#i think it's important scene-setting for the kind of headspace i was in when i wrote this at 2 am

[1ore]

Hrnrnhrghrnhrhnn. blighted au. fuck it we ball

by “blighted au” I really mean “boo boo the fool creates deranged plot-shaped puzzle box to get around minor inconveniences like death and dying.“ writers will close a door and i will stand in it like this guinea pig.

Anyway.

We start offroading at the, ahem, moment of truth. When Yuri realizes that killing Mordremoth means killing its shambling Trahearne-shaped vessel, he loses his last marble. He’s done. He’s tired of burying his friends. He Won’t Do It. Even when Mordremoth possesses Trahearne and tries to kill him, Yuri can’t bring himself to do the deed. Someone else tries to do it for him, and to this he says “nuh-uh.” In what I imagine as kind of a comical sequence, Yuri picks up Trahearne’s half-dead body and books it. Thus begins a number of empty years in which Yuri and Trahearne—with the help of the Lastborn— live on the run from every major authority in Tyria.

Most of the people who knew Yuri realized that this kind of short-sighted, sentimental impulsiveness is normal for him. The only surprise was that he succeeded in pulling it off. Still, others suspect that he got a case of the mords, what with the convenient timing of his outburst. Whether or not he was acting of his own sound mind, he is now Public Enemy Number 2, second only to Mr. Mordyboy himself.

(Meanwhile, the Lastborn is just happy to have competition for Tyria’s Most Wanted.)

How’s Mordremoth doing? Unclear. Definitely still “alive” and harbored in Trahearne, who feels Preddy Bad, physically and mentally. Trahearne is lucid while he recovers from his psychic imprisonment / fight to the death with an elder dragon, but he considers this a period of dormancy from which the dragon will inevitably recover and reassert control over him. The thought of this fills him with dread, and he cannot understand why Yuri or the Lastborn would choose to delay the inevitable and imperil the cosmos for, what, 2 more minutes in the ballpit? That will inevitably end with betrayal and heartbreak? And on an order of magnitude 1000 times worse than if you had just done your duty commander six-cants why can’t you just do this one thing??? Trahearne is sad and angry and stressed out of his mind, and generally not pleasant to be around during this time.

For his part, Yuri is definitely… Aware that he’s done something that’s going to have permanent, far-reaching consequences outside the scope of his understanding. But he refuses to think it through. He already did the deed by not doing the deed, and if he thinks about what that means for Trahearne or the rest of the world, he won’t be able to function. (And if they’re living on the run, he knows from experience that he’s going to have to be at least a little bit functional. He takes it one day at a time or not at all.)

Ironically, the Lastborn is more at peace with Yuri’s decision than he is. There’s something about that awful deadlock, Yuri’s stupid, sentimental lapse in judgement, and the ugly fallout that rhymes with his own experiences. It helps that seeing the Marshal brought to his knees isn’t really satisfying, or even morbidly funny, like he probably thought it would be back when he was a courtier. Besides, if Yuri thinks it’s worth it to gamble The Entire Livable Universe for an infinitesimal chance at saving his boycrush from an elder dragon, who is he to argue? He doesn’t understand what Yuri sees in the guy, but he took an arguably stupider gamble by trusting the Lastborn, so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ love wins

In any case, the boys will be left waiting for a long time for the other shoe to drop. As usual, I’m interested in being very stupid and purposefully dense about monsters and plants, and especially monstrous plants.

The nature of Trahearne’s arrangement with his roomie Mordremoth is more complicated than they realize. I think it’s more like… while locked in their dying throes, the two of them narrowly survive as one entity what they couldn’t (and shouldn’t) have survived individually. So, two minds heal as one. We do Terry Pratchett’s dragon origami to fit what’s left inside a small space.

This is, as you can imagine, incomprehensible for both of them. Suddenly you’re a little guy with emotions. Suddenly you’re a force of nature that moves cosmos. Suddenly you’re a combination force-of-nature-little-guy. Folks initially mistake the changes in Trahearne’s personality for symptoms of being Stressed Out Of His Mind, interspersed with moments of possession, but they’re really more like the fringes where one entity has been visibly woven into the other.

So you get some more volatile, reactive behavior that comes from primordial self-preservation instincts, but they’re manifesting in a guy whose scope of existence is both bigger and smaller than what it used to be. Suddenly he has moments of heightened awareness, where he can hear the whole forest’s mycorrhizal conversation, but his forebrain isn’t prepared for that. So the felling of a single tree and the sound of a thousand other trees crying out in phytochemical distress overwhelms him, and kicks him into fight-or-flight mode. But now fight-or-flight mode is a little more like… black-out-and-magically-devastate-the-land and-everything-in-it-to-protect-yourself-or-flight mode. It’s disorienting and upsetting for a guy who fought so hard to be responsible with certain other powers he inherited against his will.

Of course, this also means the distinction between being “some guy who is possessed by an elder dragon” and “some guy who accidentally fused with an elder dragon” is invisible for Trahearne. He just sees the introgression as proof that he’s slipping. He won’t hear any solution that isn’t “find a way to kill me” for a long, long time. Even partial measures, like learning to control the power he’s inherited, feel like empty gestures at best. It all seems very pointless and cruel to put him through this, and this mmmmight have some kind of effect on his relationship with the people who insist on keeping him alive. Maybe.

I think time is the only thing that really erodes this. It becomes harder and harder for him to ignore the fact that the worst won’t come to pass, no matter how bad it gets, no matter how extreme the episode or how many openings he thinks he’s giving the dragon. Whoever’s at the helm has to accept responsibility for the vessel, and that is, unfortunately, him. (Or some kind of amalgamation-continuation of him, anyway.)

From here? I have none clue what comes after Heart of Thorns LOL. But I think Yuri and Trahearne taking an early retirement from dragonslaying to become stressed-out has-beens / enemies of the state / An Actual Dragon is a funny launching point. (The Lastborn is already a stressed-out has-been / enemy of the state, so this is just enrichment for him. Tyria and all his friends might be going through an existential crisis, but at least someone’s self-actualizing.)

I do think those boys gotta go back to Orr to finish what they started, at some point. Maybe if they co-opted the dragon’s magic to do an environmental restoration they would feel better. Maybe if they did the quiet work of maintenance. Touch grass. Touch water .

god.

Etc:

@soulfullofold’s idea: a consequence of Yuri’s Episode ™ is that he accidentally brands his best friend Ximone as guilty by association, for abetting an international criminal. She has to put her budding political career on hold to clean up the mess he left behind ): (along with everyone else, lbr)

Since the interior world of Mordremoth itself is now also Trahearne’s interior world, there’s an additional layer of friction between him and Yuri, on top of all the other friction. As Trahearne starts to delve into the dragon’s memories, he is forced to reconcile these two very different perspectives of the Commander. On one hand, we have “(-: that’s my very good friend commander six-cants,” and on the other we have “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHO LET THIS HUMAN IN HERE HE’S GNAWING ON MY ROOTS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HE’S SO SCARY!!!!!” Nobody really anticipates fear (in the form of plant survival instincts) to sit at the heart of the dragon’s motivations, but here we are. It wasn’t enough to reckon with the idea that someone might want you alive, whether or not you have an elder dragon inside of you. Now we reckon with the fear that Yuri would not hesitate to kill you if he could do so without killing his boy bestie. While this is all preddy intense in the moment, it’s also kind of

This would be a very funny place to resolve the beef that Trahearne and the Lastborn have with each other. My man you cannot pot-kettle-black your way out of this one. You have quite literally become the thing you sought to destroy.

[sprintingowl]

What Non DnD TTRPGs Feel Like

Okay, quick thread about what playing different non DnD ttrpgs feels like.

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Pathfinder

This is DnD. It feels like DnD. It's like going to a slightly different church. Some of the words used during the service are different, but at the end of it the pulpit turns out to be a mimic and you cast Entangle and summon your direwolf.

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Fate

This is Rule Of Cool with additional rules. The GM has powers to one-up you or lead you into temptation, but you have powers to one-up the GM, and all these powers use the same kind of token that you ultimately shuffle back and forth.

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Savage Worlds

Handwave-style DnD (positive connotation.)

The GM has a lot of freedom to pick genre and setting, and the gameplay is sleeker, rule-of-cool-ier without losing meaningful combat or character building.

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Call Of Cthulhu

You may not be an old librarian, but you sure are built like one. Most acts of violence can flatten you in a couple of hits, but violence doesn't happen often. It's the punctuation mark at the end of a long sentence. Atmosphere and pacing rule over this land.

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World Of Darkness

This is a game about getting deep into your character's headspace. It's about figuring out who they are and roleplaying them passionately. Your backstory choices and powers have a huge affect on how you interact with the world around you.

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Warhammer Fantasy / Dark Heresy

You are Scrumbles McGrumbles, a walking heap of morbidity and washed-up soldiering. You are trying to find your place in a world that's having an even worse day than you are. Your best friend is a ratcatcher. Together you will be heroes.

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OSR (Mork Borg, Mausritter, Into The Odd, Dungeon Crawl Classics, Labyrinth Lord, Cairn, tons more)

DnD boiled down to two components: GMing + Making A Guy. GMing is made as easy as possible and PCs are somewhat disposable, so the story is the hijinks you get into together.

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Powered By The Apocalypse (Masks, Nahual, Monsterhearts, Pasion De Las Pasiones, tons more)

The goal is to get into trouble and stir up drama. Succeeding on a roll with no consequences is rare, but when you fail you fail forward into even bigger, messier drama.

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Blades In The Dark

You go on missions and then return to your base. The missions are about choices as much as about rolls, and you build your base together to make yourselves more powerful as a squad.

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Trophy

Your goal is to lose. Specifically, it's to lose in a dramatic and harrowing fashion that sticks with everyone at the table. Think movies like Annihilation, but as oneshot games.

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Golden Sky Stories

You like everyone at the table with you. When someone does something adorable, you can award them exp. The highlight of the session is someone getting flustered and/or speaking in a squeaky voice.

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Ryuutama

You are going on a journey and helping other people along the way. Important choices include packing lunch, wearing appropriate clothing, and completely filling your canteen. Combat is a cozy, pastel color jrpg.

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The Indie

There are so, so many games that are just completely their own thing, and that I can't squeeze into a single thread. If you discover you like game mechanics and you want to Get Weird with seeing what they can do, there is an entire scene here waiting to welcome you.

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Stuff I Missed

There's lots of stuff I haven't played, or didn't remember in the moment, or absolutely love but it would take a whole thread to explain why I love it. I will do more game recommendations in the future, but you can also comment systems you like below!

[nonbinaryspy]

Ike/Soren Meta: The Little Things

In (belated) honor of the IkeSoren Week Encore prompt for canon scenes, I wanted to highlight some of my favorite less obvious interactions. These are moments outside their supports/base convos/death quotes/endings that nonetheless feel personal or significant. Some even require variables like other units dying. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but I sure did have a lot of thoughts on it all, so this post is very long.

First up: moments in early PoR that establish their initial dynamic and characterization.

Ch 4

If Shinon is alive (Normal or Easy mode)

Shinon: “All right, Ike. Let’s see how you handle the role of captain. Well? What are your orders, boy? We’ll do what you say, so long as you hurry up and spit it out!” Ike: “I know, I know! I’m thinking! Give me a moment, will you, Shinon?” Shinon: “Bah. Useless! We’d be better led with Mist than this soft, untested whelp.” Ike: “Let’s see…We’re in the middle of the road, and there’s not much cover. Soren and Rhys are vulnerable, so we have to protect them from enemy attacks…Right?” Soren: “That’s a sound strategy, Ike. I can attack from behind your defenses. Good thinking.” Ike: “Do you mean that? Um…all right! Let’s do that then.”

This is obviously meant as a hint to new players, but it’s also introducing the team dynamics when Ike is put in charge for the first time. Shinon is clearly derisive, which makes it stand out more that Soren jumps to compliment Ike, especially when he himself is usually more negative. Ike in turn seems surprised and happy to receive a compliment from him. Shortly before this, we saw Ike doubting why his father would put him in charge and not feeling up to the task, and later in the game we’ll see him expressing how much he appreciates Soren’s bluntness and objectivity because it means he can trust his word. So, Soren’s encouragement in this moment clearly has weight.

Plus, it’s just cute that this sets up the idea of Ike as a tank to Soren, since that plays out in both the plot and gameplay.

I also think it’s neat how this changes if only Ike and Soren are in this part:

If Rhys and Shinon are dead (Hard mode)

Soren: “Ike, do you have any ideas on how you want to approach this fight?” Ike: “Let’s see…We’re in the middle of the road, and there’s not much cover. You’re vulnerable, so I have to be sure you’re protected from enemy attacks, right?” Soren: “Right. Er…sorry for the trouble…but I appreciate the consideration.” Ike: “Sure. All right, let’s do that then.”

Soren is the only squishy mage Ike is talking about protecting, making his response more sheepish. Throughout the game, we see Soren worry about being a burden to Ike, so the idea of Ike having to protect him specifically puts him in a different headspace. Meanwhile, Ike doesn’t turn into a puppy here because Soren didn’t compliment him.

If Soren is forced to retreat in this chapter, this happens after the battle:

Soren: “…Forgive me. I was nothing more than a hindrance.” Ike: “Don’t worry about it. Your health is more important. How bad is the wound?” Soren: “…” Ike: “That bad? Well then, from now on, I want you to be an intelligence officer.” Soren: “What? Are you serious?” Ike: “Are you so opposed to the idea?” Soren: “Of course not! I thought…I…I assumed I would be…let go…” Ike: “Don’t be stupid. An intelligence officer assists with strategy and planning, right? There’s no combat of any kind. There shouldn’t be any problems. I’m sure the commander will approve of the idea.” Soren: “…Th-thank you. I’ll try to bring honor to the position.”

