#i still have gaps in my knowledge about a lot of things but i blame myself for that

[whatt-the]

Yet another gift for @uno-san , though this has grown way past my expectations.

College Stanford x milf reader // pt. 2

Content warnings: fem reader, age gap, nsfw content, reader is having an affair so... cheating if you care

Author's note: this takes place in an AU where Stanley never ruined ford's project and he got into his dream college. He is taken under the wing of an esteemed scientist, shenanigans (cheating on ur husband in a loveless marriage) ensue.

This is my best one yet!

Stanford, as far as all of his knowledge goes, had to assume you weren't good for him. Who can blame him? You were like a drug to him. He couldn't go for more than a few minutes without thinking about you over and over again, dreaming every night of being with you, wishing he could have his lips on you again, even if it had to be the back of your hand once more. His legs felt weak at those ideas, and his face would grow flushed at his own sketches of you.

Oh, those sketches. He couldn't show his notes to his mentor any longer since the corners of the pages were filled with drawing after drawing of you. Which is why he found himself copying over page after page of the plan for his thesis into fresh sheets. So his professor wouldn't suspect a thing; he was quite paranoid about being found out.

...

Goodness he really acted like an addict-

"Stanford, these are brilliant!"

Yes, yes. His studies. Those. Stanford entirely blocked out his mentor's praises- academic accomplishments were always nice, of course, but compliments could only do so much for his ego since he met you. It wasn't the same: it wasn't from you.

'He deserves to hear how good he's doing!'

Those words repeated over and over in his brain. If only he got to hear all about how well he's doing from you. To hear thar he was smart, capable, good. That last one is what he found himself craving the most. Good. Good for you.

Oh. He should really reply to his professor's comments. But he wasn't even listening, what is he supposed to do...

Thankfully, you interrupted. The sound of water running in the floor above had stopped, followed by faint footsteps.

"Oh! Seems she's done with her shower. Tell you what: I'll get her to give us some food, just like last time. Sounds good?"

"Yes, good.."

"She'll be here in a second, in the meantime, I'll see what kind of books I have on your thesis subject for you to go over."

"Of course! In all honesty, I doubt my work will be anywhere under 200 pages, so, give me all the reference points you can!" Stanford exclaimed, finally taking interest in what was being said. The professor chuckled in response,

"You have a lot to prove, don't you young man?"

"I have a love for the craft, what can I say."

He'd almost entirely forgotten about you even being in the house throughout the interaction. Well, until you walked in, that is. You had rushed your way down, hair still wet, panting slightly from running your way down (while simultaneously taking care that you wouldn't slip and fall), wearing nothing but a robe that didn't reach much past your mid thigh.

It doesn't take a genius to imagine how Stanford felt at that moment. Though, before he could even react to the sight before him, you spoke

"Didn't you have a meeting to go to?"

"Huh?.. OH!!"

Your husband hastily dropped the pile of books on the table and ran around the house to grab his keys and other items he'd need.

And you didn't even get a thank you. You were used to it, he had long since abandoned any efforts to make you feel appreciated. Truly, you couldn't remember the last time he complimented you.

Quite unlike the man you were now facing.

"Stanford! This is NOT over yet! You're going to have a clear outline of your thesis by the end of today! I won't be gone for more than 2 hours"

Your husband paused, looking at you for a brief moment before turning back to Stanford.

"If you can explain any of this-" he points to the desk filled with books and papers "-to her, I'll give you some sort of award! best way to learn is to explain it to someone who doesn't understand, anyway"

And with that, he ran out of the house in a panic.

Stanford didn't once take his eyes off of you. Gods were you beautiful. His lips were parted as his gaze went over your body. Your face had become so much calmer as your husband left the house, your hands were no longer grabbing onto the robe, allowing for him to see more of your chest.

He swallowed dryly. He felt the butterflies in his stomach already.

His flustered state was soon to become worse as you sat next to him around the table, closing the blinds as you walked towards your seat. You were fully facing him on your chair, head resting on your hand as you spoke.

"So? What are you working on there?"

He stammered in response, eyes darting from you to the papers to your face repeatedly, occasionally opening his mouth only for either nothing or incoherent noises to spill out. He clears his throat.

"I-I'm. Sorry. It's just..."

"Are you uncomfortable with the robe? I could-"

"NO! Ah- ahhem. No, not at all. It's your house, you should wear what makes you comfortable, of course."

You giggle at his reaction. His immediate denial when you even suggested- no, hinted at changing gave away so much about how he felt. Cute.

And that's when you really get a good look at him. His hands are fidgeting with a pen, breath slightly labored, lips drawn into a slight pout, eyes looking at...

Oh.

Oh.

Damn it! He noticed that you noticed it. "I-- I deeply apologize, this- I-"

"Oh, sweetheart..."

He freezes like a deer in the headlights. You take advantage of his shock to grab his wrist, at which point he promptly dropped the pen he was holding previously. He doesn't register the noise of the impact of the pen with the table and subsequently the floor as you drag his wrist forward and kiss the palm of his hand.

This cannot be real. He must be having one of those dreams--

"You've never done this before, have you?" You asked as you intertwined your fingers with his.

"Done.. what e-exact--mmh!" He's swiftly interrupted by your kiss. Your. Kiss. His eyes immediatelly snap shut and so do his thighs- he's seeking and accepting any sort of friction by this point. Pathetically needy: but then again, who could blame him? He's been dreaming about this ever since he first laid eyes on you. He chases your lips as you let go, but lets his head fall back soon after.

"This," You say, moving your hand back to his wrist once more, guiding it to part your robe. His eyes snap open and he tilts his head to look at you: now leaning over him, you place another, much too quick kiss on his lips as you place his hand over your breast. His large hand cupping it delicately as you finally let go of his wrist. Moving back to kiss him again, you take advantage of his open mouth.

You're making out with him. You're making out with him!

He feels everything through a haze of pleasure, his hand on your body, your lips on eachother, your hand which had gone to pull on the hair at the back of his head, your breath against him- he was so lightheaded, so sensitive, so desperate. He felt the need to close his eyes, but they were already shut tight- it was all too much for him.

Yet he didn't want it to end, no: he wanted it to last forever.

But last forever it surely would not, considering he knew he wouldn't be lasting for longer than a few minutes once your hand moved to press against his hard-on. No, he wouldn't last at all, especially not when you start massaging your hand against it. He moaned loudly against your lips, and continued to let out deliciously desperate noises against them as you continued mercilessly.

You held his head in place and pulled back, and were immediatelly bombarded with a barrage of "thank you! Th-thank you, thank you! Oh god--"

Thank you? That got a reaction out of you. A slight moan, the only one you'd let out throughout the whole event. And at that, you felt his entire body tense up. He had caused you pleasure, him! There were so many emotions coursing through him-- all overshadowed by the immense pleasure he had been experiencing: he'd finally reached his peak. His noises were to die for, his budding tears brought a smile to your face.

You had ruined him.

And no one could ever replicate just how you'd turned this genius into an incoherent mess.

He shivers when he feels the coldness of your wedding ring's jewel against his face when you caress it btw, if you care.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I know plenty of fans are coming to your blog to ask you all sorts of questions about Twist. (Who can blame them? I feel like you’re a walking Twist Wikipedia. That's a compliment, btw.)

But I low-key miss seeing Miss Raven! 😔 We haven't seen her since forever. I miss the good old days with her shenanigans with Leona and J word! Or Octavinelle student A!

I would even go as far as to say that Miss Raven is one of the best written and interesting twisted wonderland Oc's I've come across!

That being said, it's only fair for me to ask a question regarding Miss Raven? 👀 Since we had our share of interactions with Miss Raven with the other characters. One character we didn't see her interacting with; That's Grim!

I like to imagine Miss Raven having to take care of Grim because Yuu is currently absent (Her uncle asked her to). Grim is a handful that could lead to some funny scenarios. A "bird" taking care of a "cat" is a funny twist! (Hehe, get it? Twist?) Surely it would be even more chaotic if two idiotic students from heartslabyul offered their help.

Aaah, thank you but really I feel like I just happen to know the right places or friends to ask/look for info 💦 There are things I miss sometimes too, and I appreciate people pitching in to help me fill in the knowledge gaps.

As I’ve mentioned a number of times before, I’m not typically in the habit of sharing my OC content unless prompted by others first; I tend to keep that to private circles or to instances when I feel very inspired. I’m of course grateful when people ask questions or express interest in a public setting; thank you for presenting these opportunities and helping me get out of my comfort zone ^^

I usually don’t have Miss Raven interact with Yuu (and by extension, Grim) since I don’t have a Yuusona. Generally, I think of Miss Raven serving as a messenger between Yuu and Crowley, or sometimes pitching in and helping with some of the assignments that the headmaster offloads onto Yuu. I’m sure she could fit in cat-sitting Grim at one point or another if Yuu’s too preoccupied by something else.

I don’t think Raven and Grim would get along considering their natures as bird and cat/tanuki/weasel/direbeast or whatever the heck Grim is. Their personalities are pretty polar opposites too. Miss Raven would be lecturing Grim about doing his homework or chores while Grim tries to sneak out and whines about how she sounds like Riddle. (She is, after all, twisted from an Alice in Wonderland riddle!) It’s not much different from how she tries to get Leona to be a model student, she just has to also feed and bathe Grim on top of nagging him. She’d tell herself, “It’s nothing I haven’t handled before, I can do this!”

