#hence my overthinking and worrying lol

[a-libra-writes]

Hey Libra! Hope you're well! I just had to ask... how on earth do you write for so many characters, so well?

Yooo, im quite content actually got a new plant im excited to repot. Im also (hopefully) gonna have chicken cuddles later today

Anyhoo! the answer is practice!! Lots of practice. And study the character like a bug in a jar. How do they react to danger, to happiness, to friends, to family ... how does their past color their actions, what are their current goals and desires. Are they even aware of what their desires are, etc.

From there you can start to extrapolate how they'd act in the new Situations you're putting them in! Romance is fun and my favorite to write because some people really do act differently with their loved ones and that's fun to explore, plus relationships can lead to emotional highs and lows. And awaken lots of trauma and angst. You know how it goes.

Practice is essential tho! Itll be bad and okay before it gets good. In my own experience sometimes doing a fuckton of characters becomes "meh" because I worry Im repeating myself - characters of the same temperment can have really similar reactions to a Situation! So I try to put a unique spin it, bc they dont have the same experiences/pasts.

And then ofc I worry I write so much fanfiction that the character isn't like their canon self at all ... I really need to reread asoiaf bc I worry abt that often. So referencing canon scenes/quotes/episodes/chapters/blah blah is essential. Asoiaf wiki is always up, I have notes on Lackadaisy stuff, I'll rewatch scenes in Peaky, etc etc.

[n4giism]

⇢ ˗ˏˋ frontal lobe muzik by daniel caesar ࿐ྂ

blue lock x fem!reader

characters: rensuke kunigami, meguru bachira, hyoma chigiri

content: part 2 of weird/bad habits they have. a bit of cursing (kunigami) and i added two parts for bachira bcus he’s #bestboy

ari’s note: i love daniel caesar sm omd. also for part 3 i’m probably gonna do reo, yukimiya and another character i haven’t decided yet lol so stay tuned!!

part 1. part 3.

rensuke kunigami: setting alarms every second and not getting up

it was your first time sleeping in the same bed as your boyfriend. it had been a long time into your relationship with kunigami but you both never slept over at each other's houses before, let alone in the same bed. that is until today where you both lost track of time and it had already gotten too late for kunigami to head home. hence you suggested for him to just sleep at your house for the night and he agreed.

seeing your boyfriend aggressively doing something with his phone made you curious to ask what he was doing. was it something he always did before bed? you were very curious.

"what are you doing, kuni?"

"i'm setting my alarm to wake up for gym tomorrow. i gotta get up at 6. you can go to sleep first, it'll take awhile." he replied, kissing your forehead and looking back at his phone.

"what? it's just one alarm, why would it take so long?" you asked and sat up from lying down beside kunigami, who was currently leaning against the headboard.

you scooted closer to him and saw the monstrosity he had created. on his phone, in his clock app, were what felt like a hundred alarms. all one second apart from each other.

"oh my god, kuni.. what the hell are you doing?" you asked, shock laced your voice as kunigami kept setting more and more alarms.

he mentioned getting up at 6, and he was already setting alarms for 7am.

"what's wrong? i'm just setting my alarm." he replied, confused as to why you were shocked.

"you said 'alarm', kuni. what you're doing is setting 'alarmsssss'! with an 's'! plural alarm!" you explained, eyes wide; still shocked that he had set so many alarms.

"you're overthinking it, dear. i probably don't even need this many alarms. i usually get up at the first one, trust me. i'm just taking precautions." he chuckled light-heartedly.

"you sure?" you asked, concerned and worried. it would be living hell if the alarm rang for an hour straight. plus, having your sleep interrupted at 6 in the morning on a weekend does not sound like a lovely idea at all.

"yes, trust me. i'll turn off all the other alarms once i'm up, okay? you won't even know i'm awake!" he reassured.

you eyed him suspiciously, but ultimately let it go and just went to sleep. he is kunigami rensuke, after all. you trusted him. he keeps his word.

kunigami bonus!:

god, you were losing your mind. it was currently 6:08am. how did you know the exact time? it's thanks to kunigami and his army of alarms. you heard him snooze them 8 times already.

and to make it worse, kunigami's alarm sound was the rooster crowing one.

you whined and covered your ears with the blanket. but even that couldn't block out the stupid alarms. you could even hear kunigami snoring away.

"kuni.. get the fucking alarms," you mumbled, eyes closing but the constant rooster ringing in your ear kept you from drifting to your slumber.

it rung for another 3 minutes - the longest 3 minutes of your life - until you decided to get up and turn the alarms off yourself.

getting up, you reached over kunigami's body and grabbed his phone. you took his hand and used his finger to unlock the password and you finally shut off all the alarms.

sighing, you placed the phone back on the bedside table and went back to sleep, "so much for, 'trust me!', 'you won't even know i'm awake!'" you mocked sleepily.

let's just say, kunigami did not go to the gym that morning.

meguru bachira: using auto caps in the middle of a sentence

he does this very often, especially when he’s trying to emphasise a point. his texts also have a lot of typos, only god knows what he’s trying to say.

meguru bachira pt 2: refuses to leave until you say “i love you” back

“i’m going now!” bachira called as he put on his shoes. he checked that he had everything he needed for soccer practice and stood up from the stool.

you emerged from the bedroom and ran to him, engulfing him in a tight hug, “okay, take care. have fun at soccer!” you said and pulled his face down to give him a kiss.

“i will! okay, i’m going now. bye bye, i love you.” he said and picked up his shoe bag and opened the door.

“okay, bye!” you waved.

“i love you.” he repeated.

“i know! take care!” you said, worried. why isn’t he leaving yet?

“i said i love you!!!” he pouted.

“yes, i heard. now go! or you’re gonna be late!” you pestered, about to close the door but bachira quickly put his foot between the door and the wall.

“say it back!!” he whined.

“what? meguru, you’re seriously gonna be late!” you replied, panicked.

“you don’t love me anymore?” he whimpered, tears forming in his eyes.

“what! meguru, what are you on about? of course i do.” you answered and embraced his body lightly.

“then why didn’t you say it back!”

“oh my god, bachira. you’re really like a child.”

“i don’t care. i’m not leaving until you tell me you love me.” he said, put down his shoe bag and stood his ground. crossing his arms and huffing, he meant what he said.

“oh my god.. okay, okay! i love you too, megu! i love you so much! now please hurry and go! or isagi’s gonna be calling my phone non-stop asking where you are!” you said and motioned your arms for him to go.

“okay! bye!! i love you sooo much, y/n!” he exclaimed, happy that you told him you love him. he picked up his things and walked off.

hyoma chigiri: giving you a cup of ice when he's mad

dating chigiri came with many things. it included him sharing his hair care tips with you and a lot of healthy eating because he prioritised healthy eating a lot.

but it also came with his princess needs. like how he needs his hair to air dry for 15 minutes before he applies all the different hair oils, hair serums, hair masks and whatnot. he also had a strict diet. and he always, absolutely always, made time for his leg care where he’d hog the tv for an hour or so, and move all the sofas and the coffee table away to roll out his yoga mat and just meditate and do whatever he needs to do for that hour.

dating chigiri also came with his many weird habits. the one that baffled you the most was him giving you a cup of ice when he’s mad.

because chigiri had a strict routine to follow everyday, sometimes it hindered with your own needs too. like wanting to use the bathroom but he was in the shower for what felt like forever, rinsing and shampooing his hair.

it was especially difficult when the two of you just started living together. the both of you were unable to coexist in the same house and adjust your routines to one another. but with time, things changed and now the two of you live comfortably. you found yourself pondering about the first time chigiri got mad at you over something small and it made you giggle a bit.

it started when you found his secret stash of strawberries. chigiri’s favourite fruit was strawberries in the fridge and he always included them in his diet - whether it’s in his morning breakfast, or blending them in his protein shake.

not knowing the strawberries were so important to him, you ate just a few of his strawberries. you did not know that chigiri counted his strawberries, and only ate a certain amount at a time. you also did not know that he had a small notebook that he uses to keep track of his routines; counting strawberries included.

chigiri was appalled to discover that he was short on strawberries when he was making his protein shake that afternoon. he noticed the green leaves of the strawberries were in the nearby bin and he connected the pieces together to come to the conclusion that you had ate his precious strawberries.

“hyo! could you help me here, please? i dropped my lip balm behind the dresser, i need you to help me move it!” you called from your bedroom. chigiri rolled his eyes, huffing in annoyance.

you were on your phone waiting for chigiri when he came in the room holding a glass of - what looked like - ice.

“oh thank goodness you’re here, hyo.” you sighed in relief upon seeing his face. he pouted, placed the glass of ice on your dresser and walked away.

“what? hyo! hello!? hyo? what is this for?!” you called again and looked at the glass of ice, puzzled.

he didn’t talk to you the entire day, but he followed you around the house like a puppy, and whenever you attempted to throw the ice away, he’d quickly intercept, shaking his head silently and placing the glass on the counter. then when you asked him for an explanation, he walked away.

after a few attempts of discarding the ice - and chigiri coming to stop you - you gave up, and just left the glass there.

it was around 9pm and you were washing the dishes with chigiri standing right beside you, until he turned his head to where the glass of ice was and he saw that it had melted into water.

“you ate my strawberries,” he finally said.

“what? hyo, you didn’t talk to me the whole day, and the first thing you say after, what, 9 hours, is ‘you ate my strawberries’?” you replied, jolting a bit when he suddenly spoke.

“yeah.” he answered quickly like it wasn’t a big deal.

“i told myself i’d talk to you after the ice melted.” he added.

“is that what all this is about, hyo?” you muttered and he nodded.

“i’m gonna break up with you if you try that again,” you threatened light-heartedly and chigiri quickly bit back, “then i’ll give you more ice cubes. once it melts then we are dating again.”

he knew you were joking and that’s the worst part. chigiri always had his way, he knew you couldn’t not love him.

you looked at him and he gave you a blank stare.

“you’re so weird, hyo.”

“but you still love me.”

“… whatever.”

end.

