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inkandfig · 2 years

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Norwegian Wood

Haruki Murakami 1987 296 pages

Finished June 2, 2022

My Rating: ★★★★

Content Warnings: sex, underage sex, poor treatment of mental health issues, poor treatment of neurodivergence, generalized ableism, misogyny, suicide. (If you believe I have missed anything, please let me know.)

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This review contains spoilers.

I am hardly the first person to review this book. Norwegian Wood is arguably one of Murakami’s most popular works, particularly at this point in time on the social media scene.

I have seen this book more than any other of Murakami’s grace the flatlays of Instagram, and for good reason. This book feels sophisticated yet down-to-earth, thoughtful yet accessible. The narration style is relatable and familiar; our narrator, Toru, is as likely to tell you about his morning shaving routine or his German homework as his deeper feelings for the people around him.

Toru, ostensibly our main character, is easily the least interesting person in the book. He has a quality that reminds me of Nick from The Great Gatsby (which, admittedly, I have not read in its entirety). He is, however, trying to sift through the murk that comes in the years following the sudden and unexpected suicide of his best friend, Kizuki, at the age of 17. Toru admits in the first pages that he is constantly thinking about himself, and it shows. The book, which could have been a brilliant exploration of some truly fascinating people, is coloured by how he believes all of these people relate to him. He is a main character utterly lacking in main character energy, which seems pretty true-to-form for Murakami in my experience.

But he manages somehow to surround himself with fascinating women, all of whom, I’m sure you’ve guessed since it’s a Murakami novel, he has sexual relationships with.

Naoko fills the roll of our primary love interest, but on a deeper level she is suffering from significant mental health issues following the death of her closest friend and lover, Kizuki. These issues are, sadly, not explored as deeply as I would have liked and seem to matter more to the narrative in terms of how they pertain to Toru and his attraction to Naoko. This is about as deep as we ever get with Naoko, and frankly, she deserved better.

Reiko, arguably my favourite character, is a mischievous middle-aged woman (or so she is framed, I think she may be younger than the narrative lets on) who is struggling with her mental stability and sexual identity following a pressure-cooker childhood and a strange sexual experience in her adult life (which, if I’m being honest, I’m not entirely convinced actually happened). There may be some kickback on this “sexual identity” note, but let’s face it: this book was written by a man in Japan in the 80s. They didn’t have the vocabulary anywhere at the time to describe these complex feelings, and as a person who’s had to sift through myriad labels to figure out my own identity in the past, I can say with relative confidence what whatever Reiko may identify as in the vocabulary of the 2020′s, it’s not straight.

Midori is Toru’s first actual relationship outside of the context of his childhood and teenage trauma. Midori is a firecracker with her own hangups, her own motivations, and a personality that is entirely her own. She has major manic pixie dream girl vibes, but she does have some deeper aspects to her. She is the sole care-giver for her ailing father who is dying in hospital and she lives above the family’s moody book store (who’s main export appears to be skin mags) and seems to live life on her whim. The portion of the book about her father played into Toru’s personal journey in a big way - he had only experienced death in terms of Kizuki’s suicide at 17 and this was an old(er) man who had lived a full life. However, taking Toru out of the picture completely, this was the aspect of Midori’s story that spoke the most loudly to me in light of my own experiences with my grandfather. She may be the manic pixie dream girl for the story, but I really connected with her over this. Women will always be deeper than men and male characters in general will ever see them.

In terms of plot, there isn’t one, really. At least not a conventional one. This is a very character-driven story. Toru is processing the loss of Kizuki and he spends the majority of the book waiting for Naoko to feel better (anyone who suffers from mental health issues can see the problem here) so that he can go back to the familiar and pick his life up where it last made sense. Meanwhile he is dragged through a tumultuous present by Midori and makes a deep connection with Reiko who ultimately pulls him into the second-half of his life by, you guessed it, having sex with him. Toru then moves on to live what is presumably a perfectly normal life that somehow lands him in Germany in the first two pages of the book - something that is frustratingly never explained nor revisited throughout the rest of the book.

I feel as though I’m coming across as quite cynical about this book. Why, then, did I give it four stars? It was, honestly, the writing style. Murakami’s writing style is what keeps dragging me back to his books even though I now come to expect sex-driven slogs through coming-of-age male ennui from every piece of writing I pick up from him (this isn’t entirely accurate; Absolutely on Music: Conversations with Seiji Ozawa was a sex-free delight).

Fluid, relatable and thought-provoking, Murakami’s writing style ticks off a lot of my check boxes. I think it’s fair to consider Murakami a “modern classic” writer. Classics typically scare me because the writing is often purposefully convoluted and it seems to know that and do it out of spite for the larger reading population regardless. Murakami simply tells it how it is, albeit through a very specific lens (see: coming-of-age male ennui), and there’s something comforting and freeing about that. I find that I can put aside the self-centeredness of the narration to really enjoy the more slice-of-life aspect to the writing. I mean really, who amongst us isn’t a little practiced at tuning out men’s bullshit at this point? If you can apply this to Murakami’s work, the view really is worth the extra investment.

Ultimately, if you’re already practiced at ignoring men or reading between the lines of their self-centred narratives, Norwegian Wood can be a beautiful, slice-of-life story about three fascinating and complicated women and one dying old man. Even if you don’t ignore the narrator, this is a story about people who are just trying to do their best as they try to make life happen in and around the context of death. If you can handle the content warnings listed at the top, I think this book is worth reading. You might even enjoy it.

#book review #norwegian wood #haruki murakami

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arcane-ish · 3 years

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There seems to be a lot of variety in where people see Silco in regards to three different parameters.

- Good/bad person - Good/bad father to Jinx - Whether his feelings for her were real/true

I tend to think that imo it’s fully possible that by the end he really did love her more than he did himself (imo yes he always saw himself in her so there is always some level of narcissism in wanting to protect her and wanting her to suceed, but I think in the end he did see that he didn’t fully control her, but he loved her anway) and yet he can still be a factually bad parent.

At the same time, there are also situations where he can be a factually bad father, but I struggle to see it as narrowly on a morally good and bad scale.

Like, it is true that Jinx has emotional/mental problems and if this was real life she should have gotten therapy. But at the same, this is a fantasy world fashioned after industrial revolution England, it seems doubtful that psychology is even a doubtful thing there. So I struggle to blame Silco for not getting Jinx therapy when nobody in this world likely has a concept of therapy (it’s not like Vander got Jinx and Vi therapy for the loss of their parents).

Which doesn’t mean that he couldn’t have done better even with just his “street smarts” level of knowledge and understanding people, I’m just saying in the environment they live in it’s probably a lot less clear cut in common understanding what’s the right way to raise a child (not that this is 100% agreed on in modern life, but I think there are at least more tendencies).

In believing that Silco did love Jinx his own way, I tend to read him as a fundamentally flawed and damaged person, who was a bad parent to Jinx in some ways because he wouldn’t look past his own insecurities. Giving him the leeway that most of what he said to her is true rather than manipulation (I understand that not everybody is going to agree with that, but let’s just assume, plus I think particularly by the end the goal of his manipulation had become a lot less important if it hadn’t outright disappeared).

Anyway, so, assumption: Silco has his own heavy hang ups about betrayal/trust/lonliness. One of his biggest flaws as a parent is keeping Jinx away from others, most notably Vi. But if Silco has heavy hang ups, that makes slightly more sense. If he thinks Vi is bad news and would just hurt Jinx. He doesn’t want to Jinx to get hurt by Vi, because he sees himself in her and he thinks it woulld just be like him being hurt by Vander all over again.

Similarly, okay, let’s ignore Vi, one of the most striking things is Jinx’s lack of friends her own age (compared to Ekko and all the people he hangs with). Even if we give Silco the benefit of the doubt that he has reason to hate and dislike Vi specifically, imo a good dad would have seen that it would be healthy for Jinx to form friendships with others. But he didn’t, likely because he has hangups where he doesn’t trust anybody.

IMO we have seen that Jinx was capable of disobeying Silco. He clearly gave her a lot of leeway to roam around and be on her own and we know she didn’t see his word as law. So if she wanted to have friends, presumably she could have tried to connect with people while she was roaming around alone. It’s possible that he discouraged/forbid her spending time with other kids or that he stayed silent on the topic or that he accentuated it with generic warnings (ie “people will try to use you because you are my daughter”), but at the very least we can presume that he also didn’t go and try to encourage Jinx to make friends. [there is also likely some factor about him having insecurities about him leaving her? and he doesn’t want to be left again like Jinx was left by Vi or like he felt like he was left? though I could also read him as he sees himself in her so deeply that he can’t fanthom seeing her as Vi or Vander and he can’t really conceive him leaving her and just assumes that any motions in that way would just be temporary setbacks]

My personal pet theory is that we didn’t see Jinx defying him on this subject is because deep down she probably believed him in this regard or rather she believed something about herself that happened to align with him, namely that she felt guilty about Mylo and Clagger and thought she didn’t deserve friends or that she’s a Jinx and would only hurt people.

I think it’s interesting that when Silco takes a stab at her insecurities, it’s about how the world is evil, that other people will betray Jinx, instead of saying stuff along the lines of Jinx suck/is a Jinx/ruins everything. I think that’s why it’s potentially believable that he actually believes what he is telling her, that it’s his own trauma to think that the world is that bad (btw his relationship with the chem barons and Sevika is really interesting in that context).

Overall, I’m getting some Folie A Deux vibes from them, where both are deeply damaged people with a skewed view on the world that isn’t identical but sufficiently similar in some ways. Ie Silco sees “Jinx” in her and Jinx sees that in herself too, but she doesn’t see it quite the same way he does. Silco likely either doesn’t want Jinx to have friends or at least thinks it’s not important because he dislikes all people and Jinx likely thinks she doesn’t deserve friends and would just jinx it up.

TLDR: Silco’s shortcomings as a father often come from his inability to look was his own hangups and insecurities.

Hmmm, there is another meta on me on Silco’s relationship with Zaun and the chembarons and his attitude towards revolution and how meeting Jinx might have softened his stance on what he wants for Zaun or how fast he wants it.

#arcane #silco #jinx #jilco

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darkcircles4lyfe · 3 years

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retrospective & predictions

Since we're on a hiatus week (between 320 and 321) I feel like waxing poetic about the depth and growth of bkdk for a bit. Especially because it seems like we’re right on the edge of their biggest development yet, I’m getting the urge to lay all my perspectives and insights I’ve picked up from others out on the table. This is ultimately only my subjective interpretation of subtextual material in canon, though. If you’ve never quite understood what people see in their dynamic and you’re actually open to hearing me out, maybe from this you can at least see where we’re coming from. And if you don’t like my takes after all, well, we’ll see who’s right in the coming chapters, won’t we? What I have to say can be taken platonically or romantically; I appreciate both.

putting it under the cut, since it’ll be long:

At the risk of projecting, I want to start by examining a couple things based partly on personal experience.

