#hope you have a great day and a year full of happiness and good health ^^ <3

[booskwan]

vernon (and dk) day throughout the years for @bandzboy - wishing you a very happy birthday!<3

[pinksugardollz]

Self Care Guide For Bad Mental Health Days

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♡ let yourself cry! feeling sad when you have bpd can feel like the world is ending, but it isn’t. feeling sad is normal, and it’s completely okay. don’t demonise your emotions. let it out

♡ cuddle with your pets! cats are absolutely amazing for this, dogs too. lil furry babies make me so happy and cheer me up so much when im feeling low

♡ take as many naps as you need without guilt. rest rest rest, even on your good days! stop overworking yourself

♡ shower, you don’t have to do your full routine, just make sure you wash yourself then apply your favourite lotion and sweet scented perfume

♡ cosy up and watch something that makes you happy. nostalgic tv shows are great, on my bad days i really love watching spongebob bratz or strawberry shortcake

♡ invest in a 2L water bottle and keep it by your bed for those low motivation days

♡ light your favourite bakery scented candle, sweet scents always uplift my mood

♡ do not isolate yourself, try to keep in contact with friends or family

♡ eat some chocolate or chips, whatever your favourite comfort food is. your happiness is more important than your diet

♡ if you’re struggling to get out of bed, try keeping everything you need on your bedside table so you can still do your skincare routines and take your daily vitamins from your bed

♡ run a nice relaxing bubble bath!!!

♡ put on some cosy pjs & grab a pink fluffy blanket and snuggle on the sofa instead of staying in bed all day

♡ set rules for yourself, write some things you that want to achieve in a day. such as keeping your skin moisturised, shower twice a day, drink enough water, getting out of bed. anything that applies to you. self care can become confusing and daunting, so write everything down to remind yourself to look after and cherish yourself

♡ make sure you’re eating enough. even if you’re not feeling hungry, if you don’t have the energy to cook, order takeout! it’s ok to eat takeout sometimes, just not all of the time as junk food can be highly addictive, and obviously isn’t very good for you

♡ try writing down your thoughts and feelings. i love journaling and covering the pages with pink stickers and making it look all pretty, it’s so therapeutic

♡ reach out to a mental health professional if things get too bad. this may feel hard, but if you need help desperately pls get it

♡ acknowledge that what you’re feeling is just temporary, whatever you’re feeling won’t last forever

♡ make sure you’re getting enough sleep. whenever i didn’t get enough sleep in the past, i would sometimes start seeing and hearing things, and would become very paranoid and disassociated, which is obviously not what anyone wants. so pls pls pls make sure you’re prioritising your sleep

♡ treat yourself, buy something pink and pretty just because you can

♡ take a day or 2 off work (if allowed)

tiny disclaimer: these tips may seem obvious to those of you without serious mental health problems, and they may be things you do everyday but when someone with mental health problems is in a really bad place, they can sometimes forget how to look after themselves properly, or in my case a few years ago i would just stop caring about myself. i love all of my pretty sugar dollies so much, look after yourselves and i really hope some of these tips help you 🎀🦢

[darknight3904]

Hi! I don’t know if you take requests but I had an idea for one if you do? Aemond X reader where Aegon insults reader infront of Aemond and he stands up for reader because he has feelings for them

Thank you for the request! I hope you enjoy this one. I tried to make Aegon as gross as possible.

Reader is from House Stark in this but feel free to imagine it differently if you so choose.

Warnings: Aegon Targaryen

Insults

Aegon had never been Aemond's favorite sibling. If he had to choose, that position would've gone to Daeron who had been off in Oldtown for years now. After all, the best sibling is one that just simply doesn't bother others. Of course, Heleana was nice too, she was quiet usually in her own head. Aemond never minded sitting in silence with her while she poured over her needle work and he a good book. All he knew was that Aegon was his least favorite sibling, that was for sure.

You had been an unexpected variable in Aemond's life. His betrothal to you was unexpected and initially not welcome. Aemond hadn't been interested in marrying so young, let alone to some northern girl he'd never met. He knew what Starks were, they were stubborn and annoying, much like that Direwolf they so proudly wore. He found the sigil to be rather boring compared to his families, a dragon would always be the more impressive sigil.

He had kept his negative thoughts his entire flight to Winterfell. Vhagar had let out multiple grumbles of disapproval as the temperature dropped, she seemed to dislike snow as much as he did. His negative thoughts hung over him like a cloud as he stood in Winterfell's Great Hall. Cregan Stark had treated him with kindness and said his cousin was a "Winter Beauty." Aemond found himself rather uninterested until supper that night. In his mind what good was beauty if a person lacked brains. Aegon was proof of that. Silver hair and violet eyes only got his brother so far.

"My Prince, I hope your flight to Winterfell was easy."

Your first words to him had him entranced. He was not to be married to you for another three years yet he found himself petitioning your father to take you back to Kings Landing. A guest of the King, after all he wanted to get to know you better.

Your father had relented after you had begged him to go to the capital. Aemond had a feeling you were entranced by his looks, he could not blame you though, Targaryens were closer to gods rather than men.

He spent many moons by your side, laughing and reading. Your favorite spot turned out to be the Godswood where he ended up spending countless hours threading his thin fingers through your hair. As the days passed and bled together, Aemond found himself more and more wrapped around your finger. His eye sought you out at every formal feast his father threw, hoping you'd honor him with a dance instead of sitting beside his sister or pushing the food on your plate around.

Aemond believed every man was entitled to enjoy his nameday, that is why he was doing this. He wanted his older brother to be happy, that is why he is sitting at a huge table, piled with food for Aegon and his friends rather than at the library with you. It is for Aegon, is what his mind chants as his brother and the rest of their party become drunker as the night wears on. The feast his father had thrown was still in full swing as Aegon downed his seventh cup of wine. His father and mother departed the party early, King Viserys health was troublesome.

"Little brother, you seem rather drawn tonight," Aegon says, suddenly pointing the conversation to Aemond despite ignoring him all night.

He turns his gaze to his brother who is practically drowning in the pitcher of wine before him

"I have other matters to attend to. I don't wish to drink myself into stupor, brother." Aemond says

"Oh yes, right." Aegon smiles, " Are those other matters the Stark girl here? She does not matter. Marriage is so...droll. I only visit Heleana when I am drunk."

"I do not plan to be like that to Lady Stark," Aemond says looking at you, your mouth is pressed into a firm line and your brows furr in displeasure

Aegon lets out a mocking laugh and takes another sip of his drink. Aemond watches as his brother's hand snakes its way back to his cup.

"Why ever not? She's nothing but a walking womb for you brother, a place to carry on the Targaryen line while securing a good relationship with that Cregan fellow."

Aegon's drunken laughter fills Aemond's ears while his mind fills with rage. How dare he? He glances at you who shoots him a look of "Stay put, he's drunk,".

Aemond slams his own cup down on the table. The drink he has been nursing all night splashes out and onto the wood below. His brother's laughs fall silent as Aemond approaches him. Aegon lets out a small hiccup when his Aemond lowers himself so he's level with his pig-headed brother.

Aemond takes his brother's shirt in his hands. The material is soft in his fingers, only the best for a Targaryen Prince. He leans in so he's close enough to smell the drunkenness on his older brother's breath.

"You will never speak another word of her, do you understand?" He says, his voice dangerously low.

Aegon's friends have fallen silent as they watch the two princes stare at each other. Aegon is standing on the tips of his toes as Aemond lifts him so they're closer to eye level.

"Why? She is nothing to us. We are dragons." Aegon lets out another drunk giggle, "She is nothing but a whore."

Aemond cannot control himself anymore, red flashes before his remaining eye as he takes his arms and slams his much weaker older brother face-first into the table. He uses one arm to hold Aegon's head against the wood and the other to pull Aegon's left arm up behind his back, pinning him down.

"Aemond!"

Your voice falls on deaf ears as Aegon struggles below him. It feels good to do this to him, he has poked and teased Aemond for so many years. Aemond might've been able to let it go but bringing his betrothed, whom he had just recently come to accept his feelings for, into their feud was unacceptable.

"Prince Aemond, let him go!" A guard yells as they run towards them.

The party has fallen into a lull as the guests turn to see the two Princes fighting.

"All eyes are on us, brother," Aemond says, leaning down to speak directly into Aegon's ear

"Let me go." Aegon demands, trying to push himself up

"If you ever insult her again, I'll feed you to Vhagar."

"You wouldn't," Aegon says, still struggling under Aemond's arms

"I would. I'd even laugh when your eyes melt from their sockets as you scream for our mother." Aemond pulls his thin dagger from its sheath that stays strapped around him at all times "Do not insult her, ever."

Aegon's eyes widen when Aemond lets the dagger rest on his cheek.

"Fine! Let me up!"

Aemond relents and unhands him. The guards relax when they see Aegon unharmed.

"What are you doing?"

You are at his side immediately, grabbing his arm, ready to scold him for his actions.

"Defending your honor, my love." Aemond smiles "No one, not even my brother, will insult you when I am here."

Requests are open, you can place them in my inbox or message directly.

Main Masterlist

Want more of my writings for Aemond? Check out my Aemond series The Race.

[rogersideup]

｡°✩ ♊︎ The Gemini♊︎ ✩ °｡

Chapter 9

Star Crossed Lover

Series Masterlist

Previous Part: True Romantic Next Part: May 20th

Word Count: 10,607 (I am SO sorry lol)

Warnings: My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of violence, blood, and injury. Allusions and discussion of suicide attempts. Please proceed with caution and and good judgment for your own personal mental health 💞

The drive to your team welcoming at the winery made 45 minutes of highway feel simultaneously far too long yet excruciatingly short.

After what happened in the corridor, you really didn't have much to say. The only words really spoken between you and Steve was you thanking him for getting the car door for you, then him insisting that you played your music.

After a few minutes on the road, Steve stole a few quick glances at you to try and gauge how you were really feeling, but your head was leaned all the way back against the headrest, and your eyes were always either closed or staring absentmindedly on the scenery around you.

He took no offense, in fact, he was glad that you were calm at the very least. Deep down he knew you were always feeling at least a little worse- if not a lot worse than you expressed to anyone. But like always, there was a time and place to address issues. Pulling into a parking spot at the winery and putting his car into park was not the time, nor the place.

Taking a quick peek through his rearview mirror, he could see a few special guests had already arrived, and he could only hope it would help ease the distress you never deserved to have inflicted on you.

Steve turned to you with an empathetic grin tugging at the corners of his lips. "Last chance to run away?"

You turned your head to look at him with a lazy smile, and an unexpected giggle. "I can't run in these shoes."

"If it gets too overwhelming, you know I'll be here. Just tell me, I'll sneak you away for a bit of fresh air." He reminded you.

"You're making me feel like I'm about to be eaten alive" You raised your eyebrow.

Steve shook his head. "No, you're not. I've been on this team for so many years I stopped counting and even I still get overwhelmed by all of them sometimes. Things like this can be a lot even on a perfectly good day."

"I'm guessing I'll relax after a glass of wine or two" You reassured him and yourself. "It'll be like nothing ever happened, nobody even has to know."

That sent red flags raising high in Steve's head. Now he knew for sure you were in worse shape than you were letting on.

"Bug," Steve shot you a serious glare. "You can be sad, it's okay to be sad."

"I'll be sad later." You surrendered. "Right now I'm so happy and honored to be part of such a welcoming and supportive team. We're all going to have a wonderful night, and everything is going to be fine."

"Promise me right now that after this is over you'll cut the bullshit and stop telling me you're fine." Steve held out his pinky to you. All you did was narrow your eyes at him, you knew he could read you like a book far below his intelligence level, and it was equal parts endearing and frustrating. "We both know that's a lie, and we both know there's no reason for you to have to go through any of this alone anymore. We both know this is the beginning of the end of all of your suffering, and should it get worse before it gets better, you have a whole team of people who want to help you and be there for you."

"Fine." With an internal defeat, you wrapped your pinky around his. "I'll be sad later, but only if you get me a glass of wine while I socialize so I don't seem like a bitch for booking it to the bar."

"Great" Steve smiled, shaking your intertwined pinky fingers, locking in the deal. "Pleasure doing business with you."

"This is the worst deal ever." You shook your head with a smile on your face while reaching for the car door handle.

An immediate gasp full of personal offense left Steve faster than you anticipated, and you got ready for the fight you two had nearly every time you got into a car together. "Do not reach for that car door ma'am."

"Twinkles, I have two fully functioning arms and legs. I can open my own car door." You made the same argument you've made a million times before.

"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should." Steve shook his head at you, his face full of disappointment. "Stay right there before I put the child safety lock on the passenger side of the door."

"Logistically, it'll take more time for you to get out, walk around, open my door, wait for me to get out, then close my door than if I were to just get out on my own." You laughed.

“Yeah well, logistically, this reoccurring argument takes a lot of time as well yet you always seem to want to spark it." Steve spoke as he got out of the car, his door closing behind him. Very quickly making his way to you, he opened your door and offered you his arm to help you out. "See, didn't take that long. Look, this is an unpaved parking lot and you're wearing a pretty high heel which means you could've tripped and fallen and broken an ankle, and it would've been all my fault."

"How could you possibly sleep at night?!" You agreed sarcastically as you got out of the car, and he closed the door behind you.

"I never do." Steve noted. "This is why I have insomnia."

"Too many women and too many unpaved parking lots in this world." You agreed, walking with him towards the entrance. "We really need to contact someone about this."

