#i think i might have OCD but i don’t want a diagnosis because that’s the last thing i need on my plate man:))

[nymphaforesta]

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[somesecretpie]

I've been receiving a lot of asks in my inbox that I don't want to answer because they are essentially the same and I don't wanna flood my tumble with repeat messages. So this is kind of going to be a "general answering my asks."

1.) To all the folks that told me that they liked my OCD comic and that it helped them in some way, thank you so much. I read your message and it made me very happy. I love all of you, stay strong and good luck!

2.) To all the folks asking me whether or not they have OCD and giving me a detailed list of their symptoms, I am not a mental health professional. I cannot diagnose you with any mental health condition over the internet from a little blurb of information. I would be essentially responding the same thing to each one: visit the IOCDF website for information about OCD. Try checking out this page in particular for a list of mental health conditions commonly mistaken for OCD/that share symptoms with OCD. And if you are struggling, seek professional help or talk to a counselor if you are able to. And generally, be careful with self-diagnosis. I am not against well researched self-diagnosis on principal and I think it can be very useful (especially to people that don't have a lot of money) but fear can definitely cause you to jump to conclusions (usually the worst conclusions.) I've self-diagnosed myself with brain tumors, stomach cancer, and a whole lot of other things with little evidence but my own fear. When you read these informational pages, try to do it with a clear mind. And refrain from reading them over and over. Just once or twice. Alright? Alright.

I did answer one of these asks because it seemed a bit severe and I actually did think I could say something useful that wasn't on the IOCDF website but I am not going to answer the other ones. I hope you understand.

3.) To all the folks asking me if their fictional character they have made with OCD is accurate and/or problematic and giving me detailed descriptions of them or asking permission to write a character with OCD: Lol. Lmao.

Okay but really: I appreciate your questions and want to give you a nice pat on the head for trying to write accurately about a condition that is so widely misunderstood. Sincerely, thank you. But once again, I'm gonna just refer you to the IOCDF website for more information on OCD. Because I don't want to fill up my tumblr with a bunch of these. Hope you understand.

Generally though…all of your characters seem …just fine? Yeah they all seem fine. If you feel like need permission to write a character with OCD, you have my permission. Here you go. I am handing you a pass.

The bar for writing OCD characters is so low. It’s underground. If you know what OCD even is, you’re already doing better than most writers. I guess if I can give you one peice of advice: don’t write the OCD as some kind of superpower. It doesn’t give people super detective skills or make people good at math. There is literally nothing positive about it. Characters with OCD can be badass and awesome of course, but not because of their OCD.

If you really want my specific opinion about your blorbo, you can always message me rather than sending me an anon ask. I promise I will not think you are cringe and I might even answer if I am bored.

Have a nice day!

[owmylasagna-blog]

What do you think of Edd's ''innocence'' moments? Just like him repeteadly believing so easily in Eddy's best intentions in ''Here's mud in your Ed'', ''Truth or Ed'', or ''Tinker Ed''? Or him actually believing the kids will thanks him for sending their parents home in ''Stop, Look, Ed''? Or his gullibilty in believing in Eddy's pranks like ''A Case of Ed'', or multiple times on the movie?

I just find very funny (and kind of adorable) how Edd can be so smart and SO gullible at the same time. His innocence and naivety betrays a lot his intellect.

Oh I love this question! Off the top of my head I have three thoughts that relate to this.

1. It’s just funny

You said it yourself! The plots are a lot more interesting when Edd doesn’t stop the action prematurely because he’s smart enough to know something might backfire or go badly. A lot of episodes would have screeched to a very boring halt if that was the case. He does get a little more cantankerous as the show progresses. He’s much more lax in the earlier seasons and way more of a killjoy in later which results in growing tension with Eddy who can’t seem to pull one over on him as easily as he could before. I also think Edd’s gullibility or naivety is a reminder that even though he is smart and relatively more responsible and mature he is still a kid after all. He wants to trust his friends. He wants to be involved. Eddy is his friend after all.

2. Edd is somewhat idealistic

To contrast Eddy’s cynicism (or realism as he’d probably see it), Edd tends to be more idealistic and optimistic. He sees the value and virtues in learning, in moral conduct, in being attuned to the emotional needs of others. And he seeks to ameliorate things that go wrong. He fixes things. Edd is all rules whereas Eddy is anarchy. He’s the “book smarts” to Eddy’s “street smarts”, which I touch on a bit more in my third point. He absolutely seems more innocent than Eddy who is a “man of the world” as much as possible for a 12 year old in a US suburb lol

3. Dude is not the best at reading social cues

@gettingfrilly might have to edit this take haha I’m not qualified at all to make this assessment but I usually headcanon Edd as having autism and OCD. Some folks with ASD describe taking things very literally and can assume more than not they are being told the truth. Jokes might go over their heads or they don’t really understand the humor in pranks. I’ll be candid and say i have no official diagnosis for ASD myself but boy do I RELATE to this aspect of Edd’s character 😂 From my experience and from others with ASD this can lead to over compensation - from learned experience, if you frequently misinterpret cues or sarcasm and jokes, you can sometimes default to a degree of skepticism around what people mean vs what they say (Are they lying? Are they speaking in couched terms? Are they softening what they really mean to say?). IDK this could all just be anxiety too 🤷

Sorry that got a little personal but I felt giving some personal context and bias would help explain how I interpret this character trait. Just to say that also just because he is gullible that doesn’t undercut his intellect!