[watermeloncoral]

Theory explaining Ruan Nanzhu's attitude towards Zhuang Rujiao

What happened between the Human Skin Drum arc and Sako/Zuozi arc (episodes 10 - 12), inspired by this post: https://www.tumblr.com/lonelylonelyghost/754097337279954944/re-watch-of-the-spirealm-episode-14

To preface, Ruan Nanzhu's behaviour towards Zhuang Rujiao is quite interesting. She was neither a competitor for Lin Qiushi's attention like Xu Jin nor hostile towards Lin Qiushi in any way. She maintains a neutrally positive attitude towards Lin Qiushi. So there isn't a clear reason why Ruan Nanzhu was "bullying" her (in Lin Qiushi's words).

Of course, the obvious reasons are as follows:

Ruan Nanzhu's "training" her (lol)

Motivating Li Dongyuan

Ruan Nanzhu's mocking her sajiao

Censorship-safe flirting with Lin Qiushi

But I headcannon another reason after rewatching it again and overthinking.

First off, a general timeline of events:

Lin Qiushi has been attacked by the door god('s sister. I think they are both door gods?) and comes out of the door with a concussion

Zhuang Rujiao joins Obsidian as a spy who failed her mission before she even joined.

Lin Qiushi unconscious. When he wakes up, he is visited by Ruan Nanzhu (who tells him he had plans) then Cheng Qianli (who tells him someone new joined while he was unconscious)

Zhuang Rujiao and Ruan Nanzhu go through many doors.

Ruan Nanzhu tells Lin Qiushi "7 days", which Chen Fei reiterates "6 days" the day after during the hospital visit.

Zhuang Rujiao ends up in the hospital after a door then leaves Obsidian with the fake box of clues after her release.

So, what happened while Lin Qiushi was unconscious?

The drama has condensed much of the passage of time compared to the drama. First off, Lin Qiushi was sent to the hospital for a month. Cheng Qianli doesn't speak of a new person joining, instead he says that White Deer has been investigating them. The new person only "joins" after Lin Qiushi has been discharged. Therefore, we will ignore the novel's timeframe.

Let's also assume there are no continuity errors that happened due to the adaptation condensing the above events.

This is what we know concerning new people and Zhuang Rujiao's circumstances:

You can't join Obsidian before your first door

Zhuang Rujiao must have either met Ruan Nanzhu while in the door or contacted him afterwards via the forum.

Ruan Nanzhu helped her with her 2nd door and then officially brought her to Obsidian

However, she was known to Cheng Qianli before she was officially a member. He even complains how Ruan Nanzhu has been only bringing her into doors on her first day in Obsidian

Therefore, Ruan Nanzhu must have learned about Zhuang Rujiao before Lin Qiushi was awake and put her on Obsidian's radar. Then, shortly after Lin Qiushi wakes up, Ruan Nanzhu completes the 2nd door with her. But Cheng Qianli implied that he brought her through more than one door.

So Ruan Nanzhu must have entered a door with Zhuang Rujiao before Lin Qiushi woke up.

This is my headcannon. Ruan Nanzhu, while worried sick over Lin Qiushi, learns that White Deer has been investigating them and is forced to leave his bedside to receive the spy.

It gets even better.

During the hospital visit, Chen Fei tells Lin Qiushi that he has to hide his medical abilities from outsiders, hence why they sent Zhuang Rujiao to the hospital but didn't send Ruan Nanzhu. In the drama, Lin Qiushi was also not sent to the hospital, which means that Chen Fei was the one to take care of him too. So perhaps…

Ruan Nanzhu purposefully falls for the White Deer spy so that they won't realize Chen Fei's abilities while Lin Qiushi is in his care. White Deer also has no idea that Lin Qiushi has been injured in the Human Skin Drum door.

So poor Zhuang Rujiao was stuck doing a task she didn't really want to do in the first place at the worst possible moment, making her the target of all of Ruan Nanzhu's ire and death glares. (He looked like he wanted to murder her with the apple in the hospital 😂)

Furthermore, since doors usually take several days to complete and Ruan Nanzhu most definitely planned for Lin Qiushi to go through some of them with him, Ruan Nanzhu was probably thinking/worrying over Lin Qiushi while on babysitting duty and just doing whatever he could to make her crack as fast as possible. 7 days was his deadline before he actually snapped. Good thing she escaped before then.

[plutoasteroids]

Hello again! How are you!? Hopefully fine. First of all thankyou for opening a game for us, and also before i give you a moodboard let me mention it's all based on my intuition so please take it with grain of salt and let me know if things resonate because it can help me improve.

Moodboard; You and your fs 🖤

Okay so before i began I do believe you are someone to whom materialistyc things are important, like not in a negative way but money, luxury and all, it seems the same with your fs, idk why I was hearing"finance" maybe he's in finance!? Something about money was coming up, you both seem somewhat different but a good match and balance each other well like he doesn't seem the type to speakk much, reserved, private and yk like those business CEO types lol. While you seem someone who's free spirited like you want to enjoy life, might like partying? Or going out, wearing make-up,bold, loud, like you are a fun person. You seem the type to be anxious or overthink? While your fs seems someone who's like okay well i mean I don't think they really show much or overthink like you do, they seem to have taken good care of themselves, have masculine personality, maybe tall and bug shoulders? Idk why I was hearing this viral meme "i was looking for a man in finance..." Lmao. It's like you two balance each other well, you are the type of couple to spend money on luxury dates, going out, having fun. Your fs doesn't seem the type to party a lot or something rather is private and prefers to stay at home maybe? But would love to spend time with you. He seems honest and loyal too. Masculine energetically. Like you guys might like travelling? He seems very chill and cold, but kind and caring too. Someone who's work/Carrer oriented maybe we'll educated too someone who's intelligent, knowledgeable and experienced. You both give like star girlx CEO vibes (hope it makes sense) like you two are different but at the same time you two work so well together, you might be the type to tease? Hence more clingy but love and passion definitely seems there in your relationship. He seems handsome too, idk why "blue eyes" was coming too but don't take it too seriously because I can do wrong. Also I do think you are spiritual and all well balanced but he doesn't seem the type to be involved or is a believer of it i guess. You both seem very modern and open-minded. Like not the traditional type of couple!!

My question is->How they treat you. I'm she/her intrested in men (he/him) Jasmine, capricorn-sun, Virgo moon and taurus rising. Take care, hopefully you'll have an amazing day ahead. Sending good energy and vibes. 🫶🏻🤍✨🧿

You went above and beyond!! I love this sooo much thank you!

-How will they treat you

You may think of this person often or even fantasize about him often. Anyways, I feel like your fs is going to be a dream come true for you, they will certainly work hard to make all your fantasies come true. He'll offer you security, like you don't have to worry about this and that especially in terms of finances. This is a very pure type of love, like they'll do small, cute gestures just to see you smile and see you happy. You'll do a lot of activities that people may consider to be childish, but it will bring the both of you so much happiness and peace to the point that it will play such a big role in healing your inner child.

You may stay up all night worrying and stressing on if you'll meet him, if he'll be loyal or overall just how the relationship might be and I want to tell you that it will be everything you hoped for and beyond. This is the grow old together type of relationship, like he's 80 and still carries a picture of you in his wallet. That old Hollywood, Disney, whisk you off your feet type of love. You won't feel mistreated in the relationship it will be very much equal in terms of love, adoration and loyalty.

This person seems to be financially stable and with that comes their love language which is gift giving. He will give you lots of gifts and he's not stingy with gifts or money either.

-I heard him say I love you just when I was done doing the reading and he has a big smile on his face. To you he will be such a sweetheart ('I heard only for you').

[gregoftom]

omg the norwegian wood exactly!!!!! like it was a moment where it seemed greg was being his hetero playboy persona like "some hotties...the arctic foxes...bit of norwegian wood" but like norwegian WOOD??? that's suddenly so explicitly Not Straight??? HE ALSO LITERALLY TURNED TO TOM AS HE DECIDED TO MENTION NORWEGIAN WOOD???? and with a dopey fucking smile too

he's also then so tender when he's with tom asking "but you're not worried, right? you're good" with a gentle touch. it's!!!

I totally also buy that they've been intimate. and it's changed their dynamic but there's also this boundary to it because it hasn't had them be Together as an actual couple so they're just like orbiting this thing. and I bet greg's like soooooo in his own head rationalising it. like they're just Buddies. buddies that sometimes give each other release when they haven't scored a woman but are still pent up. and I just Know that tom's so tender in it and also so horny but then Also just puts these walls up like it's Nothing like there's not emotion involved like it's not a Thing, greg, it's not weird. (don't overthink it.) and greg's like...along for the ride, but probably also got fucking whiplash lol. and probably his whole comphet, gay dad issues got him thinking in denial like you can still be straight while fucking around with a man

like I feel like they Do have the vibes of having been intimate and it's like unlocked this level of affection and touch and cheeky playfulness they sometimes have. and like there's now always the option that they Could do a little something, so there's a thrill there that it's like...maybe available, at any opportunity. but it's also Not Properly Spoken About or acknowledged so it's like dancing on the edge of something. like I'm sometimes aloud to have you but I know I don't actually have you...but you are mine...we're each other's we're linked we have little secret private in-jokes, and I'm your cheerleader your champion I care about you I want to protect you and you protect me...but there's no Relationship, there's no talk of it being a relationship.

I feel like if greg even reminded tom that they'd held each other's dicks tom would shut him down instantly. ...but then later inexplicably touch him so tenderly or sexually...and not even acknowledge the disconnect there

YEAH LIKE. like i said, there’s sequoias there so it seemed to be greg having a little inside thing with tom like i GET it!!! being real i think they Did Something even before norway like hand on heart i think somewhere in the 3-4 gap was the first time. the way they act in 4.02, way tom finally opens up to greg in 4.03 and says he’s not okay, the way greg is like. blatantly eyeing tom at the wake [and they arrive together?! oh they fucked the night previous] it like. all hints to me they’ve stepped over a barrier into intimate territory of i guess fwb [but they absolutely both feel more than that, hence in 4.08 greg’s finally like, so where are we at in terms of us? and bringing up matsson and the way he treats him but enjoying the trust as though referring to him and tom and where they started and are now at, bc he doesn’t want that anymore, he wants to be tom’s lover.]