It didn't take long to enter the beautiful outdoor space that was far too big to be reserved just for the team. You immediately felt like you were the main character of a hallmark movie, strings of twinkling lights shined above your head, the grounds were well maintained, full of plants, tables, and even a dreamy gazebo that was also illuminated by strings of lights.

There were candles lit along pathways and atop the standing tables, booths open that served food, and no less than 20 different wine options, and a whole bunch of friendly faces that all started clapping and cheering when you walked in.

Definitely not expecting that much immediate   attention, your cheeks widened into a smile and deepened in color before your hands moved up to hide your face. It only took a few moments before you were brave enough to peak through your fingers to recognize faces you didn't quite expect to be there.

All you expected were the avengers that lived in the compound or near by, but to see faces like Thor, Clint, and even that Spider-Kid who definitely was not 21 and was out passed his bedtime was a pleasant surprise.

Another pleasant surprise was the sweet faces of your mom and dad, sister and brother in law, and a handful of your friends from back home.

Your hands dropped from your face and showed off your full toothy smile and pink cheeks that Steve loved so much it made his heart skip a beat.

It nearly dropped out of his chest and deep into his stomach when you turned to him. "Did you invite them?"

"Of course I did" Steve nodded with a cheeky smile. "I wanted you to feel more comfortable, and you deserve to be celebrated by your family too, not just ours."

Much like earlier in the day when he gave you the suit, your arms flew around him fast and tight. It was shorter this time due to the audience, but Steve still loved it nonetheless. "Thank you so much, you're so sweet."

"You're very welcome" Steve smiled. "I'll go get us some wine like I promised, but I do feel like I need to say hello to your family first considering I've been texting them to arrange this. But I'll be quick!"

"I have so many questions" You raised your eyebrow at him.

"Save them for later!" Steve told you while walking straight towards your parents.

With full trust that nothing chaotic would happen in that interaction, you scanned faces once more and realized Bucky and Nat were missing. You knew why, but it made your happy mood deflate again until Thor was the first of the bunch to walk up and introduce himself.

You made your way through Bruce, Carol, and even said hi to Maria Hill regardless of the fact that you worked with her many times before.

Steve did make it to you with a glass of wine in each of his hands between your interactions with people. "Here you go, Bugs. Not quite sure what this wine is but I told the nice girl at the bar you liked white wine so she poured you her favorite."

"You're the best." Your cheers your glass against his.

"Ugh, I know right?" He agreed sarcastically, drinking down a grin with a sip of red.

Your quick interaction with Steve made your family approach you to celebrate, but he definitely wanted you to have your time alone with them so he slipped away just as fast as he came.

Lots of hugs, lots of chatting, then lots of them pushing you away to go hang out with the Avengers.

Somewhere between Peter Parker and more time with Sam, a quick scan of the crowd had you realizing that now the Avengers were co-mingling with your family and friends. Oh, and Bucky and Natasha finally got there 45 minutes into the actual event.

Lost in conversation with Scott Lang about the most recent episode of that one sitcom he so happened to bring up, a pair of forearms wrapped around you from behind.

You pretty much expected it to be anybody but Natasha, but you were pleasantly surprised that she was already so comfortable with you. "Sorry we're late, but Rogers' mess is cleaned up and you'll never see it again. Also, you look hot in that dress."

There was no chance to thank her or apologize for the mess as she quickly galavanted off into the crowd.

Scott was pulled away from you about 10 minutes later, and your glass became empty of wine. Feeling mildly confident at this point that you had at least introduced yourself and greeted everyone there, you felt comfortable enough to go get a refill on your own.

Another heavy pour and you were back out. Conversation flowed a lot easier than expected between the groups you found yourself in. There was always something to talk about, laughter was a common occurrence, but somehow the mess in the corridor kept seeping into your mind no matter how hard you tried to push it down.

Eventually Bucky found his way to you, and somehow the comfort of one of your best friends helped quiet down all of the unnecessary noise in your brain.

In true Bucky fashion, he approached with plenty of food in hand. Setting a full wood fire pizza on the table, he pushed the whole tray towards you.

"You haven't been eating enough for someone at an event with free food" He noted.

"Hello to you too" You grinned, taking down another big gulp of wine.

"Steve told me you were worried about me." Bucky's face softened.

"I'm always worried about you, that's what friends are for." You agreed with Steve's statement.

"You know what that agent said about me tonight is nothing but water off a ducks back." He reassured you. "But what he said about you is what bothered me. That is what I take personally, and that's what I can't let anyone get away with."

You sighed. "What did you do, Buck?"

"Nat fired him, we both got him on some gnarly lists to ensure he's going to have a hard time finding another job." He explained. "I think Steve did enough damage that the dumbass will probably never reproduce, which is probably a blessing to the next generation. We didn't help him up though, he can figure that out himself."

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?"

"If it was up to me. I wouldn't have left it at just his balls, but I digress" Bucky shrugged. "I'm really happy you're back, Buggy. I've been smiling all day knowing you're here."

"Well for what's it's worth, I'm sorry people have been saying rude things about you because of me, and I'm happy to be here to hopefully get back on the right foot. I missed you and Steve a lot these past couple of months."

"It's not your fault, so I'm not accepting that apology." Bucky denied. "But I will accept a hug because I missed you too."

"Tough crowd." You grinned before wrapping your arms around him and leaving them there for a while.

Then, he started whispering in your ear. "This was a trap I just wanted to gossip in peace"

You let out an uncontrollable laugh, starting to feel the effects the wine had on you. "What's up? What's the gossip?" You tried to whisper back but it was a little hard to get the words quietly past your smile.

"Has Steve kissed you yet?" Bucky asked in a dramatic whisper.

“No, I don't think he ever will." You denied. "But I just got back last night, give him some grace."

"I don't think he will either. He's really scared of you." He agreed with you. "Do you need me to yell at him for that? Or I can just kind've shove your faces together when I find the opportunity?"

He pulled another laugh from you. "No, it's okay. He's scared, he needs to go at his own pace."

"Have you admitted to yourself that you like him yet?"

"Unfortunately you knew that before I did, but yes, and I told him that too."

"Good, good." Bucky started to pull away from the hug, but your wrapped your arms tighter around him.

"Tell me about you and Nat now" You trapped him.

"Well I'm not a scaredy cat like Steve is so... Girlfriend."

You gasped with a smile and pulled back to observe his face. But it was obvious he wasn't lying to you, so you lit up once more. "I'm so happy for you!"

Raising your hand up for a high five, Bucky hit his metal palm against your hand.

From across the winery and under the gazebo, Steve watched this whole interaction between you and Bucky. He was pleasantly surprised when jealousy never rushed through his veins watching the two of you hug.

Thats when Steve realized how secure he felt with you now. He understood now more than ever that you and Bucky were purely platonic, and it was evident in the way you two looked at and touched each other. In fact, he even felt a sense of warmth and happiness watching you two have a secretive conversation that wasn't so slick. Maybe it would've been a little more discreet had you been a bit more sober, but he found it endearing nonetheless. He found himself feeling hopeful that soon enough the three of you really could smooth over the damage and go back to hanging out together, a notion that once felt impossible.

He was even happier when he saw the both of you take a slice of pizza, cheers, then eat together.

After that, he stopped watching. He was so content knowing that Bucky was keeping an eye on you. Maybe that's where he overestimated his false sense of security, because along with the pizza, Bucky brought you another glass of wine which only meant you were feeling sillier and more socially confident by the second.

At some point Steve fell deep into conversation with your dad, they were getting along so well, in fact, he hadn't even noticed that he spent about a whole hour and a half alone under the fairy light illuminated gazebo with him. They also didn't notice that you were getting along with the team so well it's like you were always part of the little family to begin with.

He didn't catch you and your sister flipping each other off from across the venue as often as you could, he didn't see the way you and Peter made a secret handshake, or even when you exchanged phone numbers with Bruce. He missed Sam making you laugh so hard you nearly peed your pants, then you, Nat, and Wanda disappearing to the bathroom for a solid ten minutes then coming back with your lipstick magically perfect again.

He also missed your fourth glass of wine.

But that was pretty obvious when you walked out of the bathroom and into the social event, scanning the intimate crowd to try and spot anyone to engage in conversation.

Thats when you noticed your mom batting her eyelashes and giggling in a one on one conversation with Tony, while your dad was batting his eyelashes and giggling under the gazebo with Steve.

A bit wobbly on your feet, you walked over to them and held onto the wooden entrance as you stepped up. Both of their attention was drawn to you from their spot on a bench.

You squinted your eyes at your dad. "Hello, Father."

"Daughter" He raised an eyebrow at you.

Steve didn't know where this interaction was about to go, so he observed carefully. 

"Steve, is this strange man bothering you?" You asked him.

Steve laughed as your dad reached over to you and flicked the side of your head, you remained unfazed. "Not in the slightest."

"She's drunk" Your dad told Steve while covering your ears.

"I'm not drunk, I'm silly and perhaps a bit goofy, but I am not drunk." You grabbed your dad's wrists and pulled his hands off your ears. "My sobriety should be the least of your concerns at the moment."

"Why is that?" Your dad asked.

"Tony Stark is flirting with your wife." You pointed to your mom and Tony.

Steve followed your pointed finger and saw that you were actually right, and that made him laugh. "That's really concerning."

Your dad sighed. "So what? I have to fight Iron Man now? You chose to be a superhero and now I have to fight Iron Man for your own Mother?"

"Get used to it." You stuck your tongue out at him.

He stuck his tongue out right back at you before turning to Steve. "Please excuse me, I need to rescue my wife."

"By all means" Steve agreed.

When your dad walked off and you were alone with Steve, you sat down right next to him and pulled his arm around your shoulders before you closed your eyes and rested your head on him.

You didn't see his smile as he pulled you as close as he could and rubbed the top of your arm. "How are you doing?"

"Cold, tired, feet hurt." You mumbled. "Drunk"

"I thought you said you weren't drunk?" Steve quipped happily.

“Well, you're not my dad so you get to know the truth." You snuggled into him. "More truth, you smell really nice, and I just need to sit here for a little while."

A giggle escaped Steve from your confessions. "Are you having fun?"

"More fun than I thought" You nodded. "I'm so warm and fuzzy inside. It's been so long since I've felt happy like this."

That wiped the smile clean off of Steve's face. "I'm so happy that you're happy. It'll keep getting better, I'll make sure of it."

"I wish it could just be like this all the time." The feelings you never talk about spilling out of your mouth. "Life could be so good, and I really love it sometimes. I just don't know how to not take what other people do to me personally. You and Bucky are so good at that."

"You're good at everything you do, and life is about to get so much better for you, sweet girl. I promise."

"I'm trying really hard to believe you." You smiled. "I probably sound sad, but I'm happy right now. 'M always happy when I'm with you."

"You can stay with me however long you want, I'm happy with you too." He squeezed your shoulder.

"How did you guys plan such an elaborate event when nobody even knew if I would agree to be an avenger or if I would even be back at the compound today?" You asked.

"We used magic and our intuition" He said with a smile.

"You are so magical" Your alcohol influenced mind marveled. "And who in my family have you been communicating with because that's so magical"

"Your sister and your mom" Steve giggled at your question. "Your family is very nice and really fun to be around."

"Did my dad tell you embarrassing stories about me?"

"Surprisingly, no he didn't."

"Good, good. Let's keep it that way."

Closing your eyes, you let the wine and Steve's body heat relax all your muscles and wash the tension away. Unsure of how long you had actually been there, there was a point in which you could feel Steve shift to look at an approaching person.

An uncontrollable laugh escaped your intoxicated mind as whoever Steve was looking at sat on the other side of you and snuggled into your body the same way you were snuggled up to Steve, but for some reason you still didn't want to open your eyes.

"Wow, this is lovely" The voice said. It sounded like Sam, but you couldn't be too sure.

"Hey, I want in on this too" Sounded loudly from far away. Footsteps came running, and Maria plopped onto Sam's lap sideways. She kicked her legs over your and Steve's laps.

Slowly but surely, more Avengers, family and friends ended up under the gazebo with you and Steve. The cuddle pile grew with Scott and Nat, and lasted longer than it probably should've.

You were fed enough food by pretty much everyone while you all drunkenly told stories and laughed so hard that your stomach hurt that you eventually sobered up.

Once you were sober again, you realized just how fast time had flown by and were sad to hug your parents goodbye. You're pretty sure your mom hugged and your dad fist-bumped nearly every single person at the event, but that was neither here nor there.

Eventually everyone said goodbye, and by the time you got back into Steve's car it was already almost midnight. And by the time you got home and into Steve's bed, all of your energy was more than depleted. Social battery was in the negative, but you felt like you had been plugged into a high speed charger when he got under the covers next to you.

"How are you feeling?" That seemed to be everyone's favorite question to ask you.

"I kind've feel like you right now" With your eyes closed, your laid on your back with one arm above your head and the other resting over your hoodie on top of your belly.

Steve giggled "what is that supposed to mean?"

"I feel like I'm going to throw up."

"Any particular reason why?"

"I ate too much, drank too much wine. I'm bloated but happy so it's a small price to pay." You explained.

"Well if you're going to throw up, aim in that direction" Steve smiled and pointed in the opposite direction of himself. "Are you still drunk? Do you need some water?"

"No I'm not, I'm okay" Your smile barely ghosted your lips. "Just need some sleep."

Steve reached over and pulled some blankets over your frame before poking your cheek. "Remember what you promised me earlier?"

Your eyes opened to look at him. "I feel better, really. I do."

