#i love the women in our community and there's a very important reason lesbian is first in the lgbt anagram

[genderkoolaid]

Hello! Non binary here. I'm trying to genuinely understand how saying bi lesbians are a thing are not harmful to the trans, lesbian and bi community. I saw some of the bi lesbians history and this label seems to be something they used to say to identify that they felt mostly attraction to women but could eventually like a man / people that liked men in the past but now go as lesbians. On the first example, Isn't it just bisexuality with a preference to women? and in the second, lesbians with comphet. I understand the need to use those labels in the past, but now it seems harmful to use bi lesbian because lesbians are not attracted men and bisexuals are not lesbians. I have also seen that the use of bi lesbian was a reactionary push to the TERF movement of excluding men from queer spaces as in a way to "purify" women

While someone in either of the groups you described might identify as a bi lesbian, that is certainly not the extent of bi lesbianism.

I think the problem emerges for many people because they are viewing the definitions of queer terms as objective descriptions we discovered. From this perspective, people used to use lesbian in a more expansive sense essentially because they didn't know any better. But I dislike that; our foreparents were not identifying how they did because they didn't know better, their constructions of gender and sexuality are just as valid. And it's important to understand why those definitions formed instead of going “well it's different now so stop it.”

I'm not sure if you are saying you've heard TERFs came up with the term bi lesbian. I wouldn't be surprised, since it's a fairly common rumor. But it's very wrong. To give a very general history, “bi lesbian” came about to describe people who identified with lesbianism– in the sense that they identified with being queer, having some personal relationship with womanhood and loved or desired women– who also were multisexual in some way. “Lesbian” emphasized your love/desire for women as an important part of your identity, and “bisexual” gave nuance to that, creating visibility for bi people within the community. The outrage against bi lesbians came from the same source as the hatred for trans lesbians (of all kinds): radical feminist beliefs in political lesbianism, the insistence that being a lesbian is a political choice to end all personal relationships with men & manhood.

The idea that “lesbians, universally, aren't attracted to men” largely comes out of this shift. You cannot separate the idea that “bi lesbians” don't/shouldn't exist and the legacy of transphobic radical feminism which encourage black-and-white thinking and hostility towards Bad Queers who dared to love or desire men, be men, dress like men, or fuck like men (anything from BDSM to using a strap-on). This divide is artificial and we do not need to just accept it. Bi lesbians are not the source of harm, the ideology that insists on their exclusion is. On top of this, in many physical queer communities bi lesbians & other people with complicated identities are very easily accepted; the idea that it's somehow impossible for these identities to be safely normalized is just queer conservatism.

There are many reasons someone might enjoy the bi lesbian label: personally, I'm multigender and using a single sexuality label doesn't accurately express my sexuality. A lot of times I see people who counter reasons for bi lesbian identity by saying “but that's just being a lesbian/bisexual!” which is another product of this black-and-white thinking. The idea that someone else with a similar experience using a different label than you– or someone with a different experience using the same label– is somehow a threat to your identity is very reminiscent of the way radical feminism relies on patriarchal ideas that everyone in a gender group must self-police that group to ensure homogeneity. Someone with a totally “normal” bisexual experience may still identify as a bi lesbian, or use both bisexual and lesbian in varying contexts, because they feel it accurately expresses their personal sexuality & relationship to queer communities.

There's famously an Alison Bechdel strip about a character being a bi lesbian, but I think my favorite piece of bi lesbian art is this poem by Dajenya. It's a very defiant and wholehearted response to anti-bi-lesbian sentiment and how it harms people within the community far more than bi lesbian identity does. this site is a collection of primary resources on bi lesbianism, including a few interviews from bi lesbians which might be helpful for you.

[cowboyjen68]

i am 24, from chicago and i have a crush on youuuu

You are very sweet to tell me and this is my opportunity to talk about how healthy internet personalities or "celebrity" crushes are to young lesbians finding thier own sexuality in a world that mostly assumes people straight (becuase statisically that is objectively true).

I still, to this day, remember, as a teen and young woman having a crush on Christy McNichol, Nancy McKeon (or more particularly her character Jo), and Tatum O Neal. There were older women like Markie Post and Erin Gray who I crushed on. "Ooo older women, they are so steady and have their shit together .. and HOT". I actually knew very little about them off screen. My Teen magazines were featuring TEEN stars, for good reason.

But I still crushed on them and watching thier sitcoms. Most of these women were straight but that was not really important. What was important was they were not really real. I could build them to be how I want to be in my mind using the superficial things I could see about them or learn from little interviews etc.

The internet has changed that dynamic slightly. I am accessible. Reachable. A real person. I wonder if someday media experts will refer to"CowboyJen" as a character I created. They would be wrong but I would understand the thought process. There are aspects of my life I don't share. No one wants to see me ass dragging at 10 pm after a 15 hour shift sitting on my bed trying to untie my shoes before I fall asleep or cleaning my bathroom . My life is entwined with others and I protect their privacy unless they agree to participate.

I do answer DM's. I do respond to comments. I am not simply a character on a small screen that does not interact with the audience. That is a shift in the "celebrity" paradigm. And it can make crushes seem much more real.

What I want to address is that crushes and fantasizing about other women IS NORMAL and healthy and a tool to help us figure what we like, learn to enjoy our sexuality. I remember feeling shame for thinking about these women because it was "dirty" and "creepy". In reality it was no such thing. It is just a normal part of being human, to seek out a safe outlet for fantasy, day dreaming and forming our dislikes and likes in our own head and heart so we can translate that to our real dating/love life.

Crushes don't stop at the teens or 20's. I would argue most adults experience crushes as well and it is just another tool in our humanity that we use to navigate the world we live in.

The largest difference is my generation's crushes were relatively unreachable. Fan mail was mostly answered by an employee or a hired service. Any contact in real life with back stage passes or "meet and greets" were heavily controlled and monitored for safety and to protect the image of the celebrity. And also to often to prevent the musician or actor from over stepping his/her bounds too.

Now many smaller scale recognizable people are accessible in real life. We live and work in our communities. I didn't create a character I just share my life and my reality because I think it can truly give other lesbians and women hope that we are not destined to life of stereotypes because we are butch, or lesbian, or bi or female or not rich or any number of things that get false expectations attached to it.

