#he single handedly is the reason i’m not ace

[blossoms-and-possums]

idk how the fuck to make a mood board, i just scrolled through some of my pins and chose the ones that resonated with me. muchas gracias a @pretentiouswreckingball for tagging me !!

i tag @lavenderhaze and @mandycantdecide and anyone else who sees this and wants to join in <3

[twistedwonderlandsimps]

Hi! You can answer this whenever you like ^^

I want to ask if you could also make more scenarios for characters, other than Ace, having a mishap in Ramshackle’s weirdness (with ???!Yuu maybe coming to the rescue or not)

You could do the rest of the first years or the characters you think would have interesting interactions with the rules/creatures in Ramshackle ٩(^o^)۶

???!Yuu [ft. The First Years]

Ace Trappola and the 20-sided Dice

He found this peculiar little dice when he was walking around Ramshackle, looking for the Red Door again.

He was just really curious about the different versions of the Yuus that he saw from behind the Red Door and wanted to take a closer look.

No, not of them taking a bath! No!

He just wanted to talk to them and all that, alright?!

He was pretty sure he saw a Yuu that looked like Malleus Draconia so he was wondering what was up with that.

But Yuu didn’t help them find the door so now he was left with his own devices.

It didn’t take him long to find a room he was unfamiliar with and in the middle of the room was a glass case with a dice propped on top of a fancy pillow inside of it.

It was pretty easy to take and Ace assumed it was somewhat safe since Ramshackle didn’t do anything to stop him from taking it.

Ace looked at the dice, trying to see what kind of abilities it had since there was no way this thing was just a normal dice especially when he found it inside Ramshackle.

He turned it over with one hand before releasing it down to the floor and watching as it landed on the number 20.

The redhead waited patiently and looked around to see if there was anything dangerous coming after him. 

When he saw nothing, he shrugged and pocketed the dice and resolved to ask what was the dice’s purpose when he sees Yuu later.

Though oddly enough, throughout the day he seemed to find himself eerily… lucky?

There was a surprise pop quiz in class but that got canceled right as they were about to take it, his class got dismissed early so he was able to buy the delicious limited edition bread that was usually always sold out by the time he arrived in the cafeteria, and he even single-handedly carried his team in basketball practice earlier!

It was as if luck was on his side!

Of course Ace, the sharp man he was, immediately realized it was because of the dice’s influence.

He immediately verified this to Yuu but when the Ramshackle prefect heard that they had used the die, they gave him a pitiful look while Grim looked at him with an expression that said ‘are you stupid?’.

Ace: “W…What? Why are you looking at me like I’m a dead man? Shit, don’t tell me this dice is going to take my lifespan away?!”

Yuu: “Not your lifespan, per se… Also, it doesn’t take anything away. Eh, but you might want to buy yourself protective gears and be alert for tomorrow. You know what, it’s better if you don’t go to school tomorrow.”

Ace: “Oi…! What’s going to happen?!”

Grim: “Nyahaha! You’re gonna be extremely unlucky tomorrow! What a stupid human! Why would you use something you found in Ramshackle?”

Yuu: “...Didn’t you also–”

Grim: “THE GREAT GRIM DID NOT!”

Suffice to say, Ace had a really bad time the next day. He was forced to go to school because Riddle caught him trying to skip classes and collared him. And for some reason, things were falling from the sky out of nowhere and hitting him square in the head but good thing he had a helmet on or else he’d already have a concussion over his concussion. There were also surprise quizzes on his classes for topics he didn’t study for, ALL his classes! Even PE! Worst part was, he couldn’t do anything to stop this because he had to wait the whole day out!

The 20-sided Dice: Yes, it’s the DnD dice. Ultimately, it’s harmless when it’s not used. The higher the number one gets, the luckier they become. However, it’s not without its drawbacks because just as how lucky one may get, the more unlucky they become the next day. It’s like having a predetermined amount of luck assigned to you every day and other days ahead. The dice siphons your luck from tomorrow so you can use it at the present time but that means that tomorrow, you’re significantly less luckier. Normally it wouldn’t be noticeable but the higher the number someone gets, the more luck the dice takes from an individual’s tomorrow. It’s just unfortunate that Ace rolled a 20. Heh.

Deuce Spade and the Children’s Show

This happened earlier when he still didn’t know much of the true dangers in Ramshackle.

Although this man sometimes has small brain moments, he knows how to assess danger.

Sometimes, anyway. Because really, remember the Dwarf’s Mine? He really tried to try his luck and play russian roulette with the blot monster just to get a magic stone.

Anyway, this sense of danger mostly only applied to direct physical threats.

So stumbling into Ramshackle’s Lounge and seeing the television was on, he thought nothing of it. 

He assumed Yuu bought a new TV to entertain themselves. 

There didn’t seem to be anything much to do in Ramshackle aside from trying to escape with your life so he gets why Yuu would get a television.

Even if the television switched to a scene of a well with S*dako crawling out of it, Deuce was fairly confident in his ability to fight.

He decided to look and see what the show the television was showing and it was actually a children’s show!

Unfortunately there wasn’t a remote anywhere and the television oddly didn’t have buttons to change the channel so he had no choice but to watch the children’s show that was kind of similar to D*ra the Explorer.

When the cartoon character asked the viewers a question, Deuce would jokingly answer it, not knowing the entity he was luring in.

He didn’t find anything wrong until the television screen showed a cartoonized version of Ramshackle far in the distance. 

That was when Deuce began to feel that something was wrong. He tried to look for the TV’s power plug, only to find that it didn’t have any.

Finally realizing that this thing was an unknown entity, Deuce panicked and began talking to himself on what he should do and inadvertently giving indirect answers to it.

The cartoon character got closer and closer to Ramshackle with each scene, its face becoming more distorted and demented the more it got closer.

That was when Deuce realized that the show’s scene would change if he answered the character’s questions. 

Even joke answers, or any answer for that matter, counted.

So he closed his mouth shut before he could make anything worse for him but at this point it was already too late.

The character had already arrived at the cartoon version of Ramshackle’s front door.

They knocked on the door in the television, asking to be let in, and Deuce heard a series of knocks on Ramshackle’s front door in real life.

It had already arrived…

That was when a ball of flame suddenly headed towards the television and engulfed it in flames.

Deuce heard a high pitched shriek come from the outside as the cartoon character in the television show caught fire and screamed in agony.

He looked at the direction to where the ball of flame came from and saw a grumpy-looking Grim by the doorway.

“Fgnah! You almost tried to invite that thing inside! Be glad I was here before anything could happen!”

The Children’s Show: Yeah, it’s pretty much Am*nda the Adventurer except it’s a television show. Gotta love me some horror and children tropes. Anyway, no one knows the entity’s true form since they hide it behind the cutesy cartoon character in the television. Any type of answers given whenever the cartoon character addresses the viewers counts and it will continue to the next scene. That’s why staying silent is the best option but that doesn’t mean the cartoon character will let this slip by. When they inevitably realize that you find out their true purpose, they won’t hesitate to pull the punches. They’ll use any means to make you answer, whether by taunting you and picking on your insecurities or even creating a cartoon version of your loved ones getting hurt and screaming in pain. The only way to neutralize this entity is to destroy the television. It doesn’t mean it’s gone, just neutralized. It will be back again later with a different cartoon character…

Jack Howl and the… Thing?

He has a good head on his shoulders so he knew not to touch anything in Ramshackle or go into rooms he had never seen before.

Though, just because he’s careful doesn’t really stop the dangers from seeking him instead.

Unlucky for him, it seems that a murderous entity got impatient and forcefully took over control of Ramshackle's layout to trap Jack in a room with it.

Of course, such a crude way of taking control of Ramshackle’s layout definitely wouldn’t escape Yuu’s notice but it seems this entity was betting everything on its life that it would be able to harm Jack before either Yuu or Ramshackle could intervene and bring him out of danger.

Jack couldn’t do a thing but try to evade this… thing, whatever it was… since the door that he had just closed by itself and couldn’t be opened.

Then the room began to expand as Jack turned around to see whatever had just trapped him in the room.

The entity was a monstrous thing. It was disgusting to look at and even more disgusting to smell.

Even when Jack had a bit of distance from it, he could still smell the coppery smell of blood emanating from it.

The thing looked fleshy and had a lot of eyes of different colors and twitching limbs poking out of its body. 

Its flesh seemed to be made of human skin, if the vague shapes and figures of human faces stretched on the surface was anything to go by.

Jack had an ominous conjecture that those limbs and eyes came from the thing’s previous victim and he definitely didn’t want his face to be on there, no thank you.

So Jack did the best thing to do in a situation like this – Run away because he was sure as long as he could get out of this entity’s territory then it wouldn’t be able to chase after him anymore.

The only problem was that despite the entity looking all stout and plump from all the flesh it assimilated, it was still able to almost catch up to him!

Just as the entity was closing the gap between them, a wood beam suddenly burst out of the floor and hit the entity, throwing it out of Jack’s path as it hit the wall.

The door that was locked earlier opened and Jack could see that Yuu was holding the door open while reaching their hand out to him, screaming for him to take their hand.

It seemed that Yuu was struggling to force the door open, which was quite understandable since the entity didn’t want its prey to escape and they were technically playing a game of tug of war with the territory.

Still, looking over his shoulder, Jack could see more wooden beams bursting out from the walls, the floor, and the ceiling as it kept hitting the entity and breaking its momentum from catching up with Jack. This was the first time he had seen Ramshackle at work.

More beams burst out from the walls and created a barrier between the entity and Jack and Yuu.

Finally, Jack could reach out to Yuu and take their hand as he was pulled to safety. The door closed behind him and it disappeared from view. 

“I… huff… I’m so sorry…” Yuu panted, leaning on the wall. “We’ll make sure it… wheeze… won’t be able to… haa… to cause trouble ever again…”

“That’s… huff… great.” Jack replied, also out of breath.

The Thing: A malevolent entity obsessed with assimilating creatures into it. With the amount of mass it’s gained, it must have hunted in Ramshackle for a long, long time now. It actually has a second form where its flesh around its ‘stomach’ area splits open to show the seemingly alive and screaming heads of the previous victims still being digested and assimilated. Current status: pending elimination. :)

Epel Felmier and the Statue Room

Ah, the statue room. 

It’s a relatively harmless room. Relatively harmless unless the entities find you interesting enough to be a part of them, that is.

And that’s what exactly Epel is to them – a potential candidate for their ‘eternal paradise’.

He first stumbled upon the room when they were staying at Ramshackle for VDC practice.

At first he was curious about the statues that he was seeing littered all around Ramshackle when he and the rest of the NRC Tribe were moving in.

The statues were very detailed, like Greek sculptures.

Yuu seemed to have a strained expression on their face as they said, “Ah… Don’t mind them. They shouldn’t be out and about, trying to… recruit… new potentials for their cause.” 

Yuu said it loudly, as if purposely trying to let the statues hear their words.

The next day, the statues were still scattered around Ramshackle but this time their positions and poses changed. Additionally most of them were now inside of Ramshackle.

It was creepy but since Yuu reassured them that the statues were mostly harmless, it was no problem.

That was until Epel woke up in the middle of the night with a parched throat so he got up to get himself a glass of water.

As he opened the door, he was met with a statue pointing down the hallway.

It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t jumpscared to be met face-to-face with the statue but it would also be a lie if he said he wasn’t curious at what it was pointing at.

So he followed the direction down the hall where he saw another statue that was pointing down another hallway.

Realizing that the statues were actually leading him somewhere, he followed the directions they were leading him to and landed himself in the Statue Room.

Unlike the statues scattered outside, the ones inside the room were on pedestals that had plaques with description of the statue on it. 

Not only that but the depictions of the statues in the room were much more gorey as opposed to those scattered outside. 

The descriptions were all brief, something along the lines of: ‘Here lies Eveline, she who never stayed’, ‘Esmeralda, burned as a witch’, ‘L is for Larry who bled and bleed’ and the like.

It didn’t need much description when the emotions the statues exhibited were already telling.

Despite it all, the statues managed to look somehow elegant and beautiful even if the faces the statues expressed were of sadness, anger, or agony.

It was like a museum exhibit in the room and Epel actually enjoyed looking around.

It was all fine until Epel’s sight landed on an empty pedestal. He got curious why that lone pedestal had no statue on it so he looked at the plaque to see the missing statue’s description but…

EPEL FELMIER - Join us.

“Aw hell naw!”

His peewpaw and meemaw ain’t gonna be visiting his statue-fied body if he can help it, thank you very much!

Just as he was about to book it, he found himself surrounded by the statues that were on the pedestals earlier.

And that was how the story of Epel fistfighting the statues in the statue room happened.

The Statue Room: Despite the name and how they look, the entities inside of it weren’t really statues but they definitely act like one. They love passion, beauty, and eternity. They were once humans who wanted to stay as they were for eternity that they were willing to freeze themselves in time forever, whether they were on the brink of death or not. Now they’re just ‘statues’. Although not aggressive or hostile, it was best to stay away from them since they were persistent if they wanted to. It’s more of an minor annoyance for Yuu when they decide to break out of their assigned territory to scout for new people to join them. Still, they were ultimately harmless since the only way for them to successfully recruit people was if those people themselves willingly wanted to be a part of the Statue Room.

Sebek Zigvolt and the Boundary

Sebek didn’t really have any reason to visit Ramshackle but he had heard plenty of the odd things that happened in it.

But as he slowly got integrated into Yuu’s group of friends which mostly consisted of first years, visiting Ramshackle became more and more frequent.

In turn, him encountering whatever logic-defying thing that happened in the weird dorm became more common.

Of course, a sleepover was going to happen one of these days and it did.

And of course, just as Sebek closed his eyes and decided to go to sleep, he suddenly jolted awake and found himself in a white void, surrounded by cloudy smoke that lazily drifted all around.

Sebek was pretty sure he wasn’t the type to sleep-walk so he assumed it was just the Ramshackle shenanigans acting up again.

Still, being in the unknown place didn’t shake him a bit. He knew he could get out of the place, though he didn’t know how exactly.

Just as he was about to take a step forward, a hand landed on his shoulder and Sebek was alarmed but he calmed down when he saw that it was just Yuu, although they seemed to be looking at something past him.

An outburst was bubbling on his throat but Sebek paused when he saw the look on Yuu’s face. 

The pure and raw fear on Yuu’s face was concerning because if something can make Yuu that scared then whatever it was that scared them was very, very dangerous.

“Don’t…” Yuu said in a low voice, almost in a whisper, as they tugged Sebek back. “Don’t go there…”

Sebek let them, noticing the slight shaking of Yuu’s hand but he didn’t comment on it.

Yuu slid their hand down to Sebek’s own and intertwined their fingers as they began to walk backwards, Yuu never taking their eyes off what unseen things Sebek couldn’t see in front of them.

He didn’t say anything but he squeezed Yuu’s hand as a small reassurance to the Prefect.

Slowly, step by step, the surroundings transitioned to the wooden floor and moldy walls of Ramshackle and the two only stopped walking backwards when they couldn’t see the white expanse anymore.

Once they couldn’t see the white void, Yuu allowed themselves to collapse on their knees.

“Never,” They started as Sebek tried to help them up. “Never go past the boundary… please.”

The Boundary: It’s the boundary. Whatever happens outside of it is out of Ramshackle’s control. There are much more terrifying creatures outside than the ones within Ramshackle’s territory. More crueler, more inhumane. Had Sebek taken a step forward, Yuu wasn’t sure they would've been able to retrieve the half-fae’s body to mourn. Glad he didn’t, aye?

[adricthemindnimon]

You guys The Power of the Doctor was fucking phenomenal. I had so many fears and so many doubts, but that was beautifully done and my heart is so full right now.

Random rambles off the top of my head:

- Yaz is so beautifully confident and competent! Like folks talk about Doctorification as a bad thing but my god hers is excellent.

- Ace my love my love my love. Ace calling 13 Professor. Ace stashing her jacket in UNIT HQ. Ace with a big fuckoff gun. Ace with HER BASEBALL BAT. Ace jumping off a building with a parachute. Ace going “of course I can single-handedly take out a volcano full of Daleks, I’m not a wimp”. Ace meeting Graham! Ace having a sweet heart to heart with Seven oh my days my heart. 

- For some reason I didn’t expect Ace and Tegan to sound like they used to. They obviously look different, and I dunno, I guess I was expecting them to feel different too. But the second Ace opened her mouth I damn near cried. They sounded exactly the same as ever. 

- Tegan my love my love my love. Tegan being a big damn hero, completely of her own volition, and always managing to feel hard done by about it. Tegan telling off every Doctor she sees. Tegan refusing to leave Kate Stewart in the fight alone. Tegan fighting her way through an entire building full of Cybermen. Tegan having an incredibly sweet heart to heart with Five, and Five understanding and validating her trauma. Five saying, of course seeing Cybermen again reminds you of Adric, of course seeing Cybermen again takes you back to that horrific experience (because even before Adric died that was a pretty terrible story for Tegan). Honestly I can’t say that enough. Five looking Tegan in the eye and understanding her pain, in a way that he was always too exasperated to do back in the day. And ugh the parallels between this and Earthshock, with Tegan fighting through masses of Cybermen and being insanely brave, except this time it paid off and she didn’t lose anybody important to her.

- Oh my god all the Doctors. Fake William Hartnell, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann... I yelped seeing them all. The boy band from the alternative 50th anniversary haha. They all care so much about this show, it’s such a pleasure to see them all back. And 8 refusing to wear a cloak was funny.

- “Last time I saw you you were part cat” omg Ace. I didn’t expect them to reference that quite so openly lmao

- The Master. Dance party. Ra Ra Rasputin. While Daleks and Cybermen watch. I mean it’s up there with Cassandra and Toxic, or Simm-Master and I Can’t Decide. Genuinely think I scared my neighbours I was howling so loud with laughter.

- Kate Stewart you tough legend. I’ve never been particularly invested in her before, but nah she’s pretty good.

- Omg the Master in 13′s costume. Sacha Darwan making those pants look like shorts. 

- The Journey’s End throwback with all the friends piloting the TARDIS together my heart.

- That support group at the end. All the friends coming together. JO GRANT. MEL BUSH. IAN CHESTERTON. I’m so glad we finally got an appearance from Ian, no matter how short. 

- The regeneration was so sweet and gentle and peaceful. We’ve had a lot of traumatic and dramatic regenerations of late. I’m so glad 13 got to go so kindly. The ice creams on top of the TARDIS. The last sunset. The way she held it off for a while so she could have a few more beautiful moments, then willingly embraced the future.

- “Tag, you’re it”. Perfect last lines for this Doctor. I’m sad to see her go, but that was a good exit.

They managed to bring together all these characters, and all these plotlines, and give each of them sufficient weight and value. Nobody felt shorted or extraneous. Jodie was on top form, and she got a damn good send off.

[realcube]

CELEBRATING YOUR BIRTHDAY 

characters ♡ bokuto, tendō, matsukawa & suna

tw ♡ gn! reader, timeskip! bokuto (all sfw tho), swearing, reader wears makeup (matsukawa), swearing, mentions of death & food 

cred ♡ thanks to anon for this request <3

KŌTARŌ BOKUTO

♡ he was literally counting down the days to your birthday, he even took the day off practise to celebrate it with you so imagine his surprise when the special day finally rolls around and he wakes up to an empty bed

♡ at first, he thought that perhaps you were just around the house somewhere but nope, the place was completely empty and even worse, all signs pointed to his theory that you had gone to work/school on your birthday 

♡ outraged. he was absolutely outraged. 

♡ firstly, he tried calling you but you wouldn’t pick up, even after his many attempts so his next resort to call your place of work/school reception 

♡ obviously he managed to get a hold of you then-

♡ he was originally gonna yell about how you lied to him about taking the day off on your birthday but there was no way he could be angry at you — almost ever — so instead, he made the quick decision of telling you to have a nice day before hanging up 

♡ you were kinda pissed that he wasted your time like that but how could you stay mad at him? he’s fkn adorable! he blew you audible kisses over the phone for good luck!

♡ you laboured your way through the day, putting in great effort yet through it all, the only thing on your mind was how much you wanted to just pass out on the couch with bokuto as soon as you got home. you weren’t even sure if you had the energy to change into your pjyamas.

♡ however, when you finally did arrive home, there was no need to put yourself through the onerous task of changing clothes as the first thing you were greeted by when you stepped foot in your own home was a chorus of cheers of ‘surprise!’ followed by people spilling out into the foyer from the kitchen and living room 

♡ then there was bokuto, the loudest of them all leading the crowd, blowing into the party horn while dashing up to, throwing his arms around your shoulders to pull you into a tight hug, ‘happy birthday, sweetie!’

♡ a light gasp escaped your lips at the sudden hoots, and the unfamiliar — and frankly uncomfortable — sight of many friends swarm towards you had you on edge but when you felt bokuto wrap you in his warm embrace, you knew you were home

♡ he held you close until you were forced apart by many guests tearing you away to personally wish you a happy birthday

♡ now that the initial shock had died down, you noticed that there wasn’t as many people present as you thought, it was a humble gathering of all your closest friends 

♡ there was a massive pile of bright-colored gifts lying on the stairs, and it was hard not to immediately acknowledge them as the sheer mass and number of the presents scattered across the steps prevented anyone from being able to go upstairs

♡ the following day, you were made aware of the fact 90% of those presents were addressed from ‘your best ace husband ;)’ which was pretty straight-forward considering you only have one husband; kiyoomi sakusa. 

♡ jokes, you married bokuto but sakusa was also at the party. he originally just wanted to drop off his gift then leave but bokuto persuaded him to stay, though he seemed to be regretting it now as almost everyone at the party now shared an unspoken goal to slam sakusa’s face into one of the cupcakes that decorated the circumference of your cake

♡ speaking of the cake, bokuto remembered what type of cake was your favorite from the wedding planning and he was so chuffed with himself. in fact, he was so confident in his cake picking ability that he ordered a massive 3-tier monster of a dessert 

♡ neither of you would be able to finish it before it goes bad so you ended up cutting it up into pieces  and sending each guest away with a little goody-bag with a slice of cake inside lmao 

♡ once you had finished your goodbyes and everyone had filed out of your home, you flopped onto the couch and let out a deep sigh of relief. well, it was only a sigh for a few moment as it became a wheeze when bokuto laid down on top of you 

♡ ‘happy birthday, (y/n). i’m sorry if i tired you out.’ he hummed, fiddling with your fingers as his lips curled into a shaky smile

♡ ‘i’m a bit sleepy but i had an amazing time. thank you so much, kō.’

♡ bokuto smiled, his heavy lid falling shut as he finally rested his neck, being able to fall asleep comfortably now that you’ve told him that you had fun

SATORI TENDŌ

♡ unlike bokuto, he’ll actually mention your birthday a few weeks prior to the celebration so he can plan the perfect date :3

♡ ‘so do you wanna go to the aquarium or the theme park? because i know we’ve went to the park before but they remodelled it apparently. plus, maybe the aquarium is a bit underwhelming for such a special day, but it’s up to yo--’

♡ ‘we won’t really get to spend much time in either. if you consider the time school finishes, the train ride and the time the aquarium and park closes so maybe we could just chill at my house instead.’

♡ tendō deadpanned for a moment, the most unamused look taking over his features until he suddenly burst out laughing, cackling as if you just told the joke of the century, ‘seriously, (y/n)? you’re gonna go to school on your birthday.’

♡ ‘yes, of course.’ you replied in all seriousness, resulting in tendō awkwardly beginning to stifle his chuckles.

♡ he frowned, slumping back into the seat beside you, ‘c’mon, it’s your birthday, though! you deserve the day off.’

♡ you shook your head, kindly declining his suggestion, ‘i have a test on that day.’

♡ ‘all the more reason to ditch!’

♡ now it was your turn to deadpan

♡ tendō tossed his head back while letting out a sigh  of defeat, draping his arm around your shoulder to lovingly pull you to his chest, ‘alright, then. whatever you want, dear.’

♡ you smiled, glad that you didn’t need to disagree with him any longer — and you were even happier on the day. even though you insisted that he keeps things small on your birthday, he still managed to find a way to make things extra asf by getting you a massive plush that was about half the size of your stature and a hamper of homemade chocolates ><

ISSEI MATSUKAWA 

♡ honestly, he’s never been the best at giving gifts but he tries extra hard for you 

♡ like if you off-handedly say that you are cold during class, he’ll buy you a bunch of new jackets, jumpers and gloves

♡ or if you say you need more mascara, he’ll buy you exact same one you usually wear 

♡ he’s observant enough to notice and remember the exact shade and brands of all your cosmetic products but he’s not observant enough to pick up on the subtle hints you drop as to what you want for your birthday 

♡ you can never guess what he’s gonna get you and that adds to your anticipation for the day 

♡ if your birthday is on a school day, he’ll bring in a batch of homemade cupcakes (which hanamaki helped him with) and stick a candle in one of them for you to blow out 

♡ he offers you one but they are all pretty stale- just smile and nod while your teeth feel like they are being shattered trying to bite down on the cupcake 

♡ it might set off the fire alarm but oh well, just count that as another present

♡ oikawa will probably get you something like a bouquet and try flirt with you so at that point, matsukawa and hanamaki begin using the cupcakes as weapons 

♡ they are a two for one deal so you’re going to be spending the day with both of them tailing you like lost puppies

platonic RINTARŌ SUNA

♡ (requester specified) your birthday is on the same day as his so ofc he’s going to be a little salty abt it 

♡ you both created a game to see who receives the most birthday wishes and whoever won gets ¥1500 from the loser’s birthday money

♡ for the past few years, he’s usually been the winner by just a few but this year, you made it a point to befriend all him teammates in order to ensure victory 

♡ having to pretend to be friendly with atsumu — who wasn’t very good at hiding his massive crush —was definitely a challenge but you powered through 

♡ in fact, you may have played the role too well as both the miya twins gave you a gift 

♡ osamu gave both you and suna a plastic bag filled with some food he made and water bottles

♡ as for atsumu, his gift to you was a massive hamper filled with an assortment of many different luxury confectionary which didn’t look cheap at all but it didn’t feel appropriate to question the price so you simply took it from him with a bright smile

♡ of course, suna was excited (and very hungry) as he expected the same gift but he was more than disappointed when all he received was a bag of chips and a slap on the back

♡ he goes out of his way to tell every teacher it’s your birthday in hopes that they’ll make the class sing happy birthday to you 

♡ but it pisses him off to no end when you add that it’s his birthday too so he ends up getting roped into your misery 

♡ also your thumbs are going to be sore at night swiping through all the various candid pics that suna took of you throughout the day (in less than flattering poses) which he uplaoded to almost all of his social media stories with stupid ass captions 

♡ but dw bc he’ll eventually post a nice photo of you with a sweet message

♡ ‘happy birthday to @(y/n) . i would die for you, bitch (even though you annoy the hell out of me every single day 🤠).’ 

[queergodot]

Now that I’ve finished the games, ranking of all OG Ace Attorney trilogy cases:

Farewell, My Turnabout: The primary reason this is my favourite is because I ADORE the way having a guilty client changes the gameplay. It's genuinely difficult to stretch the trial out when you can't actually press witnesses on contradictions because they aren't lying. You need to use completely different logic and it's fun and challenging. I also really like what this case did for Edgeworth's character, seeing Will Powers again was great, and I enjoyed Maya, Pearl, Gumshoe, Engarde, and Shelly the Killer's characters a lot. Lastly, I thought the way spirit channeling was used in this case was really clever, and I really liked getting to play as Maya, if only for a very short time. I do have massive issues with how it handled Adrien's mental illness, though, and don't think that the whole 'Phoenix learns the true meaning of being a defense attorney' thing was remotely well-handled. But all in all, I really enjoyed this case.

Turnabout Goodbyes: Yeah yeah I'm predictable. Not the strongest case when it came to the mystery writing imo (not in the least bc the DL-6 makes no sense), but the emotional core of this case is so strong that barely matters to me. A real roller coaster to play in a good way.

Bridge to the Turnabout: fantastic set-up, with great new characters and very good use of older ones, with high emotional stakes that genuinely hit. Has my favourite investigation sections of the series by a LONG shot; I especially adored Franziska as a companion. That said the second trial part consistently had Phoenix and the other characters lagging behind figuring out obvious stuff I could see coming from a mile away, which made playing it deeply frustrating. That said, Godot’s speech at the end alone justifies its third place spot.

