#i might be a little depressed not sure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

winepresswrath · 3 months

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I am still obsessed with how fucking rude Armand's little script notes were. "We need an animation here to convey how bad the hoarding was," bitch that is your boyfriend you are selling to his death. It's that necessary for you to let a whole theatre of humans know how bad his depression cave got?

#press says iwtv #interview with the vampire #admittedly armand is a weirdo who might be doing it for love of the game (directing his fucky little plays)#but he was exacting. he was mad.#possibly at louis possibly at lestat for preferring the depression hoarder because i will note that mr. lioncourt also broke laws and he #was supposed to make it out alive #anyway why the change of heart?#i'm sure it'll be covered in season three but lol i think it should be more coherent now

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scificrows · 1 year

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i like to make fun of murderbot for being all "i hate everyone, i don't care about anything or anyone, fuck off" while simultaneously caring very much about the people around it and the situations it finds itself in. i love how it "accidentally" ends up caring quite a lot about the friends it makes along the way. but i think something that i tend to forget is that murderbot actively decides to care - at least at some point in its story.

idk, as a person that struggles with depression, this paragraph from artificial condition really resonates with me. prior to all systems red, murderbot had contracts. it had routine and it had protocols. it knew what it had to do to just get by, how to perform so no one would notice it had disabled its governor module. it was deeply depressed, yes, but it was functioning (for lack of a better word). in artificial condition, murderbot's routine is gone. it cannot go on in that state of numbly going-from-contract-to-contract, putting in as little effort as possible, consuming media to cope. that option is gone because it escaped (and note that escaping the company was not an active choice, it kinda happened to it). murderbot has two options now: it can either gather all its energy; actively do something new and difficult and distressing; change something in its life and try. or it can let the numbness and the emptiness take over and stop trying. if murderbot wants to survive as a rogue secunit, it has to try. no matter how difficult that is. the wording in that paragraph really hits home for me. the way the non-caring sees an opportunity to slip in and to take over. does murderbot even care? does anything really matter? is anything really worth the hassle? wouldn't it be so much easier to just let your mind slip away a little, to go numb, to be passive, to watch media and wait for things to happen to you? wouldn't it be nice to stop thinking and struggling and feeling complicated things? to stop making an effort? you've been dealing with a lot lately and maybe it's time to just shut down. maybe you'll just take a little break. just slip deeper into this chair and start the show. time flies when you're not paying attention. trying is exhausting. who cares if you don't do the things you wanted to do, you were supposed to do. it'll be fine. let's just ignore those things for now. just let the non-caring take over. just stop thinking. you can deal with the aftermath later. just watch your shows. who cares. but murderbot cares. it decides to care. it decides to fight with all it has and i think that is so brave. and i think in the later books caring is less of an active decision for murderbot. once you start caring, it's easier to keep going than to stop; and murderbot, for all its "i'm a grumpy rogue secunit, leave me alone" behavior, knows just how important caring is. so it's not that it doesn't know what's happening; rather, it lets itself care. tl;dr: caring is not the default for murderbot, it's just the more difficult of two options. and it decides not to take the soft option. it decides to struggle. it decides to care. and so it does.

#sorry i'm rambling i'm a little depressed rn (hah) and i've been thinking about murderbot again #at least writing this got me out of the adhd/depression paralysis :) yeah this might be self-indulgent so what #the murderbot diaries #murderbot #𓄿 #i just love martha wells' writing for things like that #and i love murderbot as a character so very much #also i'm pretty sure some of this could be read in a way i did not intend #i'm not trying to say that depressed people have the option to just not be depressed #or that it's as easy as going “okay well i can either care or not care... i guess i should care! done!”#listen i know it's not like that; i know that first hand #but murderbot had just enough energy and fight in it to try and it had people in its life that cared about it and helped it #and it managed to get out of that deep dark hole #and we see it struggling with trauma etc in the later books #things are not magically better #just yeah #okay imma add #tw depression #tw suicide #(this is not about suicide though; this is about sitting on the couch while the dishes and the laundry pile up #and watching netflix because getting up and taking care of yourself and calling a friend or going outside are too difficult)#(but i can see how this might hit a little close to home if that is something someone's struggling with&better safe than sorry)#also sending lots of love to everyone who this resonates with

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hotchocolateandpillowforts · 7 months

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I was sitting in the tub after my workout tonight and kind of mentally spiraling (like you do). And I was thinking about suicide (I'm fine I promise) and I realized that I could never do that. Mostly because I love my husband and my cat and I could never do that to them. I could never put them through that. And I have been struggling every day for literal months due to my depression and my anxiety and the issue I have with adjusting to new situations (like transferring for work). But I love them enough to struggle and get through this. And that hit me like a wave tonight.

