#extremely crack au

[backpackingspace]

I think given enough time zeller would have (extremely reluctantly ) come to like will.

[sensitiveheartless]

Ok, so Muppet AU! Every ability user in canon is a muppet, except for Dazai, who nullifies both abilities and the physical state of being a muppet!

Now that that’s established:

Bram is already kind of a muppet, right?

(Whenever Bram spreads the vampirism, the newly infected muppet just gains a pair of glued-in fangs)

Corruption is just muppet-Chuuya on a string, being swung wildly about like the killer rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Imagine you are a muppet for as long as you can remember, and then one weird human pokes you, and suddenly you are also human for the first time alsksjdjf

Oh and the best part of this AU is Ranpo!!! Because if Fukuzawa convinced Ranpo that he had an ability when he was fifteen, then that means that Fukuzawa simultaneously had to convince a human boy that he was a muppet.

And Ranpo believes this for years.

Ranpo, a human man: “Haha, I have the best ability in the agency! >:D”

Atsushi, a tiger-muppet who has just learned how all this works:

[theminecraftbee]

okay so. hear me out. but. au concept--

joel is one of many people affected by a Vanishing. its a phenomenon sweeping the country--people simply not showing up for work, school, life one day, as though they've vanished from the face of the earth. it's almost possible to mistake for normal missing persons cases, if it weren't for the way a few of the higher-profile Vanishings have happened to people who shouldn't have been able to vanish at all, let alone in a way that wouldn't be noticed until too late. look at joel's hometown. the people monitoring the dam were supposed to be redundant, and yet--

anyway. not like he cares or anything, except for the fact this stupid disaster or whatever has left him without anywhere to live or anyone to live with, and he still has a year of high school left, so he can't just do whatever he wants. luckily there's this school in a town called new hermiton that agreed to give him a scholarship to finish his education in the name of recovery and solidarity or whatever, and it's kind of a shwankier school than he'd normally go for, but it's free and, more importantly, they're willing to pay for his lodging, and he can't really turn that down. and it's not like he has a choice but to upend his entire life now. so packing what few of his belongings survived into a bag and getting on a train and moving across the country to a new school it is, he guesses.

(he's been having nightmares that inexplicably feature swarms of blue butterflies. last time he checked, lakes don't have butterflies in them. although maybe it's a metaphor or something, on account of the butterflies saying stupid stuff about how people who are remembered can't disappear, and even a false world cannot be erased if it's watched over, and how fate depends on him holding people in his heart. thanks for saying the same stupid shitty platitudes his social worker told him, just more cryptically, butterflies. real cool.)

new hermiton, it turns out, is a small city. while new hermiton academy is a newer school, much of the city is older. he's moved into a nice enough flat in an older apartment building. he has another cryptic butterfly dream. he thinks he remembers someone trying to urgently warn him of something, but it's all... shaky. that morning, he goes to the school for the first time. he's greeted by a fellow transfer student, skizzleman, although apparently he already knows some of the other folks in town, and transferred here so he could stay with them. but it's at least someone else in a similar enough situation to joel, especially since joel can just tell by the way people are looking at him that skizz didn't have much of a choice but to be here, either, and best friends with impulse or not, he's on his own too.

so. a friend. maybe this school won't be that bad, even if joel keeps having nightmares, and even if the weather here is weirdly cold for july, and even if his new homeroom professor keeps on looking at him really weirdly. (aren't professors supposed to be better about stupid rumors anyway? what's that mr. hills's deal?)

and then, two days later, he waves skizz off at the end of the school day, and gets skizz's friend, impulse, at his door, desperate to hear that skizz had just come to stay the night in joel's shitty lonely apartment, because otherwise it looks like--come on man. joel's already having a shit time. the universe deciding to go after his one existing friend too? he promises impulse to help investigate that night, in the vain hope that Skizz isn't one of the Vanished. joel gets a splitting migraine trying to follow their path back, though, and they have to stop for the night.

skizz is reported missing the next morning. joel resigns himself to cutting himself off from the people around him, as per usual. then, strangely, mr. hills corners him as he goes home.

"you'll need this," he says, and shoves what feels like a cheap butterfly knife into joel's hands. "uh, remember, trust your heart! you'll know how to use it."

"what," joel says. "hold on. you're supposed to be a teacher. why are you giving me this. i know for a fact my file says i have like, ptsd or whatever, which is stupid, but you definitely aren't supposed to be giving me a knife, you weirdo?"

"you'll know how to use it," joe hills says again. "goodbye! believe in yourself!"

mr. hills sprints behind a building before he has to explain anything else. joel is left standing on the sidewalk holding a knife, staring after him.

so. that's weird as hell. joel shivers in the cold and continues on his way home. the butterfly knife feels heavy in his pockets. he should probably report that guy to his social worker or something, but actually talking to his social worker feels like conceding defeat. joel can take care of himself. he can prove he can take care of himself. just watch him. step one: go out to get ramen because he forgot to buy any food for his apartment.

he sees impulse putting up signs as he eats. impulse looks miserable. joel thinks about how skizz, just in the short time he'd known him, had sort of unintentionally given away that he felt isolated after his mother Vanished. that impulse was a great friend, but impulse didn't understand what it was like. he never really SAID as much, but--

it's not fair to impulse, for that to be the last thing impulse remembered of what was apparently a friend since childhood. and joel doesn't care about any of these guys, but he can still pay his check and go out and help impulse go looking. he's no good at comforting people and doesn't know this guy, but joel had been alone too, sitting on the roof and crying, when the helicopters came.

except when they go back to the path by the school, joel's head starts to hurt again.

he looks up and there's a butterfly.

"hey, impulse, are butterflies common here?" he asks, a little desperately.

"i mean, not really, why?" impulse says.

