#finally realized it was the video's fault not mine

[dalkyum]

Dispatch Photoshoot Making ↳ HOT VER. ☾*ﾟ

[silverynight]

The first time Katsuki tackles him to the ground, Izuku is sure his friend is angry with him, but then the blond starts nuzzling gently against his cheek before mumbling something like: "I'm tired. Haven't slept that much..."

Of course Izuku convinces him to stand up only for the two of them to stumble on the couch together. Katsuki sleeps for a while with his arms around Izuku's waist.

The next time he gets tackled to the ground doesn't make sense... Someone is about to give him a hug and Katsuki jumps at him before it happens.

The poor girl looks so disappointed.

"What are you doing, Kacchan?" He mumbles, noticing that one of the explosive boy's hands is on the back of his head in order to protect him from the fall. He tries not to find that sweet because Katsuki just scared someone off. "She needed comfort..."

"No, she didn't," the other boy growls, before burying his face in the curve of Izuku's neck. "She just wanted an excuse to hug you."

"That doesn't make any sense, why would she–"

"Shut up, nerd," Katsuki cuts him off, irritated, although he melts into Izuku's arms.

His friend keeps tackling him to the ground, but never once to start a fight, on the contrary, he's very gentle every time they end up on the ground and makes sure Izuku doesn't get hurt.

It takes Izuku a while, but he realizes that it's Katsuki's way of initiating a hug.

He doesn't think too much of the way Katsuki's arms wrap around him or the way he nuzzles against Izuku's soft cheek every time.

Uraraka tells him that he's showing him affection and that he wants something more from him, but Izuku doesn't believe her.

Until Katsuki starts pressing his lips against Izuku's forehead and sometimes his curls.

"Kacchan, is there something wrong–"

The boy growls frustrated before pressing his lips against Izuku's, prompting him to shut up. It takes little encouragement for Izuku to kiss him back.

He giggles against Katsuki's mouth when he feels warm hands sliding inside his t-shirt; Izuku blushes but he doesn't stop him, instead he puts his arms around Katsuki's neck to pull him even closer.

"Oh, no... It's finally happening! I don't want to see it!"

"Then fuck off, Dunce face!"

"Yes, Kaminari, stop interrupting them!" Ashido nods, taking a video of them.

"WHAT THE HELL, PINKY?"

"It's not my fault you decided to make out with your little boyfriend in the common room!"

Izuku blinks a couple of times as Katsuki takes him in his arms and carries him to his room...

What Ashido just said keeps echoing in his mind.

"Am I your boyfriend now, Kacchan?"

"Hell yeah, you are, nerd. Only mine."

***

Patreon

[cordeliawhohung]

Pup anon here, there’s just some backstory and yapping on this one followed up by a really sweet moment w him

It's definitely been a few days, I'll probably send different asks because I'll yap a lot lol, let's start with my job, I'm an OF manager, I edit the videos, the pictures, sometimes record the content, I manage the posts, the stories, the PPV, the sells, the lives, answer the texts, literally everything that goes down, I've worked with girls from several countries, but the last few months I worked with two from mine besides my usual girl that I've been working with for like two years now, they have huge platforms, like HUGE, so I said why not? that'll make me good money, boy did I know. One of them didn't work out, she wasn't mean or anything, but she wanted me to work every day from like 7 am to 12 pm for $160 every two weeks while I was making her thousands of dollars so that clearly didn't work out, with the third girl I was making good money, a lot, between all of them I was getting money like every week and a half, I always had money and living the good life, but the third girl was mean af, she always fucked something up and then called me to yell at me and call me names and to tell me to fix it up and that it was my fault (even if I wasn’t even working at the moment) at one point it became unbearable and I said nah we're done, now I'm just working with the usual one, she's an angel and I'm still making a good living.

Anyway, I'm autistic (this all sounds like a whole mess of information but I promise that it'll make sense) so it has never been easy for me to make friends since I was little, someone could be straight up bullying me and I would realize like a month later, and until today it stays the same lmao, but a few years ago I made some friends, never had problems with them, just one girl that we broke contact with like a year ago and she asked for forgiveness this year and everything went back to normal, in that meantime when we weren't talking to her me and the other girl became really close, like always together every single day, in that time my mom got cancer, she passed away a few months ago and even in that she was always there, that night she came to the hospital like at 12 am after my mom passed away for me to not be alone, spent the night at my house and helped me clean it after days on sleeping on the hospital, ordered food, etc, and even after that girl rejoined we stayed the same, I struggle way too much with expressing my affection with words, and she hates physical touch, so I was always giving her gifts to try to express it, we were always going out, exploring new places, having fun and I payed for everything, but when I ended up with just one job I couldn't do that anymore and she magically went back to being close to the other girl, always being at her house, not answering my texts anymore, she magically had money to spend with her but with me she never had any and we literally spent like two months without seeing each other (we live 5 minutes away) but she was always travelling to see the other girl so of course I got sad, felt conflicted because as I said earlier she hasn't been a bad friend, but of course the whole situation was hurting, on top of it I had been under a lot of stress, I had been sick a few days prior, my mom's birthday is coming up in a few days,I had an argument with my brother, my ex from a few years ago was leaking some old pics so yeah I just reached my limit at the time, I was (am) feeling a little used, I tried to talk with her about it but she brushed it off and simply said that I was misunderstanding and went back to keep being like that so I was sad and curled up in a ball for a few days, I didn't even check the phone, nothing, so here finally comes the main part lmao, I wasn't texting him back or asking him to meet or anything

He decided to come knock on my door after a few days, said that he was worried that something had happened to me or that he made something to upset me, when I opened it I was a mess, and as soon as he asked me if something was wrong I cried lol, couldn't even say anything so he just picked me up, closed the door and took me to the couch and sat me on his lap, letting me just cry and hug him, running his hand on my back, rocking me, kissing my head, after a while I finally told him what happened while still sniffling I looked awfulllllllll, he just listened to me, (the problem with my ex magically resolver itself, i’m not planning on asking) kissed my face and told me to go take a warm bath, I did, when I came out he had my favorite food ready, my favorite tv show ready, my favorite snacks, my cats snuggled up on the couch, a bat plushie, I don't even know where he got all that in an hour but I cried again lol, we spent the rest of the day / night together and he slept in for the first time, it was really sweet, we slept cuddled up with my cats, had breakfast together, still feels unreal

putting your other ask underneath the cut that way i can keep it all together for my brain

Now here’s the nasty stuff lol After all of that, that same next day he told me that he rented us an Airbnb on the mountain on a forest that I love for a few days, (I live in a very rural country, there's nature literally everywhere you look, but that forest it's just unreal with waterfalls and everything) Those were the best days of my whole life, the cabin was beautiful, it had a balcony on the room facing a river, it was just amazing, the first days I spent them getting calm and relaxed again, walking with him, watching animals, TV, anything, one of those nights we were kissing and stuff and after a while I was begging him to let me suck him off, I was dying to do that, I wanted to see, to everything, and he finally agreed, that ended up in me learning to deep throat a dick that was the size of my head, crying, a mess of drool, he made me ride his boot while I did it (that was the condition for him to let me) he talked about getting me a collar, of how pretty of a pet I would make, that I was made to just be dotted on and taken care of, that he would do just that, so many things that I can't even remember because my brain was all mush and not a single thought (I don't know how much to elaborate on it because I'm nervous that it'll be too much lmao, what a thing to be nervous about in a smut blog) I begged for him to fuck me but he told me that I wasn't ready for that yet, that he still needed to test my limits a little more, see how far he could go, get me ready for other things, etc, he did fuck my thighs and now I'm scared of fucking bc tell me why that thing reached my belly button, He also made me ride his face which I was terrified of but ended up being heaven, he spanked me, said he wanted to test how much I could take of it since I was begging so much for him to be rough, ended up in me once again crying, shaking, unable to stand from my jelly legs and the pain on them but hey I took it like a champ even if it was hurting like a bitch every single second and I still have bruises, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would and now he's agreeing to be a little rougher with me. When we went back home we went to my apartment to pick up some things that he left there, I was missing my cats so much, my brother had been feeding them and playing with them while I was gone, but tell me why I open the door and one of the little bastards goes straight past me while I'm saying hi to the others and goes to nuzzle on his leg? That was straight up betrayal. But to end this update and besides it, I just wanted to say that I read every single thing that you post and I wish that I could find the words to explain how your works make me feel, every single word that you write simply makes the most ethereal thing I have ever read, just leaves me with my mouth hanging every time, I had no idea that reading something could make me feel the things that are being described, to actually get immersed into it, your dark fics / series are like heaven to me, every single one of your works is, thank you for the simple fact of existing in the same timeline as me (And never be afraid of calling for me for updates, I sometimes forget, but for you I’ll become an entity that you can just summon on your blog every time you want)

--

okay first off, holy shit you've had a lot going on alsdkjf i'm so so sorry to hear about that weird stuff with your friend, situations like that is always so crazy complicated! like you have the right to be upset but you're right it's so hard to like, explain why you're hurting at the same time ): and i'm so sorry to hear about your mom. loss is so insanely difficult to deal with, and it always gets extra heavy around anniversaries like that too but i'm so glad he seemed to notice!!! (we gotta give him like, a code name to call him by or something lmfao) that's so crazy sweet of him to come over and check on you and be there for you, to like, make that effort. to not just be like "oh well she's not messaging me out of the blue fuck her i guess" but to ensure that you were alright )))): also, major green flag that he loves the cats and the cats love him haha.

