#i completely get wanting to filter stuff like this so if anyone wants any additional tags just let me know

[phynali]

Tumblr tip sheet for twitter refugees

i’ve seen a lot of different advice posts but none that had what i consider all the key advice in one spot, so here we are. long post ahead.

-

1. your dash can be put into reverse chronological order and it is a BETTER experience if you do that

Go to your settings -> Dashboard -> Preference

Turn “Best Stuff First” OFF

2. you can (and likely should!) turn off algorithmic content

Under the same menu. Settings -> Dashboard -> Preferences

There are two algorithms on tumblr.

One is “In your orbit” and I fucking hate it. i want to see the content that I like, not that some random person i follow likes. if i wanted to see that content on my dash, i’d follow the people who put it there.

The other is “based on your likes” and it is hilariously bad because if you like a post for something you don’t normally like or follow (e.g., when I watched a new movie and liked one post about it), you’ll suddenly get a dozen posts about that thing and only that thing.

I keep it on because it’s hilariously bad, but i honestly recommend turning it off. it routinely recommends shit to me that i hate and i have to keep telling it that i am “not interested in this post” for things tagged with my nOTP, but until / unless i filter that ship tag out entirely, i will keep being serviced those

3. filtering / blacklisting is your friend

this is true on every platform, not just tumblr. i’m sure veteran twitter users are well-versed in it, but just as a reminder. you will be expected to filter your own content/dash here on tumblr, and if you complain about seeing something that was properly tagged, you will be rightly mocked as a clown.

Settings -> Account -> Content You See

you can filter both tags and post content. There’s a completely innocuous post i absolutely hate that does rounds and is never tagged, and i almost unfollowed a mutual for how much i hate that post and them reblogging it so much. but i typed a specific sentence from that post into the “filtered post content” options and BOOM - haven’t seen it since. glorious.

4. content controls are your friend

under the same “Content You See” menu. You are automatically opted OUT of seeing this stuff, so you MUST opt in to see mature content.

you’ll want to determine your own preferences, but i prefer to see all of the mature content types that may be hit with a community label.

5. long posts are (probably) your friend

tumblr cuts posts over a few lines if you have this turned off, and it’s really annoying and really truncates your experience of the website. THIS is itself a long post!

part of the quintessential tumblr experience is being annoyed by the “do you love the color of the sky” post.

seriously, this isn’t twitter. we aren’t here for 280 character bite-sized posts. i 10/10 recommend keeping long posts on.

Settings -> Dashboard -> Interface

6. blog-specific settings

there is also a menu for additional settings (including updating the appearance etc) for each blog you have (your main, and any sideblogs).

this is near the end of your options under Settings -> Blog Settings (click the individual blog to update)

under your blog settings you can...

- enable your custom theme (which you should! this is turned off for new users but personalizing your page is part of the experience)

- decide if you want people to know what posts you’re liking and who you’re following. i do NOT, so these are off. internet privacy is allowed on tumblr, and don’t let anyone bully you into thinking you need to make everything public for their supervision. consume all the problematic content your little gremlin content desires and tell people to fuck off if they take issue with that.

- determine if and how others can interact with your blog!! there some settings about asks, messaging, tipping (if you’re here to make $$), whether people can even SEE your blog, if it’s searchable, etc. tumblr gives power and control back to the users! use that power!

here, you can specifically set your “Ask” preferences to on or off, and to accept or NOT accept asks from anonymous users / logged out users.

if you’re here to interact with friends or just vibe, or don’t reblog a lot of asks games or encourage anon inbox messages, and/or especially if you’re getting harasment and don’t want to deal with shitty users, it is okay to turn off anons, and i ENCOURAGE you to do so.

i keep it on for my fandom sideblogs and off for my main and this makes me happy. do what makes you happy.

7. etiquette and interface

- change your icon so no one thinks you’re a bot

- reblog posts so your account isn’t empty. also, with  algorithmic content turned off by most users, YOU are the algorithm, and interaction on this website is strongly encouraged. making or reblogging posts part of the experience and sort of the whole point

- reblog tagging: individual preferences apply. instead of adding a comment on a reblog, users will often add their thoughts in a tag, if they aren’t specifically looking to engage in a dialogue or add on to the post itself. other users can then decide to copy their tags (often with “prev” for “previous” appended) or even copy/paste them into a comment on their reblog, which is your tags “passing peer review”. people also tag to index posts so their blog is more searchable, and to include trigger warnings and content warnings related to a post. you can also choose to not tag anything. it’s your blog, do what you want.

- tags are how people find new content. if you make a new post and want people to find it, they will be searching the tag related to that content, so tag it accordingly. people can also follow tags and get notifications when new posts are made into that tag.

- do not censor words! this isn’t tiktok or twitter. we say ‘fuck’ and ‘kill’ here. if you write “unalive” or censor swears or triggers, people’s content filters do not work, and you will have undermined their ability to curate their content, moderate their experience, and avoid triggers. don’t do that. just spell out the whole goddamn word, please.

- you can make sideblogs under a single account! this means you have your main, which you interact (like, reply, and follow) from, but which can be used to have a space for all your posts and reblogs on a given topic (fandom, hobby, fixation, whatever). you can also direct message to/from a sideblog and accept asks etc.

- if you use tumblr in your browser, there is an add-on called XKIT. this used to be a tumblr user staple and allowed for a lot of functionality that tumblr didn’t used to have. tumblr has since very much upped their game, but it can still be worth using XKIT if you’re regularly in a browser and not on the app. for example, it includes some ad-blocking capabilities. I use “New Xkit” and have a few personalized settings with it.

- posts go around forever on this site and new memes crop up every day, retreat, and then resurge out of the blue randomly. this makes for tumblr-wide in-jokes that circulate for years, like “do you love the color of the sky” and the “color theory children’s hospital” post. if you don’t get these, you can ask and i’m sure tumblr will deliver, but you can also wait around and follow more people and these will turn up eventually.

- your dash is what you make it. your interaction is what you make it. you have control, you are not at the mercy of algorithms and advertisers if you don’t want to be. paying for ad-free browsing is an option. they even give you the option to toggled your ad settings within ad-free browsing. seriously - you. have. the. control.

this is something that we love about tumblr and one of the things that makes it our hellsite (affectionate) instead of our hellsite (derogatory). if you’re finding your experience to be negative but still want to stick around, i encourage you to block accounts or content that makes you unhappy or anxious, to follow the accounts that bring you joy, and to adjust your settings into whatever makes you happiest and least stressed out.

[stormblessed95]

How to search some specific genre fics on ao3 ? Like do we put the genre on Google or should put that on ao3 and we'll get? I mean idk exactly what are the things we should use to describe or find specific genre fics on ao3, idk how it works sorry, so if you can just tell me how to search that wil be helpful..

I'm okay with doing a quick little AO3 tags lesson! I'm on mobile for now though, so that's what you are getting.

So idk if there are better ways, but I normally start with the fandom (unless you are searching more specifically off the bat, but I like browsing and seeing what catches my eye.) So for this example, let's say the MDZS fandom is what we are searching in as that's the fandom sandbox that has been the subject of my hyper fixation for a while now! So either find while already in AO3 or just type "x fandom AO3" into Google too, that would work just fine lol. Than once in the fandom tag, click "filters"

Once in filters, you'll see a bunch of options, the ones you probably want to use first for "genre" type stuff is the relationships, other tags and sort by. Those are the ones I use most anyway

Under relationships click the pairing you want to read about (if you are searching under BTS, you'd click "Jeon Jungkook/Park Jimin" if you want Jikook fics) and then you could also type in under other tags which type of story you are looking for. And then I always sort by kudos to get the highest rated fics at the top....

So let's do wangxian as my pairing....

Then I can figure out what type of vibe of story I might want.... Like if I wanted an AU, it would give suggestions as I type too....

Or a fix it....

Or time travel....

Plus the additional tags gives some of the most popular tags in the fandom we are under currently that get used.... You can check off any of those....

You can also check the other filters to narrow things down further, like if you want completed fics only. The type of relationship (m/m, m/f, f/f, etc), the rating (explicit to general), you can also check off if you want to exclude anything. So if you really don't want to read about a certain tag or relationship, exclude it and any fics with that in it won't show up in your search.

So if I just said I want a Wangxian fic that's in a modern university setting... I can put that into the filters, sort by kudos.... And it'll just give me pages of fics I can scroll through till I find a description/summary that appeals to me lol

(and in case anyone was wondering, the first two fics are hilarious and adorable and I plan to read ride a socialist now lol)

If this was NOT helpful, tell me and I'll try to do better. Lmao or if you need help finding something specific let me know and I'll do my best!

Thanks for asking!

[the-resurrection-3d]

Fic writer questions: 2, 4 (you choose fic), 9, 41, 48, 49

Sorry this took so long! TW: rape mentions.

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

Post-Canon (16/81 Fics), Fluff (13/81), Hurt/Comfort (10/81), Aged-Up Character(s) (7/81), and Angst (6/81).

I think this is more indicative of me under-tagging certain things. Like, "you're a crisis of my faith" isn't tagged for angst despite being a fic entirely about rape trauma. With Fluff, though, it's just... harder to think of tags that fit. Do I really need to tag hugging and cuddling and pet names? Arguably yes, but you can also file all of that under "fluff" and everyone still knows what you mean.

4. What detail in [insert fic] are you really proud of?

Speaking of YACOMF, I really like the opening lines,

And here is where it ends: face down on a grave while Belos fucks her like a dog. The words and the pain and the weak little Palisman squeaks are all distant, but the smell of hairspray and glue is louder than God.

I wanted to emphasize how Luz is trying to distance herself from what's happening, hence also lines like "Her body only her hands in the dirt and her face in the wig her mother had bought for her off the internet." I really wanted to have some kind of focus on the mundane externalities and not so much on the actual physical feeling of what's happening to her, mostly because I'm honestly very, very tired of fics that try to present rape for horror yet write it in the exact same way someone would write it for smut, with the same blow-by-blow voyeurism. I'm not upset at anyone who does this, and I understand the larger reasons why it happens, but if I can be completely honest, it's fucking boring to me at this point. As soon as the scene starts I know literally everything that is going to happen, right down to the word choices. Why is this scene 5,000 words again? They got raped and got a bit of a boner and now they're sad and confused. Let's move on.

Arguably, I didn't do enough, and I'm not trying to act like I'm some masterful writer breaking new ground, but I do think having more particular, mundane details adds more to the horror than the blood and guts. A lot of my horror writing is informed by this idea of "going cold," which Dylan Landis did a great write-up on for Brevity. (Tw: csa, rape, suicide.)

9. How do you find new fic to read?

Y'all can read?

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.”

Several fics have been pretty influential on my writing style: the biggest ones I keep consciously returning to are "could not erase it" by Kali Cephirot, which I've used as inspiration for both el dickchompo three and a published essay of mine, and Eden by obsessmuch, which I constantly plagari--- I MEAN, embed references to in my works. The "louder than God" phrase in "you're a crisis of my faith"? You guessed it.

48. What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

According to my ao3 history, basically all the fics I've read this last six months are trash-tier porn fics that I don't even actually "read," but pick apart and use as a base for me to then paint over with the characters I'm actually interested in. "Textual poaching" at its most literal. There's no point linking any because they're all bad and I'm only """"""reading""""" them because my growing taste for extreme kinks means the amount of good fic available to me is constantly shrinking. Most people can't even get gangbangs right! I live in Hell.

That being said, Rodion @lukebeartoe is writing a [REDACTED] for the tennis team AU and every time he shares a snippet it makes me want to bite things. He writes good stuff! Sometimes without even mentioning Nick!

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

Well, last night I wrote some Nickberto, but that's for a personal AU and thus will make literally no sense to all but a select few of you. since we've talked about "crisis" so much, I might as well share what I have written of Part 2:

Flapjack gives himself for Hunter’s chance at a better ending. That part always stays the same. What’s different now are the eyes staring back at her, one brown and one hollowed out. What’s different now is the twist of guilt in her chest like a knife—no, a sword—no, a black hole that will make the sun rising tomorrow feel obscene. What’s different now is that her mother and her girlfriend and her friends all arrive and can see that she’s forgotten to tuck Hunter’s cock back into his pants.

Ask me questions about my fics!

[shihalyfie]

I’m a diehard 02 fan who does not want a reboot and never wanted a reboot, and here’s why

This is one of my few editorial-esque pieces, but this is something some friends and I have been discussing for a while, and given what’s going on right now, I feel like this needs to be said at some point.

Sometimes I feel like there’s a really massive gap between what 02 fans want (especially diehard ones) and what people think 02 fans want. I'm not saying that media should only be catering to hardcore fans, and if more casual fans of 02 or people who simply just happen to have a stake in the full franchise have their own opinions on what they wanted to see out of 02-related media, that’s perfectly fine, and they have a right to have those expectations. What I’m mainly writing this about is sentiments that talk about how Toei is apparently doing 02 a disservice or sweeping it under the bus by not rebooting it (which basically comes with an implication that giving it respect would mandate it being rebooted just because Adventure was), or talking about how doing a reboot would please 02 fans just by giving their favorite characters more rep. (Although, I suppose the simultaneous reveal of an actual 02-related movie kind of killed any grounds for claiming that the lack of a 02 reboot meant sidelining 02. You can’t really claim that they’re sidelining 02 when they’re making a whole movie, after all...)

Of course, I don’t claim to speak for every single 02 fan out there (so if you’re a 02 fan who doesn’t agree with anything I’m about to say, I apologize and hope I don’t sound presumptuous), and I highly doubt I represent the mainstream, but I felt I should input my perspective as a 02 fan who’s friends with a handful of other 02 fans, who have discussed this extensively and all have the same feelings on the topic, and why it’s kind of frustrating to keep hearing this kind of thing from people who assume that all fans of something should want to see more things that resemble them by default without any more nuance to it.

It won’t actually improve much that’s worth it

I’m going to be blunt about it: I think more people who supposedly want this 02 reboot are people who hate or dislike 02 than people who actually are fans of the series, because they’re doing this under the sentiment that “this was a bad series, so a redo would improve it.” You can especially tell because a lot of people acting like a reboot is in 02′s best interest are the same people being scathingly critical of the current Adventure: reboot right now, so you can see that this kind of mentality comes from people who clearly understand that a reboot won’t necessarily be something everyone likes all that much, and thus believe 02 is so unsalvageably bad that you couldn’t possibly make it worse. So you can probably understand why I’m not exactly patient with this kind of take.

If we are to be charitable, though -- if this sentiment comes out of a genuine feeling that 02 had missed potential that could be addressed by the reboot -- I want to ask everyone if they really believe that this theoretical reboot would be a net improvement, especially one that’s worth all the time and effort involved, and even more especially given the writing style that the current Adventure: reboot is employing. You don’t have to claim it’s a perfect series or anything to understand the sentiment that it held up enough by itself to not necessitate a whole anime series being made to do another take on it.

Something I would like to remind people who love to claim that 02 is such a despised series is that it made around 89% of Adventure’s revenue at the time it aired, and despite those who despise 02 being very vocal on the Internet, the actual mainstream tends to be very positive about it, especially in terms of anything to do with Ken (whom most reasonable people will agree had a character arc that deserves acclaim). So in other words, if you want to do a reboot, most likely you would want to do it without offending the base that likes the series already, right? (Especially since, you know, recent events have proven that upsetting the real-life 02 fanbase is actually a pretty inadvisable idea...)

Here’s the thing: Once you filter out most of the “scapegoat” reasons people tend to criticize 02, the one that’s generally the most agreed upon is how disorganized the plot gets in the second half. So this so-called ideal situation reboot would supposedly iron out all of the messy plot writing and make use of the “wasted potential” the series had -- but 02 was way more than just a narrative storyline with characters walking around in it, and when it comes to the reasons people were so drawn to it, they’re tied to the series themes about regrets and making up for the past, and about the unreasonable pressures that society places on children. That, and also the most important one, the central theme of human relationships, and the charismatic and well-developed (yes, really) characters. The so-called “messier” second half of 02 was full of payoff for a lot of what was set up in the first half in regards to its themes, and a lot of its subplots or character flairs are packed in really small nuances that are easy to miss on the first watch.

What this means is that 02 is a series that works off of a lot of delicate balances. Adventure could be “rebooted” because everything was very clear-cut and straightforward, which meant that you could change almost everything about the plot and still relatively adhere to the primary points of “kids gain self-awareness through a journey in another world”. (Like, I really hate to break it to those who put Adventure on a pedestal, but this is mainly possible because Adventure doesn’t really have much of a plot besides “defeat enemy” followed by “defeat bigger enemy”...) In the case of 02, everything regarding the story is, for better or for worse, much more deeply tied to the plot, the narrative behind the Kaiser and the traces of psychological horror laced into everything, and the second-half evolution mechanic, Jogress, has a lot to do with the developments related to the human relationships narrative. Moreover, a lot of the reasons that people call it “bad” for are deeply tied to the exact same reasons a lot of people like it -- that its takes on certain topics were heavily nuanced and unconventional, meaning it could cover ground that most media wouldn’t go anywhere near -- and so the series loses too much of its identity if those aspects are removed, even if it ostensibly seems like “streamlining” it.

So if you mess with one thing, a lot of it falls apart -- and in fact, considering the writing style that the Adventure: reboot is using right now, it’s hard to imagine that applying it to 02 would make it any better. Actually, it seems like it wouldn’t address any of the grievances anyone has with it to any substantial degree, and it’d be more likely to axe all of the stuff that were integral to 02′s identity, like the social commentary, or the heavy focus on human relationships, or the unusual sort of character nuance it employed, and...basically, we go back to the same question: is this actually worth it?

02 itself was about not having this kind of sentiment

The main reason most 02 fans get upset about the 02 characters not being included in Adventure canon-related things that should rightfully include them is that, quite simply, they’re part of the canon! In fact, most 02 fans like Adventure too, so they like the way 02 built on Adventure’s worldbuilding, and moreover they’re attached to the web of relationships between the Adventure and 02 groups -- 02′s additions to Adventure’s worldbuilding and the nature of what it established around the neighborhoods of Odaiba and Tamachi were not only added on but also deeply entangled with what was established before, so you can’t just act like none of it exists!

So this also means that once we’re talking about a completely different universe, absolutely none of this applies and there’s no expectations to adhere to any of this. The 02 quartet doesn’t exist in this universe? Cool.

Funny thing about 02: one of the biggest themes the story revolved around was “not getting caught up in the past, and moving forward with what you have instead,” so it’s probably pretty understandable that a lot of people who like 02 would be the type who wouldn’t be fond of rehashing stuff too much (and even more so it involves 02 itself), especially since being okay with 02 as a sequel likely means being okay with change in general. To make something really new out of it, you might as well...actually make something new out of it, or cover some truly new territory, instead of bothering with this whole reboot business, you know?

One thing you might notice about a lot of 02 fans is that they’re not actually all that fond of the idea of canon putting the group through more massive suffering or emotional ordeals after 02 compared to most. I mean, I think it’s pretty normal to enjoy your favorite characters going through emotional trouble, but the aversion to it often tends to be much stronger than usual, regardless of what country’s fanbase we’re talking, and even the official staff for Kizuna seems to have somewhat recognized that the 02 group is most in its element when in the context of fun and silliness. All things considered, this probably isn’t particularly surprising when you take into account the fact that “just being able to hang out with each other as casual friends at all” was considered such a blessing, and such a difficult goal to reach, that there’s a natural aversion to seeing them go through more emotional suffering again. The new trailer for the upcoming movie seems to have Daisuke in a relatively good mood (and even then, “please don’t make it too emotionally vicious for them” is a pretty common plea).

So if you want to talk about rehashing all of their old problems, seeing it all over again is just not very fun. It’s like holding Ken’s sins over his head again, even if it’s in a different universe; it just doesn’t feel right when the series itself endorsed the best possible outcome for these kids to be “to live happily and at peace with themselves, no matter what happened beforehand”. They worked so hard to get out of it, so to decide we have to do this entire rodeo again for the sake of doing it again, instead of trying something new is...well, it’s not that appealing of an idea, I have to say.

The real-life impact would be intolerable

It’s no secret that the 02 hatedom is a bit uncomfortably vocal about it, but what tends to be really frustrating about it is how many of them love to dunk on the series based on misremembering it. It’s fair that, if you don’t like a series, you probably wouldn’t want to watch it again, but as someone who’s spent a lot of years unpacking all the little details in the series and noticing that it’s much deeper than it initially seems on the surface, it’s honestly annoying to see “criticism” of the series that’s actually just dunking on it based on details that are genuinely factually incorrect (it’d be one thing if it were a question of subjectivity, but no, so many of the insults 02 often gets are based on things that legitimately did not happen in the series).

In the end, I admit that 02′s penchant for ridiculous subtlety probably worked against it a bit too much, and I’ve already covered its impact on how the series gets misread a lot. Thing is, this kind of subtlety was a thing in Adventure too, and it all leads to the unfortunate effect that a lot of people tend to forget what actually happened in Adventure if they haven’t seen it for more than a few years. With the current reboot right now, you’ll see people saying that certain characters are the same as they were in the original series, even though in most respects they’re actually the opposite -- because a lot of said people only remember them by the surface characteristics that seem to be similar.

So when you look at 02, and consider the fact that even official media -- including the official American English dub and V-Tamer -- has been a bit too prone to not handling Daisuke’s character tastefully and reducing him to traits that make him easy to dislike, you might realize that handling these characters improperly runs an extremely high risk of actually turning them into the flat, unlikeable characters that people tend to accuse them of being -- imagine Daisuke where his entire character is about fixating over Hikari and being impulsive, or Miyako being nothing but self-centered and selfish, or Iori being genuinely stoic and missing the nuances of constantly holding his emotions back. And making it worse is that this would basically solidify these negative perceptions of the characters even further -- because people, especially those inclined to hate the series, would take it as further evidence that the characters have always been like this, reflect it back on the original, and everything would really just become a miserable experience. (Those who are particularly inclined to be malicious against 02 would probably even claim a reboot to be “better than the original” no matter whatever it is, because of the belief that 02 is so incredibly terrible that literally anything would be better than it.)

It’s not my business to dictate other people’s opinions, but it’s already been a frustrating twenty years of dealing with this kind of thing, so of course I’m not going to be enthusiastic about the idea of putting up with more of it...

[fiddlepickdouglas]

Viva Las Vegas, Pt. 14 - Unexpected Meeting

Summary: Sunset Curve Alive AU, Willex, who will they run into?, 3.2k

@trevor-wilson-covington is the bestie who makes these lovely edits, we stan supportive friends

WARNINGS: death mention, emotional trauma

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13

“Man, I need a break,” Reggie was saying as he strolled with Alex down an unfamiliar street in the early evening, stretching his arms. “I mean, being in the studio all the time has been good, but on top of everything else it’s just so much!”

Unsure where they were headed, Alex walked a few paces ahead on the sidewalk, casually navigating for both of them. He squinted as he looked at Reggie.

“Reggie, you dropped, like, all of your classes once we signed on.”

“Nope!” his friend exclaimed, tilting his head in a proud manner. “I just needed two electives to graduate. It’s okay, though, man. Not everyone finishes their math requirements as a freshman.” Reggie patted Alex’s shoulder, as if it were any sort of consolation.

“No, good for you Reg,” Alex said. His parents had paid for all this private tutoring and even gotten him to take some college credits early. Of course, his only serious plan after high school had been the band so it was all wasted effort, but then all of their attempts with him amounted to that. He was learning to feel less guilty over it. It wasn’t his fault they never cared about what he wanted.

