#i didn’t include rereads but this year was the return of so many series i love

[slytherheign]

GOLD RUSH | daniel ricciardo

PART 2/4 OF BROKEN GLASS AND HONEY SERIES.

CAN ALSO BE READ AS A ONE-SHOT.

PAIRINGS: daniel ricciardo x fem!reader, ex!max verstappen x fem!reader

WORD COUNT: 4.9k

SUMMARY: you don't like a gold rush, but you're attracted to someone everyone admires. when he stares at you with eyes like sinking ships on waters so inviting, will you jump in or not?

WARNINGS: cursing/swearing, people not giving a single fuck about the 3-month rule, mention of a hand injury, and allusions to a past unhealthy relationship. as i said, this can be read as a one-shot but there are references in this about the previous part of the series. so… you might want to read that. let me know if i missed any warnings. [⚠︎︎RATING: 16+]

AUTHOR’S NOTE: inspired by taylor swift’s song with the same title. also, based on my research, driver rooms are either located in a team motorhome or a floor in the driver’s garage. i literally watched paddock tours, garage tours, driver’s room tours BUT i still cannot find where in the japanese gp are the driver rooms located. so in this fic the driver’s room is a part of the garage, i imagined it on the 2nd floor. if you are reading the series i suggest rereading the last part because i changed some important details there like the timeline and stuff. again, huge thanks to my bestie @writingstoraes for helping me with the social media parts included here.

DESTINATION: Angst Avenue | GO TO SERIES MASTERLIST or GO BACK TO THE STATION.

All you did was accept his follow request on Instagram.

Then happened the small talks, the exchanging of numbers, the constant messages, and the little secret meetups.

And now here you were, meeting with his family as he introduced you to them.

What Max couldn’t do in almost 2 years, Daniel did in 2 months.

You remembered the date you accepted his follow request, July 19th. Only a few days before he would drive for AlphaTauri after Nyck de Vries got sacked. He then spent most of his summer break getting to know you. And when he sustained a break to a metacarpal on his left hand during the free practice 2 session at the Dutch Grand Prix, you stayed with him and it brought you even closer.

Today was September 19th. Exactly 2 months after you accepted his follow request and 2 days after the race in Singapore ended—the race where he returned after his injury. You were having dinner with his family. His mother told you stories about Daniel’s childhood. He was embarrassed at some of them, but you assured him that you thought the stories were cute. You smiled all throughout the meal. This was a new experience for you, getting introduced to someone’s family and getting treated like you were already one of their own.

You were used to being hidden. Things never used to be like this. For the longest time, it was always secret glances, touching behind closed doors, and kissing behind closed curtains. It was never talking, laughing, and getting along with his family.

He joined you when you took the initiative to wash the dishes. His mother didn’t want you to, but you insisted because it was all you could do in return for their warm welcome. 

You worked as a team. You washed the plates with the dishwashing soap while Daniel rinsed them with water, silence never surrounding you for even a moment because he had so many stories to tell and you loved hearing every single one of them.

You weren’t even in a relationship yet. Sure, you went on a few dates, but there was still no label put on it. There were no kisses, no making out—just the occasional holding hands and Daniel never complained. He understood that you still weren’t prepared for another relationship and he was ready to wait.

“It’s late. We should probably rest,” he spoke up after you both washed your hands and dried them using a paper towel. You followed him into his childhood room.

“You take the bed, I’ll sleep on the floor,” he said.

“You don’t need to do that. This is your room.”

“No, please. I insist,” he smiled.

You took the bed, immediately smelling his scent on the sheets. From the paint to the posters and the pillows, everything about this room screamed Daniel Ricciardo and it gave you so much comfort.

But even with all the comfort his bed provided, you still couldn’t sleep. “Daniel?” you called his name.

“Hmm?” he replied, he couldn’t sleep as well.

“What were you thinking that day?” you asked quietly.

“What day?”

“When you requested to follow me on Instagram. You knew I was dating Max, right?”

“You already broke up that night.”

“Well, yeah. But you didn’t know that.”

“I actually did. Max told me when he was drunk and crying. I don’t think he remembers telling me, though.”

“Why did you want to follow me?”

“I was curious, I guess. I wanted to see who made Max cry. He’s one of my closest friends so I wanted to know who was this girl he was crying about. Your account was private but I was really curious about you, so I requested to follow you and…”

“And?” you urged him to continue.

“And I loved what I saw. You’re really beautiful.”

You blushed, covering your face with your hands even though he couldn’t see them anyway. You changed the topic. “You said Max was crying?” 

“Yeah. But then he also drunkenly told me the reason why. And for what it’s worth, I’m on your side. You did the right thing. You deserve someone better.”

No one spoke for a moment. Your mind suddenly lingered on Max. He would never cry in public, not even in front of a friend. You knew that if he was sober, he would’ve never cried in front of Daniel. Max always said that he was raised to not show any sign of weakness to anyone, and he thought that crying was one of them. You were the only exception. With you, he wasn’t afraid of crying. Hell, he had broken down in front of you countless times and you were always there for him. And he loved that you were always there for him.

You pushed any further thought of him away from your head. He wasn’t yours anymore. You shouldn’t think about him. He wasn’t the one lying on the floor next to the bed you laid on now, it was Daniel.

“Dan?” you softly called his name.

He smiled at the new nickname. “Yeah?”

“Can you sleep next to me?”

“Are you sure?” he asked. From the way his voice sounded, you knew he was smiling.

“Please?” you said, moving yourself to make a space for him on the bed.

He immediately stood up to lie beside you. None of you felt any awkwardness, it was almost like it was always meant to be like this—you and him, beside each other.

You stared at the ceiling, not really feeling any sleepiness. How could you? When there were about a thousand thoughts circling themselves in your head?

Thoughts about your future, about Daniel, and about Max. You were just thankful you were privileged to be born into a family that owns a successful company in Monaco. And although you stayed in Menton, you still worked for your family business. At least, if the public discovered your possible future relationship with Daniel, you knew they couldn’t call you a gold digger because you already have plenty of gold just by yourself. That was one less thing to worry about.

Daniel couldn’t sleep either, knowing that you were still awake. He looked at you, following your line of vision until he stared at the ceiling as well.

“What’s on your mind?” he asked.

“A lot,” you chuckled.

“Do you want to talk about them?”

“No,” you shook your head. “At least not yet.”

“That’s okay. You wanna talk about something else?”

You thought for a moment before a sudden question entered your mind. “What’s your favorite memory that happened here in your room?”

“Well, I had my first make-out session here,” he laughed. 

You playfully hit his shoulder. “Really?” you laughed. “That’s your favorite memory?”

“Why? Are you jealous because it wasn’t you?” he teased.

“I-”

“Just kidding,” he laughed again. “My favorite memory in this room was when my dad and I sat on this bed and had a deep talk about life. I still l remember every piece of advice he told me that day and I try my best to follow them.”

“Care to tell me one advice?” you said. “Who knows, maybe it’ll help me out at some point.”

“There was one he told me that really stuck to me the most,” he responded.

“What is it about?”

“About love.”

You glanced at him before looking back up again at the ceiling. “Tell me.”

“Give love time to flourish, but never time what flourishes the love.”

You let the words sink in. You turned to your side so you could face him, urging him to elaborate. 

“You can fall in love with someone years after meeting them, at the same time, you can fall in love with someone after hours of meeting them. The length doesn’t matter if the trust is strong and the love is already stronger.

“You can get engaged after being with someone for 6 years, at the same time, you can get engaged after being with someone for 6 months. 

“Time matters, yes. But the length is subjective. Love is not supposed to be a competition where time is the sole judge. Sometimes, longer doesn’t mean healthier, and shorter doesn’t make it insincere or artificial.”

He turned to his side so he could face you as well. You didn’t know what to reply and he didn’t expect you to. You just stared at each other’s eyes.

You had never paid attention to his eyes more than what you were doing now. 

They were gleaming.

Twinkling.

Those eyes…

They were like sinking ships on waters so inviting.

You almost jumped in.

You cleared your throat, pulling away from his face that was just an inch away from yours. Funny, you didn’t even notice your faces were moving closer to each other.

“W-we should-uhh n-not,” you suggested.

“Y-yeah, we should not,” he agreed, smiling sheepishly.

The next race was not far ahead. You actually thought that after the race in Singapore, he would fly straight to Japan to get ready for the next grand prix. Instead, he took 3 days off just to set up a dinner with you and his family. 

You didn’t know why he did it, because if you were him, you wouldn’t want to stress yourself this much just for you to meet his family. You weren’t demanding anything right now. If Max made you wait for almost 2 years, you could wait a couple more months for Daniel. After all, waiting was your game—and an expert at that.

It wasn’t a coincidence that Daniel introduced you to his family exactly 2 months after your first interaction. He knew about the waiting game Max made you play for almost 2 years. The number ‘2’ always being the highlight. So, he did what Max couldn’t do in just 2 months. He wanted to prove something. And from the look on your face the moment his parents hugged you, he knew his little plan worked.

It also wasn’t a coincidence that out of all the advice his father gave him, what he told you was the one about love and time being subjective. It was his sly way of saying that it didn’t matter how long you two have known each other. He was basically saying that Max may have had you longer but you should pick him. He had feelings for you, he wanted you to see that, and hopefully, return them. 

Tomorrow, he needed to travel. Reality would return again, and the track needed him. As much as he wanted to spend more time with you, his car won’t drive itself. He had a thought.

“Do you want to go with me?” he asked suddenly. “To Suzuka.”

There was something in you that screamed to go back to your Menton apartment. Were you ready to go to a Grand Prix supporting a different driver than who you were used to supporting?

This was a second chance at everything, though. A chance to move on and a chance to have something new and someone new to look forward to.

“Okay,” you finally answered. “I’ll just have to do some work online for our family business. But as soon as I’m done, I’ll be in the stands cheering for you.”

He looked at you like you said some forbidden language. “The stands?” he asked you.

“Yeah, like with the other fans,” you shrugged.

“You know you’re not like the other fans, right? You can watch in the garage. If you’re not comfortable with other people seeing you, you can stay in my driver’s room and watch there. I’m sure there’s a monitor there.”

Again, this was a new experience for you. You didn’t know what to say.

“It would make me really happy knowing you’re in my room rather than in the stands. I could also show you the car and some stuff,” he continued.

Max never even invited you to walk the pitlane with him. And now here was Daniel, all ready and prepared to tour the entire paddock with you if you asked him to.

“That would be great,” you smiled.

“We better rest then, we have to travel tomorrow.”

JAPAN. SEPTEMBER 24, 2023. 

The race was happening today.

For the last few days since you got here, you chose to stay at a hotel near where the circuit was. Daniel was staying at the same hotel just 2 floors above yours. He invited you to stay in his room but you refused because it would raise a lot of suspicion. You were still figuring out what you had with Daniel and staying in the same room as him would paint a picture that you were already in a relationship. You knew just how F1 fans could become detectives if they wanted to. They already knew your name when Daniel decided to follow you on Instagram. A lot of them tried to follow you, but you chose not to accept their follow requests.

You stayed in your hotel room on Friday and Saturday, watching the practice sessions and the qualifying in your room. You didn’t really have a choice, you had online work to do. You watched while you worked. 

But not today.

Today, you were free. Today, you’d watch the Grand Prix in person.

Daniel visited you quite often in your room. He took advantage of you being in the same hotel as him. He always tried to convince you to get out, but you always said that you were busy finishing some work in advance so you could attend the Grand Prix with no worries about work. He stayed beside you while you worked until his duties called him and he needed to get to work as well.

But not today.

Today, he didn’t have to convince you anymore because you wouldn’t stay in your room. Today, you’d join him.

The plan was to walk behind him through the paddock with an AlphaTauri staff until you reached his garage where he would tour you and get you to meet the people working there. After that, he would lead you to his driver’s room where you would stay.

If it was entirely up to him, he wanted you to walk beside him instead of behind. But you refused again, because you knew walking beside him would launch something that you weren’t sure of yet.

You didn’t understand yourself. You broke up with Max because he kept you hidden. And now that you were with someone who wanted to show you off to the world, you’d rather stay hidden. You told yourself it was just because you and Daniel did not have a label in your relationship yet. You convinced him it was just because you were still figuring everything out.

And those reasons were reasonable and true. 

But you missed one little fact.

There was something about being hidden that excited you. 

Maybe being Max’s secret for a long time had convinced you that being hidden was an exciting thrill.

A knock on your door interrupted your thoughts. You finished fixing your hair immediately to open it. On the other side was a staff from AlphaTauri you had gotten close to for the past couple of days. You followed her downstairs where you met up with Daniel.

As soon as Daniel entered the paddock, all eyes were on him. The cameras turned and snapped pictures, your white cap barely hiding your face so you looked down and focused on the road most of the time. You should’ve brought sunglasses.

You heard people calling his name. Photographers, fans, people from the other teams—everyone. He displayed a huge smile on his face that everyone returned as soon as they got a sight of him. He waved at everyone, because let’s be honest, everyone knew him.

You saw everything as you walked behind him.

You saw how everyone admired him.

How everyone glorified everything he did. 

Not everyone knew him personally, but everyone felt close to him. That was how admirable Daniel Ricciardo was. He leaves a mark on everyone. A mark so indelible and so perfect that no one could ever forget. No one would dare to forget.

It started to make you insecure.

It ached to even think of how perfect he was, of how peaceful he was. Like sunshine, he was a need for everyone. He presented a light that everyone would kill for just to have a taste of.

It started to make you jealous.

It was like he floated as he walked because everyone cheered on him. Like a rush of gold, he was a desire—a temptation.

And you didn’t like a gold rush.

You didn’t like anticipating your face in a red flush.

You didn’t like that anyone would die to feel his touch.

Everybody wanted him.

Halfway through your destination, the AlphaTauri staff you were walking with behind Daniel suddenly realized she left something important in her room. She had to go back to the hotel, leaving you no choice but to stand and walk beside Daniel.

And he loved it. He glanced at you every now and then, smiling and checking if you were alright. He brought his camera with him, he took some pictures of the surroundings while he walked. You didn’t know that most of those pictures were you looking around the place. You’ve been to multiple F1 races in your life, but this was your first time in a Grand Prix in Japan.

You entered the pitlane with him. And once again, photographers snapped pictures of him. You slowed down a bit, letting Daniel be on the front again and the only focus of the cameras. He instantly noticed the lack of your presence beside him, looking at you and smiling, telling you it was alright and that you could walk beside him again. You eyed the cameras, observing that their focus was not on Daniel anymore as another driver was walking towards your way. So, you went back beside him, smiling softly at him. He placed a hand on your back guiding you through the large amount of people coming and leaving the pitlane.

For a slight moment, you wondered how someone so perfect would want to be with someone so imperfect. How could someone as desired as gold would want to love someone who was the complete opposite?

You were nearing his garage, but before you could reach it, a pair of familiar eyes caught yours. You swore you felt your heart jump and the world stop for a second but you shook it off.

As it turned out, the other driver that was walking towards your way was none other than Max Verstappen.

He froze for a second but he looked away from you. He continued walking, pretending that nothing ever happened but you noticed that his jaw was clenched when he walked past you.

When you reached Daniel’s garage, he introduced you to his race engineer and mechanics. You exchanged greetings. Yuki Tsunoda joined the conversation as well when he took notice of the new addition that Daniel brought. 

“So, what are you two?” Yuki asked. The other people in the garage were listening intently, curious as to what the answer was.

“Umm, we’re not really sure yet,” you answered honestly. “We’re still figuring it out.”

You looked at Daniel and he grinned, agreeing with your answer. Most of them shrugged at your response but they couldn’t hide the smirks they were showing when they each looked at Daniel.

Daniel led the way to his driver’s room, making sure you were settled in there before he eventually had to leave to do some things he needed to do.

You heard the sound of your phone notifying you that someone sent you a message. You checked it.

You rolled your eyes as you stared at your phone, slightly cursing at yourself because you swore not to reply to any of his texts anymore. His last texts were from the night he tried to convince you to stay with him—the last time you talked to him in person. You didn’t even notice yourself typing a reply until you already sent it.

You knew nothing would stop Max from doing what he wanted to do. What Max Verstappen wants, Max Verstappen gets.

You just placed your phone in your pocket and hoped that whatever kind of talk they would have would not affect the race later.

The race would start at 1:00 p.m., and even at 9:17 a.m., you could already feel how busy everyone was. Daniel entered the room, immediately sitting next to you on the couch and hugging you close. He rested his head on your lap and you played with his hair, twirling his already curly hair with your fingers. You stayed like that for a while, you were sure Daniel had already fallen asleep. You chuckled, pulling your phone from your pocket and snapping a cute picture of him.

You weren’t sure how many minutes had passed. You tried taking a nap but your excitement for today was too much for even a minute of sleep to consume you. So, you just stared at Daniel and resumed playing with his hair with one hand, while the other scrolled through Twitter on your phone.

And there it was. The speculations were already starting. You had no idea how they even knew it was you from just a side view of your body.

But for the first time, you didn’t care.

You scrolled even more, reading almost every comment about the picture of you and Daniel. 

Every comment and reply you saw was positive, not even one negative comment about him. People loved him and you understood them. What’s there not to love about him?

Even you were not an exception. You cared for him. You were attracted to someone everyone admired.

Everybody wondered what it would be like to love him.

And you wondered the same.

Daniel’s phone that was atop the coffee table made a noise, informing him that someone had texted. He was still lying on the couch with his head on your lap when he got woken up by the notification and took his phone from the table. He immediately sat up when he saw who it was.

You sneaked a glance and saw that it was Max.

They were texting back and forth and since Daniel’s phone was not on silent, you heard every tap he made on his keyboard. He was typing roughly, his phone shaking just by the force of his typing. His jaw was clenched and his eyebrows were knitted. 

He was angry. 

And you knew why. You wanted the couch you were sitting on right now to eat you alive. 

Minutes later, someone knocked on the door, saying something about a meeting he needed to present for. You knew he wasn’t talking to Max anymore because he had stopped typing. But still, he stared at the phone with so much hatred. 

You had never seen Daniel this angry before. You couldn’t help but ask Max what he said.

But of course, Max told you nothing.

Daniel stood up suddenly, his stance telling you he was still pissed off. But before he could fully leave the room, he looked at you as if he was asking for your permission if he could leave. You nodded in response, smiling to assure him that you were going to be fine.

You didn’t dare to know how their conversation went anymore.

“It’s lights out and away we go!” you heard Crofty announce. And as soon as he said it, 20 sensational drivers in their cars fought for positions.

You actually left Daniel's room before the race started, deciding to watch from the back of the main garage with the other AlphaTauri guests. You didn’t need to hide anyway because people already knew you. And besides, the cameras were focused on the race. 

53 laps later, Daniel finished P9 which was astonishing given that he was driving an AlphaTauri. Because let’s be honest, the team and their cars aren't exactly built to win a championship.

You knew he had media duties to do after the race so you didn’t expect him to go back immediately. You returned to his room, watching the post-race interviews while waiting for him. You immediately focused on the screen as soon as it was his turn.

“P9, huh? What an astonishing drive,” a Sky reporter praised him. 

“Well, yeah,” he chuckled. “Thank you. I had a lot more motivation today and I made sure to project it on track.”

You blushed. 

The reporter asked him questions about the pace, what he felt about the race and the usual stuff. All of them he answered with a smile on his face. Even in his sweaty conditions, he looked gorgeous. 

What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?

His hair was falling into place like dominoes.

And once again you questioned just how on earth this man was a real person.

Back in the hotel, with your phone in your pocket, you were helping Daniel pack his suitcases in his room after you already packed yours. 

He was taking a much-needed shower while you insisted on packing his belongings for him. God knew how tired he was after the race and you had a lot of free time on your hands. Even if he didn’t want you to do it for him, you still did it.

Daniel came out of the bathroom already dressed and immediately proceeded to help you pack. “Have you seen my headphones?” he asked.

“No, and I haven’t packed it yet,” you answered. “Where did you last remember using it?”

“I think it’s in your room.”

“Okay, I’ll check it,” you got ready to leave before he stopped you. 

“You want me to come with you?” he asked.

“No, but thanks,” you smiled. “Just continue packing so we’ll finish faster.”

Moments later, you discovered that his headphones were indeed in your room. You quickly retrieved it and made your way back to his.

As you were about to open Daniel’s door, the room beside him opened and someone entered the hallway. You made the mistake of looking at the person because it was Max. You made eye contact for the second time that day and he seemed stuck on the floor. 

He frowned, eyeing you and the room you were about to enter. You saw his confusion turn into realization when he remembered who the person staying in that room was. And then, he scoffed. He walked past you again, brushing his shoulder with yours as he went straight to the elevator.

You sighed, opening the door and seeing how Daniel already finished packing most of his belongings.

“I found it,” you said, handing him the headphones. He stood up from his position, getting the item from your hand before tossing it on the bed and caging you with his arms. 

“My God, what would I do without you?” he said, rocking you back and forth as he hugged you. 

You looked up to meet his eyes. “I don’t know, probably lose half of your things,” you laughed as he released you from his arms. “Now, where were we?” you asked, looking over all the suitcases on the floor. 

“I finished most of it, I’m sure it’ll take me only 5 minutes to finish the rest.”

