#i applied for some jobs today. hopefully ill hear back from one?

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

[threenorth]

Today and probably yesterday as I forgot my sleeping antihistamines I felt a way of hay fever, one of the jobs that said they would be in touch in the new year, had moved my application to in progress, I got an email.

Applied for a really, real shitty part time role.

Fixed my minecraft string duplication railway.

Probably need to finish my iron farm as tomorrow I need more hoppers.

Did some yard work, said hi to my nebour back from China for Christmas, and then searched for jobs, had dinner, tofu Chispy, cocunt curry mix with rice, vegetables, but had an upset stomach after a movie called "in the name of sex" about Ruth, it's a pretty good story.

I think it was the tofu. Not sure exactly... But

It's getting a little late, I also need to try correct this terrible sleep of mine.

Messages.

You can always hear me say goodnight, if you wanted to call me once your home and you tell me when you usually sleep but at the moment my sleep is pretty bad..but I'm thinking about calling your Sunday.

Your voice, it's like a good cuppa (cup of slang)

Coffee, wakes me up, or a soooth tea to rest me after a long day, and maybe it's better than any medicine I've had.

Anyway,

I haven't been listening to much music lately, I haven't been feeling it... I put up a song yesterday of Billy Joel, today I'm not sure if I had a song as much but a few of my recommendations made me laugh thanks Spotify,

Gonna sleep

Xo

Have a great hump day, I find it's my favourite day of the week... Usually but it might be Mondays soon...thinking about you all the same,

Xo

R

P.S

I'm not sure I can do horror with distance, but we're watch a movie if you want sometime hopefully it's easy to get for you while for me ill use the internet, I'm thinking something classic for me, but for you a Robert sesmecis flim maybe you haven't seen before.

[be-with-me-so-happily]

Summary: Y/N applies to be a styling intern for the One Direction crew during the Where We Are tour. As she gets better at her job and closer to the band and crew (especially Harry Styles), some of her dreams seem to be coming true, but so are some of her fears.

A/N: There is a lot of cuteness in this one. I feel like there needed to be a bit more of it since the other few chapters were a bit heavier. And I've also been waiting to add something referring to the Today Show song performances, they are just so fun to watch (despite the missing member). Hopefully it's fun to read about too.

Warnings: Some language, a little jealousy, intercourse, mention of Zayn feeling ill

~~~~~

CHAPTER 9 -

EVERY STEP I TAKE I'M FEELING MORE & MORE

Nov 15th, 2014

'Four' officially came out yesterday! It was such a cool moment! You'd heard snippets of the songs, and the album was leaked about a week ago, but it was still an amazing moment to be a part of with all the guys. And you finally got to hear all of the songs in full. Harry jokes that he won't be able to hear or sing 'No Control' without thinking of you, adding that he is thankful it won't be on their tour setlist.

Today was exciting in its own way. One Direction is recording for the Band Aid 30 charity single, and Harry is very focused on that.

"I want to wear something different but that doesn't stand out too much, it's not about me today."

"You have a heart of gold, Harry Styles."

You look into his eyes. [Is he an actual angel or something?]

"I think I have the perfect shirt" and you hand him a cream button up with large black motorcycles scattered on it. Neutral is almost always a safe bet.

~~~~~

At the recording, you are a bit starstruck with so many artists gathering in one room. Since it's a bit crowded, you and Natalie aren't really able to watch them record the whole time. But whenever there is a break between sessions, Amelia gives you and Natalie each a turn to check over the guys' outfits and be on standby.

You get to see them record just a little bit of the chorus, singing 'feed the world' and you can't keep yourself from welling up. Emotions have been something you can't and don't really hold back anymore since 'being with' Harry.

Niall happens to look in your direction for a quick second and smiles.

When it's all done, hours later, everyone piles back into the vans you came in. Niall pulls you and Natalie in their van so you get to ride back to the hotel with them all.

"That was incredible!" Natalie beams. "So many celebrities, and such a good song!" She makes sure to add, "and a great cause, of course."

"Yeah, it's really nice to do something like that." Zayn answers.

Niall elbows you and blurts out, "Superstar over here was bawling!" He laughs.

"I'm glad I had your sweater with me to wipe my snot, thanks!"

Niall lets out his contagious laugh.

Harry, sitting next to you and doing everything he can to keep his hands on his knees, leans over and whispers, "I think you're the one with the heart of gold, Sunshine. Golden."

~~~~~

Nov 16th, 2014

Today you arrive in Orlando. You get to have a little bit of fun and explore Universal Studios, where the guys will be performing tomorrow.

Levi actually flew out to help the sound crew, so Natalie is excited to spend some time with him later. She seems happy and you're happy for her. You two and Amelia move around with the guys during the day, as they do some Q&As and soundchecks. You can't really be around Harry too much, it's too hard not to flirt and touch, so when you actually are, you have got to be extra professional. You see Liam's girlfriend, Sophia, being able to hang on her man. You listen to Natalie talk about how much fun she is having fun with Levi. You don't get to do those things with Harry, and it's been fine while being your little hotel bubble. But now, while out in the open, this is harder. And the worst part is that you don't know if you even have the right to feel this way, not really knowing what you are to Harry. You start to quiet down and close yourself off a bit.

"Anyone want to go on some rides?" Louis asks, super pumped. He points at each person, then lands on you. You shake your head.

"I'm not a big roller coaster person." You shrug.

"Yeah, me neither." You hear Harry agree.

The rest of the group runs over to get on a massive ride, and you wait back with Harry and some security guards.

"Now we get a chance to hang out a little." He says, looking over and smiling. But it disappears quickly, seeming to realize that your mind is somewhere else.

"What's wrong, love?"

You try to respond, "I'm fi-" but he interrupts.

"Please don't. I can tell you're upset."

You sigh as you look at the ground. You make sure to be careful with what you say, in case someone overhears the conversation.

"I'm just bummed that I don't get to hang out here with-" you pause not knowing what to call your relationship, "with the guy I'm into." That's the best you've got right now.

He scoffs. "The guy you're into, huh?" He smirks. "Because he works a lot?"

You shake your head in disagreement. "I don't mind that. He has a cool job."

He smirks back. "I bet it's hard for him too Y/N. I bet he cares about you a lot."

"Maybe." You poke your tongue out at him.

Right then you hear some screaming girls and turn to see a handful of cellphones pointed in your direction. He waves at the small group of fans and apologizes for not being able to head over to them (security reasons). Then he looks back at you.

You can see their hearts breaking, and you get an idea. "Do you think… I organize a little something for them, for later?"

He looks curious but nods. "I trust you." And so you walk over to them.

"Hey ladies! How are you?"

They are shaking and almost crying. "Hiiii! Wow! Do you work with One Direction?"

"Yep!" You motion them to lean so that they can hear what you're about to say.

You whisper, "I'm sorry they can't really step out here right now. But… if you are going to be at the next Q&A, come find me afterwards and I can try to get you a quick special moment for autographs and photos."

"Oh my gosh! No way! Thank you!" They squeal.

"It's my absolute pleasure ladies! You mean so much to them. You're the reason they get to do this!" You wink at them and you add, "And that gives me a job too!" You say goodbye and walk back towards Harry.

He still looks extremely curious, since he didn't get to hear what was going on.

"Well, I'm sorry, I added one more quick thing to your schedule."

He smiles. "That's… the best. You're the best, Sunshine."

His comment doesn't even register in your mind. "And now they know I work with you, so they won't think anything is going on here."

He frowns a little and whispers, "but that's not really true…"

You sigh and whisper back, "but it is out here…"

~~~~~

Nov 17th, 2014

The rest of the day yesterday, you were both pretty quiet, and busy, but he still tried what he could to make you smile- with silly comments and faces every so often. That's who he is.

The morning is a little chaotic. Zayn isn't feeling well, and won't be participating in the 'Today Show' performance. This means the guys have to take over his parts of the songs, so there was a bit to figure out and practice before getting on stage later.

You figured you wouldn't see much of Harry today, but it's between some Q&A appearances, and he is walking up to you with two coffees in hand.

He motions you over to a little secluded walkway on the side of a store and hands you your drink.

He frowns. "You are beautiful, Sunshine!" Then he smiles. "I'm so lucky."

"Hey, love. You look great!" He looks you up and down, but you roll your eyes. You're wearing a white and grey horizontal striped button up tucked into light denim jeans, white sneakers, and your hair in a ponytail. Nothing special.

You mildly giggle. "Because you get to see me?"

"No. Because I get to be with you." He argues.

You roll your eyes again. "Well, you won't be with me for long, you're performing soon."

"That's not what I meant." He stops what he was saying and looks up at you. He coughs. "I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday."

You shake your head. "You didn't upset me. I was just in a weird mood and being dumb."

"How so?"

Surprisingly, you don't even stop to think, before letting all your thoughts out. "I was getting jealous. It's so dumb. I was seeing Liam and Sophia together, and hearing Natalie talk about Levi… and I was jealous. Like I said, it's dumb. I've been having such an amazing time with you... I knew the little bubble would pop at some point, but I guess I wasn't ready for it to feel that way. It just bummed me out that I didn't get to walk around with my boyfriend and hold his hand."

You realize what you just said. Your heart stops and your eyes suddenly shoot up to his. You instantly put your hands up to your face, trying to convince yourself not to make a run for it.

[Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit]

He doesn't say anything right away. You're starting to panic a little, feeling like you just screwed up everything again. Instead of pushing him away from not expressing your feelings, now he'll run away because you're expressing them too much!

"Umm… boyfriend?" He asks, quietly. You want to cry.

"Oh god. I'm sorry. No, I... I didn't mean to say that." [That might be a lie]

"So you didn't mean me?"

You're embarrassed and your cheeks are getting more red by the second. You can only look down at this point and shut your eyes tight. You're getting scared. But you've done so well at not hiding your feelings anymore and don't want to lie.

"No, I-..." [Tell the truth. Say something!] "Oh god. I just meant... in general." [Nope, lie]

"So you don't want me to be your boyfriend." He says, less of a question and more of a conclusion.

"No. I… shit," you growl at yourself for being so flustered and fucking this up. "I think I do... I'm sorry… I do want that." And there's the end of whatever you two had.

All of a sudden you feel his hand on your chin, pulling it upward. You quickly look around, but no one can see you.

"Don't be sorry. Look at me please." He requests.

"Yeah, I'd rather not at this moment."

"Sunshine. Please look at me." His gentle tone is the reason that you do what he asks, seeing the biggest smile you've ever seen on his face.

"Can you say it again?"

"What?"

He clears his throat. "Can you say it again, but to me this time?"

You whisper, "my... boyfriend…"

He closes his eyes and he lets out a strong exhale. "See? I'm so lucky, because I get to be with you, the most beautiful girlfriend ever."

Your heart stops again.

"This is all kind of new to me, love. I can't promise we can be all lovey in public, yet, I want to protect this. But I can promise that you don't have to wonder how I feel about you. I'm yours."

"I don't care, H. As long as we know where we stand, then I can handle it."

"You called me 'H'. I like it."

He turns you around so no one can see you, then pulls you in for the most tender kiss you two have shared so far.

You walk back out where everyone else is and the group of fans from earlier finds you instantly. Their mouths drop, seeing Harry standing next to you.

"Hey ladies!" [Thank god they didn't come over there a few minutes ago]

You look at your watch and then at Harry, seeing if they have a few minutes for those girls. He nods.

"Okay, let's sneak over to the side of that little stage. I'll grab the rest of the guys. I'm sorry Zayn isn't here though, he's a bit sick."

Once everyone is gathered, the guys graciously sign some posters and take photos, thanking them for their support. The girls even give you hugs and thank you for doing that for them.

After it's done, you look at the guys. "Sorry I threw that at you guys. They had looks so heartbroken earlier, I couldn't take it. I just wanted to do something special for them."

The guys look at each other and then smush you into a group hug. "We love our fans! And we love you for doing that for them!" Niall reassures you.

"I told her she's the best for doing it!" Harry adds, and squeezes your waist as you continue to get smuthered in the group hug.

~~~~~

You're now standing around with the guys before they go on the big stage for their 'Today Show' performance. It's a bit crowded in the little space off to the side, with all the crew from One Direction's team and from the show. You and Harry wiggle your way to each other, so you can do your job of course, and you subtly squeeze his hand. He looks down at you and winks.

"Good luck Rockstar."

"Where are you standing?"

You get a mischievous look and shrug. "Game time. Have to find me." He suddenly bites his lower lip at your words and you can't help but stare down at them for a moment.

"Settle down, Sunshine. M'bout to go on stage, can't have my pants too tight up there." He whispers

You poke your tongue out at him. He smirks and adds, "hey, I said settle down."

You shake your head. "Have fun, H." You walk away.

You and Natalie stand over by the sound booth, away from everyone else. She gets to be with Levi and you get a good view of Harry.

'Steal My Girl' is being introduced first and as he looks to his right, he instantly notices you. He does a funny little clap. They start singing and he looks over again, doing a funny little dance. As Niall's part ends, he licks his finger and pretends to play the bass guitar.

[Umm... why was that so hot?]

"Harry's in a good mood today…" Natalie observes.

You haven't had the chance to tell her what happened earlier. So all you can do is blush. "He's always goofing around on stage."

"Mhmm…" She responds.

He's stealing glances the whole time. Natalie seems to notice it a lot during 'What Makes You Beautiful' and 'Best Song Ever'.

Harry Styles… now your boyfriend… is up on stage singing beautiful songs, being adored by everyone. But when he looks over, you feel as if he's singing just to you.

You might never get rid of the constant butterflies fluttering around in your stomach.

[He's definitely not the lucky one here, you are]

~~~~~

Nov 23rd, 2014

Today has already been extremely busy, because tonight is the American Music Awards. One Direction are nominated in multiple categories and you are so excited for them.

The downside is that you don't really get to be involved in the event. You and Natalie are able to join the crew but only observe the process of getting them ready. It makes sense though, the award shows are a big deal, so of course the head stylist is going to take control.

Harry is one of the first ones to get ready. You love the jacket with the gold details that he picks. He does find you after he changes and asks what your thoughts are. You reassure him that it is perfect.

Once they are ready to head to the red carpet, you give each guy a hug and wish them good luck. It takes everything in you not to kiss Harry.

The rest of the crew who are staying behind gather in the trailers to watch the interviews and the award ceremony. It is fun to see what celebrities are there, and everyone's unique style.

You can't help but laugh when the guys are interviewed by two very nice ladies, but are clearly uncomfortable… Harry ends it after one of them asks Zayn about her shoulders. These guys are so polite, it's too funny at times.

~~~~~

The night goes on and One Direction wins three awards! Each time they win, everyone in the trailer cheers, claps, stomps their feet, etc. That's been the upside of the night. You may not get to be inside with the band but this feels like it may be an ever better experience. You're surrounded by so many other people who work behind-the-scenes, yet don't get/need any credit for it. They all love the guys too. Plus, you get to be as loud and crazy as you want when you celebrate.

After winning the third award, you send a group text to them all.

:you: i am so fucking proud of you all! you are probably my favorite pop/rock band… i'm pretty sure i voted for you ;) you work so hard and you deserve this, love you guys!

:niall: and i'm your favorite band member right? :)

:liam: thanks darling! we love you too. ps. vote for liam

:zayn: thanks love! i'm best dressed right?

:louis: so that leaves me with 'most talented'!

:harry: thanks for always supporting us.

And then you get a separate text from Harry.

:harry: you've made this the best year yet, Sunshine. i won when i met you.

:you: i'm so proud and happy for you, H.

:you: but do you ever stop being cheesy?

:harry: what? you don't think my lines are… gouda?

:you: oh my god.

:harry: i'll see you later and we can celebrate?

:you: the awards or your terrible joke? :)

:harry: both, but definitely more so the joke!

:you: goodbye!

Then you get a separate text from Niall.

:niall: i love you, you're one of my best friends, but i'll cut you out if you don't stop texting harry! he is biting his lip & i swear he's gonna try to start rubbing my thigh in a minute.

:you: are you not already used to that? ;)

~~~~~

There are post-show interviews, that can take a while, so you and Natalie have time to help pack up and then head to Harry's house.

:you: need me to make you some food?

:harry: too good to me, maybe a sandwich?

:you: done, see you soon

:harry: see you soon love xx

As you finish putting his food together, with a glass of champagne as celebration, Harry walks through the door.

"Congratulations on your terrible joke!" You laugh.

"Thank you, Sunshine. I worked so hard on it!"

"But seriously, H, I'm so proud of you."

He is standing in front of you and gives you a sweet kiss on the cheek, then grabs his sandwich to take a bite.

"Mmm, just what I needed." He smiles.

"I can give you something else if you want…" you wink.

"You little minx." He smirks. "I want to, so badly, but I might pass out as soon as I hit the bed. I'm so sorry, love." He drops his head, looking as if he disappointed you.

You grab his face so he will look at you. "Hey. I'm not with you for your dick… it's a nice perk though. I like doing 'normal' boyfriend/girlfriend things with you too." You kiss his lips. "Finish eating and we can go cuddle in bed. I'll be the big spoon if you want."

~~~~~

Nov. 24th, 2014

Cuddling with Harry is one of your favorite things to do. It didn't take him long to fall asleep, and you were able to just lay there and admire him. The shape and feel of his body, the tattoos that seem to be perfectly placed, the smell of him that you just seem to love so much… it's all perfect. He's perfect. You have to soak it all up right now too, because the boys are headed to Australia for the ARIA awards show and some tv appearances, and you won't be joining this time.

Since Harry will be leaving tomorrow for Sydney, you want to do something special for him. You wake up early, rummage through the bag you have packed, and find the lace lingerie you bought just for this occasion. You sneak into the bathroom to put it on and throw on a puffy robe to cover up the surprise.

Natalie left for Levi's, so you go down to the kitchen to start some coffee and make some breakfast.

He makes his way down just as breakfast is ready. "Good morning, love. Smells good in here!" He pauses to look at you in the robe. "You look comfy."

"I was going to get dressed but I just needed to put on something cozy." You lie.

"I said you look comfy. That doesn't mean you don't look sexy."

You blush. He walks up to you and you hand him a coffee mug. He takes a few sips, then grabs the mug from your hand and puts them both on the counter.

He grabs around your waist with one arm and pulls you closer to him. He uses his other hand to cup your cheek, landing a strong, but sweet kiss on your lips.

"I love this." He mumbles, and his lips instantly find that spot on your neck. He starts to run his hand under your robe to grab your breast, then suddenly pulls away and smirks.

"What's going on here, hmmm?"

"I don't know what you mean." You say, playing coy.

He pulls the tie on your robe and opens it up, stepping back to take it all in. You let the robe fall.

He lets out a quick exhale and steps right back to you, grabbing under your ass and picking you up. You wrap your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist. You meet each other's lips and move perfectly with each other. You bite his lower lip and he quietly moans. He walks you a few steps and holds you against one of the kitchen walls. He takes his lips off yours and moves them back to your neck.

"Oh my god," you whisper.

He grabs you tighter and pushes his hips against you more. You use one hand to grab his curly hair. He hums against your neck. This alone is giving you so much pleasure and you are already so wet.

He adjusts his grip and then swings around to put you on the counter. Your legs and arms still wrapped around him. He places one hand on your back and uses the other to pull down on your lace panties. You lift up enough so he can slide them off, and drop your legs down so they can fall on the floor. He runs his free hand up and down your thigh, grabbing it for a second each time he moves it. Then he runs his finger tips up and down your center, making subtle circles when he reaches the top.

"Please, H. Please go in." You beg. And he slides both fingers in gently. You grab his hair tighter.

He starts to pick up his pace, hitting your spot perfectly each time, like he always does.

"Love, I'll get you to finish like this if you want. But I do really want to fully be inside you." He states.

"I want that too." You utter.

He pulls you closer so that you are right at the edge of the counter, then pulls his pants down to his thighs. You lean back on your hands and he wraps one arm around your waist, then uses his other to slightly prop up one of your legs.

"Safe?"

"Yes."

He teases with his tip for just a second before sliding in. "Fuck, love, this always feel so good!"

You hold his head still so you can kiss him again, him separating your lips with his tongue to deepen the kiss.

As he picks up his pace you moan against his lips, which makes him go faster. You throw your head back and can only keep exhaling heavily as he gets you closer. "Harry, I'm close!" He thrusts harder. "Oh god. Please keep doing that!"

He lets out a grunt which you know means he's close too. One more thrust and you're done, just as he pulls out and releases on your stomach.

He puts his arms on either side of your waist, leaning against the counter, as he catches his breath. You grab his face for a kiss.

He looks in your eyes, his gaze flickering back and forth between the two. "I love being here with you." He confesses. "I'm so sorry I have to leave tomorrow."

He stands up, helps you clean up, and then helps you off the counter.

"It's alright, H. How about we just lounge around and watch movies? Normal couple type stuff."

"Perfect." He looks at your plates and laughs. "Go pick one and I'll remake breakfast."

"I'm going to change first."

He pouts. "Boo, no fun." Then he starts singing.

(No Control)

Powerless

And I don't care, it's obvious

I just can't get enough of you

The pedal's down, my eyes are closed

No control

~~~~~

Series Masterlist || Chapter 8 || Chapter 10

Taglist: @watermelonsugacry @tw1nflamebruis3 @slut4lilyrose @pinktakeaway @hopefulwastelandcreation

[icantbraintoday-tryagainlater]

You are Expendable

You are a hard working individual Pride yourself on your work You show up early and stay late You never miss a meeting or an email “We are lucky to have you, You are such a great asset to the team. With everything you do, to show our gratitude We will fire you without question.” You work hard every day Put your heart and soul into the job You encourage your coworkers, teammates Take that overtime and bust your ass You don’t sleep, you think of what You can do better tomorrow Yet you are expendable. Your job does not need you You will be replaced by the end of the day. Your job does not value you, You are a commodity that can be replaced. Your skill is teachable, Your knowledge is common. The truth is you are expendable And they’ll replace you for their financial gain.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I should have known from the 1st day of training my job as a claim associate for a Big Name National Insurance Company that I would regret my decision to apply.

I should have known when within two days of training I was pulled to the side and written up. For my neighbor talking to me.

I should have known.

So this is all on me, I know, but I thought that this company would treat me right and it was only these two bitter old employees who were about to retire.

I was wrong. I was so wrong.

the first year was amazing! I met new friends, I was great at my job, I had the best manager in the world! I was surprised that I could like working in Insurance. I was being talked to about advancement, different areas of the company I would excel at, and the right path to follow to achieve my goals.

Then She came along. Covid hit, we were all sent home, and a brand new manager took over my team. I didn’t think much of it, because honestly? She seemed fine. She was new to managing, but not new to the job. My biggest critique then had just been how much time she seemed to take off. She was NEVER there. Every other day she was taking a partial day. She took long weekends, took weeks off at a time. It was weird to say the least. 

But then the snippy emails came. The bitchy remarks.

My team suffered GREATLY. We went from being one of the top performing teams to suddenly being at the bottom. And all of these Outliers Reports that we had never heard of started becoming this huge deal.

Literally never heard of these reports, and then one week we were all on them. And it was a BIG DEAL (TM). Then we were getting in trouble for being in the wrong call states (the call states we have been told to be in for specific situations since we were trained were suddenly the wrong call states).

All of this I was willing to just deal with. But then...

Then my mom got sick. I got a call from my father at around 1 or 2PM Thursday, November 19, 2020. My mom was going to the ER because they thought she was having a stroke. I told my boss I couldn’t be at work and left for the day. Found out that it was a tumor, possibly cancer. Within 2 weeks she was in surgery to remove the mass and we found out it was Glioblastoma. The worst brain cancer.

And my friends and family kept asking “Is your work understanding? Being accommodating?” And I couldn’t say they were. They were the complete opposite of understanding.

I fought for a while to make them understand and to just ask for simple accommodations only to be met with “If you can’t do your job then go home.”

Below is a letter I wrote to HR.

“To whom it may concern,

My name is ______, and I work as a claims representative in the Auto Property Claims, Express. I am writing to you today to bring up some issues I have recently run into with the way Express is run, and I would like to discuss these with you and hopefully find a solution so if someone else is ever in my position, they are treated better.

Specifically, I would like to discuss how I was treated when I found out my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer.

I received a call on my first break on Thursday, November 19th, from my father. He told me that my mother was on her way to the ER. I immediately IM’d my manager, *blacked out*, and requested to leave, as my father cannot take care of my mother alone since he is blind. She simply said that she logged me out, and I did not think anything of her short reply.

