#for someone who cannot think I sure do like overthinking stuff

[cephalofrog]

been playing rain world and thinking about saint again recently

full rain world spoilers below

I hate the "saint is the triple affirmative" interpretation. hate even more how it appears to have become the accepted truth in the fandom

first off, my dislike for this interpretation is not logical. it isn't something I can be convinced out of using canon evidence, because my reason for not interpreting the story this way is not evidence-based, it's because I don't find it to be a satisfying conclusion to the entire story of rain world.

but here's some rambling about logical reasons why it doesn't make sense anyway

if saint was created as the triple affirmative by sliver, that makes them extremely old - they came into existence LONG before spearmaster's campaign even started. if they came into existence with the purpose of ascending iterators, they sure took a long time to ascend any iterators - like okay, travel time and whatever, but you'd think they'd get at least one or two more before all the iterator comms break down entirely post-spearmaster. SM and hunter managed to get from SRS and NSH to the pebbs/moon area pretty quickly.

they also have fur, which seems to be an adaptation for the cold judging by the lizards in the campaign, despite the world not being cold at the point at which they were created. this could be easily explained by sliver just being very forward-thinking, but...

if sliver created saint, their entire triple affirmative thing comes across as incredibly thoughtless, which imo contrasts with sliver being forward-thinking enough to make saint immune to cold. like they finally created the magical rat that will ascend them all but didn't even think to send out a message beforehand like "hey guys I'm trying something new if I send out the triple affirmative and die right after this it worked and you should be visited by a flying green dude with an ascension beam at some point in the future"

there's also the thing of... wait so how does this whole iterator ascension work again? cause saint's timeline loops. after they ascend, they end up back in sky islands, with the iterators back where they were. this could be explained by "later playthrough loops aren't canon and pebbs and moon are ascended if you got em" but there's literally a specific gameplay mechanic - carrying stuff in your stomach between campaigns - meant to make it clear that the campaign is a loop.

anyway. the real reason I hate the theory isn't related to any of this - it's that it absolutely destroys pebbles and moon's story, thematically speaking.

sliver of straw's triple affirmative/death is a random event that could mean basically anything. the futility pebbles felt around trying to solve the great problem caused him to assign meaning to sliver's death that wasn't necessarily there - they found the solution, and it was self-destruction. that's what they were trying to tell everyone. it wasn't a random event, the triple affirmative was real. one of the bugs in the maze found the way out, and he's going to prove it to everyone by following them and escaping.

and that's what leads to the events of the main story. this random event - this horrible tragedy, the death of someone who seemed to mean so much to so many people - was assigned meaning by someone desperate to prove that his entire existence, and the existences of everyone around him, are not futile. the ancients created the iterators without knowing whether the answer to the great problem could ever be found, and this is the result of that.

a nihilistic, hopeless person, abandoned by his creators to work forever on an unsolvable problem, assigns meaning to a random tragedy, and tunnel visions on what he has to believe is what he's been looking for - because it is an unimaginable understatement to say that the alternative would be worse than death. and then, in his self-destructive desperation, he kills his sibling* and dooms himself to the slowest, most painful death imaginable. this is the legacy of the ancients' dead society, the result of all of their stupid ideals and obsession with karmic perfection. (*as far as he knows)

but saint being the triple affirmative undermines all of that. not only does it make sliver's death less of a tragedy and more of a noble sacrifice - like yeah, sure, they were loved, but solving the great problem was far more important - but it also makes pebbles look less desperate and more just kinda stupid. like you thought that the solution was self-destruction? nah, it's a magical flying rat. in this version of the story, pebbles wasn't striving for something that didn't exist, he was just not smart enough to figure out the real solution.

even outside of canon evidence, that sucks. it causes pebbles' story to go from being about how you should value the people around you over the impossible striving that life always seems to expect from you or you're gonna end up hurting them and yourself to how you should just be smarter to find the right solution to all of your problems.

anyway as for my own interpretation of saint, I think that the campaign is just a representation of what it's like to be an echo. reliving the moments that led up to your failed ascension over and over, reaching maximum karma and gaining superpowers because you're just that karmically pure - you are a saint, after all - and then letting your ego consume you at the crucial moment of ascension, over and over again, cycling into infinity. (I don't think they actually had superpowers prior to ascending, I just think that they kinda thought of themselves so highly that they thought they should have those powers.) then contrast this with the world as the age of the iterators and the rain finally ends, and you have an unchanging echo reliving the same few cycles over and over contrasted with a world that is, at last, changing and moving on.

yeah it doesn't make sense with the joint iterator dialogue in rubicon (at least, the final line doesn't make sense). I don't care. it's what makes me happy as an interpretation. you can pry my morally dubious hypocritical ego-driven saint from my cold dead hands

[sativaonsaturn]

astro observations about my partner’s placements

from a virgo sun’s perspective

sagittarius sun

never runs out of energy - these people wake up on ready. endless banter and wit; one of the reasons i fell in love w/ him was his mind.. i think bc sag is ruled by the 9th house their minds know no bounds, they are continually expansive. on the same note, they love to experience everything there is and especially w/ those they love. i’ve always said the quickest way to point out a sag is if they say “i don’t give a fuck” but also remember sagittarians often have solid morals/ values. there are some things they believe in and will not bend on them for anyone or anything. also such adaptable people! they don’t like to be restricted so i think it helps that they are able to just do what they need to for the moment. can be a bit reckless or clumsy, they probably have to buy a new phone all the time 😭

libra moon

(maybe my favorite moon sign 🙈) such charismatic people!! doesn’t matter the sun sign, they could charm anyone. also very adaptable bc they read the room so well. love to make the room lighter but this can be good and bad. as i’ve said in previous posts, libra in any placement will create a need for balance. so libra moons often cannot handle tension especially from the ones they care about. if you’re feeling down a libra moon will do everything they can to make you smile but if they fail, you can almost feel them move on bc they can’t handle the static. (this isn’t bc they don’t care! air signs just prefer to keep things light) also great conversationalists and very funny, their humor is for everyone.

scorpio mercury

as i’ve said in previous posts, the only ones who understand a scorpio’s depth is scorpio. scorpio mercury’s depth is much like the depth of the ocean. you will never know what they’re thinking unless they want you to. this placement (much like scorpio moon) will always decide on the best time to say something; if you’re looking to pull something out of them they will make you work for it. also very stern, in the sense that you cannot make them waver on something they’re already sure about. bc of how deep they think/ understand, they are also great conversationalists (totally part of my dream blunt rotation cause you’ll never run out of things to talk about) you’ll also never have to explain the principle of a situation to them; if you give them background w/ enough details, they already get it. also sometimes prone to overthinking esp if it’s in 12th or 8th house!

libra mars

always does their best to make sure everyone is content (again balance), very diplomatic in relationships - including romantic. will often overlook their own feelings if they feel it will disrupt the flow of things. sometimes only speak up in moments of injustice or they just feel like something’s unfair in general. pretty reasonable ppl cause they look at both sides of everything. when they are ready to check someone it’s brutal 😭 their anger is palpable when released because they hold it in most of the time. in bed they are likely to favor the doggy position (as libra rules that part of the body) and will likely slap their partner’s ass a lot 💀

capricorn venus

a true romantic! they are strict on their boundaries and will never settle (especially the more developed they are). they might stay in a relationship (platonic, romantic or otherwise) if it doesn’t serve them, but not for long. even when they do this they will not be all in because they know there will be a moment when they need to fall back completely and when it does they do so immediately, w/out remorse. when they are in love however, they are devoted because (in true Saturn fashion) in their eyes they are investing into their future. such romantics when they find the one! i mean like true lovers. they want you to meet their families, plan your future (always realistically), plan out elaborate dates, may even buy stuff they want you to wear. these natives are definitely the types give you those “be ready at 8pm, wear this” notes. also likely to wear the pants 😭 and definitely dominant in bed (likely into bdsm as well, esp if masc).

sativaonsaturn 🪐🍃

[jeonscatalyst]

