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pedrospatch · 6 months

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fall into temptation | three

Jackson! Joel Miller x Preacher’s Daughter Reader

series masterlist

summary: Of all the women to catch Joel Miller’s attention—it just had to be one of the goddamned preacher’s daughters.

warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI. SLIGHT PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF READER, mentions of her hair which she can put up into braids as well as her style of clothing. despite the nickname Joel gives her, it does not speak to her body type or size. AGE GAP (reader is in her 20’s and Joel is 56). several mentions of religion and religious symbols, reader has a father and two sisters, all who come with names, reader gets put into a a very uncomfortable situation, insecurity, anxiety, Seth is an asshole, protective Joel, he threatens to break someone’s jaw which is a warning in and of itself. SMUT. loss of virginity, reader is inexperienced but not totally clueless, oral (both m and f receiving), risky unprotected p in v sex (please wrap it up), lots of praise and pet names (baby, babygirl, honey, you know, the works), Joel gets a teensy bit rough, creampie, hint of aftercare, ends with a cliffhanger, but also not really if you think about it?

MOODBOARD FOR AESTHETIC PURPOSES ONLY, NO MENTION OF RACE OR BODY TYPE.

word count: 10k

a/n: it was not my intention to post this on jesus day, but here we are. this took forever and a day considering the second part was posted back in september, but i am so so proud of myself for finally completing a wip i could cry. i did a bulk of the editing while i’ve been sick and in all honesty i probably should have asked someone to beta for me because i think i coughed out like 90% of my brain cells this week, but i think it turned out okay. ish.

Somehow, even over the volume of the live music, you could still hear their hushed, astonished whispers.

“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Is that Joel Miller with Pastor John’s daughter?”

“What’s she doing holding his hand?”

“He’s got to be at least twice her fucking age—”

Throat bobbing anxiously, you glanced up at Joel.

His shoulders were squared back, his head held high.

Solid. Steady.

Joel couldn’t seem to care less about the bewildered stares, the judgment that was being flung his way. Not once did he seem to waver. But you?

Oh, you were already starting to crumble underneath it all, on the verge of falling apart right before everyone’s prying eyes. Shame sat heavily inside of your chest, the weight of the feeling suffocating you, making it harder and harder to breathe as it prevented air from reaching your lungs.

It had nothing to do with Joel. Of course it didn’t. It had all to do with you and with who you were. Their beloved preacher’s sweet, innocent young daughter.

His youngest daughter.

Suddenly, the whispers were no longer whispers.

“Oh God, she’s not going home with him, is she?”

“That’s not right! Someone should say something!”

“Pastor John would never allow something like this.”

“Poor thing’s naive—she doesn’t know any better.”

Hot, stubborn tears of frustration glazed over your eyes and threatened to spill. It was as if you were a child who didn’t know any better, a gullible, clueless little girl with nothing in her brain who needed to be rescued—saved from the bad, bad man before he did bad, bad things to her.

Had it been anyone else, no one would have batted an eye. No one would have noticed, let alone cared. But it was you that Joel Miller was leaving the bar with in the middle of the night and it was you whose hand he had clasped in his own. That is what made it wrong. That is why it was a problem.

Everyone’s concerns had nothing to do with him at all, they had everything to do with you. You, you, you. You were the sole reason why it was a problem, the reason why he was being perceived as the Devil himself, horns out as he dragged the poor little unsuspecting angel down to the fires of Hell.

“Joel?” Overwhelmed, you instinctively reached for his arm with your free hand. Cold and trembling, your little fingers curled tightly around his bicep, digging into the firm, bulging muscle through the thick corduroy fabric of his sleeve. You whispered his name again. “Joel—”

“S’alright, babygirl,” he reassured you quietly over his shoulder. He gave your hand a comforting squeeze. “S’alright. Just keep your eyes on me, sweetheart. I’ve got you. You just keep on lookin’ right at me, okay?”

Nodding, you inhaled deeply and focused on him. Only him. The broadness of his back and his shoulders. Tufts of hair that curled over the collar of his shirt. Only him. He’s what mattered. He’s all that mattered.

“Almost there,” Joel murmured, squeezing your hand again as the door came into view. “Breathe, baby. We’re almost there. I’ve got you. You’re alright. Ain’t gonna let anythin’ bad happen to you. Promise I’ve got you.”

It wasn’t until his fingers wrapped around the old, brass handle that you finally exhaled the breath you had been holding out in utter relief, though it was very, very short lived. Just as Joel pulled the door open, you felt a hand wrap around your arm. Dry, slender fingers dug into the soft flesh above your elbow as an attempt, and a feeble one at that, was made to tear you out of Joel’s grasp.

The music stopped and the bar fell silent. Everything and everyone came to a sudden standstill, freezing mid dance, mid drink, mid bite, mid gossip.

Shocked, you glanced over your shoulder. “Seth?” you squeaked his name. “What—what are you doing?”

Seth didn’t acknowledge you. His focus was on Joel.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Miller?”

Joel’s anger couldn’t be seen, but it could be felt. So palpable you could have wrapped your fingers around it. It radiated off of him and loomed over the entire bar like an incoming storm cloud. Threatening. Dangerous.

“Where are you taking her?” Seth demanded, his other hand curling around your wrist as he tried, but failed, to snatch you from Joel’s side once more. “Let the girl go! You let her go right now, you hear?”

Caught in between the two men, you nervously turned to look at Joel. Nostrils flared, jaw clenched, seething eyes that did the talking for him. His message was loud and oh so abundantly clear.

If Seth didn't take his hands off you, he wasn’t going to have any hands.

Not after Joel Miller was through with him.

Blazing heat flooded your face. As if it couldn’t possibly get any worse, everyone had now gathered around you to watch the tense encounter, eyes wide, brows raised and jaws practically on the weathered, hardwood floor.

Tommy Miller stood among the crowd, subtly shaking his head, his lips pressed together in a tight, thin line of disapproval as he glowered at his older brother. Would he be looking at Joel like that had it been Esther in your place? If she was the one he was taking home? Would any of this be happening if it was her instead of you?

“Seth.” Uttering his name, you shifted your attention back to him. You sounded calm and collected, despite feeling anything but. Joel’s hand in yours was the only thing keeping you steady and grounded. His touch was the only reason you hadn’t yet spiraled into a state of panic. Clearing your throat lightly, you spoke again and tried your hardest not to waver. “Please let go of me.”

Still fixed on Joel, he spat, “I’ll be damned if I let him take you anywhere.”

“He’s not taking me anywhere, Seth.” Without thinking, the words came tumbling out of your mouth—loud and clear for everyone in that room to hear. “He isn’t forcing me to go with him. I’m making the choice to leave with him. Out of my own volition. Please let go of me.”

Finally, Seth looked at you. His old, worn features were twisted in disbelief. “What?”

You swallowed dryly. Part of you wanted you to shrink away, curl into yourself. Instead, you straightened your posture, forced yourself to stand a little bit taller. Willed yourself to have a backbone for once in your life.

“You heard me,” you said, lifting your chin in defiance. Several onlookers gasped in surprise at your rebellion. Where had this insolence come from? “I’m choosing to leave with Joel. Now, please let go of my arm.”

Behind you, Joel stood silent and still.

Watching. Observing. Waiting.

He wanted nothing more than to intervene. Rip you out of Seth’s hands and shatter each and every last bone in all ten of his fingers for putting them on you. Had Joel not realized that this was probably the first time in your whole, entire life you’d mustered up the courage to use your voice, he would have easily given into the urge. He wanted to protect you. He needed so badly to protect you. Yet, he knew you weren’t helpless or incapable of standing on your own two feet. He knew you deserved the chance to stand up and speak for yourself after a lifetime of being silenced, a lifetime of being forced to stay in your place, seen but never heard.

“Seth, let go of my arm,” you repeated. It was no longer a polite request. It was a demand.

He scoffed. “Do you honestly think I’m going to let you leave with somebody like him? You think I’m just going to stand back and let him take advantage of you?”

Oh, you hadn’t liked that insinuation, not one bit.

It caused something inside of you to finally give way.

Snap.

The blood in your veins boiled, ran hot enough to make you feel like you were about to burn from the inside out. “Joel isn’t taking advantage of me! It isn’t like that,” you seethed, furiously. The quiet, well mannered, obedient good girl everyone in Jackson knew was gone. And she could stay gone. In your periphery, you could see Leah elbowing her way through the sea of people to the front of the crowd with an incredulous look plastered on her face. She stood there beside Tommy, who appeared to be just as incredibly bewildered by your outburst. “Don’t treat me like I’m some child who doesn’t know any better! I’m an adult and I’m old enough to make my own choices, okay?”

For a moment, you had forgotten it was Seth standing there in front of you.

“I’m capable of making my own decisions! I don’t need you to dictate my life. I don’t need you to tell me what is and isn’t good for me—controlling what I should and shouldn’t believe in.” Your voice trembled as emotions you’d been suppressing for years bubbled their way up to the surface. Amidst the chaos, you could feel Joel squeeze your hand again, as if silently encouraging you not to lose your nerve. He was your anchor, the only person who could keep your world from capsizing. You knew he wouldn’t let you drown. Not even God, who you had always been forced to believe was your pillar of strength, had ever made you feel this protected. Safe. “I don’t need you to tell me how to live and much less when it’s the end of the world.”

It wasn’t Seth you were addressing.

It was your father.

Your father, who controlled every last thing, from what you would eat to the way that you dressed and how you wore your hair.

Your father, who refused to let you have a mind of your own, who simply could not bear the mere thought of you thinking for yourself.

Your father, whose love felt like shackles, heavy, rusted metal restraints that had been digging into the flesh of your wrists for far, far too long.

“You need to let me go now,” you said, swallowing back the lump in your throat. Once more, you caught Leah from the corner of your eye, your heart lurching in your chest when you noticed her desperately trying to wipe at her eyes with the back of her hand. She was the only person in the room who understood how you felt. Her rebelliousness only ever masked the pain of knowing her father’s love came with terms and conditions—and the fear of knowing what would happen if those terms and conditions weren’t met. For several weeks, you’d gotten a taste of what she went through everyday, how her fear of putting her foot down led her to run around in secret and live a double life. “Just let me go.”

Seth firmly shook his head. “No! I’m not letting you go anywhere with him. I don’t know what the hell he did to you, but he’s clearly got you all fucking brainwashed.”

That was fucking enough. Joel stepped in, lowering his voice as he said, “Y’know, I’ve just ‘bout lost count of how many fuckin’ times she’s asked you to let her go now and it’s really startin’ to piss me off.” Raising an eyebrow, he laid his offer out on the table. “Here’s the deal. You let go of her right now and I won’t shatter your fuckin’ jaw into pieces. That seem fair enough to you?”

“No.” Seth gripped your arm even harder, prompting you to let out a little yelp as his nails dug painfully into your skin. Though it’d been accidental and he hadn’t meant to hurt you, it didn’t matter. He’d just set off the ticking time bomb that was Joel Miller.

Furious, Joel snatched a fistful of his shirt with his free hand—the other still held yours. Gentle, despite being mere moments away from beating someone to within an inch of their life.

“Joel! Stop!” Tommy’s voice broke through the tension as he approached. His footsteps were slow—careful and cautious, as if he was afraid to make any kind of sudden movement. “Joel. Hey. C’mon now, let’s not do this, alright? Ain’t gotta handle things this way. We can talk it through. No need for anyone to wind up bleedin’ in the fuckin’ infirmary tonight, so just take a breath and let him go.”

Blatantly ignoring Tommy’s attempt to keep the peace, Joel tugged Seth forward, yanking him closer. “Listen to me and listen to me good ‘cause I ain’t gonna fuckin’ say it again. You’d best take your fuckin’ hands off her right now unless you wanna spend the rest of the night sweepin’ up your teeth off the floor of your own fuckin’ bar,” he threatened, his tone enough to send a chill up anyone’s spine, even your own.

“You wouldn’t dare, Miller.” Somehow, Seth managed to keep a straight face, but you could see it so clearly in his eyes and in the tremble of his lower lip—oh, he was terrified of Joel and rightly so. “Not in front of all these people. Not in front of your brother. That wouldn’t be a smart move considering you’re already on thin fucking ice for what you did to that boy’s face, now would it?”

Joel tugged him closer. “Test me,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “Go on. Fuckin’ test me.”

His challenge was immediately met with a pathetic look of defeat. Seth dropped your arm and he was released.

“S’what I fuckin’ thought.” Without another word to the man, Joel whirled around and roughly pulled the door open, leading the way outside. As you both descended the building’s old, creaking wooden steps, you began to shiver and he suddenly remembered he’d left his jacket behind inside the bar. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders. “C’mere, my little dove,” he murmured as he tucked you against his side for warmth. “I’ve got you.”

The first thing he did was light the fireplace.

“Should start warmin’ you up, sweet girl,” he’d said to you over his shoulder. He tossed a log into the blaze as you sat perched on his couch rubbing your bare arms with your hands. “M’gonna go upstairs and find you a blanket, alright? You stay put.”

“Okay,” you’d mumbled, knowing there was no point in telling him not to fuss over you.

Even with the soft, fleece throw blanket he had draped around your shoulders and the warmth of the flames in front of you, you continued trembling. Subtle, but he’d noticed it, felt it when he had sat down beside you and pulled you close against his side. “Oh baby, you’re still shakin’?” That was when he realized you weren’t cold. Frowning, Joel rose to his feet and disappeared down the hallway. He came back to the living room a minute later with a glass of water in his hand. With a small, labored grunt, he dropped to one knee in front of you and held it out. “Here.”

“No, thank you.” You shook your head. “I’m not thirsty.”

“Maybe not, but I’m kinda worried you could be in a bit of shock, right now,” he stated, the creases in between his brows deepening as he observed you for any other physical signs of distress. Carefully, Joel lifted the glass to your lips, gently coaxing you to take a drink. “C’mon, darlin’. Think you can be a real good girl for me and at least take a couple sips? Hm?”

Sighing softly, you nodded and did as he asked of you, taking a small sip of water. It soothed your dry mouth and throat and you took another one. Maybe you were thirsty after all.

“Little more, now. Little more. That’s it. That’s my good girl.” Once he was satisfied with how much you’d had to drink, Joel set the half empty glass down on the oak coffee table behind him. He turned back to you, placing his large hands on either side of your thighs below the hem of your dress. He started tracing soft, soothing circles into your skin with his thumbs. “M’real proud of you for standin’ up for yourself back there, sweetheart. Took a whole lot of fuckin’ courage to do that, y’know.”

You glanced down at your hands in your lap. “Mhm.”

“Baby. Hey. Look at me.” One of his hands abandoned your leg and he reached up, delicately taking your chin between his thumb and index finger. He tilted your face upwards, his worried gaze meeting your own. “Talk to me. M’right here.”

“That—that was a lot,” you admitted meekly, shoulders sagging as the adrenaline started wearing off and your body slowly came down from the peak hormone rush. “It was a lot.”

Sighing, Joel’s hand fell away from your face. “Yeah, I know it was a lot, babygirl. I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“No.” You were quick to cut him off. “Don’t be sorry.”

His chest heaved with another sigh, this one deeper, heavier, bearing the weight of his guilt. “Well I am,” he said. He planted his hands on either side of you on the couch and lightly shook his head. “Didn’t even fuckin’ think twice when I pulled you outta that fuckin’ supply closet and took your hand in front of all those people. I was so fuckin’ hellbent on showin’ everybody you were mine that I didn’t even stop and think ‘bout what all it would mean for you. It was selfish of me. Real fuckin’ selfish. And I’m sorry, little dove.”

“Do you regret it?” you asked, quietly.

Joel chuckled in spite of himself. “M’pretty sure I’m the one who should be askin’ you that question, darlin’,” he remarked. “Tell me. Do you regret it? Do you regret me pullin’ you outta that closet?” He momentarily paused. There was a stutter in his heartbeat when you dropped your gaze away from his, silence your only reply. “Do you regret me takin’ your hand in front of everyone?”

Of course not.

You wanted to be his and you wanted everyone to know it. There was no regret, none.

Still.

The consequences that you would undoubtedly have to face in the morning were overwhelming. Daunting.

Surely, by then, your father would know about you and Joel. When he came downstairs right after sunrise and he discovered you weren’t in the kitchen helping Lydia prepare breakfast, he would question where you were and make some kind of remark about how you should not be sleeping in this late. He would tell her just how irresponsible it was for you to ignore your duties and obligations to him and the family. Sloth was one of the seven deadly sins, after all. He would make her trek upstairs and wake you, and when she did, your sister would find your bed empty.

Meanwhile, there would be a knock at the front door.

No stranger to having members of the congregation show up on his doorstep when they were in need, be it of prayer or comfort, your father would answer it only to find someone, not in need of solace, but who felt that it was their responsibility and moral obligation to inform him that they had seen his youngest daughter leaving The Tipsy Bison with Joel Miller in the middle of the night, hand in hand.

He wouldn’t believe them.

“Now, that is simply not true,” he would say, offended that anybody would have the nerve to show up at his door and accuse you of something so vile. “That’s not possible. I know my daughter and she would never do such a thing. It must have been someone else that you saw with him. Someone who looked like her, perhaps.”

Then, Lydia would descend the staircase and tell him you weren’t in your bedroom. “She must have gone up to the main street as soon as she woke up,” she would suggest with a shrug, not yet privy to the events that had taken place the night before at the party you and Leah had snuck off to. She never had to worry about you, the good one. “I did notice we were running pretty low on eggs. Sugar, too. She probably wanted to be the first in line at the pantry to—Papa? What’s the matter?”

The color would drain from your father’s face when the realization slowly sank in. No, you weren’t out on the main street picking up eggs for breakfast and sugar for his tea. You were lying up in Joel Miller’s bed—defiled, impure, and with the curse of Eve on your flesh. Even after dedicating his entire life to making sure you did not stray from the path of righteousness, he had failed. You had fallen into temptation.

There was a chance he would have mercy on you. All you had to do was beg and plead for his forgiveness—and more importantly, for the forgiveness of God. “Vow to atone for your sins,” your father would say, his gaze fixed on the Holy Bible in his lap. He probably wouldn’t be able to look at you, not after what you had done. “Repent. And swear to me, child, that you will never so much as glance in that man’s direction ever again.”

No. That’s not what you wanted.

You wanted Joel and the freedom to be with him.

But that freedom came with a high, high price.

You were willing to pay it, but you’d be lying if you said you were prepared to navigate the consequences. Then again, was there really any way for someone to prepare themselves to be shunned by their own father?

“I can take you home,” Joel offered quietly, the sound of his voice taking you out of the future and bringing you back into the present.

“What?”

“I can take you home,” he repeated himself. “I can take you home right now if that’s what you want, sweet girl. Won’t give you any kinda grief ‘bout it.”

Confused, all you could do was stare at him.

“Listen to me, baby. You mean a lot to me. More than I can even begin to explain,” Joel reassured you before any kind of doubt could find its way into your mind. “I want you to stay with me. There’s nothin’ on what’s left of this fuckin’ earth I want more than for you to stay here with me. But what you want matters to me a hell of a lot more than what I want.” He reached up, lightly stroking your cheek with his thumb. “If you decide you wanna go home and go back to your family—back to your old man—then that’s where I’ll take you. Okay?”

Your father would give you an ultimatum. But Joel? He was giving you a choice. And he’d respect that choice.

“I wanna free you from your cage, my little dove. But I think we both know you’ve gotta make the choice to fly outta there on your own.” He lightly swept his thumb over your quivering bottom lip, his eyes meeting yours as he whispered, “Door’s wide open for you. What you do next is all up to you.”

“I’m afraid, Joel,” you confessed. A tear slipped from the corner of your eye and rolled its way down the side of your face. He was quick to wipe it away, along with the others that followed. “I do want out of my cage. I really, really do. But I’m terrified. All I have ever known is my family and my faith. I have never been apart from my father and my sisters.”

His expression softened. “I know you’re scared. Can’t promise you things will be easy, but there is one thing I can promise you.”

“What’s that?” you questioned, then waited with baited breath.

He gingerly cupped your cheek in his large palm. “I’ve got you,” he swore to you, just like he had done so back at the bar. “If you decide to stay, I promise I’ll take real, real good care of you, alright? For the rest of my life, I’ll take care of you. You won’t ever have to worry ‘bout a thing with me by your side. Swear it on my life.”

Warmth blossomed in your heartspace and finally, you stopped trembling. Lifting a hand, you curled your fingers around his wrist as your gaze fell to his mouth. “Joel?”

“What is it, darlin’ girl?”

“Kiss me. Please.”

With a gentle nod, Joel’s other hand found your hip, the warmth of it seeping through the cotton fabric of your dress. Leaning in, he brushed his lips against yours. It was a chaste thing, soft and innocent until you grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him closer to you. “Babygirl,” he mumbled against your lips. He deepened the kiss, sweeping his tongue through your parted lips and into your mouth. He tasted like bold bourbon and citrus beer. There was a faint hint of tobacco too—you recalled him admitting to you one night in the church house that while he wasn’t all that much of a smoker, at least not like he used to be when living in the zones, he would occasionally partake in the habit if he happened to come across a pack of cigarettes while out on patrol, pairing the nicotine with a drink. He tasted delicious. He tasted delicious because he tasted like yours.

You sank back into the worn, supple brown leather of his couch, tugging him forward so he sank in with you. Over you. Releasing your near death grip on his collar, you managed to wedge your hands in between your bodies and began to claw furiously at the buttons of his shirt, your fingers shaking out of pure desperation to feel him. It wasn’t until you were halfway down that he finally noticed what you were doing and leaned back, catching both of your wrists.

“Baby, wait,” he panted, shaking his head. “Don’t think now’s a good time for that—”

“Joel, please,” you pleaded, the intense ache between your thighs almost too much for you to bear. “Please. I want it. I want you.”

“S’been a rough night for you.” Joel’s voice was hoarse—strained, like he was aching just as much, if not more. “You’re real emotional right now. Vulnerable. Last thing I want is to take advantage of you at a time like this.”

You frowned. Had Seth’s words gotten into his head?

“You’re not taking advantage of me.”

“Darlin’ I just don’t think we should—”

“Joel, please,” you begged him again. “I was so good for you, was I not? Wasn’t I patient, just like you asked me to be?”

His lips thinned into a tight line. He wouldn’t be able to resist much longer. You, his beautiful little temptress of Eden.

“I waited for so long,” you reminded him. “I’ve been so, so good for you. Please, just make me yours already. I don’t want to think about anything else right now. I just want to be with you. Please, Joel. I need you so badly it hurts.”

Christ.

No man could stand it. No man could possibly have the strength to deny you.

With a look of utter defeat, he folded. Before he could say another word or make another move, your greedy mouth was on his, and you kissed him with fervor, with urgency, as you finished the task of unbuttoning his shirt. Pushing it off of his shoulders, the corduroy fabric fell into a crumpled heap behind him, nearly knocking the glass of water off the coffee table. You broke away from him and shamelessly marveled at his mouth watering form—you admired the way miles of smooth, tanned skin stretched over his wide shoulders, broad chest and soft, soft belly. Arousal pooled between your legs and you reached out and raked your fingers down his chest, and over his stomach, going lower and lower, following the trail of coarse, dark hair that led you to his brown leather belt. You clumsily started fumbling with the brass buckle until he caught your hands once more.

“Slow down, my little dove,” he murmured. “No need to rush this. We’ve got all night.” He stood up and held his hand out to you. Time blurred a bit—maybe it was your nervousness mingled with the eager anticipation of what was to come, but there seemed to be a small gap in your memory, a blank space that spanned from the moment you rose off the couch until the moment you found yourself standing in his bedroom where you were about to answer to the call of the flesh.

Dropping your hand, Joel switched on the lamp on his bedside table and kicked off his boots before taking you into his arms. “C’mere, honey.” He nuzzled your cheek with the tip of his nose as he spoke, the scruff of his beard tickling your cheek. “Couple’a rules, sweet girl. I do somethin’ that you don’t like, you tell me. You want me to stop, you tell me to sto—”

Without waiting for him to finish his sentence, you slowly lowered yourself down onto the floor and knelt at his feet with purpose, as if kneeling before an altar, a sacred, holy space. Though you felt anxious, you were eager to worship. “I haven’t forgotten about what I said earlier tonight,” you cooed, noticing the mild look of surprise on his face. “I said I’d make it up to you and I intend on keeping my word.”

All the blood in his body rushed south to his cock and it strained painfully against the crotch of his jeans. “Baby, I—” Again, he was cut off, only this time by the sound of his own groan when your hand brushed up the front of his thigh and over his growing bulge. He glanced down, his heart thrumming painfully hard against his sternum as he watched you reach for his belt buckle.

With all your might, you willed your hands so as not to tremble. It was self-explanatory, what you were about to do, but your total lack of experience sowed seeds of doubt into your mind—you wanted to make him feel good, just like he had made you feel good outside of the church house during services. Just how you knew he would make you feel tonight.

Hand still over his buckle, you pressed the tenderest of kisses to his bulge through his jeans. Then, turning your head, you rested your cheek on one of his thick, blue denim clad thighs and peered up at him through your eyelashes with a small, nervous smile as you confessed what he already knew. “I’ve never done this before.”

Oh, how sweet and endearing you were. Joel reached down and smoothed your hair back and away from your face, tucking it behind your ear. “S’alright, honey,” he crooned, grazing the silkiness of your cheek with his index finger. “I’ll walk you through it. Teach you how to be a real good girl and suck my cock just the way I like it. That what you want, my little dove?”

His filth made your cunt clench hard around nothing.

Slowly lifting your head off of his thigh, you pulled your bottom lip between your teeth and managed a clear, consenting nod as your hands fumbled with his buckle, the clinking sound of metal ringing loudly in your ears. You undid the button on his jeans and pulled down his zipper, your throat drying when you saw the outline of him, his size intimidating even behind the cotton fabric of his faded, black boxer briefs.

With a harsh swallow, you glanced up at him, silently asking him for his permission to continue.

Such a polite little thing, Joel thought to himself. “Go on, sweetheart,” he encouraged.

You tugged his jeans down to the middle of his thighs and hooked your index fingers underneath the elastic waistband of his boxer briefs, pulling them down and freeing his cock. There was a deep, swooping sensation in your belly as you watched it slap up against the lower part of his abdomen. After many nights of sitting in his lap, feeling him through his clothes, grinding your cunt down onto him, you thought you’d at the very least had an idea of what you would be in for, but oh, how wrong you had been. He was so much bigger than you could have imagined, and your stomach swooped again when you realized he was not going to fit. Anywhere.

Licking away the dryness of your lips, you take him in one of your hands, feeling the heaviness of his length in your palm. He was so long and so, so thick.

“Oh fuck,” Joel hissed the curse through gritted teeth, his hips jerking forward involuntarily as your touch sent a charged jolt of electricity shooting up the length of his spine. He looked down at you, his pupils blown wide with arousal. Christ. You hadn’t even done anything to him yet, but seeing you sitting so prettily at his feet was almost enough to make him come on the spot.

Delicately wrapping your hand around him, you found yourself almost in awe at the way your fingertips barely, just barely, touched. The sheer size of his cock dwarfed your hand, and made it seem so much smaller than it really was.

“You’re so big,” you murmured, echoing your thoughts. You licked at your lips again, suddenly feeling ravenous, an appetite that had seemingly come out of nowhere making you salivate. The tip of him was flushed red, slit already glistening—how badly you wanted, needed a taste. Never, ever, did you think you would be down on your knees for anything but prayer, but there you were, starved and desperate to bite into the forbidden fruit.

“What’re you waitin’ for, darlin’ girl?” he croaked.

“Permission,” you replied, sweetly.

“Go right ahead, baby. S’all yours—I’m all yours.”

Yours.

Yours, yours, yours.

Finding your first push of courage, you leaned forward and so carefully swept your tongue along the tip of his length, collecting the slight saltiness leaking from the slit and getting your first delectable taste. With your hand still wrapped firmly around his base, you looked up, your eyes locked on Joel’s face as you flicked your tongue up against the rigid underside of his cock.

“Fuckin’ Christ,” Joel groaned, all of the muscles in his stomach already pulling taut when he felt you dragging your tongue in a slow, purposeful lick along the length of him. “Babygirl.”

“Is that good?” you asked him, sounding hopeful. “Am I doing good?”

“Doin’ so, so fuckin’ good for me, sweetheart. Look so fuckin’ pretty down on your knees for me.”

Pleased, you wrapped your mouth around the head of his length, pressing forward and taking him in as far as you possibly could—which, in all fairness, wasn’t very far. At least not as far as you would have liked. Another groan tore itself from the depths of his chest as your plush, plump lips sealed around him, your tongue warm and wet on the underside of his cock. Moving both of your hands to rest on the sides of his thighs, you began to move your head back and forth, following what felt most natural to you. The nerves you initially felt slowly but surely dissipated, vanishing one by one with every curse, every tremble, every sharp breath.

Joel resisted the urge to buck his hips forward, fought the desire to feel himself at the back of your throat. He needed to be gentle, so careful with such an innocent, pliant thing who had much, much to learn. “Sweet little fuckin’ mouth feels so good around my cock, baby, just like I fuckin’ knew it would. Y’think it can take more of me, little dove? Hm?”

You hummed, the vibration intensifying his pleasure.

“Yeah? Y’trust me?”

Your reply came in the form of a muffled, “Mhm.”

Joel reached down and cradled the back of your head in the palm of his hand. He carefully guided you further onto his throbbing length, slowly feeding you one inch at a time. Your fingers dug into the denim of his jeans. He was much more than a mouthful for you, and you could only take about half of him before he hit the back of your throat, prompting you to gag around him. Drool dribbled out from the corners of your mouth and down the sides your chin, dripping onto your lap.

“Oh fuck, sweetheart. Yeah, that’s it. Little more now, honey,” Joel encouraged. He bucked his hips forward, his head slipping further down your throat. Just when you felt like you were about to choke, he pulled out and you tried your hardest not to cough and sputter as you took in a much needed, precious breath of air. He gave you a few seconds or so to finish catching your breath as he shoved his jeans and boxer briefs further down his legs. He stepped out of the articles of clothing and kicked them somewhere off to the aside, standing before you completely bare. “Open up.”

Your absolute devotion to him bred sweet submission, so as worried as you were that you wouldn’t be able to handle it, you nodded obediently and very willingly did as you were told.

He guided himself right back into your waiting mouth, pressing deeply. You tried to relax your jaw, reminding yourself to breathe in and out through your nose. Tears streamed down the sides of your face as you did your best to forestall another gag. “Little bit more,” he said, thrusting his hips in a slow, steady controlled rhythm. He advanced even further into your mouth—trusting he wouldn’t suffocate you, nor push you too far past your limits, you opened up wider. He moaned, “Yeah, baby. That’s my good girl. That’s my good fuckin’ girl.”

With a bit of newfound confidence, you hollowed your cheeks and sucked him. You swiped your tongue along the thick, prominent vein on the underside of his cock, earning yourself more of his sweet, sweet praise.

“Fuck, yeah, suck me off, sweetheart. This pretty little mouth was fuckin’ made for sin,” he breathed, guiding your head back and forth with a firm, but gentle hand.

You moaned, the noise muffled around his length. Slick soaked through your panties and coated the insides of your thighs. With another moan, you tightly squeezed your legs together, inwardly reminding yourself that patience was a virtue.

Noticing the way you had shifted, Joel moved his hand from the back of your head, lightly curling his fingers around your jaw. He pulled you off of his cock, a loud, lewd popping sound bouncing off the sage green walls of his bedroom. “C’mere, baby.” He grabbed your arms, effortlessly hoisting you up to your feet.

“What’s wrong?” you questioned him worriedly. “Did I do something wrong?”

Chuckling softly, he brushed a finger along the strap of your dress. You could do no wrong, his perfect, perfect girl. “Of course not, sweet girl. You did so fuckin’ good for me,” Joel reassured you, lightly tracing along your collarbone with his finger and making your flesh erupt in goosebumps. He leaned forward and feathered a kiss onto your lips, murmuring against them, “Are you wet, little dove?”

Before you could even process the query and generate some kind of coherent response, he dove his opposite hand between your thighs, cupping your warm heat in his palm. At this, your weak knees buckled, prompting you to reach out and grab onto his arms to hold steady and keep yourself from falling into a helpless heap on the floor.

“Oh, honey. You’re soaked. That what sucking my cock does to you?” he cooed. He peppered another kiss, this one onto the corner of your mouth. His voice lowered another octave. “Poor little thing. She needs me, don’t she? Needs me to take care of her?”

You whimpered. “Yes.”

“Manners, babygirl,” he reminded you, skimming your cheek with his nose. “Yes, what?”

“Yes, please.”

Humming in approval, Joel withdrew his hand from in between your legs and guided you backwards towards his bed. “Sit,” he commanded gently, bidding you to let go of him. “Arms up.”

Reaching for the hem of your dress, he took great care in pulling it over your head, then discarded the vibrant yellow material over his shoulder, leaving you in nothing but your cowboy boots and thin, cotton white panties. Without a word, he knelt before you and pulled off one boot, and then the other, setting them both aside. He hooked two fingers underneath the elastic waistband of your underwear, coaxing you to lift your bottom off of the bed, just long enough for him to pull them down and slide them down your legs. He was so tender in the manner in which he undressed you.

“Fuckin’ beautiful, beautiful girl,” Joel praised. His dark gaze dragged down the length of your body as you sat before him wearing nothing but the delicate, gold chain around your neck. The holy cross nestled between your supple breasts gleamed in the light of the lamp on the nightstand. He would leave it on until your decision was made, set in stone. “My pretty little dove.”

“Joel.” You whimpered his name, hands curling around fistfuls of his dark blue sheets. You were drenched now, in dire need of some relief. If he didn’t touch you where you needed him most, you would surely lose your mind.

Desperate, you leaned back slightly onto his bed and parted your knees, your folds glistening as you showed him just how badly you needed him.

Joel groaned, almost visibly salivating at the sight. The blazing heat in his eyes sent ripples of desire coursing through your body, straight to your throbbing core.

You opened wider. “Please.”

“Christ, babygirl. Already soakin’ the sheets.” Sliding a finger up along the seam of your pussy, he grazed your clit, the touch light, but somehow still enough to make your hips arch off the mattress as white-hot pinpricks of pleasure danced their way up your spine. He lowered his head and leaned in, your sweet scent drawing him in like a moth to a flame. Just when you were about to start pleading him for more, he dipped his face into the apex of your thighs, his mouth finally, finally, meeting your wet heat.

“Oh!” you gasped, your head falling back. “Fuck!”

Against you, his lips curled upwards into a wicked grin. He’d never heard you curse before, not until now.

Joel took his time devouring you, savoring the essence of your cunt with each broad stroke of his tongue. Sealing his lips around your clit, he flicked the swollen, sensitive bundle of nerves over and over again, eliciting from you some of the sweetest noises that he had ever heard in his entire life. In preparation for what you both knew was to come, he pushed one finger inside of you, the invasion causing you to fist his sheets even harder. He then slipped in a second finger, groaning in sheer, carnal bliss at how your walls squeezed them, at the mere thought of them squeezing his cock in the same manner. How was it that you felt so much tighter this time around?

“Oh God.”

You shouldn’t be saying His name. Not like this.

Not when something this sinful was being done to you.

Hungrily, Joel lapped at you, curling both of his fingers in an upwards motion to hit the perfect spot. He knew you were close, felt it in the way that you squirmed and writhed. Draping his arm across your hips, he pinned them down onto the bed, holding you still as he chased your high as if it were his own.

“Joel,” you chanted his name over and over again in a fevered prayer. Releasing the sheets, your hands found his hair, tangling themselves in his curls. Your head fell back, and you cursed at the ceiling of his bedroom. “Fuck, fuck, fuck Joel—”

Pushing onto his mouth, you came, moaning his name so loudly you were certain the whole neighborhood was getting an earful.

Joel pulled back, his beard and mustache slicked with your spend. “S’right, honey,” he crooned, his digits still buried to the knuckle as he helped you to ride out your wave of ecstasy. Eventually, when he pulled them out, you tried closing your shaking legs. He tsked and shook his head, wrenching them open further. “No, no, baby. Keep those pretty thighs open for me. Wanna see her.” He admired his work, his cock twitching at the sight of your pussy, swollen and shining, and ready to take him.

Like earlier, there was another brief skip in time.

Mind still in a haze, you hadn’t even realized that he’d risen to his feet and guided you further up onto his bed, not until you were lying on your back with your head on his pillow and he was hovering over you, his hard length brushing against one of your messy, inner thighs when he settled himself between your legs.

Your heart began to pound in a mingle of both fear and excitement.

Joel’s eyes met yours. His pupils were blown so wide, there was not one, single trace of brown anywhere to be seen. “Y’absolutely sure about this, little dove?”