I came back to work on Monday, November 23rd, because I had no more PTO, despite still waiting for my mother’s MRIs to come back with the official diagnosis. She was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on her brain.  I could not afford to take time off (and also welcomed a distraction), but knew I would not be much help on phones, so I asked for tasks and waited 40 minutes for a response.  However, She simply stated that it wasn't possible for me to do other tasks - that either I could answer calls and talk to customers while in crisis and crying or miss work and not get paid.

I understand there are rules and managers cannot change our schedules on a whim; however, it felt crass that she would not even discuss an alternative. In the past I know that myself and others have been given courtesy during extreme circumstances, so I had spoken with another team manager about it, and he told me he would speak with Jessica for me.

Right before close, however, I received a very snippy IM from Her stating the following: “Just so you know, I had spoken with my boss, *blocked*, about this. And she said we couldn’t do that. And you were logged out for 40 minutes earlier today so I took the liberty of changing your T2 for that as an Unscheduled PTO.”

Those 40 minutes were while I was waiting for her response and trying to get myself together after learning horribly devastating news. I also felt very attacked and that if I were to do anything that she did not like from now on that she would retaliate against me. I still feel as though she will retaliate against me just because I went to another manager with an issue that she did not appear to care about at all. 

She has also consistently been lacking in manager experience, as well. The most prominent example of this is that she will not (or possibly does not know how to) help with personal development, either within the company nor in my current job position. When she brings up any areas where I could do better, she simply tells me “do better,” and when I ask for advice on how to go about doing so because I feel as though I am doing all I can she simply tells me again “do better." I can provide examples if you would like.

I attempted to speak about this with HR, but they simply asked why I was upset that my manager was asking me to do my job. I felt isolated afterwards, and felt as though Big National Insurance Company in general does not care about their employees in the least. Our motto is Remarkable. But my experience during this tragic time of learning that my mother might not just have brain cancer, but may never regain control or strength of her left side (her dominant side) ever again, coupled with the fact that my father only went blind 3 years ago so I now have 2 disabled parents whom I may need to start taking care of on a regular basis, has been anything but remarkable

I was told to get CIGNA to look into ADA accommodations. However, I needed the accommodation immediately, and CIGNA can take weeks, if not months, to get established. In that moment I needed to know that I could do my job while also helping my family through this horribly difficult time, and I was told to jump through hoops like a circus animal and maybe I would still have a job after, but probably would not be paid for the time off. I could apply for the Employee Grant, but that’s not a guarantee, and I have to apply for it after I’ve already lost the pay. As I��m living paycheck to paycheck right now, that would mean I would probably be facing eviction by the time I would receive any assistance. 

Accommodations were simply thrown out the window and when my friends ask how I’m doing and if my job is being understanding, I cannot say that they are. Between the points system, which punishes you for being ill or having to care for family, and my boss’s cold, indifferent, and unsympathetic attitude towards me, I feel as though I am literally just a number, an expendable employee who is simply there to be a robot. 

As I stated at the beginning of this email, I would love the chance to discuss this with you to find a solution. So if anyone else is ever put in this position, they are treated with dignity, respect, and sympathy, rather than cold, unfeeling retaliation and robotic responses. So future employees do not have to jump through hoops in order to have simple and understandable accommodations made as they work on getting the rest lined up.

You can reach me at this email, my personal email *blocked*, or through text or calls at my cell number *blocked*. 

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

*my name*

We had a lovely conversation with my boss, her boss, and a new HR rep. But did anything change? No. If anything, I started getting micromanaged even more.

There is so much more to the story than this, but I - I just don’t have the time or energy to type it up.

Maybe I will another day.

But in conclusion - I should have known. Shame on me for allowing myself to be fooled.

[spartanbunjase]

Yesterday was Evil Author Day but I wasn’t in any state to participate. So, have some of my WIP today!! They are all Jason Todd centric and I can tell you now that only one of these is guaranteed to be completed as it’s a christmas gift for my little sister (Belfire on A03). 

Cantains: domestic violence, soulmates, bad parenting, different pairings, angst, fluff, good parenting, drug addiciton and recovery, LGBT+ couples, straight couples, trans characters, torture, good siblings, happy, character death (only mentioned).

1: As Catherine lay on the floor in a small pool of her own blood she could only feel utterly helpless watching Willis’ belt land on her son again and again. She wanted to get to him, to curl protectively around Jason and keep him safe, but she was too injured and knew she could end up dead if she intervened. Being dead would just put Jason at Willis’ mercy more often. The man wasn’t the same as the one she’d fallen in love with during her time at Gotham Academy. He’d been funny, carefree, adventurous, and handsome. Now, consumed by alcohol and drugs, he was a monster. He ran with criminals and regularly used Catherine to pay off his debts. Their current argument had resulted from her coming home and finding Willis about to use Jason’s body as payment. It was something he’d never done before, she knew from the utter terror radiating off her son as she’d stepped into the room. It was something she refused to let Willis ever put her son through. To Catherine, he’d thrown away any claim to their sweet six year old boy the second he laid a hand on him when the boy was four. Eventually Willis grew tired and stormed out the flat, probably to apologise to the dealer and convince them to return once Catherine was out of the flat. She wasn’t going to give him that chance. She was done letting him hurt her or her son. Jason was her world, he was the reason she’d cleaned up her drug habit and gotten a job as a bus boy at their local diner. Dragging herself up so she was standing, Catherine carefully made her way over to her son. He was bleeding from the welts and wounds across his back while she could already see a black eye forming. Catherine bent down slowly and gave Jason’s shoulder a gentle shake. He gave a pained whimper but didn’t move until he could clearly see it was Catherine and not Willis. “Come on baby, we’re getting out of here.” Catherine’s heart broke further as she saw the resigned look on her son. She’d promised him they’d leave so often but they’d gone back, he was clearly unwilling to believe her any more now than all the times before. She helped him onto his feet and led him to the door. It was only once they were out on the street that he spoke, “where we going Mama?” Catherine hadn’t thought that far ahead but as she watched Sparky their dog helping support some of Jason’s weight it hit her like a bolt of lightning. “We’re going to your grandparents. They’ve never actually gotten to meet you and they can keep us safe.” She saw Jason’s hand hold tighter to Sparky’s fur as he kept his gaze on the pavement. “Don’t worry baby, they’ll take Sparky in too.” The odd trio eventually arrived at Doc Thompkins clinic. Catherine knew she couldn’t walk Jason all the way across the city to the affluent neighbourhoods and Leslie had been trying to convince her to leave Willis for years. She had no doubt that the woman would help her and her family escape him. Catherine pushed open the door and ushered her son and their dog through to the waiting room. A nurse looked like she was about to refuse the dog until she caught sight of Jason and Catherine. The kind woman immediately moved the trio to a clinic room and went to get Leslie. “Jason, Catherine, what can I do for you today?” The Todd family had known Leslie since his birth. Her free clinic had helped them through when they’d been unable to treat Jason during a multitude of childhood injuries and illnesses. More recent years had led to the clinic treating the results of Willis’ temper and Leslie trying to help the woman and young boy escape. Catherine let her eyes travel over the room, constantly vigilant and fearful of Willis finding them. Finally sure they were safe she let her gaze lock onto Leslie’s. She’d never met the woman’s eye before, always too afraid of what she’d see reflected back at her. “We need help. My parents live in Bristol and I’m hoping they’ll take us in. They never liked Willis so hopefully they’ll let me back home now they see I’m done with him for good. At the very least, I hope they take Jay.” She was met with a calm patience that was pure Leslie once the woman got what she wanted from a situation; and in this case she had. “Auntie L, Mama said I’m going to meet my abuelos but I’m scared.” He had moved slightly closer to Leslie as Catherine had spoken and gave her sleeve a gentle tug. “They won’t be like Willis will they?” His voice was so quiet that Leslie knew Catherine would have missed the question due to the distance between her and her son. She felt a sudden urge to wrap the small, undernourished boy up in her arms and never let harm come to him again.

**** 

2: There isn’t much Jason can remember from his time as Robin. He can remember being friends with a handful of the younger heroes; most of them have since kept their distance. Returning from thirteen months of torture (and being declared dead) with different morals than your mentor and arguing with them in the Halls of Justice will strain some friendships…even if it has been over a decade since he was found in the abandoned wing of Arkham by the kid who’d replaced him. A few however had stuck around, stayed by his side, and aided his journey through the turbulent recovery of PTSD. Billy Batson had been overjoyed to have his friend back, to have back the one person who understood the Gotham foster care system and how fucking backwards it all is. He’d been one of the first people to visit the manor on hearing of Jason’s rescue; cheating his way past Bruce and Alfred with his magic just to see his friend. He’d remained; understanding the argument for what it was, a damaged boy begging his father to save him from his nightmares. During those early months Jason hadn’t remembered him, but Billy never held it against him. He used it as a chance to rebuild, to start fresh. They’d both changed in those months and he understood what violence could do to even the best of people; and to Billy, Jason had always been one of the best. His brother, Dick, fell into that selection of memories for Jason where he knew they’d had good times together but only the feelings remained. Only the lingering scent of happiness, childish wonder, and excitement remained. The memories themselves had been burned, beaten, starved, and just generally tortured away. The man was seen as the perfect older brother by the other members of the caped community (and even by Gotham’s press). For Jason, in the past decade, he’d been anything but. He’d only ever tried to push the family’s moral standpoint onto a person who quickly (and easily) reverted into that same terrified, scarred boy they found under the asylum just from mentions of his captor. Dick focused on keeping the other new siblings safe and happy. If that meant ignoring the second oldest of the Wayne children; well then, all the better as far as he was concerned. The oldest of the Wayne children understood, and had even studied, PTSD. That meant shit all when it came to applying it in practice. When it came to applying all he’d learnt for his roles as Robin and Nightwing he fell short of the legacy he created. Within a year of Jason’s release from Joker, Dick had certainly lived up to his name. The relationship between the two was frostier than any suit Victor Fries required. For the teenager the family got back, got into the safety of his old room, it was as it had been when he’d first been given Robin. As he didn’t have the visual memories to go with the positive feelings he’d attached to his older brother during those first couple of week it became increasingly easy for Dick to trigger a panic attack, or as was more common between the two, an all-out violent attack. Jason’s dreams, even during his time under the old asylum, occasionally give him flashes of green light, of shapes seemingly made out of thin air glowing in neon green. He’s been told that Kyle Rayner used to be a friend. Two young heroes finding themselves in roles with previous occupants helping them to forge a friendship. He’d kept his distance when he’d heard his friend was back. He’d pushed him further away once he saw the lack of recognition in those bright blue eyes. In the end he went so far as to cut contact with the teen completely once he saw the drastic changes during the nearly explosive argument with Batman. For where one had risen up to become an Honour Guard within the Corps, the other had fallen to a murdering anti-hero. One person however, had never slipped his memories. One person had always managed to keep an steel grip on his limbic system. While the Joker had tried desperately, along with help from the other Arkham inmates, to wipe every ounce of hope from Jason he failed to realise one thing. He failed to realise just how far, just how deeply, hope ran for the second Robin. The one person who the clown never managed to taint or use against him, was the one person that only a few of the hero community knew he knew. When the lights in his cell would go out, Jason would dream of flowing blonde hair. When Harley would try to convince him that she and the clown were all he had left, Jason would let his heart fill with a snorting laugh never letting the sound past his lips. When each of Batman’s main enemies took turns on the six month anniversary, Jason drew from the strength sun-warmed hands that used to clasp his with while running through the fareground. When Joker finally showed Jason the photos to prove he’d been replaced, the teen filled his mind with blues and reds of the one person who’d never replace him. Who, as it turns out, was the only person who didn’t replace him. With everything the Joker did, with everything the Joker had left him to deal with upon his release, it was Kara Zor-El who gave everything and reminded him that his faith in her was justified. For months the Wayne family had struggled. They’d struggled to fit their second child back into the family. There was the unconscious violence that accompanied trying to wake him from his night terrors. Often resulting in wounds ranging from a simple punch to a stab. The deep-seated fear and hatred of most of Gotham’s Rogues made them tiptoe around him when talking about the family business. They refused to ask, to understand, just why he resented the middle son of the Wayne house but could tolerate Duke, Cassandra, and Damian. In the end, the only solution to be found actually found them. Kara had heard Jason’s night terror start one evening not long after returning from a space mission with the Titans and hearing the news of the second Robin being found. Relief had flooded through her to her very soul. For ten months she’d searched, scanned all of Gotham multiple times with her x-ray vision and listening for any sign of him. Unfortunately there was just too much lead in the city. Too much interference for her to find him before being summoned for a three month off-world mission. She’d never forgotten the sound of his heartbeat though; of the changes it would make when he was happy, nervous, or just itching for a good fight. That first night back on Earth; when she heard the sudden changes, the increase in pace, she tuned into the almost silent whimpers he was letting out. Kara flew the fastest she ever had, abandoning the mission de-brief she’d been ordered to, and tore through the Manor like a Bat out of Hell (or an Alien invading). The alarms had been blaring. Batman and the kids were pulled away from patrol, all racing home with worry clogging their chests for the elderly butler and damaged boy left alone. Each of them had expected great hordes of people intent on harming the two members of the Wayne family who were seen as the weakest. Instead they returned home to a grandfather silencing them all and making them watch the scene he had been taking in peacefully prior to their outlandish entrance. Kara had made it up to Jason’s room just as he’d started to scream and thrash about. His limbs were still in casts, much of his body still in bandages or dressings of some form as he’d only been free a handful of days. The shock of black hair and familiar heartbeat moved her faster still. Within the blink of an eye one scared but joyous teen had pulled the other distressed teen into her arms. Almost as soon as her overly warm hands came into contact with his sweat-damp skin, Jason’s eyes flew open. He cut off a scream as blazing ocean blue eyes met overjoyed sky blue. Sun golden blonde hair framing the face like a halo. The hope. The strength. The only love that he’d managed to hold onto for thirteen months was finally back in his reach and so he allowed his body to sink into the warm embrace. It was the first night that the family discovered just how close the two sixteen year olds really were. Dick had long suspected that they were friends. Bruce had always avoided commenting, refusing to admit that both of his children were close with Kryptonians (even if one was a clone). As they stood watching they saw how quickly Kara calmed their wayward bird. Her fingers never stopped carding through his hair as her other hand was clasped as tightly as he could manage due to the bulky cast and pain. She was rocking him slightly, quietly singing a Kryptonian nursery rhyme.

**** 

3: Everyone was born with a mark, a mark that matched in design and placement with the person you were meant to have a deep relationship with. Be that platonic or romantic. Everyone that is except Jason. His mother had always told him it just made him special, that he would form deep relationships with anyone special enough to be in his life. Instead he spent his life forging relationships only to have them ripped away. There was his mother losing her battle with cancer. His best friend getting caught up in one of Mad Hatter’s schemes and never making it out. Then there was the father he’d found one cold night in Crime Alley. Jason thought he’d finally found what his mother meant all those years ago. He now had a grandfather, who he spent countless hours cooking and debating literature with. He had a father who taught him how to fight beyond that of street fighting but also helped him laugh again. Best of all he now had a brother who would take him skiing and help him prank their adopted father. Alas it wasn’t to last. Each of those relationships was destroyed by the one who wished his soul mark matched Jason’s father. The Joker took Jason away from Bruce, from the family he’d found. A crowbar here. An explosion there. It all came crumbling down in the Magdala Valley. One quick resurrection, a few years training, and one failed attempt at revenge later found Jason finally managing to rebuild those bonds lost to him at fifteen. It was what led to him chasing a behemoth of a man through Gotham trying to save Deula Dent. She was the daughter of the Joker from another Earth and, although she was related to a version of the man who’d killed him, he wasn’t about to let her die. Unfortunately, he wasn’t successful but it did lead to a very interesting set of circumstances for the twenty-two year old. With Donna Troy, a woman he’d once considered a sister, and Kyle Rayner at his side he found himself travelling through the multi-verse. They’d been to countless versions of their own planet. They’d met evil versions of themselves and their mentors. They’d gotten caught in Victorian Gotham. They’d even ended up on multiple Earths where they were the opposite gender to how they presented. It had been a tiring journey. Jason had found himself having a small crush on the Green Lantern accompanying them. Flirty banter was met with fierce resistance. Kyle, for reasons Jason still didn’t understand, seemed convinced that he wanted Donna instead. Now Jason wasn’t picky. He was attracted to a person regardless of their gender, or even if they were human. To Kyle it just meant that Jason was even better placed to scoop Donna out from under him. As the trio, along with their Monitor Bob, landed on Earth-11 it became apparent that they’d ended up on another Earth where the genders were reversed. A fight was clearly happening and so they set off to help in the hopes that Ray Palmer may have been somewhere nearby. Jason’s combat boots pounded through the streets. His breath was coming harsher than usual as an unexpected pain was shooting up his left arm. It had started as soon as they’d breached the atmosphere. The only way he could describe it was as if someone was stabbing him between the radius and ulna over and over again. His arm was held protectively to his chest as nothing he’d done had relieved the pain. He’d twisted his wrist and shoulder around. Simple stretches had turned more and more complex. Nothing was working. A green construct lit up the sky, quickly being followed by the Lantern creating it. Jason’s gaze lingered on the woman in question and the pain subsided slightly. Kicking his body into action his legs pulled him towards the battle faster. “If you’re going to act like children then you’ll be treated as such.” The female Green Lantern said while scooping up some of the Amazon warriors. Jason will deny it to his dying day but that was the moment he felt his heart skip a beat and love start to bloom in his heart.

**** 

4: When the news of the massacre at Sanctuary broke throughout the hero community Jason felt horrifically guilty because he felt such relief. A few weeks before it all happened Roy had been speaking with Waylon about entering rehab. He’d been intending to go to Sanctuary as it was set up by the Trinity for all those in the community that needed help. However, the archer didn’t want to be in the middle of nowhere or too far away from Jason. The ginger archer had raced into Gotham two months prior to save the stupidly impulsive ass of a crime lord. As soon as he and Jason were back together they had a massive talk about how their relationship parted last time. It soon became clear that Jason’s own insecurities had wiggled their way so far into his brain that he pushed Roy away. Once they’d finished their talk they quickly fell into their old routine. The relationship was moving as if they’d never been apart for over a year. They were able to support each other but Jason was able to see that Roy needed more help than he could provide. As the case with Suzie Sue was drawing to a close they started to talk about Roy’s options. Sanctuary had been top of the list, until Roy realised just where it was located and more importantly how little was located around it. In the end, with the help of Oliver, they were able to get Roy into AtoT Centre in San Diego. When Oliver heard that Roy was struggling again he managed to step up and help. He knew that the level of help Roy would need was clearly above what he could provide if Jason was struggling to help him. With this in mind Oliver offered to foot the bill for any length of stay Roy needed, along with helping Jason rent a flat nearby. The AToT Centre were able to fit Roy into one of their San Diego drug rehab homes that house six patients. He agreed to a ninety day stay so long as Oliver refused to tell him the price. Jason agreed with Roy’s instance as he knew that if Roy found out that it was $65,000 for the initial thirty days and then $2,000 for every thirty after that he would have refused to go to such a highly rated place. They allowed Roy to keep his phone so he could be in contact with both Jason and Oliver, which settled all three men. Roy had been at the centre for fifteen days when the news of Sanctuary broke. He had received a text from Wally telling him that he was okay and had made it out. Unsure of what the text had meant he’d immediately phoned his ex-mentor and (trying again) father figure. The blonde archer had gently told his son how the patients at Sanctuary had been attacked and that the current suspects were Booster Gold and Harley Quinn. He also reassured Roy that Wally had managed to get away fast enough, running straight to his Aunt Iris in Central City. 

**** 

5: There were a few things people could expect to find on the streets of Gotham. Bristol had people who spewed money and corruption all in the same breath. If you wanted to get your rocks off, or buy some, you’d head to the East End. Joker goons could be found roaming around Amusement Mile while a couple of the buildings around the Solomon Wayne courthouse were decorated in two halves both on the inside and the outside. One of the things that you wouldn’t expect to come across is a literal goldmine. Jason learnt all of this while he still had a home near Crime Alley. It’s something that has been drilled into him even more during his six years on the streets. So, it comes as a massive surprise to the fifteen-year-old when he finds The Batmobile parked in the alley. He had three tyres off when two shadows fell over him. Glancing up a jolt of freezing cold fear shot through the underweight teen. He’d slipped into a fighting stance naturally, his tyre iron held tightly in a white knuckled grip. When you grow up in the Narrows you have no choice but to always choose fight over flight. He’s shocked out of his fear by a deep throaty laugh. “The fuck?” Slips out before Jason can clamp his mouth shut. Of all the reactions to someone booting your tyres he’d never heard of someone laughing. “You’re a spunky one aren’t you.” Robin, now Jason’s had a chance to take in the recognisable costume, said with the same level of amusement in his tone as Batman’s laugh. He glanced over at his mentor and Jason took in the silent conversation they had. The Bat crouched in front of the small, dirty street kid. “You want hot food and a warm bed? If so, we know someone who owes us one.” Throwing up an eyebrow, Jason takes a step back. His stomach is desperately empty. His mind is fuzzy. His adrenaline from the theft is waning and he knows he can’t hold the tyre iron up much longer. “Ya wouldn’ wanna help some’n’ like me. I ain’t normal.” His thick accent makes them pause. If you weren’t raised in the area, then there is always a slight difficulty in translation. It’s made a bit more difficult for people to understand Jason as his Narrows accent is also intermingled with a Latinx twist from his Mámá. It was something he’d heard his whole life. Don’t mind Jason, he’s not all there. Don’t worry about the kid, he ain’t normal. Fucker, all I do for you and you can’t act like all the other boys. Jason knew, after hanging around with the same group of lads since he could walk, that most young boys dreamed of being Robin. They talked animatedly about how cool it must be to wear the red, yellow, and green while kicking the shit out of people. They all lusted after Batman and Robin’s sometimes partner Batgirl. None of the other teenage boys Jason grew up with wanted to be Batgirl. None of them dreamed about how empowering it must feel to pull on those four-inch, purple boots and not have them holding you back from doing the same things as Batman and Robin. “Well we’re not normal either.” Robin chuckles. “No normal people dress up like we do and fight crime.” Jason had to admit that the sidekick has a point. In the end his overwhelming need for sustenance crowds out any other nervousness he could be feeling, so he reluctantly agreed. Jason helped them put the wheels back on as best he could with his hands shaking. He could blame the cold. He could blame the hunger. He could blame the two heroes of Gotham helping him more than he was helping them. In actuality, the reason his hands were shaking was the knot of Narrows fuelled anxiety over the chance of them finding out just how abnormal he was. It takes Jason a week to figure out that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are Batman and Robin. He spends a few days coming up with a plan to get them both to admit it. Both men are underestimating how sneaky and clever the street kid can be so don’t see everything coming together until it’s at its conclusion. They both try to play it off. Try to pretend that Jason hasn’t guessed it all correctly. Try to pretend that Jason hadn’t caught them in the lie. In the end they tell him everything because Alfred cuffs them both upside the head. The trust both men show Jason in opening up about their pain. The very events that triggered their need for the mission, cements something in him. It solidifies the tentative strands of trust that was between them. The fact Dick was so willing to come to him when he woke up a few nights later with nightmares of falling so he had someone to sit and watch crappy 80’s movies with. The fact Bruce tells him exactly why the Batmobile was parked in Crime Alley that night, the significance of the date. It all goes towards helping Jason realise that maybe these three people are the very people he needs to talk to, to trust in. Even with all that swirling around his mind. Even with all the little ways they’re showing him they want to be his family. The fear engrained in him from years of his father and the other men around the Narrows keeps his mouth shut. He fights through each day, just as he always has; only now the fight is different. Whereas before his fight was for the basics needed to survive. The hunger. The cold. The general desperate need to make it to the next day. Now his fight is different. He has food. Warmth. Safety. He has people who check in on how he’s doing, how he’s feeling or settling in. He has people who care. Now the fight is to keep how he feels about his own body, mind, and soul from spilling over and corrupting one of the first good things this city ever gave him. The dark of night, when Jason knows for sure both Dick and Bruce are out and Alfred is in the cave, is the only time he lets his mind wander into the Fort Knox style vault he keeps his dreams of being more like Batgirl and less like Robin. It’s the only time he lets out the complicated rubber band ball of thoughts and anxieties to try and sift through them all. It’s the only time he willingly thinks about the two people who had started trying to help him untangle all he was feeling.