“How long do you think Luke and Bobby are gonna be workshopping their parts together?” Reggie asked.

“Long enough. Where are we going, exactly?”

“Oh, I was just kind of keeping an eye out for anywhere interesting.”

Alex blinked. “I thought we were headed somewhere specific.”

“I’ve only been to this side of L.A. like, once, so I don’t think I’d make a good tour guide,” Reggie stated.

And just like that, Alex’s mind thrust itself back into remembering Willie. He was getting better at not crumbling completely in the moment, but it still felt like his heart was temporarily dunked into a dark ocean of misery. It would remain waterlogged and heavy inside his chest for a while.

“Alex?” Reggie was saying, looking at him with concern. “You okay?”

Snapping his thoughts back to the present, Alex sighed as he looked back at Reggie.

“I’ll be fine.”

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jean jacket and pressed his arms against his sides. Shoulders hunched, he continued through the crowd. Focusing on walking would hopefully help it wear off. He made every step purposeful, trying to get the weight in his heart to fall through his feet. Reggie’s hand on his shoulder made him turn.

“It’s still rough, isn’t it?” he asked gently. “If I said something - ”

“It’s not your fault,” Alex tried to assure him. “Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere. Besides, I can’t make you and everyone else walk on eggshells.”

“Maybe not, but we’re in this with you. It may have been different for us, but we all met Willie. I’d never seen you warm up to anyone that fast. Even after a few months, it’s still fresh; don’t force yourself to be better for us.”

Pausing on the sidewalk, Alex looked up at Reggie. He tried to smile as gratitude edged its way in, relieving most of the heaviness in his chest.

“I appreciate that, Reg.”

“Of course, man.”

“So,” Alex took a deep breath to let everything else wash away as they kept wandering. “You made it sound like you had a lot going on. Is everything at home okay?”

Reggie shrugged. “Eh...no change there. My mom went to stay with her sister after the last fight, so my dad’s been trying his best to take care of everything, but he’s too upset to handle it well. My little sister has just been sleeping over with friends anyway, and I can handle myself, so - ” he shrugged again, “ - you know, I do what I can.”

Alex nodded. He had nothing really to comment, and Reggie knew he was always there to support him. This wasn’t anything unusual for him, but it still wasn’t right. Neither of them spent much time at their own homes, so wandering through the city like this kept them occupied when they weren’t with the rest of the band. Looking up at the store signs around them, he saw a record store about a block ahead.

“Hey, why don’t we check that out?” he suggested.

“Yeah!” Reggie said, dropping any ounce of gloom from the previous subject and skipping along to catch up with Alex.

A small bell rang as they came through the door, and they immediately began filtering through shelves of records and CDs. Peeking toward the back of the store, Alex could see a counter that offered a menu of food and drinks, some tables, as well as the smallest stage in the world. This seemed like a neat little place.

“Oh,” Reggie started after a while. “I got us a gig playing at my cousin’s wedding.”

“A wedding?” Alex said skeptically, turning from the Pansy Division vinyl he was checking out. “When we’re trying to finish a record and go on tour?”

“It’s Conrad, okay, he’s family! And he said we could make the setlist.”

Alex shrugged, considering that was fair.

“...with his approval.”

At that addition, Alex could only sigh and shake his head.

“And then maybe, you could, I don’t know, finally ask Bobby to be your date?”

Reggie put down the Mötley Crüe album he’d been examining and looked up at him in shock. Alex realized he’d possibly been too blunt. But immediately Reggie began to cover it up, laughing and shaking his head.

“What?” he said, his denial completely transparent. “Was that a...was that supposed to be a joke or something?”

Giving him a look of pity, Alex put his hands on his hips.

“You’re really gonna try to pull the wool over the eyes of your gay friend?”

Caught, Reggie looked back at him in defeat and bowed his head.

“I’m gonna guess you noticed a while ago?”

Nodding, Alex tried to soften his demeanor. 

“There’s been something up with you two for months. How come you haven’t tried to talk to him about it?”

Reggie knit his brow and began fiddling with his fingers.

“Well, I’m a little confused by it, to be honest. Cuz, I mean...I like girls, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“But I like Bobby, too.”

“Okay.”

His friend looked up at him, expecting more of a reaction. Alex leaned against the shelf and folded his arms.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with you? Because you’re talking to the king of wrong feelings.”

“Well, sometimes I feel like that, but not really. It’s something else,” Reggie said.

“Like what?”

“Well...we’ve been friends for years. It just sort of crept up on me and I don’t know what to do. What if he rejects it? He’s one of my best friends.”

Thinking for a moment, Alex looked down at his feet. He didn’t blame Reggie for being worried. He’d had a mini crush on Bobby for a couple weeks back in ninth grade and had the same dilemma. It was easier for him to get over, though, simply because it had faded quickly.

“Well, I wish I could say if it’s meant to be it’ll happen, but sometimes…”

Sometimes it dies in a fire before there’s any chance of knowing.

He shook his head to get rid of the awful thought and ignored Reggie’s look of concern.

“But if I know Bobby, I don’t think it’s going to harm anything. I think you should go for it, Reg. I truly, honestly, will back you up on that.”

A smile spread wide across Reggie’s face.

“Thanks, man!”

Without fretting over it for another second, he turned back to the shelf of CDs he’d been perusing, and Alex did the same. There was a crazy good selection, and Alex wished he could get his hands on a record player. Playing CDs on a boombox worked for some things, but there was a level of charm in playing something on a vinyl record that appealed to him even more. He made a note to get a small notebook to carry in his fanny pack, hoping to return to this store and make a wishlist of sorts to work toward.

“Do I see Alex and Reggie of Sunset Curve?” A familiar voice said from behind.

Both of them turned to find Flynn standing in the aisle, braids tied up into a high ponytail and eyebrow arched in her usual smart fashion.

“Hey Flynn!” Reggie exclaimed, pulling her into a hug. Alex went in for one afterward, happily surprised.

“Hey guys!” she said, grinning.

“What are you up to?” Alex asked.

“Gonna be performing in a bit,” she said excitedly. “Just a warm up before the main group comes on. I’ve been working on some of my own stuff; I think you guys would love it! Got time to stick around?”

“Sweet!” Reggie raised a fist for her to bump. “I’m down. Alex, wanna stay?”

“Yeah, sounds great!”

He had yet to see what Flynn was capable of. If he were to judge only on knowing she’d been in a duo with Julie, he expected it to be good.

“Also, you should try the burritos here,” Flynn told them. “They are to die for!”

The endless click-rollll-click-click-click of his board filled his ears as Willie moved through the street, feeling the wind pass over him in the way that made freedom feel like he could clutch it in his hands. He’d actually spent today not worrying about Alex. It felt good not to dwell on what little past he had access to. Of course, he still had repetitive dreams about the few memories that had come back, but the backwards one with Caleb in it hadn’t come back ever since he’d gotten to LA. Moving forward felt...nice.

He had spent the morning sketching at the beach, getting all sorts of practice in. The beautiful waves, seagulls, the different activities all around him. Somehow a group of young college kids had gotten him to join their volleyball tournament. Willie wasn’t sure if he’d ever played it before, but once he caught onto the game, he’d gotten surprisingly good. It felt nice to roll up the hem of his jeans and dig his toes into the warm sand while playing with a group of strangers. They’d nicknamed him Mowgli, whatever that meant. He liked the sound of it though.

Heading off to work after cleaning himself up, he realized he could spend all his free time that way. Peacefully sketching, meeting fun people, and enjoying his surroundings. Was that all it took to be happy? Willie chuckled at the thought of how much Caleb had stressed over rising to the top of his business game, never appearing to be satisfied with any of it. Leaving Vegas remained the best decision he’d ever made. Of course, he wasn’t always proud about his method of burning down the shed, but it had been one of those...heat of the moment things.

Willie skated up to the back entrance and shook his hair out after lifting off his helmet. Just a few short hours of making food, some chill entertainment, and he could peace out for the night. He headed inside the store and right into the small kitchen. Thankfully, the store didn’t fit too many patrons and it was never hard to keep up with orders, and Kyle had a system so he never had to leave the kitchen. This basically meant he could jam to the live music during the lulls between orders with no interruption.

Kyle entered the kitchen just as Willie was tying on his apron.

“Hey, dude, thanks for coming. We actually got two acts coming in, so it should be a full crowd. Katelyn can be the MC for the first bit, but do you mind taking over for the second half?”

A twinge of excitement came over Willie and he lit up. He’d never gotten to try being an MC before.

“Don’t mind at all!” he said.

“Alright, man!” Kyle exclaimed. “First two orders up: swamp style nachos and a bog burrito.”

“Got it.”

“We’re up for a big night with these performances,” the girl hosting hyped up the crowd. “Let’s give it up for our artist of the night: Flynn Taylor!”

Reggie cupped his hands over his mouth as he hollered along with everyone else’s applause. Alex clapped with a mouthful of nachos. Flynn stepped onto the stage behind a set of deejay turntables, smirking as she began flipping switches and turning knobs.

“Thanks for coming out here everyone,” she said into the mic. More applause and whistles echoed through the room. “We’re gonna make a lot of noise tonight, so let me hear you get pumped!”

As she began playing a beat, Alex bobbed along, immediately interested. He didn’t know a thing about mixing, so he was highly impressed with the different sounds she was using. Then Flynn picked up the mic and began rapping and the whole room cheered.

“...I’m a princess, I don’t need a prince, boy I’m priceless...I’m here to shut it down like a night shift…”

“Man,” Reggie leaned over to Alex. “She’s so good! I say we book her to open for us ASAP as possible.”

Alex merely snorted and chuckled at Reggie’s misuse of the acronym. He actually enjoyed the idea of having Flynn rapping to open for their rock shows. Gigs where all the bands sounded the same got a little flavorless sometimes.

“Also,” Reggie said as he took a huge bite into his burrito. “This is the best burrito I’ve ever had.”

“Lemme try some, you can try my nachos,” Alex said.

All Reggie could say was Mm! as he passed the burrito over.

The final beats of the first performer echoed in the kitchen where Willie had been dancing, waving various kitchen tools around. He’d thoroughly enjoyed the whole set, and wondered what sounded so familiar about the girl who was rapping. Before he could spend more time thinking about it, Kyle came in.

“Okay, you ready?” he asked.

“I just keep people busy and then announce the next group, right?” Willie guessed.

“Yeah, man, you’ve got this!”

“What’s the next group called?”

“Downslide. And they brought some merch, so it’s a good idea to mention that to the crowd as well.”

“Okay,” Willie nodded, slipping out of his apron. “Maybe I could put their t-shirt on or something, you know, sell the look?”

Kyle looked impressed. “Yeah! I’ll go see what they’ve got.”

He left the kitchen and hardly a minute later returned with a jacket.

“They said you could wear it for the night. Not gonna lie, I wish I could wear this, it’s a sweet jacket.”

Willie slipped it on, and turned around. He didn’t often wear jackets, but whatever it was made of was pretty soft.

“Guess I’m ready,” he said, giving Kyle a hand slide and fist bump before leaving the kitchen. He stepped up behind the microphone and looked out at the crowd, and further back, the empty store.

At that moment, he heard the bell of the store door ring and two guys walked outside. Through the window, a familiar leather jacket passed. Then, he saw a head of blonde hair follow, turning to look both ways to cross the street, and his heart grew to fill all the empty space in his chest. It was unmistakable. It had to be.

“Alex...” he breathed quietly into the microphone. Adrenaline immediately went out to his extremities. The crowd before him looked bewildered as they waited for him to announce the next group.

Glancing offstage, he saw Kyle give him a strange look. Willie shook his head, unclear what message he was sending but ultimately knowing he couldn’t stay at his current spot. Before he could think anything else, his legs were bounding out the door. It felt like every ounce of blood in his veins knew. The search was over.

Reggie and Alex had just reached the opposite corner. He wasn’t going to miss his chance.

“Alex!” he cried, running to meet them.

He immediately thrust his arms around a surprised Alex, gripping him tightly, burying his face into his shoulder.

“Oh my god, Alex!” he said, panting. “It’s so good to see you.”

He didn’t feel the hug didn’t reciprocate, and instead Alex grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. The darkness of the street seemed to envelop him.

“What are you - ?” Alex started, staring back at Willie like he’d just been assaulted. Then shock wiped over his whole face. Then confusion. And then a pain came over all of it that made Willie’s concern grow.

“What - what is it?” he asked, all the excitement gone.

Alex wouldn’t look him in the eye, and he raised a hand to hold the side of his head.

“No, this isn’t real,” he whispered to himself, shrinking backward and shutting his eyes. “This can’t be real.”

Willie glanced over at Reggie, who also stared like he was seeing the impossible. He could see Alex shaking and heard a rattled breath, and felt tension grow thick in the air. Quickly, he went to take Alex’s face in his hands.

“Alex, hey, look, it’s me,” he soothed. He fought to get a look directly into his eyes. “It’s me, Willie.”

Finally, the green ocean gazed back at him, turbulent and restless. What once had been a grounding rhythm of waves had turned into a maelstrom of despair. Even worse were the tears welling up right before him. Willie watched the storm rage for a few seconds, seeking for a moment of calm.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured, lowering his hands. Alex looked so wounded it frightened him.

“How are you alive?” Alex begged to know.

Blinking, Willie sat back, astounded at those words. While he agreed it was a miracle he was still alive, he couldn’t fathom why Alex would ask such a question. He chuckled merely out of discomfort.

“I’m here.” Willie glanced at Reggie, looking for an explanation. “Flesh and bone. Why? What happened?”

Alex looked at him incredulously, jaw hanging open. He looked so tightly wound and so scattered all at once. 

“Caleb told me you were dead.”

Willie blanched inwardly at the mention of Caleb, but even more so at the rest of that sentence he’d been utterly unprepared to hear.

“He...he - ” he stammered for a moment. “When would you have even talked to him?”

Sharing a look with Reggie, Alex took a deep breath. Then he looked back at Willie hesitantly.

“We see him all the time. We work for him now.”

It was Willie’s turn to drop his jaw.

“We’ve been signed to his record label for a few months now,” Reggie pitched in.

Directing his gaze to the ground, Willie puzzled for a minute.

“Why would I be dead?” he asked, looking back up at Alex.

For a minute Alex simply gazed at him wordlessly.

“I don’t know,” he said. There was a pause as both of them finally looked at each other, fully aware that this was real. And then Alex threw his arms around Willie to return the hug. Willie had to raise himself up on his toes to avoid falling over, and he tightened his grip to remain steady. He felt joy spread through his whole torso and breathed a sigh of relief as hands tangled into his hair. “But that doesn’t matter. I’m so happy to see you.”

[its-afucking-mess]

A little guide on ao3 (by an ao3 user and writer)

Friendly reminder for mobile users! Ao3 is a website. It doesn't have (as far as im concerned) an official app for mobile, so better get comfy with using crome on your phone.

Some video links ill leave for people who prefer video and audio:

- navigating the fanfiction sites

- popular fandom terminology part 1 and part 2

- shipping etiquette

i really reccomend coley's videos if you want to get to know more fandoms, or get an inside look to how some stuff works. There also might be more vids about fandom's and fan works, so don't hesitate to look through some of her stuff!

the explaining under the 'read more' ao mutuals wont kill me :)

(also tagging @ethanesimp since they asked for this advice )

So, what is Ao3 really?

Ao3 is a website made by fans for fans. There are no ads, and all content is free on Ao3. Anyone can post (with some age restrictions) and they can post anything.

How can I browse Ao3?

Ao3 does not require an account to view stories. You can easily browse as an anonymous user. You just are not able to view certain works, as creators have the ability to show their works to registered users only. Some cases, commenting is possible while anonymous, but again, it's up to the creator of the work.

If you want to be a creator and share works, you need an account.

An account also gives you the ability to bookmark works, so you can re-visit them, mark works for later, keeps a history of the works you've visited and allows you to favourite tags.

How do I get an Ao3 account?

When you first open the site, it gives you the option to "Get Invited". An invitation will be sent to your email anywhere from 24hrs later to a week later, depending on the amount of people in the automated queue.

After the invitation, you are able to set up your account like any other social media account. Pick a username, pseuds (name), description and bio. You can have a profile picture as well.

How do I navigate the site?

There are few ways to do so efficiently, but there's countless of ways you can experiment with to find which is more comfortable.

1st option: As the website loads, you can go to the 'Fandoms' tag.

Then, after clicking on it, this column appears. Through there, you can pick which media your fandom is from and from there, browse the huge list of different fandoms until you spot your own.

The list is in alphabetical order, so if your fandom begins with an "C", it shouldn't be too far down.

2nd option: At the top right, under your profile, and the options 'Post' and 'Log Out' should be a white oval search bar.

(im using my own account for demonstration)

When searching, there are many ways to work around it.

Personally, I press search as it is. It will lead you to a page where all the fanworks of the site are listed. (i believe its easiest, but always feel free to experiment)

From there, you press the 'Edit Your Search' button, located near the top right.

It will then lead you to a page with multiple fields.

Don't panic when you see all the fields. Only half those are of interest when you want to browse works for a fandom.

The most important ones are those under the Field name 'Work Tags'

Whatever you select under this field will be included in the works the site presents you with.

What are the work tags? What do they do?

Lets go through the options.

Fandom(s): when typing on this option, multiple fandom names will autofill in a list under the white space. If your fandom shows up, you can just click on it.

example:

From there, you can select the fandom you want to see works from. If your fandom doesn't show up, it can mean one of two things:

-there are no works for it

-it isn't popular enough to be picked up by the algorithm

After selecting one fandom, you can select another fandom, or more, to see works that are crossovers over universes.

Ratings: Ratings are selected by author. It defines the level of maturity it has in the work

- General audiences is the tag you want to use when nothing bad happens in the work. No swearing, no sexual activities, no violence or gore. It wont contain scenes that minors are not allowed to see.

- Teen and up audiences is the tag used for most works on the site. It is what would be used when you have mentions of/vague sexual content or violence. Normally, the most extreme stuff on there is excessive swearing, heavy angst and hurt/comfort with no excessive details

- Mature is the tag that is for 18+. It is mostly filled with one of following : Violence, Sexual Content, Ab*se, R@pe, Death and SH.

Reader descretion is advised by looking at the additional tags the author has provided, especially for those with triggers.

- Explicit is like Mature, but contains more graphic content. Works rated explicit mostly fall under the 'Graphic depictions of sexual content', 'Graphic depictions of Violence and Gore' or 'Graphic depictions of Ab*se, R@pe, or Self H*rm

Reader descretion is advised, stronger than mature, since it can be much more triggering. The works are scarily detailed sometimes.

- Not rated: the author has not given this work a rating because none of the other ratings fit the work. Pay special attention to the tags.

Warnings: Also known as Archive warnings by older users. The trigger warnings of Ao3. There are 6 archive warnings:

-Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings: The author didn't use the warnings, either because none of them fit the work's theme and warnings, or to avoid spoiling the story. Pay attention to the tags for any warnings.

-Graphic Depictions Of Violence: It is pretty self explanatory. Can contain any sort of violence, from wars, to simple fights, to ab*se of any kind. Can and often contain death. The type of violence is in the tags.

-Major Character Death: A main character in the story will die in this work. Pay attention to the tags always. The name of the character will be mentioned, as well as the way they die.

-No Archive Warnings Apply: None of the warnings apply. It is most times a perfectly safe work. Check the tags to make sure though!

-R@pe/Non-Con: The work contains non-consensual activities. Ranges from non-consensua sex to non-consensual use and ab*se of substances. Very close attention to the tags!

-Underage: The main character(s) in this work are underage/minors. This is normally tagged along sexual content so be aware and pay close attention to the tags!

Categories: This regards the relationships in the work:

- M/M, or better known as mlm or a relationship between two non-woment (men mostly, can include characters under the non-binary umbrella)

- M/F, a heterosexual relationship (is inclusive of trans characters too!)

- F/F, or wlw, or a relationship between two non-men (women mostly, can include characters under the non-binary umbrella)

- Gen, no sexual or romantic relationships are in this work, or if there are any, they arent of main focus.

- Multi: Polyamorous relationships, or multiple relationships are included in this work (this is also where threesomes+ are tagged in sometimes)

- Other relationships: One of the two people in the relationship is non-human (mostly), or the relationships are platonic/family.

Characters: The characters you want to be included in the story. This works just like the 'Fandom' filter, so the same things apply. You can tag as many characters as desirable.

Relationships: The relationships that you want present in the work. This includes both major and minor relationships. It can also include ended relationships (tagged Past x/y) and implied/referenced relationships. This works just like the Characters and Fandom filter.

Additional Tags: These are things the author has included to give potential readers an insight to the story. 'Angst', 'Fluff' and 'Smut' are additional tags. Works like the Relationships filter, so all same applies.

Is there anything I have to avoid/ I should avoid?

There is this very infamous tag, 'Dead Dove: Do not eat.' This tag is a warining to readers that the things in the work are really messed up, and can include anything illegal in it. PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE REST OF THE TAGS IF YOU STILL ARE INTERESTED.

How else can I filter works?

You can choose how they are:

sorted (Titles, Authors, Hits, Kudos, Comments, Bookmarks, and Best Match)

the word count (from 1 word to millions)

the language (most are on there)

the amount of chapters

if the work is complete of not

when it last updated/when was posted

and if there are crossovers.

These are all options that author has to include, and therefore you can sort freely. Most are bulletin options you can click on.

What if I want to find a specific work?

If you happen to know one of these: Author, Title, Fandom or Rating, you will find it. If you were reccomended one, it's better to ask for the author or the title, to make looking for it easier.

Can I find a specific author/ user?

People search is for finding users on the site

Bookmark search helps you look through other people's public bookmarks. Not really used.

Tag search finds works that include this specific tag you searched. Also not used a lot.

People can see my bookmarks?

When bookmarking a work, you are able to do a lot.

if you do not want your bookmarks to be visible to the public, make sure to check off the Private bookmark box at the bottom left.

Common terms thrown around by Ao3 users:

-tags: the additional tags of the work

-kudos: liking a story

-bookmarks: saving/saved stories. makes it easy to revist. you can see your bookmarks from your profile

-hits: the amount of people that have clicked on a story. Isn't necessary they liked it, but they did click on it.

And those are the basics! If you had to take one thing only, its ALWAYS READ TAGS

I hope this helped the clueless souls even a bit :)

Im open to reply to any other questions, and you can send me them in my asks, messages or comments of this post

[pappydaddy]

Heather (j.m.)

A/N: I guess I’m back? I never really left, I was just kinda without internet and then I just completely lost all concept of time. Like I am not kidding, I have no idea what day it is. But anyway, I am working on my Steve Harrington series and trying to get the third part out soon and I have a bunch of ideas for imagines so I am going to be working on those, trying to get those out as soon as possible. This piece is inspired by sad bitch hours bc I like listening to sad songs even if I’m not sad?? So, this is inspired by Heather by Conan Gray. I also love writing sad angst after long breaks for some reason. ANYWAY, enjoy and check out the song bc Conan Gray is amazing. 

Show/Movie: Outer Banks

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Reader 

Warnings: Sad, angst, longing, negative thoughts about oneself (appearance, personality, etc), comparing to other people, jealousy, unspoken feelings

I think I’m going to do a part two, maybe even a part three, idk, we’ll see!

