#i already have autism and i’m fairly convinced that i have adhd too

[thebluemage]

Now that I think about it. I believe that I have ADHD too

[hawkinshighdropout]

Hold Onto Me.

Pairing: Eddie Munson x (female) Reader

Summary: You are having a tough day and struggling with being overstimulated during lunch hour, your boyfriend Eddie can sense that you are at your limit and takes you away from the situation to allow you to decompress.

Warnings: No warnings, this is purely fluff/pure content. Unless you are triggered by the thought of adhd/autism overstimulation? This was written from a place of personal experience, I am not writing this from a place of objectifying or glamorising mental health <3 Or, if you count a couple of curse words as needing a warning? Idk, I haven’t written fanfics in like 8 years so I’m a little rusty…

Note/Request: Requested by anonymous. “hey :) i really love your writing, especially how it doesn’t just center on sexy stuff, sometimes it’s nice to just read some hurt/comfort or fluff! anyway, no pressure but if you’re open to requests i’d love if you did something where the reader gets sensory overload and (ever doting boyfriend) eddie notices + tries to help? taking them somewhere quiet to breathe, checking in to see what they need, maybe squeezing/rocking them to try to help regulate? it just seems like something eddie would be super thoughtful and attentive about. what caused the overload can be up to you, maybe a party or loud music or even just it being too hot out or something… just throwing some ideas, pick and choose what works in your opinion, i trust you with it!”

Word Count: 2.2k

Send me prompts to write about!

It was all too much.

The sounds, the lighting, the mental stimulation.

It was all too much for your sensitive brain to handle right now. The cafeteria was roaring with everyone piling in and migrating towards their own friendship groups for the one hour of “peace” the students get from their classes.

Peace for them was like a nightmare for you, you could usually mask your discomfort fairly easily, but days like today had you already at your limit the moment you sat down at the Hellfire table.

Wincing a little as you sat, moving your head out of the way out of pure routine at this point whilst Eddie threw another one of his dried snack pieces at the younger members of their group. You didn’t know what they had done to warrant that kind of response out of your boyfriend, but frankly you weren’t in the right headspace to care.

It was probably something menial that your sweet boyfriend had of course overreacted to, that was the most likely scenario between the group. You had already zoned out of whatever conversation was happening around you, fiddling with the pull tab on the can you had placed in front of you, trying to block out the world around you.

“Isn’t that right, babe?” Eddie asked, pulling you from your thoughts.

“Huh? What?” you snap back to reality, glancing over at your curly haired boyfriend with a puzzled look on your face, eyes searching his face for some context for what you had missed.

“Nothing, nothing,” he dismissed, changing the subject, allowing for the rest of the group to be lost in conversation once again as they were so blissfully unaware of your struggle right now, “you okay?” he asked, voice hushed for you.

You offer a measly nod in agreement, clearly your acting wasn’t very convincing as Eddie had his little puppy dog eyes lingering on you, trying to show that he didn’t believe you without drawing too much attention to it. His gaze flickering down to see that you were gnawing at your lower lip and abandoning the can in favour of toying with the skin around your nails.

It all clicked in an instant for him, you were clearly overstimulated. A light bulb went off in his mind, taking a mere few seconds to put the context clues together and know that you needed an out.

He stood up without saying much, offering his ring clad fingers in your direction as he used his free hand to scoop your backpack over his shoulder. Taking your hand delicately and tangling your fingers together with a soft smile on his face, trying to reassure you that the struggling won’t last much longer. You stood on shaking legs, knees threatening to buckle, gripping his palm like it was your lifeline as you brush down your skirt with your free hand to preserve your modesty.

“Where are you guys going?!” Dustin cried out a little, confusing riddling his face as you both stood up whilst he was mid-sentence.

“We’re gonna go makeout, mind your business, nerd,” Eddie grinned down at the younger kid, ruffling up his hair in the process which elicited an annoyed groan from Dustin.

“Ew, gross, really?!” Dustin whined, throwing down his fork in dismay before rolling his eyes at the thought of you two disappearing in the middle of the day for that kind of behaviour.