I guess what I am saying is your crush is healthy and normal and I would never shame anyone for having such feelings towards me. It is also my duty as a role model to not breech appropriate boundaries and I take that job very seriously. The fact is I travel to Chicago on occasion and I am out and about in the real world so the chances of me meeting followers like you and and others is highly likely at some point. I love meeting people and often to respond to and meet followers, who become my friends, in person. We are all people and I am dead serious about forming intergenerational lesbian connections in real life.

Your crush is your safe place to explore emotions and attractions so enjoy.

Side note: I don't not consider myself a "celebrity" LOL I am using that word in the broad sense as meaning a recognizable person outside of my in-person friends and community.

[a-faggot-with-opinions]

I just wanted to drop in with some links to some now-deleted but still very good articles on Transmasc Comphet (which is a term I think needs to be spread around more when discussing Transmlm social pressures)

"Transmasc Comphet (and the road to faggotry)" the original article - web (dot) archive (dot) org/web/20210109231028/https:// medium (dot ) com/@neilklein/transmasc-comphet-and-the-road-to-faggotry-62ed750f391f

"Transmasc Comphet — the Followup" - web (dot) archive (dot) org/web/20210124071417/https://medium (dot) com/@neilklein/transmasc-comphet-the-followup-46fddbda7c4

I think a lot of it is stuff you and others who discuss anti-transmasculinity already touch on but I think it's another piece of language we really should be using (even though I know someone is going to find some reason to hate us more over it). Thanks so much for everything you do on the blog my guy

Every gay trans man on the planet needs to read this.

In all my many years of being alive, there has not ever been one other article that I have read that has resonated with me even close to the way that these two have. I used to think I was either a lesbian or a bi woman and would pretend to myself that I'm attracted to women when I am now, and also was at the time, repulsed by the idea of being romantically involved with women. I remember for a while I called myself a butch lesbian because it felt like the closest thing to what I thought I was (a masculine woman).

But something still wasn't right, because I'm not a masculine woman, and it didn't feel correct even at the time. I brushed it off and kept going on with my life as one does. For a long time after that, I thought I just had a fetish of myself as a man. But I think that accepting myself as a gay trans man was inevitable after I got really invested in the FOB fandom. Now, I am a gay trans man, and I feel so much better than when I identified as bi or a lesbian because this is who I really am.

Talking to a lot of other transmasc MLM has made me realize that my story is not unique. So many baby trans men identify as bi or straight for this reason before realizing that they are actually gay. And that's not to invalidate straight trans men—they exist—but I am saying that so many of us are convinced that we're straight because as men, that's what society pushes onto us. And even before we know that we're men, we subconsciously know that we are in some sort of societal role where we should love women, which is why, I think, so many gay transmascs identify as lesbian or bi before even realizing that we're trans.

One other thing that I resonate with that Klein brought up is the fact that it's impossible to separate my homosexuality from my transness because sexuality and gender don't exist in a void separate from each other. This is the main reason that I identify as nonbinary and am uncomfortable describing my gender as a man unless I'm making it clear that I'm oversimplifying my actual experience. By saying that my gender is male without elaborating, what I'm saying is that I'm like other men in some way, and that my experience of gender is similar to other men.

But that just isn't the case for me. I tend to think of myself internally as a third gender, separate from male and female, largely due to my experiences with being gay. In the framework of maleness, I'm GNC, femme, or whatever else you want to call me that basically means the same thing. The simplest way to describe my gender identity, and in my opinion the most accurate, is that I'm gay. I am like others who are gay, and I fit into that community. My expression, then, is built around a framework of being gay.

Often when cis people talk about people like me, they tend to put our transness first, and think of our homosexuality as being something that exists because of our transness while in my experience transness and homosexuality are equally important parts of my identity that can't be separated. I am not me if I am not trans and gay. To put it in simpler terms, there might be an alternate universe where I am female due to my transness being something innate to my being that I feel would still exist even if I was amab, but there is no universe in which I am not exclusively attracted to men.

[thatspussybabie]

i guess i'm coming out again. hi i'm tori i'm bisexual!!!

my lesbian identity was really important and central in my life for about a decade and i didn't question or waver on it until very recently.

i got more solid on my feminist politics and my understanding of sexuality and of my own trauma and the mistakes i and others made when i first came out. i started living with my wife and organizing politically with lesbians and recognizing differences in our experiences. i learned about FEBfems (female-exclusive bisexual feminists) and started cottoning onto the difference between choosing to center and prioritize women and avoiding men for political and safety reasons, and being exclusively attracted to women. i'm not interested in "political lesbianism" as an identity or lifestyle. i've always found it to be appropriative of the lesbian experience and an unnecessary avoidance of using the term bisexual when it's accurate.

it hurts a lot to reneg on the shared experiences i've had with lesbians at community events in the past but it's more important for me to be authentic and honest as my understanding of myself evolves. i've been trying to have individual conversations with people who are affected by this realization and i wasn't really planning on Coming Out to my meagre tumblr following because i didn't think anyone was paying attention lol but i got a nosy anon so, now you know.

my perfect beautiful kind sweet loving wife has been such an incredible support over the months i cried and panicked about my sexuality crisis and the fear i had around losing relationships i cherish that were created around what we thought was a shared experience of lesbianism. she's empathetic to my weird experience of coming out at 19 when i couldn't parse the difference between being afraid of men and being unattracted to them. our love and commitment to each other has only grown stronger as i've gained more clarity in my understanding of myself and she has celebrated it with me every step.

[bonefall]

I don't understand he/him lesbians, I'm friends with a few lesbians and they all say it's harmful to lesbians for someone who identifies as male to call themselves a lesbian, is this right? If you're not comfortable explaining that's ok! I just saw you answered an ask with it and I wanted someone else's opinion? I'm not too keyed in on sexuality and genders and stuff (I'm a bi cis woman) but I'm trying to learn more to be more considerate to the people around me and stuff

Hey, if you're reaching out and seeking advice on the topic, that is good for me!

