#i have experienced maybe all of these at one point or another and can confirm I've done similar things to combat it in a lot of them!

[steddiealltheway]

After Eddie seems to become a staple member of the group, Steve pulls him aside and says, "Hey, I just wanted to warn you that I can be a bit bitchy at times, and don't be afraid to tell me if I ever go too far. Dustin calls me out all the time."

Eddie softly smiles and lays a gentle hand on Steve's arm. "My friends have to tell me when I go too far with flirting, so you can call me out on that too. No worries."

Steve's head spins a bit. Eddie 'The Freak' Munson goes too far when flirting? He snorts. "I don't think you'd ever go too far with me."

Eddie's head tilts to the side as he takes Steve in. "You don't believe me." It's more of a statement than a question.

"I don't," Steve confirms. "But hey, I'll let you know if something you say makes me cream my pants."

Eddie smiles wide. "You know, my words might not, but I know something else that will if you're down later."

Steve feels himself take in an involuntary deep breath as the shock reaches his system. Instead of letting Eddie in on it, he leans in and says, "I'll let you know."

Eddie's eyes flicker down to his lips, and Steve is reminded of the hand on his arm as it squeezes hard for a moment. "You're so damn pretty, big boy. Would love to see you absolutely wrecke-"

"Guys."

Steve's head whips around to where the rest of the group is staring at them. He's not sure when they racked up an audience.

"Steve here said I couldn't go too far with the flirting. I'm giving him a first-hand experience with it," Eddie says shamelessly while wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

"I still don't think you can," Steve says turning to him which is the wrong thing to do because he didn't realize how close Eddie was to him.

The other boy takes advantage of it and leans in a little closer, brushing his nose against Steve's. "Is that a challenge?"

His heart beats hard in his chest, but Steve isn't one to back down, so he lets his hand come up to cup Eddie's jaw. "If you want it to be," he replies.

Eddie seems to falter a bit at this, and his own breathing rate increases.

"Guys," Dustin says again but more exasperated.

Steve turns to him and quickly says, "One more interruption and I'll throw you through another gate."

"Woah, too far," Dustin says, pointing at him and Eddie, "Both of you."

Steve holds his hands up and takes a step away from Eddie. “Alright. Okay. I’m sorry. Too far.”

Dustin nods and turns back to the group.

Steve thinks that’s the end of things until Eddie leans in and whispers, “We’ll chat later, sweetheart.”

He tries not to have a physical reaction to him. He doesn’t know why his flirting is taking him so off guard. But it’s nice to have someone who can keep up with the Harrington charm.

Maybe.

Later that night, Steve is surprised when Eddie doesn’t stick behind and keep his promise. But it gives him a minute to breathe after all the flirty winks and innocent fleeting touches whenever Eddie would pass him.

He tries to just shake it off as a normal reaction to being the target of such intense flirting that he's not sure he's ever experienced before. But it feels like something more than that.

He sleeps it off and doesn't think much of it especially when he gets into his Family Video routine. Then, the bell to the front door rings, and Steve launches into his, "Welcome to Family Video," speech which is quickly cut off when he sees Eddie walk in.

Nothing is really different except he has his hair pulled back into a messy bun that makes Steve's hands flex wanting to touch. Shit.

"Hi gorgeous," Eddie says with a bright smile, leaning across the counter.

Steve feels a blush creep up his neck and spread across his face. "Hi," he replies. Then he remembers their little challenge and doesn't hold back from reaching up, tucking a stray curly strand behind Eddie's ear. "You should wear your hair like this more often. Lets me see more of you."

It's Eddie's turn to blush as he glances down with a soft smile.

"So, what brings you in today? Not that I'm complaining, I would take any excuse to see that pretty face of yours," Steve says, laying it on heavy.

Eddie snorts as if he's joking.

Steve uses his hand to softly tilt Eddie's jaw so he can look at him. "I'm not kidding," he insists, rubbing his thumb over his bottom lip slowly. Shit, he has such soft lips.

Eddie's lips move forward as if on impulse, quickly kissing the pad of his finger. His eyes widen, and Steve sees the way both of their breath hitch in their chests.

"Too far?" Eddie asks quietly.

"Not even close."

Eddie holds his gaze for a moment, searching for something. He must not find it because he pulls back a bit, putting more space between them than Steve wants. "I was just stopping by to see you," Eddie confesses.

"Yeah? Why's that?" Steve asks with a smile.

Eddie shrugs. "Just wanted to."

It takes Steve back a bit. He was expecting some sort of line, but the response sounds entirely genuine. He doesn't know how to respond.

Eddie fidgets with his rings for a moment before saying, "Well, I'll see you later." He turns quickly and leaves before Steve has a chance to respond.

"Okay, what the hell was that?" Robin asks, startling Steve.

"Shit," Steve says, laying a dramatic hand over his chest. "How long have you been listening?"

"Considering I've been literally right behind you this entire shift and you guys didn't even try to make that a private conversation, I listened the whole time."

Steve runs a hand through his hair and says, "I basically challenged him yesterday to try to be too much when he flirts because apparently he can do that. But yeah, it's no big deal." He smiles and shakes his head as if it's clear as day that this is not affecting him at all.

Robin stares at him for a second before jabbing her finger into his chest repeatedly. "Don't you lie to me! I'm your best friend! You were totally flirting back and you got flustered! No one does that to you!"

"Ow!" Steve says, backing away after a particularly hard jab. "Okay! Okay! Yes, it's flustering me a bit, but I've never had someone who could keep up with me."

"Gross."

Steve rolls his eyes. "You know what I mean."

He resumes stacking his tapes until Robin scoots in next to him and says, "You know, it's okay if it's more than that."

Steve pauses and thinks about it. Is it more than that? He shakes his head and whispers, "I don't know if it is."

Robin's arms slowly wrap around his waist, and Steve leans his head on top of hers. Maybe the flirting has gone too far already, but he doesn't want it to end. And that's a scary thought.

He finishes out his shift, thinking about what Robin said while trying to interpret his own feelings. After they close, Steve drives Robin home and heads back to his house. Only, he makes a split-second decision and takes a different turn, heading toward Eddie's new place.

Might as well figure this out now.

He rushes to the side of his new trailer and taps on his bedroom window. The curtains open and Eddie looks at him confused. Steve mouthes Is your uncle home?

Eddie shakes his head and points to the front door before closing the curtains.

Steve rushes to the door and steps inside as soon as Eddie opens it. He closes it behind him and looks at Eddie. God, his heart races even when he doesn't say anything.

"Hi," Steve says with a big smile.

"Hi," Eddie replies, pulling his hair in front of his face.

"No bun?" Steve asks.

"I can put it up if you like."

Steve shakes his head. "No, it looks great."

Eddie smiles and steps closer to him, running a hand through Steve's hair. "Not everyone can have such luscious hair as you."

Steve closes his eyes and leans into the hand. It feels nice.

"So, are you taking me up on my offer from before?" Eddie asks.

Steve opens his eyes and takes in the flirtatious glint in his eyes. "Depends on what you're offering."

Eddie moves in closer and puts his hands in his pockets. "Anything that you'd like."

Steve wraps his arms around Eddie's shoulders and flirts back, "Anything?"

Eddie's hands wrap around his waist. "Anything."

"Kiss me then."

Eddie freezes in his arms, the flirtatious look leaving his face as he looks at him. "Steve..."

"Too far?" Steve asks, not stepping back.

Eddie looks at his lips and back at his eyes. "You know I could never say no to you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Eddie says, leaning forward, brushing his nose against Steve's. He waits a moment and whispers, "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes," Steve says, moving forward to meet Eddie, connecting their lips in a kiss that makes Steve realize this is definitely more than just a challenge.

His hands move into Eddie's hair, trying to bring him closer as Eddie's hands trail up and down his back, pressing into him.

Steve breaks the kiss, breathing deeply before going right back in, deepening the kiss when he feels Eddie's tongue trace the seam of his lips.

Shit, he needs to make sure this isn't just him flirting.

He slows the kiss and gently pulls away, only for Eddie to kiss him again, pulling him in even closer, only breaking away when Steve breaks the kiss again and rests his forehead against Eddie's.

Eddie squeezes his eyes shut and says, "Please, let me just stay in this a little longer before it has to end."

Steve's heart thuds in his chest as he works up the courage to ask, "Does it have to end?"

Eddie slowly pulls away and looks at him. "Steve, that was too far and we both know it."

"What if it wasn't?" Steve asks.

Eddie looks at him with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and maybe even sorrow. "It was for me."

Oh. Steve steps back a bit and nods, running both his hands through his hair. He pauses and looks at Eddie who looks unbelievably scared. There's no way he thinks that he didn't enjoy that... right? "Eddie-"

"Don't, Steve. It's fine. I won't tell anyone."

Steve shakes his head and steps forward, only for Eddie to step back in fear. "Eddie, you can't seriously think this was just me seeing how flirtatious you can be, right? At least, that's not what it was to me."

"It's not?"

"No," Steve says and steps forward again, "Look, I don't know what changed, but from the first moment you started flirting with me, it's felt like more than a challenge. And yes, maybe it's been less than a full day since then, but I really like you. And I don't want the flirting to be fake anymore."

Eddie takes a second to process what he's saying then asks, "This isn't flirting going way too far, right?"

Steve shakes his head. "No."

Eddie smiles. "So, you're saying that my flirting worked?"

"If you agree to go on a date with me, then yes."

Eddie's face lights up. "I'll say yes if you still promise to tell me if it ever goes too far."

"Like I said, I don't think it ever could."

"And I think it can, my fuzzy wuzzy bear."

Steve's nose scrunches in disgust while Eddie stares at him with a manic smile, waiting to hear his reaction. "Okay! Too far! That was horrible."

"I know," Eddie says with a laugh. "And you still want to go out with me?"

"Yes," Steve says without hesitation, "But please, no more horrible nicknames or I'll find out what's too far for you."

Eddie winks. "I look forward to it."

Steve laughs while shaking his head before he pulls Eddie into another kiss.

And while Eddie never really goes too far with Steve, the kids and Robin chime in often to alert Eddie when they've had enough. But it never seems to stop him.

[ssahotchnerr]

Mom!friend reader bringing everyone cute lunches at the bau with personalized little notes for each person 😭 maybe hotch doesn’t even know that you do this for the others too so when someone mentions readers cooking, he’s like “wat”

personalized

ADORABLE cw; bau!fem!reader, established relationship, mentions of food, fluff and aaron being cute <3

the pace at which aaron was moving must've been more intense than he intended and realized; as he hurried past jj's desk, the small draft that followed caused a small piece of paper to flutter to the ground.

uttering an apology, aaron immediately reached down to pick it up. however it had landed face up, and his eyebrows furrowed in small confusion as he caught a glimpse of its contents.

your familiar handwriting kept his eyes, instead of peering away as he normally would - 'my sweet jj! thank you so much for your help on the arizona case file, you're a total lifesaver and your expertise is always appreciated, hope you know that. enjoy <3 ps - your new lavender sweater is the cutest. must plan a shopping day w/ pen soon!'

aaron's eyebrows stayed in that confused line, his eyes shifting up to jj's in a silent question.

"came with the cookies." jj answered for him, pointing her head towards the tupperware container perched on her desktop.

instantly aaron's mind made the connection - so that's why you were up late baking. that made more sense; the time you had spent baking was much too long for the small plateful quantity he had found reserved for him and jack this morning.

"pretty girl sure knows how to cook." derek added into the conversation as he approached the cluster of desks, raising his hand to pat aaron on the back but stopped himself halfway - aaron shot him a pointed look, hiding his own amusement, while jj attempted to conceal her smile with her palm.

another eyebrow furrow. "and when have you had her cooking?"

"here and there. always comes with a note too. i could just about fill a desk drawer with how many i have." derek admitted, with his signature, vivid grin. "she may be yours, we get special treatment too, y'know."

a bit later, you strolled into aaron's office, juggling numerous files in your hands.

"as requested," you started, dropping them firmly onto aaron's desk. "five action reports, minus dave's. he told me when you're as experienced and italian as he is, you can slack off and kinda get away with it. but i think that's his fancy way of admitting he's old." you joked with a eye roll.

"thank you," aaron flashed you a smile, sorting through his current papers. assuming that was all, you spun on your heel to head out and return to the everlasting joy of paperwork, but, aaron's voice stopped you.

"hey hold it, c'mere a sec."

you pulled back one of the chairs in front of hiss desk, the legs producing a scraping noise against the floorboards, but aaron gestured for you to come around. your eyes darted in the direction of his open blinds, then back at him. 'you sure?'

aaron nodded in confirmation. and if you needed any more convincing, once in reach you were pulled onto his lap, his hold on you tight.

if he wasn't being a stickler on the open affection, neither were you; you relaxed yourself against him just as you would normally, your body melting into his and throwing your arms loosely around his neck. "what's up?"

"i didn't know you wrote the team notes."

"oh," you laughed softly, with a light shake of your head. by habit your fingers ran along the skin of aaron's neck, scratching the nape of his hair gently. "yeah, if i bring in lunch or a treat or something. or both. or sometimes just because. an appreciation reminder."

aaron nodded, his fingers drumming against your hip comfortably.

"that's not a problem, is it?"

"well," aaron pretended to think, his hand changing motions and sliding up and down your side, "yes."

"actually?" you blurted as your own fingers paused. that wasn't the answer you expected, and it caused a rush of nervous heat to pool within you. until, you saw the feigned, solemn expression on his face.

aaron peered down at you, his playful eyes canceling out the forced pout on his lips. under his breath, he mumbled humorously, "i thought i was the only one getting notes."

you laughed brightly, the joy within the sound immediately bringing a smile to aaron's lips. "oh don't worry, they don't get the lipstick smooch on theirs. that's reserved for you and you only."

"i would hope not."

"or the, occasional... explicitness."

"again, i would hope not." aaron laughed again. his lips graced your temple, lingering gently as he spoke, "you're sweet."

"a very wise, very attractive person once said, 'people need to know they're important'." your lips quirked into a loving smile, a glint in your eyes. "thought this would be an easy way - i learned from the best."

[vesora]

dealing with fear of abandonment through LOA + general tips

personal backstory / long post ahead

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.” ― Neville Goddard, Your Faith is Your Fortune

as a child, my needs were not met and therefore, i developed a schema that people were meant to disappoint me and leave me and my relationships, both platonic and romantic reflected EXACTLY that.

countless times, i was ‘left’ without any reason, always strengthening the notion i had always felt that people were meant to abandon me. even if i was close to someone, i would still engage in self-sabotaging behaviours when i felt disappointed by the expectations i had set for them. feeling this lack of control when it came to relationships because i was so deathly afraid of being left alone; of disappointing the other. not putting myself first because i felt the only sense of worth i had was through whether another found me worthy. this is all very hard for me to say of course, im a private person but i felt maybe someone at least needed to hear this. my parent would be nice at one point and disinterested in the other, i felt i had to work to gain their approval and for them to be nice to me all the time. i needed them to view me as perfect, so they wouldn’t leave me. but guess what guys? thats stupid, bcos fuck perfection.

in my abandonment activation strategies/self-sabotaging behaviours, my body would go into a state of desperation, in dire need of any sort of relief and safety, crying my heart out because i was so scared, leaving people because i was scared of being left first. being scared i was being clingy by asking for reassurance which in turn sends me into another frenzy, isolating myself from people so i have no chances to be hurt, feeling resentment when someone doesnt meet my expectations/needs through no fault of their own. my inner child would just take over my body, repeating the same distress i experienced as a kid. 

but i am not a kid anymore. i am a well-functioning adult and i cannot continue this abandonment schema. so what do i do?

i use loa. 

how to use loa + general tips for this:

recognise that everything and everyone is you pushed out. your relationships play out the way you assume they will. this is not to say at all what happened when you were a child was your fault. we are not to blame. our needs were simply not met.

change the way you view relationships, no matter how hard it may be. if everyone is just us, how can anyone else abandon us? not even that, why would anyone leave us? we are amazing and fun and good people

be someone YOU are proud of, irrespective of what other people think. all is mind, so why do you think you need to impress someone who’s just another part of you? a part that can easily be molded

you are not clingy. you are not desperate. you are not unworthy. you are not unlovable. repeat affirmations that you are lovable. that you deserve to have your needs met. that everyone meets your needs. that you never feel abandoned. that you love yourself unconditionally. YOU are on the pedestal, NOT anyone else.

if someone is emotionally unavailable, this DOES NOT mean they do not love or care about you! they might be busy, not be well-versed with showing emotions in a healthy way, express their love in a different way than yours or they may simply be going through something in their lives right now. 

when this happens, you can talk to the person about it and usually in my experience, the person understands and reassures me that they still love me and that we are okay. if a person is not willing to make sure you are okay, maybe rethink their position in your lives. you are the pedestal, not them. now just because someone reassures you doesn’t mean you don’t work on yourself. you do work on yourself through LOA and useful strategies.

take deep belly breaths when you feel yourself get triggered. it is okay. you are going to be okay, i promise. the next day im sure you will feel fine. it is not the end of the world, i promise you. the world IS you. just change it.

reassure your inner child and your adult self that you are okay now. you are the best version of yourself right now. you are safe. you are secure. you are not in danger. your life is in YOUR hands. YOU are in control. YOU created this life. the only way to change it is within.

if you feel impatient and you want things to change IMMEDIATELY, i.e. when youre having a panic attack, take deep breaths and remember this is temporary. remember you are in control of what happens but also do not be attached to any outcome, just have faith that everything works out in your favour.

if you feel resentment when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, do NOT use strategies to hurt them or leave them. just calm down and view them with a gaze of love. transmute this feeling of resentment and abandonment to love and understanding, you can even visualise it. they still love you, you can manifest them to love you the way you want to idk but still they love you! don’t try to make them jealous, don’t distance yourself, don’t do whatever you do to get ‘revenge’ idk, it is NOT healthy. it only hurts YOU in the end. plus, LOA dictates the way people act with you is a reflection of yourself, so all you need to do is change self.

no matter what, KNOW you are loved. even if your body is freaking out and wants to flee, tell yourself in the moment it will pass. it has to. your trauma trigger reactions are NOT you. 

it may be hard to believe that someone loves you. for me, i felt like i was delusional. that i was kidding myself, because how dare i assume someone loves me? that’s why i kept seeking external reassurance for any semblance of love because i was not giving that reassurance to myself internally. and when someone didn’t give me that reassurance in the 3d, i’d freak out, even though i had manifested it unknowingly. how can i go to the 3d and ask for love when everything, good and bad, is within me? as the creator, how can i not tell myself i am worthy of love and that people close to me love me? how can i not believe that when all is me? it is a bit stupid to think like that, no? well i did, and to an extent i still do. but i’m recovering. i deserve to live a life where i am not constantly afraid. i deserve to live a life where i can speak with confidence that someone loves me. it is hard for me, even now, but i know i will get through it, as will you. 

let’s be brazenly impudent together, shall we?

“Dare to believe in the reality of your assumption and watch the world play its part relative to to its fulfillment.” ― Neville Goddard

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I invite everybody who took the other users side in that situation to find me a single situation where I was fatphobic and or went out of my way to be cruel or malicious to another user. After these crickets end, I'd like to invite the OP to prove that my reblog asking what their post means caused them hundreds of harassing messages in mere minutes, like they claimed. I will wait.

They posted one single message they got, from a person who wasn't a follower of mine and who responded to them after another user reblogged their post, which was confirmed by that other user. Before they closed their replies and closed themselves in an echochamber of people agreeing with them, I checked the notes a final time and though they did get criticism, as did I (and you all do know I listen to you and hear you and am always, ALWAYS open to conversation), those hundreds of messages of hate were nowhere to be seen.

Do you know why I know for sure they're lying about getting soooooooo much hate because of me? First of all, I've never cultivated a bullying culture on my blog. My followers can attest to that. I never supported users brigading for me. I don't have a cult following either way, but you can say I even discourage brigading. I always ask my followers not to fight others on my behalf. Not that it's necessary, because no one can say I get into drama often. Since making this blog, I can count maybe 5 situations that would be considered 'situations' to begin with. I don't have fans. I have bloggers that enjoy the content I post.

But secondly and more conclusively easily proven with numbers, I simply don't have that reach, nor do I have that many followers who are both active and fatphobic. I don't support fatphobia. I spoke out against fatphobia on this site. I've experienced it myself and I know how hurtful it is. My activity for this blog is abysmal due to me all but abandoning OTID in throes of my mental health battles. My posts get maybe 300 notes in total, over a 1000 if they're a hit reblog but that's it.

Hundreds of hate messages in minutes? Very unlikely. I'm not ashamed to admit OTID isn't what it used to be and that's completely on me and it's completely fine. My struggles stopped me from giving you the best possible OTID experience that you could've gotten and I feel very sorry for that, but I can be realistic and admit that this blog is just not that active anymore, and that's okay. All things die out with time. Lying on me wont change the facts that you're lying.

I also invite the people who say I should've known better and that my intent was unclear in asking the question, to explain about what I should have known better and to prove I was somehow malicious. Why would I be malicious? Why would I attack OP in the way they claim I did? When do I ever do that? How does that even make sense? You can still go through the notes and see that after I asked them for an explanation, nobody attacked them. You can also see that the OP went out of their way to attack me, while they explained calmly to another user what they meant.

What makes us different? Neither one of us understood. I can't read tones online, neither can that other user. I also am not a native speaker, so I sometimes get things wrong, hence why I asked. Why do they deserve kindness and I am accused of ill-intent for asking the same thing? Their replies and notes were off. I couldn't see the replies. This isn't Twitter. If you close those things off, other users don't see them and can't know you've made them. Why would anyone post things publicly but not expect a public response from anyone else?

I'd understand if I was attacking OP and they reacted like this, but I wasn't. My response wasn't malicious. I asked the source to explain, because I didn't understand. How is that malicious? To the people who say they see their point, please explain, because I do not see it and I really want to know. How is me genuinely asking what something that I don't understand means malicious? Even after publicly saying that I actually agree with a lot of things they said on their blog about fatphobia and so on. Supporting the cause? Understanding their points? Agreeing? I'm malicious?

I would also like to invite the people who claim I asked them in a known and rude/malicious meme format kind of way to prove that I did that. I did not know of this meme you speak of, but after checking for it online and finding the "well-known meme format" that was mentioned (which wasn't that well-known since I've never heard of it), my wording was not the same. It wasn't even close. So this argument, how can you claim it to be true?

And lastly, can anyone sincerely tell me how does it make sense for me to suddenly have a complete personality change, decide to reblog something to troll a user I don't even know just to be cruel to them, suddenly be malicious and fatphobic and be a completely different person that you all have known me to be for the past six years? If that was really who I am, wouldn't have the masked slipped way sooner? Why would I pretend to be not a complete POS all this time to have "What does this mean?" hill to die on? This is silly.

I wasn't being fatphobic. I wasn't mocking OP. I wasn't attacking OP. I wasn't being 'snarky'. I simply asked them what something they said meant, because I didn't understand what they meant. My brain wasn't computing. I didn't get their wording. I stumbled upon their post on the explore page, and wasn't seeking them out to antagonize them or anything else they might have claimed. I don't like hurting people. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. If I do hurt somebody I want to do everything in my power to correct it.

My followers weren't harassing them after that question. The OP didn't receive hundreds of hate messages after that question. OP is lying and it's easily to prove that they are. I don't know why they're lying and I'm not willing to get into that because I can't even assume, but one thing is clear - OP had a disproportionate reaction to a question that shouldn't have warranted such a reply. They doubled down and continued claiming victimhood in a situation where they haven't been victimized.

