#i have changed a lot since then in terms of wanting a relationship irl (i don't) and yeah homophobia is horrible

[osomatsusanki]

maybe i love ruikasa so much because i know what it's like to be secretly gay in high school. the thrill of making the most of it while minimizing the risk of getting caught, making out in the locker room instead of going to p.e., sharing a single bed on a weekend school trip, endless inside jokes...

[olderthannetfic]

I think the discussion about if loli guys are into actual children misses the point tbh. Even when they’re well aware that it’s not actual children and they don’t WANT it to be and they’re specifically into the non-realism of it…. A lot of loli (and moe, which is not unrelated since it’s rooted in the aesthetics of it but applied outside the specific genre) in anime is still about this fantasy of women as helpless and innocent and needing to rely on you and, above all, not having real world problems. Granted, a lot of romantic fantasy is like that, arguably especially stuff about women aimed at men…. But I think that is what personally makes me not really want to deal with guys who are super into it that in my own personal life. Like, let’s not pretend that a certain kind of guy getting used to expecting women to be like that in anime and video games hasn’t had some real consequences for women in nerd culture who insist on being full human beings over like, the past decade and a half lol. Like it’s just hard to imagine that being the fantasy of a guy who specifically wants a take-charge, dominant, independent kind of woman over like…. Idk, lady villains stepping on his face or something, lol

I’m hardcore anti-censorship and don’t believe that preferences in romantic or sexual fantasy in fiction has an exact relationship to what we want in real life…. But it seems strange and anti-intellectual to argue that media *never* has that influence. Like, just divorce this from arguments about porn and “problematic shipping” for a second. There are a ton of people, of multiple genders but especially over age 20 or so they’re more likely to be men, who seem to think that if they’re friendly enough to someone of their preferred gender (or really, opposite gender, since this is based on an “everyone of my preferred gender is a potential partner” norm that people into the same gender just can’t assume) they’ll eventually reciprocate their feelings, or they *should*. The Nice Guy thing. Do you really think that the numerous romantic comedies that have that as a dynamic, or the video games whose “romance” mechanic is “give them gifts and talk to them enough and they’ll eventually be a love interest possibility,” doesn’t play into that at least somewhat? Like, we’re all smart enough to know that Stardew Valley and Harvest Moon aren’t like real life romance, I think…. But did you know that yet when you were 13? Do you think *everybody* who plays those knows that?

Take it out of the context of romance at all. If you’re a lawyer, how many times have you heard people who have misconceptions about what you do based on legal dramas? Or for doctors, about medical dramas?

And that doesn’t put any responsibility on the creators to change stuff (I mean, the “reward = romance” thing is just a very easy video game mechanic for instance, and programming in something that more closely resembles actual romance would be impossible, and it’s not like it’s any less realistic than like, how you fish or mine or farm in those games), it’s still on consumers to think critically (again, that the video game that has you fighting slime monsters in mines or where you grow broccoli in just a few days and harvesting crops is just one click isn’t going for realism perhaps. People wring their hands about the general popularity of farming games like it’s yearning for some political/cultural thing, and forget that the specific fantasy is it without all the toil. Just like plenty of people love playing restaurant games who work(ed) in restaurants irl and hate(d) it). But like, we talk about “society” influencing people in terms of stuff like racism and sexism. Mass media is part of society. This is why a lot of feminist criticism over the years has focused on critiquing broad patterns that recur in media, to the point that they become societal trends — and a lot of people take this in *unconsciously*.

I think what that one earlier anon meant with “especially with porn” is that porn shouldn’t be like, an exception to this. It’s kind of weird how people who are all for media analysis of problematic patterns in other kinds of media think it suddenly doesn’t apply if it’s media designed for the purpose of getting off. And sure plenty of us are into things in porn we have no desire for IRL (I love mpreg and I love kidfic, I have less than zero desire to have kids and especially be pregnant irl, to the point that it’s actually a squick for me in *het* fic), plenty of people are into specifically the fantasy version minus the Issues they have with that stuff in the IRL version. But… that’s not everyone. Some people’s porn preferences do match up with what they’re into irl. Even when they don’t, as with the loli example there’s often some other particular reason they like that

I don’t think it’s right to go around asking strangers to go around explaining their porn preferences to you, but I think it’s fair to think about it yourself (in the interest of introspection if nothing else), and to critique broad patterns in fandom, same as we would for any other kind of media. Why is porn the special exception for which all the other rules about 101 media analysis don’t apply?

--

[dwter]

hey everyone, so ive had a lot of time at this point to ruminate and have had conversation after conversation about everything going on and i truly and genuinely mean this when i say i think so much of my thinking and immediate reactions were entirely based in fear, anxiety and grief that i didn't give myself the ability to view the situation as it is.

ill say from the beginning ive always chosen to view this in a worst case scenario perspective. not just for myself, but also i think dismissing the victim ESPECIALLY those using anything to dismiss her literally instantly is really icky and so ive always looked at this with the perspective of everything (more or less) being true. now with that in mind--i dont think this entire thing was nearly as black and white as i initially thought it was. im saying it straight to save everyone the time to try and figure out my perspective, but after talking with people and thinking about real life, how people irl would view this and DO view it and other instances of this exact scenario happening both online and in real life: this is truly just not the horrible morally bankrupt incident i thought it was.

i thought a lot about how i wanted to go about explaining my perspective or if i even wanted to bc i really didnt want this to he seen as "dream defense" or align myself with the people who have had that stance since the absolute beginning bc they are srsly insane, but this is more for myself and for anyone who felt like they didnt have a perspective they resonated with throughout all of this. this is one of the first instances where i felt a genuine dissonance between my thoughts and feelings and my friends in the community whose thoughts i have always always valued above anything else, often even my own, especially when i was struggling with feeling conflicted out of fear and grief. i always clung to the people whose opinions i trusted (and still do trust dont get me wrong) because it felt easier than having to sort my guilty and scared conscience into rationality that could possibly oppose the people ive always looked to for guidance in discourse. just that fear on being on the wrong side of history and such. but like i said, this long winded and horribly overserious essay is for me more than anyone else--if not for people who have struggled with the exact same shitty time.

ill say the absolute first thing: it was not grooming. i held this opinion literally the entire time and people calling it grooming are not only using the term wrong but genuinely causing harm to such a serious topic. we are talking about two adults in a relationship with an age difference of four years like holy shit. when the first girl dropped her story, almost everyone came to the conclusion that it just wasnt that serious because he thought she was 18. with the second girl, she was one month from 18 and the dms from before turning such were genuinely the driest conversations in the world that he never initiated or made any notion of pursuing. this isnt to say you cant be icked out--the point of me talking about this isnt to make you suddenly change your views on anything but to try and claim that it was grooming or a crime took place is just wrong and dishonest of everyone. this is such a large part of where my personal dissonance with everyone's takes came from bc the way people were trying to claim that liking an 18 year old as a 22 year old was something akin to literal pedophilia (<- bc people WERE genuinely saying this) made me feel confused but also deeply guilty because i really just did not understand. and now that im less miserable, i can recognize that that confusion wasnt just linked to parasocialism or whatever deep twisted thing i thought was in my soul, it was literally just not the big insane evil everyone made it out to be. again, this isnt to try and say you individually cant be like "i dont like this" or "this is icky to me" or "this was bad judgement on his part" (<- which is my personal view btw) but to pretend it is some strange insane act of an active predator genuinely boggles my mind. i dont want to chalk everything up to being covidbrained but i think its a huge part of where this dissonance to real life comes from because i really do think if most of you sit down with genuinely and utterly normal people, they will not give a fuck about this. ive SEEN people have conversations about this with noemal people irl and have them literally laugh in their face bc of how deeply unserious it is. and again, i want to reenforce that doesnt mean YOU dont have to care, but to act as if this isnt an objectively undeep incident between two people is odd, especially to the degree ive seen.

now i cant just say this and be done so lets talk about the next part that people had an issue with: fan and creator power dynamic. ill also say this very straight: when the stuff came out with both girls i had a much larger issue with the "age gaps" than i did this for so many reasons. ive always, even before all of this, had my own opinions and such about ccs and fans ever having relationships and it usually along the basis of "as long as there is consent and mutuality, i have no real issue." its not strange to me that people want to be with people they like and idealize and vice versa. to keep this as objective as i can with this perspective, i wont get into thoughts that for dream specifically it especially doesnt surprise me in the sense that his past relationship + facing vitriol from every corner of the internet but fans + overall paranoia could have absolutely reenforced the normalcy and reasoning in this judgement call but i digress. i mean just obvious examples of people wanting to get with celebrities, or groupies or even in platonic ways where fans become genuine and actual friends of creators--ccs having relationships with fans was never a big deal to me personally. and since its relevant to mention in this case, ESPECIALLY online ones. im not saying there cant be power imbalances among a fan and a cc/celebrity, but to get like theyre all inherently like that again just makes zero sense to me and never has even before dream. this applies especially online where power dynamics are significantly dampened from what they can be and just i mean logically, dream has been a full blown cc for like a little less than 3 years and only at this level for maybe 1 or 2 without experiencing it in real life too. the idea that he himself would not see an issue with this, especially because it was a mutual exchange of company, is so completely unsurprising. and at its core, there really is no real issue in it of itself. a bad judgement call from dream? yes and ill stand by that since he shouldve been better safe than sorry. morally bankrupt and manipulative? 😭 no, not after really assessing shit rationally. i also want to add that it was a mutual thing. i know people are really trying to tear everything amanda says apart (<- which is incredibly strange btw, especially if that was your instant reaction and you were doing it publicly too), but taking everything shes saying as true, we know that there was a MUTUAL exchange of things of a sexual nature and this wasnt some manipulative one-sided exchange where dream controlled everything and gave nothing in return. this isnt to say that amandas feelings are entirely invalid or anything along those lines, but those feelings stem from miscommunication and not morally bankrupt predatory behaviours. like seeing all of the info and looking at the situation as it is, its very clear dream saw and believed this to be a mutual relationship. i was so confused and scared and panicked seeing words like "groomer", "innocent", "guilty", "predator" and others being thrown around i didnt even want to try viewing it for myself. but now that i have and now that ive talked to others, this entire situation reads as a bad break up more than anything else, not a strange manipulative abuse of power where mutuality is nonexistent.

