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doylldonmagar · 10 months

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So I saw @hermesmyplatonicbeloved 's post and had some thoughts. I agree and disagree. I am a percabeth fan but I also know that some of it is screwy, and if you are familiar with my blog, you know this. I think RR screwed up and wrote out a LOT of trauma, I think he really should have dealt with that better. I think it's not good that he wrote trauma and mental issues and abuse into the foundation of many characters and then has ignored it when it became convenient for the plot.

I would love to see specific quotes and books for these because some of them I have no memory of and would like to revisit them.

I'm gonna talk my way through all of this so I'm gonna text break here

The first point is Percy scaring her to tears. I can only imagine in Tartarus? Like when they're both in their worst state? I don't know. I agree they should have talked about it, but I think they should have talked about all of HoH, which brings me back to saying: Rick really failed at dealing with trauma and processing and long term effects. Honestly, being scared *of* him, yeah I agree that's bad, but is that the situation? If she's scared by his power, then I'm not sure of where I stand on this, I don't know anyone with demigod powers, but I don't think I'd be scared simply because I know someone is capable of hurting me. Plenty of people are capable of hurting me. Like I don't know, what situation is this?

"Percy has been suicidal the whole time annabeth has known him, in BoO Percy attempts suicide and annabeth said nothing, noticed nothing" I'd really like a page or quote because i remember him being suicidal but never attempting. (Im rereading what i wrote, is this maybe referring to percy deciding it would be better if he drowned when hes with Jason? If so, I thought the book said annabeth wasn't told that he wanted to give up) But really my bigger issue with this statement is the fact that it's not necessarily a bad relationship just because a person doesn't realize someone is suicidal, or if their suicidal thoughts are fluctuating. If he's been suicidal the entire time she's known him, how should she know? And why is it the girlfriend's job to stop him from suicide? Like yeah she should care, but that's not her responsibility. No one should feel responsible for a significant other's suicide unless they encouraged the SO to do it.

The judo flip, I agree, annabeth should have been more sensitive to Percy's past and again, I blame Rick for conveniently forgetting that an abused kid is not going to laugh or even take well to being thrown on the ground. This also reminds me of a post I made a while back, because I was so frustrated by media portrayals of women getting upset (usually worried) about another character and shaking them or hitting them or using some form of violence, and that's portrayed as acceptable and normal and as a sign of love. I'm not a fan of that.

"Annabeth likes to keep percy on his toes" this point, I want specific quotes, cause I'd like to go over it again. I agree this is funky. Percy says he feels more comfortable with annabeth and feels like he can talk to her blah blah, but yeah, I think I remember him saying she makes him anxious and that's a problem for me. Like genuinely, to anyone who reads this: if your SO makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, or unsafe, please reevaluate your relationship and be safe. That's not good. And back to percabeth, I'm really not sure why RR would say that.

Bringing up abusive stepfather. If annabeth didn't already know about Gabe...I don't know, that says to me that percy was too traumatized to talk about it, in which case, why can annabeth see it in his actions, his comments, his reactions? I don't know that either. But I do know that having met my fair share of traumatized kids, it's not at all uncommon for them to share trauma as a joke and for multiple kids to laugh it off, not to mention suicidal jokes or jokes about their own abuse. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying that's healthy, I think that's bad, but I also think it's common. And if annabeth doesn't realize what he's really talking about, or is caught up in her own experience, or is uncomfortable, laughing is not an uncommon response. And I don't think that makes their relationship toxic. (And I'm saying it again: I think Rick wrote that so that people could say oh poor percy and feel strongly about how horrible the situation is, but he didn't want to get into the trauma, so by annabeth laughing it off, he can move on with the scene but include little details that show how bad tartarus is)

I don't remember any comments about poseiden, but I agree her interactions with Tyson are problematic. I have zero explanation or excuse, I really don't know what rick was thinking with that, unless it was maybe a way to signify how all halfbloods feel about monsters? (Now that I've said that, that kinda makes sense, if percy sees a monster who was his human friend, but everyone else just sees a monster who is just like the other monsters who have killed their siblings. But still. Annabeth saying he was gross was uncalled for, Rick could have said she was scared or concerned this was a trick or something, but disgust?)

I agree about Percy's unresolved trauma manifesting as fear of annabeth. I already commented on the judo flip, see comments above.

Percy absolutely has horrible self asteem. I'm not sure that's annabeths problem. Yeah she should support him in every way she can, but it's not her responsibility or anyone else's to make him feel better about himself. She should want to, and she should be positive and encouraging, but I don't think Percy's lack of growth is her problem or necessarily a sign of a toxic relationship. It can be, but I'm not certain it is in this case. I think, as I'm sure you know if you've read this much, Rick doesn't know how to write characters who are further along in their trauma- processing, healing, discussing- rick fails to deal with anything besides a currently traumatized kid and a unresolved but out of the directly abusive situation. (This is where I'd like to note, the whole seaweed brain thing, not funny to me, not cute. I'm not a fan because I do think that encourages negative self image. I am aware that that could be link to annabeths childhood, but again, I would expect her to be hyperaware of this sort of emotional abuse. And I blame Rick. Why does she never have her actual abuse mentioned?)

I don't recall annabeth pushing percy to choose between them. I would have said she had doubts about him still wanting to go to CA and he said that he regretted not being there for Estelle but didn't want to be without annabeth (which is kinda cute, kinda codependent to me, and I agree, codependency is not cute)

I would argue the last point "Percy has no interest in going to New Rome or University" is clearly false. In SoN (2nd book of HOO) Percy discovers there are full families living in New Rome, and how it's safe there, and he says multiple times that he wants that, how he remembers he had a girlfriend named annabeth and he wants her to be there and wants to be able to settle down *there*. And in ChaliceotG he's torn, because he does want to stay in New York for his mom and sister, but he really wants to be with annabeth and he loves new Rome. He says multiple times how he wants to go to New Rome. Its true, if the only reason he wants to go is for annabeth, that's a bit funky. But new Rome is the safest place for demigods, and he's been in wars for years, of course he wants that. And wanting to be out of school- okay? New Rome isn't just about the university, not to mention the New Rome university is focused on kids with dyslexia and adhd, obviously. So it will be tailored to him, his struggles are understood, accepted, and aided. Who wouldn't see the appeal in that?

And finally, I agree, that if a character or couple is going to have broad reach, they should be healthy. That's a problem i have with Colleen hoover and all her toxic relationships that have a large audience and are so loved by that audience. And back to this, I hate that the pjo hoo couples are so focused on in the books because fans always pay attention to the couples, but the focus amplifies them, and I think having a relationship be the main focus of a kids/teen/ya book sets up horrible mindsets, and idolizes relationships and all in all is not good for kids. Percabeth or not, healthy or not, I don't think the emphasis on relationships is good.

I might link some of my other posts that I mentioned or that address similar issues in the reblogs

#percy jackson abuse #pjo thoughts #pjo fandom #pjo series #pjo hoo toa #pjo #percy jackson thoughts #percy jackson #anti percabeth #percy jackon and the olympians

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aroacesafeplaceforall · 11 months

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You’re pissed that no one took any accountability for their supposed “aphobia/arophobia” but where is the accountability for the constant inhumane and disgusting homophobia, biphobia and transphobia STILL spewing out of ace spaces like puss? When will you all realize you feel that way because you are directly adjacent to the oppressor class and have next to nothing in common with the LGBT community as a whole but nearly everything in common with the average cishet? Y’all aren’t queer for not wanting to fuck, only fucking sometimes “if you emotionally connect”, or being emotionally unavailable to romantic partnership. And if you aren’t also gay, trans, or bisexual, you never will be.

I got my laptop out for this, goddamn. Where would i even start?

"You’re pissed that no one took any accountability for their supposed “aphobia/arophobia”" This tells me everything about you, you possibly don't believe in aro/ace identities. You don't believe people can hate on, or be hateful to, aro/ace spec people. And yes I am pissed. Because it was fucked up.

I would try to justify it with "if this was transphobic/homophobia you wouldn't be acting this way" but im guess you don't care about that as you obviously don't see it the same way.

you were also probably someone who sent asks like this (but more hateful) in 2016 and before, you were probably also someone who posted and reblogged aphobic content and said it was "just a joke" later while still sending asks like this to people. Take of that anon and show your face coward.

"where is the accountability for the constant inhumane and disgusting homophobia, biphobia and transphobia STILL spewing out of ace spaces like puss?"

where is the accountability for the homophobia, biphobia and transphobia still spewing out of ALL lgbtqia+ spaces? Where is the accountability in the REAL world? Where is it anon? Where is the accountability for the acephobia, the arophobia and so many other "not real sexualities/gender identities" -phobias?

You saw a post about aphobia, and instead of being like "yeah that was f-ed up" or "i dont care" you went "but what about meeeeee" which is very all lives matter of you. (I am not comparing racism to homophobia, however the "what about me" bs can be summed up very easily using all lives matter as an example) For the fucking record, all spaces have assholes, all of them. On behalf of the "normal" aro/ace spec folks, i apologise for any homophobia, biphobia and/or transphobia you have experienced from us. "When will you all realize you feel that way because you are directly adjacent to the oppressor class and have next to nothing in common with the LGBT community as a whole but nearly everything in common with the average cishet?" This is a main aphobe talking point so thank you for doing this by the text book so i can break it down easier!

Three pages about asexual hate crimes which im sure every average cishet has to deal with (assuming their white and male) 1 2 (a booklet for asexual people to be actually fucking included) 3

An incredible interview is here but im going to quote a few things from it as theres a 99.9% chance aphobes wont click a link

"We know aromantics and asexuals have existed for as long as humans have. However, it’s only through the terminology recently going mainstream"

"Because of Freud’s influence, many of us grew up learning that our sex drive is the primary motivator of human behavior, but that isn’t the case."

"That mindset replicates itself within the community so that when a new identity emerges, or when people try to explain themselves, there is resistance and pushback from within the community with the mindset that “if we let these kinds of people in, then that will dilute the access to power and resources we have.” And it forces the community to maintain adjacency to white supremacy, patriarchy, capitalism, ableism and classism, all while leaving behind entire groups of people."

