#i haven't seen anyone apart from my family really for weeks

[aretrothing]

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[alchemistc]

There's been something about the woobification of Buck that's been sitting on the tip of my tongue for weeks now, and I think I've finally figured it out.

This is, of course, mostly in reference to the moral outrage about a decade-ish (give or take) age gap between two adult men and the infantalization of one said grown man, so all the puritanism isn't really coming from a place of good faith anyway, but here's the thing that's been bugging me that I couldn't quite put a finger on until now.

Buck has people he goes to for certain things. He has, what are in his mind, experts in the field for most of the things he can't think through on his own, that he goes to for a sounding board.

He went to Hen to talk through the sperm donor dilemma for a few reasons that made sense to him. 1) She's a mom. She has very much had to deal with the reality of 'giving up' children she considered her own. Buck is aware that he would be giving up something that could mean something to him, and he wants to talk to someone who has some insight into that. 2) She's dealt with IVF. She knows the risks, she knows the trials and tribulations, she knows about this thing that he is thinking about agreeing to be a part of so she's going to have a fuller grasp on the enormity of everything this process entails.

And they drink about it. Hen gives him what she can and cautions him where she thinks she should and they continue to talk about it and regardless of what SHE thinks, he makes his mind up in part because he got to talk to his Expert.

Bobby is often his go to when he feels like he's losing his grip on things. He's seen Bobby staring down the bottom of the bottle. He's seen the work he's done to pull himself back into the world, and he's seen the way he fights for his family, his people. Buck leans on him in times of questioning himself because he knows Bobby has pulled himself off the ledge with bleeding hands and a bleeding heart.

He reaches out to Maddie about interpersonal shit constantly. We see it all the way back in S2 when he's starting to question what the hell he's still doing in Abby's apartment, and that never really changes. She's the one with advice for him when he's angry with his parents, upset with the firefam, worried about his friends, or just generally concerned with the way he's perceived by people or how he perceives the world. He goes to her when he's embarrassed, ashamed, because he knows she won't judge him for it. She'll call him out, for sure, but she's not going to look at him differently when she knows he's done something he considers bad behavior.

When he goes to her during the Tommy arc, he's there for one reason he'll admit, and another she has to ferret out. 1) He lied to his best friend and he doesn't know why. 2) Oh yeah he went on a date with a dude that's not strange WHY IS THAT STRANGE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN ALLY PLEASE DON'T PULL BACK THE CURTAIN - and Maddie is there with two things: 1) It's not weird but it IS new and something you clearly haven't worked through all the way which is why 2) you'll tell Eddie when you're ready

And Eddie is sort of his go-to to bounce ideas off of. Eddie is his Buck expert. Eddie is the guy who can sort through all the bullshit and who sees Buck for exactly who he is, every time, regardless of what Buck himself is thinking. Eddie is his best friend, and he knows the good the bad and the ugly better than anyone else. He is also, quite frankly, the one Buck seeks out to help him contextualize all of his romantic feelings for people. Eddie's the guy he talks to when he's interested in someone, when he's falling for someone, he's the guy through which Buck filters his love interests into the firefam. I do the same shit with my best friend. It's instinct to want the person you consider the expert on you to meet the person you are interested in, it's instinct to want them to like each other, to get along. Buck knows Eddie loves him (in whatever way you see that love, Buck knows Eddie loves him) and he wants this person who loves him to be at least an active listener as he talks himself through the minefield of relationships. I do also think that up until the events of season seven, Buck considers Eddie sort of an expert on that traditional love-marriage-kids-white-picket-fence relationship Buck thinks he's striving for - in a very naive way, because obviously the wasn't what Eddie and Shannon had and Buck knows that, but he's probably fed some of Eddie's rose colored reminiscences back into that notion.

When he comes out to Eddie he's got two worries. 1) I lied to you and I figured out why but I'm still a little worried you think it's weird and 2) I screwed it up with someone I really like and I don't know where to go from here.

And Eddie (Buck expert) reassures him that just because it's new and unexpected doesn't make it strange, that it doesn't change anything in their friendship. And then he gets right to the heart of it - if you like him you should reach out and tell him that. He doesn't know you like we do but if you give him the chance to, he'll love you as much as we do. If he doesn't give it the same shot you want to he's the idiot.

With all that context in mind, Buck isn't seeking out Tommy's attention because he wants an authority figure, or someone to take care of him, someone to guide him through sex or love or relationship dynamics or any of the other random shit I've seen ppl infantalizing Buck about.

What he's looking for, and what he ultimately tells Tommy he'd like to pursue, is a partnership. Someone to walk (or more likely for Buck, speedrun) through experiences together. The Athena to his Bobby, the Chim to his Maddie, the Karen to his Hen.

So every time I see someone infantalizing Buck for seeking out a relationship with an older man for X or Y reason, I'm just like - no. He has Bobby, Hen, Maddie, Eddie, Chim etc for that. He doesn't want or need Tommy for that. He is a grown ass man who has built these strong relationships with his peers and his mentors and he is so fucking aware of that because he reaches for their help any time he feels the urge for a helping hand.

So yeah, Tommy's older. Yes, Tommy has more experience with his sexuality than Buck. And that - that's really it. Buck's been in the same career for more than half a decade. He's lived on his own since he was no older than 19/20. He's had serious relationships, he has a rich and fulfilling life. There is no power imbalance in the relationship between Buck and Tommy.

And while the age gap may be a bit of a draw for Buck, it's not WHY he's attracted to Tommy. We know because he's told Maddie. He's cool. He's interesting. He's confident. He has a cleft.

Buck isn't going into this waiting for someone older and more experienced to take the fucking reins. He felt like he clicked with Tommy, like there was an immediate connection, and yes, Tommy had to kiss him about it for Buck to actually figure out what it was he was experiencing, but from that point on it was all on Buck (and the people he leans on for advice) to help him sort through.

Tommy didn't do shit other than pump the brakes and try to give Buck the space he thought he needed to decide what he was ready for. Buck (again, with the help of his experts - Maddie for the emotional piece of it, Eddie for the Buck of it all) did the work on his own. Tommy didn't swoop in and overbearingly hold his hand through a sexual awakening. He kissed him, asked him out, realized he wasn't ready, stepped back and then checked in multiple times when Buck came back at it going 120 miles an hour.

And then he did everything he could to prove to Buck he wanted the same thing - a partner, someone to talk to, and lean on, and flirt with and rely on to show up whenever they could feasibly manage it (and sometimes when it's a little unfeasible too).

The narrative even acknowledges that Buck had no reason to go to Bobby in this scenario, when he often would, and lays out exactly why.

Within the canon of this particular arc, we're meant to see this as Buck realizing he has the experience necessary to think these things through on his own. This is Buck finally taking control of something that's always felt like it fell into his lap a bit. This is Buck doing more than treading water until his legs give out.

And minimizing that growth bc you personally don't like the LI he's pursuing is gross at best. At worst it's something much more insidious.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For taking down my cousin's pride flag?

So my cousin is the most no-nonsense person Ive ever met. He (M28) is very serious, and takes everything really really seriously, but he's still a joy to be around. He's super smart, and the whole family adores him, he's kind of the golden child in our family, though theres zero resentment from the rest of us.

My whole life, he's been this pillar of the "perfect kid" and although he's nice, since he's moved away, no one has been to his apartment or really seen him outside of family celebrations, dinners, weddings, etc.

Last week, he was in a car accident. (another car T boned him) and he was put in an induced coma in the hospital. He's coming out of it now, expected to make a full recovery, but is still expected to stay at the hospital for a while. My aunt, his mother (F72) asked me and other cousins to go over to his house and collect items he might need. Clothes, books, etc. She took the keys out of his clothes and have them to us, all while my cousin was still out of it.

When we got there, I opened the door to a MASSIVE Gay leather pride flag.

First thing on the wall. When we went into the apartment there was BDSM equipment, gay pride decorations everywhere, and other graphic things that made it clear my cousin is, A, gay, and B, firmly in the kink community. I don't want to get too much into it, but there were certain Polaroid pictures stapled to the bathroom wall that left little doubt.

All of us were needless to say, a little horrified.

To be clear, I am queer, and a MAJORITY of our cousins are as well. None of us had any inclination he is gay, and its clear no one else in the family knows. This was the first time anyone had been in his apartment.

We took a vote, and as the oldest one there I made the decision to hide everything. I took the flag down, I (carefully) put as much of the items that were an indication away in a box and hid them. It was a pretty extensive clean out, but I moved books and other things around on the walls to make it look a little less bare. An hour after that more family showed up at the apartment to help, people like our grandmother, more aunts and uncles and my parents, all of them cleaning or doing dishes or putting food in the fridge to help my cousin's recovery.

A few of the cousins that were there when we first found the stuff have said that I shouldnt have messed with any of it, that the pride flag was on the wall BECAUSE my cousin was happy about his identity. I argued that my cousin hadn't told any of us, isn't out to the family as far as Im aware, and I wanted to protect him in case he wasn't ready.

Further clarification, no one in the family is OUTWARDLY homophobic, but I'm still not out to a majority of my family either, and if i was in my cousin's place, Id want someone to hide my stuff for me.

My cousin still hasn't been released from the hospital, and I haven't found time alone with him to tell him that I moved some stuff in his apartment. When I handed back his keys he looked a little panicked, and I tried to look reassuring.

Im having second thoughts about whether what I did was good, or if I'm projecting my own fear about coming out to family on him. Am I the asshole?

[agirlwithdemonblood]

The Celebrity Next Door: Chapter 5 - Crossroads of Feelings

Pairings: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Chapter Summary: A little drinking and bonding has never hurt anyone right... Right?

Series Masterlist here!! & Main masterlist here!

It's been two weeks since I went to Jensen's for coffee, and since then, we've been growing closer. We meet up every few days for coffee and casual conversations about anything and everything, and the chemistry was defiantly building, with long gazes and subtle touches every so often, it felt like a slow burn.

I often spot Jensen walking down the street with his kids, and when he sees me, he waves, and I wave back. It was nice seeing him out and about, looking lighter and happier than when I first met him. It's all very neighbourly. Katie, his daughter, sometimes stops by when I'm checking the mail just to say hello. These small interactions have become a regular part of my routine.

But over the past few days, I've noticed less of Jensen. He'd wave when he saw me outside, but once he was back indoors, it felt like he vanished.

Well, not from my mind. Thoughts of him seemed to occupy my every moment, replaying his words and the way he said my name. It was frustrating because I found myself missing him. I didn't like being home without his presence nearby.

I started lingering longer at the office, arriving at 7:00 am and leaving at 6:00 pm. Even at home, I fought to keep myself busy with calls and contracts, trying to distract myself, to not depend on him, but nothing seemed enough.

I hated the affect he had on me already.

Today flew by faster than I wanted, and before I knew it, I was driving back to my quiet house as I did every evening. As much as I was starting to love my new life in LA, I missed having friends. I missed having people to talk to, to laugh with. Making friends here felt near impossible to me, and I didn't know where to begin.

Pulling into the driveway, I froze when I saw Jensen sitting on my porch, a bottle of wine in hand. What a nice surprise.

I smiled and stepped out of my car, making my way towards him. When he saw me, he stood up and greeted me warmly. "Y/N.. Any chance you'd like to have a drink?"

I laughed and nodded, moving to unlock my door and invite him inside. He looked around the house with genuine interest, as if he's never seen a house before, which warmed my heart.

"Wow, this place is beautiful." he commented.

I chuckled and shook my head at his compliment. "Jensen, you don't have to be polite. Compared to your house, this is just an apartment."

He shrugged with a smile. "Maybe, but mine doesn't feel like home. It's just walls and windows. Yours, though, it has this Y/N vibe all around."

"A Y/N vibe?" I repeated, amused. "I like that."

Grabbing the wine glasses, I returned to Jensen, noticing him studying a photograph on my wall. "This is cute. Who are all these people?"

I moved closer, the way his breathing hitched making me smile, "That's my dad, my mom, my sister Christina, and my other sister Stephanie, and of course me in the middle."

He smiled widely and nodded, "What a beautiful family."

Though it was a simple compliment, it meant the world to me. The word beautiful has never really been used to describe me, or my life.

"Thank you, Jensen. I haven't talked to them much since moving here, so it's been tough. But this picture always brings a smile to my face."

He frowned slightly, sipping his wine as he took another glance at the photo. "Why don't you visit them? Or have a housewarming party and invite them here?"

I laughed sadly as we moved to the couch, Jensen sitting beside me. "My parents aren't in the best financial situation so taking a flight would be hard on them, plus driving is like 41 hours so that's out."

His expression softened, eyes fixed on mine with an intensity that surprised me.

"My dad does odd jobs like painting and electric work," I explained, "My mom works at a local diner. They manage, but money's always tight. Even though their divorced, they still live together because neither one of them can move out. That's partly why I moved here, hoping to send them money to help out each month."

His expression was different than I've seen before, his eyes filled with admiration and tenderness, his usual charm replaced by a heartfelt sincerity that caught me off guard.

He was silent, and I started to feel like I said something wrong. I quickly gulped the rest of my drink and stood up from my spot, "I'm sorry, that was probably too much information. I didn't mean to turn this into a pity party."

His hand gently gripped mine, shaking himself out of his trance. "No, not at all. It's just... surprising to hear is all."

"Why?" I questioned, sitting back down beside him.

His hand remained on my arm, gaze locked on mine. "You're different from people around here. Kind, generous. I feel like people here are constantly expecting things; but you give. Like when you came to my place about Katie and the broken window, I half expected you to dance home thinking about a huge payday. That's how people usually are."

I scoffed, shaking my head. "I hate that. My parents never asked for money, and neither have I. When my window broke, I went straight to my boss to make sure you wouldn't have to pay."

He smirked, squeezing my hand. "Was it covered, though? You said it was."

I bit my lip nervously as my gaze dropped, "Doesn't really matter, right? It's fixed."

"Please tell me?" He asked softly.

I sighed and brought my gaze to his, smiling nervously. "It wasn't fully covered, actually. To file a claim, I needed your information. But I didn't know if many people knew you lived here, and I didn't want to expose you over a broken window."

Confusion flickered across Jensen's face as he looked down, his hand still holding mine. "But you didn't even know me. Why protect me, put me ahead of yourself?"

"It didn't matter who you were." I replied softly. "I wouldn't have asked for money. I only came to your house to make sure Katie got home safely; everything else was a surprise."

He froze, his eyes meeting mine with a mixture of passion and affection, his gaze drifting to my lips. His hand slowly moved to my cheek, causing my breath to hitch. Before I knew it, his lips were on mine, hands tangled in my hair.

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer as we lost ourselves in each other. His knee moved between my legs and I shivered. He groaned against my lips when I scratched his back.

It felt like we were falling apart together, all our defences crumbling around us. We breathed each other in, falling into each other.

But then everything changed.

He pulled away from me unexpectedly, his expression filled with shock and fear as he looked down at me. "Shit, I... I'm sorry." he whispered.

Confusion and hurt blended in my chest. "You don't need to apologize."

He stood quickly, helping me to my feet and moving towards the door with regret in his eyes. "That wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't want that to happen."

His words hit me like a slap in the face, my heart sinking into my stomach, breath catching in my throat. "Oh... right. It was a mistake."

He halted, guilt engraved on his face. "Oh... no, Y/N, that's not—"

Forcing a smile, I opened the door for him, holding back tears threatening to spill over. "It's okay, Jensen. I should go to bed anyway. Have a good night, okay?"

He froze, shame evident on his face, trying to meet my eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

I felt embarrassed for assuming we were on the same page, that there was something between us. Now, I was left with a broken heart and a bruised ego, wondering how I could ever face him after this.

Jensen walked away from Y/N's house with a knot of anxiety in his stomach. Guilt weighed heavily on him as he replayed the evening in his mind. He cared about her deeply, but it wasn't supposed to happen like that. He wanted to kick himself for not handing the situation better, for hurting someone who had been nothing but kind to him.

Back home, he paced the living room, unable to shake the feeling of regret. He knew he had hurt her, and the thought pained him. Y/N was special to him, different from anyone he had met since his divorce. She was genuine, caring and he felt a connection he hadn't felt in a very long time. Yet, that very connection scared him.

He ran his hand through his hair, and sighed. He couldn't stop thinking about her, her warmth, her smile, and the way she had opened up with him in a way that nobody had since his life became a whirlwind of schedules and public apperances.

He grabbed his phone several times, fingers hovering over her contacting, wanting desperately to reach out and apologize, but each time, he hesitated, unsure of what to say or if she even wanted to hear from him.