"uh," joel says, and gestures. the two of them stare as the strange yellow butterfly circles in place.

"okay, so that is kind of weird," impulse admits.

"right?" joel says. "the only way it would be weirder is if it were blue." impulse gives him a look. joel does not explain.

it starts to fly away.

"we should follow it," impulse says, his voice getting a little dull. "yeah. we should follow it."

"what? no! no we should not follow the haunted butterfly, are you nuts?" joel says, but it's a bit too late. (maybe this is what the knife is for: stabbing impulse. it would be an effective method of stopping him!) he chases impulse down, down to the river, where yellow butterflies are swarming. impulse, as though possessed, simply steps into the swarm and falls through them to the water.

joel's, uh, freaking out more than a little bit? he'll admit he's freaking out. he dives forward to try to grab him, only to realize that he doesn't see impulse anywhere.

a single blue butterfly lands on joel's shoulder. "do you hold his heart next to yours?"

"i'm going insane," joel says.

"no heart is meant to be completely alone. do you hold his next to yours?"

"this isn't happening," joel says. "this is like a stupid manga or something. it's not happening."

"there is still time to save them; you must hold your heart strong, or the consequences will be dire. i believe in you."

the butterfly vanishes.

"fuck it," joel says. "if i drown then it's nothing people haven't expected of me anyway."

he steps through the swarm of butterflies.

that night, he drags both impulse and skizz out of the river. they're all freezing cold. shadows and strange, yellowy liquid still cling to all of their skin. also, joel stabbed himself, which like, glad to know that's what the knife was for, apparently, and the scar is warm and comforting. he can feel his--persona, and don't ask him how he knows that--shifting under his skin, under the mark on his hand. it said its name is pygmalion; it says it is a piece of joel's soul.

this is all patently insane. but skizz and impulse are alive and NOT eaten by shadow monsters, so even if they're both a little unconscious, joel takes that as a win.

they lie on the ground outside the river. someone stumbles across them. "well give me some teeth and call me an alligator. you got out on your own," breathes a fellow student clutching a dagger. joel thinks he's in the class across the hall. also--

"what are you talking about," joel wheezes.

"you found it on your own. you can find them?" the student says. his eyes are wide. something in joel's soul recognizes something in the student's. something in joel's BRAIN puts two and two together and realizes why mr. hills gave him a knife.

"no. no, go away, i don't want to be involved in this," joel says.

"well, don't you think it's too late for that?" the student says, and joel passes out. he's pretty sure the butterflies have to be laughing at him. in fact, as though to mock him further, after passing out, he doesn't even get to avoid it forever, because he wakes up in a glowing blue boat. there is a man with white-blonde hair, blue eyes, and a blue outfit leaning over him, poking him.

joel takes no responsibility for punching him. he'd do it again, too, as the long-nosed man sitting next to the unmanned steering wheel welcomes him to the velvet room.

(this, joel realizes later, all rather sets the tone for what the next year of his life is about to become.)

[sadlynotthevoid]

Hey, I have an idea for a crack crossover AU.

Yesterday I was searching for funny doofenshmirtz images and came across a set of screenshots of him, Vanessa and Norman. And I thought "Doofenshmirtz has to be the best fictional father to ever exist".

Then, "I wish Jason had a father like him. Wait—"

Anyways, I think a crossover AU where Doofenshmirtz adopts post-resurrection Jason woukd be a good idea.

They're on a train or something at a foreign country,

Doofenshmirtz: —And that's how I ended up here. What about you?

Teenage Jason, absolutely confused by this guy who suddenly started talking about his life story but having no idea what normal socialization is: *blinks* I'm in a world tour training to kill a guy.

Doofenshmirtz: Kill?! ...Isn't that too harsh?

Jason: He killed me first. Slowly.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh. Well, I guess that's fair— Wait, you died? Are you like a zombie or more like time traveler?

Perry: *breaks through the roof* Krrrr.

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus!

Jason: What the fuck.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, there's no need to be so rude. *Turns to Perry* This is Jason, there was a mistake and we ended up in the same cabin. Jason, this is Perry the Platypus, my nemesis.

Jason: Nice to meet you.

Perry: Krrr. *To Doofenshmirtz* Krr, krrrr?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, no. He's not part of my evil plan. Actually, you arrive early. I haven't even started yet. We were just talking to kill time— That reminds me, he says a guy killed him once. Which is really creepy. I mean, look at him!

Perry: *looks at the teenage baby-faced Jason, sitting there reading his book*

Doofenshmirtz: He must be younger than Vanessa! And that was before now. What kind of person goes around killing children? Doesn't that sound like something you guys should take care of?

Perry: ...Krrr. *raises a finger and takes out his phone* Krr. Krrr, krr. Krr krrrr krrr krr, krrr?

[indistinguishable Mayor noises]

Perry: Krrr. *Hangs call* *back to Doofenshmirtz* Krr krr krrrr krrr.

Doofenshmirtz: What do you mean there's a jurisdiction issue with Gotham? There are people killing kids there!

Perry: Krrr krr. *Exasperated sigh*

Jason, behind his book: Yup, that sounds like Gotham. No wonder even spy organizations are wary to get near her. Some say she's cursed.

Doofenshmirtz: You speak platypus?!

-

Vanessa, entering home: Dad, I'm back! Dad?—

Jason, drinking tea in the kitchen: Hi.

Vanessa: Hi, you are one of dad's friends?

Jason: *shruggs* I dunno. He kidnapped me from my training trip. Says I'm too young or something. I don't think so, but the platypus took his side.

Vanessa: Ah. And where are they anyways?

Jason: They left an hour ago. Something about Gotham's jurisdiction issue. I'm waiting to see who wins, burocrats or a spiteful scientist and his martial artist platypus best friend.