Obviously you weren’t on your way to Eddie’s van for that purpose, but they didn’t need to know that. You were far more content having them believe that you were horny perverts than that you were struggling and needed to be alone. You’d tell them eventually, just not today.

You slip out of the cafeteria effortlessly, keeping your head down and focusing on the way that Eddie would squeeze your hand every now and again to bring you comfort as he escorted you to his van. Opening the door and placing your bag in the back before you both climbed in, him slamming the door shut behind you both and apologising for the loud noise.

“You want the headphones, sweetheart?” he offered, you nod once.

The van was the perfect place to come and escape to when you were overstimulated like this, it was dark, quiet, a little cold, it allowed you to decompress without judgement. Reaching into one of the pockets of his van, Eddie grabs out your noise cancelling headphones, turns them on and places them over your head to cover your ears.

Pressing a delicate little kiss to the centre of your forehead before sitting back to give you the space you so desperately needed. Letting out a sigh of relief you weren’t sure for how long you had been holding in, your body noticeably relaxes the second the world is silenced.

This had been your routine for as long as you could remember. If you were on the verge of a melt down and needing a break from reality, Eddie would bring you out here and just give you the peace and quiet you needed between classes.

Sometimes it would be the headphones, sometimes he would offer you a change of shirt when your collar felt suffocating, sometimes it would be just to sit in the dark when you started to get irritated with the synthetic illumination of Hawkins High. Every need was catered to, and you were eternally grateful to have such a kind and understanding partner to guide you through it all.

You’re not sure how long has passed, you weren’t focusing on the time, just the fact you were able to breathe again. Keeping the headphones on, you crawled the small distance between yourself and Eddie and clamber into his lap. His arms instantly snaking around your midsection to keep you safe, his lips on your forehead in an instant.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t force you to speak, he just held you and kept you grounded. Your security blanket in human form, that’s what he was. It didn’t take long before you were gently being rocked back and forth in his arms, the magazine he was reading was quickly tossed aside in favour of you getting in his lap, a small hum coming from his lips and even though you couldn’t hear it, the vibration of his chest was enough to soothe you.

You let your eyes slip close and focus on the rhythm of his breathing to lull you into a more relaxed state, squeezing your arms tightly around him to ensure he wasn’t going anywhere. Of course he wasn’t, but you liked the security in knowing he was trapped in your hold.

You hadn’t spoken the whole time since before you even entered the cafeteria, Eddie respected that. You knew each other well enough that he’s pretty sure you could communicate full conversations with just glances if you put the time into trying. You needed silence, he gave you that silence.

Eddie lets out a disappointed sigh at the sound of the school bell ringing through the cafeteria, it was so loud that it could be heard with ease from the van. No wonder you were over stimulated at times like these, that thing was absolutely obnoxious. Rolling his eyes at the sound, he then takes a deep breath before starting to focus on you once again, knowing he would need to peel you from your comfortable state and ease you back into reality, he hated this part.

Gently gripping the ear of the headphone, he pulls it away slightly from the side of your head so he can speak gently into your ear, nuzzling his nose against your temple as he did so.

“Sweetheart? We gotta get back in there..” he sighed, watching the way that your face tensed up once more at the thought.

You clung tighter to him, breaking his heart as he hated to be the reason you had to leave your quiet place. If it was up to him, he would let you stay here all day, classes and education be damned, but he knew you took your education seriously and he wouldn’t bet the reason your perfect attendance was halted.

Letting out an annoyed groan from your lips, you sit up a little in his lap and grumble whilst taking off the headphones and passing them back to your boyfriend for him to put away.

“I’m sorry, baby. I know…” he offers, trying to find some kind of consolation or compromise for ripping your shield away from you.

You weren’t mad at him, none of those noises were directed at him, he was a saint. You just hated the fact every little thing got to you, and that you had to return back to school, you just wanted to stay here all day and forget about responsibilities. Climbing out of his lap, not before giving him a kiss and a soft “thank you” for this break, you tug your backpack over your shoulders and let out another defeated sigh.

Shuffling your way out of his car with a grumble at the bright summer’s sun beaming down on Hawkins makes you want to rip your eyes right out of your skull. Stepping aside once you feel a gentle hand patting your backside, glancing to see it was a hint from your boyfriend to scoot out of the way slightly so he could shut the door without nudging you.

