#i love myself two angst mentally ill gays

[appreciatingtokrev]

i'm currently working on a kokonoi/kazutora piece because i was struck by a very weird but very motivating struck of inspiration, so. it's hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending (at least those are my plans-). i've written about 1k now, started two scenes, one certainly unfinished, one maybe. anyways, i need to gush abt the parts i'm the most proud of somewhere, so i'm doing it on here. enjoy!!

the red parts are the things i am most particularily proud of n will talk abt, the other bits mostly provide (some, at least) context,,

,,To be honest’’, he says, and turns his head to look at Hajimes face, ,,I never thought I’d make it to twenty-seven. People love to ask, What are you going to do when you’re all grown up? I didn’t know, thought I’d be dead soon, anyway. Just said I’d like to open a tattoo shop, so they’d shut up.’’

,,Well, what would you like to do now? In a year? When you’re all old and frail?’’ He smirks, but the emotion doesn’t reach his eyes. They remain empty. Soon, his gaze turns away again.

,,I don’t know. Open a tattoo shop, maybe.’’

,,How would you like to die, Kazutora?’’ Hajime looks at him.

(now, there's a LOT to unpack here. they are having wild late night talks, after all. well, first of all, kazutora basically admits to have wanted to die his whole life. he says he'd tell people he'd want to open a tattoo shop in particular, and koko picks that up, obviously. he, too, asks him what he'd like to do later. kazutora answers with opening a tattoo shop. and now, you see, koko listened to him. he knows that kazutora still wants to die. he still doesn't plan his future. and because of that, he asks, how do you want to die? maybe it's so he can prevent it. maybe he's just curious. but he listens, he understands, and he accepts. and kazutora loves him for that. he's sure chifuyu (who he has unresolved tension with in this fic, that i'll hopefully resolve in a platonic subplot) would've not gotten the message, or at least acted out on it.)

He has to tear his gaze away from Kazutora, not bold enough to look. Not bold enough to see if his eyes finally show dislike.

(kokonoi is a coward. he knows, he's always been. he's very afraid of fucking up and losing someone who's important to him in the process again (inupi). and he doesn't really believe that anyone could love him, without some kind of resentment or bitterness or whatever involved.)

Suddenly, he feels a warm hand on his cheek. It applies some pressure, slowly turning his face towards Kazutora’s. He’s smiling. It’s genuine, and it reaches his eyes.

,,I told you to look at me, Koko. I won’t hurt you. I won’t be hurt.’’

Hajime’s heart skips a beat. He feels the other’s breath touch his face, making his skin crawl. He doesn’t dislike it, though. It’s just unusual. If he were bold enough, he’d lean in, but he isn’t. All he’s ever been is a coward.

Kazutora lets go of his cheek and turns his head away to stare into the distance. The moment is over, and Kokonoi regrets. He looks at his half-empty glass of wine and drinks until there’s no liquid left.

(you guys can't imagine just how proud i am of the i won't hurt you. i won't be hurt. !! koko mostly needs the reassurance that he won't hurt tora, not as much the other way around, but kazutora makes sure to provide both. i think that kokonoi heavily blames himself for all that's happened between him and inupi and he feels really bad about it all. he fears that he'll accidentally hurt the people he loves most again and thus has difficulty getting closer to others. kazutora is afraid of the exact same thing (..among others. fr, he's really just some silhouette, filled with trauma and other mental problems to the brim), so he understands, and he reassures him accordingly. the other lines are about kokonois cowardice again. another thing that's haunted him for most of his life, another thing that ruined what inupi and he'd had. he's working on it, though. i'm also quite proud of the regret line, don't really know why. regret is a rather big thing in this piece (as well as learning to accept it), so maybe that's why.)

,,Koko is different. He actually listens to me. You don’t’’, Kazutora murmurs.

,,I... Tora-’’

,,Don’t fucking Tora me. Maybe I’d tell you more about him, if you told me more about yourself, too. You’re as dense as a brick wall, I don’t have a clue what you’re feeling, all I know is it’s not good. But all you ever do is keep quiet and try to do everything by yourself’’, he explains, intently looking at the man in front of him. He breathes in, deep. ,,Didn’t you learn from Baji?’’

Chifuyu looks at him, shock in his eyes. He opens his mouth but remains silent. Kazutora runs away and locks himself in the bathroom.

(as stated before, kokonoi listens. chifuyu tries, but doesn't manage. he can't pick up on the small hints tora gives, while koko can. (also, random, but i'm actually a huge kazufuyu shipper (they're my biggest ship in this fandom, tbh, lol) and i don't necessarily agree with this normally, but it really fits this fic and they're totally platonic in this anyway, so. yeah) chifuyu canonically does that. baji did, too. and if you felt like that baji line hit you over the head with a brick, it did what it was intended to do!! well, i'm really really proud of this line, because aaaa adgjjfgjgfdhhs the fucking tension. the audacity. the hurt. the pain. the angst. and the fact that kazutora is right but chifuyu can't admit it and aaaaa. also, tora took a deep breath to emotionally prepare himself for saying that sentence, and also to decide on wheter to actually do it or not. and then he fucking did.)

[transmasc-wizard]

Favorite sentence you wrote this year?

Most important writing lesson you learned this year?

What was the highlight of your writing/writing career this year?

How would you summarize the themes of your work this year in one sentence?

Who was your favorite character to write?

Summarize your writing project in 5 key words.

If your original fiction were an AO3 fic, what would the tags be?

continuing the backlog saga. lee i am so sorry for the amount of "ask answered" notifs you will get in the coming days

favourite sentence:

ok so my favourite singular sentence is:

He was born for greatness, and destined for nothing, and too alone to see those in front of him.

it's from the rose librarians and i think it captures the tragedy of charlie. BUT, if i am allowed to cheat and provide a few context lines, my actual favourite line is on the other side, he had his monsters. context:

And that was when he cracked. The boy did not know it yet, but that day, his heart of ice split down the middle.

On one side, he had the acceptable emotions within him. His joy, however infrequent. His kindness. His humour. His smiles. His love.

On the other side, he had his monsters.

most important writing lesson:

probably that as someone with a myriad of problems mental and physical, i cannot hold myself to the standards i had been. it's okay if i don't write a lot, it's okay if i feel too scattered or sick or foggy. it's not a flaw, it's just part of my writing experience.

highlight of my writing career this year:

probably coming up with the entire plot of TRL in two days and then drafting half of it in like a month haha.

summarize the themes:

"you deserve to be cared for. you cannot do this alone."

val saintly, rose librarians, gfs... they all have it. even gilded/rotten, the other ones, and dat, my much sadder and more horrific works, still have that underlying theme in some way.

character:

hmmm probably corey or astrophel. fucked up trans guys ftw

summarize:

im gonna do this for two of them

GFS: friendship, grief, vengeance, magic, healing.

Val Saintly: travel, self-acceptance, responsibility, safety, rest.

if it were on AO3:

ill do this for the gilded and the rotten!

polyamory, heists, angst, hurt/eventual comfort but it takes a long af time to get there, graphic depictions of violence, major character death, gallows humour, religious themes, everyone is gay, everyone is trans, everyone is neurodivergent, unhinged wlw

[whywoulditho]

a bunch of haikyuu headcanons i can't stop thinking about

i can't find the time to finish the manga so it lives in my head 24/7. *sigh* bear with my silly thoughts about these gay volleyball dorks

W: brief mentions of mental illnesses and eating disorders

Atsumu is dyslexic. (Bad at academics, gets the worst score in every test. Teachers usually understand so he doesn't fail his classes but he knows that volleyball's the only thing he's actually good at. So he tries his damn best all the time -to show that he's not so useless after all, he's good at one thing, at least. And yet, his brother is better than him at that thing too. I like the angst.)

Kiyoomi has OCD. (I'm actually just projecting myself but it's not my fault it fits him perfectly.) He was diagnosed when he was very little and has been going to therapy for as long as he can remember. I've seen a couple of articles about how in some Asian countries such illnesses have to be said in CV and resumes and people can face discrimination in employment because of them. Which made me wonder, could Kiyoomi have had a hard time getting into an official volleyball team? Could his long history with this incurable mental illness have gotten in the way of his career despite his talent? I think maybe his parents wanted him to get a college degree in case his volleyball career doesn't work out just because of this. And I think he was really scared too.)

Yamaguchi had an eating disorder in middle school and recovered throughout his high school years. (Tsukki might be stupid in many things but he's careful with this one. He reads about it online and tries to help. When Yamaguchi's parents are out for the night he invites him over to dinner to make sure he eats something. Yamaguchi says it's okay, he doesn't have to worry about it so much. Tsukki says shut up, he means I like spending time with you. He's getting there.)

Atsumu and Kiyoomi were married in the 2021 Olympics. Ushijima and Kageyama didn't know for like a week. (that's when they decided Kiyoomi would change the name on his Jersey lol)

After a whole year of travelling the world by himself, Nishinoya started feeling lonely —and scared, when he realised the world was bigger than he thought. If Asahi hadn't tagged along he would have given up and gone back home. But when he did, Nishinoya started enjoying travelling again. They stuck together since then,

Asahi proposed in Paris because they're silly and sappy and in love like that.

Suna and Komori are gossip besties. They talk shit about everyone in the V. Leauge. Osamu joins sometimes. Kiyoomi sells info.

Hinata is allergic to many things.

Atsumu claims he hates his brother but he takes all his teammates to eat dinner at Onigiri Miya three times a week.

Yamaguchi brings lunch to the museum for Tsukki. All the other staff there ADORE him. They're all surprised someone so nice like Yamaguchi is friends with Tsukishima Do Not Interrupt Me While I'm Lecturing About Tyrannosauruses Kei.

Kiyoomi is terrified of insects. (Atsumu wants to make fun of him for it but he's equally scared. Meian rolls his eyes and curses all his life choices as he mumbles "ok you can get off the table now, i threw the spider out" for the fifth time that week.)

Bokuto gives the best hugs. (He spins people around too, to Akaashi's horror. —"Please stop doing that in front of my coworkers, Bokuto-san, I have a reputation.")

Kuroo always interrupts Kenma's livestreams, unintentionally. It starts with a hand that slides a plate for him every five hours. Then there's a whisper yelling of "Eat your vegetables too, I made them with love, Kyanma, have some respect and eat your vegetables." which Kenma only responds with clearing his throat. There's distant chuckles coming from the background or Kenma yelling mid-game "Kuroo get off the net my connection's lagging!" Things like that. They don't say it to public but they don't try to hide that they live together either. (Kodzuken fans started a tag #thatguykodzuliveswith on twitter and they ship the two. Kuroo thinks it's hilarious.)

(This one's a bit sad) Iwaizumi and Oikawa were dating in high school. They were disgustingly in love, too. In their senior year, Oikawa applied for a bunch of teams but got rejected. Since he never made it to Nationals, his resume seemed dull and teams didn't want a rookie setter with no visible success. Among the teams that did accept him, the best one was Club Atletico San Juan, in Argentina. But as uncharacteristically as it may seem, Oikawa was hesitating. Over thinking about what would happen to their relationship, could they really make it work? Was it worth it? Iwaizumi saw right through him, of course he did, and he didn't want to hold him back from achieving his dreams. And like the dramatic idiot he is, he broke up with Oikawa. And did his best to break his heart, too. Oikawa boarded his plane and went to the other side of the world with nothing but anger in his heart for Iwaizumi. Iwa cried a lot, but he was sure that this was the best thing he could do for Oikawa, letting him go. (The next time they saw each other was in the Olympics. After the Japan vs. Argentina match Iwaizumi found him in the locker rooms. Oikawa punched him. They got back together. Or maybe they didn't. I don't know. I like breaking their hearts I like the angst.)

Kiyoomi pretends to hate kids but he gets along with them. (as long as they don't touch him so much they're pretty cool little humans) kids like him a lot. He's surprised too. (I'm projecting—)

Miyas' grandma loves Suna better than both of the twins.

Tendou dragged Ushijima to Disneyland and forced him to do all the stupid things there was with him. (He thought he was forcing him while Ushijima was actually enjoying the trip a lot.) (Also, the moment Tendou saw Ushi with Mickey ears and face paint was the moment he knew.)

Korai and Hirugami have been dating since their last year in high school, but they haven't told their families about it. Years later in Schweiden Adlers, Hirugami's older brother Fukuro is Korai's team captain. And Korai feels so guilty for secretly dating his brother that he can't even look at Fukuro in the eye. They hesitate whether they should tell him or not, and Korai is stressed tf out™ all the time thinking that soon captain's gonna find out and they'll kick him out of the team. And then, one day in a team dinner Fukuro turns to Korai and says, "This place's fish is great, you should take Sachiro on a date here someday, he'll love it." ...He's known the whole time.

Everyone is asexual because I am and I say so.

Atsumu and Kiyoomi are dog parents.

Kenma and Kuroo are cat parents.

Yamaguchi and Tsukki are bird parents.

Suga and Daichi are plant parents.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[dusk-writes]

favourite wolfstar fic tropes

tagged by @alifeincoffeespoons ! here's mine, in no particular order:

smart Sirius! he's canonically extremely intelligent & I love exploring that aspect of his character; he's reckless & impulsive at times but he's definitely not stupid. Remus & Sirius as intellectual equals working together to innovate & problem-solve is one of my top favourite things.

creative & good-humoured Remus! even as a Professor & after over a decade living in near-poverty, Remus shows a clear sense of humour; he's absolutely not a wet blanket or a stuffy by-the-rules type. he was always a true Marauder and he never lost his sense of fun. he also has a definite sarcastic streak & is a cold bastard on the rare occasions when he's genuinely angry (for instance: the shack scene @ wormtail).

loving & mutually supportive wolfstar!!! they're two messed up people who have been through hell, but their relationship is (and always has been, even before it became romantic) gentle & caring at its core; they give each other the love they won't allow themselves, and they have in each other a safe place to be vulnerable and vent their anger/fear/depression/pain/etc (hey look i love fics exploring their respective mental illnesses & traumas in a way that's realistic & respectful; love doesn't heal but having support makes things easier).

FIX-IT CANON DIVERGENCE, because these two deserve better (i love angst but i'm not here for downer endings okay). I especially like post-Azkaban fixes, because it's peak hurt/comfort.

Sirius is effortlessly drop-dead-attractive (of course) while Remus is striking in appearance but not conventionally attractive. neither of them spend any time on apprearences (sirius knows he looks good without trying while remus is self-conscious & convinced he'll be unappealing no matter what; in school they would both tease James for fussing with his hair so much). also, both of them are Tall (remus slightly moreso but everyone thinks it's sirius) and no one has a moustache.

gay demi Sirius! in particular I see him having some strong aro vibes & Remus is the only person he has ever been with or wanted to be with. also, Remus is bi & had a handful of brief relationships over the years, but he intentionally broke everything off before they could find out he was a werewolf or get too attached emotionally.

marauders' era wolfstar is cute, don't get me wrong, but I absolutely LIVE for Ultimate Slowburn fics where they're only just getting together for the first time after Azkaban,,, just give me decades of yearning & mutual pining & both thinking they have no chance but still having so much care for each other,,, it's my favourite thing (seriously if you know any fics that fit this trope pls let me know bc this one is so hard to find; my collection so far is here)

quality Dogfather content! Sirius in particular is the Best Dad (his dynamic with Harry was my OG Fave Thing abt the whole series); Remus is a bit slower to warm up & less of a natural but every bit as caring. also they both love animals! after the war (which they definitely both survive) they have many pets.

'the Prank' not being a big deal. just Nope. no thanks. not remotely interested in that.

ok i think that's all the important ones; either way i'm cutting myself off here lol

[hozier-mp3]

Chapter 6 is up! Above is Chapter 1 for those of you who haven’t read it!

Updates are Mondays and Thurdays. The times themselves will be sporadic, but usually from 12-8PM EST.

I don’t have anything to say for myself.

Summary: 26 year old Castiel has lived in The Sanctuary his whole life. He lives with two rare and strong powers in a world in which magic is illegal. His great grandparents founded The Sanctuary as a place where people with magic can live without fear of being arrested or worse. When he was 16, Cas took over The Sanctuary as its sole caretaker. Now, ten years later, he’s used to the work, and he loves and protects the people inside with a passion. One day, he’s talking with his best friend and right hand woman, Charlie when he hears a knock at his door. A man stands there, claiming to have the power of possession.

This man’s name is Dean, and when Castiel notices just how hopeless he is, he can’t help but let him into his home.

Rating: Teen And Up

Warnings: None Apply

Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester(mentioned), Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester(mentioned), Kaia Nieves/Claire Novak(mentioned)

Characters: Dean Winchester, Castiel Novak, Sam Winchester, Gabriel Novak, Benny Lafitte, Anna Milton, Crowley Macleod, Michael (Supernatural), Lucifer (Supernatural), John Winchester, Alfie (Samandriel) (Supernatural), Balthazar Novak (Supernatural), Bobby Singer, Claire Novak, Kaia Nieves, Jody Mills, Donna Hanscum, Garth Fitzgerald IV, Eileen Leahy, Charlie Bradbury, Kevin Tran, Linda Tran, Amara (Supernatural)

Tags: Magic AU, magic is illegal, Technically criminals, slow burn but not, Fluff, Dramatic Irony, Angst, Lots of Angst, Descriptions of depressive episodes and mental breakdowns, Descriptions of minor panic attacks, Not a wingfic but wings are mentioned, Wing removal, Multiple Depictions of mental illness, Makeout Scenes, Angst with a happy ending, Alcohol, Alcoholic tendencies, John Winchester’s A+ Parenting, Abuse Mention(past)

Below the cut is my meager tag list. (Let me know if you want to be added!)

@larandomfangirl @darianyunidi @destielwentcanonomg and @polkadotelephants @supernatural-gay-undertones (Let me know if you want to be taken off!)

[yououghtaknow]

5, 29 and 30? Also, I read all four seasons of Skam Brighton over quarantine and it was fantastic! The changed storylines were so refreshing and I’m so excited for season 5 💛

hi!!!!! thank you so much for asking and thank you so much for reading <3.

29. which version (og + adapts) does yours most closely resemble?

hmm. well i would say skam austin, definitely, as a western english speaking remake. also with the dance team/theatre club vibes and the music aspect. also skam españa, definitely, with the centring of the girls' stories and just the beautiful friendship tone of it all, which is what i really wanted to get across. also some druck in there, with the realism and fixing the trans wrongs they did. and alistair fletcher has the drama of skam france, just as a character. what do these remakes all have in common? canon wlw. which was the main thing i wanted to write in this remake. skambr has 11 canon named wlw characters who have all played major-to-minor roles in the plot of each season, with 5 of them being members of the girl squad and three of them being mains and having wildly different experiences with their attraction to women because you can’t sum up the lgbt experience with just one person.

30. free choice! just give us some fun facts about it!

fun fact: i have never physically been in brighton. i would like to be one day, but i will most likely not get there before the series finishes.

second fun fact: i was originally planning to write a skam remake set in derry, northern ireland before i wrote skam brighton. that idea has morphed into something else that i plan to write, but it is a fun fact!!

and now. the big one.

