#i spent over and hour writing all this argh i wanted to get more sleep for once damn it

[solcheeky]

Hii I absolutely loved that one sided love angst with hyuck and was wondering if you’d be willing to write it from the other side with Jeno dating the friend without having feelings for them? I feel like he’d be the type to feel too bad to reject someone he’s close with

summary: all jeno wants to do is keep you happy. so when you ask him to be your boyfriend, he says yes because what else could make you happier? if that’s what you wanted, that’s what he’ll give. even if that means pretending he loves you the way you love him. (3k)

genre: college au!, angst, gn!reader warnings: mentions of drinking alcohol, mentions of sex (but none of it) a/n: thank you for reading the hyuck one! though I can’t lie, it’s sort of difficult to write an exact plot I’ve already written before, sorry!! so I’ve changed things up a bit! but it’s still angst though, and under the same premises :)

“Don’t you think Jeno is a little… Hard to read, sometimes?”

Donghyuck swallows his drink hard, before placing his bottle back onto the picnic table and sending you a weird look.

“Isn’t he your boyfriend?” He scratches behind his ear then pushes up his sunglasses. “Wait, not even. You guys have been friends since… Before we even met. If anyone can read him, that’s you.”

Logically speaking, he was right.

But why didn’t it feel that way at all?

As you try to think of the right words to say, you fiddle with a leaf that had fallen from a branch of the tree hanging above your table.

“Are you guys in a fight or something?” Donghyuck steals back your attention. He had a weirdly calm look on his face for someone who was apparently concerned.

You sigh. Not exactly, “no.”

You weren’t fighting. Or at least, if it was a fight, you couldn’t say exactly when or how it even started.

Things were normal, like how they always were (you think), but there was something off about Jeno you just couldn’t put your finger on.

Except, whether things had only been like this recently, or whether it had been like this ever since you started dating but you’d only noticed now, you couldn’t tell.

It wasn’t that Jeno was directing any anger at you, he hadn’t done anything abrupt or out right mean at all.

If anything, he was doing exactly everything you ask for.

Yet somehow, you felt a sort of… distant from him, like there was a weird shift between your relationship you hadn’t been aware of until it felt too late—like you’d done all the buttons up wrong.

And how were you supposed to even begin to explain all that to Donghyuck if you couldn’t even pinpoint it?

“It’s not a fight,” you opt to say, but it comes out almost like a question. “It’s just-”

“Hey!”

Instinctively, both of you turn to face the direction in which the voice came from.

A few paces away, Mark Lee and your boyfriend were cutting through the grass and heading towards your table, it looked like they had just finished class.

You turn back to Donghyuck before they get within hearing range and mutter, “doesn’t matter.”

Except Donghyuck doesn’t even have time to reply because Mark pushes his shoulder with a strong hand, the other on the strap of his backpack, as he shoves him further down the bench to make space for him to sit.

“Move over!” The familiar, cheerful smile on his face makes you feel like things are back to normal, even just for a brief moment.

“Argh, Mark, seriously.” Donghyuck groans as he pushes his bottle and leather gym satchel across the table with him.

“What?” Mark’s laughing as he shuffles into the bench too, “I can’t sit on that side, can I?” He raises a playful brow at Jeno who was standing on your left.

You look over your shoulder and he smiles down at you.

“Hey,” he reaches down to pat you, palm warmly stroking the curve of your head before leaning down to place a brief kiss into your temple.

“Hi.” You say with a quiet smile as he slips into your side of the bench.

By now, Mark had already taken his attention off Jeno. “Why are you wearing sunglasses? It’s not that sunny.”

Donghyuck scoffs at the elder’s audacity. “The sun is clearly in the sky though, isn’t it? Use that big head of yours.”

But their bickering easily becomes background noise when Jeno gently takes the small leaf you were playing with from between your fingers and spins it between his finger and thumb.

He cutely looks at you in question and you just shrug.

So he flicks it away and slips his hand into yours instead and squeezes.

You squeeze back. “We still on for tonight?” Your voice low lest you interrupt Mark and Donghyuck’s ‘loving’ conversation.

You were planning to sleepover at his—weird to think that it was something you had gone out of your way to schedule but, it was nearing exam season and both your slots for free time had fit together like a box full of the wrong puzzle pieces.

It doesn’t take more than a second for Jeno to reply with a happy, “yes, of course.”

But a lump forms in the back of your throat at the urge to tell him you know he’s forced that answer out.

Later, when it’s already deep into the day, Jeno texts you to let you know he’ll be a little late

Although you kind of wished he’d told you sooner; you were already standing outside of his door.

Your first thought is not to tell him—knowing Jeno, the guilt would drive him crazy—and you probably would have done so that way if you were still friends. But things were different now; you were dating.

You should be comfortable enough to be completely transparent with him, even if about things as small as this.

Plus, he’d probably feel even guiltier if you didn’t tell him.

Except when Jeno does get the text, he feels even worse.

Not just because he’s left you hanging around wasting the rare time you could’ve spent together, but because it was entirely his fault that he was late.

He had managed to get off his lecture earlier than usual which gave him an extra hour to spare before your scheduled arrival time.

Usually that would mean he’d tell you right away so you could push that time earlier to have even longer to spend together.

But he didn’t.

Instead, Jeno wanted something else to occupy his mind other than you.

Was that bad of him? Probably… Maybe—He didn’t want to convince himself anything. As long as you didn’t find out why, everything would stay the same. At least that was what he was convincing himself to think.

So, Jeno was quick to chuck his bag full of study notes by his doorway, pick up some gear and his bike and immediately head out.

Just a few miles, he told himself. Nothing better to clear his mind than a quick workout, right?

Wrong.

You wouldn’t slip from his mind no matter what he tried to do.

All Jeno could think about was how he promised himself he would make this relationship work regardless of whether that meant he had to cross an ocean just to make the you that was in love with him, feel loved.

Inevitably, those thoughts eventually watered down to how bad of a job he’s been doing of it all.

It was probably bad enough he’d just referred to your relationship as a job.

Yeah, alright, this was worse than bad.

It’s just that you were so happy—the face you made when he said yes to being your boyfriend was all he ever wanted for you.

Logically, he thought that keeping things in tandem with what you expressed happiness for, would be enough to see that same smile again.

Jeno held your hand when you wanted it. He kissed you how you liked it. He let you sleep in his bed and sleep with him because that’s what you needed from him.

That’s all he ever wanted for you. So why did it feel like it wasn’t enough?

He was your boyfriend now. Wasn’t that supposed to make it easier?

Not to say that it was hard when you were labelled as friends—just that certain boundaries couldn’t be crossed and there was no way to stop eventualities of you finding someone else that would make you happy.

Jeno didn’t want that; he didn’t want to see you with another person. But the label ‘boyfriend’ on his own forehead almost felt like a burden, even though he knew he loved you. It was all really confusing.

Breaking it down, Jeno knew that you meant a lot to him. Really, he just wanted to give you the love you deserved. So being your boyfriend felt like the right choice, like it was the right thing to do if that’s what it meant to give you all his love.

But somehow becoming the ‘boyfriend’ felt even further away from you than when he was just a ‘friend’.

And at this point, Jeno was too far into this. Spending time with you was great, but it confused him. He had lost what defined the boundaries of how a boyfriend makes one happy, versus a friend.

Sometimes he even thought, what was so good about the label ‘boyfriend’? Was it worth all the things he’s done for you?

He had thought too hard and too much he didn’t even realize how far out he’d cycled; it was so far there was no way he could cycle back the same route in time to meet you.

Dangerously, a small, small, small part of him was glad.

But, no.

Jeno shakes his fringe out of his eyes and pedals faster. Just get home first, he tells himself, he can deal with that thought another time.

When Jeno finally arrives, he’s lugging his bike towards you, sweat dripping down his temples and breath still a few paces behind.

“Sorry,” he manages to breathe out, wiping the sweat across his brow with the back of his wrist before he leans past your frame to unlock his door.

You bite back a bit of a laugh, “you look crazy.”

He lets out a relieved smile and you tip on your toes to press a quick kiss into it.

A surprised sound muffles into your lips when you do, like he was about to say something but you had got to his lips first.

You pull away with a scrunched up face. “Salty.”

That makes him laugh. “Come on then.” He pushes the door open and guides you in first.

After putting away his bike, he shuts the door behind him and chucks his gear away while you place your things onto his desk chair.

“I’m gonna shower first.” He pulls off his gloves and watches as you spin to face him with a small smile.

From anyone else's point of view, you looked fine. You stood tall, a sweet smile across your lips and eyes full of affection for your boyfriend.

But Jeno knew better than that.

He throws his gloves into the hamper and pauses with his hands on the hem of his top. “Want to join?”

Your eyes light up and the heavy guilt on his chest suffocates him a little less.

“Only if you want me to.” You tilt your head to the side. If he was going to be quick, there was no harm in you waiting an extra 10 minutes, sure, you can handle that much.

But Jeno only wanted it because he knew you did. He knew every minute together meant way more to you now that you rarely saw each other.

So he nods his head towards the bathroom door to gesture for you to come, then proceeds to pull his top over his torso.

With Jeno’s shoulders under the showerhead, you keep your arms resting on the dip of his hip bones for warmth.

His own hands are in your hair, fingers gently massaging your scalp and temples, with a cute concentrated look across his face.

“Turn around for me.” He slowly presses a kiss into your forehead and you hum in compliance.

“I can do you instead, you know?” Now that you’re facing the other way you can’t read his face.

His thumbs press into the nape of your neck, following the direction of your spine into your scalp and your shoulders completely lose tension.

Jeno presses his lips into a straight line and hums a comfortable ‘no, it’s okay’. He was fine like this.

“Let me do this for you.” His low voice vibrates a lot closer to your ears than before.

It almost distracts you from your previous thoughts, but his words echo in your mind once more.

‘Let me do this for you.’ You know… That seemed to be all he was doing lately...

Now that you really think about it, you can’t recall Jeno ever doing anything for himself; it was always you before him.

He was always looking out for you—maybe never directly verbal—but he never failed to show how much cared by how much he noticed about you, whether that meant lending you his shoulder on stressful days of work, or for things even just as small as giving you his pen for the day because you forgot yours.

“Jeno?”

“Mhm? Ah!—Too strong?” His fingers come to a stop at the assumption he’s massaging you too hard.

“No,” you take his hand from behind your head and turn around to look at him in the eyes.

Jeno blinks at you in confusion.

Your eyes drop away from his face. “You’d tell me if there was something bothering you, right?”

At first, his brows crease together.

But then he’s laughing, eyes smiling as he calls you cute under his breath whilst releasing the grip of your hand on his wrist and affectionately brushing the bubbles away from the top of your eyebrow with his thumb.

“What are you talking about?” Jeno presses his forehead into yours so you can look at him and see that smile of his you love so much, “Is there something wrong?”

“No…” Not with you. But if there was with him you’d listen.

He presses his lips against yours. “I’m okay if you’re okay.”

Those words were a little tricky.

On the surface, they seemed like a sweet thing to say. Yet you knew it subconsciously meant something deeper.

But, you let it slide just this once.

The next time you’re in his room, it’s a week later and a day earlier than you had previously scheduled.

But instead of cute showers together, you have his heavy arm slung around your shoulder and alcohol breath against your cheek.

“Sorry.” Jeno’s half slurring as he nuzzles into your jaw.

You kick his door closed from behind you and heave his weight against your hip more. “Don’t worry about it.” At least he was sober enough to apologize now.

You had just come back from the bar nearest your campus where Donghyuck was stupidly holding an ‘end of the first exam’ event (A.K.A. any excuse for endless food and rowdy drinking games on a friday night).

Jeno releases his arm from off your shoulder and places a hand on the wall.

“Can you get me some water?” He presses his eyes closed and manages to take a step forward.

You think the cold night walk from the bar had kicked some sense of reality into him. “Yeah, can you manage?” You reach a hand out behind his waist just in case.

But he just hums and slowly continues his way forward with his fingers pinching between his brows.

It was okay if he closed his eyes, he knew his room like the back of his hand anyway.

As you rip open the pack of water by his door and pull a bottle out, Jeno drops his jacket off his arms and onto the floor before he slumps into his bed with a sigh.

By the time you approach his bedside, he’s sprawled out over his duvet with his eyes closed.

You open the bottle for him and he blindly takes it. “You don’t usually drink this much.”

He doesn’t reply.

“Is everything okay?”

Ever since you asked Jeno that question in the shower, he seemed as if he was extra cautious about the things he said. And maybe that was just your own imagination. Or maybe you somewhat wanted him to have a secret. Maybe you subconsciously wanted a reason to justify why he acts the way he does.

Jeno nods as he gingerly lifts his head just to drink some water.

“If there’s something on your mind, you can tell me.” You want to ask for more, but you don’t want to force anything out of him.

Sure, sometimes you might find it hard to discern what exactly goes on inside Jeno’s head. But just because you couldn’t read anything off him, didn’t mean he didn’t have any thoughts.

You at least know him well enough to understand how much goes on inside that selfless head of his, despite his generous puppy smiles and lack of verbalisation.

You know he worries a lot—Less about himself and more so about everyone else around him. So you can’t help but think he’s hiding something. Jeno’s more observant than others think.

With a frown, he reaches up to put the bottle onto his side table with a nod.

Then it clicks.

“Did.. Did I say something?” He leans up on one elbow, voice unintentionally baring a touch of mortification.

“What?—No.” You press a hand into his shoulder to get him to lie down again. “No.” Really, he didn’t. That was the problem.

You push his hair away from his forehead and he sighs sleepily.

Thank god, Jeno thinks. To him, he wasn’t exactly hiding anything from you. He thinks purposely ‘hiding’ something was different to just ‘not saying’ something.

Not that he was trying to get off from this with a technicality. Jeno loved you. He really did.

But somehow this ‘love’ just wasn’t turning out the way he thought it would.

And that was something he needed to figure out for himself.

“You.. You don’t have to know...” Is the last thing he says before he falls asleep.

Did you really mean that little to him?

You thought you could be as reliable to him as he was to you.

Were you just ...not enough?

to be continued...

reply below on this post if you want me to tag you when I post part 2 :)

a/n: I think this could’ve easily been a full prose fic, but,,, I’m lazy,, also I feel like I don’t know jeno’s character well enough to convincingly write about what he’d say, think or do ;/ but anyways! thank you for this request, just the perfect thing to give my brain a break from writing my endless hyuck and mark content

also! disclaimer(?) guys! please don’t do what ‘jeno’ is doing in this fic hahahaha this is setting a bad example of what a relationship and labels could mean! in short, what I wrote about was Damage -100hp and Dumb 500hp lmfao so don’t do it (or more so wish for it👁👁)

but yeah, I’m open to discourse in my ask box as much as I was for the hyuck version of this fic if anyone needs/wants to talk about anything! (I’ll also tag it as #os if anyone wants to filter it out)

scroll through these if you'd like the read the hyuck angst discourse

or read the hyuck version of this fic here!

[bomberqueen17]

yeah

The fucking cat woke me at 3am and I rolled around trying to go back to sleep for an hour but have given up and am working on my writing and oh no i am not doing great at it.

i am so far from finishing anything at all, anything i can publish at all, and i am sad about that, like a lot sad. but. i poured like 12k into a thing that was refusing to cohere, and i got a wonderful person to beta-read it and they were like yup that’s because it’s broken, and i am like this is great now i will fix it, but alas, i am too stupid to fix it, it does not say what i want and i don’t know how to make it actually say what i want, so that’s demoralizing.

until i finish that one, i can’t really begin to work on the other one, because they have to fit together. The other-other one I could probably knock out but while it stands alone, it shouldn’t, so I should wait and re-work it once I have the first one done. but that means there’s another 6k just sitting there unusable, for now. And I did write a fairly good chunk of the bit after the Eskel Sequel, but for pacing and timeline reasons I need to have there be rather a lot more story beforehand, and it doesn’t have to be a lot but it’s got to hold up and it can’t be put in afterward, so that’s another 6k sitting there unusable for now.

and i spent yesterday doing math i’m not qualified to do, and it’s for a project i’m excited about but at this point now i’m feeling like the whole thing is going to be so much money and time and effort and all for just-- me because i want to? that seems like a terrible idea, it’s only me, i can only feel good about projects i do for other people and i can’t bear the thought of other people working on a thing for me and yet i can’t do this without a shitload of help and that’s not like. how i operate, as a person.

BUT anyway

this was going to be a snippet post but as it happens it’s going to be a snippet of a different work entirely. so i should put it in separately. so this is just whining. so i should just delete it because there’s no purpose to it. argh. whatever man this is a journal and if i don’t say what i’m doing then later when i read back over this time period i’ll be like it’s weird that i wasn’t publishing anything what was i doing who knows.

anyway my Achievement this week was that when I inadvertently tripped over my own math trauma and gave myself what I think might have been almost a panic attack at my sister’s kitchen table I managed to swallow that shit back down and I don’t think anyone noticed I’d been crying so I get a gold fucking medal. But it’s been about 14 hours since that and I’m still feeling like I’m made of fucking bone china and I’m sick of this shit.

[imachildprodigy]

Full Moon | r.l

summary: the night of the full moon gets both you and remus worked up.

warnings: none, mentions of cuts, blood, slashes? angsty i guess. reader has lots of anxiety.

notes: this is my first time on tumblr, so please bare with me! i hope you enjoy! :)

The night of the full moon always got you worked up and worried; boyfriend was stuck in a run-down shack, transforming into the shape and mindset of a werewolf. Although your boyfriend always ended up being alright in the end, you hated seeing him laying down in an infirmary bed, with heavy bandages and deep slashes of cuts on him.

The marauders tried their best to help Remus with his transformations, but sometimes it just wasn’t enough. Their animagus forms helped Remus in his wolf form to provide less physical damage; however he would always come back mentally drained and exhausted.

The up-coming full moon was no different. Remus was his usual on-edge self, being more jumpy and fidgety as he normally was when the full moon was this close. During transfiguration, he had knocked over his inkwell three times; causing McGonagall to scold him. James and Sirius looked and Remus worriedly, then to you. “He’ll be fine,” you mouthed, looking back down towards your page.

The final lesson of the day had both you and Remus a wreck. Flitwick has assigned you a ridiculous amount of homework which was to be completed the following day, meaning you had to complete Remus’s homework for him; or kindly ask Lily to complete it. Then, Severus began to rudely ask loudly where Remus got his scars from; despite him already knowing about his furry little problem. You were absolutely furious at the greasy-haired boy, and fired a lip-locking jink towards his direction; which hit him square in the mouth. A weeks worth of detention is what you got, but it was oh so worth it.

During the little amount of time before dinner, Remus was pulling heavy Charms books onto a table in the Gryffindor common room, messily scratching down his essay. You walked up to the light-haired boy, soothingly running your hands over his tense shoulders. “Love, relax. I promise I’ll do it for you,” you whispered into his ear, leaving a light kiss on his cheek. He leaned into your warm soft touch, wanting to stay there forever. “Your too kind. But this is an enormous amount of homework already,” he replies. You spent 15 minutes assuring him that you’d do it for him, and eventually he let you. “Just try to get some rest before dinner, okay?” you tell him, smiling. He nods before heading up towards the dormitories. You slid into the chair he was in before and began writing down his and your essay in neat writing.

Dinner rolled around and it was surprisingly peaceful. You still had yet to finish the homework Flitwick has assigned, however you’d be able to do it later. Remus’s hand was placed on your thigh innocently, squeezing it gently. He was in a deep conversation with Peter about chess, while James and Sirius were discussing tactics for the upcoming Quidditch match. You were talking to Marlene about OWLs, however you couldn’t help but glance back at your boyfriend every few minutes.

At the end of dinner, students began filing up towards their common rooms for the rest of the evening. But you and the Marauders were deliberately staying behind. Once the great hall had mostly been cleared, the five of you stood in the deserted hallway. “Be careful Remus,” you sigh, pulling him into a tight hug. He lifts you up slightly, causing you to giggle. The tall boy lets you down after a while, and begins to walk timidly down the hallway, to the Hospital Wing. “Argh, bend down a little Sirius!” James whispers loudly, as the three marauders struggle to pull the invisibility cloak over themselves. It was hilarious honestly. “We’ll take good care of him, we promise,” Sirius says, before his face disappears behind the dark cloak.

Back at your shared dorm with Lily, Marlene, and Mary you sat down on your bed, staring blankly at you and Remus’s incomplete assignments. Lily was reading some book on Potions, while Mary and Marlene were giggling over something one of them said. You summoned a quill and began to write down the rest of the essay. He’ll be okay. You told yourself over and over again.

