#how do you have so much nervous energy in the 30s and never think

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

the one Random Tiny Detail in the MCU that will never cease to bug me is that line. “you used to put newspaper in your shoes”. ....aS SOMEONE WHO IS 23 YEARS OLD AND WEARS A KIDS SIZE 2. Steve. Honey. Sweetie. Why newspaper. The ink will ruin your socks, it itches, it wears out almost immediately and also shoe inserts are??? so easy to sew custom to your needs (ie, making big shoes fit smol feets)... like it was the 1930s, the “guy buying and selling rags out of a cart on the street” was common enough to be a LITERAL FILM AND ANIMATION TROPE, Steve my man my dude my fellow Rage-Filled Tiny Irish Trans Boy, go out to the rag man, buy some rags, and sew some shoe inserts that will last you more than five hours. srsly fabric inserts have MONTHS if not YEARS of life, can be repaired, and don’t even require a pattern. Can... can Steve Rogers not sew. ESPECIALLY taking the trans boy hc into account, wHY DID HE GROW UP IN THE 30s AND NOT LEARN TO SEW. WHO IS FIXING THE STRAPS AND SEAMS ON HIS ARMY KIT. BC THAT SHIT TEARS. STEVE YOU ARE FROM THE NINETEEN FUCKING THIRTIES PLEASE LEARN TO SEW A FUCKING SHOE INSERT

[copias-juicebox]

It's a Sin Chapter 3

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Pairing: Cardinal Copia x fem! Reader Words: 5050 Genre: romance, angst, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort, SLOWBURN Warnings: in this chap: very sad and pathetic cardi, implied bullying whole fic: explicit languge, violence, abuse, age gap, smut (in the upcoming chapters blabla) Notes: we once again hit the 5000 words guys. I am kinda happy with this chapter I can feel myself improve with every sentence. Leave a heart in the comments to give Cardi a very needed hug to comfort the poor old man. And as always interactions are appreciated.

As the sun's first rays shone through your window, you slowly stirred awake. Sleepily you turned around in your soft bed until you realized where you were and you opened your eyes, your heart rate increasing with each passing second. You checked your phone on the bedside table for the time and instantly relaxed when you saw it was about 5:30 in the morning. You still had about 2 and a half hours before you were required in the infirmary to get introduced to your workplace in the ministry.

You fell back down into your pillows and took a deep breath. Today would be the first day that you were officially starting your job. It was all still quite outlandish to you. Your mind was racing once again, the same thoughts and doubts dashing through your head as last night when you desperately lied awake in your bed for countless hours before sleep finally took pity on you and took you in.

You had tried to not think about the day too much, but with yesterday's events and the information of your new boss being something like a “satanic pope” made you feel uneasy, and you were unsure what to make of it all. After all, you were going to spend the night under the devil's roof, and you hoped and prayed to God that he would protect you. The question lingered: would he actually do so? Would he not punish you for turning your back on him like this? Would he forgive you for your sins and connections to the devil? These worries plagued you all night, and unfortunately resulted in only 4 hours of sleep.

On the other hand, you felt unusually well?

You decided to leave the warmth of your covers and start your day with a refreshing shower. Once you stepped under the hot stream of water you felt your muscles relax. Up until now you had not realized how tense you were and how good the warm water running down your spine was. You washed your hair and body, contemplating your encounter with Papa and the Cardinal on the top of the stairs yesterday. Papa was so intriguing. He had a very intense energy that was surprisingly not off putting in any way. But you were going to tread lightly around him. Hannah had warned you about him, and you wondered if he was committed to the devil, if he had granted him clandestine powers. That would explain his extraordinary aura. Nonetheless, you could not deny deep down inside of you he was fascinating. You were sure it was not an attraction, no. You could never feel attraction towards a Satan -worshiping man. You could not allow yourself to be misguided by his sinful demeanor. And then there was the other man. He appeared to be a bit more approachable to you — clumsy even. Not nearly as intimidating as Papa was to you. Thinking about the strange man with his pencil mustache and sideburns led your thoughts to wander again. The man with his black biretta and nervous smile seemed to be the opposite of Papa. He could barely look at you when he shook your hand. Maybe he had been in a serious conversation with Papa that you two interrupted and he was intimidated by his presence. You could not tell.

When you stepped out of the shower and wrapped yourself up in a blanket, your mind was back to the day ahead. The weight of responsibility made you nervous. You wanted to prove yourself. You wanted to show them you were capable of doing your job.

You should not have been surprised, but when you opened the door to get dressed, the scrubs were not white as you were used to but pitch black.

You took them out and put them on, smoothing out the fabric as you stood in front of the mirror now. They looked good on you, too, and you decided to go with some makeup to look a little less tired. Just a bit of foundation and eyeliner with mascara. Finally, you finished your look for the day by tying up your hair in a high ponytail.

One last look into the mirror and you tried to convince yourself you were ready for the day. “You got this, don’t worry. Everything will be fine” you murmured to yourself

A knock at the door indicated that Hannah was waiting for you outside and you knew that the time had come for you to leave the safety of your room and get started on your first day now.

You walked over to the door and opened it, revealing Hannah dressed in her habit looking at you with a big smile and warm eyes. “Good morning, sunshine. You look gorgeous, sis. How are you? You must be thrilled, right?”

“Good morning, Hannah. You look gorgeous yourself. You pointed to her. “I don’t know if thrilled would be the right word for how I am feeling right now. More like hysterical, maybe.” You half joked.

“Ah, nonsense you are going to be fine, girl, I know that.” She said, wrapping her arm around your shoulder and walking down the corridor. “Let’s go get some breakfast, and after that I will bring you to the infirmary to Sister Jane. She will explain everything to you and you can get used to the outline of our hospital wing.”

Arriving down in the dining hall, Sister Hannah led you straight to a group of brothers and sisters. Watching everyone gather in the dining hall dressed in their black robes and satanic accessories was somehow less intimidating than you would have expected. It made you nervous nevertheless to meet other satanic believers. Were they all going to be as easy going as Hannah had proved to be?

“Morning, everyone. This is our beloved new nurse. Say hello,” She turned to you. The group greeted you in unison and you said your morning greetings back, introducing yourself. As you sat down, one of the Brothers asked if you wanted some coffee. You nodded your head and he asked the next table if they could hand over their carafe.

When he poured the warm, steaming liquid into your cup, you stopped him halfway. “Oh not too much please, I like to fill half of it with milk actually.” You told him, extending a hand.

“So you mean you like to drink milk with a shot of coffee?” He joked and you laughed.

“Yes I can‘t deny that. But it is the way I like my coffee best, so what can I say?” You shrugged.

As breakfast went on you got to know everyone out of the small group a little better. There were 3 other sisters besides Hannah and two brothers. They all seemed to get along well and you found them to be quite ok too. All you needed was to be accepted and respected (and not chosen to be sacrificed should they decide you were not good enough.)

You brushed those thoughts away for now and tried to just socialize with everyone normally.

Around 30 minutes later, everyone was leaving for their work and jobs in the ministry and that was your cue to grab Hannah and ask her to show you the way to the infirmary.

“Alright, alright, love, no need to rush. It’s not far away really.” She assured you, walking you down the corridor and then to the left. A huge door came into view and you were walking straight to the heavily decorated threshold and pushed it open.

As you entered the dimly lit infirmary you noted the high ceilings and ornate embellished walls. Flickering candlelight casted eerie shadows on the walls and accentuated the tapestries depicting occult symbols alongside shelves laden with ancient medical tomes and arcane ingredients. The beds stood in rows on each of the long sides of the rectangular room with crimson bedding and black curtains to ensure privacy if needed. Despite the unsettling atmosphere, an aura of quiet comfort envelops the space.

As you were too absorbed with the room’s ambiance, you didn’t notice an older Sister coming your way, halting and asking if she could help you.

“Sister Ana, this is our new support on the medical team.” Hannah said as she introduced you to the senior nurse.

“Oh thank Satanas, finally. I am so happy you are here to help.” Sister Ana cheered, embracing you in a warm hug. You hugged her back politely and she released you beaming at you.

“Sister Ana is our only nurse here since Sister Elizabeth retired last year.” Sister Hannah informed.

“Ah, I see. You must have been super stressed then, Sister Ana.” You replied, understanding Ana’s great delight of your presence.

“Come on Sister, I will show you where everything is and introduce you to the Ghouls.” Sister Ana ushered you further into the room, eager to have you on her team now.

The older nurse spent the morning introducing you to the hospital wing of the ministry. She explained to you where to find all the necessary items, ranging from basic items to treat a patient with a simple cold, to more specialized equipment for more severe cases, from severe burns or cuts that might even require some operations to contagious diseases and other serious illness.

At one point, an older man wearing slightly worn off Papal makeup and an older woman stood in the door of the infirmary, and Sister Ana asked you to go to the back room and get her a basket she had prepared for Papa Nihil. The makeup on that man's face was indicating him to be of high status within the ministry, and you tried not to let him wait for too long. When you came back with the basket, the old man looked you up and down with curious eyes.

“My my, who is that young lady, Sister?” He asked Ana, to which she proudly answered:

“This is the newest member of my team.” She introduced you to Papa Nihil and Sister Imperator.

“What a pleasure to see our community growing, and with capable people, too.” He smiled, not even hiding his apparent liking towards you.

You were not sure, but he appeared to like you, and you were very pleased to see that a high-ranking member of the ministry seemed to be happy with you (even though you did not do anything to prove you were capable so far). You literally just carried a basket from one room to the next!

The woman next to the man appeared not as friendly as the old guy. She wore a stern expression the whole time and did not even introduce herself to you. You brushed it off for now since you did not want to judge a book by its cover, but you were feeling that she was not as gleeful to your presence as Papa Nihil was. You were glad the two left after that.

As time went on and the day was nearing noon, it got impossibly hot outside. The sun shone mercilessly and the summer heat was palpable. On one hand, you were very lucky that the infirmary was on the backside of the ministry facing away from the sun and kept the whole room at a decent temperature, but on the other hand, you were getting overrun by Sisters and Brothers suffering from dehydration and sunstrokes. By 4 pm, the infirmary was packed and all beds were occupied. Sweat was running down your forehead and Sister Ana was as equally stressed as you.

About an hour later, Ana told you to take a break and you finally had time to breathe for a few minutes as many of the Brothers and Sisters seemed to feel well enough to retire to their rooms and sleep off the rest of their exhaustion.

You decided you would walk one of the Sisters you’ve met earlier at breakfast to her room since she was still swaying from left to right when she got up and then quickly grab something to eat for you and Ana from the kitchen (as none of you had time to go to eat lunch earlier).