overall this entire situation was framed so horrifically and i was tearing myself apart so much about feeling confused, it genuinely did not hit me the extent of just how deeply unserious it was until a friend of mine told me how they went out with their normal, most unchronically online friend, told the situation in the most objective way possible, and they literally laughed in their fucking face 😭 i also started thinking about real life instances of this happening like if it was another cc, a random tiktoker, an actor and realizing i literally would not care--and significantly less people who are as up in arms as they are would care too. and that ignores the fact that it was ONLINE, compared to in-person where whatever power dynamic could exist would be amplified by a thousand.

this entire thing is just so entirely subjective and if your personal opinions and values find this all shitty, absolutely no one is going to try and say to feel otherwise, at least not me. but to completely ignore that its just that--personal--values and opinions that determine how you view this, and act as though it is objectively some morally bankrupt, impossible to understand, predatory situation just feels reactionary and disconnected from real life at best and just shitty and even virtue signalling at worst. and also dont get me started on what some of you twisted that charity event in technos memory into because fucking shame on you, but ill make a separate post on that later maybe.

this really isnt meant to be a form of "dream defense" because if i was taught anything this past week it was that the way i connected so much of my own conscience to my ability to defend dream and his pr was and is entirely unhealthy, and it was all a wake up call--just not towards dream. the level of miserable agony i experienced, not even mostly because of what dream did, but because i felt like i couldnt DEFEND it, was dangerously all consuming and i dont want that anymore. its just not a healthy way to engage with any media, the need to constantly justify it in every single instance, and especially not with a cc. i want to be able to just see drama and controversy ride out and not have it feel so utterly all consuming, even if i do choose to comment on it. im making this statement bc like i said, it really sucked to feel like there was no public voice i completely agreed with and i realized that i could do that role if i wanted. and honestly, its just been very cathartic for me to write all of this out after feeling like an echo chamber of other peoples thoughts and my own grief the last week.

this community disappointed me in many ways, both the freaks who jumped on any baseless thread disproving amandas claims, dissected her behaviour, was very strangely dream defensive and chose to do all that shit PUBLICLY too. but also the people who chose to use this as an opportunity to act in the most reactionary strange ways that felt so virtue signal-y it was nauseating. i know the people who held/hold the views i did also dealt with the guilt and fear i did too, and thus no one was willing to so deal with the mortifying ordeal of a) sorting through these thoughts and b) saying them in any kind of public space even with just close friends, but ESP on a public blog. i mean, that was literally me. but it really fucking sucked to have just these two extremely polarizing and extremely isolating opinions be the only available voices 😭 my thoughts are getting very rambley now and i apologize, but i hope my points are getting across.

this is already insanely long, but ill start wrapping up. if you disagree with me, obviously thats fine. like i said, this was never made with the objective to change peoples minds which arguably was what my usual dream discourse essays was meant for sometimes. this was made for me and for this specific perspective to have light for anyone who wants or needs it. all i hope is that if you do come out of this with anything, is some form of awareness. of either real life, your opinions or even just yourself i dont know.

i really did love my time on tumblr so so fucking much. and i loved the people here even more so. i think i owe it all to you guys and just my blog itself to say my thoughts on shit, no matter if any of you agree or not. plus i mean if this flops i surely never have to face the consequences if im leaving anyways so peepoClap. thank you all so much for everything, and if you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my bullshit. i dont know if after this ill still leave, but regardless, it feels wrong to not make some homage to such an impactful place in my life. impactful people too :)

thank u all for reading again, and good fucking night !

[myminecraftfantasy]

DSMP x Encanto AU

Character Concepts:

This post is about my thought process why I assigned each character the role they have. Along with some concept art. (I’m not an artist, but I tried T^T)

Character Selection:

Philza — as Alma Abuela. The reasoning is simple, “His name is Philza Minecraft and he is quite old...” Also, he’s part bird because the wings are iconic

Nihachu & Puffy — Niki as Julieta. when I made this AU, I immediately casted Niki for this role because of her kind nature and the bakery she once had (in DSMP). Puffy as Augustin. I originally had Wilbur in this role, but I changed it because I thought Puffy would be more fun and I wanted to do something else for Wilbur. It’s a shame I can’t make Puffy a sheep, but I made Niki a cat because she has cats irl.

Sapnap & Karl — as Pepa & Felix. I immediately knew I wanted this couple in the AU since they’re a really fun dynamic. Karl would’ve suited either of the roles well, but I thought that Sapnap would suit Pepa better than Felix. Also, I made Sapnap a panda because Pandas.

Technoblade — as Bruno. they’re both quirky & introverted characters that I like (yes, I’m a bit biased). Also, he would fit in the song “We don’t talk about Techno, no, no, no~”. I think it was meant to be. And of course I made Techno a pig, he is “The Pig”.

Dream — as Dolores. their characters both have a ‘lying in wait’ sort-of-vibe, it’s hard to explain. It’s also pretty entertaining in terms of character interactions, and I put George in Mariano’s role. I also made Dream a wolf because of that popular GNF video.

Quackity - as Camilo. they both have really fun and goofy personalities, I think it’s a perfect fit. Quackity likes to change his mc skin a lot, so it matches Camilo’s gift. Also, Quackity is a duck because quack.

Wilbur — as Antonio. I was originally going to have Wilbur as Augustin, but I thought this would be a more interesting dynamic with Tommy with the flip in ages. I made Wilbur a fox because of his son Fundy in DSMP.

(I really wanted the bench trio in this AU, and I thought the 3 siblings would be perfect)

Ranboo — as Isabella. The character dynamics and relationships is really interesting with him in this role (prolly gonna make a mini-post for some hcs for this). Also, with Isabella’s gift, I could give Ranboo a flower crown. I chose a deer for Ranboo because the antlers and ears matched well with popular fan interpretation.

Tubbo — as Luisa. Not much to say for this one, I’ve seen the strong Tubbo fanart. This combo is perfect. Tubbo is obviously a ram for popular easons.

Tommy — as Mirabel. Main character energy, of course. Not to mention, their characters are often underestimated despite the attention they get. Tommy remains a regular human until the Casita gets rebuilt. He gets a bird too)

(Also, Casita’s nickname in this AU is Chat.

So remember those scenes with Mirabel saying “Casita”, now imagine Tommy saying “Chat” in the same way

Idk, I think it’s funny)

[velvetvexations]

i refuse to watch the clone high revival.

IT AIN'T GOOD

This is my full review I posted in a server back when it aired:

The cast changes are one of the biggest issues. It completely throws the whole dynamic off because they lost Ghandi, who, admittedly, was inconsequential in terms of long term character relationships even if he was like half the show, but they add THREE new people who are all supposed to be way more relevant to the serialized story. Two fall very flat and one is okay but still misplaced. Let's talk about that. Confucius, at first, seems like the obvious 1:1 replacement for Gandhi because he's a cheery dude who partakes in silly antics. He's not a full Gandhi clone [copy] because unlike Gandhi, who had a habit of just assuming he was cool and proceeded to act like it, Confucious is, like, trying to get popular on Tikstagram, I guess? That honestly didn't really come up a lot, he just sort of drifts around being there whenever they need a guy who's not JFK or Abe. Then near the end he ends up in a relationship with Harriet Tubman, which is like, okay, because she's the only character even more generic than he is. Seriously, there is NOTHING about Harriet, absolutely nothing, I can say about her personality beyond "once was briefly concerned about turning into a wine mom". Her design being completely unrecognizable as a historical figure really plagues her whole character, like I truly in my heart of hearts believe that if you read the scripts they would all say "TBD Woman of Color".