" Do you think there will be more identities joining the LGBTQIA+ acronym? JP: Yes. The more words we have to describe ourselves, the better we are understood."

"The biggest comparisons are the lack of visibility and exclusion from communities on the basis that they’re weird, different, othered or “don’t belong in this space.” Every queer person has experienced this narrative and as more join under the umbrella, the newbie will experience the same challenges, discrimination and misunderstandings as those who came before." and here is another article that has a quote i just live by

"When did trauma become the mark of queerness?"

but back to the aphobe ->

"Y’all aren’t queer for not wanting to fuck, only fucking sometimes “if you emotionally connect”, or being emotionally unavailable to romantic partnership. "

if you think queer = sex then so help me. queer does not equal sex, queer is sexuality. and guess what that is NOT always sexual. sexuality is who your attracted to, whether it be romantically OR sexually.

and Asexuality is a spectrum, some asexuals never have sex, some don't want to have sex but have had it due to trauma or peer pressure, some don't care for it, some did it for a partner but just dont care about it.

same with aromantic. Its a spectrum. By your process here, so so so so so many people are removed from the lgbtqia+ community but you couldn't possibly mean that-

"And if you aren’t also gay, trans, or bisexual, you never will be."

-oh you did.

So none of these are part of the community either then? Agender, Bigender, Intersex, genderfluid, pansexual, omnisexual, Omnigender, Questioning, transgender and queer?

interesting anon.

Anyways i hope my followers enjoyed that! Let me know what you think if you finished reading all this!

Love;

An aegosexual, pansexual, aromantic, trans guy with to much fucking time on his hands.

#tw apobia #ask #asks #aromantic #asexual #aroace #aro #ace #aro pride #pride #lgbtqia #ace pride #ace problems #aro problems #cw aphobia #aphobia

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eclipse-rain · 10 months

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Jjk - Big Brother Yuji + Choso Headcanons;

☆☆☆

Warning: Mentions of attempted suicide in first part + manga spoilers obvi

Masterlist~

☆☆☆

|Backstory|

•You and yuji are twins (sry i love them being twins soo much)

•you grew up together with him and your grandfather

•but the thing is, when dealing with jujutsu sorcerers being a twin is considered bad

•this ment you could see cursed spirits while yuji could not

•your grandfather tried to console you by saying they werent real and to try and ignore them for fear of people thinking you were crazy and trying to put you in a hospital

•you tried your best to think that way and you learned not to freak out in front of other people about what you were seeing

•but you were a kid and they looked scary, why were you the only one seeing these monsters?

•yuji was the main reason you were able to look past it, past them

•he was always in front of you so all you had to do was look towards him and then everything was alright

•his smile was always such a reassuring sight, it could put you at ease almost instantly, wash all your troubles away in the blink of an eye

•you really loved your older twin brother, and he loved you just as much

•it would have been good if things had stayed that way, but i guess then we wouldnt have this story

•there was a time where you couldnt take it anymore, the constantly being scared and looking over your shoulder, it was during a short period of time when yuji wasnt around

•you were nine years old by this point and in the bath, suddenly the bubbly water looked more reassuring than staying in a world full of monsters being the only one who could see them

•you let yourself sink into the warmth and the next thing you knew, yuji was above you, holding you in a fresh fluffy towel but instead of smiling like he always did, he was crying

•for the next year yuji and your grandfather had you sing everytime you bathed or showered for fear of it happening again

•but you had realised from that day on that if you had yuji in your life, wheather he was far away or right next to you, as long as he was alive you could push past what you saw and focus on him, you could stay alive too

•you were born together so you both had an unspoken promise that you would live together and when the time came, die together

•thats not the only thing that went wrong though

《Yeah im about to change the whole plot and spice it up real good, cue the trauma✨》

•when you were ten kenjaku came to retrieve one of you, either yuji or you, it didnt matter which

•your grandfather knew this would happen some time in the future as kenjaku made it known after you both were born

•but your grandfather kept it from both of you and raised you the same way, without difference, same clothes, same hair, same treatment so that he could try and feel less attachment when the time came to give one of you away

•what he would get in return would be the guaranteed safety of the other twin, not a hair on their head would be touched and they would have a normal life as a human unless they themself chose otherwise

•your grandfather had been stuck between a rock and a hardplace

•and thats how you got separated from your twin and your grandfather

•your grandfather didnt even know which one of you kenjaku took, he raised you both without any difference, including gender

•that didnt mean it didnt impact him any less though, he turned away from yuji, became more distant and contemplative of his life and yujis future

•he regretted and agonised over what happened every single day he lived until his death and made sure to make yuji promise not to end up alone at his own death bed

•yuji always kept you in mind, he never forgot a single thing about you, your hair, your eyes, your smell, the feeling of your small hand in his as he led you to your next class in school

•you were the first loss he faced in his life, your grandfather didnt have the heart to tell yuji where you had actually gone, not that he knew

•And kenjaku with his connections or powers god knows what, made it seem, to your school, all the people in the community, as if you had died and with what happened last year that didnt come as much of a shock

•otherwise people would start to ask questions if you suddenly werent around, like you had dissapeared into thin air, even though by all accounts your grandfather knew...you had

•he wasnt even allowed to know where you were going or what you would be doing, if you would have a normal life or whatever the alternative to that was

•Or even worse you were actually dead and kenjaku hadnt just made people believe that so yuji and him could live a normal peaceful life

•but in reality and unbeknownst to your grandfather kenjaku had plans for you, those which were never revealed to you and that you couldnt figure out because you could never for the life of you read the person who was suposed to be your so called "mother"

•of course you didnt know that kenjaku was technically your birth mother, you only figured it out years later, five years later to be exact, when you were fifteen, a little while before yuji also found out

•kenjaku didnt know which one of you he had taken either at the time but it didnt matter to him, it was all the same regardless

• he hadnt even planned on either of your births, with all the rest of the cursed wombs being failures he didnt have much hope left for either of you to work out in his master plan, just like the nine death painting brothers you both were far too normal (though his and your versions of normal didnt seem to align)

•but now you just seemed to give him more options, more paths he could take, more fun, a variable in his master plan if you will

•wheather you both would be a catalysts or not was up to you two but you yourself had made it your lifes mission so that your brother could continue living safely without the need of ever knowing that you werent crazy after all and what you saw was real

•let him be ignorant, let you carry all this burden by yourself, if he can be the light, your light and give you hope then you can be the darkness, carry his burdens, his share of darkness aswell as yours