AS FOR YOUR SECOND ASK-

girlllllll his pet kink is going WILD i fucking love that for you. wanting to collar you and everything oh my god. also, idk if this is just me personally, but it's like such a green flag imo when guys don't wanna have straight up sex right away. like just that anticipation and wanting to get comfortable? idk there's something about it and i love that for you so much. and it sounds like you're figuring out your a masochist a little bit LMFAO ( i get it i'm a bruise kink girly myself too) also don't be worried about like, sharing too much like whatever you are comfortable with of course! but the CATS DARTING PAST YOU oh the traitor. you're stronger than i am, i would've sobbed on the spot. but omg the fact he was like "let's get her out of the house to relax' is so crazy sweet of him ):

and you're crazy sweet ): i'm so glad you enjoy the works and i'm so glad to be able to interact with you like this! i feel like we are just like. sharing our dms with the world or something LMFAO i'm making you my familiar now, you're officially a cat in my mind i'll shake the box of treats to summon you lmfao. but eek! thank you so much for the update. so sorry to hear you were having a shitty time but i'm glad you have someone there to support and care for you (: (truly living your best Y/N dream lmao)

[cloudycleric]

hi Ollie! just wanna start by saying I love your channel. your favorite video of mine is the one where you were talking about how you think Will Byers has autism.

you said that you have autism but you were misdiagnosed first and that you thought you couldn't have autism because you had already been told that you don't have it. I was wondering what made you get diagnosed when you'd already been told that you don't have it.

I went to get diagnosed a few months ago but was told that I don't have it. I'm only asking because I genuinely think that I have autism and that it was a misdiagnosis. any advice? also you dont have to answer if its like too personal or something. sorry if its confusing and doesn't make a lot of sense.

also here's a picture of byler kissing to hopefully make your day better! <3

hi hello !!!

thank you for the picture i lobe it!

as for why i decided to retest for autism—

it kinda just… worked out. the more that i thought about it after my first testing came back negative, the more that i realized that i was in fact autistic, & some of the things in document that said i wasn’t autistic were objectively untrue & my mom noticed, too.

that was not fault to the tester, she was lovely, it’s just that a lot of testers only really know how to diagnose traditional autism in amab people. with being afab, or even trans, autism can present itself differently. i know there’s haha jokes about girl & boy autism but, there is some objective truth there. it also doesn’t help testers who have a more deep understanding of the ‘traditional’ autism that people who are afab or trans or whatever have a way better time hiding or masking their autism. i’d say, when deciding to retest, really examine whether or not you feel your are masking.

anywho, back to the story—

my therapist’s office has a child psychologist who specialized in therapy for lgbtq+ youth & occasionally did screenings for things like adhd, autism, among other disorders & neurodivergent stuffs. she was amazing, she was able to work directly with my therapist on parts of the tests & for professional input, as well as used a more friendly test based on experience as a person, not as whether or not you check boxes or act a certain way during certain testing sessions.

the tests it took were the Behavior Rating Inventory of Executive Functioning, Second Edition (BRIEF-2), Self-and Parent-Reports & Monteiro Interview Guidelines for Diagnosing the Autism Spectrum, Second Edition (MIGDAS-2), which the psychologist described as much more “affirming” & “validating”. by the end of the session she told me, “i usually don’t immediately say this to clients, but you are very obviously autistic.”

getting that diagnosis was really good because it made people FINALLY start believing me when i said i was autistic. i’ve also noticed that it’s easier for me to de-mask now because i feel like the people around me now know why i act the way i do.

anywho, that’s my story! like i said, i would just really investigate whether or not you felt like the tester had an inaccurate view of you & if you were masking/how much masking you do on a daily basis.

I HOPE THIS HELPS!!!

[sanjoongie]

FFF~ Day 22

♡Pairing: Choi San x Reader (f) ♡Genre: smut with no plot ♡Au: modern prince, sci-fi ♡Word Count: 1,712 ♡Warnings: masturbation, san masturbates with your used panties, you masturbate to san masturbating on camera, mutual masturbation unknowingly(?), exhibitionism, f and m orgasm ♡Rated: 18+ MDNI ♡Masterlist link~ | Previous Day~ Voyeurism, CJH | Next Day~ Creampie, SMG ♡Dedication~ @mejuii & @downtoamagicalland the unholy trinity beta team

You tugged down on your blazer, checked your make up one final time in the camera of your phone and then clicked on the video call function. Prince San’s face popped up almost immediately, a slow smile blooming on his face.

“Your Highness,” You addressed the Crown Prince formally, “I would like to go over your itinerary before you fly to Mars.”

“There’s my favorite girl,” San drawled.

Even though it sent a shiver down your spine every time he called you that, you sighed loudly, pinching the bridge of your nose and raising your glasses. “Your Highness, I am your assistant, not your girl.”

“Still mine, whatever label you want to slap on,” San smirked.

“Your Highness, please,” You begged, “Did you go over the itinerary?”

“Nope,” San answered you, shrugging his shoulders, “Why do I need to go over it when I’ve got an assistant for that?”

You gave him your most professional smile and then proceeded to go over each point in painstaking detail. Typically, San would yawn and close his eyes, and pretend to take a cat nap, purely to piss you off. But today, he leaned in, his palm cupping his chin and he focused. It was a bit unnerving, having his gaze directly on you, but you didn’t falter as you reminded him that he was supposed to spend a fair amount of time with the Emperor of Mars son and--you saw San lick his lips and then bite down on them.

“Your Highness, are you even listening to me?” You demanded.

“Sure am,” He quipped, “Besides the fact that I have to pretend to like Hongjoong, what else do you have for me, Doll?”

You pursed your lips but could find no fault in his listening skills. “I shouldn’t have to remind you that paparazzi are most likely going to be following you the entire time, so can we please avoid what happened last time?”

San chuckled deeply, “What happened last time?”

“Oh, nothing bad,” You said sarcastically, “Just the press finding you with three women, all Martians, and some with some particularly interesting adjustments to their physics.”

“You know, you were supposed to be the one to find me first,” San drolled. 

Your spine stiffened. “Are you telling me that nightmare of a clean up had been a show for me?!” 

“ ‘course it was, Doll. Don’t you remember what happened before that?” San smiled knowingly.

You felt the beginning of a headache coming on. During your career as the Crown Prince of Earth’s personal assistant, you had made one mistake: you had slept with San. It had been a moment of weakness and you cursed yourself every day for breaking down the one time. The circumstances had been different then. San had confessed to quite a few mental issues he was dealing with being the Crown Prince and you had looked to console him. He had taken it a step further and you had not said no to him. He was extremely charming, when he wanted to be. When you woke up the next morning, you had quickly realized your mistake in crossing that line and firmly slammed that boundary back in place. The following day you two had traveled to Mars in uncomfortable silence and then San had pulled that stunt. At the time, you had just thought he had done it to make your life a living hell but if what San was implying at…

“You did that to make me jealous?” You demanded incredulously. 

San changed the subject immediately, “You know, you’re quite hot when you’re angry.”

You rolled your eyes for the umpteenth time. “Your Highness, I’m logging off now. I will see you in the morning when we must depart.”

San blew you a kiss and then you focused on your computer screen, waiting for San to hang up on you. You heard him tap his screen but the screen didn’t go dark. You had hung up on your end but San’s camera was still going. Instead, San sat back deep in his chair and groaned. And it wasn’t the type of groan that one let out when they were stressed or frustrated. No, this groan was purely sinful.

You opened your mouth to tell him he was still on camera when your eyes took in what exactly he was doing and… San was masturbating. And by the look of his hard on… he had been doing it while you two had been talking. That little shit.

“Oh, Dollface,” San sighed, “Your mouth is so good on my cock like that. Do you like being a dirty girl and blowing me under my desk? What if someone was to come in and catch us?”

You couldn't help but pull your phone closer to you. What was he using to… your mouth went dry. You recognized those panties: they were yours. What a little pervert! When had he snuck into your room and stolen a pair of your recently used panties to jerk off to? Who did he think he was???

You stood up abruptly to bring this to a halt but had to sit back down when your knees buckled and San let out a throaty groan. Why had you agreed to work for a boss who was hot? It was honestly going to be your downfall.

“Greedy girl,” San teased himself. He slowed down on his pace, rolling his palm leisurely over the head of his cock, “You want my cock in your sweet hole now?”

You had to muffle a groan of your own. Why was this man so good at dirty talk?

“C’mere,” He patted his thigh, “Come bounce on my dick, Dollface. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Against your better judgment, you opened your legs and your fingers found your core. Your silk underwear were positively soaked already. You pressed two fingers down on your hole and began to run them up and down your slit, teasing yourself even more.

“Look at you,” San laughed quietly, “Both sets of lips so wet and desperate for my cock.” You pressed your lips together upon seeing that San had started to fuck his hand again, your panties wrapped around his dick. “You know you don’t have to beg for anything with me, right? You can just come to see me any time and I’ll gladly fuck away your stress.”

You now had to bite down on your finger, letting the sharp pain remind you that San had no sweet clue he was still on call with you. You pushed your panties aside and plunged your fingers into your core, sweeping up the slick and then began to circle your clit. You were in your office, it was the beginning of the day, and you couldn't afford a drawn out orgasm. You had to be direct and quick. 

“That’s it, Doll, take all of me, just like I know you’re good at,” San groaned, “You love being stuffed by me, don’t you? Love taking me inch by inch into that tiny pussy of yours. Fuck, you’re so tight, dollface. Your so fucking wet and eager, just for me. You don’t dare let anyone else fuck this pussy, do you? Your pussy is private property of the royal prince himself. I should get that tattooed on your damn pussy lips.”

