#i mean they definitely have enough trauma to qualify don't they?

[mazzystar24]

I totally get I just finished my exam week (I had to do a math test at 8am Sat😭). Wish you luck tho!

Also do you have any good buddies fics? Destiel too?

Math test at 8am is BRUTAL

Thank you I will definitely need it😭😭

Unfortunately I only have buddie fics to offer😔:

(Warning I do like a fair amount of angst)

Right where you left me - by hyacinthusbloom ( @thebloomingheather on here) - when I say I might be as big a fan of this fic as I am of the show I MEAN IT, you do not even understand how much I love this fic or how obsessed I am with it, I have reread it so many times despite it still being in progress that I think I may genuinely qualify it as addictive, me and @estheticpotaeto legit wait for updates like a dog at the author’s door istg, like everything about this fic is flawless and written with so much love and emotion and the way the writer captures the effects of trauma is just amazing because it’s so rare to find this level of diving into ptsd and the more uncomfortable aspects of it that are more taboo or less understandable to people, like I can yap for an hour about this fic but I’ll just say READ IT

Any fic by daisies_and_briars ( @cal-daisies-and-briars on here) but one of my favourites of his is Both blade and branch and muscle memory and four can keep a secret and appetency and the two she’s writing right now (change the prophecy and steal my sunshine) -wow at that point I should’ve left it as any fic because that’s a lot of favourites😭😭

Any fic by @loserdiaz plus with them you get enough lighthearted fics to even out the angst

Ooo I’m not sure what their username on here is but lizzybizzyzz is also another writer who I just love their fics

Fractals by hobbitprincess - one of those fics that make you squeak at how much love these fictional characters have for each other

Beneath my mother tongue by archerincombat - the angst the writing the way they hit every single emotional beat? Amazing

Anything by this_is_moony_lovegood

Leave the light on (I’ll be coming home) by HMSLusitania - the presumed dead Eddie fic of your dreams, a constant reread for me it’s just 👌

Anchored by adorkable_buddie - sorry Chris you gotta be injured sometimes just for us to get our buddie dreams hope you understand and we appreciate your sacrifice 😔🫶

empty, broken, lonely, hoping by daniweb - when I tell you I love the presumed dead trope you best believe I’m telling the truth because the ANGST?? Yes please, LISTEN it’s the closest you can get to the emotional beats of killing off a character without ever killing them off because you love them and happy endings too much so TIM MINEAR TAKE NOTES I KNOW YOU SAID YOU LOVE THEM TOO MUCH TO KILL THEM, anyways back to to the point this fic again is just flawless execution by the writer like absolutely love it

every time we stop talking (the universe starts screaming) by withmeornotatall - emotional destruction and I absolutely love it, divorce era 2.0 and it HITS

Home is where it hurts- by rileyblue2001 - can you tell I hate the Buckley parents because I HATE the Buckley parents

The one with the return of the sex addiction by buddiefication (pumpkincreamcoldbrew) - I’ve reccomended so much angst so have a funny little light hearted buddie fic with the father bobby vibes we all love❤️❤️

Okay back to the angst tho 😭😭- out of ashes by Ashavahishta - AHHHHHHH THIS FIC JUST AHHHHH STOP THE WAY I WOULD DIE FOR A FOLLOW UP FIC TO THIS AHHHH I LOVE IT SM AND ITS LEGIT A ONE SHOT I CRIED SO HARD

Falling Slowly; Sing Your Melody (I’ll Sing It Loud) by Princessfbi ( @princessfbi on here who I also love sm of their fics so highly suggest just going on their page and looking through all the fics) - absolutely love it, legit gave me brain rot and got me obsessed for a GOOD while

I'm comin' back, don't let me go by wikiangela ( @wikiangela on here also love love their fics again so check them out but this one is probably my favourite of theirs)

Okay this is looking more and more like a uni reading list so I’m gonna shut up now but I hope you enjoy these fics and that a few of them emotionally damage you like they did me because I love to spread the joy (see: pain and suffering) 🫶🫶

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

i never noticed the hints towards pale Solfef! in light of that, i think it's interesting that Eridan pursued Feferi in the pale quadrant while desperately wanting her to end up in his flushed one, meanwhile Feferi pursues Sollux in the flushed quadrant, despite them seemingly destined to be pale lol guess seadwellers are used to swimming up current lmao

that said, what are your thoughts on Erifef? do you think Eridan actually wants her flushed? or is that another subconscious tactic of his to keep her(someone he deeply cares about) by his side?

personally, i'm of the opinion that though they do care about eachother, they could never work out flushed. i think Eridan -though very enthusiastic about her and thinks they share the same troubles that comes with being so high on the hemospectrum, as well as isolated via physical location and the requirements to meet seadweller expectations- doesn't actually want redrom with her, but he knows pale isn't 'good enough' plus prefers to go to Karkat for all the traditional pale stuff. dude doesn't realize they can just be friends and she won't abandon him(cue Feferi abandoning him the monent she leaves quadrants with him, further exacerbating that fear lol)

meanwhile, on Feferi's end, it's too much to go into here but i think she has struggles with being present with others. so though i think she also deeply cares about Eridan and was absolutely miffed he was going to Karkat for things that she(being his moirail at the time) should have been talked to about, i think she has a lot of character development to go through before she can really pursue quadrants as something she needs and wants and not something she thinks she should do. i think flipping pale with Sollux could have been that catalyst but alas :' ] it seems Hussie changed his mind

So, personally, I do actually think Eridan's flushed feelings for Feferi are real... kind of. The fact that he has 0 self-awareness really makes talking about his feelings difficult because everything needs to be qualified with "this would change if he were capable of taking a step back."

The "kind of" here is because I don't think it's necessarily Feferi, the PERSON, that Eridan's in love with, but rather, the Feferi that exists in his head. To Eridan, Feferi is a bubbly, adorable, cheerful girl who's nice to everybody and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. He literally says that he thinks she might be too nice to have a pitch relationship with somebody, which is definitely not true, as Feferi can be plenty mean, and there's plenty to find flawed about her.

The first reason for this mistaken belief is that that's definitely the way that Feferi believes herself to be, so it's how she presents herself, and Eridan believes people when they tell him stuff. The second is because, in Eridan's shitty, friendless life, Feferi has been his one constant - the person who's always been there for him, the only person who's consistently nice to him (until he meets Karkat, and even then, Karkat is master of the mixed signals, and Eridan implies that death threats and insults are regular banter between them), and oftentimes the one person who cheers him up when he's at his lowest.

I think a lot of people in the fandom are too hard on Feferi - she's genuinely well-meaning, and most of her bad points come from ignorance and privilege, not manipulativeness or spite. She doesn't consciously realize it when she's treating Eridan poorly, and she makes real efforts to be a good moirail to him, even though he doesn't usually reciprocate those efforts. I think she suffers from the Umbridge Effect, where Eridan's problems - being on such the extreme end of trauma and anxiety - almost feel alien and unreal, while everyone knows a Feferi, so Feferi draws in some undue vitriol.

