#i realise. hey i love all my family members individually but they should never be allowed in a room together !

[helloidkwhatimdoing-0]

Woke up today so excited it was christmas eve and then was cruelly reminded by the world that I actually dislike christmas

[marvelfansince08love]

My best friend and my sister

Word count: 3714

Pairing: Tammy x Miller!Reader (Lou’s younger sister)

Prompts requested: 1 “Why didn’t you tell me” 18 “How could you be so irresponsible?” 

A/N: For my sweet Anon, I hope you enjoy x Sorry it’s taking so long to get these out, I’ve been very burnt out recently but I’m back on track now! 

Tags: @waitingfortheendtocome @natasha-danvers @saucy-sapphic @witchxaf @creepingwolfberry​ @chewbacca0805​ @coconutlipss​

Prompts 1 & 18 

You and Lou had always been close growing up. Having such a cool older sister had its perks. Like when you were eight years old and you had pleaded and begged for that toy you had spotted in the window but your parents had shook their heads, not having enough money to afford ‘special gifts’. Those were only reserved for birthdays and Christmas’s. You had walked out of the store devastated with tears in your eyes until Lou walked you around the corner and revealed the toy from the depths of her long coat, a finger to her lips and a wink keeping the secret gift between you both. Lou had been seventeen then and was struggling to find a part time job to help pay some of the family's bills and so she could buy you gifts. 

“Every kid should have a few toys growing up. Including you, Y/N.” She would say. 

Once Lou had reached the sweet old age of twenty-one, an opportunity had presented itself before her, one that she just couldn't refuse. One right where the tall green statue stood proud overlooking the city of dreams. New York City was Lou's chance to make something of herself and, who were you to deny her of that?

"This could be good for us, Y/N! I could make enough money to bring you over and you can live with me!"  She had exclaimed, excitement filling her youthful blue eyes. You had nodded and basked in her excitement, the dreading feeling of abandonment slowly creeping its way through into your chest.

Once you had turned eighteen, Lou had kept to her promise of bringing you over to the big city, flying first class from Australia and leaving your parents down under, ready to start your new life; a better life. 

You had lived with Lou while studying in New York. Your apartment was small, but enough for the two of you. That was, until Lou introduced you to the infamous Deborah Ocean. The woman was beautiful and mysterious, her words carefully calculated, her dark eyes taking in the room before she had even stepped into it. You thought she was pretty badass compared to your older sister, especially when you found out what they did for a living. The ‘jobs’ that they did helped keep you both afloat through your first few years in New York City, especially when the bigger jobs were coming through, which helped you move into a bigger, fancier place that you could call home. 

That was the day you fell in love with the most breath-taking human you had ever laid eyes on. The woman was average height, her blonde hair resting against her breasts in soft curls. The small dark freckle on the corner of her upper lip drawing you in and oh, that wide smile that lit up her whole face making her brown eyes sparkle ever so slightly under the sunlight that seeped into the open living room space where you had stood, staring a little too long at this stunning woman.

"Stop drooling, kid. You're gonna end up needing the mop at this rate and we haven't even put an offer in yet," Debbie had whispered to you, teasing your love sick expression. You had snapped out of your gaze at that remark, stuttering over your words trying to defend yourself. You both stood and watched as Lou and this beautiful blonde discussed the price by the bay window overlooking the busy streets of New York. Tammy was her name, and it was the most beautiful name you had ever heard of, her soft voice showing a tiny hint of a lisp making you swoon just that bit more for her.

She was an old friend of Debbie's who knew just the right places for the best prices around the area, she had also helped with some of the more high profiled jobs when needed, mainly moving various illegal items across borders. You looked at the sweet blonde in awe, wondering how a woman like that could look so innocent and sweet. 

You had never gotten over that first meeting with Tammy but as the years went by and you matured into a strong minded individual, you realised that you'd rather ignore that pining feeling and continue on with your life as if nothing had changed within you that day. As if you hadn't pictured her breathless beneath you while you buried your fingers deep inside her throbbing heat or how good her left hand would look with a diamond ring on her finger letting everyone know she is yours and you are hers.

No, she was a friend of your sister… your older sister, and a good friend at that.

'Still, it doesn't stop you from thinking about how sweet she would sound moaning your name,' You think bitterly to yourself, hating that you still have this pull to her. 

That’s why you totally weren’t stalking her social media page as you entered your shared apartment with your older sister and her best friend. Briefcase in hand and your eyes glued to your phone screen, eyes transfixed on the sweet blonde who’s smile still makes your stomach flutter. 

You were so invested in your scrolling that you had missed the knowing smirk shared between your sister and her best friend. 

“Hey Kid, how was your first day on the job?” Lou asks, hiding her smirk beneath her coffee mug as Debbie lays out the new flooring plans for their next big job. You look up at the sound of her voice, taking in the blue papers on the living room table.

“Yeah, it was good! The students were lovely and eager, which was encouraging.” You gush, the excitement from your first successful day distracting you from the breath-taking photos of your secret crush.

“God, just the thought of college makes me shiver now. Thank god I develop my skills as a con artist.” Debbie jokes, her eyes trained on the carefully mapped out plan. You move to sit next to her, leaning your chin onto her shoulder pointing at an unmarked area on the layout plans. 

“If you place the camera chip by the corner on the east wing here, that should cover up to the left side of the entryway down the hall.” You mumble, before grabbing Debbie’s hot coffee and taking a sip. Lou scoffs from her seat across but you can spot the pride in her eyes. Living with two very intelligent con artists has its perks. Debbie kisses the top of your head with enthusiasm.

“You’re the best, pumpkin. Still think you’re going down the right career path?” She questions, a playful smirk appearing on her lips making you shake your head as you move towards your bedroom. 

“You guys have your thing, I have mine. Besides, I’m far too good for your lil crew, Ocean.” You joke, turning to wink at the brunette before heading into your room. You falter slightly upon closing your door hearing your sister’s voice shout through to you from the other side. 

“The ‘crew’ are coming over later to go through the plan. You wanna join us?!” You bump your head lightly against your wooden door, already feeling the knowing smirks coming from both women. 

“Maybe. I’ll see how I feel later.” You reply against the door, before moving away and removing your work clothes piece by piece, leaving a trail of material towards the en-suite bathroom. 

Placing your phone on the drawer by the bathroom door, you head in for a shower completely missing the new text message from your favourite blonde.

Hey darling! I hope your first day went well. Can’t wait to hear all about it tonight! Tam x

***

Writing up the last few lines for your lesson plans, you look towards the digital clock on your desk as your stomach flutters in anticipation at seeing the blonde. You see, you may have never seeked out your intentions with Tammy but you would be fooling yourself if you thought you were over your silly crush on the woman. 

A loud knock on your door interrupts your thoughts. 

“Y/N! They’ll be here soon, are you joining us or not?” Lou’s deep voice came muffled from the other side of your door.

“Uh, yeah. Let me finish up this lesson plan and I’ll be out.” You reply, distracted by your thoughts. Shaking your head, you refocus back onto the task at hand before you can let your thoughts trail off into a much more filthier place.

You continue to write in your planner making sure that every detail has been looked over at least twice wanting everything to be perfect, completely unaware of the unannounced presence that stands by your doorway leaning heavily against the doorframe, soft eyes gazing lovingly at your hunched over figure. 

“Hey, you.” 

The voice startles you from your productivity, making you gasp and swirl around swiftly at the unexpected voice. Hand on chest, you try to catch your breath as the sweet angelic sound of Tammy’s laughter echoes throughout the bedroom. 

“Oh my god, Tammy! You gotta warn me next time.” You breathe, turning back to rearrange your notepad and planner. Tammy chuckles this time before pushing away from the doorframe and making herself comfortable at the foot of the bed.

“I’m sorry darling, but we’ve been out there for nearly an hour and well.. I missed you. We haven’t hung out with you much lately and we’re missing our most valuable member of the crew.” She confesses, a small smile playing on her lips as she takes in your room. You feel your heart flutter at the thought of her missing you, but you quickly squish down the thought knowing she didn’t mean just her but the rest of the gang. 

“Oh shit! I hadn’t realised the time. You guys haven’t ordered yet, right?” You ask, eyes hopeful and mouth watering at the thought of some delicious greasy pizza. 

“We have..” You pout at her words before watching her smile wide at you. “But don’t worry Y/N, I ordered your favourite.” She informs you with a smug expression. You leap out of your chair and practically leap towards her, placing your arms around her shoulder you press a big kiss to her cheek before moving away just as quickly heading for the living room.

“This is why you’re my favourite, Tam Tam.” You exclaim, already out of the room before she could blink. Within your excitement you missed how the blonde touched her cheek where you had placed the kiss onto her scorching skin, a tint of pink blushing across her cheeks. 

Yeah, you weren’t the only one smitten. 

***

Over the next few days, you had helped your sister and her crew form the perfect plan to take over the new Randervelt Museum and their very expensive art pieces. Debbie had dropped enough hints that you ended up being a part of the plan. 

“We can’t do this without you, Y/n.” 

“The money is good.” 

How could you say no? After all, you were a Miller and the thrill of a heist had always been appealing to you ever since your sister brought you along to your first one when you turned 21. “It’s tradition”, Lou had said. 

During that time, you had noticed Tammy had been awfully quiet around you. Sometimes you would catch her staring just a little too long at you before she would turn away and engage in conversation with one of the others, as if nothing was wrong. You had tried to talk to her about her odd behaviour but every time you got her alone, she would make some kind of excuse to not be around you. 

You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt but the plan had gone smoothly with everyone accounted for, all except for well... you. 

“Where is she, Constance?” Tammy raged through her earpiece, getting ready to jump back out of the van and go searching for you herself. 

“She’s got caught up with that big ass guard. I’m going to intervene to see if I can get her out of the way.” Constance replies, far too calm for her liking. 

“What do you mean caught up with the guard?! What’s he saying to her?” 

“I dunno but, uh… it seems like he’s flirting with her.” Tammy gulps slightly at that, feeling her stomach drop. 

“Well, get him to back off before I come in there and do it myself.” She says through gritted teeth.

“Alright girl, chill the F out. I’ll go get your girl.” She mumbles into her ear. Tammy’s eyes widen at the blunt statement as she hears quiet chuckling from the others. 

“Ladies, can we please focus? This is my sister and I swear to god if anything happens to her I- just… Constance, go and get her. Me and Debbie are going to bring round the other truck so we can transfer the paintings over to you, got it?” Lou’s authoritative voice crackles through the earpiece. A collective of sorry's are mumbled across the team as everyone returned back to the task at hand. Tammy holds her breath, waiting for Constance's confirmation of a safe exit with you in toe. 

“Got her. We’re on our way out now, be ready for us.” 

She can finally breathe again.

***

The journey back to the warehouse was quiet and tense. Tammy tried to let go of the pent up frustration and unwanted anger of having you in such a situation in the first place, but she couldn’t seem to drop it. That is, if her knee bouncing rapidly had anything to say about it. 

You kept your eyes fixed on the empty seat across from you, knowing that a certain pair of  brown doe eyes were burning into your skull from the spot across. Once you had all entered the apartment, the team disperses towards the living area bringing in the pieces one by one. 

Tammy is no longer able to keep her thoughts to herself, the words ready to spill from her throat. 

“How could you be so irresponsible?” She scolded, turning towards you. 

Your eyes widen as you gape at her, showing your shock at her blunt words. 

You can hear Lou chastising Tammy quietly in warning from across the room, but from the look on the blonde's face she wasn’t about to listen to her friend.  

“Excuse me?” You exclaim, taking a step closer to her. 

“You could have gotten into some serious trouble back there Y/N, if that guy had caught onto what you were doing.. You need to be more careful.” She lectured, trying to slow down her rapid breathing knowing that secretly, deep down, it wasn’t your fault. 

“Are you being serious right now?!” You question, baffled by her defensive behaviour. 

“I knew it was a bad idea putting you in danger like that. I should have said something.” Tammy mutters to herself, but her words are clear enough for you to hear. 

“What do you mean, Tam? Is that why you’ve been so weird with me? I knew there was something up with you.” You summarize, pointing an accusing finger at the blonde. You notice at the corner of your eye, the other woman silently leaving the room, clearly not wanting to be involved. 

Your eyes catch your sisters, her crystal blue eyes staring back at you with understanding and knowing, baffling you even more before Debbie escorts her reluctant form out of the room, knowing that you are old enough to deal with the problem at hand.

“Okay, fine! I was pissed off, alright? I hated the fact that you were dragged into yet another job, an illegal job might I add. You are doing something good with your life right now, darling. I don’t want you getting mixed up in all of this. You’re too good for this.” She says, indicating towards the stolen art pieces. You frown at just how concerned she is with your involvement.

“Why do you care so much, Tam? I’m just your best friend's kid sister, remember?” You mock, remembering back to the time when you overheard her conversation with Debbie about your odd relationship with the older woman. 

“She’s young, Debs. I’m merely being a friend.”  Those were her words back then and they still stung to this day. 

Tammy drops her gaze, shame evident, remembering how she saw your retreating form from the corner of her eye back when she spoke to Debbie about her confusing feelings towards you.  

“I only said that because I was too scared to admit how I actually felt about you, Y/N.” Her voice soft, faltering slightly under her confession. Her eyes bright with unshed tears, her shoulders dropping as if the weight of her secret love for you has been lifted. You gape at the woman in front of you, overwhelmed with uncertainty and hope.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You managed to croak out, unable to form further words. 

Tammy shrugs her shoulders in defeat, before slowly meeting your conflicted gaze. You could see the vulnerability in those big brown eyes, making you step towards her. That instant pull between you growing stronger just like it had during that first meeting. 

“What, and tell your sister ‘oh hey, I know I’m one of your closest friends but I’m in love with your younger sister’? I don’t think that would have gone down well back then, do you?” You both chuckle slightly realising how ridiculous this all is. 

“I’m pretty sure she’s known something was going on,” you pause for a minute, thinking carefully about your next words. “Because I dunno if you know this, but I’ve been in love with you since I first laid my eyes on you.” You confess, folding your arms across your chest as if to protect yourself from your own words. 

Before you could apologise or take back your words, scared by the fallen silence that has settled between you both, Tammy walks the last few steps towards you placing her hands gently against your jaw, cupping your face within the palms of her hands. The tenderness within her hold makes you want to cry at just how much love seeps from her one single touch. 

“I would very much like to kiss you.” She whispers, her lips an inch away from your own. You close your eyes basking in the moment before you reply. 

“Then, do it.” Her lips clash with your own at your words, desperate as if they’ve been waiting a million years just to touch your own soft lips. Her tongue traces along your bottom lip making you part your lips ever so slightly but enough for her to trace her tongue along your own, fighting for dominance. Bringing your hands up, you thread your fingers through long blonde locks keeping her close not wanting to break away just yet. You continue with this fight for dominance with your mouths before the distinctive sound of someone gagging makes you break apart. 

Turning your heads to the side, you both see Lou and the others stood by the doorway with stupid grins on their faces. All except for Lou, who was fake gagging next to Debbie who just rolled her eyes at her best friend's antics. 

“Are you guys done sucking each other's faces? Because I wanna order pizza.” Nine says with indifference, before moving into the room and towards the kitchen where the food menus lay scattered on the kitchen island table. 

The others laugh watching as you both fluster at being caught making out like teenagers. You eye up your sister who has been very quiet about the whole exchange, feeling Tammy shift uncomfortably next to you clearly waiting for your sister to react. 

You keep a supportive arm around her waist, silently telling her that no matter what you’re both stronger than the rejection. Lou walks agonizingly slowly towards you both with a stoic face, giving nothing away while Debbie rolls her eyes at her friend's dramatics, once again. 

“My best friend and my sister...” Is all she says, as if trying to piece the information together out loud. 

You gulp once she’s up close to you, standing with her arms crossed as her eyes flicker between you and Tammy. The silent exchange feels like it goes on for a century before she breaks out into a huge smile, showing her pearly white teeth and her arms out wide towards you both.

“My best friend and my sister!” She exclaims excitingly, before pulling you both into a three-way hug. You both lock eyes over your sister’s shoulder, relief evident in those perfect brown eyes making you grin softly. 

“Yeah, me and your sister, Lou.” Tammy says as she laughs at your sister's antics. Lou pulls back, holding your shoulders with her hands eyeing your now clasped hands. 

“Just don’t make it gross, yeah? She’s still my little sister and I will kick your arse if you hurt her, Tam Tam.” Lou threatens, but the tone of her voice clearly shows she’s only half joking. 

You roll your eyes at your sister’s empty threat before she bops you on the nose, which you bat away with your free hand. 

“That goes for you as well, kid. She’s still one of my best friends, you hurt her in any way then me and you will be having words. Got it?” She promises, before winking and walking back towards the kitchen where the others have been not so subtly listening in to the exchange. 

You look at the blonde in front of you, taking in her soft features and perfect smile, overwhelmed with love for this woman in front of you.  Leaning in, you kiss the corner of her mouth softly. 

“I could never hurt you Tam Tam. Who would get my pizza order right, if not you?” You tease, watching the mischievous glint burn within her brown eyes as she playfully shoves you. 

“You, dork.” Grabbing her hand quickly, you place it over your heart and whisper. 

“But I’m your dork,” you smile cheekily at her.

“Yeah, my dork.” She confirms, her adoring eyes gazing into your own thinking to herself. 

Finally.

[halpertstuna]

magical moonlight - jj maybank

summary: a mysterious girl catches jj’s eye, but is it possible she only caught his?

-> prompt list <-

pairing: jj x reader

word count: 1,524

warnings: spooky vibes, probably typos and a touch of supernatural spirits!

A/N: this is a short lil’ halloween imagine, which was actually supposed to be a blurb. ofc i’m late per usual and posting this on november. also, this is kinda supernatural which i don’t usually do, but it was halloween, so why the fuck not!

hope you enjoy<3

-> masterlist <-

(gif credit: @toesure )

—

“What the hell are you doing JJ? Quit staring, you’re gonna scare her away,” Pope remarked snapping JJ out of his trance like gaze.

“What? I was not staring”

“Was too. By the way, you’ve got a little drool over there” John B. said mockingly, marking where he should wipe. JJ mimicked his actions sarcastically, punching him lightly in the arm.

Like every year, on the same spooky night, Ward, Rose and Wheezie were out on the main land, leaving the Cameron residence in the hands of Rafe and Sarah, and like every year, they threw a Halloween bash. It was a pogue tradition to crash the party since they weren’t invited, except this year, they were, for Sarah and John B. started dating.

This year, JJ dressed up as a boxer, John B. and Sarah as Bonnie and Clyde, Pope as Luke Skywalker and Kiara as a mermaid. JJ absolutely loved Halloween, and so did the rest of the pogues, they adored the feeling of equality, for everyone was dressed up, each individual hiding behind their own mask or face full of makeup, covering their true self. No judgment.

Most of the girls at the party were either dressed up as slutty cats, cops or witches, which was usually the type of prey JJ would go for, knowing they were east territory, however this time, a particularly mysterious girl caught his eye, one wearing a black widow costume, a red solo cup in her hand as she made conversation with Sarah and Kie.

John B. and Pope teased JJ the entire time about how he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, making his cheeks heat up until eventually he decided to approach her.

He thought about what he could say to her but nothing came to mind and he regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth.

“hey gorgeous, haven’t i seen you some place before?”

A pickup line. He mentally facepalmed himself.

She was a bit taken aback by his question, but recovered quickly answering “yes, that’s why i don’t go there anymore”. She then walked away, mumbling under her breath “typical fuck boy”.

JJ was confused to why she wasn’t interested, although he did realise he sounded quite stupid, he was yet to discover a girl who didn’t fall for his charms.

He walked up to her once more. “Let me start over, hi, I’m JJ”

“Good for you”

“Look, I’m sorry for that, okay? I promise I’m not like that”

“You’re lying” she said effortlessly seeing through his act.

