#finally i know how to post writing here

[love4-bunny]

She acts like a woman should

Mature

Ao3 link

1 , 2 , 3

Let me know if you want me to add you to the tag list!

@captain-natey @ydrance @youre-ackermine @amyina

Tags: alternative universe-Canon divergence, period typical sexism, internalized misogyny, 19th century, eventual smut, slow romance, hurt/comfort, dom/sub undertones.

Summary:

Petra Ral is willing to play her role in society to perfection as she has been taught. Accepting a marriage of convenience with Captain Levi Ackerman, they both have to live with the idea that life is not always fair.

Chapter 1: Have you met Mr. Ackerman?

The gentle breeze caressed the girl's face, which was illuminated by a soft light. It was a wonderful day—too beautiful for a funeral.

"Grandma, why does my mother have a lovely dress and make-up?" the girl asked curiously.

"Petra, wouldn't you like your mother to be remembered as a proper and beautiful woman?

"I wish I didn't have to conform to remember her," she said, feeling a gentle squeeze on her hand. "But I think I understand now."

The older woman watched as her granddaughter let go of her hand and approached the coffin where her daughter lay.

"I'd like to be remembered like this too, always pretty and always young,"  the 12-year-old girl murmured as she touched with her small hands one of the roses resting in the carefully arranged hair of the one who was her mother.

"Tell me, Petra, would you like to leave your father's farm to live with me in the capital? What do you say? A nice room, lots of cute dresses, as well as a good education."

Petra enjoyed living with her father on the farm.

As she watched the man cry silently from a chair farther away from the coffin, the redhead put her hands behind her back. She sighed. Her question was more to confirm a decision already made.

Her lucid dream seemed to be coming to an end as she looked at her reflection in the mirror on her dresser. There was a growing sense of anxiety in her stomach as she waited to meet her future husband. Once again, her trembling hands rearranged her dress.

She decided to stand up and walked over to the tall mirror near her huge closet, which seemed to be an additional room to her own, to look at her reflection. She chose a dress that was formal but modest enough for this afternoon. She examined the floral patterns and the intense blue color.

She checked the tightness of the corset, running her hands down it to emphasize the curves even more. She strained a grin but chose to let her face muscles go, which came out much more genuine.

Petra was expecting that Captain Levi would be attracted to redheads since she had spent the whole day using cloths to arrange her hair, which the curlers had caused to reduce to the length that met her chin.

She heard a soft knock on her bedroom door, and it opened to reveal her grandma. The elder woman entered right away and went over to her granddaughter. Her grandma gently squeezed her shoulders and took a strand of her hair to console her. She responded by holding her mother's hands, which made her feel better.

"Petra, you look stunning today, I must say. Let me help you with your lipstick."

"I'm worried about what's waiting for me in the living room," she said as she let her apply the lipstick, realizing she was attempting to brighten her mood in some manner.

She accepted the marriage arrangement set up by her loving grandmother for some reason that even she didn't understand.

"It's understandable; I remember feeling the exact same way when I was in your shoes. But your grandfather and I got along without problem," she replied sympathetically as she rubbed Petra's back.

"Despite having been educated my entire adolescence, the rumors I've heard about Captain Ackerman are confusing, I'm not sure what to expect anymore."

There were many descriptions and behaviors of mankind's strongest soldier passed around from mouth to mouth. It is not unexpected that he is already a well-known individual within the walls, and since he is the sole known survivor of the Ackerman family, belonging to the main branch of the essential lineage that is now nearly extinct. 

She also wanted to know whether what Oluo had said in his letters about his commanding officer was real. Despite his strange personality, he was an excellent leader and a great soldier, considering his obsession with cleanliness, gloomy and rude language. He is a man who trusts his own life.

"And I don't blame you, the only thing I can confirm is that it's too short for my taste, but it's the perfect size for you."

Petra listened attentively to how she had to act, while she had already completed her education in studies accompanied by how to be a good wife and mother. She recognized that the challenging personality of her fiancé would be difficult to deal with, so it was no secret that a sense of dread filled her mind. She knew this day would come; she had no option; there was no better way, not after her mother's death.