Steve sighed. "You don't even want to talk about it?"

"What is there to say?" You questioned. "All the same shit, different day. There's nothing I can do about that anymore."

"When this all first started, you were getting sent to my office nearly every day for fighting back, but tonight you kind've froze up. Why?"

"I wasn't expecting anyone to do that to me when I was with you." You answered. "But it's done now, it's fine."

"We both know it's not done" Steve's face softened. "And avoiding it doesn't make it go away."

"Would you like me to rewind time and kick him in the balls instead?"

"No, I just want you to know you can talk to me." Steve emphasized.

"I'm pissed off." You admitted. "I'm always in a state of being angry that this is the environment that I have to learn to thrive in every day, but I've also reached a state of emotional exhaustion that makes me feel like I have no room left to be even more angry than I already am. I've hit max capacity, so I'm choosing to stay as calm as I can because out of all the kicks and punches I've thrown, none of them have worked before. I have no reason to believe it'll work now."

“It's not fair." Steve huffed like kid.

"It never has been." You agreed with a shrug. "But you don't need to hold onto that anger for me. I'm trying to let go of it and move on."

"I'll let go of my anger in the form of making change." Steve told you, now feeling brave enough to pull you close to him.

You snuggled up close, your head on his bicep and your arm holding him gently. "I'm an avenger now. That's all the change I know how to make at the moment."

"I'm so proud of you" he practically whispered. "But I've never met anyone like you before."

"You really need to work on providing context before sentences that might hurt my feelings"

Steve chuckled at your bluntness. "You're telling me that you're happy, but you're also telling me that you're sad. Both of those statements feel genuine, so I don't really know where your mind is."

"Well then imagine how complex and confusing it is to be me" You emphasized. "Never in my whole life have I felt more alone while also feeling more loved than ever. I'm happy and sad, I just accomplished something most people never will by becoming an avenger yet I've also never felt more like a loser. This is the first time I've ever been relentlessly bullied but it's also the first time I've ever been a superhero so I guess the juxtaposition of my emotions is just turning my brain into scrambled eggs."

"Have you tried compartmentalization?" Steve offered with a grain of salt.

"I tried that once, I think I created too many emotional categories and got overwhelmed." You smiled. "But I'm a Gemini, so these complexities have been written in the stars for me since the moment I was brought onto the earth. I think I was born for the very purpose of the universe testing to see if overwhelming contradictory emotions could physically kill a human being."

"One of my greater purposes in life is to protect people against the things that could kill them, so you're in good hands right now." Steve slowly rubbed your back. "Overwhelm will not be your cause of death. Actually, nothing will be. I'm trying to convince Banner to make clones of us to be kept in cryofreeze that way when we die of old age, new versions of us can just be thawed out so we can be best friends forever."

"Spoken like a true cancer" You laughed, patting his chest. "Did I uphold my end of the promise?"

"We can call it even, but I'll always be concerned"

"Even Stevens!" You sleepily enthused.

"Are you rhyming or was that a reference to something?" You could hear his amusement.

"Both, you're a little too old to understand that one."

"That's really rude" Steve faked offense.

"Thanks for coming to my rescue, Twinkles. I know you think you didn't do much, but it means a lot to me when I know I have someone on my team."

"I'll always be on your team, you've always been worth the fight." Steve reminded you.

Those words comforted you enough to ignore your very full stomach and fall into a deep sleep in the hold of your favorite soldier's big protective arms. Unfortunately the universe loved to hate you, because you only got your share of the superhero until about 4am when his phone started ringing effectively waking both of you up.

A few curse words slipped out of his mouth in complaint before he reached for his phone and answered it. You didn't pay much attention to the phone call itself, but you did find it within your lack of  consciousness to move nearly your entire body onto his in attempt to keep him forever. Snuggling into him belly to belly, his hand found the back of your head and played with your hair as you slipped in and out of sleep.

By the time the phone call ended, you had effectively caged him between the mattress and your body. Realizing what you had done, Steve's cheeks burned as he let out a sigh.

"You can't go." You sleepily mumbled.

"You and I both know I don't really have any say in that." Steve reminded you apologetically.

"Says who? We all have free will."

"Unfortunately, the president of the United States. Apparently he requested to meet me for an urgent conversation about something that's happening somewhere." Steve explained.

"Damnit." You yawned. "I think the president has me beat in importance."

"I think the two of you are pretty equal in importance." Steve pondered. "The only difference is that people might die if I don't get out of bed."

"My soul will die if you get up, but it's fine, I understand." You joked dramatically.

"You're making it very hard for me" Steve complained, wrapping his arms around your back and squeezing you gently.

"If you're hard that's all the more reason to stay in bed." You joked, knowing damn well Steve wouldn't take a naughty joke like that very well.

And you were right, because the gasp that left his mouth was immediate and visceral. You didn't need to look at his face to know his cheeks were flushed pink and red hot. Your laugh was also pretty immediate and visceral as he used his body to flip you over onto the bed and propped himself up on his arm to lean over you. Pointing a finger at you like a dog, he had one word to say. "Bad!"

You laughed even harder as he shook his head at you. "I'm going to get up and get ready to meet the president, you stay here and think about what you just said."

Laying in bed alone, Steve eventually came to say goodbye to you. It was always sad to let each other go, but also an often occurrence. But this time he was hesitant to leave, of course you both knew why. Last night wouldn't be a one time event, but he encouraged you to stay close to Bucky, Nat and Sam as often as you could, and emphasized that there would be no timeline to his departure so he didn't know when he would be back. He also made it clear that should you need to defend yourself, you should do so with no hesitation.

Luckily, all was pretty smooth for a while. Your friendship with Nat bloomed faster than you'd ever expect it would, so for the first week Steve was gone the two of you were practically attached at the hip. Nat and Bucky spent a whole day helping you move from your old apartment up into the Avengers sector. Though it felt a bit pointless moving within the same building, the team felt better about keeping a protective eye on you when you weren't floors away from them. It was a nice change of pace to have a sense of community around you again.

The second week that Steve was gone, you tried to focus on building individual friendships with the team members outside of your little social circle. Your therapist also encouraged you to try and be brave enough to walk through the compound with a confident attitude so nobody would fuck with you, so you tried a few times on your own, a few times were nothing more than anxiety inducing, and a few times got you confronted with hostility which lead to 3 more agents getting fired by Natasha.

By the third week you finally got a phone call from Steve. It was nice to hear his voice and catch up and hear about what he had been up to for all this time, and it was especially nice to hear that he was wrapping up his work and he would be home soon. That same day you got to visit Jane and Luca over lunch at one of your favorite restaurants, then they helped you pick out a few new things for your new apartment.

Most kids acted as if a home store was cruel and unusual, but Luca was very opinionated about rugs and throw pillows. He even convinced you to get a new pair of sneakers at the clothing store he wanted to go to across the street from the compound.

Lots of therapy, lots of solo workouts, lots of team building, you were starting to feel mentally and physically stronger.

Strong enough to keep walking alone, and pushing forward no matter how hard it was.

When Steve landed on the runway after 3 whole weeks and a handful of days of being gone, he was so relieved to be back home. Without even making it off the jet he was already fantasizing about shaving the beard he unintentionally grew after forgetting his razor at home, a long shower and a long nap since it was only early in the afternoon and definitely not bedtime yet.

His fantasies continued as he stepped off the jet and into the building. Now he knew he wanted to see you before he knocked out for that nap he desperately needed. There would be some snacks at some point, and definitely no pants after the got out of the shower.

The sound of his boots on the sleek floor actually brought him joy knowing each step was one closer to you.

Like most fantasies, what he hoped and dreamed of was far from reality. Especially when a loud alarm sounded in the sector of the compound he was headed towards.

Stopping in his tracks and cringing at the sound, he waited for the code and location to be called out before springing into action. It could've been as simple as a knocked over vial in the lab, or complex as an invasion of an enemy. But when the code called out for aggressive physical conflict in the gym, Steve's heart sank and he started running as fast as he could.

He didn't want to believe it was you, but he couldn't be naive either. His racing heart and even faster legs carried him there faster than anyone else could. As he entered the doorway into the compound gym, he could hear the footsteps of a few sets of feet trailing behind him, but waiting for others arrival wouldn't slow him down.

Especially not when he entered the gym and it was completely empty besides two people, his heart sank even further when he recognized it was you, and the number on the back of the uniform of the other person was 212. Harvey.

No less than a billion racing thoughts came sped through Steve's mind, and none of the billion came together to form any good ideas. He swore all he saw was a blinding white and all he heard was his own heart beat in his ears as he sprinted through the equipment to get to where the altercation was happening.

The two of you looked like a cartoon before he went into fully protective mode. As he weaved through punching bags and stair climbers, he couldn't pick out where your body started and Harvey's ended. There might as well have been a big dust cloud around you, with puffs of air pluming out.

The consequences of putting himself in the middle of a fight wasn't even a thought in Steve's mind as he jumped over a treadmill and wrapped his arms around your waist from behind and tried to pull you backwards, far away from Harvey.

Unfortunately, you were a little too preoccupied trying to save your own life to notice the alarm was sounding or that anyone was coming to save you, let alone Steve who you didn't even know was home yet. Assuming it was another attacker, one of Harvey's buddies helping him take you down, you forcefully thrashed and kicked yourself out of the Steve's grip. Adrenaline clouded your judgement, flight was nowhere to be seen as fight took over your every thought, you turned around and swung your fist right at him to earn yourself more time to knock Harvey down. You know you made pretty harsh contact considering there was a shooting pain buzzing through your knuckles, but at this point there was pain jolting through nearly every part of your body, so this wasn't going to slow you down.

Still not realizing what you had done, you watched Natasha sprint into the room and full body tackle Harvey to the ground, followed by a few other commanding officers, Sam, and Bucky. Trusting their ability to deal with Harvey and not let him touch you again, you turned back around to deal with whoever else was.

Fist balled, ready for a second swing, you looked up at the targets face, and devastation immediately took over the whole of your emotions. Steve blocked your punch and caught your wrist mid swing.

"Hey hey hey, it's me. It's just me" Steve frantically tried to get you to stop.

"Oh my god" You whispered to yourself as you realized you punched Steve right on his cheekbone, hard enough a bruise was already forming.

He watched you come to the realization of what you had done, your wrist was shaking in his hand, even more so as he loosened his grip and gently placed your arm down to your side.

You looked battered and bruised, but when he looked back at Harvey, it was clear that you had won this fight.

Looking at your wide eyes, he could tell you were in shock, and coming down from the copious amount of adrenaline coursing through your veins. He knew all too well what that felt like. Guilt, shame, the full effects of pain from the injuries sustained, the tremors and how weak your knees and thighs would get. He's been in your position far too many times before, he knew it was the worst feeling in the world.

Especially when your cheek was oozing blood, your arms were scraped up and bruised. Steve could tell the fight started with an unfair advantage.

Then, tears started pooling in your eyes as you looked at Steve's face and you opened your mouth but no words would come out.

"It's okay." Steve told you, very slowly reaching out to put his hands on your shoulders trying to snap your brain out of fight mode. "You're okay."

A tear fell down your cheek and your eyebrows furrowed before you muttered a quiet. "I'm so sorry."

"You didn't know" Steve shook his head. "You were just trying to protect yourself. You're okay, buggy."

You looked over your shoulder and saw Harvey on the ground. His face was a lot bloodier than yours. With eyes swollen shut and his nose definitely not in its usual form, you felt like a monster.

A sob escaped your throat, and your shaky hand flew up to cover your mouth before your eyes squeezed shut. "What did I do?"

"Everything is going to be fine." Steve reminded you, pulling your attention back to him.

His bruised face only made your sobs escape faster and your heart pound even faster. "I'm so sorry, Steve, I-I didn't mean to. I didn't know it was you."

"I know you didn't, you didn't even know I was home." Steve reasoned with you. "It's okay, just take some deep breaths for me."

You shook your head, still panting from the physical exertion. "I can't."

"You can't?" He questioned.

"I have to go." You took a big step backwards, Steve's arms fell back to his sides.

More concern than Steve ever thought was humanly possible took over his mind. "Where do you need to go?"

"I don't know." You sobbed. "I just need to go. I'm sorry"

Another two scared steps backwards, then you bolted out of the gym. Steve started making strides towards you, fully prepared to follow you but Sam approached him and stuck his arm out.

"You have to let her go on her own." Hand flat to Steve's chest, he stopped him. "She needs time to calm down and come to terms with what just happened. Trust that if she needs something, she will call you."

Steve's shoulders deflated. He wanted to go help, convince you to see a medic and have an emergency meeting with your therapist, but he also knew Sam was probably right.

With a big deep breath, Steve assessed the state of the gym. Realizing one of the treadmills was still on and going, he reached over the machine to stop it. Then a few commands slipped through his mouth while trying to organize his own brain.

He needed the security camera footage of the incident, he needed the alarm to stop, he needed a lab clean up crew to get rid of all the blood on the gym floor, and he needed Harvey handcuffed to the hospital bed he was bound to end up in. He was too tired to do any of that on his own, but luckily others were eager to get this taken care of too.

Just as he was no longer needed, Bucky approached and squeezed his shoulder.

"What's that thing on your face?" Bucky's nose scrunched up.

"She got me on accid-"

"I'm not talking about the bruise. I didn't even know you were capable of growing a beard" Bucky commented.

Narrowing his eyes, Steve glared at Bucky. "I forgot my razor."

"Respectfully," Bucky stated looking him up and down. "You look like shit, Pal."

