#i WILL make everything catholic gay and depressing try and Stop Me!!!

[blood-mocha-latte]

wip tag game

tagged by the incredibly kind @fidelias <3

RULES: Post the last sentence you wrote (fanfic / original / anything) and tag as many people as there are words in the sentence.

this was ridiculously confusing to figure out because i was like wait. the last sentence i WROTE or the last sentence that i put into the wretched computer. in the end i went with Wrote, so have something for the Untitled Mota Fic ;)

“You feel, sweetheart. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’ll always just be the person who loves more.” John feels the corners of his mouth hook down, like he’s a marionette, controlled by a puppeteer, like he’ll start to cry. He doesn’t. He won’t. “I don’t want to be.” He whispers to his skinned knees. “That doesn’t matter.” His mother soothes, and it’s not comforting in the slightest. “God chose for you.”

not tagging anyone because i think y'all've been tagged already, so the floor's open to anyone <3

[transmascfrankiero]

all of mcr’s songs ranked out of ten based on whether or not you can strip to them:

romance: could work if you were going for a Super Melancholy smiths-esque vibe but overall too slow and pretty. 1/10

honey: headbanger soundtrack to showcase your revenge body to ur ex. bonus points for underlying ‘gonna murder shitty boyfriend’ context thanks to audition-inspired video. but slightly too angry to be seductive. 5/10

vampires: too goth, too many feelings. reminds me of pot dreads frank. would not work. 0/10

drowning lessons: this song is cursed and cannot be listened to in public unfortunately 0/10

sorrows: if u were going to do a strip routine while beating the shit out of someone for trying to stealing ur tip money this would be a gr8 choice 6/10

halos: it’s about blowing your own head off and taking too many pills to cope w/ wanting to die all the time. 0/10

turnstiles: please do not!!! strip!!! to a song!!! about 9/11!!!! what is wrong w/ you!!! -100000000/10

monroeville: if u were doing a private lil strip dance for your george a. romero-obsessed s.o. where u both cry over the idea of having to kill the other person b/c they turned into a zombie then sure??? but other than that no. .5/10

best day ever: ehhhhhh. too fast. kinda weird to get sexy to unless u have a hospital kink. 0/10

cubicles: wow the thought of doing a strip routine to a song about pining for ur coworker who doesn’t know u exist is too sad to even joke about -20/10

demolition lovers: it’s a long song but it’s got cool tempo changes for variety and if u got the stamina then go for it. 4/10

helena: so, like, i get it. it’s a bop. u could dance to this beat for sure. the costumes and color scheme from the video make for gr8 stage pictures and the dancing corpse lady is v pretty. i could understand why if u were doing an emo strip routine u would want to use helena. but please for the love of all that is holy do NOT strip to a song gerard way wrote about his dead grandmother okay i am BEGGING you -∞/10

give ‘em hell kid: FUCK YEAH YOU LOOK PRETTY WALKIN DOWN THE STREET IN THE BEST DAMN DRESS U OWN. 10/10

to the end: this would be a hilarious choice for a bachelor party ngl 7/10 for that alone

prison: absolutely you could strip to this song but u gotta COMMIT okay u gotta light something on fire onstage and challenge gender norms while screaming your head off 8/10 but only if ur not a coward

i’m not okay: it’s a bop, but can u strip to it? no. 0/10

ghost of you: mikey way did not die on a beach in fake normandy for u to strip to ghost of you. seek help -5/10

jetset life: dude this song like. actually works??? for a strip routine??? so long as you don’t actually listen to the words, from a musical perspective, u could totally strip to this 10/10

interlude: what kinda weird catholic shame kink do u need to have to strip to this song. also it’s too short and too pretty. -5/10 (unless ur into catholic shame idk)

venom: this would require such a high energy routine but if u can make being sweaty work then this is a gr8 choice 7/10

hang ‘em high: this is a BATSHIT INSANE choice for a strip routine but if u want to do it then PLEASE do. i like ur style. 8/10

deathwish: u can strip to this only if u introduce ur routine by dedicating it to everyone who ever said eyeliner on dudes was gay. 5/10

cemetery drive: i think not. 0/10

never told you: if u are a highly theatrical highly murderous stripper then yes definitely 7/10

desert song: this song is Way Too Beautiful to strip to sorry you can’t have it -300/10

the end.: the only sexy thing about this song is how good gerard’s voice sounds so no. 0/10

dead!: this is a bold fucking choice but u have to play your cards just right. high risk high reward but SO much to potentially get wrong 6/10

how i disappear: u could. but why. 2/10

sharpest lives: holy SHIT yes ABSOLUTELY u should strip to sharpest lives. the drama. the beat. the spy rock guitar that frank accidentally nailed. this is one of THE choicest options from their catalog. why aren’t u stripping to this right now 50000000/10

wttbp: cute idea but don’t actually 0/10

i don’t love you: again, a bold fucking choice. u could strip to this in an edgy, meta sort of way but it’s missing the trashy factor so it’d have to be part performance art and part strip routine. if ur into that then totally 5/10

house of wolves: i mean i would pay money to see someone strip to this song so 7/10

cancer: LMAO YIKES -2000000/10

mama: this would be GLORIOUS if u fully embraced the sheer insanity and went Bonkers in Fuckin Zonkers burlesque-show-in-hell w/ it. 100/10 but u gotta pound the floor wailing at some point

sleep: i’m conflicted on this one like on the one hand it’s a good tempo for stripping but on the other hand it’s a song about being cruel to ur loved ones in order to force distance between u and them b/c you’re terrified of them getting hurt and it being all your fault. so maybe don’t strip to this one actually 0/10

teenagers: a bop w/ a great beat and fun costume ideas from the video but two major drawbacks being 1. ur getting naked to a song about teenagers which is uhhhh sort of Inappropriate and 2. it’s kind of also about school shooters which is also Inappropriate to get naked to. 0/10

disenchanted: why would u want this. you sad fuck. idek what to say except if you want to strip to this song i’m crying on your behalf -100000000/10

famous last words: don’t????? don’t. Do Not. stop that. -12/10

blood: this is HILARIOUS omg please strip to blood 10/10

kill all your friends: sure?? no objections but it’s an odd choice. this goes for the demo too. 2/10

heaven help us: if u want to strip to this then you definitely just read unholyverse for the first time and while u are valid, Don’t 0/10

my way home is through you: not an especially sexy song but it’s fun!! you do you 3/10

astro zombies (cover): uhhhhhh it’s a no from me dawg. i’d be thinking about danzig, like, the whole time. 0/10

desolation row: sure but u gotta be willing to get punched in the face by the riot squad for maximum effect 4/10

common people (cover): just b/c gerard would strip to britpop doesn’t mean u can. 0/10

emily: NO!!!! -50000/10

party at the end of the world: nah. 0/10

not that kind of girl: literally please consider the subject matter of this song and rethink ur life choices. -10/10

all the angels: it’s a cool song but don’t strip to it that’s weird -2/10

jack the ripper: you and the person who wants to strip to astro zombies can go sit in the suicidegirls corner together how about that. 0/10

na na na: a banger!! strip away my friend 9/10

bulletproof heart: a good song but not a strip song 1/10

sing: sorry this song is [REDACTED] it gets no score

planetary (go!): you could try to strip to this but it’s such a classic four-on-the-floor that i think you’d end up just regular dancing to it and forget to be sexy so 4/10

the only hope for me is you: are you doing a strip tease for michael bay. stop. put ur shirt back on shia lebeouf 0/10

party poison: like this is a hilarious option and i support you but realistically it’s pretty fast for a strip song 3/10

save yourself, i’ll hold them back: this is a safe option. Too Safe. almost soulless. a person who’d strip to this would avoid eye contact the entire time and never smile and later when you went out for a smoke break you’d overhear them on the phone with their ex arguing over child support payments. 4/10

s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w: the more i think about it the more fun the idea of stripping to this becomes so i say go for it 6/10

summertime: i’m Certain that gerard would prefer if you didn’t -5/10

destroya: is this objectively the best mcr song to strip to? Absolutely. it’s got everything you could possibly want right down to built-in moans and fever dream drums. but the only person in the universe who Can Must and Should strip to this song is gerard. sorry them’s the breaks. ∞/10 but only if you’re gerard way

kids from yesterday: don’t. 0/10

vampire money: 100% yes you should strip to this. bonus points for stealth twilight references 1000000/10

we don’t need another song about california: do i like this song? yes. is it sexy? no. 0/10

black dragon fighting society: i can’t understand what the FUCK gerard is saying in this song AT ALL so i can’t recommend that u strip to it b/c i have no fucking idea what it’s ABOUT 0/10

f.t.w.w.w.: i mean. this song is about eating pussy. and robots that are built specifically to fuck. so yes you can strip to this but you gotta dress up like a pornbot 100/10

mastas of ravencroft: again i cannot understand most of the fucking words and the ones i do understand are something something RICKETY BONES RICKETY HANDS so like. probably not the one 0/10

boy division: i could go either way on this one like it’s really fast but it’s also about cocaine so??? 3/10

tomorrow’s money: while this song slaps overall violent nihilism does not a strip song make 1/10

ambulance: no. 0/10

gun.: antiwar messages are sexy but not the right kind for stripping 1/10

the world is ugly: PLEASE no. 0/10

the light behind your eyes: oh my god this is so DEPRESSING why would you want to strip to this who hurt you -2000000/10

kiss the ring: yes yes yes it’s got built-in audience participation conceit factor if u let ur audience kiss ur ring, totally works 10/10

make room!!!: again, slaps, but not a strip song 1/10

surrender the night: dude we talked about this!!! dying violently w/ ur loved ones is Not Sexy!!! 0/10

burn bright: i guess you could strip to this but again it’s Too Safe tread carefully 3/10

fake your death: i want frank iero to strip to this song so i can throw tomatoes at him for being a LYING SACK OF SHIT FOR TWO YEARS i’m not gonna rate this one but frank if ur out there i have a basket of slightly squishy heirloom tomatoes and i am COMING FOR YOU

[tthankstoyou]

Hey! If I’m not mistaken, you’ve mentioned before that you’re religious and I was just curious on how that affected your sexuality acceptance and how your sexuality if in any way affected your relationship with God? As well as how the community typically has a bad rep for being homophobic? Touchy subject, please don’t answer if it makes you uncomfortable, again I just really really enjoy reading your queer related thoughts.

It doesn't make me uncomfortable at all! I'd be more than happy to share :D Thank you for being interested in my words <3333

I’m sososo grateful to have made it out of Catholic School without having any religious trauma (that I know of at least)

I was baptized Orthodox and am currently practicing that (or at least trying my best askjfak. Really hard to when there's no Serbian Orthodox churches close). BUUUT I went to Catholic school for all of pre-school, elementary school, and middle school. Since I basically grew up with the Catholic Church, I know much more about that than Orthodoxy and that played a much bigger role in accepting myself than Orthodoxy ever did.

I think having a mix of Catholicism and Orthodoxy in my life helped me create a much more personal relationship with God. While we'd be learning about Catholic practices at school, I would feel like none of it really applied to me since that wasn't my religion. I was even excluded from some lessons, like I was told to sit out when we were learning about the First Communion in the 2nd grade since in the Orthodox Church, you have your First Communion and Chrismation (Chrismation is like the Orthodox version of Confirmation) when you’re baptized. So I was able to build a relationship with God without really feeling a connection to the Church. He became more of a friend to me than anything else. And having that personal relationship with God made it really easy for myself to accept my sexuality while also loving him. Like whatever the Church said about him, I felt like it didn’t apply to me. To me, what has always been the most important teaching from God is that he loves all of his children no matter what. He made all of us exactly the way he wants us to be, including if we are gay or trans.

(When I say “Church” in here I mean specifically the Catholic Church)

And yeah, my teachers were homophobic. I was REALLY vocal about my views about everything in the 8th grade to where it got to a point where I had to be pulled out of class and told to stop talking about gay people because that’s not “What the Church believes in” but that didn’t faze me bc I didn’t care about what the Church said in the first place.