When it comes to Ace and Deuce, Raven shares the same homeroom as them (and Yuu and Grim). She’s not super close to that group, but she thinks of herself as a “big sister” to the duo. Whether those two acknowledge that, well… Likely not. (Miss Raven learned the egocentrism from Crowley and the other prideful NRC students!) The arrogance comes from wanting to be respected and seen as able to hold her own in this new environment—and in the wild, showing any weakness could mean the difference between life and death. That underpins a lot of how she acts when adapting to a more “human” life. She has to prove that she’s strong and reliable to the flock!

Ace would be the one constantly provoking her and refusing to help with Grim unless she begs for it. (To be clear, he gets on her nerves a lot in and out of lessons too.) He and Miss Raven would argue and butt heads a lot; they’re both stubborn people. I think it’d be because Ace can see right through her “I’m a mature and responsible lady!” bullshit and would rather she confess she needs help than pretend she doesn’t. If she caves, he’ll still bully her before actually helping. And if she doesn’t cave, well… Not like he cares or anything, he’s also fine with watching her cry a little 🤷‍♀️ He’s probably getting a little laugh out of it either way.

Deuce is the nicer guy of the two; he’d tell Ace to cut it out or that he’s being unnecessarily mean to a peer. I also think he’d be the one that initially respects Miss Raven more since she comes off as that honors student ideal Deuce has in his mind. He might be a little stiff around her at first, given that she’s the headmaster’s family member, but he could eventually loosen up a bit. Perhaps Deuce feels more compelled to lend a hand since he’s so used to being “the man” of the household and helping out his mom. Like maybe Deuce sees her struggling to dunk Grim into the bath and clears his throat before robotically announcing he’ll help hold Grim down while she rinses him off. Or maybe they can go for tuna can runs at the Mystery Shop??

chjabejwjeow Anyway, she passes out at the end of the day and Yuu will likely come back to find her curled up in a ball and snoozin’ off the tiredness. Ace and Deuce are by the couch (lookin’ like Deuce’s Dorm Uniform Groovy). Grim is sleeping beside Miss Raven in what seems to be a homemade little cat bed made out of neatly folded blankets… until Yuu realizes that’s not a cat bed, that’s a big ol’ nest 😂

[lesbicosmos-writes]

day 5 of @deadboyween !!

day 5 prompt: family

summary: no one is coping after niko's death, especially edwin. the group are trying to get back to work as a distraction, but it's not really working. then, it gets even worse for edwin when he begins hearing niko's voice inside his head, his own subconscious filling the gap he knows is there, and it hurts.

notes: okay i've been thinking about and working on this fic for SO LONG!! i think it's gonna be 8 chapters but we'll see, i have the first 5 or so written rn, two are posted now!!

also on ao3!!

heard the voices and caught my breath, so close and yet so far from death

Chapter 1

Grief was a strange old thing.

Edwin had only known Niko for a few weeks and now, a month after her death, he still felt the pain of losing her weighing him down as though they had been friends for years. In reality, he’d been grieving her longer than they had known each other, and that was a difficult thing to come to terms with. Theoretically, ghosts could have eternity, so time and emotions didn’t quite correlate in the same way they would have if he were alive. If he were alive, of course he would still be grieving, just as Crystal was, but a few weeks were barely anything compared to how long he had existed. Niko had merely been a blip in time for him, and yet here he was, sitting at his desk preparing for a new client as a way of distracting himself from how much it hurt, from how often he saw a girl lying on the ground, eyes glazed over, blood gushing from her chest, whenever he closed his eyes.

He supposed, when you spent 16 years living in a society full of such strict expectations, where affection was so abnormal that even your own parents never hugged you; and when you spent 73 years in the worst place in existence, entirely alone aside from the creature that continuously hunted you down and tore you apart; and when you spent 34 years with the best person you’d ever met, who you would never give up for anything since you loved him far too much for that and believed there would never be anyone else who would care even half as much about you as he did…meeting someone else who also cared, who also listened, who also helped you and understood you in a way no one else ever had…of course it would hurt for a long time to lose them – no matter how fleeting your time together was.

He'd grown closer to Crystal during the time since Port Townsend. She was as close to Niko as he was, and she’d had a similarly profound effect on her and how she viewed herself and the world. He supposed it must be harder for her, in a way. Being a ghost, Edwin had become rather detached from the idea of death as an ending. Crystal may have been a psychic with full knowledge and access to the spectral realm, but he supposed it must hurt in a different way, being alive and watching someone else die to save you, and someone as kind and loving as Niko Sasaki at that.

At first, he and Crystal had yelled at each other a lot. Both of them had been on edge, their usually stiff-built emotional walls having deteriorated through the overwhelming sadness. They’d been at each other’s throats more than ever, Charles caught in the crossfire, until he eventually convinced the two of them to sit down and talk.

They had talked, and it helped. They weren’t as snappy with one another, since they knew and understood that they were going through the same thing. They bonded over their grief, Edwin even offering Crystal a hug she so clearly needed, which Edwin hadn’t realised he needed too. They had realised they’d become so emotionally vulnerable because both of them felt some sort of blame for what happened. Crystal blamed herself because the slashing spell had been directed at her before Niko jumped in front of it – she felt she should have been the one who died. Edwin felt responsible since it was him they were both trying to rescue. They talked about it, both reassuring each other it was not their fault, but that feeling, that pang of guilt at the mere thought of their friend, never really disappeared. It felt a little lighter though, a little easier.

Charles had also been suffering – of course he had. He’d begun to view Niko as the younger sister he never had and losing her had felt quite like dying all over again. But Charles being Charles put the others’ needs above his own, trying to help them through their grief while pushing his own deep down into himself until it exploded out one night and he burst into tears one night, gripping onto Edwin like he would slip away if he let go.

All three of them were broken. But they had each other. They had people who understood, and they had the Agency – because as much as Edwin hated to admit it, sometimes a distraction helped. Getting his head stuck into casework and research gave him something to focus on, which was why they continued to take on new cases despite everything.

“I’m Edwin Payne,” he introduced himself to their latest client – a middle-aged woman in a 19th century maid’s uniform. “This is Charles Rowland, and Crystal Palace. Welcome to the Dead Boy Detective Agency. How can we help you?”

“My name’s Susan Grantham. In life, I were the maid at one of the bigger houses over in Uxbridge. I did my work willingly, for the Andersons that lived there. The wife Em was a good friend o’ mine, we grew up together and had always been close. She made me the godmother of her children, so when I died in that house three months after she and her husband were killed when their train derailed, I knew I had to stick around and help however I could. But when they grew up, and all of ‘em but the oldest married off and got land of their own, I never went anywhere. Always thought someone would come for me once my job was done but they still ain’t come. So it’s just been me in that house. It’s a hotel now. Em’s great-great grandson was the last to live there, he died in the war in ’43. House was empty for years ‘til someone bought it in the ‘90s and turned it into a hotel. It’s constantly full of people now, but I’m convinced I ain’t the only thing haunting it anymore. There’s been loads of weird accidents in there, and that’s why I’ve come to you.”

“Weird accidents?” Charles repeated. “Sounds like a poltergeist, we’ve dealt with them before.”

“What kind of weird accidents is the establishment succumbing to, Ms Grantham?”

“Oh, all sorts. Knives moving on their own in the kitchens, doors knocking with no one there, and too many guests have come screaming to the front desk about floating furniture.”

“Definitely sounds like a poltergeist, right Edwin?”

“Oh my god, Edwin, this is just like that Scooby Doo episode we watched!” said Niko.

Edwin smiled for a split second, then paused. His face fell. Wait…what?

Edwin didn’t reply to Charles’s question, instead looking around desperate and confused, as if there was any possible way she could be there in the room. She wasn’t, of course. How could she be?

“Edwin, you okay?” Charles asked quietly, clearly worried.

“I thought I…never mind,” Edwin shook his head slightly, turning back to the client. “We’d be more than happy to take your case, it sounds simple enough. Now, onto payment.”

Five minutes later, the payment deal was agreed upon and Susan left them the address to Anderson House before leaving the office.

“Well, this should be a straight-forward one,” Edwin said, looking up with a small smile.

The other two weren’t smiling back. They both looked like they were trying to figure something out, as though they could read Edwin’s thoughts if they stared hard enough.

“What’s the matter with you two?” he asked, already making notes in his little book.

“What’s the matter with us? What’s the matter with you?” Crystal asked.

“Yeah, mate, what was that about?”

“I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Edwin claimed.

“You went all quiet and weird for a sec looking around like there was something there.”

“I can assure you, I am quite alright, Charles. The window merely created an interesting light pattern on the rug,” he lied.

Charles didn’t seem convinced, but he and Crystal stopped prying.

Edwin cursed himself. He’d thought about Niko non-stop since everything happened, but that was the first time he had imagined her there with them. Her voice sounded so real, like she was really there. Edwin hoped this wouldn’t become a repeating thing, he didn’t know if he’d be able to bear it if Niko’s voice was supplied by his mind but she wasn’t, couldn’t be, physically there. He already missed her enough.

He cleared his throat, shaking the thought from his mind, and got back to the case notes. This one was going to be easy.

Chapter 2

The Case of the Haunted Hotel was easy. It was the running commentary in Edwin’s mind that was not. Hearing Niko’s voice had apparently not been a one-time thing. Throughout the entire case, part of Edwin’s mental commentary had been through her. She’d provided more comparisons between the case and one of the Scooby Doo episodes they’d watched together, given several niche comments that would have sounded incredibly strange in any other voice, and had helped with the case itself, reminding Edwin that Charles had put the one item they really needed in the bag of tricks a few hours beforehand. And it didn’t even stop after that case; it continued for a few weeks, and as Edwin grew somewhat more accustomed to the apparent second consciousness in his mind, he started to enjoy it – it was a comfort that he could still feel her helping them, like it was all four of them on a case together instead of three of them and a painful space.