LORD don’t even say that to meeeee it’s true like. greg wants to look out for tom esp after what happened last time he was on a flight like that :( he’s worried about him! and lmfao hugo being like UR ON A DIFF FLIGHT TO TOMand greg being like ok and? see if i give a fuck i need to check on my man 🔪

and yeah like that is tom’s way, i think. i think he desperately tries to be this like detached guy with greg, and this kinky guy with shiv and he just can’t keep it up bc his nature is being romantic as hell so he’d slip up a lot with greg just like he always has like I AM MEAN AND NASTY GRRR but then forehead kisses and i’ll look after you. and as you say he’d be so tender and gentle in bed like i stand firm by my belief that tom was greg’s first real fuck And it was amazing simply bc tom was so tender and giving during bc he can’t really be anything else, that’s just how he is and why sex with him is so good. but if greg tried to bring it up or mention he’d absolutely dismiss it lol. probably again what led him to being bitchslapped in the bathroom LMFAOOO tom step it up!!!!

[ootahime]

analyzing every gojohime moment in the manga p2

part 1 is here :3

this post includes more excruciatingly long paragraphs so grab urself something and enjoy LOL

chapter 40 

i know they’re not interacting in this panel but i still want to bring it up.  i’m gonna give some context to this scene in case someone needs to jog their memory.  so basically, mei’s ability to command crows is what allows the staff to observe the students from afar.  however, gojo notices that there’s lack of footage where yuuji is and asks mei why that’s so.  she tells him that they’re animals at the end of the day so she can’t control what they look at.  he doesn’t believe her so he asks her whose side she’s on (for yuuji’s execution vs against yuuji’s execution) to which she responds with, “whose side?  i’m on the side with money, of course.  there’s no value in something that can’t be bought since you can’t exchange that for money.”  in other words, she’ll always choose the side that offers her more money because she doesn’t care about how morally “correct” or “incorrect” something is.  it’s not worth fighting for a cause that doesn’t benefit her in the long run which is why she views things that are unable to be bought (friendships, relationships, favors) as useless - they can’t be exchanged for money.  it’s clear that gojo knows she’s not on his side because he replies with, “spoken from experience!” or “i wonder how much!” (translation varies).  he says it out loud to perhaps let gakuganji know that he’s onto him.  i find it interesting how utahime is in the panel as well with a “?” to express her confusion at his words.  let’s overthink dissect that.  why is she there in the first place? if the message was to let gakuganji know that gojo is aware of his ulterior motives then a panel with gakuganji and gojo would have sufficed.  why add utahime with a question mark? 

here’s a personal headcanon of mine that makes no absolute sense, but who cares? it makes me happy LOL.  so let’s examine the panel.  gojo’s face is more simplified and cartoonish with a grey background on top and some sort of white bubble surrounding the three characters.  gakuganji is staring at utahime and gojo.  in the official viz translation, he replies to mei with, “i wonder how much!”  

normal and logical explanation: shading the principal by asking out loud how much mei was paid by him to avoid monitoring yuuji.

gojohime brainrot explanation: 

mei: “there’s no value in something that can’t be bought since you can’t exchange that for money”

gojo: (in response) i wonder how much utahime’s love would cost if it did have a price.

utahime: ?

you’re probably thinking i’m delulu (true) BUT HEAR ME OUT.  IT WOULD SOMEWHAT MAKE SENSE IN THIS CONTEXT...

mei’s saying seems to be what she lives by.  relationships, love, friendships, etc. do not matter to her as this is evident when she ultimately abandons everyone in shibuya to escape to malaysia, selling all her stocks before japan’s economy goes down.  she doesn’t care about anyone else.  she even takes advantage of ui ui’s adoration for her.  she contrasts utahime.  utahime is loved by her students.  children, especially teenagers, are picky when it comes to choosing the adults they admire and respect.  while everyone trusts gojo, they do not respect him because of his childishness and overall absurdity.  it’s refreshing to see how they always call him an idiot or have a -_- face when he’s around.  when akutami says everyone absolutely adores utahime-sensei, it says a lot.  we haven’t seen her interact with her students all that much, but she’s obviously close to them because she’s frequently arguing with momo.  even a closed off person like mechamaru wanted to keep her away from danger.  she most certainly expresses a lot of concern and care for her students, and gojo and her students can pick up on this. 

i’ve talked about this in every post LOLOL but there’s a reason why he went to utahime first to help him investigate.  utahime is a loyal person through and through.  she would never do something that harms the students even if she was offered everything in the world.  she values relationships above everything else.  besides her concern for the students, how else was i able to come to this conclusion about her character?  well, she got shoko to stop smoking because she was worried about how it might damage her friend’s health.  from these two details, it’s obvious that she’s the complete opposite of mei.  

maybe that’s why he calls her weak.  she’s too selfless and compassionate in a world where every sorcerer is for themselves.  the world is cruel as a sorcerer.  no matter how hard you try to fight, in the end, you’ll always die alone.  remember his talk with megumi after the baseball game?  after witnessing megumi pull a sacrificial bunt to help his teammates advance, gojo has a talk with megumi about his attitude and potential.  he says that being selfless and caring about others is not a bad thing, but in a world like this, where people always die alone, he is wasting his potential by being concerned with others.  it’s okay to be selfish.  this is why we see fierce independence in a lot of the sorcerers like mei, nanami, and gojo.  they each have their own reasons as to why they work alone, but it’s still a common characteristic.  i feel like utahime doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body.  i speculate that her selflessness is the exact reason why she is being held back.  during her mission to exorcise a grade 1 spirit by herself, the final task before being promoted to grade 1, she likely got distracted trying to help civilians out of danger and failed her mission.  he’s right when he says she doesn’t have the guts to be the traitor, utahime doesn’t have it in her to do something so boldly solely for her own benefit.  

after this long tangent, how does this relate to your headcanon, ootahime?  

as you know, love is not transactional.  you can’t pay someone to love you.  what if gojo is asking himself how much it would cost to buy her love.  hence, her confusion because she is oblivious to what he really means.  it could be probable because gakuganji is observing not only gojo, but utahime as well.  so what gojo says must involve her too, right?  

or she could just be confused because his words seem out of place because she is unaware of what gakuganji is doing behind everyone’s back.  that explanation makes sense for viz’s official translation but it doesn’t make sense when he says, “spoken from experience!” because his words make sense in that context.  he’s basically saying that mei’s beliefs must be based on her past experiences so he understands why she feels this way.  that’s an appropriate response to mei’s statement so i don’t see why utahime would be confused by this.  unless i’m interpreting this whole scene completely wrong.  in that case, whoopsies!  

let me know if you’re confused because i’m willing to clarify.  idk why but i found this really difficult to explain.  maybe because i’m reaching so hard haha

chapter 40

he finds any way he can to tease her.  they seem like a married couple watching a movie or something.  does he take pride in being the only person she doesn’t get along with?  i mean, she says it herself so he is aware she thinks he’s annoying, but he keeps picking on her anyway.  he doesn’t even pick on his enemies this much LMAOOO i think the only other person he likes to make fun of is gakuganji but he does so because he doesn’t agree with his views.  with utahime it’s different.  he trusts her a lot and even looks out for her.  

chapter 44

why are there two separate instances of gakuganji observing utahime and gojo’s interactions from afar?  nah i’m just playing.  he’s just looking because he’s concerned she’ll run into the semi-grade 1 curse he had for yuuji.  OKAY BUT I NOTICED SOMETHING KINDA CUTE?  whenever utahime says something suddenly, he always has those 3 little triangles near his head.  it’s like he’s thinking, “oh!  utahime is speaking, i must listen <3″  look at his face too.  he’s looking at her like :O

this is also an example of her showcasing her concern for the students in front of gojo.  i feel like he questions why she’s so caring because if it were him, he would have left the student to figure it out themselves.  i really wonder how she would react if he answered her truthfully when she asked what he’d do if she were the traitor.  

chapter 45

there’s not much to say here...they’re just cute.  i know it’ll never happen but i’d like to see them fight side by side one day.  i’m aware that gojo works best alone but i just want to see how they’d work together, okay? 😔

chapter 45

see the little triangles on his head again?  UGH SO CUTE.  

chapter 45

IS THIS NOT INTENTIONAL???  they share the same thoughts.  he even finished her thought.  mannnnnnnnnnnnn what is akutami doing?  giving us false hope and stripping it away just for fun?  making them work so well together for what??

chapter 52

cute how he looks out for her.  i have nothing more to say LOL

chapter 53

notice how they’re sitting across from each other?  HEHE

chapter 53

yet another instance of her caring for her students in front of gojo.  in the anime she has the cutest expression when she says she’s glad the students are safe.  i bet gojo saw that too.  i also bet that she looks prettier from his point of view.

extra

from the manga and light novels, gojo and utahime are the ones that talk about sports the most.  he most definitely chose baseball to cheer her up.  it’s not a coincidence people!  

--

i feel like i had a lot more to say but i completely lost my train of thought while writing this, especially with chapter 40. i’m once again writing this at 4 in the morning LOL........  please please please add on or share your thoughts!  thank you for reading and sorry for any mistakes.  

