#i can't promise i will be more active however i am drawing much more in general - so i might be!

[chlorophyllical]

2016 -> 2023 redraw

[celerydays]

Hi! I have been following you for some time and I notice you draw more and more Sebastian and Ominis doing stuff that makes me... uncomfortable.....

Sebastian and Ominis are best friends, why people are obsessed with drawing them into weird gay stuff? Seriously.... Why can't be friends.... without all Sebinis... Just stop it...

Normally I would delete messages or simply ignore the things that make me feel uncomfortable–

But, you're on anon and this is my ask inbox, so I can only assume you want an actual, public response. So alright. Fine.

Like I said: normally I would just remove odd, uncomfortable, or even outright rude messages without making a whole thing of it. I curate my own online experience and I try my best to live by that rule.

However, I've now gotten multiple unsolicited DMs over the course of a couple of months expressing the exact same sentiment (and nearly word-for-word as this ask, so I highly suspect I already know who you are). I have duly ignored or glossed over them hoping that the person/people would take the hint to simply stop engaging with the same message over and over again. But an anon ask is my last straw, I guess.

So if you are the same person as in my DMs, I'm finally giving you a response (and if you're not the same person – which I highly doubt – then I'm speaking to both of you).

Firstly, I want to say that I am sorry that your worldview is so limited that this is your stance and feelings on gay/queer ship content for Sebastian and Ominis.

Next, I ask that you please:

Don't make your homophobia anyone else's issue but your own. Don't come into DMs/ask inboxes/comments to make your discomfort with the content I create my problem. I don't know what you hoped to accomplish by sending this message but it's unlikely that you'll find the same feelings or sympathy from the person who is actively creating queer/sebinis content.

Curate your own online experience. Once again, do not make your content consumption anyone else's problem but your own. The "unfollow" button is there. Tumblr has a tag filtering system and I try to tag my art and content as accurately as possible. If you do not like something/it makes you uncomfortable, then do not continue to consume it. And if you still decide to stick around for whatever reason, then please keep your thoughts/opinions on this matter to yourself because I can promise that I don't actually care why you would continue to be here and looking at my art if it makes you unhappy.

Widen your worldview and try to reframe your perspective. Consider that Sebastian x Ominis is just as canon as Sebastian x f!MC or Ominis x f!MC. As much as we like to ship our various MCs with the canon characters, MC never actually amounts to canonically being confirmed as anything but being just friends with everyone. Using the "they are just best friends" / "why can't they just be portrayed only as friends" could literally be applied to just about any other non-canon/non-confirmed ship between friends regardless of gender. If even one of them, Ominis or Sebastian, was portrayed as cis female in canon, I would suspect that you would better "understand" why a ship between these two "friends" may exist. Then also consider a cis male MC; it's possible you may suddenly reframe all the interactions between Ominis x m!MC or Sebastian x m!MC in your head to be "totally platonic/friendly". Your issue is certainly not with their canon relationship vs. fandom portrayal (but I think we both know that).

Educate yourself. Go outside and meet and talk to people, I dunno. It is 2024 my dude. I don't even know how you're on Tumblr – the most queer-friendly social media site – with those kind of narrowed views and stigma.

I would like to finish by saying: I don't wish you the best. What I do wish is for you to learn, grow, and be better than this.

And also please stop sending me messages of this nature, because the next ask or DM I get like this, we're moving on to blocking at this point. And if your purpose was to get me to stop, I can tell you that these messages have only fueled the explicit sebinis smut maker in me. 😤

[castletown-cafe]

Life Updates, AuDHD, and A Mental Trainwreck

Content Warnings: Mental illness, current events, betrayal trauma, abuse, & family death.

It's time I talked about how things have been for me lately. I'm tired of hyping up all these things/projects I can't commit to, it feels like I'm making promises I can't fulfill. I get too ambitious, I get too many ideas, and even the ones I manage to see through, I just do not enjoy the writing portion.

About a year ago, my focus drifted away from Castletown Cafe. Many of you here may know what that's like to lose interest/hyperfixation on one thing and get fixated on something else, that's natural for us with autism and ADHD. We get an intense hyperfocus on a topic or project for a while only to shift to the next topic, losing interest or forgetting about the previous. I got really fixated on Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, Splatoon 3, and ACNH this past year, as well as making my own unrelated cooking projects revolving around seasonal ingredients. This fall, I got crazy ambitious for an entire fall-themed cookbook and even a Halloween one, things that obviously will take years of practice and experimentation (and need year-round work).

On top of that, however, I have not been feeling as well mentally this year. I've had less motivation to draw, and felt a stronger dislike of writing. If you have ADHD you know how hard it is to get yourself to do something you don't want to do. It's like pulling teeth. I've always had issues with executive dysfunction, and I wonder how much of it I've succumbed to this year. And while I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, I'm wondering/concerned if I am showing signs of it like I might have been this year with my lack of motivation, my focus and drive getting worse, loss of enjoyment of things I ordinarily enjoy doing, such as drawing, feeling sad more often, and either sleeping too much or too little.

Granted the events of this fall haven't helped. We all know what's going on in the world right now. It's horrifying, it's depressing, and it's easy to feel helpless, but we all have the power to protest, to boycott, and to use social media to amplify voices of the marginalized. I have been very active on Twitter with this, but it has also been hard to enjoy my favorite times of year, the fall and Halloween, when tens of thousands are being massacred. It's no wonder I have been so depressed this fall, knowing the country we live in is siding with the colonizers and is actively funding genocide. Our tax dollars are being used to fund this and many, if not most, American brands and companies are also in favor of it.

Then, in November, I discover that an 80s band I liked is guilty of VERY inappropriate behavior toward women. One I had been listening to for the past few years. Fronted by a guy whose music I had enjoyed since childhood. I shouldn't have been so surprised, but it still broke me anyway. Another betrayal was a YouTuber who turned out to be an imposter with no thoughts or opinions of his own, only stolen from others. Yet another was a confirmation of suspicions I had toward a certain animator having NPD and being abusive, (who, to be honest, I never actually liked, just her art style and cartoons).

Oh, but that's not all! Here's where it gets really personal, but I think I really need to disclose this. On top of everything going on, I had two deaths in the family recently. One was a parent whom I didn't get along with very well, the other was my old pup Oscar. My old doggo has been easier to grieve, because he was a sweet, good boy....and honestly....he deserved a better end to his life than what he got. He was living with my father, keeping him company. My father was the parent I had a bad relationship with, and is the reason I advocate strongly for responsible and careful drinking. Because he failed to do that. He always used alcohol for self-medication, something you should NEVER do. His substance abuse got worse and worse over the years, driving him meaner and more abusive. He was never really kind to me, even if he tried to be. I never had a good relationship with my father, and honestly I know a lot of people can relate to that with one or both of their parents. A lot of us have betrayal trauma from growing up, maybe you have parents who don't love you unconditionally, or parents who never wanted to be parents, emotionally or physically abusive parents, you get the idea. Mine just so happened to be a man born and raised in a time where there was no diagnosis for his neurodivergence. He had tons of internalized ableism that he pushed onto me, and modelled horrible, angry behavior. He also had depression, but never sought help, and I believe that's due to toxic masculinity.

He can't hurt me anymore, though. I moved out of his house almost 5 years ago, and I wish it had been sooner. I'm not sure how to feel about his passing, because of how he treated me when he was alive. One thing I have been feeling though, is stress. He has left behind a house that is a disaster because he neglected to take care of it, tons of debt because he had failed to pay his bills, and no will whatsoever so inheritance is also going to be a mess to untangle. My family and I have been going back to that house to clean it, get it repaired, and figure out what to do with everything left behind. Right in the middle of a holiday season. What fun /sarcasm.

On the topic of Oscar, it's safe to say how he passed/what happened. My father went first, and so Oscar just curled up next to him.....and stayed there until he also died. And honestly....that's just heartbreaking.....I wish Oscar could've howled for help, that someone could have heard him and come to his rescue and taken care of him....but he didn't....I just wish i could have been by Oscar's side in his final moments. I know he was an old dog, he lived to be 15 and a half...but he's with my grandma now and I hope she's taking good care of him, wherever they are.

Meanwhile, Penny has been a new family member since July. She has been by my side to give hugs and cuddles, and I've needed them a lot these past few weeks. Since Oscar stayed behind to keep my father company when I moved out a few years ago, I missed my puppy, and having a little doggo around. And so, enter Penny. She's even registered as an emotional support animal, or ESA, and she goes all kinds of places with me. I love the attention she gets from other people when we go shopping together. Her cuteness lightens up a room and makes the day of many people.

My little fluffy girl has been a big help getting me through everything this season.

Back to Castletown Cafe, it may take a while, but I hope one day to return to it. I have all kinds of ideas and things I want to make and practice, and I also hope to create more content in 2024, even doing more live gaming on Twitch. I got a new computer for streaming, but I still need a monitor for it. I wanna have a streaming schedule and everything.

I really appreciate all of you who are still here even though I haven't been able to make many new things or deliver upon hyped ideas. I feel bad about my lack of content this year, though with recent life events I think it's really understandable as to why I haven't been able to churn out much in that regard.

One more thing: I do want to disclose that my ADHD is unmedicated. I can't get medication for it (not with this hell-thcare system) and I don't know what I should take for executive dysfunction. For those of you who made it this far with ADHD, what do you recommend?

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this, especially if you made it all the way to the end here. I know it was a lot, and some of this is REALLY heavy stuff. These are things that we all do go through, however.

Thank you.

~ Mari 🧡

[master-sass-blast]

I HAVE MADE MORE SEVIKA ART!

BEHOLD IT WITH YOUR EYES!!!

Say one word about the ugly curtains and I will do unspeakable things to you sdlkfjsldfjsdlkfjldsfjk.

Close ups and artist commentary beneath the cut!

God, I struggled on this one. I started this piece back in July of this year. It did spend some time sitting while I stared at it in a deep state of ennui, so it's not like I was actively working on it for *counts on fingers* three-ish months.

This is what I get for trying to make a whole fucking scene instead of just drawing a character with no background.

I am pleased with how everything came out, but I still have a lot of frustrations with this piece. A lot of the perspective is off, the floorboards got lost because I noodled with them too much and you can't erase marker, and the rug is just bad sldjfdslkfjldskfjdlskjf. Still, I had fun (mostly) doing it!

A close up of our lady! (The colors got really washed out on my phone, but the warm filter made everything too red, so *shrugs*.) I wanted to stick her in clothes and an environment that was a complete antithesis to her character -soft, feminine, opulent. The baby pink was my first choice, and while I don't regret it, I had second thoughts (after putting the color down, naturally) about picking green instead because of its association with money. I think baby pink, however, was the right choice in the end.

I went with body jewelry like I did for her formal look. However, I stuck with something less opulent this time because I wanted more focus to be on the lingerie and lace. The glove she's wearing was supposed to be sheer -like her stockings-because I thought it was cool, but it didn't translate well on paper, alas.

I was so excited to do her scars, but they got lost/muted in the shading/shadowing under her arm. I tried to use some acrylic paint to boost them up, but they uh... got too boosted sdlkfjdslfkjldskjflskjf.

Arm close up! I hated drawing and detailing this! There's a reason I hid her arm under a cape in the first piece I drew of her!

I didn't want to just draw her "pre-explosion," though, because there's a lot of prosthetic erasure in fandom (in general) already. The highlighted bits were done with metallic gold paint. Also pls appreciate the lil fiddly scenery details I worked very hard on them sdlfkjdslfkjdslfkjdslf.

Materials used: water and alcohol based markers, colored pencils, and acrylic paint for highlights and details.

Lessons learned: spend more time plotting the background before jumping into drawing the character dslfkjdslfkjdslkfj. Also, pick a color palette first.

Tagging @abitohoney and @sevikasleftpussyflap. Also, Professor Flap has requested that I draw something of Sevika spanking a Reader insert. I've never drawn NSFW art, so I don't know if I will, but it did make me think about what y'all would like to see. I can't promise I'll take every suggestion/request, but if you have ideas, feel free to send them my way and I'll see what I can do.