If I’m going to be honest, I found MUCH MORE trouble finding acceptance within the LGBTQ+ community while being religious. I understand that people in the community have religious trauma and their way to cope with that is to make fun of God and say blasphemous things, but that really affected me with finding people. Now I know people (on Tumblr) who are also religious and queer, but I still feel like it’s hard to meet queer people irl and talk about my love for God. In high school I tried to not be religious for a while because of how all of my queer friends constantly bashed religion, but that just made me depressed lmao.

So while I felt somewhat welcome in the Church... I didn’t feel welcome in spaces with other queer people. I was one of the few people in my middle school to go to a public high school and I vividly remember my religion teacher telling me that it will be tough to not be constantly surrounded by people who believe in God and that my faith will be tested. OH BOY I did NOT expect for it to be tested that much. I never would have guessed that people that were supposed to be apart of my community would make me feel shame for loving God. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s completely valid to not believe in God and share how the Church may have traumatized you!! Those are such important conversations to have. They’re really essential in the LGBTQ+ community. I just wish that people were more tolerant to those who do choose to be religious because that could EASILY turn into anti semitism, islamaphobia, etc etc

[godofplumsandthunder]

Our First Meeting

Paring: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

Warnings: Swear words, Period Homophobia (nothing major, but Bucky does have some homophobic thoughts towards himself)

A/N: First chapter of Ancient History! This is a series that I wrote for @the-marvel-horniest-book-club and its sister blogs Week of Love Challenge. The way I wrote it is when Bucky and Steve are telling Peter their story, we see it from their POV. Like The Princess Bride, or How I Met Your Mother. I had such a fun time writing this and I hope that y’all will like it!

“And so, as ‘The Valkyrie’ made its fast descent into the Arctic Ocean, Captain Steve Rogers lowered the plane into the ocean, saving humanity from the treacherous plans of the Red Skull. Captain Rogers’ sacrifice cost him everything, choosing to leave behind the love of his life, his fiancée Peggy Carter, and their unborn baby. Sadly, losing the love of her life caused Agent Carter to miss carriage, losing the last surviving piece of Captain Rogers. But, as you know, the story doesn’t end there,” the school bell rings, cutting off Ms. Lund, Peter Parker’s American history teacher. Filing out of the over cramped room, Peter is left speechless. He couldn’t mention anything in class, but he thought he knew his Uncle Steve. Losing a child would affect him, right? Steve would have said something. Walking home, Peter decided to make a quick pit stop at the Avenger’s compound, where Steve and Bucky were enjoying their retirement. Sending a quick text to Aunt May letting her know he wouldn’t be home for dinner, Peter quickly slung his way over.

Peter found Steve and Bucky in the living room, Steve playing Mario Karts (he picked up a love for the game in his retirement, don’t blame the man, okay?) while Bucky read some weird book in Russian.

“You!” Peter points at Steve, “you have a lot of explaining to do! I thought we were family! But I had to find out from my freaking history teacher that you and Peggy were engaged and you were having a baby together?” Flopping down on the couch, Peter stares Steve down, his eyes showing how truly hurt the kid was.

“I… What?” Pausing his game, Steve looks up from his game confused. And Peter, crossing his arms, shakes his head. “Don’t lie to me! I thought we were close!” And sure, Peter knows he’s probably acting like a baby, but Peter’s pain is genuine. Steve was the first one to know about his crush on MJ, even helped him plan their first date. After Tony died, Steve became his father figure, someone he looked up to and tried to emulate.

“No, you just caught me off guard Petey. God, is that what they are teaching these days? No, I’m… Peggy and I…” Bucky cuts Steve’s floundering.

“He’s gay Peter, not bi or pan, gay. He likes dick, more specifically mine.” Steve blushes as he reprimands Bucky.

“Jesus, Buck, language! He’s still a kid! But he’s right Peter. I’m gay, I’ve always have been, and I always knew it too. Peggy and I were just really good friends. God, they’re saying I had a kid with Pegs, can you believe it, Buck?”

“Yeah, I can, actually. The government loves to erase me from your, our story.” The bitterness and hurt in Bucky’s voice don't go unnoticed by Steve or Peter. “For fuck’s sake, they’re still pushing this bullshit Americana nuclear family. We’re not in the ’30s! Instead of giving the kids hope, that their sexuality can’t limit their dreams, no keep on pushing this shit!” A heavy silence blankets the room. Bucky’s anger is still fuming in him. And in traditional Peter fashion, he butts in.

“Well, I’d like to know your story! We have to give a presentation on you, Steve, and well I know it’s just one classroom in Queens, but I’d like to tell your story. And I’d love to see my teacher try to correct me. I’ll just show her my Works Cited page. Two resources, Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes.” Steve, smiling at Peter, takes Bucky’s hand in his, rubbing over the vibranium band.

“What’d you say Bucky, do you want our story to be told?”

Putting the book down, Bucky cuddles up next to Steve as he turns to Peter.

“Buckle up, spidey. Our story is a long one.”

----- The last thing that Bucky wanted to do after moving halfway across the country at the start of the Great Depression was to go to mass. Hell, his family wasn’t even Catholic, but the way his Ma saw it was they could take any additional help they could get. And if that meant listening to some Catholic priest ramble on about the virtues of Saint Peter, then so be it. Even if Bucky complained the entire walk to the small chapel.

See Bucky wasn’t that religious. He believed that there had to be some sort of God, a purpose as to why we were all here. But he never once thought about becoming a catholic. So while the Father was rambling on about the lessons we could learn from Mary Magdalene, all Bucky wanted to do was go home and have some lunch. Bored, Bucky decides he’s going to play some people watching. Looking around, he sees the usual church suspects. Stuffy old ladies in godawful hats. Even his people-watching is getting boring. That is until he sees him. A boy, probably close to his age, 15 or 16 max, but small for his age. He had the most beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. Bucky’s heart is racing, as he tries to push the thoughts in his head away. Recently he’s been having inappropriate thoughts about some of the boys at school. As his friends would go on and on about the gals they fancied, Bucky’s heart was set on the wrong gender. Or at least that is what he was taught to learn.

“Now brothers and sisters, the sister of the covenant prepared a light luncheon that’ll be served outside!” Father O’Malley’s booming voice broke Bucky out of his thinking. Getting up, he turns to his ma.

“I saw a boy that’s my age. Can I go talk to him?” Winnie simply nods as she frets over Becca’s dress. That girl could ruin any dress. Bucky wades through the crowd of people and finally makes it out to the church patio where he sees the blondie, alone on a bench, drawing.

Mustering up all the courage he has, Bucky steps up in front of the boy. “Hi, I’m Bucky. Family just moved here.” Blondie, as Bucky dubbed the boy in his mind, looks up. And god, those blue eyes were so much brighter up close.

“I’m Steve,” smiling at Bucky he motions to the empty space next to him. “Care to sit? My ma went to get some food. I don’t have many friends, as you could probably tell.” Bucky chuckles softly.

“I don’t either. Guess we can be each other’s friends.”

Something there clicked inside of Bucky. He finally understood what the other boys felt when they talked about their crush. Heart pounding and sweaty palms, as he tried to make sure he made a good first impression. He imagined going on dates with Steve, giving him the world. But Bucky knew he couldn’t have those things. He couldn’t take Steve out dancing, or on a date. He had to be his friend, and Bucky was willing to make that compromise. He just hoped his heart wouldn’t break in the process.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #455

“but you didn’t have to cut me off  /  make it like it never happened and that we were nothing”

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? We're besties! :') Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? No. Would you get a lip piercing? I already have a vertical labret. I've considered getting spiked snakebites (they might be called devil bites?) too, though. With a vertical labret, it looks sick as FUCK. It might be a bit much too close together for me, though, idk. Nose piercing? I want my right nostril re-pierced. What are you currently waiting for? Girt to message me back. I've decided what I want out of our relationship and just want to see him. Do you have feelings for anyone? Hit me pretty hard through a lot of examination of my feelings that yeah, I do. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my god no, I would be DESTROYED. Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? bro what the fuck When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? I do only out of expectation. I don't want someone to think I'm an ass or something for not saying it. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? A few years ago for my niece's birthday. She was scared of how loud it was and was very reluctant to get near it, so my fat ass got in there with everyone else to show her it was fine lol. I can't remember if she eventually got in. She loves them now, though. :') Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No, but thanks for the idea, ha ha. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. What is one food that you detest? Asparagus. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not really. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? GOD NO. Do you often find yourself questioning your future? That's my full-time job. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 124. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same I listen to now. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single rn, but usually, I go for "sweetie/sweetheart," "hunny," "love," "dear," stuff like that. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yes. What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. I was SO fuckin upset because it was on Sara's birthday and planned in secret, and I was supposed to wake her up. It still wound up being a big surprise to her when she walked into her room and I was chillin' at her desk, ha ha, but I still wish it coulda gone as originally planned. Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yes; they have a yappy-ass dog that doesn't shut up. I haven't met them. What color is your bedroom door? White. If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? This may sound very ungrateful, but I have heard A LOT of celebrities say it: it would get old, being stopped constantly in public for signatures, pictures, etc. Like yes, I still WOULD be grateful, but I'd miss just being off the radar and able to go outside carrying out chores and stuff like a normal person. Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? No. :( Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? Nah, not nowadays. Have you ever written a story? Yes, a kinda short one when I was little. Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? The breakup with Jason and the fact we're just strangers again. It was really short, but I like it a lot, honestly. Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? I think so. What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? A skeleton in my closet, lol. Literally. Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? alkdsjflakjwle yes In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? That '70s Show. 3rd Rock From the Sun is high up there, too. What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? HYPOTHETICALLY, two, but I'm pretty damn serious about having none. I just always feel kinda bad for children without a sibling, but three would make me pull my hair out. Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Yes. I overreact to even minor symptoms to ANYTHING. Are you comfortable with who you are? No. Pretty much everything about myself embarrasses me, even if it shouldn't. Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? Yes? Others' opinions don't affect how I feel about someone. Does popularity matter to you at all? No, outside of trying to be a successful photographer. Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? If they really wanted that and it would benefit them, yes. Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? I discovered them myself. Do you ever read fanfiction? Nah. Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Jesus. A plane crash, I guess, because in a lot of cases, it would be an immediate death. What are your top five favourite TV shows? Meerkat Manor, Fullmetal Alchemist (and Brotherhood; shut up, they go together), That '70s Show, Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. What is your favorite superhero movie? Logan. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Uhhhh idk... I guess maybe a heart attack? Judging by doctor appointments, my heart is just fine, but the fact still remains that I'm technically obese, so that's always a risk. Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Facebook, yes. It was just depressing me. I was playing the comparison game REAL hard. Who is the most talented person you know? I dunno. I know many people talented in a lot of areas. Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No. Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? Bowling. Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Jason and Juan pursued me at the same time. They'd known each other in the past, and Juan hated him for "winning" his ex-girlfriend. Then when Jason and I got together, Juan wasn't the happiest for sure. Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? Before I actually came out as bisexual, I don't think so? Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Conservative. Mom is more open, but still conservative. I think. What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? I'm not in school. How far away does your closest family member live? I live with Mom. If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? I actually strongly prefer Tim Burton's. Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. I just want to be in a long-term, serious, healthy relationship to reach that point and be as safe as possible about it. Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal, but I do have some conservative beliefs, too. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one, given I never got into that franchise. What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Not a goddamn thing. What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Done "the thing." Name something that you are against. I'll go with an unconventional one that's a problem as of the late: making owning reptiles illegal. Why are you against it? Because reptiles are perfectly capable of being brilliant pets and, most importantly, can tame people's fears of them. I think that it's very important to see the worth and beauty in all animals, and reptiles are one of the most unappreciated families out there. :/ Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? I played some of either the first or second one. I could never beat it. Old games are hard, man. Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I absolutely believe that it can get to an extreme that I don't like, but for the most part, I don't mind a clingy partner because hey, I am too. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Stonessss. When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? It'd been on my mind for a while, but I *officially* realized that I really do like-like Girt a couple days ago. And since then it's gotten a bit hardcore and all I wanna do is talk to him bc fuck me and how attached to people I get. What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Every single time I go to the gym, I feel proud of myself because it REALLY takes a lot out of me. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Nope. I'm willing to be a shoulder to cry on for like... anyone. If you're hurting, talk to someone. I'll be there as an easy option. What was the last thing to fascinate you? It was... INCREDIBLY disturbing and almost nauseating even for me, but I saw a video of a dead whale explode. It was GRUESOME. Guts just kept coming and coming and coming and :x Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Hmmm... I'm sure there is, but what, it's not coming to me. Sudden, loud noises are an obvious answer. Do you have a favourite microorganism? ... No, I can't say I do. Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? Girt's, actually. It's in October. If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I actually had them as a kid. Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Ye. Have you ever owned chickens? No, but that'd be cool. Fresh eggs from a properly cared for chicken taste SO much better. When did you last listen to music? Currently. NOW I'm obsessed with Melodicka Bros & Violet Orlandi's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." It's done in a gothic metal style and is amaaaazing.

