#i usually try not to be mean to anyone but ancient romans on this blog. but i figured this might be useful for some folks

[samwisethewitch]

Everything You Need to Know About Pagan Deity

As you’ve probably guessed by now, there are many, many, many different approaches to deity within the wider pagan community. While it would be impossible to summarize all of these different perspectives in a single blog post, this post contains some common themes and best practices that are more or less universal and can be adapted to fit whatever system you choose to work with.

In my Baby Witch Bootcamp series, I talk about the “Four R’s” of working with spiritual beings, including deities: respect, research, reciprocity, and relationship. However, when it comes to gods and goddesses specifically, I think it’s important to include a fifth “R” — receptivity.

If you’re completely new to this kind of work and want to avoid making rookie mistakes and/or pissing off powerful spiritual forces, sticking to the Five R’s of Deity Relationships is a good place to start. The Five R’s are:

Respect. It’s always a good idea to have a healthy respect for the powers you choose to connect with, whether you see those powers as literal gods and goddesses or as archetypes within the collective unconscious (see below). While not every ritual needs to be incredibly formal and structured, you should always conduct yourself with an air of respect and reverence when connecting with deity. There’s no need to humble yourself to the point of cowering before the gods (and in fact, this kind of behavior is a turnoff for many deities), but you should strive to be polite and follow your system’s proper protocol for things like cleansing, offerings, and prayers.

Research. I am of the opinion that you should do serious research into a god or goddess before any attempt to make contact with them. This can be controversial, but in my own experience things seem to go more smoothly when I know what I’m doing. Books are really the way to go for this — the Internet can be useful for connecting with other worshipers and hearing their stories, but it isn’t a good source for nonbiased factual information. I recommend starting with academic sources written by secular experts for a purely historical account that won’t be colored by personal religious experience. Once you have a decent understanding of the basic historical context, look for books by pagan authors who have experience working with this deity. These sources will give you a framework for your own interactions with them.

Reciprocity. As we’ve discussed before, reciprocity is a core value of virtually every pagan tradition. Reciprocity is a mutual positive exchange where all parties benefit in some way, and this quality forms the backbone of all healthy relationships with deity. While we benefit from connecting with the gods, the gods also benefit from our worship. Upholding reciprocity in your relationships with deity means making regular offerings to show your appreciation as well as living in a way that your god or goddess approves of.

Relationship. At the end of the day, connecting with a god or goddess is about creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Like any relationship, it takes time and effort to keep the connection alive. The gods are living, thinking, feeling beings just like you and me, though on a much larger scale. Just like you and me, they have likes and dislikes and require certain things from those who want to work closely with them. Try to approach the gods as individuals, and connect with them as you would with another person. This will naturally lead to much more authentic and organic relationships.

Receptivity. To be receptive is to be open and ready to receive whatever comes your way — this is an essential quality for anyone who is serious about connecting with a god or goddess. Connecting with the gods means allowing them a place in your life, whatever they choose to bring with them. It means forming a relationship with them on their terms, and that requires us to give up a certain degree of control. While you should never feel afraid or completely out of control when connecting with deity (if you do, stop contacting that deity immediately), you may very well experience things you did not expect or ask for. Be prepared for these surprises, and understand that when the gods surprise us in this way, they do it in order to help us grow. Let go of any preconceived ideas about what a relationship with this deity “should” look like, and instead let it unfold naturally.

Though there is much more to working with deity than just these values, keeping these values in mind will get you started out on the right foot in your relationships with the gods.

Deity or Archetype?

As odd as it may sound, not everyone who connects with the gods through study and ritual believes those gods to be literal spiritual beings. Some pagans (I would even say the majority of pagans, based on my personal experience) connect with the gods as individuals with their own personalities and agency, but others connect with them as symbols that represent different elements of the human experience. This latter group is working with the gods not as deity, but as archetypes.

The term “archetype” comes from academia, particularly the fields of psychology and literary analysis. An archetype is a symbol that embodies the fundamental characteristics of a person, thing, or experience.

Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung argued that archetypes are powerful symbols within the collective unconscious (basically an ancestral memory shared by all of humanity) that arise due to shared experiences across cultures. For example, Jung would argue that Demeter, Juno, and Frigg all represent the “Mother” archetype filtered through different cultural lenses, reflecting the important role of mothers across Greek, Roman, and Old Norse culture. For Jung and his followers, archetypes allow us to connect to latent parts of our own psyche — by connecting with the Mother archetype, for example, you can develop motherly qualities like patience, empathy, and nurturing.

For comparative mythology expert Joseph Campbell, archetypes represented types of characters that appear in some form in most or all global mythology. In his book, The Hero of a Thousand Faces, Campbell identified the “hero’s journey” as the archetypal narrative framework on which most stories, from ancient myths to modern films, are based. (If you’ve taken literally any high school literature class, you’re probably familiar with Campbell’s work.) Like Jung, Campbell has been hugely influential on modern pagans who choose to connect with the gods as archetypes.

Working with an archetype is a little different than working with a deity. For one thing, while archetypes may manifest as gods and goddesses, they can also manifest as fictional characters, historical figures, or abstract symbols. Let’s say you want to tap into the Warrior archetype. You could connect with this archetype by working with gods like Mars, Thor, or Heracles — but you could just as easily do so by working with superheroes like Luke Cage or Colossus, literary figures like Ajax or Achilles, or the abstract concepts of strength and honor.

When pagans worship a deity, it’s because they want to form a relationship with that deity for some reason. But when pagans work with an archetype, it’s usually because they want to embody aspects of that archetype. In our above example, you may be trying to connect to the Warrior archetype to gain confidence or become more assertive.

The biggest difference between worshiping a deity and working with an archetype is that a deity is an external force, while an archetype is an internal force. When you connect with a deity, you are connecting with a spiritual being outside of yourself — a being with their own thoughts, feelings, and drives. When you connect with an archetype, you are connecting with a part of your own psyche. Because of this, archetypes tend to be more easily defined and behave in more predictable ways than deities, although some archetypes can be very complex and multi-faceted.

On the surface, worship and archetype work might be very similar, but the “why” behind the action is fundamentally different.

If you choose to worship the Morrigan, for example, you may have an altar dedicated to her, make regular offerings to her, speak with her in meditations and astral journeys, and/or write poetry or make art in her honor. If you choose to work with the Wild Woman archetype, it may look very similar to an outside observer — you may have an altar dedicated to the Wild Woman energy, speak with manifestations of Wild Woman (perhaps including the Morrigan) in meditation, and write poetry or make art dedicated to this archetype. However, these actions will have a very different intent behind them. Your Wild Woman altar is not a sacred space but a visual trigger to help you connect to the Wild Woman within you. Your meditations are conversations with different aspects of your own personality, not with a separate being. Your art is an expression of self, not a devotional act. The result is a deeper connection to yourself, not a relationship with another being.

I hope I’ve made it clear that archetype work and deity worship can both be very worthwhile spiritual practices, and that each serves its own purpose. Many pagans, myself included, work with both deities and archetypes.

There is some overlap between worshiping a deity and working with an archetype, and many pagans start out with one practice before eventually ending up in the other. Sometimes working with an archetype leads you to encounter a deity who embodies that archetype, which can lead to a relationship with that deity. Likewise, your relationship with a deity may help you become aware of a certain archetype’s influence in your life, which might lead you to work with that archetype.

Making First Contact

First impressions are important. This is true for making new friends, for job interviews, for first dates — and for your first meeting with a god or goddess. In many cases, the way you behave in your first meeting with a deity will set the tone for your relationship with them.

That being said, don’t overthink (or over-stress) about your first impression. You aren’t going to be cursed or punished if you mess this up — at the very worst, the deity might lose interest in connecting with you, and even that can often be remedied with an offering and a polite apology. While it’s always best to get off on the right foot, don’t feel like you need to be perfect.

So, how do you make a good first impression on a god or goddess? Honestly, the rules are largely the same for making a good first impression on any other person. Make sure your physical appearance is clean and tidy — some systems, such as Hellenismos and Kemetic paganism, have special rules for cleansing before contacting the gods, but it’s always a good idea to take a shower first and make sure you’re wearing clean clothes. Likewise, make sure the physical space you invite the gods into is relatively clean — it doesn’t need to be spotless, but take a minute to tidy up before beginning any ritual. Be polite — there’s no need to be overly formal, but you should be respectful. Don’t immediately ask for favors — how would you feel if you met someone at a party and they immediately asked you to do some sort of work for them?

Beyond the basics, it’s wise to make sure you have an idea of who this god is and what they are like before you reach out to them. This will keep you from accidentally doing something offensive. For example, you wouldn’t want to invite them to an altar dedicated to a deity they have a rivalry with. Likewise, you want to avoid offering food or drink that would have been taboo in their original worship. (Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but when you’re just starting out it’s a good idea to follow the historical framework as closely as possible.)

At the risk of sounding like a broken record: this is why research is so important. Knowing who you are dealing with allows you to deal with them respectfully, gracefully, and competently.

Callings

There’s one aspect of deity worship that is controversial in modern paganism: the idea of being “called” by a deity. This is a question you’ll find many, many heated discussions about online. Do you need to be called by a deity to form a relationship with them? Do deities choose their followers, or do we choose them? How do you know what a call from a deity even looks like?

As I said, this is a controversial topic, but I firmly believe that 1.) you do not have to feel called to a deity beyond being interested in them, and 2.) feeling drawn to a deity’s image, symbols, and myths is a form of calling.

Many pagans do feel like they were called or drawn to the deities they walk most closely with. They may have encountered myths of that deity as a child or teenager and deeply resonated with them, or may have always had an affinity for that god’s sacred animals. They may have dreamed of this deity before knowing who they were, or may have felt a spiritual presence around them before identifying it as a god or goddess.

Many people first encounter the gods in fiction, only for this fictionalized depiction to spark a deeper connection that eventually leads to worship. In the modern era, it’s entirely possible for someone who worships Loki to have first encountered him (or at least a character loosely based on him) in Marvel comics and films, or for someone who worships the Greek pantheon to have first discovered them through the Percy Jackson books. As far as I’m concerned, this is also a valid “call” from deity. The gods are very good at communicating with us through the means available — including fiction.

That being said, just because you don’t already feel a strong connection to a god or goddess doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t worship them. The connection will come with time and effort, just like in any relationship.

Dedication, Patrons, and Matrons

In online spaces such as Tumblr and TikTok, a lot of inexperienced pagans parrot the idea that every pagan needs to have a designated matron and/or patron god and/or needs to be formally dedicated to a god in order to have a close relationship with them. Not only is this untrue, but such restrictions can actually cause harm and/or stunt spiritual growth.

Let’s address dedication first. To be dedicated to a deity means to outwardly declare yourself a servant of that deity, usually with a formal dedication ritual — think of it as the pagan version of joining a convent or going to seminary. It is an outward expression of your devotion and loyalty to that deity. Dedicants are held to a higher standard than the average worshiper by themselves, their communities, and the god(s) they have dedicated to.

Dedication can be a powerful and fulfilling spiritual experience (it’s the backbone of many peoples’ spiritual practice), but it should not be taken lightly. Dedicating yourself to a god or goddess should be a sign of your commitment to them and a deepening of your relationship — it should not be the beginning of that relationship.

Dedication is a lot like marriage. Just like you wouldn’t marry someone you’ve only been on a handful of dates with, you shouldn’t dedicate to a deity just because you’ve had one or two positive experiences with them. Like marriages, dedication can be difficult to get out of — ending your dedication to a deity is possible, but it’s a messy, complicated, uncomfortable process that is sure to shift the foundation of your entire spiritual practice, and not always for the better.

My advice to new and inexperienced pagans is not to even consider dedication until you’ve been practicing for several years. As you begin your journey, your focus should be on exploring your options, forming meaningful connections, and developing a practice that works for you and your unique spiritual needs. Now is the time for experimentation, not lifelong commitments.

But let’s say you are an experienced pagan, and you feel like you are ready for dedication. How do you know if you should dedicate to a given god or goddess?

Dedication may be the logical next step in your relationship with a deity if:

This deity has been an active part of your spiritual practice for at least 2-3 years, with no major gaps in contact with them

You are comfortable upholding this deity’s values for the rest of your life — and are willing to face consequences if you fail to do so

You are willing to dedicate a significant amount of time and effort to the service of this deity

You are willing to face major changes in your life outside your spiritual practice — dedicating to a deity often leads to major shifts that may affect our career, family, and/or relationships

If you answered “yes” to all of the above, dedication may be appropriate. This may seem overly cautious, but remember that dedicating to a deity is a serious, lifelong commitment akin to joining the clergy. For context, it takes at least five years of study and practice to become a Catholic priest, a similar amount of time to become a Jewish rabbi, and three years to become a high priest/ess in Traditional Wicca. If you don’t have the patience to maintain a relationship for a few years before dedication, that is probably a good indicator that dedication isn’t for you.

If you are dedicated to a deity or are planning to dedicate, you may actually choose to attend seminary or receive some other formal religious training. This training will help you to better serve your deity in a public capacity, as you will learn skills like religious counselling, leading ritual, and building community. If your program of study includes ordination, it will also allow you to perform legally binding religious rituals like marriage ceremonies. Depending on your path, attending seminary or training may be your act of formal dedication.

Finally, let me make it clear that dedication does not make you a better pagan than someone who is not dedicated. The choice to dedicate or not dedicate is only one element of your spiritual practice, and it is possible to have a fulfilling and life-affirming practice without dedication. Some of the people who do the most work in the service of the gods are not dedicated to them. You may be one of these people, and that is totally okay.

Patron/matron relationships are a specific type of dedication.

The concept of patron deities comes from Wicca and related neopagan religions. As we’ve previously discussed, Wicca is a duotheistic system with a God and Goddess, whose union is the source of all creation. However, because Wiccans believe that all gods are manifestations of the God and all goddesses are manifestations of the Goddess, some covens choose to work with the God and Goddess in the form of other deities (say, for example, Osiris and Isis), which are referred to as the coven’s “patron” and “matron” deities. In these covens, initiation into the coven’s mysteries (traditionally in the form of first, second, and third degree initiations) typically acts as a form of dedication to these deities.

As Eclectic Wicca has gained popularity in the last few decades, there has been a growing trend of individual Wiccans and eclectic pagans choosing personal patron and/or matron deities. Some Wiccans will have a single god or goddess they are dedicated to, while others feel that it is very important to be dedicated to exactly one masculine deity and exactly one feminine deity. This second model is the one I see most often in online pagan spaces, especially Tumblr and TikTok.

The patron/matron model can be useful for some pagans, but it is not one-size-fits-all. As I mentioned, this model of dedication comes from Wicca, and is a very modern concept. In ancient pagan religions, most people would not have been dedicated in this way. That does not mean that this isn’t a valid form of worship (it absolutely is), but it does mean that those who practice reconstructionist paths may not be inclined to interact with deity this way.

The guidelines for patron/matron relationships are similar to the guidelines for dedication in general, but these relationships often (but not always) have a more parental nature. For some people, having a divine mother and/or father figure is ideal — especially for those who are healing from parental trauma or abuse. If you feel drawn to this type of deity relationship, I encourage you to explore it.

On the other hand, you may not have any interest in the patron/matron model, and that’s totally fine! It’s called polytheism for a reason — if you prefer to maintain less formal relationships with many gods, you should feel free to do so.

I hope this post has helped clarify some of the murkier aspects of polytheism and deity work. Obviously, this is only the tip of the iceberg — I could write a book about this topic and many, many authors already have. However, I think the information here is enough to get you started, and I hope that it will provide a first step on your journey with your gods.

Resources:

Wicca for Beginners by Thea Sabin

A Witches’ Bible by Janet and Stewart Farrar

The Spiral Dance by Starhawk

Where the Hawthorn Grows by Morgan Daimler

The Way of Fire and Ice by Ryan Smith

Jessi Huntenburg (YouTuber), “Dancing with Deity | Discovering Gods, Goddesses, and Archetypes,” “Archetype, Deity, and Inviting Transpersonal Experience,” and “10 Ways to Bond with Deity”

Kelly-Ann Maddox (YouTuber), “How to Have Deep Connections with Deities”

[jasper-pagan-witch]

Magic & Music, Music & Magic

Since audio-based media (except for things like podcasts) is usually very different from visual-based media, your approach to pop culture magic will likely be very different with music.

🎼🎶🎵

One of the first topics to touch on are acoustic sigils, an idea that I found from Wolf Of Antimony Occultism on Tumblr. They go through an entire process that almost anyone can follow. They even include a link that allows one to download the audio-editing software Audacity.

🎼🎶🎵

Lyrics of songs can be used as chants for spells, spells themselves, and reminders of things you’re trying to manifest or draw to you. Especially lyrics that are awesome.

Songs with or without lyrics can be used to add a little boost to spells. Thematically appropriate songs are the best for this, but specific instruments and sounds have their own correspondences. Bells are often used for receiving messages, while drumming is good for rhythm and trances.

Additionally, there are tons of sounds and songs that people hold up as beneficial for things like meditation or astral travel. For example, nature sounds are very popular for meditation, while binaural beats are recommended for astral travel.

🎼🎶🎵

Music as a whole is associated with the planet Neptune, the color green, and the astrological sign Pisces. As an offering to deities, music and song is a great one if you’re going for a non-material offering. Pretty much every deity has specific instruments or themes they like, so music with those instruments or themes are awesome offerings. Some people even make full playlists for their deities.