[happyandticklish]

Um, hi. Look, I know by now you're probably annoyed by me always sending you posts from someone else's blog just to ask for your opinions on it (and I apologise 😔) but, something about this in particular hasn't been sitting well with me..

I'm just really confused.

Here: [ ◇ L I N K ◇ ]

I... I'm honestly scared to ask because, I'm not entirely sure if this even applies to you & your content. I mean.. on one hand it seems like it does, because, OP mentioned tickle fic blogs that write fics for fictional characters that are canonically not adults, and.. you and others have written a bunch of fics & headcanons for series involving characters that are minors (usually teens) (ie. MHA, South Park, Camp Camp, Gravity Falls, Heartstopper, etc. etc.). But- it's not like you've written anything in a way that's inappropriate/considered gross or illegal irl, if that's what they're implying. I'm not sure if they're talking specically about characters that are, like, under 10, and writing about the tickling in ways that (they feel) are inappropriate.

And about what the last person that reblogged said.. Do you think they were trying to criticise people in the sfw community who (genuinely) say tickling is a platonic bonding/comfort/hyperfixation/coping mechanism for them, or were they criticising people who use that as an excuse to write inappropriate stuff??

(Because *if* it's the former.. that'll just make me disappointed)

I just don't know what to make of this.. What do you think? (And it's fine if you can't think of and answer but still I'd like for you to post so that maybe someone else who's more knowledgable on this subject can better explain)

I'm sorry for bothering you with this. I promise I am not trying to attack or blame anyone here for anything and I'm not trying to start drama. I just really needed a second opinion on this post because I am.. so fricking dumb, and I'm not sure if what they're talking about should be applied to people like you or the fics you write. I just want to make sure they're not badmouthing anyone who doesn't deserve it.

Honestly anon, this is kind of a complicated issue, and while I understand you’re concerned, I’d prefer not to get involved in this too much. It just ends in people getting mad and not coming to agreements and blowing up about things people said, and I don’t want to deal with that. So I’m gonna say my two cents on the issue, but past that, I don’t really want to talk about it. 

In the end, it’s fictional. Some people have tickling as a kink, others don’t. Some people are just vaguely interested in it, some people think it’s fun, for others it’s a coping mechanism. There’s also those who view it in a sexual manner, and those who view it romantically, but not necessarily sexually. It really depends on the person; you can’t break it down to it either is or isn’t a kink. 

For instance, a lot of people draw art of the MHA characters kissing or cuddling or making out or a million other things, and 99% of the people making that art either aren’t minors, or on the cusp of not being them. And yet, the world thinks that’s fine, despite all of that being either romantic or sexual behavior. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN THEY’RE SEXUALIZING MINORS IRL. Or that they view minors in a sexual light. 

However, the fact of the manner is, sexual maturity (on a purely physical level) finishes when you’re around 12-15. That’s also around the age people first start getting those urges. You don’t turn 18 and suddenly gain your sexuality for the first time. Even if you abstain from sex (which I highly recommend) until you’re older, you still experience that same desire, you just have the common sense to wait. Minors are exposed to sexuality all the time through media, the internet, their peers, their parents who obviously boinked to even have them. We can try all we want to shield them, but they still see it. And sometimes, people engage in that activity before they’re 18. I’m not gonna determine whether you should wait till you’re 18, whether it’s okay at 16-17, or maybe we should all wait till 26 till our brains finish developing. Regardless, it happens. 

And we know that. We advertise it on TV shows, in books, things like Love, Simon, Aristotle & Dante Discover The Secrets of The Universe, Riverdale, Heartstopper (in the comics, and only really implied), Heathers, Never Have I Ever, even fucking Beastars (which no one cares about, because people are more weirded out that animals are fucking as opposed to minors). It’s encouraged in those shows and seen as normal. That is all content the world sees as fine, and child appropriate. The characters in MHA would probably end up having sex before they’re of age, because that’s just what people do and what the show seemed to ramp up to. MHA itself sexualizes practically all the students in the show, all of whom are minors. 

And on that note, a lot of people on this site are anywhere around 18-22, which is a weird gap of time to be in in terms of all this stuff. If you’re 18, technically, simping for Todoroki would be considered simping for a minor. If you’re 17, it’s A-OK. And yet, it’s only a 1 year difference that somehow makes or breaks that situation. A lot of people on here made content for minors when they were minors, and then grew up, but still had the content lying around. That doesn’t automatically make them pedophiles, and we should not put that on them. Nor should we insist they delete all that material now that they’re older. 

There are also people who can view tickling as both sexual and not sexual, depending on the circumstance, which is something a lot of people on here don’t understand. Just because tickling might be a kink for you, that doesn’t mean that’s the only lense you can view it under. 

And all of that notwithstanding, everyone is fictional. No one’s committing a crime, everything’s perfectly legal, so let’s just let it go. Who cares whether you personally object to that? It’s not your business to butt into their business. Let people live their lives, and you do the same. If you have a problem with it, block them, unfollow them, don’t interact, fine, but don’t be a dick. It doesn’t solve anything, and only makes things more convoluted than they need to be.

None of this is directed at you, anon, btw!! This is just my opinion on the subject, so I hope that clarifies. I don’t know if it’s the answer you’re looking for, but it’s what I got, so I hope it helps!

[dashawfrostart]

This Week In "Time & Again" #3: Gettin' Technical... Again?! And A Little Cynical

Hello again! I must admit... My weekly blog posting schedule has slightly shifted - first, because I posted the Halloween poster a.k.a. The First Teaser a bit later due to the creepy holiday itself, and second - because a bunch of life stuff is happening (yup, don't underestimate me, I do have a life outside artworks! 🤣). Usually everything has been fairly straightforward and gradual in my life, but there's a bit of certain activity going on in it right now, more than usual. And potentially also non-artistic side projects in my life. Because of that, I didn't get a chance to draw as much as I anticipated to during this week (already last week?! wowie!!!.. time flies, indeed!). But nevertheless, I tried my very best to go ahead with "Time & Again", for this is a project of the greatest importance to me. Slower or faster it's reaching its "well done" state - it doesn't matter. As you know, I'm not big on time limits 😁 At this point of time, the product is still very undercooked, so I'll be cooking it until done (even though I absolutely can't stand it when the packages say "cook until done"... because would you PLEASE be more vague?🤣).

To my surprise, I do not have an awful lot to say today. One might even say I'm ruining the format, for the previous posts I made had quite a (relatively) high word count. That said though - and some people close to me know this very well - every time I say I don't have much to say I end up writing twice or thrice as normal. Which leads us to conclusion that, perhaps, I actually do have things to say?!.. Either way, I'm sure you're not yet tired of me rumbling on and on about strange things that only some people - primarily digital artists - understand... Namely my habits of work. I am sure quite methodical in the way I draw, perhaps oddly. So I'll continue being technical for a while, until I run out of techy topics to talk about. And when I do... then I'll just spam more pictures 😁

However... A small demonstration of progress would be good for a wee little "teaser" of sorts:

(Note the layer names. I often make typos when I rename the layers - and I just don't bother and leave them as is, because it doesn't really matter. Pains me as a languages and grammar nerd, of course, but also entertains me a bit 🤣 Also, the cigarette smoke has been drawn on a separate layer as well, and it humorously states how I feel about this particular habit of this charming dirtymouth individual. Eeeew, Lothar. Not cool.) I do not always do that, but sometimes I start off drawing the outlines of the characters' bodies and end up "wrapping" clothes around them afterwards, like on the screenshots above. I think the reason why I completed the work on Chapter 3 so unbelievably fast last year was due to the fact that on majority of the frames Lothar appeared topless... Because I've noticed that when the characters don't have much clothes on them, it takes significantly less time to draw them. But of course!.. In this case you don't have to draw every single fold and wrinkle on shirts and skirts, extra seams on jeans, or additional stylish detail on any piece of garment that looks far too plain without it... Drawing characters naked - or half-naked - sure saves an artist a TREMENDOUS amount of time and effort. ... I suspect this is also the reason why in a lot of modern comics and mangas - and animated shows, too - the artists tend to include a lot of nudity in their projects... Why yes, isn't it obvious?! Because who, pray tell, wants to spend extra hours drawing all the clothes anyway?! Come on, clothes are overrated! I'm sure of it now.

... That was plenty enough of cynicism and sarcasm for a single post, I guess. Alas! I'm rumbling, again! That was not planned by me! So let's move on to the main part of this post now! Finally, on to the techy stuff, as promised! Yum! 🤤

First of all, I would like to mention a very important change in the way I work on my graphic novel now. One fine day, not long ago, I have discovered something... that turned my digital artist's world upside down. And the name of the phenomena that shattered my whole life was... Krita's weighted smoothing for the brush. (ok, ok... that sounded very exaggerated and pompous. But oh well!)

The screenshot on the left shows the brush settings I used all the time prior to Chapter 5. I used amazing Krita's Stabilizer smoothing, because I found it quite useful back in the day as I only started to use my Huion graphic monitor. I was so fascinated with it... It truly felt magical after a few years of using "a blind", screenless Wacom drawing tablet (which I will never ever go back to, for, to be honest, I have no idea how I was able to draw anything 🤣... tried using it a couple years ago just to see the difference, and I ended up exclaiming, "How in the ❤❤❤❤ do you even draw on this thing?!", and I set it aside for good... to collect real thicc layers of dust on the shelf 🤣). The right screenshot depicts the current settings I use for the weighted smoothing. Those are the Krita defaults.

An unskilled eye would probably not even notice any remarkable difference between the two as they watch somebody drawing in real time - or if they compare my older works versus the very latest ones. I must admit, the difference is sure very subtle. But to me, there's enough of a difference in how it FEELS when I'm drawing. The lines turn out better overall, somehow it makes me feel as if I'm drawing on paper rather than on a slippery screen. I could say, to me weighted smoothing imitates pencil drawing on paper very well. Which ultimately means... it's easier to draw in general. Thus, the digital artworks look more like my regular artworks on paper. It makes me happy that I can just be me when I'm drawing on both paper and on the graphic monitor. Back in the day, I was very worried about how switching to digital format was gonna impact my peculiar art style. Turns out it hardly does. ... Not that drawing on a graphic monitor has ever been challenging to me, for I learnt pretty fast, and yet, at times something felt a little off. So right now, I ponder, there's gonna be much less "off" and much more "awesome". Which is indeed lovely.

Now I question myself on why I've never used this brush smoothing before, for I truly think it would've made the process of work much faster and the final result a tad nicer. This proves that one needs a perspective, a few types of materials to compare before springing to any sort of conclusions. Seems like back in the day weighted smoothing simply didn't get enough attention and any sufficient "test drive" from me. But I am very happy I discovered this wonderful thing now. And I'm gonna stick to it - quite possibly forever from now on, as I will keep working on the rest of "Time & Again" chapters as well as everything else including random little arts with the other characters that I love to sporadically work on every so often, and the pieces for my online greeting cards store, and such.

... Like I already mentioned in the beginning of this post, as I write - I might get seriously carried away. And I see this post keeps growing bigger and bigger in size, again, so I should better wrap it up and save a little more exciting information for the next post (that I will hopefully try to schedule properly in order to restore more or less consistent posting timeframe, for now it's aaaaaall over the place!.. no promises tho).

I'm afraid, no animated gifs today. But for a nice goodbye, I'll drop a little "teaser" picture - a very rough sketch for some other "Time & Again" artwork that I'm going to finish up shortly (hopefully).

You will most likely see the end result of this particular artistic torment as a layout element on my social pages.