“Are you sure this is just a costume or are you actually the black widow” he questioned pointing at her suit, for he was surprised, usually girls would follow him blindly, but not her. She giggled at his words but immediately averted her attention to anything other than him.

He begged her to give him another chance until she agreed.

They spent the majority of the night talking at the party and getting to know one another, although he was the one who did most of the talking, she mainly just listened.

He eventually suggested they leave, since the party was coming to an end but he didn’t want the night to as well, and neither did she.

An idea formed in her mind, “follow me” she said eagerly and he followed close behind as she led him up the stair case.

The music was muffled by the walls, fading more and more as they made their way up and farther away from the rest of the party.

They climbed out the window on the top floor, and laid on the roof beside one another as they gazed up at the stars, a comfortable silence washing over them.

They relished each other’s presence in that spooky night, as the wind howled through the trees, yellow leaves falling from them as a result of autumn breeze, making a crunchy sound when people stepped on them as they left the party.

The unearthly moon was full, reflecting in the eyes of the mysterious girl, her skin beaming in the moonlight and he was very much enjoying the view.

She looked back at him smiling then sat up, announcing she was leaving since it was getting late and her parents were probably worried.

“Good night JJ,” she smiled weakly “I like your name by the way” she added, a faint smile painting her lips.

“Thanks, got it for my birthday” he shot her a witty grin and her’s turned into a smirk. as he watched her attempt to get back inside, he remembered the burning question he forgot to ask.

She had one leg out the other side of the window when his voice chimed in her ears.

“Wait! I didn’t catch your name”

“That’s because I didn’t throw it” she retorted, leaving the rooftop and heading back inside.

He was mesmerised by her essence, there was something quiet magical about her.

He watched the front door carefully from the roof, yearning for her, to see her once more, even if it was just for a split second when she leaves the property.

He sat there patiently when five minutes turned to ten which turned to twenty quickly turning into an hour - at which point he was worried.

He went downstairs, seeing the other pogues all gathered by the kitchen counter, when he caught Kiara’s eye. “There you are JJ! We looked all over for you” She shouted, letting out a sigh of relief. “Yeah, I didn’t see you all night, where were you?” Pope asked.

JJ proudly wore a grin on his face, shooting them furrowed eyebrows as to why they were asking him such questions when they obviously knew the answer.

“Pope, do y’all have like short term memory or something? You guys know I was with that girl”

“What are you talking about? What girl?”

“You know what girl! The one you and John B. were teasing me about before, she was in a black widow costume,” he said as if it was obvious and they were just playing dumb.

They all gave each other worried looks with muddled expressions. “Come on you guys don’t remember?? Kie, Sarah, the two of you talked to her earlier”

“Is he imagining things now, or is it just the spooky spirit of Halloween taking over him?” Kie whispered to Sarah, loud enough for the rest to hear and they all cackled with laughter making JJ roll his eyes.

“Dude, I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about. The minute we got here you disappeared” John B. said putting a hand on his shoulder in a comforting manor.

“Well you couldn’t have missed her coming down the stairs, which brings me to why i’m here, did you guys see her leave?” He asked, desperate at this point for a positive answer.

“You were the only one up there JJ” Sarah gently said.

“Are you guys serious? Is this some kind of joke?”

“No, we seriously have no idea who you’re talking about” Sarah trailed off giving him a concerned look, then shrugged her shoulders “sorry...”

JJ got annoyed that instead of listening they just gave him the feeling like he’s gone insane, he didn’t imagine it, he couldn’t have, right?

He couldn’t stop thinking about the mysterious girl, how no one believed him, he looked for her everywhere, during each year after that, on Halloween, he went with the same boxer costume he wore the night he met her, in hopes she’d be where he goes and have no trouble recognising him.

He never saw her, until one night, he did.

On Halloween, five years after his encounter with her, JJ and the pogues went to a “haunted house”. John B. suggested they go to the old house on marly street, the abandoned one, he claimed it would be an adventure, especially on such a chilling evening.

A picture of her and her family members hung above the fire place in that dark house.

“oh my- HA! Guys come quick!” JJ squealed impatiently once he recognised her. The rest of the pogues all came running in his direction, afraid something bad might’ve happened.

“What is it JJ?” Sarah asked out of breath once she saw he was fine.

“Look, you guys! See?! I told you I didn’t imagine her!” He said enthusiastically pointing at her figure in the framed picture. “She’s real, I knew it! And you guys didn’t believe me!” Seeing the picture gave him a flicker of hope, he might get the chance to see her again.

“Now all I need to do is find her”

To Pope though, something still felt wrong, weird. He moved closer, observing the picture carefully from a better angle, when it hit him.

“Umm... JJ?”

“Huh?”

“I wouldn’t count on that...”

“And why is that Sooby-Doo?” he questioned sarcastically once he noticed Pope’s terrified expression, whose face went pale in fear as he spoke.

“Because that’s Y/N Y/L/N. She died in a fire in this house with her entire family. Exactly eight years before you supposedly met her, on Halloween.”

—

taglist:

@infinitelycharmed23 @queenofthepouges @bibliophilewednesday @bijleegiregi @princessnnylzays

feel free to add yourself to my taglist!

[fmdminhee]

task. #famedrstask1.

notes: word counts are included with each individual answer! completed for +5 tracker points.

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different? these can be as small as an opinion on a song they hadn’t released previously or as big as a major change in their background. word count: 261.

minhee’s childhood prior to becoming a trainee is pretty much the exact same as before the restructuring. dance prodigy says fuck u crazy dance mom, i’m not gonna be maddie ziegler, and ends up becoming an idol. she started training a year earlier than before though, so she had a slightly longer training process! i think the most obvious change to everyone else is her faceclaim, which is now lee hyeri. buuuut if you take a look at her pages or app or anything else, you’ll see that she’s now a main dancer, lead vocal & rapper, rather than being a main dancer, lead rapper & vocal! this was sort of a selfish change on my part, because i wanted to open her up to some opportunities for solo work that wouldn’t have suited her before because of her position, but that would’ve fitted more along the lines of what i initially imagined for her image than the options actually available to her. she’s also been a lot happier for a lot longer, because instead of debuting with a concept she hated, minhee got to debut in ... an age appropriate group! if you look here, you can see some examples of what i thought of when thinking of minhee’s ideal group and ... yeah, lily lines up with that pretty well. not perfectly, but pretty well. she’s still dealing with her issues surrounding her family, her sexuality and her fear of aging, but for the most part, minhee’s a lot more settled, or even satisfied, in terms of her career.

what does your muse think of their company and their group? word count: 255.

let’s start with lily, minhee’s beloved. she loves her members, she loves the overwhelming majority of their songs, and she’s proud as hell of the legacy they’ve built up for themselves so far. to be honest, sometimes she it just hits her that oh shit, she’s minnie from lily! and oh shit, they’re basically the biggest girl group ever. no one tell her that candy inherited nation’s girl group or that ultraviolet are taking over the world, let her be dumb. no, but genuinely, she can’t believe the scale of what they’ve achieved sometimes. she doesn’t totally feel like she deserves all the love she gets. then there’s the company behind it all; bc entertainment. she wonders all the time if her mother would’ve went along with everything if it was any other company that minhee came home with a callback from. probably not. for that alone, she’s thankful. she sort of dislikes being portrayed as perfect and untouchable -- more silly and down to earth than a lot of her peers under the company, but still. it’s just part and parcel of bc’s status. the reason it gets to her is that she’s very much not that perfect girl next door that the company wants her to be, and she puts a lot of pressure on herself to live up to it. as such, minhee probably doesn’t take advantage of all of the resources being under bc allows her access to as much as she should, choosing instead to just grin and bear it. 

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract? if they haven’t renewed, what are their current thoughts on the end of their eventual first contract? word count: 260.

minhee is on her second contract. she renewed with bc in 2019 for a further seven years, which doesn’t feel like that long of a time. seven years seemed like a liftetime when she signed her debut contract in 2012, but it went by pretty fast for her. finding out what the rest of her members were doing was the most important thing for minhee when choosing whether or not to renew. with lily’s status in the industry, the money she made over the previous years, and the wealth belonging to her family, she felt confident that she’d be okay no matter what happened. a safety net. but her preference was always going to be to continue with the rest of lily if possible. she wouldn’t have forced the issue if the others didn’t want to though ... at least not on purpose. knowing minhee, she probably would’ve been crying all over the place and ended up messing with everyone’s plans like that. maybe she would’ve put out an ad like, “nation’s girl group in search of new agency. must be willing to take in four fully grown women and meet all of their demands.” as for the terms in her second contract, minhee was looking for some more royalties and some reassurance that lily would continue to receive the levels of resources and investment that they were already receiving from the company, as well as more opportunities for her to grow as a soloist. she didn’t want them falling by the wayside. she’s too young to be washed up! 

what are your muse’s goals and motivations? word count: 259.

in terms of her career, minhee actually has some pretty lofty ambitions. her top two focuses are solo music and modeling, and they’re basically split an even 50/50. she wants to continue releasing upbeat solo songs, but as for the music itself, aside from some dabbling in lyrics, she’s happy to leave it to the professionals. her primary interest, aside from the obvious performance and promotion aspects, lies in developing her own choreography. for her own songs firstly, but also for lily’s songs, and maybe even others within the company. outside of bc remains to be seen. she’s been really inspired over the years by a lot of the dancers and choreographers that she’s worked with, even from before entering bc, and she’d like to inspire someone else some day too! and modeling ... i can’t lie, minhee just likes looking pretty and getting free stuff, so she’d like to do some more of that. 

as for her personal life ... messy as hell! she still really wants to find love but still only goes looking for it with fuckboys. she wants to get closer with her dad and her extended family, but is finding it difficult to pull off while also keeping her mother at arm’s length. she also can’t help antagonising her mother because she’s a dumb brat. i don’t think minhee realises it yet, but she’s slowly coming to a place of self acceptance too. when she does realise it, i think that’s something that will really motivate her to be the best she can be.

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future? word count: 262.

i’ve talked in depth about minhee’s conflict over her sexuality here, which all still holds true, but i want to take this opportunity to talk about something else very close to my heart concerning minhee that i’ve mentioned once or twice in passing but never explicitly. minhee is autistic. she just doesn’t know it yet. some fun mun trivia is that i’m autistic! but, as is typical for a lot of afab people, i was basically an adult by the time it was diagnosed. you might say, hey sucy, stop projecting on your muses, but i say no! write what you know and all that. it’s kind of ironic though, because not even i realised minhee could very well be autistic until i’d written her for two years, and deciding took me another. and now she has to go through the diagnostic process again in character, smh me. anyways, yeah, minhee is probably going to have it suggested to her pretty soon while seeking some help for her anxiety about aging, and after that she’s gonna have to recontextualise her whole life because it’s truly like a lightbulb moment for a lot of people, myself included. suddenly everything that was weird to you growing up makes sense. it’s kind of a lot to wrap your head around, and would be for anyone, so writing about that for minhee is going to be interesting. i mentioned above that she’s been kind of moving towards self acceptance anyways, and i think this will be a very big turning point for her on that journey.

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why. word count: 277.

she does! her individual activities consist of modeling jobs and a couple of variety show cast positions, because i felt that these were the avenues she would’ve been pushed down up until more recently in her career, when her interest in choreographing for herself would’ve really taken off. minhee has really enjoyed her career so far. she feels settled within the entertainment industry, and that type of security is so sexy to her. the less chance that her mother can say i told you so the better.it’s kind of a big difference for her in terms of character actually, but this incarnation of minhee likes being on variety shows! she’s actually confident appearing on them! this is because of the difference in concept between lily and lipstick. lipstick’s minnie’s confidence took a long time to build up. lily’s minnie’s didn’t. she’d like to be on more variety shows in the future, especially something competition based, like dancing with the stars ... or masterchef, for a laugh, because she’d be the first person eliminated. and then, there’s the modeling. as mentioned a couple of questions ago, it’s something she wants to focus pretty tightly on going forward. her favourite brand that she’s been the ambassador for so far is crocs. she loves her crocs. she has, like, five different colours. crocs, please sign minhee again. working with etude house and kloud was pretty cool too though. sometimes she’s still able to swing free beers when she goes out. so, going forward, she wants to continue with those types of gigs, as well as pursuing more solo music and developing her skills as a choreographer, like i mentioned earlier!

[justkeeptrekkin]

OCD! What the fuck is it? WELL-

Recently, I started to find out more about OCD and what it means. It was with research that I realised that I fit into the criteria- I’m now talking to my therapist about how to work on my more distressing obsessions and compulsions. 

There’s still a very strong voice in my head that i’m making this up, that i’m being a self-diagnosing idiot (that’s anxiety for you!), even though I have my therapist’s support. But the truth is: the reason I feel that way is because I spent so long misunderstanding OCD, that it seems impossible that I could have it. There is almost no real awareness of what OCD means. 

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Obsessions and compulsions can be many, many different things. 

Obsessions= the thoughts 

Compulsions= the subsequent behaviours 

Compulsions 

Let’s start with compulsions, since these are the things that people notice first about an OCD sufferer.

1. Common Compulsions/Behaviours

The most well-known compulsions that you might come across:

Checking

Tidying and cleaning

Rearranging objects

Washing/grooming yourself 

These are the compulsions that you’ll SEE. You see them on telly. You’d expect to see these in someone with OCD. Everyone does some of these things to some extent- which is how you get people being like

“OMG I’M sooooooo ocd ahahaha”

Not only does that trivialise the intense anxiety and suffering that people with OCD go through, it’s also just like. Wrong. 

2. The Undiscussed Compulsions

It’s the huge lack of awareness and misunderstanding of how OCD works that means that it wasn’t until a few months ago that I found out that these are also examples of compulsions:

Over-apologising

Constantly seeking reassurance

Mental compulsions/punishments

guilt-tripping yourself

special words repeated

special prayers repeated in a particular way

going over past events over and over (perhaps trying to convince yourself that you’ve done something terrible)

Avoiding places or situations

Collecting/hoarding

Counting

Bodily habits such as rubbing skin, or dermatillomania (which is when you obsessively pick at your skin)

Being overly-superstitious (eg. if I don’t salute that single magpie, I’ll get in a car accident)

Compulsions can be covert. That means, they can be mental- like praying to yourself obsessively in your head- so no one else witnesses them. An example of overt compulsions, that is a habit that is physical/seen, is tidying. 

“Typically, the individual experiences a sense of resistance to the act but this is overridden by the strong, subjective drive to perform the action. Most often the principal aim behind the compulsive behaviour is to generate relief (usually only temporary) from the anxiety elicited by the preceding obsession.”

Obsessions

Now that we’ve talked about the compulsions, the things that people might see in their OCD suffering friends and family: all these behaviours/compulsions are all caused by obsessions. 

1. Common Obsessions

Sometimes, an obsession is seeing something and your monkey brain saying THAT DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT. IT’S WRONG. VERY WRONG. so you get a huge bout of anxiety and uneasiness- maybe feelings that something will go wrong if you don’t fix it immediately. So then you have to fix it somehow- maybe tidying or rearranging or cleaning. (These are the compulsions.)

This is probably the most well known obsession associated with OCD. I get this a little bit, but not a lot, which is why I didn’t realised I had OCD till like, last week.

There are so many ways that OCD manifests. They are very often to do with an anxiety, or fear about:

Contamination

harm/being unsafe

body/physical symptoms

symmetry and ‘perfection’

Feeling that you have done, or will do something bad (for example that you’re going to cause an accident whilst driving, or that the thing you did three years ago will get you arrested)

These all can overlap with each other. A fear of being unsafe is linked to a fear that something bad will happen, for example.

2. Intrusive Thoughts As Obsessions

BUT HERE’S THE BIGGEST MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT OCD: WE ALSO GET INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, AND OBSESS OVER THEM. 

Intrusive thoughts are weird, random, sometimes violent thoughts that just pop into your head seemingly out of nowhere. For example: “Hey, how about we just like drop kick that toddler lol” or “how about we stand up in the middle of this silent meeting and shout BOLLLOOOOCCCCKKKKS”

Now, everyone gets intrusive thoughts, to some extent. We tend to look at that thought and go

- and then move on. 

So like, people with OCD can’t just move on. We obsess over the thought. We wonder why we got the thought; we punish ourselves for the thought; we avoid particular situations for fear that we’re going to act out the thought; we give the thought weight. We develop compulsions to negate the thought. 

Examples that cause OCD sufferers intense distress and recur, are thoughts of the following nature:

Violence (towards yourself or others)

Sexual

of being a pedophile

of assaulting someone

of cheating

of incest

of being homosexual/straight when you aren’t

Suicidal thoughts (this is not the same as planning suicide. If you are planning your suicide in detail rather than suddenly experiencing a distressing thought about it, then you should call Samaritans xxxx)

That you’re about to hurt someone (such as accidentally poisoning someone)

The way that these intrusive thoughts work tends to be self-sabotaging. It’s your mind��s way of identifying what you care about most, and trying to ruin it for you. For example, a mother might have the sudden, unwanted thought of throwing their baby out of a window. Or, a parent/guardian/teacher might have the intrusive thought that they could be a pedophile.  There could be many reasons why your mind does this, and the triggers are personal. Each OCD person should discuss these thoughts with their counsellor or therapist to find out what the route of this thinking is. 

3. Do I Have OCD? Does My Friend/Family Member Have OCD?

The main thing to remember for anyone out there who suffers intrusive thoughts is: these thoughts don’t mean that you are what they say you are. It’s kind of the opposite. Because if they disgust you and cause you so much distress, it means that you are desperately, urgently NOT that thing. Intrusive thoughts telling you that you want to sleep with a family member, for example, doesn’t mean that you actually want to. Your OCD brain has identified something/someone you care about, and is trying to ruin it for you. 

“To sufferers and non-sufferers alike, the thoughts and fears related to OCD can often seem profoundly shocking. It must be stressed, however, that they are just thoughts, and they are not voluntarily produced. Neither are they fantasies or impulses which will be acted upon.”

About me:  Obsessions: I have every single one of those intrusive thoughts, a lot. I get them when I’m particularly stressed; I get them when I’m in a really good place, and my mind is trying to ‘save myself’ from failure/rejection by ruining it. I also get the feeling of intense dread that I’ve done something wrong: even though I can’t think of a single reason why I would. I obsess over flu/cold symptoms, thinking I have meningitis. I obsess over my spending. I obsess over not being comfortable in bed, specifically my duvet (it’s not in the right place, it’s not symmetrical, the duvet isn’t in the corners properly....) I obsess over the presence of a person next to me in a bed; regardless of who it is, it gives me intense anxiety if I’m sharing a bed. Honestly- not many people have witnessed my physical/tidying obsessions because they’re all routed in sleeping habits and beds.  My compulsions range from over-apologising, seeking reassurance, dermatillomania, over-counting my finances and spending, guilt-tripping myself, praying in A Particular Way Or Satan Will Find Me, repeating mantras, going over past events at every angle until I want to cry because I’ve made myself feel so guilty about something that wasn’t actually my fault. And messing with my bed until it looks like I’m lying under a perfectly straight, unwrinkled sheet of paper. And also kicking people out of my bed, or sleeping on the floor to avoid sharing. 

If you think you display some of the above in this post, you may or may not have OCD! Either way, you are not alone.

If you know someone who displays some of the above, listen to them. Try not to judge them. Try not to give them reassurance that their intrusive thoughts will never come to fruition: as odd as that sounds, that tends to fan the flame of the compulsions, rather than help. 

Go forward and be free. Lots of love. x <3

[morrigansmuses]

3 Golden Rules.

On Ethical disappointments. 

I was raised to be tolerant. To consider the views and opinions of others, to keep and open mind. I was a social outsider (homeschooled due to racism in the local school.) I vowed I wouldn’t ever exclude people for being different to me or having different values. I was desperate to make and keep friends. More than anything.

