#i haven’t said anything mostly because i’ve been at work and i’m now getting ready to go out

[moonhoures]

[ 6:47 — i. changkyun ]

warnings: 18+, minors do not interact, explicit smut, unprotected sex, riding / cowgirl position, pet name “baby” used for reader

a/n: this is dedicated to my beautiful, wonderful, lovely ✨ anon & 💐 anon & all my fellow kyun stans. ily!!! 😚🫂💓

“Kyun.”

“Hm?”

“I said dinner’s ready, like, five minutes ago.”

Your boyfriend sighed, but only because he had heard you. He just completely forgot you were waiting on him. He had been working diligently on some songs since he had came home from the gym earlier in the afternoon. Lately he had been using the couch and coffee table as his makeshift office space while his recording studio was being refurbished. You enjoyed having him work from home, but it was bittersweet in the sense that you felt guilty for disturbing him at any time. Still, you were determined to have him eat dinner since you knew he hadn’t eaten a solid meal since very early that morning.

You approached the back of the couch, placing your hands on his shoulders. Instantly, his tense muscles seemed to relax under your touch; he hadn’t even realized his muscles were stiff in the first place. He took a deep breath as he leaned into the cushions, his head falling back as his eyes closed.

“I’m sorry, baby. I heard you. I just got wrapped up and forgot.”

“It’s okay. You’ve been working hard,” you said, a soft smile on your lips when his hand reached up to hold one of yours against the top of his chest, “That’s why I made shrimp for dinner. Just for you.”

He opened eyes and grinned, tilting his head to look at you a little better, “Have I told you I loved you today?”

“Only a couple times.”

“Remind me to tell you a hundred more times before we go to bed.”

You laughed softly, leaning down to place a sweet kiss against his forehead, then another on his cheek. You were going to return to the kitchen then, but his hand held firmly on your wrist, keeping you where you were. When you saw the pout on his lips, you instantly knew what the reasoning was. You rolled your eyes playfully before leaning down again to kiss his lips, a small hum of appreciation emitting from his throat. He could be so dramatic sometimes, but you loved him nonetheless.

“Come here,” he spoke so warmly despite the assertiveness of his words. You didn’t hesitate to listen, walking the few steps to the front of the couch. His hand took yours, drawing you closer until you were right in front of him. He looked up at you, hands resting on your hips, “You look so beautiful today. I know I haven’t said that yet, but you do.”

“Thank you, Kyun,” you felt your cheeks bloom with heat at the compliment. Mostly because you knew these small, intimate, flattery-filled moments led to much more intimate, passionate moments. And once his mind was in motion, it was difficult to get it elsewhere.

“I’ve been so busy with work, I haven’t been able to take care of you,” the word choice he used seemed so deceivingly innocent, but the look he gave you was clear with his intentions. And if it wasn’t his eyes, then his fingers rubbing sensually into your hips definitely gave him away.

“You can make it up to me later,” you teased, your hands reaching up to cup his cheeks. They had lost the baby fat you fell in love with when you first started dating him years ago, but you loved him no less. If anything it just made him look more mature, sexier.

“How about now?”

His hands lowered to the spot on your thighs where your lounge shorts stopped, inches above your knees. As you were pondering the idea of having sex now, with your dinner growing cold in the kitchen, you got lost in his eyes. Those eyes that could convince you to commit a crime if he wanted you to. Those eyes that begged you to let him fuck you until you saw stars behind your eyelids. The eyes that distracted you until you heard the click of his laptop closing, and you realized he had reached behind you to shut it.

“Work is done for the day,” he added, pulling you closer until your knees were brushed up against the couch between his legs.

“The food will get cold,” you muttered an excuse, but your hands were already touching his jaw, aching to pull his lips to yours.

“I can reheat it when we’re done.”

Changkyun’s words meant nothing at that point because you two were already meeting each other for a kiss as hot as the stove had been before you turned it off to come get him. A low, rumbling noise sounded from deep in his chest as his grip on you tightened. He wanted nothing more than to push you down onto the cushions next to him and devour you. You deserved it.

“Can I take these off?” his deep voice tickled your ear as he spoke between kisses on your neck. His fingers were already tugging your shorts slowly, just waiting for your confirmation to pull them completely off. When you nodded with a mumbled ‘yes’, the cotton garment fell to the floor at your feet.

In the next moment you were pulled onto his lap, straddling him. His lips and teeth continued to entangle with your own, attempting to claim you even though he knew you were already his. He knew because you were saved in his phone under ‘my baby 💜’. He knew because you had stuck by him for the past several years, and he never doubted your loyalty for even a second. He knew because every morning when he woke beside you, he thought to himself, I want to wake up next to you every day, for the rest of my life. He knew because when he didn’t wake up next to you he felt like a piece of him was missing. He had never felt like someone completed him before you.

Several minutes passed and Changkyun had managed to slip off his sweatpants and shift your underwear to the side. He was relishing the feeling of you enveloping him, his dick throbbing inside of you. It had only been two days since he last had sex with you, but it felt like two decades—you know, because he’s dramatic. His toned arms were wrapping around you, holding you as close to him as he could, your chests pressed against each other. Well, your chest was closer to his face in this position, which made it perfect for him to cover your neck in kisses (and marks). He loved to nip at your sensitive spots with his teeth. He loved the way you let out a small squeak, moan, or whine in protest from the sensation. He loved every sound you made, but those were some of his favorites.

“You gonna cum for me, baby?”

“Uh huh,” you merely nodded and breathed out an answer as you focused on rocking your hips over his. His hands guided you, helping you reach the orgasm you were aiming for. He tried his best to thrust up into you, but he could only move so much. He was enjoying the view though, watching you work yourself on him with each of your hands clutching the couch on either side of his head. As your head leaned back in pleasure, he tilted his head to kiss your arm on the space between your elbow and wrist.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he assured you, “I’ll be right behind you.”

He always had a way of being so comforting in these moments. Intimacy was something he cherished with you, and he somehow always knew how to make it special every single time. If it wasn’t with the way he touched you, loved you. Then it was with the way he spoke to you, coached you through any and every sensation he gave you.

“Gonna-“ you panted as you felt your climax approaching. You rutted against him a little faster, using all the energy you could collect in your body. He continued to press kisses along your arm where he could reach. His fingers slid up and down the skin of your thighs, leaving goosebumps along the flesh that he touched. “I’m gonna . . .”

He tried to resist the urge to chuckle at your lost train of thought and the way your eyes squeezed shut in preparation for your orgasm, “C’mon, baby.”

His voice only brought you closer, and soon enough you were groaning his name in his ear. Your arms circled his shoulders, hugging him tight while you bucked against him, the aftershocks of your climax taking over you. He rubbed your thighs, telling you how good you felt. You clenched and unclenched around him, causing him to cum with a few deep grunts. His breath came out in labored, heavy puffs while you two recovered from the releases you gave each other. He told you he loved you, just as he always did. No matter how many times he said it, it never lost its weight, and it never got tiring to hear.

“We can go for another round later, if you want,” he said as you pulled away, but not before you left a sweet kiss on his cheek.

“That sounds good, but we need to eat,” you reminded him, “I didn’t make that food for it to go to waste.”

“I’ll go reheat it while you clean up,” he laughed softly through his words, lightly patting your ass before you got up from his lap. He watched you pick up your shorts from the floor and go to your bedroom, a grin on his face the entire time.

— please like, reblog, or leave a comment! i appreciate your feedback! 🫶🏻

— taglist: @bruh-changbin @carronpatrick @bluesoobinnie

— join my taglists here 💌

[strniohoeee]

idk what to ask but something super angst enemies to lovers with matt

Disregard(Matt’s Version)

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Matt and Y/N hate each other. However one night at a party things take an ugly turn, and Matt’s there to help her. Feelings are expressed but are these feelings mutual? 🌷

Warning⚠️: None really some guy tries to take advantage of reader.

Song for the imagine: R U Mine?- Arctic Monkeys

And satisfaction feels like a distant memory

And I can’t help myself

All I ever wanna say is “are you mine?”

“You at a party with Matt? How’s that going to work” my friend asked me over the phone laughing

“It’s going to work because I hate him, and I will be far away from him duhh” I said raking through my closet looking for an outfit

“I just don’t know how you can hang out with him and his brothers when yall can’t stand one another” she said

“Well Nicks my friend mostly sadly and Chris is cool, but Matt’s just always there” I said huffing when I couldn’t find the shirt I wanted

“Why don’t you and Nick just hang out” she responded

“I mean we have, but they are always together. I’ve learned to just not acknowledge him” I said laughing

“Man I don’t know how you’ve been sticking it out this long” she said to me

“He was at his worse in high school, so if I got over that I can get over anything” I responded back

“Mmm that’s true he was an annoying little shit” she said giggling

“He really was, and he was such a dick” I said rolling my eyes

“He was, but I’m gonna let you go girl. I know you have to prepare for this party, and I’m about to head out with my man on a date” she said to me

“Alright girl I love you, and have fun I’ll talk to you soon” I responded

“Love you too, and have fun as well” she responded

I hung up and finished looking through my closet for another outfit.

“FINALLYYYY” I said as I found the shirt I’ve been hunting for

To be honest I’m not too sure why my hate for Matt was still there. I’ve been friends with Nick for 5 years now, and although Matt was an asshole in school I couldn’t stop my hate towards him.

He just was always there, and swore he was hot shit. He wanted to be cool and mysterious so badly and it annoyed the shit out of me.

I agreed when Chris called him “tough” because it was true. He acted like this big bad guy, and like he was too good for everybody. Hated it and I hated him

Initially I really liked him, but he destroyed all of that when we were in high school. It haunted me daily…..man fuck Matt

I finished getting ready and decided to Uber over to the triplets house since Nick wanted us to carpool

I headed into their house and walked up to nicks room

“Nickkkk” I said as I walked in and hugged him

“Heyyy” he said pulling away

“Excited for tonight?” I asked him as I sat on his bed

“Very! I haven’t been to a party in a while” he said looking in his closet

“Oh my gosh sameeee” I said

“Should I wear a pink shirt or a black shirt?” He asked

“Mmmmm pink, that color looks good on you” I said back

“I was thinking the same” he said laughing

Suddenly Chris and Matt barged into his room

“YOOO” Chris yelled coming in

“Hey” I said smiling at him

“Stop fucking screaming like a bafoon” Nick said

“Uhhh who brought the negative Nancy” Chris said rolling his eyes

Nick just rolled his eyes at Chris as he finished getting ready in his bathroom

“Nick I have a question” I said getting up

“What’s up?” He asked

“Do you have my perfume I left here a while back” I asked

“Mmm I should, might be in my top drawer” he said

“Yeah you might want to mask that smell” Matt said laughing

“Ew….youre not funny” I said giving him a dirty look

“Yeah and youre ugly” he said making an ugly face

“You act like a two year old” I said not even looking at him

“Alright children enough” Chris said rolling his eyes

“I’m going to wait downstairs, I’m not going to allow Matt to ruin my night” I said after I sprayed myself with perfume and leaving Nicks room

About 10 minutes later they all came down and we decided to head out. Matt drove us to this influencers house who they knew and we headed in

“Alright guys don’t get too wild and try not to fight anyone” Nick said

“Got it” we said laughing

We walked in and started to say hi to the people we knew. I headed into the kitchen to make myself a drink because this was going to be a long night.

I was sitting in the kitchen sipping on my drink while people watching when I saw someone from the corner of my eye.

“Hey” he said, I looked over at him smiling as I swallowed my drink

“Hi” I said properly

“I’m Grey, but most people call me G” he said sticking his hand out for me to shake

“I’m Y/N” I said shaking his hand

“Are you here alone?” He asked as he began to make himself a drink

“Oh no I’m here with some friends, but we branched off” I said to him

“Oh nice yeah I did the same. I think my friends with some girl or some shit” he said shaking his head

“Ahh yes the classic party hook up” I said

“So cliche right” he said laughing

I went to answer but Matt walked into the kitchen clearing his throat and shoving in between us to get a Pepsi

“Oh uh am I interrupting something?” Matt asked looking between Grey and I

“No, go away Matt” I said sighing

“Cant I get a drink?” He said cheering my cup and giving me a shit eating grin

“I’m going to uhhh I’m going to head out” Grey said before walking off

“You fucking dick” I said punching Matt

“I came to get a drink” he said shrugging his shoulders

“You’re such a fucking asshole I hate you” I said finishing my drink and going to make another one

“Not sure why you hate me” he said scoffing

“Tuh- you’re not sure?” I said grabbing a coke to mix with Malibu

“Mmm no not really” he said shaking his head

“Oh well let me jog your memory shall I? You were an absolute piece of shit in high school. You called me every terrible name under the sun. You turned our whole grade against me. Let’s not forget that so-called prank you pulled on me. Calling me telling me you liked me when you knew I liked you asking me out and then telling me it was a joke and that you truly hated me. Oh not to mention you recorded it and sent it to the whole fucking school. You humiliated me in front of everyone” I said mixing my drink

“It wasn’t that serious, you know. I was hanging around asshole guys and I thought it was cool” he said nonchalantly

“You’re still the same way though” I said scoffing

“I’m really not” he said

“You are Matt….you are. I don’t know what I ever did to you, but I know I don’t deserve this shit” I responded

“Oh don’t act innocent you weren’t a saint” he said

“Yeah maybe in high school I got you back a few times but nothing compared to the shit you out, and that was high school were 21 now” I responded

“I have my reasons and you have yours” he said

I looked at him and scoffed…what is he even saying

“Grow up Matt” I said lifting off the counter to walk away

“Right back at you” he said shaking his head

“And stay the fuck out of my way” I said shoving past him

I walked off angrily and decided to look for Grey because I really needed to take my mind off of Matt. He was making my blood boil and my head spin

I saw Grey sitting on a couch scrolling through his phone

“Hey stranger” I said walking up to him

“Oh Heyy Y/N” he said smiling and locking his phone to put it away

“Sorry about that back there he can be a bit annoying” I said sitting next to him

“Ex boyfriend drama?” He asked

“Oh god no. Rival since high school” I said laughing

“Damn since high school” he said

“Yeah” I responded taking a seat next to him

Grey and I had been talking on the couch for a while. His fingers and hands often becoming loose and touching me. Nothing that made me uncomfortable, but it was certainly strange.