I will not do this very often though just because I want this blog to be a place for funny battle cats and general celebrations of queerness, but for you, I will give you a brief rundown and some good links to further reading if you'd like to learn more.

So this sentence is aimed at everyone who is not this anon; my stance is not negotiable and the block button is my best friend. Do not use this post to argue. Thank you.

It is not correct that people who identify with masculinity cannot use the term lesbian.

Queerness isn't about rigid boxes and fitting ourselves into them, that's what we're supposed to be against!

Lesbians are people who identify in some way with femininity and have sapphic affections for other feminine people. I've met agender (no gender) lesbians, genderfluid (gender isn't rigid and shifts like liquid) lesbians, demigender (sort-of feels gender but not much) lesbians, multigender (identifies with multiple genders possibly including masculinity) lesbians, so on.

I have even known a transgender man who found the label better described his relationship to women than the term 'heterosexual.' When asked why, he described it as, "I don't love women the way other men do." Even though he was no longer a woman, he still felt a connection to femininity that he felt was best described as sapphic.

A person's relationship to gender can be a very complex and multifaceted thing. In fact this complexity is why I personally use the term genderqueer.

When a homophobic chucklefuck says, "Uhuhuh im a lesbian like u because i also like women what now" What they're doing is being disrespectful. That is what is harmful about that. They do not care that you say, "Ah, well, a lesbian is only women who like other women!" because now you've given them a foot in the door to shave women down into rigid boxes of femininity to fit stupid binary rules.

TERFs have used this in the past to divide our community. Our enemies do not care that our terms "make sense." They just want us gone.

Pronouns don't always equal gender.

Just like how I mentioned that there are masculine people who can identify in some part with femininity without being women, the same thing can happen with people who are women and feel a connection to masculinity, or something else entirely.

Lesbians using he/him pronouns goes back for decades, even centuries. Some would use these pronouns to pass as men (and may have been what we'd call transgender men with modern terms), while others feel a strange relationship to their assigned gender through their sexuality, and some simply prefer he/him.

He/him lesbians, they/them lesbians, xe/xir lesbians...

Discomfort is not the only reason to change your pronouns. Disconnect is not the only way we explore ourselves. Sometimes it's pleasure!

PLEASE GO READ

(CW: The following literature is intended for adults and discusses sexuality and queer history, including oppression, violence, racism, etc.)

Female Masculinity by Jack Halberstam Talks about the history of masculinity in the lesbian community. Important book. Please read.

Butch, Femme, Dyke, Or Lipstick, Aren't All Lesbians The Same?: An Exploration Of Labels And "Looks" Among Lesbians In The U.S. South, a thesis by Denielle Kerr While this one isn't about history, it's a really good introduction to the discussion in general since you specifically mentioned not knowing much about these issues. It touches on a bunch of popular queer theories in a way applicable to lesbians specifically, like performance theory, bodywork, intersectionality... Just follow the citations when you see something you'd like to know more about.

[butch-reidentified]

I'm sorry if it came off as rude, I was agreeing with your reblog 😔 I'm aware that butch doesn't really mean masculine, as I said it's just a personal preference, and the butch/femme dichotomy always read as a bit weird to me because femme literally just means "woman".

To be fair, I only have the french context for this and those terms aren't nearly as popular here. But if you have good resources about the history of those terms I'd genuinely love to educate myself on it, it's quite fascinating.

Love your blog btw !

you did not come off rude don't worry!! just felt it was important to be said!!

i used to speak french very well but not so good anymore, but i do understand feeling weird about the term femme bc of it forsure. I would appreciate if we had a different term specifically for lesbians who are - and please interpret this abstractly bc the language for what I'm attempting to describe here simply does not exist in any language I speak - "feminine" in a way that (intentionally or otherwise) subverts conventional femininity and is not appealing to the traditional male gaze/behavioral preference. sort of like... unapologetic outspoken opinionated women, casual dresses and leg hair, floral prints and bushy eyebrows vibes, but not exactly? aspects of femininity but not total feminine performance, and most importantly with gnc behaviors like importantly including unlearning femsoc etc? women who have done the work to unlearn the femininity forced on us growing up and afterward found they genuinely like select "feminine" things in a nonperformative way? language has always felt wildly limiting to me but I'm hoping at least some will understand me on this. and really hoping nobody takes it too literally lol

the reason I (playfully) call my wife femme is she has done that work, has intensively introspected on her female socialization and spent significant time intentionally defying it to give herself perspective and a shot at engaging with traits typically seen as "feminine" from as much of a truly voluntary place as possible, and found she enjoys certain things that fall into that category. most of those things are invisible to people outside our relationship and closest friend circles, whereas if we're downtown she's not going to be viewed as feminine by strangers at all. I think that's a way more meaningful lesbian archetype than using "femme" (or any alternative term) to mean "gender conforming/totally feminine" or even, if we're honest, often used to refer to "straight-passing" lesbians, which my wife is not even close to being.

I personally feel that butch has a highly specific and unique crucial lesbian cultural context & history that would & should persist in a postgender world, that is much more about a specific lesbian "archetype" than relationship to gender & can exist without relationship to gender just fine. to me, butchness requires gender nonconformity in a patriarchal, gendered world, but that's only a prerequisite, not a defining characteristic of butchness itself. does that make sense? sometimes my communication style only makes sense to me n my wife lmfao (same w hers even tho its very diff from mine)

I agree about butch/femme. it's not - or at least shouldn't be seen as - a dichotomy. I don't prefer feminine women, I prefer gnc women for SURE, but I don't consider myself butch4butch bc my preference is for gnc women in general not just butches (like what I said ab my wife being gnc but not butch).