She has a few outbursts at him when he's egregiously rude for no reason, but given she's been dealing with his severe mental illness for so long, and takes his threats and casteism at least semi-seriously, I don't blame her for being exhausted and snapping from time to time. She's genuinely just not equipped to help him with his problems - lest we forget, she's also 13. Otherwise, everything else she does to harm him is something she just genuinely doesn't consciously realize is a problem, because she's got a hard time seeing past her privilege.

For example, using Eridan for feeding Gl'bgolyb without gratitude - the thing is, societally, it's his job, and HAS always been a violet's job. Not only that, but given his... everything, if she asked him if he's okay with doing it, he'd definitely insist that he is, and in fact, that it's HIS duty and HIS privilege. He also started INCREDIBLY young, so it's genuinely just been like this for their entire lives. It's a bit shitheaded for Feferi to not realize how much she benefitted from this arrangement, but, again, it's a crime of ignorance, not malice.

In a similar vein, I think she stayed in her moirallegiance for as long as she did partially because she got an ego boost out of it. She commiscerates with Kanaya over how burdensome he is, and she gets to say things like "we are not better than anybody," which she absolutely doesn't actually feel, given how she won't shut up about being a royal when talking to Jade. She's elated to break up with him, her narration celebrating with a big "you're FREE!!!" and it's not a coincidence that said break-up happens after Eridan's no longer useful to her - she outright states that he can't threaten their species anymore now that they're in the game and everyone else is dead.

BUT, I think she ALSO means it when she says that she stayed in that moirallegiance because she was genuinely worried for him. Both this statement and the above paragraph can be simultaneously true. There's nothing about Eridan that's actually that offensive to Feferi, and I really do think she means it when she says she wants to stay friends. His constant emotional crises have just left her burnt out in terms of sympathy, and she never really knew how to handle him in the first place, but in their first conversation together, she's still genuinely making an effort to get him to open up about his feelings and to cheer him up about his failed kismesistude.

After the breakup and his failed confession, the thing is, he does accept that rejection! ... Kind of. (Again with the kind ofs.)

He outright tells her he accepts that she doesn't like him like that... BUUUT, is trying to get her to go ashen with him and Sollux, instead. THIS is the "trying to keep her with him" angle you're talking about, IMO; I think his flushed feelings are genuine, even if they're aimed at this idealized version of Feferi moreso than the real deal. Without Feferi in the picture, I think Eridan and Sollux would have a completely lukewarm mutual dislike. The sheer lukewarmness is probably why Erisolsprite is so stable - they're completely mid for each other.

The realness of his flushed feelings for Feferi is, incidentally, part of why I think him and Roxy would work so well together - if this idealized version of Feferi (bubbly, adorabloodthirsty, pink, cute, cheerful, and kind) is his Type... well.

I also think he and Feferi would work pretty well as just normal friends; they might have fallen into that dynamic on their own if they'd met later on in life. In a hypothetical golden ending, I think they do fall into it once EriKar happens, since moirallegiances are stated to have a stabilizing effect on a troll's other relationships.

[hiiragi7]

hi there!! i've been reading some of the discussions you've had & many of them are super informative and some comforting to read from the perspective of someone who's questioning if they might be plural/have a CDD. i really appreciate ur blog & the views and experiences u share on it, it feels like a warm hug amidst The Horrors of Syscourse.

i've had something on my mind though. this is probably a silly question, but it's possible to have a CDD without (C)PTSD, right? admittedly i'm kind of just asking this for reassurance while i'm on my own discovery journey. like. i have experienced traumatic events and some of it is ongoing & i'm still living with the people responsible, but i don't think i fit the PTSD criteria due to not experiencing flashbacks or strong emotions related to the events—i usually just feel totally empty & detached from it. i still believe i've been negatively affected by the events hence considering them traumatic, but that doesn't include any kind of flashbacks.

i've been trying to look into it & find answers but i've seen a lot of conflating of having experienced trauma with having PTSD, so most of what i find is "can you be plural/have a CDD without trauma" discourse.

i think it'd be neat to see more conversations about this but free to ignore this ask if u don't want to answer it/if u don't feel equipped to! wishing u the best. have a great day!!

This is actually a very interesting question.

I've read a lot of medical literature on trauma, and each author in the field seems to define what qualifies as PTSD or PTSD symptoms differently, which also lines up with my own experiences with medical professionals in practice. In general, me simply being traumatized was enough for me to be given an automatic PTSD diagnosis, regardless of which therapist or psychiatrist I saw. Some professionals I saw were very specific with what they called what, others were a lot more loose with it.

I've seen a lot of differing definitions and academic debate over what qualifies as a flashback, dissociation, a posttraumatic symptom, and so on. That is to say, it can all be very vague.

For example, there are other forms of flashbacks that exist outside of the well-known ones; some people only relive traumatic events emotionally, or through repeated thought processes, or somatic pain. A lot aren't even aware these are flashbacks, because it's experienced as 'random' emotions or pain or spirals or some other response, and a lot have trouble figuring out what even triggers these responses.

Would these experiences fall under what we call flashbacks in PTSD? Well, it probably depends on who you ask. And, in practice, whether someone with these experiences gets diagnosed with PTSD or a mood disorder or a personality disorder or somatic pain syndrome depends on the medical professional evaluating them.

To further complicate it, a lot of people don't experience overt c/PTSD symptoms until they are no longer living in the traumatic situation, which, for people who develop cPTSD, means they may not show obvious symptoms until a very, very long time after the trauma started. I didn't start getting "classic" PTSD flashbacks and "waking up in a panic attack in the middle of the night" type nightmares about the trauma until I wasn't around the people who did it anymore. However, I have experienced many other trauma-related symptoms and heavy dissociation ever since I was very very little. Before I was diagnosed with PTSD in highschool, I was diagnosed with a lot of other things first.

There's also just the fact that, for whatever reason, people don't all develop the same symptoms in response to trauma. Some people with very complex trauma never experience classic PTSD symptoms. Some people are very dissociative and numb, or develop mood disorders, or obsessive-compulsive symptoms, or somatic symptoms, or eating disorders, or some combination of things. Some people never externally harm themselves or cope using substances while others develop addictions to these things.

In addition, some people's experiences with trauma don't fall under the PTSD criteria's definition of trauma, so even if other symptoms are present they don't "technically" fit criteria. And sometimes medical professionals use their own judgement and diagnose these people with PTSD anyway, and sometimes they don't.

Plenty of people diagnosed with other childhood trauma-based disorders besides CDDs also don't fit c/PTSD criteria or show many c/PTSD symptoms or receive a comorbid c/PTSD diagnosis for whatever reason. It's complicated and messy.

This is all to say, I've encountered medical professionals who treat PTSD as synonymous with "traumatized" and are very loose with what they call PTSD and I've also encountered medical professionals who are very strict about the criteria and are very insistent on only diagnosing people who fit that, and I've met a lot of professionals somewhere in the middle as well. I've also encountered plenty who would much rather focus on helping the symptoms than on what the diagnosis is or isn't, and who don't really like the way mental health diagnosis is structured in the first place.

So, to come back to your question... I don't think there really is an objective answer to it, though personally I'd just say "sure it's possible, and I wouldn't really worry about it much."