As the night progressed on, you watched the bright full moon rise higher into the night sky. You wondered if you listened hard enough, you’d be able to here your boyfriends helpless cries, or loud howls. But you didn’t. Your Charms homework had been completed and you were staring at the ceiling during the early hours of the morning. Mary and Marlene had gone to sleep, however Lily was sitting at the end of your bed, watching your tired body. “He’ll be okay, he always is,” the red head girl reminded you, whispering sweetly. You looked down gratefully at the sweet girl. “I know he’ll be Lily, but I just can’t help but worry for him,” you replied. Lily was the only other girl who knew about Remus’s furry little problem, and you were glad you could trust someone with such information. “Go to sleep Lils. I’ll doze off anyway.” She asked many times are you sure? Do you want me to stay with you? But you just shook your head. Lily smiled sadly at you and crawled into her own bed.

~~~~~~~~~

You woke up with a horrifying shock. A terrible nightmare crept into your thoughts during the night, and you were breaking into into a sweat. Turning around, you watched the clock which read six. Sighing, you laid back down. Remus’s transformation must be over by now. You crawled out of bed; the bed creaking under your weight, and began your normal morning routine. Washing your face, brushing your teeth, and eventually getting dressed in your robes. By the time you came out of the bathroom, Mary was stirring. “Where’re you going?” she asks you, voice thick with sleep. “Ehm, just going for an early breakfast, I’ll see you down there?” she nods dozily, pulling the blanket off her legs.

The hallways were fairly creepy during the early hours of the morning. It was very quiet, and all you could hear was the faint noises of the candles crackling above you. You took the familiar trip to the Hospital Wing, as you always went there for a monthly visit. You’d hope that Remus hadn’t been injured too badly, or slashed up.

Behind the hospital curtains, you could make out three silhouettes looming over Remus. Pulling behind the curtains, you saw him. No bandages at all, no cuts, bruises, or slashes, he was perfectly fine. A sigh of relief washed over you. “He’s fine really. Just a bit tired,” Madam Pomfrey’s voice whispers barley, not wanting to wake up your sleeping boyfriend. “When can he leave?” Sirius asks her, watching Remus. “This afternoon if he likes, but he must go back to his dorm and rest.” You look at the boys with a knowing look, and they laughed. Remus had survived yet another full moon.

[arabellaflynn]

For anyone who didn't catch it on other social media, I have finally moved out of the "temporary" apartment I was stuck in for 7 months, thanks to a lot of emotional and logistical support from friends, and a generous amount of financial support from the folks who gave to my GoFundMe. I am endlessly grateful to all of you, and if I weren't so goddamn tired right now I'd be more eloquent in saying so.

I've spent the past few weeks of unpacking and working out the bus routes around my new place trying to figure out how to explain what was so terrible about the last one. Most attempts devolved into page upon page of rage, which is not really what I want to be doing here. On the other hand, I also don't want to downplay how bad it was. 

Spoiler: The temp apartment was Very Very Bad.

The tl;dr is that I was offered someone's spare room on the condition that I help out a little extra with household chores and caring for their rats, because the pet owning roommate had recently had back surgery and was still mobility-impaired. What actually happened is that as soon as they realized I had any basic life skills whatsofuckingever, I was cornered into becoming the 24/7 on-call House Adult. I would have gone on strike, but the other two people in the apartment were so terrible at coping with absolutely any aspect of being alive that if I had, one or both of them would probably be dead now.

That is not hyperbole. I sat back at one point and realized that I had talked to 911 dispatch five times in the preceding four months. None of those calls were for me. To be clear, I ain't mad about other people having medical problems. All five of those calls were appropriate and necessary uses of emergency services. I just resent the hell out of being the default option for handling all of it, even though none of the medical emergency problems were mine, and there were other people in the house. Literally, Short Roommate had a catastrophic asthma attack one night, and when she was wheezing too hard to talk she passed the phone to Tall Roommate -- who immediately ran to the other end of the apartment, banged on my door, and handed the phone to me. It got to the point where I just told the operator what was up, went downstairs to unlock the door for EMS, stood in the corner answering the occasional question until they hauled someone off to the hospital, and then went right back to bed, because none of this was my problem. And that's just the 911 calls, not even counting the number of times I had to talk her down out of a dissociative episode, or any of the other shit I was not warned about and did not volunteer to do. They wore me down until my only response to "a fellow human can't breathe" is "fuck's sake, why am I even involved here".

They both needed a lot more, and a lot more professional, help than they could possibly have gotten out of a random civilian roommate. They both fought tooth and nail against actually getting any of it. Every time Short Roommate was dragged to the hospital, her discharge papers included a big fat packet full of social services, resources, and business cards for actual physical people to phone. I know this because whenever I cleaned the apartment, I found them on the fucking floor, whereupon I placed them on her fucking keyboard, and told her point-blank to call these people. As far as I know, she never did.

I am neither qualified nor equipped to be a live-in caregiver for anybody. There is a fucking reason I have never wanted children. I keep critters because if you give them food, water, toys, and boxes to sleep in, you can leave them to entertain themselves for hours while you work or sleep, and no one will arrest you.

There was a bunch of other stuff. Tall Roommate rarely if ever cleaned anything, including herself, unless directly ordered to do so and given a detailed list of instructions of what you meant by "clean". I only ever got her to wash her own damn dishes once, and I did it by messaging her from the other room 'I just found a mouse in the sink eating snacks off your dirty plates GO DO YOUR DISHES'. She had a laundry list of problems, but the relevant one here is that she was high-support-needs autistic with no support and zero inclination to find any. 

[Did I mention the mice? We had mice. All over. The rats murdered two of them when they got into the cages, looking for the free-feed bowl.]

Short Roommate clearly loved her rats but didn't actually do any of the rat care beyond petting and playing. One of them was tremendously sick at one point and needed meds q6h. She was supposed to be helping with that and didn't, which meant that I went several weeks on a maximum of six hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. I tore the fuck into her for that one, pointing out in exactly so many words that some of these meds were painkillers and if the rat didn't get them on time HE SUFFERS. Not doing any of the grunt work, Short Roommate evidently thought rats were so easy she should just keep getting more of them! She rescued two, one of whom was preggo, kept several of the babies, and started talking about waiting for one of the girls to grow up so she could breed him with one of her younger boys. 

Gentle Reader, I promise you the only reason I did not strangle her in her sleep that very night was that I knew, deep in my heart, that I could not move the body down two flights of stairs by myself, and if I left it up to Tall Roommate, the corpse would still be in the apartment today.

If I were inclined to any sympathy, it would have died when Short Roommate moved out to shack up with New Boyfriend and New Boyfriend's Mother. She initially took all the rats with her, which made them officially not my problem anymore, but I woke up one morning to a message that said something like "[New Boyfriend's Mother] says that if I show up to our new place with the rats she's not going to let me in, [Tall Roommate] is coming back with all the rats and everything they own". I found out later that this was because their new place was in section 8 housing, where you are not allowed to have pets that aren't service or support animals. Which Short Roommate had known the entire time, and just... made no plans for. At all. Unless "ignore everything until bitchslapped by reality, then panic and make unreasonable demands of other people" counts, I guess.

Eight rats. She dumped eight rats on me. Eight. I wound up taking care of them all without help; Tall Roommate was incapable of keeping anything in her habitat clean, including herself, and I wasn't willing to let her neglect animals. I was actually down to one rat of my own, having lost my two venerable old men, and was looking for a new friend or two for Tseng. Which I had to stop doing, because nine fucking rats is a lot of rats, and I couldn't in good conscience bring Rats nos. 10 & 11 into this shitshow. Naturally, none of the rats got along; two pairs of boys had to be kept apart, and both of them tried to pick fights with poor Tseng, and four of them were girls that had to be kept away from all of the boys for obvious reasons. It was exhausting and a catastrophe.

Once I had the rats she apparently made no further effort to re-home them, although she did keep telling Tall Roommate to come knock on my door and take pictures of them. (I put a stop to this. Tall Roommate did it because Short Roommate had broken up with her to shack up with New Boyfriend, and Tall Roommate had literally no way to cope with this other than try desperately to get her back.) I bugged her to do something about this until, predictably, I had to contact the local rat rescue people to find fosters less than a week before my moving crew was scheduled. When I told her, she replied "oh, I was just about to submit that". Sure you were. And while you're here, I have this nice bridge to sell you.

[The four girls and two youngest boys went to Mainely Rat Rescue. It looks like the boys have already found a home, but the girls are up for adoption. I kept the two old men, who both have special care needs; Garion has breathing problems that involve his own asthma inhaler and a steady diet of NSAIDs, and Errand has attitude problems that involve picking fights with any rat who isn't Garion. They're both just shy of three(!) and unlikely to find homes through a foster program, plus I'm already their third caretaker, so I couldn't send them off with a stranger. They are currently sulking because I wouldn't supplement their dinner with all of my dinner -- which is to say, they're fine.]

The point is, my brain just about died off. The only time in that apartment that I didn't spend cleaning up after three grown adults, two of whom weren't even me, were the weeks after Short Roommate moved out to shack up with New Boyfriend, which she had broken up with Tall Roommate to do, and Tall Roommate took it so badly she ended up inpatient before she ate a bottle of Tylenol. (I called 911 when I overheard her plans. It was about 50% "a fellow human is in need of help" and 50% "argh jesus fuck THIS IS NOT MY JOB please go talk to someone who is actually paid to deal with this".) I am slowly clawing my way back to the surface, so if you'll just bear with me, I'll be back on Twitch this Sunday 3-7 Eastern, and type out more things that have been on hold while I tried to retain at least some of my marbles.

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[more-miserables]

I was blown away by all the support I got for my first fic, which made me a lot more motivated to write another one. This community seems lovely, honestly. Anyway, I was laughing with @cubeswhump about how I barely remember writing this because I started it once I’d taken my pills that make me super drowsy, so let’s see where this goes, I guess.

Tagging @albino-whumpee (thank you, by the way, I was so happy someone wanted to be tagged, I never had a taglist before).

Warnings for dehumanizing language, institutionalized slavery, boxboy universe, implications of past self-harm, implied sexual abuse, implications of drugging, lots of messed up stuff, you guys know.

I’m grateful, I’m grateful, I’m grateful. Ginger gabbled it over and over in his head all day. I’m grateful as he spent hours scrubbing the entire house from top to bottom, knees rubbed raw and back aching. Of course, Mr Stanley wasn’t up to deep cleaning, but Ivy could’ve got off her lazy behind to - ow ow OW, okay, that’s bad. He didn’t really mind the cleaning so much. It meant he could move around a lot, stopped him getting bored and twitchy. They’d sedated him a lot in training, until he shook and retched without it regularly, but it still didn’t make him stand still. He was like a restless pony, Yates said.

Ginger missed Yates a lot.

Yates spent almost all day upstairs with Stanley. He wasn’t completely paralysed, and could stagger about slowly with a walker, but he got tired so easily that he mostly ordered Yates to push him around all over, help him in and out of bed or his stair lift, or guide him to the bathroom. Yates spooned the food into Stanley’s mouth if his hands were too shaky; he stripped the soiled sheets and tucked fresh ones in with exceptional precision; he cleaned all manner of bodily fluids without complaint. Yates was busy busy busy all day, standing at the ready for any requests. A perfect pet.

Ginger didn’t go to Stanley’s room much. He knew Stanley didn’t like to look at him more than he could help it. And honestly, though he knew it was bad, Ginger didn’t like to see how Stanley treated Yates either. He always wanted to touch him, holding him too close and hugging too tight, then barking irritably that Yates shouldn’t neglect his duties. It didn’t seem fair, when Yates wouldn’t dream of shoving Stanley away. Every so often, Ginger would get a flash of mad desire to grab Yates by the hand and run with him, on and on until they were far away - but Stanley had threatened him with a shock collar if he tried to escape. Ginger remembered those awful things from training. The thought alone made him shake violently.

Ginger brought Stanley his three meals on a tray each day, but that was all. He looked forward to those fleeting visits because he could see Yates, even for just a minute. He felt the knot in his chest unravel when he locked eyes with Yates across the room.

Stanley narrowed his eyes at Ginger one day, rapping his spoon on the edge of his soup bowl. “You only ever smile at him.” He pointed the spoon in Yates’s direction, dripping soup down his plaid pyjamas.

Ginger blinked. “I hadn’t noticed, Mr Stanley. I apologise.” He quickly smiled at his owner too.

He must’ve looked too smug. He must’ve sounded patronising. He should’ve smiled at his owner in the first place, Mr Stanley had every right to be mad.

The bowl hit Ginger on the temple, shattering and spilling scalding soup down his left cheek. The impact knocked him to the floor, and he landed on top of the broken bowl. He felt shards pierce his soft palms and bit hard on his lip to stop the screams. He had a sudden flash of memory, of a little red-headed boy being whipped around and slapped by a cold, cruel hand - then blinding pain behind his eyes wiped the image away as he tried not to pass out. No. That’s a bad memory. You’re doing everything wrong today.

His stomach twisted and he coughed, trying hard not to bring up his meagre breakfast across Stanley’s floor. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, his cheek - and the calm came back. “It’s okay,” Yates whispered. “Don’t fight it. Let the memory pass.”

“Get away from Yates, you insolent brat!” Stanley bellowed. “Stop putting on this act! I barely touched you.” He threw the spoon too, and it bounced off Ginger’s forehead surprisingly painfully. He supposed operating a wheelchair meant Stanley had developed strong arms. “I don’t need your smiles! And neither does Yates. You bring the food and you clean the house. That’s all. Don’t even look at me.”

Ginger knelt and put his palms and forehead to the floor. “Yes, Mr Stanley. I’m sorry, Mr Stanley.” Lick your soup off the floor then, you stuck up fuc- OW, no, I’m sorry, that was terribly bad.

“So you should be. Now get out. Don’t even think about treating that cut on your head either. It serves you right,” Stanley said icily.

“Yes, Mr Stanley,” Ginger said, making sure his voice was monotone now. I’m grateful. I’m grateful. I’m sure I’m grateful. This was good for me. I was bad. This makes me good. I’m grateful grateful grateful.

Ivy was in the kitchen when Ginger went downstairs, blood trickling down his cheek. His burned cheek throbbed and it was difficult to make fists without hissing in pain. He picked the bigger shards of glass out of his palms while Ivy watched in amusement.

“Set him off, did you? Yes, well, I’d get used to it if I were you. Stanley has a filthy temper and he plays favourites, that’s how he is. It used to be his own boy, my Timothy, but now he’s dead and gone,” she said airily.

What’re you doing here then? No, stop, that’s none of your business. Why can’t you ever shut up? Ginger decided not to risk offending anyone else, so he went to wash the dishes in silence. The soapy water hurt his hands horribly, but at least they were getting cleaned.

“Roll your sleeves down!” Ivy snapped, making Ginger jump.

“I’m going to wash up, Mrs Ivy. They’ll get wet.”

“I don’t care. Roll them down now, I can’t bear to see those awful scars,” Ivy insisted. “What happened to you? Did you fight a tiger?” She laughed harshly.

“I don’t remember, Mrs Ivy, but I would assume not,” Ginger said solemnly.

“Well, I don’t want to see them. Sleeves down.”

Ginger sighed and did as he was told. His sleeves were soon sodden, sticky and uncomfortable against his skin. He’d have a rash by the end of the day. That’s your fault. You’re ugly. Ivy had bought him a muddy-brown, long-sleeved shirt, and demanded he wear it every single day. It even had a little hole on each cuff to hook his thumbs through, so the sleeves couldn’t ever ride up and show off those unsightly scars.

It was a good idea. Those scars are disgusting. Ivy said scars are disgusting. Ivy is right. The owners and their families are always right.

Ginger worked through his afternoon chores, periodically wiping streaks of blood out of his face with his special long sleeves. His hands burned, his cheek blistered, his head throbbed along with his heartbeat and he felt queasy, but he didn’t stop his scrubbing. He really didn’t want any more discipline. It’d be okay as soon as night came.

Night brought peace; night brought Yates.

Ginger was so glad they had to stay tethered at night. It was just like training (though that hurt to remember) when they spent every hour of every day together. Ginger doubted he could ever sleep alone now. He was accustomed to the little snuffling noises Yates made when he dreamed, and Yates told him he talked in his sleep. Ginger didn’t ask what he said; he was a little bit scared of the answer. He could barely guard his tongue when he was conscious.

Ginger got to their little mattress first that night. He often did, as Stanley liked Yates to settle him down for the night first before he was allowed to go do the same. Ivy looked in on them before she retired, letting Yates lock their collars together. She seemed to dislike touching them. Her discipline was always carried out with something long like a cane, so she could stay as far away as possible.

When she finally left, closing and locking the door behind her, they could be them again - Ginger and Yates, One and Two, together. Yates cupped Ginger’s face in his hands, wincing with him. His fingers gently probed the gash on Ginger’s head in the darkness.

“The bleeding stopped. I have antiseptic for Mr Stanley, I’ll get you some tomorrow. Somehow,” Yates whispered.

“Don’t. I don’t want you getting disciplined,” Ginger said quickly. “The burn hurt more, but I can still see perfectly. It doesn’t matter if I scar, does it?”

“It matters to me,” Yates whispered.

Ginger smiled weakly. “I’m fine, really. Mr Stanley had to discipline me. What’s he like to you, anyway? Is he still friendly?”

“Oh yes, he’s very kind,” Yates said, almost automatically. “He talks a lot, holding onto me. I like to listen. But I wish he was kinder to you.” That was probably the most rebellious thing Ginger ever heard Yates say, so he was rather touched.

“Mn.” Ginger let his aching head rest on Yates’s shoulder, relaxing further when he felt Yates’s fingers running gently through his hair. It was getting long now, coming to his shoulders, still sticking up all over the place. Stanley hated it at first, and had made Ginger get into position two every morning while he slapped half a tube of gel in it to make it lay flat, but he’d long since given up now.

“Sometimes I wish it was just you and me, Yates,” Ginger muttered.

“Ginger, don’t!”

“Argh!” Ginger tensed all over, fingers balling in and out of fists, eventually tangling up in his hair and pulling hard. It felt like his head was going to split open. “No no no, stop it stop it stop it make it stop Two please...”

You’re BAD, you’re broken, you’re going to be sent back and you’ll never see Yates again!

There were arms around Ginger, rocking with the tremors of his body. “Shh, One, breathe. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. You didn’t mean it, yeah?” Yates was staring at him imploringly. Ginger’s heart thumped with love for him. He was giving Ginger a way out.

“Yeah, I didn’t,” Ginger gasped, and the terrible splitting headache faded. He deflated with relief and exhaustion, shaking all over.

Yates carefully eased him back onto the mattress, cuddling up behind Ginger and wrapping his arms around the bigger boy’s waist. It was more practical to sleep so close with their chained collars, but they’d long since accepted that it was more a comfort thing.

“We’re going to be so happy here,” Yates whispered, his breath tickling against Ginger’s ear. “You were so brave today. I know how hard you’re working.”

Yates was the only one who ever praised Ginger. And Ginger didn’t even care, because he knew it was only Yates’s praise that he needed. Nobody else mattered.

Except. Your. OWNER.

Expect Mr Stanley. Of course.

[bave-de-crapaud]

Forbidden

PART FOUR - FINAL PART

Sirius x reader Post-azkaban Sirius Lives Word count: 7900+

Warnings: swearing, smut, 18+ NSFW Disclaimer: all characters are assumed 18+

A/N: WOWEE! Apologies if you were expecting a ‘quick’ read. I loved writing this and workplace romances gahhh! as always feedback is most welcome. I hope you enjoy my loves. xx

A workplace romance cannot possibly go awry, can it?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next few weeks followed a similar pattern for you and Sirius. You both acted polite and professionally towards each other at work, saving all your pent up frustration for the evenings.  

It was glorious. Sirius was not as disciplined as you at keeping his hands to himself. He was often stealing kisses behind closed doors, letting his fingers brush across your arms, waist, arse, whatever he could reach as he passed you in the corridor even circling your thighs with his thumb under the table as you were seated next to each other in a meeting.  

You were fairly ‘harsh’ on him regarding these indiscretions, saving his punishments for the evening by teasing him relentlessly and holding out until you literally had him on his knees begging.  

You had a sneaking suspicion that he quietly enjoyed this due to the fact these ‘punishments’ did not stop him pushing boundaries at work.  

~~~  

Things at work weren’t all rosy however. Antheia was getting suspicious. You never had time after work anymore and she was closing in to the fact you must be dating someone. She was also complaining that Sirius always seemed to choose you to to come to first for questions, issues, PR briefs even though you had requested he do the opposite.  

You almost told her countless times, always faltering at the final moment. It had gone too far and nothing you thought could soften the blow that you were sleeping with Sirius.  

Truth be told you weren’t only sleeping with him, you had been on dinner dates, weekend activities and spent a few Saturday nights getting to know his friends.  

However hiding the truth from Antheia was eating you up. It all came to a head one evening at your flat. The guilt had turned to anger at yourself and with no one to take your anger out on you turned to the nearest person: Sirius.  

It was a stupid argument, the catalyst: his toothbrush. You found it in your bathroom and realised he must have brought it intending to leave it here.  

Filled with mixed emotions of longing and turmoil at what was essentially turning into a forbidden relationship you picked a fight, did your best at pushing him away suggesting things were moving too fast and you think you should slow down and see other people, Antheia being the subtext of that argument. It was an avalanche of irrationality. It started small but the more you got going the bigger your argument became until you couldn’t see what you were saying or what it meant – you were blind to your pain and just wanted it out.  

“What do you mean?” Sirius had sat up, stiff backed and turned white.  

“I don’t know!” You huffed out. “I mean you are still free to see other people, this can’t last whatever it is – we are just work colleagues after all.” You could see that had stung him.  

“Just work colleagues? If this is about the toothbrush I can remove it?”

“No it’s not about the stupid toothbrush!” You were in full flight now – tears streaming down your cheeks, he tried to reach you but you shook him off.  

“This fucking hurts Sirius.”

“What does, I don’t understand?”

“You, me, us! We are not supposed to be together!”

“What, why?

You were shaking with sobs now. You couldn’t tell him why - the karma of hiding this from your friend had finally turned up and it was a big one. Anguished and thinking of Antheia you yelled, “I wasn’t supposed to be with you, I have ruined everything!”

Blanching and swallowing  hard Sirius scrapped together the only conclusion that made sense to him, “Is there someone else?”

Technically there was: Antheia but not in the way he was thinking however you nodded sadly not registering that colossal mistake.  

“Right.” He said his lips tight.  

Waiting for a berating you deserved you closed your eyes. Instead Sirius got up walked out the front door slamming it shut. You heard the roar of his motorbike as he sped off into the night.  

~~~  

You didn’t sleep a lot over the next few weeks, and from the looks Antheia gave you across the board room table each morning, your heavy concealer was not doing anything to dampen the dark circles under your eyes.

It was killing you to stay away from him and stomach this hurt but part of you knew that this is what you deserved for getting into a forbidden situation.  

To dilute the pain you focused on work , turning up early after not enough sleep and staying late. Your boss was delighted but stopped by your desk more than necessary for ‘a quick chat’ you knew she had noticed your change in demeanour  and was checking up on you. This would have made you smile if you weren’t so numb.  

“Y/N?” She cautiously approached your desk. You looked up and saw her eyes, a maternal concern in them. “Not that I’m not grateful for all the long hours you are putting in but I seem to be missing some reports for the Auror office?”

“Oh.” You stumbled. “Those are with Antheia, I gave her the briefs I had in exchange for finishing the budgeting quarter.”

“Got it, but now that you have finished the budget could you please help Perenna with the Auror briefs? They have been piling up this week.”

Oh shit.  

“Yes sure, happy to.” You gave her an exhausted smile.  

You stood up. Ok. It’s ok you can do this. Yes you have probably, definitely, irreparably broken any kind of friendship, camaraderie, or rapport with Sirius but you had to put work first. You couldn’t very well get a new job, could you? Or could you? No! No, don’t be dramatic.  

You were brought out of your inner monologue by Antheia calling your name, “Y/N! Guess what?!”

“Shoot.” Feigning interest you turned to her.  

“I’m going out for drinks with Sirius tonight!” She looked ecstatic.  

Your stomach dropped to the floor and you were barely able to squeak out an “Oh…ok you are… that’s…great…”

She shook your shoulder too excited to see the blood draining from your face.  

“Yes I took the bull by the horns and asked him.”

“Oh you did? I thought you wanted to play it coy?” You needed to sit down soon.  

“I did but if I don’t go for it I will never have the chance, he’s cutting his contract short – just heard it from Moody this morning.”

Ok you really needed to sit down.  

“He’s what??” Feeling the room spin now.

Oh no no no no no was this because of you?

~Yes of course stupid! What else would it be?~  

Your conscience was really not holding back.

“Yeah Moody tried to talk him out of it, has asked him to take the weekend to think it over.” She gave you a soft smile and moved over to her desk.  

Before you could control it, your legs were walking you towards the elevator and your fingers were pushing the buttons directing the lift to Sirius’ floor.  

The Sirius you know wouldn’t give up so easily but then again, he did have a dramatic streak. You had only found that out during one of the weekends you met his friends and a tipsy Remus Lupin had told you what he was like when he lost any kind of card game. Wanting to see this for yourself, the next day you suggested a game of poker and boy the man could pout!

His office door was open and he was sitting at his desk reading a memo. You knocked and he looked up. His expression was unreadable – he didn’t invite you in let alone utter a greeting so you hesitantly entered, moving tentatively towards his desk.  

“I heard you are leaving.” Breaking the silence you stood before him willing him to speak.  

He nodded so quickly, if you had blinked you would have missed it.  

“I hope that is not because of me, Sirius?”

He said nothing and continued to stare at you.  

“Because if it is, I think I need to tell you something…” oh how to even begin. You stared at the floor and when he didn’t tell you to leave you took that as a sign to continue.  

“I am so sorry if I disappointed you…no I know I did – you don’t deserve it – I definitely do….and being with you had been the best months of my life. You really, you made me… no make me…” you collected yourself clearing your throat to stop your cracking voice and corrected yourself.

“You make me…” Argh, you closed your eyes hating the words for making you stumble.  

“But I shouldn’t have…it wasn’t right – not you!” You hastily added. “You were so right but it was killing me.”

“Because you are seeing someone else, I get it.” Sirius had finally spoken and his voice was soft and clear.  

“What? No!” You so desperately wanted him to understand but for all the wrong you had felt you had done to Antheia you couldn’t and wouldn’t break at least one promise to her by telling Sirius she likes him.  

“I’m not seeing anyone else.”

He looked genuinely very confused at this point. “But you said there was someone else?” Sirius’ voice was rushed now, he had stood up behind his desk and looked at you intently, eyebrows furrowed. God he was sexy when he was stern.  

“There is but not in the way you are thinking.” You ran your hands through your hair in frustration. Why? WHY! You should have told Antheia all along and save yourself, but mainly him, from this torture.  

“Y/N, I’m not here to play games, are you or are you not seeing someone?” Sirius had moved round his desk towards you.  

“No…but I” But you never finished your sentence. A piercing alarm went off signalling an emergency situation and all Aurors needed to move and be briefed.  

Sirius gave you one last look before shaking his head and saying: “I can’t, I’ve got to go.”

Holding back tears you nodded swallowing a sob.  