He only enjoyed it as it was happening, though. When the cases were closed and they returned to the office, he sat down and thought back on the idea, and then it was much more of another hurt than a comfort. When he had most of his focus directed onto a case, it was nice to have her back in a strange subconscious way, but when he was alone with his thoughts once more, the little voice in his head gave him little more than overwhelming grief. Because no matter how hard he tried to pretend that voice was real, he knew it could never be. Niko was dead, and despite the fact Edwin himself was too, he knew this one was forever. They’d left her lying on the floor of Esther Finch’s living room for Death to collect, not even waiting to see her rise as a ghost before they fled, as they had so many times since 1989. By now she’d be settled into her afterlife, no doubt in the paradise she deserved, perhaps reunited with her father, while Edwin was still on Earth. Even if he’d wanted to go with Death in the hopes of joining her, he knew he wouldn’t. He may have filled in the forms that meant Hell was no longer looking for him, but that was still his afterlife – that damn demon had made sure of that. His choices were eternal damnation in Hell or potential eternal grief on Earth, and the answer to that didn’t even beg questioning. He’d just have to learn to exist in her absence, even if he did have her sweet happy voice echoing in his mind now.

Several cases later – some of these ones much more complex than the poltergeist of Anderson House – the group needed a break. Even before they had any living members of the agency, Edwin and Charles used to have a rest day every once in a while, just to do something other than work for once, whether it be binge-playing Cluedo, Edwin teaching Charles fencing, or the two doing separate things, Edwin visiting the many museums around London and Charles exercising his ghostly privileges by going to all the concerts he wants. These rest days had become more common with Crystal around, since she actually got tired, and they’d found a whole host of things they enjoy doing as a group.

Tonight, they’d been to the theatre. There’d been a musical on in the West End that Crystal had desperately wanted to see, and while Charles and Edwin had never really had an interest in musicals, they’d agreed to go along with her. Edwin found he rather enjoyed it actually, and had been mentally replying to everything Mind-Niko was saying as they watched.

It was growing dark when they left the theatre, so Charles and Edwin walked Crystal back to her new flat on their way home. Charles and Crystal were walking slightly ahead of Edwin, whose gaze flicked between the two of them. He didn’t know if anything else had happened between them since their goodbye kiss in Port Townsend – Charles certainly hadn’t mentioned anything, but Edwin worried he wouldn’t tell him if anything had, likely out of fear of hurting his feelings since his own confession. Charles had a knack for leaving out information that might cause Edwin distress. Part of Edwin wanted to see their lack of anything official as a sign of hope that maybe, just maybe Charles could start to feel the same way he did. The larger part of Edwin, however, only wanted Charles to be happy, and if that came from him being with Crystal, then Edwin would be wholeheartedly supportive – he’d even tried to convince him to talk to her about it before she intended to leave Port Townsend. And it was clear there was still something there between them, whether they were acting on it or not. They walked down the street together, not quite touching or holding hands, but as close as seemed physically possible without either of those things happening. Charles was wearing his usual long black jacket and slacks, whereas Crystal had dressed up a bit, wearing a loose-fitting lavender trouser suit with one of her many floral designed mesh tops underneath, the pinkish-purple matching her eyeliner.

“She looks so pretty,” the Niko in Edwin’s mind supplied, and he supposed she was right.

He may not have been interested in girls that way, but he could still admit that Crystal was beautiful. He could hardly blame Charles for developing feelings almost immediately, she was exactly the kind of girl who usually caught his best friend’s eye. Only Crystal wasn’t one of those girls Charles would see in the street gossiping with their friends, having never seen a ghost in her life and likely never believing in them if you asked. Crystal was psychic, and brilliant and messy and beautiful. Edwin may have spent a lot of time in petty arguments with her, but beneath that he truly cared for her, and she’d become a close friend. He admired her strength after everything she’d been through. Once David was dealt with and Edwin could stop stressing so much about having a hellish being so close to the agency, so close to him, he really started to see how much he had affected her. Having your memories stolen from you only to get them back and discover you did horrible things in the past…that must have been horrible. Yet here she was, a fully-fledged part of the Dead Boy Detective Agency despite being neither dead nor a boy, and she was one of the best people Edwin knew. His thoughts about Crystal were soon interrupted by a different thought, this one taking on a different, more feminine voice than his own inner monologue.

“You know, I never told you, but I have such a crush on her.”

That stopped Edwin in his tracks. What? What was wrong with him? Had his mind really invented a story about Niko liking Crystal in some sick attempt to quell the jealousy he couldn’t help but feel towards her and Charles? Was he really that petty? He thought he’d been handling Charles’s rejection well, he’d never felt more than a slight twinge in his chest whenever he saw the two of them together. He was perfectly fine with the fact Charles didn’t feel the same way – he had never quite expected him to in the first place – wasn’t he? Evidently, his subconscious disagreed. He felt horrible, as though he’d done something so wrong, not only disrespecting Charles and Crystal but Niko too.

“Mate, what’s wrong?” Charles asked, having noticed Edwin had stopped and gone back for him.

“Nothing,” Edwin replied sharply.

“Are you sure-”

“I said I’m fine, Charles.”

He hadn’t intended to sound quite so cold and snappy, and immediately regretted it. Before Charles could say anything else, he marched ahead, passing Crystal without even looking at her. He knew Charles was just worried. He had been giving him a look for a few weeks whenever he thought his back was turned, and Edwin felt terrible for making him so concerned. But he couldn’t tell him. What was he supposed to say? Oh, my apologies Charles, it’s just that my mind has somehow been conjuring up the voice of our dead friend for nearly a month, and I’m not handling it too well. Charles told him he could tell him anything, but he had already burdened him with the knowledge of his feelings, he didn’t want to give him something else to deal with. Edwin had survived Hell for seventy years, surely he could handle his own mind by now.

“Edwin, calm down,” he heard the imaginary voice of Niko say, and she was doing nothing to help the situation.

“Stop,” Edwin replied aloud.

He tried to keep the tears at bay as he walked on, unable to quite make out exactly what Charles and Crystal were muttering about behind him.

[lifewithchronicpain]

Gotta love the title of this paper: “A critical hit: Dungeons and Dragons as a buff for autistic people“. Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) is a tabletop roleplaying game where a small group of people each play characters adventuring in an imaginary world run by the dungeon master (DM). (That explanation was probably not necessary for the majority of readers here, but just to be thorough.) The game has just celebrated its 50th anniversary, which was even commemorated by official US stamps.

The game certainly has a very different reputation today than it did in the 70s and 80s. Back then it was seen as the exclusive domain of extreme geeks and nerds, mostly males who needed a distraction from the fact that they had no chance of finding a girlfriend. This was never true, but that was the reputation. In the 80s things got even worse, with D&D being tied to the “satanic panic” of that decade. The game was blamed, mostly by fundamentalist religious groups, for demon worship, witchcraft, and resulting in suicides and murder. I still remember when the school board in our town had a debate about whether or not the game should be banned from school grounds. The adults having the conversation had literally no idea what they were talking about, and filled the gaps in their knowledge with their own vivid imaginations.

In reality D&D and similar roleplaying games are perfectly wholesome and have a lot of positive attributes. First, they are extremely social. They are especially good for people who may find social interactions challenging or at least very demanding. While roleplaying you are in a social safe-space, where you can let aspects of your personality out to play. The game is also mostly pure imagination. Other than a few aids, like dice for random outcome generation, maps and figures, the adventure takes place in the minds of the players, helped along by the GM. The game can therefore help people develop social connections and social skills, and to learn more about themselves and close friends. (Read more at link)

When I was a teen I didn’t have enough local friends to play D&D but it was the internet of the early aughts and so I joined a chat RP based on the Dragonlance world and learned to freelance RP. I did eventually do an actual proper campaign with a DM once but it was also a chat room so I’ve never had the table top experience. Anyone I met who played it IRL had a set group or lived too far away. :/ Eventually I left RPing behind for cosplay and conventions. Both groups teaming with my fellow autistics.

[404name-not-found]

Vent post about system stuff incoming:

Also if you don't support in-system relationships just fuck off this specific post ok? Not in the mood to hear it

The concept of spending the rest of my life only ever half able to touch my wife (he/they) is fucking depressing. I can feel him because I mainly sit internally, and I know he can, to some degree, feel a ghost of where I'm touching him (not that way I'm referring to cuddling and kissing the rest is no one else's business) but it's not the same.

I will never be able to hold him the way his partner with a separate body can. While I'm not jealous of said partner, it does feel like something about me will always be inferior. I know if I had my body, I would not be able to hear his thoughts and know his feelings so we wouldn't work as well as we do, and probably would not be anywhere near as in love as we are because we don't deal with all the time wasted by misunderstandings and such. But I also know that if I had my body I could marry him legally, and I could be supporting him because my body was not disabled. I could take care of him in ways I just can't as things are. If I had my body, I could fill the roles I can't fill because we share a brain and body.

I wish with everything in me I had my body and still had the ability to communicate the way we do. I wouldn't have seen him in so many abusive relationships. I wouldn't watch him struggle to get things done and get what he needs. I was able to work in my fictional canon! I made plenty enough to support us! But I can't.