You were whimpering quietly at San’s dirty talk. He was working himself up in a frenzy and you were desperate to find your high along with him. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was licking his damn lips again. He looked so damn fine in his button up shirt, the jacket carelessly thrown on the back of his chair. You could see a glimpse of his tense thighs as he searched out his orgasm, lost in his made up world with you.

“Oh, please tell me I can come inside of you,” San begged sweetly, “I promise I’ll be on my best behavior when we go to Mars. I won’t even blow Hongjoong if he asks me to, even though I love doing that for him. Please, dollface, please let me come inside?”

You didn’t even have a chance to absorb that new piece of information because you were coming hard. Your back arched and small whimpers escaped the back of your throat as it rushed through you. It was too quick and too soon and extremely unsatisfying. You wanted to be fucked… you wanted to be fucked by the Crown Prince. Fuck.

“That’s it, doll, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’M COMING!” San shouted with such gusto that you fumbled to turn down the volume of the call, and somehow, rejoined the call. Oh shit. 

San was the epitome of disheveled: sweat was clinging to his hairline, he was completely slouched in his chair, his cum was all over his dress shirt, and his chest moved desperately with his panting. 

You cleared your voice, “Your Highness?”

San’s voice was rough with lust now. “Yes, dollface?”

“I’m sorry to interrupt you but--”

A slow crooked smile pulled at San’s lips. “Interrupt? What do you mean? Didn’t you watch me this entire time?”

You choked on your words. You stuttered and stumbled and somehow lost your professional demeanor completely. That was what San did to you, after all. You sighed and decided to give up. “Was this another one of your shows again?”

“Yeah.” He had a full fledged grin now, his eyes disappearing and his dimples flashing, “Did you like it?”

“San,” You said his name shakily. 

San pouted dramatically, “Don’t pull that ice princess shit on me again.” He paused and his voice trembled, “Please.”

“If I admit that I liked it, will you please stop fucking about and let me do my job?” You asked.

San smiled sweetly and leaned into the camera. You almost laughed when he got too close, eyeing the camera before leaning back a bit. “I’ll stop fucking about if you admit that you got off to me and you let me fuck you properly before we go to Mars.”

You rubbed the bridge of your nose again. “San, I’ve got a headache.”

San giggled, high pitched and adorable. “I know a remedy for that. It’s called let me fuck your stress away.

♡Masterlist link~ | Previous Day~ Voyeurism, CJH | Next Day~ Creampie, SMG

[starredeclipse]

Exploring where you don’t belong: A short story

(want to read part one? Here you go )

Ever since that first day…..Madison has been alone, two weeks had passed and her parents still had not returned, after the third day she tried calling the cops but they laughed her claims off and dismissed what she said as a prank before she got a strong warning over the phone. It’s not like she didn’t try, she called the cops and they were of no help, she realized right then and there that she was on her own.

So after she fixed her alarm clock Madison started taking care of herself, she wasn’t the best at it since she never got taught on how to use the stove but luckily the microwave was always available, the clothes washing…..that was another story….she didn’t understand how to use the washer, it had so many buttons and it already leaked a lot of soap out of it the first time she touched it…..clearly she had done something wrong but she didn’t know what so she kind of just cleaned up the mess the best she could and didn’t touch it ever again. Luckily the sink was always available and she did have some soap products still that didn’t get taken so when she ran out of clothes during the first week she just simply started hand washing her clothes and hanging them up on the shower pole to dry.

It was a slower process but it did work, she made herself simple food options, luckily she never gets tired of chicken nuggets! Unfortunately the box of that had already run out but she still had other food so she wasn’t too worried….yet.

Today was just another day of being alone, she remembered how some kids in her class wished they could be alone so they could spend all day playing video games but to be honest….being alone isn’t what its cracked up to be…..she missed her parents and she didn’t understand why they were just gone, why there phone numbers no longer worked and why they didn’t just come home. Did she do something wrong? Had she somehow made them so mad that they just left her? Was this all her fault somehow? School never let her have those thoughts linger too much and luckily after school she would be hanging out with her friends……its not like she would get in trouble for staying out too late with them, after all she had nobody to tell her to go to bed or that she couldn’t hang out with her friends or that this was a bad idea and that they shouldn’t be going to a abandoned Pizza place with the large bear on it.

She walked behind her friends, Jack and Brittany were talking about a new movie they wanted to see while Teddy and Molly sort of just listened in but they didn’t say much until the group arrived at there destination “Well this this is the place, did everyone remember to bring there flashlights?” Teddy asked “Oh you know I got mine, I snagged it this morning” Jack said with confidence as he pulled it out of his bag revealing one of those black heavy duty flashlights “I didn’t forget mine” Molly took out a pink flashlight, it was small with a limited light trail when turned on.

“Really? Your not going to be seeing much with that” Teddy sighed before he saw his friends other flashlights “Well at least the rest of your flashlights are decent, come on, I’ve never gone further into this place, I’m kind of excited to explore the rest of it finally” to be truthful he was always scared to explore further into this place but now that his friends were joining him, he felt confident.

Molly looked unsure but Jack walked in with Teddy followed by Brittany, Molly looked at Madison “Are we really doing this?” She seemed kind of scared and honestly so was Madison “yeah, looks like it, come on we better go in or they won’t let us live this down if we bail” now was not the time to become a chicken, Molly sighed before she nodded to herself “Your right, your right, you always are” her blond hair hung loosely in its ponytail as she mentally prepared herself to go inside, Madison held the door open for her when she was ready and together everyone went inside “Woah this place is so cool!” Brittany squeaked as she took pictures “Yeah the lobby is pretty cool” Teddy said in agreement before the red head turned around to face her friends “Come on group photo in front of the counter, its only the best place for a photo before we really start our adventure!” She seemed so excited now that they all were inside “Sure why not” Jack just went along with it, he stood in front of the counter and waited for the others to join him before they all watched there friend drag a chair over, she sat the camera on the chair before she set the timer and joined her friends “Let’s do silly poses” yeeeaaahhh Jack wasn’t doing that but Teddy at least did some bunny ears while Brittany and Molly did some peace signs, everyone smiled before the camera flashed, a picture was officially taken “Yeah I bet that looks great!” Brittany went and picked up her camera before Teddy clicked on his flashlight, it was almost like a signal just went off, that it was officially time to adventure further in.

Molly looked unsure but with the boys walking into the main party room, everyone else followed close by “Wow, there confetti all over the floor” the red head spoke with awe in her voice as her flashlight showed all kinds of different things. There was several tables, chairs, confetti everywhere and the occasional deflated balloon, the paint was peeling from the walls but oddly enough Madison saw supplies next to the stage. She walked up to the stage to look at these supplies further and her flashlight confirmed they were construction materials “hey guys, I think maybe this place might be being renovated?” Everyone looked over to where she was flashing her light “Nah, I mean maybe somebody bought this place but I haven’t heard anything about them trying to restore the place” Teddy said with a thinking look on him “I mean maybe there just storing that stuff here, like a storage unit” Molly suggested, that seemed possible, when all the kids gathered by the stage the stage lights suddenly flashed on, everyone jumped and some even yelped in surprise since it was quite bright and startling “Wha? Huh?” Teddy froze, they were the only ones here, who turned on the stage lights??? “I-I-Is this place haunted?!” Molly squeaked fully freaked out “D-don’t be silly, ghosts aren't real!” Jack sort of shakily spat, it was obvious he was just trying to put on a brave face “Yeah, yeah he right” Madison said but she didn’t believe that “Maybe its some old tech we don’t know of, lets look around, I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for why those lights suddenly turned on” Teddy was spooked but he wasn’t going to be a coward, he took Mollys hand when she looked like she was just going to leave, she squeaked but she didn’t pull her hand free as Teddy started to lead her away from the door, they went to go find the cause of this together, meanwhile the rest of the friends stuck together and went into another room to see if they could find the cause of the lights. Brittany took photos here and there, the flash of her camera illuminated the dark spaces temporarily leaving the group on edge with ever single flash, this was like a horror movie.

Jack stopped when he located a electrical box with a switch “Ah this says stage lights” he proceeded to pull the switch back down, they heard the lights turn off but in a matter of three minutes the switch began to slowly slip into the on position until they heard the stage lights turn back on “Looks like its just a slippery switch, well that explains things, it just slowly slipped itself into the on position” Madison and Brittany let out a sigh of relief before they all heard a scream “Is that Molly and Teddy?!” Brittany sounded panicked, they sounded terrified, the three of them ran back into the party room, they came to a stop next to the stage, all eyes staring in disbelief……

[mediocre-shark-tales]

Qsmp x Streamer reader (6)

Summary - Prison Event Day 3

Warnings - In Game/lore- Mentions of abuse/torture, Violence, and swearing.

There is a chance for this to turn into a love trope of some kind but for now there is focus on fluffy platonic-ness

This series will not be 100% lore accurate, but it will be pretty close to it.

Masterlist

I logged in, once again met with the locked lonely prison cell of mine. However in the next few seconds while people were joining and fighting off mobs to "Clean" the prison. My screen faded to black as a video clip began to play, we had recorded this yesterday after the prison event day 2 closed. That way the others wouldn't know about it. It was partially from my pov, and a little bit here and there was animated.

My chat watched as the video showed a 3rd pov of me swimming up through an underwater tunnel. My animated Minecraft character had an angry face of determination as I swam faster and faster. Suddenly I swam up, breaking water as the video showed me flying into the air. In slow motion I transformed into my non-merperson form. Landing gracefully, a crossfade then led to my pov.

