#i just feel so so sad and lonely and tbh today has been

[1980ssunflower]

i really wish i could serenade my husbands rn :-c

[youraveragemushroom]

♡

[l4deeznuts]

getting emotional because it’s finally hitting me that the l4d fandom is so small nowadays :c

don’t get me wrong, it was never a big fandom anyways, even years back when it was at its most active

it’s super awesome that there’s still people a part of it to this day!! people still are making content, whether it be sfm, art, writing, etc… but it hurts that there’s not much, let alone not much frequency either

i totally get it tho. it’s a damn near 15yr old game, and not to mention a game that was basically just killing zombies lol. it doesn’t have what most fandoms want— deep lore, a storyline, lots of characters, etc. it makes sense that the fandom side isn’t going to be super active, especially today. hell, i was absent from the fandom for about 9 years. i just recently got back into it about 2 months ago or so. life definitely gets in the way.

and like i said, at the end of the day it’s just a first person shooter game.

but l4d was one of my first obsessions. i’ve been in many fandoms before, but l4d is the only one that i genuinely clung to. i’ve never been so invested in characters like i have with the survivors (the si too!)

i saw someone say that even tho they love the game and characters, have so many ideas for fics and sfm and whatnot, it’s basically hard for them to continue because there’s just no sense of community feeling anymore… and it’s because there’s almost no community anymore. it’s so hard to admit and accept that :/

and what makes me even more sad in a way is that tf2 is still a huge fandom. that’s super fucking awesome, nothing wrong with that at all, but it makes me sad that one valve game is super popular still fandom wise, while the other one isn’t.

the game community side of it is still active— on average there’s about 20,000 people playing per day. the highest i’ve personally seen recently has been almost 40,000 people. that’s super cool for such an old game!! but the fandom part of the game is so empty..

hopefully as time goes on there will be older fans coming back like how i did, or even new ones finding the fandom side and sticking around! i really don’t want this fandom to completely die.. if it ever does, a piece of me will always feel missing. already does tbh. i know that sounds super fucking corny but fuck man idk i have yet to find anything that makes me feel like how this game and it’s characters do. no show, movie, any other game.. nothin.

but it’s hard to actively be part of something that already isn’t active because it feels like you’re talking to a wall. it’s lonely. you want someone to gush over everything with, share ideas, role play— the list goes on.

i plan on continuing my love for the game and it’s fandom, and all i can do is appreciate the ones who are still here, and hope n pray that there will be more people again someday <3

[tetstuff]

My First Blog

hello world. I was supposed to just write this but i am lazy these days. But im planning to jot down things that happens to me daily like i used to.

Today i woke up with no voice. Later on i found out on tiktok that "whooping cough" is prominent in my country. That explains it. I have been just lazying around lately. Got no motivation whatsoever. Well today, let's just say, i felt that i was truly alone. Even in the game i am playing where no one knows me so I could be anyone i want but no. I am still alone. I am still the same lonely introvert. The past months i have these 2 people i have been talking a lot about life stuff. One is a girl and one is a boy. They helped me cope with my mishaps last year and last january. (BTW im sorry my i's and i'ms dont have apostrophe. I couldnt be bothered tbh) just a little background. I was supposed to graduate last January but since i failed i had to extend 1 semester again. Plus, the tomboy i have been talking for 8 months suddenly just didnt want me anymore. All in the same month so it was really hard for me. Those 2 people helped keep my mind off things but lately they stopped caring. The guy was just busy with his work. The girl lost interest in what i say and she also has another group of friends. She has been playing with them everynight basically replacing us. Or me. Thats what i feel. I feel replaced. I dont control her. Its just sad that i cant retain a friendship. People always end up ghosting or leaving me for (i guess) someone else better. Its a sad day but you know i can distract myself. Tomorrow maybe i will make an animatic for a song i like. I will just also mention this here. Another insect tried to go in my eye so i will wear sunglasses everynight.

That's all thanks for reading.

March 22, 2024

[udon-udon]

-has a day off- -naps for most for it- 

honestly i’m feeling very overwhelmed this month, i got a dentist appointment today as well (which i am always deathly afraid of and i know i have a cavity, so theyre going to chew me out on that too...) and said cavity will result in me needing to go back to the dentists again to have it fixed, I have a couple of doctors appointments upcoming as well, I have a few birthday dinners to go to (which i kind of dont even want to plan tbh) and then i have my visual novel writing to worry about which is worrying me a lot cause im midkey not feeling this year’s and the pressure (that i’m putting on myself) makes me want to procrastinate on it and man i just dont have a clear vision for it/think that this year’s game might be a let down for a lot of people which sucks. I mean i guess i could... rethink it and re-write it but also at the same time, do i have time for that... 

i haven’t been drawing as well, and if you’ve read my previous text posts, inspiration/motivation has been hitting me so much lately but i can’t cause i have to focus on writing to get writing done on time;;; UGHGHGHG so i’ve been holding back on that. My period didn’t come in September (and not yet for October), so idk I feel like i’m forever PMS-ing until i bleed TMI oops. And said PMS is making me think sad thots from time to time so that Sucks.