I was 15 in the late 1990s. Lonely as hell. I decided that I would befriend absolutely anyone who would have me. Essentially anyone who wouldn’t beat me up on sight for being foreign.

I decided that I had 3 and only 3 dealbreakers in terms of friendship.

RULE 1. They couldn’t be cruel to animals.

RULE 2. They coudn’t sexually abuse children.

RULE 3 They couldn’t be a card carrying Nazi.

If anyone in my life did any of those things I couldn’t associate with them anymore. But barring that I would try to accept them as individuals. 

Thats a pretty low bar right? I mean how could anyone fail to meet those insanely low standards?

See back then I didn’t know that shades of grey existed. I knew in theory that we were all imperfect beings, but I didn’t know what that meant yet in reality.

So I began to make friends. With normal kids. Actually probably nicer than average kids because they were sweet and sensitive enough to accept me for who I was when no one else would.

So the first hurdle I came across was that some of these people I was friends with enjoyed hunting. They would say for meat. I get that. Better than factory farming right? less cruel, less wasteful.

“You shouldn’t eat meat unless you’re willing to kill it yourself” They’d say virtuously.  

But then I saw them in action. Delighting in the act of killing in a way that I knew wasn’t healthy. Laughing at the kid goat’s head bursting in a shower of gore or the way an animal screamed upon being shot. Killing more than they needed… That’s an impulse I don’t believe humans should engender in themselves.

But it was for food. Right? So I overlooked it and silenced the voice in my heart.

One day my best friend shot a stray cat with his bb gun just for the laugh. It didn’t kill the cat or anything but the animal yelped and ran away. I was so upset and shocked that I burst into tears and it all came pouring out. Was he training himself to become a sociopath? I asked him.

He apologised. He never did anything like it again. He was very kind to animals, especially cats, ever since and doesn’t hunt them anymore for any reason.

I forgave.

That’s the first time I remember compromising a core value. It was like a tooth being pulled from my 15 year old head. 

I don’t regret it.

We’re still best friends. 

The second hurdle that started to crack my young heart was the undeniable fact that in the early 2000s almost every guy I knew in his early 20s had a girlfriend between that ages of 12 and 15. NEVER OLDER. I can’t stress this enough. They would vomit in disgust at the thought of a crone of 18 or 19. They were also VERY vocal about their desire and right to have sex with children after a few drinks. By the time I was 20 I knew I had aged out of the 20s dating pool. I wasn’t attracted to older men. 

No matter. I’m asexual and prefer platonic relationships anyway.

To this day I’ve never had a romantic relationship with a man. Because once I realised that Rule 2 wasn’t one any of them could keep, the trust was broken.

It wasn’t only men either. My closest girlfriend was a 26 year old substitute teacher who fucked one of her 15 year old students on a drunk night out once…

So they both had fun and boys that age are up for anything right? I mean. He probably still boasts about it today…

Right?

Plus… She was all I had. Like the only one I had at the time. I was so scared of losing her.

I turned a blind eye and ear. I tolerated. I didn’t have to approve of their teenage girlfriends did I? After all there were so many of them that if I cut them out of my life I’d have no friends ever again. Because the whole of society looked like them…

Thats the truth.

People in my extended family have dated 17 or 18 year old girls and encouraged them to drop out of school to have their children. People I love have done that.

I once knew a handsome, intelligent and charming man. He was dating a family member for a few months. He often defended the right of adult men to date teens. “Girls mature more quickly than boys.” He’d argue. Everyone would agree. After all hadn’t my great grandmother been 12 years old when she met my great grandfather and married him on her 16th birthday (with parental permission)? He was in his 20s. Just a boy himself surely? “We all know what children boys in their 20s are right?” Said my Mother… Whom I love very much.

Excuses were made.

Years later I discovered the the handsome, intelligent and charming man had been raping a 6 year old the entire time we’d known him. He is still wanted by the police today.

My father tells that when he was a boy of 18 back in the 70s he had kicked an older German man, a respected family friend, out of his car because the man had asked him to pull over, he had something important to tell him. When he did so, the man said that the Holocaust was a myth. An exaggeration, a Zionist hoax.

My Father was dating my mother at the time. She’s Jewish. So is his uncle, a Holocaust survivor.

He yelled at the man not to talk shit and made him walk home.

I am not my father.

The first time a Holocaust denier (a respected local businessman) voiced their opinion to me I froze. Then laughed. Surely he must be kidding... I argued briefly before realising that he’d made up his mind.

My well meaning people said I’d made a mistake. It was my job, they said, to change his mind. To educate him. Otherwise how would he learn?

I didn’t speak to him again but I still nod at him in the street because he employs a few of my friends and I wouldn’t want to make things awkward for them.

And also I don’t want him to yell at me. 

I have worked with Holocaust survivors and have survivors in my immediate family and I still nod in the street at a Holocaust Denier because we are raised to be polite aren’t we? Let’s not make a scene. 

We’re mature adults.

Aren’t we?

People are starting to turn weirder than they used to be. Politically.

My Leftist friends are in a secret facebook group... Strenuously defending China’s Uyghur genocide because Communism can do no wrong… And at the same time saying all the Israelis need to be killed for what they’ve done to the Palestinians. One suggests a biological weapon tailored to Jews.

My Centrist friends are suggesting we “Hang up democracy for a while” in order to combat global warming and welcome a global police state and stop “kicking off” about our rights all the time. “Maybe we need a jackboot up the arse” one of them says.

And the ones that aren’t on the Left?

My facebook feed these days is getting awfully full of Rothschild memes.

“We own every bank in the world and funded both sides of every war since Waterloo.” They say, next to a grinning caricature of Jacob de Rothschild. Reminiscent of a Nazi cartoon of a “Rat Jew.”

Even a hedge fund billionaire prick doesn’t deserve that, does he?

I don’t comment. What’s the point? They’ve watched all the youtube and don’t read history books on principal.

My Brother is getting into Qanon. So is my Sister in Law.

She follows the medical teachings of a man who thinks the Jews invented Chemotherapy to kill the Germans after the war. Apparently he is becoming more and more popular.

Eccentrics.

Thats all.

I’m half Jewish. Like My Brother.

One of the Survivors I know said that 3 weeks after the Nazi propaganda came into the school he attended, he was in Bergen Belsen and half his family was dead.

His neighbour was jealous because his father had 2 more cows than he did.

I hear Marine Le Pen is neck and neck with Macron to win France.

A good friend of mine said it's because by 2030 Muslims will outnumber white people in Europe. He won’t read the articles I send him. But he sure sends me a lot of YouTubes.

I ignore them because I don’t want to hate him. Maybe he ignores my articles for the same reason.

Hey 15 year old me…. You, skinny thing with the ethics, the braces and black eyeliner…

Those compromises I made were made out of love... And also fear. 

Please stop looking at me like that little girl.

“It’s true” writes my friend. They’re trying to breed us out. It’s all an elite Zionist plot.”

I close Whatsapp.

Here I go again I guess…

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Wallice has shared her subversive new single 'Hey Michael'. 'Hey Michael' amplifies her blood-thirsty nature, a revenge anthem that finds Wallice turning into a worse villain than her erstwhile love interest. A song about toxic tendencies and how they manifest in our lives, 'Hey Michael' twists and turns around American Psycho imagery. Wallice labels "a revenge anthem for anyone who has encountered a gaslighting, manipulative person. It’s what I wish I would have said to all the ‘Michael’s’ I have met in my life. It can be substituted by many names, we all know or have met a ‘Michael’ though. Somehow the world revolves around them and they just can’t catch a break, because they never do anything wrong and it’s usually your fault. You should have listened to your gut instinct and swiped left on this Michael. This isn’t a man-hating song, it’s just something many people can relate to. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to admit just how bad a friend, date, or romantic partner was and a lot of the time, I would just smile and laugh off stupid remarks but when I think back, I wish I had told them off. But at the same time, my persona in the song is not the best person either. I literally say: I think I want to start a fight, which one is your girlfriend? The whole song is funny because I am so focused on how shitty Michael is that I don’t even think about how shitty I might be as well." Directed by Phil Stillwell, the video takes place at a house party, with Wallice interacting with various 'Michaels' before her behaviour spirals into something much, much worse. [via Clash]

In the same vein as Massive Attack’s suburban groove and social commentary in the mid 90’s, KITA have captured the rhythm and heartbeat of suburban Pōneke; a city abuzz with a vibrant music and dramatic performance scene in their brand new track and official video, ‘Private Lives’. Weaving together elements of vintage rock, pop and soul, and warm hints of synth, KITA have created a skin-prickling piece of magic with ‘Private Lives’, a deeply beautiful track penned in 2020’s lockdown, that delves into the unknown of what happens when the blinds are shut – the parts of life that are unseen by others. "Standing from my kitchen window during lockdown in Aotearoa, sinister thoughts entered my mind about what could be happening behind closed doors for people”, says front-woman Nikita 雅涵 Tu- Bryant. The video tells the story of a father and daughter’s relationship amongst snapshots of everyday life and its monotonous anonymity, while things aren’t always what they appear on the surface. Late at night the father can finally reveal his true self, adorning makeup and sequins, only to be spied by his daughter. The two then share a special moment of dressing up and dancing together, a true celebration of individuality, self-love and the beauty of self-expression.

'Just Chemistry' is the third single from Dance Lessons, a London-based, female-fronted and produced trio, creating what they define as Serrated Pop. 'Just Chemistry' is a delicate hymn to the unspoken. Dance Lessons return with their signature sound – minimal production, sleek vocals and intricate arrangements. Ann says: “'Just Chemistry' is about the over-complication of our relationships. It’s about the things that are left unsaid in-between the awkward text messages and conversations, and how the absence of knowing can be misinterpreted as doubt. Last year was a difficult one. For a long time, I felt at the mercy of my emotions. I doubted where things were going. I lived in the future and found it hard to commit to the present. But these moments of not knowing can be equally thrilling and beautiful. And that’s what the song is about: finding beauty in the unspoken. In most cases, it’s chemistry that makes us fall in love. Things end, all is temporary. Let’s not go to war with one another over it.” Nat says on the video: “A friend told us about this weird and wonderful house in North London that feels a little like stepping into an acid trip. We obviously wanted to check it out. It’s completely surreal, all over the place (in a great way) and generally eclectic, which felt inherently us. We instantly wanted to do something there and asked the owner for permission to shoot a music video. We filmed during lockdown and were let loose embracing all the oddness of it. Ann also designed and created the outfit she wears in the video, something she does with most of her wardrobe. It was shot, directed and edited by our hugely talented friends Ben Hanson and Simon Frost from Borderland Studios.”

Returning with her first offering of the year, North London’s rising star Laurel Smith is ready to reveal her anticipated new single, ‘Out the Cage’ accompanied by an action packed and thrilling cinematic style music video directed by Jeremie Brivet and Jai Garcha. Sticking to her winning recipe of moody, dark, electro-pop production paired with effortlessly edgy tales of narrative lyricism, ‘Out the Cage’ is the next huge single from the young, innovative artist that is sure to follow the same trajectory of success as its predecessor, ‘Game Over’ released late last year. A songwriter and recording artist, Laurel Smith has been writing songs since the age of sixteen. With each single she’s released, Laurel has continued to adapt her sound and aesthetic, consistently honing her craft and evolving her brand. She has carefully carved out her place in an ever crowded industry and proceeds to turn heads at every corner. “‘Out The Cage’ is a song about breaking out from your constraints, both physical and mental. Although it can be interpreted in any way, when I wrote it I created a story around a bored housewife, falling out of love with her husband, she fantasises about tying him up and leaving him to be a badass assassin in a video game type world, roaming the city at night and living a life of unpredictability and excitement”.

Hailing from the Philippines, singer-songwriter Laica is coming off a breakout 2020. Now the 21-year-old is gearing up for the release of her debut album I’m so fine at being lonely. The first single off the project, 'love u lately' is here, accompanied by a music video directed by Cooper Leith. 'Love u lately' is a relatable and infectious track. The song revolves around dating, understanding mixed signals, and the confusion that surrounds that world. Lyrically, Laica walks us through her experiences here, voicing her thoughts and frustrations about someone who she just can't seem to read right. Production-wise, the track is carried by a pulsing synth and a groovy bass. Together, the track feels upbeat. The vibe created by the production stands in contrast with the more emotional lyrics, making the track complex and interesting. The music video takes the concept of 'love u lately' to the extreme, in a fun and playful way. Laica is seen capturing her dream boy and attempting to use witchcraft to finally win him over. The video has a very DIY feel, which could serve to add to the reliability of the track. It’s a great extension of the track and taps into everyone’s most fantasy-driven realities. [via Earmilk]

At first, Emily C Browning wasn't sure what to think. Spurned, rejected, and cast aside, she was angry, furious, and - at times - utterly bereft. Usually she'd utilise songwriting as a vessel for her emotions, but when she was so conflicted, and feeling so negative, that it just didn't enter her mind. The Christchurch, New Zealand artist needed to take a step back, and when she located some perspective, she was ready to act. New single 'I Wasn't Into You Anyway' is a soaring slice of revenge, one that finds Emily C Browning taking full control of her music. Her first solo production credit, its reminiscent of those surging, empowering Maggie Rogers bops, while also containing similar DNA to Sharon Van Etten's work. Lyrically, it's absolutely her own creation, with Emily leaning on those often-hidden feelings. She comments... "Everyday for a month I wrote in my journal: I want to write a song about feeling rejected. But I couldn’t figure out how to keep it light and funny, it can be quite a painful topic and I didn’t want to sound too heavy. But I kept working on it everyday and came up with this song. I then spent another month recording it, trying to capture a sound that stayed upbeat and playful. I put so much time and energy into the song that I ended up completely forgetting about the person who rejected me in the first place (honest, I swear)." [via Clash]

Alt-pop force Holly Humberstone returns with new single 'Haunted House'. The songwriter's potent debut EP Falling Asleep At The Wheel was a sensation, racking up more than 100 million global streams. A bona fide phenomenon, Holly returns with a single that displays a more nuanced, reflective side to her work. 'Haunted House' digs into childhood, and looks at the way memory can frame the way we construct our identities. She comments: "I wrote this song about the old and characterful house I grew up in. The house is such a huge part of who I am and our family. With my sisters and I moving out and living separate lives, coming home feels very comforting and one of the only things keeping us all connected." Playing with concrete imagery and no small degree of invention, 'Haunted House' connects art to life in an enchanting fashion. She adds: "The house is almost falling down around us now though, and we’ve realised that pretty soon we’ll be forced to leave. There’s a cellar full of meat hooks and a climate so damp mushrooms grow out of the walls. Loads of people have probably died here in the past but I’ve always felt really safe. It’s like a seventh family member. It’s part of me." [via Clash]

In 2019, the Boston-born and Brooklyn-based indie rock album Crumb released their debut album Jinx. Crumb haven’t yet announced plans to follow that album up, but they’re definitely working towards something. Last month, the band came out with a one-off single called 'Trophy.' Now, they’ve followed that one with two new tracks, and they’re both winners. The new songs 'BNR' and 'Balloon' both fit nicely into Crumb’s comfort zone. The band’s sound is a rich, sophisticated take on psychedelia, with blissed-out lead vocals from Lila Ramani and with some great funky drum action. The band co-produced both songs with Foxygen’s Jonathan Rado, who’s done great recent work with people like Father John Misty and Weyes Blood and the Killers and who knows how to make oblique ’70s-style pop sound good. But Crumb themselves deserve a ton of credit for coming up with a sound this layered and weird. They’re the rare circa-2021 band who might remind you of Broadcast. In a press release, Ramani says, “‘BNR’ is an ode to my favorite colors. I had a weird obsession with those colors in winter 2018-2019 and felt like they would follow me around everywhere I went." 'BNR' also has a cool music video. Director Joe Mischo starts the clip off as a hallucinatory reverie, but he turns it sharply towards horror at the end. [via Stereogum]

Last year, Limerick poet/musician Sinead O’Brien released her debut EP, Drowning In Blessings. It was a unique work, a handful of songs featuring O’Brien’s sing-speak over spindly, post-punk guitars. It garnered O’Brien a bit of buzz overseas, and it left you wondering where she might take her music from there. Now, O’Brien’s back with a new song called 'Kid Stuff.' “‘Kid Stuff’ shows up all different tones on different days,” O’Brien said in a statement. “There’s something alive in it which cannot be caught or told. It is direct but complex; it contains chapters. This feels like our purest and most succinct expression yet.” Like Drowning In Blessings, 'Kid Stuff' found O’Brien working with Speedy Wunderground mastermind Dan Carey. Musically, it hints at a level up moment for O’Brien. There was something alluring and jagged about Drowning In Blessings, but 'Kid Stuff' places her usual approach over a song that is surprisingly groovy — maybe even a little danceable. It comes with a video directed by Saskia Dixie. [via Stereogum]

Das Beat are made up of German actress and vocalist Eddie Rabenberger and Agor of Blue Hawaii. The pair have just shared their first single 'Bubble' online now and are set to release their debut EP Identität on June 4 via Arbutus Records. Born in Berlin during 2020’s legendary lockdown, Das Beat seeks to blast both boredom and boundary. Dabbling in German New Wave, Italo Disco, Indie & Dance, their sound is unified by vocals from Eddie Rabenberger, sung in German and English. Amidst playful lyrics one finds a strong underlying pulse (das “beat”), pinning down the duo’s meandering atmospherics, dreamy synths, guitars and percussion. The duo is half-Canadian and half-German. Agor (of Blue Hawaii), moved to Berlin from Montreal in 2018. Eddie is a theatre actress originally hailing from a small town in Bavaria. Together they find a strange but alluring symbiosis - like Giorgio Moroder meets Nico, or Gina X Performance meets The Prodigy.

St. Vincent has fully embraced the ’70s aesthetic for her retro-sounding new record, Daddy’s Home. Now, she’s diving headlong into the animation styles of the era with the video for 'The Melting of the Sun'. Presented as a “betamax deluxe release” rip from “Candy’s Music Video Archives,” the clip blends live action shots of St. Vincent herself with the wavy, intermittent animation frames any Schoolhouse Rock student is familiar with. The psychedelic lines fit a song called 'The Melting of the Sun' perfectly, as do the drawings of the legends mentioned in the song’s lyrics like Nina Simone, Joni Mitchell, and Tori Amos. St. Vincent co-directed the clip with Bill Benz, while Chris McD provided the animation. [via Consequence]

Bay Area slowcore trio Sour Widows have released a new single, 'Bathroom Stall,' from their forthcoming EP Crossing Over, which they announced last month with its title track. The song’s build-up is subtle and poignant like Sufjan Stevens, but Maia Sinaiko’s evocative, sweeping vocals are one-of-a-kind, and the lyrics are graphic and tragic: “Do you remember it like I do?/ Your lips turned blue I had my fingers in your mouth/ And I couldn’t get them out.” Sinaiko said of the song: "This song is about a relationship I had with someone who struggled with addiction, who very tragically passed away three years ago while we were together. It’s about some moments we shared, and how it feels to walk around carrying that person and those experiences with me while the world stays normal. I wrote the song because I wanted to preserve and document what happened to me. to write out the scary stuff and just let it sit there forever. I think its funny that its called 'Bathroom Stall' and that it has that image in it: the song goes from heavy and dark to ordinary and totally pedestrian in a sentence, which feels absurd. And that’s kind of what it’s like to grieve. That’s kind of what’s hard to explain about grief, how absurd it is. Part of you goes to a different planet and part of you stays walking around like an alien on Earth, going to the bathroom and looking at the moon and shit." [via Stereogum]

As JUNO-nominated singer Kandle Osborne prepares to launch her new project, Set The Fire this spring, she shares the album’s third single, 'Misty Morning.' From being penned on a napkin while abroad to a Vancouver studio, 'Misty Morning' is a sonic journey that echoes soulful vulnerability and an honest reflection of realizing true love. For the video, Kandle reconnects with 'Honey Trap' director, Brandon William Fletcher, to create classic 40s noir-inspired cine-magic, filmed along the Vancouver coastline and within the lush landscape of Stanley Park. Kandle says: “‘Misty Morning’ is my first real love song, captured on a napkin while in Ischia, Italy when I was truly happy. My songwriting usually comes from a place of turmoil and catharsis, but this was simply a snapshot of a perfect, vulnerable moment. In recording it, I wanted to hide behind lush orchestration, but my producer/ best friend Michael Rendall had other ideas. He wanted to strip it down to just piano & a single vocal to take me out of my comfort zone and re-capture the open-hearted feelings I had while writing it. The song and the recording both hold for me a time when I dropped my guard for pure authentic love in spite of all my flaws and failures. In that moment, I felt my true value as a whole person for the first time.”