As he got into bed, he made the decision to give her some time and than make things right. He wanted to explain everything, apologize for how he handled the situation and for hurting her, hoping that when he did, she would understand but the fear of losing her was anxiety inducing, he didn't want to lose the one person who made him feel alive again.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Chapter 6 coming soon stay tuned!

Like, comment, and reblog, feedback is my fuel 💕

[astoryisaloveaffair]

Fix You - Chapter 14: Enjoy the Silence

Gif by @hunterschafer

Pairing: Frankie “Catfish” Morales x Fem!Reader

Fic Masterlist

Read on A03

Spotify Playlist

»»———————►

Chapter Summary: The final heat...

Word Count: 7k

Rating: R

Chapter Warnings: Cussing, violence. I will not be warning anything else due to spoiling the story. We are all grown. You can stop reading when you want to.

A/N: Has it really been a year? I wish I had a better excuse than "I haven't been doing great." But that's what it is. I've had huge changes in my life. New job, new career, new goals, and a greater sense of self-worth. I'm feeling a lot better. But my new schedule is busy! Hopefully you can forgive me for such a long cliffhanger.

Finally, a heads up. This has been the arc I have been working towards for almost two years, and I'm not going to waver. Just stick with me like you have been. It’ll be worth it.

I also did the absolute most and made a specific playlist just for this chapter here.

Forever thank you to everyone who commented, reblogged, shared, boosted, made content for, and supported me. It meant a lot and definitely kept this fic in the back of my mind. As always, most love to my girl @musings-of-a-rose who has tolerated me being a shitty friend for a whole ass year, and always talking things through with me in life and in this fic. Cheers.

Suggested Songs: Depeche Mode "Enjoy the Silence", Fitz and the Tantrums: "Out of My League", Lizzo "Truth Hurts", Michael Kiwanuka "Cold Little Heart", Cigarettes After Sex "Cry", Guster "Demons"

Frankie and you decided to break your apartment lease starting October 1st. Fall term started on the 30th of August, and you wanted time to settle into your schedule before planning a move. You spent almost all your time at his house anyway, only stopping back at your apartment for more clothes. Frankie had already given you a row of drawers to keep your things in.

You’d honestly never been happier, both on cloud 9 and it never faded, you were incredibly excited to begin this new start with Frankie and Gabi. It all seemed to have happened so fast. It had only been five months, you hadn’t even told your family about him yet, mostly to avoid comments on the age gap. 

You were relieved the hiccup in your relationship settled, you didn’t like feeling unsure or that someone resented you. When you started feeling secure again, you clung to it. That sparkle of joy was hard to keep in check.

You picked your Fall schedule out together and spent the remaining weeks of summer basking in your relationship, playing with Gabi, going out with the guys, and constant fucking. But your most favorite thing was still lying on the couch with Frankie, teasing each other and watching bad TV.

“This is simultaneously the best and worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I don’t understand how they achieved this.”

Frankie shrugs, reaching to your lap for the giant bowl of popcorn, his eyes still glazed to the TV where Mad Max: Fury Road is playing. “I dunno. Who cares? It’s cars and chaos!”

“And Tom Hardy. And Charlize Theron.”

He pinches you on the waist, acting threatened by your thirst just to tease you. “You ever been to a demo derby? This kind of reminds me of it.”

You sit up from where your back is resting against his chest. “Um, no? Isn’t that kind of…for rednecks?”

He laughs, his eyes crinkling. “I’m not sure if you noticed, but Benny and Will are rednecks. But no, it’s for anyone who likes cars crashing into each other. There’s actually one at the fair every year. We always go to it. You should come.”

“I’m not going to a demo derby.”

“Aw come on! It’ll be fun! First time for Gabi too, and there’s rides and games and funnel cake and fried oreos—” He pauses as you hold your hand up to silence him.

“I’ll go. You had me at ‘funnel cake.’”

The fair is packed. The final hurrah of the summer before kids return to school and university students dive back into their studies. The derby started at 8 PM sharp, you, Dali, and the boys got there plenty early to look around a bit, get some food, and find seats.

You forgo any typical entree and go right for the funnel cake, heaping fruit and extra powdered sugar on it until the plate is a big mound of sweet. The guys had talked you up on this for days, Benny wouldn’t shut up about it, and you found yourself excited to watch. Your legs bounce impatiently as you scarf down your cake, breaking off pieces here and there to feed to Gabi and your boys.

The seats were bleachers, hard metal planks that hurt your butt and back and caught vibration from every footfall, but Pope sat behind you so you could lean back against his legs to be more comfortable. 

It’s a long wait. The bleachers eventually fill up, you certainly had the best seat in the house (thank you Will), and you could see the hoods up of participating cars behind the commentator podium. The air is musty, the odor of wet dirt from a quick August shower earlier that day.

When the first round of vehicles start revving their engines, Frankie pulls some earphones for Gabi and secures it to her head. Once he’s sure she’s comfortable, he quickly runs you through the basic rules. “So there’s several ‘heats’, and which heat you’re in is based on how many cylinders the car has. Last car moving is the winner, but you can’t just avoid the other cars the whole time. No continuing if your car starts sparking from the engine, no hitting the driver side door, and no hitting anyone who’s already out.” 

“Wait, cars catch on fire in this?”

Before Frankie can answer, the announcer calls out the first heat and you almost choke at the state of the cars coming out. They were completely dilapidated, windows punched out and hood frames reinforced with extra steel. It looked like each entry had about 5 different parts all from different cars, horrendous paint jobs, and one of them even had a stuffed dinosaur duct taped to the hood. Some of them looked like they had already been hit by cars, parts hanging off and bumpers pressing in on itself. None of these cars would last at all. There’s no way...

The rink was surrounded by giant cement cinder blocks creating a large “rink” type area. The contestants lined the front bumpers of their vehicles up parallel to each other at the barricades separating the cars from the bleachers, alternately revving their engines during the countdown.

“Okay, so, usually we all pick the car we think is going to win.” Benny says. You lean forward to look over the assortment of jacked up cars for this heat, eventually settling on an old Toyota Corolla painted a matte black. Benny chooses the dino car, Will chooses a Dodge Stealth with it’s headlights hanging outside the socket, Dali and Pope argue over a Ford Taurus whose back end was already smashed into the back seats, and Frankie chooses a Chevy Impala, which you immediately regret not taking because it has such a long front and back end. Lots of room for smashing and being able to keep going.

Gabi jumps up and down on Frankie’s lap as he points out things to her over the sounds of engines and a countdown, and then the cars are off off, engines roaring and dirt kicking up as they all reverse at full speed, several of them crunching up in the middle while others circle around the perimeters.

It soon becomes clear to you that there is no rhyme or reason to which car makes it and which doesn’t. Pope’s Taurus didn’t even start and is eliminated after 2 minutes of no movement, and whoever is driving the boxy piece of shit Honda Accord that Dali had to select is a fucking maniac, winding and weaving at full speed backwards, hitting whoever gets in their way. Her choice is the winner of that heat. 

Most of them are driving backwards, and Will tells you it’s because they are trying to protect the engine. You deflate in your seat a little in disappointment, but he assures you that as the heat winds down and there's fewer cars taking up the space, the drivers and announcer will get impatient and they will hit each other head to head.

You’re shocked at how much you enjoy it. At one point a car hits the passenger side door of another so hard that it is pushed up and onto the barricade wall from the inertia, hanging from an angle as the crowd jeers and shrieks in excitement. One car flips over completely, another’s engine bursts into flames and the crowd all starts crying out caution because the announcer can’t see it. You’ve never seen anything like it before and there was so much fire you were sure the whole thing would blow up, but the driver slid out the glassless driver’s side window like it was no big deal and walked it off.

There is something satisfying about two cars hitting each other at full speed, the bodies of them crunching, wheels hanging off axles, bumpers being dragged behind and run over by other drivers, cars with mangled pieces becoming stuck to each other so they can’t separate until another car hits them, tires completely gone and cars only moving on its hubs. It’s chaos in a safe format, a way to experience destruction and violence in a way that feels good and unharmful. 

Gabi has never been so amazed in her entire life, her mouth hangs open and she wriggles against her dad to see everything, laughing every time a collision happens. The audience oohs and ahhs and boos and screams and cheers and teases, you and your friends join the clamor as you have your own mini competition with yourselves.  

Giant fork tractors come into the arena area to lift the cars that can’t move anymore, some guys are able to get theirs back up and running, driving them to the sides to shape up for the final Battle Royale.

The final heat is fucking wild. All the cars that were already battered enough before they even began to come back out, returned to do another round for the final winner. With all the action you’d barely even noticed that contestants whose cars were still driveable had spent the remaining heats beyond the barricades hammering and reforming their vehicles enough to compete again. 

And at the end, the winner of all faces the crowd, pulls off their helmet to reveal a thick curly mass of long hair.  The winner is a woman. You and Dali cheer until your throats hurt.

It’s over too soon. There’s a mass exodus the instant the derby is over, the packed stadium standing and pouring down the stairs pressing so tight that you and your boys decide to hang back until it thins out. You lead the way, Frankie’s large and warm hand grazing your waist as you slowly move down the stairs and back out into the fair, turning to wait for the rest of your friends to make it out.

“What next?” Benny says when you are all reunited. “More food? Games? Rides?”

“I’m not eating more before getting on rides, let's do those now.” Says Frankie, grumbling as he hears you tease him with Benny. He whips his head around to glare at you. “Just you wait until you get older and start getting sick on rides, I cannot wait to make fun of you back.”

The wait for the ride tickets is long, but it leaves plenty of time for the group to decide how many are needed. Who is riding what, who isn’t, what pairings and who will watch Gabi on the rides she can’t do. You’re surprised when Will and Pope back out of the Zipper, leaving you and Benny as a pairing for that.

Riding it was a mistake. The ride is basically a giant airborne conveyer belt with completely enclosed containers for people hanging off it that were 360 degree capable. And it lasted FOREVER. You lose some of your funnel cake behind the ride out of sight, threatening violence on Benny if he outs you to the others. 

But it didn’t stop you from riding The Freak Out immediately afterwards, a rotating pendulum swing that made you feel like you were going to be catapulted out of your seat. The ride seated 4 groups of 4 so that in between squeezing your eyes shut, you could catch watery glimpses of Benny red-faced and cackling hysterically, Will’s chants of “ohfuckohfuckohfuckOHfuckOHFUCKOHSHIT FUCCCCCCK!”, and Frankie looking…absolutely fine. It was almost disturbing really, he was calm and collected, the only hint that this might have been something other than a nice drive in his truck was his giant smile, the tears leaking from his squinted eyes, his chocolate curls whipping around in the breeze as his hands clutch his hat in his lap with a steel grip.

“How the fuck were you so calm?!” You gasp as you stumble off the rickety landing platform. You hadn’t moved yet you felt like you had run a mile, your heart was beating so fast from the adrenaline it almost felt like you might have a heart attack. 

Frankie shrugs. “Feels like a copter in a bad air current.” 

You simply stare blinking. 

“No, he’s always like this. Like this one time, we were flying in a helo over the Andes mountains, and—”

A sharp stare from Frankie that he tries to hide from you makes Benny backpedal. 

“Uhhh yea we were flying over some mountains and the air current was wild but we got over the mountains just fine and everything was fine and we were fine.”

Your heart seizes in your chest, that same feeling of not being told something creeping up. You hate it. You push it back down, swallowing heavily to center yourself. “So I assume you were fine.”

“Yea. Yea. Cat is a good pilot.” 

You hum, the panic still not leaving your chest.

Frankie grabs your hand as you walk. “It happened a lot, I just got used to it.”

“It happened a lot?”

“Yea. I mean, sometimes we were flying through shit climates, sometimes even pursued. Doesn’t make for a smooth ride. I’m just used to it. They always scream bloody murder though.” Frankie smiles softly.

“Oh.”

You go silent, continuing to walk to the next destination: the scrambler. You had already established you would not ride and Dali wanted some funnel cake herself, so she heads off while you stay off to the side with Gabi to watch, lost in your own thoughts.

“Just don’t fucking talk about that, none of that. That never happened.” Frankie seethes to Benny as they are strapped into the ride. 

“Sorry dude, I can’t read your thoughts. I figured she knew.”

“No. I don’t want her to know. No one else needs to know about it.”

Benny falls silent, looking to Will beside him. Pope lowers his head, choosing to say nothing.

“Catfish…you have to.” Says Will.

“No the fuck I don’t. I never want her to know. If she knows…she’ll actually see ‘real me’. ‘Fuck-up me.” And I don't want her to yet. I don’t want to lose her yet. I don’t want her to be afraid. Stop fucking looking at me like that.”

They stop. But only because the ride starts, and they can’t see anything other than blurs.

You hate this feeling, this fluttering in your stomach like something is wrong but your heart knows, it knows it’s fine. It has to be. Your mind is spinning, trying to combat the rising anxiety clenching in your chest, doing gymnastics to find reasons to not be alarmed.

He’s not lying about something. He’s not. …He promised….I’m just overthinking this…

You can’t. You refuse to even think about it. Confronting the terrible possibility that you might’ve done it again, you might have thrown yourself all in to someone only to—-no. 

He’s not lying. He’s not. …He promised….he’s different. I’m just overthinking this…

You can feel butterflies bubbling in your stomach and you feel like you might throw up. Fucking men. You huff in frustration and try to distract yourself with your surroundings, watching people on rides, sharing funnel cake. Your eyes scan over two men staring at you silently by a skewered chicken cart and in your current mood it makes you furious. “What the fuck are you staring at?!” You growl at them. They say nothing and slowly walk away, disappearing into the crowd. Fucking. Men.

You try not to let your emotions show. You sit back while Gabi goes on some rides for her age, using the time to rehydrate and calm yourself down. Living through Gabi’s joy helps.. She’s having a blast, choosing a different person to pair with for each time ride. Pope in the Wacky House, the Helicopters with her dad, Benny on the mini Viking ship. Once you feel better you join in to play bumper cars (Will and Gabi win) and ride the high-rise swings with her seated in the cool metal chair next to you, Benny singing along to the ambient speakers playing “Out of My League” so loud eventually all the other teens on the ride join in.You enjoy the mini coaster more than you thought you would considering it’s for kids Gabi’s age, you and Dali are the only others who can fit in the seats, no matter how hard Benny tried. It was easy to quickly forget.

After the coaster, Gabi begins to slow down, so you hit the fried oreo stand, paying for several batches despite protestation and alternately feeding everyone as the group slowly walks through the agricultural parts of the fair. It’s calmer here, the air warm and quiet. The pathway is less crowded so Gabi is able to frolic around on the walkway in front of you safely. 

You walk through every barn, stopping to pet every animal. She’s a natural with them. Completely fearless, not one flicker of apprehension as she approaches cows and horses that are easily 6 times her height, paying close attention to her dad in how to not spook them. Everyone finds the goats to be the favorite because of the sounds they make. Even more so when Frankie engages in a screaming contest back and forth with a bunch of them until someone shoos them out of the pavilion.

Soon, all the sugar Gabi consumed rears its ugly head in the rabbit barn, she throws a fit when Frankie won’t let her get a pet rabbit and you only just catch her upper arm in time to keep her from collapsing on the filthy barn floor. You’re surprised she held out so long. Even you were crashing and getting tired. Also, the rabbits were ridiculously cute.

“Listen Gabi, how about we ride the ferris wheel? Would you like that?” You kneel before her, swiping the tears off her cheeks as she catches her breath. “It goes really high! Higher than the swings!” She nods, sniffing in a snot bubble as she takes your hand. The two of you lead the way, and as you get closer and closer, you start to regret your decision. 

It’s much taller than the Freak Out. By more than 100 feet. It doesn’t look very stable either.

“Wait...this…this looks kind of high, don’t you think?” You turn to the guys, trying to conceal the wavering in your voice. You were scared enough at 70 feet. This was more like 200.

“Height requirement says she’s fine. And it’s enclosed, goes really slow. Come on.” Frankie takes you by the hand and your heart leaps into your throat, your feet skidding across the lawn as you try to pull back. 

A light shove pushes you forward and you turn to glare at Will as he smirks down at you. “If you don’t go I’m never going to let you hear the end of it. Not after you called us “old and broken down.”

Well shit.

“Fine.”