5. what are some iconic soundtrack moments?

here we go lads, seasons 3 and 4, like promised.

season three

tw for discussion of mental illness and suicide, drug abuse and violence throughout.

trailer

WE START OFF!!!! WITH A BANGER!!! "tainted love" by soft cell. it’s an iconic 80s banger that we all know and love, about a toxic relationship, and we see a type of favourite character that is niche to me (the guy with perfectionism/parental issues who did some fucked up stuff in a piece of media who not a lot of people like). it’s jake baby. it’s about him living his life and being like “i feel like i have to run away from all of this” (a sentiment which shall be echoed later on). and jake with all of his different masks…….. i was ahead of my time.

episode one

we open with “say amen (saturday night)” by panic! at the disco which is. kind of yikes now, but the song does have the vibes i desired for the opening scene. a party-esque banger. lyrics like “i pray for the wicked on the weekend / mama, can i get another amen?” for the catholic imagery and mommy issues. also panic! is known throughout history to be an lgbt band. 

then we get “get out of my head” by redlight”, just for the mental illness of it all. also it has been said that i do love a good party song with deeply depressing lyrics about the main playing in the background <3. 

and then we get me ripping off druck with “idontwannabeyouanymore” by the theorist playing because i just wanted to use a piano cover of the song because silence with just instrumental is just very dynamic and mentally ill. 

and then we meet eleanor with “insane” by sonny fodera and biscits, which is basically just the lyrics “girl you make me go insane” because. well. you hate to see it folks, but we gotta foreshadow the internalised ableism and the hating one woman as a treat.

and to close off a very music filled first clip, we got “drive” by halsey, a staple of tumblr culture back in the day because it is just like “all we do is think about the feelings that we hide”. literally when you are gay and alone and are just so desperate for someone to see you but also so deeply afraid of it because that means change coming <3 

AND THEN!!!! we meet the love of my life ms christine love as she hums “express yourself” by madonna as she cleans the house. i wanted to give christine a lot of 80s music in her scenes, to show that she’s living in the past in regards to jake’s dad. also it’s just a good song, “you gotta make him express how he feels” is me writing any of the characters having dialogue.

AND THEN BABY!!!!!!!!!!! we get a moment i love so deeply. “mama who bore me/reprise” by the sweet signatures. an all female acapella cover of the iconic spring awakening song. this song has everything - heavy metaphor about sex, wanting your mum to tell you shit, catholic imagery, teen angst, amazing belting. we get the slow part as jake is alone and just trying to work out how to help his mum, and then get the ANGRY BANGER as jake goes out to play with his dogs to get his frustrations out, because at the end of the say, all of these characters are still kids <3

then we get “young (club mix) by jaded because i just wanted kind of boring straight party music for the bryan and rory scene. 

BECAUSE THEN LGBT COMMUNITY!!!!! we get jake’s dramatic walk down the hallway as “somebody to love” by queen plays. it’s about the catholicism, it’s about the being gay, it’s about the being so fucking lonely and just wanting somebody!!!!! also the parallel between jake’s lonely scene with “somebody” playing and liz’s crowded scene with “nobody” playing…. it’s about mentally ill people being different but also the same <3

AND. NOW. THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. we meet Him. the most valid theatre kid rep in the world. mr alistair thomas fletcher, who enters our lives singing “shallow” from a star is born under his breath as he washing his hands. once again, i’m ahead of my time. but also the first lines al sings are, metaphorically, him talking to jake. like “aren’t you tried trying to fill that void / or do you need more”. and then we begin a piece of foreshadowing most pleasing to me. alistair in season 3 and the recurring motif of falling, which will climax at the end of episode 10. also foreshadowing of his experiences with bipolar disorder with “in all the good times i find myself longing for change / and in the bad times i fear myself”. and we also begin the motif of jake interrupting al’s singing. 

(you may be thinking, isaac tumblr user nickhealy, you’re putting a lot of thought into this. that’s because out of all of the characters, al’s the one who never really expresses himself with his words or actions - he usually expresses himself primarily through music, which is a very fun and autistic thing of me to write.)

(also, the og episode 1 bench scene did make me feel very. not good as a gay trans guy, with all the talk of penises and such. it’s just very sexy of me to change it to al talking loudly about ballet and elton john. and then we get jake up on the balcony and al down yelling up at him. because i have literally never referenced anything subtly in my life)

and we end with “how does it feel” by m-22. like: “how does it feel when your walls fall down /  how does it feel when you're lost and found / how does it feel / it's the sweetest sound”. like it’s about jake meeting al, king of not being Good At Social, fletcher, and instantly being like “yes, husband material, thank you”.

episode two

(yes, this episode is titled after the gay hsm song. yes i’m a genius)

we open, as all good things do, with a fun homoerotic punk song with catholic imagery “east jesus nowhere” by green day. it’s just jake being like “i am Trying to find the instagram of a cute guy outside of church, love being a sinner”.

and now we see the beginnings of Sad Boy Jake, with “it’s ok, i wouldn’t remember me either” by crywank. we got “i am looking for an easy place / to mask my thoughts behind my face” and “i can hide from friends but i cannot hide from you” because he’s gay and he has depression. 

AND THEN!!!! we get “i like you” by dandelion hands playing as he comments supportive things on the youtube video of al….. literally jacob love will see a pretty boy one time and be like “last time i had you i should have kissed you”. also his alternate name being jack valentine…. valentine and love ugh my brain is so big

AND THEN!!!!!!! slow mo time, with “bite” by troye sivan…… a gay classic, if i do say so. like it’s about jake seeing al casually walk past, being all prententious and out, and jake’s just like “please set me free and let me walk beside you” because of the gay experience of simutaneously wanting to be a person and kiss them.

and then we get “the daisy chain” by the growlers. “feeling pressure on every side” and “tired of waiting to be explained / weakest link in the daisy chain”. it’s just the vibes babe.

AND THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! a brilliant moment in my bare a pop opera stanning career - we get jake watching a bootleg of bare 2004 as “role of a lifetime” from the show plays. literally one of the most gorgeous songs ever written, sung by matt doyle. like everything is an act when you’re pleasing everyone - which could be the tagline of skam brighton as a whole. also jake watching “see me” and beginning to tear up because he’s afraid to come out to his mother and get the same negative reaction….. and him watching “cross” and sobbing because he relates to jason so much and feels like he would also be better off dead than gay….. 

BUT AFTER THAT!!! we smash cut to al as jeremy in be more chill, singing the beginning of “more than survive”. absolute king shit!!!!! also, i don’t remember if it’s mentioned in canon, but eleanor is the person who plays the squip in this production of bmc, because i am not!! subtle!! with!! my!! metaphors!! 

and we return to sad boy jacob with “swear to god the devil made me do it” by the front bottoms, chosen because references to the devil and mommy issues <3

AND THEN!!!! A MOMENT OF GREAT FORESHADOWING!!! we get mister alistair fletcher practising alone in a theatre because he is dramatic, and jake walking in as he sings “broadway here i come” from smash. we got references to saints, we got hints at al’s anxiety, we got the falling motif coming back in a song explicitly about jumping off of a building, that also doubles as a song about wanting to do theatre….. also, al plays the last note wrong as a metaphor for al’s plan of suicide going well until the very end, where he ends up alive and goes home.

(side note, we also got the football team’s jackets and signature colours being black and white (straight pride flag colours babey) and then we see al in bright yellow. it also represents jake’s depression and al’s mania, the everything and the nothing of it all.)

AND THEN!!!! we get manic (in the most literal sense of the word) pixie dream boy al asking jake to dance with him to “movement” by hozier because. it’s literally just such a beautiful song. and jake is just watching al dance like “hm. no thoughts head empty just pretty boy”. also the scene itself is a reference to wicked, with jake doing an awkward and stilted dance and al taking it and turning it into something graceful (the glinda and elphie scene in dancing through life)

and then we get the return of blue neighbourhood with “youth” by troye sivan playing over a smoking montage with the boys, because they’re young, they’re gay, they’re vibing

AND THEN!!!! we get “talk” by hozier playing as the episode ends - a song that of course references orpheus and eurydice, as al also did in this clip with hadestown. it also plays over ellie talking because jake is just Ignoring her to pay attention to al. also the inherent homoeroticism of making eye contact while hozier plays

episode three

we open with “highway to hell” by ac/dc over a fun football montage of jake both playing the game and getting bored and checking out guys. it’s about the thinking he’s gonna go to hell for doing it but he literally Cannot Stop

AND THEN!!!!!! a moment. we get a performance of some of “all you wanna do” from six by al and ellie and their theatre kid friends as they rehearse for something at lunch and jake, bryan and rory watch them. ellie’s doing the whole flirty k howard thing, and not actually getting into the real feeling of the song, and the guy she’s dancing with it awkward as all fuck because he’s her cousin. so we get al stepping in and fucking going the fuck off. and we see how good of an actor al really is in this scene, as he’s legit scary. we also see ellie clearly having feelings towards al and him just being like “yep good acting! moving on!!!” because no thoughts just dance. also bryan and rory not understanding that the song is about assault and jake being genuinely concerned….. and then al and ellie’s kiss at the end as ellie “dies”..... god the real reason this show isn’t made is because i would be too powerful if i could make everyone see my theatre kid mischief.

AND ANOTHER MOMENT!!!! we get “like a prayer” by madonna playing as jake is living his life and taking some “am i gay” quizzes - the questions of which are comprised of actual am i gay quizzes i took to make the scene as legit as possible, and as a gay trans person. Did Not Like. Would Not Recommend. also jake admitting he’s gay to the quiz because he’s pissed about the concept of misgendering al….. also jake forcing himself to pick the straight options even though it’s emotionally hurting him…. and then we hear christine singing in the hallway “everyone must stand alone” because it’s jake pov at the time…..

AND SMASH CUT TO!!! fall out boy’s cover of “i wanna dance with somebody”, because at the last very gay house party “i wanna dance with somebody” played and i love a good parallel

AND THEN!!!!!! literally the hottest of all hot boy summer things, we get al and esther doing some karaoke at the house party with “don’t you want me” by the human league. (which, yes, is a glee reference.) THE LITERAL COURAGE OF THIS MAN!!!! alistair fletcher looked a closeted guy, who he has had three (3) interactions with in person, dead in the eye and was like “i know you want me”. as opposed to esther “just be her friend first and then see about anything else” montner and james “I Will Never Speak To You Again If You So Wish” cohen.

and then, because of course i did, we get “bad romance” by lady gaga playing over the next scene with the beginnings of the boy squad because it’s a gay house party and it’s a fucking banger for the ages

(also just the shift from al hot boy summer fletcher to al gay disaster fletcher with him running literally out of the house because he kissed a guy.)

“left handed kisses” by andrew bird and fiona apple plays after jake and al’s deep conversation outside. like jake’s really out here like “i don't believe everything happens for a reason” and “i don't go in for your star-crossed lovers / in the heart of a skeptic / there's a question that still hovers near” because al info dumped about his love for adaptation of romeo and juliet…. (side note, al is definitely an & juliet stan, as everyone should be, stream & juliet <3)

episode four

we open with a song i discovered when i was in a community theatre rip off version of cats, “the show” by lenka. it’s about a song about indecision in the middle of a church before confession, because jake can’t actually confess to the sins he believes to be true. it’s about the “'cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot to be something i'm not”.

And then we fade to “pink + white” by frank ocean (because mlm rights), and just like “you showed me love / glory from above / good glory, dear / it's all downhill from here” is a very al/jake line. also it’s a bop for a little football montage.

AND THEN!!!! on halloween, we get a little montage of jake dancing to “paradise by the dashboard light” by meatloaf as he makes himself a sandwich - it’s literally about just being happy and having a nice time. and also jake dancing to more old timey music because he’s going up to his parents’ old room and he’s also living in the past a little, with his childish snack and playful dancing.

(also, the phone call where al just infodumps about bare and jake’s listening and asking questions <3 it’s about the autistic love and friendship yet again)

and then we get “i’m so tired…” by lauv and troye sivan as we arrive at the very awkward ellie/jake/al pre drink, because Is Jake Not So Tired Of This Heterosexual Bullshit He Must Do.

(also, it is my personal headcanon, and therefore canon, that al convinced ellie to go with the angel and devil costumes so that he could pull up in his leo-as-romeo get up and live out his baz luhrmann esque fantasy).

AND THEN LGBT NATION!!!! we get “run away with me” by ms crj as jake and al literally run away from the party after al got misgendered and Pissed. it’s about the using romance and whimsy as an escapism from your shitty life, it’s about the being the in darkness and occasionally getting hit by the street light, it’s about the “i’ll be your sinner in secret”, it’s about the bare connotation with the “run away with me” parallels. it’s also about the song being one of the best songs ever written.

(and then we get the wedding, which, before i get into the song, is a reference to So Many Things. we got west side story with the fake wedding and first kiss, we got hadestown with al making the wedding rings from nature (a la wedding song), we got bare with wedding bells and the dream wedding, and in the scene, we get some vineyard scene from spring awakening vibes, with the discussion of the future and religion and philosophy…… quite literally i love art so much)

and then. ladies. a piece of writing written in Peak tender tumblr. al and jake have the kiss of their wedding to “pink in the night” by mitski. it’s literally about the “i know i kissed you before but / i didn’t do it right / can i try again?” of it all. like jake love voice “i glow pink in the night in my room / i’ve been blossoming alone over you”. the repression, the pining…………. i am such a talented man.

and then we end with a doctor who reference, with al saying “run”, taking jake’s hand and the two of them running out of the church as “run away with me” comes back in. it’s literally about al taking jake out of his dull life and helping him find his own happiness. it’s also about the inherent autistic culture of relating to aliens.

episode five

WE! OPEN! WITH! a song about being gay and falling in love with someone immediately after meeting them - “share your address” by ben platt. a bop for the ages. it makes me so happy, it’s a great “early stages of a relationship honeymoon stage” montage song.

(also, i just really love the detail i put in about al’s binder, because the cuddle scene with david and matteo in druck did make me worried because david was wearing his binder. like i understand why he wore it for the actor’s comfort but just the thought of sleeping in a binder…… terrible. awful. pain beyond my wildest dreams.)

(also also, al saying he couldn’t get on hormones because of “problems with his heart” is a lie, because he means because of his mental health, which is based on personal experience babey)

and then we get an iconic skam song: “talk show host” by radiohead plays as jake sits in the back of a drama club meeting, isolating himself. it’s literally about the “i want to be someone else or i’ll explode” of it all. 

and then we get “rock and roll” by led zeppelin as jake walks his dogs - just because it seems like the kind of song jake would like and it just vibed with the whole scene.

(also, the clip where jake texts al at the beginning of it and then asks bree about her family….. literally i’m so good at foreshadowing)

AND THEN!!!!! WE GET THE ICONIC!!! “involuntary teenage rebel” by clout from grandma’s closet plays as we get a jake solo slow mo. literally they were right when they said “they say i'm a teenage rebel / but i'm really just afraid of how i come across to others / and it bothers me when i look weak”. like that’s just another skam statement line babey. also it’s genuinely such a good song and literally helped inspire me to do more songwriting…. stream it 

and then we get “heaven” by avicii, chosen purely for the title being “heaven” because christianity centric season.

AND THEN!!!!! we get jake asking al to come save him from the shitty party, and al says “wait for me, i’m coming”, an obvious hadestown reference, and when he arrives, he’s singing the “la la la la la la la”s from the show. it’s because the party - where bryan, rory and ellie are - is, in al’s mind, hell, and he’s going to save jake from it. 

and then, because, as mentioned, the way al express his true feelings is through Music, we get al trying to comfort jake by playing him a song - “you matter to me” from waitress (put a pin in waitress, i’ll get back to it later). the inherent homosexuality in “come out of hiding i’m right here beside you / and i’ll stay there as long as you’ll let me”. also it’s just about mattering to someone. like, for the first time in his life, jake has someone who’s saying “i love you, you matter, i will be here for you” and he just needed that So Much. 

episode six

AND WE SMASH CUT IMMEDIATELY TO!!! “london boy” by taylor swift, a campy and beautiful bop!!!! because al Is from london and he Is a boy!!! (also, fun fact, i was going to make al be from ireland originally, but then someone in the skambr discord said this song should be used in a scene, and i was like “okay, fuck it, london time”)

(also, you can subtly see al’s mania in the london boy scene, with him coming up with quick ideas, clearly having very low anxiety through the past few episodes, and just taking off his shoes and going for a walk in a park in november…..)

and then we get “landslide” by fleetwood mac as jake lies in his dead dad’s bed. it’s really about the “can the child within my heart rise above? / can i sail through the changing ocean tides?” and about the grieving as a child and your mental health getting worse while you’re still so young and you feel like the world’s on your shoulders and you’re both an adult and a child at once……

and then……. we get “class of 2013” by mitski after christine has her breakdown and jake packs his things to run away. it’s about both of them dealing with their grief by pretending it never happened and having all of that build up inside of them until they can’t take it anymore. And i see the lyrics of “mom i’m tired / can i sleep in your house tonight?” in this specific situation as jake being tired of his father’s constant presence and he just wants to be in a house with his mother the way he remembered her before his father died. 

(and, sidenote, this is one of the saddest scenes i’ve ever written, in my opinion…...with jake being like “she’s so crazy, but i’m nothing like her” because he’s in denial of his own mental health issues and al seeing him saying that as “oh, he’ll see that i’m crazy too and want to leave”...... and al says his final goodbye to jake, using his full name, because he assumes jake will never want to speak to him again, but jake has no idea……..)

(also, jake parroting bryan’s words of “gay marriage is legal, so everything is fine” in the pride clip……. God. and the way jake’s internalised homophobia and ableism manifests in the same harmful way….)

and then we get “don’t threaten me with a good time” by panic! At the disco as they boy squad rolls up to the party in the park. it’s just a party song. no deeper meaning lads.

and then we get jake in the bathroom having a little breakdown (as a treat) to “Give me novacaine” by green day. it’s just about the using alcohol and drugs to cope with your poor mental health because you have no other quick way to make it all better. It’s about about jake trying both to numb himself and to force himself to feel something, but neither one of those things give him the results he wants.

episode seven

we open with another iconic and beautiful song: “life in italics” by clout from grandma’s closet babey. like jake love voice “all these troubles on my mind i’ve been lonely / building walls running from the old me”. thank you clout for literally writing some of the best lgbt music. 

AND THEN!!!!!!! a scene that brings me much joy. “gotta go my own way” from high school musical 2 plays in the other room as jake has a religious breakdown in a literal (storage) closet. and then al leaves the group chat and blocks jake…. like jake voice “another colour turns to grey / and it's just too hard to watch it all / slowly fade away”

and then we get “hello!” by role model as jake goes for a depressed jog and he sees bree out drinking with some random people. like “i never really talk much, keep it inside / to find someone who cares is getting harder to find / we should be dancing in the sun / it's hard when everything is numb”.

