#i thought it was about sociophobia and anxiety

[lazylama9]

Random fact: one of my favourite songs was really personal for me, but then turned out that it was completely about something else...

[whumpmatsus]

Matsus biggest fears?

aaaaaa this was fun to think about, I hope you enjoy~

Jyushi’s was hard for me to write and think about because I think I have the same fear, I HATE silence 😂😂😂

💚 CHOROMATSU 💚

Atychiphobia ― the fear of failure.

A perfectionist to his core with a noticeable amount of anxiety, what he’s afraid of more than anything is to fail. At anything. It could be something small like forgetting something at the grocery store or something big like tanking an interview. It doesn’t matter if the consequences are significant or not. It’s the simple act of failure that puts a knot in his stomach.

The very thought that he’s made a mistake or done something incorrectly gnaws at him. It kicks his anxiety into a panic of what if. What if he failed at something small, and so there’s no chance he can make it if something bigger is thrown at him? What if he failed at something more serious and he’s screwed up big-time? What if he’ll never be able to handle anything ever?

The worst part of it is that it keeps him from taking chances. If he can’t do anything without mistakes, to some arbitrary standard that’s ‘good enough’, then he might as well not even try, right? He’s so terrified of messing up, he can’t take it if whatever he tries isn’t perfect… if he doesn’t do it, he can’t fail! It limits him even in things he genuinely wants to do. If he isn’t good or perfect right away, to him, there’s no sense continuing, and it’s a very sad, frustrating way to live.

💜 ICHIMATSU 💜

Sociophobia ― the fear of socializing.

It’s a persistent, nagging thought in the back of his head, the cornerstone of his experience with social anxiety disorder that makes him borderline terrified of other people. There are times it can disappear in short bursts, and it’s almost completely absent with his brothers. But aside from that, he’s so scared he’s going to be judged, more than anything. That’s the worst thing he can think of.

Even if no one is judging him, he feels like they are. He’s trash, he’s strange, he’s saying or doing something wrong. How is he supposed to know how to act? Can’t he just be normal? He remembers he could act normal in high school; how come that changed? Why can’t he just do that anymore? Shit, he knows everyone is looking at him and thinking what a fucking weirdo he is.

Similarly to Choromatsu, this fear limits Ichimatsu in living his life. It’s too bad, because if he were to show his true self but also being as social as he was in high school, he would probably have some great friends aside from his brothers. He thinks all his dry wit is just stupid jokes that nobody likes, he thinks people are going to be laughing at him or making fun of him, he thinks he’ll end up awkward in a corner. So he doesn’t go to parties, and he doesn’t talk to people more than he needs to. Sometimes it’s a struggle for him to buy something at the store because small talk with the cashier will make him anxious.

💛 JYUSHIMATSU 💛

Sedatephobia ― the fear of silence and stillness.

It’s not that he has any trouble with the dark or sleeping or relaxing… it’s that he gets anxious when there’s absolutely no noise or movement at all. Being in a place where it’s too quiet, he’s by himself and nothing is going on, is scarier than anything. His own thoughts try to take over, but they take over too much. He starts to hear things that might not be there, and soon enough he’s panicking because he doesn’t know what’s real anymore.

There’s nothing that unsettles him more than perfect silence and perfect stillness. Left with his thoughts, it could well and truly drive him insane. Is he hearing something…? If he is, then what is it? Because there shouldn’t be anything making sounds. The discomfort comes from expecting to hear something, hearing nothing, then suddenly hearing something, and not knowing if it’s real or if his brain is trying to fill in the quiet with its own background noise.

It’s the main reason he hates sleeping alone. Even though there’s no TV or music going in the bedroom (unless Osomatsu and Totty are fucking around on their phones), at least if he’s with someone else, they’re there. They move around a bit and he can hear their breathing and if he gets desperate he can wake them up to talk until they all drift off to sleep. If he’s alone… well… all he has is himself. Sometimes that’s okay, sometimes he can soothe himself by talking or humming… other times, even his own voice seems swallowed up by the silence, and it sends him into a full-blown anxiety attack.

💙 KARAMATSU 💙

Kakorraphiophobia ― the fear of rejection.