"Still, I don't understand why you make yourself so complicated, Petra. You don't know what a privilege you have; look at all those people living in misery."

It upset her, but that was the way it was. She didn't want to disappoint what's left of her family,the guilt that would overtake her every time she complained in any way, her grandma reiterating to her how blessed she was and not to be ungrateful for the life she had been given.

"I am a good woman, I will be an ideal wife and mother. I will proudly bear my new family name, and erase the family history to create a new one," her eyes reflected in determination, clenching her fists tightly. "I swear by the goddesses of the walls and by my dearly departed mother, I will behave as a woman should."

"That's the way I like it."

Forever young, forever pretty.

Both women diverted their attention as they felt the door open. One of the family maids reported that they had arrived and everyone was ready for tea. Petra rose up, took a look, and offered her a smile, one of warmth and melancholy.

"Shall we go?"

They set out to follow the maid through the hallways of what had become her home.

The artwork of her mother as a kid gave her a sense of hidden grief, and the ones with her grandparents as a tiny girl filled her with nostalgia. She was too young to have predicted what was in store for her as a woman.

In the room, lit by a magnificent chandelier, stood proudly the scouts leader, Erwin Smith, and next to him a man. Perhaps a woman who she couldn't quite make out, as the features were rather vague. On the other side of the coffee table, where there was a seat open on the other sofa, The one where her fiancé was seated.

How dare he take such a comfortable posture, with his back reclined, his hands on the back of the expensive sofa, and his left leg resting on his right thigh? Shameless, he was already behaving as if it were already his home. She avoided showing her scowl of displeasure.

Her grandma, seated in her personal chair, had no need to advise Petra on how to bow graciously to the guests and introduce herself, as she had always been instructed.

"I am Petra Ral, and it is a pleasure to have the opportunity to meet you. It is an honor to have you in our midst," she heard the infamous captain click his tongue, and she resisted responding with a groan.The older woman motioned for her to sit next to the captain. 

"Look how polite she is, Erwin; a pleasure I am, Hange Zoe."

The tea, along with some fresh cookies, arrived in a matter of minutes. He grasped the cup in an unusual manner, holding it by the rim and ignoring the handle.

The conversation, as she had expected, was to establish the engagement arrangements, giving him access to the family's riches in return for the prestige of the Ackerman lineage.

She had no doubt that the agreement had been agreed upon quickly since Levi could utilize the money for military purposes. She couldn't access the money because she was a woman, but if she behaved properly and obeyed her husband, she might be able to persuade him to manage the money alongside him, like her grandmother does.

The individual known as Hange spoke and acted enthusiastically about how he or she was conducting the research. She had never come across someone who was so enthusiastic about their job. She paid little attention to what her grandma had already conveyed.

She was sipping her well-prepared black tea silently, closing her eyes with pleasure at the relaxing sensation it provided.

Her breathing became more relaxed as she sat down, and she noticed that her palms were sweating despite the fact that they were still chilly. She put her hands on the exquisite porcelain cup to warm them up.

"It was unexpected to receive the confirmation letter from Mr. Ackerman with such speed. I am the only remaining member of this family, and I can already feel the passage of time in my body. You understand my concern about not being able to see my grandchildren grow up," she admitted.

"I've killed for way less."

"Levi,'' the commander shook his head in disbelief at his subordinate's inappropriately harsh attitude, "I beg your pardon for his disrespectful attitude."

"I know exactly what we're getting ourselves into, Commander Smith. Mr. Ackerman does not scare me; in exchange for marrying my granddaughter and bringing status to my family, you receive money and the family company. Besides, I believe the crown was already asking that the blood be preserved."

Levi adjusted into a more defensive position, clinched his teeth, and made the decision to remain silent.

Like her mother,she had a strong personality and detested being dominated or intimidated. Although she adored her father, she was aware that he could become fairly complacent or even dangerously naive. As a result, she covered her smirk beneath the teacup. She took a moment to stare the moody man in the eye, who was strangely calm and complained nothing. She wasn't yet sure if this was an ideal or bad indication.