•it would have probably stayed that way if he hadnt gotten himself entangmed with the king of curses after - of all the ones he could have eaten

~~~

|Choso|

•being one of kenjakus kids means your the only girl amongst all your siblings which definitely sucked a bit in your eyes

•like what do you mean you have ten siblings and not even a single one is a girl

•you'd have to put up with yuki as your big sister since that was the closest to the real thing you would get

•you werent there when yuji and nobara killed Eso and Kechizu and you didnt even know that they were your brothers yet anyway

•you first met choso when (of all times) kenjaku, mahito and he were playing a board game while waiting for the outcome of the fight between yuji, nobara, megumi, Eso and Kechizu

•well you didnt talk or even make eye contact but you both knew each other was there (you're probably in a badass looking cloke or something idk babe)

•kenjaku tried to coax you into playing with them, fed up you just ended up 'standing guard' so you could get some peace and quiet or so you thought because they (*ahem* mahito *ahem*) wouldnt stfu

•You were colder now that you were older and not showered in your big brothers light which he directed completely at you when you were younger

•you didnt say a word the whole time, you rarely did since you had been with kenjaku and his lackies

•you wondered everyday, since you had learned what cursed spirits were, why he still kept you alive and with him, you couldnt read him at all and it gave you a horrible pit in your stomach

•of course how were you to even guess what really was your realtion to him, even if cursed spirits and jujutsu sorcerers were real kenjaku technically being your mother still seemed a bit far fetch when you first learned about it

•as you listened to their conversation you noted that a person called itadori yuji was one of the jujutsu sorcerers fighting against chosos younger brothers along with a girl named kugisaki nobara

•you had come here now for this exact reason, (after learning yuji was now a jujutsu sorcerer) just in case something happened you would protect your brother, even if you didnt see him in person, even if you did and he didnt remember you, or recognise you

•after they split off to see who could find him first so did you, you had to find him before they did

•you didnt ... (well done)

•choso and yuji still fought and he almost killed yuji successfully but for some reason when you found choso he was alone, no yuji in sight and he was huddled in a ball on the ground looking like he was having a mental breakdown (whatever that was about)

•though when you questioned him about if he found yuji yet or not he suddenly got wierdly defensive, you decided you werent gonna try and reason with a cursed spirit who was obviously crazed since he was working with kenjaku (even if he was doing it for family which was the exact same reason as you had for doing the same thing)

•kenjaku ; the man who basically kidnapped you from your home five years ago for god knows what reason, telling you that you were special since you could see cursed spirits

•the man who made you feel special and useful and like you had a purpose in life, the man that put you on a pedestal above all those who couldnt see cursed spirits like you could

•his manipulative methods could have worked on your young mind, they had somewhat, but never fully because of one key thing

•this was because you always remembered yuji, your kind older brother who couldnt see cursed spirits, unlike you, but just the same as the people (humans) who would call you wierd or crazy for being able to

•but he wasnt one of those people, by all accounts in your mind and heart, to this day you still believe he is the kindest person in the whole world and it was because of this that you never saw yourself above non-sorcorers because your precious big brother was one of those people

•And it should have stayed that way

•but it didnt

•and you cant help but blame yourself everyday for it (even tho its literally not ur fault babes chill out a bit)

•for not being more prepaired, for not being more aware, for not keeping better tabs on your brother for fear kenjaku might break his promise to your grandfather now that he was dead

•you had asked kenjaku to tell you about what yuji was up to after you left when you were small

•as you got older you didnt want kenjaku being near yuji and his information on him could be unreliable, just lies he fed to you

•so you stopped asking to know about yuji and for a while stayed away completely before you started keeping your own tabs on him when you were older and more able, stronger

•you had learned alot in your time with kenjaku and his lackies, even if it was unwillingly and even if it was perhaps ruining you, or who you used to be

•the small, kind and scared girl was no more, instead a shell of that girl remained, who would only come out of hiding when she was face to face with her brother again finally

•instead now you were cold and unspeaking, as you were unwavering in the face of the same monsters you once ran from

•you had only found out that your grandfather had even died after you finally dug into what yujis life was like after you got older

•you also learned yuji had eaten a curse and enrolled in Jujutsu high school, now under so called "protection" by some of the most fearsome jujutsu sorcorers who ever lived

•*back to the present ig* both you and choso went looking for yuji again, since you had no luck finding him by yourself last time you chose to stick with choso this time as he found him first last time

•Choso however was less than pleased at having you stick to him, as he now for some reason seemed even more determined to find Yuji if that was even possible

•choso can sense the transformations of his younger brothers through their blood connections no matter how far away they are

•choso could see yuji in his fake memory because yuji was going through the final transformation, which is death

•choso during his mental breakdown had figured out yuji was his youngest brother, but he also found out something else

•see yuji was a twin and that ment he shared his soul with his other half, his own twin, you

•that ment if he died a piece of the other twin would die along with him

•this ment he could also see yujis twin there too, you

•though since he wasnt dealing with your soul (death/transformation) directly, but just a link between you and yujis as twins, you were very blurry and he couldnt properly make out your face in his paniced state of mind

•so he didnt recognise you as the person who kenjaku brought along (you could have had ur face covered by like a hood or mask when with kenjaku as well)

•he could see the other cursed wombs properly only because they were all already dead

•choso and you end up getting confronted by a curse and with him now being even more hell bent on finding yuji he leaves you to deal with it (he ran without saying a word to you, leaving you by yourself, he did not care lmao, he's off to protect his new baby bro)(tbf he didnt no you were his sister yet and feels bad about it in the future)

•so you two got separated

(Skipping to when he finds out cuz im lazy)

•choso when he finds out he also has a younger sister, which is you, would be very shocked at first, and a little unbelieveing of it, since all the other cursed wombs had been male

•honestly he didnt think it was even possible for them to be female at this point (not that it was a big deal) 1/11 those are wierd odds tho

•there had to be a reason for this, perhaps thats why kenjaku/noritoshi kamo was so interested in you (so maybe it was a big deal?? He wasnt so sure but he hoped that wasnt the case, kenjaku had seemed pretty interested in yuji also and he wasnt female)

•he didnt know if he should treat you any differently than he did for his brothers for a while when he first found out

•he was the same amount of pushy about wanting you to call him big brother as he was with yuji though, possibly even more so

•he has a little sister now, thats crazy, he wants to hear what being called big brother is like coming from you

•when you finally called him big brother the first time he started bawling like a baby

•after the shibuya incident the three of you are all living normal human lives together after everything was over

•yuji cooking in the kitchen like he had done so many times for you before in your childhood, choso and you both sat at oposite ends of the kitchen table

•A warm light from the window shone across it, signaling the first signs of it setting and nights approach, it would feel warm and cozy, the atmosphere light hearted and safe

•choso would be taking in the sight of it all, slightly melancholic, thinking of how your other brothers never got to experience this

•you would be reading a book, possibly even studying now that your back at school, a hot cup of steaming tea a little to your right, a basket of fruits in the center, a cat lay on your lap barely visible, only so by an ear twitch or the slight swish of a fluffy tail

•butterflys landed on the plants by the back door, the one that lead to the back gardens, where cherry blossom flowers bloomed on the trees in spring but in autumn they were bare and the air was cold and crisp

•farther down a trail of cherry blossom trees, the chickens roamed and slept inside their coops snuggled up to one another for warmth, you would go down to collect the eggs tomorrow morning as you had done this morning, those ones now being used by yuji prepairing omurice for your evening meal

•yuji and you were happy once again and choso could safely say he was the most happy now than he had ever been since he had been born, he just wished his brothers could have felt this way too

•the three of you had buried the remaining cursed wombs and mementos of Eso and Kechizu in the back garden next to your grandfathers grave

•you three visited them everyday and told them about everything that happened, from exciting things to those that were rather boring or simple

•it was a nice way to live

☆☆☆

Im backkk bitchesss📣, dont get ur hopes up tho, im here for a good time not a long time sry

I love writing nonsense about my silly little scenarios✊

Idk how i haven't written for jjk yet because its literally one of my favorite anime/mangas rn (I've also been waiting for choso to get animated and get more attention since i first saw his fine ass in the manga)

If there are plot holes pretend your ✨blind✨👩‍🦯

#jjk #jjk x reader #yuji itadori #choso kamo #jjk choso #yuji x sister!reader #choso x sister!reader #platonic #platonic x reader #platonic you weirdos

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mimez-meme · 20 days

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Defending hizashi chapter 420 (spoilers!)

(Please bear with me I’m not exactly amazing with my words or explaining but I tried, some of the points in here would have been mentioned before/talked about before)

Look im not saying what happened in chapter 420 didn’t annoy me a bit, like i was a bit angry at hizashi. But you gotta remember he has reasons for why he acted that way and it isn’t necessarily his fault? Idk

This man has been bottling up all his emotions for 15 years or more. Taking aizawa’s life way more serious then his, he wants to be aizawa’s protecter and make sure he finds happiness. He would do anything to make sure he gets that. (He also doesn’t view himself as a person he views himself as a third person if that makes sense) His reactions in 420 is a good example of what bottling up emotions can do to you, it can make you loose control when faced with those emotions, which is basically what happened.