Because deep, deep down, he knows he’s not good enough for anyone, and yet it still hurts more than any other pain. All he’s ever wanted is to be truly accepted and loved by someone. His family loves him, and he knows that. It’s just… he wishes that someone outside them would also take him as he is, love them back just as he loves them. Knowing that he’s doomed to be rejected, paralyzes him with fear.

He settles for people, and he settles hard, because… if he doesn’t… then he’s just going to keep being turned down. No one will ever put up with him if he doesn’t overlook their flaws too. Even if their flaws happen to be that they treat him terribly, they still love him, right? He can’t bear the idea that someone he’s been with for a while might decide to dump him due to him not being a doormat anymore. So it’s… it’s fine, they can be as awful as they want, as long as they keep loving him.

He’s a mess when it comes to any little hint that he’s being rejected, not just during the initial stages of a relationship. Being blown off for a date, being shut down or ignored when he tries to talk to them, being shoved away when he goes in for a hug or kiss… it hurts so bad. All he really wants to do is love and be loved. It makes him think there’s something fundamentally wrong with him that he doesn’t deserve love of any kind. Even though he feels like that’s true, it’s still so painful he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

❤️ OSOMATSU ❤️

Autophobia/monophobia ― the fear of being alone.

It shouldn’t be so hard to be one’s own best friend, should it? But after spending his life with five brothers, not having anyone around has become too hard to take. When he’s alone, it swallows him up, pressing in around him and reminding him that it’s a glimpse of the future. An empty house, an empty futon, a dinner table set for one… even when he’s around other people he doesn’t know. He feels lonely even in a crowd sometimes, like something’s missing from him because he’s by himself.

That’s unhealthy enough, and it comes with the side effect of dissociation. Who is he if he’s not with his brothers? If he can’t just say he’s ‘the oldest one’, then what is he?? He becomes so unattached from the concept of himself, it’s hard to even list his traits when he’s not with anyone else. It’s like he’s looking at someone else, at times, trying to figure out who they are when that’s him. Being alone, feeling lonely, it eats away until there’s nothing left of him, or maybe there was never really anything there in the first place.

It’s crippled his ability to deal with any situation where he’s by himself. If even one of his brothers is still there, he’s okay! He’s still Osomatsu, he knows who he is and how to exist and how to act. Take all of them away, though, and he’s impossibly afraid of being alone. For being the oldest, he clings to all his little brothers like they define his identity. He doesn’t know how to be without them, when it’s just him. It didn’t used to be like this, did it? This is how it’s become, though. He’s terrified because he knows this isn’t a good thing, but he doesn’t know how to exist any other way.

💖 TOTTY 💖

Athazagoraphobia ― the fear of being ignored or forgotten.

It’s that crushing pressure of being the youngest of six boys, often being a tacked-on, “Don’t forget your little brother!” rather than being around because they want him to be. He was always so clingy and needy and such a crybaby, he tried to follow his brothers around so they would give him attention. He wasn’t going to get it any other way, was he? If he didn’t force himself into their lives, they would have forgotten all about their poor baby brother. He hates it. He hates it, he hates it, he hates it.

Because, it’s not like he hasn’t been forgotten or ignored before. Sometimes in high school, he would have to run until he could barely breathe to catch up with one of his brothers because they forgot they were supposed to walk him home, or worse, they didn’t want to be seen with him. He would tug at their sleeves and whine for his nii-chans, and they would pretend like they didn’t even hear him… or maybe give him a condescending pat on the head to placate him. Well, he knows better than to seek attention from them anymore, doesn’t he? They don’t care. They’d rather just forget about him.

It still stings, though. Whenever they’re all going out somewhere, and they ask him as an afterthought if maybe he wants to come. Like they didn’t plan to invite him except that it popped into their heads at the last minute. Or if he’s on a date and the other person asks him to repeat himself, like they weren’t listening the first time. If they seem to be looking at someone else or being too friendly with a server. It’s manifested as a glaring insecurity and petty jealousy that, although he tries to control it, he doesn’t know how to make it go away. It’s… it’s not that he doesn’t deserve love, right…?

[moiloru]

😶Komi Can't Communicate Review!😶

Hello again, everyone! Welcome to a new anime review! Today, I'll be talking about Komi Can't Communicate, one very wholesome anime!