You’re shaking when it’s your turn, the group mad dashing to three cars next to each other so you could talk throughout. Benny pairs with Pope, Gabi is vibrating with excitement as she’s put into a carriage by Will and Dali, and Frankie is beaming as he motions you towards the left car. He pats your butt as you gingerly step in, waiting until you’re seated before joining you and taking your hand. 

“Babe…are you okay?”

You swallow, grateful it’s dark enough he can’t see you trembling. “Yep. I’m good.” 

He leans forward in his seat, the glowing phosphorescence of the lights of the ride and around the fair bathing him halfway in a multicolored glow. tThe colors and shadows fold into the angles of his face like rainbow chiaroscuro, an angular stained glass window. He takes your hand again, yours is swallowed in his palm and you close your eyes as he rubs his thumb across the top. The dark beat of Depeche Mode pounds against your chest and echoes in your ears and you briefly imagine this is what it must feel like to drop acid.

“Your hands are really sweaty…and you’re breathing really fast. Are you sure you’re okay? Hey…” He squeezes your palm and you open your eyes to meet his. “It’s okay if you’re scared. I won’t joke anymore about it, I’m sorry.”

You swallow. “It’s just really really high.”

Frankie watches the ride operator out of the corner of his eye passing their car as he makes sure everyone is safely locked in before tugging on your arm slightly. You slide forward minutely, he meets you more than halfway with his large limbs and rests his hands on your hips. You gasp as the ride jolts and begins rolling, lifting the cabs up in the air. His calloused fingertip pushes your head back up.

“How about I distract you.” He murmurs, shifting forward one inch more, tilting his neck as his soft pouty lips meet yours. 

You close your eyes, trying to lose your self awareness into him and his mouth and the soft skin of his nose that bumps your cheek and tickles your nose with its little breaths. 

The lift mechanism suddenly shudders, clunking over something and it feels like when you run over a squirrel in your car. You inhale sharply against Frankie’s lips as your cab jostles back and forth. Not much, but enough for you to slam yourself back against your seat and clutch the seat bottom as hard as you can. Your heart beats wildly and you imagine the ride breaking and dropping you on the ground to be crushed to death by this stupid fucking metal cab.

You feel pressure on your knees and look down, focusing hard to not see double from fear. Frankie cups both in his hands, thumbs lightly stroking the inside of your thighs. “It’s okay.” He reassures, squeezing your knees once more. “Probably an under-greased cog, it’s nothing. They test these things like 50 times a day.”

You simply stare, forcing yourself to nod. 

“Close your eyes.”

You open your mouth to argue then close it and obey. You trust Frankie, and it can’t be any worse. 

“Just focus on me. And…you hear the music? It’s called “Enjoy the Silence.” I was obsessed with this song when it came out. And can you hear Benny below us? I can hear Gabi laughing too. We’re all okay, you’re okay too.”

You bite your lips into your mouth, focusing on the song and Frankie’s husky voice. The meditative synth pop calms you, and the carefree voices of your friends below does help calm you, but you can’t slow down your heartbeat. 

“I’m okay. Just too much adrenaline.”

The hands on your knees slide up your bare thighs and wrap around the bottoms of them. Frankie pulls you forward in your seat with a smirk. “I’m feeling a little amped up too.”

“Frankie.”

He doesn’t respond, his sole focus on your thighs as his hands slide up and up and up until he is just able to slip the tip of one of his fingers under one leg of your shorts. For some reason, it pisses you off.

“Frankie!” You hiss. “People could see us.”

“Nah…” He shushes you, his finger sliding lower. 

You clamp your legs shut and push his hand back in his direction. “Frankie, I don’t want to right here.” 

He sits up. “Oh.”

Suddenly you hear Benny’s voice from below. “Hello we are underneath you guys! I don’t want to hear any hooking up sounds!” He trolls, and you fully push Frankie back to his side, your cheeks burning in embarrassment.

It’s the first time you can remember that it’s ever been uncomfortably awkward between the two of you, and you’re not sure why. The silence seems so much more noticeable and weird against the clanking of the Ferris wheel gears and the chattering of random other people.

You’re not even looking at each other, you realize. When did that happen? Your neck cranes to the left as you gaze at the stars, and when you turn back towards Frankie, he is looking to the right and down at the fair. 

“…Is everything okay?”

His eyes snap back to yours. “Yea? Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Cause I pushed you away, and…I dunno, you’re being weird..”

“Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not intentional. I’m not upset, c’mere.” He opens his arms wide to you, scooting on his bench so there’s enough room for you.

You hesitate. “Won’t it…won’t it throw off the balance?”

You feel ridiculous asking but he doesn’t laugh at you, just shakes his head slightly. “Nah, they wouldn’t be able to run this ride if people couldn’t sit on the same side.”

You balance awkwardly on the edge of your bench overanalyzing what exact moment during the track of the ride to launch onto his, but you overthink it and end up jostling the cab more than necessary. Frankie’s arms pull you into his side and you burrow your face in his neck as the cab continues to rock. The music fades from Depeche Mode to Lizzo to Lil’ Nas X (Will clearly enjoys that one) and then back to Lizzo, and you forget all about your uneasiness.

He was right. It did feel better being with him. 

The ride does one more pass then rolls to a halt, letting off you with Frankie and Benny with Santiago. You hover at the exit for Will and Gabi, who have to wait for their cab to reach the platform before dismounting. Frankie takes your hand as you wait.

Gabby’s adrenaline rush runs out fast, and you spend the remainder of the fair eating more fried Oreos and playing games. Somehow you manage to beat them all at the water shooting game, which amps up the competitiveness to the point you’d rather just watch.

Which is how you end up at the “star” game. 

“We’re so fucking good at this game, it pisses them off every time.” Laughs Benny, as he shoots the entire Star out perfectly with the gun that is specifically not given enough ammo to achieve this. You hop up on the far side of the counter to watch, noting the way each of you boys handles their weapon and the differences in each. Benny held his gun loosely, like he was relaxed and self assured. It almost seemed like you would be able to slap it out of his hands but you knew he still had an iron grip. Will was precise and, as you expected, “perfect form”. You could tell just from Pope’s posture change that he was the best shot on the team, you’d never seen him look so focused. Frankie held his with a tense white knuckle grip, the folding stock tucked against his shoulder joint. The tension carrying up his arms as his veins popped out in his forearms and biceps. He looked fucking good. And you wouldn’t consider yourself a “gun person.” In fact, you kind of hated them. But there just was something about a strong non-douchey man holding a rifle like that that activated you. Damn the patriarchy. Even Dali is a great shot, though not as good as the guys.

After a few rounds, the carnie finally stopped allowing your posse to keep playing, frustrated that somehow the rigging system didn’t work on your group. You lean back on your hands, your legs swinging against the wood counter, observing Benny arguing with the carnie with a smirk. Gabi is passed out in her stroller next to you as Frankie sidles up to you, feeding you a piece of Fried Reeses, then promptly kissing you so the taste floats between you. 

He hums deeply, stepping closer to you til he’s between your legs. His hands rest low on the top of your thighs. “This ok?”

You smile. “Yes. More than okay. And I want more.” 

Frankie beams and cups your face, his lips crashing into yours as he all but breathes you in. You tilt your head and poke his mouth with your tongue. He responds immediately and opens for you, meeting you halfway. You whine softly as his hands leave your cheeks and trail down your back, one hand sneaking a bit lower to discreetly cup your ass. You’ve just wound your legs around his hips and your arms around his neck when you hear a shrill voice cut through the din of the dwindling crowd.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Your heart slams to a halt so fast it hurts. You recognize that voice. And so does Frankie. Your heads both snap to the left as a disheveled looking Lex stands there with a bunch of her friends.

Frankie simply stares. She repeats herself. “Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. The BABYSITTER? Are you fucking your BABYSITTER??? Oh Frankie…come on…how pathetic can you be? She’s like a child!”

You look at Frankie, receding into himself like a silent, terrified puppy. You’ve never seen him like this before, it unnerves you.

“Excuse me.” You snap back. “I am 28.”

She scoffs. I fucking knew something was going on with you two. And you’re doing this in front of my child?”

“Well, actually, Gabi is sleeping. At least she was, until you came ranting and raving.” You make eye contact with Pope, who reads your perfectly and starts steering Gabi’s stroller away so she can’t hear. “We made sure to be careful for her but why do you even care if we are fucking? You left him! You didn’t want him anymore, so it shouldn’t fucking matter who he dates.” 

“He’s a drug addict and a pathological liar. He will NEVER change.”

“Yea? And you are a drunk, controlling, OCD bitch who can’t mind her own fucking business. He’s happy with me. I trust him. Unlike you. Bye.” You couldn’t help yourself, you just fucking hated her.

But that set her off. “Did he tell you why he was suspended?”

“Yes, he—“

“Did he tell you he was high, flying a family and he almost injured everyone from a sloppy landing? Did he tell you how he would take Gabi to his drug dealers house with him? How he went on a STUPID fucking mission with these idiots to burglarize a fucking drug lord completely off paper? That I deliberately asked him not to because we had a new baby? That he crashed their helicopter, dropped all their money and shot innocent villagers to keep them from getting it? At children and old men adn women? That because of that, Molly’s husband was shot in the fucking head by one of those people? And then they couldn’t even bring the money back so it was all for no reason?”

She’s shouting now, spittle flying from her inebriated lips. One of her friends tries to grab her arm but she shakes them off. People in the crowd are starting to stop and watch. “Then, THEN, he treated me like shit, saying horrible things to me just when he was mad, throwing things, scaring me!”

You feel like you can’t breathe, it’s too much information all at once. “...What? I don’t…No. no, he said he was on a delta mission–”

“Oh sweetheart,” She sneers condescendingly. “He was on a greed mission. He was retired from delta. This was like a year ago. They all wanted to get rich and robbed a fucking drug kingpin and Frankie shot innocent people to make sure he got alllllll that money. And because of that, his friend was shot and killed and his family has NO idea why. He lied to you.”

You turn to look at him, and all his friends. Everyone is silent, trying not to look up from the ground. Dali looks as bewildered as you. “Frankie…?” Tears water in your eyes and you feel like your heart is going to burst. You thought he told you it was an enlisted mission, but on top of everything else you just learned your thoughts are rushing so fast you can’t seem to remember specifics. 

Frankie can’t even look at you. And that’s how you know. 

It’s true…

“Lex. Stop.” Will’s Southern drawl cuts through the silence, the commanding officer in him coming out. “It’s over. This shit between you two has to stop. Enough.” His eyes shift to Lex’s friends, who are nodding and repeating the same thing. Lex finally allows them to pull her away muttering under her breath, sending one last glare in your direction.

The walk to the truck is silent. The ride home is a foggy blur. But the minute you step into the house, you crack. 

“Frankie please tell me all this is not true.” You can’t read him at all, his face is completely blank as he moves around you towards Gabi’s bedroom to tuck her in.

So you wait.

His hackles are already up when he comes back out.

“Frankie–”

“Yea.”

“Well?”

“Yea. It’s true. We tried to steal money from one of Pope’s cases and it backfired and Tom got shot.”

“Because of you.”

His expression changes then, from blank nothing to vicious defensive anger. “Yea. Because of me. I fucked up the flight back and we crash landed and these fuckin’ villagers were gonna take the money! And it was an accident!”

“You ‘accidentally’ shot innocent people?”

He swallows, his jaw clenching and unclenching. You can see he’s doing mental gymnastics in order to avoid accountability. 

“Did your finger slip?”

No answer. 

“Frankie. Did your finger slip on the trigger?”

You already know the answer before he says it. And somehow it’s like he morphs into a Disney villain as he says it. “No. My finger didn’t slip.”

It burns, the sharp pain in your heart that makes you feel like it’s having a seizure or forgot how to pump blood or is pumping too much blood. “How many people did you kill.”

He shrugs. “I dunno.”

“You don’t know? How can you not know?! Frankie, you told me this was your job! You- you fucking lied to me! I-I I asked you if you were hiding anything else from me and you fucking lied to me!” You can’t help your voice raising, the tears spilling out of your eyes as you realize how fucking stupid you had been. Somewhere in the background you can hear Gabi has woken and is hysterically crying. Frankie, clearly having enough, turns back towards her room. But you continue, screaming at his back. “And that’s why Tom is dead? And his family doesn’t know why?!”

Frankie doesn’t answer and suddenly you are enraged. You run behind him and shove him forward. “I’m fucking talking to you! How can you just be so fucking blase about this??? And…all that other shit???—I feel like I don’t know you at all!”

He whirls around, that furious murderous face you ‘ve seen him give others is finally directed at you. “Because you don’t!” He screams back, his teeth nash and he shoves a finger one inch from  your face. You flinch.

“Frankie, you’re scaring me.”

“I’m scaring you? Really? I thought this was your thing?” 

You blink, confused, tears stalling on your face. “Don’t–”  You plead softly.

“No, Lex is right. You’re a naive little girl who thinks she can save worthless idiots like me and live some fucking fantasy happily ever after. You won’t. You can’t. I’m unfixable.”

“How can you say that!! Frankie, I love you!

He scoffs. “I know you think you do. And I know you aren’t stupid, you told me you’ve done this before. But guess what sweetie, you aren’t better, you’re still doing it because you’re so fucking desperate for someone to love you. You don’t love me. You just want to feel like some fucking savior.”

“No! No… I didn’t, I don’t…you told me you loved me!”

“I wanted to fuck you.” His eyes are black as far, it’s like you don’t even recognize his face anymore. Lex was right. Lex was right. How…did you make all of it up in your head?

“You…You’re a fucking psycho…I feel like you emotionally manipulated me into caring for you only for you to play games with me! I specifically told you I couldn’t go through this again and you fucking did it anyway!”

“Hey, you kissed me. And you were fun to fuck, I will admit that. Let me do fucking anything. But we both knew this would happen. You set yourself up. I did shoot those villagers. I caused Tom’s death. I just wanted the fucking money. And I wanted to kill a bunch of kids too, when they got in my way. Fuckin’ teenagers and I told Pope to fucking shoot them all.  And you know what else? We went back and got all that fucking money we hid, and we are fucking swimming in it. And I didn’t share a goddamn dime with my ex. You’re right. I am a psycho, so it’s a good thing this is over. Pack your shit and leave me alone.”

“Fuck you Frankie.”

You don’t wait another moment. You don’t need to be asked twice this time. You shove him aside on your way down the hallway, doing everything you can not to let the second round of tears fall. He’d seen enough.

You slam the door of the master bedroom behind you, frantically bouncing around different points in the room to grab all your shit. When did all of this stuff even get here? Anxiety bubbles up your chest until you can’t take it anymore and say fuck it, he can just throw anything else out. I have to get out of here.

You rush back down the hallway like a speed demon, praying to whatever that he won’t be standing in the hallway still. He isn’t. He’s sitting on his couch facing away from you, his head in his hands. You hate yourself for wanting to go comfort him. He’s right…I’m

not better…

You pause on the front doorway, struggling to say what needs to be said. Don’t be weak. Don’t keep letting people do this to you over and over. “Don’t contact me.I never want to see you again.” You say to his back.

He doesn’t move a muscle, or even look at you. “You won’t.”

You were able to make it halfway across the lawn before the grief fully hit. By the time you got to your car you were gasping like you were no longer able to breathe. And the minute your car door shut you broke, a wailing sob bursting from your lips as you bury your face in your palms. 

Again. It happened again. And it’s just as crushing as every other time, except now it feels like you never healed from the others and now they are all piling on top of the other with this one as the final blow.

Why. WHY? Was there something wrong with you? Why were you never enough? Why couldn’t you make them stay? What did you do to keep having to go through this? It almost killed you last time, your eyes squeeze shut as you remember the look on your parents face as they watched you writhe on your bed screaming and crying hysterically from your latest breakup.

And why did you let yourself fall into it again, like you had never learned a goddamn thing. It was like you were masochistic, you told yourself you would never need someone again so badly, you wouldn’t enmesh yourself so fully that when it fell apart you could barely function. Your heart was once again ripped out of your chest and thrown to the floor, the cracks from before making this shattering into pieces so small you know it can’t get repaired again.

With a trembling whimper, you pull your face out of your hands and wipe your eyes, your nose. You realize you’re still sitting in Frankie’s driveway and you immediately look to see if he's at the window, concerned for you. He isn’t. You hate yourself for it but it breaks you even more. 

It’s over.

You drive home mindlessly, your Spotify on shuffle and you aren’t aware of anything else. Just get home. Just get home and then you can cry, try to move on. But you already know you won’t. 

You finally tire yourself out of tears, and you try to talk yourself up, turning up the music and chanting “it’s okay” to yourself. 