And for now - doooooodly doot doot! - I wave goodbye and leave the online world for a while to keep working on my obsession... and to eat some peanut butter, too, of course. See ya next time! 👋

[stephspeakseasy]

I'm trying so hard not to scream at the top of my lungs, and yet I'm almost positive that if I did, I might feel better. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety at age 16. I will be 32 this year. Over the years, I have dedicated much time to self-improvement and personal development. I wanted to help myself any way I could. I learned how to meditate and came to understand that healing is a journey and not a destination. I am proud to say that I have grown internally in such a way that I no longer suffer from depression as before, and I haven't for a few years. Not in the way I used to, anyway. I might have an episode every now and again, but it's situational, not chronic. If I'm feeling blue, there is a reason now and I'm thankful for that growth. My anxiety, however, has progressively gotten worse over the years. It has officially earned the chronic title. I know that I'm still in the postpartum stage. I know that being a new mom warranted a new level of anxiety, like it does for all moms. I know that I have to take it easy on myself, and at the same time, I know that I am my own worst critic. My self-critical voice very rarely shuts the hell up. I know that I am trying my absolute best to be the best I can be in every aspect of life. I know that I am a great mother simply because I'm giving it my best shot 24/7 365. There are some aspects of my situation that I know will get better with time, though I can't say that things don't happen overnight because I have seen otherwise. I know that I can't expect that kind of miraculous overnight progression to be consistent. That is not the reality of life. Most things take time. As a full time single mother, unemployed and currently without a vehicle, to say I'm stressed is a major understatement. I'm not stressed, I'm freaking the fuck out sis. Period. With that being said, let me go ahead and list what has been helping me deal with this pressure. Positive reinforcement is a must-have, must do necessity. My hope is that anyone who reads this post and can relate will find some hope in the fact that you are not alone in your suffering. I feel you. I get it. It's okay. We're going to make it, baby, I promise. Like our favorite cartoon fish Dory says, “Just keep swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim." I encourage you to also make a list It does not have to be long, it just has to be real. Honest. Here is mine: 1. My loving family, especially my younger brother and my dad. They have been helping me so much. 2. breathing deep, in through my nose and out through my mouth. I do it for as long as I need to until I start feeling better. 3. expression. Writing is literally one of the biggest blessings of my life because on so many levels it's therapeutic to me, and I hope it's that way for those who read my content as well. Not a writer? Draw, paint, journal, dance, or…stick your face in that pillow and scream, babe! 4. Prayer. I talk to the ultimate power of the universe on a regular basis. Sometimes, just speaking to God is enough to calm my nerves, and give me a glimpse of hope that goes beyond my current situation. 5. Drinking more water and being more physically active. Going for a brisk walk when super overwhelmed is one of my first go-to options for stress management. 6. Asking for help when I really need it. This one took me the longest to learn, but when you have at least one person in your life who is willing to help you just because they care for you, let them help. I promise, it's worth it. Thank you for reading the content of my heart and brain. Remember, you are loved. You deserve great things. The sun still shines behind the rain clouds. You are not alone. Love always, Steph

[jointimeandspace]

This story was based on such a beautiful drawing by JvdB_art on Twitter. Source at the end.

You Have Me Forever

Three weeks was how long it had been since you went into a coma. Three quiet, painful weeks. Alcina missed your laughter, your feet pattering on the carpet, and the way you'd scream with joy when you were playing with her girls. The only sounds coming from the castle was the rain hitting the window panes; the large stacks of firewood crackling in the hearth. Alcina felt guilty, something that hasn't happened to her in a long time.

She sat at the large bay window that was in her room looking out at the village below. She hadn't eaten. Her pale skin was more cracked than it had usually been and a constant flow of tears wouldn't stop running from her eyes. "Why does everything have to be so difficult?" she said to herself. She looked over to you on her bed. No sign of movement from you yet. She leaned back on the wall with an exasperated sigh. She'd give anything for you to wake up. With Alcina's large size, it usually came with a few problems. One night, when you and her were making love, she drank from you. "Not a terrible way to go out," you always thought, and you had already done it many times before. However, Alcina took a bit much than she normally had and you passed out. She expected you to wake up after a couple of hours of night's sleep; when you didn't come down for breakfast or lunch that next day, panic set in. Nothing would stir you so she sent for Mother Miranda. She was relieved when Miranda said you were still alive, but she didn't know how long it would be until you woke up. Upon her inspection and running tests, she found out you had diabetes. During your activities, you sugar became low. You hadn't told Alcina, which was a foolish gesture on your part; you had been showing signs of low sugar but chose to ignore them.

Alcina stared into the fire as her memories went back to those first 3 days prior to the incident. Everytime she tried to forget, the memory came back stronger and more vivid than ever.

"Did you know about this Alcina? It's not like you to be so careless with your...pets."

"No, most reverent Mother. I didn't! Why she didn't tell me I don't know."

Alcina at the time did not know (and after all, how could she), that while in your coma, you un(f)ortunately could still here everything. You wanted to spring from the bed and protect your mistress, but you were helpless.

"Hmm!"

Mother Miranda turned back to you and walked toward your side of the bed. You couldn't see, but you could hear the condescending tone in her voice, and only imagined that a mix of malice and amusement ran across her face. She had Alcina under her thumb. Miranda knew all the right and wrong ways to push her buttons, and Alcina knew this, especially when it came to people she loved.

"Oh, Alcina! I'm so disappointed! You should've know what disease ailed her when you drank from her for the first time. Or have your senses started to fail you? Maybe I need to run a few more tests on you; get you back to tip-top shape. I can't let my favorite child falter, now can I? You'll let me know if her condition worsens."

Alcina took in a shuddering breath, trying to compose herself. She dared herself to not look weak in front of Miranda.

"Of course, Mother. Thank you!"

With that, Miranda shut the door and you two were alone again. She waited until the front door closed, and then she fell to her knees and wept. To hear her crying and not being able to move to comfort her was terrifying and heartbreaking. You were determined to make it through no matter what.

"Mama?"

Alcina came out of her daydream when Daniela appeared with a bottle of Sanguine Virginis in hand.

"Mama? Please eat! You don't want to get sick....you'll start turning."

Alcina looked back out the window. With a flick of her wrist, she signaled Daniela to set the bottle down. Daniela, always the intuitive one, went to sit beside her.

"Mama, it's not your fault. Certain ailments are hard to pick up sometimes. You'd have to have the same type of blood over and over again for at least a few years before you figure out which ailment is which. We've had so many types that even I can't differentiate plain from diseased. Staleness, though... we can always tell for sure," she chuckled. "Don't beat yourself up."

Alcina brought her hand to Daniela's cheek. Her baby was always there to comfort her whenever she needed. No wonder she took an interest in you. You always reminded her so much of Daniela.

"Thank you, darling! Go be with your sisters. I think they're looking for you."

Daniela nodded as she gave her mama a kiss and then disappeared in a smattering of flies. Alcina got up and moved to the bed so she could be near to you; she distanced herself for too long.

You looked liked Sleeping Beauty to her, waiting to be kissed. She got down on her knees to have a better look at you and took your hand.

"Oh, draga mea, why didn't you tell me? I would've been so careful."

You felt her kiss your hand- that was new! You couldn't feel any touch for awhile. Now, it felt like your entire body loosening up as if you were being thawed out. You slowly moved your toes and could feel the sheets hitting them. Your body was waking up. You were about to try to speak, but Alcina's voice rang out once more.

"Please, draga! Come back to me. I'll never be so careless again. Mother is right! I should've known, as long as I've been drinking blood. I always push, and push others until I break them. I told myself I'd be careful with you, and now here I am, praying for you to wake." Alcina sobbed, "I love you so much and don't want to lose you!"

She laid her head down on your arm as you felt the tears run down your fingers. Before you knew it, you opened your eyes and looked around the room. It was dark except for the fireplace. You rotated your head a bit and lifted your right arm. You felt stiff and tired, but you were determined to touch her- to comfort her. You looked down at Alcina, whispering silent prayers in your hand. To see her so soft, so vulnerable, and scared, was enough to shatter your soul. You reached over and ran your fingers through her hair. She stopped and looked at you, the light returning to her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere! You have me forever. And I promise, none of this was your fault. I should have told you, but I didn't want to burden you with my issues. They've always been manageable, but I guess I should've listened to my body before we started that night. I neglected to take care of myself. Plus, I didn't tell you because I was afraid you wouldn't want me anymore; that I wasn't clean enough..."

Alcina silenced you with a deep kiss. How you missed her touch, her eyes, the pleasure that you two shared together. She kissed your face, your neck, hands and fingers. She was so happy to have her darling back. She brought your hand up to her face once more, kissing it and breathing in your sent. "Thank you, sweetheart," she said.

"Thank you for coming back to me. You too, shall always have me forever. And never, will I ever, not want you. You'll always be divine to me. My most precious little one."

[writingsfromstarfleet]

Leonard McCoy - Guilt

♫ - Mars - Sleeping At Last

For @space-cowboy2227, I hope you enjoy and this is what you wanted! You lot as always, thank you for reading! Hugs! ♡

TW/CW: Survivors guilt and PTSD are running themes, if these make you uncomfortable then please skip this one! 

Vulcan had been your home for some while, though you were not Vulcan yourself. Your studies had granted you time on many different planets, there to study the way their society worked and culture as a whole. Though, despite your time on other planets, there was just something about Vulcan that drew you to stay. Once your studies were complete, you returned and had resided there since. Two years later and you had remained.

There was something about Vulcan that kept you there. So much about it was beautiful. The colours of the planet were all sorts reds, greens and browns. The natural environment was made up of jutted rock formations, most of its surface covered in large deserts and mountain ranges. Bodies of water and rivers broke up the land. Your favourite parts of the landscapes were the volcanoes, some active and some not, alongside the ancient ruins and lava fields.

These were all things you were forced to remember about the planet you had come to call your home. Distant memories were all you had left.

Fire and death had replaced every good thought you had about Vulcan. Needless bloodshed all for the sake of revenge. A less than understandable motivation, more so now than ever. You were there the day it happened, the day Nero had drilled into the surface all in the name of vengeance. People died around you, in front of you, Vulcans and non-Vulcans alike. You were told fewer than ten thousand people on Vulcan had survived; most of those you'd held dear were dead. Images of that day flashed through your mind each day, unable to escape the thoughts.

You had ended up aboard the Enterprise, a Federation starship sent by Starfleet in an attempt to help Vulcan stop Nero's attack. They did, they managed to destroy his own ship, the Narada, but just a little too late. The ship's doctor, a man named Leonard McCoy, was the man to treat your injuries.

"There, you'll be fine," his voice was low, not unkind. You failed to say anything, you hadn't since you got into sickbay, and the doctor was rather worried. "Are you alright, Y/N? I mean, I can understand you bein' quiet and all, but are you alright?"

His voice pulled you from your thoughts, and you feigned a smile at him.

"I am, thank you, Doctor."

"Yeah, you look it," he raised an eyebrow. In a sincere voice, Leonard spoke again. "I'm a doctor, not a psychic, but I can absolutely see you ain't alright. I'm here if you need anything, just come on in and I'll help you with what you need."

Each night was a struggle to fall asleep, to even get any form of relaxation; memories and recollections plagued your waking thoughts, and your subconscious was no better. You were unmotivated to do anything, barely leaving your quarters unless you had to. Feelings of sickness and isolation overwhelmed you at times.

The gravity of Leonard's words didn't hit you until your worst night. Waking up with a start, you were in tears, and decided to take the doctor up on his offer.

Making your way from your guest quarters, you navigated the ship as best you could, still a little unsure of what was where; you hadn't seen a ship the size of the Enterprise before, she was beautiful. You only wish you had been aboard for better, happier reasons. Eventually, you found yourself at the doors to sickbay, hoping Leonard was still in there. In your scared state, you failed to acknowledge that these were indeed sleeping hours.

Opening the door, you slowly padded in to see a small light in the office, making your way over with a light foot. Knocking, you waited for any answer from inside.

"Come in." A gruff, tired voice sounded, and you did so.

The door opened to reveal the handsome doctor, hunched over his desk with a dim light above him illuminating the room and setting a rather pensive mood. A pair of shining eyes made their way up to your own, eyeing you with a curiosity; Leonard most certainly wasn't used to visitors at such an hour.

