#i will buy the expensive treat for myself because you aren’t there to steal it from me

[d3l3t3d-deactivated]

meow

[astaroth1357]

Demigod MC Series: Hermes

Hey guys, still doing what I can to stay healthy (and entertained) in quarantine. Staying still, keeping calm, and trying not to exert myself too much because of the shortness of breath thing going on. My lungs just can't get enough air it seems… 😅 Anyway, I've gotten a lot of suggestions on this series and I'm excited to keep it going. Just going to be a tad slow until I'm feeling better. Thank you for the support, y'all!

Demigod MC Series: Intro, Aphrodite, Hermes

Lucifer

Oh no… it’s everyone’s worst nightmare… Another Mammon, but competent. Devil help us all…

Had he known who their father was, he'd have never assigned Mammon to watch over them. Hell, he would have made sure those two never even met. They became a new handful for him to manage from the day they first arrived…

When even more things started going missing around the House than normal, he knew he had made a grave mistake… They were clever, quick, and skilled. About the best WORST combination for a burglar to be…

Worse still, they were fast on their feet. He would pretty much have no way to nab them on foot and always had to resort to his wings or magic to have any hope of catching up to them… At least Mammon usually gets himself cornered!

But, paradoxically, he also came to notice that the mortal had an odd honesty streak to them... Like, they’d steal but they’d always admit to it, unlike Mammon who would try to deflect till he was blue in the face.

Were they proud of their work, maybe? Or just didn’t see the point in trying to get away with it...?

There would be several occasions where they’d take something, sell it with Mammon, and then steal the thing back later just to put it back where it belonged, seemingly never with Mammon’s permission to do so either… 

Is it better that they returned the stolen item or worse because their actions went from just robbery to a full-on scam? Either way, it gives him headaches trying to deal with it…

He pretty much gives up getting the mortal to stop after 6 months, they are legitimately that good, but makes them swear to always put back whatever they take at some point. It seems to work out and he lets more things slide, but please someone get them out of here soon… 

Mammon

Soulmatesoulmatesoulmatesoulmate, or maybe more accurately “Partner-in-Crime” but that means pretty much the same thing to him anyway. 🤷‍♀️

He’s never met a person better at thievery than they were. The day they met, they managed to pick his pockets without breaking a sweat (or a finger) and that was it. He was in love.

They could teleport! Actually teleport!! Suddenly, NOTHING was off limits to him any more! Lucifer’s rare records? Easy. Levi’s secret safe? Cakewalk. The Castle vault?? Child’s play!! It was like they could steal anything they put their mind to!!

He didn't even have to worry about them when they made getaways because they were fast too, the two actually have parkour races through the streets for the hell of it!

On top of all that, they were wicked creative. He’d come up with a money-making scheme then they’d offer him all sorts of little tricks to help get away with it...

HE’D have never realized that they could turn themselves into rats in order to frighten and sneak past Barbatos, but they thought of it the instant they heard of his fear of things. They're a mad genius!!

The only real downside was they seemed to like stealing for the sport of it instead of for the money… so they always steal back whatever they took.

That kind of defeats the purpose of all that work in the first place, right? Ah well, at least that's more money for him.

These two pretty much became a walking menace to Devildom society- Sorry, not sorry.

Leviathan

Not another Mammon!!! WHY?! What did he do to deserve this?!?

When he started noticing that EVEN MORE of his stuff was going missing than usual, he straight-up flipped! Like, had the mortal not been pretty tough in their own right they would have been Lotan-chow. End of discussion.

… And then they started using their powers for good? Kind of?

Like, first off they would always give back what they stole, which was a nice change from Mammon. Annoying, but at least he didn't have to go buy replacement games or anything…

And then they started stealing him limited edition merch or tickets and stuff because they… liked him?? He guessed???

Why else would they go to all the trouble of swiping one of the five ultra-rare Kitsune Ruri-chan figurines from its original collector? He would have had to pay Mammon half his tail for something like that but the MC just brought it to him one morning because they could!

Is… is this love? Has he grown to love that which he hates?! What is even happening anymore!?! Who is he?!? 😫

Eventually he has to reconcile his conflicted feelings by dubbing them the real life Peony Phantom Thief, Jane and even making them a cosplay. Yes, they have to wear it when they bring him things. No, it's not weird, shut up.

Satan

He wants to be irritated, no - furious, that they keep taking his stuff… But he’ll be damned if they aren’t making Lucifer’s life a living hell right now. 😏

He's honestly not even sure how they managed to swipe half of the priceless portraits in the Castle (a considerable feat since there's one for Every. Room.) but they pulled it off in under a week. Barbs didn't even notice the replicas…

If that's not mildly terrifying, he doesn't know what is. Who knows what things he could be missing at any given moment...?

At least the mortal had the good sense to return his things, unlike Mammon, which gets them off his shit list for the most part. 🤷‍♀️

It helps that they’re also impressively well-traveled. They claim to have been across every human continent and sailed every ocean. Though he was skeptical at first, just hearing their stories eventually convinced him.

What sort of person has sailed the Amazon River, hiked through Arctic tundra, seen every major capital city, and still had time to explore the sights of the French Riviera?

One that has magical teleportation powers apparently.

Frankly, he could listen to their stories of the human world all day and still ask for another. He's told them that they may as well just write a book of their own for him at some point, it'd be beneficial to their poor vocal chords.

Asmodeus

Ugh! Really? Another thief in the House?? Wasn’t one hard enough to deal with?!

Honestly, stolen beauty products aren't exactly something you can just sell or give back, so unfortunately a lot of Asmo's clothes/accessories get targeted and he is NOT happy about it...

Around the time his favorite scarf was stolen for the third time, he was about to gut the mortal himself, but they struck a deal with him. They could nab his clothes SO LONG as they returned them with an extra little "gift."

Jewelry, perfume, creams, nail polish, etc. Asmo kept a running list and pretty much treated his thieving friend like a less moral version of Akuzon. Whatever he asked for, no matter how rare or expensive, they always got their hands on so who was he to complain?

He once decided to test them by asking for the Hope Diamond - which they got for him - but he made them return it after a week after the curse on it made him ruin a particularly intricate manicure so…

Like Satan, he's also pretty impressed with all the places they've seen. He's pretty traveled in the human world himself so they exchange travel stories all the time!

He may bother them to him out traveling from time to time. There are so many gorgeous and romantic places to visit in the human world after all, it's not like anybody could stop them from just… popping in to have a look. Right? 😏

Beelzebub

They learned very quickly that his food is absolutely off limits and after that, they were good.

Seriously. Beel caught them once trying to swipe a piece of pizza from his dinner and he nearly ripped their arm off for it…

But on the flipside, he also knows that he can go to them if he REALLY needs a snack and is short on cash. 

It's pretty comical watching the fleet-foot mortal running from angry demon vendors with a basket of stolen apples for their buddy… But he appreciates their enthusiasm! 🙂

Beel actually likes to hear about their travels too, but mostly what they've eaten. They can keep him enraptured for hours by describing all the food they've come across in the human world…

Watch out for the drool, though.

Since they can teleport, they'll sometimes pop up with a human world treat for him and the man internally swears his undying love for them every time...

Outwardly, though, he just smiles. 'Cause he's a sweetie.

Belphegor

They… they opened the attic door on, like, the first day they met… They didn’t even make it look that hard, they had some kind of knack for breaking and entering…

Seriously, imagine the look on his face when they just walk into the attic to say hello… He had this whole, “Lure and Trick the Human” plan all thought out then they pulled out a magic lockpick or something and BOOM! Freedom!

He laughed, perhaps a little closer to the edge of sanity than he was intending, and he tried to attack them but they were so damn fast he couldn't land a single hit!

Damn was it embarrassing when the others came in…

MC: "LUCIFER! LUCIFER!! There's a monster in your attic!!!"

Lucifer: "That's not a monster that's my brother!!"

MC: *stops midway through kneeing Belphie in the stomach* …. Ooooooooh!

MC: Whoops. 

It was a… rocky start.

After they settled their differences quelled Belphie's bloodlust he found that they kind of grew on him rather quickly… Something about that mischievous energy and how much they gave his brothers (minus Beel) grief with it.

He absolutely helps them with their plans if it will annoy Lucifer in any way. Occasionally, they'll even take Belphie out on raids instead of Mammon.

Turns out he's surprisingly good at distractions because all he has to do is pretend to fall then take a nap. People around him will legitimately believe that he needs medical attention so the MC can sneak through crowds undetected...

Of course, Mammon gets PISSED when they do this, though. How dare his baby brother try to steal away his perfect partner!! Get your own damn mortal, Belphie!!! 🤬

[windschildfanfictionwriter]

Two of my favorite scenes from the Harry Potter books were from Goblet of Fire [odd since I wasn't fond of the book as a whole].

-Ron being frustrated and upset when he found out the money was fake and that he hadn't actually paid Harry back.

-When Ron got into an argument with Harry.

I loved it. I ADORED it.

I hadn't realized it at the time in reading these scenes, of course, I was too busy empathizing with Ron. At the time of reading this book I'd had a grown man steal money I'd worked an entire summer for so he could buy himself beer and cigarettes'. I'd been 12? at the time. And I'd taught myself how to sew and had made purses and diaper holders and bags and pillows. All in all the man stole about $140 dollars from me.

They were friends of my mother living in our house. And my mother [a coward of a woman- I still love her, but our relationship is strained] she did nothing. She did not call them out. She did not kick them out. She did not make them pay me back. She did not pay me back.

When Ron's money disappeared I was furious on his behalf. I was angry. I closed the book and paced around my room. It didn't matter that the circumstances were different. That Ron hadn't worked for the money. It was the fact that I understood being poor and always doing the right thing and NOT BEING ALLOWED TO BE UPSET about it.

Ron being upset made me feel validated. No on in real life acknowledged my hurt. No one in real life treated what happened as if it was wrong.

And then I picked the book back up and there was a complete lack of understanding by anyone around Ron.

It was such a small moment. Meaningless to most. It was less than a couple paragraphs. Harry didn't get it. It wasn't relevant to him. He dismissed it because like a good friend, he didn't CARE if Ron paid him back.

And good on Harry.

I LIKE that. I think its great how Harry did not feel as if Ron owed him anything. I approve.

But that doesn't stop the fact that I FELT Ron's emotions in that moment. Up until that point in the books Ron was my favorite character. I GOT him. I understood his views on things. But it was THIS moment in the books- the timing, the situation, where I think that there was this CONNECTION.

It has been YEARS since I read that scene, if we're being honest, but its the one where I remember everything in it perfectly still. Its the one where if ANYONE gives Ron shit about it, my hackles immediately rise.

Because its the scene where it feels like Ron and I looked each other in the eye and UNDERSTOOD each other. Its' the scene where Ron became more than my favorite character and became a good friend who understood me. Nowadays I understand the psychology behind it. That its human nature that we connect with characters that aren't' real because they are real to us.

