#i want to imagine qui gon being able to see anakin because hes already such a weird dude

[jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets]

The Will of the Force - CH 15

Fandom: Star Wars Rating: Mature Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Obikin     AO3     Masterlist

Summary:  What if Obi-wan hadn’t been granted permission to train Anakin in the ways of the Force? What if Qui-Gon hadn’t perished during the battle with Darth Maul? How differently would things have turned out?

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Chapter 15

     Cody patched up Obi-Wan in the ship's medbay. The entire time Obi-Wan hadn't moved, hadn't said a word, he wouldn't even look up from the floor. He just sat on the bed with his head down while Cody poked and prodded at all the cuts on his hands and face, not even a wince or a whimper of pain escaped his lips. 

     The Clone had known the Jedi for a long time now, they had fought side by side many times, and because of it he knew Obi-Wan very well, he thought sometimes he even knew him better then he knew himself. And with that came knowing Obi-Wan’s many intricacies, every inch of his personality, who he was as not only a Jedi but a human being as well. Though Obi-Wan may have been a fairly private person over the time they had known each other, Cody had come to be able to read between his lines, as best friends usually could. 

     “You love him,” Cody said as he worked on cleaning a particularly deep cut on one of the Jedi's knuckles.

     Obi-Wan finally lifted his head to look Cody in the eyes. “I…” He sputtered, not entirely sure what to say.

     Cody merely huffed a laugh. “It doesn't take a genius to see it, Obi-Wan.”

     “How did you…?”

     “I have known you for many years now, my friend,” Cody said, letting Obi-Wan’s hand fall back to his knee, “and in all my years with you, I have never seen you look like this.” Obi-Wan just nodded his understanding. “Did you fall for him during the mission?”

     “I think… I think Anakin and I have always been fated to be together,” he answered, returning his gaze to the floor, “he was young when we first parted ways, many years ago, and though our bond wasn't able to grow with the distance that was forced between us, it has been able to blossom in our time together on Naboo.”

     “And now?” Cody asked, but Obi-Wan only gave him a slight shake of his head. “Hey, you know you can tell me anything, right? Jedi code or not, I don't care. You're my friend, I want what you want, and damn the rest.”

     Obi-Wan scoffed, “You sound exactly like Qui-Gon. He told me much the same before Anakin and I left the palace.”

     “Smart man,” Cody nodded, then doubled back, “so tell me, after everything that happened on Naboo with your bond being able to grow, how do you feel now?”

     “Now,” Obi-Wan sighed and closed his eyes, “I cannot see a life without him in it.”

     “You should tell Master Qui-Gon. He has always stood by you, I can't imagine he wouldn't do the same now.”

     “I intend to tell him,” Obi-Wan confirmed, “I had hoped when I received his message it was to tell me that Anakin was safe and we could go home. And once I had taken Anakin back to the palace on Naboo, I was going to tell Qui-Gon that I was leaving the Order to stay with Anakin.”

     “You love him that much.”

     “I do,” Obi-Wan was nearly in tears, worried that he was never going to get to have that future with Anakin now, “I have to have him back.”

     “And you will.” Both Obi-Wan and Cody looked to the door where Qui-Gon was standing. He nodded to both of them as he walked over, then turned to the Clone beside him. “Cody, if I may have a moment alone with my Padawan?”

     “Of course, Sir.” Cody saluted them both and left, then Obi-Wan turned to Qui-Gon.

     “How much did you hear?” 

     “Enough,” Qui-Gon answered, and then sat on the bed beside Obi-Wan, “but even if I hadn't heard any of it, I already knew what your fate held upon your return from the Villa.”

     “You… how?”

     “My dear Padawan,” Qui-Gon nudged his shoulder with his own, gracing him with a small smile, “as you told Cody, you and Anakin were always fated to be together, and I can feel within the Force that this is true. You belong with Anakin, and he with you. I support any decision you make in the matter, Obi-Wan, including your leaving the Order to be with him.”

     “That is if…” He sighed hard, trying to stave off the panic attack he could feel creeping up on him. “If we-”

     “When, Obi-Wan, because we will get him back,” he placed a hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder, “the Sith have not won this battle yet.”

     “I just…” Obi-Wan stood and started pacing the floor in front of Qui-Gon, both of his palms dug deep into his eyes. “He should never have been taken by Maul, I should have been able to protect him, and I… I failed him!” 

     Obi-Wan turned and punched a fist hard into the metal wall of the ship. He didn't care about the pain it caused his already bruised and cut hands, or that it reopened his wounds and he could already see the blood soaking through the bandages. He deserved it, he'd let Anakin down, he was the reason he was lost. 

     “This is not your fault, Obi-Wan, you cannot blame yourself.”

     “Oh, yes I can,” he turned and nodded, crossing his arms over his chest so Qui-Gon couldn't see the blood on his knuckles, “I let myself think that we were safe there, that nothing was going to happen. I completely dropped all of my shields and let the Sith walk right in the front door and take Anakin. I should have sensed him coming.”

     “None of us sensed them,” Qui-Gon shook his head, “the Sith infiltrated the Senate, were seated amongst us for years without a single member of the Order sensing so much as a blip within the Force. You couldn't have known, even Master Yoda was fooled.”

     “The Senate?” Obi-Wan stopped his pacing and turned to Qui-Gon. He had been so focused on everything that happened on Naboo that he hadn't even stopped to wonder how it had all come to pass. “What happened with the Senate?”

     “When I told you of my suspicions that the Sith were somehow involved, I never envisioned that it would have gone as far as it had,” he started, “Padmé and I worked with the Council to try and lure out the mole we suspected was planted within the Senate and working with the Sith, and once we had, we had planned to hand them over to the Council for their fate to be decided. But as it turned out the mole we were searching for was actually a Sith Lord, and that Sith Lord turned out to be the Chancellor himself.”

     “Palpatine?!” Obi-Wan exclaimed with wide eyes. “He is a Sith Lord? But he's been a close advisor to the Queen for years! She trusted him, Anakin trusted him!”

     “We all did, and he deceived us all.”

     “Why didn't he just take Anakin any of the times he was alone with him on Naboo? Why go through all of this and send bounty hunters after him, why infiltrate the Senate?” He started up his pacing again and shook his head.

     “Clear your mind and think, Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon said as he stood and crossed his arms over his chest. Obi-Wan was ever jealous of his ability to remain as calm as he always did, even in the most dire of situations. “He is a Sith Lord, Maul is his Apprentice. Whatever they are planning surely has many intricate webs weaved farther into the Senate and the Order then we will ever be able to understand. To take Anakin so openly would have been foolish, it would have outed them much sooner than Padmé and I managed to do. It was too risky a move, that is why he hired the bounty hunters to secure Anakin for him, only they failed so he had Maul do it in their place. Surely they would have liked their identities to have remained secret, but we disrupted that, and now Palpatine’s influence over the Senate and the Order is no more.”

     “You're right. Of course you're right, it would have made no sense to out himself so easily. And he may have possibly been trying to win Anakin over all those years. If he'd planned to use Anakin all along then getting him to comply willingly would have been an easier path, but thank the Force he took after Padmé.” He ran a hand down his tired face and stopped to rub at his beard in thought. “But how did they even find us? Did you inform the Chancellor of our plans to hide Anakin before you discovered his identity as a Sith Lord?”

     Qui-Gon shook his head, sorrow flashing in his eyes, “Palpatine needs Anakin for whatever it is he is planning, and he knew that there would only be a limited number of people who knew where the Prince would be hiding. He also knew there was no way he would be able to get to myself or Padmé easily.”

     “... Gregar.” Obi-Wan sighed and dropped himself hard into the chair behind him, facing Qui-Gon on the bed. He had just realized that Gregar was not on the ship, and when it came to Anakin's safety and rescue, he would have been the first one on the ship and ready to take down the Sith. But since he wasn't here it could only mean one thing.

     “Palpatine lured him into a trap,” Qui-Gon explained, “Maul tortured him and used the Force to extract your location from his weakened mind. Gregar died trying to keep your secret, trying to keep both you and Anakin safe.”

     “Anakin will be devastated,” Obi-Wan said and leaned forward, resting his face in his hands, “he was close with Gregar. He was a good man, he didn't deserve this.”

     “No, he didn't,” Qui-Gon agreed, then reached out to place a hand on his knee, “so let us ensure that his sacrifice was not in vain.”

     Obi-Wan lifted his head from his hands with a new found determination, his chest heaving with the rage he could feel building within him. “Maul will pay for what he did to Gregar, and I will personally make sure they both pay for taking my Anakin away from me.”

     The doors to the room opened and Cody rushed in, both of them turning to him. “We may have a lead!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

     Maul landed his ship on the dark barren plains of the planet Sidious had given him the coordinates to. He stepped out, his cloak billowing behind him as a snapping wind barrelled through the open space he walked, between his ship and the magnificent Citadel before him. As he walked he looked over the top of the Citadel to the swirling cyclone planted there. Lightning crashed down around them from the centre of the storm, lighting up the walkway in a furious flash of blue along with the figure who stood waiting for him.

     “My Lord,” he bowed deep, then stood again, “what is this planet?”

     “Welcome to the home of the Sith, my Apprentice,” Sidious raised his arms, the thunder and lightning crashing around them in seemingly perfect synchronicity with the Dark Lord, “this is where we will enact our plan, this is where we will bring the dark side to the height of its power and swallow what light there is left in the Galaxy.”

     Maul closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, exhaling long and slow. “The darkness is strong here, I can feel it.”

     “Yes, my Apprentice,” he then eyed Anakin behind Maul, still unconscious and still being dragged toward them by the Droids, and his mouth turned up into a sickening grin, “and with the added power of Skywalker’s strong connection to the Force, we will surely be unstoppable.”

     Maul matched his grin, his hideous yellow teeth reflecting the blue glow of each thrash of lightning.

     “Take him inside the Citadel,” he turned and started walking with Maul and Anakin on his heels, “once he wakes up, willing or not, he will be the downfall of the Republic and the beginning of the rise of the Empire.

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

     Anakin woke with a raging headache. He felt sluggish and tired, like he was in a haze. As he slowly came to and opened his eyes, fighting hard against his heavy eyelids, he felt his heart rate instantly skyrocket. He didn't recognize where he was, and he was being held up in the air with his arms and legs stretched out, the energy bonds holding him tightly in place despite the beginnings of his struggling. But the thing that terrified him the most was that Obi-Wan was nowhere to be found, and he couldn't feel him through the bond anymore. 

     He could feel the dried blood on his cheek crack when he grunted, trying to break the bonds pinching his wrists and ankles with no success, and he could see that his right eye was swollen and probably black. He looked around him in search of Obi-Wan, desperate to at the very least feel him through the bond, but he couldn't find him, couldn't hear him, couldn't sense him at all, and it terrified him that something horrible had happened. 

     The last thing he remembered was being attacked in their room back at the Villa. He had been dressing so he could join Obi-Wan while they listened to Master Qui-Gon’s message together, but before he even made it there he was faced with the terrifying sight of a man. He had red and black skin, glowing yellow eyes, and he was sure there were horns, like a crown atop his head. He had to have been a Sith Lord. Anakin didn't know much about the Force yet, but with what little he did understand thanks to Obi-Wan’s teachings, he knew the feeling that surrounded him when he was met with the man could have only meant one thing. That man was connected to the dark side, and he must be the reason why he was here in this place right now instead of back at the Villa with Obi-Wan where he belonged.

     “You're awake.” Doors opened to Anakin's left and two figures walked toward him. The first was completely covered by his cloak and oversized hood, but the second he recognized instantly, how could he not remember those red and black markings, they would surely haunt him for years to come. If he made it out of this, that is. 

     “Where am I?” He growled, trying his best to not sound as terrified as he actually was.

     “You are on the Sith home world, in our Citadel,” the cloaked one said, and his voice seemed almost… familiar to Anakin, but that couldn't be. How could he have come across a Sith Lord in his past and not have known? “Can’t you feel the darkness? Embrace it, embrace the power that thrives here.”

     “No,” he forced out. And though he didn't want to admit it, he could feel the darkness here, he’d felt it the second he woke up, creeping around him and trying to burrow beneath his skin, wanting to claim him. But he would have no part in it. Obi-Wan had warned him of the dark side of the Force during their training, and had told him of the dangers and the deviousness of it. He would be disappointed in him if he let the dark side in, and he never wanted to disappoint him. Obi-Wan was pure radiance, his lighthouse in the darkness, and Anakin would never stray, not while he had Obi-Wan to always guide him back to shore. “I will never let the dark side in.”

     “You will, willingly or otherwise, it will claim you.”

     That voice, though distorted and slightly muffled under the large hood, he was still sure he'd heard it before. “You can try all you want, but you won't win, I will never stop fighting the dark side.”

     “As resilient as ever you remain, I see.”

     Anakin tilted his head at that remark. “Do you… who are you? Why don't you stop hiding behind that hood and face me like a real man! Or are you too much of a coward to show your face?”

     “My boy, I must say I am a bit disappointed you didn't recognize my voice. But I shall grant your wish just this once.”

     As soon as the Sith Lord removed his hood and Anakin finally laid eyes on the familiar face, he felt the anger rise within him instantly and he struggled against the bonds once again. “You!” He shouted, his face contorted with rage. “How could you be a Sith Lord!? You've been a trusted ally to us for years! Padmé trusted you, I trusted you! You were like family to us, how could you do this?!”

     “The moment Padmé brought you into the palace I instantly felt the strength of the Force within you and I knew, even if you weren't trained by the Jedi, that you were exactly what I needed to take them down,” he sneered, enraging Anakin even more.

     “So you lied! Everything you did for us, all the time we spent together, getting Padmé to help you rise up to become the Chancellor of the Senate, it was all just a dirty trick to get close to me!”

     “Exactly right, my dear boy. But then that… Jedi!” He spat, his face darkening as he stalked closer to Anakin. “If my bounty hunters hadn't failed me on Nesperrow, if they had done their research and knew you weren't on that ship and attacked it for no reason, then that Jedi would have never barged in and taken you away! But it matters not now, it took a little longer than planed, but now I finally have you and I can begin my take down of the entire Jedi Order.”

     “I won't help you!” Anakin screamed, “I will not help you destroy the Jedi!”

     “My boy, I don't need you to comply, i will force you to surrender to the dark side eventually,” he said, and was now just a few inches away from where Anakin was being held up by the energy bonds, “I only needed you to be here, I can do the rest myself.”

     “I'm stronger than you think, I'm not the little boy you remember from your time spent with us on Naboo, I will resist you.”

     Palpatine shrugged, seemingly not worried about Anakin's resistance at all. “You can try, my boy, but the dark side is much stronger than you think you are. Here, have a taste!”

     Strands of lightning shot out from Palpatine's hands and hit Anakin hard in the chest, shooting throughout his entire body. He tossed his head back, a grunted groan of pain escaping him, mixed with the sick cackle coming from Palpatine. He was enjoying this, enjoying watching Anakin suffer, and enjoying being the one to torture him. 

     When he let Anakin go his body lulled forward, the energy bonds digging deeper into the skin around his wrists and ankles, his breath coming out in heaved gasps. “You'll pay for this. When Obi-Wan gets his hands on you-”

     “Obi-Wan?!” He cut him off with another menacing laugh. “You think I'm worried about that second rate Jedi?”

     “You should be,” he panted, “when he sees what you've done to me, he'll destroy you and stop whatever plan you have to take down the Jedi.”

     Palpatine leaned in close, tilting his head up to leer at Anakin. “Why would I worry about a dead man?”

     Anakin's heart sank to his feet. It couldn't be, Obi-Wan couldn't be… “No…” He whispered, tears instantly welling in his eyes, “No, he's not…”

     “He is, dear boy, his body rots in the shattered remains of your perfect little hideaway.” Anakin could only shake his head, he didn't want to believe this, he didn't want to accept that Obi-Wan was dead, that the man he loved was gone. But he still couldn't feel him in the bond, and now the tears were flowing freely down his cheeks. “But not to worry, you will soon be seeing him again. Once I'm finished with you, I will personally reunite you with your beloved Jedi.”

     The two Sith Lords turned and walked back the way they came, leaving Anakin to wallow in the devastation of his loss. Once they were gone and the echoes of their steps had ebbed, the only thing that could be heard in the room was the devastating cries of Anakin's pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:  Merry Christmas Eve my friends, have another update! I probably wont update again until sometime after the 27th since that's when my family is having our Christmas, so I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas, I hope Santa is very good to you, and I will see you all soon! <3

Tags: @peaches-n-pancakes

[tennessoui]

for obikin, maybe pretending to hate each other au? (sth where their ages are a little closer, perhaps, so obi-wan can be intensely petty and not feel the need to Set an Example)

45. (Pretending To) Hate Each Other (raised as Sith!Anakin, salty!Padawan Obi-Wan)(1.6k)

Obi-Wan turns away from the training stalles with a barely suppressed sneer. Anakin, as he is to be called, has defeated his opponents. His fellow Padawans. Darth Vader has become a Padawan and everyone is just fine with it.

Obi-Wan marches out into the halls, not knowing where he’s going, but knowing he must get away from the smirk on Anakin’s face as he had lowered his training saber to his opponent’s neck. Does no one but Obi-Wan remember how just months ago Vader’s saber had been pressed against his neck and it hadn’t been a training exercise? Does no one remember the atrocities Anakin had committed, the sentients Anakin had killed?

And yet Obi-Wan’s master seems infinitely fascinated by the boy. And yet Obi-Wan, it seems, cannot step out of his own room without finding this Anakin underfoot, either taking tea with his Master, or dolefully skulking around the doorway of Obi-Wan’s quarters. What draws the boy, he has no lasting idea.

They’re approximately the same age, he supposes, although Obi-Wan has a few years at least on Anakin--it’s clearer to see now that Anakin has stopped wearing his helmet and armor into battle, now that the lines of his face are not hardened by scowls and snarls. Really, he’s a boy. His medical chart puts him at eighteen, making him four years Obi-Wan’s junior.

And, he supposes, Qui-Gon was the one to find Anakin wounded on the battlefield, the one to insist they treat the Sith, heal him, and give him shelter. But Obi-Wan was the one who had found the slave chip embedded between his ribcage, the one who had alerted the Council to its presence, so it could be used to find the boy’s master, to capture him or kill him, to end the war.

But surely, whatever small part Obi-Wan had played in the war’s conclusion, the Force should have known better than to repay him by gifting him with the care and keeping of a Sith Lord, Chosen One or not.

Although Obi-Wan can admit, even if only to himself, that it’s worse when Vader latches onto anyone else in the Temple. His master is too starry-eyed by his ideas of Vader’s midichlorians, his destiny as the Chosen One, to see the boy in front of him now.

And anyone younger than Vader is too easily swayed by his looks, his charm, his disgustingly transparent eagerness to know about the Temple, about the Jedi way of life.

Obi-Wan knows this. He’s fought a Sith at 20, fended it off after it dealt a nearly fatal blow to his Master. They cannot be reasoned with. Vader cannot be reasoned with.

Anakin exists only as a figment of their imaginations, their desire to have the Chosen One fly under the Jedi colors. He is not real, not anymore.

Gradually, Obi-Wan finds himself making his way up the stairs of the Jedi Temple. Of all the spots to hide--to sulk, as his Master would say--the rooftop is the one least likely to be checked. It is one of Obi-Wan’s favorite areas in the entire building.

But he had not thought to check for stragglers before arriving at his destination, had thought the thunderstorms of his own Force presence would keep others at bay. He hadn’t yet figured Vader into his calculations, hadn’t remembered the propensity Vader had for showing up right when Obi-Wan least wanted him to.

“You left,” Vader--Anakin--whoever accuses, as Obi-Wan sits down on the rooftop. The wind howls around them. Obi-Wan has the distinct thought that they’ve lived through this before, that last time Vader had cornered him on a rooftop, he had threatened to take a piece of his body home to his Master. Now, Vader is standing in his home.

Obi-Wan takes a very deep breath and banishes those sorts of thoughts. Anakin, he reminds himself. Anakin.

And just as importantly, the chip. There had been a chip. Not controlling Va--Anakin’s thoughts, but certainly controlling his actions. What he would do to survive is no different from what Obi-Wan had done to survive; they had just been on opposite sides of the war.

Is Obi-Wan weak for not being able to move past that? For not being able to greet the boy--the man--Anakin with open arms into the folds of his family?

“I did,” Obi-Wan replies, keeping his eyes on what he can see of the city skyline.

Anakin steps closer. “Why?”

He turns to face him, takes in his sweaty appearance and messy tunics. He must have been looking for Obi-Wan’s reaction. He must have seen the exact moment Obi-Wan had turned, must have scrambled to cloth himself as he followed after.

“Why does it matter?” He asks instead of answering, always instead of answering.

“Because I wanted you to watch,” Vader says.

“I’ve seen you kill Padawans before,” Obi-Wan turns away and stands up until he can lean against the high protective walls of the roof. “I wasn’t impressed.”

Vader feels frustrated in the Force. No. Anakin.

Anakin. “It was a training exercise.”

“Now,” Obi-Wan points out. “Or do you mean then?”

“Would you hate me if I said both?” “I hate you now, Vader.” The other boy’s Force signature withdraws, flinching away from Obi-Wan’s ire. He hears him sit down. He’d rather throw him off the roof.

But: “Don’t call me that,” the boy pleads quietly. “I know I can’t--that I don’t--” he cuts himself off and grows quiet.

Obi-Wan would say something to break the silence, but he doesn’t want to engage the boy if he doesn’t have to. If he closes his eyes, he can feel and see the Force raging around them, violently buffering them as it demands some sort of denouement.

The boy inhales and stands again, stepping forward hesitantly until he’s a scant foot away from Obi-Wan. “My mom always told me she thought for ages about my name. That it had come to her in a dream after I was already a month old, that it was bad luck to have waited for so long to name me because infants on Tatooine can die as quickly as their mothers.

“And then I...I couldn’t use it or hear it or speak it for so long that I think I almost forgot it, almost lost it to Sidious and...and Vader. So even if you hate me, and I know you should hate me, I know I’ve never done anything to you that cancels out the bad I’ve done to you, but. Please don’t call me that. I think it would have made her sad."

Obi-Wan works his jaw as he stares off into the city. He doesn’t think V--Anakin has ever said so many words to him. If he gives in now, he’d be just as bad as the other padawans who had welcomed Anakin in amongst them because of his big eyes and soft lips and earnest enthusiasm.

Anakin seems to take his silence as permission to continue, which it isn’t. “And I know I’m not. That I can’t be--won’t ever be a Padawan, or a Jedi Knight, that. That I’ll never wear a braid or anything. I’m not--I don’t want another Master. I never want another Master.”