I genuinely feel sorry for them. I believe they've been victimized before. I know this sounds patronizing, but I really do feel sorry for them. I just don't appreciate that they've decided to do a victim cosplay over this and tried to villainize me for asking this question:

Ending this with my final thoughts: fatphobia is real and hurts people. I don't support fatphobia. I don't stand for it. I've met a lot of fatphobes in my life and all of them were deeply hurtful and insecure people who took out their insecurities on others. Here on OTID we don't vibe with shaming people for their weight nor for how they look. Fat people are people. Skinny people are people. We're all the same on the inside, bones and organs. What matters is how we treat others. I want to spend my days treating others with kindness and receiving kindness back. I like putting smiles on people's faces, not hurting others. I do get it wrong sometimes, and I acknowledge that, but I always try to correct myself, learn and be a better person. I admit when I'm wrong.

If this is my hill to die on, then so be it. But I promise you that I did not reblog OP's post and asked that question to make fun of them or invite harassment to them. I can't believe I even have to repeat this so many times, but I was asking because I didn't understand. I stand behind everything I've said. If your claim to fame is trying to fight me, you highly overestimate how many active followers I have and the kind of community you'll find here. If you want to cancel me for being fatphobic, I'm sorry to say but the only person I've ever been cruel to and who I've bodyshamed was my own self.

[infinitelyprecious]

An autistic person's view on the scene where Aylin decided to open up to the group.

2 disclaimers: 1) Aylin is not confirmed/canonically autistic (afaik), however she heavily reads as one to me, hence why I'm writing this specifically from an autistic pov. 2) I am just one singular autistic person, I do not speak for all of us as a whole, if you're autistic and have different view on this, that is valid.

Part of all this is teenagers being teenagers and I don't expect them to have the knowledge or life experience to handle situations like these particularly well, so this is more me getting my own thoughts and feelings in order. Maybe it can be educational in a way. I'm withholding judgment on how the show itself is handling Aylin's story until the show has finished airing.

Aylin goes to talk with the group, bless her brave heart.

Ton, the smart-ass, asks why Aylin acts like an alien when she knows her loved ones don't see her like that. I get that the writers wanted her to explain at some point why she identifies with aliens specifically, but please, for the love of all that is good, do not say something like this.

This question only shows that her friends in fact, do see her as an alien. They don't accept her like she is, they ask her why she is the way that she is. It keeps boiling down to "Why is she not like us?"

She might be different from the rest of the group, but she is normal. There's nothing abouts her that needs to be fixed. If she wants to learn more social skills for example, that is completely fine. However, it should not be a requirement. And if she wants to learn, patience is important.

Social settings with neurotypical people tend to be overwhelming and use up a lot of energy for autistic people. It's important to go slow and respect her declines if she doesn't feel up to socializing. The last thing you want is for someone to feel like they have to mask or for them to experience a meltdown as a result.

Aylin answers that humans being unfriendly is the reason she 'acts like an alien'. She's been made to feel like she is not welcome, like she isn't just another human worthy of love and respect. It's very understandable for her to then want to remove herself from her human identity and look for friends in other-worldly beings. They don't bully.

It's interesting to me that the whole group stays silent when Alpha asks who did something to her. Did they forget about Aylin shoving a plate in Ton's face or do they think she was in the wrong there?

Because she wasn't. It was visible in her body language and verbal declines that she was uncomfortable and yet they pushed her.

It tends to be harder for autistic folk to handle unexpected situations. Reactions like that are very normal if you get an autistic person into a situation that is overwhelming. They'll go into their fight or flight and things go wrong. That is not their fault.

Aylin goes on to explain what happened and Mawin finishes her sentence for her. Or rather, speaks his conclusion before Ailyn is finished talking. I think this is pretty common decency, but don't talk over people when they are trying to tell you something, especially when they are being vulnerable. Even if they talk slower (which Aylin didn't do, but it's something I've experienced a lot). Please bite your tongue and let people finish talking.

Ton, again, says something he shouldn't have, but thankfully Luna steps in this time.

Then Sun. "Do you know that those who bully and harass people are not actually humans?" The main problem I have with this sentence is that it feels belittling. This might just be a me thing, but the way she says it comes across as if she's pointing out that Aylin's perception of the situation is incorrect.

But they are humans, shitty ones, but still humans and Aylin has every right to view humans as a whole as untrustworthy, because that has likely been her experience. The thing I would've preferred here, would be to jump directly to saying those bullies are garbage. That would've come across more validating.

After this, the friends exchange a couple sentences about how to handle bullies. Which is lovely, except, they talk about Aylin as if she isn't there. She just bore her heart - comfort her. Talk about how to handle bullies later, don't let her swim in the discomfort of vulnerability.

Then Sun goes to touch Aylin?!?!? Again, Aylin is visibly uncomfortable. Please, please, if someone is uncomfortable to be touched, do not touch them. Also, ask! Ask for consent. Again, probably a common decency thing, but the amount of times I've had people go like yeah no worries, but then still touch me is high up. A casual hand on the shoulder is still touch, a handshake is still touch.

Related to that is personal space. Some people's, like Aylin's, personal space is big. They need a good distance from other people in order to be comfortable. If there is one thing I can ask of you it's to try and be observant of that. So that if someone takes a step away from you, you don't step closer again, but allow them their space.

I've had conversations with people about personal space and somehow it blows people's mind that I am most comfortable when there is a significant bigger amount of space between us than they would initially think. Please try to leave space between you and other people. For some people physical closeness is severely overwhelming and it makes it significantly harder to navigate our daily lives.

I do love Ongsa specifically saying Aylin can hangout and eat with them. Often times when you've spend your entire live being non-verbally rejected, it's very hard to feel like you are wanted somewhere. You're always looking for signs that people don't want you there. Having it specifically confirmed that someone does want you there, can be very assuring.

Ton. I would like for Ton to not talk for a while lol. On the surface it might sound nice that someone wants to start a club that is a safe space for other bullied kids, but it is a very look-at-me-saving-people thing to do. It's not treating someone as your friend, it's making a charity project out of their hardship. I get the thought process, but please don't.

I don't really have a conclusion or anything, so I'm going to leave it at this. If you have thoughts you want to share or a conversation you want to start, feel free to. Keep it respectful, but other than that go wild.

[herpartnerintime]

Why I believe Max and Chloe are both lesbians

Max is a Lesbian

Chloe is a Lesbian

Max and Chloe have never had their sexualities confirmed in the games but many in the fandom headcanon Max as bisexual and Chloe as a lesbian (or less often bisexual) but there are many of us who see Max as a lesbian just like Chloe. Having played the games many times with my own lesbian eyes, I've realized that on the surface level Max's sexuality may seem clearly bisexual, but when you really pay attention, lesbian starts feeling closer to Max, as many of us picked up on Max experiencing comphet when it comes to boys. Inspired by my Before you say Chloe is a bad friend post I wanted to make another long post gathering details from Life is Strange, Before the Storm and Farewell in my long waffling way to help people better understand why many of us see lesbian as the sexuality that fits Max just as much as it fits Chloe, as we explore Max and Chloe's sexual awakenings paralleling each other. Grab some snacks, this will be a long one!

Let's start with Max! I'll start by saying I imagine Max even by the end of the game doesn't have a label for herself yet. It will take time after the storm, with all the trauma to come, but as she and Chloe heal I think Max will be able to reflect and come to understand herself and why lesbian feels right to her. Fans tend to go between Bisexual or Lesbian for Max's label, and I do see how bi can be possible. Max can after all, kiss Warren and she does think some skater boys are cute. But many of us have taken a deep dive into the game and the journal entries to piece together what many of us believe may be signs of comphet with Max (the way many of us assume ourselves as straight by default), and signs that point to a lesbian sexuality. I'll first start off with something critical to understand. Some players believe you can make Max gay, straight, or bisexual depending on if you romance Warren. This is false. Max cannot be straight, because her feelings for Chloe still exist regardless if you choose to go to the drive in with Warren or don't kiss Chloe. Regardless of what choice you make, Max and Chloe are still experiencing feelings for each other. They're still flirting, calling each other cute by the pool for example, and Max's journal shows she is very much catching feelings for her best friend no matter what choices you make. If you don't kiss Chloe, she still writes about regretting the kiss.

I would have, but I didn't like being dared like it was some big deal. Maybe I am scared. Of what? I think I'm too young for marriage. And Chloe and I might kill each other. Max says she would have and admits to being scared. She also wonders if she is to young for marriage. Why is her mind going right to marriage over a kiss? I think this Max who doesn't kiss Chloe wants too but was to scared to do so. To scared to be honest with herself about how she feels, trying to convince herself they would never work anyway. I've never been so glad to see Chloe in my life. The second I saw her blue hair and that beautiful pissed off face, I kind of regretted not kissing her when she double dared me. Maybe if she had double dog dared me... After she comes back from the alternate reality where she either watches Chloe die or leaves her in pain, Max writes how she regretted not kissing her when she double dared her. If Max had no feelings for Chloe, she would have written about how she wanted to say hug her forever or something platonic, not write about wanting to kiss her, and wishing Chloe had put more pressure on the kiss with a double dog dare.

Chloe will always be my best friend, but who knows how she really sees me? I know she wasn't mad I didn't kiss her... I feel like we're more family than couple... just a couple of dorky kids who grew up in a fucked up, amazing world... Maybe that's why I hated watching Chloe being so cruel in the nightmare, calling me names and trying to hurt me... I was surprised that it was like a physical pain in my heart. Is that the power of love... or friendship? I believe you're about to find out, Max Caulfield. I think something to remember in this entry is you didn't make Max brave enough to act on her feelings and as a result, you've made Max become in denial of her feelings, afraid to face them and what they might mean. She's aware they are there, these feelings, the fact she is questioning if this is the power of love or friendship says it all. Remember, she was writing about regretting the kiss earlier. And, the nightmare still has Chloe being flirted with and kissing others regardless of if you kiss Chloe or not and it still bothers Max. I think Max in this end ultimately buries her feelings for Chloe because you didn't make her brave enough to act on them. And deep down she thinks she's not good enough for Chloe anyway so writes Chloe off as "more family than couple'. I've seen some dismiss this as Max simply experimenting in this version of the story and realizing she didn't have feelings, but that can't be true, not when we know what happens in the story if you let Max act on her feelings. This isn't about experimentation, this is about you as the player choosing to keep Max in the closet or not when it comes to her sexuality and feelings for Chloe. That is your player choice, not whether you can make her gay or straight. Now that we've made it clear Max can't be straight and that her feelings for Chloe still exist even if you don't kiss her, I want to talk about Warren and the way she writes about him versus how she writes about Chloe. Once I gave Juliet the proof that Victoria was behind it all, I went to get Warren's flash drive from Dana. She was in a weird mood, but we said nasty things about Victoria and I think it definitely made her feel better. We talked about Warren and Dana implied he likes me. Ew. Agree to Movie Oh wait... I did say I would go to the drive-in with him. Hope he doesn't make a lame move on me... (Not that he would, egomaniac.) Warren and I do have a lot in common, but he's like a supercool geek brother... Anyway, I definitely need a movie escape.

Don't agree to Movie Oh wait. He did try and get me to go to the drive-in with him, and I refused. I'm not really in the mood this week, and I also don't want to lead him on... Kisses him in Episode 5 Considering how insane my life has been this week, kissing Warren in the middle of a deadly storm didn't seem to be that strange. It felt like we were flipping off the cruel universe... and if I was going to die, I wanted one kiss from a boy I cared about.

Now let's compare to how she writes about Chloe Kissed Chloe in Episode 3

So I did. She probably thought I'd wuss out. Why? It wasn't that big a deal. Though it was cute the way she was kind of embarrassed after and said she would tell Warren. 

episode 4 I've never been so glad to see Chloe in my life. The second I saw her blue hair and that beautiful pissed off face I wanted to kiss her again.

Episode 5 I'm glad Warren is such a good friend. Considering how insane my life has been this week, kissing Chloe instead of him didn't seem that strange. It felt like Chloe and I were flipping off the cruel universe... and if I was going to die, I wanted one kiss from my best friend. How could this not be some kind of fate or destiny? Even though we're opposites in so many ways, we're also so alike. We'll always be pirates in spirit and we'll always want to take on the world... It sounds so stupid to say that she's my hero, but if not her, who else? Sometimes Chloe and I feel like yin and yang. Who knows? Maybe we're here to give each other strength... or more. Chloe is more than my best friend, but who knows how she really sees me? She did dare me to kiss her, but she seemed surprised that I actually did. I am too, but I don't regret it for a second. Maybe that's why I hated watching Chloe being so cruel in the nightmare, calling me names and flirting with all those people... I was surprised that it was like a physical pain in my heart. Is that the power of friendship... or love? I believe you're about to find out, Max Caulfield.

Have you noticed something about her journals on Warren and on Chloe? You'll notice Max has so much more to say about her feelings for Chloe. All she ever says about Warren in regards to possible feelings is 'he's a boy she cares about' when she can kiss him in episode 5. Other than that, her journals she writes about him in regards to liking him like that are writing ew and in another she writes how she sees him as a brother and hopes he doesn't make a move on her. She never writes like this about Chloe. I know people take the fact Max can kiss Warren in episode 5 as her being bisexual but I feel like Max was discovering herself in this game having never been in a relationship before or even having a first kiss before the kiss dare. I know she can think some boys are cute, like skater boys but Chloe was also a skater, which could explain Max having that attraction to skaters, but the comphet making her just focus on boys, like she's supposed too, unable to make the connection she associates skating with Chloe. "He's cute. I like skater boys. Too bad they don't like me." Max thinks this of Trevor in the hallway of Blackwell. Trevor also happens to be wearing a beanie. These may seem like small details, but it's hard to not notice that Max ends up catching feelings for her skater beanie wearing best friend. It's also worth noting one of the optional photos involves Trevor failing a skating trick and Max taking a photo while he is in pain. She seems to take notice of boys being cute, but otherwise can seem disinterested in them. Even when it comes to touch, she backs away from Warren's hug attempt in episode 1 when she goes to give him back the USB, aware he is catching feelings for her and showing her discomfort about it. Then you just look at Max and Chloe, and how comfortable Max is at all times with physical touch from Chloe, even though Chloe has begun flirting with her and showing clear interest, it doesn't appear to make Max uncomfortable like Warren's interest in her does. Max does accept some physical touch from Warren, such as being comforted after Kate or hugging him in the diner because as she says, she could use a hug after what she's been through. But you'll notice she can be avoidant or unresponsive otherwise, such as how she acts when he puts his arm around her outside the Vortex Club party. She seems very comfortable with physical touch from Chloe, but not so much with Warren. Both of them are making their feelings for her known, but it's only the boy who Max can seem uncomfortable with at times. There's more to say about Max and this topic, but first, let's talk about the texting now between Max and Chloe and Max and Warren. Do you ever notice how many texts Warren sends Max, and the timestamps? She's very slow responding to him, but responds in a minute/within minutes with Chloe. She flirts back with Chloe too in texts, where she doesn't do so with Warren. If you explore Max's texts to Chloe and Warren here you'll notice a pattern of Max taking a very long time to answer Warren, until she finally gets around to sending off a quick message to him, usually short and to the point. Here's an example of the texts you find in Max's phone when you start the game from Warren. Do u want to meet for coffee after school? I need an excuse to not study. 10/02 1:14 pm PLEASE. 10/02 1:14 pm Make sure you check out NEKRomantik on my flash drive. Mwahaha 10/03 5:42 pm HEY MAD MAX. LETS BUST SHIT UP. 10/05 3:06 pm Wait. I have to study for a physics test. So if we bust anything, we also have to measure its velocity. 10/05 3:06 pm Don't ignore this message. 10/05 3:07 pm Hi Mx, can you get my flash drive? I need some info. And space. 10/07 4:21 pm Hullo? 10/07 4:21 pm Srry. Running late. Insane day. 10/07 4:22 pm

You'll notice Warren has been texting Max for days with no response. She likely sees and talks to him in school, but she wasn't taking the time to respond to his texts, which seems a bit strange for a boy she is supposed to be interested in.

Warren even sends her a picture of himself bruised up after protecting her from Nathan, with Max herself not having asked if he was okay.

Earth to Max: Your white knight Warren here. I know you were worried about me 10/07 6:36 pm I owe u. Thanks for today. I'll call back later, k? I SWEAR. 10/07 6:37 pm Now it makes sense given what happened in her day she didn't text him to ask if he was okay, but she did leave Chloe's side to find tools to fix her camera, and he wasn't even on her thoughts. She actually wasn't worried about him, but more worried about her broken camera and how sad Chloe seemed, which again is a bit strange for her if this is a boy she is interested in. Max then tells him she'll call him later. This is a pattern. Max is always ending conversations short with him, and always telling him she'll talk later. With Chloe on the other hand, this text about sums them up... u there mad max 10/08 7:34 am Like I said. Always for you :) :) :) :) 10/08 7:34 am NO EMOJI!!! 10/08 7:35 am :( 10/08 7:35 am

She is not always there for Warren in the game. She frequently tells him she'll call later or doesn't, or tries to end conversations quickly. Even if she accepts the drive in date, Max doesn't respond to him when he texts.... I'll let you take care of the popcorn. In other words you can't back out now :) 10/09 8:14 am OK, it's officially sold out BUT 10/09 9:21 am I managed to get us both tickets Had to fight a dozen bullies off for 'em though Freaking nerds 10/09 9:21 am Now Max is of course as we the player know, kinda going through ALOT right now with the discovery of her Super Powers and everything else, but she always responds to Chloe so quickly, even if they are just joking around. She could have quickly texted Warren an "awesome thanks" or a "I can't wait to go to the drive in with you" but she sends nothing in return. With this said, there are some exchanges that happens where she does talk more about the drive in. We are so GOING APE! Newberg is 60 miles so we should leave around 5. I drive. 10/08 9:19 am

Hell yeah we will in your new ride. 10/08 9:19 am

We have to get supplies for the drive-in. Maybe we can have dinner first. 10/08 9:19 am

..... 10/08 9:20 am

Or whatever. Anyway. GO APE! 10/08 9:22 am

Too late! 10/08 9:22 am

:) 10/08 9:22 am

Warren is still doing much of the talking here, with Max not giving an answer about dinner first, just saying too late about dinner! If Max turns down the invite, he sends instead... No worries about not GOING APE with me. 10/08 9:19 am

Thought it would be cool to take a road trip in the new wheels. I'll just drive in circles around town. 10/08 9:19 am

I'm sorry, Warren. Hard week. 10/08 9:20 am

I still owe you. 10/08 9:20 am

Yes you do. 10/08 9:20 am

Let me know if you change your mind. 10/08 9:21 am

(-_*) 10/08 9:22 am

I still owe you. Max says and writes that a lot. We both looked at each other like WTF? Next thing I knew, I was in her truck as Warren earned his man card and tried to get Nathan off my ass. I owe Warren big-time.  I owe u. Thanks for today. I'll call back later, k? I SWEAR.

I still owe you. 10/08 9:20 am Yes you do. 10/08 9:20 am This one is if you don't kiss Chloe and accepted his invite.

Yo yo Max. Your friend Chloe txtd me that you shot her down. True? 10/10 8:41 am Chloe actually texted you? 10/10 8:42 am I sure didn’t have her number. 10/10 8:42 am Oh God. 10/10 8:42 am I don’t want to embarrass you. 10/10 8:42 am Too late. 10/10 8:43 am She sounds cool. 10/10 8:43 am She’s a cool dork. 10/10 8:43 am Like me? 10/10 8:43 am No, you’re different. In a good way. 10/10 8:43 am So we’re still on to "Go Ape"? 10/10 8:44 am No damn dirty human can stop me. 10/10 8:44 am GO APE NOT HUMAN 10/10 8:44 am We shall see. 10/10 8:44 am Now I have to get back to reality. 10/10 8:45 am That sucks. 10/10 8:45 am Indeed. I’ll buzz you later. 10/10 8:45 am

So on the surface level, this might just look like Max turned down Chloe because she didn't have feelings for Chloe, but does for him. But we know from Max's interactions with Chloe and her journals about really regretting not kissing Chloe, more than once, Max is indeed very embarrassed, not just because Warren knows about it, but because she DOES have feelings for Chloe and suddenly someone knows about how Chloe dared her to kiss her.

For someone still figuring out their sexuality this can feel like being put on the spot, that comphet making you feel almost like you have to brush it off and act like it was nothing no I'm totally not gay. Max calls her a cool dork and then when Warren asks if she's still on to go ape, Max responds this time, unlike the way she ignored his texts about the drive in before and says "No damn dirty ape can stop me". My interpretation of this text exchange is Max is embarrassed and overwhelmed at the implication of Warren knowing Chloe was into her and that she herself possibly was into Chloe back (even if the kiss didn't even happen), and so she is trying to shake off that feeling, and focus on the drive in with Warren because she's totally not into girls or Chloe right? By making it clear she's still down for the drive in, she also keeps the topic off Chloe.

I want to again bring up her last journal if you didn't kiss Chloe, where her conclusion is she sees them as more friends than couple and how I concluded if you don't kiss Chloe, the story ends for Max in denial about her feelings for Chloe, and I feel like this text exchange is a show of that denial, as Max tries to push away her feelings for Chloe and possibly try and push herself to feel more feelings for a boy her journal suggested she was not having feelings for the way she was for a girl. Let's look for a moment at the text exchange if you kissed Chloe and didn't accept his invite. Yo yo Max. Your friend Chloe txtd me that I’m out of the loop now. She sounds hot so I get why. 10/10 8:41 am Chloe actually texted you? 10/10 8:42 am I sure didn't have her number. Now I get why you didn't want to "Go Ape" with me. You should go with Chloe. 10/10 8:42 am She looks cool enough for you. 10/10 8:42 am I have a lot of cool friends. Like you. 10/10 8:43 am Yes, you do. Just my luck. 10/10 8:43 And mine. I have to jet. TTYL. 10/10 8:43 am I hope so. 10/10 8:43 am Max shows she is shocked here Chloe texted him. She doesn't express embarrassment this time however, like she did when she said Oh God when she doesn't kiss Chloe. This to me shows Max was feeling more confident because she had kissed Chloe, she wasn't in denial about her feelings and starting to discover her sexuality and confidence. She therefore isn't embarrassed Warren knows about the kiss, she may not be ready to talk about it yet or with him, but she isn't embarrassed as she is if she turns down the kiss and there's this implication she may not be straight. The Max that doesn't kiss Chloe is trying to ignore/deny her feelings for Chloe and therefore, feels more uncomfortable at people being aware of it. I would also guess Max is experiencing a similar thrill from her expression as she did in the classroom if Chloe texts she wants to marry her, seeing Chloe is making it clear to someone she knows that likes her that Max is HERS. For the girl she likes to do that... Max is starting to realize more and more what she writes later in her journal, that they are more than friends now. Speaking of that text... a fan favourite if you 'shoot' Frank. max the boss with the gun marry me Illegal in Oregon. For now. fuq that shit elope Max opens this text right in class and then Jefferson calls her out and tells her to put her phone away before Max can say more. Max is very openly flirting back with Chloe in these texts, something we don't see her do with Warren. With all the journals we know will exist after this point, with Max realizing they were more than friends, these texts weren't just friends being silly but Max flirting back with Chloe and being exhilarated by it.

