#i need to go back again and never leave and also i Should Not Do That

[mcrdvcks]

afterglow

summary: Matt is used to you—your routine in the morning, your humming while cooking. But one day, you stop, sending him into a spiral. word count: 2.8k+ pairing: matt murdock x fem!reader notes: i don't know where this came from, i just knew i needed soft, protective matt who's in love and married. also the tags give a little away, lol warnings/tags: slight angst, a little miscommunication (or rather none? it's a surprise), fluff, mention of pregnancy, protective!matt

Matt woke slowly, awareness settling over him in layers—the gentle hum of the city waking up outside, the familiar warmth of the sheets beside him, the quiet shuffle of your footsteps. He smiled softly, turning slightly in anticipation of the ritual he'd grown to love.

Every morning, without fail, you'd lean over, your breath warm against his cheek, murmuring a quiet goodbye before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

Except today, you didn't.

He waited a heartbeat longer, then another, a crease forming between his brows. The sound of your footsteps moved farther away, toward the front door, the jangle of keys loud and grating in the unexpected silence.

“Y/N?” he called out softly, confused. “Everything okay?”

A brief pause, then your voice floated back, strangely distant, slightly distracted. “Yeah, Matt. Everything’s fine. I—I just have to go. I'll see you later, alright?”

He listened intently, straining to read between the lines, but your heartbeat was steady, calm. Nothing to suggest anger or distress, just... preoccupation.

Before he could respond, the door closed quietly behind you, the latch clicking with a heavy finality that settled uncomfortably in his chest.

Matt stayed sitting on the edge of the bed, suddenly aware of how empty the apartment felt without your voice to fill it. It was strange—disturbing, even—how quickly he’d grown accustomed to you, to the soft murmurs of your laughter, your whispered reassurances, your casual chatter about your day. He’d never intended to become this dependent, this attached again.

The minutes ticked by, and he reluctantly forced himself to stand, shaking off the uneasy feeling in his gut. You're fine, he reminded himself. It's nothing.

But the nagging thought lingered, refusing to leave him alone. You never left without a goodbye kiss. Never.

He tried to go about his morning—coffee brewing, shower warming—but everything felt off. The rooms echoed in your absence, the silence more pronounced than usual, more uncomfortable.

By the time Foggy walked into the office later that morning, Matt was already restless, fingers tapping absently against his desk.

“You alright, buddy?” Foggy asked cautiously, stopping in the doorway. “You're doing the pacing thing.”

Matt sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose beneath his red lenses. “It's nothing. Probably nothing.”

“Yeah, right,” Foggy said slowly, unconvinced. “Want to talk about it?”

Matt hesitated, lips pressing into a thin line before he finally admitted quietly, “It's just... Y/N left in a hurry this morning. Didn't say goodbye like usual.”

Foggy snorted softly, leaning against the doorframe. “You mean she didn’t give you your customary farewell kiss? Tragedy strikes Nelson, Murdock, and Page. Should I call CNN?”

“Foggy,” Matt warned lightly, irritation tinging his voice. “I know it sounds trivial—”

“Hey, it’s not trivial,” Foggy cut him off gently, stepping closer, his tone softening. “Not to you. And if it bothers you that much, maybe you should just ask?”

Matt sighed deeply, leaning back against the desk. He didn’t want to admit just how much it bothered him—how your silence felt more painful than any physical blow. He’d promised himself he'd never become this vulnerable again, never let someone’s absence affect him so intensely.

But here he was, unraveling at the mere lack of your whispered goodbye.

Foggy cut through his thoughts. “Also, Karen’s not coming in today. Said somethin’ personal came up.”

Matt straightened slightly, his brow creasing again. "Personal? Did she say anything else?"

Foggy shook his head, moving toward his own desk. "Nope. Just that it was important. Why? Think it's related to Y/N?"

Matt hesitated, shifting uneasily. "I don't know. Just feels weird. Karen usually gives more details."

"True," Foggy said thoughtfully. "Maybe it's just a coincidence. Or maybe they went out shopping or something. Who knows? You know girls—they have secrets we mere mortals aren't allowed to understand."

Matt sighed softly, rubbing at his temple. "Maybe."

Foggy watched him closely for a moment before offering gently, "Listen, if it's bugging you this much, just call her."

Matt shook his head firmly, mouth tightening. "No. It's probably nothing. I'm overthinking this."

"Yeah, because you never overthink things," Foggy teased gently. "Look, just promise me you'll ask her about it tonight, alright?"

Matt hesitated, then nodded slowly. "Yeah. I'll talk to her."

"Good," Foggy said decisively, dropping into his chair. "Now, can we please do some actual work around here?"

Matt smiled faintly, but his mind stayed firmly fixed on you—wondering where you'd gone, what you hadn't told him, and why that sudden distance between you felt like a rapidly widening canyon.

---

In the sterile brightness of the doctor's office, you sat quietly beside Karen, fingers nervously drumming against your knee.

"You alright?" Karen asked softly, nudging you gently. "You've barely said a word since we got here."

You gave her a small, nervous smile. "Sorry, just—thinking."

Karen tilted her head slightly, studying your expression carefully. "Is there a reason you haven't told Matt you're here?"

You hesitated, eyes downcast. "It's... complicated."

Karen sighed patiently. "Y/N, it's Matt. He adores you. Whatever's going on, he'll understand."

"I know," you admitted softly, glancing away. "I just don't want to get his hopes up, you know? Especially if it's nothing."

Karen squeezed your hand reassuringly. "Well, whatever happens, I'm here."

You relaxed slightly, grateful for her presence. "Thanks, Karen."

The door opened gently, and Dr. Reed stepped inside, clipboard in hand. Her smile was warm, calming. "Y/N, sorry for the wait."

You sat up straighter, heart suddenly pounding. "No worries. So...?"

Dr. Reed's smile grew brighter as she nodded. "Congratulations. You're pregnant."

Your breath caught sharply, a sudden rush of relief and nerves flooding through you. "Oh, wow. Really?"

"Really," Dr. Reed confirmed warmly. "You're about five weeks along. Everything looks good so far. Any questions?"

You blinked slowly, mind still spinning. "No—um, not yet."

"Take your time," the doctor said gently. "Make sure to schedule your next appointment at reception before you leave."

"Thank you," you whispered, still in a daze.

Karen waited until the doctor left the room, then turned to you with a wide smile. "Oh my god, Y/N! Congratulations!"

You laughed softly, the sound shaky, but happy. "Thank you."

"So," Karen asked cautiously, watching your face. "Are you gonna tell Matt tonight?"

You hesitated, biting your lip. "I—I want to surprise him. I need some time to figure it out."

Karen gave you a knowing look. "Alright. But don't wait too long. Matt picks up on things faster than most people."

You nodded quietly, a faint smile touching your lips. "I know."

---

You stepped into the apartment quietly that evening, heartbeat steady but slightly quicker than normal. Matt was already home, sitting on the couch, head turned toward you at your entrance. "Hey," he greeted quietly, carefully neutral.

You crossed the room, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. "Hi."

He tensed slightly, barely perceptible. "You left early this morning."

You winced inwardly, keeping your voice casual. "Yeah, I had an appointment."

"Oh," Matt said softly. He paused, clearly waiting for more. When you didn’t continue, he cleared his throat. "Everything okay?"

You settled beside him, hesitating only slightly before nodding. "Yeah. Everything’s good."

Matt's jaw tightened briefly. "You sure? You've been... quiet today."

You reached over, squeezing his hand gently. "Just a busy day, Matt. I promise."

He sighed softly, nodding slowly. "Alright."

You could sense the faint distance in his voice, and guilt twisted uncomfortably in your chest. You had no idea your quietness was hitting him this hard, but you needed time to plan how you'd break the news. A pregnancy was big—life-changing—and you wanted to do it right.

"So," you said softly, changing the topic gently. "How was your day?"

He tilted his head slightly, voice carefully neutral again. "Fine."

You squeezed his hand again, leaning gently against him. "Just fine?"

Matt sighed, pressing a kiss to your temple, clearly trying to relax. "Better now."

You smiled softly, reassured. Soon you'd tell him everything. For now, though, you allowed yourself to enjoy the comfort of Matt's presence, blissfully unaware of how deeply he'd felt your silence that morning.

For now, the secret could wait. Just a little longer.

---

The next morning, Matt woke up earlier than usual, awareness pulling him awake slowly. He lay still for a moment, breathing in the familiar scent of your shampoo lingering faintly on the pillow. Turning toward your side of the bed, he realized you weren’t there, again.

He sat up, rubbing at his face, trying to shake the uneasy feeling settling deep in his chest.

He dressed quickly, fingers brushing along the familiar surfaces of the apartment. Something about the air felt different, emptier somehow.

He moved toward the kitchen, listening for the comforting sounds of your usual morning routine—the gentle humming, the low hiss of the coffee maker—but instead was met with silence.

“Y/N?” Matt called out softly, brows knitting together in confusion.

“Right here,” your voice answered, coming from across the room. You sounded distracted, a little hurried.

Matt stepped closer to you, hand finding your shoulder gently. “No coffee today?”

You paused, body stilling slightly under his touch. “Oh—right, I’m sorry. I got caught up in something. Let me put it on real quick—”

“No, it’s okay,” Matt interrupted quietly, pulling back slightly, unable to keep the slight edge from his voice. “I can do it myself.”

“Matt,” you said softly, picking up on his unease, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize—”

“It’s fine,” he said quietly, attempting to soften his tone. “Just surprised me, that’s all.”

You hesitated, clearly torn between wanting to explain and needing to maintain your surprise. After a beat, you squeezed his hand lightly. “I have to head out a bit earlier today. I’ll see you tonight, alright?”

He nodded slowly, listening to the rustle of you gathering your things. “Yeah, okay.”

A moment of silence passed between you before you stepped closer, your fingers brushing against his cheek lightly. You leaned up, pressing a soft, careful kiss to his lips. It was brief, different somehow, as though you were holding yourself back.

“Have a good day,” you murmured gently.

Matt swallowed quietly. “You too.”

When the apartment door clicked shut behind you, he remained standing there, heart heavy with uncertainty.

---

Matt was restless by the time he got to the office, his steps heavier than usual. As soon as he entered, Foggy spoke up from his desk, sounding a bit concerned.

“Morning, sunshine. You okay?”

Matt only sighed in response, shrugging out of his coat. “Just tired.”

Foggy was silent for a beat before cautiously adding, “And Y/N?”

“Left early again,” Matt answered quietly, his voice carrying a weight that Foggy recognized immediately.

Before Foggy could respond, the office door opened, and Karen stepped inside. “Morning, guys,” she greeted warmly.

Foggy smiled at her. “Glad to see you’re back. Everything okay yesterday?”

Karen paused briefly, her eyes flickering toward Matt. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Just helping out a friend.”

Matt’s head lifted slightly, his attention fully focused on Karen now. “A friend?”

Karen cleared her throat gently, moving to her desk. “Just something she needed moral support for. Nothing big.”

Matt went very still, realization dawning slowly. “Y/N?”

Karen hesitated, clearly unsure how much she could say. “Matt, it’s not—”

“Is something wrong with her?” Matt interrupted quickly, a sharper edge creeping into his voice. “Did she ask you to keep it from me?”

Karen sighed softly, choosing her words carefully. “She’s fine. Completely fine, I promise.”

Foggy, picking up on the tense atmosphere, spoke gently. “Hey, buddy, maybe just ask Y/N about it directly? She’ll tell you, I’m sure.”

Matt shook his head, frustration slipping into his tone. “That’s the thing—she hasn’t. She’s been acting distant, distracted. Now she’s going to you instead of me. If something’s going on—”

“Matt,” Karen cut in softly, firmly, “it’s nothing bad. Trust her, okay? She loves you.”

Matt was quiet for a long moment before nodding slowly, exhaling deeply. “Right. Yeah, okay.”

Karen exchanged a glance with Foggy, clearly wishing she could say more.

But Matt sat heavily in his chair, frustration gnawing at the edges of his thoughts, because he knew Karen was right. He did trust you. Completely. But the small, unsettling changes, your silence, your distance—it all felt painfully familiar, like the calm before the inevitable storm.

---

It was evening when Matt finally made his way back home, standing quietly outside the apartment door for a moment. He paused, breathing in deeply, his senses flooded with familiarity—the scent of garlic and spices wafting from inside, the soft melody of your voice humming along gently with a quiet song playing from your phone.

He relaxed slightly, your calm voice comforting him more than he cared to admit. Maybe he'd been overreacting after all. He opened the door slowly, stepping inside.

The moment the latch clicked shut behind him, the soft humming stopped abruptly.

"Matt," you greeted quietly, clearly startled. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Hey," he said carefully, sensing the immediate shift in your demeanor. He set his cane aside, turning toward you hesitantly. "Smells good. You've been busy?"

"Yeah, I thought I'd make dinner tonight," you replied softly, a forced casualness in your voice. You moved away, turning down the music. "It'll be ready soon."

Matt felt his shoulders tighten at the sudden distance in your voice, and he stepped closer, gently catching your wrist as you brushed past him. "Y/N, wait."

You stopped, body stiffening. "Matt?"

He hesitated, his voice suddenly thick with a quiet insecurity he rarely allowed himself to show. "Did I—did I do something?"

You froze, heartbeat quickening. "What? No, Matt, of course not."

He shook his head slowly, his voice quiet, unsure. "You've been pulling away, and if I've upset you, I—"

You felt the guilt pierce deeply at his words, your vision blurring with tears despite your best efforts. Your voice shook slightly as you interrupted, "Matt, that's not it at all."

He paused immediately, sensing the faint tremor in your breath, the subtle hitch in your heartbeat. Realization hit sharply when he felt the slight warmth of tears slip silently down your cheek.