It was like I was told that I DID have a right to be angry. That my feelings on the matter were validated even if no one else would acknowledge it- because Ron Weasley had validated those feelings just because he FELT them.

So that scene has become one of my favorites.

The second scene, of course, is when Ron stood up for himself and his feelings. The argument with Harry about the goblet of fire.

It didn't matter that I knew Harry was innocent. Because for me, it was obvious, Ron thought Harry had lied to him and had left him out.

As someone whose feelings were CONSTANTLY being invalidated at the time, I was 100% on Ron's side. Ron didn't know the truth. All he could do was look at the evidence... that he and Harry had just been talking about how if they could enter, they would, and that they would do it TOGETHER.

Its not REASONABLE for a kid to assume that a Death Eater disguised as their teacher would force Harry's name into the cup. To Ron this is a tournament that he and Harry had EXCITEDLY been talking about entering. Facing challenges. Defeating fellow students.

Its much more reasonable to assume Harry had figured out how to put his name in and did.

To Ron Harry broke a best friend unspoken promise.

And Ron STOOD UP for himself. Ron standing up for himself despite people being mad at him for it, gave me the strength to stand up for myself. That scene was a big, 'Hey, I know I'm the nice person and that I'm always supposed to support you and be kind even at my own expense and emotions' BUT I've had enough.

I matter too.

My feelings matter too.

You can't just... disregard me all the time and expect me to not get upset.

Ron STOOD UP for himself.

It was amazing. It was great. I I LOVED it.

The resolution, not so much, the resolution is the first in a long string of narrative choices to have Ron be the only person to apologize going forward and having people act as if Ron was the only one in the wrong. THAT pisses me off. Because Harry wasn't lying, but Harry also threw an object at Ron when he came down to ask if Harry was alright.

I loved that Ron wasn't willing to be a sidekick in his own life. That he was willing to do something about it. Be more than what people had forced him to be. He broke out of his box.

His designation.

His label.

And people, readers, fans - were/are pissed about that.

And I can't help but stare at those people and think, that's fucking right, he broke out of the formula you INSIST he needed to stay tucked into.

He's BETTER than what you wanted from him.

And I can be that too. It's because of Ron that I decided a long time ago that I am BETTER than what people want me to be.

People will hate me for it.

They will hate me for destroying that box and those labels. And that's perfectly fine, because that means I'm going in the right direction.

Ron DEFIED people's desires for him to be a neat, complacent, loyal dog whose only will was what the Hero of the story wanted from him.

In the end, it was Ron's defiance that ended up destroying a part of Voldemort's Soul and that dragged Harry and Hermione's depressed asses out of their own dark cycles to beat the Dark Lord and his army.

And that's why even though a lot of the stuff around these scenes pisses me off, I've come to recognize that these two bits are my favorite Ron scenes.

[bondsmagii]

check out truebjdconfessions. i know youre not into dolls but you asked and i think youd have a field day with it. the current Huge argument in the hobby is recasts. since bjds are a luxury hobby, its mostly artists who make them, and they dont make like, tons and tons of money or anything, its way more about the passion than the money (ok this is biased because im a sculptor myself) but 'recasts' are pretty much people taking these artists dolls, making copies, and selling them for cheaper. basically art theft but for dolls. and if it was like normal knockoffs id be totally cool with it, like people who make knockoffs of barbies are fine cause barbie is a million dollar company like they have more than enough money already. but its just scummy to me cause its targeting these smaller artists.. plus like, its a luxury hobby? bjds are expensive to make AND to buy! and as a sculptor myself who is working on concepts for my own bjds id be super upset if someone else was making money off my hard work. however. there are some 'pro-artist' people who say pretty vile things about recast owners which i def dont agree with. i think people treat it as way more high stakes than it is tbh? like this is a pretty small doll collecting hobby... someone owning a recast doesnt make them an evil scum of the earth person. just makes them not someone i personally would wanna hang around. theyre still people, which i think is pretty easy to forget over the internet. oh also another bjd drama thing thats unrelated to recasts: so a lot of people, myself included, customize these dolls to be our own specific original characters. and some people get VERY VERY upset about people 'copying' their ideas... to the point where back in like 2015, if you put a pink wig and glitter on a doll, you would be accused of copying by like 10 people, 5 of whom were Popular in the community, who would then start accusing Each Other of copying too, and just saying all sorts of nasty shit to you and each other. but yeah. check out that blog and be sure to read replies on posts you think are particularly juicy. sorry if this is weird to infodump about btw, i am literally mega autistic and bjds are my special interest lol. have a good one man!!

please do not apologise for this like I literally read it slowly, piece by piece, basking in all of the highly nuanced drama contained within. this is exactly what I love about hobby drama. it's so specific and it's going on, right now, and how would I ever even begin to guess at what was going on if not for people giving me a heads-up? this must be how it feels to be a journalist with an inside scoop. I love it.

I literally cannot get over the nerve of some people though like the sheer balls (pun not intended) it takes to take something that's so obviously unique and then just... blatantly steal it. like people aren't going to notice? and also the whole thing about things that are essentially copyrighted but are relatively common things -- I was instantly reminded of some niche drama I read about a while back involving a South Park RP community, and some South Park OCs that were having beef because one person created an OC who was pretty distinctive, being albino, and then somebody else created an albino OC and there was just a whole load of drama and godmodding and I think the entire RP community just like, imploded? you can read the entire account here, it's absolutely wild.

but no sincerely thank you for the tipoff, I am absolutely going to be looking into this 👀

[fearfulkittenwrites]

“Just a normal night”

Inspired by @s-mscott​ - link for the art, please check it out!

Word count: 2832

Notes: HEY. THIS IS JUST BEEN SITTING ON MY FILES FOR THE LONGEST TIME AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT DKJFHAKJHAKJDFH. Anyway, it's a long time coming. The writing probs isn't as neat or as good as the latest uploads bc of that, but... idk. Hopefully it's good! I couldn't bring myself to edit it again, sorry about that. I hope you can enjoy it anyways and please go check out the artist, @s-mscott​!

“Guys?” Dick asked, on his tiptoes as he rummaged through every cabinet in the huge kitchen “Hey are we out of cereal? I can’t find my Lucky Charms anywhere.”

“I think so.” Jason answered “I ate the last of the Lucky Charms last night.”

“Yep.” Tim said, popping the ‘p’ as he slid through the countertop, landing a bit behind Dick “I had the last of the frosted flakes two days ago.”

“Froot Loops?” Dick asked.

“I had those.” Duke answered “Sorry.”

“Fruity Pebbles?”

 Cass raised her hand, looking at the ground.

“Reese’s Puffs?”

“I finished the box yesterday.” Damian announced, crossing his arms as he leaned against the marble sink.

“Damn.” Dick murmured and pouted as he closed the cabinet’s door “I’ve been craving cereal today.”

“We can always go get some.” Jason shrugged.

“At three in the morning?” Duke asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Actually, four.” Jason corrected, putting up a finger “And yeah, why not? I mean, we had a hard patrol tonight, and if Dick wants some cereal, I say let’s go get some cereal.”

“It’s four in the morning, Todd.” Damian said.

“I mean, the closest Walmart is open 24/7.” Tim interfered.

“You can’t be seriously considering this, Grayson.” Damian frowned at his older brother.

“Why not? I’m not sleepy anyways.” Dick crossed his arms and shrugged.

“Yes!” Jason hissed “Late night adventures with the baby bats. Let’s roll!” He clapped his hands once, and started to walk out of the kitchen, his siblings following him to the garage.

“Oh wait!” Dick said “Let’s ring up Bruce and see if there’s anything else we need.”

“Bold of you to assume he’d know what we need.” Tim interfered.

“Yeah, well, it’s worth a shot. Plus, do any of us really want to wake up Alfred to ask him?” Dick said, taking his communicator out of his pocket and placing it in his ear “B? Have a sec?” He asked

“Nightwing. What’s wrong?” Came the answer, Batman’s raspy voice flowing through the device.

“Oh, nothing’s wrong. We’re going to take a quick trip to the supermarket, I wanted to ask if you need anything.”

“... At four in the morning?”

“Yeah. Do you need anything?”

Bruce sighed.

“We’re running out of the coffee blend that Tim likes. Alfred the cat’s favorite treats have been gone since last week, and Cass’ favorite ice cream is done. Oh, buy Duke that soda he likes, I drank the last can. Also, Jason’s cookies and that brand of chips you like, we ran out of those. Oh, and buy something with Iron in it, I’m worried that Damian might not be getting enough.”

“Like spinach?” Dick said, writing it down on his phone’s notes.

“Yeah, that’ll do. Ah, and we’re a little low on milk.”

“Okay. Will keep that in mind. Thanks B, have a nice patrol.”

“Please don’t give the papers any headlines.”

“You got it, B. Bye.”

He placed the device back on his pocket.

“Okay, there’s a lot of stuff to buy, so let’s get going. I’ll drive.”

“Shotgun!” Jason yelled.

“We’re taking the S.U.V., one of you will need to ride in the trunk.” Dick said.

“I’ll go.” Cass’ eyes twinkled. No one could understand why she was always so fascinated with the idea of riding in the trunk, but she seemed to find it fun and all of them thought that her excitement was cute.

“Alright then.” Dick smiled, ruffling her hair. Her grin grew wider, and Duke set her hair straight again before they got into the car.

“Hey, can I play my music?” Tim asked from the backseat.

“Don’t force us to listen to the atrocity Drake calls music, Grayson.” Damian complained, arms crossed “Let me play something.”

“Uh, I’d rather not listen to Mozart and Bach while we’re in the car.” Duke protested.

“It’s called classic for a reason, Thomas.”

“Doesn’t matter, bat-brat.” Jason said “I’m with him on this one. Besides, universal car rules, shotgun DJ’s.”

“Since when?” Tim asked.

“Since now.” Jason said, plugging his phone in.

“Uh, I don’t think so.” Dick took the cord from him “According to ‘Supernatural’ rules, ‘Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole’. So that’s mine.”

“No one else watches this show Dickhead!” Jason pulled the cord back.

“Doesn’t matter, because I’m older!” Dick pulled it back again.

“Age is just a number!” Tim pushed himself to the front seat and took the cord back.

“Great point Drake!” Damian pulled him back by his waist, stealing the cord from him too.

“Hey, stop with the fuss, I’m gonna crash the car!” Dick said.

“Maybe we should just play Beyoncé...” Duke suggested. The car went silent for a while.

“Okay.” Dick said “Put on ‘Single Ladies’.”

“No. ‘Halo’ is her best.” Damian complained.

“Uhm, no way? I’m playing ‘Drunk in Love’, and that’s it.” Tim shot back.

“Are you crazy? Play ‘Formation’.” Duke interfered.

“I like ‘Run the World’...” Cass said quietly from the trunk.

“Yeah, okay,” Tim murmured “We’ll play that.”

The girl smiled as the first notes from the song filled the car.

There weren’t many cars in the parking lot, which was expected. They picked up two carts, and Dick hopped inside the one Jason was pushing.