I’m really curious what others think about this!!

[foggyfanfic]

I think the thing that keeps me hooked on Encanto and Bruno is the implications of a mentally ill person in this setting.

Like he is all but confirmed mentally ill, and it’s not a curse, it’s not a metaphor, it’s not even PTSD or Cinematic Crazy Disorder, he has OCD. He has real person OCD, we know his compulsions and can make pretty good guesses at his triggers and obsessions, it is OCD. In a lot of fantasy we know that surely mental illness must exist, because presumably these people have brains and brains are where mental illness is stored, but we don’t often receive confirmation that it does exist. Even when characters start showing signs of PTSD, mileage varies on accuracy, and it often gets hand waved as normal trauma instead of clearly being a disorder that could potentially require a doctor’s help to treat. They have yet to state in canon that Bruno has OCD, but they put it into the script, they built it into his character, and they didn’t even go for the usual Has to Have Everything Neat and Tidy variety that we see in media, instead they’ve made a point to show his compulsions and generalized anxiety. This isn’t Detective Procedural OCD, it’s Based on My Aunt OCD.

And that more than anything has me thinking about the structure of this society and this family. I find myself writing mentally ill OC’s for this fandom more than for others because it feels more organic in the Encanto verse than it does the Buffy verse. I spend more time wondering about Alma and her family history, does she have a cousin or siblings that are like Bruno, or does she just assume he’s like that because of the magic? It seems obvious to me that the Madrigal family tends toward anxiety disorders, and after the comics I’m more convinced Bruno is autistic as well as having OCD, how long until some doctor comes to town and is like “Oh, hey! You guys all have mental illnesses!”? It’s the 50’s in the movie, so knowledge of this stuff ain’t great, but Mirabel would be 89(?) today, her grandkids might have been diagnosed, her great grandkids would definitely be the right generation to receive a diagnosis. Oof, but we saw when Encanto first came out that some people consider mental illness to be a White Thing, so how does the intersection of racism and colorism affect this? Does the great grand kid that looks like Pepa have an easier time getting anti-anxiety meds than the great grandkid that looks like Félix?

I should actually probably take my ADHD meds or this is going to get long.

I’ve been weaving Adelaide into more stories because she was originally designed as a vehicle for Camilo to have heavily autistic kids and grandkids, but ever since writing Juan I keep thinking about the experiences of two autistic kids in a rural village that doesn’t know what that is yet. And I want to play with that! Like he doesn’t struggle with facial expressions so he would fly under the radar, but she does struggle with proper emoting so she doesn’t. On the other hand, he went through a very showy phase that got him labeled annoying, but she’s a girl, and quiet, and society likes that. He has a good relationship with his family, so he has mentors and friends; but she has a bad relationship with her family so she has a found family and when Bruno comes out of the walls she would cling to him because he is an Adult that is Like Her. His special interest is math and math is useful so he gets plenty of opportunities to play with it, her special interest is stars and that’s cool and all but stars are not a job. How do people in rural 1950’s handle sensory issues? How accepting are people of those with mental illness when they don’t realize that’s why little Romero is like that?

And what about the downsides of untreated mental illness? We see through Bruno how isolating that can be, but I inherited my broken brain from my mother and she has taught me all the ways NOT to handle it. How many people in Encanto are self medicating because they have bipolar disorder and no clue that’s what’s happening? I read that folks with autism or OCD can often get swept up in fundamentalism because the rigid Right vs Wrong world view presses all the right disorder buttons for them. So how many of the most heavily Catholic people in town are mentally ill?

Oh my god and schizophrenia! I read that hallucinations and delusions can often reflect the culture surrounding the person with the disorder. So! In Encanto, a paradise that’s surrounded by a super violent conflict (because this is taking place in Actual Real World Colombia in the mid-20th century), what does that look like? Do they have aural hallucinations where they think they can hear distant sounds of screaming? Do they have delusions that they’re keeping the miracle alive by never letting their candles burn all the way down? How does the culture of the Encanto affect people with schizophrenia?! How are those people treated?!

I know it’s a Disney property, so obviously they’re not going to release a series that does a deep dive into what mental illness in the Encanto looks like but ugh! I have so many questions, do I really have to write all the answers myself?! Rude. I mean, I’m going to do it, if I have the time and energy I am one hundred percent going to write a story about being a mentally ill person in a magic rural village. But still!

Stay tuned for a longer story about Adelaide than I’d ever planned to write, and a stream of consciousness about how Julieta’s gift should affect PTSD. If I get around to it.

[whackacole3]

Hanzo and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

I was joking with a friend about making the Overwatch characters have personality disorders, I realized that Hanzo very closely resembles someone with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (also called anankastic personality disorder).

Now I will say, I myself have some personality disorders so I have the need to project onto him. This might lead me to project certain traits onto Hanzo as I analyze his character, so keep that in mind please.