Turnabout Memories: Single-handedly made me care about Mia as a character. Don't get me wrong, I never disliked her, but I found the frequent hand-holding using her rather annoying, and she just... didn't have much of any character beyond 'wise mentor' to me. But Turnabout Memories managed to successfully re-frame that as a persona, because she's just as much of a disaster as Phoenix, which I found REALLY entertaining. The addition of trauma stemming from court also added a lot to her character imo. I also liked Phoenix's character; he was adorable and this trial was a great showcase of how his savior complex can screw him up. Plus Dahlia is great and I love her. Even as a short tutorial case it’s one of my favourites.

Reunion, and Turnabout: MASSIVELY underrated imo. The only major issue I have with it is that the photograph Lotta took after the murder makes no sense bc Mimi had facial reconstruction to look like Ini, meaning the killer shouldn't have had Mimi's face. Aside from that, though, the case is great. I think Morgan and Mimi are great villains, especially Mimi. Pearl is a great character and I love her introduction. I also really enjoyed the look into the Fey family dynamics this case brought, and of course I'm always a slut for Maya angst.

Rise from the Ashes: AMAZING characters; probably the best case-specific characters in the whole series, imo, and older characters like Gumshoe really get to shine in this case. The mystery is engaging and I liked how it elaborated more on the corruption hinted at throughout the game. Edgeworth's development in this is great and it felt like a natural lead up to his sabbatical and eventual character switch in AA2. I enjoyed the parallels to Turnabout Sisters a lot, as well. I also enjoyed the minigames, simple though they were. The only real issue I have with the story is that if they wanted me to buy Gant being a 'dark mirror'/parallel to Edgeworth, they should've put more effort into it. That said, I thought this case was way too long. Idk if it has 'bad pacing' or if it's just my shit attention span, but I struggled to get through it and frequently found myself getting bored. That's the main reason it's not ranked higher.

Turnabout Sisters: I WANT to like this more because it's got the set-up for a real heart-wrenching case, but it was just kinda fine to me, at least on a first playthrough. I think it's mostly because I didn't know anything about Maya and Gumshoe, and next to nothing about Mia and Edgeworth, so the characters weren't really hitting for me, and by extension, the emotional stakes fell kinda flat. I also couldn't read Redd White as threatening no matter how hard I tried. That said, I think it was a good introduction for Maya and Edgeworth, and a great first real case of the game that establishes the rules of the world really well. I think I'll like it better on a second playthrough, now that I know more about these characters.

Turnabout Beginnings: This case REALLY suffers from the fact that Terry Fawles is a pedophile and we're just supposed to ignore that. Like this case really went 'yeah your defendant had a 'relationship' with a 14-year-old but LOOK how evil that kid was!! She's manipulating HIM!!' I could not care less about the trial's outcome as a result bc as far as I'm concerned Fawles deserved to die. That said, the saving grace here is that the outcome of the trial was never really the point. The point is to show a look into the past of Mia, Godot, Dahlia, and to a lesser extent, Edgeworth. And on that front, it's very good. I really love the revelation that Mia's 'a lawyer must always smile' mentality came from Diego, and found the scene where he crushed his coffee cup very impactful. And seeing Edgeworth in a palette swapped version of Von Karma's suit imitating his mannerisms was both very funny and very sad. Would be ranked higher of the AA writers had morals, but like, I've read shounen and DC comics, I've ignored worse.

Turnabout Samurai: filler cases time baby!! Okay 'filler' is unfair because they have a purpose in the plot but you get what I mean. Turnabout Samurai is incredibly fun, Will Powers is probably my favourite defendant of all minor characters, and the mystery has some holes if you pay attention, but is overall very solid imo. But the reason this case stands out above the other 'filler' cases is the way it builds on Edgeworth's character. There's a lot of little stuff that seems innocuous but gets a new meaning when his backstory is revealed, and of course, the part where he starts helping you is absolutely great. "I was hoping to come up with something as I was objecting.... I didn't" is one of my fave moments in the whole series. As good as this case is, though, it lacks the emotional stakes the others have, which prevent me from ranking it higher.

The Lost Turnabout: HILARIOUS execution of a tutorial case. Yeah just brain Phoenix in the head with a fire extinguisher, why not. It was so funny it carried me through the case. Plus I really liked the dream sequence opening. But ultimately, it's still a tutorial case, and the mystery is nothing special.

The Stolen Turnabout: Love the phantom thief gimmick, and Ron and Desirée Delite are great characters! I also thought that this was a very, very strong introduction for Godot. But while the mystery is solid, I wasn't terribly invested in it, leading to this case being just kinda fine. Gets points retracted for Larry constantly hitting on Maya.

The First Turnabout: perfectly serviceable first tutorial case, but there's not much to say beyond that. Outshined by almost all other cases.

Recipe for a Turnabout: I actually thought the mystery in this one was really strong, and I love Viola Cadaverinni. But with the creepy waitress thing, the transmisogynistic/homophobic caricature, the fact that Maggey is too young for Gumshoe, and Furio Tigre's Everything, there's just too little left for me to really enjoy. If I need to ignore at least 70% of the case to have a good time, I'm not having a very good time.

Turnabout Big Top: If Turnabout Big Top was a person I'd shoot them in the head and the jail time would be worth it. Fuck this case.

[forasecondtherewedwon]

6 for the music ask!!

Thanks for this!!

Psst, 🥳Anon, I used one of your prompts in this one!

Shuffle #6 landed me on: “Easy to Love” - Ivan & Alyosha

When the sky turns black / And we know it will from time to time / We've been through that / And we came out on top because / You're really easy to love

you know I try (most of the time)

Rating: T Word Count: 1469 music shuffle fic game!

The biggest thing (alright, second biggest thing) Ace feels for Nancy is trust, so when she delivers words so cryptic in both their meaning and their urgency, he strains to keep his feet rooted to the asphalt. I’m doing this for us. He frowns, ignoring Bess and Ryan’s frantic calls for him to join them in getting the hell outta here.

Rejecting Nancy’s instruction to run, Ace goes after her, back towards Temperance and the Veil. If there’s an “us” now, he’s not leaving Nancy to do whatever she has planned alone. Not if there’s a tsunami coming, or demons, or zombies, or just more sedative-laced donuts. His stride is longer, his determination to do this with her equal to hers to take Temperance on single-handedly; he catches her by the arm. The fact that Nancy instinctively tries to pull free doesn’t surprise him, but the tears he sees in her eyes when she turns do.

“Please,” she says, with such desperation that he nearly releases her.

“I don’t understand.”

“Ace—”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“You have to,” Nancy insists. But the thing is, he doesn’t.

She’s so upset though. He thinks he knows why. He brings his other hand to her cheek and Nancy flinches, so of course he drops it. And then she looks like she regrets jerking away from him.

“I’ll do it,” Ace swears. “I’ll kill her. Nancy, you don’t have to do anymore, you’ve done—”

She sniffles, pushing herself from despairing to stern.

“Don’t go near her,” she orders.

Watching her attempt to hide her distress might be even more heartbreaking than watching her feel it openly. He knows that Temperance has tricked and betrayed all of them, manipulated Bess, bled Nancy on multiple occasions, but the reason she was able to get so close to her great-niece still exists: Nancy aches for her mom. She shouldn’t be punished any further for the vulnerability Temperance preyed upon, and the last thing he wants is for killing this two-hundred-year-old Woman in White to hurt his... more than friend. The other half of the “us” Nancy’s apparently acting on behalf of. Unfortunately, there’s no workaround. A living Temperance means Horseshoe Bay getting wiped off the map. Pained, Ace shakes his head.

“We can’t let her live.”

“I know. I’m not trying to protect her from you.” Nancy’s eyes plead with him.

Oh. He gets it now. It’s the other way around.

Respect the feeling behind Nancy’s words or the one in his own chest when he imagines leaving her in this moment? He’s never felt so torn.

“Nancy…” Ace begins, “…I’m either carrying you out of here, or I’m going with you.”

They have a wordless standoff. He could expect anything from her and he’d probably get it wrong. She’s unpredictable and creative and brilliant, and ruthless. It’s possible that she’ll say something so cutting to startle him into letting her go that he won’t be able to forgive her when this is over. He doesn’t know what that would be. He’s sure she could scream anything at him right now—full volume, right into his face—and he wouldn’t take his hand off her to cover his ears.

When her words come, they aren’t loud or cruel.

Nancy looks him in the eye and says, “I love you.”

He is startled into releasing her arm. She doesn’t run. Instead, she picks up the hand that’s fallen and slips her fingers between his, holding tight.

“We don’t have a lot of time,” she tells him, and her eyes are welling again.

No more misunderstandings—Ace knows Nancy’s referring to more than just the rending Veil. He nods.

They run to Temperance and he kicks the glowing piece of Charity’s soul out of her hand. (Sorry, Charity, he thinks. No disrespect.) Nancy retrieves and raises the hatchet.

“Didn’t expect this, did you?” Nancy taunts her, and wow, that seems like a bad idea, but Ace is back at her side as they stand over Temperance together, and he’s finding the power trip staggeringly sexy.

Temperance does appear baffled, and furious, and, for the first time, afraid. Her lips part, but her great-niece cuts her off.

“You didn’t see it coming because it wasn’t my idea, it was his.” Nancy looks at him proudly. Nobody but his mother has ever looked at him like that.

The parking lot witch recovers herself and stares up at them with a venomous smugness.

“So then it won’t be a secret,” she says, “but the curse will still be released.”

“Curse?” Ace asks.

He didn’t hear their full exchange when Nancy closed in on Temperance the first time—this part seems worth catching up on. A curse sounds like something that could stalk them after its speaker is gone and the Veil’s been patched up like any old pothole. If possible, he’d really prefer to remain un-cursed. Agleaca 2.0? No thank you.

“If either of you act on your feelings for each other, you’ll die,” Temperance spits.

Ace glances at Nancy.

“What constitutes acting on our feelings?” he asks. “Would this be like a first base, second base, etcetera system?”

“Any admission,” Temperance says.

“Those are the rules?”

“Yes. I readied this curse at Icarus Hall while you fools were running all over town, trying to track down the third piece of my daughter’s soul.”

Again, the woman is so smug.

“You readied it,” Ace repeats.

“Yes.”

“So it took some effort. You had to be specific.”

“I prepared for this exact outcome,” Temperance brags. Out of the corner of his eye, Ace sees Nancy twitch the hatchet forward, but he really hopes she doesn’t swing it. Not yet.

“Well, you’re too late,” he tells her ancestor.

Temperance looks furious.

“What?”

“I said,” Ace repeats, raising his voice, “you’re too late. Curse won’t work. I told Nancy how I feel about her a couple days ago.”

“I never saw—”

“My mind was fairly confused right after he told me,” Nancy admits. “It gave me a lot to think about and it wasn’t as simple as just deciding to be with Ace. I had to let your good friend Nelson down gently first, and there was the hex you placed on those kids to worry about. I didn’t say anything back to Ace… until just a few minutes ago.”

“Guess you were distracted,” Ace supplies, gesturing towards the Veil that’s smouldering down, denied the last shard of Charity’s soul. “Don’t feel bad. Happens to the best of us, and you’re definitely not one of those.”

On the ground, Temperance is clearly fuming, and terrified.

“It doesn’t matter,” she threatens. “The curse will take.”

“Hmm,” Nancy says. “Maybe.”

She turns to Ace. He raises his eyebrows.

“Contingency plan?” he suggests.

“Better safe than sorry,” she agrees.

Before Temperance can get another word out, Nancy throws all her weight into swinging the broken hatchet down into her face. There’s a pretty gnarly noise on impact. Won’t be getting any words out now with her mouth looking like that.

A mangled moth clambers from the bloody cleft and Nancy stomps it into a powdery smudge on the pavement. Ace winces, but mostly for the stunned expression on her face when he pulls her back by her shoulders. She seems fixated on bearing witnessing as the light leaves her great-aunt’s eyes. Tugging his sleeve over his hand, he carefully dabs the blood spatter from her chin and cheek. Never know what kinda harm that shit would do if left to sink in.

“She’s dead,” Nancy pronounces.

He has to quickly turn her away from the body when she starts to shake, and it’s her that steps close, collapsing forward into him. It’s not like they’ve never hugged before, but Ace suddenly can’t remember how to do it right. He holds her tightly to his chest to steady her—not physically—and overthinks every place he moves his hands. He can feel Nancy’s warm breath fanning under his collar, her cheek against his neck. When he shifts, he feels the resistance where she must have the back of his coat in a fierce grip, and he’d rather wade out to meet the tsunami (that’s hopefully no longer coming) than dislodge her hands.

A quick glance at Temperance shows him she’s crumpled to ash. Maybe she has, like, an anti-reanimation broom and dustpan at Icarus Hall that they can use to sweep that up.

“You said you love me,” he says softly into Nancy’s hair. Maybe it’s a thought that’ll chase darker thoughts away. “Not just to screw up Temperance’s plan?”

Nancy lifts her head.

“She might’ve tried to make my feelings for you about her, but they never existed for her benefit,” she promises.

“For us,” Ace says.

Nancy nods to confirm it.

“For us.”

[desertplanetgentlemen]

Unpopular Opinion Post….

Look… LOOK I’m as big a nace shipper as anyone. Literally a gif set about them made me start watching the show and I reveled in nace crumbs every moment. I love Nancy, I love Ace, I think they’re perfect for each other and I want them to be endgame.

HOWEVER

I’m rewatching the show and noticing some stuff I really don’t like about ace and I worry that he’s been overrated and over-excused by the fandom (me included).

The whole Aglaeca storyline was so intense and people had every reason for tensions to run high and be scared. But it was only Ace who directly accused Nancy of using her friends and putting them in danger. When they suggested calling the Aglaeca, she said no, it’s too dangerous. They all knew the same risks, and they all agreed. Blaming Nancy, who knew just as much about the consequences as they did, is really unfair and kind of cruel. She’s going to die in a matter of days because of a curse incurred to find her mother’s remains. She feels bad enough without one of her closest friends making it clear that she’s responsible for her friends dying. In Gorham woods he implied she was as ruthless as the Hudsons. His judgment is what caused her to take the extreme measure of fighting off the wraith single-handedly. Trying to prove herself to Ace is how the wraith singled her out, attached to her, and almost killed her. And he never apologized for accusing her of Hudson-level murderous selfishness.

NEXT

The thing with Nancy handing over the list of witnesses to the road back. First of all, not only was his life in danger, Grant’s mom’s life was also in danger and he desperately wanted to save her. Ace judged her SO hard for not finding some way to save everybody. Did he judge Grant for handing it over? Would grant have forgiven him if Nancy didn’t hand it over and his mom died as a result? Would ace have handed it over if he and Nancy were swapped? I think he would. I think there were a lot of bad people involved here (the road back, the assassin, Celia) but somehow Nancy got ALL the blame and responsibility.

Okay, I’ve gone on way too long already but it also bothered me seeing how rude Ace was to Grant before he knew he was his brother. The montage shows someone who is not exactly the gentle sweetheart that we think of Ace as.

I guess my point is that I think people have been too hard on Nancy, Ace especially. And I would love some acknowledgment of that on the show. She’s amazing but she’s just a human, and Ace isn’t perfect either.

Okay. Enough rambling… just wanted to vent.

[wakaoujisenhime]

Reference material

Synopsis: While in Hyougo, looking for inspiration for your company’s upcoming fashion chain, you end up meeting some of the former Karasuno and Inarizaki volleyball team members with whom you sit together and recollect.

So how did this seemingly innocent get-together end up with you having former captain Kita and former Libero Nishinoya try out some thigh-flattering clothes?

tags/warnings: suggested Kita x reader x Nishinoya ✅ thigh appreciation/marking/biting ✅ some Kita in a skirt towards the end ✅

A/N: my first and slightly delayed contribution to The Church of Meian’s Thigh July collab! I originally planned to do this scenario for one of the boys but got swayed by the church’s babes to do both, so here it is! (੭˃ᴗ˂)੭ Hope you enjoy and please make sure to check everyone else’s delicious works out as well! ♥️

.wc 4.6k

━━━━☆ ━━━━☆ ━━━━☆

Your heart was thumping hard against your chest as you nervously fiddled with your fingers and looked around your living room. You were so skittish that even the smallest sound made you jump and fixate your vision towards the door of your guest room. After taking a deep breath you tried to let your thoughts wander away from the two men that were just beyond the door you were facing.

How did we even end up in this situation…?

Just this morning you’d arrived in Hyougo per your boss’ request to look for inspiration for your new fashion collection. You wandered for hours, observing farmers, workers, students, and whatnot until you decided to take a much-deserved lunch break, and since you were in the home country of the renowned Miya twins, what place was best suited for a short break than Onigiri Miya?

The moment you’d entered the small and humbly decorated shop, you were greeted by the owner himself and his former volleyball team’s captain Kita. While you exchanged the typical greetings with both men, the blond twin came down from the upper floor and, much to Osamu’s chagrin, joined in on your conversation. Just as you and Kita were about to leave and go back to your respective plans the front door was practically kicked open by a short young man and his two companions.

“Well, I’ll be damned…if it ain’t Karasuno’s libero, ace, and moral cheerleader, what’s got ya so far away from Tokyo?” asked Atsumu in a slightly condescending tone. But before anyone could even comment on that, Nishinoya, who most likely didn’t even hear what the man before him said, spread his arms out and happily suggested that you all stay together and recollect over some delicious onigiri. 

Thanks to everyone’s enthusiasm, you got roped into it as well and ended up being surrounded by several young men who happily jugged one beer after the other and argued about who gets to eat the last piece of meat. 

Fortunately for you, you weren’t the only one that had decided to keep their hands off of alcohol. Nishinoya and Kita had both preferred to stay sober in case something were to happen. 

The time flew by and before you’d noticed the group had started to disperse. Asahi, who was surprisingly sober enough to support Sugawara, had gotten up first, excusing himself and his friend, saying that they had to get up early tomorrow in order to catch their flight back to Tokyo. Minutes later Osamu decided to single-handedly put a stop to Atsumu’s flirtatious behavior to which you’d fallen prey to, so he simply threw his brother over his shoulder, apologized to you three, and asked you to simply turn the “OPEN” sign around when you left as he carried the wiggling man back upstairs. 

“Alright then…I think it’s time for me to leave as well” announced Kita with a small smile as he started preparing himself. With a firm nod, the young man next to him followed suit and you were about to do the same when an idea popped into your head.

“You two live quite far away, right?” you asked as you pointed your finger to Noya who nodded, telling you that the motel he stayed at was almost an hour away, then you directed your finger to the captain who confirmed that his house was situated at a very remote part of Hyougo.

“Then how about you guys stay over at my hotel room? It’s just a walk away from here and thanks to my boss it’s big enough to accommodate an entire volleyball team and its substitutes.”

Both boys couldn’t help but giggle at the metaphor you’d used and despite the small fear of inconveniencing you, they yielded eventually.

Everything was going smoothly at first, you brought them over, showed them around, discussed where they wanted to sleep, and even had some time to sit down and continue your chat from before, but then Kita, as conscious as he was, just couldn’t let your generosity go unpaid.

“(Y/N), I appreciate ya going to such lengths to help us out, but I can’t let this sit on me like that. Please tell me what ya’d like us to do as compensation.”

From the exaggerated way he talked, one would think that you had done some kind of heroic act and his words were unfortunately inspiring enough for Nishinoya to start demanding the same. 

And just like that the two of them had backed you into a corner. You were so overwhelmed that you didn’t know what to tell them so that they were satisfied, but then your eyes caught a glimpse of a red suitcase you had tucked away under the sofa. 

“I…I think I know how you can repay me” you silently announced as your hand reached for the object. Both men remained silent as they waited for your terms.

“You see…the reason I’m here is that I was asked to look for inspiration for our company’s upcoming fashion collection and uh…how should I put this…?” Your internal struggle was obvious and the fact that your cheeks were flushed told the men that whatever you were about to ask wasn’t easy for you, so to take some of your nervousness away, Noya placed one of his hands on top of your and with his other one he gave you a thumbs up.

“W-Would you two be willing to try on some of these clothing pieces and model for me?”

The silence that followed made you anxious and you immediately regretted uttering that question, preparing yourself for a rejection, but before you could take it back Kita giggled, followed by a heart-warming laugh from the former Libero.

“So that’s all? Why are you even hesitating on asking us to model for you?” The nonchalance with which both of them reacted to your request was truly unexpected. While you still tried to process this turn of events, the suitcase was taken from your grasp and the men retreated to the guest room to change into the clothes you’d prepared for them…

And here you were, waiting for them for almost 15 minutes. Your nervousness was partially to blame because you couldn’t quite tell them what kind of clothes you’d tucked away in that red rectangular container and the fact that they were in that room for an unnatural amount of time made you wonder whether they’d given it up.

N-No, calm down! They most likely h-have some difficulties with fitting into the garments, si–

…no wait…didn’t boss give me the medium ones…?

While you panicked internally, you failed to notice the two men that slowly exited the room in front of you and with slow steps closed in on you.

“(Y/N)?”

“W-We finished changin’.”

Their soft voices finally caught your attention, making you instinctively look up and the first thing that you noticed was their legs. 

Kita had chosen the pair of black latex jeans while Noya had settled for the leather ones. With wide eyes, you take in the view before you. The two defense specialists, whose thighs were so well-toned, were wearing such tight and figure-enhancing pants that you just couldn’t help but stare at their lower bodies. 

Being stared at was nothing new for these two, but the way your beautiful and big eyes were fixated on them just because of some unnatural wear, made their cheeks heat up and redden ever so slightly. 

“Sooo should we turn or strike some kind of pose?” asked the brown-haired young man with his usual big grin. Before answering him you had to swallow first and then proceeded by affirming his question. 

”I need to design something that brings out the wearer’s thighs, s-so if you could…bend forward, kneel or something of that sort, i-it might help.“ 

A word and a blow, not even a second passed and you watched as the men before you started to arrange themselves in rather compromising positions. The libero went back a few steps, now facing the couch, raised his left knee, and placed it on the armrest. Kita, on the other hand, moved closer to the soft rug next to you, got on his knees, and though a little challenged by the tightness of his jeans, he stretched his left leg back, while he bent his right one at a 90-degree angle before him.

When they were ready, their eyes darted to you, eagerly awaiting your comment or reaction. You cleared your throat and nodded a few times before praising them for the fitting poses. 

Having two men dressed in these rather kinky garments excited you more than initially expected. The urge to go up to them and get more touchy-feely than necessary grew with each passing second you stared at them, until you decided to blame whatever you were about to do on that one glass of alcohol you had drunk some hours ago.

You walked towards the captain and intentionally circled him a few times at a slow pace. You knew fully well that this pose was difficult to maintain for a long time, but the moment you saw the slight tremble of his legs, you just couldn’t help yourself.

“Kita-san, please try to stand still.”

“Forgive me (Y/N), it’s just–”

“Give me your hands” you suddenly ordered, interrupting whatever he was about to say. He did as told and placed both of his hands in yours, slightly squeezing them for additional support. With a small smile, you explained what you were about to do and asked him whether he could manage to hold his balance for at least a couple more minutes. It took the young man a few seconds to answer, but he was set on repaying you so a little strain was a small price for your kindness. 

You took a deep breath and slowly lifted your hands, causing Kita to raise his own and with them the fabric of his white shirt, revealing the high waist of the latex jeans. 

Oh god…I knew it

“Please hold this position for a little and try to move as little as possible, I’ll have to touch you a couple of times to…to get a better grasp of the material and its effects on your body, ok?”

“G-Got it” answered the captain in a silent voice and closed his eyes. You unobtrusively bit your lower lip as you squat down and gently placed your hands on the man’s waist, an unexpected gesture that managed to educe a surprised gasp from the young man. This trousers’ waist, which was covering the entire abdominal area until it stopped a little over the navel, was designed the same way as a corset, meaning it had ribbons on both sides where your hands now were and an entire row of beautifully designed buttons running down to where his underwear probably began. 

You slowly moved his shirt up and savored the sight of his slightly trembling abdominal muscles, then continued down to his thighs, his delicious thighs. If you thought the tremble of his tummy was satisfying to look at then ready yourself for something even better. The way he tensed his muscles up every time your fingers trailed his body, combined with his reddened cheeks and slightly heavy breathing made you want to tease him even more and you did. 

“Ok Kita-san I want you to let yourself fall back as slowly as you can and when you’re lying on your back, please stretch out both of your legs so that your soles point to the ceiling” you commanded while you hooked your arm behind his back for the additional support he needed to perform the thing you asked of him. If it weren’t for your hand that didn’t let up even once from his left thigh, his movements might have been a tad more elegant. 

After almost a minute you had the young man on his back with his legs outstretched, just as you wanted…but was this enough?

“Please don’t be surprised, but I have to…step on you”

“Wha–” 

Kita’s wide brown eyes looked up at you in embarrassment as he felt your foot gently push against the back of his thigh. His hand immediately darted to both his mouth and your leg, but before his trembling fingers could reach you, you began moving your foot ever so slightly from one side to the other, enjoying how pleasant the plush skin beneath your sole felt. You’d lost yourself for a second and failed to notice just how close your foot was to the man’s most sensitive area and if it weren’t for the silent mewl that reached your ear, you most likely would’ve stepped on it as well.

In a slight panic, you set down the former captain’s legs and helped him sit upright.

“I-Is that enough (Y/N)..?” he then asked in a silent voice as he tried to look away from both you and Nishinoya, attempting to hide his flushed cheeks and the small tears in the corner of his eyes. You would’ve loved to go even further but seeing him that disheveled forced you to give him a break, at least while you were busy with the other boy behind you.

The two of you watched as the young man retreated into the guest room on wobbly legs. You sighed to yourself, your conscience nagging you with questions such as why you had to go so far and what you were even thinking, and just as you were about to sit back down on the floor Noya’s cheerful voice chirped in: “And, what am I supposed to do?”

When your eyes focused on the shorter man you saw him strike his earlier pose once again with a satisfied grin on his face. Looking at him genuinely enjoying himself made you smile and you wondered whether he’d be able to hold out more than the man before him.

“Could you…step on me?”

He was quite taken aback by your question and his slightly flushed cheeks let on that he was more embarrassed by your request than he might’ve expected. It didn’t take him long to agree though, which in turn caught you off guard.

As he slowly closed the distance between you two, you used this opportunity to take a better look at the pair of jeans he’d picked out. In contrast to Kita’s, Nishinoya’s were made out of leather. They seemed looser and if it weren’t for the laces that were tied around his thighs, up until they reached the area a little above his knees, you were sure that they wouldn’t have fit him. Additionally to this little perk, the designer had chosen to cut from the leg opening up to the middle of the wearer’s shins and then cord it, similarly as most sneakers, making this particular set of trousers more skin-revealing than the former one you “inspected”.

The moment the man was finally in front of you, he didn’t lose any more time than necessary and immediately asked where he should put his foot. With a satisfied smile, you explained that your shoulder was the main goal, but if the laces were too tightly bound then he could set his foot down lower, on your chest for example.

You watched as the young man slowly raised his left leg and as carefully as he could positioned it right between your neck and shoulder. Thanks to the slight tremble of his foot it was easy for you to tell that he didn’t put his entire weight on you, most likely out of fear of injuring you. A small grin adorned your lips as you moved your shoulder a bit and watched Noya freak out and almost lose his balance and fall down. Luckily for him, your reactions were quicker than his and you had taken a tight hold of his leg and hips, supporting him as well as making sure that he didn’t ruin his position. But now, thanks to your little escapade, he was forced to lean on you, so except having one hand on your shoulder and the other on your head, his crotch was dangerously close to your face.

“Um…(Y/N)? C-Can I just redo the pos–“

“Don’t move…this is perfect!”

Confused by your sudden enthusiasm, the young man took a glance down at you and saw how intensely you started at both his thighs and groin. Not wanting to embarrass himself any further, Noya copied the man before him and closed his eyes, giving you the freedom of doing whatever you wanted yet again.

You didn’t want to admit it, but there wasn’t a better way this could’ve worked out. Not only were you able to see how the tightly bound laces made some of his flesh bulge out in between them, but also how these pants had neither a button nor a zipper, and the wearer had to make use of the strings, that circled their thighs, to steady them. You slowly opened your mouth and bit the end of the laces, tugging on them slightly.

“W-Wait, if you do that then-!”