I know a miracle let me literally cover a gap between worlds to let us be together even though here I'm considered fictional. And somewhere deep down I know it wasn't a miracle, it was a world of hurt I wish he'd never gone through. And I know I should just be grateful I have him and we can be together despite how absolutely impossible it realistically is that we managed this.

I couldn't imagine a world without him, and I would never want to take the step back that would come with losing sharing the same head the way we do, but there's just a lot about sharing a body that makes a relationship like ours feel like we're so close to being perfect and the only thing in the way is one missing electrified meatsuit.

Don't misunderstand, while despite all the scientific knowledge I do have, I have no understanding of the science that makes it so he can kiss the air or a pillow using the body and *only* have the same biological reactions as he would with another body if one of us is kissing him in the head at the same time, I am eternally grateful for it. But for once, would like to stop being scientific wonder and be a man and his wife with nothing extraordinary besides the amount we love each other.

There's nothing to say or do to make it better; I'll feel okay tonight when he's laying in my arms since the body dissociates well enough when we're laying down to sleep that we can almost entirely feel each other, but for now it sucks and there's nothing that's ever going to change it. I spend 99% of my time grateful that I was given the chance to know him and love him and be loved by him and I wouldn't risk it for anything, but that doesn't mean I don't wish we could fill that last gap to where this would be perfect for him the way it is for me.

He deserves a relationship that can give him everything someone with another body can with someone who would *never* use that body to cause him harm, not with someone who is in the process of being taught not to. He deserves to kiss someone without flashbacks of that person forcing that kiss a few short years ago.

He deserves to have the whole experience of a relationship with someone who genuinely loves him without any backstory of beating or assaulting him in any way. Instead the closest he gets is always wondering if the only reason I'm safe is because I don't have a body to hurt him with. And I do not blame him at all for wondering that - every non-middle school relationship he's had besides one that didn't end up with that happening has been with those of us in his head. But I want to prove to him that people can love him without causing pain. That he SHOULD be loved in ways that do not cause pain. That no one should be hurting him and calling it love and there is nothing about having a body that causes them to behave that way. That what they did was choice they made and kept making, not inherrent to using body separate of his. Maybe then he'd be able to understand that he deserved better than what he got.

[explosionshark]

Okay as promised here's my more thoughts to follow in the Buffy update, A+ series had a great time. "Innocence", "Passion", "I Only Have Eyes For You" and "Becoming" so great, Buffy gets so much good everything for all the big Angel fallout Sarah Michelle Gellar is just always nailing it. Also actually warmed up to Cordyxander wasn't expecting that. Gonna admit wasn't super into Spike at first but I'll tell you into the second half once he was in the wheelchair loved that guy, dunno just wasn't really buying the hype they tried but after taking him down a few notches my kinda guy. RIP Jenny but she got a lot of great stuff loved her, RIP Kendra kinda wish she'd got a bit more for her death. Also I remember back in What's My Line I thought oh a cop who just starts blasting in a school of course she's an assassin but then they do the same thing in Becoming just as regular cops incredible. Also wow they went real hard on the queer coding with Buffy coming out to Joyce in Becoming (this was also a great scene), also a hard unsympathetic turn for Joyce especially in 3x01 with her blaming Giles for Buffy following Joyce's ultimatum, wasn't expecting it so much. Giles also, lotta great stuff, shocker Anthony Stewart Head does good work I know but he was so good in Passion and I Only Have Eyes For You. I didn't think I'd get so into the whole AngelxBuffy romance considering y'know I already knew how it goes but nah its still real good even with that foreknowledge. Also shout out to Willow just having to double as a teacher for the latter half of the series since Jenny died incredible stuff, and good for her getting into the witch phase which is what I mostly knew about her from second hand knowledge, besides that finding out she was gay in the evil mirror verse was part of how she found out she was gay herself.

Also I forgot about that joke about how David Boreanaz can't do an Irish accent and man he can really not do an Irish accent, I remember an episode of Angel where his pre Vampire memories took over or something and they just had him do the American accent, shout out also to Angel being dead and still in the opening credits for series 3 (I've watched one episode so far) really selling me that he's dead forever guys. Also gotta say despite I Only Have Eyes For You being real good, kinda sketchy the whole I dunno if the student being in a relationship with his teacher was handled particularly well. Like I get it yeah for the comparison between Angel and Buffy but directly bringing that in makes that a bit sketch as well, like I'm not gonna complain about age differences with vampire/human romances because its a staple, you can't get away from it they're vampires but if you're directly bringing in the comparisons y'know.

Also glad you mostly enjoyed the song recs, I've been listening to Rise Against since you said The Weight of my Pride is like them meets Fightstar (who I will also get to but I am incapable of checking out music in a way that isn't listening to they're entire discography in a row before trying out another one), they're so good I haven't clicked this hard with a band since I got into Dio and REO Speedwagon, its just banger after banger.

Also gonna go read HerInsectReflections' essays on series 2 like you recced. Will read your Common Ground fic when I get to around about Faith's heel turn I think.

Final last second thought the theme song seems a bit different for series 3? Dunno if I like it as much I'm sure it'll grow on me

Yeah! Definitely read the @herinsectreflection essays, they're really incredible. In particular I think you might enjoy skipping straight to the one she wrote for "I Only Have Eyes for You" since I think it does a really good job dissecting and contextualizing the teacher/student and age gap stuff in that episode while still acknowledging what sucks about it.

I know I've said before that my favorite episodes of Buffy are the ones that are really about other episodes of Buffy but I really mean it and I think you probably know exactly what I mean about that by now. As such, I'm really excited for you to get further into s3 and start getting to the Faith stuff. Very enmeshed with the Angel/Angelus arc.

Anyway fully agree re: Kendra. The show really did her dirty. It's got to be acknowledge that the one way Buffy fails egregiously and repeatedly throughout all 7 seasons in with race. Characters of color and black characters in particular are rarely seen, usually only fulfilling temporary roles, lack the depth and interiority of white characters and are usually victims of some sort of stereotyping. It's a bummer and I wish I could say it gets better but it really doesn't. Huge L!

Re: Spike - honestly yeah, for me he's best when he's kinda just being the buttmonkey.

I think the season 3 theme might be where they ditch the scream? I prefer the scream tbh. But when I watch with my best friend she does it for me, which is very sweet.

Thanks for checking in again! Love your updates! Glad you're having a good time!

[walkawaytall]

Okay, this has been ripping through TikTok and I do not think it's what people are saying it is. Now, I have no insider knowledge, but I have been cursed with an ability to often (though not always) be able to follow Trump's trains of thought even when he skips all around and clearly forgets to bridge the gap between subjects. I blame my ADHD-riddled brain, which does similar things if I don't make a concerted effort to rein it in. Anyway.

Some necessary background: Trump was president when the US secured the 2026 World Cup, and I believe also when we secured the 2028 Olympics. That's what he's talking about in this section. His full statement about this topic is below:

And in 2028, the Los Angeles Olympics will be one of the great sporting events and patriotic celebrations in history. I was with Gianni, the head of the Olympics. And because of the wildfires, they’re going to do a special, special job. They’re going to really do something very special for the Olympics. And the opposite, some people said, oh, maybe the Olympics can’t go there. It turned out just the opposite. They came to see me the other day and the committee. And it’s just the opposite. So the Olympics is great. And Johnny, for the others, you know, the World Cup. Johnny is the head of it. We had our top people, Wasserman. They all came in on the Olympics. And then I saw Johnny. And we got the World Cup, too. And you know, it’s only because they rigged the election that I’ll be your president representing you there. So I got both of them. I got the Olympics and I got the World Cup. And I said, you know, it’s too bad. One was in 2026 and the other was in 2028. And I said, I won’t be there. I won’t be your president. But then they rigged the election. And now we won. So I’m going to be your president for the Olympics and for the World Cup. So, Johnny, thank you for the World Cup. And everybody, thank you for the Olympics. We’re going to have a great time.

I understand that this is rambling and confusing, so I have attempted to translate it into a normal, linear statement below.

My translation: When Trump was president, he was involved in securing the United States as the location for the 2026 World Cup and the 2028 Olympics. He either thought or told some people that it was kind of a bummer that he wouldn't be president the years those events took place. The implication there is that he assumed he would win the 2020 election, thus disqualifying him from running for president again. But then the Democrats rigged the election, which meant he didn't do his second term in 2020, and now he's won the 2024 election, so he'll get to be president during the World Cup and the Olympics.

It is important to note that Trump uses a lot of "us" and "them" rhetoric to stir up his constituents, where "we/us" is him and his followers and "they/them" is anyone who opposes him. It's very 1930s Germany, but I can't think about that for too long or I end up in a panic spiral. Anyway, while he obviously uses "them" the normal way -- as a generic pronoun -- I would be very surprised to see him use it to refer to his own people, especially in this context. If he were brazenly bragging about fixing the election, I'd think he'd use we. (I'm not...like, a linguistics expert; this is just an observation. But his talking points depend on heavy repetition. That's why every opposing politician has a demeaning nickname that gets beaten to death, why "fake news" has become everyday language, why he's still talking about the 2020 election as being rigged, etc. This is just another chance to remind everyone in the room that they got cheated out of something in 2020, to really encourage more unrest.)

Also, whenever thinking about a conspiracy theory, it's helpful to consider two questions:

Who does it benefit?

Does the risk outweigh the reward?