Link to an edited youtube video of this song (I used this one to write with)

Link to Spotify version of this song 

Part One - You’re here! | Part Two

masterlist | taglist | wips | navigation

- not my gif -

  The cool ocean breeze blew past her as she sat on a piece of driftwood, the sound of waves lapping up onto the wet sand inches away from her bare feet calmed her. The beginnings of a party stirred the peaceful silence up behind her, disrupting the calm the ocean set. Her friends were up by the bonfire they started, talking and laughing about something. Y/N was torn. She didn’t know if she was sad to be missing out on the fun or if she was glad she didn’t need to plaster on her fake smile she usually had to wear around her. The newest addition to their small, tight-knit group. Normally, one of the boy’s flings wouldn’t affect her like this, but when it’s the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy bringing them around, she couldn’t help but feel her heart-breaking each time. 

  She had tried to deny her feeling for a long time, mostly because she knew that he’d never get into a serious relationship, it was just the way JJ was; the second reason was because of the rule: no Pogue on Pogue macking. Of course, the rule was able to give her a reason to keep her feelings a secret from everyone, but it was also what made her hurt so much. If she could just tell someone about her feelings, she’d be able to sit up there by the warm fire with her friends, laughing and joking with them. Instead, she kept her mouth shut about her feelings and she distanced herself from them whenever she was there. 

  Y/N hugged herself, wrapping herself up in warmth. The thin sweater she wore didn’t do much against the fall wind attacking her along with the breeze blowing off the ocean. Nights were colder, the summer humidity disappearing quickly, but it didn’t stop the teens from partying into the night. Glancing over her shoulder, she snuck a glance at her friends. Her eyes, without fail, went right to JJ. His arm was slung around her, his beautiful smile on his face, his adam’s apple bouncing as he retold an embarrassing story about John B who laughed loudly. She was sitting just far enough away that she couldn’t hear the words they were saying, but she could hear their barking laughter. 

  She watched them, she was beautiful. She was Heather. The new girl. Y/N had nothing against her other than the fact that she had JJ, even if it was going to be over with by the end of this month. JJ never stuck around relationships for too long, but it didn’t mean they hurt Y/N any less. How could Y/N compete with her? Her long black hair blowing in the wind as if she was out of a movie, her striking blue eyes, her perfectly freckled face that looked like an Instagram filter. Y/N would never be as pretty as Heather in her mind. 

  Y/N’s laid-back, hippie/surfer attitude was no match for Heather, nor were her looks. Heather was beautiful inside out. While the casing looked like she was scalped by the Greek Goddesses, her personality was like she was filled with sunshine and rainbows. No matter when you saw her, she always had a kind smile. She was perfect: smart, kind, popular, pretty. It was as if is was impossible to hate her. She was too kind to. 

  Standing from her piece of driftwood, Y/N decided that she wasn’t in the mood to be at a party. Grabbing her shoes from the sand by her feet, she made her way along the water, not wanting to walk past her friends and have to answer questions. She didn’t want to spare a glance in Heather’s direction, not wanting to see JJ’s sweater on her. The same sweater he gave her last December. 

  Shivers ran up her spine as they all laid in the hammocks at The Chateau. While it was winter, they still decided to go out and stargaze after smoking the blunt JJ had just rolled. In their stoned haste to stare at the stars, Y/N had forgotten to bring a sweater or even a blanket, leaving her shivering in the hammock she shared with JJ since he broke his a few days ago. 

  JJ, having noticed her shivering since she was shaking the hammock - making its swing choppy, sat up. “Here,” He sat up, making her look up at him curiously. While they were slightly buzzed, they were still able to think since they were used to the stuff JJ gets. “Take my sweater, you’re freezing.” He told her, forcing her to sit up and put his sweater on. The dark fabric (while thin) warmed her perfectly but she wasn’t sure if it was because it came off of JJ’s body or if she was just that cold.

  “No, JJ, I can’t, you’ll get cold!” She protested, moving to take it off and give it back, but JJ stopped her, zipping it up to make it harder for her to get off. 

  “You’ve got to now, it looks much better on you and it’ll just be embarrassing if I wore it after you did,” He winked, settling back down, his hands clasped behind his head, his elbows sticking out, blocking where her head was supposed to go. “Plus, since I don’t have a sweater, it just means I need you to cuddle me to keep me warm now.” He smirked, his eyes staying on the stars. With a blush heating her face, Y/N laid back, her head resting on his chest, her arm resting over his stomach.

  It was just polyester, but it made her think that there was just a slightest bit of hope that maybe he liked her back. She liked to replay that day over in her head, her mind creating a figment of her imagination - a fictional ending where they ended up together, but since Heather showed up, she stomped all over it with her angel feet, but in the nicest way possible. 

  Sand kicked up on the backs of her heels, sliding off easily as she walked along the beach. She wondered if anyone noticed that she left, if JJ noticed she left. She doubted it, they were all mesmerized by Heather and her amazing personality while Y/N was off drowning in her own vast ocean of sadness. Looking behind her, she could faintly make the group out, spotting the crackling fire spitting sparks into the sky as started to bleed with fading pinks and oranges. They looked like specks, but she could tell that they were still laughing as if she hadn’t left. Sighing, she made her way up the dune, walking through the cluster of trees and onto the sidewalk, walking against the sea of people making their way towards the party. 

 ____

  She was working the next time she saw them. She was trapped and forced to sit there watching them. Of course, she was inside the restaurant while the couple stood outside on the deck, waiting for Pope and John B. Kiara was inside, finishing her shift up. Y/N’s eye caught on them as she grabbed her table their drinks. They were standing there, deep in conversation, their hands clasped together. She couldn’t take her eyes off them as their lips met in a long kiss. Her mind wondered. Why would he ever want to kiss her after having such a perfect girl in his arms? 

  Y/N wanted to hate her, she really did, but she couldn’t. “Y/N, you’re spilling the water everywhere,” Her co-worker exclaimed, jumping towards her with a dry dishtowel, sopping up the mess. She jolted in shock, his voice snapping her out of her daze. “Your clothes are soaked.” He fussed, trying to help dry her hand. Her eyes glanced back up from the mess at the deck entrance dinging, alerting them of someone entering. The group walked in, JJ and Heather in the back of John B and Pope. 

  “Hi, Y/N! Where is your section?” John B called out, wanting to be served by his friend as an excuse to see her since he hadn’t talked to her in a while. 

  “Sorry, John B, I’ll have to take your table so she can get cleaned up, next time.” Her co-worker told them, getting another dry towel to try and help her dry her clothes so she wasn’t dripping everywhere. John B pressed his lips together into a line, nodding with disappointment. 

  “Thanks, Jack,” John B nodded his chin in Jack’s direction. “Maybe we’ll talk before we leave, Y/N.” She looked back up from her shirt, nodding. Her eyes caught on JJ, their eyes connecting as Heather talked to Kie (who had just came out of the back), not noticing. It certainly was a sight for sore eyes, JJ’s eyes were, but it was gone as fast as it came. 

  “That should be good, Y/N,” Jack brought her back, making their eyes connect. His eyes were just a gorgeous as JJ’s, but they didn’t take her breath away like JJ’s did. He smiled at her, his eyes sparkling with happiness. His smile was show-stopping, but it didn’t effect her like JJ’s did. “You should go get changed, I’ll take these to the table for you, table four, right?” 

  “Yeah, thanks Jack, I owe you one.” She called to him, disappearing into the back, thankful that she always brought a change of clothes and thankful that she didn’t have to serve them. Though, she knew that she shift was going to be mostly trying not to even look towards their table, she was happy she didn’t have to go through standing at their table, working even harder at her fake smile so she didn’t show them that she was dying inside while she felt like she wanted to rip her feet off because they were so sore. 

 ____

  It was at school, she had seen the whole thing. Lost in the crowd, she stood there watching as Heather weeped. She could tell that JJ was embarrassed, he had tried to do it quickly and in private, but Heather’s load sobs and gasps drew the first few people then they drew the rest of the crowd. Even with a mixture of tears and makeup rolling down her perfect skin, Heather was the figure of beauty. Now, Y/N was certain - she’d never stand a chance with JJ Maybank, even after he broke up with Heather, for Y/N wasn’t half as pretty as her. 

  Heather pushed through the crowd, trying to get away from JJ. She pushed between Y/N and Jack, who stood beside her, his books hanging by his hip, Y/N’s books in his other hand. “Poor Heather, poor JJ. He actually looks like he tried to break up nicely this time. He must have cared for her at least a little.” He commented, observing the blonde boy while the group dispersed, giving him a perfect view of the two. 

  “Who wouldn’t care for her, she’s an angel.” Y/N muttered, her eyes connecting with JJ’s. A sympathetic smile stretched onto her face, feeling sorry for him. Their eyes never separated, the two of them standing still, just absorbed in their eye contact. 

  “Come on, Y/N, let’s go. We can’t be late for our shift.” Jack told her, forcing her to break away from JJ’s eyes. She looked up at him, nodding before turning and walking the short distance to his pick-up, climbing in. Jack tossed their books in the bed, along with their bags, slipping onto the bench seat next to her. Turning to gaze out the window, she saw JJ staring at her, still standing in the same spot. Their eyes connected once again in a fleeting moment before Jack slowly pulled out of the spot, exiting the nearly empty parking lot. 

[the-edge-of-great]

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ JATP WEEK - DAY ONE: FAVORITE CHARACTER(S) ♥

(i don’t have one favorite character, so i wrote something from different POVs of my main five :)) @jatp-week 

also i forgot ghosts don’t sleep. we’re pretending like they do today

––––––

FLYNN

“Flynn, no pressure, but I’m performing tonight,” Julie says while Flynn is dipping her brush into the black paint. “So, you know, make me look pretty.”

Flynn gasps, almost jerking her hand when she looks back at Julie. Julie catches her wrist before she can fling paint everywhere. “You didn’t tell me you were performing tonight!” She pauses, looking over her current progress. “Now I’m nervous.”

“I have total faith in you.” Julie’s eyes dart between the paint brush and Flynn. “But show me how it looks so far?”

Pursing her lips, Flynn shakes her head, grabs Julie’s shoulder, and aims the paintbrush at her cheek. “No way. You didn’t let me see until you were finished.”

“But—” Julie freezes when the brush touches the corner of her mouth, and her eyes quickly move to something behind Flynn. Her lips begin to twitch into a smile.

“Hey, hey!” Flynn cries. “No moving.”

“The guys are confused.”

“I’ll explain. You stay quiet.” Flynn gives her a second to stop laughing before continuing the delicate line she’s trying to curve across her cheek. She takes it slow—agonizingly, if Julie’s eyes are anything to go by. “So,” Flynn begins loudly to the dense air around her, “we’re getting ready for Day of the Dead, which is a holiday Julie’s family celebrates. I’m trying to draw a sugar skull design on her, like she did for me.”

Julie has always been the residential sugar skull designer in the house. She always drew Carlos’ face, her mom’s, and Flynn and Carrie’s. Usually, she does herself too, but this is their first Day of the Dead without her mom, so Flynn has decided to take the paintbrush into her own hands and surprise Julie with something beautiful—or try to, anyway.

Flynn’s face looks awesome. Julie painted only half in white with a fissured edge down the center of her face. From her eyebrow to her cheekbone, her eye is circled in green and lined with black. Half of Flynn’s mouth stretching to the middle of her cheek has been transformed into skeletal teeth with a vibrant green glow. Her dimple has layers upon layers of dark and light green paint, carefully blended to look like a real skull indentation. Small black circles line the top of her eyebrow, and thin black lines curve across the empty space of her cheek.

For Julie, Flynn is going for a more simplistic look—all of the drawing talent in the friendship seems to have been swallowed up by Julie. Right now, she’s focused on a curved black mouth stretching from one ear to another, adding extra detail to her lips to create a stitched effect, and then? She’ll figure it out from there.

“And I’m not taking any opinions from them,” Flynn declares. She holds her breath until the second line finally meets her ear and she’s finished with the mouth base. “They’re probably biased.”

Julie smiles as Flynn grabs her paint cup. “Actually, Alex says he likes what you’re doing so far.”

“… I’m only taking feedback from Alex.”

Julie laughs. Flynn can’t fight back her smile. “Reggie and Luke like it too,” she adds, smiling up at the space behind the couch. “They think I look scary.”

“How do I look?” Flynn asks, brushing her hair out of her face and looking up at the air, as if she can really see them. She wishes she could.

“They say you look amazing,” Julie translates. “I did that, by the way, so thank you.” She grins at them. Someone must reach for a fist bump, cause she moves her fist across the couch.

“Okay, if you’re going to stay, you can’t make her laugh.” Flynn leans forward, carefully painting over the tip of her nose. “She has a performance tonight, and if I mess up, you can’t fix it. I forbid it.”

“No—” Julie whines.

“You knew the risks when you agreed to let me do this!”

“You didn’t give me a choice!”

Flynn smacks her. “Stop smiling!” But she’s grinning too. It’s hard—how can you look at your best friend and not smile? Flynn waves a hand between them. “Okay, okay, we have to get this done. My hand is tired.”

Julie chuckles. “Okay.” She glances to her left. “No, I didn’t tell anyone I’m performing tonight. It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Then why’d you tell me?” Flynn demands.

“To make sure you don’t make me look bad!”

Flynn scoffs. Her finger lifts Julie’s chin to make their eyes meet. “Girl, it’ll take a lot of paint to make you look bad.”

Julie grins.

“And Luke better not have said something equally as cute just then.”

“No—” Julie says it like the idea is overly ridiculous, and Flynn wants to roll her eyes. “Of course not.”

“Mmhm. Hold still.”

Julie and Luke are dating. Flynn isn’t sure how that works—him being a ghost and everything—but Julie makes it make sense. And what can Flynn say? As long as Julie’s happy…

Forty-five minutes later, she sits back with a sigh to admire her work. One of the guys poofed into Julie’s room to grab her makeup bag, so Julie’s eyes are shining with pink and purple eyeshadow to match the pink patch surrounding her right eye. Flynn finished Julie’s eye with a thin black ring and pink and purple circles curved halfway around the top and bottom of her eye. Her nose is black—Flynn’s sure she’ll add more detail in her room later. Then Flynn will complain that she messed with a masterpiece, even though she’ll love whatever additions Julie draws in.

“Wow, okay,” Julie says, looking at herself in her phone’s camera. “This looks so good. Way to pop off, Flynn.”

Flynn waves herself. “Thank you, thank you. It’s my hidden talent.”

Julie grins over her phone. They share a beat of silence before bursting into laughter. Julie leans forward, throwing an arm around Flynn’s shoulders and holding her phone above their heads. They take bursts of pictures, some serious, most silly. They play with Snapchat filters, film TikToks. It’s fun—Day of the Dead is always fun. Especially this year: the year Julie found her music again.

–––––

LUKE

He knocks before entering her room. As he passes through the door, he can hear Flynn and Carlos arguing about what color icing should go on the cupcakes. Alex and Reggie are down there too; he hopes Alex doesn’t let Reggie do anything crazy tonight.

Julie’s sitting in front of her mirror, humming and painting over her eye. She glances at him as she walks in.

Luke chuckles. “Flynn’s not going to be happy you’re changing her design.” He pulls her desk chair over and takes a seat next to her.

“I’m not changing it.” Julie dips her brush into pink paint. “I’m just… adding some stuff. I had an idea.”

“Flowers?”

“Dahlias.” She side eyes him and smiles. “My mom loved dahlias.” She balances her palette on her knees, steadying it with one hand while leaning forward to paint a second flower at the corner of her eyebrow.

“Here,” Luke offers, reaching under her arm to grab the paint. He holds the palette next to her, and when she reaches over to dip her brush, she smiles in thanks. “So, what exactly is Day of the Dead?”

“First of all, it’s usually pronounced Día de los Muertos,” she begins. Oh God, he loves when she speaks Spanish. “It’s a three day festival where we celebrate the lives of those we’ve lost. My dad’s side is coming over—we always celebrate with the Molinas. My mom was Puerto Rican; they don’t really observe this holiday. But she celebrated with my dad when they first started dating, and she fell in love with the holiday.”

“What’s so great about it?”

Julie waves a hand at her face. “The makeup. The costumes. The music, dancing, food… Just having family around. Being completely immersed in our culture.” She shrugs at him. “We speak Spanish sometimes around the house, but it’s my grandparents’ first language. They had to learn English when they first came to America, but they prefer Spanish.”

“Where’d they come from?”

“Panama.” Julie pauses, carefully painting leaves around the base of her dahlia. “My grandparents have ofrendas set up at their house—ofrendas are altars where we leave offerings for those who have passed. Tonight, we’re going to the cemetery to visit Mom’s grave.”

He notices the way she falters when she mentions her mom. He hates when that happens; always wants to kiss away the sadness. When Julie puts down her paintbrush, he takes her hand in his.

“Hey,” he whispers, running his thumb over her knuckles.

Julie takes a deep breath. “We didn’t celebrate last year; it was too close to Mom passing away.” She shrugs. “We didn’t have it in us.”

“This is your first year without her,” Luke realizes quietly.

“We have an ofrenda downstairs for her. Dad and Carlos did most of it. I was supposed to find some stuff in the studio, but—” She shakes her head. “It’s just weird. This was her favorite holiday, and now she’s—” Julie rolls her eyes. “I know it’s been a year, but—”

“Hey,” Luke interrupts. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. His fingers linger against her skin, cupping her cheek, mindful of the paint. “This is your first year without her. It’s okay to still be sad, Jules.”

Julie’s next breath is shaky; her eyes are glossy as she looks away. “Can’t cry,” she mumbles, shaking her head. “Flynn will kill me.”

Luke laughs. Behind him, he hears the whoosh of Alex and Reggie poofing in her room. Julie smiles weakly at them.

“Were we interrupting?” Reggie asks, raising his eyebrows knowingly.

Alex shakes his head. “Sorry. He kept stealing Flynn’s cupcakes to give to Carlos, and I knew he’d either scare your tía or Flynn would hit him with a spatula if we didn’t get out of there.”

“Carlos deserved to win—”

Julie laughs out loud. She wipes at her eyes carefully; Luke hopes she’s forgotten her grief for now. Luke grins at her. He loves her laugh. Have I mentioned he’s kinda just in love with her?

“We have a little bit before my family arrives,” Julie says, checking her phone. She tugs her lip between her teeth. “And I have extra paint…?”

Reggie bounces on his feet. “Yes!” he cries. “I want a face painting!”

As soon as Luke steps away from the chair, Reggie is there, knees bumping against Julie’s. “Make me look cool.”

Alex lays across her bed, resting his chin in his hands as he watches them. Luke hands the palette to Julie and steps out of her way. While she works on pouring more paint out, he dips his head and presses a soft kiss to her hair. Then he takes a seat next to Alex.

Luke grins. “I want next!”

–––––

REGGIE

He knows the party is really in full swing when the sugar skulls are beginning to set in and the children running around are almost as loud as Julie’s cousins playing music in the living room. Carlos’ real teeth are black; they match the set Julie painted on him. It looks a little creepy; his tía Victoria demands he go brush every time he grins at her in passing.

Reggie ducks past people as if they won’t pass through him; it’s still weird to him, and he knows they feel the same way. At some point, he was separated from his friends. He sees Luke and Julie every now and then—Julie’s making her rounds with her family, and Luke is by her side, always—but he hasn’t seen Alex in a while. He wonders, in the back of his mind, if Alex is even still around. Would he leave a party? He’s done it before. If there’s a chance he can hangout with Willie? No doubt. But would he leave Julie’s party to hangout with Willie? Hm… nah.

His favorite thing, he thinks as he walks through the house, is the atmosphere. There are so many people around—and most are Ray’s siblings! Julie mentioned in the middle of face painting that Latino families are often big, but he wasn’t expecting this! He loves it, though. Sometimes he lingers in a room before moving on, and he hears stories about Ray from his siblings: childhood mishaps and teenage antics.

And with so many siblings comes cousins. They range in age, from Carlos’ to Reggie’s. He overhears Carlos tell the other kids about the ghosts that haunt their house—Reggie leaves with a personal promise to prove him right later.

On his second walk through the living room, he finally spots his friends: Alex is sitting on the arm of the couch next to Flynn with Luke next to him. Julie stands beside an older man with a long beard and a guitar on his lap. Just as Reggie’s about to cross the room to them, something catches his eye.

It’s a shelf to his left, spotted with candles, photos, and flowers. He steps closer, curious. There’s a picture of Julie’s mom in a frame on top, he thinks. She looks… familiar. On the first shelf down is a pair of drumsticks and guitar picks. Reggie frowns. Why are there… drumsticks? He reaches for them. They couldn’t be Alex’s… could they? Why would his drumsticks be—

“I told you our house is haunted!” Carlos cries, and that’s when Reggie notices how quiet everything is suddenly. The drumsticks bounce against his fingers and roll back against the shelf wall.

“Reggie,” Alex hisses behind him.

“Dude, your drumsticks are up here!” Reggie cries.

“My—What?”

Julie moves when no one else does. She’s not looking at Reggie, but he begins apologizing anyway, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare everyone.”

“It’s okay,” she says quietly, reaching for the sticks. “Whose are…?”

“I found them in a box of your mother’s things in the studio,” Ray explains, walking over.

Reggie throws a knowing look at Alex. Alex frowns and summons his drumsticks. They appear in his hand in a flash, and when Reggie turns back, there’s still a pair in Julie’s hand.

“Oh,” she says. “I didn’t know she played.”

Ray chuckles. “Your mother played every instrument she could. Now, there’s a difference in playing and actually sounding good… Drumming is not something she excelled at.”

This earns a round of laughter from their family. From Julie, who’s beaming under her makeup at the new information. From Alex, who adds a “If that isn’t a mood” under his breath.

“What—” Luke argues. “Dude, you’re literally a drummer.”

“I make it look easy.”

Luke rolls his eyes.

“The guitar picks are hers too,” Ray adds, pushing them into his hand. “Look, they have the logos from each of the bands she was in.”

Julie looks them over. “I’m sorry.” She shakes her head. “I should’ve grabbed these from the studio. You told me to find things for her ofrenda, but I—”

“Hey, it’s okay mija,” Ray interrupts. He squeezes her shoulder. “It was actually fun going through her old stuff again. I, personally, haven’t seen these in years.”

Reggie realizes he’s smiling long before Julie finds her strength again. He loves the father-daughter moments they have, even though he has a nagging feeling that he should be over by Luke and Alex and not intruding. Their relationship is addicting, though. He’s never had that with his father.

Maybe… that’s a can of worms to open on another day.

“Speaking of talent,” the man with the guitar says, “Julie? Cantar para nosotros?”

Reggie doesn’t know what he said, but Julie does. She nods. As they part ways—Ray moving past to fix the ofrenda, Reggie walking toward his friends, and Julie heading for the front of the room—Reggie squeezes Julie’s shoulder in passing. They share a quick smile.

“Good luck,” he says. She can’t respond, but he knows her smile is for him.

–––––

ALEX

Alex has never experienced this type of music live. They have a whole band up there—two guitarists, a woman sitting on a cajón box, and Julie with vocals in the center.

“And now you see Julie’s other band,” Flynn whispers to them. “The Molinas.”

The song begins softly. Alex can’t understand anything Julie’s singing, but he doesn’t have to know the words to hear her voice. As the beat picks up, so does her volume. He can see the moment she loses herself completely to the music; it’s the same at their own concerts: her eyes squeezing shut, one hand pressed in front of her and the other at her side. She can’t stand still, either. Julie steps over her younger siblings sitting on the ground carefully, but she’s bouncing on the soles of her feet. The music’s contagious—by the time she’s danced around the room and made it back to where she started, the whole room is clapping on beat. They’re grinning at each other, some singing along, some cheering.

Alex can’t fight a smile. It’s impossible. He looks at Luke and Reggie—they mirror him. The energy Julie and her family has created is infectious, as music should be; even if he still doesn’t know what she’s saying.