Speaking of Soren being afraid of being a burden, this is the first chance for the player to see a core element of his character, which is how concerned he is with being useful. This is far before he has learned to trust that he will always have a place at Ike’s side. He  joined the company to be with Ike and attain security, so the fact that he expects to lose all of that after being hurt is so sad, but also makes sense given his past and how he’s only been desired for his abilities. Of course, Ike doesn’t realize any of this–he only wants Soren to be safe and stay with him. This is mirrored beautifully in Soren’s Forging Bonds in FEH, where he wonders why his younger self would be summoned when he isn’t useful, and Ike theorizes that it’s more about his younger self’s well-being than his abilities.

Another thing of interest here is that Soren, despite now being referenced constantly as the Greil Mercenaries’ tactician, didn’t actually start out with that job title. At the start of the game, he was their staff officer who was still in training with a different mercenary group. Over the course of the games, especially RD, he grows into his role as a respected strategist (and possibly a legendary one, if Cipher and his other game cameos are to be believed). But here, we see that even in the beginning of PoR, Ike already saw that potential in him.

Ch 8:

Ike: “What about you, Soren?” Soren: “…Ike. I’m not sure what help I could be to you. What place is there for me in a mercenary company, anyway?” Ike: “You are so weird…I’ve always depended on you, haven’t I? I need your tactical knowledge. I need your objectivity. You’re not going to leave me, are you, Soren?” Soren: “Don’t worry. I’ll be here, watching over you.”

I love how crucial this is to establishing their relationship, especially since all of the dialogues I included before this one are optional. This is the first time most players will see Soren doubt his place, Ike express how much he values Soren, and Soren promise to stay and look after him.

It’s also a perfect introduction to the arc Soren has if you do their supports. Throughout their supports, you learn why he feels like an outsider, finally culminating in him shouting “I don’t belong anywhere!” with the expectation that this will disgust Ike, and that Ike will finally reject him. But he doesn’t. That unconditional acceptance finally gets through to Soren, and in his final line in the game, if he has an A support with Ike, he will say his iconic line, “There’s only one place for me to be, Ike…and it’s by your side.” Even the word choice of “place” echoes the dialogue from chapter 8; what place is there for him? By Ike’s side. Asked and answered.

It’s significant that all of Soren’s appearances since then have quoted this sentiment. It’s the culmination of his journey toward acceptance. Without being tied to a specific family, nationality, or many of the other things that shape a person’s identity and understanding of their place in the world, he thought he would never belong anywhere. But Ike’s main philosophy is that a person’s origins don’t need to define them, and his influence allows Soren to accept himself.

Another interesting thing about the above interaction is how much it stands out from the other conversations in this part of the game. PoR gives a lot of early screen time to the Greil Mercs, even though as we’ve seen, it requires a lot of variations to account for permadeath. This leads up to chapters 8-9, where we see them all handle grief differently as they process what Greil’s life and death mean to them. All of this hits hard, but what’s interesting about Soren is that he never says anything about Greil. Instead, we see the above scene where he questions his own right to be there, as well as various scenes in chapter 9 where he hovers around Ike, trying to provide comfort and not knowing how (see below).

In this scene, the other characters are reacting to the idea of Ike taking command. Their loyalty to Greil is being tested as they have to decide whether to follow his inexperienced son. For instance, we learn in this section how much the three brothers owe to Greil for taking them in. But Soren, though Greil also took him in and he seemed to have some basic respect for Greil’s command, didn’t join the group for Greil. He joined it for Ike. So as he says, “We all knew that Ike was going to inherit command of the company, didn’t we? It just happened sooner than we wanted.” It was already a foregone conclusion that he would one day follow Ike–but to him, it’s not a foregone conclusion that he’ll be allowed to, or has a right to. So in the above script, when everyone is chiming in to express their support of Ike’s leadership, Soren instead vents his own insecurities.

Ch 9:

Much has already been said about Soren’s personal journey and how Ike supports him, but I am also very interested in the reverse. Ike is increasingly being forced to take on roles that he doesn’t feel ready for at the same time as having to swallow his sudden grief. PoR is at heart a coming-of-age story, where Ike is coming into his own while struggling to understand the world around him, all while getting a crash course in topics like war and politics. Soren, as someone who is very caring toward Ike but is otherwise cold and pragmatic due to his own traumatic experiences, and who is knowledgeable about many of the topics that Ike is ignorant of, is a key part of this growth process.

As said, chapter 9 especially has several parts where Soren clearly wishes to comfort Ike in the wake of Greil’s death, but has no idea how. Their C support is an example of this, as is their base conversation, which I’ve always thought was incredibly sweet—especially given that Soren’s intent clearly comes through, and Ike is able to find comfort in his presence while reassuring Soren that he’ll be all right. It demonstrates the care and understanding between them.

Another example though, which you might not necessarily see, happens after Soren’s first report if there was a casualty in the previous chapter:

Soren: “And that’s it.” Ike: “Ugh…” Soren: “Ike? Is something wrong?” Ike: “Even though I was aware of the numbers, hearing it in a report like this is…hard.” Soren: “Do you mean the casualties and refugees?” Ike: “Death and destruction are all part of war. My father said that a lot. ‘The first casualties of war are those without strength and those without luck. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Live with bravery, be daring and fearless. Live for those who have died.’ And yet…I can’t help but think if I were more powerful…I could save more people. Couldn’t I?” Soren: “Ike…” Ike: “…Blast!” Soren: “Indeed.” Ike: “Forgive me. I got carried away.” Soren: “No, not at all… Um, perhaps I should…” Ike: “Thank you for the report. I will need more of the same from here on. Keep up the good work.” Soren: “Thank you, Commander. I will do my best. But if I have your leave, I must be going.”

First of all: Can we all just appreciate how funny “...Blast!” “Indeed.” is? It reads like a shitpost comic, but they really just said that.

Anyway, the idea that people can die in Ike’s very first battle as commander, right after he could do nothing to save his father, hits hard here. FE in general, with its permadeath feature and plots, focuses a lot on the weight of individual deaths in war. Given Greil’s past, it’s unsurprising that he gave Ike the advice he did. But it’s equally unsurprising that Ike would find this hard to accept.

As said before, Soren truly does not know how to offer comfort, but his sympathy for Ike is clear. All he can really do is support him with his tactics and objectivity like Ike asked. So it seems significant that this is one of the only times Soren ever addresses Ike formally. Ike is always just Ike to him, even later on when Ike has been named a lord and general. So to me, the fact that he calls him “Commander” here feels deliberate. All this time, Ike has been doubting his ability to lead, and Soren can’t offer personal comfort–so acknowledging Ike’s role as his leader, and Soren’s commitment to supporting him in that role, is the best assurance he can provide.

Next, I want to talk about the middle section of the game, particularly moments that reference the Ike/Soren supports.

Ch 12:

Nasir: I am uncomfortable around dragons. I thought it would be better if I stayed below in my cabin. My apologies. Ike: Now that you mention it, Soren seems to have disappeared as well. Have you seen him? Nasir: Perhaps he's feeling nauseated. For one unaccustomed to sea travel, it's not uncommon. Ike: Right...I think I'll check up on him later.

I’m including this for being early foreshadowing re: Soren’s origins, as well as one of the many times that Ike checks on him throughout the game. Actually, this is an example of something that happens a LOT, which is the game pointing people toward the Ike/Soren supports. Given how important they are to Soren’s arc and that they’re even a requirement for some scenes in RD, that isn’t surprising. It is pretty unusual in an FE game, however, which makes it notable. Sometimes it feels like every other chapter is putting neon signs around Soren saying “This guy has Stuff, and Ike wants to know what, btw.” This specific example is even one that foreshadows RD, rather than anything that is followed up on directly in this game.

Ch 13:

Ike: Soren...About what I said this morning... Soren: Yes? Ike: About the way you phrase things. Soren: I...I ought to apologize for that. Ike: No, don't apologize. I know you. I know it's been bothering you, hasn't it? Soren: No. Well... Ike: Don't take it personally. I'm no better, you know. Your ability to speak plainly the things others won't is part of what makes you brilliant. Others are too bound by courtesy...With you, I trust that what you say is exactly what you think. Soren: Well...yes... Thank you, Ike.

I don’t have anything new to say here re: the things Ike understands and appreciates about Soren and how Ike expresses this. I just love this scene. <3

Ch 15:

Ike: Tell me, Soren, are you all right? Soren: Hm? Ike: Recently--ever since we reached Begnion, in fact--you've seemed depressed. Soren: Is...is that so? How odd. Well, I can think of nothing specific that's bothering me. Ike: Well, if you say so. Ike: So, it's time for the desert! Which is the best direction to enter from? Soren: ... Ike: Soren? Soren: ...Eh? Yes, what is it? Ike: All right, I know there's something going on! Soren: I'm... I'm sorry... I was...thinking. What is it you wanted? Ike: Well, I was going to ask you for directions, but it's no longer necessary. It looks like we're being met.

This is one of the most blatant examples of their supports being integrated into the plot. It follows up on Ike telling Sigrun that Soren’s been depressed, and leads directly into their B support, plus foreshadows their A support by establishing Soren’s reaction to finding out that he’s branded.

Ch 17:

Ike: Hm? Is that you, Soren? You're up early. Soren: Actually, I'm always awake at this time. Ike: Really? Soren: Yes. You're the one who's up earlier than normal. Ike: I want to finish our mission today. I think my nervous energy woke me up. Soren: I understand... The last two days spent searching Serenes Forest for that heron have been frustrating and fruitless. I'm sure he's in there somewhere, but… Ike: I agree. And Duke Tanas's men are still hunting away. They must think the heron is there as well. Soren: The only place left is the forest's heart. That's where we should go today. With luck, we may finally locate our target. Ike: I get the feeling it's going to be a long day.

This, meanwhile, happens after the B support has already been available. This is mostly plot exposition, but what’s significant is that the tone and dynamic are very different than just a couple chapters ago. You can’t tell in text, but they’re smiling in the lines about their sleep schedules, making the vibe very casual and domestic. This is a far cry from just a little while ago, when Soren couldn’t hold a conversation with Ike even while doing his job. This suggests that Soren is feeling somewhat better, and has regained his usual dynamic with Ike–which only really makes sense when you’ve just gotten their B support, and Soren has gotten a lot off of his chest while deciding to keep the rest to himself for now.

Another sweet thing here is Soren’s understanding and sympathetic replies to Ike, which as we saw earlier in the game, he was struggling to provide on a basic level. They’re truly learning and growing together even in little ways.

Immediately after that, we transition into this:

Soren: I believe this is the place where we ended our search yesterday. Ike: I realized something a couple of days ago...Even in this forest, you always know exactly where you are, don't you? Soren: Hm? Ike: How do you do that? I think it's the lack of color, but these woods are starting to look the same to me. Soren: Yes, that's a problem...

This is again foreshadowing lore from their supports by hinting that Soren has better senses than a beorc (personally, I theorize that due to his dragon blood, Soren has above-average spatial awareness and other abilities that help him with navigation–handy for a tactician!) and setting up the reveal that he managed to navigate a forest on his own as a child.

And finally, one late-game scene:

Ch 27:

Ike: The one I seek is behind these doors. Don't follow me. I'm going in alone. Soren: Ike! Wait! I'm going with– Titania: No, Soren. We have to let Ike go alone. The Black Knight is his. Defeating him is a crucial step that Ike must take in order to truly get over the death of his father. Soren: Idiocy! I'll hear no more of this naive nonsense! What if something happens to him? What then? Titania: I think Ike has gained the composure to keep calm and judge whether or not he can match an opponent. If, in fact, he can't...it means he's reached his full potential, and that's all there is to him. We just have to accept that. But I believe in Ike. I trust him. His life is not his alone any longer. I don't believe he's so irresponsible as to leave his companions behind by choosing to engage in a contest he cannot win. Please, Soren, you must feel the same way. Don't you? Soren: ...I don't like it. Sometimes, bravery and good judgment aren't enough. Titania: Commander Greil... Watch over your son.

I don’t have a lot to say that’s relevant to my other points, I just love this scene for how it establishes both Soren and Titania’s dedication to Ike, and what that means to each of them. Shoutout to the Tellius audio CD for showing us what it would be like for them to support Ike in a fight against the BK! (And shoutout to it in general for having some incredible Ike/Soren content, including some adorable casual banter as well as more dramatic moments.)

Radiant Dawn

Honestly, for understandable reasons of scope, RD doesn’t have as much in the category of ‘Ike/Soren moments that are personal but not in supports/base convos/death quotes/epilogues/etc.’ There are a few fave moments I want to highlight though, as well as just a general appreciation for how Soren is constantly referenced as being at Ike’s side, considering what I’ve already said about what that means re: his arc.

Also, shout-out to their intro cutscene where Soren pays no attention to his surroundings as he hurls magic at the enemies surrounding Ike.

Ch 3-3 (base convo)

Ranulf: Soren has even answered some of Skrimir’s more insane requests. He doesn’t listen to a word I say, but when Soren talks strategy, he’s all ears. Ike: Is that why he hasn’t been complaining during the briefings? Ranulf: He says he looks forward to what the little strategist will say next. It looks to me like Soren’s charmed his way into the most powerful position in this army. Titania: I’m glad to hear it. He’s changed, hasn’t he? Ranulf: Yeah, I think so. He still doesn’t say much, but he’s a lot more at ease these days. He used to be completely closed off, rejecting anyone who tried to get close. Like he’d lock himself away, all alone in his own little world. Ike: We all lost and gained something during the Mad King’s War. Maybe it wasn’t a complete waste, after all.