His hands rose instinctively, gently cupping your face, thumb carefully brushing away the tears. "Sweetheart, you're crying. What's wrong?"

You shook your head softly, voice trembling. "I—I wanted to surprise you. But I messed it all up, and now you're mad at me, and—"

"I'm not mad," Matt said quickly, gently pulling you into him. "I'm just confused. Please, Y/N, tell me what's going on."

You took a shaky breath, leaning into his touch, voice muffled against his shirt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry."

"It's okay," he murmured gently, holding you close. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. Just talk to me."

You nodded softly, calming yourself before pulling away slightly. You took a steadying breath, gently pulling his hand with you. "Come here. I have something for you."

Matt followed quietly, confusion and curiosity flickering across his face. You led him to the kitchen counter, carefully placing the small box you'd prepared earlier into his hands.

He paused, fingers slowly running over the smooth cardboard. His brow knitted together in confusion. "What is it?"

You smiled softly, heart fluttering nervously. "Open it."

Carefully, Matt opened the lid, gently feeling around inside. His fingers brushed the soft fabric inside, tiny buttons and sleeves of the little baby onesie beneath his fingertips. Realization crashed into him abruptly, his breath hitching sharply in his chest.

"Y/N," he whispered hoarsely, voice choked with emotion. "Are you—?"

You bit your lip nervously, tears pricking your eyes again, this time from relief and happiness. "Yeah. I'm pregnant, Matt. We're having a baby."

He stood utterly still for a long moment, absorbing your words, before a radiant, disbelieving smile slowly spread across his face. "A baby? Really?"

You nodded, laughing softly through your tears. "Really."

Matt let out a breathless laugh of disbelief and joy, quickly wrapping you into a tight embrace, pressing soft, urgent kisses against your temple and cheeks.

"You had me worried," he whispered shakily, voice filled with relief. "I thought—"

"I'm so sorry," you said softly, holding him tightly. "I didn't mean to make you worry."

Matt shook his head gently, smiling warmly against your hair. "It's okay, sweetheart. This—this is the best surprise you could've given me."

He cupped your cheek gently, thumb brushing away lingering tears as he pressed his forehead softly against yours, voice filled with warmth and quiet awe. "We're having a baby."

You smiled gently, your heart finally calming as the misunderstanding melted away. "We are."

And for the first time in days, everything felt perfectly right again.

[gettingyourselfwetforme]

You should write a blurb about Y/N getting Harry off in public 😵‍💫

men don’t deserve happiness like this but i suppose harry can be the exception

also not really like… in public but they definitely could get caught bjakxnelnbxka

wc: 775

.

.

“Yeah, keep fucking going, christ…”

His labored breaths and filthy words are only fueling her to go faster, taking his cock deeper into her throat. Her knees are achy from kneeling on the ground, even with Harry’s suit blazer resting beneath her.

When y/n saw the bulge in his pants after seeing her in her dress tonight, she was flattered, but it also made her incredibly horny. She had one goal in mind after that- to get Harry off, even if it meant they’d get caught. The date they had for tonight had been planned for months, but the ache between her thighs and her oral fixation couldn’t wait until they got back to the flat.

“Jesus, all this over m’boner for you earlier? F-fuck.” His voice wavers, trying to keep his composure while talking to her. “Look s’fucking good with me in your mouth, baby. Wish I could etch it into my brain n’stare at it forever, shit.”

She releases his cock from her mouth with a pop, now stroking it with one of her hands. Her thumb brushes over his dark pink tip, gathering the precum that has leaked out.

“Filthy girl you are, taking my cock down your throat in the bathroom of the restaurant. Need to have my cock in y’mouth at all times, yeah?” He teases, eyes meeting hers.

“Got me all worked up at the flat, seeing you get so turned on from just looking at me.” She mouths kisses to his cock before continuing, “Just needed to taste you, wanted to take you right there if we weren’t gonna be late.”

After she presses a few more kisses to his tip, she takes the head in her mouth, sucking and flicking her tongue around it. Her hand is holding him at the base, switching between stroking and squeezing him.

A loud, pornographic groan leaves his throat, head falling back with his mouth open. The sight and feeling of her pressing kisses to his dick is something he could never erase from his mind. One of his hands that grips the sink behind him reaches forward to pull at her hair, her curly strands between his fingers.

The feeling of her hair being pulled elicits a muffled moan through her, sending vibrations through Harry’s body. “Christ- y/n if you keep doing that m’gonna cum, dunno how long I can hold it.” He moans, hips jerking slightly.

With that, y/n takes his cock all the way to the base, nose pressed to the patch of hair. She loves taking him deep, feeling him at the back of her throat making her own arousal even more prominent. She gags a small bit, throat closing over his cock, which makes a loud, wet sound go through the air.

When his hand that’s still in her hair pulls her away from his cock, she takes a deep breath, panting slightly to get her oxygen back. “Careful, pet. Know you’re dyin’ for it but don’t need you to choke. Doing so well f’me, yeah? Go on, finish me off baby.”

She reattaches herself to him, licking up the vein that runs underneath his prick. Taking the ruddy head into her mouth and sucking again, using her tongue to work around his tip.

“Right there, shit, keep going baby, g’na cum for you. Such a good fuckin’ girl for me. Suck my cock so right.” Both of his hands are back to the countertop, gripping tightly, knuckles white.

With a long and heavy moan from him, she feels his balls tighten, and his cock twitch in her mouth. The first spurt of cum splays on her tongue, warm and salty. y/n moves her mouth from his cock, still stroking him at the base, and rests him on her tongue, the second spurt painting her mouth.

“Fucking hell, you look so fucking hot doing that, fuck.” He groans, looking down at y/n and finishing his release over her cheek, his own hand taking over for hers. “Look so fuckin’ sexy with my cum on your face.”

y/n’s eyes are looking up at Harry, mouth open and a cheek covered in cum. Her now tousled hair is accompanied by her teary eyes and swollen lips. It really was a sight for sore eyes, and had Harry almost ready for another round.

Using his finger, he scoops up his cum from her cheek, before placing the finger on her tongue and instructing her to suck.

“So fucking good baby, you did so good f’me. I’m gonna clean you up, so we can go back out there and eat, okay? Gotta eat so y’have energy for later.”

.

.

now im horny and it’s all your fault :| (jk ily this was so fun to write)

tags :3 @devilsqueen722 @angeldavis777

taglist is open and requests are open! my brain is very smooth and small. i do not have many thoughts so PLEASE give me some prompts!

[sluttywonu]

when in rome ◡̈

pairing: idol!joshua hong x f!reader

theme: smut— based off this [MDNI]

synopsis: while you are on vacation in rome, italy, you meet joshua and hit it off great. but, while he’s supposed to be filming nana tour, he has another idea for fun.

word count: 2.8k+

warnings: below the cut

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warnings: alcohol mention(wine), pwp (kind of??), p in v, unprotected sex (pls don’t. it’s for the plot), soft dom!joshua, soft sub!reader, oral (m&f rec), soft face fucking, fingering, quick mention of aftercare (lmk if i’m missing anything), lowercase intentional

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when in rome. that’s what they always say, huh?

that seemed to be the motto while you and your friends were on a girls trip to italy. you’ve never been before and truly you fell in love with the city, choosing to go out and see anything you can even if it means you’re doing it alone— your friends opting to stay back and rest.

their loss, you thought. when in rome.

you saw that there was a wine festival happening that evening and with or without your friends, you were going!!

when you made it through the large crowd towards all the tents, you made it to the first vendor, taking a glass of the red wine. you swirled the liquid around the glass, giving it a sniff to smell the notes inside, a sweet hum leaving your lips.

“smells good, huh? tastes good but i think the next booth has a better merlot.”

you looked over and see a man smiling down at you, a glass in his hand. he was handsome, had a kind smile and black fluffy hair. “oh, thank you!” you smiled back. “mhm,” he started as he took another sip. “would you want me to show you where to go?” you shrugged, then nodded, offering the man another smile before he led the way. the crowd around was thick of people but you stayed close to the guy.

he grabbed two glasses from the vendor, one for you and another for him. you thanked him, feeling a bit of blush creep up your cheeks when he smiled again.

“my names joshua, by the way.”

“y/n”

“pretty, i like it.”

you felt blushed again, taking a sip of the wine. he was right. it was really good. you hummed in approval as you pulled the glass away from your lips. “i’m glad you liked my recommendation!” he mused as he took another sip himself. “do you have any others?” you asked back, tilting your head to the side slightly.

he thought you looked so cute, kind of innocent with the way your eyes looked up at him. he should go back to his group… finish filming what he needs to for his pov of the episode. he should.

but he looked around you briefly and raised an eyebrow. “are you here alone?” you nodded, “yeah, my friends didn’t want to come.” he bit his cheek, he doesn’t want you to be alone, especially in this crowd of people.

“i haven’t tried all the wine yet. want to walk together?” you lit up, nodding your head while sinking your teeth into your bottom lip.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

as the festival was winding down, na pd and a few members were looking all over for joshua.

you and him had maybe one too many glasses of wine, feeling more giggly and talkative as you found a secluded spot to sit and talk. he felt easy speaking with you… like he wasn’t an idol here for work, filming content instead of enjoying his vacation in a foreign country. joshua is a huge wine enthusiast so for him to take his time, drink and talk with you just really made his trip so much better.

the alcohol, sure you didn’t have a ton, but it was starting to get to you… making you a bit more bold. you were playfully touching his hand, eyes looking down at his lips.. and he loved it.

there for sure was tension here, neither of you were blind to it.

as the sun was setting, he was more interested in looking at you, listening to you talk but also thinking about how beautiful you looked under the sun. you caught his glance and smirked at him, ending your story abruptly. “what?”

“can i kiss you?”

caught off guard entirely, you blinked at him a second but eventually nodded while a smile crept up on your face. his lips met yours in a sobering kiss. his lips molded to yours. when he pulled away, you let out a small giggle and reconnected once more. he liked the forwardness, giving you a few pecks before the kiss got a bit more heated.

before things got too out of hand, he pulled away and took your hand, taking dragging you behind him to a nearby alley. it wasn’t the most romantic but it got both of you (mostly him for the idol image) out of the public eye.

he backed you into the nearby wall, his arm caging you under his taller frame while the other hand found purchase on your waist, ghosting his lips over yours. you smiled at him, biting your bottom lip while your hand gripped his shirt. “i don’t normally do this..” he breathed out before kissing you again with the same passion from before.

with his hand on your waist, he tugged your body to meet his— your chest pressing into his. the way he moved your body how he wanted earned him a soft moan from your lip. his tongue trailed over your bottom lip then into your mouth, taking dominance of the kiss once more.

both your hands ran feverishly over his body as the two of you made out. his hand on your waist moved down to your ass, making you gasp when he squeezed his fingers into the soft flesh.

“you sound so pretty for me…” he spoke into your neck while placing kisses anywhere he could, lightly dragging his tongue over your warm skin.

with no luck finding him, jeonghan resorted to texting joshua, the younger groaning when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

jeonghan: we’re leaving, where are you

jeonghan: pd is freaking out that we can find you

sigh.

“i need to go.. i'm so sorry..”

there was annoyance in his tone. “o-oh. well. that’s okay.” you replied with a sweet smile. he checked his phone again briefly when he asked “what are you doing tomorrow?” thinking for a second, you replied “nothing. what’s up?”

“i’d love to see you again before we both leave.”

you smile wide, feeling butterflies in your stomach. “i’d love that too, joshua.” he gave you another kiss.

“i have something to do in the morning but after, meet me at the coliseum. around 2?”

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

well. 2 pm!

you left your friends for the afternoon with a smile on your face. you didn’t admit you were seeing a guy but with how you dressed, took extra long in the shower and the smile on your face, they knew. they’ll just be sure to pester you about it later.

you waited outside the coliseum and a few minutes after 2, joshua approached you with a wide smile. “hi, y/n.. you look great.” he cooed. you thanked him, eyes lingering on his lips a bit too long. oops?

being sober, the tension from yesterday was much more thick.

“my friends are out doing something. wanna come to my airbnb for a little?”

that was more than okay with you. after yesterday, you’re dying to finish what you two started.

you agreed and to not waste anymore time before the members came back, he took your hand and led the way. luckily it wasn’t too far of a walk, the coliseum being in view from his window.

once you two were in his room, locking it behind the two of you for extra measure.

he looked down at you with a smirk, his hands finding your waist. “i’m sorry about yesterday.” “that’s okay, shua.” the nickname made him weak. “we can pick up where we left off.” you smiled innocently. he bit his bottom lip, sliding his hands from your waist to your hips, “well, where were we?”

you got on your toes and pressed your lips together, his hands picking up where they left off yesterday on your ass before he pushed his tongue into your mouth. he backed you into the bed, letting you fall on top of the mattress, smirking down at you while taking his shirt off and tossing it somewhere else.

“don’t think less of me— we just.. don’t have much time.”

you reassured him it was a-okay, scooting back more onto the bed when you glance out the window. “wow, this view is amazing..” he climbed into the bed beside you, wrapping you up in his arms and pressing a kiss to the side of your neck.

“mhm. but i’m more interested in looking at you.”

cheesy but still it made your heart stutter a moment, pressing your body back into him. he worked you out of your shirt and started feeling you up through your bra, small gasps and needy whines escaping your lips. “this okay, love?” he asked with a kiss to your bare shoulder. your throat was dry, a stuttered “y-yes.” came out as you licked your lips.

he laid you back, moving to straddle your hips as he leaned down to kiss you again— from your lips to your jaw, on to your breasts. he gently massaged the mounds while placing delicate kisses over the cups of the bra, looking into your eyes with a teasing glint in his. “shua.. more..” you whined.

still looking at you, he pulled the cups down, exposing your nipples. they began to harden in the cold air-conditioned air, making his length ache behind his jeans when he captured one of them in his mouth, flicking his tongue over the bud before sucking on it. his other hand tweaked the other nipple, gently flicking it and rolling it between two fingers. your hips were bucking upwards, looking for friction as you grew more turned on. he grazed his teeth over the bud before moving to the other, giving it the same treatment he gave the first one.

he then kissed down your stomach to the waistline of your shorts. you nodded a silent approval and before you knew it, your bottoms along with your panties were off, leaving you fully bare for him. he sat back on his knees, looking breathless as his eyes drank you up.

