#fucking terrible. and it’s emotional coming up on the anniversaries like im going to be such a wreck next wednesday lol and like the entire

[pepprs]

today is the last day of one of the hardest and heaviest years of my life (i.e. my first year in this job) and also the last day of me being contractual / contingent (i.e. not a permanent employee which has been fine but also fucked me up just in the wording of it). i don’t think the horrors will relent just yet but i hope so sincerely that they ease soon and that this next year will be kinder and less turbulent and that i will be stronger for what i experienced this year

[dullahandyke]

yippee yippee yippee yippee eimear con haul!!!!

Hi. It was my birthday recently and I'm bad to shop for so instead of gifts I got money to spend at Kaizokucon. So here's a haul. Under the cut bcos I couldnt fit it nicely in one picture and I wanna ramble

ok we're gonna take it one picture at a time ^_^ the ID in the alt text explains what everything is if u just wanna see what i got without the rambling sure to come with it. links in rambling r to the artists of the fan stuff where i can find em ^_^ only one of them is a direct link to the product tho bcos some ppls shops r down and some ppl dont have all their stuff online. lemons_arent_green youre a real one

Ok the flat stuff!!! black rock shooter poster bcos i already have a figure but i liek her... badass anime girl ily.... was so so sure i saw a reigen keychain but when i went to go get one there weren't any so i got this sticker sheet instead :3 SPEAKING OF KEYCHAINS!!! yippee yippee kaguya i love you youre my special little tiempsy. yue you are a gay anime boy with a cool design. tomoyo ive always felt a kinship with you and its because im a desperate dyke. monokuma is here ig 🙄 i put him on my carabiner and hes fun to stim with. i am not immune to the sdr2 fanboying. also full disclosure ive not watched naruto (its in the spreadsheet) i just thought funko pop sasuke keychain was really really funny. my son who stares into my soul. comparatively i dont have as much to say on the badges!! luka luka fever for real girlie ily. the bandori ones were blind bags and i got himari on my first try <3<3<3<3<3<3 sorry eve i kind of dont care. 🙁 the dr girlies i kinda picked at random based on who i've been vibing w lately.

THE POKEMON DIORAMA!!!! its soooo cool, staff were setting up the trade hall so i was in there all day friday and this shop was one of the first to set up their stands and i was literally staring at it all day... so fucking awesome. the rings n the necklace r from the same shop look at them... im fucking obsessed w the catgirl necklace. literally look at her. i dont thiiink shes supposed to be a specific character but she might be. oh well. cat girl ily. aaaand the arisa stand is actually a little clip for papers n stuff!! she was also a blind box but specifically for popipa so i was gonna b happy w whoever <3

MIIIIKUUUUUU MY PRINCESS MY EVERYTHING!!!!! she was calling to me she beckoned..... shes actually rlly big irl shes the biggest figure i have, replacing my kokoro one... shes the one where i audibly said 'it was my birthday i can buy things' bcos figures spencey... she wasnt too bad actually i just like bitching. 6 euro axel for scale

BOOKS 💥💥💥 i was reading nana a while back and i dropped it but i gotta pick it up again... rlly pretty and awesome... aaaand the summer hikaru died!!! kay if youre seeing this then know you posting abt it convinced me <3 i originally got it bcos i was on door duty in a quiet area and didnt wanna spend my time draining battery life on my phone but after i bought it i realised that that was literally a terrible idea so <3 we'll get around to them soon

FINALLLYYYYYY TSHIRTS!!! the top yellow one was my staff t-shirt, it has 'staff' on the back i was wearing it all weekend and yippee i love it.... emotional bond.... and if this is a safe space can i just say. if kaito was a woman? would. next up FAYE FUCKIN VALENTINEEEE!!! do u remember that post i made going thru all the sellers that were gonna b at the con that started like 'i hate shounen fans. name a woman'? well this is the seller i was talking about but all was forgiven in the name of FAYE ! GODDAMN ! VALENTINE ! ugh i love you girlie. and the last t-shirt was given out free to staff after the closing ceremony!! it was the tenth anniversary of kaizokucon so we got this awesomes design yay.... wore it to classes today hoping somebody would comment on it and nobody did 😌and in the middle i got CLOW CARRRDS BITCHES!!!!!! i saw them and immediately all thought left my fucking brain. i needed them. so important. the seller also recognised the axel in my fanny pack yippee!!!! a few people recognised him over the weekend actually and i was always like yes!! the him

anyway. yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! yippee! con con con con con :)

[msrandonstuff]

Can't concentrate because idk why but right now I feel VERY enthusiastic about helluva boss. So i decided to yeah, come here to maybe bother you in your askbox so I can get it all out.

But like.

Stolitz. The main ship.

You could say that Blitzø and Stolas are the two main characters and you wouldn't be quite wrong. Those two losers are the ones that have most of the fandom emotionally attached because. Because. Just. Imps, in the show, are hell's lowest class. Them there are the Sinners (people who died and now are in hell), then there are the Overlords (powerful Sinners because they either did something terribly bad on earth or I think some of them were born in hell?), then the nobility, like princes, dukes of hell. And then Lucifer who is the king. Ok so.

Blitzø is an imp. Hell's lowest. Stolas is a prince. Hell's nobility. They both met as kids because the day of his tenth birthday, Stolas' father told him about his arranged marriage, Stolas was sad and so his father "bought" Blitzø for an afternoon. Blitzø's father told him to steal anything valuable from Stolas' house because nobility. So Blitzø tricks Stolas into helping home steal. And they both enjoy themselves while doing it. When it's all done, Blitzø could have left, but he didn't because he had a good time.

It seems that from that moment, Stolas had some sort of crush on Blitzø.

Then, years later, Blitzø wants to make his own business: killing people that haven't died yet, being hired by hell's Sinners. But in order to go to Earth, he needs a portal, a spell. And, one of the places where he can find something to go to Earth is in a book Stolas owns.

So. Blitzø happens to decide to steal the book the same day of Stolas'wedding anniversary. His wife (who doesn't love him, and apparently is abusive towards him) is laughing at him, ridicules him in from of the guests. So Stolas drinks fucking absinthe, and while he's drinking, the guards bring Blitzø to him because he tried to break in.

Strong alcohol leads to bad decisions so somehow they end up in Stolas' room, Stolas flirting with Blitzø and Blitzø playing along because he wants the book that desperately. And kaboom they end up fucking. Next morning Blitzø leaves with the book, fucking crashes Stolas'wife with cake and so she knows of the infidelity.

So. After some time, Stolas'proposes that Blitzø can stay with the book on the condition that once a month he fucks him. But it's like nonsense because in the same book there's a spell that can grant free access to Earth without the necessity of the book so Stolas could have easily made that. But he didn't because apparently he enjoyed himself too much with Blitzø.

Their emotions to one another are a MESS. Specially considering both have daddy issues. Stolas sees Blitzø as an equal, but hell's social system is stuck into his head no matter how hard he tries. And Blitzø has severe inferiority complex, thinking of Stolas as very, very above him socially. And also, all previous romantic relationships Blitzø had were apparently a failure so he craves love but fears attachment.

So yeah. It's all a MESS. But it's a mess worth watching.

thank you for listening to my ted talk.

I have no idea of what that is, but trust be im loving to read all this my dearest

first i loved this universe???? ngl this whole thing rlly caught my attention wdym the nobility of hell??

omg them meeting each other #couplegoals

ngl you've basically converted me into wanting to watch it in the winter break from school like wtf it is just so good??? you've got me hooked up on this and i loved it

loved the ted talk btw. if ya ever need know that my inbox is always open :)

[eyewussjack]

the fluffiest hcs you got in stock. suffocate us. or else no more toby.

So it's either commit murder or lose my rights to a fictional character

...

Yall ready to get die?