On 'Vertigo,' Alice Merton’s first single of 2021, the 27-year-old describes the long road from uncertainty back to self-confidence. It emphasizes the unrest that seizes her again and again, the thought: “Why can’t I just let it go?” These contradicting thoughts and emotions that are so familiar to all of us sum up to an overwhelmingly positive effect - 'Vertigo' leaves you empowered rather than anxious: A powerful indie pop arrangement with distorted guitars, plus Alice Merton’s crystal-clear voice. The result is reminiscent of the British Invasion, with no air of self-doubt. With its energetic live qualities, 'Vertigo' feeds an appetite for summer festivals and concerts that will definitely return at some point. Largely responsible for this is the Canadian producer Koz, a multiple Grammy nominee, who has worked with Dua Lipa ('Physical') among others. Here, too, he adds on to what has already made Alice Merton stand out from the crowd in the past - her classic pop appeal - with an uncompromising and indie attitude. This enables Alice to take another big step: She equally encourages a shaken generation and herself that there will be easy summers again. That you can dance again and lie in each other's arms. That it is absolutely fine to have many facets, to not always be clear, and that strength and weakness are not mutually exclusive.

Canadian artist Olivia Lunny's new release 'Sad To See You Happy' is a shamelessly poppy track centering an acutely relatable break-up narrative. The Canadian artist follows up her breakthrough success with a bouncy cut to soundtrack 2021’s long-awaited spring. There's a relatable tale of break-up at the heart of the gloriously poppy new single, belied by percussive instrumentation that creates a warm, nostalgic feel. [via Line Of Best Fit]

After sharing the single last month, Charlotte Adigéry is now revealing the brand new video for ‘Bear With Me (and I’ll stand bare before you)’. The first new music since her 2019 debut EP Zandoli, Charlotte says of the video, “The video is about being confined thus confronted to the way we live. The cruel irony of having the privilege of standing still, questioning and observing my life in all safety while others are fighting for theirs. On the other hand, the video is about trying to stay sane while feeling that the walls are closing in on you. Embracing boredom and finding joy in the little things in life.” Director Alice Kunisue adds, “When I listened to Charlotte’s song and what it meant for her and Bolis, I wanted the video to visually encapsulate that feeling of being stuck inside and confronted to our deeper selves while paradoxically sensing the chaos going on in the outside world without being able to do anything about it. Choosing to film an apartment room from one single angle was a way to reflect that narrowness of thought that we all experienced, but also a constraint that allowed us to explore and develop visual ideas within a narrow system, in a way having to think only inside the box, which artistically was a fun challenge.” [via DIY]

Millie Turner has shared a video for ‘Concrete Tragedy’. It’s a cut from her upcoming mini-album Eye Of The Storm, set for release on May 16, which also features a rework of breakout song ‘(Breathe) Underwater’. “This video is a visual representation of dancing on your own,” she says of the clip. “Combining the many parts of who we are when we’re by ourselves, I wanted it to feel like you’re entering a world of imagination that comes alive when we express ourselves.” [via Dork]

Doja Cat and SZA have come together for a new single called 'Kiss Me More.' When the song was announced Wednesday night, the internet flipped out, which is to be expected with these two — especially Doja Cat, who is regularly going viral these days for all kinds of reasons. When it comes to collaborations, she always finds the best people. That includes Saweetie, who appeared on Doja’s recent 'Best Friend' but then claimed that it was released against her wishes. Given SZA’s long history of public frustration over TDE Records holding back her new album, she is probably happy to have any new music out. Despite recent single 'Good Days' hitting the top 10, her restless fanbase is still awaiting a follow-up to 2017’s iconic Ctrl. 'Kiss Me More' is the first single from Doja’s new album Planet Her, scheduled for release this summer. It returns to the disco vibes of Doja’s #1 hit 'Say So,' this time with no apparent resemblance to any Skylar Spence song. [via Stereogum]

[moonchildsaurora]

The Hercules of a Weapons Master/Mechanic

»»—— Crew Member #8 of Space Pirates ATEEZ ——««

all aboard The Perihelion, welcome to the co-pilot’s log system! here you’ll be able to access the crew’s profiles should you wish to read about their journeys: (no nsfw content)

[CAPTAIN] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]

“so you want me…to break them? As in literally or figuratively?”  

is the baby of the crew but actually the eldest in his own family

epitome of ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’. With a well-grounded and balanced mindset along with a great sense of independence and self-discipline

is a native Draerair born and raised on Corebos, a relatively peaceful planet where several clans co-exist across the different regions specialising in agricultural and metal work

[database file: Draerairs are shape-shifters by ancestral blood, however not every individual are born with the ability to shift into their bestial forms (though they retain some of their inhumane strength and traits). Each clan’s lineage has a specific beast they’re associated with. Individuals with the ability to shift can do so at will, be it partially or fully]

Jongho and his family are descendants of the Silverclaw clan, their associated beast is that of a bear. He’s the only one currently in his family that was born with the shifters ability, his grandmother was the previous individual with the ability

in his human form his hair is dark like the coals in his father’s workshop, honey tanned skin from hours of work under the sun and a gentle shade of hazel for eyes        

when partially shifted he gains a good 2 and half feet in height as bones and muscle mass expands, nails are elongated into claws, canines sharpened and eyes become more of an amber gold colour. Faint markings appear around his eyes as well as down his arms. Fur of black-brown shade emerge the closer he shifts into his beastial form

his strength is renowned throughout his clan, at the tender age of 5 he shocked the souls out of his parents after they found that he’s managed to bend the metal bars of his youngling playpen simply to get out so he could go on a mini adventure to find an afternoon snack

“oh sweet Zeus, we’ve lost the baby!”

they found out very quickly that he particularly liked snacking on fruits especially apples and sometimes would have to hide extras from him, otherwise they’d have none left

Jongho had always looked up to his father and his speciality with weapons forging. During his youngling years he’d be allowed to sit at a safe distance and observe, wide eyes with wonder when he looked at his father welding ambthanite metal together or carving a blade from crystalline emeyl

it was no surprise that Jongho followed in his footsteps and begun his apprenticeship by his 12th summer, his immense strength was a sure advantage when it came to being efficient and how easily some techniques were mastered 

“who needs a machine when you can just bend it with your bare hands?”

his younger siblings adored watching their older brother (it felt like déjà vu) build anything as small as a hunter’s dagger to fixing up parts of visiting ships. It’s also an extra treat for them whenever Jongho would crush fruity snacks single-handedly, because he loves hearing their joyous laughter and applause

The Perihelion had actually made a supply stop within the region that Jongho resided in to trade for food and energy cells. Under the recommendation from some of the market farmers, the crew were led to the Chois’ smithing workshop to fix up minor damages on the ship’s hull and to assess if any defence upgrades were available to be installed on such short notice  

“…I can’t tell if that’s Hercules or a beast hammering away in there”

the expressions on half the crew’s faces were priceless once they met Jongho, right after they saw him heave a 7 tonne slab of frerhil iron [database file: a common metal for heavy duty spears used by barbarians & warmasters] on to the bench without batting an eyelid

“you sure are one strong baby!”

“MINGI SHUT YO-“

“oh don’t worry, I get that. A lot”

and if it wasn’t for the overly toothy smile that Jongho sent their way that made the crew slightly nervous, it would’ve been the way his muscles flexed tauntingly as he gripped Mingi’s hand in a handshake during introductions Seonghwa nearly sweated out his worries just wearily watching that exchange

“I think what our lovely tech engineer meant was that you have a bab-ahh youthful face, yeah, youthful appearance! Not that you’re a baby at age”

“of course, I just passed my 15th summer not too long ago actually. So what can I do for you lot today?”

Hongjoong didn’t even try to hide how impressed he already was, he hadn’t come across too many shifters before and knew very little of their nature and abilities so this was great insight for him. He couldn’t care less with Wooyoung snickering in the background when his chest puffed out proudly after Jongho complimented his ship

Jongho was genuinely amazed that The Perihelion had managed to hold out until now (after hearing brief stories as to how the damages were acquired), without even having a ship’s mechanic for regular maintenance. His awe elevated when Hongjoong told him that he, a self-taught, was the one who worked and spruced the ship up from its near-scrap stage

Jongho’s father made similar comments when he came round to check up on his son and the workshop, even helping a bit with fitting in newer protective panels around the engines and windows. It wasn’t anything fancy, but Jongho did promise should the crew make another stop by in the future he’d have some better upgrades for them

it wouldn’t be till nearly 4 years later where their paths would cross once again in the city of Acreon. Jongho having made the decision to leave his home planet to start living life a little more, though he’d still pick up smithing-mechanic work along the way of his travels. Probably not the most ideal way to reunite with the crew, especially amidst a bar brawl of all things    

having not fought in his entire life (unless you count sand wrestling during his youngling days), Jongho was running entirely on pure adrenaline when he recognised Hongjoong and swiftly grabbed him out of the way – seconds before a stool came smashing down

“what th-OH hey! It’s you!”

the crew witnessed Jongho partially shift that time, almost bowling the entire crowd over with his solid mass to get Wooyoung and San out of the fray. Throwing them over his shoulders and bolting with the rest out the back door of the bar (Wooyoung’s shrieking could be heard down the street)

“thank you for that, really, we owe you one”

“do your evenings out usually end up like this? Never would’ve pinned you lot as the type to throw punches at a bar”

“listen here, that slimy loathsome spawn of a troll deserved it for inappropriate treatment of the dancer”

well at least Jongho couldn’t fault them for having good morals and standing up for it, though he wouldn’t be able to live it down come the following day when news spread throughout the city of ‘a beast from the nether realms’ being involved in the incident at The Illusion he dreaded getting an earful from his parents should his family ever catch wind of the news

Hongjoong invited him to tag along with the crew for the rest of their time in Acreon (highkey hoping this time Jongho would stick around more permanently), which allowed him time to evaluate the state of The Perihelion since it’s been a long while

Jongho officially became a member of the crew after he convinced Hongjoong to head over to Vostrilles, a place he knew had supplies of the latest ship weaponry and mechanical resources, and stuck by long enough to help with the upgrades that the crew pretty much adopted him into their wholesome chaotic family

he grew to thoroughly enjoy their company and now have the luxury of being doted on by his older sibling figures (he’d still deck anyone who dares call him a baby with the exception of mumma Seonghwa)

“watch your language! There are children on board”

the crew realised just how much they needed a proper weapon smith/mechanic on board after a few close-calls with a rival crews – Jongho’s newly installed point-defence canons had given the ship an advantage on its durability and defensive structure that it could withstand enemy attacks enough to make an escape

no one would openly admit that they cannot stay angry at Jongho for longer than 2 minutes, even when he was being in an argumentative mood

not to mention that everyone is extremely protective of their baby bro  

ends up being closest to Mingi, Wooyoung and Yeosang, the latter having a calming presence when he needs some downtime and he appreciates the other chaotic duo when they join in singing random duets with him (a habit he does whenever he’s in his workshop)

recently Jongho found some quality metal paint, he pitched the idea of giving The Perihelion a proper makeover – Hongjoong and others could customise the colour palette they’d like and finally give the ship the glo-up she deserves (no one noticed Yeosang’s little character doodles he so sneakily painted at random spots/corners of the ship hehet)              

(moodboard made with love, by @s1ardusk​ ♡)

[nowhereclosetoit]

Pippa and Theo’s Relationship in “The Goldfinch”

(Or: Why Theo believes he’s in love with Pippa when he’s not)

I really enjoyed writing my last shitshow of an essay so now here’s another overly long essay on Theo and His Issues in “The Goldfinch”.

It’s 3,000 words so...good luck!

Pippa and Theo have a close bond, there’s no doubt about that, however, Theo misconstrues this bond in his head. He ends up perceiving the bond he shares with Pippa, on his end at least, for that of romantic love. Interestingly enough, this is not the case – Theo is not in love with Pippa, despite his belief, and Pippa herself understands this too.

One reason as to why Theo may be mistaking their close relationship (even though it’s never that close really) for romantic love is because of the similarities in each of their childhoods. There are many parallels that can be drawn between each of their childhoods, ranging from the death of a parent or guardian to their shared traumatic experience of the museum bombing.

Pippa’s mother, like Theo’s, is dead, as well as her legal guardian Welty (her uncle), who died in the museum bombing - Already they have some common ground through this which is the only established knowledge they have of each other on their first interaction in Hobie’s flat.

Pippa also stays with an adult (Hobie) who genuinely tries his best to take care of her until, right when things start looking up, another, estranged family member shows up to take her away from New York (Her Aunt Margaret who subsequently takes Pippa to Texas, then sending her to the school in Switzerland for “troubled girls”). This reflects the way that Theo was taken away from the Barbours by his father and Xandra to go and live in Las Vegas.

They are both also physically and/or emotionally abused and scarred from this event:

Theo, through his dad (and Xandra) who neglected him and also physically abused him.

Pippa through her Aunt emotionally manipulating her to make her stay at Institut Mont-Haefeli, and the school themselves for not having her best interests at heart.

In the film, Pippa states whilst at a restaurant after seeing a Glen Gould documentary, that “Welty was only with me that day because I was making him take me to an audition”, depicting her guilt – still as an adult – over the death of her uncle.

Theo makes it clear many times throughout the novel and the film how he feels it was his fault his mother died. (If you want an example check the excerpt above.)

How did they deal with it? Why is this significant in understanding their relationship?

Pippa’s grief manifested itself through her physical injuries which had lifelong lasting effects. Her injuries were extremely severe, reflecting the severity of her grief and guilt. (Hobie in Chapter 4 – Morphine Lollypop: “She’s had a bad crack on the head, a skull fracture, to tell you the truth she was in a coma for a while and her left leg was broken in so many pieces she came near to losing it. ‘Marbles in a sock,’ ” he said, with a mirthless laugh. “That’s what the doctor said when he looked at the x-ray. Twelve breaks. Five surgeries. ”)

Contrastingly, Theo was not as physically affected and internalised everything he felt. This illustrates itself through his lack of eating and sleeping due to his dreams that were plagued with nightmares of the day and his loss of his mother (firstly at the Barbours and also depicted in Vegas) and eventual demise into alcoholism and drug addiction (Vegas + the rest of his life dude’s fuckin popping pills – or crushing the pills then snorting them, I guess).

How Pippa and Theo’s grief manifested itself is significant as it foreshadows the later scenes in the narrative and how they each cope once they’re adults and should no longer be grieving. (I say should no longer be grieving as it’s clear that Theo only really lets go of his grief and guilt once his mother visits him in his dream in Amsterdam after the murder - in the book anyway.) By physically showing her grief to the world – by choice or not – Pippa illustrates a healthier way to deal with grief and negative feelings – getting it out there and receiving help. This also allows us to understand, whilst Pippa also never fully recovers too – See: her crying in the restaurant over the Glen Gould documentary - that she was able to deal with it significantly better than Theo did. She even manages to have a somewhat normal and healthy lifestyle as an adult. As we’ve already discussed, Theo’s grief internalised itself as depicted through his physical injuries/symptoms, or lack thereof. Theo chose, though whether he solely can be fully to blame for this, to internalise his grief and guilt through taking drugs and drinking alcohol. (I personally believe he isn’t fully to blame for ending up addicted to drugs because anybody who cared or was supposed to care about him offered him some form of drug or medication and said it would solve his problems, See: Mrs Barbour – sleeping pills, Xandra and Larry – pills for the plane, Boris – literally any drug they did together over the course of the novel.)

Mini Conclusion (for this part): The ways grief was expressed and dealt/not dealt with by Pippa and Theo explains why they behave the way they do, e.g: Theo internalises everything and never deals with anything fully or properly, Pippa on the other hand is better at reacting to things like an actual person as she was able to deal with her grief and guilt.

Why does Theo believe he is in love with Pippa?

I believe that there are four (4) main reasons as to why Theo mistakes his feelings towards Pippa as romantic love.

1. Pippa is the only remaining link Theo has, bar The Goldfinch, to his mother and before the bombing. He desperately wants to return to before the bombing happened - before his mother was killed. Theo met Pippa only moments before the bombing happened which irrevocably links her to Theo’s “Before: When life was perfect and beautiful” view of his life. This is explored, albeit briefly, in the following excerpts:

With Pippa being depicted in the same way as Theo’s mother, we get the sense that Theo associates her, unconsciously, with his mother, and, consequentially, sees her as a link to his mother, thus feeling no romantic love towards her in anyway.

An example of parallels between Audrey and Pippa is through how both of them had to go and live with an Aunt, with whom they did not have an enjoyable time with, in the South. 

Chapter 4 - Morphine Lollypop: Theo was thinking about “my mother after her parents died and she had to go live with her aunt Bess, + the mention of horses in this excerpt and how "the horses [were] sold”.

2. Theo also links Pippa with helping lessen his grief.

E.g: Soon after he first visits Hobie and Pippa, his appetite starts to return,

Theo relates Pippa to easing his feelings of anxiety:

With Pippa helping Theo ease his grief, whether realised or not, she becomes a caring figure for him, this could relate to a motherly sense of caring – which the novel could suggest so with my previous point, but hey, maybe I’m grasping at straws, idk.

3. Theo’s personality is obsessive and all-consuming which is depicted through literally any relationship he has had with anything and anyone for any considerable amount of time within the novel. 

This is depicted through the obsessive amounts he is able to recount about people and the minute detail in which he does so.

It can also be shown through the act of the years’ worth of letters he wrote to his mother after she died, as well as his relationship with The Goldfinch (obsessed with keeping it as it had a link to his mother and his heart etc).

4. (Again, maybe I’m grasping at straws here) He could be mistaking his love for Pippa as romantic as a result of compulsory heterosexuality (Once again, I’m using compulsory heterosexuality in this case as an LGBTQ+ individual feeling that they have to have romantic feelings/relations to people of the opposite gender/sex, and subconsciously forcing themselves to do so - due to the heteronormative society we live in). This can be found within his romantic relationships with women never fulfilling him and his constant depiction of them as cold (See: Kitsey quotes earlier in essay compared to the way he describes Boris in general) + We all know this motherfucker is queer af, if you don’t believe me check my essay out ;)

In conclusion, I feel like Pippa is able to realise that she is not in love with Theo/differentiate the love they have between them from that of romantic love as she is more aware of her issues and has dealt with them more than Theo has. Pippa managed to remove herself completely from a situation that was causing her pain (New York) and is able to see more clearly from doing so, whereas Theo didn’t. Theo was unable to remove himself mentally or physically and is stuck in the perpetual grief he feels for his mother’s death. The only time we get some sense of closure and complete removal of grief from Theo is after Amsterdam. (In the book this is after the dream he has where he can finally face his mother, and in the film, this is once Boris tells him that “[his] bird is back in the world”). Due to Theo being unable to fully receive any sort of ability to even attempt solving his problems, his judgment is clouded and he believes he is in love with Pippa.

[0ldsold1ers]

coffee days and movie nights

Reaper76 week, MONDAY: we can be heroes / SEP

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840567

Gabe’s had his eye on Jack all week.