**** 

6: 

.It had been ten years since Jason returned to Gotham, ten years since Ra’s had dunked his lifeless body into the Lazarus pit to bring Jason screaming and clawing back into existence. In that time things had changed greatly, but not Gotham, Gotham remained the seething hub for all criminality in the country. Jason had long ago given up on ever thinking that Gotham could change, it just seemed to attract the worst of humanity or ever worse, spawn it. Still Jason vowed to continue fighting just on the off chance that Gotham might one day see the light.Jason flicked the butt of his cigarette into the fading light, a singular point of dulling light against the encroaching black of Gotham’s night. The almost permanent blare of police sirens echoed through the streets and up into the skies, only serving to remind Jason just how far they hadn’t come since he pulled on his first pair of green pixie boots. He clambered to his feet, resting his arm on the head of his favourite gargoyle and looked out over the city, wondering where the night would take him. Suddenly his com sparked into life. “Batgirl are you receiving?” Batman was a staple of Gotham now, one of its defining characteristics, even if his mission had failed on every aspect.Still Jason found it difficult to hear Batman speak, knowing that Bruce no longer held the mantle. Batman had fallen to Damian a few years back once Damian had aged into the role, filling the shoes of his father had left empty when he died. There had been a time before Bruce’s death that he and Jason stood apart from each other, separated by their moral compasses, but ultimately in Bruce’s final moments he had made up for all the bad blood between the two of them. Captured once again by the Joker, Jason had found himself in a similar situation to his first death, only this time the Batman arrived early.Bruce had beaten the joker to the ground whilst the bomb counted down, seconds remained when Bruce attached the grapnel line from the Batwing to Jason’s harness point and sent the Batwing soaring off into the sky. Fire and death consumed Bruce and the Joker, the more powerful nature of the bomb vaporising any trace of the hero and villain. When Jason came to in the Batcave he remembered Bruce attaching the cable to his waist and the words he spoke to him. “I’m sorry Jason but I won’t let him take you again. I know we’ve had our troubles, mostly because of my stubbornness, but know this now. I love you.” The family had accepted him back with open arms but Jason struggled to come to terms with his father’s death for quite some time.“I’m receiving Batspawn, I’ll be operational in twenty, see you at RV foxtrot.” Stephanie Brown may not be the first or the strongest Batgirl, but in Jason’s opinion she was the best. They had both come from similar backgrounds and had bonded over their shared life experience, add in to the mix that Jason aged differently that other humans thanks to his dip in the pit and they were roughly the same physical age now so they had unofficially made themselves siblings. Steph’s voice sounded different to Jason, he wasn’t hearing it over his com unit. He craned his neck round and sure enough there she was, stood silently behind him.“Why’d you always have to sneak up on me like that?” Jason mumbled grumpily. “Holy shit someone’s in a bad mood!” Jason had caught her off guard, their relationship a lot more playful that this current interaction. “Ahh fuck, it’s the eighteenth ain’t it?” Steph asked to which Jason simply nodded his head. Bruce’s anniversary always sucked for Jason but for some reason this year, their seventh without Bruce, was hitting Jason harder than before. Steph sidled up behind Jason and wrapped her arms around his chest, he rested his spare arm on top of hers, enjoying the warmth coming from her. “You wanna talk about it?” Steph asked gently as she released her arms and climbed around the other side of the gargoyle.Jason pulled out another cigarette and lit it in rapid succession. “Naa. Don’t even know what to say really.” As Jason exhaled a stream of smoke shot into the night air, the sky now more black than it was red. “Well why don’t you come with us on patrol tonight, we think we’ve got a lead on Pyg.” Jason simply pointed to a rooftop that was several stories lower than their current position, on top of it was the partially strung up body of a failed dollatron and next to it in a pool of his own blood and brain matter was Pyg. “Jason, did you?” Steph looked over at Jason and saw him waving around a sniper rifle that she hadn’t noticed before. “Okay then, well that throws my night wide open. Wanna go get something to eat, ya know, after getting changed?”Jason took a long drag on his cigarette, considering Steph’s idea. “Yeah alright, let’s just wait until Gordon’s boys turn up to collect the bodies.” Jason said flatly. “Cool, I’ll let Bats know we’re offline tonight.” Steph activated her com. “Batgirl to Batman, you receiving?” There was a moments silence before the channel sparked to life again. “Receiving.” Damian replied tersely. “No need to go ahead with the sting tonight, I’ve got eyes on Pyg and I don’t think he’d going to be hurting anyone else ever again.” Steph tried not to giggle but she knew how much Damian hated vague reports.“Goddamn it Batgirl, was this Red Hood again? He’s there with you now isn’t he? Hood what have you done; you know that isn’t how we do things. How many times did father have to tell you!” Jason pulled his helmet fully off and hit the power switch. “Fuck he sounds worse than Bruce did sometimes.” Jason quipped before taking a long drag on his cigarette then flicking it once more into the night. “Hey at least you don’t have to work directly with him, I’m stuck with the little brat!” Steph laughed but Jason knew she was serious. After Bruce’s death Damian had become even more zealot in his quest to become his father and claim his blood right, the cowl.“I’ve told you before, you’d be more than welcome on the Outlaws. Personally, I think Artemis would like it more than I would, she’s crushing on you hard dude.” Steph smiled and laughed, it was good to hear a more upbeat and jovial tone to her brother’s voice. “As tempting as working with my brother and finally getting myself a girlfriend is, I belong in Gotham. Besides, someone’s got to keep Damian in check since Alfred quit; although I don’t blame him.” Steph sighed then snapped into another chain of thought. “Oh Alfred sent me a message the other day, asked me to ask you about Dick?” Jason looked curiously at Steph, throw off by the bizarre question.“Why doesn’t he ask Dick himself, his number hasn’t changed?” Jason asked but Steph gave him that look that only younger sisters can give their older siblings. “You know you’re the only one from the family that he speaks to anymore. He even stopped sending birthday cards to Alfred last year. We’re all worried about him, this self-isolating behaviour can’t be good for him.” Steph now looked worried and Jason supposed he could understand why. Bruce’s death had hit Dick hard too and he’d left America all-together not long after the funeral. He now lived in Europe with Wally and their six adopted kids. He was happy but done with the lifestyle, shutting out all aspects and now, apparently, all the family bar Jason.“He’s okay, spoke to him today for an hour or so. He’s feeling pretty shit like me, but Wally’s got Iris looking after the kids and they’ve gone for a holiday out of the country together.” Steph smiled at hearing Dick was okay but was then distracted by movement on the other rooftop. Gordon, and handful of unis and the CSIs had arrived to cordon off and catalogue the scene. “Come on then.” Steph said to Jason, trying to be as upbeat as possible. “Let’s go eat!”

[coridallasmultipass]

Tmi / talk about menstruation and iud / venting / but i just wanna get this out, and maybe someone else is in the same boat as me because ive never been able to find any accounts of similar experiences ... I wanna preface this by saying im 26 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, which is probably related but i dont know how. I normally have super heavy periods and debilitating cramps, along with discomfort during penetration (or similar activities) on some occasions. Ive tried a couple different birth control options over the years and each one has given me constant cramping. Its weird because the cramping on the pill (2 or 3 different kinds of BC pills in different times of my life) and depoprovera shot were the same in that i would get terrible cramps whenever i did any kind of activity but especially when i stand up from a sitting position. I remember being in college and standing up and having to immediately sit back down hunched over until it passed. I got the depo shot a few months ago and it was the worst thing ever. I had severe cramping with all kinds of movement (and havent been able to even touch myself without setting off the cramps) and after a month of it i started bleeding for a month straight until a doctor gave me estrogen pills on top of it to stop the bleeding. The pills stopped the bleeding but not the cramps, so the plan was for me to wait it out and try an iud next since the medicine would be administered locally instead of by pill or shot through my whole body.... three months during the depo shot i could not exercise or do any physical activity, which of course is making my fibromyalgia and mood worse. I feel like ive lost a whole year to the depo shot, on top of other health problems that have been acting up before the depo. It sucked and im not trying it again. I had about 2 weeks until the mirena iud insertion where i was taking the estrogen pills and still cramping (along with getting a full heavy and bad cramping period during the vitamin-pill week while i waited for the prescription to come in. The cramping was so bad i almost wanted to go to the emergency room, but it lessened by the next day even if i was still going through so many pads.) Before the iud insertion i took a pill the night before which the doctor said could help loosen up my organ to allow for easier insertion since ive never had a kid. I knew i could expect a lot of pain given how sensitive i know i am, but the few people ive heard get them said it was only really painful during and they were fine after, so i figure i could be strong and deal with it if its going to help stop my monthly cramping and bleeding. Turns out the insertion was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life. Normally having a speculum put in already puts me in considerable pain (a speculum feels like a shard of glass shoved in me) but it pales in comparison to getting the iud. I was crying out and struggling to stay still during the proceedure but once it was over i hoped it would start to feel better. It burned with pain and still does days later. I didnt realise i would get severe cramping immediately after the insertion, but i could barely stand up. The doctors had to let me stay in the room for like a half hour before i could limp back to the car. Im lucky i had my mom to drive me home because i could still barely breathe it hurt so badly. I took tylenol about a half hour before the proceedure but i dont think it did anything. I couldnt take advil because of other medicines im taking. So the only other thing i could do is lay there screaming in pain with the heating pad pressed on me. A few hours later my mom had to call an on-call doctor from the same hospital and he said to go to the er so we went. The rest of the night is kind of blurry i was in so much pain and could barely think. The er gave me a painkiller and later a muscle relaxant before telling me i have to stop my other meds so i can take advil. I was there for like 6 hours i think, feeling waves of terrible cramps that feel like a knife is slicing the inside of me - the same feeling as the iud insertion. I feel bad for everyone who had to hear me screaming every 10 minutes and my mom who had to stay with me. The doctors kicked me out immediately after giving me advil and i went home barely able to even walk or move. It took me another 2 hours to manage to fall asleep even though i was so exhausted and had the worst chest and body pain from being so tense at experiencing the worst pain of my life. Nornally, if unmedicated, ill get periods so bad im screaming in pain, but it will only last 1-2 hours until the advil or tylenol kicks in and dulls it down to a bearable ache, so this iud was supposed to be my fall back on options to eliminate cramps. (I really wish the doctor would just let me get a hysterectomy i dont ever want kids and this whole situation is giving me severe gender dysphoria) Yesterday i spent the whole day sleeping off my traumatic er experience and today im still getting really horrible waves of cramping and nausea. Thankfully im not bleeding (...yet?) But it still feels like having a tampon being yanked out of me that wont come out. The knife feeling isnt there so im not screaming, but the cramps are still so bad and i dont know if i need to take it out. The er doctor said to take it out if the advil doesnt help, and that this is most likely anxiety making the pain get out of control. The er nurse said this is normal. Like??? How the fuck to people deal with this im scared about taking it out because thats probably going to hurt even more. I forgot to ask my prescribing doctor if theres a risk for toxic shock or something but like i dont have a fever its just so painful feeling it there. The placement is "right" according to the ultrasounds but it hurts so much and is still giving me cramps I really dont know how anyone could deal with this the whole thing is so upsetting i want it out but i dont want to deal with the proceedure to get it out and that same severe cramping i dont think theyll allow it to be a surgical removal but i wont be able to sit there and deal with it again!!!! Just thinking about all of it is giving me more anxiety too, i have such dysphoria about my internal organs and such a terrible phobia about even having them!!! This amount of cramping should not fucking be "normal" i hate being invalidated at the er like that God i just dont know what to do the cramping is so bad and im still scared of getting an ulcer from the advil. Thats another thing. A year ago i got an ulcer from taking advil because of period cramps, so ive been suffering taking tylenol! Thats why i want a BC that works to get rid of cramps and bleeding!! Now here i am with the worst cramps and bloating of my life!! How am i expected to function like this!!! I dont remember half of the past few days because ive been in so much pain!!! I can only hope this gets better because it feels worse today than it did yesterday, even if its not as bad as the day before when i had the insertion done. The doctor said if im still having the same kind of cramps ive been getting with the other types of birth control after a month i can look into other options (hopefully hysterectomy!!) But thats so far away and i havent been able to practise driving or apply to any jobs because i cant fucking do more than sit or lie down because of the god damn cramps Ive lost like all my personality and enjoyment of life and lost any one i could call a friend because this is consuming me and i cant fucking do anything i hate it i just want something to go right for once i want to be able to exercise again i love exercising and i havent been able to go for a walk without getting winded and severe cramping I cant even find other people that get cramping on birth control when standing up or doing activities so i dont know why this is happening to me ive looked everywhere i can and all i get is dysphoria because """"mensutruation is a womens health problem"""" and my phobia of pregnancy makes it impossible to browse forums I dont know what my point to all this is i just really need to vent because i feel so alone with this specific problem Life sucks and then you die i guess lmao

[ksoap-ie]

My Brother’s Best Friend - 2 Taehyung x Reader

"Being Park Jimin's sister hasn't exactly been a blessing. Although I do in fact love my brother, it's always a struggle to get people to recognise my passion when someone else is already so high above me...

-------

Disclaimer: In no way am I dissing Jimin or his family in this fanfiction. Everything that I am writing is completely made up and for plot line purposes only. I love Jimin and his family very much so please don't think otherwise. Thank you.

Masterlist

"I'm going to a company in Seoul to train in singing and dancing so that one day I can perform..."   "Come again?" I sit on my knees excitedly, "my brother, Park Jimin, is going to become an idol?" Jimin laughs, vigorously nodding his head. "Yes, I am."   "As in, Big Bang kind of idol?"   "Yes..."   "As in, 4minute kind of idol?"   "Yes!"   "An in-" Jimin playfully lets out a quiet yell while shoving my shoulder. He does it lightly but it's enough to make me fall onto the bed covers. Letting out a small giggle, I get up and shove him back and it turns out to be a mini war inside my bedroom.

  At some point Jimin falls off the bed and lands on the hard wooden floor. Grinning, he climbs back on the bed as our laughter dies down. "But really, [Nickname] I'm going to be an idol."   "I know..." I pause for a few seconds before a smile tugs on the edges of my lips, "and you know what?" A silence follows not long after my voice speaks. "I'm very proud of you, Park Jimin."

————————

While Jimin was living his last few days of being a trainee and being desperately close to taking the next step of being an idol, I was doing my last art exams. It was very difficult to say the least. Especially since I'd much rather be cheering my older brother on during his debut but it was hard to find the time to even see him.

Luckily, on the 13th of June my school suddenly decided to shut down due to many teachers being sick and the school not being able to cover lessons. I was able to go visit Jimin and his members for the first time ever.

  I arrived at BigHit only ten minutes before the boys debut so I was told to go where the cameras were recording the boys who were on the stage. Sitting down on a metal chair in the audience, I looked up at the stage. The boys were coming on. The camera started rolling. Park Jimin was debuting.

  Once the the lights dimmed down and the and the music faded out, the girls in the audience stared screaming. Meanwhile, the newly debuted boy group bowed thankfully before heading backstage. As soon as they left, I got up from the hardened metal chair. A stabbing pain twisted in my back, however that didn't stop me from wrapping my fingers around the previously brought plastic shopping bags and walking backstage. Loud screams and talking was heard from the door that lead backstage. The screams seemed to be from someone younger as well as laughter coming from a voice which was more deeper then normal. Grabbing the handle, I opened the door and the view of backstage lays before me. Near the door where I was standing, was Jimin. His hair was still dark brown and he was wearing the same clothes he wore on stage. A black cap patterned with shades of orange and yellow was placed backwards on his head. He wore a black tank top that had shiny, gold writing printed onto the chest, it read: 'A FENDI BAG AND A BAD ATTITUDE' and showed off his muscles. Underneath his black shorts with gold detailing  around the sides that stopped long before his knees were thigh-high socks. Three white stripes were sewn onto the black socks just under his knees. To finish off his look, Jimin wore simple black trainers, except his midsole and foxing being white. A gold chain hugged his neck and finally on one hand he wore a golden bracelet and on the other was a similar golden watch.

  Jimin's eyes glanced towards the door as it opened and quickly said goodbye to the camera. Not long after, he rushed in my direction, immediately taking the plastic bags from my hands. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at school right now. You do know it's a Thursday right?" Laughing at his continuous questions, I shook my head. "No, my school was shut down for today because there wasn't enough teachers to teach classes so luckily we could have a day off. But Jiminie..." After hearing his name he makes a quiet 'hm' sound. Whilst grinning I wrap my arms around his shoulders and jump up and down squealing like the girls in the audience. "I'm so proud of you, I hope you know that. I mean, my idiot of a brother, becoming an idol. That's going to take some time to get used to... really though you're doing great. It's going to get harder but you've always got your younger sister support you in Busan, okay? Okay."

A grin stretches on Jimin's plump lips and he parts his lips as if to say something. However, the man with the deep voice flings his arm around my brothers shoulder. He is a lot taller then Jimin, probably a few inches or so. His hair is partly dyed, on the top of his head is a curly mess of light brown and underneath is an undercut which is a dark shade brown, almost black. Now looking at his face, his ears are noticeably larger then average. His lips curve into a boxy smile with teeth white as freshly fallen snow. Gleaming, his black eyes are painted in eyeliner giving the man an almost rebellious, perhaps emo look. The makeup which he's wearing gives the impression that this man is not someone you'd want to mess with despite having an immense smile planted on his face. "Who's this Jimin?" Said name looks up at the curtly mess and forms crescent moons on his eyes. "This is my sister, Y/N, she came to see my today from Busan. I think I've told you about her before." "Hm..." The man places his index finger and thumb on each side of his chin as if in thought, "the sister that had a crush on her home room teacher? Or the one that tried to crawl into the back of an ice cream van?" My face immediately turns red and I look at Jimin in disbelief. "You told someone about that? Jimin I told you not to tell anyone!" Jimin starts laughing the moment I start hitting him uninterruptedly.   "So that was you?" The curly mess asks, "Jimin talks about you a lot. I'm Kim Taehyung, stage name is V." A boxy grin is formed on his face and he makes a peace sign backwards, making the letter 'V' with his middle and index finger. I grin and bow at him. "It's nice to meet you." Then, heavy footsteps belonging to a lanky man come towards us. He is dressing in black like the others with a fire-like pattern printed onto his t-shirt. Hidden underneath is a long-sleeved shirt and black jeans which are covered up with black socks similar to Jimin's. Dangled from his neck is a golden chain and to finish off the look he had black sunglasses placed on the bridge of his nose. "Hello, my name is-" if I remember right, his name tag said- "RM." He takes of his glasses and instead puts them so they're hanging off his collar, meanwhile I slightly bow. "Your the leader, right? Nice to meet you, I'm Jimin's sister, Y/N." "It's good to meet you as well, Jimin talks a lot about you." He laughs, resting his hand at the back of his neck, fingers fiddling with the chain that's hanging. "Would you like to take a seat? You can meet the other members and also talk with Jimin as much as you want, I'm sure you both missed each other." I smile at him, and nod.

Warmth suddenly crawls up my hands and an unknown feeling of comfort lingers inside my soul. Large fingers embrace themselves around mine, emitting security from such a simple gesture. With a light yet abrasive tug, I stumble on my feet as they are forced forward. My eyes glance towards the culprit face for a split second. Time seems as if it stops despite it being not very long. The corner of his lips grew into a boxy smile belonging to the one and only. Kim Taehyung. "HEY! Kim Taehyung-"

————————— "-! What are you doing with my sister?!" Taehyung's grasps mine tighter as he drags me away from my older brother. It's after the last shoot of the boys most recent song, DNA. BTS have been getting more and more popular as days go on, in fact they are even known around the world by many. For me, I've now finished school. Unfortunately Mum, Dad and Jimin couldn't attend my graduation. None of them could find the time since they're all busy with work but it's okay, I'm just glad it's over. Recently I've applied for a job in design, the employer needed someone that was willing to spend time coming up with creative pieces so they they could advise illness which are often brushed away. It's been about a month so hopefully I'll be told if I've got the job or not yet.

A pain shoots through my hand, pausing my train of thought abruptly. "Run, Y/N! Run!" Oh right... "Quickly go now! He'll catch you!" Only a few meters away, lays Taehyung. His ash grey hair is spread out along the floor, as he speaks his breath falls out uneven. His arms are surprisingly pinned down by Jimin, who's seemingly laughing with the exception of his expression.

I push myself from the floor and start sprinting as quick as possible from a sweet danger.

[wittyvitale]

A Sick Special Inquisitor (A Fluffy Xenoblade Chronicles 2 Fanfic)

Description: Mòrag has the flu and Brighid takes care of her. A fluffy Mòrag/Brighid fic.

Author’s Note: Thanks so much to those of you who read and/or reviewed The Prince of Mor Ardain! I’m so happy you liked it. I wrote this one bc I honestly love the whole “taking care of you when you’re sick” trope and I thought it would make a cute Mòraghid fic. It’s so fun to write about these two, I just love them so much.

 Ideally I want to post this story and my previous one on AO3, but my request hasn’t been approved yet. It’s estimated that I’ll get an invitation this weekend, so hopefully I’ll get my account soon. But for now, Tumblr and FF.net will have to suffice. Enjoy!

  Mòrag finished putting on her uniform and looked in the mirror to ensure that nothing was out of place. Emperor Niall had requested her presence in the throne room, so she needed to look flawless. As she placed her hat on top of her head to complete the outfit, she heard a knock at the door.

“Lady Mòrag, may I come in?” the familiar voice of her Blade asked.

“Ah, there you are, Brighid. Yes, you may enter.” Mòrag responded, coughing lightly into her gloved hand after answering.

“Good Morning, Lady Mòrag,” Brighid greeted as she entered her Driver’s bedroom. “Preparing for your audience with His Majesty?”

 “Indeed. I believe he wants to discuss Mor Ardain’s prospective trade deals with Tantal.” Mòrag began to cough again at the end of her sentence. Brighid’s eyebrows furrowed in concern.

 “Lady Mòrag, are you feeling all right?” Brighid asked. Mòrag cleared her throat and nodded.

 “I’m fine, thank you. Merely a tickle in my throat. Shall we depart for the throne room?”

 Brighid answered by placing the back of her hand against Mòrag’s cheek.

“B-Brighid, what are you-“

 “Go back to bed. You’re sick,” Brighid said firmly. “You’re burning up, I’m almost certain you have a fever.”

 “You’re a fire Blade, Brighid. Anything you touch will feel exceptionally warm.”

 “Do you honestly think I don’t know the difference between my own warmth and another heat source, Lady Mòrag?”

“Please, Brighid, it’s just a small cold. I’ve worked while sick before. I truly appreciate your concern, but I think you’re worrying too much.”

“But Lady Mòrag-“

“I propose a compromise: I have mountains of paperwork that require my attention. After our audience with His Majesty, I will return to my bedroom and complete said paperwork. I’ll be off my feet and in my bedroom while still completing my duties as Special Inquisitor. Does this sound fair to you Brighid?”

Brighid sighed. Whenever Mòrag became ill, the two of them would always have the same conversation; Brighid would tell her to rest, Mòrag would become stubborn and claim that she was perfectly capable of working, they’d go back and forth for a while, and then they would agree on a compromise that never satisfied either one of them. Brighid wasn’t sure why she expected this exchange to go any differently.

“Very well, Lady Mòrag. But I’ll accompany you back and forth myself to ensure that you’ll stay true to your word.” Brighid answered seriously.

“Do you really trust me so little, Brighid?”

“Under these circumstances, yes. But only because previous experience has proven that you place your own well-being aside for the sake of His Majesty and the Empire. Somebody has to take care of you, and seeing as I’m your Blade, that responsibility falls to me.”

Mòrag couldn’t help but smile after hearing that. “Fair enough. I consider myself lucky to have a Blade who cares for me so deeply. Come. The sooner we arrive at the meeting, the sooner we can return.”

 Brighid smiled back at her Driver, happy that she was being more agreeable. “Roger that, Lady Mòrag.”

 ***

 Emperor Niall, Mòrag, and Brighid sat around the table and were on the verge of wrapping up the meeting. The discussion was very productive and went without a hitch, save for Mòrag coughing a few times.

“And Special Inquisitor, I have one more request of you.” Niall said as Mòrag and Brighid stood up from their seats.