It’s Coldplay. You always liked Coldplay. 

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try, you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you…

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face, and I–

You slam the on/off button so hard you actually cause the auxiliary cord to malfunction, so you rip it out of your phone and throw the damn thing on the passenger seat. You drive home in silence.

It’s dark in the lot when you arrive. You park in a spot along the side and towards the back because the lot is mostly full. The only light shining is the pole yards away, the bulb switches off and on opposite of the dark one right above you. 

You feel numb. You can still feel sticky dried tears on your face, but your ability to utter a sound is gone. You close your eyes and try to compose yourself, simply sitting in your car in the dark. You’re avoiding going upstairs, you know. You’ve pretty much been living at Frankie’s. Walking through that door would make it feel too ‘official’. You cover your face with your hands and rub the tears tracks off your raw face, and are about to take a breath and gather your shit when a THWACKING sound bursts right in your left ear.

You startle with a yelp and look out your window, prepared to tell off whoever is messing with you, but freeze when you find yourself face to face with the barrel of a gun, the only thing separating you from it is the shitty window glass on your cheap car.

»»———————►

Post A/N: Don't yell at me lol

[naavispider]

Hey, what do you think life would be like for Spider and others in modern au? I mean the universe on Earth, nowadays. (For example - in my hc Jake is in a wheelchair, Spider has cystic fibrosis/severe asthma, Kiri has epilepsy and Grace is in a coma as a reference to the original story)

Spider Socorro Modern AU headcanons

Adding mine to the pile because I'm 😍 hooked 😍 Some of these are definitely influenced and adopted from other posts I've seen, especially @hyperfixatedfandomer (I searched but I couldn't find the other post that I really loved so I'm sorry whoever you are, know that you inspired me 🙌🏻) Again if you haven't, you need to read So close, yet a million worlds apart 🥰

has bounced from foster home to foster home growing up

Norm is his social worker who he has a good relationship with, despite Norm being pretty unable to find anyone to adopt him

Yes, Jake and Neytiri are one of the families who ended up fostering Spider as a teenager

He has asthma, which can occasionally flare up so he always carries his inhaler

His style is lots of oversized baggy clothes, a hoodie here or there but mostly bold t shirts, very grunge, very tumblr boy. His look reflects the care and attention he's gotten as a kid, which is obviously not a lot

Deffs has his ears pierced but hasn't braved his first tattoo yet

Plays guitar and can sing, but hates to do it in front of people

He's pretty musically talented all around, he once picked up piano pretty well

Very artistic, he definitely has a sketch book hidden somewhere and the sketchbook definitely includes Kiri's portrait more than once. The kind of kid that always has graphite on his fingertips

Skateboarder - so he can roll away from his problems

Alexa play 'They See Me Rollin'

Plaits his hair in cool styles, loves incense, would be into Yoga however he's never had the space or the vulnerability to try it in any of his foster homes.

Very popular at the children's home, lots of the younger kids look up to him and he has some cool friends his own age from there as well

Bright in school, though he can be cheeky so ends up in a few detentions, definitely has ADHD as well (high functioning)

Loves peanut butter! I feel it in my heart that it's his favourite food

relationship with the Sullys

when Norm called Jake and Neytiri and asked if they were willing to foster a kid for a few weeks, Lo'ak was Not Impressed

Tuk was delighted and Kiri and Neteyam were skeptical

The kid really needed fostering though due to a safeguarding concern (oh no Papa Miles found out where the children's home is but isn't allowed to see him so the only other option was to send Spider away across the country to another children's home)

As soon as Spider walked in the door Lo'ak knew they were gonna be thick as thieves, all trepidation vanished

Neytiri gives a warm welcome, but allows Jake and the kids to show Spider around. She definitely never tries to mother him, and Spider can feel that, it doesn't bother him (most of the time)

Jake is definitely in a wheelchair, and when he sees Spider's skateboard tucked under his arm on the doorstep he knows there's gonna be some wheel jokes

Spider is of course always respectful but the kid has banter, and Kiri and Lo'ak are all over it

Jake finds out his fave food is peanut butter and makes peanut butter chicken one night. The fam have never tried it before but it's an instant hit

Lo'ak and Spider sneak out together all the time, hanging around street corners and parking lots at night, and sometimes Kiri comes too

Spider got Lo'ak into skateboarding, Lo'ak eventually ditches his bike

Tuk is enamoured by Spider's hair, she thinks it's really pretty. Spider is great with her, because he has so much experience with younger kids in the children's home

Spider loved Kiri no doubt, but he's ace af so never thinks of her in that way. Kiri loves him back easily and they just know their souls align.

Someone at school once started taking the piss out of how friendly Kiri and Spider were, esp that they were foster siblings, and Lo'ak punched the guy square in the jaw, causing a big fight in the hallway and Lo'ak to get suspended for a day

Spider looks up to Neteyam, a little bit wary of him at first when he moved in, but doesn't see much of him since he's older and keeps himself to himself a lot

Neteyam will be going off to college soon (he's like 17 in this AU purely for the older bro vibes) and Spider can see that he wants that for himself as well, eventually

one time Neteyam catches Lo'ak and Spider sneaking in at like 3am from the skatepark and says that as long as they don't do it again he won't snitch on them

Lo'ak and Spider invite him on the next one

Neteyam notices a car parked on the street outside their house over a few days that seems kinda sus, and he mentions it to Jake, who tells Norm, who tells social services, because what do you know, it couldn't possibly be the dangerous Papa Miles stalking his son could it?? (someone please write a fic)

[roo-bastmoon]

Juxtapositions, and focus

"How can you think Jikook are still real when they just hugged like they haven't seen each other in months??"

Whelp, my adorable little Vulcan, I'll tell you. Human beings have this thing called "humor" and they often tease each other when they feel safe and happy in each other's presence. (This is my gently teasing you, by the way.)

They hugged like they haven't seen each other in months because it was exaggerated, in a joking way, as Jungkook had been abroad for a week. And possibly they just got snockered together the night before, so it's hilarious to them.

Jimin gave Hobi almost the same exaggerated hug even though two days prior they shared a drink together. I still cling to my work wife every week on the days when we're both in the office and it's been three years of us talking almost daily. It's a silly way to convey love.

Just like when Jimin says "Is it you? Is it you or is it me? The smell of alcohol." He asks this ridiculous question while also cradling a stinky JK to him, and JK is smiling so hard his eyes crinkle while he wraps his arms around Jimin's waist and presses him close with his hands. And then they proceed to stand next to each other, arms touching, like magnets for a good long while. You know, just the usual.

Just like on JK's lives where his eyes lit up and he kept calling for Jimin to come to him... after using extremely formal language to say hello and bow to Jimin? It's not actually conveying that there's distance between them--because in the next breath he's dropping all honorifics and using just the most possessive, entitled, teasing tone. You know, also just as usual.

It's about the juxtaposition of extremes.

Or when JK responded to Jimin's "I miss you" on WeVerse with extremely aegyo "Me too." Jungkook is a 25-year-old millionaire rock star with a motorcycle, a full sleeve of tattoos, several piercings, and 8-pack abs. But he can turn on his big doe eyes and act super cute for Jimin.

Now look, to be fair, I can't tell you Jikook are romantically together as if it were a fact. I don't live in their cupboards and stalk them 24/7. I am pretty sure they are not sharing an address right now that we've seen on camera.

I'm guessing they spend time over each other's houses when they can, when schedules line up, probably sometimes over night (they are night owls). And on nights when that's not possible, it seems to me that Jimin spends hours watching all of JK's lives and JK spends 90 minutes ignoring the live chat to watch Jimin on YouTube.

I'm pretty sure they keep in contact using technology when they are apart on projects because when Jungkook doesn't answer Jimin's texts, it drives him crazy.

I'm absolutely convinced they love each other and they sure do act like they are IN LOVE with each other.

My god, the tones they use exclusively for each other is enough... And also, I don't see anyone else in Bangtan lifting each other up, trying to touch each other's skin under clothing, squeezing each other's butts, rolling around in soap, calling each other baby, giving each other bite marks, making videos about each other sharing a room or a trip, or including each other on super secret hidden love songs that will never be for sales or streams. But honestly it's the way everyone around them from their members to family to brands to tattoo artists to boxing coaches all still treat them like a couple--that's the clincher for me.

Totally fine if you don't see it. I've tried, I've really truly tried to see other pairings in BTS, watched tons of content around it, and there's plenty of silly flirting and deep respect and tons of skinship, but I genuinely do not see the same exclusive intimacy and heated chemistry among anyone else, and that's saying something because Jimin has chemistry with everyone. (Jimin can make a broken lamppost light up with love.)

But just because *I* don't see it, doesn't mean I look down on others who do see genuine romantic feelings among other pairings. I don't have the monopoly on truth. I'm just making my best educated guesses.

The day I feel the need to wander over to someone else's space and tell them they are wrong and I am right and pop off on some diatribe about why they are so wrong and I am so right is the day I truly have lost the plot, and no longer actually believe in my own assertions.

It's completely normal to have doubts, to question yourself, to ask others for their takes on things. I was a hella insecure Jikooker my first few months as baby ARMY. And I admit, even now, sometimes I doom spiral and ask myself if maybe Jimin and Jungkook are just really good friends who have absolutely no sense of boundaries when it comes to each other and I'm projecting a love story onto them. But naw. Then they act like they did in that Bangtan Bomb from today and I'm pretty sure I'm not full-tilt delulu for thinking if it's not them it's not anyone.

And I do not need to convince anyone. I do not need to convert anyone. I don't even really need to answer this question put to me, but if you're hoping to be convinced...

Why do I think Jikook are still together?

Because while all of BTS really love each other... even if Jikook are apart for a while, the moment they are back together...

...everyone and everything else sort of fades away for them.

Even ARMY.

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

status of babbit's life yeehaw

tl,dr: busy moving and a couple of other big life things that just complicate things, but well on the way to being back to normal! new fic chapters and better quality art coming soon.

tl,wr (too long, will read):

Helloooo what's up its me, Babbit. or Rabbit. or Bones. or Idiot Moron Menace Child, idk im not picky lol

i know a lot of you guys have been wondering wtf is up with my upload schedule lately and the extreme lack of even basic content and also i am extremely aware that i have not updated my fics in a few millennia and for that i am very, very sorry. this post is to answer a few questions you might have, if anyone was curious about the 'reason' instead of just the 'when.'

my family and i have had a hell of a year, y'all. like, jesus christ, i really hope things level out and calm down for a while once we're moved in to our new apartment bc god damn we are so tired. the list goes: 1. we got kicked out of the house we were renting-to-own bc we wouldn't be able to afford the new rate, so they gave us two months to find a new place to live (not long enough, it turns out) and then foreclosed to get us out. 75% of our belongings were still in the house when we had to leave. that includes all of our christmas ornaments- including the ones kept for decades, and the ones made by me and my siblings, and the fancy ones made from blown glass. 2. the first night out of the house, one of our dogs, freaked out by the strangeness of the situation, panicked and slipped her harness and ran off. that was over a year ago. we haven't seen her since. 3. my cat got very ill and became unable to eat. she passed away almost exactly a year ago. she had been 14-15, and had been my baby since i was maybe 8. 4. one of the tires on my dads car blew out. during the night, while it was parked on the curb so he could put the spare on in the morning, one of the in-tact tires was fucking stolen LMAO 5. we applied to rent at so many places and got rejected so, so many times. it costs money to apply, btw. we're talking like $200+. no, u don't get that money back. 6. i lost my job bc knowing i would have to work 8 hours at a job that stresses me out to the point of exhaustion (at a place where no one takes me seriously and would actively laugh at me when i try to express my need to step away for a minute) sometimes paralyzed me and made me sick to my stomach and made me feel unable to leave the house, and i called out one too many times. a day after my birthday, too! 7. just recently, like within the last week, my dad's car got fuckin totalled!!!!!

THE GOOD NEWS IS WE OFFICIALLY, FINALLY, AFTER A SOLID YEAR, HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!! I'LL HAVE MY OWN ROOM AGAIN!!! THERE'S AN ENTIRE KITCHEN!!!!!!!

the 'oh god' news is we still have to move in, and replace a lot of the stuff that we just couldn't take with us when we moved out (mostly stuff like bookshelves, dining table, dressers, etc) AND get the few things we could cram into a storage center out and moved into the new place, which isn't a lot but at the same time is more than we can realistically handle on our own. and then, we have to get my mums cats (a pair of kitty sisters that we had to temporarily house with my aunt, who got tired of looking after them and let them outside to be outdoor cats a few months ago. yes, this was an extremely shitty thing to do, and we've been working hard to get them back safely) AND my gecko (who my cousin has been looking after, even tho feeding him worms freaks him out LMAO yes i plan on compensating him) moved in, as well... basically oh my god there is so much to worry about but at the same time it's nice to have to worry about it bc it means we're making progress sdkfhsjdkfhdsjfh

basically i am just so tired but so busy and also thinkin abt so much im so sorry for lack of stuff but i am so looking forward to being able to bounce back, pls stick with me, it'll be sorted out soon i think and then i'll hit y'all with some good stuff i promise!!!!!!!

anyway thank u guys i love u and appreciate u all for sticking around

[zafirosreverie]

Cuando la veo (Julieta x Fem!Reader)

a/n: Title and idea taken from Pimpinela’s Cuando lo veo.

Next

_____________________________

You closed your eyes and clenched your fists not caring that the cloth in your hand wrinkled beyond recognition, in fact, what you wanted most was to rip the dress apart, tear everything in your room, and leave the world as destroyed as your heart. It wasn't fair, this wasn't how it all had to end, your life was supposed to just begin, bright mornings and warm afternoons awaited you with the love of your life. But you were only greeted with a terrible winter that soaked into your bones and a huge emptiness in the center of your chest.

"You promised you'd be here, Santi" you whispered, hugging yourself "you swore you'd never leave me"

And yet, you were alone again.

No family, no friends, no partner, no future. You had nothing more than the misery that consumed you little by little, the guilt that whispered in your ear that you could have done more, the rage that threatened to burn you whole from the inside, and a love, pure and sincere, so big that was painful because it no longer had anyone to reach out to.

You glanced sideways at the letter that had arrived that morning. You had barely opened it, and all you had to do was read the greeting to set it aside and burst into tears, too weak to face any consolatory speech it might contain. “I'm so sorry, my little alhelí” it said, in your aunt’s fine handwriting, the only family you had left, and whom you hadn't seen in years.

You didn't even know how she found out about what happened, but you didn't care at the time, it had all stopped making sense to you anyway. All you wanted was for time to turn back and for your fiancé to come back, to fulfill the perfect life that you were supposed to have together.

"Damn you, Santiago Cabral" you said, swallowing the lump in your throat "damn you for leaving me alone, for breaking my heart like this... and because deep down I know it's my fault, that I wasn't enough"

A new wave of tears invaded you, making you fall to your knees beside the bed. Your hands no longer had the strength to keep mistreating the veil of your wedding dress, nor did your voice come out in sobs. You were simply no more than a ghost. One that seemed doomed to the memory of a man who never came and never would.

________________________

Julieta sighed heavily as she set the wooden ladle aside, turning off the stove and wiping her hands on her apron. She really missed Casita. Weeks had passed since the miracle was lost, leaving her entire family helpless, lost, and destabilized, and although the town seemed to wake up from a dream and had come to help them, one family even lent them a house to live in while they rebuilt theirs, it was true that the Madrigals could have had a better time.

Sure, there were some who adjusted better than others, but that didn’t mean they haven't suffered. Of the six grandchildren, Dolores was the one who felt most comfortable, it seemed that she was almost relieved to have lost her gift, and Julieta couldn't blame her, her niece seemed freer and happier, being able to participate in more activities that she couldn't before due to the sensory overload of her super hearing. Camilo and Isabela said they were fine, but there were times when someone would catch them trying to reactivate their gifts or pretend they still had them.

Antonio and Luisa were the most vocal when it came to expressing their pain, both very resentful of the loss of their gifts, one because of the brevity in which he was able to enjoy it and the other because of a sense of identity that was taken from her. And her sweet Mirabel, used to live without a magical gift, had taken it upon herself to teach them how to live a normal life. The only good thing about all of this was that the six of them had become a little more united and that if one was in trouble, the other five would respond. It was cute if she was being honest.