It’s been a long one, even by his standards. He’s seen fifteen active war zones at this point in his prior service and training for the SEP, met hundreds of different squad members and buried more than half of them. His muscles are getting stronger and he’s faster, taller, better than he’s ever been before – and it’s still not enough.

The crisis isn’t getting better, the Omnics are getting smarter, and the SEP as a whole really doesn’t seem to be working too well.

There had been thirty of them originally, the best of the best, hand-picked and nominated by at least three superior officers each. Between them, there must have been a hundred medals. Each soldier was assigned a number according to alphabetical order, and the clandestine experiments had begun.

The mutations had followed pretty soon after.

Haroldson was the first to leave training. Had woken yelling in the night after a particularly gruelling forty mile run and been taken to the hospital wing. He’d never come back. Then Jones had started vomiting in the middle of dinner, blood spattered on the table. Williams’ fingernails had started to flake off on a mission in Vietnam – that had only been the start for her, rest her soul.

The numbers dwindled as the programme continued, until the government decided to simply recruit more. It wasn’t ethical, but they were at war and they weren’t winning. (Gabriel had spent an afternoon scrubbing latrines after arguing back. Nothing had happened to him yet, but the waiting was almost worse. Why should some other poor bastard go through the same?)

Adjustments were made to the dosages, more safety measures were put in place, and the numbers went up to fifty. And then up to one hundred before the higher-ups finally decided they weren’t going to be able to create an army like this. Besides, for the recruits who hadn’t died or ended up in the terminal hospital ward, the effects were beyond what was expected.

(Never mind the fact that only twenty-four out of one hundred had lived.)

The only bonus of there being so few of them now, is that Gabriel can actually get to know some of this squad – his squad, actually. Like Jack, for example.

He was a couple of years Gabe’s junior, the baby of the group, but that didn’t mean much in practice. The man had been recommended after saving six of his squad in Egypt and received a couple of medals to boot. He had courage in buckets, and a damn good head on his shoulders according to all reports.

None of those reports had mentioned how fucking handsome he was, on top of all that.

Sunny, golden hair shining over the bluest blue Gabriel had seen since he’d left the skies of California. And Gabriel is pretty straight, he should put that down in writing now, but if he was ever going to get down and dirty with another guy, he knows who his pick would be.

He just feels this strange need to get to know him, and he knows he isn’t alone in feeling like this. He’s discussed this with others in the squad, men and women – Jack Morrison is magnetic. There’s just something so unassuming and wholesome about him, hidden under boyish grins and stupid jokes. Gabriel knows there must be more layers there. He really wants to uncover them.

(That sounds a lot dirtier than he’d intended it to.)

But the two of them get to be pretty good friends pretty damn fast, and his opportunity to really get to know the farm boy comes sooner than expected.

It��s been a long, shitty day. The latest batch of injections is playing complete havoc with his immune system – one minute he’s feeling like he’s on the world’s highest caffeine burst, the next his muscles are aching so badly he can barely stand as he vomits out what feels like his last six meals.

Every member of the squad has a slightly different schedule, and for the first time, his and Jack’s have coincided. The younger man is still earlier in the programme and experiencing some of the nastier effects – his anatomy is still shifting around a lot. And when Gabriel bumps into him leaving the sick bay, looking particularly pale, it’s a deadly mix of sympathy and intrigue that prompts him to say:

“Hey, Morrison. Movie night tonight?”

And Jack sort of looks at him without really seeing, but replies, “Sure thing, commander.”

And that’s the extent of the conversation. But Gabe’s got something to look forward to now, something to keep him going through the day, and he spends ammunitions training that afternoon debating over what film to pick before having to run to the bathroom again and being sent back to his quarters by his CO.

It’s seven by the time he hears the doorbell to his quarters ring and he almost trips over himself to get to the door.

Jack’s stood there looking a little peaky but a whole lot more alive than he had earlier, and Gabriel welcomes him in.

“Nice place you got here, commander.” He jokes, looking around at the non-existent décor. The only reason they got individual quarters here were the vulnerable immune systems as a result of the SEP process. The organisers had learnt the hard way after a cold virus had wiped out six of the applicants.

“Thanks, I made it myself,” he replies as he made his way to the kitchenette, “And please, Gabe. Drink?”

“You got any juice?” Jack asks, and Gabriel laughs.

“Don’t worry about the doctors finding out, man, how about a proper drink?”

There’s a wry smile on his face as he replies, “I don’t drink alcohol.” Gabriel looks at him curiously. There’s a story there, but Jack doesn’t seem willing to share right now.

“Tea or coffee then?” He’s already decided he won’t be drinking if Jack isn’t. It’s no fun on your own.

“Coffee, thanks.” He says, dropping heavily onto the couch. “What film are we watching, then?”

Gabriel brings over two mugs, hands one to Jack and loads up his laptop. “I couldn’t decide in the end, so figured I’d give you a choice. Star Wars, or La La Land?” He feels he’s covering his bases here; he has to like either musicals or action films.

Jack snorts out the first sip he’d taken of his drink. “Bit of a choice there.”

Gabriel puts his hands on his hips. “Don’t tell me you’re too much of a man to enjoy a beautifully-shot love story with glorious musical numbers.”

Jack smiles, something mischievous there. “Fine, La La Land it is.”

Gabriel realises his mistake about twenty minutes into the film. It’s not that Jack doesn’t like musicals – completely the opposite.

“See, this is my main problem. Everyone keeps banging on about this film as a musical, but the music is incidental. True musicals use the numbers as exposition and story-telling. This is a film about music, not a musical.”

And the complaining doesn’t stop. “Why is the one black speaking role in a film about jazz the villain?” when Keith arrived. “See, this would be an actual song if it was a musical, not some cruddy dance silhouette.” when they danced in the observatory. “And she actually agreed?” when Mia got back in the car with Sebastian.

“Are you able to actually enjoy films?” Gabriel finally asks, mildly exasperated (but amused).

Jack gives him a look. “It’s not my fault you can’t pick a good musical.”

“Fine, what is a good musical?” he says challengingly, because he loves a good film debate even if musicals aren’t his first choice when he’s on his own. And he’s maybe a little bit desperate to know more about the soldier as well.

“Chicago. Cabaret. Les Misérables, but only on stage. I’m a big fan of Hamilton as well.” He says, eyes sparkling a little bit as he lists them off.

“I’ve seen Hamilton.” Gabriel volunteers, getting up to make more drinks and retrieve a blanket from the bedroom.

Jack says something he doesn’t really hear as he pulls the blanket off his bed. “What was that?” he asks as he throws the blanket in Jack’s direction.

The younger man doesn’t reply for a second, blushing a little bit. “I went with my boyfriend.”

The words have a strange effect on Gabe. Finding out Jack is gay is… interesting. It doesn’t change much really. Nothing at all. It just wasn’t expected.

He isn’t really sure how he’s supposed to react, but Jack’s watching him, worry starting to turn to anxiety and resentment, so he forces himself to spit out a reply. “Sounds like he has good taste in musicals, even if his taste in men is debatable.”

Jack laughs, and Gabriel knows he got it right. This is fine. Friendly teasing. Nothing more.

“I keep telling him he’s too good for me.” Jack admits, eyes crinkling just a little at the corners.

“What’s his name?” Gabriel asks, smiling unconsciously in the face of such love.

“Vincent,” Jack says, pulling the blanket over his legs, “He’s a journalist.”

Gabriel hands him the refilled mug and starts Star Wars quietly in the background. He’s not really intending to watch it. “You sound like you love him a lot. Why’d you leave him for this hell?” It’s only half a joke.

Jack does that weird little eyebrow twitch he does sometimes – in the future, Gabriel will understand he only does it when he’s telling a half-truth. “I have to protect him. People like him. There’s a lot of people back home...” He trails off, and Gabriel fills in the blanks. Jack seems like a family guy. Probably tons of siblings, local town, saw his small life decimated by Omnics and reality came crashing in. He’s heard the story before. He lets it go for now.

*

They’re doing an endless circuit of laps of the field when Jack falls into step beside him. Neither of them are really out of breath – they’ve only been going for half an hour so far. It’ll be a while before any of the platoon are really winded.

There’s a comfortable silence between them for a moment, but Gabriel can sense it’s going somewhere.

“Why did you join the SEP anyway, Gabe?” He asks, never breaking his gaze from the field ahead.

The green grass is erased for a moment, and Gabriel is back in the broom cupboard in his mother’s disintegrating house. He’s holding his shaking little sister against his chest and praying she won’t open the door.

He shakes his head, and it’s gone again. Back in the memory banks. He thought he’d finally banished that one. “Same as you. I got people I want to protect, Morrison.”

Jack nods thoughtfully, and Gabriel knows it’s only a temporary acceptance. That’s fine – he’s got another thing coming if he thinks he can get to Gabriel Reyes’ secrets first.

*

Jack corners him as they’re coming out of the showers later. “Movie night at mine tonight.”

Gabriel looks at him, amused. “You going to show me what good film choice is?”

Jack stares back, his look calculated. “Maybe.”

Four hours later, Gabriel stares at him, unamused. “You’re a walking cliché, boy scout.”

The iconic shield of Captain America glares out from the screen. Of fucking course it does.

Jack, for his part, does go a little red. “It’s a great film!”

Gabriel just laughs. “You’re not allowed to pick anymore.”

*

There’s a bunch of them out drinking one night – a visiting special ops squad from Egypt is here to help resolve a conflict with some rebels in Sudan, and they’ve all suffered losses. Gabriel finds himself sat next to a sniper – her name’s Ana, and she’s supposedly the best in the world. It’s not even supposedly – he’d seen the enemy dropping like flies earlier and wouldn’t have been able to tell you where the hell she was situated if he’d had half an hour to stop time and observe the battlefield.

He tells her as much, and she sniffs, a smile poking at the corners of her mouth. “Americans really are wrapped up in their own little worlds.” She’s flattered though, and happy enough for him to notice as much. There’s a quiet confidence to her which Gabriel is immediately drawn to. She knows exactly how good she is. This is the sort of person Gabriel wants watching his back.

“What made you sign up?” He asks her later, a couple of bottles of beer already put away. They’re having very little effect but to make him more confident. Jack’s wrapped up in conversation with Torres from their squad, but he catches Gabe’s eye and smiles.

“I have a daughter. Fareeha.” She smiles and retrieves a picture from a fold in her armour. There’s a grinning little girl in a summer dress smiling out at him, and Gabriel feels himself smiling in response.

“She’s lovely.” He takes another swig from his drink.

“What about you, Gabriel?” She asks, sipping her own whiskey. Alcohol isn’t commonly drunk in Egypt, but they’re making an exception tonight. Tonight, is for feeling alive after so many have died.

“I… used to have a sister.” He doesn’t make eye contact with Ana. Jack is looking at him – he’s clearly heard, but doesn’t comment, turning back to his conversation. “She died when my town was attacked by Omnics.” He doesn’t mention that the only reason she was out was Gabriel had made her run away with him.

He risks a glance, and Ana looks sympathetic but not pitying. She’s probably heard a hundred stories like his, and he’s done feeling sorry for himself. There’s a whole other world of people he has to protect now. He’ll do better this time.

They leave the bar an hour later, Ana’s number in his phone, and Gabriel finds himself falling behind. He sort of wants the solitude, but Jack falls back to walk beside him. There’s quiet for a minute before:

“I only had my dad. My mum died when I was eight, and they never had more kids. I don’t think they really wanted me in the first place.” He laughs without humour. “He was never really… there. If you know what I mean.” And Gabriel does, he understands absent parents even when the space is filled. “The Omnics came and then even he was gone, and all I had to look after was Vincent. I couldn’t lose him as well.”

Gabriel nods. Jack Morrison is beginning to make a lot more sense. No wonder they click so well. “I made my sister leave home with me. She wasn’t safe staying there, and then she died. So now I have to make it up to her memory.”

“You know that wasn’t your fault, right?” Jack asks him.

Gabriel nods. “My brain does. But I guess the rest of me doesn’t?” He laughs a little self-consciously. “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.”

Jack throws an arm around his shoulder and pulls him into his side. Gabriel is still a little taller, hopefully always will be, but Jack’s warm and cosy against him. His skin feels like it’s on fire, and he can’t remember the last time he peeled away this many layers for another person. They part too soon and Gabriel feels more alone than ever when he stands in the middle of his empty quarters.

*

“Movie night?” He asks as he passes Jack in the corridor, and the blond nods once with a smile before they part ways once more.

He’s got something good lined up for this evening.

Jack’s face is unreadable in his quarters that night.

Gabriel is worried he won’t like the film – how can you not? “How are we feeling about Moulin Rouge?” He asks, making the coffee without really thinking anymore. Movie nights are becoming a welcome addition to his routine.

Jack looks at him. “Can’t remember seeing it. It was my mum’s favourite.”

Gabriel panics. “Do you want me to pick something else? There’s a really bad film I think you’d love, The Room, it’s-“ He gabbles, before Jack interrupts him with a wry smile.

“It’s fine, Gabe, honestly. I just haven’t seen it in a long time.” Jack smiles at him reassuringly before stealing his mug from Gabriel’s hands and dropping onto the sofa. He slings his legs into Gabriel’s lap the second he sits down. Neither of them says anything about it.

Gabriel keeps a close eye on Jack’s face throughout the film, but he seems to enjoy it. It ends up Gabriel who cries through the last ten minutes (as he always does), and Jack shifts his position, leaning his back on Gabriel with his legs hanging off the other end of the sofa. The warm weight of his friend is so comfortable and he’d be happy to sit here for days like this.

His eyes widen – that’s not a good thought. They can’t sit here for days like this, this isn’t the way their relationship works. They have banter, they mock each other relentlessly, and sure they have each other’s backs, but they aren’t the centre of each other’s worlds. Jack already has a centre and his name is Vincent, and Gabriel doesn’t even want to be a pillar for the other man.

Or maybe he does.

He realises this as the end credits roll, and Jack’s heavy breathing as he falls asleep against Gabe make him hyper aware of the blonde’s chest rising and falling.

Gabriel Reyes is possibly not as straight as he thought he was.

He’s also possibly a little bit in love with his best friend.

Shit.

*

[heartinme]

it sounds bad but i might hate my parents? i asked if they would use my pronouns, they promised but never did it. they don't care about things which are useless/broken/simply trash in the house or my mental health (they even blamed me for self harm and having borderline) and laugh about it. i'm vegan and in therapy after fighting for these for years. i can finally have my own apartment upstairs, but still have to deal with them and it feels so gross... what can i do to become more individual?

hey ♡

that doesn’t sound bad at all, just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean that they are doing the best they can for you, i mean come on, how easy is it to use pronouns that someone would like to be called by, it doesn’t take any effort at all yet they still chose not to, and it’s ridiculous that you should ever be blamed for self harming, i know exactly how it feels to have family members dismiss self harming and make jokes out of it, it’s horrible and nobody should have to deal with that. i am so sorry that you feel like you have to turn to hurting youself as a way of coping with issues in your life, nobody deserves that and i really hope that one day you’re able to find better ways to manage without hurting your beautiful self, i believe in you and i’m really happy that you took the step to seek professional help, that’s a brave thing to do and hopefully it’s helping in ways that other things may not be able to. it’s tough and it definitely doesn’t help when your enviroment and surroundings aren’t looked after or cared for either but at the end of the day you’re only going to have to deal with it for so long and they’re the ones who are going to be living with it when you’re not there anymore. you can always change your enviroment, have your own space that’s just yours, it may only be a bedroom but it’s yours, it has your things and things that make you feel happy and calm and they can’t change that or take that away from you. 

it may be a good idea to try and communicate with them more if possible, their views and behaviors are probably because of how they were raised and how they see the world and although it’s not the best, i’m sure there are some things they wish they could change about themself. you’re all adults and you’re all capable of respect and mutual disagreement, sometimes the best thing to do is just agree to disagree, instead of putting so much energy into trying to get them to be on your side and be the parents you hope they can be, some poeple never change, they don’t realise how their actions are affecting others and it’s a selfish thing on their part. it’s so hard because parents, or family in general can do a lot more damage and hurt to us than we think they’re capable of or could do just because they’re suppose to protect and love us no matter what but that’s not the truth at all. you’re allowed to distance yourself from them, you’re allowed to have negative feelings towards them, you’re allowed to remove them from your life. you need to do what’s best for you and your mental health and clearly from the sounds of it they’re not. it’s great that you can finally move away from them a little and have a space just for yourself, even though it’s upstairs (in a house or apartment complex?) it’s still going to be yours, you need to fill it with so many things that bring you happiness, and make you feel like your true self, things that make you want to be a better person, things that make you feel relaxed and hopeful, things that improve and encourage growth in your life. try to make it a home as much as you can, and not just somewhere you’re living to get away from your parents because you might find yourself starting to relate negative feelings to your apartment and then they’re going to make that space a nagative space for you, which you definately don’t need or want. you are your own person with your own thoughts, feelings and ideas, you can, be and improve into whoever you want to be, you’re already hugely individual so really try to embrace it. your parents may suck but you can always choose your friends, people who you can feel like you can completely be yourself around so you feel like you’re not attached to a different version of yourself. now that you’re in your own apartment it’s going to be easier for you to not have to see your parents or be around them and i bet the more time you spend away from them the more you’re going to grow into the person you truly are, and feel more indivudual altogether.

- Sophie 

[kunstmull]

Thoughtsdump

Hey Tumblr

It's been a while. Just don't have the internet connection to keep up while WFH. Just wanted to have a ridiculous ramble somewhere even if it's on a dead Tumblr. Oh HEY you really can add "no reblog" to posts now!

So I tried to give up ~fandom~ but of course it didn't really work. The brief Visual Kei obsession thankfully seems to have faded away a bit. But I've got a really weird, and quite unusual (for me?) musical obsession in that I've really caning the back discography of a band where I don't fancy anyone?

This is so bizarre for me and I don't really know how to do fandom without that element?

Like, so much of the fun of fandom for me is the fancying element and having Your Favourite Band Member (tm).

And it's so weird because it's a band where the music is so absurdly sexy, the lyrics are kinda notorious for being almost criminally horny, and everything about the music, the beats, the lyrics, the singing, is almost comically sexy, and yes, I'm very attracted to the music in an abstract way, but I can't seem to latch onto anyone in a crushing-way? And I feel like I'm missing out on something?

OK, for anyone who doesn't follow me on Twitter and didn't see this slowly boiling up, I currently cannot stop listening to Depeche Mode. Oh god, yes, the shame, if 1985 me could see me, they'd be horrified. I was such a music snob when I was a teenager, and for someone who was really obsessed with punk and ~being an individual~ I was so ridiculously cowed by what my closest friends thought was uncool, and wow, were DM soooo ~*uncool*~ like WTF is this shitty Essex Boy Neubauten FanFic in Marks and Sparks jumpers and far-too-shiny-and-brand-spanking-new World of Leather accoutrements that looked like they still smelled of the showroom? They were just embarrassing, right?

But I was in Berlin for the Neubauten shows when the news came out about Andy Fletcher's death, and I'd always had a bit of a soft spot for Fletch on account the name and a vague family resemblance. (I mean, technically, if I was going to have a crush on any of DM, by all rights it should be Fletch - you know, tall, ginger, clever, originally the bass player, but even just thinking about it, UGH no, god - incest! Creepy. Just Can. Not. Go. There.) And we were dancing about on my balcony, drinking Sekt and singing along and having a grand time. And I suddenly realised that actually, you know what? The concept of Neubauten FanFic is... amazing? The Poptimist in me was just like "wow, they just had such GREBT CHOONs" and something in me melted and now here we are. Making up for lost time, and I can not, as they say, get enough.

But I can't actually get my head around fancying any of them, and that worries me.

Fletch would be the obvious candidate, but he just looks far, far too much like a mash-up of my brother, a couple of uncles, a cousin and a grandfather and just... nooooo.

Alan. Alan's kind of cute, and he's got that bright-eyed, nervous 'small woodland creature' that's so appealing about Baby Blixa, but his name is ALAN which is my father's actual first name, so that is a complete non-starter.