"Oh," he realised he hadn't spoke, so he stood and motioned for you to enter, inviting you in. "Please. What can I do for you?"

As you stepped in, you sat on the chair that was free and now in the light, Leonard could see your tear stained face, eyes red and puffy. He looked down apologetically, kneeling down in front of you.

"I- I-" you stuttered, unable to get your sentence out for fear of your voice breaking. Luckily, Leonard interrupted you, saving both an awkward sentence and an uncomfortable silence.

"I know, I understand."

"It was horrible, doctor. I can't put it out of mind, every time I close my eyes all I can see is the destruction. I feel so guilty, Leonard, there were people I knew, people I cared about, that didn't survive. I lost everybody, and still I managed to survive. A part of me thinks I shouldn't have..."

Your string of words had fallen off its trail as Leonard placed a hand on your shoulder, noticing the silent tears that began to fall down your cheeks once more.

"You absolutely should be here, Y/N. Please, don't ever think that you shouldn't be. Survivor's guilt is not uncommon, especially when someone's gone through what you have. It makes you no less worthy to be here. We'll get through it though, right? Together."

You looked up from your lap and stopped twiddling your thumbs. Seeing Leonard give you a small smile, you nodded, albeit a little half-heartedly.

"Is there any getting through this?" Your words were whispered, and he frowned slightly, not liking seeing you upset. He brought his hand from your shoulder and took one of your own in his. The other came to rest on your knee.

"Yes, there is. It will take time, and a lot of patience, but you can do it. Hell, we can do it. I'll work with you for as long as it takes. There's steps for things like this, and I'm gonna make a promise to you now, that you'll be alright in the end. Fully healed and moved on? Perhaps not. But better and healthier? Certainly. You don't deserve this; none of you do."

Leonard had moved his eyes from yours and instead was looking at the hand he held in his. You looked at his face, and in the light, you could see how he felt. He was upset himself, almost pained, and you instinctively took his other hand.

"Are you alright, doctor? You yourself seem... a little down" you asked softly.

"I uh, I'll share something with you. I have a.. a friend," he began, still not looking up at you. "He's a Vulcan, and he works on this ship. He's just lost his mother. Now, we fight tooth and nail and we never agree on nothin', but I still don't want to see him the way he is. He's struggling, as much as a Vulcan will let on, but he refuses help, citing his own peoples traditions as coping mechanisms instead. So, if I can't help him then I'm damn well gonna help everyone else."

As he spoke, you could see in each word that he was serious. Very serious. You placed a hand on his cheek, drawing his head up to you. Your eyes were watery, and so were his. Leonard looked at you just as you had him when you first arrived. Bringing him forward, you wrapped your arms around his neck and held him close.

"I swear," he said quietly. "I swear I'll help you be alright."

Pulling yourself back, you looked him dead in the eye, eyes still brimming with tears as you let your emotions free. Cupping his face, you wiped some of the stray tears that fell down Leonard's face too, a side of himself he rarely chose to show. In the face of such tragedy, however, it was hard not to. Taking comfort in each other, you whispered your reply.

"Thank you."

You stayed with Leonard in his office that night, sitting whilst he worked, both of you taking solace in the other's presence. From that day on, you vowed to work on recovery, knowing that with Leonard's support, you could accomplish anything.

[that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick]

Rated G for Gosh Dang Near Everyone except people who don't like hurt/comfort sickfics

Word count: 1373

Summary: Winry insists on getting her covid shot as soon as Central offers it. Ed worries for her, even though she's fine. Until she's not.

A/N: written for @darkpersonapeace several days ago when she was recovering from her covid shot day-after yuckiness. Disclaimer though, I am not a medical professional, nor is this meant to be a realistic depiction of the typical side effects of the COVID-19 vaccine. This scenario is simply based on what my roommate experienced, and my side effects were far tamer. Let's kick covid in the butt, guys!

When the first COVID-19 vaccines made their way to Central City, Ed knew that Winry would want to be one of the first in line. Because that's how she was, after all. She always prioritized the needs and safety of others over the possible risks to her own well-being, especially when her automail patients were involved. It was one of the many reasons he'd married her.

However, Edward worried that she might develop some of the more drastic side effects, so he decided to accompany Winry on the train ride from Rush Valley to Central. After all, who knew what could happen if she was on her own, stranded hours away from help?

"Now, Winry, you know you can change your mind at any time, right? I'm not going to try to steer you away from this if it's what you're set on, but you know your patients and I would still respect your decision if you wanted to wait to make sure the vaccine doesn't cause any long-term damage to you, right?"

"Edward Rockbell," she frowned with her hands on her hips, doing nothing to diminish his pride in the name, "I could care less about some hypothetical damage if I even have half a chance at keeping my patients healthy and you know it. And besides, you never had such a high opinion of possible damage when you were involved." She raised an eyebrow.

"When I was involved, sure, but never when it was you, gearhead," he said softly, pulling her in for a hug. His hand held her head and ran down the length of her hair.

"Well, I'm doing it, Ed," Winry said into his shoulder. "Like it or not, I'm trying to protect you, too, even if I have to wait hours in line to do it."

"I could barely figure out what the heck you said between the mask and my shoulder, but with the way the line's going, I don't think you're gonna have to wait very long."

"Hm, I guess not."

"Now, I've researched this. You know you have to stay in the monitoring area for fifteen minutes afterwards, right? You know to stretch your arm so it doesn't get so sore, right? You know to keep your vaccination card…"

*****

Much to Edward's relief, Winry showed no signs of any negative side effects. They went out to dinner (unfortunately, at one of the restaurants the Colonel had recommended), and the train ride back to Rush Valley would have been almost boring if Ed hadn't entertained a child by drawing a transmutation circle that made a loud, garish toy when the child activated it.

And then they got in the car.

Winry cranked the car and made a stop at the nearest gas station while they took turns going to the bathroom. Two minutes down the road, however, the blood began to drain from Winry's face.

"Winry, are you doing alright?"

"I'm fine, Ed. It's not like I can't drive or anything." Several seconds later, Ed spoke again.

"Are you sure? Because you look like you're about to throw up."

"I'm—" she blanched.

"Winry Rockbell, pull over or I'll pull over for you!"

Thankfully, she obeyed and put the car in park.

"Now, don't move. I'll come around and get you."

"Ed, I'm not that bad."

He opened her door and pulled her out. "Get some fresh air, Winry. I'm gonna help you to the passenger's side, okay? This is why I came with you."

"I don't need—" she stumbled, cutting off the rest of her sentence.

"You were saying?" Ed chuckled after catching her with the arm that was already around her.

"Oh, just drop me in the car, will you?"

Fortunately, it was only a half hour drive to the other side of the city, but Ed feared that Winry's condition might worsen drastically in even that short a time frame.

First, he noticed her breaths get shorter and faster.

"Winry, do you need me to roll the window down? I'd help you on your side if I could."

"Y-yeah, maybe."

A few minutes later, he heard her whimpering quietly. He laid a comforting hand on her thigh. "What's happening? Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know. I should have known this would happen. Even a normal flu shot wipes me out the whole next day, plus I hear it's worse if you've had covid before, and who knows, maybe I did, and—" he squeezed her leg, and she added in a small voice, "Maybe you could hold my hand?"

"Of course I'll hold your hand, hon," he smiled for her sake, adding under his breath, "and maybe speed a bit so we can get you home faster."

A few more minutes, and her whimpers grew louder. Winry's hand gripped his like a lifeline.

"Ed, I can't do this," she panted.

"You're so freaking strong, Winry. Just hold on a little longer. Squeeze my hand as tight as you want."

Her bone-crushing grip renewed his sense of urgency.

"Help me," she pleaded.

"What can I do, baby?"

"Help me," she echoed. "It hurts. It hurts so much."

"I'm getting you home as fast as I can. You're amazing, Winry."

She only moaned in response.

"I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die," she wept.

"Shh, I love you too much for that. You're my wife. You're my strong, brilliant, amazing wife, and I'd give up my entire body before I'd let you die. You hear me?"

"Mhm."

"Hey, do you remember when I said your hands are meant to give life?"

"Mhm."

"Well, keep holding my hand so that my hand give you life. We're so close. Just hang in there."

"I still wanna die," she sniffed.

"I'm gonna do what I can, okay, baby?"

Ed did his best to keep his hands from trembling. He had to stay strong for Winry. But what if this was a rare side effect? What if she actually was dying? No. No. It was just a vaccine. It'd be ridiculous if she was actually dying, but it didn't keep him from wondering if she needed to see a doctor. But please, he prayed to any deity that would listen, please let me do something for Winry.

So he sang. He sang her the lullabies of Trisha Elric. He sang her the old, cheesy love songs she had a soft spot for. When he ran out of those, he sang an oddly gentle version of some pop punk songs he listened to. He sang anything he could think of, from classic musicals to popular songs that Winry danced to, even if he thought they were trash.

Although her moans and whimpers didn't grow any quieter, she mewled, "You sing really pretty, Ed. Why don't you do it more?"

"If you make it through this, I'll sing for you whenever you want, Mrs. Rockbell. What song do you want next? We're almost home, and then you can lie down and I'll get you whatever you want. Does that sound okay?" He pressed a kiss to her hand, keeping his eyes on the road. He'd probably regret his promises to sing, but right then, he couldn't care less.

Ed took her song request and parked in front of their home shortly after. Walking over to the passenger side, he carefully pulled Winry out and carried her up the stairs past her shop to their apartment above it. She curled into his chest until he laid her on their bed.

"Equivalent exchange," he kissed her burning forehead. "You've taken care of me when you and Granny had to give me life-saving surgery after I lost my arm and leg. Now I get to look after you when you need me."

Winry smacked him weakly. "Alchemy freak."

"Gearhead," he laughed softly. "Try to sleep, if you can. I'll be right here the whole time if you need my hand again. Just tell me if you need anything, and I'll get it."

She smiled, then crumpled with a moan. After several seconds, she turned her head to look at Edward.

"Even if I want a purple polka dotted hippopotamus?"

Ed laughed. "Even if you want a purple polka dotted hippopotamus."

[dangan-happy]

Give me back my glitter, Monomi! - (TW: Relationships/SelfH??) Hello again, could I speak with Kokichi, Hajime, and Nagito if possible. Uh I just,, had a breakup happen and it's hitting really hard right now I loved this person a lot and i'm having trouble coping. I'm having trouble being alone and can't even be off call with friends without my brain going in a loop. I haven't been eating/drinking properly either due to being nervous/heart broken and unmotivated. I also keep having nightmares.

I-I really do hate to hear about this. Break-ups are... heh, no matter what movies or any form of media show, they’re never as easy to deal with as they make them out to be. They’re always a slap to the face, no matter what, with some slapping harder than others. I truly am sorry, but I know you want to hear more than just that, so I’ll do my best to give you what you really need to hear instead.

Mind if I give you some advice? I may be some average Reserve Course student, but I still have some to give out. I can understand you having trouble with staying alone without having your mind beginning to spiral. As such, whenever you’re not talking to someone, I would suggest trying to do something that’s relaxing, but also something that’ll occupy your mind. A few things that come to mind are reading, listening to music, watching a TV show or movie, or even cleaning. Okay, that last one sounds boring, I know, b-but listening to music while cleaning makes it all better, so don’t take it off the table just yet!

Anyway, moving on. In terms of not drinking or eating properly, th-that’s worrying, so we should definitely focus on that and fix that, too. I know someone who keeps a bottle of water and a snack bag right at their bedside for when they’re too unmotivated or depressed, so maybe give that a shot? That way, if you feel as though you can’t even get out of bed, you can simply reach over and grab your water bottle or snack bag. It doesn’t have to be a super healthy snack, but it should be something decent, like Goldfish cracker or something, y’know? It would be a step in the right direction, at least.