“fuck.. you’re so beautiful, baby.”

joshua slotted his hand between your legs, dipping his middle finger into your slit. “so wet, too.. fuck. can i eat you?” you frantically nodded, “i’d be mad if you didn’t.” a small chuckle left him as he got comfortable on his stomach in front of your needy core, draping your legs over his shoulder. he placed soft kissed to the inside of your thighs, fingertips massaging the supple skin. each kiss was driving you insane while he worked on getting closer to you pussy, eventually finishing with a kiss to your clit making your eyes roll into the back of your head.

slow at first, his tongue teased through your slit, groaning at the taste of you. he’s not sure which is better— the wine last night or the taste of you right now.

focusing on your clit, he slid a finger into you slowly, then another, pumping them at a slow pace. when you moaned so beautifully, it gave him the go to move them faster, angling them into your sweet spot while he sucked on your sensitive nub. he spoke into you briefly, “shit, you taste so good, baby.” before he went back to eating you like a starved man, making your orgasm approach quicker than you expected.

your hand tangled in his hair, tugging slightly at the roots with a long grunt escaping you. “shua.. close, fuck, please don’t stop!”

no way he was going to stop. not when you sound the way you do.

“cum for me, pretty..”

his tone was so hoarse, a twinge of desperation behind his words to get you to finish.

a few more pumps of his fingers, you came hard against him— legs shaking and threatening to close around his head. he slowed his movements down, letting you slowly discend from your high. he pulled his fingers out and licked them clean, groaning as your taste hit his tongue one last time.

moving to sit beside you, he took your jaw in his hand and gave you a rough, tongue filled kiss. you took it upon yourself to sit on his lap, feeling him smile against your lips. his hands found your hips again, helping you while you slowly ground down into him. your hands slid down his toned stomach ti the button on his jeans, fumbling while trying to undo it. he softly laughed and pulled away from you, looking at your hands.

“want them off?” you pouted a bit and nodded.

“wanna suck you off..”

the sudden lewdness caught him off guard but was surely welcomed.

“can you get on your hands and knees, baby?”

you quickly did as he asked, mouth watering while you watched him remove himself from his pants and tossing them off the bed. just like him, his cock was so pretty… on the long side and slender. no imperfections. your mind was racing.

he stroked himself a few times, biting his lip at the eager look in your eyes. “open.” you did, allowing him to push his tip into your mouth. you hummed, closing your eyes blissfully when the taste of precum hit your tongue. he started doing shallow thrusts, making you take more of his length while you hollowed out your cheeks. “fuck. look at me, pretty.” opening your eyes, you squeeze your legs together at the sight above you. he just looked so hot… so pretty towering over you, abs tightening with each thrust of his hips.

his cock felt heavy on your tongue as he continued to watch you. “you look so pretty with your mouth full.” he smirked, pushing his dick a bit farther into your mouth. your took what didn’t fit in your mouth in your hand and pumped, making him moan loudly. “fuck.. keep doing that, i’m gonna cum..” he laughed while tossing his head back effortlessly. his hand carded though your hair, keeping your head still.

his moans grew louder, breathing becoming more labored and thighs tensing, signaling he was close. you kept your cheeks hollow, sucking hard with each thrust from him. when he felt close, he pulled out, not ready to finish just yet. disappointed a bit but you were excited when he moved you onto your back again and positioned himself between your legs, pushing in quickly. he groaned, digging his blunt nails into your thighs as he bottomed out.

“my god.. i’m not gonna last long..”

leaning down to cage you under his frame, joshua began thrusting into you. you wrapped your arms and legs around him to keep him as close as you can. he growled against your ear, a slur of curses leaving his lips.

“shua, f-feels so good!”

he slid a hand between you two to rub against your clit, making you moan even louder now. “cum for me, pretty.. cum and i’ll fill you up. you want that, yeah?”

not trusting your own voice you just nodded, eyes rolling back while the knot in your stomach tightened.

he was quick with his thrusts, hitting your sweet spot over and over until you came against him, a broken whine leaving you.

he was in awe with you, triggering his orgasm and cumming deep inside of you, leaning down to kiss you through it.

eventually your arms went limp, falling to the bed and feeling exhausted from the orgasm. he pulled out of you and smirked seeing his mess leak from your pretty hole.

you laid there, half asleep while he cleaned you up with some tissues before he got back into bed beside you, nuzzling up into your neck.

“that was great.” he mused with a kiss to your shoulder. “mhm~ shame we’re both leaving soon.” he bit his cheek and sighed, “i know. hopefully i can see you again.”

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

you and joshua laid in bed a bit longer, talking and snuggling until it was time for you to leave. joshua didn’t want you to be seen by his members or worse… management. but it was nice for him to forget about being an idol, even for a little bit.

he walked you back to the coliseum, giving you a quick kiss and his number before departing.

when you reached your hotel, you see your group of friends leaving with a huge smile on each of their faces. “where are you going?”

“i just saw on twitter that seventeen is here filming something! we got to go find them!” your friend sarah said. “who?”

“seventeen! the kpop group? you’ve never heard of them?” you shook your head no. she scoffed and pulled up a picture of them, trying to jog your memory only for your heart to fall in your ass seeing joshua front and center.

“they’re insanely popular. come on, let’s try to see them!”

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

a/n: i have a part two written with more idol joshua!! lmk if i should post. thank you for reading :)

[bloomzone]

📍.𝟐𝟓 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞

As I mentioned before I’ll be updating more challenges this summer and since June is just around the corner, I’m kicking things off with a 25-day weight loss challenge for the girlies !

But first a big disclaimer:

I’m completely against toxic wonyoungism and unrealistic body expectations (you know the type eating two cubes of ice and calling it a meal? Yeah, no). If you're looking for that kind of harmful content, this blog isn’t the place for you.

✒️.firrst let's always start with

💡 Things You Need to Succeed

To truly succeed in this 25-day weight loss challenge, you need to surround yourself with the right tools, routines, and mindset that lift you up. First, build a supportive environment. That means preparing your space clear out the junk food that makes you spiral, stock your kitchen with foods that actually nourish you, and make your space feel calming and focused. Have a go-to playlist that keeps your energy up, a journal or calendar to track your progress, and maybe even a small reward system (like a movie night or self-care day) for every few days you stay consistent. You also need a structure that fits your life, not one you copy from someone else. That might be walking instead of running, or doing stretches and Pilates in your room instead of going to the gym. The challenge is yours, not theirs. And don’t underestimate the power of visual reminders: write your goal where you can see it. Stick motivational quotes on your wall. Save a note on your phone that reminds you why you started. You need energy-giving habits like drinking enough water, eating protein with your meals, getting sun in the morning, and allowing your body time to rest and recover. And most importantly, build emotional resilience. That means learning to forgive yourself quickly, and knowing how to get back up without guilt when you fall. Success doesn’t come from flawless days it comes from choosing to try again, every single time.

🔴 Things You Need to Avoid

If you really want to grow during these 25 days, there are some dangerous patterns and toxic habits you must leave behind. First: punishment disguised as discipline. Pushing yourself to work out when your body is exhausted, starving yourself to feel "in control,” or replacing food with shame none of that will bring you real progress. Avoid turning this journey into self-abuse. You also need to avoid obsessing over numbers. The scale, calorie counts, your waist size these are tools, not definitions of your worth. If you’re constantly checking the scale and letting it ruin your mood, it’s time to step away from it. Another trap is consuming too much “fitspo” content online. What starts as motivation can become a mental war when you begin comparing your real life to someone’s filtered story. Social media should never make you feel like your journey is less valid. You also need to avoid starting over every time you “mess up.” One bad day doesn’t mean you failed. What really breaks people is the all-or-nothing mindset when one slip turns into a spiral. Let it go and move forward. And finally, avoid negative environments, whether that’s people who mock your goals or friends who constantly invite you into situations where you feel pressured to break your own promises. Your energy is sacred. If you don’t protect it, no challenge will ever stick. Cut the noise. Cut the guilt. Cut the things that drain you. This journey only works if you stop letting what’s behind you control where you’re going.

let's start

first block the 60% : workout workout workout

Let’s get this straight workout is the core of this challenge, workout is the core of the weight loss journey not starving yourself. Not pretending you're being productive while you scroll in bed n listen If you think eating one apple and then just laying there like is going to make the fat magically disappear? be serious. You are not going to lose weight by kicking your feet on the bed and waiting for the scale to change. That’s not health that’s self-sabotage. You have to move. You have to sweat. You need to get your heart rate up. That’s when your body wakes up and starts burning

Essential workout components checklist

𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐨𝐯𝐚𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠

▢ Aim for 150 minutes of moderate cardio weekly this could be brisk walking, cycling, swimming, or dancing .

▢ Include 2-3 high-intensity interval training (HIIT) sessions lternate between intense bursts and recovery periods

▢ Mix up your cardio activities ,prevents boredom and works different muscle groups

▢ Start with 20-30 minute sessions ,gradually increase duration as fitness improves

𝐒𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

▢ Schedule 3-4 strength training sessions per week : focus on major muscle groups

▢ Include compound movements : squats, deadlifts, push-ups, and rows work multiple muscles .... ect ect

▢ Progressive overload is key : gradually increase weight, reps, or difficulty over time

▢ Don't skip leg day : ur legs contain the largest muscle groups and burn the most calories

▢ Allow rest days between strength sessions : mscles need time to recover and grow !!!

𝐅𝐥𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲

- Incorporate 10-15 minutes of stretching daily : Improves mobility and prevents injury

- Try yoga or Pilates weekly : builds core strength and flexibility simultaneously !

- Schedule active recovery days : light walking or gentle stretching on rest days

- Prioritize sleep quality : 7-9 hours nightly for optimal recovery and hormone balance (especially it's summer ! )

Weekly workout structure

⚠️ : u can structure ur own not forced to do the exact one

- Monday: Full-body strength training + 20 minutes cardio

- Tuesday: HIIT session + stretching

- Wednesday: Upper body strength

- Thursday: Active recovery (stretch or walking)

- Friday: Lower body strength + cardio

- Saturday: Longer cardio session (20-30 minutes)

- Sunday: Complete rest or gentle stretching (in ur bed )

second block the 25% : nutrition nutrition

eating just one apple a day or skipping meals thinking it'll help you lose weight faster is completely wrong and dangerous. Your body needs consistent, quality fuel throughout the day to function properly, maintain your metabolism, and support your workouts. When you starve yourself, your metabolism actually slows down, you lose muscle mass instead of fat . Real weight loss happens when you eat regularly with natural whole foods that nourish your body and keep your energy steady all day long. Ain't nooooo wayyyyyy eating one meal will help u ain't nooooo way !

𝐃𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 :

. ( with meals idea )

Early Morning (Upon Waking)

▢ Start with water - 2 glass of water to rehydrate after sleeping

▢ Add lemon if desired Fresh lemon juice can help with digestion and vitamin C (click here)

▢ Wait 30 minutes let your body fully wake up before eating to not feel

Pre-workout fuel (30-60 minutes before exercise)

- Banana with almond butter : Natural sugars plus healthy fats for sustained energy

- Oatmeal with berries : Complex carbs that release energy slowly during your workout

- Apple slices with peanut butter : Easy to digest and provides quick energy ( my girl 😍)

- Handful of dates and nuts : Natural sugars paired with protein and healthy fats always keep some near ur bed or couch

- Greek yogurt with honey : Protein plus simple carbs for immediate fuel

Post-Workout Recovery (Within 30-60 minutes after exercise)

- Protein smoothie with fruit : Blend banana, berries, Greek yogurt, and spinach

- Eggs with avocado toast : Complete protein plus healthy fats on whole grain bread

- Cottage cheese with berries : High protein with natural sugars to replenish muscles

- Tuna salad on whole grain crackers : Lean protein with complex carbs

- Chocolate milk alternative : Homemade with almond milk, cocoa powder, and banana

Breakfast (Full Morning Meal)

- Veggie scrambled eggs : eggs with spinach, tomatoes, peppers, and herbs ( my girl 😍 )

- Overnight oats : Oats soaked with almond milk, chia seeds, and fresh fruit

- Avocado toast topped with eggs : Whole grain bread, mashed avocado, poached egg with coffee for some taste if u are not used to vegetables

- Greek yogurt parfait : Layer yogurt with berries, nuts, and a drizzle of honey

- Sweet potato hash: Diced sweet potato with vegetables and a fried egg on top

Mid-Morning Snack (If Needed)

- Mixed nuts and seeds : Almonds, walnuts, pumpkin seeds ( luv them ) for sustained energy

- Apple with nut butter : Natural fiber plus healthy fats to keep you satisfied

- Hummus with vegetable sticks : Carrots, cucumbers, bell peppers with homemade hummus

Lunch (Midday Power Meal)

- Quinoa bowl : Quinoa with roasted vegetables, chickpeas, and tahini dressing (u can found it in restaurants too )

- Grilled chicken salad : Mixed greens, grilled chicken, avocado, and olive oil dressing

- Lentil soup with whole grain roll : Hearty legumes with complex carbohydrates

- Salmon with sweet potato : Baked salmon with roasted sweet potato and steamed broccoli

- Black bean wrap : Whole grain tortilla with beans, vegetables, and salsa

Afternoon Snack

- Celery with almond butter : Crunchy vegetable with protein and healthy fats

- Hard-boiled eggs : Prepare ahead for easy protein-rich snacking

- Berries with Greek yogurt : Antioxidants plus protein to fuel your afternoon ( my girl 😍 )