And it also showed me that I do actually have hope. I thought to myself that I love them enough to struggle *and get through this.* I realized that I'm going to get *through* this and I'm going to be okay.

#the dumbest rant but i was just sitting there in lukewarm bath water and this hit my right in my emotions so hard #there may be a light at the end of the tunnel #it might be a train though #i don't know #it just felt good to think a happy thought and i felt the need to highlight that #I'm sure i'm going to have good days and bad days still #but idk i want to acknowledge a happy little thought #personal #rant #mental health #tw: suicide mention #tw: depression #tw: anxiety #tw: suicide #i also just keep hearing the Mountain Goats song that goes 'I'm going to make it through this year if it kills me' or something like that

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transgender-catboy · 1 year

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... I'm not actually gonna put anything in this caption

#BUT THE TAGS ARE A WHOLE OTHER STORY BABEEEYYY #AHHHHHHHH #JSHSHDKSKHSVDBDNDBGGRRRRRBARKBARKBARKBARKARFARFARF #GDHJSJDH #LOOK AT HIM DUMB FACE #stupid stupid stupid #he's so. AAAHHHH #also the little pinky thing is cute. and also something i do #just. just his hands #ya know?#i just know he's like. the ideal guy to hild hands with. ue probably does that little comforting thumb thing #ya know the one. when you're just laying together holding hands and they rub their thumb on the back of your hand #oh and he always does a little hand squeeze as a check in if he thinks ya might be stressing (whether it be when you're out and anxious)#(or maybe just when he thinks something is on your mind)#god. fuck #he's comfort personified. had to go through depression to get there though. like the best of us #it's late rn so ignore my typos #pls #teehee. now the fun tags since I've created enough space from the front.#this man... oh. okay. um. ehe. he's a giver for sure #like. ya know. um. actually I'm too shy to say the rest of that #ehe.#he just seems the type who loves to [REDACTED]#I wanna say cuddles would be necessary afterwards but i also think he runs hot so he'd probably feel gross and sticky #so he'd either immediately shower after or just flop down dead because he's an old man (lovingly jokingly)#ya know? uh. yeah. okay #rant over for tonight

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anistarrose · 9 months

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inverted murder mystery: "who the fuck killed my archnemesis? i need to thank them personally"

#spoilers + meta for my own fic (a monster might begin to worry) in the tags below bc i just reread it and cried but #if magnus was less depressed and more assured of his own worthiness of being stood up for and protected #then ammbtw would have almost immediately turned into this #instead it doesn't really become this until the final chapter - where magnus finally believes that protecting him was the right thing #before that - when he did have the capacity to “solve” the case; and obviously even *did* solve it with some help -#he was so torn up over motive. over *why* someone would've intervened. and because mags thought so poorly of himself -#he wasn't convinced that killing kalen *was* a heroic act. because sure; magnus felt that kalen deserved it #but he also felt that *he* was getting off easy. that he wasn't having to atone for *his* perceived failures #in that last chapter though. in that last chapter. just when he's lost the ability to remember or comprehend the answer #which is the *same* time he finally claws his way up into good enough mental health to believe that he deserves nice things #*that's* when he finally wants to do my little shitpost above. to give the murderer a truly heartfelt thank you #and the irony is that the killer is right under his nose... and magnus doesn't know; and can never ever know #but instead of being a dark ending a la “the murderer committed the perfect crime and got away; where will they strike next?”#it's a “magnus is safe and loved and supported” ending :) even if he still doesn't know the lengths his family's gone to for him #because he's getting to a place where he can be happy without knowing all the answers :)#a monster might begin to worry

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effervescent-fool · 3 months

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my dads had cancer for like. at least 4 years now

#i can tell hes depressed too #pretty sure hes without his meds. or at least was for a little while #and given hes bipolar thats. not great #he lost his job recently and might end up homeless again #its so fucking infuriating. he deserves to be able to do his cancer treatments without the fear of ending up homeless #he literally cant do chemo and work a job at the same time. it incapacitates him #he cant be unemployed and. you know. survive #more and more recently ive been afraid hes just. not gonna make it. especially if he ends up homeless again #i dont wanna lose my dad dude

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thewintersoldierdisaster · 1 year