Ranulf’s commentary on Soren’s growth here is great, and of course we have seen how Ike’s support enabled it. It also just says so much that Ike thinks the war wasn’t a complete waste, after all he himself lost and all the horrors he witnessed, just because Soren is more at ease. Especially if you pursue their supports in PoR, Ike spends considerable energy trying to help Soren feel better, so it makes sense that this is still a priority for him.

Ch 3-7

Micaiah: You are so… cold. It’s like you’re cloaked in frost. Is there even blood in your veins? Soren: There is. Blood very similar to yours, in fact. Blood that teaches us what it means to be rejected and alone. Micaiah: Your heart is frozen, but I feel a warm core trying to melt through that ice. I see… You have someone you cherish very much. Someone you rely on.

3-13

Micaiah: Yes, and you would know. There’s something very different about you, too. Your energy feels so…ancient. You and I seem to have so much in common. Soren: That doesn’t matter in the slightest. The only thing that does matter is that you are a dangerous adversary. You are also in Ike’s path, so it falls to me to remove you. It’s almost a shame. Farewell, Maiden of Dawn. Micaiah: So, you fight for someone, as well. So very much alike… But I will defeat you. I will protect the ones I love!

The parallels between Soren and Micaiah and their relationships, as well as other characters (Hi, Zelgius), are their own fascinating topic. The whole convos between them are great, but I’ll just highlight that it says a lot that Micaiah can read Soren’s heart and sense Ike’s impact on him. Especially when you combine it with Ranulf’s observation, it brings home the influence Ike has on Soren. His first reaction to recognizing Micaiah as a kindred spirit is to focus on the idea that they’re both alone, but she immediately calls out that this isn’t entirely true. Given how determined Micaiah is to protect her loved ones, stemming in part from her own experiences with being branded, the fact that she can recognize that in Soren also speaks volumes.

Ch 3-8

Soren: Our options are profoundly limited, Ike. It appears our only other choice is those caves up ahead. Ranulf: Caves? Oh...yeah, those are the Kauku Caves. We don't want to go there. It's a complex maze, full of lava and ash. Not exactly a place you'd want to rest. The legends say that, through the caves, there's one exit that leads to Gallia, and another exit that leads to Goldoa. Whatever the legends say, though, the fact is that it's suicide to go in there. We don't even have a map! Ulki: However, the more you hens carry on, the closer the enemy advances on us. They're now less than a day away. Soren: If the enemy catches up to us in this forest, we will certainly die. The caves are known to be dangerous, so Begnion may not pursue. Even the most formidable natural hazard isn't as deadly as an intelligent, living enemy. We must go to the caves. Now. Ike: All right, Soren. I trust you. Let's move out for the caves.

Here’s where my analysis ends. I just…Ike hears how deadly this volcano is, hears Soren say that’s the safest place to be, and then immediately orders the large group of people he’s responsible for to enter it because if Soren says he’ll be safe in the volcano, then he’ll be safe in the volcano.

;_; “The Devoted” indeed.

(If you read this ~2k of script and ~2k of analysis, thank you and I hope you enjoyed! Happy IkeSoren Week Encore, everyone.)

[daisy-daze17]

Omori Manga Thoughts cause it was uhhh

OK so like. The thing is I only got into the omori fandom in February of this year so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

1. I'm mostly a fan of the art style-- a lot of people said that Sunny always seems to have a panicked expression so it's hard to read into him, plus the characters look a lot younger than they're supposed to (Which I find odd). But other than that, I think it does a really good job representing the scarier parts with very abstract drawings of Mari/Something. They coloured it well and thank god did Kel's skintone right. There is one particular panel that I especially love:

So much detail and it captures the feeling of seeing faraway for the first time really well ^^

Some nitpicky positive thoughts:

Sunny could have looked more distinct from Omori because the only difference I see are their outfits. Maybe make Sunny's features softer and have less contrasting values so we can see an immediate difference.

I like how they did everyone's eyes-- Sunny/Omori's are just dull and black, and everyone else with dark eyes are shown to have a light in them. (Just a nice detail i appreciated)

I like how Omori is clearly less expressive compared to sunny, but I think Sunny could have benefitted from having more emotions than surprised/blushing.

2. The pacing was weird. like really fucking weird. The basic structure of the game Omori is: Omori is in whitespace -> Omori plus the gang (Hero, Aubrey and Kel) meet up with Basil and Mari in headspace -> everyone minus Mari goes to Basil's house and learn all the combat stuff along the way -> after fixing the photo album it suddenly shifts to basil in a panicked state before glitching you back into white space again. The moment when basil shifts the mood from calm to terrifying is REALLY important.

It forces the new tone on you very suddenly and also sets up a lot of mystery surrounding Mari when Basil can't finish what he was going to say about her. By now we know that something is very wrong and it has to do with Mari, but we don't know what.

The manga is kind of all over the place the whole time. First we see the christmas scene when Sunny gets his violin. But then Mari does her whole nightmare thing and we know somethings up from the first few pages. Next we wake up at night as Sunny in the real world... yet it shows the little "THREE DAYS LEFT" as well? At this point I was super confused because basically the entire nighttime sequence is shown through a sort of montage with Sunny's mom's voice message in the background before transitioning into the day when Kel first knocks on the door. A cool thing they did was parallel Kel's knocking with the creepy knocking we get from Mari Something. HOWEVER for reasons unknown they just completely cut out the fight against something on the stairs??

Something I was really excited about was seeing how they would integrate the combat into the manga. And they do it later with the Aubrey fight (more on that later), but not now? So now I'm wondering if they'll include Sunny's three fears that he has to overcome.

So next we find our boy (KEL!!!!!) and he is asking Sunny if he wants to come to Hobbies. I did find the dialogue here pretty awkward as Kel bounced back and forth in demeanor, but that's to be expected since Sunny isn't talking. (And I appreciate how he shows some kind of reaction to seeing one of his best friends after 4 years lol)

I mean compared to this when he just jumps straight into his hobbez idea without much reaction to actually seeing Sunny lol.

The most notable thing after this is the Aubrey confrontation with Basil and the other hooligans. I DONT KNOW WHY but they chose to not show the hooligans in that scene!! The hooligans are aubrey's little gang/posse who she hangs around with all the time and the people we always see when she's bullying Basil.

It's very important to note that Basil is talking to KIM here. He starts the conversation begging for her to tell Aubrey to give the photo album back. Aubrey is actively ignoring his attempts to get it back, with basil claiming "She won't listen to me."

In the manga she appears out of seemingly no where and proceeds to beat Basil directly with her bat. Prior to this we get no setup or explanation as to why Aubrey's attacking him or what the situation is. WORST OF ALL, It's only Aubrey alone attacking him and NOT her gang of the Hooligans. The hooligans are important in showing us just how isolated and ostracized from society Basil really is after Aubrey began bullying him. He literally has a whole gang of kids who call him a creep and attack him regularly. Here it seems like Aubrey is insane and is just beating him selfless for kicks. (not that I'm justifying Aubrey's behavior in the game, but the lack of context makes this situation even worse.)

I think It's also important to bring up how they switched around the order of events because in this situation, it's not working. We're supposed to first be introduced to younger Aubrey and Basil in headspace-- their younger counterparts. Aubrey is strong-willed and excitable and Basil is calm and kind. And most importantly-- they're VERY GOOD FRIENDS. So seeing Aubrey revealed to have been bullying him these past 4 years shocks the player and makes them understand how much things have really changed. Doing it the other way around will automatically villainize DW Aubrey since we already know what goes on in real life.

And then something interesting happens-- Sunny blacks out during the fight and returns to Headspace. This is SUPER weird as we've only ever seen Sunny go into headspace while sleeping, because it's an escape mechanism he uses to avoid The Truth. Does this mean he isn't aware he goes into headspace unwillingly sometimes? And what does this mean for the continuation of the real world story? Are we going to go through the entire Space Boy quest just to get back to that scene?

Anyway, I'm interested to see how they take it from here. Maybe they'll do a continuous switchover to the real world where they jump between it more frequently. But I question what that would mean for the timeline because the events of headspace happen in between the three days while Sunny is sleeping-- so he can't be in two places at the same time. Maybe they'll write more and more random ways for Sunny to black out to do this?? They defiantly are trying to take a step back from following the game exactly. I can't say I don't like it because I don't know how it'll turn out, so I'm excited for chapter 2!

[nxrseryclouds]

🩹 DADDIES NEED BANDAIDS TOO

Pairing: Caregiver!Johnny Cage x Reader (Gender Neutral Pronouns Used: They/Them)

Synopsis: After an incredibly long day on his newest film set, Johnny returns home bruised more than usual. However you know the exact solution to all his booboo troubles! Bandaids!

Tags: Fluff, Comfort, Soft Feels, Regression

Warnings: Use of Pet Names (Daddy, ETC), Bruise and Wound Mention, Fight Mention.

Word Count: 781 Words

Author’s Notes: This is my first time writing or posting this sort of content so please be kind! I plan on writing more content like this when I’m able to but for now please enjoy this fluffiness!

Boring. Today had been strangely quiet for [Your Name]. It wasn’t necessarily unusual for that to be so, but they wouldn’t say they liked it. Quiet allowed time for thinking, too much thinking. Which meant they spent the last several hours drifting back and forth, in and out of their regressed headspace. They weren’t unable to handle it alone, just that they heavily preferred the company of their Caregiver. However Hollywood could never cut Johnny Cage any slack, whisked away for the newest and biggest project that his name would surely be plastered all over. If it made decent money and had plenty action? He was there. That man adored his name in the spotlight, the center of attention playing important characters on the big screen. His calling had always been acting, and he did an excellent job slipping into every role. His movies weren’t always appropriate to watch while regressed, certainly not a good chunk of them at the very least. Between the semi-realistic fight scenes and the rather graphic swears, he made it clear that they shouldn’t be watched without his supervision. Though [Your Name] was also quite the rascal from time to time, wanting to see Johnny work his movie magic as showed up to save the day or punch another bad guy in the face! Much too focused on the movie, they hadn’t even realized their Caregiver was making his way inside. Johnny’s keys rattled briefly until he managed to push the door open with a foot. His hands too bruised for him to strain them further than they already were. What called the Little’s attention to the Living Room was the tired sigh that was followed by a certain someone flopping against the cushions. He sprawled himself out, glancing over to see a lingering figure in his peripheral vision. They tilted their head, waiting to be beckoned by their Caregiver.

‘No need to hide over there Cupcake, come take a seat.’ He gestured for them to settle beside him, the cushion had room enough for a certain Little. They shuffled carefully, settling down as they looked over at Johnny. Exhausted was one word to describe him, it was hard to miss the bruises and scuffs that littered him too. Their face twisted in a slight frown, which then caught Cage’s attention almost immediately.

‘What’s with the frown? Worried about me my little Movie Star?’

“Your hands…” They spoke softly, though they came out a bit babbled and slurred.

‘Just a rough day on set, nothing your totally amazing Daddy can’t handle!’ He tried his best attempt at cheering them up but to no avail. Cage’s brows knitted together in brief thought on possible solutions to the case of frownies his Little was sporting, that is until they beat him to the punchline.

“I has a solution, sit still Mr. Daddy Cage.” They quickly toddled off without lingering protest from the man, he was just curious to see what they’d produce. To which they had surprised him by coming back with two complete handfuls of bandaids. Themes and colors were mixed together like it was no one’s business. Paw Patrol, Blue’s Clues, Disney, Bluey, Spongebob, Hello Kitty, you name it and it was more than likely in that pile. One by one they carefully peeled the bandaids, sticking each individual one to a different bruise, scrape, or cut on Johnny. Fingers littered in the colorful bandaids, knuckles, wrists, and his arms too. Cage felt akin to a sticker book, but the love and very careful attention his Little provided was more than enough to cause a smile. A fond upturn of his lips, watching as they paid mind to where each booboo was. Each one was also granted a peck, followed by a very enthusiastic ‘MWAH’. To which his Little had assured him that “Kisses made everything better”. He didn’t doubt it for even a second, already feeling much more relaxed thanks to them. When they were finished they took his bandaged hands and smiled, their creative and healing masterpiece now completed!

“Is okay, sometimes Daddies need bandaids too.” They said cheerfully, erupting into a fit of laughter as they were pulled against their Caregiver. From their forehead, to their little temples, and yes even their adorable nose Johnny covered them in kisses as his show of gratitude.

‘Sometimes they do, and this Daddy is very thankful to have as attentive of a Little as you.’ Though it hadn’t been the evening they expected, it certainly wasn’t unwelcomed in the slightest. The two spent the rest of their evening eating pizza, watching some much more appropriate movies, and per the “Doctor’s” orders- cuddling up together.

The End.

[exuberantocean]

Ted Lasso s3e01 - Observations

And anyone who guessed the starting close up for s3 was Ted would be right (I thought Keeley or Roy)

I also like that we can see some gray in the stubble (he’s in England so should I say grey instead?)

Also that text...oof  way to set up Ted’s headspace though.  That whole start was like a punch in the gut.

I’m adding the “I remember being left at school when I was Henry’s age” story as another to my list of “Ted’s parents not showing up/abandoning him” situations in his past...”Until my dad remembered to pick me up” 😭 )

Also what a crazy story all around though

And Ted cleaning up after Henry is all kinds of heartbreaking

Still uncertain if Ted’s flat has a bedroom for Henry.  I’d imagine he’d ask for one.  No clue if the fort and Ted’s bedroom is where he slept and, if so, if it was because he wanted to or had too. I suppose it doesn’t matter, just a little detail.