[depressedoverdrawings]

Can you hear the tumult of our youth?

KazeKi is the first romance I’ve ever enjoyed, or rather, that I emotionally connected with, as “enjoy” is a funny word choice for a work that made me feel so miserable. Personally, I’ve never enjoyed media that focuses on relationships and love, were they movies, TV, or literature.

But after I discovered KazeKi, I found myself drawn to it, almost involuntarily so. It was as if a spell had been cast. I suppose what superficially drew me in, at first, was the art. It had the charm of retro manga (I absolutely love retro manga/anime looks, IMO they have so much more character than most modern anime and manga), the nostalgic elegance of the idealized upper-class XIX century, and the unrelenting beauty and cuteness of all the boys.

It was mildly surreal and highly entertaining to witness the seed of so many shounen-ai visual tropes: The flower motifs, the flowery poetry, the impossibly pretty boys in dramatic embraces and breathy kisses, the aggressive frenchness of it all. Even it was shocking to me how these elements, instead of striking me as the tired, sappy tropes I saw them as, were now all genuine and beautiful, somehow. Even those silly sparkles around pretty boys seemed fitting. I realized these weren’t tropes back then, but elements of a sincere artistc vision. However, while the art was mesmerizing to me, I came to realize that what drew me in deeper, and kept me anchored to KazeKi, were the themes explored, and the character-based drama, the very stuff I had always avoided.

Without getting far too personal about it, Kaze to Ki no Uta was the first romance that struck something within me, somewhere personal. Now, I certainly have never faced trauma and pain anywhere near to what poor Gilbert and Serge face in their absurdly depressing story, but I definitely wouldn’t call myself emotionally and sexually resolved and healthy, and once upon a time I was a closeted boy in a catholic school, so I guess there’s space for a little bit of self-identification. My coping mechanism to my personal woes had always been to just bottle them up and distract myself with entertainment and art. And that was exactly what I was doing, browsing music on YouTube, when I stumbled upon the KazeKi OVA’s soundtrack.

I found myself listening to this gorgeous arrangement of a Chopin piece, and thought to myself, staring at the angelic figure looking back at me, across the screen: “Gee whilikers, that’s sure is a pretty drawing of a pretty girl”. Then, after reading the comments, I found out that was a boy. As much as the “draw a girl, call it a boy” school of drawing pretty boys makes me groan, I could still feel it, that first hook of interest, stabbing me. As the slideshow enticed me with pictures of Keiko Takemiya’s gorgeous art, I found myself enamoured by it. It was a particular drawing that made KazeKi finally snatch me: that same boy, lounging angelically on some sort of abstract architectural design; in the background, a neoclassical vase flanked by two neoclassical girls, and, above and below, this stunningly beautiful vegetation. So much care, skill, and good taste, concentrated in just one image! I’d have it as a poster, if I could. So, I googled “Kaze to Ki no Uta”, unwittingly throwing myself in a rabbit hole I could not have prepared myself for. Trying to read it was in itself a journey, but, to sum it up: I managed to read it about as well as one can, if they don’t speak japanese and have no access to the spanish and italian translations.

It had been years since I had started feeling emotionally numb. My most extreme displays of emotion came in the form of quiet, teary eyes, reserved for those rare, impactful pieces of art, and those rarer moments of despair-inducing introspection that I couldn’t manage to suppress, but even those lasted little, as I fought to recover my composure. By the end of Kaze to Ki no Uta, I was a sobbing wreck, doing my best (and failing) to contain my ugly crying. Ugly crying, for god’s sake. I was ugly crying, actually sobbing like a kid, because of an yaoi manga. Crying in the shower, even! What kind of weeb had I degenerated into? It hurt. It deeply hurt, in a way I hadn’t been made to hurt in a long, long while. KazeKi had impacted me to the point that I wasn’t just sad, I was scared too, as the waterfall of emotion opened the path for that deeper, personal darkness to come out. And it did.

Now, I admit I’d been a little bit more emotionally fragile than usual right before I read it, due to the effects of the quarantine and the previous consumption of a highly depressing piece of media: Les Amitiés Particulières, which is probably even more depressing than KazeKi as it deals with a much more grounded homophobia-induced tragedy based in real life. Somehow, it didn’t impact me as much as KazeKi, however. Also, it was definitely what influenced my personal YouTube algorithm to recommend me the KazeKi soundtrack, so I wouldn’t know of KazeKi if it weren’t for Amitiés. But even then, it felt unnatural to, well, feel so much. I hadn’t felt this invested in and attached to fictional characters ever since I was a little kid, too young to realize those people in the TV weren’t real. In the following couple of weeks, I was crying over these boys, spending whole days feeling like trash, feeling mild anxiety spikes whenever I remembered about KazeKi, having (even more) difficulty falling asleep, and utterly failing to avoid thinking about my deep-seated intimate issues, all because of these dumb, pretty anime boys. Not even my trusty prayer of “they’re not real people, stop being stupid” worked. In an attempt to stop wallowing in this shounen-ai hell, I decided to consume a whole lot of escapist media while I deliberately avoided any activity related to KazeKi, be it reading the manga, listening to the OVA’s soundtrack, looking at fanart, or even just thinking about it. It “worked” for a month or so, but now I’m back here, wallowing in KazeKi’s painful beauty again, stalking the other seven people in the western world that seem to care about KazeKi, and distilling my thoughts in this bizarre textwall, in an attempt to work it out. If you’re one of those seven people, please don’t refrain from talking to me, if you feel like it! I’ve had just one opportunity to have a conversation about KazeKi, and it was in YouTube comments, for heaven’s sake. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m this afflicted by KazeKi due to its unrelenting, merciless, cruel beauty. Everything about it is presented in this assembly of pure beauty and lost perfection, this painful nostalgia that is present in its aesthetics of an idealized Europe which lives only in its surviving art, that is present in the story which ultimately tells us of the loss of love, and is present in the fact that the whole story is a broken man’s reverie about the past. Tragedy might make me sad, but tragedy with beauty will destroy me. Bittersweetness is just so more cruel than bitterness. And it was this masterpiece of sadistic bittersweetness that permanently broke something in how I deal with my emotions. Kaze to Ki no Uta touched me deeply, to the point of leaving a permanent impression, I’m afraid. I can count in one hand the pieces of art that have punched my soul in the face like KazeKi did. I am honestly flabbergasted over the effect it had over me. At first I felt embarrassed over being emotionally obliterated by a freaking shounen-ai, but I’ve since come to the conclusion that KazeKi is a work of art, a genuine, sincere work of art, deserving of the title. Now I just hope I’m not alone in being emotionally obliterated by this freaking shounen-ai. After everything they went through, the personal fights, the shaky development of their relationship, the undeserved ostracism at Lacombrade, Auguste’s demonic persecution, the escape; how could it be that Gilbert’s life would end in such a horrible way, and that Serge would be left alone to face the full, unbearable weight of his grief! Why?! Keiko Takemiya, you’re a vile sadist. You’re a genius, too, of course. But you’re a vile sadist.

I knew that a happy ending wasn’t going to happen. The horrible ending was a pretty early spoiler, really. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t stop myself from reading on anyway, and I couldn’t stop myself from having an inkling of illogical hope. Even if my logical self knew a happy ending wasn’t gonna happen, it couldn’t prepare me for just how tragically their love would end, and how awful it all would feel, once I knew their full story.

It’s all the more bitter because of how close Serge came to saving him, too. Having escaped together to a place where they could’ve built the nearest thing to a normal life a gay couple could have, back then. But in the end, not even Serge’s love could mend Gilbert’s mutilated soul. Those boys deserved so much better, especially Serge. Serge, you sweet angel! You were created to suffer.

KazeKi really is a masterpiece in how it explores its extremely heavy themes and the minds of its characters, and how it flawlessly meshes that with perfect art. There are many moments in KazeKi that haunt me: Serge letting that bird go, Serge’s vision of Gilbert at the Lacombrade grounds, Gilbert running into the carriage, angel wings behind him; Serge laying alone on the bed in Room 17. I cannot look at those pages without tearing up and feeling this horrible feeling in my heart, and this feeling is literal: My heart actually feels heavy and constricted when I think about it, it can’t be healthy. Up until now, I thought “cri evrytiem” was just a meme. KazeKi has woken me up to the fact that bottling up one’s own personal issues will inevitably end with them exploding out, leading to something much, much worse. I am scared by the prospect of facing my personal issues. To me, they are horribly strong, and seem incredibly hard to solve, if they’re even solvable at all. I’m horrified by the prospect of facing them, working to solve them. I’m so scared, that simply thinking about it, right now, gives me this awful weight in my chest, and makes me want to cry, again. But I know now that I have no choice in this matter, as the only alternative is that abyss I dare not speak of, and one cannot return from. Melodramatic? Yes. But I did just read Kaze to Ki no Uta.

Thank you for getting this far, whoever you are.

I’m forever haunted by Serge’s words to his long-gone Gilbert, right at the beginning:

“Gilbert Cocteau, you were the greatest flower to ever bloom in my life. In the faraway dreams of youth, you were a bright red flame, blazing so fiercely… You were the wind that stirred my branches. Can you hear the poem of the wind and trees? Can you hear the tumult of our youth? Oh, there must be others who so remember their own days of youth…”

[talkativefangirl13]

I Hate Pride Month.

I hate pride month, not because I despise it, but because it stresses me out.

The first few years of my life, I grew up with my mother. We're close, we always tell each other everything. We had a great relationship and i couldn't ask for more.

A was a little bit older when i became aware of other sexualities. Of course, I was curious and asked a few adults about it, then i realized how a lot of my relatives unconsciously judge a person based on their sexuality.

If you ain't straight, we can't trust you.

It's like they need to earn their trust first or something, which kinda weirded me out. I really don't care if you're a little bit different, you know? If you're gay, then you're gay, that doesn't make you less human.

I rarely have male crushes in my growing years, I thought that's because I'm really not that shallow to fall for someone so easily. But then high school rolled in and i became friends with this beautiful, funny and kind girl (Let's call her Jade). I always wanted to stay by her side, I always wanted to be close to her, i always wanted to spend my free time with her and I always think of her.

By then, i should have gotten the memo that I'm not as straight as i think i was. But I didn't, because I was in denial, I always told myself that I just really like her as a friend even though I tend to think of her the same way i tend to think of my male crushes.

It was easy for myself to accept when i like a guy, but I always find reasons when I like a girl.

Growing up in a family like mine made me think like that.

When Jade got her first boyfriend, let's just say that even though I felt crushed the whole time I watched her relationship bloom with a guy, i still told myself that i don't like her that way and that I'm only feeling like this because my friend will have less time with me.

And i believed that.

It's now a new school year and one of my female batchmates had a girlfriend from a year higher. The group of friends that i'm with was repulsed by news, Jade was one of them. They sent her anonymous messages saying that their relationship won't last, that nothing good will come out of it, that it's fucking wrong and she knows it.

While I didn't know what to think. I know it was harsh to send her messages like that, but i didn't do anything to stop them, I only watched.