(also, at the end of that clip, we briefly shift from jake’s pov to al’s, as we see al filming in the park and he films jake running away…… do i know what this means metaphorically? not really. do i vibe hard with it? oh hell yeah)

AND THEN!!!! after jake and sandy have their beautiful conversation, we get “under pressure” by queen and david bowie, another older song, this time expressing jake’s joy as he finds some small solace with his younger self. it’s also just about the inherent homosexuality of the song and of sitting on the beach, eating chips with your best friend.

episode eight

WE BEGIN!!!! with a youtube video of ellie and al singing “wallflower” from we are the tigers. i chose this basically because i wanted to get more of a vibe of what their relationship is/was across, and also because i love the song (stream we are the tigers original off broadway cast recording). it’s also about the dynamic of the song being “shy introvert vs outgoing extrovert being very toxic friends”, and also about the ellie supporting al stuff, because she has canonically been there for him for years, just not in a very good way. also i wanted to write representation for the “had a very intense friendship with a girl pre-transition and then had a dramatic friend break up and now i’m a guy and feel disconnected from the whole thing, although it was quite homoerotic at the time” people. this scene also marked the beginning of my purely self indulgent musical number scenes, and be warned, this may the the first, but it is by no means the last.

and then it’s very music lite for the rest of the episode, until al returns, and jake’s like “hey, maybe you should stop talking to your toxic friend” and al responds by beginning to make out with him as “fuck time” by green day starts to play. the COMEDY of jake being like “seriously, i think--” and then all you hear is “OOH BABY BABY IT’S FUCK TIME”. skam brighton is a comedy show.

and then we get al “communicates through music and theatre references” fletcher beginning to sign the ASL translation of the bridge of “word of your body (reprise)” from spring awakening with jake - which is another Very tragic show - and al also literally says the line “and so you should”. and al responding to jake jokingly calling him insane by shutting him up with another kiss….. oh ladies.

episode nine

WE! OPEN! WITH! “love shack” by the b-52s as jake wakes up and sees james and al just having some Fun making breakfast in the kitchen. it’s just some boys being boys and having bants.

and then we get jake using al’s love language of music and singing “those magic changes” from grease, singing along to the jordan fisher and aaron tveit version because that song did assist in my gay awakening.

(also, al stanning female doctor pomatter in waitress and james stanning waitress as someone from an abusive household….. my mind.)

and now. we begin The Big Bad Clip. “why didn’t you stop me” by mitski plays over the beginning of jake and al’s london adventure. it’s literally about looking back on the scene as it happens in a montage and al being like “why didn’t you stop me from doing that”..... god.

(also, jake and al go to see waitress, which Has been played before, and it’s foreshadowing for how their relationship ends. jenna and jim’s relationship - the main couple of waitress - begins with them cheating on their parents and falling in love quickly in secret, but they know it’s not healthy for them to keep the relationship going, so agree to end things and part ways as friends who wish nothing but the best for each other.)

and then we get “oops! I did it again” by britney spears glee cast version, because it’s just really Sexy and Fun. also just the mentally ill experience of “oops! i did a manic episode again!”.

and then we cut between a piano version of “last night on earth” by green day, as jake sits alone in the hotel room, and “true trans soul rebel” by against me! as al walks down the streets of london, in a split pov, and then we see al having a full meltdown/breakdown in the middle of victoria station. like al voice in this scene “another night you wish you could forge, / making yourself up as you go along / who’s gonna take you home tonight? / does god bless your transsexual heart?”.

and then we get legit “last night on earth” by green day as jake walks away after ellie yells at him. just because it vibes so much.

episode ten

we open with “mystery of love” by sufjan stevens as jake walks down to al’s house, because it’s just a vibey song, and while i hate cmb//yn with the fury of a thousand suns, it Is a song written for mlm.

and then we get “better alone” by lykke li as jake researches al’s various diagnoses. and it’s just like “nobody wants to be the one to walk away / nobody wants to see the truth, then let it in, run away / nobody wants to know the ways they don't love you right” and then “i’m better alone than lonely”..... mr love

and then we get “let it be” by the beatles, a Very nostalgic old fashioned song with catholic themes and just big comforting and recovery vibes…. jake confessing his real feelings to the priest and then reuniting with christine in the church and hugging her tightly and they both agree on working on getting better….. 

and then we get to the talent show, where we see the end of ellie singing “on my own” from les mis - as jake did at the beginning of season one. is this foreshadowing? is it a coincidence? i honestly don’t know. i just chose it because basic theatre girl song.

AND!!!!! THEN!!!!!! we get the song that acts as al’s suicide note: “the goodbye song” by joe iconis (writer of be more chill and “broadway here i come” from smash). we get the return of the falling motif with “i’m flying away” and the lines that really act as what al imagines to be his final goodbye to everyone he knows, as everyone he knows and loves is in that building: “i'd stay if i could / but the universe won't let me / so please be good / and don't you forget me”, and then al turns the “aahs” at the end of the song from a catchy crowd pleaser ending to a long, painful scream as the audience slowly stops clapping, until the room is silent, and then he bows a la the emcee at the end of cabaret (a bow which is often viewed as a metaphor for the character’s death). it’s literally just al having a breakdown on stage, but he rolls a nat 20 on his performance check, and the audience are like “this is very good performance art”

we then get a flashback to “broadway here i come” because. i am a king of foreshadowing.

and then we get “wait for me” from hadestown (obc version) as jake runs to find al, and it’s about the role reversal of jake running to save al from something worse than al saving him for bryan. it’s about the repetition of “wait for me, i’m coming” because of the fear of “what if i get there too late?”

episode eleven

“a better son/daughter” by rilo kiley plays as jake looks through al’s two tumblr blogs - and the song simultaneously a very al and jake song. with the descriptions of depression and dealing with a mother with mental illness at the start, which are very jake, but then the lines “and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on / and your friends they sing along and they love you. / but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap” are just the base character description for al.

and then we get “the archer” by taylor swift as jake goes into the school again…. like he has been the archer and he has been the prey, in regards to being gay (with him helping in outing sandy and being outed himself).....

(also, fun fact about the episode, it was originally written to be from al’s point of view, but then i decided against it and had to rewrite it, which is why there’s only 4 clips instead of the usual 5 or 6)

and then, lgbts, we get “the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us!” by sufjan stevens as jake walks his dogs  out on the beach and al goes to the beach to write his emo poetry…… also, fun fact, al’s poetry is the first time i’ve ever written poetry/lyrics that weren’t about me, which is very fun. 

and then!!!! at the beginning of the final clip, we got “footloose” by kenny loggins, the iconic bop from the film of the same name. just because it slaps and it’s a fun time.

(we also get some Foreshadowing with al referencing rent in this scene)

and then. transgender nation. we get “midnight radio” from hedwig and the angry inch playing over al and jake’s having fun and being dumb kids montage. 

i know riverdale made this song a meme, but it HITS. it’s about the al referencing origin of love in the cuddle clip, al saying “i laugh because i will cry if i don’t”, it’s about the “for the misfits and losers” and the “hold onto each other”. it’s literally about jake finding community and also wholeness and happiness in himself.

(also, jake talking about all the little soulmates and the fact that he believes that the boy and girl squads are all his soulmates in different ways…… and bree actually paying attention and showing some vulnerability at that point because she loves her friends so much!!!!!!!!!!)

season four

tw for discussion of sexual assault/rape, alcohol abuse and abortion throughout

trailer

lgbt community. we begins with the regrettes' cover of "don't stop me now" by queen because a) i think it's fun when women and b) it's about bree's mania that we've already seen throughout the seasons, this time from her perspective, and it's simultaneously a Fun Time and a Foreboding time.

episode one

we open with "hail mary, gentle woman" by the cathedral singers, which is literally just the prayer "hail mary", but a song. i chose this because catholic, women, and church time babey. also because it was always one of my favourite hymns growing up (because, in case you couldn't tell from half of the mains being raised catholic and lowkey fucked up because of it, i was raised catholic)

and then we SMASH CUT to "r u mine?" by arctic monkeys, a sad british teen staple, as we see bree wake up in josh's bed for the first time and take the "walk of shame" to get to church. it's about the "i go crazy 'cause here isn't where i wanna be", introducing the Mental Illness, bree's want to get out of where she's from and go to a good uni, and her literally not wanting to be in some strange guy's bed in one line. am I reading too much into this? hell yeah. but it's my show, so i can read as much as i want!!!! (also "satisfaction feels like a distant memory" is both about her depressive states and josh not being able to make her orgasm <3)

AND THEN!!!!!!!!!! we get "all i really want" by alanis morissette, the beginning of my season 4/jlp parallel hyperfixation. it's about bree kinning frankie healy and "do i stress you out?" being her @ audrey. and just bree voice "it would knock me to the floor if i wasn't there already / if only i could hunt the hunter". it's just a perfect teen angst song and it's perfectly grungy and brianna-y.

AND THEN!!!!! we get "kiwi" by harry styles playing as bree slow mos by herself down the street. it's about the just hot girl energy of the song and also the romanticization of unhealthy behaviour because that's bree, baby!!!! also we get more of the word "crazy" because of bree's internalised ableism, and we also get the chorus of "i'm having your baby, it's none of your business", foreshadowing her unplanned pregnancy done by josh, who we saw in the last scene.

AND THEN!!!!! we get "chandelier" by sia as bree and the girls have a fun party moment, but bree is still Fucked Up mentally by seeing annabell and also men being creepy. it's about the using alcohol and drugs to push away your feelings because you have a lot of trauma and have internalised ableism and have no idea how to get the help you need without being vulnerable, which terrifies you so So much. also we see that bree forgot to take her meds in this scene, which i couldn't explicitly say in the scene because spoilers, but it's a fun thing.

then we get dodie's cover of "when the party's over" by billie eilish because i like the soft piano vibes of it as bree walks home after the party, because we always see bree as "the party girl", but the party's over now and we see her petting her cat, making sure her brother's home safe, taking off all her makeup and pretty clothes, completely non sexualised, and just getting into bed to sleep because she's just So Tired. also it's about bree pretending she's happy on her own, but she's Not, she has a lot of self loathing and deeply loves her friends more than anything. also a bree/rori moment with "call me friend but keep me closer".

episode two

we open with an audition sequence!!!!! because i'm a theatre kid and love a good audition sequence!!!!

we get rori singing "sexy" from mean girls, because it's a very rori show (pink aesthetic, fun female characters, a funny time), and because it's a very maureen from rent song. also rori is just a very funny person and also has a sick high belt in my mind. also it's about her learning to like the way she looks, slowly but surely. it's also a song about changing who you are, which is a very skam brighton theme.

and then we get al singing "vienna" by billy joel, but the shortened version they did in smash, but he also plays the piano like ben platt in the politician because he's a basic white theatre boy. it's also just a beautiful song about growing up and maturing, and also "if you're so smart, then tell me why are you still so afraid?" is a very bree line. 

(also, the part where josh calls milo his "kid cousin" and then bree's like "yeah, milo's the same age as me" but josh ignores it…… creepy!!!!! bad!!!!!! also, side note, milo is canonically genderfluid and uses different pronouns depending on the day, which is why they change throughout the season.)

and then!!!! we get annabell singing "hallelujah" by leonard cohen, which is just a stunning song, we all know this. it's a song about faith and doubt and it's also a parallel to rori's happy go lucky song, which annabell's being slow and sad instead. also they're jewish and gay and lovely. and then the jeff buckley cover plays over the next scene because it's Good.

and then we get "feel it still" by portugal. the man as the girl squad text. it's just a fun song and the line "i'm a rebel just for kicks" is great from brianna "rebel girl by bikini kill" holland.

and then, swiftie nation, we get “new romantics” by taylor swift as bree agrees to go out with josh because she’s being self destructive. like the fact that she says yes to him as the line “we’re all bored / we’re all so tired of everything” plays say it all. and just the whole song is very bree core, as a whole, also it’s a really fucking good song. i am a 1989 (deluxe) stan.

and then we fade away with “vienna” by billy joel because it is such a good song god bless <3

episode three

WE!! OPEN!! WITH!!! “tik tok” by ke$ha because it is genuinely one of the best songs of our generation, and also it’s just a very shopping centre song. i don’t know why but it Is.

AND THEN!!!!!!!!! we get genuinely one of my favourite songs that i’ve been waiting to find the right scene for ever since i first heard it. “dog bite” by stella bridie is just genuinely a stunning song that really Gets bree’s character as a whole, especially the first lines “putting on lipstick in the bathroom at the doctor’s  / i got a party after this blood test”..... the whole Need to be perform feminity whilst doing something as simple as going to the doctor’s as bree draws herself and tries to make herself look perfect because she believes her only self worth comes from her body and just….. the vibes. immaculate.

and then we get “ophelia” by marika hackman, another beautiful song, as we see bree self destructively look through all of the cyber bullying that’s happened to her in the past as a way of emotional self harm. it’s just a genuinely depressing scene with a good song underscoring it.

but then we cut to rori and brianna out for a jog together - because both have issues with their self image, but also because they’re friends and like to do things together - as “it’s nice to have a friend” by taylor swift plays. it is a very homoerotic song, with a lot of childhood friends to lovers vibes, which is kind of what we’re going for here. they are both very deeply sad but also it is nice to have a friend and have someone there for you when you find out the cast list of the musical you auditioned for and you can hug them…….

and then!!!!! we get “...ready for it?” by taylor swift as we get another party sequence because it’s a fucking banger and also brianna is Very reputation as a person, which will be shown with some other taylor songs throughout the season. also it’s kind of a “are you ready for it?” for the Deeply Sad scene that follows the fun party sequence, because this is skam brighton, and i will always write scenes of people being sad outside/after parties.

episode four

we begin with “harlem” by new politics as bree, annabell and dean hang out at the shopping centre and fuck around in clarie’s. it’s about a funky song and about the recurring line of “like you, like me, like everybody else” of the three of them all having their mental illnesses in common and bree simultaneously feeling happy that she can be open about it, and deeply uncomfortable that she has to be open about it.

and then we get “crush on you” by elijah who as bree scrolls through instagram and looks at two pictures - one of annabell and one of rori and nick, and when she likes the picture of rori and nick, she literally taps over nick’s face so that she can just look at rori <3 it’s about the bree being a bicon.

and then we get the theatre club watching rent as a fun time!!!! we get tune up #1 and voicemail #1, just iconic numbers. we get theatre kid supreme al knowing all of the words, cool guy james doing his air guitar, and when the line “let her be a lesbian” is sung, we get annabell cheering and rori awkwardly looking away because she has internalised homophobia.

(side note, one of my favourite aspects of this season is that it’s a subversion of the past three, where we’ve seen sandy, liz and jake deal with their internalised struggles with their sexualities, but with bree and rori, rori’s the one dealing with her sexuality, while bree is in love with her quietly)

AND THEN!!!!! we open clip 5 with the iconic skam verse song “call your girlfriend” by robyn as the girl squad show up at a house party and bree and rori have a homoerotic moment

and then!!!!!!!!!!!! a moment of skamverse wlw solidarity, “blush” by rhiza plays as rori and bree kiss in the bathroom. a) because it’s a good song and b) because the whole “she's just a friend, you know, but sometimes yeah i wanna kiss her, uhm but that's just 'cause she's cute right? that don't make me gay, it's not like i like other girls like i only like her, i mean no, i'm not gay, right?” part is really summing up what rori’s going through in this scene. also the song is just a bree song. 

episode five

WE OPEN WITH!!!!!! an iconic moment, if i may say so myself. an iconic wlw song, “boyfriend” by marika hackman, plays over bree and nick out partying. like it opens with the lyrics: “i've got your boyfriend on my mind / i think he knows you stayed with me last night” and then we get “it's fine 'cause i am just a girl / ‘it doesn't count’”. i mean. come on.

we then get a snippet of “rent” from rent in a rehearsal, with the lines: “how do you leave the past behind / when it keep finding ways to get to your heart” and “how can you connect in an age / where strangers, landlords, lovers / your own blood cells betray / what binds the fabric together / when the raging, shifting winds of change / keep ripping away”, which all really relate to brianna with her trying to bury her past traumas and and how she struggles to connect and also struggles with change - and the reference to fabric in the line when she’s the person who does the costumes for the show.

and then we get “pynk” by janelle monae as bree and annabell go charity shopping together and have a nice time. It’s just a fun wlw song and i like it. also it’s boppy and happy and kind of dreamy to show how their relationship is very on the surface and not as deep as it once was and they’re not really going to get that back so it’s just really awkward. 

AND THEN!!!! we get bree panicking because she’s getting creepy messages from josh so she runs to hang out with the girl squad and works on her drawing of them, focusing on rori as “head over feet” by alanis morissette plays. this is kind of a contrast to “pynk”, with it being a song that uses real instruments as opposed to the more electro feel of “pynk” to represent the two different relationships. also the lyrics “you treat me like i'm a princess / i'm not used to liking that” and “you've already won me over in spite of me / and don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet / and don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are / i couldn't help it / it's all your fault” are just Incredibly rori/brianna.

and then we get “hand solo (acoustic)” by marika hackman as we get a brief scene of bree masturbating to some not very healthy p*rn. i was hesitant to include this scene, out of fear of over-sexualising bree as a bisexual girl of colour, but then i thought i had to include the scene from a non-sexual stand point - to show how bree uses sex, even in her own mind when she’s alone, as a self destructive thing, and to show that masturbation is a normal thing to do, but also it’s a hint that bree’s state is getting a bit more manic than usual, so she’s getting more hypersexual. also for the catholic guilt of her stopping and looking up to see the cross above her bed.

when then get ortopilot’s cover of “basketcase” by green day, which is more of an acoustic version of the song. the song itself is just a Very mental illness song and just has a lot of vibes of guilt with it, and the beat of the song is very quick and manic in itself.

we then get “every breath you take” by the police playing over bree and josh’s Scary text conversation in the fish n chip shop, because it’s a creepy stalker song with Pleasant Music over it, which is kind of the Vibe i was going for with josh. also, the season came out around the same time as skames season 3, and seeing the parallels between josh and miquel, with josh being very emotionally distant and miquel being very emotionally close, but both of them having the same goal in mind and end result was very interesting to me. also both of them being very creepy old guys who should stay away from teenagers <3

but then. oh but then. we get a moment that is genuinely one of my favourites. we get the broadway cast version of “forgiven” by alanis morissette, another one of my favourite songs. i chose the broadway version because i prefer the quieter orchestration and the build up to the chorus instead of going all in on it so quickly. i chose this song because bree does parallel frankie from jlp, yes, but she also parallels mj in the fact that she’s repressing her trauma from being sexually harassed and assaulted by adult men ever since she was a child. and the song itself is very beautiful and bree core, with lyrics such as “my brothers, they never went blind for what they did / but i may as well have / in the name of the father, the skeptic and the son / i have one more stupid question” and “we all had our reasons to be there / we all had a thing or two to learn / we all needed something to cling to / so we did”. we also see bree seeking refuge in a church after being harassed by josh, because religion is the place where she genuinely feels safest, but she also doesn’t feel safe, as a bisexual woman in the catholic church, but she also knows in her heart that she is loved by god. 

episode six

WE! OPEN! WITH! “motion sickness” by ms phoebe bridgers plays as bree wakes up at liz’s house the next morning - a song literally about a shitty older man - and then bree is literally sick in the bathroom, claiming she has food poisoning from the strange fish they got last night because she couldn’t go to their usual place out of fear. but, in reality, this is morning sickness from her pregnancy, because she had sex with josh for the first time 6 weeks prior.

and then we get a scene of bree in a manic state rapidly working on costumes as “my body’s made of crushed little stars” by mitski plays. this scene is directly inspired by me in what i believe to be a manic episode staying up until 5am writing because i thought that if i stopped i would forget everything that i was thinking and never write anything good again. fun times. but also just the fast pace of the song and the very depressing lyrics and the whole “i’m not doing anything” playing over bree doing So Many Things…..

we then get a lot of silence because it’s Emotion Time, but then!!!! we get a moment very pleasing to be, “unprodigal daughter” by alanis morissette playing as bree goes to buy a pregnancy test. the song itself is just one of my favourites, and it’s also about bree kinning ms frankie healy (having a “perfect” white older brother, having an intense relationship with your mother, being artistic and into english, being bisexual and just really cool), but it’s also a song about choice and the singer choosing herself and who she wants to be and having hope for the future and wanting to run away. also the line “i’d invite you but i’m busy being oppressed” once again being used in regards to a young bisexual girl of colour….. genuinely one of my favourite lines ever written. the power it has.

and then. bree finds out she’s pregnant via the tests. and “oh no!” by marina begins to play, because skam brighton is a comedy show, but also skam brighton is a show for depressed british-ish teenagers. bree copes with this Really Fucked News by deciding to go and get wasted because that’s her favourite method of dissociation. also the song is just very bree as a whole, with the wanting to change and the “i'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy” after her making fun of her cousin’s pregnancy in the first episode.

and then we get “bubblegum bitch” also by marina as bree goes out to drink. it’s there to represent how bree is trying to force herself to get into her familiar role of the fun bitchy party girl, but it’s not working because she’s just really fucked, but she’s trying her best.