Did anything about jikooks (or vminkook if that interests you) dynamic surprise you in are you sure? I think the extent of JK's brattiness and their play-fighting did surprise me a little. I think it's because I haven't been following them beyond the music that much in solo era. Also if I compare vminkooks dynamic from say that joint live in 2021 or the live incl Hobi (in 2022 I think?), I think it's a little bit different from what we're seeing in the show. If I think about it, it does check out in many ways with regards to what they've told us but I don't think it's something we've seen this plainly before

Hey anon,

Nothing about Jikook’ or Vminkook’s dynamic surprised me much, infact I would say the boys haven’t changed at all. Jungkook has always been bratty. Literally all the members have complained about him being bratty and stubborn and as for the play-fighting (I am assuming you are talking about Jikook) that has literally always been their thing. Someone described Jikook’s dynamic as a mix of all the other duo dynamics in BTS and now I really cannot unsee it. They playfight like jinkook, bicker like yoonmin, are soft with each other like Namkook, are besties like taekook and are caring towards each other like Jihope. There is literally a mix of everything in their dynamic and that is one of the reasons why Jikook are so difficult to explain as a duo. I personally don’t have any trouble understanding the other duo dynamics of BTS but Jikook still challenges me sometimes.

It was definitely kinda new to see them bicker so much, I mean we had seen them bicker before but the other members were usually in the mix so just seeing them bicker about parking was kinda new but not really surprising to me.

As for taekook, I didn’t see anything about their dynamic that surprised me at all. They are the duo who know how to have maximum fun when they are together as they have so many things in common when it comes to personal interests so it is extremely easy for them to be in sync but they also have moments where they could come off a bit nonchalant towards each other (but this is very normal) and I have seen so many people say they have a passive aggressive energy about them but I don’t see it personally. I just think that Jungkook sometimes has his moments you know, when he doesn’t really feel like being enthusiastic about anyone (Jimin included) and Tae isn’t like Jimin who will still try to initiate interactions when Jk gets in that mood but instead Tae just kinda ignores as well or throws in some snarky comments and maybe that is why people see some passive aggressiveness but generally I think they have gotten much closer than they were a few years ago and even their emotional bond seems to have deepened a little more than before.

For Vminkook’s dynamic, I think it is pretty much the same to be honest. Like I said before, Jungkook has his bratty and soft moments with both of them and Vmin are still the two hyungs who dote on him but call him out in their own way when he starts going too far. Jungkook has a very different dynamic with both of them and it is seen more when he is with the two of them (or atleast I noticed it more). I had always known but just seeing it in play out in AYS was….interesting. I think with Tae, Jk really enjoys just doing the fun boy stuff. They both look their happiest around each other when they are bringing out the childishness out of each other and I can see why they easily connected when they were rookies. One person starts something and the other very easily goes along with it, no question asked. They are also a good example of dumb and dumber or the blind leading the blind because it seems like between the two of them, no one is the voice of reason and we all crave people who we can just be extremely silly with without overthinking anything and I guess that is what taekook are to each other and that is why Tae can call Jk and ask him to join him in Hawaii and Jk takes a 9 hour flight there, you know just for the fun of it. Unlike what taekookers would like to believe, it isn’t because Jk is in love with tae or none of that. If I had a bestie whom I usually have alot of fun with when we are together and we both like the same things and I had Jungkook money and time, I will do the exact same thing. But, just as I had said before, it just feels like the foundation of their friendship is mostly centered around the fun and shared interests, not much else. They ofcourse really care for each other and are supportive of each other as well. I thought it was extremely sweet how Jungkook immediately climbed that wall to encourage Tae when Tae was scared to jump. Those are some of the moments that show just how they get each other and how much they care about each other. Taekook as bestfriends works so well but I don’t see them working out as romantic partners and I also understand why they don’t seem to be each other’s go to person for comfort. This is because they are way too alike. They both are naturally takers so they need givers for things to balance out. That is why at some point, they both sought out comfort from Jimin who is a a natural giver and not from each other.

Jimin and Jungkook are kinda different here because even though those two also have alot of fun with each other, Jimin is actually very different from Jungkook. He isn’t as spontaneous and he thinks about everything way too much. He also likes to have a schedule or plan things out before he executes them but Jungkook takes everyday as it comes and doesn’t seem to think about things too much so because of this, Jimin is like the voice of reason but sometimes Jungkook doesn’t want a voice of reason, he just wants adventure. A good example of this is that episode from I land where Jungkook stole TXT’s food from the pantry. He was in there with Tae and while he was stealing the food, Tae just went along with it and didn’t say anything but instead just found the whole thing funny but immediately Jk went outside with the food and Jimin saw him, Jimin (as well as the other members) asked him to return the food and they even scolded him (Jimin included lol). This is how Tae and Jk are partners in crime because they both readily go along with each other’s mischief but Jimin is that voice of reason that Jk needs because Jk is very impressionable (he said it himself) so if he doesn’t have some Jimins in his life, he could easily go astray. Even though Jikook are so different, they still are so alike and they click and just get each other so well and I don’t even know how to explain it. It seems to me like they are the definition of opposites attract, ying and yang. Jimin has the light that Jk needs and Jk has the darkness Jimin craves, they balance each other out, they give each other what the other lacks, they complement each other completely. Their bond in my opinion is definitely deeper as the foundation of it much more than the fun they have when they are together. There is an underlying intimacy in their play that isn’t there in taekook’s too. While taekook just play around like 5 year olds without a care in the world, splashing around in pools or shooting at each other with water guns, there is a subtle intimacy and softness in the way Jikook play around and they are definitely more handsy with each other too. This is pretty much everything I already knew about them and it is exactly the same thing I saw so I don’t really think anything was surprising or maybe just how much Jikook can bicker, if I had to pick something lol.

So anon, I have written a ton even though you probably just wanted a shorter answer but I couldn’t help myself lol. I have a problem not expatiating as much as I can. I hope this answers your question though and if u don’t mind, I would love to hear what you thought was different about Vminkook’s dynamic from 2021/2022 and now. I don’t really think we can compare from those moments you mentioned but I’d really love to hear or read your thoughts.

[cheesit-notes]

Simon Riley + Hand Kisses

tags: kissing obviously, ptsd for simon basically, gn!reader, overthinking simon, simon getting violent at one point, a/n: sorry i was gone for a week! i want to say i worked on stuff but ive been busy with things and this was the only thing i did. im not all that happy with the time to result ratio of this tbh but i love the idea of Simonand hand kisses so enjoy!

Ghost who cannot stand any and all kinds of intimate touches. he doesn’t like intimate touches. no, actually, he loathes those touches. it reminds him of a time he’d really rather forget. there’s no way to really kiss him without having to slowly practice. underneath the mask, he’s nothing more than the emotionally scarred, vulnerable Simon Riley who went through far too much for any human.

the first time both of you technically kissed, you had asked if you could kiss him, he said yes because you looked like you wanted it so badly. the two of you stood awkwardly in his barracks. he’s wondering if he should’ve changed clothes earlier, he just got back and was still in his uniform, probably smelled fowl, but you didn’t say a word. ah, he thought he could handle it. he really did. but to kiss was a lot easier said than done. and he’ll never fully forgive himself for shoving you away slamming you against the wall, and he was choking you. he didn’t actually hit you, you tell him that everyday, but the fact he fully intended to hit you for the moment scared him. plagued with the thought that he truly was no different from his father; he could barely look at you for the weeks following that, much less talk to you. no, he refused to do so much as to stand near you; petrified he wouldn’t snap out of it in time, terrified he’d hurt you.

months later, he asked if it’s alright to try again. the kissing thing, you know? it was months after the previous attempt, you and Simon had already reconciled, as much as possible anyways, so the question left you a little confused. you were happy to, but only if he was really ready. and he said he was, he swore it. although.. looking at you, thinking back about the previous attempt, made him anxious. but he already said he would. so he should? he should stick to his words, right? youd probably think hes a coward. god, a man shouldnt be a coward. and he cant be a coward. and all these thoughts ran through his mind. he doesnt realize he’s zoned out and that you’re staring at him with a concerned look on your face. its not until you decide to speak does he snap back.