Obi-Wan turns his head just enough to look at Anakin. He’s spent an awfully long amount of time hanging around Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan’s quarters if he doesn’t want a Master. But...what he’s saying makes sense, and, more importantly than that, soothes the furious emotions in Obi-Wan’s chest enough that he can speak. “Then I can’t understand why.” Why you’re here, why you won’t leave me alone, why you chose to follow me if you’re not trying to dispose of me and take my Master for yours.

Anakin sighs, leaning his head on his hands as he looks out at the city. Obi-Wan finds himself annoyed with that as well, even though he’d just been doing the same thing. Now he can’t tear his eyes away from Anakin’s profile.

“You’re warm in the Force,” Anakin says eventually. “I think maybe I spent too long in space, because I’m always cold. Except when I’m around you. You burn. You always have. I used to think that maybe--it was hatred or disgust at me, when I met you in battle, and you were an inferno. But you burn when you’re on creche duty too. A different kind of fire, but still so warm. It’s just your soul. It’s just who you are.”

Obi-Wan blinks open-mouthed at him. He’s never considered the thought that Vader--Anakin--had been trailing after him for anything other than easy access to his Master. Now he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do or say.

There’s a part of him that still doesn’t understand what Anakin wants to get out of his tenancy at the Temple, a part that whispers that the Sith can’t be trusted, no matter how blue they can make their eyes look. But the Jedi part of Obi-Wan is bigger.

The Jedi part of Obi-Wan tells him to extend his hand just enough to brush against Anakin’s exposed wrist. It’s a point of vulnerability the boy doesn’t shy away from.

“Would you…” he asks slowly, forcing the words out of his tight throat. “Like to meditate with me?”

Anakin looks astonished, then hopeful, then disappointed, then dejected. “I’m no good at meditating,” he says, scuffing the point of his shoe on the ground. “It wasn’t a huge part of my...former Master’s curriculum, and the Force is just so loud in my head that it’s hard to do anything but react.”

He looks up at Obi-Wan through his eyelashes, biting his lip as if he’s afraid that he’ll be turned away for this.

Instead, Obi-Wan turns fully to face him and latches onto his flesh hand. “There are some things, I’ve found,” he murmurs, leading them away from the edge of the roof before pulling Anakin down to sit cross-legged in front of him, “that are much easier done with someone else. Done together.”

[obiwanobi]

I'm just so very enamored with the idea of Dooku als Obi-Wans Master at the moment. There are so many possibilities, I'm going crazy. I love your writing style and your ideas, so I would be so very happy to know your thoughts about this.

At first, I was going to say “oh, is this a nice AU where taking Obi-Wan as his padawan makes Dooku stay in the Order and the whole lineage is happier?” but then I thought, ‘wait, no, I’m only here to make a dramatic tragedy out of everything’ and I got really into it and wrote 2k about it 🤷‍♀️

So let’s say that Qui-Gon still takes Obi-Wan as his padawan first, and that’s how he meets his grandmaster, Dooku, who’s still a Jedi at this point in time.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan aren’t a good match at first, and it’s the same, even a bit worse than that, in this AU: Obi-Wan might be grateful to have been chosen and be eager to learn, but their rocky start as a master and padawan duo and their very different approach to, well, basically everything, make things a bit awkward.

But Dooku? Obi-Wan adores Dooku.

Dooku is the antithesis of Qui-Gon; he is a fascinating orator, has a practical mind, favours a pragmatic approach to problems, and is also one of the best duellists in the Temple. And he’s almost certain that Dooku likes him too. His grandmaster might be intimidating at first (he’s even taller than master Jinn for Force’s sake,) but he also raised Qui-Gon, so the man has seen it all and can’t be surprised by anything anymore. When he comes to visit Qui-Gon, Dooku never forgets to ask Obi-Wan how his training is going, what form he likes the best (Obi-Wan doesn’t miss the opportunity to say that he finds Makashi particularly elegant and almost gets a smile in return) and one day, he even ends up helping him write a geopolitical paper about a planet Dooku has spent almost a year on. It warms Obi-Wan to feel a connection to their lineage when he doesn’t really understand his own master, and watching Dooku and Qui-Gon, two very different personalities, getting along so well, also gives him hope that he will one day have the same type of relationship with his master.

But then, Melida/Daan happens.

Obi-Wan decides to stay, and Qui-Gon leaves the planet with one less padawan. It takes a bit of time before Dooku manages to get Qui-Gon to talk about what happened and where is his favourite grandpadawan, but when he realises that Qui-Gon left Obi-Wan in a warzone, Dooku is outraged, and is on Melida/Daan three days later to formally ask Obi-Wan to reconsider leaving the Order. It takes a bit of time before Obi-Wan truly starts thinking about it, because “Master Jinn will never take me back. I’m very sorry, Master Dooku, but he was the only one who was willing to take me as his padawan. No one else will, especially now.” and Dooku scoffs, because he wouldn’t travel to the outer rim for anyone, and of course he’s planning to personally train him. He saw the potential in him, and would hate to see it go to waste. All of this if Obi-Wan can assure him that he won’t rebel at every opportunity, of course, because he won’t accept the betrayal of his trust. 

They both leave the planet together, as Master and Padawan. 

The next few months are... strenuous. Adapting to Dooku’s teaching methods is harder than Obi-Wan expected. His new master asks for discipline, practicality and complete control of oneself at all time, and doesn’t accept any nonsenses. It’s not something Obi-Wan really knows how to do after months with Qui-Gon “don’t think, just do” Jinn. There is also a new distance between Dooku and Qui-Gon that Obi-Wan knows is his fault, but can’t do much about it; he still hasn’t said more than two words to Qui-Gon since Melida/Daan (apologies that his master- former master accepted with a cordial bow and that was it) and is in no hurry to change that.

Nevertheless, Obi-Wan is happy. Dooku might be a bit snobbish, makes imperious demands and even disagrees with the Council just like his former padawan, but he also explains to Obi-Wan why his decisions and insistence on certain parts of his training are necessary, doesn’t shy away from philosophical questions about the Force or the Order (even if his opinion is sometimes bordering on blasphemy,) and is, after all, one of the most skilled Master in the Temple. He might be a severe figure of authority to everyone else, but his hidden smile at a witty remark from his padawan, or the use of a diplomatic loophole to get his way without having to ignite his lightsaber, always gets him a gentle hand on his shoulder and an almost-satisfied smile. It’s more than enough for him. 

And then, Qui-Gon brings Anakin Skywalker to the Temple.

Obi-Wan tries not to think too much about the rumours that say that he went all the way to the outer rim to get himself a new padawan. A padawan he chose this time. A padawan who’s the Chosen One.

 “Ridiculous,” Master Dooku scorns, his expression so dismissive that the few gossipy padawans (and knights!) around scatter in a second. “I saw the boy, and if this raggedy child is the Chosen One who’s supposed to save us all, we should all start building our own funeral pyre to save us some time.”

“Master, really,” Obi-Wan sighs, half-reprimand, half-amusement. He’s still glad his master shares his distaste with the idea of taking a child too old and too attached. 

And then, Qui-Gon Jinn almost dies on Naboo. 

The other Jedi that went with him doesn’t have the same luck. Dooku doesn’t huff and roll his eyes this time. He does spend a lot of time in the Halls of Healing at his former padawan’s bed. Apparently, Qui-Gon has been badly hurt, and if he should walk again soon, probably with a walking stick, he will never be able to maintain enough stamina to fight with a lightsaber again. It doesn’t stop him from wanting to train the boy, and even the Council and Dooku, for once on the same side, aren’t enough to dissuade him. 

And then, everything goes too fast. 

Obi-Wan is talking about possible hidden Sith in the galaxy at the breakfast table, and suddenly Dooku says “I’m leaving the Order”, and then he’s knighted by a master who tells him he’s glad his last accomplishment as a Jedi is something he’s proud of, and then his master leaves without a real explanation, and then they make a bust of him in the library like he’s dead, and Obi-Wan asks himself if he’s going to feel abandoned all his life. 

And then, Anakin Skywalker bumps into him. 

“You’re Obi-Wan!” he says way too loudly, looking up at him in wonder.

It’s Knight Kenobi to you, a voice that sounds suspiciously like his master echoes in his mind. But no matter how much Obi-Wan admires his master, he could never be as rigid as him.

“Master Qui-Gon said you were his padawan once,” Anakin says, excited, and Obi-Wan has never wanted to run from a conversation that badly before. “And that you were... the padawan of my... grandmaster? I think? So that means we’re sort of like cousins, right?”

“Not really, no. Jedi don’t think about the Order as a traditional family. I don’t mean that we’re not one, young one,” he adds when Anakin’s expression turns to dejection, “we just have a different approach to kinship. In a way, we’re all brothers and sisters.”

And that, of course, is the exact thing he shouldn't have said.

“So you’re my brother then? Wizard! I’ve never had a brother before! Does that mean you will spar with me? I want to learn EVERYTHING about lightsabers, for example, do they have unlimited energy? Can it really go through everything? Because I heard beskar—” 

Obi-Wan isn’t proud to say that he feels the urgent need to get away from him and never come in contact with that child ever again. 

But after their first encounter, Anakin doesn’t leave him any choice. Every time Obi-Wan gets some time off, the padawan is here, scarily good at annoying him until Obi-Wan gives up pretending to ignore him. 

He probably should be sterner with him. After all, he doesn’t own the child anything. But Anakin is always so happy to see him, impressed when Obi-Wan demonstrates the most acrobatic of Ataru’s movements, and eager to learn from him. Sometimes, he imagines Master Dooku’s face confronted with Anakin, and can’t help but laugh out loud.  It helps to forget the void Dooku left in his life for a time.

(There aren’t a lot of holos sent to him from Serenno these days. Dooku must be busy.)

“My master can’t fight,” Anakin says petulantly one day, plopping down on Obi-Wan’s couch like the sulky teenager he is, “He’s restricted to the Temple or boring political missions, and so am I because of him. All he does is tell me to meditate and make me ‘reflect on my feelings’, or whatever that means. How good can a master be if he can’t teach me to protect myself and others?” 

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan warns, kicking the padawan’s feet away from the caf table, “please tell me you didn’t say these exact insensitive words to your master right before slamming the door and coming here.” 

Of course he did, Obi-Wan thinks when Anakin starts a rant about being held back and how stupid meditation is. That night, Obi-Wan forces him to sincerely apologise to his master after a brief fight ("stop nagging at me, Obi-Wan! You’re not my master!” “Well, apparently, you don’t even respect your own master, so I’m very glad I’m not.”) and is just a bit stunned when he finds Qui-Gon Jinn on his doorstep a few days letter, asking him if he would agree to take Padawan Skywalker on his next off-world mission. 

Obi-Wan really, really wants to say no. He only taught Anakin a few Ataru moves that the lightsaber’s instructor normally doesn’t introduce until a few years later because Anakin wouldn’t accept a no from him, he never signed up to co-parent a defiant padawan! Especially Qui-Gon’s padawan. The entire conversation between them is already awkward enough.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“No?” Qui-Gon replies, sipping his tea like they’re discussing the weather. “You’ve done a good job at teaching him some rationality and a few duelling tricks until now. I haven’t been able to wield a lightsaber for a while now, but it’s hard to miss the handprint of my own master all over Anakin’s sudden blend of Ataru and Makashi in his movements.” Obi-Wan is pretty sure his ears and his face are burning by now. “Don’t you think he could benefit from some real experience? Maybe start to put things in perspective? Show him why the diplomatic skills and temperance we preach are so important even for the violent or difficult conflicts we’re asked to solve?” 

And really, what is he supposed to say to that? 

Qui-Gon leaves his quarters before he manages to gather the courage to ask why he chose him of all knights for this task. It really doesn’t make any sense to Obi-Wan.

The very next day, Anakin shows up at the hangar bay ready to see the stars, bag on his shoulder and enough excitement to make the whole ship vibrate under his feet. 

“If you cause problems on purpose, I’ll send you back to your master faster than you can say pod-racing.”

“I promise I won’t, Knight Kenobi,” Anakin replies, all angelic smile and respectful padawan face. It’s the first time Anakin has called him by his title, and somehow it sounds a bit wrong.

Anakin does end up causing problems on purpose. It’s ridiculous but also kind of genius, so Obi-Wan only shakes his head and says “you’re really going to be the death of me.”

And for some years, it works. Qui-Gon stays Anakin’s master, but he does send him to learn from other masters and knights. More and more, though, Anakin asks for Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon rarely refuses.

“You two are the last people I thought would get along,” Mace Windu tells them a few successful missions later, after witnessing them bantering back and forth from their respective beds in the Halls of Healing. “Nonetheless, I’m glad you do. It’s good to see close lineages strengthening their bond to each other.”

Anakin blinks so many time at the compliment that Obi-Wan doesn’t hesitate a second before throwing his pillow at his face the second Windu leaves the room.

It’s a shame that Obi-Wan never manages to ask Qui-Gon about why he trusted him with his padawan. 

Because Qui-Gon dies on Geonosis. 

He shouldn’t have been there, Obi-Wan and Anakin keep saying. But they both know that you can’t stop Qui-Gon Jinn to do what he wants. He shouldn’t have gone to Kamino by himself, he shouldn’t have followed the bounty hunter to Geonosis, He shouldn’t have been in this arena, he shouldn’t have been killed before the help has come. He shouldn’t have died right in front of his former master— because of his former master. 

Anakin’s master died that day, but when Obi-Wan saw Master Dooku ordering the attack on the Jedi, he felt like he was losing two masters at the same time. 

Now there is a war coming, and the Council is talking about Master Dooku being a Sith, and he should stop saying Master Dooku, he knows, and people are asking how good can a Jedi be when raised by a traitor, and Yoda is talking to him about knighting Anakin and what he thinks about it like he’s his master now, and Anakin refuses to talk to him, and that probably has to do with the fact that he lost an arm and a father-figure to Obi-Wan’s master, and Obi-Wan would like to sleep for an entire year now, thank you very much. 

[grumpyhedgehogs]

and the world tilts upon its axis

Summary: “You never told us.” Anakin’s words pierce directly into Ahsoka’s heart; she can’t imagine what they do to his master. That stricken feeling flits through the Force again before Obi-Wan can wrangle it again. At least it gets Anakin to look up. He looks torn, agonized, pained, but repeats, unsteady, “You never told us.”

“The past is not an easy thing for me to speak of.”

Notes: (Obligatory ‘everyone finds out about Obi-Wan’s shitty childhood’ fic.) Past Abuse/Violence, Slavery. 

“It really isn’t a problem anymore,” Obi-Wan tells them all very reasonably. “I haven’t had a vision in years--not a clear one, anyway. Feelings, things like that, but nothing so concrete as they used to be. Master Qui-Gon taught me how to see past the feelings years ago.”

“You used to get Force visions,” Ahsoka says, tone rather shrill, “and you never told us?”

Anakin makes a loud choking noise deep in his throat. Cody, sitting on a crate of supplies near where Ahsoka and her master collapsed half an hour after their latest battle, shakes his head. Ahsoka pulls herself up to sit beside him, feeling rather as if something very important has been ripped away from her before she even knew it existed. He looks up at Obi-Wan, the only one standing out of all of them, and says, “I don’t understand what the big deal is.”

“There isn’t one,” Rex supplies. Skyguy tries to swat at him without taking his arm from over his eyes, but Rex moves out of the way and leans back against a wall of the Resolute. He shrugs. “Jedi are just dramatic like that.”

“Much as I dislike the generalization,” Obi-Wan interjects, “I have to agree in this case. Force visions can be upsetting and helpful in equal measure, and they faded from my mind a long time ago. I’m surprised my medical files even contain a record of those after all these years."

“What if they come back!” Anakin sits up, glaring. “You never even said anything. I’ve heard Master Windu talking about how forceful they can be--you cold pass out if a vision comes at the wrong time! I’ve heard some younglings are prone to seizures!”

The thought makes Ahsoka shudder. She wraps her arms around herself surreptitiously. Cody sends her a sympathetic look.

The next words out of Master Kenobi’s mouth make her blood go cold. “Well, yes, I know that, Anakin. I was the youngling Mace was speaking of.”

“What.”

Obi-Wan waves his commander off, though, and shakes his head. “Honestly, it’s fine now. We wouldn’t even need to have this useless conversation if you hadn’t sliced into my medical files, Anakin--”

Rex is already across the room and peering over Anakin’s shoulder as her master rifles through his datapad, so Ahsoka chalks Obi-Wan’s efforts up as a lost cause. She pulls her own datapad out and shuffles closer to Cody instead; Skyguy sent her a copy of her grandmaster's file as soon as he could manage. Something about not being able to trust Obi-Wan when he said he didn’t need to go to medical.

Ahsoka thinks that is the pot calling the kettle black, but--

“You have nerve damage?”

At Rex’s incredulous exclamation, Obi-Wan closes his eyes for a long, long moment. Then he opens them, runs a hand over his beard, and looks around for a place to sit. “This is going to be a long conversation, I see. Is everyone sure they wouldn’t like to move to, I don’t know, anywhere but the cargo hold, before we begin?”

“Shinies are everywhere else,” Rex points out briskly, “but the cargo hold is too cold for most of us. We run too warm to be comfortable here.”

“That isn’t good. You should’ve told us sooner--I’ll have to talk to Master Shaak Ti about what we can do for you.”

“Deflecting.” Anakin intones. In any other setting, his stern tone would make her laugh. Obi-Wan sighs again, and settles down into a meditation pose across from his former padawan, fixing them all with a half-exasperated, half-doting look.

“Yes,” Obi-Wan says. “I have nerve damage. I’m sure you’ve all seen how many layers I wear? It’s to help my blood circulation. I can’t keep myself warm enough otherwise, because I can’t feel how cold my surface skin is until it’s too late. So, extra clothing all the time, just in case. I can deal with a little sweat if the outcome is less chance of frostbite.”

“ Why do you have nerve damage?”

“Have you seen how many times I’ve been electrocuted?” Obi-Wan answers. He’s too serene for Ahsoka’s liking.

“I’ve been electrocuted twice as much as you have,” Anakin points out. At his shoulder, Rex nods, but stops when Anakin snaps his gaze to his captain. He turns back to his former master. “And I don’t have nerve damage.”

“You’ve been electrocuted twice as much as I have been recently.” Her grandmaster normally looks a little tired, but this conversation seems to be getting to him more than most; he rubs at his face again, and, with his hand still over his eyes, says, “Electro-whips and prods were the weapon of choice in the mines.”

The words are quiet, like Obi-Wan really meant for them to be under his breath, but it makes every spine in the room go rigid.

Very slowly, Anakin sits forward on his knees. His datapad slips from his lap. Rex only just catches it before it clatters to the floor. Ahsoka has never seen her master’s eyes look as sharp as they are now. “Which mines, Master? And what were you doing there?”

Obi-Wan’s lips thin. “You do realize I’ve had an entire life without you? Twenty years or so, in fact. Things did happen to me before you came along.”

It’s always been a fact that Obi-Wan is older than herself and her master. It’s never bothered Ahsoka before--until now. To know he’s been alone--without them, at least--for so long? The clones are all artificially aged to be around Obi-Wan’s age, maybe a little younger. It’s easy for Ahsoka to forget they haven’t been around forever, that Cody hasn’t been one step behind his general every day of both their lives. It turns her stomach.

“Answer the question!” Anakin all but demands.

Obi-Wan’s hand falls from his face and for a second Ahsoka can detect something stricken in the Force before his expression smooths over into an artificial calm. “It’s really not--”

“No.” Cody says. It’s all he can seem to get out. Ahsoka tries not to flinch at the darkening mood in the Force and reaches out to loosely grip Cody’s wrist. After a moment, he turns his hand over and offers her his palm as Obi-Wan begins, reluctantly, to speak. Ahsoka takes it.

Obi-Wan bites his lip when he tells them about being sent away from the temple.

It rocks Ahsoka to her core when he speaks about the situation on Bandomeer, even more so with the revelation that he nearly wasn’t a Jedi. A Jedi Order without Obi-Wan Kenobi? A Council without his guidance? A GAR without the Negotiator?

Her lineage without his support?

“You had to fight a Hutt without anyone to help you.” Anakin sounds more choked than he did before. Ahsoka wishes she could reach out and soothe him in the Force, but she’s doing her best to keep her shields up. The Force knows how Master Obi-Wan is feeling right now.

“Master Qui-Gon helped me when he could,” Obi-Wan assures. His voice isn't as steady as she’s used to, but he carries on admirably. It makes Ahsoka wonder how long it took him to perfect his sabacc face. Her heart twists in her chest. “He’s also the reason I only spent a few weeks in the mines--I was fitted with a Force-inhibiting collar, you see, so I had to have help navigating my way out with the rest of the--” He cuts himself off. It takes a minute for the gears to turn in her head, for Ahsoka to realize he doesn’t intend to continue.

“The?” Rex prompts, face and tone bleak. “The miners?”

Obi-Wan actually does wince now. “The slaves.”

“It was a bomb collar,” Anakin says. "You were fitted with a bomb collar." His face is blank until Obi-Wan nods, at which point his expression seems to crumple in on itself. Anakin puts his head between his knees and breathes loudly through his mouth. Obi-Wan pauses and refuses to go on until Anakin raises his head and glares her grandmaster into submission. In the back of her mind, in the only small corner not screaming in horror, Ahsoka hopes one day she’ll be able to cow her own master like that.

She regrets the thought as soon as Obi-Wan speaks, quiet and too soft into the dead silence of the air around them, about Melida/Daan. “They were just children,” Obi-Wan whispers. His hands clench and unclench on his thighs and it is all Ahsoka can do not to let go of Cody’s fingers and throw her arms around him. “I couldn’t leave them behind, even if it cost me my place among the Jedi. They had no one else to turn to. You must understand?”

It explains so much of his file--parts of it are redacted, too early in his apprenticeship to signal anything but disaster, and he’s reported too many times to the Halls of Healing--too many times he’s had to be carried in. If Ahsoka had the same medical record her grandmaster does, she’d have to get herself grievously injured on every other mission, and she’s grown up in a Force forsaken warzone.

She’s positive she doesn’t want to hear the rest.

Ahsoka isn’t sure how long it has been when Obi-Wan’s voice peters out soon after his explanation of Cerasi’s sacrifice on his behalf (and Force, did everyone Obi-Wan ever loved have to keep dying in his arms, it’s so disgusting, it’s awful, how could this happen so much to just one person, to someone she loves--). After a long moment of quiet, Ahsoka finds the strength, herculean as it is, to lift her gaze from where it has been fixed on her knees. Her grandmaster stares into middle space just the same as her, and his face is as she has never seen it before--stone cold, closed off and unwelcoming. It’s sort of like when Skyguy gets into one of his moods.

Speaking of Skyguy, he doesn’t seem to be faring much better; his head is between his knees again but his hands, like Rex’s beside him, are clenched into fists. He’s shaking so hard she can see it from across the room. Ahsoka realizes that at some point Cody let go of her own hand, and glances around to see him clenching his bucket on his knees fit to crush it between his very human palms.

Then her grandmaster draws himself up into a proper sitting position and sighs, a light puff of air that Ahsoka has come to learn is his way of reorienting himself. “It worked out in the end. Qui-Gon came back for me when I called and was able to help bring balance to the planet--something I couldn’t have done alone. I was admitted back into the Order as his apprentice and then--” Obi-Wan’s lips twitch into a sardonic smile. “Well, nothing much happened until we went to Mandalore, but you know just about as much as I am willing to tell you about that experience.”

The attempt at humor falls a little too flat.

“You never told us.” Anakin’s words pierce directly into Ahsoka’s heart; she can’t imagine what they do to his master. That stricken feeling flits through the Force again before Obi-Wan can wrangle it again. At least it gets Anakin to look up. He looks torn, agonized, pained, but repeats, unsteady, “You never told us.”

“The past is not an easy thing for me to speak of.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

Anakin’s eyes spark with heat. She can’t see much of Obi-Wan’s face from here when he turns his head, just enough to know they’re having one of their silent conversations. Those have become few and far between, of late. It’s almost a comfort to see.

“You were my padawan.” Obi-Wan says slowly, like he’s formulating his words as he thinks of them. Ahsoka herself feels drained, empty, a husk--she can’t imagine how he must feel right now. “Ahsoka is my grandpadawan. Rex and Cody are my subordinates. It’s incredibly inappropriate, not to mention irresponsible and near abusive, to unload such traumatic, personal stories upon those who cannot legally or knowingly consent--”

“Sir, permission to speak freely?” Cody doesn’t wait for more than a surprised, dry laugh, before he says, “That is absolutely the biggest crock of bantha fodder I’ve ever heard.”

“Perhaps. That does not mean it is not true. I should not have even told you now--I just don’t want you to find out from some clinical diagnosis instead. You all deserve better.”

“Oh, I have no doubt you believe everything you just said, even that kark you just spewed. It’s just horrifying to know you think it.” Cody’s grip relaxes on his helmet with no little effort. He breathes in through his nose, out through his mouth once, and then opens his eyes and nods decisively first to Rex, who nods back, and then to Obi-Wan, who looks puzzled. “But we’re here to help, Sir. No matter what.”

Obi-Wan’s smile pulls a little wider. “Even if I don’t want it, hm?”

“Especially then,” Rex agrees. “Right, General? Commander?”

“Of course.” Ahsoka says, the words struggling so much to stampede out of her mouth that they trip over themselves.

“Always.” Anakin croaks. He’s the first to scramble to his feet as his master rises. He’s the first to throw himself at Obi-Wan. He’s the first to wrap him in an embrace that lasts maybe a bit longer than Master Kenobi’s sense of decorum would prefer. (Not that she sees her grandmaster complaining, of course.)

Anakin is not the last.

Rex settles for a nod and a clap on the shoulder. It’s only his position closer to Skyguy and Obi-Wan that gets her captain there before his commander; Ahsoka shoves him bodily out of the way and wraps her arms as tight as she can around Obi-Wan’s middle. Her skin itches and her muscles flex with the need to squeeze the sadness, the pain, the terrible past right out of him, even if she knows that’s silly. She tries anyway. Subtly, of course. Obi-Wan holds her back, just as he held Anakin before her, warm and all-encompassing and so safe. (Now she knows why. Now she knows he needs to feel that she and her master before her and every youngling after them is safe, that they are protected against a world that threatened to swallow him up and spit out his bones.)

Cody is last, stepping up to his general as Ahsoka pulls away reluctantly. He holds out a hand and Obi-Wan, without missing a beat (although his eyes are a little misty, but so are Ahsoka’s, and Anakin's, and Rex’s), grips his commander’s forearm. He goes very still when Cody pulls him into a keldabe. Ahsoka turns her eyes away when he lets out a trembling breath. Cody speaks, but his rumbling tone is too low for Ahsoka to pick out words. It’s alright, though; they aren’t for her.

“Mishuk gotal'u meshuroke, pako kyore.” Cody murmurs, slightly louder. Obi-Wan scoffs quietly and Ahsoka turns her head just in time to see Cody smirk back, pull away, and shake Obi-Wan’s arm, just a little, friendly, familiar. It makes the clawing, cloying thing in her chest that has grown throughout the evening finally ease. Skyguy wraps an arm around her, guiding them both out of the cargo hold and back to their quarters. He’s got the right idea--she’s very tired now.

Before the door closes behind Rex as they step outside, she hears Cody’s last words to Obi-Wan and wonders what they mean.

“ Aliit ori'shya tal'din.”

The Force is noticeably lighter when Ahsoka wakes in the morning.

[sirikenobi12]

Dear Mr. Filoni: About Qui-Gon Jinn

Mr. Filoni, I know you are pretty much the undisputed Padawan of George Lucas, but like many students they can sometimes misunderstand their teachings or interpret things from a certain point of view. While I won’t deny you are a brilliant creator who have brought us some amazing Star Wars content you said something a little while back about Qui-Gon Jinn that I think is rather nearsighted and in my opinion incorrect.

“And with the death of Qui-Gon Jinn, Anakin loses the father figure who truly could have understood him – and maybe prevented what was to come.”

This implies several things, the first is that Anakin never had a father figure in his life. Or, rather that he lost the father figure he truly needed. In many ways this is implying that if someone grows up without a father (or a traditional father figure) then they are missing out or won’t have a stable childhood. What about all the people who are raised by single mothers or grandparents or aunts/uncles or by their older siblings? 

Pixar’s Onward is a great example of finding a father figure through an older brother, it highlights that just because Ian never had a chance to meet his father didn’t mean that he lost out on a father figure in his brother Barley. 

“I never had a dad, but I always had you.”

Saying that Anakin lost the father figure who truly could have understood him also just spits in the face of a young man who also lost his father figure in that moment and gave up everything to raise Anakin. 

Let’s unpack that a little bit. Imagine if you will you’re twenty-five years old, you’ve worked your ENTIRE life for a particular goal which is to be a Jedi Knight, traveling the galaxy doing the most good that you can while discovering who you are on your own. Then maybe down the road when you are ready to settle down and possibly train/raise an apprentice you’ll take one on. Suddenly the only father you’ve ever known pushes you aside for a child he’s just met (without even discussing it with you first) and then uses his last words to push this child on you, making him your responsibility, thus shattering your chance at the freedom of a true Knighthood. 

By all rights Obi-Wan could’ve given Anakin’s training over to the Council, the boy was in no way his responsibility. Much like an adult sibling doesn’t have to take on the responsibility of raising their minor siblings if their parents die, they could give the children over to the state and have a chance at a normal young adulthood instead of being thrust into being a parent before they are ready. But, Obi-Wan didn’t do that because he A.) Respected/loved Qui-Gon too much not to fulfill his final wishes, and B.) Knew it would be better for Anakin to take the boy under his wing. 

I will say this until I am blue in the face: OBI-WAN WAS A FATHER TO ANAKIN!! 

In fact, in Episode 2 Anakin refers to him as a father/father figure multiple times and it is clear their relationship while Anakin was a Padawan was that of a Father/Son. It isn’t until Anakin is knighted and they are peers that you see their relationship shift to that of brothers.  

Am I saying that Obi-Wan didn’t make mistakes when raising Anakin? Absolutely not, but would I argue that Anakin was missing out on a father figure because Qui-Gon died? No, I would not. 

The second part of that quote claims that Qui-Gon Jinn could’ve been someone who understood Anakin and might’ve been able to prevent what was to come. I 100% believe that would not have happened, while I think Qui-Gon Jinn is a very interesting character there is no indication in either canon or legends that he would’ve been a good influence on Anakin. In fact, quite the opposite. Here are the top ten reasons Qui-Gon would’ve been a terrible father influence for Anakin: 

1. Qui-Gon Jinn thinks the rules don’t apply to him: While many fans applaud Qui-Gon (including apparently you, Mr. Filoni) for going against the Jedi Council and being a “Maverick” I would argue that more often than not it was to his or his mission’s detriment. This is not to advocate that the Council was 100% correct or that Jedi shouldn’t question things, but there is a difference between questioning authority figures and flat out being obstinate. This is something Anakin excels at even with being raised by the rule abiding Kenobi, imagine how bad it would’ve been had Jinn raised him.

2. Qui-Gon Jinn was selfish: There are several examples of Qui-Gon using the guise of “the will of the Force” in order to get his way. Are we honestly supposed to believe that somehow this one man was more in tune with the Force than any other Jedi (including 12 powerful Jedi who were on the Council)?? And, if he truly believed in following the will of the Force then why did he constantly bend the rules to make sure the “Force” went his way - an example of this is had he actually believed it was the will of the Force that he free Anakin, he wouldn’t have had to make the chance cube go the way he wanted it to go. He flat out cheated so he could get his way.  

3. Qui-Gon was dangerously reckless: Many Jedi are reckless, even Obi-Wan said to Yoda in ESB “so was I if you’ll remember”. But Qui-Gon was reckless in ways that was pretty astounding. For example, EVERYONE told him that his plan to get off of Tatooine was dangerous and frankly stupid. Couldn’t they have just sold the Naboo ship and then purchased a clunker that would get them to Coruscant? Honestly, that would’ve probably hidden them better from the Trade Federation in the long run...but no, he instead decided the best course of action was to put a slave child in mortal danger, thus also placing all of their lives in the hands of a boy who had NEVER won a race before. Now, it ended up working in his favor, but even still those few days spent fixing up Anakin’s pod and then the race itself delayed the Queen from getting to Coruscant which meant more people died on Naboo all because Qui-Gon refused to see any other solutions. 

4. Qui-Gon was often a bully: our Maverick had no problems throwing his weight around to get what he wanted. The Council meeting with Anakin is a perfect example, he didn’t get the answer he wanted. So he put his hands on his hips and refused to leave the room until the Council caved to his demands. Another example of this is in Claudia Grey’s Master & Apprentice where he refuses to do his duty as a Jedi and fulfill the mission simply because he had a vision. He doesn’t discuss this with the Council or with Obi-Wan beforehand, he just decides for himself this is how it’s going to be and then throws a hissy-fit when he doesn't get his way. Or how about he is the one who cheated to get his way in winning Anakin and when Watto calls him out he threatens to get the Hutts involved? He just bullies his way to getting what he wanted.

  5. Qui-Gon never saw the bigger picture: Master Jinn’s whole thing is to focus on the here and the now, and while that’s great advice (especially for Obi-Wan who often looks too far a head) it also means that Qui-Gon often misses the big picture. An example of this is in the book Master & Apprentice where he wants to free the slaves on Pijal’s moon, but Yoda has to remind him that there is a bigger picture and they can only act if it’s in their mandate. He says this not because the Council doesn’t want to free slaves, but because there are incredibly complex consequences and if they were to just do whatever they wanted/could do as Jedi it would cause all kinds of issues for others and while he could maybe free a handful of slaves now it would cause countless others to suffer in the long run. But, Qui-Gon wouldn’t accept this, because he refused to see the bigger picture - he refused to look at anything except what was right in front of him.

6. Qui-Gon has a history of failing his Apprentices: Now, I know this isn’t Canon at the moment, but by the time we make it to TPM Qui-Gon has already done severe damage to 2 former Padawans, and is in danger of having history repeat itself. Xanatos was his second Apprentice right before Obi-Wan, and this Padawan was extremely powerful and Qui-Gon insisted he be trained, but the boy fell to the darkside because he had been too old to start training and had a healthy attachment to his family (sound familiar?). Qui-Gon was so devastated by his fall that he went back and reputed his first apprentice, Feemor, claiming he was such a failure of a Master that there is no way his first apprentice should’ve been knighted. He basically in his grief pushed aside an apprentice who while on paper wasn’t anything special, but was kind and dutiful and a true Jedi (sound familiar?). He then begrudgingly takes on Obi-Wan (only after 12 year old Obi-Wan offers to kill himself to save others) and then time and time again tries to basically pawn off Obi-Wan onto someone else (even as far into their relationship as the Master & Apprentice book). Then, when it finally looks like the Kenobi/Jinn team have figured out how to work well together Qui-Gon has to literally be reminded that his Obi-Wan even exists because Qui-Gon is so blinded by Anakin’s power!! How in any way does this seem like a better father figure option for the emotionally needy Anakin?

7. Qui-Gon Jinn has a history of Attachments: The specific example I have is again from Legends, but it shows how Qui-Gon allowed attachments to become dangerous. He had a childhood friend who he fell in love with, they decided that they could handle being committed to each other as well as the Order so they “pledged themselves” to one another (my guess is basically this is like a Jedi marriage so to speak). Sounds beautiful right, and it is, but...But his love interest Tahl was injured on a war torn planet where the children are so sick of their parents' civil war that they form a third army and go to war against the adults. Tahl is caught in the middle of this and is gravely injured. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are sent to rescue her, and Obi-Wan is sickened by the sight of children fighting and wants to stay and help, but Qui-Gon is so blinded by his attachment for Tahl that he for the first time EVER actually follows his mandate and tells Obi-Wan that they weren’t sent there to help the children, but to rescue Tahl. Obi-Wan who is only 13 doesn’t understand so instead of taking the time to really explain it, Qui-Gon just LEAVES his young apprentice behind on a war torn planet. Now, I’ll admit that Qui-Gon did give Obi-Wan a choice, to come back to Coruscant or to stay and fight, thus leaving the Jedi Order and Obi-Wan did make the choice to stay. But, it was Qui-Gon’s responsibility as the teacher to fully explain the situation to Obi-Wan and let him know that they could do more good if they were to go back to the Council and the Senate and try to return with supplies and reinforcements. But no, Qui-Gon just yelled at him, disregarded his feelings and told him their mission was to rescue Tahl. He didn’t bother using this as a teaching moment for Obi-Wan because he was so concerned about his attachment. And then later when Tahl actually died, Qui-Gon nearly fell to the dark side and it was Obi-Wan who saved him.  And then Qui-Gon went on to decide that because of the pain that had been inflicted by losing Tahl he’d basically give Obi-Wan an ultimatum when it came to the woman he loved (and basically downplayed it as nothing but a crush). Now, say what you want about how Obi-Wan handled Anakin/Padme’s relationship - maybe pretending it wasn’t happening instead of confronting Anakin about it wasn’t a healthy/smart choice, but at least he didn’t downplay it and make it look like Anakin’s feelings weren’t real or valid.

8. Qui-Gon refused to apologize: There are several examples where Qui-Gon refuses to accept any responsibilities and won’t apologize. One such point is in TPM where he basically traded his current Padawan in for a newer/shinier model in front of the entire Council (which if this alone isn’t enough cause to prove the man wasn’t the best father figure…) he then refused to even approach Obi-Wan about it, in fact the twenty five year old Apprentice who had just been tossed aside for a supposed prophecy came and apologized to Qui-Gon!! Another example is back in the Jedi Apprentice books where Qui-Gon leaves Obi-Wan on the war torn planet (as mentioned in #7) it is up to Obi-Wan to make it up to Qui-Gon and prove his worth once again. I’m not certain given Anakin’s tendency to need constant affirmations that this would’ve been a good combination.

9. Qui-Gon was manipulative: Oftentimes we see Qui-Gon manipulating people to get his way (I’m not talking about Jedi Mind Tricks). In TPM he manipulates Watto to win Anakin’s freedom, he even manipulates Obi-Wan into taking on the burden of training Anakin by making it his dying wish. He is not above manipulation if he gets his desired result. We see Anakin does the same thing, so one could argue Qui-Gon would’ve only encouraged this behavior.

10. Qui-Gon cared more about the prophecy than the boy: I’m not saying that Qui-Gon didn’t care about people, or even Anakin, in fact he was a very compassionate character. But, all of his arguments to have Anakin be trained was that he is “the Chosen One” not once does he talk about how the boy needs training simply because it’d be dangerous to leave such raw power alone in the galaxy without training, or that it would be the right thing to do. He doesn’t ever talk about how learning to be a Jedi would actually benefit the boy. Every single time he brings up Anakin needing training is because of the prophecy. Now, as far as it looks in both canon and legends Obi-Wan tried incredibly hard to not bring up the prophecy to Anakin (except on Mustafar), Obi-Wan would bring it up to Mace/Yoda but that was about it. Obi-Wan wasn’t blinded by the prophecy because until ROTS it didn’t really appear that he even believed in it - he believed in Anakin for who he was as a person. Something we just didn’t see with Qui-Gon.

Now, Qui-Gon has a lot of great qualities, I am not denying that, but to say that he would’ve been the father figure Anakin needed is just misguided. If you believe in the idea that there is a will of the Force one could argue that Obi-Wan training Anakin was that will, otherwise Qui-Gon wouldn’t have died. 

Also, Mr. Filoni, why is it that Anakin supposedly suffered because he didn’t have a father figure yet you turned around and gave Ahsoka a brother, not a father? Are you suggesting Ahsoka suffered as well because she didn’t have a father figure? Or, was Obi-Wan by this time finally “old” enough to be considered a father figure? 

This idea that Qui-Gon Jinn would’ve been the fix it to Anakin’s issues is just silly and once again places the blame of the Jedi’s destruction in the hands of the Council and specifically Obi-Wan, thus not forcing Anakin to be held responsible for any of his actions. 

I’m sorry, but it’s not a theory I buy due to a lack of evidence. 

[padawansuggest]

I want a fic where instead of Obi-Wan taking Anakin as Padawan learner, he tells him what he really feels. When Anakin was 12, in the comics, Obi-Wan revealed that if Anakin wanted to leave the Jedi, he would go with him. First of all: Obi-Wan is just as imprinted on Ani as Ani is on him. Second of all, Obi never TOLD him that he would do that. Ani probably thought that if he left the Jedi, he’d be all on his own. Obi wouldn’t do that to him, but Ani might not know that.

What I want, is a fic where after the death of Qui-Gon (I love good papa Qui, but. Plot. It’s okay tho he can eventually come back as a force ghost) Obi feels just as jaded as Dooku about it. The only difference being, Obi is terrified because he doesn’t really know what to do.

So he puts that choice in the hands of Anakin. He goes to him (I imagine something super sweet like Obi coming out of the palace, looking like a wreck, and the first thing he does with Ani is scoops that little thing up into his arms for a hug like Ani is his new tooka, and just tucks Ani’s head into his shoulder. Ani has already been told, but he’s too far from the situation to do more than cry, and rn he’s the only thing holding Obi together, his little arms wrapped around Obi’s neck) and tells him that the choice is Anakin’s. They can go back to the Jedi and petition for him to be a learner like Qui wanted, or they can go to Tatoonie and free his mother, or they can run away forever.

Ani chooses his mother. Obviously. So they go back, free her (Obi demanded they credits from the counsel, who felt guilty enough to let him have it along with his stipend) and asked her what they do next.

Shmi asks Obi-Wan if he has any family. He does. A father and brother (I know I’m blatantly stealing that idea from other authors but I like it) who live back on his homeworld Stewjon, as farmers. It’s really hard to farm there because if the land. So there they go.

Cliegg accepts them in happily. He’s happier than anything. He’s been chasing those quick visits with his eldest son for half his life, waiting for comms and packages back and forth. He’s a proud papa who’s delighted with everything Ben does. He’s so excited to have his boy home.

They settle down for a while. Shmi and Anakin delight in working on random technology around the farm, fixing tractors and droids, Ani working on C3PO in between. It’s really nice to be honest.

Then they get a visitor. Count Dooku, who left the Jedi the same week Obi-Wan did.

He’s reaching out to his grandpadawan, and oh fucking boy is that a hilarious one, Cleigg glaring at him like a cockroach in his hand, disgusted as Dooku coddles HIS baby boy, calling him his grandpadawan like he’s his kin... but then... sometimes Ben looks at him... like he can’t even believe the boon he’s been granted.

This man raised Ben’s master, and that master in turn, raised his little Ben. That’s his family. Cliegg needs to work harder if he’s to be considered proper family. Blood isn’t what makes a clan.

Count Dooku isn’t even close to the dark side of things. Obi-Wan can feel the happiness in him while being around them, watching Anakin do the simple creche games that all the Jedi learned, clicking buttons on a fidget toy with the force, and following Obi-Wan’s gentle instructions that went unsaid in physicality. The boy was learning fast.

‘I will help you teach the boy, but it cannot be here. I inherited an entire planet, with my new title, and I happen to live in a palace on a flat plain that could benefit from a proper farm to grow the land. Sereno could always use more farms.’

So they all move to Sereno. It’s a much more fertile land than Stewjon had been. For all the fertility of their subspecies, the humans of Stewjon had grown numerous and overcrowded. Another family would take the farm and provide for the people. And those that could leave, were wise to do so, for reduction of the populous.

Living on Sereno was nice. Dooku would drop by periodically, and he always seemed to have something with him, a stack of books on force theory and theoretical physics for Ben, a box of new or recycled parts for Ani, a tooka kitten on a leash that was handed over to Shmi, and has been her faithful companion ever since. Even Cleigg found himself with kitchen appliances that he had only dreamed he could be able to afford. Someone must have let slip that he was the main cook in the house who enjoyed the work more than he’d ever enjoyed farming itself. Even Owen, is more spoiled than most, getting the most beautiful one of a kind toys.

It was nice.

One day, in a fit of boredom, Obi-Wan applied for a temporal physics class over holotransmitter, a class that was taught by the Jedi temple, and could be applied to anyone with the accurate foreknowledge to understand the subject. Unbeknownst to him, that caused a fight between a master and Padawan, when the Padawan had brought the application to their master, saying that foreknowledge be damned, they shouldn’t be teaching trained ex-Jedi because knowledge of the subject mixed with Jedi training, could lead to the dark side. Or something like that. They started ranting about a Jedi being strong enough to change the laws of physics themselves, and their master just sighed. She took the application for herself, barely glancing it over (mostly to check that it was all correct, she’s been teaching that boy since he was still in diapers, she knows fully well what he’s capable of) before pressing the approved button, handing it back to the ranting Padawan as she headed back to her office, getting ready for the next lecture in a quieter place to clear her mind.

The classes passed the time, and since it was over holo, Ani and Shmi sat in with him on most of them, just past the reach of the transmitter, and taking avid notes. Nerds. Ben even suffered through a few of the most boring classes ever for their entertainment.

Cliegg likes to cook, and is obsessed with his new kitchen. Shmi has discovered knitting and is making the biggest shawl ever so she can go outside without feeling like she’s hugging ice. Ani has made like 10 little baby droids that run around and either cause chaos and chase the tooka, or try and be helpful by bringing you thinks they /think/ you need. Not what you need, what they think you need. It’s usually socks and tooka toys for some reason. Owen is so happy to have not only a big brother, but a brother the same age as him too! That’s so cool, they can do boy stuff together like poke worms and wake Obi up early with annoying jumps on his bed! Ben is indulging himself in the process of Dooku teaching him how to see force ghosts so he can have his master back, and maybe yell at him for giving him a child before kicking the bucket.

Everyone is happy.

[ooops-i-arted]

I know that considering (TCW-2008) refs/characters in this episode that it won’t be your fav but can you please share your child development thoughts for S02E05 please??

They may have been stuff I wasn’t fond of but there were so many cute Baby & Dad moments to make up for it!!

First of all, the puppeteers deserves ALL THE AWARDS for bringing Baby Yoda to life!  Not just making Baby “come alive” in general, but also that sort-of-awkward way children move when they don’t have complete confidence in their limbs yet.  The are doing a phenomenal job this season and I hope they are all safe and healthy and have all the chocolate they want.  Not only is it fantastic from a special effects perspective, it really highlights how far Baby has come now that he’s not stuck in a pod all day and implies that Din is trying to keep him active and physically healthy, and giving him opportunities to develop his muscles and muscle control.  (Just imagine them playing a makeshift game of chase through the Razor Crest!)

I absolutely loved Din saying “Hey, what did I tell you” because I have said those exact words in that exact tone SO MANY TIMES and also his Dad Voice is getting so much better!  Baby actually listens to him and understands that Din expects him to listen!  Of course he still wants the ball (and apparently takes it enough that Din has been practicing his Dad voice on that too, “What did I say about that” is another phrase I also use at work).

Though there may have been another reason he wants the ball this time - as a comfort item, like a child bringing their favorite stuffie to the first day of school.  Baby was there when the Armorer told Din to find Jedi to bring the Baby to.  He has been listening a lot when Din talks about finding Jedi to train him and give him to.  I think Baby is very, very aware of the fact that the end goal is to leave him with the Jedi and is very afraid of leaving his beloved father.  He would’ve had stable caretaker(s) at the Jedi Temple but in the last twenty years who knows what’s happened to him.  His subdued, don’t-draw-attention-to-myself behavior in Season 1 definitely makes me think he’s been neglected, bare minimum, and possibly abused.  Din not only treats him kindly but actually takes care of his needs, is kind to him, and is the most stable presence in his life.  Of course he’d be terrified to leave him!

I think that’s also why he doesn’t play ball with Ahsoka, so to speak.  We all know he can lift a mudhorn, a rock is no problem for him.  He could do it in a heartbeat.  But I think he understood that if he showed off for her, Ahsoka might take him away.  So he refused for that, and because it’s very common at that age to refuse to do something to regain control of a situation.  (That’s why you get kids enjoying telling you “No!” and the whole terrible twos thing.)  If he refuses, he stays in control of what’s happening.  But of course Din knows exactly how to tempt him with his favorite ball, and kids do want to please adults they like.  Anything to hear that sweet, sweet positive reinforcement.  So it wasn’t just the shiny ball that convinced Baby - it was the fact that Din was the one playing with him, and that Din so enthusiastically tells him good job.  (And Din is noticeably more into it when using the orb.  Maybe he and Baby have played with it before?  So it’s more natural to both of them.  And he was truly so proud of his boy!!  It was adorable.)

It’s the same with hearing his real name, which he presumably hasn’t heard in twenty years.  He responds when Ahsoka says it, but when Din says it?  He’s instantly turned around, ears perked all the way up in “happy” mode.  It’s special when Din says it, because Din is special to him.

Which then ties into the whole attachment thing.  Baby is very healthily attached to Din.  There’s a reason we stick kids with the same teacher for a year plus at a time, it’s because kids are comfortable with a regular person they can get to know, just like adults are.  To Baby, Ahsoka is just some orange stranger and Din is his dad.  Of course he is more attached to Din and has fears over losing him, especially if he’s been deprived of that for the last 20-odd years!  It’d be different if Din was sticking around to transition Baby somewhere new, or just dropping him off for lessons.  But leaving a parent permanently and abruptly after likely previous trauma?  That would be horrible for Baby.

And re: The Jedi + attachments Ahsoka (and Filoni) are wrong on that.  The Jedi do not forbid attachments, only letting your attachments rule you.  Ki-Adi-Mundi is married and so were others, and there are plenty of Padawan-Master relationships to see - for example, Obi-Wan was attached to Qui-Gon and clearly loved him and was devastated by his loss, but it’s only when he conquers his emotions and calms himself is he able to defeat Maul, and afterward is implied/shown to mourn Qui-Gon and handle his grief in a healthy way.  Anakin doesn’t fall because he’s attached to his loved ones.  He falls because he’s willing to commit murder and genocide over his attachments.  So “I can’t teach Grogu because he’s attached to you” is bullshit.  “I can’t teach Grogu because he is attached to you and needs to be safely transitioned into Jedi life in an environment that is comfortable and safe for him, with your help as his adoptive father, and I have no way to do that here and/or don’t feel comfortable doing that” is much more accurate.  (This is probably what would’ve happened if the Order was still around, anyway, and/or how he was actually taken in - the 3D TCW episode with the Jedi children shows the bounty hunters tricking the parents to kidnap the kids, implying that a real Jedi would work with the family to transition the children in a safe and healthy manner.  The Rodian even says the Jedi have already spoken to her iirc.)

Of course even if Grogu is unhealthily attached to Din (which he isn’t, imo, he behaves like a child at a normal level of attachment to a regular caretaker he loves) then ignoring it and not doing anything about it is equally bad.... as we’ve already seen when he got upset with Cara last season.  Baby must learn to control his powers so he doesn’t hurt himself or others, especially since he’s so young he doesn’t always have full control over his own emotions.  “Big” emotions can be a lot for a kid; a screaming meltdown is bad enough when the kid can’t yeet you with their mind.  I’ve been hit, kicked, bitten, scratched, had toys thrown at me, even been hit with heavy wooden blocks.  A Grogu out of control with his emotions and using the Force?  Terrifying.  Yes, his attachment to Din makes him more vulnerable to his fears and anger - we’ve seen him choke Cara and while he only held back the mudhorn, in theory he could’ve done more.  But that is just all the more reason to teach him control.  Ignore harmful behavior and it will only get worse, and Din isn’t really equipped to help him navigate that since Din doesn’t understand the Force and can’t understand what Grogu says.

(Also lol at “He doesn’t understand” “He does.”  You can 100% tell when kids understand you perfectly and are refusing to do it, even when a parent is making excuses for their darling. xD  Especially since kids will frequently act/react differently to their parents versus other caretakers.)

“He’s hidden his abilities to survive over the years” I call partial bullshit on that.  No, I don’t think Baby has done any long-term planning or had thoughts along the lines of “I’m being hunted and need to protect myself by pretending not to be a Force-user.”  But I think he has probably figured out people react a certain way when he does Force things and perhaps decided “I shouldn’t make things float because then people will grab me/I will get taken away/other consequence I don’t like will happen.”  That’s more in line with a toddler’s level of thinking/comprehension.  And it adds greater weight to him saving Din from the mudhorn - he didn’t know how Din would react to him using the Force, if Din would try and hurt him or lock him in the pod or whatever, but he still wanted to save Din.  Overall though I think Baby’s Force-use is in line with a toddler’s thoughts.  “I want X to happen, I can make that happen with the Force, so I will make X happen unless I’m more scared of [consequence] happening.”

So overall a pretty revealing episode for Baby/Grogu.  (I’m not used to the new name yet tbh.)  Although I’m worried about how many times it will take Din hearing it to realize that yes, you are this baby’s father, get that through your beskar-plated skull.

[hellowkatey]

angstpril day 1: "you have to let me go"

the five times Obi-Wan hears these words, and the one time he says them

1-Satine // 2-Qui-Gon // 3-Satine // 4-Ahsoka // 5-Anakin // +1-Luke

1

Her touch is light. A few fingers lazily intertwined with his as they sit beside one another. Knees knocking together with every restless leg shake… or perhaps, a purposeful movement. Her touch is light because Qui-Gon is in the next room, and his footsteps are virtually silent to the ear when he wants them to be-- and around the two of them it's like he's constantly padding on the tips of his toes just to raise Obi-Wan's blood pressure.

Her touch is also light because it's the last moments they have together. Satine and him seem to have different philosophies when it comes to saying goodbye. She likes to distance herself. Satine would sooner put galaxies between them and whisper her final words through a commlink than have a proper farewell. She says it's because she hates when people see her cry, so it's easier this way. While Obi-Wan doesn't like seeing her cry, he can't deny that it's when tears fall from her eyes that her eyes are bluer than the kyber crystal of his lightsaber. Breathtaking. But Obi-Wan also knows that if she starts to cry there is a fair chance he will follow close behind, which is why he lets these light touches be the thing he is etching his memory with.

If he had the choice, Satine would be wrapped in his arms, her body as close to him as they can possibly get. For as long as they can manage. He would memorize the way her hair smells, the places where their bodies fit perfectly together, and the map of her veins he likes to trace with his fingers. Given the chance, he would kiss her, kiss her the way he wished their first kiss had gone, and the way he hopes she remembers when they are worlds apart.

Her light touch twitches from its spot. Fingers separate, and he's left with nothing. Were they in the presence of others, he might accept this as their final touch, but the room is empty and Obi-Wan isn't satisfied with this goodbye. He reaches out, grabbing her hand as she stands, knowing full well she has every intention of walking out of here and not looking back.

"Please," he says. "What if I leave the--"

"You have to let me go," she says. Satine won't let him finish that sentence. Just like he would never let her finish her own version. He holds her hand for a second longer and then decides to indulge one last time.

A kiss on the back of her hand. The brush of his lips as light as her touch on his fingers, and then he lets her go.

2

His skin is cold. How can it be so icy already? Only seconds after he fell-- or so it feels-- and Qui-Gon's skin is clammy and cold. Obi-Wan is panicking. He has been trained not to panic in every situation imaginable but somehow Qui-Gon failed to instruct him what to do if he finds himself holding his dying master in his arms.

"It's… It's too late," Qui-Gon says in a tone that is much too weak for Obi-Wan to perceive as being real. Tears spring up in his eyes and drop onto Qui-Gon's chest in unceremonious splatters. It feels so un-Jedi-like to cry, but he has lost the will to care about that.

"No," the padawan protests. He shakes his head like a youngling,

"Obi-Wan," his master says. While he sees his lips moving, he is suddenly aware of Qui-Gon's voice within his head, speaking directly into their Force bond. A message only for him to hear.

"You have to let me go."

He looks at him with horror. "The medics… they will be here momentarily just hold--"

"You have to let me go, padawan. My time is over."

Even Obi-Wan feels it now. The Force wrapping around his master like a warm blanket. His skin is still cold with Obi-Wan runs his fingers along Qui-Gon's cheek, but his spirit is ablaze.

"Yes, Master."

Obi-Wan promises many things in those final moments, but the hardest comes when Qui-Gon leans back into his leg, his weight releasing and his last breath coming out like a soft gasp of relief.

3

While every other goodbye Satine has ever given has been curt and distant, leaving Obi-Wan wishing there were more, nothing prepared him for the goodbye he thought he wanted.

She lays in his lap. His arms wrapped around her, her body pressed into his chest as close as she can possibly get. Satine looks exactly as his memory stored. Golden hair he has to brush out of her smooth face, cheeks red and cheekbones high. Her hand is slipped into his and she's squeezing it hard-- were her veins not slowly releasing their content of blood he might be able to trace them with his finger like he used to when they'd lazily lay together watching the clouds overhead.

Satine's blue eyes are as vibrant as the kyber crystal that called to him as she tells him that she loves him. That she always has.

And when her hand cradles his face, a touch as light as all the rest, he is thrust back into reality. Somehow the faint touches and distant goodbyes always felt temporary. He would always see her again whether in a few months or years or decades. But somehow she is right here and already gone-- the way Satine always liked to say goodbye, especially when Obi-Wan was nowhere near ready to say it himself.

You have to let me go, she mouths to him as her eyes flutter closed. Because somehow she knows that making those her final words aloud to him would crush him in every way. When her hand falls limp at her side, he catches it.

A kiss on the back of her hand. The brush of his lips as light as her touch used to be, and though he feels like his entire world is crumbling around him, he lets her go.

4

He catches Ahsoka outside the Temple. A few tears fall from her eyes, but even as she allows him to walk next to her, she says nothing. Her shields are up. Tight. And when he looks at her he can see the dark circles under her eyes and the slouch of her shoulders. She's exhausted. Physically and mentally.

"Ahsoka," Obi-Wan stops to say when they turn the corner and he is confident they are alone. She stops but doesn't look him in the eye. "I am so sorry."

"Did you…"

"No," he says. He knows what she's going to ask, and it breaks his heart she would ever think he would. "Not for a second. I tried--"

"But it wasn't enough, I guess."

She finally looks at him. While anger, frustration, or even sadness would be expected of her, Obi-Wan is unsettled to see none of that. Rather, he sees resignation. Content. The determination that he knows all too well. His chest swells with guilt. He should have done more.

"The council will let you return," Obi-Wan says, the hope in his voice betraying him. "Even if you've already said no if you change your mind they will-- They must. They--"

"Abandoned me. The council abandoned me. Didn't believe in me. Are they even sorry?"

"The council… isn't always right."

"Master Kenobi, you're talking as though you are separate from the council."

A deep cut. He nods through the bitterness that he deserves.

"Ahsoka, whether you decide to return or not I just hope you know I tried. And I am sorry I didn't push even harder."

She nods. It isn't forgiveness but forgiveness is not what he is looking for. Just for her to listen.

"I understand. And I appreciate you coming after me. But you have to let me go."

So Obi-Wan stops. Immediately, and she almost looks shocked when he does, but she keeps on walking through the stutter-step of surprise. Her eyes linger on him for a moment long, and then her mouth that has been so set on remaining neutral flickers into a sad frown. Obi-Wan doesn't have to see her sadness for long, for his grand-padawan is as strong in will as she is in battle and she looks forward to her path unknown. Ahsoka doesn’t look back, and he doesn't expect her to.

He didn't listen to her once, and he won't make that mistake again.

5

Ten years since they battled on Mustafar, and still, standing in front of the man that was once his padawan, brother, and friend, has not gotten easier. He is more machine than man now. A glistening sculpture with a mangled interior he knows too well. The strangest part of it all is feeling his signature in the Force. Though he looks like Vader and sounds like an asthmatic bantha, and nothing about him is remotely reminiscent of Anakin Skywalker, the Force still registers his presence as a person Obi-Wan knows well.

"I always wonder if you are still in there, my friend," Obi-Wan says. His saber is already drawn, ready for a redo of the battle he thinks about on a daily basis. With any hope, he can right the wrongs he made a decade ago.

"You have to let Anakin Skywalker go," the Sith says, the annoyance in his voice palpable even through the respirator. "He died on Mustafar, where you killed him."

"It's funny, I remember that going differently. I remember Vader being the one who silenced my brother and took advantage of his power."

"Then this shall be a fight for who writes history."

Vader is the first to lunge, but Obi-Wan is ready. He never forgot the sound their lightsabers made clashing together as enemies ten years ago, and today it is all the same.

+1

The Force is singing at a time when Obi-Wan would least expect the Force to have any sort of positive opinion. How this situation can yield any good is far beyond the old man, but he has learned over the years there is no point in arguing with the will of the Force.

Vader is relentless. Since their last battle he has only grown stronger, and once he learns of Luke-- who is conveniently also present in this space station of destruction-- his lust for power will swell with the idea of having his son at his side. Luke is strong, kind, and well-balanced for as untrained as he is. Obi-Wan senses greatness from the boy, but all that will fail if he allows Vader to win.

So he seeks him out. Battles him yet again in a test of wits and swordsmanship. Nineteen years on Tatooine has made Obi-Wan rusty in some senses, but there is one thing he can count on.

Whether Vader admits it or not, Anakin is in there. He can see it in the way he duels, the way the wheels turn in his head and he approaches battles. Anakin was always creative and quick, using his environment as well as his lightsaber to attack from all sides. Vader is the same fighter behind that sword. While he may not be as limber in his cyborg suit, there is a part of him that is still Anakin. If that is the case, then the Force is singing because the time has finally come.

Are you sure? He asks the Force. Though it doesn't reply in Galactic Basic, as would be most convenient, it does wrap around him like a warm blanket. Obi-Wan can feel the Force that flows within him go ablaze, and the feeling is a familiar one.

Obi-Wan looks through the open blast doors as Luke runs in, his mouth open in awe and eyes filled with worry. He looks at Vader, too enthralled in the fight to pay any attention to the importance of the person just a handful of meters away. And the old Jedi Master smiles.

Vader staggers. Obi-Wan can practically see Anakin behind the mask doing a double-take. Wondering what in the world he could be thinking to be losing their duel and grinning at him.

Obi-Wan raises his lightsaber. I'll see you soon, Master, he says into the Force, and as Vader's swings through the air, he hears Luke cry out in protest, and then nothing at all.

"No!" Luke yells, immediately regretting his outburst when five stormtroopers take notice of their position and start firing. He can see Ben's cloak in a heap on the ground in front of the murderous monster that just cut through him, and out of desperation to save Old Ben, he starts firing back at the troopers.

Han and Leia are yelling at him to get on the Millennium Falcon, but he has already downed one trooper, and he can get the rest! He can get the rest and defeat Vader and--

"Luke," a voice says. His head turns by instinct, but it isn't a voice speaking to him aloud, nor is it Han or Leia's voice. "You have to let me go."

"Ben? Ben are you--"

"Go, Luke. All will be revealed in time."

Luke stands for a moment in a daze until Han screaming at him to blast the door pulls him out of the trance. He does as he's told, and as Vader marches toward him the blast doors slam shut in his face, separating him from the monster that killed Ben.

"Run, Luke, run." Ben's voice rings in his head. He doesn't understand it, but he listens.

[siennahrobek]

Ahsoka couldn’t stop staring at him.

Vaguely, she knew some things about her lineage, although honestly, it always had felt like it was just her, Anakin and Obi-Wan. She knew a man named Qui-Gon Jinn had been Obi-Wan’s master, and that Anakin sometimes wouldn’t shut up about that guy. She knew that Count Dooku was Master Jinn’s, which was just so weird to think about, especially him being part of their lineage. Or supposed to be. It made some sense, on some level, she supposed, because Dooku had kept complimenting Master Obi-Wan, and she had even heard that the man tried to turn her grandmaster. It sounded ridiculous, Master Obi-Wan ever leaving the Order.

Master Obi-Wan didn’t talk about his own master that much. Apparently, he hadn’t even met Count Dooku until he had left the Jedi and the war was about to start. Anakin had only known Qui-Gon for something of a week and didn’t know him that well, despite the way he talked about him, one would have thought that he was not only Anakin’s hero but also knew him for a long time. She supposed it made sense that Qui-Gon would have had other padawans before her own grandmaster, he had achieved the rank of master and was around the age of sixty by the time he had died.

If Master Obi-Wan knew about Qui-Gon’s other padawans, he didn’t really say anything. Although then again, they had been in the middle of the war. There was not a lot of time for that sort of thing.

She wondered if Master Obi-Wan knew about Feemor.

Somehow, she kind of doubted it.

Ahsoka and Feemor had been sequestered in one of the rooms in the Healing Halls, as the glue on his cut was drying and she was trying to get her mind back in working order. She hadn’t answered him when he said he was Master Obi-Wan’s brother. She had just stared at him for a moment before completely changing the subject. He seemed to get a hint of some kind and didn’t pursue it. He told her that Rex was either prepping for or in the middle of a surgery, that it wouldn’t take very long as it was a rather straightforward and short surgery and explained a little more about the chips that had been in the clones’ heads. It made her sick. If Rex or any one of the 322nd had gotten those orders during flight…if Master Obi-Wan hadn’t warned her…she didn’t want to think what would have happened.

The fact that Commander Cody had attacked Master Obi-Wan seemed insane enough.

She wasn’t thinking of Anakin when she spoke again, and it had been nearly half an hour. There had to be something more to that. Perhaps he had a chip in his brain. Ahsoka couldn’t even imagine a thought on why Anakin would murder children without being forced.

“What do we do now?”

Feemor looked up at her, but he didn’t seem to have an answer. She figured he would suggest going back to the fight. It was a horrifying choice, she didn’t want to fight anyone, much less the 501st. They were her family too.

“We prepare,” a new voice replied, calm and stern.

Both Jedi glanced over. Rex was in his blacks, standing tall with a bandage slapped on the side of his head where the incision must have been. He looked scared and tired but determined.

“What do you mean?” Ahsoka asked.

“They have the near entirety of the 501st legion,” Rex pointed out, grimly. “Even with defensive positions and the defense of the Temple itself, the Jedi can’t hold out forever, especially with most of their warriors being out in the field with the rest of the troopers.”

“Evacuation,” Feemor pointed out, stroking his chin as he glanced at the floor in thought. Ahsoka stared, as it was rather reminiscent of Master Obi-Wan with the same action. “When Obi-Wan contacted Kamino before the battle started, he mentioned that we may have to flee. He also mentioned it when he talked to one of the troopers in the 212th, warning them about communications. I think he was certain we would have to. And I think he is right.”

Rex nodded, even though he had shot Master Feemor a look Ahsoka couldn’t identify. “Us three aren’t going to be a lot of help in the battle itself. We have to trust the leaders who are doing it for the moment to keep the others at bay. But we can get a head start on preparations for evacuation.”

“Obi-Wan’s 212th knows,” Feemor added, gesturing above them. “They are blocking all communications so they can’t get Orders. From what we can gather, the chips are activated when the Sith Lord says certain things and then can be activated if a clone trooper is near an activated chip of another. So right now, the 212th is relatively safe. The only problem is, I don’t think we will be able to contact them. If they followed Obi-Wan’s instructions, there is only one clone with communications, and I don’t think he will accept anything from anyone but Obi-Wan.”

“Let me guess,” Rex said in some sort of tone that was a mix of amused and flat. “Waxer or Boil.”

Feemor blinked. “Uh…Boil I think.”

“Knew it,” Rex muttered with a faint smirk. Given an odd glimpse, Rex just shrugged. “Pretty sure those two are General Kenobi’s favorites.”

“We should contact Jesse and the 332nd,” Ahsoka added, quickly. She already got up from her cot, a little dizzy, but continued to move. “We may still be able to save them.”

Feemor shrugged. “Alright. I’m sure Master Healer Che would be okay with us using her office for a holocall,” he continued, following Ahsoka into standing. Without another word, he turned towards the door. It took a few minutes to find her office – Ahsoka didn’t really know off the top of her head, but they did.

Ahsoka clicked in the number for her ship, Jesse and Echo’s forms popping up in the signature holo blue. “Commander!” Jesse greeted. “You just took a shuttle and hightailed it out of here. What happened? Were you going after Maul? You should have brought back up!”

Feemor glanced at the young togruta. “No. I didn’t go after Maul. Jesse, have you gotten any communications from anyone planet side?”

“No, sir. We blocked communications like you ordered. We weren’t entirely sure what you wanted after you left,” he admitted. “What is happening?”

“No, you did good,” Ahsoka assured. “There is a lot going on down here. I don’t have a lot of information but there are chips in every trooper’s head’s and the Sith has been using that to brainwash them into killing Jedi.”

Both Jesse and Echo’s face fell as they stared at her wide-eyed. “Tup.”

“Yes.”

“Fives was right then,” Jesse whispered.

“It appears so,” Ahsoka replied mournfully. “It seems the orders are transferred verbally from a single source and then passed on as one chip is activated, they all do according to proximity.”

“We need to get them out,” Echo hissed.

“I agree but things are…bad down here.”

“Bad?” Echo questioned, warily.

Ahsoka hesitated but Feemor answered for her. “The 501st legion is laying siege on the Temple, killing Jedi.”

No one said a word for a long minute.

Feemor continued, speaking in the silence. Ahsoka didn’t know what to say, how could she? “We are going to be evacuating once we can press the troopers back and have an opening. You need to be ready to flee when it happens. I’m very sorry but if you stay, the Sith will enslave you.”

“I understand, sir,” Echo’s voice was quiet and soft. “We will be ready for your communications and ready to come down and help if necessary.”

“Thank you, troopers,” Feemor replied. “We wanted to warn you about this before anything happens. A lot of soldiers are activated but please, don’t give away your location. We can’t help your brothers without a plan, and we don’t have enough people to do anything yet.”

“Understood, sir,” Jesse muttered.

“We have to go,” Ahsoka finally chimed in. “I will contact you soon.”

The holo blinked out. “I know that was hard, Ahsoka,” Feemor said quietly. “And we will save as many as we can.”

“We have supposedly been trying to do that for the entire war,” Ahsoka grumbled bitterly.

Rex came to the rescue. “We should move.”

“We should rescue Anakin.”

Feemor’s head snapped so fast, both nearly thought he would break it. “Save him?” he asked, with emphasis. Rex tried to get them through the door and out of the office. He mostly succeeded. “What does he need saving from, Ahsoka?”

“I think he might be chipped,” she replied, a bit defensively.

“You think he might be chipped.” Feemor echoed, flatly.

It appeared Rex didn’t really know where he was leading the two Jedi, but all he knew is that he needed to get them moving.

“Yes,” Ahsoka pouted, her lip curling. “He was my master. I know him. He would never do something like this.”

“He is leading a massacre on the Temple, against the Jedi, against his family,” Feemor added. Rex shoots an uneasy glance at the both of them, slowly working through the halls.

“He wouldn’t… there must be some explanation.”

“What possible explanation could there be for this?”

“You don’t know him!” Ahsoka snapped.

“You’re right. I don’t,” Feemor agreed, fighting to remain calm. Tensions too high would do them no good, even she knew that. But she was frustrated, and this was much all too difficult for her to understand or wrap her head around. It didn’t make any sense. “But I don’t need to right now. I saw him lead the siege on the Temple. I saw him cut down Jedi like they were nothing. You and I both saw him murder a defenseless youngling and young padawan. They were children,” he pointed out, bluntly. There was no sugar-coating the truth. Rex’s jaw clenched as he looked behind at the two of them again. Feemor shook his head and his voice softened. “This is what it means to be a Jedi, putting others’ lives above that of one, above oneself. You didn’t see the look on Obi-Wan’s face when he had to fight Anakin.”

Ahsoka stared at him, her feet moving without her even noticing.

“He knew,” Feemor shook his head softly. “And it was tearing him up inside. You don’t have to trust me or take my word for it, but you should trust Obi-Wan. He does know Anakin. Better than you.”

She hated that he was right; that if anyone knew Anakin, it would be Master Obi-Wan. He raised Anakin since he was young. But that didn’t mean she wanted to believe it. There was nothing to be said for a few moments before Rex stopped in his tracks and the two jedi nearly ran into him. “What is it?” Ahsoka asked.

“Do you hear that?”

Once they settled into silence, they could hear faint banging against a door. The three of them ran down the halls towards the sound. It became apparent once they got closer, the door moving as someone was throwing themselves at it, furniture and debris blockading it. They all looked at each other curiously. As Feemor and Ahsoka used the Force to move the debris, Rex readied his blasters. The two Jedi swung to the sides of the hall, just out of sight. As the door unlocked and opened, several troopers fell out.

“Good soldiers follow orders,” one of them mumbled.

Rex narrowed his eyes, slamming the butt of one of his guns hard against him, knocking him out. Feemor and Ahsoka ran into the brief fray as well, Ahsoka tangling around one of them to knock him unconscious while Feemor sent a wave of a force suggestion to the others.

“These are 501st,” Rex realized.

“The Jedi have been trying to trap them instead of kill,” Feemor answered. “We should get them to the Healing Halls to get their chips removed. Perhaps they can give us some information on how to stop the attack.”

Ahsoka didn’t look at him for a moment but quickly hooked her arms underneath a body to move it. Rex and Feemor had an easier time but eventually, they had gotten the troopers to the medical rooms. Ahsoka didn’t leave their side as Feemor found a med droid free and practically pushed the droid over.

The surgeries were quick and efficient; it didn’t take much.

When the first soldier came to not a couple of minutes later, he had immediately burst into tears which quickly turned into full out sobbing. Rex looked a little shocked but knelt at the soldier’s side. “Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay now,” he tried to comfort him. It was to little prevail, as the trooper just kept crying into his hands, his shoulders shuddering and his chest heaving heavily. Feemor reached out towards his presence and projected better feelings. Calm, safe, peace. It only helped a little, as it was enough that the trooper could get himself to speak.

“We thought we could trust him,” the trooper let out, gritting his teeth. He was quaking near violently, trying to gasp in breath. “We thought he cared. About us…but…he…he doesn’t.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What is your name, trooper,” Feemor approached and asked, quietly.

“CT-.”

“Your name,” Feemor urged, softly.

“Impulse, sir,” the soldier responded, trying to keep down his cries. The tears still came but the sobs had died down.

“Hello Impulse, my name is Feemor. Can you tell us what you mean?” he asked, keeping his voice soft, although the jedi was fairly certain he knew who the trooper was speaking of.

“General Skywalker,” Impulse winced. “He…he led us on the Temple. We just killed everyone. No one is safe.”

Ahsoka’s face twisted. “He may be chipped or something, like you. We don’t know what is going on,” she tried, quiet and gentle.

The trooper stared at her, wide-eyed. “He was so angry when the Jedi put down ray shields at the doors and he couldn’t get in quietly. And when the jedi there spoke, he got frustrated and lashed out. He took my brother’s head clean off. He was just…just standing there! No one could do anything, no one even could even flinch! His head and helmet rolled to my feet. He was my batchmate, my best friend!”

Rex put a hand on the trooper’s shoulder and muttered quiet apologies but everyone could see his body became as stiff as a board. Ahsoka was nearly in tears as she stepped back, wide-eyed and horrified and Feemor stood up and ushered her away and out of sight of the two soldiers. She shook her head again and again. “It’s not possible.” She sounded more like she was talking to herself than anyone else, trying to convince herself that it couldn't be true. How could it be true?

“We don’t know what is going on yet,” Feemor assured but even he knew he didn’t sound very convinced. Ahsoka was fighting everything. From what she had learned, the chipped clones had been trapped inside themselves, unable to do much of anything outside of orders. Unable to express or speak when wanting too. Anakin seemed to be the opposite. But how could what she knew of Anakin be so wrong? “Is there anyone you can speak to for any insights or answers?”

“Padme,” Ahsoka replied, in realization.

Feemor’s eyes narrowed, confused. “Who?”

“Senator Padme Amidala,” Ahsoka repeated. “She’s a friend to the jedi and Anakin’s friend.”

She said friend like it meant something different. Ahsoka was pretty sure he understood what she meant. Ahsoka bounced back into Che’s office, the older master on her heels. She clicked in another number, but it took a few moments for the youthful face of the Senator to pop up. Her expression washed away into something of relief and joy when she saw Ahsoka. “Ahsoka!” she greeted.

“Padme,” Ahsoka smiled. “I have a lot to ask you and I’m not sure if I have much time.”

Her face turned to confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I’m on Coruscant-.”

“You are? Have you seen Anakin?”

Ahsoka frowned. “You don’t know where he is?”

“He has been acting stressed for the past couple of days. Obi-Wan has seen it too, he came to visit me about him the morning before he left to Utapau. Anakin has been under a lot of stress and having nightmares…I don’t know…”

“Nightmares about what?”

Padme hesitated.

“You can tell me.”

“I’m pregnant, Ahsoka.”

Although Feemor was off screen, he and Ahsoka exchanged looks. He wasn’t nearly surprised as Ahsoka thought he should have been. Did he know?

“He’s been having nightmares about me dying in childbirth,” Padme confessed. “He said he had found a way to save me, even though I told him I wasn’t going to die in childbirth. The likelihood of that, here, is…well, it doesn’t happen. Ahsoka, are you alright? It looks like there is smoke and fire coming from the Temple.”

Ahsoka glanced down. How to explain this. “The clones are chipped and brainwashed. They are leading an attack on the Temple.”

Padme gasped. “How? Why?!”

“The Sith have control over them,” Ahsoka’s eyes darkened at the thought. “But…that’s not all. Padme, Anakin is leading them. He is killing Jedi, masters, Guards…younglings.”

Padme’s eyes widened. “That is impossible, he would never do such a thing. You’re wrong. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t!”

Ahsoka couldn’t meet her eyes, but Feemor caught hers, a silent question passing between them. She steadied herself and looked back up. “I’ve seen him killing younglings,” she whispered, voice hoarse. “I…he’s turned to the Dark Side.”

The Senator just stared. And stared some more.

“My apologies, Ahsoka, someone is at the door. I must take my leave,” her voice was just a bit wavering, but she somehow kept a straight face. Ahsoka opened her mouth to try and stop her, but Padme interrupted her with little emotion aside from a strained voice. “I will call you later.”

Without anything else, she turned off the call.

Ahsoka swallowed. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

[officialgomezaddams]

Morality

I honestly dk what this is but its set in AOTC kinda want to turn this into a little series $wag also shout out to my fellow nihilists this is for you bb

Palpatine had always kept watchful over her but never loomed. It would have been too obvious. When he met Anakin, it was like a breath of fresh air, a realization that this little boy was destined to restore the balance in the force and his daughter, Y/n, would be the one to defeat him. He had begun the idea of his daughter once he joined the Darkside, already knowing that the possibility to be overthrown was something he couldn’t let happen. The dark energy, the power, was simply too much to let go of. The moment he saw the nine-year-old boy, the lord was happy to know that the power would stay on the dark side. 

Dooku trained Y/n as a padawan, and when he left the order, he took Y/n with him, kidnapping her into the night. When she asked why they were leaving the temple as he dragged her into a ship, he simply replied, “Sometimes when politicians can’t do their job, we must do something ourselves.” Over the years together, he would open up more, telling Y/n about the death of Qui-Gon and every step that drove him to leave. 

“The Jedi rely on selflessness. To strip one’s ability to have connection and emotion. They lose themselves in conformity. We need to take control of the life we’re given. Emotion, passion, drive. Those are how we will be victorious. Corrupt politicians pull the Jedi around like kites on strings. You can not try and save a house that its lousy foundation has torn down. Tear it down and build a new one.” 

It was her job to ensure just that, a new foundation set within the heart of the Darkside. Relentless training to mentally and physically defeat the chosen one. Palpatine would often tell her that her destiny was a part of the Sith Two, that the strongest one of the two would survive, and it was to be her. Darth Sidious found comfort that his creation would take over the Darkside once she had killed him and the Count. The most decisive Jedi ruling on the side of the night. 

She didn’t quite understand it, but to stay on the Darkside made the most sense to her. It wasn’t about power. It was the lifestyle. Why be selfless if there was no personal gain? Why spend a life living for something else? Shouldn’t one live their life for themselves? Everyone, she determined, had to want something. As long as she did what she wanted, it was enough. It had to be. Because without drive and her idea of what was truly right and wrong, how would she get anything done? 

She rationed that it all didn’t matter. She would never know who was right because, in her mind, the concept of being right varied too much. The Jedi thought they were right, the sith thought they were right, the politicians who voted against their people’s needs thought they were right. She had to suffer through Palpatine’s long lectures about how awful the senate was and now terrible the Jedi Order is. But who was to say he was right? That was only his opinion. Who was to say the Jedi were right because a frog that was almost nine hundred years old said so? 

“I’m just…” Anakin went on, pulling a piece of grass out of the ground. “I mean, I don’t know. Padmè is beautiful and wonderful. She’s everything that could make someone perfect: marriage, it’s so permanent. I know I’m supposed to be excited, which I am, of course. But what if we were not supposed to be together.” 

His speech made her frown. “Sometimes, it’s better just to dive in and see where you land.” She offered. The dreams with Anakin were a peaceful escape to a Jedi’s life. Neither knew why their dreams brought them together or what they even meant. Neither of them bothered, living the same training life on opposite sides. A sweet dream was the perfect reward. “And who are you going to be with then, me?” She teased back. 

The setting of the dreams was in the meadows of Naboo. The pastel-colored flowers stood dim in the moonlight from the starry night above. Anakin laid with his head in her lap as they talked about their personal lives, never going in too deep about what their destinies were. Anakin no longer had the pressure of being the chosen one, and Y/n never had to admit she would kill the chosen one. 

“I wish,” Anakin admitted, now looking up at her. “I want so bad to meet you Y/n, not just in my dreams but in real life. If I could have you by my side, all of this would be less confusing. I’ve fallen in love with you, a woman in my dreams. Why can’t you be in my reality?”

“Don’t say that,” She whispered. Whenever Anakin talked about his little girl-thing, Y/n wasn’t even one hundred percent sure what their relationship was, and she always felt a slight nic in her heart. Y/n knew that she was in love with Anakin, but to hear about another woman making him the happiest he’s been in the majority of the years that she knew him, that it wasn’t her, the one sneaking in kisses with him in the shadows. It brought out an ugly feeling of jealousy and possessiveness to Y/n that she didn’t know she had. 

“I promise, one day, I’ll be with you in all the ways you want.” She spoke with a smile. She would often daydream about what life would be like to meet him real-time. They would run up to each other and crush each other in a hug. She imagined it all.

“Tell me about it,” Anakin edged on, closing his eyes as if it was going to play out in his head.

“Well, I want to go somewhere like D’Qar, somewhere quiet where I won’t have to worry about neighbors or anyone I don’t want finding me. Or us, because you’re coming with me no matter what your soon-to-be wife says,” You teased, making him laugh. “Maybe- Sometimes in my dreams, there’s no Padmè, it’s just us, and every so often there are kids, but it’s just us. Tucked away where we can be together, and nothing can bother us or stop us from being together.”

The silence that sat in between them began to scare Y/n, “Is that a future you would want with me?”

His eyes met hers, a peaceful moment in the chaos of their lives. He reached up to tuck a strand of hair that fell in front of her face, behind her ear. “If I were able to, I would.”

“And why can’t you? Why can’t you have the things you want, Anakin? Is it wrong to be happy?” 

Waking up from the dreams was always the most challenging part, the reality of it not being a reality. Y/n woke up already in a bad mood, mentally kicking herself for pushing too far in. Of course, he wouldn’t want to. He’s getting married to someone else. You’re too late. It had always been Y/n’s plan to end up with Anakin in some way or another. From the first dream to now, she decided to leave the Sith once she had killed the chosen one. Somedays, she would pace around, impatiently waiting for whoever held the title to cross her path so she could just finish the job and take the next ship to wherever Anakin was. 

She tore the necklace he had given her off her neck, clutching the carven japor snippet in her hand with a grip so hard she could have cracked it if it wasn’t made out of stone. She was squeezing her eyes shut, trying not to cry. Anakin had given Y/n the good luck charm when they were at the age of thirteen. Y/n was upset that once everything was over that he may not want to be with her, the reputation of her choices would drive him away. 

“Well, you can’t be that bad,” He commented, pulling out the carved stone from his pocket and shyly handing it to her. “I made this for you,” Anakin explained as she put it around her neck, “So that when good things happen, you can think of me. It’ll be my way of keeping you safe, and in return, one day, you will come to me safely.”

She opened her eyes and stared at the carvings, remembering how Anakin said he made it just for her, so she better not lose it. Y/n wanted to break it, throw it away, and never see Anakin again. She wanted more than just the dreams. She wanted the sunsets and the early morning and the rainy days - all of it. Maybe they were wrong, they weren’t supposed to meet, and it was just a nice dream. 

She couldn’t do that. She at least owes him a simple greeting, and then she can get rid of him. Putting the necklace back on and wiping her face to make sure she wasn’t crying, Y/n walked out of the room, ready for whatever the sith wanted her to do. 

“Just be patient,” Her master told her as they waited outside the still open ship. Geonosis was overrun with battle, the sith fighting tooth and bone to claim the planet as its capital, the major droid foundries, and its Mandalorians. Nothing could be more perfect for the sith. The two force signatures caught Y/n’s attention. Looking up at Dooku, she told him, “Well, let’s make it quick then.” 

“The chosen one will be here,” he whispered back. “I’ll leave that one to you.”

“You’re gonna pay for all the Jedi you killed, Dooku,” A familiar voice said as you both turned around in unison. “Y/N?” A pit dropped in her stomach. It was him, Anakin. Anakin’s blue saber was pointed at the ground, more focused on her than the older man. 

The necklace he gave her burned her through her robes. Anakin was finally there in front of her. This Anakin was different from her dreams. He stood with more pride and confidence. He was also the chosen one. “I-I didn’t expect to meet you like this,” She told him, knowing full well once on the ship, she would be interrogated about her knowledge of the boy. 

“Why are you with him?” The venom in his voice almost made her feel guilty about being who she was. “Are you-? Don’t tell me Y/n-” He couldn’t find the words to express his confusion and disappointment, “You’re a Sith. How can you be with them? You lied to me! Can’t you see what they’re doing to you? Can’t you see what they’ve done!”

“The Jedi know no facts,” She spoke, looking over at the Count, waiting for his head nod and sign of approval to ignite her orange saber. The whole weapon was made for destruction, a perfect saber to kill the chosen one. Its orange glow was representing strength. The curved hilt that matched hers of her masters was perfect for duels and close fights. “Only assumptions.”

It hurt her to have him looking at her in disgust. As if she was suddenly less than him because of her beliefs. “Anakin, you need to calm down,” She warned him as he charged towards her, only for Dooku to step in front of her, raising his hand to send bolds of electricity into the boy’s body and fling him into a rock wall. “Don’t keep me waiting,” Her master spoke before walking up the platform of the ship. 

Y/n only had seconds to understand that not only her master had abandoned her, Anakin was also lying limp in a pile of rocks, and the other Jedi was making his way towards her. She pointed her saber straight ahead at him, taking careful steps around him, trying to think about how this all would end. Was this it? When is supposed to kill the chosen one who happened to be the boy Y/n had fallen in love with over the past ten years? She knew that once she killed Anakin, she would have to kill the two sith above her, starting the two over with her as a master. 

“I heard the little green guy talks highly of you, Kenobi. What a pity it will be when I kill his two strongest men.”

Obi-wan shook his head, “You’re not Dooku’s apprentice. You’re just an assassin to him. Y/n why would he elect a child to be his successor?” He spoke as if he could read her mind, his blue eyes pleading with her. 

“You don’t know anything!” Y/n yelled, making the first strike. His saber skills were advanced, but quickly she was able to disarm him and left two marks on him, one on his arm and one on his thigh. She walked up to him, the two staring at each other. Was she about to kill this man? She had never killed a human before. Taking down droids and other creatures were casual to her. Humans? This man was edging her on with his eyes, both understanding that she wasn’t able to drive her saber into his neck. She couldn’t just kill a man who had done nothing to her. That would be wrong, right? But if it was so bad, why was she encouraged to do it? 

Before she could thoroughly choose, Anakin came at full force again. This time his master had tossed him his saber, making the fight two against one. “Why won’t you join our site, the right side?” Anakin asked, swiftly dodging her but failing to make any advancements to disarming her. 

“I don’t believe in any right sides.” She told him, knocking the green lightsaber out of his hand, evening out the fight. “I believe in one thing. Power of human will.” 

She walked into the ship quietly, ignoring the little green Jedi behind her. She didn’t care about the older man, Yoda or Count Dooku. She walked past the sith and made her way right to the pilot’s seat before sitting down. 

Dooku followed her, giving her space as she sat down. Crossing his arms like a disappointed parent, he asked, “Well?”

“I cut his arm off,” Y/n spoke, taking out the necklace and looking at the charm in her hand. She left right after, watching him lay unconscious against his master, missing apart of his right arm. She had hurt him, and for a moment, when she was looking at the injured pair, the padawan’s master had the same look on his face as before. An eyebrow raised as if to say, Do it, kill us. I doubt you’ll do it. 

“I’m disappointed in you.” He said. Y/n could have done it. She would have just pictured them as droids and slice the two in half. It would have been quick and painless. She could have plaid her life out, kill the chosen one, rule the sith, and live her life. Why didn’t you? She kept thinking as she admired the gift. 

Looking at the charm, the future she talked about seemed too far away, especially now. The end with the boy she loved, Anakin, who also was the boy she was supposed to kill. But for right now, she thought to herself. She wouldn’t kill him, at least not yet, until she knew for sure that her fantasies with Anakin were just wild dreams. It was her own life. Why couldn’t she have the things she wanted? 

[animemangasoul]

You Are Wanted Obi-Wan Kenobi

Summery: Qui-Gon lives and Mace gets a new Padawan.

[In which Qui-Gon repudiates Obi-Wan and Mace isn't about to let the kid leave the order without a fight.]

Chapter: 5/10

He'd just finished eating and finally found the strength to open the very first box of many; fishing a familiar river stone from its depth when the door was once again being knocked.

 Obi-Wan didn't have to open it to know exactly who was waiting for him on the other side, and the good mood he'd amassed from Master Billaba's visit drained away with each step he took towards the door. Instead being replaced by absolute dread. As the door slid open, Obi-Wan came face to face with his former Master and his heart sank.

 "Master Qu--- Jinn," he said, mental shields slamming back down and emotions washing off his face. Show nothing, be nothing, don't let him hurt you anymore. "What brings you here?"

 A flash of something flickered through his former Master's eyes, but it was gone too quickly for Obi-Wan to decipher. "Obi-Wan," Master Qui-Gon smiled; voice holding that gentle tone that had always carried his Padawan through their worst times. "May I come in?"

 All Obi-Wan could do was step aside and let the man who'd crushed his soul walk past him and into his new home.

 "Thank you, dear one," Master Qui-Gon whispered to him, hand coming up to squeeze his shoulder before making a beeline for the kitchen to put on a pot of tea. Appearing to be familiar enough with Master Windu's kitchen to go through his cabinets with expertise. "I trust you have eaten?"

 Obi-Wan stared at his back, not quite able to wrap his head around what was going on.

 Was his Mast---- Former Master really acting as if nothing had changed between them? Like he could just walk back into Obi-Wan's life and Obi-Wan would just let him back in?

 'Haven't you already done that,' his inner voice mocked him. Gritting his teeth; faintly worried how the repeat action might have negative side effect on his molars, Obi-Wan crossed his arms. "What are you doing here, Master Jinn?"

 Some of the frost he was feeling most have coated his tone, for Master Qui-Gon stiffened ever so slightly before turning around and meeting his eyes, Obi-Wan refused to look away. Not this time. "Well?"

 Raising a single eyebrow, his former Master gave him a disapproving look, clearly displeased with his lack of respect. "Young Anakin encouraged me to come see you and I was inclined to follow his advice." Eyes softening significantly, Master Qui-Gon's lips stretched into a tentative smile. "I'm so relieved to see you well, Obi-Wan, you are…." And on and on he went, but whatever he was saying, Obi-Wan couldn't hear it anymore. Not after……

 Anakin had told Qui-Gon to visit him.

 Anakin had been…. He wouldn't have come without Anakin telling him to.

 He…..

 Why was he surprised?

 Why did the very thought of this knowledge still manage to bruise his heart?

 Qui-Gon had only come because of Anakin.

 Of course he'd only come because of Anakin.

 "Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon sounded uncertain, clearly having trailed off as soon as he'd noticed his audience wasn't listening to him anymore. "Are you okay, dear one?"

 Fingers digging into the river stone plastered to his palm, Obi-Wan tried desperately not to let his emotions leak out and expose him. "I'm fine, Master Jinn," he whispered hoarsely. "And now that you know, you can kindly leave."

 His former Master's eyes narrowed, and it was all the auburn haired man could do not to shrink in on himself like usual. 'He's not the master of you,' he told himself; staring back at Qui-Gon evenly. 'Not anymore.' And oh if that fact still didn't hurt unbelievably so.

 "I came to check up on you Padawan." The older said, pain flashing through his eyes. "I would appreciate your manners not leaping out the window as soon as you've left my care."

 "Left your----" Obi-Wan took a deep breath. 'Don't, he hissed at himself. 'Master Qui-Gon is still a Master, don't lose it.' "I'm sorry Master Jinn," he forced out instead. "All I was trying to say is that I'm well and there is nothing for you to worry about anymore. I have healed."

 Now Qui-Gon's concern was practically painted across his face, any previous annoyance at his disrespect forgotten. Clear and obvious worry danced through his gaze even as his force presence revealed nothing. "You should have never healed me like you did," he said finally, reproach hidden even beneath the concern. "You were once again reckless with your life." His voice broke (in anger, in concern?) and he quickly looked away.

 Obi-Wan stared, and stared. "You," he said, pointing a shaky finger at his Master--- former Master. "You don't get to scold me for saving you," he said, bottom lip quivering. "You don't get to do that. Not anymore."

 "Obi-Wan--" and there he went again, with that tone. That love, Obi-Wan couldn't deal with it. He shouldn't have to deal with it. Not when it hurt so much.

 "Stop," he hissed. "Just stop. Please."

 And there it was, the same agony reflected back at him through Master Qui-Gon's eyes.

 They knew each other so well and yet, not well enough.

 The whistle of the boiling water served as a break in their conversation, and as Qui-Gon turned away from him to prepare the tea, Obi-Wan allowed himself a brief moment to just breathe and center himself.

 'Leave,' he thought desperately, finger digging into the stone. 'Please leave.'

 But Qui-Gon didn't leave. And soon enough he was serving them both a cup and waving for Obi-Wan to take a seat across from him.

 "I hear Mace has chosen to take you on as his Padawan learner--" his former Master started off their conversation, blowing gently at his tea before taking a sip. "That is a….. Surprise." There was a lilt of humour in his voice, almost as if he couldn't quite believe Obi-Wan had been chosen or as if he was trying to lighten the otherwise heavy mood in his usual way of making Obi-Wan smile, the auburn heard man was inclined to believe the former. After all, the gentle Master that made his priority to make him laugh and smile would have never repudiated him.

 So he knew, Master Qui-Gon was finding humour with this revelation. Being surprised that Obi-Wan had even registered on Master Windu's radar. After all, if Obi-Wan couldn't make it as Master Qui-Gon's Padawan, what hope did he have to make it as the Master of the Order's Padawan?

 A boiling anger suddenly and violently burst through his veins.

 After what Master Qui--- Jinn had done to him. After publicly humiliating him, how dare he act as if Obi-Wan wasn't even worth the time of another Master. How could he act as if Obi-Wan's desperation, his fears were nothing more than amusement.

 Did getting the chance to train the Chosen One steal any remaining sympathy the man might have had for him.

 "I guess we have both upgraded our partnerships then," he therefore hissed back, not mincing his words in the slightest. "You with your Chosen One and I, with the Master of the Order. I suppose we both came out on the other side, victors in our own way."

 This time Qui-Gon's hurt was palpable. The way he recoiled away from him practically telegraphing his pain and for a vicious second, Obi-Wan basked in it. Savored it because why should he be the only one to suffer from daggered words? Why should he be subjected to Qui-Gon's cruelty without once throwing a fist. But just as soon as the vindication flared up it was just as quickly consumed by guilt and Obi-Wan remorsefully released his negative emotions into the force, face flushed in embarrassment and horror. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "That was uncalled for…. I'm sorry."

 Qui-Gon only nodded back, his eyes distant and his face just a little too pale. It only served to make Obi-Wan feel even more guilty.

 A guilt that was replaced with uncertainty at his former Master's next question.

 "It isn't yet official, is it?" he asked him quietly, fingers curled around his cup. "Mace hasn't declared you his Padawan in front of the council yet, has he?"

 Obi-Wan swallowed thickly. "No." He said, wanting to desperately change the topic. Old feelings of insecurity bubbling up. "Not yet. But Master Billaba has told me that Master Windu will do---"

 "Then it isn't too late!"

 The relief that slammed into Obi-Wan through the force nearly blew him out of his chair.

 He gasped. "What?"

 Master Qui-Gon's force signature was practically blazing in ill concealed excitement now. All barbed words forgotten for now. "It isn't official, which means it isn't too late." His former Master whispered, smile so painfully sincere it hurt. "I can still fix this, dear one."

 "Fix it? Fix what?" Master Qui-Gon wasn't seriously talking about taking him back was he? He wasn't about to kick Anakin to the curb and take him back….was he?

 Obi-Wan could imagine the sheer devastation the poor kid would go through if that happened, even as he secretly, guilty wanted nothing more than for it to be true.

 "You can turn Mace down."

 "Why?" Obi-Wan's hands were shaking now. "To go live in the Initiate dorms?"

 As Master Qui-Goon shook his head, real, attainable hope started to blossom in Obi-Wan's chest. "Then what?"

 "You can come live with us. Me and Ani until Master Yan comes back."

 "……"

 What?

 "I've already formulated a plan to convince him to take you as his Padawan."

 Wait… no. Wait.

 "And he will officially be your Master and---

 Wait!

 "He doesn't even know me---" Obi-Wan cried out, horror striking down whatever hope that had traitorously clawed its way up his throat. "I don't know him!"

 His former Master smiled, hope flaring in his eyes. "I'm counting on it, dear one."

 What?

 "He just needs to accept you as his Padawan as a favor to me, then you can live with us permanently and I can continue to train you alongside, Ani. It'll be like as if nothing's changed."

 No.

 He couldn't be……

 'No, oh force no. Master Qui-Gon how could you ever think….'

 Obi-Wan stumbled out of his chair, distantly registering his tea cup falling out of his hand, shattering on impact. Hot liquid spilling on his bare feet.

 "I'm going to be sick," he whispered, hands coming up to cover his eyes. "Force I'm---"

 "No, Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, listen to me. Please."

 He shook his head frantically, backing away, hitting the corner of the chair, falling down with a thud. "I'm going to be sick."

 This couldn't be happening.

 After everything they'd been through. After everything they'd suffered through together. Master Qui-Gon couldn't….. How could he say this to his face.

 What did he expect him to feel. Grateful? Happy?

 'You're trying to force me on my Grandmaster,' he wanted to scream, even as his words died in his throat and his tongue felt three sizes too big. 'You're going to pawn me off and keep me around to make yourself feel better!'

 Why, why why why?

 "Obi-Wan?" A gentle touch to his elbow.

 "Don't," he hissed, slapping him away, eyes blinking furiously to hold back the onslaught of tears. "Don't you dare touch me!"

 "You need to calm down, Obi---"

 "Don't touch me!" He screamed, chest heaving as he tried and failed to take in a deep breath. Black spots dancing across his vision. "Stay away from me. Stay away from me!"

 He couldn’t see him anymore. Couldn't hear him. It was as if someone had stuffed cotton balls inside his ears and now all Obi-Wan could hear was the echoing sound of his own panic.

 Why was he panicking? What was happening? Why couldn’t he breathe?

 And suddenly, there was Maul. Yellow eyes and vengeful spirit. Suddenly he wasn't here anymore, he was there. Crouching over his dying Master, ignoring his own fatal wound as he begged the force to help him save the one man who'd saved him.

 He was there, driving his blade through Maul's neck, watching as the Sith fell and fell and fell and wondering if he'd soon join him in the force.

 And it burned.

 "Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan, can you hear me!"

 'I can't breathe,' he thought, tears springing in his eyes. 'Please, someone, anyone. I can't breathe.'

 And he was there.

 As if called up by his desperation, Master Windu was there. In his mind, filling up every corner with his presence. Tugging at their fledgling bond that Obi-Wan hadn't even known was there, let alone how it formed. 'I'm coming,' the worry said. 'You're not alone. I'm coming for you Obi-Wan.'

 And as he slowly drifted away, he was distinctly aware of two hands curling around him and bringing him close. Pulling him to their chest in comfort. "Master Mace," he wheezed." "Master."

 It felt like coming home.

 "Qui-Gon, what have you done!"

 Obi-Wan breathed out, and then, he knew nothing.

The End

Chapter: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

[gffa]

Hi!  I went through a similar phase as several of you--I never really connected the dots between my own aro/ace qualities and my gravitating towards the Jedi culture until someone else pointed it out and then everything just sort of clicked together in my head in a way that made so much sense. And I think it can be really useful to view the Jedi through this lens of aro/ace culture, not because people are obligated to agree to this interpretation (they absolutely are not obligated to do so!) but because it provides a framework of reference for why not being drawn to romance and/or sex is not a foundational flaw in characters.  That there might even be an entire group of people who find that to be really satisfying and fulfilling--I mean, look at how many people gravitated to this discussion (or were already here) in just one day on one person’s blog on one social media platform.  It’s not hard at all for me to think, yeah, I’m looking at us building aro/ace culture of our own, it’d be easy for an in-universe group of people to do the same, and the lack of romance and/or sex wouldn’t be them suppressing their feelings or lacking something fundamental about the human condition, either. That’s part of why the Jedi mean a lot to me--there are other things as well, I greatly value their “face the shit within yourself, acknowledge that shit, and then let that shit go, because holding onto it is poison that will hurt you”, as someone who came to the same conclusions long before I was ever a Star Wars fan.  I love the worldbuilding, I love the psychic space wizards aspects, I love how goddamned extra they are about everything, etc. But a culture that not only doesn’t prioritize romance/sex, but actively values other things and finds meaning in those things?  That we see they have friendships and connections all over the place, that they find joy and meaning in teaching their students (and learning from their students, just as much as they teach them), that they find joy in helping others and protecting others, that they love through different ways, that they love the galaxy around them, they love their brothers and sisters in the Force, that they love their community and their culture?  That they just don’t seem to really want love and romance? Even those that do feel romantic feelings (setting Anakin aside, of course) still find the Jedi path to be a fulfilling one.  Obi-Wan may have had romantic feelings for Satine (which was apparently fine, it’s about his commitment and where he places it, I’m pretty sure that was the whole point of the Obi-Wan/Satine relationship, to be a narrative foil for Anakin/Padme, where Anakin does prioritize his feelings for Padme over his morals and judgement, which results in disaster of epic proportions) but he is a fully realized character without them.  He loves--we see that with Qui-Gon, Ahsoka, Luke, Anakin--that he cares deeply, that he’s a compassionate person, that he lives a life that he considers satisfying.  He becomes a Force Ghost and we can see him looking out over Endor, at the things that have finally been set back to rights, and he’s happy. Even within canon, the Jedi that feel restless and like something is wrong in this galaxy, they’re not restless because they want romance/sex, but because they want to do more as Jedi.  They want to help more people, they want to do more good in the galaxy, and do you know how much that means to me?  That even those who are dissatisfied (setting aside those that leave the Jedi Order because they want to have romantic relationships, which are treated warmly by the Order and by the people who left, like Tula’s grandmother) don’t have to be shoved back into the same box so many mainstream properties shove the characters into?  That it’s not about how, oh, they want traditional nuclear families, but instead that they want MORE of what the Jedi are--more love as shown through service to others, more love as shown through helping others. Do you know what a relief it is to have a group of people who find fulfillment in the same kind of things that I do?  Friendships and helping others and learning/teaching about the galaxy around them and self-reflection/understanding and accomplishments the like?  That these are treated, not just as valuable, not even just as valuable, but more valuable to these specific people?  Without demonizing that they’re totally cool with other people wanting romantic love?  DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MEANS TO ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS THAT THE JEDI DON’T REALLY SEEM INTERESTED IN ROMANCE OR SEX AND INSTEAD FIND SATISFACTION IN OTHER THINGS?  THAT IT’S NOT ABOUT SUPPRESSING YOURSELF, BUT THAT PEOPLE SOMETIMES JUST REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT THOSE THINGS.  SOMETIMES EVEN LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE. That the Jedi aren’t just “hey, this one Jedi can be read as aro/ace, that’s neat” but instead the Jedi said, “Hey, how about an ENTIRE CULTURE that vibes hard with aro/ace culture?”  That it’s the one mainstream culture that I can think of that really can be interpreted to say, “You’re not just an outlier, but YOU’RE THE NORM in this fictional society.”  Do you know what kind of value that has to me, as someone who only has the tiniest scraps of representation for this character or that character who maybe might be like me, but are rarely confirmed and are almost always The Different One?  Do you know what kind of value it has to me that it’s not just one or two of them, but that THE CULTURE ITSELF is where I would fit in?  That they built an entire society where nearly all of them seem to be Like Me? AN ENTIRE SOCIETY OF PEOPLE I WOULD FIT IN WITH? Which isn’t even getting into the worldbuilding specifics that are so much fun to play with--like, can you imagine what it would be like to have this psychic connection to this vast field of energy in the cosmos?  To be able to sense the feelings of others around you, to feel their presence even when they’re halfway across the galaxy, to just know what they’re feeling?  To be constantly surrounded by the lights of those souls that are gently nudging up against your own?  The warmth and peace of the Jedi Temple that isn’t just what you see/hear/touch, but also what permeates your very thoughts, the soothing balm on your soul that it would be? Can you imagine what it would be like to have this in your head all the time?

A familiar sense of warmth, of belonging, of finding himself part of an endless lattice of connections that held him and everything else, each fixed in its proper place.  A Force. Romance and sex can be wonderful.  But they are not the sole defining qualities of what it means to be sentient or what it means to be fulfilled.  The Force being described as an endless lattice of connections and warmth, that sounds incredibly wonderful and human to me, that sounds incredibly fulfilling and like everything I could possibly want. That is what the Jedi seek and have found.  That is the foundation of their culture.  That is the culmination of their lives. This is why their relationships are so wonderful and I’m so glad that the iconic Jedi relationships, whether we as fans turn towards shipping them or not, whether we joke about how much you can read into them or not, are ones that are all about other aspects that are just as epic and important. Obi-Wan’s most iconic relationships are with Luke, Anakin, Qui-Gon, Ahsoka.  They’re all incredible ones and it’s not to disparage his feelings for Satine (I love them as a pairing, too!), but that his character is defined more by familial and platonic relationships being just as galaxy-shaking as romantic ones might have been in another story?  That means a lot to me. Anakin is, of course, driven by his romantic relationship with Padme, but think about how important his relationships with Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are, ones that don’t have to be seen through the lens of romance.  That the ultimate climax of the prequels was Anakin’s fight with Obi-Wan, a familial connection.  That the ultimate climax of TCW was about Ahsoka’s relationship with Anakin, another familial/platonic connection. Ahsoka is a rising star in the SW franchise and her most iconic connections are with Anakin and Rex, both of which do not have to be interpreted through the romantic/sexual lens, that are complete just as they are presented.  That even when she can no longer be a Jedi, even when that possibility is stolen from her, she still doesn’t need to be defined through romance or sex. Yoda has many important, iconic relationships and is such a central character to the mythos and mythology of Star Wars.  His relationship with Luke is one of the most foundational of the OT, his relationship with Obi-Wan is important when you dig further into the supplementary material, his relationship with Anakin creates some of the most memorable scenes of the prequels.  All without ever having him desire a girlfriend.  Hell, the movies had Yaddle right there and you know what?  She wasn’t Yoda’s girlfriend, he wasn’t her boyfriend, that’s not what they were to each other, because they didn’t really seem to have any desire for that. THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE THE JEDI.  They show compassion and care and love all over the place, but they do it through George Lucas’ views on how people should strive to be, and they do it not through romance, but through friendship and helping others and seeking greater understanding of self-knowledge and artistry through the Force, and none of that should ever make them lesser, just as aromantic and asexual people seeking those same things does not make them lesser. We are people who love just as much as anyone else, we have fulfilling and wonderful lives, I don’t know any aro/ace person who would really even want to change themselves, we find ourselves to be perfectly fantastic the way we are.  I don’t feel some part of me is missing, I don’t feel I’m less interesting because I’m aro/ace, I love being the way I am.  I love how much my friends and family mean to me, I love how much joy I get out of caring for animals or helping other people or even simply yelling about Star Wars with them.  My connections to people are just as wonderful as anyone else’s, regardless of how they’re not in the romantic/sexual category. And, so too are the Jedi.

[anakin-danvers]

to love again

not my gif!

Anakin Skywalker x Jedi!reader

reader is fem!

Request: “I loved them more than anything in this world, and they’re dead because of me.” With Anakin Skywalker please? Your last one was *chefs kiss*

Word count: ~2.8k

Warnings: mentions of death, angst, crying, feelings of guilt. 

A/N: Sorry for the delay my dear anon! I got busy with summer classes, but I wanted to get it out by today as a little birthday present for myself (wooo happy birthday to me!). I’m glad you enjoyed the last one, and I hope you enjoy this one! As always, please let me know what you all think, your comments always make me so happy! Also, requests are open :)

—

Keep breathing. Empty your mind. Just focus on the feeling of the Force within you, around you...just breathe. In, out, in again, out again....is that...is someone walking outside?

You open your left eye. Your right eye follows suit, your concentration broken. A sigh escapes your mouth, and you give up on your futile efforts of meditating. Uncrossing your legs, you get up from the floor of your quarters. It’s late and you should be sleeping. But you aren’t. You can’t. 

Every moment your eyes close, you see them. Their faces, their fear. 

You shake your head, trying in a way to shake the thoughts from your mind. Don’t think about it. The more you think about it, the harder it is. 

The cool floor press against your feet as you walk over to the washroom. There, you turn on the faucet, putting your hands under the running water and bringing it onto your face in an attempt to clear your mind. You dry off and make your way back to your bed, sitting on the edge and taking a look at the room before you. 

As a Jedi, you were taught not to have possessions, to live a simple life, and your quarters reflected that. The room was filled with the minimum, only little parts of it showing your personality. The bags of your favorite Naboo tea by the small kitchen. Your saber on its place in the table next to your bed. Some nice rocks you had kept from your missions to distant planets. Your favorite cup gifted to you by your former master during your padawan days. The colorful, handmade blanket on your bed–

The blanket they had given you. 

You shake your head again, a useless attempt to stop the images of the destruction, of their faces, from filling your mind once again. Defeat washes over you as the realization that you won’t be sleeping anytime soon becomes clear. So instead of wasting your time trying to sleep, you slip on your night slippers, put on your usual Jedi robe, and make your way out of your quarters. You decide to leave your saber behind, this being one of the rare moments you can actually leave it behind. 

The halls of the Jedi temple are quiet. It seems everyone else is doing what you can’t: sleep. You make your way down the halls with light steps to avoid making any noise. Your feet lead you to a nearby balcony, where you hope you’ll be able to clear your mind while surrounded by the night. 

As you approach the balcony, you realize you were wrong in assuming everyone in the temple was asleep. No, you are not the only one awake. Standing there, looking up at the night sky as you’d planned on doing is no other than Anakin Skywalker. 

Your feet stop. The point of leaving your quarters was to have some time to clear your head. Could you do that with someone present?

It doesn’t hurt to try. You two could just stand there in silence. Plus, the next balcony is on the other side of the floor you are on. 

With your mind made up, you continue to walk towards the balcony, hoping to not interrupt Anakin who seems to be lost in his own train of thought. 

As you reach the opening of the balcony, Anakin turns, a curious look on his face. You smile at him, your hand coming up to give a small wave. 

“Hi Anakin. I don’t mean to intrude, I just need some air,” you say. He nods and you make your way to the other side of the balcony, putting a good amount of distance between you two to try to give him his space. 

You know Anakin as well as you know most of your Jedi colleagues, at a distance and mostly formal. The interactions between you two have been limited thus far, mainly consisting of greetings around the temple with the occasional meeting on the battlefield. However, you’ve always wanted to get to know him. Your longing to know him better soon developed into something more, something that causes you to go red in the face whenever your interactions are more than just your routine greetings. But you try to suppress the feelings; Jedi are not allowed to have attachments. 

Attachments. Funny how you know you’re not supposed to have them, yet you do. Or at least, you did. 

You close your eyes as you take a deep breath to try to calm the emotions threatening to come back to you. The night breeze grazes your face, calming you more than your quarters had. You open your eyes, looking down at the bustling city of Coruscant below you. 

“You’d think that for a city that’s so loud, nobody would be able to sleep.”

You turn to look at Anakin, where you find him looking at you, his body facing you. His face is easier to see now, and you see how tired he looks, the lack of sleep evident on his face. 

“I guess nobody can blame us for being up, then,” you say. 

The corner of Anakin’s mouth lifts up slightly, and he looks down at his hands. You take that as a sign that he’s done talking, so you move to face the night sky again. 

“Do you mind if I join you?”

You find yourself looking at him again, and he looks almost sheepish as he waits for your response. You nod, your lips tugging up to a smile of reassurance. He makes his way to stand next to you, the heat creeping its way up your face clashing with the coolness of the breeze. Soon, he’s standing next to you, not too close to invade your personal space, but close enough that it was clear you two are here together. 

“I would ask you if you’re having trouble sleeping, but I think we’ve covered that already.”

“Yeah,” you say, a small sigh escaping your lips. “It’s been a rough few nights.”

“I understand. I’m going through a rough patch myself,” Anakin says, his voice growing quieter towards the end. 

“Well, I’m sure we are both out here to clear our minds, so we should try to do that.” You turn to face him, a sudden sense of confidence running through you. You ignore the way your stomach feels as Anakin turns to face you better, the ghost of a smile playing in his lips. 

“If you have any ideas on how to achieve that, I’m all ears.”

Your eyes look at the city below you, thinking of how you two can clear your troubled minds. With the feeling of Anakin’s eyes on you, your eyes dance around the different city structures, the speeders, the life around you. Then it hits you. 

“I know what we can do.” You don’t realize how excited you sound until you see one of Anakin’s eyebrows rising, the ghost of a smile manifesting itself into the real thing. 

“We’re surrounded by so much life right now. We can clear our minds by living through them in a way, imagining what their lives might be like.” At Anakin’s continued gaze on you, your confidence begins to shake a bit. “If-if you like, of course. If not, we can just enjoy the night in silence—“ You stop the beginning of your rambling as Anakin shakes his head.

“No, no, I like your idea. Living through them.” 

And so you begin to imagine the lives of the beings all around you. You take turns in the beginning, each thinking of a name for the driver of a speeder that passes by. Soon, you are both coming up with life stories together, adding unnecessary details that bring smiles and laughs to you both. 

“He owns a loth-cat named Obi? You can be a bit more creative with your names, Anakin.” At your words, the Jedi shakes with laughter, a fully-rounded laugh that lights a warm feeling in your chest. 

“What can I say? I admire my Master very much.”

Now it’s your turn to laugh. Your hand flies to cover your mouth, the sudden laugh surprising you. It seems to surprise Anakin as well. 

“Is that so hard to believe?”

“No, it’s not that,” you rush to say while also trying to regain your breath from your laughter. “It’s just, you two always seem to bicker when together.”

A fond smile appears on Anakin’s face. “I guess it’s just the relationship we have. He’s almost like a brother to me.”

The honesty in his voice makes your laughter disappear. Instead, you find yourself smiling as well. You can see it, to be honest. Obi-Wan’s padawan years were cut short at the sudden death of his master Qui-Gon Jinn, so taking Anakin as his padawan right away meant they had to grow up together. 

“I can tell he feels the same about you.” Your words cause him to look timid for a second, his smile shy on his face. He looks at the city below him again, his face growing slightly more serious. 

“You know, for how much we’ve been told that emotions should be kept at bay, I believe my emotions are what have made me the Jedi I am today. Attachments...I know we’re supposed to reject them, but who would I be today if I did?” He shakes his head, his hands coming up to cover his face. 

He seems so vulnerable like this. It’s something you didn’t expect to be seeing when you decided to leave your quarters earlier. But here you are, and you feel almost honored that he’s showing this side of himself to you. 

“I understand, Anakin,” you say, placing a hand lightly on his arm. And maybe it’s the way the lights contrast with the night sky, or the lack of sleep you’ve had the past few days, or the way your heart seems to clench at the sight of Anakin before you, but something prompts you to keep speaking. “I...I’ve loved before.”

It was the first time you called it that. Love. You always knew that’s what you felt for them, but you were always too afraid to face the truth. Your confession makes Anakin turn to look at you. His face looks troubled but somewhat hopeful. 

“You have?” he asks, his voice just above a whisper. 

You nod, not being able to form the simple ‘yes’ you wanted to. The beating of your heart quickens as the images of their faces come to your mind once more. 

“I reconnected with family some time ago while on a mission.” It’s you who’s vulnerable now, your palms growing sweaty as you want to both stay quiet and spill everything you’ve been burying inside for the past weeks. Anakin catches on to your hesitation, moving so that he’s fully facing you, giving you his attention. 

“The mission took us to Tora, a small planet on the outer rim. It’s usually uncharted, so small that some consider it insignificant. It’s where I’m from originally. 

I was there with Master Plo Koon and the 104th. Commander Wolffe was talking to two locals, when one of them recognized me. Wolffe called me over; it turns out the woman who recognized me was my mother’s childhood friend. That’s how she knew who I was, she said I look just like my mother. Her and her husband knew my mother and father well, and they knew me. They were there when Master Windu found me all those years ago, and they were there when my parents sent me with Master Windu here to the Jedi Order. 

That night, I found my way to their home. There was this part of me that needed to know. About my parents. About what my life would’ve been if I hadn’t been Force sensitive. They indulged me in answering all my questions. They informed me that my parents had passed, my mother of an illness, my father of a machinery accident in his place of work. They comforted me as I cried.” 

At the memory, your voice wavers. You hadn’t expected the news of your parents to affect you, your memories of them distant. But it had, and they were there to comfort you through it all. 

Anakin takes hold of one of your hands, giving it a comforting squeeze. You look at him and he gives you a comforting smile, prompting you to continue. 

“We formed a bond that night. I visited any chance I could while on the mission. Even afterwards, I’d visit Tora whenever I found myself near. I was always welcome with open arms by them.  They’d have food waiting for me, and in one visit I found they’d made a blanket for me so that I could rest in between my missions.” You smile, they’re words replaying in your mind. 

“And I loved them. I know Jedi are not supposed to form attachments, are not supposed to love, but I loved them. I loved them more than anything in this world, and they’re dead because of me.”

They’d been among the casualties of a Separatist attack. The Separatists had wanted to take control of the region, thinking its lack of popularity would make for a great place to hide developments of any battle tactics against the Republic. 

Confusion falls on Anakin’s face, quickly followed by understanding. He shakes his head, his hands moving to hold your arms. 

“You can’t blame yourself, Y/N,” he says right as a few of the tears you’d been holding back make their way down your face. His hand comes up to wipe them away, the warmth of it bringing comfort to your broken heart. 

“I could have saved them, Anakin. I could have arrived sooner.”  More tears fall down your cheeks and Anakin continues to wipe them away. “I had to take their bodies out of the rubble. I keep seeing the look on their faces. The fear that was still there.”

Anakin’s arms come around you, bringing you to his chest. The embrace breaks your wall, the tears flowing freely now. His gloved hand comes up to lightly rub the back of your head. He doesn’t try to stop your crying, no, he lets you cry, lets you unbury all the emotions that have been eating at you from inside. 

Your crying slows enough that he pulls slightly back. He once again goes to wipe away the tears left on your face. 

“It’s hard, Y/N, I know. But you cannot blame yourself. You just can’t. It won’t let you sleep, it won’t let you eat, it won’t let you live. You need to be strong, for them, for their memory.” 

You nod, his words doing more for you than the sleepless nights wandering around the temple ever had. 

“Thank you for this, Anakin. I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you, it’s just been eating at me for longer than I would like to admit.”

The look of understanding returns to his face. “I get that. I lost someone very close, someone I loved, some time back. I too blamed myself, admittedly I still do. I’m working on not doing that anymore. There’s some nights I’m less successful than others, such as tonight.”

Realization hits you. The both of you had loved. And the both of you had lost those you loved. Now you two are working on it, but not alone. Not anymore. You are finding comfort, finding support in one another. 

“Anakin, I...” you stop talking, knowing there’s no words that can express what you want to convey to him. So instead you embrace him this time, your arms enveloping his waist as your face connects with his chest. He doesn’t hesitate on returning your hug, his arms circling you and his face burying itself in your shoulder. You hug him tighter, hoping you can express to him everything he needs to feel the support he’s giving you this night. 

After a few moments, the two of you pull back. 

“I cannot thank you enough for this, Anakin,” you say. He once again shakes his head, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. 

“If you need to thank anyone, thank the stars for having us walk onto the same balcony tonight.”

The warmth in your chest is sparked again, spreading until you feel warm all around. Not an uncomfortable warmth, but rather a warmth that makes you feel alive. 

You smile, a genuine smile that is mirrored on Anakin’s face. “Well then thank the stars.”

You look at one another for a bit, your smiles unfaltering, before Anakin speaks again. 

“Come now. I’ll walk you to your quarters. I think we will both be getting some much needed sleep,” Anakin says. You nod again, following him as he begins to move towards the temple. 

And as you walk side by side down the hallway to your quarters, both of your smiles still on each other’s faces, you believe that maybe, just maybe, you can love again.

[starwarsaddiction]

Learning the Force

First night in Corusant

You can read it here too. 

The cerimony of Obi-Wan Knighthood and the first night on Corusant, for the first time after Qui-Gon Jinn death.

Naboo, after Qui-Gon Jinn funeral, in a secluded chamber, with the High Council and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

“You have passed all the trials, fighting with the Sith that killed your master, Obi-Wan.” said Mace, the small ritual knife in hand, watching him and with a hand on his shoulder. All the council had seen the recordings from the security cams more times, watching the duel from the start to its painful end, and asked so many details to Obi-Wan that he had to review the memory as much as he could bare. It was just because he could feel the warmth of their affection and comprehension that he could stand the questions and the rewatching, and he knew that they were terrified as he was, knowing that the Sith were back, even if one was already defeated. A fearful legend came out of the darkness and became a terrifying reality, the day he killed the Sith Lord, and the life of Qui-Gon Jinn was a great loss for all of them, even if he didn't always agree with the High Council. He was a friend and an honored master for many of them, anyway. “You're the first jedi to kill a sith, and he did kill your master before your very eyes, but that's not the only consideration we've made. You kept your mind calm and focused, even in the face of the grief and the anger for Master Qui-Gon death. And when that Sith was in a position of advantage, you were able to collect yourself and find the opportunity to overcome him, reaching into the force, without letting your pain and anger to strain you from the battle. You never let your emotions to guide your actions, never let them lead you to the dark side, and this is the reason we all decided that you're eligible to become a Jedi Knight. This duel will be remembered and will become subject of study for the next generations of jedi, I believe. So no other trials are required to knight you.” Obi-Wan nodded, breathing slowly. The pain in his heart was so deep that he feared he could cry, but he almost could hear his master saying “calm down, focus on the present, feel the force” in his ear. Yoda approached Mace, before he cut the braid, and with a gesture asked for the ritual knife. “To me the dagger give, please...” He said to Mace. “The braid by the master must be cut. Qui-Gon we lost, and his master too... but his master I trained, so your braid I'll be the one to cut, young Obi-Wan.” That was too much for Obi-Wan self control. He kneeled down, to put himself at the same height of Master Yoda, but he couldn't hide his tears anymore. He bow down, let the tears stream his face, and it took a while before he was able to look the old master in the face. He felt his tiny hand on his shoulder, giving a light caress, and his old face was warmly smiling, when Obi-Wan could finally focus on the Grand Master of the Jedi Order. Obi-Wan didn't look around, but he could feel in the Force how many other masters around him were feeling the same grief, and if he had watched, he could have seen many of them whipe tears from their faces. He bowed to Yoda, and he cut the braid, keeping it in his small hand. “Welcome to the Jedi Order, Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi.” said, putting the braid in the hand of Obi-Wan. “Rise, please. May the Force be with you, always.”

Anakin was not allowed to the ceremony, because he wasn't still accepted in the Jedi Order, and he waited for him in their room, feeling small and a bit lost, until he was called to be finally welcomed in the Order. His hair was cut and a little braid was made behind his ear. He wore for the first time the clothes that were distinctive of his new found status of padawan apprentice, and finally joined Obi-Wan again, just before the great ceremony for the victory against the Separatists in the central street of Theed, on Naboo. “They cut your braid. Obi-Wan...” “Yes... I'm no longer a padawan. I couldn't be anymore, I'm your Master, now.” he smiled. Anakin felt his sadness, he could have told how sad he was even if they weren't both force sensitive. His eyes were still sad and weary, as if he had just cried his eyes out, and his smile surely was not as wide as the first time they met. Anakin feared that Obi-Wan could blame him for his master death and the weight of taking him as padawan, but all he could feel from Obi-Wan was his warmth and gentleness. There was something deeply reassuring in his face, and Anakin could only hope that they would discover each other and became at least friends, soon enough. But they had no time to talk properly until they finally went to Corusant, the great capital of the Galactic Republic, and home of the Jedi Order.

Corusant, Jedi Temple.

The Temple never felt so huge and empty, thought Obi-Wan, stepping in the great entrance for the first time after the return from Naboo. He had a small quarter of his own, and Qui-Gon Jinn apartment was already emptied and reassigned, so he asked, before arriving, to have another apartment, bigger and with another bedroom, to live in with Anakin. Obi-Wan surely didn't want to leave the boy in the dormitory, alone with all the other kids, that could only be a bunch of curious strangers, to him. He could feel clearly the kid's fear for all the new things to come and even if he didn't feel the loss of Qui-Gon as strongly and deeply hurting as it was for Obi-Wan, he was surely stunned by the fast events that occurred in such few days. The first evening, they found themselves in this new quarter, a small kitchen and living room, and two twin bedrooms. The bed in Anakin's room was softer and bigger than he ever had, but the whole place felt cold and faceless, to the boy. “It's all new, Anakin... we'll start from here, and it'll become cozier, I promise.” Obi-Wan said, taking all the blankets he could find in his arms and sorting them in two piles. He took the bigger one and brought it in Anakin's room, preparing the bed. “It's winter here on Coruscant, and I figure you could be cold, at night. if you need more blankets, just ask, we'll have them brought by service droids, in any moment, even during the night.” He went on explaining the heating system and all the equipement that he thought Anakin hadn't in his Tatooine home, trying to make him feel welcomed and safe, he ordered something to eat from the communal kitchen and they had a small dinner in the kitchen, trying to get used to each other. The boy followed him silently, nodding, not daring to interrupt him, fearing to be of nuisance. After dinner they cleaned together, but Obi-Wan felt his hesitation, and stopped. “Don't worry, if there is something you want to know, or to say, anything, you just tell me, ok?” Anakin hesitated, shifting on his feets. “Are you... happy that I'm here...” said, but he bit his lips, knowing they were the wrong words, but unable to find the right ones. “well, maybe not happy... but do you...” he stopped, biting his lower lip. Obi- Wan sat down, and patted the couch beside him to invite Anakin to sit down as well. He breathed deeply before answering. “I would never imagine all of this, surely... but I have always thought about becoming a Knight and taking a Padawan myself, as my master before me. I was preparing for the trials, Qui-Gon was sure I was ready... It was a fast change, and yes, Anakin, I'm scared and surprised too.” he smiled, taking the kids hands in his. Anakin's were cold and small, and he held them between his, warming them. “But I'm happy that I can share all the things that Qui-Gon has taught me with you. He was an incredible master, and I hope I'll be able to be a good master for you. I know that we don't know each other, but we will learn. You'll learn from me and I from you. Don't be scared, we're here together.” “How do you know how I feel? How seems that everybody knows how I feel?” Asked Anakin, wording his discomfort for being so easily readable for the first time in his life. “Because we're jedi, like you. We've learned to see through each other. Try, you can too. Look at me.” he smiled to the kid, “look into my eyes... and breathe with me. Feel my hands, and feel the Force. It's like... a deep sensation in your belly. It's like a door opening to a larger hall, a presence wider than you. I'm there, in that open space that is the Force itself. Just let it flow through you, like your breath.” he said, in a voice that became calmer and slower, while everything around them became far and silent. Anakin obeyed, synchronizing his breath with Obi-Wan, focusing on his face, his eyes bright and gentle, his voice so soothing and calm. He let his breath become slower, his mind calmed down and the familiar sense of the surrounding that had always filled his conscience became less cluttered, less noisy, cleared for the fist time, and in his physical sensation he finally felt the sensation that Obi-Wan mentioned. It was like a switch, something opened in his body, and something larger made his way in his belly. He could feel the presence of Obi-Wan in a way he never felt anyone else, it was not only in front of him, he was inside him, a presence in his mind. He could sense the feelings of the man in front of him, the grief for his master deep down, the doubts for their future, but all this was just a small part of Obi-Wan, like details in a greater landscape. He felt a great calm, and compassion, and a sense of affection that reminded him of his mother, Shmi, far away on Tatooine. Obi-Wan was way more centered and collected that Anakin, and even if his emotion were similar to his own, he felt something that made him desire even more to become a Jedi. It was like being in the presence of a powerful yet loving being, he could feel the power of the Force running through him, it was like the great strength of a sand tempest, but it wasn't even remotely scary or deadly. It was gentle, compassionate, guided by a strong will and a desire to help, and the ability to do it without harm. And behind his human presence, there was the presence of a greater being, and he understood that it was the Force itself. Obi-Wan opened himself and let Anakin look through him and into the Force, like a door to a brighter light, and Anakin finally found a similar door inside himself, a connection to the Force. It was sentient, compassionate, benevolent and enormous. It talked with a soft voice, and another voice inside Anakin joined it like they wer singing in a choir as wide as the galaxy itself, so wide that left Anakin almost overwhelmed, and it was just because he was still watching the kind face of his new master that he didn't loose himself in that vast energy and could come back to that room, that couch, the feeling of his big, warm hands around his own, small but finally warm hands. This was the first real lesson that he ever received in the Temple, the first time he learned to willingly find the Force in himself, and Anakin never forgot that feeling, and his master force signature was deeply inscripted that time and forever in his mind, so strongly that he could recognize him everywhere. That first time forged their connection so that from that moment on, Anakin could find Obi-Wan anywhere in the temple, without any comlink, he just knew where to find him. For the rest of his life, even when Obi-Wan was unaware of this, he could sense his master further than it was usual for padawans, and he never forgot that sensation. He looked into the heart of Obi-Wan and thought “this is a man I can follow, this is a man I can call my master.”

Years after, The Death Star.

Even when he was encaged in his armor and crippled, a small part of Anakin remembered the warm, loving and calm presence that Obi-Wan was in his mind, from that time in their first shared apartment, to the day that he sensed him on the Death Star, for the last time. It was only when he cut through his cloak, only to watch him disappear into thin air, that the presence of Obi-Wan Kenobi was completely erased from his conscience, and he felt ever more alone than his entire life

[jasontoddiefor]

As Lightning to the Children Eased Chapter 5

In which we are still not back on Naboo but Anakin has a Force-breakdown! Read on AO3!

Padmé hadn’t been sure what to expect of their Jedi protectors when she had first met them. They had certainly protected them well against the invading droids, but they had still come too late. Her planet had been invaded, her people hurt, beaten, and forced to endure whatever cruelties she didn’t even dare imagine.

And all of that because the Jedi had been too late and hadn’t been able to talk to the Trade Federation.

For the first few minutes, adrenaline rushing through her veins, fear clinging to her heels and guilt squeezing her throat shut, Padmé had been angry like a child. She had been so incredibly frustrated at them and her own helplessness, even though intellectually she knew very well that it was not the Jedi’s fault that Naboo’s situation had come so far. If anything, she should be glad the Jedi had come at all.

Without their aid, Padmé would likely be rotting away in a cell now, or perhaps even be tortured, or be forced to watch her best friends be hurt just so that the Trade Federation would gain whatever advantage they were aiming for.

For the first time since she had been made Queen, Padmé truly doubted her chosen path. She wondered if any of the other candidates would have done better than her, but when she looked at Eirtaé she only saw the same worries staring back at her. In that split second Padmé was glad that it was Sabé acting as the Queen and that she as Padmé, the Handmaiden, could allow herself a moment of weakness where she didn’t have to hide her emotions.

It had been easier to be Queen when she was a mere representative of the government and not its whole body. The emergency laws now in power gave Padmé much more power than she should carry. They had been created when entertaining the possibility of an invasion, not because they had actually thought it would come this far.

Naboo was a part of the Republic – what use was the Republic if it could not protect its own?

She was bitter and exhausted and she wanted to go home. Not back to the suit in the palace, she wanted to go home to her family. She wanted to hug her parents and play games with her sister and leave this all behind and for once let somebody with more experience deal with it.

Unfortunately, this was not meant to be.

And whatever she had hoped to achieve in the Senate had also crumbled to dust with the Trade Federation once more speaking out against her. Bastards that they were, Padmé wanted to take out her hairpin and stab it right into the representative’s chest, see how he liked it when his heart broke as his people suffered and starved.

“Do you think going back is really the wisest option?” Sabé asked her as they got dressed. Padmé became the handmaiden once more as Sabé took on the appearance of Queen Amidala. It was really been a miracle and a blessing to have Sabé at her side. The Naboo were skilled in hiding their faces and their intentions, but Sabé and her had a special connection, or so it felt at times.

They were closer than sisters. Padmé would even go as far as to call them soulmates, two halves of the same mask.

“I’m not sure,” Padmé replied. She ought to be lying, to be reassuring her friends, but they would all just see through it. They had been taught to read her entire mind by the curl of her painted lips. “But what other option do we have?”

“Think the Jedi will come with us again?” Eirtaé asked. “They were useful, even little Ani.”

Rabé snorted out loud and tugged her hair beneath her hood.

“'Can I fly the ship? Do you know what planets are in this system? Have you ever had Alderaani pudding?’” Rabé’s voice was a little high pitched as she tried to copy the voice of the boy. “’Do you know what makes a star collapse?’”

They all sobered up at that last question.

Anakin had truly chattered endlessly during the whole trip, seemingly untouched by the events that had taken place around him. While his sunny demeanor had been nerve-wracking at first, Padmé had come to enjoy it. It was nice to focus on something that wasn’t politics for just a few hours at a time. Besides, Anakin had been so sure that they would manage to save her people. He had looked so serious as he had said it then, as if it was a fact already. Something about that had just made her want to believe him.

Truth be told, Padmé hadn’t thought that Anakin was old enough to be accompanying them, he was so young for such an undertaking. The Naboo were known for getting their children involved in politics at an age most systems wouldn’t even consider doing such, but he had still looked so much younger than them. Nevertheless, Master Kenobi and Jinn had treated him as their full mission partner.

But who was Padmé to judge the Jedi for their practices, especially after they had helped them so?

“I don’t know, but it doesn’t hurt to ask,” Padmé replied. “And Sabé never did get to share her famed pear pie recipe with him.”

“Oh, don’t remind me!” Sabé groaned. “I’d kill for one of those now!”

The group of girls descended into blissful laughter, the death threats hanging over their heads fading into the background.

X

Anakin was distracted, Qui-Gon was exhausted and Obi-Wan had to prove to the Council that he was a capable Master and that this mission had gone as well as it could have. From the way the other Jedi Masters were staring at them, he got the vague impression that he was not being as convincing as he could have been.

“-and that was when we landed here,” Obi-Wan finished his statement. “Anakin has proven himself capable and followed my directives exceptionally well.”

The slight joke hit its mark as it did make many Masters smile, if not outright grin. It was well-known that Anakin Skywalker was a little stubborn and all too willing to do things his own way if he thought he knew better. Oftentimes, that ended in utter chaos, for all that Anakin had the knowledge of the entire galaxy stored in his head somewhere, he was still a nine-year-old boy and kids his aged tripped and fell.

It was Obi-Wan’s job to ensure he would also get up again.

“The Queen wants to return to her planet,” Qui-Gon added after he’d been silent throughout the entire briefing.

Obi-Wan barely managed to hide a wince. He had taken over leading their mission briefings a couple of years ago, preparing for his Knighting. Qui-Gon only really spoke up to add to it or, in the cases that had them all stuck up here for hours, to argue about whatever conclusion he had reached and attempt to convince everyone of his opinion. In that way, he was very much Anakin’s grandmaster. “She has called for a vote of no confidence after her Senator’s urging.”

And that move was more than just a little shady. Destabilizing the Republic leadership now was not exactly the smartest move, but Obi-Wan was not a politician and chances were that whatever upheaval would come, it wasn’t going to do much to the Jedi Order. The Senate leadership had become stagnant over the years and their relationship with the Order hadn’t changed much. With every changing terms, the Order maybe got some more requests from Senators that were usually talked over as everybody else was busy gearing up for a campaign. Involving Jedi in your political campaign was always a risky move as public opinion of the Jedi tended to vary a lot. It was a safer bet to keep them out of politics.

“They have requested that we accompany them again,” Qui-Gon finished.

“A wise course of action you think this is?” Master Yoda asked. “Tired Padawan Skywalker is.”

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan both looked down at Anakin. He was exhausted, yes, reaching to somewhere far away, zoned out right up until Yoda addressed him.

“I need to go,” Anakin insisted, back straight. “It’s important.”

Obi-Wan actually wouldn’t mind handing the mission off to another pair of perhaps a more experienced Knights, but he knew that expression on Anakin’s face better than anybody else. He was determined to see this through and there was no telling what he’d do if he wouldn’t return to Naboo. Perhaps sneak onto the ship of the ones who would go.

“Are you sure?” Obi-Wan asked.

Anakin nodded, his sun-kissed face oddly pale. “Something’s coming. I need to be there.”

His tone of voice was ominous, his words dripped from his lips like a poisonous prophecy. The Force called and Obi-Wan heard its echo.

And with that their decision was settled.

X

They made a small stop at the crèche to greet Ahsoka. The excited youngling lit up as soon as she saw them and excused herself in only a short few words before she rushed into Anakin’s waiting arms. From there she quickly climbed upon Obi-Wan’s back and let herself be carried throughout the temple. They didn’t have much time here, not for more for a meal which they had to eat in the cafeteria as Shmi was apparently not in the temple.

“Where is Shmi Skywalker?” Qui-Gon asked the nearest Jedi, a Nautolan Master only a few years younger than himself, as he got something to eat for himself.

“Padawan Skywalker you mean?” the Knight asked, their eyes twinkling with amusement.

Qui-Gon stopped shoveling fruit salad onto his tray. “Padawan?”

The other Jedi Master grinned. “Oh, yes. Haven’t you wondered why Yaddle didn’t attend the Council meeting? She decided to take on Shmi as her Padawan. It was the most brilliant thing.”

Obi-Wan turned to Anakin, who had been caught up in a silent conversation with Ahsoka, miles and two realities away from where they were. “Did you know?”

Anakin tilted his head at the question and closed his eyes for a brief moment, concentrating. When he opened his eyes again, they were a kaleidoscope of colors, a thousand worlds within his sight.

“Yes,” he said his teeth just an edge too sharp in Obi-Wan’s vision. “The kyber’s whispering to her now. She’s going to bring the cleansing fires.” Anakin’s eyes faded to their usual blue color, though the flicker of sunlight didn’t leave them as he reached for Ahsoka’s hands, holding them tight. “It’s not going to like it.”

“It? Who?”

But Anakin stayed silent.

X

After their meal, Qui-Gon got the notification that the Queen’s departure was delayed and so they had another two hours to relax. As expected, Qui-Gon was dragged back to the Skywalker’s rooms where Anakin and Obi-Wan repacked for their mission. Qui-Gon spent that time napping on the Skywalker’s sofa with little Ahsoka sitting on his stomach, rambling about what she had been up to since they had left the temple. Qui-Gon was fairly sure that when he had been her age, his teachers hadn’t let him even touch a training saber, but the child described in detail how much fun she had had training with one. Saying goodbye to her again hurt a little and silently Qui-Gon vowed not to abandon his lineage or active mission duty until he got to see Ahsoka fight and grow into the terror she was bound to be.

They took a speeder to the hangers of the Senatorial suits where the Queen’s party was already waiting for them. Qui-Gon was glad to see that all the girls were accounted for and visibly perked up when they spotted the Jedi approach them.

“Master Jinn, Master Kenobi, Padawan Skywalker,“ one of the Handmaidens greeted them formally. “We are glad you’ve decided to return to Naboo for us.”

“Of course,” Qui-Gon retorted. “That’s what we are here for.”

“Still,” she replied. “The Queen is aware that you are doing more than we can ask of you three.”

Qui-Gon inclined his head and opened his mouth to speak when suddenly the world shifted-

Pain ripped through him, through the Force, sharp as a lightning strike. A sudden nausea overtook him and Qui-Gon felt as lost as he never had before, not even after Thal’s death. He thought he was drowning, lost in a storm, suffocating endlessly. Something was pulling him into the dark depths of an endless ocean. The void engulfed him and no light from the surface fell into his eyes, leaving him not just blind, but deprived of all sensations. Ice froze his flesh, broke it to pieces, chipped away more and more of himself until only his very soul was left and even then, sharp claws dug into him, pressed intensely into his mind like needles. His consciousness began to bleed, red drops of innocent compassion dropping to the floor like raindrops, becoming muddled with darkness and dirt on the ground.

He vaguely registered Obi-Wan next to him, Anakin too, his shields frayed and bleeding out like a body on a surgical table. Qui-Gon could feel Obi-Wan reaching out, tugging at his own light and crafting bandages out of them, helplessly wrapping them around Anakin’s very being in hopes of mending the never-ending number of cuts. Where he succeeded, the shields that had always been a little like mirrors, transparent glass reflecting your self in the Force, became durasteel walls of protection, cutting Anakin off so rashly that Qui-Gon was caught off balance. Anakin’s presence in the Force was near unbearable when they had first met him, but his absence was even worse, leaving Qui-Gon a starving man in the desert. On unsteady feet, Qui-Gon stumbled after Obi-Wan and Anakin, whom he thought to see running into the ship, fleeing from the monster they had uncovered.

“Master Jedi?” He thought he heard the Handmaiden ask.

He wanted to reply, and perhaps the words ‘security check’ did leave his mouth, but he couldn’t be too sure, caught in this cruel spiderweb where every move only entangled him more, a prey ready for slaughter. He just walked forwards, hand pressed to his mind, clinging to the cool walls of the hsip, trying to stitch together what had been ripped wide open.

When he came to, he found himself rushing towards the fresher.

Obi-Wan sat there in the small room, looking so much like the boy he had taken as his Padawan in the aftermath of a terrifying trial he shouldn’t have had to go through in the first place. Qui-Gon had been so blind then and now he found himself struck with the same blindness, except the image that was starting to unravel was even worse.

Obi-Wan had collapsed against the wall and Anakin was half in his lap, clammy fingers holding onto Obi-Wan’s robes while his head was lowered above the toilet, vomiting up the few greens he had eaten for their last meal. His whole body seemed to twitch unnaturally like there was something hidden beneath his skin which was even paler than before. Anakin appeared like a ghost only inhabiting this shell for as long as it served its purpose, something much too grand pressed into this small body and rebelling against its constraints. Anakin kept throwing up until only acid burned his throat. He cried, tears running over his cheeks as the cold got closer and closer, so much that Qui-Gon expected to see his own breath as a hazy fog.

“Sssh,” Obi-Wan tried to calm his Padawan, his own eyes bloodshot, the afterimage of a night terror. “All is well, I’m here, we’re warm, we’re safe, all is well, I’m here…”

His ramblings were almost meditative, repetitive, drawing the same pattern, guiding Anakin towards steady breaths as much as they grounded Qui-Gon.

It took another few minutes, or perhaps hours, time slipped away as easily as the light of stars already dead thousands of years, Anakin managed to calm down. He was still a shivering mess in Obi-Wan’s arms, but he was no longer vomiting up his guts or crying uncontrollably.

“What-“ Qui-Gon couldn’t speak. He didn’t know how to describe it, this pain, this agony, the-

Poison, darkness, decay, tor, burn it, BURN IT, IT IS KILLING ME, US, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF MY CHILDREN-

“There was nothing,” Anakin mumbled his soft voice a contrast to the screeching in Qui-Gon’s heart. “It was nothing, just the absence, the end of space and of time and of life and he will deplete us of everything and there will be darkness and there will be no death, there will be nothing!”

Anakin’S voice grew more frantic, louder until Qui-Gon wasn’t sure if Anakin was truly speaking anymore or just carving his words into Qui-Gon’s mind.

“It’s infecting us, I’m sick, sick, bilious, and all that bubbles up my throat are decaying orbits. It’s devouring my flesh and I will leave and the fractures and bigger and bigger and it’s ripping me apart and I can see my heart beating!”

At this Anakin began to curl into himself, placing his hands on his heart. His eyes were glassy, seeing a world Qui-Gon couldn’t perceive and he couldn’t shake this double vision off. “It’s awful, take it away Obi-Wan, I don’t want to be here, I want to go, I want to go, it’s hurting me, I don’t want to be bound anymore, help me, Obi-Wan, please-!“

Anakin began to cry again, scratching at his own skin, deeper and deeper until the scratches turned red.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, his voice in a realm beyond panic. “Anakin, no, no, no, dear one, don’t do this.”

He took Anakin’s hands in his own, so he would stop harming himself, but Anakin only began trashing, resisting. They needed to sedate him and they needed to do it now.

“Sleep,” Qui-Gon ordered, focusing on Anakin.

He’d always been good with mind tricks.

Slipping into another’s mind, finding cracks where to insert your own thoughts and demands. His Master had been worried about it when Qui-Gon had been young. It was an ability easily misused, an ability that made him quite valuable in the right circles if word got out about it and his Master had been keen to protect him from it.

Qui-Gon would be the last to claim that he didn’t rely on it a little too often, but he was also one of the Jedi often sent into the worst of the worst situations. He had never dared to use it on another Jedi, would never think of using it on Anakin whose mind was an uncomfortable place to reside in even when he was peaceful.

There were certain boundaries in every mind. They shifted ever so slightly in every person depending on what you had experienced, but with Anakin, it was simply as if they had never been there in the first place. Qui-Gon didn’t want to look at what rifts ran through Anakin’s mind because he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t lash out and pull him in and swallow him whole. He’d be entrapped in the universe, in the melting point of a star, the heart of existence and he wouldn’t be able to escape.

But what other choice did he have?

“Obi-Wan,” he said, his Padawan’s name command, prayer, and apology all at once. Obi-Wan was the only one so deeply connected to Anakin that he could bear to stand in his revelation. He understood Anakin as much as anybody ever could, to a degree that was foreign to even Shmi and would likely also never be within Ahsoka’s reach. The bond Anakin had forced upon Obi-Wan when he had been driven more by instinct and need than wisdom and control sang with power.

Qui-Gon begged for the same strength.

There was no gentle way of doing this with Anakin.

Qui-Gon took one last breath of sweet air, then he stepped into the wildness of space. It was freezing, but not the all-consuming cold of before, that took from him until he had nothing left, not even his mind. This was cold of existence, the contrast between the endlessness and points of existence near stars that were just ticking bombs, waiting for their final explosion.

All of this was Anakin and Qui-Gon didn’t know what to reach for.

He followed a path of broken glass, sharp emeralds, kyber, dug into his bare feet, leaving cuts all over. Every step was agonizing, depriving him of his strength and taking more than a century. Around him planets were born and destroyed in the same breath as Qui-Gon moved past them into the tangled cadences of orchestras, strings tugging him in different directions, asking him to follow their tune. His vision swam with colors repainting the world he saw.

And still, despite it all, he carried on. The temptation was sweet, he knew he could be home here, in this place where he had been born and where he would go once he ended.

He was one with the Force and the Force was with him, always.

But Qui-Gon refused that they truly wanted him to remain here. This was like Ilum, the innermost sanctums of the temples he had visited, a trial to prove himself.

And Qui-Gon would not fail this child who needed him.

He pushed through another door and found himself embraced by the most humbling of experiences.

“How cruel they were,” Qui-Gon muttered, gazing upon eternity imprisoned in a mortal mind. “Forcing you into this.”

Anakin wept and tried to tear at the chains pinning him down, keeping him constraint in the body that had been crafted for him. He was a mess of blood, stars, nebulas, stories written in languages that had never been spoken and never would again.

Anakin hadn’t been meant to possess a consciousness, Qui-Gon realized. He hadn’t ever been supposed to exist at all. The Force had pushed a scalpel into itself to carve out something that could eradicate all its other infected wounds, but, as with all self-inflicted injuries, this action too had damaged it.

It was the utmost cruelty, to themself and to the being they had created. This task was too much for one person. The entire galaxy was a bleeding, festering wound and Anakin couldn’t be enough to clean it, never mind do all the stitches to close it afterward.

And here Anakin was now, trashing because he had become aware of the darkness growing right beneath their noses. He was panicking because he had glimpsed upon his purpose in this world and had understood down in his very core that he was lacking despite all the gifts he had already been given.

Anakin cried and cried, and Qui-Gon had to watch as the same gentle feathers he sometimes saw flickering outside his vision on his Padawan’s back were trying to cover Anakin’s many all-seeing eyes, take away that horrible truth he had choked on.

But Obi-Wan, for all that he likely understood more of the Force now than Qui-Gon had up until now, was still so young and not strong enough.

Qui-Gon didn’t know if he would be strong enough, but what kind of Jedi would he be if he didn’t at least try?

“Let me teach you one last thing,” Qui-Gon muttered.

Messing with memories was a delicate task. Qui-Gon had read as much about it as the temple archives had permitted him too. He had been terrified at fifteen that he might overpower his hold on another’s mind and would erase their self completely. That in his demand of obedience the Force had gifted him with, he wouldn’t heed its gentle encouragements and push beyond all reasonable requests.

The Jedi were skilled when it came to the manipulation of ones’ self or mind. Revan came to mind, a Jedi made Sith and forged into Jedi again. It hadn’t been perfect, hadn’t been stable, but this needn’t be either.

It just had to be enough.

Qui-Gon laid one hand on the first chain tying Anakin down and tugged at the Force and the way they bound the world together. He just had to reshape it, turn cold metal into warm blankets, not keeping him chained up, but giving Anakin a place to rest and retreat to. If Anakin forgot that these chains were meant to bind him, then perhaps he would cease struggling against them.

One by one Qui-Gon reworked the chains into sweet comforts and watched as Anakin closed his eyes, returning to a peaceful slumber. The child, so much larger than Qui-Gon in his own mind, impossible to entirely understand his beginnings and endings, didn’t grow any smaller. He nevertheless calmed, stopped struggling so that Qui-Gon had to worry less and less about Anakin accidentally cutting himself at these manipulations.

Only the future would tell how long these would hold him back and grant him peace of mind.

Or if Anakin would ever forgive him for this once he discovered how Qui-Gon had warped his reality just to keep him tied to them a little longer.

“It is done,” Qui-Gon announced, his voice echoing in the small fresher.

His knees buckled under him and he caught himself on the washbasin only in the last second.

Anakin was asleep in Obi-Wan’s arms, dead to the world.

“Is he- is he alright?” Obi-wan asked, clinging to his Padawan as much as Anakin was holding onto him.

Qui-Gon observed the steady rise and fall of Anakin’s chest, then sighed only tiredly. He felt much older than the years he had counted, the millennia within Anakin’s heart not fading away as quickly as he’d like them to.

“He will be,” Qui-Gon promised.

He didn’t know if he was lying, but he knew he was not speaking the truth either.

[lifblogs]

Angstpril 2021: Day 24 - Goodbyes

The Last Goodbye

read on ao3 1202 words prequels, the clone wars, anakin skywalker, canonical character death, loss, slavery mention, alcohol/drinking

Anakin’s life was filled with goodbyes. Goodbyes that were always out of his control. Why couldn’t he control it? Shouldn’t he be able to? Shouldn’t he be able to hold on to what he cared about?

Sometimes he’d been going through his day like normal, and then the clawing desperation would hit him, the grief, the loneliness, the knowing that everything was going to slip away from him yet again. It was what always happened.

~~~

Anakin was pretending to be asleep on his pallet in the room he shared with Obi-Wan on Coruscant. Coruscant was so different from Tatooine. So lively and noisy. He liked it. Anything was better than Tatooine.

But despite how much he liked it, and how much Obi-Wan (he couldn’t yet get himself to call him master) spent time with him day in and day out, he still hurt at night. That was when silence and emptiness took him, when he realized that… that Qui-Gon was gone. And that his mother— he’d never be able to see her again. He’d said goodbye, and he wondered how she’d even been able to do it.

He missed her.

“Anakin, are you alright?”

Anakin jumped at hearing Obi-Wan’s voice, and then propped himself up on his elbow.

“Sorry, I was just sleeping,” he lied.

Speeders passed by their window, and in the flashing lights Anakin could see the slight amusement on Obi-Wan’s face.

“Alright,” Anakin relented. “I was thinking about my mother.”

He sat up, positioning himself so he was cross-legged, and he resisted the urge to hug his blanket to himself. Obi-Wan came over from his pallet, and sat beside him. He didn’t put a hand on his shoulder like Qui-Gon might’ve, but Anakin still felt… something from Obi-Wan being closer. If he tried, he could feel a warmth coming from him, emotions and being that were becoming somewhat familiar.

“You miss her,” Obi-Wan stated, voice quiet and gentle in the night. “I understand.”

Anakin’s face twisted into a snarl. “No, you don’t. You didn’t have to leave your mother behind as a slave.”

“I’m sorry. You’re right.”

For a moment, he was taken aback at being told he was right. He, Anakin, the former slave boy from Tatooine was right?

“Just know that you can talk to me; I can try and help you. And whatever you’re feeling, the Force is there with you. As sentient beings, we have to say many goodbyes throughout our lives, and as Jedi, perhaps even moreso. But the Force flows through everything. No one’s ever really gone.”

“Even… even Qui-Gon?” Anakin asked.

Obi-Wan tensed, and then his shoulders raised with a large inhale.

“Perhaps even him. If you wish, we could go to the Room of a Thousand Fountains, meditate…” Anakin screwed up his face at the word meditate, and Obi-Wan quickly amended, “Or we could just walk, enjoy the views.” He leaned in, a conspiratorial grin alighting his face, “And I’m sure no one would be around to see us take a dip if we wanted to.”

Sudden excitement took him. Obi-Wan was suggesting breaking the rules?

“Really?”

“Yes, really.” He got up, and rubbed Anakin’s head. “Come on.”

~~~

His true goodbye to his mother had been too short. Or perhaps too long because of the mere fact that it existed. It shouldn’t have happened at all. She’d been free, for just a moment of her life, and then she’d been taken.

Anakin had hurt, so he made them hurt, and then Padmé had held him as he cried. Somehow she’d seen his grief, his anger, and she hadn’t run from it.

Anakin wanted to run from it.

How could this have happened? How could he have lost her? He’d already lost her once in his life, having to leave her behind, and now she was in the ground. Gone.

Too much happened all at once. Soon he was on Geonosis, the Clone Wars had started, he’d gotten married… And he vowed to not say goodbye to Padmé. He wouldn’t lose her too. Ever. So when he held her on their wedding night, and he joined with her, he never wanted to let her go.

To his great relief, she never wanted to let him go either.

~~~

The Jedi Temple was empty without Ahsoka. It was usually empty these days, what with the Jedi leading the Grand Army of the Republic, but without her, the silence within the vast halls was beyond count. So he stayed in his quarters, or he stayed with Padmé. He tried to volunteer for as many missions as possible, but now, he was worn out, and had ended up wandering into a bar. It was apparently one that was popular with the clones because at least half the patrons looked the same.

“Rough day?” a familiar voice asked, suddenly coming from Anakin’s right.

He turned, and saw Rex. The mere act of turning almost had him falling off his stool. Anakin berated himself. He should’ve sensed Rex coming over, but maybe he had the accarrgm to blame for that. Really, that drink wasn’t meant for humans, and the bartender had been surprised at Anakin asking for it, but he’d let him have some anyway.

Bad idea.

“You could say that,” Anakin managed to get out, having to think extra hard to get all the right words out.

Wow, he couldn’t wait till this stuff left his system. What would Obi-Wan say? What would Ahsoka—?

Right.

She was gone. Left because the Jedi Order had accused her of something she hadn’t done, hadn’t trusted her, had… had mistreated her. Oh, Snips.

“Things are different without the commander around,” Rex admitted. Anakin just nodded, not trusting himself to say too much. “I don’t know much about friendship or relationships,” he went on, “just the attachment I have to my brothers, and to you, my general, but I can imagine it must hurt that she’s not here.”

“It does,” Anakin admitted, words that he’d later hate himself for sharing if he even remembered this moment. He was showing weakness, attachment.

“There’s always loss in war.”

“Yeah. Just… why her?”

“I don’t know, General.”

“Ahsoka was so good, and the Jedi, they—they didn’t trust her, they hurt her. They offered her a place back, but she didn’t take it. She didn’t even take it for me. I—I didn’t… I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”

“Sir, perhaps I should help you back to the Temple.”

Rex put a hand on Anakin’s shoulder, and he shoved him off. “No, I’m fine.”

He tried getting up, boiling with anger and hurt, but he somehow tripped against his stool and stumbled into the counter. Rex called some others over, and Anakin couldn’t remember much after that. He just knew that the next morning, he woke up in his room in the Jedi Temple, hating everything and missing his Padawan.

~~~

Anakin’s last true goodbye was to Padmé, and then, it was the galaxy’s turn to say goodbye. To Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight. For he was now Darth Vader, dark side apprentice to Darth Sidious. His life of loss was no more, and his life of power had begun. No more goodbyes. Not ever.