Toby

Starting off with the king of cuddles

don't mind the tics. if you do, get the fuck out

You can squeeze this bad boy as much as you want, he can take it

He loves to sing, but won't admit it. so expect soft hums of "careless whisper" and attempted hushed singing of "death of a batchelor"

He will always be the big spoon

he doesn't care if someone's 12 times bigger than him or 12 times smaller than him, he will be the big spoon and there's nothing you can do about it

He's like a puppy, in a lot of ways

whines for attention

constantly at your side

always begging for a bite of food

loyal to the end

barks at literally nothing

overly protective

will attempt to crush you with his entire bodyweight

slobbers all over your face when covering you in kisses

can and will kill someone

Just before you wake up he will ask Eyeless to make breakfast then bring it up to you and say he made it

Seriously, play with his hair

He loves chillin in bed with a nice few piles of comics, some chill beats, and a bunch of fluffy things

My personal lil Tobster is asexual, but extremely romantic and emotional so that's why he's such a puppy

Eyeless

he is incapable of admitting he cares, because he doesn't wanna get attached and then get hurt again

Beautiful beast think he ugly

once, he spent an entire night in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror and insulting himself while crying a goddamn ocean

it's okay, BEN found him and bought him an ice cream after a few more hours of intense crying and much support

If you're having a hard time falling asleep, he will gladly do anything from knocking you unconscious to making dumb faces just to help you out

He enjoys a soft, teasing brush of the lips before he starts ravaging your mouth like it's the end of the damn world

He. loves. bathbombs.

the glittery ones especially

He owns a bunch of pastel sweatshirts and hoodies because Toby and Jane keep getting them for him every gift-giving holiday. Christmas, Easter, his birthday, anniversaries...

He has a sweet spot for anyone who puts on his clothing

and anyone who knows how to make terrible jokes

He will protect the heck out of everyone he loves

"Yeah, sex is great, but have you ever met Toby?"

He loves snuggling, but refuses to do it. unless he's in a really good mood or really needs it.

BEN

he loves it when others play video games with him. makes him feel wanted.

He tries to be a big spoon but he knows his place

He's a chill, "woah what" kinda stoner

but he's trying to cut back on the weed

He really loves brownies. not modified brownies. just straight up brownies.

Strong Taylor Swift stan

Every time he brings home someone new, he always thinks that they're "the one". then, the next morning, he throws them out as soon as possible, realizing that there was never a connection.

He slowly melts over long, sensual kisses. the ones where you just feel the others lips gliding against your own.

Two ferrets. Brown one named Princess Mini Mints (aka Minty, Princess, or Mini Bini), and a grey one named Navi (aka Don't fucking eat that).

On rainy days, he and Eyeless like to sit by the large, floor to ceiling window in the library, sipping hot cocoa/coffee n just... doin whatever. from smoking to making up some sick lyrics for Toby to try out

Jeff

he really likes going for casual midnight strolls. no particular intentions in mind, he just wants some fresh air and to not have blood stain his hands with its ickiness for one night.

His ideal date is going to see the musical Legally Blonde.

he would have you watch the movie, but that's only because of Reese Witherspoon.

He's a fuck up and he knows it, but everyone still loves him.

it'd be pretty hypocritical if they didn't.

He absolutely loves chewing gum and blowing bubbles. he loves it even more when someone comes up and pops it.

He never kisses back. if he does, it was only because he let his guard down, and he will feel extremely embarrassed about it.

His absolute favorite person is Slenderman. Slender is his new dad.

Smile and him can detect each other's feelings and thoughts from miles away. Jeff is sad and needs a cuddle buddy? Smile's there. Smile somehow escaped the house under everyone's radar and got stuck outside in the rain? Jeff's got the door.

and the ability to whine until Slender gives in and installs a doggy door.

He's always, always fighting back the need to apologize every single time he sees Liu or Jane. he's afraid they won't forgive him. but, in all honesty, he doesn't blame em.

Jane

she loves snuggling up with her girls and a nice cup of hot tea, laying in a pile of soft, fluffy pillows, and binge watching Riverdale or Supernatural

She adores oversized t-shirts

and Toby.

Toby is her son and she will do anything to protect him. all because the first day she arrived, she told him what happened between her and Jeff, and he kicked Jeff in the crotch.

She loves doing makeup challenges with Nina. Jeff is their resource.

mygoddoesshehaverosesleevetattoos

Long, passionate kisses followed by a bunch of duckling kisses please

EJ and her did a matching costume thing one halloween. She was an angel, he was a demon. he bought her a pair of angel wings and everything.

Toby was their adopted werewolf son.

"why can't friends adopt a 19yo psycho kid together?"

Nina

she has a goldfish named Basically.

They let her plant a lemon tree in the backyard and yeah she's a tree mother of three now. lemon, orange, and cherry (apple died :[ )

She really wants to get into photography

Her favourite thing to bake is banana bread

no-one but her, Toby, Laughing Jack and Brian will eat it. it's usually gone before anyone can get a piece since they're such suckers.

Cigarette daydreams and im closing my eyes are her favourite songs to blow smoke with BEN to

Quick pecks on the face and neck have her giggled

Loving someone is easy. falling in love with someone is not.

She sleeps in a hanging canopy bed in the corner of the room.

She doesn't have a real light. instead, she has a black light.

Around several posters. five anime ones, one OFF, and a Fairly Odd Parents one she picked up for free at a garage sale.

All I have for tonight. Maybe comeback in the morning when it's not 4am

[asianjeremyheere]

happy one month anniversary to the bmc obcr!!! to celebrate, im gonna put my track-by-track commentary under the cut and split into two parts (act 2 here) because god it got so long and i am. very sorry. read at ur own risk. and it really is just rambling commentary because i had a gdoc out and the whole soundtrack playing, alternating obcr and ocr tracks SO! tada! act 1!

JEREMY'S THEME

Okay the orchestrations are great on both BUT I do prefer how much more sudden the end is on the ocr? Obcr Jeremy's theme kind of has that echoey quality at the end and I'm pretty sure it's just a recording thing but. Recording-wise I do kind of prefer the ocr. That said, I don't listen to Jeremy's theme THAT much.

MORE THAN SURVIVE

90% of this is going to be me preferring the obcr and this is no exception BUT I do like the ocr tempo a little more? It's faster and feels like it captures the whole day-at-school rush a little better, which works in most of the song except during the "Christiiiiine" portions because those are absolutely KILLER when they're a little slower. They sound more romantic, in a way?? Like it goes from Jeremy seeing her, a girl whom he likes and wants to point out to Michawl, to Jeremy seeing her and being totally enraptured/distracted by her, hence the slower/more drawn out Christiiiiine's working in its favor. Also would have like Michael's verse to be faster? I've always imagined him to be, like. A fast talker. I don't really care about how much George changed his voice for it, I just wish it was faster. But overall, I like it better on the obcr because Will R is waaay more emotive and I'm in love with his falsetto and his runs.

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL

I know I said I was terrible at recognizing tempo but ILPR feels so fast on the ocr??? Anyway I like the obcr version better and Stephanie is adorable in both but MORE so in the obcr. Her inflections have so much more character and she paints a much clearer picture of Christine as a whole just in that one song. ALSO the added dialogue!!!! Love that. It's also got a less consistent tempo (I think????) which works for a song like this and a character like Christine

MORE THAN SURVIVE REPRISE

This isnt on the ocr but it was in the original show and I got it stuck in my head all the fucking time so I'm just glad it got recorded!! I don't have a Two River audio on hand rn but I like the bway version better anyway because Will R is, again, more emotive and I think it works better with this specific iteration of Jeremy anyways? Like. His whole character is sadder so this song fits a little better.

THE SQUIP SONG

Ngl I can't really tell the difference between the two but Gerard's voice has only had time to improve (I hope? He seems to do a lot of stuff when he's not doing a show and I wonder if he's like. Taking care of his voice. I hope so?) and I love the new glitchy stuff at the end. But like rip the "picture this" verse :( I think I just. Like them both pretty equally??

TWO PLAYER GAME

Obcr babey!!! I like the way a bunch of the instruments cut out and it's just the 8-bit stuff right at the start? That's fun as fuck. Also Will R's "ah! gah!" noises are 💜💙💜❤💖💙🧡💙. The orchestrations in the obcr are also just. God tier. And the tech-y fade out sound at the end is one of my favorite things. Also George's voice is the same pitch but he sounds younger in the obcr and that's not good or bad because he still sounds convincing enough to be a high school either way.

THE SQUIP ENTERS

Okay I like the obcr for this better too just because there's more in it. It isn't just Jeremy screaming for a minute and a half, they also added the dialogue which makes it better. I don't actually really like this song as much on the ocr just because I did. Not enjoy listening to a song that was basically just screaming? It's too loud and I was always worried about people hearing it through my headphones skdjks. The obcr version isn't much better screaming-wise but I can't just straight up skip it anymore because there's stuff at the end. Plus they have a bigger budget for effects and the transition from the startup-Squip voice to Jason Tam's voice where they're doubled up? God. I love him.