I also feel kind of disconnected with people and kind of holing myself, though i dont have many people to talk to in the first place tbh;;;; so idk i guess i’ve been feeling more lonely than usual (thanks PMS) (but also that doesn’t mean i want to talk to necessarily anyone). Most of my closer friends have been really busy so it’s just been kind of quiet. I might stream this coming Friday with a just chatting stream/just working stream cause I kinda miss streaming (and hope to god i can multitask, even though i know i can’t multitask). I’m also most likely going to do a birthday stream where I just doodle and draw maybe? stay tuned for that i guess

and also work has just been.... ok. as always i feel like i’m not contributing or doing a good job but here i am 🤪 also i feel like my performance has not been the best lately and idk i’m afraid to hear it hahahahhaha

I just can’t wait until the visual novel is done with in December (which is god damn, the first ((or well, actually i kind of felt like this when I wrote Love Goes Toward Love as well, but i feel like this year even more so))). I won’t be taking winter commissions this year as im just gonna CHILL and draw the things i’ve wanted to draw or play some games idk, I JUST WANT TO CHILL, this past year has been pretty hectic, I stressed about the last few months of school, graduated, got a job, was really busy in the summer with commissions and cons, so yah.

thank you for listening to my ted talk 

[vulgarpr1nce55]

ugh idk why i’ve been feeling so lonely these past couple of days my friend was supposed to come over today but she hasn’t said anything about it :/ and i was supposed to hang out with someone last week but she never texted me back i just need social interaction man. or more work to do. hopefully i get hired again too. sigh then at least i’ll have something new to work on. i have one comission i couldnwork on but it’s just background stuff and tbh i fucked up the background idk what imma do fr but she can’t pay me yet anyways so i don’t feel pressured to get around to it anytime soon i cleaned my room i’ve showered my hair is clean i watched a movie this week i organized all my presents i ahvent written cards yet my room is vacuumed i haven’t ate but honestly i’m kinda sad so i don’t feel like it. i trimmed all of the cats nails and brushed them the litter is clean food is full they’ve had water and i fed my turtle i really don’t have anything to do except for sit on the couch i guess i could try and call savannah but i think she has work so nvm i am LONELY. i am alone and this girl left me on read so i guess i’m boring #cheese gonna take my pain meds and maybe cry

[woozi]

MA YZAAAA <3 (hehehe)

first of all,, hello <33 how have you been? and what have you been up to? <3 i hope classes and uni in general are not getting to you that much.

also the drama i told you about "doom at your service", after finishing it my opinion has changed a little, it was a nice drama overall but after the first 8, the story seemed like it was being stretched for no reason </3 i have nothing to watch these days hdksekks this time last year i had 2521 and business proposal to keep myself entertained but this year there is nothing 😭 even gose isn't here </3, did you find something interesting to watch? or read? i haven't had time and will to read hsjsksjs </3

but today i did go out of my comfort zone and watched a movie called medianeras (sidewalls), it's pretty melancholic but i liked it, ( idk why google or some reviews are saying it's funny or rom com 😭, it was actually sad and reflective but had a good ending imo) it's about how urban and internet lifestyle have had the opposite effect on people and have made them feel lonely despite having everything in one click. it was,, different. probably something what i was expecting from chunking express jshdjsjsnns

but in midst of all this i love love how booseoksoon came through 🥺 they brought back the spark hdjddj i love all the songs ( tho just like you, i love fighting and 7pm a little bit more than lunch ), it was so wholesome to see them have fun performing 😭 also youngji's feature fits so well <3 i can't stop talking about it hskdks it felt so natural <3 i haven't been this satisfied with a feature song in a long while ( same with 7pm ). if there was anything else fighting! needed it was definitely her. it made me so happy to see bss performing with her and peder <33

they made my feb for real.

