GREEN MILK | #003 | crawling over the finish line & burn out & disability & the root of writerly malaise
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I was really cooking with this one. I've been stewing on this for a while and today was the lucky day I was finally compelled to write it.
If you want to know what it's like to try and get any work done as a person with unmedicated ADHD and autism, and why my TTRPG adventure The Perilous Pear & Plum Pies of Pudwick has been four years in the making, you should give this a read.
It's pretty candid, but what else should I do, pretend to be someone I'm not? Fuck that, this shit is hard as hell and my work is worth the effort.
It's a long read but a good one. It has good advice on thinking the relationship between self-worth and productivity (hint: you are not the problem), especially if you've got similar brain soup and circumstances to me.
Also if you want to sponsor a trial of ADHD meds for me you can like, consider assassinating and/or otherwise generally terrorising the government and corporate officials hellbent on destroying the National Health Service, I guess. Or I suppose you could just vote for the other team, who are also very vocally all in on genocide and the systematic destruction of the NHS? That would surely be as effective!
I had two things in my mind while making it:
1. Golden moon peeking through the clouds at night - Moon Clouds
2. Thunderclouds with gold lightning going through them - Thunder Light
Our silly tabletop group is on hiatus, so my husband and I made a little short comic about some of the NPCs going on a weird adventure.
Do you want to read a comic about punks running around in powdered wigs, drag racing model-t's, a stock market themed diner, a raccoon flipping the bird, or a clown on a tiny bicycle? GOOD NEWS, this comic is for you! Also contains smoking, swearing, and comic mischief.
Against the mountains, stands several towers that have ominous lights coming out of them. More interestingly however, is how the fog never seems to leave this war-barren world...
Earlier this year, I released a new solo TTRPG: VOID 1680 AM. In it, you use a deck of cards, a six-sided die, your music collection and a voice recorder to create your own late-night radio show.
The cards help you dig deep into your collection to reconnect with music you love; they and the die also help you create anonymous Callers and the concerns, hopes and obsessions that drove them to reach out to you, a fellow lone voice in the darkness.
I also included steps for joining the library of Callers for other players to use, and even to submit your full show for broadcast on the "real" VOID 1680 AM. You can see some of those Affiliate broadcasts here. They're genuinely very cool.
You can check out the game here, and I'm proud to say VOID 1680 AM is now a Judges' Spotlight Winner in this year's ENNIES.
Okay, enough table-setting. Let's get into it.
VOID was the culmination of a lifelong obsession with commercial radio; both the technology (which feels retro despite scarcely being over a century old) and the melancholy romance of lonesome voices baring themselves to an audience they'll never know the scope of.
This, to me, is an apt metaphor for the act of making something - anything at all. Speak into the Void, the back cover copy says. You never know who is listening. So it is with putting something you love into the world.
So what inspired VOID? I cite both Anamnesis by Sam Leigh and The Wretched by Chris Bissette in the book itself, two solo RPGs whose tones and methods did much to help me find my own.
But if I'm being truthful, VOID's inspirations mostly reside outside of games. Here are a few things that haunted me profoundly enough to drive me to respond.
The first is Talk Radio, specifically Oliver Stone's adaptation of Eric Bogosian's play. The movie's tagline is "the last neighborhood in America," which to me frames radio's persistent relevance and puts social media - often called a "town square" itself - in proper context as one piece of the many ways people find connection with others, for better or worse.
Contra the VOID DJ, Barry in Talk Radio is very, very aware of how his audience receives him (hint: not well). Barry must be heard, and so must the similarly damaged souls who call in to dump the poison in their brain into his... and everyone who's listening in, besides. It's a host of people who want to connect but don't know how, spiraling in decaying orbit around each other until something awful happens.
VOID 1680 AM was originally much darker before I decided to pull back and let players pick their own tone, and Talk Radio is why.
Oxenfree is a narrative video game about a small group of teens stuck on an island haunted by hungry ghosts who can be tuned in and out of reality with handheld radios. There's more to it than that, but I'll leave you to discover what on your own - because I would recommend this game to just about anyone.
Insofar as VOID 1680 AM can have a "soundtrack," it is this one by scntfc, created using WWII-era radio equipment.
The Vast of Night is a quietly alarming lo-fi/sci-fi set in a small town in New Mexico in the late '50s. A radio DJ and a switchboard operator pick up strange signals, and then... things happen.
This specific radio station (stylized in the poster above) is what I picture for "my" VOID 1680 AM.