Is that a new shower scene or did they reuse the last one?  His hair looks longer in the shower than it does for the rest of the episode.

Brendan’s partner and kid!

Ted’s still nosy about Doc’s personal life which is...iffy to me but makes sense for his character

Rebecca.  Rebecca.  The thing is, this is exactly what Rupert’s after.  Whether you win or he does is, on a deeper level, immaterial.  He wants her obsessively thinking about him and he’s getting it.  The truth is, West Ham will sometimes win, sometimes lose and she needs to learn how to divorce (heh) her feelings about Rupert from the game. 

I’m glad that she has Higgins, Ted, and Keeley to bring her back down to what matters.  I hope she starts listening.  All three might need to be a bit more blunt going forward though.

Keeley babe.  I think you need help.  It’s 100% normal to be overwhelmed and I’m glad she’s reaching out but it sounds like maybe she’s trying to do too much too quickly.

I was thrilled that Higgins also has mascara stains.  I would hate to imagine the Higgins-Rebecca-Keeley trio is gone.  It thrills me that Higgins is still obviously in Keeley’s life

I love the team’s anxieties and the way Ted takes care of it.  I love Jamie stepping into “Ted Lasso” for the team shortly after.

I feel like the situation with Nate and Rupert really shows how well an abuser starts a toxic relationship.  Obviously they’re setting us up to look at Ted and Nate’s relationship some more this season, but I’m also hoping we get a look and Rebecca and Nate.  I feel like there’s some strong parallels there.  There always has been.

This is why I had Rebecca be the first one to talk to Nate in my fic “So Close”

I really thought the car thing was a good illustration of that.  It’s a gift but a rather backhanded one.  No fucking way Rupert didn’t know he was towing Nate’s car.  He set the whole situation up.

The whole conflict between Ted and Rebecca about taking the team to the sewers was interesting to me.  Something I think I need to think about.  But Ted’s doing the work that needs to be done and Rebecca’s worried about image.  “Rupert’s laughing at me, Ted.” But Rupert’s relationship to people and things is always shallow and condescending.  He’ll always laugh at Rebecca (or otherwise look down on her). That said, she’s not 100% in the wrong, as a business owner, to be concerned about image.  I’m not saying she’s right, just that she’s maybe not 100% wrong either (Ted was still right to do it, the need to get the team out of their own head was more important.) idk I need more time to think about it.

Not 100% sure I like the scene with Ted mocking himself.  I get why he did it and it was effective, but particularly when it came to mocking his own mental health.  It made me wince both because we know Ted’s struggling already with anxiety and probably some amount of depression and because, well, a lot of people with mental health struggles really aren’t taken seriously.

Overall, a great episode and good start to the season!

[radley-writes]

hey radleyyyy would you happen to have any thoughts on how to write something you love? how to inject your story with things that spark joy? I feel silly asking such a thing because it feels like the short answer would be to just write what sparks joy, but right now I'm kind of at a loss 😭 my current novel feels a bit boring! and I don't know what to do!

Sorry it took me so long to answer! I was ruminating over a response and then an inbox on another account got flooded with absolutely filthy fandom fuckery that stole away my squirrel brain. You have my apologies and my cuddles, because what you're going through is oh-so-familiar to me (and, I expect, to many other novelists). You are not silly to ask, and you are not alone! x

I am approaching this from the perspective of an ADHD gremlin, but I hope this advice will still be applicable.

First off, I think we can all do to remind ourselves that writing is many things at once - a joy, a chore, a vocation, an artform, a habit.

When you are working on a long creative project, there will be times when it drags. No matter how much you love what you do, there will be days (weeks, months) where the words won't flow, where the plot stagnates, where your brain craves new enrichment and alternate interests.

And that's okay!

Accepting that you won't always love your novel is, in my opinion, the first step on the path to finishing it.

It isn't wrong to feel bored of your writing. It doesn't mean your writing is bad - or even boring to anyone who isn't yourself! Tedium is a natural part of the creative process, and I think acknowledging that can reduce the pressure we feel as artists to continuously exude hype about our own creative content.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, or that your writing is boring. But I can definitely understand your desire to find joy in your writing again!

When I find myself drifting into that headspace, so long as I'm under no time constraint for publishing deadlines, I amble off to write something else for a bit. I usually set myself a small-ish target (50K or under) which I can hyperfocus on and bang out in a week - which for me, means fanfic! Even if it's of my own characters.What’s important is that it’s easy-writing, tropey shenanigans. Anything that will get the word-juices flowing again.

Alternatively, I do writing exercises! There are some really great ones out there - a Google search should provide content, but if not, I can send you some ideas!

It can really help to just cut loose, give yourself permission to pop the current idea in a box, scoot it surreptitiously under your mattress, and come back to it later.

If that doesn't appeal, and you want to keep working on this draft, I would gently guide you to that old authorly adage:

What seems boring to writers is not boring to readers.

We have mulled over, drafted, redrafted, edited and proofread the same story again and again and again. Even if you're on your first draft, you are likely putting in a helluva lot of thought into every sentence, scene, chapter. The most critical reader in the world will not be expending nearly as much effort on parsing your text as you poured into writing it.

I often imagine the sheer work that goes into writing a novel as an assault course. There are times where you are gleefully romping about the woodlands with your imaginary friends, and everything is sunshine, birdsong, and cool neon fungi.

Then there are times times where you get stuck in the nets on your belly and it starts to rain.

And all those imaginary friends just kinda stand around and shrug at each other and watch you wiggle like a worm through the mud. And you're drenched and shivering and miserable and there's something stuck in your left boot that keeps going squelch. And you start to wonder why you ever thought an assault course was a good idea - and how you're going to get the mud stains out of your trousers.

By the time you drag yourself to freedom, you might have barely moved ten inches through the course. But that's still just as big an accomplishment as all the fun frolicking that preceded it.

Whether you decide to divert your attention to a new project or keep squirming squidgily forwards, I wish you the best of luck!

[koqabear]

HELLOOOO i am back with my (hopefully) long awaited analysis/review!! i don't know what switch flipped in my brain last night but i woke up this morning with such an intense Yearning to read killer instinct after years an entire week and so... i did! i almost want to scold myself for how long it took me to finally read because why on earth was i depriving myself of yet another masterpiece?? literally as i was reading this i thought about how this could be just like that wattpad one direction fanfic that got turned into a movie with how good this is like you don't even get it...

i just finished reading so my brain is kind of all over the place huhu i wrote in my notes again because there's so much i want to touch on but nothing that i wrote is really coherent but i'm going to try my very best to write everything in a way that makes Sense. i think i might just spend an entire hour and a half, or even more, (edit: it took me even more, and not because i was typing but i because i got distracted) just trying to get through everything i want to talk about though because holy shit... there's literally just so much; i think i went straight into my notes just during the first scene where beomgyu and taehyun are trash talking each other just before their first ever fight, and i just couldn't stop thinking about that initial teaser warning about a "healthy dose of homosexual tension" because literally, the first note i wrote down was GOD THIS PLACE REEKS!! (read in the voice of that blue shark from spongebob that's like 'oh brother, this guy stinks!') i love it ofmmgmgng the cockiness. The undertones of homosexuality. Chef's kiss; in response to:

“If anything, I should be the one worried for you,” Taehyun mutters, a fake look of sympathy crossing his face at the thought, his voice patronizing as he continues, “I wouldn’t wanna ruin your pretty face.”

And then the way it just Kept Going when taehyun shows up at beomgyu's mom's restaurant and they're literally bickering at the counter like they're about to start fighting in the middle of said restaurant... you're crazy but i'm crazier because i was absolutely living for every second of it!

okay, in an effort to make this all Make Sense i'm just going to start off by saying i think one of my favorite parts of my whole experience with reading killer instinct was that it was written as if you were to read the alt text to an entire kdrama... which, in hindsight, i guess is kind of what literature for considering some kdramas are based off webtoons or some movies are live adaptations of books? lol? i don't know how to better explain this idea because it already makes sense in my head but i guess i really like the way everything flows so naturally into different scenes regardless of whether there was a cut or not and how you vividly depict the settings of scenes in a realistic way that it feels like the words i'm reading are happening around me or they're something i can easily visualize as if the setting was actually in front of me in the form of a show or movie; and this is something i really enjoy seeing... reading? when i read because i think it's just so so important that, as a reader, i can picture exactly what and where something is going on because not only does it add to the experience of reading, but it also i guess shows (?) in a way, what the writer was imagining as they were reading and... that's important! i feel like a lot of people kind of don't really pay attention to or focus on adding the details to describe the setting or atmosphere of where their story is happening and it's kind of just left up to everyone else's personal interpretation and imagination through word choice, dialogue, and whatnot. okay, so ig little tldr; i really like colorful descriptions! i can immerse myself better that way!

anyways back to the kdrama thing, the general idea of the plot i was getting in the beginning (i was still in that crazy bamtori headspace so my take was still very much centered around him and his existence... sorry <3) was like... it's supposed to trick viewers into thinking they know the obvious which is that the story is centered around beomgyu who's the average mischievous male "lead" — except he's not actually the male lead and they just want you to think he is — who is constantly getting himself into trouble and worrying his best friend, who just so happens to work at his mom's restaurant, sick because she has to go drag him out almost every time and then boom! here comes taehyun, and everything you thought you knew about what you were watching is chucked straight out the window because surprise! the male lead is actually the second one who you just met and not the first one you were suspecting the entire time.

also, kind of in addition to that, i kept getting like... mad at beomgyu lmfao? like mc was taking the words right out of my mouth!

“I asked for your help— three hours ago. Yet you still chose to be a brat and go back upstairs the moment your mother pitied you. You—“ cutting yourself off, you sigh, shaking your head before you’re picking the wet towel back off, turning your back to him, “I hope you realize how much she spoils you.” 

possibly the realest thing mc could have ever said i was getting Real Life Angry because most of the time momma's boy boys (? words) are can be so evil like they'll KNOW they're in the wrong too for taking advantage of their mom's kindness like that too and as i kept reading i would just get more and more angry at the shit beomgyu would say like the whole:

“You know, for a mere worker, you sure are involved in our personal lives.” Beomgyu’s words are hissed out and sting like acid as your eyes widen, gritting your teeth together as you watch Beomgyu sit back in realization— as though he didn’t know what he said until now. 

SOLFHJUSHGJIDURGH... i don't even think you understand how bad this triggered me, like i swear to god when i tell you i have never wanted to jump through a screen and hit a man so badly in my entire life... i genuinely wanted a go at him. you made it so hard to like him at all and be the crazy bamtori i am (this had to be on purposefudhughdrg) i genuinely hated him and before i started reading, i saw another anon send an ask about focusing on his character so i was like omg~ but noo. i literally wrote a note under this part saying, 'this man needs to die and go to hell. Mere worker.... MC IS HELPING YOUR MOM AND YOU LIVE. SHE GOES TO YOUR STUPID UNDERGROHND ILLEGAL FIGHT CLUBS BC SHES STILL WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WELLBEING AND YOUUU.... The belittling is fucking crazy im gonna die of cardiac explosion like a sim if he keeps this shit up' so for the entire first third of the story i was like JIN LET ME AT HIM!!!! also side note, it's kind of funny (as in coincidental) too because the other day i saw these tweets where it was basically like 'i think fathers lose their mind a little bit when they realize their daughters aren't as forgiving as their wives' and one of the responses to that tweet was 'husbands lose their minds a little when they realize their wives aren't as forgiving as their mothers'. now.. beomgyu is neither a father or husband in killer instinct, but he IS (or at least i thought he was at first!) a little bitch, so the way that both statements basically touch on how as men realize there's less and less bullshit they can get away with as there's more women surrounding them, i thought it was crazy to actually... be able to see that dynamic between beomgyu's extremely forgiving mother and mc who acts as this "uptight" older sister (and taehyun's instigating after made me absolutely livid i wanted to bite his head off) who always has to get him out of trouble just made me think of that and i was like damn! in essence, i was once again reminded that i hate men and the patriarchy, BUT as i kept reading i realized there were actually a lot more layers (what did i expect really... like of course there was, it's not a koqabear fic if there isn't insane characterization!) slowly unraveling as we get to the part where more about mc gets revealed and by the time jay was introduced, i had to stop reading just to write down everything i wanted to tell you that i noticed and liked because... seriously just by adding half of the industry into this story allowed it to be so much more jam packed with characterization and layers; i think you did a really good job writing their personalities and back stories and then when applicable, incorporating both of those into their fighting styles with characters like beomgyu and jay for example.