I used to have resources on this, but unfortunately I have a terrible memory and can't remember them at the moment to save my life. hoping someone who follows me will!!

this was much longer than I anticipated lmao & idk if it will actually make any real sense to anyone else 😅

[xxcalicofemmexx]

i think the thing is, is a lot of exclusionists are coming at this from the wrong direction. so much of the language used to argue against mspec lesbians is binarist to the extreme, which is extremely frustrating when what we’re talking about is a non-binary identity.

lesbianism has always included nonbinary people, and bisexuals, and gender nonconformists, and trans people, and aspecs, and men, and genderqueers, and mspec people of all kinds! we didn’t always have the language, but if you know what to look for you’ll see we were ALWAYS there.

but then the second wave of feminism hit, and with it came a lot of very loud upper-middle class white women’s opinions. political lesbianism became a thing, and lesbian separatism, and suddenly it wasn’t enough to just love women anymore. in fact, under political lesbian ideology, queer love for women didn’t factor in at all.

men were evil. men were inherently oppressors. men were sexually depraved animals that would ruin anything they touched. attraction under this ideology was an ethical choice. any woman who chose to align herself with a man was a traitor to the cause, and a victim of the patriarchy, and impure.

if that terminology sounds familiar, you’re right, it is! this was the birth of radical feminism, and with it came proto-TERFism.

now, please take a moment to consider why it became so important to center the exclusion of “men” in the definition of lesbianism. think about why a binary of “okay” and “not okay” genders would be encouraged, and who would benefit from their segregation.

all that said, i’ll address your concerns point by point

one of the bigger confusions for me with the mspec lesbian label is: what is a lesbian then?

the answer is the same as any queer identity. it’s up to personal interpretation. lesbian is a word that someone chooses to express theirself, to explain their identity, and to help find community where they belong.

in my opinion, and how i define lesbian for personal use: a lesbian is someone who experiences queer attraction to women, and prioritizes that attraction when seeking relationships.

but if a lesbian defines their personal experience with lesbianism around their lack of attraction to men, that’s cool! it’s their identity, and they’re the only one who can decide how to relate that to the real world.

the not cool part is when a singular experience is generalized, and touted as universal.

There Is No Universal Experience. the way you feel is not going to be exactly identical to everyone else.

Ive heard [lesbian] re-defined “queer attraction to women” but thats also for example what bisexual women have.

this seems to be a shocking statement to a lot of exclusionists. but. having things in common with other queer people is a good thing. yes, correct, bisexual women experience queer attraction to women. and they have personal reasons why they don’t identify with lesbianism, just like you (i assume) have personal reasons why you don’t identify with mspec labels. some people have personal reasons why they identify with multiple labels. and it’s not our business to pry into anyone’s private life!

also, as an aside bc it feels like a lot of people forget this: a bi woman’s queer attraction to women is not lesser than a lesbian woman’s. bisexuals and lesbians are equally queer. bi women and lesbian women have valuable shared experiences, including and not limited to their love for women, and the history of their communities.

Lesbianism centers women and its the only sexuality that doesnt include men.

it is not the only sexuality that doesn’t include men. ceterosexual. finsexual. enbian. neptunic. nominsexual. womasexual. hell, even bisexual doesn’t have to include men! i could go on and on and on, but my point is made.

if you don’t want to use a different label when you already identify with lesbianism so strongly, well… huh. i wonder who else feels that way 🤔

I dont see why lesbians cant just have our own label for our own sexuality?

this is a bad argument, and my absolute least favorite phrase to hear in a conversation about inclusivity. i will not give a question asked in such bad faith the dignity of a real response.

If we decide lesbianism includes men we wont even have a label for that shared experience anymore.

again, we’re not ~deciding~ that lesbianism includes men. multigender, genderfluid, nonbinary, butch, and otherwise genderqueer lesbians have always existed. it’s transphobic revisionism to say that they didn’t, to pretend this is a new concept.

parting statements

1) there are always reasons why a person connects with a label. when it comes to queer identity, a lot of people think long and hard about it. we’re talking hours upon hours of introspection- weeks, years even. if someone identifies in a way you don’t understand, it’s not your business to question them. they’ve thought about their experience more than you ever could.

2) because this is a big argument that gets thrown around: we are not going to force you to fuck men. we are not going to force you to fuck us. if you are not attracted to men, and/or you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who could be, then walk away from them. that’s literally all it takes.

3) the acknowledgement and acceptance of mspec lesbians Does Not suggest or encourage the normalization of corrective rape, conversion therapy, or lesbophobic harassment. it does not contribute to lesbian erasure, as that is a problem with public representation and historical accounts, Not a matter of personal identity

repost, og posted feb 24, 2023

[lumpsbumpsandwhumps]

/s /s /s /s Most of us are women and aren't interested in hurting our own! We just like causing as much pain as possible to the opposite sex and openly get whumperflies from seeing men in distress, especially when we can further fetishize toxic queer relationships (but NOT lesbians!!!!! very important). It's not internalized misogyny because we've excluded all the possible women archetypes so there's no one to discriminate <3 I love my fellow women that's why I make and consume 0 content of them /s /s /s /s

Anon, get a grip. You're in a goddamn whump community, on Tumblr no less. If you don't like women in whump, regardless of whether they're a whumpee or whumper, then fine, but don't act like it makes you above everyone else. Feminism isn't the reason you like seeing a guy getting gutted by another dude, it's the western fujoshi.

WESTERN FUJOSHI

[redheadlesbianfreak]

During my Freshman year in college, one of my friends called me the “token straight friend” of our college friend group. It fucking hurt man. I was definitely queer, I was definitely attracted to women, and I knew this. But I didn’t know how to label myself, and I hadn’t “come out” to anyone yet. I wasn’t even out to myself, as I kept doubting my queerness.

You know what I did identify as back then? Asexual. That labeled seemed to be right for me and I felt good about it. I was still called “the token straight friend.” In fact, I wasn’t seen as a “real” member of the queer community by anyone until I started identifying as a lesbian. And got a girlfriend to boot. Suddenly, I went from feeling left out to feeling welcomed.

Coming out to people as asexual was terrifying in its own right. Most people didn’t know what that was, but they heard the word “sexual” and freaked out. Other people really didn’t take me seriously at all. They would say “that’s neat” and then go on a rant about how ace people really weren’t apart of the queer community. 

Am I asexual? I’m honestly not sure anymore. I know for sure I’m comfortable with the lesbian label, I adore the butch label, but there are still some things that are confusing. I like sex, I love the feeling and the connection. But the pressure to perform a certain way is a lot. I think that my sex drive is “low” and I prefer having it every so often. 