In the end, what I've found is that it doesn't actually really matter that much? Regardless of whether there is comorbid PTSD or whether there isn't (or whether it's delayed onset or etc), in the end what you're dealing with if you have a CDD is still trauma, and the treatment for that is more or less the same, regardless of what you call it. There might be differences in, say, approaches to medication specifically, or specific symptoms, but even that is often just throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. Honestly, in my experience, treatment mostly looks different based on symptoms and individual needs rather than diagnoses, really.

In general, I find that a lot of people dealing with trauma and mental illness tend to over-focus on diagnosis and getting it right and trying to figure out whether they "really" have something or whether they're mistaken or somehow faking or so on. I think that's an unhelpful approach to it; there's no objective way to confirm that sort of thing, and either way you still need ways to cope with your symptoms, and coping skills are useful regardless of diagnosis. Learning how to ground yourself is useful regardless of whether you "really" dissociate that bad, learning emotional regulation skills is useful regardless of whether you "really" have severe mood swings, learning calming techniques and self-care and how to be gentle with yourself are good things for everyone to learn, coping skills are not just for people with certain diagnoses. In fact, you don't even need a diagnosis of anything to do these things.

And with trauma, like... it's all just trauma processing in the end, really.

I'll even go as far to say that even if you don't have PTSD, books and resources for PTSD might still be useful to you if you have a CDD or another trauma-related disorder, since a lot of symptoms overlap with other disorders and especially with trauma the recommendations for what to do about it tend to be applicable to a lot of different situations outside of strictly PTSD.

I realize I rambled a long time just to say "well, it's complicated and depends on what we mean by PTSD, but also it's all trauma anyway" but I hope this was helpful still?

I'm also glad to hear what you said about my blog, it was very nice to read.

[somepoetwannabe]

You don't have to answer, but I'm just curious:

What, to you, makes DID/OSDD more "proven" then non-disordered systemhood? That seems to be the point you keep coming back to.

Because OSDD/DID weren't always medically recognized. Does that mean before they were medically recognized, plurality itself wasn't real?

You INHERENTLY can't "prove" a subjective experience, and to apply that logic to anything psychological in nature is to ignore the limitations of psychology as a science, which is itself anti-scientific.

I don't have dyslexia. If I suddenly declared that dyslexia isn't real because I don't have it and nobody can objectively 100% without a shadow of a doubt prove to me that it is, regardless of how much supportive evidence there is, I'd still be wrong.

I will never experience the same experiences as a dyslexic person. Doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that the patterns in the wider human population heavily suggest that it's a neurodivergency that exists, because hey, there are all of these people with dyslexia symptoms!

Similarly, there are all of these people claiming to have symptoms of plural experiences without trauma. Not my experience, but ignoring it would be stupid.

And the idea that it must not be "real plurality," but that it could be something else is... I hate to say it, but that's ableist. "Ableist" in this case being used as a word for prejudice against neurodivergent people, yes including those whose neurodivergency may not be a disability in a vacuum but very much is within a societal context, such as endogenic systems.

(^ I could write a lot more on this point in particular, of why the word "ableism" actually is applicable in this situation, but that's ultimately not the point of this ask.)

First off using people with psychosis as your argumentative scapegoat just alienates psychotic systems, and yes, those two things don't cancel out. Even if it was psychosis that doesn't rule out systemhood as a possibility, and the possible interactions between psychosis and plurality definitely aren't studied enough to make that claim.

Also you're inherently promoting the idea that neurodivergent people should not be trusted to speak on their own experiences, which is ableism. I don't think there's any room to argue on that fact.

Especially given that plurality as a subject is extraordinarily under-researched. Even OSDD/DID are far from fully understood.

- A (traumagenic!) system member with a passion for psychology who doesn't really appreciate how y'all have presented psychology as a field.

(Sorry if I come off as rude, I speak rather bluntly but I'm not trying to offend. I am genuinely trying to engage in productive conversation. /Gen)

DID/OSDD is medically recognized, with an accepted theory of how it is formed and a known way/ways to treat it. That is what I regard as “proof” so to speak. You are right, DID/OSDD were not always medically recognized, and I would not claim they were not real prior to medical recognition. However, I do not claim endogenics are completely impossible or definitely do not exist, nor do I refuse to treat them with empathy and respect. I simply offer alternative explanations for endogenic experiences, and possibilities more medically supported than the idea of them being systems. Because of this, I am not entirely sure what your point is here. Just because something might be possible doesn’t mean I should immediately believe it. What I am saying is, without substantial evidence, I have no reason to believe in the idea of endogenic systems being possible. You cannot expect me to trust claims, and I hope you can acknowledge why I may not. Especially online. The idea you cannot prove a subjective experience is…interesting. I am no expert on matters of psychology – I have no qualifications and am simply a high school student with an interest in it – so I am not qualified to speak on that. However, I am yet to see psychology support the idea of endogenic systems. I am also unsure what you mean by “anti-science”. Again, I do not actively claim endogenics are not real, as there is as little evidence to support that as there is to support that they are real. It is not that nobody can 100% prove to me it is, but rather nobody can prove to me at all (as far as I have seen). “Regardless of how much supportive evidence there is"…there is no (or at least none I have been exposed to) evidence for endogenics, but please feel free to give resources if you have any. I am open to be proven wrong. “I will never experience the same experiences as a dyslexic person. Doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that the patterns in the wider human population heavily suggest that it's a neurodivergency that exists, because hey, there are all of these people with dyslexia symptoms!” People lie. That is a reality of life. There is proof of dyslexia [neurobiology supports the idea of dyslexia and there is an understanding of how it occurs in people, though not what causes it] and they are medically recognized. I do not ignore endogenic experiences, as that would be irrational. I would be screaming into a void and arguing against a blank wall. Listening to endogenics is something I must do to come to a reasonable conclusion on whether I believe there is a possibility it is possible to be endogenic. I’d need you to elaborate on the ableist point. I’m not quite sure how it is ableist to propose that there may be other explanations for endogenic experiences. For me, this would only apply if endogenics were supported by psychology and had a suitable theory on how they occur but I was simply choosing to ignore the already fitting explanation. That is not what I am doing. I am not claiming to know other people's experiences better than they do, I am not saying for a definite I know what causes endogenics to experience something akin to plurality. Also, you cannot be ableist to someone who is not disabled. You may say or do things that stem from ableist belief systems, but you cannot be ableist to an abled person. I don’t understand what you mean by “may not be a disability in a vacuum but very much is within a societal context”, you are either disabled or you are not. While someone’s disability may not affect them every second, even when their disability is not affecting them disabled people are disabled nonetheless. Please do feel free to elaborate on these points. (1/2)

[unfortunatesal]

Failgirls don't have to fail

I've been thinking about failgirls a lot recently, becuase god I love them so much, and I've also had discussions about them, very heated ones in fact, and I've come to a few thoughts!