“Yes, Your Majesty?” Mòrag asked respectfully.

“Before heading off to your next duty, I want you to go to the infirmary and have one of our doctors examine you.”

“Majesty?”

“You have been coughing intermittently throughout our meeting and your face is flush. I can tell you’re unwell. Please get checked by one of our doctors.”

“But Majesty-“

“That’s an order, Special Inquisitor.” Niall interrupted, using a more authoritative tone with Mòrag. She looked at the floor defeated.

“As you wish, Your Majesty.” Mòrag relented, nodding her head towards Niall. The Emperor softened his facial expression and tone.

“I know how hard you push yourself. That’s why I want you to get medical attention. Please, dear sister, I want you to take care of yourself.”

 Brighid put her hand on Mòrag’s shoulder and gave Niall a reassuring smile. “Not to worry, Your Majesty. I will ensure that Lady Mòrag is seen by a doctor and gets proper rest the second we leave the throne room.”

 Niall returned Brighid’s smile. “Thank you, Brighid. I trust that my sister will be safe and cared for under your watchful eye. You may take your leave now.”

 Brighid simply nodded, a silent promise to the Emperor that she would take good care of Mòrag while she was sick. Both Mòrag and Brighid turned around and headed for the infirmary.

 ***

 According to the palace doctor, Mòrag had the flu. She was instructed to take a week off of work in order to regain her strength and fully recover. Mòrag felt that the doctor’s order was akin to a death sentence; she wasn’t the type of person who enjoyed lying around and doing nothing. She was absolutely miserable, both physically and mentally.

Mòrag found herself sitting up in her bed, waiting for Brighid to return from the palace kitchens. In the privacy of her bedroom, Mòrag was dressed more comfortably; her long black hair was untied from its usual bun and she wore a form-fitting white tank top with a pair of black shorts.

The bedroom door opened, catching Mòrag’s attention. She saw Brighid carrying a tray with a steaming bowl on top of it.

“A 104 degree fever,” Brighid said disbelievingly as she used her foot to kick the door closed. “The average human wouldn’t even have the strength to stand with that kind of fever, let alone conduct official business with the Emperor of Mor Ardain.”

“Might I remind you, Brighid, that you may be part of the reason why I can tolerate a high fever so well?” Mòrag asked, slightly shifting to the side in order to give Brighid room to sit. “You and I have engaged in numerous battles in which you’ve channeled the full power of your flames into me. I’ve grown quite accustomed to heat.”

Brighid sighed as she sat down and placed the tray over Mòrag. “Don’t try to blame me for this. You and I both know that you’ve been feeling the full effects of your illness today. You just refused to address them because you’re so stubborn.”

 Mòrag was about to object when Brighid took a napkin off of the tray and tucked it into the top of Mòrag’s tank top, fingers coming dangerously close to Mòrag’s breasts. Mòrag’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Brighid, what do you think you’re-“

“Hush. Try to save your voice now. The doctor told you that your throat is inflamed, remember? I got the palace chefs to make you some Argentum Noodle Soup. It’s supposed to help with sore throats, and you need something in your stomach anyway. Now open up.”

Brighid stirred the soup a few times before holding a spoonful towards Mòrag. The Special Inquisitor stared at her Blade incredulously.

“Surely you don’t intend to feed me? The doctor did instruct me to reduce physical exertion, but this is far too extreme.”

“Do you remember our conversation from this morning? As your Blade, it is my job to ensure your health and safety. And I don’t believe that only applies to battle. I also promised His Majesty that I’d take care of you.”

“Regardless, I’m more than capable of feeding myse-“ Mòrag was interrupted by Brighid sticking the spoon in her mouth. Mòrag widened her eyes in shock before swallowing the soup on the spoon. When Brighid removed the spoon, a flash of anger appeared in Mòrag’s eyes.

“Brighid!” Mòrag exclaimed, continuing to glare at her Blade. “Why must you insist on accosting me?!”

Brighid just laughed. “Accosting you? Now I know you’re sick. The Lady Mòrag I know would never be so over-dramatic.”

Mòrag huffed in annoyance, lay back against the headboard, and folded her arms across her chest. She hated losing and she now had to come to grips with the fact that she had just lost this “battle” to Brighid. “Very well. I get the feeling you won’t relent and I honestly do not have the strength to argue. If you insist on spoon-feeding me like an bairn, I’ll allow it this once.”

Brighid beamed at her Driver and got another spoonful of soup ready. “That’s all I ask, Lady Mòrag. You put the burden of the entire Empire on your shoulders and rarely give a thought to yourself. For once, you need to let somebody take care of you. Now open your mouth.”

Mòrag, eyes not meeting Brighid’s gaze, complied with the request. Brighid gently put another spoonful of soup in Mòrag’s mouth. When Brighid removed the spoon, Mòrag had a small pout on her face. Brighid had to hold back a laugh at her Driver’s facial expression; she looked more like a petulant child than Mor Ardain’s Special Inquisitor.

Brighid continued to spoon feed Mòrag, using her natural heat source to ensure that the soup stayed nice and warm. Mòrag continued to eat, pout on her face throughout the duration. In Brighid’s eyes, Mòrag looked adorable. She was half tempted to poke Mòrag’s puffed out cheek with her finger, but she decided against it. She knew her Driver was agitated enough and didn’t want to push her luck; just getting Mòrag to agree to being spoon fed was a big deal. When the soup was half eaten, Mòrag’s eyes moved toward Brighid’s face.

“I must admit, this soup tastes rather good,” Mòrag started, the frown starting to dissipate from her face. “It’s having a soothing effect on my throat as well.”

“I told you.” Brighid replied. “You’ll feel even better once you finish it.”

Brighid continued to spoon feed Mòrag until the soup was gone. The soup had definitely made Mòrag feel better; it reduced the pain in her throat and satisfied her hunger. And although she didn’t want to admit it, she kind of liked having somebody feed her. Especially since that somebody was Brighid.

Mòrag was broken out of her thoughts by Brighid removing the napkin from her tank top and quickly wiping Mòrag’s mouth with it. Mòrag was slightly irritated by the infantilized motion, but she got over it quickly and gave Brighid a small smile.

“Thank you, Brighid,” Mòrag said genuinely. “I didn’t want to admit it, but… it feels kind of nice to be taken care of. I’ve already said it once today, but I’m very lucky to have you as my Blade.”

“It’s my pleasure, Lady Mòrag,” Brighid replied with a small bow. She then gave her Driver a sly smile. “And I’m glad to hear you confess that you like being taken care of. We don’t only have to do this when you’re sick, you know. When you’re feeling better, I can pamper you in many different ways.”

“Baby steps, Brighid.” Mòrag replied, ending her sentence with a yawn.

“Yes, of course. Anyway, I think you should try to get some sleep now. You’ll probably feel even better after a nap.”

“A nap. I can’t remember the last time I took one of those. But yes, sleep will probably do me good.” Before she was able to lay down under the covers, Mòrag made a sound of discomfort.

“Lady Mòrag, are you all right?” Brighid asked, concern in her voice.

“It’s the strangest thing. I feel very cold all of a sudden. Could this be another symptom of my illness?” Mòrag asked, rubbing her hands up and down her arms as an attempt to warm herself. Brighid immediately put the back of her hand on Mòrag’s forehead and felt the strong heat of Morag’s 104 degree fever.

“Yes.” Brighid answered, standing up to get another blanket from Mòrag’s dresser.

“I almost forgot what being cold feels like. The combination of our intense training sessions and Mor Ardain’s high temperatures have spoiled me, I suppose.”

“’Spoiled’ is an interesting word for it. Lay down.”

Mòrag lay underneath the covers while Brighid draped another blanket over her. Brighid could still see Morag shivering through the blankets.

“Forgive me, Lady Mòrag. I know you wanted to take baby steps, but there’s something I must do.”

Brighid lifted the covers and lay in bed next to Mòrag. She wrapped her arms around her Driver and hugged her against her body. Mòrag gasped at the intimate contact and sudden warmth.

“Brighid?”

“Shhh, just relax. Do you feel any warmer?”

Mòrag started to feel Brighid’s warmth permeate through her skin, fighting the chills from her sickness.

“Y-yes. That feels much…better.” Mòrag yawned again. Brighid’s warmth had now become stronger, making Mòrag drowsy.

“Good. Try to sleep now.” Brighid said soothingly, lightly stroking Mòrag’s hair.

“Thank you, Brighid. For everything today. I… truly do…love…” before Mòrag could finish her sentence, she fell fast asleep.

Brighid smiled fondly at her Driver. Her Lady Mòrag, the woman she loved. Brighid felt Mòrag’s soft breathing against her chest and even heard a few soft snores. Brighid hugged Mòrag tighter and placed a gentle kiss against her cheek.

“I love you too, Lady Mòrag.”

[vaguelyrotten]

Like a Lily in a Flood

Title: Like a Lily in a Flood Artist: @myulalie Beta: @another-random-stranger​​ Pairings: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, mentions of Jimon and Reyhill Word Count: 70k Warnings: Mild Gore, Beheading, Nearly being eaten alive and burned at the stake, Discrimination, Sickness Summary:  Alec returns home to find his town plagued by a mysterious illness. Unable to find a cure, he ventures into the woods to seek help from an unlikely source. We must not look at goblin men... This fic was created for the Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2021: Presented by the @malecdiscordserver

Chapter Four

Isabelle’s ingredients turned out to be a handful of seeds, spices, and spirits that they hadn’t had in the storeroom at the manor. Alec knew that he could pick up a majority of the ingredients at the general store. The others he would have to ask around for...and hope he got lucky. He tied Flame to the hitching post out front and went inside.

A bell jingled gently as he pushed open the door. The store was owned by Lucian Greymark — the step-father of the girl that Jace was absolutely smitten with. Lucian had been in his father’s army until an injury had forced him to retire early. Luke had always been kind to Alec and his siblings and had always paid them more attention than Robert had when the kids had visited or accompanied their father on routine patrols where they didn’t expect to see any action. He still helped out around town where he could — even if most days he was found working at Greymark's General Mart.

Luke was nowhere to be seen today, apparently, as it was Clary’s mother Jocelyn behind the counter. “Alec? Is that you? By the angel, look how much you’ve grown. You were barely eighteen when you left us!” She stepped around the counter to pull him into a tight hug. “How long has it been? Two years? Three?”

“Five, actually,” Alec replied. “Next year will be my last year of school.”

“My gosh, how time flies. What can I help you with today. I hear your mother is out of town — are you here for your household’s weekly order?”

Alec shrugged; he hadn’t known that there was a weekly order but if he was here, he might as well pick it up. His mother had left him in charge of running the manor in her absence, after all. “Well, I wasn’t, but I can certainly pick it up while I’m here. Izzy wanted me to grab a few things for her while she was preoccupied.” He pulled the list out of his pocket and handed it to her. “Do you have all this or know where I could get it?”

She scanned the small piece of parchment before nodding. “I think I’ve got most of it. It will take me a few minutes to put it together. Do you want to wait or would you like to come back? Shouldn’t take me long...maybe twenty, thirty minutes tops. If you’ve got other errands to run, now would be a good time.”

“I’ll come back, thank you,” Alec replied with a smile. “I want to stop by the Dough-Re-Me Bakery and pick Max up a treat. It’s been a while since he’s gotten to be spoiled by his big brother.”

“I’m sure he will most certainly appreciate it. This will be ready for you by the time you return.”

----------

The bakery was owned by the older sister of one of Alec’s old classmates. He and Andrew had been good friends growing up and they had often been the guinea pigs for Ava’s recipes before she’d finally been able to buy the bakery of her dreams. It may be the only actual bakery in town but Alec knew that she would be willing to whip him up a sweet treat for his younger brother if she didn’t already have any available.

The store was empty when he first entered, but a set of sleigh bells hanging on the door handle announced his arrival. Alec waited patiently, knowing that Ava was likely up to her elbows in dough in the back room. When the door behind the counter finally swung open, it was Andrew who stepped through.

“Alec? My gosh, when did you get back? I thought you’d gotten too good for us out there in the big city!”

“I haven’t been back long,” he laughed, extending his hand to Andrew. “Two weeks or so — my mother called me back to keep an eye on things while she went to Alicante to petition the king for help to find a cure. I had some errands to run so I thought I’d stop by and pick up something for Max while I was in town. Is your sister around? I was hoping to get some of her famous caramel cookies.”

Andrew’s smile faltered and Alec knew that he’d said something wrong. “Unfortunately, Ava has fallen to the stone sickness.”

“I’m so sorry,” Alec replied, grasping Andrew’s hand tighter and pulling the other man into a hug. “I didn’t know.”

“This illness isn’t your fault...and your father was one of the first to succumb. It seems no one is safe,” The other man sighed and stepped away from the hug. “In the meantime, I’m doing what I can to keep this place going. I can bake but I can’t work the wonders in the kitchen that my sister can. I hope your mother and the council are successful in Alicante. A cure for this cannot come soon enough.”

Alec wanted desperately to reassure Andrew that one way or another — whether his mother gained the King’s support or not — that he was determined to find a cure. How do you tell someone who was raised to be terrified of the magic that the woods hold that you’d gone to that very place looking for the monsters who live there in hopes that they could offer help that could save the town? He was fairly certain that the other man wouldn’t judge him for attempting to go to the goblins for help, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up regardless.

“Something will come, I’m sure of it. Everything happens for a reason,does it not? ‘After the storm, the sun will shine again’ as the saying goes…Now, I’ve got some time before Jocelyn has my order ready. Is there something I can help you with while I wait? We can catch up.”

----------

Helping Andrew around the store took longer than Alec had expected, but it had been nice to catch up with him despite the rather unfortunate circumstances surrounding it. By the time he made it back to Greymark’s General Mart, the sun was high in the afternoon sky. The bell over the door caught Jocelyn’s attention and she looked up from the counter. “Ah, there you are. You get tied up at the bakery?”

“Just catching up with Andrew,” he replied, stepping up to the counter and removing his coin purse from his pocket. “I haven’t spoken with anyone outside of my siblings since I moved to Alicante. We used to go to school together.”

“That’s right, I forgot that you’re a few years older than Clary. Such a shame about Ava — we’ve lost too many good people to this blasted illness.”

“Speaking of...Luke — is he…?

“Oh no!” She replied quickly. “Lucian is absolutely fine. We’ve had a lot of the guard fall victim however, so he was asked to go to the border to assist with strategy. Apparently there have been some skirmishes with the locals and being down so many men right now has the Captain worried. Lucian might not be able to fight any longer but he still has his tactical mind.” She handed him his change and patted his hand reassuringly. “I’ll tell him you said hello though. Hopefully, he’ll be here before you head back to the city. I know that he’d like to see you.”

----------

By the time Alec returned home, the sun had long since dipped below the treeline and Jace had apparently returned from the job that he had taken.

“Did you forget how to get to town since you’ve been gone?” His sister asked, barely looking up from a piece of parchment in her hand.

“No, I spent the afternoon helping Andrew out and catching up with him,” Alec replied, placing the bags that he had been carrying on the table next to her and fishing around in one for a small, white box. “I was hoping to pick up some of Ava’s caramel cookies but I didn’t realize that she’d fallen ill. You’ll have to settle for chocolate chip instead.”

Jace jumped off the corner of the table that he’d been perching on and made a desperate grab for the white cardboard box.

“I thought you were full,” Isabelle stated, leveling a glare in her brother’s direction. “That’s specifically what you said when I offered to make dinner.”

Jace winced all too aware of the lie that he’d just been caught in. “That was then and this is now. Besides, am I just supposed to say no to free cookies?” He replied, stuffing one in his mouth and holding the box out in her general direction as a peace offering. She hesitated for only a moment before she sighed and accepted a cookie.

“If I remember correctly, Ava was one of the first people outside of the soldiers who got sick.” She flipped the paper that she was holding over and pointed. “See: Ava Underhill - May 1st. She’s at the top of the list right underneath father’s men.”

“This is a list of everyone that’s gotten sick?” Alec asked, taking the parchment from her and paling as he realized just how many names were there.

“Since the beginning,” Isabelle replied sadly. “We just added three more names today. Trust me, a cure cannot come soon enough.”

“Speaking of — any luck with the paste? Or did we hit another dead end?”

“I haven’t been back upstairs yet...let’s go take a look.”

----------

Their father lay unconscious and unmoving and exactly how they had left him earlier that morning. The disgusting green goo that they’d rubbed on his arms had dried, leaving a slightly less disgusting flakey mess in its place. “Well, the clean up will certainly be easier than the application,” Alec muttered, scrapping at some of the residue that had been left behind. “I don’t think I’ll ever get the green out of my skin.”

“Oh, quit complaining,” His sister replied, following suit with their father’s over arm. She poked at the skin that had been revealed and then frowned. “Alec...I think it did something. He doesn’t feel as cold...and his skin isn’t exactly as hard? I mean, it’s definitely not entirely a cure but it’s definitely something.”

Alec finished flaking the rest of the paste off and tapped his father’s arm, repeating the process on an area of skin that they hadn’t applied the poultice to earlier. “It’s… I don’t know. You’re right...somehow. Magnus did say treat the symptoms and maybe they would lead to a cure. It’s a start...but I wouldn’t be getting my hopes up that we’ve managed to do what the various physicians couldn’t.”

“Those physicians didn’t have my stubborn older brother and his determination to take care of his family. We should make some more of that paste… and it can’t hurt to try some of the tea I whipped up earlier too…” Alec could already see his sister’s mind going a thousand miles a minute with all the possibilities that had now opened up with the first start of...hope.

“Izzy,” He grabbed her shoulders gently and forced her to stand still for just a moment. “Iz, just remember...this is a start, alright? It’s not the cure but it could lead there.” She nodded her understanding and Alec couldn’t help but pull her into a hug. “Alright, now… you want to make some more, you said? What can I do to help?”

----------

Long after his sister had finally finished ordering him around, by some miracle, he’d been able to herd her off to bed. He closed his bedroom door behind himself and sighed, glancing briefly at the clock as he did. If he managed to fall asleep within the next half an hour, he could get a few hours of rest before he had to be up to rein his sister in before she worked herself half to death trying something that may or may not work.

He began the arduous process of getting himself ready for sleep, realizing for the first time since he’d gotten home from his trip to town earlier that day just how exhausted he was. He laid down and closed his eyes when a sudden frantic buzzing had him jolt away. He sat up in time to see a small piece of paper fall to his bed and ignite the end of his quilt as it landed. He jumped out of bed, throwing the quilt onto the floor and beating at the small fire with his pillow until it was fully extinguished before slowly picking it up to get a closer look.

He couldn’t keep the small smile from his face as he read.

My darling Alexander —

I hope this letter finds you well. I apologize if I gave you a fright… it only occurred to me once I’d already made up my mind to send it that most non-magically inclined people may never have seen a fire message before. Ragnor assures me that I’m being a blind and besotted idiot but alas, there are some parts of our souls that we just cannot change.

I hope you are having much better luck than I am in finding a cure for the people of Idris. My poor friend Raphael remains very much allergic to sunlight. We’ve spent the day pouring over all of Ragnor’s books but between my innate magical ability, Ragnor’s tendency to be a packrat, and Catarina’s healing, we’ve yet to find something that actually works.

Though we only had three short nights together, I cherished the time that we were able to spend together. I’ve never met anyone quite like you, Alexander, and I do hope that one day our paths will cross once again. (Preferably sooner rather than later.)

Until then,

Magnus Bane

PS - I just now realize that this might be a little awkward with leaving you no way to return the letter. I forget that not everyone has access to magic. Until I find a solution, I’ll just have to imagine your responses.

Magnus had included a sketch below his signature of a sprig of what looked like rosemary (though Alec had to admit that he was certainly no expert.) He knew that Magnus had gone over the plant’s meaning and medical use during the few days that they had spent together but without going back downstairs to cross reference the pages of handwritten notes that he’d left in the workshop, he knew that the meaning of the plant was would remain a mystery until the morning.

He set the letter aside, hiding it under some letters from family in the drawer of his end table, and let himself drift to sleep with a content smile on his face.

----------

Two weeks later, he and his siblings were no closer to finding a cure outside of their mild success with the disgusting green paste. His father’s skin had remained hard but the paste had helped by returning some of the natural color, replacing the greyness that they had come to associate with the illness.

Unfortunately, his father remained unconscious.

“I hate to say it, Alec, but we might need you to go see if Magnus could offer any more assistance,” his sister stated with a sigh, wiping the remnants of their latest attempt at some sort of tea off on a towel that he had passed her. “I’ve tried everything I can think of here...I just don’t have the knowledge that someone who grew up in the woods would have. Our ancestors weren’t exactly close with the goblins...there’s probably a ton that the books haven’t included.”

Alec had known that eventually he’d be asked to venture into Edom Forest once again and he’d been anxiously counting down the number of recipes that were left in the little journal that his sister had been keeping. They’d crossed the last one off the list early the previous day and he’d been waiting for his sister to broach the topic of needing more knowledge or ingredients ever since.

Truth be told, there was another reason that Alec wanted to go try to find Magnus but that he’d never admit to Isabelle and Jace. Ever since Magnus’ first letter �� fire message, he reminded himself — had come the day after he had returned home, he’d received at least a short message every night. Three nights ago, however, the letters had stopped and Alec had grown increasingly worried each night that passed without one.

His instincts told him that something had happened and that Magnus was in trouble and Alec had learned early on to listen to those instincts when they were trying to tell him something.

“Well, the plus side is that at least this time I have a way to find him,” Alec replied, trying not to seem too eager as he patted the chest pocket where he’d kept the magical coin since his return. “Do you have a list for me? Or do you want me to see what Magnus comes up with?”

His sister looked him over with a judgemental eye and Alec was certain for a moment that she could see right through him. “I’ve got a list, but I also wouldn’t be opposed to you picking your goblin’s brain for any other information that he can offer us.”

“I can leave shortly — just let me pack enough for a couple of days just in case and I can head right out.”

----------

By the time Alec finally set out to head to Edom Forest, he was an ever growing bundle of nerves. He couldn’t get to the woods fast enough. He spurred his horse down the dirt path without even hesitating at the entrance as he had each of the prior times he’d come before. Once he was past the entrance and where he was certain the wards that Magnus had mentioned before began, only then did he finally bring Flame to a stop so he could fish the coin out from his pocket without risking losing it.

Magnus had only given him the barest instructions on how to use the coin so he would just have to trust in the magic that apparently made it work.

He held the coin cat side down in his hand and waited a few tense moments where nothing appeared to happen. Finally, the coin spun slowly before pointing down a trail that Alec was fairly certain he hadn’t taken before. He closed his hand over the coin and continued to ride, pausing every so often to check the direction that the arrow was pointing.

He rode hard for the remainder of the day, wishing that Magnus had included some sort of spell to tell him just how close he was getting to his target. As night fell and Alec’s horse began to breathe heavily from the day’s exertion, he was starting to worry that he wouldn’t stumble across Magnus before the darkness completely took over the woods.

There was an unnatural scream from straight ahead and Alec was instantly on guard. Flame reared and Alec lost his balance and fell from his horse’s back in a way that he hadn’t since he’d first learned to ride. The gelding took off back the direction that they’d come from, leaving Alec sitting in the mud alone. “Hey! Flame! Get back here!”

There was another roar — this time louder and closer — and all the natural sounds from the woods came to a complete halt. The birds had stopped singing, the frogs had stopped croaking, and the crickets had stopped chirping.

A silent woods was a dangerous woods and Alec realized very quickly that he had made a grave mistake.

He dared not move hoping that whatever predator was in the woods somewhere in the darkness ahead chose not to come this way and investigate further.

He held his breath knowing that he’d have no such luck. That’s not the way things worked for Alec Lightwood.

There was no further shriek that came, but the crashing through the undergrowth grew louder and closer. He glanced up at the trees around him wondering if he could scale them as quickly and as quietly as his little brother could. Finally the movement stopped and Alec...couldn’t breathe. “Sire! Over here — we found somethin’!” A voice half-screamed, half-mewled from somewhere off to Alec’s left. He could only sit there frozen as the voices grew closer, and Alec found himself about to face the Goblin King himself.

A man stepped out of the undergrowth wearing a tattered suit of red and black that appeared to have mushrooms growing out of each shoulder. His feet were bare and he was wearing a hat that sported a gold and white feather that belonged to no bird that Alec had ever seen. “Well, well, well…” The man started, holding up the lantern and allowing Alec to finally notice his eyes.