Present mic CANNOT cope or deal with his emotions, half the time I doubt he knows how he actually feels He uses aizawa as a way to distract himself from the grief and his emotions, as he understands shota’s, and when aizawa is around he focus’s on him, not himself. When it’s just him, he will do anything to take his mind off his feelings by overworking, drinking ect. Now along with bottling up all his emotions he’s buried oboro, well not fully. He clearly isn’t over him but he’s trying to be for aizawa. He’s trying to get over his trauma. Because he’s built up all these emotions, made this persona, buried deep all his traumas and then being forced to face the worse trauma caused him to snap, beacuse he doesn’t want this, this isn’t how things were meant to be. He’s lost the patience to just move on, leading him to be violent and aggressive. Even aizawa was shocked when he snapped and told him to shut up and calm down in the car scene whatever. being forced to face him again clearly had an massive affect on him and he’s still trying to reject the fact that oboro could possibly be a villian cuz in his eyes villains don’t deserve to be forgiven they are horrible humans and don’t deserve second chances and he doesn’t want to believe his best friend who talked and told him about the ways and how they’re all going to be heros together, be a villain. Facing oboro once more has made all his emotions spark and like mentioned he cannot deal with that. Whenever he starts to show vulnerability he instead starts to act angry to cover up his true emotions with anger Because it’s better then being ‘weak’ and showing vulnerability infront of aizawa or others. His bottled emotions also seemed to of bottled up into anger, which is once more a common thing for those who bottle up emotions. Clearly hizashi is upset and hurt by all this but he refuses to show it. Now onto actually discussing chapter 420, killing kurogiri to hizashi is the only escape, only way to stop all these emotions, in this chapter he’s crying. And aizawa ‘points it out’ and when he does he responds with ‘I’m a man, men don’t cry!” However he doesn’t actually believe that he just thinks HE can’t cry because we see present mic attempt to comfort aizawa when he’s sad, he even punched the fucking doctor for making him cry. He wouldn’t do that if he thought MEN couldn’t cry. However it turns out aizawa wasn’t even talking about hizashi he was talking about Oboro/kurogiri, beacuse he’s crying. I’m sorry but it kinda felt like aizawa was ignoring hizashi then, and aizawa has never really acknowledged how hizashi really feels beacuse to him hizashi hasn’t changed all these years but to us we see obvious changes. (He said that in my hero justice 2)

Hizashi is facing so many emotions at once and like I said he CANNOT cope or deal with it, he has no distractions, it’s oboro and facing him again that’s making all his emotions spark, if your someone who’s bottled up their emotions for years and then one day your hit with a wave of them, and they suddenly they all come out whatever you will not know what to do. Hizashi is scared, angry, upset ect ect, it’s causing him to be violent. He wants aizawa to be happy, and safe but he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to kill oboro he wants to kill kurogiri but he knows kurogiri is oboro but he’s in denial. He doesn’t want to see Oboro has this villain but he knows deep down it’s true. (Now I’m talking about a different chapter, I forgot what one) When kurogiri dies/goes to save shigaraki we see zashi crying, he even said “thanks bud” when kurogiri opened a Portal for him to go to the battle field. At his point we see that hizashi seems to of finally came with terms of kurogiri being oboro but obviously he dies, if hizashi really wanted kurogiri dead he wouldn’t have cried? If that makes sense he wanted to save him like aizawa. Now beacuse kurogiri is dead present mic is going to have to carry MORE guilt probably more guilt then aizawa.

I still don’t think that was everything tho/ all his emotions. Like just think about how powerful zashi is, I think he was still holding back. Because he has been bottling them up for 15 years so there’s no way that’s everything. Yk?

His reaction was valid and in character for him.

The moment he shows emotions people hate him, like come on guys, Be so fucking fr. Like present mic is angry at himself, the villians ect. He couldn’t protect his friends, it was the villians who did this.

Thanks for reading!! And sorry if any mistakes or if some of it doesn’t make sense😓

‼️oh yeah he also has the black and white mindset and that’s believed to maybe be another trauma response‼️

#mha #my hero academia #present mic #bnha #hizashi yamada #idk man #kohei horikoshi #shouta aizawa #angst #mha aizawa #shirakumo oboro #kurogiri #mha chapter 420 #rant post #mha rant

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jayladfanpage · 11 days

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OPENED the first page of Robin lives #3 and just EXPERIENCED EMOTIONAL DAMAGE

fuCK. LIKE. GENUINELY. FUCK. going to consume raw bismuth rn im sobbubg I had hopes after they showed Shelia and just F U C KKKKKKKKKKK

I think writers forget so much of what made adtif adtif and what made Robin Jason Robin Jason. that boy was willing to give up Robin at that point for just a loving family? The issues that led to adtif? WHAT ABOUT HIS whole struggle and issues with being robin itself? what are we even doing here. Nothing is addressed. Instead we get fucking revenge story after revenge story I'm going to implode die. now I feel stupid about waiting for it. I'm half incomprehensible about most of the things I HATED. DICK. What is he saying. God.

I miss u robin Jason, he was so much... a singular character... barr's run... starlin too to a degree... UGH. HIS CHARACTER THESIS IS LOVE ??? ON GOD I will consume 2 tons of pipebombs today fucking hell on god he barely gets dialog, he barely gets shit, I liked 1 panel and that s it im

Anyhow :D yippie ! Happy to see that you're here for fanon writers and all ! Super cool of you ! And your posts are vvv cool, much love ! Would love to hear your thoughts on Robin lives#3 :) <3

Anon you are so incredibly fucking real for this

Issue #3 is... such a fucking disappointment. Exactly like you said, already the first page makes my blood fucking BOIL.

There's a fundamental misunderstanding, in this issue, of where Red Hood!Jason's ideas of revenge come from. His obsession with Joker's death specifically isn't actually out of a need to have Joker dead, it's a need to prove to himself that Bruce loves him more than he loves his mission. Which is not true for Jason or any of Bruce's other children. Gotham will always come first.

So to have Jason go after Joker with the intent to kill him (and succeed at it!) is spitting in the face of all the complicated, messy familial ties that are at the core of UTRH, for the sake of some sense that Jason was always doomed to be the way he is as an adult.

Jason also doesn't feel good after killing people. He doesn't derive any pleasure from it. He's not disgusted by or ashamed of the things he's done, far from it, but to him the murders are just a means to an end. A task to complete if he wants to save Gotham in the way that Bruce isn't able to. Murdering people sure as fuck isn't the "best thing" to ever happen to him. What the fuck.

I also really hate this page. As much as I don't expect any teenager to fully "deal" with their trauma, because they're a teenager, Jason certainly wouldn't run from it. Jason is perhaps the most openly emotional Bat character, and that's always been one of his most important personality traits. He talks about his pain and his trauma, constantly and endlessly, because Jason benefits from communicating his emotions, even if he does it aggressively or explosively.

Plus, "paralyzed with fear" ?? Jason's fear response is FIGHT not freeze. It's never been freeze. Every time Jason is scared, as Robin or otherwise, he responds by picking a fight. He flings himself head-on to the thing that's making him afraid because god fucking damn it Jason has always been good at saving himself -- which is why he's so desperate to have Bruce kill Joker, so that somebody else will protect him for a change.

This plot I'm conflicted on. I've always hated Timmy Todd and always thought that Jason should have been Joker Junior instead. However, this was not the comic to do it in. Robin Lives should have been a comic about trauma and vulnerability and healing. Main Continuity already gives us the neverending loop of Jason's trauma, of how it keeps constantly getting worse and worse, and I wanted Robin Lives to have been different. I wanted it to grab me by the shoulders and say He could have been fine. Jason could have healed. If only things had been different, Jason Todd could have been good.

But it didn't. It's just another fucking Cheer storyline where we read about a child being "doomed from the beginning" and shifting the blame of Red Hood onto Jason for being a lost cause instead of acknowledging the greater context of Jason's death and revival and it's just. Ugh. It fucking sucks.

Also, Bruce would never say this about saving like a dozen children. "Bigger fish to fry" WHILE HE IS RESCUING BRAINWASHED CHILDREN? where is my Bruce Wayne and what did you do to him

About the fanon writers -- thank you! I always find the hate for them a little misplaced. There are dozens of canons across hundreds of comics and fanfiction as a medium is supposed to have a certain degree of separation from its source. I think a lot less people would be upset over "fanon" batfam fics if the writers understood better core traits of the characters. Fanfiction isn't about "Would [x] do this" it's about "How would [x] do this" and a lot of non-writers don't understand that and just think fanon is always horrible.

#thank you for the ask!!#this was very fun to reply despite my hatred for the new issue #anon ask #jason todd #jaybin #batbrood #bruce wayne #meta analysis #robin lives #wednesday spoilers #mine #dc comics

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thesmpisonfire · 1 year

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Im still chewing on all the qfelps characterization we got yesterday, specially how he acts towards his family and how he deals with his trauma. He loves his partners and his kid so much dude. When Forever and Cellbit ran to check if Ramon was okay, Felps stayed so Pac wouldn't be alone, he is running for president just because Cellbit asked him to and bc he thinks it's funny. He jumps to defend Forever about the Egg Hotel even without ever seeing it working, he sits with Mike and let him speak his heart out during the debate bc Felps knew he wanted to. He made sure to hype every single one of his family and made them feel loved

Whenever he was too overwhelmed, he just ran from the stage to stood my Richas, watching him taking pics of the debate and having small talk, or checking by Pac to see if he was okay

How he was still very fucking scared from Cucurucho, to the point Cellbit had to hold him to help calm him down, and it still took a while until Felps was fully comfortable to act normally around Cucurucho again

My guy was ready to jump into the crater to help Cellbit when he got downed, no second thoughts, and only stopped bc Cellbit got exploded a second time. As soon as he could rationally think again, he rushed to the castle to check on him

He gave Cellbit armor and his only totem to make sure Cellbit would be okay and fussed over Cellbit holding it, he followed after Cellbit to the crater and had a keen eye on him. He was by Cellbit side until he was sure Cellbit was okay again, which was almost one hour later

Also at the same time he was making sure to lighten up the situation for Richa, to calm his kid down because Felps saw how scared the poor lad was. He stayed a bit behind when Forever left with Cellbit at first since he knew that with Forever Cellbit would be safe, just so he could chat with Richa and calm him down, even making the kid laugh a bit

He loves his family so much, ofc he was be the first one that sacrificed himself for them

#qsmp #felps #character analysis

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prettyboykatsuki · 2 months

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pls read me for filth bestie: intj eldest daughter 🤓

ahhh. fellow intj. this one might be mean sorry. once again i am working on assumptions so disclaimer yadda yadda

intjs are usually known for being cold, calculated and intelligent as a result of introverted intution which is shared with your fellow NJ pairs and for the most part this stereotype is true. most intjs are gifted in early childhood and do well academically with good insight for pattern recognition. youve probably one point felt yourself to be better than your peers

the two way consequence of this being true is that you definitely have semi abysmal social skills. intj women(or just generally speaking fem presenting intjs) tend to make-up for this by capitalizing on their physical appearance in their later years if possible. intj men tend to be mildly insufferable because behaving that way is accepted as masculine and tolerable. this lack of understanding in relation to socialization comes two fold from your last function being extroverted sensing and your third function being introverted feeling.

like most introverted feelers you take things incredibly personal which wreaks havoc in your relationships. as you grow older and experience more things (and more trauma) your sense of basic sympathy allows you to overlook the things that you used to bother you day-to-day but you do have to actively realize that not everything that happens to you is a personal matter. in fact most things are not and your paranoia that they are worsens greatly under stress. a lot of shit has genuinely nothing to do with you

intjs are interesting in that they do actually get along with several types of people and tend to fall in the camp of open minded. you have a tendency to make quick judgements about people and you're rarely wrong on your first impressions but you sometimes allow them to cloud your judgement. you don't prefer leadership roles but you will handle them well when they are forced upon you which they often are as a result of you being technically competent and talented at compartmentalizing. how are u dealing with that one haunting impulsive decision you made btw

