#how the fuck has 3 years passed since the beginning of the pandemic. i still feel like a college freshman

[ratsonas]

seriously cannot tell if its the pandemic or being in my 20s thats fucked up my sense of time but either way i hate it

[usedpidemo]

Update - one year anniversary (+ some reflection and future?)

Hello, everyone. π here.

It has been a full year since I've opened this blog and released my first fic. I can't believe it's already been a year; how time flies! Plenty of highs and lows in between, but at least I haven't quit—at least for now.

Like a bunch of sports analysts, let's go through some completely pedantic and arbitrary stats and milestones.

First work: Sandwich - Red Velvet Wendy (published 05/13/21, 4:03 a.m.)

Highest note count: Shot in the night - Blackpink Rosé (published 01/03/22, 471 notes)

Number of works published: 65 fics (1 fic every 5.6 days)

Average note count: 239.8 notes (15,587 accumulated notes)

500 followers: June 18, 2021 (36 days or 1 month, 5 days)

1,000 followers: October 12, 2021 (152 days or 4 months, 30 days)

1,500 followers: March 2, 2022 (294 days or 9 months, 22 days)

Follower count: 1,725 followers (4.7 followers a day)

None of this would be possible without you, the reader. Thank you so much for the continued support, whether it's a reblog, like, or the occasional comment. Here's to another year 🧡

From this point on, I'll dive into a bit of a tangent about things I don't really discuss outside of important context, so this is your last warning if you don't want to pay attention to it. Also, I kinda need a reason to vent some frustration out, so enjoy.

Quality/Quantity

If you've noticed, I've published 65 works over the past year. That's one new fic every 5.6 days. Sure, it was the pandemic and all so I had plenty of free time and there were a bunch of quickies in between, but it's certainly no excuse for some of them to be absolute fucking duds. I find reading most of my earlier works extremely difficult, if not completely impossible, to reread. Whether it's grammar issues, typos, or simply a rushed concept, I look at most of my work from the beginning with utter contempt. Much like how David Fincher and David Lynch hate Alien 3 and Dune, respectively. Part of me wants to remove them just because I don't want to give you the misery of watching a newbie π figure things out like a child, but I'm sure someone already has my work archived and saved. Or not. For historical purposes, I have no intention to delete them off my site, so you can see the growth with each passing work. There's still plenty to learn and much to hone, but I'm certainly nowhere close to the ideal version of myself as a writer.

Confidence/Competitive issues

At the end of March 2022, I announced that I'd be taking a short break for mental health reasons. Truth is, it was more of a personal problem in regards as to how I perceive my work and compare it with others. This has always been an issue rooted even in my childhood days: I was ultra competitive as fuck. If I wasn't the best or one of the best, then why the fuck would I bother? Of course, I've mellowed down since, but you always want to stand out and have something distinct about you when you're under the microscope of others, and writing was no exception. The more I wrote and the more I read, I grew more desperate to evolve and adapt. I became obsessed. I was disappointed when something wasn't hitting my personal expectation or threshold, or when someone wrote an idol that was subjectively better than mine. I'll briefly clarify that I bear no personal grudges toward anyone, you're just doing you and I'm doing mine. Anyway, as the months rolled by, while I knew I was improving with gentle hops and skips, I saw that everyone else were making leaps and bounds with their abilities. I wasn't gonna catch up and I felt defeated. This ultimately lead to me becoming unnecessarily frustrated and depressed. Something I had fun with at the start turned into a poisonous relationship and soured my mind. I tried to play it off as a mood swing, but it was growing to the point where I no longer could simply hide it. So into hiatus it was, and I stepped away briefly in the hopes that I can rediscover myself all over again.

Cynicism

If you've been interacting with me on Discord, you'll notice the gradual change in how I look at myself and other things. The most obvious thing to point out is how often I joke about how shitty or terrible I am, to the point that I've been called out a few times about it. How am I supposed to be idealistic? You have to realize not everyone will share the same attitude regarding life as you. Of course, I'm not one to cause conflicts, so I've deflected my thoughts into a private echo chamber that only the few people I can trust can hear, but nevertheless, please understand that everyone has different ways to express frustration. The last year has been incredibly fucking tough for everyone and I was no exception. Loss of a loved one, stuck at home for months on end, crippling loneliness, and so much more. I turned to writing as a way to escape and vent, perhaps spark my childhood imagination to life again, and for the first time in a while, I felt validated and accepted. So I continued, hoping that perhaps I can reach the peak of greatness that those before me stand, but I still have a long way to go. But instead of figuring things out, I beat myself and became a defeatist, unintentionally affecting the people around me in a negative way.

Future

I'm pretty much on borrowed time. I've started college. Next semester, I'm going back to class, touching grass and actually making friends outside of a virtual space. I'm still awkward as fuck. Additionally, my interests tend to burn out like a dying star. Writing is no exception. I might grow sick and tired of this hobby and just ditch it, much like movies and modern Western pop music. But I'm not gonna let myself go out in a whimper. As much as I have a long term plan, plans tend to go awry in a moment. With that said, I hope that with whatever time I have left before it's consumed by studies as a top priority is spent well. Delete this will be completed. I have already constructed the full arc including the ending for the series, so please look forward to it. It's a series very dear to me; not only did it launch my blog high up to the stars, but also it's a piece of legacy that I can leave behind should I be called away prematurely. Other stuff I have in mind are more non-smut fics. I've always enjoyed storytelling through my love of film, so perhaps I can expend my repertoire to more diverse story content. And of course, become a better writer. My therapist gave me one really interesting piece of advice, "You're only as good as your latest work." I apologize if my body of work or style is not up to par with some of the others, but I am trying my best.

Ending

I don't really have anything cool to say to finish up this tangent, but I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone—especially the cool people I've met through Discord. You've been a huge godsend during these difficult times, and though I'm not vocal about it, please understand that I appreciate you. For providing encouragement, giving your ears whenever I vent, or answering my stupid or silly questions, I sincerely thank you. If I could repay you in kind, I would. Regardless of how you feel or think about me, let's continue to live together peacefully.

And of course, this is nothing without you, the reader, for checking out even a single word I've composed. Much love.

Grace be with you all,

Peter / π

[books-and-cookies]

Best lines from “Death to 2020″

(Death to 2020 is a comedy on Netflix, that came out on December 27th)

* “fire, a radicalized, angry form of air”

* “Davos [summit] is basically Coachella for billionaires”

* “[Greta Thunberg] is this teenage girl who’d become famous even though everything she says is depressing. Kind of Like Billie Eilish”

* “The U.S. president was facing an impeachment trial, which is a traditional ceremony that Americans perform to work whether their president has gone off.”

* “What Trump needed was a distraction, either something big, like a goose flying through the window, or something small, like World War 3″

* about the Iranian general, Soleimani: “the Beyonce of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard”

* the queen about Meghan and Harry: “Sadly, I believe they felt there is a degree of prejudice in Britain. Which is why they moved to America, where race has never been an issue at all.”

* about the “diversity” of Oscar nominees: “You got Marriage Story, two mopey white people trapped in an affluent marriage; Ford v. Ferrari, that’s white guys on wheels; Little Women, four white girls standing on the cusp of Karenhood; and Joker, whose lead actor performs in whiteface, thereby appropriating his own cultural identity while denying a role for a genuine clown. Oh and 1917, which was the year the movie was set, and the number of white people in it”

* “so, the democrats claim that Trump pressured Ukraine into digging up dirt on the Biden family and their only real “evidence” of that is a transcript of him doing it”

* “I think to many Americans, Biden is uncle Joe. He’s been a part of their lives for centuries. As familiar as an old armchair, and nearly as sharp-witted.”

* about the beginning of the pandemic: “now, those who’ve closely studied the history books, knew that this was strongly reminiscent of the time the White Walkers led their army of the dead towards the warring factions of Westeros”

* about Tom Hanks being infected with the virus: “it showed the virus could also pass from humans to icons, which raised the possibility it may one day infect God. And God is older than the universe, which puts him in a high risk category”

* "across the USA, supplies of masks, which, unlike guns, cannot be cheaply and easily manufactured, run low”

* “Trump seemed to feel that the virus was one of those things that goes away if you ignore it, like a wasp or a wife”

* “by the end of March, lockdowns have been rolled out right across the planet, making them the most successful global franchise since the Marvel cinematic universe”

* “the monarch only addresses the nation on special occasions, such as christmas or the end of the world, so this was a huge moment”

* about Boris Johnson recovering from covid: “Incredibly, the virus didn’t seem to have affected his abilities in any way. He still didn’t have any.”

* “That ought to be the number one sales feature for the iPhone. Fuck your “Megapixel Display”. How about put “Exposes Police Brutality” on the box?”

* “The president skilfully placates the situation with some soothing incendiary comments, and in Washington, he orders peaceful demonstrators to be gently dispersed with some courteous state violence”. 

* “You had corporations going woke too, asking themselves how can they support Black people without actually paying them.”

* “I live on my own and after a while I got so lonely, I developed a multiple personality disorder on purpose, so I could keep myself company. But then, of course, I had to try and keep two meters away from myself at all times. Don’t know if you’ve ever tried doing that, but it’s a bloody nightmare”

* “Also, there were questions about his fitness to govern, in part because of the way he had to drink a glass of water using both hands, but mainly because of everything else he did”

* “But then I got into this show called America, which was amazing. Have you seen it? It’s on the news channel. It’s totally mental. Just one twist after another. They had this sort of election fight happening between a bloke who looked like a ticket inspector on a ghost train and an inflatable orange maniac who didn’t seem to be dealing with the plague.”

* “And then the debate started and straightaway it was like a rap battle in a senior home. But worse.”; “I’d say it was a trainwreck and a shitshow, but that would be unfair to trains and shit.”

* “Following the debate, the only positive news for Trump is his coronavirus test result”

* “all eyes turn to the crucial state of Pennsylvania, where Trump has been on a winning streak. Until officials stubbornly insist on counting Biden’s votes too.”

* “Mr. Trump doesn’t know the meaning of the word “concede” and he was furious when they told him.”

* “No 5G vaccine for me, thank you very much. It’s made in a laboratory. And you shouldn’t trust anything that’s not natural. I read about it on Facebook.”

Please, please watch this, it’s fucking hilarious.

[tea-at-221]

The TJLC Debacle: 3 years out from S4 and counting; the copyright mini-theory; so much salt I’m bloated; but in the end, there is peace (I love you Johnlockers)

Ugh, don't even talk to me about Mary.

Don't even talk to me about the way Mofftiss have said they're sick of responding to fans on the subject of Johnlock. Of how they've said they're "not telling anyone else what to think or write about them" (as if they could stop us; as if they even own Sherlock themselves. Do keep reading, because this point becomes much more relevant and in-jokey later on). Don't even mention how they've bitched and whined incessantly because--god forbid--fans got *really really* into their show and emotionally invested.