~~~  

“AH FUCK IT!” Antheia was fuming when you returned to your office.  

“Typical! I finally get a date with Sirius and suddenly a dragon gets loose in Shoreditch dragging all the Aurors away!” If you weren’t so upset you would have laughed at her enraged face.  

“A dragon? Surely that’s Magi-Creatures department?” You questioned.  

“It is but the Aurors have to go check for foul play.”

“How do you know this anyway?” You asked her.  

Strangely, Antheia blushed before answering. “Melvin told me, he just sent a message – he was there before dealing with a mishap – apparently that’s how the dragon got out.”

“What’s going on with you two?”

“Well nothing, we have caught up a few times and I guess we talk a lot…he’s nice.”

You looked at her, “then why do you want to go out with Sirius, sounds like you have a dreamboat already?”

She looked down at her desk and shrugged. “ I don’t know, I’ve lusted over Sirius since Christmas I guess, before I met Melvin, I didn’t really think about it.”

You sighed smiling at her, “Well, lucky you having two men to choose from.”

Antheia frowned at you. “Aren’t you dating someone?”

“No, no one.” You responded sadly.  

“You’ve been MIA of late, I thought you were seeing someone?”

You just smiled weakly at her,  turning back to your desk and said over your shoulder: “Don’t worry, you’ll still have your date – I’ll take care of any PR situation for today.” Godric, it was the least you could do you thought to yourself.  

~~~  

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“Mmfph.” You rolled over in your sleep.  

BANG! BANG! BANG!

It was getting louder. You rubbed your eyes and looked at the clock: 1230am

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Someone was knocking, none too gently, on your front door.

“I’m coming! I’m COMING ahhh.” You yelled as you fumbled around in the dark looking for clothes. Since you and Sirius had started to sleep in the nude, you continued to do so liking how the sheets felt over your skin.  

Stubbing your toe twice and hitting your head on the bed post you managed to pull on an over-sized shirt of sorts as you made your way downstairs to the front door.  

It had occurred to you that the bagging could be from burglars or bad wizards but what kind of thieves or nefarious characters announce themselves before they rob you? Curiosity got the better of you and rubbing your sore head you opened the door to see Sirius, clearly drunk, leaning against the doorway, his hand steadying him.  

Seeing you he moved his hand to your shoulder shifting you aside as he stumbled into your flat.

“Wherrriss he?” He slurred.

“Where is who?” Fuck he was drunk.  

“Your ‘fancy man!’” He said the words ‘fancy man’ in a high pitched Victorian accent before hiccuping twice.  

“Sirius What?” You held your hands out to try and steady him but he pushed you away and made to move upstairs.  

“I wanna word.”

“Sirius, there is no one here!”

“Yiss theris look! You’re even wearing hisss SHIRT!” He yelled the last word while making a swiping gesture at the air in front of you and stumbling back into the banister then trying to find the start of the staircase.  

“Oh Merlin…” You palmed your face, trying to reason with a drunk person was a nightmare you best just follow him and try to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.  

“C’mere!” Sirius was climbing the stairs two at a time looking like a baby gazelle. If you weren’t so shocked at his sudden appearance you would have found the sight of Sirius Black casing your flat, pissed as a fart, looking for a mystery man rather funny.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on a date with Antheia?” You called out after him following his route into the bathroom.  

“Don’t change the subject!” Sirius called back, looking around finding the bathroom empty and moving towards your bedroom. He burst through the door and yelled ‘Expelliarmus!’ at your bed.  

Turning on the light you folded your arms leaning against the door while you waited for his eyes to adjust to the brightness. “When you have finished disarming my bed, can you please sit down? I’m worried you are going to fall over and hurt yourself..or worse, break something of mine…”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” He deadpanned “there is s’mone here, you’re wearing hisss shirt. Wherisss ‘he?’” Sirius sat, unceremoniously, on your bed looking up at you.  

“Ok first of all, you and I are the only ones here, this is YOUR shirt – you must have left it here, and ‘he’ is nowhere because he doesn’t exist.” You paused looking at Sirius’ softening expression. “I meant what I said, I am not and have not been seeing anyone else but you.”

Sirius screwed up his face like the act of thinking was painful.  

“But then why did you break up with me?”  

As soon as he said that you realised that clearly, whatever it was between you and Sirius was more important to him than you originally thought.  

“It hurt, it hurt so fucking much Y/N!”

You sat next to him and rubbed his back. You were just starting to understand that you had kept the wrong secret and not told the correct one. Taking a deep breath you turned his face towards you and said: “I didn’t do it because I wanted to Sirius, I did it because I am a terrible friend.”

Seeing him open his mouth to query you, you pressed on, “Antheia Sirius, Antheia! She has gone on about how much she likes you basically since you arrived. I was supposed to help her date you, instead…” you swallowed. “Instead I fell for you and dated you myself.” Looking down you clasped your hands together. “I couldn’t take it anymore- things were starting to get serious and I panicked. The guilt flooded in and I felt so wretched. I’m so sorry for hurting you – I understand if you never want to see me again but please don’t leave work, you are so good at what you do and you have made it better for all of us. If it’s that bad I’ll ask to move departments.” You looked at him frantically, willing him to understand.  

Sirius’ face had not changed from that of shocked confusion since you had started talking. Now you had stopped and looked at him he opened his mouth to speak.

“Y/N?”

“Yes Sirius.”

“Y/N…I” he lifted his hand to reach for you, then dropped it adding “Y/N I think I need to lie down.”

You sighed helping him on the bed. You removed his shoes and placed your duvet over him. Turning off the light you climbed in beside him and closed your eyes. It had felt good to let all that had eaten you up out. Wondering foolishly if adding the part about falling for Sirius was a mistake, you listened to Sirius’ drunken snores, doubting if he would remember anything in the morning.

~~~  

When you woke the memory of last night and Sirius’ visit came crashing down. You turned over quietly so as not to wake him only to find the other side of the bed empty. On further inspection he was not in the bathroom nor in any other room of the flat. No note, just emptiness that the lack of his presence caused.  

You wandered aimlessly around you flat for the next hour –  too early to get ready for work and too late to go back to sleep.  

You wondered what Sirius was thinking; was he embarrassed about his outburst or just disgusted at finding himself in your bed? Did he remember anything? Not paying attention to how you were dressing yourself you half heartedly made an effort to finally get ready for work not distinguishing clothing items as you dragged them over your body. You were focusing on what you had to do – finish the confessions of last night and tell Antheia.

~~~  

“Antheia, can I have a word please?”

She looked up at you as you stood in front of her desk. “Yes sure…are you ok?”

“Just come with me.” You turned and led her towards the supply closet at the end of the hallway. Opening the door you gestured for her to follow you.  

“Y/N I repeat, are you ok? I’m only asking this because you look like you haven’t slept in eight years, you’ve just lead me to the stationery closet and you are wearing two shirts.”

“Ah shit.” You replied noticing she was right – two items of the same piece of clothing was becoming a trend for you.  

“I got dressed in the dark, there are no meeting rooms free, no I’m not ok and I don’t want anyone to overhear us.” You pinched your nose between your fingers and took a deep breath.

“Antheia, I have been seeing Sirius, it started a few months ago when we went home together after the Christmas party. I tried not to get involved but I did and I couldn’t tell you.”

Antheia lifted her eyebrows her mouth opening slightly.

You bulldozed on wanting to get the confession out of you like spitting poison, not stopping to let her speak. You told her everything right down to the part where you expected her to disown you and how truly awful you feel. “I fought against it since you told me you were interested and I was doing well until well that night then it sort of snowballed. I’m so sorry – for what it’s worth, I haven’t ever felt this bad.”

Antheia considered you for a moment. “I know.”

“You..What?” You spluttered, appalled.

“I mean, I figured. The way he looks at you and last night, our ‘date’” She signed quotation marks with her hands as you rushed, “oh my gosh yes, you had a date – listen I won’t stand in the way -I hope you can be happy and have fun…” She silenced you, waving her hands in front of your face in a ‘shushing’ gesture.

“As I was saying our ‘date’ he mainly talked about you. It was clear he is into you…if not love.”

“I’m so sorry Antheia, I ruined your date, I know you were looking forward to this.” You started to silently cry. Antheia’s face softened and she placed a hand on your shoulder.  

“Y/N, you had every right to like him but you should have told me, I went on about him and now I feel a fool.” She shook her head. “If you had told me I could have figured out sooner that the spark wasn’t there between Sirius and I…maybe I could have perused other interests.” Her eyes glazed over at this point until you sniffed bringing her back to the reality of you both standing quite close in a small store cupboard at work.

“It’s ok.” She looked at your tear stained face, “I will get over this but I may be a little annoyed for a while – you really should have just told me.” You nodded dropping your head.

“Is there anything else? I have a coffee date ahhh meeting with Melvin.” She corrected herself and blushed quickly opening the door and stepping back into the hallway.

You knew Antheia, she didn’t hold grudges but you could tell she was disappointed in you – that stung far more and you had half hoped for an angry outburst.  

Wiping your face, you brushed the front of your two shirts smoothing them out as an act of collecting yourself to head back to work.

Antheia turned back to you and caught your wrist. “For what it’s worth I think you should see Sirius, he really likes you. Drinks a bit though?” She hummed curiously before striding off.  

~~~  

“He’s not here.” Moody abruptly told you when you found Sirius’ office empty, moving to Moody’s to ask where he was.  

“Well right, I did work that part out Madeye. Judging by his empty office. When will he be in?” You smiled sweetly and a little dangerously at Moody subtly telling him not to fuck with you today. Moody eyed you for a brief second then said, “he won’t be, called in sick.” Before swiftly turning away leaving you confused and slightly panicked alone on the second floor corridor.

Your mind worked in overdrive: -no no no he can’t leave this is your fault -did Moody say he was leaving though or just not in today -he has until Monday to decide -has he decided already and written his job off? -no he is hungover, remember -but he can take a draught for that -what if he’s mortally injured? -then he wouldn’t be calling in sick would he? -well then why…?  

Your whole body sagged as the awful and most likely reason zinged through your brain: he just doesn’t want to see you.

The day moved on so slowly it was almost If the clock was in slow motion. You had performed all of your assignments, tripping through meetings, breaks, and tasks on auto pilot. All with one confused dilemma bouncing around your head: You needed to see Sirius, but you were sure he didn’t want to see you.  

By the time the clock finally hit 5pm you were out of the office like a shot, dodging colleagues and questions of Friday night pints as you raced out the door and onto the street. Too bad if Sirius didn’t want to see you, you wanted to explain how much he meant to you and how idiotic you had been so at least he didn’t leave his contract thinking you were someone you were not. Hopefully he would hear you out.

You had decided to call round to his house and ask to see him knowing that if Sirius refused to come to the door, Remus who was staying with him as he did once every month, would.

Remus indeed answered the door, appearing with a pallid complexion causing you to wince at his obvious illness. “Hi Remus, how are you? You look….well…” you trailed off.  

He smiled kindly, “nice to see you, Y/N what can I do for you?”

“I’ve come to speak with Sirius, May I?” You pointed inside; wordlessly asking entry to the house.

“I’m afraid he’s not here.” Remus looked at you with a strange expression, was it pity? You looked away before it could fully form on his face not wanting to break down in front of him.

Oh. So he didn’t want to speak with you.  

You dropped your head for the second time that day, nodding slowly and turning to leave. Before you had taken a step, Remus added “he mentioned something about visiting a haunt from last night.” Remus winked at your hopeful expression. You replied a quick thanks before rushing off.  

Which bar was Sirius at last night? Antheia had asked him so perhaps she had suggested the bar? You knew of three favourite watering holes of hers and set off to the first as fast as you could.

After several hours of aparating to every possible establishment Antheia could have taken him too last night with no luck you trudged slowly home. It was dark, cold, and you were near starving having not eaten all day.

Shoulders drooping slowly with no energy to apparate inside your flat you dragged your feet around the corner of your street and headed towards home.

As you lifted your head, nearing your house, street lamps illuminating only a few metres in front of you, you saw a figure sitting on your stoop watching you.

Hand on your wand you drew nearer, eyes adjusting to the sight you stopped and your breathing hitched.

There, sitting patiently in his black leather jacket was Sirius Black.

“Hullo Y/N.” Your legs had moved of their own accord again, you stood before him taking in his features as he stood drawing up his full height: his dark wavy hair, grey penetrating eyes, stubble rough on his sharp jaw, chest hair peeking out from his shirt which was undone quite low for an autumn night. Tight jeans shaping his athletic legs…realising you were literally looking him up and down you blushed, forming words of hopefully a greeting, “Sirius…I..I’ve been looking all over for you. Remus said you were…” his smile took you off guard, “I know, he sent me a message – he’s too cryptic sometimes he knew I was here.” He continued to look at you waiting for you to speak.

You had spent the entire day overrun with things you wanted to tell Sirius but at the moment he stood before you, everything shed from your mind and you continued to stare at his beautiful form.

Finally mustering some sort of cognitive control you muttered, “you weren’t at work today?”

“Ah yeah.” He ran his hands through his hair looking bashful. “I wasn’t feeling great and Remus had a bit of a bad night, I wasn’t there for him and he needed some help. He actually ended up helping me.”  

“Oh.” You replied eloquently.  

You both stared at each other again.

Sirius broke the silence, “what did you want to tell me?”

What you were going to say to Sirius was to explain again now he was sober, why you behaved that way you did that night. At best you hoped for Sirius to know how wonderful he is and how much he deserved. At worst, well that didn’t bear thinking about, but now him looking at you intently with his beautiful face captured in the moonlight, lips drawing you in you could only stare at him in awe. However a thought had just occurred to you: “why are you here?”

“You went looking for me everywhere to ask me why am I here?” He looked slightly amused at your confused expression.

“No I wanted to tell you, to explain to you that…well…I need you to know that…I love you.”

His eyebrows almost disappeared into his hairline as he opened his mouth in shock.

“No, wait, what?!” You were scrambling.  

What the actual fuck! After hours of going over everything you wanted to say to him you went with: I love you???

Your brain was smoking, you love him? Well sure you admire him, he’s kind and clever and funny, the best shag you’ve ever had but love him? Well of course you only want to see him happy but that’s normal right? And ultimately he has made you the happiest you’d been in a long time and you couldn’t picture your future without a Sirius figure popping up…ahhh. Yep love. Great.  

“You love me?” Sirius whispered.  

Bloody heck, timing Y/N! “Yeah about that, look can we go inside please and I’ll explain?” You didn’t give him a chance to answer, and swiftly moved past him opening your front door and crossing the threshold before he had even turned around.  

You decided to stand in the kitchen fumbling with cups and a kettle.

“Y/N” Sirius called softly moving slowly towards you,

“Tea?” Not looking at him you switched the kettle on and searched for tea bags in your kitchen cupboards.

“Y/N.” He was right behind you now. You dropped your hands and let him steer your shoulders, turning you round to face him.

You stole a glance at him. He was looking at you so tenderly, a look that held compassion and kindness deep in his gaze. He opened his mouth to speak but you deftly pressed a finger to his lips halting his speech.

“Don’t.” You couldn’t take the rejection right now. Not before he knew how sorry you were for this whole mess. “Don’t speak, I know.”

“You know?” He muffled onto your finger. The vibration of his voice and friction on your skin from his stubble opened a flood gate in your nether regions which were obviously not picking up the severity of this situation.  

“I know you don’t feel the same. You can’t possibly! I have caused too much turmoil already.” You took a deep breath.

“You told me last night I hurt you and I am so sorry for that. I didn’t think you would be hurt and I certainly never assumed you would want to leave your job. I have admired you from a far ever since we met. I never imagined that you could possibly have any interest in me so I kept my feelings hidden. By the time you did, Antheia had talked my ear off about you and you were essentially forbidden, but I kept going because I started falling for you. I fell hard and when I thought about the future everything exploded, I didn’t want to start a relationship lying to you or my friend…it felt wrong and I thought the only way was to end it but you have left a gaping whole in my life and it hurts every time I move…I mean” You screwed up your eyes in pain. You didn’t want to guilt him into loving you. “…no I It doesn’t matter how I feel argh all I want you to know is that you are the most amazing, loving, incredible man, you changed my life and I will always be so grateful to have known you.” Exhaling with the effort it took to try and coerce your feelings into any semblance of meaning.

Sirius had not looked away during your admittance and he didn’t now. The seconds ticking as the silence grew was palpable.

You allowed yourself to search his eyes and found a multitude of emotions swirling: fear, surprise, lust, surety.

You had dropped your hand from his lips during your speech and in an absent-minded way lain it against his chest.

“You want me to go?” It was a question, he asked as he cupped your hand in his own holding it in place, not letting it move from his chest.

“No! No Sirius not at all, unless you want to?” He shook his head.

“I came here to apologise for my behaviour last night.” He paused looking at you. “I thought about apologising this morning but I couldn’t bear facing you so I left as soon as the dawn appeared.”

“Sirius do you remember what we talked about”

“I do.”

“So you are aware that there isn’t  and never was another man, just you…and I guess Antheia who I was referring to.”

“Yes. I am sorry for barging in. I don’t know what came over me.” He gave a side smile at this.  

“It’s fine, I deserved it.”

“You really believe that don’t you?” He asked concerned.

You didn’t reply, just nodded tears forming in your eyes.

“Ok, come with me.” Sirius took your hand and rushed out the door.

“Sirius, where are we going?”

“Last night I accepted a date with Antheia but I was not on my best behaviour…I drank too much as you soon found out.” You smiled at this remembering him attempting to climb your stairs.

“I was still upset with you and wanted to drown my sorrows. It wasn’t fair on Antheia but I don’t think she really cared.”

“What do you mean?”

“Apparate us to Antheia’s house and I’ll tell you.”

“What?”

“Come on.” He nudged you playfully. “I don’t know the address so hurry up!”

Nothing but the twinkle in his eye could have convinced you – it was addicting and right now you would do just about anything to keep it sparkling.

Appearing with a pop on Antheia’s doorstep you watched Sirius walk towards the door and knock loudly.

There was movement inside and some scrambling before Antheia opened her door looking startled. “Y/N! Sirius! Ah how can I help?”

“Y/N here still feels compelled to get you and I together even though I told her our date didn’t go well.”

What the fuck was Sirius saying?

Antheia laughed and replied “Y/N I told you today that it’s fine, I’m a big girl, you can stop punishing yourself over this if you are.” You shook your head sadly and she continued.  “You are not a bad person just be open about it – and be honest with your feelings and your friends. You know for a communications executive you aren’t very good at communicating!” She laughed at you opening and closing your mouth at this jab.  

“But you’re…” your thought had died in your mind as you became distracted at movement inside Antheia’s flat. “…you’re not alone?” Looking at Antheia fully you just realised she was wearing little clothing, a mere tee shirt over bare legs on a cool April evening.  

Antheia rolled her eyes and opened the door wider to reveal another scantily clad person.  “Melvin!” You yelled in surprise.  

“Hi Y/N, Sirius.” blushing red, Melvin moved out of sight and you looked back at Antheia.

“Yes Y/N my date didn’t go well with Sirius because I actually didn’t have feelings for him, I like Melvin – it took for our date for me to realise that and now, we’ll I don’t intend to hold back.”

Sirius chuckled and winked at Antheia.

“Ok Y/N, Sirius it’s been lovely but I have to go now, I’m…busy.”

Laughing at your perplexed face she added: “I can see this is going to take some time. We’ll talk about it Monday morning Y/N – you’re buying the coffee Ok?”

You nodded eagerly as Antheia returned Sirius’ wink and gave you a genuine smile before closing the door.

You turned to Sirius, “you knew Melvin was there? How?”  

Sirius chuckled again, grabbing your arm and disapparating you back to your living room. “Lucky guess- last night I mentioned I had seen her with Melvin a few times, she blushed so red I almost asked her if she was choking! It only took a bit of prodding from there for her to start realising her feelings for him are real and for me just a self made ideal. She seemed excited at the prospect of telling him this the next day: today.”

He looked at you intently.

“You see that’s what has happened on all of my dates after Azkaban. Everyone was expecting the idea of the me they made up in their head, no one took the time to see the reality inside and couldn’t understand when they didn’t feel the spark.” He paused and ran his finger down your cheek. “It was different with you, you see me the real me and still stick around. That’s why I decided not to give up on you even when I thought you were with someone else.”

“What are you saying Sirius?” Feeling lighter that you had in months, hope lifted its head in your mind and created flickering waves of shocks rooting you in place unable to look away from him.

“I’m saying I think I love you too, or at the very least am truly. Madly. Deeply. Falling for you.” He punctuated each word with a kiss on your cheek, neck, and jawline as he removed your coat.

Eyelids threatening to flutter shut in divine bliss and happiness at his words, it took great effort to keep them open to smile at him, cheekily saying,” I think those are song lyrics, Sirius!”

“Bugger.” He breathed. “Here I was thinking that was so smooth.” He had taken your waist in his hands and dropped more kisses on your collarbone and shoulder. You tilted your head allowing him more access as the kisses turned to licks and bites.  

Your response to his words was a loving, slow moan and he smiled into your neck uttering, “I’ll just have to prove how smooth I am in another way.”

He ran his hand down your stomach and moved it under your shirts faltering only for a split second as he noticed the double layer then shaking it from his mind. Softly stroking your abdomen, he undid your pants and inched his hand lower and lower until it came into contact with your clit. Hearing your sharp intake of breath, he circled the sensitive bead with his thumb as he pressed his middle finger against your perineum sliding it forward into you and back.  

“Fuck Sirius!” You gasped. How did he hit the right buttons every time? He quickened his pace biting your neck in the process then licking the spot he bit.  

“Godric Y/N, how are you so wet for me?” He moaned into your neck.  

Feeling alive at his touch you purred, “Oh Sirius, trust me it is never dry when you are around.”

He growled removing his hand picking  you up and placing you on the kitchen table as he feverishly devoured your mouth. Hungry, panting kisses, tongues swirling while his hands worked quickly taking off every piece of clothing in sight; yours and his.  

He gripped you to him like you were his life raft and he was a drowning man, lost at sea.

Your hands ran all over him, tracing his pectorals, his muscled biceps, scars and lines as you explored him dropping your hands down to feel his erection; hard as a rock and already dripping with desire.

He let out a sharp hiss as you took him in your hand and began to massage slowly along his shaft.

“Two can play that game, Y/N.” He growled looking at you before reaching down and resuming his touch on your clit, adding a long finger inside you and curling it at just the right angle. “God you are beautiful.” He was one had holding your waist, the other quickly bringing you to the brink. He twitched every now and then as your hand on his cock was revving him up in the most incredibly way.

You noticed he was holding himself back. You had had enough experience with Sirius to tell. He was teasing you, torturing you slowly. He had twice now got you to the edge of orgasm only to stop his movements on your clit to pause and kiss you or flick your nipples with his tongue. The third time he did this you caught a mysterious glint in his eye and he couldn’t quite suppress a tell tale smirk. He was ruining you and enjoying every second of it. A sweet, excruciating punishment perhaps for time spent apart.

You loved it when he did this. When he took control, he was a natural dominant and you were only too happy to play subservient, especially when his role sent you to heaven and back often three times a night.

But tonight, you decided, was the night to turn this arrangement on its head.

“Stop!” You cried.

Sirius let go of your nipple from between his teeth, looking up at you with concern.

“Y/N is everything alright?”

“No Sirius! But it will be if you follow me.” The dominant tone in your voice got his attention but before he could say anything you took his hand, placed it firmly on your arse and squeezed it forcing him to grip you painfully. Merlin, it felt good.

“I want you to stop teasing me or I will make this very very hard for you.” You firmly gripped his cock as you said this and it throbbed beautifully.