Which brings us to the sidelining of Cleo. In the first season, Cleo was a major character and focus of several episodes. She was the person JFK was dating, that Abe wanted to date, and that Joan was rivals with. The entire show revolved around that relationship chain. So it's super fucking weird that Cleo goes several episodes into the second season before she gets more than a handful of lines. Here's why I think that is: Obviously, the second season had to be finished or very nearly finished by the time the Cleopatra [Queen Cleopatra (2023)] stuff blew up recently, but I think even before that we've hit a point where people are a lot more aware that Cleopatra was not Egyptian Egyptian and that her portrayal as such in the first season would get a little more side-eyed. This is even more true considering the mandated loss of Gandhi, as she and him were the only non-white leads. Adding two or three more PoC characters made sense! But being so awkward with the handling of Cleo, who did at least manage to wiggle back into the main plot a little, was still weird, and it sucks that two of the three added PoC characters were so badly handled. So which one worked? Frida Kahlo was pretty cool. I don't know nearly enough about the IRL person, but I can at least define her character on the show as the hyper-chill laid back girl and she had several funny jokes, and based on the little I do know of who she is, they referenced her being an artist several times as well as her distinctive physical appearance. Also, apparently her bisexuality, because Frida ends up with Cleo. And, you know, that's fine, but fucking Cleo? Can I please get an episode or three or six or an entire season just about Cleo realizing she's gay, because fucking what? It comes out (ha) that Frida likes Cleo and from there it's like, cool, she just has to have the courage to tell her, but that makes no sense. Even in this season Cleo has multiple jokes about being The Girl Who Is Hyper-Competitive And Puts Down Other Girls, like from top to bottom the stereotypical cheerleader of 2003, because, hey, the whole premise is that the clones were frozen in 2003 and were just unfrozen! can I get anything dealing with that beyond Abe almost saying the r-word in the first episode? *The old clones are from 2003, the new characters were raised since then and that generation gap is actually interesting when properly explored which it barely fucking is.

Okay. Moving on. There's another new character, Christopher Columbus's clone who goes by Topher Bus because he doesn't want to be attacked for it, and that's the first of several funny jokes we get from him that make him way more likable than the show wants him to be. He's given the early flaw that he's a dick online, but not even in a racist way or anything like that? In fact, he's generally shown to be pretty woke, and the main cast casually shove him out of the way when he tries to get involved with things! If they wanted to depict someone who like, pretends to be woke but really is an asshole or something, they do a terrible job of it and have him come off more like someone who's trying but keeps getting kicked for literally zero reasons. "Oh, but he's mean online!" Yeah, to JFK, who was an asshole like literally last week from the perspectives of the older clones. I don't mind JFK getting hit with the likability stick, but like with Cleo being into women it comes out of nowhere aside from the Abe Says a Slur joke where that contrasts JFK being told he's so sex positive for a lame cringe reference to wanting to fuck and you're clearly meant to think "ah, the roles have been reversed, now JFK is just a confidant bro while Abe is in danger of being an angry loser incel", but it just! Needs! More! Development than that! One interesting part of that dynamic flip is that now instead of Joan secretly pining for Abe while Abe openly pines for Cleo, Abe is secretly pining for Joan while she continues to date JFK as in the first season's finale. It gets kind of lost in the politics of the gender swap, though. Like, Abe is now in that incel space, and he tries to manipulate Joan and then feels real bad about it and stops, but taking the way that's framed with other things that happen this season it's like, oh, it's bad for a guy to manipulate a girl like this, even though Joan did that exact kinna thing back in season one and it was more just "lol wacky hi-jinx!". I'm not trying to be all Misandry Double Standard here, but it's one more reason why it would always be really hard to modernize this show in the first place. Another thing about Abe along similar lines is the musical episode, where a big deal is made of Abe having White Guy Confidence, and that is fucking astounding to me. Like, what? Abe is a constantly anxious loser who is fully aware of that fact, I get that White Guy Confidence is a thing but why the hell is Abe getting tagged with it and not JFK, who absolutely has always suffered White Guy Confidence? Beyond the fact that JFK is now a cinnamon roll out of thin air and Abe's new arc is about avoiding the MRA trap?

In that same subplot you had Sacagawea, George Washington Carver, and Kublai Khan fighting to be exceptional enough to shine despite Abe's white mediocracy, and again like with the primary additions nothing is ever done with either who they were or who they are now. They are literally just there because Non-White, which I want to stress I'm not railing against as a concept, but their lines could be given to literally anyone. GWC was actually in the first season, I'm not sure about the others, and there were some Goddamn peanut jokes! Maybe boiling him down to peanuts is an unconsciously racist meme, as is boiling down all of Black science to "the peanut guy", but if the new series is above that then maybe use fucking someone else you are comfortable reflecting in a humorous cartoon fashion that people will understand? It's not necessarily a race thing, like "oh they were overly cautious with the PoC characters". I can think of one joke offhand - not that it was the only one, just the only one I can think of - where the minor characters had a reference to their historical selves, and that was technically delivered by JFK. Between that and how generic Confucius and Harriet are, I feel like the whole idea, the first word in the title, just completely went out the window. In the first season, beyond spear-carrying "some bit character in this large crowd needs to provide a reaction to something", you'd never have an extended scene where a minor character wasn't making a historical reference. It might seem logical to allow them to be more than that, but think about it: these are, after all, minor characters. With the main cast, not every line has to be Nothing Bad Ever Happens to the Kennedys, but it's like when The Flintstones has everyone go to New Rock City to see The Rockles play a 60s pop song. It's like, what in God's name is the point then?

A few days later:

Okay. I think I've mediated on it enough. I can now give my opinion on a reworked season two. Here's what I would have done, assuming only that the mandate Gandhi be absent is absolute: The group dynamic more or less starts the same, with Joan dating JFK and Abe pining for her, it's a great reversed setup. Abe starts to drift in an incel direction, but Topher is there to provide the "don't get this bad" warning that keeps him on the straight and narrow. Joan and JFK quickly realize they aren't working out, and Joan figures maybe she wants to try lesbianism, because she just seems so much like she would be a WLW. She starts to go out with Frida while JFK teams up with Abe and basically acts as the new Gandhi in terms of silly comic relief who's often hanging out with the protagonist. They support each other in Abe getting with Joan and JFK getting back with Cleo, who's started going out with Topher partly because she's desperate for a boyfriend she actually enjoys being with and partly because she really hates having lost both Abe and JFK to Joan, but Topher is actually also in love with Joan, which puts him at odds with both Abe and JFK. Eventually Joan realizes she isn't gay but Cleo realizes she is and Cleo and Frida get together, which is extra emotionally satisfying because Joan lost someone to her this time. The wacky misadventures of Principle Scudworth and Butlertron are basically the same as they are in season two as it exists, the addition of Candide Sampson wasn't bad at all and overall those b-plots were pretty good with the exception of the really terrible Butlertron origin episode, but the end result in the season finale is all the clones being frozen again just as Joan is about to pick between JFK and Abe. Confucious and Harriet Tubman are not present.

At the time I did not propose further characters of color to replace either Confucious and Harriet and would have to think on it a lot to figure something out. Probably people other than me would be better at selecting good fits that are recognizable to an American audience. I also didn't solve the issue of Cleopatra not being Egyptian, but maybe they find out she's actually the clone of a less well-known Egyptian woman who started claiming to be Cleopatra for the clout? That's certainly something Cleo would do.

[red-hibiscus]

BL characters I relate to most as a mentally ill gay trans man

Daisy from SCOY

Surprising no one, I, a trans person, relate to Daisy. They're outgoing and seemingly don't care about how people view them. They know they're visibly queer and they normally don't mind it (from what I see). But at the end of the day, society does affect them. They're hesitant to believe Touch genuinely cares and is attracted to them despite Touch being an absolute green flag who is very direct with his flirting. Even after, Daisy was worried about people would view their relationship with Touch and tried to become Day, a more masculine version of themself. Impossible of course and they broke down emotionally exhausted. I feel that so much because I also don't believe it when people, especially cis gay men, are attracted to me. I've caught myself trying to change my behavior to be more masculine (as I'm a bit on the nonbinary side of things). It's bad, but I know how Daisy feels.

Wang from 180 Degree Longtitude Passes Through Us

As a 26 year old trans gay immigrant in a country that doesn't want me, I have a shit ton of pent up anger that has been building up since I was a child. I've calmed down over the years, but I can still be stubborn and argumentative when it comes to politics and human rights. I'm also a linguistics major, thus an academic.

Wang is so much like myself and like a lot of people around me. Like me and Wang would be close friends irl I know it. We're young and stubborn. We're angry at the older conservative people around us, too much sometimes. So he lashes out. Many of his points are correct, but they're not hitting. Partially because the people he's talking to don't want to change, partially because he himself is stubborn. People like us yearn to be free, to be ourselves and to learn. Wang has a passion for the humanities like myself. Yet he knows society really only cares about STEM fields. I've compromised and am getting a master's in computational linguistics. Even though really I just wanna learn as much as I can about sociolinguistics.

Karl from Gaya Sa Pelikula

I haven't watched GSP in a hot minute, but I do remember feeling very seen.

So in the show Karl has his gay awakening, tries to internally and externally deny it, and eventually let himself be free to feel everything and be himself (at least in private).

Now I didn't have a gay awakening, but I guess you could say a trans awakening. In middle school I felt different, I suspected maybe some flavor of LGBT, but wasn't sure and I was too afraid to think about it too hard. Come high school I secretly wanted to join the LGBT club, but was afraid. Then I was essentially adopted into the LGBT club and dragged into the friend group during lunch because I was a loner like everyone else. At the time still "identified" as a cishet woman. As time went on people started to suspect. "Why are you in the club?", "why did you cut your hair", "why do you dress like that?", "your voice is low for a girl haha", etc. Much like Karl, I was not ready for any of that. I was still struggling to make sense of it all and come to terms with it myself. So I kept rejecting it and every time it hurt.

I kept rejecting it until I couldn't. Until someone I resonated with so much came out as trans and it clicked. My trans awakening was complete. I became able to be more myself, but only in private safe spaces. I wouldn't come out and live as a man until after high school and it was terrifying.