(Spoilers for Chainsaw Man and I guess Madoka)

So, a few points:

Failgirls do not need to fail to be failgirls. Being a failgirl is more about the mindset and attitude than anything, to me. I feel like Misato from Evangelion is definitely a failgirl, she is a disaster of a huma being bit she is very successful! Still a failgirl though! And Homura Akemi fails over and over and over again, but I still don't think she qualifies as a failgirl. This isn't super intuitive though, so I want to ask this:

What is a failgirl? Okay, so people might disagree with me on this and that's valid! We don't all have the same conception of what a failgirl is, and cultural osmosis can't do all the work for us. But the best way I can describe it is a girl who is openly and clearly a disaster. Be it someone who is an anxious, blubbering, terrified mess, like Kobeni from Chainsaw Man, someone who makes absolutely terrible life choices like Himeno from Chainsaw Man, or someone who is incapable of interacting with others properly like Asa from Chainsaw Man, a failgirl must be a complete and utter mess of a human being who is doomed to never get better, either because they don't want to or becuse they simply can. The important nuance being the word "openly". As such:

Someone cannot be a failgirl if they hide their failgirlness. This is important, I feel. Yes, Homura Akemi does make bad life choices, and struggles to interact with people, but she acts aloof enough to disguise it in most cases. In order for someone to be a fairlgirl, they must be seen and recognized failgirling. They must trip over themselves, they must get so wasted they start throwing up, they must clearly and openly show the world how much of a complete trainwreck of a human being they are. Someone who hides and buries and represses their innter failgirl is not truly a failgirl, in my eyes. And all of this brings me to my next point:

Being a failgirl isn't necessarily a bad thing. Being a failgirl can be healthy! Because being a failgirl means being unable to hide your inner feelings, it means being unable to repress how deeply mentally ill you are. And... that's good! I, personally, would rather be a Kobeni than a Homura, because while Kobeni is a complete trainwreck of a person with a lot of trauma and anxiety, she lets it all out. Homura lets the trauma and anxiety pile up until it fucking explodes inside of her, which seems a lot worse to me. Kobeni's inability to hide how she feels is a blessing in disguise, and while Kobeni is probably not the best example of a well-adjusted person, letting yourself fail, letting yourself be pathetic, lettng yourself trip and fall and fuck up and make terrible choices is good for your mental health! That's why I think the world needs more failgirls who are alloqwed and allow themselves to be failgirls.

[yanoharuhito]

syscourse thoughts ... i promise im not a fucking syscourser but i have a thought

i think too much of the conversation surrounding "endogenics" is focused on whether or not they're real, and like ... i definitely do not think they qualify as systems in the same sense that those with DID/OSDD do but there's probably SOMETHING going on

like if whatever endos are experiencing isnt 'real' then endos would not be as widespread as they are. i think the biggest problem with them is the way they claim the label of 'system' from those with DID/OSDD. a good chunk of endos, i believe, are probably experiencing a whole other thing removed from systems entirely.

that being said, there are people who call themselves endos that likely DO have trauma substantial enough to have formed a system and are simply in denial about it ... those who understand the existence of their system but may not [want to] remember what formed them. i can sympathize with this approach (i still don't like the usage of the endo label, though.)

i think, wholeheartedly, that a lot of those who call themselves 'endos' suffer from delusions or psychosis, much in the same way people with DAs/IRLs do. this may be a reason why so many endogenic """systems""" tend to have a large amount of fictional characters within them, not dissimilar to fictives

honestly, the best thing to do is to completely separate the supposed endo experience from DID/OSDD spaces altogether. the best first thing to do would be to come up with a label for this group of people that does NOT rely on existing terms coined for systems. like, a whole new vocab needs to be created. i think the continued use of the label 'endo' would be problematic given its ties to syscourse and like. -genic implies that there are other ways to be part of a system diverging from trauma. and there is just no evidence for that right now.

additionally i would love for these people to be studied GENUINELY i don't mean that as a joke i dont mean it to be patronizing i seriously want to see a medical study geared at 'endos.' i want to know what the overlapping demographics are, things like that. because if these ppl can find their own place outside of the realm of systems and establish a community grounded by evidence i truly believe SO much of the discourse would go away. or at least die down a bit.

at this point, i think most anti-endos JUST want their space. pros and antis have such such such differing stances and experiences that i truly think it would just be better for endos to migrate away from system spaces entirely. because like... i dont think whats going on with them has anything to do with DID/OSDD, or any way a person can be a system.

[perfectharmonyloveschaos]

I stumbled upon this video of the Filoni & Favreau interview that came out for The Mandalorian Season 3 [here is the link to the interview] that people have tried to reference towards 'supporting' the idea of Sabine being force sensitive and it made me realise something. Neither of them actually say anything about her being force-sensitive. They never mention it. Take note to what they both say exactly:

Favreau: "That's not necessarily true. Yeah, it doesn't happen that often. Although I would argue that Sabine is maybe a little bit of both." Filoni: "I dunno if I'd call her a Jedi though. The interesting question is how you define when someone is a Jedi."

Now, what does this snippet actually tell us? Favreau himself sees Sabine as being a little bit both Mandalorian and Jedi, assumingly due to her being trained by both Mandalorians and Jedi. While Filoni argues that and questions if she'd qualify to be considered a Jedi. He explicitly brings up deliberately, the concept of questioning what makes someone a Jedi. How do you define what being a Jedi means? Now, most people tend to see it as being someone who was trained by a Jedi in the way of the Jedi order, wields a lightsaber, and uses the force. But Filoni, without needing to, tries to make people question that.

And I think this will definitely play into Ahsoka and how Sabine has been portrayed.

I don't think Sabine is force-sensitive.

She was never hinted at or shown to possess any force abilities within the show (sensing people/knowing things before they happen, super-human reflexes) and she spent years around two Jedi both of whom were able to sense other force sensitives easily enough. People try to say that Kanan claiming she's too "Mandalorian" during the Trials of the Darksaber was hinting at Sabine locking herself out of the force as in that she was force-sensitive but somehow blocking herself from those abilities subconsciously, however, that makes no sense since the context of the scene is based totally on her, like Din Djarin during the Book of Boba Fett, being unable to properly wield the Darksaber due to her emotions and hesitancy. Her fears and guilt was stopping the force that exists all around her from naturally flowing through her and into the darksaber, hindering her from wielding it properly. How could she block herself from the force to the point where she shows no signs of it, and yet Kanan notices it and does nothing about it before the Darksaber incident? Do people really think Kanan wouldn't have sensed and tried to train Sabine earlier? That Ezra wouldn't have brought up her force sensitivity after this? And even if he was referring to her being locked out of the force, what about after Trials of the Darksaber when she comes to grips with her guilt, or even after Heroes of Mandalore when she makes amends with her family and past? Why wouldn't she show any force sensitivity after that when she assumingly is now free from her "Mandalorian" ties that blocked her force sensitivity? Because it was never about her being force-sensitive, it was about her wielding the Darksaber.