Vanessa: Cool. ...$5 say dad tires them until they give up.

Jason: $10 say the platypus guy punches someone in the face.

Vanessa: Deal.

[chaoswarfare]

dp x dc prompt #49

danny and damian twin au, but it’s crack. :))

danny and damian get into being really competitive at a very young age in the league, and even on their very rare off time they secretly played games, even if they often got out of hand, nobody ever seemed to care so long as they were improving.

during one of their first missions, it’s starting to go really bad, and damian figures it out before danny. he makes up a game of hide and seek, and danny scrambles off to look for a hiding spot while damian does the same, except he knows it’s because there’s someone after them. by the time backup arrives and the threat is taken care of, the only thing they’re able to find is a scrap of cloth and a splatter of danny’s blood.

eight years later, the two lock eyes in a gotham alleyway while danny tries to drag an unconscious mugger through a wall.

“oh dang. i guess i lost hide and seek than.”

“danny??? where have you been, it’s been eight years?!?!”

nobody ever challenges danny to hide and seek again after that.

(edit- sorry for any typos, this is hour 47 of no sleep)

[subway-boss-jericho]

Queuing posts for most of my AUs! Check out this Masterpost! ᵈᶦˢᶜˡᵃᶦᵐᵉʳ ⁻ ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵐᵉⁿᵗ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵉᶦʳ ᶦᶜᵒⁿᶦᶜ ᵏⁿᶦᶠᵉ ᵇᵃⁿᵍˢ! ᴵ ˡᵉᶠᵗ ᵗʰᵉᵐ ᵒᶠᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᶦˢ ʳᵉᶠᵉʳᵉⁿᶜᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵏᵉᵉᵖ ᵗʰᵉᶦʳ ᶠᵃᶜᵉˢ ᶠᵘˡˡʸ ᵛᶦˢᶦᵇˡᵉ.

Mechanical Dreams (can you hear the cogs clicking?)

-Premise- Alright. Bear with me, this one is very, very different. To give you the elevator pitch summary, I had a dream involving my version of Ingo from Steady Tracks except instead he was a hundreds-feet-tall mecha robot trapped under the ocean. Everything else is stuff I have worldbuilt around this concept in order to make the timeline of events make sense. Cool? Cool.

If that sounds interesting enough to read the less summarized version (LONG), get ready for one hell of a canon divergent crack AU:

Ingo and Emmet are both native-born Hisuian and proud members of the Pearl Clan. Unlike most members of their clan, they do not fear most pokemon. For a reason neither of them can place, they've always gotten along with them a little better than they did with other people. They've spent a lot of time getting to know pokemon, learning to battle alongside them, and bonding with them.

One night changes everything they've ever known. Young and bright, no older than 19, the two of them share a foreboding and brilliant dream.

Mighty Sinnoh approaches them face to face, speaking of an unknowable calamity on the horizon. Pokemon overflowing with incredible power- interfering with their natural ability to shrink, forcing them to grow taller than the mountains. In a blind rage of unbearable, uncontainable energy, they will ravage the lands of all living things. These will be known as the Darkest Days, when rifts in time and space bring Dynamax Energy down on Hisui.

Sinnoh has waited patiently to interfere with this disaster, observing each candidate and deliberating over who to designate as its heroes. After all this, the twins are Sinnoh's first choice. Should they choose to accept this duty, they may take the power to prevent this crisis into their own hands. Should they choose to deny it, it will continue to the next candidates it has selected until someone agrees to its terms.

It has chosen them because of their synchronicity, their bond, and their compassion for the pokemon of the region. If they bear this duty, one of them will become an overwhelming force- As powerful, if not more so, than the pokemon that will rise to challenge them. He will become a work of machinery so beautiful and so complex that he will rival work made in centuries to come- So impossibly grand that he will take on life incomparable to any creature or mechanism that has or ever will walk the earth.

In order to sustain such a life, this is what will become of the other: A being overflowing with energy and will. The ability to command metal with only the thought of desire, the knowledge and dominion over electricity to know and understand all things made of them. With these he can repair and protect the other, just as the other defends and protects all the region. He will be made brilliant just as his brother, but will remain of flesh and blood to ensure both are separate in the restrictions of their capability.

Their lives will entwine, ensuring the safety of both so long as both desire the safety of the other. The machine will power the soul, a fortress of steel defending the lives of both. So long as the machine does not perish, the engineer will never be susceptible to his own mortality. Neither age nor injury will prevent him from returning to the other's side.

With this overwhelming duty, impossibly vast opportunity laid out in full before them, the twins need to talk. More than anything, they need to decide. Will they? Yes. Absolutely. They could pass this on to someone else, but both of them would rather be able to ensure the safety of their brother with their own power.

It is decided that Ingo will become the Grand Machine, and Emmet will take the mantle of the Engineer. Ingo has always been in awe of strong moves, but more than this, it gives him the chance to take direct action in preventing any harm from ever coming to Emmet. As the (slightly) older of the two, he feels strongly about taking responsibility. Emmet has made his choice for the very same reason. Whoever is the Engineer can take direct action to ensure the safety of the Machine. He can protect his brother and keep him safe, and he will always be the first at his side in the line of fire.

With this, their shared vision comes to an end. They provide whatever explanation they can to the clans, to their family, before they set off together to the peak of Mount Coronet.

Emmet steps forward first, to receive the blessing that will change him. With the touch of their maker, his hair is shifted to a brilliant snowy tone- Eyes a bold and electric blue as a flowing coat of white and gold rests over his shoulders. He shines like a man of royalty- change arriving in another wave of light as he finds himself remarkably taller. The two brothers share a moment to revel and celebrate all of these verrry cool blessings!! Younger swinging older into the air in an expression of joy, hugs shared fiercely at the same size again as Emmet discovers his choice between old and new.