Your response came without hesitation. “Yes. I’m sure.”

He pressed a kiss to the underside of your jaw. Your submission was a gift, and he would cherish every last second of your surrender to him, savor it for as long as he possibly could. His lips, soft and warm, skimmed along the column of your throat, leaving a trail of fresh goosebumps in their wake.

If, by some chance, you decided that you wanted to go back to your father and to your faith, Joel didn’t know how he would find it in himself to let you go, not after this. Of course, he would have to let go, though.

The last thing he wanted was to help free you from one cage just to stick you right back into another. While he was no stranger to loss, he had to admit to himself that to lose you would be a knife to whatever was left of his heart.

Shoving the thought out of his mind, he reached down and gripped the base of his cock, pumping it in his fist before running the leaking head along your puffy lips, coating himself in your wetness with the hope it would ease some of the pain you were bound to feel. “Ready, babygirl?” he asked you, lightly teasing your entrance. “Might hurt a bit. M’gonna go slow. Just need you to relax for me, alright?”

“Okay.”

“I’ve got you,” he promised.

You nodded, saying softly, “I know.”

Though he knew he had all of your trust, Joel could still sense your anxiousness. He reached out for your hand, lacing your fingers together with his own as he gingerly pressed forward and eased himself into you, taking the very innocence you had been taught your entire life to preserve, one slow, careful inch at a time.

“Oh—Joel!” You cried loudly at the initial stretch, your pretty face scrunching in discomfort. Tightly slamming your eyes shut, sparks flew behind your eyelids when he finally bottomed out. The burning sting in between your thighs was too overwhelming, almost impossible to cope with. He felt so enormous within you, you could have sworn he was in your belly. Another broken cry fell from your lips and he swallowed it with a comforting kiss.

“Jesus Christ,” he hissed against your lips, a thin sheen of sweat coating his brow, neck, and chest. He wasn’t sure where he found the strength, but he suppressed his urge to thrust. Instead, he dropped his face into the hollow of your neck and waited, giving you the chance to adjust to him. He mumbled against your skin. “Doin’ so good for me, sweet girl. Y’know that? You’re doin’ so fuckin’ good for me.”

Even in discomfort, you preened at his praise.

He squeezed your hand, and after a minute, he gave an experimental thrust of his hips—and then another and another before he ceased his movement once again. He was so big and you were so deliciously full of him.

Eventually, the pain subsided, and you found yourself asking, no, begging for more. “Move.” Your other hand found itself cupping the side of his face, coaxing him to lift his head and allowing your gazes to meet. Your soft, plush thighs parted further to help accommodate the breadth of his hips. “Please, Joel. I need you to move—I need you to fuck me.”

Surely, you would be the death of him.

He drew his hips back with cautious, tender care, then advanced in the same manner to fill your precious cunt all over again. He did it over and over, your pleasured moans encouraging him to begin picking up the pace. He drove his cock in and out of your weeping pussy, the slapping of flesh against flesh, the lewd, wet squelch of you around him inspiring him to fuck you harder, faster. And the noises you were making?

There was something oh so beautiful about your cries, sweet raptures of submission as you laid there beneath him, all too graciously taking everything he had to give you like the good, good, good girl you were for him.

“Fuckin’ hell, sweetheart,” Joel rasped. “Look at you—look at the way you take my fuckin’ cock, honey.”

And you did.

Glancing down, your gaze fell between your bodies and you watched in awe, openly marveled at the way Joel slid in and out of your cunt, how he knocked hard so deeply inside of you, driving himself as far as he could possibly go.

“Fuck Joel, I’m gonna—” You tried warning him as the pressure in your belly neared its peak, but you tumbled over the edge before you even had the chance to finish your sentence. Arching up off off the bed, you pressed your chest against his, your fingers squeezing his own so hard you feared you might break them.

“That’s it babygirl, let go,” he grunted, speeding up his thrusts. “Squeeze my fuckin’ cock—just like that. Good girl. My perfect, perfect girl.”

You didn’t quite get the chance to let the praise sink in.

Joel pulled himself out of you, and with ease, he flipped you over onto your belly. His hands gripped your hips and pulled them up off the mattress, his fingers moving to firmly knead the fleshiest part of your ass. He leaned over you, the head of his cock nudging at your hole. “Y’think you can handle a little bit more, sweetheart?” he whispered the question into a tumble of messy hair, the delicate scent of the lavender shampoo you used to wash it filling his senses. “Answer me, little dove.”

“Yes,” you replied breathlessly with a nod. “I can.”

With a satisfied hum, Joel sank into you, this second stretch not quite as overwhelming at the first, but still intense. “Relax,” he murmured, hunching further over your quivering back. He pressed a kiss onto the top of your head and then leaned down to brace his hands on either side of you. “Need you to be sweet for me just a bit longer, okay, baby?”

“God,” you whimpered when the heaviness of his balls came to rest on your sensitive clit.

It was the second time you’d uttered His name.

Joel almost grinned at the irony. He found his rhythm, groaning in gut-deep satisfaction with each snap of his hips—each smooth stroke in and each smooth stroke out.

“Oh fuck, sweet girl.” Heaven was indeed a real place, and Joel Miller was buried in it to the hilt, right at this very moment.

He was getting closer and closer.

Maybe it was your eagerness to help him reach his own release mingled with the pride you knew you would feel once you did that gave you a second wind, a fresh, new burst of energy. You planted your hands firmly on his pillow. Rolling your bottom lip between your teeth, you curved your spine and pushed back onto Joel with purpose, meeting his thrusts halfway as you rode his aching length to the satiation that waited for him at the end.

“There’s my girl,” he rasped. “Oh fuckin’ Christ—”

No way he could live his life without you now.

He needed you.

He needed you so much more than you needed him.

Joel slipped an arm around your shoulders, across your chest.

“Oh!” you gasped as he then yanked you back, pulling you flush against him. The rough crash of your back against his chest, combined with the angle in which he was fucking you knocked the wind out of your lungs.

His lips were at the shell of your ear. “Stay,” he panted, his breath hot against your cheekbone. He wrapped his other hand lightly around your throat. Relentless, were his hips now—his movements had become frantic. Desperate. “Stay with me, baby.”

Even as you fought to catch your breath in the position he had you in, you picked up on the fact that he wasn’t asking you of it, nor was he demanding you of it.

He was begging you.

Him, the most feared man in this town. Begging you?

“Joel,” you choked.

“Please, my little dove,” he pleaded, turning your head towards him. His mouth was then on the corner of your own, his beard roughly scratching the soft and delicate flesh of your cheek. “I need you, babygirl. Stay with me. Please, just fuckin’ stay with me.”

Your hands curled around his wrists. “Yes, I’ll stay,” you moaned. “I’m yours, Joel. I’m all yours. I—I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’ll stay with you.”

A low, guttural sound rumbled through his chest. Joel firmly took hold of your cross, and without so much as a warning, he ripped the chain from around your neck and tossed it somewhere over his shoulder. He heard it land on the hardwood floor with the tiniest, faint clink the moment he spilled into you, ropes of warm release coating your fluttering walls. Curses and groans spilled from his lips and into your neck. Your cunt clutched at his pulsing cock, greedy for every last drop of his spend she could get.

Once you were filled, you both collapsed beside each other on the bed, heaving to catch a steady breath.

“Y’okay, sweetheart?” Joel managed to ask, his chest still rising and falling rapidly.

Exhausted, all you could do was nod and utter, “Mhm.”

He exhaled an amused huff through his nose. “C’mere.” He reached for you and pulled you against his side. He draped an arm around your shoulders, holding you as close to him as was possible. “Y’did so good, honey.”

Your mouth curled into a small, contented smile.

Several minutes had passed by, and despite telling him that you were too tired to even think about moving, Joel made you get up and use the bathroom, and while you did so, he ran a clean washcloth under warm water. “Here, darlin’. Let me clean you up,” he’d said, his lips meeting your forehead in a loving token of affection before he sank down onto one knee and ran the damp cloth along the insides of your thighs. He took extreme care when he wiped at your swollen folds, knowing you were still sensitive to the touch. “There we go. All done, now.”

Not long after, you were both back in his bed, wrapped up in his sheets.

Yawning, you nuzzled into bare his chest, your eyelids feeling heavier and heavier with each and every second that ticked by. You’d started drifting off when you heard his voice.

“Baby?”

“Hmm?” you answered sleepily, eyes still closed.

“Did you mean what you said?”

“Mean what, Joel?”

There was a brief pause. “Y’know, when you said you’d stay with me.”

Snuggling closer to him, you mumbled, “Mhm. Of course I did.”

“S’not gonna be easy,” Joel murmured into your hair.

“I know.” You yawned. “But I have you.”

“You do. You’ve got me—and I’ve got you, babygirl.”

“Mm. I know that too, Joel.”

You felt him kiss the top of your head and then fell fast asleep in his arms.

The sun bloomed over the Grand Tetons.

Your father would wake soon, that’s to say if he wasn’t up already.

The nerves began to set in.

Joel must have sensed it. “Breathe, baby. S’gonna be okay,” he soothed, squeezing your hand.

With one of his warmer, heavier jackets that normally didn’t see the light of day until winter season draped around your shoulders, the two of you made your way down the road and towards your house. Or better said, towards your father’s house. Because after what you were about to do, that yellow and white cottage would no longer be a place you could call home.

He led you up to the porch. “Y’sure you don’t want me to go in there with you?” he asked, quietly.

You could have laughed. You almost did.

“Do you believe that to be a wise choice?”

“No, I reckon it ain’t the best idea,” Joel admitted with a sigh, raking his free hand through his unkempt, salt and pepper hair. He looked up at the house, then back at you. “Look, little dove. No matter what happens in there, just know that everythin’ will be alright. M’gonna take care of you. For the rest of my life, I’ll take care of you. I’ll try my hardest to be everythin’ you need.”

“You already are, Joel,” you said, your gaze earnest.

His chest swelled with warmth.

Truth be told, Joel didn’t know how he had managed to defy the odds—how he, of all people, had managed to make his way into that sweet, innocent, beautiful little heart of yours, but somehow he did, and he would not take this responsibility lightly.

He brushed your lips with his and promised, “Gonna be waitin’ right here, okay?”

“Okay.” Inhaling deeply, you willed yourself to let go of his hand and took a step back. You then started up the porch steps on wobbling legs. When you made it to the top, you glanced over your shoulder at Joel, who gave you a subtle nod of encouragement. Exhaling slowly, you reached for the knob with trembling fingers and turned it, opening the door. You stepped inside, your heart dropping into your stomach when you saw your father sitting there at the foot of the staircase, as if he’d been waiting for you. He had been waiting for you. Fully dressed, he sat on the second to last step with both hands folded on his bible in his lap, a rosary clutched between them. “Papa?”

He said nothing. Instead, he silently observed you—his eyes glazed over the men’s jacket and the short dress you wore underneath it, the disheveled, loose hair and kiss swollen lips. Your holy cross nowhere to be seen.

“Papa.” You swallowed harshly and shifted your weight anxiously from the heel of one boot to the other. “We, um—we really need to have a talk.”

He peered around you, catching a brief glimpse of the man standing outside, waiting for you at the foot of the porch.

He cleared his throat, lightly. “Yes, child. I suppose that we do.”

Nodding tightly, you turned around and slowly closed the door. Joel’s words rang in your mind over and over, giving you the push of strength you knew you would need.

I’ve got you.

divider credit goes to @saradika 🤍

#fic: fall into temptation #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x afab!reader #joel miller x you #joel miller smut #joel miller series #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller angst #the last of us fic #the last of us fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #post outbreak joel

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tarotenchantress · 3 months

Text

Astro observations ptVI.

"I didn't do anything🐈‍⬛️"

DO NOT PLAGIARISE MY WORK🚫

All these observations are based on my personal observations

By tarot enchantress🧚🏻‍♀️

The following observations are on those placements that may indicate being falsely accused or being looked at with suspicion and mistrust, that may make a person feel as if others only view them as a scape goat.

🐈‍⬛️ saturn aspecting ascendant, saturn in 10th house, saturn aspecting 10th house, saturn aspecting mc, saturn in 7th house, aspecting 7th house, saturn aspecting sun, capricorn rising. Capricorn sun, in capricorn, capricorn degrees, in 11th house, aspecting 11th house

Saturn makes a person work hard for appreciation like even the most basic thing like aknowledgement seems like a task for saturnian placements. These placements might make a person prone to being accused of trying to "take over" work and their boss's positions, they may be viewed as sinister social climbers who are selfish and dont care much about others feelings. They may be prone to being used as a scapegoat as they tend to for most parts, demonstrate a submissive attitude towards those in authority and are scared of having their reputation being ruined which may mean that their coworkers may make them the scapegoat to escape work or make them do most of the work. Another manifestation could be that when young, saturnian placements may be lazy and rebellious which may mean that others would use then and blame them for the failure of any work. People also tend to wait on these placements to fuck up. GOAT for a reason tho🐐 they may also be (esp women) accused of being gold diggers and only going after status and position. In their romantic relationships, they may be accused of being too robotic or practical and may be criticised alot by their partners. Adv for this placement is to be choosy with partners and dont worry about lazy twats who fuck their own pillow and then sleep on it bother you💗💗 oh and the children may be loners even adults. The boss's may be very critical of these placements too and harder or harsher with them which in the long run also makes them stronger which is required for authority. Most od the time end up in authoratative positions and face envy and criticism.

🐈‍⬛️ saturn in cancer, aspecting 4th house, in 4th house, in cancer degreez, aspecting moon, moon in capricorn, in capricorn degrees

The black goat of the family. Normally feels distant with family and may feel excluded for most parts. May feel misunderstood and family may not aknowledge their hardwork or achievements. They may also be called words like selfish from a very young age and face criticism and control from their parents especially mother figures or feminine figures. Another loner placement as they may feel emotionally misunderstood or lost. Also may feel as if they have to bear the burden of thier family problems that can be generational too. May be the least favoured child of the family. Scolded the most too and disciplines the most too. May be given chores to do from a very early age. Mayhavebeen told that life is not fair from a very early age.

I have saturn in cancer and saturn conjunct my moon and i have always felt like i had to hide my feelings to be the bigger one in the house and look after everyone.

🐈‍⬛️ uranus rising, in 10 th house, aquarius rising, aquarius sun, aqua in 4th house, in 11th house, asoecting 11th house

Similar effects as the saturn points. Uranus tends to make a person unique but also odd one out may make a person feel as if they just dont fit anywhere and people dont understand them. May also feel as if people make fun of them or view them as an object of entertainment and wonder and mocjery at times. People may also regard them as the "weird" one and use them as a scapegoat in social setting. Like it may happen that mostly your friends may start making fun of you or mocking you in social settings just to "make things lighter". Make you the butt of the jokes. You may feel as if you just dont fit in a specific group. Like ik aqua is associated with groups, community and all but i also feel as if people with these placements tend to feel invisible here and there. Neglected even. Also, you may feel that youre surrounded by ungrateful people.

🐈‍⬛️pluto in 10th house, 1st house, aspecting 10th house, aspecting ascendant, aspecting 1st house, in capricorn degrees,in aquarius degrees, aspecting sun pluto in 3rd house, 11th house., in virgo degrees, gemini degrees, in 7th house, in libra degrees, in libra.

These placements attract alot of attention and obsession from the public. You may not even know about it but you do. You could consider tourself the most boring person. But you attract attention. Sometimes it is overt and sometimes it is secretive. You may feel abandoned by people in general. People may envy you criticise everything you do, pass snarky comments, act fake with you or act egoistic with you, gossip about you, they nay approach you only to gain popularity and to say that they associate with you. They may criticise your career, work ethics, dreams, goal, ambitions, and they may even befriend you just to know your secrets, turn around on you, backstab you and steal what belongs to you. May even try to "humble" you down. You may be sexualised alot and swear alot too. You may try to avoid attention for most parts and may be considered bitchy. They may accuse you of seducing their partners or random men, being attention seeking, being a whore, sleeping your way to the top. Classic slut shaming placement. Oh you may also be excluded because your romantic associations like ppl may demonise you for it and also be obsessed with your partners. also your partners may accuse you of cheating. Also people may spread romours about you.control issues can be seen. People may try to control you and once you stop giving in, thye shun you and accuse you.

I have pluto in 3rd house and as a child i was accused of being a liar and was constantly made fun of and used as the butt of the jokes even by parents.

🐈‍⬛️ chiron aspecting saturn, 11th house, 10th house, sun, in 3rd house, in gemini, in virgo, in gemini or virgo degree, aspects to asc, mc, in 1st house, cap degrees, in cap, aqua degrees, in aqua.

Chiron shows where our deepest pain lies. You may feel like youve been rejected by the people around you time and again. You could have been excluded from groups or msy have felt as if people in groups dont care about you. Your reputation may have taken a hit due to your friends and they may hurt you or accuse of doing things that youve not done. Thye may try to use you as a scapegoat to exclude you from socisl settings or more "fun" things. They may even make you do alot of work in the name of friendship and become extremely ungrateful towards you. Usually rejected and used as a scapegoat because of your goal, ambitions, intellect, uniqueness, work ethics, association with authoratative figures and success.

🐈‍⬛️ mercury ruled folks. Gemini sun, moon, asc, mc, in gem degrees, virgo sun, moon, asc, mc, in virgo degrees, 6th house placements, 3rd house placements, aspecting chiron.

Mercury governs communication, 3rd house governs neighborhood, school, early education, virgo and 6th house rule service orientation.

These placements may want to be a part of a community and be "useful" to the people around them but heres the thing, they may often be accused of lying [esp gemini and 3rd house] may be accused of being double faced and tricksters, flirts and mentally unstable. Virgo placements and 6th house placments are more service oriented and prefer to help and be useful to the people around them but they may be accused of being nags and jealous. They may be accused of again, stealing work, being strict and jealous, idk why i heard sometjing related to purity and "better than thou" maybe some of yall are getting accused of that too. People may use you as a scapegoat by taking credit of your work, making you work harder taking advantage od your shy and friendly nature and of your non confrontational nature. You may feel as if people just mock you, or ignore you and try to take credit of your work and soread rumours about you. Also people may call you stupid, or thing you have some mental ailment and if you do, they may pick on it and mock you

🐈‍⬛️mars in 10th house, 1st house, aspecting 10th house, aspecting ascendant, aspecting 1st house, in capricorn degrees,in aquarius degrees, aspecting sun pluto in 3rd house, 11th house., in virgo degrees, gemini degrees, in 7th house, in libra degrees, in libra, in aries, sun in aries, moon in aries, in aries degrees [sun moon, asc, mc]

This placements may trigger people to compete with you. They may accuse you of being too dominating, may accuse you of being gostile, aggressive and may even try to act like that towards you. They may try to act authoratative towards you. They may get easiy irritated with you and pick on your body alot or your stamina and leadership qualities. They may try to use you as a scapegoat by painting you as a non cooperative person who is always trying to dominate others and is temperamental and aggressive. Also your Nger could be like a fuel for others, they may constantly try to pick on it to make you look crazy and feel entertained and to gossip.

I have mars in 7th house and i have always felt that people only try to test my temper because they are bored and because it gives them an adrenaline rush.

🐈‍⬛️lilith in 10th house, 1st house, aspecting 10th house, aspecting ascendant, aspecting 1st house, in capricorn degrees,in aquarius degrees, aspecting sun pluto in 3rd house, 11th house., in virgo degrees, gemini degrees, in 7th house, in libra degrees, in libra.

Same effects as pluto but make it even more intense and add an effect of being shamed and bickered with repeatedly. People may try to control you and mold you. Being shunned. Also add an effect of increase in being sexualised

🐈‍⬛️neptune in 10th house, 1st house, aspecting 10th house, aspecting ascendant, aspecting 1st house, in capricorn degrees,in aquarius degrees, aspecting sun pluto in 3rd house, 11th house., in virgo degrees, gemini degrees, in 7th house, in libra degrees, in libra, in 12th house, in pisces.

Neptune tends to create a haze and confusion where ever it sits. This means thar people may not trust you immediately. Some may accuse you of playing dumb, may accuse you of being coniving. Accusations of being a wolf in sheeps clothing. You may be used as a scapegoat by people because they might think youre too stupid or you play dum, are too sleepy or lazy and have hidden agendas. They may also target your memory alot. Accuse you of being forgetful and may try to gaslight you.

#astro community #astro observations #astrology #astro notes #aquarius #degree theory #3rd house #capricorn #gemini #neptune in the houses #lilith in the houses #5th house

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crazyk-imagine · 1 year

Text

Napping and Defending Friends

Pairing: Sanji x Straw hat!reader

Characters: Straw hat!reader, Sanji, Usopp, Zoro, Nami, Monkey D. Luffy, Kaya

Warnings: Sanji being sanji, everyone outing reader or sanji to the other, this is kinda cute, fluff, everyone is nosey as hell, everyone is tired of Sanji and reader going around one another's feelings, the last few lines with the crew make me giggle, reader is (not so secretly) a pirate with her own bounty 0-0

Word Count: 2,688

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You roll your eyes, listening to the two acting like children. You bump the green haired man to the side with your hip. "Shut up already. You two are acting immature for your age." You lift your plate. "I'll take more."

Sanji shakes his head to the left, moving his bangs away from his eye. He lifts the ladle, giving you a decent portion. "And I'll gladly feed those who enjoy my food."

Zoro rolls his eyes, leaving you two to flirt some more.

The sound of Usopp's voice explaining what happened drew you all in, moving closer to listen to him.

You stop mid bite to listen. "I would ask to see his supposedly bloody fingers," you shrug. "But, whatever."

"Let him have his moment," Nami mutters.

"But it's more fun to get him stuttering if I make him tell the truth. It's very easy to break him into confessing."

"And I couldn't do it alone."

"Damn right you couldn't," you tell him, earning a chuckle from the group and your crew.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Let's hear it for the great captain Usopp," Luffy shouts.

Your lips tug to the side, "that's so not going to give him an ego boost."

Sanji chuckles, covering his mouth with his hand when Nami and Zoro turn to face him.

His eyes glance at you from the corner of his eyes and smiles, his heart races and stomach flutters at the sight of you (not so gracefully) scarfing down the food he cooked.

The calm mood falls when Luffy's grandpa announces he and the marine’s arrival.

"Hey, gramps."

He narrows his eyes at you, never quite taking a liking to you like his grandson did.

Although, he did find comfort in the fact that the rubber man had someone to help and guide him (which is why he disliked you). It also didn't help that you would feed into his "becoming the future king of the pirates" dream.

Before you know it, the two family members are in battle.

Your anger gets the better of you and you forget what you've been proud to consider a usable future trait, think before doing. "Don't hurt, Luffy."

As your friend flies back, you manage to latch onto the man, his head between your hands with just a mere few inches keeping his spinal cord intact.

His nails scratch the top of your hands, the adrenaline keeping you from feeling the pain.

You try to slip your feet underneath his armpits to pull his arms back and away from you.

"Stop it," Luffy mutters, still trying to get air into his lungs.

"Huh?"

"Let go of him."

"But he-"

"This is my fight."

You grumble under your breath as you push yourself off him and if your foot accidentally finds its way into his back, oh well.

The old man grumbles the pain.

You glare at his grandpa during their fight, never letting your tense posture go.

Sanji's hand hovers over your shoulder, he hesitates to give you some sort or comfort; his hand falls beside him as the orange haired girl takes a step-in front of you, preventing you from slipping past them.

"This was all a test?"

"Go. Arlong's pirates are still on the island."

You scoff. "Now you don't want to be a dick."

The chef coughs to hide his amusement.

"Shut up."

"You can't tell me what to do Roro Zoro."

"I told you not to call me that."

You stick your tongue out at him.

"Children, I'm dealing with children," Nami mutters.

Sanji shoves his hands into his pockets.

You sit across from the stove, observing the chef's knife skills.

"The harder you stare, the more likely he is to mess up," a deep voice brings you out of your thoughts.

"Do you want to try and do it?" You ask, resting your hand on your knuckles.

"You can't match his skill."

"You are too kind, madame."

"It's true. I still don't even know how you can do this, and I've been watching you prepare the vegetables for a while." You steal a chopped veggie and snack on it when the rubber man bursts in, setting a piece of paper on the counter.

"You finally got your own poster."

"Yeah, no more piggybacking off you."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing, look at the amount of berry's your wanted for."

"I know."

"Everyone's going to be after you now," Zoro tells him.

"Every bounty hunter is going to be after all of us in the East Blue," Nami adds.

"Finally, a challenge."

The orange haired girl shakes her head at you.

"Then it's a good thing we're not staying in the East Blue," Luffy explains.

You clap once. "Finally, you make sense. Let's go."

"Yes!" Luffy raises his hand for a high five which you gladly give to him.

"Come on, people. We're settin' sail. Move it."

"Have you seen a barrel on deck?"

Your brows knit together. "Sanji, did you find a plant you shouldn't have?"

"No, I-" He chuckles, "no, no. I just- I have an idea." He calls for the others and everyone gathers around. He sets his foot on top of the barrel. "I am gonna find the all blue."

Next, naturally was your oldest friend, "I'm gonna become king of the pirates."

Zoro puts his foot up. "I'm gonna become the world's greatest swordsman."

And then, Nami. "I'm gonna draw a map of the world."

Followed by Usopp. He hesitates, unsure of what his promise should be. "I'm gonna be a brave warrior of the sea."

Now everyone's eyes fall on you. "Oh, it's my turn. Uh- I don't know what to say. I feel like I've gotten things I didn't know I needed."

"There has to be something," Luffy says.

You lift your leg, "I'm gonna promise never to forget who I am."

"That's too easy."

A faux chuckle escapes you. "It's easy to forget who you were and your code," you tell Luffy.

"Alright."

"I like it," Sanji says.

"Thank you. See I knew someone would." You stick your tongue out at the rubber man. "That's enough. I'm going back inside. I need a nap."

"I can get started preparing tonight's dinner." He basically skips after you.

"I hope they figure out whatever they have going on soon," Usopp shakes his head. "It's getting really..."

"Annoying," Zoro adds.

"It's not- it could be worse."

"How much worse than two people going around their feelings for one another." Nami raises a brow causing the storyteller to look away because he did the exact same thing with Kaya.

"That's not what we're talking about right now." The man pouts and walks inside, not wanting to be outed anymore.

"Has anyone else noticed how easily he follows her after she hugged him."

"Yeah," Luffy nods, agreeing with the storyteller. "Wait- what hug? They hugged and I missed it. Oh man."

Nami shakes her head, "is that what you're really focusing on right now?"

"Yes. I think he'd be good for her."

"You do?"

"Clearly he hit his head too hard during that fight with his grandpa," Zoro adds.

"We probably should've checked to see if he had a concussion before boarding," Nami says.

"Why are you guys talking like I'm not even here?"

The three shared a look and chuckled.

"C'mon, guys. Tell me, please?"

You wake up from your nap to the smell of well-cooked food. You're still pleased Sanji decided to join the crew, it was time there was someone (else) who could prepare a nicely cooked meal and not burn eggs or not know how to cut a vegetable.

You lean against the doorway, enjoying the pleasant aroma of food coming from a few feet away.

"You're awake."

You open your eyes, not realizing you closed them. "Yes, I was persuaded to get out of bed because of what you're cooking."

"Is that the only reason?" He teases.

"Ask me again after I've finished my meal."

"Will you have a different answer?"

"Maybe."

He glances up from the ingredients he's mixing as the corner of his lips tugs upwards.

"In the meantime, I'll be over here with my eyes closed."

"Napping again?"

"No, just resting my eyes."

"If that's what you say, then I believe you."

"Is anyone going to wake her up?" Luffy asks, munching on his meal.

"Why can't you do it?" Nami asks, "she's your friend."

"And?"

"What are you all babbling on about?"

"They're trying to wake her," Zoro uses his head to gesture to your sleeping figure.

"Are you all so scared to wake such," Sanji glances down at your relaxed face, "a beautiful creature?"

Usopp groans, taking another bite of his meal. "Do something already."

The chef places hands on your shoulders, lightly shaking you until he finds himself staring at the ceiling, gasping to get the air back into his lungs.

Your face comes into view. "What were you doing?" You push yourself off him.

He groans when you pull him up.

"Waking you," he groans. "I see why no one wakes you now."

"I said, I was sorry," you mumble.

"And that's why we leave her alone," Zoro tells him.

"Shut up, make fun of Luffy or Usopp's love for food and Kaya."

"Woah, woah. Don't drag me into this. I did nothing." The storyteller raises his hands, dropping the meat he had in his hands.

"You all are going to get brought into this."

"I'm just gonna-" Usopp runs around to the other side of the counter.

You chase after him, he counters going around; eventually you stop following him and jump up on the counter and launch yourself in his direction. But are unable to catch- "You're such a bug. I am this close to squashing you under my foot."

"Your fingers are touching," Nami points out.

"Exactly, orangie," you smile at her. "Can you put me down now?"

"Are you going to continue acting like a child in my kitchen?"

"That depends on the bug."

"She's not, hold her so I can finish my-" Usopp yelps when you reach out for him.

"Stop trying to attack your fellow crew members." Luffy orders you, food flying out of his mouth.

"How did you ever deal with him?" Sanji mumbles, unable to keep himself away from you, "he has no manners."

"I don't know." You shrug, taking a bite of the dinner he prepared (as he stands beside you, leaning against the counter). You moan as the flavors hit your tongue. "Again, I'm very," you pat his arm unable to open your eyes due to the richness of the seasonings hitting your tongue. "Very happy you decided to come aboard."

He chuckles, not at all trying to hide that his cheeks are enflamed from anyone. "I am happy to hear that, mademoiselle. That is what every chef lives to hear."

"But you're not every chef."

Nami groans, closing her eyes at the sudden headache. "Can you two stop flirting for two seconds so we can eat in peace?"

You open your eyes and stare. "If you don't like it, then leave. We are enjoying ourselves and if you don't like it, then shut up."

"But-"

You stick your tongue out and shove another spoonful into your mouth. She sighs and doesn't say anything else. "That's what I thought."

"Could you say that again?" The blond asks, breaking the silence.

"Which part?"

"The part where you don't deny us flirting with one another."

"Oh, yeah." You don't know what else to do and use your spoon to move around the carrots on your plate, not entirely focused.

On the one hand this could be good, and you'd be able to confess. Although on the other hand, he could reject you and that can potentially lead to some awkwardness between you, him, and the rest of the crew. And in the case, he tells you he doesn’t feel the same, you will respect his wishes.

Is this a risk you're willing to take?

You take a deep breath. "I won't because it's true."

The others don't know what to do, this is not what they were expecting after they just started to return on their adventure for the grand line.

His breath hitches, "oh?"

You nod. "It's hard to deny the facts when they're right in front of you. Plus, these guys would make sure to do something about it at some point."

"What?"

"No," Usopp and Luffy scoff, as if they're offended.

"Okay, maybe but only because we know you two are good for each other," the rubber man argues.

"See," you use your utensil to point at the two. "They'd definitely be the first to try and plan something for us."

"Appreciate the thought boys, but I am capable of taking things into my own hands." He wraps an arm around your shoulders, leading you outside.

"Are you sure it's safe to leave them alone? I think we should go back."

He tilts his head, the corner of his lips tugged upwards. "Are you, dare I ask, afraid to be alone with me?"

You scoff, "hardly."

"Then why don't you admit it?"

"Admit what?"

"That you like me."

You roll your eyes, "you're crazy."

"Am I? Or is that maybe you don't want to admit it fully to yourself because you were perfectly fine admitting that we were flirting, so what makes this so different?"

"Okay, fine." You walk back and forth along the deck. "Maybe, I do."

"I'm going to need more than that."

You stomp your foot and speed walk to him. "I am not going to repeat myself for the sake of you just wanting me to repeat myself because-"

You barely have any time to acknowledge the kiss until his breath fans against your lips. "I figured I'd save you this time."

You frown. "This doesn't make up for when I saved you and Usopp at the Baratie."

He nods, "I know." He glances from one eye to the other, "this does." And he does it again.

You put a hand on his chest, pulling away this time. "We have an audience."

"What?"

"To your left."

He glances over at them and back at you, a hint of mischief twinkling. "Let's give them a show."

"Wha-"

He presses his hand against your back, cupping the base of your neck as he tips you down.

Usopp and Luffy cheer as Nami and Zoro give looks of disapproval (even though they're happy you two did something about your feelings).

"Okay, that's enough. We get it, you two are together and you knew we were here."

The blond pulls back and smirks down at your flushed face, winking when you catch his gaze. "We didn't know you were there, forgive us."

You owlishly blink, not at all focusing on everything going on around you. You return your attention onto him, feeling his thumb brushing against your side since your shirt had risen from his show.

"Are you alright?"

You nod, "I'm fine."

"Are you? I feel as though you are not. I shouldn't have done that, shouldn't I?" He shakes his head at his behavior. "I know, I know. I'm sorry but I- I was excited."

You gently remove his hand from you before stomping past Zoro (who puts his foot out to trip the chef).

"What? What did I do?"

You groan and spin around. "You make it so hard to be mad at you."

All the worry leaves his body. He happily chases after you. "What can I do to make it less hard on you? Not be as cute, perhaps."

Nami nods, "I'm gonna go puke now."

"Ah, come on. They're not that bad."

The echoes of Sanji's voice playing coy can be heard out onto the deck.

"It's cute," Luffy shrugs.

"They won't be as cute when he has to wake her up," Zoro adds.

"Oh, that's a good idea," Usopp nods. "Make him the target."

Nami covers her face with her hand. "You're an idiot."

"What?"

"Stupid says what," Zoro mumbles.

"What?"

"I rest my case," the orange haired girl adds.

Return to: Part I

2K notes · View notes

boyfhee · 1 year

Text

FAIR AND SQUARE › lhs

SYNOPSIS › one thing about life— it's unpredictable. for example, you made a note to yourself about not associating too much with heeseung for your own peace of mind, letting him stay as the academic rival slash classmate that he is, instead of allowing him to be something more, except one thing leads to another and you find yourself face to face with the said man with your feelings all over the place. a lowkey confession leading to a mere competition, let the game begin.

WORD COUNT › 20.2k

GENRE › academic rivals / friends to lovers, mutual pinning because they're just competitive and oblivious ft in denial, fem reader, quite the 'he fell first but she fell harder' thing eye guess . . .

WARNINGS › mentions drinking, sheds light on family issues ( mostly on the reader's side ) bruise and injury, slightest of angst, arguments, suggestive ( fourth section, towards the end ) profanities, let me know if you spot more

PLAYLIST › tune in for a better experience

NOTE › i love this fic with all my heart and lungs, even more. anyway, i'm sorry to academic rivals fans, this doesn't have academic blood and gore, as quoted by my dear mai. SPEAKING OF MAI EVERYONE THANK @maiverie FOR BETAREADING THIS FIC!!!!!! im not lying when i say i wouldn't have finished writing this yesterday if it wasn't for her, like thank u for ur super helpful review that got my brain juices flowing :< luv u fr. ALSO both heeseung and reader are taking post grad course so of course, they're aged up ( no ages specified ) have fun reading.

I. BANE OF EXISTENCE

one thing about life— it’s unpredictable.

for example, you’re in the library writing and reading papers on the topic you love, the one that you’re supposed to enjoy and the one that will become the reason behind your earnings in the near future, but here you are, sitting with a headache and a cup of coffee on the side. who knew the subject you've liked since grade one will betray you and become the potential bane of your existence? not you, surely enough. wednesday noons are for basketball matches, which explains why the library and hallways are quieter and emptier than usual. even the teachers make time for the tournaments off their busy schedules, it’s understandable— your university is known for having one of the best sports teams in the league, and the basketball team being the defending champions does nothing but fuel the pride of students and staffs as if they’re the ones on the court, trying to get the ball in the basket.

you wouldn’t say you don’t like being a part of the crowd because you’ve been to the badminton tournaments and know that watching matches is as interesting as playing, if not more. you just don’t have the time to attend any. with assignments piling up and exams ‘round the corner, you’d rather spend your last two months of the semester studying instead of yelling at the bleachers. you can always get the recordings if you ever feel like watching one, as for the results, the word goes around faster in your department than anywhere else, all because of one of the students being on the team.

you try focusing, you really do, but your cup is just as empty as your brain and your phone is going up with notifications. you don’t see the point of miyeon spamming the gc with updates on the match when everyone in the group, except you, is with her, watching and cheering alongside. muting is a choice which you choose not to do, and the reason is between you and god, to be honest. long story short, it’s the lack of motivation clogging your thought process and the realisation that your friends are out there enjoying themselves unlike you is blocking any means of logical thinking. a day or two spent not studying wouldn’t make you fail the classes, and even if the guilt is pooling inside, you pack your stuff and walk out of the library, making your way to the indoor basketball court.

the screams grow louder as you approach, each step reminding you that you still can go back as you choose to ignore it. exams can wait, you tell yourself, a day to myself can’t. your mother would tell you to take breaks and go out instead of studying all day, but being on top is an addiction. it’s no good, you wish other students would believe you, it’s a struggle, on the top, at the bottom, everywhere. you expect to turn a few heads as soon as you walk inside, which doesn’t happen, but you expected it. you don’t watch matches, this could easily be your third or fourth one, and the first basketball match, to be more specific. once you realise that everyone is busy watching the plays instead of noticing who comes and goes from the court, you make your way up to the one friend you manage to spot amidst the crowd— sung hanbin. indoor bleachers feel more compact than the outdoor ones. you've been to the football match last semester, courtesy of miyeon, and everything being outdoors really helps with the crowd and noise.