"Thanks, Buck." Steve sarcastically smiled. He knew he looked disheveled and tired.

"Really, I think 66 more years of sleep would look good on you." He backhandedly tapped Steve's chest. "Go take a nap."

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep after she ran off like that." Steve sighed.

"We'll take care of her." Bucky reassured him. "We can always wake you up if need be, but her and Nat have grown really close. She has a lot of people in her court."

After about 10 more minutes of arguing with Bucky, he decided to just let him win under the conditions that he would keep him updated when he found out any new information.

Steve showered, shaved, and put on sweatpants and a shirt before getting into bed. He didn't want to wear pants, but he did it for your sake, just in case you came to find him. Realizing it had been about an hour since the incident, he tried calling you just to see if you would pick up, but he wasn't shocked when you didn't. So he sent you a text letting you know he was here for you when you were ready, then tried his hardest to get his mind to calm down enough to fall asleep.

It took an unfortunately short amount of time, as the second he laid down sleep hit him harder than your fist against his face, and he knocked out for so long that he woke up to the sound of his phone ringing, and it was now pitched black in his bedroom.

"Hello?" Steve mumbled into his phone.

"Jesus Christ, good morning sleeping beauty." Bucky said.

"Weren't you the one who told me to get some sleep?" Steve poked.

"Not important, glad you're back from the dead. I have some updates for you. Are you awake enough to process the words I'm speaking to you"

“I will be once I'm filled with rage over this situation again. What's up?"

"The security footage was recovered and I finally got to see it. It's enough evidence to land Harvey in jail for assault, so that's what Natasha is currently perusing."

Steve sat up in bed and reached for the lamp on the bedside table, blinking his eyes to adjust as it clicked on. "What happened?"

"She was alone in the gym, running on the treadmill and minding her own business. 212 saw her in there on her own, snuck in through the back door and yanked her off the treadmill. Her foot slipped off the end of the machine so he pushed her forward and scraped her face and arms against the moving belt, which is why she was bleeding. He was screaming some things at her but none of it is very clear. He tried kicking her a few times but she was able to get up and try to push him off of her, he persisted and she got fed up after he managed to get a swing at her collar bone and kicked her chin. She just... started swinging at him and didn't stop until you and Nat got them away from each other." Bucky explained.

"If this video can get him in jail, that would be great. But it can't be used if it's incriminating against her. We can't have that happen." Steve sighed.

"If anything, it's proof of self defense. You know Nat would never let anything bad happen to her. None of us would." Bucky reminded Steve. "It looked really painful on her end though. She ended up going to medical, but they released her a couple hours ago. JARVIS is telling me she's hanging out on the roof."

"Think I should go up there?" Steve asked, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, already knowing the answer.

"Well I don't necessarily think she should be alone for much longer."

"I'll talk to you later then."

The call ended and Steve stood in front of the mirror to fix his hair, while trying his hardest to ignore how tender and swollen his cheek was now. Before making it up to the private roof access, Bucky sent him the video and it took everything out of him to not kill Harvey with his own two hands. But a deep breathing exercise helped him regulate his anger again.

When he got up there and made it to the top, he saw you laying beneath the stars on a blanket with your headphones on, quietly crying to yourself and hoping that the moon understood your pain.

You noticed Steve immediately, and took your headphones off before sitting up as he quietly sat down next you. Trying your hardest to be brave, your lip wobbled trying to contain the new wave of emotion you felt. No words needed to be exchanged as you gently reached up and cupped his bruised cheek into your palm. There was a physical pain blossoming in your chest as he wrapped you up into his arms, but butterflies fluttered in his stomach as you let one of your arms keep him close, and your hand stayed over his cheek.

You cried tucked into his neck for a little while as he rubbed your back and simply let you feel your feelings. After a little while he heard your small broken voice.

"I'm so sorry." You apologized again, bravely pulling away and moving your hand to inspect the damage you did to his face. "Are you okay? Does it hurt?"

"It's okay, Bugs. I'm fine. It was a dumb move on my part to grab you like that, if I was you I would've punched me too." Steve responded sincerely, taking in the burn-like scabs on your face down near your jaw. "Are you okay?"

"Could've been a lot worse." You nodded with a sniffle, really trying to convince yourself that you were okay. "I don't remember what happened, it all happened so fast I can't even recall specifics. I got scared and didn't want to hurt anyone else so I ran. I'm still trying to come down from that."

"I saw footage from the security camera, it wasn't good, Bug." Steve broke the news to you softly. "You did what you needed to do, and it was all within reason. There mere fact that you walked away with a few scrapes and bruises is a miracle."

"Did he sneak up on me?" You asked, Steve simply nodded in return with a sympathetic look on his face. "That's what I thought must've happened, that's also probably why I punched you so hard."

"If you need to see the video to help you process, I'll show it to you. But right now, I think it's best to just try and wind down."

In agreement, you made yourself comfortable next to Steve. You sat sideways nearly on his lap, with your legs thrown over his. His arm pulled you into his torso, and you rested your head onto your shoulder. Steve noticed your tiny winces as you adjusted to the new found pain and soreness in your body, but he tried his best to avoid all the spots he knew were injured.

“You saw a doctor right? Is everything okay?" He questioned, genuinely concerned.

You nodded. "Everything is pretty surface level, but apparently being slammed onto some heady gym equipment can bruise a rib."

"Bruised ribs are so painful" Steve's face scrunched up. "You're one tough cookie."

"I'm sorry this is what you came home to after being away for so long."

Steve was looking at you, admiring the way you looked under the moonlight, yet you couldn't keep your eyes off the stars. "I wish you didn't feel the need to apologize for things that aren't your fault."

"I'm working on that, and I don't anymore for most people. But for you? A million apologies wouldn't be enough. You're too sweet for this kind of nonsense."

"You are too, but out of all people you should know that I understand." Steve stressed. "In a lot of ways, we're very similar, Bug. I know what it feels like to be in the position you're in right now. You don't need to explain anything or apologize to me. I get it."

You tried to understand his words, but you really didn't. For a moment, you almost got upset with him for implying that anyone would treat him the way you've been treated around the compound. Steve was one of the most respected people in the world, you could barely earn the respect of a new hire agent. "I don't see anyone rushing to try and physically harm you for going on a run." You wiped tears from under your eyes.

"No, maybe not here." Steve agreed with you. "But way back when I first got the serum, I struggled really hard to earn respect from anyone around me."

"I have to admit, it's hard to imagine anyone disrespecting you."

Steve grinned and carefully brushed a few stray strands of hair away from your eyes. "I went from a 90 pound asthmatic who didn't have the strength to complete one push up to a human science experiment. I proved myself the very moment after I got the serum and it still wasn't enough for a lot of people. Thats why I was paraded around on that USO tour for so long, nobody thought I could handle fighting a war."

"You looked really cute in those booty shorts" you sniffled.

Steve chuckled at your statement. "Stop making me laugh when I'm trying to teach you a valuable lesson."

"I'd rather jump off this roof than not make you laugh" you smiled despite the contradictory tears.

"The point of this conversation is actually to make sure you don't jump off the roof." Steve informed you.

Your eyes moved from the stars to his eyes, they were both as equally beautiful and bright. "Is that what you're worried about? I would never-"

"Quite honestly, yeah, I am." He cautiously continued with a slight nod. "We see a more on a daily basis than anyone should see in their whole life, that alone is grounds for struggle but when you factor in everything else, I don't think that concern is far off."

Your tears fell faster at his statement. As a sad sob slipped past your throat and your eyes found the sky once more, Steve's heart broke knowing he hit the nail on the head. He also knew you wouldn't open up if you felt defensive about it, so he needed to take the scenic route to get you there.

"What's your favorite part about the stars?" Steve asked. "You seem to love looking at the sky when you're sad."

"Looking for constellations helps me stay calm and get out of my head" You explain with a sniffle. "They're hard to see in the city but it's better here upstate."

Steve looked up. "It's amazing to me that you can find constellations. All I see is each individual star."

You pointed at the brightest light. "That's Saturn, and these stars right below it make up the Aquarius constellation."

"It's crazy that the universe is so vast."

"That's another reason why I like the stars so much. With so much happening out there, it's a good reminder that everything down here is so tiny and insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe. Sometimes that makes me feel like I can keep going strong, like one day none of this will even matter."

"You really believe in astrology? I go back and forth. The stars are so far away, I struggle to understand how they can control so much of who we are." Steve pondered.

"I do believe in it." You nodded. "The moon controls our oceans, the tide is physical proof. Our bodies are made up of 60% water, and all of the other elements we're made up of were formed in the stars over the course of billions of years. It's hard for me to believe they don't have a say in what's going on down here."

"I've never thought of it that way." Steve grinned. "It's really magical when you put it like that."

"Maybe you're made up of more stardust than the average human considering your eyes seem to twinkle like they're already up in space." You noted. "It's magical, but it's also equally devastating to feel like the bad parts of your life are written into the stars."

"We need the not so great stuff to help us understand how amazing the good stuff is. Can't see the stars if the sun is out." For some reason, his perspective brought you comfort. It felt like the hug he kept you wrapped up in. "Maybe that's always why I've thought so highly of you. Despite the darkness you've continued to show excellence, and shine brighter than the rest."

"Then maybe I'm a supernova because sometimes I really do feel like I'm going to explode." You giggled at your own realization.

"Even then you'd still shine a million times brighter than the sun!" Steve enthused, big smile on his face. "But don't explode, black holes are terrifying."

"I won't. That's why I came up here. Avengers only access, don't have to worry about anybody else or the damn sprinklers."

"When I was in the Army, drawing was my version of looking at the stars. It was the only way I could really get my mind to quiet down." Steve explained. "Back then, I was miserable. All the army men hated me, I had recently lost my mom, and I thought I killed Bucky. The war was so horrific I didn't think I'd ever be able to recover from what I had to do or what I had to see, and I felt even worse for the innocent lives taken in the whole ordeal. So, when I knew that I could end it... I did."

"You're a hero because of it." You agreed, feeling a bit confused by his words.

"No, you don't understand." Steve denied. "The plane crash that got me stuck in the ice? I could've gotten out. There was a chance for me to jump out of the plane, but I didn't. I didn't see the point."

Your heart sank at the implication of what he was confessing to you, and all it wanted to make you do is just hold him tight and weep forever. But you knew that wasn't the point, you knew you just needed to keep listening.

"I can't say that I regret it, because had that never happened I would've never gotten to enjoy living a life I never imagined, and I would've never met you, or the Avengers." He explained. "But it made my life far more complicated, and at least once a day I imagine what my life would've been like had I just gotten myself to safety, and that imagining- the 'what's ifs?' is something I'd never wish upon anyone. I do know how you feel, and much like you know the moon controls the ocean, I know things will get better. All you need to do is believe it."

Your eyes momentarily squeezed shut to rid them of the tears blurring your vision. They dripped down your cheeks as you shook your head, and his brave vulnerability made you realize that you always loved him, but in this moment you had fully and irrevocably had fallen for him. It was as if there was no more questions in your mind, you couldn't even understand anymore why you hadn't been with him way before this whole mess. It consumed every single one of your emotions, you simply couldn't ignore it anymore.

"I would never, Rogers, never." You confirmed with a cry. "I can't lie, I've been pushed to thinking about it, but it made me realize that I couldn't do that to you, my parents, Luca. Nobody. I love you so much, and I really hate to hear that, but I'm really glad you're here."

"Maybe this is what was written in the stars." Steve reached his hand up and used his thumb to gently swipe tears off your cheeks. "Maybe all of this was meant to happen so that this moment, right now could teach you that no matter what happens, you'll always have people to catch you at the bottom should you feel like you have nowhere else to go."

"Or maybe the lesson is that the idea of our existences happening at the same time is so unlikely that we have no choice but to listen to the universe." You said quietly, almost coming to that realization in real time. "Maybe you were always meant to be mine."

Steve's heart nearly pounded out of his chest as you spoke those words, then, as you looked up at him and closed the distance between your lips, he felt like a supernova too. He was burning hotter and brighter than ever before when your soft lips connected to his, his chest was mere seconds away from exploding when you pulled away to examine his shocked face.

Trying to process what had just happened, the sound of your giggles at his twinkling eyes and blushed cheeks grounded him and pulled him right back down to earth.

"Wait hold on..." Steve clutched his chest.

"Are you going to throw up?" You asked, wiping the last of your tears off your face as your smile took over.

"I think I need to sit down." He stated, finally making eye contact with you.

Your laugh boomed once again. "You're already sitting!"

"Okay, then I need to lay down." He said, readjusting to lay down on your blanket.

Your smile persisted as you laid down next to him. Shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm, your hands intertwined. "This is better than you throwing up."

"Wait..." Steve spoke, looking up at the moon.

You turned your head to look at him. "What?"

"Again" He insisted, turning his head towards you too.

It took a lot of effort to contain your smile enough to kiss him, but you did, and it felt just as right as the first time. Keeping it short and sweet, it didn't take long for Steve to point to the stars.

"I like these bitches, they're being very nice to me right now" He smiled.

Admitting to how hard you laughed at his statement would simply be too embarrassing, but it was hard enough to yell at him for further irritating your bruised rib. "Now you can't get mad at me for calling you Twinkles."

"You can call me whatever you want, Love Bug."

Butterflies in your stomach erupted in flutters at his choice of nickname. "A cancer and a Gemini, who would've thought?"

Steve shrugged. "It works."

"What now?" You asked with a sigh, you didn't know if you were asking Steve or the stars.

