#i remember when i told my therapist
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the julian luthor storyline feels kinda relevant to my life cause when my dad was a child his only sibling died from SIDS and it caused a ripple effect of trauma I don't think we'll ever fully be able to grasp
#i remember when i told my therapist#she was like jesus you should've started with that that explains so much#also not really the same but when I was a newborn my older cousin was caught in my crib standing on my chest TWICE and when asked why#he said#i dont want her around#my dad caught him the second time and i'm kind of surprised he didn't murder him considering#but also my mom just text me saying she thinks he offed her in a jealous rage so maybe he understood#lol#oh what a day#text#ALSO#Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks played today which is always horrifying to hear around my dad#because when I was 3 years old my mom and I would sing it about him#and apparently around him#yeesh#he seems seems to find it funny now#*i drank too much tonight
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Could you write hcs for Nikolai and price with a shy s/o pls & ty
Yeah, of course! Though, I think reader is a bit more anxious than shy in this one, but what is shyness if not anxiety regarding social situations that isn't debilitating? Thanks for requesting!
Price and Nikolai with a Shy!Reader
Price: While I do believe that he thinks shy people aren’t his type, valuing someone who can stand up for themselves, speak their mind and aren’t afraid to be a bit more honest than they maybe should be, the heart chooses who it chooses. He values open and honest communication with his partner more than anything else, but when it seems like you can’t talk to him, no matter how much time he gives you, he rethinks his strategies. Since being stern with you only seems to make you more nervous, more apprehensive, he’d opt for being more gentle, always asking your honest opinion. He might ask further questions, though, if he thinks that the answer he received from you is a bit too short or barely, if at all, reflects what you’re likely thinking and you simply don’t want to hurt his feelings. Sure, he may be a natural leader, so having someone agree with you for once feels good, but having someone give you a piece of their mind, giving you a different point of view so you can see the faults and flaws in your plans, is essential for good workmanship. Price values you and your input, if he has to coax you into giving him a longer, more subjective answer, then he will. A relationship can only really work if both parties are trying to keep it upright in a healthy manner.
While he’ll try to get you to open up in any gentle way he can think of, if the two of you are on an outing, then he’ll speak to the other party for you if you really can’t reply. Price is a good speaker, he knows which words are appropriate in which situation. With his confidence as well, he can cover most conversations for you. However, I can see him trying to make you a part of it anyway, regardless of whether you’re talking to your friend or his working colleague. Being included in a conversation can feel nice, after all. Besides, it might help you in getting out of your shell a bit. Despite absolutely hating making decisions for you, if you really can’t decide on something small, such as which burger to get or whether or not you should buy that lovely sweater, he’ll take the burden off of you if there are people around. But on bigger things that have a greater impact on your life he’ll simply consult you, give you all the potential outcomes he can think of and which effect they may have. It’s not his place to take your life into his hands like that.
Shyness can stem from insecurities, and he can tell when you’re not happy with yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’re beating yourself up over having said something stupid in a conversation earlier that day or if you think you’re not worth listening to or having around, he’ll reassure you that it’s quite alright. Hell, if you’re willing to listen to him, he’s more than happy to tell you an anecdote or two about how he has slipped up when talking to his superiors. It happens to anyone, and by tomorrow that person probably won’t even remember what you said anyway. Unless he had trouble following you or didn’t understand what you meant clearly, Price won’t call you out on not having made complete sense either since he knows you might not take kindly to it, but he’d never make fun of you for misspelling any word, mixing things up or, well, not making sense. Sure, severe misinformation he will correct you on if it can greatly impact something, but not if you have a hard time speaking with correct grammar or pronouncing words perfectly.
Nikolai: Nikolai has met so many people in his life, he can get along just fine with just about anyone, especially because of his relaxed mannerisms. You being shy really isn’t a turn off at all, it can make for amusing scenarios at times. If you get flustered easily he’ll have a field day with that. You start stuttering? You blush? Say some nonsense while your mind is going haywire? That’s so adorable. While he’ll try to not overdo it and keep you comfortable, he does want to have his fun from time to time. If you don’t want to voice your opinion, that’s fine, but he will always ask you for your input. Even if you’re not a fan of saying anything with other people around, if it’s just the two of you, and you’re more willing to talk that way, then he’ll whisk you away. You don’t wanna say what you think in fear of him judging you? He will tell you that it’s alright, regardless of what it is, because truth be told, he’s probably heard far worse things than your opinion on the borschtsch he made. He’s observant enough to know when you’re lying to him in order to not make him mad, but won’t continuously poke and prod at you to have you spill the beans eventually. He’ll ask again once, but if you still won’t budge, then he won’t force anything out of you.