Adachi from Cherry Magic

I've only watched the jpn ver, but I'm sure that character remains the same.

I'm anxious and used to be quite shy. Now I'm just awkward. I'm really bad at seeing the good in myself cause I feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in life. Not that impressive. So when people compliment me I think "haha they're just being nice" (refer back to me never believing people are actually attracted to me).

Adachi is the exact same. He has the same routine every day. Just going through the motions and not really thinking anything of himself. But then Kurosawa comes along and the ability to read minds. Adachi then realizes "wait, someone I respect so much actually loves me? And thinks I have a lot of good qualities? Makes me wanna cry." And me too Adachi. I'd be the same.

Jared from 7 Days Before Valentine

Jared, my precious baby, is described throughout the show as kind, but weird and different. We later learn that he has dyslexia, and honestly he seems to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Even if he isn't, he has a behavioral difference people pick up on and then shun him for it.

I too was seen as kinda weird growing up. Maybe it was the autism, maybe it was the social anxiety. Probably both. And then of course there was the gnawing feeling that I was different than everyone else and it turns out it's because I'm trans.

So when Jared said that people didn't talk to him because he wasn't like other people it hit me so hard.

Myungha from Love For Love's Sake

The whole show is sad yet cathartic for me. Myungha is depressed yet spends his time comforting others. He has a hard time loving and receiving love. If you give him a fictional character who is very similar to him he will love them and see all the good, but he doesn't see it in himself. Relatable as hell.

I have an incredibly hard time being honest with my emotions and letting people love me and express attraction. Mostly in a romantic/sexual context. Dpdr is cockblocking me. So dating is hell, but I'm lonely and yearn to not be.

Probably if you put me in a situation like Myungha I'd also go "yep, that right there is my blorbo" and then not realize that all the things I like about the person and make me care about them are things I have.

Honorable mentions:

Both Akk and Ayan from The Eclipse

Nozue from Old Fashion Cupcake

Oh-Aew from I Told Sunset About You

Cher from A Boss and a Babe (I headcannon him as autistic)

Amber from DNA Says Love You

Uea from Bed Friend

Mitsuomi from Restart After Come Back Home

Jao from SCOY

Maybe I'll make another post for those later

[sovereignsystem]

Hello, I've seen your post about wanting pro-endos to listen and I'm willing to listen (this might change depending on who's fronting).

We are a fairly new discovered quoigenic system (meaning we don't know and don't care about our origin) and of course are pro-endo.

I won't pretend I'm doing this out of sheer curiosity (although there's a lot of that), but the only other system we met irl and that we considered a friend flipped out when they discovered we are pro-endo and we'd like to mend that relationship.

I find it absurd that anti-endos and pro-endos cannot coexist. Separately online (curated experience etc etc) and bonding over shared struggles irl (since there are so very few of us)

Hello. Firstly, I'd like to express appreciation for speaking to us in a non-hostile manner, that is a first for us regarding endos.

Secondly; there are a lot of reasons why I think that it is impossible for anti-endos and pro-endos to coexist, at least without some very major changes. Something that seems to consistently be misunderstood by endos (and I'm mainly addressing those who say they are nontraumagenic, as pro endo traumatized systems are a different topic for me), is exactly why we do not want them in our spaces or interacting with us.

Now, I'm not going to speak for everyone, because I am not everyone, but I will say the reason why I am personally uncomfortable with endos being in our safe spaces and interacting with us, is because they continuously try to say that our experiences are the same, that they should be allowed to use the same terms, same resources, same safe spaces as us, but claim they do not have the disorder that those terms, resources, and safe spaces were made for.

I hate comparing the experience of CDDs to anything other than themselves because it's incredibly difficult to do so, but for the sake of understanding; it's like if someone went to a support group for war veterans, despite having never been in any war, but continued to call themselves one, and refused to leave because they dislike fireworks (or something of the like. Again, hard to compare).

I believe in peace above all else, and the constant fighting has put a weight on us, as I'm sure it's put a weight on everyone, and I would love nothing more than for everyone to be able to exist, separately, yet peacefully together, but the problem still stands that endos invade, take over, and appropriate things that were made for trauma survivors. And as long as that is still happening, we cannot stop fighting.

The reason why we dislike pro-endos in a similar way to endos themselves, is because from our perspective, pro-endos are people who have chosen to protect harmful individuals, people who have chosen to turn a blind eye to those who are fighting to protect the only spaces they feel safe in. I know that some of us feel betrayed when we see a traumatized system who is pro-endo, like our brethren have taken the side of those who have hurt us, those who have forcibly taken away our sanctuaries. The reason for discomfort is easy to see, to me.

As for you, I really hope you hear me on this. I hope you take to heart what I've said and try to put yourself into the shoes of someone who went through unbearable trauma, someone who just wants a safe space to discuss life experiences, healing, resources, and a place to feel a sense of community, someone who has to put all of that aside to push away and fight people who, in their eyes, wear their trauma as a costume.

It's painful. It's painful to have survived what we've survived, only for it to be made trivial by people who show little to no respect to us.

I hope you hear me.

I hope you hear us.

-🧟‍♂️ (He/him)

[amethystina]

Hi hi <3

I've been rewatching TDJ and rereading the fic (yes I'm on a marathon) and I was seriously wondering how I would feel about the The Trial Live Show (I think that's the name?? I forgot) if I was inside the drama universe. And I admit that despite wanting to believe that I would have a critical opinion about this whole situation, honestly with all the injustice in the world I would probably just be relieved that someone had a effective attitude and influence on everything that was happening.

What would it be your opinion if this all happened irl?

P.S (not related but I saw your other post about how some people have been pressuring – intentionally or not – for you to release the new chapter and complaining that is taking long. I just want to say that your only obligation is to take care of yourself and do what you want to do in your own time and limit. You've already given to us, readers, everything that you can and we appreciate all the effort and love that is put into your works. Thank you very very much.)

Hi! Now that's an interesting question! And it depends a lot on the context, I'd say.

Like, my view on the Live Court Show as the person I am right now is probably very different from how I'd view it if I'd actually grown up in that world. And the difference is a little too big for me to be able to account for all the nuances — and not only because I assume I'd have to change nationality, first of all? xD Which is a pretty big thing since the culture one grows up in can colour one's understanding of the world to a very big extent. My values and experiences would most likely be pretty different.

So while the me right now, in this world, can say that I would be VERY critical of the Live Court Show, I'm not sure I'd feel the same if I was actually IN that world. Me now am concerned not only about the popularity contest aspect that Lawyer Ko pointed out — which would only grow worse and worse the longer the show kept going. Like, people would form a bond with the people they saw the most — i.e. the judges — and not the people involved in the actual trials, who are literal strangers and not as interesting. Aside from the beauty and charm factor that Jin Joo mentions, most people would just end up siding with the familiar players they've formed a relationship with, regardless of the facts presented. If the judges were leaning in one direction, the majority of the public probably would as well.

I mean, just look at Judge Judy. Most people watch it for Judge Judy, not the people who come to her courtroom. They're side characters in her show, even if it's their lives that are being judged (literally).

And, adding to that, the general public aren't experts at law and don't really understand what a lot of the terms mean — or the repercussions of their choices. Their judgement is based almost solely on emotion. And there's a reason why jury members are sometimes excluded because they're seen as too partial, coloured by what the media have been saying or their own beliefs. It wouldn't be a fair and neutral trial. But here you have an entire population who have no such restrictions, nor do they have the time to fully study each piece of evidence or understand what is actually being said. They're asked to make a decision based solely on a couple of colourful PowerPoint presentations — within a couple of minutes, no less.

Like, I'm a librarian, yeah? (though I don't work at a library right now) And trust me when I say that the last thing we'd want is for the patrons to start putting the books back on the shelves on their own. They mean well, but sometimes there's stuff you have to do with the books before they can be reshelved, not to mention that most patrons don't actually understand the classification system. That's the librarian's job. So if the patrons were the ones to put the books back, a lot of them would end up in the wrong place and it'd be a complete mess within a couple of weeks. No one would find anything. And the librarians would now have to spend a significant amount of time reorganising and moving misplaced books, which is just terribly inefficient. Having patrons involved in the process actually makes it harder than if we'd just done it ourselves from the beginning.

And there's a danger of something similar happening with a court where the entire population can be on the jury. What if they make a mistake? Because they misjudged the situation? Or they couldn't be given all the evidence during the show's runtime? Also, while the drama never mentioned it, appeals are a thing. Do you really think that Ju Il Do didn't hire someone to start on his appeal as soon as he calmed down from the shock of the verdict in that first episode? Would the Live Court Show handle appeals, too? Or would that be dumped into the laps of other courts? And just how much weight would the people's judgement have in comparison to a regular court, which spends a lot more time scrutinising the evidence?

(I might be thinking too much about this, I know xD)

BUT, at the same time, it's easy for me — the person I am right now — to say that, because I'm privileged as fuck. I grew up poor, sure, (and perhaps have more accumulated trauma than average) but I'm comfortably middle class now. Adding to that, I'm white, living in Sweden, and am pretty comfortable with the gender I was assigned at birth. The worst forms of oppression I've faced are misogyny, some casual fatphobia, and the fear of homophobia (with me being married to another woman and all). But do note that I say "fear of homophobia," not actual homophobia. So, really, I'm not in a position to judge, ESPECIALLY not the ones living in the world they portray in The Devil Judge.