Adults were another story. Mom appeared to be strong, but everyone could see the fear in her eyes and the pain of having lost the last vestiges of Dad's sacrifice, she was almost always locked in her designated room. Bruno had spent the last ten years without having visions, so it wasn't hard for him to get used to the lack of magic, adjusting to living with the rest of the family again was the real challenge. Pepa didn't seem to mind not having a constant cloud over her head, and she took the time to reconnect with her brother, so they could almost always be found together, without the third of their triad.

Julieta was not proud to admit that the one who was handling everything the worst was herself. After having spent the last forty-five years cooking tirelessly, ensuring the health and safety of the entire town, she now felt utterly useless, with nothing to do, nor a true purpose that would finish justifying her existence.

She had ceased to be someone necessary, now she was simply a sad shadow, an empty shell, a lump that everyone forgot about after breakfast and until lunch, then disappeared again until dinner. And that hurt her soul. She couldn't help anyone anymore, she couldn't take care of her daughters and nephews, mom didn't talk to her anymore, she couldn't bond with her siblings, no matter how many times she tried or how much she missed Bruno, he and Pepa had always had a stronger bond than they ever would have with her. Simply, she no longer felt like she belonged to her own family.

There was only one person in the whole town who still seemed to notice her, who still cared for her, only one man who still bothered to ask her if she was okay or listen if she needed him. And it was not her husband, but her brother-in-law.

Agustín had been a great source of comfort in the first few days after Casita was lost, just as he had been the night Bruno disappeared. But like that time, that concern and fleeting warmth disappeared after three or four days. She wasn't stupid, she knew how things were between them for years, even before Mirabel's birth, and she really couldn't blame him for anything.

The thing was, since Casita was gone, Gus had stopped having so many accidents, and if he did, he wouldn't go to her, because after all, what could she do without her gift? So the gap that had existed between them for more than fifteen years began to widen little by little with each day that Agustín went to town, exploring a freedom that, ironically, seemed magical, while she was left alone, in a strange house, as if she was part of the kitchen instruments and nothing more.

"Okay, this is the third time you've sighed in the last five minutes, what's wrong?"

Julieta jumped a little and turned around quickly, finding Felix who was looking at her quite amused from the door frame. The woman sighed in relief and felt her muscles relax considerably in the man's presence. Of all the people around her, only he could make her feel a little better these days.

"How long have you been there?" she asked softly

"Enough to feel offended that you didn't notice" he smiled.

She rolled her eyes affectionately and crossed her arms as he walked towards her, carefully following his every move. She didn't think he was going to do it this time, but her brother-in-law could be ruthless when he put his mind to it, and she had no intention of getting caught up in a tickling fit again, childish as that sounded.

"So" he said, standing in front of her and mimicking her stance "are we going to do it by hook or by crook?"

Julieta looked at him for a moment, internally cursing the simple way in which his eyes seemed to scan her soul, without giving her a chance to come up with an excuse. No matter how many years passed, Felix had always been good at getting everything out of her, she could lie to anyone but him. It didn't mean she didn't try, though.

"It's nothing" she said "I'm just a little tired of cooking, that's all" he didn't seem to believe her at all.

“You decided the hard way then” he said, smiling as her sister-in-law's eyes widened and she hurried away from him.

"No, no, no, no, don't even think about it" she warned him

"Come here, Juli, I just want to talk to you"

"Stay away from me, Felix, I'm serious."

He just laughed and kept moving towards her, chasing her around the table and returning to their place the chairs she was pulling out to try to slow his progress. They both knew they were making a ridiculous scene and that if anyone found them they would think they had lost their sanity, but they didn't care. Despite what the woman said, he could see a soft ghost of joy in her eyes and a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, and that was enough for him.

"Felix, stay away" she told him again, taking the wooden ladle as a weapon.

"I wouldn't have to chase you if you stopped running" he replied.

Julieta didn't even notice the rag lying on the floor, too busy with the man in front of her, so she screamed when her heel slipped, knocking her off balance. She instinctively closed her eyes, waiting for the blow, but it never came. Instead, she felt a pair of large, strong hands, one on her hip and the other on her arm, holding her upright.

"I got you" her brother-in-law smirked at her.

"Th-thank you," she replied, pulling away from him and picking up the rag.

The atmosphere cooled again and the twinkle in the woman's eyes disappeared, as did any trace of amusement that might have existed. Felix was deeply sorry, but he also knew it wasn't unusual. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't keep his sister-in-law happy for more than a few minutes, at least not anymore.

There was a time when he and Julieta used to do everything together, when they were children they could spend hours and hours playing just the two of them without getting bored, they told each other everything, they supported and cared for each other, and despite their fears, it did not change as they grew. It was true that they drifted a bit apart when he started dating Pepa and she met Agustín, but they still managed to find moments to have fun together, and even once they had formed their respective sides of the family, it was not uncommon to see them together in the kitchen, talking quietly or venting comfortably with the other.

He knew that she saw him as another brother, and he felt the same for her. And maybe he never told her, but being a few years older, he felt it was his responsibility to take care of her as he took care of his beautiful wife. It just felt natural to him. That's why it hurt so much that he couldn't give her the comfort she so obviously needed.

"It's because of him, isn't it?" he asked carefully

"Felix-"

"You can't lie to me, Juli, you know that" he interrupted her "...it's because of Agustín"

She clenched her fists for a moment, before sighing and looking away. Sometimes she really hated the way he could read her so easily as if he knew her so much better than she knew herself. She didn't even try to pretend that she was surprised that she didn't call him “Gus” but instead went by his full name. Her husband had ceased to be her brother-in-law's comrade the same day that he had ceased to be the man she fell in love with.

“…partly yes,” she admitted quietly, “I just…feel lonely, you know? I'm glad that the girls are distracted, that they go for a walk and make friends, and it would be selfish of me to want Agustín to stay here with me all day."

"But?"

"...but, sometimes I wish that...I don't know, he would at least pretend that he cares a little about me" she said, hugging herself "I'm not going to say that I miss him getting hurt, on the contrary, you know well that one of the reasons we started to fell apart was because I was tired of having to heal him every two minutes”

It was true. On more than one occasion, Félix had heard her complain about having to run behind an adult man with an arepa in her hand in case he hurt himself like a little boy, and although she had found it cute at the beginning of their relationship, the truth was that the man and his accidents consumed most of what little free time she had.

"And I'm really glad he doesn't have so many accidents, especially now that I can't do anything for him, but a simple 'good morning' or a hug would be enough" she continued "the only times he seems to notice me is when we have to fake smiles in front of the girls”

"Juli-"

"And the fights, Felix...those are the worst part"

"The fights?"

He moved closer to her, frowning in concern and feeling his blood boil as tears began to roll down the woman's cheeks. But he knew Julieta, and after a few seconds he could see that they weren't tears of sadness, but of anger. If that man had hurt her, he wouldn't live another day to tell about it.

"He did something to you?" he asked carefully

Julieta stared at him in amazement, blinking a little as a mist lifted from her mind and a warm feeling bloomed in her chest as she noted the fire in the man's eyes. It felt nice to know that at least he cared for her to the point that the idea of someone hurting her caused such a reaction, even if it wasn't the case.

"No" she assured him, wiping her tears with the back of her hand and smiling softly at him "no, he hasn't done anything to me."

"But have you fought?"

"..Yeah"

"About what?"

“Lots of things” she sighed “but it's almost always about how late he gets home. And it's not that I want to control him, he can go where he pleases, but I never know where he is and I no longer have excuses for the girls when they ask me about him. I trust him, Félix, but I can't dispel doubts, especially Isabela's, if I don't know where he gets into all day... and these fights are becoming more and more frequent"

Felix looked at her for a moment, before sighing and pulling her into a hug that he knew she badly needed. He wasn't even surprised when she buried her face in his shoulder, nor did he care when he felt hot tears soaking into his shirt. It was a delicate matter, that was eating his best friend from the inside, and he knew that he would have to put that card back on the table, for her sake.

"Have you thought about getting a divorce, Juli?" he asked softly after she calmed down

The woman tensed in his arms for a moment and was silent for a long time. He waited patiently for her to accommodate her thoughts, held her firmly until he felt her relax again, and only broke away from her when she unwrapped her arms from his body. Julieta wiped her tears with her hand again, before she accepted gratefully the napkin that he offered her.

The truth was, there was no reason to avoid the question. Felix knew that she had been thinking about this for a long time, perhaps two years after Luisa was born. He had been surprised when she told him, but still, he had supported her as always and he had made her feel safe, even helping her figure out what papers she needed. But then Mirabel was born.

She would never, ever have the audacity to say that any of her daughters were a mistake. They were not. She loved them more than her life and would do anything for them, to take care of them and protect them, but sometimes she wondered if Mirabel's lack of gift was due to the fact that neither she nor Agustín had planned to have her, it just... happened.

And with her birth, things changed again. The news that he would be a father again had brought back her Agustín, the man she had fallen in love with. He had cared for her and pampered her like a queen, always attentive and ready to help her in whatever she needed, and for a brief moment, she had allowed herself to think that perhaps love had resurfaced between them... but it hadn't. As soon as her youngest daughter was out of her body, she returned to being one more decoration in the house.

It hurt her, knowing that they really had lost the fire they once shared, but she supposed that was how things were, and that it was better to get used to it. After all, absolutely no one could accuse Agustín Rojas of being a bad father, and she herself would be the first in the line of defense if someone tried to, she shouldn't be selfish, she should be thankful that her daughters had grown up with the best father they could have had, regardless of whether the little affection that still remained between them couldn't even be called friendship.

"He's a good man, Félix" she whispered.

“But you don't love him…not like that” it wasn't a question, but she forced herself to answer anyway.

"...No"

"Then why do you stay?" Félix asked "why are you still with him when you both know there's nothing there anymore?"

Julieta shuddered. He wasn't rude, nor could she find any hint of judgment in his tone, he really wanted to know, but saying it out loud made it terribly true, and she didn't know if she was ready to be honest with him, or with herself.

"For my daughters" she replied, looking into his eyes "...and because I don't know anything else...I don't want to be alone, and a cold presence is better than an empty bed"

Felix looked at her with a mixture of compassion and pain, but he didn't say anything, he simply hugged her again, wishing he could convey in that gesture all the love he had for her, and a clear message of support that he hoped she could get.

"Julieta!"

The two jumped up and separated quickly at the sound of Alma's voice and footsteps. The matriarch entered the kitchen just after her daughter had finished pulling herself together and putting a painfully fake smile on her face. Felix just nodded respectfully at her.

"Yes mom?" she obediently asked

“Mija, could you take some things to Laurita? She just told me that her niece is coming to live in Encanto, and she is interested in taking over her sewing workshop. I would go myself, but I have to accompany my children to the square, Brunito wants a new book and Pepita demanded one too" the woman laughed affectionately, undoubtedly adoring the image of her youngest children "so I thought you could go since you are not busy anyway”

Julieta felt her heart drop and the wound reopen. Not only did it hurt that her mother seemed to forget that she, too, was part of her "beloved" triplets, but the fact that the freshly cooked meal was behind her and yet she was thought not to be busy made her feel even more useless than she already did. But she forced herself to maintain her composure and was grateful that her mother didn't seem to notice that her smile was growing tighter with each passing second.

"Sure mom" she said haltingly "I'll go right away"

"Thank you dear"

Felix watched in silence as Alma left the kitchen, not noticing his presence for a single moment, before turning to Julieta, who only clenched her fists while she tried to calm herself with deep breaths.

"I can go" he said, placing a hand on her shoulder gently.

"No, it's fine, I can do it" she smiled at him "besides, some fresh air would do me good... right?"

"Sure" he returned her smile.

Neither of them mentioned the fact that the tension could be cut, deciding not to make matters worse, they were uncomfortable enough on their own. He assured her that he would take care of the rest of the meal, which she was grateful for as she walked out, leaving her apron hanging on the hook by the door.

_______________________

"I'll wait for you downstairs, my alhelí" your aunt smiled at you, tucking a lock of hair behind your ear "I've already cleaned the workshop, but if you want to remodel it, go ahead"

"Thank you, tía" you answered softly

“I asked Alma to bring me some things that I lent to the Rodríguez, it shouldn't take her long. She will be delighted to meet you”

You just smiled politely and closed your eyes to enjoy the feel of her calloused hand slowly caressing your cheek like when you were a child. The mention of your aunt's friend made you a little nervous if you were being honest. Tía Laura had filled you in on various events as soon as you arrived in town, and although you hadn't really been able to keep up with everything, you had gotten a little bit of the idea that Alma Madrigal and her family were practically royalty here, even though you didn't know very well why, and that they had recently lost their house, but you didn't know why either, a construction failure, perhaps.

An unfortunate fact, really, and perhaps in other circumstances, you would have offered to check if anyone needed medical attention since your aunt had told you that there were no doctors in the town (which shocked you, despite the promises of the older woman that they hadn't needed it), but in your current state and with guilt eating away at your soul, all you could offer was a feeble prayer for them, to whatever god would listen to a broken woman.

"I'll leave you to finish unpacking" Laura told you, taking you out of your thoughts "call me if you need me"

You offered her a weak nod and an increasingly broken smile. You hated the way the tears were starting to pool in your eyes again and your pulse raced. You had already spent too many months crying, it was not humanly possible that you still had tears, you didn't want to, you were tired of crying. Your aunt must have felt it, because without saying anything she caught you in a strong and warm hug, letting her fingers play with your hair.

“It's okay, my girl” she said sweetly “you'll be fine. You will heal"

You really wanted to believe her, you needed it to be true, but the pain was too deep in your chest that you doubted it would ever get out of there. Still, you refused to overwhelm the woman and forced yourself to hold back the tears a little longer, save them for when you were alone. You pulled away from her and forced another smile.

"Thank you, tía" you said again "for accepting me here"

"You will always be welcome here" she told you "as long as I am alive, you will always have a family, my girl"

"I don't know how I'm going to repay you" you said

"Nonsense, you don't owe me anything" she laughed "besides, we haven't had a professional seamstress here in a long time, and I can't imagine anyone more perfect for the job than you, my precious alhelí."

You chuckled softly as she pinched your cheek and watched silently as she left the room. You tried not to flinch too much when the temperature changed drastically as soon as the door closed as if all the cold and darkness inside you had been waiting until you were alone to get back to you.

You looked at the suitcase that was on the bed and the emptiness in your chest seemed to get bigger. You felt fragile and small and defenseless and a part of you was cursing you for having decided to pack… that. Of course, you knew it had been a bad idea, a terrible, pointless mistake. There was no good reason to justify your need to pack it, other than clinging to the last memories of Santiago and the idea of a life that would never belong to you.

Now you had to assume the consequences of that impulsive decision and come face to face with the ghost you had been carrying. You took a deep breath and walked over to the bed, taking the clasps of the suitcase with trembling hands. You knew it would be the first thing you would see when you opened it because it had been the very last thing you had packed.

"I can do it" you whispered "I can do it"

You closed your eyes as you slowly lifted the lid, feeling like a prisoner awaiting sentencing, and after a few seconds, you forced yourself to look down. There it was, your wedding dress, as white and pure as the day you bought it. The veil was wrinkled from the force with which you had taken it that terrible day, but the rest was intact.

You felt as if the white burned your eyes, mocking you. It was as if the fabric knew that you were never going to wear it, that you would never see yourself in the mirror wearing it or walk down the aisle to the love of your life. It was as if the dress knew it was over before it even started. And yet, you hadn't been able to get rid of it. The thought of leaving it behind had seemed like a crime to you, which was why you had brought it with you, despite the damage you knew it would cause. Of course, not as much as the other dress you buried in the smaller suitcase, but you weren’t planning on opening that one yet, not in a long, long time.

You couldn't bear to look at it for more than a few moments, so you quickly picked it up and carelessly stuffed it into a black cloth bag your aunt had lent you, tossing it to the back of the closet, where it would stay until the next time you decided to torture yourself and take it out.

"Hopefully, I'll find something in this place that will make me forget it's here" you said to yourself.

You turned your attention to the rest of your things, unpacking everything quickly so as not to keep your aunt waiting too long, but the dresses never left the back of your mind.

___________________

Julieta! It's nice to see you here, my dear."

The brunette smiled kindly, receiving the older woman's hug a bit awkwardly as she tried to balance the boxes of fabric, ribbons, needles, and other sewing items that her mother had asked her to bring. She had hoped that the walk there would clear her mind a bit, but the feeling of loneliness kept swimming in her chest like a fish in water.

"Same here, Laura" she politely replied "it's been a while."