The Cardinal was running around the ministry from left to right for 5 hours now, pulling at the collar of his robes to let some air meet his chest. He was supposed to check in with the Ghouls this morning, making sure they were doing their soundchecks properly. When a problem with the electricity turned up, it was also his job to get it fixed somehow. The scorching heat was wearing him down as the clock struck 2 and he was still far from finishing his duties today. Terzo asked for Copia’s help in translating another Latin text for the next Sunday mass and Papa Nihil was requesting his presence in his office— the latter scaring him as Papa Nihil was relentless when it came to Copia. Whatever the Cardinal did never seemed pleasing to Nihil, making him put in more effort the next time. He felt his head pound, running his tongue over his dry lips as he walked down the corridor to Papa Nihil's Office. Once he was done with whatever Papa had planned for him, he would get a momentary break and maybe he could figure out what that new nurse was up to in her free time.

After you successfully escorted Sister Rose to her chambers, you quickly made your way to the kitchen to ask for some leftovers from lunch. You were just on your way back to the infirmary rounding the corner as you nearly bumped into another individual crossing your path. You both managed to react in time to not actually knock each other off the ground but the other person stumbled over his own feet, his cheeks turning a slight shade of pink that contrasted his pale complexion. He caught himself and reluctantly looked at you, sweat apparent on his face.

“Oh Sorella I.. I am sorry I was not looking..” The Cardinal stammered, gaze falling back to his feet as if it was too much for him to actually look at you for a second too long.

“No worries, Cardinal. I was not paying attention either.” You prompted, trying to ease his obviously anxious mind.

He hurriedly tried to move past you but you both tried to get out of the way of one another and shuffled from left to right at the same time, making the situation somewhat awkward and comical until you both stopped.

You started laughing heartily and he glanced up at your bashful smile as he joined in with a shy chuckle of his own.

“Corner-collisions happen to the best of us,” you exclaimed and the still-flustered Cardinal managed a small smile of gratitude.

Your easy going demeanor put the Cardinal at ease a little as you grabbed him by the shoulders carefully and moved his body past yours as you rotated on the spot.

“There we go, Cardinal.” You flashed him a warm smile and he started to shift on the spot seemingly not knowing what to say he mumbled another barely audible apology. His face was even redder now, making you worry.

“Cardinal, forgive me if I am being nosy, but have you been drinking enough today? You look a little pale, and I am sure you have already heard, but today seems to have taken a toll on the members of the ministry. I would hate for you to suffer from dehydration as so many others have,” you pleaded with him, worry lacing your voice.

“Y..Yes Sister yes.. I have. I. I.. uh.. I just have to be in Papa Nihils office as soon as possible, yes..” he muttered, earning a raised eyebrow from you.

“You should also not overwork yourself, Cardinal. Please make sure to take a break every now and then.” You warned him, pressing the back of your hand to his forehead to feel his temperature.

“Oh dear, you are hot.” You exclaimed shocked, resulting in Copia’s face to heat up even more hearing those words said to his face by such a beautiful human being. Copia knew you were talking about his temperature, but he could not help himself as the butterflies in his stomach seemed to rampage.

The Cardinal was not used to being treated so kindly and with so much care. All his life he had been used or made fun of. So, he put all his energy into his career and his job since he was a boy. He was a very hard working man. That was what grounded him in this harsh world.

“Uh, I am sorry… I mean you are burning up.” You interrupted his thoughts and let your hands fall back to your sides. “You should probably follow me to the infirmary so I can check on you properly, Cardinal.”

He shook his head. “No no no sorella, I cannot. Papa awaits me in h..his office, yes.” He gestured to the other end of the corridor. “I am fine Sister, do not worry, no.. no I am fine, yes.” He objected, turning around but you grabbed his arm effectively turning him back to face you.

“Cardinal please. I worry for you.” You countered.

Copia blushed immensely and for the first time he stared back into your eyes. Was this real? Or was he imagining things? That beautiful thing in front of him just told him she worried for him. He was fully aware she was likely just doing her job, but it made him squeal inside. “I..I am terribly sorry, sister. I will come to the infirmary after I have spoken to Papa, sí?” With these words he turned around once more and left you staring after him with concern. You hoped he was right. That he was feeling better than he let on.

Cardinal Copia’s mind was reeling. Right now he was only acting on instinct and that meant he ran. Not physically but metaphorically he ran. He needed to breathe. The new Nurse had an effect on him he could not explain, nor understand. He was sweating and that was not just the heat outside catching up to him. He had never been the most extroverted person, that was common knowledge, but whenever he was around you he was just utterly lost and nervousness ate away at him to the point that he felt stupid. And yet he still yearned for your presence. To be as close as possible to the almost painful heat that burned inside of him in your company. It confused the Cardinal immensely until the moment he stood before Papa Nihil's office and knocked on the door twice.

Sister Ana still had not stopped praising you since you had returned to her with some lunch leftovers from the kitchen, claiming that you were the biggest blessing the ministry ever received. The slightly older woman had such a warm energy radiating off of her that you felt extremely comfortable and her kind words never failed to make you blush. The two of you sat in the backroom, now finishing up your meal and laughing as Ana divulged some gossip that had you cover your mouth with your hand.

“I tell you, sister, the other day Papa Nihil actually shit his pants during black mass.” She whispered over to you. “I sat behind him and he farted loud enough for everyone sitting around him to hear it. You could really see him shift around and hurry off with Sister Imperator behind him leaving for the restrooms.” Ana snorted, the rest of the sentence barely audible between her giggles.

Your laughing fit was interrupted when the heavy door to the infirmary was forcefully bashed open by one of the Ghouls. The loud bang resonated in the room and the two of you jumped out of your seats rushing to the main entrance of the infirmary. That’s when you spotted a Ghoul and a Sister, the Sister rushing forward to you. “Aether, put him on one of the beds. Sister Ana, please, the Cardinal needs help.” Only then did you understand the Ghoul was carrying a man. He was carrying the Cardinal in his arms. Before anyone could move, you were by the Cardinal’s side checking his temperature and preparing a bowl with fresh, cold water.

“The Cardinal was in Papa Nihil's office when he suddenly collapsed. Luckily Aether was there.” The sister explained.

“Okay, okay, calm down Sister Morgana.” Ana said, soothing the Sister’s nerves, glancing over to you as you swiftly worked around the Cardinal’s bed. She decided to step closer and have a look at the Cardinal herself.

“He likely collapsed due to exhaustion and the heat, Sister. I was afraid that was gonna happen.” You told her, the last part mostly mumbling to yourself. You knelt next to his bed and drenched a clean cloth in the bowl with cold water and started wiping it softly across his sweaty and pale face.

“I met him in the hallway on my way here and he looked sick. I felt his temperature and he was practically burning up. I asked him to follow me to the infirmary, but he refused saying he needed to speak with Papa Nihil. He showed signs of dehydration and exhaustion but he was adamant to visit Papa Nihil first.” You explained to her, your voice lightly going up as the thought of him placing his duties before his health angered you.

Sister Ana watched carefully as you gently took care of the Cardinal. “I think the Cardinal is in good hands, Morgana. You should go back to report to Papa Nihil. The Cardinal should be fine. We will find out more once he wakes up.” The older nurse pointed out, bringing the now relieved sister back to the entrance door of the infirmary.

It took about an hour for the Cardinal to regain consciousness, a sense of disorientation settling in. The first thing he noticed was the sterile smell. Fatigue weighed heavily on his body, every movement an effort. It felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach and he weakly tried to sit up on the bed. With a dry throat and parched lips, he pieced together that he must have pushed himself too far this time. His body refused him and must have collapsed. His foggy mind struggled to untangle the events that had led him here. He should have listened to you. He should have listened to his body instead of ignoring all the warning signs. Tentative thoughts of missed tasks and nearring deadlines clouded his mind. He could not afford to pass out like that. The ministry and Papa relied on him. His thoughts ate away at him and Copia tried to push himself off the bed just to stumble and sway on the spot. His hands shot up to his head as a piercing pain shot through his skull.

It took you barely three seconds to cross the room and catch the Cardinal before he could fall. Your hands wrapped around his lanky frame, securing him in place and giving him more stability while he stood.

„Cardinal, please. What are you doing? You need to sit down!“ you ordered, gently pushing him back down on the bed.

„O.. Oh Sorella.. wh.. what is all this fuss about? I‘m fine,“ he says with a wince, clutching his head.

„Oh, you are not. You can barely stand with my help.“ you scolded him.

Copia glanced at you with a sharp look of bitterness and sorrow in his eyes. He hated to be seen as weak, even though he was. When he didn‘t answer, your eyes found his and the frown on your face was replaced by a look of worry and pity. He looked so fragile as if he was about to cry. All you wanted was to hold him and tell him it was going to be alright.

„Do you remember what happened after we met in the corridor and you went to Papa Nihil's office?“ you prompted softly, not trying to sound angry and starting to feel his temperature again.

Copia struggled in thought, the events after his near crash with you in the corridor hazy and blurred. „I uh… I remember a meeting.. a meeting with Papa Nihil.. yes. After that I don‘t know. What happened, sorella?“ he asked, afraid to hear something embarrassing.

You retrieved the thermometer from him, noting that his temperature seemed to be nearly back to normal, just slightly higher than it‘s supposed to be. „Well, I am not too sure. I wasn‘t there, but you collapsed in Papa Nihil's office, apparently.“ you shrugged, gaze softening when he averted his eyes staring at his feet, looking crushed. Taking in his defeated form, you sighed.

„You know I was not kidding when I saw you in the hallway, Cardinal. You looked.. how do I say this..?“ You tried to find the right words to not sound bitter and mean. Copia‘s eyes found yours again, afraid to hear the poisonous words you surely were going to spit into his face. How he looked like an ugly rat that was about to die soon and that it would have probably been for the best if he‘d just perish. But by now he was used to this. It hurt. It really fucking hurt each time, and it should not affect him anymore, but hearing these things from you would probably blow him off completely. You were the last person in the ministry he wanted to appear weak to. Life for sure was never going to get easier.

„Argh, you know I was so worried for you. You looked so pale that for a moment I was sure you were a ghost.“ you chuckled at the ridiculousness of your own words. „I am amazed you even made it to Nihil‘s office at all.“ you told him honestly.

Your words had an impact on him that he didn‘t expect. They were not harsh and neither were they laced with bitterness or hate. Two feelings people around him never ceased to show him throughout his entire, miserable life.

You grabbed his gloved hand into your own and held it, softly brushing your thumb over it. „You must promise me one thing, Cardinal. Please take care of yourself.“ The Cardinal was momentarily struck by lightning. At least to him it felt like that. He was completely and extremely overwhelmed by your words and actions. You held his hand, brushing his with your thumb. Oh how he wished he was not wearing his gloves today. He imagined how it felt to have your soft, delicate fingers on his own hands. Skin on skin. Your touch had his brain short circuiting. And when your words had made it into his brain, he was sure he must be levitating. You cared for his well being. The thought alone nearly made him tear up. He blinked away the wetness in his eyes so you wouldn‘t notice and cleared his throat.

The moment your hand made contact with his gloved hand you saw something. A picture of a black leather glove, wet but warm to the touch flashed through your eyes. But as fast as it had come it went and you froze for a moment.