They could have hinted at Sabine being force-sensitive multiple times throughout the show but never did. No other force-users ever take notice of her. She cannot sense the Kyber crystal in Season 4, but Ezra does sense it much like Kanan sensed the other kyber crystal back in Season 1. She never shows any heightened abilities, senses or reflexes compared to even early Season 1 Ezra who himself was blocked off from the force and struggled to connect or train due to his trauma, and yet still showed signs of his force-sensitivity. We even had Kanan who blocked himself off from the force and yet was still able to be sensed by an untrained Ezra during the pilot. The idea that Kanan, Ezra, or even Ahsoka during the short time she spent with the Ghost Crew, never noticed Sabine's force sensitivity but somehow Ahsoka does post-Rebels is quite frankly ridiculous and somewhat insulting to the bond she had with Kanan and Ezra.

So, what does this have to do with the question Filoni referenced in his interview?

I think it is a hint towards a major point being addressed in Ahsoka: how do you define what makes someone a Jedi?

Our three major Jedi-orientated characters (Ahsoka, Sabine, and Ezra) all portray the different ways someone can be a Jedi without fitting the traditional standard of Jedi. Ahsoka has the force, left the Jedi Order, claims she isn't a Jedi anymore despite following their teachings and wields a lightsaber. Ezra has the force, was taught by Kanan who never finished his training, doesn't follow the entire Jedi code due to his dabblings with the dark side and allowing a level of attachment to his crew and homeworld but still considers himself a Jedi. And Sabine is someone who is learning the Jedi teachings, was taught by a Jedi to wield a lightsaber but doesn't have the force.

They can all be considered Jedi.

Even Sabine, who doesn't have the force.

Because the force doesn't make you a Jedi.

What people don't mention is that in that same interview, Filoni actually says what he believes defines a Jedi. He says:

"The Jedi is a way of training. It's a way of philosophy and being."

Notice that Filoni never mentions the force or being force-sensitive. Another interesting thing to note is that he brings up Jedi being a "way of training" first and foremost, something that is extremely relevant now with all the information we have gotten about Ahsoka training Sabine. Each of these criteria that Filoni mentions is relevant to Sabine, all without making her suddenly force-sensitive. This seems intentional given that Ahsoka had already finished filming by the time this interview was published.

This is the point Filoni is actually trying to get across while misdirecting people in the trailer. After all, why put so much emphasis on Sabine in all the trailers and especially draw attention to her wielding the lightsaber, while also having Shin state "You have no power"? Shin doesn't consider Sabine a Jedi because she isn't force-sensitive.

Filoni would never give something so important away in the trailers. Look at how secretive they've been about basically everything concerning Ahsoka up until this point. His desire to keep things secret has been referenced by Rosario Dawson herself and many of the cast are very careful in interviews to avoid giving anything away. Filoni would never have given such a big twist away so obviously. Plus, if this was some major tease about Sabine being force-sensitive, then Filoni would've had the question taken out of the interview. Nothing in the trailer actually shows Sabine having the force, but that doesn't mean Ahsoka can't teach her to be a Jedi without it.

I do not think that Sabine isn't force-sensitive, but rather that it's a huge misdirect to hide the overarching concept that is going to be challenged through Ahsoka—what defines a Jedi?

[askuprisingrottmnt]

Oof, yeah I get your frustrations. Especially since Donnie is in pain and there's not much you can do.

I don't really understand why it's better to have only 1 doctor. Why can't there be 2? I mean, I guess there might be some conflict, but still....

Alexandri has some experience with first aid, right? Hopefully, that'll be enough until tomorrow. And if things do turn for the worst, his mom would be able to get there, right?

Hello! Alexandri here! Hijacked Mikey's phone to answer your burning questions!

The reason it's better to have only one doctor to handle Donnie is because of the Psychological Ramifications that comes with multiple faces after the traumas that come with being a subject in PBH. Especially with the circumstances, any kind of doctor is going to probably trigger a trauma response, and especially if said Doctor wears a white doctors coat, it most definitely will. My mother is in the practice of making her patients comfortable, and usually that means wearing casual or comfortable clothing.

My mother specializes in the treatment of Betahound recovery and knows much more about the psychological damage done to subjects such as Donatello. She is more equipped and prepared for whatever may come from what has happened to him. Big Mama's doctor (Although I am sure he is well qualified to treat injuries), has no experience in the matter. Which is WHY she is the best option for Donatello's health.

She is trained in every possible treatment, has treated several Betahounds including Markus as well as the other known incomplete Beta (which is what we consider Donatello since he did not finish the first phase), and considering she is Chief Medic where we're from, she is the obvious pick. Big Mama is just being petty against our General, Damon.

And to answer your last question: I am more than experienced in first aid. I just don't have all the tools or training in the bigger issues that I suspect may be happening with him. And I hope so too, because none of us want him to die.

Damon has given us the order to get my mother here if anything goes critical in the night. She could be here in a heartbeat if she needed to. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

~Yours sincerely, Alexandri Van Zauber

[panicdeleter]

the unfortunate experience of having dissociative identity disorder diagnosed young is that I go to a fucking psych hospital tell them I have DID and they just, don't believe me. I had fucking Fuge. Motherfucking fuge. Nowhere online can I even find a description of what fuge looks like during the process other than "bewildered wandering" and these psychs definitely got the abnormal psych class at the local college that I've been told by someone who took the class "doesn't even mention the disorder" so my *absolutely has had dyskinesia like 6 times because my first doctor gave me 5mg of abilify as a 5 year old and wrecked my brain* having ass bitch got put on antipsychotics and because I was also age regressed out the ass, and totally disconnected from reality and deep in some antichrist demon boyfriend fantasy (I have... interesting power fantasies when totally unable to cope that apparently just, took over? like I *was* the maladaptive daydream) yeah I just, I want to go on, I can't I don't have the energy to pop back three stages of disconnected connected thoughts. This is just, how I think. I had a point but the amnesia kicked in and now I'll have to walk back through the thought process to find the idea and pick it back up with a new thread of self. I feel like I'm mostly fragment and not even alter. It's fucking atrocious in here guys. I am sorry for the incoherency. I'm tired of doctors not knowing what this disorder even is while also contradicting themselves by believing they're capable of distinguishing between "true" and "false" did like anyone would honestly pretend to be like this... like BPD and DID... I've met several people diagnosed BPD and like, low and behold after a while of hanging out and just, talking about myself and them BPD, CPTSD, and DID all feel like a spectrum of the same fucking thing. It's the same shit. I have at least one friend who's a diagnosed autistic narcisist and she's *also* dealing with the same underlying shit. Like it's all fucking trauma. I'm fucking pissed about how little information there is about DID vs Schizophrenia and how people don't have enough training to recognize did.... which doesn't respond to medications and shouldn't be medicated in the first place... and it takes 5-12 years on average to get diagnosed. That's 5-12 years of intense psychiatric drugs. 5-12 years of being a fucking hostage to a system that isn't educated about you, being passed from psych to psych as they slowly realize they don't know what's wrong with you, from therapist to therapist as they say they *aren't qualified to help*, direct quote from a therapist of mine. I have no idea how to emphasize on top of this how exausting this all is. How much each intake appointment means ripping into your history of trauma and telling them your entire backstory as much as you can. Every bubble sheet filling how much you struggle. Every psych eval... after psych eval after psych eval. I must have had at least 20. I'm tired. This is a major injustice no one gives a shit about. It won't improve, because unlike autism we don't have marketable devices, unlike schizophrenia we don't seem scary or dangerous, unlike chronic illness we can't be scienced in imperical ways, we can't be examined through the lenses of biopsy and genetic testing... what little research is even out there is mostly about detecting "fakers"... when a commonly known symptom of did is dissociating about your dissociation. I want help. I really, truly want help. There just *isn't help*.