"And you say it, Mija, it's been a long time since I saw your face"

Julieta laughed softly, silently acknowledging the maternal warmth that characterized the other woman. Laura had become known in Encanto for the beautiful dresses and suits that she made, with unique designs and beautiful patterns, there was no one in town who would not want to have at least one item of clothing from her collection. It had been a shame when the woman had decided to close her sewing shop, saying that she felt too old to go on with it.

In truth, she was only about 12 years older than the triplets, so she really wasn't as old as she claimed, but she had been adamant in her decision, so they hadn't been left with a choice other than accept it. She still took on mending and embroidery jobs, but it wasn't the same anymore, though the woman's warmth and kindness were still well-known and appreciated.

"Mom asked me to bring you this" the brunette said, carefully moving the boxes.

"Oh yes, allow me" Laura smiled, taking some of the smaller boxes to lighten her load "come in, you're home"

Julieta nodded gratefully, following the woman inside. Despite her age, she felt like a child entering a wonderland and she couldn't contain her amazement as soon as she walked through the front door. Laura had always had exquisite taste, and despite the fact that she had only been in her house a few times accompanying her mother when she was little, she still found it a precious place.

There were elegant decorations and handmade embroidery pictures everywhere. The plants that were in the corners really brought life to the room and the soft beige color of the walls made everything feel homey, warm and so familiar that the brunette felt strangely sheltered and safe there. If it weren't for the fact that the images of Casita collapsing still haunted her every time she closed her eyes, she could almost say it was the second most magical place in Encanto.

"You can put that in there, honey" Laura said, snapping her out of her thoughts. "Alma must have been busy."

"Yes" Julieta forced a smile as she left the boxes on the floor "She, Pepa, and Bruno had to go buy some things"

"And you didn't want to go with them, dear?"

The brunette felt as if a dagger was being plunged into her chest, but she maintained her composure. After all, it wasn't the kind woman's fault that she was being selfish and wishing her mother or her siblings would include her in their plans.

“I was just curious” she lied “that's a lot of sewing stuff, can we expect a reopening of your workshop soon?”

“Oh, I hope so, mija” Laura laughed heartily “although not because of me. You know I'm too old for that, but my niece is interested in it."

"Oh yes, mom mentioned that she was going to move here."

"My precious girl, she has just arrived, after I begged her for months" the older woman said, smiling fondly "and I must say that her hands are more skilled, and her designs far surpass any of mine."

"No one could top your designs, tía, but I appreciate the compliment."

Julieta jumped a little at the sudden voice that came from behind her. She turned to see the most beautiful woman she had ever seen coming down the stairs. She was young, with an innocent and passionate aura, but her eyes were loaded with sadness and in her smile, she hid the ghost of deep pain. Still, the brunette couldn't help the feeling of warmth that settled in her stomach, as if thousands of butterflies began to wake up, her mouth went dry and time seemed to stop, preventing her from saying anything or doing anything but looking at you while you. Of all the amazing treasures that Laura had, it was definitely you, the newest addition, the most beautiful.

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Part 19

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 888

Masterlist

Fun fact: I actually wrote a part of this (the obvious email) in Dutch and then translated it with Google Translate so it would be realistic lmao.

I have the key to your place. You have the key to mine. We are that kind of couple.

When you're at work, I sometimes go to your apartment and read your email. I don't like that you have a male friend you haven't told me anything about, even if most of what you talk to him about is me.

Still, (Y/n), can you blame me for being worried? You are not supposed to keep secrets from me. And you don't. Except for when it comes to Greybird@wirrhino.com.

I have to be fast today. Yesterday, you ran into Paco's mom, Claudia. She complained to you that she has to work, so she can't take Paco trick or treating today, and Ron isn't interested. You're too kind, so you said we'd do it. And because not just Claudia, but even Ron actually likes you, Claudia thanked you profusely and said that “that would be great, actually.”

You should know, (Y/n), that I hate Halloween. But, as you pointed out, this isn't about me, or you - “don't you think I would have rather gone to the costume party my boss is throwing, Joe?” No. I don't think you would have. But that’s beside the point.

This is about Paco. And he will be at my apartment in less than two hours.

So I have to hurry.

But your email is just so enticing. I don't find any new exchanges with Grey (I did check just last week), but that doesn't mean there's nothing for me to see. You have a new email from your mother, and it's far easier to copy and paste one long message into Google Translate than it is to figure out texts.

Your mother writes:

Dear (Y/n),

I've had to think long and hard about how to tell you this, but I won't be there this Christmas. Your grandma and grandpa don't want Steef there, so I'm going with him to his family in Utrecht. You are of course very welcome to come too. Steef would like to meet you. I talk about you all the time, my sweet, smart daughter with her great job in America.

Unfortunately, I know you probably don't feel like it. Your grandfather has his claws in you. He thinks everything I do is wrong, and you believe him. That saddens me enormously. All your life you have seen your grandparents as the people who love you. Even as a little girl you didn't see how much I loved you and how much I did for you. I had to look for love somewhere else.

I found that love in Steef, (Y/n). We love each other so much. But I can't start a life with him if you haven't met him. Then help us! I love you so much, honey. Give me that love back and accept that I want to be happy too!

I don't understand why you let your grandparents determine your entire life. Joe sounds like a perfect man. Do you really leave him alone at Christmas and New Year because you are afraid that your grandfather has an opinion about your relationship?

You deserve so much better, Poppedijn. Both of us.

To the stars and back again,

Mom.

Oh. You're going to hate this.

Usually, you and your mom email each other when you want to tell each other things you consider too long to text. Like when you tell her about your day at work, or she talks about the latest drama going on in your hometown. Only once before have I seen you receive an email like this from your mother. When you read it, you completely shut down on me for a week. You wouldn't talk about it. You wouldn't talk to anyone. You called in sick to work and shut yourself inside your apartment.

I can't let that happen this time.

I write a response. I have to translate it and send it back in Dutch, and I know it won't be perfect, but I'm hoping your mother will write that off as part of your inability to string proper sentences together when you're not writing professionally.

mom,

i understand why you have to go to utrecht. you're right, i'd rather not come. but you need to find your bliss.

i need to find my bliss, too, so i think it's better if we don't speak to each other for a while. it's not personal. i'm very tired all the time and i want to focus on joe and i don't want to think about my mom, who'd rather spend christmas with her boyfriend's family than suck it up and see her only daughter.

all my love,

(y/n)

I hit send. Then, I panic and delete the email from your sent folder. Then, I panic even more and delete your mother's email altogether. I even remove it from your deleted files.

What have I done?

Your mom is going to react to this. She is going to tell you about the email she received. Then you will wonder who sent it, and who will all the signs point to? Your boyfriend, who has access to your apartment and your laptop when you're not paying attention.

I quickly replace the laptop and leave.

What am I going to do?

[canirove]

The Princess & the Football Player | Chapter 34

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

"Wow, Ellie. Your face looks so red... Did I catch you shagging Declan?"

"Shagging?" I laugh.

"Yes, shagging. You know what it means, right?"

"I do, Sophie."

"And?"

"And what."

"Did I interrupt anything?"

"No, you didn't."

"Yet!" Declan says as he walks into the bathroom. 

"Ignore him" I reply, rolling my eyes. 

"Then why are you so red?" Sophie asks.

"I joined him and the boys at the gym and then when they were done training we played a little football game."

"Wait, they know?"

"Yep, he told them yesterday. I was starting to bore myself to death because I couldn't leave the apartment or do anything when they were here."

"And how did they react?"

"The new players freaked out a bit, they didn't know what to do or what to say."

"The usual around you, then" Sophie chuckles.

"Yeah... But the ones who were already playing for West Ham when Dec and I were together, were really happy to see me again."

"Because they also know you are meant to be" she smiles. "Have you talked about when you are coming back home? How long do you plan on living there?"

"I don't know. We've decided to spend the new year with Mason and Roberta because I haven't seen her in ages, but nothing else."

"I'm sure she'll love that. But then you could come over. Both of you. We all miss you, and you owe mum, dad and grandmama a chat."

"I know I do" I sigh. "Them, and Charles too. Do you know anything about him? David told me he left for Monaco."

"No, nothing. But he looked so gutted that night… Ellie, he loves you."

"I know he does. But I couldn't keep lying to him or myself. You know it better than anyone."

"I do, yes" Sophie sighs. "Anyway, I better go. Our beloved cousins have invited me to have tea with them and share gossip."

"Enjoy" I chuckle.

"Yeah, enjoy" she says, rolling her eyes. "Once we hang up you'll leave to go shag Declan, while I'll have to listen to Eugene talk for hours about her dog having problems going to the bathroom or how she's fallen in love with a new guy she's met twice."

"You'll be fine, Sophie. You can do it."

"I can, but I don't want to" she complains. "So you better enjoy your shagging, make one of us happy."

"Sophie, we aren't..." 

"Bye, sis. Love you!" she says with a big grin before hanging up.

"So... Are we shagging or not?" Declan says behind me.

"Jesus Christ, you scared me."

"Sorry. But are we shagging or not?"

"Can you all please stop saying that... word" I say as a turn around to look at him. He's leaning on the bathroom's door only wearing his boxers, his hair a perfect mess after training, his arms crossed over his chest and making his biceps pop. And all that while giving me that smile that he knows makes my insides melt. "We are shagging. We definitely are. But one thing" I say as I get up from the sofa. "Please stop using the word shagging."

"I promise, your Royal Highness" he smirks before lifting me in the air and throwing me over his shoulder, walking towards our room while I giggle like an idiot.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"I'm so glad you could come, bro" Mason says, hugging Declan. "It must have been crazy these past days."

"It has, yeah. And it still is" he sighs.

"How long are you gonna be staying at Rush Green?" Roberta asks him. 

"I'm not sure. Eleanor has an event in a couple of weeks and they are planning on letting the press ask her questions so she can explain everything and stop all the bullshit, but she also wants to talk to Charles first."

"I wish she had come. I miss her so much..."

As Roberta says those words, someone rings the bell at Mason's house. 

"I'll get that" he says.

"Is anyone else joining us?" Declan asks.

"I don't think so. Mason asked around and everyone is either staying with their families or going to a party."

"Who could it be, then?"

"I... Eleanor!" Roberta yells, running towards her friend and hugging her.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Eleanor!" Roberta yells, running to hug me. "Oh, Ellie, I've missed you so much!"

"I've missed you too" I say, hugging her back. 

"Aren't they cute?" Mason smiles.

"Very" Declan replies.

"But what are you doing here?" Roberta asks. "Declan said you were staying with your family!"

"That was a little lie, we wanted to surprise you" I say, breaking our embrace. "Oh, shit. I think my hair has got tangled on something."

"Let me... There."

"What are you wearing on that hand?" I ask while scratching my head. "That actually hurt."

"Oh... I just... Umm... We got engaged!" she yells again, showing me the huge diamond on her hand.

"You what?" Declan and I say at the same time.

"Surprise!" Mason says with a shy smile.

"When did that happen?" I ask.

"And why didn't you tell me? I'm your best friend, Mase!" Declan says.

"I know, I know. We just wanted to keep it to ourselves for a while, you know? And since you had enough on your plate already with what happened over Christmas..." he shrugs.

"But you could have told me you were planning on doing it! Ask me for advice when you went to buy the ring, about how to do it… I don't know!"

"I'm sorry, Dec. Please don't get mad."

"I'm not mad, I'm just... You are engaged!" Declan says, hugging his friend.

"I'm so happy for you, guys. But now I want all the details" I tell Roberta.

"Why don't we tell you everything while we have dinner? I don't want the risotto to get cold" she says, linking her arm with mine and starting to walk towards the kitchen. 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Three, two, one... Happy new year!" we all scream, fireworks being heard all around us, the sky full of different shapes and colours. 

"I love you, future husband" Roberta says to Mason.

"I love you too, future wife" he replies before kissing her.

"Can I get a new year kiss too?" I ask Declan.

"Just one?" he says with a cheeky smile.

"I mean, making out with you to start the new year sounds perfect" I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. "And it is a bit cold here in the garden, it will definitely help me warm up. But doing it in front of Roberta and Mason..."

"They are too busy with each other, they won't care."

"Yeah, they won't" I chuckle.

"Making out session to start the year, then?" he says, gently brushing his nose against mine. 

"Making out session to start the year" I giggle. 

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Are you guys naked?" Roberta asks after knocking on the door.

"What?" I mumble. 

"What time is it?" Declan yawns.

"Guys, I need an answer. Are you naked or not?"

"Yes, but you can't see anything."

"Oh, great" Roberta says, storming into the room. "Because I don't want to see your dick first thing in the morning, Declan. That's not how you start the new year."

"That's how I've started the new year" I smirk.

"And you definitely enjoyed it. Have you always been that loud?"

"I… guess? But maybe you heard us because you aren't loud enough anymore. The boring married life has started" I tease her.

"Whatever" she says, rolling her eyes. "Breakfast is ready, so if you want to join us, you know where to find us."

"Thank you, Roberta" Declan says.

"And happy new year!" I laugh, lifting the duvet on his side and leaving him stark naked in front of her.

"Oh my God!" she screams before running away.

"Eleanor Victoria Alexandra!" 

"Yes?" I say, giving Declan my most innocent smile.

"I'm gonna have to do something with you. That behaviour isn't appropriate for the future Queen of England."

"Something like what?" 

"Remember that time you tied my hands with my belt?"

"I do. It is a very fond memory" I smirk.

"Well, it's time I get my revenge" he says, leaving the bed.

"It's been years, Declan! Time to move on!" I laugh. "What are you doing in the bathroom?"

"I needed this" he says, showing me the bathrobe's belt.

"And what are you going to do with that?" I ask, biting my lip in anticipation.

"Lay down. Hands over your head."

"Yes, sir." 

"That's perfect" he says after tying my wrists together. "Are you comfortable there or is it too tight?"

"I'm good."

"Great. Now open your legs. Wide" he orders me again.

"And now?"

"Now I'm gonna eat you out, and then fuck you until neither of us can't keep going. And you can't put your hands down. If you do, I'll stop or go so slow you'll start begging."

"That won't happen" I smirk.

"We shall see" Declan replies with a similar smile before disappearing between my legs.

[fragileizywriting]

watched a recap of a romance erotica book called twisted love and i'd never heard of it up until like yesterday when i watched the video bc i have no idea what's going on in the tik tok world as well as the book world because i'm very bad at doing my hobbies. anyway, jesus christ what a wreck of a book. i can fix this. i can make a better adaption. i can write this story but better.

HERES HOW WE CAN STILL WIN, (felinette version woohoo o/ !!)

marinette, our main character, is a college student going for fashion design in paris at the age of 25. she's bright and bubbly and cheery, who works very hard at school and part-times at her parents bakery. she has a boyfriend— well, had a boyfriend— adrien agreste, known socialite, who had spoken wax of poetry over and over and over about how much he loved her, telling her that as a graduation present he'd buy her a boutique, an apartment, a car...... he decides to ghost everyone in his life after a breakdown, seemingly moving out of the city, for reasons that i haven't figured out just yet. i just need him to kick himself out of this city.

marinette, of course, is heartbroken. this sucks. she's grieving so hard.

enter felix, adrien's identical twin brother who has nothing to do with this, barely existed in her life up until now, but is attempting to snatch his brother right back from whatever dumb, impulsive ridiculous thing he did— adrien had a girlfriend, a solid apartment, a solid life, adrien had mentioned that he was so close to asking marinette to marry him...— finally knocks on marinette's door one afternoon. identical twin yet marinette has barely talked to him; the man's busier than anyone should be reasonably allowed to be, and isn't much of a sunshine as adrien is. i will routinely mention in this book that the light in marinette's livingroom/dining room makes felix's hair look whispy and nearly white against adrien's sure-fire sun-like flare of hair. even though felix's eyes are green just like adrien's, they're somber, and almost bluish at times.

marinette, obviously, wants nothing to do with felix.

"please leave," she tells him, because she's tired and lonely and is craving yet another box of icecream she keeps in the freezer for— well, moments like these, really. apparently. she's going to cry herself asleep for the fourth week in a row. girlboss behavior. "i kind of don't want to deal with your entire family right now."

"i understand," felix says, and he doesn't look all that convincing, because the man is standing there, awkwardly, hands fisted at his sides trying to figure out how to speak to her in a way that implies more than 'i've only ever seen you for a few hours every christmas when adrien invites family over and i'm the only family he has because our parents are all levels of fucked up and we don't really need to talk about this in depth right now'. and then, as a garnish, 'i've always been really thankful that adrien miraculously turned out fine from the whole ordeal considering that i had to go to therapy for multiple years, decades, in fact, to deal with our family, and i always thought he was fine everytime i'd see him probably four times a year, but apparently not, at all, and now i'm stuck dealing with his grieving... ex? girlfriend? ex??? and i don't know how to deal with women at all because i am an introvert the size of the moon but i'm really trying, here'. "i just don't think it's best to leave you alone."