We also see Chloe sometimes messages Max several times in a row. The difference? Max doesn't seem to mind as she responds in the same minute.

max 10/08 8:08 am food 10/08 8:08 am two whales 10/08 8:08 am Don't hurt your fingers texting 10/08 8:08 am Yay breakfast! (^_^) 10/08 8:09 am NO EMOJI 10/08 8:09 am

Now let's talk about the way Max and Chloe talk about boys, to each other. Max: So... you never really told me if you had a serious boyfriend while I was away... Chloe: Not serious. Hella stupid, usually. I went through a "boy toy" phase. Among other things... Max: I can't see you with any of the guys around here... Chloe: Because you have a good eye. That's why I was so glad Rachel came along to rescue me. Max: Sounds like you totally crushed on Rachel. Chloe: You would have too. Smart, sexy and sassy... Like me, right?Max: Well, duh! Maybe Rachel would have fought over both of us. Chloe: You wish! Then again, maybe... you're a photographer and she wanted to be a model. Max: As Blackwell proves, boys are trouble. Chloe: And way fucking gross. As you'll discover soon enough. Max: Oh okay, Woman of the World. Please tell me what it's like to get that first magic kiss! Chloe: Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to get you all worked up. I just don't think anybody is good enough for you... besides me. Notice how Max says well, duh, confirming she sees Chloe as smart, sexy and sassy and jokes even about Rachel fighting over both of them, showing how comfortable Max is at the idea of girls liking her, versus how she acts at the thought of boys liking her, like at the pool, as you will see below. Pool Scene Chloe: Dude, I'm not her groupie, okay? And I'm sure you have Blackwell bros all over you—like Warren... Gross! option Max: Ew! I don't want any Blackwell bros over me. There's a couple cute guys there but they probably think I'm a total nerd. Chloe: Uh, nerds are hot. You just don't have any confidence yet.

Max: Unfortunately, that didn't come with my rewind power... Warren is nice option

Max: Warren is nice...

Chloe: [chuckles] Nice? Ouch. That means "Friendzone."

Max: No, he's really cool. It was so sweet when he stood up to Nathan... But I haven't told him about my rewind power... You're the Bro Killer option

Max: You're the bro killer. Tats and 'tude... Chloe: You did not just say that. Plus I am not down with these Arcadia Bay hillbillies. Max: I don't blame you... Anyway, we have bigger fish to fry, right?

Now Max does say there are a couple of cute guys, and this indeed could indicate bisexuality, but lesbians can think boys are cute on the surface level. But here's something worth mentioning. While we can find boys cute on surface level, the moment things start moving beyond friendship, we start feeling uncomfortable and start avoiding, kind of like how Max puts off Warren's texts because she's come to realize he sees her as more than a friend, and she doesn't know what to do with that. This might explain the journal where she writes I never really found a groove with my classmates. (Or boys...) as the moment a boy she thinks is cute begins possibly having feelings for her, it may have made her uncomfortable, causing her to, 'not find a groove with boys' as a result and not fully understanding why. Even when discussing boys with Chloe, Max's options and responses are interesting. You can choose gross, and then Max says ew and that she doesn't want any Blackwell bros all over her, and Chloe had mentioned Warren as one of the Blackwell bros. She then says she finds some cute, which seems to me again like she's able to see boys on the surface level as cute, but does not like the idea of them actually being into her back. Her other options are to deflect to Chloe being the 'bro killer' and to 'friendzone' Warren. All she can say about boys is she finds some cute, but she never seems to go beyond that, almost as if she can't. I can speak from experience of being able to see men as cute or handsome but also experiencing discomfort at the idea of actually being liked back in that way, or realizing I was liked in that way. I also experienced discomfort when I would think about what intimacy with a man would involve and how uncomfortable that made me feel. I didn't experience this when thinking about women. I could picture intimacy, everything in detail with excitement and comfortability. I also want to make note of many of the fandom seeing Max as a demi lesbian, needing a close connection for romantic and sexual attraction. On top of the comphet, it's possible Max didn't realize her sexuality because she wasn't forming a close enough connection with any girls to feel that way about them. Demisexuality, which falls on the asexuality spectrum, differs from simply wanting to wait for a deep bond to form before having sex with someone; rather, it’s more akin to the experience of being asexual until that type of connection forms, at which point the sexual attraction extends only to that person. x This seems to fit Max, who had never kissed or dated or in fact, been at all interested in anyone until Chloe. Feelings had begun when they were tweens. Chloe: You look cute with your hair soaked in chemicals.

Max: Thanks, you would know... This little exchange at the pool echoes back old memories, of being 13 and 14 Max: Really cute, Chloe.

Chloe takes off the hat.

Chloe: You're not so bad yourself.

With a girl, with Chloe, it all seems to come naturally to Max, how to act, how to flirt, how to boldly go for a kiss when dared, or how she was the one, in the Bay end, to go for that last kiss, or to choose Chloe over everyone in the Bae end. With Chloe she can comfortably flirt back and forth in text or in person. Now Max can kiss Warren too. She as stated before, writes in her journal she wanted one last kiss from a boy she cared about if she was going to die. I think so much of the game is about Max exploring her sexuality. Chloe even encourages her to stop being afraid at the pool. She encourages her in the alternate reality too. Chloe: Oh, please. You can't be an artist unless you experience life... That includes boys, girls, whatever. I think if you say, kiss Chloe AND Warren for example, you have Max exploring herself with BOTH of them, and while this again could indicate bisexuality we must remember Chloe had sex with boys and realized she wasn't into them in the end.

Rewatching the Max and Warren kiss, Max says for luck, and the kiss is fast and quick, compared to the very long kiss she gives Chloe in the Bay ending. Her kiss dare with Chloe was short too - only because Chloe pulled away in shock, so we don't know how long she would have kissed Chloe if Chloe hadn't pulled back. If she doesn't kiss Chloe and does kiss Warren, Max is choosing to not explore her feelings for a girl but to explore them with a boy she cares about. One thing we do know for sure... she writes way more about the girl than she does the boy whatever your choices are. And she writes she realizes she loves the girl, for the boy she just writes she cares about him, not that she loves him.

Here's something else to think about. Max is an anxious person who becomes avoidant when she's uncomfortable or anxious, as she is with Chloe after the move and isn't there for her. In Before the Storm, while Life is Strange had said Max hadn't texted, Before the Storm Max did text back a little, but she was avoidant like she is with Warren, short responses, always saying she'll call or text later but doesn't. In the case of Chloe Max didn't know how to be there for her grieving friend after leaving her at the worst time, in the case of Warren it at times feels like Max is avoidant and slower to respond to him because she is uncomfortable knowing he has feelings for her, and she doesn't in the same way. It's not until episode 5 after going through the Dark Room, alternate realities and the storm to get to the diner does she kiss Warren for luck as she says, driven perhaps more from the emotion of everything she had just went through and as she put in her journal, just wanting to experience one kiss if she might fail to get back to Chloe and was going to die. Comparing the kiss dare with Chloe, where the emotion was coming from a place of flirting and swimming in the pool in their underwear and bras, and then falling asleep together side by side in bed, it felt like the way Max hurled herself at Chloe for that kiss was coming from a very different place than Max needing a kiss for luck. It felt like Max going for that kiss dare was from the buildup of electricity between them and her acting very naturally on it. You can feel the electricity in the air with her and Chloe, but not so much with her and Warren. Now let's switch to Chloe for a little bit. Chloe I think is an easy she's a lesbian character. Most of the fandom sees Chloe as a lesbian, and it's not hard to see why. Let me bring these up once more... Max: So... you never really told me if you had a serious boyfriend while I was away... Chloe: Not serious. Hella stupid, usually. I went through a "boy toy" phase. Among other things... Max: I can't see you with any of the guys around here... Chloe: Because you have a good eye. That's why I was so glad Rachel came along to rescue me. Max: Sounds like you totally crushed on Rachel. Chloe: You would have too. Smart, sexy and sassy... Like me, right?Max: Well, duh! Maybe Rachel would have fought over both of us. Chloe: You wish! Then again, maybe... you're a photographer and she wanted to be a model. Max: As Blackwell proves, boys are trouble. Chloe: And way fucking gross. As you'll discover soon enough. Max: Oh okay, Woman of the World. Please tell me what it's like to get that first magic kiss! Chloe: Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to get you all worked up. I just don't think anybody is good enough for you... besides me. Chloe makes it very clear she is NOT into boys anymore to Max in these conversations. She also makes it clear she is into Max by saying she doesn't think anybody is good enough for Max but herself. Even when she's asking Max what bathroom she wants to go through to get to the pool she asks it as if she is asking way more than a simple question. Chloe: Boys or girls? Max: Girls, of course! Chloe: Girls? Ooh la-la...

vs Chloe: Boys or girls?

Max: Boys, of course!

Chloe: Figures. Perv. Let's also remember how Chloe reacts in Before the Storm at 16 when she almost walks into the boys changing tent. "Boys' changing tent. Thanks, but no thanks." Chloe from the way she asks and reacts to Max's response, was I think clearly trying in her way to figure Max out. She asks about boys and girls here and in the pool because she's trying to figure out if Max possibly could like girls or she only likes boys or likes both. Max giving the "boys of course' answer is something she'd expect from a girl who likes boys wanting to explore the boy's locker room (we the player know Max is also just nosy and wants to investigate it), but Max choosing girls over wanting to explore the boys has Chloe even more curious, and when Max can react with gross or deflection about boys in the pool... she is becoming more curious. Max: As long as you're there with me...

Chloe: Don't look so sad. I'm never leaving you...

Chloe: You look cute with your hair soaked in chemicals.

Max: Thanks, you would know...

And moments like this happening, all leads to the kiss in the bedroom with Max. Chloe: Stop second-guessing yourself, Max! Put this on and let your inner punk-rock girl come out! You can afford to take chances! Whenever and whatever you want to try... for example, I dare you to kiss me!

Max: What?

Chloe: I double dare you. Kiss me now. Chloe, now feeling more confident Max may like girls (and maybe her???), but not being totally sure, she dares Max to kiss her.

Chloe: Damn, you're hardcore, Max! Now I can text Warren and tell him he doesn't stand a chance... unless he's into girl-on-girl action.

Chloe returns to her bed.

Max: You are such a dork.

Max: (thinking) Oh man, that was priceless when I kissed Chloe. She didn't think I would... Chloe: You better not rewind and take that kiss back. You know I'm hotter than those Seattle art-holes, right? Chloe pulls back in sheer shock that not only does Max like girls, she wanted to kiss her. This excitement as we discussed above, leads her to text Warren about the kiss, as her way to say Max is mine, back off. Let me also share what is said if Max doesn't kiss Chloe.

Max: Sorry, not that easy. Chloe: Oh, like I am? Just admit that you already macked on me then used your rewind! Now I can text Warren that you're saving yourself all for him...

Chloe returns to her bed.

Max: I am so going to best unfriend you for that.

Max: (thinking) I love that Chloe is so fearless...

I think to me this is further example of your choice as the player being about not making Max act on her feelings, not being the one who decides if she has feelings or not. Max isn't uncomfortable at all, actually she admires how fearless Chloe is. As she wrote in her journal, I would have, but I didn't like being dared like it was some big deal. Maybe I am scared. Of what? I think I'm too young for marriage. And Chloe and I might kill each other. Max's feelings always exist for Chloe. And later, she writes, I kind of regretted not kissing her when she double dared me. Maybe if she had double dog dared me... the kiss she didn't give is on her mind a lot. "And you'd dare me to drive it like you dared me to kiss you..." But if you make Max brave enough to kiss Chloe, she is more bold about it.

Max: And you'd probably want me to kiss you again... Oh and how can we forget? Max's reaction to Chloe's phone wallpaper either being changed to her or kept to Chloe and Rachel! If Chloe puts Max on her phone wallpaper Max thinks, "Nice, Chloe put my pic on her phone.... I must have proved I was worthy again..." If Chloe keeps her phone with her and Rachel Max thinks, "I thought Chloe might put up a pic of me instead.... Can't compete with Rachel." Max's jealously of Rachel is something even Joyce notices.

Joyce: Max Caulfield, are you actually jealous of Rachel?

Max: Maybe. Rachel was so much cooler than me... Max when she sees the C and R bracelets That kinda hurts.... The CD "Rachel songs." I wonder if Chloe would ever make me a mixtape.

Max when she sees the photos of Chloe and Rachel They really were besties. That could have been me instead of Rachel... Max's jealously is note worthy because it isn't something we see toward Brooke's interest in Warren. While Max shows jealously towards Rachel, she isn't that interested in Brooke's interest in Warren. If Max really did have feelings for Warren, she should be just as jealous. But Max acts very indifferent much of the time, if anything trying to ignore the awkwardness of knowing Warren likes her and Brooke is mad about it, trying to act like she has no idea what Brooke's problem is. Brooke: I'm serious. Even meteorologists can't explain that snow. I bet Warren can. Did you talk to him yet? Max: No, not at all. He's my friend, not my mother. (or she will say I will later) Brooke: True. And Warren really loves to talk meteorology with me, since I'm one of the few who can talk back. Talk to you later, Max.

In conversations with Brooke, it feels like Max is trying to get it across she is just Warren's friend. She helps him with his experiment in class and tries to ignore Brooke's rude comments about him ignoring the experts. Max: I'm helping Warren with his latest experiment. Brooke: Oh. I guess he needed a neophyte assistant so he wouldn't be threatened. But you came to his rescue anyway.

Max: Apparently, it's my nature. Brooke: Yet Warren ignores the experts right in front of him. Not that he would ask me for help anyway...

Brooke: Ms. Grant finally gave up and let me fly her again. But you're going to the drive-in with Warren, so you don't have time to fly my drone.

Max: Really? I can't fly your drone because I'm going to see "Ape" movies with Warren?

Brooke: You are perceptive, Max. Now, excuse me. My drone needs me.

I do find it interesting Max doesn't say going on a date with Warren, but going to see Ape movies with Warren, suggesting to Max, as she wrote in her journal, she sees it as just a friend thing. Oh wait... I did say I would go to the drive-in with him. Hope he doesn't make a lame move on me... (Not that he would, egomaniac.) Warren and I do have a lot in common, but he's like a supercool geek brother... Anyway, I definitely need a movie escape.

To Max, this is just a movie escape, but to Brooke it's so much more than that. At the Vortex club party, if Max doesn't accept the invite Brooke: I will. He left already, but we're going to map out our drive-in date later. Warren wants to go to dinner first, so that'll be fun. Is that cool with you, Max?

Max: Yes, it's great. Brooke, I'm happy for you. And Warren. I'd like to see you happy instead of waiting.

Brooke: Thanks, Max. Though I feel selfish talking about a boy, considering Kate and the Arcadia Bay eco-meltdown... As we discussed previously, whether you kiss Chloe or not Max's feelings for Chloe are still written about and expressed. This should mean even if she turns down the movie date, she should be sad about Brooke going with Warren, but she's happy. I think almost relieved she doesn't have to worry about it anymore. If Max accepted the drive in

Max: Have you seen Warren tonight?

Brooke: Why? You're the one going out with him.

Max: Brooke, enough. I'm sorry Warren asked me to the movies, but you don't need to give me an attitude. I'd like to think I'm your friend.

Brooke: I know... I get salty when things don't go my way. I'm selfish, while you go on a roof to help save your friend Even here, Max vents her frustration at Brooke being mad Warren asked her to the movies. But she doesn't say much else. She is aware Warren likes her, as she proves when Chloe says

Chloe: Man, that guy is so fucking in love with you.

Max: I know...

She doesn't say she likes him back, is just aware he does and you can get the sense she doesn't know what in the world to do about that. His feelings for her have even been getting Brooke mad at her, and her classmates are all picking up on it too.

Max: That was so not cool. We need to plan, like, a tea shop tour of Portland.

Kate: Oh yes! And you could bring Warren along too... Noy boys allowed

Max: No boys allowed. Kate: You are funny, Max. And right. Warren

Max: What do you think of Warren? Kate: Oh, smart and silly... He's got such a good heart. And he's a cutie pie. You know he likes you... Max: I'm going to the drive-in with him, so we'll see... With everything that's going on, a date seems weird... Kate: No, you deserve that.

Max: Kate Marsh, matchmaker. I'm glad somebody is looking out for my love life. Kate: Even angels need angels, Max. Don't forget her journal to match this and revealing her true feelings Oh wait... I did say I would go to the drive-in with him. Hope he doesn't make a lame move on me... (Not that he would, egomaniac.) Warren and I do have a lot in common, but he's like a supercool geek brother... Anyway, I definitely need a movie escape.

turned down drive in Max: So I've heard. He asked me to go to the drive-in, but I turned him down. Kate: Awww, really? You guys would be a perfect couple... Oh wait. He did try and get me to go to the drive-in with him, and I refused. I'm not really in the mood this week, and I also don't want to lead him on...

Max never sounds that interested about the 'date' and when you compare her journal about her feelings for the drive in with Warren with her feelings for Chloe it's clear Max's mind is very much on someone else, whether Max kissed Chloe or not. In episode 3, Nathan throws this slur at her. Nathan: Right...Plus, you're an adult now. I can sue for dumb ass for libel. Thanks. Now fuck off, dyke! Max doesn't give a response to this so we don't know how she feels as she doesn't write about it either, but her confidence she's gained with Chloe seems to have helped her not be bothered if he thinks she likes girls. Max never seems to mind if people think she likes girls. But thinking she likes boys on the other hand...

Dana: Max, you're smart to be a loner here. Though Warren obviously likes hanging with you... he's a good guy

Max: He's a good guy. A geek like me.

Dana: You saw the files in his flash drive? Tons of crazy shit. Films I've never even heard of. And in a special folder called "Max"?

Max: Yeah, okay. I gotcha.

Dana: Are you blushing? Ha! Go ahead and grab the flash drive whenever...

what do you mean? Max: What do you mean?

Dana: Oh, nothing. When you opened the flash drive, didn't you see the special folder called "Max"?

Max: Yeah, okay. I gotcha.

Dana: Are you blushing? Ha! Go ahead and grab the flash drive whenever...

In each exchange, Max seems uncomfortable at what she is implying. She does blush - but I've also blushed when I've realized someone is telling me someone likes me I don't like that way. It makes you feel embarrassed and put on the spot. Especially when you're deep down confused as to why you don't like this boy who everything else thinks is perfect for you. Max still can't find a groove with boys. Is it because she just can't like them that way? That's how it feels. And don't forget Max writes about this exchange...   We talked about Warren and Dana implied he likes me. Ew. Now, I can't ignore the fact Max can write Cu Te on his room slate, "Are you made of copper and tellurium because you're Cu Te" a nerdy little science pun. And thanks for leaving your mark on my door. I'll never erase it. 10/10 3:42 pm You better not. It's permanent! 10/10 3:42 pm

As she writes it she thinks, I can have a little fun with Warren for a change. He's the one who wants to "Go Ape"… x Her tone suggests it's more for him than for her, perhaps wanting to leave a nice message after seeing that Beta Phag Alert poster. And Max can again find him cute on the surface level. She knows she's supposed to like him like that, her classmates all think she should, and maybe she feels a little bad for her lack of attention since she's been busy with Chloe (and developing feelings for her) so she wants to leave him a nice message. I really do think this and the quick kiss with him in episode 5 were just Max exploring herself, because she does care for Warren as she said herself, but her feelings for a girl, for Chloe, go so much deeper than she can feel for him. Max's journal entries she wrote on the 7 and 8th expressed ew at the idea of someone thinking she liked Warren and writing how she hoped he didn't make a move on her at the drive in makes me think it's not likely her feelings for Warren would change so quickly when most of her time is spent with Chloe, but I think her becoming braver and bolder gave her the boldness to try and see what a kiss with a boy would feel like. But she never writes anything more than that. And I always go back to her reactions to the idea of boys liking her at the pool, versus her comfort at the idea of girls liking her that morning in Chloe's bedroom. I also think of her texts and journals about owing Warren. She says her kiss to him was for luck in her journal, maybe she also felt like she owed him something and felt like the kiss was giving that to him. Now let's talk about Before the Storm Chloe. In her journal, Chloe writes this about Elliot Similar to my class schedule, Eliot and I have history but no chemistry or drama. We hooked up a few times shortly after Dad died, but there wasn't really much to it. I think I was just bored. Or maybe a little lonely. Weird, I know. She also has this in her journal

PS Pris from Blade Runner popped into my head last time I rubbed one. I mean, at first I was thinking about Deckard and that smolder of his, but then Pris just totally stole the show. Probably nothing there. Think I just want her bangs.

She was starting to realize she didn't feel much for boys. She was able to see boys as surface level hot, which is why she first thought of Deckard and that smolder of his, led by her comphet, but it was Pris who as she says, stole the show as she rubbed one. Some may think bisexuality because she was first thinking of Deckard's smolder but again, comphet can make us lesbians focus on what we feel are we supposed too and then what we really like... girls... totally steals the show. While Before the Storm only shows her with Elliot, Life is Strange tells us from Joyce she had a bad boy phase, and Chloe calls it a boy toy phase, and she also tells Max that Rachel rescued her, suggesting Rachel had been her sexual awakening. We see this in Before the Storm too, as Chloe continues to understand who she really is, even if she can't say it out loud yet. Chloe: I mean...fuck. Are you actually going to make me say it? Rachel: Say what, exactly? Chloe: You know. Like, a friendship. But...more. Rachel: Ah... Chloe: I know. Weird, right? It's just, today was the best day I've had since...since my dad died. And when I almost ruined it just now, the way I ruin everything, it made me realize...whatever's going on between us is special.  And later... Let's just say... she erased all doubts.

What, you need me to draw you a map? We made out. As awesome as you may imagine making out with Rachel Amber sounds, believe me, it was a bajillion times awesomer. Chloe sexual awakening! Speaking of sexually awakened, it's clear she would have awakened sooner if Max hadn't moved away and stopped talking to her, with journals like these... The worst part is that even though we haven't spoken in months, even though she habitually ignored my texts so much that I just stopped trying, even though I know, deep down, that she doesn't care about me anymore and that she probably has all new friends up in fucking Seattle... I still miss her. If she came back tomorrow and said "hey Chloe, want to dress up like pirates and be stupid together?", I would take her back in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. Chloe also has a drawing of Max in her journal that says, put your thoughts into me - x and on that very same page with the picture she writes "Maybe one day, when you return home and apologize for having forgotten all about me and we kiss and make up, I'll show this to you and we can read it and laugh." There's also of course, the scene in Farewell mirroring the pool

Max: Really cute, Chloe.

Chloe takes off the hat.

Chloe: You're not so bad yourself.

The way Chloe and Max look at one another and talk to each other. The feelings they were feeling... they were close to discovering at 13 and 14 they were more than friends...

Chloe pulls Max into a hug and Max drops the ball.

Chloe: You're the frickin' best. That's all. Max: Damn right. About time you realized it.

Chloe: Tell anyone and I'll deny it.

Chloe bumps Max's shoulder with hers.

Max: You are one of a kind, Chloe Price.

Chloe: What?

Max: I'm lucky your my best friend, that's all.

Chloe: Damn right you are, you mushy weirdo! Did you find the amulet?

I think even their childhood predictions to each other are interesting. They each think they'll end up with boyfriends and we know how that ends for both of them - and yet they also correctly predict they'll be living together (Bae end). And then there's Chloe, if Max doesn't tell her about the move, trying to distract her, saying she wants to go to the beach at night with Max, something her parents did together, which would have been a romantic night at the beach and Chloe heard the story and wants the same kind of experience with Max, even if she doesn't herself realize that. Max: I bet that would be beautiful. One day I want to see glowing sand.

Chloe: Me too! My dad saw it once with my mom. He said their feet made blue florescent footprints!

Max: Oh, my god. I want to take a picture of that so bad.

Chloe: Oh, you have to. We can go every night to make sure we don't miss it.

Chloe: I'm so excited! We're gonna have the coolest pirate hangout ever, just like we always talked about.

Max: Yeah, and it would just be for us.

Chloe: Exactly. Our own little place.

But sadly, we know what happens next. Chloe's dad dies and Max moves, and torn apart both girls are left with the lingering feelings neither understood, not until they are reunited again five years later. Chloe has her sexual awakening with Rachel, but would later realize her first love was Max. Both girls would eventually understand the feelings they had for each other even as tweens. William: And always remember: the real treasure is—

Chloe: Friendship.