“didn’t expect to see you here,” hanbin stands next to you, offering you a sip or two from his drink, which you politely refuse, eyes fixed on the court as if it was the home they’ve been searching for. “i thought you hate heeseung,” it isn’t until he takes his name that your gaze averts to heeseung. you don’t even know why hanbin would outright assume you’re here for heeseung. in fact, that man’s name didn’t even cross your mind until he was mentioned.

“hate is a big word, ‘bin,” your words are more of a whisper laced with hesitation, as if you aren’t sure of what you’re saying. hate, actually, is a very big and heavy word. despite its constant usage with your friends, you realise the weight it holds and the impact it has. hate and dislike— they’re different and yet similar enough to be used synonymously at times. not by you, of course, you have a clear distinction between the two, and as of now, you don’t know if what you feel for heeseung is a mere dislike or pure hatred. “i just don’t like him,”

when he successfully shoots a three-pointer, you come to the decision that you definitely don’t hate him. heeseung is, more or less, the typical all-rounder straight-A student, the jack of all trades and fortunately enough, the master of all as well. he's the student teachers use as an example, the son parents wish for, the boyfriend people wished they had. lee heeseung is many things, and one of those is being the reason why you have the second highest score in your department instead of the first position, unlike how it used to be two semesters ago.

heeseung transferred departments about thirty weeks ago, from chemistry to bioinformatics. it had been surprising on your side because not many opted for bioinformatics until they were certain of their goal. the course in itself is vast, like an ocean of several different fields and each and every one of them opens a door to a different outcome. bioinformatics isn’t something students picked overnight just because it had the vacancy and they didn’t like their initially chosen courses. as fun as the subject sounds, it demands consistency and time, something that heeseung lacks. you had seen him attend classes the first few weeks regularly, and then the ghost of him started sitting on the empty seat that belongs to him. skipping classes, arriving late, delayed submission of a couple of projects— you knew he wasn’t here to stay. it was to pass time, or whatever, you couldn’t care, didn’t care, not until he started acing the tests, practically dethroning you from your infamous ‘perfect all kill’ title that you had for getting nothing less than a perfect score, most of the time, give and take a few here and there.

you still get good scores, amazing even, full score in theory and the same in practicals. it’s going well in lab manuals and project works but heeseung seems to get a perfect score in those too, something you started missing ever since he came into the picture. perhaps, it was something in the way he phrased his essays— you hoped it was. rumour has it that heeseung used to be a literature student, which could explain his outstanding english skills and his eloquent way of speaking. you even looked up his debate videos on youtube only to find more evidence on how skilled he is in public speaking.

but above all, heeseung is, actually, just a really damn annoying student, quite literally the bane of your existence. he’s always set on stealing people’s spotlight during lessons, with you being the people, obviously, always answering questions with information that’s unrelated and probably even unnecessary. and for the shortest time, you even considered taking him off your ‘things i hate’ list because you were no different in highschool. when you’re the top student, it becomes a habit to talk about things as if you know them in your bones and impress teachers. hell, you even had rivals in highschool, although none of them got on your nerves the way heeseung does. basically, he has no reason to call you by weird names everytime you both pass each other in the hallways, or remind you that he’s the top student. ‘this is the vice-captain of the basketball team and the best student of the biotechnology department, lee heeseung, informing you on the up—’ seriously, no one wants to hear him introduce himself like that when you’re around. you’re pretty sure it’s engraved inside your brain with the amount of times he repeats it everyday. minjeong even says that heeseung is becoming more and more like sunghoon, and you would not know how or why because you didn’t attend highschool with sunghoon, unlike her.

the court flares up with cheers when heeseung goes for a dunk which ultimately leads to their team winning the match, and you reach the conclusion that maybe you don’t hate heeseung but actually want to bang his head against the walls. your eyes follow him around the court, analysing his conduct during the match, the way he communicates so effortlessly with teammates using hand signs or quick phrases, the way he holds the team together when the ball is with him, despite not being the captain. heeseung might be the most unbearable person you’ve met so far, he’s actually just fine when his target is not you. you’re sure any other player is doing just as good but nothing comes close to how you see heeseung. it’s different, the light he is in, it’s unique, incredible, and inexplicably addictive. heeseung juggles between classes and basketball, you remember sunghoon talking about his part-time job when you passed by their lockers the other day. he doesn’t have it easy, you don’t either, but you had those all perfect kills by spending hours in your study while heeseung does better than you while winning matches, making money.

it doesn’t take you long to realise that what you have for him could be dislike with a hint of jealousy, and you wonder if all the people would react the same way once they know who heeseung really is— a devil behind an angelic face, one who deliberately likes ruining things for you, as if his life depends on it. you still remember the day he personally texted you the wrong syllabus for a test, claiming that it had been updated and the professor had asked him to notify everyone. ‘and as you know, i have not been added in the group chat yet so i’m texting everyone personally,’ he had lied ever so smoothly as if his words consist of nothing but truth, as if lies are something he hasn’t even heard of. kudos to you for studying the original and correct syllabi beforehand, you still aced the test, if heeseung scoring the first rank is overlooked.

you’re dragged back from your thoughts to the reality when a boy bumps into you while hurrying down to the players, hoping to get noticed. half of the students act like the team is actually a boy-band, you can see them on the front page of every single edition of university magazine. usually, you prefer waiting for the crowd to disperse before taking your leave from wherever you are, but a sudden reminder about the tests over text from your professor gives you a reason to leave early, all to make sure you could catch up to heeseung. you rush your way out of the bleachers once the teams start leaving the court, eyes fixed on heeseung to take a note of the direction he leaves. hanbin gives you a confused look before the words find their way out of his mouth. “where are you going?”

“basketball shower room,” and your words could give him, and the other people who might’ve heard you, a wrong idea but you couldn’t care less. the goal was to see heeseung before he leaves the campus, which was highly likely because no one has it in them to attend four hours of classes after an exhausting match, not even heeseung, no matter how amazing he is.

you make your way through the ocean of people, bumping into a few in the process as you make your way to the club room. a silent profanity leaves your mouth once you realise that the club room entrance might be filled with fangirls and boys, left and right, and the thought of shuffling your way out of the crowd to meet heeseung makes you reconsider your actions. heeseung might be a star student but isn’t amazing enough for you to step out of your comfort zone and do things to see him.

“well, this is surprising,” your voice manages to turn his head towards the door. “thought you’d be busy with your fangirls, lee,” and it is surprising indeed because the hallways are unexpectedly empty with only a few people around. you would say they learnt to give the players their space after a game but that would be a lie considering the embarrassing history of students when it comes to people on the sports team.

“they’re probably busy with jake,” heeseung responds with a smile, and even though he turns to his locker just as quickly, you could see the smile dancing on the corner of his lips.

jake is rather a new player, a junior to be specific, and jay personally spent days waiting outside the physics department to get the guy on the basketball team. explains why he’s popular amidst students, he’s talented, good at studies— seriously, you wouldn’t understand how these people manage academics with sports. you couldn’t, and even if you managed to, you would end up passing out every few days. “does it suck to lose your fan-following to a newbie?”

“not really. i still have you here,” heeseung wouldn’t call it ‘losing’ his fan-following because he’s using jake as bait to escape the crowd of students as quickly as possible. a junior has to make sacrifices, in this case it’s to save heeseung by sacrificing himself to the public. although, saying that he still has you looking for him even though a hundred others aren’t makes him feel better about himself. “no but seriously, what did you come here for?”

“oh, it’s for the test on friday,” you pull out your phone, opening the group chat with the professor and the students who took the same course. it’s laughable how the universe put you in the exact same situation twice, although with the tables turned this time, and it takes everything in you to not tell him a made-up, wrong syllabi, and do what is rational. “the syllabi was extended up to chapter fourteen, till page three-ninety-seven. they sent it in the group chat this morning but i’m sure you hardly have time even to think about something else except basketball,”

you’ve known heeseung for two semesters but that’s for the people to say. the truth is, you don’t know him outside what he shows to everyone else. you see him come and go, spot him around the bar with his friends on weekends you pass by it. you know he skips classes and asks students for notes. it’s not necessarily from you, though you’d prefer if he would ask you since you’re the best student in the whole department, after him, as much as you hate to admit it. on some days, you see him in the library, earphones plugged in. if you manage to sneak a glance or two, you’d catch him watching the match recordings and taking notes, you wouldn’t know what notes someone could take from matches. in short, you don’t know heeseung more than how everyone knows him. coming to the shower rooms and notifying him about the test might just be a discreet attempt at striking up more conversations with him, but also, you’re just fine with him being the academic rival slash classmate that he is.

“yeah, semi-finals,” heeseung shuts his locker close, a sigh falling off his lips just like the water drops falling on his shoulder from the tips of his hair, after a shower. “doesn’t help that they’re at the same time as the quarterly assessments. thank you for telling me even though it means you’ll end up losing the first position to me once again,” and of course, the heeseung you know wouldn’t waste an opportunity to strike up a competition. it would be a lie if you claim to hate it because despite the sour look on your face, a part of you loves these little academic races with him. heeseung makes you strive to do better, he’s like the driving force you lacked which made college a whole lot better. after all, where’s the fun in getting a perfect score with the bare minimum effort, without some challenges knocking at your door?

“what can i do, i’m all about fair play,” there’s a subtle shade behind your words, reckoning to the multiple incidents of him ruining things for you. this could take a really nasty turn if you were to resort to his ways, except you won’t because you’re better than him. “good luck, and we’ll see who loses the first position to whom,”

heeseung wipes his hair before switching to texting on his phone, the smile still adorning his face like a jewel. you assume it’s the delight from winning a match, it’s obvious. his eyes couldn’t help but sparkle at every little achievement, always looking forward to something more, something challenging, that’s lee heeseung for you— someone who knows he has an easier way around things but would deliberately walk down another path and test his limits. shocking how it took you one basketball match to see the passion he has for things he’s interested in, that he’s more than a sport jock or a straight nerd, he’s more than someone who takes courses to pass time, more than someone who is just a show-off.

“heeseung,” the dislike, the hatred, the envy, it might all be a lie. “well played today,” because in the end, there’s a minimal possibility that you’re leaving the room with nothing but the slightest of admiration for the guy who is nothing but an obstacle between you and that first position in upcoming finals in two months.

and it would be a lie too to claim that your words didn’t catch heeseung by surprise.

II. RIVALRY, FEELINGS, ETCETERA.

it has been a little over one day since heeseung’s conversation with you outside the shower rooms, twenty-seven hours to be exact. twenty-seven hours of him hearing the same last words over and over again, twenty-seven hours of him failing all and any attempts at straight thinking and twenty-seven hours of him not thinking about anything except you. all of it ends up in three hours of practice and not one good shot from heeseung. the sighs and snickers from teammates fill the court every few seconds— truthfully, they never leave. heeseung is simply too lost to pay attention to them.

“heeseung, you good?” a pat on shoulder from jake and the words following soon after manage to pull him out of his spiral of thought, even if it’s for a brief second.

“he’s not, won’t be anytime soon,” sunghoon replies as if the answer was on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be revealed. “yn came to watch the last match, after all,” there’s a smirk on sunghoon’s face, heeseung can tell it in the intonation of his words.

jay pauses just seconds before going for a layup, joining the conversation. “wait, she did?”

“yep, saw her standing next to that hanbin guy or something,”

“mate, you cannot be acting like this over a girl and that too, four days before finals,” this conversation, as a whole, is beyond jake’s comprehension. a part of the reason could be because he joined the team late, thus missing out on a huge chunk of internal jokes and gossip and goes amidst the players. and no amount of reasons can convince him into thinking that it’s fine to act out-of-character before important matches just because your crush showed up at one of your matches.

“she’s not just some random girl. she never attends matches, but she came to watch my match,” heeseung clarifies as if the reasons behind his antics are valid and acceptable. “you wouldn’t know how i feel right now,”

“you’re on cloud nine, we know, your crush gave you the attention you’ve been lacking but trust me, she would ignore you just as efficiently if she sees you perform like this,”

“she’s not a crush,” and despite it being a well known fact amongst the basketball team that heeseung has a thing or two for you, he always refuses to accept it. one can say it’s the pride thing. you barely even talk to him unless it’s about studies, and your conversations are mostly along the lines of who outdoes whom in tests and assessments. moreover, everyone knows heeseung is the reason why you’re the second best student in the department— as much as you hate to admit it, again— because he transferred and flipped your world, probably even dribbled around with it like a basketball. a word goes around every few days about you glaring at him in class, which is not true, you’re instead focusing your eyes on something in an attempt to think. he just happens to sit right in front of you and be the object of focus. heeseung might as well believe that you hate him, even though yesterday’s conversation was far from how people talk when they hate each other, and his assumptions could account for the constant words of denial that fall off his lips.

jay snickers before landing a hook successfully. “yeah, and i’m a pigeon,”

“oh, shut it, jay,” heeseung turns to look at the other boy. “she’s just someone i admire. have you read her essays? her papers? god, we’re a year away from graduation but she’s already writing mind-blowing papers, one of them was even published in the monthly issue of some magazine. she’s already on her best performance and still tries to do better, always down to guide juniors with lab work and also is on the research team for the paediatrics department at asan medical centre. all this, and she studies all day. if i were her, i’d pass out. i can’t go a day without entering the court,”

“and he says he doesn’t have a crush oh her,” sunghoon rolls his eyes, it’s like if he heard another line of excuses from heeseung, he could see the back of his skull and have a look at hs big, fat brain.

“because i don’t? you guys never had someone you admired so much that they practically became your role model despite being in the same year?” unlike other things that heeseung does, calling you his role model has a reason. first, it can give him a reason to talk to you. heeseung is almost convinced that you hate him, and if this persists, it would get harder and harder for him to approach you, but with the lie— half lie— of you being his role model and so wonderful that he couldn’t help but admire you from afar while trying to overcome his social anxiety gives him a reason to talk to you. plus, it sounds plausible, he doesn’t understand why his brother says it’s bound to fail.

the second reason and more to do with his friend group. no one in his friend circle is capable of keeping a secret— jay ends up spilling tea unconsciously, jake tells one person who he trust and that person turns out to be the most untrustworthy person ever, beomgyu, well he’s on the team but telling him would be like standing on a stage and announcing to the whole campus, and sunghoon, he’s the mother, he cannot digest food without disclosing secrets. even if it’s common knowledge that heeseung has a tiny crush on you, denying it in front of the whole campus everytime one of them brings it up helps him with his reputation and fortunately, ends up keeping it a secret. besides, he’d rather have people tease him for calling you his role model than having a crush on you.

“i surely don’t have someone i admire to the point i read all their papers and know each and everything they’ve volunteered for,” jay argues back, set on proving his point. “tell me what am i gonna do knowing that she’s on the paediatrics research team?”

“i think this is the most i’ve known about yn ever since classes started and that too, because of heeseung,” beomgyu chuckles, earning a side eye from heeseung in the process.

“enough, let’s get back to practice,” heeseung intervenes in an attempt to change the topic. he does not want his closest friends making fun of him for liking someone— it’s supposed to be human nature to have a crush.

“you get back to practice because you’re the only one fucking up because of your silly little crush. i’m done, jay, call me when we’re having a practice match because i need to attend theology or my professor would write me up,” taehyun passes the ball to sunghoon, the latter yelping in surprise at the sudden yet successful catch.

“i don’t have a crush—”

“of course, let’s get you back to practice,” jake cuts heeseung off mid sentence, moving back to take his position as sunghoon passes the ball to heeseung, who, as expected, misses the catch due to lack of concentration.

it’s going to be a long day for the team.

“a little birdie told me you went to see heeseung in the shower rooms?” are the words you hear as soon as your classes are dismissed, miyeon walking up to you and hanbin discussing the set of questions your professor distributed just a few minutes ago.

“i didn’t go into the shower rooms, i was outside, near the lockers,” and there’s a difference. to be in the shower room implies you were there in the shower, which definitely gives rise to several wrong ideas of different levels. specifically, you didn’t even enter the locker room. you were outside, leaning against the door, watching heeseung as he walked freshly out of the shower, a towel around his neck, you both strike up a small talk. yeah, that was the scene, not with you in the shower and whatever miyeon’s imagination leads to after that.

“so you did go!” she claps her hands together as if it’s a celebratory occasion, turning her head to look at the boy next to you. “what were you saying about yn not having a crush, habin?”

“it’s not a crush, miyeon,” and it’s true— heeseung is not a crush. he’s a classmate, a rival, an over-qualified and impossibly competitive student, someone you would want to take your time to study. “what, i can’t even go to tell a classmate about the updated syllabus for a test now? i would’ve done that for anyone, not just heeseung,”

hanbin sighs, packing his bag. “sure, but he’s in the groupchat. he could’ve checked it himself,”

“um, i doubt that,” you’re preparing a powerpoint in your head, multiple slides on why you needed to do what you did. “he’s busy with basketball and i know how he gets when the matches are around the corner. don’t you remember how he skipped two weeks of classes straight because of matches last semester? and it’s the finals this time, i don’t think he even opens texts about anything that’s not basketball. i mean, he responded to my messages six days later because he was busy with practice,”

you say it like you’ve known heeseung for a decade and have been through the ups and downs with him. you wouldn’t care about who does what in the classes, if it’s a paper plane flying right over you, landing just second to the first row of seats or if it’s someone being brave enough and playing music during lectures. biology, in your opinion, is a subject for those who are serious about doing something unique while staying in the academic field. you don’t encounter troublemakers often, once a blue moon if the heavens make a mistake. on other days, it’s quieter than a library, emptier than cemeteries at night.

to think your life as a biotechnology major got interesting after heeseung switched majors is astonishing and equally debatable.

“i don’t see why i should remember all that about ‘just a classmate’ but thanks for telling,” and before you know it, hanbin and miyeon are out of the class, on their way to wherever their next stop is. seriously, they’re having it easier than you. they go to games, movies, drink on weekends— something you haven’t had a taste on ever since the year started. somewhere, you could be blamed for your hectic schedules. studies, lab work, and thesis, they suffice for all the stress a student in post graduation studies can handle. volunteering and writing papers is on you, things wouldn’t have been arduous if you had decided to move slowly, one step at a time. sometimes, the hunger for more leaves you starving— quite literally.

you spend an hour or so in the classroom along with a few other students, going through the same old routine of yours— watch videos, take notes, transfer them to your document in your own words and make it sound as innovative and convincing as possible. heeseung would be better at this than you. you’re exhausted to the point that accepting your defeat to him doesn’t even faze you anymore. he used to be a literature student, had english as a side course as an undergrad, he’s bound to be better than making essays sound they came right out of shakespeare's drafts, phrases and metaphors that would put fitzgerald to shame.

you didn’t care about what went down in your classes until heeseung came along. call it craziness or the weird impression you have of students in your field, heeseung is far from the typical biotechnology student aiming for a postgraduate degree. he skips classes, plays basketball as if studies are a side business, and yet still manages to ace every test like an all-rounder. he shouldn’t even be in classroom, he should be in the labs, being the most important subject of studies. there are days you think of him as a social experiment— how quickly can a robot piss off a straight-A student with its impeccable skills— of course, the subjects wouldn’t know it’s a robot but you do, you’re almost convinced he is one. there’s no way he’s the top student with the amount of effort he puts in. one would claim that he studies after classes, at home slash dorms, but you can bet your life he doesn’t. there have been numerous instances when you’ve spotted him in the background of someone’s picture at a bar. he’s always with people, he has a humongous friend group, god knows how someone can live like that. at first, you were convinced he isn’t real, as worrisome as it sounds, and if he is real then he needs to be studied.

which leads to what you’re doing right now— making your way to the basketball court. you don’t know how or why you’re doing it. you started with your studies, ended up thinking about heeseung, and now you’re on your way to the basketball court. although, it’s not half a bad idea, now that you think about it once again.

your mind goes all the way back to when you watched him play for the first time, which was just a day ago actually. you don’t know anything about basketball, you don’t know much about heeseung either, but there’s one thing you’re sure of— heeseung is class and heeseung on the court, they’re different. you’ve noticed the way he clicks his pen relentlessly out of nervousness when he can’t solve a question, the way his back tenses up for a fraction of a second as soon as he’s asked to explain something. you’ve seen the hints of fear in his eyes when he asked you for notes last semester just three days before exams, scared that he would fail. heeseung isn’t sure of a lot of things and basketball isn’t one of those.

“you’re not practising?” you ask him when you swim out of your thoughts, watching him climb up the bleachers and sit next to you. the court seems much better when it’s empty, free from the loud cheers of spectators, but that could be just you.

“i was, as you see, but i saw you up here and thought it was time for a break,” you could see his teammates shake heads at him in disappointment, proceeding to continue with their practice. “what’s up?”

you don’t respond to him and instead, take your time watching the others practise their shots. you watch the way one of them, who you think is taehyun, goes for a dunk, credits to hanbin for telling you names for a few shots. next to you, heeseung shouts out a tip or two for the boy for him to have an easier and effective approach at the said move. heeseung is good at dunks, you’ve heard it from students, you’ve seen it in the last match as well. just one shot was enough to tell you how good he is at it, it’s like basketball flows in his veins, like he can close his eyes and still manage to get a basket.

your eyes ghost up the court and shift to him— there’s a content smile on his face, a relaxed posture as if there’s nothing for him to worry about. he takes a sip from his energy drink, you wonder if he, or anyone from the team, even gets time to have their meals. the expression on his face, it’s something you’ve never seen on him during lessons. it takes you back to the match, how he looked on court a day before, certain of every move he made, every step, every breath, without doubts, no second thoughts. you’ve done enough lab projects with heeseung to know how his hands shake when he’s preparing a slide or extracting a sample from a centrifuge, afraid that one wrong move and he would mess up the efforts of everyone in the group. that hesitation is nowhere to be seen on the court, gone like it has never existed. as if lee heeseung, the star student and player, has never had an encounter with nervousness and hesitation in his life. there’s a thin line between studies and sport for him, you finally realise it after much consideration. maybe, you’re going beyond your boundaries and making assumptions about a guy you barely know, even if you would never voice all these thoughts to him, you think you know the reason why there’s a different him on the stage when the ball is in hands.

“how did you realise that you like basketball? you know, like it enough to devote so much of your time and have it alongside studies?” because even if biotech is something he’s studying and wants to make a career in, you guess that it’s just a source of satisfaction. in your eyes, through your perception, basketball is what makes him truly happy.

you don’t know why someone wouldn’t pick satisfaction over happiness, especially when it’s coming with its hands full of opportunities to grab that bag.

“eh, i don’t have a sob story about it, if that is what you’re hoping for,” he chugs down the contents of the can before crushing it to the slightest, eyes squinting at the opposite wall before they move back to meet yours. “i never had to sit and think about basketball and studies, you know, as in how am i going to manage both of them. it just happened. i started playing basketball in middle school and it has been with me ever since,”

heeseung’s side of the story is simple— a mediocre guy who was introduced to sports by his older brother and now, it’s one of the most important things in his life. middle school heeseung preferred staying in and playing video games instead of going out. in fact, middle school heeseung resembles you in all the ways that make him different from you right now. he has been good at learning and remembering things, he takes liking to things quicker than others do. basketball was like for him— easy, quick, fun, like a way to release all the stress after a long day at school. in heeseung’s story, there isn’t a main character who helped him choose the path he’s walking right now. instead, all he had was his family who introduced him to the various aspects and opportunities, and he simply ended up joining hands with the ones he liked, deciding to not let it go before the dead end.

“i want to have that passion for things,” a soft laughter falls off your lips, it’s an attempt to make your sob story look less pitiful. “i used to paint and play piano— but painting, mostly, was really good at it. i learnt how to draw before i learnt how to tie my shoelaces. i couldn’t go a day without painting, but then highschool happened, i had pressure to do well, expectations from friends and family, had a dream outside painting, and now, i haven’t painted in years,”

unlike heeseung, art started as more than just a side business to you. it’s not something you were introduced to in the middle of your life but rather is something you grew up with. you can blame or credit your mother for making paintings and having them in almost every corner of your house. it’s one of the reasons why at five years old you were beyond fascinated at all the patterns and colours. no one would’ve guessed that science would manage to sweep you off your feet right from the first grade, given the way your hands danced a duet to their own melody along with a paintbrush, as if each stroke has a conscious life of its own. no one would’ve guessed that your mother would tell you to stop painting and focus on studies, neither would they have known that she would become the reason why you no longer feel the same way about art. as stated before, life is unpredictable— because no one would’ve guessed that sitting here on the bleachers with heeseung and sharing a piece of your life would water the seeds of doubts in your heart, the ones that bloom at the sight of him.

he thinks your story is sad— with all due respect, without sarcasm, of course. it’s the best he can say. “i think it’s more of a ‘connection’ thing. you think you’ve lost the connection but you simply need to pickup a canvas and some colours to relink, if you get me,” because heeseung has had somewhat of a same experience, with music, and sitting front of a piano to play one of sibelius’ symphonies after senior year highschool finals was all it took him to find his lost interest in music. even though it’s nothing more than just a hobby, even if it's just something he considers as a way to pass time, heeseung knows how it feels to let go of something that is an integral part of one’s life.

“it has always been about timing, heeseung,” you shake your head, trying to prove him wrong using your own arguments. “you think i haven’t tried painting again? i still have art supplies stacked up in my cupboard. it’s all about timing. when you like something, you only get a few chances to make sure it stays with you for a lifetime. how many people do you know who have given up on their hobbies because they claim to have lost interest? the thing is, the interest is still there, it’s the inability and fear of not being able to do it again. if you timing is off, no matter how much you try, things won’t work, and what you love will end up becoming a closed chapter of your life,”

a pause. he sits still, eyes admiring your face while his mind is busy replaying your words in the back of his head. heeseung wonders how valid they are when it comes to people. he likes you, despite the constant denial which is only for show, by the way. it doesn’t take a scientist to read him. reading him isn’t even close to rocket science, he doesn’t understand how you haven’t caught up even after being incredibly smart. he has seen you hang out with hanbin— heeseung hates that guy, by the way. there’s no solid logic, it’s just that hanbin seems to be around you all the time and heeseung thinks of him as a leech sucking blood off its host. heeseung would never admit but it’s just his jealousy playing tricks on him, and even though it doesn’t look like you have any romantic feelings towards that guy, it would be fucking embarrassing for heeseung lose you to a guy who isn’t even half as qualified as him. ( yes, he is judging characters based on academic qualifications, no heeseung wouldn’t explain why )

“i like you,” and so, he lets his feelings win for once, deciding to let his heart take control instead, closing doors to any room for rational thinking like it never existed. “you said it was about timing, about trying hard enough and having only a few chances, perhaps, just one bullet, and i’m shooting my shot right now. i don’t want to remember you as a closed chapter of my life,”

it would be such a waste of chemistry if you end up becoming just a closed chapter of his life. heeseung has done his research, more like reading tons of books and watching hundreds of movies to understand the potential that two academic rivals have. no one knows this, not even his closest friends, but heeseung’s favourite genre might simply be enemies to lovers and living that trope doesn’t sound as bad when it’s with you. he has spent hours thinking about the number of productive library dates you could have, working on projects together and brainstorming about the next biggest revolution in the RDT world, changing the public’s outlook at genetics forever. it sounds stupid and makes him sound even stupider, even as a lost cause, but heeseung doesn’t care. in his mind, it’s the best date someone could have. to live and become successful together, it sounds like a perfect plan to him.

truthfully, you have always been a part of heeseung’s future, near or distant. he always always pictures you in his life, standing next to him during graduation, bidding goodbyes at farewell, exchanging shy greetings at reunions ten years later while reminiscing about everything he did to irritate you, that would sound embarrassing a decade later. your presence will always be significant to him, he just hopes to remember you as something more than just a rival, just a classmate he never really got to know, just a person he spent his two years hating upon, just a crush he didn’t get to confess to.

the catch— heeseung has already started picturing his future and you are not even sure of your present— and while he is looking at you for an answer, you’re lost inside your head, looking for words to articulate.

heeseung is someone you planned to stay away from for the rest of your university life. him stepping into your life already costs you a lot, namely: dropping in ranks and losing your infamous title. his actions cost you the time you could use to study, which is actually upon you because you can simply ignore him instead of spending hours on thinking about his hows, whens and whats. heeseung was supposed to be the academic rival slash classmate that he is, instead of allowing him to be something more, but beyond rivalry, feelings, etcetera. you knew the way you felt about him, even though you couldn’t be as certain as him, or even to claim you see him the same way he feels about you.

turns out, heeseung has always been sure of certain things in his life.

“heeseung, i’m—”

“not sure? busy? stressed? i know you have a lot of things going on right now. take your time, study for the finals, finish your papers, sort out your own issues and then come back to me. i’ll be waiting,” it’s like he’s not only good at studying but also at reading minds, because heeseung seems to have guessed a part of exactly what you’ve been thinking. call it timing, jay calls him to get back to practice just a few seconds later— a perfect excuse to leave. “looks like my break is over,”

you sit speechless, watching him walk away like an opportunity that just walked out of your hand. it feels like a slight defeat, like a test you failed when you could've scored better, if not a full score. it's funny because this wasn't a competition, you weren't rejected, more like you rejected him, but it still feels like he has the upper hand. it's funny and equally annoying because heeseung is supposed to be nothing more than just a nobody, somebody you aren't even supposed to spare two thoughts on, but here you are sitting with the guy with your feelings all over the place.

“heeseung,” you stand up, your voice making him turn to look at you, both of you ignoring the sight of his teammates standing motionless in their positions, too stunned at your voice reverberating in the almost empty court. “let’s do this: if you manage to stand first in the finals, i’ll date you,”

a lowkey confession leading to a mere competition. his lips morph into a smirk, the ones he'd pass you before tests, an open challenge offered directly to you. “and if i don’t?”

and you mirror the same smirk back at him, you weren't going to back off simply because it's about the person you possibly have a crush on. “i become just a closed chapter of your life,”

let the game begin.

III. LIAR AND THE LOVER

despite heeseung’s sudden confession, you’re doing quite well, taking it better than expected. you had your moment of confusion back when the words of proposal fell off his lips— anyone would. after all, it’s lee heeseung we’re talking about. you can only imagine the saddened faces of his fangirls once they hear about him confessing to you.

“jay told me you made a bet with heeseung?” hanbin’s question catches your attention as soon as he steps into the cafe, managing to turn a few heads towards you in the process.

“you know jay?”

he sits next to you, pulling out his laptop in a hurry. you can guess it’s because of his essay that’s due before six in the evening, one he could’ve written last night instead of getting wasted at his friend’s birthday gathering. “we share history, also, that’s not the answer to my question,”

“it’s not a bet, ‘bin,” your words aren’t half wrong. “just a silly game, y’know? i didn’t even expect him to agree,” frankly, even you don’t know why or how you came up with such a bizarre idea in broad daylight. usually, people get bouts of excitement or embarrassment while confessing or being confessed to, but in your case, you jumped over the fence and made a proposal that you have only seen in fiction.

“nah, no way you’re setting up your whole love life for failure and calling it a silly game,” the disappointment is evident in hanbin’s voice as his fingers danced over his keyboard, typing with a speed that could leave the trains behind. well, people tend to get like that when you have an assignment due and the deadline is just a few hours to go. you guess that he’s too busy to even listen to your reasoning, which is appreciated considering you have no reasoning as for why you did what you did.

“you made a bet with heeseung,” you turn your head around, making the boy next to you do the same in the process. it’s miyeon— you should’ve seen it coming, honestly. your actions have consequences, as always, and one of them is dealing with her non-stop interrogation as if you’re the prime suspect for some gruesome crime and every question answered wrong opens gates to capital punishment. sometimes, you wonder why she didn’t go with studying law instead.

“how do you know?”

“everyone knows, yn. it’s all they’ve been talking about,” she sighs, sitting opposite to you while taking a look at hanbin’s laptop. “even the football fanatics are talking about attending the game, god, hanbin we better hurry that day or we’re not getting a seat,” you should’ve seen it coming, honestly. miyeon might not be the most social person, but she definitely is the most updated. nothing escapes her, every tiny incident reaches her ears one way or another, and if not, then she just finds out about it using her sources, given you don’t know about her sources. it’s one of the reasons why you’re almost convinced that she runs a shady side business alongside her career in bioengineering.

you take a sharp breath, going through the bunch of papers arranged in your file. “it’s not that serious. he confessed to me and i said i’d date him if he manages to secure the first position in the finals as well,”

“you did that knowing he hasn’t been studying because of games while you’re studying like your life depends on it? there’s no way he’s going to be first, and everything aside, it was a wrong fucking move to play with his feelings,” play with his feelings— a pause, you don’t like how it sounds. you’re not playing with his feelings, that’s far from what you’re doing. it’s a game, a competition, new to your friends but you and heeseung have always been familiar with it. there’s an unspoken rule to test each other’s limits. the last time you and heeseung did something like this, it resulted with you writing ‘lee heeseung is smarter than ln yn,’ in bold on a sheet of paper and putting it on the notice board for the whole campus to see. in your eyes, it's history repeating itself yet again. sure, there is something else at stake, but the rules are the same, and you don’t know why your friends are acting like you’ve done something terribly unethical.

“no one’s playing with his feelings, miyeon, and i know for a fact he’s making time to study for finals,” you clarify your side, slight annoyance evident in your voice. “besides, it doesn’t matter. it’s not like this is serious, i only did this to buy time to figure out my feelings while the game gives me a reason to study and not get distracted. you know how i get when i lose focus,”

that could be the reasoning behind your actions, of course. even while sitting in a cafe with your friends and having a conversation that is about to make your blood boil, you’re thinking of heeseung in the back of your head. his words play over and over again like a broken record player, the image of him on court or studying pops up in your mind every now and then. obsession is a disease and you have it bad. it’s crazy to be thinking about someone so much without being absolutely floored for them.

“so you’ll date him despite the outcome?” hanbin drags you out of the well of your thoughts, a question that leaves miyeon flabbergasted.

“if i manage to figure out my feelings then of course,” a chuckle falls off your lips. “i’m telling you guys, it’s not that serious. i’m sure he knows it too,” and you’re really confident about this— it usually never ends on a good note.

“and if he doesn’t? what if it’s serious for him? yn, you never know how one thing might affect someone, and feelings are not something to gamble on. you should’ve told him you need some time to think instead of giving him a false hope or whatsoever,” it’s now that you start having second thoughts. the next two hours go by amidst silence, a few small talks blooming here and there, but dissolving just as quickly within the ticking clock of deadlines for assignments and exams.

it doesn’t take a scientist to know when miyeon is upset, for she isn’t the best at masking her emotions. through the sneaky glances at her that you’ve stolen over time, you can tell she’d rather spend the evening in silence than talk to you, which is a challenge with herself because she’s really talkative. it takes two to sing a duet, two to play and game, two people to make a relationship work. heeseung and you— the two of you are enough to make decisions for yourselves, decide what’s right and wrong and, something about miyeon questioning your choices doesn’t sit right with you.

too many cooks spoil the broth, it’s the principle of your life, the words you’ve been following to this date. it was your decision to have a few friends instead of a fifty— quality over quantity, as one might call it— and there has never been a moment when you regretted having a handful of people to call friends. instead of consulting too many people about your major in university, you simply went with what your parents and homeroom teacher suggested. life has been good so far. the more the better is something that isn’t applicable in your case. instead of telling everyone about your dilemma regarding heeseung, you decided to keep it to yourself, eventually opening up to heeseung when the time comes. you’re doing just fine on your own, it doesn’t make sense to you why a third person’s opinion is making you doubt your decision making abilities that you’ve been so proud of.

this is not a gamble, you tell yourself, it’s a fair play. you gave him options, he made the choice, it’s consensual. you didn’t force him into this game, he didn’t pressure you to respond, it’s a harmless competition that’s bound to have a positive outcome. you even spend a good fifteen minutes wondering if you should go back to heeseung and take it all back in case he finds it insensitive to put his feelings on the line. doing it in person seemed impossible so you resorted to texts, typing and deleting your message before giving up altogether. in your head, this was an okay decision. a sweet confession, a person with unsure feelings, a harmless competition.

you hope it doesn’t backfire ten times worse.

three days later, you find yourself on the way to basketball club rooms once again. you checked the court, it was empty, and your only option was to check the club slash locker rooms if you wanted to see heeseung. okay, first things first, you don’t miss him— maybe a little, but it’s because you miss hearing his weird ass answers in class even though they’re right. heeseung just has an unique approach to things, in other words he simply knows how to buy time and go in detail about things he’s an expert at to impress the professors. however, that doesn’t seem to be the case for him because he has approached you six times in the past three days, asking if you’re free to hangout.

you like to think he misses you or that his requests were because he wanted to make sure you don’t study and lose to him, either could be true. knowing heeseung, he’s capable of going both ways. whatever may be the reason, you turned him down all six times, and it’s not because you have something against him— of course, you don’t. that’s common knowledge by now— your reason for not hanging out with him is studies, as expected of you honestly. the bet aside, you had way too many chapters to learn before exams and all heeseung ever does is take up your headspace everytime you sit down with your books spread open. avoiding him in thoughts wasn’t possible so avoiding him in person was your last straw.

which leads to the present : you rushing to heeseung, again, not because you miss him but because you need his help, though one of the reasons could be that you feel bad for turning him down six times. you can hear muffled laughter from a distance as you approach the club rooms, a bang against one of the lockers, a loud profanity that follows afterwards. their humour is beyond your level of understanding.