“Okay, you do that. I’ll check the other bags if you’ve forgotten something again.”

Daniel did in fact finish the rest in only 5 minutes. He stood up, stretching his body after the crouching he had to do while he was packing. 

You couldn’t help but look at him. He was wearing a simple white t-shirt and his back was facing you. You saw how the muscles on his arms and back flexed while he stretched.

Suddenly, everything was in slow motion.

You didn't like slow motion double vision in rose blush.

You didn’t like that falling felt like flying 'til the bone crush.

Everybody wanted him.

And you didn’t like that you didn’t wonder the same anymore.

Because unlike them, you didn’t need to wonder. You already loved him.

You didn’t like a gold rush.

But for him, you would.

You stood up, walking towards him until you were in front of him. He faced you, confused as to what you had to say.

But you didn’t say anything.

Instead, you placed your hands on his cheeks and you caressed them gently.

His eyes started doing the same thing they did back when you spent the night in his childhood room and your heart started beating faster than ever.

They were gleaming.

Twinkling.

Those eyes…

They were like sinking ships on waters so inviting.

So, you jumped in.

You pulled his face close to you, closing the distance with a passionate kiss. He was shocked at first, not because he didn’t want it but because he didn’t expect it. He was ready for you anytime, he was just waiting for the time you would tell him that you felt the same.

And instead of telling him, you showed him. 

With a kiss, you made him feel.

Daniel reciprocated the kiss and held you closer.

From that moment on, he won. 

Or at least he thought he did.

We all know Max Verstappen was a fierce competitor.

He kissed your forehead when he pulled away. Then, he placed a soft peck on both sides of your cheeks before pressing his hands softly on them. You looked at him lovingly.

Your phone in your pocket buzzed from someone messaging you but you were too busy admiring Daniel that you didn’t even pay attention to it.

Only time would tell how those two sets of three little words would affect you.

SLYTHERHEIGN TAGLIST: @writingstoraes @joshiiieeenesx

FORMULA ONE TAGLIST: @dreamingofautopia @lpab @matildrry

message me or comment down below if you want to be added to my taglist! specify if you want to be added to my main (slytherheign) taglist where i’ll tag you in everything i publish in the future or just the formula one taglist.

[rehnwriter]

New Haven - The Inception of a Novel

The year is 2016, and I decided to get serious about my writing. Back then, I tried out a variety of techniques to get myself to write, brainstorm, come up with ideas, and be creative. Ray Bradbury mentioned one such technique in his fantastic book ‘Zen and the Art of Writing.’ In it, he suggested coming up with titles and later writing the corresponding story.

I came up with quite a few of these titles, and would quickly set out to write the corresponding stories, albeit their first draft. One such draft was written on the 7th of March in 2016, titled ‘The Organ.’

It was a short little piece of roughly 3.200 words, centering on a number of mysterious deaths in a small religious town.

Many other drafts I’d written wouldn’t change much and eventually become the very first stories I posted on Nosleep and shared here on Tumblr. ‘The Organ,’ however, exploded in size and its second draft became an 11.000-word monstrosity. This draft already included some of the elements that should later shape the story: Claire’s mysterious suicide, Ethan’s obsession with figuring out what actually happened, as well as the narrator’s quest for answers.

The third draft of ‘The Organ’ changed little. It grew by another 2.000 words, to a total of 13.000, but the story stayed the same. While I worked on the fourth and final draft, the final polishing, so to say, I felt there was more to this idea. I’d grown fond of my two main characters, David and Ethan, the mystery they were trying to solve, as well as the small town it was all set in.

And so, for a while, I stopped working on it and put it to rest, until I knew what I wanted to do with it.

In the months and years to come, I’d write more stories, and eventually tackled my first longer work, a series titled ‘Laura Ebert.’ Even now, I think the series’ basic premise is decent enough, but it’s a rather shoddy, and especially boring work.

When I returned to ‘The Organ,’ I took some time off writing and reread and analyzed some of my favorite series on Nosleep. Why did they work so well, and why didn’t my series ‘Laure Ebert?’ It wasn’t long before I realized the problem. My series was happening in a vacuum, and my main character was just moving from plot point to plot point with little opposition. The series I’d read, however, were happening in a living, breathing world. Once I’d realized that, I returned to the drawing board and spent an entire weekend plotting out this new version of ‘The Organ.’

I added many things that weren’t there before. David’s time at school, his conflict with the bullies Craig and Mark, the bible circle, but also David’s church presentation, and his conflict with his mother. The result was a story of about 32.000 words, by far the longest I’d written so far, and one I was rather proud of. I’d eventually post it on Nosleep and share it here on Tumblr as a nine-part series under the title of ‘A guest at my motel asked me to post his story. He looked like he went through hell…’ This was back in 2019.

The series did okay, but it didn’t prove to be the big hit I’d hoped it would be.

A year later, I returned to it once more because I realized it was the perfect basis for a novel. After rereading it, I realized what the series’ major problem was. It had a strong beginning, and a strong ending, but barely any middle part. In its first half, I slowly introduced all the characters, the mystery, and its many elements before I rushed straight into the ending. When I began outlining the novelization, I put a lot of extra energy into expanding its middle part. I extended and deepened the mystery, added a variety of side-conflicts, but also added some new characters or changed the role of existing ones.

I began working on the first draft of this new version of ‘The Organ’ in the middle of 2020, and its third draft was finished in April 2022. The work, however, wasn’t done just yet.

After some extensive peer-reviewing with a writer friend of mine, and after rereading it myself, I identified a variety of problems or things I could improve on. The story itself was set in stone, but certain parts of it, the writing, and the overall style, could use a bit more polish.

This reviewing period ended in the middle of this year, and soon after I began working on its true, and final, draft.

I completed this final draft at the end of last week. It comes down to roughly 90.000 words. By now, I’m honestly pretty tired of the entire thing, and I’m more than happy to have it over with.

What was once a small 3.200 word draft titled ‘The Organ,’ has turned into ‘New Haven,’ a slow-burn horror mystery novel. It’s the single work that I spent by far the most time on over the years, and I can’t wait to see it published.

I hope you’re all excited about it, especially those who read my series ‘A guest at my motel asked me to post his story. He looked like he went through hell…’

Thank you all for reading! I hope you’re looking forward to this new novel. More updates to come soon!

Regards, and have a great day!

[thecrenellations]

Hi hi! For the end-of-year book ask: 4, 8, 13, 24!

hello, good to see you! (here’s the book ask)

4. Did you discover any new authors that you love this year? My first thought was, yes, Dorothy Dunnett! My second was that I don’t want to give a Lymond answer to half these questions, and my third was the realization that I didn’t read that many new authors this year! There were a few (Shelley Parker-Chan, Freya Marske) who were new to me last year, but that was last year … and while I loved the writing in This is How You Lose the Time War (and Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone’s note at the end is charming), I haven’t sought out anything else by its authors.

Anyway, Dorothy Dunnett. I’d heard that her writing/Lymond is challenging, and I found that to be true, but I didn’t expect it to be so playful and surprising, or entertainingly incomprehensible at times. Characters “effervesced into gnatlike mockery,” “smiled quite successfully,” and didn’t immediately “discard in the perpendicular what [they] favor in the prone.” You can just write that!

8. Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones? My goal has been to read ~50 books (including rereads) for several years now. I still have ten to go, and I don’t read fast, so if I meet it it’ll be because I read many short things. I was vaguely on track until I started reading The Langya List (over 2000 pages, I’m still halfway though) and then spent half the year reading and rereading a series of 400-500 page books. But the goal I care about is to read, and I did!

13. What were your least favorite books of the year? I liked almost all of the books I read, so my only answer to this is some of the nonfiction books I read to pass the time at work, about global trivia and cat care. They weren’t bad, just not particularly interesting or enjoyable.

24. Did you DNF anything? Why? So many things, but only because I had to return them to the library and haven’t gotten around to checking them out again! (several of the books in my answer to 6, plus more I’m forgetting.) So no true DNFs. 

[visibledelight]

mayhaps you could rec some of your best reads of the year :)

revealing my fav books is always so nerve wracking but sure. i’ll give you my top reads of the year. i’ve read around 320 books this year so there’s quite a few. i’m gonna divide them up into categories to make it more organized & i’m not really gonna say anything about the books bc there are 28 books and that’s a lot. the ones that have an exclamation mark next to them are my faves

literary fiction + classics + short stories

the goldfinch by donna tartt (!)

the aeneid by virgil

brokeback mountain by annie proulx

an oresteia (trans. anne carson)

north & south by elizabeth gaskell

the pisces by melissa broder (!)

frankenstein by mary shelley (!)

the idiot by elif batuman (!)

horatio by t. j. klune

romance

a lady’s desire by lily paxton

beard science by penny reid

the kingpin of camelot by cassandra gannon

love in the afternoon by lisa kleypas

the wolf at bay by charlie adhara

ya/na

alex in wonderland by simon james green

six of crows by leigh bardugo

call down the hawk by maggie stiefvater (!)

the abyss surrounds us by emily skrutskie

far from you by tess sharpe (!)

we are okay by nina lacour (!)

nonfiction

i’m afraid of men by vivek shraya

dead blondes and bad mothers by sady doyle (!)

monster, she wrote: the women who pioneered horror and speculative fiction by lisa kroger, melanie r. anderson

paperbacks from hell: the twisted history of 70s and 80s horror fiction by grady hendrix

how we eat with our eyes and think with our stomachs: the hidden influences that shape your eating habits by melanie muhl, diana von kopp

the madwoman in the attic: the woman writer and the nineteenth century literary imagination by sandra m. gilbert, susan gubar 

lady killers: deadly women throughout history by tori telfer

poetry

will you still love me if i love her? by elfie (!)

hopefully you find smth you’ll like here

[fallenfurther]

Homecoming

This is a story I’ve been planning for over a year and finally feel readyish to post it. This first chapter has been reread about ten times so it’s about time to release it. It introduces the main OC for the story, which will spend the next fifteen chapters exploring Jeff’s return to earth before Josie comes back into play. 

Thank you @misssquidtracy for being my cheerleader, this would be no where near as far written if you hadn’t enjoyed it so. 

I hope you enjoy chapter one, which is set between Series 2 and 3. 

AO3 and FFN

First Impressions

Josie stood outside the hall and took a deep breath. You can do this, she thought, you already have the invite for the invite only event. They might be the big bosses, the people who matter, but you matter too. You just have to network. Don't sell yourself short. 

She steeled herself again and swallowed. She really didn't belong here. London was a long way from the compassionate community she grew up with in Scotland. But the idea of getting stuck there and never fulfilling her dreams made her determined, despite the imposter syndrome that plagued her. She looked down at herself and tried to feel comfortable. They were her smartest clothes: a black pencil skirt, blouse with frilly collar and a fitted, thanks to Nancy's excellent seamstress skills, suit jacket. They were all high street brands which wouldn't compare to the designer suits and dresses she'd be mingling with. The only saving grace was the simple diamond chain around her neck. Worth more to Josie than anyone would know, and it gave her the courage she needed. Brushing down her jacket and holding her head high she strode forwards.

She had been so fixated on herself that she almost bumped into a mature couple. Josie stumbled out an apology and let them in first. Flustered, and having lost any semblance of confidence, she entered the room. 

****

Another networking event, this time forced on him by Lady Penelope. Scott scouted out the room as he sipped his Scotch. Many eyes were on the two Tracy brothers, all wanting but not yet daring, to approach. The power of his presence in a room of businessmen never ceased to amaze him. 

"Found someone you like yet?" Gordon chimed cheerfully from beside him, though Scott knew him well enough to hear the bored undertone. Penelope had invited Gordon and of course he had said yes, his brother absolutely smitten with the lady. Scott shook his head. Events like this maintained Tracy Industries reputation, though they also gave Scott his player reputation. It was an easy place to pick up a girlfriend or let off some steam. Scott surveyed the room again. Within sight there were a few women who appealed to him. 

"I don't always leave with someone." 

Scott took a sip of his drink. 

"Oh, so you're not the ever-successful ladies’ man we thought you were?" Gordon teased. 

"Well, I didn't say that." Scott chuckled. "I just don't always want company."

Gordon rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. I bet you've had many failed conquests. You just don't want to admit it."

Scott shook his head. "You believe what you want, Gordon."

"Bet you can't get a random woman to sleep with you," Gordon challenged. 

Scott bit his lip, trying not to rise to Gordon's bait. Yes, Scott had been planning to find some company for the evening, but a bet? He shouldn't sink to that. Thankfully, the CEO of a small engineering company that had worked with Tracy Industries a year ago strolled over. Scott slipped into CEO mode and exchanged the required pleasantries and confirmed that they were considering working with their company again, before one last handshake. 

"So, the Great Scott Tracy is backing down from a challenge?"

Scott rolled his eyes. Gordon was bored and just trying to find a way to entertain himself, but Scott did like a challenge. What's the worst that could happen? With a sigh, he gave in. 

"What are the stakes?"

"If you can't seduce the woman I pick, then you give the swimming pool its biannual clean."

"And if I win, you are on deck lounger duty for a month."

“Deal.”

Gordon held out his hand and Scott shook it. He knew this was a bad idea, but it 

would liven up the evening a little, and Scott was in the mood for a little fun. Something to help him relax after a tough week. His brother’s eyes scouted the room looking for the ideal candidate. The smirk that appeared on Gordon’s face worried him. 

“The next woman to walk through the door.”

Scott raised his eyebrow. It was a gamble, but Scott understood why Gordon had 

done it. He nodded and took a sip of his drink. Both men had their eyes on the door. A few people left, but no one entered. When the door finally opened, they both held their breath. An older couple entered, their outfits and demeanour radiating their importance. A quick sideward glance at Gordon confirmed he was holding back a laugh. Scott sighed before looking back toward the couple. Behind them the door opened again and in walked a lone woman. 

“That one, the nervous blond.” Gordon announced. 

A nod from Scott and he accepted the challenge. His eyes surveyed the woman. She was young, probably about Virgil’s age, and she definitely looked uncomfortable. Her clothing was smart and fitted her well, but he could tell they weren’t the high end fashion that many were wearing that evening. Her hair was loose, brushing down past her shoulders, and there was nothing wrong with her features. She had the kind of appearance most people would look over, including himself, for someone more striking. Scott started to formulate a strike plan. He knew he had to avoid overwhelming her, she probably wouldn’t be expecting to get the attention he was going to give her. He turned back to his brother; whose attention had turned to something else. Scott followed Gordon’s gaze to see Lady Penelope with a tall man, laughing away. The man was obviously flirting with the aristocrat. The clenched jaw and stiffened stance of the aquanaut gave in to jealousy he was feeling. Without a second thought, Gordon strolled over to the gathering and joined in, a fake smile plastered his face. Scott shook his head, before turning back to his target. 

****

The glass was chilled in her hand, and Josie took a sip of the non-alcoholic mojito with the hopes it would help steady her nerves. Practicing her breathing techniques briefly, she turned around only to come face to chest with someone. She was flustered again and felt heat rise in her cheeks. Her eyes fell on the man in front of her and her heart jumped. 

She froze. Her instincts put her on high alert. This man looked like trouble, and she had just made contact with his deep blue eyes. He smiled at her, dimples deepening in his cheeks when he did so. Mind over body, mind over body, she repeated in her head. It was the intensity he gave off, the way he held himself like he was in control. He hadn't been surprised by her almost bumping into him. He'd know she was there and hadn't moved. She'd seen this before at university, she'd learnt the signs from experience. But still, why did they always have to be attractive? Why did they always gravitate to her? Josie rolled her shoulders back and gave him a brief nod. 

“Excuse me.” Josie smiled politely, ducking as gracefully as she could past him. 

“I’ve not seen you here before.”

Josie paused. His deep voice demanded her attention. She was here to network, at least she could get him over and done with. She could keep her cool, watch out for his game. Josie was wiser now. She turned around and held out her hand.

“Josie McNelly, engineer for Taybrooke Aeronautics, Satellite division.”

He shook her hand firmly. The man looked familiar, though she couldn't place where from. 

“Scott Tracy, CEO of Tracy Industries.”

That explained the familiarity. She smile grew as she thought of her brother’s prized 

poster of Jeff Tracy which had hung above his bed. Josie could see the resemblance 

to the astronaut. Same eyes for certain. She'd been shocked at the sudden loss of the great Jeff Tracy. Not that her brother had ever met him, but the astronaut had been such a big part of their childhood. Especially the fights over who was greater, her admiration for Neil Armstrong was still just as strong. The memories threw her, and suddenly she had no idea what to say next. How do you network again? What do you talk about with the CEO of Tracy Industries, one of the best engineering companies in the world? Facts about the company filled Josie's head and thankfully one stood out.

"Tracy Industries doesn't have a UK branch, so may I ask what brings you to London?" 

Josie took a deep breath as the man paused; glad she could make an impression. She congratulated herself while remembering what she was here to do. She'd failed to get a job at Tracy Industries on multiple occasions, maybe this could be a way in. She almost laughed at herself. The CEO was unlikely to care for someone as low down the pecking order as she. Part of her wanted to try, just in case. If people less qualified could get experience and jobs over her by knowing the right people, maybe she could too. That was why she was here, to get the contacts so she could play their game. 

"You've done your research. Tracy Industries works with some UK based companies that are represented here tonight, and the event is being hosted by a good friend of mine. I've not heard of Taybrooke Aeronautics before, care to give me some insight?"

His strikingly blue eyes gazed down at her with sincerity. It threw Josie to see it in someone she suspected of having ulterior motives, however she'd tried to keep her cool. Staying wary, she engaged with him. 

"Taybrooke Aeronautics is a small Scottish company. It started with plane design and manufacturing then branched out into satellites and astronautical technology. It's well known for its niche and unique satellite designs. It's entirely based in Scotland and has various sites throughout the country."

"Have they done anything I might have heard of?"

"Have you heard of Global One?" 

"The GDF's space station."

"Yes, the thrusters that keep it in orbit are a product of Taybrooke Aeronautics. They are actually my design."

"Your design? Aren't they normally developed by a team of engineers."

The surprise on Mr Tracy's face was priceless. It wasn't the first time people were shocked by what Josie could do, and she was planning to make sure it wasn't the last. If she wanted to become a big name rocket designer, she was going to have to blow a few minds. 

"The initial design was mine, obviously other engineers had input over materials and the like, but the actual design hasn't changed much. Taybrooke owns the patent, but my name is on it, so you can check it if you don't believe me. They aren't the only thing I've designed that's currently on orbit. Two of my resistojet rockets were used in some private satellites that were launched late last year."

Josie refused to hide her pride. Her family was proud of her achievements even if they didn't understand them. It was why she was here, to continue making them proud of her. She and her brother had had a dream and she was going to fulfil it if she could. 

"That's impressive. Have you considered applying for a role in the Tracy Industries aeronautical department? I'm sure we are always in need of people with your kind of skills."

Josie took a deep breath. She wanted to believe Mr Tracy. Every engineer wanted a job at Tracy Industries, it was considered one of the industry leads and had fantastic employee benefits. The company was known worldwide for taking care of its workforce, but she had never made the cut. Neither did she believe this man would remember her beyond today. It was time to end this conversation and see if anyone here might actually be interested in hiring an engineer. Josie met his gaze and prepared to say her piece. 

"I have applied for various aeronautical and astronautical roles at Tracy Industries since graduating. I've been called to interview twice, one at the European branch in Germany and another at the Japanese branch. Both times I was turned away for lack of experience. The Japanese branch didn't believe I would fit in with the company's culture and the European job was given to the son of one of the employees. It appears that I’m currently not what Tracy Industries is seeking. It’s been interesting talking with you Mr Tracy, but I have just spotted someone that I would really like to speak with, so if you’d kindly excuse me. Have a pleasant rest of the evening.” 

Josie turned and strode away from Mr Tracy. She headed into the crowd, not looking back, keeping her eyes open for the people she'd flagged on the short guest list she had managed to obtain. There were representatives here that might help get her into the industry. Not that she wouldn't stop applying to Tracy Industries jobs, a girl could dream, but she was realistic. Josie knew she had to work her way up and she needed to make the right contacts. 

****

Scott watched Josie walk away. She weaved into the crowd and disappeared from his sight. Gordon had lucked out and this bet was going to be harder than he thought. Miss McNelly may be nervous, but there was something beneath her words and her guard was up. He would have to change his approach, and unfortunately, he couldn't use Tracy Industries as bait. Josie wanted a job and she seemed to believe Tracy Industries didn't want her. Even if he could promise her a job, he was sure she wouldn't believe him. Scott was so used to women warming to him, swooning over his smile, and in many cases excited by the prospect of spending the evening with someone from International Rescue. Josie hadn't even mentioned it or made an indication that she knew he was part of the elusive organisation. Scott headed to the bar and ordered another scotch. He lent against the polished wood, swirling the drink in thought. He had to get her to lower her guard, to open up. His eyes hit the crowd and he sighed. Scott knew he was going to have to take the plunge. 

