#i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the

[luvsavos]

random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently

[000marie198]

Remember this analysis? Keep that in mind

Now, there is something I realized. Before Shadow and Sonic showed up at the Grim, Nine's entire attitude and behavior seemed different. I couldn't put my finger on it but now that I'm not falling dead over my feet due to sleepiness, I figured out what felt different. (Rest of the post under the cut)

He was hiding himself after they showed up.

Look how he is all by himself, when there isn't anyone present

He's being his true self, openly expressing everything he's feeling. The joy and excitement? He's not hiding it, it's there. The frustration and sorrow ?

It's there. Unhidden

But once the hedgehogs appeared, the true joy, the sorrow and sadness, it's all concealed, put behind a mask of power and intimidation. If you remember from the first season, intimidation is his go-to instinct to react against threats.

And when the hedgehogs are fighting AG and their focus isn't on him?

His sorrow and bitter loneliness displays clear as day.

Smug confidence and rage is Nine's coping mechanism, especially to cover up his true emotions, his vulnerability, from others. And that's what he'd been doing in front of Shadow.

As soon as Shadow said, "So it was all about power," Nine's tone turned smug. He agreed with Shadow's words even though we know what he truly wants is a home, not unlimited power and whatnot. Not in the sense Shadow thinks. Nine acts like that is exactly what everything is all about, his tone of voice has grown extremely similar to how he behaved in front of Eggman. Like a carefully worn cover. He's trying to hide his true emotions here. But he slips up and reveals his frustration the moment Sonic talks and Shadow is out of focus (I'll get back to this in a moment). So in front of Shadow, when both hedgehogs are present and Nine isn't focusing on solely Sonic, he is reacting with anger and smugness and confidence. And the later two are his go-to emotions, that's how he protects himself, by hiding his true vulnerabilities.

Another thing, think about how the very first things he creates once he has completed the prism are; the palace of an evil base (a home), AG Sonic (a friend), and a forcefield (a shield, protection). What he has always wanted. His concept of a perfect home. He doesn't want power, the power is just something he needs to get what he wants, even though he doesn't grasp the meaning of home beyond what he knows. This indicates the power thing is a ruse.

Bringing the thing about Nine unable to stop himself from subconsciously revealing his vulnerability when it comes to one specific person, notice how Nine's behavior immediately switched from smugness and aloofness to shaking rage and frustration when Sonic asked him if having robots for friends is what he wanted. There are multiple moments that show the kit is unable to cover it all behind a coping mechanism when Sonic's in the picture.

Also, Nine keeps pulling the attention around and back to himself;

"That was your plan. It was never mine."

"Well they're my friends now."

"I helped you defeat the one in New Yoke."

"I'll decide when it's over."

"My paradise!"

"With all that power of the prism, there is nothing I cannot do."

There's still a child in him, seeking something, seeking attention for what he's capable of, seeking control of the situation. Or something else, but he's seeking something.

Nine was frustrated to no end when he realized that the missing component is Sonic because he didn't want to deal with Sonic anymore. And when Sonic was there, the kit kept trying to take back attention and control of the conversation. Trying to take back command of the conversation because Sonic is like a whirlwind, nobody can keep any control when he's around, but especially because he partially knows that he can't keep up his mask when Sonic is present.

Sonic, without even trying or realizing it, is still managing to make Nine show his true emotions.

The kit kept saying and doing stuff that in children's language practically screams, "I'm mad at you, I'm sad, I'm hurt, you hurt me, feel guilt you jerk you hurt me, realize that you hurt me and be regretful over it damn it, I won't listen to you bcoz I want you to understand you hurt me, I'm breaking our friendship you hurt me, care about me and understand that I'm hurting".

A part of him wants Sonic to apologize. But ofcourse he'd be darned before he consciously & intentionally reveals that in front of the hedgehogs with his words, he'll keep throwing hints with his attitude and actions instead of saying it directly because deep down he isn't over it in the slightest. He didn't have a childhood, his mature enough about survival to tell himself otherwise, he's smart to try and control his feelings from showing up but deep down, he has the heart of a kid, the emotions of a child.

What Nine is doing isn't world domination or power seeking, it's a desperate cry for things to get better.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Sorry this turned more into me venting than a question lol. Your blog just kinda feels like a safe space 🙃

My appreciation for jungkook has grown so much this year. I've just never seen an idol genuinely care and appreciate his fans the way jk does. I know he goes above and beyond, so what he does shouldn't be expected... but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that no other member has gone live. Maybe it'll change in the next few hours, but if it doesn't, then it just sucks because don't they want to say goodbye to us? We're not gonna see them for 18 months :( I know they did the group live but it was so chaotic 😅 I would think they might want to do a solo one to just say everything that's on their mind like jungkook did. I know a lot of people have been coming for jk about parasocial relationships and whatnot, but I honestly believe it goes both ways. Like you could just feel how much he cares by the way he stops and makes sure to greet and bow at every fan or the way he always rolls down his car window no matter what (even when we don't deserve it). I've seen how other idols sometimes just walk past fans/crowds without a glance. Jk comes on lives just to chat with us, while other idols usually only go on when they're promoting. Jungkook isn't my bias, so maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit hurt and jealous lol... how are you handling the enlistment news?

Thanks! My blog is always a safe space for asks like these! <3

It's true that Jungkook has really connected with Army this year. He's always loved us, but I think now he feels so much more confident being himself around us and has developed the kind of relationship he wants with us, so he's much more comfortable going live. Maybe before negative comments affected him more, and he was careful in what he said or did, but now that he can shrug off the haters and be himself fully, I think he's gotten closer to us and our relationship has improved! I think Armys really became friends to Jungkook in a way we weren't before. But maybe I'm wrong. I've only been Army since 2019, and the COVID era was an anomaly. Jungkook also had more free time to go live in the beginning of the year compared to before.

But, yeah, all the other members went live! Jimin went live for a short while, I think V went live too (I'm not sure), but he shared many pics and goodbye letters so that was enough! I'm not sure if RM went live but I think he might've a while back. He shared so many pics, letters, song recs, etc. though - his goodbye letter was so Namjoon and more than enough... I think they all said goodbye. Jimin probably did the least, but since he doesn't seem to take pics and doesn't know what to say during lives, I think he went more quietly.

The parassocial accusations for Jungkook are pure bullshit. Kpop stans need to unlearn that word. That man has drawn clear limits - he's told stalkers off multiple times, said fans need to deal if he does something they don't want even though he understands everyone likes different things (ie. Seven explicit lyrics) - so I don't get why JK calling Armys his girlfriends (usually when they ask) or talking about how much he loves us is such a big deal. I'm sure if any fan seriously told him not to date someone because Army was his girlfriend, he'd tell them off politely.

I think people just want to assume the worst of Jungkook. And kpop stans sadly hate other stans so they can never understand the idea of an idol genuinely liking their fans...

Anyway, I thought I was going to be so heartbroken when Jungkook left but I'm too sick (with the flu) and busy with work to process it. I still can't believe Suga is enlisted... He went so quietly it feels like he's just in one of his phases where he goes off the grid lmao.

Tbh, even with Jin and Hobi, though I miss Jin especially, what I miss most is the group and not any individual member. I'll miss Jungkook a lot though for sure - just not now.

BTS is all enlisted... There is no BTS now... They'll come back in two years... I think it's too early for us to process what this means. For the next few months nothing much will change. We already have content lined up. But somewhere down the line, it'll hit us more.

Thanks for the ask! How are you coping with the enlistment?

[insaneshane]

Apologies for the long wait! I'm simply a lil silly thing. Anyways, moving on from the Martinverse (Game of Thrones/House of the Dragon), I'll be covering the Tolkienverse! Now, The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit have no shortage of unique swords, and considering my format change, I'll do armour in this post, and swords in another.

As usual, I'll start with armour, and first up we have Thorin(son of Thráin, son of Thror)'s armour!

Now, he wears two distinctive sets, and I definitely have a preference. But I refer to this first set as his Dragonsickness Armour:

Okay so first things first, I *do* like the design. Like, it's very unique, and has personality imo. But I just *know* this shit is heavy. Unless of course it's a special material made to be as strong as steel but impossibly light (/j). Under the fur cloak he's got all the right stuff, pauldrens and whatnot, and we can see that he's wearing mail under it as well, so it's all theoretically practical.

I understand it's "King Thorin" or whatever, but I'd replace the crown with a helmet. I've seen fanart of him with one, but he never wears it in the movies so shame on him. He does have a shield though, so I can forgive him.

Speaking of the shield, I like it. It looks rather small, but that's fine, if he can use a tree branch effectively, he can use this (/s).

Realism: 7.5/10

Appeal: 6/10

Name: N/A

Overall: 7/10

Now, his other armor, what he wears throughout basically the whole series:

It's super simple, it looks like just mail under a coat. Also it seems like there's no mail on the biceps. I understand he was literally homeless, but I'd have to rob someone, I couldn't wear this.

Realism: 9/10

Appeal: 1/10

Name: N/A

Overall: 3/10

Next is the Rivendell Elven Soldier Armour:

I'm sorry it's such a shitty picture, but everything else was either a drawing or homemade. Now, it doesn't look all that protective tbh. I don't see any mail underneath, the elbows are exposed which leads me to believe other joints are as well (knees, ankles, etc.), and honestly it just doesn't scream "sturdy" to me. I understand elves are light weight warriors, but for a vanguard I'd want a little more protection.

Also, I think the solid metal "plume" on top is an interesting choice. Just like with Daemon's helmet, it's unnecessary weight, and will likely give you a sore neck after wearing it for too long. Other than that, it does look pretty cool.

Realism: 6/10

Appeal: 7.5/10

Name: 3/10

Overall: 5/10

Next we have Elrond's Armour, which is surprisingly similar to the standard soldiers armour:

The first thing I see it that he has mail on, which immediately puts this at a higher rank. However, his thighs are exposed save for the mail hanging down, which I think is an interesting choice seeing as there's a rather important artery in there. No gauntlets, or even gloves, is a downside, not to mention wearing a crown in place of a helmet again.