In this case, a rigged election obviously would benefit Trump greatly. However, revealing it on a national stage wouldn't. Trump isn't stupid. He chooses to remain ignorant about some things, and refuses to depend on experts when he should, but when it comes to something like this, I don't see him bumbling into a conspiracy reveal. The risk is too great.

Because something you have to understand is that, while his most die-hard fans are in a personality cult of sorts and will bend over backward to excuse his every move, he has moderate voters. He has people who can't stand him as a person, but disliked Harris more and those people would likely be pretty pissed if they found out the election had been rigged.

Also, many of his die-hard fans believe they are in the majority in our country. I know this because I have been told this regularly on TikTok this week when I made some videos related to the inauguration. Trump tells people this all the time -- that his victory was a landslide (he got 49.9% of the votes in 2024, so that is a stretch), that he's a man of the people, etc. Many of these people believe that the 2020 election was rigged, but 2024 was won fair-and-square. And while I'm sure some would be fine if the 2024 election was rigged as long as the results worked in their favor, it's too much of a risk to potentially upset his followers. Especially since...what would the reward be here?

Like, I get it: Trump's very boastful about a lot of things. But this would not endear him to all of his voters, and even for those who were okay with it...it's possible some would think it was a great "beat them at their own game" sort of thing, but it doesn't really gain him much of anything.

So, I personally do not believe that he was admitting to rigging the election at a nationally publicized rally. I do agree that some of his statements earlier in the speech about Elon understanding voting computers was weird, but it also could have just been one of his tangents. Anyway, unless there is more evidence than this particular speech, I personally think it's just speculation (though I've wondered about it myself for months).

I saw a clip on Tiktok but when looking it up on the Google I found no major news organization talking about it. Edit: Someone told me I misconstrued what he ment so I'm just gonna let this sit here and yall can make up yalls own mind 🤷🏾‍♀️

[dichvutieccuoihcm-com]

A Student Love Story and the Startup Journey with Dịch Vụ Tiệc Cưới HCM

Starting from Zero: The Life Story of a Wedding Service Entrepreneur

Repeating a Year and the Journey Toward Independence I was once a student at the Posts and Telecommunications Institute of Technology. Due to my lack of responsibility in studying, I had to repeat a year to retake failed courses. For many, that might have been a major setback — but for me, it was the turning point of my life. During my final year, I didn’t rely on my family for support. I woke up every day at 3–4 a.m. to go to Bình Điền wholesale market to get fruit and then brought it back to sell at Lê Thành apartment complex. I carried all the burdens alone — rent, tuition, living expenses, even saving up for a computer and phone for my studies. After one year, I not only survived but managed to save over 40 million VND — which, for a student from the provinces like me, was a miracle.

A 7-Year Love and the Things Left Unfinished Amidst the hustle, I had a relationship that lasted 7 years — from my freshman year until I had a stable job. We went through end-of-month instant noodles, Saigon rains, and dreamy talks in parks about our future. I believed wholeheartedly that if we worked hard together, we’d have a happy ending. But life isn’t that simple. When I started working at TMA, the pressures of the job and personal goals gradually pulled me out of our shared path. She needed someone stable, while I was still struggling to find myself. We parted ways gently, with no blame — but it left a huge gap inside. Even now, I’m still grateful for that relationship — because it taught me how to love, to share, and to understand that emotions alone aren’t enough to sustain something long-term.

Work, Bitcoin, and the Lessons About Money After graduating, I worked at HTC Telecom, under Hanoi Telecom Corporation. My job was as a network operations engineer, working in a control center in District 1, Ho Chi Minh City. During that time, I frequently traveled to southern provinces like Vung Tau, Nha Trang, Da Lat, Dong Nai, Moc Bai, An Giang, Can Tho... to implement enterprise network solutions like L2VPN, L3VPN, and leased lines — helping connect headquarters and branch offices of large companies. I learned a lot during this period — about discipline, workflow, and real-world network infrastructure. However, after about 1.5 years, I switched to TMA Solutions as a software tester. My starting salary was 15 million VND/month — a dream income for many fresh graduates. Three years at TMA exposed me to international software development processes, professional teamwork, and cultivated a meticulous work ethic. But the repetitive nature of the job eventually bored me. I no longer felt passion writing bug reports day in and day out. Throughout my time at TMA, I kept pondering: “How can money do more than just sit in a bank account?” I began exploring investments and got intrigued by the "get-rich" stories surrounding Bitcoin. I decided to invest. Over four years, I poured more than 300 million VND into crypto:

100 million from savings during my fruit-selling days and my time at HTC.

100 million borrowed from banks via unsecured personal loans.

100 million from monthly savings while working. I didn’t dive in recklessly. I invested consistently and gradually — believing that patience would eventually pay off. I dreamed of tripling or quintupling my account and using the capital to start something of my own. But reality proved different. When the crypto market crashed, the coins I held plummeted. I wasn’t quick enough to sell off, nor brave enough to cut my losses early. Eventually, I lost almost everything. The only lucky part? I had just finished repaying my loan when I left TMA. I borrowed 100 million, but after three years, I paid back 146 million — a wake-up call. I don’t regret it. That experience was a painful but essential lesson. Investing requires not just faith and emotion, but knowledge, risk management, and self-control. This mistake taught me how to evaluate opportunities more rationally and not let emotions dictate my financial decisions.

Jobless – Newly Married – and Lost I left TMA around the same time I got married. But financially, I was at rock bottom. Losing the 15 million VND monthly income left me feeling lost and anxious. The only silver lining was that I had just finished paying off my debt. Instead of waiting for opportunities, I returned to things I once tried: selling websites, doing sales, and offering online business consultation. I relearned everything — from UI design and sales copywriting to personal branding. Clients started coming in. I signed small contracts. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to keep me going.

A New Dream – and the Birth of Dịch Vụ Tiệc Cưới HCM After over a year in sales, I started dreaming of something of my own — something simple, meaningful, and sustainable. I realized that demand for wedding decoration services in Ho Chi Minh City was huge — but few providers were thorough and dedicated. So, I started Dịch Vụ Tiệc Cưới HCM. At first, I did everything myself: planning, transporting items, setting up, cleaning up. No showroom, no staff — just faith that doing a good job would bring customers back. And I was right. From those first few orders, I gained loyal clients and referrals. I started hiring helpers, investing in more equipment, building a website, and doing SEO. Before long, I had a stable income, with peak months hitting over 200 million VND in revenue — far surpassing what I earned as an employee.

Conclusion: The Journey Continues I’m not someone successful — just someone who dares to stand up after every fall. From a student selling fruit, failing at investing, struggling after losing my job — to building the Dịch Vụ Tiệc Cưới HCM brand, I’ve learned one thing: "As long as you don’t give up, every journey will find its way."

DỊCH VỤ TIỆC CƯỚI HCM — https://dichvutieccuoihcm.com Thanks for listening to my story. If you found it inspiring, please leave a like — it’ll motivate me to share more!

[lysandyyy]

Okay, so speaking of my Writing and Critical Inquiry class, I have this "Blog Post" project. So, today, we're gonna talk about how poverty affects the education system. I *really* liked this article that I found in my college's library on this subject, so if my post doesn't suffice your thirst for knowledge (which it shouldn't, you should always be thirsting for knowledge, but that's not my point. But please read this article if you have the time it's so good.) I will preface, however, that it was made like decades ago, so he refers to black people only as Negros and says the N slur once. So, y'know. be prepared.

He starts out the article with this quote I actually really liked from Pat Sexton's  "Education and Income: Inequalities of Opportunity in Our Public Schools," where he says, "There is an enormous book by a Mrs. Pat Sexton which indicates that a person is likely to get an education in proportion to how much money he has." I wholeheartedly agree with this because I grew up in Charleston, WV. This led to my parents being eager to move away because they were scared to send my sister to a middle school that was rife with drugs and violence, but they didn't have the money to send her anywhere else. This article is old as dirt, and it's very specific to its time, however, I believe that's why it's scary how accurate this is to the modern day. He speaks on how the main people who are hurt by not getting a proper education are Immigrants and African Americans. Specifically Irish Immigrants, which is my ancestry.

He speaks on what he sees in both his community and in the news across America, how we see underserved and underprivileged kids grow up to be "Criminals" and just generally not good people. He accredits this phenomenon to these kids not getting proper schooling and opportunities, causing them to not be able to work, causing them to have to turn to drugs and brothels. He also partially blames educators for this problem, which I disagree with because there are such nuances and different factors that go into teaching children. There's a bunch of red tape to sift through, and Admin is very strict on what we can teach and talk about with our students. However, I do agree that the education system needs A LOT of work. We need to teach our students things that will give them background on how to be a functioning member of society, but we also need to teach them life skills like taxes, public speaking, tolerance, and social skills.

Which brings me to the problem of America's "Education Debt." Education Debt, as paraphrased from the article "From the Achievement Gap to the Educational Debt: Understanding Achievement in U.S. Schools," Educational Debt is what the American Education System accrued by giving rich, white men a "head start" on education. By implementing "Residential Schools" and by not letting black kids have access to the same schools as rich white kids, black, native, and immigrant children are less likely to succeed in schools because they are still trying to catch up both historically and economically to their more privileged peers.