Eddie offers you a reassuring smile, doing his best to comfort you without touching you, knowing that sometimes even holding his hand could push you over the edge. Not because you didn’t adore holding his hand, but something as simple as too much human contact could nudge your limit of tolerance.

Reaching out, you wrap your small hand around his bicep, keeping a light grip on his leather sleeve as a compromise. You wanted to hold him, be held by him, but you both knew your limits, your thumb stroking back and forth along his clothed skin was reassurance enough for him that you were okay. Taking the dreaded path back in the direction of the school, Eddie opens the doors for you both and walks you back to class.

Luckily the next couple classes would be far less stimulating for you. One was your English class where you had a practise test, meaning the lights would be dull and you would be in silence, perfect. The other was a study hall session, which meant that you and Eddie could sit quietly at your desks and read notes at your own pace.

Sitting in silence at your English desk, soft smiled metalhead boyfriend just mere inches away from you as you both begun your practise test. As per usual, Eddie wasn’t actually focusing on the task at hand, his attention either drawn to keeping an eye on you or doodling on his notepad. Both of which you expected, as long as he passed this semester and graduated with you, you were happy, you didn’t intervene with his self-soothing habits.

He was more the type to tap his pencil against the table or hum to himself when he was restless, but he had to nip that habit in the bud when you were in these headspaces. He didn’t want to cause any additional stress to your already fragile state, hence the doodling.

You glance up from your test to see his beady eyes darting all across the room, restless energy oozing out of him. You two were polar opposites. He loved the bright lights, loud noises, constant movement and energy, and you were one for dim lights, soft sounds, finding one spot and staying there until your legs went numb. It’s why you worked so well together, you balanced each other out for a well-rounded compromise.

Reaching over, you subtly link your pinkie finger with his own, offering him a shy smile at the confused look on his face. It was your attempt at grounding him, letting him know that you were there and to offer a distraction from his own racing thoughts. He settled immediately, showing that same dopey smile that made you fall in love with him.

Gesturing to the test with your eyes, you notice that he hadn’t done much except fill out his name on the top corner. He was smart, nothing in the world could disprove that he as an intelligent guy, he just lacked the capacity to settle down and prove himself on paper. Whether it was his attention span or his “what does this shit even matter in the real world” mindset, his grades never reflected how truly intelligent he was. He was both book smart and street smart, the latter you were still working on learning for yourself.

He offers the most half-assed attempt at a pout, almost silently begging you to not make him focus on the test. Your eyebrow raising challengingly as if to tell him to just settle down and get on with it. You knew it wasn’t that simple for him, of course. He’s not avoiding taking the test because he was lazy, but you hoped that a little encouragement might jumpstart him to fly through the test in front of him.

He picked up the pencil, that was a start. You look a little helpful before he just begun spinning the object between his fingers like a drumstick. Rolling your eyes fondly, you just shake your head and go back to your test, a smile on your face as you pencil in your answers.

Some things never change.

[aroworlds]

Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Shell

Our next aro-spec creator is Shell, already known to the aro-spec community as @arosnowflake and the author of the awesome short story Seducing Trouble!

Shell is an autistic, ADHD, non-binary aro-ace person who writes short stories, original fiction, fanfiction and essays. You can find eir fanworks on AO3 under the username spitecentral, writing for the Voltron: Legendary Defender, Fullmetal Alchemist, DC Universe, Batman and Batgirl fandoms, and we’ll hope ey posts more pieces from eir original Coffeeshop Project!

With us Shell talks about how ey writes romance as an aro-ace, depicting relationships in fiction, the impact of amatonormativity on creativity and eir alienation from current aro-spec community conversations. Eir words bound with enthusiasm on authentic creativity and the growth of the aro-spec community, so please let’s give em all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

I never thought I was anything other than straight, although I did start noticing that I was different from other people when I was as young as twelve (for example, I remember being asked to pick the handsomest guy in a boy band, but to me, they all looked the same). However, I simply put this down to my autism, and since I was already desensitized to differences with peers, I pretty much ignored it. That is, until I repeatedly saw the word ‘asexual’ used online, and I began to wonder what it was, so I googled it. After reading the first paragraph on the Wikipedia page, I basically slammed my computer shut and did my very best to convince myself that no, I was overreacting, and also straight; after all, I was already autistic and ADHD, so any more diversity would be implausible.