They're so eager to discount all the beautiful little moments they wrote as accidents. And Arwel, who planted all those props, continually demonstrates that he's on their side (a not-very in-depth-analysis of his Instagram account and the way he interacted with fans towards the beginning of the pandemic showed as much, but I think maybe he’s grown a bit wiser and quieter since at least in terms of Johnlock and all things elephant-related. I don’t know for sure because I stopped looking.)

Anyway--they'd actually prefer for us to celebrate our own intelligence, is I suppose a charitable way of looking at it: our ability to make connections between things in the show; our metas on symbolism; our insightful fanfic; etc., and denounce them as the bad writers that they ultimately are.

More under the cut.

(This post may be of interest to you especially if you came to the fandom a bit later: multiple links to things of relevance/quotes/explanations appear both within and at the end of this entry.)

Because what makes a writer good?

Well, an ability to make people feel an emotional connection to their work, for one. I know this is just my own perspective, but if not for Johnlock, all my emotion about the show would evaporate. There wouldn't be much else there. Other people might get something, but I wouldn’t. Is some of the writing witty and entertaining regardless of any inferred/implied Johnlock? Yeah but, eh, a lot of shows have some good writing and I just don’t give a damn about them.

What makes a writer good?

Not making promises to the reader/viewer that they'll never keep. Plot holes, leading dialogue ("There’s stuff you wanted to say...but didn’t say it.” “Yeah”) never followed through on, puns that are apparently, I suppose, unintentional (e.g. "'Previous' commander?" "I meant 'ex'").

Uh, not writing continual gay jokes that aren't actually pointing toward the inference that people are making them because there's actually something going on there under the surface. (How about just don't make those jokes ever.)

Not being, apparently, oblivious (? questionable) to the queerbaiting they're engaging in *as they’re writing it.*

Acting like their LGBT audience is in the wrong/the bad guy, instead of choosing to remain respectful in the face of dissent. Instead it's just, "we never wrote it that way" / "We never played it that way."

A lot of those other mildly witty shows don’t actually blatantly drag their most passionate fans face-down through the mud the writers themselves created. Imagine that.

I'm not even a fan of Martin Freeman anymore, for the way he handled the whole thing (getting angry, the comments he made about how the fans made Sherlock “not fun anymore”...apparently Martin’s packing up his crayons and going home?)...no offense to anyone who is still a fan of his. I don’t make it a habit to drag him. I do to some degree understand his frustration with having the whole situation taken out on him--he’s just an actor in the show--but I simply wish he’d remained as cool and professional about it as Benedict Cumberbatch instead of pointing at the fans. You’re pointing in the wrong direction, mate.

What also irks me at the end of the day is this: the subsection of people who legitimately responded badly to the TJLC/S4 debacle and went above and beyond to harass the writers and actors/actresses on social media are *few and far between*, but we've been lumped in with them by what feels like...everyone, Martin included. TJLCers/Johnlockers (not the same group, but often treated as such) have been made to look like a bunch of rambunctious, immature, demanding children time and time and again in the wake of S4.

They'd rather, what, suggest John was so in love with Mary? THAT was the relationship they wanted to uphold in that show as so significant and...what, a demonstration of how honorable it is to respect your heterosexual relationship despite, you know...ANYTHING?

Yeah sorry, I don’t believe in that. John’s text-based affair, whether a disappointment for some as to his supposed character, was a very human reaction and I kinda sorta feel like I would have reacted MUCH more strongly than that had I been John. But nope. He stayed with Mary and was *ashamed* of his wandering eye. Ashamed that maybe he wanted to be admired by someone. I can’t think of a scene, off the top of my head, where Mary ever interacted with John without belittling him in some way--if not with words, then with consistently patronizing glances.

The message here is that heterosexuality is not just acceptable, but VALUABLE, however it manifests--but god forbid anyone see a queer subtext. (Why are lgbt+ writers some of the very WORST offenders where this is concerned? And they defend it! Is this childhood nostalgia/Stockholm Syndrome of the very fondest variety or what? Gay angst is all they got if they got anything at all, so it’s still good enough as far as “representation” goes?)

They really want to tell the story of John as so emotionally/mentally fucked up that he surrounds himself with unstable people time and again. They never give any reason *why* he might do that (which they could have done even soooo subtly), or delve into his past--just, apparently it's okay to assume that Sherlock's comment about "she's like that because you chose her" is exactly that.

No. Sherlock and Mary are NOT the same. Not...*remotely*!

Mary is underhanded and evil. She lies. She manipulates. She schemes. Her “love” is based on selfishness, and her assumption that John is a simpleton and hers to mold. She's in it for herself.

Sherlock hides. He prevaricates. He feels. He loves John. He does fucked up things in the name of love, but always for the benefit of those he loves. When he screws up, which he obviously does, it’s painful to us as the audience because we see that it is painful for him when he recognizes and regrets it.

I have never seen Mary regret anything. Those crocodile tears at Christmas? More manipulation. Inconsistent with anything else we were shown about her as a character.

To even think for a SECOND that people could ship Mary and John and mentally condemn John for cheating on Mary AFTER SHE SHOT HIS BEST FRIEND...as if marriage is the be-all-end-all free pass in which every sin must be forgiven until the end of time...as if John broke any covenant with his wife beyond those she broke from the very moment she walked into his life *with an entire fake past.* Is just. Well. It's asking us to accept gaslighting as healthy, loving, normal, *preferable* behavior, so...given the source that message is coming from, it's all a bit meta.

THAT. Is insanity. Maybe Mofftiss are the sociopaths.

How these men could write characters they themselves understand so little (or tell us they understand so little because their emotional maturity has yet to surpass that of the average three-year-old’s), I will never know. I can only imagine that they have absorbed, by osmosis over their lives, real and nuanced human behavior...then churned it back out again in their writing unaware, a bit like psychopaths who teach themselves what "normal" people do so that they can pass as psychologically sound in regular society.

Remember, we *are* talking about men who do these sorts of things:

Moffat says that Sherlock is celibate and that people who claim he's misogynistic when he does things like make Irene Adler imply she's attracted to the detective (even though she's a lesbian) are, ironically, "deeply offensive" (despite lines like "look at us both" in Battersea. We aren't your therapists, Moffat--we don't care what you meant, we care what you said, and what you *said* was clear. *Implying* it does not let you off the hook).

Gatiss has proclaimed that "I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting" than the idea of ever making a show addressing LGBT issues. (That link is to a reddit forum, and I can't find the original interview anymore, but I assure you I had seen the actual article myself ages back and can't find it online again now along with some of the Martin quotes I wanted to link to. And nevermind what Gatiss has done with LGBT shows/issues since--my focus here is on what he has said, versus what he and Moffat have since claimed regarding their queerbaiting.)

Here’s a transcript of this screenshot:

"...many people come up and say they didn't realise." Despite this lack of public awareness, being part of the gay community is clearly important to Gatiss: "The older I get the more I want to give something back. I mean, I keep meaning to do something." When asked if he'd be interested in making a series about gay issues his response was enlightening:

"No, I don't think I'd make a kind of gay programme. It's much more interesting when it's not about a single issue. And equally, I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting. Of course this reflects the grand picture of everyone's strange make-up; there are good gay people and bad gay people. I wouldn't like to make an issue film around the culture of being gay."

Instead Gatiss' interest seems to lie in making a drama where sexuality is, if not mundane, part of the wider framework: "I'd quite like to do something about a quite happy, ordinary gay person who's just incidentally gay. For example, a three-part thriller for ITV where the lead character just happens to be gay; when they finally go home, say 45 minutes in, and they had a same sex partner. That to me would be genuinely progressive. It wouldn't be a three-part gay thriller for ITV. It would be that this character just happened to be gay."

--End article quote.

And instead, who is canonically gay in the series? Well, Irene Adler. The innkeepers at the Cross Keys. And perhaps most notably, the *villains*, because that's a helpful trope: Moriarty and Eurus are, in S4, both implied to be at least bisexual.

Any character should be able to be any sexuality, this is true. But can we have some main characters, the good guys, give some good representation? Can't we start making that the standard, rather than the villains and the background characters? Because so far, that is the exception and not the rule.

Writers need to be aware of the damage they are perpetuating. We are not quite in a world yet where any character should be able to be any sexuality but isn't, yet we have no problem with saying the villain is LGBT+ or looks different/functions differently than much of the viewing audience.

"Male friendship is important and valid, not everything has to be gay"--this is a popular point with casual heterosexual viewers (and, to my chagrin, some of my LGBT+ friends) who don't fully grasp what "queerbaiting" is, often even when it's pointed out to them.

The lens of heterosexuality is real. My first time through watching BBC Sherlock, I didn't see the Johnlock at all. I had to look for it and read about it. When I saw it, the lens was lifted for me, and it changed my life and the way I view things forever (and for the best).

But back to my point about how little Mofftiss seem to understand their own story/most ardent fans, and then on to my other theory: in S4 it must be that they dropped their “psychopaths emulating empathy” act and indulged in their own "insane wish fulfillment" by doing away with all of the meaning, continuity, and sense. Right?

So, here’s the alternate theory. One which is not, please remember, in their defense.

Remember that S4 is what Mofftiss are *happy* to have us believe is what they'd do with these characters, given the chance to do whatever they wanted. I repeat, in Moffat’s own words: “Insane wish fulfillment.”

Okay I get it, this pasta has been over-salted.

Without further delay: MY COPYRIGHT RESEARCH THEORY THAT EVEN I DON'T PUT MUCH STOCK IN AND WHICH DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR THEIR CRUELTY EVEN IF TRUE

Part of me also raises an eyebrow at S4 as perhaps an example of the effect of the Conan Doyle estate on any modern production in the US. While it’s true that all of Sherlock is part of public domain in the UK and has been for quite a long time, Gatiss and Moffat still talk about it being partially under copyright. Specifically, the last 10 stories. I’m supposing that this means that because Sherlock airs internationally, or due to whatever contract the BBC has with the Doyle estate, they are still limited by the copyright as to what they can “publish”.

The Doyle estate is known for being a pain in the ass when it comes to abiding by copyright law as everyone else knows and practices it. They’ve tried to argue, for example (in 2013 and, much more recently, with the advent of Enola Holmes), that because Holmes and Watson were not fully developed as their final selves until the conclusion of all 10 stories still under copyright, then perhaps the characters themselves should still be protected, basically, in full.

It’s true that certain elements of the remaining stories are still under copyright here in the US (Watson had more than one wife--uh huh, we have that to look forward to, Johnlockers; the Garridebs moment is still under copyright--yeah, I’m getting to that too; and Sherlock didn’t care much for dogs til later so that’s not allowed either, fuck off Redbeard), but the estate’s problem in 2013 seemed to be based around a fear that *gasp* some day--if not right now!--anyone could write a Sherlock Holmes story in any way they pleased, changing the characters however they wished to and giving those characters “multiple personalities.”

See the following excerpt from the Estate’s case:

“...at any given point in their fictional lives, the two men's characters depend on the Ten Stories. It is impossible to split the characters into public domain versions and complete versions.”

(Click for full transcript.)