Max: Love. Max's journal 5 years later. I was surprised that it was like a physical pain in my heart. Is that the power of friendship... or love? I believe you're about to find out, Max Caulfield.

Back to Before the Storm and 16 year old Chloe. In the junkyard Chloe can find a porn magazine in episode 2 where a fully naked woman (boobs and vagina on full display x) is on the cover and Chloe thinks....

High intimacy with Rachel : "These magazines are so gross. Who would look at this? Okay, I'm still looking. But it's only because I'm so fixated by how weird it is." Low intimacy: "Pretty sure this isn't what Rachel meant when she talked about going to LA to be a model. Then again, it's probably not what this person meant, either." If you allow Chloe to explore her feelings for Rachel, just like if you let Max explore her feelings for Chloe, it helps Chloe come to a realization about herself. The reason why she can't feel chemistry for boys or why she feels so indifferent to Elliot or why she says there wasn't much to it when she had sex with Elliot and why Pris stole the show when she rubbed one out is because she isn't sexually attracted to boys and their bodies. You know I wonder if maybe there was a reason she liked punching dicks so much in the D&D games that even Mikey noticed, both from anger at David and Wells but also at her growing understanding of her sexuality and what she is not into. She is not into boys. She is not into dicks. She is into girls. She is very much attracted to girls. She couldn't take her eyes off that magazine of that naked woman. She is into girls. She's into everything about them... girls steal the show literally for Chloe Price. She and Max have parallel situations happening where they each have a boy very interested in them and are discovering who they are, with Chloe at 16 being in the midst of her sexual awakening as Max is starting her sexual awakening at 18. Chloe has Steph gently encouraging her about liking girls (and Chloe also had her to admire - another thing about Steph: she's into girls, and she doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks about it) and Max has Chloe encouraging her to discover her sexuality too, and also Chloe showing she likes girls and doesn't care what anyone thinks, making Max comfortable to show her feelings in return and helping her confidence. Steph: I've been planning to make a move on Rachel, but not if you two were together.

Chloe: Make a move?

Steph: So, are you?

Chloe: Uh...

Steph: I mean, that's Rachel's business—or maybe yours and Rachel's business—but if you feel comfortable telling me... Chloe: You think we're...together? Steph: It looks to me like you've got a thing for her, and maybe she has a thing for you...and I wouldn't want to get in the way. Chloe: I'm...uh, I—I don't know. It's...it's confusing.

Steph: Yeah, I—I can imagine. You ever wanna talk to me, Chloe, you know you can, right? By the time Max meets Chloe again in 2013, Chloe's confidence in her sexuality is as strong as Steph's was here. Max at 18 had no sexual experience, dating experience, or even a first kiss. She is experiencing her own discovery of her sexuality in this game. Unlike Chloe's journal where she wrote about rubbing one out to a woman, Max's journal suggests she hasn't given much thought to her sexuality and only knows she hasn't been able to find a groove with boys for some reason. Max is so focused on her photography and her own little world it feels clear to me it wasn't until she reunited with Chloe that she began to experience feelings she had never felt before, except in the past with Chloe when she had been to young to realize what any of it meant, further indicating demi for her. I should also make note of the condom Max can find in Chloe's jacket pocket. Some of the fandom look at this and wonder if Chloe may actually be bisexual. I think that condom was likely a left over one from her 'boy toy' phase. Condoms can also be used by lesbians as dental dams during oral sex on the vagina, so there's that possibility too. Though I think it's far more likely Chloe just had lots of condoms during her Elliot/boy toy era and had some left over ones. One thing is for sure, she makes it very clear to Max in conversations she is OVER boys now. I do need to make note of something also that many have felt could indicate bisexuality in Max and Chloe. Max's journals To study photography under Mark Jefferson... SIGH. Insert hearts and flowers.  He doesn't try to be too hip, just says what he thinks and expects us to as well. I think he's a genius. OMG I WANT TO MARRY HIM. Just joking. This one class is worth all the social dysfunction. Chloe's comments Chloe: Hot for teacher. Max: Gross! You are out of control. Chloe: Not yet. Just wait until the rager tonight... Max: Ugh, shut up. Chloe: Don't be jealous because Mark Jefferson thinks I'm cool... Max: I am so ignoring you.

I know these comments may again indicate bisexuality for some people, but for me I think of how as a lesbian myself we can see boys and men as cute/hot on a surface level way. We are not unaware of their attractiveness, it's just we have no interest or desire to go any further. It's interesting to me Max also used the words gross once again referring to a guy, though in this case it is also because he is a teacher. Max really admired Jefferson as a photographer, she writes he's been an inspiration for a long time, so having him teach at her school was very exciting for her, Jefferson is practically a celebrity in the Photography world and he's teaching at her school. Not only is Mark Jefferson one of the best photographers in the world, he's also my teacher. And one of the reasons I wanted to come to Blackwell. How often do you get to be mentored by one of your inspirations? I've always loved his deco and goth style and he's so versatile with all of his incredible print and advertising work Unlike her classmates, Max's fangirling seems to be coming from a place of admiration of an idol rather than her classmates, who seem to lust over him, such as Stella saying saying he was pretty hot for an older guy and if Victoria wasn't making a move on him, she would, Stella also comments she heard Rachel had sex with him (which we later learn was true from Rachel's letter). Max doesn't express feeling like this for Jefferson, even in her journal. As for Chloe, as discussed, has already made it clear before this how she feels about men, she is making an obvious observation I can acknowledge too - he IS hot for a teacher.

Chloe can see that. I think Chloe also wanted to tease Max, who she knew admired him and looked up to this teacher and loved seeing Max all flustered talking to a teacher she so admired - she also knew Max was flustered when she heard Max say Oh, hi, Mr. Jefferson. I'm okay. Um, and this is my...friend Chloe. Max hesitates a little to say friend, and we know from the journals we see Max write in the game she was aware they were starting to feel more than friends, so she even stumbles a little using the word friend, suggesting she had been close to considering saying girlfriend but stopped herself. Chloe: Me too. I'll be Max's date. You better dance with us at least once. Chloe also says this, so she was really trying to fluster Max, knowing the Max's date comment wasn't even really a joke with the feelings they had for each other but hadn't spoken out loud yet. So Chloe is having fun teasing Max a little with that and trying to embarrass her in front of the teacher she admires. We also need to discuss Max's Nightmare and one particular picture. First the picture. In episode 3, in Warren's locker, Max finds a picture of her and Warren. x The photo looks strange. Almost like he photoshopped himself into a picture of her. "Bet he developed that in Jefferson's class... but why?" In episode 1 he can say depending on your dialogue choices, Of course. I'd love to tweak one of your selfies with some cool graphics… And Max replies, "That might not suck. I'll let you know. She never lets him know to do it, and thus is a bit confused and uncomfortable sounding when she looks at the photo she finds in his locker.

Now Max's Nightmare. Max goes through so much in the game with no time to process, until she passes out and ends up trapped in her Nightmare. In the nightmare, you'll notice the light house is always in the distance, always a guide. Inside of her nightmare, she is chased and hounded only by men. Jefferson searches for her with a flashlight, soon joined by Frank and Nathan and David, men who have physically harmed her and those she loved or been aggressive and threatening to her. And another boy joins them. Warren. Warren walks the locker room and calls to her....

Warren: Max... Where are you? Max... Come out to play... Come out to play...! Warren: Ape, Ape, Ape... Who wants to "Go Ape"? Go Ape! Go Ape! Ape! Ape!!! Warren: You dig my wheels, Max? Get in the car, I'll take you for a ride... Get in the car! Warren: Brooke loves me, so why don’t you? Huh? What makes you so special? (determinant)Warren: Max, I know you're in here... You can run, but you can’t hide from your white knight... Give it up! Warren: What's up with you and that blue-haired loser? You need an alpha male, baby Warren: Did that get you hot when you saw me fuck up Nathan? I did. Warren: Max... imagine if we were in that Dark Room together... I have... Warren: I said, get in the car. Now. We'll cruise to the drive-in and you'll be close to me forever... and we'll... Go Ape, Ape, Ape!!!

Warren joining her nightmare is not insignificant. Max's Nightmare may be a very strange, scary and crumbling world but everything in her dream speaks to her very real fears and insecurities coming to life. We've talked about how avoidant Max can be with Warren, her journal entries expressing her discomfort on his feelings for her, her discomfort on that photoshopped photo she found. Nightmare Warren was a manifestation of her discomfort of the way he acted with her and his persistence. I want to next explore Max's Nightmare to help better understand the way her nightmare was Max's brain processing everything that had been happening to her and her feelings, so we can see how everything holds significance. The first part of her nightmare is in Jefferson's class, feeling trapped alone with him, forced to say horrible things against her will, like how he had her tied up against her will. All of his posters on his wall now have her on them, the models replaced with HER. x x To me highlighting how uncomfortable she is by his interest in her and the way men look at her. The next nightmare is trapped in the endless dorm hallway, where she meets Kate, who either is angry at her for not stopping her from jumping or angry at her for saving her because she didn't want to live. After she escapes this endless dorm hallway she ends up back in the school halls with everyone moving in reverse, with the doe guiding her through the bathroom door where she first saved Chloe. She then ends up in an art gallery being chased by Jefferson. Once she escapes him, she then ends up having to hide behind portraits from the searching light of Principal Wells making announcements such as saying she is wanted for the deaths of Chloe and Rachel, he even says "I regret to announce that one of your fellow classmates, Maxine Caulfield, has died under tragic circumstances that I promise to investigate after I get my drink on" showing how he hurt her too by the way he treated her when she walked out of the bathroom in episode 1 and was jumped on by him, whether she reports Nathan or not, she is treated like she did something wrong and doesn't feel like she can tell him what happened.

She then reaches the junkyard and is chased by Jefferson, Frank, Nathan, and David. Something very note worthy about the junkyard is how she is only safe from them in Chloe's junkyard sanctuary where she can have a moment of calm. "Max, sit down. You're taking a time-out no matter what. If this is my nightmare, let me have one sanctuary... Of course this is where Chloe... and Rachel... used to hide from the world... But I can't hide for long. Whatever reality I'm in... feels like a bad dream... Am I just not learning my lesson? Maybe your real lesson is to get out of this place... Just don't be afraid, Max. Let them be afraid of you." Soon she ends up in a maze of lockers, where she is once again chased by men, with Warren and Samuel joining them. But why? Starting with Samuel, him joining the dream may seem strange, until you consider the anxiety and distrust of men Max was experiencing. From Frank threatening her and Chloe, to David treating Chloe horribly (or possibly even hitting her) to Principal Wells not believing her or being willing to listen, to Nathan drugging Chloe and Kate, and Jefferson drugging her and Victoria and other girls, I think Samuel joining the dreams was a reflection of how Max was feeling distrustful of the men around her. She actually grows worried and concerned when she finds in Samuel's custodial room Rachel's photos and missing person posters and a silky scarf she knows doesn't belong to him. I think that's why he appears in her dream, as a manifestation of her distrust and anxiety of men after the events of the week. Now Warren, as I said, is also there in the nightmare for a reason. He is acting as a desperate lover, and I think Max felt that way about him in the game at times, judging by how she often ignored his texts or avoided him or wrote ew in her journal or how she sees him as a brother. She wasn't comfortable with his attraction to her, wasn't comfortable with the photo he appears to have photoshopped himself into. The dream version is obviously a more aggressive version of Warren, but it speaks to her inner fears about him and how uncomfortable she feels with his feelings for her. Perhaps because, she also isn't even into boys and is in the process of discovering that. In the nightmare, Max can also look into Warren's locker. And what she finds?

x She finds this. More photoshopping from Warren, with him photoshopping her face onto the bodies of women in sexy outfits taped all over his locker, with the words My Max written in his locker and a Max doll inside. You will also notice Max's selfie, the unedited version that Max finds in episode 3 in Warren's locker that he photoshopped her into. This is more indication on how uncomfortable Warren was making Max with his photoshopped photo she found and his behavior in general. It also feels like further fears of a lesbian uncomfortable with the male attraction and attention on her. She does not like it. She does not want it. To move forward with the dream, to further drive home the meaning put behind the things that happen in her dream, after Max escapes the men chasing her, she ends up sitting on the bench and ending up trapped in a snow globe as she watches her 13 year old self tear up the photo she used to save William. She then gets a text from William that says, "Hey Max, would you say hi to Chloe and Joyce? Don't forget to remind them that you let me die." The guilt of her failure to save William and letting him die again. She even gets a text from Joyce if she accepts Chloe's wish. "Max, we have surveillance video of you overdosing Chloe. You cannot escape now. There is no reality where you can hide now. Don't you dare underestimate me. You hear?

Max then ends up back in Mark Jefferson's dark room tied up, with him taking photos of her. Chloe is there too, and this time she's being quite mean to Max. But she's not being like Warren and acting creepy. Nightmare Chloe is voicing all of Max's insecurities in Chloe's voice.

Mr. Jefferson: I think you’d be perfect for my new photo series on retro-grunge... You have the same qualities that I loved in Rachel Amber... but not Max...

Chloe: Max is a fucking child...

Mr. Jefferson: Oh Christ, I know... and she never shuts up, does she?

Chloe: I’m so over her hipster bullshit.

Mr. Jefferson: I think everyone at Blackwell is over Max... Let’s prove it. Max kissed Chloe

Chloe: Booyah, Warren! I thought you were all over Max’s shit...

Warren: She's not all that... so who cares if she doesn't kiss me?

Chloe: You should have seen her make a move on me in my room... Hella lame.

Warren: Max should see me make a move on you... Come here...

Chloe kisses Warren. Max only kissed Warren

Chloe: Booyah, Warren! I thought you were all over Max’s shit...

Warren: Not after she kissed me... her breath was ass and no tongue...

Chloe: I hear that. I'm not into... nerds but you're pretty cute...

Warren: I'm not into Max, anyway. So let's bust a move...

Chloe kisses Warren. To note, Max very much looks like she gives Chloe tongue in their long kiss in Bay ending, unlike her very fast kiss with Warren. Having never kissed before until she does Chloe or Warren or both, she feels very insecure on if she is good at kissing.

Chloe: Holy shit, Warren! Max is trying to play us both!

Warren: I guess she's not as innocent as she acts...

Chloe: Not when she's trying to hook up with both of us...

Warren: I only want to go ape with you, Chloe... Come here...

Chloe: Booyah, Warren! I thought you were all over Max’s shit...

Warren: She's sure the hell not into me at all... who cares?

Chloe: I guess we're "not her type"... like Max has a fucking type?

Warren: But she does... She's into Mr. Jefferson... Now come here...

Chloe kisses Warren.

You'll notice whether Max kisses Chloe or not, this is all about Chloe flirting with a boy and taunting Max with what a loser she thinks she is, mirroring Max's own fears that she isn't cool or good enough for Chloe. She writes in her journal, I feel like a groupie when I talk to Chloe about our life experience... she has me so beat. I take pictures, she takes action. You might argue Warren was kissing Chloe too and that maybe she was experiencing some pain watching him flirt with others... but I don't think so. Max never admits to liking him back in the game. The most she says is in the alternate reality when Chloe asks if she's dating anyone at Blackwell. She says, "I was supposed to go out with this guy named Warren, but I don't think he's into me anymore..." or she says "This guy Warren asked me out, but I turned him down. Now he's with somebody else..." She doesn't say this boy I liked asked me out but now he's going with someone else, she just says she was 'supposed' to go out with him (because he asked about the drive in). With Chloe, she's straight up writing journals about seeing her as more than a friend. I don't think Max was experiencing pain and jealously because Warren was kissing Chloe, but because Chloe was kissing him. Her journal even confirms she wasn't upset about Warren kissing someone else, but upset Chloe was kissing someone other than her. Maybe that's why I hated watching Chloe being so cruel in the nightmare, calling me names and flirting with all those people... I was surprised that it was like a physical pain in my heart. Is that the power of friendship... or love? There is no mention of being in pain watching Warren kissing someone else.

Nathan: Goddamn, you are a sexy bitch! Why hang out with Max, huh? Chloe: Boredom. Plus she’s like my personal puppet. Nathan: I hear that. Do you... want to party? I got a drugstore in my room. Chloe: Oh shit! Look at Max spying on us... Take a fucking picture, bitch! Or take a selfie! Chloe stands on the couch in her underwear, dancing. Chloe: See, this is how you bust a move, Max... No mosh pit for you, shaka brah! Chloe: Damn, Victoria... You're a real woman... not a little girl like Max... Victoria: I fucking love your tats, Chloe. You're so hot. I can’t believe it took us so long to hook up... They begin to make out.

Chloe: Why did you get rewind powers? You don’t even know how to use them... Rachel’s dead and you’re still alive. Life is... so not fair. Chloe appears in front of Max and takes photos of her.

Chloe: I wish you would have never come back to Arcadia Bay... You’re the real storm. Chloe continues to voice Max's insecurities, she even voices Max's insecurities over being seen as a little girl. I always took this as Max insecure over her small chest, something smaller breasted girls often struggle with, making them almost feel like little girls. Nightmare Chloe is voicing every insecurity Max has that is making Max think Chloe wouldn't really want her. There is nothing like the sense of relief after waking up from a vivid nightmare. Despite all the terrible things that have been happening this past week, I felt so free and hopeful when I finally woke up. And my nightmare was so obvious... all my fears about being an artist, about my rewind power, and, of course, about my partner in crime and time, Chloe Price.

We've been through so much together and we might go through more, depending on how this all ends... either in Heaven or Hella... Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Max's journal continues to confirm the nightmare was about her fears, her rewind power and all about Chloe. Now the dream changes again, with Max trapped in the Two Whale Diner's bathroom with all these numbers written all over the room. Max is scared there may be no escape. But there's one number that shows in the mirror she can see. 0311. Chloe's birthday. Just like Chloe remembered her birthday, Max's sub conscious made Chloe's birthdate the number to save her from the room she was trapped in. Max then walks through the Two Whales Diner as everyone begs for her to save them. She soon encounters herself, Alternate Max, who challenges Max's choices and decisions. Alternate Max: Holy shit, are you cereal? I'm you, dumbass. Or I'm one of many Maxes you've left behind...

Alternate Max: Oh, so you want help? Thought you could control everybody and everything, huh? Twist time around your fingers

Alternate Max: No, you only wanted to be popular. And once you got these amazing powers, your big plan was to trick people into thinking you give a rat's ass. Alternate Max: By telling people what they want to hear? You were just looking for a shortcut, because you can't make friends on your own. Alternate Max: Please, stop playing innocent. You're a goddamn hypocrite. You've left a trail of death and suffering behind you. Max: This has to be my destiny to save her... I wouldn't be trapped in here if I didn't believe that... Alternate Max: No kidding. Chloe trapped you with her drama. Guns, drugs, Rachel... Even stealing money from the handicapped fund. She's just using you, dude./Alternate Max: No kidding. Chloe trapped you with her drama... guns, drugs, Rachel... She's just using you, dude.

Alternate Max: Like, she even asked you to end her life and do what she couldn't do by herself.

Max: Chloe does a better job of guilt-tripping me than you do.

Alternate Max: Because you let her bully you. It's called "Stockholm Syndrome." But you didn't do that homework... so you'll have to learn the hard way. Like Rachel...

Max: Just shut up. You're not scaring me anymore.

Alternate Max: I'd be more worried about Chloe killing us than Jefferson... Alternate Max: Max, do you really think she has any feelings for us? You're just another puppet...

Alternate Max brings up some true insecurities on how Max used her power and the choices she made, but Max boldly challenges this Alternate Max. Max isn't afraid anymore. This twisted nightmare version of herself is questioning all of Max's choices and also tries to turn her on Chloe, trying to suggest Chloe bullies her. I feel the need to give my Before you say Chloe is a bad friend post another poke - this Alternate Max is the darkest parts of Max trying to break her and Chloe apart, and Max, stronger and braver than ever is fighting back. She isn't scared anymore. And guess who finally shows up in the dream? Chloe. Right at the moment Alternate Max is questioning if Chloe really has feelings for her.

Chloe: Dude, do not even fuck with her head! She knows what we went through together this week and you don't! There's no way you can break up our team! This is reality! Chloe comes in and tells Alternate Max off. She calls her out, calls her out for lying and trying to mess with Max's head. Her anger at this Alternate Max drives Alternate Max out, and Max ends up in the final part of the nightmare, walking through a world of all their frozen memories in time.

Max relives everything, talking in Chloe's truck upon reuniting, Chloe gifting her William's camera, Chloe dancing on her bed as Max takes a picture, them on the cliff together discussing how it feels like destiny they're together again, them together at the Two Whales Diner, the junkyard, Max worrying her powers might not last forever and Chloe promising they will, forever. Them calling each other their partners in time and crime at Blackwell, swimming at the pool, calling each other cute, Max waking up next to Chloe in bed for a photo and Chloe photo bombing her, Chloe's kiss dare, the discovery in Frank's RV, when she goes back in time to save William FOR Chloe, she and Chloe at the beach talking about the golden hour, she and Chloe looking back on childhood memories and Chloe requesting her final memory be with Max... Max's excitement returning to Chloe again, the dark room discovery, Chloe crying as she finds Rachel.

And then Chloe's voice, calling out to Max.

Chloe: Come on Max, we’re almost there! Please wake up! Max, can you hear me? Hang on, Max, we can make it! Listen to me! Max! We’re near the lighthouse! Wake up! Dammit, Max, don't let me down!

Chloe: Max, come on now! Don't worry... we'll be okay. It is Chloe who saves Max from the nightmare. Chloe is the lighthouse. She is the guiding light. When Max awakens, Chloe has gotten them to safety. Max's love of Chloe leads her out of the nightmare. And now that we have gone over the dream in detail, you can see how Warren's role in the nightmare was that role for a reason. Everything in the dream had meaning. Max came out of that dream realizing they were more than friends. Questioning if it was the power of friendship or love? I think Chloe Price and Max Caulfield are both lesbians. By the end Life is Strange Before the Storm, Chloe has figured herself out. She likes girls and girls only. Max is on the path to figuring herself out in Life is Strange. Max may be able to kiss Warren in the game, but Chloe also kissed boys and had sex with them before she realized herself. I understand not everyone may agree, I understand the bisexual representation many see with Max is important but I also think it's important to not ignore what the game shows us and take that into consideration. Going back to the Cliff, where Max says to Chloe Max: Fuck that! No... no way! You are my number one priority now. You are all that matters to me. All she is thinking about on that cliff is Chloe, not Warren, but Chloe. Her love for Chloe outshines him or anyone else in the town. You can't not notice it is only Chloe with Max as the storm comes toward the town. She didn't get Warren to safety, she got Chloe there, Chloe got her there. She says these things to Chloe on the beach. Max: Oh, you're alive! You're alive, oh... Both of us! I did so much to bring you back, Chloe... and it worked. It actually worked. You're with me again. All she is thinking about is Chloe. Max: Maybe I willed it subconsciously, or something. I always wanted my life to be special... an adventure... but not without you. And it didn't happen until I moved back here, so... without you, my powers wouldn't even exist. On the cliff, Chloe: You... You could use that photo to change everything right back to when you took that picture... All that would take is for me to... to... [Chloe holds her face in her hands]

Max: Fuck that! No... no way! You are my number one priority now. You are all that matters to me.

Chloe: I know. You proved that over and over again... even though I don't deserve it. I'm so selfish... not like my mom... Look what she had to give up and live through... and she did. She deserves so much more than to be killed by a storm in a fucking diner. Even my step... father deserves her alive. There's so many more people in Arcadia Bay who should live... way more than me...