“heese— oh, um—” you greet and turn away just as quickly when you realise that one of them is shirtless. it’s obviously heeseung, you can’t mistake his face for someone else. and you’re guessing he’s the last one to come out of shower because everyone else is dressed, maybe he’s someone who likes to take his time showering— you seriously need to stop thinking before your imagination goes bonkers. “sorry, can you come outside for a second when you’re ready?”

another round of laughter follows, more like teasing remarks because you can swear you heard a few of them refer to you as his girlfriend, and it gets you a little flustered, you won’t lie. you even hear one of them yell ‘ooh, get it, heeseung,’ as heeseung walks out, fixing his t-shirt, responding back with his middle finger up at whoever made the comment.

“hi,” his voice isn’t much louder than a whisper, eyes fluttering between you, the floor, and his teammates who pretend to not look when you peek inside. there’s a soft smile on his face— it’s cute, you think, and then rethink what you just thought. heeseung is, well, not cute— usually. he’s good-looking, handsome, hot, sexy, even, since you’re on the topic of finding adverbs that suit heeseung. cute is rarely one of them, you don’t think you’ve seen him as flustered as he is right now— rubbing his nape, a tint of pink on his cheeks, avoiding eye-contact— that’s far from the heeseung you’ve been seeing for past two semesters.

“hi, can you send me the pdf of the extra set of questions that prof sent last week? i think i accidentally deleted it while clearing up my storage,” you get straight to the point, trying not to waste much of your precious time. “i could’ve texted you but figured you’d be too busy with practice to check messages,” you remember what happened last time; he took six days to reply to your texts. you’re quite a patient person otherwise but in this case, you’re in dire need of questions to practise for tomorrow’s mock.

“ah, sure, give me a minute,” and he pulls out his phone, scrolling through an ocean of files and documents to look for the one you need. you do think he’s gorgeous though, it’s a well known fact that he’s stunning, but you think this look of heeseung surpasses the other ones quite easily— hairs wet after shower, partially covering his forehead, a white t-shirt that’s slightly wet near the shoulders because of the water dripping down— you wish he’d at least dry his hair before catching a cold. “actually, i would have replied to your texts if you had— oh, yes, there you go. do you want me to email it to you or…?”

“oh, just texts would be fine, thank you,”

“done,” a pause, you feel his eyes on you as you go through the pdf to take a brief look at the contents. “do you want to go for a walk? or are you getting back to studies?” at this point, you’re sure that question is a way to tease you about your obsession with studies. heeseung may think you’re overdoing it because you want to win, but it’s no more than the normal amount of hours you spend studying. he never paid you any attention to care about that.

“no, i’m done for today, actually,” and that’s a big fat lie considering you were planning to solve some questions and revise two chapters before leaving the campus, but it’s fine. you feel bad for rejecting him six times either way.

never in your life did you imagine that you’d be going on a walk with heeseung. it’s nothing serious, you just didn’t think there would be a day where you two would have normal people conversation while doing normal people activities instead of trying to disparage each other based on grades and academic performances. to think about it now, heeseung isn’t half bad, it was all in your head. it’s not like you had vile assumptions about him, you did find him annoying and way too prideful— anyone like him would be, actually, and heeseung is still quite humble about his achievements because if it was someone else, they sure would have made it everyone’s problem.

actually, heeseung is insufferable as well. you remember your first encounter with him, first and so far, the worst— in the laboratory. you and heeseung sat next to each other and when the professor asked him to briefly explain his experiment, you realised it’s oddly similar to yours. you had accused him of cheating, like any sane person would, which led to him getting two scores less than a perfect. he only lost one score because of you, actually, and that too because you were professor’s favourite and heeseung was new to the department. the other score, you don’t know where he missed, but that incident led to heeseung deleting your powerpoint thirty minutes before your presentation, which led you stealing his notes and selling it some junior through an undercover twitter account, which led to the professor asking you to help him with notes before exams, and everything ultimately led to the realisation that heeseung is actually quite decent if you behave with decency as well. the give and take is serious for him, because he gave you notes and so, you had to take his offer of going on a walk. even though it seemed like you had a choice, a part of you knew it was a mirage. you would’ve ended up on a walk with heeseung one way or another.

“i come here whenever i’m tired or just not feeling well,” he says and you wake up from your daydream of memories you shared with heeseung. the way he phrases his words makes it sound like he has brought you to one of his most secret locations, one that no one knows except taehyun, probably, considering they’re close friends, but in reality, it’s the playground you pass by every single day on your way from your apartment to university.

“oh, are you okay? are you nervous for tomorrow’s match?” you continue, deciding you shouldn’t ruin his favourite place for him. honestly, no one would’ve guessed that lee heeseung would come to a children’s park on bad days.

“actually, this walk was for you, you looked like you’d pass out if you spent another hour in front of books,” and you’re done, standing speechless with your eyes wide open at his words that he says with a victorious smile on his face. “you should start taking breaks, yn. it’s not a bad thing to go home earlier when you’re tired,”

he’s right, oh, you know he’s absolutely right about everything he just said, from passing out to going home. a part of him probably even feels glad to have you out on his little walk with him, you’re getting your well deserved rest, thanks to him. heeseung might even ask if he can walk you home considering you’re ‘done for today,’ which is very thoughtful of him— but what does this make you? a liar? miyeon was right, you’re gambling, even though it’s not that serious. so far, you’ve lied about being done with your studies and the bet you made with heeseung because at this point, it’s more like a prank, except it’s not funny and that it might end up with him getting upset with you because tomorrow is basketball tournament’s finals and you’re here wasting his time, all because you lied.

a liar and a lover, on a date at children’s park— match made in theatre club, you’d say.

“are you sure this is not your way to manipulate into not studying and losing to you, just so you can date me?” you try to play it cool, knowing very well that it can be one of his tricks or whatsoever. after all, it’s the same heeseung who made you trip in front of your class just three days after being transferred.

“i was being genuine but it doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” of course, it doesn’t. he gets to win, after all. “can i walk you home?” just as you had guessed.

“i would love to go home but my bag is still in the library,” you had considered taking it with you, actually, but dismissed the thought once you realised you had to come back to the library and continue with your studies. albeit, you’re not studying, that’s on you for lying into oblivion and giving into his requests.

once again, you two are back to walking, this time back to the university campus. it’s nice, having a walk with heeseung, it’s sweet, slow, comforting, like slow music flowing around and engulfing you in its arms. the unsaid words are weighing on your shoulders, you can feel the pressure, but it’s not awkward. above the busy hustle of the city and blaring horns, it’s a quiet world with heeseung, it’s nice, like a warm hug after a long day. you didn’t think you had it in yourself to spend a minute next to him without overthinking and possibly starting a banter. you didn’t think heeseung had it in him either, to make a walk feel so close to home.

“so, how are you coping knowing you’re going to lose once again?” and, it’s back again. everything is a hoax actually— his looks? a trap. his smile? a trap. it’s all a facade because once he opens his mouth, nothing but horseshit comes out of it.

“very well, in fact, because i know i’m the one getting that first spot this time,” call it overconfidence but you really do think you’ll get your title back this time. you’ve been studying well and hard enough, solving questions and going through every extra set of notes and exercises your professor sent. although, you would claim to beat heeseung had you been prepared or not because it’s fun messing with him.

“i’d rather have you show some mercy, in that case,” before you know it, you’re already standing in front of the library. “academic defeat and a heartbreak, it already sounds painful. i hope you go easy on me,” it’s sarcastic, of course, all these saccharine words of confessions made you forget how he is under the layers of smiles and winks that adorn his face. a session full of silence follows, the comforting tranquillity morphing into something tensed as he steps closer, your breath getting caught up in your throat as your mind dysfunctions— it’s the effect he has.

“heeseung,” you put a finger on his lips— the only thing between him and you, the only thing helping you stay sane and composed at the moment, because only you know the struggle of pulling yourself together while standing inches away from heeseung as he grabs your wrist and plants a soft kiss on your finger before removing it from his lips.

“why, that’s unfair. you get to see me anytime you want while i have to wait because you’re busy studying, you even get to see me shirtless, and i can’t even get a kiss?” and you hate the look in his eyes, you hate how close he is standing and how it makes your heart go crazy. this isn’t even the beginning and you hate how you feel like you’ve already lost, and you hate how confident he is with every breath he breathes against your lips. “just kidding, see you tomorrow,”

and you hate how this is where you realise that you’ve fallen deep, and you’ve fallen hard.

IV. PLANET TO A SUN

heeseung has been thinking about the walk for an hour and twenty-seven minutes— actually more, ever since the moment he got home last night, but that is how long he has been practising for, eyes on the ball but mind revolving around you like a planet to a sun. you had texted him about a rule this morning— no kissing before finals. actually no kissing before we start dating, lee— your exact words. they have been holding him back from thinking straight, even made him practise an apology while looking in the mirror if in case his actions offended you in any way. lost in thought, heeseung manages to get another shot in. that’s twenty-third in a row ever since he stepped on the court, which is unbelievable, even for him.

“is it just me or did heeseung’s performance improve overnight?” jake looks up at jay, fastening his shoelace, a chuckle escaping his lips that goes unnoticed.

the latter offers a hand to jake, helping him stand as they share a laugh before jay passes him the ball. “well, of course it will. he has to impress his girlfriend today at finals,”

“she’s not my girlfriend,” heeseung grunts almost as if hearing you and the word girlfriend in the same sentences cuts ten years from his lifespan. he knows it doesn’t, he’d kill to call you his’. the reason behind his edgy behaviour is your text and the weird rule you’ve inserted in an already weird bet— it’s not like he minds it, the bet, obviously. heeseung definitely minds not getting to kiss you for the next few weeks.

“yet,” jay clarifies, emphasising enough for the world to understand that his words are supposed to be in italics. “she will be if you score more than her in finals, which i don’t think is possible because unlike you, she has been studying all day everyday. i don’t know how she’s still alive,” and jay isn’t half bad student himself. juniors in business have his name residing on the tips of their tongues. he simply thinks you’re a freak for being in no clubs and not participating in anything that doesn’t involve studying.

“she’s the top student for a reason,” jake adds.

“i am the top student,” and hearing his friends call you the top students hurts heeseung’s ego a little bit. crushes aside, you’re his rival before his girlfriend, and you’re not even his girlfriend. you’re basically just a rival. “also, it’s not hard to study all day if you’re used to it,”

and jay scoffs in disbelief. “right, you would know something about it, lee i can’t go a day without playing basketball heeseung,”

“hey, everyone,” your voice reverberating in the court is what stops heeseung from responding to jay with a snarky remark. “just wanted to wish you all goodluck. i really hope you guys win the tournament or else, it’s going to be hard for heeseung to deal with two loses after i beat him in finals as well,”

heeseung rolls his eyes in disbelief, you hear taehyun exclaim that he has been team yn since the very first day, a claim that few others proceed to back up, especially sunghoon, with his own lore of how he prays everyday for you to win the bet with heeseung. you’re honoured to receive such support, to some extent. a part of you still wishes for the whole thing to be a secret restricted to just heeseung and you but again, it was your fault for placing bets in court, in front of the entirety of the basketball team to witness, even their coach.

“you’re a little too confident, don’t you think so?” he smirks, taking a few steps towards you with the ball supported between his arms and torso. “let me know where you’d like to go for our first date,” and it turns out heeseung is just as confident about winning the bet as you, perhaps even more. you are not surprised, being defending champions does that to people, or so you believe.

“mhm, let’s have you score a date first, lee,” you would have loved to talk more but decide to bid your goodbyes as soon as hanbin’s message pops up on your phone, the little scowl on heeseung’s face going unnoticed the moment he sees his name on your phone screen. heeseung would never in his wildest dream confess to being jealous— it doesn’t even make sense for him to be jealous of hanbin because he confessed to you, and you seem to like him back. his worries are pointless just like the useless art projects his art teacher used to assign in middle school.

your fingers dance on the keyboard of your phone as you reply to hanbin, the subtle taps synchronous with your steps with you rushing across the quadrangle, taking the nearest flight of stairs to the library. you wanted to spend the day at your apartment since classes are suspended for the rest of the day on account of the match. however, hanbin managed to convince you into coming to the library to help him with a few assignments here and there. you’re not opposed to studying on days-off, in fact you think it’s better since you get all twenty-four hours to yourself instead of investing any of it in classes. the match gave you an excuse to call in for a break, or an excuse to take your time choosing the outfits as if you’re the main character on such a big day.

the librarian gestures to you to slow down the moment you almost avoid slipping on the tiled floor, in the process of holding the door frame to stop yourself, an embarrassed apology makes its way from you to her as you spot hanbin in the further corner with his airpods plugged in. your first instinct is to scare him from behind but the thought leaves your mind as soon as you remember that you’re in a library, and getting kicked out on a day that has been treating you well so far doesn’t sound so smart.

so, you settle with approaching normal, instead of pulling random stunts, pulling out the chair opposite to him quietly to not make any sounds, mumbling a soft ‘hi’ as he takes out one of his airpods. “where’s miyeon?”

“sick, she’s skipping today’s match as well,” hanbin replies, eyes fixed on the notes he's copying from the laptop to loose sheets of paper, before looking up at you with another question on the tip of his tongue. “are you two still not talking?”

“we did, none of us brought up what happened that day, though,” you shrug as if it doesn't bother you anymore, as if you don't want it to bother you more than it already does.

miyeon and you have known each other since university, she was a senior in undergrad course who was forced by financial circumstances to skip one academic year, thus rejoining in third year along with you and hanbin. seeing her was less frequent while she was still a senior, although you're not sure if you've spent more than three days away from her ever since postgrad school started. a heavy tension masks all your conversations with her, over texts or in person, and even though you're trying to act like the small talks with her don't hurt you, a part of you is starting to miss the best friend you used to talk to all night, about wasted matters and sharing useless gossip.

silence fills in for the lack of words between you and hanbin and you allow it to do so, deciding not to disturb the decorum of the library anymore. you scroll through your phone mindlessly, there’s nothing to look at except people going crazy about the evening's match. you even manage to stumble upon a thread of arguments featuring students of your university and the one the team is going against. it’s all empty threats, seriously, ‘kys’ and ‘ur mom’s in my bed’ aren’t even insults at this point. they’re funny, sometimes, but you’ll never understand why or how they ended up being insults. ( honestly, you don’t see the potential )

“are you serious about heeseung?” a crack in the ice, hanbin's question catches you off guard, with a number of questions running back and forth in your mind before you settle with the one to respond with in return.

you blink in confusion. “i guess so, why?”

“nothing, it’s just i never expected it to be him, y’know, considering your history,” you think it's unavoidable, questions along these lines, they would've been asked sooner or later. truthfully, even you didn't expect yourself to fall for heeseung.

your history, what even is there to call history except blood and war? both you and heeseung have been up each other's neck from the moment your gazes collided. it sounds like a stupid beef between highschool students, almost embarrassing now that you both are nearing post graduation. with all the days that you’ve spent thinking about ways to get on his nerves, or worse— ruin his projects, it wasn’t just you who resorted to ruining each other’s hard work— no one would have known you and heeseung would ever end up on this note, with him chasing you and you pinning for him, all under the blankets of a silly bet.

“well, as i always say, hanbin, life is unpredictable,” there’s a smile dancing on your lips, a dazzling hint of factuality in your eyes. “besides, he’s a nice guy behind all the annoying things he does. i think he's pretty serious about me, or us, too,”

hanbin has noticed the way you smile at your phone. it doesn’t always happen, only when you’re talking with miyeon or a few friends from highschool, now heeseung ranks up on that list as well. he’d be lying if the uneasiness doesn’t bother him, it’s bound to surface when he remembers all the nights you spent complaining about heeseung. actually, the rant session included hanbin, you and miyeon, but she would rather go to sleep than listen to you complain like a child for hours on roll, leaving you and hanbin driving the conversation. he has lost count of the amount of times you’ve ended up crying in the process, or the amount of times he has hung up on you only to show up at your place late at night to make sure you’re doing okay, and the nights you two have spent watching movies and falling asleep on the couch, followed by the mornings gone by with miyeon being salty over the fact that none of you invited her to your impromptu nightover.

the thought of heeseung confessing to you still surprises hanbin, it’s one of the things he deemed as impossible since forever. and he can go, warn heeseung about hurting you, dropping all sorts of threats at the boy. hanbin can go on for hours about how he would make heeseung’s life a living hell if he ever broke your heart. he can prove the righteous friend that he is, but at the end of day, he would always be the third person between you and heeseung. hanbin can only assume so much about you two, not even sure if all of it is right. he can only wish so much for you to have eyes for someone else.

and so, all he does is shoot a smile at you. “i hope he is,”

the only time you step out of the library is exactly three hours and thirty three minutes later, to sprint towards the basketball knowing that you absolutely cannot afford losing seats in the first two rows. fortunately, or unfortunately enough, you’re not the only student going crazy about the game. you can swear at least a dozen came out of the library right after you, even though all of them may not attend the game.

you’re already running late— well, still twenty minutes early but that doesn’t give you much time to meet the team and secure the front row seats. and meeting the team is an excuse, let’s be honest. you want to meet heeseung, have a quick private talk, kiss him good luck, you don’t know; you wouldn’t. your head is in a mess, behind you hanbin is yelling for you to slow down as you run down the stairs. half of you is worrying about seats and the other half is wording her sentences out for you to say when you meet heeseung, and the team. you can wish them all the luck in the world, after all, it’s the university team and you would love to see them win. the whole craze about sports doesn’t feel real and worth the hype but things start coming full circle when you’re the one watching. slowly, as one would expect, but you are starting to understand why everyone goes bonkers during tournament season.

“damn, slow down,” hanbin huffs, grabbing your arm for you to slow down. “it’s not like they wouldn’t start without you,”

“that’s the problem. what if they start without me?” but your legs wouldn’t rest before arriving at the court. you know your words sound funny, painting you as if the result of today’s match depends on you. it feels crazy to be this excited about a mere basketball match, nonetheless you know it’s not the match you’re actually looking forward to. “besides, i’m more worried about seats,”

“i asked hao to save two for us. he’s friends with heeseung, i think he will do that much for his friend’s girlfriend or whatsoever,” you see him roll his eyes at his own words, proceeding to slide his hands into yours before continuing on your way to the venue, this time a little slower.

you have heard about hao from hanbin and miyeon a few times. he’s pursuing a masters in music, wants to teach violin professionally according to hanbin. miyeon has even attended one of his recitals last autumn, something from sibelius, if you remember correctly. he is popular, and you see the depths of his popularity as soon as you spot him on the bleachers, surrounded by people left and right, one of them trying to grab a seat next to him before he points at you and hanbin, and the crowd goes mild, ultimately dissolves as the players step in.

“i didn’t know heeseung had a girlfriend,” you don’t know what you were expecting, perhaps a few words of greetings, hi’s and hello’s since you two are meeting for the first time. anything, except that question.

“believe me, i didn’t either,” and why even is heeseung going around telling everyone that you’re his girlfriend?

the court breaks into cheers as soon as the game commences and yet, it feels a little quite. perhaps, it’s miyeon’s absence getting to you. had it been her next to you instead of hanbin and hao— who are busy amongst themselves by the way, talking about anything but the match— she would’ve been eating snacks non-stop, giving you a little talk on every player, like a resume. it’s take her fifteen minutes to give you summaries on players from each team, their achievements, girlfriends and probably even mothers, who knows. although, you haven’t attend many games with miyeon to pinpoint every good and bad thing about her impromptu presentation, her unofficial commentary helped you sit throughout the match. it feels incomplete without her, not just the game but days in general. it’s definitely her absence making your surroundings feel quieter.

so, long story short, you don’t have a clue of what’s happening. well, you do, a little. you know what a dunk and a three pointer is besides the names of players on your university team, but that basically sums up your knowledge about basketball. all sorts of voices are mingling in the air but you’re busy following the ball around the court with your gaze, occasionally cursing and clapping when the team misses a close basket or scores a comparatively difficult basket. the tension between the two teams keeps rising as the game continues. you notice sunghoon groan in disappointment as one of the players from the opposite team gets in a banked shot from the wings, scoring two points for the team. a part of the crowd goes quieter at jay’s failed attempt to save the score for his team, beomgyu patting on jay’s back while muttering something along the lines of ‘good job.’ involuntarily, your eyes travel to heeseung, whose expression stiffens at the sight of the scoreboard displaying a two-point lag.

a time out call follows as the players move back to their respective ends, and it physically hurts you to see the difference in atmosphere between the two teams, or the frowns on the faces of players on your university team. for a second, you even consider walking down to them as they gather around the coach, grabbing water bottles and towels while nodding at the coach’s words between heavy breaths. you catch jake looking in your direction for a brief second, a smile makes its way to your lips before he responds with one as well, proceeding to nudge heeseung’s arm and pointing in your direction. his actions are left with no response— it hurts a little, although you are aware that anything else falls after winning the match on his priority list— and they get back on the court as the game resumes.

“they need to catch up soon,” hanbin mutters, taking a look at the clock. and even if it’s just a two point difference, you’re starting to understand why it creates a huge gap. it’s almost like scores on a test. going from eighty-three to ninety then hundred is easier than going from ninety-eight to hundred. greater differences are easier to overcome; for you have so many rooms for improvisation and thus, so many chances at closing the gap. the closer you are to a perfect score, the narrower are the chances and it’s almost impossible to pin-point and work on every single weakness of yours within those two points. you’re pretty sure your words would hardly make sense to anyone else, but nonetheless you understand why everyone on the court looks more attentive, probably like meerkats on the lookout for preys and predators.

much to your disappointment, the play continues with the rivals dominating the court, giving low to zero chances for the opposition to get their hands on the balls. you even see a few of them trying to provoke heeseung, the latter trying his best to not react but you’re afraid he would start throwing punches if another one of the players passed by him with his middle finger up heeseung’s face. one of them, who you assume is the captain judging from the way he has been directing his team, goes in for a hook, immediately getting blocked by taehyun as the court bursts into loud cheers once again.

“that was a little too far for a hook,” hao comments, and you nod as if you understand his words and know exactly how a hook is supposed to be. you didn’t even know about a hook until now, and you’re still not sure what it is since all the shots look almost the same to you.

from that second onwards, it felt as if the control transferred to heeseung’s teams as they transition quickly from defence to offence, making quick passes and running the court, practically catching the opposite team off guard. jay passes the ball to jake, who takes a leap from half court, driving towards the unguarded basket. a quick layup using the backboard, as you hear hanbin name the shot, and basically everyone runs to jake for scoring two points for the team as the scoreboards displays a sour tie. it’s a seemingly easy match after that, especially when the players look like they’re back into the game. sunghoon passes the ball to heeseung who goes for another layup and fails, much to his despair, before going in for a dunk and scoring yet another basket for the team, leading it by two points. you see him passing a cocky smirk at the player from before as jake pats him in the back with heeseung almost stumbling in the process.

heeseung shoots you a wink before focusing on sunghoon’s words as they get back into position, and even amidst the butterflies you got by his recent actions, you don’t miss the way he stretches his fingers, ring-finger specifically, pointing something about the movements to jay before getting his focus back to the game; and you just hope it isn’t what you’re thinking it is.

it’s a slow game after that, no points scored, four fouls with two of them back to back, one by each team respectively. the frustration increases on the court, evident in each step taken by the players, groans and sighs fill the atmosphere and get louder than the cheers that have gone quieter once again. it isn’t until a few minutes later that all the players run to the front court as soon as they see an opportunity for a fast break with taehyun taking the lead, passing the ball to jay just a few seconds after, who passes it to heeseung— and call it the lack of efficiency or bad timing, heeseung bumps into one of the players from opposite team, an uneven balance, and falls directly on his right knee, as one of the opposite players throws the ball off-bounds to stop the play.

the medics take him to the benches, bringing ice packs and everything else before escorting him inside. you considered following him inside before hanbin tells you that the officials aren’t letting anyone meet him, probably until they receive updates of his situations. you bite the inside of your cheeks in nervousness, palms sweating as if you’re about to appear for an exam you weren’t informed about until five minutes ago, or maybe it’s even worse. the murmurs from the crowd or the group of girls behind you, to be more specific, do nothing but make you feel more anxious. zhang hao, being a sports medicine student, tries to give you an insight on heeseung’s injury, telling you that even if he fell directly on his knee and it could result in a patella fracture, or perhaps just dislocation— words that compel you to yell at him to shut up before he ensures that heeseung will be fine. hanbin does that for you, noticing your slightly panicked state, telling hao to talk about anything but anatomy of how badly a simple injury can affect a player, and when sunghoon and taehyun return to the officials with an update on heeseung and a pale face, you knew you had to run to your heeseung as if it’s the end of the world.

“heeseung,” you breathe out, stepping aside to let the nurse from the infirmary leave before you walk closer to him. the awkwardness between you and other players, namely jay, jake and beomgyu, besides the coach, rings all the bells to remind you that coming here was probably a bad idea. well, of course, you like heeseung and are worried for him, but the tension in the air makes you feel like you showed up uninvited. “are you okay?”

you ask nonetheless, voice close to a whisper, as you stand at a distance, looking at the bruise on his knee. the smell of antiseptic spray fills your lungs, nose scrunching at the way you could almost taste the diclofenac at the back of your mouth.

“not really,” he inhales sharply, exhaling a reply once everyone left, knowing they had a game to get back to. “look at you, are you worried for me?”

“i’m regretting coming here now,” liar. and then you let the silence carry the conversation with itself for the next few minutes. you don’t know what to say— what can you say? all you do is sit next to him, hands brushing against his as his winces at the slightest touch. heeseung opened his mouth to say something before dismissing his words with a heavy sigh the very next moment. you almost hold his hand— almost, thinking of holding it ever so carefully as if it’s glass with thousands of cracks, and then you’d kiss it ever so delicately, you did it— almost, but then, it’s just you getting upset over the fact that he played even after hurting his hand.

“so, they’re benching you,” you say in an attempt to strike a conversation, a little conflicted with your choice of words, wondering if he even wants to hear about something related to the match at the moment.

“of course,” he says it like a matter of fact, a fact whose impact doesn’t seem to touch him. “please tell me they have jeno substituting for me. i’ve barely been getting updates in the group chat,” the least he expected was for one of the substitute players to keep him updated about the game through texts, and heeseung planned to get back to the court until you showed up, taking a seat next to him on the benches in the locker room. you don’t understand why they didn’t take him to the infirmary, and decided to think it’s because locker rooms are closer and if there’s anything heeseung should not be doing right now, it’s moving his injured leg.

you shrug. “i don’t know, i’ll ask hanbin,”

“thanks,” and even though heeseung isn’t really fond of your friend for reasons that are widely known, at least amidst his friend group, he really hopes hanbin is of some use.

it’s quiet now. you can hear faint cheers buried in the layers of walls and rooms that stand between the court and the locker room, a few muffled footsteps filling up any spaces left in the air, here and there. you assume it’s his fans trying to check up on him, as annoying as it sounds to you for you’d rather have this moment with him all to yourself. you hear him sigh heavily once every few minutes, trying to ball his injured fingers up in a fist to allow the slightest of moments and ensure healthy circulation, a soft hiss leaving his lips at the sensation of striking pain shooting up his nerves. unlike heeseung, your attention shifts to his injured knee with a faint chill running down your spine as you look at his bruise, which now looks more bluish than it was when you had arrived, signifying the possibly alarming amount of blood that has now clotted in the tissues.

“you can cry,” nudge him with your shoulders and heeseung directs you to the most disgusted face in return. “what? it’s the finals and you’re injured so you won’t be able to play today. any normal person would sob their eyes out,”

“i’m not a kid, yn,” he nudges back, a chuckle slipping off his lips.

“trying to act all cool but you’re probably going to cry yourself to sleep for days, or even weeks,” he holds out his hand for you to hold it as you stand up, an action you give into without opposition, intertwining your fingers with his. there’s a smug smile on your face and he sees it as well, although only you know the way your heart is somersaulting at the way your hands fit his’ like pieces of a puzzle. “i know what you are, heeseung,”

he scoffs at your words, hands still entwined, a lovesick glow in his eyes— it’s your first time seeing this side of him, you’re glad to be one of the people to see it. silence has never felt so comfortable to you. the distant noise from court feels like it rushed on its way to you and heeseung, and stopped at the doors, as if you two are beyond its reach. you might never say it to him, but everything seemingly ceases to exist when you’re with him, and the world feels timeless. it’s embarrassing, cringe, and it’s making your heart beat faster with the way he looks at you. “you need to shut up,”

“make me?” a quick response, one that was supposed to be a joke, a joke which was supposed to be accompanied by laughter and brushed off as another baseless comment, but another second passes as you continue to look into his eyes, and you realise you’re actually considering it— leaning in towards him while giving his hand a light tug to pull him towards you the slightest, your other hand cupping his face as your gaze ghosts up his eyes and settles on his lips. when it comes to him, rationality is out of the window and your lips are on his’ planting the softest kiss at the corner of his mouth before pulling away like nothing ever happened.

a pause; you could hear the silence ringing in your years, eyes fixed over him as if you’re spilling all your secrets to him, waiting for him to take a hint. “what even happened to the ‘no kissing before finals’ rule?’”

and you realise you had actually forgotten about it, for better and never for the worse, because as you said and as he repeated, it’s all about timing. empty locker rooms, quiet hallways with not a soul around, your hand in his, his eyes on you— the timing couldn’t be better, and you know better than messing up and letting heeseung become just a closed chapter of your life. “yeah, i could care less about that,”

there are a lot of things you could care less about, like the cold metal that stings against your back as he pushes you against the lockers, or the fact that anyone could walk in, any minute; you don’t care, don’t know. his lips are on yours and his hands are on your waist, it feels euphoric the way his lips move in synchrony with yours, fitting like puzzle pieces. heeseung tugs you closer by your waist, a faint gasp escaping your mouth that dissolves immediately into your breaths mingling together. it’s intoxicating and is making you go insane, the way he manages to sweep you off your feet with the smallest of actions and simplest of words— from the very first day.

heeseung was right, and you as well, it’s all about timing. from the day you first looked at him in a seminar, to the day he switched to biotech— you plan on asking him why because so far, all your guesses seem implausible— down to the day he confessed, leading up to this moment with you pressing against the lockers and his lips against against yours. heeseung sighs softly, cupping your cheeks and tilting your head to deepen the kiss, and you could feel the heat of his breath against your lips when you pull away just when it was about to get better, avoiding his lips when he leans in to chase yours barely a millisecond later. your eyes shift down to his hand, one that has been injured during the game, and you proceed to hold it carefully, brushing your lips over the bruise lightly before adorning it with feathery kisses as his other hand travels down to your waist once again, pulling you closer. “you should go easy on yourself,”

you whisper the exact same words he had told you a day ago, traversing your eyes back towards him while your gazes have a conversation so foreign, as if it’s only for the silence to understand. and it’s quite literally just the two of you basking in silence as he rests his head against the crook of your neck, planting a few kisses here and there before pulling you even closer, as if you were going to disappear any second. “i think, i’m in love with you,”

and timing be damned— because heeseung confesses to you once again, and then he’s kissing you once again, slowly, sweetly, in love, and timing doesn’t even matter because every second feels right with him. with the same air of delighted indifference he comes to know well in the gleam of your touch and the curl of your lips, you simply kiss him back as if to say, hate to admit, but i’m in love with you too. and timing really be damned because you hear loud rounds of cheers as you feel his shoulders stiffen. a slight disconnection between you and heeseung makes you wonder if he’s thinking about the results of the game, which is inevitable, but this is about you and him, and nothing else. you hear the notifications from his phone go off, hinting that the match is probably over, and you pull him into another kiss, another round of selfishness guised as an outlet for him to forget about the game, another round of messy make outs, tasting the freedom of ignorance.

and then you don’t hear from heeseung again.

V. OBJECT OF ALL DESIRES

days without heeseung feel like they’re forty-eight hours long.

you think it’s a disease or some sort of withdrawal syndrome. this isn’t your first time without him, in fact, you used to do just fine without him in your life until you let him in. at this point, it isn’t even about not being able to see him— heeseung has been absent for almost seven days. you even asked jay about him to see if he has been in contact with any of his teammates but much to your disappointment, he disappeared off the face of earth like he never existed. taehyun has constantly been reminding you to not fret too much, knowing that heeseung gets a little dramatic after losing matches. you can take his word, obviously, a friend from highschool would know heeseung better than a girl who started talking to him normally barely weeks ago, although you couldn’t help but worry about him as seconds passed like water dripping down the tap, disturbing the silence.

you know how losses feel— like a part of you has been taken out and you’re left to bleed. it’s worse when it’s about something you’ve loved all your life. you’ve walked next to losses, hand in hand. when you know you’ve lost something while having it in the palms of your hands the whole time, the feeling eats you inside. you wonder if heeseung is feeling the same way you think he is, even if he didn’t show it a week ago when you had met him in the clubroom, the feeling starts to sink in when you’re alone amidst the ghosts of nobodies. even though he was smiling and acting like the little shit he is, you felt anger and regret in the way he kissed you. there was a sense of numbness dripping down his fingertips in the way they brushed against your cheeks, cupping your face. you could’ve been a sweet escape— it hurts to admit that the emotions weren’t possibly real, but you couldn’t blame him.

losing a match, to put it in your words, meant failing in a test; and losing because of an injury, it’s like skipping a test you prepared for, because of fever. except tests can be rescheduled for students who missed— a luxury heeseung, as a basketball player, cannot enjoy. even you couldn’t believe your eyes when the students on the forum started talking about the lost match, all sorts of comments going around, though none targeted at heeseung, fortunately. yet, your first instinct was to dial his number— out of reach, the first thing you hear on the other side of the line, and all you’ve been hearing for days now.

you had considered cutting ties with him, not literally, but as in stopping to chase him as if he’s the oxygen you inspire. you could’ve showed up at miyeon’s place with apologies, her favourite snacks and a brief explanation of why you did what you did, and everything that has happened as the consequences of your own actions. with weekends approaching, you could’ve planned a two-day trip with her and hanbin before the winter snow made it hard to commute— just anything to get your mind off heeseung, since apparently, you weren’t on his mind either. albeit, you end up doing nothing, no trips, no plans to see miyeon, it’s just you and your bruised heart with soju on the side. your mind is way too cluttered with thoughts about heeseung to focus on studying and at the same time, it’s way too empty to try doing anything else.

so, you simply venture down the hallways, drowning in all kinds of thoughts, good and bad. you can use the time to study but concentration has been far out of your reach ever since the match, or ever since he went underground, to be more specific. the impromptu make out session was probably his last straw— it makes sense. you kissed someone who had been walked out of a match because of an injury instead of consoling them. you let your feelings get the best of you, making everything about yourself yet again. you won’t be surprised if heeseung decides to ghost you for the rest of his life after that; or maybe, that’s not possible since you see a familiar figure sitting in the outdoor basketball court, spinning the ball with it’s axis on the ground in a directionless manner.

“heeseung?” you notice his back tense at the sound of you calling his name, head down low as if he’s responding with an exasperated sigh. “where the hell have you been? i’ve been trying to reach you— heck, even your friends haven’t heard a word from you in days,”

“not now, yn, leave me alone,” and an exasperated sigh is what it was.

“look, i know—”

“just, what part of leaving me alone do you not understand?” you try to speak but heeseung cuts you off just as efficiently as he does other things, with annoyance heavily evident in his words. had it not been heeseung, you would’ve left already, for you have more important things to tend to, and you’re certainly not interested in matters you’re not supposed to be included in, if only it wasn’t heeseung, and if only you weren’t crazily worried for him.