Unbeknown to Y/N Matt was watching her and Grey the whole time. He had a weird feeling about him, but couldn’t put his finger on it. He didn’t like that Grey was touching her, but she didn’t seem bothered so he stood back.

“Hey want to head up to a room I can’t really hear you” Grey asked nicely

“Ummm yeah sure” I said

“Nothing weird I promise” he said laughing

“Oh no worries” I said laughing and getting up to follow him

Matt was sitting as he watched them get up and head to the stairs. His ears perking up at this…..something was telling him to follow them.

Slowly Matt got up following behind them at a good distance. Listening in on their convo as best as he could. Didn’t seem strange, but he still wanted to make sure Y/N was okay.

Grey and Y/N had walked into a room shutting the door behind them, and Matt stood a few feet behind. He didn’t want to listen in, but he also wanted to make sure nothing weird was about to go down

“So tell me more about you” Grey said as we both sat on the bed

“Mmm well I’ve been living here for a while now, I’m originally from Boston” I said scanning my brain for more things to say

“Nice nice” he said staring at me

“I’m not sure what else to say” I said giggling

But Grey didn’t say anything he just stared at me….it started to bother me

“Is there something on my face?” I asked getting nervous

“Oh uh no sorry you’re just gorgeous” he said

“Oh thank you” I said looking down

At first coming up here seemed like a good idea, but now I’m worried he got the wrong picture. I did not want anything to do with this man other than a possible friendship. This was started to bug me out

Suddenly he started to lean in, I jumped up

“Oh no no that’s not why I came up here” I said backing away

“Oh? Well then why did you come up here” he asked shocked

“Umm because I thought you wanted to hear me better not try to kiss me” I said looking at him weirdly

“Well one kiss wouldn’t hurt” he said getting up

“No I’m good” I said nodding my head at him

“Just one come on” he said in a sleazy way

“And I said no. No is a full sentence” I said getting upset

“Stop being a tease already” he said

“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I do not want to kiss you” I said

He came closer and I backed away banging into a table against the wall

“Back away” I said

On the other side Matt heard the muffled conversations and the scuffling going on between two people, but he didn’t know what was going on.

“Please stop” I said pushing him off of me as we struggled against the table causing some things to fall

“Come on baby” he said getting upset

“FUCK OFF” I yelled pushing him off and grabbing the front door

My eyes surprised me when I made eye contact with Matt who was standing infront of the door

“Matt?” I asked confused

“What’s going on?” He said looking behind me into the room

“Nothing” I said pushing him back trying to get him to leave

“Your little bitch is a tease” Grey said to Matt

“She’s not a bitch, and if she said no then it’s no” Matt said looking the dude up and down

“She doesn’t want you either, so don’t try to be Superman” he said scoffing

“Fuck you. I’m being a decent human being respect her” Matt said

“What are you going to do about huh?” He said laughing at Matt

“Come on stop” I said trying to pull Matt away

“No” he said pushing my hand away

“You’re a piece of shit” Matt said walking towards Grey

“Don’t care” he said still laughing

Matt looked at him before punching him in the jaw

“MATT WHAT THE FUCK” I yelled out

They both started to scuffle around throwing punches

“Stop it” I said trying to pull Matt away

Matt hit the guy again in the nose causing him to stumble backwards

“When a woman tells you no that means no” he said backing away from Grey

“Matt we have to go now” I said pulling him away

Matt and I ran down the stairs and to his car

“Are you okay?” He asked me as we got in the car

“Yeah I’m fine” I said bluntly

“What a sick fuck” he said turning his car on

“Why do you care?” I asked

“Well I got a bad vibe from him okay, and I just didn’t want you to get hurt” he said as he pulled off

“Matt caring about me” I asked

“I don’t care about you…..I just didn’t want some creep to take advantage” he said scoffing

“Mm don’t care about me sureeeee” I said sitting back in my chair

“I don’t fucking like you okay Y/N” he said getting upset

“Feelings mutual I could’ve handled my own” I said

“Didn’t seem like it” he said

“I had it” I said getting upset with him

“You’re so stubborn” he said

“And so are you” I said

“Just stop okay” he said gripping the steering wheel tighter

“Stop what? Just take me home and shut up” I said rolling my eyes

“You’re such a bitch I try and help you and this is what I get” he said

“Stop the car” I said bluntly

“No” he said

“Matthew stop the fucking car now” I said

Matt looked over at me and pulled over. I hopped out and began to walk

“What the fuck are you doing?” He asked

“Shut the fuck up” I said continuing to walk

Matt hopped out the car following behind me

“Get in the car now” he said sternly

“You’re not my dad, go away” I said shooing him

“I’m not asking you again. Get in the car now” he said trailing closer to me

“GO AWAY” I yelled at him

Matt ran a little faster and grabbed my arm pulling me to turn around

“IM NOT LEAVING YOU HERE STOP BEING STUBBORN AND GET IN THE CAR” he yelled at me

“Let go of me” I said pulling my arm away from him harshly

“Get in the car. I know you hate me. I get that, but get in the car. I’ll take you home and I’ll never bother you again” he said

“Matt no I’m not going anywhere with you” I said

“Stop being so stubborn holy shit” he said pulling at his hair

“No one told you to save me, no one told you to take me home and no one told you to follow me out here. You don’t like me so go away” I said turning around to keep walking

“Yeah I don’t like you because…..because I love you” he said

I stopped in my tracks and slowly turned around to face him

“What?” I asked

“I love you okay” he said shaking his head

“No no you’re not doing this. After all these years of being a piece of shit you’re not about to pull this I love you card” I said pointing at him

“I’ve been a horrible person I know, but I truly didn’t know how to express myself. And i know these words probably mean nothing. But I want you to know I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hide my true feelings by pretending to be mean to you. When I saw you and that guy I got so jealous because that….that should be me” he said

“I don’t know what to say to you” I said shaking my head

“That’s okay. Just get back in the car, let me take you home. And you don’t have to see me ever again” he responded

“Matt I… I don’t know what to say because I love you too. I have loved you since high school, and I masked these feelings with hatred because it was the easiest thing to do” I said

“I’m sorry, okay. I never meant to hurt you the way I did” he said

���I don’t know if I can accept that apology right now. You hurt me badly” I told him

“I get that, but just let me take you home and we can talk about it tomorrow” he said

“Ok” I responded in a whisper

I got back into Matt’s car and he drove me home. The whole ride was silent. My thoughts racing in my head about what he told me….did he really love me?

Matt got to my apartment complex and walked me to my apartment door

“Thanks Matt” I said looking at him

“Oh yeah no worries can’t have you walking alone at night” he said

“No. I mean for everything tonight thank you” I said smiling

“Oh yeah. Of course” he said smiling back

“Ummm I really like you, and you did hurt me, but I want to work this out” I said

“Yeah yeah I do too” he said looking at my eyes

“Well goodnight Matt” I responded opening my door

“Can I have a hug?” He asked shyly

I smiled at this and pulled him in for a hug, kissing him on the cheek

“I appreciate you truly for tonight” I said smiling weakly

He nodded his head at me

“I’ll call” he said

“I’ll answer” I responded

And with that I walked into my apartment locking the door behind me.

Matt drove back to pick up his brothers. Once he was home he laid in bed smiling to himself.

I can’t wait to hear her voice again.

The End

I hope you enjoyed this one I love yall sooo much omgg🥹🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

[avkima]

~invisible strings:jamie flattersxreader~

Chapter 1

Summary: after Bailey drags Reider (reader) to meet Britain’s friends for a little hangout a quick bond is formed between her and Jamie. Doesn’t matter though, she’s so in the friend zone. P.S summary will change chapter to chapter as new info is given

tags:friend groups, Bailey Bass is your bff, Avatar cast, Sam and Zoe are your parents simply because they can be, fluff, friends to lovers, angst, love triangle if you squint, unrequited love but it’s really not, closed door smut. Stay tuned for some Easter eggs of secret characters and plot lines.

wc: 1.2k

tag list↯

@neteyams-wh0re

💌💌💌💌

truly don’t think I’ve lived before I found you.

But it was always meant to be

I never saw the world until I looked into your deep brown eyes.

You were there in the little things, but how had our paths never crossed?

I never felt alive until I felt your touch.

As a connected duet we preform this experience together.

I wish to dance with you forever.

For eternity—

Not just till death do us part.

-jamie flatters

* “Shall I compare the to a summers day?”

“I’m more of a fall to be honest”

——————

I really needed to get out of my dorm. Or at least that’s what Bailey had been telling me when she caught me talking to myself while folding laundry. She would barge in unannounced when she felt the need. Today I had been home alone all day so ranting to myself about horrible Professor Quaritch was inevitable.

“I was winning an argument—now I’m off track” I glance at her as she strolls in.

“Oh my apologies weirdo.” She sits down next to me and begins folding too, “Have you been in here all day? It looks spotless!”

My tiny 250 square foot dorm could be cleaned top to bottom in an hour if I was being a perfectionist about it—or I had neglected it that week. But I wasn’t about to go through my whole list of antisocial activities which only included an hour or two of actual school work.

“Yeah mostly, that and Gilmore Girls”

“You live like you have no friends”

I chuckled, “I live like an introvert who has been with her friends all week!”

She frowned.

Bailey was the most bubbly extrovert I’ve met. Most of the time she was very understanding of our opposing personalities but to be honest I think she saw I was more in the dumps than I was letting on.

“Come on, you need to get your mind off of Chris and have some fun tonight!” Bailey gets a twinkle in her eyes, a plan is forming as she pulls me off of the beige couch. “It’s party time!”

I groan “I’m all for a little get together but I don’t know if I’m party ready.” Bailey tugs on my arms back and forth to get me to dance with her.

“Britain invited some of his friends and the group to his apartment. It’s gonna be like so chill, I promise no more than like 7 people.”

I frown, mulling over how truthful that statement really was and how uncomfortable I would be if it truly was a party.

She notices I haven’t exactly been won over and back tracks. “I said party but I didn’t really mean party. It’s so casual and you know me, you know Britain, and you know Jack.” She meets my eyes for the selling point blinking her big green eyes “plenty of people to hide behind.”

I sigh. I hadn’t met any of Britain’s friends but I knew Bailey hangs with them too so they couldn’t be too bad. If anything I can just be introduced and then let Bailey and Jack do all the talking.

“Ok sure.”

“Yay! We can bring drinks, our wine is gonna go bad soon.”

>——————>

October In LA proved to be colder than I usually is. I regretted my sleeveless top but the jeans made up for it. With some chilled Merlot and some odd white claws or two in tow me and Bailey headed out to Britains apartment just off of 110 not far from campus. The smooth car ride in Bailey’s Camry proved useful for my mascara application. She had mentioned some of her boyfriend’s friends were single and encouraged me to at least get out of my sweat pants. I wasn’t getting my hopes up but I guess I was expecting something…maybe.

Britain’s apartment always smelled like something was cooking even when there was no food in the house. Tonight it smelled like burnt…toast?

Bailey scrunches her nose upon entering, “What did you burn?”. She asked Britain who opened the door for us.

“Popcorn.” He kisses her cheek and takes the drinks to the kitchen. “At least we have these” he tosses the bag of popcorn into the trash and takes some plastic cups out of the cabinet.

We set our bags down on the couch and look around at the seemingly empty apartment.

“Where are the boys?” Bailey asks, stepping closer to me. I know what she’s doing.

“Not sure actually,” he looks towards the hallway that led to his and his two roommates rooms. “Party’s here bros!”

My stomach flipped as a guy emerged from the hall, thankfully followed by Jack.

Jack greeted me with a smile and hug, “hey bro.”

The other guy he was with looked pretty friendly, a big smile on his face as he introduced himself. “Hey I’m Duane.”

“Reide.” I smile and shake his hand.

Britain calls out for ‘Filip and Jamie’ who we could hear laughing in one of the bedrooms down the hallway while we had been making our introductions.

One Filip and Jamie come walking down the hall—though I do not know which is which. They were still chuckling to each other from their conversation.

Bailey linked arms, probably trying to ground me with all these new people…new boys.

“So this is Jamie,” she gestures to the brunette with the sharper features who also seemed to be a few inches shorter than “and this is Filip.”

“this is Reider.” She finishes

“Everyone just calls me ‘Re or Reide.” I smile at them giving him my best attempt at confidence.

“Good to see you Reide.” Filip says he seems less chummy with me but this almost gives me more solidarity with him.

Jamie’s eyes catch my attention. They are blue or maybe hazel. The apartment lighting is still enough to see that he’s pretty. One of the hotter guys I’ve ever seen on campus.

“That’s a pretty name, ‘Reide.” He shakes my hand.

My flick wider and my cheeks grow hot.

He’s fucking British.

“Oh wow you have an accent.” Shove my hands in my back pocket, again posing myself as confident to make up for how frocking nervous I was to be talking to a cute boy.

“Yeah I’m from London.” His smile tells me he’s had this conversation a lot.

I panic a bit, not knowing whether he rather me just move on from his Britishness or if it would be rude to be so disinterested.

Bailey comes in to save me. “Well Britain burnt the single snack he had so is anyone up for a snack run?”

We all agreed the night would end in a movie and some games as we piled into Duane’s van.

He graciously offered to drive us to Walmart. Jack jumped in the passenger seat and immediately grabbed the auxcord.

The seating arrangement left me sitting in the middle of Jamie and Bailey. He smelled good though like cinnamon, vanilla and maybe pine. I hoped I smelled good, seeing as my body was so close to his. He was even cuter up close.

Jack started playing Get Him Back by Olivia Rodrigo and from there the chaos sprung. The boys belted the lyrics as if they had just been through some gut wrenching break up with their gaslighting boyfriend.

I giggled with Bailey, content. They seemed pretty cool but the night has just begun.