( also something about leader seok gets me fr, he's been extra glowing these days <33 love that )

also the carat day live 😭 they all looked so good 😭😭😭 i missed seeing our sebongs together <3 the teddy bear scenes are still running in my mind lmao

i actually got mild cold and cough last week so at the moment that's what i have been up to : recovering from it and trying to read a book dhdjsj, seasons changing got me this time. it'll be summer now here and i'm already tired of it tbh 😭 how is the weather treating you? i hope it's good

omg also, i've become obsessed with checkers on plato btw! ( i've understood the basics of it but the difference between the original and the international rules is still slightly confusing for me udkgsd )

hope you're doing great yza 🥺🤍 sending you lots of good energy and clear sky days

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT GAVE ME GRIEF U ARE SO CUTE </3 MA CHERIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

i've been so so busy the past two months so it's like life's on 3x speed for me dfjkfdjkfdjkfd but it's my last semester anyway so <33 JKFDJKFDJK HOW ABOUT U <333333 HOW HAVE U BEEN WHAT HAVE U BEEN UP TO!! 😋😋😋

ALSO NOOOOOOO THAT SUCKS </3 maybe the writers didnt think they'd get that far lmfao 😭 AND I KNOW </3 that was such a good era for dramas, i hope they come out w really good ones </3 i heard the glory's v good? but i personally haven't checked it out yet and i'm not really into revenge type dramas so dfjkffd but i've been watching movies more these days!! i've been trying to watch cult faves/classics that people always talk about and that i've never had time to watch heheh ALSO SO TRUE ABT NOT HAVING THE WILL TO READ 😭 idk why it's also so hard for me to get back to it, i used to read like, 2 books a week at a leisurely pace

JUST CHECKED OUT THE POSTER FOR IT AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD OMG????/ thank u for adding to my reco list <3 ok but your review… felt tbh 😭 AND NOT CHUNGKING AGAIN FDKJDFJKFDJK I'M HAVING WAR FLASHBACKS FROM IT

EXACTLY <3333333 bss really came at the perfect time!! and u're so valid for that <33 i'm really glad they had the chance to collab more w/ other artists, esp peder!! not only was the song so fucking good, their interactions were also so sweet to witness 🥺 he seems like such a nice guy to hang out w LMFAOOO AND WAIT URE SO RIGHT??????????????????????????????????????? leader seok >>>>>>>>>>>>

i'm ngl i haven't even watched it yet i just skipped to the teddy bear part 😭😭😭 i only got to see clips of them, and REALLLL it feels like it's been forever since we last saw them tgt 😭

ALSO NAURRRRRRRRRRRRRR </3 that's such a pain in the ass :/ i hope you're feeling much better now and that you won't get sick any time soon!! there's only 2 types of weather where i'm from since i'm in the tropics, so u dont need to worry abt me <33

AND PLATO FJKFDJKFDJKF I COULD NEVER THANK U ENOUGH FOR IT i've avoided so many awkward moments in uni bc of it JKFDJKFDJKF also didn't know they had different rules 👁👄👁 what i do know though is that other ludos have different rules as well w the 1s and 6s which i only figured out when i played w someone else at another platform DJFDJFDJKFDJK let's play some time again if u're free!! <3 or we can also watch a movie 😋

hoping u're even better and that the days are endlessly kind to u as u have always been to me <33 love u thank u for always checking up on my disappearing ass 🥺🥺🥺 MWAH

[majorbaby]

[asks you about your BJ/Frank/Margaret headcanon] [scared] [intrigued]

[Extremely theoretically, this is a thought exercise only but the postmodernist/crack ship enthusiast in me cannot back down from a challenge]

How do BJ and Margaret and Frank end up fucking?

tbh, despite Margaret "I hope I find a man like you" ... Houlicutt makes me recoil in horror, and not in a fun way! I can way more easily see Hunniburns (i am just... naming ships today) and that is not without great difficulty either.

so i'm going to start with something a little easier: How do BJ and Frank end up fucking? and we'll deal with Margaret later...

So one thing they could have in common is the both of them having deeply repressed gay feelings. Maybe Frank drunkenly confesses to being unhappy in his marriage, talks about yearning for something else but stops short of actually saying what. Frank has in the past had some homo subtext with various military guys, most notably Col. Flagg in a much less combative way than with Hawkeye who flirts with him all the time.

BJ's not a military guy but he's definitely more into the masc thing than Hawkeye and he makes it a point to express that ("We're not guys" BJ: "I thought I was" / "We'll go dancing in [uhh grand central station? idr]" BJ: "I lead"), and is your all-american 50s husband.

And as I said earlier, Frank was really into BJ as he appeared on paper.

Frank being into BJ? Check.

As for BJ... idk man, it would need to be a fuck or die situation I think. And Margaret's there to like, supervise. I am highly partial to bottom-BJ but there is no way I can see Frank topping BJ Hunnicutt, so it has to be the other way around and I think Margaret might be kinda into that. Like if it's happening anyway, she'd probably prefer to watch than not watch. Actually Margaret watching Frank Burns get railed is a promising premise for a fic. Okay, there, I did it. There's my sexy* BJ/Frank/Margaret take.