most often intjs get in relationships they can hide behind in some way. extroverts are ideal for this but it's mostly anyone who can comfortably shield them away from public scrutiny as they pressure of being around others is rather annoying to you though im sure you do fine. you've developed some specific culturally relevant social skills to keep you afloat but you need to recuperate more oftne than you care to admit.

you probably similarly had a phase of total hedonism in your late teens and young adulthood in a way that wasn't obvious to everyone else as you discovered your extroverted sensing and the concept of sensuality.

you have inadvertently developed a desire for validation of something you can't actually recognize. intjs are typically well accomplished in some aspect, but the validation you're seeking is actually entirely emotional and you will benefit a lot from realizing this. your ideal relationship is not someone who will simply shield you, but will allow you to be yourself and push you in areas you need pushing while fully understanding who you are and not who you are very good at pretending to be.

its fine to admit some parts of you are sloppy, irritable and irrational. the extremity you treat his part of yourself with is overblown in the first place and being around emotionally in tune people makes you self aware of this.

you date people you assume you'll have emotional control over and years later understand doing that is also exhausting you. the cycle will repeat until you can find someone who can view you with sincerity and all your flaws and acknowledge them without stepping on your toes about them all the type.

you can pretend that happy-go-lucky people exhaust you all you want but having at least SOME to balance you out is literally important to your nervous system. if dating a dumb himbo and the false sense of emotional security he gives you is what fixes you let it happen its fine no one else will be able to tell but them.

despite all of this, ultimately no one is harder on you than yourself which is why many people in your life forgive you for things most others would not. your expectations for your accomplishments as a result of your talents and somewhat your ambition suffocate you but your health is more important and it's fine to put those thoughts to rest eventually. not everything needs to happen at once for you

try not to let your perfectionism completely disconnect you from the one artistic hobby you have and work hard at that - it contributes more to your sanity than u will ever give it credit for and it is that deep. u can't pretend its not lol

it will be fine btw

#return to sender

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notvictorhugo · 1 month

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Sooo I've just seen some beautiful fanarts of thirteen and eleven and I have Thoughts

So Im gonna talk a bit about Eleven and Thirteen, their relationships with Ten and Twelve, and the concept of 14 and why I think it fits so well.

My main thesis is this: Thirteen and Eleven are very, VERY similar, they are hurt in very similar ways from their previous regenerations, and deal with those things in similar ways. However, while Eleven gets a forced catharsis in Trenzalore, Thirteen only gets an optional one, which she rejects, forcing the regeneration into Fourteen and, later on, the bigeneration. Let's go!

I'd like to begin with Ten and a brief recap of his tenure. It begins with Rose, someone she knew from his previous regeneration, someone who, in many senses, healed him from the cynical POV he had adopted since the Time War. She becomes a bit too doctory, and ends up trapped in a parallel universe, largely because of him and his influence.

He then meets Martha. She ends up leaving him because he can't get over himself and his very recent trauma with Rose. He's on his own for a bit, and meets Donna, arguably his best friend in a long while. And, just like Rose, his actions end up with him being forced to depart from her. He is SO DONE at this point. He keeps travelling on his own, doing his own thing, a distant doctor (but a doctor still) who ends up becoming the Time Lord Victorious. In this state of Loneliness, he is forced to end Gallifrey again, and is saved by the closest thing he has to a friend at this point: the Master. He regenerates.

So, what does the Doctor do immediately after that, in his eleventh incarnation? When he meets Amy he decides to try again. This time, however, Amy is not a life-in companion, as Rose and Donna were (Im not sure about Martha, but I think she was one as well). Instead, he begins to microdose the Ponds, popping in every hundred years or so, seeing them for a while, then leaving again. After Rose, Martha and Donna, he absolutely refuses the idea of losing someone again: he is painfully aware of the time limits, and if working around them means not seeing the Ponds except on rare occasions, so be it. He is RUNNING AWAY.

Except, of course, it doesn't work. A lovely trip to New York ends with the Ponds being zapped back in time, a tombstone confirming they died, and a letter from Amy certifying that he never went back to see them, which, of course, means that NOW he can't. It's written, it's part of the timeline.

So he gives up. He refuses to engage, he refuses to take a new companion and, you know what, this time he won't even be a Doctor. He tried that after Donna and see how it worked out, no, no, never again. He is so tired.

This is arguably the end of the post-time war era. That part of him is definitely healed, and now all his wounds come from after that.

What happens then? He meets Victorian Clara. And she dies. But he's seen Clara die before. He's seen the same person twice, he's seen her die twice, and now here she is, a third one. His curiosity gets the better of him, but there may also be a bit more: for this woman, a death is not the end.

So they travel together, she moves in, and, with her, he starts healing again. This is somewhat similar to a Nine-Rose situation. What happens next?

Well, remember how he keeps running away from loss, what he was doing with the Ponds? This time it's enforced. He is trapped on Trenzalore, leaves Clara, and can only see her every few hundred years. He is forced to stay somewhere and see everyone be born, grow up and die, strapped to a chair, Clockwork-Orange-Style, to see his worst nightmare again and again and again. He lives through it, and Clara is there, always.

He regenerates.

Clara is with him, and she becomes to his twelfth incarnation what Rose was to his tenth. After many adventures, and after a beautiful mirror of Trenzalore in which it is the doctor who is forced to die again and again, Clara leaves in a way that mirrors Donna.

He could enter a second Time Lord Victorious era at this point, but he won't. He's been here before, he knows how it works, he's older and knows better. You can't run from death forever. He says goodbye to River Song and retires, but not in a hermit way, as he'd done before, but in a Professor way. He engages. He takes Bill as a student, but he will not let her become another Rose, Martha, Donna, Amy, Clara. She is not an equal, a partner, but his student and his protegée.

He also remembers. Last time, when he was in this situation, it was the Master who was with him by his side. The Master, who is also a timelord, who grew up with him, who's always been there. Perhaps, he thinks, there is the answer. He becomes her guardian, tries to fix her.

And, as we know (but crucially he doesn't), he succeeds. But he believes she -the one who was to be his friend- betrayed him, his protegée dies because of them, and now what? He gets into an explosion, but he does not die.

He is so tired. He's been through this twice already, as Ten and as Fourteen, and something like it as Eleven. Nothing works. His last shot, Missy, fails. He refuses to do it again. He does not want to regenerate.

Here's when Thirteen comes in.

She comes right after an attempt of giving up. It comes after recalling his friends (what makes his life worth living) and recalling how much she's grown via meeting One. Fine. Another attempt. Let's go.

But, just like Ten-Eleven, this new chance comes without any self-reflection, any attempt at fixing herself. Just like Eleven, she knows that she just has to run away, she just has to make friends, keep them well, keep them happy, and everything will be okay, just don't think about it. We sometimes see her brooding on her TARDIS alone, but she resumes her act as soon as Yaz (or anyone else) appears. She won't let the Fam see anything: the Bill dynamic worked well, so they're gonna be her students, not her equals. Not again.

So she's alone, perhaps more than ever. She has no friends, only students who she wants to convince they're friends to her, her wife's dead, the only other timelord remaining, her friend, has betrayed her and trashed all her previous efforts, and now it turns out the land of Time Lords, her equals, the ones she might have come back to, the ones she'd finally saved, have been destroyed again (by her friend!) and she isn't even one of them, she's an anomaly in an entire universe. And she HAS to carry all this on her back, not relying on anyone, not letting anyone close this time (unlike Clara-Eleven), AND has to pretend everything's fine for the humans she's decided to keep with her AND now it turns out one has caught feelings for her? Requited feelings at that?

Thirteen is a tragic figure. Unlike Ten, who had ups and downs, recoveries and reprises, and Eleven, who is forced to stay in Trenzalore and recover, she just... Dies. Carrying the same trauma from start to finish, and getting more and more and more and...

She can't. She just can't. She needs to stop. In these situations, humans somatize and just collapse, but she can't. So, how does her body force her to stop?

Old face.

Not Twelve, he was also alone. Not Eleven, with Amy and Rory timelocked. Ten, then? Yes, Ten might do. Back to an old face. Her TARDIS, seizing this chance, takes him to his friend, Donna. An equal, not a student.

But he still refuses to stop, refuses to engage, he just runs and runs and runs, never stopping, never sharing, never trusting. The ONE TIME he opens up a bit, it turns out it's to Fake Donna. Actual Donna doesn't remember. He powers on, as Thirteen did.

And then he gets shot.

But his body refuses. It is NOT giving up. It is not gonna let this chance go, it is not gonna give it a new face just to keep running from everything, as Thirteen and Fourteen did. No, Fifteen won't do that. The body regenerated eighteen hours ago: theregeneration energy is still fresh. Last time it had this face, he grew a new hand. Perhaps there's time for one last trick, it thinks.

#doctor who #tenth doctor #twelfth doctor #eleventh doctor #thirteenth doctor #fourteenth doctor #regeneration #bigeneration #rose tyler #donna noble #martha jones #amy pond #bill potts #yazmin khan #rtd2 era #rtd #rtd2 #chibnall era #moffat era

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slaygentford · 10 months

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im actually so curious. dean/bela

IS YOUR MIRROR EVER A MIRROR. the most interesting thing about them and about that season in general TO MEEEEEE to me. is all the parallels that they keep pointing to obviously but also specifically the abuse parallels that they keep on purpose and not on purpose both pointing to. they're both so damaged which they both keep saying which is ssoooo fun. I guess she'd dom him or whatever but "takes one to know one" is way more interesting to me I think one of the few good things they did was NOT have them fuck because for once in their lives they maintained the tension in a season for more than 5 seconds. s3 is hilariously despite all odds one of the most intentional and best constructed seasons imo. it doesn't feel slapdash to me and never has, it's just rushed, but it's shockingly coherent for spn and theres actually suuuuch good payoff (getting dragged to hell). anyway idk how to tag this but I'm about to start talking about abuse and sexual abuse and specifically child sexual abuse so stop reading now. it's a crazy coincidence that victor my best friend victor makes that crack about it to dean in the same season that we find out Bela's backstory and I think the idea that they both have sexual trauma is sooo interesting and contributes a lot to their horrible self concept and self worth and self image and "youre so damaged/takes one to know one." not saying dean's is childhood but like obviously he has sexual trauma. an incredibly rare instance of I like what they have in canon and in my mind palace there's not even that much to add unless of course we got some sort of dean trauma backstory in conjunction with Bela's. my millionth favorite thing about them is that they never like each other. there's never a moment where they see eye to eye and share a mutual peace like with dean and victor. they fucking hate each other to the very end because they hate THEMSELVES just THAT much. NO comfort NO resolution. looking out for number one until the BITTER fucking end. you think their development is going to be they start liking each other nope. try again next time. it's SO tasty. and then of course the way on their last phone call that dean thinks he's going to get out of it. he really thinks he's going to get out of his deal. and he's so resolved and sure of himself as he leaves her to die alone. he's so so so fucking sure of it. just like she was so sure of it. and both of them are wrong. and then they get dragged to hell <3