“Dude!” Duke started “You’re in your mid-twenties!”

“Leave me alone, I nearly sprained my ankle today.” Dick stuck his tongue out. No one else questioned anything beyond that. The employees simply sighed, used to the two older brothers and their antics.

“Hey Parker.” Jason greeted the nighttime security guard.

“Hey. I see you two brought the whole gang tonight.” He answered.

“Yup.” Dick smiled.

“So this is a regular thing for the two of you?” Duke asked.

“Are you really surprised, Duke?” Tim shot back.

“No. Not really.”

“Okay. First stop, Bruce said we need to get Tim’s coffee.” Dick exclaimed, looking at the list.

Jason led the way, Dick grinning like a child on the cart, Cass quietly following as she pushed their second cart, Duke making friendly conversation with her while Tim and Damian kept bickering right behind them.

“Oh, wait!” Dick held on to the metal bars “We’re right next to the cookies and Bruce said we’re out of your favorites, Jay.” He looked up.

“Alright, a little detour then.” Jason turned them around, quickly grabbing his treats “Anyone wants anything else from this aisle?”

“But... We don’t need anything else from the aisle.” Duke pointed out.

“Um, we have a billionaire’s credit card?” Tim said “Bruce won’t freak out if we buy a few extra things.”

“Uuuh, they have those koala shaped cookies!” Dick hopped out of the cart “How many do I get?”

“I want one.” Cass said.

“Chocolate or strawberries?”

“Uh… I want both.” She answered.

“Okay, one each for the lady, two strawberries for me...”

“I want a chocolate one.” Tim said.

“Me too.” Damian asked.

“Oh, just take twenty boxes, ten of each flavor.” Jason interfered, dumping them on Cass’ cart “We’ll share later.”

“Oh my God, those are expensive!” Duke said, exasperated.

“Yeah. So?” Jason shot back.

“Bruce is a billionaire, bro. He won’t mind.” Dick said, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, well, it’s easy for you guys to say it. You grew up like that. It’s kinda hard to accept this when you aren’t used to having so much.” Duke answered, scratching his neck.

“Hey, I get that feeling lil’ bro.” Jason tapped his back “I spent my childhood in Gotham’s streets.”

“Yeah. I mean, I grew up in the circus. I wasn’t used to the idea of getting brand new stuff instead of asking for hand-me-downs from our friends whenever I grew out of my clothes.” Dick interfered.

“But... Just think about it like this.” Jason got closer to him “We now can get everything we couldn’t in the past.”

Duke frowned. Jason nodded encouragingly.

“That... Doesn’t help.”

“I tried.” Jason shrugged. Dick hopped back in the cart “To the coffee aisle!” He exclaimed, pushing his brother around.

“Hang on.” Tim said “This is where they leave the energy drinks. Let me take some.”

“Why do you insist on drinking this crap, Drake?” Damian scowled, reading the label in one of the cans “If you have such a death wish, jumping in front of a train is a much cheaper, quicker alternative.”

“Shut up, little devil.” Tim picked up cans from his favorite brand.

“Jason, push me a little farther down the aisle, please.” Dick asked “They keep their iced teas over there.”

“Ugh, Grayson, you disgust me.” Damian rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be so judgemental Lil’ D.” He smiled, being pushed away by Jason.

As they examined the cans, Dick noticed he had attracted the looks of a middle aged man, a couple of steps from them. He was staring at his hoodie, that contained the frase ‘I love dick’ printed on it.

“Oh,” He exclaimed, smiling at the guy “My name is Richard. That’s why it’s funny.” The man nodded “I’m also queer as fuck, so that makes it better.” He added nonchalantly, and the man’s eyes widened “Okay Jay, I picked up all I wanted, let’s go back.”

“Alright you little shits, back to the coffee quest.” Jason said, leading the way once again. This time, they finally made it to the coffee aisle. Tim crouched down, looking for his favorite blend.

Cass got a little curious once she laid eyes on a colorful package on the top shelf. She picked it up and handed it to Dick.

“Read. Please.”

“This is an espresso roast. Here it says that it has notes of strawberry? Vanilla and... Sugar cane. Colombian coffee. Seems nice. Wanna take it?”

“Yes.” She nodded. Dick dropped it on his cart.

Cass wandered away, still looking at all of the coffee blends.

“Hey girlie,” A guy whistled at her, next to his group of friends “Nice ass.”

She squinted at them.

“Yo, asshole!” Tim screamed, getting their attention “That’s our sister!” He threw a bag of coffee beans at the guy’s face, causing his nose to bleed.

“Hey, who do you think you are?” One of them started to walk up to her brothers. Cass could tell that he wanted trouble, so she grabbed his arm and slammed his face against the shelf, so quickly and brutally that it barely budged, leaving the products unbothered, but the guy fell to the floor, disoriented. She stared at him.

“We are Waynes.” Damian answered, pacing towards them quietly, hands on his pockets “I suggest you apologize immediately for the troubles, if you wouldn’t want to get a hefty lawsuit for your harrasment.”

“Uh, sorry bro.” One of them started, a little scared “We didn’t-”

“Not to me.” He interrupted “To her.”

“We’re sorry, miss Wayne.” All of them mumbled.

“Now promise you won’t do it again.” Damian added.

“We won’t do it again.” They started at the floor, next to where their fallen friend laid down.

“Good.” He squinted “Help your friend up, and get out of my sight.”

They did as they were told, helping his friend walk straight again. As Cass headed back, Dick gently touched her arm, looking up at her.

“Hey, are you alright?” She smiled and gave him a thumbs up. He smiled back.

“Does this happen often?” Jason asked.

“Sometimes.” She shrugged “But they always say sorry after I break their nose.”

“Ayy, that’s our girl.” Jason praised “Alright, we got the coffee. Where to next?”

“Let’s see... Next item is Alfred the cat’s treats.” Dick said.

“Ha!” Damian laughed loudly “As if Alfred would eat the... peasant treats that this store offers. No. I’ve already bought the adequate brand from an online shop.”

“Okay...” Dick raised an eyebrow “Then... Cass’ ice cream is next, but I think we should leave that as the last item, so it won’t melt, which leads us to Duke’s soda because Bruce had the last can.”

“Let’s go then. I think that the cereal aisle is on the way, so we’ll get that first.” Jason said, pushing the cart around again.

“Which ones do we get?” Tim asked, looking through the shelf.

“Everything that has sugar.” Dick answered. His brother began handing him boxes, when they heard a small whisper.

“Oh my God, are those...?” A girl said to her friend, attracting the eyes of the siblings. The duo averted their gaze quickly. Cass frowned at them.

“Relax.” Jason smiled, placing an arm on her back “They’re probably just... Fans.”

“Fans?” She asked, still staring suspiciously at them.

“Yeah.” Dick shrugged “I mean, we’re not super stars, but we do hit the papers pretty often. A bunch of people know us here in Gotham.” The girls were looking again, and Dick gave them a small wave, making them giggle “See? Nothing to worry about.”

“Hum.”

“Hey there, ladies.” Jason greeted, a cheeky smile on his face “What brings you to this fine establishment tonight?”

“We ran out of energy drinks.” One of them answered “What about you?”

“Cereal.” Dick answered, lifting two boxes. They giggled again.

“Hey, um... can we maybe get a picture?” The girl asked “It’s just that... no one will believe us when we tell them about this.”

“Absolutely not!” Damian answered.

“Nah, don’t listen to the little brat.” Jason said “Go ahead.”

Dick held up the boxes again, smiling as Jason made a ‘crazy’ motion with his hands. Tim turned around as the photo was being taken, turning him into a blurr with tired eyes.

“Can we get some selfies too?” The other one asked, grinning.

“No!” Damian protested again.

“Of course you can!” Dick said “Duke, Cass, come here.” He called.

All of them gathered around the cart Dick was staying at, even Damian. He didn’t look so pleased as the photo was taken, but neither did Cass.

“Thanks. You guys really are nice.” The first girl said.

“Oh, you have no clue on how nice I can be.” Jason winked, making her blush “Tell you what, why don’t I give you my phone number and you can text me those pictures later, hm?”

“Sure.” The girl bit her lips as Jason scribbled his number on her wrist.

“You are such a flirt.” Dick rolled his eyes as the girls walked away.

“What, like you aren’t?” Jason snorted, pushing him away, looking for where they kept the soda.

“I think Cass didn’t like that interaction very much.” Tim whispered to his older brothers, who turned around to find a frowning baby bat. Jason chuckled.

“What’s wrong, sis?” She scowled at him “Oh, c’mon, don’t get jealous.” He threw an arm around her shoulder “You know you’ll always be our number one girl, but a guy has his needs. And sometimes, a guy needs a date.”

Cass pushed him away, rolling her eyes as Duke placed five soda cans on her cart.

“Why would you even drink this sugar filled monstrosity, Thomas?” Damian asked, reading the labels “Grandfather wouldn’t even feed his prisoners something as revolting as this.”

“Because, Bat-brat,” He said “We’re all entitled to enjoy at least one or two things that may ultimately be responsible for our deaths.”

“I suppose.” He murmured, lifting an eyebrow “You make much finer points than the rest of them. Father has been looking for heirs in the least suitable places, I assume.” He clicked his tongue “It’s a good thing I’m here to help.”

“Okay...” Duke answered, raising his eyebrows and averting his gaze. There was only so much strangeness that he could handle.

“Great, now we need to get my chips and spinach.” Dick stated.

“Spinach?” Tim asked “Why spinach?”

“B thinks Damian may have been needing more iron in his diet.” Dick shrugged.

“Aaw.” Tim said “That’s actually kinda cute. Do you think he ever worries about our diets?”

“Don’t be stupid Tim, of course he doesn’t.” Jason answered.

“He does.” Dick shot back “He worries about us, he just... Really, really, really, reaaaally sucks at showing it sometimes.”

“Potatoe, potatoe.” Jason murmured.

“Yeah, whatever. Keep me moving Little Wing, we have stuff to pick up and my tiredness is catching up to me.” Dick pointed forward.

“Sure. But the chips are in the opposite direction.”

“Well turn me around then, do you want me to look like an idiot?” Dick said, a little exasperated.

“I wish you had an off button sometimes.” Jason sighed as he made his way to the chips section.

An employee, mopping the floor with a bored expression, looked up from what he was doing when he saw the Wayne gang talking loudly. Dick tried to control his brothers from inside the cart, and had just told Jason to separate a fight between Tim and Damian. Duke and Cass snicker as they saw a bored, six feet tall Jason pushing his much smaller brothers apart.

“Yep.” The employee murmured to himself “Billionaires shopping at Walmart at four in the morning. Just a normal night.”

Hey! If you made it this far, please consider reblogging this? It helps with spreading my fics and it makes me very happy, hahahaha!