And as for nightmares, reading or doing something relaxing like that before going to sleep might help you, well, relax. But it might also help influence your dreams, even if only by a little bit. But hey, try listening to calm music or background noise, like those ten-hour videos that just consists of rain sounds or forest sounds. Of course, it doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s worth a shot!

Still, all of this sounds so despairful; I can’t imagine how it must feel to have to currently deal with this much despair. Still, no matter the kind or severity or amount or anything, you can and will beat this despair. I have hope in you, and I have hope that in due time, you’ll get through this and win this battle against despair. There’s going to be all kinds of downs, and you might hit a roadblock or two, but by the end of the day, you’ll get through this. I just know it! I’ll cut through your despair and show you the truth of this case, no matter what it takes!

I-I know you didn’t ask for one, but if you want a hug, I-I can give you one. U-Unless you don’t want one or anything, th-then fine, I won’t give you one! But if you do want one, th-then get over here, so that way I can just go ahead and give you one. I-I hope you continue to not give in to this despair, and please do your best to take care of yourself, o-okay?

Yay! Corgi you're back! I mean, not yay because you're going through some not fun stuff right now, but like I'm happy to see you again if that makes you feel better? Yeah, I really don't know what I'm doing on an ask blog. Aaaaanyways, ok, I'm guessing this is a continuation of the last ask you sent in, and oh god, I'm really sorry. Again, I can't make jokes about that, because break ups just really really suck, and like I don't think I can say anything that'll make you feel better, but I'll try my best ok? Full disclosure, you're not obligated to be ok any time soon. This is like, a really emotional thing, and you don't have to hurry up and get better, it's ok if you're less than ok for a while. Yeah, it's gonna hit hard for a bit, and I think that's just life. Yikes did that come out harsh? I meant to say that you might have to feel the emotion a little bit. From what I've seen, the thing that'll help you feel better the most is time. It doesn't feel like it right now, but every day it'll hurt just a little bit less, and that'll continue until the pain is gone.

 I would try to be around people as much as possible when you can if that helps you, but when you're more alone, I'd play loud music, or like a tv show in the background just to fill the void with human voices or something. You could hang out in the same room as your family, or grab a pet to vibe with you if you have one. 

Yeah, I think the last part is the biggest concern as of now. Eating and drinking are like, kind of required to stay alive, so in my humble opinion, I think that's something to focus on so we can get that back on track. The first thought I have is that you should set a timer and try to eat at the same time every day. This way you can kinda train your body to be used to eating at those times, so you can make sure you actually eat. Like, I'm sure you feel like doing anything other than eating, but you gotta make sure you get some sustenance ok? As for the nightmares, I think those will fade with time too. A lot of this aside from the eating thing is playing the waiting game, and that totally sucks. The only other suggestion I have for you is that you should spend time distracting yourself or doing comfort activities to get you through the days until you're at a place where you can face the emotions and start moving on. I know, easier said than done, but you can do it. Take it slow ok? It's gonna hurt, but you're gonna heal. I promise.

Not to sound rude.... but I feel as if I’m the only one here whose actually been in a relationship! Even though if it wasn’t meant to be, hehe. Sadly Anon, I know this feeling all too well. The Desparing feeling of loneliness, as if you’ll never find another like them... hehe. Sorry to get so gloomy. It’s just... break ups are so full of Despair, it makes me feel ill. I’ve had my heartbroken once... never again... unless, well; if my luck comes into play somehow.

Anon if I may. I know that feeling all to well of feeling lonely once after going through something like this. I’d recommend feeling that little void with entertainment. Perhaps video games, books, drawing. Whatever helps you relax and feel happy. Hanging out with your friends is also good as well, however you’re going to have to get used to that lonely feeling; it sounds terrible, but you don’t want to grow too dependent on having your friends around to fill this void.

You must eat as well. Food can help lift your mood a lot. Feeling unmotivated may also be tied into your eating habit. Try eating anything at least, even if it’s something small. You can’t heal if you aren’t taking care of yourself... I want to see you happy and healthy Anon. Taking care of yourself is the first step of getting better and through this Despairing experience.

[thesagedahlia]

💔 Apryl Jones & Lil Fizz: The Re-Up💔

Gone for a minute, now we back with the jumpoff...no, I'm not talking about Apryl 👩🏾‍🦲☻

When my prediction of their break-up came to past, I wasn't as excited of my skill, as I was indifferent about the loss of this "relationshituation". I pulled cards the day it was announced as well, & I keep getting the tower card (for those that don't know, the tower is faulty foundations that come crashing down, or even self realizations, & a lot of the time is triggered by the powers that be), so I felt they were done-zo, like not for 'play play'. I also picked up on her deflecting the relationship & downplaying what really happened (like, I can't get the tower multiple times & NOT think there was more to the situation). My interest was dying down however, so I almost didn't do this whole project. Thanks to a tip from one of my followers, who spotted Apryl & Fizz together & speculated that she was with child, my 'nosey' nose started itching. Come to find out, it seems their 'paradise' blew up right in their faces, & it was in ways that I both did & didn't expect...

By the way, they still unfollow each other till this day 💅🏾

**DISCLAIMER**

I am not declaring, nor am I insinuating, that anything I say in my predictions are true accounts of any of the parties involved. This reading is for entertainment purposes only, & should only taken as such. All in good fun, folks 🤷🏾‍♀️🧿

💔The state of Apryl & Fizz's relationship energetically❔

I feel like their break-up was triggered by some reckless or careless behavior out of boredom or lack of fun. I feel like one or both people started to become discontent & dissatisfied within the relationship. Undelivered promises may have caused some loneliness as well, which is pointing to a possible infidelity. Their foundation wasn't as strong as they made it seem to be, & if feels like Apryl was who created issues outside of the equation. I also have reason to believe whoever she 'slept with' (if she did) led to a pregnancy scare/unwanted pregnancy. I feel like there was confusion as to who fathered the child. I feel like there was a separation to were Apryl probably didn't tell this everything, or she did & it wasn't believed. It feels like there is a complete lack of clarity or illumination regarding this possible pregnancy scare. I also feel like if Apryl was pregnant, she may have had fertility issues or as she may have contemplated an abortion or went through with terminating the pregnancy. I feel like they argued a lot of about what happened & it caused a lot of stress. I don't think there in the best place & Apryl may be remorseful & apologetic, but I also feel like she is defensive of her actions. Fizz feels like he has a chip on his shoulder over this, & he firmly believes that she's repeated negative patterns out of boredom. I feel like Fizz has also found peace within his solitude, & I don't feel like he is looking to fix things with Apryl. I feel there was a reality check of the stagnation they were experiencing, but I think it put a damper on their actual friendship. I'm also getting a strong feeling that whoever it is that she is being accused of sleeping with feels like an old friend or an ex of hers. Until there is ability to assert control or to receive some sort of revelation, there is an energy of uncertain outcomes or playing the waiting game. Fizz may not have been as active regarding her 'pregnancy scare', because of the overwhelming possibility that it could have been someone else's. This could honestly be a case of unrequited love or challenges to let go of a heartbreaker I'm also getting the feeling that they tried a long distance stent and their relationship but it still wasn't enough to bring things into balance.

💔 Did they break up/why❓

I'm going to say yes, they did at that time it was announced that they did, & it was a case of possible infidelity. Apryl comes off as the 'party girl' type, so she definitely has doing some overindulging, but it led to some confusion in the relationship. Apryl was being recognized around the streets, if you dig what I'm saying. It feels like it was a friend, or ex of Apryl's, that she may have been rumored to have hooked up with (I'd say it was either a friend of Apryl's, Fizz's, or this can be a mutual friend of both) that seemed to be a 'one night', if you will. I feel there was a clinging on to this relationship after a while, & a shred of it does seek the attention that comes with being together, but the connection got a little routine & burdening. It did feel like someone was searching outside of the relationship, but it didn't seem intentional; it felt like it happened naturally. Apryl is wanting a happy family life, but she is looking for in all the wrong ways out of loneliness. I feel like her children with Omarion became a priority when custody was awarded to him. I feel that dealing with that became more important than her relationship with Fizz, so plans have changed. I also feel it was hard for Fizz to process if Apryl was dealing with the friend or not, & I think the whole situation of that changed the dynamic of their relationship as a whole. There was a realization that they weren't going to grow from this, as there was no real direction. I feel like it not only drove a wedge into their relationship but also the friends relationship with each of them.

💔SINGLE LIFE💔

💃🏾 How is Apryl Jones coping with the single life ❔

She seems like she is focus on her foundations & achievements namely her family/children. It's also a strong energy of her focusing on herself & not looking to deal with love or a relationship. This is the age of someone who is single, but I do feel like she hooks up from time to time; single, yet mingling. I certainly don't feel Apryl in the house every night, & she does deal with men (or it can be a specific water sign man) that aren't emotionally mature, are emotionally manipulative, & comes off as the non-committal types. I don't feel her wanting to commit right now & it may be from discouragement or fear of uncertainty. She has a blocked heart chakra so emotionally she may be unstable herself. I do feel her really being hung up on what she went through with Omarian, but I also feel she still wanting a happy ending with someone. She's not in the right emotional state right now, so anyone she gets involved with will be unorganized or unconventional. I feel like her relationship with Fizz was a way to lash out through what she was feeling. I see her being attached from her emotions & love as well, & she may be attracting non emotional men to 'tame her beasts'. I feel like this is her way to cope, but it doesn't stick for her. She doesn't open up about how she may be suffering, & she copes in silence as well. I feel like she doesn't want to have relationships/friendships because I feel they have caused her a lot of drama & stress in her life in general, as well as her love life. She's operating on inner conflict & pain, so she is in the mindset of not allowing friends/partners into her life for too long if they begin to cause her stress.

🕺🏾How is Lil Fizz coping with the single life❓

Fizz feels like he isn't making any decisions or movements to be committed to anyone, as I feel he is getting over the relationship with Apryl & I felt that to have been taken as a failure or an embarrassment to him. I feel he felt good about his relationship with her in the past, at first, & he felt it to be fulfilling his wishes. I think really committing is a challenge for him, so I don't see him being open to a relationship anytime soon. I do feel like he's not sitting at home either & he is also in much of an in-&-out player energy with women. They both seem to be lacking introspection, but with Fizz, he seems to be coming out of his emotions as opposed to them. I do feel like he is coping with the same methods as Apryl, but he seemed to be content with this function (or so he is making himself believe this). I feel he will open up intuitively & spiritually when he begins gaining clarity on why love hasn't worked out for him in the past, & a lot of the time he would either be mismatched or we he would attract very logical or cold women. For him, this may be a slow discovery/recovery from this, & it will be a matter of gaining illumination to patterns. I also feel Fizz really does want to find someone he has genuine feelings towards & someone he would be willing to commit to, just like Apryl, but he needs to understand why he attracts certain women. I also feel he gets wary of women who gets involved with him because he's 'Lil Fizz'. He wants security & stability with someone he cares for, but he has to start getting serious about the type of girl to be with. I feel like these types of women are familiar to him & he may have a hard time implementing these expectations right away.

💔 Do they ever plan on getting back together❔

Right now, their relationship is in a state of conflict regarding some gossip or misinformation about an affair, & it is coming up as an accident that they are both aware of, but I don't think the details or as extensive or as clear. Despite this knowledge putting a wedge into their relationship, the spark went out in their relationship rather quickly as well. Also I think Apryl was trying too hard to force a family with Fizz, which also cause discontentments further promoting the connection has run its course. I feel like in their relationship, Apryl was drawing a lot of negative attention to herself, & it also felt like she is the source of a lot of drama & conflict. I feel Fizz was committed to a fault, but I think he began to become discouraged about the security within their connection. I feel that day felt it was best to close the cycle out & separate, & it feels like deception may have resulted in an unwanted pregnancy, or scare (or at least that is what's speculated). Whether there was issues with the pregnancy fertility issues or mis carriage was experience fertility is coming up a lot; which coincides with Apryl being the permiscuous type. Moving forward, trust issues came up more often than not; even though there was loyalty to the friendship, it feels like an issue of letting go of the past. It feels like they would need to be open to healing the past, but I don't think they are in this space just yet. It may be hard to overlook Apryl's alleged actions, & I feel Fizz is fearful of being cheated on or rejected. This break-up feels final & it feels like there needs to be a mutual effort & desire to be together, without it coming from and unhealed place. The alleged cheating was kind of what called everything off & turn the desire off. Overall, I think the ship has sailed since the situation isn't healed all the way.

