#i just did | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chaosduckies · 2 months

Text

Restoration (Chapter 4)

I am absolutely brain dead. Anyways, a little bit of lore on Ryker because I’ve barely given any on him, andddd Lucky is back!

Word Count: 4,100

CW: Fear, Panic attacks, Anxiety, (I think that’s all for this one)

4-Nathan

After yesterday I couldn’t help but feel bad for Ryker. He didn’t lie about staying after class and talking with Mrs. Kay. He stayed behind and talked as I rushed my way back home. I had no idea what they talked about, or what we were going to do. Not that I had a decision in the matter.

If Ryker hadn’t caught on that I was terrified of him after yesterdays display, then I don’t know how he’ll figure it out. Just being with him for half a day and I almost immediately curled up on my bed and cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t help that I was scared. I was broken in all the wrong places and whatever pieces that were missing weren’t going to be found anytime soon. It’s just, that I kind of wish I’d be able to apologize for the way I had acted to him yesterday.

Guilt built up inside me the longer I thought about it on my way to school. My mom had asked me the night before how everything went, and I just told her it was okay. It most definitely was not. I felt scared, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. My stomach twisted at this horrible idea I had in my head. I hadn’t even made it to the front doors of my school before my knees nearly buckled underneath me.

A few shaky breaths and I forced myself through the hundred of students. My heart pounding in my chest, the way all the voices around me were muffled, the way I felt dizzy. This was a horrible idea. Even my own body knew that.

I made it to the classroom, mindful to keep closer to the wall so I’m not stepped on as people moved around trying to get their newly-made friends. The mini-office was closed today, meaning that Ryker would be somewhere in this classroom, and it wasn’t hard to spot the same black hoodie in the back of the classroom.

He was on his phone, looking like he was texting someone. Not my business. What was my business was how I was going to apologize to him. I owe him so much. This was my bad idea. Mainly for me at least. I probably won’t be able to get the words out. Or I might stutter every second and he’d be confused. Heck, I might talk but it’s be quiet and I’d have to repeat it all to him. I only really had once chance before my body shuts down on me and he’d see yet another pathetic display come from me.

I made my way there, noticing the slight uneasiness on his face. He was still texting. Good news for me then. He won’t have to see me struggle to walk even closer than I’ve ever willingly done before.

Today, the elevator up was the longest trip I’ve made yet. Everything felt slowed once again, but this time a rising anxiousness built up inside. What would he think of me afterwards? Would he think I was the small, puny, bug he probably thinks I am? What was I doing? This was a bad idea.

As soon as I heard a ding, I took a deep breath, hoping he was still texting away on his phone. It took me a while to convince my body to move, but I managed it. My mind pictured the same torturers in front of me. Smiling with a wide grin as I limped over as they had intersected me to. I’m not there anymore. I had to remind myself before peaking out and nearly letting out a squeak when I realized his attention was all on me now. Even if he still had his phone out, his gaze was on me.

I retreated back into the safety of the elevator, hearing him finishing whatever he was typing and shove his phone back in his pocket. Suddenly everything was so loud to me. Was that normal? I don’t think so. My mind was racing and my heart was beating so fast it might just rip right out of my chest. Was it out of fear?

Even though I know Ryker saw me, he never said anything. Nothing at all. Great. Something else to apologize about. I knew this was a bad idea from the start. If I hadn’t came up with this dumb plan, then maybe I would of had an easier time getting out, but now that I know he’ll be giving me his full attention, all confidence was sucked dry out of me.

I kept Ryker waited for what felt like hours for me. But the bell still hadn’t rang. Nearly five minutes had passed. He was oddly patient. Or maybe just another trick to make me blindly fall into another cage. Tears stung my eyes, but I wiped them away before they could fall. Just do it. Nothing could be worse than being kidnapped and tortured. So, whatever Ryker was going to do to me eventually, he might as well do it now.

Even though my body screamed at me to press the down button on the elevator and get the heck out of here, I stayed put. I wasn’t just going to make Ryker deal with my insolence and not apologize for the way I act. I’m pretty I’m the cause of all his stress lately. Just another thing to feel guilty about.

I took my first steps out for what seemed like the first day all over again. Ryker was tapping on the desk rhythmically, one hand holding his head up. It sounded like a familiar song, but I didn’t focus on that. I focused on taking my extremely shaky steps towards him. It wasn’t long before he caught sight of me, sitting up and keeping his hands on the desk. I was not counting on that, but I’ll just deal with it.

I hate how hard it was just for me to say “I’m sorry.” All the fear in my body was taking control and telling me to head back, but I just had to force myself to stay. The closer I was, the more my heart seemed to skip a beat. The more my breaths became more frequent. A panic attack now was the worst time.