Dave. Sorry, Dave is just SLEAZY. I mean, within the context of the music, Dave's sleaziness totally works - what makes their music amazing is how totally and completely Dave completely embraces and works his inner sleaze. But that's a firm NOPE from my libido. Also, we used to have this mate, C, who hung around with my band, and he was lovely, but the first time we went to meet up with him IRL, he told us "people tell me I look like Dave Gahan" and he turned up and he was dressed like a minor member of Suede because it was still the 90s, but my god, he really did look like Dave Gahan, and even though I was really fond of C, he was a top bloke - at the same time, I knew him well enough that it actually flipped to the point of "my god, I could never fancy Dave Gahan because he looks too much like my mate C?"

Which leaves Martin. And Martin may be a musical genius, but I'm sorry...

he looks like a poodle

So that's where I am in my musical / fandom life right now. At least - thank goodness - that means there's unlikely to be any fanfic.

[taiblogcomics]

I’m Dreaming of an Orange Christmas (Repost)

Originally published to Xanga on December 22, 2011

Hey there, Winnebagos. If you're here for the latest characterisation atrocity committed by Red Hood and the Outlaws, I'm afraid you're going to be a bit disappointed. While ripping into this comic will remain a regular feature here, like Suicide Squad, it's being delayed this week because I feel like it. I've got something slightly older but much better for you this week. And it's even seasonally appropriate. Today we're going to run a recap for the Green Lantern Larfleeze Christmas Special #1 from last year~  Here's the cover, as always:

Now, before we begin, let's do a little summary of this character, just in case you don't know who Larfleeze is. And shame on you for not knowing.

Larfleeze was created in the gap of issues between two of the finest Green Lantern events in comics history, Sinestro Corps War and Blackest Night. Green Lanterns aren't the only lanterns, and Sinestro decided to make that absolutely true. Hence the Sinestro Corps War: Sinestro creates some yellow rings to offset the green and gathers together a bunch who can best use its fear powers. From there, more lantern colours kept popping up. Long-time rivals the Star Sapphires officially tapped the violet light of love, an old enemy stoked the red fires of rage, and the blue glow of hope was brought about to balance all the groups. And then came this one: the orange light of avarice, held in possession by the greediest, hungriest, most selfish being in the galaxy. His name is Larfleeze, AKA Agent Orange. You can read more of his origin in the collection Green Lantern: Agent Orange, which of course I highly recommend.

But why? Why do I recommend picking up every dang comic with Larfleeze in it that you can find? Well, because Larfleeze is frigging awesome, that's why. He's pretty much the greatest Green Lantern character since the book started in 1959. (Yes, I realise it actually started much earlier with Alan Scott's character, but since Larfleeze is part of the mythos that began with Hal Jordan, we're using Hal's debut as the starting point.) Larfleeze is quirky and weird and damn entertaining. He might be on the negative side of the emotional spectrum, but he's not explicitely evil. He's certainly no Joker or... Vandal Savage, let's say. He's largely hilarious, mostly since he acts like a greedy child most of the time. He's also unreasonably powerful (actual quote from Blackest Night: "Power levels 10,000%"), his ring commits literal identity theft of those slain by it, and he has some hidden depths. Which leads us into the comic we're about to look at now.

We open on Larfleeze's junkyard. Yep, Larfleeze has a junkyard and spends much time on Earth. This comes from an exchange he had with Lex Luthor (who briefly possessed a copy of Larfleeze's ring), who told Larfleeze that one of the most valuable things one can have on Earth is land. And frankly, he has a point. (He's Lex Luthor, he always does.) Larfleeze took this to heart, and obtained for himself a junkyard where he can store all his things and possessions and stuff. I don't think it's ever quite discussed how he obtained it, but my guess is "shenanigans". But I digress.

Also through shenanigans, Larfleeze has heard of the Earth's mighty and amazing guardian, the one they call Santa Claus. Sleeping restlessly in his bed, Larfleeze awakens to a large row of various clocks. Alas, not one cat clock among them, though. Realising the day he's awaited, Larfleeze goes tearassing out of bed, shouting delightedly. (Told you he's like a big child. A very destructive, competently-violent child with a rap sheet as long as your arm and more power than anyone could know what to do with.) Larfleeze gathers up his wishlist, which could put Calvin's to shame, and rushes down the stairs, anticipating what gifts Santa has left for him and how many hours it will take him to unwrap them all (by his estimate, 18. "Perhaps twenty if the ratwaffle cheese wheels are individually wrapped!"). But to his horror, there's nothing under the tree at all. The stockings hang empty.

Larfleeze at first thinks he's been robbed, but then he notices that the cookies and milk are untouched. And then comes one of the reasons why this is among the greatest comics of all time: a recipe. An actual recipe for making orange cookies just like the ones Larfleeze has prepared. When was the last time Batman ever included a recipe for making, I dunno, gingerbread batarangs? Never, that's when. Anyways, Larfleeze concludes that Santa has callously overlooked him in his deliveries, despite his adherence to the decorations and sweet-based offerings. Catching sight of a parade on TV, Larfleeze sees Santa coming down the street. He immediately vacates his house and attacks the parade with razor-fanged reindeer.

In the scuffle, Santa loses his beard, and Larfleeze discovers he is a decoy. He then catches sight of another Santa rushing into Dee Cee's Store of Stuff. He chases the Santa through the store, and discovers a whole group of men dressed in Santa costumes. Larfleeze snarls and threatens their lives until a brave little boy speaks up and tells Larfleeze where Santa is: the North Pole. We then get another brilliant page, this time of a maze made out of the Orange Lantern symbol. For extra awesome, Larfleeze is dressed as Indiana Jones on this page, and also stumbles across Superman's Fortress of Solitude before shrugging and leaving. Oh Larfleeze, if you only knew the rare treasures that lay within it, you would surely salivate at the chance to merely even see them.

After hours of searching, Larfleeze has enough and just begins blasting at the snow and ice. Green Lantern (Hal Jordan, if you were wondering) shows up, and says the ice caps have enough problems with melting without Larfleeze contributing. That's right, Hal Jordan wants you all to go green! Larfleeze, again in petulant child mode, begins demanding that Hal bring out Santa from wherever he's hiding him. Hal insists Santa is just a story told for fun, which Larfleeze can stand even less. Hal then plays his trump card. Christmas, he says, isn't about presents or Santa or getting. It's about having Christmas spirit. Larfleeze, of course, latches on to the word "having", and asks, "How does one... attain this Christmas spirit?" And to help you out, the comic generously includes yet another crafty sort of activity: a Larfleeze Christmas tree ornament to cut out and glue. This thing is pretty boss, and the only reason I haven't done it is because it would ruin the comic.

Hal takes Larfleeze back to his junkyard, and begins searching through it, despite Larfleeze's protests. Hal sorts through Larfleeze's stuff, and gives a little lecture about how Christmas spirit isn't about making the pile of stuff in your backyard bigger (c'mon guys, we all have one). It's about the usual Christmas special mention of giving. Hal then proceeds to give Larfleeze's stuff away to various charities and donation places, all while talking about the spirit of generosity. Larfleeze looks around at his empty junkyard, with only a broken toilet and an empty septic tank left in it, and comments, "I don't think I like Christmas spirit very much." And that, my friends, is why Larfleeze is a delight to read.

Hal continues to try and explain to Larfleeze that Santa isn't real and he shouldn't put so much importance on having stuff, while Larfleeze continues to be Larfleeze. Finally Hal gives up, and drops Larfleeze's Christmas list in disgust before flying off. He turns to give Larfleeze one last piece of advice: "Do yourself a favour, Larfleeze. Look at that list. Look at it close. And ask yourself--Do I really need it?" Larfleeze appears stunned by this. The last page is silent. Larfleeze pores over his list inside his little cabin. Eventually he comes to the very last item at the bottom of the list: "My Family". Larfleeze stares at it, and then curls himself around a pillow and lies down. The end.

Boy, what did I say about hidden depths, huh? Now you see why I read everything that Larfleeze appears in. (Next thing he appears in: Green Lantern New Guardians #4, coming December 28th. Can't wait~ ) Also, the issue then includes a bonus 2-page comic about Orange Lantern member Glomulus, and his quest to find a gift for Larfleeze, and all done in the Tiny Titans style, so it's quite cute. And a full page holiday message picture of all the Earth Green Lanterns (save Kyle) wishing you a happy holidays from DC closes out the issue.

This is a pretty great comic, and I highly recommend picking it up should you stumble across it in the back issues of your local comic shop or some online dealer. DC used to put out Christmas and Halloween specials all the time, but they didn't this year, probably due to the accursed relaunch. Perhaps next year they'll get back on the ball.

Also, it just occurred to me that Larfleeze would be absolutely the greatest Grinch of all time.

[armoured-iron-geek]

Tony’s Final Choice: Part 2

Follow up to Tony’s Final Choice

As requested by @pinksaphira11

It was Rocket and Quill who found Tony in the dust on that lonely cluster of leftover planet, broken and bloody and bruised...his heart beating no longer. The Iron Man suitcase armour dropped hopelessly from Quill’s hand, far too late to save and protect it’s creator.

As Quill stepped forward to further assess the body, Rocket raised a shaking paw to the communicative device in his ear that he and Tony had built their quick friendship over creating together. He passed along the grave message to Strange, who then spoke onto his own ear piece.

For the fighters in Wakanda, the planet seemed to stop spinning for a brief moment, a thick tension quickly building then bursting in a wave of shock as Strange’s voice reverberated through their very souls.

 “Iron Man is down. Repeat: Iron Man...is down.”

*******************

Thanos had backed down for the time being, biding his time despite having nearly all of the Infinity Stones in his possession. No one was quite sure why he had decided that this break was necessary, but they weren’t going to waste an opportunity to lick their wounds, re-group and, most importantly, lay their loved ones to rest.

In some morbid way, the Avengers could be considered lucky to have only lost a single member of their team while entire families had been ripped apart and entire planets had lost their populations. And in another morbid way, Tony was lucky to remain an individual, to keep his name and not just become a figure in some statistic logged in a government file. He remained Anthony Edward Stark:

Genius. Billionaire. Husband. Philanthropist.Hero. Martyr.

Two weeks after his death, he and his beloved Pepper, who had perished in the act of evacuating Stark Industries during the initial invasion, lay peacefully side-by-side in a closed double-casket made from gold titanium alloy. The funeral itself was worthy of Mr and Mrs. Stark’s status, but there was a simplicity to it’s elegance.

The service was held in Green-Wood Cemetery, among the oak trees and upon freshly mowed green grass. The attendees gathered close to each other, a fairly large group, but restricted to distant family, friends, colleagues and members of the Stark Industries board. Memorials and makeshift candle-light vigils were held in the US and all around the world for the fans and admirers who wanted to say good-bye in their own way. People sang, danced and prayed, some clad in black, others in red and gold.

As both Tony and Pepper were openly atheist, there were no psalms or passages from any religious texts to be read, just stories and memories to be told and cherished. Eventually, it was time to lower the Starks into their final resting place, a melancholy song called River crooning them downwards.

**************

Several miles away, a solemn teen rested against a mountain of pillows in a hospital, limbs in casts, IV’s in place and the steady beeping of a heart monitor for company. His aunt had disappeared to run a few errands, promising to return as soon as possible, but in all honesty, he was glad for the loneliness. No one can pity you if they don’t see you crying.

His sobs weren’t caused by any physical pain. His healing factor had kicked in perfectly and if it weren’t for the fact that his legs had been shattered so badly, he’d already be up and out of there. No, this pain was far worse than any broken bone, stab wound, bullet wound or burn could ever muster. It could only be brought about again by losing the one thing he seemed incapable of holding onto.

Family.

There were many wonderful things Tony Stark had taught Peter Parker. Their  original conversations about science, engineering and superhero antics had gradually extended into general life, Tony passing on the wisdom and logic that could only come from a mind like his.

Peter would always remember his favourite conversation the mentor and protege engrossed themselves in one night, digging into greasy pizza in the Compound’s workshop.Tony had been taking Peter through the framework of each of his AI’s and robots, demonstrating how they were entirely different, but still connected through various characteristics. It had sent Peter on a vaguely related train of thought.

“It’s kinda like me and Ned,” Peter had pondered aloud.

Tony had sent him an inquiring look at that statement, giving him a ‘go on’ gesture since his mouth was currently shut together by an excess of cheese.

“It’s just- I mean-Ned and I are so different. We have different ethnic backgrounds, different living situations, we don’t have the same interests in different areas of science, but none of that matters in the end,” Peter clarified.

Tony smiled softly, seemingly happy to divert the original conversation by prodding further. He hastily swallowed his current mouthful, “It’s the few things that you do have in common that counts.”

That was neither a statement nor a question.

Peter nodded, “Yeah, I guess. I’ve known Ned since I was little-”

“You mean more little than you are now?”

“Shut-up, you’re barely taller than me,” Peter lightly huffed, grinning at Tony’s laughter and giving him a playful shove, “Ned’s been my friend since forever and it’s gotten to the point where we do stuff for each other without questioning it. We help each other with homework, build Lego sets, I help him talk his parents into letting us go and do stuff, he helps me with Spider-Man stuff-”

“Right, he’s your guy in the chair. How could I forget? He’s only reminded me three billion times.”

“Hey, he just wants you to recognise him, “ Peter chuckled, “Having Tony Stark’s number in his phone is kinda a big deal for him.”

“I’m sure it is. Doesn’t mean I’m not second guessing whether I should have given it to him in the first place,” Tony teased, readjusting himself in his spot on the couch. He was silent for a few moments before shooting Peter a meaningful look, “Ned’s like a brother to you, isn’t he?”

Taken aback by the sudden mood-shift, Peter shrugged it off before replying, “Yeah...I suppose he is.”

Tony gave another soft smile, a rare occurrence. Quietly, he admitted, “Kinda like me and Rhodey. Couldn’t possibly tell you how many times that poor bastard’s had to haul my sorry ass back to safety. I’m telling you now, Kiddo, the people who are willing to save you from yourself no matter how bad things get- they’re the ones you hold onto. I’ve had to learn that the hard way.”

For a few moments, Tony went silent, a sobered look passing across his features as his eyes suddenly set on the storage cupboard Peter knew held Captain America’s shield. Peter was keen to move the conversation forward, but Tony bet him to it. 

“The important thing to remember though,” Tony pressed on, “is to remember to give back. It took me longer than I care to admit to realise that and I nearly lost everyone. Never half-ass family, Peter. I’m sure I don’t actually need to tell you this, but at the end of the day, blood and genetics mean nothing. Especially for people like you and me. Our families consist of those who are just as weird and broken as we are because we need each other.”

Peter couldn’t help but grin at the genius’ honesty. The teen could have sworn, Tony was blushing, clearly not used to being this open in a single conversation. Peter decided to give something back. Like Tony said, you don’t half-ass it.

“You know you’re apart of mine, right?” Peter stated, causing Tony to swivel his entire body towards him in shock, “You came out of nowhere and gave me a chance to pursue something I was starting to think was far bigger than I could handle. Not only that, but you never left. Too many people have....”

Out of all the reactions Peter was expecting to get, a few moments of silence before abruptly being pulled into a tight hug was the best and most welcome of them. Tony never verbally responded, but Peter got the general idea.

“You’re apart of mine too.”

But now that precious part of Peter’s family was gone and just as irretrievable as those who had gone before him. Peter twitched in his bed, groaning and using his one good hand to wipe away the tears. He was bitter that the funeral was happening without him, but simultaneously relieved that he wouldn’t have to bear the memories of it.

A sharp glint of light was caught in his eye as the sun shone through the window. Grunting, he shifted his head to gaze at the ever-present sentry in the corner of the room. The Prime Iron Man armour hadn’t left his side, F.R.I.D.A.Y opting to stick to the final direction given to her by her creator. K.A.R.E.N had engaged her in a heated conversation, even attempting to take over the armour, declaring she was quite capable of caring for her directive, but Tony’s A.I was having none of it. Peter now had two bickering intelligence's at his disposal, much to his chagrin.

Their continuing arguments and constant doting frustrated him, but at least they were a distraction, preventing him from having to deal with his loss for a few moments at a time. He didn’t want to remember the moment of shock and the numbness that followed in the wake of being told his father-figure was dead. He wanted to escape the guilt that left him drowning and kept him awake at night as he tried to stop himself from screaming. He knew that wasn’t want Tony wanted of him, but how could he prevent himself from feeling what was true to his core?

A few weeks later.

Still stiff, but thankfully mobile, Peter sat by Aunt May on a leather couch across from one of the Stark lawyers in Stark Manor. The place was freshly cleaned and returned to it’s former glory, a bit stuffy and cold for Peter’s liking, but that could easily be changed if he wanted it to be so.

After all, the Manor was now his. As was several more properties across the globe, half of Tony’s intellectual properties and a third of Tony’s wealth and controlling shares of Stark Industries. Another third was split between Rhodey and Happy.

The final third of Tony’s wealth and the other half of his intellectual property was being bequeathed to another kid his age, someone Tony had told him about but never had the chance to meet before now. Harley Keener was seated with his mother and sister on the only other leather couch in the room, looking just as melancholy and nervous as Peter felt. That alone was enough to prompt him to approach the other teen once the formalities and paper work had been dealt with. 

The two Stark heirs accompanied each other to the Manor’s pool area, settling down on old deck chairs, content to be next to each other in the silence for a while, just enjoying the cool breeze grazing their faces. Peter was happy to lay there for longer, but eventually Harley got curious and turned towards him, tilting his head.

“So you’re Spider-Man, huh?”

Harley gave a weak chuckle at Peter’s jerk reaction, giving himself away before he could even try to deny it.

“Don’t worry, Tony never blabbed. He would never do that to you. I kinda hacked into F.R.I.D.A.Y and found your file. Tony was both pissed and impressed by that...”

Despite himself, Peter laughed, hardly caring after several weeks of emotional turmoil,”Just don’t go spreading it around, yeah? Once we both turn 18, we’ll be sharing ownership of the same company. Best to not go pissing each other off.”

Harley chuckled again, “True. Shit. That shouldn’t be hard, should it?”

“What?”

“Owning the biggest tech company in the world. One of us is gonna have to run it eventually.”

“Ugh, I really don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t care,” Peter sighed, “I can’t even think about putting my suit on at the moment. Tony made that, y’know? He put so much effort into it...Parachute....Heater....A.I...Over 500 ways to shoot a web, how did he even...?”

“He cared about you, that’s how,” Harley stated as if it were the most obvious fact in the world. It probably was, “Just like how he tutored me in engineering despite not being able to visit me that much.....I’m gonna miss it...”

“Yeah,” sighed Peter. 

The two heirs fell back into their shared silence again for several minutes before Harley once again broke it.

“Tony was closer to you than me.”

“What makes you say that? You knew him longer than I did.”

“Yeah, but you got to see him every week....I was just...”

“Family. You were his family. Tony said so.”

Harley looked apprehensive, but hopeful, “Did he really say that?”

Peter gave a grim smile, “Well...not directly, but it was implied. He said that his family consists of people who are just as weird as he was....”

“....You’re calling me weird?”

Peter chuckled, “Is that a bad thing?”

Harley considered it for a moment, “Nope, it’s not a bad thing at all.”

“Good. I guess....I guess we’ll just have to keep being weird together without him, right?”

“Right.”