[myrtlesandasphodels]

Hello what Do you think of a Rhaenyra who binds and/or Packs? Do you have headcanons?

Hi, anon! I'm assuming you mean in Argumentative Attachment Style, because that's where I'm qualified to answer. 

Well, in AAS Rhaenyra definitely binds:

not all the time but they do. I also believe that they bind regardless of whether they feel more feminine on any particular day. They bind because it's a simple reminder of their trans identity, which they take comfort in.

As for packing, well... I don't know. In AAS Rhaenyra believes motherhood to be one of the aspects of their character that's the most connected to their feminine side. They like the fact that they birthed their sons, even though it was very hard for them (trauma bonding with their coochie? is that what I'm saying? maybe don't take me too seriously), so I don't see them caring about their genitals enough to bother.

That being said, are you lonely just like me Rhaenyra probably packs.

[kim-ruzek]

Jumping off that Brettsey ask but along the points on PD since that's the one I watch but - APPLAUSE!!!!! You are so right. The hypocrisy of the PD fandom regarding the show runner. That side could not praise her enough the last two seasons on how she was the best now that their ship is no more she's the devil. I don't think the fandom knows how much happens on the back end that we don't see. Jesse choose to leave (how he did it though still has me fuming. He could said it was his choice at the start of it all and we could have avoided all the messiness that resulted afterward) and he has every right to but it's also every writers and showrunners right and choice on what happens to the character going forward. Burzek fans know how much a character and couple can go through believe me we know. So for jay to take a turn is part of the characters progression. I liked this season even though some say it was bad.

Thank you for agreeing with me!! It's nice to know others see the blatant hypocrisy of those stans.

Literally it would be low-key hilarious if it wasn't so baffling how quickly they turned from praising Sigan to saying she doesn't have a clue what she's doing and that she isn't qualified. And it is super hypocritical and they just don't see that.

Honestly this is one of my problems with modern fandom, the rabidness of fans can really get to crazy levels. Like already I saw the issues with the god level pedestal they put Sigan on in the first place, because it was not healthy and wasn't connecting to reality and that just meant inevitably, when Jesse left, that idealistic view they had of her would be shattered when she did her job and wrote him out and that's why they turned on her so quickly and viciously.

And it once again reminds me that despite being obvious, not everyone gets that how writers, showrunners and actors interact with the show and the characters is inherently by definition different to how we as fans do. And there's people in this fandom who really really needs to remember that. Especially with all they say about feeling sorry for Jesse having to see his character end like this and all that crap.

I don't even have a problem with how he announced it-- all the messiness still absolutely came from the fans. Even if he cleared it up sooner, they'd still be rabid fans because there's STILL rabid fans. Because even though more sensible stans (feels like an oxymoron that lol) have calmed down about it now, their lack of logic earlier on has sparked people who really really doesn't get show business to latch onto the idea.

Also why I hate this hypocritical hate for Sigan is because by large, she's wrote a good and in character exit for Jay. Obviously it was rushed, if this was a planned decision a season in advance, they could've truly built up to it and obviously it feels like Jay had to regress a little when it came to his trauma. But that's not Sigan's fault. An actor left, she had to tie up the ends and she did the best she could. And trauma isn't linear. Stans say Jay would never, but sometimes you think you've learnt from your past mistakes and then something happens and you regress again-- everyone thinks they're moving forward until they're not.

It's just so ridiculous to blame Sigan. Because at the end of the day, Jesse left. That has to be addressed in canon. And these shows do tend to like going for the theme of family, and that does mean when an actor leaves, more often than not, the character has to have a rough exit -- especially if they're in a relationship. It's not ideal but there's no alternative.

It's also ridiculous because the writing has been good. Okay maybe not necessarily for Jay, I'll accept others have different takes on that. But for Hailey, and honestly addressing the falling apart of upstead. And the one flaw that might be reasonable-- Hailey not having anyone but Voight to talk to... Was because of the previous showrunner. Sigan can't just suddenly form connections that aren't there, she has to nurture them.

And it's ridiculous because Sigan has breathed new life into the show. There's more storyline coherency and continuation. More characters are interacting. It's still character centric but to a much much less degree. They're starting to genuinely feel like a team again. Everything both sides have been wanting and that just shows that even if maybe the exit part has been fumbled (big if), that she's still been an excellent showrunner. And at the end of the day, it isn't the upstead show.

I also find it deeply hypocritical because an example of a showrunner who doesn't understand the characters or ship... Well that was Eid with seasons 5-9. And an exit that was truly fucked up? Al's. But when I brought up justified criticism I got bombarded with horrible asks in my inbox, including some very racist things.

I just don't get the appeal of hate watching. I mean I do to some extent, because I love me some hate watching and reading into drama... But of shows that aren't my comfort shows or shows I genuinely like. If I'm genuinely invested in the characters, that's not great hate watching because it's only going to cause me pain and I only have room for one show like that in my life so I don't do it.

As well as that, I really don't get the insistence on being bitter towards Burzek fans. It's just absolutely ridiculous. I mean I get that people will privately be a bit petty, that's fine, that's healthy almost. (I mean not totally because then it can get into a bit of an echo chamber and then you're spending your time being all angry and exaggerating things and reality gets distorted). But bringing that public, that's just unhealthy and I don't get the appeal at all.

Anyway this had gotten SUPER LONG so I'll end this rant here lol sorry. Basically, thank you for agreeing with me and these hypocrites are the Worst.

Thank you for asking!! 💖

[scaryarcade]

“to anyone reading this who has plurality-related experiences that they feel don't match up with the experiences of anyone else they know, i want you to know i literally made this blog to invite people to share those experiences and to promote discussion of them!”

Saw this and thought to send something because I’m someone who feels alienated by most plural spaces because so many people seem to believe plurality = being a system (and often nothing else).

For context: I used to be a mixed origin plural system and then just somehow got to a place where that’s not true anymore because I don’t have headmates. Because of this I conceptualise headmates as ‘previous selves’ or a part of my previous self because I’m talking about experiences that happened 5+ years ago. But I also don’t have a good explanation to how this change happened (the plural community is shitty enough about fusion and integration that I tried looking into resources for CDDs about fusion, but the usual stuff I found was that you can’t just unknowingly do fusion & it has to be a conscious effort - which doesn’t describe my experiences). I’m not a system, most likely not a singlet, and also not a median system.