“are you sure you want to do this?”

he’s not even sure what to respond. what did he want?  he’s only really thought about what you wanted. it’s not like his wants really mattered in his eyes.

“you know, we don’t have to do this. we can still have a perfectly fine relationship without–”

“no! absolutely, no, we.. we have to kiss.”

he insisted, almost yelling like he’s afraid he wouldn’t be heard. and that you’d leave him because you’d think he couldn’t kiss you, because he couldn't give you of a normal relationship. and you deserved it. you deserved a normal relationship with someone who could give you what you wanted. and god, he wishes he were normal.

anyone could tell he was agitated. honestly, it isn’t easy for you. you could tell he wouldn’t handle it well if you kissed him directly. but if you didn’t then he’d isolate himself, thoughts spiralling like a roller coaster in his mind, and you couldn’t be sure when or where the ride ended. so, grab his hands, hold them in yours, and plant a gentle kiss on each. you hold his hands, looking into his eyes, and for what felt like hours, the two of you stayed put like that. until Simon told you to leave.

it caught you off guard, you’re a little taken back. but respecting his wishes, you leave the room. not even a minute after you leave, Simon slumps against the wall, he can’t stop the hot, burning tears from falling. maybe it was how soft your lips felt against his caloused hands or how careful you were with him, how you knew that he likely wouldn’t react well to either choice and yet you made the perfect one.

Simon Riley who sometimes holds your hand, silently hoping you’d kiss his hand again. he likes it when you give each knuckle a peck. if you bent down on one knee, you’d look like a knight kissing the princess’ hand, and Johnny would say this whenever he saw the chance. Simon Riley who still isn’t ready to kiss you directly, but he’s slowly working on it. Simon Riley who will probably learn to like different types of kisses, but right now, he's smitten over you and your hand kisses that make him feel oh so loved.

next time he holds your hand, give him a kiss, will you?

[sunnydalelibrarian]

Buffy Rewatch: Season 2: Episodes 1-4

2x01: "When She Was Bad"

"Use the Force, Luke" "Do I even have to dignify that with a guess?"

Willow and Xander being too fucking cute! Can you imagine how different things would've been if they hadn't been interrupted here? Talk about a badass entrance though! My girl is back!

And my baby is traumatised 🥺

Giles is one Snyder-talk away from snapping, poor man

"Every time a pretty girl walks by, every boy turns into a gibbering fool" cue Jenny walking in and Giles being utterly speechless and immediately ditching Snyder (who continues to talk to himself!) 😂 The way Giles fully forgets Snyder even exists in that moment has me in stitches

His look of "not now, children!" But also how happy he is to see Buffy though 🥺

The way Willow and Xander were betting on how long it would take Giles to consult his books and Jenny actively trying not to laugh at them 😂

Oh Buffy sure is working through some stuff!

Okay but did the Anointed One have someone run to the store to buy him an edgy black turtleneck over the summer? What happened to the kid clothes?

I love Cordelia so much, even she's a bit concerned about Buffy when she's being mean

Oh Xander! Somebody skelp him upside the head

Buffy, baby, I know you're hurting but let's not take it out on everyone you know. You're just playing with everyone's feelings here. Look at Willow's heartbroken little face!

The fact that Cordelia's the one to call her out though! Like, Cordy knows she's a bitch but she also knows that Buffy doesn't act like that so she has no qualms about calling her on it

"Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out" *Xander immediately gets it wrong* 😂

Sorry but can we address how lonely Cordelia and Jenny's lives must be at this point in time that they can be missing for a whole 24 hours before anyone notices?

Oh Buffy my baby 🥺 that's it, take it all out on the skeleton

Not Cordelia trauma-bonding with Jenny over being kidnapped by vampires! Cordelia complaining about the stains left on her clothes by all that horrific stuff meanwhile Jenny's expression just screams "fucking hell girl, priorities!"

The look on Buffy's face looking at Xander and Willow and she knows she's home

2x02: "Some Assembly Required"

Oh Angel and Buffy are so awkward, dude she's 16 what's your excuse?

Wait, so Xander's a kid but Buffy, who is the same age as him, is totally fine to date? Dude... 😬

Finding the girl's shoe in the dirt is a really creepy shot

Giles overthinking how to ask Jenny on a date 😂 Again, why is he such a mood? How flustered he is!!

"Well, thank you, Cyrano!"

Giles: "Graverobbing? Well, that's new. Interesting." Buffy: "I know you meant to say gross and disturbing." Giles: "Yes, yes of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it."

Cordelia: "Hello, can we deal with my pain please?" Giles: (perfunctory, half-hearted)."There, there."

Again, Angel, why are you being fucking creepy?

Oh but Chris' home life is so sad. His mom barely even registers he exists anymore.

Buffy, honey, props for trying but Giles is beyond help 😂 Look at him, he's so flustered! Honestly, credit to Jenny for deciding now is the time to take pity on him rather than mess with him. She really said "fuck it, if I wait for him to make a move, I'll be here all day!"

Oh bless him he's so pleased! His little skip 😭

I love how this episode is basically just the plot of Frankenstein in a high school

All jokes aside, horrible things really do just keep happening to Cordelia, she has the worst luck in the world

Okay but Jenny's date outfit is so cute, I'd totally wear that

Not Xander and Willow crashing their date!

Damn, that makes two episodes in a row Cordelia's been kidnapped. My girl really cannot catch a break.

Dammit Xander! 🙄

2x03: "School Hard"

I will never stop hating Snyder. He was such a dick to a bunch of teenagers for absolutely no reason

Oh, Willow's braids are so cute! "I'm a rebel" said so innocently, I love my girl

Spike Spike Spike!!! That is still the most badass entrance/character introduction of all time! They really wanted to drive home the "this guy is trouble!" theme, huh? I love how vampires have no breath but that's not gonna stop Spike smoking!

"If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock"

The way he immediately switches out of vamp mode when Dru walks in. He gives her his jacket as soon as she says she's cold. I love how soft he is with her 🥺 My favourite trope is "big bad dude is a total simp for his girlfriend"

I know Joyce has no idea what's going on but Buffy's trying her best, give her a break

"Rupert, you have got to read something that was published after 1066." "Very funny." I love how Giles and Jenny are just joined at the hip during the first half of this season

The fact that none of them can stand Snyder! Students and staff, everyone hates this mf

Not Giles and Jenny's immediate exit stage left 😂

"Once [Spike] starts something, he won't stop until everything in his path is dead." Gee, Angel, wonder who he learned that from?

Did Spike actually cart Dru's dolls all the way from Prague? I love them so much. She's talking absolute nonsense, off in her own weird world, and he's just like you're quite right, darling, now how about you eat something?

Giles taking a break from the explaining to point Willow's crossbow away from their faces, and her little smile 😂

I love that Cordelia's there helping, she's just one of them now

Has Jenny just been in the library this entire time? Babe, don't you have, like, the teacher part of parent-teacher night to be doing?

Ooh, Willow coming in clutch with the brass bust, that's my girl!

🎶 someone's in the ceiling 🎵

I love how Joyce is having none of Snyder and his shit, Buffy is so her mother's daughter

"People still fall for that Anne Rice routine?" Oh I do love Spike

"You were my Yoda" Spike is a Star Wars fan confirmed!

The confirmation that Snyder knows exactly what's up in this town and he's still an asshole

"I will understand if you decide to start avoiding me" - sad foreshadowing aside, Giles' little smile after Jenny takes his arm anyway is so cute

Oh poor Willow and Cordelia still stuck in the closet!

Spike kills the Anointed One and Dru's just looking at him like "hell yeah that's my man!"