From many different directions, I often hear people expressing that Deku’s persistent attachment and admiration for Bakugou is baffling at best. Despite the bullying, despite Bakugou’s loud, rude, and uncompromising personality, he still puts effort into their relationship and frequently describes him as amazing. It seems like Deku himself is aware of this as he’s said things along the lines of how he’s difficult, BUT... etc. Although I don’t think it’s exactly that Deku finds Bakugou’s personality hard to be around, but that he’s deliberately expressing patience for Bakugou’s emotional turmoil.

I have to say I know what this sort of patience is like, as I went through it with someone I love. I only chose to put up with their behavior because I decided the possibility of what our relationship could be was worth it. I wasn’t blind or submissive to how they treated me, and I wasn’t coerced. I simply expressed myself and established my boundaries while still allowing them the opportunity to join me in my world once they got over their own hangups. And guess what? It worked out in the end. That doesn’t mean there aren’t circumstances where it’s better to cut ties, but I want to stress that true reconciliation is possible sometimes. I used to worry that other people around me thought I was delusional for seeking it, but what really helped was my therapist reminding me that I’m smart and strong. So I think Deku deserves to feel the same. In a way this is his whole mission in life, his approach to being a hero as well as his personal relationships.

Let me also be clear though that I don’t mean Deku is only tolerating Bakugou’s personality, his mannerisms, the parts of him that will likely never change. I’m drawing a line between those things and his emotional state (they so rarely align anyway, but I’ll get to that later). In fact, I think Bakugou’s general attitude is part of what Deku admires. This is gonna be hard to explain without inserting personal experience too, sorry. As a writer myself I’ve noticed I’m drawn to writing characters that are brazen and bold and don't mind telling people off. Really it’s because I operate in the world in the polar opposite way. I try not to draw attention to myself, I’m quiet, and I’m a people-pleaser. People who project confidence, especially in an impolite sort of way, fascinate me. It’s good to take cultural context into account, too: I've heard people who’d know better than me that part of the reason Bakugou is the most popular character in the Japanese fandom is likely because he contradicts a lot of their social norms. His disregard is refreshing and cathartic. I can speculate that Deku has a similar point of view based on what he thinks but does not admit about Bakugou being his image of victory and how this sometimes makes him mimic Bakugou’s speech and mannerisms:

There’s also the bit in this fight where Deku realizes he's the only one able to receive Bakugou’s emotions. This is because he’s the most intimately familiar with him and his situation, but I think there’s another layer. Deku, as we know, has a self-sacrificing tendency, and in the current chapters we’re seeing the worst side of that. But let’s also not forget that to an extent, it can be a positive trait: resilience. When it comes to Bakugou, he has an almost comical ability to dodge the potential fallout of his outbursts. The example we all jump to (and fight about..) is how in ch1, apart from the initial shock of Bakugou suggesting he jump off the roof, the most he reacts is to criticize him for saying such a ridiculous thing. However, I think their interaction post- sludge villain is a lot more interesting:

Note two things: 1, in his head, Deku is practically making fun of how Bakugou’s acting as he stomps away without waiting for a reply. It doesn’t faze him. 2, Deku thinks, optimistically, that he can now focus on a different career choice. This is astonishing really. Up to this point, none of Bakugou’s attempts to put him down have worked; he just kept pursuing his dream. The only reason Deku concedes in this moment it because for the first time, he has been shown that he really couldn't do anything in a fight against a villain. All Might told him he couldn't be a hero (although he’s literally about to take that back in the next few pages lol) and the other heroes at the scene gave him a lecture about it too. It was those experiences, and not Bakugou’s words, that truly affected him. And when All Might tells Deku he can be a hero after all, it’s not thinking of Bakugou’s bullying that makes him sob and fall to his knees, it’s the memory of his own mom never telling him those words he so desperately needed to hear. Having spent most of their lives together, Deku must have been aware all this time that Baukgou was influenced by larger societal forces rather than a core judgement, so he didn’t take it personally. He separated the person from the action, and because he’s resilient and patient, he is thus equipped to handle Bakugou’s emotions. It’s a testament to his maturity and emotional intelligence, really.

But I can almost hear some of you saying, “that doesn’t mean Deku should have to be the bigger person here!” Correct! Just because Deku is perfectly alright bearing all of that, doesn’t mean atonement-era Bakugou sees it this way. We can track his awareness of Deku’s care and selflessness as follows-

The bridge scene, when they’re little kids: Bakugou conflates Deku’s heroism with pity, and subsequently thinks Deku is looking down on him because Bakugou’s own insecurity makes him defensive.

The Sludge Villain, and also Deku vs. Kacchan Part 1: Bakugou witnesses first-hand how easily Deku jumps to risk his own life, but still thinks he’s being looked down on.

The Sports Festival: Bakugou fights Uraraka and recognizes her endurance strategy and refusal to give up as very Deku-like. He’s half right. He thinks Deku advised her in the fight, when in reality she just mimicked Deku because she admired him. I want to draw attention to his very sober comment about her not being frail. It’s a great endearment of Uraraka’s character and Bakugou’s respect for her when others didn’t take “fighting a girl” seriously, but it also reflects on his opinion of Deku. Deku isn’t weak either. He never was.

Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2: Deku finally corrects him about the whole looking-down-on-him thing, and Bakugou is informed that Deku’s selflessness is in fact the reason All Might chose him. Since Bakugou had been in search of what he himself was “doing wrong” for All Might to favor Deku over him, he now has to reconcile the fact that selflessness is a heroic trait, and moreover something he lacks. This is also possibly the first time Bakugou is able to see his past actions toward Deku as bullying since he previously thought it was more mutual. Additionally, Bakugou can now link Deku’s selfless behavior to what he perceived as pity/contempt, and realize that Deku has been giving him A LOT of grace. Maybe too much. Maybe more than Bakugou deserves, and definitely more than Deku should have to. Holy heck- now Bakugou has to figure out how to live up to all the faith that’s been placed in him.

Subtextually, we can see Bakugou’s feelings about atonement reflected in the Todoroki family:

1, Shouto is another example of Deku growing a friendship using his selflessness (since their fight in the sports festival) and their relationship is being acknowledged here where it hasn’t been in Bakugou’s situation. Perhaps Bakugou is wishing it could be so simple for him, to be able to thank him for being his friend like that. Deku saying the pleasure is all his also probably calls to mind how a mere apology from Bakugou would probably be dismissed because that’s just the kind of accommodating person Deku is. Bakugou has to operate more quietly in order to actually make up for their past. I personally don’t interpret this scene as Bakugou being jealous of Deku and Shouto’s friendship, exactly, just the lack of emotional baggage. Side note, Deku and Fuyumi are kinda similar in their desire to repair relationships. I like that she’s the one to give him some credit.

2, With the common terminology, this can be interpreted as Bakugou receiving a model for atonement, one that is about action, and nothing to do with receiving favor or forgiveness. It’s a sense of duty.

Many of the above sentiments are repeated in the flashback conversation between All Might and Bakugou right before Bakugou’s sacrifice.

Bakugou acknowledges his bullying and that it happened because of his own insecurities, but aside from that, it’s interesting he neither confirms nor denies All Might’s suggestion that he’s trying to atone, or that Deku doesn’t see it that way. All Might is a bit of an unreliable mentor sometimes, but I don’t think he’s misreading here. Rather, Bakugou is displaying his tendency to hold back when talking about things that would make him really emotional. Besides, admitting to what he’s doing kind of defeats the purpose. He isn’t seeking acknowledgement. All Might has gotten to the crux of the issue here when pointing out that Deku doesn’t recognize the atonement, likely because Deku doesn't think Bakugou even needs to atone. Am I reading into it too much to say Bakugou looks wistful at this? It’s kinda frustrating sometimes trying to interpret Bakugou’s actions because he’s so paradoxical. Loud and in your face, but also extremely reserved. Sometimes I feel like I’m grasping at thin air, but hey, being hard to figure out is part of his intrigue as a character. The simplest way to look at him is to assume that unless he’s really showing vulnerability, he’s probably deflecting and hiding something.

Speaking of Bakugou’s tendency to to hold back emotional stuff, there’s his apparent lack of issue with Deku calling him Kacchan. Maybe to begin with, in his warped perception of things where he thought they hated each other, Bakugou saw it as Deku’s way of getting back at him for calling him “useless,” and didn't dare give any indication that it actually bothered him. However... consider how betrayed Bakugou has appeared when he was noticeably thinking Deku was looking down on him- the bridge scene, and the beginning of their first year at UA when he thought Deku was hiding a quirk all along. He looks shocked and hurt. That kind of emotion couldn’t be invoked by someone Bakugou didn’t actually care about his relationship with. “Kacchan” comes from a long time ago, before their relationship was strained, so it’s connotations are pure. Maybe somewhere deep down, Bakugou has always been hoping that Deku’s continued use of the nickname was not simply a matter of habit or teasing, but a vestige of friendship they’re both clinging to, and Bakugou himself was too afraid to admit to himself that he felt this way about it, so he mostly ignored it. (These are not original thoughts I am having here lol, this is a common interpretation. I’m just laying everything out like I said.)

And now we turn to the current situation. Personally, I’ve been looking frantically back and forth between them wondering who’s going to break down first (Deku vs. Kacchan Part 3, this time it’s just a fight to get the other person to cry? ha.) Both have looked like they’re approaching a breaking point for some time. Also, I’ve addressed this before, but I think it’s significant that Bakugou is no longer wearing his mask with his hero costume, in contrast to Deku recently donning his own. It feels symbolic of Bakugou about to be upfront about how he feels.

The question is, what is it going to take to get Deku to accept help? If you ask me, Deku has dug himself so deeply into the I’m-doing-this-for-everyone-else’s-safety-and-smiles hole, no common sense argument can possibly reach him. By the end of 320, Deku’s mask is off, and we can see how desperate he truly is. But he has not cried, yet. I predict we’re going to see a bit more of his defiance, this time on full display on his face as the remaining class members and his other friends take their turns. But then I think Bakugou has to be the one to break down so Deku can witness his actions having the opposite effect he intended. People have been pointing out that Deku is currently ignoring Bakugou, and oof, that’s gotta be intentional. Regardless of what Bakugou says, it’s going to be wrapped up not only in his understanding of Deku’s self-sacrifice, but also the betrayal Bakugou feels at being ignored/left behind that ironically echoes his previous perception of being looked down on, as well as a need to express how much he cares about Deku before it’s too late. He must show that the two of them are inseparable because they both act to save each other without thinking, and both feel like losing the other would be like dying themselves. All Might may have been right when he told them they could learn from each other after Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2, but he didn’t fully realize that idea by making sure they stuck by each other for support and balance.

I can’t wait to see what it’ll be like when they do finally get to that point, totally in synch and in tune with each other. They’ll be a powerful force no one is quite prepared for. Who knows when that will be, or even which chapter will be their big showdown, but I know the day is coming.