Some deities are associated with music as a whole, including Bes (Egyptian), Apollo (Greek & Roman), the Muses (Greek), Saraswati (Hindu & Buddhist), Benzaiten (Buddhist), Hathor (Egyptian), Bast/Bastet (Egyptian), and Cerridwen (Celtic), among many more from other cultures and religions.

🎼🎶🎵

You know what else works with music? Visual pop culture media that comes with soundtracks. Movies, TV shows, video games...you can incorporate the music itself into your practice for whatever purpose you want, whether it’s the ones outlined in this infodump or anything that you come up with!

SOURCES

https://jasper-pagan-witch.tumblr.com/post/624537949363650560/wolfofantimonyoccultism-acoustic-sigils-is-a

https://witchcraftandwitches.com/magic-magick/the-magical-meanings-correspondences-and-use-of-sounds-and-textures/

http://www.aleph9.com/Research/?page_id=100 (appropriation of chakras)

https://witchipedia.com/astrology/neptune/

https://witchipedia.com/book-of-shadows/table-of-color-correspondence/

https://witchipedia.com/astrology/pisces/

https://www.encyclopedia.com/humanities/culture-magazines/musical-deities

https://www.politusic.com/music/music-religion/

https://www.theoi.com/Ouranios/Mousai.html

https://www.audionitro.com/2018/04/ancient-music-goddesses/

https://mindworks.org/blog/sounds-mindfulness-meditation/

https://www.sound-healing.info/resonances/astral/

[artsistory]

3 Museums in a day!

We slept in til 10 and lazed our way to Museum Island. We had a big day planned and started with my girl Nefertiti at the Neues Museum.

Obviously we will be doing an episode on our girl but we couldn’t get a picture with her!

This probably won’t be the last time this happens but it was a little disappointing. The reason museums do this is to try and keep traffic moving but sometimes it’s for weird reasons (like the sistine chapel is copy-written for example). I don’t know the reason for this one but maybe I’ll discover it in my research! This was as close as I could get:

After that we went to the Pergamon museum to see the Ishtar Gate!

The whole thing has been reconstructed from rubble. If you look closely you can see how it must have been the most tedious but high-stakes puzzle EVER.

Our final museum of the day was to see the Atles Museum! Here we did something a little different and took the free audio tour. Usually I don’t enjoy these that much but it did help me to slow down. We spent a good chunk of time drawing here. And Brandi ran into her old boyfriend! (I talk about him in an earlier blog if you are unsure about their romantic history.) 

I love greek, roman, and etruscan art. It’s kind of the epitome of what we in the west consider the most classic art. That means it’s often seen as very classy and refined. But those ancient bros were people just like us. So that means that they were weird and gross and sometimes very silly. One of the funniest things about Ancient greek life was that they would drink from large bowls called kylix, Often these had funny pictures on the bottom as a little reward for finishing. We got to see one that had someone puking on it (which is what you’d be doing if you drank that much)

After our time at this museum we were totally wiped out. We sat for some time on the steps and enjoyed the musical stylings of a nearby saxophonist who really set the mood by playing jazzy hallelujah. 

We made our way back to our hotel to take a little break that somehow turned into 4 hours of doing nothing?? I must have been doing something.... but maybe nothing? We had really ambitious plans to go out partying this night. We figured that it was a Saturday night in Berlin! But we were soooo tired. Still we dragged our butts up and took the bus to Kreuzberg which someone had described to us as the “Brooklyn of Berlin”. I think that’s what anyone calls a neighborhood that has a lot of young people milling around and some graffiti. We ended up getting Doner kebab for dinner and it was amazingly delicious. I’m very grateful to whoever thought to put meat on a big stick like that. 

We contemplated staying out but neither of us really felt like drinking so we wandered around a bit and headed back to the hotel. We are so excited because tomorrow Carlen will be joining us!

[fantroll-purgatory]

FIRST: Alternia or Beforus or some type of AU? Alternia, Hiveswap era

Name (preferably include how you came up with it and why): Regina (it means queen but I mainly picked it because of Regina George from Mean Girls) Budica (Boudica was a famous queen of ancient Britain who led a rebellion against the Roman occupiers, it was she who was able to unite the various warring tribes of Briton and lead them in revolt)

Oh I Love this. But Regina is also like, a real and immediately recognizable name, so we might have to move that slightly to make it fit the Troll Vibe more. Maybe Generi. It’s an anagram of Regine, which is the plural of Regina. Generi Budica. 

Age: around 7.5 sweeps

Strife Specibus: sawkind (I had no idea what to put here so I went with her weapon is a chainsaw in reference to Heather Chandler’s “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw” quote)

I mean I’m a big heathers fan and Mean 80′s Teen is super a Heather Chandler vibe, so that’s great. 

Fetch Modus: Oh I have no idea I’m terrible with these

It’s a BURNBOOK, OBVIOUSLY. She collects pieces of gossip inside when she captchalogues the item and if she wants to retrieve an item she has to pass that sick goss along.  

Blood color: Cerulean

Symbol and meaning: Scorus, sign of the Victorious

Trolltag: aristocraticCarouser (carouser as in person who drinks alcohol and enjoys oneself with others in a noisy, lively way)

Haha I love that, very both Regina George and Heather Chandler vibes. 

Quirk: She l^ke TOTALLY talks l^ke TH^S (replaces ‘I’ with ‘^’ and capitalizes words to emphasize them)

Special Abilities (if any): She has regular cerulean abilities, though she focuses more on developing her empath abilities and mind reading because she sees mind control as harmful and hates the idea of taking away someone’s free will

Most Ceruleans don’t actually have psychic abilities so she’ll be a rarity but that’s not to say she can’t have it anyways, it’s just a fun touch to add. I do like that she’s a Somewhat Moral Girl, though. Neutral, Not Evil. 

Lusus: Snakemom

I almost wanna say her lusus should be the Mythical Hoop Snake. Stinger tail for an extra joke about being TOXIC.

Personality: Regina is a master manipulator who is out for herself and no one else, she changes alliances and quadrants as it suits her. Although she’ll stop at nothing to get her way, she’s not pure evil, she’s just a kid having fun while she can and has no idea the impact her words or actions have. It doesn’t help that she’s volatile and that growing up feared by lower bloods and looked down upon by those higher up has made her quick to anger. Her most impressive quality is that she’s clearly a leader. You just can’t teach the kind of charisma, quick thinking and organization skills she has. She’s not the most admirable leader, but it’s definitely entertaining to follow her and she could develop into a great leader if she tried. She’d never this though, since she is desperately running from responsibility and duty. As a breath player she loves her freedom, letting loose and partying, she doesn’t let anything or anyone hold her down and stop her from enjoying her free spirited party hopping life. This can also be reflected in her hate towards the hemospectrum, she hates the expectations it enforces on her and everyone else and sees it as an easy way to the top for people who don’t deserve it. Yes, she does see herself as queen bee, but it’s because she goddamn made herself one.

I like genuinely love this whole personality build for her. Young teen who’s really just trying to give herself and the others around her a good time. Not the most responsible or loyal but she is a figure that people Look to and she does create a direction for them, even if it’s not necessarily the best direction. This is one of the better ways to classpect the Queen Bee archetype I’ve ever seen! 

Interests: Junk food, dancing and fashion, but most of all, Regina likes to talk trash about people. She keeps a huge “Burn Blog” on the side full of all the dirty secrets and juicy gossip collected about the people she encounters. Whether it be an ex quadrant or someone who’s mind she read at a party once if it’s funny or if you piss her off, she’ll post it. Other than that she has a huge social media presence and tons of followers on her personal accounts where she mainly posts your typical popular party girl things like ‘deep’ quotes, artsy pictures of herself, photos of her food and drinks and aesthetic pictures.

This is great, hell yeah.

Title: Sylph of Breath

Land: Idk I don’t really know how lands work

Lands usually function in conjunction with quests. Given her title and her personality, her land will probably test her- she will have a choice between exploiting the consorts for her own gain or starting a movement that can actually help everyone, and she can only succeed in her quest if she does the latter. 

Land of Stars and Burns, maybe.

Dream Planet: Prospit

Design time!: 

Really didn’t have a lot to change here. I edited the outlines to match the usual style/make her shirt look like it was Over the body rather than part of it. I also edited the outline on the pants to be her blood color. A few little bag edits, some edits to the jewelry to make it more visible at this scale… 

I also gave her a lil beauty mark because Regina George (well technically Rachel McAdams but still) has one and it’s such an iconic look to me.

And then I made her shoe lining pink because On Wednesdays We Wear Pink. 

-CD

[chasholidays]

You're awesome for doing this again! How about: Clarke is internet crushing on a food blogger and flirts with him over the comments, but he doesn't put his real name online and she has no idea what he looks like. ALSO, she's real life crushing on her BFF's brother Bellamy. Surprise - they're the same person. (please and thank you, I love all of your work!!)

Not to be completely shallow or anything, but Clarke starts reading Grumio’s blog because of a screenshot of his hands.

His hands are the only parts of his body that are really visible on any part of his website, but they’re more than enough for her to decide to follow up on him. She’s always had a thing for hands, and Grumio’s are basically perfect. Clarke is aggressively here for smart boys with perfect hands who know how to cook.

Granted, he knows how to cook in the dorkiest way possible, but Clarke’s kind of into that too. She likes people who are passionate and dedicated, regardless of what the passion is for or the dedication is to.

Unless it’s passion about racism or something. Fuck that.

But Grumio is passionate about Roman cooking. Well, okay, he seems to be passionate about Roman culture in general, but the focus of his blog is on researching and recreating historical cuisine using period-appropriate ingredients and tools. It’s not really the kind of thing Clarke is usually into but, again, he has amazing hands. Every once in a while, he’ll do a video, and even though he just plays music in the background instead of speaking, they’re still pretty much her favorite thing to watch.

And, yes, she knows how sad that is. But Grumio is interesting. He’d have to be, to have gotten the following he has. He’s a popular internet dork who cares deeply about history. She’s not the only one who thinks he’s cool.

Which is probably why she decides to tell Bellamy about him.

There is an irrational part of Clarke that feels wrong, talking to Bellamy about Grumio. After all, Grumio is her internet crush, and Bellamy is her real-life crush, and it feels as though talking about one to the other is crossing the streams. But Bellamy teaches Latin, so she’s brought him up a couple times in her comments to Grumio, and it seems only logical to bring Grumio up to him.

If she’s honest, it’s felt logical for a while, but she was putting it off, and Bellamy reminds her of exactly why as soon as she does it.

“Have you heard of Cooking with Grumio?” she asks, and he frowns in a way that suggests less that he isn’t familiar with the blog and more that he’s confused she that she is.

“Have you?”

“No, I put together a random string of syllables and hit a real thing. You know about it?”

“I’m a Latin teacher,” he says, voice gently teasing. “My students have mentioned it once or twice.”

“Okay, yeah. I probably should have seen that coming.”

“I appreciate the head’s up anyway.” He takes a drink of his beer, and Clarke’s worried it’s going to turn into an awkward silence, but instead it turns into an awkward question. “How did you find it?”

“How does anyone find anything on the internet? I followed a link and liked it enough to add it to my bookmarks.”

“Oh wow, it’s on your bookmarks,” he teases. “That’s the real sign of internet dedication.”

“What, do you not like it?”

He shrugs. “It’s cool, I guess. I approve of anything that’s educational but tricks kids into thinking it’s fun. I just didn’t think it would be your thing.”

“He’s a good writer,” she says, trying to be just as casual. “And it’s interesting. Just because I’m not an ancient Rome enthusiast, it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a cool project.”

“I guess so. Well, thanks for letting me know about it.”

“Even if I’m the thousandth person to tell you.”

He smiles; the expression looks a little off to Clarke, but she can’t really figure out why. It’s not like they’re really friends. Clarke is friends with Octavia, and Octavia is close to her brother. They see each other a few times a month, and Clarke tries very hard to not be into him, because, again, Octavia is close to her brother. There’s nothing inherently wrong with dating a friend’s sibling, but given how Octavia and Bellamy grew up, it’s more like dating a friend’s surrogate father figure. Which is definitely a little weird.

None of which matters, because Bellamy’s not interested in her anyway. He’s just an incredibly attractive person she hangs out with sometimes, and they end up talking mostly by default. Everyone else is kind of paired off.

“Hey, you could always hit the Latin thing I haven’t heard about. Stranger things have happened.”

“Are there Latin things you don’t know about?”

“If there are, I wouldn’t know, so–”

She laughs. “So I’ll let you know if I find any other cool blogs.”

“Yeah, I’d appreciate it.”

*

Comments on post You Asked, Grumio Drank Until He Was Okay With It: Time to Bake Bread

Sea Geez Have you seriously never made bread before???

GrumioDon’t judge, I’m not much of a baker.

Sea GeezReally? Why not? Baking is basically all I’m good at.

GrumioI don’t know. It seems boring. I like trying to figure stuff out, and when I’m baking, I basically have all the answers. Add this much, and if you add any more, you fuck it up.

Also, yeast weirds me out.

Sea GeezYeast weirds you out?

GrumioIt’s ALIVE.

Sea GeezYou eat meat. You know what meat is, right?

GrumioAnd in a life or death situation, I’d probably be fine killing my own food. But I still feel bad for yeast.

Sea GeezThat’s actually kind of adorable.

GrumioThanks, I try.

*

“So, uh, did you see that Grumio post about Saturnalia?” Bellamy asks. He sounds so profoundly awkward, she can’t help smiling.

“Are you trying to make conversation? Because you’re a lot better at it when you’re not trying. That was so awkward.”

“Thanks. I was just curious. I thought it was pretty cool.”

“Yeah, I liked it too. If I were better at cooking, I might try some of it out.”

“Really?”

“I feel weird reading a food blog where I never try to make any of the recipes. Like I’m missing out.”

He rubs the back of his neck, looking oddly nervous. “I’m not a bad cook,” he offers. “If you ever found one you really wanted to try, I could probably help out.”

It’s the first time he’s ever made any offer to hang out with her one-on-one, which is simultaneously awesome and kind of–suspect. Which is ridiculous, obviously. She and Bellamy are friends. There’s nothing at all suspicious about his offering to help her with cooking. That’s a normal, friendly thing.

“Have you made any yourself?”

“Again, Latin teacher. I do them all the time for school events. The kids love seeing stuff they recognize from Grumio, honestly.”

“So, do you have any favorites? Anything you want to show me?”

“I could probably come up with something. I won’t be offended if you don’t want to,” he adds.

He’s so nervous. About offering to cook for her, of all things.

If it’s suspicious, it’s the best kind of suspicious.

“No, that would be awesome. Was there something in the Saturnalia post you thought would be good? Anything you recommend?”

“The Roman cheesecake balls looked pretty cool. I could probably come up with something else to go with them.”

“A full Grumio meal?”

He smiles a little. “That’s the idea.”

*

Comments on post Walk Like an Egyptian, Drink Like a Roman

Sea GeezTop three recipes you’ve ever made?

GrumioThat’s like asking me to pick my top three children.

Sea Geez1. Is it?2. How many children do you have?

GrumioI see your transparent attempt to trick me into giving out demographic information and I’m not falling for it. But good effort. Here are some of my favorite recipes for your effort.

*

Clarke’s never actually been to Bellamy’s apartment, but when she told him about the incredibly sorry state of her kitchen, he invited her over to his place instead. There is something of a datelike feeling to the whole evening, and she’s doing her best to not read into it. After all, they’re already friendly, and this is a logical way to take it a step further to being actual friends.

It’s not a date. Definitely not a date.

When she knocks on the door, he just calls, “It’s open!” and when she goes in, she finds him in the kitchen, apparently reviewing his giant pile of ingredients.

“Wow. You really didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

“It’s no trouble.”

She makes a show of looking at his crowded counter tops. “Yeah, that’s just clearly a lie. You went to a ton of trouble.”

“I saved the receipts, you said you’d Venmo me.”

“Yeah, but–it’s still a lot of effort. Not just money.”

“I like cooking,” he says, with a shrug. “I don’t mind.”

“You say that now, but you haven’t seen how shitty I am at cooking yet.”

“You can’t be that bad,” he says, with the confidence of someone who has never witnessed her in the kitchen.

“Don’t jinx it,” she says. “What am I doing?”

It should be unspeakably awkward, being not just alone with Bellamy, but in his kitchen, but to Clarke’s surprise, it’s actually pretty fun. He really is a good cook, obviously familiar with not only cooking in general, but all the recipes he’s showing her. And even though she’s about the farthest thing possible from an expert, Bellamy is mostly patient, and at least amused when she fucks up.

The two of them agreed on a menu without much trouble, and it is cool, seeing the dishes she’s seen online come together in real life.

And as she watches him chop some herbs, she realizes exactly how much what she’s watching resembles what she’s seen online. Her jaw drops, and before she can think it through, she says, “Holy shit, you’re Grumio.”

He freezes. “What?”

There’s no going back, so she just has to plow forward. “I recognize your hands.”

“My hands?” he asks, incredulous.

She should have noticed before, honestly. Of course Bellamy has nice hands, he always has. She’s caught herself on more than one occasion watching the way he gestures when he talks, but it’s hard to really identify someone from their hands alone. It’s seeing the way they look in action, cooking, that’s so familiar, and somehow she’s sure. Bellamy’s list of dishes was very similar to the one she proposed. He was always a little shifty about the whole thing. It makes sense, for all it feels impossible. Grumio could be anyone, but somehow, he’s Bellamy.