"You fight your ass off in a trial against Harvey, you help us out in an investigation on him and everyone that's been tormenting you, you continue doing what you're amazing at, and you keep that beautiful smile on your face because all of this is about to change." Steve explained. "This was the fuel we needed to start a fire around the compound. It's enough to light the whole place up and change the status quo. By the end of it, it's going to improve the lives of every agent in the program, that's my vow to you."

All his words sounded appealing and genuine enough to believe them.

"Pinky promise?" You raised your pinky on the hand that wasn't already holding his.

"Pinky promise" He connected his pinky with yours, then kissed the back of his hand... then your forehead... then your lips.

He knew confidently, now more than ever, that his love for you transcended time and space. The laws of life, love, nature, and even the stars never applied to the connection you two shared.

Maybe it was fate, or maybe it was coincidence that the boy born in 1918 had a chance to fall so deeply in love with a girl who didn't live in the same era as him.

Or maybe everything did happen for a reason. Maybe your life was already mapped out in the stars, and all you had to do was find the right constellations.

You would always have infinite questions about the intricacies of the universe, but out of all the answers you are confident in, you knew two things for certain.

Steve was your North Star. So long as you had him to guide you, you always knew you'd be on the correct path. You'd always get where you needed to go, and he would always be there for you regardless of what season of life you were in.

He was your star crossed lover.

Next Part: May 20th

Taglist: @saranghaey @firephotogrl74 @selella @talesofadragon @ss28 @nekoannie-chan @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @spikeluv84 @crazyunsexycool @callmissrogers @xxxalicerogersxx @whore-for-chris-evans @em8rin @mulbsstuff @qalijahbydior @awkotaco24 @buckybarnessimpp @nicoline1998enilocin @buckystevelove @rogersbarber @mybuck @dbnightingale24 @ynstark @sincerelytlh @alexakeyloveloki @mrsevans90 @smhnxdiii @claralovescaptainamerica @hisredheadedgoddess28 @bigtreefest @whiskeytangofoxtrot555

[kimmiessimmies]

Make this night count...

"Look at all the colours! Isn't it pretty, James?"

"Very. The view is great from up here."

"It was a good idea to book this room for tonight."

"I'm full of good ideas."

"We have made things difficult for her this year, haven't we, James?"

"For whom, lovely?"

"Our author. This. Us. It was never part of her plan, was it?"

"No, but, haven't we also made things great for her?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Well, we've made things great for us, either way, Sade."

"Cheers to that, lovely."

"Sade..."

"Hmm...?"

"You wouldn't let me kiss you under the mistletoe because of where it might lead, but... since we're here now... Will you let me kiss you for New Year's?"

"Umm... No, I don't think so...

"Oh... Sorry..."

"I'm not going to let you kiss me for New Year's, James, because I'm going to kiss you first."

"Wha..."

"Happy New Year, you."

"Happy New Year, my girl..."

......

....

...

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think she'll let us be together in the new year?"

"We'll have to see, love... Let's make this night count while we're here..."

My dear followers,

This year has been very... intense... for me. I already wrote a long post about my mental health struggles, which put a huge stamp on my year. However, 2023 will also forever be the year I went back to my Sims, back to my stories, and back to Tumblr.

I spent five years away. Both because real life took over and because I had gotten into a rut with my Sims and the story. I never forgot them, though, and never stopped loving them. And suddenly, somewhere in February, it clicked. Everything fell into place, and I knew where I wanted to go with it all. In fact, it was this boy up here, my dearest James, who pulled me back. His story was suddenly clear as day to me. But how to begin? So, in March, I decided to just start writing. Then, I dusted off my game, found that all shortcuts and cheats were apparently in my muscle memory, and started shooting pictures to go with what I had written. And once I got going, I didn't stop. Everything I wrote in 2023 (and that's a lot!) even if it seemed unrelated, was geared towards James's story and the big moment that still lies ahead. However... As I've emphasised several times by now, I didn't account for this girl... So now it's like James said, "We'll have to see."

Coming back to my story brought me so much this year; I went from gameplay-based to story-based and found out how much I truly LOVE writing and how much it helps me, especially now that I'm going through rough times. Encouraged and inspired by someone dear to me, my story gained a title and came to Tumblr in full. I learnt to not only accept the benefits of poses, but how incredibly enhancing they can be to bring my ideas to life when used right. I reconnected with old contacts and made new connections too, some of whom proved to be true friends outside of this Tumblr/Sims world too. I've loved getting caught up on the stories I used to follow and discovering new ones. I've been amazed at how good CC has become in five years and pleasantly surprised to see there's still a good crowd playing TS3 in addition to the great things some of you are doing with TS4. All of this has been bright spots in my darkness.

And now we're entering 2024. I hope it will be light and bright for all of us. May the good days outnumber the bad ones and may we continue to feel the joy these little pixel-people bring us. Happy New Year to you and yours.

Much love. ❤️

-Kim

P.s. I know, I know; Some of you are now very disappointed you didn't get to see James and Sadie "making the night count." Just for all of you filthy animals I have one more post in this non-canon series set to go. Be forewarned; this one is very NSFW (And Not Suitable To View At New Year's Parties With Lots Of People Around) and will be labelled mature. I also have a sneaking suspicion it'll take Tumblr about 3 seconds to take it down, so I have an alternative post with Pillowfort link waiting in the wings. Going live as the the New Year hits where I am, at midnight GMT+1. See them making the night count by clicking here!

[darkanddirtyknb]

Personal Update

Hello, my beautiful like-minded creatures in the flesh,

It’s been a while since I gave an update, and I thought one was long overdue. If I’m wrong about this and you don’t care to read about my personal life (I really don’t blame you), please go on about your day. I hope it’s a great one! If you are interested, I will clue you into what’s been happening.

As usual, I have already had many medical appointments this year and many more to come. I had a procedure done on my right shoulder last month (happy July, by the way!) to see if we can get a steroid concoction to help me. If it doesn’t (it’s been touch and go so far), I will need to have a different, more painful procedure done. I’m still playing around with medication, trying new things, getting new side effects, and finding out that my body is pretty much anti-all pills. It’s super frustrating, to be honest. I’m all for being clean, and I think that less is usually best, but in my case, I’m getting no relief anywhere. I’m not sleeping. The brain fog is worse than ever, my memory is awful, joint pain, neuropathy, and muscle fatigue are worse, etc… All in all, the physical stuff is different in a few ways, but pretty much the same.

However, I’ve been in a down spell with my mental health. The depression lately has been impressive, really. I work hard daily to stay positive and keep my head above water, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t back-breaking work. That alone makes it hard to be productive, but I’m forcing myself to do things—it’s unfortunate because writing hasn’t been one of them. I want to, and the urge is there, but my memory and ability to form sentences are making it extremely hard, and writing seems impossible right now. Even writing this has been a journey and not a good one. Very bad, in fact. Think boggy marsh full of mosquitoes, mud-filled shoes, and sweltering, humid heat. I’m working hard to get out of the swamp and onto a tropical island, but until then, this is where I’m at—overrun by anxiety, depression, and medical hang-ups. I’m working with my therapist, though. Soon, I will be starting EMDR. That should be fun. I’ve been touching on a lot of trauma lately, so hopefully unlocking all of it and putting it in the right place will help me move forward.

There’s more, but I think you’re all smart cookies, and you got the gist of things. This update has become long enough. I hope that you’re all doing well by staying happy, healthy, and living life to its fullest! I mean that. Truly. I care about all of you, even if we don’t talk much or at all in some cases.

Take care and be safe. The world is as terrifying as it is beautiful right now.

With all my love, Kai (your local disturbed homo)

[stormdragon23]

Shadows of a Mother is finally updated

After like. Half a year. Sorry

Full chapter below:

“Oh, you bought fried chicken?” Jin-Ah asked excitedly after seeing her mom enter the apartment with the familiar restaurant bag. “Did something good happen? You always say that it’s not healthy to eat fried food.”

Kyung-Hye smiled as she closed the door and took off her shoes. “Well, it’s been a while since we’ve had it, and you’ve been working hard in school.”

As Kyung-Hye was getting older and wasn’t that physically strong, she kept an eye on her health, though she didn’t have to do so as much anymore. She stayed fit from the System due to the daily quests that forced her to exercise. The quest reward from the double dungeon that made her “immune to any abnormalities in her status” was also helpful in preventing her from getting ill or suffering from anything that would harm her body.

After concluding that the reward made her immune to poisonous substances, Kyung-Hye ingested the Kasaka’s venom gland she had, and it neutralized the side effect the venom would have had on her muscles. 

“How have your classes been lately? Are you having any trouble?” Kyung-Hye asked as they began to eat.

Kyung-Hye couldn’t afford tutoring for Jin-Ah like most students in her class, but Jin-Ah started working harder in school to become a doctor ever since her brother fell under Eternal Sleep. While her kids had moments of bickering as siblings, they genuinely cared about each other, and it hurt Kyung-Hye to see how Jin-Ah looked at her brother when they visited him at the hospital.

“School’s been good,” Jin-Ah answered as she took a bite of chicken. “But Song-Yi is still considering becoming a hunter instead of finishing school. She even skipped class the other day to get a license.”

“Is she?” Kyung-Hye asked, concerned.

“Yeah, but she’s always changing her mind, so she’ll probably get over it soon.”

She knew her daughter had been friends with Han Song-Yi since they were children and had been very close. While Kyung-Hye didn’t know what kind of situation Song-Yi was in, she hoped this decision was simply Song-Yi being young and rebellious rather than a need to get some money. 

The thought of someone her daughter’s age having to find a way to make a living was distressing as she would never want to see her children have to do such a thing, and it was her responsibility as a parent to make sure that didn’t happen.

I would hate for Jin-Ah or Jin-Woo to risk their lives to make money, like the people in the double dungeon. Or the hunters in that last raid-

Kyung-Hye thought back to how her previous raid had ended. Leaving those people behind in the gate... 

“I’m going to rest for a bit, okay?” Kyung-Hye told Jin-Ah as she stood up.

Jin-Ah gave an affirmative hum as she swallowed a mouthful of food. “Are you going to eat some more chicken?”

Kyung-Hye shook her head. “No, but if you could put away the leftovers, that would be great.”

Jin-Ah nodded, and Kyung-Hye smiled before heading to her room.

As Kyung-Hye went inside the bedroom and closed the door, she took a deep breath before she lay on her bed and covered her eyes with her arm, still processing what had happened inside the gate again.

Although Kyung-Hye felt like she had no choice if she wanted to make out alive with Jin-Ho at the time and tried to go for what seemed like the safest solution, she couldn’t help but be reminded of nine years ago. 

Her husband had been a firefighter before the gates appeared. Kyung-Hye saw how Il-Hwan helped efficiently put out the fire at the college she attended and how much he cared about everyone being safe. 

They got together soon after that and had many happy moments together. After getting married, their kids only added to the joy they had in their lives. 

Her son was only fifteen when he came home to tell her that Il-Hwan disappeared inside a gate.

She felt like the world was crashing down around her hearing those words, but then she saw her children standing before her. Her eldest had tears in his eyes, already knowing his father would not be returning, while her youngest didn’t quite understand what was happening yet.

Kyung-Hye couldn’t let herself get lost in her feelings now. Not when her children needed her more than ever before.

Pulling her son and daughter close to her and hugging them tightly, she was determined to do everything possible for them to grow up safe and healthy. 

She worked as many jobs as she could get, from working as a custodian to working at various stores, putting as much energy into supporting her children. She woke up long before the sun rose to prepare for a long day of work and typically wouldn’t be able to come home until dinnertime. 

Kyung-Hye spent long hours of work, saving enough money for her kids to go to college and to provide them with everything they needed as she wanted them to live comfortable lives without worrying about money constantly.

She did have a degree of her own, but she had been a stay-at-home mom for so long, and it was difficult for her to find a job as she was older and less experienced than most people were looking for. So the only jobs she would get were ones that younger people wouldn’t usually choose.

Of course, she still had to look after herself and had just enough rest and food to keep going. After all, she needed to care for herself for her children’s sake. 

Until her son succumbed to Eternal Sleep.

Her income, at the time, as meager as it was, was sufficiently supporting the three of them. However, it was no longer enough to pay her son’s hospital bills.

Kyung-Hye had some savings that were enough to pay the initial bills, but she had to find a better job soon. The only money she had left was their college funds, which she could not use, especially when she noticed how hard Jin-Ah was studying to become a doctor after Jin-Woo was hospitalized.

Luckily, however, she discovered she had suddenly awakened one day.

It didn’t matter that she barely had any magic power and was only slightly stronger than a typical person. Any bit of power would be enough for her to be a hunter and earn far more money than any other job she could get. 

Plus, by working for the Hunters Association, Kyung-Hye could get medical aid for the cost of Jin-Woo’s life support. It had been four years since her son had succumbed to Eternal Slumber, but she knew her son would eventually wake up. It was only a matter of time. Until then, she would do anything to keep her children safe. She would do the same even if her husband were still around.

Remembering her family made her think of the Lizards in the last raid she went on. She didn’t even know what kind of families the other hunters had. Were they also parents like her and felt they had no choice but to do this to provide for them? Or did some of them feel like they had no choice but to follow what Hwang Dong-Suk told them to do out of fear they would be the next one to die?

Regardless, that didn’t mean they could tear other families apart. Not just to Kyung-Hye herself who still had a teenage daughter and a son under Eternal Slumber but also to Jin-Ho who was still a very young person with a bright future. While she hated thinking of how the hunters’ families had lost a loved one, she did what she had to in that situation. It might be selfish of her to think so, but she had to stay alive to look after her children. She made it this far and couldn’t give up now.