On another note, if you disagree please just scroll past and don’t argue. I’m not saying this is canon or even implied, it’s just a headcanon and a silly little analysis that I wanted to do because I was bored.

Note: OCPD and OCD are not the same thing despite the similar names. Please do your own research if you want to learn more about the differences as I want to focus this on character analysis.

Let’s get into it!

Many may be shocked to know that OCPD is the most common personality disorder (not BPD like many may think). [source] So it is very likely that Hanzo could be one of these.

To receive a diagnosis of OCPD, an individual must reach four out of the eight specific criteria. Not the full set, only partially. It is important to notice that everyone’s experience with OCPF will be different because of the many combinations that exist within the criteria.

I will be using the direct diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5. Though Hanzo is Japanese and would use the ICD-11c I’m just not as familiar with that.

Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost.

To maintain a sense of control, people with OCPD focus on rules, minute details, procedures, schedules, and lists. As a result, the main point of a project or activity is lost, as the criteria says. People with OCPD repeatedly check for mistakes and pay extraordinary attention to detail. They do not make good use of their time, often leaving the most important tasks until the end. Their preoccupation with the details and making sure everything is perfect can endlessly delay completion. They are unaware of how their behavior affects their coworkers. When focused on one task, these patients may neglect all other aspects of their life. [source]

Now while I personally believe Hanzo does this, from my understanding there’s no exact canon proof of him being preoccupied with these things. It could be assumed he does with all the later criteria he has that he is probably this way, but we don’t know for sure. No points. 0/8

Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion

Nothing else matters except for being perfect. Things may never be completed because the need for it to be the best it possibly can be. Only the highest of standards for themselves. They have nothing in the tank to take care of yourself or attend to your hobbies or interests. [source]

Now while this can be explained from Hanzo being the eldest son and the pressure put on him by his father, that doesn’t negate the fact he does this. We know from dialogue with other characters he holds himself to a very high standard. So, that’s a point for him. 1/8

Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships

People with OCPD may have difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships due to their perfectionist tendencies and devotion to work. They may have unrealistic expectations of themselves and others, which can lead to conflict and disappointment. [source]

This is pretty much the same as the last one. He isn’t tied to any organization and really has no friends or close ties to anyone. While there might be other explanations for this, I think it’s plausible he might not want to set himself up for disappointment. I’ll give a half point here. 1.5/8

Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values

People with OCPD think actions and beliefs are either completely right or completely wrong. They often feel they are always right. It’s as if nothing will change their minds. [source]

Hanzo believes he is unforgivable and unworthy of anything. While this might be a more morbid belief that what is typically for OCPD, it still constitutes as one and would apply here. So sadly, he gets a point. 2.5/8

Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value.

Hoarding is a very common symptom in OCPD because of the fear of losing something.

While I headcanon this: we have no canon proof of it. No point. 2.5/8

Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things.

People with OCPD want to do things on their own without any help for fear of someone messing up their work. They typically deeply consumed in dysfunctional beliefs and genuinely see their way of functioning as the only "correct" way, where the world needs to conform to their own strict standards. [source]

This is very much Hanzo. He works by himself, a lone wolf, never with anyone else. While we don’t know if it’s exactly for the reason stated above, i would say it’s a plausible situation enough to give him a full point. 3.5/8

Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes.

This one is pretty self explanatory .

Hanzo doesn’t have this, he gave away all his fortune. So, no point. 3.5/8

Shows rigidity and stubbornness.

People with OCPD are often described as “stuck in their ways” and “unwilling to change”. Such rigidity often manifests in a sense of hypermorality.

Hanzo is most definitely stubborn in every way possible. He doesn’t want to do anything except for his way. While he doesn’t have hypermorality, he is definitely ridged in his ways. Point. 4.5/8

And there we have it. Four and a half longs. If he was real, Hanzo could very much qualify for an OCPD diagnosis. There’s a lot of possible “stretching” and projecting; but in my eyes he had OCPD.

Now, again, this whole analysis is all for fun, shits and giggles if you will, so if you disagree that’s completely okay! Just don’t be mean about it, it’s just a headcanon/personal belief.

[autisticlancemcclain]

Somewhat Personal But How Did You Find Out You Were Autistic?

oooou, that is personal!!

funnily enough i found out during covid lol. i’ve always been very outcasted and Strange — not enough that i needed an IEP or that i got overt soecial treatment, but enough that i seriously struggled to get along with people my age. however my mother is also autistic (something she has only found out recently) and most of my family is full of fellow weirdos, so of course ow as told that all of my strangeness was just normal. i had no reason to think that i was autistic, i just thought i was ugly so people didn’t want anything to do with me unless they had to be near me.

i narrowed it down to autism after falsely going through a bunch of other diagnoses. i’m diagnosed with depression, which i don’t have (only seasonal), because some of the symptoms (irritability, strange sleep schedule, mood swings, etc) lined up with things that happened to me when i was overstimulated. i thought i had OCD for a whole, but then i realised that altho im obsessive, i’m not compulsive (i have strong urges to do very particular things in particular orders, but i don’t feel as if i have to do them or my family will die, or i have to do them or i will get sick, etc etc. i do things like wash my hands frequently and obsessively because occasionally they feel dusty for no reason, or i think about germs too much, which is more autistic than OCD but can be both.)