They share quieter words of comfort, of assurance. Ingo steps forward to receive his blessing. He turns with a smile on his face, a last look to his brother with the touch of his maker as Emmet sees his eyes glow vibrant blue- Before a torrent of metal sprouts from his back, encircling him completely. It warps and twists like the stem of a growing tree, walls of steel rising into the sky like a tower, faster than human hands could ever build.

When they return from the mountain, they are changed. They are twins, they are brothers, they are Ingo and Emmet. But they are impossible, they are changed to unknowable depths. They are not the same as when they left.

The Giant of Steel and The Engineer alter the fate of the region in more tales than can be catalogued here alone, preventing the deaths of many and earning the respect of every faction. Members of each walk of life vow to join them, becoming a part of Ingo's Crew.

When all is finally over, the final battle comes long after the danger has passed. None were expecting a last straggler, and none were prepared for the inky tendrils of the siren's grasp. The water was never Ingo's ally, but he would never let it be his crew's grave. He forces them to evacuate, the crew taking The Engineer with them to escape the soul-stealing songs of Gigantamax Jellicent. At the cost of his own safety, he brings down the final Dynamax threat once and for all. Consciousness fading, he crashes into the ocean- tsunamic shockwaves sending escape pods tumbling to shore.

Emmet, with all his abilities and tools, does not have the resources alone to craft something with the strength to rescue Ingo from the ocean floor. As days pass, he finds himself fading- He knows what this is, he must always know. Emergency hibernation. In his last days awake, he begs the people of Hisui, his friends, his Crew, to save his brother's life. To save him, when he cannot.

Emmet falls into an indominable slumber, kept safe from the elements in a case of wood and glass he assembled himself. The ocean is quiet, the threat is gone. The Dynamax War is over.

The crew which had endeared themselves to these strange, dedicated, charming, and incomprehensible yet so human twins, vow to repay their dutiful protection by rescuing Ingo from the water's depths.

And so time begins to pass.

-Noteworthy Points- I can't believe I'm posting this online where people can see it haha. Please be nice to me 😂 This is the longest post I've ever made. I hope that summary is to your liking because I am (grinding teeth) not kidding. that's the best way I know how to summarize this ENTIRE plot I made. Based on a dream I had one time two years ago!

Things to note! Ingo and Emmet are both capable of size-shifting but to very different degrees. Ingo is 120ft tall in his Off-Duty form, but can assume an Active Threat mode which allows him to scale up to 400ft tall. Emmet can shift between on/off duty forms also, but the difference is 8ft (Extremely Tall) to his former height somewhere around 5'10" (Above Average)

To re-say what arceus blessed them with in a way that is less cryptic: Ingo is a Mecha. He is bio-mechanical, sort of like a cyborg? In essence, he is an otherwise impossible combination of man, pokemon, and machine. He has a pokemon type and can use various moves. He also operates using a hell of a lot of complex machinery, but retains his humanity and thought. There is nothing else like him! Also he's fucking huge as I mentioned a second ago. He's made to be manned by a crew and has lots of hollow space, rooms, and other things required for life onboard. He also has an internal computer that helps him micromanage everything he needs to know about himself, who is onboard, what he is doing, and what other people are doing. Essentially, he has multiple trains of thought he can use simultaneously in order to help him keep up with everything. Because of this, he also can process information at a speed faster than a normal person is capable of by a significant margin.

Emmet has Technokinesis, and is capable of understanding how any machine works by observing it. He is capable of inventing or assembling machines that are far beyond his time, and can disassemble anything and put it back together with no issue. He has some amount of heightened/super speed, but not on a 'speedster' level of crazy, just unnaturally fast. He has a bigger reserve of energy as well than any normal person would have, and can think/process things at an unnatural speed. This helps him keep up with Ingo, although his processing ability is still a bit slower than his. Emmet also has hammer space with his coat pockets and can magically equip/unequip his coat at any time.

I have so much world building that I genuinely can't put it all in the notes here. There is so much shit to unpack, please understand I've basically made this entire goddamn narrative from scratch in my head and with the help of a close friend. This is me being turbo mentally ill

If I had less self control I would keep writing but I think I've given you all enough to understand the concept and I need to shove this in the queue before I miss the posting time <3 have fun

-Links- Currently none! I will update this post with links to comics/art/writing if/when I post any!

[jinkx-monsoon-season]

So I was doing some meditative weeding today, and I was thinking. MDZS Plant Cultivation AU! Gusu Lan have 3000 rules of respectable ways to grow plants and tend to plants, and their lawns are immaculate. Wildlife is prohibited at Cloud Recesses, obviously. Especially rabbits.

Wei Wuxian is not doing well with the rules and lectures here, either. Why are you not wielding your hoe, Wei Wuxian? Do not disgrace Jiang Clan Nurseries and Landscaping!

Shit, why did I hide my edged tool?

"What are the three possible ways of dealing `with weeds? Wangji, tell them." - "Physical removal, suppression, herbicides." - "But what about the fourth way," asks aspiring gardener Wei Wuxian. "What? There's no fourth way!", rages Lan Qiren. "But what about - do nothing? Or - let the bunnies eat them? Or..."

Get out! Make 100 copies of Cloud Recesses Cultivation Almanac!

[whumpster-fire]

Bartimaeus Sequence AU where in Golem's Eye Nathaniel is like "No there is no way I am summoning Bartimaeus again I am not stupid enough to summon a djinni who knows my birth name" but he's desperate to find a competent spirit and then he remembers that Bartimaeus recommended Faquarl's name, and he takes him up on that.