[wannawrite]

Don’t Play

who?: Wanna One’s Ong Seongwoo genre: 🌸 type: bullet point the ‘our two lips’ flower boys LDH | PJH | PWJ | KJH | IYM | JH | LGL 

blog navigator. • flower boy AU • Seongwoo loves to play but not on the job and definitely not with your feelings the double-edged sword flower boy AU is back, with added Christmas spirit. I kind of lost touch with this AU, it has been awhile. :”) but TYSM for requesting anon!! The boys are back ;) - Admin L

• so you know that guy who is always over enthusiastic and excited about ANYTHING • that is Seongwoo at his finest • you always hear him before you see him • it’s simply a Seongwoo thing you know? • every time, everywhere • in university lectures • at the campus Starbucks • even on the other side of the football field • Ong’s voice will surround you • everyone is blessed with Seongwoo and the whole student body drools when they see him • along with his 10 friends • everyone calls them Wanna One • for some odd reason • strange • literally, everyone loves them • there are fan accounts on IG and Twitter just for individual members • your college is so extra tbh • side note: this actually happened at my friends’ school • like there were fan accounts of the popular boys • lowkey scary tbh • but anyway, they’re Wanna One • they are just THAT good-looking, well-mannered, smart • if you breathe the same air as them, good for you • honestly, you’ve inhaled too much of Seongwoo’s toxicity • he has been your neighbour since two of you were toddlers • but it isn’t that cute, fluffy, scattered with sugar story that is expected • no • the Ongs and your family aren’t exactly on good terms • it isn’t like World War III is about to lash out any moment but that’s exactly what I’m saying • there’s just some unspoken rivalry that neither of the younger generation understands • ‘you must never associate yourself with them!’ • ‘don’t even think about looking about that Ong boy!’ • your parents shut up whenever you question it and your grandparents brush it off • ‘it’s nothing. just ignore them and don’t give charity.’ • lol trying to trip Mr Ong Senior with your walking stick isn’t ‘nothing’ • but whatever, you and Seongwoo just avoid each other • like you’re meant to • your families would throw a big fuss if the two of you were within a 5-metre radius • ‘why can’t we just sell the house and move?’ You’ve asked that question many times • apparently, this house is passed down to your parents from generations ago and they must ‘continue the family tradition’ • this is weird • side note: I’m sure this happened in real life too • so you continue to avoid Seongwoo • even though many of your lectures are spent a few seats away from each other • sometimes you take that chance to ogle his extremely good features • that jawline • his twinkling eyes • those cool three moles on his face that form a perfect triangle • you wonder if he took his family’s eyeliner to draw it on • there’s no way he can be SO flawless • but he is Ong Seongwoo so there is a way • half of you wants to just say ‘f it’ and talk to him but the other, more rational half is saying that he won’t speak to you because of all that family drama • no one knows what even happened • you go about uni ignoring Ong and trying to suppress your feelings for him • but it’s really hard because of how ‘close’ you are to him • like if you concentrate, you can see that he’s actually drawing flowers on his notepad and not taking down notes • Seongwoo also lets Daniel, his best friend, doodle random sketches on his hands and arms • most of them resemble flora like patterns • it’s also not uncommon to see Seongwoo walking home with a bunch of wildflowers in his grasp • he likes flowers • and he’s intimidating • Seongwoo is that guy who will talk a bunch of crap and expect people to know what he’s referring to • only his friends get the drift • he’s just naturally talented in gag • always cheerful, bubbly, making his friends chortle with laughter • he definitely knows how to put on a show • playfully insults all his friends, won’t hesitate to punch one of them - but gently and for fun • you’ve seen enough of Seongwoo’s quirky personality to fall in love • finally, on the very last day of school, you muster up the courage to talk to him • ‘h-hey Seongwoo, c-could you sign m-my yearbook?’ you stutter out, blushing • internally: please! don’t! ever! tell! my! parents! about! this! • smiling, he turns away from Daniel - who wriggles his eyebrows - and takes your book • ‘sure, of course. I can’t deny my adoring fans, can I?’ • he even adds a heart to your yearbook page • you can’t tell if you should cry or laugh • ‘thank you!’   • ah goodness now you have to make up some crappy excuse as to why your parents can’t see your yearbook • ‘oh! that! I...uh left it at Jaehwan’s place by accident. You know...since we went out to celebrate...’ • Seongwoo was at Jaehwan’s house party too, but you never communicated • I guess it’s a good thing? • a wasted opportunity • other than admiring from your living room window or balcony, that’s the last you see of him and the first yet last interaction you had • you need to be careful, your mother caught you staring at him a few times • ‘staring at that Ong boy again?’ she spits out ‘Ong’ so venomously you nearly shrink back • ‘that Ong son is no good? Don’t mix with him! I’m so glad he will be in a different lecture next year. Good grief!’ • your whole family insists he’s bad influence, turning you into somewhat of his rival • it does irk you a little how much they dislike the Ongs • enough to pit their children against each other • sigh • family drama :( • ahhh, another thing happens • Seongwoo starts to pay more attention to you • ‘hi!’ he chimes when he sees you at the bus stop • ‘you asked me to sign your yearbook...and I saw you at Jaehwan’s party. Y/N? Was it?’ • is he really talking to me? • hold up, there are CCTV cameras around here right? • ‘uh, yeah. see you around!’ • *runs* • another time, you’re going out with your friends and he seems to be on his morning run, Nikes, earpieces and all • ‘GOOD MORNING’ • you blush, shyly waving • Seongwoo greets you every time he sees you around and it really worsens your crush on him • for a good week, you try to avoid him as much as possible • please! don’t! smile! at! me! that! way! • if not my heart will flutter wildly :”) • but our families hate each other • for no reason • and I’m not about to go around pulling some modern day Romeo and Juliet shit • btw, I watched the ballet this year and it was very very VERY enthralling. 12/10 would recommend • suddenly, running from Seongwoo becomes a routinely thing • it works • now, it is the only physical activity you will engage in • to hell with physical education • but do take care of your health guys!!! • you find yourself thinking of other things other than him • until Saturday • you and your best friend are on your way to a cafe for dinner • since it’s Soyeon’s birthday, she chooses to dine at Our Two Lips • please support Cube’s amazing rapper, Jeon Soyeon’s debut single ‘Jelly’ • please please Cube is trash but their artists are never • ‘oh! My relative, Guanlin, works there. I’m here to collect blackmail to send to Seonho.’ • my Cube babies :”) • Lai Guanlin? The opposite of ‘flower boy’?  • oh well • Our Two Lips is early to celebrate Christmas, the place is already decked out with fake snow, Christmas lights and a hella lot of mistletoe • all the flower boys now boast Santa hats • well, some have Poinsettia flower crowns • Guanlin literally goes tomato red when he sees his cousin • he’s all over her Snapchat story • from a mile away in the Yoo house, you can hear Seonho’s evil laughter cackling • ‘I’m done.’ Guanlin says, tossing his mile of menus to someone else and taking a tray of empty plates from their hands • oh look who it is • your jaw falls open, and immediately, you feel redness creep up your neck and guilt root in your stomach • the man you had been desperately trying to evade • Ong Seongwoo • and his perfect constellation moles • to hell with him in his crisp work attire and bright red Poinsettia flower crown • plus, he did his hair up today • the poinsettia’s are the ones holding his up-do in place • in fact, the dark shade of his hair makes the flower crown POP • w o w • but, to your surprise, there isn’t any huge beaming smile, or jokes falling from his lips • just a serious, suave, look • Seongwoo smiles politely and takes the both of you to your seats • throws a huge fuss when he finds out its Soyeon’s birthday • ‘SuNGWOON HYUNG, iT’S SOYEON’S BIRTHDAY’ • if you don’t get the connection, Sungwoon and Jisung spend a lot of time dabbling in dessert and confectionery other than being flower boys • seen in the other flower boy works ^ • wink wonk check them out via the master list • ʕ ·ᴥ·ʔ • this Seongwoo is so different from the one you’re used to seeing • suddenly, you miss his laughter, his smile and his humour • that small glimpse you had of his personality was enough for you to love it   • ‘I’ll be back shortly with your order,’ he says, taking the menus back • cue wink @ you • once he’s out of earshot, Soyeon bursts into a fit of giggles • ‘I knew it! Everyone was betting whether you two liked each other!’ • everyone? • ‘huh? who?’ • ‘oh you know, Daniel, Lin, HyunA, Jisung, Sungwoon, Jihoon, Yeeun, E’Dawn, Hui, Eun-‘ • your hands fly to cover your reddening ears as Soyeon lists pretty much everyone you know • ‘LA LA LA LA LA’ • it doesn’t take you long to realise that you blurted that out a crowded cafe, loud enough for everyone to hear • curious stares bore holes into your back and you can feel the embarrassment choking you • ‘FA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY’Seongwoo belts out, skipping across the room as if it was normal • out from the speakers blast the Christmas carol • the speakers were connected to Seongwoo’s phone via Bluetooth • you’re lucky he invested in Spotify premium as an early Christmas present • ‘to: Ong Seongwoo. With love, Ong Seongwoo’ • he is that hoe who pulls that kind of shit • but yes self love, self appreciation • pretty much forces everyone to join him in a mini Christmas song karaoke session • Soyeon gets the video she needs • Guanlin wants to kill himself so he dabs at the end of every song • all the diners clap and cheer along like nothing happened • they love Jaehwan’s high notes • it takes you a moment to process that Ong Seongwoo, who you tried to hate and avoid • whose family is in deep shit with yours • just saved your ass • albeit it isn’t like he saved you from drowning • well, drowning in your tears of embarrassment but • it’s nice of him to try and cover your peculiar behaviour • ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!’ Ong shouts, spraying canned fake snow • ‘uh, hyung it’s still November.’ Park Woojin reminds softly • ‘well Halloween is already over and we can’t exactly celebrate Thanksgiving right now so it’s practically Christmas already,’ • happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate! • I don’t but I’m thankful for all of you 💓 • Seongwoo wins that mini-debate so it’s declared Christmas starting from 30 November • remember when he said Merry Christmas in the middle of May? yes, mood • ‘JIHOON, I’M GOING TO NEED SOME SNOWMAN LATTE ART’ • ‘JAEHWAN, BRING OUT MORE POINSETTIAS’ • Soyeon simply snickers once more Christmas songs pour out of the speakers • Seongwoo arrives with your drinks and you can’t bear to look him in the eye • ‘Oh gosh Soyeon,’ he whisper-yells. ‘God doesn’t need snow to make an angel.’ • *points at you* • I’m sorry I’m sucking the bad Christmas jokes too much • I can’t believe I came up with that? It’s awful • your face is redder than the Poinsettias or mistletoe decor • when will he give you a break? • never • I love Never so much • ‘hey, Y/N,’ he pauses to set your dinner down • ‘yeah?’ you already know how it’s going to end • you like it • shush, don’t let him know ;) • ‘in my eyes, you’re more radiant than an angel.’ • A S D F G H J K L • that was bad since I made that one up too • you fight a blush and purse your lips, forcing yourself not to smile • ‘I guess you’ll end up on Santa’s naughty list this year,’ you counter-attack • ‘wait...I didn’t know you were into that kin-‘ • ‘because you stole my heart!’   • cutting off Seongwoo for a good reason • he nods in approval, high-fiving you • ‘nice one.’ • all puns intended • with a smile on her face, Soyeon shakes her head and quietly chuckles • ‘you two are the perfect match. I saw it coming.’ • the only rivalry you’ll allow between you and Seongwoo • who can make worst puns? • it’s entertaining to playfully spite him • puns bring people together • Seongwoo looked absolutely dashing • you suddenly love Poinsettias • and mistletoe • but that’s for another day ;) • he’s sweeter than the Christmas stollen you ordered • he’s stollen your heart for sure • puns intended • there’s like 0 way you can hate him now • your family is going to combust if they knew • AHHHHHHH • maybe you’re secretly wishing for Seongwoo to appear under your tree this year • ‘don’t wish for him under the tree, wish for him under the mistletoe!’ Soyeon hisses, winking. • you love her • spending time with your best friend at OTL is 12/10, I’m ready for emotional talks over Christmas scented Yankee candles yes • then • Seongwoo, Sungwoon, Jisung and pretty much all the other staff make their way to your table • you can see the glint of Guanlin’s phone as he records the moment of Soyeon’s face going absolutely red when they start singing ‘happy birthday’ to her • SO CUTE • she’s a girl crush okay, what is my sexuality anymore • the cake that Sungwoon and Jisung made is a mini log cake • those with little reindeer and sleds pinned on the top too • ‘Soyeon, I have locked you in my memory!’ • you don’t need to look to know it’s Park Jihoon and his catchphrases • ‘ahhh, no. That’s now how you do it,’ Seongwoo protests • Jihoon pouts. ‘Okay, show me hyung.’ • ‘Y/N,’ • N O. N O • ‘You have the key to UNLOG unlock my heart!’ He does an ‘unlocking door’ gesture • you can’t contain your giggles and neither can the rest of your friends. • awwwww Seongwoo is really something else • maybe he’s your gift this Christmas • the sweetest, cheekiest, cutest gift ever • you really wouldn’t have it any other way • ‘Seongwoo,’ you call, just before you’re about to leave. • he perks up, a faint pink rushing to his cheeks. ‘yes?’ • ‘maybe...you can give me your number and we can go out more this holiday.’ • his eyes go wide and his mouth falls open a little, shocked • ‘u-uh..sure!’ • he NEVER stutters • ‘I’ll see you around then!’ he yells as you walk out of the shop • outside, there’s a thin layer of snow coating the ground • snow falls • and you’ve fallen for the Ong boy wearing a Poinsettia flower crown • looks like you’ve got a secret to keep this Christmas • and Santa has one wish off your list

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

WAD 93 FULL DRAFT

Keith was furious with himself. When he'd seen Lance before his surgery, he'd wanted to tell him how much he loved him, but in one look, he'd been filled with fear. All the "what-ifs" hitting him at once. What if this didn't work? What if there was too much damage? What if Lance didn't wake up? If he did, would he even still want him? He was a coward, but the thorns of fear had gripped his throat and he hadn't been able to say a damn thing. All he'd been able to do was stand there silently as tears formed in his eyes. Lance was his world, and he couldn't even find the right words to tell him that.

Now he was sitting beside his husband's bed, watching his chest rise and fall as they waited for him to come out from under anesthesia. Lance was supposed to have woken vargas ago, but his doctor didn't seem too concerned. Though Keith definitely had the feeling they weren't telling him everything. Lance reeked of blood, but the procedure was supposed to be simple. The moment he'd learnt his mate hadn't woken, he's wanted to take him straight up to the castle and place him in a pod, yet now they wanted to wait another 4 vargas. If Lance didn't wake on his own by then, then they'd transfer him up to the castle. It felt wrong to leave him sleeping. He'd been so scared of what could go wrong, and now all Keith could do was hold his hand as he cried softly. He'd fucked up badly.

4 vargas came and passed, but Lance still wasn't awake and Keith was tired to the bullshit the doctors tried to spin. His anger finally bubbling over the surface as he unhooked all the monitors on Lance's unconscious form. Even his mother didn't try to stop him as he lifted Lance into his arms, and his eyes widened at the amount of blood beneath his mate. Something was very clearly wrong. Without saying a word, his mother leapt into action, clearing the way so he could freely carry Lance from his room, and through the hospital. Any staff member that dared to even looked at Krolia like they might stop her was answered with a chilling snarl that told them not to even bother wasting their words. Outside the hospital was a blur as Keith's heart raced so loudly that it was all he could hear. He should have just taken Lance from the beginning. He should have been there for him went he went under, and told him how much he loved him. It was a small eternity before he was plunged into the artificial brightness of the castle, and running through the halls as his mother moved their friends out the way. He didn't know what he supposed to tell them. All this was his fault. Yes Lance's heat had been horrible, but if he wasn't so sick, he could have taken care of him properly. He could have handled Lance's moods. His omega didn't have to go through this, they could have found another way, but now it felt like he'd forced his hand. Especially after talking to his mother last night. Lance had been shaken by everything that happened, much more deeply than the fears he'd told him about. He'd even had a nightmare about the team all dying and it being his fault, and Keith had pretty much said the same thing, even if it came out completely wrong. Lance had still felt like he was being blamed and his jab about death being preferable... he should have known better. His alpha should have known better. Finally reaching the pod room, Keith carried Lance over to the first available one, kicking the glass when it didn't open fast enough. Lowering Lance in, Keith double checked his mate was still breathing before stealing a kiss "Baby. I'm so fucking sorry, and when you get out of here, I swear you can boss me around for the rest of our lives. I love you" Kissing Lance again, he stepped back and let the glass slide into place before sinking down and resting his forehead against it.

Allura was the brave one of the group, or maybe the stupidest. Walking over to him, she crouched down and wrapped her arms around him "Keith, what happened?" "I don't know!" "Allura, Keith's dangerous to be around right now. Let me take him" "Keith?" "She's right..." The comfort of Allura's hug made him want to scream. He didn't deserve people being nice to him. Prying Allura away from him, his mother sank down and lifted him into her lap, like she liked to do with Lance "Can someone grab a damp towel please?" Looking down at his hands, he realised they were bloody, and he struggled to suck in his next breath as his chest tightened. Not sure what was happening, his alpha scratched at his brain, demanding he stop acting so foolish "Keith. Keith, you need to listen to me. You need to breathe. You're having a panic attack" Was that what this was? A panic attack? Breathing in and out, slowly and loudly, his mother coached his aching chest back to breathing in a semi-normal manner, while someone went about wiping the blood from his hands "Keith?" "Sorry... I'm..." "You're not alright" "I can't let everything end in a fight" Cradling him close, his mother kissed and smoothed down his hair "He's going to be ok" "He was supposed to be ok when he came out the surgery! I knew I smelt blood! I should have checked sooner!" "We don't know the full story" "I never should have left him alone! He was terrified something was going to go wrong!" "I know he was. That's why I promised to be there for him, but he wanted this" "Because I wanted more kids!" "And because the heat he just went through was incredibly hard. He didn't want to ever feel like that again" "We could have found a way" "Keith, his heat was messing with every part of him. He wanted this surgery because he wanted to feel better" "He could die" "He won't die" "But he didn't wake up" He knew everyone wanted answers, but he had none to give. Hiding his face against his mother's shoulder, he nodded against her "I know you're all worried, but right now, we don't know what happened. Lance's surgery went well, and the doctor was pleased with it. He was supposed to wake from the anaesthesia 9 vargas ago, but they said he might take longer to come out as he'd human and they had to adjust for that. They also said if he wasn't awake in 4, then they'd transfer him up here. Keith wanted to move him from the moment he came out of surgery, so you can imagine what it was like keeping him calm enough to wait. When we hit the 4 varga mark, we both had had enough of waiting. Pulling back the blankets, we found Lance had been bleeding, a scent we'd both out down to his surgery. That's all we know. As far as we know, there's no reason for the bleeding. Right now, we are both struggling with the need to find the surgeon who did this and tear his throat out. So I know you're worried, but it's dangerous around us right now" "We'll take care of the boys. Is there anything you need?" Keith shook his head "Actually, I think bringing the boys up here will help. His alpha is probably in overdrive with the need to protect his family" "Oh. Right. Just leave it to us"

* Lance was only in the pod for half a quintant before it opened. He'd expected his mate to be confused about why he was there, and to reach for him. Instead, Lance moved straight to their son's, lifting both boys into his arms with a happy laugh. Ryner had heard about what happened, so had talked to the surgeon about Lance's surgery. The damage to his womb had hard to remove. Instead of being smooth scarring like the scans had shown, it was more like an infection and once the surface scarring had been cut into, the inside necrotic tissue had begun "oozing" out, yet surrounding each individual tendril of damage was scarring. It'd been pretty complex, and with so many open "fissures" of damaged tissues in such a fine lining, they'd thought they'd managed to repair all of it. The staff on duty had only been waiting for Lance to wake naturally, before transferring him back to the castle. Somewhere along the way, there had been a break in the communication chain, which had lead to things escalating the way they had. Ryner had explained things much more eloquently, but the main point she was trying to drive home was that her surgeons felt Lance would have been in a lot more pain than he was showing, and while they had removed the tissue, without the use of a castle pod to heal his womb Lance would never be able to have kids again, if it'd healed naturally there would be just too much scarring. Watching Lance laugh and he peppered the pups with sloppy kisses, he couldn't deny he wasn't jealous.