Because of him leading a private military company, he also knows a thing or two about how to engage in a conversation and keep it going for a while. If you want to say something, then you’re more than welcome to do so, but he knows that a shut mouth catches no flies. Yes, he might ask you a thing or two that he might not immediately remember off the top of his head, but if you don’t wanna come out of your shell then he won’t force you to. If you do wanna be more open, however, then it’s different. In that case, he’ll try to include you in the conversations that aren’t too taxing and give you some practice on being more open and social. Like Price, however, he won’t make every decision for you. He doesn’t have the time for that, plus you have enough autonomy like that. However, he is more than happy to call the pizza place you usually order from or tell the waiter at the restaurant what you’d like, that’s not a problem in his eyes. If you find yourself growing increasingly uncomfortable in a situation, Nikolai will get you out of there. He’s just as good at making any conversation end on a pretty good note.
If your shyness stems from insecurities then he, too, will reassure you that you didn’t mess up that badly. No one ever listened to what you had to say? Unless you’re both starting to talk at the same time, he won’t ever interrupt you, giving you his full attention instead. What you say doesn’t make any sense? Mixed up some information? Nikolai might chuckle a bit if you say something along the lines of monkeys liking bananas because they’re both yellow, he’ll gently correct you too, but he won’t be mean about it. Not everyone can remember everything all the time, he forgets things too. Besides, it’s not like he cares all that much. Sure, you said some nonsense, but he can also assure you that he’s heard far worse things. Can and will tell you some anecdotes about what he’s been told as well, there are quite a lot. If you don’t take too kindly to him smiling about something nonsensical, he’ll apologize. Trust me, if you’re upset, he’ll know immediately.
#cod#cod x reader#john price x reader#price x reader#john price#cod nikolai#cod nikolai x reader#i still remember when my mother used to call me an “extremely shy person”#the first time I went to therapy the therapist told my mother and me that it sounded more like pretty bad social anxiety#I still think about that from time to time#so this is sort of based on my experiences with potential social anxiety#because apparently freezing up in fear when talking to a stern stranger apparently isn't normal#though in hindsight I talked to someone who wasn't stern or mean either and I sort of froze up as well#well c'est la vie I suppose
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I know this is from a glorified salt advertisement, but you know what, I did need this today.
#it’s okay that I’m not producing anything#it’s enough to eat a cookie and play a cute video game rn#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#chronic illness#I remember when I got diagnosed in 2008#early early diagnosis#I had gone all the way to mayo clinic in february to get diagnosed#I’d been trying to get diagnosed for about a decade in two states by this point#and many of those doctors had told my parents to take me to a therapist not a doctor#bc sometimes teenage girls are just melodramatic#I’d heard it ALL#all the judgment and blame and accusations#and I get to Mayo#they dx me in like an hour#they give me an info sheet#the first line is THIS IS NOT IN YOUR HEAD#and I remember sitting there in the pediatric ward#and just sobbing my eyes out#you have no idea how much I needed to hear that#and I guess the reminder is still nice sometimes
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hewwoo thanks for tagging me @spook6 <3
Search “my name + core” on pinterest and make a moldboard!
I tag @bringingtherain @timeturner-jay @ha--eul @simofabitch @silverdragonms @ihaveabsolutelynoideas and anyone else who would like to do it
#tag games#tysm <3#I remember checking what “kyoupanncore” threw at me back in August#when you tagged me and it... it dragged me by the throat and told my therapist about it.#anywussy here's mine. lots of bad and sad memes but quite accurate.#It's been a while since I did one of these games so here's a celebratory tagging 6 people instead of the usual 2 lmao#pinterest moodboard
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OH MY GOD I KNEW IT I KNEW IT
#remember when i was going crazy over my brothers gf/ crush whatever#he just came over amd told me she likes taylor and he told her about me#and how he had to tolerate eras tpur movie w me#and she said next time i'll go with her FUCKKK OFFFFF#she likes taylor too#and shes a therapist#oh my god.#and the whole time my brother was telling me he had such a shy smile on his face oh my god#mind you hes 30#OH MY GODDDD DD if he doesn't marry her#and i asked him to ask her what's her favourite album OMGGGGG#yall im so excited i can't tell you. i cannot#i feel like an annoying little sister rn but OH MY GODDRD
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me age seven being sat down in front of the school’s district child psych lady and being given strange, simple spatial puzzles to solve and then long, complicated worksheets and hammering my way through them at the speed of light while having zero comprehension what their purpose was or why i was here: this is urgent! i have to get a good grade in Weird Puzzles, Or Else, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,
#kjalkjsdalkjasdl mrs button was a nice lady but not one adult in my childhood ever seemed to notice what to me now seems like#a pretty obvious case of the autisms#then again maybe they just didn't look as hard unless it was *really* obvious back then . it was like. what. 2000? a couple years later#everybody was talking about autism but not when i was six or seven then it was usually just when it was Very Visible#a couple years later my cousin who's more visibly on the spectrum than me got her diagnosis so young that she's pretty much always had it#which is...well i think it's just made her life difficult in a different way. people underestimate her or don't treat her like she's her age#but then she's always had the opportunity to get accommodations and people are sometimes more forgiving when she can't do something#whereas i got labeled 'kid that should be ahead of the game' from a pretty young age and then when i struggled adults either ignored it#or it was just a huge hassle to them and even i could see it exasperated them to have to work around me#but because mrs button (nice lady but what were you thinking) hadn't told them to treat me like a kid with a developmental disorder#they didn't do that in good OR bad ways . so i never got any accommodations with school stuff i struggled with which was a fair bit#i wasn't supposed to need extra testing time in a quiet room or tutoring with math or help organizing my abysmally scattered things#the only time i DID get that was in sixth grade when i was sort-of friends with this kid jonathan who was Very On The Spectrum#he wasn't really a talker unless it was about whatever he was reading which suited me fine so we just kind of existed in each other's space#and his TSS was this very smart and nice lady who had clearly clocked that Something Was Going On With Me and even though it wasn't like#her JOB she made a little bit of time for me. mostly with emotional stuff (i think i was under the impression she was a therapist?)#but if i had some problem with being unable to keep friends or being frozen out by the kids i wanted to be liked by (happened often)#she'd be able to just like. be there she'd make the time . wish i could remember her name