BE MORE CHILL, PT. 1

Obcr wins this just for the 'outdated' riff alone. Also, Jeremy sounds more intimidated/impressionable?? WPC Jeremy doesn't sound scared of the Squip/sounds borderline rebellious right off the bat, which is weird considering EWM is allegedly the 'more evil one' 🤔🤔🤔🤔. Plus I think the obcr has more harmonies and Will R's comedic timing during the Squip Tango is spot-on. AND KATLYN!! Yeah. Love her. She's so much more intense in the obcr and it works for Chloe??? She just sounds more passive in the ocr. That said, Jason should have sung more because his voice…… pwetty

DO YOU WANNA RIDE

The obcr ending has my heart…. the pinkberry riff….. the giggle and "au revoir"........ I am in love with Brooke Lohst. I don't really mind that it's slower either? But I can't hear the trombone shot notes as well on the obcr and that makes me sad :( Charlie Rosen ur orchestrations are gold but dont drown out the trombone that was my favorite part of ocr dywr!!!!!

BE MORE CHILL, PT. 2

Jason Tam's Squip voice is good you guys are just mean and don't understand nuance!!!!!!! I love the obcr version of this because a) Jason!!!!!! b) Will!!!!!!!! and c) Tiffany's high note at the end!!!!!!!!! Also the gong!!!!!

For real though? Will R. is much more expressive in the repeat-after-me section and Jason Tam's cooler, more laid-back tone works. I'm more inclined to trust that he can actually help me because he sounds more guiding than demanding and I, personally, don't respond well to people exercising their authority over me! I do much better when things are phrased like "I'm going to help you! Here are some suggestions. Do them. Look, it's working!" vs "Do what I say, it's the only way you'll succeed" and to have the Squip start out sounding more like the former before getting more outwardly controlling works better and makes more sense imo!

MORE THAN SURVIVE REPRISE/SYNC UP

Okay I can't really compare these two because they're totally different songs at this point but I love Sync Up and I can compare that end portion because it's the same! 'Head to play rehearsal' > 'drama practice' because it's not a huge difference but he's parroting Christine's terminology and it shows that he's listening to her, which Mr. Will Roland himself said was a huge part of Jeremy's journey! (Learning to listen.) Also, Will R just sounds more eager and excited to actually be included? Will C just sounds like he's relieved that he's not being shoved around. Will R!Jeremy sounds more excited in general, even at the beginning before he gets shocked. And then his “ghughgh” noise. Mood, Will. The Squip at this part is kind of. Hmm. I don’t really like it in the recorder version ngl but I know Jason talked about like. Struggling a little more to get into the Squip mindset during the recording process because the costumes are so integral to his characterization and he didn’t have said costumes for the obcr recording so I’ll give him a pass. It doesn’t faze me as much in audios so??? Jason Tam u get a pass.

A GUY THAT I'D KINDA BE INTO

The obcr recorders make me ❤💗💖💕💖💕💙💘🧡💘🧡❤💕❤💕💙💜💖❤!!!! Also I prefer the new ending where she goes "Who kneeeeeeeeeew?" and how surprised/thrilled Will R!Jeremy sounds when he says "Is she talking about me?" but like…. Jason Tam, I will defend your Squip voice to my dying day but why did you have to say "pheromones" like that. Okay also I'm listening to each song's versions back-to-back and the tempo changes keep throwing me off. But I do appreciate the lack of clapping in the ocr.

THE SQUIP LURKS/THE SQUIP STALKS

Obcr wins because its an instrumental and I love the bway instrumental. Also, it's longer and spookier. Thank you, Charlie Rosen. You deserved a Tony nom for this shit.

UPGRADE

I'm gonna say right off the bat that I love obcr Upgrade so much because of the additional depth given to Brooke and Jake, and I love the new ending because like woah chills. That's all. It's not a disclaimer or anything, I just love it. Also, Stephanie's "oh wow"? Cute as fuck!!! Britton's voice??? God tier!!!!!! Brooke's french at the start and the way Lauren's voice breaks on "I just want someone to see me first"??? God!!!!!!!! Tiffany coming in by herself before everyone else joins in during that layered section??? I am deceased. I love trying to pick out every individual person's voice in that section. Usually Gerard, Lauren, and Will are easiest for me to pinpoint? Idk. Ocr Upgrade still fucking slaps though. Steph's "oh wow" is a little more underwhelming but I'm like. In love with the tempo right before the "Christiiiine"s? Also uhhh wish they'd included Jeremy and Michael's conversation somewhere in the obcr.

LOSER GEEK WHATEVER

I love LGW and I'll stand by this forever. I'm gonna compare this to the end of ocr Upgrade because that's technically where it goes and I think it does a better job of showing Jeremy's motivations and his worries about taking the Squip! Also it makes sense story-wise that he would take time to slow it down and think/process considering he just…. asked the Squip for time to process….. but like the original ending is still a bop and it's super good for like. Hyping urself up. I just think LGW does better for Jeremy's character and it's a good song!!! It sums up a lot of what I feel/the ways I relate to Jeremy, too, so it's. Emotional hearing it in audios skdjsj but not as much with the recording anymore!!

[toomuchbroadwayquotes]

Because is friends #25th anniversary:

I'll do a 2019 AU, on how the show would go if it was scripted nowdays.

Rachel would be dropping off medical school instead of a wedding. " No, dad you can't keep paying for me to pass a class, i dont want to cut people open, i want to cut silk!, i dont want you to buy me silk dad ITS A METAPHORE".

She would be a digital influencer, and have a fashion blog. Would be "instafamous" in no time, but would have a hard time balancing her career and her fashion course at Uni (she gets a scholarship). And even tough she is is recognized, she only gets collabs and free samples, not actual money (to live off that), so she would still have to live with Monica, and work part time at the central perk. Ends up having a Family yt channel after Emma is born, she meets a cute Poc guy ( a model) that marries her and love Emma as if she is his own child. Ross is out of the picture once she realizes that their Toxic relationship isnt worth the work.

GRoss would be cancelled by season 02 because the fandom despite his annoying Ass. He would be a secundary character showing up randomly, only to be ridiculized and pay the price of his actions ( he is kinda like Janice would be on the original)

Susan and Carol the other way around, come back as part of the protagonists on s2, they tie the "women alliance" on the show together, and they have their own arc on the show, focusing on being a Young lesbian couple raising a little boy. Everytime Rachel have a fight with Ross, they support her, they have a blended family relationship since Rachel is their child's "stepmom" for a while, they get along pretty fine which makes GRoss pissed. (Can you imagine " Oh, no, im the stepmom, they are the moms" ). After Emma is born, they help Rach cope with this new part of her life.

(Lesbian represtation of a healthy happy family?yes please).

Monica works at a foodtruck at first, then que starts bloggin about her cooking methods and end up working for Tasty, the fans love her and she gets her own segments. She publishes cookboks, work at celebrities parties... She is Anxious Millenial™️ and goes trough the "i need therapy" arc, she tries doing yoga, meditation,and any other alternative for being in peace that phoebes comes out with, but at the of the day she goes home and just plays the most violent games she can find, she is really good at them btw. Also, hers and Chandle's journey trough infertility have way more screentime and they get to show their parenting skills and adorable funny moments with the twins.

Joey is bi and there is that. He is not out since the beggining so we follow his progress into accepting his own sexuality, and embracing sensitive side. Specially as a young actor is super hard for him, since he is afraid of falling on stereotypes, but the worst fear he has is losing Chandlers respect ( cue emotional scene when he finally opens up to Chandler, that ruin everything making a terrible joke, but then says the right thing ♡) dates a lot, but also have a couple of good relationships (because he is Soft and deserves better).

He goes viral after making a total mess of an interview and spilling Major top secret content of a project, and becomes the white boy of the year.

Chandler is Just Chandler, nothing says millenial better than sarcasm, loyalty to your friends, falling for someone you know for ever, mas having terrible unhealthy habits, oh, and having a fucking weird job no one understands.

First:add poc and minorities in general, EVERYWHERE.

Phoebes is also pretty much the same: speaks irony fluently, passionate vegan, boho style. Is addicted with making everyone's astral map.

Caries those cristals with healing powers but would puch a woman in the face if she hears antivaxx bullshit. Feminist, activist, anarquist.Makes fun of her own dark and depressive lifestory. Thinks she can make it as a Singer,but end up becoming a stand up comedian telling her streetlife stories that are so absurd, that no one takes it seriously.

[landuselover]

THE FINAL ACT- My Married Boyfriend Got his Girlfriend Pregnant - Part I’m finally Done

I was moving pass the pain of falling back in love with this man and then breaking up with him during the most stressful time of the year for me my Birthday. But honestly it was better than waking up daying him and not understanding why he hasn’t reached out to me which was really a majority of the year we were hot and heavy together.