Familiar cat eyes stared down at him with a mocking expression on the unfamiliar face.

“What do we have here?” The man asked, bending down to get a closer look at Alec. “A human, how strange. You’ve somehow managed to make it past my son’s protective wards and found yourself this far into the forest, without running into any of the beasts that lurk in the shadows waiting for their unsuspecting prey. What shall I do with you?”

He inched closer and Alec tried to scoot backwards, running smack into a set of legs that ended in clawed bird feet. The man grinned, his smile a little too large and his teeth a little too pointed for Alec’s comfort as he took a tentative sniff of the air in front of Alec. “Well isn’t that interesting. You smell of that stupid brat that wandered into the woods not too long that didn’t realize the danger that he walked right into...and there’s something else.” He took another sniff and the wolfish smile was replaced with a scowl. “And my son’s magic. You reek of him.”

There was only one person with magic that Alec had any sort of regular, well irregular, contact with in the last few weeks...at least to his knowledge.

That meant...Magnus.

Magnus was the son of the Goblin King himself.

Magnus was a prince.

“We’ve found hoofprints,” the goblin with the bird feet spoke up, his voice a whistling trill that was painful to Alec’s ears. “Not ones that belong to that damn vicious beast that he rides around on. These are shod — the horse was wearing shoes.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me sooner?!” Asmodeus screamed, his anger materializing in a flare of angry red magical flames behind him. The goblins took a few hasty steps back, terrified of their king’s power. The bird-footed one waited until the flames had subsided before he took half a step forward, his hands raised in peace.

“We were hoping to catch ‘im, they were often traveling together. We thought you would enjoy being gifted your son and his new toy.”

Asmodeus took a deep breath, apparently calming his nerves in a way that Alec was sure wasn’t actually working. “A little bit of warning when my son is involved is always preferred, especially after the brat stole something that was rightfully mine.” He glanced down at Alec, the disgust clearly written on his face. “Perhaps…”

He snapped his fingers and a mole-like goblin with large teeth and long toes scurried forward. “Yes, sire?”

“My son stole from me, so I shall take something that belongs to him. Take him back to camp; it looks like our dinner came to us today.”

Alec found himself roughly shoved backwards. Two goblins held him down, with a third coming up behind them and quickly began wrapping thick rope-like vines around his hands and feet. He thrashed about, trying to free himself from the goblin’s grasp, but one of the creatures holding him sent a quick jolt of magic through his body, effectively freezing his limbs. Alec opened his mouth to scream, hoping at least to be able to shout for Magnus and hope that the half-goblin was close enough to hear, but found that no words would leave his mouth.

Asmodeus grinned slyly at Alec’s bound state before turning and disappearing back into the forest, expecting his crew to follow after him. The bird-like goblin waved a hand in Alec’s direction and Alec found himself slowly lifting into the air and floating after the troop of creatures.

As the group moved back to whence they came, Alec could hear the screams and squeals turn to song. It was the same tune from the first night he’d spent in the woods — the one that Magnus had used magic to prevent him from hearing so he wouldn’t be called to the goblin’s camp. Just like before, he could feel the song call to him, promising him things that he knew it could not deliver. It was electric and inviting; but this time, Alec found himself not drawn to the mystery, magic, and danger that the goblin song contained.

Maybe it was something that Magnus had done or maybe the forest was having some sort of effect on him, but all Alec knew was that the song that had once lured maidens into the woods and lone travelers into their camp wasn’t working.

Their trek to camp lasted an hour. He begged and pleaded to whatever god would listen that Magnus would suddenly pop out from behind the trees and save him, but in his heart he realized that was wishful thinking. The woods were vast and full of dangers. Magnus accidentally coming across the goblins when he normally went so far out of his way to avoid them and protect himself from being found and hunted was little more than a dream.

When they finally reached the camp with the caravans that Alec had seen the night that Magnus had taken the medallion, the bird-footed goblin snapped his fingers and Alec fell quickly to the ground, the impact knocking the wind out of him and causing him to grunt in pain. “Where would you like the horrible creature?” The goblin asked Asmodeus as the king removed his hat and tossed it inside the red caravan with the black roof (the very one, Alec noted, that Magnus had gone into that night.)

“Well, I said dinner, so dinner he shall be,” The goblin king replied with a shrug, glancing over the crowd of assembled beasts. “Would you like stew or roast tonight?”

The creatures screamed and squawked in a language that was unintelligible to Alec but must have meant something to Asmodeus. The goblin grinned with that same unsettling smile he’d worn earlier. “Roast it is then. Get the fire going and get him ready. We’ll eat well tonight — a reward for all your hard work.”

The creatures left Alec lying in the dirt as they dispersed to take care of their assigned tasks. He rolled to his side and tried to push himself to his feet as he struggled against the thick vines wrapped around his limbs. “Now, now, little human. Where do you think you’re going? We can’t have a feast without the main course now, can we?”

An electric and biting wave of angry red settled over him like a small bubble, and Alec found himself even further trapped. “Good boy. Stay there until we’re ready for you.”

Alec’s bubble was too small for him to truly push himself up into a sitting position so he could only watch from his prone position on the ground as the goblins prepped for their meal. Meal. Asmodeus’ words were finally registering in his mind and Alec felt his blood run cold. They were going to eat him. He watched as two goblins finished piling up some firewood and called magic to their fingers, starting the large cooking fire with none of the ease that Magnus did.

They were going to roast him.

He needed to get out of here because this was not how he dreamed of meeting his end. He’d hoped that one day he’d grow old and die peacefully in his sleep as so many of his ancestors had. He refused to be eaten.

He tried to scream, but the words got stuck on the tip of his tongue. He wasn’t sure if that was from the bubble or the magic that had been used on him earlier but even if he had been able to speak, it would likely have been a lost cause. What’s the point of screaming when there was no one around to hear him except the very creatures that were currently preparing to cook him?

He tentatively probed at the bubble with his foot and hissed in pain as a sharp jolt of electricity shot up his leg. Okay, so touching that thing was definitely not an option. He had to find another way out of here…

What would Jace do right now? He knew for a fact that his brother had his fair share of squabbles that have ended with him tied up, in chains, or in jail (and sometimes all of the above.) He was sure that Jace had needed to get himself out of seemingly impossible situations before.

So what would Jace do now?

He could almost hear his brother mocking him in his head. ‘How did you manage to make such a stupid mistake, Alec? Dad taught us to be more aware when danger could be afoot...but right now, you’re in a damn fucking mess and you need to get out of it. So...what do you have?’

What did he have? And what could he access with his arms bound the way that they were?

He had the clothes on his back - not useful. At some point, they’d divested him of his hunting knife so that was no longer in his pocket. He had the list from his sister, a crushed flower from the last time he’d been in the woods, and…

The coin.

He still had Magnus’ coin.

He knew that the coin’s main purpose was to lead him to Magnus’ location, but to do that, it used magic.

Alec didn’t know a lot about magic. Hell, he pretty much knew nothing about magic outside of what he had learned from Magnus, but there was one book that he’d come across in the manor’s library (which he’d been spending more time in than his own bedroom these days) that had focused on spells and enchantments that could be used by non-magical people. He hadn’t had a chance to do more than flip through it since they’d been so busy with trying to find a cure that he hadn’t wanted to waste time.

There was one thing he did remember from the few pages that he’d perused however. The book seemed to mention on each page that there was a special kind of magic in blood…

And that Alec did have.

Maybe there was a way to use his blood to reverse engineer the magic in Magnus’ spell. Instead of the coin showing Alec to Magnus, it would lead Magnus to him instead. It sounded like an absolutely impossible and improbable idea but it was the only idea that he had right now and he was very quickly running out of time.

Based on the cheering that was coming from the center of camp, Alec had a feeling that the goblin’s dinner preparations were close to complete. He wiggled as best as he could to get his arms in a position where they could secret the coin from his pocket. Once that was safely in his hand, he glanced around his cramped prison. He could bite himself, if necessary, but that was both tedious and way too obvious. He was hoping that there would be something he could use…

There.

Half-hidden under leaf litter and moss was a rock with what appeared to be an edge that was sharp enough to slice through his skin. Unfortunately, that rock was up by his head, and with no way to twist his body to get his arms closer within the confines of his bubble, that left Alec with no choice but to draw blood from the only part of his body that could reach.

His face.

He scooted a few inches closer, all the movement that the bubble afforded him, and placed his cheek on the edge of the rock. He paused only a fraction of a second to take a deep breath and steel his nerves before he pressed his cheek into the stone and drug it across quickly. He felt the blood start to dribble from the fresh cut and he sighed in relief. Now, to find a way to get some to the coin and pray that he could work some magic of his own.

He couldn’t lift his hands and move it closer to his head, but he could tilt his head and move it a little closer to his hands. With more flexibility than he realized that he had, he was able to smear a few drops of blood across the surface of the coin. Now, to pray for a miracle.

Alec closed his eyes tightly, remembering that Magnus had said that magic often worked through intent, and poured every ounce of his willpower and belief into accomplishing what he hoped he could — leading Magnus to him the same way Magnus had told him that the coin would lead Alec to him.

Please, Magnus, I need you. Be my knight in shining armor. I can’t get out of this one alone.

He felt the air pressure change and opened his eyes to find that the bubble was gone. He hoped to be staring into Magnus’ eyes but was sorely disappointed. Cat eyes indeed stared down at him, but they were unfortunately set in Asmodeus’ face and not his son’s. The goblin king had a hungry expression on his face. “Praying won’t help you, human. Your gods have no power in these woods. This is my domain. My rules. My decisions. And I’ve decided that you’re going to be dinner for my court.” He snapped his fingers and two of the more animalistic creatures rushed forward. “Get him up and ready.”

The rat-like creatures dragged Alec up into a sitting position and began tearing at his shirt with their sharp claws, the tips brushing his skin and leaving angry red welts. He closed his eyes, knowing that fighting would get him nowhere, and continued his silent mantra with the coin still pressed tightly into his palm.

Please Magnus, find me, please.

Suddenly the goblins froze, listening as there was a shout from somewhere behind Alec that followed by the sound of crashing and screams as creatures scrambled out of the way of whatever beast was heading towards them. Alec twisted his head, hoping to catch a glimpse of the monster before he met his untimely (but still better option than being cooked alive) end.

The noise came to a slow stop just a few feet from him, and he could hear the heavy breathing of an exhausted horse.

[oliver-nova]

little update from me re: getting some mental help 

mentions of depression, so more after the cut 

my older sister called and told my parents about it. i was so scared because my dad wasn’t very open minded when my younger sister got diagnosed with BPD. 

my mom basically told me that she was happy that i finally realized that i needed help and that i reached out for help. she’s going to help me find a program either through the clinic or the state or something so i can see a mental health doctor. im planning on going and seeing a regular doctor this week about being put back on my blood medicine. i realize that the medicine was saving me and i shouldn’t have gone off it even if i was super depressed and wanted to die. she is going to help me finish my paperwork for the state to hopefully be placed on a medical program to help pay for doctor visits and for visits. i may under the max for 1 person so i’m really hopeful we can get accepted. it’s kinda a mess rn because of everyone losing their jobs and virus nonsense. my dad was even somewhat open-minded. it’s weird seeing him be so nice to me. he was telling me about some storm programs that are going to be on tv this week because i was watching a storm chaser today when he came downstairs to do laundry. i think he realized that you can’t be a dick. stuff like the stuff i’m going through is deep and you need to be there for the person suffering, ya know? idk what i’m even saying at this point. 

once we can get me on a program and medicine, i plan to hopefully be able to see someone about my mental health and placed on something to help make these bad feelings go away. i’m super positive about it. 

i go back to work sunday and i’m not looking forward to it. i want my eval day to come so i can tell them that i’m stretched too thin. i don’t mind helping where they need me, but i’m stretched way too thin and it’s making me sick mentally and physically. plus my immune system is shot because of the brain hemorrhage. i hope this virus stuff ends soon because i want to start looking for a new job. i’ve been at this current one for almost 9 years which is crazy, so you think a job would look at that as a positive, even if I was on leave for 6 months because i almost died, but heh. every job i’ve applied for i either bomb the interview or i dont even hear back. it’s disheartening. 

i had a really long vc last night with @golden-star-kota and we were talking about the jonathan thing. i feel like the mess with him is likely why these bad feelings are so strong again. that and the brain thing, but ya know. i haven’t had bad feeling like this in such a long time. i felt like i was over him and over the mess, but i guess not. i hope once i see a mental health doctor that we can talk about the whole mess and we can work on ways that i can get over it. i cried a lot when we were talking about it and how bad my feelings have been. i hope i never meet another man like him. i don’t want to use the name he’s famous for, but alas. i have decided that i hate everyone from that server that i thought was my friend. i hate everyone who egged me on knowing full well that nothing would come of it. plus i think jon’s friend is way cuter now lmfao but he said he doesn’t want to date, so more power to him. i don’t feel like i’m ready for anything like that either tbh. the thing with jon was so bad that it threw me into a questioning stage of i was thinking i was ace or aro. i still think about it a lot, but not as much. i have other things to worry about at this point. emmi was right when she wrote on her twitter that a little bit of money and everyone gets coldhearted. my sister wants to know about the jon thing and idk if im ready to tell her about it. im scared that ill be judged when i know im not going to be judged.  

anyway, i need to get some sleep before work later today so goodnight everyone 

[boymeetsweevil]

Blood of the Covenant

Grouping: Reader x Jungkook

Word Count: 3476 lol

Summary: You’re an unregistered vampire trying your hardest to save up enough to go to school by working long hours and giving up meals. Unfortunately, the local university refuses to enroll starving vampires like yourself because they’re seen as threats. Desperate to get in, you take up Jeon Jungkook’s shady offer to help.

You wiped the sweat from your brow and leaned next to the front door of the laundromat. The most recent delivery run you made really tuckered you out more than you could afford. You only had one more whole blood bag left in your fridge and you were already rationing the current one strictly until your next paycheck. Only a few more days until payday, you reminded yourself as you went inside to pick up the final delivery for the day.

When you walked in, you saw your boss talking to another vamp you had never seen before. Your boss turned his head and looked sheepish, but you couldn’t figure out why.

“What’s going on,” you smiled to disarm the tension in the room. You could smell your boss’ B.O. as his pulse sped up.

“Y/N, this is Jenni. Do you know each other?”

“Of course not,” Jenni said at the same time you sighed, “Not every vamp knows every other vamp.” The disgust in Jenni’s tone made you take a moment to look her over. While she wasn’t dressed in high couture, she was definitely dressed nicer than you. It was clear she was a registered vamp, just like it was clear you weren’t. Suddenly you were reminded of how dingy and ill-fitting your clothes were.

“Well,” your boss cleared his throat awkwardly, “Jenni is applying for a position here.”

“I thought we didn’t have any vacancies right now,” you furrowed your brows.

“Yes, there are,” Jenni piped in, “The front desk and delivery driver position is open”. Your mouth fell open before you could pull yourself together.

“What? That’s my job. There aren’t any vacancies. Tell her, sir.”

You looked to your boss for affirmation, but when he wouldn’t even look at you you felt your face grow hot with rage and embarrassment. You needed this job, the down payment for the first semester at the local university was due soon and you just barely had enough to put away after you sent some home to your mom every week. Especially since your being unregistered meant you had to take a pay cut. You only agreed to it, though, because 1) you didn’t want to get reported as suspicious to the higher ups, the Vampyric Entities Management Bureau and 2) unregistered vamps weren’t even supposed to have jobs.

“Please, sir.” You began to feel the prick of tears. You took a breath to calm yourself, you couldn’t afford to lose any blood. “You know how much I need this job. I don’t understand how you can do this.”

“You know why, Y/N.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. Jenni watched the argument unfold with a fascinated look in her deep mahogany eyes.

“Because I’m unregistered.” You hung your head when he forced you to say the words out loud

“I told you it was a liability from the start and that I would do what was necessary if things became clear to the customers,” he hesitated before adding,”Your eyes give us away.”

You flinched at that. Everyone knew that when a vamp’s eyes were any brighter than a red delicious apple, they were starving. A starving vamp was supposedly ‘feral’ and ‘dangerous’. Registered vamps were never starving because they lived with human donor companions.

“Sir, I would be able to take care of that if it weren’t for my salary. I’m not even making minimum wage,” you whimpered. He sighed loudly before taking a few careful strides over to you.

“I think its time for you to go, Y/N. We’ll send you the rest of today’s pay as well as the rest for the week, but no more of this. Its bad for us both.” He held his hand out and you robotically relinquished the lanyard that held a key to the building.

It wasn’t until you had already taken your bus back to your small apartment that the gravity of the situation hit you. You crouched down and cried by your shoe cubby at the front door. After you were done, you washed the blood off your cheeks and downed the rest of the half open blood bag in your fridge and slept for 2 days.

Thanks to your previous frugality, the 2 days of near-hibernation and the time it took you to snag a temporary stint at a pizza place in town didn’t leave you off schedule for making your payment. Yet. You weren’t trying to test your luck by waiting any longer. You downed your last blood bag, meaning you had no more blood in your fridge. But you were full for the first time in a long time and were able to get a regular wage delivering pizzas without your eyes giving you away. Hopefully whoever previously held the position wasn’t coming back and you could pull a few all-nighters every week to get enough overtime to fluff up your bank account.

The thought of going to one of the only vamp-friendly colleges in all of South Korea, much less college at all, was the sole thing that kept you on your feet 3 weeks into the job, when you got a call to a local frat house on a Friday night. You hadn’t had anything to drink in 3, going on 4, days and your last drink was a meagre one at that. Luckily for you, your new boss didn’t seem to care that your eyes resembled stop signs, and merely gave you an extra long sigh before handing you 10 large pizzas to deliver.

You knew you would have to be careful when you entered a human residence, though. You pulled your work uniform cap as low as it would go and struggled over to the back door as the customer had instructed. You managed to ring the doorbell with your hip and hoped someone would be able to hear you over the booming music and help you with the pizzas.

Just when you thought your arms would fall off, a tall burly man answered the door.

“Oh, cool, you’re here. I’ll show you where you can put those.” he said before turn on his heel and walking into the mass of local students partying before the new school year started. You somehow maneuvered your way to a messy kitchen in the back of the house without dropping anything and heaved them onto a table quickly. A few of the people lingering in the kitchen scattered back into the main room. A couple lingered.

You turned to the tall guy to announce the total. “That’ll be $124.60.” When he didn’t move to take out a wallet or reply to the total, you looked up. Big mistake. He glared at your bright red eyes.

“I fucking knew it. A fucking leech. Hey, Mark,” he shouted to someone outside of the kitchen. “Mark, your delivery chick is one of those goddamn leeches.” He glared down at you with a disdainful smirk. It was days like this where you had to remind yourself that not all humans were like this.

Another burly man, presumably Mark, stumbled into the kitchen at the news. He took one look at your burning eyes and threw back his head and laughed.

“You’ve got to be shitting me. They sent a feral one to a party? There’s people here, man. That’s crazy. We’re never ordering from them again.”

You repeated the total to Mark, who smirked at your insolence and pulled out his wallet. Your eyes widened when he handed you a stack of bills and they stood to watch you count it. It was exactly $125. You whipped your head up to look at them with disbelief.

“No tip?”

Mark scoffed. “Hell no. You want me to call VEMB on your scrawny ass? You look like the type to take what you can get. Am I right?” You didn’t miss the innuendo and neither did Mark’s friend. You took the bills and put them in your fanny pack and began to leave.

The party seemed to have gotten even more crowded, as it was near impossible to push through the gyrating bodies in the center of the large living room to get to the door. The stress from the argument in the kitchen was eating away at you and you were reminded of how hungry you were when a sweet-smelling sorority girl glided past. Your head started to spin at the same moment someone grabbed your wrist. You spun around to see Mark’s burly friend again. When you tried to tug your wrist away, he tightened his grip.

“You know I’ve heard rumors about leech girls before. I’ve heard you guys are freaks, especially when you’re hungry...or thirsty or whatever.”

You looked away from him, accidentally making eye contact with a mousy looking boy with dark brown hair, making your presence known to yet another human. You looked away again, but didn’t speak because you hoped he would say his piece and let you go. He didn’t. You knew he was starting to draw attention to you because the boy you just made eye contact with stood up and walked briskly out the room. Probably to call control services on you. Your throat grew impossibly drier.

“I know a guy who might have a vamp epi pen lying around that his vamp bitch doesn’t use.” At that your head popped up. “What are you willing to do for it?”

You closed your eyes, feeling tears start to well up. You were really considering whatever this creep had to offer. You felt him tug at your wrist and you let yourself be dragged by Mark’s friend deeper into the house. He brought you to a room where a bunch of men and women were smoking and called one of them out into the hallway. The other guy told a woman sitting close to him that he’d be back. You realized this was the donor-vamp couple Mark’s friend was talking about.

“Hey man, do you still have that epi pen thing?”

"Ah, bro, no. That’s so weird that you mention it because little Jeon just came and bought that thing off me for, like, $400. You should have come to me sooner.”

“Dude are you fucking kidding me? Jeon doesn’t even fucking have a vamp. Why would you do that? I was just about to get laid.” In his rage, Mark’s friend dropped your wrist. You took a few cautious steps backwards, ready to flee the house, when he turned back to you.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going? I can still call VEMB.”

You were about to make a run for it when you felt someone else grab your wrist and pull you down the hallway and into a bedroom. You thought you heard Mark’s friend curse at the person and call them Jeon. The door swung closed.

Jeon gestured for you to sit in a stool by the bed in the center of the room and you did, too scared that’d he was like Mark’s friend to decline. He wordlessly handed you the epi pen and you dissembled it at nearly lightning speed to get to the small 4oz. can inside. You drank quickly and messily. It was an epi dose, so it kept you from going into hibernation, but it didn’t do much to sate your thirst. It did give you a bit more clarity, though, and you suddenly remembered you were in a strange man’s room.

Jeon stared at you from where he was sitting on his writing desk. His room was pretty bare, but neat. It was large too, with a sizable closet and its own bathroom. One of the better dorms, probably. Jeon had money, you realized. You also realized Jeon knew you needed money. You spoke up to try and stop the evening from going even farther south.

“I heard from that guy out there that you paid 400 bucks for this. Listen, I’m super grateful you were able to get me this epi pen, but you know I won’t be able to pay you back for it.” Jeon blinked before shrinking in on himself, a bit embarrassed.

“No, I know,” he said quietly. His voice surprised you. You thought it would be rough and  booming. “You just looked like you, uh, needed help. That guy is a real ass. I didn’t want to see him hurt you.”

“A lot of people didn’t seem to notice I was even there. And you didn’t have to watch. You could have gone about your business. You would be $400 richer.”

Jeon chuckled at that. There was a darkness in his laugh that made you feel uneasy. You felt your gums itching at an unspoken threat, your fangs trying to descend and give you a fighting chance.

“Just because no one noticed how he treated you, doesn’t mean you deserved it. Doesn’t mean it should have happened. And, if we’re being blunt here, you looked at me like you needed help.” You sneered at that but stayed seated. You were startled when came and sat by the bed so the both of you were at eye level. You knew you must have looked as dangerous as everyone said you were. Your true nature was bubbling up inside of you with the feeling of being cornered.

“You’re still hungry,” he said before baring his neck to you. You gasped at his presumptuousness and stood up immediately.

“Look, Jeon. I know I’m poor. I know I’m a vamp, and I know I’m an unregistered one. But what do you wanna do about it, huh? You want to save me? Better yet, you want me to feed from you so you have evidence of assault later when you throw me to control services? Guess what, I’m not a wild animal. I have manners and restraint. Things you clearly lack. I’m leaving and if you try to stop me, I’ll slice you open and leave you to bleed dry and I’ll do it without tasting a single drop of your blood.”

He looked startled, so you knew your fangs must have dropped. You could smell his blood’s perfume as his human heart raced. He smelled good enough to eat, even on a day when you weren’t starving. But you ignored the hunger pangs and stormed to the door. He snapped out of it just in time to block your exit.

“Jeon. Get out of my fucking way,” you seethed.

“Please, j-just take this, okay? Call me any time you ever need help.” He handed you a piece of paper with a phone number and an address written on it. He must have written it while you were drinking. “And call me Jungkook.”