Almost an hour later and Scott hadn't been able to get close to Miss McNelly. He'd glimpsed her but being in the crowd meant he had to be polite to the other attendees, especially those who the company did business with. Duty called without the usual klaxon that echoed through the villa. Although Scott did want to be rescued from the current conversation; fisheries in the Atlantic were more Gordon's realm. He inspected the room, going from head to head in search of Miss McNelly. He easily spotted Gordon, standing next to Lady Penelope who was conversing with a young businessman. At least his brother wasn't having much luck either. Continuing, he spotted Mr Sandip with whom he'd had a pleasant conversation with at a previous gala. Excusing himself, Scott headed over to the man, but as he neared, Scott got a glimpse of whom he was talking to. Josie's hands were moving as she described something, and as he stepped up to the pair, he could hear the enthusiasm in her voice. There was a sparkle in her grey eyes that hadn't been there previously. 

"Mr Tracy! How good to see you again? How have you been?"

Mitchell Sandip had spotted him out of the corner of his eye and had turned to offer him a hand, which Scott took with a smile. 

"I'm very well, thank you, though I wasn't expecting to see you here." 

"Yes, well, the representative from the engineering department that was meant to attend became unwell. With so few people free to come, I drew the short straw. Though, seeing you has greatly improved my night."

Scott laughed at the accountant, his friendly demeanour had charmed Scott last time they had met. 

"Now, Mr Tracy, have you met Miss McNelly? She has quite the head for numbers. Unfortunately, she's not after an accounting job otherwise I'd snap her up before anyone else could!"

Scott turned to the woman in question, eyebrow raised. Head for numbers, well she was an engineer. He watched her straight up and nod politely at him. 

"I'm rather good with calculations.”

Mitchell's hand landed on Scott's arm, drawing his attention away from Miss McNelly. The shorter man's hazel eyes peered up at him full of excitement.

"She's being incredibly modest, Mr Tracy. I was certain someone was pilfering funds, and after a week I managed to work out who and how, but I hadn't mentioned it to anyone yet. I’ve just finished collecting all the evidence and sent it to HR. Well, I was just discussing yearly finances with Mr Yang over there, and I was just throwing a lot of numbers about, as you do, trying to show off, when Miss McNelly pipes up saying my calculations are wrong. I told her they weren't, and she said they had to be unless someone was swindling money. I was shocked that she could work it out like that, then she rattled off her calculations faster than anything. Like I said, I hadn’t told anyone and Miss McNelly here was able to work it out in minutes. Obviously, I had to confirm this wasn’t just a one off, so Mr Yang and I rattled a few numbers off, and Josie performed the calculations there and then. All in her head and fast as can be. It was incredible!"

Scott turned with Mitchell back to Miss McNelly. There was a proud smile on her face, even if he could see that she was still nervous. Her fingers were playing gently with the hem of her jacket. 

"I've always been fast with numbers."

"Are you certain you don't want to be an accountant?"

Miss McNelly laughed, a blush coming to her cheeks. 

"As I told the Professor during my interview at Cambridge, when he asked why I was pursuing a career in engineering over mathematics; for me mathematics is easy. I don't want to be bored. I want to be challenged." 

A cheeky grin graced Josie's lips, obviously warming to Mitchell's easy charm. It was hard not to smile around Mitchell, the man had a unique manner that just set people at ease. 

"How about a drink then?" 

“Fantastic idea, Mr Tracy. I’m sure Miss McNelly is in need of one too.”

Scott beckoned over a waiter, who swiftly moved around the other attendees to reach them. 

"I'll have a sherry, if you don't mind."

"I'll have a Scotch please. What would you like, Miss McNelly, another mojito?"

Josie hesitated a moment and seemed to become uneasy, her fingers returning to her hem. 

"Another mojito would be lovely, thank you." 

"Is that all?"

"Yes, thank you."

Scott dismissed the waiter, still intrigued by Miss McNelly. There was so much to uncover, and although he was starting to feel that he'd be cleaning the pool next week, he hadn't given up. Mitchell was just the person he needed to help break down those walls of hers.

"So, a Cambridge graduate then? I've a friend who did engineering at Cambridge university."

"Yes, it's a fantastic institution. It took me a year to find my feet, but I thrived once I did. Did you visit your friend while he was there?"

Scott chuckled slightly at the thought of visiting Brains at university. His father hadn't met the man yet and he would have been a kid himself. 

"No, I never got the chance."

"That's a shame. It's like a world of its own. All the best equipment within old buildings and traditions which go back centuries. Although it was fun at the start, with all the formal dinners and dressing up in your gown, it does get a little mundane after the umpteenth time. Sure, it's a three course meal with wine from some excellent chefs, but you can't eat that rich food every day and it's expensive. I could keep myself fed and watered for a week for the price of two evening meals!"

"I must admit, I didn't make the best decisions when it came to food during my first years in the Air Force."

Scott thought back to the instant noodles and takeaways he'd indulged in on the weekends. The freedom that came with not having to eat Grandma's home cooking had been liberating. Though he did eventually learn to cook a few simple dishes during his time in the Air Force. 

"Most of us make bad choices at university. It comes with being young and free." 

There was a sadness in her tone and her face dimmed slightly. What mistakes had this woman made that she regretted? Did it have something to do with the guard she hid behind? She put on a forced smile, and he knew he had to keep her engaged. Unfortunately, Lady Penelope and Gordon decided to make their entrance to the group. 

"Oh! Why hello Lady Penelope, and you are…."

Mitchell held out his hand to Gordon, who shook it with his usual amount of enthusiasm. Out of the corner of his eye, Scott caught the movement of Miss McNelly's hand. She was once again fiddling with her jacket. 

"Gordon Tracy."

"Ahhh, Mr Tracy's brother. I see the resemblance now."

Scott hid his laugh behind a grin, though he caught Miss McNelly’s eyes darting between him and Gordon. He wondered if she was picking up on the same resemblance. Scott watched as Lady Penelope, and then Gordon, introduced themselves. The drinks they had ordered arrived, and Scott noted the way Miss McNelly took a tentative sip of the drink. The small talk started, though Scott caught the small sips she took frequently, as a way to keep herself busy. She was definitely out of her element, which might explain why her guard was up. He listened in, gaining snippets of information about the woman. Gordon was keen to keep her chatting, probably as a way of distracting her from him, thus improving the chances Scott was going to lose the bet. After a while, Miss McNelly politely excused herself. Scott watched as she headed in the direction of the bathrooms, he hoped that meant she’d be back. 

“Miss McNelly is quite the interesting character, don’t you think Scott?”

Scott could see the small grin on his brother's face and the gleam in his eye that revealed to Scott the hidden meaning. Gordon thought the bet was his and he’d gotten out of his chore. Another business associate of Tracy Industries joined their group and stole Scott’s attention. Miss McNelly never returned. 

****

Finally getting away from yet another business proposal, Scott headed to the bar where Gordon was perched. He lent against it and turned to survey the room with his brother. 

"No success then?"

"As much as you've had with Lady Penelope."

Scott's eyes fell on Miss McNelly. She was chatting with Mitchell again. Maybe he still had a chance. Turning to the bartender he ordered a Scotch and mojito. Gordon raised his eyebrow at the order. 

"One last chance. I'm not going to give in that easily."

Scott grabbed the drinks and headed toward Miss McNelly. She'd just shaken hands with Mitchell and the man had turned to chase down someone on the other side of the room. He took a breath and turned on the charm. 

***

Josie watched Mr Sandip hurry after someone and smiled to herself. He'd promised to pass on her details to recruitment. She was feeling beat but was pretty pleased with her efforts. She'd sold her company and thrown out a few business cards. Hopefully she'd made her mark. The whole event hadn't been as bad as she'd expected, though that one alcoholic drink had eased her nerves a little. She was happy to have been able to keep it to one. Glancing at her watch, she confirmed it was late and she still had some travelling to do. It was time for her to leave. 

"Miss McNelly, care to have a drink with me?"

Dread filled her as the familiar voice spoke from behind. Turning she immediately noticed Mr Tracy was standing between her and the exit. She took a deep breath. In the man's hands were two drinks: an amber spirit and a mojito. Her breath caught in her throat, the situation bringing her back to a night she wanted to forget.

"You got me a drink?" 

She stared at the glass. She suspected it had alcohol in it, having ordered one in front of him, but what else did it contain? She couldn't confirm it wasn't spiked. Would he do that sort of thing? Save people one day, drug them the next? Rich people never made sense to her though. They defied logic. 

"I thought we could chat a little more." 

He held out the mojito, forcing Josie to make a choice. Did she trust the man? She looked up into his face. He had a warm smile that met his eyes and she wanted to trust him. She wanted so much to believe he was a good guy. But her fear was there, deep inside as it always was, and she couldn't. She smiled at him as she reached out her right hand and plucked the glass of what she hoped was scotch, from his grip. Josie kept her eyes locked on his as she raised the glass to her lips. The amber liquid was not one she'd tried before, probably a vintage out of her price range. She was thankful it wasn't peaty; she hates those. His mouth dropped in shock as he looked at the cocktail in his hand. Josie couldn’t help the smile as she fought not to laugh. She let the liquid roll over her tongue and down her throat. 

"I'm Scottish and it's the end of the night. You never asked me what I wanted." 

She locked eyes with him as the shock faded from his face. Mr Tracy glanced down at the cocktail briefly, indecision in his eyes. Josie was still on edge, ready to step back if she had to. She decided to test the water. 

"Take a sip. The mojitos here are the best."

Josie challenged him. If he refused to drink it then it must be spiked. If it wasn't, there was no reason not to take a sip. His hand stayed where it was. 

"I'd rather the scotch."

"This scotch is mine now, and you don't want to waste that drink now, do you?"

****

Miss McNelly's face was serious. Scott felt slightly uncomfortable under her scrutinizing gaze. It was a challenge. For some reason, she wanted him to drink the mojito. He hadn’t expected her to take his drink and she had sipped it without grimacing. Never before had he met someone who acted as she did. Most people wanted to know more about him, most pestered about International Rescue, but not Miss McNelly. It felt like she had never warmed to him, even if she had seemed better and more relaxed during their conversation with Mitchell. Scott didn't want to drink the mojito; it was his most despised cocktail. What was this woman's game? 

"No, thank you."

"Fine." 

Scott was shocked again when Miss McNelly took the cocktail from him. What happened next, happened both at lightning speed and in slow motion. There was nothing Scott could do to stop it. 

"Thank you for the drink, but I don't appreciate the attention you've given me. I tried to make it clear I wasn't interested."

The cocktail glass was thrust in his direction, its contents flying out at him. Ice and mint hit his face as the sticky fluid started to soak into his shirt. As if that wasn't enough Miss McNelly stood on her toes, stretched up and poured the scotch into his hair. It trickled down his neck. 

“I’m not interested.”

Miss McNelly stalked past him. Scott didn't know how to react. One part of him wanted to storm after her and demand an explanation, though that would probably make things worse. This is what he gets for accepting a silly bet. He turned on his heel and headed towards the exit. Gordon was sitting at the bar and the smirk on his face became laugher as Scott approached. His brother was struggling to stay in his stool. 

"I'm calling it a night."

"Sure Scott….I look forward...to watching you...clean the pool." Gordon gasped between spasms of laughter. 

****

Josie bolted. She started running once she had heard the door shut. She didn't stop, not looking back and running as fast as she could to the nearest light rail station. Fear was a great motivator, and she didn't slow until she was on the platform where she gasped for breath. Josie had never been a runner. She hated it. Her eyes never left the entrance until she was on the train. Only then could she start to relax. Once in the carriage the tears started to fall. She’d overreacted. She'd made a scene. Her body shook. How stupid could she be? Slipping her phone out of her jacket she swiped up her call history and tapped the first person on the list. 

****

Josie lay back on the bench. It was around the corner from the hostel she’d booked for the night. The cheapest way to stay in London was to share a bunk bed with a stranger. There was no way she could have a private conversation in a room of sleeping people, and this random street bench was the easiest option. If there was ever someone she needed right now, it was her best friend Graham. His thick Scottish accent rang out from her phone. 

“Seriously Josie, ye need to stop seeing every man as a potential threat. Cannae a man just be polite?”

“I don’t suspect all men, just the ones that make me feel uncomfortable.”

“Ye said this guy was Scott Tracy, right?”

“Yes.”

“Scott Tracy, the Commander of International Rescue and pilot of Thunderbird One?”

“Maybe, I can’t remember which one flies which.”

“Hold on, ye can list every damned fact available about the Thunderbirds, but ye cannae tell me who pilots them?”

“You sound like my brother! Why should I care who flies the Thunderbird? I want to know how they fly!”

Graham rolled his eyes, and Josie couldn’t help but laugh at him. She twisted onto her front, her arm aching from holding her phone in the air. 

“Well, I’ve looked him up and I think ye would have been safe to drink that mojito. Although I’ll admit that he probably was hitting on ye. According to the gossip blogs he has picked up the odd girlfriend from events like that. Not that they last long, with him spending most of his time savin' people. If ye hadn’t been so aggressive ye could be heading back to Scotland with a great story! Imagine being able to say ye slept with the pilot of Thunderbird One!”

“A. I prefer Thunderbird Three. B. I’d rather spend the night with Thunderbird One herself. C. If I’d known, I would have given him your number.”

Josie stuck her tongue out, only to watch Graham contort his face in response. They both ended up in a fit of giggles. 

“At least ye still have a good story for the next campfire. Many girls have slept with Mr Thunderbird One, but I doubt many can claim they threw a drink in his face.”

A groan left Josie as she placed her forehead against the wood, breathing in its damp musk. She was never going to forget this and once it’d been passed round the town, it would definitely make its way to work. They would never let her go to another event again. 

“I’m an idiot. The whole night was pointless. No one is going to want to hire me now.”

“Definitely an idiot. They only let those into private schools.”

Josie scowled at her friend, though she was fighting a smile. It was an old joke, one that Graham used when she needed to see perspective. It reminded both of them how far they had come. Even if Josie was still stuck in Scotland. She yawned at the same time as the fifteen-minute warning was announced on Graham’s end. 

“Looks like we’re both in bunks tonight.” 

“Righty-ho. G'night Josie.”

"G’night Grey.”

Josie was just about to end the call when Graham decided to get the last word in. 

“And Jo, FYI Gordon Tracy pilots Thunderbird Four.”

Josie glared at him. The last thing she heard was Graham’s laughter as the screen went black. Cradling her phone in her hand, she stared at it, before turning her head to the sky. She couldn't see the stars that she knew were there. Josie may not have her dream job, yet, but Graham always reminded her of how lucky she was.

[13eyond13]

Do you really think Takada could have gone against Light's wishes or used him in return in a way that made sense with the way she was written morally, politically and personality-wise? How do you imagine that could have gone? What could she have wanted to do, achieve, or how could she have gone against his wishes? And do you think it would have been more morally related, like Mikami killing people that didn't fit Kira's criteria, or more at a personal level? Both?

I would also like to know if you think Light liked Takada to some extent or even harboured some feelings for her, despite his ultimate coldness, and if you think their relationship gets a different treatment in the manga and the anime.

Hello again! Thanks for both of your asks. I am only publishing this one with the questions, but I liked and agreed with all the insights you included about Kiyomi, Misa, and Light in the previous ask too. And I'm very impressed that you re-read the entire manga in such a short period of time! Please be warned that I'm too tired and lazy at the moment to reread anything myself lol, so I am basing this off super distant memories of last reading and watching the successor arc approximately 3 years ago now...

(under a cut bc it's a bit long)

Do you really think Takada could have gone against Light's wishes in some way? Or used him in return in a way that made sense with the way she was written morally, politically, and personality-wise? How do you imagine that could have gone? Would it be more morally-related, or on a personal level, or both?

I think yes, it could've been possible for Ohba to write Kiyomi that way instead while still keeping her in-character. But he normally isn't too concerned with emotionally developing most of the characters apart from Light. And any drastic changes in behaviour like this for Kiyomi in the second half would probably be more effective if Ohba had been consciously setting her character up from the very start to return again later on, or to play a role in the narrative of that sort. And apparently this was not the case. Ohba said in the behind the scenes book that he never originally planned for Kiyomi to return at a later date when he first introduced her; I think she was initially just meant to be one of the many expendable female classmates whom Light was camouflaging his social life with while being tailed at school. Indeed, barely anything of significance happens in Kiyomi's introductory scenes to even really warrant introducing her character by name. So when she was brought back as Kira's spokesperson later on I don't think it was because Ohba had some strong desire to further develop her emotionally. Maybe he was mostly just wanting to flesh out Kira's posse and the overall worldbuilding a bit more. This is typical of the series in general though, as most of the characters stay pretty static in their stances and their motives and emotional journeys apart from Light.

I don't have a ton of energy to come up with a lot of specific scenarios for Kiyomi to do something differently right now, and to be honest it's kind of even slipping my mind how the whole thing even was working between Light and Kiyomi plot-wise in canon as it was. Like I'm totally forgetting now what kind of faking they had to do initially with each other and the task force listening in on their meetings and Light secretly being Kira and such, lol.

But anyway, here are some things that maybe could have been done differently with her character:

SHE DIDNT ACTUALLY LIKE HIM BACK THEN -It could've been revealed that Kiyomi hadn't actually had sincere feelings for Light when they were dating back in the day at all, and that Light's vanity about his usual popularity with girls somewhat blinded him to this fact. I think this would be just as realistic as Kiyomi secretly holding a flame for him all these years and then agreeing to be his mistress, for sure. And it would make sense to me that she is equally as opportunistic and shallow and image-conscious as he is when it comes to who she dates, both in the past and in the present. Especially because apparently she was the one who made the first move and asked him out. Even if this didn't affect the plot all that much, I still think it would be funny and a bit of a refreshing break from everyone always drooling all over Light

SHE DID LIKE HIM BACK THEN, BUT SHE DOESN'T LIKE HIM NOW -She could have maybe genuinely liked Light when they briefly dated at school, but him being kind of a dick to her back then means that she no longer feels anything for him when he looks her up again. She could still act like she is interested in rekindling their romance, but really only be doing it for utilitarian and selfish motives of her own. Maybe career-building motives or ideological ones or personal ones, or a mix of them all, who knows. But she would be secretly playing him the entire time he's playing her; inwardly looking down on him for his vanity and his arrogant assumptions all the while he is secretly looking down on her for apparently being so gullible. It could possibly be pretty funny to watch

SHE LIKES HIM AGAIN, BUT THEN SHE CHANGES HER MIND - She could still be genuinely into it him when they reunite, but then experience something traumatic or shocking like the kidnapping a bit earlier in the plot that she survives and that radically changes her views. It could make her completely lose her faith in her Kira ideals, or her attraction to Light, or both. Or maybe just something like the grim reality of Light asking her to personally murder people with the notebook could cause her to rethink things that she previously stood for, because it all becomes a lot more scary and gruesome and real. She definitely had a horrified reaction when faced with the task of committing any murders herself, but she still went along with it anyway. That easily could have been a personal crisis that set her off down an entirely different path

I would also like to know, considering Takada's relationship and parallelism with Light, and how Light seems to treat her marginally better than he treats Misa while with her, if you think Light liked her a bit or harboured some kind of feelings for her, despite ultimate coldness, and if you think their relationship gets a different treatment in the manga and the anime.

I think Light treated Kiyomi with a bit more attention than Misa mostly because she is higher maintenance in the respect she requires from a romantic partner in order to feel trusting of them and devoted to them. But he still mostly looked down on her inwardly, and seemed to barely even pay enough attention to her to develop any feelings for her otherwise. All of Light's thoughts about Kiyomi are dismissive and mocking and unkind, no matter what kind of flattering and admiring things he's saying to her to win her trust. I don't think he particularly hated her or anything like that; but he clearly didn't ever respect her or find her very interesting, either. I think this is because he could successfully fool her with his manipulation, and because all he ever really cared about whenever he was interacting with her was using her to achieve his own goals.

Their relationship was depicted pretty similarly between the manga and the anime, I think? But it's been so long now since I've read or watched it that I can't really confidently say what the major differences between the anime and the manga for this relationship are now, sorry. I haven't been keeping fresh on canon these days, because I'm spending all my time this year trying to read and watch new things instead

[crackinglamb]

Hi! I hope it isn’t too much trouble, but I’d like to ask how or why you decided to write Twist? And then also how and why you decided to write Wicked Games a little bit after. Did you wanna explore different relationships with characters when having a different personality in your ‘Modern Girl’ or different goals, because Carly talked Solas down and guided him into a different path, while Imogen seems to want him to go through with his plans with her help and a large dose of “what the heck is the canon timeline?” I love both of the stories, I might reread them again to help with the Modern Girl in Thedas withdrawals.

I ask because I’ve been reading “Modern Girl/Person in Thedas” stories and really wanna try my hand at them, I just feel like I am only writing it for little one shot type interactions between characters, and don’t really know why I’d actually have a “Modern Girl” be sent to Thedas, how and why, and what they would do, If your willing to give insight I’d love to hear it. I just hope I’m not a bother.

Oh no, you're not a bother at all! Thank you so much for this ask!! I love to talk about how I fell down this rabbit hole! I hope you're ready for a dissertation, because this got really long. 💕💕💕

I came to Dragon Age backwards. I didn't know anything about the series other than a lot of people liked it and had very strong opinions about it. Then a fellow writer began to write a Varric/Hawke story and I read it because I wanted to support her return to posting.

And I fell in love with a world I'd never seen.