To speculate even further, I think the 2nd user is going to be really important really soon. And no I don’t mean to suggest that the 2nd user is Bakugou. But I do think their resemblance is key. Okay this is gonna be convoluted...

See how 2nd is the only one still standing? I think that’s symbolic of him withholding his quirk. Deku may not even know what it is at this point, let alone have unlocked it. Given that 2nd approves of Deku’s strategy at this point, it seems odd for him to withhold his quirk based on lack of faith. I think if his quirk was something that would help Deku in combat, he would have shown it to him already like the others did. So what if those gauntlets of his are support items that are meant to make up for his lack of a combat-oriented quirk, rather than to augment it? Mind you, I still have no idea what his mysterious power might be, but I’m dead set on it not being explosion-y. Regardless, I think 2nd looking like Bakugou is more about aiding some grand visual parallel, so! You know how 2nd and 3rd were probably intending to do away with Yoichi but 2nd changed his mind as soon as they made eye contact? This is really a long shot, but I wonder if 2nd’s quirk has something to do with that exchange. Maybe it’s something psychological, or some 6th sense about people he meets. So... in that way 2nd’s quirk could play a role in bkdk reaching a deeper understanding? Idk! But it could be significant at least that 2nd left Yoichi’s question about why he reached out to him unanswered.

One more thing- while I was gathering screenshots I found this. I think “you’re the last one I’m telling” might be foreshadowing for Bakugou revealing his hero name to Deku and it being a Big Deal:

As for other lingering threads in the overall plot right now, such as the UA traitor, Stain, whatever Tsuyu is apparently about to do, All Might’s car maybe in the background of the last page of 320... man I have no idea. All I know is there’s literally 320 chapters’ worth of build-up to this confrontation that can’t be interrupted.

See you next week <3

#phew that was a lot #I just wanted to show how things are aligning #I know a lot of this has been said #bnha manga spoilers #bnha 320 #bnha 321 #mha #bakudeku #bkdk #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bnha meta #lin speaks

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shihalyfie · 3 years

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Daisuke and Ken’s dynamic, and what Ken does for Daisuke in return

Everyone in the main 02 cast can be said to be a little surface-deceptive in some way, and so, even with Daisuke and Ken as the relationship at the forefront of 02′s story, there’s still more going on behind it than first glance would initially make you suspect. It’s all too easy to just take the surface reading and decide that Daisuke is some kind of saint whom Ken is singularly dependent on for his happiness (which would really be quite the unhealthy relationship), or, worse, shove them into the stereotypical BL tropes just because they’re the two at the front, even though the story practically went out of its way to depict them as unusual characters who don’t fit into those kinds of boxes as easily.

Even though it wasn’t stated outright in words, Ken did a lot for Daisuke in return, and there’s a lot of layers to their relationship to each other both in the series and in going forward after it.

What Daisuke does for Ken

That Daisuke and Ken have very “complementary” personalities goes without saying, but this applies to both their surface demeanors and what lies beneath them. Daisuke has an abrasive surface demeanor and a tendency to get defensive, but isn’t actually very assertive at all; on the other hand, Ken is more polite and ostensibly “soft”, but is significantly more assertive than Daisuke is. This also means that, while it would of course be foolhardy to pretend that Ken could easily shrug off all of his trauma, it’s also conversely reductive to shove the two of them into boxes where Ken is a constant crybaby angsting over everything bad that’s happened to him while Daisuke’s the only ray of sunshine who can get him out of it. A lot of Ken’s strength in the series is self-supplied; he of course does end up needing the others’ support at times, but extreme readings like this really don’t give the kid enough credit for how good he is at gritting his teeth and pushing on without anyone prompting him.

The initial problem, however, is that Ken is too assertive about the wrong things at first. Like, say, in 02 episode 26, when he assertively says that he’s going to...recklessly chuck himself into an exploding reactor! For the third quarter of the series, Ken deliberately tries to keep his distance from others, and is very clear and open about his reasons why: in his mind, it’s his responsibility, and the others shouldn’t have to be involved. He doesn’t want their friendship, he doesn’t even think he deserves their friendship, and here’s Daisuke going “okay, yeah, but that’s stupid, shut up and let us help you.”

Adventure and 02 have a strong thread of driving it home that “doing things on sheer principle eventually becomes pointless when it gets in the way of being practical” -- and Daisuke, being a simple-minded and “straightforward” person who doesn’t overthink things, is basically there to keep Ken’s focus back on the proper picture. Because yeah, Ken can attempt to do things like frame things in terms of whether he “deserves” all of this, or “whose responsibility” this all is -- but the fact of the matter is that Daisuke and his friends want to do something and help instead of being sitting ducks about it, Ken’s practically not going to be able to do this alone, and, well, that’s the base of their first Jogress in 02 episode 26! Ken says outright that his goal is to do something to help, but then decides that “helping” should involve suicidally chucking himself into an exploding reactor, and Daisuke, hearing out Ken’s troubles, reminds him that him dying there won’t actually help the way Ken wants to help, because it won’t leave him alive to do all of the other things he wants to do and will hurt his family even more just when he was starting to repair things with them -- and as much as this extremely suicidal plan might temporarily spare the others from dying in an explosion, Daisuke would have to live with the guilt of letting Ken go off to die like that, so it won’t make him happy either.

So in other words, while Ken’s trying to sort out his complicated feelings of guilt, shame, and sense of responsibility, Daisuke’s there to keep his head on straight and remind him when he’s about to run himself in mental circles. Ken would have easily spent the rest of the series trying to make up for what he did even without Daisuke’s help, because he’s such a strong believer in “the right thing to do”, but his way of going on about it would have involved him staying in isolation out of a perceived sense of responsibility, endangering himself out of a sense of self-sacrifice, drowning himself in self-blame and feelings of regret, and, eventually, not addressing the very gaping hole in his life that he very much needs emotional support from others right now.

One thing particularly interesting about the Japanese version of 02 is that, for nearly the entirety of the second half of the series, Ken only refers to Daisuke as “Motomiya”, which is surprising given the fact that he employs given-name basis with the others quite quickly. Ken eventually does commit to “Daisuke” after the series in almost all post-02 material, and this image fits the two so well that pretty much every doujinshi artist has caught onto it despite it not being there all that much in the actual series, but it really took him a while; what gives? (Daisuke himself committed to “Ken” from surname basis “Ichijouji” starting in 02 episode 39.) Well, the important distinction is that Ken dropped the honorific with him from very early on -- meaning that he did want to approach Daisuke with a little bit of casual bluntness in a way beyond the distant respect he treated the others with, but at the time, going straight to buddy-buddy on given name with no honorific at all would have been a bit too much for him, and it comes off as him almost deliberately giving off a sense of distance. Why?

Ken didn’t have too much of an opinion on each individual kid in the group until 02 episode 8, when he developed a particular hatred for Daisuke for “ruining his pride” and decided to emotionally torture him a bit. Then, come 02 episode 25, this same kid approached him with no sense of grudge whatsoever, and presents him with a completely different way of seeing things: “whatever you did in the past, you’re clearly trying to help now, which means we’re now on the same side, so we should work together.” It’s pragmatic; it’s extremely pragmatic, and it’s not like Daisuke was working off of blind optimism and trust as much as he observed, very practically, that Ken was clearly trying to do better now and that therefore they should work together and make use of it. This kind of thought pattern is completely alien to Ken’s “I deserve/don’t deserve this” mentality at this point of this series, and by all standards of his own logic Daisuke should be one of the people who hates him the most, and yet -- nope!

By the time of their Jogress, Ken of course understands that Daisuke’s trying very hard to communicate with him, and thus they develop a sort of rapport -- but they’re not quite friends yet at the level of truly being “comfortable” with each other, because most of the second half of the series involved circumstances where Daisuke was helping Ken through a very emotionally hard time. It’s only at the point of the Christmas party in 02 episode 38 when Ken can really think about having these kids as real friends in terms of socializing and not just people who are willing to work with him in his penance journey. It’s enough that Ken’s able to admit that he wants the help of Daisuke in 02 episode 44, when beforehand he’d been trying to keep everyone out of what he’d perceived as his business. And, as Ken’s slowly more exposed to Daisuke’s way of life and its influence on the rest of the group around him, he comes to understand that maybe having a “close friend who can support him” isn’t that bad after all, since it’s not like these friends are just being “open-minded” towards him; they really are there to support him and his actual feelings and welfare, not just “cutting him slack” because he’s helping.

And so, with that, once the crisis is resolved and all is said and done, Ken finally truly accepts Daisuke as his friend and moves him up to given-name basis (no honorific!). This is most prominently shown in Diablomon Strikes Back, where their interactions are now removed from the question of Ken’s former actions and his emotional problems, and it turns out, they’re still good friends in the sense that friends are. As in, people who laugh together, hang out together, converse with each other casually; even if they are working together on the same thing for the duration of the movie, it’s not such an emotionally tense situation that you could chalk their interactions up to sheer necessity. With Daisuke’s help, Ken was able to move on from all of his past hangups, and the two of them became able to enjoy the moment of “now” like normal children.

What Ken does for Daisuke

Daisuke may be simple-minded enough to not have deep-seated concerns that eat at him every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a bit socially maladjusted during the early parts of the series. Namely, being really insecure and prone to getting defensive whenever he felt he was being made fun of. Those kinds of things were what was most likely to get Daisuke to “lash out” at others, because he slips into his worst bouts of these whenever he’s lacking in validation.

Daisuke was, undoubtedly, improving over the course of the series, with him slowly starting to become more assertive by the time of 02 episode 20. It’s incorrect to say that Ken was the only person who could truly help him with this; 02 is a series about a group dynamic after all (even if the Jogress pairs are the most instrumental in helping each other), and it would be a pretty unhealthy relationship if one person were so dependent on another to even remotely function. But starting in 02 episode 22, when the crisis is momentarily resolved and everyone’s not sure what to do, Daisuke’s feeling of being third wheeled by Takeru and Hikari shoots up right at the moment everyone’s feeling a bit lacking in purpose. Two episodes later, Miyako immediately stages an intervention to help keep his mind off of things, and she’s arguably even the most comfortable with him at this point in time.

It’s not that Daisuke isn’t improving, nor that his friends aren’t trying to help, but, well...emotionally sensitive as Miyako can be, she’s also a bit all over the place herself and sometimes needs restraining; Hikari may be assertive, but she’s pretty obviously apprehensive about shutting Daisuke down too bluntly, and Takeru being so hard to read and evasive about everything means that Daisuke can’t really tell what he’s thinking or understand his intentions; Iori is younger and is restraining himself, so he still won’t cross certain lines with Daisuke. So as you can see, they’re all doing their best, and they’re not doing a terrible job of it either; hell, the rest of the series involves them maturing into people who can better interact with and support each other, so their own relationships with Daisuke are likely to improve even well after the series ends. It’s just that, especially at this point in the series, there’s definitely room for an extra person to fill a certain niche that’s got a gaping void here, begging for someone who’s assertive and put-together enough to regularly keep Daisuke in check, yet also willing to be properly straightforward with him to the extent that he doesn’t have to feel insecure about their intentions. Hmm, who could that be?