“I was going to tell you,” he says, slumping.

“When?”

“When I figured out how. I didn’t think anyone I knew actually read it. O mentioned it once but just, you know, she saw a link.”

“So no one knows?”

“You know.”

“No one else.”

He shrugs, a little awkward. “I didn’t want my students to know, so it just seemed easier to not tell anyone.” He laughs, shaking his head. “Fuck, I can’t believe you recognized my hands. I didn’t think they were that special.”

“Maybe I’m just a big fan.”

“Are you? Do you comment or anything?”

Part of her wants to lie, but he easily could have denied his own identity, so it’s only fair. “Yeah, um. Sea Geez.”

He stares at her, and then starts laughing. “Holy shit. Seriously?”

“What?”

“You’re my favorite commenter.”

A warm glow of pride fills her chest. “Well, you’re my favorite Roman food blogger.”

“Thanks.” He turns his attention back to the chopping, deliberate. “This was, uh. The best way I could figure out to use it as a pickup. If I’d know you were Sea Geez I would have just asked you out, honestly.”

“Really?”

“You were definitely flirting with me.”

“You were definitely flirting back!”

He grins. “I was. So—did this work?”

“This?”

He gestures to his kitchen. “First date.”

“Does Octavia know it’s a first date?”

“Fuck, she always knows when I have a crush. It’s the world’s most annoying super power. She knows.”

“Then yeah,” she says. “Anything would have worked, honestly.”

“Awesome. Go check the meat, will you?”

“Romantic,” she teases, and he just raises one shoulder, smiles.

“I thought so, yeah.”

*

Comments on post First Anniversary Dinner for Poppaea

Helen of Troy, NYWow, that’s a really nice spread!! Poppaea is a very lucky woman. I hope she appreciates you ;)

GrumioYeah, don’t worry, I’m pretty sure she does.

Sea GeezWell, who wouldn’t?

[cookwithjess]

Blog Post #4: Let's Talk About Ratatouille: the dish, not the movie.

Bonjour readers! Welcome to my 4th and final Blog Post.

Today I will be talking about French culture. Learning more about my roots and my family background, I found out that I am part French and I have a couple relatives living in Paris that my grandmother visits once every few years. I thought it would be exciting and fun to learn more about French culture while also learning the recipe for a famous dish called Ratatouille. Come along!

Origin:

Since the 17th century, France has been known to be a “center of high culture”. French culture has played a big role in shaping the world’s arts, cultures, sciences, and most of all being internationally recognized for its fashion, cuisine, art, and cinema. French culture was also historically shaped by Celtic, Roman, and Germanic cultures. As the largest Western European nation, France continues to be a powerhouse within the European continent. French ideas developed in the Enlightenment period, can all be seen as influencing present-day Western culture.

Connection to Class:

The French are known for their motto: "Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité”, which means Liberty, Equality, Fraternity. Connecting this to class, this motto can have different definitions with a few back translations. Back translation is defined as the process of translating a phrase back to its original language. An example of this would be if we back translate the French motto, in English, it means “Freedom, Equality, and Fraternity”. Another thing connecting the French to class is their religious life.

Most French citizens consider themselves to be Christian. Catholicism played an important role in shaping French culture and was the state religion until 1789. In the French tradition, kings were even crowned within the Notre-Dame de Reims cathedral until 1825. Most of the remaining population today identifies as agnostic or atheist. However, there are also significant groups of Muslim, Jewish, and Buddhist residents in modern France. The citizens in the French have a discrepancy in beliefs and have changed their belief from catholic to agnostic or atheist. As more people moved into France through time with the difference in religions and the lack thereof, religions like agnostic and atheist are becoming more predominant.

Yoga is gaining more popularity in France today. French citizens are not known for being passionate about exercise or fitness, but France has become a welcoming place for Yoga as a holistic practice, rather than a function of body manipulation or change. While Yoga is an ancient practice dating back thousands of years, French interest is more recent as they just adopted it in the 1960s, first based in India. As modern life expands and accelerates, Yoga is a touchstone for personal peace when everything else seems to speed up. Yoga in the French culture is typically done in groups at festivals and classes for people to come together as one.

The French immigrants coming to America is also a connection that can be made to this class. French chefs and restaurants bolstered the popularity of French cuisine and made the first yeast bread in North America while bringing technical farming skills all of which helped improve American rice and wines. America will always be different from French culture, but they were able to adapt and include the most beneficial parts of it including more effective farming. French culture does not just stay in one place, but rather it tries to spread its customs to other nations.

My Dish: Ratatouille

When we hear the word “Ratatouille”, many relate back to the Disney movie that came out in 2007, but it’s more than that. Ratatouille is a well-known vegetable stew from a region in France called Provence. It is a dish that contains eggplant, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers, zucchini, garlic, and herbs all cooked in olive oil and tomato sauce. It may not sound like much but it is considered a healthy and filling dish. The word “ratatouille” originated from Occitan ratatolha in the late 18th century in French, meaning to “stir up”. There are multiple methods of making this dish, which causes a debate as to what is the right way of cooking this meal. You can cook the vegetables together, or cooked separately then combined them at the end. You can even add protein to this dish if you want to. Ratatouille is a balanced meal suitable for vegetarians, vegans, and easy to make for anyone wanting to try it. Ratatouille is usually served as a side dish, but you can combine it with pasta, rice, or other protein so it can be served as a main dish. When I was making this dish, I added rice to it and it was very appetizing.

Overall Reflection:

This Ratatouille dish was my favorite dish out of my 4 dishes. Finding the ingredients was easy and it turned out just like I imagined it would taste in the film Ratatouille. Doing my research on French culture was interesting and being half French I am excited to tell extended family all about what I have learned and even fix this dish for my other family members in the future. Cooking dishes for this class has been an amazing experience and I can’t wait to find more recipes from different cultures to make in the future.

Thanks for reading! See you soon.

Sources:

https://thegoodlifefrance.com/yoga-in-france/

https://www.livescience.com/39149-french-culture.html

https://www.familysearch.org/blog/en/french-culture-traditions/

https://www.frenchcountryfood.com/recipes/vegetarian/ratatouille.html

https://americansall.org/legacy-partner/french-americans-contributions-our-nation#:~:text=French%20Americans%20mainly%20disseminated%20information%20and%20acted%20as,skills%20that%20vastly%20improved%20American%20rice%20and%20wines.

https://culturalatlas.sbs.com.au/french-culture/french-culture-core-concepts

https://www.thedailymeal.com/what-is-ratatouille

https://78.media.tumblr.com/9312bbd8c12df5b3cd572199ac78ce39/tumblr_omsq8nqDxF1qdqw3ro3_r1_500.gif

https://th.bing.com/th/id/R0b92cd77aed00a7e5d0a1483511b9e62?rik=F2xcqOjRptz7uw&riu=http%3a%2f%2fwww.badyogi.com%2fblog%2fwp-content%2fuploads%2f2018%2f11%2f34051846_911801859006058_4644739829039366144_o.jpg&ehk=D3SbIKeoWhGfUCkHLIHj30InP73wNB1jKusEjN0RUhc%3d&risl=&pid=ImgRaw

https://th.bing.com/th/id/R20ed9ad1b5dedcd848293191595b19fc?rik=yVGXA7e7shDJKA&riu=http%3a%2f%2f1.bp.blogspot.com%2f-pvtXgeafeIM%2fUQgNer8SWeI%2fAAAAAAAAjq8%2fUc8kd039seU%2fs1600%2feiffil-tower-eiffel-paris-france-park-cities-269184.jpg&ehk=JNzB3Rs1WjNHbZIGh4YwvyCK4mtgTK47gmTCzsvKCEA%3d&risl=&pid=ImgRaw

[foodreceipe]

My Favorite Beverage Is a 2,000-Year-Old Energy Drink From Ancient Rome

The Romans sure knew how to quench their thirst.

Gwynn Guilford

Photo from the Metropolitan Museum of Art/The Elisha Whittelsey Collection, The Elisha Whittelsey Fund, 1949.

We all know it’s good to hydrate. Water can be so blah though. So when I’m trying to rehydrate after a long run in the summer heat, I tend to reach for an old-timey solution: The energy drink of ancient Rome.                

The Romans were famed for their innovations in military logistics, which allowed them to extend their territory from Rome and its immediate surrounds to the whole Mediterranean and ultimately, with the establishment of the Roman Empire, virtually all of western Eurasia. But an army can’t win if it’s thirsty. Enter posca. This blend of vinegar and water—and possibly salt, herbs, and other stuff—holds a special place in beverage history thanks to its role as the Gatorade of the Roman army.                

It’s possible posca was Greek in origin. Its name may have derived from the Greek word epoxos, which means “very sharp,” according to The Logistics of the Roman Army at War, by Jonathan Roth, historian at San Jose State University. But the beverage owes its fame to the small, but essential, part it played in the Roman army’s legendary efficiency. As early as the middle of the Roman Republic era (509-27 BCE), the military rationed posca to troops along with grains and, very occasionally, meat and cheese. That policy continued for centuries, well into the Roman Empire.                

Roman soldiers did, of course, drink water. But historical records suggest that it wasn’t their beverage of choice. Consider what Plutarch wrote about how Cato the Elder, an officer during the Second Punic War (218-202 BCE), dealt with his thirst, according to Roth:                

Water was what he drank on his campaigns, except that once in a while, in a raging thirst, he would call for vinegar, or when his strength was failing, would add a little wine.

Like Cato, Romans prized wine for its supposed health benefits, as Rod Phillips, a historian at Carleton University in Ottawa, writes in his book Wine: A Social and Cultural History of the Drink That Changed Our Lives. That made posca—which contained vinegar made from wine gone bad—vastly preferable to plain old H20. And wine, at the time, was plentiful. Rich Romans put back titanic volumes of it. As the reach of Roman imperialism spread throughout Europe, viticulture followed, which “gave their armies ready access to wine depots almost everywhere,” writes Phillips.                

For military officials, off wine was a cheap source of calories to distribute in bulk. Diluting it with water to make posca “effectively doubled the volume of liquid ration given to the soldiers at a very low cost,” observes Roth.                

There probably was something to the Romans’ belief in posca’s health benefits. The drink’s acidity and slight alcohol content would likely have neutralized bacteria, making it safer than drinking straight water. That could have been a big benefit, given that tainted water has been known to ravage armies more effectively than battle. Vinegar was also thought to help stave off that scourge of militaries throughout history—scurvy. (It doesn’t, as it turns out. But Ancient Romans were hardly the only ones to misplace faith in vinegar’s antiscorbutic virtues; as late as the mid-1800s, the US Army rationed apple cider vinegar to troops stationed in America’s southwest during the Mexican War, according to Roth.)                

Mind you, military leaders and other elites generally didn’t deign to drink posca, which was more a drink of the common people, according to Pass the Garum, a fantastic blog dedicated to exploring Roman cuisine. When Roman emperor Hadrian wanted to slum it with his soldiers, this would have been his drink of choice. As Pass the Garum notes, the ancient historian Suetonius mentions vendors selling posca on the streets during the early years of the Roman Empire. Both among soldiers and common folk, posca continued to enjoy favor well into the Middle Ages, writes Andrew Dalby, a renowned historian of Greek and Roman cuisines, in Food in the Ancient World from A to Z.

Aside from slaking Roman thirst, posca’s other main claim to fame arises from its controversial cameo in the Bible. As Jesus Christ was suffering crucifixion—or possibly just before, at Golgotha—Roman soldiers offered him sips of the stuff from a sponge held aloft with a reed, according to Matthew 27:48. Depending on the interpretation, they did this either to help lessen his anguish or to needle him, notes Phillips. Whatever the case, Jesus wasn’t having it. “After tasting the posca, Christ refused to drink it,” writes Phillips.            So what did posca taste like? It’s a little hard to say. Due to its ubiquity in Roman literature of the day, we can safely conclude that it involved some ratio of water and red wine vinegar. But might it also have featured other flavors? History isn’t very helpful on that score, since no Roman posca recipes exist.                

Thanks to Byzantine medical writers, however, we’re not totally in the dark. Aëtius of Amida and Paul of Aegina, both Byzantine Greek physicians of the sixth and seventh centuries, respectively, included recipes for a “palatable and laxative” posca that included cumin, fennel seed, celery seed, anise, thyme, and salt, according to another book by Dalby, Tastes of Byzantium: The Cuisine of a Legendary Empire. (However, Dalby complicates the matter somewhat by noting that the word they used, the Greek loanword phouska, may by that time have become a catchall term for second-rate wine substitutes.)                

Adding herbs and sweeteners push posca in the direction of more familiar old school vinegar-based drinks like switchel, sekanjabin, and shrub. Throw in salt, and you have the combo of carbohydrates and sodium used in Gatorade and other modern sports drinks that help you recover the water and salts lost during exercise (or from simply sweating a lot). That makes sense: tromping around Europe and Asia Minor while saddled with armor and packs was undoubtedly sweaty work.                

As for modern-day perspirers, why buy commercial sports drinks to slake your thirst when you can make the Gatorade of the ancients? While the scribes of antiquity haven’t left us a lot to go on, that hasn’t stopped food bloggers and Roman enthusiasts—and me—from trying. For anyone wanting to join in, here are a few recipes and guidelines to get your started. Make sure to use brewed vinegar only—red wine, black, balsamic, or apple cider, for example—and not distilled.                

Though we have only the faintest hint that posca was sweetened, lots of recipes call for honey—like ”Sharp-but-sweet Posca” from Pass the Garum:                

2 tbsp red wine vinegar

250ml water

1 tbsp honey

According to this recipe, honey should first be melted in the microwave for about 20 seconds, and then added to the water and stirred. Then add the vinegar.        

 If you want something a little “sharper,” this recipe, from the site Romae Vitam, calls for a much higher proportion of vinegar to water, as well as crushed coriander seeds:                

1.5 cups of red wine vinegar

0.5 cups of honey

1 tablespoon of crushed coriander seed

4 cups of water

The recipe calls for boiling the honey and letting it cool before combining. Also, make sure to strain out the crushed coriander before drinking.                

My own posca–making is guided not by zeal for ancient Rome, but, rather, because I’m really thirsty. So while my concoction was inspired by what I learned from a lecture on ancient Roman cuisine a few years back, it has since strayed from the more authentic recipes listed above. I’ll still use diluted apple cider vinegar, if it’s handy, but I’ll sometimes go with homemade kombucha. And instead of honey, I prefer a glug of maple syrup (less messy). Also, usually, a little salt. And definitely a ton of ice. I’m not sure if you can still call that posca. But whatever it is, on a hot day, it sure hits the spot.

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/my-favorite-beverage-is-a-2-000-year-old-energy-drink-from-ancient-rome?utm_source=pocket-newtab

[uncheckedtomfoolery]

A bit of history

As some people reading this blog already know, I like history altogether too much. I’ve decided to ramble on a bit today, because if I’ve got nothing better to do, you better believe I’m going to do my best to waste your time as well. Today’s topic: Comedy. Now, it’s obviously very silly to assume that the concept of ‘funny things are good, make with the laughs’ is unique to any one place or time, so I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’ll be looking at how the word and all the associations that come with it. If you’ve ever wondered how deep the rabbit hole goes for perfectly mundane words and concepts, read on. If, on the other hand, you don’t care about this... Well, let me be the first to congratulate you on being a significantly more interesting person than the author.