I just kept thinking why he had to say I love you to me, why did he have to act like I was so expendable for 7 days, Why the fuck did he feel like it was okay to play me for so long till I found out he was fucking married. Shit why did it even matter I was choosing myself and you know I had  Great birthday with very good friends of mine.  

Then 9/9 came along just a somewhat spiritual day you know the same numbers bullshit just about 7:00 pm I get text message on my phone. I miss you, im so confused, Tell jimmy I say Hi, I got zapped last week and had heat stroke and passed out at work. So sorry I hurt you.

WHAT the FUCK is this BULL SHIT. I told myself are you fucking Kidding me!!! I SWEAR TO GOD HOW DID THIS MOTHER FUCKING NOT UNDERSTAND he is on a daily breaking my heart so why the fuck would I let him back and you know what I am gonna tell him what is going. I call him right now.

He didn’t answer. I message back, see you can text but you can never talk Typical. Well I got a call right back and an answer I have no idea to expect.

Shannon, I did everything you asked of me, No I don’t have a divorce date with my wife, cuz that is fucking realistic. I told you fucking loved you cuz I do, I don’t know how to make you happy, I could of gone home and seen my kids sooner.l could of gone home and see my kids sooner and I came and saw you and then you fucking dump me Ya im freaking pissed. Because I don’t understand how this happened. And you know im fucking tired so I don’t know what you tell you. Soo Good Night Shannon!

It was the quickest 2 minute phone call that I had ever experience and it was the first time I have ever experience someone caring so much to yell at me to get me back.. Wow as I write that I can smell that abuse in my past. But it was true it felt me like holy fucking shit I have broken up with this guy multiple times with multiple ultimatums but everything he came back and this time is screamed his love at me.

I texted him I understood where he was coming form and that I am sorry he felt that I didn’t appreciate his commitment to coming to see me. I told him I hope he got some food and started to feel better. And that we will talk soon. He said he was leaving for Hawaii Sunday. I told him I would talked to him then.

Of course we texted but he didn’t call me till Monday when was officially locked in his room awaiting quarantine. I asked him how he was doing. How he was feeling and he asked what changed.

I said I made my decision in a tunnel and I saw you side of the situation What I was asking for didn’t make any since. I knew you didn’t pick a date that you were gonna file for divorce. I Was a child of divroce I understand a lot of things happened before that. And a few months back he had told me that he was well on the way and that they had talked about it. So I said it out loud and asked him to confirm and repeat me, Patrick, you are going to divorce your wife next year.

Yes Shannon I want to.

No Patrick want isn’t what I said. Im in this for you not to be the other woman,

Shannon, I am going to divorce my wife next year.

Well Shit, I guess we can talk as long as that is truly the case.

He stood and started dancing. He was smiling so big.

So we are back together? Yea, Well I Love you.

I love you too, I said. Ugh I can’t believe this. He showed himself in the mirror dancing all over the room, He was stuck in his room for the next 7 days. I was so excited to be able to talk this through with im for a bit. It was mid September, and he was gonna be back in La around beginning of November so I could probably see him then, We talked about that too.

I got off the phone and still felt really werid and talking to him again. TYPING THIS IM GETTING A PIT IN MY STOMACH . I was excited to have someone to talk to but I still couldn’t get all the thoughts from before out of my head when he wasn’t talking to me. When I found out he was on an anniversary trip while he was gone. Getting his cake and eating it too.

The next two days were like normal he even sent me the cutest photo of smoking out of the gift I got him. The Puffco peak, he was shirtless it was absolutely amazing. It made me feel more at home with talking to him and then he went silent again.

It was like I expected it but he was actually locked up in a hotel room in Hawaii before shooting some terrible MTV reality tv shows where they all get to fuck each other during this crazy COVID ness. But I thought I should give him some space.  

Finally I called me Sunday and he answered. Ohh Shit, He was out of his room and working, Call you later babe. Alright call you soon. It was excalty a month after he has seen me before and a year after he left me in LA ohh shit.what memories that brought up.

I didn’t hear from him till a few days later. I honestly had given up thinking of reason. It was a Monday.

Good New Bad news, Im gonna be a dad a again

WOW.

I know you didn’t want to hear this, I am so sorry Shannon, I never want to lie to you and I just found out and I couldn’t keep it from You,

Well I am glad you didn’t keep it form me, But Patrick, I am done, I can’t do this anymore,

I wish I was you.

I am heartbroken,

please don’t hate me

I can’t hate you but what I am just susposed to say my married boyfriend got his wife pregnant no big deal.

No, it isn’t okay, IM so sorry.

I blocked him two days later and realized so much that I said before I was a lie, I did fucking hate him, because all he did was lie to me, If he got his wife pregnant that everything he every said to me was a lie, You aren’t gonna get divorce next year, you aren’t going to ever sleep next to me for more two nights in a row. You will never say I love you to my face again.

I couldn’t decide what type of fish he was, if he was a selfish, Careless or reckless. I was so thankful, I couldn’t. It exactly two months after he came and saw me and I blocked his and his wives Instagram from all mine. She just announced her pregnancy. She has been pregnant since the beginning of July, You know what that means that is before he even emailed me about how he couldn’t stop thinking about me and needed me in his life, before he even came and saw me in Colorado for our romantic vacation. What the Fuck, did he know before how couldn’t he, the whole situation is the most fucked and im so glad to be out of it. But as I write this my throat get dry and started to hurt, my eyes well with tears. Because I really loved him, A lot I’ved never been more vulnerable with someone, I’ve never had a man say I love you first or even really I love you as freely as he did to me, Maybe that was the reckless part, I’ve never had a man tell me how beautiful I was and talked to me every day for a year caring or myself that was the carless part.

The Selfish part was both of us. It was me forgetting everything I stand for after I heard a few sweet nothing and a whole lot of lies, He was him bring me along for a ride he knew he was going to jump off at the most convenient time for him. He told me I at least give him that. But fuck he sure didn’t tell me the rest of the lies.

The pit has moved to my heart and I guess I gotta say goodbye finally to the man who became y muse, when you broke me I built up a creative way to let out those emotions, it made me feel confident to write again. As tears fall down my face im thanful for your kind words during a time when I needed them and sometimes you kind hands even thought there was nothing but lies allowing them their. I am ungrateful for the distrust you have given me in Men in General, when someone is texting you from a happy marriage or from the road, it makes you not believe anything you see, read or hear. Everyone has secrets and honestly im glad to air mine out finally. I was dooped and stay wayyyyyyyyy too long and wrote a few too many peoms about a man who did just that, Jump off the roller coaster or couldn’t pull out to save his god damn life, I guess everyone loves a cream pie, Well I am learning to make the best pies this side of the Mississippi and PATRICK Aint ever gonna get this pie again 

[noonachronicles]

Don’t Be Yourself

Im Jaebum / JB X Reader

A part of the angst/fluff request prompts

Jaebum looked at himself in the bathroom mirror one more time. He hated ties, they made him feel like he was suffocating. He didn’t mind suits or dressing nicely. It was very specifically ties that drove him nuts. She, however, had told him too many times that when he wore ties it drove her nuts as well. Except it drove her nuts in a way that made the torture of the necktie worth it to him for the evening.

He slicked the hair back on the sides of his head and made sure that his pouf was pristine before calling down the hall. “Yah! Youngjae…Jackson.”

The other two young men were at his side in a second cooing over their hyung enthusiastically. “Ohhh Jaebum hyung, you look so good!”

“This is stupid,” he mumbled, “I look ridiculous. What a stupid idea.”

“No! No, Jackson is right.” Youngjae smiled happily adjusting JB’s tie. “You look amazing, she’s going to be blown away by this whole evening.”

“I fucking hope so.” JB sighed and left the bathroom. Down the hall in the kitchen he grabbed his wallet and keys off the counter and shoved them unceremoniously into his back pocket.

“Just…remember what we talked about.” Jackson said cautiously, seeing how agitated JB already was. “Light on the language, don’t make fun of her like you usually do, you know just…”

“Don’t be yourself.” Youngjae finished with a crooked smile. “Just for tonight. Make it special for her.”

JB sighed deeply once more knowing that his friends were honestly just trying to help him like he’d asked them to when he planned this evening. “Alright, I have to go now or I’ll be late. I -uh- I promise not to be myself.”

The drive to her apartment made JB even more anxious than he had been before. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. They’d been together for five years already. He knew she loved him, she knew he loved her. Jackson and Youngjae were right though, she’d put up with him for so long, she deserved this one night to be special. There was just a running tornado of confusion in his head as he tried to keep straight all the things he wasn’t supposed to do and all of the things he was.