“What do you want me to do?” Sirius’ voice came out as a rasp and looking into his eyes you could see the pupils dilate until his eyes were almost black with desire.

“I want you to take me right here, right now. I want to feel you deep inside me as I know only you can go. I want to rock against you as you fill me up taking every inch of me with you and I want you to come inside me as you scream my name.”

If there was any grey left  in his eyes it was gone now, they had blown dark with incredible desire. Sirius had always relished being loved by women but never had someone nearly made him come with just words. He so rarely was not in control during sex and the fact that you were reducing him to a dripping, shaking mess was thrilling.

Giving him a helpful nudge you guided him by his cock closer to you, tilting your hips upwards. His actions were instant; the hand gripping your arse pulled you to the edge of the table and your folds to the tip of his cock which was aching.

Leaning up to lick his earlobe you whispered: “now fuck me, Sirius.”

He slammed into you, gripping both you and the table for resistance.

“Oh fuck!”

You loved the exquisite feeling of Sirius being inside you, the way he pumped in and out, touching you everywhere and completely satisfying you.

When he wasn’t kissing you sloppily he was panting in your ear telling you how tight you were, how good you felt, and how much he missed you.

“I missed you too Sirius, oh Godric you feel good!” You clenched your walls around him as he thrust, rocking back matching his rhythm. “Yes keep doing that, right there!” He was hitting a spot that was building inside of you. Growing stronger and stronger, higher and higher until…

“OH FUCK! SIRIUS!” You came, sparks flashing in front of you as you clung to him experiencing a climax that wasn’t stopping. “Oh God, Sirius it’s still going…” knowing how your pleasure turns him on and that this might push him over the edge too, you kept talking, your words barely distinguishable amongst a nonsense of moans until he heard you say: “please come for me Sirius, I love it when you come.” Hearing your voice seductively encouraging him mixed with the motions of your body, and your mouth on his neck threw him over the edge. He gripped your body, causing what you were sure would be delicious marks on your skin.  He couldn’t hold you close enough when he stilled inside you yelling your name as he came.

He was still coming seconds later when you clenched, tightening your walls around his cock causing him to jolt, groan, and bite your neck as the last spurts of his come stopped.

He stayed there, biting and kissing your neck, hands still clutching you as he rocked slightly inside of you before pulling out.

Panting heavily, not trusting your legs to hold you up, you stayed seated on the table. Sirius had his head resting on your shoulder, arms propping  him up either side of you as he shook away the spots dancing in front of his eyes.

Breathing slowly coming back he looked up at you, your glistening forehead, chest rising and falling with every pant, you looked like a dream.

“Y/N, that was…Oh wow…it was…”

“Fuck!” You exhaled.

“Yes!” He laughed, straightening up and only wobbling slightly.

He took your hand and you jumped off the table as he pulled you to him. Holding you tightly and kissing your head.

You were both still standing like that several minutes later and would have continued to do so had your leg not started to cramp.

Breaking apart and rubbing your thigh you announced: “I need tea, Sirius tea?”

“Sure.” He walked slowly around the room picking up various items of clothing until he found his jeans and shirt popping them on.

Excusing yourself to the bathroom you returned in new underwear and a tee shirt to find him splayed out on your couch, two teas on the coffee table, hot and steaming.

Looking at the strip of abdomen visible as his shirt rode up and following that to the obvious bulge in his pants you licked your lips. God! You had just had sex, mind blowing sex and here you were still longing for the man.

He noticed and smirked, “like what you see Y/N?”

“You know it.” You winked at him, grabbing a tea and situating yourself half on his lap and half on the couch. “If you lose the pants and shirt I could possibly be persuaded to letting you stay the night!”

He laughed, sat up and placed his arms around you kissing you deeply before looking at you and clearing his throat.

“I meant what I said Y/N, I am falling for you,  if I haven’t already. It wasn’t said to make you feel better, I really meant it.”

You stroked his hair. “I know and I meant what I said, I love you. It feels good to say how I feel so I’m not taking it back. Hmmm…” You sipped your tea, contemplating, “being open when you are scared of the reaction is actually quite liberating.”  

“Mmmm you should do it more!” Sirius teased you.

“Well Ok then…” you also cleared your throat: “Sirius, that was the best sex of my life and I would quite like it to happen again and again for the foreseeable future as well as seeing you, but first…” there was a knock at the door. “Excellent timing, first we need to eat so I ordered us some food.”

A huge grin broke out on Sirius’ face as he watched you get up and make your way to the door, “Oh Merlin Y/N, if I didn’t love you before this would do it!”

You laughed as you opened the door and accepted the order, not noticing you were still in your underwear and giving the delivery man an indecent view.

You were so happy however that even if you had noticed, you wouldn’t have cared.

---

Tag list: @evyiione @belladonnarey @virgilwrites @emmamass24 @sirius-lysad @riddikuluslypotter @mylovelykelsifer @sly-vixen-up2nogood @ashkuuuu

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The Flower Shop Around The Corner (II)

Part 2 : Ray Of Sunshine

 Here is the second part of my cute series for Chris Evans! For now, all things are a little chaotic. But hey, you know me… it's still cute :)

Hope you all like it!

Gif not mine

Word Count : 2000

How could anyone be that annoying?

HOW?!

It was beyond comprehension.

And the worst part was that everyone else seemed to love him. When you? You were starting to seriously hate him.

Hate may have been a strong word but he was just… so… argh!

There were no words that came to your mind. What was beyond absolutely annoyed?

Not that he was a total jerk, and that was the worst part, what annoyed you the most. Because you couldn’t just blame the fact that he was evil, as he wasn’t evil at all. There was just something about him that went on your nerves. Perhaps it was the tiny crooked smile that never left his lips, or the way he laughed so dramatically and… actually you could make an entire essay on how his bloody laugh annoyed you. The way he always threw his whole body around, you thought he would fall off his chair everytime. And the way he always grabbed his chest, why did he do that? Was he afraid to lose a boob laughing? And how loud he was and the jokes, for goodness sake, how old was he? Five? And whenever you wanted to actually work, he was always joking around and you could never focus and you were so infuriated and…

Just the thought made your heart rush in your chest with anger, and you had to take a deep breath to calm down. There was nothing you could do about Chris Evans. He was your coworker, and that was it. How could you play a romantic comedy with him though? For now, you seemed able to fool your director and he seemed satisfied with your work. You hadn’t had to kiss him yet though.

Urgh… the mere thought was disgusting.

You were halfway through the project and you really didn’t know how you could finish it. You knew you had to, you just didn’t know how.

You kicked an imaginary can as you walked through the sunny street, your hands in the pockets of your jeans and your face turned towards the sky. Summer lingered on through the weeks of August, even if September would soon spread its chilly breeze. It was still early in the morning, but the streets, as usual, were filled with hurrying strangers. Shops were getting ready to open, the rhythm of the town still a little lazier than what it commonly was.

The front of the flower shop appeared by your side, your feet guiding you to the quiet and colourful place without you even noticing. It was a ritual by now. Every morning, before heading to work, you spent a few minutes at the flower shop to get your letter.

A smile formed on your lips at the mere thought, and through the street coloured in gold by the early sun, all thoughts of your colleague disappeared. Instead, they were replaced by this delightful feeling of calm and joy that never failed to cross your heart at the thought of the letters you received every day.

After giving back his wallet to this stranger, you had, for some unknown reason, listened to the florist and came back the next day. And he had indeed left you another note. So you replied. And he replied back… and on and on the notes turned into letters and now every morning you got a letter from him and left your answer for him to find in the evening. It had been going on for weeks now, through the whole summer actually. And it was your favourite thing in New York now.

Why had it turned so important to you? Perhaps it was the mere thrill of writing to a perfect stranger. After all, you had never met, you had no idea how old he was or what he looked like, you didn’t even know clearly what was his job. You didn’t even know his name. He always signed his letters by The Wallet Guy, and you signed with The Peonies Girl. And that was enough. For now at least, it was.

In contrast, you were talking about more intimate things that you would have done with even your friends. It was the final proof that sometimes, it was easier to speak to a perfect stranger than to your dearest friend. You just needed to find the right ear to whisper to. And you found it in the Wallet Guy, clearly.

You knocked on the glass door of the flower shop. It was too early for the store to be open, but it had never been an issue. The merry owner always let you in, excited to play her part in this game between two strangers.

A game… it was turning into much more than a mere game for you though. After all, you were so fond of this new friend of yours. He was charming, funny, delicate, such a good listener and adviser, grounded, fragile…

With a snort, you thought he was quite the opposite to your colleague.

But you pushed the thought of Chris away once more, and instead, knocked on the front door for Carlotta to unlock the door.

As she did everyday, she opened the door with a grin and invited you inside.

She didn’t lose any time, and reached on the counter to collect the red envelope your stranger had left for you. Upon the crimson paper, the words Peonies Girl were traced in a tiny and nervous handwriting that by now you could have recognized anywhere.

"He rewrote it three times. Three times!" Carlotta excitedly told you.

You leaned against the wooden counter and tore the envelope open without further wasted moment, but you couldn’t refrain the shy smile her remark brought to your lips.

You had barely read a couple of words that you felt all your worries vanish, and your shy smile widened and turned into a bright one.

 Dear Peony,

 I like this nickname of yours. It suits you well. It breathes summer warmth and a soft joy that turns people peaceful.

I understand how it feels to miss home. I’m not so far from Boston and yet I would do anything to go there and have a meal on Sunday with all my family. Even my dog misses it. I can see it. No, of course I am not simply using him as an ally just to prove a point. He really misses it. He told me this very morning.

I’m sorry to hear that you are having troubles with your colleague. But we all have people around us we don’t get along with. Just… try not to punch him, would you? Besides, who knows, perhaps he’s not as bad as he seems. Perhaps it just takes a little time for the two of you to get to know each other. As a proof, a colleague of mine said today that I was childish and unprofessional. Now, to a certain extent I wouldn’t care, but I don’t know why her words really went straight to my heart. I don’t know why I care so much, we don’t even like each other, quite the opposite, actually. A little bit like you and your own colleague, I guess. But coming from her it felt painful. Perhaps it’s because she is talented. I don’t think I’ll understand this reaction of mine. Perhaps it’s just my brain making too many thoughts again. I have to admit that I'm quite stressed these days, and I struggle a little more than usual with my own thoughts.

The news this morning have me horrified. Once more, I know, and one might think that by now I’m used to it, but far from it. I reckon my last tweet pissed off a few of our idiotic president's followers. I couldn’t be happier.

It’s late already, and I pity this poor Carlotta for keeping her store open so late at night simply for me to write to you. I try to hurry as I put my words on the page, but then I only end up starting all over again, unsatisfied. I don’t know why I want so badly to express my thoughts the right way with you. But after all, reading your letter every evening is probably the brightest moment of my day, I merely hope that my messages reach your heart the same way yours reach mine.

 All yours,

 The Wallet Guy.

 You folded back the letter with a grin. You hadn’t even noticed it, but on the counter by your side, Carlotta had put down a cup of hot coffee, a pen, a few sheets of paper and a blue envelope. She was leaning on the other side of the counter and watching you with eyes full of mischief.

"So?" she asked with a crooked smile.

"So… nothing… unusual…" you spoke softly, but the bright smile on your face was giving it all away.

"Oh, come on! Give me something!"

You rolled your eyes.

"So… he was very sweet," you answered with a dreamy smile lingering on your lips.

She let out a strange noise between a squeal and a giggle, and went back to tend to her flowers with an excited look on her face.

Meanwhile, you drank a gulp of the warm beverage, picked up the pen, and began to write back.

———————————–

 Chris was exhausted. No matter how many cups of coffee he drank up, he couldn’t wipe away the fatigue that drowned him. Long hours of work were a part of the reason. The rest was his friends deciding to drop by and spend the night drinking and laughing with him. He still had a headache, that the mere three hours of sleep he had managed to grab had not been able to diminish.

The second he saw you, he felt his whole body tensing. You had a dreamy smile on your lips, and he wondered where the gesture came from. It was on your features every morning, and would slowly wane as the hours flew away and the sun up there travelled across the sky to sink in the Hudson River.

He welcomed you with a forced smile as you sat down by his side in the chair marked with your name, waiting for the scene to start, and he recognized the faked gesture on your lips as well. A polite but frozen curve traced on your lips that matched his.

For a moment, you remained motionless, sitting side by side but separated by a world of thoughts. All around, people hurried back and forth, from cameramen to make up artists, getting ready to start shooting the new scenes.

"You look terrible," you blurted out in an innocent voice.

"Thank you," he sighed.

"Will you be up for today?"

"Doubting my professionalism again, I see…"

You didn't know if he was joking or not. You preferred to keep your reaction cautious and didn't reply anything.

"Don't worry, a little lack of sleep won't stop me from learning my lines," he went on. "But I reckon that a little party once in a while would do you good."

You glared at him.

"I was just kidding," he defended himself, but you were far from convinced.

In fact, you were angry already. What was the point in a remark like that? His tone sounded innocent, but you failed to see if he was really joking or not.

"I'm not as boring as you might think," you mumbled in an annoyed tone.

He heaved a sigh.

"I never said you were boring. You simply have no sense of humour whatsoever."

"Or perhaps you're just not funny."

He shook his head, and there was an expression on his face suddenly, that was almost close to guilt.

"That was a little mean."

"No more than usual," you shrugged.

"Why do you enjoy getting on my nerves like that?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

You were relieved as you were called for your first scene of the day.

"Lucky we are to have only a few weeks left and then we can stay as far from each other as we can."

"What a bliss that will be, I can't wait."

"So… back at politely hating each other."

"I reckon it's for the best."

Chris remained silent for a short moment, before getting up as well and following you across the large hall to reach the set where an office had been built.

"That's a shame, really. I'm sure we could have been friends."

"Friends?" you laughed at him. "I don't think so."

"If you weren't so uptight…"

"And if you weren't so childish… But we're not living in a fairytale, and you can't get alone with everyone you meet."

He nodded before asking you if you wanted to talk about the scene. A voice polite and rather cold for him. Neutral. It was the best he could do.

Why couldn’t the two of you get along, he didn't really know. He couldn't say that you were a bad person, you just seemed so annoyed by him. And he was annoyed by you. He liked professionalism, but he also liked to joke around, and you seemed immune to his humour. You seemed kinder than you behaved around him.

A pity, but he guessed you were right. Sometimes, people just didn't like each other. At least, not under these circumstances.

*****************************

Tag list : @ponycake27 @horsesreign @xinyourdreamsx @jbluevelvet @notkeppeki @daynigt-dreamer-stuff @fudgeflyss @stuckupstucky @snek-shit @suchatinyinfinity @i-padfootblack-things @theonelittleone @bookgirlunicorn @madamrogers @marvelcapsicle

[ibatronic]

Still Alive...

BEFORE YOU READ!

The following does get really personal, so please read (if you so choose) with an open heart and genuine sense of compassion and sensitivity. It's also many things I've wanted to get off my chest for ages. The following will also explain my mood in the past two journals I made. It does end on a lighter note, I promise.

It's been ages since I've posted anything online, let alone anything here... Remember months ago, when I had posted a journal about the slump I was feeling and then posted an artwork of me… slump drawing? There’s more beyond me simply losing motivation to make more art. And a few of you might have noticed I posted a rather… shocking status update in which I threatened suicide. Following that post, a lot of the unpleasant feelings and thoughts that I believed were gone came back to haunt me. Additionally, many things in my past came back to haunt me, prompting me to go soul searching and try to better myself.

For those not in-the-know, I have been suffering from clinical and manic depression for about the past 6 years. Speaking in real-life timeline, back in the 6 years, I remember that it started with my severe trouble making friends, communicating with others socially, and trying to fit in with others. My depression wasn’t just caused by my low turnout in the friends department, but also because I'd never truly felt loved by anyone… not even myself. As I grew up, I had no friends all throughout middle school and no friends all throughout high school, and then came to terms with the fact that I have no friends at ALL! Things like having no friends really did have an effect on me… I gave friendship and putting myself out there an earnest try, but after the many times I got hurt and betrayed, that was the end of it for me.  People like myself who are alone usually spend their time practicing something they like, in my case being my art, writing, and studying. From other sources and from my own experience, it helps to be noticed for your talents and interest. This pretty much tied into, if you’d notice, why I was actively moping around DA Forums grousing on why my work doesn’t get as much attention as I’d hoped or why those that are recognized do get it. Sometimes, I feel annoyed that noone cares about my work, not even my relatives. My original work. Like, on DeviantArt, I recall fan-art and fan-artists get tons of favorites on their work. While the highest I've ever gotten was 11. I've put hours, days, and sometimes weeks into these and noone cares. And it's mostly criticism that doesn't even make sense. I just want to tell them how hard it is to make the art, but showing people who aren't interested in the hobby will just make them annoyed about it. Everyone is expecting a @$%^ing anime master from every artist and I just don't get it. Some of the time people will make annoying re-colors to get the respect and attention they want, but they do get both of those things in the end. Mostly, how it goes is: A person will make a rather undeveloped character. Then, they will take someone else's artwork and color in their character. Then they will claim it as their own. Then, they will get hate and attention. The person will 'cry' over it and say that they are going to leave that site. People will feel bad for that person, make the person fan art, subscribe to or watch them or whatever, and the person will be filthy-famous and have tons of friends in the end, even though they didn't do jack @$%^! Or they just stoop so low just to get-rich-quick. Argh! I just don't get it any more! I try to hard making quality animation, art, videos, but no one cares what so ever!

I’ve had nobody.  Nobody cared about me.  Going this long without someone besides therapists to confide in, or someone to comfort you or share their likes and dislikes with could really mess you up...

An ordinary day for me back in high school that I rarely overlook, was my recurring plight when it came to being around others. For the majority of my life, I had been nothing but an outcast to people my own age, I never fit in with them since they never truly accepted me as their friend. From what I can remember, each year, I was either on my own or hung out with a group of kids as they talked amongst themselves while I just remained silent. And each year, I make the mistake of even having the tiniest bit of optimism that things just might be different. Having been alone and neglected for a long time, I spent every day seeing what it felt like to be going through what I think are quite possibly the worst years of my adolescent life, with my best and only friend gone (he moved), while I was stuck amongst people whom I felt care very little about me. Now, I’m by myself and with some content. Everyday I would go through the same routine—morning academic classes, lunch break, after classes, dismissal—counting the hours as they go by. For kids that suffered from anxiety or depression, like me, they were sent to the Social Work team where they can vent out their problems and try to uncover any solution or coping mechanism to get by the school year. For me, it might've been a different story because ever since my depression started, I received little check-ins from anyone, not even my own parents, relatives, or any old friends I once had (ones that I talked to in elementary or middle school that won’t talk to me anymore). Most of the time in school, I refused to show any emotion, trying to keep them all bottled up as I go through eight hours by hours while the other students talk amongst themselves and don't pay attention to me.

In life, I find what it is like to be in complete isolation, triggering memories of how I had endured loneliness in my childhood and used to be the timid, awkward, and sullen oddball, knowing that there is noone around to brighten my day, only the sound of other kids talking amongst themselves and having fun much to my envy is all I can hear. On one night as I walked home, I realized that I am really alone, having no idea where my life is going at that rate, or if there is someone out there who really cares about me because not a lot of people have spoken to me for a while ever since I became a high school student years back and regret not getting in much contact with them to see how things were. Plus, my closest relatives, such as my parents and brother are not really much help in my condition. As much as I try to talk to them, I don't get the feeling that they truly understand. The way they respond whenever I attempt to console to them is very dismissive and inconsiderate, further supporting my belief that not even they care about me. In the time I'd wrote this, I swore off telling them any ounce of my problems, as if they would actually care...

Even worse was enduring bullying and abuse from other students that triggered bad memories of what caused me not to be so trusting of others. And, I could not fight back against them all that much, doing nothing other than reacting, glaring, snarking, or giving the occasional finger, which wouldn't last long as I am often overpowered by their popularity, dominance, and miraculous ways of getting reactions out of me. Unless I were lucky to find some kind of way of hitting them. There were some days which ended with me getting sent to the principal’s office in order to acknowledge my mental illness with the staff, not to mention what feelings of trauma I get whenever I’m bullied or harassed by some dastardly kid. Sometimes after the bullying, I would have meltdowns or end up running back to my haven so nobody can see my silent (nonexistent) tears of regret and sorrow, even ignoring whatever pains those bullies left on my heart and body. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I can no longer bottle up my emotions, yet now I refuse to show it in front of others and would rather do it alone in my haven so I can be on to do so freely. The only words I can whisper to myself is “I hate myself…” This is also the case for cyberbullies and predators I've fallen victim of in the past—people have anonymously been mean and hurtful to me, and what's worse is that I REALLY cannot do anything about it besides reporting, especially for pedophiles who have managed to lead me on in the past and take advantage of my open wounds just to get an easy nail... Speaking of bullying, I think it's safe to assume that I'd also sufferred the same at the hands of my own father! In the past, and during my childhood, he would abuse me by striking me every time I screwed something up, even if it was a minor or honest mistake. Being both verbally and physically abusive, I can't exactly say I felt truly safe when around him in hindsight, worrying that one slip-up in front of him could result in another clean bruise on my body. Recently, I recall my father once barging into my room at night while I was asleep and interrogating me about some sort of misunderstanding with his credit card and certain online marketing website. Instead of actually filling me in on what happened or what was going on, he would yell me these questions with no fathomable context whatsoever. Even worse was that initially I was suffering from sleep inertia, so I definitely couldn't quite catch on quickly. Eventually, things led to things, and a heated argument erupted between us, prompting us to get into a shouting match and for me to release all my pent up anger on him, even getting physical and delivering a few blows to him thus further angering him. The incident left me with mixed emotions of confusion, sadness, trauma, and all topped with insomnia since I could not go to sleep for the rest of the night. The things he said to me during all this made assured me that he definitely didn't care about me, and that I was expendable just like all his other abandoned love-children... The feelings, it burns. It is when nobody says happy birthday. It is when family members say they love me yet don't show it. They don't know how to love me, and that is the same as not loving me. It is being alone at lunch. It is being alone and lonely all the time. It is spending hours online finding out how others managed to cope with the stinging feeling I get before I go to bed when my head starts spinning with all the evil truths that nobody cares about me. Sure, some may say they do, but who wants to listen to me talk about my passions? Who wants to help me out? Nobody... Nobody even wants to take time out of their day to spend it with me. It's reading books on how to make friends. It's moping for hours wondering why nobody even likes me, much less loves me. It's changing appearances and attitudes only to be rejected and alone and remain unloved. It's questioning who I am entirely, it's masking who I am and changing who I am and feeling like I'm crazy. It's wishing I could be okay with the fact that nobody loves me but it still feels like a hot hand gripping my throat and a heavy weight on my chest. It's replaying every comment in my head over and over. It's terrible, I can't talk with anyone about it because nobody cares. It hurts, God it hurts!

There was one thing during my time in high school that I could confide in, besides art and drawing…

Back in mid-2015, I remember working hard on a series called “Tails for Hire”; one that parodied the already-parody, Sonic for Hire. With the help of an online ally from Kentucky, I was able to finish it and upload it to YouTube that summer. At the time, my YouTube channel was nothing but cobwebs of old, rather second-rate videos. That was until the first episode of Tails for Hire was released. To my surprise, it garnered over 5,000 views the first week it was uploaded, and I was blown away by the good responses and relatively fair criticism. For the first time, I felt… significant! In retrospect, I realize that what lifted my spirits seeing the comments on my TFH videos was the fact that I had some company. Afterwards, my partner for the video, Tales499 and I talked fairly often, I made another (now former) friend on Skype from Norway, I had so many notifications of comments on the videos. I didn’t feel so alone during all this. I guess I wanted people to talk to and share my feelings with in order to quell my loneliness and compensate for my lack of friendships. I’ll admit, the internet was harsh at times with me, but I learn over the years (and now), that it’s a way of helping you grow thicker skin. This all might explain why I felt the yearning desire for popularity on different social media platforms. Though, I have to admit it does sound rather pathetic for me to console to people behind screens instead of face-to-face.