*debatable

Wait. Or, or, or... Post war, post gay-crisis, post breakdown of both the Burns and Hunnicutt marriages... perhaps they find themselves sad and lonely in a bar somewhere, both of them drink too much. And then BJ and/or Frank looks up and sees a familiar face, and I suppose if their lives had fallen into such truly dismal states, totally outcast from their circles, then any familiar face would be a sight for sore eyes. Theoretically, BJ might've walked through Indiana on his way to Maine to fall into Hawkeye's arms, so maybe he makes a pit stop at this bar. And they're both broke and Frank doesn't wanna go home so they share a room... stranger things have happened I'm sure.

I can't work Margaret into that one, but look, bonus BJ/Frank setup.

Because it is somewhat related to this topic and because I've been known to do callouts for crackships and rare pairs in the past and because the show provides one, let me pre-emptively share my only reaction to BJ/Margaret as a ship:

[myadhdsays]

So I’ve been doing this thing where I stop trying to be the initiator of plans with friends. Like yes I will occasionally have a small get together for some type of holiday or event but other than that I’ve mostly stopped asking people if they want to hang out with me. Well you know what happened? 99% of my friends (which is already a small circle) have not attempted to make plans with me. Like ok I know we are all busy, we are still in a pandemic, and I’m a depressed bitch who almost never leaves her house but DAMN I’d like to be invited to things! Like I get that I maybe won’t get along with your “group” because I am a neurodivergent weirdo who can read peoples intentions easily, but if you’re friends with me isn’t there a chance that I might be able to be friends with your friends??? I think for a while I convinced myself that it was me actively hiding but it’s not. It’s me not being the one to make the plans so no plans happen… I’ve been so fucking depressed and so fucking lonely. Talking with people online is fun and I do chat with these friends online too but it feels like no one wants to hang out with me. I see them posting all these lunches, meet ups, get togethers and I just don’t have a group like that I guess. Anyone who I would consider my friend group actually has their own friend group that I am not in. Another factor of course is that some of my friends live far away and I don’t expect to see them so it’s cool. But I do have some folks who are local or close to local yet still I only see them if I am the one to make the plans. I’m not saying I would actually attend all these lunches and events but fucking hell I wouldn’t mind being invited occasionally. And I’m sitting here like I think they know “invite your depressed friends even if they might not come” but none of them fucking do it for me and it hurts ngl. Maybe I’ve framed myself as the one on one friend because that’s my preference but just to be invited and have the option would mean so fucking much to me. Because i work from home I have very few reasons to leave my house and tbh I wouldn’t mind knowing there are other chances. Like even if on the day of or day before they were like “hey going to lunch today/tomorrow would you wanna meet up with me & with (insert name of person I don’t know but I know my friend is friends with)?” I might be busy or too depressed or too overwhelmed; but I might also be dying to get out of the house for a couple hours. So yea if I’m honest with myself my feelings are hurt and I feel like I don’t have friends like 90% of the time. My husband is my best friend and we hang out all the time which I adore. But he is literally the only person who makes plans with me and that’s just fucking sad. My friends who live near don’t even have kids (I don’t either) and they still don’t make time for me unless I’m the one asking them to. I’ll probably beat myself up about this later and tell myself not to act like a victim and I have to make my own life happen. But I’m in my feelings right now and thinking about this I’m just hurt. I have thought about making new friends but at this point I have to work more on my anxiety before I can make friends with a total stranger that I have no mutual friends with. I know I isolate myself but no one fucking tries to hang out with me so I also feel like I’m just being isolated by others. I’m 100% sure this is related to my adhd and my potential asd is some way and it fucking sucks.

[philhoffman]

Revisiting an old and familiar favorite for this week’s Monday Philm — Happiness (1998), dir. Todd Solondz.

I’ve been meaning to watch more Solondz movies and get familiar with his style so today I made myself a little sick on him tbh — three of his feature films (Welcome to the Dollhouse, Palindromes, Wiener-Dog) and all of his NYU short films, then tonight’s screening of Happiness (my first time watching it on DVD instead of a low quality torrent!). While that crash course was... a lot, it also very clearly defined his work. He has such an easily identifiable style, you may not like it, but no doubt you can recognize it within 30 seconds.

I honestly don’t like Solondz’s films very much, the humor isn’t my style and the fucked up stuff seems more cynical and outlandish for outlandishness’ sake than witty or valuable social commentary. But I’m glad I watched them to get a better sense of how Happiness fits in. It’s definitely my favorite of his films (heavily biased by PSH as Allen Mellencamp, obviously). But it’s also... bolder? than many of his other movies. If it’s going to go there, it goes there fully, recklessly, which I respect — it’s much more biting than Palindromes a few years later, for example. Which makes it funnier, too.