Obviously, by this point, that’s been done in multiple iterations. So I dunno. Their argument was *more* than muddy to begin with--they just grasp at straws to stay in control, it seems.

But okay. Backing up: wasn’t there sort-of a Garridebs moment in S4?!?? you cry. Yep. But imagine this: the Conan Doyle estate taking Mofftiss to court to argue that they depicted the Garridebs moment--a moment still under copyright--in The Final Problem.

Did they, though? Did they really?

The fandom cried out about the ridiculousness--the utter disappointment--of that moment when it was shown. It was not what we would have expected/wanted. We didn’t see John injured, Sherlock reacting with tender outrage to the good doctor’s attacker.

Instead we saw some ludicrous BS that was as bad as the clown with the sword-gun-umbrella. More of that.

I think Martin probably found that it was easy to produce real tears when he thought about how fucking terrible the S4 scripts were.

Ahem. Yet, this all seems very Mofftiss-flavored in terms of humor.

I can all-too-easily imagine them saying, “HA. We’re going to show some of these supposedly copyrighted things--and if they take us to court, they’ll be laughed out of the room.” Could that explain some of the overall S4 fuckery?

Sherlock wasn’t supposed to like dogs til later stories, as previously mentioned-- is that why Redbeard pulled a “Cinderella’s carriage” and transformed into a pumpkin (Victor Trevor)? Hmm. Sigh.

It...doesn’t actually appear that the estate has any qualms about taking laughable stuff to court, I mean...*shrug.* They have the money to do it, and money is the name of the game, because you’ve got to pay for rights (cha-ching sounds).

Yep, it does seem that the estate is open to the copyrighted materials being made reality, but who knows for what price or with what caveats. The BBC isn’t, so far as I’ve ever heard, known for throwing money around. Early Doctor Who would be so much less entertaining if they’d had any sort of budget. (And in fact, more of the older episodes would exist, but apparently the BBC--in part to cut costs--reused some of their tapes.)

My bottom-line bitter is this: Mofftiss do like to amuse themselves. To please themselves and no one else, as they’ve shown time and again. Sure, they could do whatever they wanted with S4...and they did...but they were also cruel about it, and that’s what I’ll never forgive them--OR the BBC--for.

A lot of fans gave up after series 4. I was very nearly one of them. I was angry, like just about every other Johnlocker and/or TJLCer, but I was really truly heartbroken. I couldn’t look at fanfiction. My days were full of bitterness and I keenly felt the lack of the fandom outlet that had become so essential to my mental well-being. I didn't know how to overcome the disparity between TJLC and what the show actually was. I didn't know how to separate the things I loved so much from the shitty writers and the way the BBC handled things with their whole response letter (that atrocious, childish blanket response they sent to everyone who complained about S4, not just the Johnlockers/TJLCers. Related to your complaint or not, if you filed one post-S4, this was the response you got). I still boycott BBC shows/merchandise, just by the way.

I tried to link to the blanket response letter but the link didn’t want to work (it’s an old reddit post; I had difficulty finding a copy of the letter elsewhere though at one point it wasn’t so hard...Google is weird these days y’all...tell me it’s not just me) so here’s a screenshot:

Transcript:

“Thank you for contacting us about “Sherlock”.

The BBC and Hartswood Films have received feedback from some viewers who were disappointed there was not a romantic resolution to the relationship between Sherlcok and John in the finale of the latest season of “Sherlock”.

We are aware that the majority of this feedback uses the same text posted on websites and circulated on social media.

Through four series and thirteen episodes, Sherlock and John have never shown any romantic or sexual interest in each other. Furthermore, whenever the creators of “Sherlock” have been asked by fans if the relationship might develop in that direction, they have always made it clear that it would not.

Sherlock’s writers, cast and producers have long been firm and vocal supporters of LGBT rights.

The BBC does not accept the allegations leveled at “Sherlock” or its writers, and we wholeheartedly support the creative freedom of the writers to develop the story as they see fit.

We will of course register your disappointment.

Thank you for contacting us.

Kind Regards,

BBC Complaints Team

So how about that? *Did* they “register our disappointment”? We can actually check that. The BBC’s website has a monthly summary of complaints received. So what did they receive in January 2017, the month S4 aired?

Huh, what do you know. Sounds like that blanket response was exactly the “fuck you” it came across as.

But the show--the FANDOM--had filled a need in my life, and so I had to own that and make it mine, or just...let something in me die: something that felt like an actual vital organ. I had to decide that these characters mean something to me beyond what anyone else tells me they should. I had to accept my own perceptions as truth, as I do with everything else in my life. I had to overcome the idea of canon as law (BBC Sherlock isn't canon anyway; ACD is canon. BBC Sherlock is, in the end, badly written fanfiction--or--worse?--decent pre-slash fanfiction distorted by consistent lies and the hazing of the LGBT audience, topped with the dumpster fire of S4′s incoherent nonsense).

I had to take the good and throw away the bad, just like anyone else who chose to stay. The good bits of the show...dialogue, yes. Plot points, yes. These awful writers did write some good stuff sometimes.

They just broke all the unspoken rules of what not to do to your audience. And then did and said everything they could not to apologize, and to justify their own failings. Which, in the years since I began shipping queer ships beyond any others, I have unfortunately experienced more than once.

So, my vulnerability has been yeeted into the vacuum of broke-my-trustdom: no one can tell me what things should mean to me. I will decide.

I decide that all of the FUCKING AMAZING writing in the Sherlock fandom is a staple in my life that makes it worth living. And that that's okay. And takes precedence over anything the writers or anyone else associated with the show could ever say or do.

Johnlock can not be taken away. It doesn't belong to them. It never did, even if they brought us to it. It belongs to us. To the group of amazingly creative, brainy, empathetic, resourceful, vibrant, resilient people who make up this fandom.

So thank YOU, all of YOU, for giving me Sherlock, Johnlock, and TJLC.

I am SO SAD for those who never found a way to make peace with this fandom again. Let me just say that I understand that inability entirely.

I am fortunate that I found the ability in myself to cling to the joy (something it has taken my whole life to be able to do). I hope others will who haven’t yet but wish they could.

Let Mofftiss and whoever sides with them stay angry and bitter and vicious, always looking over their shoulders for anyone who dares to whisper about subtext.

I’m proud to be part of what they’re whispering so angrily about.

Thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far. I know this was very self-indulgent and rambly.

Articles of interest:

A Study in Queerbaiting (Or How Sherlock Got it All Wrong) by Marty Greyson

“We never played it like that.” - Martin on Johnlock

Henry Cavill on the Enola Holmes lawsuit

More on that--and by the way Sherlock isn’t allowed to like dogs

The way Sherlock creators told fans Sherlock & John aren’t gay is so rude

Especially for those new to the fandom who may not know the distinction between TJLC and Johnlockers and want to know more about TJLC's evolution/what it is/meta through the years

Moffat's view on asexuality, offensive to me in particular *as* an asexual person (same article where he claims he isn't misogynistic): "If he was asexual, there would be no tension in that, no fun in that – it's someone who abstains who's interesting."

Yet he says Sherlock isn't gay or straight and that he's trying to keep his brain pure which is a "very Victorian attitude"

(Nice historical research there, Moff--actually the Victorians were sex-positive).

Sherlock fans were robbed of the gay ending they deserved

Benedict Cumberbatch has lashed out at his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman over his negative attitude towards fans

BBC complaints January 2017

Martin Freeman: 'Sherlock is gayest story ever'

From 2016: UNPOPULAR OPINION: "Sherlock" Isn't Sexist or Queerbaiting; It's Actually Trying to Stage a Revolution

Queer-baiting on the BBC's Sherlock: Addressing the Invalidation of Queer Identities through Online Fan Fiction Communities by Cassidy Sheehan

[just-the-mage]

Review-Love Death + Robots (Pt 1. Episodes 1-4)

So here we are again.  You, dear readers, and I, a mostly defunct tumblr page.  I was thinking...I’ve written a few reviews on here before, and I’ve rather enjoyed myself to be honest.  So until RP starts up again for me, I’m going to grab some popcorn and start reviewing some of the media I’ve been indulging in during this exceptionally fun pandemic we’ve all been saddled with (and are becoming increasingly more and more used to as time goes on).  Here we go! 

Spoilers incoming! I don’t like to discuss a show without going through it entirely-no stone unturned.  You have been warned! 

Love Death + Robots is a compilation series-each episode is self-contained content, based on what I have experienced thus far.  The content varies wildly from cute and sweet to surreal, to horrific.  For right now I’m going to stick with the first four episodes since they are fresh in my mind.  

Episode 1: Three Robots

Three robots shows a short adventure shared by, you guessed it-Three robots exploring the crumbling remains of human society.  It comes across as three tourists making their way through an area that they are completely unfamiliar with, attempting to define and understand elements of the environment as humans once did.  Their analysis and attempts to understand not only human culture, but also basic human biology, were entertaining to say the least.  Each robot has flair, character, and a their own take on humans and humanity.  Over the course of the episode, the fall of mankind is referenced a few times, being initially explained as a mass extinction due to environmental disasters (global warming is probably a factor-one of the buildings has an entire ship sticking out of it).  However, the twist ending throws that whole theory into question once the cat that has been accompanying the robots for the last leg of their journey reveals itself as capable of speech.  And, interestingly enough...being in possession of opposable thumbs.  It was certainly unexpected, and a bit odd-the cat (and its many, many brethren) manage to finish out the episode by convincing the robots that if the robots do not pet them, the cats may explode.  I will say that the ending, though it was rather silly and fitting with the tone, felt like an out of place twist intended mostly to give a bit of closure to a story that had no real need to have an ending.  It felt a little out-of-left field, at least to me.

This first episode, I think, is one that I could recommend to a much more general audience than almost all of the other content of the show.  It’s whimsical and cute, despite inhabiting such a grim setting (and grim it is-post apocalyptic is not taken lightly here.  There are plenty of corpses, some skeletal and some not quite so much.  At least one of them appears to have died by suicide).  I found it to be a nice addition and a good introduction to ease people into the tone of the show.  Definitely give this one a watch, even if the ending sort of comes from nowhere. 

Episode 2: Beyond the Aquila Rift

This episode was definitely a change of pace from the first.  It begins as a high science fiction story starring a hunky, middle aged man and his two crewmates, making some sort of cargo run (?) through a wormhole of some kind, but promptly finding themselves in a completely different place from what they expected.  Hunky space captain wakes up first, finding that he is greeted by an old friend (read: lover) of his, who explains that there was a navigation error that led them off course-way off course.  They’re in a completely different area than they expected.  The ship’s navigator wakes as well, swearing that there couldn’t have been an error in her calculations, but seems ill and is placed back in her future tech cryopod to rest.  Space captain man then bangs it out with his ex-lover (Greta) in a scene that was almost definitely written by a man, and she reveals to him that she lied, and that him and his crew are actually hundreds of light-years further off course than they had thought they were, basically dashing any hopes that he could have of returning to his old life.  The two then wake the navigator again, who immediately starts ranting that ‘Greta’ isn’t who she says she is.  At this point, enough clues have been given that the captain catches up with the audience (it was all a simulation the whole time), and he confronts Greta, demanding that she reveal herself as she truly is.  She does, after some prodding-and the captain finds himself in an infested husk of a ship, aged and haggard, obviously dying of starvation.  Greta reveals herself as a lovely spider-beast, and the captain wakes up from his pod again-back in his comfortable illusion once more.  