Episode 4: "Inca Mummy Girl"

This one always makes me so sad. She was literally just a girl 🥺

Tbf I would also want to strangle the guy who just smashed a five-hundred year old artifact

"Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone!" 😂

She was just a girl! She just wanted a normal life and we don't even know her real name

Honestly, good for her. She's only taking back the autonomy that was stolen from her

So she was supposed to be the Slayer, right? That's what we're meant to infer from this?

I don't remember Oz's band being this good?? Damn

[lverbirdonmeth]

REASONS WHY I CAN’T TAKE THE PRESSURE OF LIVING

Im fat. Consistently since years (2014-present) I have had only one goal in my life was to achieve a certain body goal for someone or other who barely ever noticed my weight loss. Every year I told myself the fact that I need to lose in order to look pretty but every year passes by and I look back and realise I shouldn’t have been that harsh on myself cause my body was perfect but its a cycle never stopping itself. Theres a lot of pressure from my family, relatives and more from myself because I believe I will look good in clothes, people will like me better, I can get a good nice friend group which I have always wished for because what I think is that the fact I was ignored the most in whichever friend I have been is that I wasn’t pretty enough so yes. I feel like 99% of my problems will be solved if I turn skinny because I really want to be skinny my whole life I really don’t care about my health I just want to look thin, like as thin as possible, even if its skinny because my chances of bagging up guys will increase more and girls befriending me will grow.

I procrastinate a lot. It’s been hard for me to do stuff on time. I delay them a lot, and I feel that it will affect my lifestyle in different ways. I am a lazy person and I am not sure why or maybe I am the problem which I am but like yeah. Like I’m not sure how other girls are so productive and then there’s me who can’t even remember to do basic chores assigned.

I am not mentally stable. And this is one topic I will be elaborating too much. I am not mentally sane. I am an immature, weird human with no job except to just overthink. Maybe its my trauma that affects this but its been years and I haven’t been able to rest my mind about how things that have been occurred to me in the past (or lets just call it TRAUMA lol). I blame it all on trauma and how immature I was when I was a kid and a preteen and during my teens but I really wonder if I ever had liberal American parents, will my life be perfect? I am not complaining about my parents and I in fact really appreciate what they did for me but you know I see some online dads uploading videos with their kids on parental guidance and how you should really treat ur kids but did those videos ever occur in my parents’ feed. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT POINTS  is this one that my mind, my immature mind who doesn’t allow me to talk to anyone is due to a lot of reasons. I don’t want to live , because with this brain of mine that can’t 

My parents deserve a better daughter than me. Im an idiot. Im fat, and my mom wanted a girl so that she could dress her a certain way but she cannot with me. My dad is a Class 1 officer, highly intelligent and the smartest person I know, and I am here, an idiot. A stupid dumb person. My brother, all rounder in every field, over achiever, talented in almost everything. What happened with me? He received the trauma, and he became independent and smart, I got trauma I became dumb in almost everything. My parents really deserve a better daughter. I wish the women my dad says are gonna do great in life, were my father’s daughter. Like he used to compare me with my 2 year old neighbour when I couldn’t do basic math equations in middle school. He would proudly say that that 2 year old can do better than you. I wish I was never born. I wish my dad had a better daughter. I wish my mom had a better daughter. I wish my brother had a better sister. I wish I was never alive. I have disappointed my parents enough, I need god to kill me and take me to himself.  I had lived enough, seen enough. Yesterday my brother hit my face in front of my mom, and she didn’t utter a single word. Told my dad about it, and he didn’t do anything about it. What am I supposed to expect from my own family? To protect me from predators outside? From the strangers who would harm me? Had no expectations in the first place from them anyway.

I always look upto my cousins a lot. They are all intelligent and smart in their field. Why am I a failure? God could’ve given me some brains to make my parents proud. My friend, my soulmate, she’s living my life, away from her family. I wish I was dead, lol. I googled some ways to end it. Reddit has all the answers but the ways are too complicated, and some too expensive. Im thinking of ending it in so many ways that I don’t know how to live this life. Thinking about living hurst my heart, but ending it all excites me. I can never be like my cousin who graduated from top 100 universities around the world. Her parents are so proud of her, she has so much potential. My brother is such an all rounder. What happened to me? I know everyone’s proud of my cousin, for them im just existing. Im an idiot. A completely disgrace to my family. Im finding so many ways to kill myself but its so hard to find an easy way. Thought of hiring an hitman, but idk how. 

Why is it so hard being an Indian? I hate my own nationality. I hate my own people. I hate this country so much. The state I live in. Ugh. Can be any nationality other than Indian. Its so annoying. The shame I feel when I tell someone, ‘’Oh! Im Indian.’’. It sucks. Silly reason to kms but truth lies here. My father praises everyone so much. When I ask him about what that 2 year old would do in life, he exclaims that she will become and do the best in future, and when I ask him about myself, he sits quiet, says he’s not sure about me because I haven’t achieved anything yet. My mother, I hate her so much. Ugh. No one knows the better act to play the victim card than her. But here I am, an idiot, didn’t apply to universities outside my town. I will be a complete idiot for the rest of my life. My love for dilfs and milfs will never end, even if the situation with my parents settles down. I would continue to be jealous of the girls my age and younger and older who have such strong relationship with their parents. One of the reasons I cry whenever im in the streets of US and I see girls bonding with their family, especially with their fathers/mothers, with love and affection. I wonder what that’s like. I see them from a distance and cry inside, and out too. Wouldn’t mind if death came to me at the happiest day of my life. Death is always welcome to take me with them. Always. 

[numberoneredriotfan]

nodding!! i do wanna point out rq that, at the end of the movie novelization, it mentions that rody is no longer living for just his siblings, but for the people who care about him as well (aka izuku.) god. there's so many things in the novelization that made me so ill about him

TRULY rody and his undiagnosed ptsd. god. not to bring up how ppl characterize him again but i cannot Believe that no one has really talked about this facet of his character. i mean i Can believe it but also. Augh.

FOR SURE INKO WOULD LOVE RODY!!! i kinda like the idea that he'd be a little uncomfortable around her? agreed with the fawning thing but i also think from the angle of... god i hope i can explain this.

rody kinda tries to present himself as being Older, ex. him referring to deku as kid during their first interaction (really funny because he's only a few months older) + his preferred style of business casual. makes sense because he's a teenager trying to be the adult in his siblings life. what i'm getting at here is... i think inko would treat rody As his age, as the 16-17 year old he is. and i think that would make him uncomfortable. i think he would see how motherly and caring inko is and, yknow, being an overthinker, i wouldnt be surprised if hed find himself having thoughts like "does she think i'm doing a good job" because, well, from the team up mission, we know that rody doesn't think he is.

i think it would take him a while to find the thoughts of his own mother because i think that stuff is buried. if you wanted to go an angstier approach to this.

I unfortunately haven't read the movie novelization since I'm not sure where to :( But that's so sweet! I'm proud of my boy!

And no you're totally right about Rody being uncomfortable around Rody. And I get what you mean, suddenly being treated like your age after basically acting as an adult for so long would be strange. And yeah I did notice that Rody called Deku a kid like brother you're the same age😭 Rody definitely forgets how young he is. And adults tells him "you're just a kid, you shouldn't have to deal with all this" and he just. Freezes. That's such a revelation for him.

Ohhh Rody not thinking he's doing a good job breaks me. I think deep down he wants verbal affirmation that he IS doing a good job (based on the scene at the end of the movie where he asks Deku if he protected his family). Right after, Rody smiles and says he is pretty cool, which makes me think that if someone tells him he is doing a good job, it helps him believe that he is in fact doing a good job.

And yeah to be honest I was taking a bit more of a humorous approach to things but realistically yeah it would take him a little while to realize that.

Inko would hear about all that Rody does and has been through and would definitely say how strong he is and how his siblings are lucky.

On this note of rody meeting people... I imagine him meeting Eri for the first time. I personally think Rody likes kids, not just his siblings, and would love Eri.

[batgrldes]

My God, I just woke up to pandemonium on here! And what do I see but some freshly baked buddie content! I told myself I would step back a little and reduce my expectations but how am I supposed to do that when they give us this? I am trying like an addict to not take another hit of buddie cannon thoughts but here I go again.