BIG TW FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT

and then “you are going to hate this” by the frights plays as josh and bree dance together, and we see josh giving her more and more drinks, getting her purposefully drunk as she gives into it, wanting the release being drunk gives her, not realising that he could be doing something bad to her because she’s so distracted by a) the alcohol and b) the fact that she’s fucking pregnant and doesn’t know what to do about it.

and then we get “seventeen” by sharon van etten as josh begins to assault brianna. i first heard this song in sex education, where it played as a group of girls supported their best friend after she was sexually harrassed on the bus, and i wanted to use it here as kind of a parallel to that, but also as a reminder than bree is seventeen years old, a child, and josh knows this, purposefully got her drunk and is assaulting her, because he is a disgusting human being.

episode seven

we open with “interlude iii” by tessa violet, as bree wakes up and leaves josh’s bed again, a parallel to the first clip of the season, but this time we saw the before that presumably happened. it’s just a really pretty song that vibes with the lonely emptiness of the scene.

and then we get “the ballad of mona lisa” by panic! at the disco as bree walks into school. it’s just a really vibey bree song, and the whole “i’d pay to see you frown” line is just about the always masking around people and never showing your real emotions. 

we then get “out tonight” from rent, but the movie version, purely because i just prefer the music production on that version. it just slaps. also, i just used this scene to talk about my love for my interpretation of mimi marquez. she’s just a teenager with a lot of problems who needs proper professional medical help, very much like bree. also, i have always seen “out tonight” as mimi having a manic episode and using the number as a distraction from her actual problems (literally what bree is doing) and i love her. (also the scene of bree watching the scene from the movie and having gay panic is just an Iconic moment)

we then get “funeral” by phoebe bridgers as bree lies in bed, deeply depressed and barely able to move. it’s just about a beautiful and deeply sad song. like all of the lines just vibe really hard with bree and the deep loneliness and emptiness of the song, and the underlying panic really outline bree’s actual emotional state.

and we end with the titular song of the episode, “will i?” from rent. i chose this song because, despite it being very repetitive, it’s always been deeply meaningful to me. and the only lines being “will i lose my dignity / will someone care / will i wake tomorrow / from this nightmare?” playing after bree talked about having to deal with her pregnancy, and following the dream imagery used in funeral, because all of the music Is connected…….. quite genuinely one of my favourite moments, because it’s so understated

episode eight

we begin the music of this episode with “everything i own” by the front bottoms - just a really fucking sad song for a really fucking sad time in bree’s life. with like like “just try to appreciate what you got while you got it” and “sometimes i don't feel like singing / i don't really like these songs / sometimes i don't feel like dancing / dj please, don't turn the beat on / let's keep it quiet, keep me honest, keep me true” just really vibing with her.

and then we get “even my dog” by kathryn gallagher, another one of my personal favourite songs, as bree walks through the hospital. first of all, kathryn gallagher’s character in jagged little pill, bella, does parallel bree quite a lot - being from a poor family, being talented at art, being slut-shamed by her school and dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted. the song itself has lyrics describing depression, with lines like “i don’t know how i’m gonna get better / i just know that i’m supposed to / i don’t know how i’m gonna get better / but i’ll tell you i’m good ‘til i believe it too” and “everybody wants me to be happy / everybody wants me to be” and “i can feel it / the life i knew before you / it’s beautiful to be so naive” which i feel just Really fit bree and her situation

then we get a little bit of “musetta’s waltz” played by james, because it’s a rent thing, and rori sings a bit of “over the moon” because it’s a maureen song and i just wanted to include it for a little bit of fun in the hell week

and then. oh and then. we get the funeral scene from rent and “i’ll cover you (reprise)” performed by milo and everyone else. the reason i chose this song is because a) it’s one of the most beautiful and heart wrenching songs in musical theatre canon, and b) i wanted to use the imagery of a funeral to show bree quietly making the decision in her head to go through with the abortion, even though she has many doubts. and the line “a new lease you were, my love / on life” is about the baby bree might have had may be being her ticket to a new life, the way she was for her mother, but bree knows that’s not what she wants and not what she can handle right now. and the moment bree finally break is the climax of the song, the moment death is said out in the open “when your heart has expired”. she hears that, is struck by the reality of what she wants to do, and just runs because it’s a lot for any person, let alone a seventeen year old, to handle.

and then we get the girl squad picking bree off the ground, quite literally, and helping her go to the doctor, all of them together, as “sign of the times” by harry styles played. all of the girls are involved, organising rides and where to go and comforting bree, and al’s staying behind, doing ground control at the rehearsal, because al and bree are siblings and they love each other god damn it. ans the song itself is just. simply epic. and the lines “you look pretty good down here / but you ain't really good” really get to where bree is in regards to her self image and it’s about her finally opening up and accepting help and doing what’s right and good for her, not being self destructive or doing things for someone else.

episode nine

we open with a slowed down piano cover of “knee socks” by the arctic monkeys, simply because i liked the sound of it and it’s a quintessential sad british time, but it’s also about girls being pretty.

and then we get one of my favourite songs from rent being sung by bree, “without you”. it’s a genuinely beautiful song about addiction and the struggles that people can go through with it. the song has a double meaning to bree, as she’s been struggling with her alcohol abuse problems recently and going clean, but the song is also about bree imagining life without her hypothetical child. “but i die / without you” is how bree is seeing it, still thinking she’ll be rejected by her mother, and partially by god, if she goes through with it, but the song goes on. she knows the world will go on without her child, but she’s unsure of how she’s going to be after the child is gone. (we also see james come in and sing too, as he plays roger, but him singing is also a reference to him dealing with his own addiction, as mentioned before in this season, to nicotine).

we then get “you gotta be" by des'ree playing as we go from bree getting herself together after josh gets fired to bree and her mother sitting together and watching ladybird. i wanted ladybird to be playing because it’s a very bree movie, in my opinion, and the “give me a number” scene playing is a really good feel, for me, of what it’s like to be a working class child and feeling the need to pay back your parents, which is something bree also feels immensely. and the song has lyrics such as “challenge what the future holds / try and keep your head up to the sky / lovers, they may cause you tears / go ahead release your fears” and “stand up and be counted / don't be ashamed to cry” and “you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger / you gotta be cool, you gotta be calm / you gotta stay together / all i know, all i know, love will save the day”, which just really vibe with where bree is in this scene, trying to figure out all the things she has to be and can be and the whole thing about standing up is just very bree, because, despite us seeing her insecurities and weaknesses, she’s always been a confident person 

and then we get a scene that i wrote just to make myself cry. bree gets her hair cut by her mother after deeply connecting to her as “slipping through my fingers” by abba plays. it’s a song about a mother watching her daughter grow up and trying to stay close to her despite her always growing and changing, which is how i see audrey. she’s a woman full of love and she will do anything to support her daughter and make her happy, and it took bree until now to see it. and then we see bree’s hair literally slipping through audrey’s fingers, because haircuts are often used as a way to regain control over one’s life, and i’ve used bree’s hair throughout this season as a way to represent her trauma. when she gets morning sickness, she throws up in her hair. josh pulls on her hair when he assaults her. her cutting her hair off is a metaphor for her cutting off her trauma, but then from the hair cutting we transition to:

the abortion clinic, where “soon you’ll get better” by taylor swift and the chicks is playing. a song where a daughter sings to her mother to get better, and we see a mother supporting her daughter as she gets ready to go through surgery. the song itself, though, feels more about bree’s mental health than her physical state. she knows that through this surgery, she will ultimately end up better, but it’s going to take a lot of time.

and then as bree and audrey sit at home, they watch another movie: this time “grease”, representing bree’s desire to get back to her younger, happier self.

and then. we get “wake up” by alanis morrissette as bree gets ready for the rally in support of sexual assault survivors. a song, when used in the jlp musical, is used to talk about how it’s easier to not stand up and speak out against sexual assault. with the line “it’s so much easier not to / and what goes around never comes around to you” being used in regards to the cishet abled white man who will never get back all of the harm he puts out into the world, but we see bree reclaiming the song and her own body, putting on makeup in a way that makes her happy and marching out to the streets as it plays, focusing on her and only her

episode ten

WE OPEN WITH!!!! a moment most pleasing to me - “i did something bad” by taylor swift playing as the girl squad slow mo down the street together, a united front. i chose this song because it’s literally about society saying a woman did something bad, but she doesn’t give a fuck and wishes that she could do it again, which is how bree feels about fucking up a rapist’s life. also, once again, bree rolling a nat 20 on her deception roll as she gets proof of josh having the pictures of her on his phone by pretending to be the manic pixie damsel in distress josh wanted….. and we also get josh using the term “witch hunt”, the same phrase bryan used when he went off on bree, to show that they’re both the same character archetype, but in different flavours (bryan coming in asshole jock and josh coming in adult man incel).

(note: i also wanted to include the girl squad in this scene, because in the og when noora when to go meet nikolai on her own i was just. So Scared for her because she had No One. also, fun fact, i included the fact that the squad call nick “nickolai” as a nickname in season 2 so maybe there would be a theory that he would be nikolai, but i was just playing 4d chess with myself and he’s just a nice guy)

and then we get “seasons of love” from rent, which is, yes, a basic theatre song, but you can’t deny how good it is. and the whole “minute” thing in it lining up with the “minute by minute” iconic skam speech, and we get annabell on the big soloist lines because they’re the person who also heard the “minute by minute” speech before from the same place as bree, because it was said in their group therapy…. and it also parallels “i’ll cover you (reprise)” with them all standing in a line, but this time bree stays because it’s about love and being supported by your friends and not being sure if you’re okay, but knowing there’s always a safe place for you to go where you’re loved.

(also, we get a throwback joke of sandy, once again, being surprised by how strangely sexual all of these musicals are. i love her so so much)

and then!!!!! we end the episode with rori and bree confessing their feelings for each other and kissing for real for the first time, and it ends with “dress” by taylor swift playing. literally just the most homoerotic song, and the whole “i don’t want you like a best friend” line…… they deserve to be in love with each other and i have been building up to them finally admitting it for four seasons. literally the longest slow burn i’ve ever written. 

episode eleven

WE! OPEN! WITH! “watch you sleep” by girl in red, a song i discovered in 2018 and wanted to save for a good moment, and then the whole “do you listen to girl in red” thing exploded, so. (james from derry girls voice) i support wlw, though i myself am not wlw. also it’s just a really sweet song that i like a lot. and we’ve seen bree wake up a lot at the beginning of episodes, and we see her wake up from a nightmare this time, and she calms down instantly when she realises she’s home and with rori…..

and then we get a moment MOST PLEASING to me!!!! we have canon swiftie alistair fletcher streaming “daylight” by taylor swift in the bathroom as bree and rori wait for him to be done. and then they start to dance together to it, with them referencing rent before they start dancing, and rori begins to sing along because rori, as a character, has such “lover” energy. and we get rori singing “i once believed love would be black and white”, which is a reference to her and james’s relationship, with her thinking it would be simple and easy, and then “i once believed love would be burning red”, with her and nick’s quick, passionate relationship “but it’s golden like daylight” and we see her and bree together, calm, best friends who are now lovers, no big dramatics, no fireworks, just two people who care so deeply about each other, holding each other, having seen each other at their worst and still adoring them with every part of their being. and we get the “you’re so pretty”, “no, you”, “no, us” exchange, which is just saying “stop comparing yourself to other girls, just be in love with them and yourself”

and then we get “number one fan” by muna, which is just a really fun boppy song, and just big bree core. with lines like “so i heard the bad news / nobody likes me and i'm gonna die alone / in my bedroom / looking at strangers on my telephone / well, wouldn't you? / wouldn't you like if i believed those words?” is showing her development, going from believing all of the bad shit people say about her, both online and to her face, and standing up for herself and believing in herself

(fun fact, there was originally a clip in this episode where we see bree going to the police about josh, but as i was getting closer to publishing it, i thought “fuck that, i’m not giving them any screentime”, and just gave bree some fun exposition about reporting josh to his school)

so we get “icu” by phoebe bridgers as bree’s walking down the street, just vibing, very happy because she just got her rapist expelled from his university. we get lines like: “and i get this feeling / whenever i feel good / it'll be the last time” which vibes with my perception and bree and her relationship with her mental health, which is currently, in the episode, in a good place because of goos things happening, but she knows that it’s going to come back down eventually, but she’s prepared for it now, she’s not as scared of herself anymore

then we get al’s film of the rehearsal process - which is, once again, him using art and music as a way of expressing his love - as “heroes” by david bowie plays. this is a direct reference to “the perks of being a wallflower”, a very inspiring piece of media to me, writing wise. the film that al makes is just a love letter to being teenagers and making art and noise in a world where people are constantly telling you to shut up.

and then, following two deeply philosophical speeches i wrote at 3am one night, we get the last 15 minutes of act one of a musical because it’s my show!!!!!! and if i want to have a character yell about love and then sing a song i can!!!!!

we begin with “la vie boheme”, the iconic act one closer of rent. quite genuinely, this song has the same meaning here as it does in rent, only with the added layer of “this is the last clip, so we’re just all having a fun happy ending” on it, so i’m just gonna be talking about my favourite fun parts of it.

we got al and bree sharing a laugh as al sings “not to mention, of course / hating dear old mom and dad”; we got al high-fiving jake as he talks about “fruits”, because they’re both gay; we got one of my favourite lines: “to being an us for once instead of a them”; we got milo and bree messing around because i love their friendship; we got bree and nick singing a verse together; we got al making it canon that mark cohen gets pegged with the “mucho masturbation” line; we get rori making eye contact with bree while she kisses another girl, because we love a call your girlfriend reference and we love her character development; we get james finally perfecting “musetta’s waltz”

and then we get “i should tell you”, a song i hated upon first watch of rent, but now i love it so so much. while james and bree are singing it together as roger and mimi, bree is very much dedicating the song to rori, because it’s a song about being scared of starting a relationship but doing it anyway because you’re learning to trust the other person. we also see audrey and patrick in the audience, both so happy and supportive of their children, because i love them so much. i love all of the parents, but audrey is definitely my personal favourite so fa.

and then!!!! we begin “la vie boheme b”, literally one of the biggest bangers of musical theatre history. 

we get rori singing the first fast verse, literally raising a middle finger to the idea of perfection and eating disorders, because while those ideas may be a part of her life, she’s happy to say “fuck you” to them; we get nick voguing to the camera as he sings his fast verse, goofing around like usual; and then we get milo yelling out their verse to the audience, serious, because they genuinely believe in the words they’re saying

then we get the cast all yelling out their lgbt identity in the form of a reclaimed slur. i also changed this part of the show because there’s two terms referring to lesbians in the song and i wanted to a reference just for bisexual people. 

then we begin to shift all focus away from bree and her story, beginning to move onto nick, as he and james dance together as al yells out the title line of the episode: “the opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation”. and i decided to edit the closing monologue because i felt that it placed too much focus on roger and mimi’s romance and wanted to end the season with a focus on revolution and positive social change, ending with the line: “the riot goes on and on and on and on…”

and then we end the season with the line “we will now take a short intermission” as nick looks into the camera, because it’s time for a break between seasons babey!

and that’s another well over 10k essay on my music choices!!!!! also, as of writing this, i have officially finished production on skambr season 5!!!! i’m way ahead of schedule, which is really good for me, and the trailer will be coming out in about a month’s time!!!! until then, thank you for reading my infodump <3

[butcanijustnot]

Baby Spider (Natasha x Fem!Reader)

Author: Crystalline / @butcanijustnot

Fandom: Marvel x reader, Avengers x reader, Natasha x reader

Tagging: @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69 Here is your fic. It is little and broken, but still good. ALSO IM SORRY FOR THE ENDING I HATE MYSELF TOO FOR WRITING IT.

Summary: You and Natasha have been using IVF to try for a baby, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Finally, you get pregnant. Then you lose her.

Word Count: 1400 words

Warnings: ENDGAME SPOILERS, A gay fanfic, mentions of multiple failed IVF treatments, ANGST. SO MUCH ANGST. I HATE MY HANDS FOR CREATING THIS.

These ten minutes was the longest ten minutes of your life. Granted, it wasn’t the first time, but it never got any easier. Every time you would find yourself pacing the length of the bathroom, arms crossed defensively over your chest and your mind whirring a thousand miles a minute.

Quick, rapid fire anxious thoughts shot through your head as you looked over at the pregnancy test sitting face down on the counter.

Would Natasha leave you if you couldn’t give her a child? No, that was ridiculous. Was it? What WOULD happen if it was negative? Was something wrong with you? What if it was positive? Having a child was all the two of you had wanted for years, but were you really ready? You breathed out shakily, swallowed and braced yourself against the wall, feeling your body shake involuntarily.

Natasha knocked on the door directly across from you, breaking you from your thoughts. “Y/N? How are you doing in there?” She asked, the aura of unsurety present in her voice too.

It took you a second to find your voice and you turned to face the doorway and slid down the wall until you were sitting with your knees pressed up against your chest. “Yes, yes, I’m okay. Just… nervous. That’s all.” You answered, rubbing your eyes as you felt tears well up in them.

“Understandable. I’m nervous too.” She admitted; her voice distorted by the wooden panel in between the two of you. For some reason that reassured you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything else in response, so you just hummed.

This was your fourth cycle of IVF treatment, and much as you were unwilling to admit it, you were beginning to lose hope. You felt like something was wrong with you, why couldn’t you conceive a child?

Nat had been a rock through-out, however. She’d never once doubted that you two would one day become parents. She was optimistic, she had to be, this was her only chance at becoming a blood mother, and you loved her even more for it.