“oh, i understand it clearly, every part, actually, and i also understand that you’re upset and leaving you alone would certainly not be the best move considering the way you went MIA for a week,” and you understand his impulses about disappearing into thin air, wishing the ground eats him up or for the walls to cave in till he’s entombed in them, but a person as smart as him should know taking out helps better than thinking about wanting to vanish. “we can sit and have a talk if you stop being such an asshole about it. i’m down to listen to—”

“fine, what do you want to hear about?” he cuts you off in annoyances, the ball rolls down to a distance like your heart when you see the unfamiliar emotion in his eyes. “you were right. i went home and have been crying myself to sleep. i haven’t been eating well either. i skipped five out of nine mocks and barely passed the four i gave, let’s add that too. is that enough?”

you don’t like the way he puts it, as if it’s supposed to make you feel better. maybe about the bet, maybe, since he’s supposed to rank above you in finals to get around dating you, and maybe watching him lose is supposed to offer you some sort of relief— seriously, what you’re feeling right now is far from that. guilt, anger, shame, you’re not unfamiliar with those emotions. they eat you inside and it’s not because you’ve met with defeat, it’s because of falling off all the expectations people had, giving them another reason to point fingers and laugh. you could be really over-reacting, but if you didn’t have your parents telling you it’s going to be fine every time you didn’t do well on tests, you don’t know where you would’ve been right now. and you think you can play a part of the same for heeseung, if not all.

you sit next to him, nose scrunching at the sight of dust on the cement laid with cracks. that’s what you get with an outdoor court no longer in use. you can see little plantlets germinating from the soil, emerging through the cracks, the rusted ring catches your eye. heeseung huffs as you settle next to him, wondering exactly how long the court has been unused for, considering its lack of maintenance. “let’s date,”

and your words are not what you were planning to say or what should be said in this situation, but they still manage to extract a response from him. “don’t play with me,”

“i’m not, in fact, that is what i’ve been wanting to say to you for days. of course, this isn’t the best timing, but i don’t know what else to say,” you pause in what feels like embarrassment. too bad, his crush is not good at conversations. sometimes you end up nodding and blinking for five minutes straight before saying anything, after a person opens up to you with tears and blood. “and, i’m not going to tell you to stop acting like a child or whatever because the team lost such an important match and somewhere, you’re blaming yourself for it, which you shouldn’t, by the way. all i need to say is that you still have the next year to make up for what you’ve lost now,”

second chances come with higher expectations from people along with words that end up making one feel worse about their situation. you’ve already heard a few students talk about how heeseung should’ve been more ‘careful’— as if it was his choice to get injured and lose the match. you know it wasn’t going to be easy, especially with his injury that probably requires him out of the court for weeks, but you hope that amidst whatever he’s feeling, between self-loath and regret, heeseung manages to find himself once again.

“actually, i’m planning to drop out of the team next year and focus on studies. my parents were already against me playing basketball during postgrad, i’m finally starting to notice why,” basketball could’ve been his entire career if heeseung’s grandmother had not wished for him to go into the medical field. seeing the insides of a person makes him want to empty his bowel from the mouth so biotechnology was his next option. heeseung thought having two hands would give him the benefit of managing basketball and academics together, unlike how his parents had wished for, but his recent mock scores and lack of time devoted to studies is making him question his choices. “and what the hell were you on about dating, by the way?”

you’re half immersed in your own thoughts until heeseung directs the question at you— brows furrowed, confusion shadowing his face— you realise it’s your turn to do the talking. “oh, you know, dating. i think we should start dating already, it’s quite inevitable after that day in the clubroom,”

it is evitable, really, but you’re down bad— with all due respect.

you haven’t been okay ever since you realised that you like heeseung, and you’ve been trying to act normal about it, attempting to not lose your cool-hard-to-get-girl composure— miyeon’s words, and they make you cringe— while the thought of him is eating your brain slowly and gradually, making you go insane. if you were to narrate from where you opened and closed the door at, it would be a slippery slope, you don’t know how someone ends up falling for the person they despise. the yn from a month or two ago would be knowing, you can see her shrugging and getting back to her books, saying see saw it coming. ( it’s miyeon’s fault for making you even think about having a mind blowing chemistry with heeseung ) the you from two semesters ago, when he first transferred, would hate you and call you a traitor, might even write whore on a mirror while looking at it because you fold at the sight of hot, smart and sporty men who are perfect at everything, even at ruining someone’s life, like he’s ruining yours; and the yn from highschool, you see her squealing on the floor because oh, what a fan of enemies to lovers she was— heeseung wouldn’t even have been in the current picture if your highschool crush slash rival liked you back. the current you, well, she’s a goner, and in denial that she’s a goner. too much pride does something to a person, especially when you’re an over-scorer and an academic weapon. you’ve lost all your abilities of letting your guard down even once, refusing to give up and accept defeat, no matter how tortuous it is on the inside.

the current you is more like a victorian man looking at ankles for the very first time.

“and the bet? what happened to it?” he chuckles, of course, anyone would, considering the way you’ve lost after placing the bet with utmost confidence slash overconfidence. see, it never ends well, anything, with overconfidence, it doesn’t end well, never have and never will. and you, you don’t learn, sitting with the very well known fact that if you were given the chance, you would place the bet with him again.

“ah, i didn’t mean to do that, honestly. i was confused when you confessed, it was so sudden, i didn’t know how to respond. the bet was the best i could come up with,” miyeon was right, you could’ve used something along the lines of ‘i need some time,’ that day instead of pulling out a bet right out of your ass, and now you don’t know how to save face. at least the fact that heeseung confessed first makes you feel a little better about yourself. “c’mon, i know you love challenges. i was just trying to see if it gets you turned on or something,”

and heeseung scoffs in disbelief, eyeing you at your choice of words. “yeah, i feel very turned on knowing my crush dragged me into a bet that i’ve been working so hard for and she wasn’t even serious about it,”

“working hard? from what i saw, the only thing you worked hard for was basketball,” you raise your brows, a taunting intonation in your voice. a part of you regrets the choice of words, knowing that basketball is seemingly quite a sensitive topic to bring up at the moment. albeit, the slight fear evaporates off when he laughs and dismisses your words and nothings.

he leans a little closer, hands touching yours. “you never know what i’m up to at home,”

a pause; you look in his eyes and then at his lips, he mirrors your actions with a smirk on his face. you guess that there’s a second meaning to his words, not sure what, but the look in his eyes tells you something about it. “i think we should get back to when you were talking mental and i was talking you down,”

and you could grab his face and kiss him with no one around, on the unmaintained basketball court for the grey and cloudy skies to see. you could run your hands through his hairs and tell him how crazy he makes you while planting kisses down his neck. you can kiss him till both of your lungs are begging for oxygen, and that's when you'd tell him how he makes you feel— breathless and drowning, a little insane every time you see him flirting with someone that's not you. you can kiss him till the sun goes down and evening takes over, it doesn't matter if you're outside for the world to see. you would've kissed him if heeseung hadn't leaned back, looking at the ball lying stray at a distance.

“by the way, i’d love to date you,” he smiles at the infinite horizon before looking at you, as if waiting for a response already known.

“yeah, i figured that,” you try to play it cool as if you’re all knowing. it’s partially true, he did confess to you first. “let’s make another bet: no kissing before finals, and the one who ends up giving in first has to buy dinner,” you come up with yet another bet, your voice hinting the enthusiasm for no apparent reason.

heeseung squints at you, a little conflicted, quite unsure of your words. it sounds like a moment of deja vu, hopefully on a better note this time ‘round. “that’s not even valid, we made out not even a week ago,”

“let bygones be bygones, hee,” he likes the sound of the little nickname you've given him, unlike bygones, the word you use to refer to your very first kiss with him as if it's an unfortunate memory. “it’s decided then, no kissing before finals and the loser has to buy dinner, and i won’t be satisfied with anything less than a five star meal,”

you squint, index finger pointing at him, a challenging composure. another chuckle from him makes it’s way to you, lips curling into a faint smile. it takes you all the way back to the day you placed your first bet with him, with head empty and no logic, for the entirety of the basketball team to see, hear, and talk about it as if it’s supposed to be on the headlines of the national newspaper. your eyes spark up in anticipation, wondering if the two of you are down for another bet, one that doesn’t proceed towards failure, hopefully.

“the last time you did something like this, you ended up running back to me and asking me to date you,” he scoffs softly, side-eyeing you with a mocking gaze, quite ready to pull out the receipts if you ever deny his words. you hate how correct he is, all the time, actually, and you hate how you don’t have words to argue back.

lee heeseung, a nobody to you till he switched to your department, just some student who was there to pass time until he started ranking above you on tests and flipped your whole world upside down. you tried to not think about him and failed every time— still beats you why. you’ve never let distractions get the best of you, but heeseung, perhaps he’s more than just a distraction, or maybe he isn’t a distraction at all. he’s like a plant in your garden that you could care less about— should care less about, it’s growing without harming your plants, but it’s creeping against a wall with pretty flowers for show, and before you know it, it’s demanding for all your attention that you offer without second thoughts, unwillingly at first.

he’s the bane of your existence and object of all your desires, to put it simply and make it sound cliché. you’ve had your moments trying to run away from him, get him out of your head, annoy him to the point he’d prefer flying to the other side of the globe, or that could be you too, anywhere, far from him. but life, for the thousandth time, is unpredictable. when was the last time something worked out exactly how you had planned— can’t remember, obviously, just like the way you don’t remember when heeseung started occupying a corner of your brain, popping in and out at random times and disrupting your thought process. the more you tried to ignore him, the further he housed in your head, the deeper in your heart, closer, within your reach, as if for you to grab his hands and let him enter your side of the world.

and so, you kiss him again, pulling him towards you with the collars of his jacket. you feel him smile, a triumphant smile, as expected from someone who is used to winning. you don't think you can say you've lost, not at the way he cups your cheeks and tilts his head to deepen the kiss just moments before you pull away. “i always run back to you, don’t i?”

and you're a child infatuated with their favourite sport, a painter falling in love with strokes, a pianist dancing to the melody of rachmaninoff, a student addicted to getting a perfect score, a player addicted to winning. you trace back to things you like, you always run back to heeseung,

and you always would.

TEN MINUTES LATER :

heeseung plants a soft peck on your lips. “dinner’s on you,”

“fuck!”

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somewhereincairparavel · 6 months

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🐚 Daughter of Neptune headcanons list 🌊 part one..

Note: I've never done a pjo hcs post like this with the aesthetic pictures and everything- but I've been Itching to make a daughter of Neptune one, since I consider myself as a Neptune child. So this is sort of a self insert haha, and I thought it'd fun cuz I have so many hcs abt this, I've only over seen ppl do a daughter of Poseidon one.

Also this one has reader x Jason Grace as romantic pairings, but it isn't the main focus. Like I said, this is a self insert, and I love my bb jason ;) + imagine having Percy as a big brother, goals fr

• Okay so you'd come to Camp Jupiter at the age of 8-9, so you definitely have a considerable amount of childhood before you came to camp. Which only made it harder for you to adapt to the barbaric ways the Roman camp worked.

• Also, Since Neptune was not a very respected Roman god, your arrival was considered bad luck. Octavian made you go through an intense trial (that motherfucker was like 10 years old and an augur, and was already such a bitch lol) + forced a newly elected praetor Reyna (who was also just 10 at the time) to hold a senate meeting before you were even offered a position at camp.

• Neptune is very feared by the romans though, since he represented the harsh brutality of the ocean, so you got the Roman Nico di Angelo treatment from camp. Everyone was scared of you, flinched when you walked passed them. this was to your advantage tho, since you never got bullied, mostly out of fear.

• so Neptune temples in Camp Jupiter are only taken care of by you, if you left for a quest or something then the shrines would be in such a horrible state, bc no one cares enough to offer Neptune anything or even clean up his shrine. You'd do the cleaning and offering.

• and the worst part? Your dad wouldn't even notice you even after your efforts.

• okay, your powers are quite similar to Percy's butt I feel like since Roman/Greek siblings always have powers that compliment eachother, you'd have better control over the earthly side of the domain. Like you can cause longer earthquakes, control seismic waves, and make volcanos erupt + cause bigger avalanches, Stuff like that.

• Your water control was actually a little limited, up until Percy arrived and helped you enhance your powers. And you helped enhance his control over earthquakes, since his earthquakes usually only lasted for a few seconds, his dad is more water dominant. So when you met him, you knew he was a missing puzzle piece in your life. You'd even be able to communicate telepathically to Percy underwater, a power you both never knew you needed.

• Seriously tho it would be hilarious to look at, bc to the others, you both sound like squeaky dolphins but in reality you are just telepathically speaking with one another. The others wouldn't understand, and poor Frank would be so confused as to why you both are making strangled fish noises

Leo would troll you guys so bad for this lol

• your eyes would actually be black. Not blue, not sea green, just black. Your eyes would literally glitter like black obsidian rocks. because Poseidon is the calm side of ocean, hence sea green eyes for Percy, Neptune is the dark and scary side of the ocean, so that's black eyes for you. that difference would clearly reflect in your guys's eye colours AND personality (I'll expand on this more in part 2)

• but your scariness comes with a downside, you had no friends. No friends, except Jason and Reyna. it's just your dad's naturally strict aura surrounding you that makes your overall personality a Lil grumpy and moody tbh. You did have such a resting bitch face that wasn't helping either.

• Jason, being the noble boy he was, knew you were going to be his friend the moment you made a dramatic entrance to camp for the first time, getting scouted by the waves to New Rome. He knew what it was like to have a powerful, scary dad, but he acknowledged and empathized that you had it harder than he did. He was considered a golden boy, while you were considered a scary bad luck charm. But regardless of that, Jason was your first best friend. And eventually, your boyfriend.

• Reyna on the other hand, badly wanted to befriend you because she admired your mental strength, you were 9 years old and you were openly scoffed at by the legionnaires simply because your father was a scary man. Yet you handled it all so well. But she befriended you a little later than Jason did. Since she was so busy, she barely had any time to chat with anyone. You, Jason and Reyna bonded as a trio when you guys had your first quest.

• Reyna secretly shipped you and Jason from the very beginning lol, bc a Jupiter x Neptune union? Y'all were powerful and cute af together. The mutual pining drives her crazy though, like kiss already smh.

• Also, Nicknames! Your nickname was ALWAYS "kelp head" because your hair was wavy and shaped like seaweed lol. As much as you hated to admit it, the name fit a little too well.

• okay enough with the friendship stuff, let's talk about how much that bastard Octavian makes it his mission to make your life a hellhole. It isn't even funny anymore, he hated you from the very beginning. Not only because you were considered bad luck, it's because he envied that you were a direct descendant of such a powerful God, he couldn't even handle Jason's arrival, yours was just the last straw for him. He opposes your opinions in front of the whole senate + prevents you from getting elected as Centurion + attempts to prevent you from going on quests, bc he can't handle someone else taking the glory.

• He was also the reason you were put into the unpopular twelfth legion. The underdog legion. But Jason? That sweetheart made it worth being in the twelfth legion so you weren't complaining tbh.

• honestly? Octavian and you are famous in camp for your bickering though lol it's just always a back and forth between you and him, such burning rivalry and enmity. You LOVED roasting him and you were fucking great at it too. He deserved that for making you go though hell. You'd laugh like a maniac when he trips and he smirks when has the upper hand against you in senate discussions.

• Reyna is the only reason you both didn't beat eachother up at this point tbh

• once, Reyna came running up to you all panicky because Octavian went missing from camp. In response, you beamed and told her that you'd get the balloons ready in the dining hall for a grand celebration. Jason would burst out laughing lol.

• you'd steal his teddy bears and give them to younger campers, asking them to hide it from octavian. So the younger campers absolutely adore you, unlike the older ones.

• you are also quite the rebel in camp, JUST like Octavian predicted you would be, when you first came to camp. It was actually written in his auguries that the new child of Neptune arrival would be always shafting the rules, since the sea can't be controlled. It's in a nature for a Neptune child to walk their own pace (lol have you seen Percy??) That gave another reason for him to hate you.

• Even some of the lares in CJ would call you an abnormal roman bc you never acted like one. You were wild and temperamental.

This rule breaking tendency you had did earn you lots of punishments that included scrubbing the whole camp with a toothbrush. But it was worth it for you. Camp Jupiter sucked. And you were already in trouble, so what's a little more, right?

• you'd sneak out at night to explore New Rome, because again, the Romans had this weird bedtime curfew like. they have rules for every. Fucking. Thing. It pissed you off so bad. They wouldn't even let you explore the city at night? They were seriously wasting the beauty of the city, You'd definitely rope Jason in to break the rules with you. Like don't be such a goody two shoes smh. I feel like that's what attracted him to you in the first place. He's a goody goody boy with such a boring life, youd just make it interesting for him.

• besides, sneaking out is SO much easier when you can fly. So Jason is your personal airplane. The Jason Grace airlines.

• okay so after all your hardwork in the legion, you'd finally get elected to Centurion, after you successfully finished a quest to retrieve a lost Roman artifact, which was formerly Jason's position and he would become a co praetor with Reyna. But you were still very much disrespected in camp tbh, it just became an internalised thing for everyone to hate you at this point, Octavian was also great at putting your reputation under dirt, but you didn't really care anymore.

• now here comes the catch, Jason and you were sort of in a half-pining half-relationship situation, Before that jerk goes missing. because neither of you knew how to confess, and camp was SO strict when it came to relationships for some reason?? Like even dating has to be lowkey.

• you and Jason are totally the grumpy x sunshine trope lol except you're the grumpy, snippy and batshit one and jason is calm, levelheaded and optimistic one.

Perfect balance. Gosh your dynamic would be so cute :(

• you'd just be grumpily stomping around while jason stalks behind you, laughing lightly. You're super short compared to him aswell, so yeah it makes it funnier.

• You were in charge of welcoming Hazel to camp, since Jason and Reyna had some serious meeting stuff about the new prophecy Octavian told them about.

• poor hazel would be scared to death while meeting you, not just bc it's you, it's bc she just came back from the dead, so this is all rlly new for her.

• That's where you met him. Nico di Angelo. You'd bond over your shared mistreatment in camp. So you became homies w him fairly quickly. He saw you as this cool big sister he could have happy meals with talking abt life.

• you would be a little curious when he keeps disappearing off to somewhere tho, you knew he was lying about where he came from.

Okay part 1 of this is done, this was so long lol, part 2 would drop later, that's where you and Percy meet and stuff.

Update: part two is out! https://www.tumblr.com/somewhereinhogsmeade/746489087922520064/daughter-of-neptune-headcanons-list-part-two?source=share

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cryinginmyroomsposts · 6 months

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Svt as specific tropes cuz I am in a writer's block

a/n: these are purely personal opinions/ imagines. not proofread!

Scoups: enemies to lovers (I'm talking dagger to the throat enemies to "who hurt you" pipeline. scoups and his competitive petty ass would be perfect with an equally competitive and hot-headed oc. I'm talking sizzling chemistry, extreme frustration to tooth-rotting fluff)

Jeonghan: Frenemies to angst to friends to lovers (light-hearted frenemies until one day Jeonghan takes the joke a little too far which leads to angst and years of no-contact. A chance encounter during lowest times leading to a soft adult friendship evolving to a soft and chaotic lovers pipeline)

Joshua: strangers to comfort person to lover (he gives me a feel-good coming of age feels so I'll take a storyline with the heartbroken or worn down oc finding comfort in Shua who could be a stranger or a kind colleague. a full "we helped heal each other" and then moving away due to circumstances only to realise that you need your comfort person)

Jun: holiday romance (nana tour Jun vibes. two strangers in a random city who decide to spend a week having the utmost fun and never meet again... but of course fate brings them together and the angst of reality to eventually finding a balance in the paradise of their holiday whirlwind and reality... it's giving romcom)

Woozi: Best Friends pining for decades (A very soulmate-ish friendship. Woozi and oc are so extremely obvious about their feelings but are oblivious to the reciprocation- it's also obvious to everyone around them. The angst of "what-ifs", and ofcourse songs written abt the feelings, to angry confessions and happy endings. this one includes a lotttt of angst and dozens of bangers mixed with peak domestic behaviour and two ppl so attuned to each other like old married couples)

Hoshi: Accidental dance partners Hoshi and oc (might sound basic but I'm a dancer and it's a very indulgent trope... so yeah! I'm thinking college team dancers in competing teams are forced to pair up for a competition. Out-of-the-world chemistry- can't keep eyes and hands off each other, late night talks, "non-date" date nights and ofc anger issues(performers, duh!). Lots of parties, angst and eventually confessing. She falls first but he falls harder)

Wonwoo: second-chance romance (I think Wonwoo, I think angst(sorry wonu) and second chance. oc and wonu having whirlwind honeymoon phase until oc pushes him away. lots and lots of angst- confused wonu not knowing how to help oc. both of them miserable without the other... until Wonwoo can't take it anymore and makes oc lean on him for support. very gray and grounded in reality romance)

Dokyeom: Small-town romance (sunshine Lee Seokmin as a charming small-town business owner helping big-city-return troubled oc deal with life and falling in love? sign me up for the hallmark movie! Seokmin and his golden best boy smile healing hearts as always)

Mingyu: Arranged Marriage Trope (once again, a very self-indulgent imagination...Oc who doesn't believe in love after a heartbreak, Mingyu who accepted his destiny and never loved anyone. A very practical arranged marriage with both consenting parties. An agreement to stay "partners" and "friends" because they "Can't force feelings". Domestic life leads them to break every rule- written and unwritten... angst rising due to pasts and insecurity... oc's fear of abandonment, Mingyu's fear of attachment... a minor separation and major realisation... their very own happy ending at last! Mingyu Best Husband Agenda forever)

Minghao: Rival Artists with secret identities dating each other (Minghao dates the pretty stranger on a dating app, agree to keep things casual but lo behold they are falling fast and hard... all is well except both have secret identities as artists who are rivals. they love each other but hate the other's alter-ego... ofc this leads to miscommunication and angst, lost ways and breakups. but this is my imagination so they end up together after everything and conquer the art world)

Seungkwan: Celebrity Fake dating trope (Seungkwan would eat that shit up! Two A-list celebs: Seungkwan and oc, who appear together in a show and fans go crazy for their chemistry but they don't pay head. oc gets caught in a false accusation, needs a distraction- agencies make oc and Seungkwan fake date... on-camera they r perfect but off-cam it's all awkward... planned appearances to becoming friends, trauma bonding... sexual tension rises, life gets complicated, lots of angst later they end up dating happily)

Vernon: Falling without meeting each other (two online friends, fake names but authentic friendship across continents fall for each other without ever meeting other. against all odds they end up seeing each other eventually and staying together... this gives me old cinema vibes but in modern times, Vernon is so Vernon that only he'd be fitting)

Dino: High school fake dating (imagine Dino as Peter Kavinsky from To All The Boys I've Loved Before... a popular softie boy agreeing to fake date the silent girl, the only twist is Dino has been in love with her since middle school, he fell first and harder- a full simp! Very romcom coded angst and happy endings ofc- i just know Dino will make a perfect romcom male lead)

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sleepyric · 2 months

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Bnha Headcanons ⟢

໑Synopsis໑ How a platonic relationship would develop with them and what’s included (also somewhat of an analysis of character).

໑Characters included໑ Bakugo Katsuki, Kirishima Eijiro, Shoto Todoroki

໑A/N໑ This is my first write since my Wattpad days 8 years ago. Some characters could be a little ooc and there may be grammatical errors. Enjoy ! <3

Word count: 572

Bakugo Katsuki is a complicated and complex man. It’s not new to hear of the many layers this guy has, making it incredibly difficult to break down his barriers. If you’re a new student the probability that he would even regard you as anything but an insignificant extra is slim. It would take a lot for him to even acknowledge you let alone get close to you.

Bakugo Katsuki is the type of guy that would take ages to warm up to you, if ever. If you’re lucky enough to gain his respect, which would only happen because of your powerful quirk or strong willed mindset, it could take a few months. Becoming friends with him would be an even harder feat. Halfway into the year if you managed to gain his respect, maybe just maybe you’d be able to become an acquaintance of his but nothing more.

Being Bakugo Katsuki’s acquaintance would mean you probably are friends with Kirishima as well. Maybe you are in a group chat with Bakusquad, which is how you would’ve gotten Bakugo’s number. If you decided to text him privately, he would give dry one word responses or leave you on read. I could imagine y/n asking for homework help only to receive a simple thumbs down react and a “no”. Of course, if you really wanted help from him specifically it would take a week of constant pestering to get him to crack. He would probably say something like, “if I say yes will you shut the fuck up and stop bothering me?!” Or something along those lines.

As Bakugo Katsuki’s friend, you’re not going to get a lot more. He might be more willing to help you study for upcoming exams, and definitely would want to train with you (it’s more of a competitive thing to him than anything else). I could see him maybe just maybe cooking for his friends but only because you’re “eating unhealthy” and he thinks it’ll make you preform poorly while sparring with him… which would impact the ‘competition’. You might get lucky and drag him to the mall with the Bakusquad once in a blue moon, if it fit his schedule and he felt like it.

Overall, Bakugo Katsuki isn’t an easy person to know on a deeper level, but I don’t think it’s impossible. I’m sure with enough time and patience, along with his personal development/growth over the years would allow you to get closer. It would never be the same as what you expect from other people, so if you want a “normal” friendship he won’t give you that. I think in a way he would end up pushing you to be a better person yourself, fixing any bad routines or habits you might have. Regardless, if you did stick around and managed to gain his respect and companionship he would be there for you when it mattered (in his own way of course).

Kirishima Eijiro is a kind soul, with his own set of flaws. As much of a well loved person as he is, he is also insecure. I imagine his desire to be “manly” stems from feeling like he wasn’t good enough, or a result of being bullied. It’s not unfamiliar to hear him being a sweetheart to everyone, I mean this guy would love to get to know you as a new student. He would offer to show you around because how could he not help someone in an unfamiliar environment?

Kirishima Eijiro loves to help. I think in a way, being well liked by his peers is something he’s always craved yet never received, hence why he tries to be the manliest for everyone. He would hate for anyone to feel the way he did, and maybe still does? With you he’d invite you to sit and eat lunch with him and his friends, or go out to see a movie with them. Always seeking to invite you, and would offer some solid advice if you felt down about anything. It wouldn’t take much to become friends with him.

Once you’re Kirishima Eijiro’s acquaintance, you’re also his friend. I think he kinda skips that part when forming platonic relationships with others. Why not if you like who the other person is, right? Being his friend would be fun. You would be able to go to him for help with anything, really. Need help doing your hair? Awesome, you can even help dye his hair. Don’t want to go to the store alone? Perfect! He’s been dying to grab these new protein bars anyways. Movie nights are a must, you both would have weekly marathons with all your favourite movies. He would also love to train with you, totally not to show off how manly he is or whatever…

Overall, Kirishima Eijiro is the epitome of a green flag. Just don’t forget he has his insecurities. This guy has been through it, feeling like he’s not enough or unlikeable to the rest of society. He probably doubts himself and how others see him as much as he trusts that they are honest and true. It’s always an inner conflict with him, regardless of how he perceives to others on the outside. That’s why, he would do anything for the people he cares about the most. A ride or die type of guy.

Todoroki Shoto is an enigma, honestly. Not so much in a bad way, but with how complicated it is to get a read on the guy. His family troubles clearly contributed to his distance and lack of emotion comprehension. He seems even more challenging than Bakugo. This man is more detached than anyone, and his lack of ability to form proper human connection will make it hard to get acknowledgment from him. If you’re new and interested in him, you’ll have to approach him first.

Todoroki Shoto is icey cold, literally and figuratively. Not that he can’t warm up to you, or doesn’t have the ability to get to know other people it’s just so incredibly difficult for him. He doesn’t want to be a failure, having dealt with feelings like that all throughout his childhood. Never having proper support from anyone, including barely having any friends. He was a loner, so much so that it’s just how he behaves in social settings even now. It’s routine, and his normal. That’s why you would have to show him or give him a reason to want to learn about others.

As Todoroki Shoto’s acquaintance I don’t imagine he would initiate anything. He would probably be a dry texter, but unlike Bakugo it’s not because he doesn’t care, it’s because he’s just like that. Would also find it hard to understand any jokes you might make, taking them quite literally instead. He wouldn’t be unfriendly as an acquaintance per say, but you will often not know how he’s feeling or if he even likes you. That’s why it’s up to you to get to know him, and approach him because if you don’t good luck being friends with him

Once you’re friends with Todoroki Shoto, he’ll comply with any activities you want to do, nonchalantly going along with it. Most hangouts will be going out to grab soba or walks in the park. Simple things that don’t require a lot of socializing or other people. A private guy, prefers to keep to himself. You’ll end up dragging him anywhere social. Since Todoroki is sort of friends with Midoriya, by default y/n would be too. Almost like a trio. Almost.

Overall, Todoroki Shoto is an emotionally distant guy. He doesn’t socialize much, nor does he find platonic connections easy or simple. Despite all of that if you two did manage to become friends you’d be doing most of the work. He might not know how to deal with others emotions, but he would make for an excellent listener. Willingly listening to you rant about everything an anything, just being there and nodding along to what you have to say. He would appreciate that you try so hard to be his friend, knowing that he’s not an easy person to let others in.

#bnha x reader #bakugou x reader #kirishima eijirou #kirishima x reader #bakugo katuski #todorki shouto #todoroki x reader #mha #bnha #bnha headcanons #headcanon #character analysis #bnha angst #bnha fluff

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gatorbites-imagines · 2 years

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141 X Male Reader where they are surprised that Male Reader is older than all of them, (even Price) and still moves like he's 20 on the field and they all gush over him...

141 x male reader

Headcanons

John Price

- Google says Price is 37 but there is no fucking way that man is only 37 if you ask me. That mans gotta be at least 40. So, when you sprint faster than any of the others and move like a 20 year old, he’s honestly amazed.

- When he asks how you do it you just shrug and say you do yoga sometimes but besides that you are just like that. The two of you like to smoke together at times to take a break, where you two just talk casually and hang out.

- He wouldn’t verbalize it, but he finds it attractive, I mean who wouldn’t right? Seeing a 40+ man pick up enemies and throwing them around like ragdolls does something to a man. He wouldn’t flirt super obviously, but he does say some flirty comments every now and then.

- Because you are closer in age the two of you spend more time together, like going for runs in the early morning and things like that.

Kyle “Gaz” Garrick

- Gaz would look up to you but also thirst for you, because how can he not. It especially becomes a thirst when during a mission you just throw him over your shoulder like he weighs nothing and sprints away from enemies.

- He would go to you for advice when working out so he can be just as energetic as you when he at some point gets older, its also because he gets to look you up and down as you show him how to do certain exercises, but who’s gonna call him out for that.

- I feel like he teaches you slang that you don’t normally understand since there’s such an age difference between you and some of the younger recruits.

- He doesn’t preen as much as Ghost, but Gaz likes when you compliment him too, it motivates him to work harder so he can be someone you feel proud of.

Simon “Ghost” Riley

- Simon “Daddy issues” Riley would be the thirstiest if you ask for my opinion honestly,,, I think he very much as a thing for older men, now be it a preference or because of his past idk but he does.

- Wouldn’t show it but there’s part of him that tries to impress you, and he preens when you compliment him. He isn’t as good at hiding it as he thinks cuz the others definitely tease him about it.

- Does his best to keep up with you and has pushed himself too far on multiple occasions which leads to you having to patch him up whilst scolding him and telling him he has to remember to take care of himself.

- When you say you don’t wanna lose him because he’s working himself to the bone, he goes a little red under his balaclava, not that he would ever admit this.

John “Soap” MacTavish

- Soap would not believe your age when you first met, and its only after hes seen your documents that he begrudgingly accepts that you are older than Price but fresher than everyone else here.

- I feel Soap is the one who doesn’t feel shame to flirt with you very openly, like touching your biceps or asking you to spar with him, and whilst sparring he makes all kinds of passes.

- You would just think he was joking of course since your major age difference and tell Soap to shove it since his distraction tactic wont work, and that if he wants to get the upper hand, he should try something else.

- He would very much like when you pick him up and pin him, even if you don’t believe hes truly flirting with you. He does sit down with his face in his hands later because you just cant seem to take a hint sometimes, but it only motivates him to try harder to make you swoon.

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mysaintkitten · 8 months

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im not really sure how to start this fic off but ... when i was rewatching watching the detectives, i couldn't help but have some thoughts about neil after him and violet sneak out of the pool.

(drabble) prompt: your step brother wants to help you warm up after swimming (18+ MINORS DNI)

WARNINGS: stepcest/incest (when writing this, i had step siblings in mind but it mostly reads as straight incest sorry lol), dom!neil if you squint, implied age gap (everyone’s legal), grinding, degradation

*not proofread*

when your step brother offered to take you swimming, the last place you expected to end up was in a strangers backyard pool.

it was fun, you couldn't lie, there was definitely an adrenaline rush to it.

but now the funs over. you sit in neil's car, soaking wet, with no dry clothes to wear.

"neil, i'm freezing." you whine, shivering in the passengers seat of neil's car as little droplets of water run down your body and still damp bathing suit. you cross your arms, unknowingly pushing your breasts together, your hard nipples begin to poke through the thin fabric of your bathing suit.

"i can see that, your tits are poking through your top." neil chuckles as he points to your tits, making you gasp in embarrassment before covering the stiff buds with your hands. neil just hums and slumps back a bit in his seat, spreading his thighs apart slightly.

"i know how to warm you up," neil hums before patting his lap, signalling for you to come over to him. "come on, don't be shy."

nervously, you crawl over to him and hover above his lap, trying to ignore the conflicting feelings you feel from straddling your step brother.

'''s only gonna work if you sit." neil coos as he forces your hips down onto his, forcing a small whimper out of your lips.

"n-neil this-" you mumble and try to lift your hips off his, but neil's got a stubborn grip on you and he's not letting you go any where. he shushes you quietly before rolling your hips, guiding you to move how he liked.

you moaned involuntarily at the feeling of his warm, hard cock beneath you. your mind spinning with confusion and excitement. neil leaned forward and nipped at your chest teasingly, peppering a few small kisses in there as well.

as he pulled his head back, you noticed him biting your bathing suit top, tugging the material down with his teeth. quickly, he lets the fabric go and kisses your right nipple, teasing the bud with his tongue while still rolling your hips against his concealed erection.

"still cold, darling?" neil feigned concern as he ran one of his hands up your body, teasing your nipple with his thumb, which are now hard for different reasons.

your cheeks flush harder as you feel yourself get wetter, "o-oh, no. i'm okay now, i promise."

"but you must still be freezing, sweetheart. look how hard these tits are." neil taunts, sneaking his other hand down between your legs and cupping your mound. "unless, of course, they're hard because you're turned on."

before you know it, neil pulls your bottoms aside and swipes a finger through your slick folds, forcing a shocked whine to fall from your lips.

"oh, my." neil purred as he felt your arousal coat his finger,

"what got you this wet, huh? i was just trying to warm you up ... like a nice older brother would ... this is how you react?"

"n-no i didn't m-mean to!" you stammer embarrassingly, feeling your thighs shake weakly beneath you as your core only got wetter for him.

"you're a sick little girl." neil teased with a smirk, sliding his middle finger inside of you before slipping it back out and circling your clit with the slick digit. "filthy fuckin' girl." neil continued to rub your clit with his fingers while attempting to pull down his shorts enough to free his cock. and after one good tug, his erection sprang out, his tip already glistening with arousal. you wanted to call neil out for also being turned on by this, but you quickly realized that you cared more about getting your much needed relief.

neil dragged a hand back down to your hips, lifting them up and aligning his head with your opening, barely pressing himself inside.

"do you want my cock?"

not wanting to verbalize your desire, you nod and drop your head in shame. that's not good enough for neil though, he needs it to be more degrading.

"say it." neil groans, gripping your chin with his thumb and index finger whine forcing you to look him in the eyes.

"i-i want your cock, please..." you whimper, humiliation lingering in your stomach. neil smiles at you and slowly brings his hands back down to your hips, forcing you down his length.

your mouth drops open as his cock nearly splits you in half. when you finally bottom out, your legs twitch pathetically and your breathing becomes shaky.

"now ride me like a good little sister."

—

i don't even want to say how long this took me to write. LOTS of trial and error. I've had this plot in my mind for a while now but i was only able to get a little bit of it actually written.

#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy x reader #cillian x fem!reader #neil lewis #neil lewis x reader #watching the detectives #neil lewis smut #hope y’all like this #:)

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rainbowchaox · 7 months

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Qsmp! Missa and his Importance to Death Family

This essay I won’t lie primarily became a reality out of spite. People always forget about Missa when it comes to the dynamic of Death Family. Or act he doesn’t exist wanting to add new members. And this is a shame because Missa is so important to everyone that’s part of Death Family. And Missa storyline is about not feeling worthy enough to be with his family. It sucks to see people discredit his importance.