Once I was as close as my body would allow, I took time to calm myself down so my words didn’t come out slurred or stuttered as much. Yup. All this just so the guilt would go away. It would be worth it in the end.

My head wouldn’t look up to see his reaction, so I just had to guess that he was just as shocked as I was. I opened my mouth to speak, but no noise came out. Great. I knew this would happen. My voice never fails to stop working when I really needed it. Just great.

I heard moving, which made my head pick up instinctively, seeing that Ryker was standing up, a sorry look on his face. Wait no… Did I do something wrong? Why wasn’t he talking? Was it because I was taking too long? Did he finally grow tired of me? No. Nononono. That’s not what I wanted. Why can’t I do anything right?

He placed his hand on the edge of the desk again, the same look on his face. I did do something wrong, didn’t I? The realization hit me like a cannonball. Whatever I did, he obviously hated me for it. Even more guilt gets piled up on top of me. How do I manage to mess everything up when we’ve only really “hung out” for one day?

I opened my mouth to try again, but nothing comes out. Why does life hate me so much? I just wanted to say I was sorry for everything I’ve done and way I act. Heck, I was even going to apologize for the incident at lunch the other day. He shouldn’t of had to save me.

My body was acting on it’s own, taking a step back as my body trembled and I hung my head down in defeat. I knew this was a bad idea.

Ryker’s hand moved to the side as he sat back down, his hand too close for comfort but I brought it upon myself for being this close. My entire body felt like crawling under my blankets and crying myself to sleep. Life really did hate me. I just wanted to talk… Even if it meant I couldn’t keep the conversation going. At least apologize. That was my only goal for the day. That long with surviving anyways.

“Are you all right, Nathan? You don’t look too good…” He had asked me. And I made the mistake of shaking my head in all honesty.

———Ryker———

My heart fell. I’ve never seen someone so afraid and shaky before. Never.

What was I supposed to do? Nathan’s never talked to before. I know nothing about him. He could say the same about me, but still. It’s just that I didn’t know what he was so afraid of. I don’t want to force him to do anything, and the only real way I know how to calm a person down is to hug or give them what they need. I live with five siblings I have to take care of, they feel comfortable around me so I know what calms them down and what doesn’t.

Nathan is comfortable around me.

I didn’t know his boundaries, I didn’t know why he seemed like he wanted to do something but couldn’t, and I really didn’t know how to calm him down. Hands weren’t even an option since I’ve noticed he jumps and scoots away every time I was getting something from my bag yesterday. I’ve noticed that he moves away from me when he thinks he’s in my way. And I’ve most definitely noticed that he never does anything unless he knows for sure it was okay to do. Looking for validation before doing anything.

Looking around the room, there were still a lot of people trying to get around before the first bell. Not that I cared though. I was more worried about what to do. I knew absolutely nothing about him. Only that we were both seniors.

Nathan stole a quick glance up at me, hanging his head down almost immediately. But I swear I see him trying to speak. Was that what he was trying to do? Was he self conscious about his voice or something? Or was it just that I was making him nervous? Most likely the second since every time he does try to speak my attention is always on him. Was that why he was scared? He didn’t like attention? I didn’t know.

He picks his head up again, but I made the mistake of looking down once again and seeing his mouth forming words but nothing coming out. He covers his mouth and ducks his head again. That was it. He doesn’t want me to watch him say whatever he was about to say. Social anxiety?

Still, I can tell he’s trembling like crazy and he’s not even in my hand yet. I noticed that yesterday too. Just what happened to him?

I tried making up ways in my head how he would be able to talk without me paying attention, but nothing came to mind. If anything, I just really wanted to hear what he was trying to say to me. I don’t even care if it’s something rude towards me. The little guy already has a hard time just being comfortable around me, so I think it’s a step forward if he’s trying to talk. He probably would hate me if I had called him that nickname though. It suits him though. He’s shorter than most humans, and he seems like a really sweet guy.

“If you’re trying to say something you can take your time. We have all week. I can wait.” I gave a smile in hopes that he wouldn’t dwell on this the entire day. I haven’t mentioned anything about the lunch incident either since I guess he didn’t want to talk about it after he just ran off. Oh. Maybe he felt guilty for running away?

Shaking my head at the thought, I let out a hand for him to get onto. It worried me that he could never keep his balance when he had only taken one step on, but he had never done it before. It’s expected. Maybe later on I could help him out with that? Then what Mrs. Kay told me yesterday hung in the back of my head.