The origins go back, perhaps unsurprisingly, to greek theatre. It also wasn’t quite what we would recognise today. For one, comedy wasn’t any less respectable than serious stories (generally filed as ‘tragedies’, a broader category than it is today). It could also have serious bits in it, though many were, yes, extremely silly. Beyond that, though, comedy was always trying to say something, and almost invariably trying to stay current. It would poke fun at current events, major philosophers, and other prominent people. It was, more or less without exception, satire. Oh, and a lot of it specifically called out or mocked other playwrights, so that was a thing. Real classy behaviour, that. At any rate, it was actually the primary medium through which any criticism of current events, politics, society and so on was achieved. Tragedy liked to make some big points too, sure. Those were mostly about the gods and theoretical moral quandries, though (or enforcing existing accepted moral messages). For the American audience (most of you, because let’s face it, this is the internet), a decent comparison is probably what little I’ve seen of the Daily Show or something, albeit as narrative-based comedy instead. You get the idea, though, hopefully? It’s not really what we’d think of today! But wait, where does the term ‘satire’ come from, then? Well, in between acts of tragedies, during interludes, you’d have something to lighten the mood and pick people up a bit before the next act, to avoid audience burnout. Actors would march between the aisles performing all manner of music and ridiculous slapstick, usually in goofy costumes. This was known as a satyr play, something fairly short that would only go on between acts (think ad break, I guess), presumably named after the fact that satyrs are well known for all sorts of drunken flailing. This was also called ‘low comedy’ in later years, and sometimes, sure, you’d get performances that were basically just this. In other words, satire became comedy, and the goofy slapstick is now the word origin for satire but unconnected in content. Hang on, though. It goes further. Back in Athens (I say ‘Greece’ as a bad habit, but the Greek city-states are a far larger and less monolithic entity), anyone could govern, and the system in Athens was such that everyone would ideally get a turn on the city council of sorts. Well, for given values of everyone, at least: Property-owning, non-slave men above a certain age. Cut them some slack, this was basically the alpha release of democracy. When everyone is society and everyone is the government, society is free to criticise basically anyone within it and also in government. Now, once Rome vacuumed up ancient Greece, and incidentally decided to absorb its culture, this changed a bit. Rome had a clear class divide between the rulers and the ruled, and this is even before they got emperors. I’m simplifying here, but this isn’t a Roman civics class, so I hope you’ll excuse speeding things along a bit. Suddenly, the people making the jokes are in one group, and those on the receiving end are on another, often higher rung of society, getting very nervous about the stuff that’s being said about them. Powerful people who get uncomfortable about jokes and criticism can, of course, make it stop. It soon becomes unwise to make that sort of joke. ...And that’s how comedy started to change. You know what upsets few to no people? Slapstick! No one feels personally attacked when a guy gets a face full of pie (unless the pie and the man are respectively labeled ‘societal unrest’ and ‘the senate’, in which case you carry the utter lack of subtlety essential to a political cartoonist). Alternatively, you have error-based comedy, where everything revolves around a couple misunderstandings and blunders, but everything is neatly resolved at the end, with a happy ending to boot. These two combined to form what was called New Comedy, a form that had much more in common with satyr plays if anything. The medium is successfully sanitised into something that’s not about to unduly trouble the powers that be. This is, of course, most of what stuck with us for the longest time, and defined the word since... because the western world is collectively still not over Rome. As a sidenote, in later days, for a time, ‘comedy’ just meant a story that has a happy ending. For instance, Dante’s Divine Comedy, with a pie-to-face count of exactly zero! In fact, there’s a story to that title, so let’s close with that, because it’s a bit of a funny one. What most people know is Inferno. In fact, there are (and I apologise if this seems condescending to those of you who already know) three books: Inferno, Purgatorio, Paradiso, in that order. Dante Alighieri’s approximately biblical self-insert wish-fulfillment epic was originally simply called the Comedia, as per the ‘happy ending’ meaning, adding spoilers and a criminal lack of originality to his list of sins. Divine does not actually refer to the subject matter, though. No, that’s something Giovanni Boccaccio added some years later as a descriptor; that is, to indicate that it’s really good. The fact that we call it Dante’s Divine Comedy today is awfully silly in my eyes, because it’s roughly equivalent to “Tom Clancy’s Really Cool Espionage Novel”.

[jamesharringtoncreativeworks]

Hi Jim,

  I read a few of your other pieces about character creation and was hoping you could expand more upon how you create a character based on a historical person. I’m trying to do something similar right now, and am really having a hard time. You said that you wanted the character to be as close to the historical person as humanly possible, so I just wanted to know how you accomplished that.

Thanks, Danny

Danny,

I don’t know how much more I can say on the subject without retracing what I’ve already said, but I’ll do my best. In my writings, I’ve incorporated a few historical people as main characters… Let’s take a look at them.

  From left to right, Federico II Gonzaga, Pope Leo X, and Mary Jane Kelly.

Each of these characters presented their own problems in character creation and each had different levels of detail.

Federico and Pope Leo X were both portrayed in Divinity, and for those who have read it, Divinity is basically a story criticizing the church of that time, and by default, institutional religion in general.

Basically, I wanted to show the problems with blind adherence to strict interpretations of doctrine that was, in my opinion anyway, used way outside of its purpose. To do this, I posed the question; What would happen if an angel appeared in 16th Century Europe? What would happen if she were wounded and in need of help? How would people react to what she had to say or how she behaved? Would they take her in and help her, or would they fall back on what they’d been taught, not considering that those teachings might be wrong, and thus assume that she was actually a demonic presence?

To frame the story, I needed to choose the right time period and the right church leader. Yes, the Pope was a villain in the book. I wanted to be careful as I didn’t want to portray someone in a negative light who didn’t deserve it. There were plenty of Popes from the time period I had in mind that did their jobs and were, on a scale, considered benevolent.

Pope Leo X shows up on many of the ‘Worst Popes’ lists out there. He’s was extremely indulgent, driving the church deeply into debt, and then prayed on the ignorance of the faithful in order to sell indulgences to pay down that debt. He was not a priest and he’d had his hands very deep in the pockets of politics of the time.

My portrayal of him is based on that. I presented Leo X as a man who would view an angel potentially going around countering the teachings of the church as dangerous. Especially given that this was a time when the Protestant Reformation was really taking off. Other than his dealings with the church and some backstory of growing up as a member of the Medici family, there isn’t much on his personality traits. So basically, I had to envision what someone would be like who made the decisions he did. What I came up with was an intelligent, well-spoken individual, who was, unfortunately, too easily seduced by power and luxury. He lived by the silver spoon and would go to great lengths to preserve his way of life.

Federico II Gonzaga is a lot more complicated. Aside from allowing the armies of the Holy Roman Empire to pass through his land unmolested, and sack Rome, there really isn’t much on him. I had to dig a little deeper to find more info on him. He was somewhat subversive and underhanded at times, and he had very poor military experience. He essentially was a young man who was thrown into a role he was not equipped to handle. He was deep in the politics of the church, however, given a more passive nature and his manipulation of the system, I was able to portray him a little bit more as a skeptic of what was going on around him.

The lack of information on the personalities of people from several hundred years ago is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, with limited information, you have a lot more freedom. However, if you value history the way I do, you have a responsibility to dig as deep as you can and uncover every scrap of information you can find to make sure you get the character right… and even then you’re more than likely way off.

So let’s take a look at Mary Jane Kelly. (Spoiler Alerts for Soul Siphon. If you don’t want to know about Mary Jane’s character yet, skip ahead.)

Now… obviously I took a LOT of dramatic licenses here… If you don’t believe me… these three pictures portray the same person:

  Mary Kelly was a little easier to deal with for a few reasons;

Outside of her death, she was a relatively insignificant person on the stage of history and it’s likely that her name wouldn’t show up in any historical texts otherwise.

We do have historical accounts of her personality. However, those accounts are based on hearsay and the testimony of a few people who knew her. A lot of it was based on conflicting stories that she herself had told. So there you can pick and choose which ones sound feasible and which ones do not. Example: According to her, she had a brother in the military. This is likely. A lot of people served back then. On the other side, she also has a number of brothers… I think the number was 7. Arguably less likely, especially from the same mother. Not helping matters was that sometimes it was 7, sometimes it was 2 or 3, or sometimes just one and a sister. Needless to say, I kind of dismissed that.

I wasn’t going to portray her as she was back then. My character was the historical person, still alive in the 21st Century. In other words, she’d have 150 years of new experiences and development.

So here’s essentially what I did with her. From what historical accounts we can find on her, she was an Irish-born brothel worker with a sharp tongue. She was known for being quarrelsome and had earned the title of ‘Black Mary’,  which suggests that she knew how to handle herself in a dangerous neighborhood. She was also known for getting drunk and singing Irish folk and patriotic songs… so perhaps I could add some of the cultural characterizations and stereotypes to her behavior. I also based some of her personality on my own experiences with Irish culture, people I’ve encountered, and friends I have from the homeland itself.

So with that information, I was able to build the character personality around those traits and behaviors. However, that original build would have been appropriate for portraying Mary Kelly as she was during the late 1800s. I had an additional hurdle to overcome with her in that she was going to have an additional 150 years of development.

So what would a character like that be like? Well contending with immortality, having to watch friends die, as well as having full memory of her murder, I tried to create a character who voluntarily isolated herself from the rest of the team and shies away from forming bonds out of a fear of loss or abandonment. I then created a backstory where she spent years protecting other prostitutes and brothel workers. When she finally located Jack the Ripper himself, she set out to kill him, only to lose her chance when he attempted to escape to American and drown when his ship wrecked. She later discovered that her failure to catch him sooner resulted in more deaths at his hands.

I used that backstory, coupled with the harsh life she lived, to create a bitter character who was justifiably mad at the world. So when our hero meets Mary, she’s harsh, rude, and extremely condescending. She continuously objects to the main character joining the team and gives him a wide berth. I’ve gotten emails from people who read her character and ask why she’s so mean… and I always smile because I can usually tell where they are in the story.

Truthfully, readers aren’t meant to like Mary at first. I’d actually understand if they didn’t like Mary at all. However, I did want people to understand her. I wanted to make a character that wouldn’t necessarily change, but people would at least grow to understand and even empathize with. You may not like her abrasive personality or attitude, but at least you’d develop an understanding of how she got that way in the first place.

So in the end, the major hurdle is whether or not these people would actually be like the characters I created. Honestly, I have no idea. I used their historical profiles and what personality traits I could find to build a character that is as close as anyone could reasonably get without actually knowing the person. That being said, I fully recognize that I could be completely off. One, because as I said, I never met these people. Two, because I’m exposing them to fictional situations. Given that, it would be impossible to predict how they would react, even from someone who knew them personally.

So I guess in the end, my advice is simply to be careful. Do your due diligence and… I’d personally avoid anyone living or recently deceased. It’s true that you can’t slander the dead, but you’d be surprised at the legal loopholing a famous person’s family can do if desired. If that’s what you want to do though, I’d contact a lawyer first to see what your options are and what you should or should not consider saying about said person.

If they’re from an ancient time period, any surviving family members would have a much harder time making a case against you, and many would first have to be able to trace their line back to said person which isn’t always easy to do in a way that would be accepted by most legal systems.

Anyway, I hope this helps, but let’s open it up to the readers. Does anyone else in the WordPress community have experiences with creating a character from a historical person? Feel free to share your experiences and the steps you took in creating said character in the comments.

Thanks, Jim

  Readers,

Do you have a question about writing, publishing, my stories, etc? Please feel free to post a comment or email me.

jimthewritingwizard@gmail.com

I’ll use those comments to select my next blog post.

I have been writing for several years, have 4 published works, experience with publishing and independent work, so I can hopefully be of assistance.

Please note, I only do one of these a day and will do my best to respond to everyone, but it may take some time.

Also, feel free to check out my works of Fantasy and Historical Fiction, Available on Amazon and where ever books are sold. See the link below:

http://www.amazon.com/James-Harrington/e/B00P7FBXTU

Note: If you have read my books, PLEASE log into Amazon and post a review. I really love to hear everyone’s thoughts and constructive criticisms. Reviews help get my book attention and word of mouth is everything in this business!

Thanks friends!

Catch you on the flip side!

-Jim

The Hurdles of Creating Characters from People of History Hi Jim, I read a few of your other pieces about character creation and was hoping you could expand more upon how you create a character based on a historical person.

[ecotone99]

[SF] The Gulf | Ep. 6: Prison Island New Year

Murder.

Elijah is here awaiting trial for the premeditated murder-for-hire plot of his friend and former chief of staff, Ben Rupert.

The news broke the day after he arrived here. It’s the biggest story since I-can’t-remember-when.

“Why would they let him come here?!” I practically shout. “I thought they weren’t supposed to allow murderers in class-three confinement!”

I’m at Eric’s cabin, and tonight I insisted on the hard stuff. I’m a few shots in, and cradling a mug of beer. Eric is being a good sport about it, trying to calm me down.

“Just remember, he’s not a murderer yet. He’s innocent until proven guilty.”

I give Eric a sharp look.

“It is a little strange,” Eric admits. “It’s the first I’ve seen them let an accused murderer book a cabin and roam the island freely. I guess wealth does come with some perks.”

“And why does he get so much time to prepare for trial? I got less than twelve hours for mine.”

“A, they always give more time to prepare in serious cases. B, you really should have insisted on representation at your hearing. Sounds like you basically got railroaded… a good lawyer would have got an extension to prepare an argument, find some good precedent, and probably could have kept you out of confinement while you paid your debt. Then again the odds were stacked against you with a guy like Francesco. But still, you probably could have got the release threshold down to five or ten grand–”

“Can you just let me vent?” I ask. But I know the truth is, he can’t. He really can’t help but look at things from a logical, rational perspective. That’s actually why I like spending time with him. But right now, I could do without it.

Eric flashes a sympathetic smile. “Look, it’s a big island, just avoid him.”

“He’s two cabins down from me!”

“Lock your door at night.”

“I love how not getting attacked is my problem. Talk about blaming the victim.”

Eric shrugs. “You’re right. That’s not fair. And it’s also the natural state of the world. Getting struck by lightning isn’t fair. It’s not your fault. And you don’t deserve it. But you still shouldn’t stand in a field during a lightning storm.”

“But-” I start.

Eric interrupts, “I know you aren’t ‘standing in a field.’ But you can’t reason with predators anymore than you can reason with lightning.”

Eric gets up and fumbles around in some drawers. He drops a set of brass knuckles which thud on the wooden table.

I look at him skeptically.

“What? If you’re actually concerned, you should be prepared to protect yourself.”

“Aren’t weapons prohibited here?” I ask sheepishly.

“Yeah, and so is alcohol. Besides this isn’t a weapon, it’s jewelry, four rings all joined together.”

I smirk, and pick up the knuckles. They are even heavier than I expected. They look hand pounded, like an ancient Roman cuff bracelet a warrior might wear.

“Where did you get these anyway? Don’t they search packages?”

“I’ve gone through a lot of hobbies here. This was the metalworking phase about six or seven years ago. You’ve already drank out of a pounded copper mug from the same era.”

“Well thanks. I guess it can’t hurt to have the option,” I say. And it does make me feel better.

“Better to have them and not need them, than need them and not have them,” Eric says.

On video Majorie looks tired. She has bags under her eyes, and without the usual smile she’s lost her glow. I avoid the subject for a couple minutes… but we both know it’s coming.

“So, how’s the new roommate?” She asks, forcing a smile.

“I was pretty shocked to see him. Do you think he did it?”

Majorie looks away, and blows air out of her mouth in a long sigh, “I don’t know. I’m having a tough time thinking of a motive… at least one that is strong enough for murder.”

“What about the video of Ben jumping off the building,” I ask, “They must know it was a fake if they arrested Elijah.”

“That’s the thing… I don’t think they actually have enough evidence. Rumors have started getting out that it wasn’t a suicide. The task force got pressure from Gulf Sails to clear it up. I mean it’s the first murder on Gulf Sails in, what, a decade?”

“So if they could prove it was a deep fake, then they would have something solid on Elijah?”

“Well yeah, it was Elijah’s people who turned over the video in the first place. So if they could prove it was faked that would at least give them another path to go down for the investigation.”

“You mean they could put pressure on his underlings to start talking?”

Majorie shrugs, clear her throats, and says, “I guess that’s the theory.”

“Can you send me the video?”

“Why?” she asks reflexively.

“Well, I’ve been working on something ever since you told me about the technology they use to analyze deep fakes. They look at it forensically, the files, the meta-data, down to the ones and zeros. They’re trying to see if anything has been altered, added, or tweaked. But it’s almost impossible to tell, that’s the entire point of the deep fakes. What they should be doing is looking at the outputs.”

“Well isn’t that the entire point of deep fakes, that the outputs look real?” Majorie asks.

“Of course, they look and sound real to humans. And everything at the chip level looks real enough to the technology analyzing it. But I had a hypothesis that when you analyze the outputs, there would be a slight difference between real and fake videos.

“I was rewatching some old movies to write about on my blog. The special effects used to be really bad, you can see the cuts in the film, the model cities for explosions, the impossible ninja moves, that sort of thing. But over time they got better and better. It looked almost real… until the directors would go too far and start making it look fake again because their ideas outpaced the technology.

“It’s like they were getting close to reality, never quite syncing up, and then passing back into the absurd. Then they would make the effects better and better again until they were back for another shot at the real thing.

“So I decided to test my hypothesis, that given enough data, there would be unique patterns for deep fakes versus real videos. I put together two databases, one with unaltered videos and one with known fakes. I coded a basic program to analyze and plot things like voice, posture, gait, movement, and just graph it out.

“Both of them, the real and the fake videos, look like a mess when graphed out. You get nothing from just looking at them. But when you overlay the plots, you start getting a picture of the differences. The deep fake plots aren’t as tight, they are more jerky, with sharper edges, and the real ones are much smoother in general.

“To be fair, you would need a lot more data and a better analyzer and grapher to really build a decent program. But I asked my friend Brenton to create a random mix of ten fake and ten real videos to test. I analyzed them, and got 90% accuracy, just by comparing the two graphs with the naked eye. I’m sure if I can write analyzing script I can get it even more accurate.”

Majorie’s mouth is hanging open and she’s looking at me like I just seamlessly landed a triple back handspring.

“Dege. This is amazing. I had no idea you knew how to do all this.”

“What?” I laugh, “No, it’s all pretty basic. Anyone could have done it. The code is really rudimentary, and–”

“Well, no one else did do it. Is there any way you can send me the program?

“I feel like it would be a lot easier to just send me the video. It’s not one nice cohesive program right now. There are a lot of moving parts I haven’t uploaded to the cloud yet.”

“Yeah, hmm… I just don’t think I can send you the video with the prison surveillance. I don’t want to overstep my bounds with the investigators.”

“If they want your help, seems like they wouldn’t mind? Well anyway, let me see if I can get the program glued together a little better, and more user-friendly.”

“That would be amazing! Um… in the meantime… Are you looking for extra work?” Majorie asks.

“What do you mean?”

“I have all these clients who send me video evidence. It’s not like your program would hold up in arbitration or anything. But it would at least give me insight into which of my clients are sending me fake evidence, which are being tricked themselves, and who is worth my time.”

“Yeah… sure, I would love to help.”

“Great,” she says, “I have about 15 I can send you now to get started, and pay per analysis? Maybe if your program is good enough we can get you out of there much sooner,” she winks.