Thinking of the raid in this way reminded her of the times Il-Hwan couldn’t save someone in time during the various emergencies he had dealt with. While Il-Hwan put on an act in front of their kids and pretended he had a typical day at work, Kyung-Hye knew from how his jaw was clenched and how his reactions were ever so slightly delayed as if he was thinking deeply about something.

It would only be after they finished having dinner and their kids were asleep that Kyung-Hye would ask what happened. Sometimes, Il-hwan would tell her about the people he couldn’t save. Other times, he would simply hug her tightly and stay silent. 

The only thing Kyung-Hye could do to console him was to give him comforting words and to hold him, her arms barely being able to wrap around his large physique. Il-Hwan had always done everything he could to save as many people as possible and how despite his efforts, there would be situations that made it impossible to save everyone. Kyung-Hye knew well that her husband would do whatever it took to get people to safety, even if it meant risking his life.

After all, his selflessness was the reason she fell in love with him. It was also why Il-Hwan wasn’t with her right now.

Releasing a sigh, Kyung-Hye tried not to dwell on her husband’s absence and looked at her stats. There wasn’t anything she could do about Il-Hwan being gone, so she could only focus on becoming stronger to take care of her children until he returned.

HP 2830

MP 580

Strength: 43 Health: 43

Agility: 43 Intelligence: 43

Sense: 43

Available Ability Points: 2

She didn’t get much of a chance to look at it before as whenever she had enough points, she simply allocated the points in a way to keep all of them balanced. Even if she were to think about it some more, she would have done the same. She still wished there was some kind of instruction manual that came with the System instead of guessing and checking what everything meant.

Just as she was considering how to distribute the remaining points, Jin-Ah knocked on her door before opening it.

“Mom? Someone named Yoo Jin-Ho is calling for you.” “Yoo Jin-Ho?”

“Mrs. Park! Over here!”

Kyung-Hye turned to look at the sound of her voice and smiled when she saw the familiar young man with short brown hair.

“It’s good to see you again, Jin-Ho,” Kyung-Hye said as she sat down. “I wasn’t expecting to meet again so soon. Ah, thank you again for the essence stones you gave me.”

“You saved me last time, so I was really grateful for your help!” Jin-Ho responded.

“It was no trouble. We were both trying to get out of there. Was there another reason you wanted to see me?” the older woman asked. 

While it was nice to see Jin-Ho, thanking her couldn’t be the only reason why he wanted to meet with her again. She didn’t mind the young man having his reasons for wanting to see her, but she wasn’t keen on helping this young man as he got into dangerous situations.

Kyung-Hye watched as the young man braced himself before stating why he called her.

“Well, I want to make a private strike squad.”

Kyung-Hye expected as much. She had hoped he had changed his mind after their last raid, but it looked like he hadn’t. However, Jin-Ho seemed more optimistic than naive given how determined he looked, so she knew Jin-Ho was at least aware of the risks.

“Is there a reason you want to make a strike squad? I’m sure you know how dangerous hunting can get after our last raid together.”

“Uh, well,” the young hunter briefly looked away before steeling himself again before looking back at her. 

“I just need your help in 19 more raids!”

Kyung-Hye raised an eyebrow. She found it strange he needed such a specific number of raids. Kyung-Hye wasn’t fully aware of everything related to hunters, but she had picked up enough to understand what all hunters knew. 

If the last raid is included, that would be 20 total.

She remembered seeing a requirement for clearing a certain amount of gates, but that was only if-

Her eyes widened as she realized what he wanted to do.

“Do you want to become a guild master?”

Jin-Ho smiled widely once he saw that Kyung-Hye quickly figured out his plan.

“Yes, I do!”

Kyung-Hye frowned at the thought. 

“Is there any specific reason you want to form a guild?” the older woman asked cautiously. 

It was rather unusual for such a young man to want to do something so ambitious at his age.

So Jin-Ho explained how his father, Yoo Myung-Hwan, wanted to create his own guild and how Jin-Ho wanted to convince his father to let him be in charge of the guild instead of his brother.

While Kyung-Hye did want to help Jin-Ho, she was curious if there was another reason Jin-Ho wished to become a Guild Master so badly when he was this young. But she didn’t want to pry into his business, so she accepted his reasoning and asked another question. 

“How much will I get in return?” Kyung-Hye asked. While she didn’t want to demand an unreasonable sum, the amount she gets for helping him should still be enough to provide for her family. Otherwise, it would be better for her to continue raiding as usual. There was also the matter of her being prevented from leveling up, but that wasn’t as important to her for now.

Jin-Ho beamed as he took out an envelope and handed it to Kyung-Hye, who opened it and read its contents.

“It’s nice that you wanted to come exercise with me today,” Kyung-Hye commented as she did some warm-up stretches alongside her daughter.

“Well, it’s not good to just sit and study all day,” Jin-Ah reasoned. “Besides, it’s been a while since we’ve had free time together.”

Kyung-Hye smiled and fondly rubbed her daughter’s head before they began their run.

As she ran beside Jin-Ah, Kyung-Hye thought about her recent conversation with Jin-Ho again.

Thirty billion won. That was the amount that Jin-Ho had offered. I could easily pay Jin-Ah to attend college without worrying about hunting monsters. 

However, if I stopped going on raids, I wouldn’t be able to make my powers stronger. What would happen to the System in that case?

Kyung-Hye looked at her daughter as she kept a steady pace with her. While Kyung-Hye could easily run faster, these small moments she could spend with Jin-Ah were precious to her. Her daughter, as well as the rest of her family, was all she lived for.

There is also the possibility of a dungeon break happening near them, like how one had happened close to where she fought in the instant dungeon. Not to mention the possibility of something like the S-Rank gate on Jeju Island happening again. 

She had told Jin-Ho that she would need some time to make a decision and that she would give him an answer within the week, but there were so many factors to consider.

“Is something wrong, mom?” Jin-Ah asked, making Kyung-Hye come out of her thoughts.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” Kyung-Hye replied, not wanting to worry her daughter. “Is Song-Yi still wanting to be a hunter?”

“Oh, yeah. I wanted to study with her the other day, but she didn’t want to. She says it’s boring and that she wouldn’t need to know this stuff if she decided to become a hunter.”

Kyung-Hye frowned. It wasn’t good for someone who hadn’t even graduated high school yet to want to become a hunter, especially one of such a low rank like herself who simply wanted to do it without realizing how dangerous it was. Even if she did want or have to become a hunter, her education was still important in case being a hunter didn’t work out for her later.

“Maybe you could invite her over some time? I’d like to hear why she wants to be one,” Kyung-Hye asked. 

She also hoped to convince her daughter’s friend that she shouldn’t become a hunter. It wouldn’t be easy, given how Kyung-Hye knew how stubborn teenagers could be from personal experience.

Jin-Ah nodded. “Yeah, I can ask her later!”

Focusing on their run again, Kyung-Hye realized she had already run more than the quest required as she looked at the status window. However, the system continued to track how many kilometers she was running even though she had already reached the necessary amount.

That’s strange. Why does it continue counting past 10?

Kyung-Hye was puzzled at the sight but decided to see how far it would go. 

After noticing that the System stopped counting the number of kilometers she ran after it reached twice the required number, Kyung-Hye did the same for the other exercises. As soon as she had finished double what she needed to complete, she got rewarded for completing a Hidden Quest.

Another dungeon key?

Examining the details of the key, Kyung-Hye saw that the difficulty level was S which meant the dungeon it unlocked would likely be of the same level, based on the last key she got. 

While she could enter the gate since she still had the teleportation stone from last time, she had no idea what would be inside the gate. Kyung-Hye knew she was nowhere close to being as strong as an S-Rank, estimating herself to be approximately a B-Rank given what had happened in the most recent dungeon. Also, going in only to see what was inside and back out of it seemed like a waste of the teleportation stone if she needed it even more later.

After contemplating her choices, Kyung-Hye decided to save the key for when she got stronger. There wasn’t a time limit, so there was no need for her to rush into danger now.

Until Jin-Ho gets back to me, I should find another raid to go on.

[polina-tvorozhok]

U say we can vent to you, right?

Well...it was quite shocking, and yet I was devastatingly...numb? I was supposed to cry; why am I numb?!

...

Maybe it was because my grandma (dad's mom specifically) also died this year, in July. Maybe it was because despite us trying to nuture her to full health, she still died.

Maybe it was because of just being too familiar with being near some concept of mortality (I...won't elaborate on that.). Maybe it was because of the knowledge that I could die one day and it would be unexpected, even if it was from a disease I could inherit from either side of the family, and even worse—none of you will know because nobody in my place knows about this account, or will ever respect what comes from it if they know of it.

Maybe it was because of the fact I've already contemplated the fear and implications of literal death to a creative person, or anyone in general—even myself: what stories have they not tell, what ideas were never written out, what interests never shared, what secrets never shown—although if it was really meant to be there, it's better for secrets to be six feet under the grave.

I have no idea if this is selfish because...you know...things in my life fucked me up and my perception to myself and every aspect of life like, I dunno, DEATH?!

My religion doesn't believe that the dead become ghosts who either goes to heaven or hell, or anything about ghosts. Being an SDA will make you inevitably know about that part of our beliefs, where instead of such scenarios, the body was in a deep sleep until Jesus Christ comes. But at the same time, we can never tell what happens after—if it was an eternal slumber until the end comes, if we were just left...on Earth...and never wake up or be revived, if we reincarnate into other realities, if our ghosts roam in our own homes and cry over everything, if....anything happens.

Fuck...there goes the tears now...maybe writing does triggee the emotionsof the soul.

I believe that parallel realities and the multiverse can be possible in a separates way, because we live in a timeline where many things could have happen—for the better, for the worse, for everything that may or may not be mournable. But we indeed live in a timeline where misopportunities lead the evil keep on living, and misfortune for the good to fail so. The best thing we can do is to honor the stories and memories we have with Carla Carolina, to respect everything we know about her.

If the ghosts thing is true, maybe she can smile this way. If my religion's belief is true, maybe she would be told of how people reacted to her being lost from us. But whatever other things that could possibly happen...

I so sorry for the lost. Deepest condolences.

...

~✴️ (hope you know who is behind this)

I'm not sure who's behind the message, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is your experience. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

Don't worry about the crying thing. I woke up to the news and still haven't shed a tear. Maybe it's because I wasn't as close to her as sime of you. Or maybe because I have already experienced a similar kind of grief (when my great grandma died in Ukraine, I won't be able to visit her grave in a good while) but the point is, everyone grieves different. Yet the thought that she a child still breaks my heart.

We both got in the hospital at the same time. Yet for some reason it was her who had two go. For some reason I felt guilty lying in the hospital while knowing that someone out there had it much worse than me. For a moment I believed that her getting hit by a car was some sort of a twisted way God used to send her to hospital and heal her.

Then again, she may not have survived but she hopefully had a painless death. I like to believe that her saying she was better was a swan song, a last boost of happiness the organism produces to comfort itself before passing. I'm sure she had people by her side to hold her hand. I'm sure she was loved till the very end and after it, because she is.

If you, as you say, are a religious or spiritual person, then pray for her and her family. Remember, Carla would want you to be healthy and happy so please take care of yourself.

Stay strong 🤍

[skyloftian-nutcase]

Finding Light + Snippet (LU in Healthcare)

(@hermitdrabbles56 @squigglywindy @alasse-earfalas)

(AO3 link)

Legend yawned as he entered the emergency department, energy drink in hand. He felt incredibly sluggish and worn out, torn in different directions between multiple shifts. Not to mention yesterday's fiasco - one day off in between multiple stretches of work never felt like enough. It was barely the amount of time needed to just get his head above water most days, and it figured that his one night off was the one that Warriors decided to drunk text him.

He still didn't know what was wrong with his new friend. People made dumb decisions and got wasted all the time, and it wouldn't surprise him if Wars was one of those people, but in the car... it had definitely seemed like there was more to it.

Sighing, Legend took another swig of his energy drink, pinching his nose to fight the oncoming headache. He didn't have energy to parse this out. All he knew was that Warriors was gone before he'd gotten up the next day. The military nurse had folded the blanket and left a thank you note and hadn't said two words to him since, despite a text he'd sent this afternoon.

Passing by the waiting room, Legend saw that there was a large group of people waiting. Dread weighed heavily in his stomach. Great. More fun times cleaning up day shift's mess - a room full of people who had been waiting for hours meant everyone would be annoyed, and they'd have to start doing protocol orders just to get things moving since the doctors were lagging. He hoped he wouldn't get triage.

As he wandered into the staff room, he caught sight of Warriors, who was staring at his phone absentmindedly. Legend immediately made his way over to him.

"Hey," he said quietly.

Wars glanced up, his face neutral, and then he gave a small smile. "Hey. Thanks for last night, sorry to put you in that position."

"Yeah, about that--"

"Did you see the waiting room?" he continued, barreling over Legend's words. "Tonight's going to be busy to start."

Before Legend could continue, the charge nurse entered and started huddle. "Hey, everyone, happy Friday! We have 100 patients in the department, 34 in the waiting room. Staffing's pretty good tonight, we're only down one nurse and two techs. Here are the assignments."

Legend bit his tongue as Warriors was assigned the behavioral health unit, and he himself was assigned the 300 block. He'd hunt his friend down later.