As some of you who know me from my YouTube channel, you’ll know that Tails for Hire is currently on an undeterminably long hiatus, as of June 2016. Currently, no return date was thought of, but don’t fret, one day… ONE DAY, Tails for Hire will return… At this point the hiatus is more of a hibernation.

Months later, after I finally graduated high school, leaving behind the four years of emotional torture I had endured, I was ready to head to university! Or at least, I thought…

I won’t get too deep into the details of what happened there, but I will say this—everything that I struggled with in my early-to-mid adolescence came to haunt me in university as if I was cursed. No matter how hard I tried to suck it up, I didn’t make any real friends or meaningful relationships in university. When I noticed all the other students at the school, I felt generally inadequate—it reminded me of all things that others are better at and how I'm don't have anything to offer anyone. At the end of December 2018, some of you might recall me making a status update on DeviantArt of me contemplating suicide, and that if I don’t post anything the next year, I might have actually gone with it… Few of you showed your concern… But, while I did appreciate it, I felt that people will only care when it’s too late… I’m sorry if I scared or confused some of you. If I EVER feel suicidal again, I’ll see it that seek immediate help.

Short story—public Safety, many counsellors, my roommates, and one of the deans had come to me saying how worried they were about my well-being after hearing reports of me acting strange and making suicidal remarks. This also ties into the fact that the way I've been feeling has caused me to occasionally miss some of my classes, not be able to focus well, and worst of all... develop some suicidal thoughts... I even explicitly fantasized of jumping off a roof or a window to kill myself! I'm sorry if all this info came up out of nowhere. Eventually, the Dean highly recommended that I be put on medical leave until it is decided that I'm fit to come back to campus. I wasn't too fond of the idea given that I worked so hard in coming to this school and at least tough my way through the first semester. But apparently, it's for the best... When others ask why I would even think to kill myself, the only overarching reason I can give is "I'm worthless!" When people notice that I've been OK for few days or acting normal, it's just that I've been manic. When I look at others, I always think of the things I can't do! I'm an artist who can even get noticed, I'm a guy who has never had many friendships that lasted long, I'm a wimp who can't work up the courage to confront others, I'm a university student on medical leave! All of these things and then some are what trigger thoughts of how my life is a joke! But somehow, during those times when I contemplated suicide, I actually felt free! Almost giddy, and that I could finally kiss this worthless life good-bye!

At the moment, I’m going through professional help and trying to keep myself busy during my downtime. Part of me says there’s no hope me, but part me says one day, I’ll be back to my old, wholesomely manic self again. Step by step… it just might happen.

Lately, I’ve tried to get back into the passions I once enjoyed, get the ideas I’ve had out there as if someone would want to see them. But, I still struggle in finding the motivation thinking of the very disheartening outcomes—low viewership, negative or no feedback, or just not feeling happy with the finished product. I sometimes look at my art and wonder if I can do better or it's good enough. I'm turned between both sides on that case, mainly because I don't have anyone else to share with me their well-thought-out opinions, instead of one-word comments or notifications where someone simply favorites something. Mostly due to my depression, almost everything I do in life seems meaningless. Because that's how depression works! No matter how good I (supposedly) am, I don't remember the good things about myself, I just over exaggerate the terrible stuff about me and it becomes who I am in my mind. No matter what I do, I'm not good enough for myself... But no, my fear of death and it being a one-way ticket are what stop me... I try to figure out what I have to live for and what ideas I have to share. It's really hard, given how I compare myself to others and how much success they've achieved besides me, and the negative thoughts are what cloud my mind no matter how hard I try to clear them. Then there's the days where I feel unimportant or under appreciated, as if I make no difference by staying alive. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world and that noone can stop me, and other and most days I feel nothing but pain. During those good days, I find myself surrounded by people who seem to care and be interested in me, but soon after the feeling wears off, and I just don't know why! In the time, I've written this, I've been feeling really low, as if noone would even care or bother to read this or be concerned with how I'm feeling. But as I finish and sign off... I kinda feel like a huge weight was lifted off of me. It felt good for me to let it all out, even if it is just typing it out. (Sigh)... If you've made it this far in reading the journal, thank you for reading and hopefully understanding. Once again, I'm sorry if this seemed overly dramatic, self-indulgent or just really heavy. But like I said, this was for me to get some of that heavy weight off me. Throughout half of this year, everything that has happened was really just too much to explain, too much to handle, too traumatically stressing, and generally just heavy... which is why I needed time off... Again, thank you for reading...

[pluto-fics]

When you need to study

Kim Seokjin

It was that time of the semester again. The big exam time.

Your head was fuming and yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to look away from your books, sprawled across your desk. It’s not like you started to study later than you should have, it’s just that, despite having spent whole days and nights studying, you still felt like you could never pass the exam.

The quiet buzzing noise of your phone atop of your desk seemed like the roar of a wild creature in comparison to the silence in your room. When you checked your notifications, a soft sigh escaped your tense body as it finally began to relax.

Jinnie 💖

[Hey, darling. I’m close to your house right now, would you mind it if I came over in a few minutes?]

A smile played on your lips when you read your boyfriend’s message. Maybe you really should stop studying for today and spent a few hours with Seokjin instead.

You

[Sounds good. Should I make dinner for us both?]

His answer arrived almost in an instant.

Jinnie 💖 

[How about I cook for you instead so you can finally relax for a while?]

This made you giggle. He knew how much you were stressing out because of your upcoming exams. He was also the one to repeatedly remind you to take breaks and eat or just relax. It was sweet to see him caring about your well-being, not like it was a special occasion, though. Seokjin always made sure you were at your absolute best, at least health-wise.

You

[I’d love that. Thanks Jinnie. I love you! 💕]

-

Jinnie 💖 

[Love you too, (Y/N). I’ll get some things at the grocery shop and be there in 20 minutes ❤]

Min Yoongi

Silence filled the air of the Genius Lab around you and your boyfriend, Yoongi.

Whilst Yoongi was clicking and typing away at his several devices he uses to produce songs, you were sat on the couch behind him, quietly working on some tasks your teacher handed out to you and your classmates in preparation for the upcoming exams. A lot of people would have felt uncomfortable with this kind of ‘date’, but for you and Yoongi it wasn’t uncommon to meet up just to seperately work on something. It was the presence of the other that was enough for the both of you to feel less lonely while shutting yourselves away from the world to focus completely on the one thing you wanted to get done.

Surprisingly, Yoongi was the one who broke the silence as he let out a deep sigh and leaned back in his chair before spinning around with it to face you. “Aren’t you hungry? You haven’t eaten all day, (Y/N)” he said, now getting up from his chair. You just hummed in response, finishing the sentence you were writing down before looking up at him and nodding. “I really should eat, huh?” you asked, a smile froming on yours and Yoongi’s lips in unison. He nodded shortly then asked “The usual?” to which you smiled even more. “Yep” you said and patted the free space next to you on the couch, Yoongi immediately scooting closer with his phone in hand and falling down beside you as he called the delivery service and placed your orders.

“Are you done with the track yet?” you then asked after he finished the call to which he shook his head a little. “Not yet, but it’s almost how I want it to turn out” he says, his arm naturally finding it’s place around your shoulders as you automatically lean into him and close your eyes. “Can’t wait to listen to it” you say honestly and, for the first time today, felt the tension leave your body and instead felt the feeling of relaxation taking over you, finally able to focus on something else than your exams. That other something being: spending time with Yoongi.

Jung Hoseok

Thud!

Your forehead met the top of your desk for what felt like the hundredth time today. After having pulled an all-nighter last night to memorize as much of the important notes you took during class as you could, you only took a 45 minutes nap this morning before getting up to run some errands during the day. And here you were, back at your desk to study. Or at least attempt to, but failing miserably due to how sleep-deprived you felt.

“Ugh, I can’t concentrate like this...” you mumbled to yourself and leaned back in your chair, staring at the ceiling for a couple of seconds before you decided to check your phone for messages. 

Thus, you were met with a bunch of notifications, messages from friends and so on. However, one contact name sent a smile to your face and a certain warmth to your heart as you tapped on the messages he had sent.

Hobi ❤

[Good morning, my angel ❤ Did you sleep well?]

[Seems like you’re busy again today... Remember to take breaks and relax a bit, alright~?]

[Hey, how about you take a break tonight and come over for a while? I miss you, baby ❤]

You felt a sting in your heart, feeling as though you were the worst for not having found the time to check your messages for a whole day. So you immediately typed your reply, apologizing to Hoseok for not having answered his texts and telling him about how tired you were. His response followed quick, almost as if he had been expecting your reply.

Hobi ❤

[It’s fine, don’t worry about it. How about I come and pick you up right now and we just have a nice, calm movie night together? Or a nap date, I don’t care as long as I get to see you, baby]

Giggling a little, you replied with an ‘alright’ and honestly began to feel excited to see your boyfriend again as well.

Kim Namjoon

“Argh!”

You were frustrated. Stressed out. Completely devastated. 

Almost a whole hour had passed since you first attempted at solving one of your practice algebra exercises and you still didn’t get any closer to the solution of it. Dropping your pencil and massaging your temples, you closed your eyes and tried to clear your mind of the countless numbers and mathematical formulas.

That was, until Namjoon came into the living room, carrying two cups of hot beverages towards the coffee table you sat in front of. “What’s wrong Babe?” he asked, a sweet smile beaming your way. You grumbled quietly in response. “Still that stupid exercise, huh?” he then guessed in a mumbled voice.

Taking a seat next to you, he then scanned the task given in the exercise and hummed quietly while seemingly trying to come up with a solution as well. “That really is a hard one” he then sighed, your eyebrows furrowing. “Of course it is, I wouldn’t have been stuck with it for almost a full hour if it wasn’t” you almost snapped. Namjoon, however, stayed completely calm, knowing that it was just the stress that was building up inside of you which made you act up like this.

Thus, he simply asked “Have you tried this yet?” and came up with a, indeed, very logical way to solve the problem. Your eyes widened while he explained what he was thinking, your mind racing and your head nodding on it’s own, agreeing with Namjoon’s suggestions. “Oh my god, you’re a genius! Of course, I should have just done that instead of taking the square root.”

Namjoon just chuckled and gently stroked your back while you quickly scribbled down your calculations and result. “Maybe you should take a break, (Y/N). You’ve been studying for hours, of course it’ll get hard to concentrate at some point” he speaks in a gentle voice “Why don’t we order some food and watch a movie together, hm?”

And how could you disagree with the man who just solved that devilish mathematical problem in less than 3 minutes?

Park Jimin

It was completely silent in your room.

You were sat on your bed, well, more like inbetween Jimin’s legs while he hugged you close and rested his chin on your shoulder, quietly watching you write down a bunch of important text passages from one of the books you had had to read for your english classes.

“And... he pulled her in... for... a kiss” you suddenly heard Jimin mumble the english phrase from the book before you felt him pressing a quick kiss against your cheek and chuckling quietly. You immediately giggled, turning your head to smile at him.

“I’m sorry, Jimin. I bet it’s boring to watch me study but I really need to prepare for next week” you spoke. He shook his head slightly and smiled. “It’s fine. You look cute when you’re concentrating so hard” he stated with a grin.

You could feel the blush rushing to your cheeks as you rolled your eyes playfully and leaned back against his chest, resting your head on his shoulder. “Hmm, I wish I could still concentrate but my lovely boyfriend keeps distracting me every few minutes” you then said with a teasing smirk and felt Jimin stroking your sides lovingly. He placed another kiss on your cheek and said “Sorry Jagi, I just really wanted to see you today. I didn’t mean to keep you from studying, though.”

“It’s alright, I missed you too. I just wish we could do something fun instead of... well... this” you replied, glaring at your books and notepad as you finished your statement. To this, Jimin giggled before suggesting to keep studying for an hour or so and then going out for dinner together.

“Sounds perfect, thank you Jiminie” you smiled happily and pecked his lips before continuing your note taking from before as Jimin smiled because of the nickname you gave him and buried his face in the nape of your neck while waiting for the final hour of studying to pass.

Kim Taehyung

“I’m really sorry, Tae, but I really need to study tonight” you said to your boyfriend who you were talking to on the phone.

“(Y/N)~! You can’t leave me hanging like this, we haven’t met in days” was his reply. You sighed and dropped the pen you had used to scribble notes into your notebook with. “Tae... I miss you so much, I really do, but I can’t just go out now when there’s so much that I still need to memorize and revise...” you explained to him, a sigh following your words.

Taehyung went quiet for a few seconds before he then said “Fine.”

“I’m so sor-”

-

“If you can’t come out, I’ll just come to you then. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

And with that, the call ended. You blinked a couple of times before sighing again. You should have known that it’d end like this, but who were you to complain? After all, you didn’t lie when you told Taehyung how much you missed him. You craved his hugs so badly right now since his embrace always helped you to relax. And god, were you tense and exhausted right now.

Your doorbell rang half an hour later, just like Taehyung had promised, and as soon as he entered your home, your arms moved on their own to hug him tightly. It startled him at first, but he quickly returned the hug with a happy giggle. “Aw, I missed you too, Jagiya~” he teased and kissed the top of your head.

Jeon Jungkook

You puffed out a breath after finally finishing the task you had started on 40 minutes ago. Your eyes now wandered from your notebook to the back of your boyfriend’s head, as he busied himself with a computer game to not disturb you while you were studying. A smile grew on your lips as you heard him making fun of Taehyung, who apparently played the game with him online, for almost getting killed by a beginner.

Quietly getting up from his bed, you moved closer to Jungkook and waited for the right time to gently place your hands on his shoulders, not wanting to shock him and possibly making him do something stupid in-game by accident.

But once your hands met his shoulders, Jungkook flinched a bit in surprise before chuckling. “Ah~, (Y/N), why do you sneak up to me like that?” he asked amused and glanced back at you with a smile before focusing back on the screen in front of him as you smiled. “Sorry, I just wanted to surprise you a little” you said honestly and now watched what he was doing in the game, as well. “Taehyung is telling me to say hi to you” Jungkook then said, erupting a giggle from you. You leaned in to Jungkook’s microphone on his headset and said “Hi Tae” before pecking Jungkook’s head.

“Do you want me to stop?” Jungkook then asked you to which you simply shook your head. “No, I like watching you play. I need to take a break from studying anyway” you replied honestly with a smile and gently pulled back his chair a bit, Jungkook immediately realizing what you’re about to do and gently pulling you down to sit on his lap before he continued to play the game with a happy grin on his face.

“I love you, babe” he then said, only to get teased for it by Taehyung afterwards.

[silverangel19]

Evening Hour

Don’t question my choice of title. I’m horrible at it. It was initially Evening Photograph but then I’m just like wtf no why can’t I think of good titles. This fandom needs more HayaRyuu content and I’d like to contribute with this small fic. It’ll also be posted on Ao3 later today if anyone wants to read it from there. It’s fluff, no smut. I don’t write smut. Enjoy~

“Thanks for your help, Kashima-kun.”

“No problem, sensei. I’m glad to be of help. I’ll be taking my leave now, excuse me.” Ryuuichi hurriedly gathered his stuff and jogged out the classroom.

He was running a bit late. He had just finished helping out the teacher and was on his way to the daycare room. As he reached the room, he slid open the door, only to find no one inside. He blinked, and looked around the room, wondering if maybe the kids were having a game of hide-and-seek.

As minutes passed, worry was starting to seep in and he was debating whether or not he should look for them or if he should just wait patiently for them to come back from wherever they went. Ryuuichi knew that Usaida was very well capable of taking care of the kids, but sometimes it gets a little worrisome not knowing their whereabouts.

It was only then he remembered that he had a phone and calmed down a little. He could just call Usaida and ask him about it. He hasn’t really been using the phone Obaa-san had given him. After nearly a year of not having a phone with him, the habit of checking his phone dissipated.

‘As thanks from before.’

The memory of Hayato resurfaced and Ryuuichi couldn’t help but smile softly as he stared dazedly at the phone in his hand. He was shook out of his thoughts when the phone rang, echoing loudly in the empty room. He jumped at the sound and fumbled to receive the call, quickly glancing at the caller before picking it up.

“Hello, Usaida-san?”

“Ah, Ryuu-chan. You’re done with school now, right? The kids couldn’t wait any longer so I took them out for a walk a while ago. We should be back in another hour or so. We’re with Inomata-chan, by the way. Apparently they’re free to use the room for the whole day so the cooking club is making some sweets for them. If you want to, you can stop by the cooking room.” Usaida’s voice spoke from the receiver.

“Oh, sure- “, Ruuichi paused and looked at the time. Hayato was about done with his club activities. He looked down at his bag and was reminded of the chemistry homework given by Hebihara-sensei. Hayato does well in this subject and was surprisingly patient and helpful when teaching him. Ryuuichi had planned to do it together with him when the kids were having their nap time. Then again, he also hadn’t expected to be called out to assist his teacher in something. By the time he was finished, the kids had woken up from their naps.

‘Since they’re out now and Hayato is coming over soon…’

“…It’s fine, Usaida-san. I could use this time to get my work done. Hayato and I will be here when you guys get back. Have fun with the kids.” Ryuuichi said and laughed as he heard a mixture of ‘I want to talk to Ryuu!’ and ‘It’s Ryuuuuu!!’ in the background.

“Okay, we’ll bring back snacks for you guys. Enjoy your time with Hayato~” Usaida responded teasingly and hung up before Ryuuichi could even say goodbye.

“…Right.” Ryuuichi sighed, placing the phone in his bag. He walked over to the side of the room, taking out his worksheets.

It’s been ten minutes and he hasn’t done a single question. Looking at the equations and formulas got him a little sleepy. Ryuuichi rubbed his eyes and leant back on the book shelf behind him. He looked up to the sound of the door opening.

In came Hayato with his baseball cap still on, panting slightly with his face flushed and a light sheen of sweat plastered on his skin.

Ryuuichi’s heart beat a little faster at the sight. He swallowed and averted his gaze for a moment before flitting back towards Hayato.

“H-hey, Hayato. Usaida and the kids are out for a walk. They’re currently at the cooking club right now, and will probably be back in another hour.”

Hayato grunted and took off his cap, plopping down next to Ryuuichi, sitting close to him. Close enough that their shoulders brushed against each other with every small movement. Ryuuichi didn’t mind it, and hoped that Hayato didn’t too. The musky scent of Hayato was oddly comforting, a pleasant tingle ran down Ryuuichi’s body, and he had to resist the urge to lean closer.

The two of them had grown close with each passing day, so much so that their classmates would question them if one was not present with the other. They were always a pair. Walking to class together and having lunch together. They were comfortable with the other’s presence and enjoyed each other’s company, with lingering gazes and soft touches that were occurring more frequently as time passed. They have even started calling each other by their first names. It had been quite embarrassing, especially the first time, to freeze up or get flustered as they stuttered out their first names. Since then, they have gradually gotten used to it and are now completely fine being on first-name basis with each other.

Ryuuichi glanced to the side to look at his friend. Hayato was breathing a little heavily, his eyes were half-mast and looked about ready to flake out.

“Are you okay, Hayato?” Ryuuichi asked softly, his voice laced with concern as he gently placed a hand on Hayato’s shoulder.

“I’m fine. There’s a competition coming up in a month and our coach has been training us harder than usual. He’s hoping our team would win for real this time.” Hayato replied nonchalantly.

‘It must be some really grueling training if even Hayato is feeling this tired from it.’  Ryuuichi thought as he looked down at the worksheets spread on his lap. ‘I should let him rest… I’ll just figure this out on my own for the time being.’

Hayato took a look at the papers and textbooks on Ryuuichi’s lap and huffed. “You need any help?”

“Eh? No, no, I’m fine! I can do it myself, you should get some sleep before they come back!” Lies. He was totally not fine. Ryuuichi had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

“…I know this particular topic is more difficult than the one before, even I find it a bit challenging.” Hayato raised a brow questioningly, not believing a single word Ryuuichi said.

Ryuuichi rubbed a hand behind his neck and chuckled nervously. “Uh…”

“Come on, I’ll teach you.” Hayato took the paper from his lap and looked at the questions.

“It’s really okay, Hayato- “

“Ryuuichi.”

Golden amber eyes stared hard at him before they softened. Hayato shook his head and sighed in both exasperation and fondness, giving a soft knock to Ryuuichi’s head. “Hurry up before they come back.”

They were silent for a moment until Ryuuichi broke it, smiling brightly. “Thank you, Hayato!”

Hayato looked away, a small blush painted his cheeks. “Whatever.”

They spent the next half an hour doing their work. Ryuuichi hanging onto every word Hayato said as he taught him and Hayato explaining to him calmly despite the usual grumpiness he gets whenever he was tired. Hayato was done teaching him and was now just looking over his work as Ryuuichi worked diligently on it, making sure he wouldn’t make any mistakes.

Ryuuichi was half way through the last question when he felt a weight on his shoulder. He turned his head slightly to find Hayato asleep, a serene expression on his face.

Ryuuichi was slightly surprised. It was the first time seeing Hayato asleep like this, on him no less.

‘He looks so peaceful… Not at all scary.’ Ryuuichi lips quirked up into a smile as he patted the soft raven strands. Hayato mumbled a little in his sleep and leant into the touch.

Ryuuichi held back a giggle, not wanting to wake him up. ‘He can be quite cute at times.’

With Hayato this close, the scent of him was even stronger. It really was a nice smell. Ryuuichi felt himself relaxed even more, his eyes were starting to droop, the warmth next to him tempting him into a blissful slumber.

‘Ahh… and I was almost done with it…’ Ryuuichi’s sight of his chemistry work was blurring, letters and formulas becoming a jumbled mess of black and white. He gave in and drifted off as well, head atop the other and fingers laced together.

‘I’ll just doze for a while, and wake up before they’re back…’

Inui, who was passing by the daycare room, had looked inside, and nearly shouted.

“What? Wh-what is this!?” He whisper-yelled to himself and moved closer to the window. He took in the sight of Hayato and Ryuuichi sleeping closely side by side, and he suddenly remembered an incident that happened not too long ago.

An image of a Kamitani wrapping his arms around a cross-dressed Ryuuichi popped into his mind.

‘This is my woman. You better give up.’

‘If you ever dare to hit that person when you talk to them, I’ll send you flying to the sky.’

“Wait, so they weren’t acting? Shit, are they together? They’re really dating?! But they are both guys!” Inui rambled on to himself, making a mixture of expressions and strange noises, causing him to receive weird looks from the people who passed by.

“I feel like I just intruded an intimate moment… No, no, no! Why am I thinking of this?? Argh, I should just forget about it already! What they do is none of my business!” Inui nodded to himself determinedly and started speeding away.

‘But… should I congratulate them or something, maybe?’ Inui slowed down as he thought about it before shaking his head furiously and running off again.

Usaida took his time strolling back to the daycare room with the kids in tow, and Midori strapped to his back. As they neared the room, the toddlers started running excitedly towards the door, eager to give the sweets they got from the girls in the cooking club.

Usaida took one look at the see through window by the door and his eyes widened at the sight before him.

Before the kids could open the sliding door and rush in, Usaida stopped them. “Nope, nope. Hold up, I gotta take this. Stay quiet and don’t make a single noise, okay?” For once, the toddlers obeyed and listened to him, looking up at him curiously.

He took out his phone and went in the room. The four toddlers followed behind him and peeked through his legs. Kotarou letting out a small ‘Nii-cha?’.

“Heh, this is some good blackmail material.” Usaida snickered as he positioned his phone at the right angle.

“Hmmm, it feels even more lovey-dovey with this evening lighting.” He hummed and tapped his phone. The kids were murmuring something about ‘Kamita’ and ‘Ryuu’ and ‘lovey-dovey’ below him.