Before anything, I'd like to gift this review to my friend @meekymia, who recommends pretty much every anime I watch, and to whom this anime means a lot.

So, Komi Can't Communicate is a (sort of) romcom, even if the comedy aspects are way more obvious than the romance ones. So far, this Netflix exclusive has two seasons of twelve episodes each, with S1 having aired in 2021, so very recently.

When I first read the summary of this anime's plot, I thought this was going to be a lot like the movie A Silent Voice, given the focus on the main character's communication struggles. However, and to my surprise, this anime is much more lighthearted and funny.

Anime, much like TV, movies, newspapers, or social media, is a great medium to raise awareness about a specific cause. Here, Komi Can't Communicate shows the struggle of someone suffering from sociophobia, AKA extreme social anxiety.

What this anime does extremely well is raising awareness without being difficult to watch. It won't make you feel bad, but rather make you sympathize by showing you how you can help someone who's struggling with sociophobia, which I think is awesome!

Now, this anime barely has any plot, let's be honest. Komi, the title character, has one goal, and the anime is a succession of slice-of-life scenes showing her working towards accomplishing said goal. It's not much in terms of plot, but it's still good.

Still, it has a few powerful moments, and I was caught off-guard by the very first episode which had me tear up! I do slightly regret that there were not many more emotional scenes, but maybe that's for the future.

I personally preferred the first season because I thought it had more moments that actually made the plot progress. Season Two has a few more filler scenes, which are good, but not great. Still, these are still few and far between.

The cast of characters is really good in this anime. The main trio is a joy to watch, and the side characters all bring something that will make you smile. They're not good characters on their own, but they just fit into the story.

Character development only concerns the main character in this anime, but it's done well. This anime's main strength, though, is the dynamics between the characters, which are purely wholesome and hilarious. It'll, without a doubt, put a smile on your face.

This anime also has nice music, and a very homey ambiance, if that makes sense. You just feel comfortable watching it and it will put you at ease. Both openings are great, too.

Visually, this anime has a stunning style. It fits perfectly with the story, and it's gorgeous to look at. In particular, the character design is beautiful and super cute.

Overall... this anime, even if it has flaws, means a lot to me, too. I recommend you watch it, if only to understand a little more what some people might be struggling with in their lives. It's wholesome, and I cannot wait for a third season.

Down below is the tierlist for the characters in this anime! Thank you for reading this review!

[marauders-tales]

Always

Warning: Toxic, abusive father/husband, alcohol, depression, mental illness

Characters: Eileen Prince, Severus Snape, Tobias Snape

The dark room was filled with a strong scent of yesterday’s alcohol, it seemed to be so old and settled that the open window letting in cold air couldn’t save the house from the smell.

She opened her eyes and for a moment she felt like it was a new day, like it was possible to get up, stretch, open the window and smile to the sun, but after a few seconds, a bad feeling started to fill her insides. Now she finally remembered yesterday and her face started to hurt again. She tried to open her mouth to check if she still could. Fortunately, she did, but her jaw felt like it was bruised.  

Getting up, with her long dark grey robes sliding over the floor, she saw a man lying on the couch next to the bed. He was snoring and the origin of the horrible smell seemed to be obvious now. A hit of anxiety filled her chest suddenly, it always happened when she saw him, or when somebody even mentioned him. Praying for him not to wake up, she tiptoed out of the room. The old floor was squeaking under every step of hers and her heart started to beat faster, sweat hit her front head, but he didn’t seem to be waking up so easily.  

She entered the bathroom, taking a look in the mirror. She was right, her face was bruised again, and it felt like she could still feel his fist on her jaw. The black eye he gave her last week wasn’t completely healed either, so she decided she couldn’t show her face to her son like that. Already prepared, she took a little jar out of the shelf next to the mirror, opened it, a greenish smoke came out of it and the smell of herbs hit her nose. The creme that she cooked herself, was healing her bruises quite well, it helped to hide them.

“He will still now, he always does.” She thought, asking herself why she was even trying. Their awful relationship was obvious to everybody by now.  