(it could be argued that I have somehow unknowingly resolved trauma by unusual means (me practicing hypnosis, kink, listening to music, and attending peer support meetings), but I still don’t 100% buy that as the reason for why that change happened)

hi, thanks for sharing!! this ask did make me realize i have a habit of treating "plural" as synonymous with "system" without thinking about it, so thank you for bringing this to my attention, and i'm sorry your experience has been so commonly overlooked!

so, re: the idea of fusion in CDD spaces that you brought up, this reminded me--

i actually was reading a post on r/DID the other day that discussed the idea of involuntary/accidental fusion (won't link it because it was about someone's personal experience), and noticed a lot of comments along the lines of "i feel 100% certain that some of my alters fused with each other accidentally/unknowingly, but that can't be the case if we didn't do it on purpose, right?" i've also seen many people who are certain that they've experienced fusion in their system, and that not only was it not purposeful, it was also negative, even traumatic--and i've seen these people get dogpiled repeatedly because their experience contradicts the idea that fusion is ALWAYS a form of healing.

one conception of fusion that deviates slightly from the "it has to be a conscious effort" angle (and may actually be more in line with medical literature but idk off the top of my head) is the idea that fusion occurs when dissociative barriers between alters are completely lowered to the point where the alters no longer perceive themselves as separate; i think this is generally understood to allow for cases where trauma processing/lowering of barriers occurs subconsciously or internally without full conscious awareness.

(definitely not claiming this applies to you specifically though, especially since like you said, unknowingly resolving trauma doesn't feel like it fits with your experience. also, that conception of fusion is specific to the framework of DID/OSDD from a clinical viewpoint, so it won't be useful for everybody anyway)

but anyway fusion, and what qualifies as fusion, is really hotly debated in all kinds of plural spaces isn't it? i wish people weren't so quick to shut discussion of it down. clearly, people are experiencing "multiple headmates becoming one" in a variety of different ways for different reasons. i think your perspective is really valuable and highlights a topic that needs to be discussed a lot more, thank you again for sharing it! and thank you for the important reminder that "plural" =/= "identifies as a system"

[godsprettiestprincess]

Having some very weird specific thoughts about deans gender nonsense and lucifer and accidental baby acquisition.

Like. Dean is The Head of The Household. He's the mama bear and the man of the house and doesn't think he's good with kids (and isn't) but he's such a control freak he usually ends up taking care of them anyway (I'm not qualified to speak on his specific trauma stuff around being forced to take care of sam here but you get the picture)

Anyway. Enter Lucifer. Lucifer, possessing a man who was for idk 6 months? Both a new dad and a wife guy and so definitely knew actual stuff about babies. Lucifer who is also a big brother, and objectively the most qualified to take care of whatever kid was unfortunate enough to land in tfw's laps.

This is ofc obvious to everyone but dean so he has to cave & let lucifer carry & bottle feed this baby despite dean “”knowing”” that he's evil™ and dangerous™ —anyway deans power is undermined and he copes with that by attempting to emasculate lucifer (like he & the show in general do cas) but this categorically doesn't work because 1. Lucifer not only fucks, he's genuine about it, meaning deans delicate persona/house of cards will crumble long before lucifer falls over and 2. Lucifer has his own gender nonsense going on except it's fun gender nonsense and has no problem being a wife or mother (so long as that isn't framed as a demeaning role).

I don't actually remember where I was going with this but I'm pretty sure it boils down to

Dean (who has trauma around being forced into a caretaker role and also is steeped in gender issues) @ Lucifer : what are you, his mother?

Lucifer (does not give a single fuck, also wants a family): :) yeah

[bogkeep]

6 and 13 for Severin Quest, 22 and 23 for Katinka, and 27, 28, 29 and D for Vinta and Timian :>

SORRY I'M LATE THE INBOX NOTIF DISAPPEARED Severin Quest: 6 - they consider laws flexible, or immovable? severin is like, a Traveller and a Sociologist at heart, so when it comes to the laws of the different places they go to, it feels like a very flexible thing to her! he does their best to follow them, and local customs, but she definitely feels like some laws are very arbitrary and maybe even a detriment to their people. they're mostly here to observe rather than be gay and do crimes, but i'm sure it's happened once or twice. when it comes to the laws of Gods and Divine Convention however, those are a lot more immovable - no, omen cannot leave iphimery city limits, but you CAN work around these laws, for severin does. 13 - What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color? uhh i am not qualified to answer this question, i designed them wearing dusk and purple and *i* think severin is pulling this off, are they??? are they pulling it off???? Katinka:

22 - How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? 23 -How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? i'm answering both at once because it's basically the same answer - katinka becomes vengeful and bitter and fueled by self loathing. i mean i wrote this entire piece about her downwards jealousy/envy spiral and i can't really explain it any better than that :')

Timian and Vinta: 27 - What causes them to feel dread? timian - loved ones in danger. not being there to help them. i know this is the most basic protagonist syndrome but that's the entire point vinta - running out of options, having to rely on magic and consequences thereof. 28 - Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? timian - the truth, always, no matter the cost - EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO HIS OWN TRAUMA AND FEELINGS HE LIKES TO PRETEND DON'T EXIST vinta - they have no patience for lies, reality is already so unpleasant so what's a bit more? 29 - Do they usually live up to their own ideals? both timian and vinta have followed the ideals thrust upon them to the T - but timian always feels like he failed, that he didn't do enough, even though he has gone above and beyond what can be expected of a human being and then some. vinta is fully aware that they are basically the perfect embodiment of their ideal, except they are coming to realize it's not their ideal, and it's left them shaken and unmoored. they'll find new ideals in time, and this time it WILL be their own.

[bluejaysandblackbats]

If There’s Nothing Missing In My Life…

Fandom: DC Comics, Superfam

Summary: Newly-emancipated popstar and child actor, Conner (screen name: Lucky) navigates high school and stardom on his own.

Chapters: 5/?

Characters: Conner Kent, Lois Lane, Roxy Leech, Rex Leech, Lois Lane, Clark Kent, Hillary Chang

Additional Tags: Highschool AU, Celebrity AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Exploitation, References to Depression, Conner Kent Needs a Hug, Conner Luthor, Lex Luthor is Conner’s Parent, Childhood Trauma, Self-Confidence Issues, Teen Angst, Angst, POV First Person, No Powers AU, Conner Kent-centric, Bisexual Conner Kent, POV Conner Kent, Protective Lex Luthor, Child Celebrity AU

Chapter Five: Depress to Impress

He went home once I was well enough to return to school. We didn't say goodbye to each other. I think that made it easier to return to school that Friday. I would've broken down if we had to say goodbye. I returned to school in a weird mood but put on a brave face. At least that's what I thought. We met for P.E. outside, and Hillary sat next to me, knocking shoulders playfully. I couldn't help but smile. "I thought we scared you off," Hillary smiled.

"No way... It was actually bad lunch meat," I replied. Hillary covered her mouth to keep from laughing at me.

"I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you. You haven't had a home-cooked meal since you got emancipated, huh?" Hillary asked. I shrugged. I ate with Rex sometimes, but I don't think that qualified as dinner. She took my phone and put her number in.

"If you want me to take you out to dinner, just ask," I joked.

"I need you to shut up. I'm gonna teach you how to cook... So you don't kill yourself," Hillary laughed. I grinned. "Listen, Lucky, you realize I'm never gonna flirt back with you, right?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm just trying to figure out how to be your friend," I replied as I followed her around the track. Hillary gave me a smile so big I relaxed my shoulders. Finally, I said something right.