I’m also realizing that there is no such thing as a normal sex drive. That everyone has a different relationship with sex, and that’s okay! It’s all valid as long as you aren’t hurting someone. It’s okay if you don’t want to have it, it’s okay if you are repulsed, it’s okay if you adore it and want to have it all the time, and it’s also okay if you would prefer it every so often. 

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for a very long time. When ace people talk about how violently acephobic so many people were in the LGBTQIA community just a few years ago, they’re telling the truth. I felt it firsthand and I stopped using a label that I felt comfortable with for a long time. 

I really want this blog to be sex positive and never shame people for loving sex. I hate slut-shaming and I want people to live their best life. I think people should be loud and proud, do what makes them comfortable. But it’s so important to me that my blog is supportive of those who are aroace for a reason. 

I think that love, sexuality, and relationships look different for everyone--and that’s beautiful. No one should ever be shamed because of the way they live or for being themselves.

[quackkaz]

hello my fellow followers and probably random people that see this :)

I would need some advice lmao, it’s pretty important for me. but of course, you have no obligation to give advice to me if you don’t know what to say, or how, or anything, this is mainly to see your opinion on this :D

so, my birthday is coming up (august 9 YIPPPEEEE) and I invited two of my friends, alongside my girlfriend. the thing is, my parents will be there as well, and they still don’t know that my girlfriend is, yk.. my girlfriend.

they also don’t know that I am a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, being panromantic, aegosexual and genderfluid.

I have identified as at least (because I knew I liked women but I wasn’t sure if I liked men) queer for at least 3 years now, and they have never known. there was a part of my life in which I wasn’t close to my family at all even though we lived together and I hated them with a passion at that time. and I was also scared that they would be homophobic, since they have made sorta homophobic jokes in the past. (though, they didn’t really think it through and apologized)

they are the main reasons why I still haven’t told them about my identity and sexuality, and now that I identify as panromantic, aegosexual and genderfluid, it would be even harder to explain to them what that is compared to what I identified as in the past (lesbian).

but now that I have an awesome supportive beautiful and kind (among other things <3) girlfriend, and that she is going to sleep in the same bed as me on my birthday (sleepover :D), and that it will probably get awkward if my friends have to not mention we are dating, etc. … I think I kinda have to tell them that me and her are a thing, you know?

though, telling them that I’m dating a girl, still being perceived as a girl by my parents, would result in them connecting the puzzle pretty quickly and asking me what my sexuality is. and that is the bit harder part.

I would be very open to telling them that I have a girlfriend, but my coming out being added into the mix..? it just.. I don’t know, I don’t think I’m ready yet.

but at the same time, I need and want to tell them about our relationship 😭 so this dilemma is now clouding my brain (brain which is filled with sanders sides mostly atm >:D) and I would like to know what y’all think about that!

do you think I should tell them? or not? or maybe another solution? I don’t know lmao, but any feedback would be very much appreciated <3 /p

on that note, thank you for reading through all my blabbering lmao, I love you all so much <333333 /p

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

So as the other anon predicted: it angered people when she said that one sided intimacy is questionable and uncomfortable. But she is right. Sex is a experience of vulnerability so one person being vulnerable only is an imbalance. We can have very legitimate reasons for not wanting it.... but its an unequality of the relationship. Its not a judgement its just a fact. (If we leave sex out of it, think about a relationship where one partner is sharing her feelings and opens up about her past and the other partner is supportive but never opens up herself. Then we can see what the previous anon means. It becomes one-sided.)

This might not be a huge deal to some. It may be important to others. People are different... myself too I struggle with being touched due to trauma. I can see how this would be difficult for a gf who wants to reciprocate...she is letting herself be intimate with me but I can't do it with her.

When people see the word "control" they think of abuse or malicious intents, but thats not it. Wanting to be in control is not a bad thing, its not about controlling my gf. It is about MY boundaries and sense of safety being out of my control in the past so now I have to be hyperaware. Its not my fault, but its not hers either and a relationship is about two people.

Of course she should not force me. No one should be forced to push themselves. It can be really retraumatizing for women like us. A relationship like that would be sexually incompataible and unfair to both.

Moving beyond us as individual women I would also like if we think critically as a community : why is it specially us lesbians who struggle so much with this? We cannot underestimate the influence of homophobia and misogyny on us. Our sexuality and bodies are never our own and it affects how we relate to our bodies and our sexual relationships. That doesn't meanr we can't find happiness as we are or we need to be fixed. But I think we should also not treat this as something that is just inherent or natural. (Maybe there are people for whom this is a natural preference just like how without the patriarchy some women will still like fashion and be nurturing. But as a group, it is not simply how we are).

Appreciate you starting this conversation.

Ooo, you know what, I've never thought about that last point before. I've heard of (not met) two men who didn't like paying attention to their genitals. Both of them struggled deeply with gender dysphoria and it was clear they didn't like being reminded that they were men/had a penis. It was clear this repulsion came from genuine issues they had to work through.

Wow. Now that you bring it up, I don't think I've ever heard of a non lesbian who hated being touched by their partner and thought that it was perfectly fine.

People keep bringing up sexual trauma when talking about stones, but I'd like to point out that not all stones have sexual trauma. I feel like, for the ones that don't, a lot of not wanting to be touched may have to do with the fact that they don't like how much being submissive clashes with their perception of themselves as strong and masculine.

Once again, I'm just speculating and would love to hear differing opinions.

[cringengl]

https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/wkn5n1/why_do_you_guys_think_girls_tend_to_love_mlm/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1

looking more into the mlm and why it draws in female attention I’m not the only lesbian who noticed it I’ll post more links because the psychology of it fascinates me because as a gay woman male relationships really don’t interest me specially when wlw suffers so poorly.

no offence to byler fans either but I’d rather a budding community of lesbians looking for female relationships not that between two males and then slap the word rep on it how does that benefit lesbians exactly? In my views it doesn’t because byler is just make girls look dumb craving male attention.

elmax has more chemistry then byler the show fucked up there massive potential

Hi!! Thanks for sending me the link!!

Honestly though, I do have to disagree with a couple of your points. Just because something doesn't directly benefit lesbians doesn't mean it shouldn't be supported. We are the lgbtq+ community and a win for queer rep is a win for queer people and we should be supporting other parts of our community.