Bonus points if he does summon Bartimaeus but just to confirm that Faquarl was in fact the guy who broke him out of the Tower of London and otherwise fact-check his resume, leaving Bartimaeus torn between not wanting to praise Faquarl or acknowledge his achievements and wanting to get him stuck working with an annoying little twerp.

Double Bonus Points if Faquarl recognizes Nathaniel from the kitchen at Heddleham Hall and figures out what happened, and on one hand thinks the kid will be easier to manipulate than Makepeace, but on the other hand he is not letting Bartimaeus get away with this so he keeps being like: "Oh, well, this sort of thing isn't my area of expertise, but my old associate and worthy adversary Bartimaeus would be perfect for this job." Leading to Nathaniel summoning both of them and the rest of Golem's Eye being a complete disaster of a "buddy" comedy where they bicker the entire time and piss Nathaniel off but he refuses to dismiss either of them because he knows damn well if either one of them wins the "annoy master until he dismisses you first and gets the other one stuck in your service" competition the the other will become even worse.

[void-botanist]

ALSO trolley problem answers for spinder & anyone else who you think has a creative solution 👀

from this ask game

Spinder gets the point of this thought exercise but if they're going to ask such a contrived question, he's going to give a contrived answer. Which means he would learn a lot about trolleys and how easy it is to derail them (I am far from an expert but I think it would depend on the landscape. I suspect a trolley with a cable grip, like in San Francisco, is harder to derail if the cable grip is active, but idk). He's got a whole plan for derailing, or otherwise mechanically disrupting the trolley (if it stops pulling power does it stop moving? how fast can he get on the roof?). Aside from his absolute pettiness he also can't help but imagine the fallout from having vehicularly manslaughtered one or more people and he doesn't think he could deal with that.

Christina "now you're thinking with warpals" Larousse would just warp the trolley. Ideally this would happen after she already was not in the trolley, but if she has to die with it, so be it. In general, if sacrificing herself would save everyone else, she'd probably do it. But if there are other people in the trolley, as in some versions of the problem, because she's not going to sacrifice them to warp. Hypothetically she could just warp away the split in the track, thereby derailing the trolley and saving everyone. But that's a much smaller target than a trolley and harder to hit when she's moving. If she had to actually abide by the rules of the exercise she would kill the one person. Unless that one person was her father. Then she'd be so paralyzed about it that she'd do nothing and the five people would die. Which is still a lot less people than she indirectly enabled Althea to kill, but that's cold comfort.

Althea would let the five be killed without hesitation if there was a single person among them that had ever pissed her off. She doesn't really care either way, but it would feel better to get a little revenge. However, she would also switch away from a track Christina is tied to, an absolutely frigid comfort for Christina.

Vic, among others, has pointed out that if you do nothing, you're not responsible for what happens. Which is a tenuous position, but he would like it to be true. But he'd also rather kill one person than five, so make of that what you will.

Celia and Allison are still wondering what kind of Gotham-ass trolley line this is, like, first of all, how did these people get tied to the tracks? Is this some kind of a trick? Are the five people all robots and the one person a human? There's just not enough information here.

Dez would be extremely dismayed by the idea that the five people could be robots. But if they were, they have backups, right? Right? Syndy is already holding him back from steering away from the five probably-robots, because she considers herself an expert on how humans die, actually, so they can't run over the human. If the robots turn out to be humans, they are both scarred for life and also the first androids to go to jail, probably. They develop a weird game of chicken where they keep saying they're going to delete the memories but come up with reasons not to. Doing this only deals them more psychic damage.

"You just gotta kill the one person," Avis says, with total conviction and complete boredom. "That's how these puzzles work. You gotta do a shitty thing, so you have to do the least shitty version of the thing." It's a toss up if she'd automatically run over the five if she was considering whether or not to run over Sid as the one person, though.

@jezifster @kk7-rbs

[milfcutlawquane]

"I'm a Star Warrior! Prepare to be punished!"

[theoniprince]

 Die gute Stella sieht einfach genervt und null beeindruckt aus. XDDDD

[taoofshigeru]

Surge: Rrragh, c'mon! There's gotta be something in this junkyard I can use as a weapon!

Cubot: Not on me, right? Please say not on me!

Surge, kicking a long, thin thing out of the pile: Wait, what's...this?

-It's a black electric guitar with like a dozen lime-green flame decals.-

Cubot: Oh, that? The boss built it in an afternoon, said it was the key to "defeating that hedgehog in the way that'll mean the most". ...I think he spent a week trying to learn it before giving up and tossing it in the pile.

Surge, casting Cubot aside: Huh, defeating that hedgehog? With this? ✨👀✨ I like it. It... It speaks to me.

[Days later...]

Jewel: Sonic, Tails, we need you in Central City now!!

Tails: Is it an emergency? What's happening?!

Jewel, ripping off her suit to reveal a Surge the Tenrec Concert Tour T-shirt: Only the COOLEST CONCERT OF ALL TIME!

[However long it takes to get to Central City later...]

-Hundreds of residents have gathered in the street. The crowd is chanting TEN-REC, TEN-REC! And Surge is headbanging very hard.-

Sonic: Sooo, should we just leave her be? Doesn't seem like she's hurting anyone

Kit: Um, sir, the thing about Surge is... *whispers in Tail's ear*

Tails, nodding: Mhm, mhm. Ohhh, so if we... Uh-huh...

Tails: Actually, I think we can do one better and get in on the fun ourselves.

Tails: *whispers in Sonic's ear*

Sonic: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Ooooohh! Yeah, let's do that.

......

-The crowd is chanting SURGE, SURGE, SURGE after yet another sick guitar solo.-

-But then the sound goes dead and the sound of a mic turning on cuts the silence.-

-Sonic steps out of a pillar of smoke and wearing cool shades, with Tails right behind him.-

Sonic: Surge the Tenrec, you've been bothering the poor citizens with this town with your lame music for one song too many. I challenge you to a battle...