Julie ends the song on her own with a stretched out note, instruments falling away with each beat she holds in a breath he can’t believe is possible. Everyone watches with bated breath, anticipation, building excitement for this girl. Julie Molina—Alex shakes his head in disbelief. What a damn star.

Flynn leaps to her feet when Julie finally takes a breath. “WOO!” she shouts. “Go off girl!”

Alex finds himself laughing when the room erupts into cheers. Luke is practically vibrating with excitement. Reggie shouts with Flynn.

Julie takes a bow, shoulders bouncing with quickened breath and eyes shining under the dark makeup.

Flynn yanks her into a tight hug. “Oh my gosh, that was incredible!” she cries.

“Seriously,” Alex agrees. “You killed it.” He fist bumps her, hidden from the rest of the room in front of Flynn.

“I have no idea what you said, but it was beautiful,” Reggie adds, starstruck.

Luke grins at her. “You never cease to amaze me, Jules.”

As the excitement dies down, so does the party. The family disperses in groups until Carlos and Julie are hugging tía Victoria goodbye, and Ray is closing the door to a finally quiet home.

“So,” Ray says, turning to his kids. “One last thing to do tonight.”

Carlos nods. “I’ll grab the candles.”

"And I'll get… everything else," Julie adds. She glances at Alex and the others on her way up the stairs.

They meet her in her room. Alex sits on her bed. "So, what's next?"

"We're going to the cemetery to visit Mom's grave," Julie explains, opening her closet. She grabs a bag and joins Alex on the bed. "You guys can come if you want. People light up the graves with candles and lights—it's beautiful."

Sounds beautiful, but—Alex looks over at Luke and Reggie. They meet his gaze with as much hesitation as he feels.

"I think we're going to hang back," Luke admits softly. "It's, um… I think it's kind of weird for us, you know? Since we're…"

Julie blinks. "Oh, right. Duh. Of course." She shakes her head. "That's okay."

Alex smiles. "But we'll be here when you get home."

She nods, returning his smile. Her eyes flicker to something behind him, and she hurries around the bed. Alex is just turning to her when Reggie gasps.

“The box," he whispers, eyes wide.

"Don't act like at least one of you hasn't been in here already," Julie mutters, opening the box on her bed.

Alex and Reggie throw a look at Luke, who's chewing his lip sheepishly.

"What're you doing?" Luke asks, moving to her side.

"I—" Julie quickly tucks a piece of paper into her pocket. "I'm just… It's an offering for her."

Luke frowns. "Okay. Sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"No, it's—"

"Julie!" Ray calls up the stairs. "You ready?"

Julie sighs. "Yeah, dad!" She shifts her weight, glancing between them. "I'll tell you guys later, okay?"

Reggie nods. "Yeah, of course."

She takes two steps toward the door before turning back to them. "Group hug?" she asks hopefully. "Real quick?"

Reggie immediately wraps his arms around her. "Like you even have to ask," he mutters. They chuckle. Alex rolls off the bed, and he and Luke join in. They've been doing this a lot more: hugging. Ever since they've been able to touch each other, this has become their thing. Not that Alex is complaining.

When Julie pulls away, she's smiling so wide. Alex smiles back, but he can't help thinking there's something behind that skeletal grin. He doesn't ask; none of them do. They let her go, despite the feeling gnawing at him. Later, he decides. Hopefully they can figure it out later.

–––––

JULIE

The cemetery was always Julie’s mom’s favorite part of Día de los Muertos. There’s a chilling beauty in a sea of lights across acres of land, crowded with people who can all relate on some level.

Rose Molina’s grave is lined with white and blue candles—she always loved the ones that smelled like the ocean. There are guitar picks scattered across the stone, most of which didn’t come from them. Ray suggested previous bandmates; Julie has never met the previous bandmates. She wants to one day; hopes to.

They stay with her for a while. She doesn’t know how long they sit by her, telling her stories about what’s happening in the past year. They have a lot to catch up on—Julie’s sure this is Carlos’ first visit since she died. It’s definitely Julie’s. Her dad’s been here a few times, only once or twice. She wonders if there have been any recent visits.

There are tears in her eyes when they finally stand to leave. Her dad catches it somehow—she’s sure her dark makeup shadowed by the dim light would’ve covered her—and before she can blink, he’s wrapping his arms around her in a tight hold. She would’ve buried her face in his chest if she had washed her paint off. But she didn’t, so she doesn’t hug as tight as she wants, and she pulls away too soon.

As they’re leaving, Julie remembers the note in her pocket. “Wait,” she says, falling out of step with them. “I forgot something.” She lingers, shifting her weight. “Can I meet you in the car?”

Carlos frowns. Dad nods. “Of course,” he says softly.

Julie watches them go, disappearing in the crowd. In just a blink, she’s alone. The note is heavy in her chest. With a deep breath, she turns back to her mom.

“Hey,” she says, sinking to her knees. “I have something I want to show you.” She crosses her legs under her and unfolds the note in her hands. “Remember that song we started writing while you were in the hospital? Stand Tall? We never… got to finish it…” With trembling hands, Julie slips the note beneath a picture frame Carlos left at the base of the stone. It’s a moment captured after Julie’s performance at The Orpheum: her, Carlos, Dad, and tía Victoria, posing under the Julie and the Phantoms sign.

“Well, my friend Luke helped me write that second verse,” she continues. “He’s—He’s kind of more than my friend. You know who he is, and what he is.” She laughs. “Don’t judge me too hard for this relationship, okay? He’s really… a great guy. They all are: Alex, Luke, and Reggie. They’ve helped me in… more ways that I can put into words.” The next time she laughs, her voice is shaking. She sniffs; the black on her nose smears across her hand when she rubs her face. “Anyway, um, I just wanted to give you this. And I wanted to tell you thanks. Thanks for sending the guys to me. Thanks for giving me the courage to get back into music. Thanks for…”

Julie shakes her head. The tears are back—she tries swallowing them back. Maybe if she can just hold it in for a little bit longer, at least until she takes the paint off—

“I really miss you, Mom,” she says carefully, slowly, like every word takes all of her strength. “A lot. Every day. I miss you. I miss you. I love you.”

Someone stops behind her stone. Two people, actually. Julie sniffs. She wipes at her nose again; she doesn’t care what she looks like now.

“Julie?”

That’s weird. Sounds almost like—

“Carrie?”

Julie brushes off her pants when she climbs to her feet. She sniffs again, eyeing the pair across from her: Carrie and Trevor Wilson. Trevor is holding a bouquet of flowers; it takes her breath away—dahlias.

“We were just coming out to pay our respects,” Trevor says. He separates a dahlia and hands it to her.

“Nice makeup,” Carrie says, not unkindly. She’s actually smiling, kind of like she used to when they were friends.

“Thanks, I—Flynn did it. Well, not…” Julie gestures to the smudged paint.

“Right.” Carrie reaches into her bag and offers a wad of tissues. Julie takes them with a smile. They share a nod, Julie thanks Trevor for the flower, and they go their separate ways. At least Julie doesn’t feel as heavy as usual when she walks away from Carrie.

At home, when her face is clean of any paint and she can see herself again, she steps into her animal slippers and makes her way down to the studio. The guys are waiting, just like they said they would. They smile when they see her, and she smiles back, but her gaze settles on the piano, and then she can’t look away from the piano.

Two years ago, she played a song while her mom strutted around the studio, pretending to sing terribly and still managing to sound like an angel. The year before that, Julie and her family sat on the floor surrounded by candles and told ghost stories because an earthquake knocked out their electricity (that’s where Carlos’ fascination comes from). The year before that, they—

Julie’s lip quivers. Her fingers curl around the arm of the couch, her vision blurs, and everything hurts. Someone’s in front of her in seconds—it’s Luke. He’s holding her close, tight against him, fingers in her hair, and she just breaks.

Her hands tighten into fists around his shirt. She buries her face in his shoulder; now that she’s started, she can’t stop. She tries to speak, to explain, but—

“Shh,” he whispers. He rubs circles into her back. “I know. I know, baby.” He kisses her hair. “It’s okay, Jules.”

She doesn’t try speaking again, and when Alex and Reggie join the hug, she just cries harder.

When she wakes the next morning, she’s on the couch. Luke’s behind her, an arm around her waist, legs tangled. Alex is in front of her, sitting against the couch with his cheek pressed against the cushion. She grimaces for him; that can’t be comfortable. On the floor, with his head in Alex’s lap is Reggie, curled in a ball against the couch. They never left her side last night.

With a heart swelling with warmth, Julie snuggles closer to Luke. Her movement causes him to hold tighter, which takes her breath away.

Julie smiles at something across from her before going back to sleep.

Laying on the coffee table in front of Alex, at the edge, as if it doesn’t want to leave her side either, is the dahlia.

[adam-t-cox]

Traditional Publishing Overview

So, you've finished your manuscript, its all polished up and ready for... what exactly? If you're anything like me after the first 24 hours of elation wear off you'll be asking yourself, "What the $&*! do I do now?”

I've been considering starting this blog for a while but didn't want to do it until I’d finished publishing my own work. Now that I have, I’m amazed at just how much work an author still has left once they’ve finished their manuscript. I’ll be sharing whatever knowledge I gained during my journey in a series of posts in the hopes that fellow first-time authors might be able to save some time and effort during this extremely complicated and often demoralizing process.

So first off: Congratulations! Finishing a manuscript is no small feat and should be celebrated. After you’re done celebrating, the first thing you’ll want to consider for the next leg of your journey is what type of publishing method you want to pursue for your book.

Let’s start by talking about traditional publishing. For most authors, this is the path we think of when we picture our books on the shelves of an Indigo, Coles, or Barnes & Noble. But how does this process work and how long does it take?

First let’s outline the process itself:

1.      Query letters to Literary Agents/Agencies

2.      Rejections/Revisions/Offers of Representation/Acceptance

3.      Waiting…

4.      Agent finds a publisher

5.      Further revisions or changes requested by editor at publishing house

6.      Revisions are approved and work begins on formatting and cover design

7.      Book scheduled for release.*

*There may be additional edits or work requested during the formatting and design process before the book’s initial release. But from what I’ve heard its usually minor stuff.

 Now I’ll be going into more detail on the steps that I have experience with in later posts, but I’ll give you the quick version here. Basically, in traditional publishing very, and I mean VERY few publishers will accept unsolicited manuscripts directly from authors. I can count on one hand the amount I’ve found in Canada, and I never found one in the US. All the ones I found in Canada dealt with children’s literature or non-fiction titles, so they were a no go for me. Which means you need a literary agent to pitch your book to publishers for you.

The agent or agency has their reputation to throw around and likely already has a good working relationship built with the publishing houses they’ll be pitching to. So not having one makes it essentially impossible for you to do anything with your manuscript. Now, this may seem unfair, and feel like someone is intentionally setting up barriers to keep you out. That’s because essentially they are, and for a completely understandable reason.

You are an unproven writer; no one knows if you’re the next Stephen King or Terry Pratchett yet. For every great or even good writer out there, there’s hundreds of not-so-great ones, and you’re all competing to have your voices heard. The publishing houses have enough work on their plates without filtering through this noise on a daily basis. Hence the role of the Literary agent. A liaison between the author and the publisher, with the goal of publishing your work in a way that satisfies everyone involved, while also getting the two of you paid.

So first you have to write a query letter to agents. Which is a topic that will require its own post to explain in enough detail. You will probably craft a handful at a time and wait for responses to filter in before sending more out. You will get rejections, and a lot of them, it happens to everyone. Don’t let it discourage you, you wrote an entire manuscript after all, we already know you can work past disappointments and move on.

Now, if you’re lucky enough to get the hallowed ‘offer of representation’, you will probably be thinking, “Amazing! My book will be published in a month.” but just hold on a second. It’s still going to be a while before you get there. There are likely going to be requests for edits from the editor at the publishing house. Which, if you’ve already signed the paperwork, are mandatory and may not be negotiable at all if you want your book to see the light of day. Then there’s the formatting work, cover designing, and figuring out where in their lineup of book releases your title will end up.

All in all, based on my own experiences, and from what I’ve heard from a few others, this process could take anywhere from 1.5 to 4 years to complete.

“Up to 4 years?!” I hear you yell at your phone or computer screen. Yes, it could easily take that long. Finding a literary agent alone could take 1-2 years, especially if you are working full or part-time while pursuing this. Also, you are likely a first-time writer, and the publishing house is taking a gamble that your title will sell. It’s not guaranteed income for them like the sequel to a best seller from a well-known author would be.

So why bother doing it if its going to take so long?

Well, there are LOTS of benefits from publishing your book through a publishing house and using a literary agent. Here are some of the biggest ones that made me try this method first:

1.      If you do well, they do well:

There is a real incentive for the people you will be working alongside to help you better your product, your writing, and give you advice. These are people who have worked in the industry for many years and have extensive knowledge of what works, and what doesn’t. That is incredibly valuable.

2.      Professional Editors:

By now you’ve edited your own work about 1000 times right? Well guess what, there’s still mistakes. Trust me … I know. A good editor at a publishing house can really help polish your manuscript, improving the overall reading experience of your readers. Also, they are great at finding the plot holes you are still blind to.

3.      You don’t have to focus on managing your book:

This is probably the biggest boon that traditional publishing will give you as a writer vs. self publishing. Especially if you already have more books in the series or your next stand-alone ready on the back burner. Once they approve any edits they request, everything else is pretty much hands off for you. Sure, you might get an email or a call about some aspect they want to go over with you (Cover design, formatting, maybe another small edit.) but for the most part you’re done until its time for the release and your shameless promotion of your book to anyone and everyone. This means no late nights formatting each individual release of your book (ePub, PDF, Paperback, Hardcover, KPF, Apple Books, etc.), no hunting for artists or cover designers, and no extensive marketing campaigns to manage after release. Just you and your computer, working on your next big thing. This will save you so much time it’s not even funny.

 There are of course other reasons why traditional publishing may be right for you, but these were the big ones that made me pursue it. Personally, even though it didn’t work out for me with my book, I still think it’s worth a shot for most authors. And for the record I still plan to pursue acquiring a literary agent for my future projects.

But with that I think I’ll call this overview done and like I said, I’ll be going into more detail in later posts, so stay tuned.

Have a good one,

-Adam

P.S. The next post in this series will be about the steps involved in self-publishing and some of its biggest advantages.

[notebooknebula]

Jeremy Knauff - His Inspiring Story of Surviving A Health Crisis

https://www.jayconner.com/jeremy-knauff-his-inspiring-story-of-surviving-a-health-crisis/

If you are interested in hearing and learning the most inspiring story that Jay Conner heard this year, stay tuned and watch this video.

Jay is in the Mastermind group with a gentleman who is phenomenal. His special guest today has experienced a health crisis and survived it.

In today’s episode, they are going to dive deep into the inspiring story of Jeremy Knauff.

Jeremy has become successful not because of brilliance, charm, or a superpower, but rather because he’s always learning and refuses to give up. He is a speaker, author, and founder of the digital marketing agency Spartan Media.

He is an entrepreneur, digital marketer, author, proud father, husband, and a US Marine Corps veteran. Today, he runs Spartan Media, a digital marketing agency where they provide web design, SEO, social media, and PPC marketing services.

“A lot of the people I work with come to me because they have a website but they aren’t getting enough new business out of it. Other people come to me because they’re losing business to competitors, or because they don’t think their website presents their company to potential customers very well, or even because they’re starting a company from scratch and they don’t want to screw it up and waste a ton of money. If that describes you or sounds like anyone you know, let’s connect.” – Jeremy Knauff – https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeremyknauff

If you want to learn how to get funding for your deals using private money, get on over www.JayConner.com/trial  for 30 days of free access to Private Money Academy.

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http://bit.ly/jaymoneypodcast

Jay Conner is a proven real estate investment leader. Without using his own money or credit, Jay maximizes creative methods to buy and sell properties with profits averaging $64,000 per deal.

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Jay Conner (00:04):

If you are interested in learning and hearing one of the most inspiring stories that I've heard this year, I want you to stay tuned. I'm in a Mastermind group where the gentleman that is just phenomenal, he has taken his filter off totally. And he has made it through and survive on the other side, just a very serious health crisis. And so if you are going through a health crisis or, you know someone that is going through a health crisis, stay tuned right now, you're about to be inspired.

Jay Conner (00:45):

Well, welcome to another episode of Real Estate Investing with Jay Conner. I'm Jay Conner also known as the Private Money Authority. And on today's show, we're going to take a little bit of a detour. We're not going to dive deep into real estate per se, but we are going to dive deep into a very inspiring story that can change your life and make a difference. But before we get to my guest, I have got a gift for you. And that is if you're interested in getting funding for your real estate deals, without relying on banks, mortgage companies, any kind of institutional lenders, then here's my gift. I launched earlier this year, it's called the Private Money Academy membership. And twice a month, I go live on a private Zoom coaching call, and I interview successful students. We taught deals. Talk about how we're finding real estate deals, how we're getting them funded with private money.

Jay Conner (01:43):

Again, without relying on banks and institutional lenders. We talk about all kinds of real estate, but I want to give you a free gift. Come join us and check us out at www.JayConner.com/Trial, after the show, get right on over to www.JayConner.com/Trial, And again, if you're on a YouTube or iTunes or Google play, we really appreciate it for you to like share subscribe, rate, and review and on YouTube, be sure and tap that little bell. So you'll be notified. So you don't miss out on any of these fantastic shows and guests that I have on here. Well, as I mentioned or alluded to a moment ago, I'm so excited to have a friend, and fellow mastermind brother, come on here to the show to tell his story and make a difference in your life. So let's bring out of the green room or right on here up front. Mr. Jeremy, Jeremy, are you there?

Jeremy (02:48):

I am here. How are you doing today, man?

Jay Conner (02:49):

Scott, I lost connection. So I'm going to sign out real quick and hop right back in. I'll be right back.

Jay Conner (03:00):

There we are. Jeremy, can you hear me?

Jeremy (03:02):

I can hear you.

Jay Conner (03:03):

All right. Well, welcome to the show, Jeremy. I appreciate so much. You've taken the time to come on and join me.

Jeremy (03:10):

Thank you. It's my pleasure.

Jay Conner (03:11):

You bet you. Well, as I mentioned to everybody here in the opening you and I are in a Mastermind together and a few weeks ago, I heard you speak on stage and I just really appreciated your authenticity and et cetera. But before we jump into your story of breaking through and living through the health crisis tell her about your background story and how you gotten to where you are today and tell a little bit about Spartan Media.

Jeremy Knauff (03:44):

Yeah, so I've had kind of a, an interesting ride. You know, I finished high school joined the Marine Corps, bounced all over the world there for a while. And then started my first business, which was a colossal failure. Pretty much lost everything went into massive debt from there. Spent a few years kind of rebuilding started my second company an agency, and ran that successfully for many years until the episode that you had briefly hinted at in the beginning here, when I had a health crisis that almost killed me. And then, you know, racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars of medical expenses and bills and burn through all of our savings. Basically had to start over from zero, well from less than zero, really because we had racked up debt and, you know, then I had the additional challenge of starting over, which in the marketing world, you know, at that point, I was pretty much on my death bed for about two years. So there was no case studies, there was no examples, there was no clients. So I had to start over from less than zero at that point. And now here I am today.

Jay Conner (04:52):

Wow. So I want us to get into your health crisis story and lessons. We can learn from that, but before we do tell everybody about Spartan Media and what your company does.

Jeremy Knauff (05:04):

So Spartan media is a, basically it's a full service digital marketing agency, but what we've been focusing on lately is taking people and turning them into an authority within their industry. Right now the website doesn't really reflect that because the cobbler's kids always gets shoes last, but what we've been doing lately is taking people and turning them into an authority within their industry. So there's a particular example that I like to use. And that's this example was kind of the pivot point for me. At one point in time, me and a good friend of mine, I ran my marketing agency, he ran a printing company, a particular client together. You know, he did all the printing stuff, we did all the marketing design and all of that. Well, at some point in that relationship, he decided to sell his printing business and go work for client.

Jeremy Knauff (05:58):

And he quickly moved up to become the Chief operating officer. But then because of some things that happened with the founder the company was kind of in turmoil. And they got to a point where I think it was 19 franchisees were walking away from the organization. They were trying to organize a class action lawsuit. They had all kinds of online reputation management problems to deal with. It was just, it was a complete toxic mess from top to bottom, but what happened was because of all the things we were doing for them with the search engine optimization, the social media, the PR, all of the various marketing components. He went from basically having no experience, being nobody in the industry. I left out a piece. He, the founder had to step down and he had to step up and become the CEO because at that point, the relationships were just destroyed.

Jeremy Knauff (06:49):

So as a result of all of the things that we were doing for them, he ended up becoming so recognized. And so authoritative within his industry that last year, before all this COVID stuff happened, I was actually in DC with him. He was lobbying Congress on behalf of his industry. So he went from basically being nobody in that industry to now he's up here talking with congressmen and senators about the laws that affect that industry. So we develop that into a front end service where we basically take someone and turn them into an authority within their industry so that they can get more media coverage, get in front of more people charge more money and you know, make more profit.

Jay Conner (07:31):

So what is your like ideal client? Like what type of industries does your service work well for?

Jeremy Knauff (07:38):

Generally, it comes down to somebody in a, like a professional business services, right? So it wouldn't be necessarily good for a restaurant owner. I mean, although it, theoretically it could help them in some ways it's not going to have the same impact that it might for somebody like you, where you want to be recognized as the person to talk to when it comes to this kind of stuff, private money, hard money lending, stuff like that. So generally somebody that's in a professional business service is going to see the most impact from this.

Jay Conner (08:06):

Okay. That makes sense. Well, let's let's dive into your personal experience and your personal story.

Jeremy (08:13):

Yeah.

Jay Conner (08:13):

So I'm going to turn it over to you to tell that story, Jeremy, and I'll interrupt you when I think I need to.

Jeremy Knauff (08:19):

Okay. All right. So this one was a, this was an interesting ride. I touched briefly on the crisis itself, but basically what happened was I was kind of on top of the world, had plenty of clients had plenty of money. Everything was going great. And then out of the blue, I get hit with this, with this health crisis. And, you know, I went to every doctor under the sun. I was going to the emergency room three to five times a week. I was trying to figure this out. Nobody had any answers and it just kept getting worse and worse and worse. So, I was pretty much on my bed for the first two years of this. You know, we did all kinds of things from a pharmaceutical perspective, from a diet perspective, I was seeing all kinds of specialists. I was seeing, you know, things I would have never considered like, you know, energy healers and acupuncturists and all kinds of non-traditional approaches.

Jeremy Knauff (09:13):

And throughout the beginning of this, it was incredibly frustrating because the doctors didn't know what it was. So they just dismissed it. It was, Oh, well, you're having a, you're having a panic attack. You're having an anxiety attack. Well, I knew that wasn't the case, right? Because I had this pain from basically head to toe from the skin down to the bone and it was constant. It was 24 seven. And it was a level of pain that I have never felt in my life. It was a 10 on my chart. And to put that in perspective, I took a tattoo off with a drum sander once. All right. So I have an abnormally high pain tolerance. So I've got this excruciating pain in basically every cell of my body, no doctors have any answers. There's no idea as to when it's going to end.

Jeremy Knauff (09:58):

And there was a point where I'm walking around my house, as you know, as this stuff is going on. And I didn't mention this on stage, but I have a lot of weapons in my house. A lot of firearms I'm Marine, this shouldn't surprise anybody, but I remember walking around and I would see these weapons in various rooms. And I would be feeling this incredible pain. And I knew that there was no answer. There was no idea as to when it was going to end, how it was going to be solved? And I got to a point where I actually understood how people got to a point where they chose to take their life.