The things he could do with the prize money were endless— he already had a few ideas in mind, thinking back to his hardworking mother and how much she struggled to raise him on her own while still managing her restaurant. Then he thought about you, of the hard times he gave you, knowing how much you feared him going through the same things you did, of turning to a life dependent on fighting and gambling.

i wanted to jump off a building. So bad. and like i said, by the time jay got introduced i had gotten a pretty good gist of everything and i just want to say i love love love how everyone is characterized so differently and how you made it a point to acknowledge so many things when it came down to writing their fighting style and why they do it. i'm genuinely amazed at how detailed and intricate the world building for this fic is. it's absolutely insane. even though there's cliches like the spoiled rotten momma's boy who's an absolute menace to society and says or does things that make you want to slap him silly and tell him, just like many characters in the story had, to just use his brain for once and think. and then the weak kid who's filled with so much rage and a burning desire to protect himself with, what started as self defense, but allows/gets manipulated into having it become an unhealthy way of coping with his trauma and the only way he knows how to express his anger as he becomes the very same bloodthirsty monster he used to fear all those years ago the moment he steps into the cage... it's actually brilliant idk! i think there's just a whole, completely different and deeper sentiment you can get by simply reading it instead of watching it. being able to have this sort of epiphany, whether it was something you intended on incorporating or my overanalyzing, i think my general point still stands that it takes an amazing and extremely talented writer to take something that's generally viewed as a cliche or an overdone trope to the point that it's boring and express it in a way that feels new and even refreshing to read and realize.

like i mentioned before, i think it's just as important that there's characters like mc who feel like they're entitled to stop someone from going down the same path they did and feel responsible when they still do even though in actuality it's not their fault or doing at all, as well as beomgyu's mom like. ugh. i love how despite knowing mc's (and yoongi's!) history with those clubs, given they met there, his mom never once blamed or accused her for beomgyu's constant returns to those clubs or even implied that she was a bad influence on him. even when she gets the phone call that her son's in icu with an infection from getting stabbed at one of those clubs, instead of scolding mc or berating yoongi, two champions of the very illegal underground fight club she had to take beomgyu out of as an adolescent and now see him lay in a hospital bed in critical condition because of his involvement there again... she was happy and relieved to see them and to the point she gave them big ol' bear hugs like T_T i just love the little side found family you incorporated because being able to read the scene which is, essentially, what leads mc to be taken under beomgyu's mom's wing and out of that bad place with something as simple as "and you? will you be alright here?" followed by “if you’re ever hungry, you can always stop by. On the house,” then realize that that very same kindness without judgement she was shown is something she still remembers and cherishes is so beautiful and heartwarming idk like i can't even be ashamed if this is just me overanalyzing and being corny because i ate that shit up! licked the plate clean! not an ounce of anger or judgement in that fictional woman's body... having his mom, be a mom was just kind of the icing on the cake because there was still a character like her who existed in the world you created despite all the chaos within it. also joy too omg even though her time was fairly short, it was still nice to have that just-happy-to-be-here and carefree bubbly personality thrown into the mix of what is already a serious matter like illegal underground fighting, gambling, the welfare of character's like beomgyu; his mom; and mc herself because... like you wrote, mc's only there and out of where she came from because of beomgyu's mom and with him in icu racking up hospital bills from being in critical condition and getting treatment for it, his mom would be subjected to pay for all of that and it doesn't just affect her, but it affects mc too. just knowing that there was so much on the line for them, how mc blames herself for not doing better to save him and the years she's been trying to steer him out of that direction; there was just a sense of realism i experience reading and it was to the point that as i was taking these notes of what to say, i realized that in a way joy's character could even be angering to some...? because there's just so many things at stake and despite the rigorous physically taxing training to make ends meet by putting Everything on the line into this one, extremely dangerous glimmer of hope, there's still someone like joy who can lessen the blow just by existing and being there. This was not at all supposed to be this long but fuck it we ball!

all seriousness aside, because holy shit why did i start making comparisons to the real world when i was just talking about characters and personalities, there were so many times i laughed while reading this because even though. the story's not at all meant to be comical it is like in the very beginning i had to take a step back because no way my babygirls taehyun, beomgyu, jin, TAEYONG, and jeno are all here? also the whole thing where jungkook and mc very Clearly have something going and putting it in a TAEHYUN fic is so sick and twisted!! you know he taehyun looks up to him jungkook! 😭😭😭 the part where they're kind of having a little rival moment had me giggling because like beomgyu, i also wanted taehyun's head on a saucer in the beginning because aside from instigating and being a bitch with an attitude (telling mc to keep her nose out of beomgyu's business) after just having taken a jab at beomgyu by checking him when he said that him and mc are like family i was just. LIKE THAT'S CRAZY!?#@?! the little warning about him being a bitch was so necessary because i got whiplash reading how he'd interact with beomgyu and mc. just a very insane man, but he was still my silly little sharkcat (this is also a crazy thing to say sorry); despite them all being connected to very much Illegal and Shady things you kind of perfectly portrayed what being a "newbie" really is because there's seasoned veterans like mc and yoongi, aaand then there's taegyu. the part where he can't stop looking at where the gun is concealed took me out so bad like this poor boy 😭 he just wanted to fight and win some money fair and square then next thing he knows he's being sent on a mission to get that money back because his sparring partner got set up and, on top of that, stabbed??? HIS ASS DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THAT? also the way this next part flows so naturally had me laughing a little like. I feel like zendaya with tom holland right now but hear me out you were funny on Accident while writing this?

“You know I have a club to run, right?” it’s clear you’ve given up as you mutter a yeah yeah, softly, pouting like a child to the older man, “I can’t have this place running while you’re training that poor kid to death.”

“My regimen has results.” you say defensively, glaring at Seokjin, who simply puts up his hands in defeat, unphased by your attitude as he glances back at Taehyun.

“He looks like he’s about to pass out.” 

the pacing was perfect? so was the forced proximity. LET ME GET ON WITH THIS. okay, so back to the kdrama point i made earlier. that still stands! the late night deep conversations and life stories shared at a convenience store over a bottle of soju and cheap instant ramen despite the whole world wanting to fall apart right under your feet and the sky is willing itself not to come crashing down on you... that's something i love to see! honestly, i think by the time taehyun and mc started making progress...? in their relationship there was already so much i had to process, it was too much for my brain to handle and thoroughly analyze to comment on, so i just kind of blacked out and regained consciousness when there was that kiss of adrenaline from winning and taehyun not being given the chance to process any of it. Also making out in front of a hospital is crazy? in a good way though! still definitely not as crazy as like. literally everything else going on but aside from that i think the laaasst compliment i have is that. you're getting way too good at writing that little turning point where the tension between mc and the member just kind of Explodes everywhere. it was like gyu from camera shy possessed taehyun through the keyboard like. Sorry but the parallel between “How are you gonna make it up to me now?” and “I won just for you... Don't you think I deserve a reward for working so hard?” is crazy i'm sick to my tummysgjdjgdh. I need to be held after reading this – ml

HI!! When i tell you your review absolutely FLOORED me, you were so detailed and went above and beyond with your thoughts/analysis, i feel so appreciated right now i could cry :((( you’re fueling my ego right now, this is a bit dangerous…

as always, i go into detail under the cut ! if it all sounds insane i apologize bc i did indeed go insane a little! 

-[Taegyu and the intense… tension]

ACKSNDKS NO BE HEAR ME OUT. killer instinct was three seconds away from looking like a taegyu fic from how much tension i kept adding 😭😭 when i took a step back from the scene i remembered thinking “holy shit the mc hasn’t even showed up yet” like,,, i had to fight for my life to make her character relevant once she showed up??? this could’ve ended up as a serious bromance if i hadn’t been more careful 😭

-[descriptions and storytelling hehe]

thank you sm for picking up on this omg <///3 i think this story is one where i was really inclined to make everything really detailed? i feel like in a setting and world that intense, the environment is rlly important to include bc it adds to the storytelling!! especially in the opening scene, something must’ve possessed me bc i was just super determined to set the mood properly dksbdkd 

i really appreciate you pointing that out !!

-[i almost made gyu a love interest… (hides in shame)]

omg lemme just say, throughout the beginning of the fic i almost considered adding a sprinkle of unrequited feelings from Beomgyu for the mc, but i decided against it bc the idea of a “love triangle” in a story like this was straight up unnecessary; im so glad i did tho, because it allowed me to focus on a different dynamic i’ll get into in a bit! 

-[turning ml agianst beomgyu ?! / abt gyu, the menace to society.]

HAHAHA UR SO REAL FOR THIS 😭 when i was thinking of how i would write the mc, i knew i had to give her a reason as to why she was such a “bitch” to beomgyu— and lemme tell you, i absolutely despise a mommas boy, specifically one like beomgyu. he’s very childish and spoiled (on the surface, at least) especially bc his mother treated him like royalty growing up. she only gave him the best and always coddled him bc she was all he had and she wanted to give him the best life she could. so as a result, she raised a very rotten kid 😭 naturally, when the mc appeared and began acting as the strong and cold authority figure beomgyu never had, he didn’t really know how to react; which leads to him saying shit he has no business saying and acting like a damn fool. he’s learning, though! 

-[A small look into the mc’s past and how it affected her relationships with others.]

“…fathers lose their mind a little bit when they realize their daughters aren't as forgiving…”

“…husbands lose their minds a little when they realize their wives aren't as forgiving…”

the way that both of those quotes had me in pieces. i think a big reason as to why i like the mc is bc of the relationships she’s made with the choi family and also bc of how she carries herself despite dealing with a lot of trauma. she’s a very strong and independent woman who refuses to take shit from anyone, especially men; i only briefly touch on her backstory bc i didn’t want to write anything triggering that didn’t really need to be written full-depth, but the mc doesn’t come from a loving family— at all. it’s the thing that led her to a life of crime in the first place, which is exactly why he became so protective of beomgyu; he has the one thing she’s only ever wanted, and that’s a loving parent that would go to the deepest pits of hell to rescue him. to me, adding the choi family was like granting the mc rest— which is why she was able to fit herself into their life so easily, and why she makes herself into a sister-figure that keeps beomgyu in line; just so she can prevent him from becoming another ruthless monster in the world. 

-[me going insane over characterization]

again, thank you for pointing that out eee!!! one thing i always enjoy the most about writing is characterization! i genuinely find it fascinating to see how writers bring a character to life, so i find it very important to try and make my own characters interesting and layered 😭 i think my favorite part about having so many characters in killer instinct was the fact that i could add a deeper sense of life through the way they interacted with each other and the relationships they made! who they knew, whether they liked them, the way they acted and talked around/to them, it all aids in characterization !  it’s genuinely one of my favorite things about writing, so you bringing it up means a lot to me <3

-[wow, gyu’s all grown up.]

i think that by the time beomgyu decided to join in the fightx tournament, he really matured as both a son and a friend/family to the mc. sure, he had always used his reward money to help pay the expenses of the restaurant and rent, but it was only because it felt more like an obligation as a son to him— but as he grew older and became more involved in the underground fighting scene, he began to realize just how important his family was to him, even if it was too late to outwardly express it with confidence— even more so when the restaurant began struggling a bit and the mc had to overwork herself as a result. and yeah, he may have gotten a bit blinded and carried away by the prize money from fightx, but he only wanted to give back to the two people that raised him and never gave up on him, even when he grew to be a little bitch !

-[me rambling about fighting styles 😔]

not to keep geeking out abt my characters but i had soooo much fun writing everyone’s fighting styles— it really let their personalities shine through and it made me think about what each character was like on a deeper level. i think joy is one of my favorite (and more obvious) examples, but ya, choosing to do an mma au instead of simply boxing was the greatest decision ever :))

-[my thoughts on movie adaptations lol]

thank you so much, seriously omg :(((( i’m so glad that you think i gave these cliches justice haha, i honestly wondered if jays character was a bit… much..? but i do agree with the whole deeper sentiment through reading thing, because there’s just some things that can only be conveyed through words; i feel like that’s why i’ve found some movie adaptations a bit empty or lacking— because at the end of the day, i feel like even the smallest details and choice words really help elevate a character’s thoughts and emotions, but not everything can be expressed in a movie. 

-[Ms. Choi is literally an angel idc] 

Ms choi is both the sweetest and most emphatic character in that story <3 she’s an absolute sweetheart who, despite everything she’s gone through, has learned to always look on the bright side and not let the negativity get to her— after all, it wouldn’t be very good for beomgyu to grow up with a vindictive and resentful mother, right? in the end, everything about Ms Choi goes back to her son; which is why, during the scene where the mc and gyu first meet, Ms Choi is able to get a good grasp of the mc’s character— even more so when she opens herself up to visiting her restaurant to even working at it. 

all that time of trust and growth only proved to Ms. Choi what she already knew of her (and yoongi, merely bc of the amount of time he spent glued to mc’s side while she worked) and that was the fact that deep inside, all she really longed for was the security and comfort of a good life, surrounded by loving people. and who was she to deny that from her ? <3

-[My weakness, the found family trope.]

if i had allowed myself to, i would’ve indulged in the whole found family aspect of this fic a lottt more. it’s genuinely one of my favorite tropes simply bc it destroys me every time, so the fact that you’re bringing it up is rlly satisfying to me :)) 

-[my thoughts about joy’s character]

i think joys character was also really refreshing to write; someone who, just like Ms. Choi, chose to cope with her situation and hardships by trying to remain positive and bubbly, even if the situation didn’t really call for it. and though her attitude may have made her seem insincere or insensitive, it’s just her trying to keep everyone on a lighter mood instead of letting them get too into their heads— and yeah, she’s definitely had times where people get angry and up in her face bc she seems to take everything as a joke, but that doesn’t stop her from caring in her own, unique way. 

-[thoughts on choosing idols + tyun, an absolute psycho.] 

NO BC IT WAS WAYYY TOO FUN PICKING THE IDOLS THAT WOULD FIT THE CHARACTERS 😭😭😭 like i know for a fact taeyong would be the last person in the universe to step into a shady and brutish place like that, but man does he have to appearance for it ! (along with jeno hehe) 

as for the jk thing….. no comment! ^v^

but seriously, taehyun was a little batshit insane in killer instinct 😭😭 a true instigator and fiend at heart, he barely has the power to control his mouth before he’s spitting out stuff that’ll get him in serious trouble. which,, has happened before, so let’s just say he also got into fighting as a defense mechanism! 🤗 (that is a joke. kinda.)

(ALSO THE SHARKCAT THING IS SO FUNNY BUT ACCURATE???) 