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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That post that goes "self aware enough to feel yourself starting to downward spiral and self destruct, but too mentally ill and fucked up to stop it
If I'm not making sense for X amount of hours or even days from this point on, this is why
In a way Tumblr is a digital diary for everyone -- literally everyone who uses this site has posted their thoughts at least once. So if you get sick of me, please be comforted to know that youre not actually me and therefore I confidently feel a thousand times worse than you do
#vent post#I should have known that something was creeping up on me subconsciously when I went to one sister's 13th bday dinner and mom asked if I was#making myself throw up again because of my weight worries... in front my 16yo sister 💀💀#I don't post my thoughts on this site a lot and of those I do click ''post'' on are about 5% of all my thoughts ever#there's so much shit I'm stressed over and I've used this site as a distraction...#there's being a Black female facing constant stereotypes in this struggling job economy just trying to get a better job#there's being the eldest daughter and growing up poor and still having parents and relatives who struggle financially#it's my car. it's inflation. it's being surrounded by unhappy people even strangers. it's my roommate drama. it's calling the police. it's#it's needing healthcare because my doctor told me I'm pre- conditions and diseases and shouldn't self medicate anymore but that's expensive#it's seeing homeless people on the street and stressing to not being one of them while remembering when y'all were homeless as a kid#and it's watching the news. needing to support my siblings in college. wanting a load. wanting to move and get a better job but that's mone#it's desperately wanting more storms to happen locally so I can do that temp job that paid a livable wage but was killing me#it's more things going on too and on top of that I lie to my therapist and I don't think my dosage of prozac is working anymore#or maybe and I hope this is just temporary
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I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 😭😭😭 rip
#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you’re really a narc#and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few#minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of#every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no#matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing#out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go#oh ywa. maybe not ?#bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or#using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them#and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love#is Nuturing. yea#AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER#ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 😭😭😭#BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 😭😭😭😭 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭#but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a#narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up#especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy#and also very stupid.#rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get#treated like a freaking mondter from the people you’ve trusted deeply. it does something to you >.>#also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its#going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst#told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and#kind person#alhamdulillah ^-^#kicked out the thought thst i am one *#and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues#(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and#care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago#(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)
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Also guys, if you've sent me something in Discord, I have not seen it. I've had Discord closed for several days now because that app just makes me feel worse when I feel socially withdrawn, and in general I am mostly offline these days (you could tell..) . (I also got like 10 asks about ships....... I will get to them but huge amount of positive engagement makes me feel shy)
#personal#distractions are nice..#it is just.. many things#like i also cut ties with my only irl friend#i told it like it is: negligence constant broken promises and only remembering i exist when all of her-#-'better' friends are busy#like... it became so painfully apparent that she doesn't want me in her life (when with other friends she's every day and-#-posts pictures with them often)#boyfriend too.#you know that situation when you fail to assert yourself as a valuable friend and become the-#-beta friend aka 'therapist friend' that only exists to listen to them vent about their REAL friends?#also ignored calls and me having to send a message like 10 times to get something she promised out of her already...#why i am even elaborating if everyone had this situation at least once?#but cutting someone out of life is always extremely stressful even if that's to the better#i just hate pestering people to give me at least some attention
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Me when I have the annoying shipper autism 😔
#im still so salty with my therapist for not acknowledging I had autism when I brought up the possibility multiple times#and then one day she was like has anyone ever told you you might be autistic#like yes I brought it multiple times before lady!#sometimes when I talk to her it feels like she doesnt even remember who I am#pikmins post#vent
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trauma is so wild like what do you mean it’s been seven years. what do you mean it still makes me sick to my stomach. what do you mean this has forever changed how i view myself and my relationships with others. what do you mean that happened to me. what do you mean i can’t remember it. literally what. what do you mean i can never be normal about this now. what.