Jeremy Knauff (10:39):

And it got to the point where I actually took everything, disassembled, everything tossed in a duffel bags. And I called a friend and I was like, look, I, we don't really have anything to worry about yet, but I'm just letting you know that I may ask you to come pick these up and store them at your house for a little while. Right. So I've got all these thoughts that are just like, absolutely outrageous. Like I've never had these kinds of thoughts before. And then right around that time, one of the toughest guys I've ever met, a guy I served with, his name was Todd Grant ended up taking his life.

Jeremy Knauff (11:18):

And as Terrible as that situation was, I also feel like it was a sign, right? Like I'm going through this, this happens. And I figured at that point, this is going to be, it's a sign. And we're going to find a silver lining in this situation. And where I saw from that was, this is an opportunity to help fellow veterans. I don't know if you're aware of this, but within the veteran community, we're losing 22 roughly per day to suicide. So from that point, I made it my mission to, despite going through this insane health crisis, despite being in massive pain with no idea what the hell is causing it, or when it's going to end, or if it, if we even could fix it. I'm going to get out there. I'm going to get back on top. I'm going to serve as an example to the other veterans, to the other people who are struggling. Even non-veterans everybody, people who are struggling, people who don't know what they're going to do, they don't see a solution to their problem.

Jeremy Knauff (12:22):

And, you know, I began being very vocal about the challenges I was going through. I was very vocal about what's going on, what you know, how to overcome these things. I was just completely transparent in all of this. And at the same time, I started reaching out to people who I knew were struggling, fellow veterans, as well as civilians. And it got to a point where my number was just freely passed around. And pretty much everybody knew that if somebody was struggling, they could give out my number freely to anybody. And as a result of that, I, there are several people that I've talked to. I've probably counseled hundreds of veterans over the several years that this health crisis has gone on. I remember one particular one that was really moving for me. And that was a buddy of mine from high school, reached out to me one night and he's like, Hey, we've got this guy.

Jeremy Knauff (13:20):

You know, he just got back from Iraq. He's going through all these issues. We've sent him everywhere. He's gone to all the counselors. He's gone to all the, you know, the doctors he's done everything and nothing's working. And he's like, do you mind if I give him your phone number? I was like, absolutely, have him call me. So the kid called me we were out of town visiting a friend of my wife's. And so I take the call. I go outside and I'm talking to this kid for, I don't know, probably two, three hours, get him to a point where I think he's in a good spot. Come back in the house now because of my health crisis, I've got my phone set to where at a certain time in the evening, it goes into do not disturb mode. So it's not going to ring things will still show up on the screen, but it's not going to make any noise.

Jeremy Knauff (14:06):

So, I come back in the house just a few minutes after he and I had talked and I got this little thing that dings up on the phone, no noise, just notification on the screen, it's a voicemail. So I pick it up and listen to it. Cause it was, it was him. And I'm like, well, maybe, maybe something went wrong. Maybe he's still got a problem, whatever. I listened to the voicemail and he's just sobbing uncontrollably. And he's like, I just, like, I don't know what to say. I've talked to all these counselors, nobody's had any answers. And like, I talked to you and you just, you get it. And now I'm like, I'm in a place where I see a light at the end of the tunnel and I see what's possible. And like I'm in a, such a different place than I was even before I was in the military.

Jeremy Knauff (14:45):

And he's like, you know, just thank you. And it was just such an emotional message. And that's the kind of thing that I took out of this whole experience is the silver lining here is had I not gone through this? Had I not had this pain, had this health crisis, had all this stuff happened to me, lose everything, start over and get to a point where I understood how people could take their lives. I may not have ended up on this path where I started helping other veterans and helping other people who are struggling. So that was something that I think I took out of that whole experience, just, you know, to be able to give back into the world in that way and, you know, save people who are struggling in that regard.

Jay Conner (15:28):

Wow. That's amazing. So I know you can't summarize a three hour conversation in three minutes, but what I mean? So you've council just, you know, a lot of people that have had suicidal thoughts and, you know, really, I mean, one of my best friends in the world is I mean, he actually speaks at my live events and a few years ago he took his filter off. And I mean, he had actually gotten to the point of, you know, Googling, you know, how to commit suicide. He'd actually figured out how he was gonna do it. And so he's got his story, but for people that are out there and you know, when the times are going on now, average suicide rates are just out the ceiling before, you know, as compared to historically. But what are some strategies or some therapies that you could share that maybe you have as a common thread when you're talking to people?

Jeremy Knauff (16:42):

From what perspective, as far as like somebody, for somebody who's trying to,

Jay Conner (16:47):

Yeah. Obviously you listened to them in every story is different because every person is different. But is there a way you can share, what are some ways that you get into think about to get into a better place as you?

Jeremy Knauff (17:02):

Yeah. So ultimately you have to look at the situation as an opportunity because every situation is an opportunity provided that you can allow yourself to see it that way. You know, and this was what I went through in the beginning of mine. It was like, well, why me? Why this, this is. Why should this, why should I have to deal with this? But the reality is things happen. The why doesn't really matter. It's up to us to figure out what value we can take from a situation. So what value I took from this, you know, I'm going through this particular thing. And then on top of it, a guy that I served with took his life. Well, I had to find some kind of value in that. And that was how I was able to get through this because now, I mean, think about it, what the hell happens if I decide to take my life? All these hundreds or thousands of people who have been looking up and I've got this thing, I call it the cookie jar, and this is something we'll actually touch on here shortly. Cause this is another way that can help get through these. But like, I've got various messages that I got from people over the years of, you know, how my posts have inspired them or motivated them to push through this particular challenge or that challenge or whatever. So that's a good way to do that is, is having that, what we call it cookie jar, but, had I not done this, had I not found that value in it.

Jeremy Knauff (18:22):

I would not have gone down this path. And I know I don't have the exact count in my head, but I know there's a certain number of people who would not be here today. So, let's say that I didn't, let's say that I got to a point where I took my life. What the hell is that going to show to those people? So now that that meeting is there. That's something to carry me through no matter how bad things get. So as long as we have a strong, why we're going to be able to get through anything, that's why you see, you know, the military doing things that ordinary people can't do. It's because they have a mission and it's not just the mission on paper. It's not, Hey, go kill these guys or blow that up or whatever. It's their mission is the guy to their left and their right in combat.

Jeremy Knauff (19:04):

It's their brothers and their sisters. So when we have a strong, why we have a powerful mission behind what we're doing, that allows us to go through something. And that's why people in general don't accomplish their goals because they want to do it. If it's convenient, they don't want to do it no matter what, they just want to do it when it's nice and simple. So that's, that's one aspect is having a really strong why. The second aspect is the cookie jar thing that I talked about, where you basically take things that you've overcome in your life, right? Like we've all had some pretty terrible things happen to us. So if you can go back and look at those significant challenges, those difficult times and use those as motivation. It's like, Hey, I got through this, I got through that, I got through this.

Jeremy Knauff (19:51):

Then you can use that as fuel. Well, that's just another case of this, right? So now you just, you have that, it's like, I've already done this. Let's just do it again. And the cookie jar, you can look at it in a number of ways. You can have it be something in your head. You could have it be something tangible, like the collection of messages that I've got from various people. It could be, you know, maybe you've got a what a buddy of mine in the military used to call his, I love me wall, all the awards and the recognition and the things he had accomplished. When we have this kind of thing that shows us that what we've done has prepared us for what we're going through now. And I mean, you can even purely look at that from a physical perspective, right?

Jeremy Knauff (20:32):

You know, you look at what we do in the military, or you look at what an elite athlete does, and they're not, let's say you're going to go run a three mile race. You're not going to go run three miles. Your training is going to consist of you running, you know, six, nine, maybe twelve miles. You might do a series of sprints. You might do all these different things that are larger than what you're actually trying to accomplish. So when we look back at the things that we've actually done to prepare for what we're doing in the totality, we've already overcome the thing that we're facing. We just haven't put all the pieces together to realize that.

Jay Conner (21:06):

That is wonderful. Now, you mentioned a moment ago that people you get feedback from people really being inspired and helped with your post. Where could people see your posts and, you know, the types of things that you're posting?

Jeremy Knauff (21:23):

I mean, I'm pretty active on especially on Facebook, but I'm active on most of the social media platforms. I'm not a hard guy to find considering what I do. I'm pretty public and pretty out there. So Yeah.

Jay Conner (21:36):

So Scott, let's put Jeremy's name up there. And so folks, the spelling there is, and if in case you're just listening is Jeremy, J E R E M Y. And his last name is K N A U F F as in farmer farmer. And I guess it's okay to give out your email since we've got it up there on the screen.

Jeremy Knauff (21:57):

Already out there now. It's all over the place anyway. So it's all good.

Jay Conner (22:03):

There you go. So Jeremy says it's pretty easy to find him folks if you want to start following him, I've got one curious question I have is you've talked with all these people. You've helped a lot of people that have considered taking their life. Do you think, or have you heard back and I think I know the answer to this question. Have you heard back, or do you think some of those people that you helped are now out there doing the same thing you're doing and that is helping other people with that situation?

Jeremy Knauff (22:35):

You know, that's a good question. I stay in touch with a lot of them. I don't know if anyone's doing that, but I would hope so. Right. Like, I think that that's something we all should be doing, not just this particular topic, but whatever the topic, right? Like I think we all should be putting value back into the world. And if you know that you've already struggled with the thing and overcome it, then you've got that knowledge, you've got that empathy. You can deal with it in a way that others can't. So I hope, I certainly hope they are. It's. I mean, if you've already got the background, we need to be adding value back to the world in that way. So yes, I hope they are.

Jay Conner (23:10):

Well, you know, it all comes down to serving and I mean, clearly Jeremy, you have got a servant's heart and you said it beautifully, you go through this thing, you overcame the thing and now you can help others do the same thing. I mean, in my education business, the Private Money Authority, it's the same thing I was, no, it's not the same thing. You're not the same thing. The concept is the same. I was, I mean, I've been relying on local banks to fund my deals for the first six years of investing. And this story pales in comparison to yours as far as its importance. But I was cut off from the banks. Then every way to fund my deals, I found a great way to get my deals funding with private money. And then what I started doing two years after that is just teaching other people what I know to do. So, you know, or how to fix the problem now, a mentor mindset years ago, I said, you know, Jay, if people didn't have problems, they wouldn't need us.

Jeremy Knauff (24:17):

This is very true.

Jay Conner (24:20):

And guess what? the world is your oyster because everybody's, got problems. So as we wrap up here on the show final comments Jeremy.

Jeremy Knauff (24:32):

Final comments, I just, I guess, look for ways to add value back into the world. You know, too far, far too often people look at, Hey, what can I get out of this situation or this deal, or this person or whatever. When we look at how we can make something, a win for everybody involved, it creates more value as a whole, and we all rise. So I just think more of us need to take that approach.

Jay Conner (24:57):

Excellent. So one more time folks. Jeremy's very, very easy to find all the social media and all the platforms. Again, you spell his name, J E R E M Y. Last name K N A U F F as in farmer and his company, www.jlknauff@SpartanMedia.com If you are any type of professional and you're looking to be known as the authority and expert in your space, then you definitely want to check out Jeremy and his team it's www.jlknauff@SpartanMedia.com. There you have it. Folks, another show, Real Estate Investing with Jay Conner. I'm the Private Money Authority, and I'm wishing you all the best and here's to taking your business to the next level. We'll see you on the next show.

[taxominn]

A Comprehensive Guide to Archive of Our Own Filters

It’s complicated, I know. I’ve been using the website for years and there’s still stuff I don’t understand! I thought it’d be a nice idea to add a little guide for the filters on here for all those who need it. Enjoy!

What is Archive of Our Own?

Archive of Our Own, called Ao3 for short, is an “archive for transformative fanworks, like fanfiction, fanart, fan videos, and podfic.” (Official Statement on the website.) It’s a place where fans can find and enjoy work from the others within their own fandom, as well as upload their own work!

What are Filters?

On Ao3, Filters allow users to narrow down their searches so that they can find the specific things they’re looking for. BUT, the Filtering system — as well as the tagging system — on Ao3 can get a little complicated.

That’s what this guide is for, so continue on!

Understanding Filters

After selecting a fandom to search in, you’ll see the following image, slightly varied depending on if you’re on desktop or mobile:

(I’m on mobile and I used the Naruto fandom as an example.)

Upon clicking the Filters button, you’ll see a number of choices and drop-down menus:

I’ll be going over these in order!

What is Sort By?

The first option you see is the Sort By menu. Upon clicking the drop-down menu, there are nine things to choose from. What Sort By allows you to do, is choose the order you want your search results to appear in. If, for example, you want the longest fanfics with a bunch of words to appear first, you would click the Word Count option.

If you want the most recently updated fanfics to appear first, you would click the Date Updated option. If you want the fanfics to appear in an alphabetical order (A-Z), you would either click Title or Author.

NOTE: 

Numerical Order — Word Count, Hits, Kudos, Comments, Bookmarks.

Alphabetical Order — Author, Title.

Chronological Order — Date Posted, Date Updated.

Include or Exclude?

After Sort By, there are two sections: Include and Exclude.

If there are tags you want to see, make sure to select them under the Include section.

BUT, if there are tags you do NOT want to see, select them under the Exclude section.

What are Ratings?

Content ratings are used for games, TV shows, and movies. They rate how suitable the work is for its audience, and Ao3 does the same.

Ratings are as follows from most widely suitable to least suitable:

General Audiences - E for everyone can read it!

Teen and Up Audiences - 15 and up, leave the children behind.

Mature - 18 and up, sorry teens, adults only!

Explicit - Even some of the adults left the room. 🤐

Not Rated - In limbo, the author decided not to use a rating.

What are Warnings?

Warnings are assigned to works that contain triggering content that can make readers upset or uncomfortable.

Ao3 Warnings are as follows:

Major Character Death - If a work includes an important character death that doesn’t happen in the source material.

Graphic Depictions of Violence - If a work includes gruesome scenes, blood, murder, death, torture, or fighting.

Underage - If a work includes minors participating in illegal acts, specifically regarding sex.

Rape/Non-Con - If a work includes scenes where non-consensual sex takes place.

No Archive Warnings Apply - None of the above warnings are included in the work.

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings - For one reason or another, the creator does not disclose the warnings in the tags, or the warnings just don’t apply.

What are the Categories?

Ao3 Categories allow you to pick the relationship dynamics you wish to search for, or exclude from your search. They are as follows:

M/M - Two male characters in a relationship.

F/F - Two female characters in a relationship.

F/M - One female character and one male character in a relationship.

Multi - More than one kind of relationship and/or a relationship with more than two people.

Other - A relationship that’s not covered by the above categories.

Gen - Fics that aren’t primarily about shipping or explore different types of character relationships.

What are the Fandoms?

Obviously, fandoms are the different fan communities for pieces of entertainment media (musicians, games, tv, anime, etc.) Since you usually select the Fandom you want before filtering, this might confuse you, but it does have a purpose.

The Fandoms section allows you to choose other fandoms within the one you’re searching for. This is for crossover fanfics, or fics that take inspiration and story elements from more than one source material.

When you click the Fandoms tab, it shows you the top ten most used fandom tags under the fandom you’ve already picked. My example fandom was Naruto, so Naruto is the first fandom that shows up.

What are Characters?

The Characters tab shows you the characters in the source material of the fandom you’re looking in. It shows the top ten most used character tags within your search and the amount of fics that they are tagged for in parenthesis.

Select their names to include/exclude different characters.

What are Relationships?

Under the Relationships tab, it shows you the top ten most used relationship tags for the characters within your fandom. The relationships might include characters from other fandoms as well as the commonly written Blank Character/Reader or Blank Character/Original Character fanfics, if that’s what you’re looking for.

Select any of them to include/exclude from your search.

What are Additional Tags?

When you click Additional Tags, it shows the top ten most used tags in general for your fandom that don’t apply to the prior sections. Here, you’ll probably find the Alternate Universe tags, the Angst tag, the Fluff tag, and other common subjects found in your fandom’s fanfiction community.

Other Tags To Include/Exclude?

If the tag you’re looking for couldn’t be found in the previous options, then type it into the Other Tags search bar and you’ll likely find it. If it's a common tag, then it’ll show in an autofill selection pop-up underneath the search bar. If it doesn’t show up there, then you can still type it in yourself and see if you can find any fanfics that fit your search.

...

Now, after all that, there’s still a few more things to tackle, and that would be the More Options section. Under More Options, there are miscellaneous things you can choose to further refine your search.

Crossovers?

We talked about crossovers earlier! Under this section, you can choose one of three options: Include Crossovers, Exclude Crossovers, and Show Only Crossovers.

Include Crossovers allows crossover fanfics into your search, Exclude Crossovers removes crossover fanfics from your search, and Show Only Crossovers is for if you’re only searching for crossover fanfics.

What is Completion Status?

Completion Status is how much of a work is finished. Here, you have three options: All Works, Complete Works Only, and Works in Progress only.

All Works includes both complete and incomplete works in your search. Complete Works Only filters out any works that are not finished. Works in Progress Only filters out any works that are finished.

What is Word Count?

Under Word Count, you can decide how long you want the fanfics in your search results to be. Depending on the amount of words you specify, it will filter out any fanfics that do not fit into your range.

There are two search bars. The first search bar is labelled From. The second is labelled To.

If you put a number in the From search bar, your search results will only show you fanfics with a word count that is equal to and more than the number you searched for.

If you put a number in the To search bar, your search results will only show you fanfics with a word count that is equal to and less than the number you searched for.

Putting numbers in both search bars will give you fanfics with a word count that falls between the two numbers.

What is Date Updated?

Under Date Updated, you can search for works that were updated within a specific time period.

Like the Word Count tab, there is a From search bar and a To search bar. Clicking on either of these search bars should cause a mini calendar to pop up, where you can select the date that you want to specify.

If, for some reason, that does not happen, then the date format should look like this: YYYY-MM-DD.

If you put a date in the From search bar, your search results will only show you fanfics that have been updated on that date and afterwards.

If you put a date in the To search bar, your search results will only show you fanfics that have been updated on that date and previous.

Putting dates in both search bars will give you fanfics that have been updated within the time span you have searched for.

What is Search Within Results?

The Search Within Results search bar allows you to further specify what you want. Here, after you select all your tags, any thing you put in this search bar will be found in the title or summary of your search results. You can search for specific authors or specific phrases, if you want. NOTE: all the stories you search for will have all the tags you selected.

There’s a small blue question mark next to where it says Search Within Results, and that gives you instructions on how to use special characters/symbols to include or exclude which words you’d like or would not like to find.

What is Language?

After choosing all the different tags and all of that, you have your last selection option. Here, you’ll see a drop-down menu where you can choose one language that you want all of your search results to be in.

Anddd… done!

When you’re ready, click the Sort and Filter button and your search results will pop up!

I hope A Comprehensive Guide to Ao3 Filters has been helpful for anyone confused about the filters and search options. If you’ve got anymore questions, don’t be afraid to ask.

ℋ𝒶𝓅𝓅𝓎 ℛℯ𝒶𝒹𝒾𝓃ℊ!

Taxomin, out! ⭐️

[roguesandsaviors]

What Are We?

Fandom: Marvel

Characters: Tony Stark, Reader

Pairing: Tony Stark x Female Reader

Summary: You never expected to see a one night stand at the front of the lecture hall, ready to teach a class you needed for your degree. What followed was even less expected. 

Word Count: 5,026

Rating: SFW

Warning: Alcohol mentions, one night stands

Author’s Note: This is for Meg’s 11K Follower challenge. Thanks to @thranduilsperkybutt for hosting it. The prompts were Au and trope based, which was an absolute blast. This is the second of a few fics I signed up for. I am always a sucker for the idea of Tony as something other than Iron-Man. College Professor would suit him. He has it in him to teach and he definitely enjoys nurturing young souls. Anyone who doesn’t think that can fight me. The secret relationship trope felt natural to go with the college professor AU and while it isn’t full fledged, the beginnings of it are explored here. I haven’t done a lot of reader insert fics because I find I often struggle with them. So I hope this came out okay.  I am terribly sorry that it is late after you were so generous in giving us a load of time. Not Beta-ed so all mistakes are my own.

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

You never expected to see his face again. It had been the chance of a lifetime when you were presented with tickets to the convention. It meant mingling and networking but most important, it meant being able to talk shop with others that were on your level. If you were lucky, maybe even with some of the most brilliant minds in the country. What you hadn’t anticipated but never regretted was the one night stand that came with it. Of course you had recognized the name as soon as you got there. He was giving several talks throughout the convention and they were the most highly anticipated events of the entire get together. People were lining up hours in advance to make sure that they got seats and when they were gone, a certain amount of people were allowed standing room.

You were lucky enough to get into one of them. It was only happenstance that you ran into the man afterwards and were granted permission to pick his brain. Which of course you did, soaking in every bit of knowledge that he was willing to part with. What you really hadn’t anticipated was him inviting you to drinks. Not looking a gifted horse in the mouth and not being a complete idiot, you agreed to go. One thing led to another and well, the next thing you knew, you were sneaking out of his hotel room before he had woken up. It was better that way. A little more dignified than being kicked out. Only a little.

The memories were fond and ones that you would hold onto for some time.

Back in school, the thoughts faded further and further from your mind. You were entering the final year of your degree and your nose was to the grindstone. You didn’t sit at the top of your class for nothing after all and wanted to ensure that you remained as competitive as possible for a job after graduation. When you stepped into the classroom, the second of your final fall semester, Anthony Stark was the last person that you ever expected to see.

Sure, you had known that he was lecturing. Everyone and their mother knew that. He had enough with his company and had decided that nurturing the so-called future was his real calling. You remembered him being passionate about it over the first few drinks that were shared between the two of you. There was a genuine drive to ensure that the legacy he had created was left in good hands and would continue to evolve. It had been a part of the attraction, beyond the looks and what you were told he was.

He was supposed to be across the country, lecturing at colleges on the east coast. Not out west, at your college of all places, teaching a class that you needed to be able to graduate. The only section offered. Your heart was in your throat.

Normally, you would have chosen a spot towards the front of the class. Easier to engage in discussion and all of that. This was the one instance though that had you slinking to the last row, ducking your head down, hoping desperately not to be noticed. It had meant nothing to him so why were you so bothered? You could act like nothing happened. He surely would. A one night stand at a convention and nothing more. Hell, maybe you would get lucky and he wouldn’t remember you. The thought stung but you refused to give it the time of day or examine why it bothered you. The path that would lead you down was much too dangerous.

You could let out a sigh of relief as others began to file in and fill up the seats. The hall wasn’t big but the size of the class would be even smaller. There would be nowhere to truly hide once he began the lecture and everyone got involved. You were just hoping to save a little bit of face before having to deal with that. If he did remember, it would be horribly embarrassing for him to say something about it in front of the class. He didn’t seem like that sort of man but then again, you didn’t know him. You knew about him yes but knowing him was an entirely different ballgame.

He advised you all to read the syllabus and know when the assignments were due as it wasn’t his responsibility to keep track of it for you. He didn’t give anyone the chance to really settle in or get bored as he immediately launched into his lecture. There was a difference between his lecture and the way that he had talked at the conference. He had been talking to a crowd of some peers and some students but there was an easiness about the conference talk. It was informal and almost impersonal. This? He was fully engaged and he wasn’t going easy. It was a make it or break it pace and there was no doubt that a few students wouldn’t be able to keep up with him. Even so, he made sure the material was accessible and understandable. He knew that he was talking to students but was going to demand the very best from them.