I realized that, due to its age, I actually did know more about the games than I thought I did. I knew the ending already, and who this bald dude was that had the fandom so divided. A classic villain, right? Wrong. Some people think he's just terrible and some people defend him to the death. Some people think he's terrible but don't let that stop them from defending him to the death. So what was the real deal?

I did some research (because at that point I was writing my own Varric/Hawke fic and I'll still die on that ship hill. Anyways...moving on). I discovered that everything I thought I knew about Solas was skewed by fandom interpretation. Which is valid. I mean, all our opinions end up that way when it comes to fandom, right? All interpretation is subjective. But the fact remains that Solas interprets the world around him through the eyes of the Inquisitor and how they treat him. And that is player based. Low approval proves his opinion that this is a world not fit to live it. High approval shows him that his decision is going to destroy something beautiful, but he still feels he needs to do it.

I got to thinking about what it would take to stop him. Through the course of watching his romance, reading a lot of meta and lore posts and listening to his companion banter, I had a headcannon emerge: Solas could only be stopped by someone who knew what he was doing from the start.

But that's not gonna happen in canon. He already allegedly killed the only person who knew. (Seriously, #saveFelassan) So who else would make him rethink it?

The answer that came to me was a person he needed, so he couldn't risk eliminating them. The Inquisitor who bears his mark. I then went a step further, and decided that someone who knew all his secrets and plans, and who could possibly help him shift them, would have to be from our world. Enter the Modern Girl in Thedas, because I love a good romance, and I wanted a happy ending to this otherwise tragic love story.

And Carly was born. A modern gamer girl, sucked through to a fictional world because the universe is vast and unknowable (and certain wisps of certain Evanuris like to nudge). I'd read a bunch of fic by the time I started writing Twist, including some self-insert types. None of them told him flat out from the beginning. So I determined that she would. She'd tell him what she knew and try to persuade him that his plans were awful and that if he wanted to claim he wasn't a monster, then he'd have to find another way.

I knew from the start that I wanted her to save the orb, because losing that is what tips the scales for Solas. Losing that means he has to find power from somewhere else and sets him on his path of death. Saving the orb meant his plans, while derailed, weren't ruined. Yes, I know in Trespasser he'll tell the Inquisitor that the world would have burned in raw chaos while he rewrote it, but considering the nature of magic and reality on Thedas, I think that's more due to human reaction than any actual destruction simply based on the lifting of the Veil. Demons are real and represent emotion. Humans look down on elves and do everything they possibly can to oppress them. Like the colonizers they are. Of course they'd react to an elven demigod rewriting the world to give his people back their strength poorly.

And then covid hit. Twist rapidly became a beacon of fluffy stability to my readers. It was an escape from the literal dumpster fire that my country was, so I was highly motivated to keep writing it. To keep it light and happy and epic in a way that felt satisfying to everyone. So that's what I did.

But...

I still hadn't played Inquisition when I started (and I still need to play the other two). I was missing so much of the nuance of the world. In the end, Twist wasn't the story I really wanted to tell. I mean, I'm proud of it, and I love it. I am deeply humbled and gratified to know how many people look at Carly with love and admiration. I love hearing how many times a reader has opened it up and binged it. That kind of feedback is the lifeblood of a writer, as I always say.

Wicked Game is the story I wanted to write. A little grittier, a little more plausible in keeping with the lore. Having Imogen be human gave her the power to call out other humans on their bigotry. And to show Solas that he's not the only one who can see how damaged the world is and want to fix it. Having her be a scientist gives me a chance to explore how magic works, and what the Veil really is after a year of immersing myself in this world. Yeeting canon so thoroughly came from thinking about the major plot points and what could be changed about them from the POV of a character who knows how this is all 'supposed' to happen...and the resultant fallout from her decisions.

Imogen can see the forest for the trees. Her outsider perspective gives her all sorts of insights on her companions and the world at large. The fact that she falls ass over teakettle for the Dread Wolf against her own better judgment is just a good trope. Having him do the same is my clapback against his racially locked romance. (Here's where I'm gonna throw out my own extra kudos to writers who also portray Solas as bisexual, because dammit, he should be. Immortal beings would not bend to any heteronormative conventions.)

Carly and Imogen have rather similar motivations behind them: they want to save the world and not lose him. They often go about it in similar ways too. I guess the biggest difference between them is that now I know what I'm doing and I have more confidence in my storytelling ability. Neither of them is a self-insert. Plenty of people do that and that's totally valid. I'm just not really a fan of it myself. These two characters are no different to me than any other OC starting out at the beginning of the game. They just have slightly more backstory than the average Inquisitor.

Now, in regards to you writing your own and feeling like all you have are oneshot ideas. Go for it. Doesn't matter if they're oneshots. A story doesn't have to be hundreds of thousands of words to be awesome or complete. Write what YOU want to read. The best reason to make a character be a certain way, like being MCIT, is because you want them to be. No other justification is necessary. The only rules in storytelling are grammar ones, and even those are iffy at best. The only courtesy if you decide to go ahead and share it is don't plagiarize and tag it properly. That's it. The sky's the limit and up for grabs. Go forth and be bold.

[valiantarcher]

I have random and assorted thoughts on my Constance Savery reads over the past couple of weeks. I’ve categorised them by work (Magic in My Shoes, “The Waswytch Secret”, The Reb and the Redcoats, The Good Ship Red Lily, and Enemy Brothers) so those who haven’t read all of them have the option to (hopefully easily) scroll past the unread ones if they so desire. I have also put them under the cut due to length.

Magic in My Shoes: I enjoyed Sally as the narrator, and the premise was engaging even with me knowing the secret early in the book. I was a little surprised by the accusations of ill-nourishment and neglect against Aunt Persis, but in retrospect, I appreciate that realism - four growing children are not going to flourish off even generous portions for two of them. Which brings me to my main complaint - Tandy and his unwillingness to see gorging himself was selfish and wrong on many levels. Despite the thin excuse that he had been delicate and sickly at times in the past, I really expected Josset (with Laurence’s support) to put his foot down instead of continuing to baby him (after all, as someone remarked, triplets are all of the same age). Tandy didn’t ruin the story for me, but he made certain parts of it very irritating. I did love the plan involving ten-year-old Laurence becoming a schoolteacher and, when Aunt Persis declared that was nonsense, all the children bring up a moral tale with a six-year-old being so studious that she became a teacher as solid proof.

“The Waswytch Secret”: Given that it was in a collection of ghost stories (well, sort of - most had some sort of haunting element, if only a little, but I’m still not sure why “The Red-Headed League” was included), I wasn’t sure what to expect at first. It was thoroughly Savery, though, and an enjoyable read with an element of mystery. It felt slightly different from her novels, and I think that was due to the choice of one of the younger children as narrator.

Reb and Redcoats: This was a reread and I found it a pretty fun one this time around. Randal’s integration into and relationship with the Darringtons was charming. I couldn’t decide whether Tim Wingate’s inaptitude for stealth and secrecy was more irritating or amusing, but I swung towards the latter by the end, especially given his cheerful nature. My main gripe is that I still feel like the Patty switch was kind of cheating.

The Good Ship Red Lily: I struggled with this one a lot even past (or maybe because of) the tense start. Violet was a horrible child, and I loathed Ingram and disliked Sir Timon. Objectively, of course it’s good that there was reconciliation with Ingram and that he repented and asked forgiveness, but I could not make myself invested in it (though the tiny glimpses we had of it from Michael’s perspective helped a little). I enjoyed Toby as primary character a lot and especially appreciated his resolution to deny the pleasures when he felt accepting them would go against his conscience. I wasn’t very pleased with the treatment of Patience, though - Toby said the others didn’t join him in his denial because they were too young to understand; while that certainly makes sense for the younger ones (and Violet is a category in and of herself), Patience is a year older than him and - although not privy to all the knowledge and trust from their father that Toby is - was Toby’s confidant about plans to escape. She showed a lack of wisdom in following Violet up the chimney, but that could partially have been explained by her caregiving to the younger children. Regardless, especially since all knew about Ingram’s betrayal, I think Patience at least should have been given a reason for not seeing the pleasures as a betrayal of their father instead of being pushed to the side and under the general but false umbrella of “too young to understand”.

Enemy Brothers: Especially after The Good Ship Red Lily, I was afraid this one might not live up to the positive recollection I had of it - but it didn’t disappoint. I very much appreciated that, although Dym was the one who had a special connection with Tony, Tony belonged to the entire family and they to him. I know Tony takes it lightly at the end and chalks it up to their keenness for detective work, but James and Porgy cycling 60 miles after him and the German in the car was no small thing. And, while it bugs me a little bit that Ginger doesn’t recgonise Tony despite the marked resemblance to Dym, I’ll let it go with the idea that he thinks he’s familiar but his brain doesn’t provide the correct context while on ship. I have a new appreciation for Dym. On one hand, of course he is gentle and doesn’t take harm easily from Tony - he’s been searching for Tony for years and so he’s been choosing to love Tony for years. And, on the other, you can tell he still hasn’t forgiven Max’s Mutti for stealing Tony and just how much effort it takes for him to choose to tell Tony to still love her and that he will take him to see her after the war. I also appreciate the honesty that Dym had in discussing England’s past and how they were not always on the side of right but that this time, they were. Also, Dym was a bomber pilot! I don’t know the exact statistics, but this was an incredibly dangerous job. I’m sure it varied some between organizations and aircraft, but if you were on the crew of a US B-17 bomber doing runs, the odds were you would only make it halfway through the 25 runs (I believe that’s right for the year it was published?) you were supposed to before being killed, captured, or severely injured. Even if you beat the odds and made it through all those runs (as some did), you would have had multiple crewmembers who did not and so would not have kept your full crew together (Were there rare exceptions to this, crews who made it all together? I hope so, but I don’t know). At any rate, when Euphemia comments to Dym and his friends to leave croquet until the summer when it was warmer and the way they all looked at each other for a moment as if there was no certainty that summer would come hit hard this time. (Oh, I just found someone noting that the RAF flew night missions and had a higher casualty rate than the US bombers, though it did depend on the year, of course - if they weren’t in the worst year yet, they were heading into it.) And the moment when Tony finds Dym and comes up behind him, nervous and afraid, and whispers “Please, George, I’ve come back” is just wonderful. I think there’s an idea of fear and justice vs. love and mercy, along with the hope that the choice of coming back will make a difference, but I haven’t figured out how to put it into words. I’m actually kind of shocked this book has never been made into a movie or a mini-series, especially when WWII stories have been so popular in somewhat recent years. But perhaps the strong Christian threads have put producers off (...not that that’s stopped others from mangling or removing them from other works).

The Good Ship Red Lily and Enemy Brothers: Enemy Brothers feels like a kind of inverse of The Good Ship Red Lily. Both books deal with children meeting and spending time with family members (and because of kidnapping, no less) and making decisions as to where home is and who true family is, but the role of the family is drastically different. In Red Lily, the dapper uncle is the kidnapper. Ingram tries to act like he is filling the kind, wise, but fun adult role and the children do love him for that. However, he is directly and actively responsible for their kidnapping, for previous imprisonment of their father, and for the current attempt to capture their father. In Enemy Brothers, Dym is ostensibly in the enemy role (being English and responsible for Tony’s “imprisonment” in the White Priory), but his actions are kind, loving, and (mostly) wise. Even when Tony is hating him, he can’t deny there’s a magnetism around Dym that all the children, including him, recognise and respond to. It’s not quite that serious, but I am reminded of the exchange in The Fellowship of the Ring about the enemy’s agents seeming fair but feeling foul, while the good may look foul but feel fair. But where an understanding of Ingram’s true nature leads Toby to separate from him and his grandfather, a deeper understanding of Dym and his true character helps Tony to make the hard but right decision about his home and family. In both cases, repentance and returning bring about reconciliation and restoration, but Ingram is the one repenting in Red Lily, confessing and asking forgiveness of his brother. In Enemy Brothers, Tony is the one who comes back, finally seeking the brother who has sought him for so long. He doesn’t ask for forgiveness from his brother in words and indeed doesn’t need to because his actions speak so loudly of it, but is fully received with love and restored.

[never-sated]

2021 In The Rear View

2021 sure was a year.

Personally, it was the year my wife and I finally bought a house.  August and September were largely overtaken by packing and moving.  A lot of October was unpacking and building furniture.

Reading was the only place I really set a goal for 2021 and I failed it pretty badly.  I’m just not the reader my wife is.  If something really grabs my interest, I’ll gobble it up in a few days.  I never count fanfic in the official tally, though I read a ton.  Comics, likewise.  There’s not a lot to pull from but there were a few really significant titles from the year for me.  Four Hundred Souls was a undertaking, but more than worth it.  Let Me Tell You What I Mean is the only Didion I read but it was excellent as she always is.  2022 will be my In Memoriam year for that legend.  The Chosen and the Beautiful was Nghi Vo at her finest.  Last Night at the Telegraph Club was, far and away, the biggest surprise.  I also reread all-time favorites in Too Like the Lightning, Seven Surrenders, and The Will to Battle in preparation for Perhaps the Stars which I started but will be finishing in 2022.

2021 was finally the year I really cut back my comic pull list.  It had been shrinking but it’s the smallest it’s been since I started way back in the mid-2000s.  2021 was largely about limited runs for me: Abbott 1973, Far Sector, Mamo, The Many Deaths of Laila Starr, The Old Guard: Tales Through Time, Proctor Valley Road, Sandman Universe: The Dreaming - Waking Hours, Silke, Specter Inspectors, and Tales from Harrow County: Fair Folk.  There were a few continuing series like Ascender, The Department of Truth, Once and Future, and Something is Killing the Children that I really enjoyed as well.  The end of the year also brought a few gems in House of Slaughter, Mazebook, and the return of Kate Bishop in Hawkeye: Kate Bishop.

I watched very little in the way of film or TV in 2021 (sports are always excluded because I watch a ton).  It just wasn’t the year for it I suppose.  It would’ve been hard to beat Arcane regardless so it’s probably for the best that I watched little else.

I played very very few video games to completion.  There are games that are always in rotation like Football Manager, Darkest Dungeon (II), The Long Dark, Slay the Spire, Loop Hero, and, recently, Unpacking.  Those are all evergreen games for me though so they don’t count.  I replayed Dishonored and Dishonored II and did not regret a second.  I replayed Dragon Age II and fell in love all over again.  I all but finished Dragon Age: Inquisition (and have since completed the main game, excluding Trespasser).  My experience with DAI was vastly better this time around, though it’s still behind DA2 for me in terms of favorite characters.  Right at the end of 2021, the wife and I also restarted FFXIV and have been having a fantastic time.

I suppose I could say that I didn’t have the 2021 in board gaming that I hoped for, but I feel like I played when I wanted to, so there’s that.  Our play totals were down from 2020 and I would like to get back to a more regular schedule of playing but, looking back, I don’t feel bad about the year.  I grew a lot as a gamer, letting go of a lot of games and not backing or buying nearly so many.  We embraced lighter games and explored the world of print-and-play.  We did make some decent headway back into our Arkham Horror: The Card Game campaign.  Some highlights from the year include: A Gentle Rain, Abandon All Artichokes, Bloodborne: The Board Game, Cascadia, Castle Party, Curious Cargo, Deep Space D6: The Long Way Home, Elemintary, Flourish, Hall of the Dwarven King, Juicy Fruits, Lantern, Orchard,  The Quacks of Quedlinburg, Santa Monica, Spire’s End, Super Dice Heroes, Super-Skill Pinball: 4-cade, Tetroll, Warp’s Edge, Whirling Witchcraft, and X-Men: Mutant Insurrection.

Besides buying a house, the major highlight for me was getting back to writing regularly.  I don’t write every day but I also don’t feel like I have to.  I write when I have something to write which is usually four to five days a week.  Getting back to writing regularly has made a massive difference in how I feel from day to day and has been, aside from the house, the biggest positive from 2021.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #246: GATHERINGS

August, 1984

Family feud! Guest-starring SERSI of the Eternals!

She comes!

A portent of times to come! I hear a faint rumbling of leather jackets from distant years...

Also, hey! She-Hulk! I missed you!

The Avengers have been through the Secret Wars and participated in the Wraith War! What’s next for our band of heroes?

Maybe parties? The cover makes it look like a party is going on before some Kirby-looking guys crashed.

But also? Vision’s vague scheming to raise the Avengers’ profile continues as he and Scarlet Witch take a trip to visit President Reagan and First Lady Reagan at the White House.

Weird thing is that we don’t get an unobscructed view of Reagan’s face. He’s either back to the ‘camera’ or cropped on the panel border. Weird, since this wasn’t a problem last time he appeared in this book. Y’know, the time some plant people tried to hold him for ransom? That time?

President Didn’t-Pay-for-the-Likeness-Rights thanks Vision for taking time to personally brief him on all the biz the Avengers have been up to.

President Reagan: “I wish we could talk like this more often! The National Security Council keeps me posted on your missions, but there’s nothing like getting the news firsthand.”

Vision: “I quite agree, Mr. President. In fact, I have a few suggestions for making the lines of communication between Avengers Mansion and the White House more... shall we say... direct?”

He suggests they speak in private which Reagan gladly agrees to, shooing Scarlet Witch and Mrs. Reagan out. To Scarlet Witch’s surprise because he sprang the trip on Washington on her and now he’s sprung this on her.

Also, every time Vision meets someone in private and the conversation takes place off-panel, they suddenly come around to his point of view so.... uh...

Well, I’m sure it’s fine.

Meanwhile, we get back to Captain Monica Marvel Rambeau’s subplot. Remember how she worried after getting back from Secret Wars that she had no explanation to give her family for being missing for several days? And was thinking of telling them about her secret superhero thing?

Well, she calls home to New Orleans and her presumably firefighter dad answers. I presume he’s a firefighter because there’s a firefighter hat and coat hanging up prominently in the background. We call that environmental storytelling.

Monica’s mom isn’t home so Monica asks for her parents to call her back when they’re both available.

Monica: “In a way, I’m glad momma wasn’t home. That gives me more time to figure out how I’m going to tell them that their ‘little girl’ is leading a double life... as an Avenger called Captain Marvel!”

... Geez, her costume looks so weird when there’s nobody in it.

Monica ponders just bringing it up casually by RECAPPING HER ENTIRE BACKSTORY! Which, in fairness, would be an appropriate way to handle it. But she decides that just going ‘yeah I was helping old family friend Professor LeClare investigate a secret lab on an oil platform, punched a machine, got powers, and then joined the Avengers’ would sound crazy and that there must be a better way to tell them.

I say, take it slow and ramp up. Start from ‘I have superpowers’, do a little pew pew flashlight beam and let their questions guide your explanation.

Meanwhile again but elsewhere, Wasp van Dyne is just chilling at Avengers Mansion, bumming herself out rereading the World According to Garp, and receiving a phone call from West Avengers Chairman Hawkeye.

He tells her that he found a great HQ for the new West Coast Avengers, some old silent film star’s home, and he’s overseeing renovations now.

This ongoing Hawkeye real estate subplot is to get you excited for the upcoming West Coast Avengers series. Are you?

I dread it.

Anyway, Starfox comes in after the phone call and recognizes that Janet is in a Mood. A very bored mood. A post-chairperson funk.

Wasp: “It’s just that Wanda and the Vision are in Washington... Hawkeye and his new wife are setting up a new team in California... Cap and Thor are away on missions of their own... Everybody’s doing something! Everybody but me! It’s funny, after all we’ve been through lately, especially with that horrible Magneto, you’d think I’d appreciate a little leisure time. But instead, I’m bored out of my mind!”

Magneto kissing her really teed her off if that’s what she’s focusing on from the whole Secret Wars thing and not having died.

Starfox has just the answer for Wasp’s post-Magneto-kissing blues though.

PARTY.

He was on his way to a great party and Wasp can be his plus one!

Meanwhile, on the Washington to New York plane, Vision and Scarlet Witch.

She’s confused why they didn’t just take the Quinjets that they have instead of flying on a commercial airline but Vision says that getting out among the people is just good public relations.

I mean, he’s not wrong. But also flying in public, in your costumes, seems like it runs the risk of aggroing a supervillain attack.

It doesn’t happen but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it did.

The flight attendant asks Vision if he drinks before course correcting into asking him if he wants a drink.

I don’t know what’s more amazing here. Wanda going ‘he never has coffee at home’ like that coffee ad that Airplane spoofed.

Or Vision patting himself on the back for connecting to the common man with his drink order.

Simply superb.

Back at the casa Rambeau, Maria Rambeau returns and then returns Monica’s call. Monica says she’s going to come over for dinner and then a panel later, she’s knocking on the door.

Her parents are confused because it’s a twenty-minute drive between Monica’s house and theirs but that’s just part of what Monica wants to explain to them.

I see Monica decided to just jump into her explanation.

Back in New York, Janet frets over whether she’s dressed right for the party but Starfox just dismisses that as one of Earth’s weird mores. Why, he only wears the one outfit and that’s just gonna have to be good enough.

They arrive at the party and it seems to be a hobnobbin’ sort of event, with people discussing court settlements and acting. Also, She-Hulk is there. Hi, She-Hulk!

Glad Stern found another excuse to include you after Byrne stole you away to the land of the Fantastic.

She-Hulk says she met the host at an exotic bakery shop just last week and that’s how she scored the invite.