You were amazed that he was trying to get you to speak intimately with him in this context. You had heard of human guys who were in love with the taboo of ‘banging a monster’ so they stubbornly stalked and chased unregistered vamps for the bragging rights. It was just your luck that you managed to find one with deep pockets and who didn’t know what ‘no’ meant. You took the paper to appease him so you could leave and never see him again.

He stepped aside and opened the door for you. You didn’t thank him and you didn’t look back at him even though you could feel his gaze on your back as you slipped out the way you came in.

5 paydays later, with a week left until the deadline for the payment, you checked your bank account after wiring your mom money like you did every time you got paid. You thought you read the numbers wrong, but when you stopped squirming in your seat, you realized they were correct. You finally had enough money. You were going to college.

Your eyes were a vivid red and you felt weak and airy most days, but you finally had enough to start on the student vampire payment plan. You daydreamed about the blood meal plan you saw on the university website as you walked to the campus and visited the financial aid office.

You were so giddy you didn’t notice the human secretary’s hesitance at handing you a clipboard to fill out forms on. You also didn’t notice the shaky timber in her voice as she called your name to tell you to go into Ms. Choi’s office.

Ms. Choi was more professional and didn’t linger too long on your eyes before giving your forms a cursory glance.

“So, Y/N, you’re here to register for fall term, is that correct?”

“Yes,” you beamed.

“And, do you have a donor coming or should we start discussing your enrollment immediately?”

You were so excited you didn’t realize the trap. “Nope, no donor here. We can discuss whenever you want.”

“Well, I’ve looked at your account. Looks like they liked your paper appearance, Y/N.” You smiled again. “The entrance exams and writing sample have good marks and the financial information finalized early this morning, so that’s fine too. However we couldn’t find you connected to any of our students in the database. You say you don’t have an unaffiliated donor, either?”

You try to hide your annoyance at repeating yourself. “That’s correct, I’m don’t have either. But since you take vamp students I didn’t think that would be relevant to my application.”

“Y/N, we take registered vampyric students. Human students who are legally partnered can use their enrollment in the college to extend to their vampyric partner. We cannot offer enrollment to unregistered, unpartnered vampyric applicants.” You held your breath as Ms. Choi’s words washed over you. In your haste to leave home, you made a huge assumption about the school. You had done all that work, all that starving, for nothing. You tried to find a loophole, anything that might still give you a shot at getting in.

“But you took my application fee. And you reviewed my submitted materials. You gave me an applicant account. You accepted me,” you sputtered.

“Its a fairly new policy that we do blind application processes. But even then, it says in our terms and conditions that while unregistered vampyric students may apply if they desire, they simply cannot be offered enrollment. You did read the terms and conditions didn’t you?” Who the fuck read the terms and conditions, you fumed to yourself.

“You don’t understand. I need to go to school here, I don’t have any other options.”

Ms. Choi began typing. “Well, I’m refunding you your application fee as well as returning the deposit you made for the fall term. I suggest you come back when you’ve been registered. You really do seem like a strong applicant, otherwise. It would be a shame for you to waste all that potential.”

You nodded and got up to leave numbly. You thought maybe she said to have a good day, but that didn’t matter. You were thirsty and tired and you were back to square one in terms of making progress getting into the university. To make things worse, it was still light outside, so you would have to wait until the sun died down enough for you not to get 3rd degree burns. You ended up waiting several hours because it was still technically summer and the sun still wasn’t down, but you were getting unbearably weak.

At this point you knew your eyes had to look almost neon pink. You shoved your hands in the pocket of your jeans defeatedly, but pulled them out quickly when you felt something in one of them. You knew what it was without looking at it. Quickly, you looked up at the sky and gauged the time you had until sunset when you could walk outside safely. This was also when the dorms became locked to people without student IDs. Once you made your decision, you burst through the front door and ran as fast as you could to minimize sun exposure.

10 minutes later you made it to the same frat house from many Fridays ago. You didn’t have any burns, but the sun had sapped you of almost all your remaining energy. Your body would probably force itself to hibernate soon if you didn’t have perfect timing. You hobbled as fast as you could through the fairly empty living space and into the hall with the bedrooms. When you got to the right door, you knocked hard. You prayed that he would be in his room and not asleep. And that he would still help you. The door swung open.

Jungkook took in your frazzled state and brilliant eyes and pulled you into the room, instantly understanding. He brought you to sit with him on the bed and bared his neck for you. The deja-vu was strong, but the feeling of your lips on his skin right before your fangs pierced the skin of his neck was even more intense. He shuddered at the feeling of his blood being pulled from him. One of his hands made its way to the back of your neck as if to keep you attached to him. Even if it meant you bled him dry. 

[philsdrill]

Chapter 24: A Little Support

Fic Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.

Genre: a lot of fluff, recovery, really fucking domestic, waiter!Phil

Warnings: eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, hospitals, panic attacks, references to past abuse, mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, a lot of awkwardness, small amounts of smut. This is potentially triggering so for your own sake, please think twice about reading if anything this might affect you.

Disclaimer: I don’t have personal experience with eating disorders, but have done some research. If I have anything about them wrong, feel free to send me an ask and I’ll sort it out.

Word Count (for this part): 9.3k

[Uploads will be approximately every couple of weeks! (hopefully)]

A/N: So this is the longest chapter yet... I did contemplate splitting it up, but there wasn’t really a sensible place to do so, so you guys are in for a long one here. Also, this is the fastest I’ve got a chapter done since last July (its under two weeks, what!?), so I’m pretty impressed with myself there. Hope you enjoy!

MASTERPOST

<= Previous Chapter

Dan’s POV:

Finally, I was feeling like myself again. It had been a little over a week since I’d had my medication dose upped and I was finally free of the side effects. I’d felt pretty terrible at first, with headaches and nausea as my body adjusted to it, but now I could see it was worth it. I wasn’t feeling anxious, like at all. I felt a little like all my emotions had dulled down a little, the highs and lows all being squashed closer to the zero line, but I could deal with that.

Phil had been leaving me home alone now I was feeling better. After the night I’d been ill, he’d made sure that at least Louise was with me if he couldn’t be. It was only once I was free from the debilitating nausea that he accepted I was fine to be left alone. For Phil and I, it was hard to be apart when one of us wasn’t feeling well. We relied on each other, and although Louise was good at looking after me, no one could quite compare to Phil. I felt a strong need for him when I was sick and I knew he felt as strong a need to be with me.

Tonight, Phil was on the earlier shift from four-thirty until nine. I preferred when he worked at this time, as it meant I actually got to spend some time with him in the evening, rather than him rushing off after an early dinner and heading straight to bed when he got home.

Our relationship was in no way defined by sex, but I’d learnt that sleeping would be the only thing happening in our bed after the late shift. It didn’t bother me too much, but there were days I was horny and struggled to get off without Phil’s help.

I was looking forward to tonight, as Phil and I had had a little chat earlier about how I was feeling and if I’d be up for something later. With how good I’d been feeling yesterday and today, I was more than up for it and I let Phil know I’d do a little preparation while he was out.

My little bit of preparation consisted of making sure everything was clean down there and having a little stretch as it had been a while; I didn’t want that stage to take too long later. Although it did turn me on a little, I’d learnt to do it in a controlled manner and save myself for Phil.

I’d thought about using a butt plug, I sometimes did, but I decided today wasn’t the day for that; it might turn me on a bit too much. Instead I would just put up with the empty feeling and deal with the fact I might tighten up a bit again before Phil got home. I still had two hours, more like two and a half as Phil had decided to walk to work today.

I was making myself dinner, some pasta in one pot and some sauce in another. I didn’t have Phil’s level of culinary genius, but I could make a handful of edible things. Phil probably wouldn’t entirely approve of my lame attempt at a sauce, tinned chopped tomatoes and vegetable stock, but it was food and that was what mattered.

As I sat alone, with my rather unremarkable plate of pasta in front of me, it crossed my mind that I could just not eat and Phil wouldn’t know. However, I wasn’t going to do that; I could, but I was better than that now. I didn’t mind eating these days; there were a few unhealthy things I couldn’t deal with, but I could keep myself nourished.

I think Phil’s cooking was one of the best things to ever happen to me, because in the early days, the fact it tasted so fucking amazing actually helped me to get through a plateful of food. I wish Phil got to cook more often, as it made him happy, but with his work shifts, dinner was always rather rushed for him. There were nights like tonight when he had a sandwich before he left and might have another when he came home, but that wasn’t dinner, not by Phil’s standards.

His current job wasn’t really what he wanted to do with his life, I knew that. Phil wanted to become a chef, and maybe open a restaurant someday. I knew he’d attended a number of cooking classes and had a couple of qualifications under his belt, but he needed to get back into cooking school if he wanted to achieve his dreams. His last set of cooking classes had been last spring. He’d never enrolled in any after the summer as I’d formed a bit of a roadblock in his life, but now I was ready to encourage him to get back to where he needed to be.

I made a note in my phone to mention that to Phil. Things might very well get steamy quickly when he got home, so the note would remind me tomorrow, or when it was a better time to bring it up. He could probably still apply for something in the coming academic year, starting in September. I could get a job to pay the pills and Phil could work on his dream. At the moment, that seemed like the best thing to do. I was still to find my dream and that would give me the time I needed to think about it. I’d said before that I had an interest in video production, so I would keep that in mind, maybe help Phil with his cooking channel a bit more, as he sometimes got a little bored of the editing.

When I’d finished my pasta, I helped myself to a biscuit from some baking that Phil had done earlier in the week. Phil sometimes worried that I didn’t eat enough sugar so he would make biscuits and encourage me to eat them. I didn’t feel too bad with it only being one biscuit and sometimes I noticed I felt a bit more alive after eating them. At the moment, they were round shortbread like things with a chocolate swirl through them. Phil liked to experiment and would make different things every time.

I took my dishes from the table and cleared up around the kitchen, loading everything into the dishwasher, apart from a couple of pots and a wooden spoon that I’d have to wash by hand. I was about to fill the sink when my phone started ringing, blaring out its ringtone over on our dining table.

Moving my hand away from where it hovered over the tap, I rushed to the other room to pick it up. I wondered who it would be, as Phil was working, he wouldn’t call unless something was wrong. I guessed it might be my mum, or maybe my brother.

I was fairly close with my guess of brother. It was Ethan, his soulmate. I grabbed the phone and answered it, pulling it to my ear. I wondered if something was wrong; we’d been keeping in contact periodically by text and he’d only ever phoned me after texting first to check I wasn’t busy.

“Hi, Ethan,” I greeted him, not saying much to give him have the chance to talk.

“Dan, I need your help,” Ethan said, his voice trembling a little.

Immediately filled with concern, I asked him what was up, “Okay, what’s wrong?”

“I accidentally outed myself to my dad, like he found out my soulmates a guy,” Ethan rushed, “I’ve been kinda avoiding the topic recently but he made me talk and a.. a ‘he’ slipped out and I couldn’t do anything about it. He beat me up for a while and then kicked me out of the house. I ran away; I’ve got as far as the park with the duck pond but everything hurts and I can’t go any further.”

“Okay, I’m going to come and get you,” I said, doing my best to sound calm for him, as he sounded rather panicky.

“Try and take some deep breaths, keep your breathing slow,” I advised him, “I’m on my way.”

I hurried to get ready, grabbing my coat, keys, medication, Phil’s car keys and putting on a pair of shoes.

I kept talking to Ethan while I did this, “Phil’s at work but he walked so thankfully I have the car. It’s a yellow Corsa. I’ll be like five minutes, ten tops.”

“Thanks,” Ethan said, mumbling a little.

“Okay, where are you in the park?” I asked him, as I shut the door to our flat and locked it.

“I’m by the railing on the high bit, where there’s the drop down to the pond,” he explained.

“Okay, d’you think you could move nearer the road or is that too much?” I asked, being careful as I didn’t want to ask him to do more than he was capable of.

“I don’t know if I can,” he said, groaning.

“Okay, don’t worry, I’ll come to you,” I told him, now halfway down the stairs.

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled, “M so sorry…”

Ethan made a choking sound, cutting himself off. I couldn’t figure out what was happening for a second, until I heard some sniffling sounds. I think he was crying.

“I’m going to be with you really soon,” I said, leaving the apartment building and heading over to Phil’s car, “I’m outside heading to the car now.”

I unlocked the car and got in, dumping my coat on the passenger seat.

“Okay, I’m in the car, I’m going to have hang up now so I can drive, but I’ll see you in five,” I told him.

“Okay, see you soon,” Ethan choked out a reply, then hung up the phone.

I tossed my phone onto the passenger seat with my coat and started the engine, getting going as quickly as I could. I took the most direct route to the park, focusing on getting there quickly.

I parked outside the park in a layby, which at any other time of day would be full of cars. I pocketed my phone, put on my coat and got out of the car, locking it behind me. I hurried into the park, thankfully knowing where I was going. Phil and I had been here a handful of times on dates so I knew the place pretty well.

As I approached the area Ethan had described, I could see a figure sat, leaning against the railings. When I was a little bit closer and I could confirm it was him.

“Ethan,” I said, crouching down in front of him and starting to take in the various injuries he was sporting.

“Thanks for coming,” he said, weakly.

“It’s okay, honestly,” I said.

I could see very clearly that his left eye was a bit swollen and starting to develop a bruise. He was just in a t-shirt, with a number of bloody scratches on his arms and he was hunched up, looking in a lot of pain.

“Are your legs okay?” I asked, after taking in his other injuries.

Ethan nodded weakly, not making any effort to speak.

“If I give you a hand, d'you think you can walk back to the car with me?” I asked him, knowing that he didn’t feel up to walking that far five minutes ago.

Ethan nodded again, “Yeah… just chest, hurts to breathe.”

“Okay, keep doing your best, I won't make you talk too much,” I told him, “And we’ll go slowly.”

Realising how much he was shaking, I took off my coat and wrapped it around his shoulders, hoping that would block out some of the cold February air. I brought my hands under his arms and working with him, hoisted him to his feet. Once he was up, I brought my arm around him for a little support and we slowly starting heading in the direction of the car.

When we got there, I opened the passenger door and he got in with no problem. In the open doorway, I crouched next to him, deciding at this point, that I should check with him what all was hurting, in case it was the hospital we should be heading for instead of mine and Phil’s flat.

“Okay, is anything else hurt other than your face and your arms?” I asked.

“My chest… my dad punched me pretty hard there and then I ran and got really out of breath and…” he told me, pausing to cough.

“You don’t have asthma or anything, do you?” I asked, a bit concerned about his breathing.

“No,” he shook his head.

With him confirming that, I could put it down to panic over the situation as a whole, being kicked out his family home, “I think you're panicking a bit, yeah? That’s understandable.”

Ethan nodded, a few more tears leaking from his eyes.

I opened up the glove box in front of him and pulled out a packet of tissues. I made a quick trip to the boot, where we kept a packet of water bottles and grabbed him one.

Once he had dried his eyes a little with a tissue, I got him doing a basic breathing exercise to help him calm down a little. I encouraged him to take small sips of water if he felt like it, as that too might help him feel a little better.

After a couple of minutes, he was struggling less and I felt I could talk to him again, “So you probably have a bit of bruising on your chest?”

Ethan nodded, a little bit less weakly this time.

“It’s a five minute drive back to mine and Phil's place, you good to go?” I asked him.

“Okay,” he said, “Thank you.”

Closing the passenger door for Ethan, I made my way around to the other side and got in. I double-checked he was okay, and then set off.

On the one main road I took on the way home, we had a bit of a scare. A car speeded out of a side road and right across our path without looking. I had to slam the brakes on faster than I’d ever done in my life and let’s just say, thank fuck for the seatbelts.

Ethan cried out in pain, holding his hand to his chest. I felt panic rising in my throat instantly at what had been such a close call. I needed to pull over. Fifty metres ahead of us, there was a layby. I indicated and turned into it, so thankful there was somewhere we could stop.

“Are you okay?” I asked Ethan, the pain clear on his face.

“I’m fine, just the seatbelt tightened on my chest and it hurt a lot but it's okay now,” Ethan said, stumbling over his words a little.

“I am so glad you were wearing one; I never even thought to check,” I said, running my hand over my own chest and feeling my heart pounding beneath my skin.

“You don't mind if we stay here for a couple minutes?” I asked Ethan, pausing to take a couple of deep breaths, “I just… I feel a bit panicky and don't want to have a panic attack while driving.”

“That’s fine,” Ethan said, something I recognised as concern building on his face.

Focusing on my breathing for a minute, I managed to calm myself down a bit, but I could still feel my heart beating fast. I wasn’t quite having a panic attack, not with the tears and shaking, but I was close.

“Ethan, there’s a tub of pills in the left pocket of my coat, could you pass me them?” I asked, “And the bottle of water from the door pocket?”

Not asking any questions, Ethan passed me the tub of pills and my water. I downed my dose of pills quickly, knowing they would start working soon. I didn’t really give much thought to driving after taking them, but I knew it would be preferable to driving while having a panic attack.

I concentrated on my breathing for another minute and told myself that I’d done good, stopping so quickly. I managed to calm myself down pretty well and I could feel my medication working its magic on slowing down my heart rate. After a couple of minutes, I decided I was sufficiently calm to continue driving.

I started the car and checked all around me for cars coming from funny places, before setting off. I turned into a quieter road a minute later and took a different route home, avoiding the main road. A couple of minutes later, we turned into the flats’ car park and I let out a sigh of relief once I’d parked the car back in our space.

Apart from being a little shaken up, I felt okay, which was good as I needed to put my focus on looking after Ethan. I took the keys out the car, put them in my pocket and headed round to the other side. Ethan was already out, looking a little better than he had when we got in.

“I’m no longer out of breath from running,” he told me, “That was why I was struggling so much earlier.”

“Okay, I’m glad you’re feeling a little better,” I smiled, “Ready for four flights of stairs?”

Ethan didn’t look terribly enthused, but walked ahead of me anyway. I locked the car and caught up with him, wanting to stay by his side, even if he was okay to walk by himself now.

I made sure Ethan took the stairs slowly; I didn’t want him getting any more tired out. When we reached the second floor, I unlocked the door to our flat and encouraged him in ahead of me.

“Right, head for the sofa. I'm gonna grab our first aid stuff and I'll be with you in two minutes,” I told him, “Also, maybe send Adam a text and let him know you’re okay and that you’re with me. He’s probably in a lot of pain too and worried about you.”

I headed to the kitchen, where we kept most of the first aid stuff. Phil was a little accident prone and sometimes got his fingers by mistake instead of the carrots. I grabbed the plastic box that had a couple of varieties of plasters, some antiseptic stuff and a number of other things. I opened the freezer and took out the bag of frozen peas, a good ice pack that should help Ethan’s eye injury.

Thinking about Phil, I realised I should text him so he knew what was going on before he got home.

Ethan got beat up by his dad and kicked out. I have him home now and I’m about to help sort out his injuries. Nearly had a panic attack on the way back from getting him, but I’m okay - I’ll explain later

Returning my phone to my pocket, I wrapped the bag of peas in a tea towel and took it, with the first aid box, through to the living room, where Ethan was sat on a sofa, his phone in hand.

“I had three missed calls from Adam, but I’ve texted him now,” he said, “He’s not replied yet, should I be worried?”

“I’m sure our mum’ll be looking after him, but if he’s not replied in half an hour, I’ll call the home phone, okay,” I told him, nodding consolingly.

I sat down next to Ethan him and passed him the wrapped up bag of peas, “Frozen peas. Hold that to your eye and it’ll hopefully make the swelling less bad.”

Next, I got an antiseptic wipe and started to clean his arms. There were various scratches, but it looked less bad once I’d wiped the blood off. With the length of them, it would be difficult to put plasters on them, but they weren’t really too bad. My eyes moved over the scabs on his wrists, presumably those from a couple of weeks ago, before he met Adam. It struck me that they should probably have healed up by now, so maybe he was one for picking scabs.

I got Ethan to switch which arm he was holding the ice pack with so I could see his other wrist. Here I found another scratch from his Dad’s violence, which had flicked off parts of the scabs and left his wrist looking quite raw. This needed more attention.

I got a fresh wipe and cleaned it up. Ethan flinched when he realised where the scratch was and tried to pull his arm away.

“Ethan, I know about these, Adam was here when you made them,” I told him, “I’m not going to make you talk about it, but I’m going to make sure they’re all looked after.”

Rather disgruntled, Ethan gave me his arm back, refusing to meet my eye. I gently rubbed some antiseptic cream into this scratch, as it looked like it was maybe starting to septic. Ethan flinched again, but let me continue. I found a bandage to wrap around this wrist, as a plaster wouldn’t quite cut it.

“Ethan, I think we should maybe look at your chest,” I said to him, “Or at least you take at a look at it if you’d rather.”

“It’s fine, I don’t mind if you see too,” he said, “It’s probably better to have a second opinion.”

Laying the frozen peas to the side for a minute, Ethan took his shirt off and lay back on the sofa, his eyes widening at the bruises starting to form on his chest. So far, they were just reddening blotches, with darker patches clearly made by the knuckles of his dad’s fist. He slowly ran his fingers over the injured skin and winced as they skimmed over the bruising.

It looked really painful and I wondered whether his dad could’ve had the strength to break his ribs. Most likely they were just bruised, but even if they were broken, they should heal by themselves. We would see how things progress.

“I’m going to get something else out the freezer for you to put on that,” I told him, “And d’you want some paracetamol?”

“That would be good, thanks,” Ethan replied, staring dejectedly down at his chest.

“Okay,” I said, getting up and heading for the kitchen.

I pulled another bag of frozen veg out of the freezer and found another tea towel to wrap it in so the cold wasn’t directly on his skin. I filled a glass with water from the sink and grabbed the box of paracetamol from where they sat in a clump of assorted medicines on the counter. Only moments later, I returned to Ethan with them, laying the cold bundle down on the table while I handed him the box of water and the paracetamol.

Once he took the tablets, I took the box back from him, something in my mind telling me I should maybe be wary about leaving them around. I knew he’d overdosed on something before, but I had no idea if he was likely to try it again. I handed him the second bag of frozen veg and took the paracetamol back to the kitchen, putting all the medication away in a cupboard out of sight.

I knew that realistically, he would get cold eventually, so I just said to Ethan to keep the ice on his injuries until he felt he couldn’t take it any more. In the end, he lasted about fifteen minutes, before he started shivering. I took the frozen vegetables off him and returned them to the freezer; they probably wouldn’t have defrosted too much.

Ethan was still shirtless in the living room, looking at his shirt miserably. As I approached him, I realised what the problem was. There was a bit of blood from his arms on the shirt and he probably didn’t fancy putting it back on.

“D’you want to borrow a t-shirt?” I asked him.

“Yeah, that would be good,” he said, “This one’s a little bit gross now.”

“Actually, it's nearly nine, d'you want to borrow some pyjamas?” I suggested, thinking he might as well put on what he was going to sleep in.

“I can stay over?” Ethan asked surprised, surprised.

“Of course,” I said, firmly, “You’re staying here for as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” Ethan said, getting to his feet and hugging me, “So much… I don’t have anywhere else…”

Hearing from his voice that he was emotional, I hugged him for a little longer, letting him have the consolation he needed, “Okay, I’m going to get you some pyjamas and then I’ll phone my mum and see what’s happening with Adam.”

“Thanks,” he said, sniffling a little.

I left Ethan to find him some pyjamas, heading to mine and Phil’s room and rummaging around in my drawer. I had a particular pair in mind, which I think I’d only worn maybe once, but they didn’t fit me anymore. Ethan was a little smaller than me and I was guessing they would be about his size.

I took them to the lounge and handed them to Ethan, “These are pretty new, but they don’t fit me anymore. Phil and I’ll get you sorted out with a few things of your own in due course, but you’ll need to make do for tonight.”

“Thanks,” Ethan said, still a little tearful, “I basically have nothing at the moment so…”

“They’re officially yours if you want,” I told him, with a gentle smile.

I let Ethan know he could go and get changed in the bathroom. In the meantime, I went to check over our spare bedroom and make sure it was ready for a guest. It was more or less good to go; Phil and I had put the sheets back on the bed after we’d washed them from Adam being here, so it was all set up and ready to go.  All I needed to do was move a couple of things that Phil and I had dumped in there to get them out of the way. There was one of Phil’s coats that he didn’t wear much, some cardboard boxes and packaging that should really be in the recycling and the hoover. I moved them all to our office, which we didn’t really use much and functioned mainly as a storage room. The guest room was now ready to go.