#I fucking love season 3

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m0llygunn · 1 year

Text

Strat and Jag (Eddie Munson x fem!reader)

Summary: an unfortunate bout of eavesdropping rocks the boat of friendship between you and eddie, and ex-sailor steve helps steer you right...

Warnings: 18+ for mature content (not too explicit yet) and eventual smut, mature language, mentions of eddie trauma (parents/alluding to drug issues). Authors note: howdy this is part 2. also i take back the prologue being a prologue, thats just part one idk what im doing. This part and the 3rd part will be the main chunk of this series, then I have bonus chapters coming after! ty! wc: 6.7k+

01/02

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The Fire of All Hells

“I can’t fucking do this anymore, holy shit. She’s killing me.”

“Killing you? I don’t think it’s that serious, man.” Gareth laughs.

“No.” Eddie says harshly. “If you heard what she was saying yesterday… holy fuck, you’d understand. She is killing me.” He groans.

“Well, dude, you know what you could do?” Jeff replies sarcastically.

Eddie, Jeff, and Gareth were all setting up in the drama room and you figured you’d show up a little early with the cookies you made after Eddie left you yesterday.

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While you didn’t play DnD, you were an odd sort of an ‘unofficial’ member. You and Eddie have been friends forever so it was kind of pushed into your lap when he wanted to start his little club. And since it was a group of dimwit boys, you unwarrantedly became the founding mother of the club… alongside the founding father, Eddie— who, have it be noted, has zero organizational capabilities, not an ounce of time management skills, and absolutely no faith entrusted in him by any school faculty members. And for all of those reasons, that is why you were roped into this weird little club.

Eddie practically begged for you to be the one to ask the teachers to start the group. His far from perfect rep with them would have made the teachers obviously turn him down… but you on the other hand… you're liked enough, get good enough grades, and although have been tied to Eddie in numerous ways (including physically that one time when Eddie bought industrial level handcuffs, brought them to school to show off, cuffed you and him together to demonstrate, realized he lost the keys, and then you both spend the day cuffed together until Wayne got home to saw you free), you keep out of trouble for the most part.

After a week of Eddie groveling and a few deals set between you too, you gave in. At the time, you were in your freshman year, and Eddie was promised Wayne’s old van once he got his license, so he set the deal that he would drive you to school and home everyday (which now that you're both in your senior year, it’s a promise that he has mostly held up overtime). He also promised his eternal friendship, which was already a given so that barely sweetened the deal. It’s kind of foggy at this point, being so long ago, but you’re sure he also bought you some other shit, probably stole you some beer too, because god knows you two were fiends for any alcohol back then.

Since you had to ask to start up the club, it was your name under the club registry so it was always the drama teacher up your ass about making sure everything was cleaned properly, put away, no food left behind because of the mice… blah blah blah. So yeah… you’re practically the sole standing reason hellfire exists at Hawkins High but you don’t like to think about that… if you think too hard about it, you can’t help but cringe internally. You don’t mind their little group but you’d rather not be known as their leader— that’s all Eddie.

You knew Eddie because his dad and your dad were friends back in high school. The only difference between the two men was when your mom got pregnant with you, your dad cleaned up his life. Eddie’s dad on the other hand was the first to get a girl pregnant out of the two of them— which coincidentally happened in the same year; however, Eddie’s dad couldn’t quite give up his lifestyle. He tried for a bit, he really did, especially after Eddie’s mom skipped town, but it was just hard for him. It didn’t help when he got an injury doing some kind of labor job either. The doctors prescribed him some heavy pain medicine and that’s kind of when everything went to shit.

As a kid you never noticed. At 8 years old, you were oblivious to the havoc being dragged through the lives of everyone around you. You thought it was all fun and games. Eddie had come and stayed with your family for a few weeks and you thought it was the best. It was like a giant sleepover, probably the closest thing you’ve ever had to a sibling.

Then Wayne came into the picture. He was living down south, working as a truck driver. Once his brother got his sentence, he moved up, got the trailer, got a job at the plant, and started taking care of Eddie. He was a saint in the body of a mean-looking, tough talking trucker. Not really mean though, he’s a big ole softy, he just doesn’t let most people know that.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You take a step further into the drama room, not purposefully trying to eavesdrop, you just didn’t mean to interrupt their conversation so abruptly.

“I can’t do that.” Eddie says flatly.

“You can dude. There’s no way she doesn’t know already. Everyone already thinks you’re together since you touch her nonstop. Seriously. You’re like, attached to her at all times.” Gareth says.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Eddie’s always been touchy. Always. Gareth’s not wrong, he always has some part of himself connected to you, whether it’s a knee under the table or an arm around your shoulder, that’s just how he’s always been. He’s never shied away from physical touch and that’s normal for you two after all these years. He was your first hug with a boy, first hand hold with a boy, first kiss, second kiss. It’s always been innocent enough though, he’s your best friend after all, it just so happens to be that he’s a boy. Not a boy boy. Just a boy.

At 7 years old that’s when you two had first kissed. Then again at 10.

The first time, he was making you play some stupid game where he was a knight and you were a princess and according to him, obviously the knight had to kiss the princess. The second time he wanted to ‘practice’ playing spin the bottle. It was only the two of you so you had thought it was a dumb idea but it was Summer and you had been banished from the trailer after spending the weekend blasting the TV and probably stopping Wayne from getting any rest.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Summer of 1978

Eddie had spun the bottle 27 times before it finally landed on you. 27 times. You still remember counting each failed spin, laughter getting rowdier and rowdier at your best friend's terrible luck. The 27th time, he lit up like a damn Christmas tree when the neck of the bottle finally slowed, landing point blank in your direction. You couldn’t help the laughing fit that overcame you and you had thrown yourself backwards, clenching your aching stomach, head softly hitting the dirt floor of the forest clearing you two frequented. That’s when Eddie snuck up and stole the kiss.

You would have let him kiss you, cause that was all part of the game after all. You both had agreed on the rules before starting, but that didn’t stop your surprise when his scrawny little 11 year old body fell over yours.

You still remember distinctly the way he had grabbed your hands to pull them away from where you were holding your stomach. He pinned them both beside your head, similar to when you’d wrestle, and he looked at you with the biggest signature Eddie Munson smirk known to man. At this point, you were stronger than him still and could have easily tossed him off but it shocked you having him so close and so quickly. It took you by surprise so much so that it knocked all the giggles from you. You just laid there, in Eddie’s hold. His smirk fell and after a moment, he dipped his face to yours, and he kissed you for the second time.

“Gross Eddie!” You shrieked when you felt his slimy tongue harshly poking past your lower lip and into your mouth. He started to get up off you but you were embarrassed, so you pushed him making him land harshly on his butt.

“It’s called a French kiss.” Eddie stated matter of factly, face scrunched, hands rubbing over his lower back that stung from the impact of his landing.

“It’s disgusting and you smell like cheezies.” You say pushing yourself up from the ground and wiping his spit off your mouth.

“It’s practice.” He huffed. “And you taste like cheezies. It’s not just me.”

“I do not!” You shrieked before hauling yourself up into a standing position ready to stomp away from him. You were already embarrassed by Eddie shocking you into silence, then him telling you that you tasted like cheezies… even at 10 years old you knew that’s not what a boy would want to taste during a kiss.

“We ate cheezies, Strat.” Eddie said, rolling his eyes at you.

‘Strat’ was a nickname that your dad started. He was the guitar guy, and spent a lot of time teaching you and Eddie about music since you were toddlers. Once you got old enough to actually hold a guitar, he had two that he’d let you both mess around with; a Fender Stratocaster and a Fender Jaguar. The strat was a pretty baby blue colour that you adored, so naturally, you always called dibs on it, and Eddie got the red Jag. Your dad would call you both ‘Strat’ and ‘Jag’ and unfortunately the nickname stuck for you and you only— probably because you would whine and cry about the strat if Eddie tried to steal it from you.

At the roll of Eddie's eyes, that really set you off. You turned, stomping your feet back to the trailer park.

“Hey, I like cheezies, Strat! Don’t go!” Eddie called after you. “We’re not done playing, you still have to spin!”

“I’m telling Wayne!” You screamed, running faster to the trailer once you heard Eddie’s clumsy steps behind you.

“No! Please, don’t!” He yelled back pleadingly, making you smile to yourself revengefully. You heard his steps quicken behind you so you sprinted, making it to the door of the trailer in record speed.

You threw open the door, startling Wayne who was sat on the couch, and just as you were about to speak you felt Eddie’s hand clamp around your mouth from behind.

“Edward Munson. You take your hands off that girl.” Wayne warned sternly.

“B-but-”, Eddie began before you interrupted him by elbowing him in the stomach.

“Yeah. Hands off.” You said turning to face Eddie as he held onto his stomach. You smirked at him and he sent you pleading eyes not to tell. You weren’t going to. That never was your plan, you just wanted to see him squirm as payback for him embarrassing you.

“Ohhhhh Wayne.” You sang. Eddie’s eyes widening, his features turning increasingly pleading for you not to tell on him.

“What in god's name happened to you, you’re covered in dirt, missy.” Wayne said ignoring you. He stood from the couch, making his way over to you before his hands were patting at your back trying to get the dirt off. Your face fell and you couldn’t think of a response.

“She-she… we were playing a game and-” Eddie’s pleading look stopped and his gaze dropped to the floor. You could tell he was about to rat himself out. This boy couldn’t keep one secret from Wayne…

“I fell and Eddie helped me up.” You interject. Eddie’s gaze locked into yours, eyes wide before relaxing, sending you a small smile when he realized what you were doing.

“Her mom’s gonna kill us both, boy. You better go find her some clothes so I can throw these ones in the wash.” Wayne huffed.

Eddie ran into the trailer to his room.

“Clean clothes too, boy! Don’t give her dirty stuff!” Wayne yelled when Eddie was taking too long.

“I know Wayne.” Eddie yelled back, voice full of attitude.

After a few moments, he emerged, with his favourite Black Sabbath shirt that your dad bought for him for his birthday last year and a pair of plaid pajama bottoms.

“Go change, missy.” Wayne gruffed, patting you on the back.

Back in Eddie’s room you both sat on his floor reading his comics.

“You look pretty in that shirt.” Eddie said, interrupting the silence.