#i finally worked up to read the journal entries i wrote about this very specific trauma and i feel sick to my stomach over it#reading it like…that girl i was was real? she was real. i don’t remember her but she is me?#and i can feel myself regressing from it#i’m leaning back on those same coping mechanisms again and it’s…sigh#i just can’t believe it happened to me#and who would i be if that never happened to me?#how do i ever grow past it?#how will i ever be okay? how will i ever fully recover? can i fully recover?#last night was so rough for me when i finished reading those journal entries#i went into some weird manic state where i suddenly had to know everything about me during that time#i downed half a bottle of tequila and tore apart my room to find my old phone so i could read all my old texts from him and everything i#ever told anyone about him#i had to know#and i was listening to the playlist i made about it#it was just ugh#i never really worked through any of this like every therapist i’ve had i’ve skipped over this because i couldn’t face it#and now i want to face it and i don’t have a therapist anymore 🙃#this is entirely my fault for consuming a piece of media i KNEW would be triggering but thought i’d be immune but too bad now im in it#i just wish it never happened#it never should have happened#ugh#sorry#vent post#i’ll probs delete later#but for now i’ll throw it out into the void that is my tumblr feed#trauma
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feeling at peace with decision that I should Probably Find a New Therapist Soon, or at least Stop Seeing This One. Also smiling tranquilly + looking forward to finally transcribing & posting a really hot passage from an essay in this leathersex book I'm reading... probably tomorrow depending on my energy levels. Maybe I don't need therapy right now maybe what I need is to talk about Weird Gay Things with Weird Gay People
#whether or not current therapist would judge me for the Mildest of Weird Gay Stuff is not the hugest problem#the actual problem is that upon reflection i dont think she actually Listens To Me#or even Remembers when i am telling her avout foundational traumas or like. basic facts about myself.#i didnt realize how insane it was that she wrote down somewhere that i was a lesbian when i was 8#(in reality: interpreted as a masculine little girl & 'therefore a lesbian' when i was SIX. & treated with open hatred by adults)#until i mentioned it to max tonite...like that is a fundamentally HUGE misunderstanding#when i've told her multiple times that i've always been & always understood myself as a gay boy. Literal my first conception of my gender#also that sugar daddy comment she made was really inappropriate in several ways ..??!#Anyway.#if it was just a cultural mismatch as different kinds of queer people with wildly different childhoods we could Maybe make it work-#-If She Listened To Me#& i don't think she does.#so that's that i guess#dial p for post
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i don't really care much about all the character polls going on but it is very funny that DIO is losing on round 1* to Marceline on the bi/pan monarch tournament. he deserves it make him lose
EDIT: i checked again it is actually round 2. i can't read apparently. still though he should lose
#rambles#short posts#on the other hand how the hell is jotaro losing to peridot from steven universe on the autism swag poll...#ive seen you guys talk about jotaro he's like an autism icon on here#have to admit i kinda hope twilight sparkle wins in the end though#i remember when i was a little kid and watched mlp (yes i know. i watched mlp as a 7-year-old boy) and kinned twilight sparkle so hard#well. i am not completely sure if i'm autistic or not but i relate to a lot of the symptoms#i kinda have a peer-reviewed neurodivergence thing going on. my ADHD/autistic friends have gone like ''yeah you have something''. lol#i've also talked to a lot of counselors and therapists who've told me they've just gone ahead and assumed i'm neurodivergent... so#i'm kind of in a state where i think it's ok to just assume i have autism/ADHD but#i feel like i have to put up a disclaimer that i'm not diagnosed every time#that went mega off topic so ANYWAYS jotaro win autism swag poll please
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"To be Honest" by Nelle Starling
#I don't think I'm here yet but it's kind of where I want to be#my therapist told me it's healthy to remember the good times when we grieve#even when it comes to relationships#it still hurts to try and practice that#man it's almost been a year already#sometimes it feels like it happened just the other day#don't mind me using Tumblr as a journal#it's therapeutic
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to be honest i still dont know how like. friendships work. but i have friends so thats cool. i like my friends
#musings#i remember when i told my old therapist about how i dont know how friendships work he said#''they can work a lot of different ways'' & i was like. yes. but what ways. how. how am i supposed to be a friend.
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