Because at that time, i was confused. I grew up learning that being in a relationship with the same gender was wrong. I don't care if a person's gay, but to be in an actual relationship? My past self would just think that it's wrong and that it's not supposed to happen.

It's okay to be gay but don't DO gay stuff.

Jade's reaction towards the issue unconsciously made me became distant to her. Not drastically, but i started to like her less, i found myself not wanting her presence unlike before. And it threw me off because what the hell was that? Was that a normal reaction towards a friend? It's like i've lost interest in her.

Instead of telling my mother about this, i told her about the lesbian relationship that had cause a ruckus in school. She told me that that was just a phase, that they'll grow over it soon.

That's when I realized that my mother... does not support the LGBTQ, that she actually hates it. She's not a basher or anything, but she just doesn't approve of this. Why? Because the bible says so.

I'm a Roman Catholic, my religion plays a huge role on my mother's beliefs.

I continued the year with my mother's words echoing in my head over and over until I even believed it myself.

Things happened and I transferred to a different school. I instantly liked someone who was a guy and it made me feel relieved because this is familiar territory. So okay, everything's cool, I made new friends, I had a male crush, everything's fine and well. Normal, you know?

That was until i started dreaming about having sex with a certain girl in my class. I woke up with a brittle underwear and realized that, holy fucking hell, i liked that dream, that I like dreaming of my self doing it with a girl.

And i fucking lost it. My grades kept on jumping from high to low because i was so fucking confused. The things I believed growing up is ruining me. I kept on dreaming about those lewd stuff and I can't, for the life of me, stop it.

I like a boy, why the fuck am i dreaming of having sex with girls? More importantly. WHY DO I LIKE IT?

it was the worst year of my life.

Lucky for me, i didn't fell into depression, i was just confused and didn't want to deal with it.

But i didn't want to ignore it anymore, so i searched the web and found out about all tjose different types of sexuality and their flags. It was a buttload of information and I ended up staying up all night reading informations about it. Until i came across the word 'Bisexual'.

I read it's definition a couple of times, stared at it, and pulled out the plug of my computer. I forced myself to sleep, making myself believe that i am not fucking bisexual.

Let's skip the drama and head on to the part where i finally accepted my sexuality. By then, i had finally moved into the city and transferred into a bigger school to finish my senior high. I was pretty much aware of the LGBTQ community but I'm not updated, i don't even know most of the flags and and I even sometimes forget what my flag is.

I've never even participated in any events.

I'm just aware of the community and know the basics of it but I mostly just ignore news anything about it.

You can say that I know what I am now and is no longer confused, but that doesn't mean I'm open about it. Hell, I don't even know if I truly embrace it.

Since the LGBTQ's pretty loud now, i've been hearing my mother's thoughts about it constantly. How she's not approving of this and how they just wanted empowerment. The usual, i always keep my mouth shut and feel akward about the topic.

I have an identical twin who doesn't know about my sexuality. I've decided to tell her about it one day because i noticed how she's kinda against our mother's beliefs. So I dropped the bombed on her and there was a bit of confusion there before stating that she was suprised but not really unexpected.

Since then, she was even more aware of the LGBTQ community more than me, she knows all of the sexuality and flags while i only know a few. i'm just thankful that I have her as my sister.

Although... sure it's still weird when i tell her I like some girl because she won't relate to it.

Now, the reason why i hate pride month, is because my mother never liked how the LGBTQ community had just decided to 'own' a month of the year.

Every June, i dreaded it. I hate how instead of enjoying it because it's my month, i find myself anxious. I've been trying to give them hints that I'm not as straight as they think i was but they never seem to notice it.

My mother would always tell me that being gay is wrong, and i would never be forgiven if I DO those things that are wrong. I have a great relationship with my mother, telling her that I'm part of the community she dislikes will ruin it.

Every june, it stresses me out. Because it's reminding me that my own mother can and will hate me if she knew. I don't want her to neglect me, i love my mother so much, but it hurts whenever she bad mouths the community.

I know my sister means well, but whenever she brings up the topic about the community, i just wanted to sew her mouth shut.

Sometimes, i found myself wishing that I wasn't different, that why can't i just be straight like my cousins or like my sister. I hate how I once questioned myself if I'm sick, that will this ever go away soon?

I hate Pride Month.

[maisstories]

I Need Your Help

To be more precise, my girlfriend needs your help. The reason I am the one writing this text is because right now she is so depressed and discouraged that she doesn’t have the strength to believe asking for help would make a difference, and that… that terrifies me.

For those who don’t know us, I am Mai, and my girlfriend is Kari. Under different circumstances, we should have our lives all nicely sorted out, but as we are all aware, we live in the kind of dystopian world society at large likes to pretend only happens in fiction. Especially Kari. You see, I’m from Spain, and Kari is from the US. This means an entire ocean separates us (otherwise I would’ve bundled her up and brought her home, believe me).

Kari is a poor wlw who lives in a very conservative area (as in, Bible Belt conservative). She has ADHD, which went untreated most of her life, hampering her at every turn. First, because she grew up in a very conservative Catholic family and most Catholic families just Don’t Believe in Those Things. Now… well, now because she has no medical insurance and can’t afford to pay for medication. Cute, isn’t it? And that’s not even the best part. Kari has depression, that I mentioned, but this whole situation, and the hopelessness it causes her, has brought forth suicidal ideation. I don’t have the words to express just how scared I am by this. It paralyzes me. There is nothing, physically nothing I can do if they ever get the better of her.

To add to this, it has been made abundantly clear to Kari that her parents won’t help her if she becomes homeless. They didn’t want a child to begin with. A gay child? Yeah, no, forget about it.

(On a bit of a bright note, Kari has two adopted cats, which are the cutest fur balls over. They’re her closest emotional support most days, and I am very grateful for them. I can’t cuddle her or be physically there for her at all, but I can at least ask her to go cuddle them. They’re not even on the particularly scratchy side for cats).

Currently, Kari has a job, but despite taking on as many extra hours as possible, she cannot make enough money for rent. In fact, she cannot make many other basic necessities, which I will list here because they’re important, I am worried sick, and we really do need help:

-Work: Kari lost her previous job for one of those completely absurd, US-only reasons back in late October. I say absurd because any company trying to pull that shit here in Spain, and most likely anywhere in the European Union, would’ve been fined out of business. But hey, Country of Freedom and all that, isn’t it? She finally found a new job mid-November. Lower pay, though, which means it doesn’t help her cover full rent.

-Rent: As many people in the US will know, and others not from the US will have heard, rent outside of isolated areas is ridiculously expensive, especially for such a large and unpopulated country. The Wonders of Capitalism. As such, Kari is forced to pay a truly monstrous amount of money for a minuscule space to live in, one that ate up most of her previous salary and that surpasses her current one.

-Bills: Let’s not forget these. She rations. As much as she can. Electricity, water, internet… she goes for cheapest and least use, so far as to monitor her use of water during showers, but this still adds to her expenses.

-Food: Now’s where things get to a truly awful degree. When she moved to the place she lives in now (and if anyone wants the story that led to this move, please ask, because that’s an entirely other level of fucked up), she had to apply for food stamps, because she had barely no money left to feed herself and her two adopted cats after all the mandatory expenses. Food stamps people don’t look at the money you have left after bills, they just look at your income, so she was allotted $16. Useful, right? Anyway, fast forward to late October: Kari loses her job, so, obviously, one of the first things she does is contact the food stamps people to update her situation and have her allotment reevaluated. No response. Contact again. No response. This keeps going on. Mid-November, she gets a new job (still no response from the food stamps people despite the many attempts to contact them). Last Friday, her food supplies consisted of a bit of chicken, two fish fillets, and a couple eggs. I do not kid you. Today, the food stamp people finally answered her call: they won’t look into her case until, at least, December.

That’s it for the basics. As you see, it’s a wonderful situation.

Now, my role in this, as I’m sure some of you are wondering.

Let me start by saying this: I am a heavily disabled woman (nearly blind) living in an isolated area with the worst public transport system this side of the Mediterranean Sea. I am incapable of even getting out of home without assistance and someone to drive me at the moment. This means, having a job where I currently live is out of the question (I’m working on getting a job somewhere else where I’ll be able to live on my own. Sort of). My only source of income right now is my Patreon account, the earnings of which go fully to Kari because my girlfriend’s wellbeing matters to me much more than anything I could ever need for myself. I may say whatever I want about my parents’ belief that my relationship isn’t real because they don’t believe you can forge real connections through the internet (or the fact they want me to have a BOYfriend because they want grandchildren), but at least they’re so terrified I’ll break the moment I step outside on my own that they take good care of me.

Still, unfortunately, I’m only a writer, and a writer’s Patreon doesn’t make enough money to cover for such serious issues.

But Kari is the most important person in my life. I’m not exaggerating. I never thought I’d fall in love. I’ve always been the weird one out, the blind kid teachers coddled too much out of pity so other kids disliked and picked on, the one who was so odd that didn’t even fit with the weird kids in school. That happened everywhere, anywhere I went. Even in some fandom groups. It came to the point I stopped trying. It came to the point I thought once my parents died I wouldn’t have anyone. I’d stopped making plans for the future. There was no future for me.

And then I met Kari. She can make me smile with a silly gif and an obscure quote I thought no one else knew at 3am when I’m on the verge of tears because I feel trapped in my own house; she can get me excited about doing a joint cosplay in the distant future when I’d given up on cosplay years ago because I had no one who wanted to go to cons with me; she listens to my stupid history rants and even shows interest in them, when the most I’m used to getting are eye rolls and a change of topic.

Kari is the best that’s happened to me. Ever. And I want her to be happy. I want her to not have to worry about rent; I want her to be able to buy herself a chocolate bar because she feels like it without having to feel guilty for wasting the money. I want her to be able to live without the fear of being evicted every month, without having to worry about tomorrow’s meals because she ran out of food stamps and the fridge has only a can of soup left for the weekend. I want her to be able to go to the doctor when she’s sick and buy the medication she needs to get better.

But I don’t have the power to do this. Not now, not yet. So I’m asking you, everyone out there, to please help us. Help her.

And, I’m afraid, November is an awful month for Kari. Due to the late date at which she found her new job, she is missing a large chunk of rent. I’m doing everything in my power to gather money, and I ask —no, beg— you to help. Donate something, anything. Even if it is small, many small donations can make a difference.

Originally, we wanted to do a GoFundMe page with a three-month goal of 975 dollars to cover that period’s expenses (yes, guys, we’re missing about 500 this month. It’s that horrible), but every single crowdfunding website we have found works through bank accounts. Banks in the US are sharks; they tax you for not having enough income, for not having enough activity… Basically, if you’re poor in the US, you have to pay to have a bank account that will never have any money in it because the bank will eat it up. So, until we find an alternate crowdfunding site that allows to collect through paypal, we have set us several other safe forms through which you guys can donate to help Kari.

Paypal.Me: https://paypal.me/findyourwaycrafts

Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/findyourway

Kari has a crafts store, because she is a fantastic artist (and you should totally check it out), with much stuff already on it and other stuff planned to come:

Store: https://findyourway.storenvy.com/

Store Tumblr: https://findyourwaycrafts.tumblr.com/

However, these things take time to take off, and we are running out of time in November. So please, please, help us cover the remainder of Kari’s rent for this month. Even if it’s just a dollar, three, five, a purchase of a necklace. Anything. Please, help us. Help Kari keep a roof over her head this Winter.

[lazerbeamzlifeblog]

Being gay.

It’s Pride Month so there is no other perfect time to write about how I feel than now. It’s not celebratory though. It’s a venting of my frustrations that hopefully if anyone even bothers reading it, will understand how I feel.

My name is Lawrence, and I think I am gay. I said before many times that I am bisexual, but the more I think about it, I am unsure. I definitely know that I am into guys. It’s just, idk if I do like girls the same way I am into guys anymore. Maybe I only like guys and I was just fooling myself into thinking I like girls too because it felt easier. Maybe it made me feel “normal” because since I can’t get a boyfriend, at least it would be easier to find a girlfriend and maybe I won’t die alone in the end. And now I’m realizing, even if I did get a girlfriend, would I be happy? Cos it would definitely be different than if I were married to a man. I can see myself being happy with a man, but I can’t picture that with a woman. I don’t even consider that. I only imagine myself being married to a man someday so that means something, right? It’s very confusing and I wish I had someone to talk to about these things. 