Then there's Stevie in The Fog, played by Adrienne Barbeau. She's the bridge between VOID 1680 AM and my earlier solo game, Lighthouse at the End of the World.
She is, yes: a late night DJ. And her radio station is, yes: in a lighthouse. She's living my dream, at least until the ghost pirates show up.
Spoilers, I guess?
But the most important influence? VOID 1680 AM cover artist
Jordan Witt's fan art for the podcast King Falls AM years ago. This image took up residence in my head, so much so that I still use it as phone wallpaper despite never having listened to the show it's for.
When it came time to partner with a cover artist, who that cover artist would be was never in question. Entirely unknowingly, Jordan took all these loose ideas in my head and gave them something to cohere to. A beacon, if you will.
They spoke something into the Void, and I listened.
Fun fact: Jordan even jazzed up the original logo I made for VOID 1680 AM when that title only applied to the AM transmitter in my garage. Here's my original - you can plainly see the influence of Jordan's art on that O. It all really came full circle.
Those are the biggest ingredients in the stew that made VOID 1680 AM. It's fun to talk about stuff I like, but also I hope it might nudge someone - anyone - to get going on something they're after.
(That's you. I'm talking about you.)
A project finding its voice is a wonderful thing, but there's no real miracle to it, no outside influence that will tell you what to do. It's just things in your head magnetizing to each other until they got a shape that - with coaxing - can stand on its own.
With the last ask about the delivery is that the same for like clothes also? Also with the clothes do they just get a certain style or is their newer stuff like now? Do they get stuff that's new like cell phones and what not or no?
Yes, it's the same!! Though I think there are probably one or two places in town (boutiques and the like) where people make and sell their own clothes.
Most clothing is either delivered (which is a total crapshoot when it comes to sizes, styles, etc.); or it just sort of...fills the local shops as needed. The people of Easthaven wear a lot of basics, and the styles are fairly outdated (ranging from the 80s-00s). If you're into a more niche style it'll be hard to find what you're looking for.
Back when TLS was a TTRPG I ran, my players and I used to joke about a truck filled with Hot Topic products getting delivered and everyone in town dressing like edgy teens for a bit lol.
As for technology, that's a little trickier. Most of the town's tech stagnates, once again, in the 80s-00s range. Currently, the only people in town with cellphones are former outsiders.
If a truck full of modern tech showed up...hm. I'm not sure. I don't think most of it would work, both due to the lack of internet as well as the fog's influence. Probably.
Migli is one of my favourite TTRPG characters ive ever played, so with art fight coming up, i decided to redo her character art. I first played her as a Dragonborn Wild Magic Sorcerer in a d&d 5e game, then again in a few pathfinder/PF2e games as an unusually large kobold witch with a wild magic curse
Migli wasn't born, she was created as part of an experiment to create a dragonborn with abilities based off the purple chromatic dragons (deep dragons). However, the magic used to create her went wrong, leaving her with a normal electric breath weapon, and now any time she uses her magic, it will often become wild. Every time it did, more of her scales peeled back to reveal what appears to be a starry void (though these spots feel like liquid to the touch), and the more of this void that covered her, the more chance her magic would go wild.
This is where her familiar, smiley, comes in. She doesn't know it's real name, it refuses to tell her, all she knows is that he gives her a way to regulate her powers and keep the void spots at bay. Now the void spots only grow after extended use of her magic, and so long as a smiley is around, they begin to shrink once she is able to rest. It says that it is not doing this to help her, that it gains something from this, but what that is, she doesn't know.
Migli doesn't use a prosthetic for her arm, but she can cast a spell Smiley taught her called "void-hand" which functions similarly to the mage-hand spell (though this counts towards her spell usage for the day, so she doesn't use it often).
[ID 1: an illustration of migli, a purple, anthropomorphic dragon with one arm, covered in blue "spots" filled with a starry pattern and holding a staff with a hook at one end and a blade on the other. She is wearing a reddish-brown dress, and has torn bandage on her tail and right arm. Over the stump of her left arm is a smokey fog, with the same starry pattern as the spots. Coiled around her staff is a black snake with a creepy smile, and the same starry spots on it's back /end ID 1]
[ID 2: the same illustration of migli without any lighting or shading, and without their smokey arm. In the background is the silhouette of a human woman, showing migli only comes up to the average woman's shoulder. To the left, is migli's colour pallet, to the right is a close up of the snake. /end ID 2]