- Homemade energy balls : Dates, nuts, oats, and cocoa powder rolled into balls

Dinner (Evening Nourishment)

- Grilled fish with vegetables : Any white fish with roasted seasonal vegetables

- Turkey meatballs with zucchini noodles : Lean protein with spiralized vegetables

- Stir-fry with brown rice : Mixed vegetables and chicken over brown rice

- Stuffed bell peppers : Peppers filled with ground turkey, quinoa, and vegetables

- Baked chicken thighs : With roasted root vegetables and herbs

Evening Snack (If Hungry)

- Herbal tea with a small handful of nuts : Chamomile or peppermint tea

- Sliced cucumber with hummus : Light, hydrating, and satisfying

- Warm almond milk : Plain or with a pinch of cinnamon for better sleep

𝐍𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬

Always choose these natural options

▢ Fresh fruits and vegetables : The more colorful your plate, the better

▢ Whole grains : Brown rice, quinoa, oats, whole wheat bread

▢ Lean proteins : Fish, chicken, eggs, beans, lentils

▢ Healthy fats : Avocados, nuts, seeds, olive oil, coconut oil

▢ Herbs and spices : Fresh or dried seasonings instead of processed sauces

Avoid these processed Items

ᝰ.ᐟ Anything in a package with ingredients you can't pronounce

ᝰ.ᐟ Sugary drinks and sodas : stick to water, herbal teas, and fresh juices

ᝰ.ᐟ Pre-packaged snacks and meals: make your own versions with real ingredients

ᝰ.ᐟ Artificial sweeteners and additives : use honey, maple syrup, or dates instead

ᝰ.ᐟ Fried and fast foods : cook at home with healthy oils when you need something crispy (don't act like it's forbidden u can et junk food but not regularly )

Meal prep made simple

- Sunday prep day : Wash and chop all vegetables, cook grains and proteins (this is productive y'know)

- Mason jar salads : Layer ingredients so they stay fresh all week

- Batch cook basics : Make large portions of quinoa, brown rice, and roasted vegetables

- Freeze individual portions : Soups, stews, and cooked proteins for busy days

third block the 15% : fix fix fix your lifestyle

Creating a Life That Supports Your Goals

Building a life that truly holds you means creating systems, habits, and an environment that naturally support your health and fitness goals without constant willpower or struggle. It's about designing your daily routine, your surroundings, and your mindset in a way that makes healthy choices the easy choices. When your entire lifestyle is aligned with your goals, you don't have to fight against yourself every single day - your environment does the heavy lifting for you , It's about making strategic changes that compound over time, creating momentum that carries you forward even when motivation is low. When you build the right foundation, healthy living becomes your default mode rather than something you have to force yourself to do. You're essentially creating a life where success is inevitable because everything around you is set up to support your journey.

Sleep

Your sleep is absolutely crucial and forms the foundation of everything else you're trying to achieve. You need to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends, because your body thrives on consistency. Create a bedtime routine that signals to your body it's time to wind down - dim the lights, put away all screens at least one hour before bed, and instead read a book, do gentle stretching, or practice some light meditation it's so so so relaxing . In the morning, get outside within 30 minutes of waking up to expose yourself to natural sunlight, which helps regulate your circadian rhythm and improves your sleep quality that night. Develop an evening wind-down ritual that might include herbal tea, gentle stretching, journaling about your day, or practicing gratitude. Pay attention to how different bedtimes affect your energy levels and workout performance the next day, and prioritize getting 7-9 hours of quality sleep every night because this is when your body repairs your muscles and regulates the hormones that control hunger and metabolism.

Stress Management and Mental Health

Managing your stress levels is absolutely essential because chronic stress sabotages your weight loss efforts, disrupts your sleep, and makes it nearly impossible to stick to healthy habits. You need to develop a daily stress-relief practice that works for you, whether that's meditation, deep breathing exercises, taking walks in nature, or any other activity that helps you reset and recharge. Learn to identify your personal stress triggers so you can recognize when you're getting overwhelmed and take action before it spirals out of control. Build what I call stress buffers into your life these are go-to activities that can quickly reset your mood and energy when you're feeling frazzled. Practice saying no to commitments, requests, and activities that don't serve your goals or drain your energy unnecessarily (this go with all the goals in ur life not only the weight loss challenge) , because protecting your time and mental space is crucial for long-term success. Do regular mental health check-ins with yourself, noticing patterns in your mood, energy levels, and stress responses so you can make adjustments before small issues become big problems. Develop a daily gratitude practice by writing down three things you're grateful for each day, which helps shift your mindset toward positivity and abundance.

Environment Design for Success

Your environment has enormous power over your behavior, so you want to design your spaces to make healthy choices as easy as possible while making unhealthy choices require more effort and thought. In your kitchen, keep healthy foods visible and easily accessible on counters and at eye level in your refrigerator, while hiding or completely removing tempting processed foods that don't support your goals . Set up your workout space the night before with all your exercise equipment, workout clothes, water bottle, and anything else you need laid out and ready to go, eliminating any friction that might prevent you from exercising. Create designated meal prep stations in your kitchen with all the tools, containers, cutting boards, and utensils organized and easily accessible so you can quickly prepare healthy meals and snacks. Place visual reminders throughout your living space like motivational quotes, progress photos, or written goals where you'll see them multiple times throughout the day to keep your objectives top of mind. Surround yourself with people who encourage and support your healthy lifestyle choices, and limit time spent with individuals who consistently discourage your efforts, criticize your goals, or try to sabotage your progress with negative comments or peer pressure to make unhealthy choices.

Time Management and Routine Structure

Creating structure in your daily routine eliminates decision fatigue and ensures that your health priorities get the time and attention they deserve rather than being pushed aside by other demands. Develop a consistent morning routine that energizes you and sets a positive tone for the entire day, whether that includes exercise, meditation, journaling, or simply taking a few minutes to set your intentions. Use block scheduling to assign specific times for workouts, meal preparation, grocery shopping, and self-care activities, treating these appointments with yourself as seriously as you would any other important commitment. Spend about 30 minutes every Sunday planning your upcoming week, including when you'll work out, what meals you'll prepare, when you'll go grocery shopping, and any other health-related activities you need to schedule. Batch similar activities together to maximize efficiency, like doing all your meal prep on Sunday, planning all your workouts for the week at once, or grouping all your errands into one trip. Build buffer time into your schedule rather than packing it too tightly, allowing flexibility for unexpected events, traffic delays, or days when things simply take longer than anticipated. Create an evening preparation ritual where you set out your clothes for the next day, prepare your lunch, review your schedule, and do anything else that will make your morning run more smoothly and reduce decision-making when you wake up.

Social Support and Accountability

Having the right people around you can make or break your success, so it's crucial to intentionally build a support system that encourages and reinforces your healthy lifestyle choices. Find your fitness community by joining exercise classes, participating in online groups related to your goals, or working out with friends who share similar health objectives and will motivate you to show up consistently. Clearly communicate your goals to family members and close friends so they understand what you're working toward and can support you appropriately rather than inadvertently undermining your efforts. Establish a workout buddy system where you have someone who's counting on you to show up for exercise sessions, creating mutual accountability that makes it much harder to skip workouts when motivation is low. Share your wins (Tumblr is a great platform) and progress with people who understand and appreciate your efforts, celebrating milestones with those who recognize how hard you've worked rather than downplaying your achievements. Be willing to be an example and inspiration to others through your consistent actions and positive attitude rather than preaching or trying to convince others to change their habits.

Digital Wellness and Simple Habits

Use technology strategically by choosing just 1-2 helpful apps for tracking workouts or progress while avoiding the overwhelm of trying to use too many different platforms. Set clear boundaries with your phone and other devices by designating phone-free times during meals, before bed, and during workouts to improve your focus and reduce stress. Curate your social media feeds to follow accounts that inspire and motivate your healthy lifestyle while unfollowing or muting accounts that make you feel bad about yourself or discourage your efforts. Keep things simple by focusing on basic equipment you already have or can easily access - you don't need expensive gear to be successful, just consistency with bodyweight exercises, walking, and using whatever space and tools are available to you.

Flexibility growth and Long-term success

Building a sustainable healthy lifestyle requires flexibility, self-compassion, and a commitment to continuous growth and learning. Plan for imperfection by expecting setbacks and having specific strategies ready for getting back on track when life inevitably throws you curveballs or when u make choices that don't align with your goals. Make seasonal adjustments to your routine based on weather changes, holidays, work demands, and other life circumstances, understanding that flexibility is a strength not a weakness. Always have backup plans ready for busy days or unexpected circumstances, like knowing quick healthy meals you can prepare, having alternative workout options when you can't get to the gym, or keeping emergency healthy snacks available when your regular meal schedule gets disrupted. Listen to your body and adjust your routine's intensity based on how you feel physically and mentally, understanding that some days require more rest while others allow you to push harder. Focus on building sustainable habits rather than pursuing quick fixes, maintaining a long-term perspective that prioritizes consistency over perfection and celebrates progress in all its forms, not just what you see on the scale or in the mirror.

I hope it help guuuys ⌨️🎀

@bloomzone

[noorvell]

Fissure

pairing: Jackson!Joel x F!Reader

summary: Joel didn’t die but you almost did. And the aftermath of violence is silence.

warnings: mention of violence and torture, nothing too explicit

a/n: this is a part 1. still works as a stand alone. pt 2

The house creaks with the sound of settling—wood expanding, contracting, like lungs breathing shallow against the cold—and he finds he’s counting each groan like it’s a clock ticking, holding the hours between dusk and morning. The kettle’s long gone cold. His mug of tea sits untouched on the table, steeped too dark to drink. There’s dust on the rim that he should wipe off, but his hands are busy being still.

He’s been sitting on the same chair since after dinner, legs wide, elbows resting on thighs, spine curled slightly forward like he’s bracing for impact. Not reading. Not working. Not thinking, exactly. Just listening.

To you moving around upstairs. To the way your footsteps hesitate outside your own bedroom door. To the silence that followed—the wrong kind of silence—before the soft sound of a door creaking open, and then again, closed. That pause. Like even your choices are tired.

There’s a quilt on the couch he could bring you. There’s chamomile in the cupboard, dried and jarred, the kind Maria insists works better than pills. He could bring you that too. He could do a lot of things. But instead, he does nothing. That’s safer. Cleaner. Less like a lie.

You hadn’t been sleeping—he knows that. He’s seen the aftermath in the way you hold your spine like a broken trellis, the way your eyes don’t blink unless forced. Ellie had started sharing the couch with you some afternoons. A pillow tucked under her chin, one hand always accidentally left touching yours. Joel had stood in doorways and watched it—his own absence like a shadow on the wall behind you both. He helped in ways you didn’t see: keeping the porch light on when the generator blinked, replacing the blown fuse in the heater, fixing the door latch that clicked too loud in the night. You never thanked him. He didn’t want you to. He just wanted to be useful without being seen. That was the bargain he’d made with himself.

But now you’re here, downstairs, padding across the floor barefoot, moving like a ghost with purpose

And then—

“Can we put aside all the complexities?”

It doesn’t come out dramatic. You’re not begging. You never beg. But it lands in him like a goddamn arrow. Not because it’s desperate, but because it’s real. Low, steady, almost defiant in how fragile it is. He turns. Slowly. You’re in the doorway, holding the frame like it’s holding you up, shirt thin enough he can see the outline of your collarbones, the slight hollow at your throat that rises and falls, fast. Your arms are crossed, not for warmth, but out of habit. A defense even now.

“I need to sleep tonight,” you say, and then you pause—not just for breath but for something else, something internal. Like this next part’s going to cost you. “And I need you. Not just your presence. I need you, with me. To keep the void from me.”

He looks at you, really looks, and it’s like seeing a photograph where someone’s almost smiling but not quite. A flicker of something alive under all the exhaustion. But also—he sees the unraveling. The thread pulled too long, too tight. The grief coming back through the seams.

And something inside him recoils.

“Don’t,” he says. Quiet, but fast, as if saying it quickly will undo the whole request. “When you needed me—when we were up there…”

He can’t even say it outright. The ski lodge. The snow in your hair. The blood.

“I wasn’t there then. How’m I supposed to be here now?”

He’d been there. That’s the thing that doesn’t leave him, not even now—not the guilt of not being there, but the deeper rot: that he was. Not far, not lost, not too late. He was there. Shot through the thigh, leg gone useless beneath him like rotted timber. Restrained. Dragged. His body nothing but a sack of pain and age against their young arms, their trained grips, their merciless efficiency. Held down. Forced still. Made to watch. That girl—Abby, he remembers the name the way you remember a snake bite, not by the shape but by the venom—taking her revenge on him, through you. Through your body. Through the one thing in the world he would’ve torn the world apart to protect. And he couldn’t. Couldn’t lift a hand. Couldn’t reach you. Couldn’t move. Not even to scream.

You weren’t supposed to be there. You hadn’t even wanted to go to the ski lodge. You’d said no, it’s too far, let’s wait till the storm clears, and he’d insisted—like a fool—like a man who still believed that time was on his side.

He’d seen it happen in slow motion. That swing—her arm cocked back, the gleam of metal—and the sound your body made, dull and wet, like a sack of meat hitting the dirt. He’d watched you fold, limp, twitching, your breath gone, your eyes rolling back into nothing. And he couldn’t reach you. Couldn’t reach you.

And the worst part—the part that comes back in dreams like rot in the walls—is that for a second, just one, you both knew. He saw it in your eyes when they found his, wide with disbelief and then something else. Acceptance. There wasn’t time to speak, not even to cry. Just your gaze locking with his, and in that glance: I’m sorry. I love you. Goodbye. Everything said without sound. Eyes screaming in the quiet room.