I wonder what made these baked goods so exotic. And I’m wondering if it wasn’t actually erotic. Do I think that She-Hulk would purchase a butt cake? Yes, yes I do.

She asks Starfox how he knows the host and, well, he doesn’t. He heard about the party and decided to invite himself (and Wasp) along. I.e. crash.

But the host...

ITS SHE!

SERSI!

SHE COMES!

But the host, Sylvia Sersi, isn’t too bothered by the pair of party-crashing Avengers and has She-Hulk introduce them.

Starfox is enchanted to meet Sersi and she likewise but they’d best not be too enchanted to meet each other because I’m pretty sure they’re not too distant relations.

Mentor founded the Titan colony of the Eternals and the Eternals have all been around a while so there’s not that many branches between Starfox and Sersi, I don’t think.

Anyyyyyway.

A drunk man pauses before a mirror to tidy up his tie and gets a startle when a Watcher-looking guy that isn’t the Watcher because he has hair appears in the mirror instead of his own face.

When Sersi comes over to investigate she tells him he must have imagined it and sends the guy away for some air but then interrogates the mirror face man and calls him Domo.

Domo, in the mirror: “We need you here in Olympia! Everyone is needed for the final decision!”

Sersi: “I told you before, I don’t care! Go ahead and make your big decision! It won’t affect me, because I intend to go right on doing as I please!”

Then she turns the mirror into a picture of penguins??

Her powers are great indeed.

Although her investment in the community is less so.

Whatever this mysterious decision everyone is voting on, it is clearly less important than this rockin’ party. This party has a She-Hulk!

Back over at the Rambeaus, Monica decides to just rip off the band-aid and tell her parents that she’s Captain Marvel. They find it hard to believe so she just pulls out her costume and lightspeeds into it.

Harder to hold doubts when your daughter glows with an awesome power.

Frank Rambeau: “It’s true... my little girl’s an Avenger. Hey, that means... you’ve met Captain America!”

Frank jumping right to the important points.

Thankfully, Monica’s parents are very supportive. And actually like the Avengers. You have cool parents, Monica.

Frank Rambeau: “Monica, I don’t know what to say! The Avengers are heroes... like Cap and the Black Panther and Thor... They’re like a legend! To think that you’re one of them -- !”

Maria Rambeau: “We’re very, very proud of you, dear... Prouder than we ever thought possible!”

Very cool parents.

Meanwhile, back at the party, mirror spooked guy (apparently Harry) goes out for air like Sersi suggested and then sees something else which spooks him even harder!

He runs from the party babbling about seeing things or not seeing things and not sticking around to sort out which.

Then a bunch of goons crash the party by flying through the terrace doors.

Look at these total goons.

Starfox steps forward and tries to defuse the situation both by words

Starfox: “Easy, my friends! I’m sure you don’t want to hurt anyone!”

And by shooting pleasure beams from his mind.

Predictably, his pleasure beam, besides being creepy, can’t be allowed to be too effective.

If it actually worked we wouldn’t have conflict and plot.

So like the Hulk in Incredible Hulk #300, these dudes called Delphans just slap Starfox out of the way.

Then superhero number two steps up.

One of the Delphans say that they need to get “that witch” before she can cause them any grief and She-Hulk was in proximity and assumes they meant her and takes exception to that.

She-Hulk: “‘Witch’, huh? You wouldn’t mean me, would you? That’s a bad choice of words, but you’re right about one thing... I can give plenty of grief!”

The Delphan just immediately hits her with an energy pole which just pisses off She-Hulk and ruins her party dress. Thankfully she had the unstable molecules FF costume on underneath.

She dresses in layers.

Delphan: “You’re still standing? But that photon-burst would have stunned the mighty Karkas!”

She-Hulk: “You stupid jerk! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find nice things in my size?!”

She-Hulk and Starfox start beating on the Delphans but its Sersi’s party and she can shoot eye beams if she wants to, eye beams if she wants to.

Sersi: “I should have known Domo would send you Delphans after me! Well, it won’t work! You’re not taking me away without a fight!”

Not just eyebeams but apparently a piggifying beam!

A singing piggifying beam!

Oh, sure, the Delphan says that its a transmutive ability but I know whats what.

Her name is Sersi, which is like Cerci, and she can shoot pig beams at people, especially Greek soldiers.

Unfortunately, like other witches before her, she needs some wrist range of movement to do her business and grabbing her by the arms will just nullify her.

Sigh.

If only he didn’t have armored outpanties, she could kick him in the business.

But fortunately, Wasp “can blow up a small house” van Dyne won’t be stopped by armored outerwear and shoots the Delphan grabbing Sersi right in the butt.

That is, Wasp shoots him in the butt, not that he’s grabbing Sersi in the butt.

Meanwhile, over in the Vision and Scarlet Witch subplot, their plane lands at LaGuardia and they’re instantly accosted by journalists who wants Vision’s take on rumors that the president is going to make chairmanship of the Avengers a cabinet-level post.

Vision coyly tells them that he and the president discussed many things but he’s not at liberty to confirm anything.

Hmm.

Then Vision excuses himself, saying that he and Wanda have to get back to Avengers Mansion.

Scarlet Witch: “We certainly do!” And when we get there, we are going to have a little talk!

Seems Wanda is annoyed at all this being left out of the loop.

Back at the A-plot, where A stands for Avengers go to a party and then get into a fight, Sersi gets fed up with these shenanigans and threatens to turn the Delphans into worms but she gets grabbed by the wrists again, this time by power-dampening chonky handcuffs, and dragged away by the Delphans to their spaceship that was hovering right outside the party.

Starfox and Wasp fly out in pursuit, with non-flying She-Hulk complaining about being left behind.

Wasp: “After them, Starfox! We mustn’t let them get away!”

Starfox: “I quite agree! Hostesses such as Ms. Sersi are all too rare!”

Wasp: “No kidding! Once we rescue her, I want to find out how she does that trick with her eyes!”

... Really.

The eyes specifically? Not the singing pig beam?

Huh. To each their own.

The ship takes off shortly after Wasp and Starfox stow aboard and the two heroes resume beating Delphan ass to try to save Sersi.

Lead Delphan: “We have the advantage in number, but they’re still making us look like idiots! We can’t let them beat us now! Have to initiate transport... while there’s still a chance!”

The ship then disappears with a FWOF!

And reappears above the mountains of Northern Greece.

Apparently, Eternal transportation is like the kind in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy because Starfox and Wasp are discombobulated and nauseated by the transport.

The Lead Delphan seizes the opportunity while the bull is hot and pulls the lever to make the ship just completely disassemble.

The Delphans take advantage of the heroes startlement to beat the shit out of Starfox in midair.

Clever. But rude.

Sometime later, Starfox comes to in Olympia to discover that he and Wasp are completely surrounded and in the shit.

Domo: “Citizens of Olympia!! At last, we all stand together... reunited with our Polar and Pacific cousins! Our destiny beckons! But before the ritual may begin, we must first deal with these two... who have intruded into the affairs of the Eternals!”

Hey, dick! They don’t come to a party you’re crashing and slap the host!

But I guess we’re going to meet all the Eternals next time.

What a fun coincidence that I’m hitting this point of the story when the Eternals movie is just a few months away.

Follow @essential-avengers​ because one day I’ll read comics about Sersi wearing a leather jacket. Like and reblog for the same reason or for different reasons.

[bywhatilove]

Mockingjay Reread (the 2nd half)/ rewatch of Mockingjay Part two Thoughts

Warning: I have ALOT of thoughts concerning Mockingjay part two

Josh Hutcherson doesn’t get NEARLY enough credit for playing hijacked Peeta. No one could have done it like he did. Same goes with Jen in how she brought the many, many character layers of Katniss alive.

and while we are on the topic of acting- I know Jen and Josh don’t really match their character’s book descriptions but, they both did SUCH a good job at bringing Katniss and Peeta alive. I truly can’t imagine anyone else playing Katniss and Peeta as far as acting goes.

UGH I could really write a whole thesis paper on the character’s differing perspectives about how far is too far when it comes to your actions in war time. That is a component of Mockingjay that is so fascinating to me.

There are so many instances in Mockingjay when you can see that Katniss really is just a seventeen year old girl who should not have been placed in this position. And, when I remember that I’m the same age that Katniss and Peeta are in Mockingjay? It makes me realize just how powerful this story really is.

Definition of heartbreak: “All I know is I would have saved myself a lot of suffering if I had just given that bread to pig” no, seriously, look heartbreak up in the dictionary, that’s the actual definition

Finnick, Johanna, Katniss and Peeta is the ot4 I deserved and I will NEVER not be bitter I didn’t get it

The shot of Katniss and Prim dancing at the wedding is so heart wrenching because you know it’s one of the last moments they ever have together.

Katniss showing her little self up after hiding on the hovercraft and trying to stay unseen while everyone stops and stares will never not be funny to me

Finnick being kind to Peeta and looking out for him while everyone else tries and avoids him will always warm my heart. They are the Brotp I deserved.

“You’re a painter. You’re a baker. You always sleep with the windows open...” excuse me while I go cry in a corner

“Clearly some alliances don’t last forever.” CEASER FLICKERMAN HOW DARE YOU. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you.

“That’s what you and I do. We keep each other alive” That line hits differently because they’ve been doing that since they were 11.

Finncik? Odair? Died? No. He’s alive and well and living with Annie and their son in four. I don’t know who just died but it definitely wasn’t my man finnick.

“Stay with me. Always.” Do I need to say anything else?

“If you end this, all those deaths, they mean something.” Peeta’s speech in Tigresses basement is the first sign that the real Peeta is back. It’s one of my favorite parts in the movie.

“If I see you again, it’s going to be a different world.” Arguably my favorite everlark moment of the entire series- either book or movie. At this point, they know it’s the end of something, rather that be the end of the capital’s regime or the end of the districts rebellion. They both know that what happens within the next couple of hours, ultimately decides their fate. And after everything they’ve been through together, this could really be the last time they see each other and they know that.

The image of the capitol children being forcibly removed from their parents, and then the parachutes drop and everyone just assumes they are gifts...it hurts.

Prim dying is something that I really don’t have any words for. This whole story started with Katniss protecting her sister from probable death. And for prim to die in the very last moments of the revolution? It’s terrible.

The fact that there were 75 victors , and only seven were still alive in the end blows my mind.

Snow’s talk with Katniss in the rose garden always gives me goosebumps.

I’ll admit it- I’m not Gale’s biggest fan. But he deserved a better ending. His and Katniss’ friendship deserved a better ending.

Headcanon- Peeta and Annie routinely check up on each other via letters and phone calls post war and Annie eventually visits district 12 with her kid and Johanna

Was it too hard to include the “let me go. I can’t” dialogue? Seriously, it would have took like three seconds

Katniss’ depression when she is locked up in the training center after killing Coin and when she returns to 12 absolutely breaks my heart. She’s only 17 and she went through so much. Katniss deserved only the best.

“The life of a victor.” Effie Trinket, I adore you.

“We’re fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction.” One of my favorite quotes from the entire series.

The Katniss and Peeta theme that always plays over their scenes together is so beautifully composed. James Newton Howard is a genius.

“You love me. Real or not Real?” “Real” maybe I cry everytime. maybe I do, and thats okay.

Katniss goes from seeking Peeta’s comfort because of nightmares to seeking his comfort because she genuinely just wants to be with him, and I think that’s beautiful.

Anytime I see anyone complain that Katniss having children/ending up with Peeta is OOC and shouldn’t have happened, I have to physically reframe myself from fighting them.

“But there are much worse games to play” is the perfect way to end the series. Suszanne Collins, you may have caused me emotional trauma, but you are a genius and I’ll forever be grateful that you created my favorite story.

As you can tell, I have a lot of thoughts/emotions when it comes to this series. Seriously, I have a lot. So if anyone ever wants to talk about it with me, don’t be afraid to reach out.

[sobriquett]

Dear Trick or Treat Author

Dear Trick or Treat Author,

[WIP: 23:50 BST 19/09/21]

What a wonderful time of year! (Or is that Yuletime? Nearly there too!)

Hello! I am very easily pleased so please take this as a starting point if you need some ideas but otherwise write what makes you happy! I know horror tropes/genre are in my dislikes but if you want to write a scary trick, you do that, yes please! Just play within the canonical world (werewolves in Milton-Northern, vampires at Thornfield, ghosts at the White House) and I'll be a happy reader (but please still stay aware from my gore-related DNWs!).

My normal ramble about what I enjoy in fic isn't really relevant to a 300+ word exchange but you can find it in past letters, click the letter tag.

That said, things missing from my main signup include these:

Loves: exploration of power imbalances Likes: epistolary

My fandoms are in alphabetical order (ish), so here we go!

1.      16th Century CE RPF

Anne Boleyn Anne of Cleves Catherine of Aragon Catherine Parr Elizabeth I of England Henry VIII of England Margaret Pole Countess of Salisbury Robert Dudley 1st Earl of Leicester Thomas Seymour (1508 – 1549)

I've been on a bit of a Philippa Gregory kick this summer reading the Cousins' War series out of order. I'd love more stories about these figures – with some of them (Henry VIII in particular!) it's pretty easy to lean into the trick side of things, but there's treat potential too. Add more characters if you want; I've been reading histories and historical novels on this period for many, many years so if you drop in Maria de Salinas or Stephen Fisher or Kat Ashley or Thomas Cromwell or anyone I'm up for that, but I am also a laidback reader and this is a low-stress exchange, don't tie yourself in knots over accuracy. (Although I would, and I'd definitely recommend Ruth Goodman's How to be a Tudor if you haven't read it, even if you're not normally a non-fiction reader.)

What if [any utterly disastrous thing] didn't happen, or perhaps was somehow worse? Did Elizabeth and Dudley actually have some happiness in a romance, however brief? How did Anne of Cleves feel to retire as the King's beloved sister? What was Margaret Pole thinking on the morning of her execution? Is Henry VIII haunted by the ghosts of some of those he killed: friends and lovers and family? Did anything actually happen between Elizabeth I and Thomas Seymour (There's historical room for a secret pregnancy in the country…)

2.      Downton Abbey

Mary Crawley Edith Crawley Sybil Crawley Matthew Crawley­ Tom Branson Robert Crawley Cora Crawley Violet Crawley Isobel Crawley Lavinia Swire Anna Bates Evelyn Napier Freda Dudley Ward Marigold Crawley George Crawley Ship: Tom Branson/Sybil Crawley

This is like my TV comfort blanket. I rewatched it this year and I am interested in just about every main character except, oddly, Thomas – who is the favourite fic character of most writers! Give me a missing moment, a look at the future, a glance at the past, a look from the outside – whatever. Any point in, before or after canon is cool with me, except I tend to skim a lot of S4 (ugh, that rape storyline, please don’t use that).

Do ghosts walk the halls of Downton Abbey? What is life like in Ireland for Tom and Sybil? Do any of the characters ever feel a moment of true despair? What if Matthew had died in the war? What does the future hold for these characters? How did Robert, Cora and Violet get on in the 1890s? What was Carson like with Mary/Edith/Sybil as children? Does it parallel his relationship with their children?

3.      The Good Place

Eleanor Shellstrop Chidi Anagonye Tahani Al-Jamil Jason Mendoza Michael Janet

This is another show I can watch over and over and over. I think Chidi's my favourite but it's hard to be sure. I can tell you I absolutely sobbed during the S3 finale and I was a wreck for the S4 finale. Tug my heartstrings, make me laugh, make me cry, I don't care! I've studied philosophy and despised it so I'll take or leave what you include on that score, I just love the characters. Please include any or all other characters you'd like, but I definitely ship Eleanor/Chidi over Chidi/Simone! Although I'll take angst in that direction too! I don't know, I feel like a kid in a candy store writing this letter: hyper and having trouble deciding between all the possible wonders!

Existential dread? Moments from their human lives? Moments from the good place? Please tell me more about the time knife. Does Michael return to the good place when he dies? Does he reunite with Janet and/or Tahani?

4.      Jane Eyre

Jane Eyre Edward Rochester Adele Varens Ship: Jane Eyre/Edward Rochester

This is my favourite classic novel, I reread it every couple of years, most recently in 2020 for Yuletide. My reading of it changes each time, and I increasingly believe that Rochester is more bad guy than good guy and that Jane Eyre lies as a narrator and is as prejudiced and superior as those she crititcises for the same qualities. But I still love her, and that she says she got a happy ending.

Is Rochester more of a villain? How? How does Adele find school, either the one Rochester sends her to, or the one Jane moves her to? Post-canon happiness? Post-canon unhappiness? A scene from the engagement? A missing moment between the non-wedding and Jane running away? What if the wedding wasn't interrupted? (Full disclosure: I'm writing this too.) Canon divergence for, well, anything? Is Adele separated from Sophie? How does that go, how does she manage?

5.      Memoirs of a Geisha

Nitta Sayuri Mameha Nobu Toshikazu Ship: Nitta Sayuri/Nobu Toshikazu Ship: Mameha/Matsunaga Tsuneyoshi | The Baron

6.      North and South

Margaret Hale John Thornton Hannah Thornton Bessy Higgins Ship: Margaret Hale/John Thornton

7.      Stardew Valley

Female Player Sebastian Shane Harvey Robin Elliott Leah Marlon Ship: Shane/Female Player Ship: Sebastian/Female Player Ship: Lewis/Marnie

Do Sebastian and the farmer go on any more bike rides? How did Lewis and Marnie’s relationship start? Are they ever found out? Why does Lewis want to keep it secret? Why is he such an arsehole to Marnie? Tales of the purple shorts. Tell me more about Harvey’s nerdy hobbies or fear of heights? What happened with Robin and Sebastian’s dad? The horrors of the mines, or the skull cavern? Is Leah frightened by the things that go bump in the night near her home? Is Elliott? Some angst or h/c around a wounded farmer, being found/nursed? Or how about some angst/horror in which... they’re not? Fics about the war with the Gotoro Empire?

8.      Star Trek: Voyager

Kathryn Janeway Chakotay Tuvok Kes Seven of Nine Naomi Wildman

I’ve been a J/C shipper since before I knew shipping was a thing (as a kid, I had all the two-parters, S5&6, and Resolutions on video. Pre-internet, how did I even know which episode Resolutions one? Shippy magic instinct, I guess?) So apart from that ship, or canonical relationships, I would prefer genfic please. I also don’t mind the other Voyager characters so they’re welcome to make an appearance, but these are the ones that interest me.

9.      The West Wing

CJ Cregg Josh Lyman Sam Seaborn Abbey Bartlet Charlie Young Donna Moss Jed Bartlet Leo McGarry Toby Ziegler Zoey Bartlet

Happy writing!

Sobriquett

[cywscross]

From @lightveils on Twitter (free to use wherever!). I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. I definitely have enough fics to fill it lol~

-0-

A Fic You Love Without Knowing The Source Material:

I was born for this by esama (Assassin’s Creed | Altair x Desmond | M)

Juno did her best to lead him to her preferred fate, but the end is coming and Desmond has doubts.

A Fic With A Premise That Shouldn’t Work But Does:

Proposing To Strangers by moonstalker24 (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | G)

At the end of a strained relationship, crime novelist Stiles chooses to hide from the world inside a bar with far too many motorcycles outside it for comfort. Here he'll meet the man of his dreams, eat food and propose marriage, all within the first five minutes.

Peter doesn't know who this kid is, but he's cute and looks like he could use a break. So he feeds him. He's not expecting a marriage proposal, but with what comes after, he doesn't really mind.

A Fic You’ve Reread Several Times:

Hooverville by twothumbsandnostakeincanon (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | E)

Town to town, train to train, tent to tent.

By 1932, the dust had begun to blow and the jobs were gone.

Anonymity was a byproduct of looking for work, which made it both necessary and convenient.

Stiles had enough secrets of his own to know to look the other way when he saw something that shouldn’t be possible.

The ghost of a tail giving enough balance to disembark a moving train.

Near silent Latin whispered on the edge of a tent encampment.

A flash of burning eyes.

He had more than enough to worry about without adding the oddities of others, and besides- having unusually sharp teeth certainly didn’t make a man worse than the ones running from the wife and kids they couldn’t feed.

So Stiles kept his observations to himself. He kept his everything to himself.

Until he met a man. One with eyes so blue they seemed to glow- and then they did.

Stiles tried to look away, but for the first time he was stopped.

“Don’t be like that sweetheart. Aren’t you curious?”

A Fic You Still Remember Many Years Later:

All True-Hearted Souls by mardia (Temeraire | Laurence x Granby | G)

“For God's sake, if someone doesn't talk Laurence out of these constant heroics, I wouldn't bet a farthing on his chances; no, and not ours either.” Four times that John Granby helped save William Laurence's life. Laurence/Granby. Spoilers up to Empire of Ivory.

A Comfort Fic:

Nothing Improper by Bunnywest (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | G)

“How long since someone touched you, sweet boy?” Peter asks, his voice barely a breath in Stiles’ ear. “Days? Weeks? Months?” Stiles nods imperceptibly at that last one.

“After…after everything, after Allison,” is all Stiles manages to get out.

A Cathartic Fic:

Swing by ShippersList (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

Stiles wants to fly.

A Fic You’d Print And Put On Your Bookshelf:

Nose to the Wind by Batsutousai (HP | Tom x Harry | M)

While Harry had been content with his second chance, that didn't keep him from thinking what he could have done different, how many people could have survived if he hadn't been set on the very specific path he'd walked. Third time is the charm, though, right?