After getting dressed in the living room, where she always kept her clothes, knowing she might have to leave the bedroom as soon as possible in the morning, she went to take a look at her son. His tiny room was dark, like the whole house, the walls painted grey, rests of food from a few days ago still on the little bedside drawer. He always ate in his room to avoid his father as much as possible. He usually managed to escape him, unless Tobias came home drunk, looking for a fight. Then he would call his son to the living room, starting to provoke him crying, telling him that he’s worth nothing, that he’s stupid and nobody wants him alive, until finally Severus started to cry and his dad would beat him for being weak and a coward. Every time she tried to protect her son, Tobias gave her a new bruise. Just like the day before.

“Mother...” the boy started to wake up opening his eyes. She went straight to him.  

“Good morning, little Prince.” She always called him that, she thought it would maybe make him feel special. Special and hers. “Show me your back.” She pulled up his pyjama sweater to take a look at the marks on his back. This time they seemed worse than ever. Tobias hit him with a belt, over and over again. Her eyes filled with tears, but she hid them quite well, she always did. “It’s not so bad.” She smiled at him.

“I’m alright, just had to sleep on my belly.” He replied. He always was a courageous boy, he hated showing his pain. He was just like her.  

“It’s going to be a special summer, you will soon go to Hogwarts, your letter came eyesterday, you will need a lot of new things. I’ve been saving up a bit.” She added in a whisper. “Get dressed.” She said quickly as the snoring in the bedroom silenced. “You will have to go alone, I’m sorry.” 

She hasn’t been outside for 6 years now. It started with not wanting the neighbors to notice her wound, then it transformed into a sociophobia, she forgot how to talk to strangers, how to look them in the eyes. Now it turned into a routine. She has been told so often that she was horrible, that she should be hidded behind four walls and that she doesn’t mean anything to the world, that she started to believe in it. Only thinking about going out the door gave her panic attacks, she immediately started gasping for air and feeling dizzy. Now she had to send her son to his brand new world all alone, because she wasn’t physically capable of helping him out.

“Mother. I don’t want to go to Hogwarts. I want to stay with you. Besides, he will never let me.” Severus never called his father “dad”, he has always been just “he”. “Why don’t we run away, together? You’re a witch, an amazing witch, we can hide. He will never find us.”

She forced a smile. “You will go to Hogwarts, believe me, I will make sure of it. I’ll talk to your father when he’s sobered up. He’s not a bad man, he just drinks a lot. He’s not that bad when he doesn’t. He loves you.” She said it in a cold voice, but she didn’t even believe in her words herself. She leaned towards him. “We have to stay, you will be a great wizard. You will change the world, I know that, I can see the powers in you. You won’t be like me, cooking potions is the only thing I’m capable of, that’s all. I would never be able to keep you safe, your father broke my wand, I’m weak, little Prince. But you won’t be. That’s why we have to stay, I’m going to put all of my hopes on you, one day, you will understand that I’m doing this because I love you. And I will, always.” She added leaving the room.

Severus was seating on his bed, wiping a tear after another. “Then kill him!” he thought. “I hope he dies.” He felt anger rising in him, so he put his head under the pillow and screamed as loud as he could. He always did whenever he didn’t feel in control of his emotions. He heard his father’s voice in the next room. “Why you’re up so early, if you wake me up again, I swear I’m going to break your nose this time.”  

He got dressed and jumped out of the little window in his room. He knew that the sight of him would only anger his father, it would only create problems for his mom.

Sometimes, when things were bad at home, he left for a few days, without eating, without changing, sleeping in the woods. Now summer was coming and it would get easier to hide.  No one seemed to care whenever he was gone. His mother was glad that he doesn’t annoy his father with his presence, after a few days, he would show up and she will pretend not to notice that he was gone. Because in the end of the day, it is better for everyone with him being gone, always.

[zu-is-here]

Hi Zu!

At home, do you put on slippers and/or socks, or do you prefer your feet bare?

Sounds like some amazing experience! Cross-stitch is such a classic yet lovely hobby, and weaving on a loom? Wow. That surprised me. Now I'm even happier I came up with this question. After all, you never know what treasure awaits around the next corner! That's a part of why I started the whole thing, so many stories to share, getting to know each other and the world surrounding us better ✨ And yes, I like knitting! Never tried anything complex, at least not yet, but the snood scarves I knit are quite big and take lots of time. I absolutely adore the seed stitch, because it's a bit tricky and therefore allows me to focus all my attention on knitting, easing my anxiety and tuning out the bad thoughts. Besides, the result is warm and comfy!