All this to say, we need to find ways to make this "debt" shrink. I had to research this for my Teachers in Diverse Societies class, and my findings were that we simply learn and adapt to the environment we're in. The best way to help underprivileged kids is to give them the opportunities they need to be successful. Whether that's having better teachers in schools or districts moving tax money around so that all the schools get the same amount of funding so all kids can be equally as successful, or what. The old saying goes, "It takes a village to raise a child," but what are we doing as a village to help the children around us and not just our own children? All children deserve to have equal opportunities for success, so we as a society need to stop being selfish and help the kids who need us, not just kids who have the money to pay for that help.

[boct-kimerakal]

notes notes notes!

think think think - then don’t!

scattered notes / half thoughts / to-dos. there was more i’ll ponder it later on. later on, at some point. somewhen.

abyasa does not ever deal with The Thing and i find it so funny. oh to give her a problem that she makes, in her mind, into one of the greatest battles of her life - and for her to just literally never deal with it, until the day she dies. is so funny to me. she’s just like oh let’s just ignore the writhing all-consuming heron in the back of my mind. thanks okay bye. oh hummingbird is definitely concerned about it and aware of it. sorry my beautiful heron you have to deal with THE CRISIS THAT IS BEING A MIND IN FLESH!

i just think aly going through the horrors of corporate espionage with two teenagers and some dude is really funny. especially considering the fact aly probably hates corporations and actually most organised institutions but in a very “this is so over-complicated way!” oh my god would aly be an anarchist if they knew what that was? they genuinely don’t think much ever so it’d be a very loose and surface-level understanding of the concept though.

akan-inra, ezya-niru, the bog bodies by rabbitology. that’s the thought.

okay i’ve been thinking (in the artsy abstract terrible way i do) about science communication and education lately and i am. staring directly at my ocs! staring directly at my ocs! in a way that makes me so unwell! shifters-wise, i am so entertaining giving telajan an education-oriented social media account and then making it plot-relevant. for the waiting world (because i am all over the place, presently. what’s it like to have your mind jumping back and forth like a haywire elevator through a skyscraper! well, this...), it’s. oh. trick and education privilege is something i think of a lot. which by the way! exists in contrast to hawk and how hawk was educated (very oversimplified but. communal, accessible but lacking in expertise) and that makes me ponder all the so-very-many different educational systems in TWW. oh my god. falls to my knees. knowledge. why am i stupid. this could be so fun to describe.

i’ve actually betrayed myself and continued to think about trickhawkrex (harbinger) and i hate to say it, but i’m either still extremely secretly (as in - stressor unknown to me) stressed OR i actually like thinking about them. or both! anyways. trick had top surgery for a flat chest because she’s cool like that, rex has a girlfriend who actually hangs out with them sometimes and hawks lost her tooth when she met trick & rex and still refuses to get it replaced, just to because she thinks the gap is cool.

i think it’d be Uber Funny if harbinger hawk killed a sphinx and i can’t really explain this one. bye.

SURAKSHA EP BY PINKSHIFT. MIGHT ALSO TO BE BLAME FOR THE MENTAL ILLNESS. their friendship is so profound and devoted (even if they totally suck at the start) and it makes me sob on floor crying. the songs from the EP can totally be applied to self-identity versus their surrounding society + upbringing in it versus cultural heritage. probably. i’ll word this in a clever way when i’m not pointing at them all and screaming INHERITED GUILT. me when i stare at this three and wonder to each what the word home means. oh, trick would be all careful and deliberate and artful about it, i love their kaleidoscopic heart. rex would feel torn in two and feel a grief.. most definitely. and hawk just wouldn’t know! btw. head in hands. to me by pinkshift is so trickhawkrex dynamic! their acceptance of each other and each other’s terrible self-complication. i reckon hawk might never have been able to forge such a strong bond with them if hawk hadn’t first totally ignored them because - if hawk had actually liked the two idiots - they’d probably have been insufferably faux with them. so oh! they’re all just incorrigible - i hate them!

quick interlude (lies) for the obnoxious parallels between fishtragedy and heronhum. which i may expand in later.. they’re divided into strictly static roles - aly, the sworn defender, lover, the follower. & sonya, the over-achiever, the loved, the leader. whereas on the other hand, for the heron and the hummingbird, they’re all that to each other? there is a freedom and a fluidity which they are afforded, that aly and sonya could never have. labels are not boxes for heronhum, but temporary descriptors, waxing and waning with time and context. but circumstances (and their own biases, this need to cling to the narrative) force aly and sonya to find their selves in clear definition. there is no room for fluidity, they don’t have the necessary time/space/resources to develop that (!!!) also needed to metion: both sonya and abyasa struggle with accepting their own humanity. both sonya and abyasa have this wariness of money. sonya clawing herself up from poverty and abyasa having it all from the start... they’re so polarising when put side by side, that the similarities they have are sooo GRNRGHR to me. they)re my false equivalence duo, who never actually interact closely within the plot but look. in a weird thematic way they do. is this too much? might retcon this.

i can’t believe there is more (there is always more) but i’ve been thinking in nebulae lately and modern religions in the waiting world and. there’s something here. an upheaval. more TBA. probably. at some point. LOOK! THESE ARE NOTES! SHUT UP! BYE! TECHNOLOGICAL AND EDUCATIONAL ADVANCEMENT AND RELIGION ARE COOL TO WATCH AS COMPLICATE EACH OTHER AND THE THINGS BUILT AROUND/WITH THEM.

chin in hand. staring straight ahead. maybe work out the dangsahana coastal language and ethnic groups a bit more. i should probably think more on social hierarchies in kodyssi though because the merchant upper class was something i like developed in a hazy dream state once... then forgot. but something about?

instead of working on the harbinger AU maybe i should fall back into working on the end of times.. i quite liked it. even if only three characters were actually developed and not cardboard. and also

finding a way to incorporate a supernova remnant into one of my five million lore worlds is hitting again. save me save me space sciences i know nothing about save me.

I SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT WAITING WORLD BG STUFF. I REALLY JUST! KEEP PROCRASTINATING. OH MY GOD. REMINDER TO SELF. maybe do something fun like mineral deposits and segue into culturally/economically relevant jewellery or exports. or for whatever reason the functionality of storm and flood protections because yay! urban planning! on dangsahana since i’ve been too lazy to flesh out other regions besides vague handwavey maybe-retconned-soon-facts.

ART! HISTORY! TRICKHAWK! THERE WAS A THOUGHT! IT DIED! BYE!

old copy paste so i don’t lose it: but! mostly just rough concepts surrounding her youth and the socioeconomic class she grew up in and what she would be exposed to in terms of non-inherited culture. sooo environment outside her family, the type of friends she had? i’m also thinking about sonya in contrast. ah i really want to make sonya contrast her in an art and culture sense but sonya’s whole thing is her dead-centre steadfast obsession with academic greatness (instead of economic, because she scorns wealth and doesn’t believe in the feasibility of perfect meritocracy) making her disconnected from artistic cultures (inherited art + popular media art) etc. in a “waste of time” way. in her eyes expression will never equate to change? which means ABYASA has to have the art root but i. don’t know. i mean heron would have been exposed to a lot of literature and time to think but her entire thing is feeling culturally askew (isn’t sure what cultures make her up/what she identifies or agrees with) all the time and then ignoring the conversation completely. but the reason why i really want to include it is! views on art culture and it’s relationship with ideological sentiments in different socioeconomic classes with different relationships to the government and the different notions that are entertained within them.. but ALSO sonya and abyasa are from entire different countries. narrowing it down to regions that i can’t even begin to compare. but there’s no NEED for them to be perfect environmentally-controlled narrative comparisons SO LIKE WHY AM I BOTHERING WORRYING!! and like oh there’s a fascinating case study of punk culture in aceh and ohhh. cultural integration. and i want to put that into shifters somehow. but it doesn’t make any sense because even though shifters takes place in the future, it is based on Real World Things!! which means i have to look at the waiting world but looking at the waiting world requires me to make up but the borrowed concept and it’s history and how/why it was integrated into the new environment

i haaate all my thoughts, they’re like little half-ideas that plague me and taunt me because there are so many! and they dance around in little circles! and i have naught the dogged resilience nor the ability to retain information to pursue them in any greater way. anyways! i could be doing something useful with my free time but instead i fill it with little fictional characters .. how i ache for competence

[blackteacreates]

The hardest thing I have been struggling with these past few days, and I’m yapping about here because my therapist ghosted me this week.

I don’t know how to process the fact that my mother doesn’t seem to genuinely hear anything I say or be self aware in any capacity.

It’s always been tricky for me because she’s not really a narcissistic parent. She’s not a parent who refuses to apologize or even actively guilt trips. But she is an incredibly emotionally immature parent. And probably neuro divergent but reluctant to ever acknowledge or cope in any healthy way.

She self sacrifices and doesn’t exactly guilt me for it. She says a lot of the “right” things but her actions don’t add up. She hates herself and can’t even recognize it and thus will be in denial about the reality of that self hatred in a way that makes repair impossible.

But at the end of the day, she still can’t see me. She still can’t actually grasp the impact of her behavior, the way she doesn’t see me. The way she lashes out and parentifies me. She cannot understand cause and effect. Even if she can understand how behavior in the past has deeply hurt me and apologizes it’s like she cannot take that knowledge extrapolate and infer how that presents today.

It’s like each incident of behavior is a new one. And she will fully have gaps in memory. At times I will ask her what did I just say, and not only will she not remember, say the wrong thing, but then she will deny that it happened. She will forget whole conversations and then act like it’s such a big deal to ask her to remember “every little detail”.

And when I bring up to her the aspect that oh she’s a pessimistic person, she complains all the time, and how her negative skew of things makes her completely oblivious to any progress I make or any thing that I contribute she’s all surprise Pikachu face.