"Lance, I'm so happy you're awake" "Hey mum. I get the feeling something didn't go according to plan?" Enveloping Lance in a huge hug, his husband melted against her "No. Not quite. You gave us quite the scare" "I kind of figured something might go wrong. Do I want to know the details?" "Probably not. How are you feeling? Are you sore? You were only in there for 12 vargas" "Tired. My omega is a little out of place, but nothing really hurts, I mean it does hurt but not really badly. I'm probably still under the effects of the pain meds and the castle would have healed the damage" "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that" "Where you here the whole time?" "Yes. From the moment we found you were bleeding, until now" "We?" "Keith was the one who found something was wrong" Peaking over Krolia's shoulder, his husband drew his brow "Why was Keith there?" "Because he was worried. He's been bordering on going feral the whole time you were in there" "What? Why?" "Because he loves you. Are you sure you're feeling alright?" "I'm fine Krolia. Just surprised Keith would be there, that's all" "My two sons are such idiots. All married couples fight. You've been worrying about how you hurt Keith and he's been worrying about how he hurt you. I propose you just accept that you worry about each other a lot, and move past it already. You're both so worried that you won't even talk because of it" "That's because..." Lance shook his head "I don't want to fight. I just want to get some sleep" "Keith, why don't you help Lance get cleaned up?" "Krolia, I don't think I can handle being touched by an alpha right now. Even Keith. My omega needs to figure out things" "What kind of things?" "This is going to sound really stupid, but I don't have another way of phrasing it. My womb was damaged, and now it's not. It has to process that, and that I even had surgery in the first place" "I'm sorry, I don't understand" "It ok. It's an omega thing. Basically I need a bit of space right now" "We'll still come down to the nursery with you" "I know I can't stop you guys" "Of course you can't. You've given me at least a hundred new grey hairs since I got here" "Nah. You're hair is still really pretty and shiny. I don't see any more grey hairs than last time" "Hey! What was that!?" "You heard me" "Oh, you are so lucky you're recovering" "And if I wasn't?" "I don't know, but it'd be humiliating" "You're not supposed to humiliate your son" "You're not supposed to point out the grey hair" Lance rolled his eyes with a sigh "Truce?" "For now. Keith, are you coming?" Why was Lance laughing and joking with his mother so easily? And why didn't his mate want to be help by him? He said his omega needed time to adjust, but how much time? "Lance..." Lance turned to look at him properly "Keith" "I'm sorry" Clenching his fists, his stupid tears started all over again "Nooo. Don't cry. I'm ok" "I snapped. You were trying your hardest. You always try your hardest! And I let the frustration of being so sick get the better of me! I'm so sorry" "It was my fault too. I couldn't control my moods and that made you feel like you couldn't talk to me. I was so scared. I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to hurt you. That's why the surgery was so important to me. That's why I had to have it done as soon as possible. I'm not trying to push you away. But right now, my omega is just so messed up. I just need a little time to readjust" "But you feel ok?" "Yeah Keith" Lance gave him a soft smile that melted his heart "Give me a couple of quintants, and I'll be back in Red" He'd rather Lance be back in his arms, where he could cuddle up to his husband and they could make up for the hideous fight they had "Team Klance?" "Team Klance all the way, baby..."

* Leaving with Krolia, Lance actually felt like complete crap. His omega was agitated and confused over the feeling in his lower stomach, and he could both smell and feel the blood clinging to his arse and legs. It must have been bad, but he'd honestly expected it. They were dealing with tissue damaged due to quintessence. It was strange, but he'd never felt more "connected" to his womb than he was right now. His omega didn't like the knowledge that someone had been touching him there, even if it was to make him better. Being the over dramatic diva it usually was, his omega felt like he'd been violated. Deciding it would be a great time to bring up everything that had ever been done to him, and forcing it to play on a loop while it sorted out its own feelings. Now that he and Keith had made up, he just wanted to fall into his husband's arms, but noooo. Things couldn't be that simple.

Walking into the nursery, Lance sighed as he looked around. Apparently even having the smell of Keith around wasn't going to fly with his second dynamic "Lance, do you want me to take the twins?" "Yeah. I really need to shower" "You do. I'm not going to lie, it was bad" "I can feel it. The blood I mean" "When they cut open the scarring, they found necrotic tissue" Lance snorted, he couldn't help it. His first thought at her words was of a lava cake. Hard on the outside and gooey on the inside "Sorry?" "Never mind mum, I was just thinking" Krolia raised an eyebrow, but still took the boys from him "Because of how delicate the area is, and how the damage spread, it was a much more complex procedure than expected. When closing, they must have missed stitching one of incisions or something, as you had a bleed. You also didn't come out from anesthesia on your own" "Oh..." He wanted to make some kind of witty joke about how much he loved sleep, but the conversation had taken such a serious turn "Keith was beside himself. He was more scared than I'd seen him in a long time" "Mum... I thought he didn't want me anymore... not after..." "No. That was just my idiot son not knowing how to tell you he was scared for you. Fear is a funny thing" "So is being driven crazy by your omega. I'm going to take a shower, will you be alright?" "We'll be fine" "After I get out, I'm going to sleep. Can you check in with Keith? He shouldn't be alone" "You shouldn't be alone either" "By the sounds of it, I'm more ok than he is. I need to let the team know to stay away for now. I don't need to go into heat or flip out right now" "You just went through heat" "I know, but they warned me this morning when they were going through potential side effects and things that could go wrong because it's my womb" Krolia pursed her lips "Going through heat is the last thing you need right now" "Yeah. Anyway. A nice long hot shower is calling my name"

Not trusting himself to stand, Lance sat on the floor of the shower as he rubbed himself clean. He didn't know why, but knowing Krolia was on the other side of the door left him heavily embarrassed even though she had no idea he was currently painfully erect, and fingering himself. It'd started as cleaning the blood out, but his omega had decided he needed to slick like crazy, so now he was trying to get off as quickly and quietly as possible. With his legs spread and his feet against the shower wall, he couldn't get his fingers in deep enough and just jerking himself off wasn't enough. Whining needily, he slid his fingers from himself, and moved to grope his left breast. Keith loved his breasts, despite how often he told him to leave him alone, and his mate had unknowingly sensitised them enough that any touch that wasn't their sons lit a fire in his stomach. Moaning as his fingers ghosted over his nipple, the feeling of release finally started to build, his toes curling with pleasure as he palmed himself harder. Pinching hard on his nipple, he was finally granted his release, cumming hard as he slicked even harder, though he immediately felt light headed from a bit too much excitement. Slumping back, he licked his lips as his panted, watching the ribbons of cum along his stomach slowly being destroyed by the droplets of water, before being washed away completely. He really was an emotional mess. His orgasmic high now turning to feelings of being dirty and he definitely couldn't face the team like that... not just naked and sprawled out in the shower, but until his omega sorted itself back out. Disgusted by what he'd done and naked body, Lance pulled himself together and climbed up, rewashing himself down in an attempt to get rid of any traces of arousal in his scent.

From the shower, he stopped long enough to brush his teeth, and sigh at the fact the bathroom had been cleaned while he'd been out of it. Whenever Keith cleaned, the toothbrushes always went from the right side of the mirror to the left, but given they were in the same place, it meant someone else from the team must have. It was a nice gesture, but one he couldn't handle at the moment, and the clean bench made him feel like he was forgetting something important. Opting just to keep the furry feeling in his mouth, Lance padded from the bathroom and straight to the bed "Everything alright?" "Yeah. Just my stupid omega. I really need to sleep" Climbing into bed, Lance pulled the towel off once he safely covered by the blankets. Grabbing his pillow, he spooned around it with a happy sigh "Do you need anything?" "Just a deca-phoebes worth of sleep" "Alright" He jumped as Krolia's lips gently pressed a kiss to his forehead "Get some sleep. I'll take care of the boys" "And Keith... make sure you go see Keith" "I'll go see Keith" "And let the team know to stay away" He sleepily mumbled the words as he nuzzled his pillow, falling asleep in record time as Krolia readjusted his blankets for him. Kissing his forehead again, she smiled warmly at him "Both my sons are idiots, but at least they're good looking idiots. What do you boys say to going and finding daddy?"

* Keith was sitting in the bridge with the rest of the team, nursing his throbbing head as Coran was working on organising their up coming missions, while trying to work around all of Lance's small notes. It was sweet that the man didn't want to disturb them without talking to Lance first, but removing them probably would have made his job a whole lot easier. His husband had taken on a lot of missions while they'd been sick, even missions phoebes in advance. He'd also contacted everyone who'd been affected when he'd had to go collect the herbs for the antidote, and rescheduled most of their missions for later dates.

Groaning as the door opened, and Krolia carried in his crying sons, the alpha forced himself up "It's ok Keith, they're just teething right now and a little cranky. You should be resting" "We were talking about our missions. Lance has so many notes that Coran is trying to work around them" Smiling at Krolia, Allura walked over to her and placed her hand on Kelance's head, the boy immediately grabbing towards her "I think he wants you to hold him" "You don't mind?" "I'm not about to say no to this cute face" Allura lifted Kelance to her shoulder, rubbing the boys small back as she hushed him "How's Lance?" "He's sleeping. He was out the moment his head touched the pillow" "That's good. He needs the rest" "He really does. His scent is so scattered, and his omega isn't making things easy" Keith frowned "What's going on with it?" "Well, they warned him he could go into heat. That's why he wants to keep his distance at the moment, and he's scared" "I should be there with him" "Right now, he just needs to rest. His omega isn't exactly being kind" "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means his emotions are still all over the place, and he just needs a little time to recenter himself. So that means no team visits just yet" Hunk deflated. He'd been waiting for Lance to be up and moving so he could take some food down to him. The kitchen was filled with trays of baked goods, all of which Lance had first dibs on "Hunk, Lance needs this right now. I know you're all worried, but I couldn't smell pain on him when he returned from showering. Just his confusion and frustration" "I know. It was just..." "It was rough. I've filled him, and he knows what's happened. Still, you need to be prepared in case he does go into heat" Keith groaned miserably. He felt to shitty to be taking care of Lance through another heat, and this would be a proper heat "I'm sure we can work something out" "So am I. He was very concerned about Keith, and didn't want him to be alone" "I'm not alone" "Of course you aren't. But it's tough not being with him, isn't it?" "You have no idea. I don't even know if I can keep up with a heat right now" "If his heat hits, we can place him in a pod" "That won't work. I'll end up going into a rut" "If his heat does hit, you can take him down to the house. I'll bring you supplies" "Thanks mum, but Lance doesn't like going near the house" Pidge looked to him in confusion "I thought he liked the house. Hunk and I cleaned it up the other day, for you" "He did like the house, but living there with Shalad made him feel like he wasn't welcome there" Pidge's dramatic sigh pretty much summed up his own feelings on everything "So we're all going to be affected by his heat" "It's only fair. He's had to put up with all your smells" "Mum" "I'm just saying. He's been through a lot" "Yeah. Coran was telling us how many missions he'd taken on while we were sick. No wonder he was hardly home" "Maybe he could use a break?" "What do you mean?" "Well, he could come with me for a while..." "And do what?" "I'm teaching at the moment. He could easily find a role teaching" Allura looked up from Kelance "You're teaching?" "Lotor has made schooling compulsory for the young Galra. I teach fighting basically. But it's a proper school, and Lotor wishes to educate the Galra on other cultures. He could talk about Earth..." "Mum, that's nice and all, but you're not just taking my husband away" "Sorry Krolia, Keith is right. We need him here, especially with Toral" "Yes. I believe I owe her a good slap across the face" "Mum, its ok" "It's hardly ok when my son is poisoned" "We'll deal with it. She's with the Olkari at the moment" "Is that the best idea?" "Are you doubting them?" "No. But if she gets another dumb idea in her head, they could be hurt" "Krolia, I'm sure you must understand. Even if I am not her mother in this reality, I am in another and I must help her" His mother took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she shook her head "Alternate realities are complicated things and things best left alone. For everyone's sake, you should find a way to return her home" "Not until we've talked with her" "Guys, enough. I don't have the strength for this right now" "Krolia, Lance is really ok, isn't he?" "Yes Shiro. He just needs space. Is there anything you guys need?" "Not at the moment Krolia, why don't you take a seat? Or we could all take a break?" "I think Coran is one note away from a mental breakdown" Keith noticed how Coran had started all but pounding down on the console in front of him, and figure that he probably could "Allura's right. Besides, the chairs are better in the lounge room" "I'll just finish this up" "Coran, it can wait"

Moving from bridge to the lounge room, Keith sank into Krolia as he yawned. He could smell Lance on his mother, and his alpha longed to see him. Slinging her arm over his shoulders, she pulled him tight "Lance is just fine, so you can stop glaring at everyone" "I just feel like I should be there, with him" "Lance will let you in when he's ready" "I'm the reason we fought, and he's the one who apologised" "You apologised to him too" "I don't like that he's alone" "It's what he needs right now. Give it a few vargas and then I'll head back down and check in on him" "You should be with him instead of me" "Yet he wanted me to check on you, so here I am. Have you eaten today?" "No. My throat hurts" His mother sighed "Hunk, I don't suppose you happen to have any soup? Or something warm for this one" "Mum..." "Not soup. But I can make some up" "Hunk, ignore her. It's fine" "It's not fine. You all need to eat and keep your strength up, no matter how bad you feel" "We have been eating" "So what's your excuse" "I feel sick" "Who would have thought Keith would such a child when he was sick?" "Shut up, Pidge. You're just as bad" "At least I've been eating" "Lance mentioned how fussy Keith was. I think the soup he has been making was with you in mind" "That sounds like something stupid he would" "There might be some left that we can heat up. I've made bread, so do we just want to have bread and soup for lunch?" "Its more like mid-afternoon than lunch time" "What's that? The sound of Shiro not wanting any" Shiro laughed "I didn't say that" "Hunk, do you want some help?" "No, I'll be fine Krolia. I'll be back in a few doboshes" "Keith, I expect you to finish your whole bowl" "Mum, do you ever get tired of embarrassing me?" "Not really" "Well can you try to limit it?" "What's the matter Keef?" "Not you too..." Pidge poked her tongue out him before beginning to cough "Karma" "Oh shut up" "Krolia, if you don't mind I would love to hear more about this Galra school you're at" "Of course"

Krolia filled Allura in as Keith took his son from her, cuddling him close to him as he kissed his hair, smiling as Laneith grabbed at him "Hey you. Do you miss mummy?" "I think he misses not drooling over everything" Coran wrinkled his nose as he pulled his hankerchief, flicking it, before beginning to wipe at Laneith's drool "Coran, he's a baby. I don't think they feel guilty about gushing drool, especially not when they're cutting teeth" "Allura screamed for vargas when her teeth were coming in" "I'm so relieved we don't have that problem" "Until your wisdom teeth start coming in" Keith ran his tongue over his gums, not sure if they'd already started coming through or not, maybe he'd been lucky and missed it when Honerva had aged them? "I suppose we'll deal with when it happens" "That we will. A good drop of alcohol on those gums would work marvels" "I don't think Lance would approve, but I'll keep it in mind" Coran winked, before turning to look over his shoulder as the door opened "Sorry for the wait! Now, Lance did make the soup, but I can vouch for the bread" Bustling into the room, Hunk placed down the tray he was carrying with a smile. Thick slices of bread smeared with butter were stacked on a smaller plate next to the pot of soup. It was the meaty vegetable one that Lance had last made them, and personally Keith's favourite out of all the ones Lance had experimented with "Is it safe? It's a few movements old now" "Funnily enough, Lance put a whole heap of extra soup away. It's been frozen solid and it's perfectly safe to eat" They'd been eating it well enough when they were sick, so Pidge had no reason to be making fun of Lance's cooking right now.

They were all eating when there was a small knock on the living room door, and a quite "Krolia" came from the other side "Lance, you can come in!" "Not right now... Krolia, can I see you?" "Why didn't Lance just call your communicator?" "I don't know. Sit up, I can't go check on him with you laying on me" "I could come with you" "Keith, you know you can't. Lance wouldn't come up here if he could help it. You guys continue without me" Why did his mum get to go to his mate and not him? It wasn't fair. Leaving his side, Keith let out a huff, he knew everyone at the table was looking at him, while he stared down as his bowl of soup "What do you think this about?" "No idea" "Why would he come all the way up? And wasn't he trying to sleep?" "Maybe he got hungry?" "There's food in both our rooms" "Why do you have food in your room?" "Because Lance made sure we had food and water?" He thought that was the logical leap... so why was Hunk curious? "He also fed the cow, chickens and left food out for Six" "I knew she was looking fatter! She's been acting like she hasn't been fed in movements" "Well she has been. Mum? Is everything alright?" He was sure his mother's smile was slightly forced as she walked over and dropped back down beside him "Everything is fine. Lance received a call from Lotor. Some how word of you all being sick got back to him, and Lotor wanted to know why I didn't let him know about it when I left. He said Lotor tried contacting the castle, but couldn't get through" "But Lance doesn't think he tried, does he?" "No, he doesn't" His mother picked up her spoon, stirring her soup slowly "Mum, there's something else isn't there?" "It's nothing" "Mum?" "I was just thinking about Toral. I would love to talk to her about him" "Lotor is our alli" That wasn't it either. Lance had said something his mother didn't like or something he wasn't going to like. Not comfortable with continuing in down the Lotor line, Allura moved to Lance "So how is Lance? Has he been resting?" "Yes. The call from Lotor woke him, and he's headed back down to his room" Leaning over Krolia's left arm, Keith sniffed at his mother's chest where Lance's scent was strongest "Keith!" "Lance smells scared" "He what?" "Keith, would you please stop sniffing at my chest. Lance is fine" "He doesn't smell fine" "He is fine" "Then why does he smell scared?" "Probably because Lotor called him and woke him up. He's rea..." "Readjusting. Right" "Exactly. Now, he's headed back to bed and I'll head down soon to bring him something to eat. You need to stop worrying so much"

After lunch, the team all split off to rest. His mother forcing him back to his room, while she went to check on Lance. Alone with his sons, he was so tempted to just head to the nursery next door. It was so close, and he could be in there before his mother even realised. But that wasn't what Lance wanted. Instead, he came up with a better idea, remembering Pidge had set Lance's communicator to automatically accept calls from him and Krolia. Opening his, he found Lance and placed the call, switching it to video. Looking at the feed, it took him a moment to realise Lance had put his communicator up near his pillow and all he could actually see was the top of Lance's hair and the tip of a blanket "It's rude to spy on people" Jumping with guilt, he smiled sheepishly as his mother picked up Lance's communicator "I just wanted to see him" "He's sleeping" "I still wanted to see him" Leaning over Lance, his mother tugged the blanket back from his mates face, proving that Lance was indeed asleep "Is he ok?" "He's a little warm. It could be because of the pile of blankets he's hidden under" "He does that. How does he smell?" "Scared. I think he might have had a nightmare, but his breathing is calm, and he doesn't seem distressed now" "He has really bad nightmares" "I know he does" "And if he goes into heat..." "Keith, I know. Now, I'm going to hang up" "Don't... I mean, just..." "Should I prop you up on a pillow or something?" "I just want to be there for him" "And he knows you do" "Just put his communicator on the shelf, that way we'll know if he has a nightmare" His mother grumbled, but still did as he asked, angling it so most of Lance was in the feed "How's that?" "Perfect" "Good, because I'm coming to put you to bed" "Mum" "Nope. You need your sleep, and the boys need their naps" "You didn't come here to put up with us sleeping" "I think I kind of did" "Just get out of there and let him sleep" "Yes, Keith. Ok, Keith. I'll be right there, Keith" Rolling his eyes at his mother's sass, he placed his own communicator on the shelf beside his bed. She was right about the boys needing a nap. They'd both climbed onto him, and now were quite happily drooling on him.