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#brief life update i am struggling a lil bit #i love fall but the seasonal depression starts creeping in and i’m doing all i can to minimise it’s effects #the rain every freaking weekend is NOT helping the efforts lol #i might be a little quiet but maybe not idk what mood will strike #my boss is out this week so i might dick around at work and try to write #i’ve written literally single sentences the last few days so the fic process is slow #i’m also going away in two weeks for a couple of days so i’m really looking forward to that #i need a little reset for sure #islander game on the 30th to look forward to #but anyway if you read through all these tags i love you and i hope you have an amazing amazing day 😘

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hauntingblue · 6 months

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NAMI HAS TAKEN ACTION!!! LETSGOOOOO

#when is uta gonna physically fight luffy..... it's just a matter of time #shanks planning on coming back?? its been 84 years.... that probably was only said to makino bc he is trying to sway her.... girl run...#'that's our local sea beast' so he just hangs out??? well fuck me #luffy was just fucking around about the making a new era and look what happened.... apollo blessed him....#the sun god omg.... nika..... ahdahsaj i ws fucking around with that too HAJSHAJA #oh no shit he does actually come back.... i thought this was the same time... omg... THAT'S EVEN SKETCHIER!!!#thinking luffy wss just here alone depressed in foosha and ace was there alone depressed on the forest too...... 🥺🥺🥺#ohhhh little luffy....... like i know she is not dead but something happened..... what....#oh it might seem like she died... elegia destroyed bc of shanks??? what is that and tot music (sounds like catalan meaning all music to me)#beckman has haki too? like zoro........#SHE HAS BEEF WITH SHANKS?? SEE HOW HE IS SKETCHY!! WHATS WITH THAT FACE???#i need to make my evil shanks cosnpiracy board but that whill be implied on my other bigger conspiracy board i am sure #talking tag #watching one piece #episode 1030 #zeus got free... its namis turn...#usopp and nami being strong and brave for tama..... exactly.....#and so they meet again..... oh new break with momo.......#otama tamed big mom too omg ajdhajshaja prometheus saying she enters mom mode with kids under 10 AHDHAJSHAJ #no way big mom is turning on kaido for this.... SHE KNOWS RYUO TOO??? SHE IS NOT TOUCHING HIM OMG #goodbye page one... jesus.... now his sister..... damn #damn. wasnt expecting all that. now nami can take zeus either way hehe #episode 1031 #when are we gonna get ad breaks for the rest of the crew.... we get it zoro and luffy are important.... okay....#sanji carrying zoro.... here we go....#PEROSPERO????? DIEEEE!!!! WHERE IS CARROT???#komachiyo..... TAMAA!!!!! usopp tells nami to take her and run.... NAH!!!! FUCK HER SHIT UP!!!!!!#nami finally fighting omg i have been waiting for this moment #episode 1032

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quatregats · 10 months

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Yes my finals are going great! (<- has been obsessing over Solomon a Gaenor for the past 48 hours and has been rendered completely incapacitated by it)

#there are no good gifs of it otherwise i would add it to my cool little tumblr sticker collections #might make a post on my main idk #i don't even know why it's making me this insane like i'm not even sure what there was to be insane about #like it's literally giving romeo and juliet but make it even more depressing which i feel like is not usually my thing #but it was so interesting!!!!!!!! and like very nuanced in talking about religion and complicated relationships to it #this may have been helped by i watched the whole thing in welsh first and understood about 20% of the words on a good stretch #and so was really mostly watching the imaginary movie made up in my head based on images and snippets of dialogue #but also this morning i did a side-by-side with the english version and it was very interesting because it's literally two different takes #and so you can see the actors acting differently and the difference the language change brings out in their dynamic...very interesting stuf #anyways i've now written almost 2000 words of What If Solomon Didn't Die #because i think it would be really interesting to make them work out their life together and how they'd find community and such #idk man they're making me so insane i don't think i've ever been this insane about a cishet couple in media before :')#i need to stop thinking about them. i have like three and a half papers to write #perce rambles

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princeofyorkshire · 9 months

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me to my mom 4 years ago: i’m bisexual

my mom today: so you still don’t know if you like boys or girls?