You phone timer chimed on the counter, sitting next to the pregnancy test. You groaned and shoved your head in between your legs, turning yourself into a ball and trying to block the rest of the world out for a minute, or even a second longer. Finally, you pushed yourself up off the floor with a groan.

“Showtime?” Nat asked.

“Yeah, Showtime.” You said under your breath, your hand shaking as you reached for your phone to switch it off. Next was, well, the test. You swallowed and hesitantly reached out, taking the test and flipping it over. Time froze.

Two pink lines.

Two pink lines.

Two. Pink. Lines.

You had to mentally recalculate for a second. One, two, yeah, that’s two. You grabbed the box and read the instructions. Two lines indicate pregnancy. And that means…

It worked. You’re pregnant. You and Nat are pregnant.

“Nat!!!” You shrieked, rushing to the door so fast that your legs temporarily malfunctioned, and flung the door open, shoving the pregnancy test inches from the redhead’s face.

“What is- Oh god, Y/N! Stop! You peed on that!” Natasha said, biting back laughter as she jerked away and grabbed the pregnancy test off of you. Her eyes widened as she saw the result, and her face broke out into the biggest smile that matches your own.

“We’re going to have a baby.” She whispered.

“A little baby spider.” You said, nodding and placing your hands on your stomach. She snorted but dropped to her knees none-the-less to face your stomach.

“Hey sweetheart.” She whispered. “Your mother and I can’t wait to meet you. I am going to love you so damn much. You’re going to be beautiful, and powerful, just like your mother,” She promised, pressing a kiss to your clothed stomach.

“And you’ll have a fighter’s instinct and a hero’s conscience, just like your mom.” You added.

Nat blushed softly pressed her cheek to your belly, almost as if she was listening for something. “and you’re going to have to many Aunts and Uncles who are going to love you and protect you.”

“Oh my god, our kid is going to know the avengers personally.” You murmured, a good brand of realisation dawning on you. “Tony’s going to dote on them so much. He’s will probably make them a whole high-tech spider suit before they’re three, and then Shuri will make a better one out of sheer spite.”

Natasha laughed softly against your stomach, letting her eyes fall closed. Suddenly, her eyes flew open and she jolted to her feet. “I have to make you a doctor’s appointment!” She exclaimed, picking up her phone and dialling numbers. “And you have to take another pregnancy test, just to be certain!” She looked around; mama bird mode engaged. “We don’t have any more here, you’ll have to go to the chemist. Wait, no! I should go! You’re pregnant!” She looked away from her phone and back up at you. “Do you know if Stephen Strange is an actual doctor, or is that just like ‘Spider-man’?” She asked.

You grasped her shoulders to steady her. “Nat, Nat. It’s okay. We’ll have time for all of that later, I promise. Neither of us are going anywhere.” You said, smiling reassuringly. “Let’s just enjoy this moment. It’s all we’ve wanted for years.”