This was the sort of class that you normally thrived in. Being challenged and stimulated was the whole reason that you had gone into the field in the first place. Nanotech in biomechanics was a step above and beyond what you normally dealt with and you fully intended for it to be your capstone project the following semester. It would be tough finding some willing partners but you were determined to make it happen.

You may have wanted to go unnoticed by the professor but you couldn’t help yourself. You had to engage when questions were asked, contributing to the conversation and even throwing back some questions at him. The back and forth, even with the other students, was invigorating.

Class came to an end all too soon.

“Ms. Y/L/N, please stay behind for a minute.” You almost groaned but managed to stuff your notebook into your bag without shaking too badly. You had almost escaped. The rest of the students filtered out, a few giving you looks that you couldn't entirely read as sympathetic or jealousy. Ambling down the stairs towards the front of the hall, you fiddled with the strap of your bag. This would have been easier to handle with some liquid courage. Since there was none of that around, you were going to have to deal with it sober.

“Is there something wrong professor?”  A smirk sat on his face and that same air of confidence that he had at the convention surrounded him now. This was a man that was used to getting what he wanted.

“Hardly. Today at least. Sneaking out before some morning fun on the other hand…” You felt your face heat up. Perfect. This was not the place or the time for this but he didn’t seem the least bit bothered by it.  You were thankful that no one had lingered behind for any additional questions. Or to make passes at the man. Those would come.

His chuckle brought you back to the current situation and caused you to shift on your feet.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or mean anything by it. A mind like yours is rather hard to forget. Couple it with a great night and well, you know how it goes.” You didn’t but you weren’t going to say that to him right now. “I just thought that it would be easier for you and I to move past it, for the sake of the class.” Move passed it, right. Like you had thought, just another one night stand. Even if he had remembered you and had just complimented you in a sort of round about way. And the way that he was looking at you.

Before you could say anything foolish, you found yourself nodding.

“Yeah, of course. I uh, this class is important for me. Not just because I need it for the degree. I wanna base my capstone project in the area.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” he hummed. “You were easily the most engaged in class. Asking the right questions. Do you think you are going to be able to get anyone else close to your level to manage that?” Apparently you thought much more alike than could have been anticipated.

“I don’t know. But I am going to do my best to get it figured out.”

“Let me know if you need any help with it. I’m sure I could weed out someone for you to work with. And if not, we will see if there is anything else we can do about that.”

“You would do that?” You couldn’t hide the surprise in your voice.

“I’m intrigued to see what you could come up with, just how far you could go with all of it. Sharpen that mind and hone in some of those skills and you could be almost as good as me. We need that in this world.” Some of the cockiness had toned down and there was a genuine note to his voice that caught you more off guard than his offer just had. If you weren't feeling shy before, you certainly were now. That was some of, if not the loftiest praise that you had ever received in your life. The man before you was an engineering genius and he just said you could be on the same level as he was. You had hoped to be half as good as him and that would have been a hell of an accomplishment.

“Thank you.” There was really nothing else to say to that. You had been stunned into silence beyond the basic courtesy that your manners dictated you give. He nodded, appearing satisfied with the response for now.

“Well, don’t let me keep you. I’m sure you have another class to run along to.” You did, of course. Your brain took a few moments to kick start properly. You nodded and mumbled an incoherent reply before quickly turning tail and getting out of there.

****************************************************** Things had felt awkward for the first few weeks of that semester. Eventually, it faded and you were able to really focus on the important tasks at hand. That meant preparing for your capstone project, even if it was not going to be started until the following semester. You wanted to have as much thought out as possible.

True to his word, Professor Stark was a wealth of knowledge and guidance as the idea was shaped into being. Nothing occurred between the two of you beyond the normal professor student relationship. There was a part of you that was disappointed with that. It was that part that you kept shoved down, hidden and locked away. You knew that there was no point in trying to entertain those sort of flights of fancy. He had made it clear what he was expecting, which was absolutely nothing to happen. You had big things that needed you undivided attention. Giving over to a fantasy, however ridiculous yet seemingly tangible it was, was not going to help you. You had worked much too hard to get to where you were and had too much riding on this. If Stark thought that you were capable of doing great things, you needed to be able to make that happen.

Almost a month into the semester, you were settled into Professor Stark’s lab. Refusing to call him Anthony or Tony made it easier for you to keep your distance. At least emotionally. Physically, it seemed that you spent the majority of all your free time either discussing potential projects in his office or with your head down in his lab.

The small grouping of friends that you had seemed to notice this and loved to point it out whenever you were able to come up for some air and the occasional drink. You couldn’t be all work and no play or you would burn yourself out before you got to your graduation.

A disgusted sound came from over in the corner, where the man in question sat grading papers.

“I don’t think there is any hope for this undergrad class coming through. They are failing to grasp the most basic concepts routinely. Why are any of them even bothering when they are all going to fail out.” He pushed forward the papers. Rarely did you hear him speak like that. It must have been bad. Or he was in a foul mood. You hesitated for a moment.

“They can’t be that bad,” you mumbled before setting aside the text that you were reading. You had been pouring over the latest papers for the past few days, gathering ideas of where the current research was to help focus your own idea. Not that you planned on doing what everyone else was doing but it would help narrow down the categories and choices.

“Here. Read it for yourself.” He motioned for you to come take one of the papers. He didn’t have any TA’s so he did all of his own grading. Having to see for yourself, you made your way over and grabbed the top paper. It didn’t take you long to figure out that he was right. The paper was horrid. Nothing about the concepts discussed were correct and the application was so far wrong that it was painful. This was someone majoring in the field but the paper made it seem like they were some arts major that just copy and pasted a shit ton of things from a textbook.

“Wow.”

“I wasn’t being over the top in the comment.”

“No, you weren’t. This, it’s,” you shook your head. “This is awful. It feels like things were just randomly copy and pasted in without any sort of thought.”

“The rest of the stack is just as bad. I don’t know if the class all signed up as a joke or if they all decided to get shit faced and do the same damn paper. Either way, what am I supposed to do with this? And with them?” He stood up and grabbed for his jacket. “I don’t know about you, but I need a drink.” Was it the smartest idea? No it wasn’t. But you had been holed up for four days working through papers towards the idea that was so close to taking a proper shape. You hadn’t wanted to let it go. A drink was probably just what you needed to reset and give yourself some time to recharge.

“You know what? That actually sounds like a good idea.” In reality, it was a terrible one. That was how the two of you had ended up in bed the first time around. It was a risk that you understood in that moment and didn’t care about.

“Good. You’ve been in here almost more than me. Don’t need to turn you into a recluse just yet. Said you could be like me. Not that you had to be me,” he teased. You rolled your eyes at the comment.

“Great minds and all that jazz right?” you shot back with a grin as you slid passed, though mentally cursing yourself for falling into the banter. There was a level of comfort that had to be achieved, that was there just for the sake of being able to work together. Sharing ideas and having him challenge you mentally meant that it couldn’t be all business and strict. It didn’t go with his personality at all. It would make it too stiff and too difficult to manage.

The bar wasn’t too far from campus, though not frequently by too many students. It meant that you two weren’t bombarded by familiar faces when you entered. The atmosphere was quiet and welcomed. The place was filled with what were likely regulars, those that wanted to escape the crowded bars of a college town. He motioned towards a booth in the back of the bar and you nodded, understanding what he was saying without him having to say it.

He brought two beers over just as you settled into the seat. Generic enough. It wouldn’t be unheard of for a graduate student and professor to head out and share a drink or two. No one would question or think it odd. Not that there was anything odd going on. The thought pushed to the forefront of your mind and you were thankful for it. It reminded you that nothing was going to happen and nothing could happen. This was just a drink between, well friends and colleagues would be the best fitting terms.

There was a silence that stretched between the two of you. It wasn’t awkward and there wasn’t a need to fill it for the time being as you both just sipped your beers and relaxed. He was away from grading those awful papers and you were getting a reprieve from the hole that you were seemingly digging yourself into.

“I’m thinking that you are going to have to work on the capstone by yourself at this point. You are already putting in more hours into it than I am sure others will for the entire project. At this point, I don’t think that anyone is going to be able to follow what you are onto. That being said, I am willing to offer myself as an advisor for it and push back against the board if they take any issue with it.” The offer had not been fully fleshed out the last time it was brought up. It had merely been a suggestion at best. Now it was being laid out in front of you.

You set your beer down out of fear of spilling it and somehow making a fool of yourself.

“You’re serious?”

“Wouldn’t joke about something like that. But I think you know that by now.” He was right about that. He could brush off a lot of things and make them seem trivial but not something like this. He understood what it meant. He leveled you with a look that meant he wanted a proper answer. Right then and there, you had to make your decision.

“Okay,” you agreed. “I know it’s what I want to do and the only way that it is going to happen.” You watched a smile appear across his face, different from the smirk that he usually wore. It was genuine and caught you a bit off guard but you hid that behind a quick drink.

“Good. I know it’s going to take the rest of the semester for you to refine the idea of yours so I won’t bother asking about it just yet. Or tell you to stop working on it now that you know you aren’t going to have to convince others that it’s a good idea. You won’t anyway.” He wasn’t wrong and a sheepish smile came to your face.

“You’re right.”

“I know.” That brought a laugh out of you. You shook your head and took another healthy sip from your glass. “Guess that settles the elephant in the room then. You can at least stop worrying about it.” He relaxed back in his seat, his shoulders dropping a bit. It wasn’t often you saw him actually relax like that, where he didn’t have something to focus on or the next thing to jump immediately to. You imagined that you had been the same way though since the semester had started.

“Any plans for the weekend?” An innocent enough question.

“More work. There was a concert this weekend that my friends were all heading to but I wasn’t fond of the artist so I really don’t have much else to focus on.” His head cocked to the side ever so slightly.

“You might actually rival me Y/N,” he laughed behind his glass. “You are going to work yourself into the ground. I am going to lock the lab. You need a weekend off.”

“Coming from the man that doesn’t know the meaning of the words day off?” you challenged right back.

“Maybe when I was younger. I have gotten better about it in recent years,” he hummed softly. “And that’s a lesson you are going to learn early on if I can do anything about it. There’s a difference between working through a break through and burning yourself out. You have other classes that I know you need to focus on. Which isn’t the point of taking the weekend off mind you. Take a trip out of the city or something. That’s something that’s still done right?”

It was your turn to laugh. You could understand the sentiment behind it though. Your friends had been urging the same thing. It was just hard to pull yourself away when you were close to finally getting the idea to where it needed to be. It was in your grasp and you didn’t want it slipping away.

“You realize that I could still go to the library or just work in my dorm.”

“I did plan for that.” Your brow furrowed when that was the response. Planned for that? You had no idea what that meant. “You are taking the weekend off or the lab is off limits to you completely next week. I’ll have it locked up and maybe even take a week off myself. I can get someone else to proctor the testing that I have for all the classes.” For a moment, you thought that it could be a bluff. A whole week away? It didn’t seem like something that he would do but that damned smirk of his was taunting. He seemed serious as he cocked a brow in challenge. You weren’t sure that you were willing to call him on such a thing. A week outside of the lab and wouldn’t him to bounce ideas off of could really put a monkey wrench into your plans. It was a good damn threat and he knew it. Your shoulders fell and you had to admit your defeat. There was no way that you were going to risk that happening.

“All right. I’ll take the weekend off.” Though you had no idea what you were going to do for it. With all of your friends away, you were really on your own. You had just promised not to work so you were going to have to figure out what you were going to do. The man across from you looked like the cat that caught the canary and you rolled up a napkin and threw it at him. “You don’t have to look so damn smug about it.”

“Course I do. I got what I wanted and now we can move on. I’m going to get us some more beer. Unless you wanted something different?” He was on his feet but had paused at the side of the booth. There was a moment that you really debated what was a good idea and what wasn’t. If you couldn’t work then it meant that you didn’t have to be up early. If you didn’t have to be up early, then  you could afford to drink a little more than usual. You had already taken the risk in coming out with him to the bar so what was a little more?

“Yeah, some vodka.”

“Coming right up.” It wasn’t like you planned on getting drunk with the man. That had happened once already and while you wouldn’t ever mind a repeat of that night, it couldn’t happen.

*************************************

The weekend off had been exactly what you needed to recharge and reset. The drinks and the relaxed company had helped. You had made it back to campus before parting that night. No funny business happened, even if your subconscious tortured you about it later that evening. The drinks had become a part of your regular routine. Every other weekend, on Friday, the two of you would leave the lab and head to the bar. A couple drinks, some jokes and banter exchanged, and a walk back before separating. You would take the weekend off, or at least put some focus on your other classes. They were all a breeze for you at this point so it wasn’t like you had to dedicate too much brain power to them. Just enough to get good marks and move on.

Another Friday night had rolled around and the routine was maintained. You hadn’t been in the lab for once, choosing to settle into the library and work on one of the whiteboards there. The alarm on your phone went off though and you knew that you had to wrap it up. It wasn’t like the two of you had talked about where you would meet up. It had just been happening since you had been spending so much time in the lab with him. So you assumed that it would be the same as it was every other weekend.  

After you lifted your bag to your shoulder, you slowly made your way to the edge of campus, staying mindful of your surroundings. If he didn’t join you by the time you had made your way to the bar, you decided that you would turn around and head back to the library. There were still a few things that needed to be worked out on your paper for another class before you turned it in in four days.

You made it to the bar just in time to hear your name called.

“Y/N!” He sounded happy. You pushed off the feeling that came with it. “I thought you might have flaked out on me since you weren’t at the lab.” You gave him a smile.

“I know better than to call your bluff. I know that your threat still stands.”

“At least someone understands the value of a good threat still.” The bar was filled with faces that were now somewhat familiar. You didn’t know names, not talking to anyone beside Tony here. That barrier had fallen after the second visit to the bar. It just didn’t fit to keep calling him by his formal title while the two of you were drinking together.

“Well, it holds enough weight and consequence that it holds value. You just have to know how to properly threaten someone these days.” You moved to the booth that you always occupied while he grabbed the beers that you started the evening off with.

********* The pounding in your head was the first thing you noticed. The sunlight creeping in through the blinds didn’t help the situation at all. You reached up to grab the pillow and pull it over your face only to realize that your arm was a bit pinned to your side. In fact, you weren’t able to move at all. You opened your eyes, groaning at the action as light assaulted you, to realize that you weren’t in your room at all. It looked unfamiliar. Then, it registered that there was a warm body beside yours and an arm around your waist was keeping your own arm pinned down to your side. Things weren’t adding up  to equal out to anything good at the moment. You tried not to let any panic make the headache worse but you had to get up.

“Stop wriggling so much.” The voice was muffled but unmistakable. That was definitely Tony. You should have never agreed to go out for drinks with him. You had no clue what you were going to do now. It changed things once again. It wasn’t like you could both just go and forget about it. He was supposed to be your advisor next month. You were going to have to spend a lot more time with him than you already were. This whole mess complicated that beyond belief.

“Tony, I have to get up.”

“No you don’t. You have to go back to sleep.” You thought that maybe he had just done that when there was a pause. “You have one hell of a hangover and so do I. It’s early on a Saturday, the sort of early that no one should be awake unless they stayed up all night to see it. So go back to sleep, stop worrying.” That was easy for him to say. Stop worrying? How the hell were you supposed to do something like that when you had just slept with your professor and soon to be advisor? You may not have remembered much of what happened after deciding to leave the bar but it was more than obvious given the warmth of his skin against your abdomen that you were lacking more clothes than what would be proper.

“I’m not going back to sleep. I have to get up.” The unspoken leave was there.

“Not letting you go this time.” You didn’t understand that. He was the one who recommended keeping things a strict professor student relationship. He was the one who brought up putting the one night stand beyond you and acting like it never happened. Now he wanted to flip the script? That was not fair and a shot that he couldn’t just call like that.

“Let go.” It was a demand, clear and simple as you shifted and grabbed his arm to pull it off of you. “I’m leaving Tony. And that’s that.”

“Y/N.” His voice was softer and much more awake than it had been before. “Sweetheart, turn over and look at me.” You didn’t want to. There had been enough risks taken and it landed you here in his bed. Again. Only this time, you couldn’t escape. He huffed behind you before shifting himself, pulling you onto your back so you didn’t have a choice. You were forced to look up at him as he hovered over you. Nothing was said as he looked down, almost to the point that it became uncomfortable. That was when he leaned in and kissed you.

[9hwa9joong]

My Top Songs [2020]

Hi all!

As 2020 comes to an end (thank whatever higher power there is), I wanted to share a list of my favorite songs! (the following are songs RELEASED this year) (I’ve included a list of songs that I heard this year, but weren’t released in 2020, after it). These are mostly korean/chinese.

Alright, this is in NO particular order, just my favorites. I’ve mostly included one song from a group/solo act and added their other great releases in description. It is mostly music that I listened to, so if your favs are not here, feel free to rec me good music! ENJOY!

(the list ended up becoming quite long, so read under the cut)

Black swan(orchestral version) by BTS

BTS had a great year musically. 2 korean albums, 1 japanese and lots of solo stuff. My most played songs are Dynamite (listen, she did what she had to do), Stay Gold (if gold had a sound, this would be it), Black Swan, Blue and Grey (i live for melancholy), Life Goes On (spring day’s successor), Filter(park jimin is a threat), Friends (my feels!), Louder than bombs (TROYE SIVAN), UGH (murder music), 00:00, Moon (jin solos are beautiful always) and Your Eyes Tell (honestly, show me one bad japanese single, i dare you).

Ghosting by TXT

I got into TXT a lot more this year, as opposed to being a casual listener that I was last year. Many people say they have a no-skip discography and I believe it’s true. My most played songs were Blue Hour (i ADORE this song), We Lost the summer, Wishlist, Can’t you see me (the song that made me a stan), Fairy of Shampoo (ethereal), PUMA (choi yeonjun is a threat), Eternally (an ATTACKK!) and their f2020 cover.

Answer by ATEEZ

Ateez is another group i really got into this year, mesmerized by their performance abilities. My most played : Star 1117 (i’m very soft for this song), To the Beat (a true bop), Inception (holy jongho vocals), One day at a time and Good Lil Boy (does hongjoong ever have a bad rap verse?). Their Black Cat Nero cover also blew me away!! (i’m lowkey obsessed).

God’s menu by Stray Kids

I’ve been keeping an eye on Stray Kids ever since hellevator came out and this is my favourite song by them, so far (yes, i had a heart attack when i first saw Hyunjin). Most Played : Back Door (the beat drop gives me life, the choreo is probably my fav), All in, Easy (do they ever have a bad chorus?), GO LIVE (the beat??!! killer), Another Day (i am a slow jam hoe) and My Universe.

Pacman by eaJ   

I didn’t think it was possible to love him more after day6 but Jae’s solo music has proved me wrong. Yes, i love Pillows (with Keshi) to bits but pacman is my first love. Most Played : It just is (Seori and their golden vocals), LA TRAINS (vocals!!!), Pinocchio (the mv is adorable, the beat is so fun), 50 proof (the vibes man, it's the VIBES) and TRUMAN.

Left & Right by Seventeen

Another group with amazing releases this year, I’m slowly getting into Seventeen more these days. Most Played : Fallin’ Flower (so beautiful, the vocals), 24H (the beat change?!!???), 17 (Joshua, DK and Pink Sweats) and HOME;RUN (this is a brand of fun that is entirely their own).

Not by the moon by GOT7

I am no stranger to GOT7, i’ve liked their music for years now but this is one of their more lyrical releases this year and i adore when GOT7 does this type of music. Most Played : Poison (jackson opens it and the vibes are immaculate), Last Piece (the way the vocals flow into the rap) and Thank You, Sorry.

So Beautiful by DPR IAN

This is literally the first song i’ve heard from this artist, please rec me more. I also adore No Blueberries with DPR LIVE and CL.

Eight by IU, Prod. SUGA

IU is an indisputable vocal queen, and her music always comforts me greatly so when i heard she was having a song produced by Yoongi, i promptly lost my shit. It was everything I expected and more and embodies sorrow and pain with great grace. Give you My Heart from the ‘Crash Landing on you OST’ was also a loved song this year.

Cry for me by TWICE

How do i talk about the queens? TWICE is the group i go to when I want fun music with good vibes but this song has such bad b*tch vibes that i am in love. Most played : More & More (a bop), Don’t call me again, I can’t stop me (i love the way it flows), Handle It (the vocals??? How pretty this song is???) and Say Something (seriously, eyes wide open is an amazing album).

Criminal by Teamin

Where do i start with Lee Taemin? I love almost all his solo stuff. He grabbed me by the neck ever since ‘Move’ and hasn't let go. Criminal is SO taemin that i don't think anyone else could have delivered the concept with such grace and grit. Most Played : 2 Kids (the chorus is so good), Clockwork, Idea (i love the vibe) and Pansy (i'm a ballad hoe).

Maria by Hwasa

Listen, i loved Twit when it came out but i love Maria as her sound so much more. Most Played : I’m bad too (feat. DPR LIVE) (i love the beat, the vibe and the flavor), LMM and Orbit from ‘The King: Eternal Monarch OST’ (as soon as her voice comes in, i loved the song).

Breath by DEAN, Rad Museum, Mokyo

I’m not aware of many DEAN releases this year, please feel free to rec me if I missed any.

Dear my friend by Agust D ft. Kim Jong Wan (NELL)

D-2 was everything expected from the second mixtape off Agust D and yet it brought a fresh wave of singing and melodies, once again proving the man’s production genius. This song is so reminiscent in it’s lyrics and still so real, its my favorite off the record.Other songs I loved : People, Deachwita and What do you think? (i DID love the complete mixtape though).

Given - Taken by Enhypen

Yes, I watched  I-LAND. Given-Taken was a better debut then I expected at first. 10 months (the chorus and beat) and Flicker off their debut album were also played a lot. 

I just want to stay with you by Zion.T

The King: Eternal Monarch was a much awaited drama for a lot of people and it’s OST is one of the best ones this year. Zion.T’s amazing vocals really did an amazing job of expressing the love in the story. Other songs I really liked from this album were Gravity by Kim Jong Wan and the Hydrangea Instrumental by Lee Geon Yeong.

The purge by Jay Park, pH-1, Woodie Gochild, Sik-K, and others.

H1GHER: RED TAPE is my hype album of the year. All artists involved did an amazing job. Seriously, get yourself some bomb ass beats, as a treat. Other loved tracks : Telefono Remix (Woodie Gochild is great at his flavour of delivery), Closed Case and The Arrival.

Soul by Lay (zhang yixing)

Yixing’s album LIT was his best project till date, no arguments. He’s really evolved into such a refined musician, especially with how well he merges traditional chinese instruments into Hip Hop/RnB beats and I adore the vibe of this album. Although the album is great entirely, Soul is my favourite for how softly and prettily it flows. Other loved tracks: Eagle (the BEAT), Fly, Boom (bops on bops on BOPS) and Call My Name.

100 ways by Jackson Wang

It is astounding how well Jackson has formed his own style of music ever since starting off with Papillon. He’s also sort of come into himself as an artist and it has birthed some great music. Other loved tracks : Pretty Please (i love the vibe of the song!) and Should’ve Let Go (ft. JJ Lin).

SUGA’s interlude by Halsey 

Idk how else to explain it but Halsey and Yoongi have great music synergy. There’s something about their song/lyric writing that matches very well and needless to say, I adore the song. Blueberry eyes by MAX is also another great Yoongi collab.