Ethan was still in the bathroom, which thankfully Phil cleaned after I threw up. I was trying to think of what other essentials he would need… a toothbrush and toothpaste. I took to mine and Phil’s ensuite bathroom and had a rummage through the cupboard. I’d had a feeling that we had a new toothbrush and toothpaste in there as spares for when ours needed replaced. I took them through and was just past the bathroom door, when Ethan emerged, now dressed in pyjamas and a little damp in the face.

With that, I realised he would need a towel to dry his face on. I handed him the toiletries and headed for the cupboard we kept towels in, “These are for you; I’m just gonna grab you a towel.”

Ethan took the towel I gave him and gently patted his face cry, avoiding the bruised area around his eye. He let out a sigh and folded the towel up to put it on the towel rail.

“Tired?” I asked him.

Ethan nodded, “I know it’s early, but I’ve had all my energy beaten out of me, literally.”

“D’you want some tea or coffee or something before we phone Adam?” I asked him.

“Tea would be good,” he mumbled, picking up his clothes from the floor and flicking off the bathroom light.

“What kind?” I asked, so used to having different tea depending on how I was feeling.

“Uhh… normal?” Ethan replied, clearly unsure of the other options, “With milk and sugar.”

“Okay, sure, I’ll get the kettle on,” I told him, “D’you want me to wash your clothes?”

“Could you?” Ethan said, “That would be great.”

“Yeah, no problem,” I said, taking the pile of clothes he was holding, “You go and take a seat in the living room. I’ll be in two minutes.”

I dumped Ethan’s clothes in a pile in front of the washing machine and put the kettle on to boil. I sorted his clothes; his underwear jeans and socks were all dark so those could go in together. His t-shirt would need a little more attention. Thankfully, I’d actually figured out how the washing machine here worked, so I got it started in no time. We had a bucket we kept under the sink for the odd thing we had to hand wash, so I filled it with cold water and a little stain remover and left the t-shirt to soak in it. I didn’t know if it would work, but it was the best I could do.

“Dan, can I use this blanket?” Ethan called from the living room, holding one of the blankets that just seemed to live on our sofa now.

“Yeah, of course, that’s what it’s for,” I replied, glad he had asked rather than sitting there being cold.

The kettle had only just boiled, perfect timing to make the tea. I made a cup for both of us, deciding that I could have some myself while the water was hot. I carried the two cups of tea through to the living room and set them down on the coffee table.

“It might need to cool a little, but there you go,” I said, “D’you want anything to eat? A biscuit or something? Wait, have you had dinner?”

“I’ve had dinner, yeah,” Ethan confirmed, “Well most of it. It kinda got cut short though, so a biscuit or something would be good.”

“Okay,” I said, hurrying to the kitchen and grabbing the box of biscuits Phil had made, “Phil made these. They’re really good; help yourself.”

“When’s he home?” Ethan asked, glancing at the clock, which showed it was a couple of minutes to nine.

“We’ll he’ll be finishing his shift in the next couple of minutes, so probably about half nine, as he needs to get his stuff from the back room and then walk home,” I explained.

I had just brought my phone out of my pocket to call my family’s home phone, when the screen lit up with Phil calling.

“Oh, Phil’s calling. I texted him with what happened, so he’s probably wanting to hear more,” I told Ethan, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep it short so we can call my mum.”

I picked up the phone, “Hi Phil.”

“Dan. Right, I’ve just finished my shift; I’m through the back now getting my stuff and I’ll hurry home. Have you got everything under control? Have you been in contact with Adam?” Phil rushed, his speech a little unclear but I still got the message.

“Yeah, I’ve had the first aid kit and the frozen peas out and done what I can,” I explained, “I’ve given him some pyjamas, we’ve just sat down with some tea and we’re about to phone my parents. Adam hasn’t replied to the text Ethan sent him, but I’m sure I’ll be able to get through to my mum or dad.”

“Okay, well I won’t keep you,” Phil said, “I’ll see you soon… love you.”

“Love you Phil, bye,” I replied, pausing a second then ending the call.

As soon as I ended the call with Phil, I got started on the call home. I pressed the call button and held the phone to my ear. It rang a number of times and I thought it was about to ring out, when my Dad picked up.

“Dan, son, this isn’t really the best time. Adam’s in a lot of pain from his soulmate and he tried to call him maybe like an hour ago and he wouldn’t pick up. He’s gotten so worried, he’s having some kind of breakdown,” my dad told me, “Mum’s with him; she’s doing her best, but there’s not really much she can do.”

“Dad, Ethan called me for help and I have him here with me now. He's got a few injuries but he's okay, he's conscious and drinking a mug of tea,” I told him, “Let Adam know he’s okay and maybe get him on the phone so they can speak.”

“Oh thank God,” my dad said, “Right I’m going to tell him.”

I heard the squeak of my parents bedroom door and a bit of scuffling. I heard the voices of my parents distantly, then some more scuffling as the phone was handed over.

Adam sound very rough as he picked up, “Dan? You've got Ethan there?”

“Yup, he's a bit beaten up as I'm sure you know, but I've done what I can with the first aid kit, some ice and some painkillers,” I explained.

“Thank you so much for taking care of him,” Adam choked, “Can I speak to him?”

“Of course, I’ll pass you over right now,” I said, handing the phone to Ethan.

I watched as Ethan explained all what happened to Adam, it tearing my heart out to hear some of the details he hadn’t told me. I wished this hadn’t happened to him, but something told me that life would get better for him from here on in.

He talked to Adam about it for a while, constantly on the verge of tears and having to pause occasionally to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. I’d asked him if he wanted me to leave to give him some privacy, but it seemed having me by his side was giving him some of the support he needed.

About twenty past nine, I heard the door open and turned around to see Phil taking his coat off. He was a little red in the face, but then he was home ten minutes earlier than I’d expected; he must have rushed. Phil came over to where I was sitting, leant over the back of the sofa and messed up my hair. I’d more or less given up on stopping him from doing that; it didn’t really matter as we were at home.

Phil bent down to whisper in my ear, “I’m going to grab a glass of water and I’ll be back.”

Phil had started to leave for the kitchen when I called him back, “Phil.”

“Yeah?” Phil murmured, back behind the sofa.

“Go and get changed or take a shower or whatever you feel you need to do,” I suggested, “We’re doing okay here.”

Phil left for our room, with the suggestion that Ethan and Adam could move their conversation to Skype so that they could see each other.

This idea seeming a good one, I butted to Ethan and Adam’s conversation, “Ethan, tell Adam to get mum to Skype me… then you can see each other.”

Ethan passed on the message and I grabbed my laptop from the coffee table, opening up the Skype application. It was a couple of minutes before my mum came online, so the boys kept to the phone in the meantime, but soon enough me and my mum were ready to pass the laptops over.

I took my phone back from Ethan and continued my conversation with my mum. We had a couple of things to talk about, the most urgent being Ethan and Adam’s current situation. I went away to the office with the phone, so there wasn’t interference with the Skype call going on in the living room.

“I don’t think they should be apart,” I told her, “Like, yes he’s only been here an hour, but I can see Ethan’s not good. He’s holding together at the moment, but he needs Adam. I know he can’t make everything better in an instant, but the support of his soulmate is really what Ethan needs.”

“I agree; they need to be together,” my mum said, thoughtfully, “Adam’s not been doing much better over the last two weeks, since he came home from you. Yes, things have been better now that he knows Ethan and can talk to him, but it’s hurting him to not be with him.”

“Could you and Dad bring Adam up here?” I asked, “Or are you too busy with work?”

“I’ll speak to Dad about it,” she said, “I don’t really want to shove him on a train up alone in this state. Plus, Dad and I haven’t seen where you’re living yet, so we could make a little trip out of it.”

“Yeah, if you can get the time off, that would be an idea,” I told her, “Though you and Dad’ll need to stay in a hotel because Phil and I only have one spare bed and it’s now Ethan’s.”

“What about Adam? Do we want him sharing with Ethan?” she asked, “They might… you know…”

“Have sex?” I finished, brashly, “You can’t really stop them as they’ll both be old enough in a few days. Whether they would or not, I don’t know, but I doubt you’ll be able to separate them easily.”

“Would you mind, if they like did it in your spare room?” she asked.

“Not really,” I said, pausing to think about it, “Like clearly there’s some logistics to think about, such as Phil and I making sure they have privacy, but I don’t have any problem with it. I’ll maybe have a little chat with Adam once he’s here, see what he’s thinking, if he’s ready, if he’s kitted out to be safe when they do.”

“Are you and Phil… ummm…?” she started, trailing off, clearly unsure how to ask her question.

“Sexually active? Yes,” I answered briskly, although a little embarrassed, ”Safe? Well we’re both tested so we’re good.”

I could almost feel my mum turning red at the other end of the phone. I stayed quiet, waiting for her to say something, to acknowledge what I’d said.

“Dan, the reason I never gave you a sex talk is because I don’t really know how it works between guys, so I’m glad you figured that out yourself,” she admitted, “I haven’t given Adam one either, d’you think he’ll figure it out? Ethan probably won’t know either because his family didn’t know he…”

“Mum, I’m sure they’ll figure it out,” I interrupted her ramblings, “But I’ll talk to Adam and see if he needs any advice.”

“Thank you,” she said, sounding a little tearful.

“You alright, Mum?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she paused, sniffing, “Just getting a little emotional about both my boys being grown up.”

“You’ve still got two years before Adam’s eighteen, I wouldn’t get too emotional,” I said, trying to make things better.

“I know,” she said, now putting on a cheery voice, “I’m going to go and talk to your dad about how soon we can bring Adam up; I’ll phone back in five-ten minutes.”

I returned to the living room, to find Phil having taken my earlier spot on the sofa next to Ethan. He’d clearly had a quick shower as he was now sitting in his pyjamas with wet hair. As I approached he moved over to give me my space back. I settled between him and Ethan, and looked over at the laptop, where I could see my brother’s face. Now Ethan had told him all what had happened, the conversation was more spread between us. I asked Adam how he was doing and if he’d been managing to get on track again with school over the last couple of weeks.

“I’m getting there,” he told me, “Like there are bits I’ve missed, so mum and dad are thinking about getting me tutors over Easter to help me figure out what I’ve missed.”

This sparked a thought in Ethan’s mind and he added to the conversation, “I don’t even know if I’m going to be sitting my exams. I don’t really know, but my mum told the school a bit of what happened and I’m off ill until further notice. They were sending bits of work for me but I never really got much done…”

At this moment, my mum burst into the room at Adam’s end, “Right, Adam, Dan… I’ve spoken with Dad. He has the day off tomorrow and I can phone in with a family emergency and we can be up there by lunchtime. How does that sound?”

“That’s fine,” I nodded, watching the happiness build on Adam and Ethan’s faces.

Adam turned away to talk to my mum and next to me Ethan was getting a little emotional, smiling, but tears starting to roll down his cheeks. I asked Phil to grab the tissues and passed him a couple, putting an arm around him and trying to give him a little emotional support.

This was clearly what he needed, as Ethan took this as an invite and curled up, leaning into me, seeking a hug. I brought my arms around him and held him steady as he was overcome by a bout of sobbing. I could see Adam on the laptop, trying to get Ethan’s attention, but it wasn’t really working.

“Ethan,” I mumbled, “Adam’s saying you need to take a couple of deep breaths and try to calm down a little.”

Ethan, nodded, shakily inhaling and exhaling. The tears were still leaking from his eyes, but he was trying to regain control.

“M sorry,” he mumbled, both to me and to the laptop, “I’m really tired and everything’s a bit much, but I’m glad I’ll see you tomorrow, Adam.”

I could see how tired Ethan was and half of his crying was from pure emotional exhaustion. I was worried about him; I knew he needed to get to bed.

“I think you two should finish up for the night,” I suggested, looking to Ethan and to Adam.

Ethan nodded, “Yeah, if you don’t mind Adam.”

“That’s fine, of course,” Adam said, “I’ll let you get some sleep. I wish I could give you a hug, but that’ll need to wait until tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Ethan mumbled.

“Dan,” Adam started, “Thanks for taking care of him. Make sure he gets to sleep okay for me.”

“I will,” I nodded, not even needing to be told as some part of my family instinct was making sure I took care of Ethan; he was pretty much family after all.

Once the call had ended, I gave Ethan a couple of minutes to himself, then encouraged him up to go clean his teeth. I waited until he was in bed, then went to check up on him and ask if he needed anything.

“No, I'm good,” Ethan told me, but not sounding entirely convincing.

“Okay, goodnight then,” I said, slowly shutting the door; he probably just needed his space.

Only a moment after the door clicked shut, Ethan's voice sounded from inside, “Dan?”

“Yeah?” I asked, opening the door again.

“I'm scared,” Ethan admitted, his voice trembling a little.

“Of what…?” I asked gently, pulling the chair over neared the bed and taking a seat.

“My future,” Ethan told me, struggling a little to get the words out, “Because I've pretty much dropped out of school; I couldn't cope with it. I was in hospital at the start of the year and I haven't been back since. I'm pretty much off ill for mental health reasons until further notice, but I couldn't focus on any of the work that got sent home so I just gave up. I'm probably not going to sit my exams, 'cause if I did, I'd be bound to fail. So then what? I've got a handful of mediocre GSCE results under my belt that no one really wants. I'm not going to be able to go to uni, or get a job easily and I don't even have my family to support me. My thousand pounds in the bank isn't gonna get me far if I don’t even have my debit card.”

“Ethan, I know it's not the same as your parents, but you have Adam… and me and Phil, and my parents. We're your family too and we're all here to support you,” I said, resting my hand on the duvet that covered his back, “Clearly your situation with school is difficult, but we'll figure something out. We’ll talk about it with my parents, they'll know what to do.”

I sat with Ethan for a little bit to make sure he was okay. I knew Phil was waiting for me in the living room, but I knew he wouldn't mind. In fact, he'd probably insist one of us did exactly what I was doing.

I stayed until Ethan started to doze off, creeping quietly out the room. I'd done what I'd promised Adam and made sure he got to sleep okay. I'm sure everything would be better tomorrow once they were together.

--

I joined Phil in the living room and let him know that all was well. Clearly our plans for the evening had been thwarted a little, but there were no harsh feelings. Phil and I talked for a while about what all had happened, making sure he was fully informed about Ethan's injuries.

We gradually got ourselves ready for bed, it not really mattering if we were in bed early as we could just sit and chat comfortably.

Once we were in bed, I went over a few things with Phil. I told him about what happened earlier with the near miss with the car that sped out of a junction in front of us. At the time it had been terrifying, but with everything that had gone on since then, it was starting to fade into the back of my mind. Phil let me know how relieved he was that we were okay and congratulated me on handling my anxiety about the situation well.

“How are you feeling with what’s happened to Ethan? Seeing the outcome of another abusive relationship; is that affecting you at all?” Phil asked, a little cautiously.

“A little, yeah,” I nodded, “Like the bruises… I had bruises after… uhh… but I managed to focus on looking after him, but it’s reminding me of what happened to me and I don’t like it.”

Phil lifted me the short distance into his lap and made his arms a little more snug around me, “If it gets too much, let me know immediately. Though I suspect he’ll be looking more to Adam for support as of tomorrow.”

“I know,” I nodded, “It just hurts to see him this down and to know so well why he’s feeling that way.”

Phil nuzzled his face into his neck, “It might not be easy, but he’s going to be okay… and you’re going to be okay too.”

“We need to make sure he gets counselling or therapy or something soon,” I said, “Like we don’t know how much this is going to affect him in the long run.”

“I’ll make a note of that,” Phil said, grabbing his phone from the bedside table, “That’ll remind me to bring it up if we forget.”

“Good,” I smiled, resting my head on Phil’s shoulder.

I took a couple of deep breaths, inhaling some of Phil’s warmth. It was relaxing to be this close with him, but my body was still craving something more, a feeling of arousal still pooled silently in my abdomen from earlier in the afternoon. I wasn’t really sure what to do about it… could we still do something even though Ethan was here, or would that be too risky as he could overhear us? Not even realising, I let out a quiet groan, something Phil wouldn’t have heard if we hadn’t been so close.

“Dan?” Phil said softly, “You okay?”

Knowing I wouldn’t gain anything from keeping it from him, I let Phil know what the issue was, “I need to get off… or something.”

“Ahh,” Phil mumbled, “Did you stretch earlier ‘cause we were planning something?”

“Yeah,” I admitted, nodding, “Like I’ve been saving myself for you. I haven’t gotten off since we last did together.”

“Dan, that was over a week ago,” Phil said, shocked, “Even I’ve had a wank in the shower and I’m the old one here.”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t feeling up to it with all the medication side effects, but I’m good now,” I explained, “I did start a couple of times but got too tired before I could finish. Now I feel like I’m going to explode if I wait much longer.”

“You’re not going to explode,” Phil laughed, “We can still do something, but you’ll need to be fairly quiet. I’m thinking quite calm and not too rough; that’ll help you relax.”

“Sounds good,” I said, “How would you like me?”

“Stay where you are; this is good,” Phil told me, “I’m going to let you take a bit of control here and ride me. Does that sound okay?”

“Yup,” I nodded, starting to envisage how this was going to happen, “Good plan.”

Phil returned his head to the crook of my neck, nuzzling his face in again but this time starting with some kisses. By now, Phil knew exactly where my sensitive spots were, probably better than I did. Phil worked slowly from my neck to my jaw, then up to my mouth, meanwhile slipping his hand under the bottom of my t-shirt and caressing the skin of my lower back.

Kissing me deeply, Phil slipped his hand round to my chest, firmly rubbing over my nipple. Suddenly feeling the need for more, I brought my chest closer to Phil’s, craving that closeness. He put his hand out to stop me; for a moment I felt a sense of rejection, that was until he slid both hands under my shirt and lifted it over my head. Phil’s shirt followed and finally I got the closeness I desired.

The warm mass of Phil’s chest pressed up against mine made me feel all bubbly inside. I don’t know if that stemmed from it having been so long since we had this level of intimacy, or just the fact I was so turned on already, starting to feel myself growing hard.

Keeping one hand on my back to keep me close, Phil reached his other down between us and began to touch me through my boxers. It didn’t take long for me to be thrusting into Phil’s palm, fully hard and ready for more. He too had a tent growing in his pyjama bottoms. With both selfish desire and a wish to turn Phil on further, I shuffled forward a little and ground down against him. He had to bite his lip and breathe out loudly to suppress a moan.

--

Phil’s POV:

Dan was slowly killing me with the way he was moving and I was struggling to keep things together. There came a moment when Dan paused and I decided it was time to put the attention back on him. I helped him out of his boxers, licked a couple of my fingers and rubbed them gently over his entrance. I didn’t do it, not without lube, but I felt how easy it would be to just slip them in.

Getting Dan to lift himself up for a moment, I pulled my pyjama bottoms down to my knees and reached out for the lube. Moments later, he settled back on my lap, his length positioned perfectly to have a swordfight with mine. I lubed up my fingers and got started with a little stretching. I could tell Dan had done a lot himself earlier, but the last thing I wanted was to be rough on him when he was a little emotionally sensitive.

I had to shush Dan a couple of times when my fingers brushed his sweet spot. I decided to reduce the distance that had grown between our upper bodies, one for the change in angle, and two so I could capture his mouth in a kiss to keep him quiet. Dan’s moans now muffled themselves in my mouth, a great outcome meaning that I could hear him but we were still being quiet enough.

With Dan’s needy moans and my straining length, I decided it was time we actually got down to doing it. First coating myself in some lube, I lifted Dan up, hands gripping his bumcheeks, and helped him sink slowly onto me. Of course, we started slowly, but today we kept the speed a bit slower, more controlled.

I kept my hands on Dan, supporting some of his weight to make things easier for him, but still letting him have the majority of the control. The sensual experience of his pleasure and movements was doing it for me and Dan seemed to be getting just what he needed out of it. He was rolling his hips and moaning into my mouth and everything that was making him feel good was making me feel ecstatic also.

By no means did this turn out to be a quick fuck; it took us a while to reach a state of orgasm, but it was completely worth it.

“M close,” Dan mumbled me a warning, bouncing a little faster and working his hand up and down himself.

I let my hand join Dan’s for the final few strokes, giving him a little bit extra to help him get over the edge. Dan’s orgasm started with him tightening around me, then the spurts of white started to decorate our hands and chests.

Having Dan orgasm around me was enough to get me there too. We pretty much rode out our orgasms together, although Dan’s lasted longer and was a lot more intense, him trembling and shaking as he came, doing his best to stay quiet.

Despite starting to feel a little overstimulated, I let Dan continue to ride me until he was finished. Spent, he pulled himself off me and returned to just sitting on my thighs, my hands still on his bum to hold him as he came down from his intense high. He was still trembling slightly, letting out little pants and holding onto me tightly.

For a minute we just sat there, both of us needing the time to recover. Dan seemed a lot more drained of energy than I was; I couldn’t see him getting up to get himself cleaned up.

“I’m going to go grab a washcloth and I’ll help you get cleaned up,” I told him, forcing him to move a little so I could get out from underneath him.

I headed into our ensuite, grabbed a washcloth from the side of the bath - one that had likely been used for similar purposes before but washed since - and ran it under the hot tap. I waited until the water had made it pleasantly warm, before turning the tap off and wringing it out so it wouldn’t drip everywhere.

I gently wiped down where Dan had come on himself, not wanting him to be uncomfortably sticky in his sleep. Before getting into bed next to him, I wiped some similarly sticky areas on myself and tossed the cloth to the side of the room, into a pile of clothes for washing.

I put my pyjama bottoms back on so I wasn't completely naked and got into bed with Dan. I asked him if he wanted any of his pyjamas back on, but he just refused sleepily and cuddled up to my side. I made sure the duvet was covering him well, wished him goodnight and held him close as we both drifted off to sleep.

Next Chapter =>

[avengerofyourheart]

You are My Heaven Pt 2 [End] (Steve Rogers fic)

Characters: reader, Steve, Sam, Natasha (mentioned), Maria Hill

Summary: Falling for a good man, who happened to be her training partner, was unavoidable. What if you can’t stay away, even after heartbreak? Is it possible to be friends with some one you’ve fallen for? Life rarely unfolds the way we hope it would. (Events take place after CATWS)

Warnings: lil fluff, lotta angst. Heartbreak. I’m sorry.

Word Count: 2.8k

Song Inspiration: Litost by X Ambassadors

Tags are at the bottom

A/N: This one hurt. Once again, I drew from my own personal experiences, so it took a lot out of me to write. I hope you enjoy it? I’m considering an epilogue, so let me know if that is of interest! Please let me know your thoughts! Special thanks to @buckyywiththegoodhair for helping edit. Bless you!  

<<<Part One   Part Two   Epilogue>>>

Masterlist

____________________________________________________

The next morning after a maximum of 3 hours sleep, you dabbed on some concealer to hide bags under your eyes and got dressed. Hopefully you could blame your ‘illness’ on not looking your best. Once you arrived, it seemed you didn’t have to worry. Apparently Nat was a little too good at telling the story that you’d been sick. When you walked into work, everyone was shocked that you were “up and around” so soon. It was like you had the plague or something.

Assuring everyone you were fine, the office was back to business as usual. However, partway through your first day back, a mission report update arrived from Steve. Upon seeing the email, your breath quickened with a twist of your still-tender heart. You sought refuge in the bathroom until the pain in your chest subsided and tears dried. 

The rest of your week passed without incident, the only unusual being your lack of visiting the gym. Even without Steve there, too many memories lingered. You kept yourself distracted by catching up on work and spending time with the other Avengers. That weekend, you actually made an effort to go out with friends and socialize. The pain in your chest still lingered, but less sharply than before.

As Monday rolled around, though, there was a different sore of ache within you that couldn’t be placed. Midday approached, and you realized it: you missed being in the gym. So much time spent pushing your body to its limits, finding your strengths and weaknesses and then collapsing in bed that night sore but feeling accomplished. Thinking back all those months ago, you remembered that Steve Rogers was not the reason you started training. He was there from the beginning but you came for your own reasons. You just needed to find those again. Checking in with Maria first, you then grabbed your gym bag you kept in the office and headed out.

Squaring your shoulders to face the punching bag, you felt your gloved hands pound the heavy leather, a satisfying smack reverberating through the gym each time. A bead of sweat trickled down your back and you could feel the soreness in your muscles build after being away the past week. Finding yourself in the zone, it took a few moments before the gym’s raised noise levels registered in your mind. Looking around, you saw the three Avengers had returned from their mission victorious, tired smiles on their dirt and soot covered faces while others congratulated them. Sometimes they preferred to clean up in the locker room rather than traipse their muck-covered boots and otherwise soiled gear into their own rooms.