Happiness is also Solondz’s longest film, which is a benefit. Aside from maybe Dawn in Dollhouse, these are his strongest characters because you get a chance to really know them. Many of them are disgusting, despicable people, or sad and lonely, but we see them for what they are. And the cast is especially wonderful anyway, I really loved Camryn Manheim as Kristina (so sensitive) and Lara Flynn Boyle as Helen (so vain) this time around.

It’s impossible for me to be normal about Allen so I won’t even try. It feels way too reductive to call him “the incel blueprint,” a description I’ve heard before — he’s like every stereotype of the horny, nerdy, socially awkward computer guy yet he bodies it in a totally original, fleshed-out way. In one of his interviews with NPR, Phil talked about developing Allen’s voice and his physicality, picturing him as a guy just collapsing in on himself. His voice, his hunched-over posture, his gaze down, just totally withdrawn and therefore only reaching out in obscene ways. Allen can’t even keep up the charade over the phone after he’s called out. He’s gross and oblivious, he’s kind of a loser, and he’s also sort of sweet...? Maybe I’m projecting bc I know I could fix him 😌 but his weird little... partnership with Kristina is touching, and one of the “happiest” endings a Solondz character gets (Life During Wartime doesn’t exist to me.), no matter how brief.

At any rate, some of PSH’s best work — there’s an early moment in the therapist’s office where he does such a classic Phil gesture but otherwise he’s totally Allen (he looks like he constantly has a headache, brow furrowed and eyes screwed up with concern), one of his most iconic, well-remembered performances and rightfully so.

Trying to articulate how much I love Mr. Allen Mellencamp who works in data resources always comes out messy but he is just a weird guy who rocks <3 He seems like one of the strangest PSH characters to get mushy about but after a rough week it was just good to see him again. “I was pretty heavy, and I was afraid that people would laugh at me... Sometimes, acting is a really private thing that you do for the world.”

[gingerbreadmonsters]

dude im so fucking excited for the next project meridian, relistening to it rn and my fucking god its so upsetting (in a great way) no one gives any sort of shit about love, james is such a bastard (WANTING TO USE THE CODE FOR HIS OWN SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU ASS) marcus is also a bastard (i get doing some real dumb shit when youre lonely and in denial BUT HOLY SHIT DUDE WHAT, i dont wanna be that empathetic to him cause he was using love even if it did end up hurting him, it was his own fault and he didnt stop it, he makes me feel a lot and i wanna put him in therapy) the other staff resented love as says brian SPEAKING OF he, him being rude and short with love and that still being the only relationship that wasnt deeply toxic for them is heartbreaking, his log was ouch, understanding that love will feel isolated and used (as he says they were) without the code and saying the kinder thing would just be to wipe their memory, and deciding not to cause "we'd lose progress", but him also saying theyre gonna let love chose what happens to marcus, i care him

ALSO marcus making that code is pretty impressive ngl, like it was taking over everything else within lovely, strong shit. sry for ramble im so psyched to see what happens, im glad eriks still making this story

this is an excellent ask and i am SO excited for more project meridian now hehe ✌️

this post does NOT contain spoilers for today's audio (seeing as i haven't listened to it yet), but under the cut anyway bc i rambled lmao

and you're absolutely right - it's REALLY interesting to be placed in this perspective where the listener character is unreliable, where we're not sure how many of our actions and decisions are fueled by this obsession code, where we can't be certain of what we know and what information (like the hidden 'project meridian' data packet) we have inside us. it makes for incredibly compelling storytelling and conceptually i think it's FASCINATING 🤩🤩

and YES we love a bit of moral ambiguity!! inconsistent and flawed morality!! characters who are in conflict with each other and themselves, who are not universally good or even liked!! project meridian to me has always been a series that pushes everything to a logical extreme, if that makes sense - a robot in love who is overwhelmingly obsessed, a sad man who is debilitatingly lonely, a mysterious corporation that is unflinchingly greedy. everything is over the top and spilling over itself, but it's approached in a very realistic and empathetic way, and that makes it far more accessible and less predictable, which i enjoy v much! 🥰✨

tbh i feel similarly about james as i do about vega, especially in his latest audio - it's very clear that we are being manipulated, but it's really interesting to observe from an out-of-universe perspective. it leads to a fun conflict of interest as well: do we want the listener character to turn to the dark side and take them at their word, or resist? what would either of those scenarios look like going forward? how is this going to be resolved? OOH it's so much fun 🤠🤠🤠

(also i agree with marcus' technical skill - it can't have been easy to hide code like that inside an android who is basically being examined at every second of every day! although come to think of it, how well did he hide it...?)