1.Don’t be too overtly sexual when you touch, even though she’s been driving you into sexual insanity since the day the two of you met.

2.Do be a gentleman by holding doors, holding her hand, pulling out her seat.

3.Don’t be so quick witted. Tame your sharp tongue.

4.Do tell her how beautiful she is and remind her how much you love her.  

5.Don’t be scared of your emotions.

6.Do let her know exactly how she makes you feel.

He licked his lips so much they were starting to chap but he did it anyway, one more time before knocking on her door. When she opened the door she took his breath away. He always thought she was beautiful but the way she looked in front of him in that moment was overwhelming. He thought maybe his heart had stopped as he stared. Her green dress accentuating her breasts and her hips. He already wanted to break Jackson’s rule number one, his hands belonged on her.

“Y/N…you look,” he paused to swallow the lump in his throat,  “just stunning.”

“Ew,” she said giving him a stink face, “Bummie, stunning? Don’t be so soft. I was trying to be sexy for you.”

He laughed, relieved that even if he had to be polite tonight that she would keep the mood more natural. “You are both.”

“You’re being weird…” she said grabbing her jacket and purse, “but, whatever, feed me.”

“Yes, beautiful, of course.” he said ushering her forward.

The ride to the restaurant was more lively. She told him, using very colorful language, how much she disliked her boss and how he almost ruined the whole evening by keeping her late but she was not having it. He grinned as he watched the road in front of him loving how passionately she talked about pretty much everything, including her obnoxiously loud neighbor. He almost canceled the whole evening as she went on discuss her plans to move once her lease was up and how she hoped after dinner they could go back and have very loud sex.

At the dinner table the mood was different. He no longer had driving as an excuse to keep from talking. She eyed him suspiciously as he requested the most expensive bottle of wine they offered and then ordered her meal for her, which was unusual for him. She only responded with short answers to his polite line of questioning and squirmed in her seat from the uncomfortable energy between them.

“Have I ever seen you in that dress before?” he asked casually.

“Probably, why?”

“You just look so beautiful. I can’t believe I could have forgotten you in it.” he shrugged.

“Don’t you think I would look better out of it?” she asked playfully.

JB bit his lip. He wanted nothing more than to say the dirty things she was hoping to pry from him, but he could hear Jackson in the back of his head telling him not to take the bait, to make tonight special. “You could be wearing a trashbag and I would think you were stunning.”

She scoffed at his response but ultimately stopped trying to tempt him. They ate dinner peacefully. JB couldn’t recognize how uncomfortable it actually was because he had been so distracted by his own discomfort.

Finally back in the car she spoke up about how weird he was being, “Where is my boyfriend?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” he said confused.

“First of all, you’re wearing a tie. You haven’t made a single comment about how good my boobs look. You didn’t say anything about what a gossipy bitch I was being earlier. You took me to dinner at the nicest restaurant in the entire city and it’s not even our anniversary. You held my hand during desert and you hate PDA. Clearly you’re some sort of body snatcher.”

“Wow, really? Body snatcher? So you think it’s impossible for me to be… what? Respectful and kind to you?” JB asked incredulously, “I mean if that’s how you really feel about me why have you stayed so long?”

“I didn’t mean that you’re incapable of it.” she backtracked, “It’s just unlike you. Especially all of those things at the same time? Don’t act like it’s not strange Jaebum. Don’t act like you’re being yourself.”

“What would you prefer?”

“I’d prefer if you would just be yourself.” she snapped.

“Fine, fuck it, let’s just go back to my place.”

“No.” she shook her head, “Take me home, I don’t want to be with you when you’re like this.”

“Are you serious?” he asked feeling all of his frustration from the evening coming to an angry head.

“Yes, take me home.”

“I knew tonight was a terrible idea.” JB mumbled but kept driving.

“Then why did you even ask me to go out?” She asked.

“Because I wanted to do something special for you…god for-fucking-bid.” He stopped abruptly outside her building. “Don’t worry. I won’t do it again.”

“Jaebum,” she said his name so softly feeling terrible about how quickly the night turned.

“Please just go.”

Without another word she got out of the car and watched him take off in a flurry. Back home he opened the door to what Jackson and Youngjae had refused to tell him they were doing. Which apparently had been to lit a million candles and throw rose petals all over his apartment.

“Fucking fire hazard.” He mumbled angrily and started picking up petals. He kneeled on the ground and tried not to think too much about how terribly everything had gone. Before he knew it his anger turned into his real feelings and he wiped several tears from his cheeks. “Dumb baby.” He sniffed defiantly .

“Bummie,” Her voice came quietly from the door he’d left open, “what’s all this?” 

He stood up quickly wiping his face, “Why are you here?”

“I felt so bad when you took off. I grabbed the first cab I saw. I didn’t want us to go to bed angry with each other.” She said stepping inside and closing the door behind her. “What’s going on with you today? You’re being so weird, it’s scary. Are you…dying?”

“All I wanted was for you to be happy.” He said dropping his handful of petals back on the ground as she stepped in front of him.

“Baby,” she cupped his cheeks in her hands, “You make me happy just how you are. I wouldn’t have stuck around so long if I wanted you to be someone else.”

He pulled the note from Jackson out of his pocket, the one with the rules and opened it for her to read. He watched her eyes dance across the paper with amusement.

“Jackson?” She asked, he nodded in reply, “Why can’t you be all of these? Why can’t you touch me the way I like and be witty and rude but also hold my hand and tell me you love me?”

His hands took their place on her hips and he smiled. “I love you.”

“Ugh, put your feelings away, no ones interested.” She grinned playfully.

“I wanna marry you.” JB whispered against her lips.

“Why?” she asked quietly.

“Because you have nice boobies.” He smirked.

She laughed and wrapped her arms around him tightly. “There he is, my man.”

“I mean it,” he said against her neck. One hand held her hip the other reached the zipper of her dress to pull it down, his fingertips sending shivers all the way down her spine. “I’m going to marry you.”

[jayxtrejo]

Unfinished, continued....

I feel empty again, I’m back in solitude..

Things just seem different for some reason, I can’t put my finger on it it’s just a wave of sadness

Either I’m growing with you or out growing you.

Your priorities are becoming more clear.

Im starting to become okay with certain ideas..

I think it’s time..

Im outside again.

I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with, I require a lot of attention, I get upset easily and make a fuss over the smallest things but, but I also tend to over love to care more than I should to give more than I receive to simply just love unconditionally, maybe my problem had been that I’ve never had the same effort reciprocated back.. maybe it’s been given to me in the wrong ways or the ways you think are okay, not the way it should. I have a damaged past and for that same reason I am a better person for YOU today.. but for that same reason I am a damaged individual who’s also just lost and needs guidance who longs to become your only priority maybe I’m selfish, maybe I really am asking you too much, why should I feel the way I do when all I’m honestly asking in return is just your unconditional love and affection and to be made first before everything and everyone.. maybe this wasn’t meant for me, right person wrong time, maybe you’re the one that’s not ready for me.. I’ve been afraid of that scenario tbh but it might be the only thing that makes sense at this point and I don’t know how to really feel about that.

I hate being put second.

Inconsistent, you’re doing it again. Is it really that hard to have even a smidge of your fucking attention. Still facing the same problem. But honestly ima let it fucking go, if you wanna talk to me you would, if you wanted me their you would. If you care you will. I have no control over that.

What’s meant for me will never miss me and what isn’t will make its way out my life without interrupting a thing.

Im sad..

It’s our first anniversary since our “break” and honestly more than ever I want to spend it with you till the night runs down... but of course you have other plans already not involving me & i have to be “okay” with because that’s what you want but it’s not fair...

I want you all to myself..

I love you & miss you so much..

The reality of it all is I’m just damaged goods trying to be enough, I look to you at times, the person I want to be around me is sometimes the person who is also never around when I need the most.. I’ve become to accept that. You don’t understand how much it hurts because of how much I’ve invested.. having a heart this big is such a fucking burden. Cursed if you will.

Why do I allow myself to be put through this..

Will it get better or am I just hoping it will

I have to start facing your reality.. your mindset and wants and needs.. the fact you, might just not be ready..

Im not enough. I’m wearing down.

Distance.

Chance.

Inconsistent.

Sorrow.

Love.

TLC.

Demise.

Uplift.

Im crying again.. just like that first day after the incident..

Im so sorry. I love you.

Waited up all night and still couldn’t get some attention. That’s okay, getting use to it.