[oldiesstationlover11607]

🎶Hello, is it me you’re looking for?🎶

Salutations! It is I! 💛! Your favorite yellow emoji! I am sorry I haven’t requested anything recently. I just went to my show last night actually and so I’ve been busy prepping for that and traveling! It was amazing by the way! God it was like I dream! You’ll love it when you see them! Also, the last one shot was so cute and fluffy and I love it so much! When he gave the reader his shirt 😭!

Anyways, my request. At my show, Tyler made an innuendo on stage which inspired this. I was wondering if you could do a story where Tyler has a game where he tries to subtly flirt with the reader as many times as possible on stage. Maybe it could be talking, maybe it can just be him winking at her or something like that. Maybe after he does it one night, fans notice and they explode on twitter or something. Idk. I know this may be a stupid idea, but I felt like it could cute and fluffy if you want to try it! ☺️

P.S. Would you be willing to write for Spooky Jim (Josh’s blurryface persona)? I have possible ideas for that. To me, he’d just kinda be the same as Blurryface, just with Josh. But, you could see him differently (I’m sorry if you’ve written him before and I just didn’t see).

Flirt - Tyler Joseph x Reader

Relationship: Tyler Joseph × Reader

Warnings: Tyler flirting - innuendos, Tyler kissing the reader and being extra

Word Count: 1844 - I lowkey feel bad for these being short but it kinda fits the request prompt lol

A/N: Welcome back bestie 💛 anon! I hope you like this one - Tyler has been so unhinged lately it's been hilarious. I'm so glad you enjoyed your show, I can't wait for mine :) And YES of course I'm willing to write for Spooky Jim! I love Josh so much lol and I can imagine his blurryface persona being so much more heartbreaking considering Josh is such a sweetheart. I haven't written him yet but I'd can't wait to see your ideas!

It had come around to that part of the album cycle again where Tyler and Josh were on tour and for the first time since Tyler and I had gotten engaged, I was on tour with them. We were about halfway into the shows when we stopped in LA for a two night stay. Tyler had gotten up much earlier than I–as usual–to make sure everything was set up and to do a soundcheck before the show. We normally slept in after the late nights with Tyler getting up around 12:00 and I at 1:00 (although Tyler did make sure to bring me food when I was still in bed). After an afternoon of exploring the city, we made our way into the dressing room, waiting for fans to pile in. He scrolled through social media and did some vocal warm ups before sitting down on the couch with me. Josh was sitting in front of the mirror, mostly ready with the exception of his hair, which he was redying. 

“How’re you feeling?” I asked Tyler. 

“Pretty good. It’s gonna be a good show, I can feel it.” Tyler could always tell how the shows were going to go–even before getting onstage–and everyone else around him could tell exactly how he was feeling. He had a calm look on his face, as if he was reflecting on plans for the show. 

“How much time do we have?” Josh asked, leaning back from the mirror to look at the analogue clock hanging on the wall. 

“About thirty minutes I think,” Tyler said, chugging the Red Bull can he’d picked out from the mini fridge. 

“Where do you want me during the show?” I questioned, each venue having a different ‘best spot’ that Tyler wanted me ‘stationed at’. Last night it was higher up in the venue in a VIP section for friends and family, which was cool because he could see me the whole time. 

“Just off stage works best. Debby’s going to be under the stage to help Josh before routines so if you want to hang with her then that’s cool too,” he explained. 

“Yep, I think she’s preparing everything down there now with Mark,” Josh got up. “I’m going to go wash this out.” He pointed to his hair and walked into the hallway in the direction of the showers, leaving Tyler and I alone. As soon as Tyler was sure Josh couldn’t see he wrapped his arms around me  and dragged me onto his lap. 

“You look good today babe,” he smirked, looking me up and down. I could feel the warmth spreading through my face. He always found the best moments to make me blush with his words. I moved in closer so he was hugging me close, my chin resting on his shoulder. 

“You look better,” I laughed, ruffling his hair. He chuckled, pulling me even tighter against him. he nuzzled the side of my head and planted a soft kiss on my forehead, before continuing

“I don’t know if I agree with you on that one.” He was never one to back down from teasing. He continued to hold onto me, gently massaging your thighs as you sat on his lap. Josh walked back into the room, his hair dry and back to its bright red peekaboo color. 

“We should probably get you where you need to be,” I chucked, looking at the clock and climbing off Tyler’s lap. He pouted, reaching his arms out and making grabby hands in my direction. “Come on.” I grasped his hand and pulled him up next to me–his hand staying intertwined with me even after he got up. We walked out of the dressing room and out into the hallway where the boys would usually split up. They hugged, patting each other on the back and smiling. 

“Have a good show,” I smiled, waving goodbye to Josh and following Tyler to the right side entrance. He held my hand as he followed behind the security guard, the sound of screaming fans pouring in through the walls. Tyler smiled widely, his expression practically screaming excitement and adrenaline. As soon as the guard opened the door the noise in the room multiplied, the room filled with screams and cheers, making it hard to even think. He held my hand tightly as he followed the guard, the room around us slowly shifting from the dim hallways to the bright stage being lit by lights and strobe. He stopped just off stage, taking a few breaths before he turned and faced you, his smile still beaming. 

“I love you,” I smiled. He pressed his lips to mine, cupping my jaw and slipping his tongue just inside my mouth. Something was different about him, like he had some sort of agenda or something to prove to me. He pulled back after a short while, gently biting my bottom lip as the music started playing. 

“I love you too,” he smirked, running onto the stage and turning on his celebrity persona. Tyler bounced through his first few songs, running around the stage and acting like his usual self. He was clearly high on adrenaline, with his brain focused on making sure the show ran smoothly. He made his way to the mic at the center of the stage for the talking break. As he began, he made direct eye contact with me, sending a cheeky smile my way. “Is everyone having a good time?” he shouted into the mic and pointed out to the sea of people who screamed back at him. “I can’t hear you. Scream louder for me!” He waved his arms in the air to the entire audience who screamed louder than before. “There you go,” he looked off stage at me and smirked knowing full well what he was doing. After a few more songs he moved to different parts of the arena for Ride where he was planning on getting people to sing the choruses with him. I had decided to sit under the stage with Debby who was watching, helping Josh to get changed for the next song. “Where’s my right side daddy?” I could hear Tyler shout through the speakers. My jaw dropped. 

“No fucking way.” 

Josh laughed under his breath, looking at me with raised eyebrows. “Yep.” As each chorus went by I nodded my head along to the beat and Tyler’s voice. 

“This is not happening,” I covered my eyes. 

“It so is,” Debby laughed, helping Josh into his jacket. The song continued until Tyler got to the last chorus, in the pit. 

“Oh my pit children, you need a daddy too,” Tyler’s voice moaned slightly making my knees go weak. He needed to stop this or it wasn’t going to end well for either of us. Debby was keeled over in laughter and I was mortified. This wasn’t happening. By the time they’d finished Paladin Strait and come off stage before the encore he’d continued to make suggestive jokes. Little did anyone know that each of his little jokes was perfectly aimed at me and as every one landed I got more and more worked up and embarrassed. Running offstage, Josh went straight to Debby and Tyler to I. My arms were crossed as he stood in front of me with a large and proud smirk slapped onto his face. 

“What?” he shrugged, taking a drink of water and jumping on the spot. 

“You know what,” I scoffed, clenching my fists and biting my lip to hide the smile I could feel coming on. I was terrible at being mad at people and Tyler always managed to unleash the happy side of me in the middle of every argument we’d ever had. 

“Yeah I do,” he kissed my cheek and ruffled my hair. With my brows furrowed I wrapped my arms around him, not wanting to let him go. As he rested his chin on the top of my head everything around us disappeared. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest as the smell of sweat and Red Bull poured from his pores. I didn’t care though, he was mine and he’d been driving me insane for the last hour and a half. Fans continued to scream as the end of the Paladin Strait music video played and Josh appeared next to us. I let Tyler go as the intro for Jumpsuit started playing. Josh ran back on stage to his drum kit but Tyler paused on the stairs looking at me. I shot him a wave and he mouthed the words ‘I love you,’ pressing his hands against his heart, ‘I know,’ I mouthed back with a short roll of my eyes before he bounced back on stage. I stood there, heart pounding, watching him take command of the stage once more, his voice raw and powerful as he sang the opening lines. The lights pulsed in sync with the music, and the crowd, already hyped, seemed to reach a new level of frenzy. I could see him glancing my way, just for a moment, every now and then. It was subtle, but after the stunts he'd pulled earlier in the set, I was more than aware. He was still playing his little game, flirting with me in front of thousands of people who had no idea the winks and smirks were meant for me. As the song ended, Tyler paused at the mic again, wiping the sweat from his brow. 

“You guys are incredible tonight!” he shouted, and the crowd roared in response. He turned slightly toward the side of the stage where I stood, his eyes glinting mischievously under the lights. “But there's someone over here who’s got me feeling... extra good tonight,” he teased, his voice dropping a little lower. I groaned, hiding my face in my hands. The audience, completely oblivious, ate it up, screaming and cheering at the implication. Twitter was going to be in shambles after this. He’d never been this bold on stage before, not with me watching from the sidelines. And I knew for a fact the fans would pick up on it. There was no way they wouldn’t. When they finished playing Trees and saying goodbye to everyone, Tyler ran off stage, completely drenched in sweat and buzzing with post-show energy. He didn’t waste a second before wrapping his arms around me, spinning me around in a tight hug. “How’d I do?” he asked, his breath hot against my ear, still catching his breath from the performance. I smacked him lightly on the chest, still smiling despite myself. 

“You’re impossible. You know that?” He grinned, leaning down to kiss me softly. 

“I only did it because I love you.” His smirk returned. “And because I love seeing you squirm like a bug.”

I shoved him playfully. “Yeah, yeah. Just wait till Twitter gets a hold of this.” Tyler chuckled, pulling me close again. 

“Let them talk.” His lips brushed my ear as he whispered, “You’re the only one I care about, anyway.”

//

Requests open!

[detailtilted]

I’ve had a handful of reblogs of my Index post lately – thanks for that! I’m always happy for anything that might reach people who haven’t heard about my project. ❤️

I just wanted to quietly note for any of my mutuals/followers who might not already be aware: I do keep that index pinned at the top of my blog, with working links, and I update it faithfully. The version being reblogged is like 6 months out of date and I think every link on it is broken. 🤣 The Google Docs spreadsheet linked on it has additional info and is also kept updated regularly. I have the share settings set to not require signing in, so you shouldn't need a Google account to view it.

Lately I’ve been publishing my YouTube videos on Fridays (if I have a new one ready) and waiting until Tuesdays to post about them on Tumblr. I do that because Tumblr people seem to be more active on the weekdays, but I usually add the new link to my Index post at some point on Friday after the video has gone live.

YouTube seems to have figured out I exist, and I’ve been gaining more traffic. It ebbs and flows, and it’s certainly nothing like what a popular YouTuber would get, but it feels like a lot to me. At times it’s felt very intimidating to realize how many people have watched what I’ve done.

One thing that’s made me especially happy is that, based on some of the comments I’ve received, the subtitles seem to be really helping people who don’t speak English as their first language. People have been able to understand things from these older videos that hadn’t made much sense to them before. For that matter, I myself, who can’t speak anything except English, have gained a better understanding of parts of these videos as a result of listening harder and researching stuff so I can create the subtitles and the sidebar content. I think I've had at least one “Ooooooh, that’s what they meant!” or "Ooooooh, that's why they said that!" type of moment in nearly every video I’ve done. I just had one last night on the video I'm currently working on.

In any case, if it hadn’t been for those of you here on Tumblr who noticed me and showed interest in what I was doing at a time when absolutely nobody knew who I was, I probably would have given up on this a long time ago. For a long time, I felt like I was mostly just doing this for myself and for maybe a dozen or so people on Tumblr who thought it was kind of cool. So if there’s anything I’m doing now that people are benefitting from and/or enjoying, everybody mostly has you all to thank for it. ❤️ And since I’m still having a lot of fun with this project, I’m very grateful for you all too. ❤️

[jazzy-dreamer]

MORE THOUGHTS AND DEVELOPMENT (If ya can even call it that) FOR MY DADTRAP AU

I’ve done a lil more hyperfixating researching, and I can now officially say I know almost all the basics about the fnaf timeline and lore!!! And I seriously mean the basics. To keep William/Springtraps goals consistent for this AU, there might be sliiiiiighty less child murder than there is in canon. Just an itty bit less. But who knows.

The AU’s story hasn’t all been figured out but I’ve got Springtrap’s character pretty much down!

Springtraps personality

Extremely low empathy.

Too much pride to admit fault.

Secretly hates himself 👍

Genuinely cares about his kids but sucks at showing it or even recognising this fact for himself.

Doesn’t understand people or how in the world they think and especially feel.

Despite not understanding people he’s a surprisingly great manipulator.

He acts entirely on logic and reason rather than emotions.

Is aroace (doesn’t know) and only got married to get his abusive parents off his back.

Probably autistic. (I didn't even decide this cause I'm autistic and want more representation. It's just the way I've written him that gives him super big 'tism vibes)

Feels closer connection to his robots than humans or animals.

Has chronic pain and fatigue after getting springlocked yay!

Has always felt disconnected from other humans even when he was one himself.

Has never had hot chocolate made with milk before. Only water. That's how you know he's a psychopath.