You died. You died. For less than a second. Just long enough for the soul to leave and hesitate. And then Ellie—Christ, Ellie, like the end of a parable—crashed through that door like divine rage, like the miracle she’d always been, pulling you back into your body before the second blow could land. Just in time. But not in time enough.

Because you’d already been gone.

And that—that’s what broke something in him. Not the blood, not the helplessness, not even the pain of being too weak. It was the knowing. The seeing. That moment you both died in the same breath and came back strangers. Something shattered between your hearts, like glass underfoot, impossible to unbreak.

He doesn’t tell you this. Doesn’t tell anyone. He holds it in the way he holds everything: quiet, aching, unspeakable. A ruin built inside his chest. Something no one sees, but that never stops burning.

But you don’t flinch. You don’t scold him for guilt, or let him off the hook, or look away.

“I don’t care, Joel,” you say, and his name on your lips sounds like something worn smooth over years of use. “I can’t—not right now. I need you right now. I need to sleep and not die for once.”

That word—die—makes the room colder. Or maybe it’s the way your hands are shaking. Not visibly. But he sees it in your knuckles. In the tension riding your jaw.

“The meds aren’t working?” he asks, still clinging to the technical side of things like a coward, like that’s safer than meeting the emotional weight of the thing you’re actually saying.

“They do,” you say, and now your voice breaks a little, finally. “They just… I can’t do them all the time. I shouldn’t.”

And there it is. The truth he’s known but hasn’t been brave enough to ask for. That you’ve been white-knuckling it through sleep. Through grief. Through whatever form of afterlife you came back into when you didn’t die. That maybe staying alive was the wrong verb. That maybe you don’t feel alive at all unless Ellie’s hand is on yours, unless someone’s breathing nearby to anchor you to the bed. And tonight—there’s no Ellie. Just him.

“I don’t know what it means to you anymore…” he says, swallowing down the storm behind his teeth, his voice rusted. “Me. What I am to you. If I’m still…”

He trails off.

But you don’t let him stay there.

“It’s everything.”

You say it plainly. Not a declaration. Not dramatic. Not soft. Just the raw truth scraped down to the nerve.

And that—God—that undoes him.

Because if it’s everything, then what right does he have to refuse you?

He follows you up the stairs, slow, like the wood might reject his weight. Like if he goes too fast the whole thing will collapse. The bedroom’s dim. The light from the hallway casts a long yellow wedge across the floor. Your bed’s unmade, the quilt tangled like you’ve been wrestling it. He doesn’t know where to stand.

You lie down without looking at him again. You don’t ask for anything more. Just curl your body inward, your back to him. Vulnerable in a way that makes him ache.

He moves toward the bed. Sits.

Not close.

Not yet.

Just enough that you can hear the mattress shift under his weight. Just enough that the room registers presence.

You don’t say thank you. He doesn’t want you to.

The wind brushes the windowpane. Something creaks in the wall. He watches the curve of your spine under the blanket. Watches the slow rise and fall. He waits for your breathing to even out, to settle.

And when it does, he lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

You’re sleeping. Finally.

And maybe he doesn’t deserve to be the one who got you there.

But he stays anyway. Because if this is what you need, if this is what it means to be here now—then this time, he’ll stay.

——————————————————————————

a/n: writing emotional suppression and restraint is my favorite thing! i’ll write some fluff in the second part, i don’t like them suffering too much. thanks for reading, see you next time.

[centaur-dreaming]

I feel like there’s a potential Jerejean argument on the way.

Stay with me on this.

Just think for a second. Like, Jean is naturally very passive and kind-hearted until something hurts the thing(s) he loves. Jeremy has a lot of self-loathing bottled up inside himself and we’ve all seen how Jean reacted when Jeremy came back from sleeping with Faser—an established form of sh for Jeremy.

I think both Jeremy and Jean’s crash outs will happen at the same time because Jeremy will be insistent on himself being a worthless, awful human being while Jean—now allowing himself to fight for the things he loves and pursue the things he loves—will be utterly beside himself at Jeremy’s estimation of himself and will refute it with such ferocity that he eventually yells ‘I WANT YOU!’ when Jeremy tells him that ‘No one will ever want me.’

I think our first proper instance of Jean verbally declaring what he wants will be when Jeremy’s at the lowest we’ll see him in the series. I also think that will be AFTER Jean rescues him from the Wilshire household and he’s spent a week in his room mourning the love he never actually received and feeling like a horrible human being for leaving, even though it’s him who’s been abused all the years.

Ion know, y’all weigh in. wdyt

edit: *Thanos voice* Fine. I'll put it in the post.

I can just feel something tingling in the air #like static before a storm and Jeremy's not going to know what to do with such an obvious declaration of love—of /dedication/

but I do think that all the events leading up to it will leave him tired and a bit ratty and he'll say some throwaway comment about being worth less than a car and Jean will refute it immediately, but Jeremy--tired and too emotionally drained to regulate his answers-- will snap back. He'll immediately realise he's fucked up and even Jean will be taken aback by it

but he doesn't apologise. just stands there numbly because 'Well done Jeremy, now you've ruined this as well'.

Then Jean—already worked up and angry that Jeremy is hurting himself by denying everything good that he sees in him--will get righteously angry and confront the blond about it head on.

And that's how they end up arguing. 

then it all culminates with Jeremy--in floods of tears at this point--screaming that Jean 'deserves someone better than him and should want more than what Jeremy can offer. A nice wife who can give him what he needs, a good career, no secrecy, no one to worry about while he's working through his own shit, that he shouldn't have to care if Jeremy's wanted or not or what his life will be and this and that and the other and Jeremy just keeps going until Jean yells,

"BUT I WANT YOU! I WANT YOU, JEREMY! BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU I WANTED YOU!"

It shuts Jeremy right up.

Jean goes on for so long about all the times he'd been strengthened by the thought of him, how often he yearned for Jeremy's touch, how utterly enamoured he is by him in everything he does...and Jeremy just stands there the whole time--shell-shocked by the admission.

At some point, Jean starts crying too. Rambling on through the tears and looking everywhere but Jeremy. When he eventually slows— Jeremy reaches out a hand to his cheek, wipes away a tear with his thumb and gently turns Jean's face to meet his.

Jeremy's got the Florence Pugh frown on his face and he says--voice cracking on every syllable,

"I want you too."

and Jean's face crumples as he lifts a hand to cover Jeremy's and nuzzles into the blond's palm, placing wet kisses along the skin there and mumbling his love in French .

it's all very soft and tender (and a bit wet, too).

Jeremy lifts his other hand to Jean's other cheek--strokes over the tattoo there—and says it again. and again until he's confessing his #soul to the man who's never known true love.

And Jean watches, equally as enamoured and as shocked that someone like Jeremy could want someone like him. Jeremy is going and going and Jean is staring and staring into those deep, brown eyes, flitting about the room--glancing at Jean then darting off again--and Jean has a thought.

It's urgent and it's all he can think about and if he doesn't do it, he thinks he might die. He places a hand upon Jeremy's cheek.

Jeremy is mid ramble, but his confused 'What?' is cut short by Jean's lips pressing against his. soft and tender and oh so loving and Jeremy stares—wide eyed —up at Jean until Jean slowly pulls back.

There's a brief moment where Jean thinks he's done the wrong thing —that is until Jeremy is surging back up and using his hands on Jean's face to pull him down and meet him halfway. He's so enthusiastic that he nearly misses his mark--hitting Jean's philtrum before righting himself and oh is it /fantastic/. Kissing Jeremy is everything Jean thought it would be and more.

Jean's other hand reaches out, grabbing for Jeremy's waist to pull him in—no matter that they're mouth-to-mouth--Jean needs him closer.

He presses Jeremy into his chest and kisses him with so much force that Jeremy starts to bend backwards--the blond having to drop a hand to grab onto the counter or whatever’s behind him to keep from falling over.

When they pull away, they both just stand there and stare at each other like they can’t believe what’s (finally) happened.

Jeremy goes to open his mouth, but Jean cuts in with a stern (albeit wobbly) “Now, will you stop pulling yourself down and start to see all of the beautiful things that I see in you?”

And Jeremy replies—breathless, “Only if you kiss me like that again.”

And Jean does.

Again and again and again until they’re both dizzy from it and have to sit down.

(even then the kisses don't stop, just relocate. Along cheeks and jaw bones, down tendons and on the backs of knuckles. On noses and eyelids and foreheads and wrists and everywhere they can possibly reach.)

[deadpanjisung]

❦for life❦ | in life pt. 2

part one: ❦ in life ❦ pairing: lee know x afab!reader; i.n x afab!reader, suggestive i.n x lee know MDNI!!!!!  genre: angst, smut, fluff wc: 5.9k cw: use of y/n, swearing, mentions of sadness, anxiety, mental health issues, unconventional relationship dynamics smut cw: threesome, breast play, masturbation (female & male), unprotected sex, missionary sex, prone bone, teasing, multiple cre4mpies, breeding kink if you squint (sorry if i missed any) feedback is encouraged ◡̈ i hope you enjoy♡ -˚₊‧꒰ა ginny ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ ☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・ Copyright Ⓒ 2025 by deadpanjisung All rights reserved. ☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・

“Y/N-nnie?” Jeongin sought your attention. You had been lounging on your living room couch, watching Jeongin play a game on his console. 

You had been splitting your time between Minho and Jeongin almost evenly since the incident. The incident that made you see relationships with a whole new perspective. When it came to relationships, you were anything but conventional; still, it was out of your ‘norm’ to be romantically involved with two people, let alone, two members of the same group. Your boyfriend, now using his title, and one of his closest friends. 

You knew that Minho was the love of your life; you had no doubt about that. That was precisely why you were so conflicted when you started feeling differently around —and towards Jeongin. The conversation with Minho had been postponed until Jeongin felt comfortable enough to have it. So, you usually spent time with them separately, with Minho’s previous consent; because your relationship with Minho was already established, unlike you and Jeongin. 

The rest of the members weren’t aware of your current arrangement— at least not to your knowledge. You opted to keep it private until things cleared up amongst the three of you. You and Hyunjin had agreed that you wouldn’t have sex again; still, your relationship was never amorous, just sex and friendship. In order to hang out with Jeongin in the privacy of your apartment or their dorm, you had to create an elaborate scheme. 

“Yes, Innie?” You asked, snapping out of your thoughts. 

“We’re leaving for two months in less than a week.” He reminded you. You rolled your eyes. 

“Why would you say that?” You whined, kicking your legs on the couch. “I’m depressed enough already.”

“No. I’m just saying… maybe we should have the talk.” He clarified. “Minho hyung and I will be alone at some point, and I think we’ll feel compelled to talk about it anyways.  I’d rather have you here too.” You nodded.

“Want me to call him up?” You asked, Jeongin shook his head.

“No, this is my day.” He said, wrapping his arm around you, making you lean back into his chest.

“Well, too bad. I’m here now.” Minho announced as he barged in the door. “I got bored and then, I thought hey, I have a whole girlfriend in her apartment hanging out with this random boy. I should go over there. So, I came here.” He sat on the other side of your couch and leaned into you so he could kiss your lips.

“How long have you been spying on us?” You questioned him. “I don’t think I like this new habit of yours.”

“Long enough.” He said, a slight blush creeping into his ears. “I missed you. I didn’t miss you, though.” He looked at Jeongin during the latter statement. 

“This was supposed to be my day, hyung.” Jeongin snapped at him. “You can hang out with Y/N any day, no questions asked.” Jeongin pouted. 

“Look, Jeonginnie. I love you and I love Y/N. But she’s also kind of my girlfriend and I want to be with her before we leave.” Minho deadpanned. “So, yeah, you’re stuck with me today. I do think we should have the conversation, by the way.” He winked at Jeongin. 

“So, can I order some bulgogi pizza or something?” You asked. 

“I’m on a diet.” Minho and Jeongin said simultaneously. You rolled your eyes.

“I get it, but c’mon, we’re going to have a, possibly, traumatizing conversation. We need the comfort food.” You negotiated. 

“Fine.” Jeongin caved in. You looked at Minho and he nodded, rolling his eyes but took out his phone and left the room to order the food. Minho returned a few minutes later.

“The pizza will be here in twenty minutes.” Minho announced and he sat back down next to you, placing your legs on top of his lap. “So, you want to do this now… or?”

“Sure, let’s get it over with.” You replied. 

“I want to be with you.” You broke the ice, looking at Minho. “With you too.” You turned to Jeongin. “But I also want you two to be able to be in the same room with me and not crash out.”

“You’re my girlfriend, though.” Minho grinned, proudly. Jeongin glared at him.

“This is exactly what I mean. Thanks, Min.” You pointed out, Minho’s smug smile faded. “I like both of you, that’s pretty evident. I don’t need you two to be in love or anything, but I do want to hang out with of you at the same time. Instead of feeling like a child of an ugly divorce with joint custody.” 

“Noona, don’t call yourself a child of divorce, please.” Jeongin said, visibly bothered at the thought of him and Minho being your parents in this scenario.

“Why don’t we try it out, Jeonginnie?” Minho inquired, staring straight at Jeongin in a defiance.

“I’m not giving you that satisfaction, hyung.” Jeongin said with a grin on his face. “We’re doing this peacefully, like noona wants.”

“Thanks, Innie.” 

“Kiss ass.” Minho muttered under his breath.

“Min, c’mon.” You interrupted. “I do think we could try it out, though.” You looked at Jeongin, who was fiddling with his ring. “If you feel comfortable with it, of course.” His eyes bore into yours. 

“Anything for you, Y/N-nnie.” Jeongin said. “I’m willing to try it out.”

“Anything for Y/N?” Minho asked.

“Anything.” Jeongin reassured, looking at Minho in the same defiance that Minho assumed.