Although “the priority of reaching out to Ken” eventually becomes enough of a distraction that it certainly takes Daisuke’s mind off potentially feeling insecure, as we start to see more “casual” interactions between Daisuke and Ken, we see that Ken actually fills in a lot of the gaps that had been so sorely missing in this group dynamic for a while. Forward-thinking as he is, Daisuke’s simple-minded way of going at things has its drawbacks in that he’s not very smart or good at thinking, but Ken is the opposite, being intellectually analytical and much more thoughtful overall, and since Daisuke is the kind of person who defers to others when they’re better than him at something, Ken being right next to him means that he can give him a hand in making important decisions he can’t by himself. This is especially so in Diablomon Strikes Back, when Ken’s role is largely keeping an eye on Daisuke and making sure he’s not a loose cannon -- something he’s very capable of doing -- but also simply being there as a springboard whom Daisuke can comfortably approach and talk to, since Ken is such a mild-mannered, straightforward person who won’t set off his overly defensive tendencies as easily.

That doesn’t mean that Ken is completely above teasing him, of course -- a lot of post-02 material in fact makes sure you understand that he’s not just some soft-hearted saint and can be quite the snarker when he wants, since his increased comfort level with Daisuke means he’s now able to poke at him here and there, even doing something as mean as dumping all of the Christmas shopping on him (the character songs and other related in-character material lie in questionably canonical territory, but that kind of punchline is not unreasonable to imagine given their respective personalities). But, overall, he sets the right tone for Daisuke to have a friend he’s able to be around regularly and receive support from, and to fill in that niche of his casual interactions so that Daisuke can have some more solid grounding in his life.

It’s also a testament to how much Ken himself had changed in terms of becoming the kind of person who could handle Daisuke like this. When the two of them first “met” in 02 episode 8, while Ken was still fully under the influence of the Dark Seed, even if we were to put the part about him being the Kaiser aside, this sort of person would never be able to become a good friend to Daisuke. This episode had Daisuke put him on a pedestal -- someone he’ll never be able to be as good as, whom he looks up to as an “idol”, much like the way Daisuke has a tendency to instinctively put himself down in uplifting others. Thus, it was a negative relationship for both of them; Ken being put on a pedestal that ultimately made him uncomfortable, and Daisuke contributing to putting him there in the first place, and taking it extra personally when that pedestal was shattered. But then, Daisuke himself (and, ultimately, the rest of the group) became able to treat Ken like the “normal person” he wanted to be, with no pedestals, simply considering him as a friend with his own feelings and needs; as a result, being this sort of “normal person” making friends through his true personality and desire to support others meant paved the way for him becoming the one person who was best equipped to deal with the very difficult-to-handle Daisuke.

Incidentally, in terms of Kizuna: considering how 02 was such a series about everyone becoming people who could fundamentally interact and communicate better with others, it stands to reason that everyone’s relationships with each other would uniformly improve even after the events of 02, and you can see better interactions between everyone that go beyond just the Jogress pairs. Ken’s clearly able to interact with more of the people in the group in a much more casual manner than he did in 02 itself, and it’s made an important point in the drama CD that Daisuke took everyone’s incidental advice to heart, not just Ken’s. However, advertising material still prominently features the two as a pair, and although part of this is of course due to marketing, Ken is also the one who gets the final words in extracting his “promise” from Daisuke in the drama CD; the official website also calls special attention to him being the one to accompany Daisuke on his ramen outings, even though the one depicted in the drama CD and movie was planned to involve everyone in the group. There are multiple indications that Daisuke himself has learned to become somewhat less defensive and prone to insecurity compared to himself in 02, and it seems that this was accomplished via Ken still actively putting himself in a role of checking on him and making sure he feels properly supported in all of this.

#digimon #digimon adventure 02 #motomiya daisuke #ichijouji ken #daisuke motomiya #ken ichijouji #shihameta

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tlhrfanfic · 3 years

Text

[Analogical ] Chemistry

Title: Chemistry Ship: Analogical Warnings: Lots of cute and fluff. Words: 5,708 Request: So, this was the next request I chose: an analogical fic where Logan and Virgil are science partners would be vvv cute! if its ok! This was also sent in by an anon.

Summary: Logan is used to the routine of his typical life as a high school teen. When the new student becomes his brand new lab partner, however, changes seem to become the new norm. Logan, surprisingly, doesn't seem to mind.

Read on AO3

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The day was like any other.

… until it wasn’t.

Logan hadn’t changed anything. He had woken up and gotten ready at the same time; he’d taken a shower just like he always did. He had then had breakfast before grabbing his backpack and heading out the door. It was the same ten-minute walk to the high school he’d been attending for the last two years.

Same morning chat with his friends, same walk down the Science hallway, and same Chemistry lab.

Logan settled into his seat before pulling his textbook, notebook, and a pencil out of his backpack.

“Logan.”

He looked up, interest in his eyes. It was, after all, common enough for his teachers to ask him for help with little things from time to time.

The moment his gaze shifted to the unfamiliar teen standing near Mr. Sanders was the moment that everything changed.

A young teen Logan’s age stood with his hands in the pockets of his purple and black plaid hoodie. He had his hood off but it was evident by the way it was scrunched around the back of his neck that it would definitely be on at that very moment if it weren’t for the dress code.

Logan brought his attention back to the teacher as he started to explain that this teen was a new student. Logan glanced at the teen from time to time as he learned that his name was Virgil and that he would be Logan’s new lab partner. Mr. Sanders then asked if he would mind showing Virgil around.

“I would be happy to assist Virgil in any way I am capable, sir.”

Mr. Sanders beamed at him and left Virgil behind as he left for the teacher’s lounge.

“Welcome to the school, Virgil. Are you from out of state?”

Virgil shook his head. “No… he said softly. Perhaps a little shyly. Logan assumed he wasn’t going to say more but a few moments later Virgil spoke up again. “I was homeschooled up until now…”

He shrugged, his hands still in the pockets of his hoodie.

Logan found himself staring at the new guy, wondering why he found him so enchanting. He’d had a handful of crushes in the past but not one of them was as lovely as this one.

“What?!”

Logan blinked. He blushed a moment later, heat rising up the back of his neck, as he realized he had been staring at Virgil for a minute at the very least.

“I apologize. Now, as Mr. Sanders mentioned, my name is Logan. Logan Wright. We are going to be lab partners in this class, evidently.” A thought suddenly occurred to him. “Do you enjoy Chemistry?”

Virgil shrugged.

“I’m not the best at science since my mom is the one who taught me but it’s got its cool factors, I guess.” He shifted a little nervously.

Logan smiled at him gently, nodding.

“That’s more than fine, Virgil. I am quite accomplished at Chemistry so we will not see you fail.”

Virgil blinked before slowly smiling.

“Well… thanks for that… I uh. I appreciate it.”

Logan nodded.

“It’s my pleasure, Virgil. Feel free to take a seat.” He nodded at the empty stool at his lab table.

Virgil hesitated before dropping his backpack onto the stool. He pulled out his Chemistry book, a notebook, and a pencil before setting his bag under the table and taking the seat.

Logan, realizing how close Virgil was, cleared his throat nervously.

“After class, I’ll give you the tour. It’s a fairly big high school but you seem intelligent so I think you’ll learn your way around here in no time.”

He glanced at Virgil who actually smiled.

It was small and Logan almost missed it but it had definitely been there.

“Thanks,” the emo teen said.

“As I said before, it’s my pleasure.”

The smile grew just a few centimeters more and Logan knew that this specific crush would not go away any time soon.

»»————　♞　————««

Virgil walked into Chemistry class two days later and set one of two coffee cups in front of his lab partner. He grinned as the bespectacled teen looked first at the cup and then at Virgil, confusion evident on his face.

“Salutations, Virgil. What is this and what is it for?”

“Mornin’ Logan. That is a caramel latte and it’s a thank you… for, you know, showing me around on Monday.”

Logan smiled and nodded.

“As I said then, it was my absolute pleasure. Thank you for the coffee. Really very nice of you.”

Virgil blushed, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his neck.

“Don’t mention it,” he said, his voice a little quieter. He smiled softly once Logan looked away.

Taking a seat, Virgil pulled out his things for the class. As he pulled his homework out of his notebook, the emo teen watched Logan from the corner of his eyes. He barely held back a sigh.

When his mom had told him that he would be going to public school, Virgil had had a lot of hangups. He had not expected crushing on the very first guy he met to be one of them.

Then again, Logan wasn’t just some guy. Virgil had only known him for two full days but he already felt as if he knew him pretty well. He was different compared to most guys their age, just like Virgil.

“Did you have any trouble with the assignment last night?”

Virgil jumped in his seat because suddenly Logan’s voice was that much closer. He glanced at the other teen, finding him leaning in some to get a look at Virgil’s assignment sheet.

“Oh… uh, yeah. A little but it wasn’t too horrible, I guess.”

Logan nodded before pointing at one of Virgil’s answers.

“Understandable why you got this but you forgot to consider the temperature of the heat source.”

Virgil glanced at the problem and picked up his pencil, erasing before considering the answer once more, now equipped with Logan’s hint. When he had finished, he looked up at Logan with uncertainty.

Logan’s proud smile at the now correct answer made having to redo the whole question completely worth it. He hesitated before pushing the paper toward his lab partner.

“Any others I need to rework?”

By the time the bell rang, signaling the start of first period, Logan had helped him correct the remaining two problems with incorrect answers.

“Virgil,” Logan said as Mr. Thomas started the class. Suddenly a cell phone that was definitely not his phone was being pushed into his hand. He didn’t need any explanation, however, because the phone—which he assumed was Logan’s—was open onto a new contact entry.

“I’ll text you so you have my number too. This way, should one of us require assistance we can help each other out.”

Virgil nodded, not trusting himself to speak as he ignored the heat rushing up the back of his neck and into his cheeks. Instead, the emo teen entered his information, saved the contact, and passed the phone back to Logan.

True to his word, he texted Virgil, the emo teen’s phone vibrating in his back pocket. He would have saved Logan’s number at that moment but class had begun and the thought of sneaking it out had Virgil’s anxiety rising.

Turning to Logan, he mouthed a thank you before turning his attention back to the lesson.

»»————　☠　————««

Logan had hoped but honestly, had not expected Virgil to actually utilize his phone number when he gave it to him. It was with delighted surprise that two nights later—coincidentally a Friday night—that Virgil texted him, asking him for help with the assignment from earlier that day.

Logan called promptly. Virgil picked up by the second ring and for some inexplicable reason, Logan smiled at that.

“Hey, Logan. Thanks for calling.”

“It’s my pleasure.”

Virgil chuckled and Logan got the image of Virgil sitting there in class, a little half smile on his face as he shook his head and laughed just like that. It wasn’t a mean laugh. Just amused. Almost… fond, even.