In fact, that's something I kept telling my wife as I explained the drama to her. My morals right now are not applicable to a world like that. I think the Live Court Show has a lot of flaws and Yo Han's actions shouldn't be condoned (cool motive — still murder) but if I had gone through the economic crisis they were experiencing? And the oppression they face every day? And probably wouldn't have been able to marry my wife since it seems to be a pretty conservative society?

I can't promise I wouldn't have been queueing up to join Yo Han xD

I DO think I'd still be hesitant to fully support the Live Court Show, though, and see the flaws I mentioned above (plus all the others I don't have time to get into right now) BUT my feeling of helplessness might just overpower that, had I grown up like Jin Joo or Ga On. That's not to say that I'd necessarily think it was okay (especially the outright illegal parts), but I could maybe look the other way, just because I was so frustrated.

So it's difficult to say for sure, but I'm fairly confident my stance would be different if I had grown up in a world like that. Right now, I have so much privilege that it's easy for me to take the high road and promote the morally upright solution, but if I had suffered through what they have? Not sure I would be as forgiving. And I think that's natural. There's only so much injustice we humans can endure before we start gathering up the pitchforks.

That said, I think it's still important to be aware of what is morally right and wrong. We might not always be able to follow what we know is the right path — that's human, especially when we are oppressed — just don't forget your way back.

So yeah. I hope that's a somewhat satisfying reply xD

And thank you so much for your kind words 💜 I know all that on an intellectual level, but it's not always easy to remember. Especially when I would genuinely love to be able to post more often and it frustrates me that I can't. I'm just as bummed out as you readers, believe me on that.

But, on that subject, I'm actually looking into decreasing my hours at work, at least temporarily, to hopefully make me less exhausted (which is another way I'm incredibly privileged — I can actually ASK for something like that (though I need a doctor's approval first)). So, maybe, I'll get some room to breathe and rest soon. Fingers crossed!

[annabelle--cane]

From a queer kid about to become a queer adult, I’m wondering if you have any tips on navigating adulthood? I saw in your bio that you’re 21 and bi, how do you navigate your public life in relationship to being queer? Are you open about it? If so, how do you deal with family members?

Sorry if this is a bit invasive, you don’t need to answer lol!!!

I've been very lucky in terms of the places I've lived and my family members, I don't think I've ever really been in a situation where it's been unsafe for me to be openly queer, and I certainly haven't since graduating high school. I'm fairly open about it, I have a handful of pride pins on the backpack that I wear around campus, I give my pronouns when asked and if it's relevant in conversations I'll tell people that I have a girlfriend. in the cases of people who I'll have to spend time around, like professors or past roommates, being subtly but openly out helps me do some prep work without needing to be active about it so they know how it's going to be with me and adjust their perspectives accordingly. if I'm going somewhere new and/or crowded, like a city I haven't been to before, I'll usually take the pride pins off my bag and dress a little less obnoxiously femme, but honestly for me that's probably a little more cautious than I need to be; if new england city dwellers couldn't handle seeing a humanities student with a rainbow pin on a train then they'd never leave their homes.

my situation is definitely not like most others', it's not even really like the situations of most other queer people I'm close friends with irl, and also I'm some guy on the internet who's probably wrong about 80% of the things I say, anyway. I think what a lot of the queer people my age I know have been slowly learning recently is that if people are not respectful and kind to them, they do not need to be respectful and kind back. if a parent doesn't accept you and uses their persisting power to try and change you, there is nothing wrong with lying to them or talking to them as little as possible, and if they wanted something different then they should have left you with more options. if a friend treats you noticeably worse than the non-queer people they know, you don't need to keep giving them chances, you can just block their number. everyone's lives are different, and I trust that you know your own life best and can evaluate what is safe for you and what is not, but I personally am always in favor of breaking rules, social or otherwise, if the rules are stupid and designed to punish you for being non-normative.

[todayinmagicalgirlhistory]

A Late Hello to 2024

It's been a hot minute since my last journal post so I'm feeling particularly inspired to write one up. It's 2024 and a lot's been going on irl between school and activism. So taking a moment to chill out on the blog is therapeutic.

Finals are next week and I'm looking forward to having those out the way so I can just enjoy a break and chill out. At least in terms of academics before the Fall semester starts up. Because of school, I haven't been as active with spirit work as I would like outside of my core group of spirits that I spend most of my time with. Same with astral travel, lately I've really only been going to my astral home.

I love the place, don't get me wrong. It's full of my favorite people but I do miss the days where I pretty much did nothing but astral to different places. So this summer, with the excess free time I will have, I will use that extra time to do more astral travel.

For one, visiting pop culture worlds more often is on the list.

For me personally, as long as you can inherently distinguish and separate the character from the show vs the entity you're meeting astral-wise, there's nothing wrong with dabbling in pop culture astral travel. It's not fair to put those expectations onto the entity you've met. And if you don't think you could handle those expectations being met, then you definitely shouldn't do it either. That aside, through the astral I've befriended an Orihime Inoue and she's a real gem! I don't see her often but maybe I'll plan a visit soon once finals have come and gone.

And I think I'll visit a different location and see what happens. Nothing too crazy, I want to enjoy whatever I see.

I also want to start interacting with different types of entities I've always had an interest in but have never taken the plunge into reaching out. It's time to expand the horizons, complacency is my biggest opp. I hate complacency, I always want to stay learning.

That aside some crazy shenanigans have happened recently but since that is something private to my path, I won't be talking about it here on this blog. But it was definitely a very unique event that I won't be forgetting about. I'll be working hard to hone my craft even further now that this event has transpired and I look to seeing where my skills are a year from now in death witchery.

I'll be working even more closely with the death fae in my life because of it.

Speaking of death fae, I think I'll be making another one of my mini introspective reflection posts soon. This time about how I feel I've changed or grown since working with banshees. In terms of number, the species I work with most often are selkies, floral demons and banshees so reflecting on my experiences working with all three of them is something I'd like to do.

I've done so with the first two, now it's the turn for the third.

I mentioned it before in my faerie witchcraft post, but your experience as a faerie witch/fae worker really is going to be quite unique to you. Your relationship with the fair folk will look different from fae workers A & B depending on the type of relationship you have with the faeries in your life, the type of faeries you typically interact with, if you stick to the fae local to your area or if you go out of your way to interact with fae that normally don't frequent your locale.

I tend to stick with selkies and banshees tied at no. 1 with dullahan as a close second, so that's a bit of an interesting mix I think. It honestly works wonders for avoiding fae politics. Selkies, in my experience, tend to not be affiliated with any Court and death fae tend to be far removed from it as well. It's drama free which is how I like my spirit work to be.

I've talked extensively in my selkie post and probably a few asks I've gotten in the past concerning selkies, that I think selkies are quite great prospective friends to have in your life because of their family-oriented 'once you're in, you're in' mindsets... but I also think that death faeries make great friends as well.

They understand the cycle of life and death very well and because of this, they cherish those they associate with and call their companions dearly. I think it's a very rewarding experience, I look forward to getting my mini introspective on banshees posted. I'll wait til some time after finals.

And just because I can toss this in here at the last minute, here's a bit of an altar pic. To be honest when it comes to spell work, I just go to my dresser and whip out what I need but I do have a miniature altar tucked away on a book shelf I have.

I have the deer vertebrae and leg for literal bones but I have a seashell (a bone of the sea) and a pretty stone I found (a bone of the earth). It's nice, it's simple, and I'm fond of it. It's nothing fancy compared to some of the posts you'll see of altars but I like the one I came up with and that's all that matters.

[stagkingswife]

Do you know of any good ways to communicate with spirits beside tarot reading? I feel like I need to change the way I communicate for whatever reason but I'm having a hard time finding alternatives (maybe I'm not googling correctly?) so I was wondering if you had any tips? since in your pinned post it said your interested in spirit work.

There’s lots of options besides tarot!  I can’t remember the last time I used tarot for spirit work, I mostly use it for readings for IRL friends these days because it’s my most “accessible to normies” divination method, so let’s brainstorm some alternatives!

Direct Input:  I call this the Sight, other people use the “clairsense” terms.  This is probably one of the harder methods to discern, because it all has to filter through our minds.  It can be hard to distinguish what is actual input from an outside source and what we are generating ourselves.  Let’s say you want to receive a message from one of the spirits you work with, and then you start having thoughts that are kind of like how this spirit “talks.”  Is the spirit really communicating with you or is your mind manufacturing what you want? Same thing with dreams - was that dream with mysterious imagery a message from a spirit or a natural psychological reaction to your day time activities?  Environmental Signs: Signs and omens are a classic communication tool, but another one that are easy to misuse/misinterpret.  A natural environmental occurrence, like seeing an animal in its natural habitat is just a natural environment occurrence, but if you ask spirits for specific signs, and are careful to ask for signs that would truly be unique or unusual, you can set up a pretty good call and response communication system.  A bad example - Deer are very common where I live.  Seeing a deer is not a reliable sign for me, even though they are strongly associated with my divine spouse.

A good example - Birds are very common around my home, but not birds of prey, which are also associated with my divine spouse, so if I wanted to know if he approved of something I could ask him to send a bird of prey to my home as a sign. Usually I would also request a time frame (within a week, for example) so you know whether or not you got your sign and you aren’t just waiting indefinitely.  