-[tyun, who did not sign up for any of this!!]

no bc i literally had so much fun when it was revealed that the mc was also a fighter 😭 it added another layer of superiority bc she now was both older and more experienced than tyun— so let’s just say the poor dude practically fell to his knees at the memory of him telling the mc she doesn’t know shit about the underground fighting scene skdbdkd 

but the tyun fr just wanted to cope in his own way, what the hell do you mean he’s going up against a tyrant's prodigy??? what the fuck!!

i also enjoyed myself a bit too much when the mc interacted with jin or yoongi, simply bc she could allow herself to let loose around them haha 

-[killer instinct and its lack of romance 😔]

i’m such a sucker for those types of typical scenes lmaooo like… can you tell i’m an avid kdrama watcher?? oooouuuh it’s showing isn’t it. 

but i seriously feel a bit bad for those who expected this story to have more romance 😭 i did think about adding more honestly, but that would’ve made the story longer simply because their development had to be slowww if i was going to be detailed. there’s so many scenes i mentally cut out simply bc i was like “ok i fr should get on with this.” 

one of them being a scene where they visit gyu and the mc gets to see the friendship between the two better— it allows her to see him in a new light and blah blah blah u get the gist huh 

-[my secret thoughts about the smut ahhhh]

making out in front of a hospital is indeed insane and if the parking lot hadn’t been empty the two most definitely wouldn’t have had any peace!! like, hello?? ppl are dying over here!

i honestly did get reminded of camera shy gyu when i wrote that line 🫣 also a little confession, i was not satisfied with the smut like. at all 😭😭😭😭 i felt as though there was so much more room to play around with their dynamic but i just didn’t?? and i blame it on the fact that i was telling myself not to get carried away for the sake of how long it already was 😭 

i actually wrote love fool bc i had finished killer instinct and was in a mood to write a more detailed smut out of pure spite 😭 love fool was neverrr supposed to see the light but i was so frustrated with myself that i decided well, fuck it!

-[ml you are everything to me, thank you </3]

ml (who, as i currently type this, is no longer ml, i guess?) i seriously can’t begin to tell you how thankful i am for this— like, i’ve never felt more grateful for the fact that you took the time to write such a detailed, long review??? you are straight out of a writer’s greatest dream, i will never stop loving the fact that you went into so much detail with this— when i first received your inbox, i started scrolling… then kept scrolling… then kept scrolling…. and when i tell you my eyes widened so bad and my jaw dropped, i had never been so happy while reading a review <3

writing is made even more enjoyable to me because of people like you, who give me the opportunity to share my thought process and talk about universes and stories i absolutely adore <3 you are seriously the best thing that’s ever happened to me on this blog, and i sincerely hope that other writers are able to experience this joy for themselves as well haha 

[thelordofgifs]

Caught up with tfs a few days ago… Just wanted to say that I absolutely love it, especially how you've depicted certain dynamics (Maedhros and Maglor. They're such complex characters and it's thrilling to see them interact) Can't wait for part 20!

Also, if you don't mind, there's a couple questions for you:

I remember a note of yours saying you were thinking about killing Maglor in the very first chapter of the fic… Do you have any idea of what turn things would have taken if you had done that?

(I hope this isn't too technical) What's your approach in writing? Do you start off with certain scenes already in mind or do you just ask yourself what would the characters do in certain situations?

P.S. Maglor, could you please focus on STAYING ALIVE for once?

This is such a lovely ask, thank you! I sat on it until after I’d got part 20 out so that I could answer it without worrying about spoilers (re Maglor in particular), but it’s been brightening my ask box since you sent it in! I’m so glad you enjoy tfs, and the Maedhros and Maglor dynamic in particular – I love the two of them to PIECES and I want everyone reading to end up as feral about them as I am.

So: killing Maglor! I very much did not want to do that, as this entire second arc has shown pretty conclusively. To be honest I think the fic would have been almost unrecognisable if Maglor had died. He’s one of the two main characters (there are lots of major characters, but Maglor is a main character), he’s appeared in literally every single part, and his arc is one that ties strongly with several of the fic’s important themes. On a practical level, if Carcharoth had killed Maglor, there would have been no particular incentive to bring Maedhros to Menegroth, and so Beren, Lúthien and Thingol would have had a lot less divergence from their canon paths. And the way I see Maedhros is that grief tends to make him completely shut down, so we wouldn’t even have had a feral chaos agent to cause trouble. Although perhaps Curufin, backed up by Celegorm, would have taken the opportunity to pull off a coup in Himring even sooner. But also I wouldn’t have got to write Maglor meeting Lúthien so this would not be as much fun :(

My approach in writing! Kind of a mixture of the two, really. Writing canon-divergence AU actually requires you to be in almost constant conversation with canon, I think. Especially in the first few parts of tfs I spent a lot of time asking myself, Okay, so how would [insert character] react to this situation, based on what they do in canon? As I got more into the swing of the story, and more settled in my characterisations, I defaulted a bit to my more usual process, which is very much “have cool scenes in head and figure out how to get there”. The stabbing (my beloved!!) is a good example of this. I’d set things up in parts 11 and 12 so that Maedhros was obviously in an Extremely Bad Headspace and would not react at all well to Fingon and Maglor’s return. He could try to kill Maglor, actually, I mused to myself. And as I thought through the scene I decided that I liked the image a lot and would now have to quickly contrive a reason for Fingon to not be there so that it could happen. But for the most part I do try to let characterisation inform the plot – less putting little guys into situations than trying to work out which situations the little guys would get themselves into, which I think tends to produce a more plausible plot than the “the image in my head is cool” method. And of course I love writing dialogue and many of the best scenes in the fic are conversational ones: for those I usually have an idea of what plot significance the conversation needs to have, and what sort of dynamic between the characters I’m trying to illuminate, but often when they get talking I lose control of them a little and have to wrestle them back into line! Which is both fun and frustrating. Sometimes characters come up with really cool lines completely out of nowhere (I am VERY pleased with “The iniquity is not written on your bones” like where did that come from), but sometimes they’ve been in my head for ages and I am absolutely dying to work them into a conversation (“Ask me to stay and I’ll stay” !!). So a mixture, again.

Thank you so much for the lovely ask!! ❤️

[kmackatie]

19 and 20 for the writer asks? (If you've answered those already, any two questions of your choosing 🫶)

Hello friend! 💜

(behind the scenes writer asks)

19. Who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about? Why?

Oh gosh, this one is interesting. I think, of the main characters I've sat in POV for, I used to say that I would find Essek far easier than Caleb, but it's kind of shifted recently. I still think I relate to Essek more and will naturally find my way around his headspace easier, but I've recently come to really enjoy sitting in Caleb's as well.

20. What’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?

I have answered this one here, so I'll also answer 10 instead!

10. Do you enjoy writing dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

The answer changes depending on when I think about it, though I generally say that I am a dialogue-first writer, but that isn't strictly true anymore. I have a drama degree, so playtexts are a place I feel very comfortable in, and still the way I default writing if I'm struggling with a scene or don't quite know what the action is yet. I find the beats through dialogue, then build out from there. The voices are important to get right. Prior to my long-fic, I also didn't really go for plot--I liked shorter works that explored a limited theme, and then I wrote 170k and can't say that I don't enjoy writing plot anymore. I recently also set a challenge for myself to try and do something deliberate with my exposition, and focus a little more on constructing a specific mood. We'll see if others agree when I finish posting pieces of (you) me, but so far I think it's had the affect I wanted.

[gasolinerainbowpuddles]

Hey Puddles! I’ve been following you for quite a while but never kind of found the courage to send you a message, don’t know why hahah. I just wanted to say that I absolutely love all of your stories and your massive talent in writing and creating such unique characters :) I wanted to ask, are Feral Woman and Endless Night still ongoing? No pressure at all! Just I love both stories so much. Hope you have an amazing week!

hi, bb!!!

girl, send me a message about whatever you want!

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I'm a goon lmao*:･ﾟ✧

literally just out here surviving on vibes, coffee, and Belvita Bites. I don't think my buffoonery is catching, so you should be alright on that front hahahaha.

I am still very much working on both my chaptered fics!

a few things going on behind the scenes here at Puddles Inc:

First off, this is me seeing your message and knowing somebody out there cares enough about my shit to ask me when the next part is coming:

✧✧✧✧ ENDLESS NIGHT ✧✧✧✧ For Endless Night, I actually had a change to the timeline of things in the story! Because I work several chapters ahead, that means I have to edit multiple chapters simultaneously to make sure my reworking is smooth and all that. It's not a hug alteration of the plot or anything, but it's an event that has several other little things sprouting from it.

Basically, I had some *~creative inspiration~* and decided to switch a couple of things up. I edit things about 5 million times before posting, so that's mostly what's going on there.

✧✧✧✧ FERAL WOMAN ✧✧✧✧ For Feral Woman, it's a stretch of the story that has been a little harder for me to write just on like a personal level. I always want to be in a good headspace whenever I'm writing, so I have been finding that it's taking more time to get those chapters finished than previous ones.

I honestly spent a little bit of time being annoyed with myself for not just pushing through it, but then I had to remind myself that I write things mostly as a healthy outlet and if I'm not enjoying it then it's not serving its purpose to me. I know without a doubt that when I enjoy my writing process, it shows through in the work. If I pushed myself to finish something just for the sake of getting it out, I have a feeling that would also show.

So basically I'm just trying to be patient with myself and work on this as it comes to me. I hope to get a chapter for both Feral Woman AND Endless Night out this week.

✧✧✧✧ OTHER SHIT ✧✧✧✧ My goblin brain has been setting synapses on fire if I don't make silly goofy edits here lately. Making memes or icons or edits or whatever has been scratching an itch in my brain, but it has def cut into my writing time. I don't regret it or anything like that, though. I fucking love memes.

I also wanted to spend a bit of time on some of my oneshot collections as well. Parts of stories were just coming to me, and I try to write it as it comes to me bc that seems to yield the best results for me personally. I am also working on things that I don't anticipate being released for several months, but they are important to me so I want to make sure I'm giving them some love, too.

Wow, look at all those words I just typed out holy shit.

See? Sending me a ask/inbox/whatever is almost too easy. You can't get me to shut up once I start going. 💀

Thank you for reading all my stuff and thank you for all your super kind words!

catch ya later, ♥Puddles♥

[flfverse]

Hiii it’s the sub!kiri anon again 💞 I meant to drop in earlier but immediately after your response I had like. a Cinematically terrible week so I’m stopping in now instead!

I loooove all your thoughts on the kink variety, especially everything you said w kaminari todoroki and shinsou! I’m curious about kaminari especially—like, what solo stuff looks like in this particular setting where kink isn’t always inherently sexual? and also how safe it is to do that kind of stuff alone, especially for a sub, since that headspace is super vulnerable! like if a sub drops in a forest and no one’s around to hear, how does he rebound from that? 👀

and for todoshin I’m just… frothing??? like yes good to make todoroki match shinsou but also UM?? the DRAMA of todoroki of all people being into pain, when you look back at his particular upbringing? It makes so much sense that he would get the wires for love and pain crossed with all the shit his parents put him through. there are so many layers of coping to unravel with him i could practically write an essay, so matching him up with shinsou is just soooo perfect imo haha. But yes!!! Service/pillow Princess todoroki is VERY IMPORTANT!! He can have both!!! The duality of man!!!!!!! He just feels so fluid to me like he can do it all and he SHOULD!

you mentioned shinsous damage with gags an muzzles… is that just because of his quirk, or is there trauma to unravel? 👀 i must admit I always love the trope of shinsou being muzzled as a kid, but with the context of this au i feel like it adds even more flavor ✨ that is, there’s kind of something inherently sub-like about being muzzled, and with shinsou being a dom, i gotta wonder what that could do to a kids head? like a dom being forced into a submissive role without consent during the formative years of his youth… much to think about 🧐

I’m also curious about how a dom/switch (or sub/switch, but I’m particularly talking about todoshin rn sooo ;p) works with the biological components! In your bkdk story there’s the switch therapy arc (which I LOOOOVE btw tysm for that💞💞💞 caretaker fatigue is so real and it felt so validating to get to see Bakugou getting taken care of for a lil bit ❤️‍🩹) which made it sound like switching if you don’t already lean switch would be difficult or unadvisable? So if a switch is paired with a dom, does that switch also need to satisfy their own dom leanings to be healthy? Or are they able to do alright with hanging out in the Sub Zone? And if they do need to go Dom Mode sometimes, how does the usual dom in the relationship handle that?