Logan blushed.

“So… how can I help?”

Virgil proceeded to point out the problem he was having trouble with and Logan was able to figure out where he’d gone wrong. Unfortunately, it was far easier to explain Chemistry concepts in person.

Biting his lip, Logan glanced at his watch and considered the time. It was Friday night and was still fairly early. He and Logan could grab a table at the local cafe and work on the homework. Logan had, after all, promised to help him, and being in person would really make it easier on Virgil.

Not to mention, Logan really wanted to spend time with him.

“Would you want to meet up with me tonight?”

Virgil made a noise that Logan surmised was some sort of sputter and hoped it was a sputter of surprise, rather than disgust. He quickly cleared his throat and pushed on.

“I was just thinking we could grab dinner at the cafe in town and work on this. It really would be much easier to explain and assist you in person.”

Virgil was silent for a moment. It was just long enough that the intelligent teen was worried Virgil had hung up.

“Uh… okay, yeah. Sure. Wanna meet over at mine and walk over?”

“I don’t know where you live, Virgil…”

“Oh, right! Well, I know the place you mean and it’s really close so I guess… I guess, I’ll see you there soon?”

“Sounds good, Virgil. See you soon.”

“See you soon, Lo.”

Logan gave a start at that. No one had ever called him that before. If anyone else in his life had, he probably would have had some scathing words to throw their way. But for some reason… it just sounded so nice spoken by Virgil.

“Yeah,” he replied only to realize that Virgil had already hung up. Blushing, he grabbed his keys, pocketed them and his phone, and headed out the door.

»»————　♞　————««

Virgil chewed his lip as he waited. Glancing around at other people, recognizing a few from school as he buried deeper into his hoodie, Virgil wondered if this had really been a good idea.

Luckily, before his negative thoughts could even hope to rain on his Black Parade, Logan was suddenly standing before him. And like moths to a flame, his attention shifted to only him.

“Hey,” he said, smiling a little shyly. He reached up to slide his hood back enough to see Logan fully and allow the other to see him a bit too.

“Hey,” Logan said, smiling back. The smile was soft. It did things to Virgil’s insides, but there were too many reasons why it was soft for Virgil to be able to bank on it being a specific one. If it was soft because Logan liked him and wanted to be with him, that would be very good. It could just as easily be Logan liking him as a really good friend or regarding him as family.

Since Virgil really, really, really liked Logan… those, while nice, would not be good.

They would not be good at all.

Silence settled over them. Virgil panicked, fearing that it felt a little awkward. However, he was suddenly unable to use his words because he had to go and think about his crush with said crush standing right there. So, the silence stretched, making him panic more.

Luckily, Logan was pretty good at reading signs of a potential panic attack.

“Virgil.”

Suddenly, Virgil’s focus was on Logan. He was still feeling anxious but his focus had shifted enough. Logan was a little like an anchor in that way.

“What… uh, sorry.”

“I was just thinking we should head in. Grab a table, get dinner ordered. We can work on some of the homework while we wait for our food.”

Virgil beamed at Logan.

With such a plan in place, how could Virgil feel anxious?

Well, aside from the butterflies he constantly felt around Logan, but that was beside the point.

“Yeah… that sounds like a plan.”

Logan held the door open for him and Virgil, ignoring the heat rising up the back of his neck, headed inside.

»»————　☠　————««

Logan was beside himself getting to Chemistry class that next Monday. He knew he had no logical reason for feeling this way. Even the evidence of their rather enjoyable evening of dinner and homework on Friday, and the fact that they texted the entire weekend outside of school talk, was circumstantial at best. Yet, he still felt uncharacteristically giddy as he settled in his chair and got out his things. That done, his eyes panned to the door rather than to the clock, as they would have in the past.

The moment Virgil entered the classroom—exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds until the bell was due to ring—Logan’s heart beat rapidly against his chest.

Whoever said falling in love was the best thing to ever happen to a person was sorely mistaken. This cannot be good for one’s health.

Logan took a deep breath as Virgil made his way over, dropping his bag to the ground unceremoniously as he slumped into the chair. Logan took pity on his friend.

“I take it you couldn’t fall asleep after we said good night?”

Virgil, who had his arms on the desk and face pressed into them, turned to look at his friend and shook his head with a frown. Logan resisted the sudden urge to pull the other into a warm embrace. Blushing at the thought, he looked away and flicked open his textbook to the lab they were meant to cover that day. He then got his homework out, watching from the corner of his eye as Virgil did the same.

“Sorry, Virge.” Logan resisted the urge to correct himself. Virgil had assured him it was fine if Logan wanted to call him Virgil still, but had been sure to advise Logan that his friends usually called him Virge if they didn’t want to use the whole thing. Logan wanted Virgil to be certain in their friendship and his desire to keep it.

He also very much wanted Virgil to be certain that if he wanted more then Logan very much desired that as well…

... but how could he make Virgil certain of that without actually confessing his feelings?

Pushing such thoughts and questions out of his mind, Logan returned to the conversation in time to catch Virgil saying “Insomnia is a bitch, dude.”

Logan nodded. “Yes, it is a troublesome disorder indeed.” Logan glanced around before lowering his voice. “Medication not helping?”

Virgil shrugged. “Kinda, I guess. But it doesn’t really help all the time. It’s inconsistent.”

Logan frowned but nodded. He wished to say more, but it was at that moment Mr. Sanders came in to remind them they were doing a lab that day.

Thomas gave a brief demonstration of the lab and asked them to write down the exact measurements for it. Logan took his notes in his own efficient style, often finished before the others. Usually, he would just wait patiently for Mr. Sanders to carry on with the next part of the demonstration but now he found himself glancing at Virgil.

He watched, mesmerized, as Virgil made big bold circles around the measurements he’d jotted down. Where Logan’s were neat and tidy, Virgil’s were scattered all over the page but a quick look over told him it was still organized, in it’s own way.

In a way he understands… fascinating.

Mr. Sanders finished the demonstration, passed out all the necessary chemicals and safety gear for the lab. Under his supervision, the lab went underway. Virgil watched Logan as he worked for a good part of it.

Logan, so lost in his work, hadn’t noticed until Mr. Sanders came up to them. Leaning down, perhaps under the guise of answering a question, the Chemistry teacher lowered his voice.

“Virgil… don’t you think it’s a little unfair to allow Logan to keep doing the lab himself? Yes, Logan, I am aware you enjoy it and don’t mind, but my point still remains. It’s also not fair to you, Virgil, as you aren’t taking part in the experience.”

Virgil nodded, his face beet red. Logan frowned, resisting the urge to speak up and not quite sure how to feel about it. Mr. Sanders sighed and crouched down.

“I apologize for embarrassing you. It wasn’t my intention.”

“N-no. I know. I didn’t mean to make him do it all… I just kinda got…” He blushed again and looked away, mumbling something that neither Logan or Mr. Sanders could hear. Logan tried his best not to focus on Virgil but rather on Mr. Thomas. He felt a little bad finding blushy red to be quite a fetching color on Virgil, considering the circumstances.

Thomas looked from Logan to Virgil and for a moment Logan was certain he saw a little smile slip onto his face but when he tried to look more closely, it was gone. Interesting.

“Well, that’s fine, Virgil. I get it. You guys are talking and you didn’t notice how much he’d done. But now it’s your turn, okay?”

Virgil nodded. He waited until Mr. Sanders had gone to help someone else before turning to Logan and mouthing ‘what do I do?’.

Logan laughed to himself, knowing that laughing out loud with Virgil freaking out would not help matters, and reached out a hand to squeeze the other’s shoulder.

“It’s okay. You’ve got this. I won’t let you get it wrong,” Logan promised. Virgil smiled and blew his hair out of his eyes. Logan got lost in dark pools of near black for a few moments before his bangs settled once more. He could still see Virgil’s eyes but he suddenly longed to brush his hair back just to look into those eyes once more.

Virgil snorted. “My hero.”

Logan laughed, but smiled. “If that is your wish.”

Virgil laughed and shoved him playfully. He then took a deep breath and allowed Logan to walk him through the process. He was grabbing one of the chemicals that Logan was passing to him when their hands brushed.

It was definitely accidental but they both jumped. Logan laughed softly and Virgil laughed as well. The laughter was different than the normal one they shared, Logan noted. He leaned in a little and offered the chemical bottle once more.

Virgil took it, their hands not brushing this time. Virgil was still not looking away. Logan would have felt a little insecure under his sharp gaze but he was already looking at Virgil for just as long. He swallowed, unsure of what to do or say.

Logan knew something was definitely happening here, he just didn’t have a name or a verified set of instructions on how to handle it nor what to do next.

Virgil leaned in a little closer, his gaze falling to what Logan could only assume was his mouth. Logan swallowed hard again and felt a slight moment of panic. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss Virgil.

He wanted that very, very much. He just didn’t want it to be in the middle of Chemistry class surrounded by of a bunch of classmates and Mr. Sanders.

It had to be his lucky day.

A sudden outcry broke whatever spell Virgil was under. He blinked rapidly and blushed completely before laying his arms on his desk and burying his face in his arms. Logan glanced over to see the reason for the commotion.

Remus Prince and Janus Noirblanc had, from their story, done everything right and still caused the chemicals to overflow. Mr. Sanders explained once more the importance of writing down the notes rather than doodling during note time, to which Remus and Janus laughed but nodded.

The class settled down once more. Logan quickly finished the lab for them, keeping an eye out for Mr. Sanders, before turning to Virgil.

“Hey,” he said, tentatively. “Is… is everything okay?”

Virgil let out a laugh but it definitely didn’t sound happy.

“I nearly made a fool of myself.”

“Because kissing me would make a fool of you?”

Virgil sighed.

“Well, yeah. You’re just… you and so amazing and great and… ugh, do we have to do this here?”

Logan glanced at the clock. He raised a brow at the other.

“Are you going to run from me when the bell rings?”

Virgil clears his throat and looks away. “No…”

“Virgil.”

“Fine… I won’t… run away…”

Logan gave a nod of approval.

“Then, very well. It can wait.”

Which made for a very awkward ten minutes but Logan supposed Virgil had a point. Confessing to Virgil in the middle of Chemistry class hadn’t exactly been his own plan either.

»»————　♞　————««

Virgil was always nervous but that was nothing like how he felt when he followed Logan out of class. He was quiet and making as little sound as possible, hoping Logan might forget he was supposed to be following somewhere. Still, as he had promised his friend, Virgil did not run.

Logan led them to a little lounge area. Other people were around, unfortunately in a school as big as theirs it was inevitable, but no one was paying any attention to them.

Virgil sighed as he took the chair next to the one Logan chose. He turned toward him but raised his hood out of habit. Logan looked at him and Virgil couldn’t resist the urge to look up at him. Their eyes met and Virgil blushed but found he could not look away.

“Hey,” Logan said softly, a warm sort of smile on his face. Virgil couldn’t help but smile back gently at such a display of beauty.