A Fic You Associate With A Song (x2):

Strange Duet by BelleAmante, thiliart (thilia) (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | M)

The past three years have been a series of shocking, or not so shocking, successes for 2018 Tony award winner and two time Grammy nominee, Stiles Stilinski. You don’t typically find classically trained opera singers singing alternative folk rock to crowds at Coachella. Nor do you find indie singer/songwriters winning best actor awards at the Tony’s for their Broadway debuts. Stilinski has made it his lifetime habit to defy and exceed all expectations.

-or-

A Steter fic loosely based on Phantom of the Opera

~

Full Circle by Nike Femme (FMA | Roy x Ed | T)

Edward Elric returns with amnesia. He has lived the past four years as Auric, a Gatekeeper. But there are some battles that only he can fight. Will his friends be able to awaken Ed, and what happens to Auric if they do?

A Fic That Inspires You:

Off the Line by esama (FFVII | Cloud x Vincent | T)

In which Cloud gets a Virtual Reality Dream Console – ShinRa's latest in virtual reality technology. Aaand everything pretty much goes downhill from there.

A Fic That Brought You On Board A New Ship:

Me and Mine by linndechir (Fast and the Furious | Deckard x Owen | E)

The last time they'd spoken, Deckard had told Owen that he was tired of cleaning up his messes. But the first thing he did after breaking out of prison was to take Owen to the other end of the world so they could lick their wounds and start planning their revenge.

A Fic You Wish Could Be A Movie:

Moving In (To Every Single Aspect of Danny’s Life, Including the Boring Bits like Dry-Cleaning) by westgirl (Hawaii Five-0 | Steve x Danny | T)

It felt wrong for Steve to sound unsure of his place in Danny’s life. His place in Danny’s life was at Danny’s side, driving him slowly insane. Steve should feel secure about that.

A Fic That Led To You Making Friends With The Author:

Begin and End by Rikkamaru (Log Horizon x HP | G)

This is how it begins: a boy rejected by his family, a boy reunited with his brother by his sister-in-law's intervention. A boy who found a family in an online game. But how will it end?

FREE SPACE:

Reverti Ad Praeteritum by Batsutousai (Fullmetal Alchemist | Roy x Edward | M)

Unwillingly forced to serve as a human trial for a crazy alchemist experimenting with time travel, Edward Elric finds himself standing across from Truth in the moment it takes his leg from him. Armed with the knowledge of what's to come and burdened with guilt for the choices he'd made as an adult, Ed sets out to fix every mistake he ever made and save every life they ever lost, no matter what it takes.

A Fic You’ve Gushed About IRL:

Designation: Miracle by umisabaku (Kuroko no Basket | M)

It's been three years since seven human experiments, called "Miracles," escaped Teiko Industries, alerting the world to the presence of super-powered children. Now they're finally integrating into society-- going to normal high schools, playing basketball, falling in love-- and trying to find out if it's possible to truly escape their past.

A Fic You Associate With A Place (have to self-rec for this one):

Safe Harbour by cywscross (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles x Chris | T)

Peter didn't think he'd find a home here. He certainly didn't think he'd find a home with two other men.

Chris and Stiles prove him wrong.

A Fic That Made You Gasp Out Loud (kind of? it was suspenseful):

Sanctuary by DiscontentedWinter (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | E)

The Hale Wolf Sanctuary isn’t just for wolves.

It turns out it’s for Stilinskis as well.

A Fic You Found At The Right Time:

slow increments by Areiton (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles)

Peter is enigmatic, egotistical, sometimes barely sane. He's sharp and cutting and takes more time to care for the pack than anyone.And sometimes, John catches him watching Stiles.

A Fic That You Would Read Fic Of:

if you try to break me, you will bleed by Dialux (Game of Thrones | Jon x Sansa | T)

It had been a slash across her chest from a White Walker’s sword that finally ended her life. Sansa’d landed in a puddle of her own blood, and she’d died quickly, quietly.

And then she’d awoken with a gasp, trembling, in a bed that had burned under Theon’s betrayal.

A Fic That Made You Laugh Out Loud:

The Path towards Unwilling Godhood by Sky_King (Bleach | Kisuke x Ichigo | G)

Ichigo has never had the most normal life, and this latest chapter of it is no different.

"I'm not a god!"

A Fic With A Line (Or Two) That You’ve Memorized By Heart:

Atlas by distractedKat (Star Trek | Spock x Jim | T)

Between what was and what will be stands James Tiberius Kirk, in all his fractured patchwork glory. Because saving the Federation was only the beginning.

A Fic That Gave You Butterflies:

The Rest of Our Lives by mia6363 (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

“I don’t know, as a kid I watched a lot of movies, you know? And at first I figured like… I’d be on some great adventure that would take me away from it all, you know? Like Indiana Jones comes around and is all, ‘Hey Stiles, buddy, come with me we’ve got to go save the world.’ Then… you and… everything happened… then I just… I figured I’d die before I was eighteen.”

A Fic That Embodies Something You Value In Life:

The Boy Sleuth by Shey (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

Stiles is eight when he discovers a box of his mom’s old Nancy Drew Mysteries in the back of the guest bedroom closet.

A Favourite AU:

Love What is Behind You by KouriArashi (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | M)

Basically what it says on the label. Hunger Games type fusion. Stiles doing way better than anyone anticipates. Peter finds him intriguing. Ruthless, devious assholes working together to ruin bad guys, as the Steter ship is meant to be.

A Fic You Stayed Up Too Late To Finish Reading:

Of Dwobbits, Dragons and Dwarves by ISeeFire (The Hobbit | Fem!Bilbo x Fili | T)

Bilba has been a slave her entire life. All she knows of the outside world is what she sees from time to time outside the gates of Moria and the stories her mother used to tell her. Stories of a place called the Shire where her mother once lived and a placed called Erebor where, as far as she knows, her father still lives. Stories of dragons a thousand times larger, and more intelligent, than the beasts the orcs rode and of a strange concept called freedom where one was allowed to live as they wished with no one to tell them what they could, or could not do.

The stories meant little to Bilba. The only future she had was to live, and die, as a slave as countless number had before her.

And then the orcs dragged an injured female firedrake through the gates, her rider screaming obscenities behind her as he fought to reach her side...and everything changed.

A Fic That Made You Feel Seen (another self-rec lol):

i am addicted to death (so remind me what it’s like to live) by cywscross (Teen Wolf | Peter x Stiles | T)

Stiles is sixteen years old. He has already died seventy-eight times.

[bemused-writer]

Analysis of Subaru, Kamui, and Subaru/Kamui

Ever since I first read X/1999 I was of the Subaru/Kamui persuasion. The two have each suffered a great deal and went out of their way to support one another; every single scene they have is of them doing just that as best they can. And since I have returned to my X/1999 obsession with a vengeance, I figure it’s time to take a look at this ship–and the characters themselves–with everything I got. Technically, this is not a “confirmed” ship. Technically, there are a lot of unconfirmed or implied ships floating around X/1999. I figure that's on account of CLAMP’s multishipping tendencies. Anyhow…

Before we get into this, I won't be taking Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles into account for two reasons: 1) It is an AU and therefore is supposed to give us an alternative look at the characters and 2) If I start including the plotlines of Tsubasa we will never finish this review. X/1999 is already plenty long. 8D I might do a separate post about their interactions in Tsubasa once I reread that manga, though.

With that out of the way, let’s take a look. One of the most obvious things people have to say about these two is that they’re reflections of each other. They’ve been through similar experiences and similar traumas. Their reactions to those experiences are quite different, however, and goes a long way towards explaining why they take separate paths later in the series. Let’s start with their first meeting.

When Subaru first meets Kamui, it’s literally at the worst phase of Kamui’s life. His best friend, Fuuma, has just had his brain washed thanks to fate (!) and the woman he loved, Kotori, was murdered by said best friend right before his eyes. As if all that wasn’t bad enough, he was nearly killed by Fuuma as well, which took on a weird, sexual vibe, which becomes pretty consistent on Fuuma’s part throughout the series.

All of this is extremely similar to what Subaru endured at Seishirou’s hands in Tokyo Babylon years earlier (although the sexual component with Seishirou is toned down quite a bit in comparison). There are some notable differences in circumstance, however, and these circumstances are important to understanding the fundamental differences between Subaru and Kamui themselves. As Subaru says, their pain isn’t the same.

The most pertinent difference between the two is the cause that led them into a coma in the first place and what ultimately brought them out of it. For Subaru, the betrayal and abuse at the hands of the man he loved is what sent him into a coma while the death of his sister, the other person he loved most, is what brought him out of it. In other words, traumatic shock put him into a coma and traumatic shock forced him out of it. There wasn't a single moment that wasn't painful.

For Kamui, it’s quite different. The death of the woman he loved along with the betrayal and abuse at the hands of his best friend is what sent him into the coma. It was doubly traumatic because Kamui lost everything all at once. This is a big part of why Sorata was so worried Kamui would never wake up; he literally had nothing tying him to reality. The only two people he'd ever had a significant bond with were both gone in one fell swoop. The only reason he emerged from this is, of course, because of Subaru’s intervention.

Perhaps the only reason Kamui is even slightly well-adjusted is thanks to the much gentler wake-up call he had in comparison to Subaru. Frankly, after Hokuto died, Subaru didn't have anyone for nine years. It's no wonder he dwelled on nothing but Seishirou, barely managed his duties as head of the Sumeragi clan, and developed a suicidal wish to keep him going.

Kamui has Subaru, so he managed to avoid a lot of that. He's still obsessed with Fuuma, but he has other things to occupy his time with.

Some other differences in Subaru and Kamui's backstory to keep in mind: Seishirou was acting like a good guy in Tokyo Babylon. Fate had absolutely nothing to do with his transformation into a bad guy; that's just how he is. Fuuma actually was a good person who had the good persona wiped away and replaced with ... his fated personality, I suppose. I think this explains some of Kamui's stubbornness when it comes to rescuing Fuuma; he knows fate isn't fair and Fuuma was a victim of it.

Subaru has no such delusions. He knows Seishirou was playing him for a fool and he knows he has no regrets about it. It's why his wish isn't to fix Seishirou; it's merely to die at his hands, so he can finally let go of the whole thing.

And Subaru does his best to keep himself at a distance from his fellow Dragons of Heaven for the sake of this endeavor. He doesn't really befriend any of them or spend any real amount of time with them; he knows his wish will bring nothing but pain to anyone that cares for him, so he tries to avoid those attachments. I suspect we wouldn't have heard much from Subaru in this series if he hadn't become unexpectedly attached to Kamui himself.

So, let's get back to their first meeting. Kamui is in a coma and Subaru delves into his memories in order to help him. This isn't the first time Subaru has done this, and there are a few parallels to his previous case to consider with this one.

In volume 2 of Tokyo Babylon, Subaru has to help a woman, Mitsuki, that he once knew that had fallen into a coma after being sexually assaulted. It's implied this is the first time Subaru has entered someone's mind to help them, and he comments it will be easier if she remembers him at least a little. He'd been dreaming of her earlier that very day.

Now, not only does Mitsuki remember him, it's revealed that she's harbored a crush on him since they were children. It's never made very clear whether or not Subaru returns those feelings, although there are some jokes from Seishirou that she is his rival in love. Regardless, Subaru saves a woman that considers him special and only emerges from her coma thanks to Subaru's kind words.

So, when Subaru enters Kamui’s mind, he knows it will be dangerous. Kamui doesn’t know him at all; there isn’t any kind of attachment to make this easier. But the end result is very similar to what we see in Tokyo Babylon: Kamui emerges both because of Subaru’s kind words, but also because he’s found someone that understands the pain he’s been through to some degree. Both Mitsuki and Kamui reverted to childhood in their sorrow as well, a time where things were much simpler and the world easier to understand.

There’s no doubt that Kamui considers Subaru special after this. How could he not? And if we compare Kamui’s case directly with Mitsuki’s there’s at least the implication he may grow to care for Subaru in a similar fashion to Mitsuki. CLAMP went out of there way to draw as many comparisons between Subaru’s past and Kamui’s present as they could within this series, so I think it’s fair to make this assumption.

It's also notable that Subaru's own feelings on the matter are harder to read in both situations. Did he have feelings for Mitsuki or was she simply a treasured friend from his past? Her words had haunted him for years at that point, so her opinion definitely mattered. Likewise, it's harder for us to tell what he thinks about Kamui. We can tell there's a deep bond and affection there, but it's not quite as straightforward.

The hug is actually quite important here. They held one another in the dreamscape and then continued to in reality. This is interesting because neither Subaru nor Kamui are physically affectionate people. Subaru only ever hugged his sister and maintains a kind of no-contact rule with people in general. He never initiated physical contact with Seishirou throughout Tokyo Babylon and definitely doesn't in X/1999. He doesn't go out of his way to pat his fellow Dragons of Heaven on the back the way Sorata does. The only exception is Kamui.

As for Kamui, he just … isn’t affectionate. 8D You’ll recall how crabby he was at the beginning of X/1999. He was pushing everyone away in a misguided attempt at protecting them. Then, one of the only notable times he initiated physical contact was when he held Kotori in his arms and cupped Fuuma’s cheek for the last time, and that was when he was incredibly distressed and finally willing to admit how much he cared about them both.

These are two people he’s known and trusted his whole life, so it makes sense he would allow some physical contact between them. Consider how he reacts to Sorata, Keiichi, evil!Fuuma, and pretty much anyone else that tries to initiate physical contact: it’s met with either confusion, overt hostility, or acceptance without reciprocation. Honestly, Sorata’s gotten all three of these reactions… 8D

The one exception is Subaru, who he not only accepts physical contact from, but will also initiate. So, the two of them are relatively similar in how they approach this, which is something we'll see throughout this review.

While Subaru was in Kamui’s dreamscape, they discuss several important things, such as the fact Kamui is trying to escape reality and the fact nothing will change or improve if he remains in the coma. He also explains his relationship with Seishirou and how things became much worse when he refused to leave the confines of his own mind.

But there’s a small detail CLAMP drops that I always found interesting.

This isn’t meant to show Kamui as naive. On the contrary, this is actually pretty wise and gets back to Subaru’s Shinto roots. Subaru is an onmyoji, a follower of onmyodo, which is a mix of Chinese philosophy (the five elements, yin-yang theory, etc.), Buddhism, and has elements of Japanese philosophy, i.e. Shintoism.

In Shinto, things really do have lives, and they deserve respect. It's yet another demonstration of how the Sakurazukamori are the opposite of the Sumeragi; they use these basic ideals and corrupt them. Things aren’t important, and neither are people.

So, in one fell swoop, Kamui has reminded Subaru of his own philosophy and demonstrated a fundamental difference between his worldview and Seishirou’s. Kamui is approaching things from a similar place Subaru would have when he was younger (it’s hard to say how much faith Subaru has in his own practice at this point; he’s pretty jaded).

Ultimately, Subaru asks Kamui several questions that give insight into both of their mindsets while they're in the dreamscape: If his [Fuuma’s] true self is restored, are you willing to tell him you killed Kotori? Even if it means he’ll hate you? Even if you must shoulder the blame for the rest of your life? Even if no one else will understand what you wished for and the reasons why?

It’s a pretty serious line of questioning because, in all honesty, what Kamui wants is dangerous. There’s no guarantee he can ever have it, and if he does attain his wish, no one will be spared the repercussions of it, least of all himself. In contrast, Subaru’s wish is a lot less destructive for the world as a whole, but he’s still hurting the people who care about him with it. Still, a lot of these questions are probably the same ones Subaru has had to ask himself over and over again. He knows no one will understand his own wish, that he will have to shoulder the blame for it, and that some could even hate him for valuing himself so little. He's making absolutely sure that Kamui understands the repercussions.

The thing is, while Kamui is willing to shoulder all the potential problems that might arise when Fuuma is restored, he's not at all prepared to think about whether this wish is what he actually wants or if it's even worth all the other problems that will arise from it. Subaru doesn't bring any of that up likely because he's never had to think of the whole planet with his wish. This is outside his own experience. He's doing his best for Kamui, but there are some things he simply won't understand. It's why he pointed out that his pain and Kamui's pain are different; there are some things they won't understand about each other, even with these similarities.

Our next important scene with Subaru and Kamui takes on a much less dramatic tone, which is probably for the best; there’s very little chill time in this series. 8D

Kamui has enrolled in high school due to its location being where the sword will be hidden until he has need of it. He visits Kotori’s grave, which is nearby, and then goes to study with Subaru, though a fellow classmate, Keiichi, had been trying to gain his attention.

For one brief, shining moment, it’s as if we’re in a completely different series where the world isn’t about to end…

But the first thing that’s interesting about this is that it means they must be conversing off screen if they’re making plans to meet up, which is a theme that becomes very common with these two. Unlike the bulk of the Dragons of Heaven, Subaru doesn't live in the same dormitory as Kamui, so they’d have to figure out some way of meeting up. I would have liked to see some of that planning and how often they meet up to study, but CLAMP leaves all that to the imagination.

At any rate, Subaru has enrolled in the college and Kamui is worried he will get in trouble for skipping class to help him.

There’s a lot that's wrong with this. First of all, Subaru is only enrolled in college because it’s a good way of tracking down Seishirou, which Kamui swiftly picks up on. This is incredibly sad because throughout Tokyo Babylon, Subaru had been trying very hard to graduate from high school so that he could then go to college and become a zookeeper. This complete lack of interest in college or anything he once cared about is constantly present and goes a long way towards explaining why Subaru cracks as the series progresses.

Kamui is always very quick to figure out when Subaru is thinking about the Sakurazukamori even though, outside of their first meeting, he never directly brings him up of his own accord. There isn’t a single time when Kamui looks happy about it either. The sheer frequency with which Kamui brings up the Sakurazukamori makes me think he’s constantly looking for confirmation that that man really is the only person Subaru cares about, as if Kamui is hoping one day he’ll give a different response.

At any rate, what Kamui is really taking issue with here is Subaru’s smoking and his attachment to the Sakurazukamori. Subaru says he smokes because it makes him more powerful (which is such… a lie? Does he think anyone would actually believe that?) to which Kamui has this as a response:

Kamui appears sad and disappointed at the answer because it is a disappointing answer (and a lie, but I digress) and Subaru looks surprised because… I think he was actually worried Kamui thought he would be ineffective as a Dragon of Heaven due to the smoking, that it would hinder him in battle. The fact Kamui is worried about his health didn’t even cross his mind.

Their exact exchange was this:

Kamui: But… don’t you worry that it’ll–

Subaru: It’s fine. Some people find that smoking weakens their powers, but for me it has the opposite effect.

He doesn’t let Kamui finish his sentence and immediately comes across as a little defensive about the whole thing. So, yeah, Subaru didn’t think Kamui would care because he cares about Subaru. He thought Kamui only cared as the Kamui, his leader. Realizing he was mistaken changes the rest of their dynamic for the duration of their study session. Subaru snuffs out the cigarette and resumes where they’d left off.

We don’t actually get to see the rest of the study session, though it's implied it goes on for a while. Keiichi interrupts things at some point because he is determined to hangout with Kamui. His reaction to Subaru is both amusing and kind of telling.

Keiichi’s repeated apologies to Subaru for interrupting and stealing Kamui away followed up by his comment that Subaru is good-looking to Kamui really makes it sound like he thought he was interrupting a date and/or that he thinks Kamui is interested in Subaru. Especially after he turns it all around by telling Kamui that he's really good looking as well and, as if that wasn’t enough, invites him to his house and offers to tutor him.

Uh… I’m just going to say it. Keiichi has never been subtle in regards to his massive crush on Kamui and he clearly thinks he’s stealing Kamui away from a potential love interest. 8D

My goodness. XD I really don’t think Kamui picked up on any of that dynamic. He just thinks Keiichi is friendly and kind of weird. It’s like Kamui has developed Sakura syndrome and Keiichi is Tomoyo.

As for Kamui, we get an idea of how he views Subaru thanks to this exchange and it's pretty interesting. It also explains pretty much every single one of Kamui's reactions to Subaru and why their interactions go the way they do.

There’s definitely a lot of fondness there. He agrees that Subaru is good looking and we get an actual image of how he sees him: someone who is ethereal, almost untouchable with a very literal barrier (of water from the dreamscape), but he's willing to reach out and bring Kamui to his level. He absolutely views Subaru as a savior because that’s precisely what Subaru did for him. That’s a pretty complicated relationship, quite a bit more complicated than Keiichi is thinking, that’s for sure.

As for Subaru, he resumes his smoking as soon as Kamui is out of sight. I think Kamui suspected that’s why he wanted to stay behind because he looks contemplative when Subaru says he isn’t coming with. Even Keiichi seems surprised. Maybe that’s why he thought he had a chance with Kamui? (Also, Keiichi and Kamui’s interactions kind of deserve their own analysis because he’s Kamui’s one tie to normalcy and Keiichi has a profound attachment to Kamui the second they meet.)

Even so, Kamui's words about smoking being bad for him sticks with Subaru and you can tell he's conflicted about it. He keeps the cigarettes close, but there's less certainty about it than there was earlier in their conversation.