[nolanhollogay]

fictional BOYBAND 🤯👀👀👀

yesss the moment I've been waiting for!!!

ok so for some background, I created these boysizes when i was thirteen and knee deep in my one direction/little mix/fifth harmony phase and i loved them all soooo much that i wanted to try my hand at writing my own group

(bcuz of this I'm very emotionally attached to them, as to be expected)

but bcuz I started writing them as a literal child, their story was not very well done/fleshed out, so I'm rewriting them now with my Grown Up Skills

time to unlock The Lore™ (under the cut bcuz im incapable of shutting up):

Okay so, to start, the group is formed on a fictional singing competition show called StarCaster yes, it's a rip off of the x factor don't worry about it where they are given the name Chrome Heart yes, its stupid but I got it from a generator and I'm too emotionally attached to change it

there's five members: Alvin Santiago, Edwin "Eddie" Smith, Rosscoe "Ross" Jones, Derek John Juarez and Cam Perez

Alvin is the oldest and the unofficial official leader! He was born n raised in San Antonio, Texas and he's the child of second gen immigrants, and the second child out of two! His father was very strict so Al is very good at following rules and making sure things run smoothly, hence why he's leader! He was the smart kid to his brother's troublemaker and he was always told that he was going to be the one to "make it" in their family! He's very intelligent, observant and an overthinker.

Looks wise he’s what I call classically handsome, like Marlon Brando or James Dean. He’s Honduran. He’s got dark hair, which he keeps short because he doesn’t want to deal with doing his hair lol. Tan skin, brown eyes, a straight nose, dimples, and a very wide smile that takes up his whole face. 

Eddie is the heartthrob of the group. He's from New Jersey. He's an only child and his parents are new money so he was very spolied growing up and basically told hes the greatest person to ever have lived lol. Because of this he's very full of himself and a little selfish and it shows. He's vain, confrontational and take charge, but also can be very thoughtful when he wants to be.

Eddie is our token white, so ofc he gets all the girlies. He’s tall (5′11″) and pale, with black hair and blue eyes. Just imagine a generic white guy and thats him.

Ross is from New York (where exactly is tbd). He has no siblings but he grew up with Derek John, who's his brother in everything except blood. They were both middle class and lived comfortably. His mother is a nurse and his dad is a mailman! Ross is very easygoing and doesn't really take anything seriously lol. i would describe him as laid back, silly, but also surprisingly good at being serious when he needs to be.

Ross is black and smart and sexy, universally appealing, he’s dark skinned, with dark eyes. Beautiful, showstopping, incredible smile. He’s 5′10″ and very angry about it because if he was 5′11″ he could lie and say he’s 6 foot but he can’t.

Derek John is the son of a lawyer and a bank teller. He’s the eldest of three with two younger sisters (they both also have two first names). He had a very troubled childhood because he had bad anger issues and would get into fights a lot :(. He was diagnosed with IED at 11, so like silver linings. Other than that he was chilling. Hes also a jokester with Ross and the two of them are always making trouble together. Hes very loyal and protective of the people he cares about, and also very kind! He’s do no harm but take no shit as a person.

Derek John is Mexican, 6 foot, tan, with brown eyes and dark hair. I’m running out of descriptives.

Cam, who’s first name is actually Mateo, was born in mexico, and he immigrated to the US (California specifically) when he was ten with his mother and grandmother. His father passed away from cancer when he was five. He’s always been a performer, singing and performing since he was very young, like three. His personality is kind of hard to explain bcuz most of the time he’s just acting in a way that makes him desirable to whoever hes with, but when he lets the mask slip, hes very quiet. But also he’s kind of a control freak, and has some obsessive tendencies (this bitch needs a diagnosis so bad). He’s very snarky and sarcastic, and he likes to pick fights with ppl bcuz he knows he’ll win. But underneath all of that hes a little sweet pea, gentle soul who just wants to be liked.

He’s the baby of the group and it shows very hard in his looks. He’s the tiniest at 5′6″, with a baby face, and big doe eyes and a poutty mouth. He’s half black so he’s darker skinned than Alvin and Derek John but lighter than Ross. He’s also my specialist most favorite boy.

[catboydogma]

ok i know i keep coming back to lost cause but it really is my favorite of yours (until i finish vertical transmissions at least) so for the dvd commentary thing:

“Did you—kriff, where did you get the money?” Tup lifted out the other two bottles and looked at them, still with that complicated expression on his face. His eyes were all wide and his mouth was open, but it wasn’t standard Tup-surprise, it was something else.

Fuck.

Do you not like them? Dogma asked, worried. He could have gotten the wrong smell. What if Tup was allergic to jogan fruit? What if he hated jogan fruit? What if—

“No, little gods, no. Kark. Dogma.” Tup grabbed his face again, then pulled him into a hug. The bottles clattered to the side but that was ok; Dogma had bought ones that would hold up well during campaigns. “Dogma. This is—I can’t—you’re so karking sweet, I—I love them, thank you, I just—”

Okay. Tup was being weird about it, but that was fine. As long as he liked them. Tup squeezed Dogma even tighter, tight enough to pull an embarrassing squeak out of Dogma, but he didn’t mind. Dogma patted Tup’s shoulder a few times and buried his nose in the crook of Tup’s neck and finally let himself breathe.

thank u sm!! ASJFKESKD im so glad u like it!! lost cause is def one of my favorite fics that i've written lol (here on ao3)

commentary ask game!

His eyes were all wide and his mouth was open, but it wasn’t standard Tup-surprise, it was something else.

ok so ... i'm someone who has trouble with reading expression and body language unless i have, like, a benchmark for it lol. so while i don't like, outright CATALOGUE expressions, it can be, y'know, difficult sometimes. and i think dogma does the same kind of thing, hence why he knows certain expressions are tup-surprise and some are tup-sadness and others are tup-excitement. i am also a strong believer that clones, while having similar behavioral patterns and expressions--like people who live in a certain region or state--don't have identical expressions. so while dogma would be able to 'read' someone from his own squad or that he's close to, someone from, say, the 212th or 104th would be a lot harder or even impossible

What if Tup was allergic to jogan fruit? What if he hated jogan fruit? What if—

In Which Dogma Considers All Angles! Always! Every Angle! while this is good in a tactical setting, this can also lead to a fair bit of overthinking. he's got a problem-analysis-solution mind, so there's a little part of his brain dedicated to finding problems all. the. time. hence. yeah (waves hand vaguely at dogma)

Dogma had bought ones that would hold up well during campaigns.

once again: dogma-typical overthinking and thoughtfulness in one (1) package!

Okay. Tup was being weird about it, but that was fine. As long as he liked them.

dogma's love language isn't verbal or physical (it's acts of service and quality time, among other things lol) so displays of overt gratitude often take him by surprise. it's not that he's ungrateful or he thinks that someone shouldn't be grateful, it's just kind of a mistranslation for him a lot of the time

Dogma patted Tup’s shoulder a few times and buried his nose in the crook of Tup’s neck and finally let himself breathe.

YOU KNOW WHEN. someone hugs you REALLY fucking hard and just squeezes the breath out of you but you're like ah. here we go. this is what i needed. that's what i was aiming for here lol

[iheartallah]

Assalamualaikum. Hope you are well.

I’m (23F) currently considering a proposal and would perhaps like your views.

The prospect is 25 and lives 4 hours away in the UK; a relative suggested me to his mother. We’ve exchanged pictures, and spoken on a video call. I was happy to then exchange numbers- and I suggested we would speak for a week or so prior to confirming whether we would be happy for families to meet.

He seems nice: mature, funny and calm. He lives separately from his parents, an hour away for his work and visits them fortnightly. His mother is conservative, and wasn’t really happy with the two of us communicating via text ‘alone’. She suggested we make a decision of families meeting within a couple of days of talking instead and that any other questions can be made through our mothers. I understood her view, and I felt what I had seen from him was enough to warrant meeting a family meeting. I also could feel myself getting emotionally attached to him, so I appreciated having the distance.

I have started praying Istikhara. They’ll be coming at the end of the month, and conversations with him and his Mum always go well- smooth and productive.

I’m conscious of the following:

I asked about habits such as smoking and watching pornography. He disclosed to me early on in the days of our conversation that he used to smoke at university, and that he doesn’t do so now. He also disclosed that he used to watch porn, but this has stopped too.

He then voluntarily highlighted that he had also consumed alcohol when he first entered the world of work. He’s provided detail, saying he was never drunk but ‘tipsy’. He isn’t proud of his actions, which he states occurred a handful of times, and he does seem remorseful. He was quite open in discussing the details with me, but asked I do not tell anyone, as his family are unaware. I’ve agreed to not disclose his sin, and thanked him for his honesty. I asked for promises that will not take up smoking, pornography and drinking again, and he has done so.

FYI- He asserts that he is a virgin, and has never been in a relationship. My older brother has spoken to him and approves of his character.

As someone who has abstained from these things, I am feeling a little confused. I expected the smoking and porn, it has cropped up with every potential I have spoken to. I’m nervous that he would turn back to drink, even though he has assured me that he will not. I haven’t disclosed anything to my mother, but I mentioned to her that potentials can promise anything before marriage- but once I’m in his care, they can switch. She emphasised that this is a matter of Tawakkul, and having trust in Allah’s plan with Istikhara.

It comforts me that he volunteered this information, and our discussion has been frank about it. He seems like a good person, who perhaps fell wayward in the past, but I’m nervous to marry him trusting only his word. It might be worth noting that my father is not in the picture, and this has led to incredible caution on my part, almost where I tend to overthink each proposal to saying no. In a way, the non-communication is not helping matters.

Of course, no being on this earth can tell me what the marriage will be like lol, but I would appreciate your thoughts on the above.

Alikum Salam

Best of luck for the meeting – I hope it goes well inShaAllah

The below answer is based on my personal opinion - I am not a person of knowledge and this is not a fatwa

Your mother is absolutely right. Have tawakkul in Allah and He will grant you the person that you are destined to be with and that is best for you

I would suggest not asking any potential in the future (in case it doesn’t work out with this one) about things such as whether or not he has watched porn; if the potential doesn’t answer you truly, they will be lying and if they do answer you, they are disclosing their sin; both of these actions are disliked by Allah hence its best to not put someone in such a spot. I would strongly advice against it in light of the below hadith

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “My entire nation is safe, except Al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: “O Fulan! Last night I did this and that.” He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!” [Saheeh Al-Bukhari]

Also remember that any sin someone has committed is in the past and if Allah wills, He can wipe their slate clean and grant them renewed guidance & closeness to Him. Remember the example of our beloved Umar RadiAllahuAnh who was among the sinner before He accepted islam but later on, became the man who was among those promise paradise in this world itself; Allah is the one who can turn hearts away from guidance but also towards it! Hence, personally I would steer away from judging a potential from “sins/mistakes” they have committed in the past.