I have been starting to watch more LGBT content and it has made me confront myself more and who I am. I watched “Weekend” and just finished “Love, Victor” by the way and they were amazing. It’s just, they also made me really sad. Even “Love, Victor” made me sad when it is a joyful show for teens and I am 22. So, I think the only way to make myself feel better is to talk about it. They like to paint a picture of being gay as something that when you come out, everything becomes happy again. And I agree, that is true. But what happens after they do that on the tv or movie, hasn’t happened to me yet. 

I find being gay as being very lonely and isolating. I am not completely out yet. All my friends know, and that was easy because I knew they wouldn’t judge me and even if they did, I would just find new friends. Heck, my best friend is gay and has a girlfriend. It’s just, I never told my parents. And that, to me, still imprisons me. I feel I can’t be truly happy yet until they know.

But they can’t know, not yet at least. My parents are strict, filipino Catholics. All of my immediate family are as well and close friends of theirs are too. Being gay is something to be laughed and no one takes it seriously. They mistake gay men as men that want to be females. They do not see men that truly loves men and dismiss it altogether. I am too afraid to come out to them. I am afraid they won’t accept me, that they will abandon me and never speak to me again, maybe kick me out since I still live with them and/or send me to a conversion camp to “change.” So, I am so afraid that I am afraid to be myself. I decided a long time ago, that if I were ever to come out, I would have to do it when I am living on my own and that is my plan, but just the moving out part. I plan to move out as soon as I graduate after this final school year. Coming out, I am still unsure of. I know the sooner I do it, I’ll be able to be free and start to be happy. But, I am afraid of what will happen. Am I going to tear apart my family? Am I going to destroy what little life I have left? Cos I don’t have someone else to lean on if I don’t have them. I have friends, but I am not confident I can lean on them for support if I no longer have a relationship with my parents. 

Even with not being completely out, I can’t seem to find anybody. All the boys I liked turned out to be straight and have girlfriends. I even spent a day with one boy who I thought would finally be the one. He asked me if he wanted to go go-karting with him on the weekend and I said it’s a bit far and asked him if he could give me a ride and he said yes. I spent the whole day with him and honest to god, it was the best day of that whole year for me, and it still is after. I mistaken it for a date somehow. I guess I just got so infatuated with him, after spending so much time with him riding in his car and talking with him and learning about his life. He is such a good person. He is wicked smart, he takes really good care of his family, and he is so freakin’ hot. I mean, that was why I liked him in the first place, but once I started to learn more about him I fell for him more and more. I decided to try and find out if there was a chance we could be together at some point in that day. I got us to start talking about relationships, and it sunk me. He had ex-girlfriends and doesn’t at all seem interested in me, let alone boys. I liked him so much, that once I figured out he was straight I completely broke down inside but carried on smiling as he took me home. I was so infatuated with him, that I failed to see that the way he treated me wasn’t special, he treated everyone the same. He was just a very respectable man. And even though I feel so heartbroken, I still love him and that is a cruel, cosmic joke. And I feel as though I am always going to love him because I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop imaging what it would be like to be with him and holding hands and kissing and sleeping with him in his apartment. I want to stop thinking about him, but I can’t.

The other boys, all seem to have girlfriends. Every time I think some guy is interested in me, that happens. I think I am so obsessed with being in a relationship that I warped reality and tricked myself into thinking any act of kindness from a guy that is more than just politeness, means they like me. I tried dating apps like Tinder and Grindr, but nothing ever came out of it. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lonely and the more I think about it, the more the void screams for me. Like, death doesn’t seem too bad anymore and actually seems great. 

I have depression and struggled with it for a long time. And I think by now, I realize the source of my mental illness. My inability to be myself since I can’t come out, and my inability to find a partner and somehow put all my self-worth into finding a partner when I should be happy with myself at least. So, I think I am just now realizing why I am so obsessed with my hunt for a partner. Cos if I did, my depression would finally be over and I can stop thinking about wanting to die. And that is a dangerous proposition.

It isn’t discussed enough about mental illness in LGBT youth. I think a lot of us are suffering as I am, and it isn’t being spoken enough. The depression, the loneliness, the isolation. Coming out will not be enough for me. Finding just my first boyfriend seems impossible. And I feel dragged to black holes that eat me alive until I fix this somehow. I don’t know what to do.

I think I plan to move to Orlando, where there is a higher chance of finding a partner for me unlike the Jacksonville area. But then again, this is my naive brain talking. I do not know what will actually happen. I just feel really lonely. And when I feel lonely, I get really sad. And becoming really sad, just makes me want to die. And I want this cycle to end. I hope someone, whoever reads this, can understand. 

21. June. 2020. LF.

[hiimaprofessionalfangirl]

A list of wild quotes from my freshman year

It’s that time again kids

“WRONG”

“Why is it wrong?” “Because it’s wrong?”

“Never get in a rotten egg fight kids”

“THERES A FUCKING TREE BRANCH IN THE LIVING ROOM”

“Look how veiny my leaf is”

“Coffee is my dad”

“Ariel castrate and the Austrian dickhead”

“Sleep is just death without the commitment”

“Is this a vine?”

“I ate some ice cream and then threw up in an alley way”

“I bleached my hair on a bet”

“Do snakes jump”

“We’re gonna watch the magic school bus”

“She did not consent to that!”

“Is it weird that when I hurt I hurt”

*eats a donut I found under a desk*

“We’re struggling together”

“ooo it’s almost time to skedaddle”

“Grass is a superfood”

“THEY WERE LESBIAN LOVERS MIGUEL”

“Do moths have penises?”

“We only stan cardboard paper in this town.” “Aka school fries”

“Give me Hayley kiyoko or give me death”

“I’m a pretty cool error too”

“Time can eat me”

“I’m as straight as a dick”

“19 isn’t a real number”

“3 is evil”

“Weird flex but ok” (coming from our 22yr old student teacher who didn’t understand memes)

*faintly in a silent hallway* “PUSSY”

“God is actually an alien, change my mind”

“You promised me you’d throw me out the window”

“Passing period is rebirth”

“Science can meet me in the pit”

“She has 2008 eyebrows”

“What’re you gonna do, send dick pics through audio”

“bro omg nihilism radiates off of u its inspiring”

“I threw up twice, I just wanted to let you know”

“Tell me the secrets of the universe u little knock off kermit”

“so u have a frog in ur head and I have a demonic entity, that’s pretty fuckin wild dude”

“The bubble just suicide bombed two other bubbles”

“Stop hyperventilating into a glove”

“Can u calm down I’m trying to eat my cereal”

*opens the door* “no”

“My teacher drop kicked a mouse” (coming from my cousin who goes to a super elite private catholic school)

“A sweet loving hardass, but a hardass nonetheless.”

“Seductively bites yogurt”

“I don’t wanna work as an exorcist ew”

“I guess it wasn’t traffic”

“I don’t care about your job making fake eggs in the 70s”

“Chug 15 olive oils”

“You’re invalid as a human being”

“I just wanna astral project myself into the sun”

“Can I uninstall my teeth”

“I’m going to remove the roof of my mouth” *takes out retainer*

“I’m craving both death and Oreos right now”

“Can you strangle a fish”

“Honey your dick is holding you back”

“I want wall”

“I was proud of you until you finished your sentence”

“Aside from wanting to uninstall my teeth now I want to uninstall my legs”

“Welcome to the calculator game”

“Last hour I got an open container of applesauce thrown at me”

“He looks like a compacted adult”

“Hot food for TIM”

“Did my mom drug my lasagna”

“What just happened?” “My retainer fell out”

“Why are there beans in my chair”

“Shakespeare was a wild card”

“I want a full complement of death”

“Mr Rice you’re a skinny legend”

“Wack? I haven’t heard that since I was in middle school”

“Carrot got yoted”

“Devoreing”

*turns around* “ms Elliott looks like a turtle”

“Purchase one cancer”

“A plateau of a person”

“I’m gonna drink stem cells”

“Is I’m too depressed for this an excuse”

“Sparkling water is just cursive water”

“No one cares about your friends stupid leg nipple”

“If you put wings on your snake rat it a goose”

“My eyeballs have low render distance”

“Ah good, no new bloodstains”

“Bruce banner and all 7 of his PhDs are disappointed in me for not paying attention in biology”

“I think Shakespeare had a foot fetish”

“Instead of marrying Romeos corpse she could marry Paris’s corpse”

“I stole a ring pop from the teacher for you, if that isn’t true love I don’t know what is”

“If your feet come off you’re out”

“You’re thick and not in the good way”

“Is that your answer to everything? Use the knife”

“yeet yeet skittly skeet”

“my mike and Ike’s were definitely laced with acid”

“2 + 1 is 3 you’re stupid”

“We’re gonna 2v1 Shakespeare in a Denny’s parking lot at 3am”

“Real homies eat each other’s legs”

“Ok we have a definitive answer, it is necrophilia”

“why isn’t there a copy and paste button for paper”

“Quit throwing it you ding dong”

“Why does the door sound like bagpipes”

“Are you gonna die in my class or something”

“Just so you know I hear in 4 dimensions”

“Why do I always get stuck with the Texas bitches”

“Fuck my math class this is purgatory”

“You would be a door knob”

“I wanna be a chair”

“That just makes my insides happy”

“I smell,,,,,,,,,,,, a Democrat”

“I found a baby!”

“I’d be the Michael Phelps of doggy paddling”

“Shows before hoes”

“Mother I come to you in my time of need, I need money”

“Big boy posters”

“He just yeeted a bike”

“What kind of 3rd grader insult”

“I play croquet!”

“I cry into my skull”

“He has more hair than brain cells”

*as we enter our history class* “Hello Sophia squared!”

“then it’s just pork squared”

“Elbows are the knees of your feet”

“sounds like mentos for demons”

“You can delete my joints but you can’t delete me”

“I’m predisposed to getting my joints deleted”

“He looks like fucking fletcher from ant farm”

“he wants to be a fuckboi but he’s actually a whore”

“We’re all eboys inside”

“The wind is blowing all the hair I don’t have”

*blows whistle aggressively*

*blows whistle* “I bought it off eBay”

“Switch bitches”

*whistle blows* “YOU SUCK”

“Good job mckell you made it to a base” “oh fuck you”

“You have not lived until you’ve had a whole stalk of rhubarb up your ass!”

“THE GOVERNMENT”

“If I get kidnapped and the guy is hot just diagnose me with Stockholm syndrome already”

“I am just joints”

“School can vore itself”

“Face like teeth”

“I’m short, unathletic and unwilling to try”

*after getting hit in the face* “are you ok” “no but my glasses are and that’s all that matters”

“your virginity or every single one of your toes”

“Thanos broke my dick”

“I’m sorry I have tits”

“Maybe the ball and trash can have magnets in them, and that’s why it keeps landing on the trash can”

“Dumbass with the fuckin sandals”

“It’s Han Han tiddy croissant, get it right”

“My name is Shaka oovka and I know god”

“But this is raspberry pez”

“Gimme your elbows”

*to my mom* “Geometry is propaganda”

“It’s tissue paper not crack you idiot”

“Jack owes the government all of its money”

“You want my nuts”

“I’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for an imitation of jack”

“because the government is tired of me being gay on the internet so they shut down my phone”

“Don’t lick my son Annora”

“I set a playground on fire”

“Stacy’s mom, damn them tiddies”

“Layla just dipped on me and made out with a 17 year old in the bathroom

*sits down* “I look like a horse girl”

“Freddie Mercury died from cooties”

“WAIT BECAUSE OF THE RULER INCIDENT”

tagging @eggtissue so she can see our beautiful creation

[lesbianboobees-blog]

My coming out story

This is long, but to be fair, it took me 10 years. My thoughts may be a little scattered, I dont think I've told this story all the way through before.