*Sonic tossed the mic away and whips out a trumpet and Tails pulls out a pair of Maracas.*

...of the bands!

Surge, grabbing the mic out of the air: Oh hell yes! I'm gonna wipe the floor with you this time. Nobody but nobody is beating Surge the Tenrec twice in one week! -uf!

Kit, showing up behind Surge to hug her: Ma'am! I'm so glad you're okay. *Pulls out a rhythm guitar.* Also can I be your backup band?

Surge: Heh, good to see you too, drippy. Try to keep up!

[Several hours of epic shredding and cool toots later, the crowd is still chanting Surge's name.]

Sonic, visibly stumbling backwards: Oh no! How can this be?! There's no way your music could defeat...me...

-Hero of Mobius Sonic the Hedgehog falls to his knees, clenching his feet in an expression of bitter defeat.-

-Tails collapses on top of him, clearly exhausted.-

Surge: Hah! I knew I was better than you in the ways that counted! Pack your bags, drippy, we're going on tour!

Kit, tail wagging: Yes, Ma'am!

-As Kit and Surge surf away on a crowd of adoring fans, Sonic and Tails turn to each other on the ground and share a quick wink.-

Sonic, whispered: Awesome plan, little buddy.

Tails: 😁

[cynicallyscorned]

but also remembering the concept we played around with that was 'sol rescuing (see: kidnapping) main-tbc cynic out of that nightmare dimension because that's cynic-shaped and bringing him to main cynic's timeline' and hddfsk

he has a potty mouth in every AU, this cannot be changed

[tomionefinds]

Hi this is kinda specific, but are there any tomione fics where T & H are dancers or actors forced to work together? Thank you <3

Hey Anon,

This was a interesting ask. I found a couple few also some where they were musicians just in case you were interested in them as performers of some sort. -JD

The Foil by WildKitsune E/Ma | WIP | 13k The girl didn't look like anything special. He had passed right by her without evening noticing her existence when entering Principle Dippet's office. Tom looked at her again after getting instructions to show her around and make her feel welcome. It was the part of being student council president he hated the most. He was expected to be nice to people far below his interest. But the position afforded him other privileges and powers that he counted as worth such a price. Very loosely inspired by Highschool Musical.

On A New Year's Day by Kitwriting M | WIP | 14k Paris 1960, Harry Potter is a down on his luck actor who moved to Paris to reignite his career. After months of no real work, his childhood friend, an aspiring screenwriter, Hermione Granger visits on New Year’s Eve, one last night before he plans to leave. But a chance meeting as the clock strikes midnight leaves them both intrigued by the possibilities the city has if they stay. Aka, The French New Wave AU no one asked for

i will collect you by cithrin M | WIP | 9k It was Hermione's dream to enter the prestigious Hogwarts Dance Academy. But she had no idea that her ruthless mentor would push her over the edge. Tomione.

The Two Compaies by tellmesomethingnew T+ | One Shot | 1k McGonagall's dance company is different than most. As a project to test her students, her and the rivalry dance company owned by Grindlelwald team up. The day before dress rehearsal for their upcoming special performance workshop, the two company owners blindly pair their students together. Hermione has no idea who she's paired with until now.

Cupid Crystal Cave by Winterblume T | Complete | 6k Hermione is forced into a strip club and – oh, how embarrassing – who would show up there? Of course, none other than her old school nemesis, Tom Marvolo Riddle.

The Conductor and the Violinist by ourultraviolence M | WIP | 51k 1906, Riddle, a conductor, is a prodigy at the Royal Opera House. Hermione Granger is a brilliant violinist but he does not seem to agree on that. Tomione.1906, Riddle, a conductor, is a prodigy at the Royal Opera House. Hermione Granger is a brilliant violinist but he does not seem to agree on that. Tomione.

Closer by Sharkdiver1980 E/Ma | WIP | 29k Lord Voldemort is taking the music industry by storm, and when Hermione and her friends get invited to an exclusive party featuring a private performance by Lord Voldemort, Hermione learns what all the fuss is about . Non-magic AU, Tomione. Crack!

Con Sentimento by heybabydoll E/Ma | WIP | 22k Hermione dreams of becoming the chief-of-medicine at St Mungo's Medical School, so she's decided to fluff her medical school application by double-majoring in both biochemistry and classical piano performance. This is much to the distaste of the Director of Piano Studies at Slytherin School of the Arts, Dr Thomas M Riddle, who values jazz piano performance over all things.

Liebestraum (Beyond Words) by desirable (countertop) T+ | WIP | 4k YOU ARE GOD, WHICH MEANS YOU ARE BOUND TO A HEAVEN.(alternatively: Hermione Granger, a student at Hogwarts University, goes missing. A cellist turned writer turned stranger. Tom Riddle loses Hermione Granger, and the search is all part of the prose, or so he thinks.)

Tommy Played Guitar by PacificRimbaud E/Ma | One Shot | 3k Tom Riddle takes his coffee black and plays in a rock and roll band.

Daddy Dearest by ImmortalObsession M | Complete | 108k Lady Hermione isn't quite right in the head. Her kingdom resides in a manor full-of-monsters. She has regular conversations with the Devil and fancies a dark knight who wants to kill her in her sleep. If not for the wonderful library, she might have lost her wits completely by now. Instead, she passes the time with music lessons and plots of murder.

[huevobuevo]

“Ouhhh just a little break” he said

“it’ll be easy” he said

[sunderwight]

Thinking about a crack SV AU where Shen Yuan transmigrates into a horse.