With a smile plastered on your face, you loosened the bow just enough that only the knot remained and murmured: “Sorry, had to make sure that such flashy trousers were sturdy enough to withstand a feline’s possible attack.”

A weak excuse which’s logic he first had to comprehend while you made use of his confused state in order to place your hands on his buttocks and squeeze them as much as the fabric allowed you to. While your hands kneaded his firm buttcheeks, you rubbed your cheek on his thigh, explaining that you and to test whether this design was comfortable for pets. You remained that way for a couple of minutes and softly kissed the young man’s trained leg before slapping his ass a few times, and finally allowing him to stand by himself.

To escape any uncomfortable questions from him, you quickly reached for the notepad you’d placed on top of the decorative table close to you and started scribbling down some nonsense, giving off the impression that whatever you were doing right now was truly work-related and not simply for your own pleasure. Only when you heard the door to the guest room shut behind him did you look up, burying your face in your hands not short after.

Just what am I doing, using them like that…?

Your excuse of using them as reference material was somewhere true, but stepping on Kita and kneading Nishinoya’s ass were not necessary advances you’d done only for the sake of satisfying your curiosity.

Left alone with your guilt, you waited for another ten minutes wondering once more what took them so long. As far as you remember, your boss had only put in these two sets of trousers and two other special items he refused to elaborate on further, telling you to find out for yourself. Now that you thought back, you remembered the pervy grin your boss had shot you after mentioning the suitcase and its mysterious contents, and you couldn’t help but be curious as to what the two men were about to put on and present you.

Speak of the devil, not even a second after you’d formulated your thought and the door opposite of you cracked open as the two young men slowly walked out.

I’m done for…

Before you stood the former Inarizaki captain with what looked like to be a schoolgirl’s skirt and fishnet tights, next to him Karasuno’s legendary guardian of the backcourt with overknee black stockings that he’d attached to his black boxer shorts with the help of a leather garter belt. 

Saying that you were at a loss for words was an understatement, this was absolutely jaw-dropping. Now that their legs were almost entirely exposed you just had to come up with some type of irrefutable excuse that would make it possible for you to not only touch their bare skin but also taste it.

You crossed your arms in front of your chest and covered your mouth with your hand, giving them the impression that you were lost deep in your thoughts when in reality you tried to hide your blushing cheeks.

“Ok before I do anything, I need to ask you guys if…if you can deal with pain” you began and observed how they looked at each other and then slowly nodded. 

In order to make up for your earlier teasing, you decided to directly tell them what you were planning this time, instead of keeping them in the dark.

“I need to test something out…you see, with such revealing pieces of clothing the buyers often focus on how good pantyhose such as these can hide markings or injuries, s-so I need to mark your thighs as reference” you paused and gave them a couple of seconds to process the explanation you’d offered them before continuing, “the way I want to mark you guys, will have to be with…my teeth. Usually, we’d use a marker or makeup, but neither of those would produce good results with these particular choices of material, especially Nishinoya’s might pose a bigger problem than the ones on Kita-san.”

While you dished out something that sounded professional enough to convince them, you were surprised at yourself and your creativity concerning these white lies. The moment you’d wrapped up your monologue you intended to give them some space so that they could think it over, but much to your surprise, they were quicker on board than expected.

“Are you two s-sure? I mean…I’m asking to bite your thighs here, you know?”

Nishinoya put both his hands on his hips and puffed his cheeks out as he answered: “Yeah so what of it? It won’t be the first time my thighs end up bruised.”

“I agree n’ more than that, we promised to do anythin’ to repay ya, remember?” added Kita with a small smile.

Yes of course…anything to repay me, huh?

The captain’s last few words left a bitter feeling behind, but you shoved it aside and figured that both of them most likely used that excuse to fulfill their own fantasies, just like you did, so in a sense you guys were even, right?

You focused on their legs once more and decided to start with Nishinoya first, so you commanded him to slowly remove the garter belt on his right leg, but the moment his nimble fingers had taken a hold of the leather you immediately stopped him.

“It might be better if someone who has no experience with it takes it off…Kita-san, please undo it for him.”

A small nod that represented said man’s answer was all you got before he got on one knee and started undoing the accessory. You had to admit that the older man’s overly gentle and careful way of loosening the small buckle warmed your heart, but regarding the entire picture, namely Kita in a skirt, kneeling, which caused the fishnet pattern around his legs to dig into his skin, making the plush of his thighs stick out, while Nishinoya stood above him in nothing but a shirt, boxers, and of course, the black stockings that perfectly hugged his toned legs, made your heart thump harder against your chest with each passing second.

Kita whispered a silent done and got back on his feet as he gently unclipped the garter belt from the libero’s briefs, letting it fall along the perfect curves of the young man’s leg. With a small nod, Noya readied himself for you and tried to somehow position his arms so that they don't get in your way. 

You copied the white-haired young man before you, kneeling and softly rolling down the black fabric, exposing some of his slightly tanned skin. With your right hand, you steadied his hips, minimizing his movements, and with your left, which you hooked under his thigh, you were now able to turn or raise it the way you needed. To avoid a similar fall from before, you asked if the captain could support Nishinoya, which he affirmed and got behind him, taking a hold of his hands and whispering something that sounded like I’m here, don’t be afraid, I got you.

God, these two…

You turned the young man’s leg in such a way that the inner side of his thigh was facing you and slowly let your teeth sink in his flesh, gradually hardening your bite until it almost pierced his skin. Millimeters before you could draw blood, you stopped and let your tongue glide along the marks you left behind. Without moving yourself too much, you simply turned his leg a little to the side and once again planted your mouth on his still flawless skin, but this time you gently clamped a portion of his flesh between your teeth, started sucking on it until it reddened and finally took on a bluish-purple tone, only then did you let up completely, licked your lips and looked up. The young man above you was leaning on Kita’s shoulder, panting slightly, and looking down at you through half-lidded eyes. You swallowed audibly, rolled the black fabric back up, and gently patted his thigh as a form of release. While he recomposed himself, you took a step back and looked at what you’d accomplished. The bite mark you’d left behind on his inner thigh was barely visible, the hickey on the other hand was quite eye-catching. 

You once again grabbed the notebook and scribbled something in it while Kita praised the young man with a rather awkward smile and tried to prepare himself mentally next for what was about to come.

At first, you confirmed the former captain’s readiness, then proceeded to ask Nishinoya for support this time, and finally offered your upper leg for him as some kind of footstep for him to step on, just so you could see his flesh stick out from the rhombus-shaped patterns of his stockings and poke at them for a short while. You asked him questions such as whether he felt uncomfortable or if it hurt when the string-like material pressed down on his skin, only when he answered these questions negatively did you place your hand on his leg, moved closer, and bit down on his stockings, tearing them easily with your bare teeth. That unexpected action of yours successfully managed to make the young man take a deep breath and cause him to hold on tighter to Noya’s hands.

At this point, you couldn’t even bother to come up with an excuse and simply started biting down on the exposed skin. You were so lost in observing how the teeth marks and hickeys you left behind gradually darkened, that only when Kita placed his hand on top of your head did you look up to see his cheeks redder than before and a small smile adorning his lips.

You gave the injuries you’d inflicted a gentle kiss and once again returned to scribbling in the notebook.

“How long do ya plan on keepin’ that fake writin’ up?” 

The sudden question caught you off guard, causing you to stop writing mid-stroke.

“W-What…?”

With wide eyes, you looked at both men who started at you with their mesmerizing sharp eyes. 

Nishinoya extended his hand towards you with a smile and said: “I’m sure you still need more references for your designs, right? So just come over here and do whatever you’d like…”

…we still have to properly pay you back after all

And with that, you finally dropped the notebook, and your act along with it. Now that you were aware of their true intentions and feelings there was no need for you to hold back anymore. 

A few more experiments weren’t going to harm anyone, right? 

Since all of this was for the upcoming fashion chain…right?

It’s not like you’d planned all of this out beforehand…

…right?

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

Marauders 26:

(spoilers below cut)

This issue was two largely unnecessary, but I guess getting Harry Leland back into the fold is a good thing.

Most of the story is setting up Harry Leland, who after his resurrection is now going to be Krakoa’s representative at the UN.  I don’t mind any of that.  I DO mind the reveal that Shinobi Shaw is actually the bastard son of Harry, not Sebastian.  Apparently both of them were seeing Shinobi’s mother, she came for money claiming that one of them was the father, and Sebastian took Shinobi as his own.  Sebastian also seems to know this, as he willingly admits it to Harry.  So did Sebastian know all along?  Did he only find out about Shinobi after Harry’s death, and so was keeping his friend’s child in honor of him?  It isn’t clear. 

In the other plot, Fin Fang Foom attackers the Marauders completely out of nowhere, wanting to steal their whiskey supply, and Iceman single-handedly beats the shit out of him, by growing to a giant-sized version of himself.  It’s pretty cool, and I guess a follow up on the “Bobby learning to be a badass” story arc he’s been getting (when Duggan actually bothers to focus any attention on him.)

The good:

Bobby gets to have a kickass moment showing off his omega-level powers.  And after he saved everyone last issue with the ice ball in space, that’s two in a row.

Speaking of remembering characters, Christian Frost got to have a cameo.  He and Bobby didn’t really get to talk at all, but he did get to yell out “Bobby!” in alarm when FFF crushed Bobby’s ice form.  (He reformed just fine.) 

Pyro wasn’t seen in this issue at all, and I am vibrating with rage as promised (for some reason, Duggan refuses to include Pyro in specific battles where he could actually shine and do something cool, like the King in Black, since the symbiote is weak to fire, and this battle with a fire-breathing dragon).  But I’d imagine Duggan needed Pyro out of the way to give Bobby his big moment.  More importantly, Pyro IS mentioned in a letter from Emma to Harry Leland.  Apparently Pyro helped write Leland’s official “back story” to explain where he’s been all this time, and why he appeared to be dead.  And honestly, I really like that.  Not only did Duggan give an earlier shout-out to Pyro as a novelist, but now the team is actually using Pyro’s writing skills.  I genuinely appreciate that, so thanks, Duggan.

Sebastian is written with some actual dignity in this issue, and we see his camaraderie and friendship with Leland.  At one point they get into a drunken scuffle and fall into a hole together and then laugh it off, and it feels like a nice moment.  I guess Sebastian gets to be a real character instead of a strawman after he’s been thoroughly crushed beneath Emma’s spike heel. 

Shinobi gets a hug.  He doesn’t understand what that hug is, but he gets one.

The bad:

Poor Bishop is Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Comic.

There was virtually no reason for Callisto to be with the crew during the Fin Fang Foom attack.  Christian at least has been absent for awhile, and got to show brief concern for Bobby, but he didn’t really have anything to do, either.  I mean, I like seeing Callisto, but I’m guessing she was just a stand-in for Pyro, so he couldn’t steal Iceman’s thunder. 

For that matter, there was no reason for FFF at all.  He came out of nowhere to raid their booze, and added nothing to the story, other than giving Iceman a monster to thrash.  But I guess sometimes comics have to throw the random enemy at the heroes.  Better than the Star Wars parody nonsense in issue 24.

Shinobi is now Harry’s son rather than Sebastian’s, and just.....ugh.  MUST you, Duggan?  We already had Sebastian’s romance with Lourdes retconned out from under him, so that Emma could be even more of a girlboss.  The only good thing I can say about this is that it seems like Sebastian was trying to do the right thing when he took Shinobi on as his own, and he hands Shinobi over to Harry without hesitation.

So I guess I’m glad that Shinobi will have an actual nice father figure from now on, but it feels like more unnecessary deconstruction of everything that Sebastian is. 

I suppose I could hope that Leland and Shaw will be Shinobi’s two gay dads from now on. 

[blush-and-books]

13, 15, and 19 queen

The way that the ones I write for you are always longer :)

13, 15 and 19: Forehead kisses, big warm hugs, and peppering kisses all over someone’s face.

High school AU because I like. Was written while listening to TSwifts new album. Look out for my Juke x Willow analysis tomorrow. 

It’s a stressful morning. A big morning. A meaningful morning. 

Julie’s calculus final. 

Her semester grade may or may not have been riding on this single exam, and her ability to play in the band may or may not have been riding on her semester grade.

The deal she had struck with her father and Victoria was that she would get above a C+ in the class, nothing equivalent or less. While Julie was smart, her gifted kid burnout really smoldered in calculus, and her C+ laughed at her every time she checked her grades. She had a B a couple of weeks ago, but a C- on a quiz and a B- on the last test before the final set her up to fail.

If she can ace this test -- which all the guys had been helping her study for all week -- then her grade could go up, because the final is worth double a regular test grade. And all she needs is a little B- or B to keep doing what she loves to do. 

Even though he shows up three minutes before final bell every day, Luke makes the effort to show up with five minutes to spare this morning so that he can bring Julie the coffee he bought her. 

(He actually had a good reason to almost be late this morning.)

He finds her wringing her hands together next to his locker, which is luckily in the same hall as her math class. She’s so caught in her world of stress that it takes him standing right in front of her for her to see him. 

“Jules?”

The sound of his voice startles her. 

“Luke! Sorry, I was just-”

“Reviewing in your head? I expect nothing less from you.” His right hand extends out to her, holding the gift of a large coffee cup, still warm. “Lavender black tea latte with vanilla syrup. For the girl who is going to kill her test today.”

She looks at the cup like it’s about to ruin her day, but takes it anyways.

“A bit of a premature celebration, isn’t it? I feel jinxed now.”

Luke’s face falls. But, being the tough guy he is, he makes a considerable attempt to shield his disappointment. 

“I’m not jinxing you. It’s a good luck coffee. You’ll get another one when you-” She glares daggers at him, not wanting him to superstitiously ruin her grade. “Sorry! When you… Forget everything and bomb the test.”

When her face wrinkles up with concern, Luke is internally punching himself in the face. He’s been Julie’s best friend for three years and somehow still fucks up every time he wants to comfort her. 

(Probably because he has a massive crush on her and is worried that when he supports her, he’ll expose himself and make things awkward and-)

He throws his arms around her instead. One around her waist and the other tugging her shoulders close to him; and he kisses her forehead once, twice, three times. 

(Exposed crush be damned.)

“I’m sorry I’m so shitty at this,” he whispers. He feels her right hand, the one without the coffee in it, curl into his shirt. Her sigh blows lightly against his ear.

“You’re okay. I’m just freaking out.”

“You are,” he begins, right in her ear, “so smart, so talented, and the biggest badass this school has ever seen. In one minute, you’re going to make this test your bitch. Does that sound good?”

She pulls away, which normally he would complain about, but this time he won’t. Her smile keeps him as warm as her arms do. 

“Probably the best pep talk you’ve ever given me, Patterson. You’re getting better.”

His brain short-circuits while contemplating if that was any attempt at flirting, but then the school bell rings, and she’s yelling a thank-you at him from down the hall as she makes her way to calculus. 

His heart swells as he watches her bounce into the classroom, and hopes that if anyone in the universe is listening to his thoughts, that they also have the power to help her pass the test.

--

That weekend, Julie is too focused on reloading the online gradebook on her laptop than writing with Luke. He knows she’s anxious to see the results, but he was more hoping that songwriting with him could distract her from her anxieties. 

“Anything yet?” 

(He can’t nag her about it, because that’s just rude. All he can do is support her.)

He watches in anticipation as she hits reload, again, but a familiar red dot lingers next to the listing of her calc class: The red dot meaning that something has been added to the gradebook. 

“It’s there!” She essentially screams, temporarily leaping up from the piano bench before sitting back down, and automatically setting her fingernails up in her mouth to bite them. “Oh my God, what if I failed? What if I still have a C+, or a C-, or a D, oh my God-”

“Jules, you passed.”

“But what if I didn’t?”

“I know you. You passed.”

Julie doesn’t say anything -- only stares at the computer in contempt. Luke, boldly, slides the computer over to himself and angles it away from her. 

“I’m going to check, okay?”

She doesn’t say no. He opens the link where all of her graded assignments in her calculus class are, and there it is:

98/100

“Oh my God,” he mutters, clearly in awe. 

Well, maybe not so clearly, because panic flashes in Julie’s eyes. 

“Oh my God?! Is that bad?”

“Jules… You got a 98. Out of 100. You got an A. An A+. Your grade is a B.”

The way that her jaw drops and her hands dart up to pull the computer back in her direction is priceless. Luke is only grinning at her, because he knew she could do it -- if anyone could, it’s her. 

“I did it,” she whispers to herself. “Holy shit, I did it!”

There she goes again, bouncing off of the piano bench, and jumping around on the cold floor of her garage in fuzzy socks and making Luke wonder how much love and sunshine and energy can go in one little body. He doesn’t hesitate to join her, standing up himself. 

“Yes you did! I knew you could do it, Julie. I never doubted-”

He’s cut off by the impact of her body throwing itself against him in a tight, energized hug. Pride swells in his heart. 

He lets himself lift his arms around her waist, indulging in the feeling of holding her so close. She’s this beautiful, magnetic force of nature that he had surrendered to long ago. 

“You’re amazing, Jules.”

The feeling of her lips against his cheek sends him practically spiraling. 

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” she grins at him. “You studied with me day and night even though you aren’t in calculus and didn’t know a thing, but you quizzed me and worked with me and-”

He kisses her. Like, on the lips. 

(Yeah. He’s surprised too.)

It was just watching her glow, like the star she is, and she gets so animated when she talks and even though she single-handedly saved the future of their band she’s praising him for holding flashcards in front of her face and he loves her. She’s too much and at the same time she wasn’t enough; so he kissed her. 

And she doesn’t pull away. 

It’s… Charged. That’s his way to describe it. There’s so much excitement in their embrace that the kiss is strong and determined and God it’s been a long time coming. 

When they pull away, she isn’t yelling at him for violating her or coming onto her, so he keeps himself close by letting his lips brush along her jaw, and then her cheek; followed by her nose, eyelids, forehead, and really anywhere. It was like there was all of this love was pouring out of him but it was only meant to be put on her.

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispers into her skin, thrilled by the goosebumps he sees as a result. 

“I love you,” she sighs, and he desperately wants to know if she means that in the best friend way she’s always used it or if she’s finally joining him on the flip side, where he’s been waiting for her. But he doesn’t want to pry. 

So he settles with repeating her words back to her, and she’s able to feel his lips form every word against her neck, and he lets her pull him back in for another kiss. 

They can figure out anything else later.

[ketumii]

gorillaz headcanons i’ve conjured up over the years

a little long, but i’m posting this as a ref for myself and future art/fics :) what are your headcanons?

- Murdoc quotes memes wrong all the time, unironically. This infuriates Noodle, and 2D usually has to calm her down afterwards.

- Russel competes in drag competitions in his spare time. The others like to buy him accessories for his birthday.

- Murdoc anonymously votes for Russel in these competitions whenever he can. Nobody knows about this.

- Russel and Murdoc have comforted each other during drunken stupors many, many times.

- Ace had trouble understanding 2D’s thick accent during his time in the band. It was super awkward.

- Noodle sat Ace down once and tried explaining the lore of Gorillaz to him. He didn’t understand any of it, and is still confused to this day.

- Murdoc used to be terrified of Russel, but now finds immense comfort in his company.

- Murdoc and 2D try to one-up each other all the time.

- Murdoc has always been self conscious about his eyebrows, but 2D convinces him to uncover them on occasion.

- Murdoc is also incredibly, INCREDIBLY self conscious about his height and envies 2D immensely over it. This is the reason he wears boots all the time.

- Noodle used to sneak into Murdoc’s Winnebago as a kid whenever there was a thunderstorm.

- Noodle is deathly afraid of fire, heights, and loud noises thanks to the events of Demon Days.

- Russel can list every band member’s favorite thing off the top of his head. Upon realizing this, Murdoc, 2D and Noodle came together in an effort to find out what all of Russel’s favorite things were.

- 2D is great with kids.

- Murdoc used to have to steal food and clothes out of the trash before the band was formed. He is now very possessive of these things.

- 2D hits his head on low hanging objects a lot.

- Russel and 2D like to stargaze and meditate together.

- Noodle once tried teaching 2D Japanese, but he was really bad at it.

- 2D then tried teaching himself French, but he was also really bad at that. 

- 2D’s mother has a habit of rambling, while his father is super awkward and hard to hear. 2D inherited a combination of both these traits.

- 2D has zero self awareness and will blast music and horror movies from his phone in public.

- Murdoc collects weird mugs.

- 2D collects expensive watches.

- Noodle collects creepy toys she finds at yard sales/thrift stores.

- Russel collects broken appliances.

- Noodle and 2D like to style each other’s hair. 

- 2D is a huge advocate for platonic kissing.

- 2D has tried helping Noodle go vegan, but she loves sushi and chicken nuggets too much to commit.

- Russel is a master of Monopoly, which infuriates Murdoc, who feels he should be a natural at it.

- Russel and Noodle perform an intense workout routine every week. 2D and Murdoc tried to join them once, but 2D promptly passed out and Murdoc broke his own foot with a dumbbell. 

- Murdoc took Noodle to a strip club as a birthday surprise one year. She ended up having to drive them home when Murdoc got shitfaced and threatened the bouncer.

- Murdoc still ruffles Noodle’s hair like he did when she was a kid, much to her annoyance. 

- Noodle simps for Lola Bunny.

- 2D is a monsterfucker.

- Murdoc can drive well irl but absolutely sucks at Mario Kart (and most video games, honestly).

- He really, REALLY enjoyed GTA 5 though. 2D and Noodle couldn’t pry him away from the game for a good month when he first played it.

- 2D loves moving things an inch away from their original position just to mess with Murdoc.

- 2D cracks his joints in the loudest, most obnoxious way possible, and can never seem to stop shaking his legs.

- 2D and Noodle send each other the raunchiest, most grotesque furry porn they can find. They are in an unspoken competition to find the worst of the worst.

- If Murdoc doesn’t make a conscious effort not to, he will always touch or lean on whoever is near him.

- Russel can recall animal facts on the fly.

- Russel used to be really into making taxidermy. 2D thinks this is the coolest thing ever, but would never have the heart or stomach to do it himself. 

- Russel is jealous that 2D is so good at crocheting and wishes he had the nimble fingers required to do it. 

- Russel was honestly hurt when Noodle got her first tattoo. Not that he didn’t like it, he just didn’t want to acknowledge that she was growing up.

- Murdoc and 2D have each other’s faces tattooed somewhere on their body. This was the result of a drunken bet lost on both parts.

- Russel was the first person Noodle came out to. He was also the first person Murdoc came out to.

- Murdoc tries getting Noodle a girlfriend every time they go out together. This has only ever ended horribly. 

- Murdoc got 2D hooked on chewing toothpicks instead of his nails.

- Noodle thought Murdoc’s raven Cortez was so cool she tried catching her own pet bird, a vulture she found eating the corpse of a zombie in the yard of Kong Studios. It failed horribly and she almost got dragged off the cliff. Russel got her Katsu instead.

- Noodle once tried stealing Murdoc’s porn magazines as a prank, but accidentally stumbled upon his collection of nudes and raunchy fanmail. The memory still haunts her. 

- 2D is interested in tons of things and has considered becoming a dentist, a model, a lawyer, a camp counselor, a filmmaker, a zookeeper and a teacher.

- 2D often speaks without thinking and has lost many potential romantic partners because of it.

- Noodle is a little jealous that 2D can lick his elbows.

- Russel has the most charm out of all of them, no questions asked.

- Murdoc likes to appear as if he knows a lot about cars, but Russel is always the one who fixes them.

- 2D and Murdoc have tased each other. 

- Murdoc taught Noodle how to dance. 2D and Russel have walked in on this several times, much to Murdoc’s embarrassment. 

- Murdoc unapologetically wears makeup and scoffs at anyone who calls it “girly”.

- Branching off of this, Murdoc does everyone’s makeup.

- Russel is plagued with nightmares, which is why he’s always tired.

- Russel and Noodle have had too many offscreen adventures to count, many of which involving them nearly dying or being sued (don’t even get Russel started on the time Noodle climbed into the tiger pen at the zoo and single-handedly fought them all off).

- Russel likes going to odd conventions (washing machine con, vacuum con, etc.) The others are always surprised and extremely confused whenever he mentions he’s going to one, and it’s never the same one twice.

- Murdoc has misophonia.

- 2D has dyspraxia.

- Noodle has tons of secret social media accounts she uses to mess with fans.

- Murdoc is scared of apes.

- 2D isn’t one for confrontation, but god help you if you get a horror movie fact wrong.

- 2D and Noodle stay up late and watch true crime/conspiracy documentaries together.

- Russel once sat Noodle down to give her ‘The Talk’ about drugs and alcohol, but was surprised to discover that Murdoc already had.

[aromantic-enjolras]

Liveblogging Les Mis the musical: Part 2

As y’all seemed to really like the first part of this, I’m going to post a second one. If you’re new here, basically I’m watching the Les Mis Madrid recording that @partloma sent me for the first time, and posting my thoughts on it right afterwards. Today, I watched the second act!

Well, I’ll be completely honest: I restarted from ‘One Day More’ because I love that song. And I think I squeed at Enjolras even more than yesterday. Which is a feat in itself.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the musical does Javert very very dirty with this whole “I’m going to spy on the Army” deal. Javert in the book is there to find their weak points, but he does it silently, he doesn’t try to actively pull them into a trap. There’s a difference.

Also, we know that he’s a cop and so he will be fine, but... he’s supposed to go spy on the National Guard wearing a Revolutionary flag around his waist?? I know people mock the movie for putting Javert in a police uniform during that part of the story, but this one goes too far in the other direction.

The actress playing Éponine is fantastic. I’m not entirely happy with her voice, she sounds a bit too poppy for my taste, but she’s such a good performer. I can feel every single one of her emotions so vividly. Also, her Éponine is a cutie. From the little I remember, she feels closer to her book counterpart than Samantha Barks’ portrayal in the movie, she acts more like a kid.

They’ve completely changed the meaning of ‘A Little Fall of Rain’?? I know translating is always a challenge, but here it’s very stark. At least the way I understand it, in the English version Éponine knows she’s dying, and she’s just happy that Marius is with her while she does. She’s resigned to it. In the Spanish version, it sounds like she actually thinks she’s going to be fine???

Having Enjolras do the sign of the cross as Éponine’s corpse passes by is... a choice.

In ‘Drink with Me’, when Grantaire starts to get gloomy, Enjolras looks at him and opens his arms like ‘you done?’ and I find it very funny. Not the most heartbreaking or shippy interaction, but I like it. It has personality.

Gavroche’s death was a little underwhelming, to be honest. I get that you can’t have a kid die front and center, but the way it is all behind the barricade, and you don’t even see the corpse... I don’t know, I was expecting it to be much more impressive.

THERE IS NO ‘IF YOU PERMIT IT’ MOMENT??? Enjolras just dies at the barricade and Grantaire never comes up again?? I feel cheated!! Is that a choice from this production, or does the musical just omit that scene?? Because I understand cutting stuff for time constraint reasons, but.... not that one!!!

This musical came so close to acknowledging that women were a part of the revolutionary movements too. I was so happy to see that the barricades were mixed... and then Enjolras went “women and children leave”. ¬¬

Okay, you can say that I’m nitpicking here (this is the part of the Brick I’m the most familiar with), but without the context of “there are only so many Guard uniforms”, Enjolras’ choice to stay at the barricade after telling the “women and children” to leave, because nobody is coming to help them, is just weird. If he knows they have no chances of coming out of this alive, why are they staying? It kind of looks like they’re all suicidal. :/

This musical may have single-handedly made ‘Bring Him Home’ into my favourite song of the musical. The actor sings it so prettily. It’s soft and it’s tender and the music is spectacular. Easily my favourite moment of the recording.

I’m kind of disappointed at myself that I haven’t full-on sobbed at any point. I did tear up pretty badly at ‘Empty Chairs at Empty Tables’, though. That choice of making all the dead people come back out as shadows and pick up the candles is one of the most inspired moments in the entire musical.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: having someone actually mourn the Amis is one of the things I think the musical improved on its source material. Have their deaths be short if you want, but for me it is the pain of those who stay alive that drives home the tragedy of it all.

Why aren’t the reprises of the songs in the Cast Recordings?? The reprise of ‘Master of the House’ is almost song-length, and I actually like the reprise of ‘A Heart full of Love’ with Valjean better than I like the original...