In front of me stood the extra tall darkened figure, they had blurred the character making it hard to tell anything about him besides his height. "So you have finally come to see me little shark?" The figure said in a young but deep male voice. I sighed and walk closer to him, staring at the window together. We could see the kingdom below and the beautiful land in the horizons as the sun began to set. "When you look out this window, what do you see?" I asked him. You could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke. "A happy kingdom free from sinners and forever prosperous" I looked up at him before looking back out on the land. The Sun was nearly half way gone down, letting a nice golden hue grace the land. "Well, I see that same kingdom you described but I also see the hidden truth to that beauty. Down there are people pretending to be happy, pretending to enjoy anything and everything their leader gives them. Or teach them." I could see him look down at me in my peripheral vision and I continued on. " However they are sad, they are forced to follow strict rules to act strict ways. They aren't a truly free people, a people with trust to live safely and happily."

I heard him sigh as he looked back out at the now darkened land, the sun officially gone. "A perfect kingdom like this comes at a cost little shark." I walked away from the window and back into the room. "But when does that cost become too great? When will you realize what this cost really is?" He turned and looked back at me. "When will you see this place the way I do. It used to be perfect and happy, but you were unsatisfied by it triumph. You craved more, and look where it's taken us." He almost growled at me with a sigh. "You just don't see the potential I can see for this place. The safe haven and happiness we can create if you just follow my lead."

I began to walk away, the figure following me when I spoke again. "You're right, I don't see what you see, because I am not blinded by my lust for the ultimate prosperity. I am not as Prideful to not hear the cries and begs of my people. Instead I have humility and honor, to uphold justice and happiness for the wellbeing of the people I serve. I can't force you to change you mind, to fix your faults. But I can tell you that the path you are following is only going to lead you to your terrible demise. If not then one day I won't recognize the man in front of me, and then no one will wish to follow you no more." I now stood in front of the water pool that I had sprung from earlier.

I had my back facing the water as I looked directly at the figure in front of me. "I do not wish to see you fall but I will not follow your words if it is to hurt those around us. You need to pick you battle wisely or You may lose me in the end." With that the video then showed me in a 3rd pov as I fell back into the water, instantly switching back to half shark mer person. Quickly swimming away as the video fades to black.

Then I 'woke up' breathing heavily as my pov came back to the current view of the prison.

When I 'Came back' everyone was finally awake including the kids and they were conducting their 'interviews'. When I was outside, I watched Charlie and Philza following ghost cellbit. However in seconds I was teleported again. I was once again face to face with that stupid main guard dude. Before he gave me th ebook again I spoke. "You already know what I am going to say, so let's save the chit chat and get on with it." However he still gave me a book.

Hello you worthless shark hybrid. I am more than happy to skip the useless formalities however this time I have information to share before your daily beating.

Our supervisors are finding more and more information about where you and the pathetic little creature came from. Even if you don't give us what we want. We will still find out what we want to know.

With that I threw the book back as the guard pulled out a long red sword. Quickly he began to attack me again as my name showed up being murdered over and over again in chat. This time I was killed double any of the other times. Around my death in chat was the others yelling for me, they wanted to find me and help me. But they wouldn't be able to do anything.

However I heard the slowly increasing voices of Fit, Phil, and Charlie. They had been nearby this time and ran into the respawn cell area to find me. The door had been locked and I could see them on the other side of the bars. Phil yelling the loudest for them to stop, while Fit and Charlie both yelled about how the guard was a coward fighting an unarmed prisoner. Even the eggs were there with them. With the last death my avatar skin changed one last time. I was now the worst looking that I had been. My clothes were in tatters as scars and fresh cuts shown from the rips. There were even a few on my face.

The guard went invisible and left the area as the other barged in with mini knives a-blazing. "You motherfucker! Coward!" Phil yelled looking around. Charlie and the eggs were first to come to me, laying on the ground. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON Y/N!!??" he yelled at me. I sighed and let my character get up as the other two came over.

"Please just listen to me before saying anything okay?" They nodded and agreed. "So until yesterday, I had no idea why exactly they were doing this. I have no memory of my past before that pirate ship you all saved me from. However they knew something, all they told me was they knew where I came from and they wanted information from me." I sighed. This is when my partial acting classes came in handy as I made myself sound like I was going to cry. It was for the lore though, gotta make this shit stick. With a wavy voice I continued. "I had no idea what they were talking about until yesterday when I began to hear voices, voices I know must be memories. The familiarity in them is too strong to not be a memory. Then today, I woke up from a dream one that was too vivid and too strong to not be a complete memory from my past. Only one thing wasn't vivid enough. The man I spoke to was simply a blurred figure in the room. What was said is scary and I hope that this all played out better for me than what might be possible" The others sighed around me.

Phil spoke first, "I'm glad you finally allowed us to hear your troubles, now let us help shoulder this dark cloud. Let us help piece together your blurred memories and snippets of voices. We want to help you y/n" I agreed to his terms, now was time for my lore to really join into theirs.

Slowly over the next few months, the real story would be pieced together with the islanders. Things would start to make sense, but the truth might come with a price. It may lead to opinions changing, but one can only hope it does not lead to the downfall of my friends or my friendships.

We all left the area, today was the day we were meant to escape. A few different ways to escape had been found but obviously we weren't finding the right one. Or more importantly the 'LORE ACCURATE' escape.

Now I was sitting in the middle of tubbo and Charlie who were running in a circle saying weird things. I honestly zoned out after a while. However suddenly Charlie left because he had plans and couldn't stay any longer to try and escape. So after saying goodbye Tubbo the eggs and I began to run and find the rest of the group.

We found them going to a green house, this was apparently supposed to be the lore related escape. We went down this hole in the ground where Quackity placed a lever. Once the levee was pulled, we all ran down an over grown cave system. When we got to the end we found that we would have to swim through a long sewer system.

Phil was ready to jump in and find out where to go, however I punched him back and chuckled. "You stay here, this is where I come in handy." I morphed into shark mer person and began to swim through the system. However the others still jumped in and got stuck in the exit as the for was closed. So I rolled my eyes and went looking for the lever to trigger the door. I heard everyone screaming at each other. I found the lever and flicked it opening the door for them. But it also got rid of all the water aswell. "Guys hurry I got the door open but we are losing the water with it!" This left a few eggs and people stuck thankfully quacks was the hero and broke the blocks so everyone could escape together.

Once out of the sewer system, we entered a a room where Phil had the right boots and could hit the button for us to enter the next room. It was really hard to pay attention as now there were too many chefs in the kitchen. Slowly we were making it through the mini escape rooms that was this prison escape.

It felt like ages before we entered a huge room, finally something less cramped. Except now we were running from guards trying to kill us to stop us. We just kept running, fighting off when we need to. Until finally we made it to the end of the tunnel and no more guards were after us. We were now in a room watching the same few clips play over and over showing us what looked like the nether. Once we had all seen the clip a few times we moved on.

This room showed a big ass red button that we thought we needed to hit. "this looks like a set up for the lore story.." Tubbo laughed and agreed before sunny hit me and placed a sign. The sign read "Shhhhhhh" and she stood next to it shaking her head back an forth.

We all split up and began working on the other rooms, I joined Phil's group. We had to figure out how to get an item along all the conveyor belts. The other groups basically speed run their rooms with ease. Soon we had everyone in our room and we were the last one with the need to finish.

This room was taking hours, however foolish and I decided we no longer wanted to wait like this. "Let's just spam the buttons." I agreed and we ignored the others as we began spamming the buttons.

It didn't take long until we ended up slapping the button and arrived in a random library looking room. Thunder played every now and then. I was becoming bored by this all until finally they played the final video of the night. We watched a dark figure insert a key to restart the island. We watched as the island was effected for a split second while the restart began. When we came to we were all kicked from the server.

I smiled at my chat, "That was good right chat?" They were all screaming and melting down about the server restart. I laughed as they went insane. However seconds later I was asked to join the call with everyone as they talked about this ending and how there was going to be a break before the QSMP was back up.

When I joined everyone was asking how I felt about this and I just had one small answer. "Well I had my own home for about 2 weeks, I literally finished the last addition to my house the day before we were sent to prison. So yeah I'm a little annoyed." They all laughed and we continued to talk for a few minutes longer until everyone decided we were done and left the call.

"Well chat, the next few lives won't be QSMP related, I know sad. But qsmp should be back in about 6 days but don't be upset if it takes longer. I was talking with my admin friend the other day and there is a chance they will have to take more than that to set up the server. So please be patient with them about that, However I'm going to tweet here in a bit for you guys to suggest something for me to do for the next week. That way we can keep up my livestream schedule."

Chat and I told each other our goodbyes as the livestream ended. It was kind of nice to get this break so me and my friend could better plan out how and when more of my lore would drop. We also needed to fix a few plot holes to make this story a lot more seamless. I'm excited to see where this story continues to go and how my story will help move it along.

[mamoonde]

dadxian who has a tattoo over the long jagged scar on his belly. a tattoo which facinates 2 y/o a-yuan, who's been told that's where he sprouted.

(it's not. but it made a-yuan turn from teary eyed breakdown to starry eyed awe, so. whatever works.)

a-yuan likes to look and rub the pretty tattoo-scar. and so, it has become a thing that if a-yuan needs extra comfort or has been especially good, he gets "tummy time." which is nice and all when they're at home.

but then one time, they go to the big city to buy a-yuan's Big School stuff, and after a solid three hours of keeping close to his baba and not wandering off or asking to buy new toys or asking to be carried, a-yuan deems he Deserves some tummy time.

"—we'll just pay for these at the cashier then we'll be off to lunch and—"

"Tummy Time!" A-Yuan declares, sticking his hand up Wei Ying's shirt. In public. In the middle of the long queue to the cashier. At the big stationary store.

Of course at that exact moment, the tall, broad-shouldered guy in front of him turns around. And makes eye contact. (And eye-to-tummy contact.)