The hair on the back of my neck pricks up a second before I hear his voice.

“The whole world has gone mad, Dege.”

Elijah takes a seat on my rock wall, looking out towards the ocean. I am working out on my deck, enjoying the cooler evening hours when the sun has dipped below the island’s horizon. I reach into my pocket and slip my fingers into the brass knuckles I’ve been carrying around. The cold metal takes some heat out of my elevated heart rate, like a stress ball.

Elijah is waiting for me to respond, but I don’t. Not sure what I would say even if I wanted to. Seconds pass. Finally he looks my way.

“You don’t believe the whole thing do you?” he asks, incredulously.

“I haven’t given it much thought,” I lie.

“It’s a smear, a desperate attempt to take down someone successful. It has the whole city divided. My supporters are fleeing, taking their platforms to dock at Paradisia, or elsewhere. A whole contingent linked their platforms into another community as a protest.

“Gulf Sails is just so desperate to take the blame for poor Ben’s death off them. They are willing to send an innocent man to prison because of social pressure!”

He keeps pausing to see if I have anything to say. Then he continues stream of consciousness style, like he’s thinking out loud.

“But they miscalculated. That was the real breaking point. People won’t put up with it! They won’t. The way they handled this from the getgo just reeks of corruption. You know the chief investigator they hired has ties to competitors of mine?”

He looks at me, expectantly, waiting for an answer.

“I didn’t know that,” I say monotone, pretending not to be interested, but the truth is I am making a mental note to look into that later.

“Why would I murder one of my best friends?” He scoffs, looking back to the ocean. “It is a cleverly orchestrated smear that I will be cleared of in just a matter of weeks.”

When he says “weeks” I swear I hear his voice crack. Elijah clears his throat.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” Elijah says, looking back to me. “Ben was being extorted by a high up Gulf Sails executive. That’s why he killed himself. Don’t believe me, just keep an eye on the news. It was getting out into the public, that’s why they moved on me with no evidence whatsoever, so they could get the drop on the news cycle. That’s what this is all about. Apparently these days justice is whatever the public believes!”

There’s something in Elijah’s eyes… I think he’s worried.

Suppose he is lying, and this all comes crashing down on him while he’s still here in pretrial detention. He realizes he’s going to be confined for the rest of his life. He thinks, might as well get my kicks in while I have the opportunity.

I’m actually concerned under those circumstance that he might try to rape me, if he has nothing to lose. I don’t know, maybe I’m just freaking myself out, maybe he was just drunk and displaying a fucked up sense of humor at the club in Barracuda on Halloween.

But it’s boring into my mind the insanity that I even have to consider such a course of events.

“I brought you something,” I say to George. Christmas is approaching, and I was feeling the holiday spirit. I’m still curious as to my connection with George, if we really are family. But another part of me just wants to break down this barrier.

I hold out the bottle to him.

“What, some of Eric’s whiskey?”

“I worked for it.”

“Well la-dee-da, why are you giving it to me?”

“I was just thinking about what you told me before… how trade breaks down barriers.”

“Trade,” He says sternly. “So it’s not a gift then? Call me cynical, but as I suspect of any gift, it’s not actually free, eh?”

“I… well… no, just… maybe just, like, don’t be such a hard-ass all the time?”

“Not worth it,” he says, and starts to head in.

“Wait! Fine, yes, it’s not a gift. But maybe you would be willing to trade this bottle of whiskey for another history lesson?”

“You can read about it on the internet cheaper.”

“It’s the analysis that’s valuable…” I say. “As much as I searched, I couldn’t find any sources that talked about the far-reaching economic effects of interracial fucking.”

I think I just managed to get a smirk out of him, but he hides it well, clears his throat, and puts back on his gruff look.

George stares at me for a while. “Alright come on, kid. It’s been a while since I’ve got to preach my opinions on the collapse of the USA.”

He’s still a dick to me the entire time we talk history. He makes me feel really stupid sometimes, and practically yells at me for asking apparently dumb questions.

But if I look at it from a comical perspective, like is this guy seriously this salty, I can handle it. I think the shots he keeps pouring me helps as well. Holy shit this guy can put them down.

“No, fuck that bullshit nation-state nostalgia,” he practically shouts as we are closing in on finishing the bottle. “It was the same in the city-states of Machiavelli-era Italy as it is now. A shitload of small conflicts still result in far less death and destruction than the large global catastrophes that empires create!”

I hold my hands up, “I’m not arguing, I was just asking a question. Seems like the big governments existed for a reason.”

“Yeah, for the same reason gangs exist. To wield power through violence! And in the process they plant some flowers and make sure no one else beats you up, so stupid people can’t imagine living in a flowerless, violent world.”

George flops into his seat, and finishes the rest of the bottle. “And it looks like you’re all out of learning tokens,” he says, slamming the bottle back to the table. “Kindly make your way to the exit, thank you for participating in George’s history lesson.”

It’s weird without all the festivities leading up to Christmas that typically happen living at home. It’s the type of stuff that I always grudgingly took part in… but now I miss.

My family does come to visit on Christmas, which is really nice of them to change their plans to spend time with me.

I hug my parents, and even go in for a hug with my little brother. While in the embrace, he makes sure to remind me, “You’re a disgrace to us all. You’ve shamed the family, and brought dishonor on our house.”

“Great to see you too Raji.”

And honestly, it is. I miss his stupid, sarcastic, peevish sense of humor.

My dad opens up a little. I think he is proud that I am living on my own, entertaining guests, and working hard.

The conversation takes a strange turn after the mulled wine and rum cake dessert.

“You really should get into spa culture, Dege. Well… maybe not on a prison island.”

“It’s always been a little too homoerotic for my tastes,” I say.

“Well the lab test put me somewhere between 32 and 36% homosexual. So maybe that’s my outlet… if you believe it’s genetics.”

“Wow, that’s pretty gay dad,” Raji says.

My dad scoffs, “You should see your mother’s-”

“Ollie! Those results are meant to be kept private.” My mom scolds. “I could sue you for telling them.”

She’s kind of joking, but it is technically true. And she’d probably win something small.

Then it’s New Years 2100 and it might be the worst day of my life. I tried to talk to Majorie, but she was busy.

I video chat with Craig and Dean for the first time since I asked Dean for the money to keep me out of here. I already apologized in a text for putting him in that position, and since then he’s reached out every week or so. He even offered to mentor me to help me make the money quicker.

They are getting ready to go out for the night, with a few other friends. They link me in to the big screen, and I get the full view of the living room, with all the festivities.

It’s too painful. I manage to keep up my happy appearance for a few toasts. But even though I have my drink on my side, there’s an energy I can’t tap into. It’s just not the same being on the other side of a screen.

I’m exhausted after only a few minutes, using every ounce of energy to make sure I don’t infect their mood with my crushing disappointment at being left out of the turn of the century festivities. I sign off quickly.

This sucks. The day I have been dreaming about for my entire life, slipping away.

After marinating in my own pity for a while, I head to Eric’s. Then we both walk over to the main pavilion where the big party is for the night.

The female prisoners from the other island are here visiting for the New Year’s Eve party. And to my shock, some of them are pretty attractive. I didn’t bother to go to any of the meetups when they came before.

I’m not sure why I assumed they would all be ugly… I think I was too influenced by old movies and TV shows about prison.

The post nation-state world just hasn’t left its mark on popular culture as intensely yet. I suppose that’s because there is less of a concerted effort to push one particular narrative. And now I realize I sound like George…

A young woman comes up to me and pulls me onto the dance floor without a word.

She’s probably about my age, and is wearing a lot of eye make-up. As we dance to something electronic sounding, I start wondering what she did to get here. Probably some kind of theft or fraud. I wonder if it was to buy drugs. I’m judging her even though I’m in the exact same position.

When the song is over we have a conversation. After about 15 minutes of talking, I realize I haven’t gotten anything out of it. I’m just bored, and know a little bit more about her party-life in Florida before her asshole ex-boyfriend (read: sugar-daddy) “falsely” (I’m sure) accused her of stealing from him.

She’s pretty. Pretty enough that I wouldn’t have hesitated to pursue her in the past. I wouldn’t have cared about how mind-numbing her personality was. But now I don’t want to.

At first I assume it’s just because of Majorie, but I don’t think that’s all of it. I just don’t have the energy to be around someone like this for a night, even if the reward is great sex.

She gets the hint as my contributions to the conversation trail off. She storms off, clearly annoyed, muttering something under her breath.

“I thought I was going to have to cut in for a second there,” Elijah says as he slides up to me, on the edge of the dance floor. He’s dancing in front of me, yelling over the music.

I’m backed up against the kitchen counter bar, so I start to walk left but his hand shoots out to grab the counter, and block my exit.

“Hey man, I just want to talk,” He says, still gyrating to the music. “I mean we’re both in the same boat here.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I say, moving right instead. But he’s right in front of me, and I can’t inch away without squeezing between him and the bar. He keeps dancing, closer and closer to me as I edge my way to the right.

“Look maybe we got off on the wrong foot, but I think you have the wrong idea about me.”

“Well you’re reinforcing that idea right now!” I yell. Now I’m at the end of the counter and there is a wall in my way.

Elijah’s is smiling but he still manages to look pissed off. He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his way. I start to push past him but his arm goes to the wall, blocking my path. I break the other way, and he grabs my arm. My other hand goes reflexively to my pocket, but I didn’t bring the brass knuckles… making the mistake of thinking I’d be safe in public view.

“Didn’t you notice, Dege?” Elijah says, smile twisting, “We’ve accidentally stumbled under some mistletoe… and rules are rules.” With his free hand he grabs the back of my head to hold it in place so he can land a kiss directly on my lips.

I’m squirming away, but he is so fucking strong! Only when I feel him start to wriggle is tongue against my tightly pursed lips do I finally muster the strength to push him off balance enough to get out of his reach.

And as I storm away, wiping his saliva off my mouth, a small crowd around us actually oohs and giggles, as if I was into it! Like me pushing him off and storming away wasn’t a clear indicator that I didn’t consent to that.

“Oh, I get it now,” the girl I was dancing with cackles as I leave the pavilion

Eric is out there smoking a cigar with Brenton and Crenshaw, and stops me when he sees my face.

“This guy is so fucked up! A god-damn psychopath,” I vent to them after telling them what happened. I can barely get the words out straight, I’m still shaking with rage and embarrassment.

“Just hang with us,” Crenshaw says, “If that motherfucker comes near you again I’ll make sure his face can’t be used to sell anything but reconstructive surgery.”

And Crenshaw is big enough to fulfill that promise. He might not have the cut muscles of Elijah, but he is massive, and got his training street boxing.

Luckily (or unfortunately as I started imaging watching Crenshaw deliver a beatdown) I don’t see Elijah for the rest of the night.

And as midnight rolls around, I cheers Happy New Years with a few other cons, as fireworks blast in the distance, over the Gulf.

These ones are for us. A weak show by most standards, but at least we got any at all.

But as our short display of explosions ends, another fireworks show continues somewhere in the distance.

The explosions are so large and powerful that they mimic the rising sun on the horizon. A few seconds later the low booms follow.

It must be miles away. It’s not Barracuda, I know that, Barracuda is too far. But it might as well be. There’s someone, lots of someones, having fun out there. On their yachts or on their platforms. With family or friends. Kissing the girl or boy they love.

And then there’s me. Here. Watching from the outside. Just catching the outer susserations of their party. Whatever is extra. The bursts of lights and booms they don’t need that spill out over the ocean, and roll along it for miles.

They force you into it, force you to not quite take part, but be well aware of what you’re not involved in. Just listen, watch, know there is someone out there who isn’t you getting the full benefit of those fireworks. The champagne, the songs, the drunkenness, the camaraderie.

I wonder who the guys are kissing. What if Majorie is kissing someone?

“Stop it kid,” Eric’s voice breaks my trance. “I can see what you’re doing.”

I know he knows– if not the exact thing I was thinking, at least the rumination of things I can’t change. It does make me feel a fraction of a bit better– the validation that someone else sees what’s going on for me.

I manage a wry smile, nod to thank Eric, and turn back to the fireworks.

I’ll try to be stoic, and not bring down the mood for our prison island New Year.

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[samwisethewitch]

✨🏳️‍🌈 Deities, Saints, Crystals, and Herbs For All Your Gay Magick Needs 🏳️‍🌈✨

Note: This was originally posted on my blog, themysticbitch.wordpress.com.

Happy Pride Month, my loves! June is upon us, which means it’s all gay, all the time for the next few weeks. Being queer is a big part of my life and my identity, so I wanted to do something special for Pride. The end result was my most recent video, which you can watch here.

In that video, I try to get through a ton of information in as little time as possible, so I decided to post a written version here for anyone who wants a more solid starting point for incorporating these deities, saints, herbs, and crystals into their own practice. I’ve tried to be as inclusive as possible here — if I’ve missed something that seems obvious to you, please let me know in a comment so I can update the list!

Spiritual Patrons For LGBTQ+ Folks

Patrons For WLW:

Artemis (Greek goddess): Artemis is considered a “virgin” goddess, but it’s important to note that the word “virgin” had a different meaning in Ancient Greek culture. The one thing we know about Artemis for sure is that she was not romantically interested in men, for whatever reason. Artemis swore never to marry or have sex with a man, and she lead the Hunters of Artemis, a group of all-women warriors who spent their days hunting and roaming the forest. She is associated with the moon, archery, the forest, and the hunt. Some of her common symbols are bows and arrows, stags, hunting dogs, and the moon. She was worshiped by the Romans as Diana.

Freyja (Norse goddess): Freyja is a Scandinavian goddess of sex and sexuality, as well as sorcery, wealth, war, and death. I decided to include Freyja in this list because she is associated with sex and sexuality, especially of women, but is not associated with pregnancy or motherhood like many other sex goddesses are — her children are rarely mentioned in the surviving myths. All we know about her husband is that he was lost, leaving Freyja single for all intents and purposes. She is noted for being bold in her sexual pursuits, sleeping with whoever she pleased. She is a goddess for any woman who wants to get in touch with her femininity and sexual power, regardless of sexuality. Some of Freyja’s common symbols are gold, amber, cats, and falcons.

Saints Perpetua and Felicity (Catholic saints): Perpetua and Felicity were African Christians who were persecuted by the occupying Roman government for their faith. Perpetua was a noblewoman — Felicity was one of her slaves. The two women were arrested together and sentenced to prison — eventually they were publicly executed. Some of Perpetua’s letters to family and friends survived, so we actually have a firsthand account of her imprisonments. From these letters it is clear that Perpetua and Felicity were very close, and historians have long speculated that they may have been romantically involved. Today they are considered unofficial patron saints of same-sex couples, especially women. You can buy medals and prayer cards for both of these saints from online Catholic stores. Like all Catholic saints, they can be honored with a white candle and/or Three Kings incense (this is the incense blend used by churches).

Patrons For MLM:

Apollo (Greek god): Apollo was the twin brother of Artemis, and has a similar history with the LGBTQ+ community. The Ancient Greeks had a very fluid attitude towards sexuality, but today we would probably classify Apollo as either bisexual or pansexual. There are myths that explicitly mention him having male lovers. Apollo was very close with his sister, Artemis — perhaps an early example of MLM/WLW solidarity? Apollo is associated with the sun, prophecy, healing, and the arts, especially music and poetry. Some of his symbols include the lyre, a laurel wreath, a bow and arrow, and a python. He was also worshiped by the Romans.

Freyr (Norse god): Funnily enough, we have another brother/sister pair. Freyr was the brother of Freyja, and he shared her association with sex and abundance. Freyr was a primarily agricultural god, and was believed to bring spring rains to nourish the growing crops. One of his strongest associations was with male sexuality — in fact, he was often depicted in art with a giant, erect penis! Like his sister, Freyr was more associated with the act of sex itself than when what comes after. Freyr is an excellent god for any man looking to get in touch with his own masculine power, regardless of sexuality. Some of his symbols are a boar, a ship, and a phallus.

Saint Sebastian (Catholic saint): Saint Sebastian has long been considered an unofficial patron of gay men, and the story behind this association is a wild ride. Unlike Saints Perpetua and Felicity, there is no historical evidence that Sebastian was queer. He was a martyr, and according to legend he was executed by being bound to a tree and shot with arrows. When the Plague hit Europe, Sebastian was often called upon for protection — this was the beginning of his popularity as a saint. Baroque artists created a lot (like, A LOT) of paintings of Sebastian that depicted him as a beautiful, muscular young man, clad in a loin cloth, gazing passionately up at Heaven as he was pierced with arrows. As you might imagine, he became something of a sex symbol. In fact, Sebastian became so popular with the gay men of Italy that he had his own cult! You can buy medals, prayer cards, and candles dedicated to Saint Sebastian, and again, he can be honored with a white candle and/or Three Kings incense.

Nonbinary and Genderfluid Patrons

Loki (Norse god): Technically, Loki is a jötunn (a frost giant), not a god, although he was formerly allied with the Aesir and lived in Asgard. Loki was a shapeshifter, and was known to take female forms as well as male. In fact, he once took the form of a female horse and gave birth to a foal! Loki is probably one of the most explicit examples of a genderfluid deity in European mythology. However, some pagans choose not to work with Loki. He is sometimes considered a “negative” god because of his association with mischief and chaos, and because he ultimately betrayed the Aesir. It is up to you whether to work with him or not, although I would definitely advise you not to bring Loki into a circle with any of the Aesir.