“Nathan has trouble being around giants. I’m just using this class to get him used to it. The real world won’t be so kind to him if you don’t do this. Plus, I’m sure you’re the perfect one for the job.”

What did that mean? How was I the perfect one for the job? Almost everyone in the school avoids me after my parents… never mind. But still, everyone thought I was so mentally unstable that I could be thrown into a psych ward any day now. I didn’t appreciate the statement, but part of that isn't wrong. So how was I supposed to help him?

Nathan took shaky steps forward, and cautiously climbing into my palm, but still managed to fall over. I would help, but he doesn’t like being touched. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t know how to do this. It just takes some time, and I’m very patient.

We did the same thing as yesterday. Sat down in class and as placed my journal full of unused notes on the desk, he moves away. I didn’t know if he thought he was in my way, or if he just didn’t like being near anything that he thought would kill him. There was no telling. It wasn’t like I was going to just blindly throw something on my desk without taking into consideration that he might be freaked out by that. Especially since he’s just a little taller than the width of my fingers.

I remember when I first saw him, my first thought was: He’s really small. And that’s saying something since I have a younger human sister that’s barely turning five this next month. But I also thought that he was really nice. And he is, but it’s not in the way I had imagined. What was he hiding that made him so scared?

———Nathan———

Stupid. I was so stupid. I completely exposed myself to Ryker, and all he did was say that I could take my time. Why was Ryker so nice? I wasn’t used to that! Coming from a giant too? No. It’s a definite lie. He was somehow patient with me even when I took all the time in the time in the world. Every single time I’m overthinking something or just really torn up, he gives a smile, like he knows what’s going on in my mind. I was so confused.

The day went by fast, and nearly every class period I tried to talk. Heck, at this point it would be great just to make any kind of noise, even when I know that he’d laugh at me. I think it was 6th period when I managed to get a word out, but he didn’t hear me. As expected. Why was this so hard for me?

During his seventh period, he set me down by the human sized doors and sat down on the same couch as before, reading the same book as yesterday. The other three people sat at the table playing Uno yet again, laughing their butts off while the librarian was putting away some books.

I headed through the doors of the human library, seeing that there was an entire freshman class in here. That was surprise. Probably getting books for a project or report or something. Though, I did spot one familiar face as I sat down on the couch in the corner. The one that saved me during lunch the other day. Lucky.

It was maybe fifteen minutes after their class had all grabbed whatever books they needed and sat down talking. It was loud, but it’s not like it bothered me. I mean, I was supposed to be in calculus right now. I’d much rather prefer this.

My head was buried in a book when someone had sat next to me. I nearly jumped, but just looked over to see that is was Lucky. Why would he even come over here to me? Wasn’t he supposed to be with his class? Obviously it didn’t stop him from talking to me. Wait. Maybe I could ask about Ryker? They seem to be good friends even though I’ve never seen them talk besides on Monday.

“You’re…. Nathan? That’s what Ryker called you, right?” He had on a smile and still sat almost an entire head taller than me while sitting down. Makes sense. But it was kind of embarrassing when a freshman was so much more taller that their upperclassmen. It makes me feel even more insecure.

I replied with a nod, never looking directly at him. I was scared he might say something. Just like a list of my many, many fears.

“Why’d you run out the other day? Y’know, during lunch?” How did I know he was going to ask that? Someone would have eventually. Just, I didn’t expect it to be brought up so casually. I mean, why did he even care? Did I make him angry by running off? Did I hurt his feelings that I didn’t give an apology or a thank you? I cringed at the thought, but I knew I had to face it.

“I… Um, I was scared. So I-I’m sorry for r-running, and th-thank so much for g-getting me out of there.” I bit my tongue for stuttering the last bit. At least if he’s angry at me I’ll know that I did thank him at least. That’s one guilt off my chest. Still, I have to tell Ryker, and he’s harder to talk to given that my own body goes against me every time I try to talk or even get the slightest bit closer so he can hear me. Life hated me so much.

“Anytime,” Lucky had started, “My brother said something about some kind of project with you two? I wasn’t paying attention.” Brother? Where did that come from? I don’t even know who he’s talking about. Was he in my class? Was he one of the people watching as I failed miserably to make some kind of interaction?

“Brother?” Lucky’s eyes shot wide, then he bursted out laughing. Did I do something wrong? Or embarrassing? And suddenly, I felt dozens of eyes on me. His whole class was looking at us. I gulped, burying my head. This was fine. Just ignore them and they’ll go away, yeah…

“Well, I’m the adopted one, but Ryker is my older brother.” Lucky explained to me. Oh. What. How does that work? Ryker was a giant, and Lucky was human. It’s not entirely abnormal for a human to be adopted by a giant family, but I never understood how they even live through that. Even if the human manages to escape, they’re legally owned by that family. But besides the point, that made things a million times harder for me. Anything I said to Lucky, he would tell Ryker. Great.