Luckily he is not a normal horse, no! He is a spiritual stallion, a character that was mainly a joke about the novel's genre in PIDW, originally bred on Cang Qiong's beast tamer peak but not actually encountered until Luo Binghe's "raze cultivation society to the ground" phase. At which point there was a subplot about him finding the stallion and letting it loose to run free, as like, an allegorical reference. Occasionally Binghe would find other horses across the years that were obviously descended from that one, as more jokes, until Airplane forgot about the reference and never brought it up again.

Shen Yuan, of course, was always Big Mad that Binghe never got to actually ride this super magical mystical horse, and never got the horsegirl arc he deserved! Where is the man's companion animal? How can someone with nine billion wives and even more nameless underlings be fated for a life of perpetual loneliness??

Naturally, the first thing Shen Yuan does upon figuring out that he's this magic horse is break out of the beast peak and make for Qing Jing. He's not necessarily planning to go bond with the protagonist or anything, but he's not particularly keen to live out his fate as some feral horse that fucks other horses either, and he's extremely valuable so it's unlikely anyone will kill him even if they catch him again. So, might as well take the opportunity to clap eyes on his favorite character before he's doomed to a life of eating hay and whatever, right?

Horse SY manages to arrive on Qing Jing Peak right before the start of the skinner mission, though, just as Ming Fan is telling Luo Binghe that there aren't enough horses. Ning Yingying points out SY and is all oh look, one of the stable hands must have realized the error and brought another, and everyone else is kind of like "uh that is... not a normal horse...?" but then Shen Qingqiu gets impatient and snaps at them to get a move on, and fear of their mercurial shizun overrides everything else to the point where Binghe just clambers desperately onto this mystical saddle-free horse.

Airplane borrowed kelpies for his demon beasts at some point and they are pretty common, so it occurs to Luo Binghe only after he's climbed onto the strange and definitely not normal Horse SY that he might be on the verge of getting carried off and drowned. But SY just kind of rolls with it, and falls into line with the other horses.

Hey, it's an excuse to leave the sect! And practice doing horse stuff! And also, he's not going to buck Luo Binghe off of his back!

Of course as it happens, the specific kind of magical horse that Shen Yuan is comes with a specially bred-for trait where they only bond to one rider. They're usually bred for like, kings and emperors and other highly important figures as status symbols, like magical companion animals but ones with perfectly mundane utilities. He's also got Shadowfax-like stamina and speed, meaning that Airplane can treat this kind of horse as interchangeable with a motorbike, and of course the capacity to cultivate. Which means that when the party finally arrives at their destination, everyone suddenly realizes that Luo Binghe has unwittingly bonded with a horse that's worth a fortune and won't ever let anyone else ride it now.

Shen Qingqiu flips his shit, Shen Yuan bites Shen Qingqiu, Luo Binghe hyperventilates, Ning Yingying gets kidnapped, and the situation basically resolves with Shen Yuan kicking the shit out of the skinner demon in defense of his new BFF the baby protagonist.

Well if he's going to end up letting anyone ride him for the rest of his life, Luo Binghe would be his first choice.

Anyway they get back and Shen Qingqiu is still spitting mad and offers Luo Binghe's head on a platter to the lord of the beast peak, but Beast Peak's people are actually kind of pleased. Like sure it's a little inconvenient, because Luo Binghe is a Qing Jing disciple and not one of theirs, but they were honestly beginning to worry that this stallion wouldn't bond with anyone! It's really hard to manage them when they don't! And SY in particular comes from a long and illustrious lineage that has nearly died out a few times, so they were never planning to sell him off even for a high price anyway. With a rider chosen, the odds of them getting him to cooperate for breeding purposes are a lot higher, plus it will be much easier to take care of him now! Though they will be taking Shen Qingqiu up on his offer of Luo Binghe's time, since "punishment" for this transgression will involve splitting his time between the peaks in order to help take care of SY (all the beast peak disciples are super relieved, apparently before Shen Yuan transmigrated, the horsey original goods was extremely prone to biting and kicking...)

Shen Qingqiu basically tells Luo Binghe not to bother coming back, which fills Binghe with despair, but he gets over it eventually. The beast peak is nice! They give him a cultivation manual as well, in order to help him understand what they do, and it seems that Binghe can understand it a lot better than his QJP one. The peak lord gives him permission to use the dorms as well, since there will probably be times when he has to stay overnight, and no one says much about it when Binghe basically moves in full time. On the books he's still a Qing Jing disciple, but functionally he's a transfer student now. He even sits in on classes and lectures, and a lot of the peak are just under the impression that he was transferred over to their peak in full.

Shen Yuan considers this a big improvement, and expects Luo Binghe to enjoy running around with all the pretty girls on the peak. But Binghe mostly seems to spend his time with him, in fact, asking questions upon questions not only about Shen Yuan's breed, but about his specific background and lineage. The beast peak is overall pretty nice, although sadly it's not full of cool monsters and companion animals as Shen Yuan would have hoped. Mostly the peak specializes in the cultivation world's equivalent of livestock and work animals, training beasts like spirit eagles and horses like himself, and raising animals prized for their meat, organs, bones, or other parts for medicinal, alchemical, or culinary ingredients, or sometimes components for weapons or other spiritual tools. They work the most closely with Qian Cao, Wan Jian, and An Ding.

Being a horse is honestly kind of boring for Shen Yuan, although running is fun, and he at least gets plenty of time to work on his cultivation.

By the time Sha Hualing's invasion happens, he's gotten pretty comfortable in his new state of affairs. Binghe has even figured out that he likes being read to, and has started reading aloud to him from various texts in the evenings! So far no good novels, or even bad trashy novels, but it's better than nothing!

Binghe also takes him for a lot of rides around the peaks (not Qing Jing) which is how they end up caught on Qiong Ding when the rainbow bridge goes down. When Shen Qingqiu tells Luo Binghe to fight, Binghe doesn't even have a weapon at hand.