“Hey… so…”

“It’s okay… take your time.”

“Dude, it’s like five minutes between classes. We literally have no time.”

Hands were suddenly offered to him and Virgil took them without thinking. Logan’s hands were slightly larger than his own and he blushed to see how well they held his. He sighed, shaking the nerves off as much as possible.

“We have time and I’ll talk to the Principal or whoever I have to if by some chance we are late.”

“Yeah, okay… fine. So, yeah… I don’t know… back there, in that moment, I just really wanted to kiss you and…”

“I wanted to kiss you too, Virgil… just not in the middle of Chemistry class…”

“Heh, yeah.” Virgil blushed at the admission, feeling butterflies in the bottom of his belly. “It was excellent timing on Remus and Janus’s part.”

“A little too excellent… but yes.”

Logan and Virgil laughed, the tenseness from earlier slipping away.

“Look… you were correct… we are a little pressed for time…”

“Duh.”

Logan laughed and Virgil smiled, pleased with himself.

“Why don’t… why don’t we walk home together? I’ll walk you home.”

“Logan… you live like two miles from me…”

“Yeah. I’m aware.”

Virgil let out a whistle at that and sighed when the warning bell went off to advise students to start heading directly to their classes.

“Fine. You can walk me home.”

“Wonderful.” Logan hesitated before leaning in to press a kiss to Virgil’s cheek. He blushed but smiled happily at Virgil, squeezing his hands. With that, he left Virgil in a bit of a daze. It wasn’t until some loud laughter broke through the fog that Virgil remembered he needed to get to class.

Taking off, Virgil smiled to himself.

»»————　☠　————««

Logan had never looked forward to the end of a school day until that day. He wished all his classes would hurry up. He didn’t bother pacing out his work, instead getting the classwork done and waiting as patiently for possible for the class to end.

Lunch would have been a nice reprieve but due to being in a few Pre-Advanced Placement courses, the lunch he took was different from that of his friends and of Virgil.

He was grateful that his debate class took some of the edge off. He had been due to debate with Remy Lassus but, as Remy’s parents had called him out sick, Remy’s spot had been taken by none other than Janus.

The two weren’t exactly friends. Janus was dating Logan’s best friend Roman and they tolerated each other for the most part. In Debate class? Oh, that was another matter entirely.

Janus had been able to keep up with Logan for most of the class but Logan caught a weak point in his argument that unravelled the whole thing. In the end, they shook hands but both knew the rivalry was still going strong.

With Debate out of the way, Logan just had his teacher aide lesson and he was home free.

Free to see Virgil.

Free to kiss Virgil…

With such a happy thought in his mind, Logan took off for the last period of the day.

»»————　♞　————««

Virgil couldn’t believe he was doing this. Just waiting out at the front of the school for his friend who he had almost kissed in Chemistry. If he were a smart man, he would have headed straight for home after school.

Well, he’d never told anyone he was smart (but Logan seemed to think he was). For whatever reason, this seemed right, no matter how much his twisting insides seemed to tell him otherwise.

“Virgil!”

Virgil’s whole body spun in the direction of Logan’s voice, a smile slipping onto his face as he found the other in the distance, rushing his way.

“Hey, dork,” Virgil said but his words were soft. His voice was even softer.

“Hey, you,” Logan said, wincing at what he had just said. He shook his head as if that would cause his perceived faux pas to disappear. Virgil, however, had found it cute.

“So, uh… walking and talking?”

Logan smiled and nodded.

“Thanks for waiting.”

“Always.”

Virgil blushed. He’d honestly meant it. Well, as much as a 16 year old boy could mean such things, but the point was, it was true for him. He hadn’t meant to tell Logan as much. He was smiling, however, so maybe him knowing wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

“Shall we go?”

Virgil could only nod as he smiled. They started heading in the direction of Virgil’s house when he suddenly wondered if Logan would want to come in. Then became a little worried that his room was messy. Still, his happiness at walking with Logan—being with Logan—outweighed all the worries in the world.

“Hey, so… thanks. You know, for earlier… talking after…”

“It was my pleasure,” Logan said, smiling earnestly down at him. Virgil was surprised, suddenly realizing how close in height they were. Yeah, Logan was taller than him but it wasn’t by as much as Virgil had always thought.

Would make it easier to kiss him~

Oh, shut up, you-me-argh, just shut up!

“About that, and what had almost happened before… let me be completely honest with you when I say that had we actually kissed in Chemistry class, I would not have been upset. Far from it…”

Virgil looked at Logan just as the other was glancing at him.

“Really?”

Logan nodded as they turned a corner into Virgil’s neighborhood.

“Without question. I would have been bummed about the location and the lack of some level of privacy for such intimate displays, but I would have been very pleased with the kiss.”

Virgil looked at Logan with wonder, his butterflies returning.

“So… uh… you like me too then? I mean, you like me back…”

Logan laughed at that but there was no malice, only fondness.

“What is it you say… oh, right… duh,”

Virgil blushed and shoved Logan playfully.

“Shut up.”

“You know… I didn’t say this earlier for obvious reasons but you look so cute when you blush.”

Virgil’s face heated rapidly. “I do not!”

“Oh, but you do.”

“Jerk!”

“I suppose that is warranted, considering my flirtation through teasing.”

Virgil just laughed at that, shoving his face into his hands for a moment. Logan reached out to guide Virgil to a stop with him.

“Virgil… are you okay?”

Virgil nodded, face still in his hands.

“Yeah, just… give me a minute.”

Logan didn’t say anything and Virgil couldn’t see his expression. Instead, Virgil felt Logan's hand rubbing his shoulders as well as he could around the backpack strap. Gradually, Virgil turned toward him. The other seemed to understand because a moment later, Logan was wrapping his arms around him as much as their backpacks would allow.

Virgil closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of being pressed against the other. He already knew now that Logan liked him. The butterflies in his tummy now had nothing to do with that.

Virgil really, really wanted to kiss him.

Thank God his house was not far from where they were.

Virgil pulled away from the other, though he hadn’t really wanted to ever leave his arms. He smiled at Logan and nodded.

“I’m good now, thanks.”

Logan nodded, hesitated, and looked forward in the direction they were headed. After a few moments of what Virgil assumed was deliberation, Logan looked at him with a little pink coloring his cheeks.

“If you would permit me to, I would very much like to hold hands with you.”

Virgil could see what Logan meant. He looked quite nice with pink cheeks as well. Of course, such a request got Virgil blushing more. Yet it was with no hesitation that he stuck out his hand closest to Logan for the other to take.

Logan smiled and laced their fingers before they began walking once more. It was a silent agreement that any further talk could wait until they reached Virgil’s house.

»»————　☠　————««

Logan marveled at how wonderful it felt, walking with Virgil, the other teen’s hand in his own. Before Virgil, Logan had always wondered at how couples did such things. Now, after Virgil, he wanted all of those things. But with Virgil alone.

Virgil was leading them along the route he took home everyday. It was so interesting to experience, especially with the knowledge that Virgil liked him as he liked Virgil.

Logan squeezed the other’s hand only for Virgil to squeeze back, looking at him and smiling brightly. A little pink brushed his cheeks and covered the bridge of his nose.

How could one person be so mesmerizing?

“We’re almost there,” Virgil announced. Logan swallowed hard.

Almost there.

Logan nodded and smiled. The smile felt a little forced, but Virgil smiled back. Logan tried to ignore the sudden nerves he felt and enjoy the walk.

Luckily, as soon as they turned the corner, Virgil was pointing out a house two buildings down on the side they were currently on.

“There’s my house,” he mumbled and Logan could just smile.

“Well, let’s go then.”

Virgil led him to the house and inside. As soon as he opened the door, a short woman wearing a dress and apron came from what Logan assumed was the kitchen.

“My baby’s home!” She looked at Logan. He could see where Virgil got his sharp gaze. He smiled. “And he brought a friend…”

Virgil cleared his throat.

“This is Logan… I’ve uh… told you about him… he’s in my Chemistry class… we’re just gonna go up to my room for a bit before Logan goes home… kay now, bye Mom. Love you.”

“Oh! This is Logan!” Virgil’s mom said, the words finally clicking, but Virgil had already dragged Logan down the hallway and into his room.

Closing the door behind him, Virgil sighed. Flicking on the light, he nodded at the bed.

“Sorry, not a lot of options for seating,” he said with a soft laugh. Logan laughed as well and took the end furthest from the pillows. Virgil soon joined him.

“So…”

“So…” Logan agreed with a little smile. He was silent for a moment more, teasing Virgil just a little, before he continued. “So… let’s go down the list, shall we?”

Virgil snorted but nodded. Logan offered his hands which Virgil took immediately.

Smiling, Logan began.

“We both like each other…”

“Check.”

“We both want to kiss each other?”

“Duh.”

Logan gave him a look and Virgil rolled his eyes, smiling.

“Check.”

“And am I correct in assuming that we both want… uh… something more? You know…”

“Are you correct in assuming that we want to be boyfriends?”

Logan nodded. “That’s better. Yes.”

“Very check.”

Logan grinned and Virgil grinned back.

Just like it had happened in Chemistry class, Virgil started to shift a little closer. Logan was more than happy to lean in as well.

This time, no chemicals overflowed and no one was around. This time, there was no almost.

Virgil’s lips pressed against Logan’s first but he had definitely not been too far away. Logan hummed happily into the kiss, his eyes closed as he laced his fingers with Virgil’s.

Logan felt such deep warmth like he had never felt before. He found himself immediately shifting closer to Virgil, as if he were his magnetic opposite.

Virgil chuckled into the kiss, soon having to break it. Logan looked at him with confusion and Virgil shook his head.

“What’s so funny?” Logan asked, tilting his head.

“Sorry, Logan… it’s just. I’m starting to think my mom sent me to public school just to make sure I found happiness… but I don’t really think she expected this. Maybe a favorite class. Maybe a best friend. I doubt a boyfriend was ever on her radar.”

Logan laughed softly too.

“I think she will be happy with whatever happiness you find. And you’ll find many more happinesses… hopefully with me.”

Virgil smiled. “Well, you haven’t actually asked me out yet.”

Logan sighed. “Virgil Armitage, will you go out with me?” Though he had sighed, he was smiling by the time he finished.

Virgil smirked. “Duh.”

Logan would have groaned but Virgil was kissing him moments after and Logan really didn’t feel the need to stop him as he kissed back.

A lot had changed in Logan’s life since Virgil entered into it but, as Logan had come to find, sometimes in life there were just some changes that were worth making.

»»————　♞　————««

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Thomas Sanders or Joan, nor the rest of their group. I do not own or make money off of these characters. I only own the story as it is written.

Super uber thanks to my beta reader for this fic @sunshineandteddybears and the two that preread my stuff to make sure its up to par: @romantichopelessly & @sunshineandteddybears.