I was 18, a senior in high school. I was that goth kid but I was also in the honors and AP classes. I mainly hung out with a small group of other goth/punk kids, a few were open lesbians. One of them, we will call her shannon, ended up being in my Spanish class. We got pretty close, and she started hitting on me. I had always liked her, and I realized maybe I did like her more than a friend. My senior year, a lot of other things had happened to really bring me out of my good girl shell. "Dont knock it till you try it" was basically my motto. So, eventually I slept with shannon. It was ming blowing. There was some typical lesbian triangle drama after that, so we never did it again or had a relationship. One time thing. I didn't really even consider that I only liked women at that point. I just thought "well, I guess I like girls too." And that was that.

My senior year, I had lost my virginity (I had been raised catholic and believed in saving sex for marriage), on a separate occasion I was sexually abused, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type 2. A lot was going on. So I just decided to identify as bisexual.

As a note, I fully support all bisexuals. It is a real thing, it isnt a phase, or any of the other crap people say. In my case, dealing with bipolar disorder and everything else was already too much, I wasnt ready to deal with my sexuality.

I dated another lesbian in my group of friends for about a month. I dont even remember why we broke up, but we stayed friends after. After high school, I went back to dating guys because it was easier. I just got too nervous around women. (Yup, definitely gay). Now, I think bipolar disorder has had a big effect on this story. One of the parts of bipolar that isn't talked about is an extremely high sex drive. Since I wasnt very nervous around men, it was easier to fulfill my sex drive. I am still ashamed of that now, but shit happens. I got engaged to a guy a year and a half after graduating high school. But I freaked out about marriage and cheated on him. The one and only time I have ever cheated. I will never do that again. On to more relationships with men. I broke up with every single guy I was ever with. (Theres yet another sign). I had slept with a few more women, but still hadn't had another relationship yet. I was going to community college, and attendance failed most of my classes. Eventually I decided I wanted to become an automotive mechanic (gayyy). I moved to Arizona to go to a technical school. 2 year program, and I did not live in the school housing program. The whole school was probably 95% men. There was one lesbian I was friends with, she was in a toxic relationship she refused to get out of. So, I was with guys again. Near the end of the program, there was a party I went to. this straight girl admitted she had a major crush on me. So, we slept together. After.. she bowed to me. Full on kneeling on the floor bowing. I was sure she was just drunk and being silly. But unlike anyone else I had been with in school, I was proud of being with her. (Oh the gayness). There was one other girl I had met that I wanted to be in a relationship with, but she didn't seem interested in anything more than sex. I knew I was probably leaving after I graduated anyway. So there wasnt a good reason to pursue it.

I graduated, and moved back home. It was a rough time. All my friends were gone. They got married, or had kids, or moved away. It was so lonely. Going from having so many friends around me for 2 years.. to zero... depression hit hard.

A guy I knew from college stayed in touch and showed interest in a relationship. A few months later, I was moving to Ohio to be with him. Worst years ever. The depression was so overwhelming, and he was clueless. I was lucky enough to find a roommate so I could break up and move out. Eventually I got a job back home and went back. Again, no friends. Same damn story, a guy at my new job showed interest. I guess my thought process was "I just need to try different types of guys". Another relationship. During this one, my only gay cousin died in an accident at the age of 34. It absolutely crushed me. I was not close with him, and barely talked to him, and it took me a long time to realize why it hit me so hard.

After I ended that relationship, I reconnected with my high school ex girlfriend. He was transitioning and wanted my support. He introduced me to his friend, we will call her Jenny.

Now, this part still stings. But it was the relationship that changed things for me in a lot of ways. She pointed out things from my past that were exceptionally gay. And that got me thinking. Really, that was the only good thing to come out of that relationship. After 8 months together, I slowly found out she is a sociopath, pathological liar, and lied and manipulated her way through absolutely everything and everyone. I broke up with her after 10 months. Great first real relationship with a woman. Anyway.

2017 and 2018 (age 26 and 27) was when I really took a good look at my past and considered my sexuality. There were soooooo many things that made me think. I went from " maybe I like girls more than guys" to "holy crap, I'm so fucking gay". But at the same time, I was trying to heal from the deep scars left by that toxic relationship. I started working out at the gym, trying to lose weight, and just focusing on bettering myself. It took me therapy and a little over a year to finally feel like I had healed enough to trust again. Meanwhile, I haven't dated or slept with anyone.

I am 28 now. 10 years from my first gay experience, and I want to have queer friendships and maybe start dating again. I am overcoming the shame of being gay that was learned in my catholic upbringing. 2 of my 3 siblings know I'm gay, and are fine with it. I'm still not out to my parents. I have been living with them so I could pay off my student loans. I'm so close to getting them completely paid off. This year, my goal was to move out and come out to my parents. I dont think my dad will react well, and i would rather not be homeless. Until i can move out, i want to make friends. The vicious cycle of loneliness leading to relationships is going to stop.

I also wanted to mention, when I identified as bisexual, I felt like I wasnt accepted into the LGBTQ community. There was a few women I would've loved to be in a relationship with, but I got the vibe that they werent interested because I was bisexual. I realize now that i may have made that up as an excuse. But I understand the bi struggle. And I fully support every letter of the LGBTQIA community. I dont want anyone to feel like they dont belong here. We are stronger together, and can make a huge difference in each others lives.

That's why now identifying as a lesbian, I feel like a baby gay. Even though I have experience with women sexually, everything else is new. I've heard people say that our generation has had it so much easier coming out, mainly because of the internet. I did not find this true. I was so lost, I didn't even know where to start, or what to search. I mean, you can't search anything lesbian without filtering through a fuckton of porn. I didn't know how to find the information I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted to know. I felt (feel) like a teenager all over again trying to figure out who I am and how I fit into this community.

And that's where this blog starts.

Please feel free to comment, I'm always open to advice and conversation. Also, please be respectful, it feels very vulnerable putting this out there. But I feel it is important to share these stories. If just one person feels less alone and can relate, it was worth it to share.

[thesinglesjukebox]

KACEY MUSGRAVES - RAINBOW

[6.25]

And we close the week with the Golden girl of the Grammys.

Edward Okulicz: On Golden Hour, this feels like an unnecessary coda tacked on; after the beautiful resolution of the title track, the record didn't need another song about everything being alright. Also in that context, I find the second verse's pat rhymes to be a bit gloopy and childish. Taken as a song on its own merits, though, it really works, but almost any other performer wouldn't have the empathetic character to sell it. And she does sell it, because the chorus is one hell of a warming hug. There's a fine line between touching and glurge, and this is on the right side of it. I hope it becomes a sizeable hit so Kacey can strip-mine her wonderful album for further singles until she hits "Love is a Wild Thing." [8]

Alex Clifton: "Rainbow" revisits the theme of "Silver Lining," the opening track from Musgraves's first album, in a much different light. "Silver Lining" is a song about someone who's so afraid to live normally and find happiness that they shoot themselves in the foot by never even trying. "Rainbow" is more about someone who can't try because they're too sad to do so. "Silver Lining" is a buck-up song, one to remind you on the hardest days that you've got to do the big scary things because there's no other way to live, while "Rainbow" is its gentle, kind cousin that reminds you to be careful and tender with yourself. It's a simple, affecting song, just vocals and piano, and yet it never feels sappy; it's the equivalent of being hugged by someone you love. Uplifting songs are really hard to balance, but "Rainbow" stands out with its restraint. It's quiet and honest, and that makes it all the more beautiful. [8]

Katherine St Asaph: When Kacey Musgraves sang "Rainbow" on the Grammys -- only the goddamn Grammys would stick her with this slush when "High Horse" is right! there! -- I had to swear about four times to the person watching with me some variation of "no, wait, I promise she's actually good." The reason: "Rainbow" is the kind of piano ballad that is usually a showcase for divas. To quote Musgraves' album, it's pageant material. So the understated charm of her vocals, so perfect on "Slow Burn" or "Lonely Weekend" or "Oh, What a World," here comes off as fourth-rate Whitney Houston, particularly since she swallows most of the high notes. [1]

Alfred Soto: Suspicious about the consensus building around Golden Hour, I hoped Grammy audiences would get "High Horse" or "Wonder Woman," one of the well-wrought miniatures to which fans had run as if the songs were roaring fireplaces in January. Instead, "Rainbow" offers the poised, broadly scaled empathy that conservatives mock on social media -- I'm surprised Carrie Underwood didn't cover it on her last album. Folks, if you want to convert Kacey Musgraves skeptics this ain't what you're looking for. [3]

Nortey Dowuona: Firm, warm and heavy piano twists and turns, Kacey's empathetic, warm croon soars into the sky, spreading a rainbow behind her. [8]

Thomas Inskeep: The final track on Golden Hour is a pretty ballad, just a piano and Musgraves' voice singing some really beautiful lyrics. And that sums it up tidily: your reaction will largely be based on how you feel about such stripped-down balladry; I'm good with it on occasion, especially when sung by a voice as attractive as this one. [7]

Stephen Eisermann: This song will mean a million things to a million different people and that's part of the reason why it's so great, but I've always looked at it as a nod to the gay community. Kacey has regularly spoken about her allyship and the lyrics seem like the perfect thing to tell a closeted teen boy growing up in a Mexican Catholic home; what I wouldn't have given to hear this wonderful woman singing to me that there is a rainbow above despite all the worry and weight I was carrying. Kacey's sincerity shines through and provides all the warmth that the sparse piano arrangement allows for and you can't help but be impressed by the vulnerability of the vocal she provides. Like a rainbow after a heavy storm, this song is a necessary light after a lot of darkness. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: Would've preferred that Kacey ended her album with "Golden Hour." Would've also preferred that "Golden Hour" (or anything else, really) was sung at the Grammys and became her new single. What we got instead was a plain piano ballad, her own "Yesterday." The image that's conjured up with raincoats, umbrellas, and rainbows makes plainness its virtue: a song so universal that it's well-suited as a lullaby for crying newborns. It's a sweet sentiment, but most of its power comes in how any person could have made this feel personal. The reverb helps. [4]

Iris Xie: I love, love, love, ballads. But this is unbearably flat, spare, and sounds childish. Maybe when the ASPCA finally stops using that Sarah McLachlan song, they could switch over to this. [2]

Matias Taylor: The gorgeous melody paired with Kacey's songwriting voice (unpretentious but endlessly clever and resonant) makes the song genuinely uplifting, making it feel like we'vejust discovered a universal but forgotten truth by tuning into her words. Kacey expresses comfort as always within our own reach, as simple as realizing that things aren't always as bad as they seem, and the perfectly executed metaphor is an ideal match for the simple elegance of this track and the rest of its parent album. [9]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: If singer-songwriters are going to persist in the production of tasteful, unadventurous ballads, I can only hope that they put as much care into them as Kacey Musgraves & Co put into "Rainbow." It works for the same reason the rest of her catalog does -- not necessarily because of any shocking innovation in the form but a good-hearted, detail-filled ethic that suffuses the whole enterprise with a certain joy. Is it the best song on Golden Hour? Certainly not. But it's the best of its kind, and a beautifully written piece regardless. [7]

Will Adams: "You're depressed," my therapist said, pausing for effect. I didn't know how to respond; it was so direct and simple. Everything to that point felt like a fog, perhaps a storm cloud, of circular thoughts I'd wrapped around myself: the recognition that something was wrong but the inability to name it; the fact that the last time I felt truly happy was when I was nineteen, but the theory that this was just a part of growing up; the fear that every single person in my life was simultaneously staring right at me in judgment and looking the other way in embarrassment; the notion that I desperately needed to talk to someone, the admission that no one would care. And in half a second, it was distilled into a single point of clarity. I could almost feel the clouds part in me. That was in summer of last year, after I'd heard Golden Hour and its closing track, "Rainbow." I'd appreciated its clear sound and uplifting message, and it hit the soft spot I have for album-ending ballads. But sometime after that meeting, I listened again. I burst into tears. It felt as if Kacey were singing directly to me, reaching out for my shoulder as it heaved, and guiding me toward the sun. Therapy is grueling -- I often left sessions with a headache, a scratchy throat, or both, after unraveling myself in front of a stranger, pouring out years of bottled sadness, frustration and fear. As good as it felt to release it in the room, I would walk to my car with the words still swirling, the amount of work I still had to do towering over me. I kept going. I kept talking. I started a prescription. The anxiety persists, but I can resist it better. "Rainbow" remains the keepsake from my 2018, a safe harbor to return to for three minutes if ever thunder threatens me. "It'll all be all right," Kacey sings, and it means everything to finally be able to believe that. [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[villainanders]

as the ultimate Lynch expert on all things irish catholic siblings - how do you think Ronan’s coming out to Declan would go down? and do you think Maggie will include in TDT (given how she hasn’t made ronan’s sexuality ‘explicit’ part of his storyline)?