[fawn-princess]

i’m soo grateful and sooo blessed for the life i have and how far i’ve come. like god really came through for me and made things better than i could have ever even imagined. but i’m in a little rough patch rn. like things aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be but i still find myself getting stressed out sad and depressed still. like the fact that my sister has cancer rn and the way it’s been impacting my family is really sad and heartbreaking tbh :( like i hate it and i wish things were different. idk how to help her either and tbh there’s nothing i can do. and i really miss my friends like it feels like we’re so out of touch rn bc we just went down different paths. like they all have boyfriends and i’m so happy for them but also sometimes jealous and resentful but only bc i wish i had a boyfriend too!! it just doesn’t feel like it’s in the cards for me right now bc of my family’s stuff and also just where i’m at with my education and career. like the program i’m in is sooo intense and then i have to do internship stuff on top of it and it just gets so crazy. like i had the craziest day today and came home and drank a glass of wine which i barely ever do. and i really just have high expectations of myself like i want big things for myself and i don’t wanna just be the average girl. but that also comes with soo many sacrifices and idk sometimes it’s just lonely and sucks. i have a therapist and she’s great but she’s just kind of like the average karen in the suburbs with a husband and kids and i just can’t relate to that. like i feel like i’m the only girl boss i know and it just sucks rn. i know i’ll make it out the other side and the vision i have for my life will manifest but it’s so hard rn. like sooo hard. but i refuse to give up. i have no choice but to make it happen for myself. all i want is to live up to my fullest potential, whatever that is.

[knwbetter]

day 4 since i stopped talking to him: i've been having thoughts of replying back to him. should i? i don't want to seem desperate and needy. does he even still want to talk to me? he hasn't messaged me for 4 days now, why would he even want to hear from me? this just proves how much he didn't really want me in the first place? i should know these things by now but i'm still so hurt over it. i still can't wrap my head around it, that he could just betray and forget me like that. like nothing ever happened between us. was he really just toying with me? but why? so i can stroke his ego? i'll never know what he wanted from me but i can't believe someone would be willing to waste all that time just to serve their ego. maybe he is a narcissist after all. nonetheless, i hate how i've been dying to talk to him today. i have to say that i miss him so much even if he did me so dirty. what does that say about me? i'm just a girl with feelings and he made me feel so special and that he truly wanted me but now i know it was all a lie. despite knowing all that i still want him, right now at least. i wish we could talk like we used to and get that feeling of happiness again. i feel so fucking depressed rn and i just want to k*ll myself. mom's not making things any better by not supporting me but i really gotta move or else nothing's going to happen to me. i hate how my life is going rn. i just want to disappear tbh. i digress, but i've been thinking of him a lot today and i keep wanting to talk to him. but it looks like he has nothing to say to me. if he truly wanted me, he wouldn't be doing this to me. i felt him pulling away, i'm not dumb. girls know these things. you can't fool us! every time i think of him, i feel like bawling my eyes but i also can't at the same time. eyes feel heavy with exhaustion and sadness. all i know for sure is that i miss him. it feels very lonely each day without him. and i remember him saying he's made his peace with being lonely, i wonder if he really meant that. he continued with "but having somebody doesn't sound so bad". was he only spouting lies to me? did i really deserve that? i haven't harmed anybody that would warrant me to deserve this kind of harsh treatment. i only ever supported him and was there for him every moment i could. so this is how he repays my affections for him? by pulling away and ignoring me like i never entered his life. how could he forget me so easily? am i really that despicable? uncapable of being liked? did my appearance seriously turn him off that much? bc i noticed he started acting off after i sent my pictures, which he so desperately requested even if he said he respected my decision not to and that i shouldn't be burdened by it. was playing innocent his tactic so that i would feel guilty and give in? well now he got what he wanted and i guess the outcome didn't meet his standards. that should make me hate him but i can't help but miss him even if it's the last thing i should do. i need to forget him even if i miss talking to him. i've become so used to his presence in my life that it feels like i've lost someone. how could he spend that amount of time talking to me and making me feel special just to throw me away like that? i can't fathom it at all, it's too much. i wish he would just come back to me and maybe i'll forgive him and we'll go back to like how it was. i deserve better but i undeniably miss him.