💔What lies in the near future for both parties❓

💃🏾 Apryl will be focused on her own stability, or lack thereof, & I feel like she isn't in the best place financially, or in the coming months it will get to an uncomfortable place for her. I'm not sure of her living situation, as it seems she either has roommates, or she is living in between places, but I feel she is dealing with someone she may be dependent on. It's giving me the impression that her only claim to this man is financial stability, while he is only attracted to her for physical appearance. I feel her focus will also be recovering her reputation after the backlash of dating Fizz, which the attention from that was a possible reason why she dealt with him for that time, other than how she felt about him. I feel like she is wanting to build herself back from her relationship with Fizz, as she has had a strong fall from grace with all that has happened, & it may be difficult to recover her respect from the public eye. She has the energy of an underachiever & hasn't got into a place in her life (yet) where she can genuinely say she's financially stable or happy.

🕺🏾 Fizz feel like he is in a mentally entrapping situation that feels like it has to do with Moniece because I'm picking up mothering energy. It feels like he keeps her at bay (or tries to), but I feel like it may start to become difficult to keep her happy, let alone be able to cooperate or coparent with her. I feel this is a never-ending cycle with Mo for him, but I think he is really needing to focus on bringing positivity & optimism to this situation. I feel like he feels a lot of hostile energy, but the only reason for her hostility is due to the lack of forward movement & his lack of discipline/commitment to coparenting. I would even go as far as to say that he can be a absent father at times, or he may wait too long to take any action because he got a chip on his shoulder when it comes to Mo. He really tries to keep any monetary advances away from her but that is putting a wedge within his relationship with his son. In layman's terms, Moniece is gonna fuck around & take his ass to court, which will put him in an even more financial bind.

💔BONUS QUESTIONS💔

👶🏾 Was Apryl ever pregnant by Fizz/is there a child promised to their relationshituation❔

I see the possibility of a scare, but I feel Apryl either had complications or had the pregnancy terminated (or it was just a scare). I feel like she & Fizz had already been broken up, & it is coming up that the scare was revealed after she was separated from Fizz. I also feel Apryl had an affair around the time they separated in a may be a source of reference within a timeline of conception. I get the feeling of reluctance on having to come clean about what was done in the dark because they seem to have been already in a tight space I also believe there was gossip of Apryl being unfaithful that seem to be getting around through mutual friends & that that was where the scare stemmed from, rather than the fact that they were seemingly separated at that time. I also feel like there was even some run-ins regarding these parties. I also feel Fizz was good friends with the man she allegedly had an affair with, or he may have been familiar with him by way of a close knit network. I feel like this hurt Apryl's reputation even worse in private, yet I don't feel there will be a baby to come out of this relationshituation.

🤳🏾 Why have Apryl & Fizz unfollowed each other on Social Media❓

I'm getting the energy that it was obstacles & challenges in regards to continuing to be able to see what one another is up to. Their break feels indefinitely, & it was a combative situation that was lacking balance, even now. I also feel they were needing to understand what they were doing in their relationship together, & things were dying down as a result. I'm also getting the sense that they were beginning to recognize the lack of stability & immaturity that seemed to cause disharmony between them, & I'm also seeing that monetary issues played a part in their break-up as well. It also feels them unfollowing each other was ego-driven as well. It seems to have been a lot of conflict that seemed to be bringing out toxicity in both of them; basically they need to separate physically & visually. I don't think they are on speaking terms either, since communication is coming up with what needs to be organized.

💏 Did Apryl ever cheat in Fizz when they were together❔

It feels like it was a situation where there was misinterpretation or disillusionment regarding what is & what isn't. It feels she was focused on asserting her truth, which led to a need to control the rumors of this. In her inner truth, that is coming up that there WAS an opportunity to cheat that she did not seize, with the same individual that I kept picking up on a regards to this allegation. With that said I'm going to have to say no, she didn't cheat on Fizz. I feel like this was a rumor that blew up & caused strife between her & Fizz but the exchange of this information is what needed to be organized. There already seemed to be some boundaries in place against the possibility to cheat, by way of her own rejection. I do feel like this has had a profound effect on their relationship, & I don't think Fizz was able to trust her the same after that.

[vixxscifiwritings]

The Foxglove Meadow (9/?)

Summary - In which a single summer in Derbyshire becomes a learning experience for the people involved. In which Wonshik finds his love is not who he expected it to be, Taekwoon struggles with coming to terms with his past while finding he can love again, Jaehwan parts with a long standing affection, Minah learns how society influences lives in a way that’s complicated and Haneul learns that sensibility is harder practiced than preached.

Story Masterpost

Tag List - @blossomtearsleo @tomatoholmes @merlionmen @seraphistols  @k-craze-97

Chapter 9 - The Kims Of Chatsworth

"Hannie, you look like you survived the seven seas and returned home after being shipwrecked" Sanghyuk told Haneul. 

"I suppose I do look awful, don't I?" Haneul said with a sigh. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was frizzy from the humidity and her dark circles had begun to show. She had lost some weight too apparently for she could take an inch off her corset and dresses that were snug before summer hung a little looser.

"I do look shipwrecked" she laughed. 

"However, I don't think Mama would approve of me being a pirate" she added, ruffling his hair. 

"Perhaps I can be a pirate when I grow up" Sanghyuk said. 

"Maybe. If we have some time then I will make you a pirate's hat later" Haneul promised. Sanghyuk cheered and hugged her before running off to tell Minah. 

Sanghyuk descended the stairs in a great rush. "Be careful!" Soojung exclaimed when he almost skidded into the drawing room. Soojung had been instructing Minah before the interruption and Sanghyuk groaned when he realized that it would be his turn soon.

"Like I said, you must dress well. Tie your unruly hair up. And remember your manners. Flatter Mrs Kim, but subtlety and sensibility is key" she reminded Minah. 

"I understand" Minah said. Her tone was clipped for there was no use in going over this argument again. Soojung had made it clear in no simple words that Kim Wonshik was to be a potential suitor and Minah was to 'assist' him in this endeavour. Minah's own views were quite contrary but apparently irrelevant. 

"Han Sanghyuk" Soojung started. 

Minah tuned out while Soojung quizzed Sanghyuk on proper etiquette. She excused herself and decided to go upstairs to her room. She came across Haneul who was tying up the cords of her corset. Minah wordlessly helped her wear her dress.

"Haneul" she started and stopped, unsure of how to phrase her question. 

"Yes?" Haneul asked. 

"I've been wondering. Do you remember when I asked you if you ever had a suitor?" Minah asked carefully. 

"I do. What about it?" Haneul asked. 

"How did you handle unwanted attention? Rather, what if the attention was not from someone you despised or so, but just unwanted" Minah asked. Haneul bit her lip. The question had hit close to home for it resembled her situation with Jaehwan greatly.

"I suppose, you must draw a line somewhere. If it gets too over bearing then you must say no in clear terms. But it becomes difficult to assess when and where" she told Minah. 

"Do you remember when you said you didn't want to marry Jaehwan? Well, I don't want Kim Wonshik to court me" Minah wanted to say. But she nodded and held her silence. She had no idea of his intentions and it was best not discussed till she knew.

-

"Let me introduce you to my mother, Kim Jinsil. And this is my sister, Kim Sooyeon" Wonshik said, introducing his family. The families curtseyed and bowed as introductions were exchanged. 

"Minah, you must sit by me. I have heard a lot about you and I can't wait to know you more" Sooyeon said excitedly. 

"As excitable as you are darling, you are being rude to our present company" Jinsil told her daughter. Sooyeon blushed apologetically. 

"I do suppose that the girls can be excused. I'm afraid our conversations will only bore them" Hyunshik said gently. 

"May I be excused as well?" Sanghyuk piped up, causing the company to laugh. 

"We don't wish to be rude" Minah said once the company had settled. 

"I don't think it a problem. Do take a turn of the gardens" Jinsil encouraged. Sooyeon, Minah and Sanghyuk took their leave with Sooyeon leading the way. Soojung eyed the group satisfied by the turn of events.

"I have heard so much about you from Wonshik. It is a pleasure to meet you in person" Jinsil said. 

"Only good things I hope. He is a fine gentleman and we are glad to make this acquaintance" Hyunshik said. 

"You flatter me, Mr Kim. Sooyeon in particular was rather taken with Minah. Rather strange that we should reside in London but meet in Derbyshire" Jinsil said. 

"Strange indeed" Soojung agreed.

"Tell me more about yourself Haneul" Jinsil asked. 

"Haneul is quite an accomplished painter Ma" Wonshik said. 

"I proudly concur" Hyunshik said heartily. 

"These are exaggerations Madam" Haneul said modestly. 

"You must excuse her modest nature Ma'am. But Haneul is quite accomplished in various home making activities" Minjun added.

"Both the sisters are well versed in the arts. Minah plays the piano" Soojung told her. 

"Indeed, she knows a vast range of songs" Haneul agreed. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her mother stiffen imperceptibly. 

"Well, I must invite her to play some time" Jinsil agreed. They were interrupted by the servant who had come in to announce that tea was ready.

"If you'll excuse me, I'll go look for Minah" Haneul requested. 

"Let me accompany you" Wonshik said. 

"Perhaps you'll be able to find your sister faster. Sooyeon usually walks around a fair bit" Jinsil said with a sigh. 

"I don't believe that Sanghyuk and Minah would have problems keeping up" Hyunshik said in a good natured tone. 

"I suppose not" Soojung agreed.

-

"I do believe we will find them in the gardens" Wonshik said. 

"Minah loves gardens. I guess Sooyeon is no different" Haneul said with a smile. 

"Pardon the intrusion, but are you keeping well my lady?" Wonshik asked. 

"You are kind to worry about my health, sir. I am keeping well" she assured him.

"Have you painted anything new lately?" he asked. 

"Simple landscapes, I am afraid" she replied. 

"Maybe someday I will boldly ask you for one of the estate" he laughed. Haneul chuckled as well. 

"I must confess that as a child I would some times sketch the estate's gardens from afar. I doubt I have improved since then" she admitted. 

"I must see these sketches some day" he asked conspiratorially. 

"Whether you see my sketches or not, you must invite Minah to play the pianoforte someday. She is quite skilled at it" Haneul told him. 

"I look forward to it" he said. 

"Do you remember Mr Jung?" he asked her. 

"I do indeed. How is he?" she asked. 

"In good health fortunately. He has decided to stay at the estate for the rest of the season. I expect him to arrive next week" Wonshik told her. 

"That is quite fortunate. I don't believe you have much company in the way of other young gentlemen" Haneul told him. 

"I don't think it is my company he desires" Wonshik laughed. Haneul frowned at the statement. 

"I do believe that I can trust you with a secret" he admitted. 

"Mama believes that Taekwoon intends to court Sooyeon when she comes of age" he confided. 

"I don't think you should be telling me this" Haneul said, stepping back a little.

"I have reasons to believe this to be untrue. I think he intends to court you" Wonshik said plainly. 

"You must be mistaken sir. He has declared no such intentions to me and I don't believe he ever will" Haneul insisted. 

"Taekwoon is the type to admire in silence. He won't openly declare his affections till he believes he has secured yours. That is his falling and I can only beg you to understand his heart" Wonshik told her.

"This was my only design in asking for your company. I only ask you to pay attention to his feelings. Taekwoon may not be as bold" he put in. 