You saw Steve’s adorable helmet hair almost immediately and his bright blue eyes caught your gaze. Your heart did a strange flop in your chest, as if it had forgotten how to behave. He gave you a smile and raised a hand in greeting, which you returned. You didn’t have a smile for him just then, though, still conflicted in your feelings. Turning back toward the punching bag, you paused a moment before resuming your punches. Next came a light run on the treadmill followed by some stretching and you called it a day.

That evening, your phone chimed as you got ready for bed.

Hey, Y/N! Glad to see you’re recovered. Up for a training session tomorrow?

The flutter in your stomach had returned, heart still uncertain. Thumbs poised over the screen, you finally pecked out a reply.

The question is, are you? I think you’ve earned a day off.

Those three dots appeared as he typed, reply popping up quickly.

Nah, I’m good. Plus I hear you’ve been slacking off. ;)

A small chuckle escaped you at the Captain’s use of an emoji, even surprising yourself. Lowering your phone, you considered it. Steve was still offering to train you, probably because he had no idea you had fallen for him, and just because he really was an amazing guy. You couldn’t fault him for unknowingly breaking your heart. You alone had fallen with no one to catch you, but he wasn’t to blame for that. And when it really came down to it, even after all you had been through…you missed him. Seeing him today even for those few seconds, you felt better than you had for over a week.

Was it possible? Could the cause of your pain also be the unexpected healing of it? Steve still carried that light within him, a warmth that had been lacking since you’d last seen his handsome face. A sunless, grey sky was what your life had become until he glanced your way once again. The question was…could you handle being around him again? Was your heart strong enough? How much worse could it be? You’d rather not have that last question answered, but feeling brave, you typed a quick answer and hit send.

I’ll be there.

__________

What have I done With my heart on the floor I must be out of my mind To come back begging for more

The following afternoon, you took a deep breath before passing through the gym doors. Steve caught your eye and waved you over toward the free weights, smile upon his gorgeous face. If you were going to do this, then he’d have to stop it with the dimples because damn, he was adorable. As you got closer though, you saw a small cut to his right cheekbone, concern furrowing your brow.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Steve, what happened?” you asked, raising a hand to touch him, but then pulling back self-consciously.

His fingers brushed the nearly healed scrape, “This? It was nothing. Ready to get back to work? You were looking good, coming up against the punching bag yesterday. Your form has come a long way.”

Silent a moment, you considered his response. While your concern for his wellbeing was genuine, you needed to realize that you weren’t the person that he would talk about the details of his missions with. You had hoped to be that person once upon a time, the one he talked to about everything, but you now knew it wasn’t meant to be. Seeing him again and knowing that he would never be anything more than a friend to you…it hurt. Not as the initial rejection had, but more like someone was firmly pressing against a bruise. It was a reminder of what you already knew but it would still take time for you to move on. Hopefully.

As Steve had said, you were his friend. Couldn’t you just let him be YOUR friend? Nothing more? Maybe.

Clearing your thoughts, you nodded, setting your bag to the side. You followed him onto the mat and then mirrored his movements as you both began stretching.

______

And how long must I stay Will I lay by your side Just to say that I'm yours Oh, and you'll never be mine

Another two months passed by and life resumed its natural rhythm. Work kept you busy and so did training, which you were enjoying more and more each day. You spent your time in the gym mostly with Steve, but you also tried to train with other Avengers as well. Telling yourself repeatedly that he could not be the center of your universe, you made a point not to say yes every time he was free. Becoming too available and avoiding other aspects of your life once again was just asking for trouble.

Everything changed one day though when Maria asked you to step into her office just as you were heading to training. You entered the gym 20 minutes later, mind on overload. Automatically, you set down your bag and taped up your hands, eyes unfocused as thoughts raced.

“Y/N…” Steve tried to grab your attention, snapping his fingers before your face. “Earth to Y/N…everything okay?”

Mind returning to the present, you met Cap’s brilliant blue eyes. “Hm? Yeah…sorry. I’m okay. I think.”

“You sure? You seem distracted…”

“I, um…I have a job interview in a few days,” you answered, still waiting for the news to sink in for yourself.

“Job interview? You’re leaving us? Where to?” Steve inquired with a furrow in his brow.

“London.”

Shocked, Steve sputtered, “England? You’re leaving the country? Wow. When?”

“I don’t know…I mean, I leave tomorrow for the interview and I’ll be gone only three days, but if I get the offer, then maybe…” you trailed off, still unsure if this was all real.

Maria had asked you to come into her office, informing you that a new position was opening up. She knew you had outgrown your current position and wanted the best for you, so she offered your name. SHIELD had a London branch before the revelation that HYDRA was actually pulling all the strings. It all came crashing down on both sides of the ocean, although less literally in England. No high-tech Helicarriers fell into the Thames that day, only the loss of trust between coworkers and the fleeing of cowardly HYDRA agents before they could be discovered.

London SHIELD had lie dormant since then, but there was a need for reliable eyes and ears overseas, so the higher-ups decided to build it back up. The position you were applying for was basically Maria’s job, but on a smaller scale. It was a great opportunity. You just had to decide if it was right for you, should you get the job.

“That’s um…wow. That’s great,” Steve replied, still looking almost as shocked about the situation as you did. He snapped out of it though, then clapping his hands. “Well. Let’s break a sweat before you enjoy all those fish & chips, huh?”

Letting out a chuckle, you nodded, preparing to stretch.

_________

Those three days in London had been an incredible whirlwind. After the interview, a thorough background screening, and some time spent in the city, you were headed home with a lot to think about.

London was a gorgeous city, old and historic blending seamlessly into sleek and modern across the skyline. Getting around was quite easy, actually, reminding you a lot of New York City. The Tube Subway system was convenient and almost idiot proof once you got the hang of it. It was literally color-coded, for heaven’s sake; each line a certain color on the map and even the trains themselves had colored railings. It was also clean and generally on time, which you could not say the same about New York’s Subway.

The trip to your interview went smoothly, arriving at 30 St Mary Axe with 10 minutes to spare. The building was all curves with gleaming windows, the top tapering into a dome. Most refer to it by its nickname: the Gherkin, for the pickle-like shape it resembled. SHIELD inhabited multiple floors in the office building rather than a large structure of its own. The British were much less ostentatious than their American counterparts.

The interview went swimmingly as the conversation flowed and the responsibilities required were discussed. Your references and experience nearly spoke for themselves. You were offered the position on the spot but were given a few days to let them know.

Walking into the office the next day, slightly jet lagged, you were surprised to find Steve leaving Maria’s office as you entered.

“Y/N, hey! How was London?” he asked you, all smiles

“Hi, Steve. London was…amazing,” you responded with a grin.

“Really? So you got it?”

“I did.”

“Wow, congratulations!” Steve offered with enthusiasm, unexpectedly wrapping you in a hug. You melted into his warm, strong arms as his musk of vanilla and spice overwhelmed you.

He just as quickly released you, leaving you stunned a moment. “Um…thanks, Steve. I haven’t quite decided if I’ll accept, but it’s a great opportunity.”

“Oh. Well, if you do, we’ll sure miss you around here,” he said sincerely, half-smile upon his face.

You nodded, suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of saying goodbye to…everyone. Struck with bravery and caught up in the moment, you called out as he turned to go.

“Steve! Um..”

He turned back toward you, curious.

“Will you go to dinner with me?” you blurted. Surprise dawned on his features so you quickly went on, “I…I mean, we never did go out for Indian food. Seems like now is the time.” A pang of instant regret hit you as he paused in the doorway, wishing to retrieve the words. Feeling embarrassed, you awaited his response while biting your lip nervously.

“Uh…sure. Yeah, that’d be great,” he said with a smile.

Exhaling in relief, you returned his smile. “Okay. Awesome. I’ll send you the details.” And he left with a nod.

____________

The following night, you found yourself sitting across from Steve at your favorite Indian restaurant, the table piled high with all sorts of tasty dishes. He wanted to try a little bit of everything and you had no objection, helping yourself to rice and curry paired with garlic naan, your favorite. Steve even tried the hottest curry on the menu, resulting in coughing and sweating on his part and uncontrollable laugher on yours. He was a good sport though and felt much better after a large amount of ice water.

Conversation flowed easily, him asking about your new position and how you felt about moving overseas. You had made the call a few hours ago to accept. It was all big and scary and new, but it was too good of an opportunity. If you were going to move forward in your career and see the world, this was the best way to do it. Not that you were without reservations, though. A small part of you still wanted to stay for reasons you hadn’t been willing to admit until now.

Other than leaving behind all that was familiar: friends, co-workers, the hustle and bustle of a city you loved, you were also leaving a part of your heart behind. Try as you might to not let yourself have feelings for Steve, once again you found that you had no choice in the matter. There was no use denying it: you were in love with Steve Rogers. Not Captain America, the iconic superhero the rest of the world loved. No, you fell for the funny, sweet man from Brooklyn who helped a friend without a thought and never failed to put a smile on your face.

Once again, you had fallen all on your own and the impact wasn’t going to be easy, but this big change was probably for the best. Time away from him might actually allow you to let go. You did feel like you were losing your best friend, too, which hurt just as much.

At the end of the night, he walked you to your door like the gentleman he is while your mind raced with what to say. Coming to a stop, he turned toward you, hands in his jacket pockets.

“Steve, I um…I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. For being willing to train with me, keeping my spirits up, for pushing me to always be better and just…being my friend. And thank you for coming out to dinner. It meant a lot to me,” you said, hoping you wouldn’t get too emotional. This wasn’t even an official goodbye, just goodnight, but this might be the last time you were alone with Steve. There was a fine line between saying too much and not enough.

Steve grinned at you, those adorable dimples on display. “You are more than welcome, Y/N. You’ve been a great friend and I’ve really enjoyed our time together. I hope you’ll continue your training over there because you have potential. And thank you for dinner. I had a great time. I’ll miss having you around.”

A beat of silence lingered before you leaned in for a hug, burning the memory in your mind of being in his arms, if only for a short moment. You said your goodbyes and stepped inside, leaning against the door as you heard his footsteps fade.

After a week of chaos and tying up every loose end in your life, you found yourself on the plane headed for London. You hadn’t allowed yourself much time to think the past few days but as the plane rose and you caught one last glance of the city from above, you felt your heart ache while a few tears fell. For all that you were leaving behind. For all the new experiences to come. And for Steve.

When this love like a hole Swallowed my soul Dragging me down… And I'll never be whole again

Epilogue >>> 

The Truth Behind “You Are My Heaven” (personal story)

_________________________________________________________

There it is. I know, I’m sorry!! But trust me, I lived it. Slightly different circumstances, but there was definitely Indian food. If anyone’s curious what the real story is, let me know. I could possibly be persuaded. I’m thinking of doing an epilogue! Thoughts?? Let me know! I love to hear from you lovely people! Also I really have been to London and yes, you should be jealous. I’d go back in a heartbeat. 

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[psychicscavenger]

ok i applied to several jobs today some of them seem awesome so hopefully ill hear back from one of them

[laurajanecostello]

If one in four people have a mental health problem at some point in their lifetime, it should be something we can openly talk about without fear or ridicule, yes?

1 in 4 means approx 25 in 100, 250 in 1000 and so on. It means most families or workplaces will have someone who has suffered or is suffering with some degree of mental illness. It means in the UK, there are approximately 16.28 million people with a mental health issue, and 2.17 million in London.

So, why can’t we talk about it?

I spoke recently about the kerfuffle I was having in getting a firm offer for my new job. You can find that post here. When I last posted, I had been referred to a doctor from the occupational health nurse, because she wasn’t sure whether to give me clearance or not.

So, I met with the doctor last week. She was lovely and actually listened to what I was saying. She agreed that although my condition has peaks and troughs (as most mental illnesses do), it is well managed and I am very much aware of my own triggers and deterioration in my own condition. We also agreed that I know the importance of seeking help and when to do so. Consequently, she said she would be clearing me to start the position.

Based on my assessment today, there are no medical contraindications to prevent Ms “MamaEden&Me” from undertaking this position

Excellent, right? I thought so. When I was given my conditional offer, the conditions were that I could prove any relevant professional registrations (which was not applicable as I have none that apply to this job) and that if I had a health condition or disability, Occupational Health gave me clearance to start the role. Simple. The above is pretty much as clear as it gets. the MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL says I’m good to go.

Yesterday I emailed HR from home to ask when my firm offer would be with me, seeing as I have now received the clearance that we had been waiting for. A medical professional says I’m fit, so that must be it, right? Well, I didn’t hear anything from HR, but later in the day I received a voice message on my phone from the new job. A sort of “can you call me back?” type message.

I rang straight back. Basically they had called to make sure I knew what the job entailed and that it would be busy and there would be twelve hour shifts. This was not the person who interviewed me, so I told her that I used to take 999 calls for the ambulance service. I’ve done night shifts before. I’ve done twelve hour shifts before. This is old hat, really. Never mind the fact that the job is a band two reception role – no doubt it has its stressors but I’m not exactly applying to be CEO of the world, if you know what I mean? I work in a reception role currently, I know the workplace systems and such. I have some idea of at least the layout of the department because I had my baby there. It’s a new job, but it’s not “that” new really.

There were concerns raised. Concerns that I might relapse. I had six weeks off at the start of the year (after having no time off with it in the last three years…). What the doctor said in her letter was that good stress management in the workplace (which is something being fostered here anyway at the moment) would hopefully reduce the risk of relapse, but she cannot guarantee that I won’t relapse.

While I am hopeful that this may help reduce the risk of relapse of her condition, I cannot fully rule out the possibility of future relapses

The thing I struggle to understand about this is MOST health conditions have a relapse risk. If I had diabetes and my condition was well managed at present, there is still no guarantee of no future worsening. There’s no guarantee I won’t fall and break my leg tomorrow and require time off. This is what happens when you employ human beings – sometimes we need time off for various unavoidable things. I think what the doctor said is perfectly reasonable, but apparently this is a sticking point to the new dept who seem to think that I will cost them time and money if I relapse.

One thing that is on my side, is that the letter from the doctor also states this…

The nature of her condition in my opinion likely falls under the disability provisions of the Equality Act which would require consideration of reasonable adjustments within the context of her work.

So, although it has been stated in the letter that I do not need reasonable adjustments presently, it has brought up the good old Equality Act. I’m hoping that will offer me some protection, because I’m 99.9% sure that if they withdraw their conditional job offer at this point, that would discrimate against me as a disabled person.

After our conversation, the new job person then said they are off for a few days, but will discuss with their manager when they return and they will give me a call on Monday. Which is almost a week away. Ironically, guess what this is doing to my anxiety levels?

I was made to promise that I wouldn’t worry about this, but it’s very hard not to worry when the chance of the offer being withdrawn is mentioned and there are quite so many questions about exactly what kind of inconvenience your disability will cause. This may not have been how it was intended, but it is certainly how it is coming across presently. Before the occupational health report, we were talking training dates and notice periods. Now? We’re “I’ll have to talk to my manager” and “Give me until Monday to get back to you”. I don’t know. Something just doesn’t feel right.

Apart from anything, I just really want this job. I really need to get out of my current job and I want something new. If I didn’t feel I could do it, I wouldn’t have applied and jumped through all the hoops so far. I certainly would not have accepted the job when it was offered to me. It’s been six weeks now. I should have been two weeks into my new job. I’ve wanted to work in maternity for some time and the fact that it’s almost in my hands and could be snatched away at the last minute is soul destroying.

So, what have we learned from this? Lie. Tick no. Don’t be open and honest, because that doesn’t go in your favour. If you’re disabled, shut up and pretend that you’re not. Or even better, don’t be disabled. Essentially this.

Honestly, how can we foster an open dialogue about mental health when this happens? People question why there is a stigma. Just read the above and you’ll understand. By this point, my health condition is just a part of me. It has been for six years now. It’s part of the jigsaw pieces that make up Laura.

I’ll post an update when I have one. Please keep fingers crossed that I’ll actually get to start the job that I was so excited about starting!

[freshobservationcollection-blog]

Mental Health in my life

How do I begin? I have struggled with mental health issues my whole life. Originally I was under the care and duress of a very mentally ill mother who until this day does not acknowledge her illness. Because of circumstances being what they were, I was very depressed growing up but often told by my ill mother to “get over it”, “you are just being dramatic”. Never once in my childhood was mental illness taken seriously. It was always considered that if you were closer to God then you would be fine. I learned early on not to trust my parents with my emotional being. I recall the fights wherein my father was emotionally and physically abused repeatedly by my mother. I remember my father threatening to take his own life because of how worthless she made him feel.  Growing up in a “Christian” home made me long to see my savior sooner rather than later. Heaven was built as a glorious place, which I am sure it is, but it fed my depression and anxiety. I wanted to find ways to get there faster because it would be so much better there – with a parent who truly loved me for me, no more pain, no more humiliation at the hands of the one on earth who was supposed to love me.

I have read truly horrifying stories of others who have gone through childhood abuse – most instances worse than mine.  It has taken me a long time to realize that that does not diminish what I lived through – what to this day are things I can’t always remember but my sister tells me is best that way. It does not lessen my PTSD symptoms. When I least expect it, when I am feeling “normal”- I will have a flashback, or nightmares unceasingly reliving the lies I grew up with about myself, the core of my being and the beatings that I didn’t always remember.  I don’t welcome this, I don’t embrace it. I am not happy to say, yes I have forgiven but I can’t forget. More than anything I want the ability to forget forever. Hopefully heaven will allow that.

Dealing with my family history and my own issues, has helped me tremendously in the life I have chosen for myself. I am married to a mentally ill man. His issues run deeper than even he realizes most of the time. Times when he needs the most help are also the times he pushes people away the most, when he trusts the least those who love him the most.

I have been subjected to various forms of emotional abuse from him over the years. While it has gotten better, I am still regularly reminded by him of what he believes my weaknesses are. I have fought very hard to have a healthy self-image and am willing to admit I, like others on the planet, have weaknesses but the one you love is not supposed to use those weaknesses against you. If this same attitude were turned onto him, then I would be “attacking” and “criticizing while a man is down”. I have had to leave work in fear for the safety of my children – thrilled at the same time to realize that when we created a safety plan they were listening, and were able to implement it. I have been stressed over the fact that I am working and going to college, leaving my kids to the whims of my husband’s moods. I have been stressed to think I am not a good mother either way – working or not working.  I have had my children take self-defense lessons from a trusted friend to defend themselves in the event he thinks he could get away with laying a finger on them. I have in my mind, distinguished between domestic violence as it is culturally defined and mental illness related “going off”. – Not that there is any research out there to really prove the difference, but with my history, trust me- there is a difference.

 The things I have gone through have left me alone. The church does not check in with a couple struggling with mental illness within their family. Heck, I found out at 18 that some pastors will just say you are a wayward teen – even if you are trying to unveil the truth and get your siblings to safety finally. I think there are a few reasons that the church isn’t behind the family dealing with mental illness:

1.      There are way too many people in the church who believe if your relationship with God were better you would be fine;

2.      Along the same lines, people believe if someone were to just pull themselves up by the bootstraps and think positively the ill person would magically be better.

3.      Mental illness is contagious – heaven forbid!!!

4.      The person is a sucker- sucking the life out of everyone who enters their orbit without giving back.

5.      The biggest reason- this is a long term care issue. Most illnesses have an ending time frame. Mental illness is life- long. Who has the time to commit to a friendship like that? Who even wants to?

After Robin Williams death, my mother started her platitudes about if one is closer to God then one will be happy. Apparently this is the same reason she won’t discuss her own nervous breakdown when I was 2 or3. Her belief is not that she was under stress with 2 children 16 months apart, and a mother who just died, but that all she needed to do was get right with God. I am a Christian. I believe God is Jehovah Rapha – the God who heals. I also believe as a church, we need to back off of this theology A LOT. In order for a church ordained healing to have taken place, there should be a further diagnosis from a doctor that symptoms are no longer present. There are some recorded times of this happening in the 20th & 21st Century. Just telling the world you are healed is not healing in and of itself. God still works today. I do not doubt that. What I have problems with is those who abuse this train of thought. Job was told by his friends that he must be disobeying God in some manner, have some secret sin. This was not the case; Job was still praising God through the storm. My own experience as a teen plays this out. I am sure that I am not the only teen raised “Christian” who thought life would be so much better on the other side of death then on this side. How could it be a sin to want to give your life and start life with God eternally?

People do not choose to be mentally ill, and especially when dealing with depression – can’t just CHOOSE to be happy. Have you ever woken up on a raining workday morning and the day has just sunk into your bones unbidden? If you haven’t, you are blessed. Depression is akin to the rainy morning, but it doesn’t stop when the sun comes out. It doesn’t stop if you sleep just 15 more hours because that is all you need – sleep.  It doesn’t stop if you have things on your schedule that are a “must do” yet you are too lethargic to make the must do list. So, the thing that works for you every time, your favorite hobby is calling for you to help pull you out of your pit of despair – instead what you hear is you are a failure, you won’t amount to anything, you can’t even do the stuff you use to enjoy doing, who would want to spend time with someone so worthless?

It seems that those who have no heart for the mentally ill think that just by listening to another’s struggles, you will get depressed too. Seriously? Can that be any more wrong? Yes, I understand talking too much to depressed people may make you see things through their eyes. So what? Isn’t that what compassion and empathy are about?  

About the great void created by the mentally ill in my life. No there isn’t one. It doesn’t suck you in. Mentally ill people who acknowledge they have an issue are nothing if not honest with their closest friends. They expect the same in return. One of my best friends has issues, and I can tell her, “Look, you are just too much like my husband right now and I can’t take it at the moment, I can only be a shoulder for one at a time right now. I will call you but right now he takes priority.” She understands this give and take. She understands that I love her enough to respect her while telling her constantly that she drives me crazy in the same way my husband does. She gets it – she sees the similarities.

At the same time, those who acknowledge their illness and are honest are the most loyal friends a person can have. These friends also seem to me to be gifted in some area and just don’t know how to apply that to the world at large. When they are stable, there are untold depths to their personality, person, character that people just do not take the time to see. The insight into their realms of subjects, their loyalty is unmatched. There is a wealth of information, philosophy and varied interest that lies within the mentally ill that many do not get to see because they judge first and never take the time to ask questions or get to know the person.

Please note that I have made a distinction between those who acknowledge their disease and those who don’t. People who regularly believe that they would be “…okay if…” are not accepting their diagnosis. It is normal, any psychiatrist will tell you, that once properly medicated, a patient will often begin to feel normal, and decide that the medicine is no longer needed. This is different than those who choose not to acknowledge their issues. It is common for anyone to just want to be “normal” and once that perceived state is reached, believe medicine is no longer a need. This is where good friends come in again- to correct the wrong perceptions of those in the struggle. Open, honest dialogue aids in the on-going care. The dialogue cannot be open, cannot be honest, can be thought to be traitorous if the true friendship isn’t in place.

The hard calls. Friends learn to make the tough decisions. I wish I knew when I was younger about calling the police to take my mom to the hospital so she would get treated. With my husband, we are at the point that we have long talks. Although he prefers never to see a locked ward again, we both know I would only do what is best for him mentally. My girlfriend, I am an ear for her to vent. I have had to consider the possibility of breaking her confidence, but somehow it all worked out.

Since I have learned over the years how to take care of me – because after all, not many others are looking out for my best interest –I am the caretaker. I have always felt a caretaker role but my depth of understanding has grown. No, I don’t have any college degrees (yet!); all I have is life as a teacher. There is no better student then one who wants to learn from the lessons life presents.

I have cried out for help, only to realize that none is really available. I have a son who was very young and couldn’t get to sleep because he was sure he would wake up with a knife in his hand and be killing us and him. Crisis response was that “he’s tired, calm him down and get him to sleep”. So the cycle continues in my life.

All that is continuously going on, all that I don’t really have time or the energy for - yet my kids deserve so much therefore - I will continue to make their lives the best I can according to my capability; according to the talents God has bestowed on me. Amid everything, we have a very open and honest relationship with the kids as to how this affects them personally and as people for the world at large. Their views of others struggles are so much more mature than that of their peers (and even a lot of adults I know) and that is an outcome I can be grateful for.