This part in particular is up for interpretation since there’s no dialogue, but to me it reads as Subaru being unable to let Seishirou go, but possibly wishing he were capable of it. He knows his wish will hurt people, and Subaru has never been content with that. This scene also makes me think of Subaru's one-shot chapter, where a woman says only a person with an ill heart can go around thinking only of one person. Subaru knows smoking is bad for him, but he's also already accepted he's "ill."

I’m a little unclear on how much time has passed, but the next time Kamui and Subaru see each other, it’s after Kamui is returning home from Keiichi’s house. He’s attacked by Fuuma and Subaru rushes in to save him.

Subaru legitimately came out of nowhere in this scene. Where was he before? How'd he get there so quickly? I know that the Dragons of Heaven can sense when a kekkai is raised, but Kamui can't raise one, so... I honestly can't remember, can the Dragons of Heaven just sense when Kamui is in danger? Because if not, I really don't know how Subaru knew to be exactly where he was needed.

Regardless, the battle between Fuuma and Kamui was going about as well as it usually does, which is to say absolutely terribly. Subaru gets a kekkai raised, and we actually get to see him use his onmyoji abilities in earnest against Nataku. You have no idea how much I wish we'd gotten to see infinitely more of this.

Unfortunately, Subaru ultimately loses once Fuuma joins the fray, but that’s because Fuuma is, frankly, an OP villain. I have never understood why the villains are so much more powerful than the good guys in this series. That’s just bad game design.

So, Subaru actually manages to capture Fuuma in a kekkai. I’m a little unclear on what the end goal of this was going to be. Annihilating him? Trapping him for good? But we don’t get to find out because Subaru gets lost in visions of Seishirou, the man he wants to kill him. To add insult to injury, Fuuma attacks him the same way Seishirou did when he was 16 and blinds his eye, saying it’s “his wish.” Ever notice Fuuma only seems to grant the really messed up wishes? He doesn’t have to grant all of these. He could focus on some nice ones for a change. Sheesh…

More importantly (as far as this review goes), Kamui is once again in the same situation Subaru was when he was 16. He is being protected by someone who loses their eye and he was powerless to stop it, just as Subaru was all those years ago. The main difference is that back then, Subaru was purposefully allowing someone to take their anger out on him and Seishirou got in the way. Kamui was forcibly restrained from the battle and had no choice but to witness events. It also shows the difference in their personality: Subaru isn't predisposed to fighting and is more than willing to be hurt if it helps another while Kamui is perfectly all right with fighting, he just doesn't want to hurt the other Kamui because it will hurt Fuuma.

There are some other differences as well. When Seishirou’s eye was gouged out he kind of just… walked into the ER? 8D Didn’t comfort Subaru, just casually stopped the woman from attacking him and walked away. So, Subaru’s distress levels were through the roof.

Kamui’s distress levels are also ridiculously high, but once again, Subaru is far more compassionate than Seishirou and I’m sure Subaru can see the parallels here. He knows exactly what Kamui’s going through, and he doesn’t want Kamui beating himself up the way he did to himself all those years ago. He actually stops the gurney in an effort to comfort him.

It definitely helps, but sometimes Subaru is a little too honest with Kamui. He tells him this was his “wish.” Needless to say, that doesn’t exactly ease Kamui’s mind because it raises a lot of questions about Subaru's mental state he probably hadn't even been considering before.

What follows is the most clear cut parallel we’ve ever had between Subaru and Kamui. Subaru’s despair at possibly losing Seishirou when he was 16 is nearly identical to Kamui’s despair at nearly losing Subaru in the present. CLAMP is not doing this accidentally.

This, almost more than anything else, makes me believe that Kamui has feelings for Subaru because there’s not really a reason to include this parallel otherwise. In Tokyo Babylon, after Seishirou lost his eye, Subaru realized he was in love with him. It wasn't right away, but that was the incident that sparked the whole thing.

After Subaru loses his eye, Kamui stays by his side as much as possible. Kamui is never shown to have a sudden revelation he’s in love, but this is where the differences between Subaru and Kamui really become important.

Back then, Subaru was terrified of Seishirou hating him after the eye incident, and I think a lot of that comes down to the fact that Seishirou was trying to win a bet. He proclaimed his love to Subaru all the time, but he was also mysterious and decidedly standoffish. Subaru had a difficult time reading him, therefore he couldn’t predict what Seishirou would think of him afterwards.

Subaru also has a fundamentally different personality to Kamui; he had no awareness of his own feelings toward Seishirou until his sister made him think about it and a stranger said it sounded like he really loved this individual.

Whether Kamui is worried Subaru will hate him is a little unclear, but we do know that one of Kamui’s biggest opinions of Subaru is that he’s very kind. We also know he admires him as the man that saved him and saw him at his worst already. Subaru is always honest and very open with Kamui; there isn’t any additional layer of confusion in this regard (there is confusion about other things, though). The only thing Kamui fears right now is Subaru dying in this situation. He also feels massive guilt for being incapable of helping him. Kamui is taking the blame for this.

Another difference is that Kamui doesn’t have anyone deliberately trying to get him to think about his feelings for Subaru, but I think Kamui is more predisposed to falling for people in general? Or at least more capable of realizing when he has. He loved Kotori and never seemed to be in denial about it from what I can tell. It wasn’t declared in a straightforward manner in the manga, but the series made it apparent enough through other things. Kotori is considered his canonical love interest for this very reason. And I think that’s more or less what we ought to expect in regards to Kamui’s feelings toward Subaru. There isn’t going to be a big revelation; it will simply be.

And part of that quiet revelation is how attached he continues to be to Subaru after this incident.

Subaru is overtly worried about Kamui, probably because he knows how worked up he was over Seishirou himself when it happened, but also because he thinks Kamui hasn't slept. "It's harder for him to bear the wounds to his heart than the wounds to his body." Subaru definitely understands Kamui's pain all too well and he knows that while this particular incident is his own fault, Kamui is the one who will shoulder the blame, just as he did all those years ago.

It's interesting that Kamui asks for permission to visit him again. It definitely implies that maybe he actually is a little worried Subaru doesn't want him around, that he's sending him away because he's upset with him.

Kamui looks quite distressed at first, but one look from Subaru and he knows Subaru isn’t upset with him; he's worried about him.

These two tend to be very quiet around each other as soon as other people are in the room, and both Sorata and Arashi are right there. As soon as they’re alone, they engage in far more intimate conversation. Yet, they appear to be pretty good at silent communication as well and a lot is exchanged in the above panels.

Even if Subaru has forgiven him, Kamui is still plagued by what happened (understandably). He compares it to his failure to save Kotori. Two important people to him are hurt/killed because he couldn’t fight against Fuuma. It’s a powerful dilemma and a powerful comparison.

Still, after a conversation with Sorata, a visit to Kotori's grave, and a conversation with Keiichi, Kamui has renewed hope. He can do something against Fuuma: he can protect the people he cares about. This renews Kamui's determination to learn how to create a kekkai, a plot point that is never actually finished... I honestly wonder if would have learned to create one? And what would have sparked that?

We get a little insight into what Subaru is thinking about events, though. It's about as depressing as you'd expect with the trajectory of this series.

Subaru has a selfish wish. He knows that wish will hurt everyone that knows him and now there are quite a few people who care about him, something he'd been trying to avoid.

Yuzuriha is entirely correct in her analysis here, though for more reasons than she might realize. She's essentially saying that both Kamui and Subaru look down on themselves and try to solve things on their own. It's why she makes them promise to call on her if they need help. But she's also correct in another way: they both have selfish wishes and they're hurting everyone around them for the sake of those wishes. Subaru is hurting people on an emotional level by pursuing death, while Kamui is inadvertently getting people injured and killed for the sake of rescuing Fuuma. The message is clear: if these two could let go of their one "wish" they could finally move on to other possibilities and would be far more effective at saving the world. It's a cruel irony that CLAMP made their kindest character and their hero the most emotionally compromised and the most inadvertently selfish. It's also a little unfortunate that kindness and hope seem to get trampled on so much in this series, but that's a whole separate issue.

Yuzuriha also leaves Subaru with a parting gift and, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she reminds him of his sister just a bit.

The cherry blossoms definitely bring Seishirou to mind as well as Subaru's wish for death, but it also makes me think of Hokuto as well, especially the rabbit plush. It just seems like something she would do. Regardless, Subaru still hasn't moved on.

Kamui engages in yet another battle with Fuuma, which actually goes worse than the last one. Sorata and Arashi aren't as timely as Subaru had been (Dragons of Heaven must simply be able to sense when Kamui is in trouble because they also were no where nearby. Alternatively, Hinoto is just telling them stuff). Fuuma is saying something about eating Kamui's heart. We could put this down as him being a general creep, but there's usually a double meaning with him. Perhaps one of Kamui's wishes is that he just didn't feel anything at all...?

All of this eventually brings us to our next Kamui and Subaru scene. This one has a very quiet, intimate vibe to it, probably on account of it not taking place in a hospital but what I think is Kamui's room?

Kamui has some pretty serious injuries this time around, and we learn that Subaru stayed with him the entire time, just as Kamui did for him at the hospital.

Actually, these two seem a lot closer than they did previously. Is it simply because of Subaru losing his eye? Did that open up a new level of compassion between one another? Was there more off-screen development? My guess is it’s mostly the former, but the latter is a distinct possibility with the way things have been going.

What is plain is that these two are always supporting each other in times of crisis. Not always physically, but emotionally. Subaru in particular is always there to counsel Kamui on whatever issue he wants to discuss while Kamui reminds Subaru that people actually do care about him and Kamui is one of those people.

“And yet, despite all that, I still can’t abandon Fuuma.”

Honestly, I think even Kamui is beginning to wonder if his wish is really worth it. He’s losing all the people he cares about in this pursuit. I genuinely think if Subaru had told him to rethink things here, he might have, because he trusts him and his wish has gotten him absolutely nothing so far.

Unfortunately, Subaru isn’t exactly in a great place to be telling people they need to rethink their life choices, so he doesn’t. Instead, he tries to be encouraging, which is both kind and misguided.

This is a level of emotional and physical intimacy that we just don’t see between any of the nonromantic relationships in this series. It’s actually more touch focused than a great deal of Arashi and Sorata’s interactions and those two actually have a very close emotional connection that develops into a sexual relationship later on in the series, so I have a hard time believing I’m supposed to read this scene as entirely platonic.

But what Subaru is saying is important, even if I think it’s a philosophy that manages to get both him and Kamui into trouble. “Happiness” is basically satisfaction or completion in this context. It’s not necessarily joy. Subaru is essentially telling Kamui that, yes, his wish may be selfish but it’s his. If it is the only thing that can satisfy him, he must pursue it.

Kamui makes no further comment on his own wish; he’s latched onto Subaru’s once more and is bringing Seishirou up yet again. Subaru appears surprised, perhaps because Kamui saw right through him or perhaps because Kamui’s interest in the subject has been so pointed, but he says “yes.”

I really do think Kamui was looking for something from Subaru here that he didn’t quite get. I genuinely believe he’s trying to get confirmation on whether his path is correct or not, but Subaru doesn’t really give him an answer. When that doesn't work, he tries to figure out if Seishirou is really the only thing that can bring Subaru satisfaction, which reveals this is yet another thing that's been on his mind.

That is not acceptance or understanding on Kamui’s face. That is something a little closer to sadness, disappointment, or possibly even anger. He is not pleased with this answer.

There are a lot of layers happening with this conversation and a lot of insinuations, but none of it is ever just laid out for us to see. What seems relatively straightforward to me is that Kamui wishes Subaru would let Seishirou go. He isn’t content with Seishirou being the answer to Subaru’s wish, but he also can’t bring himself to criticize it either. After all, that would be pretty hypocritical; Kamui can’t selfishly pursue his own wish while simultaneously asking Subaru to give up his own for Kamui, but I think there’s a part of Kamui that genuinely wants that to happen.

It also reveals that Kamui does have doubts about the path he's chosen. He never says it outright--he's always vocally determined to save Fuuma--but he's looking to Subaru for guidance on this issue. Not anyone else. Subaru.

So no, Kamui can't reveal that he's unsure about his wish; it's what bonded him and Subaru in the first place. Likewise, he can't ask Subaru to rethink his own wish. What really needs to happen for these two is for them both to give up their current wish to pursue … whatever this is. I’ve talked a lot about Kamui’s feelings for Subaru, but Subaru definitely holds affection for Kamui as well. There would be no reason to hold his hand that way otherwise. And there’s no way Subaru isn’t aware of the parallels; he is definitely occupying a similar role to Seishirou in Tokyo Babylon, that odd mix of mentor and potential love interest. The obvious difference being that Subaru isn’t a psychopathic killer.

Anyway, Sorata and Arashi once again interrupt their odd bonding moment and it’s incredible how swiftly the mood in the room changes. Subaru physically moves away from Kamui, stands at a more respectable distance, and Kamui turns his attention to everyone else. It definitely feels like they aren’t trying to advertise their emotional connection or their problems. Kamui becomes the leader and Subaru becomes another Dragon of Heaven.

Subaru eventually returns to his side when Kamui enters a dream state with Hinoto while the others are there, but he doesn’t say anything further. It’s interesting that Sorata has no issue with hugging Kamui or putting an arm around him when others are around, but Subaru does. Of course, Sorata is simply more demonstrative than Subaru on any given day, but it does feel like quite a stark contrast.

It looks like several days go by between that visit and their next one. Kamui is mostly recovered and heading back to school.

This is so subtle it’s very easy to miss–I did the first couple of times–but Kamui just finished buttoning up his shirt here. He is not inspecting his scars like I initially thought.

How long has Subaru been there? They’re pretty obviously in the middle of a conversation; he didn’t just arrive. It kind of suggests Kamui just… got dressed in front of him, which is definitely a shift. Their general attitudes towards each other are quite different from before as well. The opening panel above shows both of them as seeming more confident than before.

I’m not sure I believe anything untoward happened between them because that would be a pretty drastic shift in dynamics, but if there ever was a point in this series where something more physically intimate occurred (not necessarily anything sexual mind you), it's probably the unseen precursor to this scene. It's CLAMP, so... I guess what I'm saying is that I sometimes just don't know with them. XD

Regardless, all of this reveals, however subtly, a side to their relationship that doesn’t get a whole lot of focus. Namely, all that off-screen bonding I was talking about earlier.

Some of their comfort level is no doubt from the situation being less bleak in general of course. That usually helps.

And then there’s all of this:

Kamui's left arm is giving him a lot more trouble than his right. That explains why he was buttoning up his shirt with just the one previously. But he appears thoughtful, maybe a bit sad, as Subaru helps him with his tie. A lot of that has to do with him not knowing where Yuzuriha is–she could be in grave danger–but I also think some of it has to do with Subaru and Kamui’s feelings toward him. I think it’s safe to say things have entered “complicated” territory. They have a relationship that's incredibly close, but no matter how close Kamui gets to him, there's always a barrier there.

There's also the fact that Kamui always feels guilty when he's incapable of something, so even something as simple as needing help with his tie could be causing him some distress.

So much of what goes on between these two is unspoken. Subaru helping him with his tie is something that doesn’t have to be romantic, but it is a frequently used trope used to demonstrate trust and care, usually between two people who are already together.

If Seishirou and Subaru’s relationship reached it’s culmination after Seishirou lost an eye, I think it’s safe to say that Subaru and Kamui’s is following a similar trajectory, only Subaru didn’t immediately turn on Kamui. Instead, they have time to explore things in a way Subaru never did with Seishirou, whatever that may mean.

Subaru moves things into safer waters from Yuzuriha’s disappearance to Keiichi. He says he will be glad to see Kamui back in school and that he asked Subaru every day if he was all right.

Now, I mentioned earlier that Keiichi definitely thought Subaru and Kamui had something going on and felt he might be stealing Kamui away, but what does Subaru think of Keiichi?

I'd say "curious" but supportive and completely unconcerned about any competition. Honestly, Subaru doesn't strike me as the jealous type, so even if there is something between him and Kamui, I don't think he'd stop Kamui from pursuing something with anyone else. Subaru wouldn't consider himself a great choice; he thinks he's selfish after all.

This is the last normal moment Kamui and Subaru have before Subaru's final confrontation with Seishirou.

I feel relatively safe in the assumption that Subaru was going to say "like you." This is before he even becomes the Sakurazukamori, but he now considers himself selfish and he can't move on from his past whatsoever. He's also lost some of the empathy he had when he was younger; he's definitely kind, but he isn't willing to give everything up for others. He's arguably taken on Seishirou's role with Kamui as well, which I'm sure he has mixed feelings about. And ultimately, he and Seishirou share the same wish: to be killed by the person they love. So, yes, Subaru is definitely different from how he used to be.

It's after Seishirou dies that Subaru really snaps in the series. He was struggling to get by for the majority of it, but this really does it. It’s notable that even now, Kamui restrains himself.

Kamui always holds himself back when it comes to matters involving both Subaru and Seishirou. He never tells Subaru what he thinks of his wish and he doesn’t know how to help him. I think a lot of his resistance to actively reaching out to Subaru on this matter, both physically and emotionally, is out of a misguided sense of respect for him. Subaru knows what he wants and did a great deal for Kamui; Kamui tries to return the favor by giving him distance, but I think distance was the wrong thing to give Subaru. He needs to be dragged into the now and he needs to be reminded that people care. That's a lot to take on though, so I can't blame Kamui for not knowing what to do, especially when he's looking to Subaru for guidance. He doesn't feel like he can take on that role.

Their final parting is tough to watch.

I think this time, Kamui actually is worried Subaru might hate him, because for the first time he’s actually “disrespected” Subaru’s wish. He didn’t let him die with Seishirou when the bridge collapsed. He saved him and that goes against everything Subaru has wanted for the last nine years.

But once again, Subaru misunderstands and I think there’s a part of Subaru that simply can’t accept that Kamui cares for him as a person. He’s stopped caring about himself, so he doesn’t connect the very obvious dots in front of him.

Subaru: You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not going to fall apart.

It could be this is just how Subaru deflects. Rather than discuss what’s really bothering him, he tries to treat Kamui like a leader who is talking to his subject, but that simply isn’t the relationship they ever had, least of all now.

Once again, Kamui gets to the heart of the matter; Subaru is thinking of Seishirou. Everything he's done is for Seishirou, and it's now very apparent Kamui simply can't accept that. He's sorry for it, he knows that if he really wanted to "respect" Subaru he would have let him die, but he couldn't do it.

Even now, Subaru is still trying to explain things to Kamui and still trying to comfort him to a limited degree; Subaru’s not exactly at his best right now, though and it's all pretty dejected. Despite having his wish denied, he doesn't blame Kamui. As he points out a little bit later, some wishes collide. He doesn't hold it against Kamui, though.

Kamui brings up the cigarettes again and this implies the whole thing is still bugging him and that he simply doesn’t understand Subaru’s motivations.

It’s interesting that our only previous glimpse into how Kamui feels about Subaru showed Subaru as being above him, yet reaching out to bring him closer. Here, Kamui literally sits on his knees before him so that Subaru is hovering over him, almost like a king with his subject, and Subaru is metaphorically reaching out to Kamui in an effort to explain himself so that Kamui might understand him.

Subaru explains everything, and essentially tells him he will never understand Seishirou now, never know what he really thought.

I think it’s safe to say that Kamui is feeling similarly about Subaru at the moment--he doesn't feel like he understands him nor does he understand what he's thinking--and once again Subaru is taking Seishirou’s role in a very roundabout way, albeit in a kinder fashion. But there's no doubt that Kamui is giving Subaru power here. Everything about their posture and conversation indicates that. While Subaru sometimes tries to treat Kamui like a leader either as a way of deflecting or because he actually believes that's the right way to handle things, we see here that Kamui absolutely views Subaru as the person with the wisdom and authority to determine things. Maybe not about the fate of the world, that's Kamui's duty, but as far as giving directions? As far as getting a say in what happens next? Absolutely.

And once again, Kamui is looking for something from Subaru he can’t give: he’s asking if what he’s pursuing is “right” and if he should change. Subaru is being given the power to change Kamui’s course and I don’t think he even realizes it.

While looking at their progression, I really think some of Kamui’s steadfast determination to save Fuuma is partially because of how Subaru keeps affirming this belief for him. There were at least two big moments where Subaru could have nudged him in a different direction, but he didn’t take it. Instead, he tries to be encouraging, although this time it’s definitely more fatalistic. Subaru doesn't understand the influence he has over Kamui and that is one of their biggest miscommunications in the series.

Even as lost as Subaru is currently, he still cares about Kamui. He wants him to focus on his own desires, not on him, and he wants him to take care of himself. The problem is that he’s completely missing the fact that Kamui relies on him, cares about him, and would do a lot better if Subaru stayed in some capacity. Instead, he disappears for a month.

Needless to say, Subaru is very much on his mind throughout his absence and Kamui still can't make a kekkai. He thinks about how everyone has something they want to protect, and that's why they can make one. His thoughts lead him right back to Subaru.

This is the person he's thinking about the most while he's visiting Kotori. This is the person he wants to return. And we actually get to see what it is Kamui actually wants for a change:

I don't know if this is the wish Kamui hasn't realized but it's definitely a wish: he wants Subaru to come back. He wants to go out and look for him. He wants Subaru to be capable of caring for someone other than the Sakurazukamori. The implication is that he wants to be important enough to Subaru for him to come back.