Second of all, the idea that girls/women/female fans who like byler are only "craving male attention" not only perpetuates the idea that the only reason women do things is for men, but also that women only do things out of a sexual interest, which obviously just isn't true. There are a myriad of reasons why women, sapphic and straight, engage with mlm stories, whether that is due to relating to the story, just enjoying the story, or yeah, due to "craving male attention" but my point is that it's not the only reason why and shouldn't be presented as such.

Elmax was only ever going to be a friendship and although I love reading it in fics, both El and Max needed a female friend after spending so long on their male friends and romance arcs. Stranger Things will always be a friendship show more than a romance show and I am always of the belief that female friendships are super important, especially for girls and women. Max was right when she said that El needed someone in her life other than Mike or Hopper. El honestly needs a break from romance arcs so I'm hoping that she'll be single for the majority of s5. The importance of female friendship is also the reason why I believe that Robin and Nancy's friendship is going to play a part as Robin is Nancy's first female friend since Barb and grief doesn't necessarily stop with closure and/or a funeral.

I do agree with you on the basis that there needs to be more wlw shows and movies. Although there has been the recent win of the renewal of Warrior Nun, so many wlw series are getting cancelled after the first season or just not getting made at all. It's honestly very frustrating because something I love about TV shows over movies is the fact that there's so much more content and more room for growth in both characters and relationships and at this point I get most of my wlw content from books (if anyone wants recs I am happy to give them!!). That means that if they get cancelled after 1 season then I, and I'm sure so many other people, just don't care as much as we aren't as attached to the characters.

There are so many reasons why this happens I'm sure, due to misogyny, lesbophobia and the falsely perceived idea that people don't want wlw media (for whatever reason). I honestly do think the reason is a mix of all these.

But yeah, thanks for the ask, this topic will always be an interesting one :))

[thelesbianagenda123]

✰Videos to watch as a newly out lesbian✰

Hello! My name is Kay (they/she), and this blog is for a school project, lol.

I decided that for this assignment I'd collect 10 videos that I think people should watch, especially as newly out Lesbians, or just queer women in general. I came out as a lesbian myself going on 5 years ago this coming June and I think that all of the following videos would have been very beneficial to me then but are still quite enjoyable now.

✰ History of Queer Woman's Symbols + History of the Lesbian Flag(s) by STRANGE ÆONS

I've been watching STRANGE ÆONS since I first came out, and in general, they have very entertaining content about Tumblr history and just silly things, but I also appreciate and enjoy their historical queer content. they are already personally very educated on their topics, but they also go the mile to back up what they're talking about. They are also pretty fast-paced with the way they present their points, which is good for me and my ADHD to listen to while I'm working on other things

✰ The Original Lesbian // Sappho Of Lesbos [CC] [AD]

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard is another lesbian youtuber who makes content about queer and lesbian history, while also having a focus on the history of the disabled and chronically ill community. She additionally makes content about her family life with her wife and son I like this video in particular, although all of her videos carry heavy importance because Sappho is credited for the very start of the wlw community if you think about it. Terms like Lesbian and Sapphic were created because of her and her writings and I think it's important to have that knowledge of her importance

✰ 19 Questions Newly Out Lesbians Have for Experienced Lesbians

As/Is is a great channel with mostly lighthearted videos about personal lives and self-improvement. I will give a warning that this video does have sexual discussions, as that is something some lesbians have questions about I think this video is great for new lesbians because it's asking questions that you're not going to really get answered till you go out and meet other lesbians to ask or experience it for yourself, and that can be really intimidating to think about. They also ask a pretty diverse group as masc and fem lesbians as well as lesbians of different races, giving the viewer a wider perspective of backgrounds to think about.

✰ Historically Important Lesbian Films You Should Watch

film is a huge staple of modern media consumption and is how a lot of people first learn about themselves and find community with like-minded people. Film in general is a good way to learn about where you come from and stories about people like you, and I think these recommendations are all really strong for different reasons

✰ A History of Queer Woman | Betwixt The Sheets

While this one is on the longer side since it's a podcast episode, I think it is a really good listen, even if you just want to put it on in the background while you're doing something else. it's not just lesbian-focused and looks at queer women as a whole community and the struggles and history that changed our culture down the line

✰ A Radical Lesbian Neighborhood in the 90's | Womontown | Full Documentary

to put it simply, I love old lesbians, and I think this short documentary is a wonderful way to celebrate those older lesbians and learn about where they come from and how they've shaped our culture today. I feel like queerness, but specifically Lesbianism is a really community-driven experience and this document drives that point home, showing how there was a group that forged their own path and made a home for themselves in the middle of the city.

✰ Lesbian Avengers Eat Fire Too

The Lesbian Avengers are a huge peace of Lesbian and queer history when it comes to the queer rights movement. They are silently credited with a good chunk of the progress we've made, and are a core reason for the "angry man hating lesbian" but at their core, they are a group os lesbians uplifting and supporting one another as they work for queer activism and this documentary takes a look at that from the inside

✰ Searching for the Lesbian Bars in America

bar nightlife has always been a huge part of queer culture, and lesbian culture specifically too. but as time has gone on, those spaces have had to close their doors consistently and in a staggering amount in comparison to gay bars. Losing these spaces is extremely detrimental to lesbians and the general populous of queer women in general

✰ Alison Grahm Explains the History Behind the Word "Butch" | InQueery | them. + Munroe Bergdorf Explains The History Behind the Word "Femme" | InQueery | them.