Regardless, thanks for reading <3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #280

“this is the place in our mind with a crooked crown / we came to execute its own perfect shutdown”

Do you have a strong local accent? No. Do you prefer green or red grapes? Red, but either is fine so long as they’re crisp. Can you stand on your hands unassisted? pffff Who was the last person to knock/ring at your door? Pizza guy. How old were you when you last went trick or treating? No idea. Have you ever been bobbing for apples? ”No. That’s a gross game lol you’re dipping your head and mouth into water other people are dipping their head and mouth into.” <<<< This. What’s your most expensive piece of clothing? No clue. What’s the last thing you took a picture of? Guys I actually took a selfie bc for once in my goddamn life, I felt really pretty with the makeup Summer did on me. She's working towards a degree in cosmetology and is so talented with it. What’s the last thing you drew a picture of? A meerkat pup. Have you ever been on a pogo stick? Omg, yes. I got one for I think Christmas one year as a kid and I got SO into it. I learned how to do it really well. Can you down a pint (of anything) in one? Probably not without throwing up. Have you ever been banned from a public place? No. Have you ever been in a newspaper? A couple times, I think. I know once in elementary school for when I was in chorus; we went somewhere for a small Christmas show. Then I believe I was in it for another school thing? Idr. What football team do you support? I don’t care for football or sports in general. What did you want to be when you grew up? My phases included paleontologist, vet, movie director, author, game designer, aaaand I know I’m forgetting one. But my current and long-term goal has been to become a photographer. Being an artist as a free time “job” has always been an aspiration, too. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes? In school, yeah. How often do you buy new clothes? Very rarely. Usually just around Christmas or my birthday from gift cards I get. Are you reliable? In some ways yes, in other ways no. Are you proud of yourself? No. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be? If she’s ended up happy. Do you hold grudges? Nah. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas? Mom does pretty much last minute, but only sometimes when looking at the past few years. Can you solve sudoku puzzles? Sure, they’re fun. What’s the most unusual conversation you've ever had? Who knows. Are you much of a gambler? Not at all. I don’t fuck around with money, especially when just $5 makes you feel great. Have you ever been to Disneyland? I’ve been to Disney World. Do you sing in the shower? Very rarely. Almost never now that I don’t play music while I’m in there. As a child did you ever suck your thumb or fingers? I mean probably? I do know I loved my pacifier and was SO upset when Mom’s doctor or someone playfully told me I was gonna have to give it up because my upcoming baby sister would want to steal it, and guess what? Nicole never fucking used a pacifier so I was tilted lmao. What time do you usually go to bed? Lol BRO it can be as early as 7 PM on bad depression days to as late as like, 2-3 AM. I’d say the average time is like… 9:30. What's your favorite animal? MEERKATS hngggggggggggggggg Have you ever been in marching band? No. Do you have any enemies? No? At least I don’t consider anyone to be. Have you ever been a cheerleader? As a kid, Mom wanted me to so I could do something with my sisters, who were actually interested in cheerleading. She certainly didn’t force me to or anything, I just agreed to it despite not being into it. We were with this Christian sports group for a long time doing various sports all the while being taught lessons in Christlikeness. I’ve actually got warm memories of it Did you ever date anyone on the football team? No. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No, not that I’m against the idea tho. The plushy would just have to be very special to me and also comfortable to hold. How many consecutive days have you ever missed of school? I missed an entire week when I learned about Mom’s cancer. I could barely function. With how much school stressed me, I would NOT have managed. Have you ever been pregnant? No, not in my to-do list. When was the last time you wanted to speak out, but couldn’t? I’m sure it was recently over Facebook; most times, I keep my mouth shut over political things on there that might get me fired up because I’m afraid of confrontation. Are fingerless gloves awesome? I love them. Wore them daily in high school. I still have some of my favorites, though I’m doubtful they still fit my hands… Would you rather be cannibalistic or die in the wilderness? Okay so I’m gonna actually go kinda in-detail, so the squeamish be warned. Realistically, I think I’d choose to die. ESPECIALLY if I was the one expected to kill another person; then, there’s no question. I wouldn’t be able to do it either if I knew the person. If it was some stranger someone else killed and cooked, I don’t know with absolute certainty; starvation really can make animals out of people. I do know for sure I’d vomit. I far more heavily lean into still preferring to die, because I just believe some things aren’t worth living after they’ve been committed. I’d hate myself. I’d rather die feeling clean of conscience. Would you survive on a deserted island? Hell no. Have you dyed your hair eccentric colors in the past? Yeah, I want to do it far more often… What size drink do you usually get at fast food restaurants? Medium, sometimes small. What do you think is the best thing in life? Love, both platonic and romantic. Have you ever sold anything online either on Craigslist, eBay, Amazon, etc.? If not, what is your website of choice like any of the above for buying things? We sold our previous dog over Craigslist, and I sold my iguana there as well. I know Mom has used eBay and Amazon, but idk for what. Have you ever seen an animal give birth? Have you ever had a pet give birth before? I’ve seen old pet cats give birth many times. What is something you want to try to accomplish within the next year? I want a job that I’m content with and can mentally handle. Oh, and I REALLY want to make strong progress on recovering from the muscle atrophy in my legs. What’s the most unusual kind of pizza you’ve ever tried? I have no clue; I’m not that adventurous with pizza or food in general. If you were given the chance to decorate an entire house the way you wanted, with no limit to cost, how would you decorate it? GOTHIC AS A MOTHERFUCKER WELCOME TO THE GOTDAMN ADDAMS FAMILY. What’s one of your favorite things to touch/feel? My cat. :’) How often do you wear tights? Ew, never. Has there ever been anything you’ve become interested in much later than other people? I guess Instagram, but only as a viewer. I don’t have a personal one, just for my photography that I only rarely post. Have you ever had a veggie burger? Yeah, during my vegetarian streak. Burger King’s really aren’t that bad so long as the patty is made well. Do you like candles? Yeah, sure. When was the last time you wore a sports bra? Forever ago when I was doing Wii Fit. Where did you get the shirt you’re currently wearing? I think Hot Topic? It’s an oversized Umbreon shirt. Who last messaged you on Facebook? My friend Summer when we were planning our lil witch photoshoot w/ friends. Who last walked you home? lol you don’t just have someone “walk you home” here. Bundles of homes are way too far and in-between for reasonable walking distance. Did you make any new friends lately? If so, what are their names and how did you meet them? Not really recently, no. Would you rather see your favorite band/artist in concert with 2 other people or have a free $20,000 shopping spree to Walmart? Seeing Ozzy with my mom would be a DREAM, but to be realistic, I’d take the shopping spree pretty damn quickly. $20k? That would do WONDERS for us, especially as we’re about to move into a new place. When was the last time you threw up and why did you? A long time ago when I started a new medication. Do you want revenge on the person who has hurt you the most? … I’m gonna be REAL honest. For the most part, no. But ngl there are times I’m like “I’m gonna work on getting back in shape and become H O T” like a petty bitch lmao this is embarrassing to admit. Has anyone ever claimed that you saved their life? Yes. Did you ever have that near-drowning experience? No. Have you ever performed on stage? For dance, yes, but I never did a solo. Are you a jealous person? Not jealous (usually), but I’ve come to realize I’m a pretty envious piece of shit. Morning person or night person? I’m in my best mood in the morning because I have the “it’s a fresh start” ideology. Then I repeat exactly what I did the day before. :^) Have you ever written a poem for someone? Numerous times. Do you meditate? No, but I wish I could without it only causing more stress. Do you like cranberries that they serve for Thanksgiving? EW I hate cranberries. What don't you understand that frustrates you? Finances. Do you plan on going to college? I’ve tried college three times and dropped out each time. I’m done trying with school. Do you believe the governments hide technology and information from the public? AbsoFUCKINGlutely. Which is your favorite Pokemon? Ninetales! What horror fiction character scares you the most? What’s the name of the villain in the Scream series? Ghostface? I don’t feel like looking it up, but he TERRIFIED me as a kid, and I still think he’s mega creepy. Were you part of the Brownies/Cubs/Scouts/Guides etc? I was in Girl Scouts. Have you ever invented a fairly unique meal or drink? No. Do you have any family secrets? Don’t think so. Do you often read your horoscope? Never. They’re bullshit. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading? No; also bullshit. Have you ever milked a cow? No. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? They’ve always scared me because I’m afraid of throwing up. Now with how dizzy I get, I absolutely refuse to try one because I WILL faint with all the movement. What’s your favorite sportswear brand? idc Who’s your favorite superhero? Does Deadpool count? Who’s your favorite villain/baddie? If we’re still in the comics/superhero universe, the Joker. Have you ever won a giant-sized cuddly toy from a fair? No. What would you say is your favorite album of all time? Black Rain by Ozzy Osbourne. I fucking adore it; it was my introduction to metal, and still after all this time, every track S L A P S. I deadass played that CD so much that it scratches at a few points. Do you dislike hairy people? lol fuck this question. I’m guessing you’re asking if I find them attractive and not as if people I “dislike” them, but in both cases, it’s no. We’re mammals, who the fuck cares how hairy you are. Do you like your own name? I actually do really like my name. My first one, anyway. Would you ever sign a Prenuptial agreement? NOPE. Want one? You’re gonna have to find someone else willing to, my man. How long has your longest ever phone call been? No less than two hours, but I know more. I have three instances in particular where I talked with either friends or Jason for SO long. Could you ever have an affair with a married person? Hell no. What is your family Christmas like? Nicole comes here so she and I open presents with Mom, then we spend the day at my older sister’s to be with the kids. We also try to squeeze visiting Dad in there the same day, but sometimes it has to be a different one. If you met a genie who offered you three wishes, what would you wish for? (more wishes does not count) Just three is hard… but #1 is indisputably world peace, and then uhhhh the end of poverty and maybe the cure for cancer. I’d have a super hard time picking a third; so many things matter to me. Have you ever had your national flag painted on your face? No, not in my plans. Do you have any strange body things? Well, define “strange,” I guess? Nothing like, really strange. What fairy tale character would you most associate with? Can I be Snow White and attract cute critters like moths to a flame? Also I would 100% take a Good apple. If a loved one was to serenade you, what song would you most like them to sing? It would depend on the person and our bond, really. Is there a cherished song between us? What is our relationship like? There’s no umbrella song I can think of. Is your dad an embarrassing dancer? GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! My sister’s wedding, okay? Father/daughter dance? He actually has MOVES and it was incredible man, never gonna forget that. What if any unusual objects have you swallowed? Nothing, I think. If you were stinking rich, would you only go to places other rich people went? Hell naw, man. There are plenty of great, affordable places in all categories. I could be a millionaire and you’d still see my ass in McDonald’s ordering a burger and fries lmao. Have you ever owned a slinky? My sisters and I had multiple as kids; those were d o p e. Teenage parents, good, bad, or indifferent? An AWFUL idea. A teenager is physically, most likely financially, and mentally unprepared to raise a child properly. It can seriously affect the kid, and of course the parent. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken? I’m unsure. Pirate downloads, good or bad? It’s bad… yet plenty (myself included) have/do do it. Democracy, good or bad? Good. It’s very important to me that rule should come from the people’s majority versus a small coalition of rich guys. While the majority is not always right, it seems like the best option to me. Communism, good or bad? Okay so to be totally honest I actually don’t entirely understand what communism outlines. Like I just read multiple definitions and small articles and I’m still kinda like “????”, though judging by the countries listed as those governed by communism, I would guess it’s bad? Have you ever been electrocuted? On an electric fence, but it wasn’t too bad. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender? Yeah. The war in Iraq, good or bad? Get the fuck out of it. To start with, I’m a pretty fierce pacifist, and just… killing and killing and killing for YEARS is so goddamn pointless and is just a massacre. The war in Afganistan, good or bad? jfc ^ Have you ever appeared on YouTube? LET’S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS lmfao Have you ever eaten anything prepared by a celebrity chef? No,, but that’d be dope. Have you ever been on radio? No. Do you prefer male or female singers voices? ”Their gender doesn’t matter, but their talent does.” <<<< Do you have a list of things to do before your ‘x’ years old? Goals should not be judged by age. I’m bad at this and have to remind myself of it a lot. A goal is a goal regardless of a number. Celebrate for *you*. Are you proud, comfortable or ashamed of your body? Very very much ashamed. Do you know html? Super poorly. Have you ever flown first class? lol hunny What are better, violins or pianos? Violins. How old is your oldest blanket? As old as me. My baby blanket is stored somewhere. Do you take enough vacations? lol hell no. I’ve maybe gone on three vacations in my entire life. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? Yup. Then one time I was recovering from a wicked stomach virus but went to Olive Garden anyway lol. I was fine though, and it’s actually a sweet memory because Jason (he worked there at the time) got the staff to do the whole “happy birthday” thing. I got a bombin’ brownie. Who is your favorite person? Sara and my mom. What do you do to stay healthy? lol you assume I’m healthy. What is your favorite form of exercise? Swimming. Do you like going to church? I never did. As a kid, I would cry when/if Mom decided we were going to mass after Sunday school lmao. It’s always been boring and too long to me, even when I was religious. Have you ever fallen asleep during a sermon? Probably as a kid. Do you like to pray for others? No. I don’t believe anyone hears them or will intervene somehow if I ask anyway. Have you ever witnessed a miracle? No. I don’t think I believe in those anyway. Have you ever been the recipient of a miracle? Definitely not. How did you or whoever come up with the name(s) for your pet(s)? I thought “Roman” was a majestic name for a male cat, and Venus has the coloration that the planet does. Who did you last walk a dog with? Sara and I walked Buster the last time I was there. It was windy as SHIT so we didn’t get far because my ass was absolutely freezing, all the while Sara was used to it. Ride bikes with? Wow, good question. I haven’t ridden a bike in many, many years. Hold hands with? My friend Summer did yesterday when she was trying to reassure me of something. For what reason did you last high five someone? Ryder and Aubree each caught Pokemon in Pokemon GO. :’’’’) I was watching them in the car while my sister/their mom was doing something at work, and they wanted to play it; they’ve come to learn that between my phone and DS, I’m the Pokemon provider, lol. I was the proudest fucking aunt ever bc they did SO GOOD after getting the hang of throwing the ball like Y’ALL. When Ash came back to the car, I gave ‘em each high fives before getting back in. What color and type is your vehicle? Don’t have my own car. Looking to upgrade or add any time soon? I doubt I’ll have my own soon. What animal do you have the most possessions *of*, or featuring? Like, décor or stuffed animals, things like that? Not the actual living creature? Easily meerkats, holy shit do I have a collection. What do you use to wash your dishes? Gain soap. Last thing you measured? Uhhh idk. Last thing you weighed? Myself. Last song you danced to? *shrug* What do you remember from your dream last night? I just remember it was a nightmare about Dad being angry. How old were you when you got your first credit card? Lol I don’t have one. Do you talk to your parent(s) [almost] every day? Mom, yes. Dad, no, because we don’t live together. What does your shampoo and conditioner smell like? I just started using a Dove brand shampoo targeting dandruff, so I don’t think it has a specific smell. I don’t use conditioner, just adds grease to your hair, plus mine is short anyway. Last person to tell you that you smell good? Idk. Last person you told that they smell good? I also don’t know. If you smoke marijuana, what is your preferred or typical method? I’ve never touched it. Last person you ran into unexpectedly? Ummm idr. How many plants can you see right now? There’re none in my room. Last compliment you received on your appearance? HA On your character/personality? That I was a loving sister. Do you remain friends with anyone you met at your first job? N/A Who have you hugged in the past month? My mom, Summer, sisters, niece and nephew, Dad… Newest musical discovery? 3TEETH is great. Like, I'm obsessed. Their cover of “Pumped Up Kicks” snagged my attention, despite actually being iffy about it at first. Guess what I’m listening to this minute lmao. Last thing you cleaned? A cup. What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? A purse. What do you carry around, typically? Phone, keys, wallet, hand sanitizer, and my iPod are items of note. Where is your newest scar? It’s on the palm of my left hand from Roman playing with me. Where is your oldest scar? Idk. Last thing you disposed of? The milk carton. What was the last picture someone sent you? Mom sent me a gif from Hocus Pocus to fit the witch photoshoot Summer, her friend, and I did. Did you hear a siren today? No. What do you typically drink? I would rather not pretend I tend to drink soda lmao Last bad news you heard? My aunt’s brother committed suicide a couple days ago. Last good news you heard? I don’t really know. How far away is the closest cinema from your house? It’s like, 15-ish minutes away. Have you ever been to the emergency room? Many times. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? Y’all know me and coffee. But in place, I have my morning Mountain Dew, rip in fucking pieces. Have you ever worn fake eyelashes? No, though I’m honestly curious what I’d look like. Do you know the story of how your parents met? If so, tell me? They were coworkers; that’s all I know. What is your favorite Chinese food? I love pork fried rice. Do you live far from your parents? I live with my Mom. I live around 20 minutes or so away from Dad. What was the last hot food you ate? I’m assuming you mean spicy as opposed to just hot as in temperature. In that case, probably hot wings. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. Describe your current position: I’m lying down in bed, just kinda perked up by my two pillows. Have you used a microwave today? Yes; I had a Jimmy Dean breakfast bowl. Do you prefer going out for coffee or brewing your own? N/A Have you consumed caffeine today? If so, in what form? yikes- Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? Not that I know of. Have you killed a bug this week? Yes; we’re dealing with a lovely mix of gnats and fleas. What was the first food you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs. Or maybe pancakes with Mom’s assistance. Idr. Do you have a Bachelor’s degree? If so, what in? No. How many email accounts do you have? Two. Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I like my mom to be with me. How long is your average shower? 15 minutes, maybe? It depends on the routine I feel like doing. When’s the last time you had a headache? Yesterday. What woke you up this morning? I think I woke up naturally? A rare occasion nowadays. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Summer, yesterday.