Max: Don't say that... I won't trade you. Chloe: You're not trading me. Maybe you've just been delaying my real destiny... Look at how many times I've almost died or actually died around you. Look at what's happened in Arcadia Bay ever since you first saved me. I know I've been selfish, but for once I think I should accept my fate... our fate...

Max: Chloe...

Chloe: Max, you finally came back to me this week, and... you did nothing but show me your love and friendship. You made me smile and laugh, like I haven't done in years. Wherever I end up after this... in whatever reality... all those moments between us were real, and they'll always be ours. No matter what you choose, I know you'll make the right decision.

In the end, Max can let Chloe convince her the right thing to do is save everyone, but it is important to note it is Chloe who has to give Max the idea, as Max cannot let her mind go there with Chloe as she loves her to much. If she chooses to let Chloe die, she gives Chloe a long, long kiss goodbye, full of her love and feelings. If she chooses to save her, Chloe promises her she'll always be with her and Max says Forever, showing her love for Chloe and that she wants to be with her... forever.

Oh and I almost forget to mention this special detail During the storm, Max finds this x about October road trips and drive ins. Max thinks "If we can make it out of this, Chloe..." She isn't thinking about Warren, she's thinking about wanting to go on a road trip or drive in with Chloe. There are also lots of unused audio x that really make things clear like this one. Max during the interactive Chloe and Max museum path in her nightmare: "Oh, my Chloe... It feels like we've lived a thousand lives this week. I'd do anything just to wake up next to you... Maybe if I get to the lighthouse, this will all finally end.. x In February 2016, Michel Koch confirmed that Max and Chloe is the ultimate pairing during a Twitch stream with Luc Baghadoust. When interviewers asked about romance (i.e. Max and Chloe's relationship), he replied: "Chloe et Max ne marchent qu'ensemble", which means they "only walked together" (as also in romantically attached to each other) as in they are a great pair and can only function with each other.

Another point I want to make as I near the end of this post, that Max and Chloe's love interests are women (Max with Chloe, Chloe with Rachel and Max) and they both express at times disgust towards the opposite sex and their supposed loved interests (Warren and Elliot) that feels very lesbian in nature, in contrast to Sean and Alex who are bisexual, who have equal sexual attraction shown to both sexes, with Sean having Cassidy and Finn and Alex having Steph and Ryan and being equally attracted and comfortable with them, versus how Max and Chloe behave with Warren and Elliot. Their love for the women in their lives outshines the men they feel discomfort in, as Max's nightmare even explores. I think if Max and Chloe were actually bisexual, they wouldn't spend all their screen time only able to see boys as surface level cute (or hot as Chloe put Jefferson) and otherwise be repulsed by boys. Having played this game many times, closely paying attention to the scenes, the dialogue, the journals, the texts... I truly think it was the intent of the creators that Max and Chloe are lesbians. But I think they as of yet have not confirmed anything because they feel it is important to allow players to discover on their own what their sexuality is, by piecing together details they so carefully crafted into the story. I still hope one day they confirm lesbian to us. I understand the bi label is important for many for Max, but playing the game so many times... lesbian just feels more Max. And for those of us who have taken notice, we want more people to see what we see. Thank you for reading, feel free to share around or send to people you want to better understand why some of us view Max and Chloe as lesbians - though I think most agree Chloe is a lesbian, it's more Max that has everyone divided! This is a post I wanted to write for my Max blog to share my headcanons around Max being exclusively same sex attracted along with Chloe and for others who feel the same about them being lesbians to have a post that covers lots of details that can be shared or quoted for those who wanted others to understand better why so many call Max a lesbian too!

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok obviously because i am myself i have to journal through some Big Feelings!!!!

here are some of my feelings:

i feel an immense sense of relief. i have been in so much pain for so long with no solutions and no clear endpoint. i feel like i've been slowly losing my mind for weeks. it is just not good for your brain to experience that much pain or to feel that much raw despair every night for so long. i can have my baby and then i can have the surgeries and then i can get PT and then i can recover normal motor functions and not be in excruciating agony. i feel like i've been so deep in the despair pit that i've started losing sight of the fact that i'm genuinely excited to have a baby. i've started losing sight of the fact that there's going to be a baby, period. it's felt like this would just last forever and ever and ever. but it won't. it might last another month or two but from sunday onwards i will be moving in the direction of less pain.

i feel an immense sense of guilt. i know i should wait until 39-40 weeks for his health/well-being but also i know many people who were induced early and their babies are fine. i was born at 38 weeks and he'll be born at 37.5 weeks and i have had no lasting health issues. and they will keep a close eye on him and we will be able to manage anything that happens. i am trying not to let myself be swallowed up by the fear that i am being hugely selfish by prioritizing an end to my own pain over his well-being. i love him so much and i want him to be healthy but i also have to trust that my health and well-being matters and is important to his health and well-being. like i guess start as you mean to go on, you know, and i want to try to be a parent who can make decisions that take care of my kid but also honor my own needs.

i feel frustrated. as my sister pointed out if people had felt a greater sense of urgency about the pain earlier i probably could have gotten to "clear evidence of nerve damage" sooner and then had time to prepare for an early term induction instead of making it feel so rushed. also maybe i wouldn't have done so much damage to my hands in the meantime. i mean maybe everything would've played out exactly the same way and that's fine but it is still a little frustrating to tell people that you are in the worst pain you've ever experienced and to have them be like aw i'm sorry but that seems normal. but it's fine! it's fine.

i feel kind of proud of myself. one of my goals for pregnancy esp after the pregnancy loss over the summer was to get better at medical self-advocacy. i tend to be really cowed by doctors and to downplay symptoms or to assume that if i am a bit more forceful in asking for things i'll be labeled a difficult patient. but i think over the last couple months i have done a good job of nicely but firmly being like, this is not normal. this is not normal. this is not normal. i know you are saying this is normal but this is not and cannot be normal. and i feel like saying that repeatedly and showing up to the ED and calling all the time finally made people be like hm maybe this isn't normal, and then i was able to get objective confirmation that my hands were sooo fucked up, and now things are happening that are moving me towards a future without this pain.

i feel stressed about work but also in some ways i've moved so far beyond that i don't feel that stressed. like i just don't have time to care about my boss yelling at me or being passive-aggressive towards me for leaving early. i'm about to do something that is so, so, so, so, SO immensely more important and meaningful and life-affirming than like, figuring out who's going to cover tabling events or run an application workshop in the fall. like come on. i am not going to expend a single ounce of energy on that in this last week. i will wrap up everything to the very best of my ability and then i will leave it. nothing is life or death in this job, and i have done a good job already of preparing my team for the transition.

i feel panicky!!!!!! i'm going to have a baby in less than a week. i thought i had more time although like what was i even going to do with that time given the fact that i can barely perform household chores or type for more than 30 min at a time or sleep. i feel panicky just because it feels so sudden, but also like, i have everything i need to bring him home, and i've read all the books and done all the pre-baby prep work and i've spent nine months getting ready for this moment. i have a bunch of chores and errands i want to take care of before sunday, but then i want to really dedicate saturday to reflection and journaling and taking long walks and just like, experiencing the last day of being just me.

i feel grief!!!! a whole part of my life - the part where i'm not a parent - is ending. i wish i had more time to honor that transition and to reflect on what it meant. i will definitely carve out time this week to do that and will try to not fritter away the next five days with errands... i think it's much more important to spend time getting myself emotionally ready.

this is a little dumb but i must voice it aloud: i feel weirdly sad about ending the part of my life where my dogs were my most important companions & beloved creatures. i know they will continue to be my beloved creatures! my best little guy and my sweet scruffy little girl! but the time when we were just a little family unit of three is ending and everything will be different now even if it will also be better and richer in a whole host of ways. i have already done a lot of crying and forcibly snuggling a disgruntled Pip and i anticipate there is a lot more of that in my future this week lol. but we will take lots of good long walks and i'll snuggle them so much and i will just trust that it might take a little time for us to settle back into our new normal but we'll get there.

i feel grief, too, at the thought of not being pregnant anymore. in some ways i'm SO ready... my whole body just feels so heavy and so uncomfortable and so swollen, and of course, as you might have heard, my hands hurt so much i think about cutting my fingers off at least once a night. but for the most part, up until this last stretch of pain, i've really, really loved being pregnant. i love feeling him kick and stretch and roll over inside of me. i love rubbing the outside of my stomach and feeling him press against the inside in response, like we're talking to each other, like we're making contact. my baby!! my little guy i've carried inside of me for nine months. i did expect to have more time to savor the end of pregnancy and to honor the experience (even the painful parts) in ways that felt meaningful to me. i feel real grief about not being sure if i'll ever get to do this again! and i wish, idk, i wish i could've paced myself through the end of it differently and had time away from the distractions of work to really have this experience of being in my very pregnant body, connected to my baby in a way I'll never be again, in a way that has felt really deeply meaningful to me. i'll do my best to make that time this week, and i know it's ok, i know that the next chapter will be so good too, but i can grieve not getting to have the ending to pregnancy i wanted.

i feel ready to be changed forever. the rush at the end is not what i wanted for myself, just in terms of getting my head on straight before he arrived, but on some deeper level i've been ready for this for so long, and i'm so, so ready. i want to meet my baby. i can't believe he's going to be my kid for the rest of my life. i can't believe how lucky i am that i got to choose this for myself and that i get to live the life i wanted. i'm so ready. i'm so ready. i can't wait to meet my kid and i can't wait to meet my new self on the other side of this big, big, big, forever-life-altering change.

[imsickofpasswords]

GOS2 analysis: A New Hope (or… Guys, I think I cracked the ending !!!😳🤯)

SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!! (Even for those who watched both seasons several times!!!)

Hi! You are about to read a mixture between a theory and a revelation. Both could be figments of my mind making things up by dint of overthinking and overwatching (...is there such a thing as overwatching GO?) Anyway, I must warn you that if you DO see what I think I saw, the agony you endured for months (maybe you got used to it, maybe you befriended it, maybe you don’t want it to go), the excruciating pain that led you here, will come to an end NOW. For me, Good Omens is a work-of-art and NOTHING will take the passion/obsession away, trauma or no trauma. If you're like me, then read on! 

Before I dive into the thick of the matter, allow me to stress a couple of things. I know you know, but this is still very important. Please, bear with me…

Aziraphale and Crowley KNOW each other. 

They share a 6000 year-old friendship. Surely you experienced that, at least once in your life, with a long-time friend or partner: you finish each other’s sentences, you glance at each other and burst out laughing when nobody else understands why, you speak the same coded language that doesn’t even require words. That’s how close Aziraphale and Crowley are. Aziraphale can predict Crowley's every reaction. He knows how to manipulate him with just a pout or a frown. Crowley knows what makes Aziraphale tick. He knows what the angel holds dearest. He can figure out Aziraphale's state of mind just by listening to the TONE of his voice. He knows how Aziraphale SMELLS! 

They also know WHO the other one is, I mean deep down, what they want and what they’re capable of… 

Aziraphale and Crowley TRUST each other. 

‘I could always rely on you, you could always rely on me.’ 

And

'You could have walked away'

'You said trust me'

'And you did.'

So on… you know all those lines by heart and I'm sure you could come up with oodles of examples. 

Walls have ears(floors too).

Someone wrote somewhere (was that on Youtube?) that the 25 lazari miracle could have been performed by the Metratron, since the magic circle was once used to contact him and was probably never turned off properly afterwards. That's an interesting theory. 

Personally, I don't believe the Metatron was involved in the miracle. I already elaborated about this in my first theory https://www.tumblr.com/imsickofpasswords/732879204359847936/a-theory-of-the-ineffable-plan-by and sort of got confirmation when Uriel asked what the miracle was and Aziraphale answered 'love, it was love!' 

I nonetheless realized that the Metratron could indeed be using this channel to spy on Aziraphale. If so, since when? I don’t think it could be from the first time Aziraphale drew the circle, because Adam reset reality after that. Adam would have closed the portal, wouldn't he? Idk. My bet is the snooping began after the miracle, and the magnitude of the miracle is what scared the Metratron into trying to separate Aziraphale and Crowley.  

Such considerations had me wonder if what feels like altered memories isn't actually the Metratron prying into Aziraphale's mind (indigovigilance from Tumblr pointed out that ALL the flashbacks seem to emanate from Aziraphale). Or maybe the Metatron has been reading… Aziraphale’s diary. (Btw, does anyone know what happened to that diary?) The Metratron does brag about looking back over Aziraphale's "exploits" (translation: infringements). Plural. So, not just stopping Armageddon? What else? Saving Job's children? Helping out Elspeth? 

What's more, the Metatron compliments Muriel, the "dim one", on reading books. 'What a splendid thing to do!' and then he glares at the bookshop. 

Aziraphale is not always Aziraphale

I don’t know about you, but I shriveled in horror when Aziraphale promised to give away a book. Had I just slipped into another dimension?

One perfectly acceptable explanation is that love is more important to Aziraphale than books. Fine. Why then does he only offer to LEND a book after Crowley pointed out how IMPOSSIBLE it is for the angel to even THINK of selling a book? In the novel, people who insist on buying books from Aziraphale’s shop go missing FOREVER…

It feels like the usurper realized they made a mistake and tried not to make it twice. Also, what's with the French? Aziraphale spoke French when he was in prison, and he certainly wasn't struggling like that. Last but not least, he does move his hands a lot, but not in the same fashion as he usually does. This was NOT Aziraphale (I think).

We saw how supernatural beings can change their appearance without swapping bodies. Shax changed her face whilst hitchhiking when she HAD NO REASON TO (Aziraphale had never met her before). 

I believe the Metatron is the one who turned into Aziraphale. But just for a moment ( I burnt my eyes checking Michael Sheen's every facial expression and gesture and tone of voice throughout the entire season and I couldn't spot anything amiss outside that moment, let me know if I'm wrong). Just a short period of time, then. Why? To see if Crowley would fall for it. I don't know if our beloved demon did. 

The obvious objection to this theory is: surely the real Aziraphale would realize that some of his guests had already been invited by… HIMSELF? Well, Nina kept Crowley for a moment. We don't know that the Metatron didn't go around erasing people's memory of him. 

Ok, okay, admittedly,  it is far-fetched, probably complete bullshit. But I needed to mention this because it's also a part of how I interpret the ending. Nope! I'm not saying the Metatron is the one who got kissed by Crowley!!! That would be… OMG, 🤮

The bullet trick…

Aziraphale is a magician. And his magic seems to always work when he needs it most, providing he uses this formula:"banana, fish, gorilla, shoelace with a dash of nutmeg” the magic words that Mark Gatiss as a zombie reads from the angel's lips. 

And there it comes, the showstopper. Actually the "REHEARSAL of the showstopper", as I call it, and you’ll find out why very soon. Please, pause here and go fetch the scene, you’ll need to watch CAREFULLY. See how scared Crowley is when Aziraphale hands over the gun? Crowley is maybe wondering why the miracles aren't working and if he is not about to actually kill his only friend. Then, Crowley mutters something. No idea what, but something like, I can't do it. And Aziraphale, reading his lips, replies in the same fashion, lipspeaking. Whatever the angel says then, Crowley understands it, and it's enough for him to overcome his fear. 

The ACTUAL showstopper.

I think you got it by now: what I thought when I saw that, and what I wanted to do next. I didn't rush to the last episode although I was dying to. I didn't want to miss anything and I couldn't believe what I expected would actually happen. But it DID. 

The Metatron knows that people are predictable and that nobody ever chooses death over coffee. We don't see his entire conversation with Aziraphale but even if the Metatron doesn't flat out threaten to erase Crowley's name from the Book Of Life, Aziraphale is very aware that this is an option as Michael already said she was given permission to do so. Check Aziraphale's face the minute the Metatron mentions Crowley. Aziraphale hears the threat loud and clear. His face goes grim. He knows he doesn't have a choice but to play along if he's going to save Crowley. 

"Go tell your friend the good news!" 

Aziraphale smiles, but he is distraught and terrified. The ineffable husbands KNOW each other, remember? There’s no way Aziraphale thinks Crowley will follow him to heaven. Besides, Aziraphale is INTELLIGENT. He knows The Metadick (whoever invented that name, I love you) doesn’t want Crowley back. So all the pleading, come with me, to the light, we'll be doing good, yada yada… is FAKE. All Aziraphale wants when he enters the bookshop is to let Crowley know about the situation without raising suspicions from the Metatron who is watching from outside. That's why the angel keeps glancing at the window whilst using his "something is wrong voice". Now, dear reader, fellow victim who cried your eyes out for months, if you still have eyes, LOOK AGAIN. 

When Aziraphale starts to talk about the offer, Crowley frowns, not in disbelief or in anger but in intense focus on… Aziraphale's lips. Can you see them? The SILENT words at the end of the sentences? Tell me you see them too. Please. You do, right? Or do I need to seek help? 

Everything after that, every line, is a smoke screen meant for the Metatron (and poor us…) The Metatron is to believe that two lovers got into a fight and got torn apart. Even angels and demons are predictable! 

The kiss, of course, is a mean to conceal the moment when Crowley extracts himself from the timeline, taking Aziraphale with him so they can discuss away from prying eyes and ears. Hence the missing fifteen minutes on the clock. 🙂

I think Crowley's confession was genuine. But it was also there to make the fight more convincing. And no one here will say it wasn't convincing… My guess is there must have been another confession, maybe another kiss? A real, tender, passionate, romantic, heart-wrenching kiss that left Aziraphale pressing hard on his lips, aching for more. “Do it again.” But the Metatron would notice… so… "I…forgive you", you foul fiend who thought you could tempt me with such a lowly, dirty and pathetic trick (translation, I love you… and I don't want to leave you, go before I burst into tears, I don't have sunglasses…)

So. They didn't fight!!!!  They are still a team, a group of two, a couple, and more than ever!! 

Not done yet. There is one last thing that you saw. When the Metatron reveals his plans about the Second Coming, Aziraphale pauses before entering the elevator. And it may last less than a split second, but I can swear that his lips moved again as he was staring at Crowley. Someone crossed the street right after, but Aziraphale kept looking at Crowley although the camera was too far for us to see the lips. However, there was enough time to convey a lot of information. 

Now, did they swap? Aziraphale doesn't gesture much after the kiss. Crowley drives under the speed limit and for the first time while Crowley is driving, Queen isn't playing. But. Aziraphale is walking away from his friend-now-lover, not knowing if he actually saved him, or… knowing that he did NOT save him. Crowley is crushed, and probably worried sick about Aziraphale walking alone into an obvious trap. The demon can remember only too vividly how Heaven wanted to end Aziraphale. 

The Bentley is sad too, and not just because her master is. She (Yes, she!) grew feelings for Aziraphale, who allowed her to wear fancy yellow and took her to an exciting trip and managed to have her play something new… She likes him so much that she tries to follow him, like a puppy, remember? I think she's the one who played the Nightingale song, to comfort Crowley and herself. As Sendaraya predicted in one of her YouTube videos, we may find out later that this was the Ineffable Husbands' song, ever since 1941, when their relationship started to drift towards romance. 

Last but not least, the main reason why I don't think they swapped. I firmly believe the Metatron is planning to wear Aziraphale's face again. Metasick has unresolved issues with Crowley who, annoyingly, still retains some of his memories. Memories that may have become indelible because of Aziraphale's presence. But of course, to impersonate Aziraphale, Crowley's soft spot and only weakness, the Metatron needs to keep Aziraphale out of the picture…

To be continued… (Season 3!!! And for the record, great pustulent mangled bollocks to the ones who delayed it, and I'm NOT talking about the writers and actors…🤬)

Thanks for reading^^

[multiplicationdivision]

Two Video Games, One Controller

Warning: Not really anything sexual. Just stuff I enjoy!

Adjusting to two bodies was unique.

You wake up, tired and caffeine deprived. Get through making your first cup of Joe, too exhausted to even remember what’s different.

You wake up again.

It’s always a surprise. Opening your eyes again in bed when you are also drinking from your favorite cup of cheap cheap roast. That television in your mind switched to a second channel. Playing two games with the same controller.

It isn’t as hard as it sounds.

Two bodies means two brains. Sure, there’s that consolidated personality, that same person at the center of the operation. You can see out of both pairs of eyes, feel out of the same skin. You have twice the subconscious though and twice the neurons to do twice the tasks.

You see yourself enter the room, identical man wearing the boxers and shirt you never thought you’d share. You’re not sharing, but there’s enough dissonance between two bodies that it feels like you’re sharing.

You shouldn’t have been dared into this latest trend.

The celebrities on TV made it seem so cool. Two of the same blond actresses and two of her man, probably paid to make the process seem easy and hot. They had fun juggling an interview between bodies and some part of that seemed nice.

You meanwhile did the thing that was far too cheap upfront and way too complicated out the back.

This other you, who shared every thought and emotion, stared back at you. You stared through him and back at yourself. You couldn’t tell who was put off by you, but the coffee aftertaste made you want to think it was the first body.

It was easy thinking two bodies meant twice the limbs, the same body for the same entity, just more spread out. That wouldn’t be a hive mind though. There was an echo of two minds, wrapping themselves loosely into one mind.

His and yours, bouncing back and forth and confusing themselves because at some points they stopped being one and started being two. It was confusing to say the least.

One of you wore the t-shirt that you should’ve thrown away years ago and the other could tell how shit it looked. That meant twice the awareness of the fact that you wore the threadbare garbage to a date last week. Before all this.

Both of you would have to go to work. Your boss was sympathetic to your drunk decision making and she’d been needing more hands. He, or maybe they, were lucky in a way to have found her some.

The worst part was the embarrassment.

It didn’t say good things about a person to have divided yourself in such a way. Almost like a face tattoo, but with a glaring two-person sign that screamed narcissism and loneliness. Just as permanent as a tattoo too, unless you were willing to pay the therapy that would get you functional again after experiencing actual death.

It wasn’t like losing a limb. You’d checked. The people that came after certainly didn’t look like they’d just lost a cloned body. Most just straight up died, if not immediately, then soon after.

They’d outlawed the shit a day ago, but you were unlucky enough to have fallen face first into the bullet before that. Now you were just one of the many victims who’d chased a tech trend before the side effects were listed. Kyle still texted more than once a day to apologize. You couldn’t blame him much. It had seemed cool.

The most embarrassing part was that fact.

It was cool.

When the dissonance died away with another cup of coffee, it felt good. Gathering up the necessities for work as the other body got outfits together.

They’d needed to buy what felt like a whole other closet and it had been necessary. It was expensive, but fun. You’d always wanted to see first person what you looked like and there was a confidence in confirming that you did actually look good. Bought a variety of the same outfits in different colors.

It had felt way too confusing wearing different shoes and different clothes the few times you’d tried it. One of you would think he was wearing converse whilst the other had boots with a heal. You’d both fallen on your own feet numerous times. It never felt good to feel cold in one body whilst the other was warm. Like drinking boiling mint.

You now had duplicated shoes and the general outfit, but you avoided matching. Maybe it just felt a little too uncanny, but it was mostly to avoid the attention. You always tried to pass it off as being twins, but it hadn’t worked yet. Twins didn’t walk in sync or both answer the same sentence. It was just hard to stay aware of such a thing when you both weren’t focused.

You were getting better at it though. Yesterday, one you had gone out with a placating Kyle and his own friend group whilst the other stayed home to watch Cheers. You could stay focused on one screen whilst staying focus on the other, and a part of you got off on that. You’d even maybe shown off too much when cute Henry asked you to describe scene by scene of what your other self was watching.

When you forgot the last week, every day was way more than before. One of you could read as the other drove, not breaking any laws in the process! Admittedly, the ways you explored a doubled existence were pretty boring. You’d been able to spot yourself at the gym though, that was weird.

You’d been able to masturbate whilst at the grocery story and that had also been weird. Less of a good weird that time. It hadn’t worked out. Turns out one can’t only become aroused in one body, which sorta blew out the plans for one body to slack around whilst the other worked.