After talking in more depth, resolving the different doubts, and agreeing that the Ral family would be in charge of organizing the engagement, the government would reveal the news to the local publications. Undoubtedly, a scandal would be ignited. Everyone in the room was debating the terms enthusiastically, except the captain. His extraordinary ability to reply only in monosyllables From time to time, she would throw him a sidelong glance, hoping for some expression other than his emotionless countenance of absolute blankness and lack of interest. He was refusing even to participate in conversation. To the young woman, it appeared a surprise that he had not uttered a word toward her. The man found good porcelain and black tea leaves more interesting.

When she noticed that the contents of the cup had run out, she got hold of the teapot that had been delivered by one of the employees and replenished its contents into Levi's cup. A well-practiced action. Taking him by surprise, he arched his eyebrows at her in questioning yet mumbled a sincere thank you. She bowed to him and rose up with a teapot in hand, asking the other guests if they needed more tea. Only Hange took another cup so that she would not feel self-conscious that the commander and the gray-haired woman would not stop conversing about confidential topics.

After tea, the affluent family served her a glass of wine that had the guests amazed by the taste. When the lady of the house looked around and observed the guests' empty cups, she asked for a refill. The pleasingly sweet flavor of the wine provided them with a false sense of security as they drank it, taking glass after glass and emptying bottles.

"So, Mrs. Ral, we agree that the ceremony will take place in 3 months from now." Erwin rose up and was followed by Levi and Hange. "It was nice chatting with you and finally meeting you in person." He stated this as the two of them escorted the Scouts out toward the main door

Levi had agreed to stay for the weekend at the family's request. In order for the engaged pair to get to know each other better. They exchanged their final goodbyes, thanking them for their presence considering how hectic the job was.

In a matter of seconds, when she looked around, her brows furrowed. Her prospective spouse had apparently expertly departed the scene. Silent as a falling feather.

"Petra, do you mind if you go looking for him? We don't want him to get lost. Also take the opportunity to show him his room." She stated this as she left Petra alone.

He couldn't walk so far; the mansion, albeit fairly huge, wasn't infinite. Walking leisurely, she hoped she would encounter him purely by coincidence.

Passing through the second level, where there was a wonderful library, always attracted by reading and writing, became her first stop. That's when she spotted him standing in front of a double door, where faint light streamed through the gap in the door. He was leaning against the robust door, and moved by curiosity, he turned the knob to open it.

It was locked.

Levi leaned more firmly against the hard wood of the door, his attention concentrating on the steady banging that could be heard on the other side of it.

"Mr. Ackerman, I suggest that you move away from the door if you do not want to see my servants engaging in sexual intercourse. Unless you're a pervert."

"I'm not." He moved casually towards Petra. "It appeared that a homicide was taking place."

"Do you require the services of an escort?"

"Can you take me where I will sleep?"

She cordially requested to accompany her through the mansion, which is far too big for two people and a few maids. Everything was spotless and well organized. clearly seeing how the lifelessness of the room contrasted with how distinct the design was. It didn't matter that everything of value—exquisite designs or vivid colors—filled the interior. It was soulless.

Petra opened the door and showed him a dark room with a large bed in the center, freshly cleaned bedding, and plush cushions. There was a balcony facing one of the gardens that were dispersed around the exterior of the house. Levi brushed his hands over the shelf of books that stood against the wall next to the closed window of the little balcony. Petra listened to him whistling in amazement as she took care of lighting the little fireplace. This being a vast building, the cold was present in every corner of the different areas. When she finished, she went in through the door leading to a private bathroom close to the bed. They were now in the bathroom together. She quickly started filling the tub with water. He would never bathe in one; habituated to quick military showers, it was a frivolous luxury.

She got up as he sat on the tub's edge, feeling the water heating up.

Hot water in the bathtub, great tea, a clean house, and the silence that someone like him couldn't have living in a barracks full of men who failed to maintain basic personal hygiene. She reasoned that he could grow used to it.

"Here are some towels. Your belongings have already been stored. I couldn't help but notice the few clothes," she said, amazed at herself. "I wasn't being nosy; it's just for the weekend, so there won't be much change of clothes."

"As you say," he responded flatly and uninterestedly. "Unless you are a pervert, I advise you to go out and let me take a bath."