[kusunogatari]

[ ObiRyū October | Day Twenty-Two: Shopping ] [ @abyssaldespair ] [ Uchiha Obito, Suigin Ryū ] [ Verse: Pretty in Pictures ] [ Previous || Next ]

Slouched on a bench, Obito sits and spins a loose thread from his current attire. It’s been a while since he updated his wardrobe...he’s had more pressing expenses for quite some time.

Of course, rather recently, the most urgent of them has completely disappeared. And thanks to the rather obvious clue left along with the payment made to his account at the hospital, he came to learn he had Ryū to blame for that. She’d claimed it to be a thank-you for his accidental saving of her life that night on the bridge. And though Obito had tried to insist he repay her, she refused...quite adamantly. Though he’d attempted to keep his ties to Itachi and the rest of his family from her, she’d come to question him about it, finding the bill on his entryway table.

Which wasn’t in any way her fault. It was right there in the open, and maybe he didn’t really mind her seeing it. What he did mind was her paying the hefty bill off completely. No strings attached. Apparently she’d been even further motivated by the lack of pity or help from the rest of his family.

The more she learns, the more she seems to be questioning her attachment to dear cousin Itachi. First came her realization that her money and fame as a model was what really caught his attention. Then her rash attempt at suicide...which Obito saved her from without even meaning to. And with his subtle worming into her life in order to usurp any facet of Itachi’s stupid, perfect life...she’s been slowly changing her tune.

Which was all well and good. Obito is no short of jealous of his cousin. That side of the family got all the money, the fortune, the good graces. When Obito has his accident, spent months in the hospital...did they even call? Offer a scrap of help?

...can you blame him for being bitter?

So, after meeting Ryū, he decided to take her uncertainty and just...urge it on a bit. Maybe Obito can’t take Itachi’s good looks or political career or his money...but he can sabotage his relationship. Which, he’ll admit, is mostly done out of vindictiveness...but also because Ryū doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.

...she’s already proven how selfless she is.

Which is why Obito has to be very...careful. Ryū is a sweet, kind, and admittedly beautiful girl. The fact that she’s even noticed him is surprising enough. But even beyond her debt of gratitude, she’s been befriending him! Actually wanting to spend time with him! Him! A wrong-side-of-the-tracks sort of guy. No money, no fame, with a bum leg and a scarred visage. But none of that seems to phase her.

...which is why he’s been attempting to squash a hint of a crush he seems to be forming. He tells himself he’s just lonely. He’s just...clinging onto her kindness. Thinks she’s pretty. He didn’t want to steal her from Itachi, just...break them up! Free her, and make him miserable! A relationship isn’t what he needs.

He...he doesn’t…

Heaving a sigh, he ducks further into himself, shoulders hunching into his sweatshirt. He’s actually currently waiting for her to meet him. She said she wanted to visit, and he gets embarrassed having her at his place, so...hence asking if they could do so elsewhere. What they’re actually going to do, he has no idea. But it’s a little after the time she said she’d be here, and she’s usually so prompt…

A tickle of worry blooms in his gut. Surely she’s just a bit waylaid, but...what if something happened? Should he call her? What if -?

“Obito!”

Startling, he looks over to see her jogging up to him. Dressed in a thick grey sweater dress, she’s got black tights and flat knee-high boots on as she waves to him. “...hey.”

“I’m so sorry, traffic was a nightmare - there was an accident a few streets from my apartment. You haven’t been waiting too long, have you?”

He shrugs. “Nah.” In truth...he was here twenty minutes early, a bit nervous of being late. Add in the time she’s late, and it’s...been a while. But he doesn’t want her feeling bad. Especially since her sheepish smile betrays she really is worried about it. “...‘sides, it’s a nice day. Good to be out of the house.”

That gets her to brighten, and Obito smothers the little jump in his chest at the sight. “Oh, okay! Yes, I love Fall...it’s my favorite season!” Her arms lift, giving a little grin as she shows off her outfit. “”Give me a pumpkin spice latte, and I’d be a poster girl for it, right?”

That earns a small chuckle. “You mean you haven’t done a shoot like that before?”

She pauses. “...actually...I have!” A laugh soon follows, and darn it there goes his chest again… “But that’s not why I’m here!”