I was up all night hoping for a text back..

Today felt a bit easier, still unsettling but easier.

Feeling lonely again.

This range of emotions is terrible...

I miss you.

I love you..

I think one of the scariest parts of all this is that I don’t know what you’re doing or saying on your end.. like I could be over here talking about “we’re good” and all that but your still on your “break” hype saying we aren’t together or worse..

I think that’s always an issue that you never know what the other one is doing behind your back and you will never know, but a FYI you’re always good on my end. Never have to worry, I can’t say the same for you in all honesty & I don’t know how that makes me feel.

I hate not seeing you & it’s killing me not asking to see you but I’m trying to give you that space you ask for yet it just seems like there’s more distance each time.

I hate not being able to hug you all the time as before

I hate not being shown off

I hate this

I hate this I fucking this

I know this is a process but for how much longer..

I guess as long as it takes, right?

It’ll be okay, right?

Yes, it has too..

We didn’t come all this way for nothing. I know we didn’t. We did all this for a reason.. show me.

Love me, miss me, long for me. Please...

I love you..

I hate this fucking distance

I hate not seeing you... I miss you so much.

Your smile

Your face

Your laugh

Your lips

Those big brown eyes

Your little tummy

You, I just miss you.. soooo much.

Had to get on the phone to hear your voice.

That text saying you wanted to tell me “I love you” again made my heart melt.

Sometimes you just gotta accept that certain things are out control & do with whats still their.

Once again, you have just let me down.

It’s sad honestly, not even mad.

I just gotta accept I’m not that important of a person in your life as you say I am. Your actions speak louder than words. Worst part is believing in your words and trusting you all for it to just come crashing down, once again.. you’re the only one who causes this. Yet you expect changes from me when I can’t get the minimum from you.

It’s painful, thinking I come first. Haha, funny how shit works.

Do your thing tho, you just keep showing me where I truly stand in your life.

Why do you love to cause me pain, better yet. Why do I still continue to allow it. Am I just a fool. Do I love you blindly without any restrictions, am I still hoping for the best. Whatever the reason is, I’ll never know.

Each day you just stray more and more. You used to want to spend everyday with me, now I can’t even get the time of day..

It’s changing and it hurts.. it’s killing me on the inside.

I just miss you and wanna see you. But of course you choose others than me as usual..

Sucks that I’m not your priority no more, that whatever we have comes last now. It’s more clear what you really want and where I stand in your life.

I had plans of taking you for a nice dinner tonight then coming home for a movie night and catering to you since you’re not feeling right. But all that’s gone to trash.. you prefer otherwise I’m just not important no more.

Little things..

The effort should be coming from both of us not just me. It’s all one sided & it’s what you want. Not me.

I’m back to looking at my old self in the mirror.

I brought this upon myself, so in reality theirs nothing and no one else to blame but myself.

I always sought out you’d be the correct change and person I needed. Don’t get me wrong, you brought change and you’re someone I love but as the days progress that just seems to be the thing I’m now longing for the most.

What hurts and is upsetting the most is I plan my days along side you telling you about my days and how it went to just having your undivided attention, to be loved and cared for, to give you all I can and within seconds your priorities change and now you’re doing something else. As if you didn’t give two fucks about what our plans and did what you want instead even if that means canceling last minute but hey I’m not surprised, natter a fact I should be used to it by now but here I am still trying to see the better in you.

Sad isn’t it?

The worst part is I’ve told you that I’ve been feeling down and out and just so sad and all I wanted is you, you’re nowhere to be found..

Another possibility is maybe I’m the one for you but you ain’t the one for me.. yet I still chose you.

I had hopes of keeping this note going for years, for us to look back on and reminisce on when we have our children and are enjoying our older years. Today you let your actions do all the talking and after tonight I know what I am and where I stand. Today i am now finished with tears in eyes and glass in my throat. This is my last note, i have one thing left to say, I have loved you from day 1, I have always had trust in you no matter the circumstances, you have been my pride and joy and also my priority for that matter. I have put you above everyone and everything. I have loved you more than I have loved myself. I gave you more than I could ever give anyone. I cherished every second at your side. I craved every last kiss you gave me. I love you with out conditions or restrictions. I gave you my best and it wasn’t enough. You took advantage of me, knowing I’d forgive you every time. You made me look a fool infront of others and never gave me my place. I wasn’t your priority. Talk was cheap. I wanted you forever and you wanted me forever. But my “forever” was for eternity and your “forever” was only for a year and few months. No matter how low you sunk me down I still stood by you, no matter what you did I stood by you.. no matter the situation I picked you up and pushed you through it for you to come out on top. I didn’t receive the same from you. I broke my rules for you, bent regulations and all. I ran act the world for you when you couldn’t even walk a mile for me. Your interpretation of things will always be different because you will never see wrong by your part. Because to you the bare minimum is enough and will always be “enough”, nevertheless I never asked for much. But it was always too much for you. I held your name in the highest of podiums y de ti todo a manos llenas. Maybe I should have done things differently, maybe I should have been a little harder. But I couldn’t, you are my princess, my muse the only one I ever cared about for that matter. I took the honor in being a lot of your first time things events and moments, every minute spent by your side was heavenly and I couldn’t of asked for nothing better. I have no regrets. You are what I want but I’m not what you deserve. May be you’re the right person wrong time or maybe this just ain’t it. You are so many things but you are the one I’ll truly ever love most of all. You had so many defects and I fixed them, rebuilt you and made you into something new. I dealt with all your insecurities and loved you as you were. Your greed and selfishness got the best of you. You pushed me away mentally and you didn’t notice. You let others come before me & didn’t give me my rightful place. You are blinded by whats you want and not what’s right, you let it get the best of you.

Our faith was tested and lost.

I love you Emily & nothing will ever change that, I have no regrets, this is my final note, I will no longer be writing. I hope you get to read this.

[renjunvinates]

Lost - Youngjae ver.