I'm not sure what to make of the top picture with Eddie. There's a relaxed nature to him. The familiarity and comfort of his hand on (Buck's?) shoulder says whatever is going on, Eddie is in a good place. He may be talking about his dating life. I still say dating and not relationship because this Era of Eddie is about putting himself out there, not about finding a marriage worthy partner (*grumbling* he's already married to someone.) He's not ready for a serious relationship but is having a good time.

Next we have Buck and Chris. This is a serious conversation of whatever they could be talking about. There are a few possibilities of what it could be:

-Problems at school

-Issues with growing up, puberty, teen stuff.

-Dilemma with his dad

-A lack of Buck in Christopher's life and pulling away

-The Buckley-Diaz family is starting to fracture big time.

These all kind of correlate with each other, which is why it's so hard to pin down what it could be. What I can see is Buck is trying to talk to Chris, but it's not face to face. He is looking away as if it's difficult to talk about, possibly holding back something, or even downright lying about it, (Buck's a terrible liar so it may also be denial or ignorance driving him).

And Christopher is the big red flag here. He is not invested in this convo. He is not looking at Buck and is busy writing in his notebook. Now, I guess he could be writing down what Buck is saying. I see some people saying he's asking Buck about past traumas for a report, but I'm not too sure about that one. This is giving me more, "I here you but I'm not listening" which I could be wrong about, but I feel like it's time for Buck to realize he's not Christopher's number one friend that can do no wrong anymore and has to face the fact that Chris is growing up and is more perceptive about what is going on in his life and in his home.

He's probably wondering why Buck isn't around as much. Teenage life is turbulent and confusing, and neither his Dad nor Buck is around for him to ask stuff. He may be feeling left out or left behind. He may feel a little jaded by Buck since he promised Chris he would always be around. (Gavin is such an amazing actor. I cannot wait to see him in this scene.)

There, I have said my piece about these photos. I may add to this but I'll try not to only in that I don't want to overthink it, as if I already haven't.

- Bonus thought: I really think Buck and Eddie are heading for a break up this season. There is a lot being left unsaid, plenty of trauma between them, and for buddie to work, there needs to be a breakdown and rebuilding of foundations. Not that they have to go clean-slate, but re-evaluate who they are to each other and face their feelings about one another. I need at least one of them to say 'I need you' and realize they are in love. That passion needs to come forward and it most likely will come in the form of a fight.

Okay I'm done.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

(different Anon here) I too enjoy reading your ramblings on ML. I have a question about the last one: "Along the same lines, the love square should never be canon unless Marinette gives up Guardianship because Adrien is a liability to the safety of the miraculouses even if he didn't wield on himself. " I don't think I really understand this, can you give an example what you meant or what consequences you thought about this?

Sure! Adrien is basically a sleeper agent. All the senti kids are.

Let's say that Adrien retires while Marinette stays Ladybug. Someone then gets their hands on Adrien's amok and says, "Wait until your wife is home, then murder her and take her miraculous."

As Ephemeral showed us, Adrien WILL do that. His love is not enough to overpower his amok even what it means the end of the world. You could also ask him to tell you all of the secrets of the miraculous and he'd sing like a canary! You don't even need to say please! Therefore, he cannot stay with Marinette because Marinette is the kind of person who will have enemies that want to kill her in order to get her miraculous or the miracle box. The only way to get around those issues is for Marinette to give up her guardianship and her miraculous, turning her back into an ordinary civilian.

I cannot overstate how massive a liability Adrien is to the safety of the world. He is the perfect way to get to Marinette and all of the other miraculouses. If the love square stays together, then Adrien will have access to Marinette at her most vulnerable, meaning that villains don't have to come up with some sort of clever plan to get to her or him or their children. They just have to steal one of his amoks and tell Adrien to do the dirty work for them.

Wearing the amoks doesn't keep them safe, Felix has shown us that. Locking them away doesn't keep them safe because that still means that someone could steal them. Can't destroy them, then Adrien dies. You could post guards on them and pay those guards well, but you'd still have to trust that they wouldn't betray you. You could possibly lock the amoks in a box and throw them into the ocean and pray that no one finds them, but that's still got risks.

Basically, Adrien's free will will never be truly his because his free will is reliant on something external to him, which is horrifying. He will never truly have the undeniable basic freedom to say "no" that we enjoy as humans. He cannot ever say "death first" to protect his wife and children. He will always obey the amok.

Obviously the miraculouses are physical objects too and so they also carry the risks of being stolen, but it's a different kind of risk, imo. If someone gets the black cat, then Marinette and Adrien can team up to try to get it back and you can't hide the fact that it's been taken. Plagg disappearing will be immediately obvious. If someone steals one of the amoks, then you'll only know whenever you try to give Adrien a command and he doesn't obey. Are they going to do a nightly command check to make sure that the amoks are real? Like this is just a very dark setup and I am baffled that they didn't have Gabriel use the wish to undo it.

If you've ever seen Fruit Basket, just think of how Kyo's bracelet is treated and how much that messed with his mother's mental health. I picture Marinette developing similar habits for very understandable reasons.

I try not to overthink stuff in kids shows, but I don't think this counts? Like this was all really obvious to me as soon as I heard the basic concept of the senti theory. A character being able to be mind controlled leading to him being controlled to do horrible things seems really like a natural expectation in a superhero show.

[ambcass]

ᴊᴇᴀɴ ᴋɪʀꜱᴛᴇɪɴ x ꜰᴇᴍ! ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ || ᴅᴀᴛɪɴɢ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴꜱ

in honor of aot ending :( Also what if I told yall that ck isn't my thing no more... when s6 comes out I'll watch it but idk if I'm gna post anymore ck stuff

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ: implied sexual content (it's mild dw), AOT ENDING SPOILERS!!, Terrible pet names, SOME SAD PARTS

.

.

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.

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Jean is a big PDA guy. He tries not to get too handsy but good lord he can't help it. Hands on your waist, hands on your thighs, and hands around your neck are all it'll take to get him going.

His top three love languages are physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. He doesn't mean to always touch you but it makes him feel safe that he knows that you're safe. He cannot go one day without kisses or hugs!!

If he doesn't get the slightest attention from you, he'll get super grumpy. Spending time with you is what really helps Jean connect and bond. He'll slowly educate himself on your favorite foods, clothing, etc.

Words of affirmation are how he really bagged you in the first place. Commenting on how beautiful you look, how much he loves you, and encouraging you to do things you love is what makes you fall for him even more.

Dates can range from movie nights to a full-on romantic dinner with rose petals and everything. Making sure you're loved and happy is one of Jean's priorities. He won't stop doing things until you're satisfied (winks) with whatever he's doing.

Jean hates cooking but he can cook. He always complains about how he can't cook and stuff but TRUST ME when I say he can. The second you tasted his cooking, you were in LOVE. You kept asking for seconds, thirds, and forths. (Niccolo obviously cooks better...)

Jean is the type of guy with very low self esteem in a relationship. Scared to lose you to another guy or thinking you're too good for him. Days like those is really what "breaks" the relationship. He doesn't want to but he'll ignore you for a little to give himself space to get rid of thoughts. He overthinks for sure. When he hears you tell him "I love you", he thinks that you don't mean and you're just pitying him.

You always try your hardest to comfort him when he thinks that way. You reassure him that you do love him and you give him millions of reasons why you do love him. It's canon that he covers his ears and gets lost in thoughts when he's really overwhelmed.

After Eren's death, the both of you were closer than ever. He was scared to lose you just like Mikasa lost Eren. (I AM A MIKASA LOVER I SWEAR.) He promises to stay by your side no matter what.

Jean gets jealous easily. He can't hold himself back when he sees a guy getting too comfortable with you. He'll interfere no matter what and doesn't care who that guy is- he'll rush over to you, telling that guy off and making sure that guy knows who you belong to.