“Then...why are you here?”

Mischief glints in her eyes. “Come on, I wanna take you somewhere.”

“...uh -?”

“It’s nothing bad, I promise. I’m parked right over here!”

After a pause, Obito gets up and follows, sliding into the passenger seat of her little silver car. “...you’re not going to tell me?”

“Not until we get there...I don’t want you bailing on me.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t bad?”

“It’s not! But I have a feeling I know how you’re going to react, so...it’s a surprise!” she insists with a little nod, pulling off the curb and back into traffic.

That makes him squint suspiciously. “...now what are you going to try to pay for?”

All she does in response is stick out her tongue, and he groans. “No trying to escape.” A finger pushes the door lock button, earning a snort. “You’re my friend, aren’t you?”

Something about the question makes his chest tighten. “...I think I don’t have much choice.”

“Well, friends do nice things for each other. So...shush.”

“When am I going to be able to do something nice for you?”

“You have!”

“...besides the bridge thing.”

“You still have.” At his perked brow in question, she replies, “...it’s been a long time since I’ve had a real friend. Someone who doesn’t...want something from me. Uses me. That, to me, is enough.”

...his stomach twists in guilt. In a way...isn’t he using her? His scheming to get at Itachi is relying on her leaving him, putting ideas in her head...would she be angry if she found out? It’s still partly for her benefit! But…

“...anyway, we’re almost there, so...just be patient. I’ll only torture you for a little while, I promise.” She pulls off and...into the mall parking lot? Once they park and head inside, she pulls him into a clothing store. Nothing extremely high end, but...still spiffier than anything Obito owns.

His heels dig in. “No...no, you’re not buying me clothes…!”

“Why not?”

“I have clothes!”

Ryū gives him a gentle look. “Obito...they’re falling apart.”

“You already -!”

“I know that! But you said it yourself: it’s my money, and I should use it on things that make me happy. And helping you makes me happy,” she sniffs stubbornly. “I could get more for myself, but work means I already have a full closet. C’mon, Obito...for me?”

His shoulders hunch again with a scowl. He doesn’t want to owe her even more than he already does…! She insists he doesn’t, but he’s not about to let her generosity go unrepaid. “...you could donate the money instead.”

Her expression flattens, pouting. “...if you don’t pick something, I’ll pick it for you, and you’ll be stuck with it!”

A bit of color sparks in his cheeks. So, what...he’s a doll for her to dress up, now? Part of him stubbornly insists he should be insulted, but...he knows well enough that’s not her intention. She really is just trying to be nice. Besides...maybe with some new threads, he’ll have better luck trying to pick up jobs… “...all right, fine. But this is going on my IOU tab.”

“You don’t owe me -!”

“Not listening,” he cuts in, walking past her into the store. At least nothing in here is stupidly expensive...he’d riot. But then again, she likely thought of that: that he’d feel uncomfortable in a place like that. He’s not his cousins.

For a while he just...awkwardly shuffle around, perusing as Ryū looks over things on her own. Then he grabs a shirt...and then some pants...and a few more things...until he has a whole armload, much to his dismay.

“Try them on!” Ryū insists, urging him to the changing rooms. “I want to see!”

Flushed and flustered, he awkwardly switches between wardrobes, earning smiles and thumbs-up each time.

“Get them all!”

“But -?”

“And look again, you might’ve missed something! Oh, and some shoes, too!”

Cut off in his retorts, he lets her steer him back into the racks, almost feeling like a kid being taken school clothes shopping by an overly-excited mother. A few more things join the pile, and Ryū seems to consider if he needs anything else.

“This is plenty,” he persists through clenched teeth, making her laugh.

“Okay, okay!” Still looking amused at his embarrassment, Ryū takes their selection to the counter and makes to pay as Obito lurks beside her.

As he checks their things, the cashier looks to the clothes, to Obito, and then to Ryū, expression clearly quizzical. Then a thought seems to click, and he busies himself almost hurriedly, avoiding their eyes.

Frowning, Obito mulls it over for a moment before the same thought hits him like a train, face exploding into color.

She looks like his sugar mama!

About-facing and mortified, he tries to fight the heat in his face as Ryū finishes up, hefting a few bags. “...Obito?”

“Heh?”

“Are you all right?”

“Fine! Er...fine. Just remembered I’ve got some...errands to run.”

“...oh! Want me to drive you?”

“No! No, that’s...that’s fine. I should head home first.”

Head tilting curiously, Ryū shrugs, accepting as he gestures to take the bags. “Well...we’ve got you some fresh clothes, and now I’m happy!”

“...thank you.”

She beams. “You’re welcome.”

The pair grab some quick lunch in the food court (which Obito insists on paying for), chatting leisurely amidst the crowds. A few people seem to stop and stare, recognizing the model from a distance but not daring to get closer with Obito sitting with her.

...and he can’t help a few subtle, warning glares whenever Ryū isn’t looking. She’s just out minding her own business, for Pete’s sake. Leave her alone!

“Well...anything else you want to do?”

“No, I...I better get home.”

“Okay…” Ryū sighs. “Well, at least it was a nice morning off.”

That gets him to pause. She...wants to be with him more? But he already told her he’s got errands...he doesn’t want her buying him anything else! “Uh...well, we’ll have to do something else soon. But no more shopping sprees.”

That earns a giggle, her mood (and his) perking back up. “Okay! I really do feel a lot better knowing you’ll have some better clothes, especially as the weather gets colder.” A warm smile lifts her lips. “You’ll have to wear some next time!”

“...yeah…”

They drive back to his apartment building, Ryū insisting on taking him to his door despite his refute. “Just to make sure you get in okay,” is her reason.

After a bit of thought, he realizes she likely knows he’s liable to be robbed with his arms full of stuff if he goes alone, trying to juggle his keys to the door. But once he sets things down, he shoos her off. His place is a bit of a mess, she doesn’t need to see it!

“I had fun today,” Ryū offers earnestly.

“Yeah...me too. You really didn’t have to -”

She cuts him off with a finger to her lips, winking. “No takebacksies! You’re stuck with it, I’m afraid.”

He just sighs.

“Well...guess I’ll see you around, huh?”

“Yeah. Take care, okay?”

“I will...and you too, Obito.” Giving him one last smile, she turns and heads back out, Obito moving to a window to let him see her get safely in her car and pulling away.

For a moment, he just stands and smiles, replaying the morning over in his mind. It really was fun...even if also embarrassing. But his pride can take a hit or two.

Turning back to his apartment, however...he slowly wilts as the silence seems to ring. Well...he better get those clothes washed and hung up. Besides...he has to pick out an outfit for next time.

     Sooo, this is a random snippet that's not necessarily "canon" in the Pretty in Pictures verse! There's a chapter up on this account, and also another snippet (from later on in the story) on the RP blog...which isn't posted here because it's gonna be in the fic later. I just had to write it out at some point cuz it was driving me nuts xD      ANYWAY, just Ryū bein' Ryū and spoiling her new /friend/...x3 At least, she thinks they're friends. Obito is having second thoughts, lol - she's still technically with Itachi at this point, and she's not the cheatin' type, so to her it's still 100% platonic. But that'll change later ;3c      But uhhh...yeah! That's all for today lol - thanks for reading!

[jarodissad]

2020 resolutions :-)

hey, so it’s that time of year again, time to make some new year’s resolutions and try super hard to become a better person! 

i know time is an illusion and i can start improving my life at any time, but something just feels good about stuff like this, you know? anywhoooooo

i succeeded at a few things from last year, but failed at a few and that’s okay!! it’s all about forward motion and small improvements and all that shit. some of these may be straight up copy/pastes from last year!

my friend trayce had a great idea which i’m going to steal going into the new year where he treats every month like a new year. at the end of every month he’s gonna come up with one or two new resolutions for the next and make adjustments on previous ones if needed. i’m definitely gonna adopt that mindset as well but overall, here are some things i’d like to accomplish. 

✦ become less reliant on phone/social media. i think for january i’m going to delete all the social media apps off my phone (with the exception of tumblr, because that’s not really social media to me. all i do is look at dnd and art stuff.) so the only way i can view it is on my laptop. this will hopefully make me less addicted to it like i have been and hopefully will be a good start to me getting rid of it/being less reliant on it as a whole. as far as the phone in general goes, with the exception of turning off my alarm in the morning and using it for music in the gym, i’m going to try not to look at it casually until after breakfast. this includes texts (assuming they aren’t urget) emails, social media (once it’s back), games and checking my bank lol. i’m hoping this will help with my insecurities, inability to make good conversation, and make me less depressed because shit like twitter and facebook can be SUPER toxic. 

✦ remove negativity from my life. this was one last year which i’m not sure i did a great job at keeping up on. i think it’s important to access your life here and there and learn to cut out the fat. if something isn’t benefiting your life more so than it hinders it, begone with it. if a habit or trend you’ve found yourself in is hurting you, get it outta here. just normal stuff like that. how can i be my happiest?

✦ be smarter and more efficent with my money. i’m so bad with money. i have to learn how to save and spend less frugally. gonna do small stuff like stop buying more food than i’m gonna eat when i get fast food, not buying food just when im bored, being okay with saying no to invites to dinner sometimes? “i dont have the money, but let’s catch up after!” i recently got a new job which pays super well and will allow me to put $100-$200 in my savings every other week and still cover my monthly expenses. this is a very good step.  

✦ gym. i’m much closer to my goal now than i was last year and i’m very happy about that but i still have some work to do. i’m starting off 2020 in a strange predicament where i’m not gonna be in ohio, with access to my gym, for the first half of january. not to mention my new job mostly works me mornings so im not able to go to the gym in the morning as often as i have been which is lame. gotta find a way around that and start going 3 days a week. i’d love to go 3 days a week EVERY week starting in feb. lets see if i can do it!

✦ cook more! i mean come on, what more can i say? i wanna try new recipes, meal prep for work lunches and dinners when i get home, plan fresh meals, cut out fast food, etc. 

✦ go on more walks. my pup deserves to be walked more, i gotta help him out u know?

✦ take more photos. they don’t have to be planned or posed, but i would just love more pictures of/with my friends.

that’s about it for right now! i guarantee i’ll reblog this with more things when i think of them but these are the main things i want to accomplish. there's plenty of fun stuff i wanna do in 2020 that i wouldnt consider ‘resolutions’. another boys camping trip, another visit to florida to see connor, see trayce and sheldon again, get a house with the boys, another ren faire trip, maybe 2! i want to watch some more movies, i want to make a new short film, i want to be selfish (when appropriate) and be happy. i’m excited for the new year and i’m excited to get out of this depressive hole i’ve found myself in.

i’m gonna follow up this post with my fav photos from this year :-)

[jrangermachine-blog]

Tales From the Checkout Line

TALES FROM THE CHECK OUT LINE

By JR

 Chapter 1:

This Job was an Escape Hatch…It Led to Another Trap

           Two years ago, I hated my job. I had a genius idea: quit it and go work my old grocery store gig from college. At the time looked at the experience as a fond return. I didn’t like internet marketing much either and in my mind I was leaving the corporate world to return to my youth and perhaps find my roots. I’d worked at this grocery store while I was in college (though at a different college, not the one near the store) and it had been wonderful….or perhaps that was how I remembered it. I liked the physical labor and I’d enjoyed my regulars the people who always came in. The store wasn’t far from a section 8 building and I found the customers who walked to the store from there were interesting and funny and made an otherwise mundane experience, relatively enjoyable. These were some of the realest people I knew during my time there.