No secret there, just more sad stories, I guess. Going out has been stressful as long as I can remember, the destination isn't important. If it begins in certain time, then there's always constant worrying about being late (and almost always blaming it on me, since I don't get ready fast enough), if it's not, there's always a bunch of other things that can and will go wrong. It was as good as I could get when adults at least didn't start yelling at each other and at me. I was around ten when I was allowed to go outside alone (not too far though), but at that point I didn't want it anymore, and at those rare occasions when I did, it felt wrong and made me extremely anxious. Like I'm asking for more trouble or something, I don't know. It's hard to explain even to myself sometimes. It's better now though, I did some great work to deal with my sociophobia, but it's still there, as well as many other bad things. For example, it's easier for me to go somewhere with a certain goal (like buy groceries or learn Chinese, I'm mostly okay with that), or with a good company, someone I feel comfortable around. When going somewhere isn't necessary and I'm doing it alone? That's bad. My anxiety skyrockets. Still can't let myself to just relax, as sad as it is. I... kind of know I deserve it, anyone deserves it and that anyone includes me, but... It isn't as rational as I'd like it to be.

I mean, I did have someone to play with, it wasn't absolutely lonely, but someone actually close? No, and I was very little when I started seeing the difference. But now I'm really not alone, and even my past loneliness brought me some good, that's what matters 🌻

That does sound interesting and resonates with me a lot! I like this idea, thanks to Gayfish for sharing it and you for pointing it out to me! And I still don't know what to make of Broomie!Papyrus, but I don't push myself. It comes when it comes, and that time will be the right time.

Thank you so much for supporting me, and for not letting me drown in the self-loathing. Of course, writing doesn't bring misery only, there's a lot of joy as well. And I do love my ideas and characters, the problem here is words that I have no idea how to bring together. I know there are times when I need to show and there are times when I need to tell, I know dialogues should tell a lot about the characters speaking, I know about scenes and conflicts, I know how to change the pace, I know so many things, but do I ever use them? Hell if I know. And it's frustrating, so frustrating it gets under my skin all the time. I can proofread and/or analyse any writing but my own, and it's the worst. The opposite is happening with poetry, it's exciting for me to not know what I'm doing, just following my heart. My poems aren't the best, there's no rhythm whatsoever, but here I manage to make the words sound and resonate. That's what matters. And it's nice to know you had a similar experience with your wonderful Lodestar ✨ (Also I absolutely love getting to know these little facts and details about the process, it's the best!) What an independent person you are, being your own reference sourse! (x It seems to work very well, no denying that. That, and you're very talented and hard working. A perfect combination! And yeas, there are a few. Sometimes I use sites that count the syllables in every line of the poem (especially when the poem is long, like my Звёздное), and I know there are sites that help you find rhymes. That's all that I know of.

I do! Or, well, I try (x It's not a list in the end of the day, but more like pointing things out whenever they happen. And there's a lot to thank yourself for when you're suffering from depression. I try to tell what a great hero I am to myself. Sometimes it's hard to believe it at all, but I don't give up this line of thinking. It really helps to value myself more, and to never, ever invalidate others as well. What makes me a hero to myself, makes others heroes to themselves, too. Maybe the measure is different, because what's easy for one is hard for another, but the fact still stays the same. Good is good, there is no competition. So, yes, I do use the gratitude practice — and so much more 🌻

By the way, just saw the newest drawing, and oh, it's breathtakingly beautiful. I especially love how Killer's soul looks like another rose. Just as delicate, isn't it? ✨

Take care! *hugs*

Hi anfie╰(*´︶`*)╯

Sorry for the late reply without warning, and thank you so much for waiting ♡

I usually wear slippers at home, if not forgetting about them at all xd And warm socks come in handy in winter when the floor is pretty cold brrr— What about you? *^*

You're right! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) We can discovery so many new and common things about each other, thank you for that <3 As they say, to mix business with pleasure heheh! Good luck with knitting ☆