Valjean doesn’t really try to trick Marius into thinking he’s a Bad Criminal in this version, he just tells him he went to jail for stealing bread and served his time. Which kind of makes Marius willingness to let him die alone and subsequent change of mind a little weird. If he doesn’t think Valjean is a murderer, why does discovering he isn’t make any difference to him?

 FUCK YEAH THE FINALE IS AWESOME.

Let’s be honest, I have a lot more thoughts than that, but this is getting ungodly long already, so I’m going to stop here. If you want more, just tell me! ^^

[uglymanchronicles]

Ugly Man Chronicles Reignition Book 2 Chapter 2: My Breakfast With Evan

Just a couple dudes getting to know each other.

“If you must know,” Evan sighed, spearing a glistening sausage on the end of a flimsy plastic fork, “my jackass older sister thought it would be hilarious to give me a cupcake she'd baked with about a dozen powdered viagra for my fifteenth birthday. I wound up passing out eventually. Burst a lot of blood vessels. Damaged the erectile tissue beyond usefulness.”

Titus froze mid-coffee-sip. “Seriously? What a bitch!”

“Buddy, you don't know the half of it.”

“So... no signs of life down there?”

“Nothing for twelve years.”

“I think I would literally kill myself.”

“It's not so bad, I guess. At least I don't have to drain the blood out of it any more.”

“Eugh! Fuck! Did not need to hear that!”

“Well, maybe you shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answer to.”

“Do you get, like, blue balls all the time, then?”

“That's basically my ground state of being.”

Titus whistled flatly, avoiding looking Evan in the eye. He settled for staring at the table. There wasn't a lot of Evan's face that he felt comfortable looking at; every part seemed to at least be adjacent to some unpleasantry or another. About the only safe area was his right eye, which, as luck would have it, was directly opposite Titus's 'good' eye. Titus rallied and met Evan's gaze again. “Alright, your turn.”

They'd agreed on a sort of mutual interview process, taking turns asking questions to suss out what the other was capable or if he was worth having around. Evan took a bite out of the sausage and chewed thoughtfully for a moment.

“Who's Moreno?”

Titus hissed through his teeth. “A real piece of shit.”

“I'm going to need more than that.”

“I'm getting to it. He's basically, like... a freelance henchman? Like, sort of a mercenary criminal. Sells his services to the highest bidder.”

“And why's he matter?”

“That's another question.”

“No, it is not,” Evan said, quiet and serious. “Do not argue with me in bad faith, Titus. I have very little patience for it in the best of times.”

Titus regarded him for a long moment. The man across from him was wider than the table they sat at. His muscles were so pronounced in some points that Titus could tell when he was about to move by the way they bulged and contracted. Yet he gave the impression that he was constantly trying to pull himself inward, to make himself smaller. He spoke quietly and with a simple formality, but only hours before Titus had watched him single-handedly beat down some of the nastiest people he'd met in the past month.

Hmm.

“Fine. Moreno matters because I'm after the guy he's working for. You see, Moreno isn't just a normal scumbag. He works for people who need nasty things done. Not like regular nasty, either. How much do you actually know about magic?”

“I've got some... notes. So far I'm not able to find a lot of coherent rules. It mostly seems like it relies on things that nobody would normally do.”

Titus snapped his fingers and pointed at Evan. “Hit it right on the head. Rituals, reagents, that kind of thing... the reason—well, one of the reasons—magic doesn't just happen all the time by accident is that it's all weird little things. A lot of the more heavy magic relies on some pretty elaborate and obtuse shit to get it going.”

Evan momentarily thought back to the Book of Fate and his ritual in the woods. “So Moreno does these things for people?”

“Yeah. Thing is, though...” Titus stopped raising a forkful of eggs halfway to his mouth and set it down again, as if he'd momentarily lost his appetite. “The people who use his services generally practice some pretty vile magic. Real depraved shit. And to empower depraved magic, you need depraved rituals. Moreno is the guy you go to when...”

“I think I get it,” Evan interjected, since Titus seemed to be struggling with deciding whether to continue. “Your turn.”

Titus tapped his fingers on the table for a moment, then looked Evan in the eye. “How smart are you?”

The scars on Evan's face squirmed around as he actually smirked. “What kind of question is that?”

“Hey, we agreed no 'whys'.”

“Alright, alright. Well, there's really no objective metric for it, but... I have Master's degrees in computer science and theoretical physics, Bachelor's in those in addition to mathematics and electrical engineering, and associate's degrees and certificates in everything from EMT training to ballet. I should have my doctorate in physics, but...” he said, with a bitterness that Titus made a note of, then changed gears. “Oh, and I also speak Mandarin, Spanish, Japanese, French, and Arabic pretty fluently. I also know ASL. I can get by in German and Russian, too. I don't know if any of that is what you meant but--”

“Jesus, I get it,” Titus muttered, rubbing the side of his head. “How the fuck do you make money?”

“Software consulting, mostly. I specialize in security and processing efficiency. People pay me to break into their systems and then patch the holes, or to make their code run quicker or make their programs smaller. I've got a few patents I've licensed that bring in most of my income nowadays, though.”

“Anything I would have heard of?”

“If you've used a computer made in the last four years it probably has something I wrote integrated somewhere into it. I also helped develop a protein-sequencing program that helped develop a vaccine for this nasty SARS variant that broke out in China last year. They say if they hadn’t nipped it in the bud it could’ve spread worldwide and we’d be looking at millions of deaths by now.”

Titus scrunched up his face. “Oh yeah, just say that like it’s no big deal.”

“I’m just glad it turned out not to be one. What I'd really like to do is get my compression algorithm out there, but if I do that, somebody's going to try to hoard it all for themselves.”

“Are you talking to yourself or me?”

“Look, I... a few years ago I figured out a way to compress memory down by a exponential factor of six with zero loss. All it takes is a couple software plugins that don't take up much room themselves. Essentially, I could make a gigabyte fit in a kilobyte with very little trouble, now that the math's figured out.”

“Holy fuck, that's insane! Why haven't I heard anything about this?”

“Mainly because I don't tell people. If I put it up on the market, some ISP would buy it and bury it. If you make information smaller, you make it faster. Can you imagine what it'd do to internet access if dial-up and barebones cellular networks suddenly had the bandwidth of fiber optics? It would... maybe not revolutionize our society, but it would level a lot of playing fields. Bring a lot of underdeveloped areas of the world—hell, this country—up to modern levels with no extra cost. The telecomms would crash and burn so hard. But I don't have the means to get it out there without going through someone else. Yet,” Evan added. “So I basically work watered-down versions of the compressor into the software I make. Nothing that can be duplicated, and nowhere near its full potential, but enough to get me hailed as some kind of genius and pay the bills.”

“So why aren't you on your own private island or something somewhere instead of puttering around God's Ashtray in a shitty old Bug?”

“Hey, the Beetle is not shitty,” Evan said, defensively. “And I'm just waiting for the AC in my RV to get fixed or I'd be driving that.”

“Oh hot damn! Now that's the way to live!”

“Not the one I'd choose voluntarily, but it could be worse.”

“How come you're doing it, then?”

“I think it's my turn to ask,” Evan said, mildly.

“Fine,” Titus said grumpily, crossing his arms.

“How do you make money?”

“That's easy. I'm basically a freelance bailbondsman. I just roam around, drop my advertising around bars and courthouses.”

“You get many clients that way?” Evan asked, cocking his remaining eyebrow.

“Oh, you'd be amazed how desperate people can get,” Titus said, shrugging. “Of course, they're usually not the most responsible people, so when they bounce, I track 'em down myself, drag ‘em back to jail, get the money back. My eye usually makes it super easy. Sometimes they don't even see me before I get the cuffs on 'em.”

“Why did you feel the need to rob a bunch of drug dealers, then? The thrill of it?”

“I had a pressing need for a large amount of cash that my normal work doesn't bring in. That got me enough to hold it off for a while. My turn.”

Evan waved down a waitress for a refill of his coffee, trying not to take it personally when she gasped upon seeing his face. “Go ahead…”

“No, no, hang on.” Titus waved a hand dismissively. “I want to try something. Take your hair out of the ponytail.”

“What? Why?”

“Humor me.”

Evan groaned and reached back, removing his hair tie. After shaking his head, his hair fell over his face, obscuring everything but his nose and mouth. Titus pursed his lips and regarded him seriously for a moment.

“Can you see?”

“Yeah, I guess. Well enough to not walk into things, I think, and I could probably read if I had to.”

Titus snapped his fingers. “Good. Go with that from now on.”

“Why?”

“Because now you don’t look like God’s mistake. Now you look like a big, dumb-but-lovable goon. Like Jack Black would voice you in a cartoon.”

“And that’s a good thing?”

“Do you like seeing people contemplating their own mortality and the general cruel absurdity of the tragic farce that is human existence when they get a glimpse of your face?”

Evan felt his cheeks burn and was actually grateful his hair was covering most of his face. “…not particularly, no.”

“Then there you go. You’re welcome. Okay, question time. Uh… how did you get your powers?”

“Which one?”

“Oh, now who’s arguing in bad faith? Fucking all of them, you thick-lipped gargoyle.”

Evan had the feeling he hit a sore spot. Titus's easy-going, jocular tone had bled away from him, leaving behind the hard-edged razor-blade of a man that had ambushed him the night before. He decided not to belabor the point.

“I don't know why I can rege—why I heal so quickly. No, I'm serious, as far as I know, it just started happening sometime in the past few months. I can't remember. Don't look at me like that, I'll get to that in a minute. When I was younger I recovered from a lot of injuries a lot quicker than the doctors thought I would, so maybe it's something I was born with and it just got stronger recently for some reason.”

Evan took a sip of coffee, mainly to buy a few seconds to think of how much to explain for the next part.

“The ability to shut off powers... that's part of, well, I guess you'd call it a magic ritual, because I don't know what else to call it. I found a weird old book that said it contained the key to making someone an instrument of universal justice, or something of the sort. Since then I can see... I guess they're souls? Maybe? I can sort of move mine and when I run it into someone else's it seems like I can shut off their powers. Or... take them entirely, if they're dying.”

“Horseshit!” Titus scoffed. “That's... that's like meta-magic. I don't even know if that's real.”

“No, seriously! I don't think it's just magic powers, I think it... 'normalizes' things.” He briefly recounted his encounter with the pain monster.

“Are you kidding me? That...” Titus took off his hat and ran his hand through his hair, exhaling slowly and loudly. “Look, I don't know much, but the fact that you even ran into something like that, let alone survived... those odds are astronomical. And you say you negated not just its powers, but its whole form?”

“Yeah. Once I... reached into it, like I did with you—oh don't make that face. Grow up—I kind of disrupted what made it... different, I guess? Like I cut it off from its special qualities. Like it was...”

“Disjuncted,” Titus cut in.

“Yeah, that's a good word for it. Like the old Mordenkainen spell?”

“Fucking nerd.”

“Eat my ass. Anyway, after I killed it, I was able to reach into its... soul? Animating force? Aura? I don't know what to call it. I was able to grab something and pull it out and it just got pulled into me.”

“Not aura.”

“What?”

“Aura's a different thing,” Titus said, dismissively. “So what did you get from doing that?”

“I.. I feel pain differently. I don't flinch or get adrenaline rushes from injuries that don't actually impede my ability to function. I think I have a better sense of what is actually dangerous to my body now. It still hurts, but I don't react to pain like people normally do. It's like...hmm.” Evan drummed his fingers on the table. “Do you know anything about video games? Fighting games, specifically?”

“I used to fuck around on an old Alpha 3rd Strike cabinet when I was a kid. Why?”

“Do you know what 'super armor' is?”

“Isn't that where a move can't get stopped by being hit when you're doing it?”

“Right. I'm kind of like that now. Pain doesn't interrupt me.”

“Fucking nerd.”

Evan's fist involuntarily clenched. “I'm trying to put this in terms you can understand, you stupid reprobate. My experience with your judgment thus far hasn't given me much faith in your intellect.”

Titus burst out laughing. “So he does know how to banter! I thought you might be one of those Rainman types.”

“Oh sure, call it 'banter' to try to excuse the fact that you've been insulting me for the past half hour. Do you say you're ‘just joking’ when people get mad at you for saying stupid shit, too?”

“C'mon, lighten up! We're partners now! Tell me more about this soul thing. I still think you're full of shit.”

Evan sighed through his nose, then held up his left hand, forming his fingers into a circle and peering through them.

“Yours is... a sort of cross between a sea green and an oil slick. The tendrils of it keep reaching out and snapping back, going all over the place. It seems to keep expanding and contracting. It's almost flickering, like... it's indecisive. Very chaotic. The tendrils that aren't snapping around seem to be kept pretty close to your body, wrapping around you like... I can't tell if it's protective or restrictive.”

Titus's expression slowly became serious. “What does that mean?”

“I don't know. I have a lot of theories, but nothing solid to go on. I'm not sure if it's allegorical or a literal representation of a person's... power, maybe? Yours definitely looks a lot different than most people's.”

“I don't believe this for a second. Let me see.”

“How would I do tha—hey!”

Titus grabbed Evan's wrist and held his hand up to his eye. “Ho-lee...”

He pulled back from Evan's hand, staring at him. Then he looked around the room, mouth slack as he took in the diner's other occupants.

“Huh. Did you know it keeps working until you blink?” He said after a moment, a faraway tone to his voice.

“I didn't even know other people could do it,” Evan said, awe in his voice. “Hey, wow, you're right!”

“Jesus, yours is, like, really blue. It looks like... a bunch of steel cables. It's weird, I felt like I both could and couldn't see the edges of it...”

“I can kind of move it, but I'm not sure if I can do anything with it beyond interfering with people's powers. It's like learning to use a muscle you didn't know you had.”

“Huh.” Titus was again silent for a long moment. “Your turn.”

“Can you do anything else supernatural? Besides your time-eye?”

“Don't call it that, it sounds stupid. And... sorta. I seem to have whatever innate talent you need to actually do magic, but it's not like it's easy to find instructions. Most of the people I know who can use it just dabble with half-broken magic items—wands, amulets, charms,” he pulled the silence charm out from under his coat and bounced it at the end of its chain. “I guess I'm sort of a dabbler. I know a few tricks, I can use a lot of magic tools, I can sense magic pretty well, I can dowse... Most of the time I really never have to use anything besides the eye, though.”

“Is the eye all-or-nothing?”

“Yeah. It's not nearly as useful as you'd think, but any edge is an edge.”

“When I turned off your power and it was coming back, though, you started speeding up—or, I guess, everything else was slowing down? You were moving faster, one way or the other. You were able to touch me, and those punches hurt.”

“Huh, yeah, you're right.”

“Do you think there's a way you could learn to only partially activate it?”

“That'd be great, wouldn't it? Thing is, just using it is a huge strain, and that time spend outside of time adds up. Going by normal calendar time I'm only 26.”

“Fuck, I'm 27!” Evan laughed.

“Yeah, well, I'd rather be prematurely gray than what you've got going on. My turn. Uh... huh, I can't really think of anything else. Uh... are you gay?”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“No, but the question still counts.”

“I'm bi,” Evan mumbled, crossing his arms across his prodigious chest. “Not that it matters. And before you ask, no, you are not my type. We're done talking about this.”

“Huh. You ever sucked--”

“We. Are. Done. Talking about this.”

“Fine, God. Go.”

Evan mentally circled back to an earlier question he felt hadn't been properly answered. “Why are you after Moreno?”

To Evan's surprise, Titus didn't hesitate. “I'm actually after his current boss. He's just the best lead I have to go on.” He took a deep breath, then started talking with a rushed, deadpan pace, as if he was eager to get the words out as quickly as possible so they wouldn't be in his mouth very long.

“Moreno is working for a guy only known as the Soultaker. He has an innate supernatural ability to pull a person's soul out of their body. When that happens, the person just... shuts down, usually. No motive force behind them. Eventually they just die of dehydration, usually. I've seen some people so set in routine that they keep going without a soul, but... it's not really life.

“It seems like the extraction process takes a while, so he can't just walk past you on the street and pickpocket your entire essence. So he needs people rounded up for him, held until he can do his nasty juju. So that's where a degenerate like Moreno comes in.

“So when he pulls out a soul, it, well, it looks like this.”

Titus pulled a battered, faded Crown Royale bag out of his jacket. It bulged strangely and made a quiet clacking when he set it on the table. He pulled out what looked like a large marble, or maybe a dull pearl, and handed it to Evan.

Evan brushed his hair out of his eyes and peered into the milky depths of the sphere. After a few moments of staring, the murky clouds inside the thing seemed to clear and a face floated to the surface. A black man, maybe in his late 40s, going thin on top. His eyes were closed and he appeared to be sleeping, but his expression had a look of discomfort to it, as if he was having a bad dream.

“Jesus Christ,” Evan whispered, “I've seen this guy... Martell Calloway? I saw some news article about how his family found him tied up in his apartment and completely comatose! But he didn't have any injuries beyond being a black eye... so he's dead?”

“Life support,” Titus said, taking Mr. Calloway's soul back from Evan's unresisting fingers, “technically, he's one of the lucky ones. They found his body before it wasted away to nothing, and I was able to intercept his soul before it got to a buyer.”

“Why would someone buy something like this? What use is it? Can you fix him?”

“A human soul is a damn near exhaustible arcane battery,” Titus said gravely. In the split second between sentences, Evan noticed something—after he'd put the bag back into his jacket, Titus surreptitiously touched a pocket on the other side of his jacket, as if he was making sure something was still there.

“If you know what you're doing, you can power a lot of magic using a soul. And you can reuse them as long as you don't overdo it. If you know what you're doing, you can wring all but the last drops of essence out of a soul and let it heal or recover or whatever, and it'll eventually be back to full strength. Very resilient things,” Titus continued. “I don't think they're conscious in there, but... anyway, it's supposed to be really hard to extract a soul. But this guy was born with or spontaneously developed or somehow figured out a shortcut to the whole process. So the market is getting flooded with torture-batteries and ECUs are getting flooded with vegetables. And families are winding up with loved ones who are as good as dead, without having any idea why this happened to them. Dozens of them have been taken off life support in the past few months. Half these souls have no body to return to. And no, I can't fix it. At least not yet,” he sighed again. “I was hoping once I found him, I could somehow get the secret out of him or force him to put them back, or... maybe I thought if I killed him it'd reverse the effect. He needs killing, either way.”

Titus's eye widened as a thought struck him and he looked Evan in the eye for the first time since he'd started the story. Evan realized what he was thinking and looked down at the tattoo on his left arm, flexing his fingers.

“If you can take people's powers after they die...”

“...then we can save these people.”

Titus put a hand over his mouth and for a moment Evan thought he saw his eye well up.

“I'm in,” Evan said, a sense of righteous purpose welling in his heart. “I don't really know what the universe wants, but I doubt... I know it's not this. We'll find him, we'll stop him, and we'll save as many of these people as we can.”

“...thanks,” Titus mumbled behind his hand. He swallowed hard, then seemed to come back to himself. “We're back to square one, though.”

“You said you could dowse? Like, for real?”

“Yes, for real. I can find things and people with the pendulum method. It's handy for tracking down bounties.”

“Why don't you dowse Moreno?”

“Why didn't I think of that?!” Titus said incredulously, smacking his forehead. “Because he's warded. He's not magic himself, but he's collected enough gear through his career that my normal methods don't work.”

Evan rubbed his chin. “What if we used an abnormal method?”

-------------------

An hour later, they were in the RV. Titus was poring over the collection of Evan's notes and the strange papers he'd bought from Delmann's shop. Evan was very carefully slicing a strip of skin from his own ankle up all the way up his leg. The Guiding Light—the Finder's Follysat on the table between them, filled with fresh blood.

“Even if this works, he's going to know we're coming,” Titus muttered, engrossed in the pages. “Remember what I said?”

“That's why we're not going to look for him,” Evan said, adjusting his grip on the potato peeler. “I don't know how we'd even write his name. Can you read that, by the way?”

“Kind of. This is... most of this is written in, like, arcane pidgin. Who compiled these notes?”

“I did, I think.”

“You think?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot to clarify on that. Apparently a couple months ago, before the ritual, I drilled a hole in my own brain to erase some kind of very dangerous memory.”

“You what.”

“That's not a metaphor or anything. Really did it. I could show you the video.”

“I'll pass. So you don't remember where this came from?” Titus shook the Book of Fate at him.

“Nope.”

“Jesus shit, do you have any idea--”

“How reckless that was? Yeah, yeah, I'm still here and I'm the answer to your fuckin' prayers, aren't I?” Evan gave a whoop as the peeling skin reached his thigh. “Got it this time!” he said cheerfully, snipping the flesh-ribbon off with scissors.

“God, that's so fucking gross. Anyway, you haven't explained how we're going to use that thing to find Moreno.”

“We don't set it to look for him. We look for somewhere he's been. Maybe the last place he slept. Do you think you can describe him well enough in that language for it to work?”

Titus looked like he might actually be impressed, but he hid it well. “Yeah, probably.”

“Good. I've got a dictionary I've put together on that tablet next to you, but I'm not sure how accurate it is. Maybe it'll help?”

---------------------

Two hours later, they had it.

Find where a man born between the 27th and 28th north parallels during a new moon under the sign of capricorn with black hair and green eyes who has killed at least 10 people slept in the past week.

They really had to squeeze the letters in, but when Evan put a flame to the wick, it sprung to life, wavered for a moment, and then pointed east. Both men cheered. Evan threw Titus the keys.

“Drive! Drive north until I tell you otherwise!”

While Titus started the engine, Evan spread a map of the United States on the table in front of the lamp, then produced a protractor and a notebook from a drawer. “Okay, you bastard... let's see where you've been hiding...”

It took three days—one spent driving north, one spent driving back to where they'd started, and one spent driving south. While Titus drove, Evan made meticulous notes of the flame's direction, marking angles on the map. Finally he threw the pencil down triumphantly.

“He's in Salt Lake City.”

“Well, that narrows it down a little, I guess. So what, do we just go there and hope this thing points us in the right direction?”

“Too slow,” Evan called, stepping back into what used to be his bedroom and sitting at his computer. “Now I work my magic.”

After parking, Titus walked back to look over Evan's shoulder. The half-dozen monitors on the wall were flickering between rapidly-changing pictures of faces and what appeared to be CCTV footage.

“What is this?”

“This,” Evan said with dramatic pride, “is Blaccat. Facial recognition algorithms that the CIA wishesit had. I actually started working on it years ago before I thought about the implications of it, but I shelved it. I figured since I may be needing to, uh...”

“Be Batman?”

“...yeah...that I should get back to work on it. Right now it's comparing faces to the description you gave me and cycling through every damn security camera in the city looking for it.”

“How illegal is this?”

“Soooooo illegal.”

“Oh, hey, can you get into police department records?”

“Does the Pope shit in the woods?”

“See if you can get into the Las Vegas mugshots from... February 2019. Run your face-recognition thingy there.”

“Alright.... and... is that our boy?”

A handsome Latino man in his early 30s with shoulder-length jet-black hair and piercing green eyes stared at them from over a booking clipboard.

“That's him,” Titus breathed.

“Perfect! Now I just have to feed that into... wow.” Evan made a gesture and a black and white video popped up on the biggest monitor. The man in the mugshot was walking along the street, flanked by a short stocky man in bandanna and a lanky man with the ugliest white-boy dreads Evan had ever seen.

“That's him! Where is that? When is that?”

Evan grinned up at Titus. “That's live. I can track him and put us at the nearest intersection.”

Titus smiled, eye overbright, and began breathing heavily through his nose. “We got him.”

Evan met his eye and nodded. “Let's get him.”

[beevean]

How do you think that the things would have been if Barok had raised Iris? (If Mikotoba has also thought about Barok and decided that the poor boy needed a reason to live). Have you heacanons about uncle-dad Barok and how the game would have been different?

Spoilers for Case 5 of The Great Ace Attorney 2

Oh man, his life would have been SO different

He'd still be devastated, and full of hatred against the person who took his brother away from him (if not the entire Japanese population, because sadly I don't think that would change in this AU :\), but at least Iris would give him a reason to get up in the morning that isn't as soul-numbing as work. Having her by his side would probably help him bear the weight of the Reaper name, because maybe the entirety of London thinks he's a death bringer, but his niece thinks he's the coolest uncle in the city and by God he's not going to disappoint her. And instead of her wondering who his dad is, Barok would of course tell her everything about her parents, all sorts of funny and cool stories about how great of a prosecutor Klint was and how much him and Lady loved each other and her, and how Barok sees so much of them in her and how she's going to be an extraordinary woman who would make them proud.

It would be also interesting to think about how Iris would grow up. Both Barok and Herlock are brilliant in their own way, but Herlock is scatterbrained, which lead Iris to both be the main breadwinner and housekeeper, and super friendly and energetic, which maybe had a hand in shaping Iris' current sunny personality. How would she change if she was raised by the serious, reserved Barok, who doesn't have a scientific lab but a huge office full of books and precious items (i hope something not related to wine in this AU lol)? Would she still be an inventor, or would she channel her talent in a different way? Would she still become a writer, even if she doesn't need to take a job? I kinda like the idea that, instead of using Mikotoba's notes and Herlock's wacky adventures, he'd write about Barok's cases in court and make thrillers out of them, because she likes to write and she doesn't see anything bad in her uncle's job, just a hero who wants to defeat bad guys.

Maybe Barok would also let her build the models he needs for the investigations like in G2-3, or maybe even straight up allow her to help him, unless he'd be too afraid of going out with her in case they get attacked on the street :( Speaking of which, I bet he'd be twice as aggressive towards the idiots who think they have a change of fighting him, because now he can't afford to be hurt, there's a little girl who needs him.

Also, Iris would call Barok "uncle" because that's what he is, but what if she at one point called him "dad"? Because he single-handedly raised her like her own daughter? I don't think poor Barok could handle that. He'd be like "don't be absurd, your father is Klint, I could never dare to take his place" and Iris would be like "yeah your big brother was my father, but you're my daddy and I'm super glad for that <3", and then Barok would probably cry, and so would we all

[friendofthecrows]

Posting a way more in-depth description of my alters than any of you want or need because why not

Keiko: friendliest, nicest, cutest, acts the youngest. Used to front a lot when we were hanging out with friends. Still essentially like the rest of us in that she has the same personality disorders (pointing this out because you wouldn’t guess she has ASPD but we all do. No, none of us are “more of a psychopath” or evil vs good or whatever compared to one another). She just seems more able to feel/express the positive spectrum of emotions, she hasn’t repressed it or detached herself from it as much. She/her pronouns. Aroace. Current fave thing: either MLP or stimboards

Miyuki: calm, collected, responsible, acts like a gatekeeper of the system a lot as in she’s the only one we can actually trust to moderate the rules objectively. Also has pulled people out or put people in control before. Less “control panel” access than say Jokul or I though, but probably only due to lack of practice. THE most sane one (idk how that works either) and the one with the least emotional turmoil. Used to wonder if 1. She was capable of caring about people and 2. If she actually felt any emotions at all. The answer is yes she does, she just Bottles Them Up Completely. We are taking it in faith that she feels stuff because the body cried once while she was in control. Pronouns: she/her. Sexuality: ???? when it comes to romance, but definitely ace. Current fave thing: tea, specifically a nice warming oolong like Da Hong Pao.