The camera shutter went off loudly. For a second there, Usaida thought they might’ve woken up, yet the two boys still slept soundly, unaware of the audience in front of them.

‘I wonder if I could sell this to that weird secretary butler man…’

Ryuuichi and Kotarou were now in the dining room back at home, drinking the tea that Saikawa-san had prepared. Strawberry juice, in Kotarou’s case.

Saikawa came in with a plate of beautifully decorated biscuits in his hands. He placed them down onto the table and then proceeded to ask about his day. All was fine until Saikawa mentioned Hayato’s name.

“Ryuuichi-sama and Hayato-sama do indeed make a great pair.”

Ryuuichi nearly spat out his tea. He coughed into his fist and asked what Saikawa meant.

Saikawa smiled and took out a piece of what seemed to be a photo from his suit pocket, and presented it to him.

In the photo, was Ryuuichi and Hayato. The evening light that cast through the window gave a soft orange glow around the two sleeping boys. The whole picture gave off a tranquil feeling to it.

It was only then did Ryuuichi realise the positions they had been in. Hayato had his head resting on Ryuuichi’s shoulder, and Ryuuichi’s face was partially covered by the black hair where he had laid his own head on. In the picture, Ryuuichi could clearly see that their hands were intertwined together.

The longer he stared at the picture, the warmer his cheeks felt.

“Nii-cha! Face… red…” Kotarou pointed out in his usual soft tone, eyes sparkling at the rare sight of his brother’s scarlet hue.

Indeed, Ryuuichi’s face was flushed a bright red. So red that it could compete with the strawberry juice in Kotarou’s hands.

“Where did you get that, Saikawa-san?!” Ryuuichi stood up abruptly, the photo falling from his hands.

“No worries, Ryuuichi-sama. The both of you are very photogenic. This photo is not anything but beautiful. It pleases me to see you in such a comfortable state in another’s presence.” Saikawa assured him.

“Th-that’s not what I meant…” Ryuuichi trailed off.

“Usaida-sama seems to have good skills in photography. I will most definitely make further purchases from him in the future.” Saikawa said as he picked the photo up and showed it to Kotarou when he asked to look at it.

“Nii-cha… and Kami-cha… good!” Kotarou exclaimed with a huge grin on his face after having seen the photo.

“K-Kotarou…”

“I shall make a wall of photos dedicated to you and your loved ones. Ryuuichi-sama, we shall make more good memories together. I am sure the Chairman will be glad to have some family photos up in this household. I shall also prepare some red bean rice for dinner, this is indeed a splendid occasion to…” Saikawa’s voice grew softer as he headed back towards the kitchen, leaving Ryuuichi in his flustered state.

“Eh? W-wait, you don’t need to do that! Saikawa-san-!”

In the Kamitani household, the two brothers were watching some random show on the television while eating the apples that their mom prepared for them.

“Hey, Aniki!”

“Mm.” Hayato chewed on his apple, his eyes still on the screen, not bothering to give his full attention on Taka.

“Are you and Ryuu lovey-dovey?” Taka asked, using the word that he heard from Usaida.

Hayato choked on his apple.

Lol I hope that ending wasn’t too abrupt xD Also, sorry that the kids didn’t make much of an appearance. It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything and Wow I suck. I forgot how hard it was to write a 1k fic, let alone 2k. I’ve been working on it since yesterday and I’m honestly surprised that I managed to get it done now instead of procrastinating. I hope you guys liked it! :D

[stylo-xx]

Eyes Closed (M)

G-Dragon: Angst/Small amount of fluff/Smut

PART 6:  Let Me Go

A/N: a bit shorter than most of my other stuff but I figured if I write shorter chapters I’d be able to get it out to you guys faster me thinks

P.S: songs for your listening pleasure: (Hailee Steinfeld)||(ZEDD)||(RM&Junkook)||(The Naked and Famous)

(Part One)||(Part Two-A)||(Part Two-B)||(Part Three)||(Part Four)||(Part Five-A)||(Part Five-B)||(Part Five-C)(Part Seven)

      “Jiyong” she panted “no I’m too tired for a round three”       He chuckled “relax, I just wanted to kiss you, you little shit” he said cupping her cheek and leaning forward before she mustered up whatever energy she had left and shoved his shoulder.         “What?” He laughed “oh, come on you know I meant that with l—“       “Don’t even finish what you were going to say” she interjected “don’t say the ‘L’ word”       He lazily draped his arm around her waist while the other supported his head.       “You know maybe we should stop kissing all together…”       “What? Why?” he chuckled.       “I don’t know…I just think that’s–I just don’t want to confuse mindless sex for something else…”       “What are you Sandra Bullock in ‘Pretty Woman’ or something?” He furrowed his brows “no way”       “That wasn’t Sandra Bullock and yes way” she shifted putting a small amount of distance between them.       He bit his lip before speaking “I feel like its too little, too late for that” He said lifting himself up and moving to straddle her.       “Ji-Yong, I told you I was too tired” she whined.       “Okay well let’s just call it even after this. Last night you wore me out with how enthusiastically you wanted me, so round three and however many more you can handle” he leaned down pecking her lips.       “That was different” she swatted his face away “I was having fun last night”       “So what, are you saying you’re not having fun now?” Stared deep into her eyes.       “It’s kinda ‘meh’ tonight Ji” smirked as she shrugged her shoulders.       Glaring at her he quickly placed his two fingers on her bundle of nerves and began rubbing her clit in circles as she squirmed beneath his touch.       “Okay,okay I’m sorry!” She moaned taking a firm grip on his wrist “I was just kidding!”       “That’s what I thought” he smirked as he pulled his digits away.       “You’re so evil….” she panted heavily  “…I….you are the worst”       He smiled.       “I wish we could stay like this forever” she sighed “laying in bed I mean”       He chuckled “we can if you want to”       “it’s too bad we can’t…”       He chuckled “and why can’t we?”       “I have to get back to Seoul…I have things I have to do tomorrow” she sighed again and stroked his cheek “Jeju is great but we can’t stay forever”       He furrowed his brows “okay well, then I’ll just come get you after said things and we can end up naked in bed again” he chuckled.       “I can’t”       He threw his arm around her and pulled her close “no way you can go then”       “What do you mean?” she laughed.       “Tell whatever things you have to do tomorrow you’re busy doing other things”       “Ji-Yong I can’t just– what other things?” She laughed.       “Me” he smirked.       She pushed his shoulder as she sat up and began to pull on her shirt.       “Ha-ha very funny. As much as I would love to have endless romp sessions with you, I have to go save face and apologize for what i did with you last night”       “What to Saige?”       “Umm, well I guess her too yes but not exactly…”       “I don’t get who you have to apologize– no way. Don’t even tell me its–” he pulled away.       “Ji-Yong I have to”       “No fucking way. You’re just gonna go apologize to that asshole? For what? Are you gonna suddenly tell me he’s your fucking boyfriend” he sat up.       “Okay calm down he’s not my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have slept with you if he was”       “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”       “I don’t even get why you’re getting so upset over this?” She stood from the bed and wiggled her pants back on       “You really don’t get why I’m upset?”       “Not at all” she started walking to where her shoes laid on the ground “besides you have no reason to be mad”       “No reason? No reason? Alex I don’t think you get how much i don’t like that guy, he doesn’t care about you the way you think”       She scoffed “oh come on Ji-Yong you don’t even know him. Besides I did ditch him for you last night after all. And today….I need to say sorry”       “I don’t have to know him to tell you he is an asshole!” He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed “so are you gonna tell him then?”       “Tell him what exactly?”       “About us? What we actually did last night, today! repeatedly may I add”       “Us? Of course not, I’m just going to say I didn’t feel well so I left early. I mean I texted him that earlier when he asked me if we were still meeting up today”       “So you’re just gonna lie? Not even say anything about me?”       She sighed heavily and crossed her arms “yes Ji-Yong, I am going to blatantly lie to his face because I can’t exactly say ‘I’m sorry I ditched you twice so I could go get fucked by my ex boyfriend’ Pretty sure he wouldn’t be too happy considering…” she turned to look in the mirror to fix her hair.       “Considering what?!”       She sighed again and turned back to face him “considering Kwon Ji-Yong, that you are not the only man that exists in my life. Considering, that before last night Jun-Myeon was the only guy I was remotely interested in. Considering, that for the past couple of months you didn’t exist to me!”       He scoffed “first of all don’t call him that–”

      “By his first name?!”       He rolled his eyes “well I exist to you now, you were the one who wanted me to whisk you away and fuck you remember? so is that all this is gonna be? Just me fucking you when you feel like lying to him? What if–nevermind”       “No say it” she crossed her arms.       “What if one day he actually asks you to be his girlfriend? Hmm? Would you say yes and then just forget about me again? Would I just be your rebound for when you break up and be your fuck buddy until you find someone else?”       She sighed “Ji-Yong, it’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be. Besides you live on the other half of the world so the fuck buddy thing wouldn’t exactly work out” she joked.       “That’s not funny! Goddammit, all I’ve wanted the past few months was to be with you, not just some one night stand and a quickie in my car but actually be with you. And now that I have you, you’re gonna turn around and tell me there’s some other douche bag you care about more than me?”        “I never said that”       “Well it sure as shit seems that way! So all this talk about wanting to spend time with me was just bullshit then right?”       “Stop putting words in my mouth”       “Are you sleeping with him too?”       “Excuse me?” She raised an eyebrow.       “Are-you-sleeping-with-him?” He sneered.       “First of all I heard you the first time jackass, second of all its none of your business if I am”       “Considering I’m the only one who’s been fucking you within the last 16 hours it is my business now! I don’t want to have sex with you if you’re letting that mother fucker have sex with you too”        “And who said I wanted to have sex with you after this? Maybe I just wanted to get it out of my system and now that it is, I can go back to him happily knowing I have no feelings for you at all”       “Argh!” He started pacing “why can’t you just stay with me?”       “I already told you I need to–”       “No, no you don’t!” He walked up to her and put his hands on her shoulders “please Alex I am begging you. Don’t leave me just to go back to him. I don’t think i can handle knowing I let you slip out of my fingers again and leave me for some guy” he searched her eyes before going in to kiss her with all the affection he could muster.       Not bothering to break up the kiss he lead her back into the bed and crawled on top of her and pulled away from the kiss before speaking       “I mean it” he stroked her cheek “I don’t want to lose you again…I still love you”       She stared into his eyes before speaking “I have to go. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I can’t say the same”       He sighed heavily in defeat before nodding his head and getting off of her. He watched her pick up the rest of her things with tears beginning to prick the corners of his eyes.       “I’m not driving you back to Seoul just for you to go see him” he sniffled.       “I wasn’t counting on it” she fixed her hair in the mirror again.       “What are you just gonna hitchhike all the way back to Seoul?”       “No. he’s on his way…”       He let out and incredulous scoff and ran his hands through his hair “unbelievable…”       “I’m sorry…” she said softly before heading out the door and out of his life yet again.

      For the next week and a half Ji-Yong spent his time in the studio at the YG building; day in and day out the only person who would actually see Ji-Yong was the doorman. Had the doorman not known any better he would have thought he was some miserable soul stuck haunting the YG building. But at the rate Ji-Yong had been sulking in his studio, he might as well have been.       Much to Young-Bae’s surprise, after hearing from Ji-Yong himself calling him to tell him what had happened between he and Alex, he actually felt happy for his friend thinking that maybe just maybe he was wrong for worrying about them seeing each other again. That maybe everything would work out in their favor and everything would go back to normal; but he should have known better. Getting a drunken voicemail from Ji-Yong the following sunday after the party, Young-Bae only feared that this was something that was going to make Ji-Yong worse than he already was; if that was humanly possible.       For days since the voicemail he had spent his time trying to reach Ji-Yong wherever he could to but to no avail; that is until Teddy had sent him a text begging him to take Ji-Yong home because he locked him out of the studio. The first couple of days Ji-Yong only agreed to speak with Young-Bae through the door; mostly to tell him to leave him alone, but perhaps the immense loneliness had gotten to Ji-Yong so it was only a matter of time before he finally agreed to let Young-Bae into the studio with him.       He listened to Ji-Yong complain and whine about the same thing over and over again for days but never once telling him that enough was enough or so much as roll his eyes; he listened and patiently waited for Ji-Yong to actually want to hear his consolation. That was one thing that had kept them friends for so long; Young-Bae was patient where Ji-Yong wasn’t and that was something Ji-Yong admired about him. He was also someone who was very good at expressing his concerns and emotions and knew how to be that friend when one is in need; not judging but just listening. Sure there were times where, despite their slight age difference, Young-Bae would scold Ji-Yong but only when he really deserved it. He admitted to himself that he felt he hadn’t been that good of a friend to Ji-Yong as of late, mostly because he had become tired of the same old song and dance with him; getting wasted, getting angry, throwing fits because he didn’t get what he wanted in the end. But there was a line drawn in the sand for Young-Bae, he and Seung-Hyun had shared the same sentiment of resentment toward Ji-Yong once they had found out the things that he had done; to one of their closest friends no less. Young-Bae in a way felt as if he had betrayed Ji-Yong many times over the past few months when he’d keep it from Ji-Yong that he and Seung-Hyun had traveled several times to see ‘DO NOT CALL HER’ or when she was close by but not uttering a single word to his best friend; despite knowing how badly his friend longed to see her again. Young-Bae had told himself he was doing it to protect his best friend when he knew full well he was doing it to protect himself; ‘protect himself from what?’ you may ask? From having to deal with Ji-Yong’s perpetual rampage and for one night pretend all was well in all his friendships. He felt selfish yes, but he couldn’t help but feel at time that he too was in a tumultuous relationship with Ji-Yong and he too needed a break from him sometimes. Sometimes he’d wish he was able to ‘break up’ with Ji-Yong if only momentarily.       “Alright man, I’ll see you tomorrow” Young-Bae clapped Ji-Yong’s shoulder “can you do me a favor and actually get some rest tonight?”       “No promises” halfheartedly smiled “same time tomorrow though alright?”       “I’m gonna have charging you for these daily therapy sessions” he chuckled.       “Yah, just go”       “Alright, alright see you tomorrow” he grabbed his backpack off the floor and walked out of the studio leaving Ji-Yong all alone with only a pad of paper and cold cup of coffee at his side.       Back into work mode, he scratched his head with the back of the pen trying to remember the melody Young-Bae had suggested for one of his new solo songs he had been writing. He closed and squinched his eyes tight trying to remember how it went before he completely forgot it. He quickly jotted down the notes before putting down the pad of paper on his lap and scooting his rolling chair over to where the electronic keyboard sat and positioned his fingers over the keys.       Just as he was about to play, knock came at the door.       “I’m busy!” he called out at the door.       The knock came again.       “Go away I am busy!”       The knocking continued.   ��   “Young-Bae, did you forget–” he swung open the door “oh…”       “Hey” she cleared her throat.       “It’s you…what are you doing here?” he furrowed his brows.       “I umm, can we talk?”       “I’m kinda busy, no” he stepped back ready to close the door.       “Ji-Yong wait!” she out stretched her hand stopping the door mid swing “can we just please talk?”       He sighed before stepping aside motioning for her to come inside.       He cleared his throat, closing the door behind her.       “You’ve decorated” her eyes dancing from wall to wall “love that Janet is still–”       “Alex what do you want?” he cut her off “did you just come her to make small talk? Because I have a lot of things to work on so if you–”       “I came to say I’m–”       “You’re sorry?” he crossed his arms “don’t even apologize, I got your message loud and clear”       He walked to the door swinging it open holding it for her to leave.       “Will you stop and listen to me?!” she grabbed him by the arm closing the door       “Look I don’t want to hear you say you’re sorry, I don’t care!”       “Fine then I won’t say I’m sorry!” she crossed her arms.       “Sounds good to me!” he swung the door open again.       “Will you stop opening the goddamn door?!” she shut it again.       “What could you possibly want from me?!” he ran a hand through his hair “what, do you just wanna dig the dagger in a little deeper and tell me about how amazing your new boyfriend is? Did you want a pat on the back for playing me the way you did? Well congratulations you played me well, I get it I did it to you now you got me, thank you!”       “Just shut up for a second and let me talk!”       “Why did you come back? Huh?”       “What do you mean?”             “Did you fly back just for him and I’m just a quick pit stop along the way so you don’t feel guilty anymore?”       “No…” she said softly “he doesn’t even know I’m here..“       “Oh good, more lies” he said sarcastically.       “Okay that’s it” she placed her hands on his chest and pushed him back against the wall “Ji-Yong I know you don’t wanna hear it but I’m sorry!”       He scoffed “Feel good to get that of your chest? Okay now get off me” he grabbed her by the wrists pulling her hands off his chest.       “You know what fine” she snatched her wrists back “screw you, I said my peace so yes, it did feel good to get that off my chest and I’m sorry I inconvenienced you so I’ll just leave!”       She turned on her heels and reached a hand for the door knob.       “Wait” he turned her around “I’m not done yet”       He grabbed her by the nape of her neck and kissed her deeply. She replaced her hands on his chest trying to put distance between them before unable to resist the urge to run her hands through his hair giving it light tugs. Taking her face between his palms, he pushed the two of them toward the desk just steps away. Pinning her between himself and the desk, he pulled away and briskly shoved everything off of the desk before replacing a hand on the nape of her neck and leaning in to kiss her again.       “Ji-Yong wait” she turned her face away from him.       “What’s wrong?” he panted.       “This. all of this”       He moved his hand down to her bare waist.       “We can’t do this…”       “Is it because of the condom? listen I’ll just pull out before–”       “No! Its not the fucking condom Ji-Yong!”       “Then what is it?”       “Don’t you see? This is exactly why I came to talk to you…I mean aside from apologizing”       “Did you want me to chase you first before all this or–?”       “No you dumbass!” she pushed past him “it’s about what you said to me the last time I saw you Ji-Yong…”       “I’m not even going to pretend to remember what that was” he walked toward her “after we fought I tried to block everything out”       “Ji–” she crossed her arms looking down at her feet “when you said you still….”       “Ohhh…that” he ran a hand through his hair “well I mean–you know I meant it. I could say it again…I’d still mean it”       “No Ji-Yong that’s the problem” she looked up at him “I know you do”       “But?”       “But, I mean look at us! We’re not even together and we’re doing the same shit we did when we were! We fight, we fuck, we make up and then we do the same damn thing over and over again”       “I don’t see the problem here?” he raised an eyebrow.       “I hope you’re kidding” she scoffed “Ji-Yong we–we’re not good for each other. You know that, I know that, hell anybody with eyes that spends ten minutes with us knows that!”       He stayed silent.       “Ji I came here because I want you in my life just as much as you do,but not in this way…”       “Meaning?”       “Meaning, and I already know what you’re going to say, I think we should be in each other’s lives–”       “Still don’t see the problem” he chimed in.       “BUT” she continued “just as friends…”       “No”       “Ji-Yong”       “No”       “Just listen–”       “No Alex, I already told you before I don’t want to be just friends. How are we supposed to pretend the past four years didn’t happen between us? How am I supposed to act like I haven’t seen you in compromising positions?”       She smacked his shoulder “be serious!”       “Am I wrong?!” he rubbed his shoulder “you want me to just throw away all of that? Despite what happened toward the end, you have to admit that there was good stuff mixed in there too. And there’s no chance I will ever forget that; even if I try”       “Ji-Yong” she groaned.       “I can’t Alex, why are you even asking me this again?” he furrowed his brows.       She stayed silent.       “He asked you didn’t he?”       No response.       “You honestly think, had I even said yes that I’d be okay seeing you with him? Let alone another man”       “I just think it’d be good for us to see other people…and still be in each other’s lives. You and I were great friends before any of this mess happened and I want to be able to come to you as a friend like I did before.” she looked at her hands “You know, I’ve been hoping I’d see you with somebody who would love you in the ways I couldn’t….someone who’d be enough for you to let me go”       He clenched his jaw as he thought.       “I guess for both of us to let go…” she mumbled.       “Is that honestly what you want?” he stepped closer “You want to see me happy with someone else?”       She swallowed hard “yes”       He backed her against the wall “and you want to be happy with someone else?” he looked from her eyes to her lips as he pinned her between himself and the wall.       Tilting his head slightly he leaned in closer toward her face making her breath catch in her throat.       “just friends you said right?” he scoffed       “Right” she said trying not to sound shaky.       “We’ll see how well that goes” he pushed himself off against the wall, opening the door to the studio once more, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

[qorillas]

happy d-day it’s a national holiday so i stayed up all night to write y’all a fic and had to go to a 12.5 hour work shift on no sleep so fucking. appreciate this

2000+ words, studoc because this is my house. d-day gives me lots of emotions

When Stuart walks into the living room at 4am for a glass of water, the last thing he is expecting to see is Murdoc digging through a chewed-up cardboard box of old cassettes as if his life depends on it.

“What’re you doing,” he asks bluntly, and it’s a testament to how many things he’s had to put up with over the years that this is phrased like a statement rather than an actual question, and that there’s no real surprise behind his words anymore. Stu’s been through the wringer, okay. You don’t get spirited off to a parallel space dimension and force-fed an entire fridge by an anthropomorphic slice of pizza without losing a bit of astonishment for everyday things like this.

Murdoc looks up, startled, for a second, then plunges his arms back into the box and starts rummaging around loudly again. “Found some old VHS tapes in the back of the garage,” he says, then stops for a second and yanks one out with much more vigor than is strictly needed and a loud clatter. He barks out a victorious laugh and shoves the box off to the side, kicking the tapes he’s already scattered across the floor out of his way and kneeling down in front of the television set. “C’mere, come look at this.”

“‘S 4am, Muds,” Stuart protests, but he shuffles over and plops himself down on the battered couch anyway. “What is it?”

Murdoc has somehow managed to coax the TV set into accepting the VHS tape and is fiddling with the knobs at the bottom of the screen. “Y’know how we got Noodle that video recorder that first Christmas we had her?”

Stu hums in agreement and wraps a throw blanket around himself. He can’t remember much about something back that far, but there’s a faint memory of Noodle tearing open a box and shrieking with delight as she ran around shoving a chunky, early-2000s camcorder in everyone’s faces. “Those her tapes?”

“No, they’re my amateur pornos.” The screen flickers to life and Murdoc settles back on his haunches before looking at him and grinning, illuminated by weak blue light. “Only joshing, I keep those on DVD.”

“Y’know, it says a lot about you that I can’t tell if you’re really joking or not about that.”

“Fuck off, not like I’d let you see ‘em anyway,” Murdoc says, then adds with a leer, “Least, not when you’ve got the real thing right here.” He makes his way back to the couch and settles into the other side, shoving his cold feet under Stuart’s legs and dragging more than half of the blanket over himself.

Stu makes a noise of protest. “Oi, that’s my blanket, get your own.”

“What’s yours is mine, love,” Murdoc says, and Stuart promptly shoves his heel into his crotch. “Argh, for the love of—”

They kick each other for a few seconds before Murdoc relinquishes part of the blanket back, pressing himself closer to Stu so that they can both fit underneath. “Look, you’re missing the whole fucking thing, pay attention.”

“You started it,” Stu mumbles, but leans back, satisfied. On screen, a practice session, probably from the band’s first few months, has already started. The scene isn’t centered in the slightest; half of it is obscured by an amplifier sitting in the way, and every few seconds the camera jolts as a tiny Noodle picks it up and moves it to a new position. She’s obviously sitting on the floor, trying to set it up so that the camera records them as they practice. Finally she manages to set it at an angle where it’s tilted up at the band, and runs out from behind to take her place next to a much younger Stuart, who has his hand down his trousers and is scratching himself, oblivious to the presence of the camera right at his feet.

“Nice,” Murdoc cackles from beside him, and scoots away as Stu aims another kick at him under the blanket. “Absolutely lovely. No, really, look at you, Dents. Satan, what a catch. Twenty years later, and nothing much has changed, eh?”