Odin (Norse god): The common image of Odin in pop culture is of a fierce warrior-king, but this is not historically accurate. Odin was often depicted as an old man in traveler’s clothes, and he was associated with several cultural taboos. Though he is definitely identified as masculine, Odin ruled magick, which was considered feminine in Scandinavian culture — it was dishonorable for a man to practice such “woman’s work.” Odin knew that some things transcend gender, and he is a wonderful patron for anyone looking to break away from traditional gender roles. Besides magick, he rules war, strategy, death, astral travel, and knowledge. Some of Odin’s symbols are ravens, wolves, his spear, and his armband. I personally burn mugwort incense when working with Odin. He was also worshiped by Germanic and Anglo-Saxon peoples as Wodan.

Archangel Gabriel (an angel honored in Christianity, Judaism, and Islam): Gabriel is usually identified with masculine pronouns, and “Gabriel” has became a common man’s name in many countries — but in art, Archangel Gabriel is often depicted with feminine features, and sometimes even with a clearly feminine body. This is because Gabriel is strongly associated with the Divine Feminine and with feminine energy in general. Gabriel rules pregnancy and female reproductive disorders, and is responsible for the care of children. He is also associated with the moon, a common symbol of goddess energy. Angels have no true gender, so they are all androgynous in nature, but Gabriel is especially so. Because of this, he is an excellent patron for nonbinary people. Some of Gabriel’s common symbols are a trumpet, a white lily, the moon, and water. Incenses associated with him are frankincense and camphor.

Honorable Mention: Santa Muerte (Mexican deity/folk saint): Santa Muerte may not be trans, nonbinary, or genderfluid herself, but she’s a fascinating figure and deserves a place on this list. Nuestra Señora de la Santa Muerte (“Our Lady of the Holy Death”) is a personification of death, and is called on for healing and protection by her followers. What is especially interesting is that Santa Muerte is considered a protector of all outcasts from society, including all LGBTQ+ people and especially transgender people. She is even invoked in same-sex marriage ceremonies in some parts of Mexico! Her worship has recently spread to the United States, with churches dedicated to her in California and New Orleans. You can buy statues and altar candles in her image. Common incenses for honoring Santa Muerte include copal, myrrh, and rose.

UPDATE: I’ve been told that worship of Santa Muerte is part of a closed cultural tradition, and is therefore not open to people outside of Mexican and Mexican American culture. I’m leaving her in this post because I still find her story uplifting, but I do ask all of my followers to please be respectful of this beautiful goddess and her cultural roots. I think we can find hope in her role as a pro-LGBTQ+ deity, while respecting that she is not ours to worship or work with. 

Correspondences For LGBTQ+ Issues in Meditation and Spellwork

As I mentioned in one of my previous YouTube videos, magick is the act of manipulating the spiritual energy that permeates the universe. Every part of the natural world, including plants and minerals, has a different type of energy associated with it. If you want to connect with a certain energy (like the energy of romance, for example), you can surround yourself with things that correspond to that energy to make the connection easier.

A lot of the love spells that I’ve been able to find online use correspondences that have a strong association with straight romance. Obviously, some symbols are universal, but I wanted to find some correspondences that can specifically be used for manifesting same-sex romantic relationships. Here’s what my research turned up:

Correspondences For Love Between Two Women:

Rose Quartz: Rose quartz is considered the stone of unconditional love, and it can be used universally to attract love of all kinds, not just romantic. I think this crystal could be especially useful for women seeking a feminine partner, because it has a very strong feminine energy. Rose quartz is also strongly associated with self-love, and teaches us the important lesson that the best way to attract love is to start by loving ourselves. You could incorporate it into a love spell, wear it as jewelry, or meditate with it to align yourself with its loving energy.

Moonstone: Sometime’s called “the woman’s stone,” moonstone is very strongly associated with womanhood and with feminine sexuality. It is said to attract love and to increase passion in existing relationships. Unlike many other crystals associated with sex, moonstone has a very peaceful energy and can be used to calm anxiety or to soothe tense situations. Moonstone is a great stone for any woman looking to reconnect with her feminine power, or for increasing passion in an existing relationship between two women.

Violets: Violets have been associated with romantic love between women since the Ancient Greek poet Sappho of Lesbos (from whom we get the words “lesbian” and ‘sapphic”) used them as a symbol in poems dedicated to her female lover. In the Victorian era, queer women would give their lovers bouquets of violets instead of roses. (In the Victorian “language of flowers,” violets represent faithfulness.) In magick, violets are used to attract love and to increase luck in romantic endeavors. They are also edible — why not brew a violet tea and drink it as a love potion?

Correspondences For Love Between Men

Malachite: In many ways, malachite is the masculine counterpart to rose quartz. Despite its strongly masculine energy, malachite is deeply healing and works to open and unblock our heart chakra, as well as to heal any heartbreaks we may not quite have gotten over. Malachite is also considered the “salesman’s stone,” and can be used for situations where you are trying to “sell yourself” to a potential lover by giving a good first impression. Some people are afraid to use malachite because it is “toxic” — although it does contain copper, which can cause health problems if consumed in high amounts, wearing malachite or holding it against the skin is definitely not enough exposure to cause an issue. As long as you don’t eat your malachite or dissolve it in water, you will be fine.

Red Jasper: This is a wonderful stone for men looking to recharge their sexual energy, or to spice up an existing relationship. Jasper in general is associated with courage and charm, and for this reason it is often recommended to people involved in the performing arts, like actors and singers. Red jasper has a strong masculine energy, and is associated with the root chakra and our connection to the earth. Red jasper is an excellent stone to work with if you are dealing with sexual anxiety, or anxiety over being open about your sexuality. Meditate with it to feel more grounded, courageous, and stable.

Green Carnation: Although the connection between green carnation and queer men is not as ancient as the connection between violets and queer women, it is still well established. Oscar Wilde, who was openly gay, is said to have begun the trend of wearing a green carnation as a signal that he was seeking a man as a lover. Other men in Victorian England began to follow the trend, and the association still stands. In magick, carnation is said to enhance creativity and magickal power. Since it acts as an amplifier for other magickal energies, a green carnation can make any love spell more effective, especially for men seeking men.

Crystals and Herbs For Trans and Nonbinary Folks

Note: I said this in my video, but I feel like it bears repeating here — magick is not a replacement for mental healthcare. If you are struggling with gender dysphoria, I strongly encourage you to seek professional counseling if at all possible. None of the herbs, crystals, or spells mentioned below (or anywhere in this post) are intended as a replacement for medical or psychiatric treatment. If you are already taking medication of any kind, be sure to research potential interactions before ingesting any herb for magic or holistic purposes.

Chrysocolla (for trans and nb women): I first learned about chrysocolla from an episode of the Fat Feminist Witch podcast called “Not Every Goddess Has a Sacred Womb.” That episode discussed issues with equating womanhood to motherhood (or even just to having a uterus), and chrysocolla was brought up as a crystal with strong feminine energy that wasn’t tied to uterine health. This is a great stone to meditate with to get in touch with your own goddess energy, without any biological associations. Chrysocolla is also strongly associated with new beginnings, which may make it a useful spiritual tool for anyone who is just coming out of the closet.

Green Tourmaline (for trans and nb men): Much like malachite, green tourmaline is strongly associated both with masculine energy and with the heart chakra. It is a stone of masculine authority, and can be used either to get in touch with your own power or to help in overcoming emotional issues related to a father figure in your past. Tourmaline in general is said to convert negative energy into positive, which makes it ideal for overcoming any difficult situation.

Damiana (for trans and nb men AND women): Known by the scientific name Turnera diffusa, damiana is currently being clinically studied for its ability to balance hormones in all sexes. In holistic healing, damiana is commonly used to treat sexual problems — this is another one that may be useful for increasing sexual confidence. It is also said to help relieve anxiety and to decrease stress. Damiana is available both as herbal supplements and as a tea.

Angelica or Dong Quai (for trans and nb women): These are two different names for Angelica sinensis, which has been used in folk medicine for hundreds of years. It is often used to relieve symptoms of menopause because it increases estrogen levels when taken regularly. Angelica is also a powerful magickal herb, and is popular in American folk magick. It is sometimes associated with Archangel Gabriel, who I mentioned earlier, and is used for protection and healing. Angelica is available in teas and supplements, though it is usually marketed as “dong quai” in these forms.

Ginger (for trans and nb men): Lab studies found that ginger significantly increased testosterone levels in male rats. Human studies are still underway, but the research that has been done indicates similar benefits for humans. In magick, ginger is considered a magickal “power up” of sorts, and is often added to spells to add power or to speed up results. You can use ginger to increase your own masculine power, and to infuse yourself with a little bit of its sweet and spicy energy. Ginger is available both as a supplement and in teas, and of course it can be used in cooking.

This ended up being a way bigger project than I originally planned, but my research turned up so much good information that I wanted to share. I hope that some of this is helpful to all of my fellow gay witches out there, and I hope that you all have a magickal and blessed Pride Month.

P.S. I’ve actually written three different love spells based on this research. One is for men seeking men, one is for women seeking women, and one is for people who either don’t associate strongly with any one gender or don’t care about the gender of their partner. I was going to include those spells in this post but after seeing just how much info I had to cram in, I decided to give them their own post. You can find those spells here.

[crimsonbreeze]

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Terry David “Butch/Butch Naked” Silvercloud

"Step aside!  I shall perform the necessary heroics"  Comic Book Guy/The Simpsons

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T. S. Eliot

....... The DAILY GRIND.....  what's up today.

11.4 Million photo views, to date at http://ButchNaked.com.  Thank you.

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Now keep reading.

Sunday, 26 November, 2017.  Cool and grey in Vancouver.  The day began with sun but the clouds moved in by 10am, raining by noon.

Sunday is my day of rest... a day I don't exercise on purpose.  Staying in shape requires work... watching your diet and regular exercise.  I do sit ups, toe touching, and light weights... 8lb dumb bells.  I'm 73 and it is work but, no pain no gain.

I'm still trying to do selfies each day to record my body and try to get a boner shot or two in the mix.  A guy's bone becomes less co-operative after about age 25 so it's easier at certain times of day than others.  I love sex and blowing my load and make no apologies for being sexual.  Humans are animal in nature and should learn to appreciate our animal instincts and feelings... including sex.  Masturbation is good for a boy's prostate so blow your load regularly... make room for fresh sperm.

Some guys are circumcised and some aren't... it's not usually the guy's decision about those things.  If you are Jewish or Muslim, you will be snipped when you are very young and won't remember the snipping.  Since about a third of the world's population is Jewish or Muslim we can assume about one in three guys are snipped and it's mostly Asians who are uncircumcised as well as Roman Catholics living in Africa or South America.

Most boys in America were snipped in the past century until lately.  Since the 1980's fewer western boys have their foreskins removed as a child and we now have large numbers of uncircumcised men in the Western World.  That is not really a problem except that almost none of the uncircumcised boys were ever taught how to care for their uncut dicks... there are some pretty dirty, smelly and ugly penises out there.

The object of circumcision was about health and identity... a sign of one's faith.  Women didn't count in those days... they were for childbearing purposes and looking after the home.  I mention this because you may be one of those uncut guys who was never taught to look after you weenie and keep it clean... also pull back the foreskin when young or you will have permanent problems with it... your foreskin must be able to be retracted.  If it doesn't you should have a chat with your doctor about that issue... it is an issue.

Today's lesson:  I hate religions... all of them.  Nothing is eviler than religion.  Today I want to mention Islam and Alexander the Great.  Alexander is called Dhul-Qarayn in the Qu'ran and he appears in book 18:84.  The problem is that Alexander is described as somebody who seems to have worshiped a single 'god' or was somehow blessed by "God".  Anyone who knows anything about the Ancient Greeks will know that they had multiple 'gods'.  Alexander was noted, however, for tolerance of other people's faiths and did support the Jews to the point he had Alexandria built as a refuge for them.  Why Alexander is mentioned, at all, in the Qu'ran is a kind of mystery and there is no evidence he ever supported one religion over another, nor that he worshipped any 'god' at all.

That Alexander is a bit hazy in the Qu'ran is no surprise... he lived one thousand years BEFORE the invention of Islam.  It is interesting that he is mentioned, at all.

There is no Hell in the Old or New Testaments except as mistranslations.  Jesus never tough punishment.  Jesus taught forgiveness.  Hell was a major feature of the Qu'ran... do what you're told or burn in Hell, forever.  The Christians were quick to adopt the idea after the 12th century when they discovered Islam.  In not time, at all, people were being burned alive by self-appointed representatives of 'god' who called themselves Christians... the Roman Catholic Church.  The Roman Catholic Church is among the evilest institutions on the planet.  I said it, I mean it.  The Bible predicted that nations and kings would be fooled for a thousand years... the time of the church is over.  They shall be held accountable, their properties seized, and the teaching of religion will become a crime in the future.

"Why does God always need money?"  Bart Simpson/The Simpsons

Your HISTORY FACTOID for today.  Magellan never did sail around the world.  He tried to convert some natives to Christianity, in the Philippines, and died with a spear in his gut.  The remaining crews wanted to go back home but were afraid of the headhunters to the West.  One crew took their chances with the Head Hunters, sailed west, and eventually made it back to Portugal.  The 'fraidy cats' took the back up ship and chose to sail East, the way they came from... most died of starvation, cannibalism, and scurvy.  Magellan never did make it around the world.  Yup.  

THIS IS THE END OF THE DAILY GRIND.

.............................

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Earth travels through space like a long wave... it has NEVER, ever made an actual circle, nor ellipse, in space.  The circle/ellipse is an illusion of relativity.  Nothing can ever travel in an actual circle in space... NOTHING.  Nothing can ever go backward.  Backwards motion is an illusion of relativity.

WATCH VIDEO FOR EXPLANATION OF THE PATH OF EARTH THROUGH SPACE.  Earth moves about 7 billion kilometers through space, each year... in a long wave.  Earth NEVER returns to where it was before.  Earth is NOT an island in space... one of the reasons why time travel is impossible.  If you take a trip through space, outside the Solar System, Earth will NOT be there when you return... it will be far, far away.  You will have to return to where it will BE when you arrive... remember, it's moving very, very, very fast through space in a long wave... never a circle, or ellipse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjohZCMwmI

http://The-Shape-Of-God.Tumbler.com   Manuscript of my book... The Shape of God. Butch, himself.  Visual Artist, Photographer, Physicist (Particle, Sub/Atomic Physics/Relativity)

Inhibitions are just so inhibiting, I avoid them.

I'm a friendly, but pretty blunt, kind of guy.  No time for beating around the bush.  I like to say what I mean and mean what I say.  I'm 73 years old.  Time is not on my side.  You don't have to like me.  I'm a social recluse, anyway.  I share my life, in photos, video, and words, to let you into my life and hope to inspire you to be a productive and useful human.  I have old age issues but will continue to post, here, while I'm well and able.  I talk a lot... I'm told it's part of my OCD and ADHD.  Come direct at http://ButchNaked.com  Sign in if you wish to see me naked.

If you don't know me, the following might help you get to know what kind of person I am.  I don't expect you to understand me.  I can be a bit OCD and ADHD.

"They've already got more blowjobs than we'll ever get"  Steve Smith (American Dad), talking about college jocks.

"Now let us touch testicles and mate for life"  Alien on The Simpsons

"It never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun"  Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons.

I'm here to teach you things.  While I appreciate other people's opinions, I really don't much give a crap what anyone thinks.  Until you prove your worth, I will be nice but you have to earn my respect. The moment you say a word, I'll be figuring you out really, really fast.  You should assume that I don't trust anyone.  I've not met a single trustworthy person in my entire life.  I've met lots of nice people who aren't too bright... well-intentioned folk who know little about anything, people who are nice, most of the time until you say something that offends them.  Honourable people agree to disagree.

Look up the phrase "CRITICAL THINKING" then learn to practice it.  Most people leap before they look and judge before they listen to the facts.  Most don't have enough knowledge, nor experience, to be experts in much of anything.  You don't know what you don't know.  I like to remind you of that, often.

The only other REALLY IMPORTANT thing to know about me is that I, totally, despise all religions, the teaching of religion, and religious institutions... I despise them as the evilest things on the planet.  If you follow a religion, you CAN NOT BE MY FRIEND.   THAT'S THAT.  You are an ignorant idiot who is an ever-present danger to yourself and everyone and everything around you.  Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, is eviler than religion.  I don't stand for, nor sing, our National Anthem because it praises a fictitious and superstitious being called 'God'.  Only a brain dead moron bonehead ignorant idiot would believe such a thing.

If you have a religion, I will not associate with you... period.  You are a danger to be around.  Yes, I insult religions... they are extraordinarily evil.  I said it, I mean it.  You have a right to be an idiot, but not around me.  I have a right to defend myself against the horrors of religion and I will.  Religion is evil.  I can't say it enough times.

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You must sign in to see me naked.  You may download and share nude photos of me... go nuts. GOOGLE my name (Terry David Silvercloud or David Silvercloud) for more information.

[ttaikattalvi-blog]

[rules:  repost.  always post the rules. answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you]

Tagged by @thedalishbloodmage. Tagging everyone because I just chugged half a bottle of wine. 1) What was the last movie you saw? Was it any good? The last movie I saw in cinema was Wonder Woman. I went to go and see it with my mom, which was sort of odd—my mom and I don’t typically agree on movies and that sort of thing so we don’t often go and see them together. However, I did enjoy it. It was awfully nice to see David Thewlis in a big role again. Even though there were some flaws (nothing is perfect or exempt from analysis!), I’ll definitely watch it again and may even purchase a physical copy.