"i'm fine," she replies, completely ignorant to his inner monologue. "i can handle myself. i'm an adult, felix."

and yet felix has the audacity to look— kicked, really. "i'm aware."

"could you give me some space?"

"of course." and then, because felix just apparently is all sorts of weird tricks up his business sleeves, blurts out: "not as much as i've always given you, though. right?"

"what do you mean?"

"i don't feel comfortable just leaving you completely on your own." there is an attempt for marinette to refute, to open her mouth and mention that she's still twenty-five, she's an adult, she's not a baby, and felix refutes it with a hand up in the air. "you're grieving because of my brother and i don't like the idea of not doing something about it."

and so, through reasons that i cannot at all comprehend how i will get here but i have to if i want to match (somewhat) the plot ("plot") points of the original book i'm rewriting, felix ends up (temporarily) moving into an apartment next door, for no other reason other than to make marinette feel safer and comfortable. just stick with me. ideally, there would be a plan of some kind here. for now, since this is only a tumblr post, i can just handwave that away. that's not my problem just now.

some of the main fixes i would make sure to change immediately is to change felix from a "ruthless alpha-lone-wolf dog behavior" to "i'm adrien's older brother (they are still twins but felix will routinely mention he's still the oldest born) and i feel a psychological, traumatic need to take care of him because i can't let my younger brother have any trauma from our parents, i refuse, i refuse, and if that means keeping his life together for him while he's gone, i'll do my best" and that means making sure that marinette is, at the very least, fine and not dead. that's a good plan. but as he spends more and more time with marinette, the more he realizes his mistake; he likes her as a friend, likes her a lot more, is impressed at her skills and slowly starts falling in love with her which is honestly very useful.

at some point, i'd have to have them have a solid "i'm not using you to replace him," she cries. "i just— love you." conversation. it's an important one. and a segue to the back half of the book that is just sex.

another thing that i would change from the original story is the ridiculous b plot of dark secrets and betrayal and incidents, because that's not necessary. i could carry this book entirely on sex alone as well as mutual pining. and felix's sad, kittenlike eyes whenever he's upset.

okay i'm done for now i gotta go clean the kitchen. please enjoy this

[kirihotto]

Stay PT.1 {Suga X Reader 18+}

→ Rating: 18+ Minors are strictly prohibited from engaging and reading this content. It contains explicit content.

→ Genre: Friends to Lovers

→ Summary: You and Yoongi have been friends since high school. Busy adult life means seeing friends less and less. His roommate's departure date and your week off, line up. You plan to spend a few free days with Yoongi. Catching up like old times. 

→ Word Count PT.1: 3 243

Disclaimer: All members are face and name claims for the story. This is entirely a work of fiction and by no means is meant to be a projection, judgment or representation of real-life people. All works are purely for entertainment purposes.

Published: 03/22/23

Inspiration: Ari Abdul - Stay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally a break. Working nearly everyday to earn not nearly as much as it feels. I was finally able to meet with Yoongi again. Our lives had been whisked away by work after highschool. So we haven't seen each other as often since graduating. We had been friends pretty much through all of middle school. Though throughout the highschool years we got a lot closer. We were just friends. Nothing more. Even though everyone suggested otherwise. We would shut down the topic of us dating as soon as anyone shot us a questioning glance. Tons of Girls were all over him. Hell, even some of the guys went for him. But as long as I've known him he has never been in a full on relationship. No, not dissing. I wasn't really the dating type either. My friends and family are all I need. With this break from a new hectic life I would finally get to hangout with them again. Yoongi and another member of his band, Hoseok shared an apartment. His bandmate would be out of town for this week. We both didn't have to work. So Tonight i will finally get to see him again. I've been starting to miss him…

“What are you all smiley about?” My roommate Mona questioned. She was another one of me and Yoongi's friends from highschool. We ended up rooming together since we both worked close by. She joined me at my seat at the island table scrolling on our phones. 

“Well, Mona I don't have to work for a week. And...”  I bragged glancing over the corner of my phone to catch her reaction. 

“And?”

“I’m going to Yoongi’s place for a day or two.” I stated quickly. Her eyes finally met mine. A sinister smirk came across her face. She didn't even have to say it. I already knew. 

“Oh ho~ no work and your boyfriend. Luckier than me.” she sassed me wandering toward the fridge unbothered. 

“He’s not-”

“Your boyfriend? Yeah I got that. But he clearly likes you. I know you used to like him in middle school. Girl, how long you been single? A long time. Which means you still like him.” She was stating the truth. I did have a thing for him in middle school. That's why we even became friends. Because I liked him, I tried to get closer to him. Which worked, but we never actually dated. I never ended up telling him I liked him. Although You do have to admit he is very attractive. Hang on a sec. He likes me..?

“Wait. Did he tell you he likes me?” my head shot up at the realization. Is that why? Mona shot me a frown with a raised brow.

“No. Obviously not. If he didn't tell you anything, he wouldn't be telling me. You're going there tonight anyway. Ask him yourself. Or y know you could always start things with spice.” She winked at me before returning to her room. I sat dumbfounded for a moment. Start things with spice? OH!

“Are you nuts?! I don't even know how to flirt!” I yelled at her from the kitchen. But now she brought it up and the dumb idea was floating about in the back of my brain. At the very least to ask him about liking me. It did always bother me that he never told me about any of his crushes or love life, Like I had told him. But I never did end up telling him that I liked him. I slumped over the chilly marble table I had been perched at. "Ugh. I don't know… we'll see what happens."

After an interesting morning I began to get my things ready. Though I wasn't going over until later today, this was the first time in a while I had free time. Tidying the place up as Mona left for her shift. The sun lit up the usual cool floors. Jamming to my music while folding the usually crumpled up laundry. All topped with a smile. I packed up my bag for the night and that's when my thoughts started to wonder again. Did he like me? why did he become friends with me? 

"Right. I planned to do some shopping." Tossing my worries away by the hot water running down my frame. The smell of sweet strawberries filled the bathroom as I desperately scrubbed it through my untamed hair. By the time I had gotten dressed up and gathered my things it was already twelve. I slid on a rather unusual outfit. A snug black turtle neck and pleated skirt. A pair of white knee highs to contrast. Lastly a pair of black high top converse. With my bag I was out the door. 

First I made a stop at the mall. Grabbing a few snacks for the night. Some of Yoongi's favorites as well as mine. Picking out a new necklace and shirt for myself. A little gift for my hard work y know. Browsing the mall to pass the time. Sipping on boba I had picked up along the way. After endless wandering I took a seat at an empty food court table. Although I had been so excited to meet with Yoongi, I was now getting nervous. Time is passing by so fast.. I had planned to meet him at around three and it was already two forty five. The things Mona and I talked about kept running through my mind. One thought after another tapioca pearl. Did he like me? Do I like him? Should I ask him? Then the last sip of my boba. The last pearl. Spice? nearly choked when the idea came to mind. I shook my flustered cheeks and tossed out the empty cup, making my way to Yoongi’s. 

“Yoongi! Where’s my bag!” An upbeat voice called out near the door. I was currently standing in front of their apartment. The black sleek door, laced with a silver number and slender handle. As for the voice who had been calling the sassy cat-like man. Was none other than Hoseok. After the exchange of a few more words I knocked on the door. More shuffling from inside. I stood awkwardly in the doorway. Another tenant shot me an odd glance after hearing the ruckus behind such a fancy door. Finally the door swung open. Hoseok was the one who greeted me. His light brown short fluffy hair all styled up for a show, his outfit full of accessories. Arms wide open with a huge smile. “Hey! F/N long time no see! Here to keep Yoongi company for me?” 

“Something like that..” My heart flew to my throat once I finally saw Yoongi after Hoseok's bear hug. Though he wasn't wearing anything fancy, a simple black hoodie and ripped jeans. His dark hair had gotten a lot longer since we last met. Even though he had never had long hair. It now sat at the sides of his cheek bones, even longer in the back. It suits him rather well. Yoongi's hand resting on the back of his neck. The many silver rings and earrings he had been wearing were now visible. He stood awkwardly next to his energetic counterpart.

“Don't smother her Hoseok.” He sighed, nudging him out of the way more. Hoseok complied but puppy pouted. 

“Good to see you again F/N! I have a flight to catch. Have fun.~” Hoseok beamed, dragging his bag down the hallway. Leaving the two awkward friends together.. Alone..Yoongi’s gaze caught mine.  My heart was still all over the place. My stomach doing flips. Seriously. We are always so close. Why was there this silence between us? Was he nervous too? Upon further inspection pink dusted his cheeks as we eyed each other down. I still stood, bags in hand in the hallway. 

“Ahem.. apologizes. Come on in. the mess.. Hoseok packed last minute. You know him..” Yoongi scoffed, Closing the door behind me. Grabbing the bags from my hands he set them on one of the fancy marble counters. Then wandering off to the living room picking up random pieces of clothing fired everywhere. While I struggled taking my shoes off at the door. Finally I made my way inside. This was my first time inside his place. Though I've been at the door before to pick him up or meet with him. I've never seen the inside. It was a lot bigger than expected. The whole place was very dark toned. The furniture was almost all black leather. A few small decor pieces such as pillows or the rug were in grays and whites. Other than the few accent pieces full of rainbow crazy color combos. Which of course were Hoseoks. Yoongi met with me near the door as I soaked in everything. He stood with his arms crossed and held a little smirk. “You like?” 

“Wow. it's so dark.” I remarked. My mind was running a mile a minute. Scanning the new place, trying to find things to say or talk about. So really that’s all that would come out. 

“Well. That's because it's evening.” He chuckled to himself slightly. Losing his serious posture. 

“R-right... I brought some stuff.” I went over to the bags of stuff I had brought hauling out some goodies. Showing him one by one like a review channel. He nodded in agreement. 

“I appreciate it. But you didn't have to. Thanks. Here you have your bags with you. I’ll show you where you’ll be staying” Without saying another word he grabbed my bags. Leading me down the hall from the living room. Following his lead to another dark themed room. The walls were dark gray, the rugs black and white. Even the sheets were black. Upon further inspection I was greeted with a computer set up, a mic and..

“Your guitar.” I blurted out. Yoongi on the other side of the room, placed my bags down on the small leather couch. Looking over his shoulder at me. 

“Yeah. it is. Though I don't often use it to record. But I play on occasion. Hope my room’s alright.” Yoongi stated, stalking his way beside me. His gaze fixed on his guitar while I focused on his features. Like studying a test paper. His gaze shifted to mine and we briefly met. Until I turned around and wandered outside. So this was Yoongi's room. He must be staying in Hoseok’s room for me. What is this weird tension? We're like best friends. Maybe it's just because it's been a bit. He joined me outside the room, his slender hand on my shoulder. “Wanna get some food? You pick, I don't care either way.”

“Oh yeah. Uhm? How does jejuk sound?” 

“Sounds good. I'll call it in.” He smiled making his way to the kitchen, reaching for his phone. He tapped away at it for a moment. “You pick a movie, We can start after I order.”

“Sounds good!” I replied. Finally things were easing out. It must have just been that it's been awhile. I've missed this. Not that I've ever been here before. But just relaxing with him. Yoongi’s silk-like voice spoke over the cell hovering by his ear. I made my way over to the large black couch in front of the decently huge TV. Searching the glass tables for a remote. 

“It’s already on. Connect your phone to it.” Yoongi mumbled, flipping the hair out of his face. Continuing the call. He must have noticed my awkward searching. Sitting properly I scrolled through movies we hadn't seen. This was something we used to do often. Watching shows or movies together in highschool. There had been many movies we missed due to our time apart. After scrolling I flicked on a show called ‘coffee prince’. A/N: (Just so you know I only read about this and have no idea what happens in it. Just making it up as I go bare with me T.T ) Honestly it didn't matter if what we watched sucked or not. We would find a way to bond over it somehow. Yoongi flicked off the main bright light, leaving only the TV and kitchen lights. Then sat next to me on the couch with a flop. Running his hands through his silky hair. Resting his elbows on his knees as he slouched over. 

“Food will be here in twenty minutes or so. Wait to get the snacks until we eat?” Yoongi questioned, flopping back on the couch. While I sat stiff, upright. 

“Yeah. dont wanna get full first right? How’s this show?” I gestured, making him look toward the TV my phone had connected to. 

“Sure. Why are you so tense? Relax.” He instructed. Placing his hand on my shoulder once again. Though it was a signal to help me relax, my shoulders tensed. He shot me a questioned yet concerned look. 

“Ahh haha it's just… A new place! I'm not used to things yet. I'm ok. Let's just watch.” total bullshit. I was nervous. What is wrong with me? Am I seeing things? Did he always look this good? 

“If you say so.” He retorted, smirking slightly. Unpausing the first episode the binge began. While scanning the interesting content playing before us I sank into the couch. Finally relaxing and leaning back. Yoongi too leaned back comfortably, his hand resting on the back of his neck. The arm closest to me resting behind the couch cushion. Finishing an episode of the show and the doorbell rang. 

“Right. Dinner. Be right back, we can eat here while we watch.” Yoongi groaned, placing his hands on his knees before standing. I paused the show as he walked off toward the door. Wallet in hand. After little conversation and a small bow, the fresh food smell swarmed the house. I jumped up to help him. Searching for the chopsticks as he pulled out the plastic bowls. Again. I knew little about the layout of this place so I was struggling. He snickered, drawing my attention. “That drawer there. You just couldn't wait huh?” 

“Well. I felt bad.”

“For?”

“You’ve carried my bags, You paid for my food, I'm making you watch a show I picked, wasting your time off and i’m sleeping in your.. room…” My fiery protest ended up making me blush rather than teasing him. I stood in front of the drawer he had pointed me in the direction of. 

“Wasting my time off? I’m glad you showed. It’s been awhile, yes?” Yoongi said slyly, running his hands through his hair. A new found silk in his voice as he spoke. Maybe it wasn't new. Perhaps it was just me paying attention. He now stood in front of me, looking down at me. Meeting his gaze he chuckled. “A little food is no big deal either. If we can hangout, food is a price I'm willing to pay. Are you gonna keep standing there or what?”

“Right! This drawer?” I fumbled about. Opening the drawer we had been standing in front of. My palms sweaty as I handed him one set of silver chopsticks. Rushing back over to the couch, hot bowl in my hands. Placing my dish in front of me on the table. Stuffing my face even though it was hot. Yoongi followed suit. Sitting next to me. Watching me stuff my mouth, my cheeks pinkened. But I didn't even care. 

“Are you alright? You seem off.” Yoongi questioned. Turning to his bowl, blowing on it calmly. 

“Yeah. I'm fine! Just hungry.” though it was a lie. I had been dying to ask him about highschool. If he’d ever had a partner. A crush. Or liked me?! It was driving me mad. 

“Wanna continue this show?” Yoongi signaled his head toward the TV. grabbing my phone, I flicked it back on. Though I had picked the show at random it was pretty good. Shocked to see Yoongi this into it as well. Usually we would chat between boring scenes. But there really weren't any. The couple was quite enjoyable. Something I would mind being like in a relationship. Not something I was expecting with such a title. Let alone something Yoongi would be into. I needed to break this silence. 

“So. What's with the long hair?” I questioned. Finishing up my meal. We were already on the third episode. 

“I haven't  booked a haircut. Thought it looked ok. What you think?” Now he was questioning me. After Yoongi spoke he turned his focus to me. Ruffling his hair as some kind of showcase. Swiping it back again. What do I think? Honestly. It looks fucking great. 

“O-oh yeah it looks good on you. You’ve got nicer hair than me.” satisfied, Yoongi's half chuckle and focus went back to the TV. I had tried to break the silence. But it only seemed to add more. The plot continued to pull ups and downs. The two main characters fall more and more in love in their youth. Yoongi and I haven't spoken since episode three. We were now on five. We had finished our meals rather quickly and snacked on what I had brought over. Some snacks and ‘drinks’ of course. Honestly they helped calm my nerves. Which I didn't expect I'd need until this morning with Mona. I was not in my right mind. And this film wasn't helping. Being all lovey dovey.