But she never asks why is there discrepancy between my self perception and how I am read in the world. She never asks questions about herself. And you gotta fight her to get her to recognize. If she acknowledges shes co-dependent after years of telling her and giving her resources she never checks out. And I mention it later she’ll be like “you think I’m still codependent?” As a genuine question.

LIKE GIRL. AT WHAT POINT DID YOU DO THE WORK TO FIX IT OR LEARN ABOUT IT. Like what was your thought process to get from point A to B. And it’s like she HAS no thought process. She lives in a world of magical thinking 24/7 and any attempt to bring it ups results in a shame shutdown where she’ll show remorse. And she doesn’t say it aloud unless backed in a corner but she will internalize it as “wow I’m fucked up”.

Then it’s like none of that happens it gets suppressed until the next incident. And I just…I can’t. She will never understand how much heartbreak exists in keeping trying over and over to meet her where she’s at, and not only to go unrecognized, but be actively fought on it, then blamed or treated like I��m rude and uncaring when I’m burnt out. To be treated like I’m asking for too much.

When I have to put up more boundaries etc. she acts like she’s doing it for me. Like no bitch I’m protecting myself from you because you choose ignorance over and over again. And she has too much pride and self preservation I guess to admit her limitations. The denial about her own limitations coupled with the chronic lack of action means heartbreak over and over.

And her inability to connect the dots means she will never see conflict as a continuation or consequence of prolonged behavior. She will never internalize it in a constructive way. If you bring anything up you just demotivate her and trigger the shut down and forget. If you don’t say anything you’re either betraying yourself or getting blamed.

And it hurts. It fucking hurts. Because I don’t know how to stop trying to fix things. I don’t know how to not be impacted by her comments and behavior. I don’t know how to not be bothered when I’m angry and want nothing to do with her. I can get so angry even her presence makes me want to break something.

And to her it’s out of nowhere, for no reason. It’s “I don’t treat you like that” you’re right you don’t because you just do the silent kind of disrespect. You do the neglectful kind of disrespect. The one that silently kills. And I feel crazy or like an abuser when I want to say something like: every problem you have between us is your fault before it is mine.

Because it’s like you can’t be nuanced with her. Any form of nuance is a way for her to delude herself into thinking something doesn’t apply to her. Because it’s like some way or another it is her fault. That the reason I am snappy, don’t want to hear her run her mouth, am short with her etc. is because she has repeatedly refused to get help. That she has continued to break my heart over and over. That she has continued to neglect me. And blame me. Continued to take me for granted and the invisible emotional labor I put into keeping us even functional while also trying to heal while also trying to move forward in my life.

And when I do try to be nicer because my inner child is sad and misses their mom, she takes that to mean everything is okay. She has no concern for how heart breaking it is to have to cut that part of yourself off. To guard it. She only thinks about how that cold behavior hurts her. She so self involved even if she’s outwardly selfless to a fault. And she will never see how much pain that causes.

I don’t know how to untangle from that. How do I accept help or kindness from her that I may need to survive and not pull myself into this dynamic. I hate it so much. I hate that she will never see me. And I hate getting nuggets of hope. I hate broken promises. I hate that the most.

Maybe I’m jaded but it feels so selfish to keep making broken promises because all it does is soothe her shame. I don’t care how genuine she may be in the moment. It’s its own twisted kind of cruelty. Theres a unique (not worse) kind of pain in harm done from neglect and lack of thought.

Sometimes a part of me may think I almost wish you’d intentionally hurt me. At least I could feel justified in my anger. It’s the back and forth. The lack of thought. The lack of action coupled with the self hate she exhibited but refuses to see. What am I supposed to do with that. How am I supposed to react to that. I *wish* she’d grow a back bone. I wish she’d take her own healing seriously. Because she puts that responsibility on me.

I’m so angry and bitter. And it’s destroying my life. This anger and bitterness is poisoning me from the inside. I don’t even want to feel justified in it anymore I just want it to be done.

[mari-lair]

Could you do an analysis on what Hanako’s life was like when he was human? And his relationship with the “fake” Tsukasa

As in the time gap between Tsukasa jumping in the hole and until he killed Tsukasa because in the 4pm book stacks, when spider face was cleaning up his wounds I see handprints on his wrists which kind of imply Tsukasa (or someone else) did…things

Also do you feel that the manga implies that sort of thing between Amane and Tsukasa too?

I am not very interested in Hanako’s relationship with Tsukasa, so I can't do a 'proper' analysis. But I’ll share some thoughts.

I personally don’t believe there is a ‘fake’ Tsukasa, he has always been weird, he never told anyone that the ‘god’ under the house copied his speech and he didn't show any hesitation or remorse about sacrificing animals to get his wishes.

Which was all to grant Amane's wishes, a brother he decided he would die for since four. He has been obsessed with Amane since way before learning Amane would kill him.

The only thing the “God” inside Tsukasa seems to have truly done is stunt his growth (he still acts like a child) and give him knowledge a normal human shouldn’t know.

Still, the horror child framing of this change is in the mom's point of view: Amane seems happy.

And Amane’s joy remains for years.

When Nene travels to the past and meets Amane, who appears to be at the very least eight years old, it is heavily implied he didn’t come with his parents, just Tsukasa.

At this point in the story, I don’t think he was being abused, physically or emotionally: He is eager to trust and help Nene, who is a stranger, and he displays a lot of confidence, honesty, and joy. Not being scared even when Nene try to steal his wishing paper.

He doesn’t seem particularly troubled with his family either. He ever implies a member of his family is crazy, or shows intentions of wanting to use his slip to ‘heal’ them, as a kid as sweet as him would likely be inclined to do. He seems a bit lonely cause his bro was focusing on something else that he can't interrupt instead of keeping him company, but that's about it.

And in Shijima's world they are buddies, which would be... weird... if Tsukasa had hurt him.

But I’ll be honest, considering how old this plot point is, Amane’s injuries are extremely vague. It could be anyone.

Maybe something happened, and Tsukasa got violent, and clingy to the point of being hurtful, maybe his parents snapped and Amane couldn't blame family, maybe is a third party, maybe is a curse, I don’t know, I don't plan to re-read the entire manga to get a better feel on it, but since you asked for my opinion, I personally think this turn for the worst in his life is partially the red house fault, and partially Amane’s own actions.

Let’s rewind a bit.

Tsuchigamori, or spider face, said the only person to alter their own fate was Amane. Not Tsukasa, who was influenced by future Kou, or Nene, who is always seeing the past: Just Amane.

Changing the future is such a big deal it became Tsuchi’s yorishiro, the spider can’t get over it. So I would say it is important to consider Amane's ‘normal’ future.

What changed Amane’s wish? What made him give up?

It wasn’t Tsukasa’s disappearance or reappearance. It was his meeting with Nene.

These slips are a big deal.

We are told they are rumored to make your wish come true in a land of supernaturals where every rumor so far was true. And that it is so hard to get all the five colors, that Yako was never able to, and she is an old spirit.

And the wording Amane used is... Concerning.

As the astronomy teacher he was fated to be, Amane would have never met Nene again, and even in the case he was still teaching by the time she was a student, she would have not been an ‘onee-san’ anymore: He needed to die before 14 for her to stay an onee-san when they met again all those decades later.

I do think the red house and Tsukasa and so on plays a big part in Amane’s fucked up life, but it is strange he only got injured and “gave up going anywhere” after meeting Nene and putting his wish on the Tanabata tree.

We have no info on this part of his life though so it’s anyone’s guess.

[burberrycanary]

My recent fics

MCU

Damn the Torpedoes // Stucky

Steve as the single dad from Gifted and Bucky as the DJ from Monday. Sort of.

────

Series: A Man Takes His Sadness Down to the River (The Consolation of Philosophy)

A post-TFATWS Endgame Stucky fix-it where a lot needs fixing.

1. The Same River, Twice (The Man Is Still Left with His Hands) // Stucky

Steve had meant to stay forever and didn’t last a year. He meant to return right back to when he left, but that doesn’t work out the way he planned either.

Turns out a lot can happen in nine months.

.

2. Still Left with the River (The Paradox of Motion) // Stucky

Coming back from as good as dead to a changed world is easier the second time around. But then Steve supposes that, like with most things, you get better with practice.

.

3. Not Language but a Map (The Grammar of Sensation) // Stucky

Steve has never felt right running away from a fight, even if the fight is with unanswered questions. But it’s not running if it’s a road trip and the oldest, thorniest unanswered question is along for the ride.

.

4. Lost Vocabularies that Might Express (The Memory of These Broken Impressions) // Stucky

The worst of times, like the best, are always passing away. How’s that for some consolation on the road?

────

The Art of the Possible // Sharon-centric, minor Sharon/Bucky

Maybe whether you’ve picked the wrong side depends on where you’re standing—but if you can’t tell who the sucker at the poker table is: it’s you.

Sharon before, during, and after Madripoor.

&

Red White & Royal Blue

Series: What the Living Do

The distance is hard, but they're making it work. Post-film.

1. The Better Part // Henry/Alex

Henry has no reason to be in New York, no acceptable public excuse, just a three-day gap in his schedule and a boyfriend he hasn’t seen in six weeks.

Six weeks and two days, his mind supplies. For a moment he considers blaming that knowledge on how the American election is an easy date to remember.

Instead, he texts Alex: We’re apart for weeks but my body misses you in days, in minutes.

.