Yahto: (me!) people are suggesting ways to describe me and it is mean. For most of my knowledge of my own existence as a separate alter, I’ve kind of assigned myself the role of protector. I was very functional as well! Confident (bordering on insufferably arrogant), and with the level of detachment from my emotions I had at the time as well as my complete lack of fear, perfectly suited to deal with a wide variety of situations. Only if we were okay with other people thinking we’re weird because I used to have a worse filter than I have now. I experienced fear for the first time 3.5 years ago right alongside the strongest emotions I’ve ever felt and my mental health has been spiraling downwards ever since :) Also I am literally the most stubborn person you will ever meet. He/him pronouns. Anything having to do with orientation is a big question mark right now, I just know I’m probably not interested in men. I HAVE dated women but tbh I’m no longer sure if I’m even interested in them. Current fave thing: yahto.exe stopped working 38 hours of being awake ago. Uh,,,,idk sorry How about reading fzanfic to pass the time fnafic fanfic

Jezebeth (Jez): (headspace bestie! Great at writing horror poems!) Does Not Care About People but also surprisingly extremely chill. When she’s enthusiastic about something, she’s REALLY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT IT but otherwise mostly just stays quiet and has a nice time Observing. People either find her really fun to be around or creepy. No in between. She went through a phase where she thought it was funny to creep people out by saying really messed up things so that probably didn’t help. Actually, DURING said phase, she single-handedly made and maintained the best in-school friendship we ever had for 4 years. Literally none of us talked to her except for Jez. She just had endless “creepy” conversation topics and Robin thought it was *amazing. * She/her pronouns, I have no idea sexuality wise simply because she does not talk about that kind of thing. Current fave thing: inking pens :)

Jokul: (sworn enemy, tried to kill myself once to take him down with us) Perfectly reasonable person realistically. Nothing particularly wrong with him. I just Do Not Like Him. Especially since for as long as I can remember, we’ve made it a game to torment each other. You see, we both hate boredom more than anything else, or at least we did when we were even younger and more naive and we’re not actually malicious, and yet foolishly prided ourselves on not being nice and also our ability to manipulate people. No, little kid me was probably not actually an expert on manipulation, we just thought we were at the time. This all resulted in us taking our boredom, pent up malice, and desire to prove we were better than one another on each other. Such a great idea (sarcastic). We did in fact get better at emotionally wounding people after years of practice, and predictably (if we had any foresight on this matter at all) it backfired! I did in fact turn this skill against the one person I cared about in an effort to push them away during one of my breakdowns and it resulted in 6 suicide attempts, not including my own. Jokul has been trying to manipulate me positively since (both of us have been ordered to be nice to each other by Miyuki because we were causing too many problems) and it has Not Worked. If he was a separate person, I would skin him. The only person I’ve hated so much. We’ve been on relatively good terms lately. Been capable of having casual conversations. Things are okay, I guess. His personality is entirely fake, so I don’t know how to describe it except for how he acts when we’re trying to hurt each other, which might be him dropping his mask or it might be a whole different act just for that. Pronouns: He/him. Sexuality: He can change it at will? I think default is aroace though? Current fave thing: *Jokul imitation* “My purple silk dress I wear when I’m meeting people and am desperate for them to worship my beauty. I look so irresistibly elegant in it, it makes everyone like me automatically.” His actual answer is Death Note (cringe) (I’ve been yelled at for calling Death Note cringe)

Gracelynn: (headspace ex-bestie) Everyone thinks she’s the nicest person ever and super loyal and so on. She is to other people but apparently not to me anymore. Still finds it difficult to empathize with people and care about them, but apparently decided to be nice anyways. Like she doesn’t get the fuss about friends but she’s here for them anyways. Spends as much time daydreaming as possible these days, used to front A TON a few years ago. Extremely shy and full of social anxiety and anxiety in general. Goes nonverbal in a plethora of social situations. Freakishly good memory. Has way less memory gaps than I do and I have no idea why. She/her pronouns, probably aroace Current fave thing: brace yourself for no surprises, a tie between horseback riding and the Chronicles of Amber.

Ryo: (the alter of many names: Ryo, Rachel, Ry, Rei, R) The newest. Noticed a new voice and behavior that did not match any of ours a while after the events of 3.5 years ago. Might be coincidence, might not be, I don’t care. Kind of down to earth and practical and normal compared to the rest of us. Despite him being here for years now I don’t know that much about him partially because I don’t care and haven’t been paying attention, and partially because system communication hasn’t been that great (I’ve also been getting way more memory gaps! Whole days lost! Isn’t that great? (sarcastic)). Pronouns: varies, any are fine. (Despite us, in general, identifying as gender fluid so we don’t have to explain, Ryo is the only ACTUALLY gender fluid alter in our system) Aroace. Current fave thing: He said sleep, he wants us to go to sleep. (refuses to answer the fun question genuinely) Well Ryo, you have just failed my vibe check. Your reward is uh,,,AT LEAST 13 more hours of being awake. Yayyy

(I did colors here but the all green theme will stay in other posts <3 Really if I had to describe our auras it would be different shades of blue anyways.)

[luluwquidprocrow]

love was made for me and you (and you)

originally posted: february 15th, 2019

word count: 22,821 words

rated: teen

beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire

violet baudelaire, klaus baudelaire, beatrice baudelaire, lemony snicket, bertrand baudelaire, kit snicket, the duchess of winnipeg, dewey denouement, olivia caliban, beatrice snicket

alternate universe – modern setting, alternate universe – everybody lives/nobody dies, alternate universe – parent trap fusion, family, romantic comedy, humor, with occasional required sad undertones, screenplay/script format, less of a fic and more of an outline but one hell of an outline, with enthusiastic swearing by yours truly, referenced but very background kit/dewey and duchess/olivia

Summary:

[so beatrice is nicholas, lemony is elizabeth, violet is annie, klaus is hallie, bertrand is the absolute worst at being meredith because he is a Genuinely Nice Person so honestly he’s really not meredith at all, and those parallels are all a little loose anyway because i moved places and conversations and character roles and basically everything around, everyone is just a mess. where is vfd????? i sure don't know.]

Notes:

back in march 2018, the good the iconic the legendary the CLASSIC ace attorney parent trap au came back on my dash and I decided to rewatch the parent trap a few days later, and as I was watching it, I thought, ‘i wonder how that would work with asoue, and lemony and beatrice, and of course with them getting together with bertrand,’ because I will of course ship the three of them together in any fic I can, but I told myself ‘girl, you cannot write this fic. you have too many other fics to write, you canNOT write this fic.’

I then told myself, ‘well, yeah, okay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t outline it.’

and then the outline spun wildly out of control, to the point where i was never going to write it as a full actual fic because it wasn't going to work like that anymore, but also to the point where it had a life of its own and was in my opinion somehow still worth reading like an actual fic. this is over 20k of a lemonberry ice parent trap au half-fic/half-outline/half-weird-script/wonderful mess of conversations and headcanons, and I genuinely hope my weirdly detailed ramblings (and unapologetic swearing) bring people as much unbridled joy as they bring me. I wrote this with the intention to have fun, and I hope!! you have fun too!!!

I think you can get through this with a working knowledge of the parent trap movie (1998 version) but a thorough knowledge is also very good

title obviously corrupted from love by nat king cole

.

lemony and beatrice, young and definitely foolish and definitely in love but totally not thinking this through, marry (fairly soon after college) and beatrice has twins, violet and klaus (violet is two minutes older, their birthday in this splits the difference between (what I personally image to be) their canon birthdays, so that’s, what, january 8th or something???? first I had it as the 3rd but nick and liz marry in the movie on january 8th and I was like ‘well that’s not too big a change to make in the name of a good reference’).

not long after, their marriage dissolves (for, well, pretty much canon reasons???? I mean like with less accusations of arson and criminal activity. lemony has Radical Commitment Issues and beatrice is Impulsive and Angry and Not Taking Anyone’s Shit and honestly how they made it through marriage and having kids with all those problems completely in tact and never doing anything about them is anyone’s guess, love is Occasionally Not Cool), they divorce, and lemony takes violet and beatrice takes klaus.

they both leave The City which I have always imagined as new york even though i’ve never spent a second there in my life, but anyway, beatrice does go to california (she likes the weather, but she does not end up in sanfran (danhan’s hometown) – the part of me simultaneously obsessed with a different fandom is screaming santa barbara!!!! but no i’m going to stick with the movie and say although she’s not in a vineyard she is in napa), the idea of lemony just being in england as like, a concept, and especially with a broken heart, is hilarious to me

kit: do I have to confiscate your copy of keats?

kit: do I?

kit: do I, lemony??????

beatrice raises klaus with the help of the duchess of winnipeg (and ramona’s delightfully sentimental and frankly adorable wife, olivia caliban, I will sail this ship single-handedly I guess) (what is ramona doing in california????? OH MAN DO I FINALLY GET TO BUST OUT THIS LINE I TOOK OUT OF THE BAYBEA FIC

ramona: have you seen winnipeg lately???

ramona: there’s not much for me to duchess over.

actually it’s probably that ramona’s mother is still alive in this (otherwise what would be the POINT of everybody lives/nobody dies modern au???? fucking fight me) and she takes care of winnipeg and ramona was like ‘…...canada’s not doing it for me’ and her mother was like ‘canada doesn’t do it much for anyone, dear.’ and ramona skedaddled to california with olivia, which worked out because they have banging careers as artists out in california.) (ramona paints (she likes watercolors and pastels), olivia actually writes historical fiction lesbian romance novels (where everyone also lives!!! she writes an on point jazz age novel only everyone lives and it’s great) (why historical fiction??? olivia is a sucker for romance and loves big sweeping romance epics….and ramona) (are her books just. period piece self-inserts with her and ramona??? well why the FUCK not), they are both………..really too good for this world.) (anyway bea has zero (0) family with which to raise klaus so ramona and olivia offer to help her out. out of the goodness of their hearts and long-standing friendship, not because they have any experience raising a child. they do not. have any experience.)

and lemony raises violet with the help of his sister. kit and dewey get together earlier, and have their daughter earlier (violet’s….five or six when she’s born?), and name her (obvs not beatrice) bernadette (I have Specific Reasons for naming her bernadette, however that is in my giant list of bernadette headcanons, which is a whole other Thing). beatrice is an actress (klaus can’t act for shit, sorry), lemony is a writer (violet doesn’t have a poetic bone in her body, sorry). (but violet can act and klaus is pretty good at putting words together.)

ELEVEN YEARS AGO BY, or, well, eleven and a half, I guess, eleven and a half delightful years filled with the following –

-lemony and beatrice fervently denying they ever married each other and trying to forget the other even exists, what do you mean you have photographic evidence, we were definitely not married

-ramona’s mother briefly going to california to tell three grown women how to change a diaper

-klaus, age one and a half, crawling up the staircase in their house all by himself to get to the library, beatrice promptly dies out of sheer terror

(true event. I did that.)

-violet getting ahold of a wrench at the same age and fixing one of the loose bars in her crib

(not a true event. I did not do that.)

-dewey and jacques, trying to fix the curtains in violet’s room, immediately and silently agreeing to never tell lemony they were The Worst Uncles In Existence for five seconds for accidentally dropping the wrench in violet’s crib

-beatrice training herself not to do a double-take every time she sees klaus with a book because he looks fleetingly like lemony, just for that second

-lemony lulling violet to sleep with a variety of accordion songs, violet’s favorite is his rendition of what he says is ‘a song about spending a day on the beach’ but is actually why I cry by the magnetic fields (particularly danhan’s rendition of it with ben gibbard.)

-hey I never said they were successful at forgetting each other, especially when the kids were kids

-a truly harrowing number of children’s birthday parties

-kit snicket, who firmly kept her maiden name, going through what she called ‘The Chillest Pregnancy In Existence, Look At Me, I’m Completely Fucking Calm’ in the middle of labor

-klaus going through a period where he only read poetry, which caused bea and ramona and olivia to speak in rhyme for a week

-violet insisting she could fix the toaster and promptly not fixing the toaster because nothing was wrong with the toaster (it just wasn’t plugged in.)

-beatrice appearing in a number of plays, klaus being enchanted when she’s in les mis and reading the book but, in fact, only finding the outrageously long sewer chapter interesting

-violet trying to write a poem for lemony for father’s day and rhyming ‘orange’ with ‘mortgage’

that summer, they both wind up sending violet and klaus to the same summer camp excursion, because what sort of comedy would this be without the wildest coincidence ever, honestly

kit drops violet off at the camp a la martin – will lemony get on a plane?? that is a resounding No (also he would have just cried the whole time. the whole time. the. whole. time.)

however lemony is the one who does the ‘fruits, vegetables’ thing, only before violet leaves, and he gives her a million hugs and honestly doesn’t want her to go to camp oh my god, it’s only because violet tells him he’s sort of squishing her that he stops hugging her, lemony is???? like the most concerned parent of all time

kit, meanwhile….

kit: I was going to give you a new dart set but I was informed that they would not let you through customs.

violet: uncle dewey told you, didn’t he.

kit: I married a real killjoy, violet.

I honestly cannot think of a scene for klaus to parallel hallie meeting glasses and tie dye girl while getting her duffel bag. I thought of putting the quagmires in this but I think that’s…...pushing the identical envelope a little here (would’ve been worth it though for the brief note I used to have here that was just isadora shouting ‘HOW DID THEY TAKE SO LONG TO REALIZE THEY WERE RELATED THEY LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE’)

i’m sure they hang out with like-minded people before running into each other, it’s a good camp and they literally never talk to those other characters again anyway, which is, a real shame

we can all at least rest assured that klaus gets to camp in once piece regardless and doesn’t have a conversation about darts and airport customs, anyway beatrice, ramona, and olivia each smuggle a deck of cards into his suitcase as a surprise and he has three card decks and impresses all the other kids in his cabin with a giant architecturally sound house of cards made to resemble thoreau’s cabin at walden pond

hey annie and hallie are both allergic to strawberries and KLAUS AND VIOLET ARE ALLERGIC TO PEPPERMINTS

before they meet there’s probably a moment like with marva sr and the strawberries (I just had a horrifying thought that JEROME is the camp counselor (esme is nowhere in this. olaf is nowhere in this.) and that’s…………..awful, but, as I was writing the following scene, you know who I wrote him more like?????? arthur fucking poe, what did I just fucking do, honestly poe is a WORSE choice but…...well

mr. poe: we have peppermint brownies today!

[I just saw someone on the food network make peppermint cheesecake brownies and I want them so bad]

klaus: oh, i’m allergic

mr. poe: oh, well, please live

mr. poe: I cannot perform cpr

klaus: …………………………………………………………….shouldn’t you maybe –

mr. poe: for your own personal safety and especially my own i’m going to have to ask you to step away from the brownies

[violet shows up on mr poe’s other side]

violet: oh! peppermint, i’m allergic

mr. poe: another – didn’t I just see you? how did your hair get longer that fast? that’s not an allergic reaction, is it?

violet: ……………………………………………………………...i don’t think that’s –

mr. poe: i’m going to eat this entire brownie pan to save lives, but also because I want these brownies

he came out more like show!poe instead of book!poe but, I do not care, no one cares about mr. poe.

SO, violet and klaus eventually do meet and have practically zero immediate animosity, also through fencing!!! lemony and bea are both canonically badass fencers but I stand by what I said in fight me, that lemony is the better fencer, and violet wins. klaus concedes his loss to a talented fencer. they take off their masks and are like WHOA WE LOOK REASONABLY SIMILAR

violet: I don’t know, I think your eyes might be little farther apart than mine.

klaus: oh, don’t worry, i’ll probably grow into them. it can take some time before people really grow into their faces.

however this does get them talking and they find out they have so much in common! they’re like, ‘you like books and only have one super weird parent??? what a coincidence!’

then they find out they both play cards. (this stays, cause poker games are gold and I am reasonably sure watching the parent trap so much as a kid was what instilled this love of ‘hilarious poker games’ in me because I used to jam them into my fanfics all the time.) (also explains why I only know two poker hands….)

they hold an (amicable!) poker game that night with all the campers, and they do like a round robin tournament sort of thing and swap tips all night until it’s just the two of them facing each other, and klaus wins. (lemony is Pretty Good at cards and definitely taught violet BUT you’re damn right bea taught her kid how to count cards. not that klaus wins through cheating, he also has a natural talent and bea’s impeccable poker face. klaus also hangs out with ramona, who has repeatedly kicked lemony’s ass at cards as well.)

since they still have to wind up in the isolation cabin (because how else are they going to secretly plan swapping identities with NO GODDAMN COUNSELOR noticing???), CARMELITA is at camp and busts them for the poker game. she got eliminated pretty early in the game and camped out outside the cabin the rest of the kids were in waiting until someone won and then got mr. poe.

mr poe: gambling is not for children! unless of course you have a verified accountant or, perhaps, an established banker who wanted to embark on a personal journey and decided to run a camp for small children but has always wanted to go back and manage money again because, you know, even after the two scandals, I was good at – but we don’t have time for this, violet, klaus, it’s very irresponsible to try and get adults going on a tangent to avoid your responsibilities.

violet and klaus: but we didn’t –

mr poe: i’m afraid that I have no other choice but to send you to the isolation cabin.

carmelita: cakesniffers in the isolation cabin!!! CAKESNIFFERS IN THE ISOLATION CABIN!!!!

oh……..that was painful.

AT LEAST THE CABIN IS LIKE A NICE GOOD CABIN AND NOT the orphan shack, also like how far into the woods is the isolation cabin???? do the marvas really just leave kids out there?????? come on, marvas…..

and so our heroes get stuck in a windy lil cabin out in the woods.

what do they do when they hang out there, since they have Zero Animosity???? talk about books. read books. klaus does sketches of various local leaves. violet rewires the lamps so they don’t flicker and rigs up the windows so they don’t bang open in the middle of the night. the only thing they argue about is how to make toast, which isn’t even IN the cabin (unless violet makes something into a toaster), whatever

does klaus have a stuffed animal like cuppy???? damn straight he does. because why the hell not. (some boys play with dolls? SOME BOYS HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS)

i’m being really basic here but it’s a teddy bear BUT bea made lil wire glasses for it because klaus got glasses when he was real little so she thought he’d feel better if his favorite stuffed animal also had glasses (bea wears glasses but she HATES wearing them although I think after klaus gets glasses she tries to wear them more because bea is supportive as hell) (she needs new glasses though like they’re still these big thick black frames from her goth phase and she hates them but she hates the idea of an eye doctor appointment more) (bold of me to assume bea has ever honestly stopped having a goth phase, though…)

oh gosh what is the bear’s name

what’s something like super nerdy but cute for a small book-loving child to have named a bear

oh no, he names it kenneth. bea reads baby klaus the wind in the willows and he names his bear kenneth and this is so cute. I can’t fucking handle this, oh my god

honestly I am one of those people who thinks oreos w/ peanut butter would be pretty disgusting. (I mean, without the cream in the middle, sure, that probably tastes good, but like, with the cream and the peanut butter???? no) their snack of choice is………….hey isn’t there a snack in penultimate peril at the picnic it’s mentioned they like

or is just because I have that particular book within three feet of me, i’m gonna check

okay, it does mention that klaus likes custard eclairs, violet makes a smoked fish sandwich and wants to try the chocolate spread. maybe they just like oreos, sans peanut butter. I like oreos. (also, you can’t stash eclairs in a suitcase.

olivia, staring at a series of freshly-baked custard eclairs and a collection of tupperware containers: ….do you think I made too much??

ramona: olivia, he’s – he’s just going to summer camp.)

ANYWAY, how do they realize they’re siblings???? like???? how do

do they have half pictures in this??????? I think that’s honestly going to be the easiest way

like, of course lemony and beatrice would have a wedding picture, and they are both absolutely extra and dramatic enough to have each other’s half

it probably is still a ‘sitting at a table, staring lovingly at each other’ sort of thing, lemony in a white suit and beatrice in a suitably extravagant but actually still somehow very low-key for her wedding dress (there’s a lot of tulle though, like………..layers of tulle………………………..), their color scheme flower-wise was red and white roses because like, what fucking else would they pick at that time (they are only JUST convinced by like, jacques, probably, to do red/white instead of red/black, beatrice personally wanted purple/black)

kit gave violet the picture of beatrice, because while she hasn’t spoken to beatrice since her brother’s divorce, she does think lemony and bea could stand to talk to each other

(although I headcanon kit as the kind of person to firmly forget about past romances and put them behind her THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY this is not strict asoue canon, and she always liked beatrice, anyway. lemony and bea breaking up isn’t like kit and olaf breaking up, which, i’m not even gonna try and touch in this)

klaus found the picture of lemony when he was reading through anna karenina (beatrice forgot she put it in there when she let klaus read it) and figured immediately that it had to be his father, and he kept it (maybe he showed it to ramona, who was like, ‘yep, that was your father. goodness, I forgot how awful his hair looked back then.’)

they’re probably reading some book about geography (klaus is into geography at the time)

klaus: my mother says that for my birthday next year, she’ll take me on a trip to see the famous hinterlands sunset.

violet: my father’s shown me pictures, but he agrees that it’s a lot prettier in person, but he’s also not one for planes.

klaus: well, I don’t believe hinterlands are technically confined to one geographical area, i’m sure there’s more than just in california – here, i’m sure there must be more information in the index.

violet: when’s your birthday, klaus?

klaus: january 8th.

violet: !!!! that’s my birthday!

klaus: !!! that is an extraordinary coincidence.

I never said these kids were smart.

klaus: violet, what’s your father like?

violet: he’s kind of quiet, but he’s very kind. oh, I have a picture of him – well, sort of –

she pulls out from one of her own books a picture of lemony, from behind, sitting at his desk at his typewriter, absolutely no recognizable features present whatsoever

violet: he didn’t know aunt kit was taking the picture, otherwise he would’ve turned around.

violet: actually, even then he probably wouldn’t have? he insists he’s not very photogenic.

violet: what about your father?

klaus: i’ve never met him. he’s – my mother doesn’t talk about him much, but I got the impression that they divorced shortly after I was born.

violet: oh, gosh. i’m sorry, klaus.

violet: ….sometimes I think I get that impression too, about my parents.

klaus: i’m sorry too, violet.

and if this were a snicket novel, insert soft, gentle explanation about divorce and commiseration and finding kindred spirits in your friends and how sometimes love does not work out and the affects we don’t realize it has on the children who watch it happen or see the aftermath and are left with the gnawing wonder of what went wrong and how violet and klaus each wonder, a little, what the cause was, and it can be very lonely, at the end of the day, to know that even if you have one parent who loves you very much, there is someone out there who may not love you at all, and never got the chance to know you to love you, and an even deeper part of you that wonders – no matter how young you were – were you the cause of it?

violet: oh, but I – I have a picture of my mother, my aunt kit gave it to me – I have it in my suitcase

violet: /gets up to get the picture

klaus: I, I have a picture of my father, too, in fact I think it’s stuck in this book somewhere in the back, I didn’t want to forget it

and

as violet goes to sit back down with the picture of her mother, the half-picture of beatrice from her wedding day, klaus pulls out from the index the half-picture of lemony from his wedding day

and they are

STUNNED

to realize

this is, of course, the exact same picture.

there’s a lot of hugging and crying.

so they realize they’re siblings!!! and then decide try to figure out what the hell even happened with their parents, because now that they know they’re fucking related and still somehow wound up meeting each other they realize that there has to be some incredibly detailed story behind the reasoning for their parents splitting up and now they have not just proof but an actual opportunity to find out and maybe, just maybe, get their parents back together in the process!!! it worked once!!! it could work again, why not!!!!!

AND SO THEY DECIDE TO SWAP PLACES. (contrary to hallie having the idea, it occurs to them at the same time.)

meanwhile

for the past, say, YEAR, or so, bea has been seeing bertrand, a friend from her childhood (just narrowly managing to keep it from klaus BECAUSE it will involve A Conversation About Lemony and Commitment and Marriage and Things Not Working Out and Falling In Love With Someone Else and look bea is good at a lot of things but it’s a really heavy subject for her that even after eleven years she hasn’t quite figured out how to parse, so she’s really been putting off trying to explain all of that to klaus, in a case of her vastly underestimating her son [bea you see all the books he reads…….talk to your son]), and things are going well between them and they love each other a lot and!!! they decide to get married.

how do they meet up again??? bertrand winds up going to one of her plays completely on accident. he’s been on the other side of the country for years and years and he happens to go to napa and hears about this play happening and he’s like ‘well that sounds really neat!’ because bertrand had a short-lived theater career in high school and doesn’t act all that much anymore but appreciates a good play! who doesn’t appreciate a good play??

(bertrand played lieutenant frank cioffi in his senior year production of curtains to rave local newspaper reviews. bea, meanwhile, gave a stunning performance as carmen bernstein [esme wanted to be carmen so fucking bad and she’s never forgotten that bea got the role instead, and that would not even factor into this au even if esme WAS in this au] [esme was, instead, jessica cranshaw (if it was a small school she maybe doubled as bambi), ramona was niki harris, olivia played johnny harmon, olaf was…...daryl grady……..which pains me to write cause the guy I had a crush on in high school played daryl, josephine and ike played georgia hendricks and aaron fox, jacquelyn and gustav were head of stage crew, lemony supported them all from the audience – unless lemony was sasha????!!!!!!!! okay lemony was totally sasha.]) (wow I got unnecessarily invested in their high school drama club.) (IS THEODORA THE DRAMA ADVISOR?????? oh my god. oh my god she’d be so bad at it but so good. i’m dying.

theodora: snicket you need to FLOURISH your baton with MUCH MORE GUSTO

lemony: I am going to flourish this baton right up your –

bertrand: HE’S DECIDED AGAINST IT THANK YOU MISS MARKSON)

(hey you ever write a parallel that’s so good you hate it????? olivia is johnny. olaf is daryl.)

(I usually headcanon bertrand as two years older than bea and lemony but for the purposes of this au they’re all the same age – however bertrand joined drama club first, and I picture lemony as more of a band kid than a drama kid, they probably just pull him in for curtains.

was lemony drum major???? I want to say ‘hell no’ but I also want to say ‘most cryptic drum major ever, lead the most bizarre championship performance in the school’s history, somehow still won’) (I wonder what song it was to???? that right there is where my secondhand band knowledge conks out.) (but if I HAD to supply ‘bizarre, cryptic song for championships’ I would probably pick like, david lynch’s dark night of the soul or something, idk.) (but like, listen to it and just imagine it with marching band instruments……….i kind of like it. i’m kind of digging it.)

ANYWAY BERTRAND LOVES SEEING PLAYS and he goes to see it and he has NO IDEA bea is even in it and he’s like SUPER THROWN to see her but also???? really excited! it’s been eleven years!!! he can talk to her!!!! he finds her after the play and bea immediately drops whatever she was holding and is just like???? absolutely breathless to see him again (it’s been ELEVEN YEARS, cats. oh god no it’s been more like FIFTEEN YEARS since bertrand has seen bea cause they haven’t spoken since high school oh no that hurts even MORE). a giantass hug is involved. bea spins bertrand around. they make plans to see each other later. then they start hanging out, and they like, reconcile from their weird high school fallout and have a really neat relationship)

(so

the high school fallout

lemony and bea and bertrand were all delightful friends since they were kids (well, lemony and bea were, bertrand moved to town and joined their class when they were freshman in high school). they all had stupid crushes on each other, uggg. there was. an incident. at the end of their school escapades that resulted in a falling out with bertrand (maybe they had an idea of how they all felt and just couldn’t or weren’t ready to figure it out and it sort of. drove a wedge between them. not on purpose, it was just the way it happened to work out, with teenage emotions and refusing to talk about things and uncertainty. lemony+bea and bertrand went their separate ways after graduation, lemony and bea married right out of college, bertrand does his own thing, life goes on.) (maybe there was like some prom drama about who was gonna take who and who asked who first or something (at my junior prom, I was ready to kill the guy I asked who turned me down for that very reason). I mean that’s legit???? prom drama is incredibly legit. why is there so much drama at prom??????)

(honestly after going back and writing the production of curtains and remembering the (specifically romance-related) drama I witnessed happening among the drama club at my high school (I wasn’t in drama but I had a startling number of friends who were) i’m surprised they had the drama at prom and not in the middle of drama club, but i’m still going to stand by ‘prom drama.’)

(and I feel like it was prom drama of the type that’s like, low-key there and A Thing people think about but no one talks about or addresses so the whole night is real awkward and you worry something is gonna break out at any second but nothing does but you’re still obsessively on your toes about it. like, that simultaneously high-strung just-there high school romance drama angst that’s just this ever-present layer coloring everything that people say and do, hyped up specifically because it’s PROM. they probably all danced with each other and the dances were all cut short because of Feelings and Awkwardness and no one knew what to do, the whole damn night.)

and like, bertrand, going off to college and a little heartbroken but unwilling to try and do anything about it, is upset, but bertrand is also bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire, and honestly he wants them to be happy (bertrand is……..very non-confrontational……….and it is honestly his downfall, he likes to have fun and be nice and kind, and to acknowledge scary things is to actually deal with them and that scares bertrand so much, he buries a lot of things – so do bea and lemony, and in fact all of vfd, but in very different ways. bertrand has achieved a sort of Chill™ that bea and lemony just do not have) so he just goes on with his life, he does date other people but nothing ends in marriage, he becomes a librarian in maine and is actually only in california originally for a few months to help manage some of the collections at local libraries. then he runs into bea and he doesn’t like INTEND for a romance to happen (and neither does bea, which I also firmly stand behind for their canon romance too), he still planned to leave at the end of the few months, but it happens and bertrand feels a lot more secure in himself and his feelings about people than he did in high school and they really do love each other, a lot

oh he went to college for library science!!!! obviously lemony majored in lit and bea majored in theater and music)

(OH NO WAS BERTRAND AT THE WEDDING?????? oh no bertrand was not at the wedding. I mean he’s certainly invited but bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire is also bertrand ‘vaguely heartbroken, does not want to interfere, can actually honestly only take so much’ baudelaire and he says that he’ll be unable to make it. sigh. I want to say he sends a sweet wedding gift or even just flowers but man that makes me so sad to think about lemony and bea getting that on/around their wedding day and THEM being sad and i’m too sad now, bertrand does not send a gift. (he’s torn up about not sending a gift for some time. years later, walking through an antique shop, he is struck with the ‘Years Later But Still Feels Like It Just Happened And Oh Shit Why Did I Do That’ brand of Lingering Awful Anxiety™ about all that.)