„Sí sí, sorella, I will from now on. Thank you for your care. Can I go now? Secondo was going to send someone with a few papers to my office. I‘d like to see if they arrived, yes?“ Copia was eager to get up. His mind rushed back to the things he was supposed to finish today.

A hand on his chest pushed him back down. „You are going nowhere for now. Have you not been hearing what I just said Cardinal?“ you questioned, impatience in your voice.

„N..No I mean yes, sí sorella, I did, but I am feeling much better already, you see.“ He grabbed your hand and put it on his forehead. „No more fever, yes?“

His silly actions made you laugh out loud. This man could not be serious right now.

„You are staying here. No going anywhere, you hear me?! Nurses orders!“ you commanded with authority in your voice, successfully rendering Copia speechless.

Sister Ana called you to assist her in the backroom and you turned your back towards the Cardinal, heading to the door that connected the two rooms. As soon as the Cardinal was left alone he tried to get up and sneak his way out of the infirmary without getting caught. He nearly made it but unfortunately the heavy metal doors squeaked when he tried to push them open and you were standing behind him in an instant with a stern expression. After he‘d been brought back to his bed, you informed him that he was going to have to stay the night in the infirmary to make sure he was not suffering from any late consequences of him collapsing. He did hit his head on the floor after all, and you and Sister Ana both agreed to keep him here for the night under supervision.

As the sun set, the halls of the ministry grew increasingly quieter. Everyone was retiring to their respective quarters and the Cardinal felt he was sleepy. It took him a few minutes to fall into a deep slumber.

When he awoke again, it was in the middle of the night. The room was dark, just a candle flickered in the far end of the room. Now was his chance. He just had to be quiet and remember that the left door squeaked so he needed to open the right side.

Before he could completely sit up on the mattress, your voice startled him and he jumped up, turning around.

„Lay down!“ you insisted. „Don‘t even think about it.“ You sat coolly in a chair, flipping through an old book of ritualistic healing, from one of the shelves, not even bothering to look up at him. As fast as he sat up, he was lying down again, staring up at the ceiling, mind swirling around you and your gratefulness until eventually sleep claimed him again.

Taglist:

@hauntedlover03 @adinferix @ghostfangirlsweden @fishwithtitz @pinksweetsxtan

[dragjunkie23]

Goth Night, Pt 3

After the previous evening’s activities, Sam and (Y/N) along with Dean are forced to jump into action to help solve this case

Fluff, Mentions of Smut. Minors DNI

I awoke the next morning to the smell of bacon. “The fuck…” I thought, then I remembered last night’s events. Was Sam actually cooking breakfast?

I looked over to my alarm clock that said “9:30 am.” This is actually the longest I have gotten some sleep. I usually would wake up in the middle of the night, but this time…I didn’t.

Getting up, I put on some sweatpants and one of my night shirts. It was a little chilly out today but being in Sam’s embrace the entire evening definitely helped out matters. I shuffled into my kitchen to see Sam with just some boxers on frying up the bacon in my pan. It definitely was a sight to behold. Nothing was hotter than a man who knew how to cook.

He turned to see me standing by the frame and gave me a smile. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” I said, walking over to him and wrapping my arms around his waist. I would go up further to give him a little kiss on the cheek, but my tiny ass is never gonna reach there.

He continued to cook, the bacon in the frying pan smelling more good as time went on. “Normally I’m not one for bacon,” he said, “But, it was that and eggs in the fridge, so…”

“What’s usually your go to?” I asked.

“Smoothies.”

“What kind?”

“Sometimes with kale…”

“Oh dear Lord. You’re one of those health nuts, aren’t you?”

He chuckled a little bit. “Is that a problem?”

“No, it’s just…most hunters I have met don’t eat very well. I think for them, they turn to food for comfort.”

I sat down at the dining table, pouring myself some orange juice as Sam finished up. He bought over the bacon and eggs to the table in little bowls for us to scoop up when we wanted. “I’ve noticed it as well. I guess…doing more active things like going for morning runs provides me that chance to just relax.”

“Well, it’s better than what I do.”

“What do you do?”

“Blast the most angsty and angry music out there, singing along and just violently dancing around my room.”

Sam laughed, probably picturing the image. “How does one ‘violently dance?’”

“Did you not notice some of the goths at the club last night?” I asked.

“Nope. Was too focused on you.”

I just rolled my eyes but I also felt my face heat up. “Smooth. Well anyways…sometimes the way we dance, it’s either more elegant or getting all that energy out. At the end of the day, it’s about expression. To many people it seems very weird, but in a way…it’s relaxing. It allows us to just be free and not worry about how others perceive us.”

“I have noticed you doing the more elegant moves,” he said “It did confuse me a bit, not going to lie.”

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” I chuckled.

As we continued our breakfast, we just talked more. We already broke a majority of the ice last night in the bedroom so the conversations was definitely following a lot better. I can tell Sam was a bit more relaxed and was starting to open up more to me. He told me more about why he usually doesn’t date around, and it’s not just because he’s a hunter. Any woman that has wanted him and he wanted has died in some way.

It broke my heart to hear that, knowing that these monsters knew a way to get to Sam. He admitted that he was nervous on getting close to me, but once he realized that I was someone who had knowledge of the hunter’s life and knew how to defend myself, he knew it was safe.

“You just seem like the type to hold your own,” he said.

“Well, I certainly hope so, or all that training my father did would’ve been for nothing,” I chuckled.

_________________________

“You were right. It’s an Incubus.”

Shortly after breakfast, Dean called Sam and asked him to come back to their motel room. I tagged along as I wanted to know what was going on. Dean pretty much confirmed my suspicions the moment I walked in the door.

“Fucking knew it,” I said, “What confirmed it?”

“Well…after I left the two of you to do…whatever, I wounded up going home with this chick and she was friends with one of the ladies who was abducted. She said that the guy looked like her type…and by that I mean he looked like her dead husband but with some different features.”

“Jesus Christ,” I said, “At least we know what we’re dealing with…”

“Um…who is this…we?” Dean said.

“You and Sam…and me?”

“She really wants to help,” Sam said, “And well…she’s pretty much a walking encyclopedia of the lore with this amount of knowledge.”

Dean just looked at me up and down before a grin spread on his face. “Well, we can’t turn down a lady friend of Sammy’s now.”

“Dean,” Sam growled.

“What? I think it’s great you got someone! She’s hot AND a hunter!? Dude…”

My face heated up in embarrassment, but a part of me was also kind of happy that I at least had Dean’s approval.

“Don’t call her hot…”

“Fine…she’s attractive. Happy?”

“Whatever…just cut it out. She’s clearly embarrassed.”

I chuckled. “Don’t worry. I know how older brothers can be. However, we have an Incubus to track down. Let’s get it before it gets any more women.”

[amtrak12]

Hey hi! I read your Helena Wells meta earlier, from ten years ago, and I found it so interesting and spot on, and at the end you were so sad that you felt like you didn't have a good grasp on the character - do you feel that has changed, since then? And if so, how? Or, what do you think of Helena these days?

(the meta you posted and linked here: https://www.tumblr.com/purlturtle/736985181321314304/your-helena-tangent-got-me-thinking-and-yes-this )

Oooo fun and deep questions! :D Thank you!!

Obviously, that was 2.5 high schools ago so I had to reread my original meta to refresh my memory. My first thought is: OMFG LEARN PARAGRAPH BREAKS!! O_O But then, as I kept reading and saw how many spaces were missing after periods and how the sentences after the missing space read like a new paragraph -- my second thought is, I think Tumblr did me dirty at some point in the last 10 years of formatting changes and I actually did use appropriate paragraph breaks originally. Rude. -_-

But on the point of your actual questions! lol

I don't remember writing that exact post, but being nervous and uncertain about my Helena characterization does ring a bell. I was DEFINITELY more confident in analyzing/meta-ing Myka or Pete (if it was in relation to Myka). HG made me nervous and that was only like 10% because she's British and I'm American.

Some of my uncertainty probably came from my lack of historical knowledge (which has not improved. Fun fact: this is why I nearly never invented an artifact for fic). A not-insignificant portion of my uncertainty probably also came from how confident the rest of the fandom spoke about Helena. It seemed like she was meta-ed more often and by more people than Myka was. (Which makes sense as -- in general -- Helena was/probably still is the more popular character in the B&W ship.) I don't remember ever feeling like someone was way off base or out of character with Helena, but I do remember reading meta/fic sometimes and struggling to decide if I disagreed with a character trait/action that the person assigned her or if it was an accurate aspect of Helena's character that I hadn't internalized yet.

Basically I had Opinions about how Myka (and Pete for that matter) should be written and definitely noticed when a fic disagreed with me. But figuring out HG was like the wild west to me and I could never pin her down with firm barriers on who her character is and isn't.

I am very, very rusty on my Warehouse 13 knowledge because it's been nearly a decade since I was deep in my analyzation of the show. So, I wouldn't say I have a better grasp on Helena's characterization today than I did in 2014. But there are some aspects I feel like I could understand better if I took the time to rewatch and meta.

Loss of a child -- look I don't have children, but I do have niblings now that I adore. I'm also raising a dog who taught me I do not have the energy or anxiety coping mechanisms to raise a human child, because worrying about her almost does me in on its own. And I'm in my mid-30's now and seem to have a better understanding of parent-child relationships (or I'm at least way more interested in exploring them now, both from the view of the child and the view of the parent). So, exploring Christina's death and just how much that affected Helena would absolutely be on my list of deep-dives. I never ignored this before, but I'm certain I could pull more out of this backstory today than I could've in 2014.

Helena's guilt -- I started rambling at the end of that post about which things Helena felt guilty about and whether she felt guilty at all. As far as I remember, I usually wrote her as feeling some measure of guilt for her past actions. (Although I was also usually writing full AU settings so it was a moot point.) But I also wasn't wrong when I pointed out how she didn't show any obvious signs of regret over her S2 actions, unless it was something that had hurt Myka. If I was going to go back and meta WH13, I would explore this topic deeper for sure.

Interestingly, it's not something I could've explored deeper prior to 2022-ish. But now I've watched the series Lucifer which deals entirely with guilt and has a protagonist with shut down emotions who doesn't regret things and then, through incremental changes over 6 seasons, opens up, learns to feel every emotion again, unpacks a lot of shit etc. And I have been FASCINATED by how the writers pulled that off, because on the surface it is not a show (or a protagonist) that I should care about. (And if I had watched it from ep 1.01 instead of completely ass backwards, I wouldn't have cared about him.) BUT I DO CARE! And I want to know how they pulled off Lucifer's character arc. And then I want to use some of the techniques they used to explore guilt and pain and apply them to Helena to see what emerges in her character. Because I think it would be really interesting.

And then finally, I'm not sure I have anything new to bring to the conversation around what Helena's future with the warehouse and/or happy ending looks like. But I could also never make up my mind on what would work best for her. Does she return as an agent? Does she become a regent? (Probably not, but you never know.) Does she just become the live-in inventor who doesn't venture into the field unless absolutely necessary? I have absolutely no idea what her future with the warehouse would look like if a romantic relationship with Myka is her happy ending. (Which is my personal goal obviously lol).