It takes another moment for wei ying to realize he actually Recognizes the man.

"Wei Ying...?"

...And that Lan Zhan, his highschool crush and maybe-friend, also recognizes him, too.

embarrassingly, their drawn out staring is cut off by a pointed cough and the woman at the cashier calling out, "next!" in that tone that suggests she's been calling for a while.

The whole time, A-Yuan still has his hand up Wei Ying's shirt, patting and pinching at his soft belly where his fave part of the tattoo is.

By the time they finish ringing up all of A-Yuan's new school stuff, Wei Ying finds Lan Zhan still waiting for them outside the store.

"Would you like to have lunch together?" Lan Zhan asks first. Wei Ying is too surprised to do anything but say yes.

"Pretty gege eat with us?"

Wei Ying barks out a laugh. "Yes, it seems so! Why don't you introduce yourself to the pretty gege?"

A-Yuan finally releases his grip on Wei Ying's stretched out shirt to wave shyly up at Lan Zhan.

"Hi, I'm A-Yuan and I'm baba's. Are you baba's too?"

Wei Ying, who has been enjoying watching Lan Zhan's ears turn red at being called pretty gege, now takes his turn with embarrassment.

"Ah aha A-Yuan, not all people I know are mine—"

"Mn." Lan Zhan cuts in. "I am Lan Zhan, Wei Ying's friend."

Friend. Yes, that's what they were.

Over the course of lunch, Wei Ying and Lan Zhan catch up:

No, Wei Ying didn't die in that notorious car crash like the rumors may have implied.

But yeah, that may have been the last straw that broke the Jiang family apart — tho therapy and jiejie have been working in making him believe it wasn't his fault.

Lan Zhan has become an editor at a major publishing house.

Neither of them are married. (through a long, winding explanation cut off multiple times awkwardly)

By dessert, it's also apparent that Lan Zhan has a sweet tooth and a soft spot for children. Especially ones with A-Yuan's level of cuteness.

Wei Ying watches in awe as the two devour their own slices of chocolate cake with equal enthusiasm (if more grace, on Lan Zhan's part).

Needless to say, A-Yuan gets attached to his shiny new pretty gege who treats him to more sweets and toys after lunch.

Wei Ying's protests are all ignored, if not absolutely gutted by not one, but TWO 🥺 pitiful 🥺 somehow identical pouts every time he tries.

Somehow, by the end of the day – much later than Wei Ying had planned – he and A-Yuan go home with Lan Zhan's contact details and a promise to meet with Lan Zhan again.

The meetings turn from once or twice a month to weekly, then with an addition of nightly video calls.

What first had been calls dominated by A-Yuan's latest art exhibit exclusive to Zhan-gege, becomes more and more filled with one-on-one chats between Wei Ying and Lan Zhan.

Long story short, A-Yuan soon gains a diedie 🥰

Unfortunately, his diedie's belly is too hard; baba remains his exclusive go-to for Tummy Time.

Until he hits 8 and is apparently too much of a "pre-teenager" by then for Tummy Time.

It's ok. Lan Zhan never misses out Tummy Time.

The End 🥰

(of another This-Wasn't-Supposed-To-Be-A-Thead)

ALSO thought more and more abt Wei Ying's scar tattoo and thought of the scar being drawn like a crack from which a fiery nine-tailed-fox leaps out of, and from which lotus stems also grow out of like a gnarly portal sprouting beautiful/cute things

and then over the years little tidbits inspired by A-Yuan & LWJ also get added:

little colored stars shooting out

a small pair of bunnies cuddling on one of the lotus pads

[madisonbeersource]

LITTLE GAAAME

Madison's best song to…(and explain why)

party until 4am

cry until 4am

lay in bed, look at the ceiling and just listen

ask someone to marry u

close ur eyes and realize that you’re in love

clash with the person u hate the most

try to kiss the person you've been dancing with for 2 hours at a club

cheer u up

love u 🤍

OOOOOOOOOOOO I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON U BABE

party until 4am: All day and Night: I MEAN it's upbeat, fun, the perfect mix between her soft voice and the upbeat melody of Jax Jones

cry until 4am: Selfish/Dangerous/Stained Glass/At Your Worst: Just the rawness of selfish, and the vulnerability of dangerous like it is just someone asking why they're not able to love her right and the way she love them, unrequired love/friendship is maybe the worst heartbreak and stained glass because the meaning behind it is very personal to me but also being able to show the scars without letting anyone near enough to see what is inside is SO ME and at your worst because DAMN

lay in bed, look at the ceiling and just listen: Homesick/Spinnin: Those two kinda have the same vibe, not belonging to the environment we're born and are currently in and asking what if I wasn't born here and I was just asking to finally be home, what if it was never where I was meant to be, what if it wasn't my fault I am not blending in, what if it was solely because I was born at the wrong place at the wrong time, please take me home

ask someone to marry u: hm.....NO IDEA pls i won't get married so no need

close ur eyes and realize that you’re in love: Nothing Matters But You; when you wake up and realize this person is YOUR person, like nothing matters but them, but us two together

clash with the person u hate the most: Good In Goodbye; even the music video makes me want to punch a bitch sdfgfd but honestly every fights should have hearts on top of your head and each punch makes u lose a heart

try to kiss the person you've been dancing with for 2 hours at a club: Make You Mine; I don't think I need explaining tbh the song is self explanatory I wanna feel, wanna taste and wanna get you going (LMAO BEFORE U SEE ME IN A CLUB THO)

cheer u up: Stay numb and Carry On/Never Felt More Alive: nothing matters but your happiness, so stay numb to the unecessary bs and carry on to what's next my love you got this/Homesick: never felt more understood than in this song, and also maybe Everything Happens for a reason

[peachypede]

🍒⏰🚨 for Pecha and Rawst?

Ask meme here!

Pecha

The golden child? The overachiever? Rebellious??? She has always been way too anxious to do so…except when it comes to romantic interests.

Had a boyfriend in her early twenties that Cal very much did not approve of. (Guy had Team Plasma ideologies and was just genuinely a jerk) Pecha still stayed with him though. It kinda felt nice at the time to be in a relationship that wasn’t approved of but eventually the combined anxiety of her dad’s disappointment and her boyfriend’s pressure to release all her pokemon lest she was an abuser finally led her to break up with him.

Rawst

Kind of a homebody who didn’t really go out much, but he did break Cal’s ONLY rule which basically was no drugs when they were teens. Rawst got into vaping anyways and tries his best to hide it. His Tita Leppa caught him though and through the power of disappointment, Rawst stopped. It didn't help much with his anxiety anyways.

Pecha

She has adhd, which leads to some issues with figuring out time stuff. In Pecha's case, she gets so anxious about making sure to be on time that she stops doing things HOURS before the appointment/meeting. Then she accidentally over-estimates how much time it takes to be there, so she ends up 20 minutes or more early. She's accidentally driven to a party way too early, only to park a couple blocks down and sit awkwardly in her car until it was an acceptable time to go in.

When it comes to working, Pecha overdoes it and loses track of time a lot when she's working on a big project that requires her whole focus. She can and has worked herself sick because of this before.

Rawst

Same as Pecha, he has adhd. He usually errs more on the side of time blindness though. Often forgets appointments until the last second. A lot of times he forgets to stream and is ten minutes late to the computer. But when he is streaming, he can lose track of time and then whoops. Accidental twelve hour stream.

He's a bit better when he's just editing videos since he limits himself to a certain video amount to edit before taking a break, but anything that isn't restricted like that immediately goes off the walls. Recording a video? He's done full video game recordings in one day.

Pecha

idk how many people know this headcanon of mine but I like to think that bug-type trainers, due to hanging around with bug-types all the time, smell like bugs. It's because of this that when Pecha was young and on a research trip to Galar with her dad that she was mistaken for a bug-type and basically kidnapped by a Corviknight to take for her rookidees to eat. Of course, when the mama Corviknight got to the nest, she realized that hey this is a human and not a bug so Pecha wasn't almost eaten, but this event still left a pretty impactful emotional scar on Pecha. She's afraid of bird flying-types, especially of Corviknights. It could eat her... (They would never but the phobia is ever present in Pecha's mind)

She did have to get some hospital treatment for stitches because she was just in thing camping clothing and Corviknight have steel talons. (There's a reason why bird handlers wear thick gloves...)

Rawst

So many accidents, pretty much all of them are his fault. He likes to go to haunted areas and try to catch ghosts on camera, but this just leads to him almost getting beat up by real ghost-type pokemon.

[arosejoy]

My friend was collecting videos five years ago of people sharing stories. This was mine concerning my fears in painting after receiving mental illness diagnoses.

A lot has changed in five years, but in all honesty, I still am holding on to these fears and blocks surrounding creating through paint and tying it to my diagnosis and being sick.

I broke through the fears for a time and ended up painting two very large pieces that I showed at the Saint Paul Art Crawl. Then I went dormant as I fell into one of the deepest depressions while working for someone who was sexually harassing me day after day for years while I worked this job.

I felt small and weak and unable to share what was happening. Shame overtook me. I thought it was my fault entirely that this was the third owner/operator of a business that was treating me this way. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I stop this? These were the echoes and chorus of voices in my mind that kept me down.

I eventually went into such crisis that I went to residential eating disorder for two months after going to the ER, twice in two weeks, because I realized the switch flipped from suicide ideation to having plans.

I went and lived with my parents after treatment. I finally told my dad what was happening at my job, and in his strength and support and love, I saw that there was no way I was going to go back to that job.

I miss painting. I miss the brush and paint on canvas and the flow I would find my self in. I miss having the ability to express through paint what I do not have words for.