Sorry for all the questions! Todoroki n shinsou just got me thinking! 💞 also, kind of a non sequitur, but I wanted to say that some of my favorite scenes have been the subcircle scenes in each of your fics—especially the one w deku and todoroki that went so downhill 😏 what can i say I love the dramaaaaa

but yeah, sorry for the long message again! It felt too presumptuous to message you so I hope you don’t mind 💞This au has really been getting me through some difficult times lately, so thanks so much for all your hard work! I can’t wait for the next installment! Much love💞💞💞 —V

omg hi again! i’m sorry about your week :(( i hope it’s going a bit better now 💞💞

okay okay on kaminari and solo play—i came up with that fairly on the fly lol BUT i imagine this world has like, a thriving ASMR community where someone pretend-talks you through a scene or something lol, so that’s the main option. but also depending on the person they could just hang out and put themselves in a light headspace if they really tried. like the first thing coming to mind is pet play again 💀 even with no dom around you can still dress up yknow?

but you are correct it is not exactly what one would call Safe lol. definitely not uncommon, but ill-advised, because of the risk of drop or the sub hurting themself. the best-case scenario is something like what kaminari has, where other people are nearby to notice if something has gone wrong.

ugh and YES todoshin, i love them both so much so ofc i have to give them all the angst >:3 imagine it coming out that todo’s into pain and someone just decides to like, shame him about it. “obviously you don’t actually like it you were just conditioned by your father and you need therapy and your dom is abusive if they take advantage of that” yada yada yada. like no! well maybe! he does need therapy but shh anyway.

and oh i love giving shinsou quirk-related trauma so ofc muzzles <3 but i did NOT think about the inherent sub-ness of it omg….the urge to write about like a 13yo shinsou getting adopted by erasermic in this verse grows STRONGER. i need to talk about his issues. also uhhh the parallels of todoroki being forced into a dominant role and shinsou into a submissive one??? hello

yes okay and dom/switch relationships. there’s two ways this could go! i actually wrote a tiny exchange in CTL chapter 3 about how todoshin deal w this but i just had to go reread what it says bc i do not know my own lore. anyway. obvs this could be solved by polyamory but in the context of a monogamous relationship

scenario one: the switch is allowed to have other partner(s) as needed. todoroki alludes to this in CTL and says that recently he and shinsou & aoyama and tokoyami made a sort of…i guess friends with benefits? arrangement, since they have the same kind of issue. they’re not all dating each other, they just sometimes do a scene together if necessary. easier and more personal than always finding a different partner.

scenario two: i was going to use spinneraki as an example for this which is when i realized that i never wrote spinner’s orientation down anywhere. i have no idea what i want it to be. problem for later. regardless, shigaraki is a really sub-leaning switch, so he pretty much exclusively subs and works out his Dom Energy via running the league. so if someone leans hard one way or the other they might be fine doing that.

switches do generally need both headspaces for balance, though, BUT it would take a good bit longer to get to actual withdrawal if they were only indulging one side, if that makes sense?

ugh and YES i love the sub circle scenes they’re very fun. i have an idea in my wip list about todoroki angsting over joining one at ua bc he’s so used to just being a dom, but now that we have trans!kiri i can also give him the same angst…hehehe. i too love the drama.

and omg do not apologize for sending asks, i always love getting them and i love your energy💖 absolutely feel free to message me as well, but no pressure if you want to stay on anon.

[nerdfighterwhatevernumbers]

It’s honestly ridiculous when people say sex scenes are never necessary in fiction

I’m not even someone who’s very comfortable with sex scenes, I have to be in a right headspace or have the right buildup in the story and not be around the wrong people for it, but it’s nonsense to say an extremely common and meaningful thing is never important.

Like, first off, just having sex scenes destigmatizes sex to a degree, if you never showed it it would make sex look like a thing so bad you shouldn’t even think about it too long. Second, it’s a reflection of real life to have meaningful couple moments during sex, like saying ‘I love you’, and how they are intimate with each other also says a lot. Are they gentle, disconnected, rough, sad, passionate- it shows what they’re feeling in a very vulnerable moment. It doesn’t have to be full porn, but people will complain about couples in their underwear starting sex as ‘unnecessary’ when it would contain this kind of thing.

Even more graphic sex scenes, while it’s fine to be uncomfortable with them, can have really meaningful things going on. In Looking for Alaska, a book that was banned partly for this scene, a character gets a blow job and the whole point of the scene is that afterward it was awkward and there was no emotional connection between the characters, it left them feeling awkward and alone despite them being a couple. It was perfectly appropriate for a coming of age novel to talk about how early sexual experiences can feel meaningless and the confusion that comes with that. Another book had a character with sexual trauma, so how they had sex was relevant to them overcoming that trauma. If they have trust issues, asking to be tied up during sex would be a significant moment between them and their partner because of how vulnerable that position is.

Heck, just talking about sex in any degree when it’s so stigmatized can make people go ‘Oh, so this is normal’ or ‘I wonder why that made me feel weird but the other scene didn’t, maybe I have this thing about sex I need to figure out’ or just make someone feel connected to a set of characters more because they understand what it’s like to have and want sex in or out of a relationship.

Like any kind of scene, there can still be bad sex scenes, but I’m gonna need some people to stop being weird about them

[pennylaneforthoughts]

After some thinking, a conversation with my sister-in-law with a psych degree, and a couple of sessions with my godsend of a therapist, I think I've finally put my finger on the thing about Mobius that Loki (and a lot of the fandom tbh) so quickly latched onto like a man dying of thirst at the first sign of water:

Unconditional positive regard.

This concept is at the core of client-centered psychology and basically is a stance that a therapist will take in relation to their client, where they simply accept and support their client as a person, regardless of what they do or say.

My therapist uses this framework with me, and when the Loki series came out, I immediately saw Mobius and was like "holy crap, this man has the exact same energy as Sami what???" And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why until I was talking about it with my sister-in-law and she mentioned unconditional positive regard. And then it clicked.

Mobius radiates unconditional positive regard from the minute he meets Loki in episode 1, and arguably even from the first time we even see him onscreen. He approaches everyone he interacts with using a basic framework of "I see you and care about you as a person, and nothing you do or say can change that," so we immediately get the impression that this man is soft, kind, and shaped like a friend. However, it's most obvious and pointed in his interactions with Loki.

While yes, Mobius' primary objective in episode 1 is to interrogate Loki, it's important to note that it's not an interrogation where Mobius is trying to find proof of guilt for a crime like we'd see in a typical detective procedural. Rather, Mobius is trying to see if this variant of Loki is self aware enough to be able to help him in his hunt for Sylvie. It's fundamentally a test to find out Loki's current place in his emotional and psychological development. It is not maliciously intended, and it is not designed to harm Loki. On the contrary, the intent is clearly to help Loki begin to come to terms with the reality of who he is and the choices he has made.

In fact, the whole time this is happening, Mobius very purposefully strives to foster an environment where Loki knows that A.) Mobius sees him. Truly sees and knows him. B.) Despite knowing what Loki is and what he's done, Mobius loves him and regards him positively, and C.) nothing Loki can do or say will change that positive regard.

Loki, however, is super not used to receiving unconditional positive regard. He has no idea how to respond to it. He feels like it's a trick, like there's another shoe just waiting to drop. I related to him hardcore in this scene because that's exactly how I felt when my therapist presented me with unconditional positive regard for the first time. It's confusing and strange and difficult to believe at first. Especially because it sets the stage for honest self reflection and personal growth that can be incredibly painful.

Loki is not a perfectly innocent person. He has done a lot of really bad things and hurt a lot of people in his life. He has a lot of very deep seated trauma that has informed these actions, but he still made those choices and he needs to take responsibility for them. This is not a fun process. Mobius knows this is actually a really awful, sucky process. But he also knows that change and growth requires two things: acknowledgement that a change needs to be made and the expectation that change can and will occur when properly cultivated. Mobius clearly laying out the reality of Loki's actions and who he is in the Sacred Timeline is the first part of that equation, and his unflappable, unconditional positive regard towards Loki as a person despite knowing that reality cultivates an environment for the second part to flourish.

"By definition, it is essential in any helping relationship to have an anticipation for change. In the counseling relationship, that anticipation presents as Hope—an optimism that something good and positive will develop to bring about constructive change in the client's personality. Thus, unconditional positive regard means that the therapist has and shows overall acceptance of the client by setting aside their own personal opinions and biases. The main factor in unconditional positive regard is the ability to isolate behaviors from the person who displays them." (source)

Mobius is not Loki's therapist, but he does take on a therapeutic role in Loki's life. He shows Loki that he is fully aware of all of Loki's faults and mistakes. He's seen them over and over again and knows them by heart because it's his job. And in the face of all of that he looks at Loki and says that he doesn't see him as a villain. That he likes him anyway and believes that Loki has the potential to help him and what he believes is the cause of good. (Yes the TVA is corrupt, but neither of them know that at this point, and the fact that both Mobius and Loki believe this to be the side of good to varying degrees is important here)

Mobius maintains this regard throughout the series and his subsequent interactions with Loki and when talking about Loki to Ravonna and others, and it's a big part of why Loki so quickly trusts and feels comfortable around Mobius. I know some people say it's unrealistic how fast it was, but it made a lot of sense just based on my experience. I mean, after one (1) session with my therapist, I was 100% ride or die for him, and it was kind of absurd. But the feeling of being seen like that is so potent when you're starved for it, that extreme reactions to it make a lot of sense. And if anyone's starved for unconditional positive regard, it's Loki.

Mobius is only human though, and he's not perfect at this. Over the course of the series, it's clear that Mobius has emotionally invested a lot in his Loki, and he struggles to maintain a professional distance, though he usually is able to keep his head enough to give Loki that positive regard he needs. The only time we see this regard slip is in episode 4 when Mobius is feeling betrayed and jealous. In these moments, Mobius is unable to step back from his feelings enough to get into a headspace where he can separate Loki's actions from who he is. He calls Loki an asshole and a bad friend, and it comes from a place of hurt and jealousy. It's also what drives Loki into a defensive mode we haven't seen since episode 1. He's no longer receiving that unconditional positive regard from Mobius and he feels betrayed. He worries that maybe it was all an act in the first place and Mobius never really cared for him at all. For the first time, Loki feels like Mobius doesn't see the best in him anymore and it hurts.

Mobius' unconditional positive regard was genuine, though, and this is reinforced in the subsequent scenes where we see him act on his instinctual desire to assume the best of Loki and investigate his claims. We see it again when he returns to Loki and he reaffirms both his desire to trust Loki and his belief that Loki can be "whoever, whatever he wants to be, even someone good." At this point, Loki is able to accept it and no longer pushes back against Mobius' belief in Loki's goodness and that he "has within himself vast resources for self-understanding, for altering his self-concept, attitudes, and self-directed behavior." He's grown and begun to see himself in a more realistic and positive light and it's a direct result of the time Mobius has spent cultivating that relationship based on unconditional positive regard.

That's why their relationship feels so comfortable and satisfying. Unconditional positive regard isn't only a therapy principle. It's something everyone craves in a relationship. To be seen as you are, flaws and mistakes and quirks and all is terrifying and mortifying, but when that person then just smiles and says I love you anyway because you are not your mistakes and you are not your flaws and nothing you can ever do or say can change how I feel about you, the relief and joy and comfort is more than worth the discomfort. So I think the idea that Mobius can look at someone as deeply flawed, broken, and jaded as Loki and love him exactly as he is right there and then, eyes wide open and smiling, believing that beneath it all Loki has the potential to be good, gives us hope that someone could do the same for us. I know that's what Lokius does for me, at least. Mobius represents to me the ideal of unconditional positive regard, and having an image of what that looks like in the character of Mobius gives us the opportunity to apply it to ourselves when we may not get it elsewhere in our lives. And I, for one, think that's very sexy of him.

[kalinara]

So I was rewatching “Trent Crimm: The Independent” and I definitely think the seeds for Trent leaving his job were right there.  When Ted asks him what he loves to do.

And it’s interesting that Trent seems to hesitate a second, before agreeing that yes, it’s writing.

It’s not a LONG hesitation, but it definitely meant something.  And I think he does love writing, but maybe already he was feeling like he didn’t love the rest of his job.  

I keep thinking about that scene in “Do the Right-est Thing” when Sam tells him, and everyone else, that he’s not here to talk about the loss.  He’s here to talk about something more important.  Look how ENGAGED Trent is at that point.

I don’t think Trent hates being a sports journalist.  I think his accusation to Ted in the restaurant about irresponsibility and how much the club means to this town is sincere.  But I wonder if Trent really liked the kind of journalist that he’d become.

Does he like being the guy who unleashed the media hounds on someone who was clearly overwhelmed when the point about the man’s inexperience had already been made pretty effectively?

Does he like being the man that Rebecca Welton calls in specifically to write a hit piece meant to turn the town against someone?

There is an undertone of wonder in Trent Crimm’s article, when he talks about the Lasso way.  About how in a business that celebrates ego, Ted reins his in.  Et cetera and so on.  And their dynamic after that does change.  Trent still asks difficult questions, of course, but not with the same tone.  His questions are an invitation to explain rather than an attack.

And even later, in Headspace, when Trent sees Ted in the bar.  He asks him for a quote, of course, but seems genuinely interested in Ted’s response.  And even though Ted was clearly lying, and Trent pretty obviously sees it, he doesn’t call him out.  He leaves it alone.

Like everyone else who meets Ted, Trent isn’t quite the same person he was anymore.

And then Nate Shelley comes up to him and basically commissions another hit-piece.  And unlike Rebecca, he brought the ammunition himself.  And Trent publishes it, because he feels like he has to, and then, he doesn’t just quit.  He basically burns all of his bridges in the process.

I kind of think the Trent Crimm of the pilot/Biscuits wouldn’t have cared about the article.  He’d have written it, published it, and not lost a moment of sleep over it.  I don’t think it was the first one he wrote.  Rebecca chose him for a reason.  And while Roy is Roy, I think the “colossal prick” comment probably had some justification.

But Ted asks Trent what he loves, and I think Trent realized then what he DIDN’T love and that set the dominos in motion.  It’ll be fascinating to see what he does in season 3.

[st4rlabsforever]

post-episode 3 fix-it

words: 2.9k

notes: i started a long fic based on this post after watching ep 3. i cannibalized some snippets from another fic i wrote last week so if you see similar scenes, that’s why. i think this will end up being 12-15k words endgame sambucky by the end, but i refuse to post on ao3 until it’s complete. this is the first 3 scenes. feel free to comment and message me your thoughts since i’m still very much in the writing phase :)

summary: “It’s the kind of statement that should be screamed into Bucky’s face, but he’s learning that when Sam’s angry – when he’s truly angry – he’s just as soft-spoken as he is when he’s in one of his pensive moods. And he lets his anger build and build and build until it bursts in spectacular fashion.”

“I didn’t back Steve on the Sokovia Accords,” Sam says unprompted one day. They’re so close to apprehending the Flagsmashers and wrapping up this ridiculous saga.

“I don’t follow,” Bucky says.

“I was the one who refused to sign it first. Not Steve.”