2) Is there a genre of books you like the most? What about when it comes to video games? This is an interesting question. For me, at least, it really depends on what an author is trying to accomplish. I’ve always been a voracious reader and will read nearly anything I can get my hands on. What it really boils down to whether or not the book or video game is an effective medium for whatever literature is being composed. For me, satire and world-building is incredibly ineffective when placed in a book only format. It takes a while for me to get into it, if I can manage to at all. As far as videogames go, I’m down for almost anything. My undergrad program treated their undergrads as if they were grad students and we had to essentially write thesis arguments and pick thesis projects. Mine was videogames as ultimate forms of literature and my big end project was over the original Mass Effect trilogy. My main downfall with videogames is that I’m pretty cock-eyed so I don’t have the best depth perception and I get motion sick super easy. As long as I don’t get sick, I’ll usually give any game a chance. 3) Is there something that everyone hates that you love, like a book or a movie that bombed? There are definitely movie and book and videogame characters and pairings that Tumblr seems to truly hate that I really like. However, I tend not to take Tumblr seriously on some things because I think that any and all sorts of social media sites are the worst kind of echo chambers. I mean, it doesn’t keep me from having them or using them for my own means but I’m still aware of it. I can’t really think of any books or movies off the top of my head, but what I can think of is food. I absolutely adore black licorice—-especially strong black licorice—-and salted black licorice. Some of this is likely a cultural thing, but some of it definitely isn’t. I don’t have too much of a sweet tooth, but I will down an entire package of salmiakki faster than you can blink. 4) Do you have a special hobby? If so, what is it? I tend to always need something creative to do with my hands, or I’ll get bored and get myself into trouble. Anything artistic, I probably do. I sew, crochet, draw, cosplay, paint, and so on. Lately I’ve been coloring in adult coloring books, but before I did summer school for work, I was on a drawing and colored pencil kick. 5) Outside of BioWare games, what are some of your favorites? I’ll always have a soft spot for BioWare. The first game with a campaign that I ever remember “beating” (really, my uncle beat it and handed me a mouse that wasn’t plugged in while he played because I was about four) was Bauldur’s Gate. I also love Bethesda games. Morrowind was the first big RPG that I ever really got into. I like a lot of tabletop RPGs too, but I haven’t played them in ages and likely wouldn’t remember anything. I like card and board games. As a kid, I played a lot of Reader Rabbit and Jump Start games. They were educational and since both my parents are teachers, I’m fairly certain they got them from their schools. I also played a lot of Zoo Tycoon and turn-based civilization building games, like 1602 AD and Pharoah. 6) When roleplaying, is there anything else you do like listening to music or drinking something in particular? Not particularly, no. I’ve always been more of an opportunistic writer—doing things quickly or in-between tasks. The most that can be said is that I have to be entirely comfortable and sort of in a mode where my brain is refreshing and not actually trying to work. That being said, the majority of my writing tends to come out when I’m watching something stupid on Netflix or when I’m in bed and trying to fall asleep. 7) If you could choose between mind reading and teleportation, which would you choose and why? Teleportation, definitely. I could go see friends and travel for no cost and when it was time for bed I could just go home. Also, I would have absolutely no qualms about teleporting into a bank vault and getting enough cash to pay off my student loan debt, tuition for grad school, my sister’s and parents’ student loan debt, replace my car with a decent used one, and move out or even to a different city. I would literally be a world class thief in order to pay off debt, keep myself mildly comfortable, and then likely to donate money to no-kill animal shelters and charities. 8) Do you like ancient mythology? If so, what culture is your favorite? I think it would be more appropriate to ask what I don’t like. In general, I’ve never been incredibly fond of ancient Roman or Greek mythology. I find it to be far too overdone. My favorites overall are likely Egyptian, Norse, and Slavic. There are several kinds of myths that I have an overall fondness for. I especially like mermaid and siren myths. Most kinds of mythologies have some variation on fae or elven courts, and I enjoy those as well. And, as should surprise absolutely no one, I have a huge soft spot for tricksters. 9) If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would it be and why? That’s a damn good question, and I nearly always change my mind each time I’m asked it. There are so many interesting historical figures that I would love to meet, good and bad, that I’m not sure I could choose just one. The top of the list includes more historical figures (Thoreau, Whitman, Poe, Hatshepsut, Elizabeth I, Lovecraft, Tesla, Jefferson) than live people (Rowling, Jennifer Hale). The people who I would like to meet generally are people that I would like to actually sit down and spend time with. They're people I've admired or found fascinating since I was young. There are, of course, two people who have passed in my personal life who I would give anything to see one last time. I would like to see my great grandma, who passed when I was in eighth grade, and tell her that I managed to get through college and that I have a decent job---she was so, so fond of all her grandkids and great-grandkids and she wanted to see us all go to college so badly. She was older when she went and I'm okay with that now, but she was such a nice lady and I think she'd be just so pleased. The other person I'd like to see would be my second momma who passed away from leukemia not even a year ago---I had known her since I was five and she was such a tough woman and never put up with my shit and pushed me to do my best and she was such a good, proud person. The job I had at the time wouldn't give me time off when I finally got word that she was in hospice care or when she passed and I asked to go to the funeral. She did get a college graduation invite and even though she didn't get to actually see me in person, she did get to see the live stream. I never really got to say goodbye or give her a hug or anything, and I know she basically considered me her kid. 

10) What about your blog is your favorite thing you've done?

I have a lot of headcanon that I haven't published yet. I need to get on that. There's one in particular, about elves and elvhen and footwear, that I really like.

Roleplay on Tumblr is a lot different than on other sites, which is interesting. 

I like the friends I've made on here most of all. I know that is awfully altruistic, but I do value them immensely.

11) What drew you into roleplay? What made you stay?

Honestly? I was bored.

I've been roleplaying off and on since Xanga and GaiaOnline, which is hella sad. 

As for what drew me to Solas? Honestly, when I started I hadn't even finished a playthrough where I had romanced him yet. A friend jokingly said that he and I have quite a bit in common so I started sort of as a laugh.

Joke was on me, I suppose. They were right---Solas and I do have a lot in common, which has made writing for him a deliciously difficult challenge---and I'm still here two years later. 

Don't get me wrong, I've learned a lot about myself while writing for Solas. It is immensely relaxing to write as him. Which has helped me stick around, too.

Questions:

1) who?

2) what? 

3) when?

4) where?

5) why?

6) how?

7) Lannisters or Starks?

8) Who did 9/11?

9) Tell me about it, stud.

10) How would you do it?

11) Who was phone?

[johnark]

Mother’s Day, 14 May 2017, has come and gone. It is beautiful how mothers give unconditional love to their children and most children return that love unconditionally. Mother is the doctor, teacher, nurse, cook, referee, heroine, provider, housekeeper, defender, disciplinarian - the real Superwoman. Wear your cape proudly, dear mother. A lot has been written about mothers dating back to the Greeks and Romans. Julia Ward Howe brought attention to mothers’ contribution to society in 1870 but she did not have the vision of a day like today’s Mother’s Day. The woman who had the vision, the strength, the energy, the determination and the tenaciousness was Anna Jarvis. On 8 May 1914 Congress passed a law declaring the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. On the next day President Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation declaring the first Mother’s Day. The proclamation is copied at the end of this blog. Jarvis’ relentless effort had reached a successful conclusion. But that is not the end of the story. To get to the end, we should start at the beginning. Anna Jarvis’ mother, Anna Reeves Jarvis, was a tireless advocate for women’s rights. She was a peace advocate and cared for solders on both sides of the civil war. She created Mother’s Day Work Clubs to address public health issues. When she died in 1905, her daughter, Anna, wanted to continue her work and establish a day to honor all mothers because she believed that there was no greater service to humanity than that of mothers. She chose the second Sunday in May because it was near the day her mother died. She became relentless in writing letters to governors to persuade them to declare that day as Mother’s Day. She wrote to President Theodore Roosevelt, prominent people, congressmen, anyone she thought could help with the cause. So, finally, on 8 May 1914 her dream came true. But she quickly became disillusioned by the crass commercialism that soon overwhelmed the Day. She spent decades attacking this commercialism any way that she could. She even went so far as to trademark Mother’s Day phrases. So, Anna’s life’s passion had two phases. The successful phase, creating Mother’s Day, taking aboubt nine years. The second and unsuccessful phase, taking over thirty years, was a war against the commercialism of Mother’s Day. In the 1940s with her resources dwindling, her eyesight fading, her general health ebbing, friends and associates put her in a sanitarium in West Chester PA where she died on 24 November 1948. She was no match for MassMarketAmerica. However, I think most of us overlook the crass commercialism of Mother’s Day and celebrate it just the way Anna Jarvis envisioned it.

I have always been curious as to the status mother had in our ancient, prehistoric society - when we were in the hunter - gatherer period. In the period before man knew that he had something to do with the creation of a new member of the clan. Even though she doesn’t get equal pay for equal work these days, we do hold mom in great esteem and her view of us is very important. When Warren Buffet was asked what advice he gave the presidents of the many companies he owns regarding ethics and morality in business decisions, he replied “I tell them to imagine that their mother would see their decision in the newspaper the next day.”

Every year at this time our local newspaper, Reno Gazette - Journal, gives participants the opportunity to post in the newspaper a “haiku” to their mother. Those who wish to participate in the event are encouraged to submit their haikus to the RGJ and many of them are printed in the Mother’s Day edition. A haiku is a form of poetry developed by the Japanese. The poems are three lines with a 5 - 7 - 5 syllable structure. In Japan they are usually inspired by nature. The form has been adopted and adapted by virtually every modern language. They are often inspired by nature, a moment of beauty, a poignant experience, etc. Japanese poets traditionally used haiku to capture a fleeting natural image or experience. Many Japanese people go for nature walks to find new poetry inspiration, and these walks are called ginko walks. Ginko is the Japanese word for bank. Get it? No? Well they are going to the bank seeking treasure. In this case the treasure is the new haiku. The Japanese language is very colorful in this regard, as well as very imprecise.   Perhaps the most famous Japanese haiku is by Matsuo Basho. Furuike ya                        Translation:  The old pond Kawazu tobikomu                                 a frog jumps in Mizu no oto                                           sound of water

Of course the translation does not follow the traditional structure. An example of the structure in English: very deep pow-der snow            5      a sum-mer eve-ning its deep blue sky all a-round       7      a mos-qui-to comes my way my skis make no sound              5      wham, I’m at peace again

Here are some examples from our Mother’s Day RGJ edition: Mom you are the best You shine like a diamond you are my flower                        Jeriah, 5th grader

You are the best mom you mean the world to me, mom Happy Mother’s Day                    Faithlynn, 5th grader

In good times and bad my mother’s love was constant she is my hero                              Julie Gourley

My mom, my soulmate I treasure the memories Always in my heart                      Julie Gourley

Always there for me she loved me like no other showed me how to love              Karen Rosselli

Doctor, cook, teacher hug to give, ear to listen there’s no one like mom              James Umbach

Through joy and laughter heartache, tears - a mother’s love unconditional                               Ruth VanDyke

Cancer took my mom missing you on Mother’s Day love you forever                           Franke Weintz

Somebody’s mother all alone and sad today a phone call away                        Ruth VanDyke

I will pen one myself: Her name was Mary yes, she was quite contrary we loved her anyhow        

Here are a few for fun: Adopt a highway It seemed simple enough Then the tourists came                 by Vince Nobrega

Sausage, bacon, eggs mushrooms, tomatoes, green tea Atkins breakfast joy                      by Paul Trafferd

Football is my game don’t call me on Sat or Sun TV addiction                                      

This year down the drain where did the one before go next year I’ll do it

It’s John three sixteen that’s the plan for all of us better get on board

To eat, not to eat it is a nice red apple just one little worm

To make a great stew take a limerick or two mix well with haiku

Rain, rain, go away boots leak, umbrella kaput can’t stand here all day

Bikini summer my glasses and walker, please I’ll take a good look Apple of my eye Joanne had the sweetest smile for another guy

A very loud noise started ringing from my clock who will fix breakfast

They said golden years can’t dance, can’t hear, cannot see did they pass me by

Pepperoni is ready add that to lots of cheese bits pizza is my dish

Electricity can make your hair stand on end warden told me so

You ask for my plan well, think I will save the world when I finish my beer

Basketball is fine college game has the spirit pros have the money

What do we know now baby steps forward we go where does this take us

A gentle snowfall covering everything no sound can be heard

Here’s my adaptation of Basho’s haiku to English while retaining the 5-7-5 structure:

The pond, still water A frog leaps into the air The sound of water

This precise and simple method of expression reminds me of another example of the beauty and art of brevity in expression. And that is the writer’s task of telling a story in six words. The origin or the time of origin of this art is not clear. One of the most famous is often attributed to Ernest Hemingway, however it cannot be authenticated: “For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.” Perhaps the oldest is attributed to Julius Caesar when he was a Roman general. He sent a letter to the Roman Senate in 47 BC reporting a quick victory against Pharnaces II of Pontus at the Battle of Zela: “I came. I saw. I conquered.” Of course in the original Latin it is: Veni. Vidi. Vici. I can sadly pen one regarding contemporary life where millions of people die needlessly every year. I suppose you could say by a horrible suicide: I smoked, I suffered, I died. And a horrible suffering it can be.

Here are a few others: Wrong number says a familiar voice. You’re not a good artist, Adolph Torched the haystack, found the needle. Strangers. Friends. Best friends. Lovers. Strangers. Painfully he changes is to was. Born a twin, graduated only child. We’re lying in bed. She’s lying. Sorry soldier, shoes sold in pairs. I’m beside myself. Cloning machine works. Reading for Dummies. Somehow never sold. Home early? Whose car is that? We were. And then we weren’t. You win some. You lose some. Nothing to declare. Much to remember. Three blind mice. Cat had lunch. An only son. A folded flag. Alzheimer’s advantage: new friends every day. Logged out. Pulled plug. Found life. Passengers, this isn’t your captain speaking. Being offended doesn't make you right. Left handed woman seeks Mr. Right. What’s your return policy on rings? Goodby mission control. Thanks for trying. Eventually we all face the storm. He loved, she didn’t. How typical. She loved, he didn’t. Still typical. Used vice grip. Now in hot water. THC, LSD, DUI, CPR, DOA, RIP. Wind blows. Sails fill. Journey begins.

I’ll close by returning to the haiku, 5-7-5. Remember? I salute two family members who are going to Europe for the month of June, 2017. Mikonos, Skyros Going to the Greek islands London and Paris, too

Try writing both a ‘haiku’ and a ‘six word story.’ Put your imagination and your creativity to work. You’ll enjoy it. It’ll be fun. I guarantee it.

[ecotone99]

[SF] The Gulf | Ep. 6: Prison Island New Year

Murder.

​

Elijah is here awaiting trial for the premeditated murder-for-hire plot of his friend and former chief of staff, Ben Rupert.

​

The news broke the day after he arrived here. It’s the biggest story since I-can’t-remember-when.

​

“Why would they let him come here?!” I practically shout. “I thought they weren’t supposed to allow murderers in class-three confinement!”

​

I’m at Eric’s cabin, and tonight I insisted on the hard stuff. I’m a few shots in, and cradling a mug of beer. Eric is being a good sport about it, trying to calm me down.

​

“Just remember, he’s not a murderer yet. He’s innocent until proven guilty.”

​

I give Eric a sharp look.

​

“It is a little strange,” Eric admits. “It’s the first I’ve seen them let an accused murderer book a cabin and roam the island freely. I guess wealth does come with some perks.”

​

“And why does he get so much time to prepare for trial? I got less than twelve hours for mine.”

​

“A, they always give more time to prepare in serious cases. B, you really should have insisted on representation at your hearing. Sounds like you basically got railroaded… a good lawyer would have got an extension to prepare an argument, find some good precedent, and probably could have kept you out of confinement while you paid your debt. Then again the odds were stacked against you with a guy like Francesco. But still, you probably could have got the release threshold down to five or ten grand–”

​

“Can you just let me vent?” I ask. But I know the truth is, he can’t. He really can’t help but look at things from a logical, rational perspective. That’s actually why I like spending time with him. But right now, I could do without it.

​

Eric flashes a sympathetic smile. “Look, it’s a big island, just avoid him.”

​

“He’s two cabins down from me!”

​

“Lock your door at night.”

​

“I love how not getting attacked is my problem. Talk about blaming the victim.”

​

Eric shrugs. “You’re right. That’s not fair. And it’s also the natural state of the world. Getting struck by lightning isn’t fair. It’s not your fault. And you don’t deserve it. But you still shouldn’t stand in a field during a lightning storm.”

​

“But-” I start.

​

Eric interrupts, “I know you aren’t ‘standing in a field.’ But you can’t reason with predators anymore than you can reason with lightning.”

​

Eric gets up and fumbles around in some drawers. He drops a set of brass knuckles which thud on the wooden table.

​

I look at him skeptically.

​

“What? If you’re actually concerned, you should be prepared to protect yourself.”

​

“Aren’t weapons prohibited here?” I ask sheepishly.

​

“Yeah, and so is alcohol. Besides this isn’t a weapon, it’s jewelry, four rings all joined together.”

​

I smirk, and pick up the knuckles. They are even heavier than I expected. They look hand pounded, like an ancient Roman cuff bracelet a warrior might wear.