“Would you kiss me if Y/N-nnie wanted?” Minho tested the waters.

“I know Y/N-nnie wouldn’t make me do anything that I don’t want to do.” Jeongin argued.

“Good boy.” Minho added. “Would you watch me and Y/N-nnie?” Jeongin blushed furiously at the mention of watching you and Minho again. You looked over at him and took his hand.

“Min, stop teas-“

“Yeah, I would.” Jeongin interrupted. “Would you watch me and Y/N-nnie?”

“Gladly.” Minho replied without hesitation. “I’d even join you, if you want.” Jeongin scoffed at Minho’s flirting.

“You wouldn’t.” Jeongin argued.

“Want to bet?” Minho asked, leaning over you, closer to Jeongin.

“Min…” You warned as you pushed his chest back into his place.

“What? You don’t want him to know that you want us both at the same time?” Minho asked you. Jeongin’s eyes widened, and he tightened his grip on your hand. You sighed.

“Minho, please.” 

“You’re being dishonest with him, Y/N.” Minho riled you up. 

“Is that true, Y/N?” Jeongin asked, in a hushed voice. You sighed again.

“Only if you want to.” You said, glaring at Minho who sat there smirking. 

“I’d be open to trying things out.” Jeongin said. Minho scoffed but his eyes betrayed him in his surprise. You didn’t expect that reaction either, especially coming from Jeongin. “Yeah, why not? Once won’t hurt.” He smirked at Minho.

“Great!” Minho said, as he clapped his hands. “After it happens, if it happens. We can actually  work things out, then.” He stood up, leaving you and Jeongin lounging in the couch. 

You didn’t give out an immediate reaction to that statement, still angry at Minho for his insistence. Jeongin didn’t react either, but you could feel his heart beating faster as you laid across his chest. Minho didn’t leave, neither did Jeongin. You both ate in silence when the pizza arrived, watched a few episodes of the current anime you were watching and went to sleep. Minho took your guest bedroom, respecting your and Jeongin’s day, only because you couldn’t all comfortably fit in your bed. You and Jeongin were too tense to do anything; you just cuddled, basking in each other’s warmth. 

———————————-

Minho and Jeongin spent their last week in Korea rehearsing and attempting to keep up with their ever-so-busy schedules. You engulfed yourself in your work, late night recording sessions helped you cope with the inevitable separation. Minho and Jeongin slept in your apartment that last night. They kept their distance from each other, yet they stayed attached to you. That night, they peppered you with kisses and reassuring words as you softly sobbed against your satin pillow. 

They left early in the morning; you kissed both of them goodbye. You weren’t a stranger to being apart from Minho, powering through the never-ending tours and other schedules. Despite that, you felt more anxious when they left; your heart beat fast, you couldn’t stop crying. It’s only two months. 

Insecure thoughts plagued your mind, out of your control. You returned to being the person that you once were. The person that turned down the love of her life because she didn’t think she was worthy of love. You distanced yourself from them without noticing. You spent your days and nights in your shabby recording studio, working on a million projects at a time —none of them were worthy of a concept. You either barely slept or slept through days at a time. 

A month passed and you’d gotten used to this new pace. You promised both Jeongin and Minho that you were keeping up with your self-care; when in reality, you did everything but. Your fingers mindlessly tapped to the rhythm of Gaon’s guitar, Gunil sat next to you and offered his expert opinion. 

You were surprised to receive an email from J.Y.P himself, granting you three vacation days for next week. You started frantically typing an email to let him know that you hadn’t asked for time off. A call from Minho cut you off, you answered him.

“Hi jagi. We were going to surprise you, but I guess pd-nim kind of spoiled it for us, huh?” His voice rang from the phone. “I know you’ve seen Stray Kids a bunch of times already, but we missed you so much. We asked pd-nim if you could come to one of our shows.”

“And he agreed?” You asked.

“I expected a thanks, Min. I miss you too and I’m so happy we get to see each other.” 

“Thanks, Min. I miss you too and I’m so happy we get to see each other again.” You echoed. “You just caught me by surprise, that’s all. I really appreciate the gesture.”

“I know you, Y/N, more than you think. Even J.Y.P said you were working yourself too hard.” He added. “You leave next Thursday night, the concert’s on Friday and we can spend Saturday and Sunday having sex. It’s a win-win.” Minho teased, you chuckled.

“I missed that…you.” You said. “Who’s going to take care of Meadow, though?”

“Who do you think I am?” Minho scoffed. “I already spoke with Jihyo.” You chuckled.

“I am impressed with your planning skills.” You said, shifting your attention towards Gunil and Gaon, who were impatiently waiting for you. “Thank you, a lot, Min. I think I really need this. But I’m recording Gaon now, I should go. Love you.”

“I love you too, jagi. Don’t overwork yourself.” Minho said before you hung up. 

You checked your phone once more to see a message from a petty Jeongin who wanted to share the news with you before Minho did, and your plane tickets. 

You felt guilty for your half-assed songs, seeking assistance from other producers and lyricists as well. Knowing that you were seeing Minho and Jeongin sooner than expected made your head feel clearer. It motivated you to focus on the details instead of mass-producing your labor. You, with assistance, were able to save some tracks and pitch an idea for a concept. Nonetheless, you were disappointed at how codependent you had become to Minho and Jeongin’s presence, even with their tight schedule. 

❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦

The trip to Japan was relatively pleasant, mostly because it was already familiar to you. You enjoyed visiting the quiet streets of Kurashiki with Minho when you had time off. Or the loud Tokyo nightlife, in rarer occasions. The taxi dropped you off at your hotel and you met with one of Minho’s security guards, in order to get the key to your room. 

The hotel room was cozy, familiar; like you had already been there before. The soft beige and brown interior were everything you needed at the moment. The king-sized bed was more than comfortable to your exhausted body. It made you feel peace. The same kind of peace of mind you had been longing for nearly two months. 

You were startled by your phone ringing next to you, discarded inside your purse. Jeongin.

“Hey, Innie.” You answered casually.

“Hi baby. How was your flight?” He asked.

“Baby and everything?” You teased. Jeongin was so silent that you could nearly see him blushing on the other side. 

“Yes, baby. I can’t wait to see you.” He reaffirmed. “I’ve missed you like crazy.” 

“I’ve missed you more than I’d like to admit…” You said. “I need one of your stiff and apprehensive cuddle sessions asap.” Jeongin chuckled.

“I’d like nothing more than to hug and kiss you right now.” He added. Suddenly, some commotion was audible from Jeongin’s side. “Ah. It seems that I’ve been discovered. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, love.” 

❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦

Your heart felt warm whilst listening to Jeongin’s voice, his laugh; despite talking to him on the daily, it had been a while since you heard him laugh. You felt a sudden heat in between your legs. You’d be more than happy to just cuddle with them at night. But getting off hasn’t been the same without them either. 

You shook your sinful thoughts away for the time being and focused on self-care. Minho and Jeongin had left you a basket full of skincare and assortments of body-creams, bath bombs and exfoliants as they knew that you loved to unwind like that. You ran yourself a bath, with no rush whatsoever. You wanted to enjoy the moment and give yourself time to feel the warm water, to smell the rosemary-mint bath bomb, to appreciate the unfamiliar silence… 

Until it was time for the concert. You dressed as comfortably as you could, ready to scream your heart out for your favorite group in the world, composed of two of your favorite people in the entire universe. One of the boys’ designated chauffeurs picked you up at your hotel and drove you to the packed venue. You received a text from Minho, as you pulled up to the venue.

Min: I want to hear you scream tonight. love you. 

Y/N: I promise you will. ilysm. 

And you kept your promise. You screamed until your lungs almost gave out, you sang every song, and you even shed a tear or two. Seeing them perform made it all worth it, you knew all of the sacrifices that they made were necessary to achieve their dreams. You also knew that you loved them too much to get in between of their dreams… You needed to learn to manage your feelings of loneliness by yourself.  

You quietly left the venue, escorted by the same chauffeur, who made sure that you arrived at the hotel as soon as you could. But you knew that they were already there, and they’d been waiting for you as longingly as you were waiting for them.

You stepped into the busy hotel and went straight to the elevator, paying no attention to your surroundings. Your fingers trembled as they pushed the button to the floor you were staying in. Then, your hands trembled as they opened the door to your shared room.

Minho and Jeongin were sitting on the bed with bath robes on, their heads turned away from the television to look at you. Your eyes welled up with tears, joyful and sorrowful ones alike. You sprinted as fast as your feet took you and straddled both Minho and Jeongin in a joint hug.

“My baby…” Minho whispered as he stroked your hair, tightening the hug; making you sink deeper into their chests. “I felt the difference in the crowd, y’know?” You looked up to him. “I think Jeonginnie agrees. I felt you there with us.” You looked over at Jeongin who was holding back tears of his own.

“I swear that I could even hear you at one point.” Jeongin agreed, leaning down to kiss your lips so gently that you barely even felt his lips if it wasn’t for the electricity between you. 

“I did scream for you once when everyone was quiet.” You admitted, a slight blush creeping onto your face. “Maybe you did hear that.” Jeongin chuckled.

“How are you, baby?” He asked, Minho nodded. 

“I’m fine, it’s whatever. How are you two?” You asked. “You guys must be exhausted!”

“Are you kidding me? Just seeing you makes me more energetic than ever.” Jeongin countered. 

“It has been tiring.” Minho differed, “but we do intend to spend the best weekend with you.” 

“I would hope so! I did come all this way to see you two.” You teased them. “I missed you more than I’d like to admit.”

“It hasn’t been easy for me either…” Minho empathized. “And this stupid kid spends most of his day watching and rewatching your stories on instagram.” Jeongin blushed furiously. 

“N-No, uh, h-hyung, what the hell?” Jeongin stuttered. “You’re no better! You just sulk around me because nobody understands you better!”

“Ah, I see you’re getting along well, then.” You chuckled. 

“I think we’ve made progress.” Minho agreed. Jeongin scoffed in response. 

“How did you even manage to both be here, by the way?” You asked. 

“Well… we’ve kind of been roommates for the whole tour…” Jeongin admitted. “You know, so it wasn’t that weird when you came over.”

“So, you planned this a while ago, huh?”

“I think we were both sure that you’d come visit us at some moment.” Minho added. “The others were a bit confused, though. But who cares?” He wrapped an arm around your waist and kissed you. “I don’t give a fuck if anyone knows about us, as long as I can do this whenever I want.” You kissed him back, passionately, more so than you intended. Jeongin cleared his throat. You looked over at him and extended your arm to him, he cuddled closer to your side.

“Jealous?” Minho teased Jeongin, as he tightened his grip on your waist. Jeongin kissed your neck, softly and subtly; making you shiver at his lips against you. “Ah! Jeonginnie, don’t you know? Your hyung gets the first round.” Jeongin deadpanned.

“As if!” He scoffed. “I’ve been waiting for this as long as you have.” You stared at them blankly, wanting to see how they compromised with each other. Still, you were ready to intervene if they got too heated. 

“Do you think I care about that?” Minho teased with a smirk on his face. Flirting. Minho was actually, genuinely flirting with Jeongin. “You know what? Let’s leave this to Y/N, then.” They turned to you again, gaining your visibility once more. “Who do you want first?”

The question caught you off-guard. You hadn’t expected to be asked that; and, in all honesty, you had never even given a thought to who would go first or second or last. 

“You don’t have to answer that.” Jeongin interrupted your thoughts. “It’s unfair that you’re always putting her on the spot.” 

“She’s the one who decided that I wasn’t enough for her. She’s so greedy that she needs to be fucking the whole group, right?” Minho said, Jeongin looked visibly bothered by his comment. It dwelled on you that he had never seen or heard your and Minho’s more intimate dynamic. Your hand found Jeongin’s and squeezed it.

“It’s okay.” You whispered to Jeongin. “I like it like this —the three of us— if that makes me greedy, so what?” He looked taken aback, his nose scrunched as his eyes scanned your expression; you smirked in response. You could almost see the gears turning in his head, leading him to smirk at you and then, at Minho in return. 

“I think she’s okay with the two of us for now.” Jeongin said, looking at you for approval. You hummed in amusement. 

“I think so, too, Innie.” 

“The two of us at the same time?” Minho suggested, challenging Jeongin.

“Yeah.”

“Good,” Minho agreed, “let’s show Y/N who she really belongs to.” Minho’s eyes never diverted from yours, not even to entertain Jeongin’s. “Y/N without threesomes with Hyunjin or cuddles that last too long with Felix…”

“Or flirting with Jisung hyung..” Jeongin added, visibly growing more comfortable with the situation in front of him. “Or late nights at the studio with Changbin hyung…”

“I think I get it.” You interrupted, growing frustrated at their banter. “I don’t mean any of that. I like you —both of you.” 

“I don’t think liking us cuts it anymore.” Minho said, “I think you should love us.” 

Heat creeped onto your cheeks at Minho’s mention of love. You weren’t a stranger to telling Minho that you loved him. You had never told Jeongin that you loved him, even if you were sure that you did, even if you tried to show him without saying it. You loved him as a friend and you were growing to love him as a partner as well, but you weren’t quite sure if it was too early. 

You looked at Jeongin’s own blushing profile, he gulped at your expression and squeezed your waist in reassurance. Minho snickered. 

“You two are too cute.” Minho gushed. “Puppy love is adorable.” Jeongin rolled his eyes at Minho. 

“Is this going to take all weekend?” You asked, sardonically. 

“Impatient, huh?”

“Well, if Minho hyung isn’t done with his thing…I’ll go first.” Jeongin spoke up. You were surprised at his volunteering; but you also knew that Minho was just riling you both up. He wanted to see who snapped first; not him, of course. Minho could do this all night. 