I have learned to find and identify the pathways to verbalizing some of the trauma and pain of my life, however, words do not compare for there is still so much that is inexpressible through language. I think in pictures.

I trust I will find my way back. I did start a new painting a few months ago. I sit and look at it, knowing exactly what the next step is, and yet…I still hold such pain around my artistry being my sickness and am feeling stuck in this area.

I’ve worked through so much. There will always be work to do. I will eventually get there again, one step at a time.

Here is to holding true to our gifts, despite when they are labeled as illnesses. Here’s to voicing when predators are preying and abusing. Here’s to my recovery of self and the lifelong process of learning how to be human.

[maguro13-2]

Hiromu Arakawa : [grumbles] Kamierabi. Kamierabi. Alright. Mr Ohkubo, you have your chance with video game legend Yoko Taro to of getting your show on the air after you abandoned your own manga characters that you left to die! And now the Ohkuboverse is gone because of you, ya idiot! Well, at least the new protagonist I introduced has now become the new star on the Gangan Joker magazine line. Fine! I'll just watch the first episode of Yoko Taro's new show that fans of Soul Eater wanted to look at. Wonder what's this show about any way?

"After watching the first episode..."

Yoko Taro : My first animated tv show is finally on the air during the block program on Fuji TV, fans of Nier are really going to see this one in action! So what do you think of it, Arakawa? What did you think of it!?

Atsushu Ohkubo : So, did you like it....?

(pauses for a moment)

*crickets chirping*

Hiromu Arakawa : ....(holds out a guitar)

*GUITAR SMASH!*

Hiromu Arakawa : Kamierabi, my ass! Who needs to watch this crap anyway? I'm going over to Wit Studio to have Moonrise in production! Didn't have time to waste my time for this CGI trash!

(door closes)

(birds chirping)

Yoko Taro : (goofy voice] I think that I am a genius. Does anybody have an cube of ice for a pack to heal myself? I didn't realize that I was planning Death Game show since Future Diary.

Atsushi Ohkubo : [goofy voice] Told ya I get that she still pisses me off about that! I designed the characters to look like the ones from the manga

Yoko Taro : [in a normal voice] But hey, if you were in charge of designing the characters to look like the ones from your manga, what happened to the Ohkuboverse that existed in Real World AU? And more importantly, what happened to the previous protags you created!?

"Meanwhile..."

Shotaro : Hey, let us go! Looks like we got ourselves on the wrong foot! The truth is we lied about the Ohkuboverse, Demon Vibe. Look, The Shadow Realm is cool! We promise that we beings from the Ohkuboverse to never tell a lie again! This was Shinra's idea that he started!

Shinra : What!? I told you that I was gonna bring hope to win, but you didn't let Truth from FMA to believe that the Ohkuboverse we lived in was a facade and now it's your fault that you got me and everyone else into this mess!

Tsugumi : What!? Our fault!? Everything was perfect in the Ohkuboverse until the Time Eater came and destroyed it to reveal that Soul World was completely a facade!

Shinra : If the Men of my influence wouldn't been hiding the truth from all of you, you would be all too stupid that the villains we faced in the ohkuboverse has been puppets on a string to Demon Vibe! The entire time

Tsugumi : Well, that's the problem about dealing with heartlesses in the first place! Right, Maka? Maka...?

Shinra : I think she's still in Real World AU with her boyfriend, Makoto. That Phantom guy.

Shotaro : Then where did the Time Eater brought someone that isn't Maka Albarn and is from the 1930s?

Time Eater : Time to take out the trash! Sending you to the place where you belong!

Inky Albarn : What? No! What do you think you're doing!? Please don't do this to me! I liked being the hero of Soul World, I got a reputation of being a meister. I'm Maka Albarn and I'm the coolest, I can't go back to the 1930s right now! I disguised myself as the one and only Maka Albarn, I have authority for being a shounen protag! No wait! I didn't deserve this! I deserve to be the most respected hero in the World! I swear it! The world of Soul Eater is mine! I can change the author's ways of- [The Time Eater sends her into the portal to 1930s au] NOOOOO....*fades*

Shinra : Well this sucks! We're gonna be stuck here forever!

Tsugumi : I thought being a hero would be cool! Thanks a lot, Shinra!

Shotaro : Yeah, Shinra! This is all your fault!

Shinra : Oh bite my shiny metal--

Demon Vibe : Silence! Your transgressions has caused me nothing but trouble! It's time that I give your attitude a new meaning to what it means to be the great and powerful Demon Vibe that I am! To put yourselves into submissions for your reckless way in Angel Vibe's plans, the same way as your foolishness of being heroes.

Shinra : No...No...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

~ Farwell Heroes of the Ohukoboverse, Forever! ~

[punkybunk]

My mother is coming to town,

And I can't handle it

This last week I have been tired, anxious, and upset. I was planning how the visit and interactions would go, what she would likely say to me. She asked to see my new apartment, I agreed to it, I wanted to show her my home, how well I was doing, the lack of dishes in the sink and the lack of clothes on the floor. I wanted to show her that I finally listened to her screams from when I was a kid to clean my room, be organized, stop being lazy.

Last Thursday I broke down over realizing that I don't know a lot. I research so many things and it's a daily practice of listing off the things I don't know and when I should learn them by. I don't know how to emotionally regulate, I don't know how to stop biting my nails, I don't know who I am or who I want to be, I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a relationship that doesn't follow her footsteps. I don't know if she loves me as her daughter or if she loves me at all. I don't know my father, his history, his feelings, and I don't know if he loves me as his daughter or at all.

I break down and put myself back together again and again. "Who's there to pick up my pieces?" Is the scariest question for me because there isn't anyone else it's only me. I get out of bed, I eat something, I drink water, I put on a YouTube video of Yoga when you're overwhelmed. If I went to someone else, to my parents, I'd get dismissed. I'd get told everyone is depressed or maybe I'd get a silence that stretches on until I find a topic they do care about to switch to. If I say what's causing my pain, I get screamed at by Her "I guess I'm just a bad mom" and hear Her cry just to comfort Her instead. If I speak to them I have to speak about them. On occasion maybe I'll slip up and talk about me, those times result in yells or panicked topic switching. I'd get told it's my fault I feel this way, despite desperately wishing to not feel this, to ignore it like they do. I'd get told to let it go that it's in the past it doesn't matter anymore.

It's hard to let go of somethings. I can't grieve my grandmother without hearing my mother tell me that I shouldn't waste time or money on seeing family members after I spent a week with my grandma after her cancer diagnosis. I can't grieve without seeing the text she sent 2 hours after I was notified of my grandmother's passing. " Don't go to the funeral you saw her enough while she was alive, you need to focus on school you can't skip a college class". (I went anyway and I didn't fail my classes.)

I can't relax at work without worrying that my boss might see and find that I'm lazy. I can't sit at my desk and breathe without thinking I need to find something, anything to do.

I can't talk to my friends or people I see often about my own life, without seeing my mother prioritize a TV show. Without hearing "shut up my show is on" whenever I wanted to tell her about my day at school. I can't tell my friends about my interests unless I know they might like it too.

I'm haunted by Her and yet desperately wish I had my mother with me. I still ache to see her and tell her about my day, the things I saw, the people I met, thoughts that I didn't like, thoughts that changed something for me. I want her comfort so much I'm willing to risk hearing all the bad for just 1 sentence of encouragement or love. I want to bond with her and rest my head on her shoulder without worrying about a comment that my hair is too short and I need to grow it out. I want to get dressed up and feel good without hearing her voice say that my stomach shows, my shirt doesn't fit right, that I've gained weight.

It's Her voice that I hear when I talk to babies, when I talk to my cat in a sweet tone, I mimic her. It's Her voice I hear when I get frustrated at other cars when I drive around town, it's Her voice that rings in the air when I yell. I frighten myself every time I get angry and hear Her voice and not mine.

I understand Her, I've listened to her cries, her screams, her confessions for 15 years. I know about her parents and how they treated her, I know how my father treated her and how his infidelity hurt her. I know how lonely she is, how she doesn't have friends and latches on to partners and their lives to fill her own. I hope that if I mimic her enough that maybe I won't remember how she treated me, how she would say the nastiest things to me, how she made me feel worthless. If I mimic her enough maybe I'll believe it when she tells me she loves and misses me, maybe I'll believe that she never wanted to hurt me.

I have a nephew, he'll be 2 next month and the thought of him feeling like I do makes me cry even if I'm at work and scared someone might see. I think of the things my mother said to me as a child and think, "could I say that to him when he's that age?". The answer is no, I want to know who his friends are in elementary school, I want to know what subjects he struggles with, the teachers he loves and hates, I want to hear about the bug he found on the sidewalk and how blue the sky was today and yesterday. I could never tell him the things I was told. I don't want children of my own in fear I'll treat them like my mother treated me.

Yesterday I broke down again. I cried in my car on the street talking to my friends about how I feel. About how I've always thought I knew what crying was like or what it meant, how most of my memories of crying wasn't just a cry but panic attacks. I avoided crying or showing that I was upset because crying meant hyperventilating, my chest is tight, my throat closes up and I can't speak despite all of my energy spent trying to talk anyway. I can't cry or show emotions unless I set my mind to it, I wouldn't cry until I went home, got into the shower, curled into a tight and small ball of myself. I'll blast sad music so I can't hear myself but I can still hear comments and judgements of how loud I am, how my face is scrunched up, how my sniffling and attempts to breathe are annoying.