On the television, Murdoc steps forward into the shot, shoots a furtive glance at Noodle and Stuart, faced away from him, and sticks his hand down his jeans to scratch himself as well.

“Oh, nice,” Stuart parrots back at his own Murdoc, who is looking much more sour now. “Twenty years later and not much has changed, ‘s that what you said, yeah?”

“Will you just — shut up. Not like anybody noticed.”

“Muds, get your hands out your damn pants,” Russel says from somewhere off to the side of the camera. “You touch our instruments with those, nasty-ass—”

Stuart’s snickering and Murdoc’s groan almost drowns out the faltering voice of the Stuart onscreen. The sound is a little bit tinny, but pretty decent for a tape that’s just spent two decades in a moldering cardboard box. “Hey, uh, what song’re we doin’ again, because, uh, I know we just said, but I wanna make sure I’m singing the right one—”

“It’s Re-Hash, idiot, just like it’s been for the past four times.” Although Murdoc’s voice is the same as ever, Stuart notes, the years have had an unmistakable effect on his looks. The bassist plucking at his strings on the television has a much rounder face and tanner skin than the one sitting next to him now, and the red contact that used to be omnipresent in his left eye has long since been discarded. The bags under his eyes are much less pronounced, as well, making him look soft, round and baby-faced in comparison to his current, more angular appearance, although Stuart doesn’t think he’s any less handsome.

Murdoc notices him sizing him up out of the corner of his eye (how he does it, Stuart doesn’t know, since he has no pupils to show where his gaze is lying.) “What?”

“Nothing. Y’look different, that’s all.”

“Twenty years can do that to a person. You’re no spring chicken yourself, mate.”

“No, I know, but I didn’t mean it like bad-different. Just, different-different. You look less like a baby, ‘s what I’m saying. More like a — a velociraptor, or somethin’."

“A velociraptor.”

“Pointy, y’know.” Stuart motions helplessly. “And green.”

Murdoc’s voice is dry. “Pointy and green. What a compliment, 2D, thank you. Really, I appreciate it.”

“Look, I dunno, it’s 4am, Muds, ‘m tired.” Stuart sighs and wraps himself tighter, leaning his head against Murdoc’s shoulder. “Can’t we watch this tomorrow?”

“Hush up,” he says with no real vitriol, and threads his fingers through Stuart’s hair. “I just wanna see this part.”

The light pours off the screen in shades of cyan, casting long shadows across the living room that jump erratically with the occasional roll of static. Stuart likes to watch it, likes the blue darkness that pools in the corners of the room, settles in the folds of his blanket, collects under the fringe near Murdoc’s eyes. He thinks it’s like being swept under a wing, or sleeping in a blanket fort right up against a window, cool and safe, free but protected. Maybe it’s a little bit like what moonlight must feel like, or maybe moonshadows. Something intangible. Something that blankets your heart.

“D’you ever think about what it would have been like if it didn’t happen?”

Murdoc’s voice is low and musing, less of a question than a thought opened to the air. He’s still looking at the screen, and if Stuart hadn’t been paying attention, he might have thought he didn’t say anything at all.

“If I didn’t happen, I mean. To you.”

It’s a question that Stuart’s asked himself periodically over the past twenty years. Sometimes more often, sometimes few and far between. There have been many times that he has looked in the mirror and not recognized himself — he remembers that sometimes, when they were recording the self-titled, or even Demon Days, he would wake up and stumble into the bathroom and start screaming because he had forgotten what had happened to him and he didn’t recognize the black eyed, toothless face that stared back. There have been many times that he has looked at pictures of himself from the past and not recognized himself either — they had all gone to Crawley to visit his mother and the headless Cyborg for his last birthday, and when his mother had brought out the old photo albums Stuart had not for the life of him been able to pick himself out of a group of his school friends. At times he has thought about this question and squashed down the thoughts that roiled up deep inside of him because all the what-ifs and could-haves made him want to vomit. At times he has looked around him, looked at Murdoc, and thought that he would not have wanted it any way else.

Of course he thinks about what it would have been like. Of course. He’s only human, after all.

Onscreen, Noodle interrupts a muffled argument that had broken out between them all with rapid Japanese and launches into the beginning, jangling riffs of Re-Hash. Murdoc’s eyes have still not left the screen, but the question still drifts in the air.

“I think,” says Stuart, “that if you hadn’t happened to me, then everything would be different. But not bad-different. Just. Different-different, right? And maybe — maybe there’s other worlds out there where you didn’t happen t’me, and maybe there’s some where you happened too much. Maybe there’s infinite worlds out there, and everything and everyone that’s happened to me, or you, or anyone, did or didn’t happen, in all the different combinations possible.”

He’s singing now, on the television, and it’s strange to hear his voice coming from the Stuart that he is and the Stuart that he was simultaneously. Re-Hash rolls over them, humming in the background like static:

It’s a sweet sensation over the dub

Oh, what a situation that don’t wanna stop

It’s the drugstore soul boy over the dub

With the sweetest inspiration, we don’t wanna stop

“The point is,” he continues, and the light is stretched across Murdoc’s face now as he looks down at him, piercing and straight on, curving electric down his cheek, stark against his dark eyes, “that I do think about it. It’s something that happened, and not something anyone can ignore. And sometimes I’m happy about it, ‘n sometimes I’m sad, and mostly I don’t know. But I can’t change it, and you can’t change it, ‘cause this is our reality, right? All we can do is make peace with it, really. ‘S different-different, and for me, at least, I think that’s okay.”

It is very quiet, the barest hint of music floating out towards them from the video. Then Murdoc nods, and gently presses his lips to Stuart’s temple.

“Guess you’ve changed over the past twenty years too, Stu.” The pad of Murdoc’s thumb brushes Stuart’s cheek, and Stuart lets his head fall to press against Murdoc’s chest, feeling his heart beat as the TV plays, and thinks that, just maybe, Murdoc had to happen to him, like someone out there’s writing their lives out like a story, like no matter what, it couldn’t ever have been any other way. Maybe that makes them soulmates, he supposes. Just a little bit.

He can hear his own voice singing in tandem with Noodle’s, and Russel’s, and Murdoc’s on the television. He’s always liked Re-Hash, because it was the first song they ever wrote and performed together as a band, and because it’s the only song where they all sing together as one, his own voice pressing them forward, Russel steady underneath, Murdoc rumbling low at the bottom, and Noodle skating over the top. Stuart leans back into the couch, facing the television again, watching himself crowded around a battered microphone with Noodle and Murdoc, Russel at his drumset in the back. He reaches up to the hand cupping his cheek, twining his fingers into it, and he squeezes gently, and softly, tentatively, Murdoc squeezes back.

The darkness crouches in the corners like a lingering embrace, the light spilling bright across the two of them together in comforting blues, and in that moment, everything that has ever happened is meant to be.

[honeybeetrash]

Fluffy Pink Socks

Pairing/Characters: Dean x Cas , Sam

Word count : 2,411

Warnings: fluff, slight swearing, mention of masturbation, may be OOC, kissing. 

A/N: This is for @kdfrqqg writing challenge! This is also my first time writing a fic so I apologise if it sucks. Beta’d by a close friend of mine.

Prompt: I have something that I need to confess.

Ever since Cas lost his grace and became human, he kept getting sick. It’s one of the many human things that Cas doesn’t like. Other than being sore and feeling like shit, what Cas doesn’t like about being ill is that he couldn’t join the brothers for a hunt. He had to stay home and rest, maybe do a little bit of research for them when needed. On the other hand, Dean just mostly wants to take care of Cas but doesn’t want to leave his brother alone on the hunt, so he made sure Cas is comfortable on his bed with medicine and water at his side before leaving.

“If you need anything, or if anything happens at all, call me alright? O-or Sam. We’ll be back in a week okay?” Dean said gently Cas.

“Of course, Dean.” Cas replied, touched by his concern.

Just as he was about to leave Cas’ room, he spun around, pointing his finger at Cas.

“And don’t leave the bunker till we come back, capisce?”

“I capisce.”

“W-well, okay. Just make sur-”

“Sure to call you or Sam if anything happens or if I need anythi-.”

Cas starts coughing violently, making Dean rush back to his side, passing him the water he had placed earlier beside him. He made sure Cas took a few sips before placing it back carefully.

“Don’t worry, Dean. I won’t be going anywhere. I’ll be here, when you come back home. Now, don’t you have a world to save?”

Cas shoots him a small, weak smile.

Dean replied with an equally weak smile. He couldn’t bear leaving a sick Cas behind without feeling too anxious. He was worried about Cas more than he was worried about himself, but couldn’t express it well to Cas.

“Well, okay uh- I’m- I’m going to go now. Sammy’s probably done packing. I’ll see you, Cas.”

I love you he wanted to say.

“See you, Dean.”

Dean walked out of his room hesitantly, looking back at Cas with a bit of worry and fondness in his eyes. He finally managed to force himself to shut the door leaving Cas behind. Cas looked at door, now shut tightly, with a smile still plastered on his face.

I love you he wanted to say.

He closed his eyes, slowly drifting into a deep slumber, with the rhythmic and gentle footsteps of Dean walking in the hallway lulling him to sleep. Finally, he heard the bunker door closing, leaving him only to hear his own breathing echo throughout the room.

Two days passed and Cas’ condition worsened. He felt like shit, like he was on the verge of dying. Well of course, him on death’s door was just an over exaggeration on his parts. Perhaps he was just dying of loneliness.

Dean told him to call anytime, so Cas did as Dean said. He called multiple times, endlessly, most of the time without a good reason. He would be lying if he said that he hadn’t purposely called Dean just to hear Dean’s concerned voice. Definitely.

“Dean, I-I think I’m dying. I can’t breathe.”

“Don’t scare me like that Cas! Are you really?”

“No. It’s a lie.”

Dean started nagging at Cas like a mother. Cas enjoyed the short attention he received.

“Dean, we are running out of honey.”

“Okay Cas, we’ll buy more when we are on our way home.”

One time it was 2 am in the morning and Cas’ phone started ringing. It was an unexpected call from an unexpected caller, Dean. Cas didn’t hesitate to answer the call.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Cas… I knew you were awake.”

“Yes. I’m in Sam’s room.”

“Sammy’s room?” Dean asked suspiciously. “Doing what?”

“Netflix. …How is it going there?” Cas didn’t want to sound nosy but he too was worried about Dean (and Sam).

“Oh! Everything is going smoothly. Just wanted to check on you. Well I’ll get going.” Dean’s voice sounded relief upon hearing Cas’ answer about what it was he was doing in Sam’s room. He hung up knowing Cas was doing fine.

Cas sighed heavily while putting his phone down. It had only been 2 days but he was already missing Dean terribly. (Along with Sam, of course). The thing that he didn’t tell Dean was that he was actually in Dean’s Metallica T-shirt, pink fluffy sock but also the most unforgivable part, he was in Dean’s underwear.

Lying down on Sam’s bed, with the comforting noise from the TV, he closed his eyes, reminiscing all the many small but unimaginably precious moments he had shared with Dean. There was a time where he was sent to Earth under God’s command to save the righteous man and fulfill his mission. That time is now long gone. Time passed and things have changed and now, he never felt welcome in Heaven. He felt more at home with the Winchesters. He then thought about how he was to glad he had pulled Dean from hell. If it hadn’t been for that, he wouldn’t have a home now. Wouldn’t have anybody.

That night he did a deed that many men do, alone.

The same routine followed throughout the week – Cas in Sammy’s room wearing Dean’s clothes and fluffy pink socks along with his underwear, binge watching The Wire, until Dean calls him.

“Hey Cas, we’re on our way home now. Will be there in a few hours.”

The line went off and Cas felt empty. He felt that it was too long that they were gone. Dean’s words lingers in his ears. He longed for company.  

Cas hurriedly changed into his own clothes . It was too embarrassing! He doesn’t want Dean knowing that he wore his clothes during his absence. The ex-angel didn’t know what to do with the clothes so he stuffed them under his bed. I’ll try to do the laundry later, he thought to himself.

It was late evening when the bunker door creaked and opened, revealing the 2 handsome but terribly worn out brothers. Bruises and cuts were visible on their faces. There were probably more hidden under the layers of clothing they wore. A slight pang of sadness shot through Cas’ heart. If only he still had his grace…

“Cas, even if you don’t have your mojo anymore, that doesn’t mean you’re useless, alright? Me, Sam and other hunters have saved many lives and we never had any superpowers. Well… other than Sam with the whole demon blood thing – but that’s not the point. It’s going to take time, getting used to thi- this human life I’m sure, but you will get there eventually. I’ll help you along the way. With Sammy too, obviously.”

Recalling what Dean said, he then smiled with his teeth, greeting the brothers.

“Hello, Dean. Sam.”

“Hey.” Sam casually walks over to Cas, giving him a short hug.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean tried to act cool and placed his duffle bag on the map table. He starts rummaging through his bag.

“You feeling better?” Sam checks in on Cas.

“Yes.” Because Dean is here.

“Alright, I’m gonna hit the hay for a while.” Sam grabbed his stuffs and starts heading back to his room. Dean walked over to Cas, with a small jar in his hand.

“Here.” Dean passed the jar without looking at Cas but Cas noticed Dean’s ears getting red. It’s his favourite honey. Cas smiles widely, looking at Dean who was avoiding eye contact.

“Thank you, Dean.“ Cas wrapped his arms around Dean, giving him a tight hug. Dean stumbled a little, not expecting it. A smile formed on his lips and his cheeks flushed. He hugs back wrapping his arms tighter around Cas who was a bit smaller than him in size.

“Yeah sure.” They stayed in each other arms for a few seconds. Cas was the first to let go.

“Well, I’m sure you’re tired from the long drive. Go have some rest.”

“Alright.”

While the brothers are sleeping, Cas attempts doing the laundry.

The following day, things carried on as per normal. Sam went for his morning run while Dean cooks breakfast. Cas… well, he eventually got better and spent his time reading in the bunker’s library. The rest of the day went by as usual. It was as if the brothers never left.

Until night comes.

It was bedtime and everyone was supposed to be sleeping. It got a little cold in the bunker and Dean opens his wardrobe, to get his fluffy pink socks. He bought it recently and intended to wear them when it gets cold.

“It’s the last pair they’ve got”, Dean would say if Sam were to tease him about the cheesy pink colour the socks were in. Obviously, it was just an excuse. He actually really really wanted those socks.

Dean went to search at the back of the wardrobe where he hid it. His hands froze.

“Where the fuck…” he cursed silently. He starts rummaging through with a slight panic.

It’s gone.

“Sammy!” Dean strode off to his baby brother’s room. Sam opens the door, already in his bed hair.

“Have you happened to see my socks?”

“What socks?”

“The fluffy one.”

“What?” Sam blinked slowly in confusion over the topic that got him out of bed.

“The pink one! Argh… forget it.” Dean groaned.

Sam suppressed his smile looking at brother’s panic over a missing pair of pink fluffy socks. What a sight, he thought.  But he forced himself not to start teasing, in fear of getting knocked out by his irritated brother.

“Have you asked Cas?”

“Yeah, going to.” He tone softened when Sam mentioned Cas.

“Anyway, why do you have a pink -”

“It’s the last the pair, alright! I’m gonna find Cas.” Dean cuts off Sam before he could complete his question. Dean strode off.

Sam shook his head sleepily and went to bed.

Cas’ door was slightly ajar. There wasn’t much light shining through the door. Cas has probably switched off the main light and turned on his bedside lamp. Dean knocked quietly and opened the door.

“Hey Cas…”

Dean froze halfway. His eyes went wide, shocked to see what was in front of him.

“…What… Cas…”

He couldn’t believe his eyes.

From the dimly lit room, he could see that it was Cas sitting on his bed. In Dean’s Metallica t-shirt, with a pink fluffy sock wrapped around one foot and his hand reaching out to put on the other sock. Dean’s eyes made its way down to Cas’ hips.

Oh god.

He’s in my underwear.

Cas froze. They both froze. Everything froze. Cas thought he could spend another night in Dean’s clothes, well obviously he was wrong. Very wrong. He had intended to return the socks to its original place but it was too comfortable that he gave in to the temptation to wear it for one last night. He thought he wouldn’t get caught.  He didn’t want to get caught. Especially wearing Dean’s underwear.

“Cas… why are you wearing my shirt? And my pink socks? And…” Dean couldn’t deny that he was confused at the bizarre sight but felt extremely flattered at the sexy sight. Cas looked really adorable in his clothes, he thought.

Cas placed the other sock that he was holding down, beside him. His shoulder started to slouch. This is it, he thought.

“I have something that I need to confess.”

Dean just stares at Cas in confusion.

Cas took a deep breath. “When you left for the hunt, I started to… miss you… so I went to your room and your scent somehow comforted me. Made my sickness bearable too. I started to… borrow your clothing. I saw the pink socks as I was rummaging through your wardrobe and it was really fluffy… so I borrowed it too since my feet got cold.”

Dean said nothing.

Cas stood up. I feel pathetic, he thought. He started removing the sock from his foot.

“I’m sorry Dean. - I-I’ll go change now. I shouldn’t wear -” Cas started babbling an apology.

Dean walked up to Cas, his cheeks is flushed now. He missed me? And does he mean…

“Cas…”

Cas instantly shut his mouth, preparing himself for any outburst from Dean.

“I missed you too.”

Dean cupped Cas’ cheek with one his hand, the other resting lightly on Cas’ hip. Both gazing in each other eyes. Cas’ breath hitched when Dean started rubbing small soft circles on his hip. Dean began leaning in slowly, brushing his lips softly against Cas’ before letting go. Cas froze.

“And I think you look cute in my clothes” Dean couldn’t stop staring.

Cas looks down shyly, his ears start to turn slight red.

“You’re not angry?” He looked up at Dean, a slight fear in his eyes.

“Of course not.” Dean’s face softened and he looked lovingly at the man he cherished.

Cas smiled and they both started laughing together. The room was cold but they felt warm.

“I’m okay with you wearing my clothes and my socks and even underwear.” Dean and burst into another small shy laughter.

“Okay, Dean.” Cas chuckled.

Dean leaned in again, both of their eyes fluttering closed and gave Cas a slow, long kiss. This time, Cas kissed back. Dean pulls away, both eyes gazed at each other in affection.

Dean puts his hand on Cas’ shoulders and pulling both of their bodies on the bed. Cas was shocked but followed the flow. The closeness and intimacy of the touch made him felt a comfort he hadn’t felt in a long time.

They just lay on the bad facing each other in the dim light. Dean pulled Cas closer and Cas buried his face into Dean’s warm chest. He heaved in Dean’s scent. They pulled each other closer.

“I missed you.” Dean’s voice cracked as he whispered to Cas whose face was planted into his chest. Cas could feel Dean heart beating fast.

“I love you Dean,” Cas whispered softly. His voice muffled in Dean’s chest. Dean kissed Cas’ fluffy forehead.

“I loved you for a long time you know” He said in the most gentle voice Cas had ever heard in spoke in.

That night, they slept in each other’s embrace, never letting each other go. It was the best sleep they had had. The morning light came in warming them up. It was a new day that they would both face together, from now onwards and for many more times to come.

End

[k-realm-scenarios]

Rose - Part Three

In which you begin a relationship with Bang Yongguk amidst and despite a difficult time. [TW: PANIC DISORDER/MENTAL ILLNESS]

B.A.P. Bang Yongguk - Part I, Part II

2227 Words

That day, Yongguk had taken you home and, upon realizing that you lived alone, proceeded to care after you through the worst of your fever. He slept on a makeshift bed at the foot of your bed, sleeping lightly, and waking with every sound you made. After a good twenty hours of sleep, you felt better than ever.

“How long have you been living alone?” Yongguk asked.

You were having lunch in a tiny restaurant down the street from your apartment complex. Yongguk sat beside you, his hand resting over yours.

“A little over a year.”

“Where are you from? What are you doing all the way in Incheon?”

You told him how you had taken a job in an academy as a foreign language instructor in Seoul, only to find out that the year-long contract they had promised you was actually only for three months. You couldn’t afford the living expenses in the capital, so you’d moved to Incheon.

“The plan was to save up enough money to go home, but I ended up really loving my job here.”

“As a barista?”

You nodded, smiling his smile. “Funny, isn’t it, how life just takes you down a different path from what you originally planned.”

Yongguk agreed. He watched you eat in silence for a few minutes before asking, “Are you happy?”

Pausing with a spoonful of soup halfway up to your mouth, you blinked at him. Redirecting your hand, you fed him, adding more side dishes as you went. Yongguk tried to keep up with you, accepting the food you gave him, but soon enough, his cheeks bulged and he could not take any more bites.

“Argh, stop!”

It was the first time he had ever raised his voice, the first time he’d become annoyed. His shout had drawn the eyes of several other patrons. You stared at him, eyes wide. Yongguk chewed, swallowing hard and clearing his throat.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

You started laughing. At first, your laugh was tiny giggles, but it soon had you shaking, wiping tears from your eyes. You reached over, taking Yongguk’s face in between your hands, squeezing his cheeks until his lips puckered.

Smiling, you said, “Yes, I am happy. Especially now, in this moment.”

Your honesty doused him like a refreshing ocean breeze. He found himself wanting to submerge himself in the ocean that was you, to let you engulf him in your simple, beautiful way of living.

The intimacy the roses had established between you deepened as the days went by. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Yongguk would go to the café and you would present him with a rose each day.

He would smile now, a tiny thing that was not yet happy, but no longer entirely sad.

Yongguk stopped staying late. He would sit by the window for a couple of hours, write, and then leave. You knew he was leaving earlier for your sake, so you often managed to go home before it became too late.

However, you no longer took the bus. You dialed Yongguk’s number and he would be there by the time you clocked out. You would smile at the sight of him, embracing him tightly, closely.

“You worked hard today!”

“Shouldn’t I be saying that?”

You would look up at him, grinning. “You worked hard today.”

Yongguk would hold you closer, thanking you without saying anything.

You still did not know what his circumstances were, and you did not press him for information. You weren’t quite sure if you two were intimate friends or something more, but you didn’t have a need to label it. What existed between the two of you was strictly yours.

In fact, you did not know he was part of B.A.P. until you happened to see one of their performances on the wide television at work. You were in the middle of wiping down tables when the force of the song caught your attention. You looked up just in time to see a close up of Daehyun as he threw himself back in a freefall.

You became so engrossed in their performance that you did not notice the moment Yongguk walked into the shop. You didn’t even notice him come to stand beside you. You stood with your hands on the table, staring up at the screen.

“Oh, that’s cool,” you said under your breath, taking a step back and spinning in an attempt to mimic the parachuting dance move.

“That’s not how it goes,” Yongguk said.

You screamed, stumbling back into a chair. “What’s wrong with you?! You nearly killed me!”

Yongguk tried not to, but he ended up laughing. It was deep and full, creasing his cheeks, softening his expression. It was also silly and dorky. You realized then that his smile was a beautiful gummy smile.

You stared in shock.

“Sorry,” he laughed, hiding his smile behind his hand. “Really, I’m sorry.”

He helped you straighten up, trying to keep his laughter at bay and failing. Your cheeks flushed, not because you were embarrassed that he’d seen your flimsy attempt at dancing, but because his laughter was everything and more than you’d ever imagined.

“How long were you standing there?”

“Since Zelo’s dance break.”

You blinked. “Who?”

That only made him start laughing all over again. He took your cheeks in his hands, pinching them softly.

“You’re too cute.”

“Who’s Zelo?”

Yongguk nearly lost it again.

Later that same day, you and Yongguk where in your apartment making dinner. Unconsciously, you kept humming Skydive, much to Yongguk’s amusement.

“You seem to like that song.”

“It’s catchy.” You stole the piece of strawberry he was about to eat. “I can’t remember the name of the song or the group, though.”

Yongguk’s shoulders shook from withheld laughter. “Skydive by B.A.P.”

You looked it up and downloaded it. “If I stream it, it’s good right?”

“You’re not big on K-Pop,” he laughed.