Story changes and William’s motivations

These are all just concepts and stuff might change. Right now almost everything plays out mostly the same as it does in canon. The pizzeria, the 5 dead kids that possess the animatronics, etc etc. One problem I’m having is what I’m gonna do with Charlie/Puppet. I know she was William’s business partner’s daughter, and William killed her, and she possessed the Puppet. But I don’t think anyone really knows WHY he killed her. And it’s kinda important I know for this AU to make sense- So either I’m just gonna have to come up with a reason that fits, or she just straight up doesn’t die. Most likely Charlie will still die and possess the puppet. We shall see tho! :]

The main changes in this AU will be Williams motivations and his actions. He’s still a kid murderer. But he doesn’t go killing all the kids simply because he can, or because he’s seeking immortality for himself, or any of the supposed reasons he killed the kids. My idea right now is Elizabeth, Williams daughter, was suffering from a terminal illness with only a few months at most to live (What illness I dunno but I don’t think it matters that much)

William wanted to be a good father for even just once and began seeking ways to somehow save her. He eventually discovered that someone could essentially be made immortal by stuffing their dead body into an animatronic, and they would “live on” with their soul possessing it. I’m not sure how exactly the idea came to his head. Maybe the crying child possessed Golden Freddy after the chomp malfunction and gave William the idea to test the theory some more. And he thought if it works, he can freakin stuff Elizabeth’s dead body into an animatronic and “save” her that way. As I said these are all ✨concepts✨ so there will probably be plot holes and plenty of questions of “how this” and “why that” But it wouldn’t be Fnaf without all that would it? gjdgfkfgfjh

Elizabeth will probably still end up possessing Circus Baby, but how she does will most likely be different. Maybe Elizabeth finally succumbed to her illness, William wasn’t expecting it this soon and he didn’t build any kinda robot for her ready, so he shoves her into Circus Baby without thinking while he had the chance, and that’s pretty much all I got so far!! :D

Changing William/Springtraps motivations affected the entire story a lil bit more than I was expecting but hopefully I shouldn’t have to adapt too much more-

I haven’t done anything really beyond fnaf 2 so maybe expect something past that soonish!!

[asshlyyyy]

That Tour Life (Austin!Elvis x Reader)

This may have taken a couple of months to come out... but better late than never I say! I hope this came out the way you wanted it. I’m not the biggest fan of it, but I love the ending. This is the second thing I wrote today- Like who even am I?

I know my fics have been more on the shorter side, well... short for me, and I apologize. Yet, when they are shorter, it means I can get more out. Which is great for you guys! 

Requested by Anonymous, check out the original ask here!

Masterlist

Pairing: Austin!Elvis x fem!reader

Warnings: Swearing, Sickness, Mentions of throwing up, Spelling and Grammatical Errors. 

Word Count: 1.4k

"Elvis, please, you have to let me go." You begged Elvis for what seemed to have been... the twentieth time. Elvis let out a sigh and shook his head. You immediately began to frown. 

"Y/n... It's not goin' to be what you expect it will be." He pointed it out to you. 

"It's better than just sitting home and not doing anything." You threw your arm out. Elvis turned his head to look at you. 

"Fine... fine, but don't say I didn' warn ya." You let out a squeal and threw your arms around him.

"Thank you, thank you!" Elvis chuckled at your response and returned your embrace.

You have been trying to convince Elvis to let you join him on tour ever since he first announced it. Which, was... just about a week or two ago. Of course, you bugged him immediately to let you join. 

You never been with toured on him. He claimed it was because he didn’t want to make you suffer. All he did was ride on his plane, never really have a full nights rest. Eat junk food… rinse and repeat. Which did not sound exactly so nice… But you would make it work. 

You pulled away from Elvis and ran into your bedroom, only to just run back out. “I have to start packing!”

Elvis chuckled at your foolishness and went back to what he was doing. Elvis mostly had it easy. He had his wardrobe all ready for him, he hardly ever really needed to pack a bag. He just showed up and everything he needed was right there for him. 

Yourself on the other hand… Well, you had to pack for lord knows how long. You could find time to wash clothes… What else would you be doing when not around Elvis. You made sure to pack more then enough clothes, and some jewelry and what not. 

Once you were done with that well… what was there to do? Wait you supposed. But you were antsy. You wanted to be on tour now. You wanted to go through Elvis’s day to day life when he was touring. 

It wasn’t too bad of a tour lined up. I think in total… you were going to be gone for a few weeks. Elvis has mentioned that once a show was done, he was on the plane for the next show. Which sucked, but you got to be with Elvis… and that was the most important part. 

Before you knew it, you were on the plan and going to your first location. You were ecstatic. Mostly because you haven’t been on a plane since forever, but also just because well… this is something you wanted to do.

“Ya okay there, darlin’? Ya lookin’ a bit sick.” Elvis asked as he turned to look at you. 

You shook your head quickly and looked at him with a smile. “I’m just excited. I get to go to cities I’ve never been before… See more of the world. Well… more of the states but still.”

“Well, if you get sick let me know.” Elvis said. It’s like he knew you would get sick. Of course you wouldn’t though. Why would you? There was no reason to. 

“I won’t get sick, Elvis. I’m a big girl.” You stated. Elvis hummed in response. 

“Mmm, sure you are.” Elvis chuckled and went back to the book he was reading. You knew at some point you would be in Las Vegas for a couple of days. That would give you time to look around the city and actually sightsee. You would have to pull Elvis out one day to force him upon your adventures. 

There were a view more major cities thrown in there as well, but let’s be honest… You were most excited about Vegas. You wanted to see the city that never sleeps. All the beautiful flashy lights. God, it sounded like a dream. 

The days went one and honestly you were feeling pretty great. You saw Elvis do sound check, you watched him and his back up singers. The band. Everything was just amazing honestly. Sure, there were some moments when you were just sick and tired of hotel food, but you would usually just go ahead and get something from a restaurant close by.

You can see why Elvis can be so tired by the end of every day though. Yet, he was glad you came along because you made it easier. Somehow you did… you weren’t going to question it… but.

When it got to the final week, you were over it. You were getting more and more sick with every flight. Thank you, Elvis, for jinxing it. You’ll have to remember to smack him when your well. 

Truth be told you wanted to go home. You were honestly over it, and you didn’t understand how Elvis was able to do this so often. God, you need to have a kid quick so you can use that excuse.

“You okay?” Elvis asked from across the way. You looked up at him and gave him a soft smile. 

“I’ll be okay. Just need to rest is all.” You answered. 

Elvis nodded and reached out for you. He gave your leg a light squeeze. “If you need anything let me know.”

“I will,” you smiled smiled and closed your eyes. It will take awhile for the next location, and thankfully the last, so you decided to at least try and sleep. 

“We have to make a pit stop. Need more gas,” someone came around to tell Elvis. You opened your eyes and looked over at Jerry who just told him. 

Most of the guys rode on different planes. Mostly because this was Elvis’ own private jet, but a few close friends of his… like the Memphis Mafia rode alongside with him. It was mostly Jerry though. Jerry was the one who stuck around the most. He was also there to hang out with you when Elvis was busy.

“Where are we landing?” He asked. 

“In Memphis funny enough.” Elvis turned to look at you. 

Before he could even get a word out you started to agree. “Yes.” Jerry looked at you confused. Did he just miss something? Was this that weird twin telepathy but with couples? God he needed to find someone.

“Y/n will get off then. She’s feeling sick so she’ll just go home. Have a car sent out?” Jerry nodded at Elvis’ request and walked out.

“So, was it as lavish as you thought it would be?” Elvis asked with a smug look on his face. You let out a sigh and looked away from him. You knew what he was trying to get at, and you didn’t want to give him that satisfaction. 

“It was nice, I think it’s more or less… not having a home cooked meal.” You replied. Which was honestly a good response. You didn’t really hate it. 

“Yeah, that’s the one bad thing. I miss ya home cooking. If ‘m having a bad day… your cooking brings me right up.” Elvis said. You blushed at his words.  That’s when you felt it inside. Your stomach was not happy, and your lunch was about to come up.

“Oh god-“ you whispered and got up from your seat. This has to be an all new low. You scrambled to the bathroom and closed the door behind you and let it rip. You were embarrassed… Throwing up on a plane?! I mean… not to mention throwing up in general. 

You just knew Elvis would try and throw this back at you. He said it in the way beginning, and you just knew it… God. You wanted to cry, and surely enough… you did start to cry. Your throat was now burning, your insides were just emptied out.

Once you finished your… You stood up and washed your hands. You needed water. You need mouth mouth… You needed anything to just clean your mouth out. Your breath smelt disgusting and you already knew that. 

As you came back to your seat, you found that there was a glass of water and a mint. You smiled softly and felt the tears fall down your face. Elvis may have been right, but he would still look out after you.

“Jerry talked to ma daddy. He’ll come pick ya up at the airport and take you home. He said he’s already speaking to ya mama and she’ll be at Graceland.” Elvis explained what was happening. You nodded taking in the information and sat down. You drank your water and pooped the mint in before leaning back.

“Thank you, Elvis.” You said softly.

“No need to thank me, darlin’. Just lookin’ after what’s mine.” You smiled at his words and opened your eyes once more to look at him. You were Elvis’ and no matter what… he would put your needs first before his pride.

Want to join my taglist? // Let me know If I spelt any wrong! I have updated my form for my taglist. You will be tagged under everything now in that selected fandom/person. Just makes my life easier.

Taglist: @babyhoneypresley, @mirandastuckinthe80s, @mommy-maia, @yagirlalexx, @alligator-person, @diorxmimi, @anangelwhodidntfall, @pumkiinpasties, @djconde58, @21bruhs, @girlblogger2002, @dollfaceyourfear, @homebodybirkin2003, @dark-as-love, @pandora-journey, @hsstylesrings, @4everrmore, @bewitched-tales, @butlersluvbot, @curatedbyemily, @gyomei-tiddies, @wandawiccan60, @re3kin, @passengerjett, @neepo, @vane28282, @emilykolchivans, @gothantoinette, @gruffle1, @annamarie16, @misacc08, @marchingicenotes7, @callthedarknessdown, @domaniquessidehoe, @gay-af-satan, @skinnypantsmcgee, @sassyblazecloud,  @lordandmistress, @nuo0n, @coldonexx, @adoreyouusugar, @aliciaelle47, @danitheedanimal, @raefoxiegirl, @cobra-kaii, @rylee-durhxm, @crabat-the-queen, @austinbutlersgirlfriend, @hopefulinlove, @aradevil, @laperceval, @xcallmetaniax, @londonalozzy, @mslizziesblog, @gloomynigvts, @randompointlessbeauty, @nora-nexus-34, @jazmin2211, @kittenlittle24, @moonbird1507, @bobthefishiesworld, @cevans-winchester, @luckyevansstan, @noorreads, @normatural, @hauntedarchivesx, @thatcrazyfangirl22, @amiets2, @myguiltypleasures21, @poppet05, @xcallmetaniax, @fullmetal-falcon​, @kaitaesupremacy​, @rainydayz101​, @asd-n-adhd-fox​, @eliseinmemphis​, @adaydreamaway08​, @stitchattacks​ @vintagegirl50s60s70s80s​, @dkayfixates​, @fa1ryprincess222​, @austinstyles​

[hiraeth-witch-11]

The Greed of Men Part 4

Warnings: conspiracy to commit murder, slavery, death, blood, nightmares

Word Count: 1800ish

“It went fine, neither of us died so I’d say it actually went well. We’ll probably continue our ‘little chats’. Now stop fussing and get some sleep.”

“Are you sure you’re alright on the floor, Katya?”

“Yes, Alya. I prefer it to that cloud you call a bed. I wouldn’t want to sink and suffocate in my sleep,” you say.

“The General said he would arrange for you to have your own rooms tomorrow. Along with some clothes and such.”

“How kind of him.”

“You didn’t pack much and you can’t switch between the same two shirts everyday.”

“I could if I wanted to.”

“Don’t be stubborn.”

“Don’t ask the impossible, darling.”

A few moments of silence pass. Alina asks tentatively, “Are we okay?”

“Oh Alya, of course we are. Where is this coming from, malen'kiy?”

“You haven’t told me anything about what happened while you were gone.”

“I was traveling, sestra, looking for you-”

“And it took you months to find me? Wait, I’m sorry that came out wrong. I know you and you’re avoiding it. Are you- are you mad at me for being here?”

“I could never be mad at you, malen’kiy. I don’t want to burden you with the boring details-”

Alina scoffs, “At least don’t lie to me about it, Katarina.”

“I keep a lot of things secret from you, Alya. I’ve done things I don’t want you to know about. You know this.”

“I just don’t know why you still keep it from me. I tell you everything. Why don’t you do the same?”

You take a deep breath, considering what you should say. “You’ve seen my scars, malen’kiy. You know some of what I’ve done on the streets to survive, the sort of work I take to stay close to you. I’m a thief, an informant, sometimes a mercenary and a killer. You deserve better than to share the weight of what I have done. Family before you and Malyen only meant bad things. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and I guess, for me, that always just meant hiding the bad from you. You were just a child and it was the only way I knew how to protect you. It’s hard to change that behavior, even though you’ve grown up.” You pause and let out a shaky breath. “Give me some time, Alya. I promise one day I will tell you everything. As soon as I get used to you no longer being Little ‘Lina.” Your voice is teasing as you stop speaking. 

“You promise?” Alina asks, voice serious.

“On my life, Alya.”

“Could you tell me something tonight? Just one thing, something small?”

“All of it is dark, love, none of it would make a good bedtime story.”

“Please? One of the stories behind your scars. I won’t ask again if you tell me now. You owe me this much.”

You sigh and give in. “Don’t complain to me when you have nightmares.” 

“I won’t,” She promises.

“When I was 16 and Ana Kuya was getting ready to kick me out, I started looking for more jobs so I could save up some. Before that, I mostly took easier jobs, stealing or spying. A lot of the time I just picked pockets. I’ve always been quick on my feet and good at getting in and out of tough spots. When I went to see a man about a real underground sort of job, I think he gave me something impossible on purpose. I don’t why, maybe the man who hired me saw a little girl, still naive in the ways of the world and he wanted to shatter that innocence. It doesn’t matter anyway. I was told to assist in retrieving some cargo, I was given a location and time to meet. It was supposed to be a simple job so I agreed. 

“But it wasn’t cargo, it was people. Three Grisha, a mother and her two children. I think they were going to be sold to Shu Han and Keramzin was just a stop on the way. They were all filthy and bruised. They couldn’t summon because of those bars that separate the hands. I couldn’t do it, Alina. I tried to get them out. Took off their manacles and everything, but the mother was too weak to run and the slavers heard us. That’s where I got the scar on my right shoulder, a gunshot wound.”

“What happened to the Grisha?”

“I think the kids got out. The oldest daughter was somewhere around my age, her little brother was much younger.”

“And the mother?”