Past me was so naive.

Anyway, I came to terms with being asexual at sixteen, and openly started identifying with it without adding ‘I think’ when I was seventeen. When I learned about the SAM, I initially dismissed the idea of being aro because I had a couple of crushes when I was a kid. However, after learning more about aromanticism and after some conversations with aromantic people, I decided to adopt the label since it really fit me. I mean, I was like nine when I had those crushes, and I don’t feel like they counted. I’m fairly sure now that I was just having them because it seemed like the Thing To Do, and, even then, all of my fantasies involved a more platonic ‘best friends forever but with shared pets’ lifestyle than a romantic thing. So while I may or may not have had crushes before, I don’t think I ever will again, and I don’t want to either, so I’ve adopted the aromantic label. I know it sounds weird, but oh well!

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?

I don’t remember exactly why or when I began to write. I know it happened when I was around twelve, but that’s kind of it? It’s not really a spectacular story. As for how I began to create the things I do now, that’s slightly more interesting. Really, everything centers around one thing: spite. No one writes autistic characters, and no one writes stories with no romantic plotlines, so I guess I’ll have to do it myself! That’s my literal thought process behind my writing at any given moment, honestly. Even when I’m not writing about autism or other marginalized identities, I write obscure and sometimes absurdist fantasy with magic types or settings that I haven’t seen used before, because I find writing that fascinating, or because I’m annoyed that no one else has used that particular idea. I’m fairly sure that was the reason I began writing originally, too: I had stories I wanted to read, and no one was writing them, so I guess I’ll have to do it.

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Well, first and foremost, I never focus on romantic relationships. Even when they appear in the story, they are not the focus. I’m so sick and tired of reading romantic plotlines, and I am not planning on ever contributing to that trend, thank you very much. So platonic relationships, worldbuilding or character development are often central to the story, instead of romance.

Second, I have this habit of interpreting tropes differently than allos because of my aromanticism. Name soulmates, for example. I know they aren’t a very popular trope in the aro community, but I love them. However, I have a different definition of them than most: I’ve always interpreted a ‘soulmate’ as someone who changes your life (for better or for worse), not your ‘other half’ or whatever nonsense we’re on today. I didn’t even realize that wasn’t a widespread thing until I heard aros complain about soulmate tropes! Stuff like that happens on a fairly regular basis, so I think my aromanticism definitely affects how I write certain settings/tropes, too.

Third, if I do write romance, I feel like I do it in a different way than allo creators. First, I suck at it. Badly. I used to try and write it in the same way that I always heard about it, bold and dramatic and mushy, and my mom (my loyal proofreader when I was a kid), always looked at me awkwardly and was like, ‘No, that’s not how it’s done.’ Since I don’t experience it, I honest to god don’t get why people insist that it’s the best or most important feeling in the world. The way characters in fiction always put their friendships or anything else on hold when that person walks by just … baffles me. I can’t write romance that way. I just can’t.

Instead, I tend to write romance in a much quieter way. If two of my characters are in an established relationship (and it’s always established because I still can’t write ‘coming together’ stories for the life of me), they are casual and comfortable with each other. In any relationship I write, platonic or romantic, I find open communication and trust to be very important. I kind of give all my relationships that same base, and then I add little flavours that I think are unique to that type of relationship. For romance, this is soft love and PDA. PDA is usually quick kisses on the cheek, holding hands, etc. The love is the type of thing where they fondly smile whenever the other does anything, really. I think that more subtle way of writing romance works decently, although I have gotten a lot of people telling me that I often also write friendships as romance, which is weird because I don’t think I do? I add a louder sort of love to friends, generally, and when they do have a quiet moment, it’s usually more serious rather than fond, and I think that’s different. But maybe I do write friendships as romance but I haven’t noticed it? Or maybe it’s amatonormativity making people read it like that?

