#i want to feel good about myself

[airlockfailure]

Life Update!!! 2023

First of all, if you have read any of my fics, or left a comment on my fics, thank you. Thank you so much. I know we're supposed to "write for ourselves" and whatnot, which I very much do, but it also is an immense emotional boost to be seen and recognized. I struggle a great deal with imposter syndrome, so your encouragement has meant so much to me this past year.

More under the cut, but it's awfully dark, so if you just want the happy :D New Year!! :D Don't read anymore. <3

I am still struggling with my mother's death. I have a precarious balancing act of my brain logically knowing what my emotions won't allow me to believe. That is, my emotions like to lie to me and try to make me believe things that aren't true. One of the big things is believing it's my fault my mother died. I fired a therapist because she attempted to agree with this emotional lie, which pushed me very, very near to the edge I have been teetering on for a long time.

Thankfully, I also have a highly logical other half to my brain which knows my emotions are idiots and chemicals like serotonin and dopamine etc. get fucked when you're grieving, especially if you already struggle with depression, so logic brain won the day. Haha.

I also have a new boss who is ex-military and being able to talk to him about Distress™ has helped more than any therapy session ever has. Being able to talk to my ex-military father about Trauma™ has helped a lot as well, especially considering my father and I have very similar hang ups regarding emotion and Things That Were Done To Us™.

I will likely acquire another therapist at some point this year. Hopefully one who comprehends the disconnect between logic, emotion, and brain chemicals, and who understands PTSD. I relied a lot on my mother to help me work through my emotions one step at a time, and without her support I have devolved into an unlikeable reactionary person. The best way I can describe it is if you have ever met an abused dog?? I bite first, basically, as a defense mechanism.

I am trying to be better, to get better, and to be kind to myself and to others.

I don't drink. I don't use drugs. This is all un-tethered from any substances. It's just my own brain doing this to me and I hate that I am both separate from it, but also stuck in it. I don't know if that makes sense.

But I am trying.

Post Covid brain fog is still very much a thing, and I absolutely think my writing has suffered because of it. Which makes me sad. Being able to write Fox and other clones going through Things™ as a means to work through my pain has been a huge help in both getting better and staying sane.

I have a new PCP going into this year and I already don't trust him. I don't like being smart, and then talking to someone, and knowing I'm smarter than they are. He's going to get a couple more chances to take me seriously, and then depending on how much he treats me like I don't know my own body/mind, I will probably have to find yet another PCP.

I'm so tired guys. So tired.

But I'm trying.

Anyway, here's to 2023. I'm hopeful. I'm very, very depressed, and my life is barely held together by double sided tape, but I am hopeful. For myself, and for everyone. Because there's little other options if I cannot at least dream and be hopeful.

Much love,

Airlock

[supposedtobestudyingbuthereweare]

The incessant want to rip myself to shreds and piece them back together in a way that feels right.

[inkskinned]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

[teaboot]

You need to make art that nobody else likes. You need to make art that speaks to you alone. You need to cradle a serpent that eats its own tail and you need to love it until it loves you back

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

[ducktracy]

there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love

[tshortik]

I love you messy artstyle i love you visible brush strokes I love you textures and rough edges I love you imperfections I love you roughness and colour blobs I love you scratchy sketches and bold stylisation and dirt and imperfections I love you ugly and raw emotion!!!!! ❤️

[tapakah0]

[purble-gaymer]

simple thoughts on meta knight and gender euphoria

[sergle]

also I consented for my doc to use photos / video footage of my reduction on social media and shit and he's ALREADY posted my before/after photos on his instagram. and I'm experiencing an emotion unknown to mankind, reading a bunch of insta comments about how great the results are and how wonderful the new boobs look

[theswedishpajas]

Based on my favorite gif lately

[elodieunderglass]

I know an adult skunk would be too big, but in my heart this fluffy ball of anger and fear is Bee:

[ID: a picture of a baby skunk in defensive posture with erect and puffed tail. end ID]

[ID: a baby skunk adorably sleeping curled up in a little ball in a person's hand. end ID]

Safely tucked in Chil's neck warmer

(In reference to the Dungeon Meshi daemon-AU fanfiction in which one guy has simply decided to be secretive about his daemon to the point of it being deeply weird)

Thank you so much!! that is the perfect creature and a really, really clever choice and I love her so much.

I really regret that we do actually have to physically meet Bee at some point because it is so much funnier not to.

I also have to say, I don’t know why people who sell their writing get so mad when people guess their plots! Like when you hear about the Game of Thrones/ Star Wars etc guys changing their plots because people were guessing plots and having theories based on the FORESHADOWING THEY PUT IN.

I am completely surprised and excited by how people’s guesses for Bee have gotten closer and closer and how many have landed on the mark. Genuinely very exciting and satisfying and not what I was expecting. The feeling is very good, and it feels collaborative and motivational.

I don’t know what the point I’m trying to make here is, but I think it’s that foreshadowing is fun to set up and also fun to pay off, and that I like it when people guess what’s going on! We are all playing a game involving lying with words and it is collaborative! I think paid media would be more fun if people had more fun making it!

[liauditore]

cw// implied character death, double life nonsense

because you are love itself.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Bonus 6: Dress-up

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[front-facing-pokemon]

[bitchthefuck1]

The thing about Francesca is that it isn't just saying "loving you is worth any punishment," it's saying "a punishment that keeps me with you is no punishment at all." It's not that you can brave a hurricane if it's the cost of loving someone, it's that standing in a hurricane for eternity with the person you love is still an eternity with the person you love, and how could you be happy with anything else?