“She didn’t make it.” You leave out the part where she had used her body as a shield to protect you and her children from the bullets the slavers fired. Most of them anyway. To those men, Grisha were better off dead than free. “I killed several of the slavers, most of them never saw my face, but the original man who had hired me, he knew my name and what I looked like. I killed him and took my payment. That’s why I’ve had to go further for work since aging out.” You chuckle. “I burnt most of the bridges in Keramzin.”

“I think I remember when you came back from that. You favored your shoulder for weeks and there was this empty look on your face when you thought we weren’t watching. Was that the first time you killed someone?”

“No, it was not.” You are glad when she doesn’t push you any farther.

“Thank you for telling me, sestra,” Alina whispers.

“You’re welcome, malen’kiy.”

“I love you, Katya.”

“I love you too.”

*******

Your dreams are never a safe place. They are the one place you struggle to defend yourself. The one place your memories can haunt you without fail.

“The best way to take down the Fold would be to burn the Sankta. If we do it slowly enough, it should be painful and last long enough to release all her light.”

“I still say exsanguination is the way to go to bleed out her power.”

“And I say we toss her into the Fold and let the volcra do it for us.”

Men, self reportedly Saintly men, were discussing the best way to sacrifice your sister to tear down the Fold. You stood there in the darkness, horrified as they kept listing new ideas. What was the best way to break down the Sun Summoner? How can they put her through the most pain to release the most power? How can they make it a spectacle worthy of the Saints?

In reality, when you had heard those words, you slaughtered the entire room in a flurry of shadows and knives. You had emerged dripping with blood, none of it yours, shaking with the strength it took to keep your shadows out of sight now that you no longer needed them. Sometimes they acted like they had a mind of their own, and that night they had been very, very angry alongside you.

In your dreams, however, you were frozen in those shadows, forced to listen to their plans before your dream would change and you would watch your sister die in a thousand different ways.

You had practice waking yourself up at night, and you are grateful for that tonight as you wrench yourself from the grasps of your dream. Your skin shines with a cold sweat and your clothes stick to your skin. From your spot on the floor, you can see your shadows flicking in anxiety under Alina’s bed. Clenching your fist, you direct them to dissipate. 

You rise and dress swiftly, before slipping out the window and scaling down the wall to get some air. The new guards the Darkling had posted there since you first broke in are startled, but hesitantly allow you to walk the grounds alone. The sky is clear tonight, the moon bright and the stars beautiful.

You find a clean looking patch of snow near the lake and lie flat, looking up at the twinkling lights to ground yourself. Digging your fingers into the ice, you breathe deeply. You aren’t panicking. You aren’t. You are just reorienting yourself after a vivid dream. You aren’t thinking about how much danger your baby sister is in. You aren’t thinking about how much you’ve hid from her. You aren’t cracking under the pressure of keeping her safe. You aren’t.

The soft crunch of soft snow notifies you of another’s presence just before they speak.

“Couldn’t sleep?” The Darkling asks. 

“Obviously not,” you snap.

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“Save it for Alina, Darkling. Is there a reason you’re out here?”

“Some very concerned guards told me you had snuck out. They weren’t sure if they should retrieve you or not.”

“Snitches.” Of course they had told him, it was likely just as much their job to report on you and Alina as it was to protect her.

“It is their job to keep the Sun Summoner safe. You coming and going at all hours of the night is unsettling for them.” You could swear there is humor in his tone.

“I’ll show them unsettling,” you grumble, refusing to stop looking at the stars.

“I’ve looked into you, you know.”

“I’m sure you have. And what’ve you found in a day’s time?”

“I found stories of a woman covered in blood carving her way up and down Ravka. Some say she appears out of thin air like a vengeful spirit.”

“And what does this have to do with me?”

“I wasn’t finished.”

“Go on then.”

“This spirit only hunts at night, killing those who are unfaithful to Sankta Alina.”

You hiss, “She’s a child, not a Saint.”

“I do not disagree with you, Ms. Starkov. But it doesn’t matter what you and I think at this point. The church has already taken the title and spread it. Will you not look at me while I’m speaking to you?” A touch of annoyance in the question.

“No.”

The General sighs but continues. “When you said you would keep your sister safe, I will admit I had not realized the lengths you went to in order to do so.”

“After our sparring session today, did you really still think I wasn’t serious?”

“You do realize that the number of Soldat Sol and church leaders you have killed could brand you a heretic.”

“You worried I’m gunning for your ancestor’s title?” You quip with a grin.

“Perhaps.” His tone is unreadable so you sit up and turn towards him. His face is darkly curious and slightly red from the cold.

“I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe. I’ve told you that. Do you believe me now?”

“I never doubted your conviction, Ms. Starkov, only your capability.”

“Well fuck you too,” you mutter. “Anything else you want to say to me, Shadowman?”

“Not tonight.”

“This has been a lovely chat, but I’m going to head back to bed.”

“Sweet dreams, Ms. Starkov.”

If you want to be put on, or taken off my taglist, feel free to tell me!

Series Taglist: budugu, stuffyownswrld, judig92, intothesoul

Shadow and Bone Taglist:

Everything Taglist: @kayhi808,

[shipskicksandgiggles]

Hi! I would like to request number 16 from your prompts list for buckingham (and maybe platonic!stobin involved if you feel like it?)

Thanks!

hello! I know it's been like a month, but I finally got around to editing this so here you are! I went the platonic stobin route because it fits well with the original situation, but I hope you like it

prompt: “Well, I mean, the waitress was flirting with you.” “The waitress was what now?” (from this list) Read Coffee Cures on ao3

Since she’d started college in Boston, Robin’s chances to see Steve had seriously diminished. 

Not that Steve was still in Indiana or anything, he’d moved with her, they just weren’t roommates like they were in Indy that one summer, and between her classes and his work schedule, they hardly saw each other. 

However when they did manage to get together, it was always an event. 

They were going to dinner and ice cream near Steve’s apartment, and were fully committed to a night of drinking and bitching about each other's love lives. 

It was going to be a great night. 

“I know I shouldn’t think about her, but you dated her didn’t you? How long did it take to get over her?”

“A while, Robs, but that’s why I’m telling you you need to let her go.”

“I’ve let her go, she’s gone, she hasn’t called me first in months, why should I care.”

Steve gave her an unimpressed stare, but before he could say anything, the waitress walked up to their table. Her name tag read Chrissy, which Robin thought was the perfect name for the bubbly blonde. 

“Did you have enough time to look at the menu?” she asked. 

 “We did,” Steve answered. “I’ll have the BLT please.”

“Alright, and for you?”

“I’ll have the house burger, but can I get that without tomatoes?”

“Absolutely, no tomatoes, got it. Is ketchup still okay?”

“Yeah, ketchup is fine, I just don’t like the texture of tomatoes themselves.”

“I’m right there with you, hon, I have the same problem with cooked peppers.”

“Oh my god, that’s the worst, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, we always find ways to deal, don’t we?” She winked at Robin, who smiled. “I’ll get that right in for you, and I’ll grab you another round of drinks if you’re ready.”

They both gave the affirmative, and she gave them another smile before she walked off. 

“You have been using Nancy as a distraction all night, I desperately need to hear about your roommate that you’re not at all in love with,” Robin told Steve once the waitress was gone. 

Steve stared at her for a beat before scoffing. “Sure, bring up the roommate, why don’t you? I’ve told you before, nothing can happen there. It look long enough to find a roommate, I can’t fuck this up.”

“Even if he’s hot as shit and acts interested in you?”

“And occasionally walks around in just a towel which leaves very little to the imagination,” Steve mumbled.

Robin shrieked and smacked him with a napkin. “Oh my god, you’re joking. Details, I need to know how this happened.”

“Jesus Christ, quiet down and I’ll tell you. My lord, people are staring, Robin.” 

“Sorry, sorry, please continue.”

Half way through his story about the hot water going out when he’d had an irregular day off from work that somehow was way more involved than Robin had expected, the waitress brought their food. 

“BLT for you, and a burger, no tomato for the lady,” their waitress said as she sat the plates down. “Let me know if you need anything else, alright?”

“For sure, thanks,” Robin responded, still mostly enthralled with Steve’s story. 

Steve barely paused either, only doing so long enough to smile at the waitress and focus back on Robin before he continued. 

Robin was putting money on Steve making out with his roommate within a week. Why are their mating rituals so intricate?

“It’s almost like he’s flirting with me, but I think he’s just being nice.”

“So I see we still haven’t unpacked your homoerotic friendship with that friend of yours from high school yet.”

“Leave Tommy out of this, jackass.”

The bickering continued until their food and drinks had all been finished, and the waitress dropped off their check. 

Robin sighed. “Alright, who’s turn is it to pay while the other person argues about it like we haven’t been doing this since high school?”

“It’s mine,” Steve said, pulling out his wallet. “Want to pick up ice cream on the way home?”

“You read my mind,” she said, grabbing her jacket and bag. “Let me go wash my hands before we leave, and then head back to yours for movies, more drinks, and a hangover tomorrow morning.”

“Ugh, don’t even say the word, Robs. But yes, exactly that, let’s go.”

The waitress picked up his card while Robin was still there, and evidently dropped it back off while she was in the bathroom. Steve grabbed his copy of the receipt and they went back to his car.

The rest of the night went exactly as described. It was their tradition, and neither of them had to work in the morning. 

Even if they did feel like shit the morning after. 

Steve handed Robin a cup of coffee and a painkiller. 

She grumbled her thanks and flopped down at his kitchen table. “I’m really glad Eddie is out of town, I love the guy, but I don’t know him well enough for him to see me like this.”

“He definitely wouldn’t care, but I get it. He’s a real sweetheart, I promise.”

“Jesus Christ, I can’t wait for this guy to fuck you.”

He smacked her lightheartedly, but seemed to brighten as if he realized something. “Speaking of getting fucked-”

“If this is about Nancy, I don’t want to hear it, I will throw up on you.”

“It’s not about Nancy, it’s about someone else who might be interested in you.”

“Literally who else do I know who likes women that I have a shot with?”

“Well, I mean, the waitress was flirting with you.” 

“The waitress was what now?”

“Flirting. With you, Robin Kathrine Buckley.”

“The waitress from last night?”

“Yes, that waitress.”

“She was not flirting, Steve, what the hell. Why on earth would you even say that?”

“First of all, did you not notice she didn’t look my way the whole night? She looked at you every time she came to the table. Also, you talked to her about vegetables.”

“So?”

“Robin, platonic love of my life, that’s a conversation you only have with someone you’d be interested in having other conversations with.”

“I thought it was a normal conversation,” Robin muttered. “I still don’t believe you.”

“Fine.” Steve got up and walked towards the door, as if to leave. 

“This is your apartment, Steve, you can’t just storm out.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.” 

She heard some shuffling and a noise of triumph before he came back in and slammed something on the table in front of her. 

“That’s our receipt from last night. I’m going to take a wild guess and say I wasn’t the one she left her number for.”

Sure enough, Robin was staring down at the set of numbers scrawled in the same neat, black pen their order had been, alongside another message. 

‘If you need help with the hangover you’re planning, I know a great place for coffee.  X, Chrissy’’

“What.”

“I’d take her up on that,” Steve said. “You look like shit but you can use my shower if you want.”

“I should call her?”

“Robin, if I have to dial the number for you, I will. Call her.”

She dialed the number and prayed to anyone listening that Steve was right. 

“Hello?” a feminine voice answered. 

“Um, hi, I’m sorry, Would your name happen to be Chrissy?”

“Yes,” the voice answered slowly. 

“Okay, okay, sorry, hi, I’m Robin, I think you were our waitress last night, and you left your number on our receipt.”

“Tomato girl!”

“Yeah, that’s me, I’m tomato girl.”

Steve snorted from where he was clearly eavesdropping. 

She ignored him. “Listen, I’d love to take you up on that cup of coffee if you’re still interested.”

“Definitely still interested. How soon can you be at The Brewery coffee house?”

“Give me 45 minutes.”

“Perfect, see you then, cutie.”

The line clicked, and Robin sat frozen in her seat. 

“Are you okay over there?”

“She called me cutie.”

“You’re meeting her in 45 minutes, you need to snap out of it and get in the shower.”

“This is true. Go through my overnight bag and find something suitable for a coffee date and substitute whatever you have to with things I’m sure I’ve left here.”

“Got it,” Steve saluted and went off to find her bag while Robin made her way to the bathroom. 

20 minutes later she felt loads better, and Steve had left a change of clothes on the counter for her. 

“Is this your shirt?”

“Not sure, it’s one of ours though.”

“Cool.” 

She changed and made a checklist of everything she needed before running out the door, promising Steve she’d text him updates and be back for her stuff later with a full debrief. 

As she raced down the stairs, she almost knocked Eddie over as he came home. 

“Eddie!”

“Robin, how are you?”

“Great, can’t stay and talk, but I’ll see you later. And actually,” she said, grabbing his wrist. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t do this and let you morons work things out at your own pace, but Steve did something nice for me this morning so this is me returning the favor.” 

She took a deep breath, allowing Eddie’s concerned face to ground her. “You’re not delusional, the feeling is mutual. You should definitely kiss him when you walk in the door.”

“Okay?”

“Great, hope you two finally bang it out! Put a sock or something on the door though, I’m coming back later and would rather not see your bare naked ass.”

“Noted.”

“Bye Eddie!”

And with that, she flew down the staircase and put the door in the direction she knew the coffee shop was.