I don’t know. I have no clue what I’m doing. Save me.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

I can only talk about what I face as a fanfic writer, as I don’t really post my original works because I lack the platform for them. (I sometimes post stuff when there are events going on over on larger blogs than lil’ old me, but that doesn’t happen consistently enough to really be talked about.)

As a fanfic writer, well. I’m sure you’ve all heard it before: no one reads gen fic. Although I tend to have a pretty high kudos-to-hits ratio, that means nothing if you get less than 100 hits. In my case especially, as I tend to write for niche audiences, usually picking unpopular characters or friendships to write for, or writing specifically about autistic experiences. Not having the added hook of romance really hurts me in my exposure. Almost always when a story becomes kind of popular (as in it has 40+ kudos), it’s because it’s been recommended by someone with a bigger platform than me, or when I write about popular characters.

(There’s other reasons my stories don’t get popular, of course, like not knowing how to self-advertise and the fact that I have the charisma of a rock, but that’s not what this section is about.)

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

Not at all, honestly? I said before I talked to some aromantic people, but that was mostly by anon asks, and the few I did actually message, well, I remade my blog so now I don’t have any contact. On top of that, the aro community (to my knowledge) doesn’t really have a central tag? Like, the autistic community has the #actuallyautistic tag, but I think the closest we have is #safeforaro, which (to my understanding) is more a reaction to discourse than anything else.

Aside from that, the aro community is really small, and mostly focused on making younger aros accept their identity. While that’s great, as someone who already has accepted their identity, it distances me a bit. And the few blogs that don’t focus on this, while absolutely lovely, are always so … sad? A large part of the aro community is depressed and bitter, worrying about losing their friends, worrying about their future. While that’s absolutely valid, I’d already moved on from that when I was younger, when I accepted the fact that because I was autistic, I would have trouble connecting and staying connected to people. It’s disheartening, sure, but I’ve accepted it and moved past it, so seeing the aro community still hung up on it saddens me. I can’t really give advice because, well, their worries are legit and they just need to come to terms with it at their own pace, and I’m bad at comforting without advice, so I’m just kind of stuck listening to it. It drains me a lot, so I distance myself.

I feel like we, as a community, can do a lot to dismantle amatonormativity, but since we still haven’t figured out what it is exactly, and we’re still grieving over the way we’re impacted by it, we’re not getting anything done. I’m bad at connecting with communities when I don’t know how to contribute to them, so I don’t really interact with it. And outside of the internet, there seems to be no aro community at all (or at least I haven’t found it), so I feel very isolated.

Wow that got real dark real fast. Sorry for being such a downer, but I did feel like it needed to be said.

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?

…speaking of being a downer.

It’s well known that fandom isn’t a safe space for aro/ace people. It’s a very ship-centric place, to the point where it’s almost impossible to escape romance, and I hate it. I’m here because I like expanding on stories and characters and playing with established narratives, not because I want to see two people kiss. Because my wants and needs are different from most of the fandom, I tend to be isolated and unpopular, and while that’s mostly fine with me (it creates less drama), I really wish I had people to talk to.

As for being an original writer, I’ve already mentioned that I don’t post my work because I don’t have a platform. Now, granted, it’s rather difficult to create a platform as a writer, especially if you’re not that social and don’t know how to market yourself (hi), but I feel like being aro also helps to distance me. Romance is a rather large hook to any work of fiction in the publishing industry, to the point where some publishers will demand a romance subplot in your book. I write obscure things that I myself enjoy, and as a result, my stories aren’t very marketable. I doubt that I’ll ever get published, simply because I’m, well, weird.

I totally understand the publisher’s perspective of not wanting to pick up books or stories that simply won’t sell (and experience has told me that my stories will indeed never be popular), but it still saddens me. I could probably learn to write more popular stories, but I don’t want to do that, since writing for me really is about expressing myself (though I’m not judging anyone who writes popular stuff for money; we all need to eat).