to answer your question better, i knew i was autistic because i kept relating to autistic people in media, and whenever i looked through diagnostic lists and stuff like that i kept feeling more and more seen. i don’t have an official diagnosis (i’m scared that it’ll affect me in the long term such as passport restrictions or job denials) but i’ve talked to a shrink and she’s told me that i seem to match the description lol.

so if you’re thinking you might fit the bill, i encourage you to do some poking around. read some autistic people’s memoirs, check wikipedia sources for more detailed info, do some self reflection. consider using autistic tools whether or not you are diagnosed if they will help (i.e. headphones in noisy places, sensory-friendly clothing, requesting that people speak more clearly to you — i’m too anxious to do this so i just pretend i’m dumb so people over explain things to me lol). above all else i recommend leaning into the weirdo role and allowing yourself to be cringe and strange. eventually people will find you endearing. best of luck and ily <33

[mercifullymad]

Oh my good thank you for the post about ocd

Honestly I feel like it’s one of the diagnoses where all the discourse I see is incredibly medicalized and focused on acting as if ERP is literally the only way to treat it and anything else is A Lie and basically immoral to recommend to someone with ocd, lol

When, in my own experience, erp techniques have helped me break out of a few obsessive cicles, but other therapy approaches have helped me a lot more, honestly

Like. I would love to have a conversation about this, if you want to, because I have a lot to say on the subject, and would love to hear more about your perspective, lol. But yeah, the “fighter” approach is so tiresome. And I really hate that erp culture has people promoting attitudes like communally refusing to provide reassurance to someone with ocd because it’s agreed to be universally Bad For Us, without considering specific circumstances, harm reduction or personal authonomy, to give just one example.

Thank you; I’m glad you liked that post and could relate!

I differ a bit in that I don’t think OCD is not particularly unique in being medicalized; the discourse around nearly every mental illness diagnosis is these days. Nor do I think it’s particularly unique in framing recovering from OCD as a “fight,” either — as I mentioned in the tags of that post, the idea of “[X disorder] fighter” is also very popular in eating disorder circles. 

What the framing around OCD does seem fairly unique in is the insistence that there is only one technique for effectively treating it: ERP. With other diagnoses, such as depression and eating disorders, it’s more accepted that a range of techniques, treatments, and/or approaches might help (talk therapy, medication, exercise, etc). But with OCD, any approach other than ERP is framed not only as ineffective, but actively harmful, and this is where we arrive at the conclusion you mentioned, that reassuring someone with OCD is harmful — or even immoral — and shouldn’t be done under any circumstances. Interestingly, this element of the “morality” around (not) reassuring people with OCD is somewhat less (or differently?) moralized than diagnoses where one specific type of medication is framed as The Only Right Treatment, since reassurance is interpersonal and relational. 

To be transparent, I have not done a ton of structured ERP therapy — I've only done a couple months' worth, and it was over Zoom, so very different than doing it in person, at least if I wanted to "more effectively" address my obsessions and compulsions. I was also wary and critical of the ERP framework going in, which definitely contributed to my decision to end treatment "prematurely" (before being "cured," essentially). However, in my limited experience, I have had a similar experience as you around what ERP has and hasn’t helped. In some areas, repeatedly exposing myself to anxiety-inducing situations helped bring my anxiety down over time. In other cases, it did nothing but perpetually raise my anxiety for the length of the exposure treatment. 

My real gripe with ERP is that it removes even the option of attaching meaning to your anxiety, thoughts, and/or experiences. I understand that framing your thoughts/compulsions as “invaders” to your brain or as “just OCD” as opposed to part of “you” can be relieving. It’s easy to see why, and I have also found this framing relieving at times and in certain situations. But in cases where exposure therapy hasn’t worked, I’ve found the most relief and freedom from exploring what meaning might be found in my experiences (and sometimes this relief and freedom comes from simply reframing/shifting/re-relating how I view and think about my experiences). 

I very much agree with your last comments that believing it is Universally Bad to provide reassurance without considering harm reduction, personal autonomy, and individual circumstances is a harmful (and calloused and depersonalized!) approach. And I would love to hear what else you have to say on this topic!

[defectivegembrain]

Okay so to the anon asking about pushing back a special interest to focus on uni work. There's no normal way to explain this it's weird, but I cannot actually publish your ask because of something to do with a couple of words you used and how my OCD decided they're bad luck. I tried to talk myself round it, can't do it. That's not in any way your fault or your problem, but I'm just explaining why I'm not doing that and am just going to try and answer the question here.

So you have a new special interest, and you can't stop thinking about it enough to focus on schoolwork? And you don't have the structure of high school that helped you, and you don’t have a diagnosis so accommodations aren't an option?

So the thing is I'm very lucky in that I was able to study a special interest in university (linguistics), so I didn't really have that problem. But I suppose there was college before that, where only some of it was related to that. I get what you mean about structure, that's really crucial for me too. Is there possibly some way you can create more structure for yourself? Like scheduling specific times you always study? Maybe schedule some special interest time for right afterwards, as motivation? I don't know how you feel about contact with other students, but there may be study groups or something you can join so you're like, officially scheduled to study with expectations from other people as well?