XXX

It was quiet. But it was a different kind of quiet from home. Home was solitary, quiet with gentle nature but also isolation. Beautiful and lonely, peaceful and too still all at once. But here it was a warm quiet, like the comfortable silence one felt while resting with friends and family.

The stained glass spilled colors into the area, bathing him in blues and greens and reds as the sun continued to set. A few candles were lit in around little shrines and statues, and one notable one in the center over the altar.

Sky sighed, trying to breathe in the peace of this place.

He wasn't entirely sure what was wrong with him. Things were better than they used to be. He wasn't spending one day to the next wondering if he'd live or die. He wasn't separated from friends and family. Sure, he was more distant from those he'd bonded with over the last couple years, but... was that... was that what was wrong? That he'd trauma bonded with those people and now they were less prominent in his life?

He didn't know. He was just tired. He was always tired now.

He hated it.

Sun had suggested he go home, but he wasn't sure. She wasn't there anymore anyway, so what was left for him? Instead, he tried looking up somewhere familiar to go, somewhere safe. A cabin in the mountains was familiar, away from people was safe. He loved it there.

But it was so damn quiet. But he wanted quiet. He was exhausted dealing with people but he wanted to be around people. But everything was so new and different here. He'd chosen this city because it was the only place a pilot's position was available, and in such a familiar capacity too. He hadn't...

He hadn't expected to see them. Any of them. But they were so happy to see him, and he hadn't known what to make of that either. Why would they be happy? He'd abandoned them.

He couldn't lie to himself and say that it didn't mean the world to him, though. But he felt guilty about that too, because now they wanted to spend time with him and catch up with him, and he just sat there and soaked up the attention and barely asked anything in return.

He felt like lately he just took and took and took. He had nothing to give.

He had nothing to give.

Sky slid to his knees, leaning heavily on the pew in front of him. Give me light. Give me hope. I can't give to others if I don't have any for myself. Please...

Give me hope. Give me hope.

He didn't know how to fix this. He didn't even know if he could. All he knew was he felt his life draining out of him, like he was bleeding from an invisible wound.

This was so stupid. He had no right to feel this way.

You have every right to feel this way, a voice whispered, a quiet reminder in the hurricane of thoughts in his mind. Sky took a shuddering breath, holding it as his world froze a moment.

Then he huffed out a tired laugh, relenting as he stared at the lit candle. "Fine. You're right."

Didn't make it any easier to deal with, though.

Sky's phone buzzed, and he looked at it distractedly before gazing back at the altar, silently asking for permission. Then he sat on the pew once more, checking his text message.

SKY HI you wanna get ice cream?? just got out of class and it's SO FRIGGING MUGGY EW I NEED ICE CREAM LET'S GET SOME

Sky smiled, Wind's excitement being infectious even through a simple speech bubble. Then he looked back at the candle, watching it flicker gently, before his gaze drifted down to the golden little doorway hidden from view by a veil.

"Thanks," he said softly before getting up to meet with Wind.

XXX

The first thing Hyrule thought when he pulled up to the house was this is going to be a pain to extricate her if she can't walk.

They were dispatched for someone withdrawing from their medication. The woman was reportedly unable to walk. She was on the second floor of a two-story home that had a gravel driveway and uneven paved steps leading up to the front porch.

Just as he was grabbing the stair chair, however, Mo, who had entered first alongside the fire department, waved him off. "Fire's going to help her walk out here. We just need to get the stretcher ready."

Relieved, the medic put the stair chair away in the side compartment of the ambulance and helped his partner prep the stretcher as the firefighters approached with the patient. One of the firefighters was carrying a couple of the woman's supplies - a large pink trash bag filled with items and a purse. As Hyrule and Mo lifted the patient and stretcher into the ambulance, the firefighter deposited the items on the bench seat. Hyrule thanked his fellow first responders and then hopped in the back to assist Mo.

Thankfully, despite the woman's distress and uncomfortable symptoms, she wasn't in dire need. While a trip to the hospital was necessary for her, Hyrule didn't have to be the one to do it. The 12-lead was unremarkable and her vitals were within defined limits. Mo gave him a thumbs up, and Hyrule hopped out of the truck to drive while Mo ran the call. Hyrule merrily listened to the radio, keeping a careful listening ear out in case his partner needed anything, and drove them to the hospital.

Upon their arrival, Hyrule told dispatch they were at the ER, walked to the back of the truck and opened the doors and saw Mo putting the patient's enormous trash bag on her lap. Confused, he was about to ask why his partner didn't just place the bag behind the patient - they had a little cubby behind the back of the stretcher where they could place things, after all. It seemed rude to put that on her lap.

But then Mo placed the purse on the woman as well. And then another bag of belongings. And then a trash bag filled with toiletries. And then a clear bag filled with shampoos and conditioners. And then another bag filled with more clothes.

Hyrule stared as the patient progressively disappeared beneath enough personal items to fill a luggage rack in a hotel - heck, the patient had become the luggage rack in a hotel. Hyrule tried his absolute hardest to not laugh, but the patient was out of sight and he kept making eye contact with Mo, who was looking increasingly more exasperated.

He supposed the firefighters had brought a few more personal items than he'd realized.

As the pair wheeled in their pile of luggage (and somewhere in its midst was their patient), Hyrule was half tempted to tell the charge nurse they were checking in for the night.

It only got better when he realized they were giving report to Legend, whose eyebrows immediately rose to his hairline as they entered.

[nihilnovisubsole]

it's that time of year again: AK's 2023 Wrapped™. no, not the music thing. the december year-in-review thing. my spotify charts were deeply unfunny this time around because of all the game soundtracks i've been listening to. i don't know when these end-of-year posts became tradition for me, which is to say i could find out and i'm too lazy to check. the important thing, like lemon pigs or eating black-eyed peas, is that it feels like we've always done it. in the depths of winter, the warmth comes from the routine.

i won't beat around the bush about it: it's been a difficult year. it's been hard enough that it doesn't seem appropriate to joke about it or wave it off in favor of big, blog-worthy wins. times are dark right now. it behooves all of us to think deeply and check on each other. i hope i've been a decent friend to the people who needed it. so instead of scraping together a halfhearted victory lap, i'm going to go against my better judgment and be vulnerable.

it wasn't all bad. i got promoted to staff narrative designer this year, which is a fancy way of saying "you don't have to do time cards anymore." it's strange: in an industry infamous for volatility, my job has become one of the few things i can rely on to be positive. i believe my coworkers like me, which is good, because i like them. i feel not just included, but welcomed at work social events. i've developed a reputation for being a garbage goat on my writing team. "got an odd job? give it to AK. we can count on her to eat it." i had the chance to collaborate with someone i've looked up to for years, and i was delighted to find out how amenable they are to work with. there's work stress and there's work stress. everyone has challenging days, but it's not the crab bucket that voltage was, so it never seems that bad. i keep it in perspective. sure, these tasks keep me on my feet, but is it three cents a word, seven thousand words a week? i'll live.

i just wish it had all been good. it speaks to how my health has been that getting covid in february was one of the most mundane things to happen to me. i did everything right. i had all my boosters. i had paxlovid. i recovered well. still, it knocked me out of orbit in the psychological sense. i stopped getting enough exercise, though i'm building myself up again. i became neurotic about my stats. am i Getting A Good Grade In Blood Pressure? what about Pulse Rate? two months later, i came down with a strange, unrelated condition that was nowhere near as serious as covid, but made my life ten times more difficult. i'm happy to report i feel worlds better these days. even so, it was a bizarre time. bodies sure are curious.

later, my sink flooded my closet, and for a few days, i had to reckon with the idea that mold might destroy my entire wardrobe. all those irreplaceable pieces of character design that i've built my identity around since i was eighteen years old. who would i be without them? a wise person would say it was a lesson: stop defining who you are by your looks and find worth in your inner self. the mold is gone and my clothes are fine, but sometimes i have days where my lungs seem like they're sort of operating at ninety percent. i'm trying not to fuss about it. my checkups are normal, and i feel fine whenever i get out of the house for a while. maybe it'll go away when i move. because, hey, i can contemplate saving for a house now. how about that? remember when my mother and i were homeless? what a surreal landscape of highs and lows.

maybe grief is strange like that. in july, just when my health started to settle down, my grandmother died. it was a long time coming. she was 94 and extremely frail. i handled it well at first. it took the ensuing few months for the full weight of human mortality to sink in. before, i'd mainly been to funerals of warm, but distant old men, great patriarchs who loved but didn't relate to little girls. her, i knew. she was there when i was born. i won't go into detail, but it was not a peaceful passing, and it left problems in its wake. you don't live through that without taking a long, hard look at your life. everyone gets the invincibility knocked out of them sometime.

my mother is too disciplined to let it get the better of her. on the worst days of her life, the stove still got cleaned and the bills got paid. when people give her condolences, she encourages them to look on the bright side: she got almost seventy years with her. how many children can say that? but i can tell she's sad, and i'm not under any illusion i can help. i have to sit with it. there's nothing else for me to do.

under different circumstances, i'd have thrown myself into my work. i'd come up with some writing project to avoid thinking about it. i guess the dominant theme when it comes to my personal writing has been inertia: accomplishing nothing and being unsure of myself. if it's a growing pain, it's a rough one. i question my storytelling instincts so much, it's hard to get a story off the ground, let alone take it anywhere. i've hit a point where i find the conventions of the romance genre limiting. i still want to write about people in love, though, and i can't reconcile the two. why do some love stories get to be love stories and others are "just romance?" you could ask why it's "just" romance, and that's a good, but different conversation, i think. what are the great love stories saying about the human condition that i'm not? what is my work saying, period? not a whole lot, i'm afraid. i used to be pugnacious about writing from my id brain, about doing it for the fun of it. i worry that's not going to cut it anymore. i have to push myself harder. i also have to stop fretting about being perceived as pretentious for asking these questions.

it would be easier if i had more answers. i'm not sure which project to work on next, because they're all half-formed outlines with plots i don't know how to fill. i'm not sure whether it'd be weird for someone with my job to keep writing or posting fanfic, no matter how informally. i'm not sure what role physical intimacy should play in my writing, if any, because along with everything else, this was the year shame caught up to me. i'm not sure what happened there. i hope the "are sex scenes necessary" debate didn't get me, because i'd argue for their artistic merit any day. but when i do it, i worry that it's indiscreet somehow, like i'm revealing myself in ways that make strangers uncomfortable. some days i feel like going through my backlog of published work and tearing out all the sex-adjacent content like a power-mad inquisitor. i won't, because i'd regret it, but i spend a lot of time being embarrassed. it's embarrassing. i can't escape the feeling that people don't want to know that about me.

despite it all, it's still bad form to end on a down note, so i'll leave you with this: after five years, i finally got into physical therapy for my arm. i told my doctor the whole sob story and she put in a referral to a hand/occupational clinic. will it help? i don't know. i've tried so many things that haven't. but they're optimistic that i'm in better shape than i think - i've heard a lot of "wow, we get patients who can't even open a jar!" - so it's worth a shot. if it means i can draw a little more, it's something. i still make time for the picrew every day. ever onward. thanks for hanging in there with me, guys. you keep things interesting.

[greyknighterotica]

Hey lover! What do you do when you're not busy seducing us?

These days I've been spending my free time trying to get back into really great shape and recovery on my ankle and I have to say, i'm very, very happy with the results.

It's pretty much where all my focus has gone this spring and summer, and it feels great.

I started making crockpots full of diet food using the blooming technique, so it's been great eating a ton of fiber and veggies while having it taste great (even if I am getting over it, lol).

Frankly, this calendar year and birth year has stunk, a lot. But I keep seeming to find things to enjoy about myself.

Other signs of life:

I'm reading again. Non fiction, fiction, long form, poems.

The world is a mess, and yet, my PTSD levels and fears just keep winding down, my health improves, yadda.

Im sorry I'm not more public and making more things right now, you have every right to worry, but I am working, I am having fun, I just--like be detached from the big mess you all call the world, very much.

Some media recommendations:

Evil is very good. Monster of the week that gets better every season.

Ripley, though if you masturbate to me, there's a good chance you've already seen that one.

Extra Ordinary, Irish movie from a few years back, has to be one of the most shockingly fun and feminine things i've seen in ages, give it a shot, won't you?

Thanks for asking. I hope your year has gone better than mine.

[queeniecook]

June 22

After giving birth, I spent time cuddling my little starfish and nursing her. Caleb and Annalise cleaned up a bit, while the others were still on guard for James. There has been no sign of him, which I’m very thankful for.

I finally let Caleb convince me to let Lilith watch our daughter while I cleaned up after being checked over by Annalise. So far, so good.

Lilith was the happiest I’ve probably ever seen her. “I’m going to spoil you rotten, Este.”

I took a nap in a freshly made bed, which ended up turning into me sleeping until after midnight. There’s perks of having two vampires in the house. We sent Dakota home, Lily and Lilith are staying a few days, just in case. Tomorrow Caleb is going to pick up Joise and Lucky from Rahmi's. I miss my fur babies. 

Honestly most of it is so they can bond with Este. Babies’ are miracles in general but this is kind of surreal for both of them.

“She has Vera’s eyes.” Lily commented when I slowly walked into the nursery. Caleb was sitting in the rocker, grinning. I don’t think the smile has left his face since Este made her way into the world. 

It’s true, Este has the same eye color as me which means she has my Dad’s eye color. I was kind of hoping she’d have Caleb’s eye color but this makes me happy too.

I sat down with Annalise to talk about how Este is doing so far.