I love the premise of this one.  Crazy aliens and shit like this is a huge draw for me-sci-fi horror is probably my favorite subgenre of horror when it’s done well.  I would count this episode as doing it pretty well.  They don’t go into much techno-babble, which I think is a pitfall for some sci-fi stories.  The writers are well aware that we aren’t spending too long in this world, so we don’t need to know much about the rules under which it operates outside of ‘computer mistake your ship fly here.’  The twist ending didn’t end up being too much of a twist-in my opinion there were too many clues given throughout the episode to make it that much of a surprise that things weren’t as they seemed.  The odds of this man meeting his ex-lover in the infinitesimal reaches of space just by chance were a bit too impossible to make it believable-and the navigator was far too convinced that her work couldn’t be incorrect.  In the end, it was an expected twist, but still pretty jarring.  Execution is pretty good overall though-and the sex scene is pretty decent as well, even if its strictly a dude-fantasy thing.  Also, call me a sucker for cool looking beasties, but I adore the design on spider-Greta.  That’s a lady right there for you.  

Episode 3: Ice Age

The only live action episode I’ve seen so far-this one gives an *entirely* different tone than the majority of the other episodes in the series.  Topher Grace and Mary Elizabeth Winstead happen upon a lost civilization that exists entirely within their refrigerator.  They watch in awe as it develops incredibly quickly-hundreds of years passing within the civilization in roughly an hour or so of real time.  What starts in the morning as a town in the viking ages eventually develops into a modern society, almost destroys itself with nukes, and then rebuilds from the ashes into a fully futuristic society that quickly ascends beyond physical form, appearing to disperse itself into the cosmos, no longer bound by such petty rules as the laws of physics.  A disappointed Topher asks if they’ll return-to which he receives a sad ‘no’ from his partner.  It seems all is lost, and the couple go to bed for the night-only to find that the cycle has restarted overnight, and they probably won’t be able to keep any frozen chicken in the freezer for quite some time.

This one is probably one of my favorites of the series so far.  It’s fairly well acted, but the real beauty of the episode is getting to watch the mini-civilization develop itself in a glorious time lapse-the work that must’ve gone into it must have been monumental, to be honest.  The final product certainly felt that way, in any case.  What I also found fascinating was a specific scene in which the protagonists were abandoned in place of some of the tiny denizens of the lost civilization-which made me realize exactly how slow the ‘normal sized people’s’ actions must have looked to the diminutive people of this rapidly developing society.  Reminiscent of the earth’s motion in relation to our own perception-and reinforcing the concept that to an individual, perception is everything. 

Episode 4:  Sonnie’s Edge 

This episode opens with three people transporting mysterious cargo into a heavily guarded complex, quickly encountering and interacting with a ‘bigwig’ of sorts with a beautiful woman on his arm.  Through context clues the audience is easily able to discover that the three (pictured above) are here for a fight-and that their cargo is their fighter, a living creature of obviously immense proportion.  The bigwig asks the team to throw the fight, and they refuse, even after he offers a large amount of money.  (It’s worth mentioning that during this scene, ‘Sonnie’, the leader and controller of the beast fighter, shares an EXTREMELY homosexual gaze with the bigwig’s beautiful lady friend.  Don’t think I didn’t notice the setup, because I definitely noticed the payoff, even though it was rudely interrupted).  Sonnie and her teammates enter the ring, setting up as it appears that she will be piloting her fighter in some way.  Her opponent is also introduced, though he is hardly important in the story-imagine a cake of beef with a big sticker on him that says ‘mysogyny’ in bold print.  What follows is one of the most brutal fight scenes I’ve seen in animation (this is just my personal opinion though).  These creatures fucking tear each other to shreds, with Sonnie’s beast only just barely emerging as the victor, tearing the opposing fighter’s head clean from its body.  The bigwig is obviously angry, as is Sonnie’s opponent, and Sonnie and her team retires to a hotel room of sorts, with the exception of Sonnie-who slips away into the room that houses her fighter, promptly encountering the beauty from earlier! (Payoff time)..and it gets gay.  Fast.  I love me some wlw content, and there’s some nice tension here, right up until the beauty stabs Sonnie through the head.  Rude.  The bigwig reveals himself, which was a bit of a surprise-the part of me that hadn’t seen much of this show yet was hoping for a fluffy little happy ending.  It wasn’t to be though..after the beauty crushes Sonnie’s skull, the two promptly realize that ‘Sonnie’ wasn’t Sonnie at all-just some biotech.  The *real* Sonnie...was the fighter, the whole time.  Who promptly makes short work of both the beauty and the bigwig, (implied), in what I can only describe as the most satisfying moment in the series that I’ve seen thus far.  

This was easily my favorite episode of the show, and has continued to be, and I assume will continue to be my favorite through the rest of the series.  It’s not just because of the lesbian rep (my people!), or the misogynists getting fucking destroyed, but the strength of the reveal, the choreography of the fight scene, and the *power* of the protagonist.  I love her.  I love her sooo much.  We are seamlessly introduced into the world, shown a woman who has been beaten, scarred, faced sexual abuse, and she remade herself into a being of pure power.  She fought back, and *look how she fights back*.  I cannot describe just how much of a cheer-worthy moment it was to watch the smug smile be summarily wiped from the face of the bigwig.  I *love* seeing a villain who has full confidence in their victory suddenly realize that they don’t have the upper hand anymore...and that they are, in fact, absolutely screwed.  This was one of those wonderful, wonderful moments, and I can think of nobody more deserving than this villain of being torn to shreds.  This was an A+ episode for sure-100% recommend this one for anyone who can handle a bit of gore.  

Thank you so much for reading!  This is only part 1...more to come!        

[bebeglobe]

After months of Unemployment, Global Pandemic death tolls & infection-rate spikes, Family feuds, and losing what little money I had on me to lending to family members- I have finally succeeded in being consistent in one major life goal of mine. Needless to say, we have all gone through rough times since the 2020 quarantine and delayed government assistance to say the least. My goal was to gtfo of nyc by any means necessary!

2019 I moved out of nyc to Maryland. Every weekend for atleast a month, I have moved boxed belongings, 2 full sized rugs and of course consistent eBay deliveries of blanket set, sheet set, plant seeds and other much needed things that weighed pounds less than what I was toting a month of weekends. “I HATE MOVING”! However, I understand the necessity. While I’m making such a transition, I was forced to tote hard emotions of being pissed on by “loved ones”. Especially my “partner” whom I dumped due to selfishness and advantage taking. My world has been in a tail spin since 2015, honestly. The Love of my life died (My little brother) that year then my father followed months later. I managed by not dealing with my emotions and burying myself in heavy-duty, lengthy, laborious work hours. I had a short circle of Sister-in-law(s) and others that behaved selfishly. While I was making moves to leave one toxic environment I didn’t realize I was moving into another.

By the time I completely moved to my destination, I came down with pneumonia and was forced into serious downtime. My landlord was paid 2 months of rent and that bitch became a dirt devil vacuum! She constantly pushed for more money knowing I had none. I recovered enough to be able to do shopping and travel in and around town to both get to now the new environment as well as get what’s needed before snowfall. I was on a break from work 23rd December and recovered by New Year’s Eve to work a catering gig which paid poorly and taxed heavily. Still the demand for money kept coming. The landlord was beginning her family as this was her 2nd pregnancy by same guy she moved into the home while I occupied the basement. Over time she spitefully moved her old furniture into the basement ignoring our deal. After the holidays I travelled back to nyc for work but stayed at a friends apartment for easier inner city commutes during NYC legendary bitter winters. Rent wasn’t due and I was sharing my paychecks 3-ways anyway: Food for me +2 (verbal agreement with then friend’s mother), I started heavily smoking marijuana indicas to keep from blowing a fucking gasket on people, and helping out sister-in-law with monetary funds to feed my niece (so I thought). One day I only had $50 on me and said sister called once again begging for money. When I cash app her $50 her response was “That’s It”! I almost lost my shit but I was high so I explained very carefully to her not to push my buttons. She took the money and hung up. Atleast I have peace before the next payday. I thought... A lot has happened from December to February and I moved my belongings from Maryland to nyc. I gave landlord $50 the 2nd to last visit since she had no food, but, all I could think was “I will never be her friend again, nor will I keep communication”.

Every leach I had on me was cut-off. Then there was my exboyfriend now my fiancé (on probation, indefinitely). A year later I am incommunicado to everyone I know except 3 people. Then the quarantine happended. What everyone in mylife at the time had in common is that they had plans to graduate their lifestyle to higher levels but they all tried to cheat their way to the punchline. Now, they all try to reach out to me to this day pleading for help. “GET A JOB”! Then they were blocked and I have deleted all social media accounts to from now on. I will communicate another way. Inperson! Since I have cut these ties, I was able to be more consistent with achieving a planned goal. Of course, now my oldest family members thought it was a good idea to go that same route, a of today, they are unapologetically cut off. I am not planning to borrow money, I am a grown ass woman! I can wait for my next payday! I by nature am a saver, conservationist and an investor of all things Business and MY OWN LIFE.

I want so badly to talk about my gift to myself as well as an important-emancipating goal that is about to be reached, but, I have learned from “Karma” that if I speak of what hasn’t become a reality yet - bad omens (People and their evil spirits) curse me and distract me from my goals and I’m left starving and broke while others flaunt their money knowing they owe me. I had to use aggressive negotiations with those I have helped in the pass just to re-forge respect long over due and collect on unpaid debts. That I did! Needless to say, I am happy being all by my lonesome and I am “HAPPY”. I am in for such adventures the remainder of 2021 as I optimistically look ahead my new journey. I will announce my great news next week when this contract is finalized. The conclusion, I have learned hard lessons on how Narcisists use your love for them against you with no morality to how they deceived me. What has always been true is that they need me before I will EVER need them... And now, they are strangers to me. #NEVERAGAIN

[amphtaminedreams]

The Summer of Disappointment: Lookbook no.11

Hi to anyone reading,

Welcome to an exploration of one of my favourite combinations of activities: putting outfits together and moaning. Straight off the bat-this summer has been a shitty one. The pandemic has made 2020 a shitty year all round. My feelings are best summed up in this tweet by @25lambs (I love her account but this girl changes her @ every other week so it will probably have changed again by the time I post this):

The uncertainty of when life will return to some semblance of “normality” is the hardest part. I also feel like I lost a big chunk of my life to, well, being miserable basically, especially during my teen years and my plans to make up for that in my 20s has been potentially snatched away. That being said, in the grand scheme of things, I am very lucky. I still have a job and I haven’t lost anyone close to me, which are both hugely traumatic things that many people have had to go through as a result of the pandemic. I think being sad about how the pandemic has affected your life and also recognising that there are people who are facing a far greater amount of hardship than you are not mutually exclusive which is something people online tend to forget on a daily basis. I also thought we had longer, if that makes sense, like summer came and went in such a short space of time it almost feels like it hasn’t happened yet, and being the extremely anal individual I am, of course I had a load of outfits planned that I never got round to wearing-instead of sulking about what didn’t happen, I instead decided I’d make a bit of a lookbook out of those outfits as well as a kind of diary of what I did get round to wearing.