Missa always has and always will be integral to Death Family as a whole. In fact the name Death Family wouldn’t have been coined if not for Missa being part of it. In fact this is what Phil believes as well. They are death family because of Missa. Their family crest is literally a skull because of Missa.

Missa always even when he can’t be there is felt in the foundation of death family. He gets mentioned out of love. Everyone gets so excited when he does come online. And every character within the dynamic has trances of Missa.

People forget that when the egg event started that Missa and Phil were the pair everyone was jealous of. Fit numerous times have said he was jealous of their easy partnership. Missa and Phil had a couple of very good days. And Phil brain chemistry changed completely for his husband since. Phil adores Missa so much. Phil finds great comfort in Missa. Missa is his Sun. He lights up even the darkest days. And Phil always been loyal to a fault. Once you gain his trust it’s even harder for you to lose it. Once you are part of his flock nothing and I mean nothing can dissuade him. Phil is always so paranoid and so scared but Missa makes Phil feel like can just live. And not worry about every possibility.

Not to mention the children. People forget so many traits of Chayanne came straight from Missa. Missa taught Chayanne how to cook. He taught him lessons about being strong. He talked ages about what they are both scared of. Literally the first canon evidence that Chayanne is scared he won’t be able to save anyone. Or even the fact he wears a skull. People have forgotten the only reason he wears one is because of how much he loves Missa. And he does. He loves his papa. Recently it’s known that he goes to him when he is feeling vulnerable or sad. Missa brings him great comfort. He can finally feel like a kid with Missa. If Missa wasn’t Important this wouldn’t be a thing. And Chayanne is so protective over his papa. The most mad Chayanne has been is someone breaking up his dad’s marriage or someone making his papa Missa sad.

Tallulah also always knew how Missa important is to her family. Chayanne and Phil always only had good things to say about Missa. They never stopped considering Missa as part of the family (Despite Missa believing others lies easily that this wasn’t the case). Phil always saw Missa part of the family. So much he always considered Missa her father as well. And Missa because he is so GOOD. Such a great husband and great father. (There’s reasons why Death Family is called the Functional Family.)

And I have said this in my analysis about Tallulah. She NEEDED Missa. Missa loves her just for her. Chayanne gets to be the spoiled baby boy (which is always so cute and adorable, gives me cute aggression. He loves his papa so much.) and Tallulah gets to be the one protecting others. And Missa immediately calls her amazing and such a good protector. He draws the four of them as family. He draws his daughter. Not as the cute girl that loves flowers and nature. But as his warrior daughter that protects him. Tallulah always saw Missa as someone that is safe and someone that her family loves. And when Missa told her he always considered her his daughter. Tallulah heart was so full.

Missa in his family eyes is part of the family. No matter what. He is part of the family. Missa has trances on their house. He has trances on them as people. He is the soul of death family. He is their comfort. He is Missa. Their dad and Phil’s husband. Death Family wouldn’t exist without Missa. And people need to stop thinking Missa isn’t important. That he can be changed with anyone. HE IS DAD and THE HUSBAND. He is so important to Tallulah. To Chayanne. To Phil. He is the soul of death family. And he is so loved. Loved by his husband. By his children. They don’t want anyone else to be part of THEIR family.

#qsmp #pissa #death family #pissa newspaper

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mrmistakemakeroy · 2 months

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how i see "The helper" episode . (i have diagnosed adhd and autism fyi: everyone is different so take what i say with that context <3 not all autistic people are like me so please understand this is more based on my experience personally)

Really weird post i know but hear me out. When i watch "The helper " i immediatly think about having meltdowns as a little kid or just any age in general wether online or irl.

^ Like if you`re looking at it like i am, you can understand why id say it feels like hes having a meltdown / breakdown because something that makes sense to him most of the time, now makes no sense at all to him / freaks him out |

| (Being unable to help people because they do not need his help which he is not used to , thus making him react way worse then most people would sense it is something very special to him Like how people will have specific special intrests or hyperfixations etc) personally i freak out and get meltdowns when my pc is broken or needs fixed and i cannot draw whatsoever for long peroids of time. )

and how you / i would immediatly feel ashamed , nervous and guilty afterwards , or just generally exhausted or depending on the person feel like a burden on the people around you.

(also for this next part yes i know this is implied to be sylvia`s idea but it still makes me wanna tear up because it hits home way too hard) and other people will immediatly treat you as a "trouble maker" that has to be dealt with , punished or pushed aside even tho its something you cant help and sometimes cant even understand .

the dialogue espeically is a gut punch for me.

"ohh.. So this is the guy you want out of town "

" i get it " he`s hurt , and ashamed of himself. and its probably a stretch but i feel like this has happened before because of how he says " i get it . " then he tries to turn it into a positive as per usual to his character writing , thats how much he loves helping people.

its his special intrest / hyperfixation <3333 so of course he can try to turn it into something fun . and the rest of the episode goes on as he Does what they asked him to. and they immediately reward him for throwing himself out of their way .

(this genuinely makes me so mad i`m sorry fuck those towns people man you could`ve just talked to him instead GRAHHHH) and how he gets super happy after FINALLY pleasing them.

hes so silly :33

also this last bit makes me angry a little

"son"

"thanks" ( im going to eat your soul stfu /halfjoke )

"happy i could help!! "

"that makes two of us " (BONUS) ALSO I WANT TO MENTION the scene where he tries to " stop " lord hater. I feel like this is him being pushed to his absolute limit to a point he tried to do something very out of character just for the comfort and relief of "doing something good" like hes reverting to the basics of "being a good guy " just to get that comfort of helping someone again.

it reminds me of that Version of himself in "the wanders" where the piece of himself that holds his trauma / what made him want to help everyone is still not inside of him yet, and he goes on a rant about how he is going to stop lord hater

"wander are you okay ?? " "im MORE then okay "

"IMMMM PERFECT !"

"Now come trusty steed , its time to stop that HEARTLESS evil doer LORD HATER ONCE AND FOR ALL !! "

"wait what-" "stop ?"

"YES! i am a good guy , and he is a bad guy. " "AND I STOP HIM ! "

------------------- HELPPPPP.... seriously tho sorry for the long rant about this episode but it genuinely hit home so hard that i have cried multipule times unironicly because of it. Reminder that im veiwing this through my own experience of growing up on the spectrum (adhd + autism specifically) not everyone on the spectrum will be the same as me when it comes to this episode. I had to get this out of my system because it was eating at my brain sorry yall 💔💔💔

if i made any typos or worded anything weird its becuase its harder for me to write long posts plus as of writing its 01:17 on my computor clock.

#wander over yonder #wanderoveryonder #woy wander #wander #wander woy #woy #wander over yonder sylvia

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everythingmp3 · 4 months

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𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭

Tess Servopoulos x fem!reader

AO3 / part 1

after spending the whole summer apart, you finally get to reunite with Tess. nobody has any idea what you are up to as you spend a whole week together.

authors note: thank you to everyone who gave me such lovely feedback on crossing lines! a few people asked for a continuation, so I went back to this story and I am really glad I did bc it’s close to my heart and I had a lot of fun developing it further. this one is heavy on the romantic aspect bc I wanted it to be joyful and light and to function as a kind of escape for anyone who might need it! I put a lot of thought and time into this, it’s a labour of love, so I really hope you guys enjoy reading it <3

warnings: minors dni. smut (both giving and receiving), large age gap bc reader is in her early 20s Tess is in her early/mid 40s

word count: 25k

as predicted, the two weeks that Tess stayed in your hometown went by in a flash.

fourteen days sounded like a decent amount of time, but the number of hours that you actually spent together one-on-one was very limited. you tried your best, some evenings you´d go over to the place where she was staying and got lost in the heat of the chemistry you had, during those moments it was pure bliss, Tess was a devoted lover and made you feel wanted in ways you´d hardly allowed yourself to dream of before, but you could not stay the night more than a few times, since the excuse of “sleeping over a friend´s house” would have made Joel suspicious if used it too often. it frustrated you that you were so restricted in your movement with her, that you couldn´t go out and get lunch because you knew too many people around town who also knew him, it was hard not to grow frustrated those days because you wanted nothing more than to spend entire days with her, free of the anxiety of who might see or judge you.

one rather nerve wracking event happened a week into her stay: Joel suggested that you should all get dinner together. it was not as unbearable and awkward as you´d have expected, but still, it was hard to sit across the table from her all night pretending like you didn´t wanna touch her or kiss her or look at her with more than polite interest. for her it was just as hard to keep her gaze on him when he talked, while you were so close, your skin glowing beautifully, the memory of its feeling against hers clouding her mind with desire. towards the end of the dinner Tess excused herself to go to the bathroom because she had to catch a break, the heat of the summer day mixing with the heat of her need for you, leaving her a total mess by the end of the night, even more greedy for the taste of you the next time you both found yourselves alone. the one perk of being unfree in your expression of affection was how violently you made up for it when you reunited, more than once you´d sat on the edge of your bed at night, touching the bites and marks she´d left on your inner thighs, your chest, all the places where nobody would be able to see, a satisfied grin on your face when you pressed down on the sensitive spots and felt a slight pain, the lingering impact of her lips, her teeth, her hunger.

at times it did feel strange to lie to your father´s face, especially when he came home from hanging out with her, talking about what they´d done and seen, blissfully unaware of the things you two had done the night before; the constant sneaking around and hiding of your true feelings did make it harder at times to fully enjoy the feeling of being so obsessed with each other, that early stage of no amount of touch being enough, and yet you still soaked up all of the warmth and joy you could during the few times where you could just lay in bed together and forget about the outside world.

the morning she was going to drive back home, you told Joel you were “seeing a friend for breakfast” and then spent a very emotionally charged hour with her, which looking back almost embarrassed you a little because you´d sobbed quite violently in her arms once it was time to say goodbye. you usually didn´t cry in front of others but you couldn´t help it that day, you´d grown so comfortable around her and she´d made you feel so seen for who you really were, that being separated from her for weeks on end seemed like a nightmare. she put on a slightly braver face, holding your hand and kissing your tear stained cheeks as she told you in an earnest manner “we´ll see each other at the end of August, alright? you´ll come visit and we´ll do whatever we want, but in the meantime you should enjoy your summer. you better have some fun stories to tell me when we see each other again, okay?”, followed by a brief moment of silence and a tentative nod from you, trying to cling to the knowledge that you´d eventually reunite.

the days after Tess´s departure you tried your best not to let it show that it had affected you, but you knew you weren´t concealing it well, so you pretended you were a little under the weather and spent some time in bed, sulking and being dramatic about your lovesickness.

almost immediately after Tess was back home you two developed a routine. it was clear as day that she was not a great texter so you called each other about every other day, mostly at night because then neither of you were in a rush, laying in bed and catching each other up on what you´d done that day, her offering some gossip about coworkers, you offering some about people from high school you´d run into, asking more personal questions that you hadn´t thought of before, comforting each other whenever you´d had a rough day, teasing each other a lot, making the best of your less than ideal situation of being miles and miles apart.

generally, your calls were calm and relaxed but during one of them, when it had gotten particularly late and her voice was even raspier and lower in your ear than usual, the sudden silence on your side and your labored breaths gave away what you were trying to do, she paused for a moment before she asked “are you getting off to my voice right now?” which made you stop immediately, but after a brief laugh she added “no come on, it´s okay, let me help you out there”. from the moment you had first kissed her, you had never been shy with her about how much you liked her but in moments like that it did take her a moment to believe it, that you were truly that into her, enough to get turned on just from hearing her speak. it was both endearing and thrilling to her, to be lusted after that overtly.

she´d never talked anyone through it over the phone but Tess liked a challenge, so she thought about what you might want her to say and continued speaking, telling you how pretty you looked when you´re all worked up and desperate, what she´d do if she was there next to you, her tone soft and sultry, so she didn´t have to keep doing it for long, after a while of getting into it she could hear a sound that signaled to her that you were done, a sense of cockiness swelling up in her. a moment after you said “you should feel really good about yourself”, she smiled which you could hear from the way she spoke, of course she knew what you meant but she liked teasing you, “oh yeah? why?”, “why? Tess. I miss you so much that I´m doing shit like this” she laughed then, “well, we´re in a similar spot then”, “are you saying you jerk off thinking about me?” you teased back, “take a wild guess sweetheart”.

that night you had various feverish dreams about her, inspired by what had happened over the phone mere minutes before you fell asleep, which left you spaced out and distracted the next day, haunted by the visions you´d had of her mixed with the actual real life memories that were utter torture to think of. it happened pretty often in the following weeks that you had to ask someone to repeat themselves because you were busy thinking of her; Tess on the other hand was eyed curiously by a few of her friends and colleagues because they sensed an unfamiliar ease in her, she smiled more than usual, she was less irritable and snapped at people way less frequently than before, to a point where her closest friend straight up asked “okay. who is she?” over dinner one night because she knew that Tess could only be magically changed like that by a pretty intense infatuation.

towards the end of summer it was thankfully rather explain to Joel why you wanted to go back to college early, you made something up about getting into the groove of things before classes started and he was just glad to see you eager to get back to your life there because the year before you´d sometimes seemed a little fed up with everything. as long as you were happy he was happy but of course, the true source of your happiness might have changed his mind in that instance. lucky for you, he had not caught on about the fact that your enthusiasm had absolutely nothing to do with your academic life. the plan you and Tess had come up with was a simple one: you´d fly back to your college town and from there you could take a train to Tess´s city that would take about two hours, which meant you´d get there in the early evening if everything went according to plan.

she told you she´d park just down the road of the station and the moment you spotted her from a distance it reminded you of the first time you´d met: she was leaning against the passenger door the exact same way, but this time a bright smile crept onto her face as soon she saw you walking towards her. what she did then was very typically Tess, she didn´t walk or run over to you but let you come close to her, those subtle displays of dominance that suited her well, watching your slightly tired but utterly joyful expression as you approached her, waiting until you were only a few feet away from her to finally stand up and open her arms. the second she did that you dropped your bags and swung your arms around her neck, immediately nuzzling your face against her neck and making a sound of excitement as she picked you up with her familiar strong grip, lifting you from the ground for a second, wrapping her arms tightly around your back as you breathed in her scent, her hair soft against your face, the fragrance of her shampoo reminding you of the times you´d been in bed with her and had gotten an intoxicating whiff of it. “my sweet girl” she said as she kept holding you. neither of you wanted to let go, so you stayed like that for about a minute, wordlessly embracing and touching, eyes closed, melting into each other, instantly as comfortable as you´d been the last time you´d been that close two months prior. eventually you let go and faced each other, somehow there was an agreement that you´d wait to kiss until you could do it properly, passionately, in private, so you held her hand instead and waited for her to speak, beaming at her, overjoyed by the thought of having a whole week with her ahead of you, trying to soak up the bliss of that long awaited reunion, the sun casting you in a golden glow that matched the warm feeling you both felt in your chests.

she looked at you with soft eyes and touched your cheek with her free hand, caressing you the way she´d done countless times before, you breathing out deeply as you leaned into it because that simple gesture alone put your whole body at ease. “you´ve had a long day, right? are you tired now?” a subtle sound of concern, you smiled at her, still processing that she was actually in front of you again, somehow even more beautiful than you remembered, her hair slightly ruffled from the breeze, her face bronzed and freckled from the weeks of sun before, “well I was tired until like a minute ago, but now I´m wide awake”. she grabbed you by your waist then, enjoying your flirting, holding onto you, “good, that´s what I hoped. so how about we go home first, you can freshen up, relax, and then we can go get some dinner, how does that sound?”, “perfect, ideal” you said, leaning in to kiss her cheek while whispering “I missed you, so much”, an obvious statement but you felt the need to remind her, her hands lingering on your back as she let you press your lips against her face, “I missed you too. I´m glad to have you all to myself this week”. she took your bags from you and put them into the trunk, joining you in the car a few seconds after and it felt good to be back in that seat next to her since that was where your whole relationship had started, where you´d spent the first few hours of knowing each other, it reminded you of the fun you´d had with her during the beginning of summer, the nervousness before you dared to go for it, so it was a cute full circle moment, to be right back in that same spot.

“ah I missed this, your shameless staring” she said, grinning as she pulled out of the parking spot and felt your gaze fixed on the right side of her face, you´d gotten comfortable and were eyeing her with clear desire, unwilling to mask any of it. “well, you might get sick of it by the end of the week”, she shook her head, “no, never. oh by the way, here, I thought you might need something like this”, she directed your attention to the drink holders between you, which held two of the refreshments she´d seen you go for most often. “didn´t know which one you´d prefer right now so I just got both”, it was one of the things about her that had won you over from the start, her way of paying attention to even the smallest things, her way of reminding you that she cared about the details, “oh thank you, that´s really sweet”, you said as you took a big sip of one of the cold drinks, but Tess never wanted any praise for her little acts of service because she saw it as the most natural thing in the world, so she changed the subject.

“so, be honest, was it weird? lying to him about all this?” she knew that it was no small thing, to lie to Joel that blatantly about going back to college when you were actually visiting her for a whole week, so she made sure you were still fine with it. “oh it was okay. we get a little pissed off with each other when we spend so many weeks in one house, so I think that helped with me not feeling too bad”, she nodded, an amused expression “right, I get that, good to have some distance now I assume?”. “yeah for sure. but not just because of him, I was honestly just glad to be leaving home now”, that intrigued her, “oh yeah? how come?”, a sympathetic tone, you thought about it “I don´t love spending that much time back where I grew up. now that I have my own life, coming back there sometimes makes me feel so out of place and weird.. like running into old friends and seeing all the places I used to spend my time, it can get suffocating after a while, all those memories and old feelings”. Tess made a sound of agreement, “yeah I get that, I avoid going back to my hometown, I used to do it more when I was younger but I only do Christmas now, that´s it. sometimes you just outgrow a place and it feels odd as hell to return, huh?”, you nodded, “exactly yes”, she hardly ever talked about her family so you knew it meant something for her to share that information, you didn´t press her further, still, it made you feel understood and seen in a way.

“so, this might be a good moment to say thank you for letting me come here” she tried to wave it off but you insisted “no, really! I can´t tell you how nice it is to be able to leave early without having to go back to my everyday life already. you´re kind of saving my life by giving me this in between, I already feel lighter right now, like I can breathe out again”, she grabbed your hand, squeezing it a little, “well I´m glad, I want you to let go of everything and just enjoy this week okay? I´ll take good care of you” she meant it, she felt protective over you and wanted nothing more than to offer you an escape from whatever might be weighing on you, “oh, I´m sure you will”, you said, a suggestiveness to your words that made her laugh then, “okay, I wasn´t just talking about that kind of care but sure, that too”. there was palpable tension between you, you could both feel it as you kept glancing at each other, Tess was wearing something you hadn´t seen her in yet, the temperature was warm but not too hot so she´d opted for black pants that hugged her body perfectly paired with an oversized navy t-shirt that left her forearms exposed, you were also dressed in something that was unfamiliar to her, which left you in a similar state of wanting to get your hands under the fabric already. a charged silence hung between you as she pulled into her street and interrupted your shared moment of fantasizing, “this is it” she announced, pointing at her house as she looked for an empty spot.

“okay wow...” you said, clearly stunned. the street was picturesque: tall buildings, beautiful architecture, five story houses with little iron balconies out front, a row of lush trees on either side of the street that cast pretty shadows onto the sidewalk. the area seemed both urban and peaceful, it was very close to the center of the city so there were little shops and cafes further down the block that were busy during that time of day, she was pleased by your reaction, the nervousness about having you stay with her was fading by the second. “you know what. I think I should just drop out and come live here, be your trophy girlfriend” you joked as you both exited the car and you got a good look at your surroundings, she laughed as she got your bags for you, charmed by your enthusiasm, secretly into the idea of having you with her for good “enticing offer, truly, I´ll think about it”

as you walked up the stairs to her apartment, you noticed how nice even just the hallway was, the ground floor had mosaic tiles, the stairs seemed about a century old, sturdy and almost like something you´d find in an old library, you turned to Tess who was walking behind you, “is it possible that you´re hiding the fact that you´re kind of rich?”, which she could only laugh at, “I wish. rent-control, baby, that´s the reason I´ve been living here for ten years, I couldn´t afford places in this area if I moved here now. but feel free to believe that I am secretly rich, I don´t mind”.

by the time she let you in, you were slightly out of breath, steading yourself against the wall as she dropped your bags on the floor and closed the door, giving you only a brief second to recover before she grabbed your face with determination and kissed you, deeply this time, her hands holding your face as she pushed you further against the wall, eager, kissing you in a way that was not elegant or pretty but messy with all the pent up tension, her taste still familiar to you, even after all those weeks, hot and slightly sweet against your tongue, your skin tingling where her knee brushed yours as she had you against the wall, a series of desperate but pleased sounds leaving both of you until you eventually got dizzy with the heat of it and separated, smiling bright while you stood there breathing even heavier than before.

“so” she said, her lips a deeper shade of pink than before, “I think I should give you a tour of your home for the week now, right? be a good host”, you nodded, smiling to yourself, realizing that you hadn´t even taken a look around yet. Tess lead you to her bedroom first to drop off your stuff there and it was just what you´d imagined it to be: minimal but elegant, nothing showy, no bright colors, but an impressively large bed for one person with very comfortable looking sheets, the same dark wooden floor you´d already noticed outside the room that gave her whole space an expensive, chic feel. there was not much clutter at all, she was obviously a neat person, you could tell that she took good care of the few belongings that she cherished, no clothes over her chair, no trinkets on the dresser, nothing left laying around where it didn´t belong. still, the room had a distinctly warm and inviting feel to it, you could already imagine how well you´d sleep in there and she was glad to read the enthusiasm in your expression; Tess was only human, so naturally she´d worried about what you´d think of her place, if you´d feel comfortable staying there for a while, but those thoughts were quickly replaced by relief when she saw no hesitation on your part as you moved around, quite the opposite, you seemed elated.

Tess quickly showed you where the bathroom was but didn´t have much to say about it, so instead she lead you to the room that took up most of her apartment: her living room that was connected to the kitchen, a bright open space, one that made it easy imagine her throwing dinner parties there, which she probably rarely did, but still, the understated chicness of the place lent itself to fantasies. the thing that struck you most about her apartment was that it got a ton lot of beautiful natural light, it had tall ceilings and big windows, so during that early evening hour you were spoiled with a glow of orange-golden sunlight, two windowed doors opening up to her balcony, which looked like a lovely place to spend summer nights. it was very obvious that the apartment belonged to a person who was not that easy to figure out just by taking a look around, it fit her personality, that you wouldn´t have been able to guess much about her just by judging the interior design, other than the fact that she had good taste.

eventually Tess reached the end of what she had to show you, so she got comfortable on the couch and patted the space next to her, looking up at you with an inviting smile, but as you stepped closer you shook your head and lowered yourself onto her lap instead, your arm around her neck as she put hers around your lower back to steady you, glad about the fact that you still seemed just as physically comfortable with her as you´d been in June.

you held onto her as you smiled at her, taking a look at her pretty eyes from up close as you said, “I just realized I haven´t asked you a thing about the stuff that matters yet. so, how are you, really? is it still stressful at work? you mentioned something last week, I was kinda worried” you purposely put on the tone that a wife using to comfort her tired spouse after a long day at work, it charmed her, she thought about it for a moment as her hands wandered up and down your back.“oh I´m okay, sweetie, really, it´s getting better now. for a minute they were just giving me more and more shit to do because I get things done faster than the others. maybe I should start slacking off a little.. but yeah it´s good to have a break now. the thought of you coming here kinda kept me going last week” that made you feel warm but also evoked some sympathy, you exaggerated a little with your pity as you answered “poor thing” brushing a strand of her hair out of her face, eyeing her with tenderness, “I wish I could have been here and cooked for you or something, helped you out a little” she smiled imagining it, “hm, I´d have liked that”. “well I´m here now, I´ll help you relax this week, don´t you worry” your hands on her shoulders then, squeezing a little, gently massaging her muscles there for a moment, a pleased sigh from her as she shut her eyes, “god, I forgot how sweet you are..” you stared at her, tilting your head, “forgot?? I guess I´ll have to leave more of an impression this time”, a grin as you said this, still moving your fingers over the fabric of her shirt, she nodded, already fully back under your spell again, “feel free to overdo it, yes”.

she didn´t have to tell you that twice. you moved your legs to go from sitting on her to straddling her and leaned down to kiss her neck, gently at first, but quickly getting lost in the sensation of her scent, her soft skin, feeling her struggle to stay quiet and still under you until her patience wore thin and she needed more, so she tugged at the bottom of your shirt to signal to you to let her pull it off. the moment you leaned back again, she did just that, pulling it off and throwing it to the side before she grabbed you and kissed your chest, a low humming sound of pleasure, your hands around her neck as she put her lips to the soft skin right above your bra, biting it lightly because she couldn´t keep her desperation for you inside. you did her a favor and removed your underwear, so she could do what she really wanted, to get her mouth on your tits, messy and needy as she moved you from her legs to your back onto the couch, leaning down and covering your whole chest and stomach in wet kisses, overcome with all the desire she´d kept at bay during the time she had to manage being separated from you, your breathing interrupted by satisfied sighs. you spent about half an hour just making out on her couch like that, grabbing and biting and caressing each other in a feverish state of “I missed you” passion, and yet, holding off with actually fucking because you both knew you´d want to really take your time and do it properly later that evening, perhaps also because you liked the idea of getting hot for each other during dinner, having that leftover bit of anticipation, drawing it out a few more hours to savor the intense longing you´d both gotten so used to.

eventually, you suggested that you should probably go take a shower and get changed. you were eager to look as good as possible in her presence, so she showed you where she kept her towels and left you to it, getting herself a drink from the fridge and opening the balcony door to sit there with a breeze against her face as she smiled to herself, unable to hide how giddy she was over the fact that she finally had the girl she wanted back in her life, many days and nights to look forward to.

once you were out of the shower you wrapped yourself in a big towel and went back to her bedroom to get dressed, still high on the surreal feeling of being in her space, daydreaming about becoming part of it, not just for a week. as you looked at all the tops you´d brought with you, none of them stood out to, so you got an idea and stepped closer to the door to call out to Tess, “what is it?” she answered from the living room, “come, help me with something”, so she did what she was told. Tess didn´t walk into the room but stopped in the door frame for a second to take in the sight of you in your underwear and jeans “damn, I could get used to this” she said, looking you up and down, her arms crossed, you smiled at her, a sudden tingling sensation on your exposed skin where her gaze was resting.

“can I wear one of your shirts? please?” you asked, batting your eyelashes at her but you didn´t even have to convince her, she loved the idea of seeing you in her clothes, “sure, yeah, come here” she said, waving you over as she walked to her closet and opened the doors for you, “nothing´s off limits, pick whatever you want” so you started scanning the various fabrics as she watched you, absentmindedly tracing your upper body with her fingers, all the parts of you that were yet to be covered, the softness of your freshly showered skin making her space out until you said “okay, let´s try this one”.

you stepped in front of the full length mirror next to her closet and pulled the black long sleeve shirt that you´d picked out over your head, it was light enough for summer nights and fit you well, you fussed with your hair as she stepped behind you, she could tell that you were trying to find a fault with your appearance, so her arms found their way around your waist, pulling you back into herself as she looked ahead at the reflection of you both, her head resting on your shoulder, “you´re so pretty” she cooed before leaning in and lightly kissing your neck, turned on from the sight of you in something that was hers. you smiled and closed your eyes as she started feeling you up, “we won´t make it to dinner if you keep doing that” you sighed, so she laughed and restrained herself, letting you go and walking over to her bedside table to touch up her perfume, hearing you utter “god that smells so good..” the second it hit your nose, because even just a hint of her signature scent was enough to make you feel dizzy. Tess looked pleased, well aware of that effect, recalling the times you´d basically licked her neck with pure greed, not acknowledging your comment but announcing her plans instead “okay so, there´s this great Thai place about fifteen minutes from here, it´s my favorite spot, so much so that I actually never take people there because I like that it´s my secret thing, but I´d like show it to you”, you smiled, “so, I´m an exception?”, she nodded “absolutely yes”, somehow you could tell that she wasn´t just saying it to charm you, that you did occupy a special place in her life. “sounds good to me, I´m starving so I´ll be very easy to impress”, “okay great, come on then”. you both exited the bedroom and collected your things before stepping out, both giddy with the excitement of having a proper date night for the first time since getting together, no time limit, no rush, total freedom.

the atmosphere that night was idyllic, it was that distinct late summer feel, a warmth that was pleasant but not too heavy, the sun setting earlier than those bright weeks in June, casting the sky in a muted blue, little accents of orange from the glow of the streetlights, the sound of people chatting and getting drinks after a long day, a collective sense of slow ease in the city as you linked arms and started walking. usually, Tess kept her head down when she made her way through those streets, she was the type to just zone out and wear headphones all the way to her destinations, never looking at her hometown with much generosity, lost in a dull routine, but your presence was changing things for her; she found herself falling back in love with where she lived because she saw how much you were enjoying yourself, it was rubbing off on her, the way you looked around and pointed out all the details she usually passed by without thinking twice. for years Tess had refused to be present in her life, after a few very painful years she´d decided to just give up on excitement, on chasing thrills and had numbed herself as best as she could, pushing herself into a state of hardness that left her cut off from most strong feelings. she told herself it was better that way, to remain detached and untouchable, but you had come along and were helping her come out of that state. you´d given her a reason to feel again, to come back into her body, to be in touch with her senses and the world again, for the first time in ages she felt completely present, glad to be exactly where she was in life. as she thought all of this you could feel her pulling you closer, shoulder to shoulder, you´d missed it terribly all summer, those casual intimacies with her.

during your walk to the restaurant she gave you the inside scoop on a lot of the places you passed: her favorite spot for coffee, a cinema that she frequented, a bar that she might take you to later that week, the entire time you were listening intently, buzzing with the joy of being let into her life like that.

the place was located in a small alley that branched out from the bigger street you´d been walking down, so it was quiet and secluded, the kind of place that didn´t need a bunch of fancy decorations to lure people in, a lowkey but cozy vibe, a few lanterns hanging outside, little candles burning on the tables, vases with little fresh flowers around the room. you decided to sit inside because the doors were open anyway and a few couples were already sitting out on the terrace, so a table indoors would offer a little more privacy. the room was dimly lit and a delicious smell was stirring your hunger, a few workers busy behind the bar with making drinks, soft music playing over the speakers as a kind waitress showed you to a table placed two menus in front of you.

“so, go ahead and tell me what´s good here” you said, leaning your head on your hands while looking at her expectantly. “well I have my usual order but how about we share a few things so you can try more of them? we can take whatever we can´t finish home”, that sounded good to you, so you ended up deciding on both a noodle and rice dish, some homemade spring rolls, dumplings with chili sauce, and two peach iced teas, which she advertised as the best you´d ever have.

as you waited for the food she pulled your hands over the table, holding them as you both stared at each other lovingly. “I honestly can´t believe I´m actually here now” you said, “yeah me neither” she agreed while you both interlaced your fingers, almost like you had to touch the other person to be sure you weren´t dreaming. “can I be real for a second?” you asked, “please, yes”. you laughed to yourself before going on “I honestly went kind of insane this summer because of you”, Tess smiled then, not having expected that “should I apologize?”, of course she didn´t feel sorry at all, you shook your head, “I just need you to know how serious I am about this. like I have truly never felt this way, it was all day, all night, I couldn´t think of anything else to be honest”. usually Tess was not one to admit her intense feelings to others, especially not romantically, but in that moment she didn´t feel scared to do it, she wanted you to know that it was not one-sided, that obsessiveness you were describing,“yeah I was going through something similar, people caught on very quickly about what was going on with me, which says a lot because I´d like to think of myself as hard to read. but yeah, apparently it was written all over my face when I thought about you” you liked the sound of that,“really?”, “yeah, someone straight up asked me who “she” is because it was so obvious”, you were thrilled by the idea of someone as calm and collected as her being so shaken up by you, “and what did you say?” you inquired, leaning forward.

“oh the truth of course, that I´m having an affair with my friend´s college age daughter”, her dry delivery of that made you laugh then, “affair? that sounds scandalous”, she kept looking at you, “well I hate to break it to you but this kind of is sweetheart”. she was right of course, but it did slip your mind at times how odd your involvement might seem to others, since it felt so right and natural to you. “so, is that a turn on for you? that this is kinda fucked up?” you teased, looking at her with a challenging grin as she leaned back and eyed you in a way that brought color to your cheeks, a pregnant pause on her part before answering “no comment.”, a smugness to her expression that gave away what the actual answer was.

once the dishes were in front of you, she had a lot of fun getting you to try everything first, she wanted to watch your reaction before joining you in eating, and she was not disappointed, you clearly loved all of it, after a full day of travel a meal like that was exhilarating, the sauces were seasoned just right, thick and savory, the dumplings tasted divine, soft and pillowy, practically melting on your tongue, the iced tea was perfect, a great contrast to the heat of the spicy meal. Tess had a thing for watching you eat, her way of loving you was largely based on wanting you to feel good, in every sense of the word, so seeing you take pleasure in something, whether that be her touch, her words, her attention, or the things she gave you to eat and drink, it all made her feel like she was doing a good job; to her being your lover meant more than just having sex with you or spending time with you, she thought of it as her responsibility to make sure that her presence was actively bettering your life, your well being, so a dinner like that where you said things like “this might be the best meal I´ve had in years” made her heart swell. at her core, Tess wanted to feel like she had a purpose, and despite how closed off she might have seemed to those around her all her life, she´d always been the type to go looking for that kind of fulfillment in devotion to another person, the kind that is so deep and visceral and sacred that it almost seems sacrilegious to speak of it to other people. it seemed unthinkable for her to try and explain to someone else what you meant to her.

after you both put your utensils down and sipped the rest of your drinks, she had something on her mind, “can I ask you something?”, a gentle tone,“sure yes”. she thought about how to word it for a second, you leaned your head on your hand as you waited for her to speak. “you weren´t with many people before me, right?” you shook your head “no”. you saw no point in lying to her, you wanted her to know you and she was glad that you trusted her. “well, I was just wondering, is it strange for you sometimes, that you´re having these experiences with someone much older? you can be honest with me, really, I can handle it” the seriousness with which she said that touched you, it was clear that she wanted to make sure that you were comfortable, that you knew you could talk to her openly.

“it´s sweet of you to ask but no, not at all. I was actually thinking about this recently, the fact that I feel more like myself around you than with the people I tried to date in college. it just never clicked, I always felt like I was putting on an act, you know? but with you it was so easy from the beginning. I never felt awkward or weird around you, it was freeing in that way. i mean, it still is, so no, it doesn´t feel strange” she could tell that you meant it and it put her at ease, you played with the straw of your drink as you added “I do sometimes have thoughts about my age too, because I never want you to get bored or anything, since I´m less experienced in many ways”, she sensed that there was a hint of insecurity in there and she was puzzled by it “okay that is nonsense, really. trust me, I have been with “experienced” women and that doesn´t mean shit, some of them had no idea how to treat a partner or how to be a decent person in general. they could learn a thing or two from you, believe me, you´re a dream to be with”, you smiled at her, charmed by that answer, reaching out to caress her forearm, “also, just to add to your question, it should be pretty obvious to you that I don´t care about your age because you´re fucking hot”, she laughed then, shaking her head, flattered by your ever so shameless way of lusting after her “okay, sure, let´s not act like saints here, I also wouldn´t have invited you to my place if I didn´t wanna fuck you”, she said it that way on purpose to mess with you a little, grinning at you as your face briefly got colored in shock. “okay I see, that´s how it is” you responded, but of course you didn´t mind one bit, it felt good to get back into that familiar thing of trying to catch each other off guard with out of pocket comments.

eventually she got the bill, she wouldn´t have let you pay even a fraction of it in a million years, and you both made your way back outside. by that time it was dark and the air had gotten chilly, so she made sure to wrap her arm tightly around you as you walked back to her apartment, but before you could reach her place her attention got caught by something. “oh, I forgot about this place”, you followed her gaze and saw that she was looking at a shop across the street, “they have this really fancy ice cream, it´s a little overprized but worth it. you want some?” she asked, “yeah sure!”. it was hard to pick because the flavors all sounded uniquely delicious, but you eventually settled on salted caramel while she got a dark chocolate raspberry mix, conveniently there was an empty bench right next to the store, so you sat down and got comfortable while tasting the desert and nodding at each other in approval as the intense flavor spread on your tongues.