Oh, I do feel you ("ó_ò) And it's not your fault, never has been. I'd even say this is fear not of society you join but of parents you leave. Like you said, to be somewhere without a reason is like... an impermissible liberty? What comes from childhood is hard to overcome but you're doing great, and you will, hope one day you can let go of this to be free ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

That's it <3 And good luck with the idea! *^*

Hmm, this gave me a thought (not original one at all xd), did you give your work(s) to other writers to review as well? An impartial look, though harsher, is more objective after all (òwó) At least you can try to follow your heart in prose that doesn't even need rhyme so you can find the right words, can't you? And thanks a lot again! (〃ω〃) These ones do sound like pretty handy things~

You are a great hero ★ Keep up the good work!!

Awww thank you so much! Hope it is (๑>◡<๑)

Take care *hugs* ♡

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

I’m doing a rare bit of work in An AU, the only one I’m probably ever going to write for Dove et al. (The How Long is Forever AU, wherein the Titans are disbanded by the time Dove gets to Earth, so she ends up in high school? I didn’t mean to write The Meta In High School Trope, but it sure happened.)

So anyways, I was reading through it, and mind you, a lot of these scenes were written Before I Knew Dove’s Struggles Had a Clinical Name. (Social anxiety, sociophobia, and c-PTSD, most prominently.)

So I’m reading this, and I realize...

Well, first of all, Murakami High clearly has a dress code, and it’s usually Expensive Private Schools that have a UNIFORM dress code. So I’m debating whether that should be the school Dove ends up in. I mean, I never intended her to meet Tara except in passing, so it wouldn’t change the story so much if I shifted it around...

(Because private schools require a lot of money, right? Probably a lot of documentation? But I’ve always had the impression that, being a tighter-knit faculty, they’re under Less Scrutiny from the higher-ups, so maybe it would be easier to sneak a kid with no social security number into a private institution than a public system. Then again? More kids in public school might mean less fact-checking... decisions, decisions.)

But knowing the current state of the educational system and lawmakers’ stances on mental health (or lack thereof), I don’t think it would make a difference what school she attends. Regarding this line of thought, anyways.

Ultimately, I think her mental health struggles wouldn’t result in any accommodations. I sure didn’t get any help, despite having a diagnosis and seeking aid countless times. Granted, I attended Regular State-Funded Public School, but I feel like private schools would be a lot more strict on the “Suck it up and do better” mindset.

(She does wind up going to the guidance councilor anyways, because she struggles in some classes from the get-go, and DDD in this verse goes sideways a lot faster. She can’t cling to desperate hopeful denial, and... tries to do something that gets her assigned an AWFUL lot of counseling, let’s put it that way.)

But before all that happens, she doesn’t know what’s going on in the slightest. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She doesn’t know how classes work, how schooling works, why she can’t stay in the media center for an hour after study hall ends, what truancy is, any of that Basic Stuff. 

She has trouble focusing, she’s easily overwhelmed and overstimulated, not to mention she has the eternal inner struggle going on re: Growing Powers that she has Absolute No Idea How To Control. It’s not a learning disability, per say, but her social anxiety makes it very hard for her to perform well in the classroom. 

(Luckily one teacher does notice that she’s struggling, and inquires JUST deeply enough to understand that Dove didn’t grow up with an institutional education. So she has her stay for a bit after school and gives her some tips.)

But beyond individual teachers going above and beyond, for the most part, Dove’s struggle is lost in the shuffle. Even though she’s clearly Anxious, for one thing, she’s very good at hiding it, and for another, none of the adults take the time to get Dove an evaluation form for anxiety disorders. It just... largely goes unaddressed. 

Which is what I feel happens with the VAST majority of adolescent and teen mental health concerns... it’s really quite unfortunate, but I think that’s the most realistic stance I could take with it.

** Please feel free to correct me if you have an experience in the US school system that contradicts anything I’ve said here, especially re: California! I was raised in suburban Ohio, and my only On Site experience with a private school was visiting the grounds of some kind of religious private school for my AP tests. And, like... Pop Culture Media. I know absolutely nothing about California’s school system and recognize that’s 2/3 of a continent away; it could DEFINITELY be different in Cali.