2. Magna Carta Libertatum // Henry/Alex

“Besides which, I think it’s somewhere in the fine print on being boyfriends. As you’re my first, I may have to refer back to the designated powers and duties, now and then. I haven’t learnt them by heart yet.”

Alex is quiet for a moment and when he speaks his voice is softer, more thoughtful. “I think we get to draw those up ourselves. The position of boyfriend and the officially designated powers and duties therein.”

“Oh,” Henry says. “Well. I’ve never gotten to declare my own powers before. Constitutional monarchy and all that.”

&

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

Till the Ductile Anchor Hold // Juliet & Sidney

Sometimes, beginnings are like that, slow and gentle until you find yourself in the middle before you realise there was anything to begin at all. Endings, too. Sometimes.

&

Chasing Liberty

Truthfully, Once If Strangers // Ben/Anna

Anna sits on the low stone wall that edges the road and watches him wait in line. She admires how his shoulders look in the leather jacket and how his neck is lovely but so masculine, before getting distracted by his Adam’s apple, which she’d really like to skim her teeth over.

&

A Discovery of Witches

The Probable Stars // Diana/Matthew

That’s the way of the world, Matthew remembers: you break the things you are fondest of.

(Or, what about those discarded clothes?)

────

Like Gold to Airy Thinness Beat // Diana/Matthew

Diana climbs into his lap and his hands immediately come up to steady her. The book he’d been reading slides off the bed with a thud. Her fingers are clumsy as she works down the line of buttons—she doesn't think about why, doesn't care—and, finally, she can touch his cool skin.

See the rest on AO3!

[sneezemonster15]

Hi, thanks for answering. I had some similar thoughts too. Though I have to clear up (since my first ask wasn't as clear) that the discussion was about USA, at least the woman and the gay man in question were white Americans so it was more about countries where being gay isn't illegal. And the woman in the video said she doesn't blame her husband and that they are in good terms regardless. But I could tell she was crushed and had been crying. I do not know the husband's background, maybe his family are very conservative.

Yes, even certain parts of American society can be not so open to homosexuality. Like the LDS church thought of homosexuality as as a sin, now their stance has changed a bit, this is what it states on their website, correct me if I am wrong. "The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is." Even though the Catholic Church does not consider homosexual orientation sinful anymore, they still have a negative attitude towards it.

Things take time to change or evolve. But it's good to know both sides of the story. We don't know the man's story. And I am stumped how couples can go twenty years without something this significant as sexual orientation or sexual interest ever becoming an issue. As in I am aware it happens. But just to imagine the kind of gaps in their knowledge of each other that they felt okay with, things they compromised with, twenty years of it...there must have been something (a lot) lacking in communication, connection. Things don't happen overnight, there are always hints and clues around if we are invested enough to pick up on them.

Yes, it is a huge loss, I do feel bad for the woman, it must feel like quite the betrayal. But I am positive the story is bigger than her side of it.

[thamepo]

Triage notes for eps 6-7:

THEY’RE KILLING MAI’S MOM I HATE YOU EVIL PROFESSOR AND GOPHER

The way everyone’s heads snapped to Sing after he asked Gap to dinner, like they all can’t believe he got himself together enough to ask. And then Gap’s disappointment when Sing invites them too! He was fixing his hair and everything!

Tin pulling Tol’s blanket up while he’s comatose :’(

Surprise forgotten childhood friends!

I really don’t blame Mai at all. It’s not right for her to use Tol for his money, but really this poor fucking girl. And in previous loops this would mean that her mom and Tol both die on the same night. This is way too much for one person to handle normally.

Tin is wrecked by Tol dying this time, it was so painful and way more drawn out than before. And now Mai has 2 funerals to plan because her mom was HARVESTED, and Fang got MURDERED for finding out about it, and Varit was already in a bad mental space and now he has to deal with the knowledge that one of his kidneys was stolen, and it’s all falling apart.

“Everything went all wrong” YOU’RE TELLING ME, TIN

Thank god Jinta’s here we need you now more than ever angel man.

Tin: So all I have to do now is break up Tol and Mai, save Varit, save Mai’s mom, and uncover the organ stealing conspiracy in this hospital all in the space of a week, and then Tol will be saved!

Me: Bro WHAT

But I also love that he technically doesn’t have to keep saving Varit, but he still keeps it as a top priority in all the loops. I would at least be tempted to have one less thing to worry about in this situation.

-

Oh I’m sorry, he needs to break up Tol and Mai, save Varit, save Mai’s mom, uncover the organ stealing conspiracy in this hospital AND get Tol to fall in love with him all in the space of a week. My mistake.

“Who would want me?” Said the incredibly pretty and compassionate doctor.

I love how he delegates the hospital conspiracy to Sing while getting his other friends to help him with dating. “Yeah I think our professor is secretly stealing and selling patients’ organs. Anyway I gotta go Toi and Pin are gonna help me with my 90s romcom makeover.”

I get warning her away to protect her after what happened last time, but cmon Fang’s totally gonna get involved, that’s not even a question.

“and then you drowned” huh

Of course! Cats are always the answer!

Sing is approaching Lady Sam levels of poor handling of emotions and communication. You can just thank Gap for the drink my dude!

Tin’s really having to put his “I can fix him” theory to work this loop, isn’t he?

Tol: This guy is so annoying, why can’t he just leave me alone already?

Random old friend of Tin’s: hey

Jealousy Activated!Tol: And whomst the fuck is this

welcome back!!! 🥳🥳🥳

yeah, they’re the fucking worst 😭😭😭

akjskaksksks YEAH. top 10 anime betrayals when sing invites everyone else. poor gap

soft tintol moments my beloveds 🥺🥺🥺

forgotten childhood friends? in MY bl? extremely likely, if not required.

on this blog we support mai’s rights and wrongs!! she’s been through a lot as well, in every fucking loop!

god the way tin breaks down over tol 😭😭😭 my fucking HEART. this loop was an entire shitshow 😭😭 just remembering hurts me!!

ALKDAKKDKSKDKS tin has like 345 impossible shit to pull during the smallest time frame all the while studying medicine and yet i deeply admire his confidence. i would’ve died on the spot

lmaooo varit is our beloved. gotta save him nonetheless

GOTTA MAKE THAT BOY FALL FOR HIM AS A TREAT!!!! if nothing else, he’s gonna get a boyfriend out of this fucking mess!!!

no but real, he thinks so lowly of himself while literally being the best character in the show and pretty AF. like come on tin, if you can save everyone and end the organ traffic, you can get one person to like you aldkkskdk

IT’S TIME FOR SOME ROMANCE. THE FUCKING PLOT CAN WAIT ALKDAKDKSKKDK

fang cares so much. she’s such a queen 😭😭😭

and then you drowned 🥰🥰🥰

SAM AND SING ARE LOST SIBLINGS ISTG

lmaooooo he is 🤣🤣🤣🤣

JEALOUS TOL IS MY FAVORITE AKDJSKKDSK HE’S SO PETTY AND FOR WHAT MY GUY, YOU WERE LITERALLY JUST COMPLAINING ABOUT TIN 🤣🤣🤣

too funny pls

have funnnn 🥰🥰🥰

[mahalshairyballs]

Another theory I've heard and agree with is about who is 'Dr. Harrow"

I don't think it's really Harrow who is manipulating the Marc system's mind or something like that. I think the real Harrow just went "so he's dead. I won. Who here wants to unleash the Apocalypse?" (Poor Layla don't know if she got out of there and how)

I think the Marc system sees Harrow as his Doctor because he sees psychiatrists/therapists as the 'enemy'. He doesn't trust them. And he was never able to open up before.

Which probably means that someone pushed him to see a psychiatrist when he was young and it went badly. Whether his stay was short or long. Which would also partially explain why they found themselves in a mental hospital.

There was something similar in the Lemire comics. His father was the one to realize Marc had DID (or at least that there was something happening with Marc) and he was the one who brought him to a mental hospital. Marc resented him for that. Maybe that happened too with the MCU!Marc.

In the comics, his stay at the hospital made Steven go dormant for awhile but he came back later on as we all know. So if it also happened the same way in yhe MCU it could answer a few of the questions I had in that episode. Like how often was Steven let out? Did Marc lead two separate lives? Maybe not. At least not for that long between his child years and the present. Maybe MCU!Steven went dormant too for some time. How would Steven explain this big gap in his memory to himself? Did he just all blame it on a shitty memory ? I don't know.

You know the worst of it all ? This means Marc got pushed by someone to get psychiatric help while his mother wasn't. His mother never seeked or got help. It's only when Marc left that his dad said "she will get help!" But as Marc replied, she should have gotten help a long time ago.

Which brings me to the dad. The show made us focus more on the mom & Marc in the memories, but the dad was grieving and coping in his own unhealthy way too. The good thing is that his dad still loved him and did his best to show him. But life wanted him to choose between his wife and his remaining son and he...didn't.

He should have gotten his wife help or divorced her but he didn't. I think he wanted to keep a semblance of normalcy, he was in denial. He wanted to keep what remained of his family together, didn't want to completely break it. And in doing so, he let the abuse happen. His dad is more my kind of archetypal parent 'bad parenting with good intentions'.

While Marc's mom...I don't see how I could redeem her even if I understand her pain. Because even in some AUs where Randall never died and she stayed 'nice' to Marc, we have the knowledge that her love wasn't unconditional. That she still has the ability to truly hate her older son.

All of this makes everything more awful but it would also explain a lot of what we saw.

Tl:dr - still crying over this work of art