I often feel like lesbian terms like Femme, Butch, and Stud are misconstrued both in and out of the lesbian community, and thought that these two videos went really hand in hand to explain what they actually mean and where they come from

✰ Gail and Audrey: An Unexpected Love Story

For my last video recommendation, I picked this one about Audrey Smaltz and her wife, former Olympian Gail Marquis. This one is just a sweet little love story that helped me smile and gave me a little hope for the future of lesbians and queer women in general

[arthurreblogs]

i think meditating on The Gay Man Flag Discourse that i refuse to continue participating in but still irks me, i think what really gets me about it is how much it feels like people are asking gay men to cut themselves off from the community? specifically whenever the “why didn’t you use the mlm/gay flag” is asked about the rainbow pride flag. like you’re correct, im not using a specific gay man flag, but also why should anyone have to use a specific flag? 

im not an island, and as a trans masc gay i don’t just feel solidarity, connection and understanding from other trans gay men? and i personally feel far more with lesbians, nonbinary people, trans women and bi men (trans and cis) than i often do with cis gay men (generally speaking) so as an individual i always feel this like... very invasive assumption that a label is more important than the feelings? that being put into the right box is more important than symbols of solidarity? 

it’s one of the reasons why i adore the baker flag so much - i feel connected to people who came before me, many of whom died fighting for their and my rights, died to AIDS, died to violence; not to mention there’s a feeling of reaching out into an uncaring world to stand with people like you that i feel from it that is what this community is about to me. i love the iterations of the process flag and how they remind us of those in our community who need more support, and how alive it feels as a growing symbol, and how it’s about looking forward and being better.

hell it’s why i like Specific Flags for the lbt+ - because cis gay men can take up a lot of air even now, they’re a call for solidarity and community beyond the bounds of identity to me... in a way “the gay man flag” just has never felt personally? (it’s always felt like a “i want one too!!!” flag to me... which is a shame because i see the desire from trans gay men to be seen and heard, but don’t feel like that was carried to this symbol in spirit, y’know? and again - i use the word ‘personally’ for a reason rather than to project that reason onto others, it’s my personal reason why i won’t be using it or any others that give me that vibe)

ive definitely moved past “this sucks what the fuck” feelings but figuring out where they came from was helpful lol

[your-dietician]

65 People Who Came Out In The Last 10 Years

New Post has been published on https://medianwire.com/65-people-who-came-out-in-the-last-10-years/

65 People Who Came Out In The Last 10 Years

In honor of National Coming Out Day, let’s take a look at some of the people who have come out in the last 10 years…

He came out in early 2020 on Twitter as gay:

It is 11:20pm. I just came out on stage at a @jimjefferies show in San Diego. Yep, I’m gay. Been gay this whole time. Tired of worrying about what people would think of me. Tired of worrying about what it would do to my career.

07:26 AM – 11 Jan 2020

Twitter: @theonlydjqualls

In 2019, Stacey responded to a meme about her being gay.

Abbi got engaged to her girlfriend this summer:

14.

Nikki Blonsky (from Hairspray)

She came out in a 2020 Instagram post dedicated to her girlfriend:

He came out as bisexual in 2019:

I want to make something else clear I know there’s been a lot of questions about my sexuality and yes I am a bisexual men I date women but I am also attracted to men so please respect that too thank you

03:27 AM – 09 Aug 2019

Twitter: @aaroncarter

23.

Nicholas Petricca of Walk the Moon

He came out as bisexual on Instagram in 2020.

Her girlfriend posted this picture a few years back during Pride.

26.

Velma

Warner Bros/ Twitter: @KlPASH3R

Velma made her on screen lesbian debut in the new Trick or Treat Scooby-Doo! movie.

The gymnast came out as bi/pan in October 2020:

A thread for #NationalComingOutDay

For a long time I’ve known that I wasn’t straight. But because of certain very personal reasons, I always rejected that side of me. Earlier this year I finally understood that I’m bi/pan (still trying to figure that one out) but…

08:58 PM – 11 Oct 2020

Twitter: @DanellJLeyva

I also realized that, as of now at least, I’m not attracted to cis men. (That comes with those personal reasons I just mentioned). But I felt that it was time for me to finally share this with you all.

As most of you can imagine, this is absolutely terrifying….

08:58 PM – 11 Oct 2020

Twitter: @DanellJLeyva

She came out as pansexual on Twitter:

I am pansexual. This means that I am attracted to people at a level that surpasses gender identity or sexual orientation. I love people for their souls and internal beauty.

02:11 AM – 31 Jan 2018

Twitter: @JazzJennings__

34.

Loki

From the moment I joined @LokiOfficial it was very important to me, and my goal, to acknowledge Loki was bisexual. It is a part of who he is and who I am too. I know this is a small step but I’m happy, and heart is so full, to say that this is now Canon in #mcu #Loki 💗💜💙

09:36 AM – 23 Jun 2021

Disney+/ Twitter: @iamkateherron

The director of Loki said Loki was bisexual.

In 2018, he said he was a member of the queer community:

As a member of the queer community, I understand the importance of living openly, being counted, and happily owning who I am. That’s how I’ve always lived my life…

02:12 PM – 05 Mar 2018

38.

François Arnaud from Schitt’s Creek

42.

Country singer, Billy Gilman

He came out in a since-deleted YouTube video from 2014.

43.

T.J. Osborne of the country duo Brothers Osborne

44.

Olympic swimmer Ian Thorpe

The four time Survivor contestant came out as bisexual earlier this year:

And for my Republican Colleagues, and anyone else who matters, Yeah I’m Bisexual.

Am I committing crimes?? If so come get me. Let us ALL live with dignity.

Ask yourself if you support people, or the fucked dogma you’ve been fed. #ozzyisBi

09:33 AM – 08 Apr 2022

Twitter: @OzzyLusth

54.

Shannon Purser, aka Barb from Stranger Things

58.

Teen Wolf star, Charlie Carver

61.

Héloïse Letissier aka Christine and the Queens

The singer said she had romantic relationships with men and woman in a Notes App apology about her 2018 song “Girls”:

Twitter: @RitaOra

65.

And last but not least, Jason Mraz

Join BuzzFeed as we celebrate National Coming Out Day from Oct. 10–14. You can explore more coming out and queer content over on our LGBTQ page.