Otherworldly Travel:  This is another one that’s a slog to master, and it’s not at all necessary, I just find it adds a nice depth to some spirit relationships if you can go visit them “at home” in addition to them coming to you. For the spirits that don’t have something that represents them in this world I feel like I get to know them better when I see them in their “natural habitat” like a spirit David Attenborough. That being said, spirits have an advantage in the Otherworlds, I find that it’s much easier for them to manipulate their appearance, presentation, and our perceptions of them in the Otherworlds.  If planning to use Otherworldly Travel in spirit work I highly recommend taking your time and really verifying all of your experiences with other methods. Other Divination Methods:  And most importantly - Tarot isn’t the only divination method!  I know it’s very popular and very easy to find materials and resources on, but it’s not the end all be all of divination. I firmly believe that you need some sort of external verification system to be confident in your spirit work, otherwise you’re just relying on those methods above which can all be subject to well meaning imaginations.  Experiment with other divination systems and find something that works for you that you can be consistent with that is hard for you to manipulate, consciously or unconsciously, to give yourself the results you want.    Instead of Tarot I like oracle decks, I have built my own osteomancy method, and my keyboard divination method - when I do it for myself - are all great for double checking my other experiences. 

[hms-no-fun]

hey can you just generally ramble about your terezi (and (terezi)) choices? I am interested in your process for her characters this chapter.

yeah! naturally i have a lot to say about a lot of things so spoilers for godfeels 3.2 A1 solo below the break!

let me just start this by saying that (Terezi) has been the BIGGEST pain in my ass of the entire core cast since beginning godfeels 3.

getting A1 out the door in general has been something of a nightmare, in part due to inconvenient irl circumstances but also because this track had a LOT of heavy lifting to do. Double Album is an ambitious project --too ambitious, arguably, considering how much time it takes to write (lots) and how little it pays (nothing)-- and this first glimpse into what's to come needed to do a lot of recapping prior events, moving pieces around on the board, clarifying character motivations, giving everyone a reason to be staying/going, and setting up several hefty dozens of plot threads in both major and minor ways, all while simultaneously being entertaining enough to read that old and new readers alike don't just get bored and peace out before we even get to the stuff that this story's actually about.

i think on balance A1 is going to wind up being sort of an odd duck among the tracks for this reason. i've been thinking of it as sort of a pilot episode, very much in the mold of the pilot of LOST whose very minimal flashbacks belied the load-bearing structural centrality that the flashback device would come to occupy in the series. but it's also a pilot episode for a series that's already three seasons in, which just further complicates the logistical job it needed to do. here again i took inspiration from LOST (get used to this comparison, btw-- everything from chapter 8 onwards has been/will be heavily inspired by LOST in theme and structure), where the season openers always had to pull double duty of cleaning up the mess from whatever bomb dropped in the season finale to completely change the status quo AND giving the core cast time to acclimate to the new status quo in a way that sets the audience up for what this season's gonna be about. it's a fun and punishing challenge that takes a lot of trial and error. there have been so many versions of A1 that all conveyed largely the same information in completely different ways to wildly different ends.

i'm glad i put that work in, because i'm really proud of how A1 ultimately turned out. i think it accomplishes the goals i set out for. and in a serial work like this you just don't get a chance to redo your first episode. if this part didn't work, if every character wasn't utilized with absolute precision, everything that followed would be at a disadvantage. i feel more confident in the future of this side of the story than i did when i first started writing it. but it was hard!

and at the center of that challenge was (Terezi), the character whose desire to go with Silverbark is easily the most obvious of the departing cast and yet simultaneously the most mysterious. i have a document for every writing project where i save cut material just in case, and the one for A1 is over 8000 words. of those, just shy of half are scenes involving (Terezi). because ever since the start of gf3, she's been a delightful, infuriating wrench in all my plans. it's easy enough to understand why she would want to go with Silverbark, but what does she feel about it? how does she feel about what she did to June, what June/Risk did to her, or about the state of Earth C today, and especially about the medicated domestic 30-something Vrisrezi who've just shown up out of the blue?

i wrote the dream strangulation scene in 3.1 chapter 1 knowing it would put a dent in her and June's relationship that would be a pain point through the rest of 3.1, but i'd always planned for them to get on better terms before the end (until Vrisrezi showed up, at which point all that progress would be painfully backpedaled). but as soon as she left the house, (Terezi) completely closed herself off and refused to come to the table again. throughout gf3 and especially chapter 8 i tried to find ways to let her talk about what was on her mind, and she just wouldn't. the Host-intruded memory of them getting into an argument watching Consort Jerry Springer and the birthday flashback where (Terezi) eats leafs both wound up defined in their conflict by (Terezi)'s own silence, her refusal to say what's really bothering her. even as she opens up some in the latter scene, she remains infuriatingly closed off to Risk and us. the question she thinks she's answering is why she's uncomfortable on Earth C, but the question June and Risk are really asking is, why am i not good enough to make this place feel like your home?

this is a dominant theme of Divergence Syndrome-- characters ensconced in noise looking for silence, or characters sick of silence hurtling mortally towards cacophony. the strict meaning of silence vs noise change depending on the person. all the circus flashbacks are moments where characters just can't quite bring themselves to say the thing they really want to say. silence and noise, secrets and truth-- you might draw some comparisons here between this theme and the concept of Voidthought as introduced in A1. i try not to push my hand when it feels like characters don't want to be accessible. it's easy to want to give everyone center stage all at once, but it gets to being too much very quickly. you've got to pick your battles, give everyone their moment when the time is right, when you and they both feel ready for it.

but with (Terezi) i genuinely was like. hey. tell me the thing you really want to say. give me something to work with here. i'm trying to understand how you got here from where we left you in gf2. were you just lying when you said you loved how unpredictable June was? were you lying to Kanaya when you said you liked how boring Earth C was compared to Alternia? what changed in those eleven months between gf2 and gf3 and why didn't i see it until it was too late?

and she just WOULDN'T. every time i've tried to get her talking it felt forced and wrong. she only talks in narration when she wants to. she refuses to humor her guilt even to herself. i wrote a complete version of the scene in Dave's room where Silverbark is much, much meaner, just to try and get a rise out of her. but it was so out of character, it was too much, too forceful. you just can't drag secrets out into the open like that. not with a Mind player as stubborn as (Terezi).

that scene was for me, really. i needed to write it because i was mad at her. i won't share it here because i think quite a lot of it will end up recycled in some form down the line. i don't exactly want to give the impression that (Terezi) is a distinct entity, because none of these characters are. it's more that i see the narration itself, and each characters' varying awareness of it, as having strict rules and boundaries. there's that moment at the end of A1 where Vriska pops into the narration just to say, actually no i don't want my feelings on display right now. i'd planned to have a whole lot of prose there! but when i wrote that interjection, it felt right. it showcases a different form of closing one's self off-- where (Terezi) is doing bullheaded self-harm in her silence, Vriska there is being mature and recognizing that sometimes you just have to let things go. good characterization in this story isn't just about dialogue. every word you read is a function of character in some form. 3.1 was narrated largely by VV. 3.2's narration/structure is what i've been calling "paramniscient epistolary" --basically a roving narratorial eye that can take the form of disconnected third person narration but give way to direct influence from characters whenever they desire. the epistolary part will make more sense come future tracks. but all of that is to say that yeah, to let that device be honest in what it is, to really fulfill VV's promise of letting these characters have genuine agency, i need to be willing to step back and let them be obtuse sometimes.

the original version of that scene between (Terezi) and Silverbark broke rules i didn't yet know, and it taught me a lot about what this story wants to be. gf2 was so much about June expositing her every thought, having revelations, working through shit, coming to terms with her Self. gf3, at least so far, is the opposite. (Terezi)'s lack of answers, her refusal to self-examine, is a protest against the kind of sincerity that June often embodies.

the horror of encountering a Terezi who's well-adjusted and happy is that for (Terezi), it feels inevitable. like a death sentence, a sword hanging over her neck. it's proof that if she ever got what she wanted, she would have to lose so many of the things that she still feels are essential to her Self. i think she tried to force herself to get better in gf2, under the assumption that simply being with someone you love who loves you is enough. but getting better requires work. i don't like the pervasive idea in fiction that couples getting together is the Solution to interpersonal problems, because it's not. it can help! but when you're accustomed to being alone, it's easy to stay alone even when you share every waking moment with someone else. i think Terezi is proof to (Terezi) that getting better takes work, and she despises the notion that she needs to do that work, that this version of her "getting better" is obviously preferable to who she is now. it's revealing that she imposes parentheses on herself so immediately upon meeting Terezi. it's worth noting that when Vriska tries to talk to (Terezi) in the A1 solo, she doesn't use those parentheses.

i think (Terezi) knows that if she even started to have a conversation about all this stuff, she'd lose. there are so many little moments where you can see her resolve shake a little. her harshness is a manifestation of instability. to open that door even a crack is to consent to demolishing the whole house. so she closes herself off altogether. she tells Terezi she'll kill her if she speaks to her again, and when Vriska begs her to seek help, (Terezi) spits in her face.

infinite credit to janet girlpillz for all the art in A1 solo but this panel especially. it took a lot of work to get the mood and tone just right. i cannot overstate how lucky i feel to have her in my camp. this moment would be nothing without her.