He's pretty basic when it comes to pet names. It's just "Babe", "Baby", or a stupid nickname he made for you.

a/n: got lazy lol. AMBCASS ACTUALLY POSTS?!? PLEASE SOMEONE REQUEST SMTH IM CRYINGG I HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE

[viperwhispered]

Jamemi moments: caretaking edition

This ended up dealing with kinda bloody matters (periods and nosebleeds), oop.

Also I swear I was thinking of these things even before Dio's recent Lou post.

The things Jamil has to deal with, no matter the universe.

You can find more information on my yuusona Emi and her relationship with Jamil here on the masterlist.

Being the good, considerate boyfriend (and a chronic ball of overthinking & worrying) he is, at some point Jamil starts carrying pads with him.

But Emi just never seems to need them, or even mentions having her period in general. That's weird, is she just super shy and discreet about it, or...?

Eventually, the topic comes up, and Emi's just all: yeah when I had my first period here and had to go to the nurse, I jumped so fast on the opportunity when she told me there's a potion to just be rid of my periods for a while. Alchemy truly is a wonderful miracle.

Honestly, sometimes she kinda wishes she could just hand out her uterus to someone who actually wants one. The first period was nice for feeling all mature and grown - up until to the point when the cramps started. Now it's just an annoying hassle. No need to celebrate her womanhood with a monthly bleeding if she can help it, thank you very much.

Sometime after book 6 Emi ends up catching a cold. Not a wonder, really, considering the stress she's been under - and while chilliness in itself may not cause one to fall in, the condition of Ramshackle certainly doesn't help.

So Emi's there all grumpy and tired, going through tissues at a steady pace while curling up by the fire at Ramshackle. Jamil's in the kitchen, preparing some warm soup for her.

But when Jamil returns with the bowl of food, he finds Emi laying on the couch, a pile of bloody tissues next to her.

"What happened? Are you alright?"

Before Emi knows it, Jamil's set the bowl on the table with a forceful thud, hovering over her side with definite concern.

"Oh, just a nosebleed. Happens with the constant blowing of my nose and stuff, don't worry about it," Emi says, annoyed but mostly just resigned to her fate.

Yeah, right, Jamil's definitely gonna listen to that.

So Jamil sees to instructing Emi on the proper method of dealing with a nosebleed - clearing her nose and pressing the nostril closed until the bleeding stops. And most importantly: sitting up and leaning forward so she's not swallowing all the blood like she's definitely been doing so far.

"Sorry. I'll clean up the tissues in a moment, just-" Emi says, all apologetic, watching Jamil fuss over her, her feeling like such a bother.

"I've dealt with worse. Just let me take care of you," Jamil says in his usual stern manner, a hand still lingering on her back.

And before Emi knows it, she just bursts into tears - which makes things all the more tricky and messy, with the nosebleed, and her already stuffed nose, and still trying to somehow breathe through it all and dab all the mix of fluids away from her face.

Sure, she's been finding herself getting emotional before when Jamil's been insisting on doing things for her or just checking on her - or with anyone else genuinely asking how she's been doing. But now, tired and sick and everything, she just cannot hold it back at all, as embarrassing as it is.

Girl really has been hanging on by a thread trying to shoulder everything mostly by herself ever since ending up in Twisted Wonderland, ready to shatter with the slightest bits of genuine care.

Cue an embarrassed, messy Emi, trying to squeeze apologies out through the sobs - and Jamil, totally out of his depth, trying to figure out what he just did wrong and what he can do to fix this.

After all that awkwardness, Emi soon finds herself with some topical treatments to keep her airways clear and moisturised - and also with a nice, easy to clean water bottle, because “the hydration starts from the inside, the treatments can only do so much if you're not drinking enough”, according to Jamil.

And to wrap this up from the other side of the equation:

“My beloved.”

Jamil recognized that chiding tone, braced himself for receiving Emi’s displeasure.

“Why are you still working?”

Good question.

Well, of course Jamil knew why. Whether he had an explanation that would sway Emi, that was another question altogether.

"I wanted to get these ready for tomorrow."

That only got Emi to purse her lips further.

"Yeah, well, I can sort those out. You, meanwhile, need to rest." She wrapped her hands around his wrists, physically pulling Jamil away.

"Emi," he protested.

How was it that someone as soft as his habibti could be this forceful with him? So unflinching under his stare?

But perhaps he indeed was tired enough not to offer her the full sharpness of him.

It wasn't often that Emi would actually manhandle Jamil away from his work, but when she did...

Perhaps it was the confusing mix of indignation, surprise and something murkily sweet and warm that made him yield in the end, offering only a token of protest as she practically dragged him with her.

Basically, if Indulgence is a jamemi vibe, then so is Rest.

Taglist: @scint1llat3 @diodellet @moonyasnow @bibi-cha

If anyone else would like to be tagged for Emi / jamemi things, just let me know!

[yuri-is-online]

Yuri, what do you think about the theory that the Clash happened because Clementia found out a dark secret about the Academy/ghouls and got offed as a result? Because it's been keeping me up at night and I NEED ANSWERS

edit: while I was writing this I went back to the intro so I could read the prophecy and noticed something in the Intro I think we all missed since I haven't seen anyone really talk about it. When naming the dorms, Luca obviously does not list Clemntia, but he also does not name Obscuary. When asked neither does Kaito, but I assume that is the seventh and "newest house of the current line up" he describes as "having no general students and even most ghoul students cannot join it... you cannot be assigned there by the Weighing of Souls." There is a rumor about "their captain being the one to-" and then he is cut off by Cornelius. Is that also related to the Clash? What is Ed rumored to have done?

... huh. I should. I should probably get back on the reddit or look at world chat. Or maybe join a guild that's got more active people in it that aren't french or a discord because this is the first I have heard of this. I want to make a lengthy post here at some point about what we know about Clementia from the story + some trivia stuff I have noticed but none of it really helps beyond suggesting that it's 1) vaguely church/holy themed and 2) has some roman and greek influences. Neither of which assist us in figuring out what happened to them.

For my part, my brain keeps turning towards the fact they seem to be responsible for "exorcisms" and that the ghouls have "lately" been refusing to capture the anomalies and insist on killing them. Darkwick has a lot of anomalies in their care, and as we see in Book 4 it can create them as well. I was wondering if maybe Clementia's duties extended past exorcising anomolies, were they also responsible for their proper storage? To me I feel like the ghouls (specifically Taiga) have a reason for thinking it is best to kill the anomalies instead of taking them back for study. My reasoning for this is mostly that I can't see Tohma, who makes a point to be in good standing with the school, actively whoops a daisying every single mission he does "just because." Whatever happened with the Clash clearly caused a break in relations between the school and its ghouls, based of Taiga saying the spy among them is trying to "make us ghouls look bad" I think the general belief among one faction (let's call them Tohma's Faction since he was the first one to bring up the spy) is that whatever happened was not actually the ghouls's fault. Perhaps even that things were instigated on purpose.

That feels like a lot of word vomit, basically what I am trying to say is that I don't think the ghouls trust the school with the care of anomalies at the moment, and that an anomaly of some sort is what was responsible for what happened to Clementia more so than the school itself. Perhaps a very powerful demon? I sort of get the feeling that whatever happened to Clementia was not whatever the instigator (if one exists) intended, if for no other reason than it was the only dorm destroyed. There's a chance this person wanted all of the ghouls destroyed, the school seems to think that the prophecy they keep is about a ghoul but I'm not so sure. "The whisper of the new moon will lead the champion to the academy on the solitary isle. So long as the champion resides there, the world shall be sheltered from profound tragedy." I could just be overthinking things but that doesn't really sound like something meant to encourage someone to be a protector of something... it sounds like instructions for a cage. Like as long as a specific thing is contained on the island, then the world will be safe.

Of course none of my thoughts exclude the idea Clementia was destroyed for finding something out, but to me it seems less like a punishment and more like a preemptive strike. If that makes any sense?