[motherofponies]

2017...

...what a ride! So many things, so many BIG things happened to me this year. A few highlights:

- My mental health is MUCH better. I’ve been in therapy and medication for about two years, and I can say, the difference is HUGE. I had a really severe case of general anxiety disorder, mixed with a bit of sociophobia and periods of depression, and both, my therapist and my psychiatrist, said that I was one of the most severe cases they ever had. I used to have panic attacks every day, and tried suicide twice. I almost didn’t leave my house, except when really unavoidable. My life sucked, and I used to feel like shit. I improved a lot last year, but this year I felt even more the changes. A lot of what comes next is result of me being better. And I’m really thankful for it!

- I released a song that I composed with a partner from my ent. agency; I sang it with him and another artist, and people really liked! I helped with lots of other compositions in the agency, and they helped me to grow a lot as an artist. I never thought that someday my music would be out there for people to hear, but now is a reality, thanks to those awesome people from my agency.

- I made the trip of my dreams with my two best friends: we went to Seoul, South Korea, where I spent my birthday! We’ve planned to go there for five years, and it was even better than we imagined. And it was the first time I ever saw snow! We visited so many wonderful places and did so many amazing things. I have only wonderful memories, and I can’t wait to come back!

- I became the proud “co-parent” of two fluffy bunnies: Mushu and Olavo! They’re really cute and are the biggest source of happiness in my life!! I can’t imagine my life without them now. I love them so so so much!!!

- I FINALLY cut my hair short again! It was something that I was wanting for a really long time, but I was afraid of my mom’s reaction. So I found the corage to talk with her about it. Well, you probably saw the result - I posted a shitload of selfies since then, lol! I’m really, really happy! I’m feeling more “me” than ever!

- I found out that I’m nonbinary. It was a HUGE thing for me, cause I always felt like I was a “broken” girl, and that made me really frustrated for a long time - basically all my life. But now, everything just makes sense for me, and I feel... whole. I never felt so good about myself as I do now. I can’t came out to my family like, never, for a number of reasons, but for me is enough to know who I really am and that I’m not alone. I came out to a few friends and they were all awesome about it; I felt so loved! I’m really proud of who I am, even if I can’t be loud.

- I started one of my dream projects in life: making a webseries. And to that, I added another dream project: a modern adaptation of Scènes de la Vie de Bohème. “SOBRE VIVER - About Living and Surviving” will be my dearest child, I’m sure of it. I’m working hard on the script, and my friends are really excited with the project. There’s a lot of our own story in this, and all of us are doing our best. Hope I can bring more news about it soon!

- Something that until now I can’t say if it’s positive or negative (well, probably cause it isn’t over yet): my worst bully called me some weeks ago, and said he want to talk with me in person about what happenned that time. Something went wrong the day he would come to talk, and we still didn’t set another day to meet (he lives really far from here). The day he fisrt called me, I had an awful panic attack, like I didn’t have for the longest time. And for many days, my life was a mess because of it. I was a bit depressed and really unmotivated... and afraid. Terrified. My therapist was worried. My friends were really worried. Now I’m ok, I think. Sleeping better, almost not thinking about it. Just waiting. I already know what I want to say. What I want to ask. And I’ll be ready when the time come. I have this rare chance of facing my bully and get things right. To hear an apology. And I want to take that chance and make the best of it. Cheer for me!

- I’m preparing to do a surgery that I always wanted: a breast reduction. I always thought that my breasts are too big, and this bothered me since forever, but I never talked with anyone in my family about it, cause... for what? I never thought that we could spend money on something so “futile”. But one day, talking with my mom, I ended up mentioning it. And then she offered to pay a breast reduction for me. You may think is silly, but I cried from happiness. I went to my first appointment with the surgeon a few days ago, and he’s really good, and explained everything about it. I’m really excited! And happy! It's a dream coming true!

- I met some really awesome people in real life and online. I'm not very good at starting friendships, but maybe I’m getting better... Well, just want to say, thank you for being my friends! 

Above all things, I’m just thankful for being alive. As I said at the beginning, I tried suicide twice; I had dark times in my life and I really didn’t want to live anymore. But I’m really thankful that it went “wrong”; God spared me, and He always have a reason, I know that. I survived, and I’m learning why. And I’m happy for it.