“Shut up Edward. I still don’t forgive you for trying to french kiss me.” You say, cheeks turning hot in anger, prompting you to pick up the closest discarded piece of clothing from his messy floor to throw at him.

“I'm sorry! It was just for practice.” Eddie groaned dramatically.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Before you both reached puberty it was all hugs, holding hands, sharing seats, sharing beds, just being innocently close to each other. After puberty his touchness did simmer a bit. Albeit not much though. Eddie still barely knows what personal space is, but he’s not grabbing at your hand every second like he did when you were kids.

“I don’t always touch her! Besides, it’s always been like that since we were kids, it’s normal.” Eddie says, focusing his attention on setting up.

“There’s nothing normal about the way you act around her.” Gareth says with a laugh.

“Yeah. You love her.” Jeff teases.

“And that’s the fucking problem. Thanks for really rubbing it in guys.” Eddie says exasperatedly, throwing his bag of dice onto the table carelessly.

“Just ask her out.” Jeff says, patting Eddie on the back as he slouches down onto the table.

“Oh great idea! Strat, I fucking love you. Please, go out on a date with me and potentionally fuck up our lifelong friendship. Great idea guys. Thank you so much.” Eddie says sarcastically.

During Eddie’s spiel he had picked up his bag of dice again. Finishing his scornful remark, he had thrown it down on the table, this time the dice falling out and skidding across the floor, most of them landing at your feet.

All three boys turn at once, moving to pick up the dice before they spotted you.

“Shit.” Gareth says, filling the silence of the room.

You look at Eddie and he’s gone pale, his whole face null of expression.

“I- Hey.” You stutter, clearing your throat. “I was just gonna drop these off.” You continue, stepping forward to place the container of cookies on the table.

“Hey Strat.” Jeff says nervously, being the first to snap out of his surprise. “You gonna stay today?” He asks.

“No, no… gotta help my mom with.. something.” You lie. You were gonna stay. You told the little twerps you’d stay today, but you really have to go now.

“I swore you told Dustin at lunch that you’d stay?” Gareth says, eyes narrowing in on you.

“No, I-”

“Hey guys! What’s up?” Grant greets excitedly as he enters the drama room.

“Hey Grant.” You smile before taking steps towards the door.

“Strat? You’re going?” He questions, brows furrowing at you. “Dustin said you were staying and that you had something for us?”

“No, I have to go. Bye guys.” You say, turning quickly before exiting the room.

“What’s up with her?” You hear Grant say to the guys from the hall.

“Strat! Where you going?” Lucas calls from the other end of the hall. You turn briefly, still walking backwards towards the school exit.

“Gotta go home! I left cookies for you guys in there.” You say, putting on your best cheery voice before turning and walking as fast as you can out of the school.

Shit. Eddie was right. He can’t just ask you out. That would be ruining a lifelong friendship. He can’t do that. He can’t like you. You guys are best friends. He can’t do that to you.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

At home you flop yourself on your bed. What the fuck are you gonna do?

Nothing.

You’re going to do nothing.

You’re going to pretend you didn’t hear that. Eddie doesn’t like you. He doesn’t love you. He’s not ruining your friendship— you won’t let him.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You spend the weekend convincing yourself you made up the entire conversation you overheard. Eddie called 6 times since Friday evening, but you needed the time to erase whatever you overheard in the drama room from your memory.

You spend Sunday evening contemplating if you should even take the ride from Eddie in the morning. He barely shows up Monday mornings so, who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and won’t have to see him anyways.

You were wrong though. You decided to start your walk, and halfway there, you heard the familiar rumbling of his van approaching before slowing at your side.

The van halts and you look over to see a fairly normal looking Eddie smiling at you. You try to muster a smile but you know it must look weird because he retracts into himself before motioning for you to get in.

You stop, contemplating if it’s a good idea before you hear a car coming up the road that makes the decision for you. You quickly hop into the van, buckling yourself in as Eddie starts driving before the car behind him has time to honk.

“Hey.” Eddie says.

“Hey.” You reply.

For a moment all that’s heard is the rumbling of the van engine.

“Haven’t heard from you in a while.” He says cautiously.

“Yeah. Sorry. Was busy.” You lie. You spent the whole weekend in bed doing fuck all but thinking about the situation at large.

“Busy?” Eddie asks. He knew you weren’t busy. You told him a few days that you had no plans. You were supposed to go over to his, but obviously that didn’t happen.

“Yeah. Busy. My mom needed help with something.” You say, sticking with the same lie from Friday.

“Something?” He questions. Without looking at him, you can tell he's smiling.

“You’re just full of questions, aren’t you?” You say flatly, copying his same avoidant statement from Thursday night when he claimed to be helping Wayne with ‘something’. He huffs a breath out of his nose in what sounds like amusement, but you don’t think this is funny.

You don’t say more and neither does he for the rest of the ride. When you pull into the lot, you both get out before walking into the school. It’s mostly normal, except for the fact that it’s dead silent between the two of you. You don’t think it’s ever been this quiet between you.

When you see Robin, you use her as your escape.

“Robin!” You call. She turns to you and you wave at her. You start walking towards her and out of your periphery, you can see Eddie still trailing beside you.

“Bye Eddie.” You say, stopping to turn toward him. You can’t look at him though, not in the eyes. You haven’t yet, apart from through the window of the van.

“Bye Strat.” He says quietly.

You quickly push your way through the halls, leaving Eddie behind until you get to Robin.

“What was that?” She asks as soon as you’re close enough to hear her.

“What was what?” You question.

“What did you say to him, he looked like he was gonna cry?” Robin says furrowing her eyebrows at you.

“I just said bye?” You say.

“Just bye?” She says skeptically. You nod your head at her.

She grabs a book out of her locker, eyes still on you, clearly not believing you.

“Steve said that those little twerps said something happened.” She says flatly.

“Like what?” You ask hoping she has some drama that’ll take your mind off of all this.

“Something with you and Eddie.”

“Why’d they say that?” You roll your eyes.

“Cause something did happen?” She says, waiting for you to fill her in but you don’t.

She stares at you, waiting for you to spill but truly, there’s nothing to spill. You let your eyes roam the hall, feeling awkward under her scrutinizing look before the slamming of her locker startles you.

“You heard them talking didn’t you?” She asks.

“Heard who?” You ask and you physically feel Robin's annoyance rising.

“Strat. Stop playing dumb.” She scolds.

“Robin. I’m not playing dumb.” You reply, sticking to your guns. It didn’t happen. You didn’t hear anything. Nothing happened.

“Strat-” Robin starts, getting interrupted by the first bell.

“Gotta go Robs! Good talk.” You say before bolting to home room.

You usually sit next to Eddie, but it’s fine. Nothing happened, right? Don’t need to be weird around him, right?

You cross the class to your seat at the back of the room, the spot next to you still empty. Little by little the class fills and by the time the second bell goes, you’re still left sitting alone at the back of the class.

Halfway through the class, you’re still sitting alone.

You try to focus on taking notes— especially now since you know you’re gonna have to teach this shit to Eddie who’s currently skipping, but you’re having a hard time focusing.

When the teacher steps out of the class to get her forgotten worksheets from her office you lean forward in your chair, poking Jeff in the back.

“Where is he?” You ask, when he turns.

“Seriously?” He laughs. You frown, not appreciating being laughed at right in your face.

“Yeah. Seriously.” You reply sharply.

“I think you know the answer to that.” Jeff says before turning forward again.

Okay. Ouch. You always thought of Jeff as being the nicest out of the three older hellfire guys, but that was cold.

You didn’t see Eddie for the rest of the day. Matter of fact, you didn’t see him until the next morning when he did the same thing. You had started walking and he drove up behind you, slowing, and you got in. The ride was in complete silence. Not a word or a glance.

When you got to school, you parted ways immediately, without as much as a goodbye. Eddie didn’t show up to homeroom and Jeff didn’t look your way, not that you would have started a conversation with him after yesterday.

You had seen Gareth and Grant walking in the hall and you waved. You know they both saw you but they kept walking, not reciprocating your wave, and it really fucking stung.

That evening you walked home again. Alone.

The next morning, you walked the whole way to school. Alone. No Eddie in homeroom.

You were miserable. And to make matters worse, that morning, the drama teacher called you to his office over the intercom and proceeded to tear you a new one about how things were left in the drama room last Friday. You lied and said you weren’t feeling good and left things a bit of a mess, and that you were very sorry. By the end of the conversation, he was less so scolding you and more so giving you a pitiful look. Maybe you appeared as shitty as you felt, who knows, but you didn’t get detention so at least you got that win. He let you off with a warning instead but made sure to add that if it happens again this Friday, that’s it for your club.

Before lunch you set out to find the only hellfire members that you were certain would not give you the cold shoulder.

“Dustin! Mike!” You called, stopping them before they could enter the cafeteria. You really didn’t want to go in there, knowing Eddie would be there for sure.

You jogged to catch up with them, both of them stopped right at the door.

“Hey, do you mind doing me a favor?” You ask, trying to not seem like the shell of a person that you feel like.

“Yeah? What’s up?” Mike replies.

“Mr. Joels called me to his office and said if you guys leave the drama room like that again he’s gonna cancel hellfire permanently. Can you tell Eddie?”

“Can’t you tell him?” Mike says before Dustin hits him on the arm.

Dustin turns slightly, peering into the caf and your eyes follow, narrowing in on the person you’re always first to look for in a room. You feel whatever shards of a heart you have left dissolve when you see how miserable he looks too.

“S-so can you tell him?” You stutter, trying to pull your attention away from Eddie.

“Strat? Why didn’t you stay on Friday?” Dustin asks quietly.

“B-because.” You stutter again, feeling far too terrible to put up with any more interrogating and far too tired to keep up your lies.

“You heard him didn’t you?” He asks. Yeah. You heard him. You can’t lie to yourself anymore. You can’t pretend you didn’t. It’s not helping anyone. It’s not saving any friendship, because look at this. This isn’t preservation.

All you can do is nod your head, eyes glued to your shoes.

“He likes you, Strat.” Dustin says. You shake your head, disagreeing.

“He does.” Mike adds. You shake your head harder.

“No. He said he loves me.” You say, voice coming out croaky, lowering lip jetting out like you're about to cry.

You bring the palms of your hands to your eyes, pushing until all you can see is black. You’re not about to cry in front of these freshies. You’re not.

You hear the scuffing of their shoes on the floor before you feel a hand on your arm.

“Hey. It’s okay. Strat. Seriously, we can tell him. Don’t cry.” Dustin coos nervously, obviously not having the intent of making you teary eyed.

“I’m not crying.” You huff, pulling your hands from your damp eyes.

“No-yeah! You’re not crying. Don’t worry, we'll tell the guys.” Dustin says genuinely, his demeanor remaining soft yet incredibly nervous. Mike continues looking back into the caf, obviously looking for help from anybody. “So you’re not gonna sit with us?” He asks tentatively.

You shake your head, not trusting yourself to speak.

“Well, if you want to come back eventually, uh- we miss you.” He says. You laugh and both boys look taken aback.

“Gareth and Grant pretended I didn’t exist when I saw them in the hall. Jeff laughed in my face when I asked about Eddie and then proceeded to give me the cold shoulder. They don’t miss me, trust me.” You say, exhaling deeply before standing up straighter, ready to end this conversation.

“We do miss you! Seriously.” Mike adds, looking nervous like it might not be the right thing to say.

“Thanks guys.” You say, accepting their sentiments. “Tell Lucas I said hey and sorry for running off on him on Friday. And sorry to you guys too, I did say I was going to stay and then I didn’t.” You add before turning on your heels, heading off to the library without waiting for their reply.

That evening, instead of moping in your room again, you decided to walk to family video. Making matters worse, your dad bought a new distortion pedal for his guitar and he’s been bugging you about getting Eddie to come over to check it out since Sunday. You're clean out of excuses and can’t handle him asking you again tonight, so getting out of the house seems like your best option. Robin usually doesn’t work Wednesday, which leaves Steve closing by himself. You’re not mad at Robin, you just can’t handle the interrogation.

Steve wouldn’t push you for answers like Robin would. He wouldn’t give you the cold shoulder like the other guys. He wouldn’t be the first person you’d hang out with, that of course would be Eddie but… yeah. Steve is a good friend though.

As soon as you walk into the video store you hear Steve calling your name from the register.

“Hey! Long time no see!” He says happily.

“Yeah. How are you!” You ask, trying to return his chipper attitude but it comes out meek.

“Eh, living the dream.” He says, smiling. He rounds the counter, leaning against it, beside where you’re standing. “And what about you?” He asks, quirking a brow.

“I’ve been better.” You say honestly. “Mind if I chill with you for a bit?” You ask, looking around the empty store.

“Not at all, in fact, I welcome it.” He laughs, his own eyes grazing the desolate isles.

You take a seat behind the counter with him, just talking about nothing. You can tell Steve’s waiting for you to bring something up though, he keeps giving you knowing looks whenever there’s a lull in conversation.

When he turns away to help some customers you mentally give yourself a pep talk to talk about it. You’re not going to cry.

“So… I assume the children and Robin filled you in?” You say, once Steve joins you again after the customers have left.

“That they did.” He says, smiling at you with a nod of his head.

“And?” You say, waiting for him to bombard you like Robin did.

“And what? What do I think?” He asks. You sit back, surprised by his response.

“I guess.” You say shrugging.

“Well… you and Munson are close. Obviously. Totally and completely close. I can see why you’re like… y’know… freaked out or whatever. In denial, like Robin said.” Steve says, shrugging his shoulders, mirroring your action.

You look up at Steve in total shock from his extremely validating answer and he just smiles back at you.

“Don’t you think… Am I not.. in the wrong? I mean, it feels like everybody's mad at me… but like, I don’t know what to do?” You say quietly, stumbling through your thoughts.

“I don’t think you’re in the wrong. Feelings are complicated, there’s not really a right or a wrong.” Steve says genuinely, surprising you.

“Wise.” You laugh.

“Well, you know. I’ve had my fair share of feelings.” Steve laughs.

“How did you know when you- uh…” You trail off. Steve waits patiently for you to speak and you’re beyond thankful for it. “With Nancy, how’d you know?” You say, mustering you all of your courage.

“I think that’s a little different because we weren’t close friends first, but… it’s hard to say. I guess I just really wanted to be with her, even if it was just hanging out. Thought about her like 24/7. All of that corny shit, like butterflies and blushing and feeling like you can’t breathe.” Steve says, grabbing a tape off the counter and fidgeting with it in his hands.

“Sorry for asking about Nancy.” You say, picking up his discomfort as soon as he starts playing with his hair, pushing it back over and over again.

“Don’t worry about it, seriously.” He says, reaching a hand across and patting your knee in a friendly manner.

“I guess, I’m just confused cause… I’ve never thought of Eddie that way, but… maybe I have?” You say, questioning yourself.

“Hmm.” Steve hums, thinking to himself.

“Like, I feel like Eddie’s my person. He’s the only one that I want to hang out with all the time, and I always think about him… but the butterflies and all that other stuff you said, I don’t know. I feel like Eddie's just Eddie, he doesn’t make me nervous like that.

“Well that could be because you’ve known him your whole life?” Steve gathers. “And I’m not trying to fuck with your head or anything, but you can’t say you don’t blush at stuff he does. I’ve seen it before.” Steve smiles at you genuinely.

“What?” You scrunch your face. You so do not blush because of Eddie. “When?”

“Halloween. Jonathon was taking all those photos and Eddie kissed you on the cheek for one of them. You seriously went bright as a tomato and there’s photo evidence.” Steve laughs.

You remember that night. You did blush, but you blamed it on the alcohol consumed… even though you only had half a beer at that point. You literally went hot all over and then you blamed it on not eating enough before drinking.

“Oh my god.” You say, mostly for yourself. Eddie had made you blush. He made you blush hard.

“Am I right?” Steve says smugly. You reach across, hitting Steve on the shoulder but he swats you away with a laugh.

“I hate to say it Steve, but maybe you’re onto something.” You smile in disbelief.

“You people have no faith in me.” Steve says, faking hurt.

All you can do is smile at him because things are finally starting to make a little more sense.

“Well, want to keep going or are you tapping out of feelings?” Steve says, quirking his brow at you, making you laugh.

“What are you? Dr. Harrington? PhD in love?” You joke, grabbing your own tape off the counter to fiddle with.

“Oh yeah. Took a lot of heartbreak to get my PhD but hey, if it helps at least one person, maybe it was all worth it.” He laughs.

The conversation lulls for a moment but you quickly break it, deciding you’re not tapping out of your feelings, how could you when you’re so close to understanding?

“Do you think it’ll ruin our friendship? Like what if it doesn’t work out?” You spit out your worst fear, but it doesn’t even phase Steve.

“Well, from what I heard from Robs, how’s your friendship going right now?” Steve says cautiously with a softness to his voice.

“Horrible. I’m miserable. He looks miserable, but I haven’t really talked to him since last Thursday and even then he was acting weird.” You frown thinking about how Eddie looked in the cafeteria, slouched in his seat at the table, eyes all sad, not even talking to the guys— and Eddie is a talker, it’s not fucking normal for him not to be talking.

“Right. And you’re still confused about if you have feelings for him?” Steve asks genuinely, curious but not prying.

“I mean yeah. Like, I pictured Eddie in my life forever, but I never even considered it in that way or really any way at all. I never put much thought into it, ever.” You say honestly.

“You don’t… you know.. think about him sexually.” Steve asks, grinning. You look down into your lap, shyly and you feel your cheeks heat but it’s an easy question you know the answer to.

“Truthfully? I always blamed it on him being so close to me. Like proximity planted all that shit in my head. And like… obviously I trust him and stuff so, like… if I thought about him like that, I always told myself it’s because I could trust him and that’s it.” You say, hiding in your hands. Steve grabs at your hands, before shooting you an amused smile. He’s so stupid, but this is fucking working, he’s actually making everything make sense.

“So you’re attracted to him?” Steve says once your blush cools.

“Eddie’s fucking beautiful. I’ve never been shy to say that. Well, except when he was, like, going through puberty, that was scary.” You say widening your eyes, remembering how gangly and extra clumsy he was right after his growth spurt, and the awkward squeaky voice he had for an entire summer before his voice dropped. Steve laughs at you, clearly enjoying the terror that flashes over your face when you remember the first time you found his porn stash that somehow moved in right along with puberty.

“And… correct me if I’m wrong but you’ve never had a boyfriend, right?” Steve says.

“You are correct.” You say sheepishly.

“And why’s that?” He asks. You shrug, starting to feel nervous.

“You don’t have to tell me. I’m not judging you for your choices, just might be helpful to think about?” Steve says softly, leaving it as an optional question with a way out if you so please.

“Yeah. I think, just… dunno. Whenever I’d think about going on a date, I’d always think about Eddie and that would kind of cut the idea short, if that makes sense? Not that I’d think about going on dates with him, just like, if I thought about going on a date it was more so, like… ‘well I usually hang out with Eddie so there’s no time’.” You ramble, nerves getting to you.

“Makes total sense. But you don’t think you associated Eddie with dating because…” Steve leads, leaving open space in his point for you to conclude.

“Because I want to date Eddie?” You say out loud, trying to piece together the puzzle that you’ve been recklessly throwing the pieces around to for far too long.

“Once again, I’m not trying to make you think any particular way. Just helping you get to your own conclusions. Think of me as an impartial mediator.” Steve says, standing up from his spot, starting to pile some tapes back into a cart. You stand too, starting to help him since you’ve stolen so much of his time.

“You really should consider getting a PhD or something, cause damn. Much to think about.” You laugh. “When did you get so wise.” You joke, pushing at his shoulder.

“Yeah. Definitely would never qualify for a PhD, but thanks.” Steve laughs, placing the final VHS from the counter into the basket. “Now, want to do returns with me? Either that or we leave them for Robin tomorrow and when she chews me out I'll totally blame it on you so…” Steve says, tilting his face at you, raising his brows waiting for your response.

“Already had Robin chew me out enough.” You smile, grabbing the return bin for Steve.

You ended up staying with Steve until close. After he dropped you off at home, you spent the whole night thinking about everything you talked through with Dr. Harrington.

Even after a night of contemplation, you kept thinking about it into the next day. You thought about it as you walked by yourself to school, sat through home room alone, ate lunch alone, walked home alone, and spent the evening alone.

You like Eddie.

It’s so fucking clear now.

I mean, every time you’ve ever pictured your future? It’s always been with Eddie. Every dirty thought, every wet dream, every time you touched yourself, it’s always been about Eddie. You don’t go on dates and you’ve never cared to, because you have Eddie. Eddie is your person though and through.

You don’t just like Eddie. You love him.

And when that thought crosses your mind, you feel sick. Feels like someone is both tickling you and also absolutely bludgeoning you from the inside out. Is this what butterflies are? Holy fuck.

When you think about Eddie spilling his guts to Jeff and Gareth in the drama room, you get that feeling and, god, is it horrible. But also… it makes you giddy?

You think about Eddie and suddenly you can’t wipe the stupid grin off your face. You think about his eyes, his nose, his stupid jokes, his laugh, and you get that fluttery feeling.

Deeper into the night you think about Eddie’s lips. You think about his hands, his arms, the way he always is touching you, the ways he could touch you, and you get a different feeling. Like a heat brewing in you. A desire, a neediness. Sure, you’ve thought things about Eddie, but never this purposefully. It makes you squirm in your bed until you get up and go grab water to cool yourself down.

You wake up befuddled with feelings. Like Steve was a fucking train conductor and you just got run over.

It doesn’t help that you remembered that you kind of fucked this up already. It’s Friday. It’s been a whole week since you overheard him.

It’s barely been 24 hours of you feeling so full of feelings. If Eddie was sure enough to admit he loved you to the guys, how long has he been feeling like this? If he’s felt anywhere near the way you feel now, he must have been drowning. And you were just letting him. And now, you’ve made him go a week, knowing that you know that he loves you, and you just went awol.

Your mind goes to what he said in the drama room.

“She’s killing me.”

You’ve been killing him. It didn’t make sense at first, but now it does. It makes perfect sense and it took you until 5PM on Friday night to understand it after a long day of skipping school, laying in bed, and stress baking. And you need to stop it.

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ty <3

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