Because -- and this is where my Opinions on Myka come into play -- our girl Myka Bering is not leaving that warehouse. Ever. She is the new Artie. She will take over as the lead agent when he retires/partially retires. And then she will die there. In South Dakota of old age (because I refuse to let her die on a mission). Pete? Oh, my boy Pete will meet an awesome lady and retire to be a stay at home dad. He'll walk away one day. Myka? Absolutely never. You're burying her at the warehouse. Which means Helena will have to have some kind of relationship with it again, and I would have to figure out what that looks like because both today and in 2014, I can't decide what option fits her best.

I hope this answers your question! It was so deep and I love it :D I just don't have new thoughts on WH13 yet because I haven't looped back around to a full blown obsession with it yet. (It will happen. Round 2 of BERING AND WELLS ARE THE BEST THING EVER will absolutely happen at some point in my life because that's how I roll and they are.) So this is less meta about how my thoughts on Helena have changed, and more about how my approach to her character would change given the experience I've gained in the last ten years.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK!

[strxbrymochi]

chapter 27. cutting class (office edition)

masterlist | previous | next

synopsis: when jeno took over his family's empire, yn was the last person he expected to see given their past. now, she's in a relationship with one of his best friends, and he's left wondering about "what could have been". surely working together wouldn't revive any unspoken thoughts. right?

warnings// none rlly

rest of written chapter after the line break;

word count: around 1k maybe (i didnt proofread this so gg HAHA)

"you're really insane you know that right?" you say, strapping in your seatbelt. "like, during work hours? what are we? uni students cutting class?" you couldn't believe you were here, sitting in jeno's car. in broad daylight. in the middle of a work day. and you weren't drunk or passed out. you were completely sober. sober enough to tell something was off.

"and you forget i'm the ceo, so i can do whatever i want." he says, smiling at you. you swear your heartrace sped up a bit. but maybe it was also just cause he started zooming out that parking lot and you were fearing your life. well, you knew it wasn't the car or his driving but yeah, let's go with that.

"where are you taking me?" you ask.

"a surprise isn't a surprise if i tell you y/n" jeno answers back. eyes never leaving the road other than occasional glances on you to check if you were still okay. you've been driving for 30 minutes now and you were getting antsy.

"just sleep." he says. "i'll tell you when we get there and you'll have energy to finish your report when we get back."

"we're getting back in time for that? what happened to the report can wait til tomorrow huh?" you challenge him.

"just sleep." he says, arm moving to turn on the radio and before you know it, you're drifting off to sleep.

"you can wake up now." jeno's voice brings you back to reality and you stir in your seat. eyes adjusting to the light, vision trying to process where you were.

"is that..?" you stutter.

"yup, welcome back." he says, getting out the car.

you follow him. "i thought bringing you down a little trip down memory lane would help you cheer up a bit. i didn't know how much of these places you've gotten to see since you got back since i give you a lot of work i don't know if you have time to go around but these always cheered you up back then so i thought i'd give it a try. so, tada, welcome back to snu!"

you smile at him. he's rambling, he's nervous. you weren't sure how pleased you were with the idea of going down memory lane to the places and times that made you fall in love with him all those years ago but he was trying, so you thought you'd give him a chance. after all, he was right. you haven't been back in a while, maybe nostalgia was good.

you both walk inside campus, and watch as the students walk past, just like you guys once did all those years ago before you moved to new york. you guys walk around, reminiscing about your university days.

"remember when jisung first started uni and he had just joined the group?" you start. "i swear he hid behind that tree and i could see him calming his breathing because he was so scared of you guys." you remember laughing. the two of you were sitting on a bench. one of the many places you and your friends used to hang out in between classes.

jeno laughs. "he was not scared."

"yes he was! he looked petrified" you say, recalling the thought of a first year jisung, nervous to meet his hyungs, who now happen to be his best friends.

"well how about that kid in professor choi's class, the stuck up kid. what was his name?"

"uhh dowoon? doyeon? i don't remember." you try thinking.

"yeah, him. remember when professor choi was asking lee seohun a question and he responded and embarrassed himself in front of the whole class," jeno says laughing.

you follow along, "i remember! i think professor choi said something along the lines of how we were all seated separately and he just went "cause i'm different and just that good" and the whole room went silent."

"that was a good time." he says, staring off into the field.

silence falls between you two, it's comfortable silence. not the type you have to be worried about. just the two of you, reminiscing about university, like old friends would.

"hey you wanna go somewhere else?" jeno asks.

"where would we go?" you ask him, curious.

"there's one more memorable place we haven't seen yet."

the two of you get to the beach right as the sun starts setting.

"it's gorgeous." you say, sighing out to the distance, not noticing the man staring at you when he responds "yeah, it is."

this was a memorable beach. it was where you and your friends had your outings. it was where they went to play beach volleyball or eat ice cream during the weekend. you would go there often to read, get some peace and hear the waves crashing to calm you down. this was your place. it was where you would run to when things get too much and jeno would often find you here, ready to bring you back home. this beach had a lot of memories. memories you cherished, and memories you wanted to erase. this was the same beach where jeno rejected you.

the truth was, he didn't reject you per se. you had gotten that offer to study in new york and you wanted to tell him. you've had all these feelings for him for the longest time and you thought you should tell him before you left, and so you did. you were willing to give it up if he told you too, that's how much you loved him. it's not wasy to confess to your best friend. he was your person, and you were his. it was a stupid idea really. but when he just stood there unable to speak and respond starting his sentence with "i'm sorry", that was all you needed to hear. you had never wanted to fly out and move away so badly. you left the next week.

"you're crying again." you hear him say softly next to you. you break out of your thoughts and quickly wipe the tears off your face. "oh, sand got in my eye." you say as an excuse even if you and him both know, it wasn't sand that got in your eye.

"i think we should head back." he says.

"yea i think we should." you reply back.

taglist: @n0hyuck @toodleeee @vianna99 @mark-geolli @polarisjisung @dinonuguaegi

[lastweeksshirttonight]

5, 16, 23 :)

5. TV Show of the Year -

Fun fact, I do not watch a whole lot of TV outside of late night and Last Week Tonight, hilariously enough. That being said, there were some really obvious standouts for me:

Taskmaster Season 16. Season 15 was great as well but I cannot, CANNOT say better things about the absolute chaos and sublime beauty of Season 16's cast. I was truly rooting for Julian all the way into the end of that series, and more than other series of the show, I genuinely had no idea what I was going to see next.

In that vein, Taskmaster New Zealand S1. Guy Williams plucking a violin string for what must have been 30 straight seconds while Paul's eyes dart around like he's in The Office is a Top 3 All-Time Greatest Taskmaster Moment.

Shiny Happy People. I watch a lot of documentary series when I watch TV - I like to learn things. Shiny Happy People stands above and beyond as the most horrifying, disturbing documentary show I've ever seen. Learning just how deep the rot goes in the Quiverfull movement and how the Duggar family encapsulates a particularly virulent strain of backwards thinking that's threatening to destroy the country through its political power was very enlightening to me.

I currently just started Poker Face, which 100% will probably land on my best list if it keeps up the energy of the first episode. Natasha Lyonne is an absolute treasure.

16. Post a picture from the beginning of the year

In keeping with everyone never seeing photos of me:

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

I'll be honest - this year is going to be rough. You're going to be put on medication for your anxiety and you're going to hate that you didn't do it sooner. You're going to have a nervous breakdown at work that changes your entire approach to life. You're going to get sober from alcohol and it's going to suck at first. Your car is going to have some issue with it for about 10 months of the year. Work is going to run you into the ground and you're going to feel hopeless about it.

But there's going to be so much joy in this year between the darkness. You're going to have a Taskmaster-themed birthday party that your friends and family adore. You're going to keep at this silly blog and find so many things to share with the world, and make even more new friends. You'll get closure on some things you never expected to have closed. You're going to be four months sober by the end of the year. Your partner is going to not only remain your rock, but truly show himself to be the love of your life. You're going to fly across the country during a hurricane watch to see John Oliver for the first time in ten years!

So keep your chin up. Also fix your windshield wipers.

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Oooh, ask game! I am also looking for distractions, yet cannot focus enough to get absorbed in anything, so let's go! (Obviously only answer as much or as little of this as you feel like):

I feel like I've read your answers to most of the actual asks before. Maybe not 🪄?

I'd love to request Bishova ficlets, but have no prompts to offer.

You mentioned reading up on experiences of recognizing one's orientation later in life - were there any stories that especially stayed with you, or any common threads that surprised you?

What to share any thoughts on Becca's post-US life?

Yes after I posted it I realized I may have posted it already. And yay distractions!

what is your post-writing/sharing aftercare? How do you take care of yourself or celebrate yourself when you've finished a fic?

Oh my gosh. Well Unpredictable Synchronicity has been my most popular fic by far so reading the comments and replying has been a nice way to fill their weirdness. It's definitely a big nervous energy! I do write my author's notes with random reflections and try to be reflect in how I grew with the fic.

You mentioned reading up on experiences of recognizing one's orientation later in life - were there any stories that especially stayed with you, or any common threads that surprised you?

This won't surprise anyone but there is a lot of shame around virginity which is awful. I was a bit of a late bloomer and didn't kiss anyone till my second semester of college (and then got mono/Epstein Barr from the first person I kissed, fucking classic) and I was very anxious about my sexual inexperience to the point that I had panic attacks (this was in a soup with US Evangelical Purity culture which I am a survivor of that - like 1. Why haven't I had sexual experiences am I unlovable and 2. If I have sexual experiences I am an unlovable monster)(lalala).

So I really like exploring virginity in my fics because it is so vulnerable and it's a lovely fun thing to write first times. The thing I learned when I was in my sluttier phase is that some people are better at kissing and sex than others and experience is not always a factor in that. ANYWAY! That's not what you asked.

So my favorite stories where very much like Steve's which were like "I never really let myself think about sex for (life reasons and/or because I was queer) and then I started yearning for it and was really nervous and now I feel really good about my sex life" - some of these people were 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 etc when they acknowledged that part of themselves, which is both very sad because usually it's because they were queer and closeted but also lovely they found this new source of joy! That's what I was looking for - examples of people who had for various reasons ignored their sexuality because that's how I pictured Steve and I wanted to see first hand examples of that.

I didn't want it to be like Bucky was so handsome he magically gave Steve a sexuality but more like Steve is finally in a place where he can go to a hierarchy of needs beyond survival, and also in a place where he can be more subconsciously comfortable acknowledging that he finds men attractive, and he starts to be curious about the sexual side of himself.

So to make sure I wasn't falling into that cliche I wanted to read about real people who had a similar arc.

Bucky is coincidentally nearby and very interesting to Steve as he starts to slowly realize his body maybe isn't just for fighting Nazis. I think if Bucky hadn't turned up Steve would have dated someone else and still come out of the closet because he was going down that rabbit hole.