I will say, props to him for not wearing something drastically more fancy than his foot soldiers, it definitely inspires confidence in his leadership imo.

Realism: 6/10

Appeal: 8/10

Name: N/A

Overall: 7.5/10

Galadriel's Armour from Rings of Power! I suppose spoilers?

Firstly, oof. I think this shit is ugly tbh. But, that's more personal opinion than objective.

Onto actually reviewing it, it looks decent enough. However, the chest plate is too form fitting, I don't think it should curve inwards at the stomach like that. And yes, I understand Elrond's was pretty close fit too, but it's still a full round chestplate, not trying to accentuate anything.

Other than that, it's some genuinely good armour. Full chain underneath, so props to her, even though it's a little messy. And let's focus on the elbows a little bit. This is the perfect way to armour that joint, because it's not as exposed when your arm is outstretched as it would be with other armour. But you still have full range of motion!

Also, this is another good example of tasteful ornamentation.

Realism: 8/10

Appeal: 0.5/10

Name: N/A

Overall: 7/10

Last, but definitely not least, Lord Sauron's Armour

I'll try my very best not to be biased here, but like, c'mon, do you blame me?? This is so fucking cool.

Anyways, even without the bias, this armour *would* protect you. Like, it might shred you to pieces while donning it, but it's so worth it.

It's got all the things I usually look for, mail, helmet, joint protection, but also a fucking cape. Hell yeah.

Now, in my attempts to remain unbiased, I will say that any other time I'd dislike the spikes, namely the ones on the pauldrons and helmet, they're simply ridiculous. I do like that he sort of combined a helmet a crown (looking at you two Thorin and Elrond). But yeah this is just badass.

Realism: 7/10

Appeal: 12/10

Name: N/A

Overall: 8/10

And that concludes the Tolkienverse Armour review! As always, if there are any you wish I would've reviewed, let me know and I'll get on it! And remember, I'm aware it's fiction/fantasy, but this is something I enjoy, so I'll continue doing it!

[amberrskiies]

What the Brothers Think of Amber :

Lucifer

I think she is practically responsible enough but some of her childish acts are enough to make me feel done with her at times. Although I'll give her points for dragging Mammon out of problems even if she gets herself dragged in it and sometimes she'll get into trouble for it too. I'll also give her points for trying to get Levi out of his room even though it's a fail most of the time.

I do admire her determination but sometimes I wonder about her enthusiasm...

Mammon

Oh! The Human? Well what I can say is that I actually enjoy her presence very much but don't tell her I said that! She's like a little sister to me and I don't like the fact that she gets dragged into my problems so I always find a way so that she doesn't get in trouble with Lucifer even though he tried threatened to kill her multiple times. But I like her enthusiasm since it actually brings a smile on people's faces now and then.

Her acceptance is enough to make me feel needed but don't tell her that either!

Leviathan

The Normie? I don't know she can be pretty persistent with me most of the time. She doesn't like it when I call her that either. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her it's just that sometimes I wish I was more open and confident enough to talk to others like her or Asmo. I guess you could say I am kind of jealous of her the most but I don't want her to think I hate her or anything. I do like her anime merch clothes though!

B-But between you and me, I-I k-kind of find h-her t-traits a-attractive b-but s-she doesn't need to k-know that!

Satan

Well she is mature and I find her prank ideas are pretty good too. I wonder if she came up with those or learned it from someone. Either way talking to her about books, cats and other topics are enjoyable to say the least. Her presence alone can make a sad person or demon feel better about themselves considering her enthusiasm and whatnot. She's pretty much a valuable asset to the Anti-Lucifer League so I have my respects.

Though sometimes it makes me wonder if she ever got mad or upset over anything since he barely shows those emotions but I could be wrong which is funny since i am never wrong majority of my time.

Asmodeus

I love her so much! She always hangs around with me whenever I ask if she is free or not. I mean who wouldn't want to hang out with me? I find her sense of fashion suiting for her and it kind of reminds me of something Levi would like since they are both into anime and likes to play video games and all. She would mostly come to me for fashion advice if we have any sort of event hosted by Lord Diavolo and I am always happy to help her.

I was surprised when she said that she never dated anyone or got asked out cause she's pretty even tho not as pretty as me but she is and who wouldn't want to date her???

Beelzebub

She's very nice and would always cook me food. She always listens to me and everyone else. I am happy that she reunited me with Belphie but I still feel like it's my fault for what happened to her in the first place. I know I told her I wouldn't blame myself for something that isn't my fault or wasn't in my control but it's kind of hard. One thing I like is how she gives really good hugs with a smile.

Maybe I should try making her something she likes to eat ^^

Belphegor

... I found her odd at first. Don't get me wrong but now that I am seeing her more often, I noticed that she is usually on a cheerful tone and behavior but when I held her at death's door she looked scared and terrified for her life but now it's just weird but I have gotten used to it. I honestly think he shouldn't even be near me but she doesn't even care and just forgave me and now she's just planning pranks with me and Satan against Lucifer. I guess it's alright. Her presence is nice.

Though I feel like she pulls on a facade from time to time but her behavior is genuine enough so I don't have much to suspect for now...

[kayzee4real]

Gender-Neutral Reader x Tartaglia

So the title says it all, this fanfic is as gender-neutral as possible. This is (at least I'm pretty sure) my first fanfic ever so please be nice because I am still learning. I really really hope you enjoy, I'll stop talking now!

You work under Ningguang’s wing, similar to Yelan, a secret spy of sorts. Though you are often sent on missions and whatnot, you also have plenty of free time that you tend to spend teasing the fatui. Ruining their tasks, making things harder for them, getting them caught, etc. is what is a part of the fun. You’re also quite good at it since it is similar to what you do for work anyways. 

Recently, though, the fatui members seemed to be getting more annoyed and taking these situations more seriously. You’ve even spotted a redhead guy you’ve never seen before tagging along with them. 

“He seems harmless. Cute, even. What could he possibly do?” You think to yourself.

Anyway, one day you spot him while drinking some evening wine at Liyue Harbor. You finish up and follow him. He enters the north bank, maybe for a meeting? Seeing as the door is guarded by two fatui members you secretly wait nearby for him to come out. Hiding behind a wall, you see him come out with an infuriated fatui that you remember you’ve teased several times before. You listen to their conversation.

“Tartaglia sir, we beg you! You have to do something about this mystery person. We can hardly get any work done because of their tricks.” He says.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be over before you guys know it. I’m already working on it.” The redhead responds.

He stops in his tracks to turn around, then suddenly shoots a glance at you. Quickly you hide behind the wall and almost fall over from the shock. While one hand covers your mouth, the other reaches your chest to feel your heartbeat.

“My heart is beating so fast.. I’ve never felt like this before. What is it? Fear? No, it’s.. uh..” 

Your thoughts are completely out of order remembering the eye contact between you and.. Tartaglia was it? Tartaglia... Tartaglia.. Tartaglia.

“Ugh, no snap out of it! There’s no way I’m… feeling that way towards a fatui! Much less a harbinger!”

“Oh hey, I found you.” A familiar voice says.

Startled, you turn around to see it was Ningguang who spoke.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It seems like you were thinking about something very deeply, and didn't mean to interrupt that either.”

“What? No, not at all.” You feel your face get red. You clear your throat and say, “Anyways, was there something you wanted to discuss?”

“Why yes, lately, millelith have reported that their work is getting sabotaged and I was wondering if you could take care of it. Yelan is currently busy with another matter so I’m afraid this one falls to you.” Ningguang says.

“Sure, I can..” Your mind trails off at the ‘sabotaging work’ part. Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

“Then I’ll leave you to it. Thank you.” Ninguangg says as she walks away.

Later on, you reach the site that was ‘attacked’ by a mysterious person. As you investigate you notice many trip wires and a few traps that were left behind to trick the millelith. These traps were made by someone who knew what they were doing and was an expert at it. However, by the time you got here, the sun had already begun to hide behind the horizon and you did not notice the last unactivated trap until you slipped on it and got trapped in ropes. You struggle for a few seconds before you hear the laughter of someone. 

“After all the trouble you’ve successfully caused us, one would think you would be smart enough not to get trapped by such a simple device.” The familiar voice says. 

Your heart rate increases as you recognize the voice.

“It’s you.. Tartaglia.”

“Oh, so you know my name? How interesting.”

“I promise not to make things hard for you guys anymore as long as you let me go.” You say half-sarcastically.

“Not even a sorry would be enough to get you out of this, and you didn’t even say that. I admire your confidence.”

You feel the shame begin to kick in as you’ve never been caught like this. 

“Then what else is it that you want? Money? I’ll give it to you, just get me out of here!” You say flustered.

Tartaglia laughs as he says, “Oh no, I absolutely don’t need money. I just find it amusing seeing you here trapped and begging.”

You feel your face get red and your heartbeat increase, not able to say anything more.

Tartaglia crouches down to your level, holds your chin to force you to make eye contact, and says, “Fine, I’ll let you out if you do me a small favor.”

You feel your stomach become filled with butterflies as you look into his deep blue eyes illuminated by the full moon.

“...What is the favor?”

He only smirks in return.

“You couldn’t possibly mean..”

“Weirdly enough, I’ve actually learned to like you, you’re a very clever person and all so if it’s okay with you then one night won’t hurt. Right? And I promise I will stop messing with the millelith as well” Tartaglia says.

“You..” Left speechless, you don’t necessarily want to say no but it will cost nearly all of your dignity.

“It’s your choice, dear.” He says

At this point, you’ve become so flustered that it has now turned into arousal, and you can feel it down there. 

At last, you mumble “Fine…”

“What was that?” He says playfully

“I.. I said fine!”

He chuckles as he efficiently but carefully cuts the ropes with his water blades (forgive me I can’t figure out what they are called).