[r08s]

i asked my friend of aprox 10 years to hang out. it was 11:37 when i send her the message. she was online multiple times on instagram yet nothing. i texted a “?” at 1:20. same thing: active on ig but no reply to me. finally at 4 she responds.

we meet up and i feel just…empty? i know this sounds edgy but for example if i saw her last summer, i would have been so happy and excited and i wouldn’t stop talking. but this time i just looked at her and i wanted to leave, even tho i was the one who invited her… i felt so so numb, she also pointed out my strange behavior but she didnt ask if it was because of her.

honestly the whole day 4 hours spend together seemed like im hanging out with someone who secretly hates me. she didnt say any rude remarks but everything was just odd and i almost passed out at one moment (perhaps this was also because i slept only 5 hours)

we kinda gossiped and talked about guys, we always do this, however it felt so draining? actually i dont think this is the correct word, maybe awkward? we cracked some jokes but i was really forcing myself to smile and laugh, she defo noticed this. i was also just spacing out a couple of times

when we said goodbye, i didnt feel sad as i usually do when we separate. but this time i was just done, relieved and exhausted. and also screw the uber driver who tried to make a conversation with me about stupid teslas

i now really think we’re drifting apart. we had the previous week free and we didnt get to hang out at all… the active on ig and no reply thing happened then too…despite this, she did hang out with two other girls. awesome.

i feel so lonely. ever since i was little i thought that i would grow up in this cool teenager with a huge friend group yet here i am, crying for the 38295th time in the bathroom. i really just want someone i could talk to. someone who replies to me all the time. someone who appreciates me. someone with who i would never be awkward or uncomfortable with. someone who wouldn’t judge me. someone who would jump off a bridge if i also jumped. someone who i’d consider my best friend. someone who’d consider me their best friend. maybe i already met this person and maybe im the problem because of my stupid anxiety and my stupid undiagnosed depression and my stupid attachment issues and my stupid self as a whole.

today i had planned to tell my friend about some of the thing mentioned here but i guess i couldn’t bring myself to do it. she really asked me if something is wrong but i just shut her down.

maybe i will tell her next time. but how? or maybe the real question is when? i mean, ive been the one who mostly began the convos. i really am going to wait for her to just say something.

(today is saturday) not the upcoming week, but the next one it will be my birthday (im celebrating it by visiting paris so it will be no actual party with friends, just family). but i do wonder what she is gonna do then. like, just a hbd text or something more? tbh that “something more” could be even a bday card, i’d be really happy for one. i dont wanna sound selfish but i truly think i deserve something from a friend i’ve known for a whole decade, a friend who i love(d?) so much, i even bought her a gucci perfume so yeah i do deserve something a bit bigger than a one-minute happy bday text. again, it doesnt need to be extravagant, just something to show if she really cares about me, about our friendship. even my classmates, who ive known for only 6 months, are going to make me a surprise.

or maybe im just miserable and lonely. perhaps i shouldnt be spending my bday in paris but rather in a therapy session.

also i need to buy a new mascara since my maybelline sky high has been kind of dry. also as i said, rn im crying and yet the mascara isnt running down my face in the dramatic way as it should be..

[nayrusl0vee]

I'm pissed, sad and numb all at once

my stomach is in knots

I can't eat but I'm so hungry

My whole body feels heavy and numb

I feel so sick

Imagine forgiving someone twice for the same issue of lying. You lied to me FOR MONTHS.

Imagine allowing someone back into your life only for them to step all over you

I must be a joke. You sure had me going.

Taken for granted

Valued? Best friend? Loved? Ok, liar. It's only online and we've only known each other 2 years so to you, it's like a ranking system. Online friends don't matter apparently. The closest person to me is irl and I tell her everything but there are only a few ppl online I consider real friends, and I can count them on the palm of my hand that I tell everything too. One of them was you... but Idk anymore.

Everything you've ever told me is now considered bull****. I will believe nothing you have to say. Whatever you showed me before, whatever you felt before was all lies. Bc real love never gives up. You said you meant every word, and what you felt back then was real, and you wanted to tell me that. For what exactly? None of it mattered. You moved on, so why did I ever need to know that? Then you turn around and tell me it was bc you felt neglected. Wtf does that even mean? So you just used me back then like what you did now. You don't find me "attractive." You feel "uncomfortable." Stfu. Liar. The switch up is insane. This is an exact repeat of the situation just with a different girl. You'll regret it, though, just like everything else. Hmm..all while in your relationship, you were lonely, and you were waiting for me to come back? Imagine. Having a whole ass gf and feeling like that. Did you even realize what you said? You don't respect the ppl you get into relationships with 💯

Everything has been one big lie. To think that the love I feel for you never changed. To think that my feelings remained the same after all this time. Bc I thought you were worth it. Worth what now exactly? I came back bc yes, I did miss being your friend, but I also came back bc I love you. I can see now that it's all worth nothing.