Another trend is I wish more people had the asexual label available to them as many stories to me read as Ace (aka lots of stories like I am 40 and never had sex and honestly don't care or want to am I broken? No you aren't!). Like we need to acknowledge that sex is not the only interesting thing in life and it's really normal if people don't do it or rarely do.

Another trend is obviously lookism, and people saying they aren't conventionally attractive enough to attract a partner which is a whole thing I want to acknowledge but don't have the spoons to write about because waaaahhh the world sucks.

A last trend is sexual trauma. I have a friend who had a lot of severe sexual trauma and no interest in sex. Her first husband was asexual which was a great fit for her. But they divorced and now she is trying to find her place in that and her sexuality with a new partner who she is shocked to realize she wants to have sex with in her early 40s but her body is also terrified of sex so it's a whole thing.

Anyway, to me sex is like food. People build shrines to food and get really into it, and honestly I do not know why it's so boring. I fucking hate cooking and find eating a chore. Except when I don't. I occasionally enjoy a really good meal. I love Thai but don't really feel sad if I go a year without eating it.

So that is seen as fairly normal re: food, but people who feel a similar ambivalence towards sex are seen as really missing out and I think that is dumb.

This is a VERY long way of answering your question but those were some of the themes.

What to share any thoughts on Becca's post-US life?

I think Becca stays single for a long time. I kept trying to imagine her with different partners and none of them stuck. She has a great career and awesome friends and she and Bucky stay roommates and Bucky and Steve split their time between the Tower and Bucky's house for pretty much forever.

[tabletop-nightmare]

4, 8, 9, 28, 30 (weirdly specific artist asks)

:) Hi! 4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw - There are plenty of things I wish I was better at drawing at, that I would draw more if I thought my skills were up to par with what I imagine in my head (mostly cityscapes and backgrounds tbh when I do get a hankering I have so much fun). But right now in particular in the cyberpunk (Hollowpoint) campaign I'm in one of the pcs has a fucking mask that makes me want to commit crimes on their player. There is now a year long running gag about this man not fucking taking his mask off and how much easier its going to be for me to draw him once we see his face. I want to draw him more!!! I really do!! I love all of the pcs to death but like motherfucker, your mask (and hood tbh) is a nightmare stop.

8. What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in - I would be amiss to not bring up the Sburbia/Long Play tarot deck BUT its more like on hiatus, I'm just taking a big ol' break. Slowly been creeping through the swords so its still a work in progress just really slow now that most of the majors are out of the way. Other than that it's mostly animatics and animations. My animatics folder is called 'Animatics u will never do' because I realize most of the time I bite off more than I can chew. I've finished one (1) animatic and its the one that's pinned to the top of my blog. 9. What are your file name conventions - Haha. A mix. Sometimes snappy titles, sometimes just informational, sometimes just absolute garbage. Some favorites:

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines) - Eh. Do art shows in high school count? Does huevember count? I'm a little too nervous to be a part of a zine or zine like thing, plus I never seem to catch them in time, or think I'm good enough for them. 30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated - None of them :) I don't really have it in me to put stock in funny internet numbers anymore. My friends like what I make! Which is enough for me. I really just post my stuff here so I can scream about it into the internet void, get the energy out. But that's the really humble response so if I had to choose, probably the sburbia/LP tarot series or a few pieces I cooked up for Hollowpoint. But its not surprising since it's not fandom related art.

[anonniemousefics]

Dear Nonnie!

Being in my thirties, I am constantly tired, depressed, overworked and running on coffee and a strong desire to live another day because in the end of it I can finally go to sleep (to be woken a few too many times by a wee baby). Which is probably how all adults live. All that being said, my head is full of ideas, characters, scenes from the books and stupid shit like that. I am bot a writer, I actually love to paint. How do I find time and enough will to do something about that instead of just lie there on the bed at my free moments? How fanfic writers find the time to write all that awesome staff?

Please share advice and wisdom,

Your anonymous admirer, still alive.

PS. That scene in the prison cell in Fjorda between separated Inej and Kaz was hot as hell. Loved it. As all your others fics, obviously.

Dear Still Alive,

I love you! I AM you! Well, except for one key difference, which is that my baby is not so wee anymore. He’s in school now, which is a game-changer, trust me. Getting enough sleep at night just isn’t a thing I have to stress about anymore – and someday, that will be you again, too. It’s true! I know people like to tease parents and say, like, “Haha you’ll never sleep again,” but I promise they’re full of shit! You will have long, luxurious sleeps again, and when you do, I think you’ll find you have the capacity to do so much more than you are able to now.

So, first thing’s first: cut yourself some slack and give yourself some love. You should rest when you need to rest. The fact that you want to lie in bed today is not failure or poor time management. It’s very possible that you’re lying there on the bed because you NEED to lie there on the bed. You’re doing so much already!! The urge to lie down is a very real physical response to the super chaotic world we have to navigate, made all the more exhausting when you have small children, and it’s just as deserving of attention as hunger or thirst or any other physical need.

In fact, you’re not just allowed to rest, you’re encouraged to rest – that’s actually a vital part of the creative process! I have exactly zero ideas when I’m pushing myself and anxious and stressing myself out. Literally all of my ideas waltz in when I’m having a long shower, or I’m driving somewhere and I’ve got nothing better to do with my mind, or I’m trying to grab another fifteen minutes of shut-eye before the alarm goes off. None of the magic happens when I’m spread thin and I’m forcing myself to cram in 30 minutes of writing because I told myself I had to or I’ll never make it as a writer (which, believe me, I’ve tried this route and it’s nothing but pain and suffering all the way down. 0/10 stars, would not recommend).

So, here’s the switch I made for myself to help me to start to create again, and maybe you’ll find it useful, too. But be warned: it’s not a quick fix, and it’s actually taken a couple years of therapy to get here. Anyway, it’s this: I made a conscious decision to stop guilting myself and instead to trust myself. When I want to use my free time to rest, I rest. When I want to use my free time to read a bunch of fic or just scroll through Instagram reels, that’s what I do. I trust that my body’s giving me that urge for a reason, just like it does with hunger or thirst, and I try to pay attention to when it stops feeling like rest or fun. Because none of those things are inherently bad, you know? Do them. Enjoy them. We need them. Don’t guilt yourself over them – just try to notice when your brain makes the switch to “that’s enough.”

And then, after I did this for a while, something started to happen. As my nervous system got used to having its needs met – and I’m talking not just the basic ones like food and shelter, but like rest and connection and freedom from shame etc. – then I started to have more energy. I started to need less time to lie down. I started to have ideas again, and I started to want to do something with them, and not just in like a wistful “I hope to do this someday” kind of way, but in like a “This is what I’m going to do now and here’s when I will do it” kind of way. And it started little! It started so little, I cannot stress this enough! If the inspiration hits you to sketch a little scene on a napkin, that is still art!!! You are still an artist, and you practiced art in that moment, and you practiced it joyfully and authentically and you should celebrate that!!! Even, and maybe especially, if it doesn’t look exactly the way you pictured it in your mind (because chances are it never will). And then do it again!!! It’s like a muscle, and it will grow a little stronger every time you do.

And then here’s the other amazing thing that will happen, if you start practice art this way – just like how after you’ve stuck with a workout plan for awhile, you start to feel more energized after a good workout, the same thing start to happen when you’re able to create art authentically, joyfully, and without guilt. It becomes a form of self-care. And I can’t speak for all fanfic writers, but this is entirely why I do it. I work in moments to do it (a thing which is a hell of a lot easier to do now that my kid is in school), because when I do, I actually have more energy now, having gone through this growth process. A lot of the time (not all of the time, but a lot of the time) I actually feel more like myself than I would have if I’d spent time doing something else. It becomes its own reward – but before that can happen, it has to be treated like a reward, you feel me? And that means no guilt when you don’t have time or energy for it and lots of grace for yourself when you make mistakes and it doesn’t look the way you wanted it to.

So, I wish I could offer you like the perfect time management spreadsheet or like access to the secret nanny-swap service we all use (I wish), but, for better or for worse, it’s been my experience that the time and the will to do creative stuff comes with rest and a lot of self love and acceptance. And a kid that sleeps through the night. Sorry about that part. That part just comes with time.

Wishing you lots of coffee and peaceful nights.

Much love,

Nonnie

P.S. - I may or may not be working on a sequel to that one. (I am. It’s just taking awhile.)

[drivingsideways]

For the usual suspects @rain-hat​ and @elderflowergin​ and a not-suspicious at all anon :D

From Behind the Scenes of Fic Writing: 30 Questions for Authors

1. What was the first fandom and/or pairing that you wrote fic for?

This was a Draco/Hermione fic that I only shared with few friends via email! :))

2. Do you participate in any writing events or challenges throughout the year? If so, what do you like about them?

Unfortunately, no! Mostly because I am absolutely terrible at working around deadlines when it comes to fic, and also I have a lot of anxiety around whether I’ll ever finish the fics I start writing. 

3. Do you write fics from start or finish, or jump around?

Hmm, I usually don’t jump around between fics, but sometimes when I’m writing a long fic, I take a break and doodle something shorter. But this is quite rare, because it takes me a while to get into the “zone” when I’m writing a fic and I’m nervous to break that and try something else in case I never get my mojo back for the fic I started with. 

4. Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

I start outlining about a quarter way through the fic, usually! I only have the vaguest idea of plot when I start out, usually, and it takes me a chapter or three to get things clearer in my head. But once I am writing fairly steadily, then I find it useful to make an outline so that a) I don’t forget to put in things and b) I feel good about tracking progress. 

My outline does keep changing- I’d say, I stray about 20-25% from it in terms of no of chapters planned vs what gets written; but not really much in terms of the main story/ events. 

5. What is the perfect environment for you to write in?

This question made me miss my old life (when I was living alone): I miss the table I used to write at, and the window I would stare out of, the curtains fluttering in the almost constant breeze, and the quiet. But the truth is, I can write anywhere- a coffee shop, a train compartment, in my bed- what’s critical is that I need to be left completely alone for a few hours at a stretch. 

6. If you’re really concentrating, how many words can you write in a day?

I haven’t really tracked this as such, but I know that I wrote about 3-4k almost every day when I was doing an episode coda format fic for Serenade of Peaceful Joy as it was airing. But that kind of writing is unusual for me;  I’d say maybe 2-3k if I’m left completely alone and don’t distract myself.  But it’s not really the word count that matters, is it? If I write a drabble (100 words!) that I’m happy with, after thinking about it for the whole day, I’m good with that too. 

7. Which part of writing do you struggle with most?

I’m very bad at editing. 

8. Do you listen to music while you write? If so, share a song that’s been inspiring you lately.

I don’t like to listen while I’m writing because it’s distracting, but in the last year or two, I’ve taken to making playlists to listen to while I think about fic. Of late, it’s been a bunch of David Bowie songs, especially Starman, for a fic I’m thinking about. 