#bruh when my therapist mentioned me not being heard she was not fucking lying #she remembers a complete different conversation than it actually was #and i’ll be honest i’m crying while i’m typing this cause i remember it all so perfectly it took me so long to finally have the courage to #say it and she just. heard whatever she wanted to hear #or part of her chose to remember whatever she wanted to remember #so how much of that acceptance was real?#this hit me so fucking hard and she doesn’t even understand why i’m upset #she just doesn’t fucking get it she was like don’t expect me to remember every detail of every conversation i have #well we are talking about me coming out in a household that used to be a little bit homophobic because it was the early 2000s #like it just hurts that she didn’t care enough to remember it #she understood whatever she wanted to cause i NEVER said i had doubts about my identity #or that i didn’t know if i liked boys OR girls #it was always both it was always the big word it was always bisexual #she was the first person i came out to by using that word #i remember the date i remember the situation i remember where we were #and she doesn’t even remember it right #like part of her didn’t want to accept it no matter how supportive she was/is #cause that’s the thing she IS supportive and i should be grateful and i really am but i can’t focus on that. not right now #this is so fucking depressing to me i might be overreacting a little bit yes sure but i don’t care this is how i’m feeling rn #fuck man i don’t know what to do with myself rn #effie talks to the moon

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counsellormurdock · 1 year

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when people say that waid’s dd runs aren’t dark i want to shake them like a piece of sheet metal so they wobble wobble wobble so bad !!!

#ur telling me matt being psychologically tortured #left by his friends #pregnant women being used as drug mules #people being used as slaves cuz they had their heads removed #foggy getting cancer #matt being tortured with every one of his senses being removed #hunted by every mega crime organization #suffering through deep depression #having to leave his life in nyc cuz he gets disbarred #and all that other stuff isn’t dark #all because what he’s shown being happy a little bit?#the art isn’t dirty looking?#he isn’t suffering mental and religious anguish every issue??#i don’t buy it when people say these runs ain’t dark #sure they might not be BUZZ WORD gritty #but they are /dark/#more importantly they show that both things in a dd comic can happen at once easily #you can have matt and you can have dd in great cohesive storylines #anyway #sorry i’ll probably delete this later

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minamotosousuke · 2 years

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For the last couple of weeks I have been lightly plotting out Second Son (the first in my mitsukou hoto-au trilogy) but I’m soooo stuck on the narrative

#like how am I going to tell this story #I almost want it to start in the first days after Mitsuba and his mom left (of course she had to go to) and its like someone took kous heart #and scooped it out of his chest #hes a husk of the boy he was before and he feels guilty because mitsuba left to do good things but also something feels OFF...#hes not so sure about it #so hes depressed as hell and distant #and he's going to start piecing things together before realizing GASP that TERU sent Mitsuba away because he was a distraction to Kou #hmm yeah I thought that might be more fun than a chronological story #a little mystery with plenty of childhood memories sprinkled throughout

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scarletcomet · 1 year

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does anyone else ever feel like maybe they need to be hospitalized or weren’t ready to be discharged from the hospital?

#i was discharged almost a week ago now and i felt really ready to go #i have a much better mindset now after the second hospitalization #but the suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges are a lot more difficult to deal with in the real world where i can hurt myself #i still feel very depressed pretty much always but at the same time my mood has been pretty ok #regardless of how i'm feeling and what i'm doing i get those intrusive detailed suicidal thoughts #i want to do more research and stuff just like out of curiosity or to indulge myself a little #but that's the kind of behavior that gets you sent to the emergency room and admitted to the hospital #i feel ok and not actively suicidal but at the same time i want to plan even though i don't want to go through with it at the moment #if i tell my doctor or therapist at my treatment program this i'm worried that they will send me to the emergency room (again)#it would be weird because i feel ok even though im having these thoughts #similar to how i felt last time i was sent to the ER but i wasn't sure if i could keep myself safe in the long run last time #idk. i feel like i can keep myself safe but at the same time i want to plan and get ready #what is wrong with me #i can think about the future and am starting to see a future for myself (at least for the next year) so why do i feel this way?#i need to write some of this shit down and talk to the therapist at my treatment program tomorrow #i feel like it might be too triggering for others to bring up in process group but i do kinda want feedback from my peers

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la-cocotte-de-paris · 2 years

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when i see a post from you at almost 4am like now I think “la cocotte de Paris is ok. I can go to bed now”

Ha, you checking up on me?

#next time keep me company 😘#besides like any true tumblrina i cry about my problem then when I'm finished i act like nothing happened #just need a sheepskin rug to cry into to make my melancholia and depression a more aesthetically pleasing experience for myself #...well it might help a little. won't solve anything ofc lol #nah i was just overwhelmed earlier but now I've regained perspective #tho if you're not referring to that post i made earlier then not sure why you're keeping an eye on me #but uh i guess I'm flattered?#anyway hope you sleep well haha #anon ask #asked and answered #anon