[oscurascout]

Y/N As A Doorman

From That's Not My Neighbor game

Note - The D.D.D agent will be a sort of OC like he will just be there for the fun of the story but won't be that important (unless people want, ... I finally discover the read more thing, 😅).

Part 5 (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10)

A whole week has passed since the Hoon incident, and the D.D.D still hasn't returned him, which has been making me, not only angry but to also overthink. I also tried to find the doppelgänger who hurt him, yet it's easier said than done. After all, I can't just go ahead and ask them. Instead, I just said 'Hoon', and I got a lot of reactions from every doppelgänger; everyone reacted in anger. I also acquired a weapon, a taser, which my father had bought for me while I was still working.

Today, I was at work, the same old routine. At this point, I didn't even need to check the ID or folders because now I knew everything like the back of my hand, though I still checked if I had my suspicions.

I let Mr. Gauss in before he tried to flirt with me. After my first week, he started to flirt with me, but as a joke, or at least I hope it's a joke. I was about to look at my phone when I saw someone else come in; it was a D.D.D agent. “What can I do for you?” I asked a bit annoyed.

D.D.D Agent - “I see you are still angry at us *chuckles*. Don't worry, your friend will be released tomorrow.”

“Really!?” I asked, surprised that they had actually listened to my requests and pleas. “He must be a high-ranking person for the D.D.D to want to release Hoon,” I thought as I tried to figure out what they were truly aiming for.

D.D.D Agent - “We are going to leave him at your home, but there is a catch.”

I looked at him angrily, “Ugh, what is it now?” I asked, very angry.

D.D.D Agent - “First, let me in, please.”

I groaned and pressed the green button; they entered and got into the office.

D.D.D Agent - *chuckles* “Okay, the second thing to say is that he is going to have to stay with you. After all, there is a very high probability that he was exiled from the group. Every time you called us to get rid of the doppelgängers, they would all scream for your friend and scream at us to 'kill the traitor.' Obviously, they all got wiped out, but it did lead us to believe that he was exiled from the doppelgängers. Therefore, he cannot return to them, or something worse will happen to him, which led us to decide that you'll become his guardian.”

“What do you think was the cause?” I asked, looking at the floor.

D.D.D Agent - “That is a possibility, but we think, it was a problem caused between him and his kind, since we did find more injuries from some time ago, showing that he probably fought against them. These are all theories, so don't overthink it.”

“Well, anything else?” I asked, somehow knowing that he was leaving something out.

D.D.D Agent - “We would like to get both yours and his approval to observe him. We already have his approval; we only need yours.”

“Observe him?” I asked, confused and annoyed at them.

D.D.D Agent - “Yes, even though he has been exiled, he is still a doppelgänger, which could help us in our research. As you know, ever since these creatures appeared, we haven't truly gathered useful information or any important information for that matter. Therefore, with your friend's help, we may come to know these creatures more and maybe, someday, truly make the world safe again. And don't worry, we'll make sure to keep him safe.”

I thought about it; it was actually a very good thing. Hoon would be safe, and they would get their research. “What type of observation will you be making?” I asked, just to be sure.

D.D.D Agent - “Well, we were thinking about normal stuff—what they eat besides humans, what they like, or just anything that he shows us, even if it is his personal opinion on things. It could still help us.”

“Alright, then when are you going to bring him home?” I asked in case I'll have to leave work early.

D.D.D Agent - “Don't worry, I'll bring him to your home and stay with him while you work.”

“Huh? Wait, what?” I asked, perplexed.

D.D.D Agent - “Yes, this is a protocol measure in which any D.D.D agent has to be there with you to protect you, in case your friend turns aggressive, and also because of the observation matter.”

“So, you'll live with me?” I asked, even more perplexed.

D.D.D Agent - *with happiness in his voice* “Yes!”

“No,” I said quickly.

D.D.D Agent - “What!? But you need someone to protect you.”

“I can do that myself,” I said without hesitation.

D.D.D Agent - “Then what about the observation?”

“I can also do that. Actually, I think Hoon would prefer me over you watching him,” I said. They seemed unable to argue with me any further. I sighed, “Why do you insist so much on living with us?” I asked, confused.

D.D.D Agent - “Well, because I've always found doppelgängers interesting. That was the whole reason why I joined the D.D.D—to be able to see them up close and see how they truly are. Yet, the sad reality is that I'm never sent to deal with them. I only get to briefly see them while I have to do a ton of paperwork.”

I thought about it. I didn't think Hoon would ever attack me, but that wouldn't be the same for all the others who were after Hoon. “Okay, you can stay with me, but you will have to pay me in some way,” I said with a smirk.

D.D.D Agent - *surprised* “Huh?”

“What did you think? That you could live with me and not do anything? Well, nope. If you want to stay, then you will either pay rent or do house chores,” I said, smiling. Even with the mask, I could feel them overthinking their life decisions. “So this is the power that parents feel,” I thought as they began to mutter to themselves.

[chairofchaos]

AO3 Chaos

I invite anyone who is interested to 1) Respond to these questions and 2) TELL ME WHAT YOUR AO3 IS SO I CAN FIND YOU THERE!

Thank you @c-starstuff-man0 for the tag! (I think someone else also tagged me but I could not find it- so thank you to you, as well, whoever you are!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3? I currently have 7 works up on AO3.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 26,150. (That will easily double when I start posting Letters of Love, since LoL is already about 40,000 words. Oops!)

3. What fandoms do you write for? On AO3, currently only ACOTAR and Crescent City (so, SJM Universe stuff)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? (I linked my AO3 at the bottom if you want to go check any of these out!)

The Power of Jewelry (Azris, fluff)

When the Blood Burns (Azris, angst/MCD stuff)

Stormy Night in the Library (Azriel x Reader, fluff)

Death & All That Follows (Azris, definitely angst at this point). This is hilarious because it’s only half done and I’m not sure I like the ending I’ve written, which means it could go happy or sad and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Even In the Dark (Cassian x Reader, hurt/comfort and kind of fluffy) I won’t lie I had to revisit this one to remember what it was lol

5. Do you respond to comments? Yes, and I’m mean about it. Sorry to anyone who has been on the receiving end of a teasing chaos comment. I maybe have too much fun dangling teasers like carrots on a stick...

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Hahahha. Uh. Probably When the Blood Burns. For now, anyways.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? (Do I write happy endings?) Stormy Night in the Library takes my vote for this, though Say It’s True (Mor x Emerie) is also cute and ends happily. I love them. 

8. Do you write smut? Yes. There are some smutty elements to things I have posted. I haven’t written anything specifically for smut though.

9. Do you write crossovers? Nothing that’s posted.

10. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Uh… not on AO3! (But if you want to check out the Gold Star Crack Headcanons @ninthcircleofprythian and I wrote a little bit ago here they are!)

12. What is your all-time favorite ship? Please. Please don’t hate me. I’ve been on a Dramione train for years now. I know it’s controversial. I can’t get them out of my head.

13. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Would it be bad if I said “Letters of Love”? No. I want to finish it so badly. I do. I’m just scared. I’m working on it, I swear. It just feels monstrous at this point. 

In actuality, I think it’s the crossover that I’m working on. It’s a Throne of Glass/ACOTAR/Crescent City monstrosity that would be roughly 400 9x11 pages long, 12 pt font single spaced with formatting. It started as a romance, morphed into a second-gen TOG x ACOTAR throuple adventure and political drama. Now I just don’t know what to do with it because the universe I’ve imagined for this is so insane and I cannot do it justice.

14. What are your writing strengths? I write with my whole heart, and I care about every word. I’ve been practicing for years.

15. What are your writing weaknesses? Mental illness. Procrastination. Writing 10k in 24 hours and then never finishing that work. I overthink everything. Next question. Please.

16. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I love it. However, I much prefer it when it’s canon that the character speaks another language. I feel awkward prescribing languages to characters unless it’s some sort of AU. I read an incredible Azris AU (linked HERE, check the tags please, written by the wonderful @annaskareninas for Azris Week) where Eris is Italian, and it worked beautifully because it was an AU! But if I was writing in universe, I would have a harder time making Eris speak Italian because for all we know they’re speaking Fae Language We Don't Have a Name For and Italian doesn’t exist in the universe. It’s a mental block for me. I don't mind reading it though!