Even if you can't get accommodations, you could possibly talk to a tutor or other advisor at the uni? Lots of students struggle to keep up their studies even if they're neurotypical, they will be used to giving advice. Depending on the person and if you can trust them you could even mention autism, just to explain the problem more specifically. I don't know if you want to pursue a diagnosis, but I have heard of some people being pointed in that direction before because they were struggling in further education. It can take a long time, so it might not be immediately helpful, but it might be useful to think about in the long run.

Another thing is, do you think there's any way you can fit your special interest into your work? Something cool about university versus school is you often get more choice in the specifics of your assignments. When I was in college and doing things not directly related to linguistics, I would take every opportunity to fit it into other subjects. For example, in psychology when I had to write about Skinner, I got in some significant discussion of his views on child language acquisition and Chomsky's response to them. If you can make it relevant, this can lead to a lot of interesting and insightful work. Of course, it might depend on the interest, but there might be less obvious connections that you could be more equipped to figure out because you're so into this thing. I also once brought Buffy the Vampire Slayer into my linguistics work by talking about the treatment of different British accents and their association with stereotypes.

If anyone has more tips, please feel free to add them!

[ocd--culture-is]

questioning ocd culture but I don’t have or undiagnosed ocd but this is just ruining me + bothering me too much so I really hope u don’t mind me asking

Tw : s/h 

so these few months I’ve been having really violent + extreme intrusive thoughts that usually make me have a breakdown or panic attack. also I would constantly do self harm in a way to cope and to convince myself that those thoughts aren’t real at all and that I’m just faking it for attention. and then I usually feel like I’m going insane and that everything is going wrong because of me. I don’t know anymore. I think I may have ocd, but I’m scared of getting diagnosed cause I don’t want my parents to find out. Not asking for a diagnosis here but what do you think these things sound like? 

 feel like I’m overreacting. sorry. if u ever feel offended or uncomfortable, just delete this ask 

Don't worry, you're not "overreacting" in any way, these thoughts and behaviours really are frustating and hard to deal with! Neither is this offensive, you're just trying to figure out why you feel the way you do, or think or behave, ect. I don't mind things like these! So feel free to ask and or dm me on here or my main, I'll try my best to help in any way I can. Butttt I'm not a psychiatrist or anything of that sort, so don't rely too much on me

I'm really bad with long texts, so bear with me; I'm sorry if I skip over something ALSO I'M REALLY SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. I don't know how to shorten it, I'm sorry. (Hopefully you aren't like me and don't have trouble with paragraphs)

Intrusive thoughts, let's start with that, while they are very common in OCD, many disorders have it as a symptom. Also to not forget that people w/o disorders may also get them once in a while. It seems to me, you're reacting heavily to these thoughts, which means there is most definitely something more to it. I can't tell you what it might be, it could be OCD if compulsions are present as well as some of the other symptoms/criteria, but it could also be something else.

As for the sh part, it might be a temporary coping mechanism but it's not gonna help or change your thoughts in any way There's safer mechanisms out there to help, that could maybe also help with the intrusive thoughts in a way, my dms are always open to help come up with alternatives. I won't get further about that cause it's not something you really asked and I can get how frustating it sometimes is if someone goes "stop sh'ing!!! it bad" as if you do it for fun, and you probably know it's not a healthy way to cope.

Also, I've said this before in a post (?) but feeling like you're faking it for attention or for any reason does not immediately mean you are actually faking it. Your mind is just convincing you otherwise. You can't struggle with something that does not exist; if these thoughts weren't real or if you were faking them, you would not struggle with them in any way or go crazy cause of them.

[winemom-culture]

My endocrinology appointment wasn’t good and I’m sad

My heart rate and blood pressure were both high. These things, weight loss, and my eye symptoms were the initial symptoms of my Grave’s back 2 years ago. So my doctor was like… I think you might be hyperthyroid again based on your heart.

But I don’t really know if my heart is a great metric. Bc like, my heart rate is always high. Especially at the doctor when I get anxious. I told her this, but in order to consider it not related to the thyroid she wants to see my bloodwork (expected) and a cardiologist work up. Which, that part feels a little excessive to me when I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong I just have a little bird heart. Arrhythmia runs very heavily on my dads side but it gives them problems with palpitations, I don’t really have those often, just like a fast baseline constantly. When I first got diagnosed with Grave’s my HR could’ve been 130-40 easy RESTING, so I sorta feel like 120 while anxious (what it was today) is relatively better? When I’m at home it definitely feels like normal until I exert. She’s like “You have to stay on beta blocker until you get your heart under 80 bpm” and I’m like lol. No offense but my heart is like never consistently under 80 even on the beta blockers 🥲 beta blockers became a big crutch to me last year and I feel like getting off them made me feel weird even though they are non-addictive I am semi-convinced that’s why I became so hyperfixated on my heart in my big anxiety spiral in 2021. I really don’t want back on them….