Nat took a deep breath and smiled, nodding. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Nat.”

~~~~~~~~

Wanda found you sitting at the edge of the lake, watching the world pass you by. You had barely said a word all of Tony’s funeral, a few choice words with Clint, a murmur to Wanda herself, a timed condolence to Pepper and then you were gone. You had turned into a shadow of your former self, and even those who did not know you well commented on it. It wasn’t your fault, you felt empty, as if you had lost part of yourself, your other half, and you knew you would never be the same.

“Y/N?” She called. Instantly you snapped from your daze, wiping your eyes of the fresh, salty tears.

“Yes, Wanda?” You called back, voice cracking with pain.

“What are you doing out here? Everyone’s inside.” She asked.

“Too many people. Too many questions. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I needed to get away.” You tried to explain through the least amount of words possible. You didn’t want to talk. You didn’t want to be here. You wanted to be with Nat, back home, in your old life with your daughter but it wasn’t possible and it never would be again.

“I understand. Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.

The word ‘no’ caught on the tip of your tongue, perhaps because, in fact, you did. You wanted to talk about it but you didn’t want to talk about it. Both of you sat in silence for a minute, staring out at the water. You wanted to say so much and nothing at all, all at once.

“They never even held a funeral for her.” You finally said, finally breaking down into full on sobs. “I never even got to say goodbye.”

“Oh, Y/N, that’s not your fault.” Wanda said, reaching over to wrap her arms around you. “She knows you love her. She knows you do. Of course, she does.” She whispered reassuringly. Her head moved and you heard footsteps behind you. “Come here.” Wanda said, gesturing whoever it was forwards. You looked up and saw your daughter, Nia, walking slowly towards you. She was in her ruby red dress, perhaps Ill-suited for iron man’s funeral, but when you asked why she was wearing it, she said it reminded her of her mom, so you let her wear it regardless. You hastily tried to pull yourself together for her.

“Are you okay, mom?” She asked.

“No, but I will be, Come here.” You said truthfully, drying your eyes on your sleeve for the thousandth time and gesturing her to come closer. When she did, you enveloped her in a soft hug, smoothing down her hair.

“Is mama gone?” She asked, softly, clearly trying not to cry herself.

“Yes.” You said, choking back another set of sobs, trying to be strong for the sake of your daughter. “But she’s watching over us, you know?”

“Really?” She mumbled.

“Yes. She loved you so much Nia, and she always will, no matter where she is.” You promised.

“Thanks, mom.” She said, hugging you tighter and tighter with every breath.

I’ll look after her Nat, you thought, looking out at the water. I promise.

[someoneasgoodasyou]

mifflin and houghton!

(From this writing meme. Askbox here if you want to ask more from this meme!)

mifflin: what do you feel is your strong suit in writing?

Hmmmm. This is a weirdly hard one. Like, my instinct is to be like “Nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!” but we all know that’s not true. Ugh, saying nice things about myself, how dare you make me do this.

I guess... I think my strong suit is resolving emotional hurt/comfort? Like, I strongly believe that in order to satisfy a reader’s emotional journey as they read my fic or whatever, the happy at the end needs to be equal to the angst throughout the rest of the fic. And I feel like a lot of endings with emotional hurt/comfort are... lackluster?

it feels, to me, like people have fallen to the dumb idea that an ending can’t be too happy or it’s not ~realistic~. And I get that other people may read fics for different reasons than I do. But, idk. Since the early 2010s there’s been a push for fic to be more “realistic”. I mean, who remembers the epic condom wank that has resulted in everyone mentioning condoms being put on in sex scenes? Regardless of if it’s going to interrupt the flow? Or the one about “depression doesn’t work like that” where people were objecting to depression being hugged away.

I get the impulse behind this, and even agree with it, but, like all writing advice, it’s been watered down and generalized and applied so strictly that it doesn’t make for as enjoyable fic anymore. Kind of like “Kill your darlings” and such.

Like, do I miss the overt homophobia of fic in the 00s and before? Especially the “we’re not gay we just love each other” trope? Do I miss the rampant misogyny and how canon love interests were treated? Absolutely fucking not.

Do I miss not having to put a disclaimer in the fic itself that “I know depression doesn’t work this way”? Absolutely. The entire point of fic, for me, is to be cathartic wish fulfillment. Yeah, you can’t love mental illness away, but wouldn’t it be great if you could? You can’t fix everything with a hug, but how cool would it be if it did work that way?

Anyway, I have gotten off track. My point is, I read fic for the happy ending. If I wanted to be sad I would read the news. And I feel like that is what I’m good at. Giving characters a happy ending that is equal to if not greater than all the angst and emotional hurt/comfort they’ve had to go through to get there.

Anyway.

houghton: what’s something you love that people compliment your pieces on?

I would die for anyone who mentions that they noticed the foreshadowing. For anyone who notices the clever turns of phrase I put in. For people who notice the small stuff.

Like, if you mention something like that, I remember your comment for as long as my ADHD brain allows. And after I’ve forgotten the comment, I’m still like “idky but I love this person” when I see your username. The easiest way to make me become a rabid fan of yours is to say “Oh I loved it when you hinted at X happening earlier!” or “This particular line is going to stay with me forever” or things like that.

Do you need me to bury a body? I will absolutely come help if you’ve told me what your fave line is and it matches up with mine. Need me to make an enemy’s life a living hell? I am down for that if you mentioned you noticed all the little hints I put in of what’s to come.

Like, guess what! Being able to guess the ending is a good thing! That means the writer is doing their job correctly and leading you down the path with a steady hand.

[Insert another massive rant about spoiler culture, the idea that guessing an ending means the writer is bad, and tropes being a terrible thing to have in your work.]

So, yeah. Aren’t you glad you asked for those two?

[ashthatdrmmrgrl]

ANSWER ALL THEM YOU BITCH👩‍💻🤪

Ooh she's getting fiesty 😈😂 here you are, love ❤

1. What is your preferred place to write?

Laptop/computer, but since I dont have either anymore, my phone is my go to

2. When did you start writing?

I think it was 8th grade offically; my english teacher got me into reading and writing so that was the 2013/2014 school year I think

3. Favourite thing to write?

Idk, I like writing gay smut if that counts for something 🤷‍♀️

4. Fluff or angst?

I'm good at writing fluff but I love reading angsty stuff

6. Where do you usually find inspiration?

Ideas come to me in dreams, otherwise if I'm watching a movie/TV, listening to music, or just seeing something during the day will spark something.

7. Do you listen to music to help you write?

Yes! I would get soooo distracted if I didn't; that way I dont hear anything outside my head and I can focus on my writing (I'm listening to music now as I'm answering these too actually 😂)

8. What's the biggest "challenge" for you as a writer?

Finding time to write at all; I've got so many ideas bopping around in my head but life gets in the way 😭😭

9. Where do you usually go to write?

My room usually; it gives me privacy and a lot less distractions than my living room or outside the house.

10. Can you give us a sneak peek at your current WIP?

Yes!! I love this scene so much so you get to read it again;

My phone buzzed in my hands and I look down to see Sofia's face smiling at me. I pause my music and pull my earbuds out. 

"The Kid's calling," I say aloud before answering. "Hey, Fi!" 

"Hey yourself, is Steve available? I've got history questions that I need help with and he's not answering his phone."

I roll my eyes but put the phone on speaker. "Steve, Fi needs help with her homework."

"What's up, kiddo?" Steve asks, keeping his eyes on the road. 

"Stupid history homework; about the Commandos and I thought, 'what better way to finish this then get it straight from the source, old man," Sofia says. Sam lets out a small laugh and Bucky shifts awkwardly beside me. 

"Alright, shoot," Steve says with a shake of his head. 

"Original 7 members? I only know 3 of them off hand," Sofia starts.

"Easy, Me, Buck, Dum Dum, Morita, Jones, Monty, and Frenchy," Steve says casually. There's a pause before Sofia's sigh echoes through the car. 

"I don't think my teacher would appreciate it if I put their names in as if we were best friends," Sofia says offhandedly.

Steve cleats his throat awkwardly. "Right. Uh, Steve Rogers, James Barnes, Timothy Dugan, Jim Morita, Gabriel Jones, James Montgomery Falsworth, and Jacques Dernier," Steve reiterates after Sofia's let's out little "uh huhs."

"Why were the Howling Commandos formed?" Sofia asks next. 

"To eliminate and wipe HYDRA bases off the map; although it seems we weren't very successful," Steve says with a frown and I see his eyes flash towards the rear view mirror, to look at Bucky, I'm assuming.

"Who did the Commandos capture during a raid in the Alps?" 

"Arnim Zola." 

There was a pause and I couldn't help but look over at Bucky who almost looked startled that he had spoken.

"Who was that?" Sofia asks a moment later. 

"Oh, uh, Sofia, that was Bucky," I say, my voice cracking at his name. Sofia stays quiet. I check my phone and see the phone was still connected. 

"Bucky?" Sofia asks, sounding doubtful.  "As in Stevie's Bucky?" 

I feel Bucky almost stiffen in surprise next to me. "Yeah, that would be him," I confirm. 

Sofia stays quiet for a few beats again before clearing her throat. "Right, well when do you think you guys are gonna be home? I hate all of this cooking I've gotta do now that you guys are gone, not that either of you were chef's," Sofia complains. 

"I'm not sure, kiddo," Steve chirps from in front of me. I lean my elbows onto the front seat and rest my head near his shoulder. "We've got something really important to take care of." 

"Okay, well stay safe, and don't do anything stupid; Sam, keep them in line," Sofia says with a laugh.

"Will do, Half Pint," Sam promises.

"Well, I'll talk to you guys later. And it was nice to meet you Bucky," she says. 

Bucky doesn't respond, but the rest of us say goodbye before I hang up. 

"Thanks, Steve," I say, clapping my hands over Steve's shoulders. 

"Anytime; I don't mind helping the kid out," Steve says. 

I ruffle Steve's hair before leaning back and laughing. Bucky was looking between Steve and I with confusion written all over his face.

"So the kid?" Bucky asks, his eyes resting on Steve for a moment before looking at me.

"Yeah, she's great," Steve says excitedly and flashes Bucky a smile. 

"She's my sister," I say and look down to see Sofia had texted me. 

I forgot to ask while on the phone but could you ask Steve if I can look through some of his stuff that the museum let him have back?

"Hey Steve, can she look through the stuff the Smithsonian gave back to you? She didn't say what for though," I ask. 

"Yeah, no problem, tell her I've got stuff in the chest at the end of the bed."

"Cool cool, thanks," I say and pass the information onto Sofia. 

"Not a problem," Steve says as he takes the off ramp and turns left. "Sharon's just up here," he points out a black car that was pulled over under the bridge. 

Steve pulls over and ducks out of the car and greets Sharon with a smile. 

Bucky sits up and looks out the front window, eyes flickering across the background, scanning the surrounding area. Bucky's knees hit the back of Sam's seat and he glares at the back of Sam's head. 

"Can you move your seat up?" He asks for probably the 100th time this trip, sounding bored.

"No," Sam replies once again. 

I roll my eyes and squish myself against the window. "Scoot over here more," I offer, pointing towards the leg room that I've got behind Steve's seat. 

"Thanks," Bucky mumbles and scoots over so his arm is pressed against mine. It was quiet while we watched Steve and Sharon talk as she popped her trunk. "So," Bucky starts quietly, trying to exclude Sam from the conversation. "How long have you and Steve been together?" 

Sam, of course, hears and snorts out a laugh, having to hold onto the door for support. 

I felt my face flush and I reach over the seat to smack Sam across the side of his head. "Shut up, bird brain. Steve and I aren't together though," I say, turning to look at Bucky who looked embarrassed. 

"Sorry, I just assumed…" Bucky apologizes. 

"Nah, it's okay, everyone apparently thinks the same thing," I say with a shrug. "Steve's like a brother to me. Plus right now he's not swinging this way."

Bucky's eyebrows shoot up as he looks at me with wide eyes. "So like, he's..?"

"Gay? Yeah, basically. He still likes women, but he's actually with my brother, Graham," I say, pulling up a picture of Graham, Steve, Sofia, and I on my phone. Tony insisted on us having more family pictures even though we were the least conventional family on the planet.

"So being… a homosexual," Bucky says, almost sounding like the term was weird coming off his tongue. "That's openly okay now? I don't mind, but the 30s really pressed people down, so I didn't think Steve… at least I think, from what I remember," Bucky trails off and looks out to see Steve giving Sharon a hug before grabbing the gear from the trunk. 

"He was hard on himself at first," I say, remembering how weird Steve would act whenever Graham would say something to try and test the waters. "I think knowing and befriending Graham really helped him a lot, seeing that it's not a mental illness, that you wouldn't be imprisoned or institutionalized for it."

Bucky still looks at Steve, but there was a small smile crooked at the corner of his mouth and his eyes seemed fond. 

"I'm happy for him," is all Bucky says in reply.  

"So am I," I say, patting Bucky's forearm with my hand. "So am I." 

11. How many stories have you written so far?

Well I've only ever completed 1, (excluding oneshots) but I've got... at leave 7 going, a few that I've discontinued, and a shit ton of ideas that haven't been written yet 😂

12. What's your favourite thing that you ever wrote?

Well I'm honestly so proud of my Beauty and the Beast Lashton fanfic that I wrote and the only one I've ever finished. But I'm also sooo proud of 2 WIPs that I'm writing with the lovely asker

13. How many chapters does your longest series have?

I dont have any series yet, but my longest fic has like 200,000 words and no distinctive chapters yet (writing specific scenes then gluing them together)

14. What's your favourite character/person to write for?

I only really write Lashton or Stucky but I'm my cowritten books I have an OC be with Ashton Irwin and Bucky Barnes because DAMN they are kweens

15. "OCs" or "Reader" inserts?

I personally like writing OCs but I've been getting into readers lately

16. Can you tell us anything about your current WIP?

I suppose, but asker already knows since she's helping me write it 😂 it's a Marvel fic about these two girls and their brother who lose their parents in the Battle of New York in 2012. Brother is working for Stark Industries already when Steve asks my OC to join the Avengers but my OC and her brother keep that a secret from their younger sister (my friends OC). That's enough for now tho 😘

17. How long was the longest fic you ever wrote?

Question 13 kinda answered this question but its 200,000ish and growing

18. What fandoms do you write for?

Marvel and 5sos mainly, but I used to do Supernatural back in like 2015/2016. I also dabble in Shadowhunter stuff too

19. What is/are your favourite fandom author/authors?

Well the asker is such an amazing writer I love her work, um, @Larry_Lashton on Wattpad is good, @moonstruckbucky and @sunmoonandbucky are phenomenal

20. Have you ever written an AU?

That's basically all I write; I've only got one original piece and not many are real to whatever reality.

21. What is your favourite AU trope?

I have a weakness for Professor Seb/Bucky and I love stucky (and StuckyxReaders) so if you know of any hmu 😉

22. A fanfiction trope you can't help but love?

ENEMIES TO LOVERS FUCK

23. For how long have you been a fandom writer?

Shortly after I started writing, so like 2015?

24. Have you ever had an idea for a story and forgot about it?

Absolutely! I usually loosely plot out the whole thing and try and hit the main points but by like... 1/4 or 1/2 way through depending on how long it is I'm like fuck I totally forgot I was going to add that (and by then it wouldn't make sense to add it in)

25. What do you do to motivate yourself to write?

Listen to music, but I also read what I've got to help myself get back into the flow of the story.

26. How did you find out you like to write?

Like I said it was 8th grade and my english teacher showed me this new side of reading that I didnt know about and then I was like fuck I can do this too!

27. Are there any writers (fanfiction writers or not) that have inspired you to start writing?

Well I used to only read the Twilight series, but then I read Cassandra Clare's books, and the it sorta branched out from there, so Stephanie Meyer and Cassandra Clare are who you should thank for that 😂

28. What's your favourite fandom to write for?

Does Stucky count as it's own fandom? Because that ship sails itself man #ExceptEndgame #FuckingSucked

29. Describe your style in three words.

Um... smutty... gay.... fluffy?

30. What would you say is the most "famous" fic you've ever written?

Well I've got one on Wattpad with almost 20k but it's a continuation of a story that has like 300k, otherwise most of my other ones on there have 4k actually.

31. Blurbs or drabbles?

Both are great, dudes 🤷‍♀️

32. Have you ever written smut?

33. How long does it usually take you to write?

Used to be I could get like 20 chapters (decently long ones too) in about 8 months but now I'm not really posting anything and I'm slowly working on a current WIP

34. What's your favourite font to use when writing?

Ariel, size 11, 1.15 line spacing. Veranda is a nice font too though

35. What do you prefer to write: longer or shorter fics?

I like long ones man; but I either write forever long ones or oneshots 😂

36. How do you keep yourself inspired? Seeing new things, listening to new music. Sleeping?

37. Have you ever written something you didn't like but posted it anyway?

I don't think so. I mean I've posted stuff that I wasn't excited about, but I don't think I've ever hated anything I've written

38. What's your "strong suit" as a writer?

My OCD with punctuation and formatting?

39. What's your favourite trope?

Friends who are oblivious to the other persons feelings so they dont ever make a move until they're drunk 🤷‍♀️ *40s Stucky bonus*

40. How many likes does your fics usually get?

300 for 4k reads on Wattpad

41. Have you ever used a prompt?

Absolutely! Sometimes you just need a little help and there ain't nothing wrong with that!

42. What is your weakness as a writer?

I am obsessed with the small details that nobody cares about (especially height comparisons) but I think that comes from my artistical side.

43. Have you ever cried or felt any emotion while reading something you wrote?

Oh absolutely, all the fucking time!

44. Have you ever done a collab with another writer?

Yes! Only 1 other writer who is also the asker 😘😘

45. One thing you love about fanfiction?

I think it's an amazing thing to write because people already have deep connections with the characters so you dont have to waste the first part telling their story (unless it's an AU, but even then it's totally okay to just jump right into it!)

46. What's your favourite emotion to cause your readers?

I definitely enjoy leaving them on the edge of their seats, but I also love writing fluffy scenes that make peoples hearts flutter

47. What's your favourite thing about writing?

The creativity and ability to create a reality! There's endless possibilities and that's so fascinating and amazing to me

48. Do you post your writing on other platforms? I only post on Wattpad, but I have thought about posting things on tumblr too! Thoughts?

49. What app/apps do you use to write?

Either google docs or just in Wattpad itself

50. One thing you don't like about fanfiction?

Some people get the characters totally wrong personality wise and that sorta bugs me when reading because I get confused

51. Least favourite trope?

Coffee shop AUs are a little boring unless somebody brings something new to the table (like one of them is a vampire or witch or single parent instead of just like OH this barista/customer is cute). But if I come across a coffee shop AU I'm not going to NOT read it, you know?

52. Favourite words to use when writing?

No? I mean I know everyone's writing is different and unique to the person but I don't think I have any favourites.

53. Least favourite words?

When writing straight smut I get uncomfortable with certain words people use to describe the female anatomy other then that no 🤷‍♀️

54. Do you usually like what you write?

Yeah! And if I don't, I'll change it until I like it before posting it 😂

thank you @scaryaryanna for the lovely ask and thank you to anybody who stuck around to read everything ❤❤❤❤❤

[soldier-poet-king]

OKAY SO ROCKETMAN

(this turns more into like????? my angst than actual critical thoughts on the movie, but like, that’s absolutely to no one’s surprise, but yeah be warned it’s mostly my own whining and turns into kinda dark self-pity)

it destroyed me in very much the same ways that bohemian rhapsody did (surprise surprise im a Musical Gay full of self loathing and depression)

like they’re different movies to be sure, BH was more of a biopic that featured music and rocketman definitely a musical, as in the characters broke into song and dance throughout the film

but thematically???? im a mess???? perhaps i shouldn’t be drawing comparisons between the two but like, two queer musicians who defined musical eras and played with gender presentation in ways very important to me, who dealt with substance abuse and depression, were in abusive relationships and for a time stayed in said relationships because they were afraid they were unable or undeserving to be loved?? like??? fuck that’s me

one the one hand the Predatory Gay trope can go DIE, but like, these were real life events too? and maybe it’s common because the music and movie industries are predatory regardless of sexuality, and maybe it’s because queer people are particularly vulnerably, especially if they’re not out publicly, always afraid and hiding and believing that you dont deserve love so you stick with whatever scraps of affection you can get, abusive as they might be and it’s heartbreaking bc there’s the scene where they’re in bed together and afterward he’s being held for the first time and you think maybe things are okay but it’s not

like, there’s this one scene in rocketman where he comes out to his mother and she tells him that he’s doomed to be alone and that he’ll never be loved properly, and a recurring theme was his desire for a hug, such a simple thing from a parent, and i??? thought i was gonna throw up in the theater because of it, watching p much my worst nightmare with my parents play out on screen

and yet, and yet, i am so deeply moved, because i understand it, i fear the same for myself, constantly, im already depressed, ive got incredible amounts of self loathing, i know how easy it would be for me to become an alcoholic if i were less paranoid and less careful about it and just the slightest bit more sad, 

most of all, how i KNOW i’ll never be loved properly, for so so so many reasons, im not allowed to date women however angry and reluctantly obedient i might be about that, finding a nice safe man seems impossible, let alone a nice safe man who is catholic? who *i* like? who can overlook my insecurities and appearance, my mental illnesses, my bisexuality without being a homophobic asshole? they say oh find someone who doesn’t just love you despite flaws or the things you’re insecure about, but loves you with and for them, but i know, i know in my heart that i’m so likely to settle for some scrap of affection, for someone who barely tolerates me, just because i am so desperate to be loved and so so starved for it

i hate that about myself, maybe it’s human nature, maybe it’s just me and fragile fools like me

regardless, i’m so tired

[lgbtqiahistoricalromance]

LGBTQIA+ Historical Romance Novels with...Favorite Authors

If you’ve followed the blog any length of time at all, you know I make lists based on themes, the one unifying factor being LGBTQIA+ representation that happens in historical romances. I started reading historicals when I was in middle school, because my grandmother and great-aunt would trade them with one another, and back then they were usually low on heat level. I went on to collect them myself, and still have most of those in storage, but left off for various reasons over time.

By the time I came back to it all, I’d reached well into adulthood, and had gone from thinking of myself as a female with tomboy issues to realizing I was non-binary and graysexual. I didn’t feel represented by any of the main characters in those romances I’d once read so avidly, but I still wanted history with a romantic twist. So, I started exploring.

What fits me, won’t of course fit everyone, but I’d like to recommend some of my favorite LGBTQIA+ historical romance authors that I haven’t seen on similar lists in the past, and authors I’m hoping to see more from soon...Maybe it will add to readers’ TBR lists...

Alex Beecroft - I honestly have no idea why Beecroft doesn’t make more Best Of lists. The broad range of her novel settings (from ancient Crete to 18th century Transylvania to Regency ships), the amount of research, character development, and evocative language, makes her one of my favorites. I don’t think there is anything she couldn’t write about, and do it well. For those interested, she also writes contemporaries, and fantasy. My favorites are The Reluctant Berserker (role reversals from the typical warrior and bard combo), and Labyrinth (non-binary MC and a twist on an old myth).

Erastes - One of the first LGBT historical romance authors I found, this author got started by writing Harry Potter slash fiction. Favorite by this author is Muffled Drum, because it’s a lovers-to-friends-to-lovers plotline.

Ainsley Gray - This author normally publishes under other names, but their recently released Unchained came to my attention, and kept it. If you like your Victorian romances with a darker twist, this one is for you. Hoping to see more from Gray, soon.

Eliot Greyson - I know next to nothing about this author, but their Like a Gentleman (Love in Portstmouth #1) put them on my One-to Watch radar. It’s actually a novella, but packs a lot into those few pages, and makes for an adorable read.

Jude Lucens - Lucens is new on the LGBT historical romance scene, but has already managed to give the genre representation in the forms of gay, bisexual, demisexual, and polyamorous MCs. She’s also a WOC author, and has included a biracial MC in her novella/novel pairing of Gutter Roses & Behind Closed Doors: Indecent Proposals Book One.

Katherine Marlowe - I don’t know what happened to Marlowe, but after several lovely novels, she disappeared. Still, her novels are ideal for those that like low dose homophobia in their historical romances, enjoy novels with working class MCs, and she has at least two novels with POC MCs. Favorites: A Wager of Love & The Blue Ribbon.

Farah Mendlesohn - Normally an author of fantasy and science fiction (they’ve won the coveted Hugo Award), this versatile author transported us to the Regency era with some wonderful historical detail, in the delightful and affordable f/f Spring Flowering. They are also the Managing Editor for Manifold Press, which will be returning this January, with a focus on LGBT historical romances.

KA Merikan - The pen name of a duo, their highwayman novel The Black Sheep and the Rotten Apple is one of my favorite bad boy/cinnamon roll novels ever. This pair typically writes contemporary series with motorcycle gangs, but even then they manage to bring historical ghosts and details, with their series Kings of Hell MC. The Art of Mutual Pleasure is another historical, which will amuse and educate, because it deals with the historically accurate notion of illness being brought on by the loss of male essence, and aggravated by self pollution.

Ruby Moone - If Moone writes it, I read it. Moone’s gents tend to reside in the Regency era, and have been adapting in terms of historical elements and diversity. They were some of the first non-titled MCs I read, and some have disabilities and/or cope with mental illnesses. The plots have increased in tension over time, but a mainstay of Moone’s novels is that despite laws against men being together, her MCs are often supported by those around them. There are also sometimes multiple Favorites: The Wrong Kind of Angel, The Mistletoe Kiss, & Thief of Hearts

Niamh Murphy - Looking for lesbian historicals? Murphy has you covered, with loving details, and also high adventure. Her Escape to Pirate Island is a staple of the LGBT pirate genre, and you can read a free sample on her site.

Victoria Sue - Typically Sue is known for contemporary novels and babies. That said, her Regency novels The Innocent Auction and The Innocent Betrayal are two you should try. They’ve a fair dose of angst, but they also come with some good espionage and character development.