So, to summarize, I’m not marketable or interesting either as a writer or as a fandom member to either communities, which isolates me, which sucks, but it also enables me to really stop giving a shit. Sounds weird, but once I figured out that I’m not gonna get published or be popular, I really felt free to do whatever I want. Because ultimately the only person that really likes my writing is me, I’ll make myself happy first and foremost. While this sounds kind of depressing, it’s actually motivated me to keep writing, and it stops me from getting too depressed or anxious when a story I post only gets a dozen or so kudos/notes, so I think that’s a positive thing. Because ultimately, to me, the most important thing about writing isn’t the community, it’s having fun and creating something new, and as long as I can do that, I’ll be happy.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

The obvious answer is read my stories and reblog/leave kudos/comment, which is also true for every other writer, but I feel like that’s ignoring the underlying reason romance-free stuff just doesn’t get popular. The reason my stuff is unpopular isn’t because of the aro community, but because of the alloro people being more numerous and not caring.

Instead, I’m going to say that I would be helped if the aro community started focusing more on what it means to be aro, expanding on the meaning of amatonormativity, and spreading the word to allo communities. Amatonormativity is something that hurts all of us, especially fellow LGBT+ members, and I think that once more people start to realize what it is and how it’s harmful, they would try to examine their own biases and help us dismantle it. That way, gen stories will get more popular in fandom spaces, and stories without a focus on romance will have more chance of thriving in the publishing industry. It’s not a foolproof plan, and maybe I’m just too optimistic about my fellow humans, but it’s worth a shot and better than doing nothing.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

I have several current projects! My ADHD always makes me bounce dozens of ideas around in my head and start even more works, but very few of them ever get finished. However! One story I’m fairly sure I’m getting finished is an original piece about a universe in which everyone needs to buy a heart on a necklace in order to feel love. It’s an old story that I’m reworking to contain less aromisia, since I was still rather ignorant when I wrote the first draft, but I think it has a lot of potential to examine love in its entirety, and I’m super excited about it!

The only thing I don’t like about it is the incredibly melodramatic writing style I’m using; unfortunately, my writing always seems to be needlessly dramatic and I cry every time I read it because I just hate it so much. Since this is a fairly serious piece, it’s even worse than usual. I’m toying with the idea of starting a humorous and light piece to offset it, probably about an aromantic witch and her familiar who con people into buying fake love potions.

And of course, my Coffeeshop Project is always ongoing!

The Coffeeshop Project is a project I started when I badly needed to de-stress. It’s been my go-to comfort project ever since, meaning that I try not to put pressure on myself over the quality of it, and that I don’t do any research specifically for the project (although I often incorporate research that I did for other things).

The Coffeeshop Project is a series of stand-alone short stories in the same universe centred around the shenanigans of the crew of Café Nowhere, a café with a supernatural clientele. (I’m afraid I have a soft spot for supernatural shops.)

The story I wrote for the aro prompt on this blog was actually part of it! It was set a couple of years prior to the current ‘canon’, and introduces Ethan, who is now 22 and is infamous for taking down an intergalactic smuggling ring. There are more crew members, but listing them would take forever, so if anyone is interested, feel free to just ask!

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to? 

I have several ideas about forthcoming works that may or may not get written, including the above, a role reversal AU for Fullmetal Alchemist (for which I have to research a lot about blindness, and since I hate research but don’t want to compromise on an accurate betrayal of disability, that might never get finished – I’m sorry y’all, but I’m doing this for free and only have so many spoons), an in-progress work for Batman about magic that I just cannot seem to pace correctly, a fic with a respectful portrayal of an autistic Black Manta as a passive-aggressive middle finger to DC comics, an analysis of FMA and/or Harry Potter from an aromantic perspective, etc. But with my ADHD and my gazillion ideas it’s always a 50/50 chance that something actually gets finished, so I don’t like to promise anything.

[squirenonny]

What was your favorite aspect of writing Ryou? What was your favorite hypothetical on that front?