She brushed her knuckles across my chin. Hillary didn't say anything else to me for a long time, and I got nervous. I walked a few paces ahead of her and trotted backward. "Do you think I'm weird?" I asked.

"That's a weirdly self-conscious question to ask," Hillary teased. I held my hands behind my head.

"I'm out of town this weekend, but do you and your friends wanna hang out at my place next weekend? I've got a karaoke machine... Well, my manager's daughter left hers over my place, but it's basically mine," I suggested. Hillary took in a breath and held it for a second. It looked like she wanted to say no. "Right, no... Weird question."

I turned around and cursed under my breath. It was so embarrassing how far I was willing to stick out my neck to connect with Hillary. She was so cool to me. I couldn't help but feel like a dweeb when I was around her. "No, I-. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I have a pretty packed schedule for the next two weeks," Hillary reassured me. I put my headphones in and tried to recover from how stupid I made myself look.

She took one of my earbuds out and popped it in her ear. "Oof, I didn't expect you to listen-."

I shushed her. "Our little secret... What did you think I listened to?" I questioned.

"I don't know... Definitely not this, though. I thought you liked pop music," Hillary replied. I put on my sunglasses and rolled my eyes. "What?"

"I don't really care for pop like that... It's the sound that was picked for me," I replied, "And I stopped writing my stuff after they chopped and screwed my innermost feelings for a pop hit." I hated singing it on tour. I had to sing it because it was one of my biggest songs.

"What song?" Hillary asked. I chewed my lip. I said too much, but I was in a seriously bitter place. "You're not gonna tell me?"

"I already said too much. I'm in no place to complain. That song is the only reason why I have a singing career. Besides, I shouldn't dump on what people like. It's rude," I replied. Hillary's eyes widened.

"You don't like your own music?" Hillary asked.

"Not at all... But I don't get paid to like it," I replied before realizing I was parroting a producer who told me the same thing when that song was released.

I didn't want to talk anymore, but I couldn't shut down either, so I turned up the music and hoped she'd let the conversation die out. She did. When the bell rang, Hillary and I parted ways, and I spent the next hour taking notes in English at the library. I hadn't been to a public library before, but it was like the ones on tv. "Lucky, mind coming here a second?" Mr. Isaia whispered. I nodded and met him in the classic literature section. "I know you missed most of the week, so you can go check out your textbooks now if you haven't already." I thanked him and grabbed my backpack before heading to the librarian's desk. She scanned my schedule and gave me a stack of textbooks. I put two in my backpack and carried the other two.

I received a text from Rex, and I sat outside Oceanography, waiting for him to pick up the phone. "You're good to go right after school, right?" Rex asked.

"Hi, Rex. I'm fine, thanks. How are you?" I replied sarcastically. "And no... Can you give Roxy the spare key?"

"Yeah, sure. How do you feel about the interview? Got any off-limits topics?" Rex asked.

"If I say anything's off limits, it'll look like I'm hiding something," I replied, "And I know they're gonna wanna ask about the emancipation."

"Good," Rex replied before hanging up. I knew what he meant when he asked stuff like that. It was a trick question. No question is off-limits. My job was to be coy when someone asked something invasive or inappropriate. I'd been asked all sorts of things, but the questions this was my first interview since my emancipation. It bothered me that this was the first time my dad wouldn't be present to screen questions. He'd pulled me from interviews because of inappropriate questions. I shuddered at the thought.

School sped by, and Rex picked me up. He handed me a packet which I assumed were the pre-interview questions. I read through the first few, which were expected, but I stopped at a question worse than anything I could've anticipated. It hurt. "Rex, I know we talked, but this question is off-limits," I announced.

"No, kid. No question is off-limits. You're trying to re-invent yourself and show people that you deserve to be treated like an adult. This is how you do it," Rex replied.

"Did you look at any of these?" I asked.

"Uhhh... I skimmed a few of 'em," Rex lied.

"They asked me about my adoption. I thought-."

"It was off-limits when your dad had custody of you. You're an emancipated minor now," Rex replied, "Just make light of it."

"Make light of being asked questions like: Have you had any hot rendevous since you've been in Hawaii? Rex, that's weird. You're supposed-."

"Luck, look at me. Have I ever steered you wrong?" Rex interrupted. I didn't answer. I didn't even tell him what the worst question was. I don't think he would've cared.

[performing-personhood]

I'm coming to the realization that, after two and a half years of trying to get out, I'm going to have to go back to the service industry. I have so many attention problems and physical limitations that make me ill-suited for anything I'd theoretically be qualified for:

Adhd and dyscalculia mean I have trouble tracking quantity and the size of physical spaces/containers, so shipping and warehouse assembly lines are both right out bc I could never meet production quotas

adhd and autism mean i'm chronically disorganized and have time blindness, so office work and receptionist work is right out unless literally all I'm doing is reorganizing a filing cabinet and making copies all day every day. Anyway I have to Google anything I need Excel to do so I'm too uneducated to even pretend to be competent in Microsoft Office Suite.

IBD will make it impossible to work someplace like an Amazon fulfillment center because I need too many bathroom breaks (and that number literally triples when I'm stressed out, when i got my last job it was a good thing I was unsupervised and not busy a lot because I was topping eleven poops per day by lunchtime.)

Reynauds makes it impossible to work anywhere outdoors, so jobs like car detailing or even construction traffic flow direction is right out because I'll lose my fucking toes as soon as it dips below 55*f

I have only one arm with usable veins for plasma donation. The other arm was the victim of a trainee phlebotomist who punched clear through the vein and collapsed the entire thing. Having only one usable donation site means I can't even supplement our income by donating plasma, because i can't heal the puncture site fast enough to go twice per week.

I have used cannabis daily for years to manage my anxiety and depression without causing the digestion issues and next day dopamine deficiency alcohol causes. This means I can't piss clean, and thus can't get a job in government nor even do something as batshit as getting my CDL or smth.

The economy and social safety nets are in such shambles that we could never afford for me to go get my bachelors, and without a degree in America you simply don't exist.

I have literally zero other options.

I am having a really hard time accepting this. The only thing stopping me from crying about it multiple times per day is my as-yet-undiscovered-but-almost-certainly-trauma-driven complete and total inability to cry when I am sad (unless it totally sneaks up on me, which happens but is rare and I usually only get two or three tears out before the system reexerts control.) I'm sure that going back to the abusive relationship known as "working in the service industry" is definitely gonna be good for my healing journey. Super stoked to undo six years of progress this summer....

I actually have an appointment with my GP tomorrow to start on an anxiolytic in the desperate hope that it'll help me cope with this inevitability, because what I REALLY want (a frontal lobotomy) is "no longer considered a safe nor humane medical practice." [Dramatic eye roll]

It's great and all to be like "noooo stay people love you and want you here, you are valuable" but like, am i????? Because I've been delivered a pretty fucking clear message about what place I might find for myself in this world. And it's an untenable and irreconcilable problem to have the people want me but to have every possible social system actively shutting me out and indicating that statistically I don't exist, because what am I actually supposed to do now that I'm staying here because you told me I'm valued? If I'm so valuable, why isn't there a spot at the table for me. Stop lying to me.