9. Do you prefer to write AUs, canon divergence, or canon-compliant fic?

I think all fic is somewhat “AU” from the canon; but if you’re asking whether I would write a High School AU for hmm, Supernatural, for eg, then NO.  That said, I have done precisely this in one fandom- not high school au, but “modern” au for a period drama- but it was because it was low energy and effort, and that was all I had the bandwidth for at the time.  I usually like writing fic within the canon universe which attracted my attention in the first place.  I often enjoy writing post canon fics, which would be like 95-100% canon compliant; and in some cases I like making a specific canon divergence, which then makes the whole thing “au”, I guess. 

10. Do you enjoy writing dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

I don’t really think of writing or the joy I derive from it in this way though- I mean in these buckets- so I’m not sure whether I can answer this question. I realize that my fics tend to be dialogue heavy because I have tv show brainrot. Do I enjoy writing dialogue? Sometimes! When it’s going smoothly! :) 

11. If you could only write angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your life, which would it be?

I think my wheelhouse is “bittersweet”, so it’s always going to be an angst+ fluff combo, maybe? I LIVE for the day when I’ll be able to write a good PwP, which, I think, is much harder to do than most people guess. 

12. Is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

I keep thinking of writing some kind of platonic soulmate-fic for various canons, but I haven’t got around to it. 

13. Is there a trope you wouldn’t write if it was the last trope on earth?

Is Omegaverse a trope or a genre? I wouldn’t write it ever. Also, let’s face it, High school/ college/ coffee shop etc. (I hated college, what is WRONG with all of you!!!)

14. If you were stuck on a desert island with only two characters, which would you pick?

Nobody. I want that island and its solitude all to myself, thanks. 

15. A Hollywood producer tells you that they want to film just one of your fics. Which fic would you want it to be?

It can’t be a Hollywood producer, because they would just ruin it, but if anyone wants to make Terms of Surrender,  I think that’s the most movie-like. Artist Company, you can have this FOR FREE. 

16. What is your most underrated fic?

Hmm, I’m not sure what this question really means- should I consider kudos/ comments as a measure? I end up writing niche pairings in small fandoms, so I think that’s a double whammy; but in a medium sized fandom like Beyond Evil, I sure wish more people read “Deer Heart” rather than “Cat Whisperer”. My best writing was for Serenade of Peaceful Joy, which nobody watched, and so maybe three people read the fic. 

17. What fic are you most proud of?

I can’t really answer this, I think. All of my fic is very personal to me, and while I know the quality of the writing varies *wildly *, I’m proud that they exist. Ok, NOT Cat Whisperer or A Soul Divided, but even those I side-eye because I think kdrama fandom has bad taste, not because they’re inherently awful. :p 

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

Again, there are lots of little bits scattered across all my fic that I love. I love the ending of Inventing Love which I typed directly into AO3 like a madwoman - while waiting for Rain to finish writing the sequel because we wanted to read each other’s fics together; I love Gon getting high on pot brownies and dancing to Black Pink in Destiny’s Child, and talking to his horse when he’s at his lowest;  I love Miranda Barlow asking Thomas Hamilton whether he would have preferred if she had a cock for him to swallow in  May it Happen to me (all) ,  a line I didn’t know I was going to write until I was typing it; I love all the letters between the halmeonis in Terms of Surrender, especially the last one from Geowi to Kkachi, and I wrote each one of them through a blur of tears where I could barely see the screen; in Moon River, I love Do-chul and Hong-gi sharing a cigarette and being so in love with each other, thinking about what the future holds for them, while the titular song plays faintly in the background; I love Park Pyung-ho wounded and exhausted, leaving the lights on so that Jeong-do wouldn’t hesitate to knock on his door; I love Koo Seo-Ryeong texting Hyeong-min “ I made a man of you, baby, never forget “ in TMTTAL; and I love the young Kang Sin-jae ruining a perfect tea-set by smashing one of the cups in Before You Came. I remember writing these things, and I remember the feeling when I wrote them, the best feeling, when the words on the page say exactly what you want them to, even if it might get lost in translation between you and the reader.  

19. Who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about? Why?

I don’t know if I have ever found *a * particular character hard or easy to write; my trouble doesn’t lie in characters, I have difficulty with the other things- plot and description and grammar, lol. 

20. What’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?

I pepper in a lot of OCs because I can get away with it in post canon fics , and it’s a great way to introduce women into male-dominated canons. Off the top of my head, I love the female OCs I sneaked into This Suspect Edifice (Yejun’s colleague and friend Kim Sang-mi), Deer Heart (Sister Lee Sun-ja and Jeong-je’s therapist Dr. Kim Jung-hee) and recently Choe Yeo-reum from  Terms of Surrender and “Hwasal” from Juche. 

21. What is the one fic that got away?

2020′s Tell me the Truth About Love developed an entire universe of its own without so much as asking me; this year that happened with Terms of Surrender (still writing in that universe!). But I’m more prone to letting fics get away than not because I rather enjoy it when they do.  *shrug hands emoji *

22. Have you cried while writing a fic?

Yes, absolutely, why wouldn’t I? 

23. If you had to remix one of your own fics, which would it be and how would you remix it?

Oh. This is a tough one. I guess I always felt that I didn’t do justice to one of the first  stories that I wrote in The Rise of Phoenixes fandom- A Place in the World- which was a Ning Yi/Feng Zhi wei  fic. I think I would probably expand on the universe and write it from Zhi wei’s PoV. 

24. How did you come up with title for [x fic]?

”Terms of Surrender” started out in a google doc titled The Unified Soy Sauce Company; I think I changed it about three chapters in. I love cheesy Harlequin romance titles and this was a burst of inspiration because I was writing about lives sundered by war and borders; and Spotify randomly played  “Hallelujah” that morning. [ I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch/ love is not a victory march]

25. Which idea came to you first in [x fic]?

For Juche, it’s the reveal that happens half way through the story about how Park Pyung-ho became a spy. Well, that, and Pyung-ho buying a pair of soccer shoes for Jeong-do’s son. Don’t ask me why, I have NO idea. 

26. Which part of [x fic] was the hardest to write?

I know Rain asked for recent fics, but Yeong leaving Corea in Inventing Love was so incredibly difficult to write, but I’m very proud of it. 

27. If you were ever to do a sequel to [x fic], what do you think might happen in it?

If I ever write a sequel to Juche, the only thing I know for sure is that there’ll be at least one scene of them dancing in a small kitchen. [Alexa, play Unchained Melody]

28. In [x fic], what is a happy, post-fic headcanon you have about [pairing]?

In Rival, post fic verse, Min-chae adopts a dog who only loves her mean mom Na Hee-do. *shrug hands emoji *

29. Send me a word. If it’s in your WIPs, include the sentence and a short summary of the fic.

Lol, I think you’ll find an abundance of the word “huffed” in any fic of mine. 

30. Tell us an idea for a longfic you want to write in the future.

I only write longfic! *sob *

My scatter-brain is hopping between several different nebulous ideas and I’m not able to settle down with any one, so I’m going to pass on this. The only thing I can say for certain is that it’ll feature people grossly in love with each other, and being completely stupid about it. * shrug hands emoji *

[ageofpiracyrp]

PLOT DROP 20: REVELATION

A week after the mission to the island with Karmel, analysis was complete on the materials discovered. The cave featured a variety of artifacts in varying forms: parchment (some in better condition than others), tablets (in excellent condition- a bit like Kindles that only display relatively short passages (up to ~30 pages of a paperback) but are powered by heat so that they work when held or exposed to heat, and the video where a djayyar repeated a six minute speech in five different languages.

Drones provided by Skylar and photographs taken by the drones and the rest of the group were used during the translation process.

Please note that any words in italics are notes - not part of the texts. Bold text is simply there for emphasis.

Without further ado, here are the translated artifacts.

The Video

The video is accompanied by several tablets with the text in all of the languages spoken.

I shutter this cave. After I talk with Mica, the descendant of my child who holds leadership now, I know I must. I must start a journey now, far away, to be celestial. He tells me that the land must be called QiruSha, after the love that made the lives of the people what they are. I am flattered, but nervous. I have seen what the descendants of the original citizens do with djayyar. I trust my child’s descendant Mica to keep the secret and pass it down so that a djayyar not under the control of anyone else may be able to receive my knowledge. It pains me. I am in such pain. I am old now, and the pain is worse than when I first unleashed my energy to strengthen the people.

I start my voyage now, but if one who is celestial may find the way, I leave a path to where I am. I think the celestial djayyar will understand my pain and know how I loved Kraysha, both the person I care for still and the land named for him.

You, djayyar - I am Qiru. I have lived to be very old - 502 Earth years. My truest love was named Sha. He was old for his species, but young for an Earth human when we first met, and I was barely an adult. We had a beautiful life together. He and his species became human, and some of the people of Earth feared them for a multitude of reasons. Sha, others of his species, several sympathetic Earth people, and I traveled via ship to this planet, and we made it a beautiful place to live for all except those like us: the djayyar. I fear that the people now love me so much, but I was an adult when I traveled to Earth- not an indoctrinated child.

Mica and I and our allies have decided to let the memory of me be buried in all but the name of the planet. I state this message in as many languages as I know well because language is fickle.

The pain to imbue those I love with strength and special powers is what I live with. I feel now that it was worth it to me, but it may not be for you. I leave this knowledge to you on how to do this because it is not an intuitive process. The ability to control metal and the longer lifespans the people here enjoy were blessings I was glad to give, but I am in such pain, dear one.

Whoever you are, djayyar who opened this cave, I love you. I am so grateful that you were able to enter the resting place of my writings and what I could piece together of Sha’s. On the cave’s wall up high, I leave you with the coordinates to my star so that you know. Sha has been with me in my heart this whole way, and I know he would love you too. I hope that you are safe and can enjoy life to its fullest.

The Accompaniment

There are two different handwritings found in this cave. Karmel assumes that one of these is Qiru and the other is Sha. Based on context, Karmel assumes that this passage was written some time before the video was recorded- perhaps even tens or hundreds of years before the video.

Sha was the writer, the one who was organized. For all of my gifts of language, that was never me. I have so many ideas that I struggle to write down. Now that Sha is gone, I tell our children’s children’s children’s children’s children about Sha’s love. I want them to know how much he wanted them to survive. I want my children’s children’s children’s children’s children’s children and longer to know Sha. I use my gifts of language in this cave so that someone in the far-off future may be able to read this, although I apologize if I am not clear enough after spending such time writing.

I am a person but I am also celestial. I care not to be worshiped, and simply want my family and friends to be safe.

Too late, I learned that I may imbue some of my celestial energy into the people around me. It made our children’s children’s children on this planet stronger. It hurt immensely, and I was unable to move as long as what Sha called a cycle. Although Sha was not here, his impact is on me always. I still hurt, and not simply because of the anguish of losing the one you love. It is an aching of the whole body that comes and goes- especially painful when I am already upset. But even when i am happy, I hurt. I think I will always feel this pain.

I wonder if I may try again so the ones that were not on this land might have such strength too. The people do not let me because they don’t like to see me hurt. I work the land with them and create fire, but I am in so much pain.