“She’s doing great, I still advise you to take her in for a checkup as soon as possible but so far I don’t see any evidence of her being a vampire.” Annalise told me. Obviously number one is Este’s health. Though it is hard to tell sometimes, we merfolk don’t show any signs of what we are until our teenage years. I’m not sure how it is for a possible vampire child, since there are few of them in existence. Plus, she wouldn’t be full blooded even if she does take after her Father in that way.

We’ll cross that possible bridge when we come to it but not matter what, she’s our little girl. Nothing will ever change that. We’re so happy she’s here!

[narancias-headband]

A big announcement...

Hi everyone! Very long time, no see.

I've gone through and cleaned things up around here a good bit, deleting old posts and fixing up my masterlist again. You might have seen some posts as I fix things up around here.

But the short and sweet version of this post is...

I'm coming back to this blog!!

It's going to be a decent bit different than before, but I do want to write and share my thoughts with you all again. :)

An important note! I will no longer taking 'requests', but I'd love some inspiration from everyone! I'm not going to hold myself to write anything that doesn't seem right for me. Feel free to send in requests/ideas for inspiration, and please do not be offended if I never get to them! I promise, I'm not judging! Some brief rules on what to ask for are here in my pinned post (they're mostly the same as before haha).

A very LONG rambling update under the cut for anyone wondering what in the world I've been up to.

So... A lot has changed in the past few years here... It's been like a year since y'all have heard from me... Mainly, my hyperfixation on JoJo's went away for a while. So that's my brain's fault haha. I've done this a few times with a few blogs, so I guess I was expecting to drop it sooner or later. What I didn't expect was how much I miss this blog (believe me, I have no regrets on my old blog deaths).

I've been watching JoJo's with a dear friend of mine lately, and the need to write has been stirring again. And then we hit Part 5... My brain was shifted back into fanfic mode instantly. I saw Formaggio and remembered my dear husband. I went and read through so much of my old stuff and remembered how much fun I used to have writing. I'm already working on a few new things, and a few old things, but I'm in no rush.

Which relates to some of the changes I'm hoping to make here. In all honesty, I did a lot here for the attention of people and the approval of the fandom. And that is not sustainable! No wonder I had writing burnout so much... I'm not planning to take as many requests anymore, and I will be much more focused on creating things that make me happy than anything else. Hopefully others enjoy it anyway :)

So... What have I been up to? My life has been taking lots of unexpected twists and turns. My, not entirely intentional, unemployment has opened up some free time to get back to things I enjoy. And I will never let a job take over my life like that again. Good news is, I'm working on my mental health and I finally feel creative again! I want to write and draw and think and I actually have the energy for it!

I've been very lost in the awful job market lately, and being at home alone all day isn't the most thrilling, but even just the minor things I've been doing behind the scenes on this blog have made me feel great. It's a bit more fulfilling than just playing Fortnite all day 😅

And me? I've grown up a lot lately. Working through mental issues, focusing on myself and my happiness, making changes for the better. Which is the main reason I really want to come back! This blog made me so happy and that's my main goal lately. I'm back into JJBA hardcore, I've become a Fortnite kid, and my love of Pokémon has come back in full force. And I have a new pretty gaming PC to sit and write at and the more I use it the more it's worth the $1500 I spent on it.

Oh, and one last thing... For better or worse, I've pretty much ended up a functional stoner. 😅 Probably expect more headcanons about getting high with diff characters that will be way better than the goofy ones I wrote way back when.

[jacksonthereaper]

🥳HAPPY 2024🥳

Thank you all for the kind words on the last post, this past year has been kicking my ass with school, family, emotions, etc. but hopefully 2024 will be a new start for me and i'll manage to (at least somewhat) turn things around mental health-wise. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me and helped me out through these tough times. I appreciate you all. I really do 😊😊

But anyway, LET'S GET TO THE MAIN EVENT

I have two big announcements regarding future projects:

First, about the Daily Bestiary: I'm just gonna be straightforward here, cause real talk, i've lost pretty much all interest in mythology and folklore, i tried to reignite that passion but after pretty much half a year of having it as an interest, it's just not something i'm into anymore. This is all essentially to say that Daily Bestiary is pretty much dead. I'm thinking of maybe having people send on their own posts and submitting them for me to post (with credit given of course) but that's just an idea for now.

NOW ONTO THE REAL BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

My current interests are general fiction (particularly manga and anime), fantasy and sci fi, as well as character creation and world-building. With this, i've been working on the basis for a fantasy/sci-fi story i've been putting together for a while now. And that story is called:

WONDERBOUND

Wonderbound will center around three teenagers living in NYC: 15 year old Eddie McKlee, 16 year old Akio Murasawa (born and raised in Japan, later moved to the states) and 15 year old Marta da Costa (born and raised in Brazil before later moving to New York). They discover and end up traveling to another planet known as Golfraeym, a magical planet filled with strange creatures, fantastical landscapes and colorful people. They now must spend their every day switching between their regular school life during the day and their duties with the Nozh Ved'my, a division of the legendary organization known as Svyataya Sila, in Golfraeym during the night

On this journey they will discover different planets with their species, cultures, languages and learn the great secrets of a universe full of mystery and wonder

From here on out i'll mostly be sharing details about Wonderbound through not just written posts, but also asks you guys send. There's a lot of stuff that still needs more time in the hoven but feel free to ask away and i'll answer you to the best of my abilities

So ye i hope you're interested in what Wonderbound has to offer and feel free to ask me anything abt, i've been working p hard to put this world together so i hope you are all as interested in hearing about Wonderbound as much as i am in creating it

Have a good one! ✌️

[black-arcana]

BUTCHER BABIES Announce September/October 2024 U.S. Tour

BUTCHER BABIES will embark on a U.S. headlining tour in September. Support on the "Good Lord! The Butcher's Ded!" trek will come from DED, DROPOUT KINGS and FOX LAKE.

Tickets go on sale this Friday, August 9.

Tour dates:

Sep. 18 - Palmdale, CA - Transplants Brewing Company Sep. 19 - Los Angeles, CA - 1720 Sep. 20 - Bakersfield, CA - Temblor Brewing Company Sep. 21 - Reno, NV - Cypress Reno Sep. 23 - Seattle, WA - El Corazon Sep. 24 - Portland, OR - Bossanova Ballroom Sep. 26 - Salt Lake City, UT - Metro Music Hall Sep. 27 - Colorado Springs, CO - Black Sheep Sep. 29 - Denver, CO - HQ Oct. 01 - Tulsa, OK - The Shrine Oct. 02 - Oklahoma City, OK - 89th St Oct. 04 - Austin, TX - Come And Take It Live Oct. 05 - Dallas, TX - RBC Oct. 06 - San Antonio, TX - The Rock Box Oct. 07 - El Paso, TX - RockHouse Bar & Grill Oct. 08 - Roswell, NM - The Liberty Oct. 10 - Tucson, AZ - The Rock Oct. 11 - Phoenix, AZ - Pub Rock

BUTCHER BABIES played their first concert since the official departure of co-founding co-vocalist Carla Harvey on July 27 at the Stonehenge festival in Steenwijk, The Netherlands.

The band announced Harvey's exit in a social media post on July 20. BUTCHER BABIES wrote: "As you may have already guessed, it is confirmed that Carla Harvey and BUTCHER BABIES have officially parted ways.

"Carla has been an integral part of our journey, bringing her unique talent, passion, and energy to the band. We are grateful for the incredible memories we've made together and the impact she has had on our music and our fans. We will miss her greatly and we wish her all the best in her future endeavors.

"We deeply appreciate your support over the past 15 years," BUTCHER BABIES added. "We feel incredibly fortunate to keep making and playing music as our career, and we are excited for this new era of BUTCHER BABIES!

"See you on the road."

Carla added in a separate post: "Over the last 6 months You may have noticed my absence from BUTCHER BABIES posts. After 15 years of dedication, I wanted to let you know that I will not be rejoining the band for any future endeavors.

"I am super proud of my work with BUTCHER BABIES…2 EPS, 5 Full lengths albums and countless tours with our metal heroes! To all of our incredible BUTCHER BABIES friends and fans…you have provided me with some of the greatest experiences of my life! I have loved every second of writing and performing all over the world for you! I have loved meeting you. WOW. I still can't believe this kid from Detroit got so lucky.

"I am not done making music and performing. I WILL see you soon".

Last fall, BUTCHER BABIES completed a European tour without Carla, who sat out the trek in order to undergo emergency surgery on her left eye.

Harvey shared the news of her absence from the tour on October 26, 2023 in a social media post. The 47-year-old singer, who co-founded BUTCHER BABIES in 2010 with fellow vocalist Heidi Shepherd, posted a photo of her performing with her bandmates, and she included the following message: "Here's a picture of a girl in her happy place; unfortunately i won't be in that happy place on the upcoming @butcherbabies Euro run. Love you all but i have to sit this one out!

"I have a history of problematic vision and I had to have a major surgery about 10 years ago in my right eye for a retinal detachment. On our summer tour the telltale symptoms repeated themselves in my left eye. I've been hoping to avoid major surgery but it is clear that it must be done. My emergency surgery will include a healing process of laying face down for a number of days with a gas bubble in my eye."

Carla added: "This is the first time in fifteen years i won't be able to join my friends on stage but right now my health and sight take precedence for me. While I am gutted that I cannot make the tour the risk of me waiting till after a tour to do such a surgery is too great and includes permanent vision loss. The beauty of having two vocalists is that Heidi can cover for me until i'm better!

"Hoping to make it out for part of this euro run...go to the shows, have a blast and support my bandmates for me! I'll see you soon!"

In the comments section, Shepherd voiced her support for her then-bandmate, writing: "Sending all the love and healing. We'll hold down the fort while you heal. We need those beautiful eyes to work!!! Love you!"

BUTCHER BABIES' three-week European tour is scheduled to conclude on August 17 at the Czech Republic's Rock Of Sadská festival.

This past January, Harvey and ANTHRAX and PANTERA drummer Charlie Benante announced that they were officially engaged.

BUTCHER BABIES released a double album "Eye For An Eye..." and "…'Til The World's Blind", in July 2023. The double album celebrates the tenth anniversary of BUTCHER BABIES' critically acclaimed debut, "Goliath", released on July 9, 2013 via Century Media Records.

BUTCHER BABIES' previous album, 2017's "Lilith" was produced by Steve Evetts (THE DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN, SEPULTURA, SUICIDE SILENCE) and marked the band's recording debut with drummer Chase Brickenden, who replaced Chris Warner in 2016.

In July 2019, longtime BUTCHER BABIES bassist Jason Klein announced his departure from the band. He has since been replaced by Ricky Bonazza.

[emmieblueeyes]

Let me introduce you to my inner voice. She is one serious bitch! She's cruel, violent and she hates me.

At my worst moments of failure and personal recognition of lameness, she is there to cast a shadow over me. She tells me that I am disgusting. She tells me that I am a mistake. That I am ugly and that no one would miss me. She twists harmless comments made by the people in my life into cruel proof that if I was to die today, people would move on. She tells me I am a coward. She tells me everybody, especially me would be better off if I wasn't here.

She makes me cry. She also makes sense to me. I know her, she's been around for a long time and I secretly believe she's right.

Positive mental health has been made into a morbidly obese happiness eater. People are applauded and heralded as positive role models when they tell you on various media platforms how to keep smiling, how to chase your goals, how to be happy in spite of your traumas, and road rage at traffic. Most of all, these welfare and mental health gurus tell you various steps on how to have a positive or solution focused mindset that will eradicate the toxic inner voice.

I am going to a funeral tomorrow. For a client that I cared about and I want to honour them. I work in social work. I bought a dress. My boyfriend asked to see pictures that he could look at from across a different time zone. The evening descended into chaos. Seven months ago I was 24 stone. I am now 17 stone. I wasnt always big. Five years ago, I had a wonderful body that I wasn't grateful for and judged. I used to wear dresses everyday. Now I rarely wear them because my big belly and tree trunk calves cause me to wince and so I wear clothes that are strategic in what they highlight and hide. I go to the gym every day. I have cut out wheat, sugar and I live in calorie deficit. It works. Week on week, I lose pounds, small and great. But when I wear the dress, there is still mounds of fat everywhere. I can't send any photos to my boyfriend. He's not going to be turned on by my morbidly obese backside and bouncy castle physique. I am not turned on by it. I have another 7 stone to lose to be at my target. I look terrible in the dress. I look terrible full stop. I look as large as I did at 24 stone. I don't look normal, I look like an eye sore.

That's when the bitch serves me her best hits. She unleashes such torment that I want to die. I truly want to close my eyes and not wake up. I don't think I would really be missed for long. I am a blimp. Remembered and then forgotten. Not truly needed by anyone that couldn't replace me. I am temporarily suicidal. Seriously and not.

I say this as someone who not only works in mental health but as a trainee therapist about to qualify this year.

Good mental health is not the absence of toxic thoughts or never having a desire to die or to hurt yourself. It is the ability to know how to make sure that you around tomorrow and the day after. To continue even with a bitch throwing shade. To try again, even when you believe her. Good mental health is being able to hold a state of hope and hopelessness - waiting for the choas to quieten and move towards a kinder reasoning.

I want media platforms to talk more about the bitch. Maybe if we talked more honest about her and her long-term stay in our own lives, more suicidal thoughts would stay temporary, and we wouldn't hide this bully so effectively. We could help each other wait it out. Like strangers at the bus stop during a storm. We talk, and we joke because together, it feels a little less shit and the bus seems to get there quicker.