(Spice)

 As the romantic scene got more and more intense the silence felt loud. Yoongi’s leg bouncing slightly. Moving the cushion we were both placed on. My mouth hung open after attempting to move the tension somewhere other than the TV. His hand balled in a fist next to his bouncing leg. Attempting to avert my gaze back to the TV but now it was all about Yoongi. He gnawed at his bottom lip slightly. His chest rising and falling somehow relaxingly slow. The spirals in my stomach aching for attention. Ok wow. This is a lot at once. My leg started to bounce alongside Yoongi’s. forbidden thoughts flooded my mind as my gaze fell lower..He clicked his tongue and began to stand up, hands on his knees. Oh. wow. Uhm. I guess he liked this.

“W-wait.” I did it. Finally calling out to him. Grabbing his fist that sat now on his lap. As I clung on desperately. Like I knew I had wanted to for years but was too scared. He shot me back a gaze I couldn't understand. But that slight blush and awkward look away told me all I needed to know. He was embarrassed. And it was fucking adorable. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to have grown claws, making me cling to him. Our thighs touching. Breaking the distance between us. Finally, My small voice broke through the fear and the now silent room. “Uhm.. sorry. About this. I had no idea what this show was about. I didn't bother to check the rating.. Listen. We’ve been close for a while.” 

Yoongi shot me a confused yet worried look. in no attempt to leave. I'm sure he wasn't expecting what was going to come out of my mouth next. Honestly. Neither did I. 

“I picked this show.  And uhm.. It's my fault your.. Y know.. So. Teach me how?” ok really what the fuck. I sound desperate.

“What?” Yoongi cleared his throat. 

“T-teach me how to give a blow job.”

[accirax]

Last few greetings before the season ends, LET'S GOOOOOO!!!!

https://youtu.be/heUPDg0QLwE?si=X_q1L2dFYnHtCWsa

https://youtu.be/p31yYs7l1nY?si=gN1kUQkGTJ2kjufW (Yup. Yup. I can see why Aiden fell for him. I mean not that there weren't other obvious reasons before but.. My God those low notes-! 😳💘🙈)

https://youtu.be/BOOezXQgLTc?si=fWax5lo8nbXHgbxH (Well I still haven't forgiven Ellie but I guess I should be happy that at least Lake has, or whatever. 😒)

https://youtu.be/tMY1U6RVvtl?si=3RorOpYI_4-iMt8r

https://youtu.be/dXjo_zBpDoc?si=riEGte_iJ5Yk7JzK (so he did find out about Ellie's trick in ep6)

https://youtu.be/QHOv5gOBRp4?si=f5tS1dZjQP43psjL

https://youtu.be/I-tATYsGDyo?si=6ypPY8GCXfrA1icJ (Loved this one~ 😄)

https://youtu.be/5fL-1S_3nRQ?si=7VQauoH-shmZe6Z4

yay!!! let's see if i can actually knock these out before the episode airs, this time.

:D

wow, what a beautiful outfit! and i love the spotlight effect, too; whoever animated this greeting clearly had fun doing so. i should really listen to more Olivia Rodrigo. pretty much every song of hers i've heard snippets of sounds like a banger, i just don't listen to straight up pop that often.

Yup. Yup. I can see why Aiden fell for him. I mean not that there weren't other obvious reasons before but.. My God those low notes-! 😳💘🙈

okay, i swear when i said what i said about Olivia Rodrigo i didn't know that a Nico Collins song was going to come on next! i actually do know a couple of Nico Collins songs (Borderline, Hate Me, and Our Way Out), and i think James did a lovely rendition. it's fun that Aiden and James now both have white princely outfits, even if Aiden's is more royal while James' is admittedly a prom king fit. "God, I love my voice!" made me laugh out loud. what an icon.

Well I still haven't forgiven Ellie but I guess I should be happy that at least Lake has, or whatever. 😒

it's interesting to me that Lake expresses worries that staying in the game longer might have made her a worse person too, given that that's the moral Ellie wound up learning this season. i guess Lake is just the master of seeing herself in Season 1's most morally gray contestants. i'd say it was a redhead connection, but even in greetings i've never seen Jake with fully red hair.

oh, so Lake does canonically live with Rosa now! i thought she might've just been visiting Rosa on vacation or something. that's a pretty big move, to go from living in Germany with your family to living in Mexico with someone you only met a few weeks ago, but Lake's family sucks and Rosa is awesome, so i understand where Lake is coming from.

so he did find out about Ellie's trick in ep6

so, actually, looking at the comments section on the greeting...

the trick that Tom was referring to was actually the one that Alec and Fiore came up with in Season 1, to have Ellie lie to Jake to tear Tom and Jake apart. i actually hadn't realized myself that Jake had been told that Tom had a boyfriend other than him twice, in s1 and DCAS. if i had a nickel...

anyways, Tom's outfit is super cute! i like how it's still predominantly blue, like he was still on the Cyan team but he tried to sneak over and pretend to be Magenta instead.

WOAH, English Tom and Spanish Tom sound way more similar than i'd realized. i couldn't even tell at first when the English greeting switched to the Spanish one. his new hairstyle is very interesting, and very idol-esque. i wonder if the patches on his jacket have any meaning other than looking nice.

Loved this one~ 😄

that power scream was so funny. i know that people were (lovingly) making fun of Raitix with how hard he went on the wolf howl in the Patron name readings after he was eliminated, so i wonder if making him yell was at all inspired by that. also, i don't think i've ever heard anyone describe what Goku is wearing as "classy" before. between this and the My Hero Academia knowledge, Alec seems to be shaping up as a secret anime nerd.

"slander Jake? that's way too easy, where do i even start?" giant Fiore does sound like a gag that the show would pull that's very in-character. i wonder who in the heroes alliance would have been the best at taking her down, if you imagine that Fiore came back instead of Connor. maybe Ally, if she could stretch up close to Fiore's height? or, i guess if Aiden could, like, run through the meat of Fiore's leg like he ran through Alec's entire body, he could incapacitate her pretty easily. Aiden is kinda OP.

Oh! Forgot one more -

i... did not realize that Ashley was friends with Tess or Ellie, but, you go girl. she does seem to have the ability to be friends with anyone. i was wondering if, as an artist, Tess would pick something more along the lines of illusions or being able to bring anything she drew to life, but being a healer totally fits with her sweet personality. maybe she could have helped Ally and Connor after Yul, Grett, and Gabby got to them.

[fbfh]

The only time I feel the urge to write angst is about dad!Tony and Iron fam so if anyone wishes I'd write angst more today's your lucky day. Thinking specifically about how on the nose my heroes by kimya dawson is. You're 14/15, barely in high school, not even old enough to get your license yet. You're still processing the whole ultron/sokovia disaster when your dad and Steve start fighting. You watch helpless and in horror as the people you've considered family for so long start falling apart, and soon Natasha and Steve and Clint are never at the tower anymore. You haven't seen Thor in who knows how long, and everyone that did stay is so stressed and upset all the time. Even your dad's on edge. Soon it's just you and your dad and Rhodey and Bruce. Half of your family disappeared over night, people you really thought would always be there for you, and now you haven't seen them in weeks. You miss Clint making everyone dinner and Steve telling you about what's real music and Natasha talking to you about your crushes and giving you advice. You have no way of knowing this, but being away from you is killing them, especially Natasha, and they have no way of knowing how much you really miss them. You try to bond with Wanda a little, but she's still processing everything that happened, so you try to give her space. Your dad keeps telling you Steve will come to his senses eventually, but you just wish they could talk this out. You know there has to be a better solution but all the documents are about such complicated politics and legislations they're almost incomprehensible. You stay up late at night, pouring over legal documents and articles on international politics trying to make sense of everything. Your hotel room in Germany is only a few away from the new kid he recruited for this stupid fight. You don't know much about him, just that he goes to some stem school in the city. You knock on his door, and in spite of the late hour, he answers. You hope a fresh pair of eyes will help, maybe he can help you figure everything out. And that's how Tony finds you, sitting across from Peter in your hotel room surrounded by books and binders and documents, scribbling ideas into notebooks, trying to come up with some sort of plan. Peter doesn't know why this is so important to you, just that it is, so he tries to help as much as he can. You're close to tears, Tony can tell with one look at you, he always can. He asks Peter to give you two a moment so he can figure out what's going on. The question barely leaves his mouth before he pulls you into a tight hug as sobs wrack through you.

"I just wish everyone would stop fighting..." your voice is muffled as you choke the words out. The wind is knocked from his sails, all the fight in him evaporates in an instant as he realizes that you've had to watch the avengers, who have been helping raise you and effectively been considered family for the last five or so years, crumble in front of you. He holds you tight, rubbing your back and reassuring you.

"We're gonna figure this out. No more fighting, kid. I promise."

As soon as he gets you calmed down and ready for bed, he sends a message to Steve, asking how soon he can meet up to try and talk this out. As soon as they sit down and listen to each other, remembering they're doing this for you and Bucky, they're both determined to find a compromise they can both live with.

[moodmother]

They's a Crowd

In between sips of macchiato, Zenith types away furiously. Oh this, this is a good one. The latest post for their blog, They's a Crowd. An invective against the oppressive tyranny of romantic love and family bonds.

"Do you really believe that?"

Zenith never saw the stranger sit down, but there he is on the other side of the table. Meticulous strawberry beard, sharp twinkling eyes. A sudden faint whiff of heather and iron in the air.

"What?"

"All that. That your friends should prioritize you over their lovers and children."

There is no way for the stranger to have seen what Zenith is writing but they are caught up in the righteous heat of their conviction. "It's about economies of care! How am I supposed to survive." In their fervor, Zenith almost spills coffee onto the keys of their MacBook.

"Indeed."

"Last week, I was feeling depressed so I texted my supposed 'best friend' to see if we could hang out. But he had promised his wife that he would take her out to the movies. Well, fair enough. So I asked if I could come along--and he said 'No!' Well, what about my social needs? Just because she's his 'wife,' just because he's bound by the patriarchal institution of marriage, he can treat me like I mean nothing? And just last night, I didn't have the spoons to make myself dinner. I put out a message in the group chat, but of course you know what day it was."

"Mother's Day."

"Right! So nobody would come by and cook me a simple meal, because they were all having dinner with their mothers instead. I had to go hungry, because our heteropatriarchal culture arbitrarily values parent-child relationships over non-biological kinship."

"I see. And you couldn't have just gotten UberEats or something?"

Zenith scoffs. "I'm supposed to pay more to live because I'm single and don't have anyone to care for me? And you know those delivery apps are so exploitive. It's better to order from the restaurant directly. But then I would have to call for delivery, and I have social anxiety."

"Oh, well, of course. So what you're saying is, it's important to the cause of queer liberation that the lives of everyone in your social circle revolve around you."

Zenith's brow furrows. "Well, I--"

"Would you say that you desire that? For your friends to prioritize you above all else? To care for you, feed you, cater to your every need? Do you…wish it?"

"Well, yes! My life is just as--"

But with a Cheshire cat smile and a twinkle of his pale gray eyes, the stranger has vanished.

+++

That evening, Zenith receives a text from their best friend: come over for dinner tonight?

When Zenith obliges, both their friend and his wife are all smiles. "Oh, don't get up Zenith. Let me get that for you. Have some more. You know we really love you, Z. We haven't shown it enough. You mean the world to us, we really need to prioritize you more. Have some more. Let me get you some more."

Zenith goes home grinning, stuffed to the brim with food and love.

+++

The next day, all of Zenith's friends turn up at their door.

"We've all been talking, Z. We wanted to tell you in person: You're the most important thing in our lives. It's time we acted like it."

From then on, Zenith is hardly ever alone--except when they ask for a little time to themself, of course. Someone is always ready to lend an ear, or join them on the couch or on a walk or even in bed when they require some company. Their every need is promptly and lovingly met. Their bed is made, their clothes and linens washed and folded. Their apartment is swept and scrubbed. Appointments are scheduled for them, and they are ferried dutifully to the doctor, the dentist, the store, the cafe, to where-ever they wish. The dishes are done--done often, as there is always a home-cooked spread at mealtime, and always a snack or morsel whenever Zenith feels the slightest bit peckish.

Zenith is never hungry for more than a moment--and this has a dramatic affect on their waistline.

Outgrowing my clothes! they post to their blog. Hot fatty summer!

+++

When Mother's Day comes again the following year, all of Zenith's friends' mothers turn up, smiling and tutting. Each one prepares a dish, her specialty, and insists that a now very fat Zenith accept second and third helpings.

When clothes that fit become very hard to find, Zenith's friends are happy to make some.

When it becomes too difficult to climb the stairs up to their apartment, everyone pitches in to rent a new one. A ground floor unit with nice, wide doorways.

When initimate personal care becomes impossible for Zenith to tend to on their own, there is a rotating roster of volunteers ready to bathe and dress them.

As Zenith steadily expands, caring for them becomes more logistically complex, a full time affair. Spouses, lovers, and relatives are enlisted to join in the work. Always happily, always with a smile. "We love you, Z. Anything for you."

Perhaps things are getting a bit out of hand… Zenith thinks, fleetingly. It is a bit inconvenient, as the wider world is not made for people who are as large as Zenith has become. But then a twinge of hunger distracts them, and they reach for whatever treat--a cookie, a brownie--is always there at hand, piled tidily on a platter, warm from the oven.

+++

In the midst of Thursday night board games, a timer dings.

"Whose turn is it to check Zenith?"

The designated attendant happily jumps up and bounds into the bedroom. "Need anything Z? Some more water?" "Unnh," a thick voice groans in reply.

Propped up on the bed, covering the entire surface from edge to edge, is a huge heap of flesh. Pampered and stuffed day in and day out, Zenith has grown too fat to move under their own power. Their world is confined to the four walls of the bedroom now.

"Thirsty?"

A cup of fresh water is held to their lips so that they can drink. Their friend has to lean close against their side to reach their face where it rests upturned atop the mound of their body. Deep within their immense belly, their stomach growls.

"Ah, hungry!"

Zenith's mind rebels. Their round, useless hands twitch in impotent protest. But their body responds by opening their mouth to welcome the morsels that are gently pushed into it. Because it's true: they are hungry. So very hungry. Their stomach has been stretched to cavernous capacity. Their body has grown accustomed to a constant stream of food, and it has been over an hour since they last ate.

Tears pool atop their great flabby cheeks as they are fed, eating and eating until temporarily sated again. This is their existence now. Washed and petted and lovingly tended to. Fed. Fed and fed and fed, helpless to do anything now except eat and grow.

Once they are finally satiated, for the time being, their friend cleans their teeth and wipes their face. The bedframe creaks ominously.

+++

"Hey, I think Z is lonely in there."

"Hm. Makes sense. I wish they could join us out here, or that we could all fit together around a table."

"They deserve to literally be at the center of a space, since they're the center of our lives. You know? Right in the heart of everything."

"It's definitely something to think about."

From the bedroom comes a CRACK and a thud and a pitiful, muffled yelp. Everyone leaps up and rushes in to soothe and settle their beloved. The bedframe has collapsed beneath the burden of Z's immense and ever-climbing weight.

+++

They've dubbed themselves the Z Crew, and so the new place is called the Z House. A nice big house, with the first floor built on an open plan.

They moved Z into their new, permanent home just in the nick of time. Had they waited much longer, Z would have grown too large to move. As it was, transporting them was an expensive and delicate affair. Hydraulic equipment was needed to lift Z off of the flattened mattress in the old apartment. Walls were removed, a crane and flatbed rented.

But in the end, it all went smoothly. Now, here in the airy, light-filled space, rests their beloved Z. The living heart of the home.

The Z Crew is always happy to chatter and coo at Z while they go about the unceasing work of feeding, washing, and tending their beloved, but Z themself cannot speak anymore. They have swelled into a monstrous blob. By now their weight is unguessable. Their hands and feet and limbs have long since disappeared into their general mass. There is no neck, no discernable head--only eyes, nose, and mouth sunk deep into a mire of flesh, upturned toward the ceiling. Lips always parted, ready to receive the next morsel of food.

The Z Crew has to climb up on top of Z to feed them now. The slopes of Z's body have become a cherished communal space, where friends recline and talk, lovers cuddle, and games and meals are enjoyed. They are all blissfully content, now that Z has crowded out every other care and commitment and become the center of their lives forever.

As for Z, they have forgotten what it was like to be anyone or anything else other than their friends' burgeoning beloved. They know nothing but fleeting hunger and sweet satiety; the shifting warmth of their friends' bodies against their own bulk; and the inescapable sensation of their own unfathomable weight.