The thing I’m definitely NOT experiencing now is weight loss. I did the math and I’m like 80 pounds heavier then when I started going to her in 2020. And she has said that is from the thyroid medicine. Not that the medicine is bad, it’s doing it’s job of blocking thyroid hormone, but in turn that slows my metabolism a lot. I’ve tried to express my concerns about the constant weight gain, the fact that I feel like a ravenous monster, that I just can’t get a grip on it at multiple past appointments and I feel like she kinda brushes that off, always just “so anyways about that heart…..”

So now I get blood work next week for a moment of truth to see what the deal is. If I’m hyperthyroid I have to get back on my meds and probably consider surgery to take it out (that I don’t have time, money or a support system for- because my parents would be against this. That’s a whole other insane can of worms.) OR I am still in a balanced thyroid state but have to go figure out what’s wrong with my heart.

My health OCD is immediately revving up about being alone at my place, like “you don’t want to be alone all the time with high heart rate and blood pressure do you? What if you stroke out and die? Right there where you’re sitting?” Which is funny, ‘cause yesterday I didn’t know any better and was perfectly fine being alone, while presumably in the exact same boat healthwise. Ignorance was bliss

I’m feel like I’m gaining like 5 pounds every time I step on a scale and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, I literally have to get it figured out and under control this year. I’m totally just overwhelmed and don’t know how to start or how to truly stick to it. I cried my whole way home and I’m getting myself worked up again venting this out. Hope I can keep that pain fresh in my mind as motivation. Real meltdown hours. I don’t want all these problems at 26. It’s making me think about stuff down the road, what if I decide in 2 or 3 years I do want to have another kid after all? I genuinely don’t think as it is right now I would be medically advised to try. It only gets more high-risk as I get older. The thyroid and fertility/complications go hand in hand. It’s like, y’know, that’s awhile down the road there’s still time, but I’m 2 years out from initial diagnosis and as of right now I feel much more vaguely unhealthy in a general sense than I did then.

I just wish there were a more receptive endo around here but as far as I can tell from looking in the past, this office is really the best we got rn.

[camping-with-monsters]

🫀Welcome To The Campgrounds… I’ve Never Actually Been Camping…🫀

INTRODUCTION POST

🌼A BIT ABOUT ME🌼

🫀Kiwi/Goldie

🫀21 y/o

🫀She/They

🫀I make art! I very occasionally write. I also make a couple overly edited memes sometimes. I also do video edits. Most are just lighthearted silly things to try and get a laugh from people but I do still like to make more serious, organized videos like animatics.

🫀My YouTube Channel is Camping With Monsters if you wanna see some of them!!

🫀I’m into a couple different fandoms… (will edit if I think of any more + get into any others)

— Pokémon

— Don’t Starve

— Cuphead

— My Singing Monsters

— Undertale

🫀My inbox is open if you ever want to shoot me a message!! I don’t always wanna chat to random people though so don’t get worked up if I don’t respond immediately or at all.

🫀I also really like shiny hunting. I’ll try to post more clips of my shiny encounters!

🫀 I also have an original story called “Duck Duck Goose” which revolves around “twisted” fairy tales (either twisting the meanings of the stories or things like Grimm fairy tales.) I’m super ambitious about!! I will also not shut up about it ✌️😁 (this story is also open to making OCs for, so feel free to ask about that if you’re interested at all…?)

❌DNI/DNF❌

— Basic DNI criteria

— Pr///oshippers/C///omshippers (y’all are the same. They’re synonyms. Stfu.)

— Z///oophiles

— L///oli or Sh///ota

— TERFs

— K///nk Blogs, but especially pregnancy k///nk blogs considering I’m creating a story featuring a pregnant protagonist. There’s a time and a place for that, but it’s not here.

— Dr///eam supporters

— AI “artists” or AI “art” defenders

— NFT/Cryptobros

— Yandere fans/supporters

— H///zbin H///tel, H///lluva B///oss, and all things V///vziepop.

— If you support I///sreal.

🏷️Important Tags🏷️

The Kiwi Draws — My art tag. Find my art here

The Kiwi Speaks — Occasional banter/ramblings

The Kiwi Makes Videos — Usually for, of course, any videos I make, be it memes, animatics, etc

The Kiwi Shines — Shiny hunting clips or general shiny hunting shenanigans. Eventually going to properly tag all of my shiny hunting posts.

❗️Disclaimers❗️

🫀 I have Tourette’s and Anxiety (officially diagnosed) and Autism (self diagnosed for now, I’ll see about getting an official diagnosis, but with the healthcare system, I might just continue without.). I probably have ADHD and/or OCD as well tbh

🫀 I do have some communication issues and can often stumble upon my words or say the wrong thing, please just be patient with that. I try to clarify when I don’t have a proper way to explain things.

🫀 I sometimes have OCD-related issues with typing and may occasionally uses speech-to-text. If random words in my sentences are capitalized or very strange typos occur, that’s because having this issue for such a long time has uh. Actually fucked with my phone’s keyboard’s predictability! It’s not fun!

🫀 Please use tone indicators with me!!