Today my mother is coming to pick me up, we got oncert tickets to her favorite band. Months ago I heard and made sure to tell her about it, I was excited to go. Now I sit on my bed slightly terrified about seeing her. I'm planning my lies and my answers to dodge questions of what's wrong. I thought about saving my legs, using hairspray, about what to wear to cover tattoos and to cover my weak points. I won't do any of that, I want to prove to myself that I don't need to do it that I don't need sacrifice myself to appease her. I planned out my lie to tell her she can't see my apartment, she doesn't get to see the home I made for myself.

My mother is coming to town,

And maybe I'll survive.

[blacklodgemusictx]

Salim Nourallah: Record Release Mini Tour - Dallas Finale

It's over.

I'm home.

Music from my YouTube channel rolls in the background while I try to get my thoughts in order.

I'm buried in thoughts. Pictures. Videos. I want to think on every word. I want to tweak each picture to perfection before sending it out in to the world. But I'm racing the clock. I have to get everything out while I'm awake. Tomorrow the fog descends again. I go back to being a zombie. I have to feel this weekend while I'm still capable.

Last night was "Old Home Week" (a phrase I've never really stopped to examine... homecoming I assume. That's how I've always approached it, but I suspect its origins are older than I am.) The venue was Sons of Hermann Hall in Salim's home of Dallas.

Everywhere familiar faces. I even recognized the woman who sat next to me at Rhett Miller earlier this month in Ft Worth. Rachel, she says. She has ties to Rhett and Salim. My own story is mirrored throughout the room (upstairs. We saw Salim & these same gents here in 2019. The Church as well in 2016). You don't see Salim by accident. At some point you are in his path and he pulls you in to orbit. It's gravity. Friendly faces, performers. Fan-Friends like us: Christian and his lady, Allen. Performer-Friends like Rahim Quazi. Chris Penn (our acquaintance predates mine with Salim. He and I know each other from the Flaming Lips' message board where I used to lurk and get my social fix back circa At War With the Mytics/UFOs at the Zoo) has stepped away from local haven of good taste, Good Records. He's there in his signature orange pants (red? orange? Whatever they are - they are as recognizable as he is).

Merch is in the back of the room. We take up our requested positions, but I warily eye the room as it starts to fill. My need to be upfront is ancient as the tides. I have worked my role as documentarian (taker of pictures, recorder of videos) in to that need. I must be up front. I must see. Band one - Ottoman Turks - take the stage early. Theirs is a country-tinged sound and therefore runs contrary to my essential musical make up. No ones fault. I had a similar reaction when finally seeing Rhett Miller with his Old 97s (solo Rhett is my only desired Rhett -- that's a thing I and my ears know now.) They are young and energetic. They wield their instruments with skill and the early arrivers at the show appear to love them. I perk up and even record a song, an excellent cover of Billy Idol's "White Wedding."

The need wins and pulls me up front. There's one seat left in the front middle. I end up sitting between a woman who actually remembers me from the Billy Harvey show where I brought pies and another woman I didn't even realize I follow on Instagram.

At one point, my view is ruined by John Dufilho once again urging everyone to get up and crowd around the stage. Tonight I am encased in a corset. My satin carapace tonight is bronze over my shades-of-purple dress. I have a closet full. I literally use them to lace my spine back in to place. My excruciating back pain improved briefly and I was able to abandon them, but they are back. I accessorize my outfit with them the same way I coordinate my wardrobe of glasses. It's ok. John doesn't know that.

I crowd watch. I see Rahim [Quazi]. He buzzes around hugging people like a friendship bee tending flowers. I hate the sea of backs and knees I'm watching, but I do take time to appreciate this. Not too long ago a scene like this was the stuff of sweet dreams. We all couldn't imagine when we would be able to gather and sway to music and hug each other again. It really is a thing of beauty.

The lady next to me asks me about the phone on stage for Buttercup. I tell her I'm pretty sure it's just...art. I have noted each night its presence as well as the special vintage luggage carrying case labeled "phone" it emerges from. Each night I have not noticed them use it. I am wrong. Erik uses it in the set similar to Salim and his ever present bullet mic. I ask Doug later if I am unusually oblivious (I wouldn't doubt it.) No, he assures me, this was the first time.

Joe [Reyes] appears next to me later. He lets me hug him. He tells me... something... I pull out my Ottoman Turks gifted ear plugs (master stroke. I pride myself on being constantly prepared and yet always forget something... RIP the phone charger I left at the Austin venue. Most of the time I forget ear plugs). Want conscientious music lovers to remember you? Ear plugs at your merch table! He yells, "THESE GUYS ARE GREAT" he says about the Deathray Davies. YES. I agree. "AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY NICE GUYS." I appreciate this. It seems to be a reoccurring theme. If you have been pre-vetted and Salim-approved, if you've made it in to this circle, you are worth knowing. As someone with a great deal of anxiety (social, free floating, you name it), I appreciate this implied safety immensely.

At some point, another face floats by. A smiling woman tells me how great I look. Am I just feeling like a goddess? Sure, absolutely. I smile in mild, pleasant confusion, but then she introduces herself as Princess. Of course. I've seen the name on Salim's facebook. We've probably been at shows together. I don't get names usually until we've been at multiple shows together. I think Salim thinks we all just know each other by default.

I remember our first show at Galactic Headquarters - Salim's listening room - a place I think of as home now. We bought tickets, but it was such a small group, I kept expecting people to turn to us and go, "who are you? you don't belong here" It was just too intimate. But it's become like a family. So Salim doesn't make introductions because once you are there, you've always been there.

I hope that Salim will issue a reverse Dufilho command, "It's ok... EVERYONE CAN SIT DOWN." But everyone stays up and picks a spot to camp at the stage for Salim's portion of the show (tonight as the Homecoming show Salim and the Treefort/Philistines, he is last). I aim stage right - Joe's side. I hope I can get a good view of Marty. If I got to his side, I'm afraid I'll be too close to him.

I was spoiled by last night's venue.

Sons of Hermann Hall is old. The stage is small. The sound is... old. The lights are... old. It has sort of a dance-at-a-school-gym feel. I actually made a point to write that down in 2019 when we came for the final Travoltas show. The feeling hadn't changed. I doubt it ever will. To change that would be to change its essential make up. Too many things bow down, are brought low in the path of progress. Still - every where I stand, every angle, something is obscured. I do my best.

At some point, I notice the woman next to me. She makes me question my very identity as a fan of Salim's music. This woman is transported. She's having a religious experience. She stomps, bobs weaves, squeal, thrashes. She puts my adoration to shame. I sort of want to cast my camera aside and join her, but I also remember my time with the Lips and how quickly stores of energy deplete when you throw your whole body in to the worship of music like that.

I see her later at merch. I tell her I admire how fervently she enjoyed the show. Music saved her life, she tells me. I can appreciate that. I know exactly what she means.

I love Marty tonight. Tonight he's there. He's starting to give himself for more distance away from his cheat sheets. He smiles, grins at times. He's proud of his solos. He's with them. He's dialed in. Present. I never doubted this, but I love that everyone can see it tonight.

Night one Salim had looked at Marty admiringly, "Doesn't Marty clean up nice?" He really did. All in black, beautiful sunshine orange guitar for contrast. Salim points out he's wearing long pants this time. He's right. I immediately cast backwards in my memory and only pull up images of him in shorts.

He's gorgeously and similarly attired tonight. What I don't realize until tonight is I will see him later after he's snuck off to reapply his shorts. Marty is from cooler climes abroad. I find Texas heat bewildering, every year is a surprise. And I've been here for most of my life. I cannot imagine what heat like this must seem like to him (another place I have found him two out of three of these nights is drinking in available air conditioning. The vent was in the ceiling at the Lonesome Rose and I after seeing him stop to appreciate it, I watch people all night stop in the same exact spot and pose for a minute as though for a Disneyland vacation photo).

I know the end is near. I try not to cheat, but just like skipping to the end of a book, I lean over to look at Joe's set list. "Friends for Life," "Let Go," and... 1978. And though I have sworn to stop contributing to the glut of available copies of 1978 on the Internet, it's also the finale. He calls Olivia, Erik (from Buttercup) and Paul Averitt up to join him. My friend is happy and triumphant... so I record it...

Again. (smiley face)

This ending is happy. I say goodbye to everyone. We'll see Marty and Olivia again soon we're sure. Doug talks music with John Dufilho and is all smiles. At some point, we even talk to Nick Earl - another person we've maneuvered near, but never actually spoke to until this weekend. Doug has something specific in mind. Months ago, Nick was in receipt of two console record players saved from when we auctioned off what would have been the contents BLM if it ever officially opened its doors.

Nick's face lights up. He has something to show us. One player now starts a red-sparkle paint job. He seems to be in the process of turning it in to a space ship.

"So you're a wizard in your spare time?" I ask.

He smiles. He does not deny this.

I will be glad to see him again in the future. He's a weird one. I love the weird ones - in life and in music - they're my favorite.

I hug Salim a few more times. He's grateful to us for our services this weekend. I'm sure he suspects, but I don't think he will ever truly know what it's all meant to me.

If only for three days... I could breathe again.

How do you thank someone for oxygen?

[whatwewishwesaidandothersecrets]

Tomorrow is the day. Do I live on for her or die and join her? What's my fate? Can I control it or is it chosen for me? Am I really connected to her or am I crazy? Is this spiritual or psychotic?

I don't know. But I know I miss you. I just want to tell you it's OK now. I want to be OK but I struggle with the idea that you're always with me or I'm meant to join you when you died before I could meet you. So what am I supposed to do?