Okay so to start off, I 100% think that Declan already knows that Ronan is gay. People who like Declan definitely gravitate towards ignoring that that scene where his like brow tightens or some shit when he sees Ronan put his legs on Adam because it’s not exactly glitteringly pristine allyship on his part. 

I also think it’s sort of crazy to decry Declan as being a homophobe, as people who don’t like him are prone to do. Whether people are good people or not, nobody lives in a vacuum devoid of cultural influence, particularly rich white teenage boys. It seems wild to be like “well we KNOW Declan is a liberal” when we literally only know that from extrapolating from a single offhand line in TDT, but like, we know that Declan is a liberal, so I’m going to cross “raging homophobe” off the list to begin with because on top that, it’s just an inconsistent choice with the way his character is written overall. 

The way I normally read that scene isn’t exactly in a way that’s super stellar for Declan either, but I think it has to do more with ronan and declan’s idea that the other is always trying to go out of their way to antagonize the other. As absolutely shitty as it is, my number one interpretation for that scene is probably that Declan was thinking “wow i guess ronan is gay just to cause a scene to inconvenience ME personally” (I think it’s more complicated than that, for the record. There’s probably a lot of things at play including unfortunate Catholic reflexes, an unreasonable feeling of being betrayed because Ronan didn’t tell him and never will want to tell him, and the concern of having a brother who is already depressed and dangerous an suicidal and knowing that this is going to mean more conflicts he has to deal with. More things too probably). Which is stupid obviously, and if he’s even aware of the fact that he thinks that, Declan would probably even be aware that that’s totally stupid and unreasonable. But also completely in line with the Lynch Bros antagonism pre-TRK. Ronan thinks everything Declan does is to be overbearing and controlling for no other reason, and Declan thinks everything Ronan does is to make a scene and rebel. This is going to become less of a thing post-TRK after they’ve both realized that they have their own shit they’re coping with, but you also don’t just stop feeling their feelings

This all leading to a coming out that I think probably doesn’t happen. I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility entirely, but in my mind, he just Exists as a Gay Man With a Boyfriend openly and in a way that dares Declan to comment on it. Which ofc Declan is aware of and he already knew Ronan was gay and their relationship is already fragile enough, so he barely comments it. But it also doesn’t help with the idea that Ronan is trying to antagonize him. Anyway, this definitely culminates in an argument eventually that frankly either of them could have started, but hopefully clears the air but also knowing them… probably does not, but works out EVENTUALLY anyway. 

Basically TL;DR: I think it probably doesn’t go perfectly because people don’t react to things perfectly, least of all Declan Lynch, but not like, awfully. 

I kind of doubt this comes up in TDT because I frankly just don’t think that coming out scenes are something that would really interest Maggie in terms of writing? Unless it’s overlapping with other forms of character growth and conflict, or somehow involves magic, which, let’s face it, are pretty real possibilities. 

[maggotmouth]

     hullo it nora, back for more mess. this unhinged little nightmare is cecily who i first birthed around 3 years ago and i am so excited to finally be playing her again. feral wolf girl who loves silk babydoll dresses and bubblegum but would also cut your femoral artery if she was bored. is the eptome of that “somethin dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” trope. amma crellin meets harley quinn meets addy hanlon.  ( pinterest )

APP.

( nora. 22. gmt. she / her. ) it might be HER FRESHMAN year but I still think CECILY DE ROSA looks exactly like FREYA MAVOR and sometimes I think the FEMALE is actually them. Of course I’m wrong, as they’re 19 and studying THEATRE while living in FIDELIS here at Lockwood. The GEMINI can be rather PUCKISH and CANDID, but also kind of SELF-CENTRED and HYSTERICAL. Their most played song on Spotify was CELL BLOCK TANGO by CATHERINE ZETA JONES AND THE COMPANY OF CHICAGO, so I think that says a lot.

BACKGROUND.

tw death suicide murder proceed w caution

born as ‘lamia romana’ in italy to catholic parents. her father was a struggling alcoholic and incredibly depressed. when cece was 4, and her brother was 3 her father fed the gas pipe through the back of their car whilst they prepared to go on their family holiday because he knew suicide would leave his wife and children penniless so he decided the most selfless thing would be to take them with him

cecily (lamia) and her brother luc by some miracle survived the accident, but were left orphaned. they were sent to a convent where they were raised by nuns. cece was incredibly religious. it became her whole life. she was devoted to god completely, almost crazed, because in the absence of parents she transferred the need for a guider and protector onto this spiritual other evoked by her religious beliefs.

she always had a strained relationship w her brother because she believed he wasn’t as devoted to catholicism as she was. when she was 13 he claimed that god wasn’t real and that she was a freak, and in a violent rage cecily thrust a crucifix through his throat. it was completely out of character for her. she screamed until her throat went dry. eventually,  when the nuns managed to tear her away from her brother’s body, she was taken to a psychiatric hospital in manhattan where she stayed for two years. driven to madness, she convinced herself that she had been possessed by the devil the moment she killed her brother, and soon she began to accept her fate, as not holy, like she had anticipated, but in fact it’s ungoldy antithesis

when she was released, she was adopted by an american distant aunt and uncle and sent to a manhattan boarding school under the new name ‘cecily de rosa’. see also: st. trinnians. lifted of any religious obligation, cecily grew wild. she delighted in acting up, cheeking her superiors, causing havoc and chaos, terrifying the other girls. sex became her weapon – she would seduce the boys from the local comprehensive and drop them like flies. to her, it was merely a game. 

uses sex as a weapon, a way in which to manipulate men, having filmed sexual liasons with both a former acting coach and a TA to use for the purposes of blackmail. 

 her expulsion from school was threatened after she streaked the school naked and doused in pig blood, but her academic prowess was an asset to the school, so they learnt to put up with her antics. she applied for yale but didn’t get in.

 she atended juliard for a year but was thrown out for indecency

theatre-wise, one of Cecily’s most commendable traits is her sheer tenacity and lack of inhibition – she is willing to do whatever it takes to climb to the top, and kick as many other people down as necessary on her way there. tthis unhinged hunger for success was evidenced when, in her breakout role, cecily played Tamora in Titus Andronicus. feeling the presentation of one of shakespeare’s most terrifying women was ‘pussy-footed’ and dulled down for a male audience, cecily took matters into her own hands, and during the famous banquet scene where Tamora is fed her own sons, she ate a pig’s heart live on stage – receiving both awestruck and horrified press reviews for her performance -- and getting expelled from her drama school. (thats why she is now at lockwood)

she is in a sorority house n the gymnastic squad. she speaks fluently in four languages. the kind f sociopathic lana del rey writes songs about. 

was raised Roman Catholic, and although she is now estranged from religion, it’s still an integral part of her identity. She holds it partially responsible for the need to repress emotion she still experiences. The only time she allows herself to truly feel, without perceiving it as a weakness, is when she’s performing

cecily was raised with dual-nationality and is multi-lingual. Her parents frequently spoke both Italian and English around the house, leading cecily to do the same. She is also somewhat familiar with Latin, having studied it alongside Literature, Contemporary Dance and Theatre at a manhattan-based performing arts boarding school.

ethereal wood elf. plays flute and does ballet. her favourite tv shows are making a murderer and dance moms. she is big on Tchaikovsky and Bukowski. poetry to cecily is soup of the soul, despite the fact that the only things she really feels are apathy and mild disgust. her poems mostly centre around the beauty of violence -- writing about it often prevents her from committing violent acts -- and also her cat.

loves gettin fucked up. always high on sometin -- cocaine, ecstasy, love, her own ego.

had her first taste of alcohol at 15 and has stayed fond of spirits ever since. likes literature of the macabre, isn’t fond of social media, and loves knee high socks and glitter. she bites her nails, will only take cold showers, and doesn’t drink coffee. loves cats. is vegan.

she sleeps like a cat, regularly but short amounts of time, and is usually found awake at night stalking the streets in the pursuit of self-destruction. she views herself as pansexual because she is attracted to people rather than genders but she thinks men are trash. probably biromantic or homoromantic. she loves the chase. she likes meaningless sexual liasons, but if hearts are broken in the process, even better. hearts are breakable and she believes those who have them are foolish.

aesthetic:  peroxide hair in a bathtub, bleach, glittery socks under spaghetti strap heels, silk slip dresses, glitter smeared beneath eyes, split knuckles, nose bleeds, a bubble of blue gum snapped against cherry flavoured lips, orange peel, knee-high socks, tartan two-piece skirt and blazers, kate moss posters ripped out of vogue, littering a bedroom wall, yearbook photos tacked together with red thread, clip in highlights, stick on earrings, french music humming from a crackly gramophone, a hip flask covered with hello kitty stickers

PLOTS.

i currently have NO PLOTS for her so everything is open. if you want a cousin / ex-lover / friend with benefits  / bully, or are dying for a specific connection, let me know or like this post and i will msg you!! LOVE U ALL xoxo

more plots all of these are plagiarised:

“you were drunk and you climbed in through my apartment window and I’m not really sure how you managed it because not only is the fire escape broken but you are really fucking plastered wtf please, teach me your skills?”

“i set your kitchen on fire ‘by accident’ because i hate your guts, and you know it was me but you have no evidence”

“we’re in a breakfast club style all day detention”

“you came over for ‘help studying’ and my roommate came home five minutes after we were done hooking up and you got roped into a conversation about her dogs and everyone is uncomfortable”

“we’re friends but it’s a really toxic relationship made up of trying to one up each other all the time”

“I caught you writing gay porn in the library and now you’re terrified i’ll tell everyone, but really i’m just waiting for the next instalment”

“i asked you to help me sneak my cat into my dorm but we got caught by the janitor and now we’re both in the principal’s office”

“you saw me come back to my apartment covered in blood one night, but you’ve never asked about it because you’re scared that yours might be the next blood i’m covered in”

“you broke into my apartment while I was out for whatever reason and when I came home I knocked you out and now you’re unconscious on my floor and idk what to do?”

“i just decked you in the face because i’m drunk and you were pissing me off but ow my hand really fucking hurts i think i might have broke it and oh look your nose is bleeding and now we’re both sitting awkwardly in the hospital while i glare at you from across the room. but wait are you giving me sex eyes?? stop that i’m supposed to mad at you??”

“you keep dragging suspicious sacks up to and down from your apartment and I don’t know what your deal is or why I still wanna bone you”

“we’re in the same rocky horror troupe”

“i stayed over at your house and woke you up in the middle of the night to have sex while your roommate is asleep and every time, your room mate yells “STOP FUCKING, JESUS CHRIST” right when we’re about to finish”

“we used to have a thing but  now we hate each others guts and can’t be in the same room without yelling at one another”

“i had a drunk one night stand with your brother last year and i threw up in your room, and now we’re in a class together and it’s really awkward.”

[sailorswelcome]

WOWZA

tagged by @hi-im-eilidh thanks mom ur the loml and i would Absolutely die for you. also in writing this i just discovered grammarly has a tumblr extension. hmmmm.

what’s the smell of your shampoo?