Character: Im Jaebum x You || Choi Youngjae x You

Genre: Angst and Fluff

Length: 2540

I’m so sorry for the super late update, I’ve been stressed, crying, kmsing, school just fcking sucks and self problems lul. Anyways enjoy! This is the longest story I’ve ever written. OKay its trash writing anyways okay enjoy!!

~~~~

Standing there in mere silence slowly sucking in all the information of what currently just happened. You then realized Youngjae had just confessed to you. You started walking around aimlessly and began panicking not knowing what to do anymore. Until your phone started to buzz and you looked at who was calling, it was no surprise. It was Youngjae. You let the phone buzz and buzz until it stopped buzzing. You didn't want to pick up the call and you assumed after the buzzing finished Youngjae wouldn't call again. But you were wrong. He called again. Your phone buzzed again, and this time you picked up the call without thinking what would happen after.

“(Y/N)?” Youngjae questioned. “Yes…” you trailed off. “Is it possible for you to forget all of this..?” Youngjae asked. “Youngjae.. I wish I could.. but I can't..” you said with a sad tone. “It was worth a shot,” Youngjae said. You stood there waiting for Youngjae to say something again. But it was just pure silence. You felt awkward, so you mustered up the courage to say something. You looked at Youngjae on your phone screen. “Since when. Since when did you have these feelings?” You asked with a serious tone. Youngjae looked at you and was a bit shy of answering the question but you were very curious. “... since summer.. My feelings for you started growing for you since summer,” he said. You thought back in the summer, you remembered that in the summer you, Tiffany, and Youngjae would hang out often in the summer, and at that time you did like Youngjae also.. You sighed heavily. “Youngjae... If you could’ve maybe told me earlier then maybe.. Maybe we could’ve happened,” you said with a disappointed tone. Youngjae looked at you and titled his head and looked at you weirdly. “(Y/N) what do you mean??” Youngjae said. “What I mean is. Youngjae, I’ve liked you longer since summer, but I always thought you looked at me as a best friend,” you said. “I.. I.. I just was too scared..” Youngjae stuttered. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN! I TOLD YOU I LIKED YOU, AND EVEN MONICA TOLD YOU,” you yelled out. Youngjae was a taken back for sec and then he yelled back. “NO YOU DIDN’T! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!” he yelled back. The two of you started bickering at each other for the longest 5 minutes of your life. Until you realized you were getting off track. “YOUNGJAE STOP! WE’RE GETTING OFF TRACK AND GETTING NOWHERE WITH THIS!” you screamed at him. Youngjae flinched when you screamed at him. “Sorry…” Youngjae said apologetically. “Look, I told you I liked you, and even Monica told you too, and I thought this whole time I thought you never liked me. That’s why I moved on,” you said with a sad tone. “I know, and I’m sorry.. To be honest I didn’t think I was going to confess to you, but look where we are now,” Youngjae said.

You looked at the ceiling and you could feel tears coming out of your eyes. The guy who you’ve always liked, you’ve always wanted him to notice you and he did notice you finally but you’re with someone else now. You looked back at your phone and at Youngjae. “Youngjae.. I have a boyfriend… Jaebum.. Today is our 3rd month anniversary..” you said. Youngjae looked at you and frowned. “I know.. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you,” Youngjae said. You looked at Youngjae with a questioned look. “What do you mean??” you asked. “Tiff told me. When you left, I asked Tiffany where you were going, and she told me you had to go back to Jaebum..” Youngjae trailed off. You looked at Youngjae and finally tears came out. You realized you were hurting Youngjae, your best friend. You never wanted to hurt Youngjae but you were hurting him without even knowing. “Hey.. Hey.. Don’t cry.. Why are you crying..” Youngjae said with panic. You were wiping your tears away and sniffing. “I.. I’m.. I’m.. just realizing that this whole time when I was with Jaebum.. I..I.. I’ve been hurting you and I didn’t even know, and I put you in pain.. And.. and.. I just feel awful..” you said while sniffing and stuttering. “Hey, come on now.. Don’t cry.. I know you didn’t mean too.. You’re a good person, I know you never meant to hurt me, and this is why I like you. You’re a sweet girl who always cares about people you love,” Youngjae said while smiling. More and more tears rushed. Regardless you felt guilty. You weren’t able to handle this conversation anymore. “Youngjae, I can’t anymore.. I have to go and think..” You said. Before Youngjae could say anything you ended the call. You went to bed and laid down and looked at you ceiling and started thinking. You attempted to analyze your emotions but you couldn’t. You were tired from everything and the best thing you thought you could do right now is to sleep.

< Morning Time >

It was already morning time and you got out of bed and went to the bathroom. You were not surprised of how terrible you looked. You fixed yourself and then laid back in bed looking at the ceiling. It was finally time to figure out everything and for you to decide what has to be done. You thought about what happened last night between you and Youngjae. You sighed heavily.. Fuck, deep down those feelings for Youngjae were still there.. But you didn’t want to hurt Jaebum, but either way you were going to hurt someone. You started crying, you don’t want to be the bad guy, you didn’t want to hurt anyone because both of them are precious to you. Youngjae was someone who held a special place in your heart, but Jaebum was someone who rescued you when you were in pain because of Youngjae. You didn’t know what to do.. Was it going to be Youngjae.. Or Jaebum. It was real clear to you. You had feelings for Youngjae still and that was something you couldn’t deny and as for Jaebum you did like him, but you realized something and it hurt you. It was your feelings for Jaebum. Your feelings for Jaebum wasn’t as strong as for Youngjae. You thought about it, and you didn’t want to lead Jaebum on if you still had these feelings for Youngjae. You thought it was wrong. So you came to a decision and you hope in the end everything would be okay.

If you wanted to handle things right, you had to call both of the guys and you knew that it was going to be hell in the beginning. You decided to call Jaebum first. “Hello? (Y/N)? Something wrong?” Jaebum asked. “Hey.. Jae, can you come over? I have something urgent to tell you..” you trailed off. “Hmm? Uh yeah sure. I’ll be there in a bit,” Jaebum replied back. You thanked him and ended the call. Now it was time to call Youngjae. “Hello? Yes (Y/N)?” Youngjae asked. “Hey, we need to talk ASAP. Come over right now,” you demanded. “Uh.. okay alright. Give me a bit,” Youngjae replied. You hung up the phone and placed your phone on the kitchen countertop. You started walking back and forth intensely hoping for the best. All of a sudden the doorbell rang. You rushed to the door and calmly opened the door and you were shocked. Youngjae appeared first. You let Youngjae enter the house and you escorted him to the sofa. Youngjae sat down and looked at you. The atmosphere was silent and awkward. “So.. (Y/N), what’s all this about?” Youngjae asked. “Just sit there and wait, we have one more person coming,” you answered to Youngjae. The doorbell rang and you flinched. It was time to face this situation. You rushed to the door and open it and saw Jaebum face. “Hi,” Jaebum greeted. You let Jaebum enter your house and escorted him to your sofa. Youngjae noticed and immediately stood up. “(Y/N). What the hell is this,” Youngjae said.”Youngjae. Sit down. This is serious,” you demanded. Jaebum looked at you in disbelief and dragged you into your room. “(Y/N) what the hell is this. Why is he here? What the hell is going on?!,” Jaebum said with an angry tone. You took a deep breath and didn’t reply to Jaebum, instead you dragged him out where Youngjae was and demanded him to sit down on the sofa. “Sit down,” you demanded. Jaebum looked at you and then looked at Youngjae. He sat down on the opposite side of Youngjae and looked at you. You took deep breath to calm yourself down and prepared for the worse you looked at the boy's direction and began to talk. “Ok. First thing first, I want to let both of you know that I truly deeply care about you both and that you guys mean the world to me. Jaebum, thank you for always being there for me and helping forget about Youngjae and always making me smile and laugh. Youngjae, thank you for being my best friend and always making me smile and laugh,” you said. Jaebum was about to say something but you cut him off again. “I’m not done talking. Jaebum, I know you’re all about no secrets and trust and such, so I have to tell you what happened last night. So last nig-” you said but Youngjae cut you off. “(Y/N)! What the hell? Don’t!” Youngjae yelled. You flinched when Youngjae yelled but you had to keep going. “Youngjae, I have too. He needs to know. Anyways, last night Youngjae and I talked and he ended up confessing to m-” Jaebum cut you off and stood up and pulled Youngjae up out of his seat and raises his hand in a fist and was about to punch him. “STOP IM JAEBUM! VIOLENCE WON’T GET US ANYWHERE, LET HIM GO!” you screamed very loudly. Jaebum was about to swing but as soon as you screamed he stopped and looked at you and released Youngjae.

Jaebum comes up to you and drags you back into your room and closes the door. “Do you like him?” Jaebum said with an angry tone. You stood there avoiding eye contact with Jaebum. He punches the wall. “(Y/N). I’m serious, do you still like him,” Jaebum said. You looked down and nodded your head. He punches the wall again and puts his back against the wall and sits down. You stood there in silence waiting for him to speak. It was silent for 3 minutes. “Was I not good enough for you?” Jaebum asked. You looked at him and he looked at you and you saw tears coming out of his eyes. You sprinted towards Jaebum and hugged him. “Jaebum, I did have feelings for you, but I can’t lie to you. I still have those feelings for Youngjae,” you replied back. “I tried so hard to make you forget about him. My efforts was just not enough for you,” Jaebum said. You hugged Jaebum tighter. “You idiot, if you weren’t enough, we wouldn’t date. You were enough to me, but Jaebum no matter how hard I try to get over Youngjae and try to focus on you, I can’t, and I feel terrible,” you said. You released Jaebum from the hug and he looks at you and you start to cry. He pulls you into his arms and hugs you. “I don’t want to let you go (Y/N),” Jaebum said. You started crying more “Jaebum, I can’t be with you when my feelings for you aren’t as strong as for Youngjae,” you said. Jaebum pushes you back and immediately kisses you. You tried pushing back but Jaebum was too strong. Finally he releases you and in an instinct you slapped Jaebum across the face. You gasped and looked at Jaebum and stood up, you looked at the door and saw Youngjae looking at you. Your eye’s widened. Youngjae’s eyes were full of tears, you realized that he saw Jaebum kiss you. Youngjae see’s you and runs away and leaves your house. “YOUNGJAE WAIT!” you screamed, but it was too late. “Jaebum, what the hell. You knew didn’t you,” you said with an angry tone. Jaebum looked away. “Jaebum just because you’re hurt that doesn’t give you the right to hurt others,” you said furiously. “I know, go to him. Before he gets the wrong idea,” Jaebum said. You gave Jaebum a very confused look “That was my goodbye hug and kiss, go before I decide to not give up on you,” Jaebum said. You looked at Jaebum and you could tell he was trying to hold in his tears again. You go up to Jaebum once more and hug him and kiss him on the cheek. “Thank you for always being there for me when I needed you, and I hope your next girl will be the one for you,” You said and then you released him from the hug. You then ran out of your room to the door and ran off to go look for Youngjae.

< Jaebum P.O.V >

I put my head against the wall and finally released the tears. I stood up and took a good look of her room and then left, I took another good look around her home and took a deep breath. “I guess this wasn’t faith,” I said to myself. You took another deep breath and left her house without turning and looking back.

You ran out the house looking for Youngjae and spotted him. He was sitting at the swings at the park that was across from your house. You ran over there towards him and you called out his name. “YAH CHOI YOUNGJAE!!” you yelled. Youngjae stood up and saw you. You took the opportunity to run faster towards him. Finally you and Youngjae were face to face. You took one step closer to Youngjae and wrapped your hands around him and looked at him. “Hi sunshine sea otter,” you said while looking at him and smiling. “(Y/N) what are you doing?” Youngjae asked. You hugged Youngjae tightly. “Why’d you run away?,” you asked. “I saw you and Jaebum kiss and it broke my heart,” Youngjae said. You looked at Youngjae and tiptoed close to his face and kissed him. Youngjae flinches and his face was in shock. “(Y/N), aren’t you with Jaebum??” Youngjae asked with a concern voice. “We ended things on good terms and he let me go to be with you,” you said while smiling. “Then why did you guys kiss??” Youngjae asked. “It was a goodbye kiss,” you said nervously. He frowned and pulled you closer into his arms and kissed you and after that. Your lips parted from his and he hugged you tightly and he putted his chin on top of your head. “Are you mine now? Can I call you mine?” Youngjae asked. You looked at Youngjae and smiled brightly and nodded. Youngjae smiled and he truly looked like a sea otter.