#tsart #analogical #ts analogical #logan sanders #ts logan #virgil sanders #ts virgil #insanelycoolish #tlhrfanfic #lab partners au #lab partners #science boyfriends #tlhrfanfic writing #request fills

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south-park-meta · 3 years

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opinion on ladies man/jock stan?

I disagree with it but I also think the push back to it takes it too far in the other direction with regards to either feminization or thinking he'll have a super hard time with dating. I think Stan will never be good at recognizing when people are attracted to him. He also really wants people to like him and is prone to hiding feelings in general which makes him awkward in trying to change relationships by asking people out. AND he tends to take his crushes relatively seriously.

So I don't think he's going to date all the girls in their class. But he also seems to have gotten over a lot of his nerves when it comes to dating. Some of this isn't for healthy reasons; he's been more callous towards friends, family, and strangers alike in recent seasons so part of it is just giving less shits about people in general. Some of it is fine, though, and just because he's actually gained some confidence even if he's taken steps back in other ways.

I think him being ridiculously anxious and nervous to the point of throwing up was a combination of being one of if not the first boy to really be into girls and Stan just having a nervous stomach overall -- he also pukes at movies, in-person gore, etc. earlier on in the show when the other kids don't. All of this is something he grows out of pretty quickly considering the timeline of the show. I think he would be kind of boring and average in dating. I don't think he'd have a problem asking anyone out beyond being awkward at the actual asking part. I also think every time he did it'd be an actual, legitimate attempt at dating rather than trying to get laid. If he didn't ACTUALLY like someone he wouldn't fake interest, even if it meant not dating the entire school year. If anything he has issues about making relationships last past their expiration date because of his parents' frequent divorces so I doubt he'd go through a bunch of short-term relationships and would honestly probably feel like a failure if he did.

I ship Style so I think they'd most likely end up getting together in HS and they'd both have very limited experiences dating anyone else.

That said this mostly is my opinion assuming his depression improves. He does have an addictive personality which runs in his family and sex addiction is part of that. Also he's been a bigger jerk in recent seasons due to his depression. With that in mind I could see him being more of a douchey ladies' man, but personally I think in that case the douchiness would overshadow the ladies' man element so he still wouldn't get a million girls lol. When he's an asshole he's not a charming asshole, he's just an asshole asshole.

As far as being a jock goes, I hc Stan as being naturally good at sports. I like him keeping up with football or getting back into hockey or both! I even like him getting onto a college team and starting to play there-- BUT once he's on a college team and not having his own family and friends into supporting and cheering for him, I think he'd realize he doesn't want to do it anymore. I don't think he's driven by sports. To me the actual playing part he likes pretty casually. It's a fun pastime but not much else. But he's highly motivated by people cheering him and thinking he's good at something, and very much likes being part of a team. The connection to other people is what keeps him invested in it, not the actual like, playing part, and he doesn't actually give a shit if he loses beyond liking when people are proud of him.

So being a ladies' man: Nope, but no real hangups/problems dating or because he becomes more stereotypically feminine in HS. Just only dates relatively selectively and only has a couple of relationships before getting married.

Being a jock: Good at sports but keeps up with them because he's externally motivated and likes praise, not because he's actually super duper into sports.

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aethersea · 3 years

Text

you know what, I never do these things, but actually I’ve decided I would like to get to know people better! I would like to partake of the mortifying ordeal! I would like to talk about myself for a bit!

ok for the next...let’s say five days I will answer any of these things that people tag me in, or any random personal questions you plop in my ask box. I don’t have an ask meme on hand but just....pick one you’ve seen recently, or make up questions of your own, and I’ll answer. (the answer might be ‘nope that’s private’ but I will answer.) (@ the anon who asked for book recs - I see you, I’ve been thinking of books all day, I’m going to give you SUCH a long answer, I hope you don’t regret your choices bc it WILL be full of gushing)

alright, let’s go!

🌻 Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @booksandchainmail

Last Song: I’m currently listening to “Falcon in the Dive” from the Scarlet Pimpernel musical on loop. I watched one or two Scarlet Pimpernel movies when I was just barely too young to fully get what was going on, and the story’s held an odd but deep-seated place in my heart ever since. A few years ago I found out there’s a musical and most of the songs are pretty stellar (go listen to “Madame Guillotine” if you like big ensemble broadway numbers, it’s a banger, the bit where he cries out for God has been running through my mind on and off for a few days now haha not like that’s topical or anything), so every once in a while I spend a few days listening to them a lot.

Sometime last year I read the actual book, and got super into the whole concept of the Scarlet Pimpernel for a while. I plotted out Pimpernel aus for several fandoms, I read the entire wikipedia article, and I went looking for bootlegs of the musical. I didn’t find one, but I did find a full radioplay-style recording of the script, complete with full musical numbers, and listened to it like a podcast.

Reader, I was so disappointed. The play adds some scenes, bc a lot of the dramatic tension of the novel comes from internal conflict and that doesn’t stage super well, and the very first scene of this play – a play written in the NINETIES – features our dashing hero rescuing some aristocrats from a French prison, and then saying to the person in the next cell, who begs for rescue but is not an aristocrat, “We have enough of your kind in England.”

Enough! of your KIND! What in the merry frickety HECK my dudes!! The book has some rather unfortunate™ takes but it is from 1905, it’s regrettable but sadly to be expected. This play is from 1997. It has NO excuse. This scene wasn’t even in the book! What! the heck!

I was so disheartened that I lost my excitement for the play, and a couple songs later I stopped listening. It occurred to me just a few days ago that you could actually stage that ironically, with the person in the cell giving the audience a “can you believe this” look, and then the rest of the play could feature assorted non-aristocratic ensemble members constantly looking at the audience like they’re on The Office. And hey, maybe that’s what they did, or something similar – maybe that was never meant to be taken as a cleanly heroic stance, and the play deals with it in a complex way. It’s possible. I wouldn’t know. Kinda doubt it though, based on song lyrics.

Favorite Color: red, probably

Last Movie: I watched that new lesbian christmas movie with my family for christmas, the one with kirsten stewart and the guy from schitt’s creek. it’s very sweet and good and kinda sad, and I really enjoyed it. it also incidentally has the best gay best friend trope in probably anything ever, bc it’s not a trope (I didn’t realize until several hours after watching that it technically fits), it’s just a guy who is the protagonist’s best friend, and they’re just all gay, and then when he Gives Relationship Advice as a gay best friend always does, it’s advice about how to deal with your partner’s hangups around coming out.

actually every part of the gay best friend trope becomes better when they’re just best friends who are both gay. the big dramatic gestures (in this case, driving some ungodly distance in the snow on no notice) go from “haha how kooky” to “queer man will do anything he needs to to rescue his queer friend from an isolating & potentially triggering situation”. the relationship advice isn’t “honey you deserve some self-respect, treat yourself”, it’s a deeply sincere reminder of the vulnerability that is shared across almost everyone’s queer experience, and look I could ramble about this for a long time before reaching a coherent point but I’m INTO IT, okay? I’m into it.

Last Show: you want me to remember what show I last finished???? impossible, cannot be done, it was a long time ago and the adhd has eaten everything that happened before last week. here, instead I’ll tell you about another movie I watched, late at night with my mom in cozy companionship just a couple days ago. it’s called Quigley Down Under and it’s about a cowboy who goes to Australia and kills a bunch of racists, 10/10 would watch again. it’s from 1990 but it feels much older, with the music choices and the cinematography of a 70s Western. the cowboy is great, honorable and fearless and kind, but the breakaway star of this movie for me is the woman who attaches herself to his side and refuses to leave. her name is Cora, and she’s crazy, in the sense that she’s not altogether tethered to reality, but this never for a second diminishes her agency. she’s fierce and clever and compassionate, and she basically never does anything she doesn’t want to in the whole movie. her arc is about overcoming trauma by taking charge of her own fear and facing it head-on, she is never belittled or dismissed by the narrative or the protagonist, and look she’s just so cool. I love her. she’s so vibrantly alive. her story could probably have been handled with a bit more nuance, but honestly for the 90s it’s pretty great. I’m no expert, but I found nothing objectionable in it, just a bit of heavy-handedness.

anyway the theme of the movie is that racism is evil and racists deserve to be shot, and this too could have been handled better (not a single aboriginal character speaks a single line of english in this movie), but it follows through on that message in every way, while still being a fun kinda campy cowboy movie. overall a very good time.

Currently Watching: started showing my sister Hilda the other day, and she’s liking it! I love that show, it’s so incredibly cute. can’t wait to see season 2

Currently Reading: lmao I wish. lately the brain has firmly rejected all attempts to read anything of any length. currently pending, bc I was halfway through them when my brain stalled out, are tano’s fic What Does Kill You Can Make You Stronger, Too, a Toby Daye book - I think it was The Brightest Fell, I got like half a chapter in and haven’t picked it up in over a month, the Locked Tomb series, and probably a few other things too. ooh! also a book called Making Sex by thomas laqueur, which is my fancy academic reading that I’ve been doing in short bursts for the past year or two when I feel fancy and academic. it’s about the development of the concept of biological sex and of gender in Western society, and it’s fascinating. has among other things introduced me to the idea that until quite recently, fathers were a matter of faith. the mother? yeah, you can watch the baby pop out, we all know who the mother is. but the father? how can you know? how can you really know? we have paternity tests these days, but for all of human history up until now, we've just had to take fatherhood on faith. (not to mention we didn’t even know what fathers were contributing to the production of a fetus. clearly it was something, since you can’t get pregnant without a penis getting involved, but we have literally not known what until the past few decades. and that is wild. it has colored ALL of human history, all of our conceptions of society and family and kinship and gender, all of it, and it hadn’t even occurred to me until it was spelled out for me in this book, and it’s just......wow.

Salty, sweet or savory: for christmas my sister and I made seven different types of cookie, most of them involving chocolate somehow.

Craving: no bc I ate so many cookies. unless sleep counts. or maybe pringles, it’s been many moons since last I had a potato chip and I miss them.

Coffee or Tea: no thank you

Tagging: @coloursisee, @krchy-tuna, @sam-j-squirrel, @xzienne, @mirandatam, @viciousmaukeries, @sepulchritude, @elidyce, and @navigatorsnorth bc it’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I’m super hyped that you’re married now. v happy for you!