So that’s enough rambling from me! I’ll get on with it!

Looks 1-3

Depop has been my absolute favourite thing for the last few months. I gave up fast fashion around May and apart from a slip up or two, I’ve pretty much stuck to that since. That being said, I am clearly very into fashion and styling and so it’s been a hard transition to make (yes, first world problems IK, don’t bait me), especially with me being a compulsive shopper. Wanna know how to lose weight? The jig is up guys, switch from emotional eating to emotional shopping. I’m joking, nobody needs to lose any weight, but I am 100% someone who attempts to cure feeling like shit with some good old instant gratification, and Depop has filled my fast fashion void. My favourite purchases from the last few months include this tan faux suede jacket on the left I bought from Tash_Hall’s shop, and aside from that everything here is old. It makes me feel like I’m a background extra in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and I’m into that. The movie was shit but the visuals were top tier.

-21/07/20-

(top handmade by sophieeee_1123 on Depop)

-30/09/20- 

(dress from maisiemainwaring on Depop, jacket from marinamcaleesex)

-18/09/20-

(top handmade by maddypageknitwear on Depop)

-25/07/20-

(cargo trousers from amber_thomson1 on Depop)

Looks 4-6

So I doubt anyone actually reads my fashion week reviews-I know everyone’s here for the pictures-but if you did, you’d know how much I wanted last season’s Erdem hats to happen off the runway. You know, the big boater ones that tie under the chin? Well, I got one off Ebay, as you can see on the left, I can confirm that in anything other than still life they look absolutely fucking ridiculous; I never ended up wearing mine outside the house because if I wore it for more than two seconds it would end up teetering to one side and slipping off my head, hence me trying to pass off holding it up as a fashion moment, lol. Maybe they are completely impractical, maybe I just have a big head (which is true), who knows. The beaded butterfly top however (from Depop but I can’t find the seller’s account anymore!), also on the left, was way more flattering on than I expected it to be and I am gutted I didn’t get to wear it out. If they’re right about a vaccine not being ready until July 2021 then it looks like next summer’s festival season will be cancelled too, but festival season 2022, this top is coming for ya. Optimism, you know. Other than that, the shorts are reworked Levis from Studsnstuff vintage on Ebay, which I have ALWAYS wanted and now irritatingly pair with absolutely everything and call it a look, and the two piece is stolen from my sister’s wardrobe, lol. Lastly, we have the sunhat, which reminds me of something my parents would’ve put me in when I was little and is totally adorable, from Happydais’ Depop store.

-28/07/20-

-12/07/20-

(top from tash2 on Depop, skirt from anishacassanova)

-27/08/20-

(skirt from mollie_morton on Depop)

-19/08/20-

(jeans from izziesanders on Depop)

-16/09/20-

Looks 6-10

Up there with my favourite Depop purchases of the summer is the striped corduroy trousers in the bottom right from Annasctx’s shop. I was desperate for some vintage trousers in this style but most resellers were, typically, charging extortionate prices for them, so it was a blessing to come across these for under £30. It sounds like a lot but they are a popular item on there at the moment so it’s a good price considering! Also from Depop is the red bodysuit from Alzaska’s store, the monogrammed headband from Jadexlaurenx’s store, and the PU flame print beret from House_of_erotique who do the most AMAZING custom pieces. I am waiting on a couple of things from them at the moment for an American Horror Story inspired lookbook I’m doing for halloween and I am buzzing to try them on! The bag I’m using here is my new go to-it’s a second hand Calvin Klein I found for THIRTY FUCKING POUND in a local charity shop! The woman at the tills told me that lots of people had gone to buy it and then put it back because it was too expensive which is insane! I know you go into a charity shop for cheap things but this bag was such a steal I have no idea how nobody just bit the bullet and bought it. Anyways, I’m not complaining because now it’s mine and I'm in love and I’m gonna try not to spill a monster energy drink on this one<3 

-26/08/20-

-18/08/20-

(suit from emmafisher3 on Depop)

-10/09/20-

-15/08/20-

So, that’s it for now! If you got to this point, thank you for reading! I’m sorry it’s not longer but I’m finding it really hard to motivate myself to write at the moment with everything going on-I’m only finishing this now because it’s 3:30AM and my friend’s cat that I’m looking after is keeping me awake and I’m too much of a softy to shut it out the bedroom. London has just gone into tier 2 lockdown which means I can’t visit my sister or my friends up there, and they’re not allowed to travel down here either. I get it needs to be this way and that we have to make sacrifices, but that’s not to say it isn’t tough on a lot of people’s mental wellbeing. I was really beginning to get my shit together this year, lol! Oh well! Sorry 2021, messy bitch me is getting a sequel. I know, I hate her too.

With regards to what’s coming up on my page, I’m working on the American Horror Story lookbook I mentioned this week and then a (probably non-existent this year) party season lookbook following that. I do intend to do more mood boards and a summary of the S/S 2021 shows soon. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to do a whole ass review at the moment so I might spice it up and do a tier ranking or rating out of 10 or something fun like that, but there will definitely be something within the next couple of months! I also thought it’d be cool to do a post on the style of some incredible black influencers who are sorely underappreciated on Instagram for Black History Month, but even if I don’t get it out in October, expect that at some point.

Thank you to anyone who read this and thank you in general for bearing with me! I really hope things look up from here but regardless, if we all work together and be considerate of others, we can get through this. I hope everyone is doing okay and as always, if you are struggling, my inbox is always open. Post suggestions are welcome too, as well as feedback as long as it’s not *too* mean. A bitch is sensitive atm. 

Stay safe!

Lauren x

[kevinskorner]

2020 VMA’s Recap!

Every year, I always look forward to a few things and one of those things is definitely the MTV Video Music Awards. The VMA’s have been iconic every year since it’s inauguration in 1984 with Madonna’s Like A Virgin performance. As the insanely obsessed pop culture person that I am, the VMA’s are like a national holiday and I prepare myself heavily before they happen. For this year, obviously things are different because of a little thing called the Covid-19 Pandemic but anyhow, I was still excited. When the nominees got announced I was a very mixed bag of emotions. I was very excited because Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande got the most nominations of the year (9) but, I was disappointed because Harry Styles and Dua Lipa only got technical nominations and didn’t get any in the main category. One of my friends shared the same disappointment with me and they said how every nominee in Video of the Year was from North America and I didn’t even think of that. I wish they didn’t nominate some things... but that’s alright. As the weeks went on, I voted for my faves and MTV announced Keke Palmer was hosting whichreally got me excited again because she is a queen. Also, when they announced the performers, my favorites being Miley, Gaga, Ariana, and Doja, I became thrilled.

Now, here I am with my Rain on Me shirt on, a few hours after the ceremony ended and I got to say, I am IMPRESSED!!! That was an AMAZING ceremony. For an award show during a pandemic, I got to say MTV pulled, it, off. Let’s get into it!:

OH. MY. GAGA. 

Lady Gaga was the star of the night and I am NOT disappointed one bit. Going into the night as the most nominated artist (tied with Ariana) I had high hopes. When I heard she was performing, I screamed because I couldn’t believe we were FINALLY getting a performance in the Chromatica era. Knowing that she had so much planned for the era, it’s been sad to see none of it come to fruition. Now let’s live in the present. THIS PERFORMANCE?!? FREAKING INCREDIBLE. I don’t even know where to start. The beginning of the performance with the old television, her laying down on the couch (mask on!), and seeing the TV have the 1999 VMA’s (with BRITNEY mentioned!) was when I knew it was going to be one of the best performances of her career. THEN, she WENT DOWN THE POLL and Chromatica II started playing and I almost threw up. I was so excited that she chose to do that interlude and sing some of 911 (maybe the third single?)! I was shook. Next, she had a quick change and started singing Rain on Me, and I immediately was hyperventilating. When Ariana came out, I really thought I was gonna pass out. In that moment, I was just seeing a dream come true in front of my eyes. I saw two of my ultimate QUEENS come together and give me all the life I need. I mean, the outfits, the masks, the chemistry, ARIANA’S HIGH NOTE?! GAGA’S VOCALS?! I can’t even. After that, when she started walking to the Brain piano, I thought she was about to do 1000 Doves (Piano Version) but I was mistaken! It was the first single, STUPID LOVE! Honestly, I was so happy she performed Stupid Love and got it’s moment because that wasn’t even performed live yet before tonight. Her speech in between the Stupid Love performance was beautiful and I loved when she brought the beat in and danced her ass off. Ugh, I just love her so much. 

Onto the actual awards, I cannot believe that she won FIVE! I expected Best Collaboration and was hoping for Artist of the Year but I was NOT expecting Song of the Year! The one that I didn’t even know was happening thought was the FIRST EVER, TRICON AWARD?! The fact that MTV gave Gaga her OWN award for being an icon, a legend and a triple threat was filling my Little Monster heart with such PRIDE and JOY! Seeing her go up on that stage in a new look with a new mask each time, gave me a little boost of serotonin each time. She is just a goddess. There is no one like her and there NEVER will be. 

GOOD GOLLY, MISS MILEY

It feels amazing to be a Miley stan tonight. Miley has been one of my absolute role models since I was a child. I have followed her and supported her my whole life even when people didn’t and I got to say, tonight felt really good. Her performance was PHENOMENAL. Starting off with her GORGEOUS silhouette in that STUNNING black dress and  cross necklace with the red chrome light shook me because I was not expecting that. And, that break before the first chorus?!? LOVED. After, it went to a blue chrome and she started walking while it went full color. When I saw her walk towards some stairs, I had to catch my breath. Suddenly, I see a disco ball. Then she took the bottom half of the dress off and hopped on the disco ball and I SCREAMED. LOUDLY. The fact that she has such an ICONIC moment like Wrecking Ball where she can do something eerily similar and EVERYBODY knows it, is fucking SENSATIONAL! HER VOCALS WERE ON POINT, FACE BEAT, BODY SNATCHED. She just gave the most perfect glam rock pop star performance that I’ve ever seen. Miley having this mainstream moment again just made me so happy. ALSO?! SHE WON TWO AWARDS TONIGHT. I cannot believe Miley won two VMA’s tonight. She doesn’t win a lot of awards (which is extremely disappointing) and to see her win TWO for MOTHER’S DAUGHTER a single from last year that peaked at #54 on the Billboard Hot 100 felt incredible. I just love when she gets the recognition she deserves.   