“So how’s that project going?” Lucky had asked, a chuckle escaping his mouth. I shook my head, groaning. I don’t need to be reminded that I was making things harder for Ryker. It’s not my fault! I guess in a sense it is though. Since my mind obviously can’t forget what happened a nearly a year ago.

Lucky pulled out his phone, texted someone, the shoved it back in his pocket, “You get used to Ryker after a while. He’s a nice guy.” So everyone’s said. I believe them though. Ryker’s done nothing but be patient with me and try to make some kind of progress on getting me to open up. I’m the problem.

Lucky’s teacher had called everyone to get back to class, letting him know to leave, “Oh hey, you should come over on Friday. I heard that was part of your little… trust exercises?” He smiled and left with his class. What? He knew about that? Did that mean Ryker has talked about me to him? Oh that did not bring me any peace of mind. Not at all. If he has, what has he said? That I was impossible to deal with? I was infuriating?

And suddenly I wasn’t so confident about this week anymore.

———Ryker———

Lucky had texted me that he was talking to Nathan. I mean, that offered some kind of relief, but not entirely. Lucky could be… ecstatic at times. Especially when he was meeting new people. Or when he was around Dylan is was five times worse. Luckily, that wasn’t possible so I didn’t dwell on it too much. But, I did plan on inviting Nathan over to my house this Friday or sometime during the weekend. Since Mrs. Kay denied my request to take this off the long list of things I already had to do. Not that I would mind him over. It’s just that he might be a little surprised to see everyone.

Nathan seemed a little more uneasy after his talk with Lucky, which really worried me. What did Lucky say? Or better yet, what was Nathan thinking? It seemed like the more important question. I’m sure Lucky told Nathan that we were brothers, but I doubt he told them about everyone else. That would have been a lot to go over. Not that he won’t find out eventually. Nathan still hasn’t said what he wanted to say this morning. Whatever it was. I was anxious to hear, but at the same time I knew he was having some problems.

Last period was the same as yesterday. Just another day to get to know one another better, but I’ve made no progress at all. I’d like to at least know what his favorite color is at this point, but I’m sure he was wondering the same about me. I haven’t told him anything about me either.

Currently, Nathan was sitting on my desk facing me just like everyone else. Not what he usually does, but that’s fine. Maybe Lucky had actually helped him instead of freaking him out? Maybe. A slight possibility.

“Everything alright?” I had asked, easing some of my relief. I was actually really worried about him. I’ve never encountered someone so afraid in my entire life, and that was saying something.

He nodded his head, playing with his hands. Nervous? I could never tell with him. How do I break it to him that Mrs. Kay is making him come over to my house? She knows that it can get a little chaotic and with my newfound knowledge that he has a hard time being around giants, this might not be the best match-up. I’ve noticed that Nathan doesn’t like people acknowledging him or even looking at him. Does it give him anxiety? Probably. Explains why he was struggling to talk to me. It only made me feel even more bad for him.

I guess if I was going to tell him it would be now. He’d have to know anyways, “Hey, um, I asked about you not being able to come over, and she just said that it would be better if you came over anyways. I’m sorry, really.” I saw him cringe back and nod his head sadly. I wondered why he was so uncomfortable with the idea of going over to my house though. Him knowing about my… predicament is something, but he didn’t know. So it was really weird to see him so scared and shaky when Mrs. Kay brought up the idea yesterday.

“So how does Friday sound? We have a separate human part of the house if you get too overwhelmed and I’ll take you back home anytime? How’s that?” I tried to somewhat calm him down, but for some reason I think it might have the opposite affect on him. Oh good going Ryker. Just great. Give him another reason to be scared.

To my surprise, he nodded. This could either go horribly wrong, or great. Only one way to find out.

———————————————

This chapter for some reason was hard to write so I’m sorry if it’s not like the past three chapters. I’m pretty sure I wrote half of this at three in the morning so if it sounds weird that’s three a.m. me. Thank you for reading though! Asks are always open if you have questions about anyone!

#Restoration #g/t #g/t writing #g/t community #gt #Oc: Ryker #Oc: Nathan #sfw g/t #Giant/tiny #g/t fearplay #g/t angst #You get lore this time!!!#Oc: Lucky #I don’t know why I loved writing this chapter #I just did #Thank you for reading!#Lucky is just silly

20 notes · View notes