Felt good to kiss Henry with two bodies though. That had happened. That had been good.

You were planning on it again. You’d get competitive again with your other self inevitably. Fortunately, he just found it charming, watching two brains running the same hardware find a way to be competitive whilst remembering being jealous from both ends. It was trippy and you made it work.

It was so bad and it was so good.

You gave yourself a look that you returned, something comforting flicking back ad forth in your duel brainstems. Feeling your foot on the gas as your phone swiped to the next page.

It was probably going to be fine.

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[dobbiamo-capire]

I honor of Monza 2019 anniversary, a little thinking about how actually THAT win changed everything

I still remember all the monza 2018 emotions, the slightest hate on Charles from Tifosi because “how can a young driver bring Ferrari back to its best? We need experienced drivers, it has always been like that”, so signing a so young driver after only half a season and in the place of last Ferrari champion was… a lot, not appreciated. But since Bahrain everyone could have seen Charles was fighting FOR Ferrari, not for himself (he was also fighting THAT Ferrari but well let’s forget about Bahrain). Spa happened just the week before and the general aura was “he deserved a better first win”, but in true Ferrari fashion everything has to be a little sad anyway, so it was a general happy/sad/what emotion should we feel. The quali mess made everyone forgot about Ferrari starting on pole honestly, and there was a general optimism but not so much, superstitions or not, we didn’t want to cheer (maybe 2018 scarred us? Yeah)

But omg the final laps. I was pacing my home as crazy, every tifosi was on edge, the cheer for every missed overtake from merc guy could be heard from kilometers, no one could believe in a home win after 9 years of hell. In the same day when Michael won his first Monza in red. It was not a coincidence, it was a crown passage. But I think that only NOW we can understand how much that win changed everything. In that moment it was the best home win, but I think it was the point that confirmed everything. The love from tifosi to Charles, even the more skeptical ones started to think “this is the man that can bring us up again”, and for Charles was the confirmation “I don’t want to win with another team that is not Ferrari”. Because if Charles brainwashed us believing he’s predistened to help Ferrari out of this mess, that podium definitely brainwashed Charles in not wanting anything else that is not the red team. I don’t think you can find any other emotions comparable to win as a Ferrari driver in monza, NOTHING. So if u want to blame something for the Charles not leaving Ferrari, I think you should blame Monza 2019. Because it didn’t change only the tifosi love, that even after 4 years didn’t fade, but also convinced Charles that no win can compare to tifosi love and appreciation. And every time he’s in Italy and he’s being reminded of that, showered with love from an entire nation, he knows he can’t leave that behind. If he wins the championship, it HAS to be with THAT amount of love. He can’t settle for less, it won’t be as magical as with the red crowd❤️

[abybweisse]

Hey Aby! In anticipation of the 205 chapter, I decided to go back and re-read Mey-Rin's and Bard's for clues of what may happen next to Snake and Finny. I noticed something interesting with both arcs - they both seem to hint at what their ultimate fates will be. While Bard's arc is all about meeting with wife and son while in a coma and he practically promises to return to them, Mey-Rin is an unwitting witness to a sex act, in an uncharacteristically graphic scene for Yana. Do you think that death is ultimately on the cards for Bard and (I guess) a marriage for Mey-Rin? Or is it all contained to their arcs themselves and does not mean anything beyond completing a mission?

⚠️ long post ⚠️

Assignments as foreshadowing?

I think that if Mey-Rin gets married, it would not be foreshadowed by her seeing sex acts through a keyhole.

She joined Qīng Bāng at a very young age and worked as a sniper, but she saw a lot going on around her. Well, as much as she could see without glasses. There were drugs, alcohol, and probably prostitution in and around the opium den, as well as throughout Limehouse district. One of her early assignments as an assassin was to shoot this guy at a hotel or perhaps in his own huge manor, right? He was a rival gang leader, and she shoots him while he's naked with some unnamed woman. He might have even been right in the middle of having sex when she shoots him. She's witnessed a lot in her young life.... Getting married to anyone would be despite the things she has seen and done. Reminds me of how Katniss finally settles down and has kids in The Hunger Games, even though she's been thoroughly traumatized by her experiences. So far, at least, Mey-Rin seems to have kept her mind pretty well intact. I hope she can continue to do so.

I think we can safely say she has somehow managed to remain a virgin up to this point, too. Otherwise, Georg von Siemens' inappropriate actions towards her wouldn't have been enough to make her question whether she was still worthy of marriage. Going by "Rin" and dressing as a boy until she joins the Phantomhive household might have been partly to protect her virtue. Good thing Haku was apparently only interested in her sniper abilities.

In Baldo's case, the interaction with Joanna and his son might be an indication he will have to break whatever promises he's made to them. At least for now. I mean, his claim he can now properly cook fried eggs is an exaggeration "Sebastian" calls out even before Baldo can fully return to the living realm.

I put Seb in quotations because I'm not sure whether Sebastian has infiltrated Baldo's coma or if he's just a nagging figment of his imagination.

Then again, maybe he will soon join them. We still don't have confirmation that he and the others safely made it out of Athena Sanatorium, thanks to a cliffhanger and moving on to the next assignment, with Finny and Snake. Next time we see Baldo et alia, they might be trying to take leave of the place... when Polaris freaking shows up, mad as all hell. Even if Ronald and William stick around and actually enter the fray (since it's another bizarre doll to take down), I don't see it ending too well. Baldo does seem to have this uncanny ability to survive, though, even if everyone else around him doesn't....

Either way, I highly doubt he will ever make it to Shanghai with the others, even if the others do. And if he stays in England and somehow still survives to the end of the series, this is most likely a false promise, as well:

Mostly because he's just that terrible in the kitchen.

I still somewhat hope Mey-Rin and Baldo end up together, despite their age difference. At least she is an adult already. Also, it was a very common practice in Victorian England for older men to marry much younger women, especially if those men were widowers. Much like Katniss again, perhaps Mey-Rin would only pair well with a man who has experienced much of the same trauma. Likewise, Baldo might now have trouble settling down with some completely innocent sort of woman. Katniss and Peeta go through the deadly and maddening games together. Baldo's been altered by war and losing his wife and son. Mey-Rin has been altered by her years as an assassin for a drug dealer and gang. Mey-Rin and Baldo have both been enlisted as servants for our earl, chosen because of their abilities and previous training; now they volunteer as pawns in this deadly game of chess against their young master's brother. Perhaps their bond will be strengthened by all this... if they live to see the end of it.

The main thing the first two assignments have in common, besides their basic instructions, is that Mey-Rin and Baldo each flashback to the events directly leading up to being offered positions as our earl's servants. Mey-Rin's flashback is triggered by Jane offering her the opportunity to switch sides. Her flashback shows us why her loyalty stays with our earl and Sebastian -- with the Phantomhive household.

Baldo's is triggered by Ada admitting her guilt as a survivor during warfare; Baldo feels much the same.

And he also develops loyalty towards our earl, Sebastian, and the other servants. Just like Jane ends up aiding the infiltrators, so does Ada.

As I'm typing this up, I realize "hunger games" describes both Mey-Rin's and Baldo's lives before: Mey-Rin is once fooled into biting a boot and is regularly given moldy bread to eat... while Baldo's battlefield starvation tempts him to cannibalize his fallen comrades. Sebastian barely arrives in the nick of time to stop him from eating the arm of Terry, or whoever that poor dead dude was, if it wasn't Terry. Sebastian shows up with a picnic basket filled with afternoon tea items and possibly more. The first thing our earl does to extend any kindness to Mey-Rin is provide her with the first hot, freshly prepared meal she's had in ages, perhaps as far back as she can remember.

Back to their assignments; they are paired with people who are in our earl's network but are not his servants. But Finny and Snake (and his snakes) are both Phantomhive servants, so do we get a major flashback from Finny, from Snake, from both, or from neither one? So far, Finny is having single-panel flashbacks and even briefly stating things he recalls to Snake and the top students. The orphanage reminds Finny of the research facility in some ways, and that could segue him into a major flashback. Since Doll is there, she could trigger Snake into one. However, before the assignments, they were the two we already knew the most backstory for, and we might never learn all that much more about either one. To deal with both characters, we might just continue to get tiny snippets here and there.

But Mey-Rin has a choice to make -- choose Jane's offer or remain loyal to our earl. She remains loyal, and Jane even helps her and Ran-Mao break up the blood collection operations there before parting ways. Mey-Rin and Ran-Mao just need to get to our earl and make their report.

Baldo still has a choice to make -- stay in England and return to our earl... or go with Lau and the others to China. Like I said before, he might never get to China, even if he tries. I do expect him to ultimately end up staying behind, possibly loaded down with fresh feelings of survivor's guilt. If Ada is still around when we get back to them, she might also decide to stay back and help Baldo take down the Aurora Society.

With Finny and Snake, I don't think Finny's loyalty could ever come into doubt. His choice might come down to whether he has to fight Snake. But I don't think Finny will see much, if any, choice in the matter if it comes to that.

Snake is probably about to hear Doll's full tale about the circus members' fates. Then his choice (and the choices of his individual snakes) is to either help Doll get revenge... or attempt to destroy her and shut down the orphanage. Snake is the last to join our earl's household, so he could end up the first to leave it (I don't think Tanaka has truly left). There's also the possibility that one of his snakes, like Emily, chooses Doll and must be eliminated.

There is foreshadowing in each assignment, but most of that pertains to what ends up happening in each assignment. I don't know what long-term foreshadowing there is in the assignments, other than perhaps some things not directly related to them... like:

The chance of Jane popping up again later because she hinted that she might

The shapes of souls and "aptitudes" hinting about soul transplants

If Layla ends up being Heathfield's daughter

If Layla/Al ends up being some experiment of Undertaker's regarding soul transplants

What I do see is each servant's loyalty being put to the test, and they must make quick, fateful decisions. Whatever choices they make during their assignments, they will ultimately affect the outcome of the story. Each assignment definitely has long-reaching consequences; they are not little bubbles of existence.

I hope I answered your question thoroughly. I stayed up too late working on this -- but not finishing it -- and have been half asleep all day.

[ownedbythescribe]

Cyno | Even The Smallest

ıllı Synopsis: Irrational? Stupid? Maybe, but a month without contact made you extremely lonely and insecure. The jealousy in your heart whispered unwanted thoughts. How could Cyno assure you? Would he assure you?

ıllı Genre: Romance

ıllı Warnings: Cyno x Fem!Reader, Suggestive Content, Slight Angst

ıllı A/N: I might have went overboard with this, but he’s one of my favorite characters! Enjoy! 

Mornings in the Avidya Forest were always a sight to see, and Tighnari never got tired of the ambiance that surrounded the village. The rays of the sun that peered through the leaves and the smell of damp soil considering that it rained the day before, were some of the things he appreciated the most. Letting out a soft sigh, the Forest Watcher walked towards the rendezvous point of the forest rangers to deliver their tasks.

“Today is going to be a bit hectic, but I expect that you all know how to handle your missions. Nasrin, Shirin, I’ll be stationing you near the falls below Sumeru City. There had been reports of an increase in aggressive fungi in the area, so it would be best to reduce the number and report the possible reason for such occurrence. As for—“ Tighnari continued to distribute the tasks for the day with a casual reminder such as withering zone and poisonous plants in particular areas.

Although the Irminsul had been healed thanks to the Traveler, there had been a few ones left above ground. Tighnari proposed that it must have been due to leftover elemental traces from where the roots dissipated. It was backed up by your research on those areas and previous observations when the tree was still sick.

After deploying the rangers, he turned to the group he will be working with which consisted of you and Collei. The green-haired trainee shuffled uneasily, bearing a wryly smile while glancing at your sulking form. Tighnari raised an eyebrow at your behavior before flicking your forehead.

“Care to tell me why you’re slouching like an old man on the ground, (Y/N)?” He inquired. You rubbed the pain away but did not answer him right away, opting to mumble your answer after the short silence. An irk mark appeared on his forehead.

“Stop mumbling like a child, you lummox.” He countered.

“It’s something personal, don’t worry. I’ll try not to let it distract me. Anyways, where are we heading today?” You diverged, a silent plea to save the topic for another time.

The fennec fox sighed before taking out his map. He had an inkling that it had something to do with your relationship, but it was not his business to mind if you were not willing to divulge it. Shaking his head, he pointed at the areas near Vimara Village and Molding Cavern. He informed you of the problems with irrigation experienced by the farmers as well as the lack of adequate sanitary water in the village. You hummed in thought, already noting the possible sources of the problem.

“There might have been problems with the pipe, and a piece of equipment must be malfunctioning inside the treatment facility. Let me just get Kaveh’s design and cross-check it with mine. We can head in a few. By the way, are we going to scout for withering zones today too? I remember Collei mentioning that there had been two zones eliminated near Apam Woods recently.” You voiced while writing notes on your pad.

Collei walked towards the map and pointed out that it would be good to check out the road leading to Caravan Ribat. The mere mention of the place made you flinch which did not go unnoticed by Tighnari. He sighed internally, his theory confirmed why you were sulky earlier.

“We can go check it out. Collei, don’t forget to bring your rations as well as your weapon. Also, bring a first aid kit before you go. Let’s meet back here in 15.” He ordered. You two nodded, returning to your respective homes to prepare for the trip.

The house you resided in Gandharva Ville was not that fancy. You did decorate it to make it cozy, a place where one can relax and forget about work. However, right now, it felt a little colder than before with how it was barely lived in. Your lover had not been around for a month now, and although you understand how busy he was with his work, it still made you feel lonely. The last date you had did not result well too. Cyno was immediately pulled back to his work, interrupting the small lunch date you two prepared.

‘I miss him so much.’ You thought, feeling your heart sting at the loneliness. You did not want to appear like a clingy girlfriend, but for once, the desire to be selfish bubbled in your stomach.

Letting out a disappointed sigh, you went to your vanity in search of Kaveh’s anecdotes on the treatment facility you designed with the Kshahrewar graduate. You also grabbed the pipeline design for the irrigation system. After doing a cross-check where the anomalies could have occurred, you bolted out of your house to meet up with the others.

The trips to Molding Cavern and Vimara Village were quite entertaining. You were able to figure out the problems with the pipelines, mostly the fact that they needed replacement. Tighnari also commented about the fertilizers the farmers could use for the next season, while Collei helped out with simple tasks in the village. Such a sweet thing, truly. As for the treatment facility, the problem laid with the filtration system which needed some internal adjustments and a few cleaning inside. You told the maintenance engineer stationed there to immediately contact the Akademiya for new resources. It should be done within the day.

“That should do it. Tighnari, Collei, I think I’m good here. I’ll make a report later on this and send it to the Acting Grand Sage. How about you two?” You inquired. Tighnari had just finished listing new techniques the farmers could utilize with their crops and storage. He also gave told them to contact the ranger should there be any problem in the future before giving you the okay sign.

“I am also done here, Miss (Y/N)! Should we have lunch in Pardis Dhyai before we go to Apam Woods?” Collei suggested. The mere mention of lunch had your stomach growling. Sheepishly, you have her a nod. She giggled and informed her master that they will be having lunch at the research facility.

The trip to Pardis Dhyai focused on Collei’s training. You left the two on their own since it looked like the trainee was about to have her exam soon. The Forest Watcher’s exam was notorious for its difficulty, but you believed that Tighnari made it that way so that it was drilled within each ranger the information on fauna and flora they needed to maintain the balance of the ecosystem and for their safety as well. However, leaving them to their devices meant that your mind would now drift back to Cyno.

‘I wonder if he’s taking care of himself properly? He’s not that reckless. Cyno is smart, but… I wish he had sent a letter to me about his whereabouts or situation. I would have compromised and— The audacity.’ You internally grumbled.

Tighnari would often glance your way and note how lost you were in your thoughts. He had also not heard from Cyno, so if that were the case for him, he could not even imagine how it was for you. That lummox clearly needed a huge wake-up call. Worrying his significant other like this was not right.

After you three reached the research facility and taken lunch, it was time to head to the woods. Collei noted the mushrooms and flowers present in the area, and you would constantly comment on plants she would find interesting. You also told her about the unique phenomenon in the area where the water would rise and drop depending on the time. If you remembered correctly, you overheard Tighnari and the Traveler talk about the contraption that caused this. It was truly fascinating, and you promised to check that one out.

“Hmm? What fools! Are they really diving in without even a vision on that Withering Zone!?” Tighnari growled. You three rushed towards the figures fighting the fungi in the zone. The side effects were already present with their movements, and if they maintain this pace, they might as well say farewell to the Lesser Lord.

“Let’s nip it in the bud!” Tighnari unleashed a barrage of dendro-infused arrows that targeted the largest fungi. Collei threw Cuilein-Anbar creating a field of dendro. You, on the other hand, took out your sword and infused it with dendro and began slashing at the buds. The fight ended well, but you noted that it could have been faster with elemental reactions.

Tighnari and Collei tended to the injured individuals. Their uniforms bore the insignia of the Corps of Thirty, but considering their battling experience, they must have been beginners. You told the Forest Watcher that you will be going to Caravan Ribat to ask for backup and carry them to safety.

“Thanks! Be careful on the way, (Y/N)!” He shouted.

With that, you raced to your destination. It was not that far and took about half an hour. Some Eremites waiting to hijack merchant carriages, so you took care of them as well. Once you reached the desert branch of the organization, you froze in place. There was your boyfriend talking with the person in charge of the office and beside him was Nilou. Seeing the dust in there clothes, they must have just returned from the desert.

‘Oh… so that’s how it is.’ You stepped in and showed your badge to the soldier stationed at the entrance. It proved your status as the Overseer, a position given by the Lesser Lord and Acting Grand Sage to act as a diplomat around Sumeru and report the status of progress in different areas. In return, compensations such as research budget, travel expenses, and access to sensitive information were at your disposal. It was a tough position to get, and the approval of an Archon was of utmost necessary.

“Pardon the interruption, you are Karim, right? I’m here to report about your men trying to expel a Withering Zone not far from here. They are in immediate need of medical care, so I suggest ordering your men to retrieve them. Forest Watcher Tighnari and his assistant await you there, so first aid is already given. Also, I’ll be reporting this mishap to the higher-ups. General Mahamatra, I hope you’re also doing your part in warning those strangers to danger. I’ll see you there then.” You coldly voiced. Before any of them could speak, you left the area. Cyno was flabbergasted by your attitude, suddenly fearing that he had done something wrong. Your words stung his pride, but his heart was mostly pained by your piercing gaze.

“Karim, immediately do as the Overseer’s orders. I’ll deal with matters here. There should be some soldiers here that you could lend to fend off the Eremites near Aaru Village. Miss Nilou, I also suggest you don’t get lost in the desert again. Mister Zubayr almost ripped the ear of one of the matras in Sumeru City.” Cyno pointed. Nilou apologized once again before asking if everything was all right after the cold tone he received from you.

It was no secret that there was something between the Overseer and the General Mahamatra as he would often accompany you to rendezvous places of the Akademiya’s transactions.

“I’m…not exactly sure. But I’ll deal with it somehow. Well then.” He left them in a hurry to try and catch up to you.

It was irrational and stupid, really. You should have just pulled him to the side and asked him why he did not send you any letter, but a month without contact made you extremely lonely and insecure. The jealousy in your heart whispered unwanted thoughts. Nilou was beautiful and kind, and it would be a surprise if he suddenly liked her. Although you know he was not the type to cheat, your belief that humans can easily change heart was also there.

“I need a break from this.” You whispered to yourself. The dendro vision beside you faintly glowed, responding to your haywire emotions.

When you returned, you told Tighnari that you will be going to Sumeru City and will not be able to go back with them to Gandharva Ville. He noticed the anger in your eyes and wanted to ask what happened, but there were tears already prickling your eyes. He patted your head and wiped the tears.

“You can go, (Y/N). Just don’t be reckless, and find a way to calm down. You don’t want to end up like those lummoxes we deal with everyday, right?” He teased. You were grateful for his perceptiveness. He knew when to leave you alone, and when to give advice. He was the greatest friend you could have.

“I will. See you two later.”

Ten minutes later, Cyno came rushing. He spotted Tighnari, Collei, and the soldiers dispatched to collect their comrades. However, there was no silhouette of you, which made him frantic. This was not evident to the others, but for the Forest Watcher who had been his friend for long, he knew that he was looking for you.

“Cyno, you dolt!” Tighnari called out. Cyno glanced in his direction and trotted over to him. He asked where you went, and he was received with a glare.

“She’s off to Sumeru. Do you know what you’ve done?” The Forest Watcher inquired. Cyno looked down, feeling guilty that he could not pinpoint the source of your possible anger.

Tighnari pinched the bridge of his nose and placed his index finger on the mahamatra’s chest. Cyno was not the best at expressing himself, much less understanding how a woman’s mind worked. He gladly pointed out his mistakes.

“Your partner was left alone in my care, and even I had no idea where you went to. Imagine how worried and insecure she must have been. Stop letting her compromise every time, Cyno, or she’ll slip away from you. You love her so much that you don’t want them to go, right?” Tighnari asked. He nodded, feeling more determined to explain himself to you and his friend.

“It was an urgent mission from them, and I could not send an immediate letter to you and her. Before I knew it, there was no way to get a messenger bird to send my letters. I’ll make things right again. Thank you, Tighnari.” Cyno uttered. He was about to go when Tighnari advised him not to make you cry again or he will answer to his fist.

You wanted to get away from everything swiftly, so without thinking, you activated the waypoint in Apam Woods and transported yourself outside Sumeru City. It was not common knowledge that these artifacts could teleport people, and after learning from the Traveler its mechanism, you opted to ask the Lesser Lord for permission to tinker with it. It was only now that you were able to fully use it. It was dangerous as it failed back then, but you thanked your luck that you did not end up teleporting with a half-body.

“I hate this feeling. The audacity not to send me a letter! Ludicrous! I’ll drag Alhaitham’s ass to spar with me.” You thought out loud.

Reaching the Akademiya, you met up with the Lesser Lord and Acting Grand Sage who just finished discussing foreign exchanges in Liyue and Fontaine. The Dendro Archon welcomed you warmly, and you returned it kindly. You reported your findings in the Avidya Forest and Apam Woods as well as the current progress in rebuilding a second institution in the desert. There was a possibility of its construction next year, but the acquisition of land must be completed first.

“Thank you for your hard work, (Y/N). I take it that you wish to speak with the Acting Grand Sage personally?” Nahida urged. Alhaitham raised an eyebrow at such thoughts before you confirmed it. With a small thanks, you dragged the gray-haired sage to the training grounds.

“Can you explain why you’re dragging me here when I’m not even done with my papers for the day, (Y/N)?” He asked, slightly exasperated at the sudden situation he found himself in.

“Indulge me for a little bit, Haitham. I’m a bit irritated with my lover and if I don’t let out steam, I’ll hurt somebody.” You confessed. Alhaitham’s eyes widened by a fraction before giving in. He did not know you had a lover already, whoever this bastard was, he will need to schedule a talk with them. He took out his sword and parried your attack.

Your spar could be described as a wild dance in the meadow if one were to be poetic. The sparks and flare of dendro energy attracted the bystanders. It was rare to see the Overseer and Acting Grand Sage engaged in a battle. You paid them no mind and dashed towards his right for a jab, but he deflected it before giving a roundhouse kick. It hit your stomach, causing you to skid to the ground but you held your ground and stood up panting. He activated his chisel-light mirrors, and directed them toward you. Barely missing his attacks, you swiped your foot but he jumped up. A smirk made its way to your face as you activated your skill and teleported behind him for a kick. He barely caught himself and dropped to the ground.