[unorcadox]

2 years of unorcadox.

hey hi welcome all -- hello especially to my trans and nonbinary followers, hope we’re all doing well ^_^  today’s the blog’s birthday!!  as of this post going live, assuming tumblr actually does its job, it will have been 2 years since uo’s first post!  i wanna just talk about the blog a little because i haven’t talked on here much as of late.

however, before that, i want to just say that i’d like to eventually start releasing video edits to accompany certain edits!  i have no idea when this’ll get sorted, but i’m gonna try to get it ready by the turn of the year, so keep an eye out for that!  these will mostly just be a single edit with accompanying audio on them, but who knows.  maybe i’ll do something more?

in case you choose to not read the stuff below the read more, i just want to say thank you to everyone for supporting the blog over the years, and for continuing to do so!  anyways, onto the actual post:

first of all, thank you all SO much for 9000 followers!!  it’s over 9000 wow!!  ok but seriously, when i first started this blog, i didn’t expect anyone to ever see it.  i know it’s a cliche thing to say but i told no one i was making it, i didn’t network to other blogs, i just made a really shitty edit and slapped it up on here, and somehow i got lucky.  i’ve made over 800 edits as of today’s post, and that’s just the ones i’ve posted!  fun fact, if i’d never mass-posted my backlog in august, i would’ve ran out literally days ago.  that’s how much content i try to stay ahead on.

second of all, i kinda wanna take a moment to say that i’m sorry about the lack of requests being fulfilled -- both recently and in the past.  i edit in batches, and prioritize content i need for scheduling purposes, but sometimes requests get kinda forgotten in the shuffle, or i don’t really have much in the way of ideas for it, so i shelve it and hope i can come back to it later... which i very rarely do.  😔  going to try and catch up on a couple of ones i have and feel free to send in more!  i know i don’t really interact as much on here as i probably should, but i love getting asks and requests and i read the notes on my posts frequently so.  thank you for being there!

third of all, the future of the blog.  so, i want to make this clear now -- uo’s not going anywhere!  i don’t intend on changing the blog at all, if anything i’d want to add onto it.  i post 3 times a day now currently, with intermittent unplanned posts at off-times, mostly reblogs of others’ edits.  however, weirdcore is probably not forever and i am kinda thinking about where this blog could go in the future.  i’ve considered opening a redbubble, ko-fi or patreon, as a way to support myself financially (i take virtually every photo used on this blog, and use very little outside content esp. in these newer edits) but i am uncertain about it.  i could also try branching out my image editing into other styles or something, but idk what!  what would you guys like to see?  i’ve considered actually talking on the blog more, transitioning to having text posts be a major part of the blog, but i’m not quite sure about how they’d be received.  let me know if you want to see anything on here!  --  relatedly since we’re mentioning blogs, check out @dreamlink3d as i’m still working on it :)

one last thing actually, for those who choose to read the read more, enjoy the secret -- before i had to go on hiatus in august, i was working on trying to attach songs to specific uo edits, for a compilation album of some kind.  i ended up running them through a site that just attaches audio to an uploaded images in ...ways i don’t understand, BUT the end results were so fun, i edited and compiled them into 2 “albums”!  i don’t consider them my own work as i didn’t make the audio, and they won’t be used in the upcoming stuff, but you can listen to them here [1] and here [2] !  click on a song title to see its associated edit btw!

i know i said the last thing was the last but i just remembered actually, i want to say like.  it’s weird being one of the “first” weirdcore blogs to really hit its stride, and one of the only from that time to still be around and actively posting.  cahwwcabh is deactivated and they were a huge influence on me and wc as a whole, sanfor has deactivated, shwenthe/hazy/dragon/hauntedearth/a lot more tbh have more or less gone inactive, godenteredmybody and pirate-flavor still post intermittently, and most of the active blogs now are a newer set that i didn’t ever meet in my time in weirdcord.  it’s weird but cool in a way!  i really like the newer set of editors tbh, and i hope that me supporting them encourages people to check them out.  in general this whole section is meaningless but idk i felt like vocalizing it.  it’s a weird feeling watching all your peers more or less move on while you stay behind and see a new wave of artists take their place more or less.  anyways, i just hope that my edits still bring happiness and meaning to the people who see them :)

ok NOW i’m done.  sorry for the wall LMAO i just felt like actually saying something for once on here.  btw i’ve been doing a lot better since i got back from hiatus, i hope you (yes you, the reader of this post) are doing well too -- i know this blog tends to lean heavily on negative emotions, and as such it kinda attracts people who are troubled -- so i feel like i gotta check in every once in a while LMAO.  i hope life is being kind to you, thank you so much, and have a lovely day <3.

[avenyl]

Hello.

Is saying hello even appropriate at this point?

Uh, hi. I’m not back yet, I think. But I’m working on it. I’m sorry for the radio silence on literally every front but I’d be lying if I said I knew why it happened.

I just want you all to know what’s up in case that’s something you’re curious about. For those who are, read on. Those of you who aren’t, that’s alright. I’m glad to have you around anyway.

TL;DR I tell you what’s up but in like, ~700 words because I have no self-control.

I’m pretty sure my last login was sometime around February 2022. Can’t believe it’s been over a year and a half! Feels so weird to acknowledge that I’ve been away from art, something that’s been a constant in my life up until this point, for almost two years! Wow!

Those of you who saw the last of my posts already know what my mindset was like at the time. Honestly, I can’t really say it’s improved much, if any. Looking at the art I’ve put out so far makes me feel miserable, for a lack of better word. I’m not gonna elaborate on the feelings because I’m certain all of you have had them at some point. I had hoped they would vanish in time, but they did not.

I can’t tell if these feelings are related to what was going on in my life at the time (they probably are but I haven’t connected the dots yet), mostly because I don’t feel like anything particularly bad happened that could’ve boosted these feelings for me. In fact, a lot of good things happened. Some bad things happened too, as they usually do in life. So, to spare you the details:

-I met someone and we’ve been in a relationship sinch March 2022 (he’s great and we’ve been living together for almost a year now);

-I failed to graduate in 2022 but I managed to fix that at the beginning of July this year (finally!);

-I worked three different jobs in the meantime (not simultaneously) to afford rent, and those took up most of my energy;

-I’ve been on and off different meds while trying to figure out what works for me;

-A lot of family-related events happened in the year I’ve been gone and I’m sure there’s more to come;

-I’ve been reading a lot, and I honestly feel like that sort of became my outlet when drawing felt like too big of a challenge;

-I’ve become even less interested in pursuing the major I’ve been working towards so far, and I’ve decided to stop at my bachelor’s and maybe try my hand at some other profession somewhere along the line.

The last one did me in, honestly. Seeing all my colleagues and friends graduate while I sat back really took a toll on me and I don’t think I’ll be able to recover from that one for a while. The inferiority I felt regarding my art and the progress I’ve made so far combined with not being able to do the one thing everybody around me seemed to be able to do almost effortlessly and, well… it didn’t feel very good.

I believe this is what made me disappear. Honestly though, I’m not 100% sure—it could’ve been something else, and it feels weird to blame my sudden departure on something like my mental state, given that I don’t feel much different now, and I didn’t feel particularly different then. Just existing and getting by has been challenging for years.

But I feel like I might be ready to try drawing again sometime soon. I’ll probably expand my horizons a bit. Don’t get me wrong, dragons are fun and I won’t give up on those, but you’ll probably be seeing a bit more variation from me in the future. I might even give humans a go! Oh boy!

(Not yet though. But soon, hopefully.)

Lastly, I think I want to rebrand my online presence. I feel like I’ve changed quite a bit since I opted for this username, and it no longer feels like me. So, if you see a stranger on your dash, fear not! It’s probably me, trying out something new. I think that’s going to be my first move.

It’s a start. It’s more than I’ve had for over two years, and I might just give it a go. I hope to see you along the way!

[aita-blorbos]

this is from a fic i’m writing. the characters are canon, the situation is not.

warning: pregnancy, cheating

Aita for getting my girlfriend’s best friend pregnant?

This sounds absolutely terrible and I know that. I’ve been conflicted about it for months and it’s not like there’s anyone else I can tell so I decided to come here.

Some backstory. N (18f) and I (18m) have been dating since last summer. We broke up for a little bit and then got back together once we’d sorted everything out between us and we’ve been pretty happy with each other. Recently, N’s best friend H (18f) came back from college and started working at the farm that I work at. H has been dating R (18m) since last summer. R is an asshole. This isn’t me being biased or jealous or anything, this is just a fact. Everyone knows it. He’s a terrible person and he’s probably not a good boyfriend. He’s the type of guy that won’t let you have guy friends because he’s scared you’ll cheat or something.

Anyway. H and I have been working at this farm for a little while and I happened to notice one day that she’s got some muscle where she didn’t before (mostly her back and shoulders) and that I found it attractive. I didn’t do anything or say anything because we’re both seeing other people and (up until now) I wasn’t that kind of guy.

A mutual friend (D, 18m) had decided to host a reunion of sorts one day and N invited me along. I’m not really a party person but I went because I knew she wanted to go and so that I could drive her home if she got too drunk. I didn’t end up driving her home, but another friend (B, 18m) did. I stayed for a little bit longer and I was going to go home when H crashed into me. She’d clearly been drinking and I helped her into the kitchen to sit down and get her a glass of water and maybe some advil. We were the only two people in the kitchen and she kissed me. I didn’t know what to do. I’ll admit I wanted to kiss her back but by the time I recovered enough brainpower to do so, she’d already moved away. So I kissed her. We didn’t do anything beyond kissing. I took her home because her mom isn’t the best and I’d rather her stay with me than her mom. We didn’t do anything, just slept and I made coffee and toast the next morning and neither of us really said anything. She left relatively early and I got ready for work.

We avoided each other pretty much all day at work. And then we had to check the barn and make sure all the stalls were locked. It can be a one person job, but it’s easier with two because it just goes quicker. We finished checking the stalls (they were all locked) and once we were done she kissed me again. We started making out pretty quickly and we ended up in the bed up in the loft of the barn that night.

Both of us knew that being with each other was better and nicer and felt more right than being with our respective partners, but we also knew that cheating was wrong and if we wanted to continue this, we couldn’t get caught. I didn’t think much of it. We started meeting around town whenever we were both free, sometimes to hook up, sometimes just to talk and cuddle and pretend like this was normal. I’m not the type to fall in love very fast but I knew by the end of the first night that I had fallen for her.

She showed up at my house maybe a month later. Typically, she doesn’t come to my house, so I was a little nervous. We went to my room and she told me she was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do but I believed her. She wouldn’t lie about that. Not when the risk of us getting found out was so high already. We’ve been doing everything we can to make sure she’s healthy when the baby gets here and to make sure no one finds out that I’m actually the father. I’ve told her this before, but I don’t know what to do. If either of our partners find out, it won’t be pretty. I won’t leave her—I’m not letting her go back to R—but at some point we’re going to have to come clean. We haven’t told anyone but I know if we do, they’re just going to hate us.

Aita?

[disastardly]

WIP Wednesday

You know it, you love it! Original post here.

Here’s how it works:

In a reblog (or new post w/ rules attached), post up to five (5) filenames of your WIPs; not titles, file names.

Post a snippet from one of them. Snippet must be words you wrote in the last 7 days. We’re posting progress here. If you haven’t made any, go make some and come back to post!

After you’ve posted, people can send you an ask with one of your file names. You must then write 3 sentences in that file. If the filename is one you can’t share from (for example, an event fic), write 3 sentences on it anyway, and then 3 more on another to share.

That’s it! You can invite others to join in, or just post. If you tag me in your post, I will send you an ask request!

If you’re reading this, you’re invited!

If you see someone posting a WIP Wednesday Game snippet, send them an ask! Make them write.

File names:

1 - Emergence

0 - Tales of the Outer Planes

Kiss the Go-Goat (Eddie Crossroads Demon)

Steddie Witches AU

Til I Lose My Breath

Snippet from “1 - Emergence”

Maddie, head resting on his shoulder, was dead on her feet, overtaken by a bone-deep weariness that could’ve been his or hers, no telling anymore. Gently, he shook her, watched as those dark lashes batted open in fluttering bursts, and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Think you need to get to bed, chica,” he murmured.

She shook her head against his lips, breathed, “Don’t wanna leave you alone.” Chip, Xander, and Vida paused at the doorway, watching in a way that hung on Nick’s skin; he only met their eyes for a second before landing on Udonna’s.

“Can we…” He gestured upstairs, let the words hang. Was it weird now, now that she was his mom? She hadn’t said anything before, but that was an accident, and no one knew then what they knew now. Going home, asking Grace, that would be dubious at best - shit, he needed to text her, give her some excuse for not coming home last night - but Udonna was straight-up a parent, his parent, and this was her home. Did he have any right to ask?

“Of course,” she said without hesitation, without him even finishing the thought. Smile crinkling at the corners of her eyes, she added, “After all these years, I have you in my home, our home. Would that I could keep you here forever, close by my side, but I shall settle for one night.” She glanced to some high window and said, with a smile, “Or day, as it may be.”

He huffed a laugh, ducking his head in deference. “Appreciate it.”

---

No tags because I’m pretty sure most of my writeblr cohorts were already on the @eriquin tag list, haha

Hit me up! Make me write! Emergence is my current focus but I’ve got the wherewithal today to jam out on a couple of these, especially since #3-5 are at the “pretty loose idea” stage and #2 has at least one chapter *mostly* written, which is one step closer to my “have two chapters ready before you publish” goal on that fic.

[tabbyclaw]

A look forward

Another trip around the sun, another flip of the calendar. Another year gone by, and it's time to take a look back at it and see what you did. Last year around this time (well, all right, technically earlier this year, but shhh), I posted a recap of all the fic I posted in 2021, with a little bit of commentary on each one. I'm not gonna do that this year, because, well, you can take a look at my posting history and guess why. I participated in Mayura May and ran it into June, and... that's it. And I'm pleased with most of the stories I wrote for that (especially Blackened Lips, which was my favorite of the ideas that I had and it came out on the page pretty much exactly how I wanted it to go in my head), but they seem to have completely sucked up this year's supply of whatever magic it is that lets me grab hold of an idea and actually write and post it quickly. I've still been writing this whole time, I just haven't finished anything yet. It's all been long stories coming out of my head, or ones that are fighting me at every turn, or ones that get halfway written before I realize they need to simmer a little while longer. All of which I hope, with varying degrees of confidence, to actually finish and get into a presentable state eventually. And so, instead of looking back on this year and feeling like I should have accomplished more, it's time to look forward and talk about what I hope to accomplish in 2023. This isn't a road map, or a promise, or even a plan; this is me taking some of the ideas out of my head and putting them down on paper in a form where I can hype myself up for them and hopefully give the rest of you a teaser for what might be upcoming. I hope you're looking forward to seeing how it goes as much as I am.