Sam says it so softly that Bucky has to strain to hear him. Sam is loud and chatty and half the time he keeps up a constant stream of chatter just to get on Bucky’s nerves, but Bucky’s coming to realize that when he really wants to make himself heard, he’s soft spoken and mild. Bucky doesn’t entirely follow his train of thought, though.

The thing is, Sam is unreadable when it really matters. He offers words of comfort where needed – in Germany, after seeing Walker with the shield that wasn’t his, knowing that it had affected Bucky just as much as himself; in Madripoor, Bucky’s hand on the throat of some henchman or other, Sam’s hand on his when the Soldier’s memories threatened to overtake him; even in Riga, when Bucky’s guilt over releasing T’Chaka’s killer bubbled to the surface and Sam had checked in with him even though he couldn’t have possibly known about Bucky’s meeting with Ayo. Sam speaks with his eyes, always a searching look that leaves Bucky raw and feeling like he’s been x-rayed. I see you, is what those eyes say.

In contrast, Bucky’s words of comfort feel hollow. He knows that Isaiah is still a live wire for Sam, checks in with him after Madripoor when he can tell the conversation with Nagel weighs heavy on his mind. But he doesn’t see the way Sam does. He knows he’d missed something important because that conversation had ended in an argument and a threat from Sam to destroy the shield.

He never gets a chance to ask Sam what he’s getting at, because Torres signals to them that they’re at the drop point before all hell breaks loose.

***

In the end, after Karli and the Power Broker and whoever else decides to show their head from the emporium of supervillains are dealt with and they finally have a moment of peace, Bucky says, “The shield looks good on you.”

Sam freezes a few paces ahead of Bucky, the shield strapped loosely to his wrist.

“We make a good team,” Bucky says softly.

What he doesn’t expect is for Sam to whirl around suddenly. The look of barely restrained fury is enough to nearly knock Bucky off he’s feet. They fight without ever really fighting all the time, squabbles over who went left and who went right and who was supposed to lead and who was supposed to follow, but never has he seen Sam look like this before. The fury verges on hurt and it’s so fucking visceral that Bucky can barely breathe.

“You don’t get to say that,” Sam says quietly. His voice shakes and he closes his eyes like he’s steadying himself.

“I said I’d squash it until the mission was over, and I did. But you know what? I’m not doing this anymore.”

“Sam–”

“You don’t get to tell me what a good team is. Not after all the shit we just went through. You invited yourself to Munich, and I thought, ‘Fine. I could use the extra set of hands.’ We went through it together against Thanos and I respected that.”

Sam shakes his head. “But then you went off on some lone wolf woe-is-me bullshit, and look at where it got us. You broke Zemo out without even asking if I was down with that. You knew I wasn’t and you forced my hand. Now I’m an accomplice.”

“He was our only lead–”

“Bullshit. That field trip to Madripoor led us right back to Karli. Torres ended up tracking them to Riga anyway.”

“But the Power Broker–”

“–showed his ugly face in the end. All we got out of Madripoor was you digging up your trauma and us getting our faces plastered all over the internet. I promised Sharon one goddamn thing and I can’t even deliver on that now.”

“But I went along with it, fine,” Sam continues. “I knew it couldn’t have been easy reaching back into that headspace, doing what you did to Selby’s men.” The memory blindsides Bucky. “So I tabled it.” Sam taps out a tally with his fingers. 

“And back in Baltimore, you’d been too keyed up about Steve being wrong about you to even listen to what I had to say. Again, I tabled it.” Another tally. 

“I’ve been meeting you halfway this entire time, man, and I’ve gotten near nothing in return. You kept Isaiah a secret from me, and at first I thought you were just clueless about how damn significant it would’ve been for me to know about him.” Sam shakes his head. 

“But then we met him. You saw what they did to him. The one Black supersoldier – a fucking hero – and look what they did to him. You saw it with your own eyes and you still sat there and lectured me about what you thought I should’ve done with that goddamn shield.” 

“There’s precedent for it, you know,” Sam says. It takes Bucky a moment to realize Sam is expecting an answer.

Bucky doesn’t know, is the thing. He feels like he’s all of five years old again, put on the spot. He’s reminded of when Zemo just had to let him know about the African American experience; he’d felt chastised and embarrassed enough to pretend like he’d had any clue what themes lurked in Marvin Gaye’s work. Sam just searches him with those eyes, searches Bucky for something yet unfathomable and decides he hasn’t found it. That hurts more than anything else; Bucky wishes he could sink into the ground, make himself as small as possible. Sam doesn’t notice, or else doesn’t care, and just plows on with a scoff. 

“You don’t even know the true history of the country you’re living in. Figures.” He shakes his head. “You’re not ever going to be able to separate the shield from the history Black folks have endured at the hands of this country. Not now, not ever.”

Sam doesn’t even look angry anymore. Angry, Bucky can deal with. It would be a relief, even. 

Instead, Sam looks at him with a disappointment that somehow surpasses what Steve could have ever accomplished.

“Whatever. I tabled that, too,” Sam says. “And then after Madripoor, after we heard that doctor go on and on about Isaiah’s blood like he wasn’t even a real human-being? I said my piece and all you did was throw that shield bullshit back in my face.”

“Sam–” Bucky tries again. He’s mortified to hear the crack in his own voice.

“It’s honestly breathtaking,” Sam says with something that might be akin to genuine wonder, or maybe even morbid curiosity in his voice. “We saw the same things in Baltimore and Madripoor, but your head was so far up your own ass that you never once stopped to think all of it was just proof to me. That the shield in the hands of a Black man wouldn’t make any damn sense.”

It’s the kind of statement that should be screamed into Bucky’s face, but he’s learning that when Sam’s angry – when he’s truly angry – he’s just as soft-spoken as he is when he’s in one of his pensive moods. And he lets his anger build and build and build until it bursts in spectacular fashion.

Sam’s not even done yet. “And that’s another thing. Stealing the shield from Walker…” Sam rolls his eyes at the memory. “You want to run around with that giant frisbee, fine. That’s your business. But then you forced it on me–”

“That’s not fair,” Bucky says immediately. Desperately. “You didn’t have to accept it.”

“The whole damn country was watching,” Sam says hotly. “It was either accept it, or shit all over Steve fucking Rogers’s legacy and make myself into the villain half the country was already hoping I’d turn out to be.”

“You were dead wrong for that,” Sam says. “I stuck around until we took down Karli because it was the right thing to do. After Munich, though, this little adventure was all you. Zemo, Madripoor, the shield.”

Sam shoves the shield into Bucky’s arms, the impact so sudden that it forces him back a step.

“Since you’re so obsessed with this thing, it’s yours. Congrats,” Sam says sarcastically. “I’m sure you’ll do it proud.”

Bucky lets out a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding.

“For what it’s worth,” Sam says, “Steve might not have understood everything about me. But in Vienna, when it came time to sign the accords? He was considering it. I put my foot down first and he listened.”

Sam shrugs. “Whatever you thought we were, it's not a team.”

Bucky knows where to drive the knife in to kill a man in as few twists of the wrist as possible – a brutal economy of movement and technique. But Sam...it pales in comparison to what Sam’s capable of. His weapons aren’t knives and his targets may not be made of flesh and blood, but he knows exactly where he needs to strike to rip Bucky open raw. Bucky feels like he’s been flayed alive.

“How about that long vacation?” Sam says, and claps Bucky on the shoulder. 

And we’ll never have to see each other ever again goes unsaid.

Fuck.

***

The thing about ignoring Sam’s texts was that Bucky responded if they were actually important. It just so happened that most of the nonsense Sam sent was inane prattling about his day, about his job, his sister, his nephews. Now that he’s on the receiving end of it, though, it feels awful.

3/25/21, 2:58 AM

I’m sorry.

Delivered

3/28/21, 1:51 AM

Can we talk?

Delivered

3/31/21, 3:05 AM

Let me know what to do and I’ll do it.

Read 3:34 AM

4/1/21, 12:42 AM

Or if there’s anything you need.

Read 1:05 AM

Yesterday, 1:00 AM

I’m available if you need another body for a mission.

Read 1:02 AM

A week into the admittedly one-sided exchange, Sam turns his damn read receipts on. It’s ridiculous and it’s fucking asinine and it gets under Bucky’s skin immediately. It’s a form of twenty-first century psychological warfare that he’s unfamiliar with and already can’t stand. Mainly, he hates that it makes him seem desperate (he’s not), needy (he might be, especially when he realizes with horror that he actually misses Sam’s rambling texts), and ridiculous (he definitely is, because he’s letting petty mind games get to him).

Normally, Sam would send him nearly daily updates on his comings and goings – whether he’d been in New York, D.C., or New Orleans. The radio silence is unsettling. Bucky wonders if Sam made good on his promise to take a long vacation. And then....

The thing about apologies is that Bucky isn’t sure he’s ever done a proper one in his entire life, at least nothing beyond a rote “I’m sorry” with the “let’s move on” part left unspoken. But it stands to reason, Bucky thinks, that a proper apology can’t be given if he’s not completely certain what he’s dealing with. That’s all well and good because he’s got the world at the tips of his fingers, is what Yori always said. And when he grows frustrated with reading on his tiny phone screen, the New York Public Library is only a train ride away.

Sam had mentioned precedent, so Bucky’s first search is for medical experimentation. He knows for a fact he was good at this once, a memory of Steve whining about him being too good at exams coming up unbidden. He reads voraciously. Anything and everything that might offer a clue on what he’d missed. And it doesn’t take long for him to find what he’s looking for. 

He reads with dawning horror. The Tuskegee syphilis experiments. Eugenics. God, the fucking Nazis had even modeled their race science on the American school of thought. The things that the history books left out. Some of it was even happening under his nose in the 30s, he’d just been blissfully unaware. He somehow ends up down a rabbit hole where words like `prison industrial complex’ and `school-to-prison pipeline’ make increasingly more persistent appearances. New Jim Crow. COINTELPRO. War on drugs. The way all of these horrors reached their long arms into the twenty-first century.

Bucky’s going to be sick. The memories come up one after another.

Just give him your ID so we can leave.

You think you can wake up one day and decide who you want to be? It doesn’t work like that. Well, maybe it does for folks like you.

So you’re telling me that there was a Black supersoldier decades ago and nobody knew about it.

This is what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to come here in your over-extended life and tell me about my rights.

The shield wasn’t yours to give away.

He spends the next week in his downtime reading. With the mission being over and his parole in jeopardy, his downtime mostly coincides with every day of the week.

Had Steve known?

No, he thinks. Steve was compassionate, but he wouldn’t have known because he’d taken one look at the problems of twenty-first century America and decided he’d had enough. Then he’d ran back to the 40s to live out some fantasy that simply didn’t – couldn’t – exist anymore. Had he eventually become aware of all the issues plaguing this country that they’d been able to ignore as starry-eyed kids in Brooklyn? Bucky hopes not, because that would mean he’d...no. 

A part of Bucky thinks he’s so surprised because he’d thought things – race relations, civil rights, not things, his brain amends – had been getting better in the 40s. Deep down, though, he knows that’s a lie. A 2 AM read through Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States confirms it. Shady politicians. Klansmen who went back to their day jobs as cops, judges, firefighters. Mass incarceration taking its place as the new king on the throne of segregation. Evidently, 

There had been plenty of folks – white folks – raising an uproar about these hidden horrors back then. The seeds of those movements had even been there in the 30s. Bucky tells himself that he’d been raised during the Great Depression, that his family had been too focused on putting food on the table to focus on social movements, but that, too, ends up being a lie. The poorest and working class whites – some, at least – in movement and solidarity with civil rights. Not him, though. Apparently he’d had his head up his ass back then, too.

Bucky can see the bigger picture a tiny bit more clearly, now. 

Fine. So he’s been disarmed of the little lies he’d used as shields, and he also owes Sam one hell of an apology.

Somehow, he doesn’t think “I’m sorry, I was ignorant then but I read some books and now I know better” is going to cut it. Maybe a commitment to do better would work? Perhaps after Baltimore, but not now. That ship had long since sailed. Some grand act of service, then? He’s sure he can think of something Sam needs in this post-Blip world that he can provide. He vaguely remembers Sarah mentioning something about a ship and bank loan. That could be a starting point.

It doesn’t take much time to find the public records on the Wilson family business and then the not-so-public records on the denied bank loan. It wouldn’t take much for him to pry a little, not when seedy bankers were astonishingly amenable to the threat of violence. But he’s reminded of Zemo and figures that he ought not to do anything so drastic that could jeopardize Sam’s family situation further.

He snorts. Did growth that came several months late still count?

In the end, he decides to rip the bandage off quickly, which is how he finds himself in the sticky Louisiana heat with his hands shoved deep into his pockets, staring back at an incredulous Sam through his open door.

“I did some reading recently,” Bucky says. 

“Hmm.”

It’s not outright refusal, so Bucky continues.

“About, um, the things you mentioned last time. Precedent.”

“Huh.”

For someone who’s normally so expressive with his language, Sam’s one-word answers as nerve-wracking as anything.

“I didn’t fully appreciate the situation that you were in. That you’re still in,” Bucky amends.

Sam shrugs. “It’s cool,” he says in a way that doesn’t sound like he really believes it. Bucky wonders if this is a test; he feels just as lost as he did on that plane a week ago.

“Let’s do this outside,” Sam says, closing the door behind him and ushering Bucky away from it. “Walk with me.” 

They head down to the pier mostly in silence until Bucky breaks it. “I’m sorry for making it all about me,” he says.

Sam stares at him. It’s true Bucky might stare a little too much on occasion, but Sam’s stares are utterly unnerving in the way he seems to see right through Bucky when he really wants to, like he’s already mapped out all there is to know.