“So you finally gained control of that. Not bad.” He commented. You gave him a smile that was wiped off the moment he used his own. Alhaitham knew how to utilize his mirrors and vision to transport in various points. It often infuriated you, but greatly respected him for his mastery over sword and vision.

“This is over.” He whispered behind you. Before you could defend yourself, a barrage of dendro swords pierced you to the ground. The nick to your right cheek and neck ended the spar.

Alhaitham dispersed his skill and helped you up. Dusting yourself, you thanked him and sat down on the bench exhausted.

“That’s my 63rd win. Glad that you could keep up with your vision now. It still needs a bit of working especially if you wish to utilize your ability with elemental reactions.” Alhaitham was calculating in his mind again, making you sigh. When you glanced behind, the number of bystanders watching surprised you, so you told them to go back to their work. They immediately dispersed, but there will be talks about it for sure.

“I’ll get us some drinks. In the meantime, finish some of the reports you pulled me away from. I sent you the details. I’ll be back in a few.” He voiced. You gave him thanks before activating your pseudo-Akasha system. Lesser Lord Kusanali permitted you two to your own system after she checked it for herself. It was not harmful, and it was less powerful than the original. Nonetheless, she marveled at how you two were able to devise a copy yet also an original of it.

“Let’s see…. Yuck, he does things like this?”

Cyno reached Sumeru City after two hours of travel by foot. He was exhausted, but explaining his circumstances to you was more than necessary. When he passed by the entrance, he heard some students gossip about a battle between the Overseer and Acting Grand Sage. There was no bad blood between you and Alhaitham, it was mostly between them. So he was surprised to hear that you two clashed against each other. They might also be exaggerating things, so he wished to see things for himself.

Upon entering the Akademiya, he asked the officer in House of Daena if you were at the Grand Sage’s Office. She told him that she spotted you and Alhaitham going to his old office when he was still the Scribe. It had already been an hour, so she was not sure if you were still there. It did not bode well with Cyno that you were spending too much time with the lunatic scholar.

“Hmm, not bad. You’re getting good at this.” He heard from behind, followed by a tired grunt. Cyno was now nervous. It was the first time he experienced this, and somewhere inside him, there was doubt sprouting in his mind. Were you cheating on him while he was gone? That made him angry.

Without much of a knock, he slammed the door open. The sudden noise made you jump out of your chair, while the gray-haired sage lazily looked behind. The General Mahamatra stood by the entrance, fury swirling in his eyes.

“Found you.” He coldly said. Without much of an ounce, he tightly pulled you by the wrist.

“C-Cyno!?” You grunted in pain. Alhaitham swiftly grabbed the general’s hand, inquiring what he wanted.

“That’s none of your business, Acting Grand Sage. I suggest you keep your silence, or I will not be able to hold myself back.” He threatened. Alhaitham sneered, snatching your arm from your lover.

“It’s my business when you’re dragging my assistant out of my office when she’s not yet done with her work.” He mused, a strange cold look present in his unique eyes.

“If I recall, this is no longer your office, Alhaitham. It’s the one above, so might I ask what you’re doing with my lover? I should also be asking you the same, (Y/N). Did you enjoy toying with two men?” He accused. It made you look up, while Alhaitham’s eyes widened at the revelation. You were stunned to speak. He could not be serious.

“Are you… accusing me of cheating, Cyno? Is that how low you think of me? Wait, you’re the one I should be accusing! For a whole month, General Mahamatra, you did not send me a letter of your whereabouts! Tighnari had to remind me that you were all right, that you’ll be back. Then, I see you there with Nilou. How do you think that made me feel!?” You cried out.

“I-It’s not that! I just—“ The painful throb of your heart was difficult to control, and the tears you hid earlier finally slipped. Cyno’s eyes widened at the sight. It was the first time he saw you cry, and it was because of him.

“There’s no harm in Alhaitham knowing, but I was out for a month doing a mission for the temple. It was one they urgently gave to me through the Akademiya. I could not send a letter because before I knew it, I was already up and chasing the perpetrator who dared to sneak inside one of the ruins in Hadramaveth. As for Nilou, I was informed that the leader of Zubayr Theater had been looking for her, and one of the city matras asked me to be on the lookout for the dancer. I found her by the oasis with the excuse of finding inspiration for their next show. How about you? What were you doing with this man earlier?” Cyno explained, pained about the noises he heard outside.

Alhaitham put the pieces together and sighed. You forgot to tell them an important piece of your relationship with people. He stepped in.

“(Y/N) is my cousin, Cyno. No, this is not nepotism. The Lesser Lord approve of her position, and she made it here herself. The noises you heard must have been her groaning about her punishment, which was basically doing my work since she interrupted my work schedule. She would often do it when her workload is lesser than mine. So, there is no need to worry.” There was silence between you two. You blinked the tears away and glanced back up.

“Did I not mention that Alhaitham was my cousin?” You obliviously asked. Cyno gave you a strange look before exiting the room with a slight bow. The tips of his ears were red, and you knew you made a blunder.

With a quick apology and promise to your cousin that you will finish his work later, you exited the room and chased after your lover. Alhaitham huffed, walking out of his office and back to the Grand Sage’s room. Nahida welcomed him back.

“I presume everything went well with those two?” She mused. Alhaitham scoffed.

“It was natural. They need to communicate properly.” He simply said, taking another paper before signing those that were not in your care. The Dendro Archon simply smiled. She knew that Alhaitham cared for you in his own way. The way you were sulky and lethargic the past few days set him off.

As for you two, you were able to pull back the General who could not look you in the eye. The tight lock of your hands said otherwise about his feelings though. You squeezed back and offered that you two go home for today. He wanted to protest that he was still on duty, but you informed him that you told Alhaitham that you two will take the rest of the day to talk.

Cyno nodded, opting to follow you back to your home. He wished to relish in your presence and also apologize once again for leaving you alone.

Once you got home, you sat him down on the couch, while you prepared tea for you two to drink. Cyno watched you move around, missing the coziness of your home. However, he missed you more, so without hesitation, he came from behind you and hugged you.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you, and I should have sent a letter even a short one. I could never betray your trust, not with any woman. So please forgive me.” He mumbled. You turned off the stove and held his face in your hands. You could see how devastated he looked, as out of character that may be for the stoic General that he was.

“I’m also at fault for not communicating properly and jumping to conclusions. I love you, Cyno.” You kissed his lips. Even with chap lips, the warmth from him was enough to assure you that he was yours.

“I love you too.”

That afternoon was dedicated to you two making up for the lost time, taking notes on how to communicate properly, and how to assure each other when in doubt. You even decided on a 3-day vacation to spend time with each other, one which you two will need to prepare. Without you noticing, Cyno simply watched you with fond eyes. He could not be any more grateful than he is now to have you as his partner.

BONUS:

Cuddling on the couch made your heart flutter, and Cyno peppered your face and neck with kisses. He was careful with the cuts you got from your spar which you explained to him. Love swelled in your heart, and with another smile, you lifted his face and kissed him on the lips. His desire to further feel you overrode his senses, and before you knew it, you were already straddling his hips.

Hands roamed around your body, each touch leaving a hot trail that made you want more. Placing his right hand on your hair, he deepened the kiss, tongue dancing against each other, exploring the cavern of your mouth. You moaned at his aggressive touch.

“C-Cyno—“

“Shhh, let me fill you up tonight, Love. A month’s worth should be enough to quell the space I left. Plus, I’m a jealous person, you should be punished rightfully.” He whispered right next to you, hot breath caressing the shell of your ear. It made you squirm and rub on his groin, eliciting a growl from him. Suddenly, he gripped your hips in place, letting his other hand slither down your shorts.

“Only mine.”

Maybe Alhaitham will have to wait until tomorrow for those papers to get back to his office.

Please do not copy or repost my stories, but notes and reblogs are always appreciated!

[yzafre]

Kairi, Namine, Xion, and using their words

So KH has a lot of characters that are off-shoots of previous ones, and it can be fun to look for the parallels and the difference. While trying to figure out Kairi's "voice", I found it interesting to compare how the three "Kairi variations" used their words when experiencing overwhelming or negative emotions. How they handle these moments are very interesting.

Let's look at three memorable quotes by them, to show what I mean:

"Sora, let's take the raft and go. Just the two of us!"

Everyone talks about this line at some point. Like, what a weird thing for Kairi to say when we're still being introduced to her character! Riku's supposed to be her friend too, right?

Well, let's look at the context - not of everything that's going on around them, but of the conversation. What does she say right before?

"You know, Riku has changed."

Okay, so she's thinking about the ways Riku has been different now - probably in a way that upset or scares her. As other's have noticed, Kairi isn't as interested in leaving the islands (a safe place) as the others - an aversion to uncomfortable things. Riku is her friend, but it's not unbelievable a part of her wants to get away from whatever the change is that scares her.

So she has this mixed feeling about Riku, she tries to bring it up but ends up dancing around it, which Sora does not understand, obviously. Then, instead of explaining what she means, just jumps like, 10 steps ahead.

What this implies to me is that Kairi doesn't want to face this (any?) complex negative emotion head on. Maybe because it's her own fear and resentment? There's an element of avoidance of repression, here.

And then! And then as soon as it's out she immediately backtracks. Immediately laughs it off. "Just kidding!"

That makes it seem to me that her line about the raft was involuntary. She did not think ahead, maybe didn't even mean to say that at all, certainly regretted it as soon as she said it. It is definitely an expression of an honest, maybe a bit ugly, emotion she's experiencing, but is not the full context. It's certainly not the root of the issue. She's still dancing around it.

To summarize: either low levels of understanding of what she's feeling or some kind of repression, and involuntary use of words (meaning just about anything can come out)

"Nobody needs to keep a bunch of memories that aren't real, right?"

Oh, Namine. So we all agree this is a bit passive-aggressive, right? But also, I think, a bit genuine.

She is very aware that she caused this situation, and that she hurt Sora first. She's trying to acknowledge that she understands, but... she just can't help giving it a passive-aggressive edge.

Namine is all about repression (and also self-loathing, but that's not this conversation). She basically spends her entire life in a cage, having to make herself small. If we extrapolate even further, she probably spends a lot of time in her head thinking about her own situation and maybe even her feelings. That awareness could even be seen as a survival skill, in her situation.

She knows she did wrong and she knows she's upset. She tries to prioritize one over the other - but unsuccessfully.

So what we get with Namine is high awareness of her feeling, and an attempt to use her words constructively, but her control slips and some involuntary messaging slips through.

"So, do you hate me for taking your friend away from you?"

Xion uses her works like knives, seriously. There's a hint of this in her "Or what? They'll turn me into a dusk?" line with Axel, but I thought I'd use this quote instead.

I think I maybe mentioned this in another post somewhere, but in conflict Xion has a conversational pattern that goes "soft soft soft GOES FOR YOUR THROAT" that shows up multiple times throughout Days.

So, set-up for this conversation. Xion is suddenly getting a lot of answers and thus processing a lot of information, a lot of which I think confirms her own brand of self-loathing.

But what she turns around and says is not about her feelings (... on the surface, we'll get around to that), it's about provoking the other person.

It would be entirely understandable for Riku to be upset wither her, which would possibly stand as a threat, and she tries to confront that head on to get a reaction out of him.

She has enough awareness to know what she wants, and that she's feeling cornered, but the exact phrasing she used is interesting considering her situation:

Do you hate me for taking your friend away?

Because before she got these answers, what she already knew was that she could end up hurting Roxas. Realistically, this could be a question she'd want to ask Axel:

Will you hate me if I take our friend away.

And I do think she knows that's what she's afraid of, deep down, but she's too scared to actually ask (keeps running away). What I don't think she's aware of is that she's using Riku as a proxy, here. I think she's just trying to control the conversation.

So, with Xion we have: mixed levels of emotional awareness, but high control of her use of words.

Maybe it doesn't mean much, but I find it interesting. They all will say the most insane things under pressure, but it comes out in very different ways, with very different intent.

Kairi, who will avoid till things get too much then blurt things out involuntarily, then try to take it back.

Namine, who will try to control the narrative but can't stop keep the edge of passive-aggressiveness out.

Xion, who would rather go on the attack before you can hurt her first.

[mariana-oconnor]

The Bruce Partington Plans pt 1

I feel like I get this one mixed up with The Naval Treaty…

I don't hold out much hope for the police in this story as last time the entirety of Scotland Yard seemed to be experiencing the same mass delusion.

Maybe this time they'll show a little more knowledge of basic human anatomy.

In the third week of November, in the year 1895, a dense yellow fog settled down upon London. From the Monday to the Thursday I doubt whether it was ever possible from our windows in Baker Street to see the loom of the opposite houses. [...] the greasy, heavy brown swirl still drifting past us and condensing in oily drops upon the window-panes...

Victorian London sounds like such a great place to live. Honestly, the chain-smoking in the earlier story was probably still better for your lungs than the 'fresh' air on the streets. Air should, as a rule, never be 'greasy'. Unless you are actively deep-fat frying something, in which case I guess it has to be, but that doesn't mean we should like it.

Meanwhile, Holmes:

Was it Holmes who was desperate for the outside world, or Watson? One must imagine a certain amount of authorial leeway on his behalf. I can imagine being stuck inside with Sherlock Holmes on his newest 24 hour a day obession with 'the music of the Middle Ages' - bearing in mind this man does not understand circadian rhythms - Watson must have wanted to risk breathing in the grease himself.

“The London criminal is certainly a dull fellow,” said he in the querulous voice of the sportsman whose game has failed him.

I'm sensing a theme to all of these beginnings.

"The thief or the murderer could roam London on such a day as the tiger does the jungle, unseen until he pounces, and then evident only to his victim.”

I feel like his relentless coughing would give him away a bit. And his victim is as likely to have already keeled over from oxygen deprivation as be alive.

“Well, well! What next?” said he. “Brother Mycroft is coming round.”

Mycroft!

Actually... Mycroft, not a good idea. I doubt you have a particularly good lung capacity at this point. You spend most of your day sedentary in silence. Don't go outside Mycroft. Don't go outside!

"By the way, do you know what Mycroft is?”

So far he has been described as a train, a planet and a seal...

"You would also be right in a sense if you said that occasionally he is the British government.”

This is where that line is from. Ha. I knew it was around here somewhere. Also, even more reason for him not to venture forth into the greasy air.

"All other men are specialists, but his specialism is omniscience."

Mycroft is god, confirmed.

This does feel very much like a 'don't put all your eggs in one basket' kind of thing. Also the man has the most set routine in the whole of London. That's terrible security. The fact he hasn't been kidnapped and tortured is quite frankly madness to me.

"But Jupiter is descending to-day."

I can't decide if these are just our usual frilly narrative or if Sherlock is indeed making fat jokes this whole time. Selecting Jupiter specifically seems like a fat joke.

"The case was featureless as I remember it. The young man had apparently fallen out of the train and killed himself."

These days you would have to work pretty damn hard to fall off a train on the Tube. I know it was different back then, but imagining him trying to shimmy through the gap in one of those tube train windows is highly amusing to me. Although the purpose is not amusing, so maybe not.

“He left Woolwich suddenly on Monday night. Was last seen by his fiancee, Miss Violet Westbury..."

Another Violet to add to our ever growing collection. I've found some lists of the most popular baby names in 1870 and 1880 and apparently Violet was #100 in 1870 and #68 in 1880, then #43 in 1890, (this story is set in 1895, assuming that she's going to be somewhere around 20-25, so it is a top 100 name for the period and would have been even more common among women of that age at the time he was writing. It's still quite a high number of Violets to be knocking around. I guess ACD liked the name. It doesn't appear to be a family name, looking at his family tree I can't see a single Violet.

This is unimportant, we've just had three of them now.

"The body could only have come on the line in that way. Had it been carried down from any neighbouring street, it must have passed the station barriers, where a collector is always standing. This point seems absolutely certain.”

Were there no access tunnels in those days? I feel like I always see access tunnels to underground lines in films and TV shows. And it makes sense to have shortcuts to parts of the line that are more remote. But I don't know if they actually exist. I guess I just assumed that there would be midway access points for maintenance. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the maintenance people have to walk along the long dark tunnel to wherever they need to get to... that does see dumb, though. You'd think there would at least be something near the points. Whatever, I am probably thinking about this too much.

“The trains which traverse the lines of rail beside which the body was found are those which run from west to east, some being purely Metropolitan, and some from Willesden and outlying junctions."

Willesden Junction is now on the Bakerloo line, btw, which is one of the lines Baker Street is on. Just saying. Although the Bakerloo line wouldn't open until 1905. At this point I think it was on an overground line? idk. The Metropolitan Line was definitely open at this time, though, and Baker Street is on that one, too. Baker Street is on a lot of lines.

"...at what point he entered the train it is impossible to state.” “His ticket, of course, would show that.” “There was no ticket in his pockets.” “No ticket! Dear me, Watson, this is really very singular."

The surprise is probably due to something else entirely, but the idea that Holmes is shocked by the idea of a fare jumper amuses me.

"According to my experience it is not possible to reach the platform of a Metropolitan train without exhibiting one's ticket."

Willing to bet that was not true at all. I bet people managed it. But for the sake of the story, let us say it would be impossible for him to get on a train without a ticket. These days, of course, dropping your ticket would be a bad idea because you have to use it to get out again at the other end (if you don't just tap in and out) But then he was thrown out of a moving train, apparently, it makes sense he might lose a ticket in those circumstances. Particularly if he was holding it rather than having it in a pocket.

"He had also a check-book on the Woolwich branch of the Capital and Counties Bank. Through this his identity was established."

Once more the tried and true method of identifying someone through the name written on something in their pocket. With a cheque book I guess it's more likely that it's actually him. But there's another version of this where he's a conman who avoids paying ticket fares and has stolen someone's cheque book.

A moment later the tall and portly form of Mycroft Holmes was ushered into the room. Heavily built and massive, there was a suggestion of uncouth physical inertia in the figure, but above this unwieldy frame there was perched a head so masterful in its brow, so alert in its steel-gray, deep-set eyes, so firm in its lips, and so subtle in its play of expression, that after the first glance one forgot the gross body and remembered only the dominant mind.

Oh hai Mycroft!

Just in case you have forgotten since last time Watson described Mycroft. Or since all those comments of Sherlock's earlier, Mycroft is fat. Did you know that he's fat? But you'll immediately forget after a moment, except for how Watson will never let you forget.

At his heels came our old friend Lestrade, of Scotland Yard—thin and austere. The gravity of both their faces foretold some weighty quest.

Oh hai Lestrade.

Love you two working together. Beautiful moment. Perfect. No notes. It's the team-up I've been waiting for.

Impressed that you both seem to be breathing properly as well.

“Surely you have heard of it? I thought everyone had heard of it.” [...] "It has been the most jealously guarded of all government secrets."

I feel like maybe they haven't heard of it because it's a jealously guarded government secret, Mycroft. Just an idea. If everyone has heard of it, it's a bloody terrible secret.

"The plans [...] are kept in an elaborate safe in a confidential office adjoining the arsenal, with burglar-proof doors and windows."

What exactly constitutes a 'burglar-proof' door or window? That sounds more like a challenge than a fact. Genuinely, don't think there is such a thing, particularly at Victorian technology levels.

Also, we know from previous stories that all anyone needs to do is wait for some clerk to take them out to make a copy, then wait a little longer for them to need a coffee break and the plans will no doubt be left unattended on a desk somewhere for you to walk in and grab.

Who wants to bet that Cadogan West was just a bit of an idiot, really? That seems to be the standard level of junior clerks in the civil service in this series.

"If you have a fancy to see your name in the next honours list—”

I find it odd that Mycroft would even suggest this when, on the whole, he knows his little brother pretty well. There's no way Sherlock would want to be on the honours list.

"The actual official guardian of the papers is the famous government expert, Sir James Walter, whose decorations and sub-titles fill two lines of a book of reference. He has grown gray in the service, is a gentleman, a favoured guest in the most exalted houses, and, above all, a man whose patriotism is beyond suspicion."

I automatically hate and suspect him.

But no vibes only facts.

“Yes; his brother, Colonel Valentine Walter, has testified to his departure from Woolwich, and Admiral Sinclair to his arrival in London; so Sir James is no longer a direct factor in the problem.”

Because we know from these stories that Colonels are the most upstanding of gentlemen.

“The senior clerk and draughtsman, Mr. Sidney Johnson. He is a man of forty, married, with five children. He is a silent, morose man, but he has, on the whole, an excellent record in the public service. He is unpopular with his colleagues, but a hard worker."

Now him, I like. 😄

No, seriously though, why do his colleagues dislike him? I feel like that is crucial information. Is it because he's a stickler for the rules, or is it because he's a creep? Or is it because he once ate someone else's lunch?

“Many circumstances could be imagined under which he would pass London Bridge. There was someone in the carriage, for example, with whom he was having an absorbing interview."

Talking to a stranger? On the Tube? No, sorry. Too unbelievable. I can accept rabbits being mistaken for humans, but this is too far.

I guess he doesn't specify that it's a stranger.

"He would naturally have made an appointment with the foreign agent and kept his evening clear. Instead of that he took two tickets for the theatre, escorted his fiancee halfway there, and then suddenly disappeared.”

Has no one in this room ever heard of spycraft? A trip to the theatre would be the perfect cover for a handover. You drop your program, someone else picks it up and hands it back to you with a few extra pages folded up inside it. Easy. Taking the fiancee makes it less suspicious. Sure, she might get caught up in things, but that's a risk you have to take. They then have the entire course of the play to sneak away and make copies/take photographs of the papers before returning them to you, perhaps in the pocket of your coat at the coat check, with a little bit of extra money tucked into your hat?

Also, it's a public place with witnesses, so the bad guy is less likely to just straight up kill you so they don't have to pay. Admittedly, if they don't pay you don't get the opportunity to directly threaten them... I don't know, I'm not a spy, but I'm sure the theatre would be a great handover spot.

“It seems to me perfectly clear,” said Lestrade. “I have no doubt at all as to what occurred. He took the papers to sell them. He saw the agent. They could not agree as to price. He started home again, but the agent went with him. In the train the agent murdered him, took the more essential papers, and threw his body from the carriage. That would account for everything, would it not?”

But why not take all the papers, Lestrade? Why bother taking the time to go through them to see which are the most important? Why leave any behind at all?

“The ticket would have shown which station was nearest the agent's house. Therefore he took it from the murdered man's pocket.”

And that would just be poor work on the foreign agent's part. Never do anything near where you live.

I was going to say 'if Mycroft could make it to Baker Street, why not just go to the scene of the crime himself?' but then I remembered that this is the London train system and therefore it is wholly inaccessible to anyone who can't or doesn't want to climb up and down fifty million steps (in 1895, especially, and still at least partially today). The sudden shock to Mycroft's system of that increase in activity, coupled with the fact he's already committed chemical warfare against his lungs by going out in the smog, would definitely shuffle him off the mortal coil. Far better if Sherlock goes, considering that apparently the entirety of Britain relies on Mycroft not dying.

[harringtonstilinski]

Always The Babysitter - Chapter Four: The Body

Author:@harringtonstilinski​ Characters: Steve Harrington x Olivia Henderson(OC) (eventually) Word Count: 4,346 Warnings: lil' bit of angst, Smut: no | yes; A/N: Hi, friends! I’m sorry this is late! All is explained in A/N2. We don't get much of Steve in this chapter. BUT!, If you like this chapter, please do not hesitate to reblog and give some feedback, whether it be in the reblogs, comments, or my inbox. As always, read at your own risk and enjoy 😊

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After I had cried in Steve’s bed for what felt like hours, I decided the best thing I could do was go back to the Byers’ house and be there for Jonathan and Joyce, his mother.