Other Thoughts:

The Weeknd’s opening performance was so great!! Recently, I have gotten sick of Blinding Lights but this performance totally revitalized for me how great of a song that is. I don’t know how he was up so high but he did an awesome job and the fireworks were great! Also, I’m happy he finally won his first two VMA’s for Best R&B (even though it’s a pop song) and Video of the Year. 

Keke’s hosting was entertaining as hell. She was the perfect host for a time like this for many reasons. She’s funny, relatable, beautiful, entertaining and so many more positive things. I found her really funny and I just love her presence as a whole. Even her little performance was cute too! 

Doja Cat actually blew me away. I was not expecting her to serve that hard. The performance was so futuristic and felt like I was in a new universe. I loved her outfit and LOVED the Say So mix! Also, so happy she included Like That because it’s such a jam. I love Doja and ever since I discovered Juicy last year I've been stanning and this definitely solidified the stan for me. I am so happy that she won (RIGHTFULLY SO!) for Best New Artist. She has had a great rise and her performance definitely gives me high hopes for her future. 

My rankings of the performances are:

Pre Show:

1. Chloe x Halle - Ungodly Hour (THESE QUEENS ARE THE FUTURE!)

2. Machine Gun Kelly w/ blackbear & Travis Barker - My Ex’s Best Friend/Bloody Valentine (I have become really obsessed with his new music recently and love him)

3. Tate McRae - You Broke Me First (surprised by this cause I didn’t know anything about her before but she did a good job!)

4. Jack Harlow - What’s Poppin (cute ig)

5. Lewis Capaldi - Before You Go (🙂)

Main Show: 1. Lady Gaga w/ Ariana Grande - Chromatica II, 911, Rain on Me, Stupid Love (FUCKING AMAZING. SENSATIONAL, &, UNREAL)

2. Miley Cyrus - Midnight Sky (MY QUEEN SO ICONIC I LOVE HER SO MUCH)

3. Doja Cat - Say So/Like That (SO FUTURISTIC AND SOLIDIFIED HER WIN AND SHOWED THAT SHE CAN SERVE)

4. The Weeknd - Blinding Lights (really made me love the song so much more)

5. BTS - Dynamite (I like these boys but the fanbase is so much it stresses me out).

6. JP Saxe & Julia Michaels - If The World Was Ending (so cute, love Julia)

7. Dababy - Peep Hole, Blind, & Rockstar 

8. Maluma - Hawái (loved the drive in aspect)

9. Keke Palmer - Snack (wish she had more time)

10. Black Eyed Peas w/ Nicky Jam & Tyga - Vida Loca/I Gotta Feeling (no one can take Fergie’s place)

11. CNCO - Beso

To end this, I’m just gonna leave this picture here. :)

[petits--oiseaux]

20 questions for 2020

Something you did this year you’re proud of:

I got a new job!

What comfort tv shows did you rewatch this year? What album or song really helped you get through this year? What new show (or new-to-you show) did you binge this year that you loved?

Re-watched New Girl

FUCKIN FOLKLORE UGH <3 <3 thank god for Taylor

I can’t remember when I started Schitt’s Creek.. I don’t know if it was pre or during pandemic... 

Favorite masks? (Photos encouraged!)

adding a photo is being weird... I got two HP ones, one Maraurder’s Map on and another with snitches :)

Did you do anything extreme to your hair? Or how long did you go without a haircut?

I fiiinnally got a hair cut in July, I think. March and December are usually the months I get hair cuts (not on purpose) but since March was March... It went a few extra months. 

Biggest loss

Breaking up with Eric. Built in buddy at home :(

Biggest gain

My new job is really great, honestly.

Tell us about an act of kindness someone else gave you in 2020

Someone bought my coffee at Starbucks today! 

What is your favorite memory (or memories) from 2020?

I got to spend a good amount of time with my nieces that I wouldn’t have otherwise. 

Top 10 fav photos (or if you’re feeling like sharing, do several posts of fav photos. 10 selfies, 10 of pets, 10 of where you live, etc...)

Maybe I’ll reblog this for myself to show the photos!

How have your ways of connecting with others changed this year? What creative ways did you use to stay in touch with loved ones?

Obviously much more virtual. Luckily, my immediate family and I already share much of the same air, so I didn’t have to go too long without seeing them. We are hosting an online baby shower for my sister in January - I know that it’s not 2020 but I think this is still going to be a fun and creative way to be connected!

What’s a prediction you had about this year when everything was uncertain and “unprecedented” that you were completely wrong about?

Thank FUCK I was wrong about Trump being re-elected. I didn’t really make other predictions because the year was fucked lol

What practices or habits did you begin this year that you want to keep up even after the pandemic is over?

Mindfulness practices. Puzzling!

White people: How have you confronted racism within your life this year?//// BIPOC: what would you like to say to white people this year?

This year was the first time in my social justice journey that I said out loud “I would take a bullet for a person if it meant I was standing up for their right to exist” and OOF that hit me. It was a scary feeling but helped me realize that I really want to be as much of an ally as possible. 

Have you followed any social media, read any books, listened to any podcasts, or watched any movies about anti-racism that shifted your perspective this year?

Unfortunately, not. 

Did you participate in BLM protests or activism this year?

I bought a Black Lives Matter mask? I would say that’s one bit of activism that I tried to do. 

What does justice look like for you when you have been wronged?

The first thing that comes to mind is those people realizing they’re wrong and then feeling shitty.

Who had your back this year? Who are you glad you let go of?

Everyone as usually did! I didn’t need to let go of anyone <3

Do you consider yourself spiritual? Has this year shifted or changed your faith?

I actually started looking more into spirituality this year. I would say I’ve always been more spiritual than religious but I would like to get more into it. 

You get a magic wand to implement one policy change during the Biden/Harris Presidency, what policy would you want immediately passed? (If you’re outside the US, play along because we need your ideas)

God, can we get some actual health care in this country? 

What is something you really miss doing that you’re looking forward to being able to do in 2021?

I hope I can just go to Target for no goddamn reason except wanting to go to Target lol

[lifeinthegladhouse]

long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

---

There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ��weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE. 

[conversationswithcole]

Quarantine Blues

It is 3:45 p.m. on Tuesday here in New York and I am outside for the first time since yesterday afternoon. The birds are chirping, the sun is strong and I’ve been in my bed all day, which is in the basement so when the blinds are closed I refer to it as the dungeon. I wouldn’t even be outside right now if my Dad didn’t scream my name one hundred times to get up and get some fresh air. He was so sick of me ignoring him that he referred to me as Nicole and he NEVER calls me that. I don’t even think I can recall one time in my entire life that he has called me anything but Nic or Nikki. I was so sick of hearing him yell at me from the living room I came outside just to shut him up. But now that I have been out of my bed and in the sun for a half n hour I want to thank him; I needed that push.

The weather that we have had this Spring is bizarre. Two weeks ago it was 75 and sunny, not a cloud in the sky, with a UV index of 8 and half the population of Long Island looked like bright cherry tomatoes for the next week. The following Saturday it felt like we traveled back in time to mid January and it was SNOWING because temperatures dropped into the thirties. It’s certainly not helping to soften the effects of the quarantine blues.

This quarantine sucks. There is no sugar coating it, at least not for me. Yes of course there have been some small positives and moments of joy that have come out of this but overall it just plain sucks. It has been hard not to feel guilty about complaining when things could be worse, but honestly I hate that saying, because yeah sure things could always be worse but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel negatively about what is going on. I saw a post that read, “We are not all in the same boat, but we are all in the same storm”. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Whoever came up with this analogy hit the nail on the freakin’ head. In my opinion it is the best way to describe what this global pandemic feels like. 

Grief is hard enough to navigate, especially in the first year after losing your loved one. Trying to adjust my life to it’s new normal without my little brother while also adjusting to the new normal of a world in quarantine is like having a knife in a gun fight.

Exactly a year ago this month I had developed such irrational anxiety after so many years of build up that I felt like I was losing my mind. I had spiraled into this dark place and it was extremely terrifying. I had been going to therapy for a few months at this point but was still feeling like I had to do more. At first, I was highly against taking any sort of medication to help deal with my anxiety and high functioning depression but things had gotten to a point where I felt like I did not have a choice. I know I am one of the few lucky people who find the right therapist and the right medication on their first try, but that doesn’t mean it was easy.

I began going to therapy mainly to help me to deal with the trauma of my home life. Living with an addict had a tremendous effect on my mental health which directly affected other parts of my life outside my home. Addiction is not only an addicts disease, it is a family disease. 

Since my brother’s passing there have been thousands of different thoughts flowing through my mind. Some days in quarantine, when I am feeling extra lonely, and both of my parents are at work, I wish he was here with me. I wish we were quarantined together so that we could spend time doing things like playing Guitar Hero or listening to music while burning incense. But then I think to myself, is that really what it would be like? Or is this just a fantasy of what you would want it to be like if you could choose it? The reality of the matter is, that’s not how it would be. Growing up my brother and I were best friends. Only a few years apart in age, I had friends whose siblings were my brothers friends and when we came home every day all we had was each other. My older siblings have about a ten year age gap between us and they spent the majority of their childhood going back and forth between our house and their mother’s home. We were close even after I went away to college and the distance between us slowly came about the deeper he fell into his addiction. By the time he had passed our relationship was in turmoil. I had reached the point of resentment and full on rage. After five years of standing by his side and trying my absolute best to help him and everything my parents and I had done for him I couldn’t fathom the fact that he still was choosing to do this to us. 

Realistically if things were exactly the same as they had been right before my brother passed and we were sentenced to this at home lock down, it would’ve been a fucking nightmare. Imagine being stuck inside your home with a heroin addict in the midst of one of his worst drug binges thus far? I’m hoping that you can’t imagine this but if you can, or are currently going through it, I am praying for you. It would’ve been torture for everyone, including my brother. 

I function my best with a consistent and healthy routine. I like to have a set work schedule that does not change at the last minute. I like to plan out my days at the beginning of the week so I can be the most efficient. Right before this quarantine I was in such a healthy place. As healthy as you can be while grieving, but nonetheless I felt good. I had my routine down pact. I was training for my first ever half marathon, things were going really well with work and babysitting, I had my schedule set and I planned out my training and my free time around that. I was making great money and finally putting a real dent into my credit card debt. I was excited for all of the things that were planned for the near future. Between losing all of this overnight AND the loss of my brother just six months prior, I was crushed.

Before I started writing last month I had been speaking my thoughts and feelings via my Snap Chat story, which gave people an opportunity to respond directly to my videos. I received a ton of messages from people that felt similar to how I had been feeling since this pandemic flipped the world upside down. They shared what works for them and I appreciated that they took the time to reach out. This is the beauty of conversation. 

Connecting with others makes it that much easier to take a deep breath and realize that you are allowed to feel this way and more importantly that you are not alone. Life is literally like a roller coaster, it’s full of ups and downs and twists and turns and sometimes it happens so fast you don’t even realize it’s happening. 