​

“Where did you get these anyway? Don’t they search packages?”

​

“I’ve gone through a lot of hobbies here. This was the metalworking phase about six or seven years ago. You’ve already drank out of a pounded copper mug from the same era.”

​

“Well thanks. I guess it can’t hurt to have the option,” I say. And it does make me feel better.

​

“Better to have them and not need them, than need them and not have them,” Eric says.

​

On video Majorie looks tired. She has bags under her eyes, and without the usual smile she’s lost her glow. I avoid the subject for a couple minutes… but we both know it’s coming.

​

“So, how’s the new roommate?” She asks, forcing a smile.

​

“I was pretty shocked to see him. Do you think he did it?”

​

Majorie looks away, and blows air out of her mouth in a long sigh, “I don’t know. I’m having a tough time thinking of a motive… at least one that is strong enough for murder.”

​

“What about the video of Ben jumping off the building,” I ask, “They must know it was a fake if they arrested Elijah.”

​

“That’s the thing… I don’t think they actually have enough evidence. Rumors have started getting out that it wasn’t a suicide. The task force got pressure from Gulf Sails to clear it up. I mean it’s the first murder on Gulf Sails in, what, a decade?”

​

“So if they could prove it was a deep fake, then they would have something solid on Elijah?”

​

“Well yeah, it was Elijah’s people who turned over the video in the first place. So if they could prove it was faked that would at least give them another path to go down for the investigation.”

​

“You mean they could put pressure on his underlings to start talking?”

​

Majorie shrugs, clear her throats, and says, “I guess that’s the theory.”

​

“Can you send me the video?”

​

“Why?” she asks reflexively.

​

“Well, I’ve been working on something ever since you told me about the technology they use to analyze deep fakes. They look at it forensically, the files, the meta-data, down to the ones and zeros. They’re trying to see if anything has been altered, added, or tweaked. But it’s almost impossible to tell, that’s the entire point of the deep fakes. What they should be doing is looking at the outputs.”

​

“Well isn’t that the entire point of deep fakes, that the outputs look real?” Majorie asks.

​

“Of course, they look and sound real to humans. And everything at the chip level looks real enough to the technology analyzing it. But I had a hypothesis that when you analyze the outputs, there would be a slight difference between real and fake videos.

​

“I was rewatching some old movies to write about on my blog. The special effects used to be really bad, you can see the cuts in the film, the model cities for explosions, the impossible ninja moves, that sort of thing. But over time they got better and better. It looked almost real… until the directors would go too far and start making it look fake again because their ideas outpaced the technology.

​

“It’s like they were getting close to reality, never quite syncing up, and then passing back into the absurd. Then they would make the effects better and better again until they were back for another shot at the real thing.

​

“So I decided to test my hypothesis, that given enough data, there would be unique patterns for deep fakes versus real videos. I put together two databases, one with unaltered videos and one with known fakes. I coded a basic program to analyze and plot things like voice, posture, gait, movement, and just graph it out.

​

“Both of them, the real and the fake videos, look like a mess when graphed out. You get nothing from just looking at them. But when you overlay the plots, you start getting a picture of the differences. The deep fake plots aren’t as tight, they are more jerky, with sharper edges, and the real ones are much smoother in general.

​

“To be fair, you would need a lot more data and a better analyzer and grapher to really build a decent program. But I asked my friend Brenton to create a random mix of ten fake and ten real videos to test. I analyzed them, and got 90% accuracy, just by comparing the two graphs with the naked eye. I’m sure if I can write analyzing script I can get it even more accurate.”

​

Majorie’s mouth is hanging open and she’s looking at me like I just seamlessly landed a triple back handspring.

​

“Dege. This is amazing. I had no idea you knew how to do all this.”

​

“What?” I laugh, “No, it’s all pretty basic. Anyone could have done it. The code is really rudimentary, and–”

​

“Well, no one else did do it. Is there any way you can send me the program?

​

“I feel like it would be a lot easier to just send me the video. It’s not one nice cohesive program right now. There are a lot of moving parts I haven’t uploaded to the cloud yet.”

​

“Yeah, hmm… I just don’t think I can send you the video with the prison surveillance. I don’t want to overstep my bounds with the investigators.”

​

“If they want your help, seems like they wouldn’t mind? Well anyway, let me see if I can get the program glued together a little better, and more user-friendly.”

​

“That would be amazing! Um… in the meantime… Are you looking for extra work?” Majorie asks.

​

“What do you mean?”

​

“I have all these clients who send me video evidence. It’s not like your program would hold up in arbitration or anything. But it would at least give me insight into which of my clients are sending me fake evidence, which are being tricked themselves, and who is worth my time.”

​

“Yeah… sure, I would love to help.”

​

“Great,” she says, “I have about 15 I can send you now to get started, and pay per analysis? Maybe if your program is good enough we can get you out of there much sooner,” she winks.

​

The hair on the back of my neck pricks up a second before I hear his voice.

​

“The whole world has gone mad, Dege.”

​

Elijah takes a seat on my rock wall, looking out towards the ocean. I am working out on my deck, enjoying the cooler evening hours when the sun has dipped below the island’s horizon. I reach into my pocket and slip my fingers into the brass knuckles I’ve been carrying around. The cold metal takes some heat out of my elevated heart rate, like a stress ball.

​

Elijah is waiting for me to respond, but I don’t. Not sure what I would say even if I wanted to. Seconds pass. Finally he looks my way.

​

“You don’t believe the whole thing do you?” he asks, incredulously.

​

“I haven’t given it much thought,” I lie.

​

“It’s a smear, a desperate attempt to take down someone successful. It has the whole city divided. My supporters are fleeing, taking their platforms to dock at Paradisia, or elsewhere. A whole contingent linked their platforms into another community as a protest.

​

“Gulf Sails is just so desperate to take the blame for poor Ben’s death off them. They are willing to send an innocent man to prison because of social pressure!”

​

He keeps pausing to see if I have anything to say. Then he continues stream of consciousness style, like he’s thinking out loud.

​

“But they miscalculated. That was the real breaking point. People won’t put up with it! They won’t. The way they handled this from the getgo just reeks of corruption. You know the chief investigator they hired has ties to competitors of mine?”

​

He looks at me, expectantly, waiting for an answer.

​

“I didn’t know that,” I say monotone, pretending not to be interested, but the truth is I am making a mental note to look into that later.

​

“Why would I murder one of my best friends?” He scoffs, looking back to the ocean. “It is a cleverly orchestrated smear that I will be cleared of in just a matter of weeks.”

​

When he says “weeks” I swear I hear his voice crack. Elijah clears his throat.

​

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” Elijah says, looking back to me. “Ben was being extorted by a high up Gulf Sails executive. That’s why he killed himself. Don’t believe me, just keep an eye on the news. It was getting out into the public, that’s why they moved on me with no evidence whatsoever, so they could get the drop on the news cycle. That’s what this is all about. Apparently these days justice is whatever the public believes!”

​

There’s something in Elijah’s eyes… I think he’s worried.

​

Suppose he is lying, and this all comes crashing down on him while he’s still here in pretrial detention. He realizes he’s going to be confined for the rest of his life. He thinks, might as well get my kicks in while I have the opportunity.

​

I’m actually concerned under those circumstance that he might try to rape me, if he has nothing to lose. I don’t know, maybe I’m just freaking myself out, maybe he was just drunk and displaying a fucked up sense of humor at the club in Barracuda on Halloween.

​

But it’s boring into my mind the insanity that I even have to consider such a course of events.

​

“I brought you something,” I say to George. Christmas is approaching, and I was feeling the holiday spirit. I’m still curious as to my connection with George, if we really are family. But another part of me just wants to break down this barrier.

​

I hold out the bottle to him.

​

“What, some of Eric’s whiskey?”

​

“I worked for it.”

​

“Well la-dee-da, why are you giving it to me?”

​

“I was just thinking about what you told me before… how trade breaks down barriers.”

​

“Trade,” He says sternly. “So it’s not a gift then? Call me cynical, but as I suspect of any gift, it’s not actually free, eh?”

​

“I… well… no, just… maybe just, like, don’t be such a hard-ass all the time?”

​

“Not worth it,” he says, and starts to head in.

​

“Wait! Fine, yes, it’s not a gift. But maybe you would be willing to trade this bottle of whiskey for another history lesson?”

​

“You can read about it on the internet cheaper.”

​

“It’s the analysis that’s valuable…” I say. “As much as I searched, I couldn’t find any sources that talked about the far-reaching economic effects of interracial fucking.”

​

I think I just managed to get a smirk out of him, but he hides it well, clears his throat, and puts back on his gruff look.

​

George stares at me for a while. “Alright come on, kid. It’s been a while since I’ve got to preach my opinions on the collapse of the USA.”

​

He’s still a dick to me the entire time we talk history. He makes me feel really stupid sometimes, and practically yells at me for asking apparently dumb questions.

​

But if I look at it from a comical perspective, like is this guy seriously this salty, I can handle it. I think the shots he keeps pouring me helps as well. Holy shit this guy can put them down.

​

“No, fuck that bullshit nation-state nostalgia,” he practically shouts as we are closing in on finishing the bottle. “It was the same in the city-states of Machiavelli-era Italy as it is now. A shitload of small conflicts still result in far less death and destruction than the large global catastrophes that empires create!”

​

I hold my hands up, “I’m not arguing, I was just asking a question. Seems like the big governments existed for a reason.”

​

“Yeah, for the same reason gangs exist. To wield power through violence! And in the process they plant some flowers and make sure no one else beats you up, so stupid people can’t imagine living in a flowerless, violent world.”

​

George flops into his seat, and finishes the rest of the bottle. “And it looks like you’re all out of learning tokens,” he says, slamming the bottle back to the table. “Kindly make your way to the exit, thank you for participating in George’s history lesson.”

​

It’s weird without all the festivities leading up to Christmas that typically happen living at home. It’s the type of stuff that I always grudgingly took part in… but now I miss.

​

My family does come to visit on Christmas, which is really nice of them to change their plans to spend time with me.

​

I hug my parents, and even go in for a hug with my little brother. While in the embrace, he makes sure to remind me, “You’re a disgrace to us all. You’ve shamed the family, and brought dishonor on our house.”

​

“Great to see you too Raji.”

​

And honestly, it is. I miss his stupid, sarcastic, peevish sense of humor.

​

My dad opens up a little. I think he is proud that I am living on my own, entertaining guests, and working hard.

​

The conversation takes a strange turn after the mulled wine and rum cake dessert.

​

“You really should get into spa culture, Dege. Well… maybe not on a prison island.”

​

“It’s always been a little too homoerotic for my tastes,” I say.

​

“Well the lab test put me somewhere between 32 and 36% homosexual. So maybe that’s my outlet… if you believe it’s genetics.”

​

“Wow, that’s pretty gay dad,” Raji says.

​

My dad scoffs, “You should see your mother’s-”

​

“Ollie! Those results are meant to be kept private.” My mom scolds. “I could sue you for telling them.”

​

She’s kind of joking, but it is technically true. And she’d probably win something small.

​

Then it’s New Years 2100 and it might be the worst day of my life. I tried to talk to Majorie, but she was busy.

​

I video chat with Craig and Dean for the first time since I asked Dean for the money to keep me out of here. I already apologized in a text for putting him in that position, and since then he’s reached out every week or so. He even offered to mentor me to help me make the money quicker.

​

They are getting ready to go out for the night, with a few other friends. They link me in to the big screen, and I get the full view of the living room, with all the festivities.

​

It’s too painful. I manage to keep up my happy appearance for a few toasts. But even though I have my drink on my side, there’s an energy I can’t tap into. It’s just not the same being on the other side of a screen.

​

I’m exhausted after only a few minutes, using every ounce of energy to make sure I don’t infect their mood with my crushing disappointment at being left out of the turn of the century festivities. I sign off quickly.

​

This sucks. The day I have been dreaming about for my entire life, slipping away.

​

After marinating in my own pity for a while, I head to Eric’s. Then we both walk over to the main pavilion where the big party is for the night.

​

The female prisoners from the other island are here visiting for the New Year’s Eve party. And to my shock, some of them are pretty attractive. I didn’t bother to go to any of the meetups when they came before.

​

I’m not sure why I assumed they would all be ugly… I think I was too influenced by old movies and TV shows about prison.

​

The post nation-state world just hasn’t left its mark on popular culture as intensely yet. I suppose that’s because there is less of a concerted effort to push one particular narrative. And now I realize I sound like George…

​

A young woman comes up to me and pulls me onto the dance floor without a word.

​

She’s probably about my age, and is wearing a lot of eye make-up. As we dance to something electronic sounding, I start wondering what she did to get here. Probably some kind of theft or fraud. I wonder if it was to buy drugs. I’m judging her even though I’m in the exact same position.

​

When the song is over we have a conversation. After about 15 minutes of talking, I realize I haven’t gotten anything out of it. I’m just bored, and know a little bit more about her party-life in Florida before her asshole ex-boyfriend (read: sugar-daddy) “falsely” (I’m sure) accused her of stealing from him.

​

She’s pretty. Pretty enough that I wouldn’t have hesitated to pursue her in the past. I wouldn’t have cared about how mind-numbing her personality was. But now I don’t want to.

​

At first I assume it’s just because of Majorie, but I don’t think that’s all of it. I just don’t have the energy to be around someone like this for a night, even if the reward is great sex.

​

She gets the hint as my contributions to the conversation trail off. She storms off, clearly annoyed, muttering something under her breath.

​

“I thought I was going to have to cut in for a second there,” Elijah says as he slides up to me, on the edge of the dance floor. He’s dancing in front of me, yelling over the music.

​

I’m backed up against the kitchen counter bar, so I start to walk left but his hand shoots out to grab the counter, and block my exit.

​

“Hey man, I just want to talk,” He says, still gyrating to the music. “I mean we’re both in the same boat here.”

​

“I don’t want to talk to you,” I say, moving right instead. But he’s right in front of me, and I can’t inch away without squeezing between him and the bar. He keeps dancing, closer and closer to me as I edge my way to the right.

​

“Look maybe we got off on the wrong foot, but I think you have the wrong idea about me.”

​

“Well you’re reinforcing that idea right now!” I yell. Now I’m at the end of the counter and there is a wall in my way.

​

Elijah’s is smiling but he still manages to look pissed off. He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his way. I start to push past him but his arm goes to the wall, blocking my path. I break the other way, and he grabs my arm. My other hand goes reflexively to my pocket, but I didn’t bring the brass knuckles… making the mistake of thinking I’d be safe in public view.

​

“Didn’t you notice, Dege?” Elijah says, smile twisting, “We’ve accidentally stumbled under some mistletoe… and rules are rules.” With his free hand he grabs the back of my head to hold it in place so he can land a kiss directly on my lips.

​

I’m squirming away, but he is so fucking strong! Only when I feel him start to wriggle is tongue against my tightly pursed lips do I finally muster the strength to push him off balance enough to get out of his reach.

​

And as I storm away, wiping his saliva off my mouth, a small crowd around us actually oohs and giggles, as if I was into it! Like me pushing him off and storming away wasn’t a clear indicator that I didn’t consent to that.

​

“Oh, I get it now,” the girl I was dancing with cackles as I leave the pavilion

​

Eric is out there smoking a cigar with Brenton and Crenshaw, and stops me when he sees my face.

​

“This guy is so fucked up! A god-damn psychopath,” I vent to them after telling them what happened. I can barely get the words out straight, I’m still shaking with rage and embarrassment.

​

“Just hang with us,” Crenshaw says, “If that motherfucker comes near you again I’ll make sure his face can’t be used to sell anything but reconstructive surgery.”

​

And Crenshaw is big enough to fulfill that promise. He might not have the cut muscles of Elijah, but he is massive, and got his training street boxing.

​

Luckily (or unfortunately as I started imaging watching Crenshaw deliver a beatdown) I don’t see Elijah for the rest of the night.

​

And as midnight rolls around, I cheers Happy New Years with a few other cons, as fireworks blast in the distance, over the Gulf.

​

These ones are for us. A weak show by most standards, but at least we got any at all.

​

But as our short display of explosions ends, another fireworks show continues somewhere in the distance.

​

The explosions are so large and powerful that they mimic the rising sun on the horizon. A few seconds later the low booms follow.

​

It must be miles away. It’s not Barracuda, I know that, Barracuda is too far. But it might as well be. There’s someone, lots of someones, having fun out there. On their yachts or on their platforms. With family or friends. Kissing the girl or boy they love.

​

And then there’s me. Here. Watching from the outside. Just catching the outer susserations of their party. Whatever is extra. The bursts of lights and booms they don’t need that spill out over the ocean, and roll along it for miles.

​

They force you into it, force you to not quite take part, but be well aware of what you’re not involved in. Just listen, watch, know there is someone out there who isn’t you getting the full benefit of those fireworks. The champagne, the songs, the drunkenness, the camaraderie.

​

I wonder who the guys are kissing. What if Majorie is kissing someone?

​

“Stop it kid,” Eric’s voice breaks my trance. “I can see what you’re doing.”

​

I know he knows– if not the exact thing I was thinking, at least the rumination of things I can’t change. It does make me feel a fraction of a bit better– the validation that someone else sees what’s going on for me.

​

I manage a wry smile, nod to thank Eric, and turn back to the fireworks.

​

I’ll try to be stoic, and not bring down the mood for our prison island New Year.

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