#finx rambles #finx has friends on the internet #be sure to tag me if you do this so I can go read it!#also you don't have to yammer on as much as I do #I'm just Like This you know #hmm perhaps I should readmore this actually #hmmmmmmm #I think I will use the excuse that it is 6 am to not do that #on account of how surely there are not many people up #and anyway this isn't meant for reblogging; you will only have to deal with this post once

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thequibblah · 3 years

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director's commentary for the parts about how lily views sex in chapter 38? i found this so interesting and relatable and i love how it's so different from her attitudes in the solar power oneshot, it just shows how much awesome character growth is to come!

this is really the tallest task i've given myself with lily's character development LOLLLL but i at least have strong feelings about it so here we go

so. when i started writing this fic a significant question was what lily's level of romantic experience was because that will factor into not just her relationship w dex but also how her feelings for james evolve over time. (also it obviously impacts her and how she thinks of romance!) i find myself not very compelled by a lily who is waiting for marriage/love without like....a reason or a well-established underlying character explanation for that. i find it more interesting to explore when a principled character maybe has a less established principle, and finally has to come up against it and make a decision. (as a sidenote, i also wanted to write a lily whose fears and anxieties and desires are more in line with what i/my female friends talked about and thought about in high school)

lily re: sex has been a huge thread-the-needle sitch. like many in Our Society she has complicated feelings about the role of sex in her life, as a good girl tee em, but i also didn't want to establish a weird madonna/whore situation with the female cast of the fic, like, Only Some Girls Have Sex. considering that lily herself grapples with being a good girl and, well, still containing multitudes, i wanted to think out those complications through her.

at the same time, i think there's a tendency in fic (or really, any sort of romance story) to make sex super black and white. like, you have it with the Wrong Person and so it's bad, but then you have it with the Right Person and everything clicks! it's certainly true that you can have less-than-good sex with someone and the reason for that is them, but i really didn't (and don't!) want to make it seem like it'll be a simple and easy switch to james for lily because they're going to fall in love. it won't be! don't let the oneshot fool you!

she has things to figure out, and that, to some degree, is unaffected by who she's with (or isn't with). she's not like, wow it was such a mistake to have sex with this guy because i didn't love him! she's not like wow it was such a mistake to have sex with this guy because it wasn't mindblowing (she had low-ish expectations, which mary might say is a problem in and of itself but that's a separate thing lol)! it's all very convoluted and i don't want to delve too deep into questions that i mean to address in the fic itself.

but, anyway, though lily does do the deed, it's not entirely separable in her mind from residual shame. and who among us who experiences misogyny doesn't know that feeling lolllll. she's not walking around handwringing about how she's sinned against god, partly because catholic guilt would add about ten dimensions of complication to this fic and also because i was not raised christian, and don't feel well-equipped to go there. more than religion lily is anxious about having played against type.

this is made harder for her in contrast — obviously we judge ourselves not in absolutes but relative to those around us. so on the one hand lily has people like petunia who believe in propriety and undoubtedly look down on sex before marriage, and on the other she has friends like mary who are very ~modern~ in their sensibilities. rather than the latter being reassuring, though, i imagine it's....almost a barrier in its own way, because she sees a friend who's cooler and freer than her and is like, mary would do this because she's like this, and i'm demonstrably not like this, so i shouldn't do this (no matter mary's frank conversations on the subject!)

and in between all this is the fact that....she's a person who experiences desire! complication!!!! she wants something that she's not sure she should want, even though she feels that other people are free to have the same thing:

“Mare, are you really going to take a magazine’s advice on becoming a...truly sexual woman?” Despite her amusement, she half-stuttered over the word, even though she knew there was nothing to be shy about. It was the seventies, for crying out loud. They could talk about such things now. Said descriptors just did not necessarily apply to her.

in ch. 9 when she asks mary about sex, she really wants an answer that will absolve her of those complicated uncertain feelings — and of course mary can't give it to her. no one can!

so she's bearing all that baggage and trying to forge forward with the sensibility of well, i shouldn't be shy about this! it's the 70s! we're past that! without considering that just because society has apparently come so far (which, has it even? lol) that doesn't mean she's ready to go that far. and that was what i was pushing with the interlude bits immediately around the sexytimes:

Get it over with, a voice in her head said. The first time wouldn’t be the best time. All she had to do was cross this one hurdle and she could stop feeling so bloody nervous, like she was at the edge of a cliff she’d never be able to climb back up [...] and if only she could get over her silly hangup she’d be a lot less tense. That was just a fact. Everyone knew it about her. Even good girls needed to loosen up. Right? Right. This decision-making took a split second in her mind; she had rehearsed each argument so many times that she did not need very long to run through it again. So without a hint of hesitation she said, “Yes.”

and its not a coincidence that this comes right after a flashback to doris and her friend:

“Living together,” Lily’s mother sighed, her head angled towards her friend. “And she was such a sweet girl when I had her in school, too, so studious—” “Oh, yes,” Gertie said, nodding vigorously, “I always thought she’d wait to marry, let alone get involved with someone so soon—” “And like this!” Doris sighed once more.

of course lily can all too vividly imagine someone else saying that exact thing about her

this reads like so much word vomit LOL but thank you it was fun to try and explain my thinking here!

#anon #ask me #38 #director's cuts

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veilder · 3 years

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When you think back, do you remember what made you ship Convin in the first place? And can you tell me a bit more about the relationship you headcanon for them? (@connor-sent-by-cyberlife)

Gosh, okay, this is such a loaded question for me, lol! Because I love them so much. It’s gonna be hard to try and distill that into one post. But I’ll try my best! XD

So, right off the bat, there are the canon characters. And, while I find canon!Gavin pretty awful and think a relationship between him and canon!Connor would be a bad idea, there’s still a very real tension between them. It’s not rooted in anything positive, for sure, but there is a lot of passion behind it. They both fill the classic enemies/rivals roles for each other and, well... I’m a really big fan of the enemies (to friends) to lovers trope. So right off the bat, they’ve already kinda sparked my interest, yeah? There’s something there, something not fully formed, but dang, it has a lot of potential! Which is where fanon comes in. I think it’ll come as a surprise to absolutely no one that I absolutely adore a fanon Gavin Reed. A more nuanced take on him where he’s not just a racist caricature and is instead a real, human person with thoughts and feelings and motivations. And, while I don’t really remember my actual introduction to fanon!Gavin, one of the earliest things I read that I remember really sticking with me was the amazing fic, Mind-Blowing, by Redd000. That fic had such a wonderful iteration of a Gavin who not only had a very complicated backstory and a lot of interesting interpersonal relationships, but also a dynamic character arc that brought him from the canon douchebag we all know and hate to a more empathetic character who could learn and grow and admit that maybe he was wrong. Another very early fic I read that made me really fall in love with fanon!Gavin was A Scratched CD by consecrated. It was one of the first Convin fics I ever remember reading and just... really falling in love with. And it really went a long way toward making me just adore the potential relationship between the two of them. Now, this was still back in the early days when I was still giving other ships a try and seeing what I liked and didn’t, but between already having a sort of bias for the enemies to lovers dynamic and now seeing the absolute goldmine of potential that a relationship between them could deliver on, I was kinda sold. And I think maybe the final nail in that coffin was the esteemed Traces by berryblonde. It was... such a memorable fic for me. The twists and turns of it were amazing. The backstory the author built up. The slow paradigm shifts happening throughout. The case and the way all the players fit together. It was just... It was and is still one of my favorite fics on the Archive. Highly recommend to anyone looking for not just a good Convin fic, but a great casefic/mystery/drama in general. But the thing all of these had in common was just such a wonderfully built Gavin Reed. Seriously, I was quickly at the point where I couldn’t even read him as a villain anymore, it just seemed so strange to me. Because all of these fics painted such a nuanced, complicated man. One capable admitting he was wrong and doing his best to right his wrongs. Whether platonic or romantic, it was his interactions with Connor that always drove him forward towards becoming a better man. And, as a flawed human being myself, there is something so appealing about that. Of seeing a redemption arc play out like this again and again, of seeing that second chances can be had, that even the worst people can turn themselves around and get back on the right path. It was so... affirming. And it all just kinda tied things together in my mind, too. That Connor was this catalyst, this reagent that burst into Gavin’s cozy worldview and shook him up enough to have to reevaluate himself in the upheaval. But what’s more than that, I also think Gavin is a great catalyst for Connor’s character growth, too. Because, much like Hank, Gavin is someone who’s character growth and dynamic shift would be such a positive influence on someone like Connor. Connor, who spent so much of his short time alive being the villain. Doing bad things for bad people. Doing his best to shut down a movement that ultimately granted him and all his people freedom. I feel like Connor wouldn’t be a stranger to regret, to that urgent desire to change, and to the fallout left in the wake of that. I think, ultimately, Connor and Gavin’s arcs would almost mirror each other. That there’s a lot both of them could take away from the other in regards to forgiveness and maturing as people and second chances to do what’s right. I think Connor needs to let go of his hatred of his machine self just as much as Gavin does. And there’s something in that symmetry that just... It speaks to such a deep understanding between them. A shared experience between a human and a machine. Something they can both empathize with in each other. And that, more than anything, is the basis of a good, healthy, long-lasting relationship in my opinion. I think they would be very good for each other once they both move past their hangups. Two people who can grow both together and as individuals. I just think it’s a beautiful dynamic and such a strong foundation to base a relationship on. It makes me believe that they would be a couple who lasts. And then there’s the fact that they both are very competent people, too! (In fanon at least, lol! XD) I absolutely love that sort of buddy cop vibe these two would have (sometimes literally) where one of them is super analytical and the other is reckless and spontaneous? While being total badasses, too! But both working together would balance each other out perfectly. I feel like Connor would help make up for Gavin’s tactlessness while Gavin helps Connor feel more human. They’d both shake each other up, help each other out of their comfort zones and into a fuller experience of life. They’re such great foils for each other and I think it makes them so balanced in terms of a relationship, too. And that goes for the banter as well. They can both be sarcastic little shitheads and omg, it’s so funny the way some authors write that! Top tier banter is a sign of a great Convin fic imo, lol! They’re just the perfect characters for that sort of humor! XD But I really believe having a sense of humor you can share with a partner would be such a boon to a romantic relationship, too. And, y’know... seeing them laugh at and with each other just makes me smile. I love knowing they enjoy each other’s company so much and that they’re so happy together. Gah, it makes me absolutely melt. Ultimately, this is how I love to both read and write them. As two flawed individuals trying to move past their past transgressions. Growing. Changing. Learning that they’re not so dissimilar. Understanding each other more fully than they’d ever expect. Bonds deepening, affection growing, a language of their own developing between them. And then, the pin dropping. The realization. And a love that can and will last. All the while being quippy little badasses, lol! (And if you want a great example of all of this, I’d be remiss not to recommend perhaps my favorite Convin fic of all, Mission: Unexpected, by J11nxed. It’s so good. It’s the fic I always go back to when I need cheering up. And it’s absolutely the dynamic I try for when I write Convin myself. It’s a long fic but it’s so worth reading!) So yeah... That is... the most basic answer I could give to this, lol. I just... really love this ship a whole lot and I’m actually so glad you asked about it because I love sharing my thoughts on it with others. And, y’know, hoping that maybe my words would get them to give it a chance if they haven’t before. Hopefully, there aren’t too many typos, lol! There’s no way I’m going back through this freakin essay, omg. XD But yeah, hope this answered your question sufficiently, friend! :D

#dbh #meta #connor #rk800 #gavin reed #convin #reed800 #I just have a lot of feelings about them okay?#please no judge #there are a lot of #fic recs #in here #so perhaps y'all can enjoy those! :D #timebird84

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