17. First fandom you wrote for? …Harry Potter. It was 2011, okay?! However, the first I ever POSTED was Percy Jackson. Don't ask me where they ended up, it was a long time ago and those secrets were lost to the sea

18. Favorite fic you’ve written? When the Blood Burns. It hurts just right.

Tags (no pressure!): @positivelyruined @annaskareninas @ ANYONE WHO WANTS TO DO THIS! Also, let me know what your AO3 is in replies or reblogs. I need to follow more of you over there <3

My AO3 is keyboard_clacks, or chairofchaos. I post and respond to comments under both pseuds! Find Me Here!

[behindthewox]

Have you ever thought about how your blog might be doing more harm than good? You’re spreading misinformation, and hurting people in the process. It’s impossible to make everyone happy and when you post personal opinions, you’re publishing one persons truth. They might be upset because someone said no about something and then they starts creating rumors because of it. Should you really publish all of that or should you make sure that there are truth behind stuff first? When you let people ask things anonymously the same people can be the one post about the same subject, making it look like it’s coming from several individuals. Have you thought about that? What do you want to get out of this blog?

Oh, I have definitely thought about all the points you bring up. I think about it regularly, not just while going over submissions or writing posts but sometimes also in the middle of the night or while attending lectures or doing grocery shopping. I'm an overthinker, so not thinking about it is not an option.

I've also thought about all the ways this blog (or someone else creating the equivalent) could be extremely damaging, doing nothing but harm. "It could've been worse" does not equate to "good" in any way, shape or form, but it is at least better than "worse".

I know it causes some harm but I've also received a few words of appreciation along the way so there are at least some who find value in it. Whether the good outweighs the bad, I have no idea and can only hope. I'd be super grateful for suggestions on what to do differently and what you'd like to see.

I take responsibility for determining what to post and not. I sometimes ask for a second and third opinion from better informed people. Admittedly it's a slightly biased selection of people but it does help in making a more objective and informed decision. (and sometimes that is still the wrong decision, there's always that risk)

I do not take responsibility for what is expressed in submissions. If they post misinformation, that is on them: I do some moderating but you cannot rely on me to fact-check everything. This is clearly stated in the pinned post that will always be shown on the top of this blog page. If someone provides corrections or counters with different information I am happy to post that too, and I can either hide or add a note to original posts if needed.

There are a lot of risks and zero guarantees with this blog. I've challenged myself to do it anyway, because I find value in it and I know there are others who find value in it as well. And let's be honest, the reason the blog has made it this far is because there is an interest and demand for it: there isn't really anywhere else to voice your concerns and be heard by a wider audience without the fear of repercussion. (unless you count the feedback forum... but there's not much of an audience there)

I guess what I really want to get out of this blog is to pressure other people to make it redundant.

[spoiledleaff]

Why did you disappear for so long?? I feel like you abandoned your blog and friends and stuff for a bit lol Are you okay??

sure. let's talk about this :) i've had a lot of asks lately asking if i was okay during my hiatus//if i'm okay now that i'm trying to make an effort to come back, and, the short answer is no. i'm not.

i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd).

cw :: massive vent + personal, medical talk regarding my mental health and thought process. honestly just a lot of oversharing, because i don't have an outlet for this irl, haha! for all intents + purposes, everything below this line is a trauma-dump. please take care of yourself.

for unnecessary context, haha! i went on a hiatus for about half a year, abandoned this blog, destroyed many old wips and interactions i had with the ghost fandom + distanced myself from the friends i've made on this site through ao3 and/or tumblr with no context or goodbyes. my mental health was, and continues to be, in shambles.

i had a homelessness scare + a series of bad physical health scares that almost led me to a brain cancer diagnosis, so... that was fun, haha. but this is probably the main thing.

borderline personality disorder (bpd) is a mental health condition that mainly affects people through extreme mood swings, unstable relationships, trouble controlling their emotions, + often times self-destructive behavior. one of the main symptoms that most people with bpd suffer is fear/perception of abandonment + a constant feeling of emptiness. in addition to this, i have a deeply ingrained socially anxious mindset + i am neurodivergent.

it runs in my family. and, apparently, its running its course through me as well, haha.

i am exhausted. i find myself stuck in an endless cycle, especially on this site, where i am so incredibly excited to interact with the people i've been fortunately enough to find on this site through my work but i distance myself almost immediately when i worry that i start to get too close to someone.

i am so afraid of being abandoned/left behind, that i would rather abandon someone else and disappear.

as a side effect of my bpd, i mainly struggle with paranoia, disassociation, a short temper, feelings of emptiness + an unreliable self-image.

this, unfortunately, affects my relationships here a lot.

i hate my work. i hate myself. sometimes i even hate my friends and then that always spirals into hating their friends, even if it's people who i know are lovely or i have never even fucking met before. i hate this site + ao3, i hate my fandoms, i hate this blog, and i sometimes find myself hating everyone and everything i've ever known and seen. it's a constant cycle of hatred followed by an emptiness that my work will never be good enough, my friendships will never be good enough, my stories will never be good enough, and i will never be good enough. i rarely find joy in these things anymore.

i find myself so desperate + anxious for a little bit of positive social interaction that i overthink every possible scenario, panic, and then vaguely cut ties before i think the other person will.

i cannot begin to describe to you the constant debate i have with myself about whether or not i should delete this blog, permanently remove everything and anything i've ever written on ao3, before inevitably trying to start anew with maybe another penname, another account.

but i've always liked routine. calling myself some variation of 'leaff' on the internet is a part of that. i don't know what else to call myself—people would know it's me.

i'd really like that. i'd fucking hate it too.

so, i've distanced myself from the fandoms + from the people who interact with my content. i do the bare minimum with friends, and sometimes not even that. i ghost people always, worry about what to say next to the point that i've genuinely convinced myself that i've responded, i do the bare minimum, wash, rinse, repeat.

i post my shit, giggle about this and debate about that, disappear for a bit, before inevitably coming back.

i do enjoy the work that i do, sometimes i'm even proud of it. but it's such an inconsistent whirlwind in my mind that i find myself hating it all just as a default.

if you're someone who has had the misfortune of interacting with me, and you wonder if i hate you. i don't.

i promise. not like that, at least.

i'm not going to therapy for this; i can't afford it. i'm trying to find a way to possibly be medicated for this, but i don't have the greatest insurance. i'm trying to train myself into a nicer, more positive mindset; it's hard.

but i'm trying. i'm still very uneducated about this. i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i might be aroace. i think it's why my writing is getting worse, or, at least, why i've been so distraught and unhappy with it. i think this might tie into why i'm so afraid to post anything other than porn; i think it might also be why i'm starting to hate writing it.

i think i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i'm simply unhappy with life, haha.

i didn't mean for this to become such a huge ramble — i think that's why i'm answering this at such an unpopular//late time, haha! — but i've had a surprising amount of asks in my inbox asking about me.

it's weird. i'm not really used to that. i think that's part of the reason why it took me so long.

regardless, this is why i disappeared. this is why i've been distant, this is why i ghosted you, and this is what will probably happen again in the near future. at least it's consistent, i guess.

thank you for your concern. if you made it this far, damn. i wish i had your attention span sometimes, haha. also i'm sorry for never answering your messages or for never reaching out in the first place. it's very easy to convince myself that you don't want me to, that i might be a trophy friend, that what we had was never real.

i'm sorry that after all this time this is how you might be hearing about it.

thank you for being patient with me.

i'm sorry you have to be so patient to begin with.

i think that's all i have to say :) it's a new road for me, and it's one that i don't want to travel. but i have to. i think it might help me in the long run if i do this all now.

so... yeah! :) haha, a bit of leafy lore, if you will. just, maybe not the fun kind, haha!