Jeongin’s slender fingers reached up to cup your face, making you face him once again. You looked deep into his eyes (that grew narrower and narrower with his smile). Jeongin pressed his lips onto yours, more passionate than before. Your own lips welcomed him with eagerness; the feeling of his tongue intertwining with yours enticed the wetness between your legs. 

You shifted to straddle Jeongin’s lap, instantly feeling his hard bulge beneath your clothed core. His hands flew from your waist to the hem of your t-shirt, dragging it upwards. You raised your arms, inevitably breaking the kiss as he took off your top. You looked at Minho who sat on the furthest corner of the cool hotel bed. His hand was shamelessly palming his prominent bulge, lips slightly parted. The sight in itself made you want to moan. 

“M-Min…” You started. He shushed you. 

“I know, baby. Jeonginnie’s taking good care of you, huh?” Minho panted. You nodded in frantic agreement as Jeongin’s hands worked on the clasp of your bra and his lips gently bit into the tender flesh of your neck. You couldn’t suppress your moans anymore; letting out a guttural moan, you saw how Minho’s demeanor completely changed. Jeongin’s lips dragged themselves to your sensitive breasts, popping a nipple into the wetness of his mouth. 

You watched how Minho’s hand slipped beneath his underwear, making his glorious cock spring free from its confines. Your mouth watered upon the sight of his small hand dragging itself through his shaft; slowly and teasingly while Jeongin worked his own magic on your breasts. 

“F-fuck. I missed this so much.” Jeongin groaned as he removed his lips from your swollen bud. “You should come on tour with us… and we can take c-care of you… all the time.” Listening to Jeongin whine such words made your heart swell, even if they were pussydrunk statements that he didn’t mean. 

“A-Ah. I need you to touch me, Innie.” You moaned in response, listening to Minho’s faint grunts in the distance. You started dragging yourself on Jeongin’s lap, desperate to feel friction where you needed it most.

“Y-you should’ve told me, baby.” Jeongin moaned, detaching himself from your breast where purple bruises were already starting to form. 

You lifted yourself off of Jeongin’s lap and shimmied out of your thin skirt. Jeongin’s hands grabbed at your hips, hooking two fingers into your panties, carefully dragging them down your legs. You nearly shivered when you felt the air conditioning hit your wet core. 

“You’re so fucking wet, baby.” Minho interrupted, his eyes shimmered as they stared at your cunt. “I need to taste you.” His already naked body neared yours, Jeongin watched Minho with weary eyes. 

“It’s my turn, hyung.” Jeongin reminded him, a warning of sorts. But you knew he wouldn’t do anything. 

“Now you mind?” Minho questioned. “You didn’t mind me joining when we masturbated to that video last week… or the week before that.” What the fuck? That did catch you off-guard. Jeongin and Minho jerking off together? You couldn’t believe it. Jeongin scoffed.

“Is that true, Innie?” You asked, batting your lashes at him. Jeongin hesitantly nodded.

“You sent us that video and… fuck… it made both of us so hard….” Jeongin admitted. “We watched it like ten times that night…” 

You imagined how it went, Minho and Jeongin so desperate, so needy that they couldn’t even leave the room to take care of themselves. Jeongin shamefully giving into his arousal; Minho shamelessly teasing him. It nearly made your mouth water.

“That’s so hot.” You said, still in disbelief of the sight before you. Minho and Jeongin, now both naked in front of you, hard as a rock, cocks leaking for you. “I’m so sad that I missed it… why don’t you show me how it went?” Minho shot a smug smile at you, whilst Jeongin widened his eyes. You sat back, using your own fingers to tease your entrance, the feeling of your arousal surprised even you. 

Minho broke the ice, of course, he wrapped his hand around his cock once more, hissing at the familiar feeling of it; his eyes were closed. You took in the sight, admiring his face, the way his lashes fell on his cheeks, his muscular arm setting a fast and sinful pace. Jeongin looked at Minho for a second, then back at you. He knew that you would never force him to no anything. With that, his own hand betrayed his resistance, moving back and forth around his shaft, fingers lightly teasing his leaking cockhead. You stared at Jeongin too, biting your lip, just like him. His pace was sloppier than Minho’s, more desperate, his grip was tighter, too.

Your own fingers worked their way on yourself, attempting to match Minho and Jeongin’s paces as best as you could; moaning at the scene that unraveled before you. You felt almost… jealous? At the fact that they could do this together whenever they wanted. You wanted to be there with them… to witness this…the special moments, the firsts. The fear of missing out engulfed your senses, your fingers moved against yourself as a form of revenge… because Minho and Jeongin couldn’t touch you at the moment. 

Minho’s movements halted abruptly, as he pressed his other hand onto Jeongin’s shoulder. 

“Why did you stop?” You asked as you continued to pump your fingers in and out of you.

“The only place I’ll come is inside of you.” Minho replied. “And Jeonginnie too.” 

“I can’t argue with that.” Jeongin added.

“If that’s what you want.” You challenged. “Who’s first, then?” Minho and Jeongin looked at each other. 

“Jeongin always goes first.” Minho replied, looking at Jeongin, while the latter gulped.

Jeongin crawled further into the bed, closer to where your body laid. You could easily feel the heat between your bodies. The lust you felt betrayed your need to appear as unbothered. He grabbed the base of his cock and inched it closer to you until his tip was nudging at your moistened entrance. He looked at you and you nodded in approval. His cock was inside you in a swift movement of his hips. 

You hissed at the unforgotten yet currently foreign feeling of his dick inside of you after the month. Jeongin visibly struggled to suppress a moan or a groan from slipping out. You reached upwards to cradle his face. He leaned down to kiss your lips with the same fervor as he did earlier. Jeongin started to move his hips, and you felt the hair on the base of his cock tease your folds; the closeness was unbelievable to you. Minho laid down next to you and pressed his lips to your neck as his hand worked on his cock in a relaxed pace. 

You let out a moan when Jeongin snapped his hips into yours at a harder intensity, feeling every vein inside of your aching core. His length disappeared inside of you like it was meant to be there. Your walls welcomed his warmth like a prophecy, and you couldn’t help but moan curses every time you felt the revelation that was sex with Jeongin; his cockhead kissing your cervix in an immeasurable amount of pleasure. Minho’s fingers dived to work on your clit, setting a offbeat pace to Jeongin’s; which, admittedly, made the experience even more arousing. The mismatched tempos made you feel warm inside — warm and fuzzy and confused and sinful—- and that feeling made you cum. Your orgasm surprised you whilst you clenched harshly around Jeongin, whose release was triggered in an instant. You felt Jeongin’s thick, hot cum fill you up so deliciously that you wanted to keep it inside of you forever. Your walls milked everything from him as he spasmed inside of you, whispering sweet nothings into your ear. Jeongin settled next to you, still panting from the intensity of his orgasm. 

Minho placed a pillow under you, you turned around, so your stomach laid comfortably on top of the pillow, which gave you support at the same time. You and Minho usually had sex in this position when he knew that you were already exhausted. You could already feel Jeongin’s cum leaking out of you and you clenched your legs together in order to stop it from dripping. 

“Are you ready, baby?” Jeongin asked with a smirk, you looked down to see his spent cock —a dripping mess but half-hard against his happy trail. You nodded, looking back at Minho, who was positioning his cock on your entrance. 

“Aw, Jeonginnie stretched you so well for me.” Minho remarked, prodding his cock inside of you in an agonizingly slow pace. 

Minho’s cock felt comforting inside of you, even if once upon a time, it had been intimidating to fit in you. His girth always surprised you, making you feel every inch of him in great detail. You sought out to remember him entirely, how he feels inside of you; how he groans and moans and teases you with his pace. Minho’s expert hips were angled perfectly so you could feel him in the deepest depths of your cunt but also your soul. Sex with Minho was different, it was ardent and intimate and experienced. You had done this hundreds of times with him and it still made your heartbeat like it was the first. 

“You feel otherworldly, baby.” Minho groaned into your ear as his hips kept a steady rhythm. “You make me want to come instantly. I feel like a virgin.” You chuckled lightly, not being able to register much of was he was saying; too cockdrunk to care. “I missed being inside of you. I missed fucking cum further into you… even if it’s not mine.” 

You looked at Jeongin who was smiling proudly despite of the blush on his cheeks. 

“You two look really good too.” Jeongin confessed. “You’re perfect, Y/N.”

Minho quickened his pace inside of you, clearly aroused by Jeongin’s praise. Minho’s thrusts were so powerful that both Jeongin and the room looked blurry in your eyes. You could only feel the absolute pleasure of Minho’s thrusts and Jeongin’s praise. So, you closed your eyes and took everything in.

You lowered your hand to your swollen clit and circled it gently, setting a similar rhythm to Minho’s thrusts. You felt two sets of lips kissing down your shoulders and spine. Even with your eyes closed, you could tell who Minho was and who was Jeongin. You continued rubbing your clit, chasing your impending climax. 

“F-fuck! Keep doing that, please.” You begged. 

“Don’t beg, baby or I’ll cum just now.” Minho grunted. You felt yourself clenching around him.  

“Cum, Min. Cum.” You cried. 

“I can’t.” He groaned. “Two loads of cum… might get you pregnant.” He said, in between pants, and you felt his cock twitch inside of you.

“So, what?” You said, “don’t you want to fill me up? Jeonginnie filled me up well, but I know there’s room for you.” Minho moaned against your shoulder, lightly biting it. That’s when you felt your orgasm approaching you. 

You felt yourself spasm, and you could see both white and the faint memories of you and Minho and Jeongin together as you came. Minho tried to pull out, but your moans and your clenching felt so right that he couldn’t bear to. Minho spasmed as well, filling you up to the brim with generous amounts of his cum. It felt warm and fuzzy and lovely inside of you. It made you feel complete, in a way. You were, quite literally, full of love —full of the people that you loved. 

Minho gave you one last kiss on your head and collapsed to your other side. You turned to look at Jeongin, who was panting too. You looked down to see his cock laying in a pool of his own cum on his abdomen. He kissed your lips gently. And then, you looked at Minho who was catching his breath. His chest heaved; the thatch of hair on his pubic bone was matted with a mix of all your climaxes. You smiled and turned back to Jeongin.

“I do love you.” You blurted out in an unintentional confession to his dazed form. “Shit— sorry.”

“I love you too, Y/N.” Jeongin grinned widely as he, himself confessed his love for you. “I’m glad that you love me back.”

“Me too...” You smiled at him and turned your head to look at Minho. “I love you, Min.”

“I love you most, baby.” He said and looked at Jeongin with his signature smirk. “I hope you know that we really love you.”

“And that you’re my —our favorite person in the world…” Jeongin added. “We talked about this one night, sorry. We want to make things work.”

“The three of us?” You asked, in your own dazed confusion.

“The three of us.” Minho reassured. 

You let out a sigh of relief.  

“I love you both.”

The End

☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°

 a/n: this was actually really hard to write but I knew that I had to give them a sweet ending <3 it took me like a billion years but this throuple is so dear to me 

[tofuo0]

eternus

dottore x gn reader

tags: angst/comfort, established relationship (marriage), reader is having an existential crisis, use of dottore’s (speculated) real name, dottie is somewhat ooc at times, there are so many rhetorical questions in this I’m so sorry, self-indulgent (was going through the motions writing this honestly)

word count: 914

————————————————————————

It was rare to find you like this.

Dottore was used to seeing you full of life - always with something to do to occupy your time. On the days where you left yourself with your thoughts, it was never anything severe. Always about what you would do tomorrow or how pretty the snow looks outside your window.

Never did he see you look so… pensive.

Lying upright in bed, staring into the great unknown. This was different from regular daydreaming - it was as if you were hollow. Unresponsive to any stimuli, not the snarling winds outside, not the sharp pang of cold. You were a husk.

He approached your shared bed gingerly, mindful not to startle you out of your stupor. You hadn’t blinked once since he first observed you through the crack in the door. How strange. He loathed the pooling dread drowning his senses - he hated seeing you so vegetative.

His feet met the edge of the bed. Still not a movement from you. Should he try to get your attention using his voice? His own movements? Or maybe just leave you be. No, it wouldn’t sit right with him to leave you like this. He carefully leaned down and lightly tapped your shoulder. You snapped your head around to meet his gaze.

“O-oh, hi Zandik! Sorry, I was just zoning out a bit. Do you need anything?”

Your voice sounded artificial, if anything. You feigned energy, feigned control, but Dottore’s gaze pierced right through.

“What’s the matter?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Your ‘zoning out’ was different from usual. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I promise!”

You attempted to gain back the sparkle in your eyes and that genuine smile he loved so dearly. And once again, it was false.

“I don’t appreciate it when you lie to me.”

“I’m not lying!”

“So now you’re in denial.”

“…”

It seemed that he was getting through. At the very least, you still had the lucidity to argue with him. You averted his gaze, fumbling with the edge of the blanket. Why were you so anxious to tell him your troubles? What could’ve happened to breach the dense walls of your contentment? He waited to see if you would speak, and sure enough…

“I’m scared.”

How unexpected.

“Of?”

“You’ll think it’s stupid if I explain it…”

“You wouldn’t have brought it up if you weren’t desperate to explain it.”

You braced yourself - for what, you weren’t entirely sure. While you had your fair share of philosophical conversations with your lover, they were never tainted in melancholy. Just pure, unadulterated curiosity. Would he laugh at you for pondering such things? Or look at you scornfully, wondering why he betrothed someone so pitiful? Either way, you had no way of going back now.

“Do you ever think about… eternity, Zandik?”

“Eternity… I suppose I have. But under what circumstances?”

Dottore took the opportunity to slip into bed next to you, observing you with his usual clinical stare. This time, however, it was laced also with concern. Your voice shuddered slightly with your next statement. “I’ve just been thinking about the world, you know? We’re all confined to this place, and this is where we’ll die. But what happens after? Not to us, but the world. The universe. What will that look like in ten, a hundred, ten billion years from now? What will be left? It’s just so far away, that thinking about it is so…”, you paused, unable to continue for fear of tearing up in front of Dottore.