As I biked up their driveway, she spotted me and looked confused. When I threw my bike down and walked up to her, she stuttered her question, “Wh–wh–what? Olivia, what are you–? How did you–?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I answered, hugging her. When I pulled away, I kept my hands on her shoulders. “What matters is that we find out what exactly happened.” I had my own theories. I looked up at Jonathan, seeing him almost retreat back, but I walked up to him and gave him a hug, squeezing him, to which he squeezed me back.

Callahan came up to us and explained what they had to do and for us to wait for a moment. He looked at me and sighed, knowing that I was big trouble.

Where’s Dustin, Lucas and El? I told them to bike home and to make sure that El made her way back to Mike’s. Now, whether they did or not is another story.

Joyce grabbed my hand and had me go inside with her while Hopper explained their theory.

“A trooper found something in the, uh… water that’s at the quarry,” he explained. “Uh, our working theory is that, uh… Will crashed his bike, he made his way over to the quarry and uh… accidentally fell in. The Earth must’ve given way.”

My eyes never left Joyce as I watched her shake her head lightly, Hopper calling her name.

“Joyce? Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“No,” she said, voice trembling. “Whoever you found… is not my boy. It’s not Will.”

Hopper said her name again as she looked back at me, squeezing my hand. “It’s not my boy,” she whispered.

I put my hand on her back, nodding my head, “I believe you, Mrs. Byers. I do, I really do.”

“You’re supposed to be home,” Hopper said.

I sighed, “I know. I heard the sirens and got curious. Can you blame a girl for being curious? Especially because Will’s missing? I babysit him from time to time.”

He sighed and looked back at Joyce, who said, “You don’t understand. I talked to him… a half hour ago.”

Well, consider my interest piqued! 

She let go of my hand and walked to the wall to our right, opening the hidden cabinets as she explained, “He was– he was here. He was– he was talking with these.” She pulled out a bunch of clear Christmas lights.

“Talking?” Hopper asked.

Joyce confirmed as she continued, “One blink for us, two for no. And– and uh…” She set the lights down and moved over to her couch, pointing at the wall behind it that had the alphabet painted on it, big Christmas lights hung above them. “And then I made this so he could talk to me. ‘Cause he was hiding… from that… that thing.”

“The thing that came out of the wall? The thing that chased you?”

I was irritated with him at this point. He wasn’t acting interested at all. I mean, a little boy is missing and his mother is trying to explain what she saw and what she experienced. Hell, I believed her!

“Mom, come on, please,” Jonathan begged, going along with Hopper. “You’ve gotta stop this.”

“Jesus H.,” I muttered, turning to face the hidden cabinets.

“No, maybe he’s… it’s after him!” Joyce cried. “He’s in danger, we have to find him, we–”

“What exactly was this thing?” Hopper asked. “It was some kind of animal, you said?”

“No, it was, uh– It was almost human, but it wasn’t– it had these long arms and… it didn’t have a face.”

Interest is highly piqued! I turned around, looking almost surprised.

“It didn’t have a face?” Hopper questioned.

Jonathan walked away, his bedroom door slamming shut a moment later. I’m not exactly sure what happened after that for a few moments, but when I zoned back in, Joyce was sitting on the table with Hopper squatting in front of her.

“After Sarah,” Hop said. “I saw her, too.  And I heard her. I didn’t know what was real. And then I figured out it was all in my mind. And I had to pack all that away. Otherwise, I was gonna fall down a hole… that I couldn’t get out of.”

“No, you’re… you’re talking about grief,” Joyce whispered. “This is different.”

I couldn’t take hearing anymore of this, so I stepped outside, waiting by the cop cars. When I saw Hopper come out of the house, I made my way towards him. “You don’t believe her, do you?”

“Go home, Olivia,” he deadpanned.

Walking with him towards his truck, I said, “Not until you answer my question, Hopper.” He turned and looked at me for a moment before I asked my question again.

Hopper’s eyes danced between mine before he sighed. “I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure?” I asked, tears slowly springing into my eyes. “How can you not be sure?”

“Look, her son just died–”

“That’s bullshit,” I said. “We have a theory–”

“Who does?”

I swallowed, hard. “I-I meant, me. I have a theory. But I can’t tell you.”

He quietly groaned, squeezing his eyes with fingers. He sighed, deeply before saying, “Go home, Olivia, or else you’re coming back to the station.”

“I can’t do that to my mom again,” I whispered, looking down.

He got into his truck, starting it up. I watched as he looked back towards the house before looking back at me. He turned off his truck and pulled his hat forward to cover his eyes.

I walked back towards my bike, getting on it and biking back home. I couldn’t help but check in on Dustin after I snuck back in through my window, thanking God he was in bed asleep. When I made my way to the kitchen, I stopped in the living room on my journey, seeing my mom still awake, watching the 11 o’clock news. I looked at the TV, slowly sitting on the couch as the reporter did his thing.

“Byers’ body was found in the water of this quarry by state police earlier this evening. It was discovered by state police David O’Bannon, just after dark. The state police are mounting an investigation to determine Byers’ cause of death, but an initial inquiry–”

I shook my head and got up, Mom calling my name. Not wanting to hear it, I went straight for the kitchen, the intended room I wanted to go in. Getting myself a glass of water, I let a few tears stream, aching at the loss of one of my favorite pre-teens.

Once I made it back in my room, I grabbed my favorite shirt and put it on before settling into bed. Breathing in the scent of the shirt, a few more tears flowed, this time for a completely different reason.

~~~

The phone ringing at quarter to eight brought me out of my slumber. I answered with a very groggy, “Hello?”

“I need you to come to the coroner's office with me and my mom.”

“Good morning to you, too, Byers,” I said, tossing the covers from my form. “Why?”

“I think my mom wouldn’t want you there, too, since you were there at the quarry last night. Plus, she likes you, so…”

I sighed, running a hand down my face. “Yeah. Give me a few minutes. I’ll meet you there.” I hung up the phone, sighing before yawning. I wasn’t much of a morning person, but I’d do anything for my brother’s friends.

Once I was dressed, I grabbed a piece of buttered toast with jam on it, kissing my mom on the head. I ate the piece of toast on my way to the coroner’s office on my bike. It was a little difficult, but I made it in one piece.

When I walked inside, Hopper was there, who looked thrilled that I had showed up.

“Go to school,” he said.

“Well, good morning, Chief,” I boasted. “Lovely morning we’re having.”

Without missing a beat, he asked, “What are you doing here?”

I sighed. “Jonathan called this morning. Said his mom would want me here.”

They walked in just then, Joyce looking shocked that I was there. I gave Jonathan a look that he almost cowered back at, telling me with his eyes that I needed to play along for his mom’s sake.

Once I told her I wanted to be there for her, her eyes softened and she nodded. The doctor led us to the back, Hopper staying back. Standing at the window, looking at the lifeless body under the blanket, I felt sick, so I excused myself. As I was walking away, I heard Jonathan tell Joyce something probably didn’t agree with me at breakfast.

I sat across from Hopper after getting a small cup of water. It had taken me a couple minutes to drink it, and once I had, I noticed Hopper’s impatience starting to show.

“What’s taking so long?” he asked.

“Well, everything’s been a bit chaotic around here without Gary,” the clerk said.

“Without Gary? Where’s Gary?”

“Well, I thought you knew. Those men from State, they… they sent Gary home last night.”

Hopper and I looked at each other, before we both asked, “So, who did the autopsy?”

“Someone from State.”

Our eyes stayed locked on each other as I leaned back, crossing my arms and one leg over the other, giving Hopper a look of “Believe us now?”

Jonathan came out just then, looking sick as a dog. He sat next to Hopper, taking his jacket off.

“How’s your mom doing?” Hopper asked.

“Oh, goodness,” I muttered, quietly.

“I don’t know,” Jonathan answered.

The phone rang right before Hopper asked, “How long has this stuff been going on? With the lights and, uh… Will and the thing in the wall?”

“Since the first phone call, I guess.”

Brows pinched together, I asked, “Phone call?”

Jonathan nodded, looking down before saying, “Ya’know, she’s had anxiety problems… in the past.”

“Your dickhead of a father sure as hell didn’t help,” I muttered.

“Language,” Hopper muttered.

“Sorry.”

“But this,” Jonathan continued. “I don’t know.” He breathed in deep before audibly sighing. “I’m worried it could be… ugh, I don’t know.” He hung his head, sniffling before sighing once again. Looking back up at me, he added, “She’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”

I could see the tears in his eyes from here, so I stood up and walked over to his chair, sitting on the armrest, pulling him in for a sideways hug.

In addition to Steve being my best friend, Jonathan was also a very good friend of mine. Yes, it was because of our brothers, but we became our own friends while Dustin and Will were getting to know each other through play dates.

Even though I didn’t have the slightest clue on what the Byers’ were going through, it still broke my heart to see the both of them in this state. Especially Joyce.

“My mom,” the older Byers boy said. “She’s tough.” He chuckled, which caused me to chuckle out a “Yeah,” Hopper agreeing.

He put his hand on Jonathan’s shoulder, saying, “Hey. She is.”

Speaking of the tough Byers woman, the doors opened up to her coming out of the hallway, the coroner yelling, “Ma’am! Ma’am, I need you to sign!”

“I don’t-I don’t know what you think that thing is in there, that is not my son!” Joyce said.

The three of us stood up at that point, Hopper saying, “Joyce, wait a second.”

“No!” Joyce walked out of the building, so I decided to follow after her. 

“Joyce!” I yelled, stepping outside. She turned and faced me, asking, “If you saw him, would you believe it’s him or something else.”

“Listen, I believe you. 100%,” I said, nodding with wide eyes. “I believe you. I have my own little theory on where your littlest is. I can’t tell you right now, but–” She tried to interrupt me, but I simply continued, “But I will tell you when I feel the time is right. I have to get more information to back my theory up, but I promise you, you will be the first person I tell.”

Jonathan came outside then, so I told them that I had to get to school and to keep me updated on anything else that happens. After I biked to school, I went to the office and told them I was Hopper and the Byers’ at the coroner’s office and to call Hop if they didn’t believe me. When I left the office, I went to my locker, seeing a note inside.

Hope everything is okay. Meet me in between the buildings by the gym. Need to talk. -Nance

I sighed, closing my locker. When I made it to Nancy's preferred meeting place, I stopped in my tracks. “Steve?”

“Olivia?” he asked back, just as surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“I asked her to come,” Nancy said. She began to explain about her going back to Steve’s house the day before to look for Barb while I made my way over to the two.

“So, wait a sec, I don’t understand,” Steve said. “You went back to my house?”

“To look for Barb,” Nancy answered.

I leaned against the building behind me, sighing.

“Yeah, okay, but,” Steve said, quickly looking back at me for a moment. Almost to check to see if I was still there before continuing, “Why didn’t you just talk to me? That’s crazy.”

“Crazy,” I dragged out.

“I don’t know, I-I was scared,” Nancy said.

“You seriously think you saw a guy in a mask just hanging out in my yard?” Steve asked.

I walked over to them, creating a triangle with them as I asked, “You saw a guy in a mask? Why didn’t you ask me to come with you?!” “You were with Dustin,” Nancy said. “But I don’t think it was a mask.”

“But he had no face?” Steve asked.

I quickly looked at him. More info for my theory. I looked down, my eyes dancing around as I muttered, “Theory.”

“What?”

I shook my head and looked up. “Working theory. Nance, your retort?”

“I don’t know!” she said. “I don’t know, I just– I have a terrible feeling about this.”

“Oh, this is bad,” Steve said. “This is really bad.”

“You’re telling us!” I exclaimed.

Steve leaned against the building I was just leaning against as Nancy asked, “What?”

“The cops,” he said.

“What about them?” I asked.

“They're gonna wanna talk to all of us now. Tommy, Carol, everybody who was at the party.”

“Don’t get your panties in a twist,” I said, holding my hand out. “It wasn’t that big of a party. Just a minuscule of a get together.”

“Liv, my parents are gonna murder me,” he exclaimed.

“Calm down,” I sighed.

“Are you serious right now?” Nancy asked.

Looking at Nancy, Steve said, “You don’t understand. My dad’s a Grade A asshole.” Looking at me, he said, “Olivia, you should know that.”

I sighed and looked at Nancy, waiting for her to give her retort, which she looked at me expectantly. “Oh, I need to respond?” She nodded, so I sighed and looked at Steve. “Barb is missing, Steve. And you’re worried about your dad? Who’s never home?”

“Are you talking to the cops?”

“Well, yeah. Because of Will,” I answered.

“Well, when you talk to them next, just don’t mention the beers. It’s just gonna get you in a lot of trouble again. Barbra’s got nothing to do with it.”

“Steve, the Chief doesn’t even know I was at your house Tuesday,” I said, raising my arm a bit before slapping my hand on my outer thigh. “I told him I was at home the whole night before I heard sirens, which I’ll try and explain later.”

“So, you won’t mention being at my house?”

I looked at Nancy, the both of us scoffing before she said, “I can’t believe you right now.” She walked away, saying, “I can’t believe you.”

Steve called her name a couple times as she continued her walk away from us. He looked back at me, his eyes asking what he did wrong.

“Are you serious?” I asked. “Steve, let me spell it out for you.” I stepped closer to him, thumb and forefinger pressed together, hand waving as I enunciated, “It’s not about you right now.” I walked away, ready to leave campus again, but knowing I had to stay.

I walked by the school’s payphone, hearing it ring. Looking around to see if anyone is going to answer, I decided to pick it up, hesitantly saying, “Hello?”

“Liv?”

“Mike?”

“I need you to come to my house.”

“Why?”

“Please. I need your help.”

“This must be serious. You never ask for my help.”

“Liv!”

“Okay! Damn. I’m coming. Give me a few minutes to bike there.” I hung up the phone and audibly sighed. “Why me?” I asked no one. Turning and going straight for my bike, I noticed Steve leaning against his car, head in his hands. When I got my bike and started to ride past him, I watched as he looked up, the annoyance clearing his face as he saw me.

“Liv! Hey, where you going?” he asked.

“Home!” I said. “But I’ll be back!”

~~~

Walking into the Wheeler’s basement, I noticed the place was a mess. Mrs. Wheeler didn’t pay me for tidying it or cleaning it when it needed it… because she didn’t know I did it for her. Deciding I’d do it for her later, I made my way up the basement stairs into the kitchen.

I hollered for Mike, who responded with, “Nancy’s room!” I chuckled to myself, climbing the regular house stairs to the bedrooms, stopping at Nancy’s.

Seeing the makeup brushes out, I giggled. “Mike, I don’t think Nancy’s colors are going to look good on you.”

He looked at me with a deadpan look. “Can you come put this shit on her face?”

I walked into Nancy’s room, saying, “Language,” while setting my backpack down. Sitting in front of El, I noticed a small smile on her lips. “Hey, sweetie. So, as I’m putting this makeup on your face, I’ll tell you what the products are and stuff, okay?”

She nervously nodded her head, which made me smile.

“You’ll get to use it,” I said. “Especially if you’re gonna live here with Nancy.”

That a small giggle from her as I reached in Nance’s makeup box for her powder and brush. Once I put that on El and explained what it was, I moved on to blush then to the rest of the products. She was hesitant about the mascara, but once I told her a trick that I use for when I put my own on, she wanted to try by herself. 

The boys were in the basement, finding things for El to wear; a dress and a wig. They brought them up to us as soon as we were done with makeup. She had asked with her eyes if I could stay near the door like before, so I said that I would.

I heard the door open up behind me, turning to see El in a blonde wig and a light pink dress. I smiled, putting my palms together, bringing my fingertips to my lips. “Beautiful before. Beautiful now.”

“Wow,” Dustin said. “She looks–”

“Pretty,” Mike said. “Good. You look pretty good.”

El walked to the mirror, almost stunned at seeing herself all done up. She whispered, “Pretty,” as I walked behind her, putting my hands on her shoulders. 

“Like I said, beautiful before. Beautiful now.” I smiled, which caused her to smile back.

~~~

When I got back to school, Callahan and Powell were there. I rolled my eyes to a close, sighing.

“Miss Henderson,” Powell said. “What a nice surprise.”

“Hello, Officer Powell,” I greeted. “Am I going back to the station?”

“No, but we do need to talk with you. Follow me, please.”

He led me to the cafeteria, where Nancy and Mrs. Wheeler were, to my surprise.

“Nancy?” I asked, setting my bag down, sitting next to her. “What are you–?”

“Let’s cut to the chase,” Powell said. He began his questioning, Nancy and I answering to the best that we could.

“This argument you three had?” Powell said. “What exactly was it about?”

“I wasn’t involved,” I said, hands up. “I was in Steve’s room, getting some dry clothes while Nancy and Barb talked. I’m not sure what it was about.”

Nancy sighed. “It wasn’t really an argument. Barb just wanted to leave. I didn’t, so, I– I told her to just go home.”

Powell looked from me back to Nancy. “Then what?”

“Then I went upstairs to put on some dry clothes.”

“And the next day, you went back and… saw a bear, you’re thinking?”

I looked at Nancy as she closed her eyes for a moment, opening while saying, “I don’t know what it was, but… I think–I think maybe it took Barb. You need to check behind Steve’s house–”

“We did,” Callahan said. “There’s nothing there. There’s no sign of a bear.”

“And no car,” Powell added.

“Oh, I drove that night,” I said. “So, there wouldn’t be any car.”

“Look,” Callahan said. “We figured that Barbra came back last night and then she took off, went somewhere else.”

“Has she ever talked to either of you about running off?” Powell asked. “Leave town, maybe?”

“I didn’t know her that well, so…” I said.

“No,” Nancy answered. “No, Barb wouldn’t do that, ever.” She pointed at me and said, “Liv would, but not Barb.”

“Thanks, Nance.”

“She wasn’t maybe upset about the fact that you were spending time with this boy?” Powell continued his line of questioning. “Uh, Steve Harrington?”

“What? No!” Nancy said.

“Maybe she was jealous because she saw you go up to Steve’s room?” Callahan asked. He looked at me, a confused look on his face. “You two are still close? Why were you up there?”

I sighed. “I still have a stash of clothes over there from, like, two years ago.” I looked at Nancy, saying her name.

“It wasn’t like that,” Nancy defended.

“Like what?” Callahan asked.

“Steve and me, we’re… we’re just friends. We… we just talked.”

“Now was this before or after you changed out of your clothes?”

Seeing the uncomfortable look on Nancy’s face, as well as the almost disturbed look on her mother’s, I looked at the officer’s saying, “Alright, boys. I think we’re done here. Your rounds of questioning are over.”

~~~

For some reason, Hopper had directed his call to my personal phone in my bedroom, so when I answered it, he said he needed me right away at the coroner’s office, and that he’d pick me up so I didn’t have to bike in the dark.

He and I made it, albeit a little awkward. I watched him pick up his hat and then set it back down. He looked at me and told me if I said a word, he’d throw me in a cell and to get out of the truck once I agreed.

He told the front desk clerk that he forgot his hat and that I was there to help him look before we both walked down a hallway, seeing a security guard that Hopper punched out.

“Damn, Hopper,” I said as he grabbed the guy's keys.

He didn’t say anything, he just unlocked the door, motioning for me to follow him in. When he closed the door behind me, I shuddered, not wanting to be in this morgue. When we went into the next room, I swore I was going to be sick.

“Stay strong,” Hopper said, pulling the drawer out that had Will’s body in it.

“Hopper!” I exclaimed. “What the hell–”

He pulled the blanket back, revealing Will’s body. Tears immediately came to my eyes as  I looked at him, a kid that was like my own brother. Hopper walked away for a moment before walking back to the drawer, pulling the blanket back further.

He put his hand on the body, gasping. When he pulled his hand back, he looked at me. “Come feel this.”

I walked over, putting my hand on Will’s body, except… this wasn’t his body. It didn’t feel like regular skin. When I looked up at Hopper, we both had a look of shock on our faces. “We told you.”

He exhaled heavily, pulling a pocket knife from his pocket. He opened it, almost hesitantly. Nodding his head, he put the knife to the body, retreating after a moment. Looking back at me, he asked, “What if it really is him?”

Shaking my head, I said, “It’s not. I can feel that it’s not a real body. It doesn’t even feel like normal skin.”

Hopper looked back at the body, breathing heavily for a moment before plunging the knife into the belly button and cutting to the bottom of where the ribs should be. It looked like he was struggling, too. He reached his hand in, pulling out cotton. He looked back at me, saying, “I think it’s time you reveal that theory.”

“Not yet,” I said. “We have to tell Joyce first about this.”

“Not yet,” he repeated my words. “We have to make a trip first.”

“Hopper, I can’t. My mom worries enough when I’m in my bedroom and she can’t find me.”

He sighed. “Alright. I’ll take you home.”

“Thank you, Hop.”

He took me home and told me to stay in the rest of the night, no matter what. And that’s what I did.

Ya’know, it feels good to follow the rules every once in a while… and spending time with my mom watching game shows.

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A/N 2:  hi, friends! so, reason for the late upload is because our laundry had gotten backed up so bad to the point where i unknowingly spent all of my monday washing, drying, folding and putting away the laundry. never uploaded tuesday because a baby migraine appeared out of fucking nowhere! i'm am so sorry!! but, please do not hesitate to reblog and give some feedback, whether it be in the reblogs, comments, or my inbox.

Additional Note: i know that some of y’all are waiting to see your requests, and i promise i’ll get to them. the writer’s block hit really bad with them. atb is the only thing i have motivation to post for at the moment.

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Posted on November 29, 2023

[ronqueesha]

I finished the Fallout show and absolutely loved it. It nailed the spirit of the games, even the older ones, perfectly. Of course, I loved all of the little easter eggs. Especially the news channel logo that mirrored the Interplay logo from the original games.

Some thoughts on the blatant retcons that a lot of people are upset about. Major spoilers, of course:

While I'm also unhappy that Fallout New Vegas is in a precarious state of being non-canon, Season 1 of the show actually gave me a lot of hope. And I think the showrunners love New Vegas more than people might realize.

The last shot of season 1 is nothing but a major hint that the city of New Vegas is going to play a major role in the future. Not only that, but Season 1 went out of its way to not only mention things like Big MT and other New-Vegas-specific details, but they included a significant cameo from Robert House. Who I thought was extremely well cast given that his original voice actor passed away several years ago.

Season 1 was a big mishmash of plot points and references to the major events of the other games. The vault's water chip failing, the Enclave, the protagonist venturing into the wasteland to find and rescue a parent, even Vault-Tec having a small vault made just for cryo-freezing a select few people.

I would not be surprised at all if season 2 of Fallout incorporates many of the events and locations of New Vegas as Lucy and Coop follow her father east. Maybe the game we experienced isn't canon, but the major events still are, just through their eyes and not the player. House is still alive and scheming to make Vegas his independent kingdom. The Legion is expanding into the territory, and small towns in the desert will need help in one way or another.

So yeah, that's my hope. The Fallout show was always going to be an original story to avoid tiptoeing around the infinite number of decisions a player can make in each game. New Vegas has been retconned not because Todd Howard hates it, but because it gives the showrunners room to display WAY more from that game without having to worry about player agency. We won't get a 1-for-1 remake of New Vegas in season 2, but we could see a lot of familiar faces, places and events. More than in season 1.

There are some people upset that the show confirms that the Great War was explicitly started by Vault Tec and a few interested big corporations. This has always been at the top of the fan theory list of who started the war.

From almost the first game people have suspected Vault Tec. We've known for decades that Vault Tec had contracts with the US Government, which later became the Enclave, in order to build vaults, stir paranoia, and make the public okay with the entire program in the face of inevitable nuclear armageddon.

During the business meeting scene, there was a mysterious shadowy figure watching over the proceedings. While Coop was listening in the waiting room, this shadow figure was looking down at the corpos from his own space above them. This could be that Enclave pressure I mentioned above. Vault Tec didn't start the nuclear exchange just to make money, but because they had to on orders from the Enclave.