I wash my hair..... like once every two weeks? bc i have so little of it and it doesn't need to be washed ever. the shampoo i keep at school is rosemary and the stuff i have at home is lemon, but it took so much effort to remember this bc i just never wash my hair bc im disgusting.

what’s your aesthetic?

luckily for me i have a pinterest board called aesthetic with 2.6k pins so i have a VERY clear idea for this. lumberjack shit, “the north” in general; ice and woods and glaciers and mountains and stuff. museums and classical things; art history and rome and greece bc thats just my shit. coffee shops, pretentious looking people smoking cigarettes, warm socks, log cabins, standing in the snow, words written in paintbrush over photos of landscapes, the moon, the sea, the desert. 

what’s your favorite time of the day and why?

between 2 and 3 am bc i am horrible at sleeping. the light is always very beautiful then no matter where you are idk why. it is nice to look out the window then or take a walk or sit in the hall when everyone else on your floor is asleep. its just always very quiet and beautiful. 

what do you most like about the beach?

GOOOOOOOD I LOVE THE BEACH uhhhhhh hgngngngngn i like it at night and in the winter and i like to look at it from on top of a cliff bc i love the way you can see every dip and sandbar because the color of the water changes... i love when its really clear in the early spring and you can see the seals after they dive underwater. I love the beach at night and swimming at night and the moon's reflection on the water and i love when it gets REALLY cold some winters and parts of the harbor will actually freeze and you get these huge chunks of ice washing up. I love when big chunks of driftwood wash up and you can use them as benches. I love the beach a lot can u tell. 

what do you worry about constantly?

dark question op! i worry about Everything but mostly that I’ll never be happy, and that i’m annoying and a bad friend. everything else is just stemming from that.  

what is a song you’ve cried to before?

i’ve cried to almost every single song i know but the number one hard hitters are I Need My Girl by The National, Lakeside View Apartments Suite by The Mountain Goats, and I’d Rather Be With Them by Marika Hackman. Those last two are both hit me with their lines about being really sad and throwing up which is just a trope that gets me I guess. oofa. 

what are some relaxing tips for your followers?

i have never once in my life been relaxed but i would say mixing up the ways that you relax? having a really consistent routine to relax has never worked for me bc it stops working after a while and i just autopilot through it. talk to a friend, play some music, draw, go for a walk, take a nap on the floor instead of your bed, take a bath. journal, drink some water, eat something. try something new every time depending on what is stressing you out. go with the flow dudes.

what are some things that make you tear up?

like. all music as i said i have cried at Every song. also a lot of movies make me tear up. idk this is a bad question bc i just start crying sometimes for no reason i think my eyes just do that. i was hanging out with a friend one time and my eyes just started leaking and he was like hey whats wrong? and i was like no idea! its a mystery to us both

what is your favorite from each sense?

sight - sunlight falling on the floor through windows  

smell - hey this is going to sound so weird but im OBSESSED with the smell of the chemicals they put in air conditioners and freezers. its my favorite smell in the world. i dont know why i just smell a refrigerator and nut

taste - this is honestly the first thing i could think of but on christmas eve i was at @hi-im-eilidh ‘s house and her mom made biscuits and like holy shit

sound - catholic boys choir hitting a high note in a big cathedral 

touch -  holding hands im gay 

what is an alternative reality you’ll like to live in?

noir detective novel where i am very cool and i have 20/20 vision and a gun and i can monologue

what are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

i am always stressed and lonely and i have no money for gas as i drive a pickup truck. also my friends who i love dearly always SPILL FOOD IN MY CAR, AND DONT PICK IT UP, IS THIS YOUR FUCKING BEDROOM I DONT THINK SO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF GGOD

what is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

there is this post-apocalyptic book called After The Snow and i don't remember much of it but i know the protagonist was this boy and he had a cave full of animal skulls that he like worshipped and talked to and i just remember that made me really sad bc everyone thought he was weird for having any sort of remaining spirituality after the world had ended but like god he was doing so well it made me big sad 

say something to your followers:

sorry this post was so fuckign long and depressing! i promise i am usually not this sad! these are just cursed questions. also hey... i love u all.. thanks for putting up with me 

im tagging @brushite bc i love her and want her to suffer thru answering these 

[jerjclooners]

With Mac’s performance, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia can no longer be a show about nongrowth.

Its only been like a day since I saw that beautiful season 13 finale of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but I can already sense the people around me getting tired because it’s all I want to talk about. My roommates are only vaguely aware of the show. They’ve never been obsessed with it like I was from 2012, until 2016. And then now. I’ve been haunting the apartment with my laptop, opened to youtube, the video clip of the end of “Mac Finds His Pride” queued up, ready to be watched for maybe the ninth time. I sent it to my friends who I think would be willing to have a conversation with me about it. It doesn’t matter to me who has the context of the rest of Sunny, and who doesn’t. All that matters to me is if someone is willing to watch and listen. Because I want to talk about it.

I think it was in 2016, in the middle of the 11th season, when I finally gave up on the new episodes. But sometimes, I’d open Hulu and binge on seasons 2 to 8, and I’d think about what I believe has gone wrong with the latest seasons, starting from season 9. I’ll think about why I stopped watching. 

Maybe its just me, but it seemed like every character in Sunny had all turned into caricatures. In the beginning, the popularity of the show stemmed from the fact that these are all terrible people who no one would want to meet in real life. None of them have any sense of social responsibility, or empathy. But what made the show good, and the antics funny, was that on some level, the audience could understand the impulses the gang acted on in every episode. It was low budget with a simple concept. The worst people in the worst city in America acting on their worst impulses. And for the show to keep working on this concept, their characters could never learn from their behavior, could never grow or develop. 

It’s Always Sunny was a good show until it wasn’t anymore. I don’t know. The jokes began to feel stale. The show couldn’t give me character development--this was their promise from the beginning, but it wasn’t giving me anything else to make the characters and their antics fresh. I could start to predict the plot easily. A few episodes might get a chuckle, but not a hearty belly laugh. The new episodes just didn’t feel new. The quality of picture and sound maybe got better, the budget more expensive. The gang was leaving Philly more and more often, and the schemes were getting wilder, bigger. But I wasn’t laughing anymore. My opinion was that keeping Sunny running for so long was a mistake. It seemed like the creators were becoming more progressive people who were trying to address complex topics--definitely a good thing, but they were growing past their own show, because their characters were not capable of complexity. Sunny taught their audiences that their characters will never change, and so the show was becoming stale because they were recycling material and old jokes without complicating them, because how could they when their own characters are not meant to be seen as complicated. They cannot grow or develop. That was the point from the beginning.

A couple days ago, I came across a few shots of Mac’s Dance. I thought, “Oh cool, Rob Mcelhenney is in another thing.” I never considered that those shots would be from It’s Always Sunny until I saw the whole thing. They looked too serious, too polished and sculpted. 

My opinion is changed. Rob Mcelhenney did something insanely brilliant with Mac in the season finale, reversing the tone of the show unexpectedly, taking a giant leap, so to speak. And I don’t know what to do with this new thing Sunny has given me. But if any character of Sunny deserved character development, it was definitely Mac. If you were to ask me, he had the most complicated material to work with, not only including his sexuality. When I actually try and consider it, he was always the most sympathetic. As a practicing Catholic, he operates off of some kind of moral compass, no matter how flawed, damaging, and often bigoted. Of the entire gang, he was the one who tried the hardest to be a good person, or the person he believed he should be in the confines of something bigger than himself. The rest of the gang never thought of their identities as deeply as Mac. That was why coming out of the closet was such a big deal for him. In the episode where he comes out to the gang, he accepts his sexuality, but he gets depressed, telling the group that God is not real, because even though he accepts his sexuality now, he cannot accept that God would make him gay. The two main components of Mac’s identity, Catholicism and homosexuality, are contradictory. He cannot accept them existing at the same time. I can’t think of anything nearly as interesting happening with the other four.

Mac also has body dysmorphic disorder. He constantly changes his physical appearance as he seeks the approval of others. That’s part of the joke, though, that his appearance is constantly changing and nobody knows or understands why. In season 13, it only comes off as another joke aimed at Mac’s dysmorphia. The joke is that he gets ripped because he thought it was part of one of the gang’s schemes when it wasn’t. It’s a call back to a previous joke in season seven. Mac gets fat because he thinks he’s “cultivating mass” for another one of the gangs schemes, which isn’t actually part of any plan. In season 13, he presents his ripped torso to the gang, who don’t understand what is going on. Charlie then explains, “Oh, yeah, no one ever really knows what’s going on with Mac. He’s fat, he’s skinny, he’s muscular. It’s really a cry for help and attention, I think. So, what you do in that situation is you ignore him.” Then Mac, unsure, asks, “We’re not going to put it into the plan? Why did I do it?” Everyone: “Nobody knows.” 

Mac: “You guys like me, right?”

Nobody answers.

Mac’s character was always seeking the approval of someone. It begins with his father in season 3, “Dennis Looks Like A Registered Sex Offender,” which shows Mac desperately trying to bond with an unresponsive father. In later seasons, Mac mainly seeks his approval from Dennis, who doesn’t approve of anyone in the gang, the gang is just easy for him to control, especially Mac. So, when Mac didn’t have approval from his dad, he sought approval from Dennis and from God. Neither of which worked out for him. 

Now, we have the season 13 finale. It’s just so, so good. It’s emotional, heartbreaking, and the reason for this is because of who Mac is. He’s actually a sympathetic character. He’s complex, three-dimensional. Flawed, but tortured. The audience can react emotionally to the dance because of everything Mac had given thus far, not just from the beginning of “Mac Finds His Pride,” but maybe as far back as season six, or even further, in “Dennis Looks Like A Registered Sex Offender,” when Mac struggles desperately and fails to connect with his emotionally distant, ex-con father. Sure, in that episode, it’s meant to build to a punchline of the joke at the end, that as soon as Mac reacts appropriately to the way his father was treating him, he finds out that his dad did have plans to connect with his son, before Mac ruined it. 

The dance is unexpected. For 13 seasons, Sunny fans have been taught that no matter what, Mac would make a fool of himself. Not this time.

In this article from Vulture, Rob Mcelhenney expresses his intention for the finale. “’We got a really overwhelming emotional response from the LGBTQ community last year,’ McElhenney said. ‘I took it seriously and I felt it would be completely unexpected to have this much more emotionally resonant end to the season. You would expect that Mac would express himself through the art of contemporary dance and it go horribly wrong, until you realize that’s not the direction we’re taking.’” 

All Mac really needed was for someone to tell him that all the confusing things going on inside of him (the storm they are dancing in, the dance itself, all of it meant to represent his struggle) is okay. Mac needed someone to tell him that it was okay, that everything he is, and everything he feels even though it is confusing and contradictory, is okay. Thinking back to everything the audience has seen from Mac, you realize he is just a deeply wounded person. Maybe he’s involved with a bunch of narcissists like Dennis, Frank, Dee, and Charlie because of how wounded he is and has always been. But even before this, he has shown more complexity than all the other characters combined.

Again, from Vulture: “Rob came out of the writers room saying he wanted it to represent the struggle, the push and pull, and that helped Leo and me to put the choreography together in a way that showed vulnerability and strength,” Faulk said. “The woman represents the light and the good and everything pure and amazing — and he’s the dark. So it’s basically a giant metaphor for being able to love and accept yourself.”

Sunny did something completely different and unexpected for one of their most complex characters, they gave him a platform in which he is able to find love and acceptance, and then receive it as it came from somewhere he wasn’t expecting.

I feel pretty inspired by what Sunny just did, and now, I am going to expect more from the show. The creators have grown as people, and the stories they want to tell are more complex than before. Their characters are going to have to, or will have to continue to, catch up with them. I’ve been waiting for the show to end, thinking it could never grow. Sunny just proved me wrong.

One concrete example of what I wish to see in the next season: Mac standing up for himself against Dennis. If the show goes back to the way they were doing things before season 13, I will be completely disappointed. I don’t necessarily expect Mac to be completely different after this, but he’s the character who has shown the most character growth and complexity, even before the finale. If Dennis treats Mac the same way and Mac doesn’t stand up for himself in some way of another, I will be deeply uncomfortable. I might even feel betrayed. 

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia just threw away their old playbook. It’s a new show now.