“I know some songs,” you pouted, “I kind of like that new group…Seventeen? I think that’s their name?”

Yongguk smiled again. His gummy smile was honest, reaching his eyes and making them sparkle. You didn’t know what it was that made him so happy, but you wanted him to continue smiling forever.

“You should watch B.A.P.’s music video.”

“The one for Skydive?”

He thought for a moment. “No, that one’s a little too dark to begin with. Try Feel So Good.”

“Okay. Feel So Good, you said?”

You leaned against the counter. “Oh, this looks funky.”

Yongguk moved to stand beside you, throwing his arm over your shoulder, pulling you close against him. You settled into his side, resting your head on his chest. You could feel him shaking with silent giggles.

Twelve seconds in, you screamed.

“Yongguk! T-that was Yongguk!”

Yongguk lost it. He laughed so hard he ended up on the ground. Worried that he might stop breathing, you knelt down beside him, trying your best to calm him down while Feel So Good played in the background.

And that’s how you found out that Bang Yongguk was the leader of B.A.P. The revelation of his identity as an idol opened the door for conversations that you never imagined you would share.

Nestled in his arms on the sofa, with a blanket wrapped around you both, your back to his chest, he told you about his years as a trainee, of his project with Zelo, and of how they lost a member before their official debut that left them all feeling confused and a little more than sad.

He shared the memories of debut, the hardships of being an idol, the loneliness of being a leader. Yongguk elaborated on the close bonds he’d made with his members, his friends, his brothers. When he said he would love no one more or better than his members, you believed him. And you were glad that he could love someone that deeply.

As the night grew old, you learned more about who Bang Yongguk was as a person and as a celebrity. You soon realized how one influenced the other, and understood that whatever he was dealing with now had a lot to do with the stress and struggles he’d been facing from an early age.

“Panic disorder,” he sighed, “that’s what I was diagnosed with in October.”

“Is that why you’re not with your members right now?”

“Mm.” He paused. “We decided it was best for me to get treatment. The members are working hard.”

You laced your fingers through his slowly then brought his hand up to your lips, kissing it softly. He hadn’t said it, but you’d heard it anyway, the deep guilt of missing out during promotions, of leaving his group for the sake of getting better.

You didn’t know much about panic disorders, however you did know a thing or two about taking on too much all at once. Nothing in comparison to his struggles, you could never match up to that, but you knew that working harder than anyone else sometimes left you feeling underappreciated and nervous.

Something told you that there was not much you could do for Bang Yongguk’s condition. Panic disorders were something best left to psychiatrists. You also knew that Yongguk did not expect you to magically cure him from his disorder.

No, you both had a solid head on your shoulders that comprehended the reality and gravity of the situation. All you could do was encourage him as best as you could.

You turned around, facing him. The proximity made your heart race, you felt your palms become clammy.

“Bang Yongguk.”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

“H-huh?”

“Yes or no, you have three seconds to answer. One!”

“Are you serious?”

“Two!”

“Yes!” He hugged you close. “Yes, I do!”

“Oh my gosh,” you giggled, “I’m dating a K-Pop idol!”

Yongguk groaned. “Shut up.”

“So can I watch Skydive now?”

“Sure. But I shoot people and die in that MV.”

“You what?!”

Yongguk laughed and smiled and laughed, and you fell deeper and deeper in love with this beautiful, broken, courageous man.

Dating Bang Yongguk consisted of spontaneous trips to the beach, daring each other to go into the cold winter ocean and chasing one another across the sand. Yongguk wasn’t very fast or nimble despite his long legs. He spent more time laughing and looking over his shoulder than he did running.

It consisted of you taking a well-deserved, well-earned sabbatical to spend more time with him. Following him around Incheon at any hour, learning about him and his interests, and eventually teasing him out of his revolutionary way of thinking had become a daily occurrence.

You loved listening to Yongguk, but his passion sometimes threatened his state of mind. You learned to identify the subtle changes in his demeanor, the too fervent way of speaking, the sudden hitch in his breathing, and the jittering of his hands. Yongguk had clued you in on these warning sings, and you were ever so careful and gentle when steering him away from whatever might trigger him.

Usually, a tiny, teasing word, look, or touch would distract him long enough for him to regain his composure. It wasn’t perfect, and he would sometimes have to remove himself from your surroundings in order to better deal with it on his own, but it was something, however small, that helped.

Dating Bang Yongguk also included early morning dates and late night movies. It was visiting museums that the world seemed to forget, volunteering at the animal shelter, visiting the senior center, and delivering coal to the old neighborhoods.

You never imagined that dating someone like Yongguk would open your eyes to what really mattered in life. Your heart softened, warming and loving a lot quicker, a lot deeper. Every stranger you walked by on the street had their own struggles, their own demons.

“Be careful,” Yongguk warned after a visit to the animal shelter, “caring is good, but remember that there is such a thing as caring too much.”

He caressed your cheek, tucking your hair behind your ear. You looked up at him, nodding your understanding.

Dating Bang Yongguk was all of this and more, but loving Bang Yongguk was a different matter altogether.

Loving Yongguk was looking into his eyes as he spoke, drowning in the bass that was his voice. It was reaching over to touch his face lightly with gentle fingertips to reassure yourself that he existed, that he was indeed sitting before you. It was melting at the sight of his smile, your heart swelling at the tenderness in which he gazed at you.

Loving him was gifting him a rose every day until he begged you not to and still doing it anyway. It was hand sewing him a tiny Tigger that smelled of roses and that he could carry around in his pocket. Loving Yongguk was watching over his sleep when he dosed off in your apartment and staying with him on the phone as he made his way home on late nights.

Loving Bang Yongguk was understanding that come the New Year, he would not be around anymore.

Each day, Yongguk grew stronger, better. When he told you that he would be meeting with his members and that he would like for you to meet them if possible, you sensed the beginning of the end.

[-Admin Lockette]

Part IV

[yaksokhaeyo]

Lucky

Request: there was none lol i just wanted to write a chanyeol fluff fluffy scenario when chanyeol’s s/o is on her period and he helps out however he can :))

admin k: this may or may not have been inspired by real life struggles :’)

genre: fluff

word count: 2427

pairing: chanyeol x reader

“Jagiya? Are you in here?”

Chanyeol walked into his girlfriend’s apartment one Friday morning to find himself enveloped by complete silence.

“Huh.” Shutting the door behind him and putting his key back in his pocket, Chanyeol found his way to her bedroom. Standing in front of the closed door, Chanyeol lightly rapped his knuckles against it and softly called out, “Jagiya?”

There wasn't even a groan of acknowledgement, which made the Park frown in concern.

“[Name], I'm coming in.” Without another word, Chanyeol slowly pushed the door open, inviting himself into his girlfriend's personal sanctuary. The room was still completely dark, due to the fact that [Name]'s heavy black curtains kept out 95% of the sunshine. Said woman was nothing more than a curled up ball of blankets and pillows, lying in the center of her bed with a pained expression on her face.

“[Name]? What's wrong?” Seeing [Name]'s contorted face, fetal position, and hearing her small moans, Chanyeol couldn't help but worry himself as he sat next to her, brushing her hair out of her shut eyes. He was answered by a stirring, and [Name] opened her eyes just a little bit to look up at her boyfriend.

“Chanyeol,” she said softly, bringing her hands up to her face. “What are you doing here?”

“I came over to check up on you. You told me you were feeling shit yesterday, how are you feeling now?”

“Even worse.” [Name] struggled to sit up, but each movement she made was accompanied by a groan of pain and extra, sudden jerky movements, which resulted in Chanyeol having to steady her with his own hands.

“Are you okay?” he asked seriously, looking over her to see what was wrong. She waved him away with a shake of her head, insisting that it was nothing.

“It's just my period… I'll be fine soon,” said [Name] weakly, feeling both tired and grotty.

“Your period has you looking this bad?!” said Chanyeol in an incredulous voice. “Are you serious?!”

“Chanyeol, please,” said [Name] weakly. “It's not a joke. I've told you I have back pains when it comes to this time.”

“How does your period relate to your back, though?” asked Chanyeol, intrigued at [Name]'s state. The [Surname] sighed and made to lie down again, shaking her head at the Park.

“It just does, okay? I don't know why you're hanging around in here, either. Isn't the smell getting to you?”

Curious, Chanyeol sniffed the air, wondering what kind if odour [Name] was referring to.

“No, I don't smell anything. But you don't look okay… is there anything I can do for you?”

[Name], who had closed her eyes to try and find some sleep after a restless night, sighed in defeat. She wasn't going to be getting any sleep with Chanyeol around.

“I'm all sweaty and gross. Can you help me up?”

“How bad is your back that you can't even get up on your own?” asked Chanyeol, standing up and getting ready to help the ailing woman out.

“Super bad.” [Name] sat up, groaning every second, and flung herself into Chanyeol’s awaiting arms to get a grip before she could maneuver her legs off of the bed.

“Ah, really,” said Chanyeol disapprovingly, clucking his tongue as he helped [Name] slowly get to her feet. “I feel like I'm helping my grandma up!”

“Stop,” pleaded [Name], who was past the point of angry in her period. Now, she was just tired, and all she wanted to do was shower, sit down, and put her feet up. Work for the last few days had been killer: not only had it been super busy, but she had also had to do overtime on top of having the worst period cramps she'd ever experienced in her life.

Chanyeol, seeing the genuine suffering in [Name]'s eyes, dropped his joking and began to be more attentive to her as she stood on her own.

“My feet are so sore,” she grumbled, putting one hand on her back as she began to walk away from Chanyeol. “Everything hurts.”

As she walked away, Chanyeol caught sight of the back of her pyjama pants, which was stained a dark red, almost brown colour, remnants of last night's blood flow. Out of curiosity, the Park glanced over at her bed as well, and saw a similar sight on her bedsheets.

Wow, do girls really lose that much blood?

“[Name]-yah, is there anything you need?” Chanyeol called to [Name] as she made her way to the shower, still straggling along.

Wordlessly, [Name] waved a hand at him over her shoulder as she reached the bathroom, stepping in and shutting the door behind herself.

“Don't lock the door!” Chanyeol hurried to the bathroom and knocked on the door quickly, prompting [Name] to unlock it and stick her head out.

“Why?”

“Just in case you need something,” said Chanyeol, giving [Name] the thumbs up. “Just call me if you need anything. Okay?”

“Dont worry. I will.”

***

The rest of the day was spent with [Name] and Chanyeol on the couch, talking as the former had her laptop on her arm rest and shared her attention between her boyfriend and her screen, with Chanyeol occasionally consoling her when her uterus decided to play up.

Soon, it was dusk, and [Name] looked at Chanyeol to see if he would start to head out soon. But the Park, who had made himself comfortable watching TV with his head on [Name]’s lap, didn’t look like he was going anywhere anytime soon.

“What time will you be going home?” asked [Name] casually, knowing that Chanyeol’s curfew was non-existent. After all, since he lived by himself as well, he had no one to answer to for his disappearance.

Chanyeol looked up at his girlfriend, blinking slowly.

“I am home,” he said blankly, making [Name] laugh.

“Ah, that again? Your clothes are in the bottom drawer in my room,” chuckled the [Surname], shaking her head as she refocused on her laptop. “Grab a towel from the hallway and you can get changed in there after you wash up.”

“Are you implying that I smell?”

“No, of course not,” snorted [Name], waving away Chanyeol’s accusations as he sat up and glared at her playfully, arms crossed. “I’m only telling you in case you want to shower. The more you know, right? God knows how many times you’ve left your clothes here. Your toothbrush is still in the bathroom as well.”

“Ah, I love leaving my stuff here,” said Chanyeol with a loud sigh, lying back down on [Name]’s lap with his arms behind his head.

“Argh, Chanyeol-” [Name] closed her laptop and put it aside as the lanky male’s arms threatened to knock it off the couch, and slapped her palms against his cheeks.

“You know your apartment is my home away from home, right?” said Chanyeol with a bright smile, outstretching his arms with a loud yawn. “It’s my getaway from everything. I love it here.”

“I’m glad you do,” chuckled [Name], wincing as another pain struck her. “We’ve done nothing all day and now we have nothing for dinner. What do you want to eat? I’ll make us something.”

“I refuse to let you,” said Chanyeol looking up at [Name] and wagging a finger in her face. “I also refuse to make something. But I’m willing to pay for something to be delivered. McDonald’s?”

“Why not,” chortled [Name], smacking Chanyeol to get off so she could stand up. “Mind you, I’m feeling very hungry, so are you sure you want to pay for it?”

Chanyeol shot [Name] a looked that equalled, “Really?”

Unfazed by Chanyeol’s offer, [Name] said, “I’ll pay for the delivery, you pay for the food. How does that sound?”

With a sigh, Chanyeol said, “Whatever makes you feel better.”

“You can order the food now, I’m going for a shower.” [Name] flinched as she lifted Chanyeol off of her legs and made to stand up, holding onto the armrest for support. Chanyeol grabbed her hand and helped her to her feet, frowning as she stood up and stretched with a loud yawn.

“Doing nothing all day really tires you out,” she said, twisting around to try and mobilise her stiff back. “Ahh, ouch. Fuck.”

She began to hobble towards the bathroom as Chanyeol pulled out his phone, ready to order lots of food just for her.

“Okay, let’s see what we can eat… I don’t know how hungry she is so I’ll just buy her a bunch of burgers and curly fries… some nuggets… oh, yeah, she’d like some chicken wings as well, some churros… and ice cream…”

Adding half of the available menu to his order, by the time Chanyeol was done selecting food for himself and [Name] to enjoy, the amount it cost him was laughable.

“Half an hour,” said the Park to himself, reading his receipt of confirmation. “Half an hour.”

Swinging his legs off of the couch, Chanyeol made his way to the bathroom, where [Name] had left the door ajar.

As he walked past, he heard a whimper from the shower, and ducked his head through the door almost immediately.

“[Name], are you okay?” he called out, looking towards the shower, seeing [Name]'s silhouette behind the drawn white curtain. She appeared to be clutching onto the wall for support, with one hand tightly gripped onto her lower back.

“Yeah, I'm okay,” called out the [Surname] weakly. However, when she didn't move after that, Chanyeol walked into the bathroom and over to the shower, cautious of [Name]'s condition.

“[Name], are you sure?”

[Name] let out a groan and threw her head back, making Chanyeol flinch. He watched as her hand slithered up the wall to the faucet and switched off the water, before bringing it back down to support herself standing.

“Can you do me a favour?”

“Yes, what is it?”

“Can you please bring me my towel?”

“Yeah, of course. Here.” In one fluid motion, Chanyeol grabbed [Name]'s towel from the rack and handed it to her behind the curtain, waiting for her to take it from him. Slowly but eventually, [Name] managed to take the towel from her boyfriend, and it was then that she faced her next challenge: actually putting it on.

“Fuck,” whispered the [Surname] under her breath as she fumbled with the towel, still holding onto the wall with one hand. She struggled for a few minutes, unable to put the towel behind her. Frustration getting the best of her, [Name] leapt in surprise when she felt Chanyeol’s hand pulling her towel around her, and looked around at him.

“Chan- what the hell are you doing?”

[Name]'s frustrations evaporated as she burst into laughter at the sight of Chanyeol with his hoodie drawn across his face, covering his eyes so that he didn't have to see [Name]'s bare body. He carefully moved his hands around her body, avoiding touching anywhere she wouldn't want him, and succeeded in tying the towel around her front.

“Are you fully covered?” he asked seriously, hands on [Name]'s shoulders as he waited for permission to remove his hood.

“Oh my god, you're such a dork,” giggled [Name], turning around and untying the strings that held his hoodie together. “You're acting as if you've never seen me naked before.”

Chanyeol blinked as [Name] removed his hood, and smiled at her.

“I had your permission those times,” was his reply. “I didn't know whether or not you'd want me to see you in the shower, so I decided to play it safe.”

[Name] smiled as she held onto the Park for support, and beckoned for him to lean down so that she could kiss him tenderly.

“I love you,” she said breathlessly, wrapping her arms around Chanyeol's waist. Not caring that she was soaking wet, Chanyeol accepted her hug and kissed the top of her head, holding her close.

“I love you too, [Name],” he said as she removed herself from him. “Come on, I'll help you to the room.”

[Name] nodded as Chanyeol put an arm around her waist and began to guide her towards her bedroom, coming alive with chatter again.

“You wouldn't have minded if I had just come behind the curtain and seen you naked like that?”

“Hmm, if you had asked then I guess I wouldn't have. You could've just done that instead of covering your eyes and feeling around blindly.”

“I thought about that, but you would've rejected my help and stayed stuck in there for ten more minutes.”

“You know me so well. I'm glad you did that, Yeol. Thanks.”

“Anything for you, [Name].”

The doorbell rang, and Chanyeol's head popped up in excitement.

“I'll transfer you delivery money during dinner,” called out [Name] as the Park excitedly headed for the door.

“I don't want it!” he called over his shoulder as he opened the door and greeted the delivery man. “Hi!”

“Delivery for Miss [Surname] [Name]?”

“Yeah, she's just in the room. I'll take the food for her.”

“What did you get?” called out [Name] as Chanyeol took the bags of food from the delivery, bowing to him in thanks.

“Everything!” he called cheerfully, backing away from the door and shutting it behind him. Walking over to the dining table, Chanyeol lay all the food out for him and [Name], leaving most of it on her side.

Minutes later, the [Surname] emerged from the hallway and into the living room/kitchen, and gasped at the sight of all the food on the table.

“Are you seriously going to eat all this?!” she exclaimed, sitting across from the Park. He grinned and shook his head, pushing most of it towards her.

“No. You are,” he said with a bright smile, grabbing a burger and beginning to eat. “I put dessert in the fridge for later. If you get hungry tonight, just let me know and I'll go down to the store for you.”

[Name] simpered at her boyfriend's words, and leaned across the table. Pushing his burger away, [Name] planted her lips on Chanyeol's, enveloping him in a deep, passionate kiss.

“Do you know how much I love you right now?” she said gratefully, pinching the Park's cheeks. “Thank you, Channy. I love you so much.”

Chanyeol flushed and smiled, his cheeks going bright red.

“It's nothing,” he insisted as [Name] sat back down. “Enjoy your meal!”

[Name]'s heart fluttered as she watched Chanyeol devour his food, thinking:

I'm so lucky to have you.

[laurabwrites]

MarsCon

Partner, Metamour, and I went to MarsCon last weekend, which is a little literary convention in Williamsburg, VA. I went to a few panels while Partner and Metamour spent most of their time in the board gaming room. It's a fun, chill convention. Since it's smaller (let's be honest, my benchmarks are Dragon*Con and GenCon — anything is going to seem small in comparison) there's less rushing to get across X hotels to go to the next panel which is really nice. The hotel we stayed at was less than a mile from the convention hotel which feels like short enough of a walk that I feel guilty when I drive between them, but gods damn, 10 or 11 at night in the middle of January is cold. So, you know, more driving than let's me pretend to be a decent environmentalist.

Friday

After we picked up our badges (yay pre-reg), we tootled around the dealers' room for a bit. I grabbed all three books in the Ancillary series by Ann Leckie:

I definitely paid a lot more than if I'd bought them on Amazon or something, since, you know, I paid actual list price. But they were there, I was thinking about it, and I finally just did it rather than continuing to let these books languish on my wishlist. They'll probably languish on my to-read pile now but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I did reread Ancillary Justice in the evenings before bed at the con. Just have to finish up The Real and The Unreal at home before I let myself start Ancillary Sword. 

After the dealers' room we all went to a panel: What Makes a Good Narrator or DM?  It was fun and interesting. There was some good give-and-take and feedback before the Q&A got semi-hijacked by a kind of socially awkward teenager who didn't know how to ask his questions with telling the panel the whole story of his specific situation. And he wasn't very good at telling the story. I'm glad he could get some advice. I wish the questions could have been kept more general and relevant to more people without everyone having to individually extrapolate out from the specific question.

After the panel was dinner and then board games. For the life of me, I can't tell you what we played — that information apparently never made it into the long-term memory. But any rate, after a board game I went back to the hotel to get some sleep while Partner and Metamour played another and then went to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Which apparently was a bust: technical issues plus incorrect assumptions. They thought it'd be in the tradition of Rocky Horror and have yelling at the screen. Instead it was just a watching party. Not bad, but not a desired activity at midnight.

Saturday

Actually did make it to the 10am panel I was aiming for: Economics of Self Publishing. First of all, I can't seem to sleep in so I was getting up at my usual time of 6am. Second of all, Partner and Metamour do not share this problem. So there I was typing away on my computer when Partner starts waking up. 

"What time is is?" 

Looks at clock. Well... damn. "9am." 

I made it anyway. 

The panel was pretty good. It was my second time at this particular panel (same moderator ran it at MarsCon 2016), so it mostly functioned (for me) as confirmation I'm doing everything the author's on the panel recommend. Best line of the panel of the panel was in response to the opening question of 'what does it cost to self-publish?' Answer: time, emotion, and pain. Second best: as much as you need it to.

After that, Metamour joined me at the panel on Genre Blending which was a lot of fun. Mostly thoughts on what works, why what doesn't doesn't, and talking about what's already out there. Of course, being me, I walked out with a recommendation for a book I do want to read (Vellum by Hal Duncan), a book I am going to read for the new podcast a friend is putting together where we tear apart why a book is bad and will regret reading immensely (Out of the Dark by David Weber), and an aesthetic I want to somehow write now: solar punk which was described as art deco/nouveau ecological sustainability.

If someone would like to draw that or point me at artists who already do, please please let me know in the comments.

After the panel was lunch (hurray ConSuite!) and then a Star Wars:Edge of the Empire game with a friend who found out MarsCon was happening that morning and decided to drive up for the day. Yay living within an hour's drive? Any rate, I'm finding that I like the Star Wars stupid custom dice for the variety in outcomes they could produce (... got a few single success plus two disadvantages rolls) but the Star Wars universe is not one I'm particularly interested in playing in for an RPG. Nice to visit for the length of a movie. But not play in for extended periods. 

Two things from that game: 1) my (male) friend played a female Rodian while I played a male Rodian. Nobody at the table, including the two of us, could get character genders right. argh. 2) the other player at the table had a well timed "Master, shall I attack the darkness?" that was completely in character. Play stopped for a few minutes while Friend poked me to keep breathing, I was laughing so hard. :D

After RPGs was a spin around the art show and more board gaming, where I played Cosmic Encounters for the first time. Lost, not horribly, but man, the ending to that game. A little bit like Munchkin where everyone is trying to throw everything they have at stopping whoever is in the lead until everyone runs out of things to stop other people with and someone grabs the prize. I mean, I'd play again, I think there's strategy and interesting things to do. But that particular game end felt a bit grindy.

Sunday

Sunday had one last panel for me: Indie Publishing: Getting Known. This wasn't all that useful for me. I've got that I should have a blog and twitter and stuff in order to connect with people. But like how do I drive more people like you, dear reader, to the blog or catch people's attention to come check me out? I guess I need a marketing class or guru or something to get that answered. Meanwhile, I'll keep on keeping on with this blog and hope for steady organic growth.

Last thing we (Partner, Metamour, and I) did at the convention was play T.I.M.E. Stories with a friend we only know from and see at MarsCon. So, TIME Stories is, to my mind, an RPG campaign in a box. You're time travelers jumping between bodies in the past to try and figure out how to fix something gone wrong in the time stream. There's a time limit and no way to figure everything out in that time limit. So you jump back and do the loop all over again. And again. Until you figure out where what you need is and can, essentially, do a speed run through the time loop. I felt like each loop could be it's own weekly gaming session, except maybe the last speed run one. I think we played that game for... five hours? and I was mentally fried from taxing my brain at the end of it. Lots of fun! Have to buy new stories/expansions to go with the core game in order to have replay-ability. And yet, I'd like to own it/play it again. 

All in all, a fun MarsCon trip!