The fact that you lied to me again changes our dynamic completely. You don't get to be treated lovingly from me anymore. Our friendship is up to you. I've done more than enough with no expectations or ulterior motives. I hold no importance to you or your life. You made that pretty clear when you disrespected me. I'm 100% convinced you just don't respect women.

I trusted you like a f******idiot. I'm convinced you hate me atp.

The only thing I'm glad I did was get the truth out, and God showed me exactly what you really are.

Lost, broken, lonely, shameless, and a deceiver.

I'm disgusted.

I go from getting excited seeing a text from you and being happy to not wanting to see anything from you at all. Tbh, the thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not even exaggerating. And your voice, one of the things I really love, I don't even wanna hear it. I don't even wanna see your face.

You told me you never get what you want. Well, you did, didn't you? You got back the person you "supposedly" love, and I stop focusing on you and distance myself. That's what you wanted, so your wish is my command. You never feel the same thing for the same person twice? Lies. You don't even know what love is. You don't even know it's true meaning. I feel so sorry for you.

Everything you told me today was contradiction after contradiction. Maybe you'd have your words right and thoughts in order if you actually slept for once. But sleep requires peace, and you have no peace.

Despite what I feel

God has the final say

And someone undeserving as you...deserves forgiveness.

I will never stop praying for you every single day.

I give everything to The Lord regarding all of this

I'm done. I'm mentally checked out.

[wordsaloud]

entry 2: feeling your feelings

photo by: @worry-lines-comics

6 December 2023, 12:00am

i feel like for most of us, feelings tend to appear as obstacles– chores, even. something that gets in the way of life.

ugh, why do i have to have a mental breakdown a few hours before my very important deadline? why do i have to feel sad when i’m about to go out and meet my friends? i have so much to do today, i don’t have time to feel this way!

:/

i had therapy today, and we went in depth on how to handle my feelings. ask my therapist and he can tell you all about my tendencies to intellectualise my feelings instead of simply… feeling them and letting them do its thing. i’ve always felt this need to problem solve to quickly get rid of the bad feelings so that we can all move on with our day. if you’re guilty of doing this as well then.. i’m sorry to burst your bubble but it does nothing good for you. nothing permanent, at least.

most of the time i don’t even know what i’m feeling. all i could identify was that they were making me feel bad. and i think i probably had the belief that if i were to pry deeper into the feelings, i’d find worse feelings than just ‘bad’ and i guess a part of me did not want to deal with that. but you know how life is, just a constant cycle of things to be dealt with.

today he sent me a picture of some sort of an emotions wheel that branches out basic emotions to specific/extreme ones. sad -> hurt/lonely/despair/depressed -> disappointed/abandoned/powerless/empty. very kindergaten, i know. but it helped. like i said, most of the time i’m unable to identify exactly what i’m feeling. so how are we to deal with our feelings if we don’t even know what they are?

let that sink in.

during one of our earlier sessions my therapist mentioned ‘taking accountability for your feelings’ to me, which i, at first, was completely offended by. i was saying that xxx happened and it made me feel this way. it made sense right? why was he invalidating me for feeling a certain way because of something that someone did?

after that session i went home and thought about it further. i realised that taking accountability for your feelings doesn’t have to mean the cause of your feelings were invalid or unjustified. i guess it’s more of better understanding yourself and your triggers rather than just dwelling on the fact that it’s caused by that one person, or that one incident. (tbh i’m not sure if this was what he meant, but it makes sense to me so i’m running with it)

frankly speaking, i still struggle to grasp the concept of separating my emotions from the ‘cause’ of them. but i can say that i’m more conscious of the way i approach these negative feelings that come up from time to time. i think one way to handle your emotions better, is to personify them.

think inside out.

all the different emotions in your mind and your heart just trying their best to handle what life is throwing at them. when you feel a certain emotion creeping up, don’t shy away. don’t ignore them. give the emotion the attention it needs and sit with it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

most importantly, remember– your emotions are not out to get you. don’t treat them as such.

at the end of the day, feelings and emotions are what makes us humans. it’s what connects us best with other humans. being able to feel surprised, content, angry, scared, bored, excited, anxious.. i think it’s beautiful. just like in life, you can’t just have the good stuff all the time. in order to appreciate the happy feelings, you’re gonna have to go through the bad feelings too!

also also! remember, you are never alone. i know my blog has 0 viewers now but in any case this gets the attention of anybody who might need it, my inbox is always a safe space for you.

i hope this has been a helpful sharing! please have a great day and remember to be kind to yourself <3

till the next entry, friends!

nelly.