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Read full article here

[tedcruzisthezodiackiller]

“all queer media is one dimensional, tropey, mass market, and made for teenagers-” not true. look harder

Memorial: Mike and Benson have been together for a few years and are in the middle of determining if they're going to stay together when Mike learns that his estranged father is terminally ill, and goes to Japan to reconcile with him before his death. meanwhile Mike’s mother stays with Benson in the US. my favorite part of the novel was the part in Japan, exploring the relationship between Mike and his father (TW for racism and abuse) 

the luminous dead: w/w romance between a spelunker on a mission on an alien planet and the women who hired her for unknown reasons, who’s stationed on the surface and communicates with the mc through her high-tech caving suit. toxic but intriguing romance, killing eve and TMA fans you will enjoy this (TW for graphic descriptions of injury) 

The Vanished Birds: explores a society that was created after the Earth has been environmentally destroyed and humanity has moved onto space stations, and all space travel and commerce is controlled by corporations. queerness isn’t the focus of this book but many of the main characters are queer. beautiful writing, will make you super depressed in the best way (TW for child abuse) 

The Color Purple: Celie is separated from her sister in childhood when she’s forced into an abusive marriage by her father, but she continues to write to her over the years. an important part of the novel is the relationship that develops between Celie and her husband’s lover Shug. what I love about this book is that its an important look at misogynoir and abuse of vulnerable people, but Celie ultimately gets her happy ending. (TW for abuse, racism, sexual assault, incest) 

The Miseducation of Cameron Post: the first half chronicles the early life of Cameron, a closeted lesbian growing up in rural Montana in the 90′s. the second half is about Cameron’s experience in a conversion camp. I love the writing of this book, it’s very atmospheric. I felt like I could picture Cameron’s town in my sleep. (TW for conversion therapy, homophobia, self-harm) 

boys run the riot: manga, a trans boy who wants to work in men’s fashion one day works with two of his classmates to design and create a clothing line. I’ve only read the first volume so I cant speak on the series as a whole. the MC is only out to some people, so he gets misgendered and still wears the girls’ uniform in school. this might be difficult for some people to read, although there isn’t too much overt transphobia if I remember correctly (at least in the first volume)

The 57 bus: nonfiction, follows the stories of an agender teen who experienced a hate crime, and the boy who attacked them. A tough read, but a really important look at the justice system, racism, transphobia, and restorative justice (TW for transphobia and homophobia, violence, depictions of police and the justice system) 

our dreams at dusk: manga series about an LGBT+ center in Japan. follows gay, trans, and asexual characters. an interesting look at queer issues in Japan. also the art is gorgeous (TW for homophobia and transphobia) 

in the dream house: memoire about the author’s experience in an abusive sapphic relationship. super important, as abuse in queer relationships is so seldom talked about. hard to read but the writing is very lyrical and poetic, and beautiful (TW for abuse) 

ask the passengers:  mc is a girl who’s falling in love with another girl, while staying closeted from her gay friends because she’s not sure how to identify. the gimmick of the book is that the mc talks about her problems to airplanes in the sky, and this magically touches the lives of the people in the planes. I felt this part of the book was goofy and honestly I think it would be better without it, but I remember that the journey the mc goes through regarding her sexuality made me feel very seen (TW for homophobia) 

king and the dragonflies: written by the author of Felix Ever After. the rest of his books deserve an equal amount of attention. middlegrade, about a boy dealing with the death of his brother and coming to terms with his sexuality. I liked the relationship between King and his family. they weren’t super homophobic but they also weren’t completely accepting at first either, it felt like a very realistic and healthy depiction of a family (TW for homophobia, racism, child abuse) 

haven’t personally read, on my tbr: Giovanni’s Room, Nevada, Stone Butch Blues, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, My Cat Yugoslavia, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness 

“queer media is all boring period pieces and people getting divorced and experiencing horrible homophobia and tragedy-” not true. look harder

The Magic Fish: graphic novel, a young Vietnamese-American boy reads fairy tales with his mother to help her practice her english, and searches for a way to come out to her. some of my favorite art in a graphic novel, look it up its stunning

Honeygirl: going through quarter life crises and unsure of what to do after earning her PhD, the mc goes to vegas and ends up getting drunkenly married to a woman she doesnt know. the mc’s relationship with academia was very relatable to me 

whatever: basically just about the mc fucking around with his friends, being in a band, and discovering that hes gay. a lot of fun, love the characters

anything by Alice oseman: Alice Oseman is the only person I trust to write about the fandom experience in YA fiction. my personal fave is iwbft. disclaimer: I haven’t read solitaire, cant say whether its good or gay

Ivy Aberdeen’s Letter to the World: middlegrade, Ivy’s family’s home is destroyed by a tornado, and shes also dealing with the fact that she’s realizing she’s a lesbian. some internalized homophobia, but everyone in Ivy’s life is really accepting and its very sweet

my love mix-up: manga, mc has a crush on a girl in his class and asks to borrow her eraser, and sees the name of a different boy written on it (this is a popular love charm in Japan). boy #2 sees the mc holding the eraser, and thinks HE has a crush on HIM. very wholesome and funny, and one of the few times I’ve read a manga that actually allows a character to have crushes on people of multiple genders. it deals with homophobia in some cases, which makes it feel grounded in reality, but all of the mc’s friends are very accepting, and its very cute. 

The Tarot Sequence: urban fantasy set in a modern magical society, mc is the heir to a family of the magical aristocracy, but since his family was killed he’s fallen from grace, is broke, and works as a mercenary for other powerful families. he tries to unravel the mystery of his family’s death on the side. m/m romance and found family. love the characters and the world building, and the author is planning for this to be a NINE book series. next book is coming out May 2022!! (TW for sexual assault) 

In Other Lands: mc gets recruited to go to magical summer camp, except he’s genre-savvy, hates fighting, and misses technology. super funny satire of portal fantasy books, but will also have you aching for the mc? elliot schafer my beloved 

havent personally read, on my tbr: a hero at the end of the world, the poster children, tell me how you really feel, heavy vinyl

we absolutely do have a long way to go in regards to queer representation, but it frustrates me to no end when I see post claiming that queer fiction is all one specific type of story. there are lots of queer creators out there writing unique, thoughtful, beautiful stories who deserve our support! if theres a particular type of queer fiction you would like to see, do a little digging because its likely that SOMETHING similar exists. it just doesnt exist on like disney+

also @lgbtqreads is an incredible resource, if you want to read something gay and have a specific genre or type of story in mind I highly recommend looking around on their blog 

additional recommendations welcome!