           So, when I returned in the summer of 2017 I was looking forward to more of the same. My situation was such that I  could work part time and concentrate on my fiction writing. I foresaw a magical rebirth of past experiences, old memories coming alive again. It was summertime and I would be happy again. Everything would be different in the warm weather. The time would be slower, and the pace of the city could be more conducive to the pace my mind runs at. I could stock bags and ring up people in exchange for this.

           There were good people when I first came back. I enjoyed being there. I wouldn’t say they were the most productive group of people, but they were great to be around. There was Frank in the deli. He was this hilarious guy who always wore a comb in his hair and used to sing rap songs while we were closing. There was Sara, this heavyset tall woman with long black hair. She worked in the deli too and occasionally did some work in the back room.

           I remember there was this one night when Frank had a hip hop show in town and I went to it. Afterwards we all went out for drinks in the city and just shot the shit for several hours. At this point, I didn’t even feel like I was at work. I only came in a few days a week. It was great.

           Then about a year ago I had a genius idea to start working 5 days a week there….well 6 days initially. I made A LOT more money and become  A HELL OF A LOT more miserable. There was a direct correlation between the hours I worked and the unhappiness I felt.

           I’ve been doing this for about a year now. I don’t enjoy it and I’m actively looking for a  new job right now….these are my observations about working here over the years.

 Chapter 2:

The Illogical Cash Register Policy

           One of the things that drives me nuts about working here is the non-committal approach to EVERYTHING. Our policies are one thing on Tuesday and something completely different by Friday. There’s no reason to it. One of the areas I notice this is at the cash register.

           During the day, it’s essentially a non-issue  because there isn’t as much business as there is at night. We only need one cashier to handle the traffic at that time. Occasionally there might be a long line but provided something crazy isn’t going on in the back room, we can usually have a person open up to cover the spill over traffic.

           At night though…that’s when shit becomes infuriating, specifically on Friday night. So, the thing is it’s a family owned grocery store. The owner only works during the day and at night he’s at home. He’s at home, but that isn’t to say he isn’t watching things. About a year ago, they had cameras and microphones installed in the store so they could spy on the employees. Nico, the manager who I work with day to day, claimed they were for security. The point he stressed was that these cameras would be vital to everyone’s safety. I’ve got issues with this claim and with surveillance in general, but ignoring that, I think everyone knew that the installation of cameras would implicitly give them the ability to spy on anything and anyone at any time…and who’s in the store longer and more often than the employees?

           So, cut back to Friday nights at the store. Statistically, it’s a busy time for us. It’s the time when we do the most sales and it makes sense. It’s the weekend and these college kids want to get drunk. We supply the beer and they come buy it. So, the store wants us up by the registers most of the time when this is going on. They specifically want two cashiers if there is a line of more than two people. Gretchen, an older lady who works a second job, more or less sits on the primary register. She stays up front. As the back up cashier, my job is to maintain the aisles and stock/fix shelves if they become depleted. In the event that there’s a line I’m expected to open up immediately. The assumption is always that the owner could be watching at any time. Of course, he could be sitting outside enjoying the sunset or appreciating the life that his 50 plus years in the business have afforded him. But, he chooses to log in to his computer and watch what we do. So, if anything is going on that he doesn’t like, he’s not the least bit shy about calling his son Nico and asking him to bitch at us. So, I have to operate with the expectation that any moment this man is watching the camera and may be displeased.

           As part of my shelf facing/store maintenance duties that I do in addition to running the register, I also need to check dates on things sometimes. When things expire it puts us at risk just as much as it does the people who might by them. If a health inspector comes in and sees something out of date we could get in trouble. Checking the dates on these things is important and I believe in doing right so I take my time, I pull things out from the shelf completely to make sure nothing with a different date is hiding in the back. Unbeknownst to me, a line might be building in the front and all of the sudden I’m needed. I have no idea that this is happening and now I have to stop whatever I’m doing and go take care of these people, even if I’m right in the middle of it. Sometimes, I take care of the customers for like 20 minutes and then I’ll go back to what I was doing and find that one of the managers has put all the items back on the shelf! So, I need to start all over again! This has happened multiple times AND IT’S INFURIATING!

           As an added treat to my Friday routine, the owner of the store will sometimes be watching the surveillance cameras from his house. If he happens to see there’s a line by the register and that I’m not there IMMEDIAETLY, he calls the store to complain about it. So more or less, I have to remain by the register in order to satisfy his desire that nobody waits ever.

           So, what follows is the owner and his son Nico come in the next day, Saturday now, and they’re upset that the shelves weren’t faced as much or they’re mad because a bunch of things expired. The thing is you can’t have it both ways. They completely overlook the fact that for most of the evening I was covering the register and collecting cash for them. It leaves me feeling rather frustrated. If you’re going to have someone find things that are expired and face the shelves well then hire another person or ask someone else to fill in on the shift to augment the staff.

           In fairness to them, it’s a small store. They aren’t a chain or anything. Its family run and they’ve only got so much money. They’ve got competition from people who buy online and at bigger stores in the area which are chains. It makes sense that there isn’t a pool full of money waiting around to be poured into. BUT, they’ve done a lot of work to renovate the store and make changes to it. They should have planned for that expense instead of banking on people to simply tolerate these kinds of working conditions. I’ve been at good companies and bad companies and the places that do the best work generally had happier employees who cared about the store. It’s leaderships responsibility to set the pace of how things will go. If you work in a company where the leaders are realistic and are prepared to take care of their employees and make the place a good environment, you get a really good company where people do good work. If you get shitty, entitled leaders who don’t understand the challenges their employees face fully, you can expect lousy results.

           95% of the reason I don’t want to be here anymore, is because of how I feel about the people who own the store. I guess I thought that would change magically because I’m an adult and no longer a teenager…or maybe I just told myself it would be worth it because there were other aspects of the job I enjoyed….only…….what are those other aspects again?

  Chapter 3:

The Dreaded Section 8 People and How Their Petty Theft is What’s Secretly Killing Our Business. (Duhn Duhn Duhn!)

           As I’ve mentioned previously, our store isn’t far from Section 8 housing. The building is used to house the disabled and old people. Some of them have mental and financial issues and they don’t always conduct themselves in a way that the pretty white people of this rich college town would like. Sometimes they come into the store drunk or high. Some of them yell or curse for no reason. Occasionally some of them steal things.

           About six months ago I got a text in the morning from Nico, my boss. I wasn’t due at work for another four hours, but he decided it couldn’t wait. It was a video clip of a guy walking into the store and stealing a can of beer out of the cooler. He tucked it in his jacket and walked out of the store. I recognized the man in the video. He’d stolen from us once before and my boss had made quite the show of it.

           I came into the store later on that day and my boss called me back into the office.

           “I want you to see something,” he said.

He hadn’t looked at me yet. He was gazing at the computer and fondling the mouse. He clicked open to the video, but this time it was at a different angle. At this angle, you could see that I was in the shot. The video was from the previous night. In the video, you could see I was hunched over some products trying to pull them forward. The guy was in the same aisle as me, maybe ten feet down. He looked at me to see if I was watching, stuck the beer in his pocket and walked out.

“How does that happen?” Nico said.  “How does he feel comfortable enough that he can just take the beer can and walk out with it….you weren’t watching him.”

“I was facing your shelves,” I said.

“Well it doesn’t matter we need to…”

What followed was a speech about how I need to play security guard and profile people based on how they look and whether or not I can read their mind and determine they’re about to steal something.

“I hate to say it JR, but we need to start profiling people…” he said.

“I don’t think that guy who stole you from…” I started to say.

“That NIGGER. You mean that nigger that just stole from me?”

I was quiet after that because some things you just don’t have a response to.

           Let’s leave the racism aside for a moment, although it’s difficult to do that since the people who own and run this business tie almost everything wrong with the store back to race stereotypes. Now granted, I don’t condone stealing. It’s wrong and the business owners have every right to be upset. After all, they paid money for the products and when people take them it’s not good thing. Theoretically, it could cut into our profits if it happened enough. I get that.

           But let’s do some math here, since at the end of the day that’s all determining your profits is about, doing math. We probably get 50 boxes at least of perishable items like produce  twice a week. Each case is probably worth $20 low end. So that’s $1,000 twice a week. So, $2,000 on produce right there. Of those 50 boxes we probably have to throw out or not use 5 of them each week. So, $100 a week are just thrown out or not used. 52 weeks in a year, that’s $5,200 thrown in the fucking trash.

           Flip side, we’ve got the occasional theft. Let’s allow that it happens, I don’t know three times a month, I’m being generous here, I don’t think it happens even that much. Let’s say it’s a $10 loss each time. So, $30 a month gone. That’s $360 a year.

           $360 a year lost to theft versus $5,200 a year lost because the owner doesn’t want to eliminate some of the produce….and the $5,200 was only for the produce, that’s not counting the boxes of cookies and crackers and cartons of yogurt and milk that expire. So, even when I’m liberal with the amount of money people steal and conservative with the amount of money we lose of our own accord, the difference is still staggering.

           So, given this, why has my boss spent an hour talking to the police on multiple occasions, to stop a $30 a month problem, but he hasn’t spent time trying to figure out which grocery products he should eliminate. How does he rationalize this fixation on the petty theft by homeless and mentally disabled people?

           Ah, and now we can bring race in. The most frequent claim by my bosses is that it’s the blacks who are stealing. They’ve actually had me, or my coworkers stop what we’re doing and spy on black people, which is extremely uncomfortable and also a monumental waste of time. I’ve paid attention to who steals, and the common denominator isn’t race at all. It’s social and financial circumstances. It’s the people who live in that building who are poor and whose brains work differently than the average person’s. These aren’t black people specifically. These are desperate people with disabilities.

So, when my boss says to me things like “JR, we need to start profiling people,”  what I want say in response is “How? How do you read somebody’s mind and tell they’re desperate? Do you want me to go up to everyone in the store with slightly baggy clothing and a tan and accost them?” Hmmm, as a matter of fact, I think that’s  EXACTLY what they want me to do!

I’m not asking the store owners to finance people’s criminal activities. I’m not suggesting they shouldn’t confront people who ACTUALLY steal. But I think they should be realistic about it. It’s not exclusively black people and the frequency with which it happens doesn’t even begin to justify the energy we exhaust chasing people down these blind alleys. We have more vital things to focus on. The other day I was working at the register and I saw two of my coworkers carrying out 30 boxes of these weird off brand cookies that never sell. The boss had purchased them hoping they would. They were expired, every last one.