First off, despite the fact that I just said nothing is set in stone I can tell you what the first thing you're going to be getting out of me is, because I'm going to be signing up for the Candy Hearts Exchange. It's this year's replacement for Chocolate Box, a short, low-minimum exchange focusing on relationships between characters, romantic or platonic, with a culture that encourages writing treats for multiple people, which I hope to be able to do. (And, yes, I will be posting a letter once I finalize my signups.) It's the first multifandom exchange I've done since 2009, and if it goes well maybe it won't be the last one I do this year, either.

That's the only thing with any kind of timeline attached to it, so my other thoughts are going to come in a scramble that's mostly organized by fandom and also by when I thought of it as I was writing this.

First off, the one that's been hanging over me: Yes, I am still working on editing the Gin and Bear It sequel. I don't know why it's fighting me this hard, but it turned out that a large chunk of the middle had to be rewritten from the ground up and now parts of it are back at square one. It will be finished, because I'm not going to go this far and stop just before the finish line, but it may still be a while. There is also the third fic in this series that I've hinted at, and that is also still happening. It's going to be a much smaller one, probably even shorter than the first one, and I've already been working on it between other projects. Those are the only two Oxventure thoughts that are really on my plate right now, but I can't promise I won't think of more down the line, and even though Oxventure in the Dark is a closed canon now that doesn't mean I might not still have some thoughts about that, too. So much worldbuilding in so little space, and so much still to be done with it both before and after the end.

Next up, and occupying a pretty large fraction of my writing brain at the moment, are some of my oldest friends. Yes, as I alluded to a couple months ago, that dormant but ever-present bit of me that's always ready to write Drakken/Shego has woken up in a big way lately. I've already got something relatively short mostly finished, a quiet little post-finale piece full of feelings and awkward moments, not to mention a few plants. That one's mostly done; it's one of the ones I mentioned earlier that just needs to simmer for a bit before the ending really comes together, and then I hope I'll have it polished and ready to share soon. But there's also at least one longer fic on the far horizon; I've already got an outline and the first few thousand words of setup (yeah, this is why editing takes me a while) down on the page. I don't want to say too much about that one, though, because it's a long way off and there are large parts of it that will benefit from being kept secret. Aside from those two, which are more concrete, there is a constant swirling in my head of other possible ideas that I've fleshed out far less and which are just waiting for their time. Maybe this will finally be the year of the competitive fake dating duology, because these two need to be tormented by both their families as well as each other, or maybe it will be time for something else entirely. (I saw the idea @souljellied mentioned about a body swap for these two, and while I'm not going to step on your toes it definitely gave me some thoughts!)

On the topic of other evil power couples, I have no particular thoughts at the moment about Miraculous Ladybug, at least none that are solid enough to make any commentary about at the moment. The ongoing shakeups of season 5 (I still haven't seen it but this is the internet and spoilers are inevitable) have a lot of potential, though, and there have been a lot of rumblings in my head of "You could do something with that, for sure." It's just a matter of seeing which ones, if any, come to fruition. Watch this space, as always, and ideally there will be something in it later.

But those are just the sandboxes I've been playing in the most frequently as of late, and the ones I figure people will expect me to have something to say about (and the ones I expect myself to have something to say about, come to that.) It's by no means an exhaustive list of the things I might end up chewing on, whether new or old. Willow and Steel still lives in that strange netherworld in my head of 'things I don't know if I'm done with yet,' and there's the start of a 'Roxanne gets Metro Man's superpowers instead' AU that's been on the back burner for a good long while now that I've been wanting to get back to. To say nothing of the various original fiction ideas that are always lurking, and which might or might not see the light of day here even if they do start to come to life, because if I come up with something that feels like it could be marketable I will absolutely try to sell it just to have had the experience of doing so. And of course this is just what I'm thinking about right now, before the year has even started, and who knows what other ideas are going to catch my eye, and what other fandoms will creep up on me from out of the woodwork. It's always an adventure trying to figure out where the hell I'm going, especially for me.

It's a new year, or it will be soon enough. Let's see where it's gonna take me.

[lucy90712]

Jorge Martin- Hide it

These past few weeks have been horrific as I've been so sick to the point that when I can barely keep any food down which has made me very weak and feeling even more ill. It has been truly awful and I'm still not feeling any better even after being ill for over two weeks but the only plus is that Jorge has been great at taking care of me and I've probably seen more of him in the last few weeks than I had in the few months before that. After feeling the way I've done for so long I have kind of figured out what is wrong with me but I'm too scared to actually do anything to confirm it at least until Jorge is back as he's been away at a race this weekend. In fact all I've been thinking about while he was away was what is going to happen if my suspicions are right.

I was quickly brought out of my thoughts when the front door opened and Jorge came in running straight over to check on me like he has been doing every time he has to leave the house. This time I wasn't quite so happy to see him as it meant I had to face reality and just do the test I've been dreading doing. Without saying any words I got up and dragged him to the bathroom where I had the test ready and luckily he instantly understood what I was worried about so he hugged me, whispered that everything would be ok in my ear and left the bathroom to allow me to do the test. I did the test and put it on the counter before going over to Jorge and cuddling with him to hopefully calm my nerves about all of this.

Jorge and I have talked about having kids before but never seriously as we both have other things we want to focus on like our careers so knowing I could be pregnant is scary because I don't know how Jorge will react. I would like to think that Jorge wouldn't leave me if I was pregnant but I can't help but worry about it. Also the thought of having to deal with being pregnant and the fans and media is quite nerve wracking as even though Jorge and I have been together a few years I still see hate comments about us being together so I can only imagine how people would be if I was pregnant. The timer I had set went off before I knew it making me jump but I was too scared to go and look so Jorge went and grabbed the test. He came back with a huge smile on his face and I wasn't sure if that meant that I was or wasn't pregnant but I soon got my answers when he handed me the test and it had two lines on it.

"We're going to have our own little family love isn't this so exciting" he said shocking me that he was actually excited and glad because I was also looking forward to taking this next step in our relationship

"Yeah it is but are you sure this is what you want because you don't have to lie to me" I said wanting to be sure he really wanted this like I did

"Of course it is I've been thinking about starting our own family for a while now but I just haven't brought it up because I wasn't sure if you were ready but we can do this and we don't have to tell anyone until you want to" he assured me which made me feel a lot better about everything

We sat and talked for a bit longer about how we would deal with all of this and it was decided that we would tell our close family right away but everyone else we didn't want to tell just yet as the more people that knew the more likely it was to get leaked. Neither of us wanted to tell the media and fans until we absolutely had to because we wanted this to be private between us for as long as possible and Jorge was in agreement that we didn't need any negative attention right at the start of this. One other thing we agreed on was that I would go to every race with him as I mostly work from home so it wouldn't be too hard for me to still get work done and Jorge wanted me to be with him so that he could take care of me and not miss any exciting moments. I was more than happy to go to all the races as it means we get to spend more time together and I get to watch Jorge race which I always love doing.

~~~~~~~~~~

Since finding out that I was pregnant I have been to 2 races with Jorge and this weekend there is another one, so far we have done well at hiding the pregnancy but these last few weeks that we have been at home my morning sickness that is never just in the mornings has gotten a lot worse. Before I has been able to kind of control it and no one seems to have noticed when I run off to Jorge's motorhome in the middle of sessions but I don't think I can hide it anymore as the sickness has just been sneaking up on me whenever it feels like it in these last few weeks which make it a lot more obvious. Hence why I'm a little nervous as the only people that know are mine and Jorge's immediate family and I'm worried how people will react as I don't want anyone to treat me any different or for anything to be said to the media.

Luckily for us this race is only a few hours drive away so we didn't need to fly which is great as I don't know if I would survive a flight feeling this sick and driving means we can stop whenever we need to. As much as driving isn't fun either it was so much better than flying as I was able to sleep for a little while which killed a lot of time and for the rest of it Jorge kept a hand on my knee checking in every so often to make sure I was ok and making sure I drank enough water. I used to love going on drives with Jorge whether it be to races or just for fun like we did over lockdown but now its like hell having to get in a moving vehicle for more than like 10 minutes.

Despite everything Jorge did the drive still felt like forever even though it was just a few hours but eventually we arrived at the track and a sudden wave of nausea came over me just as Jorge parked the car so instead of greeting the team like we would usually do I ran straight to his motorhome and into the bathroom. Typically on my way I saw a few team members who tried to say hi but I simply ran past them without saying anything because I couldn't without throwing up all over them which I didn't think anyone would appreciate. It wasn't long before Jorge came into the bathroom and sat behind me rubbing my back and holding my hair back while whispering some comforting words which is his way of trying to help which is very sweet although it doesn't make much of a difference.

Once I felt better we stayed in the motorhome for a bit so that I could make sure I was alright before we went to go and say hello to the team and hope that none of them would bring up my earlier antics. However right away I could tell that people were looking at me funny and the team members I saw asked if I was ok so I had to lie and say I was just a bit ill which is somewhat true but not in the sense I was trying to portray it. If things couldn't get any worse I started to feel pretty awful again just as the team boss came in and started a conversation with everyone which meant I wasn't able to leave without making it incredibly obvious. To make it through what felt like the longest conversation in the world I grabbed Jorge's hand and squeezed it so that he knew how I was feeling which meant he applied a bit of pressure to the back of my hand in the pressure pint that is supposed to help relieve nausea and has worked for me on occasion. Luckily this worked well and we stayed with the team for a bit longer before making up an excuse to leave and head back to the motorhome where I just laid on the bed for the rest of the day.

~~~~~~~~~~

Throughout this weekend I have really struggled to hide the fact that I'm feeling so sick to the point that multiple team members have asked if I'm alright and every time I have to lie which is really hard as I can see in their faces they don't believe what I'm saying but they don't want to question me. Jorge has told me that I can just stay in the motorhome while he's on track but I like to be in the garage to support him and can't bare the thought of not watching him when I'm at the track so I've been suffering through. Each day has been so long that I can't believe it's only Saturday and I still have two more days of this before we can go home for a few days before doing it all again.

This morning I was feeling so awful that I had to stay in bed during fp3 but I managed to watch the action on my laptop so I could see how Jorge was doing but all I really wanted was to be in the garage. When it got to the lunch break I was determined to get up and watch the rest of the action for the day so I made myself get up and head to the hospitality to meet Jorge and the team for lunch. The second I walked in he was surprised to see me but ran over to give me a hug and check I was doing ok before pulling out a chair for me next to him which is something he always used to do even before I was pregnant but since we found out he had been extra caring and done everything he can for me. We caught up for a few minutes before I started to smell the food that was being made which to start with didn't bother me but when the smell started to change it started making me feel really sick. I tried to just ignore the smell but it got stronger and stronger which meant that my sickness got worse to the point that I had to run off and to the nearest bathroom.

Once I had run off it wasn't long before Jorge came in doing all the usual things he does to help me as well as giving me some water to help me rehydrate and hopefully settle my stomach a little although that never works. The next thing that crossed my mind was how we were probably going to have to finally tell the team our news because let's be honest they were not going to believe whatever lie we can come up with to explain me running out the room for absolutely no reason. I could tell Jorge was thinking the same as he looked at me with that look that means we have something we need to figure out and if anytime was the time for the look it was now.

"I assume you know what I'm thinking" he said

"Yeah I think we finally need to tell them at this point it's more work to hide it than it would be just to tell them" I said

"I know you wanted to keep things secret but if we make sure everyone knows that this is not to get out it will be fine I promise" Jorge reassured me