Today was most definitely a down day. I did not want to get out of bed for anyone or anything and I took a two hour nap before noon even hit. This is an overwhelming and confusing time for the entire world, and we all need to be there for each other because everyone is going through this storm just on their own boat. 

We should all work on being a little kinder to ourselves and to remember that it is totally okay to not feel totally okay. 

As for me, I’ll be taking my ass back to my bed in the dungeon for the rest of the day because I’m not okay today and that is okay.

[insidethemindofk]

Finding My Way Back...

Well Hello There! Longtime No see..

To whoever is reading this, welcome to my blog!

It has been a long time since you’ve seen (or read) from me last. For this, I truly due apologize. But to me, my unexpected hiatus was not the end of this blog, but the process of beginning something new — transformative if you will. I big part of myself had to die in order for me to turn into the new version that I find myself today. I hated to see her go, and I mourned her with all my heart. 

But, in order for growth to happen, you must let go. 

So, over these past eight months, I had to take a step back and re-evaluate how I wanted my life to be. I suffered through some traumatic things and instead of facing them head on, I pushed them away and continued on with my life. Just as an FYI, I do NOT recommend doing this! Not addressing your feelings and the things that you are struggling with will only cause you more pain in the long run, trust me I know.

Someone long ago told me that throughout this life, you will go through many phases, and that you should always be able to learn something from each of those phases along the way. So what have I learned?

#1: Be gentle to YOU.

For the entirety of my life, for as long as I could remember, I have always been hard on myself. On top of having strict parents with high expectations, I would add more pressure on myself to succeed in everything that I did. I still have this mentality today (to a certain extent). It didn’t matter if it was getting good grades, perfecting my dives during dive practice or cutting time during swim practice. It could be a simple as doing my chores, whatever I was doing, I had to do it well, or not at all. It was almost inspiring at first, my parents seemed to be proud of me, along with everyone else in my life. But around the time when I started high school I began to see the effect it took on me. I stopped eating, I was always stressed out, and overall I was not happy in my life. This continued into college and saw itself at it’s worst at the start of the pandemic. Once those expectations are met, there are higher ones set to achieve. This never-ending process is very draining, taking the life out of me to the point where I could barley function. 

But, at the beginning of my third year of college, I made the decision to just take life as it is. I take a full credit load of classes and work two jobs, the last thing I needed to stress about was being perfect in every aspect of my life. As long as I pass my classes, it’s okay. If I decide to watch a movie, or hang out with my friends instead of spending every free minuet of my life on school, that’s okay! 30 years from now no one is going to give a flying fuck if I was perfect during the years I am currently living now. So, in part I choose me, I choose my well-being and I choose to be gentle to myself. 

Take it one day at a time, and everything will sort it self out eventually.

#2: Do things that make YOU happy.

In this life, sometimes we are expected to just put aside our wants and needs at the expense of others. This can put us in a cycle of always putting people first before ourselves. Yes, in theory this is not necessarily a bad thing (for the sake of being empathetic) but when it becomes a repetitive thing there in lies the problem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping people, but if it involves you to put yourself at risk, you probably should stray away from doing so.

For me, it caused me to become distant with myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I did something that I loved or that I cared about; like watching a movie, crocheting or even riding my motorcycle. Once I realized I was sacrificing my own happiness to make someone else happy I had to take a step back. Once I did this I saw the big picture, and I’ve been putting myself first ever since.

Never stop doing what brings you joy, because isn’t that what life’s about?

#3: YOU are the priority. Focus on YOU.

“Focus on yourself!” they say. “Oh my god I’m sick of this phrase! What does it even mean?” Is what I would think to myself almost everyday. During the months after I got my heart broken, I was lost. Like, really lost. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, and honestly, I didn’t even know who I was. I was hurting bad, and the confusion was real because what do you even do in this situation? How do you start again? Hell, how do you move on? All these questions were driving me nuts, and I lost sight of myself, which caused me to fall back into bad habits. But through the pain, I eventually saw the light, at least that’s what I told myself. But in reality it was still struggling, and I let this energy out through my writing, focusing on my job and my schooling. But I forgot to focus on the most important thing, ME!

By focusing on everything else, I let myself fall into the shadows. I was so hurt, and I did not see the point of anything at all. This is part of the reason why I began to neglect the very thing that was helping me through, this blog. As painful as it was to step away, I knew it would blow up in my face if I didn’t take a break. This was applicable to every aspect of my life. So I slowed down on everything, wrote down things that I wanted to do, and I did them. 

If it was spending more time with my friends, eliminating men out of my life, going on more motorcycle rides or spoiling myself with whatever I wanted; I made it happen. I knew I need to find myself again otherwise the misery would linger on, which is the last thing I wanted.

So, let this be a reminder...

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

I know, it may sound cheesy but I am coming to find out that there is some truth to this. Life is.. well, life. It’s unpredictable and you never really know what it will throw at you. But as long as you stay grounded in who you truly are, everything will sort itself out in due time. Believe in yourself, you’ve got this! Best of luck.

Until the next one,

- K

[style-beat-webzine]

Who likes to rock and roll?

I do, I do, I dooohooo (if you know you know)

So, you’re probably wondering why the rock and roll in all my socials, huh? We get it, Michelle likes to rock and roll, but why? Well here’s the story you little rockers, enjoy the whirlwind, it’s not really a whirlwind but that word felt right, haha 

“It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled” - Led Zeppelin

And it really has been a long time since I rock and rolled, I mean I’m obviously referring to the pandemic, but also the fact that I haven’t photographed a concert in 6 years. I used to photograph bands with photo passes in the photo pit at concerts. Some of those passes have been for some of my favorite bands; The Maine, The 1975 and All Time Low (at the time, not huge ATL fan anymore) just to name a few bands. I stopped because I got too into my head that my photographs weren’t as visually pleasing as the other photographers in the pit with their big fancy lenses and expensive cameras. Obviously in retrospect, I’m an idiot to think that, but that’s how I felt at that moment in my life, so I stopped.  

Here’s a picture I took of the band, The 1975. I think this was the last show I actually photographed with a press pass and haven’t photographed a concert since. That was back in December of 2015!! This particular show was at the Riviera Theater in Chicago, IL 

While I was taking classes at my community college I took every single photography course they had to offer ranging from film to digital. I started out in film photography in high school then progressed to digital while I was at college, I became a fan of how cost effective digital photography was opposed to film photography that’s why I made the big switch, other than that I loved being in the darkroom developing images with chemicals and water washes. The professors at my college would leave out art magazines for us to read while our film developed, or if you had some down time waiting for your prints or film to dry. I found out about a music photography book in one of those magazines, the book was about the photographers who photographed rock and roll musicians. It’s called Who Shot Rock and Roll?, how perfect is that title!? I put it on my xmas wish list that year and got it!! I read that book the moment I got it and didn’t stop until I was finished, well I’m exaggerating because it’s pretty hefty in size, haha it was a really fun read, highly recommend if you’re interested in that sort of thing. I’ll link it HERE 

After I read that whole book, one of my life’s missions was to get a photo pass and photograph a band in the photo pit, and I did just that. Did you know that it was The goddamn Rolling Stones that made the 3 song rule?! If you’re not familiar with the 3 song rule, it’s a rule that the photographers in the photo pit only have the first 3 songs to photograph the band before they have to get out of the pit. Bullshit right,  but ok Stones, I see you and fuck you Sirs, respectfully. Sometimes you don’t even get the full 3 songs, when I was photographing the band Circa Survive we got kicked out of the photo pit a song and a half in, (Anthony Green kept jumping into the crowd). The bouncers told us we had to leave after the song we were currently photographing was over which was song number 2, but it still puts a damper on your spirit to hear you won’t get another song to photograph the band. Then there’s this feeling of added pressure to make sure you get the winning shot, or else the whole photo pass is a waste. I’m being dramatic, but you get my point.  

Thankfully I did get that winning shot!! Here is Anthony Green performing with Circa Survive at the Vic Theatre in Chicago, IL in October of 2012

Honestly the adrenaline rush you get from photographing bands from the photo pit feels like a drug, and I became addicted. Any concert I was going to I tried to get a photo pass for it, most of the time I was successful luckily for me!! 

Here’s a fun little side story about one of my favorite bands, The Maine. I got to photograph them quite a bit, and one of those times I was leaving my house to drive into Chicago to photograph them at one of their concerts, my Dad called me a groupie because I’ve seen them so many times and he recognized their name. I laughed so hard and said “I don’t sleep with the band, Dad!! I’m just going to take pictures of them, who do you think I am?” haha like wtf, Dad!? So then I had to teach him what a groupie was :)

Anyway, I’ve always felt that my spirit was a rock and roll one from an early age, I’ve always stayed true to myself and always felt like I rebelled against societal norms, because I saw the hypocrisy in a lot of those “norms.” But it was mainly because you know, certain situations throughout your childhood that made you feel like an outsider and all that jazz. Moving on from that tangent, one of my favorite things about Rock & Roll is that it’s origins stem from Black Culture. Don’t quote me, but I believe it was a mixture of jazz with rhythm and blues that were the foundation of what became the Rock & Roll genre. My dad was the first one who taught me that Little Richard and Chuck Barry were the true rock and rollers, and not all those classic 70s rock bands you hear so much about, (hint, hint: please refer to those groovy hair flips in the beginning of this post). I honestly didn’t believe him until I took a course in college called Mass Communication for my journalism degree. There was a chapter dedicated to how segregated the radio was and how white artists would cover the black artist songs. And you guessed it the black artist wouldn’t get any recognition for their actual work!! Prime example, when you hear the song “Hound Dog” who do you think of? Probably, Elvis right, or maybe Little Richard? White America hid shit from us yet again didn’t they, because the first person to record the song was a black woman named Big Mama Thornton who was a rhythm-and-blues singer. Where’s her page in the United States music history books? I mean I didn’t find out about her until this year (2021). 

One day I was letting my mind wander and I thought who was the first person to record the song Hound Dog? I thought it was Little Richard, because I had a sneaky suspicion that Elvis certainly wasn’t the first. So I researched it and found Big Mama Thornton, and her voice is so powerful. HERE is a youtube video of her singing Hound Dog, and a mega plus, she’s plus size too, ahhhh she’s perfect!! I’m going to have to do some more digging on her and her musical career :) 

Here she is, Big Mama Thornton!! I’d love to see what that dress looked like in person. 

That’s basically how I’ve come to name all my socials with Michelle Likes to Rock and Roll, because I do, I like rocking and rolling through life. I always want to keep searching for new things that I find interesting and to discover new music and trends. 

Enjoy your moment and thank you for the read!!