Marriage is all about trust and you would anyways have to trust your potential future spouse in many regards, not only this particular situation. The reason you are all the more sensitive about it is because it is with regard to drinking. My advice would be go with the flow in this regard and for now (as you are in the very early stages of getting to know each other) take his word for it - as you get to know him more in the future, you will be in a better position to assess whether or not he is a man of his word and can be trust - just make sure to not get emotionally attached (as this will cloud your judgement).

Allah has already written the name of your spouse next to yours many thousand years before the earth was even created; there is no way that can ever change. Do you best due diligence within allowable means, do istikhara and lots of dua and ask Allah for guidance in this regard. In the end, only Allah’s will can prevail and He will grant you the absolute best inShaAllah Ameen. I wish you the best and hope and pray you are granted a spouse that becomes the means of your success in this world and the next (Ameen)

No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by the decree of Allah. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.” - Umar ibn al Khattab رضي الله عنه

[writingonesdreams]

Hello! I have perhaps a dumb question, but I'm going to ask it anyway! How are The 5th Magic, Stormkeeper, and Summer Storms connected? Are they a trilogy? Sorry if the answer is staring me in the face and I'm just...missing it, lol.

Also take this as an open invitation to just go off and ramble about anything about them, because I am deeply curious! The magic system fascinates me!! Pulsers, Aurals, different levels, it's really cool!!

Hello and haha no worries, makes sense it looks confusing😁.

They are pretty much all separate stories with the same characters. I always start with characters and I have had Acacia, Kyler and Wes for a while with some other regulars swapping here and there. It's like AUs for the characters all the time, except these three wips are large enough as projects, with snippets and finished outlines and lots of notes they could make their own books.

5th Magic was the first one and almost a year long fascination. Acacia there started as a confident rebel leader, Kyler as her enemy from the rival army and Wes as a ghostly god fascinated by humans and developing his own human form. I have immensely enjoyed writing their dynamic and change from enemies to friends as Kye and Acacia got to know each other, but I had trouble with the beginning and with writing Kyler's pov before his change.😂 There were actually 4 magic types here with a 5th one that combined the knowledge of all of them (hence the name), and gave Acacia an awesome advantage with unforeseen costs. This one also spanned the most characters, the concept of the main villain's clones as an army and a brutal tournament between them to choose the successor.

Stormkeeper has been around for a long time too and has gone through numerous versions from high fantasy with kingdoms to urban fantasy from university tournaments to supernatural agencies until school gangs. The curious thing about these changes was that no matter the setting, the character arcs and core plot points stayed pretty much the same, just the details and side characters mixed and changed. Acacia was more of a hermit in these versions, alone and wanting to be, while Wes has become a younger brother to Kyler with very rare and powerful magic that put a target on his back for other magicians. Another prominent element with Stormkeeper were the Phantoms, magical manifestations of negative emotions that hunted the mages and needed to be fought and the theme of the three various magics needing to be combined at the final to defeat them for good. Kyler and Acacia were also not open enemies, but more of colleagues working together with clashing mindsets and believes that expanded their horizons.

Summer Storms is the newest addition, that starts from a bit different concept. In a way it feels like a sequel to the others, because instead of the slow burn development of enemies to lovers between Kyler and Acacia, their relationship is established here from the beginning with the history of them hating each other. Wes here left them after an argument and Kyler not being able to accept the different magic he choose for himself. His return back and estrangement play a big role in the story. A big addition here is the character of Jonah, a recycled old version from a character from way back of my wip Where the worlds cross, who with his willpower, determination and relaxed self-aware cheerfulness makes a good foil to the overthinking and passive Acacia and Kyler's cold pride and Wes's immaturity and spoiler sheltered selfishness. This version also doesn't span whole countries and kingdoms and concentrates on the core characters the most, with emphasis on healing and hurt/comfort scenes. The magic here is also sentient, with the magic types Pulsor, Aural and Sensor being ways how to communicate and access it.

I'm glad you like the magic system!😁 I love playing with it, making up whole value systems and cultures behind them, with the different levels and costs and now even personality for the sentient magic in Summer storms. I also like it enough to mostly have carried it over in all versions, since it's too cool to pass up.😁

Thanks for the question and the opportunity to ramble 😂 one always finds some new things in talking over writing projects.

[taskfocused]

Why I love: Akaashi Keiji, The Post™

( ooc ) The most biased post about this character that you’d find, heh. Just pure rambling. Not coherent at all. In this post, I’d only point out things from the series (manga, mainly) that I just like to gush over. 

Note: (This is not the final list. I’m sure I’ll add more things when I recall/someone points something out.)

PERSONALS, DO NOT REBLOG!

You might assume he’s the quiet and reserved type, when in fact, he’s anything but that. He’s polite around most people (especially strangers), but like anyone else, he’s outspoken (not to mention blunt) towards people he knows well.

Although he’s a side character, his chapters, especially for a supporting character, give more than enough insight into his personality. Chapters 326-337 and Chapter 392 will have a permanent special place in my heart. (Hence why I only ordered HQ Vol 38 for that arc).

His relationship with Fukuroudani is so wholesome and cute help??? And they’re absolutely the best team for him to be in bar none. They’re so supportive and casual with Akaashi, and they let Akaashi be casual with them too. It helps with the camaraderie that a setter especially needs to be the proper playmaker for the team. 

Akaashi is also the vice captain aside from the setter. That’s pretty pressuring. But his team trusts him fully and he embodies these roles and does them well.

Fukuroudani can also pretty much tell when Akaashi is worried/overthinking, as Sarukui pointed out (and I will never get over that, tbh.). And the fact they trust him as their regular setter although he’s a second year? Akaashi is one who continues to underestimate his own worth/value, but his team pretty much implies through actions that he’s as much of an asset as everyone else. They compliment him too (but Akaashi is modest, lol.)

And also the fact that at first it was kind of quirky and meticulous of Akaashi to make a list of Bokuto’s weaknesses-- when in fact, the reason is to help Bokuto and make him happy since seeing Bokuto at the top of his game makes him happy as well? That. Is. So. Wholesome.

And speaking of his golden arc, the way it just portrays him as an overthinking kid who thinks he’s a star player coz he’s consistent, doesn’t make many mistakes, and as a setter-- is always in control (in which the negative side effect shows in the Mujinazaka match). But as he comes to the realization that he can’t control Bokuto and the team, insert the task focus mind set. 

And how right after that realization, Bokuto puts him into a pressuring situation where he’d want him to give his 120% because Akaashi has always been consistent where in the match he’s already giving what he can (which I assume was already 100% at the time) but Bokuto knows that he can be better and be at his best. 

And also the line, “Yeah, I didn’t go to Fukuroudani with any great purpose or goal in mind. But I’m glad I’m here.”

Okay, while we’re at it, his iconic lines that I will look forward hearing in the anime: “Right now, we are the stars /protagonists of the world.”; “--I had believed I controlled Bokuto-san. How utterly presumptuous of me.” And of course, his “HA-HA-HAs” in the match and in the 2018 timeline.

The panel about task focus that is similar to the definition of happiness. Long story short, Epictetus said: “Happiness and freedom begins with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control. And some things are not.” In which Akaashi recalled task focus as, “the final outcome of a match, decisions made by a referee, or the actions of your opponents are all things beyond one’s control. The only things you can control are your thoughts and actions.” Which is probably how Akaashi finally gained his emotional development in this arc. He’s had important realizations and he enjoys volleyball more than ever! ; - ;

HIS. SMILES. IN. THE. MUJINAZAKA. MATCH. PLS.

His panicked thoughts during the time Bokuto asked to give his 120% where he goes AAAAAAAAAA

When Akaashi is worried that Bokuto is playing too good that he’s scared about when the “dejected mode” will hit, but it turns out it was Akaashi that got into a dejected mode (best twist, ngl). Because unlike Bokuto who is outward in expressing emotions, Akaashi keeps everything bottled so that was pretty inevitable.

And when he cried over being afraid of being the reason to possibly lose the match. I’m glad he’s able to become open about it and that Fukuroudani are endeared by the sight heh heh. Not to mention Bokuto being there to cheer him up. Just wholesomeeeee.

His snark and sass only lasted until high school, probably. In the 2018 timeline, it showed in the Haikyuu-bu chapter with Udai that he’s gotten thoughtful of Udai’s feelings (although his ideas weren’t… the best lol). That, or he’s embodied professionalism in his line of work. But then, there’s also the option for editors to downright criticize the manga artist’s work. Not Akaashi, though.

His personality development feels so natural as being more open with his emotions is so essential? Hence in 2018, he’s just living the life. 

In line with his 2018 timeline self, I am just so proud of his personality development? He’s already pretty expressive in high school, but it was still rough around the edges. Like, in the few panels he was in, he wore the most precious and brightest of smiles? Something we caught a glimpse of in high school but came full circle in 2018? I will protect that smile at all costs ;;;

His little sniffle when he thought about Hinata’s growth in the 2018 timeline!! Parent Akaashi!!

His bad taste in shirts as pointed out by Bokuto (Setter Dog never forget). He also has the ability to change clothes really fast (reference to that “totally” omake).

His love for food in general and of course, don’t forget his love for onigiri in particular.

His smirks after he outplays someone too. For example during the Cats vs Owls match with Kenma with his dump. Cheeky boi.

And also his rebounds! That even impressed Bokuto that he wanted him (a first year) to teach him!

His weird ass monologues that even Coach Yamiji and Kaori went all “wth did this kid just say” “he can be a strange one sometimes too” sajhdkasd

His habit of fiddling with fingers became a staple of his too!

His earnestness and determination to also win with his team! Hence why he puts so much of the burden onto himself. He loves Fukuroudani in his own way, although everyone knows that.