~~~~

Lost  Jaebum Ver.

And I hoped you enjoyed this trash writing. 

[theradioghost]

my-inside-out-thoughts replied to your post “one day when i’m sleep deprived and emotional ill post my essay on why...”

Please

as it happens im sleep deprived and emotional tonight, so you know what? looks like im triple posting

(be advised that this is 1500 words of ramble that starts too personal and ends too pretentious, but god damn, guys, I love Mick Mercury, and here is why:)

so most of the reason im audio drama and Noir Garbage (tm) is that about age 15, when I was severely depressed and so deep in my anxiety I literally went weeks at a time without talking to people, one of my coping mechanisms was old radio serials. mostly noir, specifically Chandler adaptations, Yours Truly Johnny Dollar, Broadway Is My Beat, Dragnet, and Boston Blackie (also Gunsmoke but my deep and abiding love for Matt Dillon is a different post). I felt like the world was falling apart for me personally and also on a global scale, and the world of noir made a weird kind of sense to me at the time? you had these characters who were the only people who seemed to see that the world was Shit, that it was Bad, that innocent people were getting hurt, that everyone was alone and especially them. noir detectives were my emo phase, is what I’m saying.

except they did something? the world was mean and out to get them and they kept fighting anyway, week after week (thanks, weekly serial format), and they lost, and it sucked, but even when there’s literally no suggestion that they’re doing it out of a sense of hope, those characters kept going. that made sense to me, at the time, as a kind of heroism. that sort of deep-down, dark, burning need to keep standing up against the big, bad world, even when it did absolutely nothing, because someone had to. that was an idea that got me through a lot of bad days.

(this is also why terry pratchett’s Watch books mean so much to me, but again: another essay entirely.)

so it was really, really cool at first to find the penumbra, because here it was – everything I’d ever felt, every part of myself I’d ever seen in that shit I ate up as a scared kid, and it was explicit and deliberate, and on top of that it embraced the things about me that old noir never would, I could see myself in it as a queer girl, too, and on top of all that it was in space

(I love the Penumbra so much, you guys,)

and then I got to The Day That Wouldn’t Die, and I cried, because I was wrong

noir privileges the narrator’s viewpoint. you get those infamous first-person monologues, the jaded detective who is, as I said, the only person who sees the world as it really is – dark, and mean, and merciless. and of course, I assumed that the Penumbra was the same way, because that’s certainly what Juno thinks is the case. but it’s not. It’s not at all. because Juno is wrong about his world, and Mick Mercury is the proof.

because the other thing about noir is that it’s expressionistic – in other words, because of that pesky first person, the outside world comes to resemble the narrator’s inner world. we see Hyperion City through Juno’s eyes. and Juno isn’t a reliable narrator. Juno is depressed and depression is a fucking liar. Juno’s wrong. or at least, Juno isn’t entirely right.

Mick Mercury grew up in the same awful, awful place that Juno did, and he didn’t even get to leave it. he’s been poor and in debt his whole life. it doesn’t sound much like he gets along too well with his dad. he had a childhood just as terrible and at least one best friend who beat up on him. but what else do we know about Mick? well, we know that Dark Matters didn’t need a plan to specifically lure Juno into their scenario. it’s apparently a safe bet that if you give Mick Mercury money for drinks, he’s gonna invite his best friend. (and juno will come, too.) And he didn’t do it for the anniversary, either; he did it because he cares about Juno and worries about him and wants to spend time with him.

(strike one against the worldview of juno “I am a bad person and Alone” steel; Mick has seen him at his worst and loves him very, very much.)

also, mick has been actively worrying about juno??? (same.) he immediately compliments juno’s shitty stuff and he means it? he’s always, always sincere. and furthermore, he’s fucking terrified the whole episode. Juno’s a hardened ex-cop who gets shot at regularly and Sasha is a badass secret agent. Mick is not these things! Mick puts rollerblades on dogs! He’s also being physically and emotionally tortured with one of the worst days of his life. He gets shot, almost loses a leg in the tubes, then gets dragged off underwater by a nightmare monster version of himself and concussed, all this time terrified of monsters – and he tries to convince them to leave him and save themselves. When juno does this, it is, tbqh, very much wrapped up in juno’s hurting and Issues. Mick’s doing it out of love and bravery and he inspires the same thing in his friends, too.

And after all of this??? this awful, awful day?? His immediate first priority is going straight back to his original goal: Is Juno okay? Make Juno talk to someone about not being okay. And Juno throws some pretty horrible stuff at him, too, and his response is to give?? Some really good advice, honestly. And sure, we know that Mick’s memories of their childhood aren’t exactly accurate, but why does that mean that Juno’s are? Mick struggles with metaphors and with other people’s emotions in conversation. Mick’s goofy and kind and cares about others and sees the good in things and people. But the thing is, that doesn’t make him naïve, or foolish, or wrong. he turns out to be wise and insightful enough to surprise juno there, doesn’t he? Mick himself is proof that there is good, real good, to see in people in Hyperion City.

Juno came out of Oldtown traumatized and Sasha came out hard and Mick didn’t get out at all and this is still what he’s like.

despite everything he’s been through Mick is selfless, caring, sincere, resilient, hopeful. And furthermore, he doesn’t just be these things. Because Mick Mercury is first and foremost a storyteller. Mick has hopes and dreams of better things, and Mick sees better things in the world already around him, and all he does is share that with others. Mick makes kids dream. Mick gives Juno hope. Mick Mercury tells stories that he believes in so deeply that they become true – stories about monsters, yeah, but also stories about good people. Mick believes so much in a better world that he’s already living there. It becomes real around him.

And after Mick, so much else became apparent to me – mainly Nureyev. Nureyev, who I was so sure was going to pull a true Femme/Homme Fatale and vanish again or break Juno’s heart or ultimately thwart him – that’s what that archetype does! But Nureyev isn’t an homme fatale. He’s been through unfathomable pain, had his moral compass severely screwed up by his weird criminal dad and his upbringing on a hell planet where every crime gets the same absolute punishment, and he still thinks the universe is a beautiful place. He decides, on his own, that Mars needs saving. He falls in love with people and with places – really, really, deeply in love. He sees so much in the universe that’s worthwhile that he’s running through it nonstop trying to see and love every bit of it that he possibly can. Mick and Peter look at the same world Juno does and see something very, very different, and Juno’s not wrong when he sees pain, when he sees injustice, when he sees cruel people and moral indifference, and there are reasons why that’s the world that he sees, but that doesn’t mean it’s the whole and only truth.

I love Mick Mercury because he made me realize that Juno Steel doesn’t live in a noir universe at all. he just lives inside of a very, very noir Juno Steel. And I feel like I’m fifteen again, I feel like Juno Steel at fifteen, hearing hopes that the world can be better. that it already is. and just because there are still days (because now especially, there are days) when I look at the world and the whole thing seems so totally, irretrievably, impossibly dark doesn’t mean that’s true. There are good things out there, good things inside us, shining cities and constellations and love, even if it’s hard to see them right now. and when we can, we tell the stories. and when we can’t, we listen to someone else tell them to us. and we keep telling em till we get there.