HE DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THE DIVORCE until he meets up with bea and she tells him.

bertrand: so how’s lemony????

beatrice: ahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahhahhahhahhahahaaaa!!!!!!

beatrice: ahahaha

beatrice: ahaha.

beatrice: …….oh you genuinely do not know oh shit i’m sorry

(I wanted so badly to put in my ‘bertrand and olivia were good cute friends and actually are penpals and like lemony and ramona’s ongoing card game they have an ongoing checkers game’ headcanon but it just. won’t. fit. in. here. cause why wouldn’t olivia have told him about the divorce???? I mean it’s bea’s thing to tell, NOT olivia’s, but to occasionally write to bertrand for YEARS and never mention she and ramona live with bea?????? I think that’s a little much.)

(does bertrand ever try and convince bea to reconcile with lemony???? I feel like at this point in his life he WOULD but bea would have very early on and very firmly vetoed that. and bertrand wouldn’t necessarily be happy about it but respects her wishes. not because he wants bea all to himself. but because bertrand is also quite frankly still. a little nervous re: navigating relationships. like he’s for sure A LOT BETTER at it now but like!!!! especially with lemony like bertrand is TERRIFIED of seeing lemony again. he really is. I think he thinks lemony blames him for stuff even though lemony does not. and I don’t want it to seem like bertrand’s……….just sort of swooping in and taking bea and not letting her talk to lemony????? cause it’s not that, it’s not that at all

they do really love each other

and just because bertrand’s grown as a person doesn’t mean he’s PERFECT

and bea certainly Does Not want to talk to lemony

it’s just, nick never mentions to meredith that hallie’s a twin and meredith HATES hallie and annie anyway, but bertrand does not hate kids and I just wonder, has bea told him about violet???????? like why wouldn’t she????????

so I mean yeah they probably have talked about it, and probably still came to the same conclusion, bea Does Not want to talk to lemony either, just, not right now, and yeah bertrand isn’t delighted about it but he’s like ‘alright, okay.’ because he still understands her reasoning and for all his talk he really doesn’t want to talk to lemony either

but it’s, I think it’s a thing, in the back of their minds, a worry that hits them sometimes, have they done something wrong, trying to forget)

(and this is why planning takes so much time because I always have so many stupid questions about characters)

(when bea and lemony were young and in college and extraordinarily drunk they would come up with new titles for bertrand, because they forgot they were trying not to talk about him

beatrice: bertrand ‘best hair this side of the mississippi’ baudelaire

lemony: bertrand ‘smooth hands’ baudelaire

beatrice: bertrand –

beatrice: wait do you mean like, his legit hands or like what he DOES with his hands

lemony, trying very hard not to think about Doing Things with Hands: ……..both

lemony: I definitely mean both

beatrice: good, I agree

beatrice: bertrand ‘i WILL dance the charleston and no one will stop me and I do not care’ baudelaire

lemony: bertrand ‘softest reading voice’ baudelaire

lemony: no no, wait, bertrand ‘BEST reading voice’ baudelaire, remember when he read ee cummings

beatrice: bertrand ‘i read lord of the flies and cried at the end’ baudelaire

lemony: oh bea are you complimenting him or being mean

beatrice: lemony I read lord of the flies and threw it out the fucking window when that kid killed piggy

beatrice: that was a compliment)

(ee cummings is because I have a scene in another fic where bertrand reads ‘maggie and milly and molly and may’ to beatrice and lemony and gosh…..i hope I get to use it at some point, it was a beautiful scene)

(they probably stop talking about bertrand like, sophomore year of college, idk, it just gets too hard and they become really miserable drunk nineteen-year-olds about it, and that’s not cool) (AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO DO THAT)

ANYWAY, back to violet and klaus, who are still at camp and have decided to switch places!

ultimately, violet (like hallie) is supposed to find out how bea and lemony got together, and klaus (like annie) is supposed to find out why they broke up

violet cuts her hair (she’s a little bummed because she likes her hair but at least it won’t get in her way when inventing) and pierces klaus’s ears (klaus is so UP FOR THIS he’s very excited, also he keeps himself calm during it by telling violet the history of ear piercing) (these kids are either canonically very good at rationalizing or it’s just me radically projecting again…..or both), klaus practices wandering around without glasses (he bumps into EVERYTHING), violet practices how to fucking wear glasses and not die (she falls over EVERYTHING), of course violet already has an appreciation for books but she has to get the definition thing down (and growing up with lemony ‘a phrase which here means’ snicket left her with a pretty unorthodox idea of word meanings sometimes

klaus: so an optimist is someone who sees a positive side in any situation, like –

violet: say, if their arm was bit off by an alligator, a pessimist would say, “ahh! my arm!” and an optimist would say, “well, this isn’t too bad, no one will wonder if i’m right or left handed now.”

klaus: ……….what sort of person is our father

violet: he’s very specific about words.)

klaus has to figure out?????? how to invent on the fly????? (he’s seen beatrice macgyver a million things together but he’s still not sure how she does it) and the two of them teach each other about their lives, beatrice and lemony, ramona and olivia and kit and dewey and bernadette

violet: bernadette is really delightful, but you need to watch out for her

klaus: well, she is six years old –

violet: no, I mean, she can appear at a moment’s notice, and I don’t know who taught her how to pick locks, because I certainly didn’t and father can’t pick locks, but she can do it in under seven seconds.

(jacques taught her how to pick locks (he also taught violet). I don’t know where vfd fits into all this or if it even does in this fanfic but like, just try and tell me these guys don’t still act like absurd spies in any universe anyway.) (also I think lockpicking is, in general, a handy life skill, even if you aren’t living the absurd spy life.)

klaus: mother is, um

klaus: a little embarrassing

violet: how so?

klaus: she once scaled a ten foot wall because I forgot my lunch.

(ramona: hey so why did becoming a parent rob you of your top-notch secrecy skills?

[not necessarily, though, I mean, she does a great job scaling the ten-foot wall in complete secrecy. bea just, has a lot of love for her son, and is VERY OBVIOUS ABOUT IT, is the thing]

beatrice: ramona have you SEEN my son

beatrice: I will take a BULLET for him

beatrice: preferably in a non-critical area so we can hang out afterwards.

beatrice: but if I have to embarrass the shit out of him to make sure he eats, I WILL)

violet: father is the same way, a little. he keeps crying on the first day of school and I don’t have the heart to break it to him that I might be too old for that.

klaus: mother calls encouraging phrases from the car, which I think she does to prevent me from walking into school too fast.

violet: you know, they really sound like they were made for each other.

(lemony and bea, like, separately, are such legit disaster parents and I love them, they love their kids so damn much.)

the last day of camp comes, and it is time for them to officially swap places – violet goes to beatrice, klaus goes to lemony!

klaus recites book themes to himself the whole plane ride to england to keep himself calm because he’s trying not to think about how worried and excited he is!!! he’s going to meet his father for the first time!! truth be told, he knows pretty much nothing about lemony, even after talking to violet!!! IT’S A LOT FOR ANY KID TO TAKE IN, to suddenly think ‘yeah this was a good plan – oh fuck’

anyway, he meets kit at the airport, because kit is there to pick up violet. (kit and violet do not have a secret handshake. they have, of course, dart-throwing contests. of course that doesn’t make sense in an airport, but whatever. that’s their thing.)

why does kit pick klaus up at the airport instead of lemony??? I mean kit is in martin’s role but she’s NOT martin, you know, she’s lemony’s sister and definitely does not wait on him, but she does drop violet off at camp anyway, although in the movie that’s to prevent elizabeth (and nick) from showing up until the kids switch for Maximum Emotional Impact, but like lemony is obviously not THAT fucking busy he can’t pick up his own daughter

I had the thought that like kit is maybe his manager (on the side, otherwise she has….god some other job)??? does that work for a writer???? i’m a writer and I don’t even know. whatever. and kit maybe scheduled a reading that day by accident months in advance and couldn’t change it, or it runs long, so she has to get violet (klaus) from the airport

(moxie is still his editor, only she lives way out of town and they send angry emails to each other all the time about his work)

also ties in with hallie’s scene where she looks at elizabeth’s vanity and says she’s super cool about the wedding dresses cause I love that scene a LOT and I want klaus to think his stupid dad’s cool!!!

kit: violet, I am all for the beginning of your teenage rebellion with this new hairstyle but I should inform you that your father may just die.

klaus: you think he won’t like it??

[read: YOU THINK HE WON’T LIKE ME]

kit: he’ll probably come around to it. he’s still at his reading, do you want to surprise him?

klaus: !!!!!!

klaus: yes!

the reading is huge. I have no damn idea what lemony writes in this au, definitely not danhan’s stuff cause it’s not his vibe, but he still writes the picture books (although there are YEARS between them irl he wrote the composer is dead and the dark for bernadette before she became, in her words, Too Old For That Sort of Thing although she still secretly really likes them and reads the dark every night before she goes to bed. bernadette, in contrast to babybea, is fucking terrified of the dark but tries to like rationalize it out by thinking through the science of light or something, and then by just rereading the dark), oh he probably like, okay so he can’t just write asoue but he probably writes some other great children’s book series with the same sort of writing style and moral discussion, and the picture books

and violet told klaus he wrote stuff and bea like…..knows he does and refuses to talk about it but reads ramona’s copies in the middle of the night (and then has to stop doing that cause it bums her out too much), but klaus has no idea about it or how good it is and he’s so impressed, sitting at the back of this giant giant theater, and klaus loves books, he loves them with all his heart, and to sit there and see his father, for the first time in his whole life, doing something that klaus thinks is so incredibly cool

klaus: wow.

okay, so, the damn relief and happiness on lemony’s face when he sees kit and klaus

has he been imagining terrible airplane accidents for the past week? weeks? MONTHS??? yes he has.

he sees them once he gets offstage and immediately runs at this child (or, at least, definitely fastwalks.) and sweeps klaus up into this giant giant hug

klaus is!!! overwhelmed by the amount of sheer unadulterated love in this hug oh no i’m crying

putting aside that he’s pretending to be violet, this is the first time he gets a hug from his father and even if lemony thinks he’s violet klaus is still the one getting the hug and it’s just, a lot, man, it’s a lot, that scene in the movie where elizabeth hugs hallie is exactly the vibe right here god it’s so fucking sweet

lemony: oh, goodness – what happened to your hair?

klaus: I – I cut it. do you –

lemony is in the process of remembering that scissors and haircuts exist, he’s a little blindsided here

lemony: no, no – haircuts are things that happen, at one time or another, to all of us.

lemony: i’m just so happy that you’re back.

he just. hugs klaus again. god I can’t handle how much lemony loves his kids. klaus is really emotional and I’M really emotional I have to move on

on the ride home (kit is still driving)

lemony: so how was it at camp?

klaus: /frantically thinking of how he’s going to pull off something violet would say now that he’s HERE and has to act like her and decides to just be honest and hope it comes out okay

klaus: I had a lot of fun; the outdoors are incredibly pulchritudinous.

lemony: /thoroughly convinced that the outdoors has finally instilled violet with a greater poetic sense

I NEVER SAID THEIR PARENTS WERE SMART EITHER

do you know how wild the plot of this movie really is, when you get down to it, parents not recognizing their kids wtf have I done

violet can act pretty passably as klaus, but klaus, even employing beatrice’s acting techniques, just can’t act. but the one who finds him out is bernadette, like half an hour after he gets home.

[you can tell what scenes originally started this outline because they’re actually written like scenes, this was one of them]

[bernadette stares at klaus with wide, curious eyes over the top of her book. “you’re not violet,” she says.

the bottom of klaus’s stomach drops clear out. “what?”

“violet doesn’t squint when she’s confused,” bernadette says. “she frowns and puts her hair up. and it’s something she’s used to doing, so even if her hair was cut, she’d still reach for a ribbon, out of habit. you’re klaus. shouldn’t you have glasses? mother says aunt beatrice wore glasses.”

“how – how did you know about me?”

bernadette rolls her eyes. “i know everything,” she says loftily, for a six year old. “i can read, after all.”]

bernadette is the best kid. so I love babybea so much but babybea in canon is like…..still very on point but very quiet about it, because she’s grown up with really so little interaction with people????? she’s like a really subdued kid because she’s had to be so independent and do so many things herself. and she’s got her firm, almost unshakable optimism. so bernadette is still very quick and clever but a LOT more precocious about it and pretty boisterous for six years old and just. even more like kit than babybea is. her optimism is a little more…..sharp in this. I don’t think she understands embarrassment, as a thing that people experience, because she sure doesn’t. she’s just like, ‘well why don’t you just try again??????’ and it’s so great to see that inherent commitment to existence in a six year old

(an important sidenote from my bernadette headcanon list, though, is that she really does just read everything. she reads cereal boxes and magazines and reports and all the papers on lemony’s desk and really just absolutely anything she can get her hands on, and she’s easily bored so she goes looking for stuff sometimes and she’s good at putting things together, so that’s how she knows about klaus.)

[“i’m not gonna tell anybody,” she says. “i wanna see what happens. uncle lemony’s kind of lonely, you know? and aunt beatrice – when they talk about her – always sounded really nice.”]

bernadette makes it her MISSION to help klaus act more like violet and cover for him as much as she can

bernadette: you need to walk different

bernadette: and hold yourself a little taller

bernadette: here, keep this wrench in your pocket, violet likes wrenches

bernadette: and this ribbon!!! she didn’t give you any????

bernadette: oh, make sure you stare off into the distance while eating and think about machines or something

klaus: how do you notice all these things???

bernadette: ?????? doesn’t everybody?????? she’s your sister, you two didn’t follow each other around to try and pin down how you act????

klaus: …..do you do that, bernadette

bernadette: regularly. I can impersonate anyone’s footsteps. except my mother’s, because I think she keeps wearing different shoes on purpose. i’ll show you sometime.

so, armed with This Random Wrench and a lot of acting details that he can’t process very well, klaus HANGS OUT WITH LEMONY

so klaus spends a lot of time in the library in lemony’s house (which also doubles as lemony’s office, it’s big enough that he and violet can take separate corners and know each other’s there but not run into each other if they don’t want to (especially good for klaus pretending to be violet because no one has to see him TOTALLY FAIL AT INVENTING)), and it has so many books and klaus is so thrilled

klaus has to try and bring up bea and find out how they met, only, DISCREETLY

[gosh this one is a lot harder without “so doesn’t designing all those wedding dresses make you think about getting married again?”, especially because the truly spectacular “f word” line doesn’t make sense with lemony but what can you do]

he probably goes up to lemony while lemony’s at his desk because klaus figures, the easiest way could be to relate to something on the desk

AS purposeful narrative coincidence LUCK WOULD HAVE IT lemony is looking for something in his desk and you know lemony keeps the most inconsequential things and has accidentally dug out his plaque for ‘one semester of cheerleader participation’

klaus, immediately thrown by this news: you were a cheerleader?

lemony: mm? oh, my, I forgot about that.

he smiles at the plaque and dusts it off and my heart is m e l t i n g

lemony: yes, in high school. I wasn’t the only boy on the team, as a matter of fact. a – a friend of mine did it with me.

klaus: why were you on the cheerleading squad?

lemony, trapped in this conversation now: well – your mother was on the soccer team. I was not what you would call athletically inclined at the time, so I joined to support her.

klaus: !!!!!!!

klaus: my – my mother?

this was a fact he did not know about beatrice, as a matter of fact

lemony, realizing that children are going to be curious about their parents and, well, okay, it’s been eleven years, I probably won’t see beatrice again (ahahahahaha.), and my child deserves to know: yes. she was very good at soccer, among other talents, although she didn’t last very long in her soccer career.

klaus: why not?

[if this man was PAYING ATTENTION he would have noticed for sure that klaus is much more straightforward than violet.]

lemony, remembering that time beatrice launched herself across the soccer field and accidentally tackled the assistant coach and dragged him through the mud: she and the coach disagreed on some of the physical aspects of the game.

klaus, dying to hear what lemony’s going to say: what was she like?

lemony, immediately remembering the details of their divorce but also a series of Shenanigans from their school days that he should never repeat to anyone, then resolving to be kind about it: very charming and resourceful.

lemony: she had a great deal of verve.

lemony: I see a lot of it in you.

klaus is touched, I’M touched, god fucking dammit

klaus resolves to leave it there and decides to dig around lemony’s desk later for other things about bea and lemony when lemony isn’t looking

which he promptly does, that night.

klaus sees his typewriter and pictures of kit and jacques and there’s probably one of ramona (in a drawer) (sorry, ramona.) and in a secret compartment in the desk is a pic of bea (maybe one of bertrand too?) (definitely one of bertrand too) and some letters from bea (klaus recognizes her handwriting)

(watch it be something like, some stupid candygram she sent him for valentine’s day that says dear lemony, [the content of this candygram has been censored by the school administration] love bea!!!!!) (bea gets detention for a week for the content of the candygram.) (the second candygram gets through but it’s only because bea writes it so thoroughly in code that the school administration, at a passing glance, cannot see how raunchy it is. but also very heartfelt. it is genuinely heartfelt.) (so of course he has some from bertrand too. because bertrand sent everyone a candygram. they’re all so friendly but so sweet and so cute and bertrand’s just breaking my heart in this whole fic I love him so much) (they’re stuff like, i’m so happy we’re friends! happy valentine’s day! i made sure this candygram doesn’t have anything that will conflict with your peanut allergy! like some fucking NERD and i’m SOBBING) (because you know bertrand was on student council and helped with the candygrams, bea and lemony were definitely not on student council)

(bea: what gets me is that they still sent it!! they censored my loving sonnet about your ass but they still sent it!!!!!!

bertrand: I guess nothing stops true love?

lemony: or, nothing stops beatrice mariner. [you’d have to kill me before I conceded to ‘beatrice kornbluth.’ anyway one of kornbluth’s pen names was mariner so that’s my compromise.])

klaus thinks the candygrams are so fucking embarrassing and also had no idea his mother was capable of such language but then again, no, she is, but he also thinks they’re charming and evidence that lemony still has feelings for beatrice, if he kept them!!

he’s, intrigued, a little concerned, but not very worried about this mysterious picture of a strange man and his own candygrams, although klaus concedes they too are very sweet.

MEANWHILE, back in california

bea is so so so so so excited to pick up klaus (not knowing it’s violet) from the airport, like she manages to sit still for most of the wait but in the last half hour she just sort of bounces around the airport and buys a series of irritating, tasteless teas (“fuck this tea is so bland yes i’m ordering another one, ramona, don’t judge me”) and reads the same newspaper over and over again and when the flight comes in she’s ECSTATIC, MY GIRL IS BOUNCING ALL OVER THE PLACE

she’s the kind of like……...vaguely silly but a little (a lot) overprotective (?) parent

like beatrice is the one SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS WHEN SHE SEES HER KID CAUSE SHE’S SO THRILLED, she’s just very vocal about how much she loves….

[I actually rewrote some of bea in this (or, changed the amount of capitals I had her using) because, like, bea is delightful and charming and very smooth but she’s also got such passion for life, she loves to be delighted and she loves to laugh, and she’s so smooth and sarcastic but like!!!! I love beatrice when she’s having a good time, but I got worried that she was leaning too silly in this which. irritated me.

like, in canon I feel like she is incredibly mischievous but once she gets married and has kids, she’s still very on point and loves her kids very openly but she becomes a lot more straight-laced because she’s so intent to protect them, so much so that I think she loses a little of that mischievousness. but considering the fluctuating capacity of vfd vibes in this au, I think she is a little more…….loose in this. the other thing about bea is that her veneer of perfection is her best acting job of all time, and divorcing lemony and being a single mother and raising klaus puts a big dent in that and makes her even more determined to try and wring as much joy out of life as she can without letting people know how much she has to deal with]

violet, upon getting off the plane and seeing beatrice: oh.

beatrice: look at youuuuuuuuuu LOOK AT YOU!!! you’ve got everything??? all your limbs???? nothing broken????

she says all this while like running straight at violet and patting her down and then giving her the biggest hug of all time. violet is engulfed in this hug and!!! she thought her father gave tight hugs but this is something else

I think lemony puts a lot of warmth in his hugs but beatrice puts this endless amount of joy, along with love, into her hugs, and violet’s life up until this point has been very low-key and surrounded by adults who excel at deadpanning their dialogue so this is!!! very strange but very exciting!!! because violet herself also has this very bright enthusiasm that other people in her family don’t have the same way she does so as much as it’s so different to meet beatrice it’s really cool!!!!!

[for the record, bertrand’s hugs exude safety]

re: pierced ears

beatrice: oh, ramona and olivia are gonna be real upset.

beatrice: they definitely wanted to be involved in your first rebellious teenager act.

beatrice: then again, so did I??

violet: doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a rebellious act?

beatrice, going in for a side-hug: …...i missed that snark so much

does beatrice have a dog???? she’s really not a dog person. neither are ramona and olivia (dogs scare olivia. in fact, most things scare olivia. the toaster scares olivia. she’s so nervous and I love her.) (it’s less of a josephine fear and more of a ‘please leave me alone!!!’ sort of startled fear, is how I see it)

if there is a pet, ramona and olivia have a cat that olivia named annabelle, and she’s a sweet, all-white cat who loves cuddles. she does not even care that violet isn’t klaus. she’s just like, ‘this person has arms!! this person can cuddle.’ annabelle is the best, most chill cat. (although I headcanon that bea is allergic to cats – but that was just cause I was allergic to cats, and now that i’m not allergic to cats????? GUESS IT’S FREE REIN NOW) (anyway the cat is still ramona and olivia’s.)

so bea has to introduce klaus (violet!) to bertrand, and, oh, bea

she really has been putting this conversation off for quite some time, and she decides to just, go for it, as she’s driving violet home

beatrice: klaus, there’s, there’s someone i’d like you to meet

violet: who?

beatrice: an old friend of mine. we’ve been talking recently, and he means a great deal to me, and if you don’t like him, then that’ll be it, but – I really want him to be a part of our lives, klaus. I know it’s a big change, but I’d like you to give him a chance.

violet is REALLY, REALLY THROWN HERE because she and klaus are supposed to get their parents back together!!! this isn’t supposed to happen!!! this is supposed to be a happy ending without this NEW CHALLENGER (UNACCEPTED!!!!), how is she supposed to ask about lemony now???????

violet: oh, um

violet: well, I would like to meet him

she resolves to be HARD AND UNCOMPROMISING when she meets bertrand, but, well, then she meets bertrand fucking baudelaire. bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire. bertrand ‘just desperately wants to make a good impression on his fiance’s son’ baudelaire. god I love him. what a guy.

especially because bertrand really does just want to make a good impression, and he knows klaus is into geography right now so he brings this absolutely impressive atlas as a gift

not as an attempt to bribe klaus into liking him, but to show that he’s supportive of his interests!!!!

bertrand, sweetest man alive, shaking violet’s hand: i’m so excited to finally meet you!!

violet, blindsided by the sweetest man alive: oh, thank – thank you. it’s very nice to meet you too.

bertrand: I heard you were into geography, so I brought this atlas for you! I hope it’s alright.

violet, holding the biggest, heaviest atlas she’s ever seen in her life: oh. that’s very kind of you.

they spend some time looking through it because it has so many cool details

he stays for a while and then bows out gracefully because he cares so much, hello i’m dying, and then beatrice asks violet what she thought

violet: I –

violet: I liked him a lot.

beatrice: are you sure? because I swear, it’s fine, klaus, if you’re uncomfortable, it’s absolutely okay, it’s –

violet: no no! it’s fine!

[read: IT’S NOT FINE]

violet: I have this….atlas, now.

beatrice: you could kill a man with that.

violet: probably! I probably could.

beatrice: ….so it’s okay?

violet: ….it’s okay, mother.

[read: IT’S NOT OKAY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN SHE SAY HERE] [hey you know when you take out how much of an awful person meredith is you are left with a lot less humor in this situation.]

beatrice: I don’t know what I did to deserve a child like you, klaus.

cue good, squishy hug.

[personally I cannot fathom marrying someone else and having twins and raising one of them and not trying to have a relationship with your other child because you didn’t want to work things out with first spouse, but I never said I myself was smart either, in what I chose to write (I NEVER SAID I TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT)

anyway, I do think when bea says that, she thinks about it for a second

that (as far as she knows) this is klaus, she’s known him his whole life, and she had so little time with violet and maybe she would be sweet and clever too and she doesn’t know

she doesn’t know!!!!!!!

and it tears her apart for a split second that she doesn’t have everything and before she can let it eat her alive she shoves it down and forgets about it like she does with everything else and just, moves on] [time is a scary thing – if this much time has passed, what can you do? do they care? is it easier to do nothing or does that hurt more? does it even matter when both parents know their kids don’t know about their sibling or their other parent (or as far as they know at this moment)??? does that possibly make it even a little easier????] [anyway.]

because of bertrand – or, not necessarily bertrand, but more, ‘wedding shenanigans,’ but also, yeah, bertrand – violet also spends comparatively little time with beatrice

she wants to dislike him on principle, but can’t because he’s just???? so nice!!!! he talks seriously to her about her parents and about her (well, klaus) and really wants to get to know her (well, klaus) violet is begrudgingly impressed. violet thinks klaus would be really impressed too. but she’s real worried about what means for lemony and beatrice

especially since they did this not only to get their parents back together but to spend time with the opposite parent, like!!! violet has spent practically zero (0) time with bea to get to know her!!!!

so she holds off for a little bit and just genuinely hopes bertrand will somehow be less nice

this is hard, when bertrand helps bea make dinner ever night (klaus was VERY EXPLICIT that beatrice allows NO ONE in the kitchen when she’s cooking so there’s that) and he talks so damn OPENLY to violet about being a presence in her life

bertrand: klaus, I hope you don’t think i’m intruding in your life.

violet: I understand where you’re coming from when you say that but remarriage is in fact a part of life that occurs with some frequency.