Obligatory mentions of him being in Class 2-6 because that’s impressive af; that he can balance academics and sports!

Akaashi’s appearance! In middle school! Precious lil boy!!

The way he takes care of his team, especially Bokuto, even outside of the court~! (Like the time he pushed Bokuto inside after Bokuto declaring that they’re gonna win them all to avoid getting sick due to the weather, and the official art of Akaashi making sure Bokuto doesn’t get soaked by the rain). 

He also took care of Kageyama and gave him advice during training camp. I love everything about that since Kageyama usually intimidates other setters unknowingly or they’re intimidated by him. But Akaashi is just casual with Kageyama, so Kageyama pretty much became an Akaashi fanboy.

Speaking of the Akaashi fanboy, when Akaashi made a mistake, Hinata pointed out, “too low” in which Kageyama defended him immediately. It’s so sweet. 

Akaashi is helpful towards other teams too! Take the 3rd gym, even Kageyama. He’s not selfish, and just wants everyone else to grow and learn as well.

His prowess as a setter is also underrated. He’s gotten compliments from pretty much Kageyama and Kenma!

Another obligatory mention that although in the manga I wholeheartedly believe he just has average looks-- But the official anime art just makes him so pretty that I can’t argue his ethereal beauty ok.

His polite dialogue, and how he folds his hands behind his back too. And ah, the panel where he sits so properly when Konoha and Komi came to visit aaaaa he’s so cute wait

And oh, that scene where he bounces back and pretty much sends a telepathic message to Konoha-- Like, damn that impeccable teamwork ok

Like how in the light novel, he looks back into what he’s learned from high school as he gets as anxious about the manga as Udai.

How he’s so thoughtful post-cancellation news that he takes Udai out for coffee and finds a way to make Udai feel better instead of just leaving him to feel bad by himself. Also the fact that the smell of coffee calms Akaashi down aaaaa

How he tries his best although it gives off him being an “unpleasant person” to work with, and him being oblivious to it awww

[mividadelicioso]

El Ano de Treinta

First post here...in a long time anyways. If I were being honest, my last Tumblr of decades ago turned into this soft porn type feed. It’s easier to get to that place then you think lol. First it starts with beautiful things as something to choose for your feed, or clothes, and at some muddled point down the line, there are half naked peeps (amongst other things) just popping up on your feed. In any case, that’s not why I ghosted. I ghosted, because like many things, but especially my writing, I just lost the juice of any kind to use my words via ink or typing, (rather). 

So you may be wondering to yourself, or...more realistically, not be giving a shit at all, as to why I am back in this wordy black hole. Well, really, a conglomeration of things that I’ll slowly vomit out onto this virtual paper, but to nutshell it, I’m losing my mind during this quarantine...losing my fucking sanity, as I would assume, everyone else is. However, for me, it’s more than just this quarantine situation (which, by the way, is incredibly insane to think about, but I digress atm), somehow, someway, (of course in my life), all these events just happen to coincide in a very important year of my life, hence the name. I basically spoiler-ed this post for you (you’re welcome for those of you that have no patience to wait until the end). 

I never thought that the ripe old? young? age of 30 would be a big deal to me; I mean, sure, everyone makes lofty goals for that age, that I would almost dare to say, 90% of the population never accomplish, but it just never worried me that the inevitable would come. It WOULD come, like every birthday, and then it would pass, like every birthday, without cause or concern. So what happened? (You might be asking yourself, OR you MIGHT not be caring at all. I mean, who really cares about a strangers’ musings? AMIRITE?). I don’t know, dude...or dudette. The truth is, this quarantine has forced me to sit in my apartment, shut off from distraction, and has forced an OVERTHINKER and an OVERANALYZER to overthink and overanalyze. It has, shall we say, created the perfect storm for this. Of course, the usual shit bothers me about this birthday; like, I had put together a meager list of goals a long time ago, if you could call them such, and as is the purpose of a list of goals, none were accomplished. Typical? Yes. Normal? Yes. A reason to have mental moments (I will always refer to breakdowns of any kind, as ‘mental moments’)? No. And yet, here I am, friends of Tumblr, have now had a mental moment over this  seemingly significant double digit. You’re probably wondering what that list was; yes, I thought about this myself, because truth be told, this last hasn’t actually been present in my mind at all, recently (PROBABLY why nothing has really been accomplished). 

**LIST OF GOALS: 30th Birthday**

-Go to Ireland (always been a dream of mine to visit)

-Be far along in my career (this is about as fucking unspecific as it gets lol)

-Be financially stable (i.e. have savings and shit)

-Pay something towards student loan, bc them government fuckers will find you

TADA! This was my list, ladies and gents. SHOCKING, I know. The length of it...just straight obnoxious. And TBH, none have been accomplished. TECHNICALLY, the second point does not count, because I switched jobs about 4 months ago...made moves as they say. Now, were those moves, MONEY moves? No...(had to make a rap song reference, don’t hate). Please, judge, and then judge away some more. I mean, listen, I have a 401K collecting moneys SOMEWHERE, and I can always still go to Ireland later this year. The irony of THAT particular point is, that I’m on furlough with my job, and the flights have never been fucking cheaper...but I am at a point, where I am FORCED to not spend frivolously. Although I am blessed with a boyfriend, who will be mentioned in a later post, that handles most of the major finances. Not because I’ve asked, (believe me, I have fought him on this...independence and such), but he thinks it’s his duty as the dude, I guess. But still, can’t be spending money that I may need down the line, should this godawful virus continue to ravage the U.S. (STAY HOME PEOPLES. FUCKING MAKE A BLOG...like me). 

In any case, coming face to face with an un-checkmarked list is quite possibly one of the most depressing things ever. So on top of me going out of my mind, and worrying about the health of my friends and family and significant other, I am also confronting the daunting age of 30, as well as, an unrealized list of goals.

Boohoo, boohoo, right? I resonate with your unsympathetic sentiments as well, but isn’t one of the benefits of blogging on the internet, that you can throw yourself as many endless pity parties as you want and no one can say a goddamn thing. That was definitely a rhetorical question, said in the most un-grammatically correct way ever. God, I love the internet. 

I will continue to rant about this further later on, but for now, I will say, that the only resolution I have come up with for this ‘mental moment’ I had about my list of un-accomplishments, is to create...and dare I say it...A VISION BOARD. Yes. 

God. I. Said. It. A FUCKING vision board, people. I’m about to get DIY up in this bitch...cause...not like I have anything else to do, right? 

Ending this post with some photos of tonights’ dinner. My spin on fried rice w/ asparagus, carrots, and corn as the veg component and some general tso’s chicken I baked in the oven. Despite the potential health hazards food can pose, when consumed in large proportions, I do believe in food therapy, people. BELIEVEEEEE IT.  Hashtag it folks, FOODTHERAPY...unless someone created that hash already, in which I can further add that to my list of failings for my grand ano de TREINTA. 

-Foodie OUT-

P.S. Don’t go all Sherlock Holmes and stock a hoe through my food photos. KTHX. 

[t-lostinworlds]

I basically ranted and this got so long so I don’t want to bother anyone so I’m putting a cut haha

Okay, as most of you know I really do take sooooo long when updating full fics or just writing them in general and I just wanted to share my thought process on writing fics. And also this is for me to really wrap my head around it because I keep asking myself:

Why do I take so long to write?

First and Foremost, the why I can't write most times:

Sometimes I don't get inspired to write. Like I know where the fic starts and how it’s going to end and what’s going to happen but I just can’t write it into words. It’s all a movie in my head and I can’t write it sometimes.

Time. I get busy and I just don't have the time.

But when I do have the time, I get stuck and just can't seem so write anything at all. Writer’s Block is my best friend you see haha

Distractions, Laziness, Procrastination. The Big Three, put them all together and boom lol

I can't write when I'm not alone, and I’m not alone most times. Truly. When my sister or parents are around, I just can't write lol. And no I don't have my own room since me and my sister share a room. Hence why I wait till she falls asleep.

I also found that inspiration mostly strikes me after hours. Like starting midnight until the morning. And that sucks because then I have to choose between writing or sleep. And that's a hard choice since I love sleep so much haha. Like I want to write but my eyes are basically burning and then my head starts to hurt so...

But when I do write and have the drive to do so, this is why I take so long:

OVERTHINKING

Yup. I overthink like a lot. When writing full fics, I want it to be as realistic as possible so I put in the time to research and really think if this is possible in real life. I'm really having a hard time in grasping that it is fictional. And that it's my fic, I'm the writer and I can do as one pleases since I basically control that world right? But nope, I keep thinking: is this realistic enough? Is this possible in the real world? Is this believable?

I like to think that my reason is that sometimes I read a non-AU fic and then I read this part and then I go like, wait how did that happen? Why did they do that? Like it's just too confusing and sometimes even dumb in a sense like in horror movies where the main actor goes into that room when they hear something and then they get killed because they should've just left the house you know? Or like when Dora keeps asking where that fucking house is when it's literally in front of her (lol kidding I love Dora.)

And I don't want my fic to seem unrealistic in that way. Do I even make sense? 😂

For example: Words Cut Like Knives 2.

I kept thinking about how on freaking earth do I make this a good enough happy ending without having the reader be naive and dumb and just forgive Shawn just because he's, well, Shawn. So I thought so hard and long about how do I make them be together but not let it be toxic you know? Like realistically, what would be the healthiest way to approach this relationship that they still end up together.

I also spent sooooo much time thinking about Shawn's reason. On how not to make it a BS reason where in real life, you really shouldn't just forgive him since he's done an asshole move blah blah, Like i don’t want to make it seem like Shawn has an advantage just because he’s Shawn. It’s just in a sense of what would actually happen if this were in a real life situation. 

Another example: Duplicate.

I spent sooo much time thinking about a good enough reason on why management would want Peter to not exist in Shawn's life. Like I don't want it to be a half-assed reason where Shawn can realistically just say no at, or just an easy turn down in the real world you know? I want a reason that would make it hard to pass in a sense that it's close to no choice.