Hayden Thorne - If YA and gothic are something you’re into, Thorne’s novels are a staple. An extremely prolific writer, she has created some of the most unique plot lines of any genre, while managing to have intriguing MCs, and representation. Favorites: Ansel of Pryor House

Leandra Vane - Normally a contemporary author and librian, Vane recently published the great historical Cast From the Earth, which takes place in America’s heartland in the 19th century. Vane is another author that uses her novels to explore with MCs that have disabilities, and this novel also delves into polyamorous love.

NR Walker - Walker is actually known for her contemporary m/m romances, and is one of the rare temp authors that I read a lot, because she includes so much research and detail. Recently, she made the leap into historicals though, with the fantastic Nova Praetorian, which takes place in ancient Rome.

Kelley York - In the past, some of you may have read York’s contemporary YA work, but she’s begun publishing about her beloved Victorian era gothic tastes, too. The Dark is the Night series is co-written with her wife, and I’ve been relishing the two novels that have come out so far. It even comes with its own artwork, and playlist.

Of course, there are the mainstays of the genre, authors that have gone above and beyond on bringing LGBTQIA+ representation to the historical romance reader: Keira Andrews, Joanna Chambers, KJ Charles, Charlie Cochrane, Bonnie Dee, Summer Devon, Jordan L Hawk, Ava March, EE Ottoman, and Cat Sebastian.

[preserving-ferretbrain]

Sarah Monette, the Victim Dilemma, the Aesthetic of Suffering and the Uncanny Valley of Arse Rape

by Wardog

Monday, 27 April 2009

Wardog fails to finish Sarah Monette's Corambis.~

Massive massive massive massive spoilers for about 1/3 of the book. Also, as the title suggests, this article is about nasty things so don’t read if you’re likely to be upset

Preramble (like a preamble but … d’you see?)

This is a bleak day indeed. I just got my hands on a copy of Corambis, the much-anticipated (by me at least) concluding part to Sarah Monette’s Doctrine of Labyrinths quartet and the truth of it is, I don’t think I can finish it.

Oh, Sarah, what happened? I do still love you, I just don’t think it’s working out.

I think it’s partially problems associated with reading through a series over a lengthy period of time. When I read Melusine, The Virtu was already out in hardback and I tore through at them enthusiastically, so drawn into the world and the characters that I barely noticed they were so heavily saturated in angst and woe that one could drown in it by simply opening the book a little recklessly. There was a bit of a wait for The Mirador – which I seem to recall I felt slightly less positively about but still adored – and I fell upon Mehitabel Parr’s I’m sure welcoming bosom to save me from the tidal waves of A&W. As much as I love Felix and Mildmay, it was Mehitabel’s narrative voice that made The Mirador bearable for me. It was such a necessary contrast to the boys: someone with some redeeming sense of self-irony, hurrah!

Of course, Mehitabel isn’t in Corambis. And, God, I miss her. There is a new viewpoint character, Kay Brightmore, blinded and imprisoned and weighed down by the terrible military failure that kicks off the book. He’s basically lost everything that ever mattered to him, can no longer fight on account of being blind and, needless to say, he has angst out the wazoo about it. I was broken and crying by Chapter three.

And, quite frankly, I just can’t take it. I know there is redemption in the future of these characters (characters I really care about, having spent three books with them), I know there is self-actualisation and the potential for happiness, I know because I cheated and looked, but I’ve really really struggled with Corambis. The worst of it is, I’m sure it will be a triumphant and satisfying conclusion to the quartet. Sarah Monette is an excellent writer, I love her world, I love the way she uses language, I love her characters, I love everything about her but I think I’m going to have to accept the fact I simply can’t read her.

Oh, Sarah, what happened? I do still love you, it’s not you, it’s me.

Maybe in a couple of years we’ll be able to work something out.

I think circumstances might be playing into this unhappy state of affairs as well. When I read the early books, there wasn’t a cloud in my sky. But having emerged from a rather bleak year, there’s something a little too close in all that guilt and grief and self-loathing and despair, and I can’t distance myself enough from it to enjoy it. There is a systematic aestheticisation of suffering to be found in all of Monette’s books. I’m not going to try and argue that as either a positive or negative quality in her work. I think it’s probably neutral: it’s

something

art

does

sometimes

. I acknowledge the difference between literary suffering and real suffering, in that there can be a romance in the former which is impossible in the latter. Also literary suffering exists in a wider, symbolic and allegorical sphere than that of an individual having shitty things done to them by life or others, mainly, I suspect, because it’s not real. Take madness – there is something deeply attractive and romantic about the artistic representation of madness (like Felix’s madness in Melusine) and it’s perfectly possible to appreciate that, and to find in it a kind of beauty, without ignoring the genuine distress suffered by the mentally ill. In short, Ophelia is not my friend who killed herself last year.

But the boundaries between the fictional and the real are not comprehensively signposted. There isn’t a traceable spectrum between Lavinia, daughter of Titus Andronicus, and Elizabeth Short. And ultimately I think there comes an impossible point when the literary and the real collide, corrupt each other and prove they are utterly irreconcilable and yet simultaneously inseparable. Yes, they must be understood as different things operating in a different way – a painting of St Sebastian is not the same as footage of the prisoners at Guantanamo bay – but there comes a point when it is necessary to remember what it is that’s being aestheticised and ask yourself why.

Page 152

Okay, so, there’s a gang-rape scene in Corambis.

Felix – former prostitute, broken gay wizard with ex-cruel master and traumatic past - ends up subjecting himself a thaumaturgic orgy in order to earn money to pay for his ailing brother’s medicine.

It’s awful.

It’s not that it’s explicit, just awful.

And I’m no wuss, okay. I’ve read Last Exit to Brooklyn. I’ve read The Wasp Factory. I’ve read American Psycho.

But something about this scene in this book bought me a first class ticket on the ARGH! Train and whizzed me straight out of my comfort zone.

It’s strange to say that something is “outside your comfort zone” in that it feels like a confession of personal failure (also something that’s outside my comfort zone). And then I thought about it more, and I thought: hey, so what, gang-rape is outside my comfort zone. Surely that’s normal. Gang-rape is absolutely something that should be outside all our comfort zones. But here’s where it gets complicated: in fact, fictional gang-rape is not outside my comfort zone. I play H-games, for God’s sake, where they’re ten a penny. You can’t take two steps in an H-game without stubbing your toe on a gang rape. So it’s something more specific than that. It was something about this particular portrayal of it.

It’s not shock value. Felix gets himself sexually abused on a pretty regular basis, so much so, in fact, that it’s kind of part of the fun, and it’s very much tied into Monette’s aesthetic of suffering.

I could not see, and I could barely hear, save for my own harsh breathing. But I could feel. I could Malkar’s hands like silk, running up and down my back, tracing the scars, the old palimpsest of pain. I could feel his body arching against me, his bulk, his heat. I felt his hands slide under my hips, stroking, exciting, felt the stiffness of him against my thigh. Pain, then, but not too much. Pain … and arousal all woven together like a tapestry. I was moaning, gasping; the only word I could form were “Please, Malkar, please, lease,” and I didn’ tknow if I was begging him to stop or continue. Not that it would made the slightest difference either way.

Let’s pin our colours to the mast here. That’s beautiful. Terrible, but beautiful and absolutely literary in its unrealness. It’s also about as accurate a portrayal of sexual abuse than St Sebastian up there is of martyrdom. Perhaps I’m just an irredeemable sicko but I’m pretty sure it’s there, to an extent, to be enjoyed, partially as spectacle (straight women do not generally write about beautiful gay boys sexing each other manipulatively because it’s a Serious Social Issue) and, also, partially as vindication for all the crappy things that have been done to innumerable female characters in a seventy years of fantasy fiction. I’m not, of course, advocating backlash (more manrape!) but there is something compelling and, even perhaps comforting, in characters like Felix, Alec and friends, these beautiful men, who are as sexually vulnerable as women, suffer and fear the sort of things women suffer and fear, and are very much created to be subjects of an extra-textual female gaze and the intra-textual male gaze. I’m not saying that men don’t get raped and looked at, but the sheer saturation is demonstrably less. I am not trying to say that what happens to Felix at the start of Melusine isn’t dreadful. It is. But it’s a literary violation, and it reduces him to a literary madness that is as terrible and as beautiful as the horror that creates it.

But let’s talk about gang rape. Now there’s something you don’t say everyday.

The scene itself written in a very similar style – opulent, not too explicit although more explicit than above, and contains the same awkward issues of dubious consent. In Melusine, Felix chooses to go to Malkar in a fit of self loathing. In Corambis he agrees theoretically to an orgy in order to raise money for Mildmay’s medical treatment. In both cases what ends up happening to him is far more devastating than what he originally signed up for but, equally, there’s an element of complicity to it. If you return to your abusive master, expect to get abused. If you agree to be the centerpiece of an orgy, expect to get fucked. This abject stupidity is granted a psychological plausibility because Felix is a messed up little bunny, with a supposedly tragic conviction of his own profound worthlessness.

Obviously I don’t want to get into real issues here, but I think the reason the dubious consent became one of the bothering aspects of the scene in Corambis is that the sex abuse came plot-approved. I mean, if Felix was walking down the street and happened to get jumped and gang raped by a bunch of guys I think many a reader might rightly cry “Sarah Monette, what the fuck?” as there are very few occasions in which it is either appropriate or necessary to get one of your characters gang raped. But this way he has a “real” reason to put himself voluntarily into a position where he might be. It’s even, perhaps, meant to be on some level noble – in a hopelessly fucked up way, of course. So what you end up with is a deeply uncomfortable situation in which everything conspires, including (conveniently) Felix himself, to create a scenario in which a horrible but beautifully written gang rape is, to an extent, okay. And this is where the aesthetic of suffering starts to come apart at the seams.

Essentially this scene falls right into the uncanny valley. If it was purely designed for titillation I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but as it is there are elements are titillation and elements of horror. We are meant to be shocked and appalled – and it is shocking and appalling – but it’s framed in such a way that we are simultaneously liberated to relish the aesthetic. And quite frankly that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think there’s something profoundly hypocritical and, indeed, deeply disturbing in the idea of enjoying both moral outrage and illicit sexual excitement (see Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse). The scene bears all the hallmarks of erotic non-con (there are elements of psychological exposure as well as physical, the victim is physically aroused throughout, the abusers are appreciative of his beauty and his apparent eagerness, and so on and so forth) but worked through a guilt-appeasing filter of “oh gosh, isn’t this terrible.”

My ankles were still chained and somebody had me scruffed like a kitten; I was keening in protest, but I was dragged upright, forced to straddle someone’s thighs, while he continued fucking me with the same relentless steadiness. I was displayed for all of them, my arousal jutting out shamelessly, the tear tracks on my face attesting to my weakness.

Now, I know that, unlike erotic non-con, Felix is not secretly into what’s being done to him and that he’s breaking and being broken here but you still have a scene that’s running in two directions simultaneously and trying to have its cake and eat it. It goes out of its way to tick the non-con wink-wink boxes but then slaps you face in the face with its insistence that this a terrible and traumatic event. Essentially you can’t have a gorgeously written gang rape that positions itself within a carefully constructed aesthetic framework and a psychologically accurate and traumatic portrait of a terrible ordeal.

And, ultimately, I guess you have to ask yourself if it’s okay to have an aesthetic gang rape scene full stop. The idea bothers me less as pornography but here, I would argue, that it gains an added erotic piquancy from the fact it really is annihilating Felix, which, again is troublesome. Essentially it’s why raping Clarissa is so much more interesting than raping Justine, and why it’s all right to get off on the latter and not the former.

The more I’ve thought about this and tried to articulate my issues with it, the more complex and convoluted it has become. There is, of course, an element of the purely personal about – I didn’t like it and it upset me – as well as these more abstract, intellectualizations of it. I dug around on Monette’s Livejournal – on which is usually charming and sensible – to see what I could find and, lo and behold, she has written quite comprehensively on the subject, which I shall now quote pretty much in its entirety:

I knew from very early on that Felix was going to turn back to prostitution to get the money for a doctor for someone he loved (I knew this was going to happen before I knew Mildmay existed), and I knew that he was going to end up in a situation that was completely out of his control and that hurt him badly. Because Felix is reckless and self-destructive and because under all his vanity, he doesn't think he's worth protecting. And because it is a kind of answering horror to his being raped by Malkar at the beginning of Mélusine. And because he needed something that would force him to confront these issues--force him to see that he doesn't deserve to be abused--and it had to be something superlatively unbearable if it was going to get through to him, because Felix has way too much experience at ignoring his own pain.

Say what? So it’s redemptive gang rape, the sort makes you a stronger and better person? What … the … fuck? It’s like those Hollywood amnesia plotlines (one blow to the head gives you amnesia, another blow cures it) except with sexual abuse. I know, again, we’re operating in a fictional sphere but this is so made of wrong that I’ll just content myself with linking to Dan’s article on

the victim dilemma

and throw my hands up in despair.

I quite enjoy Monette’s aestheticisation of suffering, I could probably navigate the uncanny valley if I really had to but I am sick to death of male fantasy writers using sexual abuse as a textual shortcut for character development and I’m damned if I’m going to deal with women doing the same thing. Sarah Monette, you are better than this.

Sexual abuse is not good for you. It happens and people react. Constantly depicting characters who react to it in courageous and life-enhancing ways is not empowering, it’s fucking demeaning to people who struggle along every day as best they can.

I’m sure in a different time in a different mood I’ll pick up Corambis again and I’ll get to page 152 and I’ll shrug and go “gang rape, meh” and read right on.

But not today.Themes:

Damage Report

,

Books

,

Sarah Monette

,

Sci-fi / Fantasy

~

bookmark this with - facebook - delicious - digg - stumbleupon - reddit

~Comments (

go to latest

)

Arthur B

at 14:44 on 2009-04-27It's depressing when series go south like this. It's especially annoying when they burn down the virtues of the earlier volumes. I was looking at your first Monette review and you were saying how you were impressed by the fact that Felix was gay, but it kind of wasn't a big deal; I'm getting the impression that as the series goes on that becomes less true, since that LJ extract makes it sounds like Monette intended all along to reduce Felix to a weepy gay man being abused by angry gay men. (If I'm interpreting that right - if Felix pimping himself out predates the existence of Mildmay, that means that Monette was planning to make this happen since before the first book, right?)

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Wardog

at 15:11 on 2009-04-27Mmm, that's part of the problem though. I don't actually think it's "gone south" - despite the Xtreme angst I was quite absorbed until page 152. It was merely that scene that tripped me out. I'm sure if I could put it behind me and just get on with the book, I'd probably really like it.

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Rude Cyrus

at 20:32 on 2009-04-27Great, now I need a shower.

While I suppose rape can be presented as being aesthetically pleasing, like in erotic non-con, I still don't like it. I've always found consenting sex between happy, willing partners infinitely more pleasurable -- don't ask me why. This sort of stuff just makes my skin crawl.

What's funny is that I can make it through The 120 Days of Sodom without blinking, but I think that's because De Sade insisted on using the driest, most tortured language possible.

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Wardog

at 21:15 on 2009-04-27Sorry Cyrus. I'm not sure but I think it's probably easier to be into erotic non-con / rape fantasy if you're a woman than a man, either because you're more likely to imagine yourself as the rapee rather than the rapist which is slightly easier to deal with morally speaking or because the world seems generally reluctant to admit that women can rape people too. Whereas if you're a man who fantasies about forcing women to have sex with him ... well ... hostility many ensue from quarters unwilling to concede the very real difference between fantasy, reality and simulated non-con.

Hmm, I think the thing about 120 Days of Sodom is that, as you say, it's incredibly dull. And de Sade is a terrible writer. There's only one thing worse than a rape scene and that's a badly written rape scene!

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Arthur B

at 21:18 on 2009-04-27I do wonder sometimes whether deSade was an early pen-and-paper troll. Most of his books seem to be the literary equivalent of telling someone a particular link goes to an interesting and thought-provoking philosophy website when actually it points to goatse or 2girls1cup.

I mean, he went to jail for it, but you have to make sacrifices for "the lulz", as I believe the young people call it these days.

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http://roisindubh211.livejournal.com/

at 02:43 on 2009-04-28"Constantly depicting characters who react to it in courageous and life-enhancing ways is not empowering, it’s fucking demeaning to people who struggle along every day as best they can."

I have to disagree here- not with the point you make, but with the accusation being levelled at Monette. Felix has spent three books getting abused and every reaction to it has been, basically, "I was right all along, I am worthless. Hmmm, should I hurt myself again or just re-alienate everyone who cares about me tonight?" The enormity of the gang-rape is something he's not prepared to consider his just desserts, and it isn't the only influence on his growth as a person. A lot has to do with having Mildmay -who has been developing his own self-confidence, on his own, without the help of shitty things happening to him- be there for him and push and push to get him (Felix) not to hurt himself any more.

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Wardog

at 09:13 on 2009-04-28

The enormity of the gang-rape is something he's not prepared to consider his just desserts, and it isn't the only influence on his growth as a person.

I do see your point and I wasn't really dissing Monette, who I actually adore. There was just something about this scene, or the way it was presented, or *something* that was a bridge too far for me. And at first I was inclined to just ignore it and tell myself to stop being a wuss and then I got interested in *why* this scene was so problematic and, secondarily, I realised that, on a wider level, it should probably be okay to stand up and say "for me, this gang rape is not okay."

I will at some point finish Corambis, because I have *hugely* enjoyed the Doctrine of Labyrinths quartet (I have some reviews knocking around here in which I give much sweet sweet love), I think I just need some time to get away from the gang rape.

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Wardog

at 09:29 on 2009-04-28

I do wonder sometimes whether deSade was an early pen-and-paper troll

Dan and I like the idea of historical trolls, and also explains the Marquis far more than most of pop-psych nonsense I've read does =P

Lucifer, of course, would be the first troll - complaining about the mods.

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http://miss-morland.livejournal.com/

at 11:54 on 2009-04-28*giggles at the thought of de Sade and Lucifer as trolls*

I haven't read Monette's books, but I still found this post very interesting - it articulates my issues with non-con and dub-con in fiction very well. (I do wonder, though, if ambiguous portrayals of rape scenes are sometimes meant to make the readers think and question their own attitudes, instead of jumping to the safe reaction of 'OMG so horrible'?)

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Dan H

at 14:25 on 2009-04-28

I do wonder, though, if ambiguous portrayals of rape scenes are sometimes meant to make the readers think and question their own attitudes, instead of jumping to the safe reaction of 'OMG so horrible'?)

You might well be right, but even if that is the intent, it's a deeply flawed one.

Perhaps I'm just an arrogant shit, but I really hate it when people try to make me think about stuff unless it's in a medium *specifically designed* for that.

If you want to challenge my preconceptions about rape, write a book that is *about* challenging my preconcieved notions about rape. Don't try to do it in the middle of a fantasy series that is mostly about hot gay wizards gettin' it on.

If I want to have my ideas about absuse challenged, I'll read Lolita, or possibly I'll track down some abuse-survivors' weblogs. I won't read an otherwise ordinary fantasy novel or, for that matter, watch

Dollhouse

.

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Dan H

at 16:05 on 2009-04-28

The enormity of the gang-rape is something he's not prepared to consider his just desserts

I can't speak for Kyra, but the problem I have with this is that it suggests, falsely, that the more traumatic an experience is the less likely you are to blame yourself for it. I'm by no means an expert on the subject of abuse survival but from my limited experience people's tendency to self-blame for things is wholly unrelated to the severity of the abuse suffered. For that matter, the whole idea of rating abuse experiences in order of severity is a bit of a dodgy precedent.

Essentially I think there's an important, and worrying, difference between "Felix has experienced things like this before but, because he has grown as a person, and because of the influence of Mildmay, he does not blame himself for this experience" and "Felix has experienced things like this before but, because this experience is so much worse than the others, he cannot blame himself for it".

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http://sistermagpie.livejournal.com/

at 21:38 on 2009-05-01I haven't read this last book yet, but I'm glad for the heads-up. Having read the other 3 I can definitely see how this kind of thing would play, and I'm not surprised that she'd planned something like this from the beginning. It does make you think thought, about the idea that this character is constantly going through situations like this, and it's finally when he acheives the kind of abuse he might have always thought would be what he deserved, that he realizes he didn't deserve it. Even if Mildmay and other experiences are also part of his turnaround, I don't know whether that kind of catalyst will click for me the way another one might.

Like, rather than having him be in a situatio that's the same as before, but with one clear difference that makes him see it clearly, it's almost like Helen Keller at the well. Repeated fingerspelling over and over and finally he gets it.

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Wardog

at 15:28 on 2009-05-11I lost this temporarily in the deluge of comments about other things.

It is possible I've over-reacted to the gang rape; I suppose responses to these sort of motifs are always going to be extremely personal. I feel almost hypocritical because, as you say, there's plenty of indication previously that we were on the Sex Abuse Superhighway and something like this was probably bound to happen. But the way it's framed and written, combinated with its narrative function as a catalyst for change really really squicked me out. I know it's not necessarily meant to be psychologically plausible but there's something deeply worrying in the idea that there is a scale of sexual abuse, the extreme end of which teaches you self respect.

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valse de la lune

at 14:04 on 2011-07-12I tracked down

this interview

and I'm now extremely, thoroughly grossed out with Sarah Monette:

I think this does happen to gay male protagonists (the most obvious example is Mercedes Lackey's Last Herald-Mage books). And I think Felix does fall into this trap to a certain extent, although in my defense I will say that the reason he gets raped is because I was interested in the tension inherent in a character who could be both rapist and victim. Which could have been a woman, or a heterosexual man, but it was most obvious and easiest to mobilize with a gay man. I also chose a gay male protagonist because my abiding interest is in the power dynamics of human relationships, especially sexual relationships, and it is VERY VERY HARD to write about that with a heterosexual female protagonist without pigeon-holing her and yourself into either a re-inscription of patriarchal gender roles (male dominant, female submissive) or a simple gender reversal (female dominant, male submissive) (which I did work with some in my novella, "A Gift of Wings," in The Queen in Winter). A lesbian relationship is also a possibility, but it's far more interesting and attention-grabbing to take power away from a man than it is to give power to a woman. [...] Also, because we live in a patriarchal society and have for several thousand years, there's nothing new or shocking about the idea that women are victims. (I'm not saying this is a good thing, mind you.) You can get more narrative charge out of victimizing a man and you aren't reinscribing the same old gender role patterns into that ever deeper groove of men act and women suffer.

What the fuck, Monette? My word, lesbian relationships aren't just ~hawt~ enough unlike slender

yaoi stereotypes

wizards sexing it up and... female empowerment is just too boring? Female victimization is just too

banal

to write about so gay men being degraded (and in this case, often raped by women) has more "narrative charge"? There's also something toward the end that basically goes "well, if you are writing about male rape it's super

titillating

shocking so people will recognize RAPE IS HORRIBLE whereas women being raped is just so

every day

so... hey, manpain! That'll get people

thinking

, right? Right!"

I don't know, all of this reads like the slash fangirl's justification why she's not interested in writing girls but wants to write hot boys instead, all disguised under a pretend layer of ~*soshul justeese*~.

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Wardog

at 23:33 on 2011-07-12Oh dear. I'm actually really annoyed with myself that it took me to Book IV to unpack what was going on with the, err, sexay mainpain and all the arse rape. I did quite like Monette initially - I think partially because when I first read Melusine I was still under the impression that gay characters were pretty rare in fantasy. To give Monette credit, when she actually bothers to be interested in them, she does write interesting female characters - I mean I *loved* Mehitabel from this series.

I think what freaks me out the most is that, as you observe, it's blatant titillation under the label of trangression. I have no problems with people getting their kicks from whatever they get their kicks from, as long as it's a carefully demarcated fantasy space, but pretending it's anything else is deeply toxic.

Also that interview was just awful :(

Maybe it's just because it doesn't apply to me but I don't understand why so many women find two dudes so unbelievably hawt but two women apparently tedious. Ho hum.

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valse de la lune