I am glad that Azi lives yet so that I do not feel alone in my history, but we will never be the closest of comrades. We meet with each other on some occasions, play games, and talk of the old times.

A New Perspective

 Karmel believes that this is one of the oldest writings in the room, and was written by Sha. This parchment was (perhaps lovingly) preserved in some substance that used to be more popular on Kraysha. The parchment was written in   Eesomdet, an old vanneer language that evolved into Vaddikot. It appears that Qiru also made a tablet translating this passage into Shavul and Videion.

We did not have a way of writing on our planet. I am told that this is understandable, as all of the planets are not in frequent communication. Our language I write in is one that is of the winged people, who look so like the animals of home we call birds. Their wings allow them to fly, and they have beaks, but they are an intelligent people. The people in the town of my origin call the winged peoples gods, but Qiru has assured me that the winged people are no better than he or me. The winged society has simply unlocked the secrets of technology much faster. Qiru was not raised among the winged people, but by the ones that he says look much like trees. The winged people call those that look like trees who raised Qiru rooted people. While Qiru was raised among the rooted people, he explains that the winged people’s language is better for conveying our thoughts. It is a beautiful language, he explained, and showed me how to write in it. I like it so much more than the language of our planet.

The people in the town of our origin tried to worship Qiru as a god like they did the winged people, but Qiru did not want them to. I understand this much more than the worship of the winged people, but only because I know him and love him so well. His radiant skin is marvelous to behold, and Qiru can fly even without the aid of wings. His beauty is the least significant aspect of him, however, as his heart and ability to love others are his best traits. He says that he loves me the way he loves everyone, but also in a way that is special for just the two of us. My feelings are the same, which is why I would follow Qiru anywhere.

Qiru seems not to age at all, but I find myself feeling the strain of aging. Our children whom we raised are adults now too, and experience their own lives. Qiru has a gift for learning languages more than I do. He says that his skill at communication is not magical, but I believe that magic is not always a thing of the species.

I write now that someday, people will understand why we came to this new circular land.

We, the people Like Me voyaged beyond the heavens, and I could no longer say that I believed in the gods of my youth when there is more to everything than the large circular land and water that we soared away from. We were scared, and in search of a home away from those that sought to take Qiru in the name of their winged gods. It is we - our family, our friends, and those others sympathetic that understand that Qiru is a person like us but different. We settled on a nearby land and we have prospered. Our journey was long, but this place is better for us. There is no worry of famine, and there is no fear that we will be struck down. We have near to 51 12s of us, of greatly varied Earth appearance.

A Small Excerpt

This passage seems to have originally been longer, but was not well preserved.

Qiru will outlive me, but I have lived 46 360s already. Azi tells me that I might change my form and have some time longer with Qiru and our children, but I cannot bear to. Qiru has the burden of outliving our children, and I only want to be in the form that knew him and raised our children.

Friends and Family

This is believed to be written by Sha.

My children are also the children of my dear friends. Our friends are gone now, and Qiru and I were tearfully asked to raise their children after the accident. I find it joyful that my children share the bond that all of the people Like Me have. We are one. We are individual. We are love.

I love my children. I tell them tales of their parents of origin. I make sure that they know the love of my dear friends. Qiru is no good at the love of words, but he says the words, and he hugs the children, and takes them on flights.

My children do not hear the counting, do not know when they were born, do not know how to change form. I don’t find this disheartening, but I find it different.

Notes on Physiology

This is believed to be an early writing by Sha, beginning in Proto-Elamite.

Uyti and Bimin remind me that Earth children do not usually have eyes the same color as their blood. We wonder if something is wrong. The first children born on this new planet had brown or blue eyes. The first unusual eye color we saw was gold, but we wondered if perhaps that was just a novel shade of brown.

No, the children that we had born on Earth from us never had gold eyes nor red eyes.

And just today, Azi said a child was born with such an unusual eye color that the human language has no words for it. I will switch to writing exclusively in the language of the bird people Qiru taught us.

The language does indeed switch to Eesomdet

Purple. The newly born child’s eyes are purple.

Lifestyle

This is believed to be written by Sha, but the parchment wasn’t preserved well. Here is the only fragment remaining that Qiru seems to have been able to record.

Qiru builds away, and I ensure the children of our civilization learn, flourish, and can think intelligently.

More?

This is believed to be written by Sha. The parchment isn’t well-preserved, but the accompanying tablet translation has a few more words than what we see. Here is the only fragment remaining that Qiru seems to have been able to record.

Azi brought more of us to our settlement here on our new planet. He said he did not need to wander far to find more of us who were awake and in search of something more than open space. We embrace them with open arms, feed them delicious foods which they are excited to try, and call them Friends Like Us. I will start classes with them right away so that they may learn to speak with more than just the mind.

---

There are other fragments scattered about, but Qiru seems to have not translated those and/or they do not say much of interest.

[type1cyclingdan]

One Goal for the year complete.

Race day at Gravesend circuit, I left home at 8 am for a 2 hour 30 minute drive, not before Drew my son gave me the power from his legs by a dragon ball cartoon technique. I got there in plenty of time, so I got myself ready slowly, listening to relaxing music so as to raise my stress levels to high (this really does seem to be working). My levels have been pretty good over the last few days and remained that way for the race morning.

I have ridden the course a lot in the past, so I know it pretty well. It is quite a technical course with a couple of hairpin turns and 90-degree turns that you can lose a lot of time in if you dont know them and the lines to take.

It was a small field with only 12 racers in the CAT 4 race which is disappointing to be honest as there are far fewer races lately so you would think there would be far more people taking up the oppurtunity to race. Anyway, a small field makes the racing a lot harder as it is impossible to hide in the wheels and take less wind and save energy. The race started pretty fast, and as I said, because the field was so small, it meant that because of some gaps in ability, gaps were forming so I had to work hard to get round people and close the gaps. With 15 mins gone, my positioning was poor, and 3 were getting away on the front. Again, I had to go around people to try and chase on to the group getting away.

One other guy came with me, but because one of the guys in front was his teammate, he would not work with me to close the gap which I get but as I had no team mates in the front it would have benefitted them to have 2 up there. I got really close but just couldn't get on. I held the gap for a while, but eventually, the gap started to go out, so I had a chat with Dave, the rider with me to ask him to work with me so that we stayed away from the riders behind us. I think by this point, I had already created a big gap but was starting to get tired and nervous that I would blow completely.

I needed to finish a minimum of 6th to get my upgrade to CAT 3 and it turned out that Dave needed to finish 4th to get his upgrade to CAT 3 so we did a deal that if he worked with me I would let him have the 4th place. Deal done, we worked well together for a while, but my levels were starting to go up, and my energy was going fast, Dave started to take on more of the work which I am eternily grateful for.

We now had a massive gap, almost a full lap on the guys behind us, and could see that we were catching one of the 3 that was up front, we tired to put a bit more effort in but both of us were pretty cooked so just couldn't get there. So there it is not quite how I wanted to do it, as I wanted to win, but the goal is achieved and that is the main thing.

I was speaking with Dave, the guy I was with in the race, and he said that he had asked his teammate whether he would have minded if he had worked with me to get on to the front group and he said that he wanted us to catch them so he had a teammate up there with him. For me, that would have been the ideal situation as I could have sat on a bit more. Never mind, it is what it is, I learnt plenty from that race about being in the right position when it matters.

Looking at my numbers for this race, they are ok but not great, so some work to be done, I am trying to decide whether to close the session and now really work on losing the weight as I still have so much work to do. I currently weigh 85kg and want to be around 72-75kg for next year, and with a lot more power, I think my FTP is around 300 watts at the moment, I know there is more to come.

I can now see what my levels were like during racing and training, which is hopefully giving me some insight into how my levels react at different levels of effort, or though it seems that no day is ever the same and during racing they go up faster.

So I have to do some thinking about what I want to do for the rest of the year. There are a few races that I can do, but I could just concentrate on getting myself in the best shape for next season as I have some big goals to go for and some races that I want another crack at in better shape like the Essex Roads one that I fell apart in.

Dream big, keep trying, never give up, and always believe you can achieve, and we go again.

[electronicstarlightfestival]

I’ve been thinking about this platform as being the best one to continue blogging, so I’ll be posting again about my attempts to fix my lifestyle and myself while being clinically depressed and trying to deal with newly diagnosed OCD through studies, sports, and planning (doubtfully but hopefully). It's better to start doing something once you get an urge, even if there’s a chance you'll drop out, because what if you accidentally manage to develop some working method that will stay?

Pinterest aesthetics have an influence on me and I get inspired or even obsessed with new ideas (I am not proud of it, but at least I can turn it into something useful?). So, despite not being a girl, I got into this "that girl" lifestyle because I wanted to love myself, shape myself and strive for something since I completely lost any passion or desires. Those aesthetics help me see goals and ways to reach them clearer, so it is helpful to follow what the people within the community do.I struggled with an eating disorder when I was a teenager, so the only strategy is not to fall into it again this time. I really want to keep my diet and body healthy.

I have already had two very productive trips to the gym in a row in recent days, and I remembered that sport actually IS enjoyable for me; I am just too lazy to put in the effort and time. However, I've got a possibility to go to the gym for free right now, so I hope that it will take away the pressure. Let’s see how it goes.

My studies are currently extremely difficult for me. I even seem to replace the time I could spend on it to go to the gym, also leaving all my energy there. I'm not sure how to explain why I can't carry on my studies, even though it sounds so simple: just sit down and study! But I can't concentrate and I can't control myself at all, so I hope that going through it with help of a blog could help.

My schedule today was kinda like this:

7:00 woke up 7:00 - 7:20 cooking breakfast (that’s a new habit I’m trying to keep already for 2 weeks!) 7:20 - 7:40 eating and reading 7:40 - 8:00 getting ready for school

9:15 - 11:30 at uni

13:00 - 15:00 gym

And then I didn't do aaaaanything productive nor useful at home except cooking dinner and journaling. I won't go to the gym tomorrow because my presentation is due by Friday at 2 pm and I have yet to begin working on it, so I will have to stay after lectures at the school library and study really hard unless I’ll be screwed.

I hope my tomorrow’s schedule will look like:

7:00 - 8:00 same routine 9:15 - 14:00 (very approximate ending time) uni 14:00 - 15:00 lunch? 15:00 - 21:00 making presentation slides

I really don't have that much time left for the presentation and I think it will result in pulling an all-nighter but thankfully it is just a draft. And I have to buy new sweatpants since mine are practically a waste.

P.S. I could've spent the time I spent writing this post on making the presentation, but I didn't.

P.P.S. I was never good with day planning and can only analyse the day after it has already passed, otherwise lists and plans are making me nervous.

[jadefitzpatrick]

My “how to feel like your best self” tips

Go to bed and wake up early.