And then after I got that established, I then think about HOW on earth could they hide Peter when he's almost an exact replica of Shawn? Like surely people would notice that right especially when the live in the same area? When he's walking around the street and then a fan sees him and this happens or when Peter is with his mum in the grocery store blah blah or if I'm a family gathering they get photographed together and my mind goes batshit.

Hell even in the hospital scene. Since I haven't really spent that much time at hospitals, I have no clue what's in there. So I spent sooooo much time researching about what time are the visiting hours, is there a waiting chair outside the emergency room, are people even allowed in the ICU, what machines would be hooked for a person in a coma, what would put a person in a coma, what injuries would a person acquire from a car crash, what are the words to describe this and that, vital signs, TBI, would it be realistic for Shawn to live if he hit his head and the list goes on and on and on.

Like I want that when the doctor speaks to them, she really sounds like a real doctor and not just someone who says "broken bones, we don't know when he'll wake up" like, half-assed you know?

And now part 5 where Peter meets the PR girlfriend. The reason why I'm having a hard time finishing it is I keep rewriting it and thinking about ways on how not to make it obvious that it's PR if u get what I mean lol. Like what they should do for it to seem realistic, what NOT to do for people to think it's fake etc etc etc.

Like sure I can just tell myself. So what, it's your fic, you decide what happens. But I just can't. Like I don't want to spread the wrong information on stuff I know very little about you know? I want my fic to be as realistic as possible which is kinda stupid? since it is fiction

But it's just because I get scared that when people read it, they would be like: this is wrong. Why is this happening, it's not possible. This does not make any sense. This doesn't happen in real life. Etc.

See? I really do overthink a lot haha.

And also, I don't write a part of a fic just for the sake of writing it. I write a part of a fic as a build up for the future if ya get what I mean? Like I already have a clue how Duplicate ends but I want it to build up to there, not just happen quick and straight to the point. Or make it unrealistic where they fall in love two chapters in. I want each scene to have a purpose and how it helps the character grow. Basically Character Arcs in a sense.

So I spent so much time plotting what happens next and how I can connect one part to the next.

I have it all in my notes. I'd like to show you guys but I don't want to spoil hehe.

But then when I sit down and write it, it then goes back to the reasons up top that I've listed, along with a few sprinkles of overthinking haha.

Heck, even seeing the same word in one paragraph irks me. Which is soooo extra but I'm a perfectionist and ugh. It's tiring sometimes.

Like when I write:

She looked up at him with a smile, her eyes looking straight into his eyes as she nodded.

See that two 'look' and 'eyes' words? Yup. That doesn't sit well with me. I then change that to:

She looked up at him with a smile, her gaze meeting his as she hummed in agreeance with a curt nod.

Which does make it better but when I keep doing that in every single sentence or paragraph then it’s very time consuming.

I'm very extra aren't I? Haha.

And lastly,  I also don’t think I’m that great of a writer. Yup, it’s a self esteem thing but i think that’s the very reason why I overthink so much about my works. Like i want it to be good enough for myself and for the ones who will read it. As they say, You are your own toughest critic and gosh i really do take that to heat. But maybe i can gain my confidence bit by bit and I will get to the point where i won’t worry about everything too much haha.

Anyhow, If you guys can just see how chaotic this post is, then that's exactly how chaotic my mind is when writing.

I don't know why but I just wanted to share this and maybe even make myself see on what I can do to make this easier for myself hahaha.

If you've reached the end, wow I applaud you and I will love you till the day I die ❤️

Okay I'm done. Haha. Gosh, back to writing 😂

[breehunny]

We want a baby!

My husband, Cam, and I have been trying to make a baby for over one year now. I had a history of ovarian cysts so I was worried about fertility even before we started trying. I overthink things a lot and get stuck in my head, but I also love going to the doctor, so I figured why not go get checked out. My mom got pregnant with my sister and I very quickly. My sister got pregnant very quickly with all three of her kids. Other than the occasional cyst, there was no reason for me to worry. In Fall of 2017 I went to my family doctor and asked if there were any preliminary tests I should do to see if I’ll have a high risk pregnancy or have trouble getting pregnant. We did a pap smear and progesterone test and that was it. I was told my progesterone was low but aside from that everything was totally normal and we should have no issue getting pregnant. Cam and I were engaged at the time, but knew we wanted to start trying for kids pretty early on in our marriage. We started in February 2018 with the mindset of “if it happens, it happens.” We were both pretty uninformed at that point. I wasn’t really tracking ovulation or any other daily symptoms, we weren’t scheduling sex, it was literally just not using any kind of birth control method. We got eloped in April, and my next period was due at the beginning of May. I missed it! I took a pregnancy test every day from the first day of my missed period for a week….all negative. I called my OB and scheduled a blood test, there’s no way my cycle is this long, it’s been almost 40 days, I’m for sure pregnant. I was so excited. I started planning how I was going to tell Cam, my family, his family, how I was going to hide it for the next 8 weeks, everything! The blood test came back...also negative. My OB told me I was not pregnant and that since my cycles usually lasted 32-37 days this was “normal.” Turns out I just didn’t ovulate that month, my cycle lasted 58 days. That crushed me. That was not normal. While I was waiting for my next period I decided we should buckle down more. I did my research and we started trying every other day during ovulation. This new schedule threw Cam off a bit, he was under the impression that I was fertile every single day. I blame California sex ed, I had the actual sex talk with one of his friends a few months later. When Cam and I were both on the same page we both agreed we would officially start trying. I scheduled another appointment in July after I’d had another full cycle. I wanted to know what to do next. Am I just not going to ovulate regularly anymore? Are my eggs bad now? I’m only 27, why is this happening? My OB gave me a list of tests and medicines we could do before referring me to a fertility specialist. Insurance doesn’t usually cover anything with fertility and if we did everything it would cost in the thousands.I had a thyroid test, hormone tests, an ultrasound, and HCG test where they insert a dye into the uterus and see if it there are any blockages (that one hurt effing bad) all between July and January. I started Clomid in November, a hormonal pill to induce egg production. We did two rounds, with no luck. By this point I was frustrated and crying every time I got my period and it was taking a toll on our relationship. Every period felt like a loss. Between being sad a lot of the time, losing drive to help out around the house, and not talking about how I was feeling with Cam, we struggled. We had some long conversations, and what I was reading as him not caring, was him trying to be strong for both of us. We have gone to couples counseling previously so we were able to use tools from that to help us through this. I asked to be referred to a fertility clinic. My OB prescribed me one more round of clomid and sent us on our way to our local fertility clinic. Even though I had specifically asked for one more round of clomid, I didn’t end up taking it. After such a long period of time of scheduling intercourse...it was taking a negative toll on our relationship. We took a one month break from trying before seeing the specialist. Before we could go to our first appointment, Cam had to go get tested. He was bizarrely excited to go and bragged to his friends that he was going to the “spank bank.” LOL His results came back great and we were ready to get started on our fertility treatment plan. Our doctor is great, we were pretty positive about our chances of conceiving and laid out a plan for the next few months. He also explained why exactly we were having trouble...which I had never really received a clear answer from my OB so I didn’t know it was even figured out! I have PCOS which is commonly misdiagnosed as Endometriosis. I have acne, struggle with weight gain, have irregular periods, and I don’t always release fully developed eggs or an egg at all (hence 58 day cycle). My cysts were being caused by underdeveloped eggs essentially burying themselves in my ovaries. For the next 3 months I would take Femara (another fertility drug). The first month we would try on our own, the next two would be with intrauterine insemination, or IUI. The doctor seemed very confident that we would be able to conceive on the first try. We left feeling confident and with lots of fun paperwork outlining our instructions. -Take Femara as prescribed on days 3-7 of your cycle -Have intercourse on day 10 or 11 -Abstain until you see a surge on an ovulation test -Take ovulation tests days 12-15 -Have intercourse every 36 hrs once you surge - If you do not surge, call the office Romantic, right? We got to day 13 and I was getting nervous. What if we missed it? What if my surge doesn’t read? Did I do this round of Femara for nothing? Cam called the fertility clinic, they told us to go ahead and start trying every 36 hours, and continue testing. Day 16 came and I still hadn’t had a surge, I called in and they told me to come to the office that morning for an ultrasound. The tech said I had “a very good looking egg ready to release any day now.” Perfect! I went in for another progesterone test the following week and it was higher than it ever had been before! This is the month, it had to be, everything was looking good! 11 days later my period started. I was crushed again, but I didn’t cry much this time. I don’t know how to explain exactly how I felt. All I know is this meant we were done trying on our own. It was the end of the road for conceiving even a little bit naturally. We were one step closer to IVF, or surgery, or adoption. Don’t get me wrong, we’re open to all of those, and want to adopt in the future regardless. But not yet, I want this.

[letmyinsideslive]

Emotions Ain’t the God of me.

02/21/19

Do you ever just feel so lost?

Not with what you’re doing, or where you’re going or the decisions you’re making, but with how you’re feeling. With WHAT you’re feeling.

I’ve been moving through a season of life where I have been continuously tested with what I feel.

It’s unnerving.

For a girl that used to be so firm in what she believed, so firm in how she felt, and so confident in never letting anyone else waver her feelings, I have been struggling with realigning my feelings with God’s intentions… and desires.

Now, what does this mean?

I can see some of you reading the screen and just being unbelievably confused. If you’re not, good, follow along. If you are, good follow along.

Lol

Anyway… realigning my feelings with God’s intentions and desires.

What does this mean?

Well I’ll tell you what this means. This means that when you are redeemed in Christ and are growing closer to Him, the desires of your heart become the desires of God’s heart.

Wait a minute, WHAT?

Yea that’s it. You got it. My heart is a heart after God’s. (boy am I Godly or what.) el oh el.

I’m not.

I’m struggling. Like… struggling, struggling.

Like not understanding how I’m feeling but have sadness and loneliness and this deep longing for something I don’t even have but feel I do.

Feel, feel, feel.

FEEL.

Why must we have FEELINGS? Oh Lord why do you grant us a soul that has to feel?