With that he helped me up and we went back to the entire team who of course asked questions making sure I was ok and checking if I needed anything. Everyone was really sweet and like always and concerned in making sure there wasn't anything  they could do to help because even though I'm not part of the team they are always very caring towards me and anyone else that visits at a race. As much as I know they would all be so excited I was way too nervous to say the words so I left it up to Jorge who was a lot more direct than I expected as he just told the team that I was pregnant and that was it. This took them by surprise so I jumped in and explained how far along I was and that this was the reason I had been so ill at all of the last races which is when they started to understand what was going on and everyone got up to congratulate us. Once everyone had congratulated us Jorge explained that we wanted this kept a secret for as long as possible which they all understood and they agreed that nothing would be mentioned where anyone else could hear which was all the reassurance I needed to finally feel a bit more comfortable being at races.

~~~~~~~~~~

Since Jorge and I told the team about the pregnancy life got a lot easier for a while as they were able to help us hide things and they were able to offer support when I was feeling extra sick which had been a blessing as when Jorge isn't around someone has always been there to get me anything I need. Everyone has also very strictly stuck to the rule of not mentioning anything where it could be heard so the only time I'm asked about how I'm doing or whatever else is in the back of the garage where no cameras are allowed or in the hospitality when no one else is around. The only problem we have now is that my bump is getting a lot bigger making it much harder to hide without looking like I'm purposely trying to hide something. At the last few races I have been wearing Jorge's hoodies which work fine but it's starting to get warmer and it's uncomfortable to have them on as I get too hot but I can't take them off or else the bump will be on full display.

It is getting to the point that there are rumours going around and I have seen a few articles about it as well which makes races a little more stressful as I'm always trying to avoid cameras as not to get caught at an angle that makes me look incredibly pregnant. I have found myself checking both mine and Jorge's tagged photos on Instagram to make sure no one has got a picture of me where you can see my bump as it is big enough that it can't be hidden from all angles. Jorge has also told me that he has been asked about it a few times in interviews which to me just means that people know but seeing as we haven't said anything they can't confirm it. The main reason we have kept it a secret is because we wanted to have as much privacy as possible as we usually keep our relationship pretty private so we wanted the same during the pregnancy. Now however I just want to get the announcement over with so that I can enjoy being at races without having to hide myself away and can wear anything other than Jorge's clothes.

As usual I was woken up early because of the uncomfortableness of sleeping while pregnant especially without my pregnancy pillow that I have at home but is too big to bring to races with us. I have gotten so used to waking up early that I used my extra time before Jorge woke up to do some work on my laptop and get pretty much everything I needed to done before the alarm started going off which I thought was pretty good going. When Jorge woke up he rolled over put my laptop aside before smothering me in kisses while putting his arms around me to hold me as close to him as physically possible. We cuddled for a few more minutes before the alarm went off again telling us that we really needed to get up so Jorge got up and ran round pulling me up from my position which was a great help as otherwise I would have spent a good 10 minutes trying to get myself up. Once he had helped me up I opened the curtains to see that it was already incredibly sunny and warm outside which made the thought of having to wear a hoodie even worse. In that moment I decided that I was ready to just tell the world that we were expecting.

"Jorge can we just announce it I don't think I can bare to wear a hoodie in this weather plus people are already suspicious" I said

"If you are ready and you are sure you want to then of course we can but how are we going to do it?" He asked

"I was thinking that we wouldn't do anything just turn up and let the media do it for us until later then we can put out posts" I said

"I like that idea but we should probably tell all the other riders first so they don't find out with everyone else or they may be mad at me" he laughed

I agreed with him and we planned to take a picture to send to the group chat with all the riders in but first I got ready putting on a more fitted outfit that really showed off my bump and made me realise just how big it has gotten over the last few months but especially the last few weeks. When doing my hair I saw myself in the full length mirror and just took a minute to stare and admire the bump which I haven't done enough of so far because I'm always trying to hide it but now I want to take the time to admire what my body is doing. It wasn't long before Jorge joined me and put his arms around me and onto my bump whispering so many compliments in my ear to make me feel good as he knows that I have been a little insecure at times over how quickly my body has changed. After a while of just staring at each other through the mirror I grabbed Jorge's phone and gave it to him to take a picture of us which I thought he would do just in front of the mirror but no he dragged me to the big window in the room and setting his phone up and took a load of pictures that turned out really nice. He gave me the final say on which picture we sent so I picked the one and together we pressed the send button meaning there was no going back.

In a matter of minutes Jorge's phone was blowing up with messages from all the boys and so was mine with messages from some of the riders wives and girlfriends that I've got to know well over time. Everyone seemed really excited and happy for us which was a relief as I was a little worried about what everyone would think even though deep down I know that there is no reason for them not to support us I just couldn't help but worry. Reading all the messages really put a smile on my face and made me a little less nervous about having to walk through the paddock with the bump on full display for the first time but that being said I was still so scared about what the reaction from fans and everyone else would be. As much as I really wanted to finally announce things I still can't get past the thought of people being judgemental and saying we are too young or any other thing they can find to judge us for.

Before I knew it the drive to the circuit was over and the time had come for everyone to know about mine and Jorge's little secret that isn't so little anymore. Just as I was bracing myself to get out the car Jorge grabbed my hand and gave me some words of encouragement and told me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because we are super excited and thats all that matters which made me feel a little better. With that he got out and ran round the car to open my door and help me get out as I'm at the stage of pregnancy where moving is hard because the bump gets in the way. His hand grabbed mine and we walked towards the entrance to the paddock where a few people congratulated us even the security guard that checked our passes which made me smile. Once in the paddock of course photographers scrambled to take pictures of us which I expected but it surprised me just how many pictures were taken and how many people followed us through the paddock trying to ask questions.

Along the way to hospitality we ignored all the questions and only stopped to talk to some of the other guys on the grid who we saw along the way who were all so nice and some of the other who have kids gave us some advice which was really useful as the both of us are quite clueless as to what things will be like and have been winging it so far. It took a long time to make it to hospitality like a ridiculously long time but when we eventually got there the team were greeted us and made us follow them through to the big conference room in the building which I thought was weird as I don't think I've ever been in that room but I followed them anyway. Everything made so much more sense when the doors opened and the team had set up a mini baby shower for us which was so sweet of them and almost made me cry because of the hormones but I held it together and just thanked them all instead.

Not a whole lot of work was done for a few hours as the entire team and some of the other riders on the grid were there but it was well worth it as both Jorge and I enjoyed it a lot as we got to finally talk openly about the thing we have been so excited about for these last few months. Everyone was so nice as well and offered to help us in any way possible now and once the baby arrives which was nice of them as I think we are going to need all the help we can get especially during race weekends. The team had also brought us a few things like onesies and other baby clothes some of which were just normal baby clothes and the others had the team logo and things on them which were so cute. Looking at them made it really sink in that in just a few short months the baby would be here and wearing those clothes which was both an exciting and scary thought.

The rest of the day was brilliant and I enjoyed every second of it to the point that I completely for got about what the media would be saying but when we got back to the hotel in remembered straight away so grabbed my phone to check. To my surprise everything I saw on social media and elsewhere was really positive which was a huge relief as it meant that people didn't think we had made a mistake or were judging us on our decision. However it was time for me and Jorge to put out our own posts which we did by picking old pictures we had and writing simple captions then simply clicking the post button. Once that was done I put my phone down and just got in bed to cuddle with Jorge not worrying about what other people were saying as I had all I needed to be happy in this bed with me. In bed is where Jorge and I stayed for the rest of the evening until we both fell asleep with my head on his chest and his arms around me and his hand resting on my bump just like he does every night.

[the-duckless-pond]

TW talk of self harm/ pet illness/ general diary vent

Today has been hard. These last few days have been really hard. After my meltdown I deleted all my messages and waited a week to see if anyone would text me unprompted. My mom did. That’s it.

So, I talked in therapy about other things and did some background processing on the friend dilemma and realized that my love for my bff overshadows my hurt and worked on texting her for a few days. I finally did today and it was scary but I think it worked out? She texted back and said that she saw my posts and apologized and sent her well wishes for Boo and that was really meaningful and truly all I wanted to hear from anyone. I stopped being upset at her over the weekend, but wanted to take a few more days to calm down just in case and I think that was the right call. I’m okay with being back to status quo and will continue to text her and hope that she texts me back but work on being okay if she doesn’t because I know she is having a hard time too.

My other friends are not getting off so easily, mostly because I don’t have the same bond with them or the length of history or the status quo of something like them not responding happening before. So sucks to suck I only have one friend now. Maybe two if we count Kimberly, since she and I hang out once a month and talk about a lot of different stuff but we don’t text so it’s not the same. But Kimberly struggles with texting and I’ve known that from the start so she gets a pass and I just don’t text her.

The friend in the deepest shit is JD. I am majorly pissed at him, to the point that it got so bad that I blocked him for a few hours. I unblocked him in case he decided to talk to me but that hasn’t happened yet. As of now, our last conversation is a blatant cry for support from me and a response from him of a bunch of photos saying look what I did today. And absolute radio silence on my cry for help and support. Like I straight up asked and explained what was going on and he just ignored it. It’s been days since that happened and he hasn’t bothered to text me once. It really, really hurts. That felt like the most blatant abandonment imo. Just plain ignoring what I am saying. That fucking sucked and I hurt myself about it. Chicken scratches again because I’m a weenie and it’s all so new after so long but that did kind of help the emotional pain go away so I got a respite from that.

None of my other friends have even bothered to respond or reach out or anything. And honestly? I’m so tired of it. So I give up. I have one (maybe two) friends now and that’s it. And I don’t see myself making a new friend any time soon since my trust has been so broken by most everyone. So I guess it’s me and my cats and texting my bff about my day against the world. That sounds pretty lonely, right? It kind of is. Not always. I’ve been living like that for about a week now and it’s not always lonely and bad. Sometimes the apartment gets too quiet and my phone gets too quiet and my brain gets too loud but then I put on a podcast or a TV show and it goes away and I feel better. Sometimes I take a nap and I wake up feeling better. Recently I’ve just been throwing myself into my schoolwork and that has made it less bad. So I’ve got things to do to cope. Probably not what my therapist would recommend, but I haven’t told him about any of this yet because I’m not ready to cry in front of him so I’m keeping it inside and dealing with it myself. Super not ready yet. Like I’m crying just writing about it.

He also doesn’t know that I started smoking (temporarily ?) or hurting myself again. I almost told him yesterday that I was smoking again but I didn’t at the last second and changed the topic. I’m definitely not going to tell him that I’m hurting myself again. I don’t trust him enough yet.

Maybe if I told my friends I was hurting myself again they would talk to me. But probably not. So I’m not going to risk it. How do I even refer to them now? It’s hard to stop thinking of them as my friends but what even are they? They all abandoned me in my time of extreme need with Boo getting sick and my breakdown. Okay, to be fair, I’m not advertising that I’ve had a breakdown. So I guess I can’t hold that one against them. But regardless, everyone knows how much Boo means to me and how upsetting this is for me. I plainly stated it. And I got nothing from them in response. So what are we now? Former friends? Acquaintances? Strangers? I don’t know. I don’t know that I care to define it to be honest. I’m very upset still.

I’ve been fighting the urge to self harm all day so far. It’s been coming and going in waves. I’ve been tiding myself over by smoking when it gets super strong, and so far that’s been working, but it’s getting old. And also I have to go for a little drive every time I want to smoke and that is annoying. I did have one about thirty minutes ago after class when I had planned on hurting myself the entire period and that seemed to help, but now that I’m writing all this out the urge is back and pretty strong.

I know I said I’d keep the self harm talk off this blog, but I don’t think any of my followers actually read these besides my bff sometimes so like… what’s the point of putting it somewhere else? No one saw it on my mental illness blog. No one sees it here for the most part. Just like me in real life. I feel very invisible.

Gah. Crying again. I’m having emotions now that I’m taking a half dose of my antipsychotic. Either that or the feelings are so strong that they are breaking through the barrier of the numbness. I’m not sure. One or the other.

I’m not supposed to be taking a half dose. I don’t want to take it at all so this is my compromise. I’ll keep taking a half dose and I’ll see my psychiatrist in October and can make it official then. Maybe. If I am brave enough to bring it up. I might not and just keep doing what I’m doing, but then she’d probably catch on to how often I’m refilling it. So. I’ll probably have to tell her. Well, not tell her. But say I want to be on a half dose. In general I don’t think I need it.

My therapist always talks about getting me out into the world and doing things with people. I don’t think he understands that I don’t trust people anymore. He always asks me if I’ve met my neighbors. I’ve told him that I don’t want to because I have had bad experiences with neighbors. He still says it would be nice for me to talk to people. I haven’t told him about the Great Ignoring yet but I’m sure if I did he would probably encourage me to find a way to make new friends.

Sigh.

But I don’t want new friends. I like my old friends. I thought they liked me too. I thought things were fine and good. But they were not and now no one talks to me and I am breaking apart because I am so lonely and it’s all really hard and I hate it

But like also I just plain give up. I worked really hard to make friends and it was scary and exhausting and hard and I did it and found good people or so I thought. And things were good for like 5 years straight. A solid 5 year run. And then it all fell apart with Boo getting sick and now I am alone.

I’m pretty afraid of making these posts, to be honest. Even this feels too vulnerable. But I need someone to talk to. So, diary, you are it.

On a happier note, Boo just got up and came over to cuddle. She has been pretty active today all things considered. I don’t know if I mentioned it but she has a UTI that was diagnosed last week and has been on antibiotics for about 9 days now. I lost track of exactly how many but she gets her last dose tonight so it must have been 9. I don’t know, it’s all just been a stressful blur. She is purring and kneading at my shirt now and perched on the couch armrest and seems awake and alert. I’m hoping she will sit down in my lap soon. That would be very nice.

She seems to be getting better these past few days. As far as I can tell she hasn’t gone outside the litter box again, and she hasn’t sounded as if she is in pain urinating or anything. She has been nauseous though. Mostly in the mornings but she had a bad episode during therapy yesterday that really wore her out so she spent the rest of the day and the following night in her tower and only came down once to eat (wet food with medicine mixed in). Poor girl must be exhausted. I know I am, and we’ve only been dealing with this for just a little bit.

My support group says it gets better over time as you develop a schedule and the cat learns how to take medicine and one day fluids. I hope that’s true. Right now everything is just in crisis mode for us it feels like.

That being said, she has been much more active these past few days minus yesterday evening. Coming down from her tower to spend time with me, sometimes sleeping in bed at night, often sitting and looking out the window. It’s been a breath of fresh air. Tonight is her very last dose of antibiotics, at least until we see the vet next week, and I bet she will be pleased to go back to normal. Well, the new normal. It’s difficult and stressful and we are taking it day by day. She has spent more nights in bed with me than not and I am considering that a win.

Other things I am considering include ordering bubble tea and cake. I could also make muffins, which might satisfy that craving. I guess it is starting to get dark and no one can ever find my apartment so it might be hard on the delivery person if I order now. But I want something sweet because I am depressed tonight.

Hm.

How about this. I’ll order the boba and cake and maybe some cookies too, and then I won’t hurt myself tonight because I will have gotten something nice. That sounds like a fair exchange to me. I don’t have the energy to deal with lost delivery drivers so I will just ignore it and hope it arrives. I am usually much better about it but I don’t have the energy tonight.

Hold on. Brb.

No. I spent ten minutes staring at the order. I can’t justify it. Not so late at night. Maybe I could justify an insomnia cookies order since they usually work late into the night, but I don’t feel like a good enough person to deserve bubble tea or the cake or the cannoli. It all sounded wonderful but I think I’m a bad person and don’t deserve high quality desserts.

Hm. I guess I could make muffins. Although now I’ve planted the idea for insomnia cookies in my head. I’ll check out their menu I guess. I won’t make the same not hurting myself promise because it’s not as special, but I will say that I will be safe about it I guess.

And I can’t even bring myself to open up their site. I could make muffins, but then I have to be up late waiting for the oven to cool down before I can go to bed. And I don’t have any quick sweet snacks. I might have mini fig bars. I guess that is worth a look.

I’ll probably end up ordering the cookies and just feeling bad about inconveniencing someone and hurt myself, but I had a really rough day and just want something nice.

Update, I ordered a 6 pack of cookies and a pint of ice cream. That sounded nice. I don’t feel too bad about asking them to come out late at night because their name is Insomnia Cookies so like… it’s basically what they do.

I still didn’t deserve it though. I’ll deal with that feeling later. For now, I have to decide what to do with the rest of my evening. I’ve stopped crying now so that’s good. Chances of self harm are getting lower now that I’ve stopped. We will see how bad I feel about the cookies I guess.

I guess I’ll end it here for now. Never did talk about my day and why it was so rough. But my phone is dying so. Oh well. I’ll just keep it inside me. What else is new.

Boo just came to join me and I think she might sit down now. So that’s a positive note to end on.

Maybe more later.