Actually, he doesn't have a sword at hand.

Turns out having your magical horse kick a demon to death is still pretty effective!

Shen Yuan even manages to avoid getting poisoned too. Rather, Elder Hammer threatens to poison him and Luo Binghe charges at him shouting "stay away from my horse! I'll kill you!" and etc, and does get nicked by the thorns, but only Binghe and Shen Yuan notice and of course the poison doesn't work on Binghe, congrats for unlocking a new hint as to Luo Binghe's mysterious origins!

Yes, Horse SY shows up to help Binghe in the Dream Demon event. He still looks like a horse for it, but it also marks the first time he's able to speak to Luo Binghe, which successfully distracts Luo Binghe from a lot of the tormenting visions of his past because talking magic horse friend has a way of doing that.

So the Dream Demon is like, that's not a normal horse, and Luo Binghe is all "stay away from my horse! I'll kill you!" and Shen Yuan gets knocked out of the dream as usual. Wakes up to Luo Binghe rushing to his stall to check on him and prepare him some nice warm congee and double-check that he can't talk for reals (only in dreams for now, alas).

Anyway Luo Binghe has no reason to hide his demonic cultivation practice from his horse, so Shen Yuan gets to sit in on it as Binghe tries to put Meng Mo's teachings into practice, which he finds super cool. Binghe's normal cultivation also progresses quite a bit, but he's still very much disadvantaged there because the beat peak is only giving him like, half-assed guest disciple status lessons, no personal one-and-one tutelage, and he's unofficially banned from Qing Jing and wouldn't get any help there anyway (apart from Ning Yingying). The beast peak lord isn't really his shizun and Shen Qingqiu isn't going to take Binghe to do things like claim a sword from Wan Jian, either.

Luckily, Binghe can now confer with his horse in his dreams! Shen Yuan has such helpful ideas as compelling various hall masters and combat teachers to dream about their lessons, so that Binghe can insert himself into the form of their students and supplement his tutelage with nighttime training from all around the sect. And also stealing some blank documents from An Ding and forging paperwork to turn over to Wan Jian to make it look like Binghe has permission to claim a spiritual sword without Shen Qingqiu's approval.

What a way to pass the time before the Immortal Alliance Conference!

Horse Shen Yuan would like very much to just carry Luo Binghe away in the opposite direction, thank you, but he does have a system and it is still holding a metaphorical gun to his head about this. Still, there's no force in the world that could keep Shen Yuan in his stable when shit starts to go down, or that could stop him from kicking the snot out of Shen Qingqiu when he tries to throw Binghe into the Abyss. (Binghe's thoughts on the fight: "stay away from my horse! I'll kill you!")

However, Binghe does still get thrown down, and Horse SY runs off whilst weeping crystalline tears of dismay as his mane whips in the wind, imagining a future where a blackened Luo Binghe returns for his revenge arc and symbolically sends his beloved horsie companion away forever to go frolic or some shit, which Shen Yuan is not interested in!

But what can he do? By the time Binghe gets out of the Abyss, his need for a horse will be decidedly minimal. It already went down a bunch when he finally got Zheng Yang (that Binghe somehow almost never flew anywhere on, surely for reasons unrelated to his bond with SY), and with Xin Mo and all his OP talents, even if he did keep Shen Yuan, wouldn't he become as much of a useless background character as countless auxiliary wives in his harem?

No! He won't stand for it! There has to be a way for him to convince even blackened Binghe that Shen Yuan is still the best ride in town!

Luckily, Shen Yuan knows where there are some power-ups that might be able to help him. While he won't touch anything that would be vital for the protagonist, he's more flexible on screwing over random future harem members or side characters, especially when it wouldn't even really harm them all that much. So while Binghe is going through his gauntlet of horrors in the Abyss, Shen Yuan embarks on his own level-up quest to dramatically increase his cultivation, and become more capable of keeping up with Binghe.

When this leads to Shen Yuan being able to take on a human form, he gets really excited, but that's mostly for personal comfort reasons. He can finally hold books again! And talk to people! Who cares if he looks like someone's ponysona gijinka, he can walk over to a stall and order meat buns!

Unicorn form is next, and it's... meh? Mostly it's a boost in his cultivation. The horn looks fun but doesn't really do much.

When he upgrades to being able to take on a pegasus form, now that's really cool. He can fly now! Not only is it crazy good fun, but it also increases his mobility exponentially. Surely riding a flying horse would be more comfortable than balancing on a sword, too?

But that's not enough for his actual goal, he needs to keep going until he finally finds the right bullshit mythical item that will do what he hopes:

Turn him into a dragon!

Unfortunately said bullshit item is in the demon realms, which are a fairly difficult place to navigate as either a horse or a human. Beefing up for the trip takes Shen Yuan just about two years, and requires all of his other upgrades. But he does it, he gets to the demon realms, eats the creatively named Dragon Fruit Plant, and... gets... stuck???

In his new dragon form???

WTF this didn't happen to the random ox that Luo Binghe fed the fruit to in order to create a suitable beast of burden to impress the husband of Wife No.666! Although, thinking about it, maybe it did because it wasn't like the ox ever turned back into an ox afterwards. But Shen Yuan just figured that was because it was a simple beast of burden and saw becoming a dragon as an overall upgrade, why go back? He honestly hadn't really thought about it!

Cue Luo Binghe getting out of the Abyss only to shortly find that a random dragon is following him around. Maybe that just happens here? It doesn't attack him, at least, and he has no time to deal with it (or to sleep) because his first order of business is establishing enough of a foothold in the demon realms to regain access to the human ones, and find out what happened to his horse. And then kill Shen Qingqiu. In that order.