I think, in all honesty, my favorite thing about writing Ryou is something that’s a little too big and a little too complicated to condense into a sentence or two, but I touched on it in Chapter 7 of The Monster in the Mirror. Hell, I named the chapter for it. In that chapter, Keith comes to talk to Ryou, and the changeling myth becomes a touchstone on which they begin to build a relationship that has nothing to do with Shiro. Keith (who’s autistic in that fic, as in all my fics) has always identified with the “fae child” in the changeling myth–the kid who doesn’t fit, who isn’t wanted, who’s missing something vital to humanity. It’s a feeling a lot of autistic people, myself included, have experienced at one point or another. So there’s Keith, all too familiar with trying to pass as something he’s not (neurotypical), and he sees Ryou, also trying to pass as someone he’s not (Shiro). Someone literally made to be a changeling.

And that sense of being an outsider is the one piece of Keith that Shiro has never totally been able to understand. It’s one solid, significant fact that Keith can hold up to Ryou and say, This is yours. Not Shiro’s. Yours.

Honestly? I’m already more than halfway to convinced that Ryou himself is autistic. This fandom is full of autistic headcanons, and I love it. As far as I’m concerned, Keith and Pidge are autistic. They just are. I’m very nearly to that point with Allura, too, and I think there’s a strong case to be made for atustic Coran. Hell, I’ve seen good arguments for autistic Lance and autistic Hunk, too, and while I don’t usually write them that way, I do write Lance as having ADHD (a “cousin” to autism) and Hunk as having (social/generalized) anxiety (which often coincides with autism.)

The one person on the castle-ship I’ve never been able to see as autistic is Shiro. He just… doesn’t have any of the traits that usually make me slam my hand down and say, There! That’s me! He understands people intuitively, he’s a master of tact and other norms of communication, he’s flexible/adaptable, there’s nothing about him that really screams “special interest” or “stimming”… I mean, if you’ve always headcanoned him as autistic, more power to you, but of all the reasons I love Shiro, seeing my autism reflected back at me has never been one of them.

Which is one of the reasons Shiro in season 3 stuck out to me. When he comes out in his new outfit and tries to fit back into the team, he just can’t. He tries. He says all the right words, does all the right things, and it just feels… off. It feels like me, when somebody decides that I should be in a leadership position, because that doesn’t come naturally to me.

(Sidebar: when the thought “autistic Kuron” first entered my head, I shoved it away, because autistic characters are already othered enough in their respective canons/fanons. I was wary of making the connection to the clone engineered by the enemy, not knowing how the fandom would react, not wanting it to turn into a sci fi version of the changeling myth. At its core, it’s the same reason I so violently rejected the Galra Keith theory back when it first started circulating. I was already firmly in camp autistic Keith and I didn’t want people coming in there and saying, “Oh, no, he’s just socially stunted because he’s an alien and doesn’t get human culture.” But the fandom, by and large, didn’t do that. Keith is Galra and autistic. Both. And the reason I’ve started to embrace autistic Kuron/Ryou is that the fandom hasn’t vilified him for being unable to pass. They’ve recognized that he’s struggling and that he needs the support of a family. And that’s… that’s really awesome, okay?)

And, now, look. I’m fairly set on the clone theory, primarily because of the etymology of Kuron in Operation Kuron (i.e. Kuron means clone–in Japanese of all languages. That cannot be a coincidence.) Shiro’s/Kuron’s behavior in season 3 is secondary to a theory I already hold, not proof in itself. I think there’s a lot of validity to the cautionary posts talking about how the changes in Shiro could be down to the fact that he’s jut been re-traumatized, pushed to his physical limits, and told to pull it together because his team needs him. But that’s not a case of either/or as far as I’m concerned. It’s both. It’s Shiro, an autistic who’s a social chameleon, who’s learned to pass incredibly well and has kept it up as a matter of routine, as a way to maintain some degree of control over a world that’s gone to shit. It’s Shiro, re-traumatized and no longer able to pass. It’s Shiro finally showing his autistic traits because he just does not have the spoons to hide them anymore.

tl;dr: The Shiro we saw in season 3 is autistic. Maybe he’s the real Shiro and simply can no longer pass as neurotypical because of the stress he’s under. Maybe it’s Kuron/Ryou and Haggar failed at replicating Shiro because Ryou is fundamentally a different person. She can make him look like Shiro, she can shove all of Shiro’s memories into his head, but autism is part of who he is, and no amount of magic can change that.