🫀 Some of my drawings may contain potentially sensitive media ((I.e. Blood/Gore or Drugs)) but it’s usually tagged with Tw (insert trigger) or // (insert trigger) , usually both.

🫀 I do occasionally roleplay, but if for whatever reason we were to roleplay and I don’t respond for a while or stop responding entirely, please do not pester me to respond. Sometimes I get tired of typing narratively and not very good at communicating about doing other things.

🫀 I uuuuuhhhhhh pull all-nighters sometimes ✌️😁

🫀 I SWEAR A LOT. I SAY FUCK A LOT. THIS ISN’T THE TOURETTE’S BTW THAT’S JUST ME LOL.

FREE PALESTINE 🇵🇸🍉

🌻OKAY BYYEEEEE🌻

[ilovebeingaturtle]

I love your fanfic!!! I love how soft and cute the 1897 gang are!!!!!! Aksbaksbakaksmsksksns 🥺💕

What are some plans you have for the fic? Will there be any lgbt or neurodiverse headcanons in the fic?

AWEE YAY THANK YOU!! 💕💕 This means so much I got so happy seeing this notification aaa!! I’m glad you love the 87 boys,,

Also aa thank you for asking! (this. Turned into such a long answer I’m so sorry for rambling AHA)

One big plan I feel comfortable talking about is that I am going to send the remaining 2012 boys to Rise soon! I feel like that’s not too spoilery, both because it’s something that will happen soon and something that was kind of inevitable pfft. I have some cute moments for them to all get to bond, I have a big overarching plot and stakes I want to introduce? But I also really just want to have a ton of fun moments and focus on everyone getting to know each other. I want to try write interactions or dynamics I haven’t seen been done much yet, so hopefully I deliver! (I actually scripted out a 12!Raph and Rise!Leo scene for in future this morning pfft)

Another thing I guess there’s no harm in saying is that I want 87!Shredder and 87!Krang to really play a main part in this! They’re the versions of those characters I find the most fun/easy to write, so at least for the beginning stages they’re going to be focused on antagonistic forces. I just think they’re so goofy I love their dynamic sooooo much, and they fit my writing style perfectly! So expect them in future eheh

That’s not to say Rise and 2012 villains won’t get a centre focus at any point though! Rise has such a fun rogues gallery and with 2012, I really want to play with the domino affect, I mean taking the turtles out of the picture right before so many major things has gotta have some consequences~ (they don’t even know April’s part Krang yet…)

When it comes to LGBT headcanons, I do definitely have some! Technically?? I think I’ve already said that everyone is somewhere on the aroace spectrum (especially the Rise turtles) I also find the idea of 2012!Donnie and 2012!Leo being nonbinary in some form sweet, so I will probably have little moments about that scattered through the fic! (Also I think it would be really funny if 2012 Leo and Dee both went to other universes and then when they finally reunite they’re both not cis anymore. Spider-man pointing meme the dimensional radiation took their fucking gender-) I typically don’t think too much about this kind of thing though, I’m someone who’s LGBT+ that doesn’t bother too much with labels for themself so it’s honestly kind of hard for me to put fictional characters in a box too-but everyone definitely is in someway! That’s the best I can answer that probably

TLDR: They’re all loser teenagers who haven’t realllyyy figured themselves out yet, but they’re all pretty comfortable with whatever their identities might be, so for now they’re just gonna focus on saving the world HA

As for the neurodivergent side of things, again the whole main cast definitely is!! We all knew that though ♥️ AHSAJHA I can find traits from my own diagnosis in basically all of them, so they’re all on the spectrum! Sobs sorry this is another pretty broad answer-so to list someeeee?

I’m definitely writing all four 87 turtles and 2012!April and 2012!Raph with being autistic in mind! 2012!Donnie as well, but also apparently he does canonically has OCD?? I don’t 100% know if that’s canon, but I will be keeping that in mind while writing him as someone who also has it. 2012!Leo I headcanon along those lines too-it-see this is why it’s hard for me to answer none of these kids are neurotypical in my mind-

Sorry these were such non answers AHA, I guess the easiest answer is yes there is? But I’m genuinely happy with them all being up for interpretation! I won’t be enforcing many of my headcanons on the story really, just writing what feels natural, so you guys can interpret them however you want from there! I don’t really want to lock anyone in because I don’t want to stop people from being able to see them in ways that make them happy same as they can for the original shows

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Talks of BPD / Quiet BPD / avoidant personality disorder

-

So in my differential diagnosis list is APD and BPD - so I’m still working through it with my one of my psychologists but she is like 99% sure I have both. But she is also always telling me I’m very “atypical” in my BPD. In the sense that’s it’s very internal (in the way quiet BPD is described) and that I don’t have a lot of that anger or like “I’m going to test you” personality. I wouldn’t say I dissociate but I just majorly emotionally check out. I’ll do what I think I have to or what is the right thing to do (to be fair I think that has to do with my OCD lololololol) but it’s like I just bllehhhhhhh.