“yeah this is it” you said, immediately going in for more. she had her arm behind your back on the bench and watched what was going on around you for a while, before her attention was drawn to your mouth. you had no idea what she was thinking as you licked the ice cream but the sight of your tongue swirling around like that, the undeniable erotic quality of those movements, it made her rethink her attitude towards getting head from you. previously she´d almost always been the giver, you´d gotten her off here and there and you´d made it clear to her that you´d enjoy doing more for her, but she had yet to take you up on the offer, perhaps because she was scared of being vulnerable in that way, but as she kept watching you devour the slowly melting ice cream, your lips glistening from it, she couldn´t help but feel a heat between her legs as she imagined how it would feel to have your tongue on her, to have you savoring her taste. Tess was not one to lose her composure easily but she was getting impatient, she felt a violent need building up inside of her that was bordering on the unbearable, so she cleared her throat before announcing “I think we should go home.”, a weight to the words that made you turn to face her, the moment you locked eyes with her you could tell what she was actually saying, which was I need to get my hands on you right now. so you kept your answer brief “okay” and let her pull you up.

both of you were quiet and walked significantly faster than earlier, there had been a build-up of desire for weeks, countless dreams of each other, countless hours of aching for each other´s touch, and in that moment it came crashing over both of you in full force. the hours before it had been on a low simmer but in that moment it boiled over and you were struck by a need for each other that was so deep and intense that you almost had trouble breathing as you hurried up the stairs to her apartment.

the moment the door was shut behind you, she dragged you to her bedroom and you couldn´t help but smile from being wanted that desperately. she barely managed to switch on her bedside lamp before she turned back to you and kissed you hard, her hands on the sides of your face, a whimpering sound from you as you felt your whole body burning up for her; you both started fumbling with each other´s clothes immediately, almost ripping them off until you were left in your underwear, allowing yourselves a moment of admiring the other person´s physique in the dim light, your eyes drawn to her broad shoulders, her strong upper arms, the way her hair was falling down over them in waves, her eyes drawn to your stomach, your hips, that space right above your thighs she was dying to grab. you quickly pulled each other close to kiss again, feverishly and sloppier than before while she pushed you towards the bed, you were grabbing each other all over, wherever your hands landed, a force to the way your fingers dug into each other´s flesh that got you more and more worked up, it was pure bliss to finally have it back, that dizzying passion.

Tess backed you up onto the mattress, you were flat on your back then as she climbed over you and pinned your arms down at your sides, her fresh musky fragrance clouding your mind as you looked up at her and sighed “don´t hold back, please”, she always had to be careful with leaving marks while you were in your hometown, but now you were free, so she lost no time and abandoned restraint, kissing you all over your neck, sucking and biting the soft skin that she´d missed so terribly, your skin various shades of red in certain places, soaking up the sounds you were making, a mix between sighs and moans, not too loud yet but definitely getting there as she moved down to your chest. during the times you´d fucked before you´d always done it in a rush, worried your time was running out, but in that moment it was completely different, after she left your neck raw from having her way with you, you both hastily got rid of your underwear, you climbed on top of her, flush against each other, chest to chest as you made out, her hands roaming all over your body, switching between squeezing and caressing, yours next to her face as you got lost in the heat of the full body contact, the overwhelming sensuality, doing things that you hadn´t thought of doing before, kissing her arm all the way down, taking the time to taste every part of her that you´d spent so much time staring at, which was driving her insane, feeling your soft lips tender on her hand, briefly taking her fingers in your mouth, a low sound of pleasure from her as you messily licked over her stomach, her tits, leaving a trail of spit until you reached her throat and eventually put your lips back to hers, obsecene with it, open mouthed and moaning as your tongues met, your hands in her hair, both moving your hips as you kissed, increasingly desperate to do more, to release the tension that had built up at your core; without even consciously trying to, you ended up in a position that allowed you to rub up against each other, you still on top of her, grinding against her as your wetness mixed with hers and got you both to a point of pathetic whining very quickly, your palms flat on her chest for support as she stared at you in awe, her hands firm at your sides, both of you suddenly overcome with the need to sigh sweet things to each other, a constant echo of, “you´re so pretty” , “I missed you so much”, “you feel so good”, wrapping each other in the comfort of those words as you felt yourselves throbbing from the constant friction, the slick feeling of the other person´s heat against your own, the divine sensation whenever you found just the right angle and rocked back and forth like that, moaning in unison. eventually you locked eyes as you felt that you might cum at the same time, so you leaned down and breathed into each other´s open mouths as you finished, too far gone too kiss properly, remaining like that and clinging to each other out of breath.

Tess was gripped by the need to have you on her fingers, to feel how soaked you were from the inside, so she pushed you onto the empty space next to her, urging you to lay back and get comfortable as she moved her hand down between your legs and felt how soaked you´d gotten, a breathy, “fuck..” as she used the mess to slick up her fingers, a needy, almost pained sound from you then, “you feel so good” she praised as she slowly pushed two of her fingers into you, addicted to the feeling of your velvety hot flesh as she went knuckle deep, an almost animal-like possessiveness in to her physicality then that rendered you defenseless, entirely at her mercy, trembling with the thrill of being taken by her as she leaned down to kiss your chest, fucking you slowly to really feel it, the way you were throbbing, rocking against her hand. Tess sighed against your skin as she felt you turning into an utter mess for her, “fuck, right there”, you cried as she found the spot she needed to target, your hands gripping the sheets, your head pressed into the pillow as she sucked on your neck and made you almost black out with the double arousal from being both fingered and kissed, both your lower and upper body on fire from the feeling of her all over you, the ache at your core deepening each passing second from her relentless pressure on your sweet spot, your legs wide open for her even though you felt the need to press them together, “always such a good girl for me, hm?” she praised as she saw that you were trying to be easy for her, “so fucking pretty like this”, she knew what her words were capable of doing to you, especially when she kept her voice low and whispery, so she used it to drive you over the edge, her mouth close to your ear, her breath warm against your face as she had you trapped beneath her, working at your throbbing core, feeling you clench around her fingers as she kept whispering to you, about how hot you sounded, how many times she´d fantasized about doing exactly that, how nothing else made her finish lately when touching herself, your nails digging into her back as you felt yourself coming undone, “it´s okay, I got you” she assured as you tried to let go and let yourself cum around her fingers, eventually unable to hold off any longer as the climax shook you to your core, more visceral than the one before, biting down on her shoulder to stifle the sounds, which made her groan in pleasure, the feeling of your teeth digging into her flesh like that, an unexpected thrill to the pain, she´d have let you draw blood if you´d wanted to. for a moment she refused to let go, even though you were clearly spent, and kept her hand on the mess she´d just made, moving her hand up to your clit to tease you during the aftershocks of your orgasm, which you didn´t mind, it felt good, to be overstimulated, to be pushed into a state of total surrender to her touch, her impact, softer and quieter moans from you then as she watched you, mesmerized by the beauty of your face when you were lost in pleasure, “my angel” slipping out of her mouth as you eventually pulled her hand up to lick it clean for her.

once you found your words again you leaned closer to her ear and whispered “tell me what to do, I´ll do whatever you want”, an eagerness to your tone that hit her right where she was weakest. nothing satisfied Tess more than having you surrender to her, having you waiting for her instructions, desperate to please by letting her do whatever she wanted, but in that moment a different urge came over her, she ran her hands up and down your spine as she responded, “you still wanna taste me?”, which made you move your face change in an instant, conveying your clear “yes” with an intense look, it was like she´d awakened a hunger in you that you´d kept at bay, but now that she was giving you the green light, you felt yourself salivating at the thought, “please, yes”. she nodded, giving you a light slap on your thigh, motioning for you to get down to her legs, “go on then”.

even though you were switching roles of giver and receiver, she was still going to be the dominant one, and you wouldn´t have wanted it any other way. you your placed your hands on her warm thighs as you got down between them, kissing the soft inside at first, the part of her body you´d admired so many times, finally yours, as she leaned back and tried to let go of the slight tension she felt. it was made easy by your tender way of going about it, it turned her on immensely, the contrast of your style versus hers, she knew you needed her to be rough and greedy with it, while you knew that she needed you to be devoted and eager, it got her good, the feeling of looking down at a pretty girl between her legs, visibly aching for her taste. you briefly got lost in the haze of covering her thighs in little kisses and bites, almost worshiping her in a way, but you could feel her growing impatient, her hands moving to your hair as she uttered, “enough teasing, baby”, urging you to give her what she wanted. you kept your hands hooked around her legs as you put your tongue to her cunt, hit by how wet she´d gotten from your fucking before, licking it up in broad strokes before you pushed your face closer, your tongue between her folds then, her grip on you tightening, “that´s it” she praised, “keep going”, so you took the cue and turned it sloppier and more intense, sliding your tongue up and down in a steady rhythm, moving your face with the motions to add more force, “fuck..” you could hear her moan as her head fell back and her back arched up a little, it was completely overwhelming for her in the best sense, she was too prideful to be very loud but she could have moaned pathetically right then if she´d let herself, it had been a while since anyone had eaten her out and you were doing it so passionately, so clearly not just for her pleasure but your own too, that she wondered why the fuck she had denied herself that kind of heaven, her eyes shut, her body on fire, her mind full of only one thought “I love her, I love this girl, I lover her so much”, a sudden rush of adoration for you that could have made her cry from the overstimulated feelign of being fucked while she felt it; meanwhile you were also weak with the weight of your arousal, you could feel yourself growing wetter and needier as your whole lower face got coated in her cum, it was exactly what you´d dreamed of so many times, to finally return the favor, to show her how good it felt to be taken care of in that way, drunk on the taste of her, knowing that you´d stay down there for hours if she told you to, comforted by the feeling of being trapped between her thighs.

eventually she could feel a familiar knot tightening at her core and pushed your head further against herself, her fingers rough in your hair, which got a sound out of you that was whiny and pathetic, dumb with lust as you felt her forcing you closer with that move, keeping her hands there and not letting you move an inch as she struggled to remain quiet, “just like that, don´t stop”, the praise was all you needed to get perverse with it, your spit mixed with her juices leaving her skin and yours a total mess as you devoured her, switching from licking to sucking on her clit to give her a final push, an immediate low groan leaving her lips, breathless by that point, her hips moving upward as she felt the beginning of an orgasm spreading through her whole body, building up to a hard release as you kept your lips on her, nails digging into her flesh as you let her rock against your face as hard as she wanted, soaking up every little noise she made as she came, every move of her muscles, high on the knowledge that it was your doing, her unraveling. once she was left slack and intensely flushed, you slowly moved your face away and gave her thigh a last indulgent bite before moving up to look at her, your hand on her chest as you laid down next to her, the room silent except for your shared attempt to breathe steadily again. a few moments later a smile spread across her tired face, turning her face to see your prideful expression.

“you´re a freak, hm?” she teased, brushing a strand of hair out of your sweat-stricken face. “oh, you´re just now noticing?” you said, grinning at her, “maybe. I should´ve let you do that sooner, god..”, she shook her head, still coming down from the high you just gave her, gazing up at the ceiling for a moment as you traced patterns on her skin with your index finger, staring at her in awe, the blush on her cheeks, her messed up hair. “hm, agree. but you know, we can make up for lost time this week”, she nodded, “oh, we will, yes.”, moving her body over to trap you, her arms by your sides then, looking down at you before kissing you, not a care in the world about the fact that she could taste herself on your lips, covering your face in kisses, eliciting quiet sighs and giggles from you. after she pulled back she put her hand flat on your slightly bruised chest,“we should take a shower, I think”.“we?” you asked, in slight disbelief over the fact that she was willing to be that vulnerable; fucking was one thing, getting cleaned up together was another, and it was true, usually Tess did not do that with the women she was seeing, but she could not stand the idea of leaving you in her room as she showered, or waiting for you as you did, it was different with you. “yes, we, I´m not done with this yet”, she said while gesturing at your exposed form, so you smiled “okay, come on then”, still somewhat weak as you peeled yourself off of the bed and waited for her to lead the way.

Tess´s bathroom was tiled in a dark green color, so at night it had a cozy and slightly cave-like feeling , as opposed to the white tiled ones you were used to, you noticed this as she turned on the shower and made sure the temperature was fine, before you both got in and stood facing each other, your hands loosely resting on each other´s waists, barely a few inches apart.

a few seconds after the hot water started running down your skin, it hit you both at the same time, that getting showering together was somehow more exposing than having sex because your bodies weren´t in motion or in a particularly sexy pose, you were both just standing there, vulnerable, your bodies visible for what they were in their natural state. Tess could tell that you shared some of her sudden shyness and got an idea, before you could reach for any body wash, she did it herself and told you “turn around, let me do that for you, baby”, which she didn´t have to say twice. she put some product in her hands and rubbed them together to create some foam before gently moving her palms over your back, lightly kissing your shoulder for a second, and you could feel yourself relaxing into her touch immediately. the vaguely citrusy and herbal scent started mixing with the steam of the water and gave the shower a spa like feeling, she moved her hands all over you in deliberate gentle motions, enjoying the sensation of your soft skin coated in the creamy soap, almost hypnotized by it, she could have kept doing that for a while, so she made a mental note of offering you a massage sometime. “that feels nice” you sighed as you leaned back against her a little, and she couldn´t help but move her hands to your chest then to pull you even closer, her hands briefly over your tits, the hint of a moan leaving you then, which didn´t escape her, so she kept her fingers there for a moment, a smile on your face as your head rested against her shoulder, “I think I´ll pass out if you actually try to do anything right now”, your body was already exhausted from before and you felt the heat sinking into your limbs, leaving you relaxed but also hot enough to a point where you suspected that extreme arousal might actually make you lose consciousness. Tess smiled too then, “well we don´t want that, do we”, but as she said that you abruptly turned around and put your hands on her neck, staring at her as you pressed yourself against her to transfer some of the soap onto her, the feeling of it somehow more intense than you both expected, being chest to chest while water and foam were slicking you up, so you leaned in to kiss her, only briefly, but she pulled you back in the moment she could feel space between your lips again, she had no desire to stop as she felt you submitting to her force but it didn´t take long for her to lose her breath, so you both ended up standing there panting, desperate for air because the room was all fogged up.

both of you laughed then, “we´re fucking losing it” you said, hugging her as you closed your eyes and felt her wet chest against yours, “yeah I´m done for, we need to get out before we overheat and die”, so you both rinsed off together and stepped out, wrapping yourselves in big towels.

as you dried off and stood on the shower mat, your gaze fell to the sink, “two toothbrushes?” you exclaimed, exaggerating a scandalized tone, “is this the point where you confess to me that you´ve had a girlfriend all along?”. Tess shook her head, “yeah you figured it all out, I´m just using you to cheat, sorry” her tone dripping in irony, you couldn´t help but smile then as she pointed at what you were referring to, “that´s a fresh one for you, genius, because I know how easy it is to forget shit like that”. of course she was right, you could recall countless times of cursing yourself for not having packed something small but important like deodorant or toothpaste and you were charmed by her considerate ways, the idea of her wondering what you might need before you´d come to her place.“that´s really cute, thank you” but ,as always, she didn´t wanna hear it, so you quietly joined her by the sink and kept looking at her with soft eyes as you both brushed your teeth. Tess was facing the mirror but she could feel your gaze on her side profile and let herself enjoy it, not turning to you, just soaking up that quiet moment of intimacy, the sensation of having your undivided loving attention.

once you were both dressed in comfortable nightwear and back in bed you couldn´t help but smile to yourself as got comfortable under the covers, you were content to your core, thrilled by the fact that you were finally gonna sleep next to her again. you felt a delicious sense of satisfaction over the fact that nobody had any idea what you were doing, that it was your secret, in a sense it made you feel powerful, to have your joy all to yourself like that, without any witnesses but her. Tess looked down at you, pride bubbling up in her over the fact that you clearly loved your situation, “happy?”, she asked, knowing the answer, you nodded, moving yourself closer to her, “yeah this is perfect. god this mattress is like a cloud, my bed is not nearly this nice”, she smiled, her hand on top of the blanket that you´d pulled up to your shoulders, “well, I have a hot tip for you then, when you eventually get your own place, splurge on your bed instead of fancy decoration or furniture. trust me, your back will start hurting soon enough”. you laughed, “okay, noted. sweet of you to assume I´ll make enough money to have my own apartment, with the housing market as it is.. let's see about that one”, she smiled, “you have a point, yes. but I have faith, if everything fails, something tells me you won´t have trouble finding some older richer woman to take you in”, you joined in on the joke, “right, I´m getting great practice here. except for the rich part of course”.

she leaned down to kiss you, more tenderly than before, light kisses that didn´t burn but calm you, she liked having you under her, so she stayed like that for a moment until she got more comfortable next to you, sinking further down into her pillow. you remembered something then.

“I saw a book on your nightstand earlier”, “yes..” she said, a hint of apprehension in there, “what is it?” you asked, looking at her expectantly. “I actually haven't picked it up in ages”, her tone less unwavering than usual, “yes, I´m listening”, you could tell she was dodging the question. “okay but don´t you dare laugh”. “laugh?? what.. is it some trashy romance novel? weird erotica?”, she shoved your arm then, “no! is that what you think of me? really?”, you shrugged, “hey I have no idea what you´re into”. you were expecting something embarrassing but it turned out to be the exact opposite. she reached over to grab the book, holding it out to you so you could read the title yourself, you recognized the name on the cover. “Mary Oliver? you think I´d make fun of you for reading one of the best poets of all time? Tess come on, do you think I´m an asshole?”, she was relieved, for some reason she´d felt shy about admitting a more private interest of hers to you, “no of course not, I don´t know. I guess it just doesn´t really fit my image, does it?”, “your image? you really don´t want people to know you feel things deeply, hm? a bit too late with me, hate to break it to you, love”, she smiled then, at the casual use of the word “love”, and because it was true, there was no need to pretend around you, you´d already seen her at her most romantic and vulnerable, so she opened up a little. “it´s actually the one book I´ve had the longest. one day when I was in my late 20s I was going through it, like truly the worst fucking day ever, and for some reason ended up in a bookstore. I was just browsing, kind of losing my mind, and then came across this collection. I guess I liked that the poems were hopeful without being corny or overwrought. I kept going back to it whenever I was kind of.. I don´t know, lost?”. you gave that confession a few moments of respectful silence before saying, “that´s really sweet”. it was touching to you, that she was so shy about the fragile parts of herself, the ones that she had probably kept to herself for most of her life, concealed by her very convincingly tough aura.

“actually, could you maybe read me some of those”, you asked her, which made her turn to face you again, “what, like a bedtime story?” slightly confused, “no, just.. I like your voice. I like hearing you speak”. “yeah I am well aware, ever since a certain phone call a few weeks ago” she said with a smug expression, “oh shut up, this isn´t about that, I am trying to be sincere. I am asking you to read to me because I-” you almost slipped up and said “because I love you”, you saved yourself before the words could come out, but your abrupt pause was a giveaway, she knew what you´d thought, and it hit her, but she let it go, though she wouldn´t forget it, “because it would soothe me” you said instead. “okay, okay let me see if I can find some favorites. come over here” she said, pulling you closer, your head against her side then as she had put her arm around your back.

“I don´t have any practice of course, so bear with me” she prefaced, but the moment she read the first few words out loud, you were sucked into it immediately, the slow rhythm of it, the humm in her chest that you could feel because you were pressed against her, the deliberate pauses she made, it was deeply relaxing to listen to, so you closed your eyes. after a few verses she stopped, unsure if you´d want her to continue, but you urged her “hm you´re good at this, go on”, so she did, remembering the parts of certain poems she´d held close to her heart when she was younger, a sweet contrast, to be sharing something with a lover that she´d often turned to when she had been at her loneliest. a few minutes in, Tess could feel your drifting off, your breathing became slower and your head became heavier, so eventually she quietly put the book down and stayed like that, her fingers lightly running up down your spine as you fell asleep in her embrace. for a while she did not allow herself to move because she loved the feeling of having you nestled against her like that, but eventually her eyes got heavy and she switched off her bedside lamp, moving herself down to lay her head near yours, your breath warm against her face as she joined you in a dreamless sleep.

all the intense impressions from the day before had made it so that you both slept through the night without any interruptions, so by the time you first woke up the next day it was already around 9 am. for a while you laid there half-conscious, sprawled out comfortably over her large bed, your arms stretched out on either side, which eventually signaled to you that you were alone. reliably, Tess had gotten up before you, you were well aware by then that she was not the type to sleep in late, even on her off days, so you forced yourself to wake up for good and join her.

as you walked into the living room, slightly self-conscious about your disheveled appearance, she had her back turned because she was busy with the coffee machine, so a few seconds into watching her you cleared your throat, a bright smile on your face as she turned around, “oh hey! perfect timing, I just got done with this” she said, pointing at the table. the first thing that caught your eye was a vase filled with beautiful flowers, the kind that almost looked like they grew in the wild, dainty but colorful, shades of lilac and pink, they hadn´t been there the day before. “wow, those are stunning. wait, you were outside already?”, you asked, she nodded as she came over to you and gave you a light kiss on the cheek before urging you to sit down with her, “yeah, I wanted to make this a little nicer than just.. you know boring old toast. we have this bakery around here, I don´t often get stuff for myself but I thought you´d like it. oh and these yeah, I recall you liking flowers so, they stood out to me”. she said it all so nonchalantly but it was really special to you, that she´d gone out of her way to do all that because you´d have been fine with much less, you still felt a bit of sleep in your eyes as you looked at what was in front of you, “drink something first” she ordered, pointing at the three glasses of water, juice, and coffee in front of you, so you did, as she went on to explain what she´d bought. “okay, so, this one is a croissant with pistachio filling, it´s kind of what they´re known for, but I really like the white and dark chocolate swirl one so if you want we can share”, you agreed, watching her rip them both in two, placing the halves on your plate and watching you closely as you tried them, “oh wow, that´s fucking good” you said as the intense sweet flavor hit your tongue, she leaned back, satisfied, successful in her attempt to start your day off in an ideal way.

“you know, it´s kind of unfair that you always get dressed before me” you bemoaned, gesturing at her outfit as you both ate, “you always look better than me in the morning”, she shook her head, her mouth still half full as she mumbled “bullshit. that´s your warped perception, trust me, most people would prefer waking up to that” a wave of her hand in your direction as she said this. “well, not everyone has good taste, so” you joked, grinning at her, “right, and you do?��, she couldn´t deny that it felt good to be accused of upstaging you in the looks department even thought she vehemently disagreed. “clearly, look at this, I´m spoiled as hell”, she couldn´t really argue with that, still, she wondered if you actually thought you looked worse than her in that moment, because she had a hard time keeping herself from letting you finish your meal uninterrupted. she´d have liked to go over to you to slip her hand under your shirt, to feel your skin that was still warm from sleep.

for a while you both leisurely emptied your plates and cups and talked about whatever came to mind, enjoying the feeling of a slow summer morning, of sharing a domestic kind of intimacy. “so, what are we doing today?” you asked her eventually, eager to do whatever she wanted, your eyes glimmering with excitement at the thought of still having the whole day ahead of you. “well, I have an idea, but I´m gonna need you to hear me out...” she seemed slightly unsure, so you wondered what was gonna come “sure, tell me”. “okay, so, about 45 minutes outside of the city there´s this really beautiful hike but not the boring kind, trust me, it´s not just an endless fucking trail, it´s this forest landscape with a bunch of little rivers and a lake, I went there a lot when I was younger, and since it´s a weekday I doubt we´d run into many people. also-” you interrupted her then, “you don´t have to convince me Tess, I´m down, let´s do it. do you think I´m that unathletic, that I´m scared of a hike?” you said, smiling and giving her a questioning look, she smiled too then, “well I guess I´ll see what we´re working with once we´re there, right?”. “you´re scared you´ll have to carry me once I get tired, huh?” you teased, “oh, you´d like that wouldn´t you” she said, “probably yeah. but don´t worry, I´ll manage. in fact, maybe I´ll have to support you in the end, you know, since you´re..”, “old?” she finished the sentence for you, acting offended, “I´m not 70 sweetie, so let´s see who has to take a break first” she challenged you, leaning forward as she said it, you returned the energy, “won´t be me”, even though you knew she could probably triumph over you in terms of endurance, something told you she wasn´t the type to ever admit that she felt weak, both emotionally and physically.

after breakfast you spent some time on the couch, you half on her lap, her hands on you, a soft lazy exchange of touches and kisses until it was around 11:00 and you mustered up the energy to get ready as well.

by noon you were in her car, sharing a bottle of ice cold water because it was already warming up by that hour, the windows down and the radio playing as you found all kinds of things to talk about: classes you were gonna take in the new year, jokes from her side about you probably being a teacher´s pet considering you talent for charming people her age, you grilling her about details from work, gossip she could share, trying but failing to get her to spill some stuff about exes of hers, whether you fit her usual type, if she even had one, but Tess was steadfast in her refusal to share any of that, leaving you to tease her with speculations like “I bet there was some hot intern at work you had a thing with. maybe you fucked in the office or something, is that it?” until you reached your destination and quit the banter.

she hadn´t over-promised, the area was absolutely stunning; trees as tall as buildings as far as the eye could reach. you were at the beginning of a path that had a slow incline and would lead you to the top of a hill, the thick row of trees would offer enough shade for it to be an enjoyable hike and the little patches of flowers and plants you had never seen before offered enough to keep your eyes busy.

the first half hour passed very quickly, both you and Tess kept pointing out things to each other, stopping every now and then to inspect certain kinds of berries of particularly colorful kinds of flowers, her teasing you by ripping out some leaves and running them over your skin to catch you off guard with the sensation, getting a high pitched squeal out of you that made her bend over in laughter and earned her a kick to the shin from you. you liked watching her as you made your way deeper into the forest, it was hot to you, seeing her physically exhaust herself, her leg muscles straining whenever there was a steepness to your path, her breath heavier, her face dewy from the heat, she could feel your eyes on her as you went a little quiet and she liked it, knowing that you were checking her out, so eventually she stopped, leading you to a tree and backing you up against it as she grinned at you, waiting for you to follow your instinct, which you immediately did, pulling her in for a kiss as she slid her hands under your shirt and enjoyed the thrill of feeling you up in public, kissing your neck as you felt the bark of the tree against your head, your hair getting caught as you shut your eyes and sighed from the sensation of her sucking on the skin right above your collarbone until she pulled away and left you flushed and disheveled, acting all innocent as she said “shall we continue?” pointing at the path and walking away from you, a shake of your head as you tried to slow your breathing and to forget about the fact that for a second there you´d hoped that she might actually fuck you in public. one day, you thought, one day she´ll cave and do it.

about an hour in, you both felt a rush of gratitude as you reached an area that made you gasp in awe, “oh wow”, you said, as you looked at a river that was wide enough to swim in, a truly picturesque scene, and because you were both sweating and ready for a break by that point, you looked at each and realized that you were thinking the same thing. “should we?...” you asked, pointing at the river, Tess thought about it, “god that would feel so good right now, wouldn´t it? you know what, let´s do it, we can go in our underwear, it´ll dry fast if we sit there for a few minutes after”. “oh I was just talking about taking our shoes off and getting our legs in there” you said, surprised by her bold idea. “oh no, all or nothing baby. come on, it´ll be fun” she nudged you playfully, so you gave in because it did sound delicious in that moment, to cool your hot body, the sound of the rushing water practically luring you in. “alright, fuck it, let´s do it” you put your bag down and unzipped your shorts as she did the same.

as you stood there after getting rid of your shirt, Tess leered at you, pointing at your bra “I think you should take that off too” a smug grin on her face, you put your hand on your hip and raised your eyebrows, “right, so some stranger who is walking by can creep on me?”, she shook her head, grinning, “no. so I can creep on you.” emphasis on the I as she pointed at herself. you suppressed a smile and challenged her, “I´ll do it if you do it”. Tess sometimes forgot that you admired her body the same way she did yours, so your request surprised her but she just shrugged, “sure, okay”, moving her hands to her back to free herself of the last piece of fabric on her upper body, you doing the same thing, slightly shy once you were left topless, your hands over your tits as you looked at the water, dipping a toe in to gauge the temperature.

“oh fuck thats cold” you cold feel goosbumps forming on your skin and she was definitely bolder than you, immediately wading into the water, knee deep within seconds, braving through the initial shock, teeth clenched until she got over it, waving you in, her body mesmerizing, strong and almost god-like in the light of the midday sun. “come on, its fine, you can do it” she encouraged, endeared by the way you held your body then, arms clasped around yourself for comfort. you tensed up as you took a few steps in, Tess lowered herself in the meantime, submerging her whole body except for her head in the cool waves, “trust me sweetheart, this feels great”, so you just took the final step and mirrored what she was doing, a gasp as you felt the cold all over your skin, a few seconds of discomfort until you felt the utter satisfaction of being one with the elements like that on a warm summer day. “come here”, she ordered, so you swam over to her, feeling her pull you closer underwater, your hands around her neck then, your legs loosely wrapped around her back as you both stayed like that for a moment, the water running over you in a steady stream, the sound of birds and rustling leaves hanging in the air, a scene straight of of an Impressionist painting, shades of green and blue all around, accents of reflected sunlight on the surface of the river, you right in the middle, it was like you were truly outside of your lives for a moment, which was visible on your faces before you leaned in and kissed.

after a while you pulled back and felt the sudden urge to try and push her underwater, so you put your arms on her exposed shoulders and applied some force but she just looked at you, patient, smiling, unaffected, “nice try” she uttered, somewhat condescending; she was clearly not going to be overpowered and you knew it but it was a thing you liked to do sometimes, testing her strength to get a little turned on by how impossible it was to match it. eventually, you gave up but before you could think about swimming away she did what you had tried to do but she did it successfully, pushing you under the surface, not too hard but keeping her hands on your head for a few seconds as you shut your eyes and felt the silence of being totally engulfed by water, a feeling you hadn´t experienced in years, which admittedly wasn´t all that unpleasant. after she let go and you came back up for air you immediately splashed water onto her face, shaking your head as you wiped your eyes and adjusted your soaking wet hair. “you know” you said, staring at her, out of breath, “you could fully drown me right now and nobody would ever know. I didn´t tell a soul I´m here, so, you could get away with it”, she was moving her arms through the water in a soothing motion as she returned your look, amused by your strange remark, “well fuck, you got me. this whole thing was just an elaborate scheme to get you out here and kill you”, you kept standing where you were, water dripping down your chest as you responded “yeah I figured, that´s your thing right?. kidnapping fantasies”, she shook her head, “okay easy, a little too far”, but you weren´t done yet, “no? you don´t like that? thinking about tying me up and-”. before you could even finish the sentence she pulled you down and put her hand over your mouth to shut you up “okay, you´re fucking insane”. Tess reacted that way partially because you´d struck a cord, she didn´t have violent sexual fantasies but she did like the idea of restraining you, which got her riled up as you joked about it.

the whole ordeal ended in you both being half submerged in the waves and laughing, holding hands as you both laid down on your backs to float on the water, the sun warming your front side as the river cooled the back, a delicious contrast, about fifteen minutes of peaceful silence and bliss, your fingers interlaced so you wouldn´t drift away from each other, more relaxed than you could remember being in ages.

after you got out of the water you laid down in the grass by the shore, waiting for your skin to dry off before you could get dressed again, the breeze gently caressing your nearly nude bodies.

eventually you both sat upright, looking around at the scenery as you started talking again.

“can I ask you something personal?” you said after a while, your head resting on your knees as you looked at her from the side, Tess was ripping out single strands of grass absentmindedly as she looked back at you, “another question about perverted kinks I might have?”, you laughed, rolling your eyes at her, “no.”, “go on then”. “did you ever consider the whole getting married and having kids thing? when you were younger I mean”.