Some things I do to try and sleep early are; reading a book around 8:30-9:00pm, drink some hot chamomile tea, and meditation. Don’t stay on your phone scrolling for ages, there’s no point in doing that. Set your alarm the night before for the time you know that you’ll wake up. If you feel like you need extra rest, then make it a little later. It’s best to be in a sleep/wake routine though, so try and rise and rest at the same times.

Eat food with nutritional value

We are energy and we need to ensure we sustain ourselves. I feel best when I have some fruit in the morning, nothing major in the morning because usually I don’t feel like eating. Having a fruit salad and some eggs with a green tea, or a glass of water makes me feel really good in the morning. If you lead a busy lifestyle, I would suggest meal prepping to make your life a little easier in the morning and reduce the stress of thinking about what you’re going to eat and having to make your breakfast and lunch before heading out the door. I’ll do a separate post on some great meal ideas that I have which are healthy, nutritious and delicious.

Get outside and get some sun

I don’t think we realise how important it is to get sunlight and to walk. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body. Are you bored? Go for a walk. Are you hungry? Go for a walk to the nearest restaurant. Going to the gym? Walk there. Have a pet? Take it for a walk. Walk whenever you feel like you have nothing to do and get outside. It’s the best thing for you. Your mood will be lifted from being outside, being in the sun, seeing people you don’t usually see, hearing nature all around you. Get out there, it’s beautiful!

Listen to yourself

If you’re feeling tired and stressed, try and stop in the moment and take a breather. Listen to your mind and your body. What does it need? What’s it telling you? Connect with yourself more in stillness and try not to always be so busy filling your life with meaningless tasks. Try and stay as calm as you can. Stress is so bad for our nervous systems and our physical health. Stress can cause so many diseases and implications. Just get some r&r as much as you can; you don’t always have to be doing something - find enjoyment in doing nothing.

Find a hobby

It can be making TikTok’s, painting, gardening, reading, learning a new language, making video diaries, scrapbooking, hiking, writing food reviews, learn a new skill, start cooking new recipes you’ve never tried before and make your own cookbook, start a podcast, a blog, flip furniture, make jewellery; do anything that is creative and gets you into joy mode. Learning something new is a great way to build self confidence.

Have pride in yourself

I always feel my best when I have presented myself in the best way possible. Now remember, you do not always have to go out looking like you’re going to a red carpet event. I will go out in a tracksuit most days if I go to the grocery store or am running errands, but I always make sure my hair is brushed, put up in a cute ponytail or slicked back bun, I’m moisturised, I smell good, and I look organised. It’s just a fact that when you make effort into your appearance, you’re going to look and feel better. Getting all dressed up always makes me feel so beautiful, do it and enjoy it. Don’t worry about being over dressed, just show up and show out!

[thatonelightyear]

I posted 184 times in 2022

That's 184 more posts than 2021!

57 posts created (31%)

127 posts reblogged (69%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@boeingboingboing

@agentsandracartrip

@carsgeek24

@grussell63

@the-cars-memer

I tagged 140 of my posts in 2022

Only 24% of my posts had no tags

#reblog - 60 posts

#lightrambles - 27 posts

#cars fandom - 20 posts

#f1 - 16 posts

#cars - 16 posts

#my hcs - 14 posts

#my fics - 8 posts

#leland turbo - 7 posts

#boeingboingboing - 7 posts

#finn mcmissile - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 71 characters

#imma just make more subclasses so i can find stuff easier in my archive

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

First Race HCs

Lightning

nervous energy- like. so. much. jitters.

but then the moment he gets on the track it's just all gone

runs on adrenaline high for the next 100s of laps

yk the whole : I guess i never thought i couldnt' stuff? Yeah that came from right after

whoaaa look at all the lights and all the bling... is this what it feels like to be recognised?

pushed and pushed, gave 130%

finished just shy of top 5

the exhilaration stayed for a long while

Strip Weathers

Tried to look calm on the outside, pretty shaky on the inside though

Just in awe. The track is huge-

once the race starts, he's just in the zone

everything feel right, from the roar of the crowd to the asphalt thrumming beneath his tyres

"and that was the moment i realised this was where I belonged"

crashed out 30 laps from the chequered due to a particularly squeezy restart

can't wait for the next race

Chick Hicks

went to his father for advice before the start, instantly got shot down

"what do you mean you won't do well? I expect nothing less than a top 10- 5 would be best, of course. Do whatever it takes."

"...yes sir"

showed concern for a particularly wrecked racer - his dad just snapped at him to keep racing though

rookie mistake caused him to wreck a few others, but he was told repeatedly "as long as you do well, it doesn't matter"

realised he loved the glitz and glamour after.

father gave him a tongue-lashing for being "too soft" and showing concern

he wanted to make his dad proud - he wanted to be good

as long as I win, nothing else matters.

HCs for our fav tiebreaker trio! (Chick's emotional damage definitely shaped his obnoxious character man...) But yeah these were fun

Please send me asks for headcannons, on that note XD

21 notes - Posted September 15, 2022

#4

Beach Day HCs (Lightning, Cal & Bobby they y'all)

Lightning gets really sunburned (as per normal)

They try to play a game of scuffed beach volleyball

Cal faceplants and eats sand

Bobby laughs, promptly gets whacked by the volleyball to his face

Brick enjoys nature, probably the one drinking out of a coconut

Junior stares at the gang, sighs in exasperation as Lightning runs from a crab

He just wanted to have a relatively normal day. The other four said no.

Grumpily sits at a corner and sips a cocktail, on parent duty again

Bobby goes swimming and shrieks when his foot touches kelp

Lightning swears that he'll never forget sunscreen again - he will.

22 notes - Posted October 28, 2022

#3

So I found more- XD

This I found when digging through Youtube... again. I have no life I swear. But yeah our fav spy trio in training! More like Finn and Holley being professionals, and Mater has his Mater-esque genius too... (side note i need to write a fic about Finn being a trainer someday...)

41 notes - Posted September 14, 2022

#2

This One's For You, Doc.

It was- Everything had been so sudden.

Honestly, Lightning had never seen it coming. So when it happened, he couldn't help but feel so... betrayed. He... Doc should have been around longer. How could he just... leave Lightning behind?

A part of him couldn't help but think of all the possible 'what if's, all that. He just- He just needed more time, even when some part of him whispered that actually, all the time in the world would have never been enough.

It just all went by so fast. It had felt like just yesterday, their first win together as crew chief and racer, now it was just, well, him. Lightning felt as though there'd still been so much he wanted to say, so much he still needed to ask, but now... well. He couldn't even if he wanted to, could he?

"Stickers?" Sally's right by his side as he proceeds to the track, giving him a comforting nudge. They exchange a hushed conversation, by the end of it, there's tears in her eyes as she ushers him off to the track, mouthing a 'For Doc' towards him. He offers her a weak smile, knowing it was taking him everything he had to not just break down right here. Because of the pure familiarity, of how before the race, it would be Sal and Doc sending him to the lineup. Now, the absence just... hurts.

Then he's out on the track, warm asphalt beneath rubber. As they complete the formation lap, he can't help but let his gaze wander, then focus back on the track, stung by that empty spot on pit lane.

Yet as the engines roar to life, as the green flag is raised, he hears it, in a sudden burst of clarity, meant for him and him only.

You've got this, hotshot. Gruff and gravely, steady and grounding- Doc.

Lightning takes a breath, the oxygen biting. He exhales slowly.

"This one's for you, Doc," He whispers, fixing his gaze on the track.

The green flag falls, and he's ready.

A.N. : Yeah, I really went full-on with the angst in this one hah- Been toying with this idea for a bit, finally got it out of my system... honestly, I really like this! As for whether this is Carsverse or Human AU, I'll leave that up to you guys- made it kinda ambiguous there.. Hope you enjoyed :)

43 notes - Posted October 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

This is GOLD

So I found this like- yesterday and good gosh I had a kick out of watching these XD they are so funny! Also I love how it shows the Mater-Finn-Holley friendship dynamics and how they can be a pretty funny trio!

124 notes - Posted September 13, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[valsedelesruines]

Tips from the MRI:

I've just had my 19th MRI of the year (yes, this year of 2022 lol) and I have some tips that you won't get online or from your doctor for anyone feeling nervous about it.

- Try not to move (but accept that you will move and forgive yourself). If you are getting an MRI anywhere from the thoracic spine upwards, make sure to limit swallowing. If you have to sneeze or cough, let them know. Top tip, I find that I move more with my eyes closed than my eyes open. The best thing to do is distract yourself by thinking of something else. If you think about not moving, you will move more.

- You can customize your experience however you want. If you want them to check in with you every 10 minutes over the speaker, they will do it for you ( I find that this helps get an idea of how much time is going by). If you want wedges to prop up your arms, ask. If the pads holding your head in place are too tight, ask for smaller ones. You will be lying still for at least 30 minutes up to 2 hours, so make sure you're as physically and mentally comfortable as possible.

- For first timers, make sure you know what makes you comfortable before you go. Lying flat for a long time is fine. Lying flat and completely still is a different thing. If youre worried, you can practice beforehand by lying completely still on a flat, hard surface for 30 minutes and placing pillows where it feels comfortable (under the legs and/or arms, etc.). I always ask for wedges for my arms so I can fold my hands over my belly. I also ask for a blanket to cover my legs and for the staff to speak to me approximately every ten minutes. I tell them which vein I would like my IV in as well.

- If your MRI is longer than an hour, you might overheat. You might notice that the room with the machine is super cold. That's because the magnetic energy it produces when running for a long produces a lot of heat. Sometimes this heat is absorbed by the body and can actually sometimes raise the body temp up to 2 degrees Celsius. They keep track of the room temperature, but if you start overheating, let them know.

- You can ask to be sedated if you're claustrophobic. I've never needed to which leads me to my next point:

-The fear of claustrophobia can be avoided ( for those not typically fearful of this). I've learned two things from the MRI: fear and a large part of pain is all in the mind. If you imagine yourself trapped in a loud, coffin-like tube, then you will be very uncomfortable. If you close your eyes and imagine you're in your room on your bed, then you can relax a little. Here are some other scenarios I like to imagine: I'm the goth veraion of a vampire (get it cause the room is white instead of black lol) chilling in my coffin, I'm one of the Apollo 11 crew heading back home to Earth after having seen some pretty cool moonrocks, I'm a spelunker during am earthquake, I'm the first human to listen to an alien symphony, and plenty others.

- Learn the lyrics/tunes of the following songs: 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton, the William Tell overture, and TikTok by Kesha. It will make sense with all the noises of the machine.

-If you have contrast dye be careful getting up when you are done. Some of the side effects include dizziness, nausea, and mild headache.

- Have fun! Life is short and can be scary when you're sick. An MRI is a relatively short experience in the long term of your life and we should not try and dread these experiences. Today I met a man getting an MRI to check up on his brain tumour. We were chatting about how we were on clinical trials and how if we weren't born today and experiencing the beauty of modern science he would be dead and I would be blind. An MRI scan is a gift that not everyone can experience or access. Replace dread with joy and fear with wonder and you will have a much better time both in and out of the machine.