Feeling your dignity slip away, you take off your clothes as he does the same (I mean but considering this is happening outside, it’s up to your imagination how many pieces of clothing you both have on <3). With one hand, he holds your chin again to face him, and with the other, he grabs your waist gently. He leans forward to give you a sweet kiss, leaning you against the wall. His other hand moves down from your waist to your leg, he picks you up to line yourself up to him. 

“I’ll be as gentle as I can, I promise.”

You look down and become nervous noticing he’s just a little bit larger than you thought (totally just a little hehe), but oh well no backing down now!

He pushes himself into you and you can’t help but gasp at the overwhelming feeling down there. Once he sees you get used to it, he begins thrusting some more, his hips moving back and forth slowly. You try to cover your mouth and not let your moans and groans be heard, and Tartaglia smiles because of that.

He leans forward to your ear to whisper, “How adorable. You’re really cute, you know.”

After more thrusting, noises from both of you and such, you don’t know how much more you can take. You’re tearing up from the perfect mix between a whole lot of pleasure, and a little bit of pain.

“Please.. wait for me y/n.” He whispers into your ear and as he begins kissing your neck softly.

His moaning right by your ear isn’t helping your case, so after a few more thrusts you finally reach your climax, and start to become overstimulated because he doesn’t stop.

“Tartaglia! You have to stop!” You manage to mutter between gasps and groans.

At last, he also reaches his climax after a few deep thrusts that hurt, but in a pleasurable way.

“Sorry, y/n,” The jerk smiles innocently. “I promise to take good care of you, and I also promise to leave the millelith alone.”

The next, and very last response to Tartaglia shall be yours, dear reader! Or not, but thank you so much for reading this. It really means a lot. Anyways, my goal is to write one fanfic a week, and I’m thinking of doing a Dan Heng fanfic next. However, I would love to hear who you think I should write about! For now, I specialize in genshin impact and honkai star rail characters since for some reason they’re the easiest to write fanfics of. Thank you so much again for reading! Good byeeee!

[minho-hoho]

“Pff, I'm better than them anyways”

❁ Genre⇛Fluff, established relationship

❁ Pairing ⇛Seungmin × GN!Reader

❁ Requested ⇛Yes

❁ Warning ⇛Jealousy?

❁ A/N ⇛Request are closed, tag list is open! I've always wanted to write for Seungmin (I mean he's my ult), first time I write fluff tho, so don't expect much lol. (It honestly sucks sksks).Anyhow, hope you have a fantastic day/evening/night ~!

MASTERLIST

Seventeen's Darl+ing teasers and concept photos came out recently and you were very excited as you were a huge fan of them. You had your fair share of albums and photocards, and you have gone to multiple of their concerts. But you usually kept this to yourself, or you just shared it with your fellow Carats, but never with your boyfriend. It was sort of weird how you managed to keep it as a “secret” for such a long time from him, not that you intended to but it just happened.

But this time, both of you were at home when the Darl+ing official teaser came out. You received the notification while you were both on the couch. As soon as you noticed it, you thought to yourself that why not watch in better quality on the TV, and that's exactly what you did.

“Hey, Seventeen's new official teaser just came out” You announced.

“Hm really? You're going to watch it?”

“Yeah, on the TV.” You answered as you took the remote. You plopped down on the couch as you were looking for the teaser on YouTube. You found it and little smile creeped up on your face as you looked at the thumbnail, you were quite excited. The teaser started and without you noticing your mouth was sort of running loose. A lot of praises and compliments were coming out of your mouth, you didn't even pay attention but Seungmin on the other hand as he was nodding and giving you short answers to the compliments coming out of your mouth was giving you the biggest side eye. But he was getting even more jealous when he saw how happy you were when your bias came on the screen. He was rolling his eyes so hard even though he knew you wouldn't notice. When the teaser finished you immediately turned yourself to face Seungmin to ask for his opinion and whatnot.

“Sooo... What did you think of it?” You asked, all giddy and waiting for his input.

“It was well made I guess yeah” He said fumbling a bit over his words and not looking up from his phone. You were quite underwhelmed by his reaction.

“What do you mean it was well-made? It's like a masterpiece!” He rolled his eyes again.

“Well I bet you're never like this when it's Stray Kids' teasers...” He mumbled in way that was barely understandable. But you still managed to somewhat understand him. It made you laugh, how cute he was when he was jealous.

“Someone's jealous?” You joked.

"Pfff, of course not, I'm better than them anyways. I'm the one who's your boyfriend not them. So why would I be jealous?" He answered trying to seem as confident as possible.

"Are you sure? Because you don't seem like it" You smirked. He looked adorable. He sighed.

"Well of course I am jealous! My own partner is fangirling like a schoolgirl over other men! I don't see you fangirling over me..." A pout started to form on his face. You giggled.

"You know I prefer you over them, right? And plus you're ten times more handsome and cuter than all of them combined. And just because you don't see me fangirling over you and StrayKids doesn't I don't. You can just ask my friends, they sure know how much I "fangirl like a schoolgirl" over you." You reassured him.

"Well now you sound like a creep." He joked too.

"Hey! I was trying to be nice!" You said, shocked by his comment;

"I know, I'm just fooling around don't worry."

"Yeah whatever" You huffed jokingly.

"But you still owe me something you know." He told you, a smile forming on the corner of his lips.

"What? And since when?"

"Since you decided to fangirl over Seventeen over me. I'll be nice, I just want a good cuddle session. That will do for this time." A full smile was now displaying on his face.

"Whatever you want jealous boy" You said as you threw yourself onto him.

Tag List! : @stacey-stonem

[pub-lius]

ACTUALLY Hardcore Facts About Alexander Hamilton

Alright, take two.

I've already typed this entire thing out once, so this is likely going to be a lot more lazy than anything else I will ever post, so :).

Sources: Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow; John Laurens and the American Revolution by Gregory D. Massy; The Federalist by Alexander Hamilton; George Washington's Indispensible Men by Authur S. Lefkowitz; Lafayette by Harlow Giles Unger; Who Was Alexander Hamilton? by Pam Pollack and Meg Belviso

Hamilton wished for a war when he was like a baby. So if you know Hamilton, you know that one line where Hamilton says "As a kid of the Carribean, I wished for a war, I knew that I was poor, I knew it was the only way to rISE UP-" in Right Hand Man. Well, that line is based off of a letter Hamilton sent to his childhood bestie, Edward Stevens: "...Ned, my ambition is [so] prevalent that I... would willingly risk my life, tho' not my character, to exalt my station... I'm no philosopher, you see, and may be jus[t]ly said to build castles in the air... I shall conclude by saying I wish there was a war. Alex. Hamilton." Okay, dude, calm down, you're like two years old. I think he was actually like 14-16, but for dramatic purposes we'll say he was an actual infant (do I sound like Chernow?). But I hate how much this letter foreshadows. It's like he jinxed himself, its almost embarrassing.

Hamilton ran a business at 14. Now if you've ever been fourteen and you were like "i think i feel like running a business" literally shut up no one asked. I think this is impressive. When Hamilton was at least 14, the guys the owned Beekman and Cruger (it had a different name by this time but this one sounds cooler) just dipped and left Hamilton in charge. This was actually a pretty good decision, since Hamilton managed it well. There was also this one time where Hamilton told a whole captain of a ship who didn't perform up to standard, "Reflect continually on the unfortunate voyage you have just made and endeavor to make up for the considerable loss therefrom accruing to your owners." This man was so arrogant I wish I had his confidence. Yeah that was cool ig, but if I met teenage-Hamilton, I'd literally hate him.

Hamilton saved the president of his college. Ever the dramatic, Hamilton had a thing for suppressing mobs (though he was pretty much never successful). There was this one time at King's College where a mob formed to "talk" with the president of the university, Dr. Myles Cooper (by "talk" i mean make him into a tory bird). And, according to Who Was Alexander Hamilton? (this book gives me so much joy), "Alexander vowed to protect him [aww]... He stood up to the crowd, telling them that violence would only hurt their cause. He couldn't stop the crowd, but he delayed them long enough for Dr. Myles Cooper to escape in his nightgown," (Pollack and Belviso 27-29). This is a really sweet description of it, but Hamilton was probably calling the mob a bunch of insults and stuff, judging by how he later handled riots. Also, Cooper thought Hamilton was rallying the mob, so he was a complete jerk to Hamilton, but rightfully. Everyone, bully Hamilton. He's short and dead like an idiot.

Hamilton was really cool on the battlefield, don't @ me. Now, despite being a clumsy little gremlin and an absolute dork, Hamilton was a pretty good leader, and I guess veterans deserve to be recognized for their victories or whatever. At the battle of Princeton, one of my favorites, Hamilton had very big, cool guns, and did some cool stuff. "Returning to the final phase of the battle of Princeton, British infantry took refuge inside Nassau Hall, the building that housed the College of New Jersey. American artillery commanded by Capt. Alexander Hamilton [ya boy] was brought to bear on the college building... Washington was on the scene and noticed this young artillery officer who skillfully commanded his gun battery. The general would soon invite Hamilton to become one of his aides-de-camp," (Lefkowitz 92). Wow so cool moving on to Yorktown.

When the Americans were building their fortifications, two British fortifications were in the way. So rude. Consequently, Washington sent The Gay Trio, Lafayette, Laurens, and Hamilton, to uh, silence them. Hamilton pulled off a successful sneak attack, and won the battle swiftly, leading to the American victory in the battle of Yorktown, and therefore the war. "...Colonel Hamilton['s] well known talents and gallantry were on this occasion most conspicuous and serviceable. Our obligations to him, to Colonel Gimat [stan], to Colonel Laurens, and to each and all the officers are above expression..." -Major General Marquis de Lafayette. Lafayette is so nice I would marry him if he was alive and single and legal and not old as hell. Like omg he gave credit to everyone but himself that's so nice I'm such a simp for Lafayette. Anyway, Hamilton was cool too ig.

Hamilton caused the evacuation of Philadelphia like an iDIOT. So, after Brandywine (British victory), Washington sent Hamilton on a foraging mission in Vally Forge to get flour, horseshoes, and tomahawks (not quite as exciting as Yorktown). Well, our clumsy ginger rat got caught, and wrote to the president of Congress, John Hancock, "If Congress have not yet left Philadelphia, they ought to do it immediately without fail, for the enemy have the means of throwing a party [party rockers in the house tonight] this night into the city. I have just now crossed the valley-ford [Valley Forge], in doing which a party of the enemy came down & fired upon us."

Surprise, this turned out not to be the entire goddamn British army, it was just a few scouts sooo... let's just say Philadelphia wasn't happy. "Our Removal from Philad. Was owning to information that General Howe was crossing Schuylkill [River]... However tho' this Intelligence was from one of the General's family (Alexander Hamilton) it was not well founded & we wish we had not left Philad.," -James Duane. Yeeeaaahhh, that's awkward. Not the best way to get your name known in the capital, I must say.

Hamilton was possibly bisexual, and this is hardcore because I say so. Now, I'll add more quotes to this later, but basically heres my interpretation of the historical evidence and whatnot. Basically, Hamilton was a really closed off, cynical guy, since like everyone he ever loved died or left him pretty much, and he wasn't really the type to make and keep close friends; "...how little dependence is to be placed on treaties, which have no other sanction than the obligations of good faith, and which oppose general considerations of peace and justice to the impulse of any immediate interest or passion," (Federalist 64); It is a known fact in human nature, that its affections are commonly weak in proportion to the distance or diffusiveness of the object," (Federalist 73). Um, Mr. Hamilton? You're projecting your trauma on the government again.

Also, despite working with him for like twenty years, Hamilton really never got close to Washington, like at all. He even said to Laurens, "I have no friendship for him and have professed none," in regards to Washington, which is kind of mean. But he ALSO told Laurens:

"Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power by action rather than words [to] convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that till you bade us adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments and to keep my happiness independent of the caprice of others. You s[hould] not have taken advantage of my sensibility to ste[al] into my affections without my consent."

*mocking Hamilton* its YOUR fault that i love you and it was RUDE that you FORCED me to love you how DARE you you SUCK i love you uwu.

Also, at the top of that letter, someone mysterious (probably Hamilton's son) wrote, "I must not publish the whole of this," and Massey still thinks Hamilton was straight.

But yeah, that's about it. I had originally written more at the beginning, but I unfortunately lost the original draft, so I'll just settle for this. I hope you enjoyed, though, and maybe learned something or found a quote you needed or something. I did more research than I wanted to in one sitting for this, so appreciate it or I'll cry. Thanks love you <3

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

[fictionalrambles]

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Fifteen

Submitted by jwrites_

Five Favourite Fics:

1. What's It Gonna Be by @lemonoclefox

Why I love this fic: I'm a sucker for Pride & Prejudice. San was able to take that dynamic and put it all in a modern day telling of it. I can't count how many times I've read this. Sometimes I read it all the way through, other times I go and find my favorite parts just to get that rush of emotions it never fails to give. The enemies to lovers is done perfectly, the dialogue is great and flows seamlessly, the way she tied in the storyline between Simon, Isabelle, Valentine, and Alec together was genius. I truly love every word of this story.

Favorite scene: Awkward - love - confession - in -  the -  rain

Favorite quote(s):

(Yes. Love confessions are great but have you ever overheard someone say something rude about you and then have the opportunity later that same night to be able to casually call that person out for their comment?)

"Her friend is..." He trails off, as though searching for the word, and Magnus can imagine him gesturing in the meantime. "Interesting," Jace eventually settles on, pointedly.

"Who, that Bane guy?" Alec says, and as he does, Magnus is hit with a wave of intrigued surprise. Does Alec like men? Interesting. The assumption could be wrong, of course, but Jace's tone implies that that's why he's mentioning it. "He's a bit over the top, don't you think?"

He sounds almost disdainful as he says it, as though Jace's mere suggestion is laughable, and Magnus's intrigue immediately shifts to offended annoyance. He straightens a little where he stands, reluctantly affected by it.

--

"I mean, love songs are great," Magnus admits lightly. "But stringing a few pretty words together does seem a bit unoriginal when everyone does it."

Simon shoves him lightly in offense, and Magnus can't help but laugh.

"Then what do you suggest?" Magnus is taken completely by surprise when he realizes that it's Alec who's speaking, and he turns to him. The guy's expression is neutral, but seems genuinely curious.

"Oh, I don't know," Magnus says, swirling his drink around in his glass. He shrugs. "I suppose I'm more a fan of showing and not telling. I'd much prefer someone showing interest in what I like and who I am, than comparing my eyes to the night sky, and whatnot." He gestures airily, then hesitates. He suddenly can't seem to stop himself, the memory of the Lightwoods' overheard conversation bubbling to the surface. "I think most people can appreciate that. Even if some of us are a bit over the top."

--Okay...I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a love confession~

"Look, I don't expect anything from you," he says, as though the words are hard to say. "You've made your feelings pretty clear, and I respect that. But I heard you talked to my mom, and with the stuff you said to her... I guess it just kind of made me a bit hopeful, or something. A bit." He clears his throat, while Magnus just listens. He turns to watch Alec's profile as the young man struggles to find the words, eyes on the view in front of him. "Either way, I'll admit that how I feel hasn't really changed. Maybe it should have, but..."

Alec shakes his head, and Magnus feels his throat go dry. He wants to interrupt Alec, wants to say and show everything that's bursting out of his chest, but he waits. Alec takes a deep breath then, turns to him. He looks determined.

"If you want me to," he says steadily, "I'll go. I'll leave you alone, I promise. You won't hear from me again." He pauses, licks his lips. "But if you don't want me to, if something has changed since last time, somehow... I'd really like to know. Because that would be pretty great."

2. 42 North 71 West by @lecrit​

Why I love this fic: I was blessed with the opportunity to witness Lu working on this fic from its conception to its end. I was there and still I am blown away at the way she was able to work the time jumps. I remember thinking with every chapter I read, 'Wow. The way she is telling this story is amazing. She is amazing.' Lu has a way of presenting so much honesty in her characters. She writes them in a way that feels so real, that you can't help but understand their fears and hesitations even though it hurts. The story is a back and forth told through scenes set in the past and present. You get to see what they were and where they are. The story is beautifully heartbreaking. And she was able to make me enjoy a story that dealt with politics? What? Sorcery, I tell you. -- also, the bench.

Favorite scene: This was almost impossible to choose and I took way too long trying to pinpoint just one. But I'm going to go with one that I hold very dear. When Magnus goes to visit Alec on his birthday and he finds Alec playing the song he only plays when he's sad. That's all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil~

Favorite quote(s):

“Magnus,” Alec breathes out.

The name feels almost foreign, as if he hadn’t uttered it in too long and now his mind is troubling to catch up with his mouth. Still, it manages to make Alec’s heart stutter.

--

“We should’ve stayed on that bench in Boston,” he murmurs.

--

The good thing is, he knows where to go to find his way back. It is inked on his body, engraved into his soul, sealed into his heart.

3. Lead The Way by Clockworkswan

Why I love this fic: Because it takes the wonderful adventure of Doctor Who and packs it in with Malec. This is the ultimate fun and feel good but you will also cry at one point fic. I always go back to it if I want a wonderfully written Doctor Magnus and his adorable companion Alec. Seriously, even if you're not into Doctor Who, give this fic a shot. It's written in a way that you will get so caught up in the adventure that you won't even realize it's based on something else. And if you're a Doctor Who fan, you're in luck with all the little Easter Eggs Heather left throughout.

Favorite scene: I really don't want to spoil anything. The planet of Ablorix. This will mean nothing if you don't read the fic (so you should ;])

Favorite quote(s):

Magnus extends a hand. It’s just like before, when they were in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. It’s just as inviting as it was the first time.

“How about it, pretty boy? Name a star. Any one will do. Or a date,” Magnus says. The double meaning is evident when he winks. He pauses then, and his expression shifts, growing solemn.

A clear shift in his demeanour happens. Magnus turns from playful to sincere in the blink of an eye. Although, there was also a serious tone to it. Magnus looks at him, and understanding eyes meet Alec’s hesitant ones. “Alexander, you seem like a man in need of a break, and I am very much a man in need of a friend. Adventures are always a quick way in figuring out what you want. What do you say?”

What does he say?

He says yes.

Of course Alec does.

--

Before Magnus can think of a good retort, he tries to ignore the clenching ache his stomach gives at the sight of a confident, smirking Alec Lightwood watching him so openly. He settles for pointing in a random direction. “I have to go and see a dog about a man. Meet back here in five?”

“Uh, isn’t the expression, ‘see a man about a dog’?”

“Not when the dog ran off with the man’s wife. A rather big scandal, it seems. The president wants me to try and step in. Smooth things over, so to speak.”

At that, Alec just stares blankly.

Magnus holds up a finger. “Yes, this is normal for me. No, you may not come along. Go.”

4. Love & Other Drugs prequel of Our Love Is A Harsh Chord in the Semi-charmed Kind Life series by @la-muerta​

Why I love this fic: I'm kind of cheating here by listing two fics but they're a package deal. Love & Other Drugs was a smutty one-shot that left me wanting

more...

backstory. Let me tell you the pining and 'unrequited' love between those two demanded a story to be written. Which is why when la_muerta ran a poll on whether or not she should start it or another series first, I campaigned for this one like it was my job (I lost but I still got the series eventually so did I really lose?) The writing in this and with all of la_muerta's fics will hook you. The sadness over the back and forth between them is done so well. It's angst that will grip you and hold onto you until you eventually finish. Just go on the twitter hashtag of #OLIAHCfic and see my screaming.

Favorite scene: Probably the LSD scene.

Favorite quote(s):

Alec was still here, in bed with him.

How many times had Magnus wished that he could wake up with Alec in his arms? He didn't dare to move, wanting the dream to last a little longer, but Alec was already stirring.

--

he'll wonder if life would be a little easier if he wasn't hopelessly in love with Magnus, but it is a fact of who he is now: Alec Lightwood is 6'3, has dark hair, is gay, and is in love with Magnus Bane.

--

They are lying next to each other now, turned on their sides and face to face. The world is no longer warped and weird, but glowing and perfect. Magnus is tracing a path of lightning down Alec's body with his fingertips, and in a moment of clarity Alec understands that in Magnus' eyes he is as beautiful as he thinks Magnus is (it is the first thing Alec forgets when he wakes up sober later).

--

Words aren't enough to express how he feels, but they've always understood each other better when clumsy words don't get in the way.

5. The Lonely Hearts Hotline by @unrestrainedlyexcessive​

Why I love this fic: It's funny, it's endearing, it's heart wrenching, it's sexy, etc. The way Alec is written in this fic is one of my favorite characterizations. The way his situation can resonate with so many young adults today. That feeling when you're an adult and you feel like you should know what to do with your life and who you should be but the truth is, you're still just as lost as always. Being an adult sucks tbh and even when you're an adult, sometimes life doesn't quite feel like it. Alec's character and growth in this fic is beautiful. (I also really loved Jace in this fic)

Favorite scene: A tough choice. Probably the office party and follow up scene in Magnus' office.

Favorite quote(s):

The problem with being a new grad, in general, is that the world and job force demands you have experience, but you have to live a certain number of productive years on the planet to gain that experience.

Early adulthood is no man's land. You don’t have the experience to matter and no one wants to pay you to gain it, hence how he ended up in the precarious situation he’s in: dodgy sex work by night, an even dodgier roommate, and desperately hoping an internship eventually turns into an actual paying job.

--

Magnus runs his tongue down the knobs of Alec's spine. "You're so beautiful," he says, pausing.

"I'm really not," Alec insists, eyes fluttering closed.

"Why are you so kind to everyone except yourself?"

"I'm a work in progress."

"Aren't we all?"

[treasure7boys]

Sunny Summer || Park Jihoon

♡♡♡♡

Type: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 4.7K (Lol, I got really carried away)

Warning: Cursing, mature-ish themes (lol, not really) [Not Edited]

Description: You've matured since the last time Jihoon saw you ... and he's not the only one who's noticed

♡♡♡♡

Honestly, the thought of spending every summer in Jeju with your family wasn't exactly ideal. You wanted to spend the summer with your friends, not on an island where you knew almost no one. Still, you had one saving grace: Park Jihoon. The Park family was close friends with your own, so they had been staying at the same beach house with you since you were seven years old. Jihoon was the same age as you, so you naturally became close friends.

Your families both lived in Seoul, but you never really hung out with Jihoon unless it was some holiday or celebration and his family was over. As you senior year came to an end, you realized you hadn't seen Jihoon at all since that summer. It wasn't surprising, though, since you were both busy with studying for entrance exams and whatnot.

“He's going to be so surprised with how beautiful you've become,” your mother smiled as your plane landed in Jeju, stroking your hair lovingly.

You blushed, feeling embarrassed by the compliment. “It's not like I've changed that much,” you told her.

That wasn't necessarily true, however, you were just being humble. In all honesty, puberty did finally hit and it was kind to you. The boyish figure you once had finally had some shape to it. Your chest was still on the flatter side, but you couldn't have it all. Your braces were also removed and your now straight smile was beautiful. It was the little things that changed that made you look even prettier.

Your heart pounded like a drum as you neared the familiar beach house, which was basically your second home at that point. At first, you hadn't anticipated anything, but, after your mother's comment, you were wondering if this summer would be different.

“You're here!” Mrs. Park shouted as she rushed down the sandy steps of the beach house and to your mother, tightly hugging her. “Jihoon! Hurry to help with bags!”

Your own father hugged Mrs. Park and then Mr. Park, who was chuckling at how excited his wife was. “She's been waiting at the window for you guys,” he informed you all, making you smile fondly.

Mrs. Park turned to you. “Look how much you've grown in the past year! You're even more gorgeous, Y/N!”

Again, you blushed as you thanked her but politely said you looked the same. You watched as Jihoon appeared and they disappeared, always leaving the two of you to unload the rental car. “What happened to your face?” Jihoon asked as he opened the trunk.

You scowled, already knowing this summer would be like every other one. “Gee, thanks for that confidence boost,” you said, rolling your eyes.

He smiled and shook his head. “That's not what I meant. You just look different.” He inspected you and you felt like a bug under a microscope. “You got your braces off, huh?”

Nodding, you flashed him a smile. “You did, too. You look good.” The two of you embraced tightly before turning to the bags. “Are Junkyu and Yoonbin here yet?”

He nodded. “Yoonbin got here two days ago and Junkyu last night,” he informed you. “There's a party on the beach thrown by some college kids and Yoonbin managed to get us an invite.”

“Sounds cool,” you said, but you weren't sure how you felt. You had never been to a college party or any party for that matter. You liked to stay in bed where it was warm and safe, eating snacks and watching movies. Still, maybe you might like the party scene.

After unloading everything and putting the bags in your respective rooms, you put your swimsuit on, some shorts and a tank top, and then joined Jihoon downstairs to meet Junkyu and Yoonbin for a swim.

“What happened to you?” Junkyu asked, his eyebrows furrowing the moment he laid eyes on you.

You scoffed in disbelief, “Did I get so ugly over the span of one year?”

Yoonbin smiled. “I think he's talking about that giant bruise on your knee,” he commented.

“No, I'm talking about how my little brother, Y/N, is now my sister,” Junkyu said. “When did you get a figure?”

You shoved him aside, going to set your towel down. “Shut up,” you huffed.

“Wait, who called you ugly?” Yoonbin asked.

Junkyu nodded. “Yeah! I'll fight him for you!”

You glanced at Jihoon. “I didn't call you ugly!” he exclaimed. “I just couldn't figure out what about you changed.”

Letting out a laugh, you jumped up to your feet and threw an arm around him. “I know, I know! I just like to give you a hard time,” you teased. “Now, let's get in the water. It's so hot out.”

As you removed your shirt and shorts, you watched the boys rush into the water. Every year before, you had worn a one-piece swimsuit. That year, however, you wore your first bikini. With your new figure, your friend had somehow convinced you to show it off. You felt slightly self-conscious, but you knew you just had to fake it until you make it.

After some swimming and goofing off, you finally decided you wanted to dry off and enjoy the warm sun. The boys agreed but already planned on playing some volleyball with a beach ball in a little bit.

“Yeah, I fell down the stairs because I was so excited after finding out I got accepted into one of my top three universities,” you told Yoonbin, explaining why your knee was bruised. “I'm just glad I didn't break it.”

He laughed, “I'm surprised you didn't.”

“I'll have the whole house to myself for two nights, so we can have our own mini party,” Junkyu said to Jihoon. You didn't hear the whole conversation because you and Yoonbin had just tuned in.

You looked at Jihoon. “You're gonna leave me alone for two nights with just our parents?” you asked him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Junkyu cut him off. “You can come, too. I don't think your parents would mind. What would even happen?”

Yoonbin nodded in agreement. “Yeah, we're all like siblings,” he added.

“Good point. I'll ask, but I'm sure they'll be fine with it,” you said. Your eyes wandered towards three guys passing by. Your jaw just about dropped. “That guy is so hot.”

They looked to see who you were drooling over. “Yugyeom-hyung?” Jihoon questioned. “The guy we've known since we were kids?”

You shook your head, “No, the one in the middle.”

“His name is Eunwoo, this summer's heartthrob,” Junkyu told you. “All the girls are talking about him and he just got here.”

Eunwoo looked over, seeing you staring. He sent you a sweet smile before turning away. “Well, you've certainly got his attention,” Yoonbin smirked, standing up to go play volleyball.

“I'm in love,” you said. “What I wouldn't give to have even just two minutes in heaven with him.”

You felt something hit your head. It didn't hurt, but sometimes you liked to be dramatic. “Ouch! What the heck?!”

Jihoon looked at you as he picked up the beach ball he had just hit you with. “Stop drooling over him and come play,” he said.

Scowling, you stood up and joined Junkyu on the other side of the net.

♡♡♡♡

“Hurry up, Y/N! Before I'm old!” Jihoon called to you somewhat jokingly, waiting on the porch of the beach house.

You hurriedly slipped your bracelet onto your wrist before jogging down the stairs. “Well, don't you look gorgeous,” your mother smiled, lovingly smoothing down your hair.

You were wearing a skirt and top set. They were both red with white flowers on them. The top was a crop top with sleeves that wrapped around your upper arm, showing off both your stomach and shoulders. You had bought it on a whim hoping it would look good and maybe you could try and find a style that you really liked. Hopefully your mother was right and you looked gorgeous.

“Watch after Jihoon, yeah? Now that you guys can drink, he thinks he's a pro,” Mrs. Park snickered.

Smiling, you nodded. “Of course,” you told her. “I'm not planning on drinking much or at all in order to keep an eye on the three of them.”

“That's my girl,” your mother smiled. You quickly put your sandals on and then joined Jihoon outside.

He looked at you and stopped swaying, inspecting you. It felt like he stared at you forever until he finally said, “You look nice, now let's go before Junkyu gets impatient.”

You nodded, joining his side as you walked down the beach and to the house. Honestly, you weren't sure whose house or party it was, but you didn't really care.

“That's a cute outfit,” a girl told you. You were pretty sure her name was Herin.

“Thanks,” you said, smiling at her. She ended up spending a lot of the night with you and the boys. It turned out it was her first summer there, just a whim on her parent's end.

Junkyu's eyes wandered and spotted Eunwoo standing near the cooler. “Look, Y/N, your boyfriend is here,” he teased.

You looked over, blushing slightly when you saw Eunwoo. “He's totally yummy,” Herin said.

That made you smile. You could never really talk about guys on a real level with the three boys. “Thank you!” you exclaimed, turning back to look at Eunwoo. “He's seriously gorgeous.”

Her arm looped with your own, “Come on, let's go refill our drinks.”

The two of you quickly left, going over to the cooler where Eunwoo was with another tall, handsome boy. He spotted you and Herin before smiling. “Hi,” he spoke, his voice as beautiful and angelic as himself. “You're Y/N, right?”

The fact that he knew your name made your mind go blank and insides become mush. “Y-yeah,” you managed out, feeling Herin lightly squeeze your arm. You didn't care if Yugyeom had told him your name, you were just happy he had remembered.

Jihoon watched on with Yoonbin and Junkyu. “What could they possibly be talking about?” Jihoon scoffed. “They probably have nothing in common.”

Yoonbin smirked. “Jihoon, your jealousy is showing,” he said in a sing-song tone. “If you want to date Y/N so badly, then tell her how you feel. You won't get anywhere by not saying anything.”

That made Junkyu laugh but nod in agreement. Once again, Jihoon scoffed, but much more dramatically as he took another gulp of his beer. “Jealous? No way!”

“Come on, you've glared at any guy who stared at Y/N too long. An appreciative glance her way equals a glare from you,” Junkyu said. “Admit it, Y/N finally grew up during senior year and tons of guys have noticed. You're so used to her always being with you and us, so you're bothered that she has a thing for that Eunwoo guy and vice-versa.”

Jihoon was upset at the fact that he was so transparent to his two friends and the fact that they were right. He didn't want to be jealous, but he couldn't help it. You were practically his best friend and he was so used to having you around him almost at all times. Seeing you making new friends and spreading your wings bothered him because he feared you leave him and he hated that.

You were so caught up in your conversation with Eunwoo that you hadn't noticed Herin and Mingyu totally hitting it off. Eunwoo was really nice, sweet, and handsome, but he wasn't very funny. In fact, he was kind of awkward. Still, you enjoyed his company enough and he enjoyed yours, but it was obvious to both of you that things would never turn romantic.

In all that time, you completely forgot about Jihoon, Junkyu, and Yoonbin. You felt really guilty since the summer was for them, but you were sure you'd see them plenty during university and were hoping you guys would start hanging out in Seoul. “I really had a nice time talking with you, but I think I should go find my friends and make sure they're not doing something stupid,” you told Eunwoo.

He smiled and nodded. “It was nice meeting you, Y/N. I hope we can talk again soon,” he said.

Herin sent you a look, one that clearly asked if you wanted her to go with you. You slightly shook your head, wanting her to spend more time with Mingyu. Without another word or silent communication, you left.

“There you are!” you exclaimed when you finally found Jihoon. He was alone in one of the bedrooms, sitting at the foot of the bed with his arms wrapped around a pillow. “I've been looking for you everywhere! Where are Yoonbin and Junkyu?”

Jihoon didn't respond right away and you watched his head bob up and down slightly. That was when you realized he was drunk. He reeked of alcohol. “Y/N! There you are!” he exclaimed, his words only slightly slurred, which was surprising.

You giggled but felt bad for not watching out for him and stopping him from drinking too much. “Come on, let's go find Junkyu and Yoonbin and then get you to bed.”

Grabbing his hands, you struggled to help him to his feet. You threw the pillow back onto the bed and lightly slapped Jihoon's face to wake him up. “Why didn't you hang out with me tonight? This is our time, Y/N. All these guys are suddenly talking to you because you're so hot and you have no time for me.”

Then, without any warning, he kissed you. It wasn't a long kiss, but longer than expected. When he pulled away, his head fell on your shoulder. “Holy shit,” Yoonbin's voice said. You hadn't even noticed him and Junkyu.

“We never speak of this,” you say and they nod. “Come on, help me get him home.”

It was kind of a struggle, but you guys eventually got him on Junkyu's back and then home. You were relieved your parents weren't awake because you didn't want Jihoon to do something dumb.

Before Jihoon fell asleep, you made him eat something and drink water.

♡♡♡♡

“I did what?!” Jihoon shrieked, rubbing at his temples right after. His headache had gone down a great deal, but not completely. “No, there's no way. Did I do anything else?”

Yoonbin nodded, “You called her hot.”

That made him groan and bury his head in his hands. You had gone to get ice cream with Herin and he was sure you were telling her what happened. The two of you had only just met but he could tell you hit it off and finally had a girl to confide in.

“How bad is this? Like, have I made things totally awkward or will Y/N and I be okay?”

Silence took over as the three boys thought about this. “Honestly, I think Y/N just chalked it up to a drunken mistake on your part,” Junkyu confessed. “Knowing Y/N, she'll pretend it never happened.”

Jihoon didn't know how he felt about that. On one hand, he wished it had never happened, so pretending it didn't was the next best thing. On the other, all he wanted to do was talk about it with you. He couldn't just leave the situation up in the air, could he? This was why he never wanted to confess his feelings to you. When feelings got involved, things only got complicated.

The front door opened and Jihoon wondered if it was your guys’ parents coming back from whatever thing they had planned to do in town. “I'm back!” you called out, shutting the door behind you. You went upstairs and found the three boys in Jihoon's room. “Feeling better?”

Jihoon swallowed hard as he nodded. Things felt weird but he knew that was only on his end. “How was ice cream with Herin?” Junkyu asked, trying to ease the awkwardness caused by Jihoon.

You sat down next to Jihoon. You were close, closer than he expected. He felt like he couldn't breathe properly. “Good. We ran into Eunwoo-oppa and Mingyu-oppa. I think Herin and Mingyu-oppa are really hitting it off.”

Oppa? You were calling Eunwoo that already? The two of you just met! Were you really already that close? It made Jihoon feel upset and jealous and he hated that. He didn't want to be that guy, but he couldn't help it.

“What about you and Eunwoo?” Yoonbin asked. Jihoon looked at him, wondering why he'd ask that. Was he trying to make Jihoon even more jealous? Or was it just to get some clarity. Maybe both.

You shrugged. “I don't know. He's really nice, but I don't think it'll go anywhere,” you confessed, making Jihoon feel relieved. You looked at him and then grabbed his chin gently between your thumb and index finger. “Are you sure you're feeling better? You look flushed.”

Probably because he was. He wasn't sure how he looked, but he was freaking out on the inside. His heart was beating like a drum and he thought he would combust any second from your touch.

“I-I'm fine, just a little hot,” he finally said, cringing at his word choice.

Nodding slowly, you said, “Okay. Let's all watch a movie together. I'll meet you guys down there.”

They watched you leave before Junkyu hit Jihoon's arm. “Are you trying to make it awkward?!” he exclaimed. “Y/N was acting completely normal but you were acting like you two just met!”

“I know! I'm sorry!” Jihoon exclaimed. “I just can't help it. Even though I don't remember the kiss, I still feel like it only made me like her more. Now that I've crossed that line of friendship, it's hard to be just friends.”

Yoonbin sighed, “Then either talk to Y/N or get over it. This summer will be painful if you keep acting this way.”

That night, Jihoon couldn't sleep. He just laid in bed staring up at his ceiling, listening to the soft, low hum of the fan he had on his dresser. Earlier at dinner, he spazzed out when you got too close to grab some more rice and he ended up spilling soda all over you. He was sure his mother noticed he was acting weird and was thankful she didn't say anything … yet.

Normal. He just wanted things to be normal again. Checking the clock, he saw that midnight was just a few minutes away. With a smile on his face, he threw his covers off and went to your bedroom. You were sound asleep and he felt guilty waking you up, but only a little.

“Y/N, wake up,” he said softly, shaking you gently. You woke up fairly quickly.

Rubbing at your eyes, you whined, “What are you doing?”

“Come on, let's go for a midnight swim.”

That made you smile. A midnight swim was a tradition for you and Jihoon. The first midnight swim always occurred within the first week of summer to mark its official start. Midnight swims were sacred for the two of you because they were just yours. No parents, no Junkyu, and no Yoonbin. It was your time with each other, so it was special.

“Okay, let me just change.”

He shook his head as you climbed out of bed. “No time! We'll just swim in our clothes!” he exclaimed in a hushed tone. Without another word, he grabbed your hand and pulled you along with him.

The two of you were panting slightly as you stood on the beach near the water. The night was quiet and no one else was out, which was kind of surprising. “Um, Jihoon?” you questioned, finally able to get a word in. He hummed in response, his eyes taking in the waves in the moonlight. “I'm not wearing pants.”

His eyes immediately went to your legs, realizing you were only in a T-shirt and underwear. “Sorry!” he exclaimed, peeling his eyes away. “I shouldn't have just pulled you out of there like that or looked at you.”

That made you giggle and he was kind of confused. “It's fine. It was basically an invitation for you to look.”

“Well, we can just swim in our underwear? It's like swimwear anyway.”

You both knew that wasn't completely true. Underwear was more intimate than swimwear, which was why they were called “intimates”. Still, you didn't say anything and nodded instead. Jihoon was quick to strip and remove his shirt and sweatpants. He waited nervously as you removed your shirt.

“You can look at me, Jihoon. I won't think you're a pervert or anything,” you said. He nodded and looked at you, trying his best to not check you out. You held out your hand. “Come on, let's go.”

He took your hand and then the two of you ran into the water. For the next half hour or so, you just swam and talked. Things felt normal for the first time all day. Maybe things didn't have to return to normal, though. Things had changed, clearly, but maybe it wasn't bad. Maybe things could change to a new kind of normal.

“Summer has officially begun,” Jihoon grunted softly as he sat down on the porch of the house. Content smiles were on both of your faces.

You sighed happily. “I thought it was going to be like any other summer, but it feels different. It feels like something big will happen.”

You sounded wistful; like you hoped it would be different. “Are you talking about the kiss?”

Jihoon couldn't believe he blurted that out. All he wanted to do was disappear, but he couldn't. “That kiss didn't mean anything, Jihoon. I mean, you were just drunk and upset,” you said. “We can't like each other, either, right? We just wouldn't work. I mean, me with you?”

What was that supposed to mean? “Yeah, you're right. We wouldn't work,” Jihoon said, getting worked up because he was upset. “I'm not good enough for you, right? I can't compare to Eunwoo. He's gorgeous, tall, and x, y, and z. Why would you want me when you could have him?”

You opened your mouth to talk, but Jihoon was already storming inside.

♡♡♡♡

“Where's Jihoon?” your mother asked, joining you on the porch the next afternoon.

You shrugged, “Probably with Junkyu or Yoonbin. I don't know.”

She sat down next to you. “Interesting.”

Letting out a small sigh, you bookmarked your page and set your book down. It was obvious your mother knew something was going on between you and Jihoon and wanted answers. “We got into a fight last night, okay?”

Clearly, you were upset. “What happened? Come on, vent to Momma,” she said, making you smile a bit.

“At that party the other night, he got really drunk and kissed me. I was gonna act like it hadn't happened for the rest of my life since I thought it was just a drunken kiss, but I think it meant more to Jihoon than I thought,” you confessed to her. “He brought it up last night and then stormed off looking upset. I was just flustered and couldn't stop talking, so I think there was some misunderstanding. I've tried to clear things up, but he's avoiding me, ignoring my calls and texts, and even hangs up Yoonbin and Junkyu's phones when I call them.”

She smiled, soothingly stroking your hair. “He's just upset. Give him time to cool off and I'm sure he'll be open to talking again. Jihoon could never stay mad at you.” You nodded, hoping she was right. “The more important thing is if you like Jihoon back. From what I can tell, he likes you but is jealous of other guys, especially Eunwoo.”

You had no idea how she knew about Eunwoo and could only assume she had eavesdropped when you were on the phone with Herin earlier. “Eunwoo is nice and everything, but he's a little dull and awkward. I really like Jihoon. He's like my best friend. He understands me so well and everything about him is great. I think I've always liked him but I've wanted things to stay normal.”

“Well, sometimes normal has to change and become a new normal. Don't let ideas like that keep you from being happy, sweetie,” she told you. She made a really good point.

You smiled at her, “Thanks, Mom. I really needed this.”

“Of course, kiddo.”

She went back inside and you picked your book back up, feeling better than you had all day.

That evening, you had been so prepared to talk to Jihoon, but he didn't come home. You had forgotten Junkyu was going to have his house to himself, so Jihoon was staying over along with Yoonbin. Junkyu had invited you, but you felt awkward to just show up after a whole day of avoiding each other. You decided to just stay at home with all the parents. It was weird since Jihoon and you were almost always together, but it really helped you to realize just how much Jihoon meant to you.

You couldn't sleep that night. It was so weird that the whole day passed without you and Jihoon talking. It made you feel weird and unsettled. Instead of just laying in bed, you went downstairs for ice cream. When you got down there, you just about had a heart attack when you saw Jihoon sitting at the table.

“What are you doing here?!” you exclaimed in a hushed tone, a hand over your pounding heart. “I almost peed my pants!”

That made the corners of his mouth twitch slightly. “I couldn't sleep, so I left Junkyu's,” he told you. You nodded, feeling awkward. “Okay, that's not the complete truth. I felt really guilty for ignoring you all day and couldn't sleep. I came here to talk to you, but I chickened out and have been sitting here trying to give myself the confidence for the past 10 minutes.”

“You didn't have to chicken out. I've been trying to talk to you all day.”

He nodded. “I know, but I was hurt and upset.”

“That's why I was trying to talk to you. It was a misunderstanding, Jihoon. I was just talking without thinking because I like you, too. Eunwoo-oppa is just a friend. He may be good looking and stuff, but he doesn't begin to compare to you,” you confessed. “You're my best friend, Jihoon, and you'll always be my number one. I never told you this because I was afraid of things changing, but I shouldn't be. Change is good and that's how a new normal can come about.”

He finally cracked a smile. “God, I'm an idiot,” he said softly. He was going to say something else but shut his mouth when you used your finger to angle his head and kiss him.

It was awkward since he was sitting and you were standing, but he was quick to pull you down onto his lap. The kiss spoke more than actual words. You knew he wanted you and vice-versa. You guys loved each other and didn't have to be afraid anymore. The kiss was filled with passion as your lips moved in sync and tongues explored. It probably wouldn't have escalated from there, but you would never know. The kiss was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a camera. You turned and saw both of your mother's.

Letting out a small yelp, you threw yourself off Jihoon. In the process, you tripped over your own foot and fell on your back. “You guys are so embarrassing!” Jihoon cried out as he quickly helped you up.

“Hey! Let us be happy!” his mother exclaimed. “Do you know how long we've waited for this? We've been wanting you two to end up together since you were kids.”

You sighed. “You got your wish, happy?” you asked. They nodded and you shook your head slightly. “We're going to bed, now, so goodnight.”

All of you went to your respective rooms. You pecked Jihoon's lips one last time before turning to go to your room. Jihoon grabbed your wrist and spun you around, crashing his lips onto your own. Once again, you got distracted and lost in the kiss.

“Sleep well, Y/N,” he said softly as you went to your room, making your insides melt.

You both shut your doors and let out dreamy sighs before climbing into bed, ready for whatever the rest of the summer had in store for you guys.

[dysfunctional-college-roommates]

How do I stay confident in my writing? When I read stuff from other people I always get so insecure and start hating myself bcs I know I'll never be as good at it as they are.. Should I quit? Or start in my own language instead of English?

Okay, let me split this into two parts:

1. How do I stay confident in my writing? When I read stuff from other people I always get so insecure and start hating myself bcs I know I’ll never be as good at it as they are..

Honestly, I wish I knew how to stay confident in my writing all the time. Unfortunately, I think that insecurity is often inherent to expressing yourself (sorry). Trust me, I have a lot of insecurity about expressing myself, especially out loud.

Now, I’m going to tell you something that probably won’t help: if you don’t like your writing, it might be that you’re trying to please someone other than yourself. I know - it sucks. You’re trying your hardest, and I’m sure it’s at least ten times harder in a secondary language. Plus, it seems like, if you want to write something for other people to read, you should be writing what they like? Yeah, don’t do that. Even if you think you’re a complete weirdo, there are more than 7 billion people in the world, and plenty of them will like what you do with words.

But truthfully, that’s the sort of advice that’s definitely annoyed me in the past. And there’s a reason that it doesn’t anymore: I’ve learned to write the things that please me. And, yes, that can be a very difficult thing to do. There are a couple of reasons that I’ve been able to get there. The first has to do with a fic. I love writing this fic, and the reason is that I don’t restrict myself when I’m writing it. Maybe it’s because I have little willpower, but when I come up with an idea like including a random glitter wand, I hesitate and wonder if it’s too ridiculous, but then I include it anyways. I write sentences that sound weird, but I love them because they sound weird.

But that’s only one part of it. For me, at least, I need a bit of propping up. The truly wonderful thing about this fic is the commenters. I have amazing commenters. There are a particular few who are exceedingly supportive friends of mine, and they leave me beautiful, long comments that reinforce many of things that I loved when I wrote them. They tell me that the glitter wand was hilarious. They quote my weird sentences back at me, and they tell me that they haven’t read things phrased that way before and they loved it. I highly recommend finding friends like this. (And one of the best, though not only, ways to find them is to leave similarly beautiful, long comments on their fics.)

Anyways, circling back, the second reason has to do with a different story. This is a story that has a lot of differences from my beloved fic, the most important being that I never plan to have anyone read it. I decided this very early on. I looked at my concept, and I thought, “This is too weird for other people. But I’m going to write it anyways.” I write it for me. Now, I know that I said that I need the propping up, but I do still get that from my fics, and I’ve been writing far longer than I’ve been sharing it; I can do without feedback on everything.

But like I said, this story is different from every other that I’ve written because I started knowing that it was just for me. It takes out a lot of the hesitation that I have writing odd things even in my beloved fic. In this story, if the phrase “the ever-loving ghost of fucking Elvis” comes into my head, I just write it. I don’t worry about what people are going to think reading it, because no one ever will. And it makes me happy. And so, when I go back and read over it, it still makes me happy, because its oddness perfectly matches the inside of my head. It takes work, but it’s a wonderful thing to have the oddness of your writing match the oddness of your head.

That’s a whole lot of long, anecdotal stuff, but the point is, find a way to write in a way that you love, if you can. Whether it’s through finding people to reinforce what you like about your writing, or through writing things just for your eyes - be free, or something cliché like that. And if you don’t know yet what you like to write, that’s okay. That’s hard, too, and you’ll get there through (more dreaded advice) practice. If you keep writing, eventually you’ll get to a point where you like what you’ve written. I know it may seem impossible, but it’s true. I’ve felt those insecurities, too, and I’ve definitely been a far less competent writer than I am now. I have a collection of word documents housing words I don’t like to prove it! (I mean, I would provide an example, but this ask is already so long…)

2. Should I quit? Or start in my own language instead of English?

This part is up to you. No one can (or should) tell you that you have to write or not write, or what language you should do it in. Writing is ultimately about you - another cliché moment, but only you can write the things that you’ll write in the way that you’ll write them. If it’s something you love, then I hope you won’t let insecurity stop you. Insecurity already wins so many battles - fight it on this one! I mean, if you want to. Pick your battles and all that.

Anyways, for the language - if you feel like what you’re writing isn’t saying quite what you want it to, that might be an indication to switch to your first language, at least for a story or two. It can be difficult to express yourself exactly how you want in a secondary language. And of course, you don’t have to do only one or the other - you can write some stories in both (all?) of the languages you know. Write multilingual stories. Do whatever you want!

TL;DR: Write what you want, even if you think it’s weird. Write it just for your eyes, and/or find people who will get excited about your writing with you. Write because you want to, and you’ll get closer to what you want your writing to be. Write in any/all languages you want to write in. And maybe I can sum it all up in one sentence: Don’t let anyone else tell you how to write, not even anyone theoretical.

Anyways, there’s all my clichés and advice and whatnot. I might have scared you off, but if not, you can talk to me again, anon or not! :)

[punkscowardschampions]

Band? Band.

Starring Ali, Caleb, Marlene, Ro, Drew and Meena

Ali: Okay, you band of misfits (spoilers), I've gathered you all here today to proposition each and every one of you Ali: Don't get too excited, but do, 'cos enthusiasm trumps talent which you all have in droves (sufficiently buttered? yeah? nah?) Ali: I think we should all jam Ali: Make something happen Ali: Who's in? Caleb: I'm feeling it Ali: ✊ Marlene: I'm busy with pussy worship Marlene: you two don't need me to make sweet music Ali: Not what I've heard on the grapevine or your statuses Lene Ali: We do, we do! You're the best bassist I know, not even a cop-out, I got the connections you know Ali: Think of it as practice for your real band if it makes you feel less guilty PLEASEEEEEEEEEE, full puppy dog eyes Marlene: sometimes the socials are the last to know. Don't have to tell you that Marlene: Those baby blues don't work on me I'm immune now Ali: Impossible! You, and that claim, gah! Well never mind then, offers still there for when you remember just how blue my eyes is/you are without me Marlene: ⛔🖕 Marlene: I'll take the credit when you write a song about it. No more Ro: I'm not really sure what I can bring to the table but say no more, anything you need, it's a given. Ali: You'll get groupie infamy and nothing more, deal with that injustice, Marianne had to FIGHT for those co-writer creds sweetie 💋 Ali: You're bringing those piano playing fingers of fury, duh! You and Meena could do AMAZING duets, I practically insist, my ears and 💚 needs the beauty Meena: I'm up for that! Sounds deadly! 😊 I'm nowhere near as skilled as Ro but I'm a willing pupil and know how to let someone else lead 😛 Ro: Well, if you insist, how can I refuse? Especially in the wake of Meena's enthusiasm (not to mention misplaced flattery) too Caleb: While we on the vibe of sick duets I've got some shit written Caleb: don't mind throwing it out for a practice sesh Ali: I bow at all your feet and throw 🌹s too Ali: Yay! Ali: We'll need that 'cos I'm not overly confident on anything I've got squirreled yet, need as many voices, lyrics and vibes as possible Ali: Speaking of, not added my brother but he'd be able to help when he's about, making sure its danceable and whatnot 'cos what is the point of a song you can't get down to, yeah? Ali: And Drew? Drew: If I get to spend more time with my little sis and you guys then of course Drew: Don't know what you'd want from me but I can suggest the perfect place to jam, as Caleb hasn't got in there fast enough (soz bro) Drew: The barn at ours would be perfect, no complaints and a big place that'd be easy to get right with the...acoustics? and stuff Caleb: ayyy my bad! My boy come thru tho Caleb: the barn'll be sweet Caleb: keep us fed too 👌 Ro: Such a good idea, Drew! As excited as I am I'd still rather not carry a keyboard everywhere Ro: Piano even less so, of course Drew: I'd like to say I got you but 💪 got my limits, sadly 😞 so much for being a gent Meena: Ugh, Drew, you dork! Going to make everyone feel sick 😂 Ro: It's sweet and I really appreciate the sentiment even if it can't be carried out. You have your moments of being a gentleman regardless Caleb: 😂😂 when we getting together then? Drew: 😌 you must inspire it in me Ali: Omg you've gotta secure Gus, babe! For the food and the tunes Ali: That would be sick, that said...what's everyone up to this weekend? Caleb: No drama 👍 Not a big ask he'll be living for this  ✌ Caleb: I can make Sunday work after ⛪ Ro: If we're saying afternoon that works for me too, the piano lessons I'm giving will be over with well before then Ali: I know, he loves me and this is all one big ploy to hang with him more and really cement that love tbh, soz lads Ali: I can do Sunday, its not gonna be so hardcore that the lord will be a hater 🙏👐 Meena: Hehe, what's more chill than a jam sesh? Lets do this 🤗 Caleb: He'll be vibing 👏 loves it when we raise the roof hitting those choir notes Drew: 👍 Ali: Hardly a choir boy, either of yous 😉 but ready to be impressed by your range 😏 Caleb: Don't be spreading that, tica, barn accoustics do be on point and my ma don't need to be catching on to that rep. Her boy be 👼 😇 don't trip Ali: 🤐 Secrets safe with me 🖖 scout's honour Caleb: 🙌 Drew: You guys are precious Ro: Agreed Meena: 💕 Caleb: 😂 Caleb: I got some cousins who'd be down for this, do I get them over or see how sunday be? Ali: The more the merrier as far as I'm concerned, if they're gonna need more to convince them than we'll have by then, tis your call baby Ali: Carry on the celebrating from Church, like Caleb: They'll be feeling it as things stand Caleb: It's chill Ali: Then come thru Cavantes Caleb: 🎊 Ro: We've got 2 music stands, I'm happy to bring them if someone is willing to help me fetch and carry Ali: Yes, you will need that help 'cos Mother would lose her shit if we came thru empty handed so I will have food stuffs to win the fam round Drew: I can help 😊 maybe we can do a coffee run beforehand Ro? Ro: Thanks so much Drew. That'd be great if you're sure you don't mind. I'll do some baking as well because Ali makes an excellent point and there'll be plenty of time whilst I'm babysitting Saturday night Caleb: Now we cooking fam! 👏 This is gonna be something I feel it Meena: Fun, fun! Not to be the creepy understudy that is seemingly trying to BECOME you but do you want any kid wrangling help, Ro? 'Cos It'd be time for us to get on the 'level' and just shameless catch up over fairycakes 😋 Drew: Its a date 💘 Ali: Yes, you see my vision peeps 🔮 Ro: I can't deny that instant appeal, but I do have to warn you Meena it's the Turners and their much awaited (by them at least) forth child has arrived! Hopefully that won't put you off entirely though because I'd honestly love that Meena Meena: 🙊 Ooh er! Bless them, not my faves but a baby is still a baby and babies are cute! Meena: Not the only one who can secure a date, Drew 😉 hehe Drew: 😳😝 Ali: Enough shameless flirting everyone, Lene will charge me for her wasted time lurking 😉 We know the plan, and I'll give you the addy should you decide you wanna find us, babe Ali: 💚💚💚 love y'all Meena: TTFN, see everyone Sunday, if not before! 💗 Drew: ✌ looking forward to it Ro: Me too. Slán go fóill! Caleb: Big love 💛 The hype is real ✌

[tvnacity]

so i have this theory that ppl on tumblr take things anons say to heart more than non-anons. so, here we go, but if you need a friend, let me know and i'll come off anon. anyway prepare for a spam of messages. when i struggled with anorexia, i didn't know really anything about eating disorders. i thought that anorexics didn't eat at all, and i ate, just not enough, so surely i was fine. i thought that the fear i had of weight-gain was just something everyone had, and that's why magazines (c)

are always telling you how to diet and stuff. because everyone feels fat and everyone diets. not just me. it took me finding out that my liver was failing to believe i had anorexia. while i weighed very little, a healthy girl i knew who was just somehow naturally thin was the same weight so i rationalized i could be too, but no two bodies are the same. anyway, all those scary phrases like “slowing heart” and “failing liver” snapped me out of my denial, but even then there was still so much to be done and frankly, so little time because my body was falling apart. i had to want to recover, and i had to do it. i’m not telling you to get up and eat 3 meals tomorrow, but i’m asking you to confront the truth now (as i’m sure you already have) and just say it to yourself: i have an eating disorder. next, if you’re feeling up to it, maybe confide in someone and see if at the very least they can keep an eye on you. and then, if at any point you feel you can recover, if you need a friend that understands or some really good resources (i’ve worked in the past for an eating disorder association thing so i’ve got lots of info and references and whatnot), just let me know. well, i guess you can’t, but if when you read this message you think in the future there’s a chance you’d want to reach me, just give the word and i’ll come off anon. but most of all, i don’t want to scare you or pressure you. really, i just don’t want anyone else to go through what i did and i definitely don’t want anyone else to lose their life if i can prevent it. you are strong and beautiful and smart and wonderful and capable and most of all, you’re going to be okay. sending lots of hugs 💗

First of all, I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to send these messages. I know it probably took a while to write out, and I truly feel so appreciated. Also, I’m so sorry I didn’t see this earlier. My blog did not give me the notifications until like 2 days ago (oh, tumblr), and I wanted to wait until I actually had time to sit down and answer thoroughly before I replied. As for whether anons mean more, I’m not sure?? Maybe? I don’t know, I love getting anons, though :).

This message actually opened my eyes a lot?? Because honestly I was still operating under the assumption that anorexia and health were very black and white, i.e. anorexics don’t eat at all and if you do eat you’re probably fine. Like, I know that that isn’t true, but I’d never really put thought to it, and it was easy to justify my actions by saying, “Well, I’m not anorexic because I eat.” So, thank you for making me come face to face with myself, at least a little bit.

Actually accepting the fact that I may have an eating disorder is extremely difficult for me to do… Honestly, I’m not sure I’m ready to say that to myself yet, even though that realization is always kind of on the fringes of my thoughts. So… yeah, I don’t really know what to do. Because I am not sure I have a problem, which probably sounds really freaking stupid because obviously eating one meal a day isn’t normal, but I still think it could be okay?? I don’t know… I’m not losing weight, so it’s pretty easy to say that I’m fine. If I do start losing weight, then I’m going to have to confront my issues, and there’s no way around that.

As for someone keeping an eye on me, I have 2 friends 500 miles away that know I don’t eat as much as I should, but they don’t know the extent really. Like, they know I skipped lunch through a lot of high school, but I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate hearing that I ate a grand total of 3 meals during finals week. So I might open up to them more. I don’t know, I’ll think about it. Also, I do have one friend here that knows I don’t eat much, and she keeps on me and my other friend (who used to have an eating disorder) to actually eat, because we both average one meal a day and maybe a few snacks. It’s a situation where I don’t think I have a big problem at this point because I don’t mind eating when I’m really hungry and I’m maintaining my weight, but I do have someone who I see at least twice a week who does tell me to eat when I tell her I haven’t… if that makes sense.

I’m definitely going to remember this message. I won’t trouble you to come off anon, but if you are compelled to do so, feel free and I’ll appreciate it. If not, no harm done. Thank you so much. You’re amazing :)