"I am afraid you have been rather bold in announcing his intentions" Haneul said firmly. "Mr Jung is a fine gentleman but I firmly believe you are mistaken in interpreting his actions. He has no intentions of courting me and I beg of you not to bring this topic up again. Now if you will excuse me, we have been away for long enough for it to be improper."

Wonshik hesitated, as Haneul walked further. He followed her silently, with neither party speaking a word till they reached the gardens.

"Haneul! Do join us" Minah said happily. She frowned when she noticed a palpable tension between Wonshik and her cousin. But Haneul smiled and Minah knew not to pursue it further. 

"Sanghyuk has been telling us stories of his adventures across the sea. He is a well travelled pirate" Sooyeon said proudly.

"Hannie knows. She even promised to make me a pirate's hat" Sanghyuk told them. 

"Haneul is quite skilled at embroidery. You will have the best pirate's hat in the land" Minah declared. 

"You must teach me. I could never sit still for the lessons and now I regret it" Sooyeon admitted. 

"Haneul is a good teacher. She taught me how to play the piano" Minah said. 

"I had no idea you played the piano as well" Wonshik said, genuinely surprised. 

"I suppose we must correct for that. You must spend your evenings at the estate for the sake of our acquaintance" Sooyeon said. 

"Of course" Haneul agreed. Sooyeon smiled and went back to discussing Sanghyuk’s adventures. Minah noticed Haneul firmly avoiding Wonshik and frowned. Something was amiss here.

-

[survivor-ingary]

Episode 2 - "I DON'T WANT THE MYSTERY MOUSE-CA-TOOL BESTIE" - Ellie

At the tribal, Ping was voted out of the Pendragon Tribe nearly unamimously. Tribal immunity for this round is Pictionary.

I bet all these bitches know i voted for Keith and now they are going to come kill me in my sleep if i die i blame dylan

yass round 2 i either think im in the best position on this tribe or theyre all secretly coming for me thats all

Tribal went as well as I expected it to go. No major drama. It seems like Keith is in real trouble if we do go to tribal again though which would put me in a very tricky spot. For now, though, I will be trying my best in the upcoming challenge. The problem is, however, timezones and schedules. Jon is going to be our drawer, but he can only do it tonight or in the early afternoon tomorrow which I will not be there for. Additionally, Keith is asleep so we have no idea what his schedule is going to be so we basically had to schedule the challenge without him. And Nya could only do right before the deadline tomorrow which Jon cannot do. I hate this for us, truly. I just hope that Moth and I can rub our brain cells together for this one so that we can pull out a win. OR somehow the other tribes fail horribly. On the bright side, I am finally starting to catch up on Duolingo exercises. They're a lot easier than I thought, but it is still going to be tedious af to save up enough coins for some of the higher end products at the shop. As a final note, I am going to work with Nya in the long term as we promised each other to. Hopefully that actually works out. Time to actually be loyal and be a hero this time around. Need to try something different.

If we lose this challenge, I will be very upset. We went so hard on this challenge!!! I believe that we can at least get second place, but I don't know how crazy the other tribes are. So, let's see what goes on

Ayyyyy soooooooo looks like the four, Colin, me, Ava, and Brayden are officially in an alliance!? I’m really hyped to be working with everybody and already have sights on who should go if we have to go to tribal 👀 but like I’m gonna feel so bad if we go to tribal and I orchestrate a whole plan to take someone out I gotta do it when I’m not in my feels and the planets aren’t fucking with my emotions too heavy. But go alliance ! This means I’ll be able to stay safe until hopefully a merge and hopefully we can avoid a tribe swap till then which I get those vibe from it !! But I’ll be here to survive two more tribals just in case which is pretty rad. Other then that hopefully me offering to draw doesn’t end us up in the bottom and we can keep killing ! But anyways that is it as off know hopefully I have a lot more coins tomorrow morning and I get hit the hat shop bright and motherfucking early.

Just got asked to be apart of an alliance <33333 the besties in the group trust me which maybe ain't the right move but for now we gotta love the bonding. exciting!!!

YAY FOR ROUND 2! Okay, so I meet once again with the Hat Shop and... third times the charm! Except,,, the charm is getting nothing AGAIN lmao I'm not complaining though, still got that extra vote :P I stayed up at 1 AM for this challenge, and I honestly think our team popped off. Anastasia was guessing a ton, and Riley was amazing at drawing real quick! I have a relatively good feeling about our performance, so I hope I wake up to the news of our tribe being immune :D

so yesterday I set myself on a mission to get an alliance. I wanted Ava + Brayden + Toph + me as a majority alliance. it was our day off from tribal so I thought it was the perfect day to do it!! I talked to Brayden about it first because he's the person I feel the most comfortable with, and then after a lot of coordination and careful communication I was able to pull it together!! I think the most important thing when making alliances is making everyone feel like they're a big part in it. So I was careful to ask each person how they feel about the others, about the game, and made a point to say that I wanted to work with them specifically. Some may call that a little manipulative, but I wanna make sure that I'm an essential part of the alliance!! i need everyone to feel like they need/want me there.

all of this happening so soon into the game is a testament to how aggressive I'm playing this time around. I usually like to lay low and just rely solely on my social game in the start, but I'm trying this out to establish myself early on! I wanted to play the tribe leader and I think I'm doing that in a smart and subtle way!!

so yes now we have a 4 person majority alliance named "duolingo owl hate club" because fuck that guy. I think we're the 4 most active and present people on the tribe so it's only natural for us to work together, but I think it's definitely worth noting that I was the one that was pulling the strings here.

We just did the pictionary challenge, I have a good feeling about it!! Toph was an amazing artist, and if we win, all credit rightfully goes to him!! I think the guessers also did great of course, but like come on, the artist has to be the mvp. I'm really hoping we pull through!! I don't mind going to tribal, but I genuinely don't wanna vote anyone out yet. I'm fine just playing the game in a precautionary way. I know I'm in a great position if we do go to tribal, but it's always preferred that we don't go.

Everyone else on my tribe: doing the challenge and kicking ass

Me: I’m sleep

Riley (Tumblr has once again chosen violence so only the first 10 get banners 🥲)

I think our challenge went pretty well! My team were good guessers. Feeling like I've established some Integrity now. Hope it keeps me safe later!

Toph Soooooo we finished the challenge with 32 points and like wig !! I was a quick as drawer for 32pts expect when my internet lagged, but still ! I think we whooped some ass and if we do go to tribal I know it won’t be me going, thanks to Duolingo owl hate club but I’m also worried same could have and advantage because they seem pretty kean on learning a lot in like 3 hours and then tried to cover that statement to not seem so threatening but like babs s a huge threat too apparently they love Duolingo and know 5 laugnes ? This is from brayden but If so go babs ! That’s absolutely iconic for real Life but fucking scary in this game ! I gotta be buddy buddy with them so hopefully if they do have something it won’t be them going home first and it will be Ava. But I’m thinking we might get second place again unless someone is a fucking wizard at this.

Dennis hmm i think we did well enough in the challenge to not see tribal tomorrow but who knows i guess we shall find out tn

the way ellie was so on top of stuff yesterday only to oversleep the challenge makes me giggle maybe shes freaking out about it which makes me also giggle but i dont think its really a big deal

anastasia asked me to call yesterday and i was like sure lets talk but it is damn near impossible to hold a conversation with her idk i tried BUT she did tell me “yeah i just got off a call with ellie” im like i see. she says shes down to work with ellie but that quickly switched from ellie being ~experienced~ but good to know ellie is also playing hard. anastasia also mentioned that she talks to riley a fair amount who i still have yet to connect to well. but dat makes me think ellie is def talking to riley too miss debate team is definitely a talker. but good on her for the social game i guess

kenneth keeps being like haha we’re the same person and im like yeah👁 i bet we are👁

i just wanna win and not think about tribal just keep it slow and chill for now keep learnin my welsh i guess

Ava Second challenge was Pictionary and I had a ton of fun playing. The tea is: toph did a great job. He was pretty vocal about not being a great artist but really I think he did great. However, Babs was super inactive yesterday and ~too late~ said they were a great artist and should've been picked to draw. It was kind of like.... k babs thanks for the belated "help". They did do great guessing which scored a point in my book. Brayden was supposed to play but last minute logged off without saying anything so we did the challenge without him :/ sorta a bummer. Anyway the lack of participation from Sam is kind of popping off so we'll see where that leads them... Overall a fun game and fingers crossed we did well!

Moth I think we did okay at the challenge. Today I am dying from the heatwave so I’m not thinking too straight! Stay cool everyone

Ellie So yesterday Anastasia and I called for about an hour!!! I’d say we’re definitely way closer, she’s someone I really wanna work with although the idea of her and Brayden eventually being on the same tribe is kinda scary cause I know how close they are. Still she’s so fun to talk to and I just love her energy so much!

Pictionary challenge results: Jenkins Tribe wins with Penadragon second, Hatter Tribe has to go to tribal council on the following day.

Ava Well well well seems our bob ross, toph, didn't pull through (y'all think babs would've pulled it out for us or slept through our challenge like they said they almost did?) I can't wait for tribal. I'm in it for the drama. I'm hashtag voting Sam off - didn't even bother to be apart of our challenge and not too sure they've even been online for a full 24 hours. Weed out the weak.....

Anastasia

Brayden https://imgur.com/n60Lz0c

guys i dont know what to do someone help me out

Dennis i hope damn brayden gets the boot

Raffy Woo! We don't have to go to tribal again! We stan!

Ellie So I figured I’d go idol hunting today cause the shop was about to close and I just wanted to see what had been bought and what possible hats there were, I see that there’s a hat I have enough for that hasn’t been bought and I decide fuck it let’s get it

APPARENTLY ITS SOMETHING THAT IM NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS OR HOW TO USE IT YET???? THEY SAID ILL FIND OUT ABOUT IT LATER

I DONT WANT THE MYSTERY MOUSE-CA-TOOL BESTIE

Sam Well you see. I like all my tribe people. And I think we did real good on that music video! So, I think rather than voting anyone else off, I think I should just vote myself off if that is possible! Ahhh

Babs So sad to see Sam not only go but go through what they're going through :( same w Toph :( they all seem so lovely

Keith Not sure if i submitted a confession after the last tribal. But if I didnt here it is.

Happy I made it out of that tribal. I had raffy backing me with whom I played. Last time we played. We were at odds. We didnt work together but whats worse that we were against each other. It was either him or me goin out. Hopefully thats the past n we can work together. I jus need to keep things calm n show that Im not here itching to make big moves. So they dont feel threatened by me. N its easy cause right now. I havnt made that kind og bond with anyone on my tribe. To even think of such moves. Lets see what round two holds for me.

Colin so uh

we lost! :(

I was really bummed tbh. Like I thought we did well but circumstances with the challenge were just really unfortunate, from conflict about who wanted to be the artist to people disappearing the moment the challenge started, I think we did well despite all of that. Except we did kinda get stomped anyway. Oh well!! The game moves on. Tribal has to happen.

Initially I was gonna push for Babs, just because I feel like I don't wanna attach myself to them too early on. I've seen how much of a bitter player they can be, and lets just say I'm not the most loyal ally to have. however! 9 minutes after we lost, Ava announces to our alliance that she's voting Sam. I wasn't surprised, Sam has been the one not really pulling their weight. But I had some good connections with her!! we both did colorguard and shes so sweet and easy to talk to. I was really conflicted for a little bit, debating on whether or not to actually push for Babs. I think brayden sensed my hesitance but we both knew there was nothing really I could do to stop Sam from being the vote. At first tribal, the initial name always spreads like wildfire.

However, my mess was stopped abruptly by Sam asking to be voted out. welp!! okay then!! babs stays i guess!! i'm not too bothered. I'll never turn down an easy vote hehe.

Pretty sure there's a swap tonight. I'm kinda scared of that

uwu

Brayden

i almost forgot to upload this but dont worry i just remembered

Colin screams

Toph So we’re going to tribal in 20 and all I have to say right now is if there is a tribe swap after I’m gonna so scared but I ducking called I had a vibe and it was right that’s what is gonna win me this game trusting my intuition. I’m holding on now and gonna be the biggest comp beast next challenge in case I get fucked on this swap !!!! Or at least if it is a swap 🤔

Riley I don't know what this announcement's gonna be I'm worriedddd... Ginny said it probably means we're swapping teams but I don't wannaaaa I like our team.

Toph Sam self sacrificing made this the easiest vote ever and me being safe is a plus I guess 😎

[40sandfabulousaf]

Hello guys! I'm late to the International Women's Rights Day. Over here, it's still a very new concept and, whilst the original intentions are noble, retailers and influencers have appropriated the day to instead either sell us something (albeit at a discount) or to promote themselves/their cronies. Personally, I can't get behind that.

I don't call myself a feminist because it's not a cause I have time to dedicate to. However, several of my peers are staunch feminists and I admire them lots. These are old-school ones who quietly work behind the scenes to improve the situation for women as a whole, rather than draw the limelight onto themselves. This is the only type of feminism I know and support.

Messages like these are lovely and I appreciate them. It would really nice if they translate into action rather than just remain words, know what I mean? I'm not even asking for Asian representation in Western media; that's secondary. What is more important is stopping the cruelty, condescension perpetuated against us, as well as the physical assaults.

This is the influence my old-school feminist peers have on me - selflessness. Safety issues are more critical than seeing someone who looks like us being models, media starlets, etc. This virtue is sadly missing from the current wave of feminism I see online nowadays - cannot relate. And when I cannot relate, it's hard to participate, much as I want to.

Still, I appreciate the message about including Asian women. It's a start and, if things improve, I can be persuaded to join in the fun once again.

Just to share what I did today. Nothing significant since I didn't wish everyone Happy International Women's Rights Day nor did I announce it in my private Facebook account.

I encouraged a colleague who had a slipped disc and is only now easing back into being active with yoga. She felt rather crestfallen as she felt her strength deterioration after 3 months of being sedentary.

My usual part-time domestic helper has to return to her home country after discovering that her husband hasn't been... well... keeping their marital vows. She will be leaving next week and I promised to give her some clothes, as well as snacks to bring home to her young children. I am packing them over these few days so she can collect them when she comes over this weekend, for possibly the last time.

I helped a colleague to advise her client about certain matters since I have the technical knowledge when normally we don't have dealings since our portfolios are different. She just asked for assistance and I gave it, like I always do.

It's nothing significant or anything to brag about. These humble acts are not big profile events, nor will they score a tons of likes. But they truly made me feel good inside, you know? 🙂 It may not be what the current crop of feminists identify with or relate to; but the selfless peers of mine will get what I mean.

Our generation of women don't just talk; we act. And when the current batch of feminists can catch up, I'll join in the fun.

[iheartallah]

I am a munafiq and I am certain of it. I don't know what to do to change it. I was starting to change my life to do all the things that please Allah but I can't anymore. I only pray and make a short dua in my sujood and that's it. Before this past week, I hadn't missed a single Salah in about a year but I missed isha prayer twice now. I'm overwhelmed with negative thoughts and I cannot seem to ward off shaytan. Sadly, I used to be so much happier when I wasn't as practicing about 5 years ago.

Salam Alikum.

Narrated by Muslim, the Prophet ﷺ said: ““Thereare four (characteristics), whoever has all of them is a complete hypocrite,and whoever has some of them has some element of hypocrisy, unless he gives itup:

- when hespeaks, he lies;- when hemakes a treaty, he betrays it;- when hemakes a promise, he breaks it;- when hequarrels, he resorts to insults.”

If you find within yourself one of the abovecharacteristics, you may have some element of hypocrisy. In order to get rid ofthis, and in turn get rid of hypocrisy, all you need to do is control and putan end to the behavior (from the ones mentioned above). This will take time andeffort so don’t expect miracles to happen overnight. Slow progress is goodprogress. If Allah SWT sees that you are trying to improve yourself and get ridof a certain bad habit you have, it is impossible that he will not send Hishelp for you. If He finds you trying to improve yourself, then there is no doubtthat He will help you with the same. And once you have Allah’s help, thingswill become a lot easier. 

Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala) said: “I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed” [Bukhari] (Hadith Qudsi)

So the first step is identifying where you are goingwrong and taking conscious steps to correct the behavior that is leading you tobelieve that you are a munafiq.  

Secondly, Alhamdulillah that you are trying to become more practicingand trying to do things that please Allah. Even so, please remember thatthe level of iman (faith) that one has in their heart changes from time totime. This is extremely natural and, were it not for the lows, we would neverknow when we are experiencing a high level of Iman.

The Prophet ﷺ hassaid, “Everybody has his time of energy, and every time of energy is followedby a time of lethargy. But if a person tries to follow a moderate path, then Ihave hope for him, but if he becomes one who is pointed out (in the street),then do not think anything of him.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi) - Explanation of this Hadith

Narrated by HanzalahUsayyidi, I met Abu Bakr. He said: ‘Who are you?’ He (Hanzalah) said: ‘Hanzalahhas turned out to be a hypocrite.’ He (Abu Bakr) said: ‘Hallowed be Allah, whatare you saying?’ Thereupon he said: ‘I say that when we are in the company ofAllah’s Messenger ﷺ we ponder over Hell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeingthem before our very eyes. But when we are away from Allah’s Messenger ﷺ weattend to our wives, our children, our business; most of these things(pertaining to the after-life) slip out of our minds.’ Abu Bakr said: ‘ByAllah, I also experience the same.’ So Abu Bakr and I went to Allah’s Messengerﷺ and I said to him: ‘O Allah’s Messenger ﷺ, Hanzalah has turned to be ahypocrite.’ Thereupon Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said: ‘What has happened to you?’ Isaid: “O Messenger of Allah ﷺ, when we are in your company, we are reminded ofHell-Fire and Paradise as if we are seeing them with our own eyes, but wheneverwe go away from you and attend to our wives, children and business, many ofthese things go out of our minds.’ Thereupon Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said: ‘By Himin Whose Hand is my life, if your state of mind remains the same as it is in mypresence and you are always busy in remembrance (of Allah), the Angels willshake hands with you in your beds and on your paths. However, Hanzalah, timeshould be devoted (to the worldly affairs) and time (should be devoted toprayer and meditation).’ He (the holy Prophet ﷺ) said this thrice.’ (SahihMuslim)

What you are experiencing may be a low point in your Iman.Now, it is your duty to work hard toincrease your Iman; you can do this in various ways such as by listening to Islamicreminders, doing dhikr, establishing Salah on time with khushoo, trying toestablish Tahajjud salah, sending salawat upon the Prophet ﷺ, making lots ofdua and asking Allah for help and for anything and everything that you wantto ask Him for, etc.

Alhamdulillah you haven’t stopped establishing Salah. If youhave missed a salah unintentionally, make up for it. However, if you havemissed Salah intentionally, ask Allah for forgiveness (by doing tawbah andistighfar) and by making a firm commitment to never again miss a salah In’sha’Allah.Remember, Salah is the cornerstone of Islam. In the world of Allah SWT and theProphet ﷺ,

“Recite, [O Muhammad],what has been revealed to you of the Book and establish prayer. Indeed, prayer prohibitsimmorality and wrongdoing, and the remembrance of Allah is greater. And Allahknows that which you do.” (29:45)

“Verily, man was created impatient, irritable when eviltouches him and niggardly when good touches him. Except for those devoted toprayer those who remain constant in their prayers…” (70:19-23).

The Prophet ﷺ said“Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his neglect of the prayer.” (Muslim)

Buraydah ibn al-Husaybsaid: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah ﷺ say: ‘The covenant that distinguishesbetween us and them is the prayer, and whoever neglects it has disbelieved(become a kaafir).’” (Ahmad, Abu Dawood)

The Prophet ﷺ said, “Thefirst matter that the slave will be brought to account for on the Day ofJudgment is the prayer. If it is sound, then the rest of his deeds will besound. And if it is bad, then the rest of his deeds will be bad.” (al-Tabarani)

The great Taabi’i‘Abd-Allaah ibn Shaqeeq al-‘Aqeeli said: “The Companions of the Messenger ofAllaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not think that omittinganything constituted kufr apart from prayer.”

The only sad part offinding the straight path is when you lose it. There are many ways to fall, butno fall is more tragic than a fall in one’s deen. Sometimes it’s a sister whodecided to take off her hijab and live a different type of life, other times it’sa brother who was once active in the community, but got caught up with thewrong crowd. But, with each story, somehow, somewhere along the line, our brothersand sisters fell so far.

Sadly, these storiesare not uncommon. Sometimes we can’t help but look at them and wonder: How? Why?We wonder how someone who was so straight could have gotten so far off thepath.

In wondering this, weoften don’t realize that the answer may be simpler than we think. People fall intoall types of sin, but there is one sin many of these people have in common.There is one common denominator for most individual who lives a life full ofsin. Whether that person was once on the straight path and fell, or whetherthat person was never on that path at all, one thing is likely. That person hadto first abandon, minimize, put aside, or ignore their salah (prayer) beforethey were able to fall – Yasmin Mogahed.

As for the negative thoughts, each time you find a negativethought enter your mind, seek refuge in Allah by saying أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيمand by reciting Ayatul Kursi or Surah Nas.

“And if an evil whisper from Shaytaan (Satan) tries to turnyou away (O Muhammad) (from doing good), then seek refuge in Allaah. Verily, Heis the All‑Hearer, the All‑Knower” [41:36]

Some of the Sahaabah complained about the waswaas that wasbothering them. Some of the companions of the Messenger of Allaah ﷺ came to theProphet ﷺ and said to him, ‘We find in ourselves thoughts that are too terribleto speak of.’ He said, ‘Are you really having such thoughts?’ They said, ‘Yes.’He said, ‘That is a clear sign of faith.’” (Narrated by Muslim) - Explanation of this Hadith

Please remember that Allah is there to help you. Thewhispers of shaitan are not strong enoughto stand against the remembrance of Allah. If you find that when you arenot busy, you mind wanders to negative thoughts and whispers from Shaitan, playQuran recitation so that you hear the Quran and feel tranquil. If your mindwanders off to such thoughts when you are doing work that doesn’t require muchthinking and is monotonous, download a Quran Tafseer podcast and play it in the background. Select a time of the day and establishdhikr at this time, for example by reciting SubhanAllah, Alhamdulillah, Laillaha illa anta (…), sending salawat upon the Prophet ﷺ, etc. Doing dhikr willweaken shaitan’s whispers and will strengthen your level of Iman and closenessto Allah.

If you say you used to be happier when you weren’tpracticing Islam, there is something crucial that you are doing wrong. Only youcan find the answer to what this is. It is going to require being seriouslyself-critical on your part, asking yourself where you’re going wrong and doingsome serious soul-searching, but if you do it while asking Allah for helpalong the way, it will become very easy inShaAllah. I would suggest you to makea Good Day’s list. Make a list of allthe things that you want to get done in a given day that you think areimportant to get done and will help you get close to Allah (for examplethis could include: establishing all the 5 salahs on time, doing dhikr,listening to a reminder, doing something kind for your parents, etc.) and compare this to how you currently spend your days. 

Lastly, I wouldearnestly advice you to establish Tahajjud Salah as I feel it will help youfind the way out of whatever difficulty it is that you are facing. If you caneven do just 5 minutes before Fajr salah, establish 2 very light rakah’s ofTahajjud right before the Fajr azan for starters. It will give you tranquility andfreshness inShaAllah. Additionally, if you can get your hands on this book:Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed, please do read it. It will benefit you a lot inShaAllah as it has benefited me. 

Please do not forget that you were away from Islam and Allah SWT brought you back to it. Now, it is your responsibility to protect this gift you have been given by Him - you have to fight for it. Fight your own nafs. 

Please feel free to DM or send me an anon if you need helpwith anything else. Takecare. Hope I answered your question.

How to increase the level of Iman in my heart? How to deal with sins and the guilt that they bring?