Happy new year, everyone! Make 2018 YOUR year!

Lots of love,

Stedy

[hinabirb]

some questions answered

it has been a personal blog for so long but i found out it is easier to find this blog of mine than i thought. 

 > why is it bad? - most of my friends n mutuals dont know that i love anime, i play games and i am obsessed with cute stuff. Since being an adult, n growin up means u cant buy those bear printed pencils and cute stickers, people would be disappointed.

> then why do i have my other blog? - people (even tho they say im cute at first) knows me as a dangerous girl. I have tried a lot of stuff already, i did crazy things, and also it is a fear of mine if someone will realize i am not as strong as i show. My other blog is available from my instagram, this way i can warn others not to play with me and my feelings.

> why do i have to warn them? - its easy. Its called sociophobia, i am afraid of people, like a lot. i carry knives with myself all the time, because even if i know the person i will meet with, most of the abuses happens between mutuals. looking strong is a method of mine which helps me to protect myself and not even give the chance to people to play around with my soul or body.

> stop feeling sorry about urself, grow up! - no, i wont stop. even tho im an adult, people always need support. I do cry a lot everyday, i cry myself to sleep but if i wouldnt, i could set the whole world on fire, my negative energy would stuck in me.

> just get a psychologist. - it is not that easy. I do go to a psychologist, an amazing woman, who can help me with little tricks like how to relax, what can i read, what should i do when i feel suicidal, she recommends films, and do much more than a psychiatrist. Since self harm and attemp suicide cant solve only with talking, he gave me bunch of pills, so i do have the right treatments.

> You have to change urself, and not wait the doctors to do magic! - Yes! This is hell right, but as i said i need support. I am a kind of person, who barely talks irl, and almost not at all about my feelings.But as it is said: people come and people leave it is really hard for me to find that one who i can tell my story. Asked help several times on tumblr, but i got mostly only hate or “ ♥ “ asks. I do understand people cant take my problems as a weigh on their shoulders, i will never ever ask for this. I ask for two ears what will listen to me and a heart to not to tell anybody else and not to judge me, since i am a victim of bad fortune.

> why does my mood change like hour to hour? - my doctors mentioned a few things to me, but i am not fully diagnosisted yet. I asked for help ffrom them because of my anxiety. My last diagnosis was mixed anxiety and depression disorder, PTSD and sociophobia.

> so how can anyone help? - easy as hell: with kindness. as a “gamer” i get a lot of times to kill myself, i must be a fat ugly girl. First of all: never ever tell someone to kill themselves, just think about it: what if u tell them and they will actually commit suicide. I leave other explanation to your own heart. And what if i am a fat ugly girl? Will u evr see me? If u treat people like this, u can be sure, u wont. I was lucky to meet new fiends, two girls who are my classmates now, and they are pretty as hell, im not even kidding. perfect body, perfect style, pretty face, pretty smile, soft long hair - their boyfriends must be the luckiest men alive.

> okay but what other opportunities i have to help a person like you? - talk with us. Talk about weather, talk about art, politics, economy, cars, fashion, animals, plants, furnitures, about your day, we are interested. We are the best listeners, since we are afraid to talk and about saying too much, but also we can feel very sad if we feel we are boring or we feel lonely. Also, we will open up! At first u have to look for the topic we are might be interested in, but we will help you sooner than u think!

> i think i have mental illnes,is it okay to talk with you? - Of course! But think about it: are you ready to talk about it? If you think “I have to talk with someone, because they said it will help me” you are wrong. You have to talk, when you are ready. Sometimes it is easier to talk with a stranger about it, someone on internet, so you can stay incognito, and if they are willing to help, why not? BUT i want to mention again i am a great listener, what means i do listen, i will feel your sadness, i might even understand your feelings, i might even give advices but i am not a psychologist! It is hard for me to find the right words, i have speaking problems irl too because i cant express myself in words (also as u can see my english is messed up, sorry i have never paid attention on class >.<)

One more thing: i wrote this because my psychologist mentioned to write my feelings out on a blog and since i have already had one, i decided to use out my opportunity. it is 100% personal, please do NOT reblog.