"I'm not."

Petra was still standing there in the doorway of the luxurious bathroom, Levi lifted an eyebrow and a grin developed on his face.As she expected, the man had no issue undressing in front of her; she knew it was his way of frightening her out. To his misfortune, she was by no means shy about it; after all, they would witness how they came into the world as they consummated their marriage. She took advantage of the time he undressed, starting with the top of his black suit. Now alone with him, she had a few additional concerns to bring up to him. She put her back straight and placed her hands behind her back; her eyes were concentrated on nothing in particular.

"I know you do it for the money; I have my reasons for accepting it myself, Mr. Ackerman." Her mouth became a hard line, and she busied herself gazing at the ceiling as he proceeded to unbuckle his belt. Taking a breath and exhaling, she concentrated her sight on the wall behind him. "I have some requests to make."

"Very good, then I'll tell you mine too, carrot head."

She rolled her eyes, but this time she would let him pass. She felt the splash of water and Levi's satisfied sigh, finally willing herself to look him in the face.

"I promise to be a proper wife; however, I don't want any sexual contact before marriage."

"Perfect, we agree on that."

"I want you to moderate your vulgar vocabulary when you are with me and my family or my friends."

He nodded.

"You should know that I need us to have some kind of communication and time together; I don't want to live together with a complete stranger."

"Reasonable"

"That's all I have to say."

"Good, now listen to me carefully," he said authoritatively. "You can know things about me, but nothing too personal; everything stays between us; no chit-chatting with your friends. Forget about romantic novels if you don't want to be disappointed." That's the most he's talked about all day. "Since we agreed on absolutely no sexual contact,I don't have any more requests."

He let his body sink deeper into the water and closed his eyes in relaxation in the warm bath.

"Thank you; enjoy your bath, Mr. Ackerman," she said honestly, and as she was ready to walk away, she heard him address her, and being in another world, she didn't exactly understand him.

"Excuse me?." 

"Levi, just Levi."

Ah, yeah, that's it; there was no reason for her to call him so formally.

"So, Petra, just Petra."

[mobius-m-mobius]

You wanna hear a good story? Listen to this one.

Mobius + comfort

[mintypsii]

guys i love them i promise i just have the urge to put them through the grinder sometimes

umm on the bright side here's the alternate good ending version lol!!!!!

[myokk]

💘

[mildmayfoxe]

WORLDS GREATEST con artist / cheapskate / stud / boozer / dancer / brat / space cadet / bs'er / hypochondriac / nut / burden / losing gambler / playmate / animal / party-goer

[wikitpowers]

remember the day twp titles were released? yeah take me back

[hecatesbroom]

did I finally manage to write a brand new fic? I sure did!! with many, many thanks to the lovely @eeblouissant for inspiring me with these beautiful drawings of Blanche dipping Dorothy (and the incredibly sweet follow-up with Rose playing the piano, after our chat about this scene!!) I hope I managed to do it justice ;)

Summary

When Dorothy mentions she’s never been dipped before, Blanche and Rose decide to take matters in their own hands.

[kazumist]

TAKE A CHANCE WITH ME .ᐟ

✩ — childe had always told you he liked you, but you never took his words seriously and dismissed them as his antics. however, after seven years of pining, can he prove to you that he's actually serious about his feelings? (or in which childe wants you to have a chance with him.)

✩ — childe x gn!reader. best friends to lovers trope. fluff, and uhm angst if u squint. no cws. wc: 784. reblogs and feedback are appreciated !!

✩ — zhongli was mentioned for no reason at all tbh. reader isn't oblivious btw it's more like indenial i think idk theyre complicated lol but yea you'll get it once u read it,, a proper drabble for this ramble i did back then :]

childe had told you numerous times that he had liked you for as long as you had known him. he always slips it into the conversation, even if it's completely off-topic. if you could get a penny every time childe says he likes you, then you'd be pretty rich right now.

it's not that you doubted his words (well, okay, maybe you do have a bit of doubt); it's more like you always thought that it was just another one of his antics. though you don't actually know if he's serious with what he says on this matter, you just dismiss it as childe teasing once again.

you and childe had this thing on fridays where you’d watch movies together. it’s a new movie every week unless you both agree to rewatch something. and while sitting on his couch, it isn’t any different. childe has said that he likes you about two times now, both with that cheeky grin he usually wears when he's teasing you.