at 05:06 on 2011-07-13I think gay characters are still pretty rare in fantasy, but the gay dudes all seem to come from the same wellspring of fanfic tropes. I've read all the arguments as to why dudeslash is a female-positive space that enables women to explore their sexuality and I do get some of it, but I can't shake the feeling that so much of that is hot air; no matter how hard a slash fan argues I can't really see how spamming rape at gay dudes is particularly, y'know, feminist. Maybe it plays with power dynamics and whatnot but, on the other hand,

rape culture

.

I don't get the thing with YAY HAWT BOYS EWW GIRLS ARE BORING either, though it's been explained to me that most female characters aren't decently written so people'd sooner generate fanfic about boys instead. But that doesn't fly because fandom churns out great volumes of fanfic dedicated to minor male characters, even though some of them barely have a presence in the book/show/movie--see Figwit of the LOTR movies fame--whereas women, primary or tertiary, still get written out or villified. There are even

bingo cards

. Somewhere in that

is

a valid clause regarding how we're trained to look at media through male gateways thanks to patriarchy and we internalize that. Still don't get it on a personal level because I've always preferred female characters over male, but there it goes.

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Melissa G.

at 06:30 on 2011-07-13

Maybe it's just because it doesn't apply to me but I don't understand why so many women find two dudes so unbelievably hawt but two women apparently tedious. Ho hum.

Speaking as a straight woman who gets paid to translate yaoi, I can understand that pretty well. :-) It's not that I find girls boring as characters, but as someone who isn't sexually attracted to women, I find myself gravitating toward situations where I can look at/write about two sexy boys instead if I'm looking for smexy times. (Though I'm very, very picky these days about yaoi because of tropes I'm sure I've mentioned before.)

I feel some sympathy for Monette because I do have a hard time verbalizing my tastes without resorting to those same basic arguments about power play or feeling the need to judge the female character and how she is portrayed specifically because she's female (which I wish I didn't, but I do so...). What I find odd is the fact that everyone insists on asking me *why* I find male-on-male romance so appealing, and then I'm stuck in this hem-hawing, putting-on-airs defense because I'm too embarrassed to just go, "Two guys doing stuff to each other is hot?"

(Uh-oh, now I'm having Dorian Gray flashbacks. Oh, Ben Barnes, you scamp, you!!)

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Steve Stirling at 07:07 on 2011-07-13

I don't get the thing with YAY HAWT BOYS EWW GIRLS ARE BORING either

-- you get exactly the same in reverse from male writers a lot, so I don't see that there's any mystery about it.

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valse de la lune

at 07:20 on 2011-07-13I don't think Kyra's asking "why male-on-male?" but more "why do people find women inexplicably boring?"

but as someone who isn't sexually attracted to women, I find myself gravitating toward situations where I can look at/write about two sexy boys instead if I'm looking for smexy times.

That doesn't make sense to me because, even outside of sexual context, a lot of slashers just don't want to write women period and I'm sure we don't always only write about what's sexually/romantically attractive to us (or no straight man would ever write male characters).

It also doesn't really answer why women are so villified and hated by fandom at large: why people like Monette believe "it's more interesting to take power away from a man than to give power to a woman," or why slash is passed off as some wonderful female-positive space when it involves a lot of female-negative things, including but not limited to slut-shaming and othering women. Ogle hot boys, whatever (but even so, why so much fucking rape all the fucking time? Why the infantilizing tropes?). But I think you can do that without contributing to misogyny and rape culture.

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Steve Stirling at 07:24 on 2011-07-13

I don't think Kyra's asking "why male-on-male?" but more "why do people find women inexplicably boring?"

-- I don't. I actually had to start flipping coins at one point to make sure my characters weren't predominantly female.

Maybe it's because I was in single-sex schools for a lot of my adolescence, but I just find women more interesting than men. More complex and variable, on average.

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Steve Stirling at 07:38 on 2011-07-13

Ogle hot boys, whatever (but even so, why so much fucking rape all the fucking time? Why the infantilizing tropes?). But I think you can do that without contributing to misogyny and rape culture.

-- I don't read much (any, really) slash, but the actually-published equivalents like the book described here don't seem particularly misogynist to me. Just obsessed with Hot Boys in Chains.

As for the rape and stuff, a lot of people get off on that. Trying to tell people that the sexual fantasies which ring their chimes aren't permissible is roughly equivalent to trying to scold water until it voluntarily runs uphill. Much effort, little result.

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valse de la lune

at 07:45 on 2011-07-13

I don't. I actually had to start flipping coins at one point to make sure my characters weren't predominantly female.

Thank you, Minority Warrior, but if you are a bloke that's not exactly addressed to you.

I don't read much (any, really) slash, but the actually-published equivalents like the book described here don't seem particularly misogynist to me. Just obsessed with Hot Boys in Chains.

I've only read the first book and the gang-rape scene in the fourth, but a lot of the women in this series like to rape gay men for some strange reason.

Melusine

opens with an anecdote about the pure, true love between men. Two women get between it; one proceeds to rape one of the men repeatedly until he wants to kill himself. So, yes, both fandom slash and published slash perpetuate a lot of the same crap. Then there's Monette's interview and strange leaps of illogic which read sexist as hell to me.

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Melissa G.

at 08:48 on 2011-07-13

That doesn't make sense to me because, even outside of sexual context, a lot of slashers just don't want to write women period and I'm sure we don't always only write about what's sexually/romantically attractive to us (or no straight man would ever write male characters).

I can't speak to that. I don't know why so many writers are so anti-female characters, and it would take me pages of musing to try and come to a conclusion. I was referring specifically to sexual situations (by which I mean stories centering on sex) because the comment I was particularly responding to was "why do so many women find two dudes so unbelievably hot but two women apparently tedious". Which I read as "why do so many women love writing about two guys (sexually) but find writing about two women so boring (sexually)". Perhaps I misinterpreted what Kyra was saying. I stated clearly that I don't find women boring as characters to read and write about, but that I understand why many women gravitate toward male homosexual relationships and why they might find it arousing when they are writing merely to titillate themselves/others.

I haven't read the series in question so I take everyone's word for it that the rape isn't handled well and misogyny abounds. And trust me, I'm the first person to get fed up with the kind of tropes male-on-male stuff tends to come with - especially when written by someone who's probably never even spoken to a gay man before. I got fed up with one author in particular because her protagonists kept falling for their rapists, yuck. But just because a lot of it sucks and perpetuates some seriously shitty stuff doesn't mean that it's not okay to find guy-on-guy stuff hot. And I really don't appreciate being made to feel like because I like it, I am somehow in danger of losing my feminist card.

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valse de la lune

at 09:57 on 2011-07-13I don't think I have been suggesting that if you like slash, you're in danger of losing your feminist cred; being a feminist doesn't exactly mean everything you consume must be feminist, after all, and we all enjoy things that are problematic to some degree. I just don't like how it's put forward as a YAY WOMEN field when it's not really. Likewise, I've been shouted down in fandom spaces for calling out misogyny in slash, something along the line of

you will find it is you who is misogyny

.

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valse de la lune

at 10:06 on 2011-07-13(Sorry that I'm coming down harshly such that you feel you're being discredited as a feminist, though.)

One more thing--I've been told over and over that there is a strong presence of queer women in slash circles, so for some it's not so much a matter of "I'm straight so more cocks yay!!!" In fact, with so many queer women around--so many lesbians even--you'd think there would be more F/F fanfic. But there isn't, so...

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Melissa G.

at 10:23 on 2011-07-13

I don't think I have been suggesting that if you like slash, you're in danger of losing your feminist cred

I think I was responding defensively to this comment:

Ogle hot boys, whatever (but even so, why so much fucking rape all the fucking time? Why the infantilizing tropes?). But I think you can do that without contributing to misogyny and rape culture.

It basically felt to me like my entire sexual preference/fetish/whatever was being boiled down to "ogling hot boys". It’s those kinds of dismissive, judgmental comments that make me feel like I need to somehow justify what I find arousing. That’s why you have people arguing that it’s pro-women or empowering or whatever to write and read man-on-man love stories. When an attraction is called into question, I think often women in particular feel the need to base that attraction in something intellectual and philosophical. Because it would be wrong for a woman to just find something titillating or arousing. Because women aren’t supposed to like sex just for sex.

I think there are ways that it can be empowering (I wouldn't go so far as to say 'feminist'), but most of it fails in this regard. For me, when I read a story with a male bottom that I can relate to as far as sexual behavior, it makes me feel less weird. There's something freeing about the behavior being related to the position and not the gender, for me anyway. I think that also relates to why an author might find it more interesting (and by interesting I mean because they find it hot) to take power away from men. For some women who are attracted to men, there is something very fascinating and seductive about a man submitting (either sexually or emotionally), probably because it's something so commonly associated with female behavior. So again, it becomes less of a gender thing and more of a relationship role thing. If that makes any sense....

I just don't like how it's put forward as a YAY WOMEN field when it's not really.

I totally understand that. I actually avoid fan written slash like the plague because most of it is just not good. Most of it is (I think) influenced by yaoi, which oh dear god, has such problems. There is so much rape and questionable consent and a lot of "I'm only gay for that guy" and such overly traditional female behavior (even though one of them is male, go figure). And the kind of people you've probably argued with are likely the kind of people who make me afraid to admit I'm part of the yaoi subculture.

But there is good stuff out there. I promise. :-)

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Melissa G.

at 10:26 on 2011-07-13

One more thing--I've been told over and over that there is a strong presence of queer women in slash circles, so for some it's not so much a matter of "I'm straight so more cocks yay!!!" In fact, with so many queer women around--so many lesbians even--you'd think there would be more F/F fanfic. But there isn't, so...

Sorry, I made my long post before I saw this! That is odd. Why don't they focus on yuri? Yuri is slowly becoming a more female dominated genre. It's kind of cool actually that the female authors are slowly co-opting a genre that was once basically male-written lesbian porn for men. To each their own, I guess?

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valse de la lune

at 10:59 on 2011-07-13

It basically felt to me like my entire sexual preference/fetish/whatever was being boiled down to "ogling hot boys".

But... I said that because I think it's pretty dandy if you're just in it for the ogling of hot boys, or balls being cupped gently, or even self-lubing anuses. I don't think you, or anyone else, need to justify it any further than that. Think it's hot? Go for it! That's excellent. Objectifying

men

in and of itself, separate from the concern over straight people fetishizing homosexuality, doesn't really bother me. I'm not questioning the appeal of slash: I'm questioning some of the tropes, the homophobia, the misogyny. Which certainly aren't universal, but there sure is a lot of them to go around. Hell, gay male characters written by straight men also get raped an awful lot (hi Richard Morgan, thank you for that graphic schoolboy gang rape).

Disclosure: I think lesbians are awesome. I'd like to read more stuff with lesbian representation. Being homoromantic does have something to do with it, though.

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Melissa G.

at 11:11 on 2011-07-13

But... I said that because I think it's pretty dandy if you're just in it for the ogling of hot boys, or balls being cupped gently, or even self-lubing anuses. I don't think you, or anyone else, need to justify it any further than that.

:-) I think it just came off as hostile because of the swearing, lol. To be honest, I was probably overly defensive because it's kind of a touchy thing for me.

I'm not questioning the appeal of slash: I'm questioning some of the tropes, the homophobia, the misogyny.

Yes, I'm with you here. I have a lot of trouble with a lot of boy/boy stuff that's out there.

Re: Lesbians

If you're looking to try out some yuri, I can lead you to some scanlation sites. I haven't read much yuri so I can't totally vouch for the content, but these are sites that I know of:

Lililicious

Payapaya

Just be sure to check for ratings and such. There was one on Lilicious I read years ago that I was enjoying.

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valse de la lune

at 11:14 on 2011-07-13OMG yay :D :D :D Thanks for the links. My friend's been sending me some too. I'm also quite pleased to see that a lot of yuri writers are female. Awesome.

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Cammalot

at 15:23 on 2011-07-13I JUST WANNA WATCH DUDES EMOTE. ;-)

I actually got into yaoi (not slash for whatever reason) because I was attracted to what I thought was the innate equality in such a a relationship. There are a variety of reasons I don't really seek out much fanfic anymore (one of which is the decade-plus that has gone by) but one of them is that I don't really see that equality getting embraced. (I'm necessarily truncating this, I have to imitate being a productive employee at the moment.)

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Melissa G.

at 19:40 on 2011-07-13

I JUST WANNA WATCH DUDES EMOTE. ;-)

Ooh, yes, good observation. I like that too.

I actually got into yaoi (not slash for whatever reason) because I was attracted to what I thought was the innate equality in such a a relationship.

Ditto. That's what I really like about it too, which is why I hate when they skew the power dynamic too far in one direction without somehow compensating for it in another way. I've never been into fanfic, but I do love doujinshi.

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Cammalot

at 19:48 on 2011-07-13I wrote up this whole long comment yesterday, but today with you guys' further conversation I realized I was addressing something that Pyro was not talking about, so I'm tweaking, but I don't think I'll have a chance to get to it today.

The extremely short version is that there's a very definite blockage that some women seem to have about writing women, and I had it myself for some time (and that some more extreme versions of it outright baffle me), and have spent a lot of time trying to process, discuss, and debate what the fuck that is about. With theories. I have theories.

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Melissa G.

at 19:53 on 2011-07-13

The extremely short version is that there's a very definite blockage that some women seem to have about writing women,

Definitely noticed this myself at times. I gravitate toward writing male characters, or at least I used to. I'm very interested to hear your theories whenever you find the time to write them up. :-)

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Sister Magpie

at 20:07 on 2011-07-13

Sorry, I made my long post before I saw this! That is odd. Why don't they focus on yuri? Yuri is slowly becoming a more female dominated genre. It's kind of cool actually that the female authors are slowly co-opting a genre that was once basically male-written lesbian porn for men. To each their own, I guess?

I would guess that that's probably not all that related to the whole "that's my kink" thing, only not all kinks are sexual. That is, expecting them to explain it would probably be similar to having anybody explain why they find one thing more hot than another.

For instance, I like het and I like slash, but there are certain kinds of stories that could definitely be considered non-sexual kinks that I am more likely to read about in a m/m pairing than a f/m pairing or f/f pairing. I suppose I could try to relate it to power issues with gender IRL, but it's probably more just a kink if it's something I've pretty much always been drawn to.

I don't find that rape or "I'm only gay for that guy" seems to dominate most of the slash I come across, but I think that might often come down to different pairings leaning towards different dynamics. Or else also some authors being better than most.

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Steve Stirling at 22:44 on 2011-07-13Pyrofennec:

-of the women in this series like to rape gay men for some strange reason.Melusine opens with an anecdote about the pure, true love between men. Two women get between it; one proceeds to rape one of the men repeatedly until he wants to kill himself.

-- that is odd. I'd say it was evidence of misogyny if a guy wrote it, but I have trouble -imagining- a guy writing it, even a gay man. You'd need a very strange set of quirks to do so.

[fanficy-au]

WRITING COMMISSIONS ARE OPEN – Information has been updated, the read more has been removed to make it more mobile friendly.

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Yes, but be prepared to give me a decent bio as well as physical descriptions and all the basic information. The more information I have, the more I can bring your baby to life. As stated before, I will not write novels for you so completely original characters are limited to 5000 words and unlike other commissions, you cannot receive the original document – this is so it cannot be entered into any publishing facilities or competitions under a name that is not my own.

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[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[cuteandtwisted]

reasons why Evak's shippers are fetishizer:1) you'll starting watch Skam after the cuddle scene. 2) writing Henjei fics. 3) were upset for the false rumors of Targei leaving back in March only because you won't get your gay nut. 4) the birthday video was fanservice and disgrace for the LGBT community. 5) only care about the sex part in the hotel scene and not what really important. (1/2)

6) the reason Tareji didn’t win his gullruten for his acting is because it’s wasn’t horny teenage girls with gay fetish who voted, thanks god. 7) even Mari said that all you wanna see is Isak and Even make out8) you make Henrik and Tarjei uncomfortable till the point they can’t interact with each other. 9) you never use season 1+2 isaks gifts, only season 3+4 (2/2). Mic drop.

Hello anon. I heard you’ve been copying/pasting the same message on a number of blogs/ccs, and I’ve been told to leave it alone because you probably just want a reaction out of it. But your 6th point bothered me a little bit so I thought I would answer. I’m not sure why you’re spending so much effort trying to make a claim anonymously, but Isak/Even are too precious for me to just brush off your accusations.

1. I personally started watching Skam while S2 was airing so that’s a fail on your part. S2 spoke to me because it dealt with the reality of sexual assault and how utterly devastating such events can be. How isolation can eat at you and turn you into someone you’re not, making you turn your back on exactly everyone you know, but mostly yourself. How love can turn you into someone you don’t even recognize. S2 wasn’t important to many in the evak fandom, but it was important to me. So alright.Many started watching after the cuddle scene because they had never seen love between two boys being portrayed so innocently and in such a raw manner. It was poignant. It was beautiful. It was butterflies inducing. There was nothing sexual about it. Just two boys with a crush lying on a bed, smoking joints, and talking about parallel universes while brushing each other’s hair. So I don’t know why you’re trying to shame people who started watching because of that.Other people started watching because of representation. I personally had never seen a Moroccan girl portrayed in a tv show before and Sana’s character was a gift to me. Other people were drawn to the show because it tackled bipolar and stigma against mental illness. Because it talked about oppression and privilege and eating disorders and depression and the need to feel like you belong somewhere. Because it tackled issues and mundane things we go through every day and that anyone can relate to without glorifying them or turning them into a cliche. The show rang true with so many. So so many. But go ahead and tell me that it’s because of “our gay nut”.

2. ? Some people wrote a few RPF fics. It’s fiction. You don’t have to read it. And while I’m not a fan myself, I don’t like the idea of shaming some people for their thoughts as long as they don’t harass people in real life and post shameful stuff on their instagrams and bother their friends and family.

3. His name is Tarjei. I personally never believed those rumors because I knew Isak meant too much to him and also because people love to spread rumors when there isn’t much to do. Back then, people had this thing against Tarjei because he wasn’t as close to the fans as other cast members, so rumors flew left and right. Still. If people were upset at the idea of him leaving, it was because Isak was their favorite character, because he resonated with them, because his struggle was real and raw and haunting. Not because of “our gay nut”. But go ahead.

4. Please explain how showing a HAPPY gay couple is a disgrace to the LGBT community, because I think you just lost me here? How is a wonderful boy making his wonderful boyfriend a birthday video with footage from their every day life a disgrace? Do LGBT people not deserve a shot at happy representation? Does everything happy have to be labeled as fanservice? Do we need to live in constant angst and pain? I don’t get it.

5. You lost me here once again. I don’t think ANYONE only cares about the “sex part” in the hotel scene. Fun fact, I couldn’t even rewatch that clip because it was so haunting and powerful and incredibly executed. I had chills and I couldn’t stop crying because that’s how incredibly poignant it was. I had to go take a walk. I couldn’t function for a while. There was nothing but heartbreak and outrage after that clip. The reveal was so heavy although expected, and our hearts bled that night. No one was “nutting” to the hotel scene. Everybody was literally shaken to their core, worried about what would happen. Worried about Even. Worried about Isak. Everybody was worried. That clip was a masterpiece and to have you turn it into this is a bit hurtful. Not to mention that the “sex part”, as you put it, was just so beautiful and touching. Even simply wanted Isak’s first time to be perfect. I don’t see why YOU have to fetishize that.

6. The point that upset me. You’re implying that Tarjei* didn’t deserve a gullruten. Tarjei, the 17 year old boy who got the award show to lower the minimum age just to be able to nominate him. Tarjei, the 17 year old who portrayed the inner struggles of a boy so repressed and so isolated and so so harsh on himself, a boy who wanted nothing but to be loved and feel important and safe, a boy who led the loneliest life before allowing himself to feel and love and accept himself. You’re implying that Tarjei – who gave a performance that touched the hearts of so many and who poured his heart and soul into every line and every scene and every blink while attending school and keeping his private life private and staying humble – didn’t deserve a gullruten. You’re “thanking god” that he didn’t win. You’re reducing his performance and Isak’s entire story to “a gay nut”. You’re reducing Isak’s entire arc and journey of self-acceptance and of falling in love with Even who challenged him to his core and made him see just how wrong he was about mental illness and about the world to “a gay nut”. Okay.

7. Yes, we want to see our favorite couple who’s gone through so much just be happy and hold hands and make out and smile and laugh and be happy. Mari does, too. She was mostly there with them when they made the fanvideo. She released the unused pictures. She loves Isak and Even just as much as we do. Your point? I seem to have missed it again.

8. Henrik and Tarjei are fine. They have nothing but good things to say about each other and they did an incredible job portraying Isak and Even. They spent months filming that fanvideo for Isak and Even and for the fans to whom they’re very thankful. You don’t know how they interact in real life. You don’t know a single thing about them and we don’t either. Stop spreading groundless rumors.

9. Again. Wrong. We love S1!Isak and we use gifs* from that era all the time. Not sure what you’re referring to here.

10. *Picks up your mic* *Drops it again.*

I don’t usually respond to hate and propaganda because I don’t see the point. But many people outside this fandom love to point fingers and label us as fetishizers when all most of us do is literally cry at the beauty of their story. Their story has touched us so deeply that we can’t move on even after all this time. It was just so raw and pure and painful, but so so worth it. Many of us didn’t even believe in the idea of ‘love’ before their story, in the idea of self-love and of finding someone who would just accept you for who you are and turn you into a better person and make you want to live your best life. Many of us didn’t have that and you have no right to reduce all of our feelings to “a gay nut”. I don’t know what you get out of this but why would you want to rob people of something that brings them so much joy and hope?

Alt er love. 💛💛

[undefinable-like-fire-archive]

dude no offense but like why do you take so long to reply to stuff, or do drafts or whatever. like, you're not slow, you reply to stuff but like most of the older stuff you just never do and take forever on, and like. i dont know you're just so spotty? you have a lot of followers you should be committed to being more on top of shit

Okay, so I’m going to respond to this seriously because it’s the fourth ask I’ve gotten like this in the last two weeks. Also take a look-see at my rules, this same info is in there last I checked.

I am a mentally ill man with a high-stress job and fairly abusive family. I know on one of my blogs at one point I posted a picture of myself with a black eye that I blamed on jaw surgery. It was not from jaw surgery.

Writing is, in essence, a coping mechanism. I write to cope, and that means when I’m in certain moods, I write certain things.

There has been a lot of angst and a lot of gay content here lately. Why? Because it’s Pride Month and I’m pansexual and it’s only more intense during this month, and because I’m currently in a very severe depression spell and struggling with suicidal ideaiton.

I write according to my mood. Some drafts do not fit that mood and so they sit by the wayside. I plan to continue them, I want to, but I have to be in the right mindset for specific drafts. That’s all there is to it.

There are so many factors too. The better I know you, the more likely I am to reply quickly to threads because the pressure to do everything just right isn’t as intense. I know my close friends aren’t going to be judging me, or irritated, they’ll just message me if I wrote something off and ask if I can change it and we’ll go back to goofing off.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that my writing is very reliant on my mental state, and on how well I know someone. The people I know best, we have far more drafts, and therefore it seems like I only respond to them because they’re the majority of my drafts and asks: because we’re close and we talk and we plot and wesend each other shit when we know the other wants some of it.

I can’t really help the way I write, and maybe I should be more committed. I do appreciate and enjoy writing with all of my followers and would love to do so more often, when my mental state allows. 

That said, if the way I write or my inability to write in a way that pleases you is irritating, you can always unfollow. It’s no skin off my back. 

Too long didn’t read: I am in no way a healthy individual with a good life. I’m a broke college drop out with a whacked-out family, a handful of mental illnesses, and a bad job. Like it or not, that affects my writing. 

So I’m gonna keep replying to what I have muse for and safely tucking everything else away for when I feel up to writing for it. If that bothers you, door’s in the wall.