Sincerely,

Michelle 

PS I found this video on youtube of Jimi Hendrix singing Hound Dog you can find it HERE  

[thisislizheather]

2020 Resolutions Revisited

Resolutions in 2020? It seemed like a good idea in theory. Even though many things took a wrong turn this year, some notable things happened as well. I spent hours upon hours with Nathan on his podcast, I naively made a list of quarantine things to do back in March when we were all still optimistic, I played dozens of games on Jackbox with my family on Zoom, I took a lone 15 mile walk from Queens to Manhattan mid-shutdown, my grandmother passed away and I wrote some things about it, we were able to still spend our anniversary in the hills in Vermont, my friend Irene and I spent the day in Sleepy Hollow, I wrote about the full moon on Halloween, even though there was nowhere to go & nothing to do I still had to dress up for October 31, I wrote about the greatest holiday side dish, I compiled my favourites of 2020, I spent Christmas on Zoom, and I found my favourite photos of the year. Here’s how my 2020 resolutions went.

1. “Read at least one book per season.”

For winter, I read Jenny Slate’s Little Weirds, A Short Guide To A Happy Life by Anna Quindlen (super small book but I’m still counting it) and Johnny Carson by Henry Bushkin. For spring, I read Untamed by Glennon Doyle. For summer, I read We’re Going To Need More Wine by Gabrielle Union. And for autumn, I read Sofie Hagen’s Happy Fat.

2. “Start doing pilates again. I used to love pilates and then abandoned it once my old gym closed down. More pilates in 2020.”

Gyms closed in March, so I’m afraid this did not happen. Bonus note: I did finally quit the gym in early March, which is something I’d been wanting to do for a long time. I’m thinking about just getting back into Pilates DVDs, that might be the answer.

3. “Juice at least five times a month.”

January - 5 times

February - 5 times

March, April, May, June, July, August, September: not even kinda!

October - 1 time

November, December - whoops!

WOW. Just wow. I guess in the midst of a global pandemic, juicing just vanishes from your entire mind. Fair.

4. “Take Baby Dog on an adventure at least twice a season.”

Winter: I took her to Central Park and to volunteer at an elderly care facility that has a monthly dog event.

Spring was a pretty hardcore lockdown situation.

Summer: We drove her to Vermont and walked her once to Central Park.

Autumn: I took her to Canada.

Winter: We took her on the Polar Drive.

5. “Properly go on a date with Nathan at least once a month.”

In January we didn’t do anything and in February we went to a Raptors game and also to a museum together and then the world stopped. In August we were able to safely drive to Vermont and it was wonderful. Other than that, "going on physical dates” would have been impossible with everything shutdown.

6. “Try at least one new restaurant each month.”

January: Portale (phenomenal) & even though I’d already been to Peter Luger I went again to try the lunch burger (it was good, but nothing to travel to Brooklyn for).

February: Frank (very good! But I have no urge to go again).

March: I Sodi (wildly disappointing, will never return).

April - August: restaurants were mostly closed.

September: Gramercy Tavern (wonderous), Atoboy (fantastic, tuna was heaven on a plate) & Arte Cafe (so perfect and casually great). Note: all were outdoors and/or takeout.

October: Erin Mills Pump & Patio (delivery) (great!)

November & December: none

7. “Submit pieces to publications at least five times each month.”

In May, June & July I think I submitted pieces about 10 times each month. Does that make up for every other month? No. Must get better and more regular about this one.

8. “Go to at least one literary event every two weeks.”

Hahahahahah, not a chance in hell.

9. “Save $50 every Monday until June to use for Europe spending money.”

I did this and then the world told me to go fuck myself. Europe was postponed and the money that I saved went towards rent & living expenses for the coming months since I wasn’t working.

10. “Once a month, call at least one person I haven’t talked to in awhile to catch up.”

This was actually a great thing to do during the beginning of quarantining. It did fade around summer for me because the looming loss of regular life was starting to set in, but still. I liked this resolution. I wish I’d kept it up.

11. “Every time I buy something new, I’ll donate or throw out one piece of clothing.”

I did this about half of the time, mostly because I kept forgetting. You know when you buy something new and you’re just so excited about it? It’s hard to remember things when excited.

One thing (not listed) that I did keep up with? My monthly roundup posts. I can’t believe that I’m still doing them, to be honest. Here are the links to the last twelve months of them. (January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December)

All in all, I think it’s a miracle that I attempted to accomplish anything last year. 2021 resolutions coming soon!

[misfitgirlonanisland]

New Year’s Resolutions 2021

i’m writing this post with my belly full from one of my countless binge eating series i had this year.

well folks, i know nobody is gonna care to read this post, but i kinda promised myself to do it for my own wellbeing: writing something down is better than just thinking bc i know myself too damn well, i will procrastinate and never take the time for a good face to face talk with said person here (mind to mind talk could do better, to be fair)...anyways, i was getting lost in trivia comments here, let’s get to the point.

There is no easy way to say this but looking back this year has been a failure, i have been a failure. after spending one semester abroad where i had the time of my life and i was loving myself like never before, i was feeling myself, i came back and what did i decided to do? be depressed. and this was even before the whole corona virus damned thing. so i came back and i hated my life, every possible thing i had in my old and boring and monotone life: i hated my place, my town, my life, i hated the chains that tied me to this reality of things and in this world i was forced to live in i even hated myself. i thought it was normal, i told myself i should be gentle and give myself time to realize how golden were the times i had overseas, that that one was a fairytale and i got my call of midnight...well i had no time to adjust to my sucky reality that the pandemic started to blow up. so before i even understood a thing, we were all in this big giant and apocalyptic scenario. i had two weeks of normal everyday life and then the lockdown. OKAY, thank you Jesus, if you hated me you could have just said so... i had to go back home. my depression already kicked in, i came back fat as a pig and at home, where i was even sadder and felt more claustrophobic and lost i kept gaining weight, binge eating the crap out of my shelves.

Result: stretch marks, big and red stretch marks on my inner thighs. now i love stretch marks, but those were a wake up call for me: i always had changes in weight but never this serious... i looked at myself and i wouldn’t even recognize the reflection anymore. i was doing nothing all day, when instead i had to study and work on my assessment for my graduation. i risked my graduation. i was just shocked with myself and began to feel really uncomfortable with my mind: i thought that i have these big dreams and plans for my future but maybe i am not strong enough, not motivated enough. maybe i got it all wrong...

i rebuilt myself: FUCK MY LITTLE BRAIN, FUCK ME! i screamed in my head, i am way stronger than this. i need to get it straight, i need to get it right, i’ve worked my ass off before and i can do it again. i deserve this and i am not gonna throw it all, i am not gonna screw this up!

well...it worked! i was back on track: i started living like a normal and functional human being, i started exercising daily and lost weight, i was feeling strong and regain some mental stability, i felt confident enough to go out and feel kinda fine. i got a friend who helped me get up in the morning, he would call me every morning and hear my rocky morning voice when i confused as fuck don’t even know my name. we would study all day together (skyping like in the early 2000s) and chatting, laughing, i really love him and i am so grateful to have him in my life. my other best friend, well with her i had a pretty rough time with her last semester, but we prepared together our chinese exam and, God, we were on fire. finally my best shrink and adviser, i always run to her whenever i am a wreck cause i know she won’t ever, once, judge me, my kpop queen, she kept me sane, safe and loved. i got past the semester, i got my graduation with full marks and got to pass every fucking admission test for the masters i wanted to attend. each one that i tried, each one of them...i thought i would be happy with what i did, i had to be happy: i mean, i was doing fine! i even had a summer flirt (veeeery brief but you know, it always boosts your confidence a bit)

WHAT WAS I MISSING?

Well...i still have no answer to that!

to be completely honest i was still insecure about my appearance and body, but that i had it all planned: going back to uni for me means going back to a “healthy” lifestyle and it always pays in image, i always feel better and consequently treat me better, like if i were some kind of princess.

So as happy and with my hopes high i start in September this new chapter of my life.

i was doing okay at the beginning: i mean i knew somethings changed, but i got in the master i always wanted and hoped for, i was getting thinner, i was then feeling more confident and i even got to be the crush of a guy who seriously was dying to see me every time he had a chance, i tighten this bond i had with some friends in uni and i love them, i do...but something cracked inside of me

i started to feel all this pain, numbness and void i couldn’t fill with anything. not enough cigarettes or food could help me, but did worse instead. at the beginning it was a matter of some sporadic days, then it lasted for longer and it occurred oftener...to the extent in a month i was counting with my very own hands the days i felt like i could live a normal life. with the second lockdown i decided to stay in my college city, alone at home and this was on one hand a blast, sick in a very positive way, on the other hand i had the freedom to behave like i wanted. so i lost myself various times, i thought about the sense of living, i thought i was not meant for this life, that i had not enough tools or capabilities to survive this lifetime of my own. i didn’t recognize what i wanted to do in life, i didn’t recognize what was i even doing and who i was. the days were just passing by, each one of them the same. i didn’t even care to bother what was the time, what the weather outside was like. i was just spending my life in bed and in the kitchen eating everything passed through my wicked mind.

there i recognized i may be suffering from something a bit too big for my bare self only. but who wanted to go to someone and admit to have once again been defeated at life? not me, not now. no sir! i can do it on my own, i thought...and i was wrong, again.

“get up you undefined mass of lard and bones, get your shit together and do something”. this helped me that time i was beaten pretty bad, after a week and a half i spent in bed, not even having the strength to shower. i got up, eventually, and i did fine. i thought i was doing it again, “who needs to seek help?! i got me, i know how to behave, i know what to do, don’t need nobody but me to get back on track”

and two weeks after another breakdown

and then again, after three/four days, Sergeant G is back! i checked upon myself once again and got back on my feet ready to fight another battle.

i am tired and ashamed, i have to admit i am losing this war. every time i get up i fall, and it takes me more energy every time to believe in myself. i don’t even know how to walk straight anymore, i just know somehow i am gonna trip again.

here i am, dear G, it’s almost 6am, it’s the 31st December 2020 and you have not taken a shower since Xmas’s Eve. It’s not important how i ended up here writing to you, or even how bad i’ve been feeling these days. what’s past is in the past, i told myself i would give me until the new year so i know i am also taking advantage of that...anyways again i am talking too much.

the deal is: you gotta get your life back and we understood you cannot do that alone. i have the exams coming so for now i need to be focused and concentrated on those. after that i am gonna search for someone who can help me understand what’s going on in that head of mine.

it’s been way too long since i last truly enjoyed being myself and being alive. i want to be happy again and laugh again until i cry and feel alive again, i want to fall in love with who i am and with every little thing that makes being alive a gift.

these are my goals:

1. unfortunately my first thought goes to my exams: GOD give me enough mental health to prepare them and pass them

2. fix yourself and love yourself

3. be grateful for what you have and for the opportunities life gives everyday

4. dedicate more time to what makes you you

5. don’t hate yourself over food

6. laugh

7. love

8. enjoy the little things

9. embrace the challenges of life

10. find your way back to you

11. travel

12. dream

13. fight for what you love and for what’s right

14. be kind

15. read more

16. sharpen your cinematic culture| make yourself one

17. don’t stress over what was yesterday and what can be tomorrow, live the present: day by day

18....

these are just some of the simple rules i wanna live by starting from tomorrow. they’re not imperative, some days i can forget to follow them, some days are just big fat NOs, i have to accept it and move on.

until then, be brave little and sick G, see you in 2021, stay alive!