Tomorrow is the anniversary of your death. I'll be the same age you were when your life support was turned off. Your final attempt. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I see it as a competition. Maybe I'm jealous you escape, had people care enough to write songs about you, when I can't even get people to understand that I'm trying my hardest. I guess that's in the song, huh? If I had never been told what that song was about maybe I wouldn't have found you. Maybe then I'd be at peace. Sometimes I'm scared that you are in fact watching me, but not as a guardian, or a demon. Worse. Just as a person, witnessing my descent into madness, terrified that I'm obsessed with you. I don't want to be. I don't think I am, it's not like you're my whole life. Gosh that makes me sound like a bitch. Does it? Or do I just have a warped perspective? I'm so scared that you'll judge me. Think I'm crazy. I guess I'm scared you'd think that cause I'm scared I think that.

Thanks for adding that in, by the way. In your video. If you didn't say that it's OK, I don't think I'd be alive today.

I'm almost mad at you. For leaving such a video for people to find. Cause that kind of thing fucks with people's head. People like me. But at the same time I can't blame you if I took something the wrong way, that's not fair. You were just saying goodbye, and trying to leave this world with a legacy. Who am I to fault the very thing I want?? I'd hate to be anymore of a hypocrite.

I guess what I'm saying is I feel like I'm crazy cause I feel like I know you, but also I've never met you, you're just a ghost. You're not real. At least not the version of you in my mind. I need to let go. But how the fuck do I let go when it feels like you're haunting me??

I think my biggest fear is that you're not haunting me, not really, not at all. My biggest fear is that I'm crazy, that I'm making it up, that you're not real at all and the you in my head is like in You when Joe realizes that Rhys is him all along. My biggest fear is that I'm making this up and I don't know why.

I want to be OK. I want to know you're OK. I just want to give you a hug goodbye and leave things. But I'm scared you're a part of me. How the fuck do I deal with that?? Oh God, save me, I think I'm going to have a panic attack, I think I really do have paranoia.

Maybe that's what scares me. I fear I am you and you are me so what the fuck is wrong with me??? It's like I know your face better than mine. I just want to know what's wrong with me, I want this madness to stop

I don't want to die tomorrow but what if you're in control?? I feel like I've tried everything but I can't let you go or you won't let me go or I don't know.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm scared to be Joe and not Jo. Maybe that's what all this is. That I don't know myself.

Geez, I should probably save this post for therapy huh?

[fuckgiantkiller]

Old Business: KILL THE VANDAL!

So, okay, I haven't posted on Tumblr in a while. And yes, the embarrassing truth is I'm back because of all the shit with the birdsite. In my defense, it's not like anyone was paying attention to my tumblr anyway (least of all me). At any rate, I was going through my old posts, trying to figure out where I left off before I stopped logging back in six years ago, and I rediscovered a couple of blogs I wrote about a longstanding film-project of mine, originally called VANDAL that I then ended up re-titling KILL THE VANDAL! in no small part because of these blogs.

What I never did was follow up on any of it. There were a lot of factors involved in this failure to return here and share what I was doing, including a dramatic move cross-country (from Nashville to Los Angeles) followed promptly by the loss of a parent shortly thereafter, and then just years of not wanting to be this personal and open online.

Anyway, here's the short version: (1) I finished KILL THE VANDAL! (2) No one gave a shit, and (3) that's okay.

So for the sake of looking back, here's the original blogs in question:

• "Failing in Private in Public" – a long behind-the-scenes post talking about VANDAL as both the best film school on earth (which it was) and one of the great failures of my life (which it might be). There's lots of BTS photos, details on how we made it, and a breakdown of why it sat on the shelf for so long. There's also an extended diatribe on a potential/hypothetical "Video Lab" blog project where I would write about the process of either bringing VANDAL back or digging into why it doesn't work and what I learned from the process of feeling that out. Obviously, I didn't do that. But then again, I put that idea out there and was met with resounding [crickets] so if you really think about it, that's kinda your fault.

• VANDAL becomes KILL THE VANDAL! – this follow up to "Failing in Private in Public" comes after I actually cracked VANDAL open again for the first time in years and realized I was maybe taking myself too seriously. It's not as long as "Failing" but it's still too long and rife with bad writing and bad grammar. Best excuse I have for that is I was probably stoned. Also features a deeply ugly sketch-up of the new title, also probably courtesy of an over-abundance of mids.

• And finally, the last time I posted about KILL THE VANDAL! which has the benefit of brevity going for it. It is deeply hilarious to me to see how I went from the sprawling self-indulgence/self-loathing of "Failing" and ended up here bemoaning my cartoon creation before vamoosing from Tumblr for literal years.

So, anyway, I finished it.

I wrestled it from the grip of the self-serious and self-loathing 24-year-old failure that was Me, dug in and finished the snarling, genre-bending monstrosity that 18-year-old me set out to make to start with. For better or worse.

Then I put the first episode online, with the seemingly clever grass-roots marketing scheme of holding the rest of the episodes hostage until it hit the deeply modest goal of 500 Views on Youtube; the idea being if people wanted more they would have to share it to drive that count up. Then I sat back and watched the views roll in!

All 457 Views!

That's right, it topped off less than fifty views shy of its goal. As of this date, five years after releasing it, it hasn't climbed an inch in four years. Honestly, at this point, I don't know if I'd ever post the rest of the series even if it did hit 500 views.

But mostly what I feel about that? Relief. Like, it's okay, I sort of feel like my business with KILL THE VANDAL! is no longer unfinished either way. Everything is off the shelf and out of my hands, and I did everything I could within my limited means to get it in front of eyeballs, and that's how it panned out. The important need to finish this thing I started is done, so what else do I need from it?

In short: Oh well!

Anyway, why am I writing this now, 5 years later?

I dunno, honestly. After I tripped upon those old blog-posts a couple things stuck to my ribs about them. That "Failing in Private in Public" post in particular struck a chord with me so many years later, and I felt I owed it to the version of me who wrote that to resolve the public anguish a bit. I wanted to turn this into a web-series and blogging project, and Grief and Alienation had other plans for me, so much so that it feels genuinely like a miracle that I resolved this unfinished business from my early 20's at all. Felt like I owed that blog post a follow-up.

But if I'm being very honest – and lord knows I'm already being pretty goddamn self-indulgent here, so why slow down now – it was this part that made me want to write this:

"But there's something in the way. I don't know what it is, only that it's self-imposed. Maybe it's this paper-weight of a feature reminding me of the time I tried and failed. Maybe it's good, old-fashioned, clinical depression. Maybe it's simply that I am, and always have been, a total hack, and that nagging, neurotic fear that I am a fraud with nothing to offer anyone -- audience, employers, whomever -- in this field and no marketable skills in anything else is entirely justified. "I don't know. I'm not sure what I’m doing. Even writing all of this is a shot in the dark. All I really know is I have to do something before I go crazy. I turn thirty in July and I'm still living what you might charitably term 'college life' long after I left college, and with no end in sight. And the debt and doubt and goddamn not knowing how to answer the question 'where do you see yourself in five years' isn't half as terrible as having nothing to show for the last five." ... "Guess I could use a hand knowing how to move on. I don't know where I'm going with this writing/directing/filmmaking thing, or where it might lead me, if I'm lucky enough for it to lead me anywhere at all. But once upon a time I got off my ass and just made a movie cause I could, and it hurts my heart feeling like that might be where it ends."

Reader, the haunting thing about it is this, and I'll begin with some caveats: in the subsequent five years, my life has gotten better in many ways. I feel more removed from "college life" than I did when I wrote this (although debt and the poverty line are still looming specters – I can't even afford to keep the Giantkiller website live right now). At the above point in my life, I thought I might never get to make anything else ever again, that my filmmaker dreams stopped and ended with unfinished KILL THE VANDAL, a movie that I did not like or relate to or particularly want anyone to see. I still don't think I like it, I definitely do not relate to the filmmaker who made it... but it didn't end there.

I wish I could tell the near-30-year-old who was fretting over "where do you see yourself in five years" and had nothing resembling an answer that five years later, he'd not only have finished KILL THE VANDAL! but he would write and direct two new short films that would represent who he is as a human being in all the ways KTV doesn't. That those shorts would screen at film festivals all over the world* and he would have a clearer understanding of who he is, what he is capable of, and what he has to offer.

*(albeit during a pandemic, which made for a lot of online-only film festivals; PRESENT ME: "invest in masks and hand-sanitizer, Past Me, invest in masks and hand-sanitizer" – PAST ME: "invest... with what money, Future Me?" – PRESENT ME: "uuuuuuhhhhhh")

And reader, five years later with all the work I genuinely feared I would never get to make under my belt, I am once again at a place in my life where I genuinely fear I will never get to make anything again. These things cost money I to make that I still do not have. I still feel like a hack. I still don't know where I'll be in five years. I still lay awake at night thinking, "this is it, that's all I'll ever get to do, and this may have all been for jackshit nothing who cares, why didn't I learn any other skills, what the living fuck am I supposed to do now, am I an absolute failure by every standard, most damningly by my own?"

I re-read that post and thought, "that's me three wins ago, and that's still literally how I feel right now." And it's the first time since the empty vacuum feeling of the end of my short films' festival run that a little hope has risen above that killer depression/anxiety combo.

If I was wrong then, maybe I'm wrong now?

So I guess I'm writing this for Future Me. Future Me who, if the trend holds, still thinks this way. We both know from experience how wrong I was then. How wrong was I now? How wrong are you then?

Please, please, please, Future Me. Do what you can. Make sure we're both wrong.

Anyway, with the business of KTV finally settled on Tumblr and everywhere else: if anybody but Future Me is reading this, keep an eye out for those festival-touring short films that I somehow do still like. I'll be sharing more soon.

[HINT HINT: You can find one of them on YouTube and Vimeo already, if you want to go look for it]