Just as Subaru wanted to be important enough to Seishirou for him to acknowledge him, so too does Kamui wish he were important enough for Subaru to do the same.

Kamui continues with "The people I most wanted to protect were Kotori and Fuuma. But Kotori is gone. And now all I want is to get Fuuma back. But... I still can't create a kekkai."

Fuuma is watching this moment through the dreamscape and has this input:

So, protecting Fuuma isn’t his real wish. What is? The only other thing he was thinking about was Subaru, but even I hesitate to say that’s the ultimate wish. I definitely think it's an important, unrealized wish all the same, however. As for Kamui's real wish, I’ve been assuming it was he'd chosen a different side so Fuuma could be spared or possibly that he had died instead of Kotori. CLAMP makes it hard to say for sure.

Anyhow, we finally see where Subaru’s been hiding out for a month plus: the Sakurazukamori’s house. I’m not entirely sure how he found it, but there it is.

Also, Seishirou’s final wish is about as messed up as you’d expect.

Wow, we get weird eye stuff and a dose of stalker possessiveness. 8D CLAMP outdid themselves. I can't even...

And as if that wasn't enough, we get this:

D-do I even want to know what that means? The context of this is incredibly bizarre. He’s talking about how Seishirou was upset another man hurt Subaru. The only person that’s been hurting Kamui is him.

Am I supposed to assume Fuuma wants to prevent anyone else from leaving any kind of mark on Kamui? Is that supposed to be a reference to an actual person? The only person I could think of is Subaru as far as who's been interacting with him, and I’m not actually sure that makes sense. 8D Is he talking about the original Fuuma? He’s jealous of himself? Or possibly even Kotori? Or am I supposed to assume Fuuma just wants to mark Kamui as his with another freaky eye exchange? CLAMP… Why…

Anyway, Subaru takes the eye because he’s been making a series of bad decisions and he isn’t about to let up now.

The next time we see Subaru, he has decided to do nothing, which is basically what he’d decided to do beforehand, only now he has Seishirou’s eye and is willing to watch events unfold. We see that there’s a little tension between him and Fuuma, which is… hardly surprising all things considered.

It’s interesting that Fuuma says Seishirou has been very selfish when it comes to Subaru. That would be pretty obvious to the audience, but Subaru is surprised by this assessment. Seishirou is preventing Subaru from achieving his “wish,” i.e. death and he’s also preventing him from connecting with other people. That’s the height of selfishness.

It is strange hearing this from Fuuma when he is being equally awful, however, which is probably why Subaru points out that wishes are something only Fuuma knows to begin with in what can only be described as an annoyed fashion.

We know Subaru has been on Kamui’s mind (a lot) and it looks like Kamui has been on Subaru’s as well.

Subaru does care about Kamui is the thing, which is why it's doubly strange seeing him as a Dragon of Earth. He doesn't want Kamui hurt, but he claims he's not going to be involved. Can that really be the case if he genuinely cares about someone on the opposite side?

Interestingly, he avoids the subject. He's always been private when it comes to Kamui and it looks like that isn't about to change here, especially when he's talking to the man who has tormented him so much.

The next time Kamui sees Subaru is in the midst of battle with Fuuma and Kamui definitely feels betrayed.

Subaru's presence here is a little strange and I think the only reason he's shown up at all is because he cares about Kamui, just like Fuuma said. He's not showing it in the best way, but...

At long last, Subaru tells Kamui what he needed to hear ages ago and using the opportunity he's been given many times, but never used. Kamui needs to rethink some things and saving Fuuma isn’t what he really wants.

And the thing is, Kamui listens. The final chapter ends with Kamui remembering Karen’s words and finally trying to piece together what might actually be going on and it’s all because Subaru finally stepped in and offered an actual opinion. That's the level of influence Subaru has over Kamui and I'm still not sure Subaru has figured that out.

So, how would things have progressed with Subaru and Kamui after all this? Obviously, there’s no way to say for sure. If CLAMP wanted to draw the final parallel between the Subaru/Seishirou relationship and the Subaru/Kamui relationship, then it’s quite possible Subaru will die at Kamui’s hands. Another possible parallel is that one of them realizes they love the other, but only when it's too late. But the thing is, while there are parallels between these relationships, their differences are far more profound and these two never had the kind of relationship where one would ever want to kill the other.

Even with Subaru’s betrayal, I doubt Kamui wants to see harm come to him; he’s still looking to him for guidance and support. He no doubt wants Subaru to come back. It's what he's been wanting ever since he left.

Rather than Kamui killing Subaru, it’s much more likely Subaru would sacrifice himself for Kamui, possibly as his final wish. It’s also possible Subaru decides to rejoin the Dragons of Heaven because there really isn’t any reason he has to be with the Dragons of Earth? He’s not a fan of Fuuma, he has no attachment to the people there. He’s just there for the sake of Seishirou’s memory. Undoubtedly there would be some conversation(s) between Subaru and Kamui even with them being on opposite sides. This wasn't supposed to be the final battle; Kamui doesn't die here. For all we know, that sword Fuuma's been holding up for years never strikes Kamui; it could hit someone that flings themselves in front of Kamui or it could be blocked or any number of things. But it isn't the end.

Furthermore, there's still the matter of Kamui learning to make a kekkai. It would be very strange if CLAMP never gave him a reason to create one. The issue Kamui is having is that the people he wanted to protect in the world are already gone. He needs some other reason or person to create a kekkai. This means he needs to realize an attachment to a person he didn't realize he had. I'm just saying, Subaru is a good choice for that.

And like Kamui, I have to wonder if there’s anything out there Subaru would be willing to protect. The likeliest candidate is Kamui himself.

Now, I would personally like a much happier ending to this manga than I think we were likely to get, but whatever the ending, I don’t think CLAMP was going to drop the exploration they had going of Kamui and Subaru’s relationship. It didn’t dominate the series, but it also got a lot more focus than they needed to give it. It was important and it was unique and I think their bond could have continued to grow if the world had been a little kinder to them and if they’d both been willing to move on a little sooner.

And that’s all for now. This turned out to be very long. I will now proceed to content myself with writing more fanfic. 8D

[carriagelamp]

September Book Roundup, back-to-school edition aka The Season Of Red apparently?

Here is a selection of the books I’ve read this month. Summer is over, so the little bit of brain power I had managed to scrape together is quickly disintegrating, so enjoying the hodge podge of stories.

Binti

This was probably my favourite book that I read this month. It’s a novella I first heard about hear on tumblr and went to find a copy in my library. I have since bought the collected trilogy so I can read book two and three at my leisure because it was honestly just that friggin cool. This is exactly my flavour of scifi and I tend to be very very picky about the scifi I consume. It’s about a girl named Binti, a member of the Himba people (a real group of indigenous people from Namibia). They are a people well known for their mathematical and technical prowess, but due to their strong connection to their homeland and the earth they choose not to travel through space like so many other humans do. However, when Binti secures a position at Oomza University, the greatest university in the galaxy, she chooses to go against her family’s wishes and traditions in order to set out into space to attend. Everything is ruined though when her spaceship is attacked by a hostile alien race and everyone is killed but Binti, who must rely on all her intellect and abilities if she wants any chance at survival.

A seriously cool book with great world building – it really successfully introduces readers not only to the fictional scifi world and races of the novel but also to the culture and traditions of the Himba people. It’s a quick read, and feels like a cross between Dead Space and Tamora Pierce. Would totally recommend a read.

Fake Blood

A Canadian graphic novel. It was a goofy cute read. It’s about an awkward group of friends in middle school, and one boy with a crush on one of the girls in his class. Knowing her love for vampire stories, AJ decides, like any self-respecting middle schooler, to try to pretend he’s a vampire. Naturally nothing goes right and some things go wrong in unexpected ways. It’s funny and cute. Nothing amazing but it was a cozy evening read.

The Last Book On The Left

I’ve been listening to this podcast a lot since my friend recommended it to me and finally decided to read their book. For those that don’t know, The Last Podcast On The Left is a immaculately researched comedy podcast that’s hosted by Ben Kissel, Marcus Parks, and Henry Zebrowski, and explores the darker realms of human nature. Ghosts, paranormal, aliens, cults, and of course serial killers. In this book they collected several of their biggest name serial killer series, did some renewed research, and put together a book that is both informative, irreverent, gross, and very funny, complete with some really amazing illustrations by Tom Neely. A very cool read (and listen, if you decide to check out the podcast instead), I really love how they tell these stories without idolizing or romanticizing the people they talk about. Their humour always makes sure you know exactly how much of a pathetic loser these people are. Fantastic true crime, from someone who has never really felt the need to read about true crime before.

Midnight Sun

I won’t harp on this one, everyone is already going to firmly have their opinions here. I grew up on Twilight, I was reading them as they came out, and I still love them. Were they dumb? Oh my god yes. Did they have problems? Sure, they came out in 2005 it was part and parcel. Were they also a really fun for a thirteen year old to read? Absolutely, I don’t regret it. Sometimes teenage girls should just to get like things without being mocked.

Anyway, I am off my soapbox now (can you tell this is still a raw spot for me?) I unironically loved this book! Getting to see Edward’s perspective was really cool, and since he can read minds it essentially let you get the perspective of everyone else around him too. The Cullens family is a great set of characters so it was really cool to see more of them, and I was very impressed by how Stephenie Meyers took a YA romance she wrote in 2005 and was able to make it feel updated and more appropriate for a 2020 audience even though she couldn’t actually change any of the events themselves. So fans of Twilight, don’t be ashamed, go read Midnight Sun and have the shameless fun you deserve. Is there anymore appropriate book for the bizarre ass year that was 2020 than a return to this goofy nonsense?

The Paperbag Princess

(and Up, Up, Down, and Robert Munsch in general)

I’m back in schools so I’m back to reading children’s book! And honestly, and of you that don’t occasionally sit down and read a kids book out loud don’t know what you’re missing. Anyway, Robert Munsch is a Canadian author, and one of my all-time favourite children’s authors. It surprised me to learn he isn’t as well known in the States apparently? I don’t know if that’s changed or not, but he is a Canadian staple for a good reason, his books have ridiculous premises, are specifically written to be fun to read out loud, and have beautiful, involved, and hilarious illustrations. The Paperbag Princess is one of my absolute favourites, and as a kid it was one of the first stories I had ever read where a princess is the one saving the prince… and then telling the prince to piss off when it turns out he’s a jerk. Up, Up, Down is another favourite I reread this month, because it’s just hilarious funny and makes a fantastic read aloud with kids. Some other Robert Munsch I reread this month include: Mmm, Cookies, More Pies, Ribbon Rescue, Just One Goal, and Andrew’s Loose Tooth. You just cannot go wrong, for kids or adults.

Pit Pony

Another Canadian staple while I was growing up. If you’re a young adult know who went through the Canadian elementary school system, you probably had your entire heart ripped out and stepped on by this chapter book. It’s a historical fiction that looks at the economic hardship, debt slavery, child labour, and animal abuse that was tied to coal mining in the Maritimes. Finding a copy was harder than I would have expected give how pervasive it was a decade or so back, but reading it again was a pure shot of nostalgia.

Seeking Refuge

A graphic novel written by a German-born Canadian about a Jewish girl who flees Nazi-occupied Austria by way of Kindertransport to become a child refuge in England. It follows her as she is moved from host family to host family as the war continues to pick up and gradually makes it’s way to the United Kingdom as well. It’s very poignant and the pencil-sketch illustrations are an interesting change to a lot of the graphic novels that are out right now. This story is still aimed at a younger audience, so it never gets too brutal but it still is a hard hitting story, especially with everything else going on right now.

Silver Spoon #9/10

I know I’ve talked about these books before, but my library got some more since I last read them, so I’m continuing my way through the series. It’s about a teenaged boy who, after having a breakdown from the pressure he was feeling to study and succeeded, decided not to attend an academic, urban high school, but rather to apply for an agricultural high school so he could live in the dorms, far away from his parents. The series just gets more and more heartwarming as it continues. It’s all about failure and overcoming and how worth can be measured in different ways, and about family and understanding each other and coming together… but also about the realities of farming which aren’t always very nice, especially when it comes to finances and survival. It’s written by the mangaka behind Fullmetal Alchemist but I’ll be honest… I think I like this series more. It is honestly one of my all time favourite manga series, it just has so much heart.

Ruby Finds A Worry

aka Ruby’s Worry apparently? I can’t figure out why this has more than one title. I actually read it in French not English, so for me it was Le Souci de Calie. Regardless, this was a nice little picture book for talking about worries and anxieties with children… especially with the amount of Covid stress a lot of kids are dealing with. It explains in a really nice way how talking about anxieties are often the best way to make them more manageable, and how pretending nothing is wrong can just let it grow bigger and bigger. A good explanation for kids and possible a good reminder for adults.

War of the Realms: Journey Into Mystery

I read this because the Mcelroy family wrote it so I figured Hey! Why not give it a go! And I’m glad I did. Their brand of humour was all over it, and it made the story a delight to read. I don’t follow all of Marvel’s weirdness, so I didn’t actually know most of the characters (Miles and Kate were actually the only two I was familiar with) but they do a great job of introducing the characters and making them all feel distinct and interesting. I absolutely adore the Dog of Gods (God of Dogs) who is a very very good boy. And Miles is absolutely always a delight so you can’t really lose. It’s a single book that I think is a part of a larger plotline that I have zero interest in. This book is a fine one to read though if you don’t mind jumping into the middle of the action and just getting swept along for the ride. Also Mcelroys!

Witcher Omnibus

Bleh. Absolutely not worth it. All the misogyny and Dumb Bullshit that I hate in the original books and from video games in general. Honestly, Witcher III did way better by its characters than most of these short stories. The only one worth reading in it is Curse Of Crows – that one was actually really enjoyable, probably because it was about Ciri and had an actual fucking woman on the writing team. (Seriously guys what were you thinking with Fox Children that’s literally just a story from Season of Storms but done worse. Fuck off.) If you like The Witcher, go read Curse of Crows and skip every other story in this book.

Billy Stuart: Les Zintrépides #1

Another French (Quebecois) book I read, though I believe you can get it in English as well (Billy Stuart and the Zintrepids). It’s a chapter book / graphic novel hybrid, and was honestly a fairly fun little read. It’s in a similar vein to Geronimo Stilton but done much better in my opinion. The humour was funnier, the characters felt less like caricatures, and while it still used stylized fonts it was also less intrusive and eye-strainy than the Stilton books. Also when the story suddenly pivots into the main adventure and mystery of the series? Fantastic. Was not expecting a hell-beast to appear part way through the story. Very interested in reading more.

Over all, it was cute and funny, and I can see it being a good next step when children have read their fill of the Stilton series and want something similar but possibly a bit more involved and coherent.

[callioope]

Author Interview

tagged by @theputterer -- thank you :) 

Name: Liz

Fandoms: In terms of posted fics, mainly Rogue One and Star Wars (OT). I have at least one fic posted in A Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones, Community, and Howl’s Moving Castle (book). But I also like The Clone Wars and Rebels. I’ve been reading mainly ATLA fic for the past couple weeks. 

Where you post: AO3 and sometimes here on tumblr. There are a few drabbles I’ve posted on tumblr that I really ought to crosspost on AO3 for posterity. 

Most popular one-shot: “In Which Sophie is Late, and Howl Noses Around in Her Business” (Howl’s Moving Castle) With 698 kudos. Uh. Wow. I was not expecting that! It’s literally my only HMC fic (although I do technically have other unfinished drafts) and it’s not even a year old, and surpassed my second most popular one-shot which was posted in 2015. Pregnancy trope is popular I guess. It is amusing to me that my most popular one-shot is not in my favorite OTP fandom (rebelcaptain). Howl’s Moving Castle ended up having a wider audience than I anticipated. 

Also as a disclaimer, but popularity is weird to gauge because do you go by hits or kudos or comments? I went with kudos because hits could count people who clicked on my story and then didn’t like it. But it’s hard because hits also include re-reads, so, idk. 

Most popular multi-chapter fic: “The Last Stark” (A Song of Ice and Fire) 815 kudos. This was finished in 2013 so it’s had plenty of time to accumulate the kudos. It’s a Gendrya Anastasia AU (“Aryastasia” was my working title for this one lol). So again, popular trope, in a popular fandom, in a popular ship. This fic is so old when I reread it, I usually find myself wanting to edit it, especially the ending. I was so ready to be done writing this that I think I rushed the ending. Oh well, writing plots is really difficult!

Fic you were nervous to post: Every fic? lol. I’m never not nervous to post a fic. But I’m definitely more nervous posting in a fandom for the first time. So posting “Whatever I Do (I Do It To Protect You)” (Rogue One, rebelcaptain) was pretty nervewracking, especially since it’d been awhile since I posted anything. [OOOH, fun fact, but WID celebrated it’s 4 year anniversary yesterday! Ha, that’s funny.] I was working on this fic for weeks before I posted it. 

I was also super nervous to post my Jeff/Annie Community soulmate AU, “Intro to Neurochemical Compatibility” because (a) first time posting in that fandom, (b) I decided to use script format which I know is not everyone’s jam, and (c) the premise is just so ridiculous! But I had fun with it. 

Also gift exchanges are always nerve-wracking because I worry the giftee won’t like it. My giftee never responded to my 2020 rebelcaptain secret santa fic so I’m actually constantly worrying that they didn’t like it and feeling bad that I failed them. :/ 

How you choose your titles: with so much agonizing. gosh it’s so hard and honestly i have so many titles that i hate. I’ve got a couple song lyric titles. a couple quotes. a couple “how to...” apparently that was a whole phase I went through. Either the titles come to me immediately, or I put off choosing a title until the absolutely moment I need to post it, and then spend hours agonizing over a quote/song lyric/phrase that fits and probably begging others for help.

Do you outline: YES. Possibly overly so. I’ve ran into issues in the past, when I was much younger, where I didn’t resolve problems proposed early in the story. So I need to know where the story is going in order to lay the proper groundwork. Also, if I do not write things down I forget them five minutes later. I also think outlining is a useful trick to jumpstart writing, so if the muse just isn’t present, I’ll try to lure her out by outlining. 

Complete: 19 fics. 

In progress: Oh boy this is so hard to count. As far as what’s posted? Technically only one: “How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days” (Rogue One, rebelcaptain). Despite the fact that I think the deadline was extended multiple time, I procrastinated and ended up rushing chapter one to meet the rebelcaptain rom-com challenge deadline. Didn’t really have a proper outline for this one, even though I knew vaguely what I wanted it to be about. I wrote chapter two but I hated what I wrote so I ... I kinda abandoned it. I mean technically, I never consider a work abandoned, I always intend to get back to it. Some day when I have the inspiration I will. But this idea ended up being a challenge I didn’t feel ready for at the time, and then my interest moved on to other ideas.

I also had a longer story planned for “you must become an island (the horizon is all we have)” but only posted one part of it to finish it on time. Ideally this fic would be part of a series, but again, motivation is needed so we’ll see

Technically I have 22 rebelcaptain ideas alone (including some listed in this post) at various states of completed, plus a handful of Community and HMC ideas. Of the ones I’m most interested in, there’s probably about 14 that I really hope to finish and post some day. 

ETA: omg i totally forgot that i was idly considering trying to finish my rebelcaptain soulmate AU in time for Valentine’s Day, but at this point I haven’t had any motivation to write so I don’t think that’s gonna happen. that fic has been sitting in my drafts since 2018 and in my drafts it will continue to sit.

Coming soon: “soon” is relative but these are currently the ones I’ve focused the most on recently:

Fencing AU (rebelcaptain)

You’ve Got Mail AU (rebelcaptain)

Post-War Fic with @allatariel (rebelcaptain, plus a LOT of other ships, includes Rebels characters, OT characters, and... maybe some others :) )

Palm Springs/time loop AU (Jeff/Annie)

Do you accept prompts: Wellllll here’s the thing. When I’ve asked for prompts, I haven’t been the best at fulfilling them in a timely manner. For that reason, I don’t encourage prompts but I’m not opposed to them. (I suppose technically exchange fics are prompts, and I wrote a bunch of fics in 2017 for rebelcaptainprompts, but I’m not gonna count those because I don’t think that’s what the question here is really going for)

“The Climb (A Lie, A Hero)” (Rogue One, rebelcaptain) was actually a prompt. 

I solicited prompts for my birthday in 2019, which I didn’t end up fulfilling until exactly one year later. 

Technically the You’ve Got Mail AU is a prompt, someone prompted me to write a fic for my favorite go-to comfort movie.

And, uh, the certain someone who tagged me for this meme prompted me in a comment back in October 2017 to do a Luke and Leia swap where Leia grows up on Tatooine, so that is sitting in my WIP list. 

Yeah, this is why I don’t solicit or encourage prompts. The return rate is just not fair for the prompter. 

Upcoming story you are most excited to write: this fluctuates on any given day. the fencing AU is so close to being done (well the first draft anyways) so i really really want to just finish it! But yeah it’d be anything on the coming soon list above.

tagging: @allatariel, @cats-and-metersticks, @lothcatlovesysalamiri, @veritascara, @brynnmclean and anyone who sees this and wants to do it! also ofc per usual no pressure if u don’t want to.