“So this is what’s been spiralling in that head of yours.” he stated objectively, as though he was making conclusions from an experiment. You had faced away from him, wiping away at stray tears with your sleeve. He placed a firm hand on your shoulder.

“Look at me.”

You slowly turned your head, adjusting your sleeves around your face to he wouldn’t see your tears. It was arbitrary; he was always going to pull your arms aside anyway. He grasped your hand, squeezing it.

“Where are we right now?”

What a silly question, you thought.

“In our room…”

“Precisely. We are here, right now. In this moment, you and I are sitting here, in our bed.”

He paused.

“I won’t condemn you for pondering the future, but I want to bring you back to the present. You’ll only suffer more by thinking the way you are right now.”

He was right, as always, but his words didn’t resolve the thoughts still buried in your mind. And he saw that.

“Come here.”

He opened up the blanket and pet his lap, inviting you to lay on top of him. You accepted, meekly climbing and adjusting so your face was buried in the crook of his neck.

“I am aware that I cannot comfort you with words in your current predicament. But know that life isn’t worth living if you’re too busy thinking about what lies beyond it. And know that I will be here when your thoughts turn on you, always.” That broke you. It broke away the shell you had been building up all day, the one submerging your normally fulfilled self. The tears started again, slow at first, then heavier and heavier. He felt each wrack of sobs and heaves as they crashed through your body, the waves washing away the remnants of your husk.

“T-thank you, Zandik…”

He hummed in response, grasping you impossibly tighter. He wouldn’t let go of you tonight.

[soleillunne]

Friends,

I’ve been sitting on this for a while, staring at a blank text post and thinking, “Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow. Maybe I’m just being sensitive. Maybe if I wait a little longer, it’ll pass.” But it hasn’t passed. It’s only gotten heavier. And I think it’s finally time I say it out loud: I’m leaving Tumblr.

This isn’t something I say lightly. This blog has been a part of me for a long time. I’ve laughed here, cried here, made memories, made friends—real, wonderful friends who’ve gotten me through tough nights and reminded me that there are still kind people in the world. I’ve posted silly things and overshared at 2AM and poured my heart into my writing and, for a while, this space felt like home.

But lately, that feeling has been slipping away. The energy here has changed, and I don’t feel safe or happy in the way I used to. I wish I could pretend that wasn’t true. I wish I could hold on tighter. But the truth is, being here has started to hurt more than it heals.

The anon hate has been relentless. And I know that’s a common thing on this site, but that doesn’t make it easier. I try to brush it off, to not let it get to me—but it does get to me. How could it not? These messages aren’t just annoying or rude—they’re personal. Cruel. Designed to make me feel like I’m not wanted, like I’m not good enough, like I should just stop trying. And when that kind of thing hits you over and over again, it starts to stick. I’ve found myself second-guessing everything. My writing. My personality. My presence. My worth.

And on top of that... I feel invisible.

I put so much of myself into the things I share here—my writing, my ideas, my love for characters, for stories, for this community—and lately, it feels like none of it matters. The interactions have slowed to a trickle, and even when I try to be excited, to start conversations, to cheer on others... it’s been quiet. Too quiet. And I know this isn’t about clout or notes or whatever, but it hurts to feel like I’m shouting into a void. Like I’m the only one clapping at a show I put on for a crowd that isn’t looking.

It’s hard to keep showing up for a space that doesn’t feel like it sees you anymore.

I don’t say any of this to guilt anyone or point fingers. I know life is busy, I know people are going through things, and I know Tumblr is weird and ever-changing. But I also know that I’m allowed to want connection, to want kindness, to want to feel like what I create matters to someone. And right now... I don’t feel that here.

I’ve tried so hard to push through. I’ve stayed quiet about how bad it’s gotten because I didn’t want to seem dramatic or needy. I kept telling myself, “Just wait. It’ll get better.” But it hasn’t. And I can’t keep pretending I’m okay when I’m not. I need to step back for the sake of my own mental health.

This isn’t an easy goodbye. I love so many of you so much. You’ve been my people. You’ve made me laugh when I needed it most. You’ve made me feel heard, seen, and supported in ways I’ll never forget. You’ve given me so many moments of joy and comfort, and I will always carry those with me.

If you want to stay in touch, please reach out. I’m not disappearing completely—I’m just removing myself from a space that’s been doing more harm than good. I need to find peace again. I need to write because I want to, not because I feel like I’m screaming just to be noticed. I need to remember what it feels like to enjoy being creative, to feel inspired, to feel safe.

So... thank you. Thank you for the love you’ve given me. Thank you for reading my stories, for sending kind messages, for just being here when it mattered. You’ve made a difference. You really have. And I hope, in some way, I’ve been able to do the same for you.

Take care of yourselves. Be kind—to others, and to yourself. And if you’re feeling the way I’ve been feeling, please know you’re not alone. You matter. You’re loved. You deserve better, too.

I’ll miss you. But I need to do this—for me.

With love, always,

Alyssa, @soleillunne.

⤷ previous pinned

⤷ writing blog (also archived as of today): @amalythea

[pixeldistractions]

content warning: cancer

Colette had sworn off dating forever after her last terrible failure. But the line for coffee today was absurdly long, and having no other idle interests than to browse the faces of desperate men, she opened up her dating app. There was something casually entertaining about swiping left, swiping right. Hot or not, like a game. She didn’t plan to connect with any of them. Lately, this app was only full of college boys. The only mature men were bald with beach balls for bellies. Not that a bald head couldn’t be very attractive on the right man, but these men weren’t attractive at all.

The line was still five people deep, all of them moaning about the places they needed to go. 

Colette’s phone rang. At a glance, it was her mother, and Colette had no desire to answer it. She probably wanted money, or to turn her alliances against her brothers for some unearned sympathy, or maybe even a kidney. Colette wouldn't be surprised if that ask came along someday.

There would be some ask involved in this conversation and Colette didn’t have the spirit for it today. She let the call go to voicemail, but her mother didn’t leave one. She called again. Then she called a third time. 

Nobody calls three times without leaving a voicemail unless there’s something urgent to say. Oh, damn, it was going to be the kidney, wasn't it? And there was no way Colette wanted to have that conversation with her mother in a line full of impatient people with nothing better to do but eavesdrop. 

Colette let out an anguished sigh and gave up her place in line. She found a quiet corner in the lounge and called her mother back. 

“Mom?”

“Colette, there you are. I know it’s been some time, hasn’t it? That's a shame. Family should be more important than that, don't you think? Well, I have some news. It seemed important to tell you. So… I have a little cancer.”

The prickly contempt Colette had reserved for her mother turned into something entirely different—a deep, blank feeling. Cancer. How was she supposed to feel about this? “Uh, you’re dying?”

Loraine barked out a condescending laugh. “Oh, Lord, I hope not! It’s stage one. They say it’s early. I bet you wish I would die.”

Colette shook her head, feeling somewhat relieved and also confused she felt that way. “Why would I care if you die? You don’t have anything to leave me but debt.”

“You’ve always been such a cold cold girl. I won’t go easy, but I will be dead someday, and you’ll be sorry you said that.”

Colette shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.”

“You kept my grandchildren away from me. You’re really going to hold a grudge for ten years?” 

“I can hold a grudge a lot longer than that! Watch me. Why are you calling? You want money? Your treatments are covered by Medicare. You probably only want more Botox. I need my money more than you need Botox. Jordan left. Again.”

Colette instantly regretted telling her mother that unfortunate truth. Her mother hadn’t earned access to such private disappointments. She braced herself for the judgment that was coming. 

“Well, well. I always told you to pick a better man, my dear.”

That was why Colette didn’t tell her mother things. 

“This is not just about money,” Lorraine said. “I’d like to see the boys.”

“That’s for you, not for them,” Colette said. “What good would you bring to their lives?”

“Can’t it be for me? I could die, you know. You wouldn’t let me see them, even if it was my dying wish?”

“You said you weren’t dying.”

“Well, we’re all dying, aren’t we? I hope it’s not soon, but you never know.”

“That’s not their problem.”

“They don’t have grandparents in their life. I know that. What kind of childhood is it growing up without a grandmother?”

“And they’re doing just fine without.” Colette couldn’t imagine what kind of grandmother her mother would be. Would she dote on them for split seconds before turning on a dime when they didn’t suit her ego anymore? Colette didn’t want her boys to know that heartbreak. They already had a fickle father to deal with. 

“Colette, don’t make me beg.”

“Ha, you wouldn’t beg. I might like to hear it though. Go on.”

The line was silent for a few moments. Colette got her hopes up. 

“You always had to have it your way, didn’t you? There’s an emotional aspect to fighting a disease like this. You’re putting stress on my heart. You think on that, and let me know when you’ve changed your mind.”

*click*

Colette thought her boys were worth begging for, after everything. But her mother didn’t beg. She didn't even say "please." Colette felt stupid that she actually hoped she might.

— boxes and squares #5.3: hindsight is a bitch, part 7/10

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[roots-symphony]

do you think the reason agatha’s trial felt weird is because she was the only one who did not actually buy into the mythos of the road since she knew the truth? like that was why no perspective change and all the other reasons why people thought it was a fake trial

[lesbiansanemi]

Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb

[thebluebygracieabrams]

okay ventpost time im bored and my period is late

[quatregats]

Okay I do think that perhaps being forced to live in a farmhouse in rural Iberia somewhere for like a minimum of a year would fix me maybe but also I have made the choice not to do that and cut off everyone in my life and I need to stick with that choice

[bear-of-varley]

I'm finally done with my university studies like all I have to do is submit some journal entries and my final and that's it. Forever. I never have to do a master's degree ever again and you'll never make me.

[hotroadkill]

today 2 years ago i was in america and i had the worst hangover of my life and i was in a waffle house with my friend in awkward silence bc we’d fought in a stranger’s kitchen the night before and the server refilled my water for the 5th time while i fought to swallow half a forkful of hashbrowns and she said “i know that look, y’all had a good time at the superbowl last night” and i was thinking actually we had a mediocre time at a nerd bar where u throw darts and all the drinks r named weird things and anyway my friend gives the fakest laugh ive ever heard followed by “yep we sure did” like are we in a CW show right now what was that line delivery and also what even is the superbowl i was born here and should know but honestly i’ve always just pictured everyone gathering at a comically large bowl of cereal but her nametag says leslie and she’s really nice and she’s refilling my water for the 6th time so yeah sure whatever i’m a red blooded american i’ll be anything for leslie in this moment and she tells us stories about working at bars downtown and my friend tells me bad jokes and i feel a little better even though my heart is kind of withering away because my flight is in 17 hours and theres not enough time never enough time i won’t see him for another year and a half and i won’t ever see leslie again and if i ever run into the italian stranger who fell in love with me over darts then it won’t be the same because we won’t be dancing and i’m sitting in a waffle house while the sun sets and i’m sweating gin and tequila and my flight is in 16 hours and i have so many goodbyes to say in this

city because when i was fifteen somebody threw my glass heart onto the floor of my childhood house and bits of it shattered everywhere and fell into the cracks of the floorboards and behind the fridge and i’ll never ever get them out much less back together but i feel like ive been trying for eight years all the same and my flight is in 15 hours but maybe if my friend brings me home now i can spend three of those looking for more shards even though i’ll cut my hand because time never wore down any of the hurt because time might heal wounds but it cant really do jack shit about a metaphysical glass shard its still gonna make me bleed and my friend brings me home and we curl up beside each other in my childhood bedroom thats too small for us it was really a supply room but it became my bedroom when i was eleven and i painted it blue and put up stickers of fish and never took them down but someone someday will take them down and hopefully the house burns to the ground before anyone can touch them theyre mine i grew up here theyre mine dont touch them dont please dont please please please i grew up here and my flight is in 12 hours now because i fell asleep beside my friend and he let me because he knew i needed it he kept watch even though we dont have time we never do because he has to go now and all i can give him is a hug and my hoodie to keep safe until i can see him again and fight him in a stranger’s kitchen again and the sun is gone now and i go and i sit with my dad and my flight is in 10 hours and im trying

not to cry im trying to stare at the stickers because maybe if i look at all of it hard enough i’ll get to stay but i dont because thats not how it works and now my flight is in 4 hours because i fell asleep in my childhood loft bed and now i have to leave i have to pack up and go for the fifth time and it never never gets easier and i know i only have a few more trips left until someone takes my stickers down and paints over my ocean but for now my best friend’s stepmother comes with me and my dad to the airport because my best friend is in college two states away and my flight is in 3 hours and i cry i cry so much and she cries too because she loves me and i think it is such a beautiful blessed thing that i am so loved but oh it is so painful too because i spend more time in its absence than its presence and my flight is in 2 hours and i have to go and my dad is waving goodbye and i see it because i looked back because im stupid i always look back i never look forward i’m forever walking blind through my life because i’m looking back and i can tell my dad is crying and now i have to go through TSA sobbing and it’s awkward because they ask are you okay kid and im not but i cant tell them sorry its just that when i was fifteen somebody threw my glass heart onto the floor of my childhood house and bits of it shattered everywhere and fell into the cracks of the floorboards and behind the fridge and i’ll never ever get them out i cant tell them that so i nod yes im okay and i go and my flight is in 1 hour and i hope it fucking crashes and my flight is in the air and im so far away from all those shards on the kitchen floor now but they’re hurting me all the same and i think i look kind of insane sobbing in the middle seat but how can i miss so many people and so many rooms at once and not lose my mind a little bit? i was going to tell you a short witty little joke about the time i realized i was 21 and didnt know what the superbowl was but i think i slipped on a shard. i’m sorry. maybe next time i’ll get it right. maybe in another two years. maybe you’ll never see me again. maybe this is all the time we had.