In Your Time by Lee Suhyun

It’s Okay to not be Okay had an OST that was dreamy, gritty and very fairytale-esque, much like the drama itself. Among a bunch of great songs, this one is my favourite. Other loved songs: You’re Cold by Heize (always delivers!), Breath by Sam Kim (OST angel), Hallelujah by Kim Feel (chills!), In Silence by Janet Suhh (literally how angelic is her tone??), I’m your Psycho by Janet Suhh (it’s creepy in a dreamy way) and Brother | Her World | Through the dark Tunnel of time | Butterfly - all amazing instrumentals by Nam Hye Seung and Park Sang Hee (seriously, go listen to the album).

By my side by Junny

Another great discovery towards the end of the Year, Junny has vocals for DAYS and admirable delivery. Other loved songs: AURA ft. pH-1, edge (this is so hypnotising in it’s beauty) and I will. Please feel welcome to educate me more about this artist!!

Make a Wish by NCT

NCT always provides bops and NCT U is my favourite sub-unit, for their unique style of music, so when they came out with this song I was ready and they delivered! Most Played : 90’s Love  (the old boy band theme was so well done), From Home (i’m a sucker for slow songs), Nectar (yes, i adore WayV’s music), MAD DOG by NCT 127 and Kick It by NCT 127 (this is the flavour of NCT i LOVE).

Zombie by Day6

Day6 has always been in my daily otations and as always, they put out good music after good music. I loved both the original Korean and the English versions of this song (they do rock well, what else is there to say?). Other loved songs : Tick Tock (oh the vocals, the way the beat moves!), Love me or Leave me, Day and Night... actually the whole Album is great, go listen to ‘The Book of us: The Demon’.

Fearless by Ma Di [other chinese songs]

Chinese songs have been a surprisingly pleasant addition to my daily rotation. Fearless from the “Go Ahead” OST takes the top stop because of how well it embodies the struggles of stepping into adulthood, the melody and MaDi’s amazing vocals. Other Chinese songs I loved: Praise for Red Plum Blossoms by Xiao Zhan (the perfect welcoming of spring paired with  such expressive vocals), Remaining Years by Xiao Zhan (Joy of Life OST) and his OST for the Oath of Love.

 ____________________________________________

The following is the list of songs I heard in 2020, but were not released in 2020. Please let me know if you like them, or if you know other similar music! (I know, I know, I’m late to the game) Enjoy!

DEAN - Sometimes I hear Howlin' in my head 

Zhang Jie/Zhang Bichen - Simple Wish 

Li Ronghao - If I were Young

JJ Lin - What I Miss

Ateez - Mist | Twilight | Wonderland | Say my name | Thank you 

Stray Kids - voices

Seventeen - Trauma

Loona - Hi High

Day6 - Shoot me 

GOT7 - You calling my Name 

RADWIMPS - Is There Still Anything That Love Can Do?

Baekhyun - UN Village

Taemin - Goodbye | want

Aquillo - Silhouette

Talos - To Each His Own

Cigarettes after sex (literally everything)

__________________________________________________

I know this was long, if you read it till the end, I hope you all enjoyed it still.

Have a smooth year in 2021,

-love, c.

[msbarrows]

Never Again, Newegg

So today I splurged and bought a new gaming laptop, my first computer purchase since I got my old Dell Vostro 400 desktop back in 2007 (which amazingly still works as of the last time I booted it up, it’s just a complete dinosaur and I don’t even have it plugged in or connected to anything since I last rearranged my desk back in November). Shiny New Laptop (which was new in 2013) was a gift. So this was a very exciting day for me.

Purchased an HP Omen 17″ direct from HP Canada, and am very happy about the purchase (also got a new monitor on sale, with full HD resolution - current monitor tops out at 1600x900), and even popped for a 3 year extended warranty, because HP is having a thing where if you don’t actually use it, you have 90 days after it eventually expires to request a refund. First time I’ve actually said yes to an extended warranty; kudos on whomever decided that was a good policy to have, I entirely agree.

Anyway, with those on the way, there were also some odds and ends of additional items I wanted to purchase. Like they only had the 17″ available with a 256GB PCIe SSD boot drive paired with a 1TB secondary HDD - and I’d rather have that second drive also be an SSD. HP lets you do things like change/add drives or RAM without it invalidating your warranty (they even tout how easy the case is to open as a feature), yet another thing I’m really liking about this purchase, so I decided to pop for a 2TB SSD to replace that with. I plan to stick the HDD in an external 3.0 drive enclosure; removing it should increase the battery life of the laptop, and I have a nice powered 3.0 USB hub I can plug it into for use (yay past me for planning ahead and getting a 3.0 hub rather than 2.0). Figure it can hold things like big media files where playback speed is not a real issue, ie, movies and music and photos.

So anyway, I’d never used Newegg before, but I didn’t want to throw money at Amazon, and Best Buy didn’t have everything I wanted, so I decided to try them out. Website is fairly nicely designed, their filtering is awesome (best I’ve found yet) so it was very disappointing when I went to submit the order and things immediately started going seriously wrong.

First off, it apparently timed out partway through submitting the payment. It landed me on a screen saying that the order hadn’t been processed, I hadn’t been charged, and to please try again. I stupidly believed that, and didn’t double-check (my bad, but still their site’s fault). So I redid the submission. It went through. Checked my email - yup, there was the order emails. Yes, multiple, they process every item ordered as a separate order and order # rather than as one set of multiple items, so I had 5 emails in total - received your order, charged payment for items 1-4. Ugh, stupid design, but whatever.

Go to make supper. A bit later my brother (who was kindly letting me use his CC for all this) came to check with me, very concerned - he’s received 10 emails. The order had gone through twice. So I leave off making supper, go upstairs to cancel the duplicate order... only the Newegg site says the items are invalid to cancel. What. The. FUCK.

Double check my emails - I have the second set of emails too, arriving a good 20 minutes after the first. I immediately get on with their online customer support, explain the situation, list all 8 order numbers divided into their two sets.

Customer rep can only cancel 2 of the 4 on first order, because apparently once they start packaging an order, you can’t cancel it any more, and despite it having been only around a half hour since I placed the order, some of it’s already being packed. Okay, so can we cancel the duplicates on the second order? She goes to look that up, I tell her exactly which two order numbers that would be, as I have the order screen open in front of me. Nope, she can’t do that one, lists one of the numbers she’d already cancelled. We go back and forth doublechecking, I again tell her what two specific order numbers still need to be cancelled. Nope, still can’t do it. Another run of double checking, list the two specific numbers a third time - and ffs, it turns out the problem is she hasn’t noticed the difference between a duplicate order ending in 79703 and the one ending in 80703 that she’d previously cancelled, which is why her attempts to cancel it have repeatedly failed. GAH!

By now we’ve been in chat for almost 40 minutes, and I have progressed from being merely annoyed to flat out frustrated RAGE. She finally tries to cancel the right numbers, and NOPE, those are now also in packaging. Supposedly my only option is to wait until they arrive, and either refuse the delivery (assuming I can identify which package(s) are those two specific duplicate items) or process a return. And while she says that a return wouldn’t involve a restocking fee, I can’t help but notice she’s not saying anything about shipping costs. Just WTF kind of poorly designed ordering system is this!? And who the hell doesn’t have a built-in buying remorse period of at least an hour before they start on actually shipping stuff?

Argh. Ugh ugh UGH. End chat, go to finish making supper, talk it back and forth with brother about what we should do (while feeling horrible that I ended up putting doubled charges on his card). So distracted I ended up burning the rolls for what was going to be meatball subs, and had to do noodles instead. Supper was very late, good thing this is not a day where he’s working nights.

Thankfully, someone somewhere successfully fixes it; after supper I found three emails saying they were “out of stock” on the duplicate items, and when I checked their site again, I’m now showing as having 3 of the 4 items remaining (and all with the button for me to manually cancel them enabled), and everything else cancelled (thankfully the one item they cancelled both of is just a 16gb USB key I wanted for recovery media, and I can get one of those just about anywhere). So, at least they made it right in the end, but that doesn’t at all help with the earlier frustration, and being so full of rage I was both nauseous and on the verge of tears, which is not a feeling I at all enjoy. Crying because of a heartbreaking scene in a book = good, crying because of a crappy customer experience = bad.

Never buying from them again, no matter how nice their filtering is. Never recommending them to anyone. Just, never ever again.

[miracle-sham]

Plan D for Dicey.

| {MaribatMarch2020 – Week 1, Day 6: Unconventional Weapon} |

| [Ao3 Link] | | [Masterlist Link] |

| Triggers/Warnings: D&D typical Violence, kidnapping/imprisoning of Player Characters, Explicit Language/Swearing, (Also not so much a Trigger/Warning but this a gen/platonic fic). |

| The Wayne (bat)family attempt to play their first streamed session of Warriors and Warlocks. Unpredictably, things go surprisingly well. |

| Word Count: 4323 |

==–==

| A/N: So firstly, I got really carried away writing this so it's being posted a day late. Sorry! But fun fact, this means I'm posting this on my birthday, so wooh! Also if you can't tell yet, I'm a massive D&D geek (been playing for roughly five years now but I still fell like a complete noob whenever I play or DM :P). And DC has its own version of D&D (W&W/Warriors and Warlocks) and upon reading Day 6's prompt, my immediate thought was the improvised weapons mechanic from D&D. Also also, I originally intended for this fic to be MariTim (hence the tags) but I got caught up in all the platonic fun of the family playing D&D I kinda forgot to write in the shippy bits? |

| A/N cont.: Writing this was actually a massive challenge because at the start of this I had absolutely zero idea on how to write a D&D session as a ficlet. So this might be a bit more clunky and unrefined compared to my normal work (or that could just be my self-doubt talking). As I mentioned earlier, I got really carried away writing this because I love D&D so much. I would have written more but this ficlet is long enough and late enough as is. But if I were to continue this ficlet in additional parts, I definitely can already think of so many ways to improve writing this sort of fic (and maybe next time I won't forget to add in shippy stuff). Anyway, thanks to those who read these A/Ns, and I hope you guys enjoy reading this! |

| If you want to be tagged in future oneshots/fics, or a specific Au, then comment or send me a DM/ask! |

| Also side note, Don't Like? Don't Read. Also also, please do not criticise any of my writing. This was written for fun and receiving criticism, even in a compliment/criticism sandwich, is the exact opposite of fun. |

==–==

Marinette, with Tikki on her shoulder, bursts into the Wayne Manor games room, barely able to contain her excitement. As the first in the room, she can't help but glance across the square conference U-table already set up with everyone's character sheets, dice equipment, other equipment, and snacks and drinks. Bounding over to her designated seat (right side, place nearest to the DM's section of the table), she pulls her chair out and sits down.

 The rest of the Wayne (bat)family, including Steph but sans Alfred and Barbara, slowly filter into the room and take their designated seats. Jason takes his seat next to Marinette whilst Dick takes the seat directly opposite. Steph nabs the seat beside Jason, Damian stakes a claim to the seat next to Dick (despite it already being his designated seat), Cass sits down in the seat beside Steph, leaving Bruce to take his seat next to Damian.

 Tim's the last of the family to enter. He slips into his seat, the DM's seat—as he is the most experienced Warriors and Warlocks player at the table—and grins downright ferally at his players.

 He looks up at the cameras and recording equipment that is set up in the middle of the open space in the square U-table. “Hello and welcome to Plan D for Dicey, the first-ever Wayne Family Warriors and Warlocks fifth edition stream. We weren't quite expecting so many people to petition that we stream our sessions after a few people—” Tim fake coughs twice, “—Dick and Marinette—” Tim fake coughs twice again (whilst Marinette and Dick both grin and wave cheerfully at the cameras), “—rambled about their characters and some highlights from previous sessions, on Twitter. So we decided to give this a go and see how the session pans out whilst being streamed. So as a word of warning, prepare yourselves for the Venators, probably one of the most dysfunctional parties in W&W to miraculously band together.”

 As soon as he says this, the rest of the table burst into grins and cheers (excluding Bruce who despite also smiling, looks like he's just aged five years). Marinette's side of the table all high five each other in their excitement.

 Tim pauses for a second. “For anyone unfamiliar with who I am, I'm Tim. And as you can probably tell from the table set up, I'm the Dungeon Master for this campaign. That's because I've been playing W&W for just over five years now and have had experience DMing before. But for the rest of the players here, this is their first campaign and by extension first time playing. So before we begin our session, first let us introduce our players and their characters.” He nods to Marinette's side of the table.

 She immediately slaps her hands on the table, pushes her chair out and stands, she waves at the cameras again. “Hi, I'm Marinette and my character is Nella Septa-Punctata. She's a Protector Aasimar Celestial Pact of the Chain Warlock, and she has a Sprite Familiar called Tikki. Nella's Chaotic Good and a little anxious but she tries her best to be a kind and heroic adventurer.” She then sits back down, scraping her chair back in again.

 Jason raises an eye at Marinette's antics but shrugs. “I'm Jay, I play a Winged Variant Feral Tiefling Gunslinger called Rehodros. He's Chaotic Neutral, verging on Chaotic Evil at times, and he only joined the Venators because they helped save him from backstory related stuff and he ended up getting reluctantly attached to them.”

 Deciding to also stand up from her chair as well as slap the table with both hands, Steph smirks at the cameras. “I'm Stephanie, my character's Speilsol Leyer, and she's a Chaotic Good Variant Human Ancestral Guardian Barbarian with the Tavern Brawler Feat. She lives for beating up bad guys and doing good, even if it goes against the law.”

 Cass decides to take things one step further and moves to sit on the back of the chair, balancing it carefully as to not let herself fall. She waves at the cameras. “Hi, I Cass. Play Balabitara. Neutral Good, Kalashtar Shadow Monk.” She then sits back down on the chair normally.

 With one half of the table introduced, Tim nods towards the other side of the table.

 Dick winks at the cameras, “I'm Dick and I play Niriwyse, a Chaotic Good Eladrin Glamour Bard who's along for the ride and just wants to have a good time.” At that, he wiggles his eyebrows.

 Scoffing, Damian glares at the cameras. “I am Damian and my character is Rokian. He is a Firbolg Circle of the Shepherd Druid and is Lawful Neutral in the sense that he believes the only laws that should be obeyed in the world, are that or the laws of nature. He begrudgingly joined this party of adventurers after they saved an animal friend of his.”

 This leaves Bruce as the only one to have not introduced himself and his character yet. He smiles his Brucie Wayne smile at the cameras. “My name's Brucie and my character is called Chirop. He's a Chaotic Good Bugbear Swashbuckler Rogue. He comes across as very gruff, but he's just a big old teddy bear at heart.”

 Tim coughs under his breath. “Alright, with our introductions over, let's get on with the show.” The lights in the room suddenly dim and turn a dark red shade whilst creepy echoing organ music begins to play from hidden speakers. “Last session, our brave party of seven adventurers were captured by the evil Lich Dreldaz whilst trying to rescue the beautiful princess Theophania—”

 “—Timothea!” Corrects the rest of the table.

 Rolling his eyes, Tim continues. “—from the cursed castle in which she has been trapped in, by Dreldaz.” He pauses, steepling his fingers as the dim red lighting becomes a dark grey shade. “The Venators awaken, only to find themselves shackled to the walls, in individual stone brick cells and stripped of any and all equipment bar the clothes on their backs. From what you all can immediately tell upon waking, these cells are small, cold, dark and dingy. What do you do?”

 The seven players all exchange glances between themselves.

 “I'd like to look around my cell, see if I can find anything or if I can get an idea of what the cellblock we're in looks like?” Jason announces after a few seconds.

 Tim nods. “Roll a perception check, please.”

 Jason narrows his eyes Tim. He reaches towards the red and black dice set beside his character sheet and picks up the D20. He shakes the dice in his hands before rolling it into the dice box. It lands on a 7. “Alright so because I don't have my gear any more, that means I don't have my eyes of the eagle right?”

 “That's right,” Tim responds.

 “Mmk, that's a seven then, plus my perception modifier… Fourteen total.” Jason glances up at Tim once he finishes calculating.

 Humming, Tim glances down at his Mysterious™ DM notes. “With your Darkvision, you manage to make out that there are two small barred windows on the walls adjacent to the wall with the cell door. The door luckily has a barred window in it too, but you're too far away to glean anything from peering at it.”

 Marinette purses her lips and double-checks her character sheet. “Is there anything magical about the darkness in these cells?”

 “Roll an Arcana check to see.” Is Tim's response.

 She reaches over to the pink and gold dice set beside her character sheet and picks up the D20. She shakes the dice in her hands before rolling it into the dice box. The D20 lands on a 16. “Sixteen! Wait, plus my arcana modifier, uh…” She scans her sheet for the relevant modifier, “plus six, so that's uh… oh heck maths, uhh I think that's twenty-two total? Yeah.” She nods to herself at calculating the maths.

 Jason snorts and addresses the cameras. “This is why you should stay in school kids!”

 Huffing, Marinette elbows him in the side. “Fight me!”

 Not evening flinching at the elbowing, Jason pats her on the top of her head. “Friendly fire, Mari! Friendly fire!”

 Tim waits for silence with his best poker face on. “As far as you can tell, there is nothing magical about the darkness!”

 “Really?” She furrows her brows. “Alright then.”

 He smiles in response.

 Dick glances down at his character sheet then up at Tim, he taps his fingers against the table idly as he speaks. “The walls of the cells are stone? So I can use my Cli Lyre to cast Stone Shape and create a hole in the stone where the metal shackles connect, which would free me, right!”

 Clicking his tongue, Tim shakes his head. “Nope, you don't have your Cli Lyre on you right now, so you can't cast any spells from it.”

Cursing under his breath, Dick frantically scans his character sheet for anything. He reaches his spells and freezes and slaps the spell sheet (and by extension, the table). “Ah hah!” He crows, “I will cast Knock on the shackles!”

 Tim raises an eyebrow, then looks down to flip through his spell cheat sheet. “When you cast the spell, it makes a loud knock that's audible for up to three hundred feet. Are you sure you want to cast this?”

 Dick falters and furrows his brow, then glances around the table at the rest of the party. “I think I'll wait and see if anyone else has a way to escape this first? Wait we can all hear each other speaking from our cells, right?”

 “You can indeed.” Tim answers.

 “I got nothin',” Jason admits, putting on his Rehodros voice, which is just his normal voice but deeper and with a raspy—almost hissing—clipped tone.

 Steph, using her Speilsol Leyer voice (which sounds like she's putting on a weak German accent), shrugs. “I could try breaking the shackles? I'm strong enough to do cool things like that?”

  “But that will also be fairly loud.” Bruce points out, speaking with a gruff tone of voice (which is significantly different from his gravelly Batman tone of voice) for Chirop. “If I had my lockpicks, it would be easy to escape stealthily. But without them, I can't see a way for me to get out of these shackles.”

 Damian wrinkles his nose. “I might be able to summon creatures, elementals, or fey but what I get is determined by the DM and may not be entirely helpful. However, I could try wildshaping?”

 Tim smiles cryptically and the lighting behind him changes from dark grey to lime green. “You could.”

 Damian nods. “Alright then, I will use my wildshape ability to transform into a spider.”

The lime green light fades to flickering orange-red light. “As you try to use your druidic abilities to magically assume the shape of a spider, you feel a burning sensation around your wrists, right where the shackles are. You are unable to transform and take…” Tim pauses as he pulls out his black and red dragon dice and rolls a D6 behind the DM screen. “Five points of fire damage.”

 Cursing under his breath in Arabic, Damian glares at Tim. He crosses out his current hp and writes down the new amount.

 Jason taps Marinette on the shoulder. “What about Nells, Mari? She got any tricks up her sleeve to escape?”

 Marinette startles at that, having been chewing her lip and staring intently at her character sheet since her arcana check. She licks her lips then glances up. “I might…”

 She taps a small stat block card with a pencil and turns to Tim with an intense stare. “Is Tikki nearby?”

 At that, Tim grins widely and raises a finger. “That,” He says, flipping through his notes, “is a very good question.”

 “Because on my notes, here it says that last session Tikki was invisible when we all got captured.” Marinette picks up her session notes journal and shows it to him.

 “Would you say Tikki followed after you when you got caught?”

 Marinette tilts her head to the side and Tikki whispers in her ear. Of course, the cameras inability to record kwamis means it just looks like she's thinking instead of listening to a flying red bug deity. “Yep, I would say that. I would also like to telepathically communicate with Tikki and ask if she can come and pick the locks because we gave her a spare Thieves' Tools kit last shopping session in case she needed to pick the locks during an invisible scouting mission!”

 “Indeed you did, so Tikki flies over to your cell and will try to pick the locks on your door first. So roll a d20 and add Tikki's Dex bonus.” He instructs.

 Marinette nods and picks up the dice, cupping her hands underneath it so Tikki can shake then roll it without it looking suspicious on camera. Tikki shakes the dice and drops it as Marinette separates her hands. The dice lands in the box and rolls a 16. “Plus Tikki's Dex mod, that's uh…” She scrambles for the Sprite Familiar statblock card, “Plus four, so dirty twenty!”

 “That's enough to pick the lock. Do you want Tikki to enter the cell and try to pick the lock?” He asks.

 She nods and repeats the roll with Tikki, this time rolling an eleven. “With mods, fifteen.” Tikki then returns to her place on Marinette's shoulder.

 “Tikki barely manages to get the locks open. The shackles open and you land on the cell floor.”

 Marinette punches the air. “Wooh! Freedom!”

 Cass then waves her hand in the air. “Shadowstep out?”

 Tim cocks his head to the side. “As you don't have Darkvision, you can't see outside your cell but you manage to use your shadowstep ability to escape the shackles. Then by peering out the barred window in the door, you manage to shadow step into the cellblock corridor.”

 Marinette and Cass share a high-five.

 “Let's go free everyone else!”

==–==

 It takes them ten minutes to finish freeing everyone else, and start making their way out of the dungeon cell block. The Venators now make their way through the bowels of the castle, searching for the armoury in which all their belongings have been stored.

 “As you push open the grand oak doors, the faint scent of sickly sweet rotting food and fire hits your noses. The doors reveal the next room to be a grand dining room with a long oak table, set as though prepared for a grand feast expecting many a guest. It's adequately lit but the two corners of the room above the door seem to glow with a dim greenish glow.” Tim pauses in his description as lighting changing to a dim greenish light behind him; he rolls a D8 four times (6, 7, 2, 4), behind the DM screen, followed by the rolling of a D20 four times (3, 19, 13, 18).

 “Oh god…” Dick mutters, 

 Jason huffs. “What are you going to torture us with now, oh great DM?”

 Tim smiles cruelly. “Four rays of fire are shot towards the party from somewhere within the dining room. First attack is an eight versus Chirop's AC?”

 Bruce sighs in relief. “That's a miss.”

 Tim continues to smile. “Mmk, the rest of the attacks are, twenty-four versus Balabitara's AC, eighteen versus Niriwyse's AC, and twenty-three verses Rokian's AC. I assume those hit.”

 Damian narrows his eyes at Tim, whilst Dick winces and Cass pouts.

 Tim rolls a D6 nine times, behind the DM screen. “Balabitara takes four points of fire damage, Niriwyse and Rokian both take eight points of fire damage.”

 The three all jot down the damage taken.

 Still smiling, like the truly evil DM that he is, Tim clasps his hands together. “Two skulls, enveloped with green flames, descend from the ceiling. One hovers over the grand table and the other hovers but the top of the opened doors, giving itself cover.” He pauses, then grins. “With the surprise round over, everyone roll initiative!”