(you wondered about it at some point—what if it's all true? maybe the reason he confesses in this way is to make it less awkward, and he could take it back if he ever gets rejected? you wouldn't really know, not when you can't keep count of the "i like you"s that childe has told you the whole time you have known him.

but one question always stuck in the back of your mind: who are you to childe? or rather—who is childe to you?

if you were to ask that of someone else, they’d say that you’re his best friend—the most obvious answer. you two have been inseparable ever since you met. however, the term best friend for him didn’t sit well with you.)

the movie was paused due to your quick bathroom break, and as you were going back, you were telling childe about the time zhongli forgot his wallet while you two were out buying materials for your project. but by the time you sat back down, childe looked troubled—agitated, even.

you called his name once or twice, yet there was no response. it wasn’t until you snapped your fingers in front of childe’s face that he snapped out of his thoughts.

"hey, you look pretty bothered; should we ditch the movie for this week?" you asked him.

but he didn’t answer; instead, he asked, "i know this is sudden, but... did you at least believe me once?"

you were speechless. what did he mean by that? surely he isn’t referring to that, right? (even if you wanted to not believe it, deep inside you knew what he was talking about.) you knew this would be a topic between the two of you sooner or later, but you didn’t expect to have this conversation now, of all times.

however, if you were to answer yes, you did believe it. you did, you did, you did—you believed all of it.

despite your lack of response, childe continued on. "i guess you didn't. i mean, it's okay. i guess my confessions didn't really seem sincere to you which is understandable."

"childe." you called.

"i mean, who would actually believe a guy who randomly confesses in the middle of a conversation? and the fact that i did it countless times? god, why did i do that? i'm stupid, aren’t i?"

"childe."

"i'm sorry, i really should've been more sincere at least once—" 

"childe!" he shuts up immediately.

before you could actually say anything else, childe spoke up again.

"i love you."

in the seven years that he has loved you, childe has never felt this impatient. he never felt this suffocated from all the feelings he kept for you this whole time. 

he expected the silence you gave him again, but his chest felt lighter now that he managed to say those three words. although the silence stings and now there’s a tense atmosphere between you both, childe has never felt any better.

on the other hand, you were still processing it all. you were asking yourself again: who is childe to you? he’s your best friend, of course. you love him—

oh.

oh.

you love him. you love childe, and he loves you. but it was no ordinary love between friends; it was a love that was more than friends could ever share. and it all came crashing to you that, truly, a universe without childe by your side would be mundane.

"i love you too," you finally replied.

"take a chance with me?"

a small nod is all what childe needs as a sign to kiss you.

there’s really no one else in the world with whom you’d rather fall in love except for him.

[sasanka-27]

It’s real

| Fandom: supernatural | Pairing: Dean/Castiel | Words: 7k+

| Type: oneshot | Rating: Teen and up | Author: Sasanka27

Summary: Morning of his birthday Dean wakes up alone doubting if he hadn’t dream the good parts of his life.

Link:

[blueskittlesart]

profs will set the due date for the final as april 24 and then STILL NOT HAVE THE FUCKING ASSIGNMENT UP TO SUBMIT THE PAPER BY 11PM ON APRIL TWENTY FUCKING THIRD

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

Ted/Rebecca + Ensemble. 5,400 words. Ted and Rebecca brave Jane and Beard's one-year-anniversary vow renewal.

[chamerionwrites]

A thing about adulthood (though not exclusive to adulthood) is that now and then you will find yourself involved in a conversation in which the only truly reasonable response is to say “Even if I were a terrible person with no conscience, I would simply not admit to being a terrible person with no conscience. Out loud. Unprompted. In public.”