it was important for me that the impact of this particular patooie be almost entirely on (Terezi). Vriska's shocked, yes, but in the way of being interrupted mid-sentence more than anything. i wanted to see the moment right before Vriska can emotionally process what's just happened. nonverbal, not overly emotive, surprised, taken aback. but not mad. not sad. not angry. it's (Terezi) who's angry. Vriska laughs it off pretty fast once the fluttersled departs, because she sees the gesture for what it is. it's not really about her or for her. it's (Terezi) kicking the dog to chase it away, maybe because she thinks its for the dog's own good, or maybe because she just doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of a dog, except she IS the dog and she might not even know it.

as to (Terezi)'s turn towards "Justice," i'm not even sure she really believes it. does she actually think June is guilty of a crime? or is this just an extremely elaborate means of tethering her fate to the woman she used to love? and in fact, is that love truly in the past tense for her?

right now, (Terezi) and the rest of the crew are in a state of transition, carried forward by the high-stakes manic momentum of chapter 8 into a new life with new rules without really knowing what that actually entails. i think their commitment to any idea of their role in that future is highly precarious, especially as we proceed out of that manic phase into what will, eventually, become the new normal. right now their motivations are all hypothetical, contingent, abstract. that is not enough in the long term. it will take something real, something personal, to get them not just to stay in Silverbark's company, but to live there. Silverbark has sown the seeds of these in each of her conversations with the core cast. but to paraphrase VV, their ultimate reason for choosing to do what they will do is theirs to decide.

it wouldn't take much to shake (Terezi) out of her present self-destructive funk. it's just that there aren't very many things that could, and most of them are on Earth C. the question for me going forward is, what will it take to transform (Terezi)'s present verve for becoming "a detective" from an elaborate larp into a genuine career conviction? she can't maintain her delusion of moral superiority without that. (Terezi)'s a real piece of work but i don't think she enjoys lying, even and perhaps especially to herself. but she is a serial lifelong liar-by-omission. the currency of her deception is silence.

and that's something that (Terezi) and Silverbark have in common.

my final note (dear god does this woman ever shut up) is on the characterization of Terezi. she obviously doesn't get many lines in this chapter, and that's interesting. I have a hard time imagining that even a medicated 30-something Terezi is particularly good at holding her tongue. part of it is just sheer practicality. there are ELEVEN characters with speaking roles in this chapter, and of those Terezi is the least... i don't want to say "important," because she IS important. least relevant, maybe? none of this interpersonal drama has anything to do with her. when you think about it, Terezi is in a similar position now to the one Silverbark was in when she returned to Earth C. older, wiser, fundamentally different, while simultaneously stepping into the role her less mature younger self occupied in all these people's lives. i think she recognizes that the only thing she can do in this situation is cause trouble, so she mostly avoids contributing altogether. her home base in the scene is Vriska, until at last the space opera drama mamas fuck off to their Very Important Story and she can safely make jokes again. wow, what a bitch. let's go get omelettes.

it'll be interesting to see (when we get to it, which will be a long time from now) how Terezi fits in with Jane and Karkat, and on Earth C in general. how will the media respond to her? how will culture at large respond to her? jesus christ man, it's gonna be such a fucking mess.

anyway, those are some rambling thoughts on Terezi and (Terezi)! i hope your thirst is sated, or at least that you didn't drown.

[ysphcpb]

I’m glad to see more love for SOTUS! I think it’s still one of the best-written series in terms of character development, especially when you include SOTUS S and Our Skyy since you get to see them and their relationship develop over several years.

I’ve always been confused by people who say Krist isn’t a good actor. Nuances aside, his actual personality (loud, energetic, extroverted) is nothing like Arthit’s, and he was very young and new to acting when he took on the role of Arthit (quiet, restrained, shy).

Can you talk about your favorite acting moment from him in any of the SOTUS parts?

Same here, SOTUS (+ sequels) is one of my favourite shows for so many reasons, and one of them is how coherent and organic the character development is. I feel glad to have found these characters and been able to follow their story ♡

I had actually seen some instances of irl Krist, also had seen him in I'm Tee Me Too (so I already knew he's definitely not a bad actor), but it was how he handled SOTUS' Arthit - a much more colorful character - that really impressed me. I did try to narrow it down but can't pick just one acting moment that I like most, so here is a list instead 😅

1) SOTUS - EP.7

The way his voice quavers took me by surprise when I first watched this. I realised then that Arthit wasn't only touched by what the freshmen did and finally recognised them as his juniors, but he was also probably emotional that his days as a headhazer were coming to an end. Might have been a great responsibility he got talked into taking, might have been the busiest months he'd had to juggle studies and hazing activities, and could not comfortablly be himself, but still an unforgettable and meaningful experience for both him, his friends and his juniors.

2) SOTUS - EP.13

I love Arthit's hesitation before finally asking his question. From how I see it, he was worried if Kong could accept him and his self-perceived bad sides, if their relationship could even work, and if it's worth this risk of losing whatever seniour-juniour bond they were already having. In my view, he wasn't just struggling to decide whether he wanted to and was ready to be with Kongpob or not, but also worried whether Kong was ready to be with him, as well.

3) SOTUS S - EP.3

I adore Krist's choice of expressions and line delivery here. Arthit stops midsentence, comes up with a way to go around it, then agrees with himself, as if genuinely expecting Kong to find it convincing (Kong does not). This scene makes me smile everytime, I can't help but wonder to myself how could a person be this endearing.

4) SOTUS S - EP.12

This was more of a Singto scene (👏👏), but I also love Krist's reactions a lot. That initial look of betrayal and hurt quickly softens, then he looks away, engrossed in thoughts again. The lack of Arthit's inner voice in the series gives so much room for interpretation, but I see this as Arthit's realisation that perhaps his way of showing love and how private he prefers their relationship to be has failed to make Kongpob feel loved and assured. And that perhaps he's even more unfit for Kong than he already thought.

5) SOTUS S - EP.12

I could easily see and feel Arthit's anxiety here, but also his determination. He's not avoiding or running away anymore, since the person he loves got hurt because of it. It isn't easy for someone like Arthit to announce their relationship in front of the whole company, many of whom do not know him that well and probably have been gossiping about them since the incident. I feel so proud and admire his courage a lot.

6) SOTUS S - EP.13

I love Arthit's excited smile and the loving way he looks at Kong here, it's not something we get to see often. It's so heartwarming to see Arthit beaming with happiness and so certain of their future, that there's really nothing to fear anymore as long as they have each other.

7) Our Skyy - Arthit Kongpob

I thought the change of expression after he closes the door here was spot on. For Kong's sake, Arthit couldn't allow himself to appear sad and only when he's alone that he finally breaks and lets it out. It must have been draining to act like nothing was wrong that whole evening, and I think Krist did a great job portraying this.

Honorable mention: this interview is too long to be called a moment, but I love every acting moment in it. I have a feeling that KS just memorised the gist of what they needed to say and ad-libbed the rest, but every word and reaction still came out so natural and authentic, as if I were watching actual Arthit and Kongpob doing an interview.

[deadn30n]

despite one very minor annoyance, i'm finishing off 2023 in the rpc in a pretty good place i gotta say

things have drastically changed from the years when i first began writing here ( probably around 2010 and beyond ) but not all of it is bad change. sure, the website is in shambles and all the old functions i was so familiar with are gone. the ease and comfort of old tumblr can only be found in xkit now, but... aside from that, i feel as though the website has actually significantly mellowed out from all those years ago. i mean i could sit here and list you off the horror stories from back then.... being irl stalked, being plagiarized, every day there'd be some kind of new senseless callout drowning out the actual predators, etc

i dunno things just feel.... different, and in a good way. i think every place has it's bad and it's good, but coming from someone who's been using this website now for almost 14 years, i can say that the good here far, FAR outweighs the negative by a significant amount. and now that i'm older with much more life experience under my belt, there's a lot less that affects me and i'm a lot less tolerant of the bullshit than what i used to put up with back then.

god i remember getting ridden with anxiety over the smallest of things, and now i'm like. if you've got a problem with me and you're too much of a coward to talk to me about it, then it just isn't my problem and i think that's a mindset that would benefit a lot of people tbh. you have to remember; you're not a mindreader and you can't solve any problems if someone isn't willing to bring it to you. it sounds a bit harsh BUT you are only one person and you can only do so much. communication is a two way street, and if someone isn't willing to make that first step, then why should you worry about it? it's not your problem, it's THEIR'S and it's their responsibility, not your own.

you can't fix something you aren't even aware of. and if there's one thing i've learned in the many, many years i've been on the internet, it's that if you want to keep healthy, long term friendships & relationships, you have to be willing and comfortable to voice your feelings with someone else as much as you have to be willing and comfortable enough to acknowledge when you've fucked up. to apologize and rectify that behaviour, and accept the consequences.

'cause if you can't, you're going to be stuck in a stasis for the rest of your life, and it's something i saw VERY RAMPANT back in the early days of the rpc on this site. people unwilling to communicate, and when they did, the other party unwilling to apologize or fix their behaviour. changing names, pronouns, aliases... the works. i'm sure it still happens, but i haven't observed much at all since being back other than having a dash full of very wonderful people. :> so thank you for making my dashboard such a lovely place, and thank you for letting me end 2023 in such a great spot ♥

idk what the point of this whole post was i was just rambling to myself mostly LMAO imma write now, i got plenty of time to since it's another rest day for all of us on the vacation pfff

[yujeong]

Question from the Fanfic Writers Ask Game:

11. What’s something neat you’ve learned while doing research for something you were writing? Also, how much do you worry about doing research in general?