 Out of habit, all seven players, and Tikki, roll their D20s in almost perfect sync. Dick rolls an 18, Cass rolls a 9, Jason rolls a 14, Bruce rolls a 16, Steph rolls a 17 with advantage, Damian rolls a 2, Marinette rolls a 10, and Tikki rolls a 14.

 “Twenty or above?” Tim asks.

 “Twenty three,” Bruce announces.

 Jason rolls his eyes. “Twenty-one.”

 Dick grins, “Twenty one as well!”

 Tim scribbles down the rolls on the initiative table. “D'awww, you both rolled twenty-one. Anyway, fifteen or above?”

 “Tikki rolled an eighteen.” Informs Marinette.

 “I got nineteen!” Steph exclaims.

 Jotting down those rolls as well, Tim asks “Alright, anyone ten or above?”

 Cass signs her roll, ‘fourteen.’

 “Thirteen.” Marinette answers.

 Tim glances at the initiative table, then at Damian. “And you Damian?”

 Damian scoffs. “Three.”

 “Okay.” Tim then rolls a D20 twice. “Chirop! You're up first!”

 Bruce looks slightly bewildered. He clears his throat. “Can I grab the nearest sharp pieces of cutlery and sneak behind a chair?”

 Tim nods. “Roll stealth.”

 He rolls an 18. “My stealth modifier is plus thirteen, so thirty-one to stealth.”

 Tim whistles, “To the rest of the Venators, it looks like Chirop just vanishes into thin air.”

“Are any of the enemies close enough that I could move into melee range?” He questions.

 “There's one floating Flameskull hovering five foot in the air, with your Long-Limbed trait, it's well within reach,” Tim informs.

 Bruce narrows his eyes. “I would like to stab the Flameskull with the sharp cutlery, knives are preferable.”

 “Roll to hit. As knives are close enough to daggers, I'll say you can get away with adding your proficiency bonus as well.”

 Bruce rolls, with advantage, a 19. “Plus my modifiers, that's twenty-eight to hit.”

 “That hits.”

 Bruce rolls for damage, 2. “That's two, so seven.” He then rolls for Surprise damage, 8 (5, 3), and Sneak Attack damage, 24 (6, 2, 5, 6, 5). “That's a total of 39 piercing damage. Then I'll use my bonus action to stab it again,” He rolls a 16, “Twenty-one to hit.”

  Tim puts on his best poker face. “That also hits.”

 “Then that'll be…” He rolls a 1. “One damage from the second attack.”

“The Flameskull you hit screeches in fury as it crumbles to bone dust.” Tim then proceeds to make a horrific screeching sound, for immersion of course.

 “What the fuck, Timbo?” Jason asks, wincing.

  Dick cringes. “At least you aren't right beside him! My poor ears!”

 “Rip us closest seats.” Mumbles Marinette, wrinkling her nose.

“Rehodros, you're up next!” Tim announces gleefully, ignoring his suffering players.

 Jason narrows his eyes at Tim, “I want to run over to the table, grab any food on the table that's not rotten, and yeet it at the nearest Flameskull.”

 Tim hums, “Okay, the only non-rotten food you can find, is a block of aged cheese and a bowl of hardened sugar cubes.

 Snorting, Jason cracks his knuckles. “Oh, I have to pick the block of aged cheese.”

 “Roll your attack then. But make sure you only add your Dex modifier to the attack as you're not proficient in improvised weaponry.”

 Jason rolls to attack and also gets a 19. “Twenty four to hit.”

 Tim snorts. “Yeah, that definitely hits, go ahead and roll damage.”

 Jason nods and rolls a 1D4, managing to get max damage. “Four! Wooh! Plus my Dex mod, that's nine damage!”

 “You lob the cheese at the Flameskull, managing to cause a couple of cracks to form on its skull. It turns it's furious gaze to you, intending to intimidate you but the effect is somewhat hindered by the melting cheese covering half of its skull.” Tim flips through his notes and marks down the damage taken.

 “Okay, then I want to grab the bowl of sugar and using my extra attack to throw that at the Flameskull, in the jaw.” Jason smirks and switches to his Rehodros voice, “You look like you've got a sssweet tooth, bonehead!” He rolls to attack and gets a 12. “Seventeen to hit?”

 “That will hit.”

 Jason rolls a 3 on the D4. “That's eight damage total.”

“As the bowl of sugar starts to melt from the heat of the fire, the sickly sweet scent of hot sugar begins to emanate from the Flameskull. The Flameskull does not look happy.” Tim pauses to glance at the initiative table. “Niriwyse! You're up.”

 Dick glances down at his spell list and beams. “I'm going to cast Vicious Mockery. And say,” he puts on his Niriwyse voice, which is just his voice but higher pitch and with a British Estuary accent, “Green is so not your colour!”

 Tim hums, then flips through his notes. “What's the spell Save DC on that again?”

 Quickly checking his spell sheet, Dick answers, “DC 16.”

 “Mmk,” Tim responds non-committally, before rolling a D20 twice from behind the DM screen. “That, unfortunately for you, is a nat 20. Which means it takes no damage and suffers no disadvantage. The Flameskull turns to you briefly, to cackle in your face, before turning its attention back to Rehodros.”

  Dick frowns. “Aww that failed, welp I'll use my bonus action to give Speilsol Leyer inspiration.” He clears his throat and puts on his Niriwyse voice to sing. “Let's get down to business! To defeat, this skull! Did they order heroes, no they asked for none! We're the saddest party you'll ever meet! But you can bet before we're through, Flameskull, we'll make dust out of you!”

 The rest of the table burst into cheers and groans.

 “Beautiful, Speilsol Leyer, you get 1D10 bardic inspiration,” Tim confirms. “And now it's your turn. Show the audience what you've got.”

 Steph giggles. “Okay, okay, I've got a really dumb idea.”

 Tim raises an eyebrow at her.

 “So, firstly, is there anything on the walls, like paintings? Wall sconces? Y'know.” She asks.

 “There's a painting of a naked elven lady on one wall, and a taxidermied fox head on the other,” Tim informs.

 Steph bounces in her seat. “Cool! So I'm gonna rage! Rip the taxidermied fox head off the wall, then run and leap up into the air to bludgeon the Flameskull with the fox head!”

 “Right. Make an athletics roll.”

 Rolling a D20, she gets 13. “Twenty one!”

 “You manage to jump into the air with expert grace. Roll to hit.”

 She rolls a 16. “That's a twenty-four to hit because I've got the Tavern Brawler Feat so I've got proficiency with improvised and-slash-or unconventional weapons!”

 He snorts. “That'll definitely hit, roll damage.”

 Steph picks up her D4 and rolls it, getting a 3. “Do with my strength modifier and Rage damage, that's ten damage! And uh, that's the end of my turn!”

 Tim scribbles down the damage taken, he then checks his notes quickly. “The sugary cheese-covered Flameskull starts to cackle madly. It casts fireball on the party, everyone make dexterity saving throws.”

 On cue, everyone in the party rolls their D20s. Tikki rolls an 18, Damian and Marinette both roll 16s, and Dick rolls a 4.

 Before Bruce rolls his dice, he proclaims, “I'd like to use evasion!” He then rolls and gets a 5. “Fourteen total.”

 “Evasion too!” Cass declares with a smile, she rolls her D20, getting 18. She then signs her result, ‘twenty-seven

 “Shit!” Jason mutters, staring at his roll of 2.

 “Nat one?” Tim questions.

 Jason shakes his head. “Natural two, so seven total.”

 “I also got seven,” Dick adds.

 “Seventeen,” Damian announces.

 “I rolled a nineteen and Tikki rolled a twenty-two.” Marinette pipes up.

 Steph frowns at her roll of nine. “Eleven…” She glances at her character sheet again. “Wait, no! I get advantage on dexterity saving throws!” She shakes the dice in her hands and blows on it for good luck, then rolls it into the dice box. It lands on an 18. Fist pumping the air, she cheers. “Yes! Dirty twenty, fuck yeah!”

 “Alright. Niriwyse and Rehodros both take…” Tim rolls a D6 eight times, behind the DM screen. “Twenty-three fire damage. And everyone else except Chirop and Balabitara take half that, so eleven damage. And of course, Chirop and Balabitara take no damage whatsoever.”

 “Wooh,” Bruce cheers.

 “Wait a second!” Jason interrupts, triple-checking his character sheet, “I've got fire resistance!”

 “Then you also take eleven damage instead of the full twenty-three.” Tim corrects. “And that's the end of the Flameskull's turn. Tikki's up now.”

 Marinette tilts her head to the side as Tikki whispers in her again. “Tikki is going to hold her turn.”

 Tim nods. “Okay then, it's Balabitara's turn.”

 Cass smiles sweetly. “Jump and punch?”

 “Roll an athletics check then, please.”

 She rolls a 13, and signs her results, ‘eighteen.’

 “You barely manage to leap within melee range of the Flameskull,” Tim narrates. “Roll to hit.”

 She rolls her dice again, rolling a flat 17. Again, she signs her result, ‘twenty-six.’

 “That will definitely hit.” He acknowledges.

 Cass then rolls damage, gets a 4, and signs the total, ‘nine.’ She glances down at her character sheet, and then back up at Tim. “Second attack?”

 Tim nods again, still jotting down the damage taken. “Go ahead and roll.”

 Rolling again, she gets a nine, so she signs the result, ‘eighteen.’

 He hums, “That'll also hit, roll damage.”

 She rolls and gets a 3. ‘Eight,’ she signs.

 Tim chuckles, “As you punch the Flameskull twice, the skull shatters and turns into sugary and cheesy skull dust.”

 Cass grins and fist-pumps the air as the rest of the table breaks into cheers.

 “Everyone breathe a sigh of relief! Encounter over.” He comments. “And I think we've reached our halfway mark, so we'll take a quick five minutes break to grab something to eat and drink, and we'll continue on after the break.”

==–==

| Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little oneshot! Comments, likes, and reblogs are much appreciated! |

| @maribat-march2020 | | @vixen-uchiha |

[currantlee]

You mentioned awhile back that you think Felix has some autistic traits. I'm curious to know what traits you think he has? And, to make it interesting, how you think that would affect his relationship with Sylvain?

Before I answer that, I want to clarify for people who don’t know me and might read this that I am an autist myself (Aspie to be completely clear), so I know what I am talking about here. Also, please keep in mind it’s a spectrum. No two autists are alike, not in regards of their symptoms or personality. I know several other people with my diagnosis and some of them show symptoms I don’t while others don’t have symptoms I’m showing.

Update as of the current day: it seems that I have been misdiagnosed with Asperger’s and actually suffer from hospitalism (which does have some of the same symptoms as Asperger’s does) due to years of emotional manipulation and abuse from my mother. I sincerely apologize for falsely saying that I have Asperger’s. I didn’t know any better.

Alright, buckle up, because this is going to be a long post.

Felix’ Aspie Traits…

First up, I think Felix shows signs of Asperger’s Syndrome. Americans will likely know this as high-functioning autism, since it’s as far as I know not an official diagnosis in the US (it apparently used to be, but it was merged into autism spectrum a while back). In Europe and Asia however, it still is it’s own diagnosis.

As for the signs of the syndrome Felix shows: the most obvious one is his dislike / inability to make direct eye contact, which he even admits himself. This is a very common trait of especially aspies and everyone has a different way of describing how it makes them feel uncomfortable. I personally find it impossible to focus on what a person actually says if I do make eye contact. That is because making eye contact for too long actually freaks me out a little, for reasons I can’t explain. It’s just… Scary.

Another obvious trait is Felix’s focus, which borders obsession, on swordfighting. You can clearly see that he is hesitant to do anything, unless it benefits his swordsmanship in some way. For example, he asks Byleth why he should learn magic. If they reply that it will benefit his swordsmanship, he will regard that as a good answer. Another example is Flayn asking him to chop wood and vegetables for him. He only does it once she points out how this would serve as a great exercise for him.

This ties in with another thing about him: dissociation. No, I don’t meant the personality disorder. It is merely the process of getting completely absorbed into something (like a task or a daydream). It is a way to deal with all the information that floods our brains because our perception filters don’t work properly.

You can clearly see in several of his supports that Felix gets so lost in training that he doesn’t realize when people try to address him anymore, even if they are standing right next to him, most notably his support with Dorothea.

A less obvious trait is the fact that Felix can possibly not tell if someone is joking or not (and yes, that actually takes me some time as well every time someone in that game jokes). While he plays it off with his snarky attitude, which makes it seem like he is simply annoyed, there is more than a few examples in which he takes a joke deadly serious. An indicator for that is that Sylvain is always quick to tell him that he was joking with something, possibly because he knows how hard it is for Felix to recognize a joke (I mean, it is kind of obvious if you have grown up with an Aspie even if you didn’t know they have this condition - at least I have been told so by a childhood friend of mine). Yes, he does it with others as well, but he is never as quick with it as he is with Felix.

This also shows in the fact that he is unable to understand metaphors. A great example of this can be found in his support with Bernadetta, wherein she tries to explain him why she isn’t scared of him anymore by telling him that ghosts are only scary because you can’t see or talk to them (however that is supposed to explain it…). Felix immediately mistakes this for Bernadetta thinking he is a ghost.

A far less noticable result of this trait is the fact that he tries to make sense of anything. While this may not be seen as a result immediatly, let me explain. Aspies have two ways of dealing with their natural non-understanding of social stuff. They either back off and isolate themselves (mostly children do that) because they are scared or they start to observe and ask questions.

In Felix’s support with Annette for example, Annette just sings something because she feels like it. Felix however immediately tries to find the logic behind her lyrics, questioning them because they don’t make any sense to him (since he doesn’t understand Annette is just singing for fun and not trying to put a message into her lyrics).

This also shows how Felix finds it difficult to empathize with others. Unless something is very clearly explained to him, he just can’t make sense of it because his brain works different from others. Another example for this is his support with Lysithea: when he catches her eating cake, he just thinks nothing about it. Lysithea however immediately starts interpreting his reaction (like… “Normal” people do this so often and I cannot state how confusing and annoying I find this) and thinks he might go tell everyone. Therefore she gives him the cake in an attempt to keep him from doing so (even when Felix never intended that), which is something he finds absolutely confusing. First up, he doesn’t understand why she thinks he’s going to tell everyone (showing that Felix has no idea how a complex social concept like reputation works) and second, he doesn’t understand why she gives him the cake and assumes she wants to annoy him. Which is not the case: to Lysithea, her cake is something really important, even precious. That is why she gives it to him and it is also why she tries to teach him the value of cake later on. Anyone else, even if they hate cake, would probably acknowledge this gesture as something very sweet.

Another thing this support also shows is how Felix also has problems adapting to a new, sudden situation. He absolutely refuses to try her cake, which she made for him and him only. I mean, he gives in eventually, but before that he is pretty insistent. I know he doesn’t like sweet stuff, but out of being polite, anyone else would probably at least have it given a try without all the arguing. While this is also a good example for how Felix doesn’t understand the concept of politeness (I mean, he is very blunt anyways), it also shows how he finds it hard to adapt to new situations. I mean, he probably tried cake before, but never Lysithea’s cake. Also, she made it specially for him, so she probably thought about how he doesn’t like sweets.

Speaking of politeness though: I often hear that all Aspies / autists in general are very, very polite. This is not true though. Many of us are indeed more polite than “normal” people because first, basic rules of politeness (like not talking with your mouth full of food) is something you can easily learn. Most autists will be happy to, because those rules are actually very, very clear and not open to interpretation. It means it is something we can easily do right. Some other basics (like you don’t tackle people in the subway) are also something that comes naturally because… Ever tried tackling an autist? Please don’t.

However, as I mentioned before, it is a spectrum. Not every autist is alike. There are also enough autists who do either question or not understand those rules. As for bluntness… I think almost every autist will agree that we don’t get lying for the sake of being polite. Which results in the famous pointing out how terrible you friend’s new hairstyle looks (and not even understanding what you did). Felix’s bluntness is similar to that.

Felix is also shown to not interpret additional meanings into words and therefore come up with unconventional things in his support with Ingrid: aside from the fact that he leaves early (another example of him being unable to understand social rules as long as no one explains them), he suggests stuff like stealing the enemy’s horses (which is actually a logical thing to do), meaning something outside of the battlefield. Everyone else apparently assumes they are talking about strategies on the battlefield, when actually only strategy in general is mentioned.

There is something I want to make clear about all of this: autists, and it doesn’t matter if high-functioning or not, are not dumb. They simply lack the instincutal knowledge about social interaction normal people have.

A little quirk: Aspies tend to collect things, even if it is absolutely senseless or even very, very strange from a rational perspective, even to themselves. For example, I know someone who actually collects DLCs, including those they don’t even own the game for. I used to collect soaps because I liked the smell, but never used them. Eventually they got bad and I had to throw them away, but recently I started collecting Copic markers (don’t worry, I actually use those). Felix has a little more of a sensemaking collection: he collects swords. And yes, not all people collecting stuff are automatically aspies. It is just a quirk that is very present within the spectrum.

And now another quirk: Felix is bad at harmonizing. This is actually a common thing: aspies do not have a good control over their voice. While this doesn’t mean we’re all bad singers, it means we tend to talk too loudly, too quietly, very monotone (though this mostly affects Aspie children) and yes… It is hard to talk and sing when others are doing it as well. For example, I never had a problem with singing in front of a class and always had great marks on that. But as soon as it came to choir singing or choir speaking (baaaaaad memories of some language classes here by the way), I really struggled with it. Because while I’m not exactly bad at singing or speaking, I absolutely suck at harmonizing. Funny thing: it is the same with most Aspies I know except one who has sund in the church choir her entire life. So yeah, I can feel Felix here.

Also, Felix is a great example on how autists are never the same: he can keep it short. I obviously can’t.

… and how they could affect his relationship with Sylvain

Alright. You asked for headcanons, you get headcanons.

Getting Together

I think Felix and Sylvain might have a hard time getting together to be honest. Like… It is a constant dance around each other, constantly backing off as they try to adjust to each other.

I think the biggest issue in any autist-nonautist-relationship is recognizing and adjusting to each other’s wishes, needs and boundaries. For example, you can’t expect an autist to cuddle with you every day, just like that. On the other hand, “normies” usually yearn for exactly that: physical affection, be it in form of handholding, cuddling or sexual contact.

So at the end, both sides need to make compromises. Sylvain would have to come to terms with the fact he can’t (immediately) get what he wants, while Felix would have to metaphorically descent into the cold water, meaning doing something he isn’t exactly comfortable with (at first). If you have ever stepped into a cold lake or pool, you know you should rather take the stairs than jump… At least, that holds true for me. You have to adjust to the temperature, which takes a while. It’s the same with adjusting to new situations for Aspies, really.

Like… Once they are actually together for the first time, the first thing Sylvain does is dragging Felix away from the training grounds since Felix doesn’t quite understand that being in a relationship doesn’t mean being alone next to each other. Which leads to Felix breaking up for the first time because “I don’t need a relationship then”.

I think he comes to Sylvain again after like a week because he wants to give it another try. But only if he doesn’t have to spend all of his time with Sylvain. He spends more and more time with Sylv than with his sword though as time goes by.

So yeah. I think it would be a very slow burn between them, a constant dance around each other. They might also break up a few times because Felix isn’t ready or Sylvain notices he is getting too impatient before getting together for good.

Being Together

I think each of them still has their own room at the Officer’s Academy and also when they’re in the army after the timeskip. Doesn’t mean they don’t sleep in the same bed though. However, Felix absolutely refuses to let Sylvain enter his room in the beginning because Sylvain always, always puts something where it doesn’t belong in Felix’s opinion.

Felix is a side sleeper and also refuses to not sleep with his swordhand free. Sylvain usually sleeps on his back and takes up way to much space on the pillow for Felix’ taste, so Felix usually abuses Sylvain as his personal pillow when they share a bed. I think Sylvain likes that though.

Also, when they’re sleeping in different rooms, they usually swap their pillows around, so they are at least able to smell each other. I think that one develops from Sylvain stealing Felix’ pillow as a joke when the latter refuses to sleep in his bed once - Felix actually breaks up after that once more because he feels pressured. Once Sylvain has cleared the misunderstanding and they’re together again though, Felix decides to respond to Sylvain’s joke by stealing his pillow as another joke.

When they’re doing stuff together, they are often comprimising or trading favours. Like… If Sylvain trains with Felix, they go into town together afterwards.

Or they snuggle under the starry sky together because Sylvain wanted to cuddle while Felix just wanted some quiet time for themselves and maybe talk a little. They speak about different constellation’s names (Sylvain probably knows them all because he used to impress girls with those) and how Felix thinks constellations are an absolutely stupid thing because he sees different things in them. In the end, they end up thinking of their own constellations (like the Sword with a Strange Grip or the Horse that Feels a Little Nausy).

Another headcanon: Felix actually hates other people laying hands on his hair / head, because he is pretty sensitive there. However, Sylvain practices to be carefuly only for the chance to do Felix’ hair. So sometimes, he lets him and just grits his teeth while Sylvain is busy. However, I think Felix loves Sylvain washing his hair.

They also like to take each other out for lunch / dinner or spending time at the library in the evenings once the training grounds are closed. Also, Sylvain is a romantic sap who likes to drag Felix to watch the sunset at the fishing pond. He might even get Felix to play some boardgames.

Alright, the next section is something I’m usually not so fond talking about and I really went back and forth on if I should add it to this post for quite a while, but I decided to give it a go because this is something normal people might actually find a little comedic (note: I don’t really mind if Aspie traits are used in a comedic way in media, as long as the figure having those traits is not warped into a total joke through that or heavily stereotyped. If you are, then that is fine, everyone feels different about it). I personally didn’t understand the comedy of this until it was explained to me by some frineds. I think I can empathize a little on why people think it’s funny by now, even though it’s definetly not my kind of humor, so I decided to give it a go.

Basically when Sylvain suggests having sex with him, Felix is like “Why? If you want to have a baby, you would need a girl to do that!”

The background of that is that while many Aspies gain some understanding of the emotional component of sexual contact, most Aspies I know (including myself) struggle with understanding this nature, especially if they have zero personal experience. Rationalized, it is merely a tool to get babies and that is exactly how many Aspies I have met think about it, at least before gaining experience.I figured Felix might share this view at least initially, before he gains some experience.

Alone Together

However, I think that they not only have separate rooms, but also live separate lives. Like, they never really get married. That’s not entirely a Felix thing though. I think both value their independency too much to make themselves depend on someone, Sylvain perhaps a little less than Felix.

I think there would be countless examples of being alone together, like when both are reading books in the library. They’re technically together, but they aren’t interacting.

Felix does especially need space when he experienced a sensoric overload or after he was arguing with Sylvain. I think when either is the case, Sylvain always finds him at the stables later on, where his horse is. Sometimes, Felix is asleep, sometimes he is awake but barely approachable. I also think Sylvain’s horse often lays down next to him and Felix likes to pat it. In any case, Sylvain always gets him a blanket and waits until Felix comes to him again (because he will, it merely takes him some time).

Due to this, Sylvain probably gets him a cat some time. Felix mentions in his support with Bernadetta how he “doesn’t dislike” cats, so I think he is fine with that. The cat usually also follows Felix if he needs space.

Animals and autists often get along very well. We have a natural or developed liking for them, as they are easier to communicate with than humans and know when to leave us alone. Also, they actually communicate to other humans when to stop, which is often helpful for both sides. So yeah, I think the cat would do that as well. And of course, it would take up the entire space in the bed when Sylvain wants to sleep there (which might actually be something they argue over).

And yeah… That’s actually all :3 Thank you for the ask!