#hopestillcontinues

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I don't know how it feels to be loved, i wouldn't ever know what to do when I'll be loved...but I guess I for once want to feel what it is to be like a human, with emotions, in the arms of someone I wouldn't dare to leave or think of leaving my whole life, even if it's for a fraction of second...but I want to know is it true what it's shown in movies and novels...the love? The rush you feel when the love touches your lips? The burn you feel in your heart that leads straight to put your skin and you on fire?... I for once want to feel that... But then I'm afraid too...to feel that what if it will turn out like.... first we want to get noticed and then to be remembered... First I want to find that feeling and then want it to be with me? I'm scared and afraid that's why I'm okay the way I'm .... alone...in my own thoughts... better off without anyone... Too hard to give up on emotions for someone when first they are grown in the heart... Better to never have them rather than burying them... Almost all my life I found one thing that's true blood calls blood...and it's almost truly sure the women in our house had always a messed up personal life... Curse followed me too...or let's just say i ain't cursed... I'm the curse... Never really got a chance at happiness... Always had complexity never simple... And i love life at it's full complexity no regrets just that... Wouldn't mind if I was given a chance too at a happy life with someone who would have loved me till the end... Who would've taken me in the arms... And the love would have touched me on the lips....

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I write so that I don't forget what I feel right now ever... I want to make this stupid heart and brain to remember every single detail of the pain, happiness, sadness that's occuring in my life... Judging by the looks of my life right now... I don't think I would be as humane, having emotions, as I'm now... In the near future... So to remind myself that I once was human, I felt... Once... I'll keep these writings as a souvenir of my human life ...

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For the first time I'm scared to write about my sadness... I don't want to accept what's happening in reality... I'm not at a place where my dad wants me to be..

I'm failing again and again and again...

I'm not at a place where I want to be because circumstances aren't allowing me to be there...

I'm failing in my personal and professional life both and I have not even the faintest idea what's right or wrong... What should be done or left... Everything seems like a paradox... Plans failing... Goals unachieved... Now the standards cannot be lowered they are set too high to break down at a low point...

Why isn't the universe taking my gratitude? I can't breathe... And all I have to do is smile and smile through my pain... It aches... Now I think it would have been better if I would have wanted to stay low... Common dreams... Simple things... Simple life...

I don't want them to see me breaking neither I want them to get broken... That's I think what happens when you put your trust in a person like me...

I feel, I have ruined this life for myself... I cannot have what I want and I'm not getting what I should get... All I have right now are empty hands...

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Obliterated, annihilated, devastated... How good it feels that how much life can be given to the live (living) by the evil words...

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That's why evil=live

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You know winter makes me feel alienated when it was my solace some years ago... Only because of him... I guess that's the price you pay to make memories... Memories of the agonizing past...

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I told myself innumerable times... But I can't do anything except remembering the past