Tess had a joke on her tongue about not being the type of woman that people would love to bring home to their parents, but she decided to be earnest, sensing that you were actually interested. “kids definitely not. and marriage, hm.. well, when I was in my 20s I was busy just surviving and figuring my shit out, so I never thought about it back then, but sure, when I was in my 30s and people around me started having kids and settling down, it did cross my mind sometimes. but if I´m being totally honest, I think that wouldn´t have been the right way for me. maybe if I´d met the right person, but not a huge white wedding..” she shook her head at the thought, you were listening with deep interest, “maybe an elopement or something, I do like that idea. but also, I witnessed a good amount of nasty divorces in my time, truly awful shit, so I think this is actually a pretty fortunate situation to be in at my age” she motioned back and forth between you two, smiling conspiratively, you nodded, returning the smile. “that makes sense, I mean look at my parents.. that shit was not good”, she made a sound of agreement “yeah exactly. but what about you?”, she leaned closer then, tapping your leg. “me?”, “yes, what´s your stance on all that, you´re young, you still have time”. you sat up then, leaning back on your hands, staring off into the distance as you thought about it. “god I don´t know...”, Tess was still looking at you, “well I think you´re gonna make some lucky woman lose her fucking mind”, she chimed in, you stared at her then, “stop, no, I´m with you right now and I like it this way, I don´t want to imagine some potential future wife”. it struck Tess then that she´d implied the obvious, that you two were not going to be with each other for decades to come, so she softened a little as she realized that you did not like that thought at all, turning to humor to lighten the mood again. “well, you know, if your dad is still single then, I´ll make him take me as his plus one to your wedding.” your expression lightened then, touching her thigh for emphasis as you said, “well, if you want me to cheat on my wife on our wedding day, sure, go ahead and do that”. Tess pulled you towards her then, kissing your cheek before you laid your head on her chest, “sure, if you ever need a reason to break off an engagement, just call me, I´ll come be your homewrecker”.

a while later you both felt your bodies growing weaker from the heat of the sun and lack of food, so you made your way back down the trail and stopped at a place to eat lunch. not many words were exchanged during that meal because you were both starving and recovering from moving around way than you usually do in a day. by the time you were back in her apartment she announced, “okay, either I´ll have to make myself the strongest coffee ever or we have to take a nap. you decide”, it was an easy decision, “yeah, let´s sleep for a while I´m exhausted”.

as she laid down on the couch you went over to her record collection and looked for something that would be soothing as background music, something that could lull you to sleep. she had at least 40 records to choose from, all kinds of genres, mostly from the 70s to 90s but also some modern ones you recognized.“this is impressive” you marveled, as you turned some of them over, inspecting the slightly aged but beautiful covers, Tess already had her eyes closed and felt herself drifting off as she said “thank you. I mean, I´ve had some time to collect those, I think I got the first one at least 25 years ago”, you smiled to yourself then and couldn´t help but say what was on your mind, “so some of these are older than me huh?”, you could hear a groan from across the room, “oh that´s just perfect, really, very romantic of you. how about you pick one and get over here already”, she responded, unwilling to admit that she liked your teasing, so you made your choice and let some soft tune play as you laid down on top of her, her arms around your back, the side of your face positioned on her in a way that allowed you to hear her heartbeat.

it was a sweet feeling, to lay there with the balcony door cracked, a soft gust of wind every once in a while as you drifted in and out of sleep for about an hour, until you were both awake again but didn´t move yet, enjoying the quiet intimacy of the moment, because it was all you´d wanted for so long, to have the luxury of time, to spend some of it in comfortable silence, only communicating via light touches and caresses.

later that day you went outside one more time to go stock up on groceries for the week, Tess urging you to get whatever you might want to have at hand in the following days, asking you about which of her ideas for dinner you liked best, so you ended up spending a lot of time just walking around the isles and figuring out each other´s tastes, scanning the liquor shelves together to decide on what would be best to share on her balcony later. it hit you while watching her prepare dinner that night, not on your phone at all during that hour because you loved watching her move around the kitchen, that it felt like you´d lived together for a while, since it all fell into place so naturally. you tried to remain in the present moment but there was a slight pain you felt in your chest whenever you remembered that your situation was only temporary, that you hadn´t actually moved in with her, that you were a guest and would not get the chance to spend that many days in a row together again for a good while. Tess had similar thoughts as she felt you admiring her from across the room, pushing up her sleeves on purpose to show off her arms as she worked her way through the recipe. it was in her nature, that deep desire to center her life around someone else, to devote her energy and time to the needs of another person, she´d never loved living on her own even though she let other believe that she did, it gave her too much time to talk down on herself, to obsess over her shortcomings, to sit with herself long enough to get tired of her mind and go to sleep much earlier than needed. Tess did not thrive in isolation, she needed her alone time and space to unwind, certainly, but that night it was so clear to her, that she was meant to share her life with someone, that she was never happier than when she could tell that another woman was glad to be in her presence, glad to be taken care of by her, that she wanted to live with someone, with you, and would miss having you there quite intensely once you´d have to leave. thankfully, you both got yourselves out of that mood rather quickly once she was done cooking and you helped her set the table, a simple thing, yet so delightful to you, the sight of two plates, two glasses, the reminder that you were part of a union now.

you ate dinner on the balcony and spent another hour after that sipping on the drinks you´d bought earlier, a few candles on the table, the faint sound of people on the street below you, an atmosphere that made it very easy to forget the time and stay there together on the wooden bench you´d put a blanket over until it was about 11:30 pm, your eyes getting heavy from the booze and the outdoorsy activities earlier that day. for a moment you both rested against each other out there, almost falling asleep because the night air was the perfect temperature, but eventually you both managed to go brush your teeth and fall into bed, heavy and satisfied as she pushed you over to be big spoon, the warmth of her body against your back enough to make you fall asleep within minutes, comforted by her grip on you, even when she was exhausted, that same firmness to her touch, her determination to have you as close as possible.

the next day Tess was clear about the fact that she´d have to show you all her favorite spots downtown, after spending the day before outside of the city, so she took you to two cafes, one for the sake of the coffee the other for the sake of their lunch options, so up until 2 pm you were busy just sitting around in the sun, trying all of her usual orders, approving of them, a little jealous that she had access to that many nice spots, you could imagine studying in those cafes for hours. “maybe during finals season you can come visit for a weekend, I can watch you do that” she joked as you told her that, “you´d like that? just watching me type on my fucking laptop?”, she shrugged, smiling as she ripped a piece off the pastry you were sharing, “I´d enjoy watching you do pretty much anything, sweetheart. also yes, I think it would be hot, you being a nerd right in front of me”, teasing you a little, “my grades aren´t high enough to qualify as nerdy I fear”, she pretended to be shocked, “no? well, we can work on that”, “we? you´d help me how exactly?”, “I don´t know. quiz you, promise you a gift for when you come back with perfect scores”, “okay, I do like the sound of that.”.

that day was a little fresher than the day before so at night you had the idea of taking a bath together, which quickly taught you the lesson that sex underwater only sounded good in theory and was a mess in practice, so you settled on sitting across from each other in the tub with your legs touching, every now and then leaning in to kiss, you putting your lips to her knee after, which was an unexpected tenderness that hit her right at her core, the sight of you bending your head down to places a few soft kisses on her leg.

on your fourth day with her, it rained from morning til night, so it was an easy decision to stay in bed til noon, to be lazy and stay in your loungewear and order take out, putting on a film while relaxing in the living room as it kept pouring outside, chatting about anything and everything, coaxing more and more personal information out of each other, longer, more intimate stories about your lives, passing the time on the couch, switching between various states of undress, paying no attention to what was playing on the TV. later that night you both got the sudden urge to go outside and get a drink, so you put on some nice clothes, stood in the bathroom together as you fixed your hair and felt a shared giddiness over the prospect of walking arm in arm to the bar she´d picked out, the streets still smelling of wet earth, the moon almost full, people hurrying to their dinner dates or back home, that buzz of the night time in a bigger city. you´d both come to realize that you shared a love for date nights, the cozy darkness, the intimate feeling of sitting in the corner of a crowded room somewhere at that hour, slightly buzzed, faces flushed, hands innocently resting on each other´s thighs as you spoke, you´d both miss it, having a reason to randomly step out of the house at 10pm. you´d miss the feeling of walking up the stairs together a few hours later, tipsy, laughing at each other for almost missing a step and stumbling, grabbing each other´s arms for support. it was a light, effortless kind of joy that made you glow, your faces permanently stuck in a smile while you washed your faces together and helped each other out of your clothes, clumsily feeling each other up before you fell into a deep sleep.

on Friday you were ready to move around again after you spent majority of the day before being lazy, so you did whatever came to mind as you walked around the city together. after spending some time at the local park and getting lunch, you came across a pretty large thrift store and decided to just take a look around, but it quickly turned into you getting an idea: you wanted to find her clothes you thought she´d look hot in, so you picked a few shirts here and there, both longsleeve and shortsleeve, a jacket you thought that would suit her, until she eventually told you to slow down with the makeover quest, amused by your enthusiasm over styling her. it moved her in a way, to see that you knew her well enough by then to skip over any clothes that were too feminine, briefly wandering over the the men´s section to check out the bigger vintage tees, it contrasted the feeling she´d often had as a young girl, being pressured by others to dress more like a “lady”, something was healing about it, to have you picking out styles for her that actually matched her taste.

she was reluctant at first but after enough begging and kissing her she gave in and changed into some of the things you´d handed to her, unable to deny that you had an eye for her physique and what would suit her, what she´d feel comfortable in. you practically gawked at her as she looked at herself in the mirror. “you know, maybe I fucked up here, you look a little too good, I don´t want other girls to start hitting on you” you mused, your eyes traveling up and down her body, which got a laugh out of her, “I think you need to chill a little with all that praise, I´ll start believing you eventually” she wasn´t going to admit it, but she did enjoy it, the fact that you never held back with compliments, that you almost made her feel shy or blush at times, which was something that usually never happened to her. “well you should, I´m not just being nice” you insisted, as she came over to you and let you inspect her from up close, “you know, I also have some ideas for things I´d like to see you in” she said, a smile as she lightly traced your bare arm with her fingers, “oh you don´t have to convince me, I´ll try on whatever you want” you said, a smugness to your expression, “anything?”, you nodded, “hm, good to know”, her tone gave away what she was thinking. “what kind are you into? lace? satin? see through?”, she shook her head, not expecting that bold of an answer but enjoying the back and forth, “I´m not telling you that”, “you should buy me something”, you said, batting your eyelashes at her, “buy you lingerie? you want the sugar mommy thing, is that it?” she teased, “jesus how do you even know what that is Tess..” you said, slightly unnerved, which was funny to her, “baby I´m not ancient, I know things. but sure, yes, I will gladly buy you something pretty, although I only really give a fuck about what´s underneath”.

the rest of that day passed very quickly, the way the whole week had, by Saturday morning you couldn´t believe that you´d already spent that much time at her place because it felt like you´d just arrived the day before, like you were at the beginning of your stay, but to your dismay, it was already coming to an end.

the days before Tess had been the chef for dinner or you´d gone out to eat, so for your final night at her place you decided that you´d prepare her something. there was a pasta dish that you´d perfected over the years because it was your comfort meal, so you told her to sit back and relax as you assembled all the ingredients you´d need, but she wouldn´t, she leaned against the kitchen counter instead and watched you, enthralled by the sight of you carefully picking herbs off their stems, tasting the sauce over and over to get it to the exact spice level you wanted it, your face shiny from the effort, your cheeks flushed from the steam of the pasta water, all of it turned her on but she tried her best to not get in your way and touch you too much, only giving you the occasional hug from behind here there, whispering sweet things about how good you looked working with your hands, breaking a sweat.

one thing that you´d done the entire week was to switch between sitting across from each other and next to each other during meals at home because both of the options had their own appeal; sitting next to each other was sweet and intimate, legs touching as you ate, easy access, stealing touches here and there, sitting across from each other was sexier and more charged, since that´s the way you´d sit on a first date, that unavoidable eye contact, the almost confrontational nature of being in your direct line of sight, the ability to lean back and steal glances while the other person wasn´t aware of your gaze, or pretended not to be because it felt good to be looked at like that.

on that last night, you sat across from each other, inside because the weather had gotten a little too fresh to eat on the balcony. as soon as Tess took the first bite, you realized that you liked it a lot, the roles being reversed, you watching closely for her reaction, hoping for signs of pleasure, which came, an approving nod from her as soon as she swallowed, “no notes”, she said, smiling, charming you, a satisfied look on your face as you joined her in eating. what Tess didn´t know, was that you´d picked up on certain preferences of hers over the week, so you´d added things to the sauce you usually wouldn´t have added, because it was more important to you that it would be to her exact taste, you couldn´t haven cared less about your own feelings about the meal, which was a beautiful thing, to be so preoccupied with pleasing someone else that you forgot about yourself in the process. you could understand why she was always so eager to be of service, you saw the appeal as you watched her clear the plate, not leaving one piece of the pasta untouched.

after you were both done, Tess quickly realized that she didn´t want to waste any of the remaining hours you had left being unable to touch you, so she suggested that you should move to the couch, grabbing some chocolate from the kitchen, breaking a part off to offer it to you as a palette cleanser before getting comfortable next to you. by then, you knew how you liked to sit together when you wanted to talk properly, your legs on her lap, her hand on your thigh as you sat there, eyeing each other until you broke the silence. “I can´t believe this already our last night..” your tone quiet and earnest, she nodded, “yeah, me neither. feels like it has only been a day or two, honestly, the time passed way too fucking quickly” you cracked a smile then, moving some of her hair out of the way to place your hand on her neck, a lovestruck look.

during the week neither of you brought it up because it would have been a mood killer but since it was the end of the week Tess felt comfortable asking you “so uhm. did he reach out to you at all while you were here?”, apprehension in there, you knew of course who the “he” in question was. a shake of your head, “no, thank god. probably because I told him I´d call this weekend, I guess I´ll do that tomorrow”. she nodded, absentmindedly caressing you, “hm, good, that´s good. didn´t hear from him either. be honest, did it cross your mind at all?” she genuinely wanted to know if you´d just been good at bluffing or if you´d actually forgotten about the potential horror of being found out by him during your stay with her.

you thought about it, “surprisingly no, I didn´t think about it, at least not consciously. I guess because I was just glad we had this time to ourselves and I really didn´t want to ruin it for myself by worrying” she agreed, “yeah same for me, I kind of forgot about it til just now to be honest” you shared a moment of silence, contemplating the issue. “looks like we´re both great at compartmentalizing hm?”, you joked, grinning at her, Tess couldn´t help but laugh then, “you´re not wrong there, we´re pretty fucking shameless if you really think about it. the next time he calls me I´ll make small talk and act like I didn´t just spend the week…”, “fucking his daughter?” you completed the thought for her, purposely putting it that way. Tess shoved you then, pretending to be scandalized, “wow, you have such a way with words. I was gonna say that I spent the week having the time of my life” she countered, exaggerating a little, trying to get you to feel bad about your crass comment but you knew her too well, “bullshit, you didn´t wanna say that”, she nodded, amused, “maybe, but it´s true. besides, you´re right in the sense that that is of course the one thing he´d focus on. jesus…”.

you could tell that she was getting sucked into a spiral that she´d managed to stay out of all week, so you leaned closer and took her face in your hands, your tone gentle and sweet, “hey, it´s fine, relax” placing a few kisses on her face before reminding her “he won´t find out, no way. how would he?”. she couldn´t argue with that, you´d both been careful and you were both more than decent liars, so she relaxed again, soothed by your touch. “right, yes. but still, we´re kind of fucking insane for this” she could smile again by then, you did too, only shrugging in response, not a care in the world over potential danger, you were simply too happy. she gave you a kiss then, a proper one, to forget all about the previously discussed subject and it worked, within seconds she was too busy pushing you back against the couch cushion and pulling your shirt over your head to think of anything else but the feeling of your warm body in her hands.

later that night, after you´d spent a good amount of time just laying in bed with the window open and talking because you didn´t want your time to be cut short by sleeping too early, you had something on your mind. you rolled over onto your side, placing your hand on her stomach as you looked at her, “Tess” you said, an unusually timid tone which was endearing to her, “yes sweetie, what is it?”, she moved herself up on the pillow a little to signal that she was listening. “well, I was just thinking, my roommate isn´t coming back until next week..”, “okay. and that means?”, she said, not catching on yet, eyeing you curiously, so you just put it out there. “well, I was wondering if I could persuade you to stay a night...”. she was confused for a moment, “what, in your dorm?”, you nodded, a shyness to your demeanor all of a sudden, waiting for a response. she laughed to herself, “well, wouldn´t that be a little fucked up, someone my age hanging out in a dorm?”, you shook your head, “oh no, I have seen so many odd boyfriends coming and going, nobody would even blink an eye at you, really I mean it”. she smiled then, staring off into space as she considered your proposal, muttering “well, I´d have to take Monday off work..”, so you doubled down, increasingly desperate to prolong your time with her, your hand on her forearm then, a strong grip as you pleaded with her. “please, come on, just one night. I could show you around, it would be fun, I could let you get an image of how I live, now that I got one of how you do”. you had a point there, she couldn´t deny that she liked the idea of getting a glimpse into your life like that, “hmm” you could see that she was close to cracking, so you got up and climbed on top of her, bending down to kiss her neck lightly as you kept whispering “please”, which gave her vivid flashbacks to how you´d first come onto her that night you´d first gotten together, the way she´d been broken by the sound of your begging, and it was working yet again, she sighed and held onto your back as she finally caved and said “okay, okay yes. fuck it, let´s do it”, a shudder going through her from the feeling of your hot breath against her skin, your weight on top of her, until you finally let go and looked at her with the face of someone who´d just won a battle. “you´re fucking killing me here, lady” she said, shaking her head, grabbing your waist as you kept sitting on her legs, a bright red blush on her cheeks, “am I?” you whispered, pleased with yourself for getting under her skin. secretly, Tess loved it, that you often pushed her buttons, that you weren´t discouraged by any of her moments of reluctance but took them as a challenge, she never got frustrated by your teasing because it was too delicious, to be played with like that, to be guided towards certain pleasures she´d deny herself if it wasn´t for you insistence.

the next morning after having breakfast out on the balcony for the last time, basking in the sun with your legs crossed over each other´s, she helped you pack your things. as you were checking around her bedroom to see if you´d missed a piece of clothing or something else, she grabbed a shirt of hers that you´d worn to bed a few times that week and handed it to you, “here, take this too”. you hesitated for a moment as you reached for it, “really? you won´t miss it?”, she shook her head, “not at all. besides, I like the idea of you sleeping in my clothes when you´re not here. I´m not being that selfless”, you laughed, “okay, well in that case I´ll gladly take it”.

as she opened her apartment door you took a dramatic final look around, a gentle squeeze on your shoulder as she said, “hey, don´t act like you´ll never see this place again, you´ll be back”, “you think so?” you asked, “oh, I know.” she proclaimed, confident, so you smiled and clung to that sound of conviction as you both made your way downstairs and headed towards her car.

the drive was not that long, about 3 hours, a little slower than by train but not long enough to actually be exhausting. you drove an hour, then stopped for coffee, drove another, then got some mediocre lunch and walked around for a bit before passing the final hour with you feeding her individual pieces of candy as you got comfortable in the passenger seat and handled the job of choosing songs that fit the mood, every now and then getting a rise out of her by touching her where you knew she liked to have your hands the most, while she was trying to keep her eyes on the road.

around 3 pm you reached your destination, she´d of course picked you up in your college town once before, so she had no trouble finding the street you lived on. the semester wasn´t going to start until a week later, so the streets weren´t that crowded even though it was a Saturday, you could tell that about half your fellow students were back, while the other half was probably still either still back home or somewhere savoring the last few days of freedom before things would go back to business again.

Tess vaguely recalled some of the buildings as you walked up to your dorm, but she found herself liking the atmosphere more than she´d expected, her own college town had been more urban, so it was interesting to see a campus that was more on the isolated side.

once you were in your room, you opened the window to let some fresh air in and sat down on your bed as Tess inspected the details of your space, trying not to feel the slight burn of self-consciousness in your chest as you watched her curiously inspecting the details of your space, but for once she didn´t have anything to say, she was genuinely absorbed in the attempt to figure you out, to see how you liked to live, how you made yourself feel at home and comfortable. after a few minutes she joined you on the bed, the two of you sprawled out as much as the rather small bedframe allowed you to be, arms and legs touching in various places as you laid there, staring at the ceiling, relaxing after the drive. after brief moment of comfortable silence you could hear her laugh to herself and utter “god..” while shaking her head, so you turned to look at her, “what? what is it?”. she turned her head too then, “it´s just. this is pretty fucking mid-life crisis-ey of me, isn´t it?” her hands in the air, vaguely gesturing around, “ending up in a dorm room again at my age. I think I can´t deny that that´s pretty cliché mid-life of me”. you laughed, endeared by her moment of self-deprecation, “well if it makes you feel better, people my age have actually recently coined the term quarter-life crisis, so we´re kind of in it together”, she laughed too then, “what, really? that´s a thing?” you nodded, she considered it, “well, I think the takeaway there should be that we´re all in crisis at all ages, huh”, you nodded, reaching for her hand, lacing your fingers through hers, “exactly, that´s the enlightened take. so, no need to feel bad about yourself or question your weird behavior, if it´s gonna be ongoing, right?” you joked, “sure, I can just mess around with a girl in college and free myself of the knowledge that it´s technically kind of pathetic” you gasped as she finished that sentence, overly dramatic, “pathetic?? ouch”. Tess pulled your hand up to kiss it then, patting your head afterwards, “not on your part, baby”.

after about 45 minutes of regaining some of your energy, you both made your way outside again and you gave her the promised tour of all the places you usually spent most of your days at: your lecture halls, the buildings where you had your seminars, the dining hall, the little park that was located in the middle of your campus. the thing that made it easier on your part was that you that yours was an impressive one as far as college campuses went, large historic buildings, a lot of nature surrounding your area, a rather idyllic vibe to it all. Tess seemed to have a genuine interest in everything you showed her, which warmed your heart. she kept asking you things that you didn´t even consider telling her about because they seemed minute to you, but to her it was a delight, to finally get to know the structure of your daily life, she couldn´t remember the last time she´d been so eager to get a picture of how someone moved through the world, and it hit her as you showed her around, how you´d awakened a curiosity in her, a deep need to know as much as she could about the person she felt so devoted to.

as you walked down a particular path you often took after classes, you pointed towards a wooden bench under a large tree that was still in bloom, “oh see, this is where I spent many miserable afternoons, just listening to music and feeling sorry for myself, it was great”. Tess laughed as she went over and sat down, looking around to see the view you´d had all those times, “I hope those days are over now”, you joined her, stretching your legs out and sighing, “you think you magically fixed all my issues?”, you teased as she put her arm behind your back, “all of them? jesus, care to tell me what that endless list entails?”, she joked back in a low tone, “oh you know. general melancholy, loneliness, self-pity, being into women that could be my mom, the usual” she shoved your leg then, “you´re disgusting”, but you could see a hint of a smile out of the corner of your eye.

“but for real, I don´t have to worry about you, do I?”, it felt good, to know that she felt the need to make sure you´d be fine on your own, you assured her, “no, I´m much better now than last year. but feel free to maybe worry a little, I don´t mind that..” you said, grinning at her. “oh and you´re gonna have to get better at texting, because I can´t call you during lectures or while I´m at the library”, she laughed, “so I can keep you from actually learning something?”, you shook your head, “I´ll only do it during the boring ones. promise”, “right, sure, I´ll see what I can do about that”.

“would sexting encourage you?”, Tess made a face of disgust then, “no? you think that´s my thing, typing sleazy shit into my phone?”, you knew she was not the type for all that but the image was funny to you, “okay jeez, guess I´ll find other ways to fantasize”, “I can send you audio messages of me reading some book, that should do the trick”, she teased, “fuck off. I never should have told you about that, it really went to your head that I love your voice”, she smiled, leaning closer to you then, whispering in your ear as she held your face, “do you?”, you sighed, defenseless against her, a shiver on your neck as she kept fucking with you until you eventually pushed her off and tried to get your face to a normal temperature again, a satisfied expression on her face as she backed off because a few people were walking by.

“last year this place was my depression spot, but this semester I can sit here and think about you instead, how does that sound?”, you said after a few moments of silence, “better. much better” she did like that image, “or you know. you could focus on your academic goals, just a thought”, and as if she´d summoned her by mentioning it, you spotted a former professor of yours from afar as she was walking in your general direction.

at first you thought she might pass you by but you locked eyes and smiled, so you tapped Tess on the shoulder, “she was my prof last year, I think I should say Hi”, but you barely got the sentence out before she already stood a few feet away and greeted you, so you stood up to get a little closer. “hey, good to see you!”, you returned the politeness and exchanged a few words about what you´d done over the summer, she´d been one of better professors you´d had, actually good at teaching and always eager to get to know her students, asking what was wrong if anyone ever seemed out of it during class, so it was easy to make conversation.

“you´re not taking any of my classes this year, right?” she asked, signaling disappointment, you shook your head “no, sadly not, but maybe next semester”, “right, well I´m sure we´ll see each other around still”, Tess was observing the exchange with keen interest and as your professors´s eyes wandered over to her you said “oh yeah, I´m here with a.. family friend, to show her around because she lives nearby”, Tess gave a brief nod and smile, amused by your choice of words. “then I´ll leave you guys to it, have a lovely time! see you around!” she´d used your name at the end of that sentence rather affectionately and Tess watched her with a hint of judgment in her eyes as she walked away, immediately shaking her head as you sat back down on the bench, laughing to herself, “wow”.

“what?” you asked, confused by that reaction “she was fucking flirting with you”, “huh??” you said, unsure if you´d heard her right, “oh come on, it was so obvious”, you protested, “Tess, she has a husband and two kids”. “that doesn´t mean shit”, she wouldn´t back down, “it doesn´t??”, your expression one of disbelief then. “no. married women are freaks, trust me, I´ve had my experiences”, you couldn´t believe that she was insisting on it but then it dawned on you that she was jealous because they were both women around the same age, because she maybe thought that she fit your type, so you decided to mess with her, flattered by the wave of possessiveness that had come over her just from watching you be polite to someone who shared some of her characteristics. “well, in that case I seem to have a good back up plan if you ever decide to dump me”, grinning as you said this.

she immediately shook her head, her index finger moving back and forth in the air, a show of protest, “oh no, if this ends, it´ll be because of you, I´m not going anywhere, so you´ll have to do the breaking up if you wanna get rid of me”, you returned the energy, “well I won´t do it either, so, I guess we´re stuck with each other?”, she smiled, leaning back and closing her eyes as the clouds parted and let the sun through, her face turned towards the warmth, “seems that way”.

the rest of the afternoon you spent getting lunch and coffee at a place you often went to, sitting in the sun and people watching, letting the time pass while you walked around, stopping here in there to walk into stores or buy a cold drink. naturally, you ended up back in your room with nothing else to do but get rid of the clothes you´d sweat through while walking around all day and getting your hands on each other, clumsy at first since you had gotten used to her much bigger bed, but you made it work, her hand between your legs as you made out, getting you worked up and soaked before she got down between your thighs and ate you out like she hadn´t done it in weeks, even though it had just been a day, messy and desperate, her hands pulling you down onto her face again each time she could feel you moving away, pushing your legs open if you squeezed them together, doing her best to turn you into an absolute mess, turned on from your desperate whining, your fingers in her hair, the taste of you all over her face, she´d never get tired of it, having you in your most vulnerable state, all to herself.

the thing that you realized while living with Tess was that she was a spontaneous lover, she didn´t have specific times of day where she needed it the most, she wasn´t a morning or a night person, it was unpredictable and you loved it that way, that she sometimes got random bursts of intense desire during the day, it was one of your favorite things about being around her so much, that you´d sometimes just be relaxing on the couch together and somehow end up having the most mind blowing sex at a random time like 5 pm. she realized while you were living with her how much she loved it, not planning hook-ups, but just responding to desire whenever it called to her because she had someone close by who wanted her, all the time, the reciprocal thing of “if you´re in the mood, I´m in the mood”. your week together had given you both a new relationship to your sexuality, it had become more playful and free but also more intense because the deep emotional bond was there. she never came hard with hookups because as much as she did not want to admit it, Tess was absolutely the type to need that loving component to really lose herself and get off in a truly satisfying way.

you kept laying there for a while after, you fully undressed and she in her underwear, touching and caressing each other as you rested your eyes for a moment, before you got up to shower and get changed before going out for a drink.

you knew where to take her, there weren´t many bars to choose from but one was a safe bet, it was the one that your roommate and you frequented most nights because it was not too overpriced, not too far away from campus, and had a veranda that was ideal for the warmer seasons. you and Tess stayed there for about an hour and a half, debriefing your day, you asking her for her honest opinion about your college, the vibe she was getting, her admitting that she was actually kind of jealous of you because being there had made her feel nostalgic for that time of her life even though it had been rough at times, she swirled the ice around in her drink as she thought about how to put it.

“the thing you´ll understand when you´re closer to my age is that even though you did suffer in your younger years and in college, you´ll still miss it, the specific feeling of being young but old enough to do whatever you want, living with friends, doing stupid shit for fun that would feel weird at an older age. I am not saying you have it easy, not at all, but just. try to soak this up” she said, gesturing around at the other people sitting outside, “you should try to enjoy your last year, really, don´t let me distract you from all of this too much.”. you smiled at her the entire time she spoke because you really liked it when she was more earnest, she always put things in a way that made sense to you, and you were grateful to have her perspective, you pulled her hand over onto your lap then, “I will think of you a lot, but yes, I´ll try to make the most of it, thank you for caring about all that, really”.

Tess patted your hand, “you should do shrooms or something, really get the most out of your student life” she joked, “oh sure, yeah, great advice”, “wait, you never told me, are you a party goer?”, you narrowed your eyes at her, “didn´t I tell you about how much of a loser I was last year? my friends dragged me out a few times but other than that, no”, she laughed then, leaning back and eyeing you with a hint of intrigue, imagining something, you could tell, so you asked, “what?”.

“oh I was just thinking about how you might look when you´re drunk and dancing with people”, she liked the image, you in some dark room with colorful lights illuminating your smiling face as you moved in unison with another girl, or multiple girls, it did turn her on, she couldn´t deny it.

“well, I wish you could find out” you said, smiling at her, leaning your head on your hands, “if I do end up going out, I´ll probably send you drunk texts and pictures, so there´s that” you added, amused by the idea of her receiving some overly affectionate messages from you at 2 am, she was too, “sounds good to me. what kind of drunk are you? touchy? the one that ends up crying? aggressive?”, you laughed, “I think I´m an emotional drunk, just showering everyone in compliments and random confessions of how much they mean to me, how pretty they are, etc.”, “okay damn, you´re making me jealous there”. “yeah with you it wouldn´t end well, I´d embarrass the fuck out of myself”, she knew what you were alluding to, the fact that “I love you so much” would probably slip out multiple times, “I´d like to see that to be honest” she admitted, you threw her a playful look “one day maybe”.

around 10 pm you were back in your room, after a slightly tipsy walk back, and tired to make it as homely as possible by lighting a few candles and pulling the curtains half shut, leaving the window cracked, so you could hear some of the faint nightlife noise, laughter from a drunk group of people here and there, a few birds still singing at that hour, nothing city-like about it, no cars honking or sirens blaring because your town was rather secluded. Tess was soothed by it, the change of scenery, and you could tell as you saw her laying there in your bed with her arms behind her head, her eyes closed and a faint smile on her sun-kissed face as she waited for you to join her, her freckles visible even in the dim light. you snuggled up to her because there was not enough space for you both to spread out the way you had in her bed, but neither of you minded, it almost felt the way sleepovers had felt as a kid, being huddled up like that, she felt younger in that moment and she liked it, it was

comforting to be so far away from everything that tethered her to her usual routine, in the middle of someone else´s life.

you laid there with your arms wrapped around each other, your face against her chest, the blanket only pulled up to your waist because it was warm enough, both quiet for a while until you spoke up. “so. when are we seeing each other again”,your tone deeply serious, which was endearing to Tess, the fact that she was still there and you were already thinking about your reunion, clearly anxious about how long it would be until then, she thought about it as she slipped her hand under your shirt.“hm, let´s see, I can´t really take off work again in the next few weeks, but weekends are always good. and I know you should probably try to settle in here before coming back to my place, so how about the weekend after next one?”, you nodded, “okay, yes. oh wait, I don´t have classes on Mondays, so I could stay a day longer, I don´t mind if it´s a work day for you, we still have the morning and I´ll take a late train so we can have dinner too. or is that stressful for you?”, “no, that´s perfect, let´s do it. two weeks, that should be fine right?”, she said while glancing down at you, your grip on her suddenly tighter as you thought about the time you´d spend apart, you sighed, “should be, yeah. but I´ll still miss you”, she caressed your back in a soothing motion then, “I know, me too”.

that night you both woke up multiple times but you weren´t bothered by it because you just used the few minutes you were awake to change positions to lay more comfortably again and to give each other some sleepy kisses on the shoulder or back or whatever body part was closest, hands always finding their way back under the fabric of your clothes, a lazy sensuality to those little windows of time where you were awake during the night.

the next morning you grabbed breakfast at a place around the corner because you knew Tess was a coffee freak and would love their seasonal menu of various cold brews and you were right, she was blissed out sitting there with you in the morning sun. “you´re trying your best to make me come back here, aren´t you?” she said after she´d gotten up to order herself a second beverage, you just smiled, “maybe. is it working?”, she laughed, running her hands through her hair and taking in the surroundings, she had to admit she´d come to like it there, “kind of yeah. who knows, maybe one day I´ll get a spontaneous burst of recklessness and come surprise you”, your eyes lit up then, “please do that, I´m not kidding.” you loved the idea of living your life, going about your day, while knowing that there was always a slim chance that she might randomly appear at your doorstep one evening, she could tell, so she´d at least consider it, “okay, I´ll see what I can do”.

your last few hours together were marked by that beautiful feeling of seeing a town right before it wakes up, the sun golden but not hot yet, only a few people besides you out on the streets, both you and Tess could appreciate the feeling of being in the middle of the city on a busy night, but for your farewell it was ideal to just sit there together and soak up the quiet, warm, almost dreamlike scenery.

what you´d both realized during the course of your week together, was that neither of you were afraid to hold hands in public, to be affectionate and obviously romantically involved. you´d never even had the discussion if it was okay, most likely because you were both so aware of the limited amount of time you had together, that you wouldn´t let fear of judgment keep you from pulling your hand to your face or her from kissing your cheek when you were close enough to do it. there was a relaxed, natural feeling to your tenderness with each other, it was never awkward or clumsy, both of you had the instinct to reach out, all the time, whether you were sitting next to each other, or standing in line somewhere, or laying in bed, your hands always seemed to find their way to the exact spot where the other person wanted it, it hadn´t taken long at all for you to give each other exactly the kind of intimacy you needed. Tess had often been accused of being aloof and distant, even with women she was having sex with, so it surprised her to find that it wasn´t just an intrinsic issue, that she wasn´t fundamentally unromantic or fucked up, that she´d just been waiting to meet someone who brought that side of her out without force, which was a central thing about your appeal to her, the way you loved her without pushing her to give you more of herself than she was willing to, because you trusted that whatver she would offer would be more than enough.

in return, you loved that she was so calm in her obsession over you, it was clear that she was deeply into you, but she left you space to breathe, Tess knew that you didn´t need her to smother you to feel loved, and it created this deeply peaceful bond, one where both of you felt held and seen without ever feeling caged in, quite the opposite, you´d never felt freer than when you held and kissed each other, felt each other there at night or in the morning.

around 11 am you walked Tess to her car, both of you walking much slower than necessary, eventually reaching the spot where she´d parked and unsure what to do, now that it was time to say goodbye.

she put her bag in the backseat and came over to where you were standing, a parallel to how you´d greeted each other at the start of the week, her resting against the passenger door, you facing her, a silence, a shared moment of unwillingness to part ways, something somber and fragile in both of your expressions. you nervously shifted your weight as she looked at you, the way the light was hitting your face, the way your neck was bent, that space right above your shoulder where she´d placed countless kisses the days before, suddenly overcome with utter devastation over the fact that she´d return to an empty apartment, that she´d sleep alone again, that she wouldn´t feel you moving next to her in the night, that she wouldn´t spend her afternoons on the couch with your head in her lap. Tess couldn´t stop listing all the things she´d miss and without realizing a few tears had formed in her eyes, you caught it, looking at her while she was so lost in thought that she didn´t even realize until you stepped closer and touched her arm, a hint of a smile on your face as you asked, “hey, are you crying?”, unsure if you should comfort her or delight in the fact that she was so affected by the idea of your absence.

she was slightly embarrassed and adjusted her posture to seem more secure as she briefly dabbed the corner of her eyes, “no…” a very unconvincing tone, because she knew you knew. you put your arms around her waist then, leaning in to kiss her temple, staring at her until she collected herself and met your eyes, her hands around your neck as she said, “listen, I know I am not the best at making speeches, but I need you to know that this whole week has been a dream, really. I can´t remember the last time I had this many good days in a row.” she was deeply serious about it, so you were too as you answered, “me neither. thank you isn´t enough to be honest, there was literally not one moment that I didn´t enjoy”, Tess could tell you meant it, and it made her feel good about herself, because that was all she´d hoped for, that you´d leave her place feeling better than when you´d come there, and she´d succeeded, very much so.

“so, in two weeks then?” you said, a gentle smile, still holding onto her, “yes. be good in the meantime, eat well, sleep well, have some fun, all that. okay? none of that shit from last year” there was something parent-like about the way she´d phrased that, so you couldn´t help but say, “yes, mommy” which earned you a light slap from her, she wouldn´t let you get under her skin with that word, she was too stubborn to admit that it kind of turned her on. “shut up, I mean it! if you don´t look healthy the next time I see you, we´ll have a problem, miss”, you liked her slightly stern way of caring for you, it was a hot contrast to her softer side that you´d brought out, “okay, noted. I guess if there´s a serious issue I´ll just come to your place for a day, that should fix whatever´s wrong with me” you said in a low tone, playing with a strand of her hair, doing your best to make her feel weak in her knees. Tess had gotten used to it and grown to enjoy it, your shameless way of toying with her.

“sure, if there´s an emergency, I´ll play nurse” she teased, gaining the upper hand again by giving you a deep kiss that left you flushed and frustrated over the fact that you´d have to wait fourteen days to do that again. “I´ll fucking miss you.” you uttered, shaking your head, you knew it was time to let go, because otherwise you´d stand there til nightfall, but you had one last thing to say, a stillness to you as you told her, “I love you.” the warmest smile on her face that you´d ever seen, a brief moment of her basking in the light of those words before she pulled you in for a final hug, whispering “I love you too.” as her head briefly rested on your shoulder, her arms tight around you, both of your eyes closed, your hearts beating slowly in unison. there was nothing stressful about that confession because the feeling of loving each other had been so palpable between you all the days before, neither of you were shocked or surprised, you were just full of warmth, flooded by a deep sense of ease, the kind that fills your body with a sensation that evokes the visual of a river of gold, running slowly through your core, spreading to your face, leaving you tingling all over, close to sighing from relief, from joy, from everything you´d come to cherish about your connection.

for a few seconds you stayed like that until you squeezed each other´s hand and separated. once Tess sat behind the wheel, she pulled the window down, so you could lean in and rest your arms there for a moment, looking at her all doe eyed as you said, “call you later tonight?”, her hand on your arm, “tomorrow. gotta build up some suspense, sweetheart”, that familiar grin of hers as she pulled down her sunglasses. “sure, alright, let´s do that. I do hope you dream about me tonight though” the threatening tone of that statement amused her, “there´s a pretty good chance of that happening, don´t you worry, baby”. eventually you got up, giving her car a light slap on the hood as she started the engine and threw you a final glance, driving off with the window still down, wind in her hair, looking in the rearview mirror to confirm her suspicion, that you´d keep standing there, that you wouldn´t immediately turn around and walk away, a sudden urge in her chest to turn around, to fuck up her work schedule and tell her boss that she´s sick.

for a good few minutes you just stood there by the side of the road, leaning against a lantern, unable to move on with your day, to go back to your own routine without her by your side. the initial pain that you both felt in your return to being alone was slowly but surely overshadowed by a deep feeling of gratitude, because you realized at the same time that you´d given each other a deeply precious gift; it was undeniable that it would have been ideal to lead a life where you could live together, where you could spend all your time together, neither of you would have ever denied that, you´d both dreamed about it, but your unique situation gave you both the gift of returning to your daily lives on your own with a completely different feeling and outlook compared to before, even though nothing about your circumstances had changed. Tess knew then as she was driving back home that she would not feel the same sense of dread every morning, that she would not dissociate as much as she always had before, that she´d move through her life with an unfamiliar sense of optimism, knowing you were out there and waiting to see her again. she knew that being at work would feel different, simply because she could spend the minutes she´d usually spent zoning out, thinking of you, what you were up to, how you might sound during a call later that day, what you´d want to tell her.

you felt the exact same way as you walked back to your dorm with a dreamy look permanently frozen on your face because it dawned on you that your senior year of college would not be as hard as your junior year at all, you knew then that it would be easier to get up and move around, to look at the days ahead of you with hope, because regardless of was about to happen, you had someone out there who´d listen to your worries, who´d help you navigate your through it all, who´d always get your spirits up without even trying hard, hearing her voice would be enough to feel better after a rough day, making her laugh would be enough to feel useful, to feel like your presence mattered and helped other people move through their own lives a little easier. your love for her was reviving in a way, you felt stronger and more capable than before, you felt safe and secure knowing that life could shake you up however it wanted and you wouldn´t be scared, at least not the way you´d been before, because she´d be there, always, even if it was just a text or a call, you wouldn´t be lonely anymore, neither of you would be.

you had left each other with the most beautiful thought to hold close to your hearts:

someone out there loves and sees me for who I am at my core. someone out there prays that everything goes well for me. someone out there is waiting eagerly for me to come back to them, and I will. again and again and again.

#tess servopoulos x reader #tess servopoulos #tlou fanfiction #the last of us hbo

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