[not only death and taxes, but haircuts and remarriage….]

violet: mother said you were an old friend, though?

bertrand: yes, we went to school together.

violet: if you don’t think it’s too rude of a question

violet: you strike me as the type of person who would have had a high school sweetheart and I am perhaps a little concerned that you didn’t marry my mother earlier.

inside, violet is cringing but it’s a very klaus line.

bertrand: !

bertrand: oh, well, we didn’t date each other in high school.

violet: ! you didn’t?

bertrand: no, there was –

bertrand has been. avoiding these feelings for some time. but he’s so struck by them that he has NO poker face in this situation

bertrand: – it just didn’t work out at the time, that’s all.

but fuck violet is absolutely stunned by that look on his face

she’s never seen someone look so heartbroken before and she is, concerned, but that’s mostly ignored in favor of the sheer stress of the situation

and violet does actually get kind of angry!! about bertrand being such a good person!! she starts to get really frustrated!!! like I picture this happening over, maybe a week

she hates that she can’t tie her hair back and her thoughts are all jumbled and that she has to wear glasses and she misses her dad and she loves beatrice a lot but NOTHING IS WORKING OUT LIKE SHE WANTED IT TO

and she has to wear klaus’s glasses and keeps taking them off when she’s sure no one’s looking to rub her eyes man I want to give this kid a hug

but she also wants to make her mom happy!!! fuck this is a mess

violet: he’s been – a lot kinder than I thought he would be.

beatrice: yeah, he has that effect on people.

beatrice: when we were in high school, we called him “bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire.”

beatrice is viscerally reminded of Being Drunk In College and tries to shrug it off

however, violet, growing up with two detail-oriented snickets, does not miss a single thing

violet: we?

beatrice: oh, you know – nicknames, nicknames stick, klaus, everybody calls everybody things!!

violet: it just sounded as if you were….

violet: /casts around for the correct grammatical term, she’s committed, but comes up with nothing because hell even I don’t know, apologies to my grammar professor from college

violet: ….using ‘we’ to mean just you and someone else and not necessarily lots of people.

beatrice is actually vaguely suspicious to hear Less Technical Grammar but chalks it up to the situation

beatrice: well, I mean, we had friends, of course – ramona and olivia!! that’s!! that’s who i’m talking about!! that’s all!!

violet remembers that ramona gave klaus his half of the wedding picture, and klaus told her what ramona said, that ramona didn’t like lemony’s hair at the time, and violet’s done the math, she knows how old lemony and bea are and that she and klaus were born not long after they left college, and with this sudden but persistent reluctance to talk about An Additional Person from high school from both bea and bertrand, violet is terribly suspicious that there could, in fact, be much more to this than she initially thought

beatrice: don’t forget, we start looking at hotels for wedding reception venues this week, okay?

violet: okay.

so, that night, violet, now alerted to the possibility that there could be a connection between bertrand and her father, and also DESPERATELY HOPING THERE IS ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT WOULD CAUSE HER SO MUCH LESS STRESS, goes digging

she grew up with bernadette for the past six years (and has also seen lemony create giant information webs to map out books), VIOLET KNOWS HOW TO GET INFORMATION AND PUT IT TOGETHER

she starts looking for yearbooks – they all went to the same school, for years, they have to be somewhere, but violet can’t find anything in the library, or ramona’s studio, or olivia’s office, or beatrice’s hiding place (the kitchen), and then looks through their desks for papers or plaques or photographs or anything that could give her a hint (nope)

if there is one thing she’s learned from bernadette, but also her father, it’s that the best place to hide something is usually in plain sight, which leads violet back to the library, pulling out boring-looking books to see if anything is stored behind them or in them (still nope)

this leads to violet CLIMBING THE BOOKCASES to reach the top shelf because adults are taller than her and put things on high shelves

and lo and behold, there it is, the senior year yearbook.

violet has a HEART-STOPPING MOMENT in the downward climb (which she’s doing one-handed anyway) where she almost steps on annabelle who she hadn’t realized was sleeping on a shelf and violet is TERRIFIED but annabelle, chillest cat in the world™, just yawns at her and picks a different shelf

annabelle is no sammy.

so, curled up in a library chair, violet finds not only pictures of beatrice and bertrand and lemony in the yearbook, but also a giant section of papers that fold out from the back cover where apparently lemony had more than the average length of a yearbook comment to say to her

violet, vaguely skimming this hardcore romantic comment, incredibly used to her father’s verbosity: yes that sounds about right.

and she finds a (significantly smaller but still lengthy and painfully heartfelt) signature from bertrand nearby, that definitely reads as a guy in love

but she’s still not sure how they feel about each other now, like a few yearbook signatures are no indication of how a person feels over eleven years later, so she’s still nervous about this and decides to sleep on it

this takes the whole night, violet is exhausted in the morning

now re: chessy unpacking hallie’s (annie’s) suitcase in the movie, it’s not that ramona did the same, but when doing the laundry earlier she did notice this weird amount of ribbons stuck in the lint filter/in pockets/pant legs/sleeves

and she barely even thinks anything of it at first and asks olivia and olivia has no clue and she’s not asking beatrice because beatrice has so much on her mind and ramona’s like ‘….hmmm,’ and goes to talk to klaus (violet)

ramona: hey klaus, I keep finding ribbons everywhere and I just wondered –

violet, in the process of running her hand through her hair cause she’s tired and processing a lot and misses being able to tie it: /JUMPS

violet: oh

violet: bookmarks, i’ve been using them as bookmarks

[actually violet has a million ribbons because lemony never wanted her to be without one, and it was so natural for violet to bring them with her she just legit forgot she wasn’t supposed to have them, like hallie with cuppy]

ramona, vaguely concerned: ….yeah, your mother used to do that

ramona: anything wrong with your hair?

violet: oh, no, not at all!

ramona: everything….going okay?

violet: yes, absolutely!

[the thing about violet acting as klaus though is that she can get like his speech patterns down but her own natural cheeriness still shows through in the places where klaus is in general quieter]

this is gonna get discussed right after this but ramona knows violet ties her hair up to focus because lemony told her in a letter, years ago

so ramona frowns and walks over to her and ties her bangs back with one of the ribbons, and violet just so visibly relaxes

ramona, incredibly emotional: oh

ramona: violet?

violet: ….yes.

ramona: so I can’t necessarily abide by breaking up a marriage but HECK YEAH i’m down for helping you reunite them. beatrice got me in the divorce and it’s very irritating just writing to lemony, which he actually hasn’t done for a while, now that I think about it.

violet: why don’t you just visit him? i’m sure he’d love to see you.

ramona: he makes me send the letters to a post office box. I do not know that man’s address.

violet: ……...that sounds about right.

(bea still does not find out until the hotel shenanigans, though.)

(I love ‘beatrice got me in the divorce’ like that’s fucking hilarious, cause I picture ramona as lemony and bea’s best friend so when they aren’t together it’s like…...well, what happens to ramona???? WHO DOES RAMONA HANG OUT WITH?? WHO GETS CUSTODY OF RAMONA)

(but also like, wtf lemony and ramona write to each other and bea never finds out???? I mean ramona was their best friend so like yes I think they do keep in contact but then does ramona never tell lemony about klaus????? and for them to write to each other and ramona to get these letters and BEA IS IN THE SAME HOUSE??????? I can’t tell if this is just angsty or poor thinking through on my part

but like ramona has to know for the reveal scene here to work out right, otherwise she’d never guess specifically violet

unless I rewrite the scene, but? nope. i’m committed to this ribbon reveal. I like it a lot. fuck it.

THIS WAS WHY I TOOK OUT BERTRAND AND OLIVIA AS CUTE PEN PALS auuuuuggggggg

I don’t know I mean. it is weird and stretching this (already shenanigans-filled) fic a little but. I don’t think it’s the WORST illogical thing I can stick in here. and they are friends, they can write to each other, just, yeah, probably not a lot and they actually probably don’t talk about the kids a lot, cause then lemony would know about both kids and since r wouldn’t tell bea she was writing to lemony bea wouldn’t know anything at all about violet and THAT’S what’s not good (although r telling lemony about klaus is cute i’m gonna have to nix it here. no can do.), so yeah r probs never brings up klaus and lemony rarely brings up violet, he probably only mentions the ribbon thing back when she was really really young because of how much it reminded him of bea and lemony was One Sad Man in his twenties trying to cope with the emotional reality of raising a child that reminded him of his wife and needed to tell someone

that is a lot of weight on ramona though and she doesn’t say anything but lemony apologizes for bringing it up in the next letter anyway and actually after that they probably talk a lot less cause it’s hard on both of them)

(writing is hard! writing is hard.)

ramona: so what’s your plan now?

violet: first, I have to make a phone call.

VIOLET CALLS KLAUS, keeping in mind the concept of time zones a little bit better than hallie and annie

violet: so, it turns out that mother is engaged????

klaus: engaged????? to who?????

violet: this man named bertrand, and, honestly, klaus, he’s such a nice person, he brought me, well he brought you, an atlas –

klaus: oh. that is very nice.

violet: it’s the sort of atlas you could probably use to incapacitate a reasonably-sized adult.

klaus: wow.

violet: and mother said that apparently she knew him when she was younger, and they get along so well, but –

klaus, remembering the picture he found with the extra candygrams: wait

klaus: is he sort of tall, and thin, and blonde

klaus: and sort of, idly optimistic

violet: yes! although I would say more….calmly steadfast

klaus: hmmm

klaus, trying to describe bertrand’s facial expression in this picture: disarmingly kind?

violet: humorously honest?

klaus: I think father has a picture of him in his desk!

violet: !!!!

[myth: confirmed!]

klaus: and some notes from high school from mother and him!

violet: !!! klaus, based on some other things i’ve found, I think all of them might have had feelings for each other.

klaus: !! that makes a considerable amount of sense here. if they all still do, that could make this much easier.

violet: but we won’t know for sure unless –

bernadette: who are you two talking about???

klaus: BERNADETTE

violet: bernadette, are you on the extension again

bernadette: well why wouldn’t I be?

bernadette: it sounds like you guys are talking about bertrand.

violet: how do you know who bertrand is?

bernadette: dad talks about him all the time???

bernadette: well, not when uncle lemony’s around

bernadette: he sent dad that book of poetry that mom immediately burned

bernadette: the elephant guy?

violet: …….oh, now that you mention it! that’s right!

klaus: wait why did your mother burn the book

violet: aunt kit has very little patience for certain poetry.

klaus: she doesn’t like john godfrey saxe??

violet: it’s a big deal, it’s best not to get into it.

violet: look, I think what we need to do is get everyone together and sort this all out.

violet: we’re scouting hotels this week for the reception, you can come here and meet up with us at one of them!

MEANWHILE, kit finds bernadette on the extension, for an honestly longer than usual length of time (bernadette does eavesdrop regularly), and also klaus on the phone in general (and violet rarely uses the phone, like, as a phone. usually she’s taking the phone apart), and really, nothing gets past kit fucking snicket. (you know kit denouement does have a great fucking ring to it, but as I said before, just try and tell me she didn’t insist on keeping her maiden name when she got married.)

so she goes and finds klaus and hears the end of the above conversation and is like ‘oh shit, they totally switched on lemony and bea, what badass kids’

[what if she tries to corner bernadette first

kit: bernadette, I didn’t know you knew anyone to call on the phone.

bernadette, without missing a fucking beat: I called the international operator to ask about time zones, but she caught me up in a conversation about soap operas and whether or not their use of sudden death is considered theatrically cathartic or not.

bernadette: I told her it happens way too often for it to be cathartic.

kit is too impressed to counter her. kit loves her daughter so fucking much.]

so then she sort of shows up in klaus’s doorway when he goes to leave the room after the phone call, arms crossed over her chest

kit: is there something you’d like to talk about?

kit can be outrageously intimidating but kit is also, actually, a pretty good parent

kit, significantly more gently: just between you and me, klaus.

klaus: …..maybe.

kit: come on, let’s go for a walk. you can tell me all about it.

klaus: it’s a long story.

kit: well, good, I like long stories.

klaus: are you going to tell father?

kit: don’t you think you should tell him?

klaus: do you think he’ll be upset?

kit: oh, not at all. more with himself than you, anyway. once, violet was responsible for wiping out the electricity of the whole city, and he gave her two slices of cake for dessert and said he should’ve bought more books on electrical wiring.

lemony is appropriately concerned and horrified and thrilled to see his son, like, oh my god, but the moment is taken over by the urgency of the situation because klaus says he has something to tell all of them that cannot wait

[forgive me for not writing that one out.]

klaus: so it seems like mother is getting married

lemony: oh

lemony: well

lemony: like haircuts, marriage – marriage comes to all of us, at some point –

klaus: to bertrand?

kit, lemony, and dewey: /STUNNED, DEAD SILENCE

kit: oh my.

dewey: what are the odds?

lemony: I think I can die now. I believe i’m ready.

bernadette: why don’t you just go see them and work this all out???

lemony: bernadette, I don’t know if life works like that.

bernadette: uncle lemony, you’re going to ruin all my bright-eyed optimism.

dewey: sometimes I think I didn’t have anything to do with you at all, bernadette. I think you just sprang, fully-formed, from your mother’s head.

kit: don’t be vulgar, dewey. ….thank you, though.

kit: but really I don’t see any other way to sort this out than by going to see beatrice and bertrand.

[this was one of the very first conversations I wrote for this and I am still very attached to it, even though I find dewey so hard to write, I haven’t yet figured out how I think he functions with these guys, especially kit, which I should maybe have done sooner but, what can you do.]

[also I feel like it just makes more sense in this for them to KNOW bea is engaged]

[I’m putting this in here because honestly……….in the movie once elizabeth realizes the switch she does not spend nearly enough time hugging hallie constantly or getting to know her, I get that seeing your ex-husband for the first time in eleven years is A Lot but YOUR DAUGHTER WHO YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN ELEVEN YEARS AS WELL IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE] [also makes up for not writing klaus revealing himself as klaus, i’m so sorry.]

lemony: klaus?

klaus: ?

lemony: I – please don’t think that I didn’t love you. because I do, and I have thought about you every second of every day, I promise you. and there are many things that I should have done as your father, and many things that I cannot make up to you, but I want you to know that whatever happens with this, I have always loved you. and I am sorry.

so i’ve always pictured that klaus (besides looking reasonably like bea anyway, in any universe) gets angry like she does, and bea gets that sort of like, quiet cool hatred that turns into full-blown shouting really quickly and she will pull no punches and just fucking give it to you!!!!! and klaus has some sort of version of that and like look I put a lot of thought into ‘adult problems fucking over small children as those adults fervently avoid those problems’ when I wrote babybea so like

man, of course klaus can be angry at his parents for like???? never trying to work things out???? this is the first time in almost ten years he’s seen his father and his sister and he has an aunt and an uncle (and another uncle he hasn’t even seen!) and a cousin he never knew about because of lemony and bea being stubborn and stupid and recklessly young!!!!! I think violet is honestly less mad about it (well, she gets a little mad about it later on, but like, being raised by lemony, she has this weird way of trying to rationalize things while feeling really guilty about it, but that’s scenes away from right here – or she just? maybe internalizes it more.) but klaus is like, he’s not totally angry but like, as himself, face to face with lemony, lemony talking to him like a parent and about klaus and not about bea or violet or shenanigans or anything, like, yeah, he’s a little angry that it’s just….taken this long and that lemony and bea are so stupid

klaus is an angry crier. and an angry hugger. so that’s what he does.

like it’s hard to suddenly have a relationship with a family member whose never….been that to you before or made themselves available like that or just generally been there at all, and as much as I want them all having a good time, bea and lemony have some shit to work out with their kids

THEY HAVE A GOOD HUG, IS THE POINT

and I want to say that like they spend some time together after this and…….yeah they probs do it’s just gonna be weird re: the previous paragraph so…….maybe they just sit around and read and occasionally point things out to each other, that sounds chill and legit, doesn’t ask a lot of either of them

SO, that brings us to, later that night, when lemony can Officially Panic

kit: so

kit: you seem a little tense, brother mine.

lemony: I am NOT going to break up a marriage between two loving people who care about each other and happen to have incredibly pleasant facial features and are two people I myself still care about a great deal despite not having seen either of them for a lengthy amount of time

lemony: we’re only going to switch the children back, and I will talk to beatrice, about something, and I don’t have to say anything at all to bertrand, and that’s going to be it. that’s all. nothing beyond that.

kit: that would be a more powerful statement if you weren’t packing every single fancy tie you own.

lemony: really.

lemony: we’re not going to think any more into this.

lemony: that’s all we’re going to do.

lemony: which tie should I wear?

kit: well, definitely don’t pick one of the ones you’re strangling in a death grip.

(hey, where is jacques in this??????????? wish I knew)

(he’s probably regularly out of town, maybe he happens to call home and bernadette is the one to pick up the phone and she’s like “we’re going to see aunt beatrice, I think we’ll be back in a week or something?” and then immediately hangs up because dewey calls her for something, and jacques is left, miles and miles away, standing in a phone booth and wondering if, perhaps, he should maybe visit his siblings more often so they don’t go tearing off to california

jacques: kit what the hell is going on

kit: what, didn’t bernadette tell you?

lemony: ask him what tie I should wear

kit: we’re embarking on the adventure of a lifetime, jacques, it’s your own fault that you decided to go out of town this weekend, I really don’t know what to tell you

lemony: ask him what tie I should wear

kit: /sighs

kit: what tie should your brother wear

jacques: the one with the single blue stripe, it brings out his eyes, what are you two doing

kit: really, jacques, you need to pay more attention

kit: lemony, he says the one with the blue stripe

lemony: oh, good. tell him he’s a lifesaver.

kit: lemony says you’re a lifesaver, although I have yet to see real proof of this, however I will consider changing my mind if you happen to bring me a souvenir. please remember that I could use a new set of nice, engraved fountain pens. also our plane is leaving soon and we need to pack, so bye, loser

jacques: ………………….

jacques: what did I do to deserve this)

(jacques, in any universe, is eternally pained by his siblings)

this being a rehearsal dinner brings it very close to, you know, an actual wedding date, and the thing is, I have planned a completely different wedding-related fic, weddings are EXPENSIVE AND, YOU KNOW, TIME-CONSUMING, PLANNED IN ADVANCE, ALL THAT SHIT

but the whole reason there’s a wedding in the parent trap in general is because, if meredith and nick are just dating, there’s no commitment, marriage means COMMITMENT and A TIME CONSTRAINT and meredith wants his fucking money

so yeah bea and bertrand ARE engaged and planning to get married and plans have happened but the idea of this being so close to the rehearsal dinner makes me sad about all those ‘yeah i’m gonna have to cancel’ phone calls someone is gonna have to make, which is, well, pretty silly, but still, I Hate feeling uncomfortable esp when reading things like that (or even just, thinking of them in advance)

and that is why they are scouting hotels for the reception. (don’t ask me where the denouement is. I do not know.)

so bea + co get to the hotel first, and the only people who know lemony + co will be there are violet and ramona

ramona, hanging back to talk to violet while bea and bertrand and olivia (she has a good eye for decorating.) go ahead: do you know what you’re going to do?

violet: well, I thought maybe we would just

violet: all bump into each other?

violet: and go from there??

ramona thinks that’s an exceptionally courageous take on this and that, yep that girl sure is bea’s daughter

[yeah bea still has NO IDEA ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING ramona is A+ at keeping secrets

meanwhile, sometime later-

olivia: you didn’t tell me?????

ramona: olivia, I love you dearly but you can’t keep a secret to save your life

[oh, yikes, re: legit asoue canon]

olivia: ……..okay, you have a point.]

it is at this moment that lemony + co arrive, and bertrand, who had backtracked for a moment because he realized he dropped a pen, immediately runs into dewey, who had stopped near the door to examine the hotel brochures and ambiance in more detail (you can take the boy out of the hotel but you can’t take the hotel out of the boy)

[based on penultimate peril, I always thought bertrand and dewey were very good friends and had bonded over absurd poetry, and, of course, based on kit burning the poetry book, are still in contact – there’s much less of a sense of forced distance between bertrand and dewey, because dewey’s just lemony’s brother-in-law and bertrand was friends with dewey first so they’re still good friends but like most adults they have a hard time committing to keeping in contact regularly especially with the distance and haven’t physically seen each other for some time]

so they bump into each other –

bertrand: dewey!!

bertrand: it’s been ages, what are you doing here, how are you!!!

[dewey denouement, much in the way that olivia caliban can’t keep a fucking secret, cannot fucking lie.]

dewey: oh, um

dewey: you know

dewey: hotel conference!!

dewey: kit wanted to travel!!!!

dewey: we’re traveling FOR a hotel conference!!!

dewey: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE CURTAINS, BERTRAND

bertrand: ……..dewey, you’ve never been very good at lying.

dewey: no, no I really haven’t.

dewey: forgive me for everything, bertrand.

bertrand: you might have to be a little more specific.

beatrice: bertrand, have you – dewey??

dewey: oh no

beatrice, remembering dewey and kit are married, suddenly battling sheer terror the likes of which she has never experienced: how….how are you

dewey: I could be better. I could definitely be better.

beatrice: is kit here?

bertrand: I believe they’re here to look at the curtains.

dewey: we’re definitely here to look at curtains.

beatrice: ….they don’t have curtains in england

dewey, grasping at straws: not….like these….?

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, lemony backtracks outside because he dropped a pen, narrowly missing three adults awkwardly talking about curtains

olivia: beatrice, we’ll be late for the wine tasting if we don’t go soon.

beatrice: oh – well, dewey, it was….nice to see you

dewey: please, go enjoy your wine.

bertrand: /waves good-bye!!!!

klaus and bernadette, hiding behind a nearby ficus, because bernadette thinks fast and has her own specific idea about how this should go and it doesn’t involve her relatives meeting again because of her father talking about curtains: wow.

violet: /narrowly avoids getting swept up into the wine tasting, darts for the elevator to try and locate klaus + co

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, upstairs, in their hotel room

lemony: why did I think I could do this

lemony: how do I approach a couple here to scout locations for a wedding reception?

kit: ….you approach them

dewey: don’t talk about curtains, maybe.

lemony: i’m not – dewey, what do curtains have to do with this?

dewey: trust me, just don’t talk about them.

there is a knock at the door. lemony has seen death. this is it, for him.

anyway, it’s violet.

klaus: violet!

violet: klaus!

awkward sibling hug sincere sibling hug!!

violet: klaus, please take your glasses back.

klaus: oh, thank you. my spare pair just doesn’t feel the same as these.

lemony: violet!

now, seeing the two of them together, he can absolutely tell the difference between them. ain’t that just the way.

lemony hugs his daughter like she’s going to disappear right out of his arms and then hugs klaus for good measure and he has to try and ignore the true roller coaster of emotions that puts him through and then tries to look very stern.

lemony: i’m not disappointed in the two of you but I cannot believe you switched on your mother and me. that was very….

lemony is not good at being angry at his children, he has no real concept of it.

lemony: ….clever. it was very clever.

violet and klaus are very proud but find it in themselves to try and look a little chagrined. they don’t do it very well.

violet: father, you really need to talk to mother.

klaus: and bertrand.

lemony: both of you know about bertrand??

klaus: you and mother are very transparent about him.

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, at the wine tasting

ramona: what do you think?

beatrice and bertrand, equally lost in thought about the presence of dewey, the implied presence of kit, and the possibility of the presence of lemony: hm??

bertrand: oh, yes

beatrice: wine

beatrice: /downs entire glass

beatrice: /sets down glass

beatrice: not that one.

bertrand, who has been holding the same glass for the past twenty minutes and has no idea which wine that even was: definitely not.

MEANWHILE back. at. the. ranch.

lemony’s children have such boundless courage (I have hurt myself so many times while writing this fanfic with the occasional too-on-point line and this in particular wounds me these kids are so strong and so important and won’t take no for an answer compared to their parents and get the chance to get their parents to FIX THINGS and oh no i’m gonna cry) and have dragged him downstairs to the lobby, with the INTENTION of having him run into bea and bertrand

lemony: this is not going to work out –

violet: nonsense!

klaus: it’s going to work perfectly.

meanwhile, bea and bertrand leave the wine tasting

bertrand: ….did we come to a conclusion, about the wine?

beatrice: no, I don’t think so.

bertrand stops by the bathroom to wash his hands for something to do as he’s consumed with thoughts (not about wine), beatrice is in a daze as she goes through the lobby, violet notices her but sees she’s not with bertrand and decides she has to stall

violet, rushing over, purposely trying to block beatrice’s view with varying success: mother, how was the wine tasting?

beatrice: oh, it was –

did you remember violet gave klaus his glasses back?

beatrice: klaus, what happened to your –

and, well.

beatrice looks at her so hard and processes kit and dewey being here and then it fucking hits her like (forgive me. forgive me so hard.) a harpoon to the chest

beatrice: ….violet?

violet: yes.

beatrice: but – how –

klaus, appearing next to her: it’s a truly fascinating chain of events we’d like to tell you, but –

hey! beatrice is stunned and horrified! and grabs her daughter into a hug, knowing now that it’s her daughter and has been this whole time and!!!! she feels so awful with herself for not noticing but is also trying to not make a big deal out of it and startle violet by sobbing uncontrollably on her shoulder but beatrice is simultaneously devastated and filled with so much love and she’s for sure going to break apart now

beatrice: and klaus –

she’s hugging them both now, it’s very good.

beatrice, in tears: you two are lucky you’re so cute

violet: mother, there’s someone we’d very much like you to talk to.

beatrice knows somewhere in the back of her mind that it’s lemony but is also not even thinking of lemony because, her children

klaus: /tries to wave lemony over

lemony: /trying and failing to hide behind a ficus, have you seen a ficus, have you seen lemony

violet: /ALSO WAVING

beatrice can’t miss that for the world.

beatrice, while turning around: what are you two –

imagine, if you will, lemony snicket trying to hide behind a potted ficus that hits about mid-chest.

also imagine, if you will, two people who divorced over eleven years ago, still have too many feelings about each other, split up their children for their stupidity, have been trying to avoid the knowledge that both of them are there for the past hour, and are now confronted with the reality of their lives right in front of them

…….besides the ficus.

lemony, stepping out from behind the ficus: hello, bea.

this is a headcanon i’ve long held, since I first started writing asoue fanfic, but, bertrand and lemony say ‘bea’ differently, especially in canon, like particularly in canon, so it’s like less so here but lemony still says her name with so much love, and bertrand says it with love too but lemony has known beatrice for so so long and here they are after years apart and here he is saying her name again, and he never ever ever expected to say it like that again, he never even DREAMED of saying it to her again, but it’s real

beatrice: lemony snicket.

violet: as nice as this is for us –

klaus: – we’re going to allow you three the time you need to discuss assorted events.

at this moment (of course), bertrand reemerges.

bertrand: bea, I –

he sees violet and klaus rushing off, looking delighted, and bea and lemony standing there still trying to process words, and then there’s bertrand, frantically thinking ‘abort mission, ABORT MISSION’

because. the way they turn and look at him, in tandem, like they did all the time in high school, immediately makes bertrand feel like they’re there, back in high school, back at prom, here’s the two absolute loves of his life standing in front of him and bertrand is filled with delight but also fear because, here it is, they all have to deal with it now

(all of them are thinking that, the three of them, standing there, there is not a single trace of jealously but instead there is so much love and regret and it’s, heart-wrenching)

and here is where he loses all his Chill™.

bertrand: you know what, i’m gonna – go –

bertrand: /trips over a chair

lemony: oh –

beatrice: bertrand!

bertrand: totally fine, still alive, i’m – they have such a nice gift shop, you know, i’m – i’ll be there

bertrand: /high-tails it practically out of existence

beatrice and lemony: ….

lemony: he – he still has a very nice running form.

beatrice: yeah, I think so.

lemony: well, bea

lemony: or does everyone call you beatrice now?

beatrice: no, no, bea – bea is fine. bertrand still calls me bea.

[beatrice starts to laugh. “it’s – man, it’s funny, isn’t it?”

lemony smiles at her. “what is?”