And then you have to decide whether to be the person who actually says it, thus taking the heat for Making A Scene

[sunsetzer]

Assorted FFVI headcanons because these blorbos live in my head rent free: Edgar edition

- He became king at 17 and had to keep up an alliance with the people who killed his father alone for ten years, this man absolutely has anxiety

- Is used to suppressing said anxiety because he has to be dependable

- Definitely had a breakdown at some point in front of his friends and felt mortified; his friends don't judge him for it

- Workaholic- buries himself in his duties so he doesn't have to think about his feelings

- Tinkering as a means of comforting himself

- Actually quite the artist, especially sketching plans for machines, totally has a little notebook somewhere with rough sketches of various things and people he's encountered, Relm finds it at some point

- Doesn't hate kids but really also has no idea what to do with them if he's asked to watch them, will agree anyway (especially if it's for Terra)

- Always forgets to drink enough water

- Used to both hot and cold weather since he lives in a desert

- Outfit covers his whole body to protect from the sun but is very breathable so he's not overheating

- More of a survivalist than you'd expect him to be, especially knows a lot about the desert

- Can MacGyver the most seemingly unrelated useless objects into something useful

- The constant skirt chasing and flirting is intentionally exaggerated and he is not actually Like That to the level it seems

- Very bisexual, definitely has/had a thing with Locke or Setzer or both and also has a thing for Terra (good thing he's got two hands!)

- 100% would be down for polygamy

- Blonde hair is weird for a desert dwelling people with darker skin (related: I just cannot picture the figabros as white, they would burn so bad in the desert) but it's a Figaro royal family thing and of course Edgar is proud of it and vehemently refuses to cut it at all, impracticality be damned

- Uses some kind of special conditioner so even though the desert is hot and dry, his hair is very soft and shiny

- Figaro's native dishes can be notoriously spicy so the twins have a high spice tolerance

- Edgar absolutely deliberately chooses the spiciest dishes his country has to offer when entertaining fellow politicians he does not like, and his guests can't really complain because spices are one of those things that mean status and whatnot, so refusing a spicy meal is like slapping Edgar in the face, so he's just sitting there having a nice time and the other guy is internally on fire (yes he did do this to Gestahl and Kefka, the latter of which barely had a reaction to the pain and deeply unsettled him)

- Zero patience for nobility who look down on common folks

- Visits South Figaro incognito to check on his people, some of them have figured out it's him but they keep quiet about it

- Had the death penalty abolished in Figaro very early on in his reign

- Was personally responsible for the invention of air conditioning

- Gets adorably excited when talking about machines, will completely forget that not everyone understands technical jargon

- Very sentimental, has a collection of mementos from his travels, definitely still has the Gerad getup

- Will never admit it out loud but at least one of his friends has figured out that he can be calmed by stroking his hair, like a cat (it was probably Locke, they've known each other the longest, he definitely tells the rest of them because it's adorable and silly, yes Sabin was already aware of this)

- If he had a choice he'd be living in a little workshop building and repairing things for people instead of running a country

- A little bit vain but not obnoxious about it, mostly because he's supposed to keep up a certain image as the king

- Actually enjoyed being Gerad and not having to be proper all the time

- Is not stuck in Figaro all alone after the game because I refuse to believe they'd all just go back to doing their own things, instead his friends show up to pull him away from working himself to death and help take some of the burden off of his shoulders

EDIT: Can't believe I forgot my own headcanon I've already posted about but: migraines

Can you tell I think a lot about Figaro and the twins, because I think A Lot about them, I think the desert kingdom is very neat and desperately want to see it rendered in modern CG (I can't help imagining it would be like the desert region in ff16 every time the plot sends me there; please square I beg of you)

[jcryptid]

Have to routinely stop myself from bashing myself for making characters certain races and genders bc “what if this is insanely offensive to some people?” by asking one very simple question:

Do people like this actively exist?

If the answer is yes, then maybe I can stop feeling bad about giving my beautiful, disabled, black, baby boy dnd character a love of the colour pink.

Ya know, bc art is all about translation, and people are gonna people regardless of if some random asshole on the internet decides their existence is problematic.

[orcelito]

Oh yeah I Also did so good on one of my homework assignments that my professor sent me This,

Informal proof so good that he's asking if he can use it as an example for other students. This is remarkable, given the fact that I detest informal proofs with my entire mind body and soul. But apparently I'm still pretty decent at writing them.

[unfunnyaceartist]

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha