#i love my alone time dearly. i also take connections very very seriously

[psalmsofpsychosis]

Like, the fact that the closer someone physically sits to me, the more i "feel" them. It's something that has always been so fascinating to me. You could say something to me from across the room and it could be something kind and caring and i wont feel a single damn thing because you're standing across the room; but you sit beside me and out thighs touch and you could be talking about groceries and i feel so goddamn much, i feel the tone of every word. Physical proximity is massive to me, i dont feel like my words carry at all if i dont touch the other person, so i'm often patting backs and shoulders, hugging, etc.

I think a lot of people have been kind to me in the past and i didnt feel their kindness at all and simply intrepreted the moment as cold and lonely because they took two sits further from me or sat across the room and i really cannot feel people across physical distance. On occasions i actively intrepret physical distance as hostility– not that the person is trying to be hostile, but that the further someone sits the lonelier i feel and that scares me.

[ellana-ravenwood]

“You are not hard to love” - Bruce Wayne x Fem!Reader

Something very VERY quick, that I suddenly felt compelled to write, once again in the middle of the night. I didn’t plan on writing it, but here we are. This is for anyone who ever felt like they were “hard to love”. You’re not. You just haven’t found the right person...Anyway, here. For you : 

__________________________________________________

To be “hard to love” is a character flaw Bruce always felt he had. 

It was actually hard, to exist with this knowledge, no matter how little he tried to make himself feel. Or not feel, for that matter. 

As “Brucie Wayne”, a lot of people liked him, and the rest hated him for being so arrogant and smug. There were no inbetween. 

Many people judged him to be just another idiot with a lot of money. They hated his guts. Or they admired him for his self-confidence. Still thinking, though, that he was a bit of a dunce. 

It was fine. He wanted them to think that of him. To see him for someone he really wasn’t. So it’d blur the line, so they’d never guess who the Batman really was. 

As a result, it was difficult, to love, truly love, “Brucie Wayne”. Then again, he wouldn’t want anyone to love him for what he wasn’t. This public persona of him, would never know real love. It was fine. 

But his real self. His real self. 

Batman. 

Was probably the number one reason Bruce felt he was so hard to love... 

Who would want to put up with this shit ? Who, in their right mind, would want to love a man like him ? Bruce knew himself very well. Unfortunately. 

Sometimes, even him couldn’t stand himself. 

He knew he could be abrasive, arrogant, self-important, cold, too focus on a task at hand to care about anyone’s feelings etc etc...He knew that his real self, the one he showed more with his Batman side, wasn’t very likable. 

He found it hard, to connect to others. It was hard to stay connected anyway, when he was always stuck in his own head. 

He knew himself very well. He did. He knew how he was, and he couldn’t possibly see anyone putting up with it, and loving him. 

He didn't even like himself very much...

Every single time he fell in love, things didn’t end well. Because he’s too high maintenance. Because it’s hard to keep up with him and his moods...even for someone like Selina Kyle. 

Even she, whom he felt understood him more than anyone he met before, got tired of his games. Ah, but she was also too fiercely independent for what he wanted. Mmm...But who was he fooling ? He knew she’d never stay too long with him, not only because she was independent, but because he was too difficult to be with. 

And it hurt. It really did. 

Because deep down, what Bruce really wanted...It’s love. Real love. True love. Unconditional love. As stupid as it might sound, to anyone knowing him. Ah but, if you truly knew him, it all made sense. 

He would never admit it, not even to himself, but his fear of being completely abandoned ran deep. And his want of finding someone who would accept him for who he truly was was even deeper. 

But he was hard to love. 

Who could ever put themselves through the ringer like that, and love someone like Bruce Wayne ? Like...Like Batman ? 

And then...then you came in. 

************

He still thought he was hard to love. Difficult to be with. 

Your relationship, at that time, was somewhat new. It hadn’t been serious for long. But serious it was, in Bruce’s eyes, at least. 

Ah but he kept thinking he was too hard to love. That you would leave for sure, once you would realize it. His insecurities got the best of him often, even as he tried to ignore them and just enjoy what he had for the time being. 

Up until...

It happened shortly after his first real fight with you. He had one of his “dark day” (which he didn’t have much anymore), where he would be ultra-focus on his Batman work, and be a jerk to any outside distraction. 

Except you would have none of it, as you were trying to tell him something important. And thus, the fight began. 

And he shut down. Put up walls, once again, between him and you. Because that’s what he did. And it made everything worst, of course. 

He couldn’t stand the flood of feelings that came from being too emotional. Angry because of the fight, sad too, and absolutely terrified he might lose you if you guys fought enough for you to realize he’s just...Too hard to love. 

So he suppressed his emotions. As usual. It was much easier for him to give you the silent treatment than go through the pain of talking it out. It was too overwhelming for him, he wasn’t good at the whole “feeling things”. 

He was too afraid he’d say something he would dearly regret. He knew it was healthier, to talk it out. But he just couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with those emotions. And so he shut you out, you got frustrated, and then Dick tried to...

The sweet little boy tried to get you two to talk, to calm down, and Bruce snapped at him. He didn’t meant to. He instantly regretted it. But he did.

Which was the last straw that broke the camel back for you. You told him to “go to hell”, took Dick’s hand (who looked absolutely crestfallen, just remembering his facial expression made Bruce’s heart hurt), and left. 

Bruce felt like this was it. He just ruined the one good thing in his life. 

The one thing that, after years of being stuck in the dark, brought him light. 

You, and his newly adopted son. 

Lights of his life. 

He needed you two. But he understood if you decided to go...He was too hard to love. He would let you go, if it meant you’d be happier (what a fool). 

He was too much, too much. 

For hours, hours and hours, he beat himself down for it. Stuck in his own head once again. Hating himself. 

Sitting alone in front of the batcomputer, barely paying attention to what is scrolling on the screen...Bruce felt like shit. 

Why ? Why did he have to be like that ?

Why couldn’t he...be someone who was easy to love ? Who wasn’t a constant challenge to everyone around him ? 

Yes. That’s it. He was a challenge. A challenge who could’nt-

Footsteps. Taking him out of this darkness spiraling downward and downward. 

And it’s you. You’re right there. Looking at him critically, and he’s sure...

He’s sure you came to break up with him. That he shut you out one too many times. That him being a jerk to little Dickie was too much. That-

“There’s-”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t hear you say it. So he cuts you off, with words that made his heart bleed : 

“I know, we’re done.”

“Excuse me ?”

He can’t look at you. Can’t bear it. He turns around, and continues, trying to sound as neutral as possible, trying to not let his voice crack, going right to the point, as fast as possible, so he can keep it up : 

“I went too far. Too many times. You’ve...had enough of me. I understand.” 

“What ?” 

In your voice, he can hear surprise. Ah. You were too nice to realize that one day, it would come to this. That one day, you were doomed to leave him because he was too much. 

You were too...good for him, to him. Too good to realize he knew it all along. 

And so here you were, surprised he figured it out. Surprised he knew, before you told him, that you were leaving him. 

“I know I’m hard to love. I do. And you-”

“Wait wait wait, uh ? You think I’m gonna bail out because you were a jerk ? You think you’re too hard to love ? Oh Bruce...”

There’s a short pause, as if you’re searching for your words. 

He looks up at you, feeling a dash of hope invade his heart. He tries to fight it, but he can’t. Because...Because...Finally, you say : 

“Bruce. When we started this, when it became serious, when I decided to jump in your life and in Dick’s...I knew what I was getting myself into. I know you enough. I know the Batman side of you. I know you have moments you’re just...you’re just too stuck in your own head, and in your pain. I know.” 

You put a soft hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at you by raising his head. 

“I know what you think of yourself. And I know what others think of you. You’re arrogant, cold, unforgiving blahblahblah insert many more words saying how difficult it is for you to show your true self and emotions. But...But I also know that’s not all there is to you. I know you, and others, are wrong about you. Too hard on you. I know you.” 

You take a step closer to him, and lay your forehead against his. 

“I know you’re funny, like, seriously hilarious. No one ever made me laugh like you. I know you care, sometimes too much, and it’s why things are so hard for you many times. I know you’re actually a great dad, no matter what you think. I know many admire you, you’re truly amazing. You’re smart, caring, loving...I know that it’s hard for you to open up, to love...but when you do, when you do...You love really hard, Bruce. Fully, intensely, passionately, with your entire being. I never felt so loved, than when you hold me. When you-”

There’s a short pause, and Bruce realizes it’s because you’re blushing and have to regain control of yourself again. It doesn’t surprise him. What you’re saying right now, makes his heart beat a hundred time faster, and he can feel his face burning. 

Only you, ever made him blush so...

You take a deep breath, and say : 

“All my life Bruce. All my life I felt I was hard to love.” 

At this, Bruce can’t help but scoff, and he’s about to say something but you cut him off sternly : 

“I’m not done, mister. As I was saying, my entire life, I too, felt like I was hard to love. But when I met you...When I met you, I realized I felt that way because the people around me always made me feel like that. Always made it sound like it was a chore, to put up with me. That they could love me without making any compromises, while I had to change completely for them. Because I was too “difficult” you know ? Because sometimes, I too would have mood swings, or a need to be alone, or...just things that are not considered normal. That are associated with being hard to love. And I was surrounded with people who made me feel bad about this. Who made me feel like I had to change to be normal, and to finally have love.” 

Your arms snake around his shoulders now, and you hold him tight against your chest, kissing the top of his head. 

“You made me realize, Bruce, my Bruce, that...That I’m not actually hard to love. That I was just surrounded with people who weren’t willing to make the effort for me. Which is fine. No-one has to put up with anything if they don’t want to. But...Nobody is hard to love. They just never found the right person. The one willing to fight for them. It’s what you made me realize.”

He holds you back now. With all his might. What is this stinging feeling in his eyes ? 

“I love you. Unconditionally. I know who you are. And I want to fight for you. I will always fight for you. I’m not promising that I’ll never grow frustrated, and yell at you back, to then storm off. I’m not saying we’ll never fight. I’m just saying...It doesn’t matter. Because I love you. And I’ll always find my way back to you.” 

In your eyes, he can see it, there’s a strong light shining. 

One that proves him you love him. Deeply, and unconditionally. 

One that led him out of a dark pass many times before. 

One that proved...That proved maybe, he wasn’t that hard to love. 

Not when he finally found the right one. 

He couldn’t believe you ever thought YOU were hard to love. Ah. Has anyone in the world ever been as perfect for each other as you two were ?

“I love you.” 

He says. His entire being, all his emotions, poured in those three little words. 

“I love you too Bruce. And believe me, saying those words to you ? It’s very easy.”

His arms around you tightens even more. And then you add : 

“Now that this is out of the way...We can talk more about this later, but for now, there’s more pressing matters at hands. I actually came down here to ask if...if you wanted some ice cream ? Dick and I went out for a little bit, and brought all our favorite. Yours, too. We thought we’d need a “pick-me-up”. All of us. As a family. We’re supposed to go through things together...And ice cream helps, yes ?”

He nods. His throat too tight to say anything. And for the moment, it’s fine. He’ll tell you later. He’ll tell you how much you mean later. If he can’t find the words, he’ll find other ways to show you. 

You know anyway. You know he loves you. Just as strong as you love him. 

He loves you just as you are. You love him just as he is. 

“I love you.”

He whispers, and you smile at him, of this life-changing smile that showed him the light... You peck him on the lips, before taking his hand and walking out of the batcave, to the Manor. 

Where ice cream, and a very sweet little boy eager to raise his dad’s spirit, were waiting. 

Unconditional love. 

Bruce Wayne, wasn’t hard to love. And now, he was surrounded with the right people to make him understand this.

__________________________________________________

I just have a lot of feelings about Bruce Wayne haha. I just wanted to write a little something. It also stems from my own feelings. I’m sure we all felt at some point, that we were/are impossible to love. That no one will ever put up with our shit...yet there are people unwilling to give up on you, people who make you “better” etc etc. So. Yeah. I wrote this very quickly. Once again, watch me feel too much in the middle of the night haha. Sorry if this isn’t very good, it’s one of those “bonus” story I suddenly think about and write quickly in one sitting. I enjoyed writing it, but I admit it took less effort than most stories. So. Yes. 

If you liked it, don’t hesitate to leave a little feedback and reblog if ya want :). 

[itbelillian]

deltarune ch2 spoilers

seriously I'm about to spoil the fuck out of the game and also the Alternative Route For Assholes

ok the 24 hour spoiler ban has passed but still: FINAL SPOILER WARNING. 

first: GOD this game is so. GOOD? holy sweet mother of meatball, I have been thinking about it nonstop for the past 2 days. it feels like a shitpost. I love queen dearly. the potassium gag. “what does bosom mean??” “tity.” every single interaction with her and berdly made me PISS myself laughing and especially The Statue. actually this whole game was really, really funny. the part where you and ralsei go on the swan boat, literally on acid, and battle it out with rouxls kaard. who is riding a duck. god where does toby come up with this material?? it is so weird but.... so good. his comedic chops have gotten a LOT better since undertale, and even chapter 1.

the art, music, and mechanics were SPOT ON. the recruitment thing, the implication that at some point you’re going to have to de-recruit someone for the betterment of your town, the town itself, just... good lord. toby has outdone himself. this adds so much complexity to the gameplay that was kind of lacking in undertale? I also love the way that the equipment has been done this time around, it adds an element of strategy to deciding who should get what items and when to equip different items. the team as a whole is so great, mechanics wise. fights with them are INFINITELY more entertaining than fighting alone as kris would be. and the art is WAY better than undertale. I've never been one to criticize Undertale’s graphics, and I still won’t, but it’s impossible to deny that deltarune is a step up in every way. the little animations of kris and susie entering the dark world, susie and lancer’s high-five, the attack/defend animations, just so good. the environments are super aesthetically pleasing, too. the music is great, of course. it’s Toby Fox what am I expecting?? to be honest nothing has really Hit Me the same way any tracks from undertale have, but maybe they will as I listen to them more. a big part of it is the familiarity.

also: I was never too attached to either susie or Ralsei in chapter one, but this really sold it for me. when I played Undertale I felt very invested in the characters, but not so much my friendship with them. it felt very much like we had just met each other. in deltarune I 100000 percent buy the friendship and I ADORE both of them so much? the fact that kris literally does not say anything but still has distinct dynamics with the two of them baffles me but I can’t complain because it is?? so?? amazing??? I was genuinely very upset when ralsei and susie left to do their own thing. I didn’t realize it as it was happening but I really loved having them around. I missed them. also it seems like EVERYONE except me was suspicious of ralsei, but now that it’s been pointed out... yeah. I love him to BITS so it pains me to say but something is Wrong With Him. why can he travel from dark world to dark world without turning into a statue? what are the titans, and why is he only mentioning them now? and actually, ALL of our information about the dark world is coming from him. how much is true? what else does he know that he’s not telling us? 

and what. WHAT. is up with kris? I don’t even have any theories I am just baffled. it seems like they’re the knight, right? have they been creating... all of the dark worlds, including the first one in the storage closet? does this make kris the villain? or is the creation of dark worlds a good thing... meaning ralsei is manipulating us into thinking the dark fountains are evil? Why would they slash Toriel’s tires? why are we possessing them? also I LOVE the puppet theme with the hidden bosses... and it really seems like something about that is not sitting right with kris, either. kris full on shouting that they’re not okay to ralsei after he asks... good god I am SO CURIOUS. the mystery element here is really on point. it’s so easy to settle into the comedy and fun little group dynamic, but something is always Wrong and when something reminds you it is deeply unsettling. the only group member who doesn’t seem to have something freaky and suspicious going on is susie... if she turns out to be evil too i stg im ejecting myself from the stratosphere 

also speaking of mysteries: not knowing how Undertale and deltarune connect is KILLING me. I fully buy into the theory that sans and papyrus are “from” the world of deltarune, originally. if the theory is true, then word search from icee’s pizzeria you find in UT is actually SO? brilliant. SANS GAVE YOU A WORD SEARCH FROM A RESTAURANT THAT ONLY EXISTS IN DELTARUNE. was toby thinking about this all the way back when Undertale was released??? but is deltarune an alternate... timeline? does undertale exist at ALL, if the sans and papyrus thing doesn’t turn out to be true? but if that were the case, why would sans’ grocery store be the same building as grillby’s, logo and all? does sans owning the grillby’s building indicate that sans went to the undertale world to take it?? what is going ON??? 

and just going to say it: snowgrave route in deltarune (is that what we’re calling it???) is a MILLION times freakier than the genocide route in Undertale. like ut is  depressing, it was Unfun to kill my friends, but the way you just... slowly corrupt pure, innocent Noelle and make her do your incredibly screwed up bidding is just disturbing. the way you just say “Proceed” at all the puzzles and like, gaslight her into thinking she didn’t TOTALLY MURK berdly and that ring seller guy... god it’s so messed up but also SO???? amazing??? murdering video game characters makes you feel like you’re... well, playing a video game. but forcing Noelle to do it for you??? something about that feels so much more twisted. god I feel like a sadistic bastard. 

deltarune is not undertale but it’s not trying to be. it definitely feels distinctly different, and maybe more sinister? expectations are through the roof for toby but he’s killing it. I remember being worried when deltarune ch1 was announced, because undertale doesn’t feel like the kind of game that can, or should, be followed up by anything. I think I was wrong though. I don’t know how its possible, but deltarune is the perfect thematic successor to undertale in every way I can think of. tl;dr PLAY DELTARUNE it was good 

[linkspooky]

Frankenstein and the Monster

So there is loads of speculation on a connection between Dabi and Frankenstein’s monster. There are several people who have already commented on it, here, here, and even here. (These are all the ones I could dig up recently). Frankenstein is a novel that can be read in many ways, but I believe the themes of the novel parallels and helps illustrate the relationship between Ujiko, Endeavor and Dabi.

1. Endeavor and Victor Frankenstein

To very briefly touch upon the novel for those who haven’t read it, there are several differences between Boris Karloff’s movie depiction and the original novel. In the novel the creature is intelligent, well spoken, and a reflection of the Doctor Frankenstein himself. To summarize quickly, Frankenstein a very dramatic undergrad student discovers the secret to reviving the dead, uses that to create a monster, then upon seeing how ugly it is flees. The monster grows up in isolation, is spurned by every human he comes across, and then returns to his master and says he will kill everyone the Doctor Loves unless he creates him a mate. Frankenstein destroys the mate, and then the monster destroys his wife to be on the night of their wedding then they chase each other around in the arctic until both of them die. If that wasn’t a sufficient enough summary, this crash course video is a good writeup of the book and it’s themes. 

Frankenstein has a lot to say about science and treading in god’s domain, but it’s also written by a woman who was a teenager at the time (Mary Shelley) who existed in a soical circle of adult men who were much older than her. Just as much as it’s a novel about mad science gone wrong, there are strong themes of feminism, parenthood, and abuse intertwined in the novel. 

Another popular reading is to interpret “Frankenstein” autobigraophically, a reading that was encouraged via 1970s feminist criticism of the novel. Earlier readings along those lines centered Frankenstein as a tale of monstrous birth and look to Mary Shelley’s own experiences with birth, which were pretty terrible.

Mary Shelley’s mother died when giving birth to her, and Mary and Shelley’s own first child, a daughter, died when she was just a few weeks old. And in her journal Mary recounted an incredibly sad dream about this daughter. “Dream that my little baby came to life again; that it had only been cold and that we rubbed it before the fire and lived.”  [Crash Course: Frankenstein]

This is just some background information to add context to your reading. Percey Shelley first met Mary when she was 14, and eloped with her when she was 16 and already pregnant with his child (he was around 24 at the time). Not only that but Percey was married at the time when he eloped with Mary, and his wirst wife did not take it well. 

Harriet (Westbrook) Shelley was Percy Shelley's first wife. While he was still married to her, he ran off with Mary Shelley, leaving Harriet pregnant and alone with their first child. She committed suicide on November 9, 1816 by drowning herself in Serpentine. [x]

As I said these details are all to add context to Mary Shelley’s life while she was writing Frankenstein. A book in which most of the female characters are severely mistreated and harmed. 

There are some pretty feminist critiques to Frankenstein. For instance, the novel clearly shows what harm comes to women (and family and relationships) when men pursue single-minded goals. In fact thanks to Victor’s lack of work life balance pretty much all of the women in this novel die. Victor’s creation of the monster leads to the hanging of the servant Justine the murder of Victor’s bride Elizabeth on their wedding night. [Crash Course: Frankenstein]

To put it as frankly as possible (Haha, get it because frankenstein) there are several points in the novel in which both Victor and Frankenstein act like fuckboys. 

You could easily read the story as one of male entitlement. Victor in the first place, deliberately refers to his bride to be Elizabeth as a possession and says it as a term of affection. 

And when, on the morrow, she presented Elizabeth to me as her promised gift, I, with childish seriousness, interpreted her words literally and looked upon Elizabeth as mine—mine to protect, love, and cherish. All praises bestowed on her I received as made to a possession of my own. We called each other familiarly by the name of cousin. No word, no expression could body forth the kind of relation in which she stood to me—my more than sister, since till death she was to be mine only.

His actions towards Elizabeth in the novel are also, extremely neglectful. Elizabeth spends the novel passively waiting for him to return and marry her, but Victor has a habit of disappearing from her life for long periods at a time with no contact at all in pursuit of his endeavors. (Get it because I’m comparing Victor to Endeavor). 

Elizabeth is someone he feels entitled to own, and entitled to her love (he literally thinks his parents gave him to her) and yet Victor never takes responsibility for Elizabeth and her feelings too wrapped up in his own. When Elizabeth is grieving for the losses of her family, Victor has a tendency to leave her alone to go off to sulk on his own. Elizabeth even pleads multiple times for Victor to come home, to offer some support for the rest of the family with his mere presence and Victor delays these returns home as long as possible. 

“Get well—and return to us. You will find a happy, cheerful home and friends who love you dearly. Your father’s health is vigorous, and he asks but to see you, but to be assured that you are well; and not a care will ever cloud his benevolent countenance.

This treatment also extends to the rest of Victor’s family, who are people he seriously neglects throughout the novel, and also people who are the direct sufferers of the consequences of his actions. His youngest brother is killed, the maid is framed for the murder, Elizabeth dies on the wedding night, Clerval his closest friend is killed, and his father dies soon afterwards of old age / implied grief. 

The monster who Victor creates is also a reflection of him. After knowing the suffering it is to be created as a creature with no family, and no place of belonging he then instructs Victor to make him a woman. A woman that will have no choice but to love him because they will be the only two alone in the world. The monster, also feels entitled to feminine love because he is lonely, with no thought to whether or not the second monster might have feelings, opinions or her own, or might not even like him. 

“You must create a female for me, with whom I can live in the interchange of those sympathies necessary for my being.  This you alone can do; and I demand it of you as a right which you must not refuse.” 

The recurring theme is this: a sense of male entitlement, without a sense of responsibility. What do I mean by Male Entitlement? 

Male entitlement is a product of traditional societal norms. It is cultivated in men as they join a society which usually favors them over the other genders in their careers, relationships, character-standing, and more.   There’s more on it here, and the role of male entitlement in abuse. 

Male entitlement is an attitude where men believe they are entitled to power over others, and/ or ownership of the women and children in their lives. Victor calls Elizabeth a possession given to him, and neglects her throughout most of the book. The monster believes he deserves to have a woman to love him. It’s not masculinity. Masculinity is just masculinity. It’s the belief that they are entitled to power or ownership over others simply because they are men born in a society that favors men. Male entitlement can show up in say, a father who believes he is entitled to the love of his children despite never doing any of the actual work of childrearing and pushing it all on the mother. Believing they deserved to be loved simply for being a father, while being absolutely absent for their lives. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS IN FRANKENSTEIN. 

So, a lot of people interpret Frankenstein as a story of ambition gone wrong, but that interpretation feels like it’s missing something if you don’t include the feminist angle. Frankenstein when doing his mad scientist undergrad bit speculates how he would be a father of a new species. It is specifically, fatherhood accomplished without a mother. That this new species would owe him love. 

A new species would bless me as its creator and source; many happy and excellent natures would owe their being to me. 

An undeniable part of Victor’s motivation is that as the sole creator the child would owe him all of their love. I mean to once again connect this to abuse narratives how many real life parents believe their children have to love them no matter how poorly they treat them? 

No father could claim the gratitude of his child so completely as I should deserve theirs. 

Victor in the novel wants not only fatherhood, but also motherhood. He wants to create life which in victorian society at the time is the role of the woman. And yet at the same time, he doesn’t want to do any of the actual work of motherhood and the roles typically described to women. 

We can read the novel as an exploration of what happens when men fear, distrust, or devalue women so much that they attempt to reeproduce without them. In some ways Victor is trying to bypass the feminine altogether. He’s creating life without recourse to egg or womb.  [Crash Course: Frankenstein] 

Victor creates, and then proceeds to take no responsibility for his creation. He abandons the child for the most shallow of reasons (because it was ugly and looked scary), then leaves a sentient, thinking creature with no idea who it was, or why it was alive in the middle of the mountains hoping it starves to death on his own so he doesn’t have to deal with it. 

but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart. Unable to endure the aspect of the being I had created, I rushed out of the room and continued a long time traversing my bed-chamber.

Victor is the creatures parent, but takes no responsibility as a parent for raising the creature. In fact the child is punished when they are still an innocent, just for not turning out the way their creator intended. 

Frankenstein is a novel which portrays consistently men who aspire to greatness as described in their society (scientific invention, and in the framing device arctic exploration) but who consistently fail everyone in their lives at the most basic levels. In other words as Lizzo said, “Why men great, till they gotta be great.” 

This is where the fire comes in. The original post talks about dichotomy of fire as something that both helps and harms. Fire is a symbol in this book that can be read two different ways, and I think special context should be given to the subtitle of the story. “The Modern Prometheus”, a story which in classical times is a story of hubris where Prometheus steals fire from the heavens and is punished for it. Hubris in the classical greek sense means that a human acting like they know better than the gods. However, the story has a different interpretation in the Romantic / Enlightenment era where Prometheus is seen as a heroic figure stealing fire away from the gods to give knowledge to mankind. 

Fire in the book represents both. Victor is someone who has hubris, he assumes he’s a father who deserves the love of a child and sole responsbility for the creation of another being (effectively making him god), but abandons the creature literally five minutes after finishing him and makes no real attempt to take any effort in raising what is effectively his child. It’s also a story about Victor having ambitions to be great, and to do what no man has done before him. I don’t think the story emphasizes that ambitions are bad, but rather the dual nature of ambition as something like fire, something that can either warm or harm. 

He came upon a fire “which had been left” by humans (Vol. II, Ch. III), so a human tool left in nature. He was “overcome with delight” and joy, but touching it brought him pain. “How strange, [he thinks], that the same cause could produce such opposite effects!” He has learned the dichotomy of flame – to save and to hurt. [x]

Okay, now that we’re done witht hat extremely long essay on an english novel let’s actually talk about the manga where a goth stuck in his rebellious teenage phase tries to light his dad on fire. 

I’m going to be comparing the novel to Dabi and Endeavor in two aspects. 

Male entitlement, believing you deserve the love of a child without acting responsibly as a father. 

Fire, ambition as something that both helps and burns. 

Victor and Endeavor both are characters that decide to create children for very self serving reasons, and treat their families for the majority of their lives as tools to their own ambition. Endeavor wants a child that will carry out his ambitions for him, that he can live vicariously through. It’s not even an interpretation it’s directly stated text. 

Endeavor’s mad science also literally has him treat the woman in his life as tools to use for his own amibition. He fores a marriage on a woman to use her as an unwilling accessory to his eugenics project. 

It is not specifically a story of ambition got wrong, it’s also a story of neglect and abuse of all the women in his life. Endeavor’s ambitions all center around personal greatness for him. Shoto will prove his worth as a hero, as a mentor to him, as a great father. The fact that his motives are entirely selfish, (Endeavor is not focused on being the best hero he can be, but rather his own desire to be the strongest) is something that has an affect on his family and children. 

Fuyumi, Touya, and Natsuo are literally afterthoughts to Endeavor despite being just as much his children as Shoto. He literally only thinks of Rei in the context of “I needed her to give me a family.” Not only that but he’s also an extremely bad father to the one child that he does take an active role in trying to parent, acting extremely controlling towards Shoto and getting extremely angry whenever Shoto did anything that was outside of Endeavor’s wishes for Shoto to fulfill his ambitions. 

Endeavor just like Victor, inspires to greatness as a man and wants the signifiers of that as held up by society, accomplishment (Endeavor wants to be the number one rank even though he technically has far more resolved cases than All Might and the rank is literally just a number), family, and recognition despite having done none of the work. Once again why men great till they gotta be great. At the start of his arc, Endeavor feels entitled to Shoto’s love and obedience, and a role in his life, despite the fact that he’s hideously abused him for most of his life. 

Endeavor like Victor, also abandons several children for failing to meet his expectations. 

Part of Natsuo’s problem with Endeavor has exactly to do this sense of entitlement, Endeavor practically abandons his kids until they’re in their  early twenties to the point where he wasn’t involved in their lives at all (and also separated them from their mother). Remember another point of the book is that Victor wants sole parenthood, to create life without involvement of a woman. 

Endeavor does the exact same thing. He separates the children from their mother. Then while he is the only parent left in the household and effectively responsible for all of his children, he neglects most of them and completely fails to raise them. 

It’s implied besides trying to teach Shoto to use his quirk, he’s literally pushed all of the housework, and actual parenting you know, labor that is involved in raising a child onto Fuyumi. Fuyumi has cooked most of Shoto’s meals, it’s Fuyumi who attends his school conference in the novels. Endeavor has effectively committed the same crime as Victor, creating life and then running away from it by failing to act in any way as the father to his own children. His sense of entitlement shows in his actions and the way he treats the people around him in his life, he uses them for his own ambitions and they get burned. 

Endeavor is someone who has used all of the women in his life for his ambitions. Think Fuyumi, she grew up desperately wanting a family while having effectively no father and all contact cut off from her mother, and also had to take care of household chores and responsibility for both of her younger brothers. Think Rei, who has literally been institutionalized for ten years, and trauma from her experiences that haunts her to this day. Natsuo is someone who has no father, almost no relationship with his younger brother, and is still mourning his other dead brother. Shoto evens tates directly, he views Endeavor as someone to learn how to use his quirk from but hasn’t viewed him once as a father. Endeavor’s never been present as a father in Shoto’s life, despite controlling most of it and giving him all of the attention. He had ambition to pass his quirk from father to son, but never actually acted as a father. 

Endeavor’s treatment of his family, and his reflection for his past actions is also shown using this metaphor for fire. All Might’s ambition to become the strongest hero for the sake of a more peaceful society, is also represented by fire. Especially a flame that he passes from one person to the next, that Nana passed to him, and he passed to Deku.  

Endeavor is almost always associated with the more violent aspect of fire, when he thinks of the harm he’s done to his family it’s always juxtaposed to the fire on his face. 

(The right side fire, the left side Rei’s suffering face.)

Whereas the more gentle associations with fire are almost made with Shoto. Once again the novel of Frankenstein doesn’t decry ambition, it merely explores the consequences of ambitions that were extremely self-interested from the start. Endeavor only wanted to be strong for his own sake. Shoto who wanted to become a hero like All Might who would never make his mother cry, and All Might who wanted to create a safer society are people with strong ambitions that are associated with gentler flames. 

2. Dabi and Frankenstein’s Monster

Sins of the Father or Sins of the Fathers derives from biblical references primarily in the books Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Numbers to the sins or iniquities of one generation passing to another. Basically what it means is its a narrative trope where children are punished or suffer consequences for the action of their fathers. It can also mean that children inevitably reflect what their fathers have done to them, and even resemble their fathers. 

Everything the monster does is a reflection of Frankentstein’s actions. Everything Dabi does is both a consequence and a reflection of Endeavor’s actions. They are both written as sons to be narrative foils to their creator. If anything Dabi is even more of a frankenstein’s monster than Shoto, because a key element to the narrative is that Frankenstein was abandoned for not being perfect according to his creator’s wishes, he was punished for a defect. 

Touya just like frankenstein is a defective creation. One who suffers all of the consequences for what are his father’s sins. Endeavor deliberately took risks with his eugenics experiment that the child might have a quirk not compatible with their body, but it’s the child and not the parent who suffers all of the consequences. Toya literally died - whether he faked his death or not has yet to be revealed but he lost his home and family at a young age, spent most of his life homeless, and has to continually make use of a quirk that burns his entire body. Whether he wants them or not, his father’s sins are pushed onto Dabi. 

The flame that Endeavor is so keen on passing to his children, has literally permanently disabled Dabi, and will negatively effect him for the rest of his life. Consequences that Endeavor ought to suffer are passed onto Dabi instead. Dabi is burned by Endeavor’s actions towards him. 

This is once again something deliberately brought up by the book Frankenstein. The doctor creates life, takes absolutely no responsibility and leaves his creature to starve to death in the wilderness, and then the first time they meet again calls upon his creation to die. 

“I expected this reception,” said the dæmon. “All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things! Yet you, my creator, detest and spurn me, thy creature, to whom thou art bound by ties only dissoluble by the annihilation of one of us. You purpose to kill me. How dare you sport thus with life?

The decision to create life irresponsibly was Victor’s, but the  person who suffers the brunt end of the consequences is not Victor, but rather the creature itself who just like Dabi has no home, and is constistently hurt by the environment around him. 

Dabi is also a symbol of the worst possible aspects of Endeavor’s ambitions. 

To compare Victor and the monster briefly. Victor

Has family / friends 

Home / Money / Wealth

Arrogant / Well Educated 

Self-Destructive 

A tool

The Monster

Abandoned

Ignorant (at first)

Homeless

A tool, but a more sympathetic one.

As you can see they are societally complete opposites. This can be said for Endeavor as well, he still gets to keep his family, his place in society despite what he’s done, he’s wealthy, succesful and well-liked in his community. Dabi is permanently disabled because of something his father did, is legally dead, homeless, separated from his family, and is a villain. 

While they are completely opposite in status, the monster and Victor are eerily similiar. They are both highly intelligent people who carry a strong ambition within them. The Monster basically learns speech, and reading all on his own, and as soon as he can be becomes as well-read as possible. 

Fortunately the books were written in the language, the elements of which I had acquired at the cottage; they consisted of Paradise Lost, a volume of Plutarch’s Lives, and the Sorrows of Werter. The possession of these treasures gave me extreme delight; I now continually studied and exercised my mind upon these histories, whilst my friends were employed in their ordinary occupations.

The monster also shares several of his father’s sin. He repeats the sins that have been done on to him, in the name of vengeance. Frankenstein’s claim is that he was hurt when he was still an innocent, punished before he had done anything wrong, but he also does the exact same thing to VIctor’s youngest brother killing him when he was just a child. 

Victor’s worst sin by far is selfish entitlement, forgetting to consider the feelings of his creation. Yet, the monster knowing how much he suffered by just being created in a world where there’s no one else like him also demands Victor create another creature. This is out of his own personal sense of entitlement, he believes he’s entitled to have someone love him, and if he had this he would be a good person again. 

He believes quite literally he deserves an Eve to share his loneliness in. His own personal feelings of grief and hurt matter more than those of: one the people he kills, and two a potential woman who would be created only to love him. 

But it was all a dream; no Eve soothed my sorrows nor shared my thoughts; I was alone. I remembered Adam’s supplication to his Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned me, and in the bitterness of my heart I cursed him.

The monster also feels entitled to punish Frankenstein, but in this reccuring sins of the fathers he punishes people who are completely innocent of the crime that Frankenstein did to him and have nothing to do with his creation, just to get back at Frankenstein. Including, an innocent boy, a maid who he framed for murder, Frankenstein’s friend, and also Elizabeth. 

Dabi inevitably reflects his father and the environment he was raised in, and resembles him. Dabi who was raised by a quirk supremacist and thrown out because his quirk wasn’t good enough, kills people he doesn’t find worthy. Dabi’s methods are almost entirely based around his his individual strength because he was raised to believe that was the only good part of him. The same way Dabi was thrown out like burnable trash for failing to live up to his standards, Dabi will enact harsh vigilante justice and kill minor crimminals and heroes who fail to live up to his justice. 

Just like for the monster’s actions in punishing Victor, Dabi is called to consider the feelings of family’s of the people he kills. He is also punishing people completely unrelated to what happened to him, in his efforts to hold his father accountable. 

Dabi reflects his father, and quirk society the same things that burned him. He continually believes he has to be the strongest individually, accomplish everything on his own, and spurn others around him. Even those who try to make genuine connections with him like the league of villains. Dabi believes that the world has to be changed with the strength of ambitions of a single person, and his ambitions are far more important than the sense of family within the league. 

Dabi effectively distances himself from two families, the found family of the league, and also his original biological family. Think about how much it might save Natsuo to lean that his brother is still alive. Shoto at least, doesn’t want to see his father roasted alive on live television. 

Dabi’s ambitions are as self destructive as his fathers, as he only knows how to fight by completely burning his body up. He harms himself over and over again by using his quirk to try to change things. 

3. Endeavor and Ujiko

The book ultimately poses the question who is responsible for the actions of the monster, Frankenstein or the Monster itself. However, I think an element missed in a lot of analysis is that the mosnter accepts that most of what he has done is wrong, he just wants people to be held equally accountable for their actions. 

“You, who call Frankenstein your friend, seem to have a knowledge of my crimes and his misfortunes. But in the detail which he gave you of them he could not sum up the hours and months of misery which I endured wasting in impotent passions. For while I destroyed his hopes, I did not satisfy my own desires. They were for ever ardent and craving; still I desired love and fellowship, and I was still spurned. Was there no injustice in this? Am I to be thought the only criminal, when all humankind sinned against me? Why do you not hate Felix, who drove his friend from his door with contumely? Why do you not execrate the rustic who sought to destroy the saviour of his child? 

The monster’s problem is not that he shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions, but rather that he’s the only one whose ever held accountable for his actions. The Monster also spends most of the narrative being treated as a monster, whereas Frankenstein faces no real consequences for what he’s done from the people around him, never loses his standing in society, never is cast out for his wrongs. Frankenstein continually avoids any and all responsibility towards the monster up until his death, and only takes responsibility in violently trying to kill his creation. 

There are also oppurtunities for Frankenstein to take responsibility, which he chooses not to do anything. An innocent maid is about to be executed for a crime that Frankenstein knows she did not commit, and instead of trying to help her by explaining to everyone his creation of the creature, and also that the creature is likely responsible for the murder he says nothing. While not responsible for the women’s death, he is culpable in that he could have taken action to save her but didn’t. 

Franketnstein’s actions are again and again always to run away from the monster and avoid responsibility. From the beginning he runs away from the monster due to it simply being ugly. Both the monster (and also Toya) were punished when they were innocent children who had not committed any kind of crime, by the person who was responsible for raising them, educating them, and giving them everything they needed to become happy adults. 

“Remember that I am thy creature; I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel, whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed. Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. I was benevolent and good; misery made me a fiend. Make me happy, and I shall again be virtuous.”

While Frankenstein and the Monster both entitled, their reasons for entitlement come from entirely different places. Frankenstein’s comes from his own arrogance, believing that he’s destined to do great things, and be a man of status and accomplishment. Why men great till they gotta be great. 

The monster believes he’s entitled to a family, because his father abandoned him, and he’s been homeless most of his life. The monster is violent, but only after he’s endured violence from people several times over. The monster is ultimately a victim of circumstance, and Frankenstein is the one who created that circumstance. 

Considering Frankenstein and the monster are foils, there’s a reason that Frankenstein fears and abhors the monster before it’s even awake. It’s because the monster reflects the ugliness of his own actions. The ugliness in himself that he is completely unable to face. He is a negative character foil in a character sense, and a shadow created by Frankenstein’s actions. 

The monster shows Victor what he is, selfish, entitled, and violent. Victor can’t ever confront the monster, because he can never confront those flaws within himself. 

Dabi is a reflection of Endeavor’s violent, abusive nature. He is also the direct consequence of all of Endeavor’s actions. So the question is, has Endeavor confronted the monstrous side of his actions? The answer is most likely no, because despite doing things as bad as any villain in the story he still views himself as the hero.

Shoto even tells us directly. Endeavor the hero and Endeavor the father are so different they’re almost like two different people. Endeavor continuing to be a hero on the television and coming home to his family is not taking repsonsibility for his actions, not truly, because he still hasn’t accepted the worst of what he’s done. 

In the narrative Endeavor currently feels guilt, and also a desire to atone but we’re also told again and again that atoning means taking responsibility and carrying everything. No building a house where his family doesn’t have to be around him and taking steps to distance himself isn’t taking full resposnibility because Dabi is still running around. Dabi is the embodiment of the absolute worst of Endeavor’s actions, the toxic environment that literally killed Toya, burned Shoto, and hospitalized Rei. I would say Endeavor still hans’t seen the worst of his actions because he still views himself as the hero, just the hero who has made mistakes. We’re shown this in foiling, the same way Fankenstein rejects the monster, Endeavor doesn’t recognize Dabi even though he is literally his own son. 

The strongest evidence of this is Endeavor and Ujiko’s foiling. They are two characters who have a lot in common, they both used children as experiments in their attempts to create stronger quirks including their own family members (Ujiko experimented on his own nephew). 

They’re both men of incredible wealth and status in society, who have deliberately used their status to cover up their cimes. Endeavor used his status to hospitalize his wife for years, he used his status to marry her in the first place, Ujiko uses all of his money and resources to find people to experiment on, and deliberately takes advantage of people in need by using his orphanage and hospitals to farm for materials to make his Nomus with. 

They’re both motivated by their own personal ambitions. They also feel entitled, Ujiko’s specific issue is that the scientific community failed to give him the respect and funding for his research that he thought he was owed. 

The source of Endeavor’s pain is that no matter how hard he works he’ll never become the strongest. The source of Ujiko’s pain is that nobody recognizes his work and achievements in his scientific community. They both want their hard work to turn into achievement, for their efforts to pay off, which again is not a bad thing until they get angry when they’re not given what they think they’re owed. 

Ujiko and Endeavor both become so desperate to accomplish their ambitions that they manipulate people to become tools to fulfill their ambitions for them. Shoto has to carry on his legacy, and learn to use his flame side like Endeavor always wanted. They both create children that they are technically the parent of, but don’t act as fathers. Endeavor is responsible for Fuyumi, Natsuo, Touya, and Todoroki but fails to live up to that responsibility. Ujiko creates the Nomu, which just like the monster in Frankenstein are new life created from the corpses of other people, and then just uses them and disposes them as tools. 

Ujiko even utters a line that is incredibly similiar to Endeavor in the regards to the way they treat Shigaraki and Shoto. 

However how does Endeavor react to Ujiko? Does he understand the harm that he’s done in a new light? No, he falls back on his hero narrative. I am the hero, and Ujiko is the utlimate evil. 

Endeavor so far, like Frankenstein, fails to truly confront the monster. Even when he finally realizes the destructive nature of his desire to be stronger than anyone else when he fights the Nomu, his response is to burn it alive. What is Endeavor’s response? To play hero, and defeat a villain. 

The thing about jungian shadow arcs is that you don’t destroy your shadow, you reintegrated it.  Endeavor can’t symbolically murder his past self because that won’t make his past actions go away, he can only accept them. The question now is: will he do the same thing to Dabi? 

When confronted with who Dabi is and his role in creating Dabi, what will Endeavor’s choice be? Is he going to play the hero, and destroy the villain he sees in front of him. The same way he did with the Nomu, the same way he did with Ujiko, the same way he’s trying to do with Shigaraki (who is, you know a heavy parallel to his own son Toya, and another abused child).

Will Endeavor act as a hero, or the remorseful father he also is? That choice is utlimately what Endeavor’s entire character is written around, does he want to finally be a father or does he want to keep being endeavor the hero? What is more important to him his own ambitions as a hero, or the people he’s harmed? 

Just like Victor, Endeavor’s entire arc revolves around Dabi. He is a hero directly responsible for the creation of a villain. Dabi would not exist if it were not for Endeavor’s direct actions. Not only that but his future will be determined by how he chooses to interact with Dabi once he knows the truth. Endeavor cannot truly take responsibility until he takes responsibility for Dabi.

[brave-clarice]

“Clarice” Liveblog: Episode 1

Here are my extremely unfashionably late takes! They’re long, so strap in if you want.

okay, I genuinely thought the scenes in Gumb’s basement were ripped from the film for a second. extremely well done.

I both appreciate that they’re acknowledging the Bureau-mandated psych eval Clarice would have to go through (not sure she’d have to have another one a year later?)...

...but I sure wish they hadn’t chosen to open this show in a therapy-like session. it’s going to be subject to enough NBC comparisons as it is.

gosh, Rebecca Breeds is so pretty, and in the same almost, idk, elfin kind of way Jodie Foster is.

“Bride of Frankenstein”! a novel reference! and a Hannibal Lecter reference even though they can’t use his name! I’m excited

I was afraid of this part, though--everyone’s going to call her “Clarice” aren’t they?

it’s very significant that in the books, Hannibal is virtually alone in using her first name to address her; even Ardelia calls her “Starling.” but of course this series chose “Clarice” as its title, so...

“the checkout lady at the Safeway asked me to autograph a melon” omg

so Clarice has supposedly been “mandated” to see an FBI therapist for an entire year? hmm.

tbh, this feels kind of like a proxy for Hannibal’s scenes in the movie, especially with the therapist calling her “Clarice.” not sure if I dig it.

“...given that your last therapist was an inmate” Hannibal reference #2!

they’re explicitly talking about Hannibal without being able to name him and it’s hilarious, frustrating, and immensely satisfying all at once.

there’s no way to avoid talking about him altogether without being disingenuous to Clarice’s eventual character arc, so I’m glad they’re ripping off the band-aid early

“you let that relationship be intimate”  Yeah, Clarice and Hannibal’s relationship IS intimate and YOU! SHOULD! SAY IT!!!

it’s kind of ridiculous for this guy/the show not to acknowledge that little trainee Clarice was sent to see Hannibal by someone who should’ve known better. That Crawford was doing it with the intention to save lives doesn’t mean he didn’t use the shit out of Clarice.

that’s not to take away her agency or minimize the choices she made after she met Hannibal. She wouldn’t have been in a position to make those choices if Crawford hadn’t arranged it, though.

even if they don’t have the rights to Crawford’s name, either (I have to assume that’s the case) couldn’t they at least mention this??

“hasn’t seen her own family in years” Are they actually going to address Clarice’s maybe-dead-maybe-not mother (depending on the canon they adopt, book or film) and possible siblings??? Please tell me they are!

Clarice’s “egregious” PTSD doesn’t have much to do with Buffalo Bill ofc, and this therapist seems to be making excuses to be the first in a long line of men getting in the way of Clarice’s career goals...

...which she recognizes and confronts him about. Call him out!!!

*Anthony Hopkins voice* That’s my girl.

the way she’s been written in this scene gives me a lot of hope going forward! she’s funny, she doesn’t take any sexist bullshit, she’s calm and polite but you get a glimpse of the rage underneath. 

wow, they promoted Senator Martin to Attorney General!

the opening credits (if you can even call them that) are a let-down, though

she has her beads!

can anyone who’s not Hannibal please stop calling her Clarice

wonder if they’re going to touch on any of the extreme tension that existed between Senator Martin and Clarice in the novel? they didn’t interact in the movie, but in the book, Martin is under intense stress, and it doesn’t go smoothly.

of course in “Hannibal,” Martin invites her to “ride horses,” so they obviously reconciled after Catherine’s rescue and kept in some kind of touch.

and speak of the devil: horses! (and Catherine)

“I can’t have a reputation, I’ve only done it once” Thank you for being the voice of reason, Clarice.

“Paul Krendler” *ugly screaming commences*

“you don’t have any people, Clarice” Aaand that’s the plot of the Hannibal novel!

looks like they even gave her the ring Jodie’s Clarice wears!

oh yeah, this Krendler looks like a sumbitch if I ever saw one. No one will ever be as perfectly cast as the dude in Silence imo, but a much better fit than Ray Liotta. 

“small carat, but it’s a sweet ring” A very in-character observation probably directly informed by her comments about nail polish in Silence.

she mentions this victim’s nail polish (!) being “tasteful,” and I shrieked a little again.

I understand it’s necessary for Krendler to be a douche, but there’s not even going to be any payoff for the audience (or Clarice) when Hannibal eats him, so boo.

wait...wait, why aren’t Clarice and Ardelia in their Alexandria duplex? They’re not just best friends, they’re roommates! For the entire seven-year story! GIVE ME THE DUPLEX!!!

BUT points for Ardelia bringing Clarice a treat, since she was always leaving her candy bars in the Silence book!

Clarice interacting with the washer/dryer is a nice nod to the books, too.

speaking of... “What did we learn in the laundry room back at Quantico?” For some reason this line made me actually cry, I guess because this whole episode has been such a love letter to something I love so dearly, and it’s making me emotional.

FIRST PRINCIPLES!

DESPERATELY RANDOM!!!

wow, the men in Clarice’s new office giving her lotion as a hazing “welcome” gift is awful, and now I’m just mad (which is the point of the scene ofc).

so this ex-military OC is the John Brigham stand-in, I take it?

if that means John Brigham won’t be here, No Thanks.

Clarice telling him she’ll drive...a tribute to Dana “Why Do You Always Have to Drive?” Scully, perhaps (who was herself inspired by Clarice) as well as a nod to Clarice’s love of cars?

“Why do they call you the bride of Frankenstein?” Sorry, I don’t have the legal rights to tell you about my last intimate relationship.

“Already on my way to West Virginia Granny Witch” Look, this show could crash and burn from this scene on, and it would still have been worth it just for these first 25 minutes.

I like that Clarice is shown wanting to help people, and the scene of her with the baby is a nice call-back to the eventual shoot-out at the beginning of “Hannibal”...but I hope they don’t try to domesticate her too much. Clarice needs her hard edges. To be tough (reasonably so)--a cub growing into its big cat’s claws.

also, somehow I doubt that Miss Valedictorian spent her six years in the Lutheran home “changing a lot of diapers,” but sure, okay. If her siblings are alive in this, she might have changed their diapers!

even though Krendler’s a real dickwad so far, he’s not slimy enough for me. Needs more grease.

“I got a call from your therapist who’s concerned that you might genuinely flip out” I really do not like this subplot Sam-I-Am. Aren’t the huge glass ceiling/Boys’ Club obstacles enough?

seriously, though, I know Hannibal tells her that the metaphorical lambs will come back--at the end of Silence, though, she’s at some kind of temporary peace, not in danger of “flipping out” any time soon.

if Esquivel really is our Brigham stand-in, I’ve got...problems with that. He was Clarice’s teacher and became her friend, not some Krendler double-agent. (Also worried they’re setting him up as a love interest for her which...eesh, no thanks.)

and sorry, I actually hate that Catherine kept Precious the dog in this.

I have no problem with Catherine being a character, or with her interacting with Clarice...that said, I don’t know if her being shown as severely traumatized and reaching out to Clarice as a form of emotional lifeline is...a good idea?

I understand the symbolism of Catherine’s smashed mirror, but...smashed mirrors are already a Thing in this series (albeit not Clarice’s chapter in it), and that’s all I can think of here.

Catherine’s a victim of unthinkable trauma. Nevertheless...she’s talking to the woman who saved her life. Who risked death to do it. I just don’t like the way this scene is written. Apparently, in this show’s canon, Catherine hasn’t gotten the help she needs. But Clarice isn’t her therapist, and it’s upsetting to have Catherine being all “I’ll never be safe and neither will you.”

how does Catherine remember “the mannequins, the autopsy table”?? And why is she throwing them in Clarice’s face?

I’m going to stop talking about this scene now because it’s making me angry and a little upset, which is maybe the point? I just don’t think it’s written well. If Catherine’s going to be a recurring character, I hope she’s shown getting professional, medical help.

Clarice finding the victim’s papers in the box of pads is a direct callback to her finding the photos in the jewelry box in Silence. Nice.

let’s agree that Hannibal and Crawford are both in Ardelia’s (too-cutesy-for-me) book

another nice little X-Files homage?

I have some qualms about that big climax, but...meh. It was capital-F Fine.

Yikes, this is a full week late. Thanks for reading this entirely-too-long post through to the end, if you’re still here! 

To sum up my thoughts...

The Good: 

the visual connections to the Silence film (that green coat/blue knit scarf combo in particular)

Rebecca Breeds’ performance overall so far

Clarice’s strong writing/characterization

her sense of humor and her inclination to call out bullshit

maybe it was just me, but I also got a sense of Hannibal’s influence on her in some of her dialogue--her blunt observations--and I love it

Ardelia Mapp

the repeated in-your-face references to Hannibal Lecter

the respectful, non-exploitative way the victims were treated by the narrative.

let’s just say, not all Harris-inspired shows managed to do this. :)

the many, many allusions to the novel

“you let that relationship be INTIMATE” !!!

The Bad: 

the near-constant implication that all Clarice’s trauma stems from her experiences in Gumb’s basement

I just don’t understand this one...it’s not supported by the text imo

the “Clarice-is-a-psychological-loose-canon” subplot

almost everyone calling her “Clarice”

NO DUPLEX IN ALEXANDRIA! Boo!

Esquivel maybe replacing Brigham

the narrative choices they’ve made surrounding Catherine so far.

Seriously: please let Catherine seek/get help instead of screaming “HELP ME” at Clarice, who after all risked her own life to save Catherine’s, over the phone.

The Ugly: Paul Krendler, lol. Confession time: I also don’t care for the way they’ve styled her hair. Not sure why it bugs me, it just...does.

Overall, I’m thrilled to death with this. I was so afraid it would be disappointing, so even if it’s not a five-star episode (and pilots rarely are), it’s a great beginning! It’s beyond amazing to see our girl on the screen again. Just this hour-long episode did her character way more justice than the entire Hannibal film. Despite its shortcomings, it’s such a loving homage to characters and a story that mean a lot to me, and I love it just for that.

Going forward, I’d like to see more of Clarice as a person. Her hobbies and interests--cars, sharpshooting, running, fashion magazines stuffed under her bed, horseback riding, her total inability to cook...anything would do. I of course want to see more of her with Ardelia. I want to hear more about her backstory and find out which version of it (truly orphaned when her father dies or sent away by her mother) they’ll choose to explore. And while we all agree that this show is about Clarice and she don’t need no man, I won’t lie: I’d gobble up more sly references to Hannibal. He’s her endgame, after all.

I’d also like to really see the warrior underneath. There are flashes of her in the last twenty minutes of this episode. But Clarice Starling is a big cat, she’s a warrior, she’s between iron and silver. I’d hate for her to spend most of this show doe-eyed and traumatized. I want her to be ferocious, to see the woman who’s a match for the monster.

Krendler needs to get nastier. He should make us feel like we need to shower. In the novels, he wants to use Clarice--only for her body. And when she won’t allow him to, he takes his revenge. That’s what makes him so particularly awful. Let’s amp him up here.

And finally...maybe I’ll appreciate Catherine’s scene more on a second watch. Maybe I’m not being sensitive enough to her trauma, her struggles. But I didn’t like the way that scene was staged or scripted, and I didn’t like the suggestion that she just hasn’t gotten help after a year and is subsequently taking her pain out on Clarice on some level. I hope future episodes handle this subplot, and her character, a bit better.

Please let me know if you guys would like me to do another of these monstrosities for the next episode. (I promise it won’t take me an entire week this time!) And thank you again for reading!!! 

[squarecarousel]

Challenge 144: 10 Years, Looking Forward: A-Frame Studio Life Buckle up-- this is a long one! Wow, ten years. It’s hard to believe a whole decade has passed since Square Carousel began, and since I graduated college. In some ways, it feels like another lifetime, and in others, it feels vastly shorter than the decade before that, from ages 12 to 22. Time is fascinating that way. College was such an incredibly impactful time period, but just a measly 4 years-- I could have done college 2.5 more times back-to-back in the years since I graduated, but somehow those four, from 2007-2011 were monumental.  It’s hard to believe I’ll be in a post-college world without Square Carousel, since the group has been a constant in my life these last ten years. I’m really proud that we made it this far and are able to choose to end the journey, rather than it fizzling out or dying from lack of interest. Sometimes it felt like that might happen, but other times it felt like we were blooming. There have been many ups and downs over the course of this journey. And damn, it was a lot of hard to work to keep running, but I am so grateful for the learning experience. I know so much more about leadership now than I ever would have before-- the delicate balance of having rules to keep the group running (deadlines, participation requirements, our dreaded “strike system”) and keeping up morale (knowing when to forgive slip-ups, keeping challenges sufficiently entertaining and well...challenging, making sure the group feels like it’s a community). Elizabeth and I were reluctant leaders, just naturally having to take those roles as other original members of the group left and were replaced by folks who needed guidance. We definitely didn’t seek it out, but we knew that if the group were to stay alive, we had to put some structure into the system. Pretty early on we made our rules and guidelines, extended the challenges to 3 weeks from just 2, and worked on our visual image online. Our awesome logo was made by former member Casey Crisenbery, and we switched from Wordpress to Tumblr, purchasing a URL, and Casey using special code for custom organization on the site. Sketch critiques were now a halfway point through our 3 weeks-long challenge, which helped a lot with the community aspect and engagement. We started doing interviews for each member, reaching out to other illustration groups, blogs and submission sites and had our work featured on a few of them. Some of us even got jobs from the connections made through Square Carousel!  There was a bad stretch several years ago when I wasn’t sure we’d make it through, with toxic behavior and a few folks petitioning for removing deadlines and structure, making everything optional. One thing I can tell you with certainty after ten years of working with artists is that 95% of us require deadlines to do anything, and incentives/obligations for meeting those deadlines, or it just isn’t going to happen! Elizabeth and I, along with a few other solid members, were able to keep the structure we’d worked hard to create, but the toxic culture had already killed group morale and we lost a lot of members simultaneously. That was a sad and scary time for Square Carousel, but I didn’t want to go out on a sour note. So the small group of us picked the pieces back up again, did a little refocus on our goals as a collective and created an “Admin” so Elizabeth and I didn’t have to carry the entire burden alone. I am forever grateful to Sayada and Jordan for stepping up into these roles to help us get the train back on track. Sayada especially picked up a lot of responsibilities that a newer member shouldn’t have to worry about, and was a total rockstar for Square Carousel. I wish we’d had her with us for the whole ride. I’m so happy that we’ve had a few really great years with some really loyal and talented artists to round out the experience at Year Ten.  There is nobody I’m more thankful for than my Good Cop, Elizabeth, though. She was so reliable, always able to provide balance in our leadership roles, and such a wonderful shoulder to cry on when things got too stressful. Elizabeth, thank you for this journey and for being my SC Wife all these years! It’s so funny because of all the original members, you were one of the only ones I hadn’t really known from SCAD classes, yet you’re the SCAD Illustration friend I have remained most connected to most consistently. Nothing bonds you quite like running an illustration collective does! It also cracks me up that in all these years, we hadn’t ever facetimed or talked on the phone until a few months ago--I didn’t even know your mannerisms or voice, but knew you so well anyway. My greatest internet friend! I love you dearly and it truly won’t feel right, the absence of our weekly SC conversations. Thank you for all of the memories! As just a member and artist, this group has helped me grow so much professionally. It was my client when I didn’t have clients. It was my motivation to paint when I didn’t feel creative. It was my source of portfolio-worthy work, but also my safe place to experiment and fail when I was trying something new. The girl who started as a Square Carousel member freshly graduated in 2011 was working part-time at Urban Outfitters, had basically no money, and no clue how to promote herself. The “studio” was a corner of the bedroom and nobody took her seriously. But a stubborn dedication and the security, purpose and structure of Square Carousel helped the slow change from that lost girl to a full-time freelancing woman. Now, in 2021, I have been doing freelance illustration fully for six years, through contract jobs, editorial, publishing, advertising, commission and local work, as well as selling prints and products online, in local shops and events. I am not making the big bucks, certainly, and I still have goals I’m working towards, but damn, if that isn’t a glow-up, I don’t know what is. Thank you for helping me achieve my impossible dream, Square Carousel, and always being a place with the right amount of advice, support and critique. Ten years, 34 artist interviews, 38 artists, and 144 challenges. I’m the only member to have completed every single one. 144 illustrations through the years. Some were game-changers for my style and my portfolio. Some were total stinkers and I hope you don’t go looking for them. But all were an important step in my career.   So, in ten more years? I’ll be 42 years old, which is very weird because I have never imagined myself that old before... it’s hard to honestly say what that would look like, especially considering the world we are currently living in and how the last 4/5 years have proven that anything (awful) can happen. Jordan and I have a goal to move to Colorado in the next 4 or 5 years, and I’d love to have a little A-Frame in the mountains with a loft studio, shown in my illustration here. Texas has become extremely problematic, especially after the winter storm in February of this year, and will be impacted greatly by climate change, both environmentally and economically. Right now, Austin is still booming, but at some point the lack of foresight in this state’s government is going to screw over the residents and it will be one of the places from which climate refugees run. Is that tomorrow? No, obviously not. But I want to already be settled someplace more stable, having grown some roots, before other folks start to roll in. But, to be able to do that, I need to rely less on my local jobs and connections and be able to have an “anywhere career.” So right now I am focusing on expanding in that way, particularly with book cover illustration and design. I’ve been doing a lot of portfolio work and self-publishing jobs, and hope to get an agent that can shop my work to big-time publishers sometime in the next year or two. Let’s say I succeed at all of those things in five years-- we’re in our Colorado A-Frame, I’m illustrating book covers (and I’ve also convinced my parents to come with me, and maybe a couple friends!). The next five years after that? I don’t know... hopefully a lot of adventures. Hopefully a lot of cool jobs, but also a lot of work/life balance. Right now, I don’t want kids, so the A-Frame will be filled with cats. Maybe we’ll have an old camper van for regular road trips around the western National Parks. I’d love for my work to reflect those passions-- more jobs with outdoor brands, parks, organizations. More book covers for stuff I’d personally love to read and keep on my overflowing shelf. That’s the vague goal for me in ten years, but I don’t want to plan any further than that, because life just also needs to happen the way it’s going to happen. There are parts of my current life I planned for in 2011... and there are parts I never, ever would have guessed. I hope there’s some fun surprises in 2031, too. Thanks for the decade, Square Carousel. Joining illustration collectives will always be the first bit of advice I give fresh graduates. Caitlin

[dailysuna]

Hello, yes, I heard requests are open!! I would like to know your thoughts on the economic repercussions of Suna losing the battle of the chunnin exams? I thought they were already in a depression before and I think I remember that things ere pretty dire to have them need to make Gaara, but the loss at the Leaf must have hit even harder. What do you think some likely strategies were, and by whom, to stave off complete economic ruin and widespread starvation among their citizens? Thank you!

Okay first off thank you so so so much for sending these in! I kid you not we were overjoyed at seeing them because they are just the type of content we like to see!!! We think about these types of things in depth so its great to see others thinking about them as well. Now let me separate these questions and answer them for you.

Question One

You are very right! Canonically Sunagakure never had great economic standing, but during Rasa’s reign as Kazekage it got worse. Now, this has nothing to do with Rasa’s way of ruling himself, but rather that the Wind Daimyo, ruler of their specific country, not Suna, started giving shinobi missions to Konohagakure instead of Suna. So, Rasa used his abilities to extract precious metals to sell so Suna didn’t collapse; however, their economy never really got back onto their feet because of many reasons I will not get into at this moment. The economy was already suffering under Rasa’s leadership, which was good even if he sucked as a father, so the sudden absence and loss of the battle during the exams would cause much chaos. 

Rasa was killed meaning the country lost their best source of procuring income as well as their main leadership position (although the fact they have a council means they won’t be thrown into complete chaos without a kage good job Suna). His death alone would cause much turmoil and trouble. With the added loss of ninja, supplies (any war requires supplies and loss only means losing all that effort put in), and already strained relationships would not help. How can they even come back from this?

Well first, who is the one implementing the methods? The way we see Suna formatted almost seems to be based on a democracy where the kazekage is but one voice amongst that of the council, thus, the kazekage and the council would be the ones to brainstorm and make the changes necessary. We think that their main method in fact is to lower wages. When shinobi cash in on their missions, they take some of the profit and the government takes the other amount. They would need to start taking more from their already small amount of missions. (In fact in a discussion us mods had about similar situations one time I, mod K, have an oc family I have based in Suna that we figured would be the first to have wages cut.) In consequence I believe they would order local businesses to drop their prices. Suna has no fertile land in sight, their small plot of land in the Land of Fire they acquired years ago their only place where growing is possible, so they rely heavily on importing goods. The government would likely prioritize trying to keep the country running, while reforming relationships with Konoha. I could see them purchasing larger quantities of non-perishable food or ingredients to give out rations. They are also going through a change in power which most likely made the situation very difficult and required the council to do most of the work while Gaara listened and learned.

The important thing to remember is Suna shinobi are extremely patriotic and loyal, so here at dailysuna we think the village as a whole would do their best to cooperate and help one another should it mean the success of Sunagakure, aka a more stable economy.

Question Two

I briefly addressed some of these questions at the end of the last one, but yes we actually have planned a lot of this out in varying degrees of depth. As for the change in power, I already established Suna was facing ruin and shifting power creates another hard element in harsh times. Sometimes it is what you need but sometimes it doesn’t help in the slightest. In the case of Suna, the job of the kazekage isn’t one where someone can jump in after assassination and immediately change it all. The council is there to provide checks and balances for the kazekage as well as advice, its no coincidence we see council members mostly i their middle ages or later. This abrupt shift in power from the dead fourth kazekage to his 12-13 year old son is just a crazy change. Gaara is continuously not trusted by the council, in Shippuden they even discuss his death being beneficial in a meeting, so Gaara needs to not only learn the ropes in his young emo preteen years but to foster a better relationship with the council and the citizens as well. I don’t believe it is actually ever confirmed when Gaara officially took the seat of kazekage, so there could be a few months or even years in there where there was no official fifth kazekage. During this time, the council likely ran Suna, as they have the power to do so. Even a bit into Shippuden I believe the council was still pulling a majority of Sunagakure’s puppet strings as Gaara simply lacked the life experience for certain decisions. As far as for Gaara, we are told that he had a very rough time gaining everyone’s trust but had started doing so before being stolen away by sparky sparky boom boom man and Suna’s original angsty emo preteen, but they never really explain it? Either way, its clear based on everything I said so far that Gaara’s main focus in his transition was mostly on building those relationships others had decided to break out of fear. He is very successful and everyone loves Gaara now including us mods!

Baki. I love this man so so dearly. In an old rp discord server that no longer exists, may it rest in peace, I actually role played Baki so I workshopped an entire backstory for him based on our millions of Suna headcanons that us mods have all accepted as our canon (you’ll find we all share the same exact headcanons). As far as his ascent to council member, I thought long and hard to develop it. Everyone starts out as a basic ninja, and, without going into my headcanons for his childhood, Baki was the same. He slowly rose with his skill, as he is extremely skilled - his stamina is awful but I am convinced its because he is so good none of his battles last long and thus no need for it anyways - and became a trusted aide to Rasa. In our collective brain that contains headcanons we have also determined this is due to the personality we gave Baki, which is he is so dedicated to the village he doesn’t stop to take care of or think of himself. In other words, he can be a pushover when it comes to doing work because he only wants to be of use. This makes him the perfect target for paperwork which we believe is how he got closer to Rasa. Baki and Rasa are never explicitly said to be close or anything of the sort, but the fact that he is entrusting his precious children, one of which has a giant chaos beast inside of his little emo body, plays to the fact that he is familiar with Baki in some regard. Serving as the Kazekage’s aid, aka errand boy in this case, Baki would gain experience with paperwork, the jobs of the council and kazekage, form connections, and display his skill in all assets. 

Now, there are some nasty little children needing to be taken care of. Who better to send than the man who you know will do anything for you, for the country? I am convinced very few ninja would willingly teach preteen Gaara, I mean, I don’t think I would even want to, so no one would be willing to have such an assignment and would do anything to get out of it. Even Baki was likely wary of it and for the longest time debated quitting, although, after some time, the siblings likely began to realize he cared about them (this is something I would love to talk about in more depth some other time) and weren’t as awful towards him. Hence a successful team. Did being the kazekage’s children’s sensei help Baki? Because he was their teacher? No. Because he was able to gain their trust and lead them? Most definitely. This experience likely helped him gain prestige and respect for his abilities which is how we mainly believe he got his position on the council, as that is what the council members seem to have as well as dedication to the village.

As far as being kazekage goes, we love Bakikage! This is what I mentioned earlier about a role play server. What happened is we had a plan for Rasa to be taken out of power in this AU but we didn’t wish for Gaara to suddenly be ripped from the rest of the role play by being stuck with kage duties. So, we sat down to think and realized Baki would actually be a great person to wear that fancy greenish hat. As stated earlier, he has the respect, the strength, the intelligence, the ability to prioritize things, as well as many other necessities for a good leader. The big thing that stood in his way was Gaara’s character development because the angsty emo preteen needed to turn soft boy cottage core obviously. But in all seriousness, I believe what stood between him and his theoretical throne - which he deserves - was honestly himself. Baki serves the village. Baki loves the village. Baki wants the best for the village. Baki is, as we call it, villagesexual. He only desires to be of use, not to gain power or prestige, they just happened to be given to him along the way. His own lack of drive, as well as care for Gaara, because of course if his adopted son wants those fruit snacks he will get them for him. Please Baki, you spoil them too much. So yes, Baki could be the kazekage, he has all the equipment for it, but Gaara’s own desire to be something no one expected and show them he wasn’t a monster was all Baki would have cared about. Even in our rp AU Baki was going to be reluctant about taking the power. Even if he did have that desire and drive, his care for Gaara would likely win out. 

Honestly, it might be best he didn’t have that drive. You know, all the kazekages are assassinated and Baki is not an important enough of a character to Kishimoto to be brought back to life. I will gladly hold onto council member Baki if Bakikage means he dies. But its nice to think how Gaara would actually get to be a kid while Baki gets a hard earned role, huh?

I hope you enjoyed my very very long winded answers - believe it or not I tried to keep it short - and that they actually answered your questions. We all look forward to more submissions/asks from you as well as others! And we’re working on getting those lovely drawing requests planned out.

[whales-and-recovery]

Well, I don’t typically do things like this, but I think it’s worth the effort so I can come back and see this again at a later point.

9 Things / Experiences / Moments / Triumphs I am grateful for this year:

1) Firstly, wow, what a year it has been. This is the first year of my life that I have truly been on my own. It has been very difficult not having any parent figures around and really figuring everything out on my own, but I did it and I’m doing it. I was in one relationship for 5 1/2 years and another soon after for nearly an entire year, but as of now I have been single for quite a while. It’s been weird navigating on my own but absolutely worth it. I’ve earned my independence. There have definitely been some rough patches, but I am really proud of myself for being able to do this because it’s been a pretty scary ride.

2)  I got my wonderful dog Thor last year in September, but since I moved here in January it has just been him and I. I’ve really gotten the opportunity to connect with him and he is my everything. I love coming home to his smiling face every day, despite the fact that sometimes he is a huge pain in the ass.

3) From January to September, I was working a job in downtown as a receptionist at a condominium. This is a very, very wealthy part of Miami and I worked in a residential building full of very - very successful people. The opportunity to meet many of these people and make good connections was amazing. I also got the chance to meet my very good friend George. Also a pain in my ass at times, but such a genuinely good and kind hearted person.

4) This is a big one, after two years of wanting nothing more than to be back in school, I am finally back in school! I am eligible for financial aid but as I am still considered a dependent student by fafsa guidelines, regardless of the fact that I am completely independent, and the fact that my mother refuses to comply with the application process as she does not want me to go back to college, I don’t get any aid. That means that I have to pay my own tuition for school. It’s been rough, but oh so rewarding. I am so, so, so happy, grateful, and excited to be furthering my education and working towards my career as an aspiring Maribe Biologist. I want nothing more.

5) I finally started SCUBA diving again! I found a new instructor to help me as I was having major issues equalizing my ears before which was causing me intense pain and discomfort. My last instructor did not take it seriously and I could have permanently damaged my ears. This new instructor is just so amazing and takes the time and puts in the effort to really help me figure everything out. You get what you pay for. I’m so passionate about the ocean / diving and I was fearful before as I was scared I would not be able to fix the problem with my equalizing but he helped me and I did it!!!  I am just ecstatic.

6) I’m actually working a new job now. I’m working as a narrator on a glass bottom boat in the Keys. This is just wild for me. This is the first job that I’ve had that has anything at all to do with the field I want to be in. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been / can still be extremely daunting as public speaking is definitely something I’ve been fearful of for a long time, but now I’m spending hours talking in front of large crowds of people with a microphone strapped to my face. I’m really glad I was able to make some leeway on that fear and I am actually owning it! I’m getting paid to look at and educate people about dolphins, sharks, turtles, and coral all day. Sometimes I get applause when I’m done. Definitely not used to that part yet.

7) I’ve really realized how precious some of the relationships I have in my life are. I’ve had some very, very good friends move away to other cities and states chasing their dreams. While it’s definitely been saddening to see them go, my heart is so full of joy that I have met these wonderful people who are just as hungry as I am to have a spectacular life and not let ANYTHING hold them / us back from the wonder that life has to offer. I am so, SO proud. Obviously, I’ve also missed my dad since he passed away almost 9 years ago, but this year has definitely made me realize just how much I miss him. I wish he was here and I hope dearly that he is proud of the woman I’m becoming.

8) This year I’ve had so much wild stuff happen. Besides the craziness of 2020, my personal life has been particularly topsy-turvy as well. I sold my beloved Miata as Thor was getting too big for it. I ended up buying a Volkswagen rabbit which had very bad brakes which resulted in me hydroplaning and completely losing control of the car on Mother’s Day, spinning out, and slamming into a wall. I got the car fixed and literally a week later as I was driving it home from work again, it Caught. On. Fire. I had to jump out and call fire rescue. The car was sold to me as is. There was nothing I could do about it and I couldn’t get my money back. I am currently borrowing a friends car (thats another story).  Thor also had another emergency surgery this year as he tore up my bedsheets while I was working one day and swallowed a big chunk. Another instance that happened not too long ago was where I was walking him at night in 65° weather (That’s cold for people in Florida guys, also I’m a pussy) and his collar just gave out and popped off of his neck. He saw a duck and took off straight into the lake which resulted in him swimming all the way out to the very middle of the lake at 9 PM which resulted in me having to jump in and swim out after him to get him back because he’s a little stupid sometimes and I know he’s never been in that deep of water. He’s a lazy dog, he tires out pretty easily, had I not jumped in, there is no doubt in my mind that he would’ve drowned. Definitely wasn’t expecting the lake to be that deep at all, not to mention that the water was freezing and it was basically pitch black out there. At one point I couldn’t see him anymore and I really thought he had drowned. I found him, alive, I got him back. We are safe. Very scary night. My life feels like a movie sometimes, the list of crazy stuff goes on. Despite the book I can write on the insane amount of stuff that’s happened this year alone, I truly admire my resilience. I know sometimes I can be very hard on myself and times get very tough, but when I fall down 753 times, I stand up 754.

9) This one sort of - kind of goes along with the last one, but at some point last year, I kind of lost the sparkle in my eye. I really lost the appreciation that I found for life. As of recently, I have been working very hard to push myself back to a point where my mental health is nothing but a priority. I am once again regaining the passion that I have for living, being able to wake up in the morning, even breathing which I forgot was a privilege.  I am once again hungry, in the best sense of the word, for life. I can’t wait to continue growing and moving forward in this chaotic existence. I am so appreciative for the things that I have and how hard I have worked to get where I am. It has been truly rough out here on my own but as I said earlier, I am so proud of how resilient I have become.

I can’t wait to see what kind of incredible things I accomplish next year. I am so hopeful for the future. Looking forward with bright eyes y’all! I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years and that you can all look back on the craziness that was 2020 and find the good in it as well. Thank you @always-the-2nd for challenging me and always keeping me in mind. It warms my heart to know that you’re in my corner as I am in yours.

[awastelandheart]

Sebastian’s personality analyzed through his theory-crafted natal chart: The perspective of a professional astrologer.

PART ONE: SUN SIGN.

i apologize in advance to any capricorns i unintentionally read to filth in this post.

          i think out of all the bachelors   &   bachelorettes, Sebastian has the oddest, most abrasive post-marriage dialogue. i’ve heard plenty of people over the years complain about how awkward being married to him is   &   i, myself, tend to not marry him when i play since locking him in pelican town like that when he so clearly wants to leave feels bad. even before marriage as well, he has a lot of almost cringey   &   certainly concerning dialogue. Sebastian’s not a man that’s made for marriage or long term relationships i think, at least not in his early to mid 20s which is how old i believe he is in canon. unlike the rest of the bachelors   &   bachelorettes, his character arc   &   development don’t do much for melding him into someone worth being with. even Shane who is troubled in a much more obvious way than Sebastian has more moments of reflection that convince the player that he’s a good person despite his flaws. Sebastian may seem to be gentle in his internal struggle, it’s easy to believe that, at most, he’s rude   &   depressed, but i think there’s a lot more to unpack here that suggests he’s violent, angry to an awful degree,   &   possibly the worst marriage candidate, if not just the worst townie out of the whole cast.

          to start off with, i believe Sebastian’s sun sign is Capricorn. my reasoning for this is a blend between a post on reddit i found that used a simple algorithm to convert the in game dates to real dates. taking into account the slightly flawed method that gives each date 2-3 days worth of wiggle room,   “ january 17th ”   implies he’s on the Capricorn side of january. to be honest, when i was first thinking about what sun sign i wanted Sebastian to have, i was leaning towards Aquarius since he has several lines about escaping the town   &   wanting his freedom   ( both being very Aquarius-like qualities ),   however i think the case for Capricorn is much easier to make. to start off, i’ll give a run down of the most defining Capricorn characteristics, then i’ll move onto showing in-game examples of how Sebastian demonstrates these traits   ( while leaving room for his other natal positions that i’ll extrapolate on in more posts to come ).

          Capricorn is an earth sign, reveling in stability with a handful of almost toxic traits to display if that stability isn’t achieved. ruled by saturn, or kronos if you wanna get greek, Capricorns are at a constant war with themselves between the general human experience   &   cutting out as much superfluous expression   &   feeling as possible. the story of kronos is very reflective of the Capricorn struggle:   it’s the tale of a man   ( god, but that’s not important )   whose wife is predicted to bear a child who will surpass him   &   take his legacy. kronos, in his anxiety to prevent this change, begins eating each of his wife’s children as they’re born until one day, his wife replaces one of the newborns with a rock so that it will survive kronos’ consumption. of course this leads to the child growing up   &   indeed surpassing kronos just as the prophecy foretold. the lesson to be learned from kronos is one of restriction   &   the inevitability of time.

          between their earthly reliability   &   love of practicality, Capricorns are viewed as the traditional fathers of the zodiac sphere. they guard their values of yesteryear close to their chest. anything too different is cast far away from themselves or, rather, consumed until all traces are disposed of. thankfully not as stubborn as poor Taurus   ( another earth sign ),   Capricorns have a touch of adaptability in all their logic. their modality is cardinal, implying they take charge of situations. they are the leaders next to Cancer, Libra,   &   Aries:   any good leader knows when to give up their morals for the betterment of their charge. to boot, Capricorn is represented by the mythological creature, the sea-goat   ( a creature created by dear old kronos, himself, consisting of the torso of a goat   &   the tail of a fish );   the goat half delivering on that steady earthly nature of an unrelenting climb to the top of a mountain called life, yet the inclusion of the ocean in this aesthetic implying an amount of emotion only water signs can relate to.

          in the typical male-dominated, fatherly way, however, emotional expression does not exist for Capricorns, resulting in this implied depth to lurk well below a Capriorn’s surface. they are deeply independent in a way that leads to intense loneliness. they must do everything for themselves, another thing lovely kronos has taught us here. why look for a different solution to this problem when i so clearly have found one for myself, the ruler of saturn proclaims. a Capricorn’s independence is almost panic charged in this way. they so dearly want to be seen as capable that they will shred their own livelihood as a price. they are masters at self control for it, each having taught themselves the art of stoicism from a young age. Capricorns are at best, friendly in a superficial way. knowing their loneliness is created by their own hands but never knowing how to move passed their own cold   &   distant heart to enact any change necessary to improve their relationships.

          something that is often associated with Capricorns   &   the other earth signs is the act of earning money. while Taurus enjoys earning money to support their lavish, venus-ruled lifestyle   &   Virgo sees money as something to worry over thus resulting in them hoarding it, Capricorns crave for their income to be stable   &   plentiful in order to provide for their loved ones, or for the more lonely Capricorns, to provide for themselves.

          saturn is the first planet to take a substantial amount of time to complete its cycle through all the signs. compared to earth, which takes one year to complete its solar rotation   &   jupiter which takes 12, saturn takes upwards of 30 years. we astrologers take that as symbolical for how Capricorns get significantly better with age, as well as their   “ slow   &   steady wins the race ”   attitude. Capricorn is a sign of wisdom but only at the hand of experience. young Capricorns frequently find themselves discontented with their environment   &   lifestyle, craving a stability that cannot exist without first having established themselves in the world. every seven years it’s said, a Capricorn reaches a new level of understanding   &   maturity, as it is about every seven years that saturn completes 1/4th of its solar cycle.

          Capricorns, like Scorpios, love their privacy. regarded as one of the more shady signs of the zodiac, a Capricorn is the type of person to have everyone believing they know everything there is to know about them while simultaneously only ever revealing surface level knowledge about themselves. Capricorns love having friends   &   spending time with their loved ones, however they lack a sense of trust that would allow them to form deeper connections. while a Capricorn does experience their emotions as thoroughly as the rest of the zodiac, they have an equally intense insecurity about expressing them. a Capricorn lives their life wanting to be depended on or at least wanting to provide for those that do depend on them. emotions are seen as a weakness that cannot be spared.

          with the basic personality of a Capricorn outlined, i’ll now go through some choice quotes that demonstrate these traits   &   then talk about a few parts of his heart events that do the same.

“ if i just disappeared would it really matter ? ” “ i was thinking... people are like stones skipping over the water. Eventually we're going to sink. ” “ what am I going to do today ?   probably nothing.”

          when the player first meets Sebastian, he is overtly depressed   &   never goes out of his way to hide it. there is a solemn dark cloud filled with rain, ready to burst constantly following him   &   it’s difficult to ignore. this seriousness is very characteristic of many signs, Capricorn being one of them as it is ruled by Saturn, an outer planet with a very melancholic tone.

“ hey, don't let me stop you from getting your work done. if you aren't busy i don't mind if you stick around. ”

          this quote demonstrates the productive mindset of a Capricorn. compared to all the other bachelors, Sebastian is the only one to ever really consider the player’s work schedule.

“ i was so close to screaming at mom for throwing away my old comic collection   ...  but something stopped me. hmm   ...   with age comes wisdom. ” “ the older i get, the less i'm drawn to the city. ” “ sometimes i feel so angry  ...  but when you show up i always start to calm down. maybe i'll mellow out with age. ”

          while these quotes are also depicting other personality traits, for now i want to emphasize Sebastian’s constant referencing to the passage of time. time is always on a Capricorn’s mind, even the less self aware ones always feel the effects of its passage harsher than other signs. after dating   &   at points in marriage, which is when these quotes are from, Sebastian begins to view time as something more positive   &   optimistic. he recognizes that he has anger issues, at the very least,   &   hopes they’ll get better as time goes on. it’s quite the feat to make a Capricorn see growing older as something positive instead of something anxiety inducing, so from this alone we can really tell that Sebastian is absolutely in love with the player, without a doubt.

“ i couldn't sleep last night so I went for a night ride on the motorcycle. i need to stay independent, even though we're married. that's just how i am. i still love you, though. ” “ hey   ...   want some coffee ?   i needed some   ...   woke up early from a nightmare   &   i just couldn't fall back asleep. ” “ hey. i couldn't sleep last night so i took a walk to the caves. ” “ i'm going to take a walk today. i need some time to myself. i'll see you in the evening. ”

          Capricorns tend to be almost predisposed to sleep issues due to their immense amount of anxiety that comes with the disconnect between productivity   &   incapability, or craving emotional connection   &   viewing emotions as unnecessary. Capricorns are also fiercely independent, so independent that it’s no surprise Sebastian’s the kind of person to sneak out of bed   &   go off alone when feeling anxious instead of waking his partner up for comfort.

“ i don't want to get soft now that i'm a married guy. maybe i should start eating more hot pepper   &   working out ?   just an idea   ... ”

          while i’d also be willing to chalk this expression up to Sebastian being anxious about not passing as masc, i’m also willing to attribute this to a Capricorn being afraid of time passing   &   “ missing out ”   on life. growing soft can be a fear of a sign so dedicated to seeming tough   &   dependable.

“ i don't really feel like doing work today. maybe i'll see what's on tv. ” “ i did some work on the laptop today. ” “ i'm debating whether i should work or just read comics all day. ” “ you know, i should be doing something productive right now. i just lose focus too fast   ...   maybe i should drink more coffee ? ”

          Sebastian references his work so frequently, in typical Capricorn fashion because the urge to justify one’s pleasures by mentioning the fact that they’re also being productive is something ever-present. they are a very guilty breed;   on top of their other burdens, they feel especially bad for moments of relaxation or times when they should be doing something, but cannot bring themselves to.

“ you’re probably making a lot of money on your farm, huh ?   i guess i should get a job soon   … ” “ we should raise more slimes. in big quantities they can be really profitable. ” “ i did some work on the laptop today. i was actually brainstorming some ideas for a game i want to make. with your farming income, i can afford to do what i want with my life. it’s pretty amazing. thank you. ” “ hey. look at me. never forget that i love you   ...   you’re everything to me. now go make us some money. ” “ are we doing okay on money ?   i don’t want to have to sell my laptop   ... ” “ *sigh*   ...    if gas wasn’t so expensive i’d ride my motorcycle to the city today. so what do you do when you aren’t working ? ”

          Sebastian talks SO much about money   &   to me, it’s really hard to imagine concernedape didn’t intentionally make him a Capricorn with this much dialogue about income when no other bachelor or bachelorette has any mention of the topic   ( except for harvey who mentions he’s afraid he’s not bringing in enough money from the lack of people in town ).   the biggest one that jumps out at me to really signal a significant change in his personality after marriage is when he mentions having the freedom that comes with a steady income, a freedom that now allows him to do what he really wants which is, apparently, to make a video game. another one that jumps out at me here is his immediate association with feeling like he should get a job after assuming the player is making a lot of money. since income is such an important subject for Capricorns, it’s easy to imagine Sebastian feels inferior in comparison to the player since he’s   “ just ”   a freelancer.

“ i often felt unappreciated at home   ...   but here i feel like i really belong. ”

          this quote kind of hits Capricorn’s need to be appreciated   &   useful directly on the head   &   is a good transition for me to talk about the fact that Sebastian never progressed very far in his career while living at home with his family because he felt unappreciated. compared to how he almost immediately has a dialogue line after marriage where he tells the player he’s been inspired to make a video game, it’s easy to see the almost instant maturity Sebastian obtained just from moving out;   something he had assumed was in the far off future, implied by his heart scenes.

now let’s break down Sebastian’s heart events.

          his first heart even opens with him busy working, already a very Capricorn setting honestly, as i’ve said a few times now since Capricorns are prone to productivity. Robin enters after a moment   &   informs Sebastian that Abigail is looking for him, to which Sebastian responds to ask if his mother had informed Abigail that he’s working. Robin says that while she had, Abigail still intends on visiting Sebastian at some point today. Sebastian’s next piece of dialogue is very important.

“ *sigh* no one takes my job seriously. ”

          this is an incredibly Capricorn thing to say, both because Capricorns always feel the need to be taken seriously   &   also due to their signature insecurity about income.

          the scene continues so that the player can ask Sebastian what his career goals are. he explicitly says:   “ well, i’m trying to save up so i can move out of here. probably to the city or something, ”   which by itself is obviously very Capricorn, both nailing their need for income, their constant validation that they deserve what they want,   &   their desire for independence, however his dialogue continues for another textbox that contains the most Capricorn lines i’ve ever heard.

“ you know, if i went to college i’d probably be making six figures right now … ”   

          Sebastian is so very   &   obviously obsessed with money, it’s crazy to think he’s any other sign but Capricorn. this portion of the heart scene ends with him saying, 

“ but i just don’t want to be a part of that corporate rat race, you know ? ”   

          this dialogue i’m willing to attribute to another one of his signs at a later date in another post, but in my experience, i’ve known several Capricorn suns that feel the same:   that while they strive for a stable income, they hate participating in capitalistic culture.

          this first heart scene ends with Sebastian dismissing the player, saying he   “ has to get this module finished by tomorrow, ”   indicating he has a very set schedule when it comes to his work. organization being yet another characteristic trait of Capricorn.

          Sebastian’s second heart scene opens with the player catching him working on his bike. after a moment of introspection, Sebastian starts talking, again, about how when he saves enough money, he’s going to get out of the valley, just him   &   his bike. this scene doesn’t have anything specifically Capricorn about it   &   i plan on revisiting it when i talk about his other placements.

          likewise, Sebastian’s third   &   fourth heart scenes don’t have anything outrageously Capricorn in them   --   in fact neither scene tells us very much about Sebastian in particular aside from pointing out that he likes tabletop games   ( which obviously isn’t exclusively Capricorn by any means, but i’ve known so, so many Capricorn suns that have been hardcore into dnd over the years   ...  )   &   has social anxiety. i’ll most likely dip into his fourth heart scene a little more when i talk about his other placements, though.

          Sebastian’s fifth   (   &   final before marriage )   heart scene is, of course, important,   &   probably the most memorable for anyone who’s played Sebastian’s route, but it honestly doesn’t tell us much about his core personality. what it does tell us is how he acts   &   feels when he’s in love, so i’ll definitely come back to this scene when i talk about his venus position.

          &   that’s on his heart scenes !

          so, in summary, i believe Sebastian has a Capricorn sun because he shares many qualities with how astrologers perceive the position. of course this is all just my personal interpretation, but i hope this was an interesting read   &   shed some light on the kind of person Sebastian is !

[bobbiehoney]

⌞ʾ⁎ ⊰ phoebe tonkin, cisfemale, she/her ⊱ i think i just saw BOBBIE LANGDON walk across trafalgar square, singing to SHE* ( HARRY STYLES ). you know, the TWENTY NINE year old MARKETING EXECUTIVE? people claim that they are just like BOBBIE from COMPANY**. it must be because they are CHARISMATIC and INDECISIVE as well… though i could be wrong. all i know for sure is that they live at BALTIMORE*** apartment. { violet, 23, est, she/her }⌝

yaaaaa’ll ! hi!! i’m violet! I admined the first little version of this group with fie and i’m so excited to join this community of musical theatre nerds, my fave people. i’m 23, I use she/her pronouns, and i live in the est time zone. i’m a (struggling lol) actress and writer. i’m a slut for any and all sondheim, and i first saw company when i was 16 and I didn’t really *get it* but I loved it. since then i’ve seen a lot productions (except the current broadway cast) and i always find something new in it. I was in a really cool gender-swap-y production of the show earlier this year (seriously it was so queer and inclusive and great) and while I didn’t play bobbie we spent a week just talking about the show and the dynamics of all of the characters and I have many ideas of how I would play bobbie....and muse.....SO ANYWAYS - ya’ll ready for a character study? 

bobbie. bobbie, the very best wingman. bobbie, the perpetual third wheel. bobbie, the reliable. bobbie, the undependable. bobbie, the warmest. bobbie, aloof and mysterious. bobbie, the very best listener. bobbie, the cluelessly insensitive. bobbie, the romantic. bobbie, the heartbreaker. bobbie, the sentimental. bobbie, one of the guys. bobbie, the tease. bobbie, the magnetic. bobbie, the zombie. 

background

bobbie’s name is actually elizabeth, after her grandmother (her fathers mother), and her grandmother’s mother. but most folks, her many dear friends included, don’t know that. her family never really called her anything but bobbie, and when asked if bobbie is short for something she’s always taken aback for a moment because she kind of forgets that it is. 

she’s a born and bred new yorker and while she fits very easily into the london lifestyle, she’s still grouchy about how the bagels aren’t “right”, and things like that.  she’s been living in london for about five years now, but she also travels a fair amount for work and visits nyc often.

she was definitely born into wealth, but bobbie isn’t materialistic, really. she lives a very “comfortable” lifestyle, but doesn’t hoard her wealth and donates a large amount of her income to charity. she isn’t financially dependent on her family, and hasn’t been since she graduated college, which she’s a little proud of. is she a yuppie though? a bit.

she works for a large corporation and kind of dislikes that, but she’s very very good at her job. she’s always had a natural ability to know what attracts people, and that translates perfectly into marketing. 

I think bobbie had a normal childhood, not a perfect one, but nothing traumatic I don’t think. I do imagine that her parents were pretty distant from each other and that they got a (somewhat expected) divorce when bobbie was in college. she’s definitely an only child, and her parents are proud of her...but, like everyone else, they don’t understand why she won’t settle down.

personality

the thing about bobbie that kind of defines her whole personality is that she is just super magnetic. she’s personable, witty, and people are just very drawn to her. she doesn’t really understand that, though, if that makes sense? bobbie is definitely confident, but she doesn’t really see herself as much different than anyone else. people just love being around her, and she loves being around people. 

bobbie is the biggest extrovert, a complete social butterfly and the life of the party. can make friends with anyone. she...really hates being alone, in truth. and has a penchant for hanging out with couples, she’s basically an eternal third wheel, but she enjoys that.

in denial. just always in denial. large capacity for denial.

important: bobbie is an observer. she’s always watching, listening (not just hearing), judging, and taking stock of people. (“she always looks like she’s keeping score. who’s winning, bobbie?”) that’s why she and joanne are the closest relationship that bobbie has in the show, among both friends and lovers. they’re both watchers, they’re like cats. (”sometimes i catch her looking and looking - i just look right back.”) the emotional climax of the show happens because of joanne. 

the wild thing about company is that you’re mostly told and not shown what bobbie’s personality is like, because the scenes are focused on the couples/dates and the songs are introspective thoughts. the couples describe bobbie as being dependable, helpful, loving, and basically the glue that keeps their lives together. the three characters that bobbie has romantic relationships with describe her as withholding, cold, and undependable. that’s because that’s the two sides of the bobbie coin, if you will. 

bobbie is an incredible friend. the four couples in the show are definitely her best friends in the world, and she would go anything for any of them. but they are definitely the only people the bobbie is dependable with, aside from her family. she also loves them dearly but sometimes she is this meme after hanging out with them or their kids lol. she says yes to them way too much and sometimes she is....incredibly burnt out and overwhelmed.

she’s an amazing friend, but one things change from platonic to romantic, she’s usually pretty quick to flee. she doesn’t know why. she tells herself that they just weren’t the one, that it just wasn’t meant to be because if it was she wouldn’t run so hot and cold. she’s very affectionate and charming with her lovers, she almost always seems to share a connection with them, and then she disappears. no one ever really knows why. she feels bad ghosting people, but she always says it’s for everyone’s best interest. 

in all honesty bobbie could have settled down, she did find someone who could have been her “one” in pj/kathy. they both wanted to marry each other, but neither made the move, and bobbie feels deep regret for that. so the problem is her, not anyone else. she just can’t commit.

bobbie probably drinks too much, but she says it’s okay because she’s a fun drunk and she rarely gets sloppy. but she drinks too much.

bobbie definitely has bad impulse control, and often doesn’t really think things through, especially when she’s hit with a big emotional shift. i.e. when she proposes to amy/jamie in the show. 

she’s lowkey kind of a square.....like she definitely smokes weed (canon!) and drinks but she also refuses to smoke a cigarette when joanne pressures her to (which, i get is an emotional thing and not really about the cigarette but stick with me here) and she’s very put off by peter and susan’s polyamy so AND she’s super taken aback by how *radical* and *wild* marta/theo is (which...isn’t much these days, it’s all just kind of aged material lol)......bobbie is not *as* cool as she thinks.

a line I always keep in mind about bobbie, which paul says - “a person like bobbie doesn’t have the good things, and she doesn’t have the bad things. but she doesn’t have the good things.”

notes on company (mostly for anyone who might consider playing a character from the show)

i’m playing bobbie at 29 about to turn 30, rather than 34 about to be 35. honestly i just had trouble finding the perfect fc, and so i aged her down. (why doesn’t aubrey plaza have more resources? ugh!) 

she’ll turn 30 eventually, but whooo i just wanna have fun being dumb bobbie before she becomes slightly more evolved bobbie.

my bobbie is VERY bisexual. I would really enjoy a mix of the original genders of bobbie’s lovers and the revival’s. so april/andy, pj/kathy, and marta/theo are all welcome! as is jamie/amy. (though honestly I would prefer an amy) and i would like to keep the romantic/sexual undertones with joanne, if possible, unlike the revival. (& her lil flirtation with jenny because idk if they change that to david in the revival or not?) my version of bobbie would basically sing about all of her pals in “someone is waiting”, she sees things that she loves about all of them and would want in a partner.

connection ideas (I am very bad at these but i’ll try to think of more)

bobbie would have a million acquaintances. from work, from the grocery store, from the tube. she talks to strangers, she flirts with everyone she encounters, even if she is silently judging them at times. but she’s nice, I promise.

friends! of course, all of the friends. let’s see how they could know eachother!

 bobbie is definitely besties with her neighbors, or tries to be.

look...bobbie dates casually, multiple people at a time, always. i’m open to all sorts of different relationship dynamics! bobbie may or may not break their heart a little bit though, i’ll warn ya’ll lol.

and of course!!! SPURNED LOVERS or exes of any type and on any terms!

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Two Hundred Twelve: Bowl of ___ ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: To Rule Them All ] [ AO3 Link ]

While most in his regiment would call something like this boring...it’s one of Sasuke’s favorite parts of the day.

Being the appointed knight of royalty - especially a princess - is typically seen more as a chore than anything else. But Sasuke’s family, in its long line tied to the crown, has maintained its post as protector of the royal line for generations. It’s a role he’s honored to have.

Doubly so when one considers it was never meant to be his position with an elder brother, but...Fate has its inclinations. So here he stands, rather than Itachi. His frail, oft-ill elder brother simple isn’t suited for the tasks a knight must carry out. So instead, he sits on the council where his mind can be of more use.

And that leaves Sasuke as the princess’ constant protector. There’s rarely a moment (unless improper) where they are not together. Though at first it was rather stiff and awkward...the two quickly discovered shared traits, and have become fast friends. For a time, he convinced himself it was much like having a sister. His mother only ever had her two boys, and nearly all of his cousins are male. Having someone his age of the feminine variety was...an interesting change of pace.

But...that inclination has been dying a slow death.

This morning, they’re going about one of Hinata’s favorite routines. Strolling through the gardens her mother so dearly loved, the pair meander mostly in silence. She’s conveyed to him how much she enjoys this place, what with its connection to her mother in her memories. The late queen had a fervid love of flowers, and that same love blossomed early on in her eldest daughter. Though it has its somber tinges, the garden is still her most favored place.

The soft whispers of her gown are a stark contrast to the occasional clink and clatter of his armor. Though he’s often been told a full set is not necessary while on the castle grounds - surely she would be safe there - he doesn’t want to take any risks. It may be warm, and a bit heavy...but he’d rather endure that than be caught by surprise. He is both her sword, and her shield. His plating is her first defense should someone wish her harm.

This he considers silently as they slowly tread the pathways between the plants. It really is a beautiful place...his mother keeps a garden in their manor, but of course, it holds no candles to a royal courtyard. The smell of flowers is almost overwhelming, birdsong and the chuckle of a brook filling the air.

“Here...we’ll sit for a time.”

Snapped from his thoughts, Sasuke comes to a stop as Hinata rests herself atop a stone bench. Before them is a patch of open grass, and he then realizes what the bowl in her hand is for. Within is a mix of seeds and grains, which she carefully tosses atop the green.

It takes mere moments for several of the songbirds to swoop in to feast, scratching and pecking among the emerald blades. Still standing, Sasuke idly rests a hand atop the hilt of his sword, watching them quietly. His brother has a raven he’s tamed and taught to speak...birds can be quite the little mysteries. Many in his clan also practice falconry. Perhaps he should give it a try…

“Would you like to try it?”

Blinking at the echoed thought, Sasuke looks to his ward as she holds out the bowl. Ah...she means feeding the birds. Glancing to his plated hands, he takes a moment to remove the gloves before carefully accepting the bowl of seed. Doing his best to mimic her, he tosses a handful.

Fluttering at the sudden movement, several of them take off, startling him a bit.

Beside him, Hinata laughs softly into a hand. “Gently! You’ll frighten them otherwise. Here…” Standing, she has him scoop another handful, then - with her own guiding him - helps him carefully lob the kernels. The remaining avians don’t spook, and after a moment, several more return to partake.

“See?”

“Hn…” Sasuke hands her back the bowl. “I suppose ‘delicate’ and ‘careful’ aren’t my foremost skills.”

There’s a small, wry smile. “I’d imagine not. Swordplay may take a kind of...finesse, but maybe not this kind.”

Her teasing earns a small smile of his own.. “I think I’d best leave that to you, my lady. You’re more the sort for the dainty and graceful.”

At his words, for a moment, her expression falters. Though Hinata recovers quickly, Sasuke misses nothing.

“...did I say something wrong…?”

“...no.” She turns back to face the songbirds, quiet for a time. “...I suppose there’s no escaping such a reputation, is there…?”

“My lady, I don’t mean -”

“I know...what you mean.” A quiet sigh escapes her. “...it’s to be expected. And perhaps, in s-some ways...I don’t mind it. I am a lady. I am to be prim and proper. I am to be grace and beauty and demurity. Just as you are to be strength and pride and honor. But don’t you ever wish to be...more than that…?”

Feeling a bit unsure what she means, Sasuke doesn’t answer. More than what a knight entails…? But it’s been his training since birth, his family’s tradition. Just as hers is to rule. Is she...unhappy in her lot? “...what more would you like to be…?”

It’s her turn to pause, to think. “...respected. Taken seriously. I am not just a pretty face, and a womb to bear an heir. I am a mind and thoughts and opinions…! Yet I am told they do not matter...because I am a woman. So I keep them, in silence…” Head lowering for a moment, she then looks to him, expression unreadable. “...except when I am with you.”

That takes him aback.

“...I feel as though you see me differently. We are...friends, you and I. You listen to me. You heeded my request to keep suitors at bay, to let me keep my freedom for just a little longer. I thought, perhaps...you took my independence seriously.”

“Of course I do. I…” He heaves a curt sigh, hand running back through dark locks. “...my mother is a force to be reckoned with. Stern, and haughty, and unyielding. Even my father, the king’s general, knows better than to test her. But...that’s not so with everyone. When I was young, she instilled a thought in me that a woman can do all she wants, just as a man can. Reality...was not quite so kind. Though I may not have the power to change that, I still carry that notion with me.” A pause, and a huff of a laugh. “...Mother would box my ears otherwise.”

In spite of herself, Hinata gives a small smile. “...I would very much like to meet your mother.”

“And she would feel likewise, I’m sure. But, Hinata…” He drops her title, the pair of them alone and the subject serious. “You are more than beauty and the heir’s mother-to-be. You will be queen someday. And I hope that...whoever becomes your king will see you as I do. You are kind, but so too are you resilient. You are thoughtful, but so too are you wise. Your courtesy need not be seen as weakness, nor your manners not as obedience. I’ve not known you for as long as it would likely take to know your mind half as well as I’d like...but I think it - and your heart - are just as worthy of consideration as any man.”

Beholding him with widened eyes, Hinata’s pale cheeks alight ever so softly pink before she glances modestly aside. “...thank you,” she murmurs. “...I was right to put my trust in you. And...I a-apologize for questioning it. You meant no harm.”

“I take no offense, my lady.” Replacing his gloves, he thinks as the pair lapse into silence. “...would you…?”

“Hm?”

“Well…” He pauses, thinking. “...I doubt something like swordplay could be learned without notice...but would you like me to teach you something...else? Archery, perhaps? Just to give you another skill. One beyond those expected of you.”

Her eyes brighten. “...you would...do that?”

“If it’s what you wish. You need only a bracer to protect your arm - it would take little to do so in secret compared to many other arts I know.”

“I...I would love to!”

“Then it’s settled. I’ll find a good beginner’s bow...and we’ll find a way to get you a practice target, out of sight.” He gives her a sly grin. “...then we’ll see how dainty you are when you pin some stuffy politician’s feathered hat to the wall behind him, hm? That should change their tunes.”

At that, she laughs out loud. “You give me terrible ideas, Sasuke…!”

“I can’t bring myself to apologize for them.”

                                                            .oOo.

     More of the royalty AU! Haven't gotten to do this one in a while, it's a nice change of pace~ In all honesty, I could have taken this MANY different ways, but...this popped into my head and wouldn't leave!      Poor Hinata just wants to be viewed as a person...and thankfully her knight knows a thing or two about respecting women (thank you Mikoto, lol). A few secret archery lessons should be fun... :3c      Anywho, iiit's late, I need sleep! Thanks for reading~

[katiekat1321]

Something Worth Losing

A/N: So this was written for @littledarlinhavefaithinme‘s marvelous writing challenge. I had prompt #18 “How dangerous,” she thought, “to finally have someone worth losing”. I hope everyone enjoys it, I’ve never written for Peter before so this was different for me. I usually write for the Misunderstood Boys (Loki and Bucky), but I have a few other one-shot ideas for Peter X Reader stories in the future!

Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

1523 words

You were a Stark, Tony Stark’s only daughter, to be more specific. And yes, that came with all the glamour, fun, and stress anyone could imagine. But it also meant that you got a front row seat to all of your father’s struggles he never let the public know about, like his anxiety attacks and PTSD. You could see the pain he tried to hide away, you could see it in the other Avengers too. You could see Bruce struggling with his self-worth, thinking he wasn’t as useful as the Hulk was to the team. Steve struggled with fitting into the century he now found himself living in and sometimes you caught him crying softly, in the dead of night, about the simplicity and the life he missed out on. Once you had even had a long and very deep conversation with Thor about his struggles with understanding Loki’s behavior and how his brother was not the monster that the Battle of New York made him seem appear be; he was often wrestling with his thoughts to connect the brother he grew up and loved so dearly with all the chaos Loki had caused in the last couple years.

To any normal person, you would see all that pain and hardship and want to steer clear of such a path. Tony especially didn’t want you involved in Avengers business. He dreamed of you working with Pepper and one day taking over Stark Industries, leading it down a better path than he ever did. But you were a Stark, which meant you were strong-willed and hard to deter once you’ve made up your mind. So when you showed up to a mission in a suit of your own design that you built by hacking your father’s computers for schematics and had F.R.I.D.A.Y. help you to create, he knew there was no stopping you. “I want to help you. You don’t have to carry the weight of the world alone, Dad,” you told him before your mask snapped shut and you blasted an enemy. He was incredibly proud, but was already seeing upgrades he would want to make to your armour.

That mission was hard, they thought they lost Clint there for a minute, so having another set of eyes there was actually a big help. But that night your dad sat you down for a talk. “You’ve got to upgrade that armor,” he started jokingly. It was his style to start light and joking before getting to his real point. “Why on Earth would you think a bulletproof onesie with blasters and a face mask was a good design? You look like a knock-off Mega Man out there, it leaves you too open and vulnerable.”

You snorted at the comparison, but rolled your eyes. “It gives me more mobility. The hand cannons can retract up my arm so I can have my hands free. I tried a suit in your style. I thought it was too clunky for me.”

“Oh, so you’re out here for one day and I’m already the old model?” Tony asks. You nod, but give him a look that tells him that the joking is over and to say what he needs to. “Okay, okay. Enough beating around the bush… I know I can’t stop you from being an Avenger. You’re almost an adult. You’re a genius, you’re welcome for that by the way. That is all thanks to my genes! Plus you already have your own suit so you’ll be out there fighting for the people regardless of what I say. But Honey, I have one piece of advice. D-don’t, don’t fall in love, don’t have a family.” You froze, this was not where you expected this to go. “I know that sounds awful coming from your old man, but with this line of work it just adds more worry and anxiety. Everyday I wake up and check on you and Pepper in the middle of the night, just to make sure you’re still safe. Because of my choice to become Iron Man, I put you two in harm's way. Any day a villain or lunatic could kidnap you or kill you to get to me or just send a message.”

“You mean like what happened with Pepper a few years ago with the Mandarin?” You asked.

“Exactly, and I’ll never forgive myself for letting that happen. Every mission could be my last and I won’t get to say goodbye. I’ll just be leaving you two forever. I do not regret you or Pepper, not even a little, but I imagine it would just be easier to not get attached at all…”

For a long time those words haunted you. It became a rule you lived by. You never got into relationships, for other people’s safety. That was until the “Civil War”, as the media jokingly referred to it, settled. You didn’t see eye to eye with your father. You thought the accords were a mistake brought on by your dad’s fear and guilt. You left the complex with Steve and the others, but you also refused to fight your father and teammates. So you stayed hidden away in Berlin while the chaos ensued at the airport and later stayed in Wakanda to keep watch over Bucky while Steve, Wanda, Natasha, and Sam went on missions. It wasn’t until both sides came to an armistice agreement of sorts a few months later that you met Peter Parker.

You and Peter became fast friends since you about the same age, give or take some months. And you were both working in the same area of the lab on upgrades for everyone’s gear, because as you learned from Shuri, just because something works, doesn’t mean it cannot be improved. That is about when you noticed you were catching feelings for him, and it kind of scared the shit out of you. After all this time, following your father’s advice, seeing the practicality of it, you were crushing on Peter Parker.

You tried your best to push those feelings aside, you buried them deep inside of your heart. All the thoughts of how handsome he looked when he was focusing on an equation and how perfect he was when he would show up for the team movie night with your favorite candy were locked away into the back of your mind. And you thought that it was working just fine until one night, when you and Peter were out on patrol in Queens, you were knocked out of the sky by some asshole with a Chitauri blaster. You were knocked unconscious and started free falling towards the ground. You would have probably been seriously injured, or worse, if Peter hadn’t caught you. Within a couple minutes you jolted awake.

You tried to look around to figure out what exactly happened and reorient yourself, but Peter was holding you too tightly to his chest. He looked like he was on the verge of tears, so even though you almost died, you started sooth him. “I thought I was going to lose you…” He said, “Y/n, I have to tell you something.”

Please don’t say it,  you thought to yourself, don’t make this harder for both of us…

“I like you so much, more than a friend,” Peter admitted. “I don’t care what Mr. Stark thinks, I don’t care what anyone thinks. I love you so much Y/n and I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you. I just needed you to know that, even if you don’t feel that way. I don’t know what I would have done if something happened and you didn’t know because I was too nervous to say anything.”

For a moment you couldn’t reply. This wasn’t the most well-timed or romantic confession, sure. And yeah, Peter kind of rambled and looked so nervous he could puke. But it was Peter, and he loved you, and whatever walls you had built up had been broken down by this adorably handsome dork you knew you loved so much.

“Oh Peter… Let’s talk more about this when we get back to the compound okay? We don’t know where the guy that shot me out of the sky went and I’d rather he not find us, okay?” You knew you both had to get the hell out of there. That area wasn’t safe, it was only logical that you leave now, but the way Peter’s face fell made your heart break. “But um… I feel the same way Peter,” You added. “This is just the wrong time to stop and talk. We need to move, quick.”

Peter’s frown quickly turned into a relieved smile as he pulled his mask back over his face and yours snapped shut over your head again. You took off and hovered a few feet off the ground to watch Peter swing away, just for a moment, before shooting off back towards the pick up point where Happy would be waiting for both of you. How dangerous, you thought to yourself, to finally have something worth losing...

[thdorkmagnet]

A Fairytale Beginning (Star is Snow White AU)

A/N: First chapter of the “Star is a Disney Princess series”. These tend to jump around a bit as I just write whatever I feel like writing and don’t follow a particular order, but I had to start with the first Disney Princess ever. Enjoy!

Summary: A series of one-shots and multi-chapters proving why Star Butterfly should be considered a Disney Princess, as Star and company take over the roles of all your favorite Disney Princess characters! (Starco inevitable)

Check out my other stuff on Fanfiction! 

Disclaimer: Star vs and all its characters are owned by Daron Nefcy and Disney. Snow White belongs to Disney. All rights go to their respective owners. 

 Once upon a time in the far away kingdom of Mewni, there lived a beautiful princess with golden hair that sparkled like the stars that shined in the night sky and a heart so pure and kind that it was said that when she was happy heart-like symbols would appear on her cheeks and would bring joy upon any who looked at them. And her name was Star White. The reason for her strange and miraculous gift was because it was said that she had the ability to wield a lost art known as magic, aided by a powerful wand which had been past down to her by her late mother, Moon White. Armed with this mystic device, Star White was able to perform miraculous acts of good for her people and was beloved by all- Star White laughed at the passage on the scroll she was reading, the proclamation no doubt written by the Royal Wordsmith, who always tending to over-exaggerate things to fantastic proportions. “'Armed with the mystic device',” Star said in a mocking tone, waving around her wand in the air, goofily. “'She was able to perform miraculous acts of good for her people'.” Star continued to giggle incessantly, at the hilarity of it all. She sat down on the edge of the well she was drawing water from to rest, her stomach aching from laughing so hard. She was in the beautiful castle garden, a place she often liked to visit when her stepmother wasn't loading her down with a billion boring chores to do. “Seriously, like anyone would actually buy any of this junk,” Star said to herself, rolling her eyes. “I'm not more special than anybody else is.” “Here is the water you asked for, Your Highness.” Star looked behind her to see a shimmering butterfly holding the bucket she had sent it down the well with, the whole thing filled to the brim, the magical creature straining to hold the heavy object upright. “Great,” Star replied cheerily, smiling gratefully at the creature. “Just set it over there, somewhere.” She gestured to the marble stairs that led back into the castle, where a group of living brooms were already hard at work scrubbing every inch of the staircase, the whole thing already dripping with soapy water. The butterfly did a small mid-air bow, nearly sloshing some of the water out of the bucket, before slowly floating over to the hard-at-work brooms. Star took a moment to admire her creations attentively doing her chores, really in awe at the range of abilities her wand possessed, sometimes even managing to impress herself with how incredibly useful they could be. “Man am I lucky I found that living broom spell in my spell book or this would have been a disaster to clean,” she observed, laying down on the edge of the well, looking over the scroll again. “Now where was I,” she muttered, lazily. She scoffed, continuing to read the poetic garbage they were trashing out about her and her wand, the whole thing just so overly dramatic and cheesy that it was more silly than anything else. “Yeah right, like anyone would actually take any of this seriously,” she remarked, skeptically. … “What is the meaning of this?!” Queen Heinous screamed, crumpling up the scroll in her hands angrily, before throwing it to the other side of the room, one of her servants having to duck to avoid getting hit by the wad of paper. “How dare they print such disgusting dribble about that royal brat!” the queen continued her rant, stomping back and forth around the room in an almost temper-tantrum. “Gemini!” she called angrily. From another corner of the room, the queen's most trusted servant, Gemini, gulped in fear, not sure he had the strength to stand another one of the queen's jealous rages toward her stepdaughter. Queen Heinous had always had it out for Princess Star since the very beginning. Ever since she took the throne, taking over in place of Queen Moon, standing in for the young princess until she was old enough to inherit her own throne (the people feeling a child was unfit to hold all the powers of royalty) she had always hated the pretty princess. The biggest reason being that it was understood that once Princess Star reached the age of 21 she would be of legal age to take her stepmother's place as Queen of Mewni, which meant Heinous's time on the throne was limited. Not to mention that Star had of course inherited the most valuable heirloom in all of the Kingdom, the magic wand, being that only a true White family member could wield its incredible powers, which seemed to only be rubbing salt into an open wound, causing Heinous to grow more and more bitter and envious with every day that past. In fact, Heinous had begun treating Star more like a servant than the destined-to-be-queen she was, having her perform demeaning act such as cleaning up around the castle and refusing to allow her to wear her own crown in public. Though she was supposed to be teaching and guiding her to becoming a better leader she had done nothing to fulfill such a duty so far and that was not likely to change anytime soon. “Gemini, where are you?!” the Queen screamed again, her subject sucking in a deep breath, before stepping out of his hiding place and gingerly approaching his ruler. “Yes, Your Majesty,” Gemini greeted with a bow. “I would like to know the meaning behind these horrid scrolls!” Heinous demanded, Gemini trying not to shake with fear as the Queen's narrowed gaze rested on him. “Umm, well I believe it was to help promote the princess's image,” Gemini cautiously replied. “Image?!” Gemini flinched at the raised tone. “What about my image? I'm their queen! Are you honestly telling me that that little air-head is more beloved than me, their loving and merciful ruler?!” “Of course not, Your Majesty,” Gemini said in a comforting tone. “The people adore you, as they should.” “Well obviously they do not adore me enough,” Heinous scoffed, between clenched teeth, taking a seat back on her throne. She thought for a moment before saying in a commanding tone, “Gemini, send everyone else away. I need to be alone.” “Uh, yes, Your Majesty,” Gemini replied, with a small bow, fairly sure he knew where this was going. He quickly shooed the other servants away, clearing the room of any prying eyes until only him and his queen remained. Once they were gone, he approached his queen, who had a sadistic look in her eyes. “Milady, your not honestly thinking of consulting with it again, are you?” he asked, concerned. “Of course I am,” Heinous replied, rising from her seat and walking behind her throne, Gemini following quickly after. “It's the only way to know for sure if that little princess is going to be a nuisance to me or not.” “Yes but, you tend to get pretty emotional when it tells you something you don't like,” her servant pointed out and the queen turned to him with an angered glare. “I am not emotional!” she fumed and Gemini took a step back, quickly correcting his mistake. “O-Of course not, m-my queen,” he apologized, for being misspoke, bowing his head submissively. With a huff, the queen turned her attention back to the drapes in front of her, drawing them back to reveal her greatest and most well-guarded secret: a magic mirror. She took in a deep breath before saying, “Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the most beloved of all.” The mirror made a clicking sound as it became active, the image showing a small loading bar which was spinning endlessly. The queen tapped her foot impatiently as she awaited it to connect. Finally, the mirror image displayed a purple pixie looking thing which stated in an overly-cheery voice, “We're sorry but the person or magical creature you are trying to reach is not available at this time. Please call again at a later date. Thank you on behalf of Pixie Mirror Inc. for your patience and understanding.” And just like that the mirror went black again, Queen Heinous shouting in anger, “What?!” She began banging a fist a few times against the glass, trying to force it to reconnect. “Come on, you stupid-” she hissed angrily, before she called at the top of her lungs to her servant who was standing right behind her. “GEMINI! FIX IT!!” Her minion, ignoring the ringing in his ears, stepped closer to the magic mirror, saying, “Yes, of course, Queen Heinous,” while his queen crossed her arms, fuming unhappily. He cleared his throat, before trying a different phrase, “Mirror Mirror on the wall, please show us the One-who-knows-all.” The mirror once again began trying to connect, only this time a face appeared on the screen after a short wait, a small blue head just floating there in space. “Milady, he- uhhh it is here now,” Gemini said, turning to his queen. “Finally,” she huffed, shoving Gemini out of the way so she could get a good look at the mystical creature in front of her, recognizing it immediately by the same purple gem that was embedded into its bald forehead and its familiar long white beard. She also recognized the blank expression it always seemed to have on and she smiled. After a moment, the creature began to speak, in a loud, booming voice that echoed through the halls, as flames lit up behind his mirror image, “You have summoned forth Glossaryk, the One-who-knows-all, interrupted my life with your meaningless call. Within me lies the truths you so dearly do hunt, now all I ask is...” The flames instantly snuffed out and his voice lowered to a more normal level asking in a slightly annoyed tone, “What do you want?” Gemini gave his queen another begging look, not trusting the little creature one bit, his information often proving to be more troublesome than he cared to admit, but Heinous didn't even seem to notice her servant was there anymore as she asked, “I want to know who my people love more, me or my bothersome stepdaughter?” Glossaryk was silent for a moment, before saying, “The people do love her and adore her sweet ways, and this feeling only grows stronger over the days. Through her kind acts and heart that shines pure, she has stolen their attention with her gracious lure. In short, My Queen, it seems you worries were true, for Princess Star is so much more beloved than you.” “I KNEW IT!!” Heinous screamed angrily, her whole body shaking with rage. “That little brat is trying to take my throne away! Who does she think she is?!” “Um, the princess, Your Highness,” Gemini timidly responded. “Not anymore,” Heinous whispered darkly, pacing back and forth as she began scheming of a way to get rid of her happy-go-lucky competitor. “I'll just have her stripped of her royal power and sent to live with the peasants.” “Umm, my queen,” Gemini tried again, his voice even softer and more nervous than before. “I don't think that is a good idea.” “I'm inclined to agree, that would be unwise,” Glossaryk concurred in riddle.  “A different plan I would advise.” Queen Heinous stopped pacing for a moment, thinking over what her two advisers were saying. “Perhaps you're both right,” she sighed, seeing the flaws within her seemingly brilliant plan. “W-We are, Your Majesty,” Gemini stated in disbelief, not sure if he had heard his ruler right. He was unable to think of a time when the queen had ever agreed to being wrong about anything. “Yes,” she said, putting a hand to her chin, still deep in thought. “Simply revoking her right to the throne is only a temporary fix. I need something more... permanent.” Heinous smiled evilly. “P-Permanent,” Gemini stuttered, feeling his body grow cold. He didn't like where this was going. Heinous chuckled to herself. “Oh yes, what I need is to get rid of the princess. And then no one could ever challenge my right to the throne ever again.” She turned to her servant, him and the still-active mirror thrown off guard by the crazed look in her eye. “Gemini, summon the nearest huntsmen to my chambers, I have an extra special job for him,” she command, rubbing her hands together mysteriously. For a moment, the two just stared at the evil queen with varying levels of concern, until at last, the mirror image Glossaryk spoke, not even bothering to rhyme his very true observation, “Well, she's gone nuts.” … “Are you sure this is the right way?” Star asked the huntsmen who had guided her into the forest, skeptically. She turned to look at the tall green frog, dressed head to toe in traditional hunting clothes. Buff Frog, who had been smiling nervously the whole trip, refused to meet her eye, sweat dripping off of his face. “Uhh, da, princess,” he said in a heavy Russian accent. “This is definitely right way.” “Really?” Star said, raising an eyebrow at the huntsma... uhh huntsfrog. “Cause we were supposed to be going to put out a fire at the Dry Wood Meadows...” “Which is totally true and not just lie I make up so you come with me,” Buff Frog quickly said. “What?” Star said. “What?” Buff Frog repeated immediately. “Annnyywho,” Star said, feeling an uncomfortable tension beginning to form. “According to this sign...” She pointed out the sign in front of her, reading if off for her animal-like escort. “We're at some place called, 'Isolation Point: where no one can here you scream.' Huh.” Buff Frog said nothing, more sweat pouring off of his face, watching the young princess closely as she continued to examine the sign, slowly drawing a knife from his belt. “Sorry to say this, Buff Frog,” she continued. “But I think you may have gotten us lost.” The frog looked down at the knife, which was shaking in his nervous grip, unsure what to do. He had been given strict orders from the queen herself to dispose of the princess, an order which he wanted nothing to do with, wishing he had never even heard the command. He, like many in the kingdom, adored Princess Star and wished for her to be the ruler instead of her tyrant of a stepmother. He wasn't sure if he could bring himself to kill her in cold blood. But if he didn't finish his mission, the queen would surely have his head instead. So, Buff Frog swallowed down his guilt, stepping closer to the unsuspecting princess and raising the knife into the air, preparing to stab her. The girl continued to be oblivious to the danger directly behind her, cocking her head to the side and humming to herself as she tried to make sense of the directions. But just as Buff Frog was about to thrust his knife right into her unsuspecting back, his nerves got the better of him, the hunter dropping the knife to the floor and collapsing to his knees. Star, hearing the loud thud, turned in surprise as Buff Frog began begging at her feet, bowing as low to the ground as his muscular body would allow him. “I'm sorry, princess,” he wept in sadness and guilt, grabbing onto her legs. “Please forgive me.” “Uhhh, it's okay, Buff Frog,” Star replied anxiously, unsure what had caused the frog's sporadic mood shift. “I know you didn't mean to get us lost.” “No, I'm sorry I tried to kill you,” Buff Frog admitted, his voice still chocked with sobs, as he looked sorrowfully up at the girl. “Wait, what?!” Star exclaimed, taking a step away from the monster and out of his grasp, suddenly unsure what to think of him. “Is true,” Buff Frog continued to confess, disheartened. “I lied to you, so you would come out here, princess, and I so sorrryyy!!” “Why- Why would you do that?!” Star asked, shocked, pulling out her wand and holding it out toward her would-be attacker, demanding an answer from the huntsfrog. “Is not me,” Buff Frog said, rising to his feet again. “Is queen she wants you dead!” “What?” Star whispered, her eyes widening. “Queen Heinous? But why, I haven't done anything?” Buff Frog shook his head. “Doesn't matter. Queen, she is very jealous of you, she will do anything to keep throne for herself.” Star gave him a disbelieving stare, keeping the wand raised. “Please, princess, you must believe me,” he added, trying to urge her with his begging tone.   Star said nothing for a moment, feeling extremely unsure of whether or not she could trust what the monster was saying. After all, he had just tried to stab her in the back. But, on the other hand... did it really seem all that far-fetched. After all, Star knew quite well of the spiteful feelings her stepmother often showed towards her. And the more she thought about the less crazy it seemed that her super jealous guardian would want to keep her away from the throne at any cost. Still, Star never would have thought she would have taken it this far. Star gave the monster a suspicious glare before asking, “Okay, let's say you are telling the truth and the queen does want me dead, why not just kill me, then, like she asked?” “Because I cannot kill beloved princess, even if means disobeying orders,” Buff Frog responded immediately. “I believe you make better ruler than her.” Though it might not have been the wisest choice, Star found herself believing the huntsfrog. After all, he had wasted his best chance to kill her a moment ago, when she had no idea the attack was coming. If he had really wanted to kill her, he would have done it then, confirming it in Star's mind that  Heinous did, in fact, want her dead. But that left Star with a bigger problem to deal with... now what? Star definitely couldn't risk going home. She knew that this failure would do nothing to ward the evil queen off from trying something like this again, the blond knew just how persistent her step-mom was, going to any lengths to get what she wanted. And right now she apparently wanted Star dead. Star began biting on her wand, something she often did when she was deep in thought, as she tried to come up with some kind of plan, with no results. Come on Star, think, she urged herself. If you don't figure this out than you are looking at spending the next couple of years of your life dodging Heinous' assassins. Finally, she sighed in exasperation, lowering her wand. “Yeah well, if I don't think of some kind of plan, then I may not get a chance to prove you right,” Star said to the frog bitterly, crossing her arms, feeling overwhelmed. Buff Frog hesitated for a second, taking in the look of uncertainty on the girl's scrunched up face, before saying confidently, “Will not come to that, princess.” Star looked surprised by this, giving him a skeptical look, asking, “What makes you so sure?” “Because I go back and tell queen that I successful with mission,” Buff Frog volunteered, his tone strong and sure. “While you escape into woods.” Star instinctively turned to look back at the forest behind her, quite aware of the fact that they were relatively deserted and very rarely traveled, the place seeming like the perfect place to hide from Heinous and anyone seeking her harm. Star's face brightened as she turned back to the monster. “Oh yeah! That could work!” Star shouted in excitement at the suggestion, glad she had some kind of plan to work off of. “Nobody ever goes in there!” “Exactly,” Buff Frog confirmed, nodding his head in approval. “You will be safe there.” Star, without thinking, gave the huntsmen a quick hug around the waist, saying sweetly, “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” As she pulled away Buff Frog could swear he saw small pink hearts on Star's cheeks, glowing and pulsing, but when he blinked they were gone, causing the frog to believe it had just been a trick of the light. “You are welcome, princess,” Buff Frog said, respectfully. Star turned to face the forest, building up her nerve as she prepared to enter it. Suddenly, Star thought of something, swerving back around to face the frog. “But wait, what about you?” she asked, in concern. “What if she figures out you are lying?” Buff Frog didn't seem frightened of the thought, putting a hand to his chest and bowing his head. “Then I gladly face consequences for actions.” Star stared at the frog silently for a moment, before she whipped out her wand, using it to make a small chest. “Here,” she said, handing it to the frog. “Give this to Queen Heinous, it'll help throw her off the scent.” “Thank you, princess,” Buff Frog said accepting the gift in slight confusion. “But what is it?” “It's my heart,” she explained. Buff Frog's eyes widened in horror. “Your heart?!” he repeated in almost disgust, holding the box farther away from his muscular self. “Yep,” Star said with a smile. Before adding, “The heart necklace that my mother gave to me. It's been passed down in my family for generations.” She waved a finger in the air matter-of-factly as she explained this to the frog, who visibly relaxed as she did. “Oh, I see, that much better,” Buff Frog said relieved, visibly sighing. “Well yeah, what did you really think I was gonna put my actual heart in there or something?” Star asked, with a dismissive scoff. “Ha ha no, of course not,” Buff Frog said, chuckling nervously. With that Star turned back to the forest, just looking up at the tall treeline that towered over her, unmoving. Though she was anything but afraid of the dark overgrowth in front of her, she still couldn't help but feel hesitant to cross into the woods. Once she had, there would be no going back, she was leaving her old life behind, possibly forever and that thought was causing her insides to twist up uncomfortably, for just a moment remembering the life she was giving up. Though it was far from perfect, she would miss the friends she had made in the kingdom and, well, it was her home she had grown to love it, deeply. She took a deep breath reminding herself of the stakes, before forcing her feet into motion running into the dark woods, alone.

[thesearchforbluejello]

I have a lot to say about the characterization of Frankie in 1x04 so buckle up and get ready for some meta regarding the way sexuality is handled in this show and why it's excellent.

Again, no page breaks on mobile; I'm so sorry. Also lots of spoilers, so be aware.

First of all, these writers are writing her better than basically every stock heart-of-stone badass female formulaic character I've seen on tv in a long time and it is giving me so much joy. She's naunced and complex and I could just go off about how if they're going to make this work she needs to be a developed, complicated character, but that's not my point here so we'll just suffice it to say that I think the writers are on a good track and Lauren Cohan (who I've never seen in anything else, mind you) is doing a fantastic job, seriously.

Anyway. Starting with two obvious points:

Frankie puts her foot down and argues that Mary doesn't do PDA. She's an experienced spy (and assassin, yeah, still not over that little twist, by the way) and it's screamingly obvious to basically anyone with half a brain that this ain't gonna fly in keeping their covers intact. And uh, yeah, it doesn't. So we end up with That Kiss™️ which first of all holy shit this show is going at us hard with this ship amirite is Complicated™️and could have been avoided if she'd just played it cool. Frankie almost botched this mission.

When we see the scene with the picnic, she allows the PDA for their cover and there is, like, Something With a Capital S and a TM™️ that almost happens there. I have lots of questions. So many. I was at first wondering if she was playing him, but I have serious doubts.

My second obvious point is that we know Frankie doesn't have any qualms about using her body as a tool to do her job-- it's literally a point that's made in the pilot and we see it here too. I'm sure as hell not the first person to think, let alone point out, that this looks a WHOLE lot like a rebound.

On this topic, let me take a short digression to build some interesting discussion here. This show has not cracked one overtly sexual joke in the main team that's targeted at another of the characters. Standish makes some jokes with pretty strong innuendo, but a) he's kind of an ass and b) they're not meant to degrade or attack another character, they're meant to show how childish he is. We see Susan and Will complimenting each other in 1x03 and it's totally platonic. We see the same with Frankie and Jai in that episode as well. We see Frankie and Will literally zipped into a body bag together in 1x02 and no one makes it weird. We see Frankie and Will dancing at the party in 1x03 and no one makes that weird either. He doesn't even compliment her, probably because he knows it would make her uncomfortable.

My favorite thing here is that we get that scene where they're diffusing the bomb and Frankie literally sits on top of him. That's hands down one of my favorite scenes in any show with a built-in ship because it's inherently sexual and yet a) no one comments on how comprimising of a position it is, b) no one even jokes, c) the writers work it into the set/plot as necessary, d) it's an incredible trust-building moment for Frankie and Will, who've been fighting in a very personal way the entire episode, and e) when a joke is made, because this is a comedy, Will cracks a joke that's about himself and isn't even sexual, just a little sensual, I guess, at the risk of making it sound more dramatic, and it follows an extremely cute moment that is completely devoid of any sexual undertones (I'm referring to their little moment of relief at the timer stopping).

The reason I'm bringing this all up is because we can see that the show is avoiding a lot of opportunity for cheap jokes that a lot of other shows would have and indeed have made, and not necessarily to their detriment. I can think of plenty of shows that have some entertaining sexual humor, one of which (that shall remain unnamed even though I love it dearly, because that's a post for another time) has been frequently compared with Whiskey Cavalier since before it even premiered. This omission is a deliberate choice here and it is nothing short of masterfully underscoring the underlying tension between Frankie and Will in a very real and tangible way.

In 1x04, things change. We get That Kiss™️, which I think we can all agree was just A Lot™️. Like I mentioned, it ends up balancing out Frankie's earlier refusal to engage in any PDA with Will for the sake of their cover. We shouldn't expect this from her since, as we've seen, she is definitely okay with using sex and her body as a tool to do her job, a fact she actually points out both times Will knows she does it. (Another solid gold star for our writers, as far as I'm concerned, having her acknowledge it.) There's a deeper issue to confront here than sex, and it's emotion. Too much emotion is Will's problem, while too little is Frankie's. It's what causes a lot of the tension between them, obviously, and it really comes to play here. I think it's a safe bet to say that Will's constant pressing for emotional connection with Frankie makes her deeply uncomfortable, since we see several specific instances of this where she explicity points out that she doesn't want that connection. But Will is right though and she's got that charm virus. She's connecting with him as a friend even though she doesn't want to and that makes things uncomfortable for her.

Basically, what I'm saying is that sex in this show is never villanized nor used as a tool for humor; instead, it's treated in a more complicated way. We get the differing interpretations of sex from both Will and Frankie but neither of them is ever presented as morally superior. We also get differening interpretations of emotion from them both, as we have in previous episodes, but the waters are really muddied here, partly because of the disagreement about sex and partly because of the emotional baggage involved: Will feels betrayed because it brings the memory of being cheated on right to the forefront of his thoughts and Frankie, it seems (though it is just interpretation at this point), looks to be avoiding any kind of emotional connection by reinforcing her use of sex as a tool.

TL;DR 1) I'm seriously shocked that we're getting this much ship this early, 2) I will defend Will and Frankie both over anything so I get very conflicted watching this show, 3) it's so refreshing to see a show that doesn't use sex as humor or the sole driving thing behind a ship; UST is one thing, but the emotions at play here make for a much more interesting, compelling story and I literally love this show.

[70swonderpoisonstark]

Poison ( V )

Villain’s are people too, are they not? (Y/N) is taking the “home grown” terror title a little too seriously. You’re really really bad, until you meet a certain super soldier who makes you consider a career change. It’s a lengthy process, but you’re willing if it’s for the right reasons. Maybe you’re not so bad after all?

//basically poison ivy and a little bit of bane but with marvel characters?? I’d be original but I love her and them so much so sorry. also some changes, idk I’m making them my own but completely based of the DC characters SNS. Nickname Ivy, real name, yours duh!//

***this is my first attempt at fanfic so any feedback is welcome! I love all these characters dearly so, here goes nothing! Hope you enjoy***

A/N: Violence, language, crime. Friendly banter, lowest level of smut possible {I’ll update these as the chapters come out}

recap: you were drunk and heading to bed, your reputation with the Avengers seems to be doing better.———————————————————————————————————

Bucky was up before everybody else, nightmares tend to have that effect on a person, so he wandered the compound like he always did. He knew every corner, every step and every curve of the technologically advanced palace. Venturing out and admiring how far society had come in terms of architecture and technology, gazing at the large rustic clock that hung over the marble fireplace beneath it, wondering just how many parts made up such a huge clock. Were there as many parts in the clock as there were in his arm? He'd probably never know, but it was still enticing to think about. Bucky's favorite place though, was the glass walkway that connected the garage to the main part of the compound. He was thrilled by the idea of making a secured walkway out of something so easily broken as glass. The amount of light that always seemed to shine through always brought him a sense of serenity. The ability to be free, yet also confined to a safe and armoured area was just what his never resting mind needed. He looked through the windows, staring into the rising sun as it filled the rest of the earth with golden rays of warmth.

Once the sun has officially taken its place in the sky, he made his way back to the kitchen. The weirdly shaped plastic pod popped into the modern coffee pot as he waited for his mug to be filled with black coffee.

"You know, Sam's gonna kill ya for drinking out of his mug again." A sleepy Steve walked smoothly into the kitchen. His white shirt loose for the first time in history, shifting with his hips as he walked to a seat near the island.

"If he ever wakes up we'll talk about it." Bucky retorted as he tipped the glass to his lips. He looked at the clock about the oven, it was barely seven AM, and after a night of heavy drinking, Bucky was lucky to see anybody, especially Sam, before noon. The abnormal twists and contortions of Steve's body on the bar stool produced a very concerning vibe for Bucky. He could tell there was news to share, but a nagging voice in the back of his head lead him to believe it wasn't good news, at least for himself.

"Speaking of people who won't be up for a while," Steve began. "I might have spent a period of time with the newest team member." Steve wiggled his eyebrow suggestively, looking very pleased with himself. Bucky's hands clenched, subtly cracking the handle of Sam's mug. His body reacting before his mind could, metal parts whirred and tightened at the sound of Steve's words.

"What do you mean?" Bucky asked, trying to mask the anger in his voice with intrigue. He spoke calmly, trying his hardest to be friendly and supportive. It had been a while since Steve was this jazzed about a girl, but it felt wrong. Bucky wasn't interested, but imagining Steve with her wasn't something he wanted to think about, ever.

"Well, after everybody went to bed there was a loud noise from her room. I checked on her and she was just laying on the floor." Bucky heard the noise too. How stupid could he be? HE should have gone and checked on her, and all of this could have been avoided.

"I picked her up, slowly though because of her tendency to jump to her defenses. She laughed a lot, but I got her sitting up and she slurred a thanks to me. You know, I never noticed how normal she was until right then, the whole teams been trying to kill her before she kills them and there she was, drunk and sleepy just like everybody else." Bucky's ear were red hot, listening to Steve describe Ivy as if he just realized she was a human being, it made him nauseous. He knew Steve was coming from a good place but, how do you listen to your best friend gush over a murderer?

"Then she kissed me. It was shocking, but welcome. Buck, she's amazing. I don't think she'll remember because the kiss was short, but she did say lucky her, well, I think at least, she definitely said something that sounded like lucky. Isn't that great Buck?" NO. No. Nope. NO. DAMMIT BUCKY NO. How was he supposed to react to that? Shake his hand and congratulate him. She was evil, and, well, quite frankly a flirt and just not right for Steve.

"I don't know Steve, I think the two of you would cause a lot of trouble." Steve's giddy mood hitched suddenly and hard. Trouble? He's America's golden boy, what trouble could he possibly cause? Steve mind flashed back before the war, before the serum, to how all of Bucky and his night's used to go, resentment creeping into his mind.

"And why is that?" Steve crossed his arms and shifted his weight to his right leg, face twisted tightly as he awaited Bucky's response.

"You guys are both lawless, breaking rules you think are unjust. The two of you would be great, uh, but you need a nice girl Steve, and she's a little.." He didn't know how to end that sentence; seeing the look in Steve's eye, the anger, caused his brain to malfunction.

"She's a little what, Buck? More your type?" That hit Bucky a little harder than it was probably supposed to. Your type? As if murderous, lawless, rebels were his type all of a sudden.

"Wha- No, Steve that's not what I'm saying, she's just-" Steve's emotions took over the conversation as all rational thought had been thrown out the window. He fought with Bucky. As his best friend he should be happy for him, not lecturing him about finding a good girl. Old Bucky would have celebrated that a girl even talked to him, but no, new Bucky couldn't accept the fact that he was fair game now.

"No. Stop talking. You just can't handle that a woman might actually be interested in me instead of you, huh? It's just like old times, if she doesn't want you then something's wrong with her?" Steve's anger bubbled over to fury. Bucky had always had all the female attention, and now that Steve wasn't doing so bad himself Bucky was just going to gut him? That's not the Bucky he remembered.

"Steve, no. I'm not interested I just mean-" Flustered, Bucky tried to explain, he really did just want what's best for Steve.

"You know what, I'm done with this conversation. I wanted to talk to my best friend about a girl. Which is to much to ask for nowadays." He stormed out of the room, pissed off that Bucky wasn't happy for him. Sure, he might not know if he actually likes Ivy, or if it's just the allure of the potential threat that she is, but still, he kissed a girl, a girl kissed him. Bucky should've been happy for Steve, they're best friends, he couldn't have kept his bad opinions to himself this one time? Steve pouted all the way back to his room, so caught up in his emotional turmoil that he completely missed you walking out of your room and towards the kitchen.

You meant to smile at Steve, but he seemed down, and was hardly paying attention to his surroundings, so you avoided any contact. You were severely hungover, but all your time as an RN had really taken a toll on your body, so sleeping in was never an option. You solemnly walked your way towards the coffee pot, noticing Bucky at the last minute. He too seemed off, trouble in paradise probably. You left it alone, he normally avoided you anyways so you weren't going to go out of your way to say anything to the metal-armed hunk. You pulled your coffee cup away from the machine, adding just enough creamer and sugar to make it taste good, but not enough so that it wouldn't actually taste like coffee. The silence that filled the room was comfortable, then again you were used to most people being quiet around you, especially Bucky. As you traced the ring of your mug with your fingertip, something, a small tug in your brain was trying to remind you of something urgent. Looking up at Bucky for a split second, you heard the alarm inside your head, but couldn't figure out why you're inner fight or flight mode was being activated. Something happened, something including Bucky. Bucky. Bucky.. Nothing. Nothing came to mind as you racked your brain trying to remember this thing that's sounding alarm bells inside your head. You knew you'd been drunk, very drunk, but you'd remember sleeping with somebody. You definitely hadn't fought him, mostly because he was still alive(All the physical fighting's just for show, if you were attacked one touch and they'd be in a body bag). You hadn't walked in on anybody. What on earth did you do that was so terrible your cheeks were burning bright red? You contemplated every reason for you to possibly be embarrassed by and nothing. It wasn't until you saw him wipe excess coffee away from his sweet lips that you remembered everything.

You had tripped walking to the bathroom, you didn't have to pee or anything you just wanted to take your makeup off and brush your teeth. You were exhausted, and after falling so many times that night you just gave up, laying still to gain the courage to try to walk again when he came in. Broad, strong shoulders, and large biceps picking you up from the floor and setting you on your bed. A muffled, "Are you okay?" was heard through your drunk and sleepy haze. You knew who it was, who else would hear a small bump in the night and check it out?  The room was dark so you couldn't make out his features, but you knew, drunk you was sure of who it was. He asked a few more questions and helped you sit up straight, the two of you were already close, thighs touching as the two of you sat on your bed. You'd been crushing on him for so long, even before you became an Avenger-In-Training. He was everything you thought a man should be, a little broken, but with a huge heart and a dedication to do what was right, not what was legal. You couldn't help yourself, you just had to do it. You leaned in and kissed him right on the lips, hoping to God he would reciprocate the gesture, and to your surprise he did. He cupped his hand around your face, his rough calluses caressing your smooth cheek. "Bucky." You sighed, he was so incredible, you'd kept up with him since before the Avengers knew about him and had been fascinated ever since. He was strong, mentally and physically, but understands his trauma and how it affects his day to day life, and works through it. You'd never been so in love with a person you'd never met before, so when you finally did meet him, it was hard to stay a cold hearted bitch. He was so wonderful, you didn't want the kiss to stop, but refused to be the drunken lay of the Avengers compound and pulled away. A soft, "Goodnight." Was all that escaped your lips as he left your room.

Looking at him in the present light, sober, and completely off guard kicked you in the stomach. You tried to hide the embarrassment, attempting to keep the squirming to a minimum. You could feel him staring at you, he definitely remembered. Oh god how could you have been so irresponsible? Kissing a coworker after a couple bottles of alcohol? How stereotypical. You had to say something right? It's not like you could just sweep it under the rug? This was kind of a big deal.

"Hey, uh. Bucky." You started, could this be any more awkward? You were about to find out. "About last night, I-uh, I wanted to apologize for being so forward. I was really really drunk and I just kinda went for it without any notice on your behalf and if I made things between us worse then I'm really sorry and uh, we can forget about it all you want." Smooth Ivy, real smooth.

Bucky stood and stared at you for a while, trying to figure out what exactly you were talking about. He hadn't talked to you at all that night, he kept his distance and watched you from far away, and you definitely hadn't come and said anything to him after all that drinking. Bucky thought about what you could mean, knowing he wasn't drunk and had no clue as to what you were referencing, he figured he'd ask.

"I would love to accept your apology," Good, good okay so now you can just forget it right? "But I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"You, you don't?" You were taken aback, was he drunk too? Maybe he didn't remember either? God were you going to have to say it out loud? How much more horrifying could this get?

"We, well I guess I, no we, well after I fell last night you came and helped me up from the floor, made sure I was good or whatever and then I... well.. you remember right?" Every muscle, blood vessel, and neuron in Bucky's body froze in their tracks. Was she about to say-

"Well I kissed you, and I was super drunk and I just wanted to apologize because you've made it clear you want nothing to do with me but yeah. I'm sorry we made out, uh, I was very drunk, and it won't happen again." You looked at a now stoic Bucky, was he angry? Oh god, you've really done it now.

"Uh, so yeah we don't ever have to speak about our kiss ever again, and I'm gonna go hide in shame, so thanks? I don't know, yeah, uh, bye, thanks." You grabbed your mug and headed straight for your room. What happened to cool and calm Ivy? What happened to kill a bitch Ivy? What the fuck IVY?! YOU DUMB BITCH IVY HOW WAS THAT SO AWKWARD FUCK. You grasped your coffee with both hands, silenting scream at yourself. You tried to stay positive, thinking, well. It can't get any worse than that. (Oh how wrong you were.)

Bucky stood frozen in the exact spot where you'd left him. Trying his hardest to process all the information that was just thrown at him. YOU thought it was HIM who kissed you last night? YOU thought YOU kissed HIM. YOU had, drunkenly, wanted to kiss HIM? But it was Steve, you kissed Steve? But you thought it was him? And now Steve was mad because he wasn't happy for him, but Ivy didn't think it was Steve at all, she thought it was HIM. SHE WHISPERED BUCKY! NOT LUCKY HER. Good god what was going on. How the fuck was he supposed to figure this one out on his own.

"Looks like you've got yourself a bit of a problem, huh?" Why? Why did God forsake him like this?

"Please tell me you didn't hear any of that." Bucky silently prayed that Sam hadn't heard a word, knowing that Steve had already shared the news with Sam, so Sam knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Oh, no. I heard all of it. You thought Steve was mad before, he's gonna kill you now." It was everything in Bucky not to slap the stupid smug grin off of Sam's face.  

"Don't. Say. A. Word. Deal?"

"Deal? I'm not getting anything out of that agreement, Bucko." Sam wasn't going to tell sweet old Steve any of it regardless, but he never missed a chance to piss Bucky off.

"I'll replace your mug?" Bucky wasn't the best at bargaining, he usually just punched the person, got what he needed, and went on his way.

"You were already going to do that." He was right, Bucky had accidentally broken a few of Sam's mugs and replaced them all, sometimes without him noticing.

"I'll leave you and Steve alone for 'bro-time' or whatever you call it?" Negotiations were easier when you could kill the person afterwards. Now he actually had to do what he said.

"Again, you already kinda do that." True, Bucky was never much of a 'large group' kind of guy, and sometimes more than Steve counted as a large group.

"Fine. $50?"

"My man, we are in business." A large slap landed on the back of Bucky's back as Sam chuckled at his big business deal. He was screwed. Steve was somehow already in love with you, and the moment that made Steve think you liked him too, you thought it was Bucky. The whole situation was giving Bucky a headache. There wasn't any way for him to casually bring it up to you or Steve, he'd just have to sit there and wait for the brutal reality to fall on them.

You were a wreck, he had just sat there the entire time and said nothing. You'd always thought he was different, sweet, just a little damaged by society just like you. The talks the two of you have had ((when he was slightly drugged but still)) were so deep and meaningful, and it's like he doesn't remember any of it now. Was it because you were within reach? Was he just falling back on old ways and your conversations didn't meant anything? Was he disgusted by you? With the devil and Angels on your shoulders yelling distracting you, you ran smack dab into the center of Steve very hard chest, collapsing at the impact.  

"Oh shoot, sorry Ivy I- I, uh, wasn't paying attention."  He was jumpier than normal, you noted subconsciously.

"No, no you're fine Steve I, wasn't paying attention either.  A lot going on, yanno?"

"Yeah, yeah I do." Steve had such a fondness in his heart for you. How sweet you ended up being once he you got past all that ice. He felt compelled to do something, he had to, right? After a night like that he had to do something to solidify the actions? Your smile was enough for him to gather the courage. He grabbed you by your waist and pulled you into a deep, passionate kiss. You were shocked at first, not wanting to react or kiss back, but the care radiating from his lips, and the general amazing feeling it gave you changed your mind. Not long after his surprising gesture, you had your arms wrapped around his neck , deepening the kiss as your tongues tangled in each others mouths. You felt hot, and wanted more, much more. You pulled down softly on his neck, his hands finding their way to your hips as he gently pushed you against the wall. His hand rests on your thigh, raising it to his own as the two of you exchanged silent, sloppy words. You broke the kiss, only to rest your lips along his neck, kissing softly as you felt his body tense, you were both hot, body's craving more as the loneliness hit you harder. You knew it was wrong, but for a moment his hands were cold enough to be mistaken for Bucky's. It felt so right, and then he grabbed you by your chin, twisting your head and returning the loving neck kisses. You couldn't deny how starved you were of attention, how much you needed somebody to touch and love you, how Steve was an opportunity to have a loving embrace. Your hands trailed their way from his chiseled chest to his cold belt buckle, lust devouring any rational thought that popped into your head. You were ready to give Captain America everything you were, and he was ready to receive it. Steve went to open the door to whatever room the two of you were in front of, when the whirring of metal made the two of you jump apart and run away very quickly. You walked into your room, cursing yourself for falling so easily into Steve. It was great, wonderful actually his lips on yours, his lips on your skin, but you wanted Bucky, you had to have Bucky, and now it just became even more complicated because you decided to think with what's between your legs instead of your head. Maybe he didn't think anything of it, he had been known to be very iffy with women so maybe you just weren't for him and he'd let you know next time he saw you. You weren't really his type anyways, he was a good guy, loved a blonde bombshell who volunteered and read to children and blah blah blah. He wasn't into you, you were a bad guy, past tense, but still he would never,  right?

Steve felt like he could fly, the embrace the two of you just shared solidified the fact that he wanted you, and vice versa. He was going to continue his plan to somehow get you to commit to him. He knew your history with men was deadly, but he wasn't about to let that stop him. You were stunning and beautiful, and funny. You lit his skin on fire, just a touch and he was ready tear whatever clothes you were wearing off immediately. He wanted you, mind, body and soul, and he wanted you bad.

Bucky had wanted to talk to you, to tell you that it wasn't him but he wished it had been. He wanted to say that he would love to talk to you more, he wanted to tell you how he felt weirdly connected to you. And then he walked upon you and Steve basically fucking in the hallway.

His heart dropped. Seeing you with him, he knew it happened the night before, but you had thought it was him. You definitely knew it was Steve this time. Did he drive you to this? Or did you only want Bucky to get to Steve? Had you apologized because you and Steve were already dating? Who came onto who? Bucky didn't know what to think, but seeing Steve's hands rummage so sloppily over your full hips and waist ignited a fury inside him he hadn't felt in a long time. Was this jealousy? He couldn't remember what it felt like to be jealous but this was definitely what he thought it felt like. He was pissed, not only at Steve but also himself for not saying anything when you came to him. He could've said so many things that would have prevented that explicit scene in the hallway, but instead he remained speechless, silenced like always. It wouldn't happen again, he couldn't, WOULD NOT, let Steve have you. He could have any girl he wanted, you were his. And after 70 years of being deprived of needs, he would have you to himself. Someway, somehow, he knew he would, even if he had to dip back into his HYDRA roots he would find a way for you to love him, you were a villain after all.

———————————————————————————————————

// sorry for the wait, a girls been kept busy. Hope the chapter turned out well, and thank the lord for the wonderful @lunathepettuna for being the cure to writer's block! Check out her amazing writing if you get a chance! If anybody has anything they’d like to see lemme know! Thanks again! P.S. if you guys want to throw random vocab words at me I’ll try and find a way to incorporate them and tag you! Thanks for reading! May Odin bless you! //

[theinquisitivej]

‘Secret Rooms’ Definitive Edition – A New Century Review

Available on Kindle on Amazon.

Available as an audio series on Bandcamp.

When I first reviewed the original edition of Secret Rooms back in early 2017, I thought it was a solid instalment in this alternate history series of fictional stories. I enjoyed the mix of genres, the variety of conflicts the characters found themselves in, and the balance of humour and more intimate moments where characters went into their experiences with grief. At the time, I saw it as an enjoyable story that is somewhat overshadowed by some of the later instalments in the series which were getting better and better with each book. Having said that, my review for Secret Rooms is still full of the many positives I found in the original edition of the book which make it a great read and/or listen. I stand by everything I said back then, and you can read all of it here.

         But things sure have changed since that review. New Century has had two new entries with The Christmas Thieves and Let Them Go, and Secret Rooms has been bolstered with a brand-new Definitive Edition. This new edition adds extra chapters, some re-recorded lines, and just more content that helps this early story in the series stand up with the rest of the impressive entries in New Century. It’s not a radical transformation, but this expansion on the original story makes the narrative feel more complete, more thematically resonant, and just as polished as the other standouts of New Century like Arlington, Tiger’s Eye, and Let Them Go. If you’ve been following me, you’ll know that I’ve been writing up each of the new chapters of this edition which have been collected into a new short-storyline called Weirwood. You can read my detailed thoughts on these chapters here, here, here, and here. What I aim to do with this review is to lay down a string of observations that I noticed while listening to this Definitive Edition and re-experiencing the story of Secret Rooms. If you want a spoiler-free review of the story, the original review absolutely has you covered. If the story sounds like your cup of tea, check out the Definitive Edition, and once you’ve enjoyed it, and you will enjoy it, come back here and we can sit down and talk about the book together.

         As I’ve mentioned before, there are moments in this story which seem to take influence from Mass Effect. Encounters are self-contained and varied, making the world of the Reunified States of America feel more alive and unpredictable. There’s also a sense with each of them that, whatever our protagonists decide to do, there are half a dozen other possible outcomes that might have occurred if they had gone left instead of right. Characters discuss their options, and the different suggestions will rarely be unreasonable or entirely without merit. There’s no clear answer to how each of the problems they’re confronted with ought to be resolved, so the story of Secret Rooms is very much about a group of people trying their best to do the right thing and help as many people as possible. A lot of the time, that means making choices that aren’t guaranteed to lead to the best outcome. A lot of the time, they simply have to take a leap of faith and hope that it will be for the best.

         Speaking of Mass Effect, you could summarise parts of Secret Rooms as a charismatic badass female leader recruiting a number of striking personalities in order to accomplish a seemingly impossible task. Yes, I am comparing Annie Oakley in New Century to FemShep, and I find her sentiment that the world isn’t going to get any better unless we step outside and make it better inspiring. In contrast to how Arlington pitches Annie against unpredictable and overwhelming forces that render her practically powerless, Secret Rooms shows Annie in her most impressive light. What makes the story of this book as compelling as it is then is that, after Annie is established to be the ideal image of a Cartographer, she passes the responsibility of decision-making to Abigail for the duration of their excursion together which makes up a good portion of the narrative. At first, this is done to give Abigail a taste of what it’s like to be confronted with a difficult situation so that she can appreciate what is required of being a Cartographer. Once they arrive at the House of Versteckt, however, Annie is forced to leave James and Abigail to fend for themselves as she rides to gather reinforcements. This is James and Abigail’s greatest test, and after making it through, they’re changed forever. Secret Rooms is the story of these two capable yet inexperienced characters and their journey to find their own way as they set out from their familiar home and are cast into completely uncharted territory. Having Annie play an important supporting role as this accomplished Cartographer supervising these two new recruits provides a safety blanket for the first part of the story, but once we enter the final act and the two are left alone, our protagonists seem unbearably vulnerable.

         I’ve already discussed the accomplishments of the additional chapters as an emotionally affecting story-thread within this new edition of the book, but it must be stressed that these chapters aren’t just a tacked-on short story. The new chapters are integrated into the existing structure of Secret Rooms seamlessly, and they even reinforce some of the key story-beats and themes of the original text. After we’ve seen half of the people of New Athens leave for dangerous lands in spite of Abigail’s best efforts to convince them against this course of action, we transition back to the story of James and Abigail’s past at Weirwood. The first part of this section has James relate a memory he had had of Nathan telling him that the best way to convince a wondering chicken to come to you was to pretend you weren’t interested in it and didn’t want it. By placing this immediately after the chapter where we see that Abigail couldn’t get these wandering civilians to come with them, the audience is invited to form a connection between the two moments separated by time. Is it possible that Abigail would have found more success if she had not made it clear that she really wanted the people of New Athens to come with them, as Nathan suggests you avoid coming on too strongly with the chickens? Or could it just be that there really is no way to convince something out of your control to be tamed when their mind is set against it, so all you can do is steer into it and act like you never even wanted it in the first place? Either way, I appreciate how the added chapters reinforce moments from the original story in little ways like this.

         One theme in particular that becomes much more pronounced in this newer edition is the concept of human relationships between a group of three people who love each other. Abigail and James both share a personal connection with Lucy and with each other. For a time, they are content as this group of three that has somehow found a happy balance. Even when things get messy and complicated, the individual pairings we see, first with James and Lucy, then Lucy and Abigail, is presented as something sweet and beautiful, even if it does lead to the third member of the group feeling hurt in each case. It’s compelling drama that takes this situation seriously – you certainly couldn’t accuse this plot thread of being a clichéd love triangle, as it’s much too well-observed for that. It taps into a very human experience, and while part of you wants to blame someone when things go wrong, the writing ensures that you understand why things happen as they do, making it an intensely bittersweet story, even before the tragic ending reveals itself. As I listened through the Definitive Edition and reached Part Four, I realised some of the parallels that can be drawn between these three and the story of Krieger, Greta, and Charlotte. The Definitive Edition presents us with two groups of three, each of them being made up of two female members and one male member, and each group is made up of people who share a romantic love for one another. All of these people are in love with not just one person, but two people. And, sadly, the two groups are also alike in that they have each lost one of its members, and each group mourns the loss of the sensitive soul that they so dearly miss.

         It could be that these similarities are there to make us notice the connection and then ask what makes the two trios different from one another. While Lucy, James, and Abigail were young, practically children when they felt this love for multiple people and were struggling to process these feelings, we see evidence that Krieger, Charlotte, and Gretta managed to maintain a polyamorous relationship for an extended time as adults. This makes me wonder what might have been if Lucy was still alive; could the three of them have worked things out and still be close? Is there one reality where Lucy is still alive and the three of them enjoy a long-term polyamorous relationship with one another? Then again, the trio from the House of Versteckt certainly isn’t a wholly perfect example of a healthy polyamorous relationship, at least in respect to the awful thing that Krieger does to Charlotte. The final chapter does a brilliant job at getting you to be sympathetic towards Krieger even as he discusses the process of killing one of the women he loves and his reasoning for doing so. His logic for why it’s too dangerous for Charlotte to continue as she is does seem sound, and you can tell from the words and Matt Wardle’s emotional performance that this is killing Krieger. Even so, in comparison with Abigail and James allowing Lucy to be free and go out into the open world as they let go of her, Krieger sealing Charlotte away and making the decision for her that her life needed to end is a horrifying violation. If you’re looking for evidence that Krieger’s actions have had lasting negative consequences that Charlotte herself did not want, look no further than the fact she appears to Abigail as a ghost, her spirit being trapped by what Krieger did. The dynamic and interconnecting relationships of each trio is touching, heartbreaking, and fascinating to see unfold as the narrative progresses, and the Definitive Edition makes this one of my favourite aspects of Secret Rooms.

         There’s also a point of connection between Lucy and Krieger due to them both having conversations with the main characters about the cosmological and their place in the wider universe. When Krieger delivers his lecture about Pandora’s Box and the theory of multiple realities, I couldn’t help but think of Lucy and James sitting together looking at the stars all those years ago at Weirwood. A crucial difference, however, is that while Krieger sees the scope of reality and the potential Lovecraftian horrors out there and thinks of the fearful implications of that (despite his insistence that he would still open many boxes and explore many realities), when Lucy considers her small stature in the scale of the infinitely greater universe, she sees the hopeful side of things. If nothing matters, then everything matters, as she says. I appreciate having these two moments of introspection from different characters and seeing their different conclusions on, more-or-less, the same subject. It opens things up, and makes me even more contemplative than the original edition had already made me.

         On a similar topic, the starry eyes, both those that Gretta is revealed to have and those that Abigail and James acquire after touching the orb, made me think of Lucy and her stars, especially as James describes looking into Gretta’s eyes like looking up into the starry sky at night. Perhaps this would be the only way to describe such a concept, but it nevertheless felt like a deliberate connection between the eyes and this important memory of Lucy. My interpretation is that this connection is there to make what Abigail and James see when Krieger and Gretta leave through the Wind Door and Gretta’s eyes are revealed feel even more like something beyond their world. This memory of Lucy and the stars is like an ethereal moment which is forever out of reach for James, so the connection between this moment and seeing Gretta’s eyes makes it feel like we’ve stepped beyond what we can understand or touch in the physical world that we know.

         Listening to Secret Rooms this time around, I realised how much of a blow it is for James to lose one of his eyes. The original draft already did an effective job at conveying how much the loss of their eyes will affect James and Abigail through the writing. But because we get that added time with the two of them at the start of the Definitive Edition that shows us these characters from an early age, I feel the magnitude of how much of what James relies on to get by will be irreversibly affected by what he’s lost. We know how much he needs his powers of observation to get by in his day-to-day interactions with people and his duties as a doctor. So much of his identity has been built around his sharp eye and his close attention to detail. Now that his sight is less than what it was, these parts of his identity are affected considerably, and you can imagine how that would make James feel unsure of who he is now that he’s no longer that version of himself.

         The Definitive Edition of Secret Rooms is a terrific success. I enjoyed this story before, but with the added content that this new edition brings, there’s more time with the characters which makes the later sections of the story more meaningful, and the themes are bolstered by the story thread with Lucy which invites us to draw parallels between what happened in the past and what we see in the present. On top of that, the story of Lucy and Weirwood is just a really emotionally affecting story about past regrets, achingly beautiful memories, and the deep connections between three people who loved each other. Maya Santandrea is a wonderful Katherine Holloway and I’m sure there are dozens of little audio adjustments and small technical edits throughout the audiobook which make the whole thing even more polished than it already was. Tiger’s Eye and Arlington are still at the top of my list of New Century stories, but through a combination of coming to appreciate it even more on a second listen and some really well-implemented additions to the text, Secret Rooms has climbed up high to be yet another of the really close favourites that the series has in spades. Depending on my mood, I could very well see myself saying that Let Them Go, The Princess Thieves, or yes, Secret Rooms is my favourite New Century story.

Final Ranking: Gold.

Striking an impressive balance between a fun spirit, nail-biting tension, and emotional drama, Secret Rooms takes you through a remarkable number of different genres and tones, and it makes all of them work. This was already a good story. Now it’s even better.

Join me in the new year as we dive into all-new territory with New Century’s most ambitious story yet, SteamHeart.