And I’m thinking maybe that’s got to do with the APD. like that shutting down and not dealing with it or confronting it. Like my APD intercepts and that’s how I self sabotage relationships. I think I’m getting at that maybe my BPD is atypical or doesn’t reach that point because my APD feeds off it and acts as a buffer

(This also isn’t me trying to shame or demonise other people with BPD - I’m just writing this all out to try and understand myself and experiences and so I don’t forget to bring it up with her when I see her next. Because it might be awhile and I don’t want to really bring it up with my male psychologist lol.

[strdstwmn]

It’s come to my attention that a lot of people that are very vocally anti self diagnosis of any kind (but especially Autism) are so because they don’t want people faking a disease or disability (which is a valid concern) BUT here is where my agreement and sympathy end because HOW WOULD YOU KNOW.

I mean seriously. Not every single autistic person is going to present with the same symptoms and this the true for countless other disabilities.

Both my mother and one of my very close friends have MS, but my friend has to use a wheel chair to get around most of the time and my mother is capable of doing a very physically intensive job (and both of them have been officially diagnosed by medical professionals). If you were to look at them side by side you wouldn’t be able to tell for sure if they had the same issues, but they do.

My father and I both have Psoriatic Arthritis, but his Psoriasis shows up on his back where as my is focused on my scalp. If you saw his back and mine would you then tell me I was faking having Psoriasis just because you couldn’t see it when compared to his?

Getting an official diagnosis for any kind of disability is an incredibly long tiring and expensive process not to mention the fact that a lot of people will be ignored and dismissed by doctors who don’t think they present in a very specific way. Most medical professionals follow an autistic diagnostic criteria based off of white elementary aged boys which greatly excludes anyone who is AFAB, POC or who would have had to mask and self regulate to be viewed as normal because they weren’t diagnosed early enough.

I understand the concern that bad people will try to force themselves into a community that they only want to harm, but truthfully they are going to do that no matter what, why is it right to make good honest people suffer because of what bad people do?

So I’ll say this right here and now as someone with Diagnosed ADHD, OCD and Anxiety Disorders. If you believe you might have any of these things but haven’t been able to be medically diagnosed and you need someone to relate to and share experiences with I’m here for you and fuck everyone else❤️

[randomemoguy]

Hey! I’m starting a little blog as another way of coping with life instead of going back to 3D twt/tumblr, sh or any other self destructive things that never ended up helping. I think this will be beneficial in sharing things that I don’t feel like sharing with my parents or the people around me. I’ll start with some basic info about myself;

I’m probably not gonna share my name, but I’ll go by my nickname, Ko, on this blog, as it’s a little more comfortable for me :)

I’m also not comfy with sharing my precise age, but I’m a minor and above 15.

Here’s the (diagnosed) disorders I have: autism, adhd, gender dysphoria, oppositional defiant disorder —> (very likely an early misdiagnosis of autism from when I was like 8), generalized anxiety disorder and depression.

I’m also 99.999999% sure I have ocd, and my therapist is pretty sure as well but I do not have a formal diagnosis.

I’m disclosing these because I feel like it may be easier to understand some of my behaviours/thoughts.

My special interests are cats/felines, horror (movies, games, books, etc.), Animal Jam and art. I draw pretty much everyday and might post some drawings here at some point. I don’t really care if this somehow gains any popularity but I just need an outlet for my thoughts, something that’s personal yet anonymous. Also, I’m not in any way wanting to unalive seriously, the only form of those thoughts are intrusive ones connected to my (maybe) ocd, so if I stop posting there’s no need to worry abt that, it might just be because I got bored of this lol. I’ll write here whenever I feel like it basically, so tw on the whole account bc there might be some vents occasionally

[erinabear]

It’s Black Friday and my body decided to stay up all night, probably because earlier this week I slept for two days straight. I don’t feel manic or super energized, though. Just awake.

The sun rises in an hour and all I want to do is sit on my patio while it does so and smoke a joint while I sip my coffee, but I’m not allowed to smoke on my own goddamn patio because my landlord’s a fascist. So instead of doing the kind and responsible thing and not smoking inside my apartment at all, I keep the windows open and burn incense and spray heavy duty air deodorizer. It mostly works.

I tried to severely limit my own screen time last night and failed. TikTok did me in. I did, however, spend more time overall playing ukulele and watching tv and writing than I did scrolling on my phone, which feels like progress.

I reached out to a psychologist a few days ago about seeking an official OCD/body dysmorphia diagnosis. I have a consult next week, and I think I’m going to ask about ADHD, too. I read an article about ADHD and perfectionism that made me cry because it literally felt like I was peeking into my own brain. The more I learn about it the more it all makes sense, and the more I wonder whether I actually have bipolar disorder and not just ADHD.

I’m not going to say that things can only go up from here, because something absolutely catastrophic could happen to me tomorrow, but it does kind of feel that way sometimes. Either way, I feel hopeful in this moment.

Today I’m going to clean my kitchen, which I haven’t fully done since I hosted Friendsgiving last Saturday. My bedroom is a goddamn nightmare, but part of getting that together involves choosing clothes to get rid of, and that feels too overwhelming for me right now. I think I might ask my friend Sarah to come over soon and hang out with me while I go through my entire closet.

I feel like I was limping along for a good while, just trying to get through each day, but right now I feel content and supported and loved, and that makes hard things feel easier.