to gradually lose interest in school and started doing it “just because i would get into serious trouble with my parents if i didn’t deliver them good grades” and that feeling was growing stronger and stronger, to the point that i was in a bad mood all the time, i once again stoped talking with everyone except this girl.  This thing got into my head so bad  that i yelled at my biology teacher (wich was my favorite assignment) one day without any apparent reason and started crying desperatly in his arms as he was trying to comprehend why i was acting like that all of the sudden... he asked me “Are things in your house ok?” And i just didn’t respond.  That day something snapped in my mind. I’m not quite sure what, but ever since that day all i can think about is how the things that surround us, everything and everyone, all the words, all the actions, all that we see and hear, from music to tv, everything that we are exposed to... how those things have such a big repercussion in how we act and feel and mostly who we end up being in life.  Time passed and to sum things up... i got my heart broken.  The girl ended up being with somebody else (i don’t like the word “cheating”) And end of story.  This is where i found out that i could be very extremist with people that let me down, to the point were i just... pretend that they are dead and that’s it, nothing more, nothing less, i end up denying any kind of relation-story and existence of people that have let me down, in fact, this is the first time that i talked about her “in depth”, with other times just being a “yes i had a gf before...” “Yes, i’m not a virgin” “Yes we were such good friends” and the “tragic story about how all ended”, to my friend and inevitably to my next Gf.  It does take a lot to let me down though, i don’t tend to hate on anyone, i like to respect everyone as much as i can, all their ideals, their decisions, preferences and such, but when somebody hurts someone without any reason... without even saying a word, without even caring about how much it could affect somebodys life... i just lose it, those type of people are not worthy of being called “humans” because humans are not supposed to be like that, not even animals are like that.  This obviously added up to the issues in my house into my head, made me feel not wanted or not worthy at all, without even an explanation of what i had done wrong or anything like that, it was painful, yes it was, but at the same time the thought of “this was your first time, this was just your first love, it was obviously not going to work out” remained in my head... the thing is... i do know that things are not supposed to work out the first time... but it wasn’t the fact that didn’t work out what messed me up, it was the “how” things ended up not working out what really affected me.  Either way, it cost me a lot to got over that but thanks to a couple of friends and a new hobby i got introduced to thanks to one of them (drums) i could do it.  Fast forward to the end of the second year of middle school and there i was..  Still being the best in the school, but without any kind of fullfilment or sense of actual pride for it, not even doing it for the sake of “learning” or enjoying it.  -Even though it never got clinically confirmed or anything like that at that time (mainly because my parents never had interest in therapy/dental care plus we couldn’t quite afford it at the time)  i think i have been suffering from severe depression from that point up until this day (were i can now say that yes, i’m seeing a neuropsycologist and im under treatment)- Thing’s got way worse when i broke my wrist one day playing football outside in the flea market where my parents and i went to work on the weekends, i took that day “off” and started to play football with some random strangers in an open field, i fell off and landed badly and broke my left wrist... i quickly went back to the food truck with my parents expecting to leave as soon as possible because my “S” shaped wrist... But no, they told me that i had to wait 2+ hours until they finished some stuff... and yes... i waited there, in pain and trying not to scream my lunges out.  All that was going trough my head was “I’m not going to be able to practice the drums ever again”.  But then a random thought poped in my mind, it made me very angry and turned all my pain into straight up burning anger and discomfort and yet again numbness and it goes like this...  “WHY AM I WAITING TO RECEIVE ATTENTION FROM MY PARENTS FOR A BROKEN WRIST, IS IT REALLY MORE IMPORTANT FOR THEM TO WAIT?  SHOULDN’T I BE THEIR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY AT LEAST NOW?  2+ passed until i was finally receiving some medical attention, the rest is history, that injury rendered me useless from practicing guitar (it’s not that i can’t play it, but it hurts a LOT) and i stoped playing drums due to a mental block that i self imposed in my brain. I felt so bad that whole year i was in a cast, that was my first birthday that i didn’t feel like celebrating, in fact that was the start of me feeling certain aversion or repulsion towards my birthday, i spent that day alone, just listening to music all day and laying in my bed.  15... That age marks the age that i had my first beer. Why?  I don’t know.  I certainly didn’t do it because i was feeling ok.  Like i previously said... my dad was an alcoholic, i’ve seen how it can change somebody so quickly, making them senseless pieces of meat or straight up useless sacks of organs.  So let’s just say that i’ve always had a certain depiction of alcohol in my brain since i was a little kid... it’s bad and there’s nothing benefitial about it... sure it can help you to socialize with certain kind of people but yeah... it’s not my thing, i even used to call beer “the devil’s piss” when i was a little kid... So how on earth that very fabric of myself got broken that day?  Easy.  I wasn’t feeling alright, i felt like i wanted to cease to exist or just go to sleep and never wake up again.  Even my friends (who were super cool about me not wanting to drink a drop) acted very surprised when i just grabbed a 40 and chugged it all without even hesitating.  All of them asked almost at the same time... are you ok?  I just responded yeah, i just wanted to know what is it about it that you like it so much,nothing else.  One of my best friends (who knew just a fraction of the things that were happening at my house and how i felt overall just looked me in the eye and prounonced a sentence that i think i will never forget: We both now why you are drinking... and it’s not the way.) I just kept drinking.  And so i started (without knowing) to be an alcoholic at the age of 15.  I was known for being a “tank” a term i think is associated with how fast can you drink or something, i don’t know.  But something very weird happened, i never got a hangover, i never passed out, i never even went to bed, i just remained silent watching everyone sleep and once again getting lost in my thoughts, istarted to have problems with my sleep schedule some days only sleeping 2 hours, and i was not longer spacing out... i was straight up “blacking out” (having episodes or lapses of time were you don’t remember what you were doing or saying)and i started to have delusions of somebody following me, started to talk with myself as if i was another person and overall just drifting away slowly.  15-20 years. ************************************************* It’s been 4-5 hours since i started writing this stuff.  It’s exhausting to say the least. I’ll cover up this time-span some other day...  It’s the roughest i think, especially last year. If someone actually reads this... thanks for your time, if you want to say something feel free to do it, whatever it is.   Do know that I’m in a “not so bad” place right now.  I’m still dealing with some old and some pretty new stuff (that is actually the reason why im creating this thing in the first place...) but the point of all this is for me to get to know me a little better, re-learn from myself and my mistakes and hopefully improve with my life from now on, i certainly don’t want to feel like i’m feeling right now forever.  And if i feel this is “something i need to do ™” (hahah) to make me feel better, then so be it...  I’ll do anything to feel happy for once.  But as of right now I’ll go to sleep.  ...Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem...