#i cannot do all of these things. i cant even do all of those tonight lol

[silverislander]

weeks of not wanting to write and tonight i want to write Everything. i cant do that come on man

[chucklechampion]

evening dedicated to The Horrors

[onskepa]

Hii! Could you please do a vampire reader? It can be whatever you like (only If you feel comfortable), I love your writing so much!

Hellooooooooooooo darling~!! Sorry if this comes out as short, I did my best to extend it but I hope you enjoy this one~!!

---------------

Reypay

The na’vi have many stories to tell, each holding a specific purpose. To hold memories of those long gone, to tell of legendary stories, the heroes, the fallen, the times of sorrow, many stories that carry on and hold tradition. And there are many more stories that are new, still fresh. 

Be it odd, funny, or sad, there is a story for something. There are even stories to warn others, precautionary tales. Stories of things that lurk in the dark. What danger lies in place of which you cannot see. What happens to those who were not careful enough, falling victim to those warnings. But what story out there could be warning people? One. There is one story, a tale, a warning. A story that all na’vi have come to know.

“Is that a threat Dr. Augustine?” 

“Not a threat, but a warning” 

“Please, we got bullets, machines and a fuckton of blades. Nothing will stand in our way” 

In the Avatar program wing, Dr. Grace Agustine was standing bravely to the current Colonel Dayrl Hempenton. Beside him was his lieutenant colonel, Miles Quaritch.  Both stand tall, smirking in a disgusting smug way. Hempenton was looking down at Grace as if she knew nothing about pandora. 

“I'm telling you Colonel, you and your squad will end up dead before you reach the site. There is something worse than the viperwolves, worse than the thanators, worse than any predator native to pandora. Both the fauna and Na’vi fear this monster” Grace says in a stressful way. But Hempenton and Quaritch laugh it off. Cant say she didn't warn them. 

Grace knew better, if she cant stop them, only they will know what lies in the darkness of Pandora

The forest at night was restless, the animals, big and small can feel it. Quick and silent did the monster go. Looking for its next supply. It grows hungry, its need to feed grows strong every day. The insatiable hunger, to quench its thirst. It's been days since its last feeding. 

As it runs silently in the dense forest, within the territory of the Omatikaya village, Mo’at can feel the uneasiness of the forest. She knows. Mo’at knows that the beast hungers, and if it is not fed soon, she fears the bond will break and will come for her people. 

But it seems her troubles won't be long, as her little human technology beeps in the quietness. Grace has sent the word. Humans will be in the forest, and from what mo’at can understand, a population of 30 humans will enter the grounds. This makes mo’at sigh in relief. 

“Tonight, the beast shall have her blood….”

Many humans have landed down from their flying machines, armed and ready to reach their desired destination. They were equipped, ready to tear down any danger that is to come. Hempenton clicks on his voice communicator, radioing in on his luteninent. “Gold card this is hawks eye, we are on land and will pursue” he informs. 

Leading his team, they all silently start to make their way. It was dark and quiet as expected, making as minimal sounds as possible, using the heat signals of their cameras to spot anything hiding in the dark. 

“Hey colonel” one of the soldiers calls out to hempton. The leader turns, “yeah, what is it?”. The soldier looks at his radar in concern, “I see nothing sir, nothing on my radar” he responds. His fellow comrades chuckled like he made some silly statement. “Of course there is nothing soldier, it's night, everything is most likely asleep” Hempton responds as he makes clear a path. But the soldier frowns. 

“That is the problem sir. There is nothing around us, don't you hear it? It's dead silent. There is not even nocturnal animals around”

Quaritch and his squad were at their designated base, many armed and ready when given command from Hempton in radio. So far things seemed relaxing, every few minutes the squad would give updates and Quaritch would tell them how far they are from the place they needed to be. 

Booze and music was being played, feeling confident that their mission would go well.

But their cockiness blinded them. 

Soon in the intercoms, loud, painful screams were heard. 

Quartich grabbed his radio, “Hawks eye come in! Whats going on over there?!” he shouts, he and his squad mentally fearing the worst. 

“BACK UP!! BACK UP NOW!!” was what hempton was able to say after his intercom was suddenly shut off. Quaritch wasted no time and had his team fly out to the site Hempton and the rest were at. The other soldiers tried to get in touch with others but all they heard was the sound of flesh being torn, screams of unbearable pain, but no words was able to be said. 

And what felt like hours, really were only a few minutes. And what they saw was left with only pure confusion and horror. 

Machines broken, weapons shredded into small pieces It looked like a war happened. But in the middle of all the broken metal, on a wooden pike was the head of Colonel Hempenton. His eyes wide and expression of horrors to which none could know of. Whatever Hempenton saw, it was the last thing he ever saw before his untimely demise. Everyone stood silent, but had to go on, to see what else have happened. 

And then Quaritch and his squad all had the same question. 

“Where are the bodies?”

“Remember children, she is not our friend, she is not our ally, for the beast only cares for herself and no other. The bloodied beat lurks deep in the shadows, the darkness, her only enemy is the sun. To others, it is just a game to Reypay” neytiri whispers in a hush tone as she tells the old forest tale of the bloody beast, Reypay. 

Her children all look at her in amazement and horror. Yes, they hear the reypay story over and over, and will for a thousand times. 

“Mama…reypay won't come into our homes right…?” tuk asks as she huddles close to neytiri for comfort. The mother soothes tuk, stroking her hair, “no, reypay has never entered our village, never in our homes. Reypay is of many things, but even she has her own morals, "Neytiri replies. 

Neteyam gently pats tuks shoulder, “come on tuk, it's time to go to bed” he says. Neytiri guides her children to their hammocks, where Jake made sure they were all well cushioned. Each sully child is given a hug and a kiss of good night. Tuk was tucked in between kiri and lo’ak. All of them soon being carried into their own little dream world. 

All but neteyam.

In the middle of the night, Neteyam was awoken by Jake, silently gesturing to not make a lot of noise. “Dad, what's going on..?” he asks in a whispering tone, “come on” was all jake said. Guiding his son, Jake preps neteyam with his hunting blade and a short cloak. Neytiri is already waiting for them outside. 

“Mom, where are we going, what about kiri, lo’ak and tuk?” neteyam asks, getting worried by the second. Neytiri calms him, placing a kiss on the forehead, “they will be fine, we won't be taking long” she answered. The three jump from branch to branch, landing safely down to the grounds where mo’at was waiting for them. “Grandmother…?” neteyam whispers, mo’at gave him a look and all began to walk. 

Neteyam knows that no matter how many questions he asks, they won't be answered. At least not at the moment.

It was a walk, but they reached a distant floating mountain. Neteyam suggested to take the ikrans, but Jake said no. Where they were going, the ikrans were not needed. So as they reach the single small, floating mountain, Neteyam sees his fellow peers. All gathered, and all just as confused. 

“Where are we? What is going on?” Neteyam asks, looking at the mountain, he doesn't like the feeling it's emitting. Neytiri only shushes him. Jake and mo’at stand before the young crowd, “I know you are all questioning what is going on. Why you are all here, why in such hours. They will all be answered here. But heed our words young warriors, you will meet an important person. One who can be your ally, or your enemy. Choose your words wisely once you speak to her” mo’at said. 

In a single line, all of the young na’vi began to enter the mountain through its cave like entrance. Silent, only observing their surroundings. 

Neteyam enters last with his mother, with lit torches inside, they can see many things, things they wish they never saw. 

There were cages of humans, many from the recent raids Jake had led. Humans neteyam remembers were captured and taken away. He thought they were killed off sight! Many humans beg the na’vi to release them. So many cries of terror and hopelessness. “Don't give them your attention. Soon they will be gone” Jake says. 

The large group stopped at the middle of the large empty space that was inside the small mountain. Jake takes a step forth, “the stories you all have grown up with, the story of the bloody beast-” 

“It's all true~” 

A voice echoed. 

From the midst of the shadows, a human emerged from the darkness. But this human was different from what the na’vi were use to seeing. 

This human was of a young girl, her skin so deathly pale, her cheeks sunken in, ears pointed and narrow, her lips black as the night, nails long and sharp. Her eyes glowed red, and most of all was her teeth. 

Her teeth were sharp, and consisted of two sharp fangs. 

The girl licks her lips, wiping away the red liquid. 

“Greetings young warriors~ If you are all here, that means you are of age to know~” she says. Her voice is soft yet sickly smooth. 

“Age to know what? Who are you?” one of the youngsters asks. The girl giggles in a menacing way. “How rude of me~ My name is Reypay, at your delightful service” she makes a mocking bow. 

Her answer, reypay. The name of the scary tale the na’vi knew very well. But how is she real? It was a story! Just a folktale! 

“I know you are all confused, reypay? Real? Of course I am! I have been here for so long, why am I even older than mo’at here” Reypay continues. Her smile was wide and unnatural. Mo’at nods to confirm it.

“Why are we here?” Neteyam asks. And in a blink of an eye, Reypay was right at his face. Their noses are almost touching. “Neteyam Sully, my my. You have grown, I remember when you were a wee little baby. Fresh from the chrysalis. Even now you reek of that smell~"Reypay speaks, her red eyes staring down to his golden eyes. Yet her eyes held no shine, like no life was there. 

Neytiri quickly pulls her son away, hissing at Reypay in a warning manner. The girl raises her arms as a form of surrendering. “Easy there baby mama, I'm not gonna hurt him. I made my promise” proceeds to make an X across her pale chest with her sharp nail. Blood oozed for a bit until her skin healed itself. 

“You are not human, are you?” another na’vi asks. And the girl twists her neck in a gross manner, her dead eyes staring at the young one who asks. “Once. I was human once. But not any more, I am what they called a Vampire. Like in the famous story of mine. I am a creature of the darkness, enemy to the sun, and always hungry for blood~”. 

Clapping her hands, she makes her way back to Jake and mo’at. “I will cut to the chase because I have a busy schedule tonight. You all have passed your iknimaya. Now adults, which means you will all now attend the raids against the humans. What I want from you all is one simple thing….” 

The youngsters, even neteyam all leaned in to hear what reypay had to say. 

“When you fight the humans, do your best to not kill them, hurt them if you must, but do not kill” Reypay says. Of course this man the young warriors even more confused. The vampire hummed a bit, tapping her chin until she snapped her fingers. “Let me show you why”, she jumps to one of the cages, one that holds a single human, she opens the cage and grabs the human roughly and brings the being down. 

“PLEASE!! PLEASE HELP ME!! HELP ME-” the human begged but the mask was removed. 

“Bon appetite~” 

Reypay made a hissing sound and sunk her sharp fangs into the victims neck. Blood was spewing out. Feral growls were heard, her claws extended clinging tightly to the body. She was drinking human blood. And the poor human did put up a fight, but not for long. With the lack of oxygen and losing blood, the sky demon died instantly.

Neteyam couldn't believe what he was witnessing. Horror and fear was the only thing he was feeling. 

Reypay pulls away after a few minutes. Her mouth and jaw were covered in  dark red blood. “Aaaahh~ That was very refreshing~”, she drops the body like it was nothing, even stomping on the lifeless being. “As a vampire, my only source of nourishment is human blood. So calm yourself, your na’vi blood taste like shit and not even worth breaking my fangs for. What I need from you all, is to bring me as many humans as you can. In return, I keep you all safe as you sleep soundling in your little huts. This is a deal even your great great great grandparents accepted. So really, if you don't want to deal with them as much, hand the humans over”. 

There was a loud silence, so much was still being processed. mo’at stepped forward, “Reypay will keep you all safe, she has ability beyond our own. Unnatural yet powerful. I'm afraid, in this, you do not have much of a choice”. 

“She has kept you all safe for a long time. Before your parents existed. You don't need to be her friend or anything, a simple deal is all” Jake adds. 

Neteyam felt his mother slightly push him forward, “you must lead the example” neytiri whispers to him. Well he can't run away now can he? 

He takes a step towards Reypay, whose grin never leaves her dead face. “You have my word. I will give you the sky demons to keep us safe in return” he says. And not sooner enough, the other na’vi followed him. Reypay lets out a cold chuckle, “I look forward to your promise young warriors~” 

I liked how it turned out ngl. Leaves room for many guesses and stuff XD

But I hope you all enjoyed this one! Until next time! See ya!

--------

Reypay = Blood

[olvitier]

Sorry its so late buf i am in an Edling mood tonight and I will never stop thinking about the idea of how theyre the epitome of right person wrong time.

(obviously in a context of like fandom shenannigans where canon events arent 100% set in stone like edling arent canon but also idc !! they are to me! im ignoring it let me be insane) ANYWAY

Even if they wanted to be together post promised day Ling has all the responsibilities of Xing and his clan and Edward would never hold him back from that for a second. Im of the opinion that brotherhood Edward feels a lot of guilt for wanting love from the people around him particularly those he sees as good (winry, alphonse, etc) especially if hes done things hes perceived as hurting them (maes’ death, the transmutation, etc etc). Which is why I think Edward connects with Ling so well cayse he doesnt carry the weight of a lot if his past mistakes, and then when the stone happens its like goddamn it i roped this guy into my shit again. Like i dont know Edward doesnt really dedicate himself so fully to people outside of winry and ed a lot so its interesting like!!

He cares about a lot of people like the majority of the allied cast and we see him be openly affectionate towards Nina and Hughes pre their deaths but I think Ling is the only person hes ever decided to stick with WITHOUT alphonse? I may be wrong but the whole sure Ill stay with you and trust my brother and Winry to stay safe and follow you around the outskirts of the east for a week till the promised day to protect my new friend is so??? what?? huh???

But anyone my point is post promised day Edward cant really ever see a future with Ling because of all the responsibility Ling holds outside of him and its veyr tragic imo like especially because in a different scenario if Ling didnt have those responsibilities and Edward wasn’t so dedicated to the people around him to a fault of never thinking about his own desires I think they could have the possibility of a future.

Like I have read a lot of fanfiction abiut Ed traveling to Xing and living with him there but?? I realistically cant see him ever doing that just solely because Edward is not the type of person to settle down! like its my one and only criticism of the fma manga is that I cannot see Edward ever being satisfied with a simple life? Like even in Fma 03 which is my favourite interpretation of Edwards character once he gets stranded in our world he learns?? Rocket Science?? For the chance to get back to Amestris but he doesnt really seem to take that goal all that seriously especially considered Alfons ends up getting involved in a lot more aircraft projects than Edward like Edwsrd genuinely enjoys learning!!

Im pretty sure he was the one who dragged Alphonse into Hoenhiems office when they were kids after he left, probably to Al’s reluctance of if they were allowed in there, and started ripping through all of his old books just to learn. Edward never stops and it gets so bad that he never stops to even consider himself constantly worrying about getting his brother back or improving the states of others lives especially when! ya know! the whole country is at stake!!

So in a circumstance post promised day where Ed decides what he wants to do (my personal favourite interpretation is either an alchemical researcher outside of directly performing alchemy, ie revolutionizing the circle matrixes and discovering nee combinations or becoming a professor of some kind) I dont think he would give that up to settle again. And obviously Ling cant exactly up and leave being Emperor unless he decides he doesnt want to, im not the most knowledgable on Lings characterization so I wont speak there but!

They have so much fun together and compliment each other and genuinely care about each other so much but their happiness and fulfillment as people to themselves and others make it so its nearly impossible they would ever realistically end up together and its really doomed and tragic!! idk i think about it a lot.

[verdart]

I made the unfortunate decision to comment on a tiktok saying

"Blitz has every right to doubt Stolas' intentions and I will di on this hill defending Blitz"

Which made me actually realize in the context of Stolitz how much the fandom vilifies Blitz.

Upon rewatch I realized that he is actually kinda innocent lmao. So here comes the rant hop on in Verda rants at 4am again train.

The thing is first of all we need to work our media literacy muscles. So Stolas stans who think he is a uwu babygirl that dod nothing wrong repeat after me. "Blitz didn't watch "just look my way", "owl in a cage" or any other Stolas longing scene that we cried over"

Now that thats setteled I don't want to hear any "he is trying" bs because as of now (pre full moon s2e8) he hasn't actually done anything that Blitz is aware.

Lets start from the top my initial comment was about how Stolas treated him for so long before actually catching the feelings and how Blitz has a right to think he is not genuine.

Up top lest start with the condescending pet names and I won't be hearing Blitz cant be mad at that Stolas does it bc he thinks he likes it... jesus okay s2e1 when stolas starts the imp dirty talk what does blitz do a) encourage him b) get naked and dtf bc that was hot, c) shuts him up

Ding ding ding C. Stolas can still take this as bedtime play sure but we have a case for Blitz not liking it from day one. Other than that we all know he views Stolas' (perhaps in his mind endearing) pet names as condescention.

Secondly even if we ignore the power imbalance Stolas is the one to suggest the transactional fucking... s1e1 even tho in the forst time it was Blitz's doing, sorta. So don't at me saying well Blitz just uses him for the grimoire, like girly duh that was the premise. But Stolas also uses Blitz. Imo lending a book vs fucking in payment is a bot excessive but for Blitz's case beggars cant be chosers.

Now to the elephant in the room... Ozzie's. Does Blitz invite him (Stolas) purely out of selfish intentions that has nothing to do with him? Yes. Is he a dick? Yes. But Does Stolas hide his fucking face when he has a reality check? Yes. But then y'all be mad bc Blitz pulled his hand back.

That night Stolas was read once, Blitz was like at least 2 times... if we don't count the stuff for Stolas by proxy. He was having a hard night bro. And after Stolas invites him he is like no and Stolas respects that. Which if the show didn't add s2e2 in between it wouldve been a perfect stepping stool to get the Stolitz on healthy communication territory but that didn't happen.

I cannot for the life of me pin point when Stolas genuinely falls for Blitz. If its from day one damn it took him long enough to understand what he was doing was wrong.

Anyways we as fans can't be mad at Stolas because we know he is starting to understand the absolute power imbalance he created and the position he left Blitz in. He has realized that the thing is lets remember and repeat "Blitz is not watching the show with us". Blitz doesn't know of this sudden change of heart.

Now to adress a few meaningful interactions we have after ozzies. The fucking pixelated phone texts from s2 western energy.

Stolas apologizes but in that way that I look down upon. "Sorry if" like girl own it up anyways Blitz brushes it off and Stolas instead just goes hehe I didnt care either. Yall need relationship therapy my god. Important thing is Stolas was trying to reach out. But instead of going anything I said that made you upset etc he could've actually apologize properly for getting ashamed. Tho Blitz should also apologize for inviting him on a date for his own gain but thats another bag of worms I won't open tonight.

Other than that he has put off seeing him and doing the transactional fucking for a while. During those times. And as we know from all the phones Blitz breaks after talking to Stolas and hearing hus dirty talk he isn't too excited about. We don't exactly know if he comes or not on those nights. But he is also showm to be quite comfortable in s2e2 with the "my dick is good but its not that good" comment so maybe they do continue the arrangement... idk. Either way we know they haven't really talked.

All I am saying is that both parties of this ship are guilty af of hurting eachother and taking advantage of eachother. But as the power house of this power imbalance, Stolas needs to be held accountable. And he is doing that now!! Or will, in s2e8 and I can't wait to see how that goes. Overall, I can see totally why Blitz shuts down any signs that Stolas might actually be into him. He has a good bunch of reasons too. And as far as we've seen from the trailer we will get to hear him say it out loud as he should.

[jnnmclm]

Hi! I, JOANNE MACALAM is speaking up towards the infamous notorious donation scammer LAURA DERAMAS.

I am a filipina based in USA. Ive known LD through a childhood friend of mine back home.

Never met her personally. Just like all of you here I too am scammed into some sort by her. As you can see, Laura has been using me as her bank account. Zelle, Venmo, Cash App and even Paypal.

Honestly, it didn’t cross my mind that this is all just her bullshit. Growing up in the Philippines, these things could possibly happen. I started to doubt her when my paypal account was charged with $1,800.00 that was sent by a guy. I informed her about the matter and she told me that it was a guy who scammed her of paying after she sent some “photos/videos” in exchange of money. LOL now up to this day I still owe Paypal $1,800.00. Stopped doing her favors, but she kept on messaging me all the damn time. Calling me even in the middle of my work. Even at night when am already sleeping. Pleading to please do her another favor. I tried calling paypal. There is nothing I can do, I now owe $ 1,800. This girl dont take NO for an answer.

I started giving her my cash app, venmo and zelle since I cannot use my paypal anymore just so she will stop. Always saying it will be the LAST TIME. But of course its not, there is just always something going on with her life. And I keep feeling sorry for her. I can’t give her money, I dont have those. I barely make it here in America plus sending money to my family in the Philippines, supporting my siblings with school. I have 7 sibs btw and my dad has already passed so its just me and my mama. Coming from a poor family, I sympathized for her thinking that there is nothing I can lose if I help her, I can’t help her monetarily so by me being her point of access to help here in USA to Philippines is okay. It won’t hurt nobody or so I thought.

Earlier this year, there was a network outage in my state, after it was back, I can no longer use my zelle. I did not suspect that my Zelle acc was reported by some of y’all. I was thinking it was the network outage. I tried to call my bank, zelle, network provider but I cant get no answer, they keep passing me to each other, I changed my number. Same thing. I can’t use zelle. And instead of dwelling about things that are beyond my control, I just let it go. I told Laura of what happened and that I can no longer help her through Zelle. Now you might wonder, why are you still helping her? Didn’t some of you keep helping her because she just have this fucking annoying tactics that will make you fall for it. The emojis urgh! The HUHUHU every end of a sentence. I am so done with it.

I kept ignoring her, muted her. Didn’t answer to her calls. Because now she is “borrowing” money from me. I dont have money to lend. Then I got a notification of a money transfer in one of my remaining account, checked my messages and then there was her telling me someone send money to me and apologized that she didn’t asked permission. What can I do at this point? Its not my money. When I opened the app and check, with an attached note from “Tmblr”, it poked my interest. Whats in tmblr? Why does people give her money this much? The other night, I created this account and searched for her name. I swear, my yawning was replaced with cold sweat, shaking hands and anxiety. The bitch has been scamming ppl! I saw Kyra45 post about her. I reached out. And I dig deep down to all these mess. Kyra45 informed me that my name, picture even my dog and my plant business in the Philippines was used in an account. I was livid, mortified and most of all, humiliated.

Tonight, what lead me to writing this is because I searched for my name in the search engine and I was dumbfounded. As a woman who is trying to make my life better, leaving my family to provide a better life? This is too much. My trust for this lady is broken, my image is broken. My identity was stolen. She made my brother dead, my family homeless and me going back and barely afford college.

I messaged her tonight, I informed her what I found out and how disappointed and disgusted I am to her doings, making profit out of our brothers and sisters in Palestine and Gaza. This behavior has a special spot in hell.

I apologize for all of you of what Laura Deramas has caused. Unfortunately, I cant make all your money come back. I will stopped my communication with her as I dont want to be a vessel of her scams. From the bottom of my heart, I am really sorry, I should’ve known better. May this be a lesson for all of us. Continue to be compassionate to others and keep spreading kindness.

Xoxo, Joanne

[feral-cockroach]

MASSIVE TW FOR SELF HARM

ive been clean for almost a full year. maybe just over at this point, i dont know. but all (and i mean ALL) of my scars were fully healed and some were even fading into those little white lines that are barely visible on your skin.

and i relapsed tonight. ive been fighting it for weeks now but realistically i knew it was going to happen eventually. i feel so, so hopeless. nothing is working out and i cannot convince myself that things will improve. its a feat to just talk myself out of suicide every morning at this point.

im so fucking sick of everything. i mean honestly what is the point? im barely making rent, im going to lose my home in october of next year, ive got no car, no license, i can't afford groceries most of the time with absolutely no help from anyone around me. im scared. im tired and im alone.

i havent self harmed in a year or over and the worst of it was 3 years ago. except im getting back to that point i was at 3 years ago and i cant afford institutionalisation again. even if i could i dont want to go back. they held me for a week and then gave me a caretaker and then took away my caretaker when i turned 18 and then when i found myself a new therapist they completely cancelled my insurance with no warning and then denied me when i tried to reapply. ive been without insurance for a year in march.

im fucking terrified and i hate it here and i cannot do this shit much longer. i just cant. i dont know how much more fear and paranoia and justified upset one guy can fucking take !!!!

i just wish my father hadnt stalked and coerced my mom and i wish my moms mom wasnt such a pro life piece of shit and i wish my mom hadnt developed such an attachment to her abuser to convince herself that having a child was a good idea and i ESPECIALLY wish that my mom hadnt completely discarded me when we left my father and then immediately started dating new men every fucking week my whole life ive never known her to be single

and i love my mom !!!! but my mom does NOT love herself !!!!! and my mom HAS TO HAVE validation from men !!!!! and ive spent the past FOUR YEARS trying to have a relationship with her and she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and it SUCKS !!!!

it sucks so fuckinf much that EVERY SINFLE PERSON involved in bringing me into this SHITHOLE wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME because i didnt end up how THEY WANTED ME because GOD FORBID I BE FUCKINF TRAUMATISED BY WHAT THEY ALL PUT ME THROUGH.

and im so , so angry. and scared. im so scared. im not sure when im going to kms but honestly, if i look to the future, thats all i see. thats all i have ever seen since i was 12 years old when i first self harmed. thats almost an entire decade of self harm. and i was convinced i wouldnt hit 16 or 18 or 21 and im about to hit 21 and every year it was "if i make it to [16/18/21] i wont make it to 30" and here i am at 21 and you know what

i wont. i dont think im going to make it to 30. by my own hand or my fathers or capitalisms i dojt fucking know but i will not live to see 30. i am certain

and it is the only thing i have ever been certain about my entire life.

[aajjks]

tc koo oh i will make sure everyone knows you’re mine. that, i swear on. right near your heart? hm.. i do like that idea. my name protecting what beats for me. oh god yes, i wanna be covered in nothing but your marks.. all i can imagine is how good you’d be to me when i let you mark my skin with your love.. yes a janitor baby.. i’d like to let him know to clean it up before it gets to late, you know how i feel about letting things sit for to long.. i was cooking for you my love but i cooked for you after i painted.. i don’t want you touching the paint i left behind my baby.. not even the paint is worthy of your touch, only me. oh baby, i told you they was messy canvas. i wanted it to be a surprise for you but.. i’m not proud of it, not just yet.. lemme work on it and then i’ll show you, okay? maybe when i feel more confident we’ll paint together, l.. that’s something i’ve been wanting to do with you for some time now but i’ve had second thoughts.. just lemme practice and we’ll have a little painting date, yeah? gimme a kiss you handsome devil! oh god.. i just want to do the absolute naughtiest things to you.. but i need to go real quick, okay? no baby, you know how much i hate messes! if i don’t have him clean it now it’s all i’m gonna think about.. oh no no no, i put a lot of work into making your food and you’ve been up here all day my love. you haven’t ate anything have you? don’t lie to me jungkook. as your wife it’s my job to make sure all of your needs are met. starting with the most important. food! i can feel you baby.. i know it hurts but you gotta eat first. food is one of the most important things a human needs.. how will you be able to keep up with me tonight if you don’t have something to eat that’ll keep your energy up? ah! jungkook! you’re gonna pick up all those papers before you get to be inside me. tell you what.. lemme go do what i gotta do really quick while you pick up your papers! and we’ll have sex right here in your office before we go and eat dinner, okay? i’ll late you do whatever you want but you’re gonna clean this up first my love

“That excites me you know, a lot of people in the palace think that you don’t love me, your marks will let them know that you love and only me, oh yn then you should do it tonight, carve your name into my skin, oh I cannot wait…. Yes my heart only beats for you. And I want to mark you up too. Dongmin really thought that he could have you and now he’s rotting in the dungeon.. yn I don’t like this, I’m not a patient man, I don’t understand why you’re so bothered about the mess.. you’re not hiding anything are you? D-Do you plan to leave me? Oh my God…. You’re going to run away aren’t you, I WONT LET YOU- y-yn please.. if you really want to leave, take me with you! WHY CANT I COME WITH YOU?!? Oh I’ll teach you how to paint, my mother taught me… I’ll teach you. You want a kiss, I’ll give you a good kiss. Yn…. You’re so stubborn you know that? Can’t you make it quick? Oh my baby… you must’ve put a lot of effort into making it for me… yes…. You’re my wife…. I can’t get enough of you saying it…. You take such good care of me…. Yes I want to have stamina for you… you’re right I need to eat so I can please you right…come eat with me…. You’ve been so distracted these days yn, always running away, what’s gotten you so busy? NOOO- I-I mean okay… I’ll pick them up- see? REALLY? okay…. I trust you… but please don’t leave me…”

[gemsofthegalaxy]

Its almost 230 so i need to go to bed hnnngg but last post for tonight

In all honesty i cannot for the life of me remember A) the first version of "The Rape of Persephone" i ever heard/read OR b) why I have always been drawn to her so much,

Because, like, in revisiting Lore Olypmus, i have reread the translations of some of the oldest versions of the Kidnapping story as well as learned that there are texts that reference Persephone as the Queen of The Underworld before the earliest version of the Kidnapping Story,

And people talk a lot of shit about the girlbossification and romanticization of the specific story "The Rape of Persephone". but others still also explain it like,

With Persephone being the Queen of the Underworld and by many accounts just as badass and important as Hades, the two of can, in the grand scheme of things, come across as a cool and fairly equal (not to mention #aesthetic pastel goth) couple.

And as for myself.... i Don't know if I knew that?? When i was drawn to Persephone? But again I cant for the life of me remember the version of the story I actually heard! I wish I could!!

I think, if anything, the idea of a floral, spring Goddess being drawn into the Underworld and staying with a King of Darkness type was probably by default appealing to me as a teenager. I mean, I did read and enjoy twilight (before swiftly turning into one of those "do you know how many red flags of abuse Edward Cullen exhibits" types which. I mean. Like true but whatever).

I find it extra funny because, for some reason, i am under the impression I am not the only one who had this experience with Persephone specifically. Like, I can't be, because we DO have this nebulous idea of her as a badass death/flower lady, Queen of Darkness and Spring, etcetc. And the reimagining of her as a willingly eating the pomegrante or even just Going With Hades definitely exists tho, again I can't remember ever reading that straight up? Maybe all these ideas got culturally osmosis'd in me before I even really knew her?

Or maybe Persephone herself was like "hey girl. You're gonna love me for no reason 😘 enjoy the several years going by before you figure out youre bisexual!"

[rankuros]

sorry tumblr gets all my dumb crybaby stuff, in my defense i am a dumb crybaby and it's been a long day

i cant say going to pride today was a net positive for my mental health. i am REALLY feeling fraudulent. like there was a sign flashing on my head all day that said FAKER FAKER FAKER. i guess because this is the first year i've gone since putting myself back in a different closet than the one i originally came out of, but i haven't told anyone that and i'm not identifiably different so i'm lying by omission. it's always lots of talk about loving each other and being who you are etc but those are things i only feel other people are deserving of. i am a liar and an attention whore and deeply fundamentally unloveable anyway so i did NOT feel like i belonged there today in the way other people did

my friend was emcee-ing the drag shows and came over afterwards to say hi. the kind of hi where they crash in and call you a bitch for not saying you were going to be there and then kiss you on the forehead. part of his talk was about being trans and he kind of cut it off like "i could talk y'all's ears off for an hour about my gender journey" so in my infinite fucking stupidity and the post-drag-show high of, you know, who you are is good enough and who you are is worthy of love, i said hey i want to talk to you sometime, i'll shoot you a message if that's okay? i am so mad at myself for it. do i really think i'm gonna try to talk about it? i'm gonna try to talk about gender with my trans friend HAHAHA forget it fucking forget it.

and yet i think he would hear me out and i think i would be safe and maybe i could just say i am struggling and fully preoccupied and unable to think about anything else and i don't know where to start or which way is up at all, what was it like for you? i think that would be okay...

but if i tell anyone then i am DEFINITELY just looking for attention. i need to have proof to defend myself with before i can tell anyone...but i need to sort it out and i want support. i do. i think i do want attention because it is so lonely and terrifying to try to do it all by myself. what is the difference between wanting attention in a bad way and wanting support in a human way? i don't know i can't tell because everything about me is bad by default

ugh and the main speaker had a lot of really good things to say such as "i'm a trans man who thought he was a lesbian for a decade" (is this genuinely a pipeline bc it really sounds like it's a pipeline) and "there is still someone out there tonight who thinks they're better off dead than being who they are" (hi that's me i feel so so so stuck and i cannot see a way out and i want it to go away)

and then one of the drag performers likes to ask everyone to introduce themselves to a stranger and i just. god the mental image was so vivid you know? i could have told a stranger. you might imagine i didn't do that because it would have been the first time i've ever said it out loud

i'm crying and i don't want to be stuffy bc piercing so i have to stop talking and distract myself now. i had a lot more to get out but it's all too jumbled. i just feel like such hot garbage. i'm so stupid all of the time i should not be struggling so hard with this. i want to just go back to repressing it. i think that was so much easier and i didn't even appreciate my ignorance, take me back there

[the-firebird69]

Glass Animals - Heat Waves (Official Video)

he uses his products yes a gorrilla wagon works ok. and wieghty stuff. now this is a simbol and evil to us and tohers.  we hit him nnow.  and he is a prick all day all ngiht wont do the job no will to threaten. they are out shortly. dead.  and he wont stop they all wont.  but he is worse needs it and wont stop is a tard and does not see it. wont.  now he is done for.  tonight he goe to this location.  and they braodcst it.  and he dances and says it  i am a dead man they all say it and him due to it prob cnt stop. hates me and my actions.  and im squcshed cant stop it.  wont. nope.  and then this i die yooudie to our son nothanks loser you  die now.  and he stop no no wont do an i cant say it and then this o ut now garth youfn fag.  i get it yoouneeed to die are spent.  and thats what it is.  fn fag and he lets out a  yell. no.  ad y eh fag.  go die working for me you louse traiter to yours.  he smiles and says ok that is it isnt it. yeh.  dumb.  

Zues Hera

mostly them an yes us too

Thor Freya

we see it this dummy think i cannot remember my satment and he is an animal. hate him. always have. a loser too. mostly a fag. we hit him for the car thing too.. and much much more. he has to go wont cut a check eve needs out. is gone too mostly. an tons say it they need to see us forget stuff. he is an awful p erson but deserves thisa nd yes a partial from hm you say an well ok i recalled it and told well yousay what it is and stuff wont recall this at all even when questioned  your spent garth and sister. gonzo. spent the night in the dumbpster ad as payment for la and the dumpster scenes. you had the girl do it you blow and are nthing dont do a thing allday are an ugly person too mean and nasty and useless. out shortly for real dead good.

Nuada Arrianna

it is close now garth to you. death. comes for you.  and yoru head too.  tons of it no what is left then out.  we planned it do it.  he helped knew it too. knows it.  your trash.  you go up and die. off planet nope not even. iceland and you dont belong there too cold.  got o you soon. a few moveis to help out then out. and yes warrants are on you and the ohters of your race here. tons nope. a few.  but you are houned when here. tons of times they call you on your phone to locate you. and the two saw it too. and more now.  twenty times an hour.  and pour in hit yours. soon out. your filth stole tons and hid with africans as protectointhey usted you and yoru doone you know it say it. we help get rid of you ok don t worry and you are a blaspheme losr. kept him poor too  for an ahole plan with no meaning.  nope your samuel l jackson.  dies iin star wars. and yeh in all your movies.  forest gumps bud dies.  and tons of times. dies ni predator heaad blown open. and no not your sister. she died earlier for real fully.  and in a different flick no. dies there. is skinned. and you saw her and freakedo ut seek the thing.  coming up.  and debrained.  and no not a person. ok. trump. and tons see it no. atches a head. well ok a mask.  and this is it you say...we say this he is mutated badly and it is true.  kills her takes  her brain out but it is stored.  whats left.  more ok.  dies on the walkway bja and you say no.  she fell into wter...true too.  in africa ok true story.  did die there.  and we know why. it is macs ok.

Gu Oya

Thor Freya

i heard this no no not there we used him for stuff and  i see it not those words no searious stuff ok

trump

Olympus

[cleverblogurlhere]

he thinks hes so emotionally mature and that he knows best for you and hes constantly having to save face or keep the peace or whatever all of which being things nobody asked if him and are actively detrimental to the situation

like you arent being more mature or whatever youre appeasing youre fawning youre allowing her to feel justified in her psycho behavior and youre feeding back into this insane loop and its clearly killing your partner

and i know i have a tendency to want to be a caretaker and a problem solver and whatever. like i fully get it. but im not going to do that here because its bad for me and because nobody in the situation even wants me to caretake. and i have the ability to recognize when my internal incessant need to fix everything and make it all okay is detrimental to the overall health and well-being of those around me and im not going to do unsolicited peacekeeping and then proceed to get upset when the people around me are not trying to do the same thing. im not going to fawn over a situation and then be hurt when the person who is in the middle of it, who is actively dealing with it, doesnt want to fucking do that. because it isnt fucking about me or how i feel. i wont keep forcibly putting my partner back into a position where he will continue to be abused by his psychotic mother who has literally threatened his life before. if he wants to "fight back" (hardly - none of his reactions have been anything remotely as vitriolic as what she has been spitting this entire time, and hes the CHILD. she is the MOTHER. even if he was telling her to kill herself, he wouldnt be in the wrong to do so.), thats his decision to make and im here to help him move forwards from whatever he ends up choosing. if it were up to me id want him to tell her wed love to see her skull bounce against the concrete, blood pooling under her as we kick her fucking ribs in. but im not telling him to do that. im not telling him what to do or how to react and im CERTAINLY not telling him he needs to cool it or tone it down or anything like that. hes dealt with twenty three fucking years of it. he has every right in the world to tell her i wish youd eat this curb while i stomp your head in. like i cannot fucking imagine listening to my partner describe what it was like as a kid with her and watching him be treated like this in real time and then somehow coming to the conclusion that hes in the wrong and that he needs to stop reacting or responding in very mildly confrontational ways.

it sometimes seems like he doesnt ... value or trust the feelings he has about anything. he can react whatever fucking way he wants or needs to in this situation and it isnt yours to try to control or change, and it certainly isnt about how you feel. or like he will directly explicitly say i dont want to talk about this with other people and he just . doesnt seem to care at all. oh you expressly said i dont want to talk about the situation with my mom when we go out tonight? what if i bring it up repeatedly!

and im the only one who can see any of this. because he cant. he is too deeply entwined with him and he cant imagine a life without him or a way to get to that if either of them needed it so he has to be okay with it and he has to deal with it and nobody else is involved in all of this enough to know.

last night when you were talking about how you have to stop whatever youre doing or texting whoever youre messaging so you can pretend to pay attention to whatevers happening in his game. i know theres more to a relationship than these things and its not the end all be all if your interests dont perfectly overlap at every turn but you seem so despondent and like ... sometimes it seems like you really dont even like spending time with him

like it just seems like in so many ways you two are just completely different people with completely different ideals and wants in life and the only things you really share are eight years of history and a crippling fear of being alone.

[talesofthewonderingfool]

Gotta be independent too make grown moves but i dont know if im still suffering ptsd from heartbreak and depression too move on in my own mental stableness as a person , and it scares me too even think about even being happy . Like yes…i can be a clown , the funny guy but it has another side were i cannot get over this mental hump thay im going through right now .And I seem too have backflashes of instances of what my goal was supposed too be . Just sitting silent planning fake scenarios in my head going Through the multiverse back in my mind as that character . And tbh its been SOOOOO many times i had failed my own chances with connections that were not good for me , even though i started catching feels too quickly and paying the price. and i just feel like im being boxed in and not being able too be let out . And tbh Am i just laggin like this all the times doing DDS (dions dumb shit) , do i try evolve from this…but all the time im seeing people already evolved in there own lives where they are great people and I love it for them but here i am and im still stuck here at the beginning again , like turtle and the hare but the rabbits won the race instead . I wanna be first but still be able too be myself for the things ive influenced too be in that position. Have i earned it ? I dont know…but i gotta figure out how too earn my own love and then love someone else . Like for instance Do i introduce a new girl of somesort too my family or even somewhat of you call side and that will be the be all end all ? Multiverse me would love too go in between times and see if i could correct those lil things and see what kind of man i become if this or that happened , like where would life had taken me too this and that you know . In my honest opinion in airing my life I fuckin hate being unlucky but im gifted with misfortune more than the blessings i have in life . And as a virgo it eats at me inside because i want too be perfect and in this cruel world im not allowed too cry , as a man i cant do this , be that and i feel like ive accomplished some things that dont fit a narrative of a brown boy that has trauma . I have real issue that starting too eat away at me and so far drugs have been my crux in escaping reality….like tonight . An old get together happened with friends but it was the first time we were missing was kodi was a friend who took his own life .Tonight tho I could feel his energy here with us….he shouldve been here with us . Good ol times reminiscing “ oh yup * hands the note * ”

[theluxuriansecret]

04062023

2:14 pm

I honestly have so much anxiety right now and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with all the coffee that I've drank today. I have so much work to do, I need to apply to my internships tomorrow, I need to finish a case analysis study tonight. I have a lot going on. But I think I more so have anxiety because of the guy I'm dating.

The last two nights he's kinda been distant idk. Like, the night before last he said he would take a nap around 5 and then I didn't hear from him until the next day. And then yesterday he called me 11:30 and I asked him if he wanted to shower with me (watch me shower otp) and he said yes.. and then two minutes later was like I'm gonna go to bed. I want to attribute it with the fact that he was high, but at the same time I don't like any of this or how it's making me feel. I need to be told, "i'm busy" or "i'm going to be busy" i need that type of reassurance and I feel like I have already communicated that and I'm not receiving it. I understand that he has a job and a life, and all those great things I'm working towards but I do not do well left in the dark.

We have a date coming up on Saturday and I'm hoping it goes well because I really miss him and I wanna see him. I am honestly kinda nervous that I'm losing myself or if I'm just having a stagnant off within myself again. Im hoping its the second thing. I'm struggling with being able to do my school work. I cannot sit down and just do it. I even try ti romanticse it but I cant. I've been dressing up to feel good but its not making me feel better. I haven't been working out. I'm currently ovulating. I'm a fucking mess right now.

BUT I WILL PERSEVERE

[rollupdemfeelz]

Today.

Today is like yesterday. 

Yesterday is like last week. 

Last week is like today.... All this shit is the same. 

But why? It’s because this isn’t my life that I’m living so whatever I go through doesn’t stick to my person. 

Idk where I am and where I lost her at but I my spirit finds me soon. Please come back and save me from this misery. I don’t know where I am. I’ve been looking for you for almost a full year now. 

PLEASE! TAKE ME HOME. 

The lights, I cant see them. The music, birds, chatter, background noise is silent to me. I just see darkness at the end of my tunnel. I have tried and tried. I’m lst and no longer know what to do. 

But, who really cares honestly? They say they do, but they don’t and sometimes that’s all a mf need is to be understood. 

You ever reach for your pockets and your phone or wallet is missing and your heart drops. You cannot focus on anything until you find your belongings.

Have you ever walked into a room and forget what you were looking for? The only thing you can do is accept that you forgot and move on and hopefully you will remember later.

Put those perspectives into life form. I’m waiting to feel better and I’m “looking” for me and will only feel better once I find her. 

I am so defeated every other month. I have tapped myself out dry. The light to the end of the tunnel cut off. I just don’t see myself changing or me getting fully better. 

That means no consistent job, no money, no confidence, no nothing.

It matters now, but tonight it won’t because this isn’t even my life and nothing sticks. So, I’ll be upset until I detach again emotionally. 

CHAO.. 

[cornflowercanine]

man it doesnt matter if ive 833n thinking a8t it for 2 seconds or 7 hours the first step and/or the most crucial part to 8eing happier is 8e. kind. to. yourself. if youre like in ur early t33ns or just went through/are going through Some Shit it f33ls very satisfying and valid8ing and Like Something to 8eat yourself up over everything and it can 8ecome a ha8it so so so fucking fast if everything else already sucks 8ut ohhhhhhhhh my god. even if the only thing you do is mentally say to yourself ‘i look good in this shirt’ or ‘that was a nice thing to say to them’ or ‘im glad i got myself food’ Once A Day it will make so so so much difference you cannot IMAGINE