“i’m going to marry your high school crush,” beatrice giggles, “who’s still – still in love with you.” she stops. “you know, that’s actually really not as funny as it sounded in my head,” she says, frowning.]

they have dinner!!! and talk. about. stuff. do violet and klaus recreate the night lemony and bea met or the wedding or something????? idk honestly. like at least they didn’t get married UPON MEETING I MEAN LIKE COME ON (although somehow that is very them, but, come on, this backstory is good and solid and I love characters that grow)

maybe they just pool their allowances and give their parents a banging night out (which is pretty much just. dinner.)

beatrice: I see that cut on your forehead healed up nice

lemony: yes, anna karenina left very little lasting damage –

both: – except to anna karenina.

they pause, and then just, fucking burst out laughing, this is a horrible old joke for them that they made up when they were in school because anna karenina was the biggest book either of them owned (neither of them were particularly interested in war and peace) but was somehow sort of light and if you dropped it it really didn’t do much damage, which they thought was funny re: the size of the book and the subject matter

beatrice throws it at lemony during the fight that ends with their divorce and it’s the first time it actually hurts something

lemony: so, how is bertrand

lemony: I don’t think i’ve seen him since – well, since before the twins were born.

beatrice: oh, he’s – he’s doing really, really well. he’s a librarian, and – we keep joking about how many more books klaus and I will be able to read. lemony, he’s got the magazine editions of hammett –

lemony: w h a t

lemony: does he even have the –

beatrice: yep. he has the unfinished story. i’ve seen it.

lemony: I knew I liked that man for a reason

THERE IS SUCH A WEIGHTY PAUSE.

lemony: that is, hammett, obviously. I mean, the continental op is one of the quintessential fictional detectives, and hammett’s novels –

beatrice: you did like him, didn’t you

beatrice: when we were in school, you looked at him the same way you looked at me.

lemony: oh, no

lemony: I looked at you with a rapt adoration and I looked at bertrand like he was a puzzle I couldn’t solve. I have that on good authority from my sister.

beatrice: oh, right, right.

lemony: ….but I did, didn’t I. I did like him very much.

lemony: I don’t think anyone disliked him.

beatrice: that wasn’t quite what I asked, lemony.

lemony: ….what do you want me to say, bea? that I saw him there, with you, and couldn’t even find it in me to be jealous because the sight of you two together made me so unbelievably happy that I forgot how to breathe? that I – that I wondered, for a moment, if, twelve years later, we could – if I –

lemony: ….i don’t believe this conversation is supposed to be about bertrand.

beatrice: …….no, I – I suppose not.

lemony: that day, when you asked me to leave –

beatrice: you mean when I shouted at you to leave.

lemony: I was trying to be kind.

beatrice: lemony, I for sure shouted at you.

lemony: no, bea, I – I thought things would be better if I left. if you didn’t have to put up with me, because you clearly didn’t want to. and I didn’t make it easy for you, back then. there were many things I overlooked about both of us, things I hid from both of us, things I should have talked about with you. and I didn’t.

beatrice: ….oh.

lemony: I thought that loving the person that I wanted you to be was enough for the person that I wanted to be. obviously, it wasn’t, because you asked me to leave and I left. I never even looked back.

beatrice: ….lemony, I don’t think anything would’ve been enough for either of us. I asked a lot of you, too. I didn’t want you to see anything bad about me, and you didn’t, but the longer we were like that, the more I just – the more I really hated you for it. you just saw what you wanted to. and, well, what I wanted you to. I think I kind of hated me, too.

beatrice: sometimes, I think, what would’ve happened if we’d stayed together and I don’t know if I like that either. not that it was – okay, what we did. because it wasn’t. and we might’ve changed or we might’ve fucked up even worse, I don’t know, and i’ll never know.

beatrice: but lemony, seeing her now, I regret every single second I haven’t spent with her because of it.

lemony: I know.

beatrice, who’s a little angry cause she hates when lemony says that to her and her temper gets away from her: do you?

lemony, who’s just regretting all his life choices and knows he fully deserves beatrice’s ire: ….i’ve missed so much of his life.

beatrice, voice breaking: ….yeah.

man, these are some really miserable parents.

beatrice: we should – I don’t know, you know, what we’re gonna do, with – us – but we should – they, they should see each other. we can’t do that to them again.

lemony: I agree.

beatrice: you know, we have some pretty clever kids. I would never – okay, maybe, but I don’t know – have had the balls to switch places with someone on the other side of the world.

lemony: we do, don’t we?

lemony: I know we didn’t do a great deal right, but, maybe we did, with them.

beatrice: ….yeah, maybe we did.

beatrice: not every day two people have kids like ours.

lemony: …….can I be honest with you, bea?

beatrice: …okay.

lemony: i’m glad they switched places. i’m – i’m glad I got to see you. and bertrand. and you.

beatrice: i’m glad you came, lemony.

[all these conversations starring two people steadfastly trying to avoid that they are still in love with each other but also trying to really acknowledging they have Real Problems, brought to you by one (1) woman struggling to get two characters to talk about their problems but also the idea of introducing a third person into their already rocky relationship, don’t mind me just casually dying over here, this was harder than I thought]

beatrice, feeling the weight of this conversation and knowing they done fucked up in the past but also desperately wishing she and lemony could go back to where they were before only better and just trying to figure out where they’re gonna go from here, girl’s doing her best here, and you know what, so am i: so, um

beatrice: fuck, marry, kill

beatrice: continental op, nick charles, sam spade.

lemony, going through incredibly similar emotions: ….

lemony: do you want me to give my virtue to one man and then marry another

beatrice: why do you always take this game so literally

beatrie: I am banging nick charles, but I am marrying the continental op for job stability, and I am killing sam spade where he stands

lemony: bea, no, you can’t just kill sam spade like that

lemony: how about, I take the continental op to dinner, I have a pleasant night with nick charles –

beatrice: I like that we’d both fuck william powell.

lemony: we’ve both seen william powell. no one wouldn’t.

lemony: but sam spade, though, I don’t think it’s so clear cut as all that –

they’ve really!! grown a lot!! they’re really trying to talk this out!!! a little, at least!!! be adults!!!! talk like they didn’t eleven years ago!!!!!! they’re so stupid and they’re trying so hard!!!! my kids………….

this is definitely not the only conversation they’re gonna have about this, like it’s Good that they’ve said this but there’s. a lot more they need to talk about and will probably talk about, just not right now

anyway, LATER –

the continuing saga of two people Not Talking and then Talking About Certain Things and then Inadvertently Talking About The Things They Didn’t Want To And Not Quite Realizing It

lemony: at the hotel

lemony: you, ah, said something about bertrand

beatrice: !!!!

beatrice: ooo, we are talking about him, hmm?

lemony: bea.

beatrice: fine, fine. yes, that he’s still in love with you.

lemony: is he really?

beatrice: I think he is.

beatrice: you still didn’t really answer me before, when I asked if you still felt the same about him.

lemony: ….does it matter, if you’re going to marry him?

beatrice: of course it matters! i’m not – i’m not marrying bertrand to, prove a point or anything, or – say I like him better than you, I – i’m marrying him because I, I love him, but I don’t – that’s not all there is to this.

beatrice: I mean, we didn’t get divorced because of bertrand, that was all on us, but – seeing both of you, sometimes I feel like – maybe – we – maybe we could’ve made it work. not if we had bertrand, but with him. now.

beatrice: and, and that’s a lot, to ask you – I know – it’s a lot to ask both of us, especially after everything, but – do you?

lemony: ….bea.

beatrice: lemony.

lemony: ….i feel that, in the interest of the past eleven years, we should perhaps talk to him before I make a concrete decision about that personal feeling.

beatrice: well, that’s – that’s a wise choice.

they are, quiet, for a while

it’s a lot to think about, you know?? there’s a lot to this

lemony: …….but I think I do.

beatrice: you think you do?

lemony: I think I do.

beatrice: I think I do, too.

there is a little more silence because they’re like ‘!!!!! well that’s SOMETHING REALLY BIG TO THINK ABOUT’ especially because they haven’t like totally committed back to a relationship with each other and there is!! still!!! so!! much!!!! but, they’re thinking about it now, and they’re, sort of floaty-happy because it’s like, wow, wow, this is a possibility, they can

maybe

push it, a little, and see what happens, maybe maybe

lemony: well, you should, you are marrying him.

beatrice: shhh, you are ruining the rhythm.

lemony: I think –

beatrice: you think?

lemony: it’s been known to happen.

beatrice: mmm, I don’t think so

[it’s hard to tell because there’s generally very little concept of outside action/feelings when getting down scenes this way but these few lines are supposed to be v cute and soft and just the tiniest bit flirty]

lemony: trust me, I have had many a thought.

beatrice: well, I think –

lemony: you think, now, do you

beatrice: I do indeed, lemony snicket.

[god. lemony wants to kiss her so fucking bad. beatrice wants to keep teasing him until he does kiss her. they’re very close. he just. smooths her hair behind her ear and takes a step back.]

lemony: I think we should talk to bertrand.

beatrice: yeah. we should. we should probably do that.

MEANWHILE.

I want bertrand to bond with these kids with all my heart so that’s what fucking happens while bea and lemony are dealing with their problems

they play a rousing game of scrabble. it’s usually a game I give the snicket siblings because of their vicious playing styles (which is just based on me and my brother playing scrabble) BUT I love scrabble a lot and I think it’s super cute if bertrand hangs out with violet and klaus and they play board games, it’s distressingly endearing to me, violet trying to sneak in names of inventors on the board and klaus being insistent on following the rules of the game and bertrand trying to come up with a sufficient compromise

bertrand: okay, so, last names are allowed, but only if you can also include the first initial, initialisms by themselves are not allowed, and foreign words and phrases are on a case-by-case basis, providing I can translate it and you’re not trying to put down something inappropriate.

klaus: what about scientific names?? can I put down binomial nomenclature

violet: hey how do you spell binomial

klaus: b-i-n-o-m-i-a-l

violet: oh, how neat.

violet: /puts it down on the scrabble board

klaus: ….

violet: :)

bertrand: it looks like you can put down binomial nomenclature.

bertrand: but yes, I will allow actual nomenclature, klaus.

klaus is deathly quiet for the next few turns until he manages to put down nomenclature. (which I think is achievable, with enough luck.)

klaus: actual. nomenclature.

violet: so that’s how it’s gonna be, huh

bertrand: okay, references to previous conversations are no longer allowed, let’s try this again

eventually they stop playing the damn game and come up with their own wildly specific set of rules for playing scrabble, and bea and lemony come back to a lot of paper and a lot of scrabble tiles and violet and klaus sitting on either side of bertrand on the couch, helping him write this rule list

and bea and lemony want to comment about how they’re not even playing scrabble, but watching bertrand interact with their kids and be so soft and patient with them is the most distressingly heartwarming thing they’ve seen in a long time

they both have the immediate thought of ‘holy fuck I wanna kiss that man,’ which is followed by ‘holy f u c k maybe a relationship between all of us could work’

lemony: bertrand.

bertrand: ?

lemony: could we talk?

there is no camping trip! instead we got NEARBY HOTEL SHENANIGANS and THREE PEOPLE ON A DATE AT A LOCAL FAIR, TRYING TO FEEL THINGS OUT

imagine your average carnival-fair sort of thing with Rides and Games and Absurd Amounts of Cotton Candy and That Super Salty But Still Real Good Popcorn

bertrand and lemony arrive first and bea specifically gets there late so bertrand and lemony can actually talk, because honestly this is the only time I can see in all this that these two would be able to talk to each other uninterrupted

and they all know they’re there for the weirdest date ever but bertrand still feels the need to clear the air

bertrand: lemony, I don’t want you to think that I was waiting your marriage out or anything, I didn’t even know you two weren’t together until last year, and I didn’t even intend to see bea, it just happened on accident –

lemony: bertrand, it’s fine.

lemony: beatrice and I aren’t married anymore, you don’t have to explain anything.

bertrand: ….sometimes I feel like i’ve wanted to explain everything to you, for the past fifteen years.

[bertrand ‘breaking my fucking heart again’ baudelaire…….]

bertrand: that’s – silly, isn’t it.

lemony: no. I don’t think so.

bertrand: I never got the chance to say it. well, actually I don’t think I ever let myself say it, because I had plenty of chances! especially at prom, I could’ve changed everything! but you and bea were so – I wanted you two more than anything else in the whole entire world, but I didn’t want to hurt you two or what we had. I think I did, though.

bertrand: and, and I really shouldn’t blame myself or anyone for these stupid mistakes that happened when we were just kids, because we were just kids!

bertrand: I mean, we’re right here, right now, and i’m – i’m really looking forward to this, lemony.

[lemony, much like me, is momentarily dazzled by how fucking genuine bertrand is]

lemony: so am I.

lemony: ….i kept those candygrams you sent me when we were all in high school because they were remarkably sweet and I treasure them dearly

bertrand: !!

lemony is so nervous and I love him and you know when you get nervous and you just sort of spill weird secrets to people, especially when it’s the person you like???? that’s that

they look at each other for a moment and then start laughing and it’s the kind that starts kind of soft and then they’re just rampantly giggling and being dorks and I love them both so damn much okay

and because they haven’t regularly seen each other in you know fifteen years they spend some time. talking about their lives. there’s a lot of things they don’t know about each other!

lemony and bertrand like make a vague show of trying to win bea some prize and they suck and they stand to the side and talk while bea wins herself a prize and she runs back over to them and just looks so proud of herself, winning this…….thing (it’s very much “i don’t know if it’s a duck or a panda, but I want one.”)

lemony: is it a…….hmmm

bertrand: ….those are cat ears, right

beatrice: what, no, they’re wolf ears

lemony: it has webbed feet, though

bertrand: it’s a platypus! oh, no, not with all those feathers.

lemony: it could easily be a duck, I suppose

beatrice: BUT THE EARS

bertrand: a penguin!

lemony: a grackle

bertrand: a goose!

beatrice: THE E A R S

lemony and bertrand share an obnoxious amount of cotton candy, and honestly it’s the date they all should’ve had in high school, a date that would’ve changed everything, and man, they’re having so much fun and maybe they could do this, lemony has never been so happy and bertrand is just this ball of delight and, it’s really beautiful, and beatrice is for sure thinking that and she’s having such a good time and she’s so happy

but then

she thinks, what if it DIDN’T change everything, what if they all got together in high school and tried to make it work and really fucked each other over, would they have been able to do it?? what really would’ve happened??? and they’re adults now, they’re better people but they have so much more to think about, there is so much more at stake now and beatrice is fucking terrified about what could happen, all of a sudden

and she’s been terrified for years about all the terrible things that could happen to klaus or her or ramona and olivia and even their stupid cat and she’s still trying to hide it so well and she does, she’s happy and creates such a good life for her son but she is so scared and she can’t keep running from it anymore by being impulsive or silly or shouting all the time, she has to face the reality of the situation that she really has to think this one through, what all three of them are going to do about this

she and lemony still have so many problems, and they both know that, they all know that!!! they aren’t going to solve them right away!!! and with bertrand there, maybe it’ll be harder!! maybe it won’t be easier!!! not that bertrand immediately makes things easier, in any universe!!! but especially here!!! you know!!! what if they don’t talk about anything because he’s there??? what if they avoid talking about everything so much in trying to be happy that they irreparably fuck them all over??? it’s been so long since all three of them were together, what if they can’t do this!! what if their kids don’t like them together, what if none of them can get along??? suddenly there are a lot more variables to this, and seeing it happen, bea is struck by everything they’re going to have to fix and all the ways it could go wrong and it’s not good

beatrice: …..what are we doing?

beatrice: and – and what if it doesn’t work out, this time?? what if we all try this and we can’t do it??

bertrand: do you think that little of yourself?

beatrice: no.

beatrice: i’m thinking about, what if I break my kid’s hearts, even worse than I already have? I can’t do that, not to them.

and, they get it. they love each other so much but this story isn’t about just the three of them anymore.

bertrand and bea decide not to get married. and even though they all know they still love each other, lemony and bea have violet and klaus to think of, so they all decide it would be for the best to go their separate ways.

violet and klaus are not happy, by any means. they are not happy to pack up all their stuff and know that nothing is going to work out, and it hurts, a lot, man

klaus, picking up his books: I really respect our parents and their chosen additional life partner but don’t you think they can be a little…..

violet, jamming her toolkit into a suitcase: stupid?

klaus: I was going to say stubborn

klaus: but stupid works too.

so they all say good-bye :( lemony, violet, kit and dewey and bernadette go home. (bernadette’s real upset no one got back together. she hides it well but she just sort of crams herself into her seat on the plane on the trip home and is just super bummed. I love this lil kid.) (I fondly remember when this outline was nowhere near over 20k and was just a short little thing and bernadette’s scenes just monopolized it….)

the thing I love about bea raising klaus is that, and I also feel this for canon too, klaus gets so so much of bea’s anger and short temper

like violet is a lot more calmer in the take no shit category but klaus will, like his mother, flip a table

klaus: mother, that was the most foolish thing you’ve ever done and you know it

beatrice: !

beatrice: don’t you – don’t you use that tone with me, klaus

beatrice: I am your mother

klaus: and you’re just going to let my father and my sister walk away from us???

beatrice: I – it’s more complicated than that!

klaus: how??

beatrice: klaus, would you want me to risk this, everything we have, on the off chance that your father and I could maybe sort out our differences?

klaus: you didn’t seem to have that many differences!

beatrice: there’s a lot of things you don’t know, klaus!

klaus: then tell me! you’re the one who’s always telling me I can do anything, and I just think it seems pretty rich of you to decide that that doesn’t apply to you, or that I don’t get to know everything about the people who are supposed to be my family!

klaus has a point, here, and beatrice realizes that, so she decides IN THAT INSTANT that, okay. fine. it’s time to do something about this and she can do something about this.

SO SHE GOES TO BERTRAND

bertrand: bea, what –

beatrice: I can’t – look, I can’t do this to my kids either, okay, I can’t keep them apart anymore, what – why did I think that was such a good idea in the first place??? so I wouldn’t see lemony?? so I wouldn’t work things out between us, because we were fucking kids when we were together and, and I sacrificed my relationship with my daughter because I was so petty and selfish, and i’m doing it again, bertrand!! i’m letting myself do it again after everything we all talked about because i’m so fucking scared but I – I can’t do this to myself, you know? I want – I want things to work out this time. with all of us. I want to make it work and i’m going to make it work and i’m going to go get my daughter and lemony, and I want you to come with us, if you want to come with us.

klaus, leaning out of the car window and shouting at beatrice and bertrand, who are standing on the steps of bertrand’s place: if I may interject, the plane we intend to catch does leave in half an hour, so you two should maybe hurry up a little

klaus: not to ruin your moment or anything!

bertrand, desperately: I want things to work out, bea, I do. but what if you were right and we can’t –

beatrice: i’m right about a lot of things, bertrand baudelaire, and i’m right about this.

bertrand, nodding and trying not to smile too much: ….okay. okay.

MEANWHILE

violet: ….are you mad at me?

lemony: what – violet, I could never be mad at you.

violet: but I – I went behind your back, and I tricked both of you, and I wasn’t even thinking about what you wanted, it – it was just what I wanted, and that wasn’t okay, I shouldn’t have interfered with you and mother at all, I feel so awful –

lemony: none of what happened was your fault, violet. not at all. it was mine. i’m sorry that I kept so much from you. it was incredibly unfair to you, and to klaus. I should have told you a long time ago.

violet: I never got to ask before, but why did you and mother get divorced?

lemony: ….we were very young, and very impulsive. and, also, incredibly scared. that’s not a good combination when you’re trying to make a life with someone.

violet: you two seemed to get along a little better, now.

lemony: well, eleven years is a lot of time. you get older, and you realize the mistakes you made in your youth could’ve been dealt with a lot more easily than you previously thought. you realize you were….

violet: stubborn?

lemony: stupid.

violet: what made it not work out, this time?

lemony: you also realize there are more important things to think about than yourself and what you want.

violet: !

violet: father, I didn’t want you to –

lemony: it wasn’t your call to make, violet.

violet: but it was yours about whether or not I get to see my brother? you were only thinking about what you wanted, too!

lemony: ….

violet: ….that was rude of me, i’m sorry.

lemony: no – don’t apologize, violet. please.

violet, still very angry but also just sad and concerned about how lemony has, in the intervening time between these two conversations, said very little: I thought bertrand was nice.

lemony: bertrand – bertrand is very nice.

so they get back home.

lemony: what would you like for dinner?

violet: I don’t think i’m all that hungry, father.

lemony: no, neither am I.

and lemony just sort of, wanders into the library with his hands in his pockets, because he’s somehow more miserable than he’s been in quite some time, and he’s expecting to just sit around and stare at his typewriter and not get anything done for the rest of the night or really for the foreseeable future, and the library is filled with so many books and so much stuff but it feels so empty to him now, and lemony himself feels empty and horrible about everything and he just stares at the floor without really seeing anything at all

AND THEN

klaus, sitting in one of the library chairs: father, did you know that the concorde gets you here in half the time?

[I just kept the line. I thought long and hard and could not for the life of me think of any other jazzy lil line.] [although yes sadly the concorde no longer exists]

[hey, if lemony and violet are here, and kit and dewey and bernadette were with them on the plane, who’s driving the bus who let bea and bertrand in the house???? cause in the movie it’s gotta be the grandfather

jacques, who had stopped at lemony’s house hoping that he could catch them before the flight but obviously not catching them, who stayed to water the plants: /exiting the house

beatrice, careening out of a taxi: JACQUES HOLD THE DOOR

jacques: !!!! beatrice?? what are you –

bertrand: we’ll have to tell you later, there’s no time!

jacques: bertrand????

klaus really only has time to wave.

all three of them: /BOLT PAST JACQUES INTO THE HOUSE AND SLAM THE DOOR SHUT, leaving jacques out there in the street

jacques: ……….]

anyway

lemony, STUNNED: klaus?

violet, dashing into the room because she heard her brother: klaus!

klaus: ideally we would’ve figured this out before you left, but when you did, we were not completely happy about it.

lemony, still trying to collect himself: you –

and there’s bea and bertrand, standing there, real as anything! really there!! in his library!!

and lemony walks towards them, because this isn’t a matter of, chasing anyone, it’s all of them coming together like this

beatrice: this is gonna work. the three of us, this is gonna work.

beatrice: what do you think?

and the thing. about lemony. is that what he wants more than anything else in this whole fucking world. is a family. particularly in canon, being separated from (reasonably dead) parents and growing apart from his siblings and losing those connections to people, he so desperately wants something that’s his and his own and that he can keep stable by himself

and I think he still feels that way even in whatever fucking world of an au this is, and of course he wants to be with bea and bertrand and to have klaus and violet because he loves them but he is also massively craving that stability of having his own family and like really having it this time, not fucking it up because he’s young and stupid and just as impulsive as bea

THE POINT IS THIS IS A LOT FOR HIM, OKAY, THIS MEANS SO MUCH, to get this!! second chance at all the things he totally fucked up before, PLUS the loves of his life!!!!

and like!!! there’s bertrand. there’s bertrand!!! standing there and reaching out to take lemony’s hand and lemony takes bea’s and bea takes bertrand’s other one and. the road they had to take to get here wasn’t. the best. all the time. they all made mistakes. some. worse than others. and this isn’t the end, right here, there’s still gonna be things they have to work out. and it’s gonna be okay because there’s beatrice and bertrand and lemony. they’re in the same room and no one’s scared.

lemony: yes.

beatrice: yes???

bertrand: yes?

lemony: yes.

there’s a lot of good hugging, people are kissed, comments are made about chapstick flavors, lots of laughter, violet and klaus are tearing up and thrilled beyond belief, everything is beautiful!!!!!

klaus: I can’t believe –

violet: – we actually did it!

and, of course, beatrice was right. about everything.

the following amount of time is filled with –

-lots of arguments.

-mostly between bea and lemony.

-although bertrand has his fair share of arguments with both of them.

-violet and klaus don’t speak to each other for two weeks under the pretense of disagreeing about a book’s theme but really because they’re not sure how to act around each other now that they’re both there, they’ve lived their whole lives as only children and this is what they wanted but it’s also something they didn’t think about having to adjust to

-there’s also this immediate reluctance to listen to anything bea and lemony tell them because they have to get used to parents now, too

-parents who aren’t currently super functioning as parents

-there’s a lot of second-guessing people’s intentions

-why did you say that?? the hell does that eyebrow mean???? you picked that song for a REASON and fuck you for that!!!! you don’t trust me to drive, do you???? I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH FOR MY CHILD THANK YOU VERY MUCH

-that sort of thing.

-in varying shades of seriousness.

-i know it sounds mostly like just bea screaming there but trust me the sentiment is shared by all of them in various ways and actions

-they don’t do it in front of violet and klaus though

-NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE NOW, do they stay in england or all go to california??? do they go somewhere else???????? what even (I don’t even know)

-(they probably do stay in england though. that’s what I was picturing while writing this.)

-violet and klaus do adjust to no longer being only children and realizing they have someone their age to rely on now who understands them

-they make blanket forts where violet designs these stands that will hold books up and periodically turn the page so they can lay on their backs and read and not worry about moving

-klaus reads up on inventors so he and violet can talk about them

-they argue with bea and lemony a little about weird things because violet and klaus are trying to figure out where they are with their parents now and how they’re supposed to act and bea and lemony are trying to figure out how to coordinate parenting while wanting to kill each other

-they institute family game night and try to best each other in cards or scrabble because they can handle that

-bertrand, of course, is in a very awkward position at this time

-like he’s around but he can’t take sides because that’s Weird and he’s not that kind of person anyway, and he wants to be there but he doesn’t quite know as what

-like, he was gonna marry bea!! and now he’s not. and he loves lemony!!! but he can’t do anything about it because bea and lemony have problems to work out!!! and bertrand loves both of them!! and they love him!!! they know they do!! he knows they do!!!!! but everything is very uncomfortable!!!

-like, bertrand needs to be on equal footing in this relationship too!

-he hangs out with dewey a lot and they become Poetry Buds again

-he participates in family game night

-bea and lemony are worried that bertrand is only going to see himself as like a peacemaker between them when he isn’t because he never has been and realizing that bertrand is a huge official permanent part of their lives now is a big thing for them

-hi, my name’s lulu and writing the navigation of relationships is hard!!!! it’s so fucking hard

-the three of them watch movies wednesday nights – bertrand picks the movies and he picks these really sweet romantic ones (cause that’s just the kind of movies he likes!!!) and it’s unbearably great

-they mean to watch the thin man movies (the ones with nick charles aka william powell aka the guy lemony and bea would both fuck if they had had the opportunity) over a series of weeks but wind up marathoning all six of them one night (and it takes all night)

-none of them can function the next day

-bertrand: I get it. i’d do it with nick charles, too.

-beatrice sings herself hoarse during a play rehearsal and can’t talk for a week

-she can’t sleep one night and lemony finds her in the kitchen and makes them both tea and they salute each other with the mugs

-bertrand takes up writing limericks and leaves them around the house and lemony finds one in the shower and slips from laughing so hard

-bertrand, in the hospital: I could’ve killed you with poetry

lemony: I mean, all things considered, it’s not the worst way to go. it’s better than next to a pile of books I was meaning to read, which I always thought to be much more likely. slipping in the shower because of a charming limerick about shoes? it’s not all that bad.

bertrand: I don’t know whether to take the compliment or be worried about how you’ve considered how you’re likely to die. please don’t die.

-beatrice shows up at the hospital and throws the stuffed animal from carnival night at lemony

lemony: oh, you didn’t have to give me your….ah….

bertrand: ….moose? have we guessed moose?

beatrice: the ears……….

-things get, better

-they take turns picking up the kids from school

-some kid: gee violet how come your mom lets you have two dads

violet: just lucky, I guess

-lemony helps beatrice rehearse her lines and they straight-up make out for an hour instead

-lemony and bertrand make dessert once a week and routinely end up covered in flour

-there is a household debate on ‘what species is the stuffed animal’ and ‘what are we going to name it,’ moderated by kit

-violet puts on a one-woman play that she and klaus wrote about hedy lamarr for her school’s talent show and receives a standing ovation

-lemony and bea and bertrand are in the front row and beatrice is full-on sobbing during the standing ovation

-they get bertrand a new record player for his birthday and all three of them dance to his records the whole night

-yes they ARE all falling in love with each other all over again it is very important to me that they’re all on the same page when they do that

-violet and klaus make bertrand a ‘best additional parent’ mug because they don’t quite know what to call him (they haven’t figured it out yet), like violet makes him a fucking mug in her glassblowing class (you ever seen someone glassblow a mug??? it’s great.) and klaus does this beautiful calligraphy label for it

-bertrand cries immediately, for the next hour of his life, and just carries it around because he doesn’t know where to put it

-beatrice: aww, that was so sweet of you two, to make – does that say ‘additional parent’

lemony: I believe it says ‘additional parent.’

violet: we did also consider ‘greatest poet’ but that had less of the feeling we wanted.

klaus: we do realize that ‘best’ is truly an unquantifiable concept, because there’s no one out there ranking parents, but we thought it was the most fitting.

it’s after that that they all decide to get married.

later on, sunny is born!! and she’s very upset she missed out on all these shenanigans.

[jacques comes back to find so many people in his brother’s house.

kit: well jacques, you really should be home more

lemony: yes, find a nice person

lemony: …...or two

kit: settle down, stop looking so surprised.

lemony: kit your daughter just leapt off the bookshelf and tackled my husband

kit: and am I surprised? no.]

[also jacques does not buy his sister a nice new set of engraved fountain pens.

kit: so did you get me a souvenir or not, jacques

jacques: souvenir? I thought you said

kit: JACQUES WE ARE ADULTS DON’T YOU DARE BEETHOVEN ME

jacques: edward lear

jacques: here’s this book of delightful nonsense poetry.

kit: how could you]

[while bea is pregnant with sunny –

bertrand: what about sunny?

lemony: bertrand baudelaire.

lemony: you come into my house.

lemony: you marry my wife.

beatrice, across the room: I married both of you???

lemony: and you have the audacity.

lemony: to suggest we name our daughter after our high school drama teacher.

bertrand: okay but your reaction isn’t necessarily a no]