I'm extremaly curious to know what type of fandom research people do and learn about their discoveries.

Hiiii! Thank you for taking interest in this, I appreciate you sending me the ask ❤️ Hmm, I have a weird relationship with research: I always feel I do 1. No research at all and 2. Not enough, when I acknowledge to myself I had to look up at least SOME things for my fics. In general, I am ignorant about a LOT of stuff, so research feels daunting and scary and even when I discover what I want to, I don't know how to incorporate that into my stories or if it's even correct information. I feel super self-conscious about it, which is why I normally don't write fics that require knowledge I'm not at all familiar with. Cowardly, sure, but the potential mistakes are too many for me to take that risk. (I'm learning though! The next fic I'll post will include some Thai cultural stuff related to Dharma that I had to thoroughly study about. I can only hope I won't screw it up.) Self-deprecation aside, I'm going to share some of the stuff I had to research for my fics - posted or not - to help people understand what I mean:

1. I had to look up various medical facts about stabbing (how deadly it is, how much time someone needs to heal etc), due to a scene that involved one in The Knight's Pawn, 2. I looked up videos of Muay Thai sparring matches in order to be able to write a sparring match in The Knight's Pawn - as well as see the differences from western boxing. Muay Thai is also something I've researched for another fic and to properly understand Pete as a character, 3. I had to look up sooo many chess terms for The Knight's Pawn, specifically for the chapter titles and summaries. Fun fact, the title of the fic makes no sense in chess; I told my irl friend who plays chess as an amateur about it and he proceeded to lose his mind lmao, 4. This will sound silly probably, but I studied Bangkok's map in order to be able to figure out a driving path for a trip down memory lane. I specifically wanted to figure out the distance between the main and minor family compounds (fun fact, it's approximately 15 minutes by car and 1 hour via public transport). I also looked up Lumphini Park and it's how I found out about dragon lizards! Very cool creatures, I wouldn't go near one ever, though, 5. I don't know if this one counts, but for the things you can(not) change, I had to watch Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox around 5 times in order to be able to portray the parallels correctly haha, 6. Since just a mission was based on ApoBuild's Bvlgari event, I looked up the venue it took place in, which is Icon Siam near Chao Phraya River, one of the most famous shopping malls in Bangkok, 7. For To Consume and Be Consumed's 1st chapter I had to... um... look up if it's possible for someone to not get an erection even if both the prostate and the penis are stimulated for a long period of time. The results suggested it is, so I tried to not stress over it too much 😅 The reception of the chapter was a lot better than I anticipated too, so I was happy with it, 8. Now, to start off about the fics that haven’t been posted yet and to remain in the spirit of the horny, I've looked up about autoerotic asphyxiation, if it's safe to use ice cream during sex (it isn't), if it's safe to have sex when someone is sick (it depends), the effects of GHB and how damaging a human bite can be (a lot if it's not treated immediately due to the bacteria in our mouths), 9. In the same realm, I've done a LOT of studying about La Pietà, the famous sculpture by our boy Michelangelo, so much so that for a while I couldn't escape it - I was seeing it everywhere. I'll keep the reasons for doing such research hidden for now, but it does involve smut xoxo, 10. I've only scratched the surface for this one, but I have begun studying about chronic pain for a post-canon VP fic I want to write. It doesn't involve smut and I don't think it will, but you never know, 11. Again, idk if it counts, but I've read Uzumaki for a NonWhite/TeeWhite fic I want to write one day, in order to draw parallels and whatnot. I'm very into parallels in case you haven't noticed haha, 12. Last, but certainly not least, the most difficult thing I've been researching and will probably never stop researching is Buddhism. To truly get Pete, you need to understand even the basics of Dharma and there are just so many things I don't know about it. Baby steps, but I'm getting there.

[sweet-milky-tea705]

RANDOM OC QUESTIONS REG( @bananacockatiel ) ASKED LIKE 2 YEARS AGO LETS GO.

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What does your oc smell like?

Mollie smells like leather/smoke, but also a little floral bc she uses scented soap.

Yasenia smells herbal and earthy. Ts yasenia smells the same but smellier bc shes in touchstarved

Ocs fave food?

Mollie likes bourbon chicken or anything adjacent over rice.

Yasenia likes pretty much any stew or curry with steak in it

what stereotypical clique would your oc fall into in highschool

Mollie would be a big gossip lol. But also in athletics so idk?? Jock ? Is that what this question means ?

Yasenia would be a nerd. But also very liked by the people around her bc shes sweet. Definitely was more introverted back then though

relationship experience?

Mollie has a lot of relationship experience. In terms of serious ones though ? Not a whole lot. Shes also like 43 though so LOL

Yasenia has a little relationship experience. She was left hurt a lot, so she tends to steer away from getting too close emotionally, especially ts yasenia

what's the favorite flower of your mc??

Mollie: magnolia/hydrangeas

Yasenia: forget-me-nots/blueberry blossoms

your oc's fave body part of theirs

Mollie: she really likes her back, gotta flex in the mirror before she gets in the shower LOL

Yasenia: she lovesss her tail so much(dnd) and ts yasenia really likes her hair. The whole curse thing has made it hard to think about parts of herself she actually likes

what is the meaning of your oc name? Or what is the reference/motivation behind their name?

Mollie: uh. The drug. The inspo was in fact molly bc i wanted her to be a kinda trashy possum lesbian. Which she is and i love her. Her character has changed a lot since then though

Yasenia: i made it up. Sorta. I wanted a name with a Y and i made her very quickly so i used a site and then changed some letters or something

what's their love language and why

Mollie: acts of service and physical touch !!! She loves to make things and do little things for people and she also is just really physically affectionate

Yasenia: honestly same as mollie. Ts yasenia is less touch oriented though for obvious reasons

Oc's relationship with family?

Mollie: bad. Her mom is dead, dad left, and little brother is kinda busy and withdrawn

Yasenia: good. parents are alive, no siblings, she loves them a lot but they have their troubles sometimes. She feels like they wont ever fully accept her curse(dnd) and yasenia feels like theyre rejecting a core part of her. She doesnt want a cure. Overall good though. Ts yasenia never met her parents so…

Who are the most important people (or person singular) to your oc?

Mollie: for a long time it was (LL) tari and mollie’s brother since he was her only remaining family but over time when he got his bearings and left, she kinda kept to herself. Then after tari cheated, it got worse. Then elowen came into the picture and its elowen final answer.

Yasenia: Her parents, (dnd)mentor, and (dnd) tari are the most important to her. For touchstarved though ? Shes on her own completely. Never met her parents and due to her curse she couldnt get close to anyone except the alchemist mentor who betrayed her.

If you met your oc irl would you get along?

If i met any of my ocs in person i would shit myself. But assuming i wasnt aware i made them and we were strangers, yeah totally. Theyre both social and compassionate people, not hard to get along with.

Oc's hobbies?

Mollie has a lot of hobbies ! She does leatherworking, blacksmithing, baking, some light woodwork, fitness stuff and weapons training,,, and being gay in taverns.

Yasenia is a magic user in both universes and mostly does that stuff. Her dnd magic is more faith and herbal based. Healing magic and whatnot mostly. Her alchemy stuff in touchstarved is different. She knows how to make and recognize poison but also little protection spells and such. Her mentor sucked

what's a lie that they tell the most?

Mollie’s is probably that she doesnt care. She tells it to herself more than anyone. Also that she didnt mean to do something she absolutely did on purpose.

Yasenia’s is hard. Shes very honest and vocal about everything. Cant lie easily at all. But her main one Is probably saying that shes not worried

specifically for the OCs with siblings, what's their sibling dynamic?

Mollie is the bully older sister who also protects her brother at all costs. Theres a 5 year gap between them so its a given

Yasenia has no siblings but in dnd she would play with the kids at the cave village thing. Her snow leopard thing made it fun. She had a very playful dynamic with the kids there and many of them see her as an older sister

favorite drink ?

Mollie likes ciders !! Like spiced apple and stuff. Preferably spiked

Yasenia likes teas of all kinds, she hasnt tried cider ^ but she would love it. Tea is her fav though

how are they with kids?

Both are good, neither really want kids though.

Can your oc cook? if so, what's their favorite dish to make?

Mollie can !! She likes to make soup and desserts bc theyre the most fun. Her fav food is still bourbon chicken though.

Yasenia cant cook. Like at all. She can mix potions and alchemical compounds and stuff with ease but you will never see someone fuck up an easy dish as well as her.

what is their best childhood memory?

Mollie: she used to catch frogs and play in the woods a lot as a kid before moving to porrima. Always covered in an insane amount of mud and leaves. She liked to try and make things out of sticks like lizard houses and swords and castles. Those were very happy days

Yasenia: she would run through the mountain valleys in her snow leopard form a lot as a kid. She would come home covered in bits of plant and burrs, smelling like wildflowers, she remembers that the most. She liked to catch bugs a lot too. Her parents remember the horror of yasenia coming home with a live cicada in her mouth.