Can’t we all just be like Spok?

Oh Spok, teach me your ways.

But seriously. Feeling SUCKS. And where do feelings come from?

Emotions.

Yup, I said it. I said the E-word.

There is a song I listened to recently that has really changed my entire perspective on feelings and emotions. After a good month of not understanding what I was going through, trying to cope and trying to understand just exactly what was happening within me, in my spirit, this powerful being that I just couldn’t seem to get control of, I heard this song. And nearly cried.

It goes like this,

“I don’t trust the way I feel.

Emotion ain’t the god of me, the god of me.

What I have with You (God) is real

Yea this is what I know:

Faith ain’t a feeling”

Can we just take a moment? Can we just take A MOMENT?

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

CAN I??

(If you aren’t saying Amen, I’m judging.) ((kidding))

Let’s discuss. What are feelings? What are emotions?

Emotions seem to be an immediate response to situations, experiences, or events we as humans experience. Feelings seem to be the accumulation of our beliefs based upon those emotions.

Elaborate Bronwyn!

Alrighty then.

Emotions = my dog died, so now, I am filled with sadness. An immediate emotional response.

Feelings = I am just going to dwell, stay sad and sit in my sadness until another puppy comes along. (Instead of grieving for my time and then focusing on the beautiful friendship Benji and I had for 8 lucky years and moving on with my life in a healthy manner.)

Do you see the difference?

Emotion = sadness

Feelings = Depression

That last example is going to tick some people off.

I understand that depression is a disease, don’t get me wrong. Been there, done that. But I am sober of depression now. When you are living in sin, depression will grasp you and cling you until you can no longer breathe. I’m being serious. If you are lost in sin and struggling with depression, it is going to be impossible to breathe without identifying yourself in depression first.

It is serious.

But I want to just paint a picture for you the distinction between emotion and feelings.

Emotions are natural, God-given, immediate responses.

Feelings are a self-inflicted dwelling.

Most of the time, feelings are our excuse to elongate, overexpose and exaggerate an emotion.

So, where am I going with this?

Well, we’re getting there.

So emotion and feelings, they’re different and both hard to decipher, but how do we?

Well, I’ll tell you, Sally, what a great question.

How to handle these things.

Emotions = you feel it, and it hits you like a truck. Go to prayer and read the word. Spend time with Jesus. Our Heavenly Father is our protector, our husband, our comforter and friend. When we are overwhelmed with emotions… guess what! You can go to God with those emotions! Crazy right? That we always have someone to talk to and vent to?

This is lesson #1.

Never listen to the lies from the enemy when he says “don’t go to God about this, it’s not that big of a deal.”

THIS IS A LIE.

Your emotions are a big deal. Hence why they lead to feelings, and feelings lead to hurt and dwelling and a whole bunch of mistakes we wish we NEVER made.

Emotions are important, valid, and should be consoled with God. Always.

Feeling = when you feel yourself constantly focusing on emotions you felt when something happened a day, two days, a week or even a month ago… Girl, go to GOD. This is when you begin to pray for this issue particularly. Like, if you’re thinking about one certain thing, over and over and over again… you gotta issue.

If you notice that during the day you’ve thought about this person 37 times… you’ve got an issue.

If you realize that you can’t stop thinking about that thing that happened Saturday night and you felt crappy afterword and every time you think about it, you feel that crappiness deep down in your stomach. You got an issue.

This is lesson #2

It’s easy to ignore God’s consolation in the Emotion Stage but it’s very hard for us to dig ourselves out of the Feeling Pit.

What do I mean by this?

Remember when I said ignore the enemy when he tells you “don’t go to God about this, it’s not a big deal!”

This typically happens in the emotion stage. Our spirits flair up, we have hot burning emotion inside of us that is fresh and spreading like fire. We don’t know how to react.

God whispers to us “Come to me, I will give you peace and comfort.”

The enemy comes and says “Don’t go to God! It’s not that big of a deal! This will pass! Just feel it and move on!”

It is easy for us to listen to the devil and “move on.”

Then we progress to the Feelings Pit.

This is a deep, dark, endless pit where we feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel.

When every thought is laced and drowning in overwhelming emotions we cannot identify. When our spirits feel heavy and we cannot have a healthy train of thought. When we feel like we are drowning and cannot comprehend the idea of hope.

This is the hard part.

This is after we have already let the devil in. We have already believed his lies.

God is always forgiving; His arms are always open.

But when we have chosen to do wrong, it is harder for us to let go and run to Him.

Even when Adam and Eve sinned, they hid from God.

HID FROM HIM.

Our best friend, comforter, God Almighty who loves us more than ANYONE. Who wants us to be the best versions of ourselves laced in love and compassion, and they hid.

The truth is, we all hide when we sin. But the freedom in Christ is knowing there is no use, no reason, and no need to hide.

Once we sin, we have the option to RUN TO CHRIST.

He will forgive us and redeem us. Lift us higher and show us His truth.

In the Feelings Pit, we must put our foot down to feelings and the devil and turn to Christ.

Lesson #1 and #2 are both to pray and to run to God. Call upon Jesus’ name. Call Him into your spirit and ask Him to fight of the enemy attacking you.

He will. He will do exactly that.

It is biblical, it is fact.

The enemy will always lie to us. The devil is a liar, he does not speak truth… EVER.

We must keep this in mind when we hear his lies in our ears.

He divides and destroys.

Our Heavenly Father unites and conquers.

So, this is what I’ve been struggling with.

What I have just written has not always been none to me. If I’m being honest, I just now realized this as I was writing it.

I have been dwelling, thinking, and overthinking.

Something I realized today in my prayer journal is that overthinking is of the devil.

There is absolutely no reason or need to overthink as a believer and follower of Christ. We know God is sovereign, we know He has won, His plan is finished, and He is an all-good God. So why do we overthink? Why do we worry? Why do we put the pressure on ourselves to know answers that we have NO WAY OF KNOWING?? Why do we DO THESE THINGS?

Because the enemy wants to divide and destroy.

Divide us from Christ. And Destroy our faith in Him.

Before I go, there is also Godly Feeling.

The Lord can be pressing on your heart, molding you, trying to tell you something or changing the will of your heart.

This is Godly Feeling.

This is when you constantly feel something within you, that you know is supernatural and for the bettering of your relationship with God.

This happens to a lot of us. This is when God is pulling us closer to Him. We know when this is happening. A lot of times, we ignore it, sometimes, we listen and obey.

When I said God whispers to us “Come to me, I will comfort you and give you peace.”

This is Godly Feeling.

Feeling is not always a bad thing, but it’s about deciphering which is which, and choosing Jesus when we know He is speaking to us.

The Lord is setting me free. Day-by-day. And it is an endless journey. I feel Him in my spirit, I feel Him in every action I do. I know He is moving. And it is frustrating because my flesh is still there. I still feel my flesh.

These old habits are hard to break.

These old chains are hard to break.

Jesus come break these chains and old habits. Jesus come set me free in your hope and truth. I pray when those dark feelings come, I run to You. I turn to comfort in You. And hope in You. I pray that You soften my heart and destroy my pride. That You make me humble, and meek. And give Me the wisdom and discernment to understand My emotions and feelings, so that I can turn to You and run closer to you. Chose You as my comforter, friend and Father.

Thank you, Jesus.

Amen.

PostScript.

I do not understand what I feel a lot of the times because I have struggled with depression, self-loathing, and overthinking. All of these are of the devil and corrupt our version of truth. My heart has been transformed by Christ so many times, I feel so distant from my old self. But sometimes, I will feel something deep inside of me that makes me feel like that old person again. This is the enemy.

I have been praying and denying God and reading His word and then telling God to “shut up” for such a long time. Because I truly just do not understand what I’m feeling, and I’m so frustrated I don’t even want to run to God.

But He is the answer. If we humble ourselves and truly look up to Him for answers, He will give them to us.

It’s very hard to do, but once you do it, it gets easier and easier.

Trusting Him is not a one-time decision that makes everything better.

It is a continuous choice that will forever change your life with every choice that you make to trust Him.

I encourage you all to go get a Bible and start reading it. Start praying and looking at your life in a different light.

I am praying that I decipher my feelings and emotions and understand what is from God and what is my flesh. Praying I run to Him with ALL that I feel and ALL that confuses me. For He will make it clear, and He will guide my path.

xx

[my-dear-my-love-my-best]

vent :( - negative thoughts

i’m going to see her on monday. i’m scared. really scared. i feel like panicking. once again i started to worry and overthink.

i rarely stalk her social media, but today i just saw a post from students’ day (yes, a long time ago lol) and AAA it made me feel so dirty ?? she wrote something like “happy students’ day to all my little ones, you will always be my children :)”.

i don’t want to be little. i don’t want to be a child. NO :( but sadly that’s all i am for her; a student, a girl, a teenager. not someone worthy of being loved.

i want to be loved by her. i want to hold her hand and make her happy every day. i also want to hear her deepest fears and i want to hug her on her worst days. just that, i want to love her... but i guess it’s too much to ask for.

god, when she finds out about my feelings she’s going to be REVOLTED. she will be DISGUSTED. she will think the worst of me. nonoono, she prolly sees me as something innocent, as a student who loves their career, hence the love for their teacher.

i mean, perhaps she loves me, but it’s not the same “love” as i feel.

i’m reading other students’ replies to her posts and i feel filthy. “you look gorgeous” “you’re an amazing teacher” “the best one” “i miss you a lot”, words that i would NEVER dare to tell her because my meaning is different. i’m not like them, instead i’m a disgusting girl who fantasizes about kissing someone twice their age.

i never curse but FUCK. sometimes i hate this feeling to the point i think i’m not ok. it’s devastating and even worse when you don’t have anyone who can listen to you in real life.

god i’m so sorry...

i feel SO dirty

dear Lavender, i’m so sorry

one day you’ll know, that’s why i’m sorry

sorry if i ever made you feel uncomfortable

oh, Lavender. i love you and i’m so sorry for that.

i... i’m just sorry.