The next time they ask me to spy on a black person I’m tying my fucking shoelaces…

[theotherthoughtsofmdsmith-blog]

Tumblr, Attempt #?

So, here I go again trying another tumblr account. I have had some in the past, but kinda just stop using it after a bit. So I’m trying again, this time just giving myself a place to write, and just write.

I may write some poetry from time to time, likely rant a lot. Sometimes just put my thoughts out there, because I’m a weird individual that just likes to publish his thoughts. I stopped doing it for a while because I was afraid of being judged and frankly, afraid of putting those I love in awkward situations.

While I still worry about that, I noticed that really, over the past few years, my mental health has deteriorated. Enough so, that while I’m seeking medical help, I also just need a safe place to put these thoughts.

So, lets start.

I’m 30, married and have a less than 1year old Son. While I’m married, I’m currently separated. We’re seeking help, but to be frank, the separation is my fault. I’ve had a large integrity...well honesty issue my entire life. And well, that issue reared its ugly head about 3-4 months ago, causing my life to be thrown into a blender.

The issue was this: I was feeling depressed and uh...dammit, what’s the word? Uh...passion-less, ahhh here’s the word. Purpose-less. I was feeling depressed and purposeless and at the time this started (about 6 months ago) I started kinda distancing myself from everyone, well distancing myself is a nice way to put it. I began lying to everyone, lying about how I was feeling including lying to my therapist. I was lying about going to work consistently, I was going to work maybe, MAYBE 50% of the time. And well, I was in a trade job, and getting paid more than I have ever been paid, and in this particular trade, if I didn’t work, I wouldn’t get paid. There was no paid vacation or personal days, or even benefits. So missing work meant that I was missing income, which is needed for my family.

Now, of course, I write this with that 20/20 past perspective. I see all that I should have done, and regret not doing it. But I know that 1) I can’t go back and change it, and that 2) my feelings were what they were at the time. Truth is, I know NOW that my feeling of purposelessness was partially because depression is a bitch. But also because my purposelessness was selfish. Fact is, I’m a father, I’m a husband, providing for my family should be my primary purpose anymore.

Granted, I admit that is hard. For as long as I can remember I always had goals, I wanted to go to a specific college, I wanted to make a specific choir, I wanted to work in a specific area of the US, I wanted to work a specific career. When I met my girlfriend (now wife) I began reevaluating those things, this woman was wonderful, she fit the things I had always asked for and prayed for, she even carried similar (but different) baggage that I knew was something that we could “bond” over and get stronger together at. I also knew she was different than me in key areas that could push me and help me. 

My first mistake is that I began seeing those differences as a burden and hindrance, instead of seeing how it would help me. My second mistake was that I began not cherishing her, not being grateful for her. My third (and worst) mistake is that I began treating her how I treat so many of those who I’m close to, I began viewing her as someone to manipulate. Now, I guess I should clarify, I guess I really don’t view EVERYONE that is close to me as someone I can manipulate. But my general MO in life has always been to use resources, when I was a kid, I’d steal money from my parents to get or do whatever I wanted. I once lived with my best friend and we both smoked weed, when he went out of town for work, I’d smoke his weed because I was out and I wanted some. With my wife, I would lie to avoid confrontation, I would pawn her stuff to pay bills, even making the large mistake of pawning her wedding ring just so I could pay rent. Of course I had plans to get those things back so she wouldn’t find out, but, in retrospect, it would have sent us 1) in further debt and 2) the damage really had been done (both to my self and to her).

So, over the course of our first few years of marriage I had/have broke the thing which is paramount to any marriage. Trust.

So, going back to about 3-4 months ago. My wife finds out that I haven’t really been going to work, and been lying about a lot again. Needless to say, ALL THE SHIT hits the fan. And rightfully/understandably so. My wife didn’t feel comfortable with me staying at home and she needed me to get a job, oh and there were some mutual friends we both had that I couldn’t stay with, to avoid any kind of awkward situation. Unfortunately for me, all my friends that aren’t mutual, do not live in the same area as myself. So, I was stuck sleeping in my car while I found a job.

Fast forward about 3 weeks, I’ve got a job, and I’m allowed to stay with one of our mutual friends who has an understanding of what’s going on. I’m still not allowed to stay at the house, which honestly, I understand completely. My wife is processing about 3 years of me being...well...an asshole, an asshole that would have been kicked out by ANYBODY.

Fast forward to now.

Frankly, I’m not sure WHAT to write at this point.

Truth is, I miss my wife, and I miss my son. We’re at a point where now I get to see him once a week and it may be the most exciting thing to happen in the past few months. I’ve missed him enormously, I’ve missed him growing, learning to crawl, and more. He might be what I miss the most, but barely, BARELY, edging out my wife. I miss her, I miss her smile (even when she was putting it on to try to keep the peace), I miss her curves, I miss her face she makes when she’s annoyed by me. (which I admit, I need to learn to figure out how to process that because honestly, it hurts when she’s annoyed by things that are just kinda intrinsically part of my personality) I miss cuddling with her, I miss her voice, I miss her insight into things, I really miss watching things with her, I desperately miss enjoying geeky things together ( we both really love The Game Theorists) I also really miss sharing our interests.

Looking back at the 3ish weeks in my car though. It does make me think, 1) that I can survive sleeping my car for an extended period of time and use resources around me for basic hygiene. 2) that I’m seriously fortunate to have a roof over my head, a basic place to sleep that fits me (at 6′ 190″ there are very few vehicles that I could sleep in comfortably), running water, and have food to eat. ( I wasn’t starving for those 3 weeks, but I wasn’t eating healthy by any means (i’m looking at you Sodium and Carbs Maruchan Ramen)) and 3) that I’m very lucky to live in an area where there are places that you can spend a day when you’re not job looking, and use their internet for additional job looking and entertainment.

Right now, I’m lonely and uncomfortable with it. But, I’m able to write this using internet, while listening to movie commentary. And I am unbelievably fortunate. I’m also fortunate that I found a job that I think fits me very well, keeps me on my feet, and is a job that I have benefits, paid vacation and personal days, and pays well enough that even in an expensive AF place like LA I could have a decent quality of life. (for the record, I’m not in LA, but I lived there for a few months once and that place is expensive as hell, and I’m making more now than what I did back then, so that’s my reference point.) Oh, and I have a second job to help pay rent since I’ve been here for a while, pay off my credit card (that has been invaluable since this shit hit the fan), and buy gas and food.

Anyway, I think I have sufficiently brain-dumped for this post.

In the future, it won’t always be this long of a post, or even this heavy. I’m likely to write thoughts on movies or TV shows I’m currently watching. Occasionally poetry (because I’ve found over the past couple few months, that writing poetry, even if it’s shitty has really helped me) or maybe something mildly intellectual about story writing or analytical about entertainment. Because that’s how my brain works.

Anyway signing off.

[fuck-customers]

Guy comes into my store about a week ago. We're what half the locals call "the last great store in town" and the other half call "that hippie/[g-slur] store on the corner of Main and Perkins." Lots of local crafts, lots of crystals and incense, lots of dragon/fairy/unicorn/skull statuary, lots of tapestries and tye-dye clothes and bellydancing accessories - you get the idea. This guy - Im'ma call him Dudebro for reasons you'll understand in a minute - comes in and wants to know if we'll let him display and/or sell some painting of his own creation in our store. Fair enough; about a third of our inventory is consignment, and half of that is local jade/wood/glass work. I'm new like a spring bud, so I pop into the back and ask the manager (we'll call her M.) M says it's the owner's call, and the owner does not work today. M instructs me to pass that information into Dudebro with the additional note that if he brings his painting in on any weekday after noon, the owner will be in and happy to look at his painting and potentially they can work out a deal. Cool, I got the info I need. I go out and tell Dudebro. And then reiterate for him, using smaller words, when he asks again. And then ask M to explain to him when he still does not seem to understand that we cannot give him an answer one way or the other because it's the owner's call and we are not either one the owner. Third time's the charm and Dudebro finally stops asking. Says he's gonna browse a little bit. Cool; M goes back to the back, I continue restocking votives and votive holders. Dudebro finds our tingshas. Dudebro proceeds to wander around the store loudly clapping a set together - loud enough that the sound is piercing to a painful degree. The tingshas are crying out in pain. This in spite of the MULTIPLE signs we have around ALL of our windchimes and musical instruments asking that the customers be GENTLE with them unless and until they purchase one for themselves. If they damage an item and do not buy it, we're stuck having to discount that damaged item - or take it off the floor completely. We do not want to lose money because a customer has the impulse control of a very easily riled toddler. M and I both ask Dudebro to be gentle with the tingshas; this is when the trouble starts. Dudebro gets a pouty set to his face, mumbles something about how nice the tingshas sound, and puts the set he's kidnapped back on the display. I fight the urge to charge over and check for dents, scuffs, or scratches. Dudebro wanders around the tumbled stones for an uncomfortable amount of time; they're out in the open and run for less than a dollar per stone, but Dudebro is beginning to make me uncomfortable. I've worked retail for about four years off and on; I know a sketchy customer when I see one, and Dudebro is beginning to set off alarm bells. He's not incredibly fidgety or shifty-eyed; instead, he's suddenly very, very still and subtle with his body language. He looks like he suddenly doesn't want attention of any sort. The tumbled stones are right next to the cash wrap, so I head up there and busy myself with polishing the silver rings and pendants we have in the display cases that make up the ‘walls’ of the cash wrap. I'm watching this guy out of the corner of my eye. He's uncomfortable, and he's starting to make me uncomfortable, too. Dudebro comes up to the display cases and asks to see a turtle pendant. Sure thing, pal - I slide the door open and retrieve the pendant, then watch as he inspects it under his phone's flashlight for a solid two minutes. He looks like every person you've ever seen inspecting a large gemstone in a heist movie. If he's looking for the stamp they sometimes put in sterling silver to mark it as genuine, he's blind as a bat - it's plain to see even across the case. Dudebro finally asks to see a second pendant - without returning the first. Problem. The store policy - as set by the store owner, who pays all the rest of us and can fire any of us at any time, for any reason, because we're an independently owned shop - is that we may only remove one piece from the display cases at a time, per customer. Display case items are among our most expensive and easiest to pocket items. Better somebody bolts with one ring than an entire tray. For the most part, our customers are either longtime shoppers who know and accept this as part of the experience here, or have not shopped from the case before, but are chill upon hearing the policy. I figure Dudebro is the latter, and politely inform him of store policy. Dudebro turns out to be the third type of customer - the Very Indignant, Mortally Offended Pinnacle of Good Moral Fiber Who Would Never Ever Dream of Stealing, Honestly. The kind who only raise so much fuss over a business protecting itself because they were absolutely toying with the idea of dashing away with some merchandise exactly 0.67 seconds before the policy was made clear to them, and now feel defensive because chill is a foreign concept to them. Dudebro: “I'm not gonna steal it or anything.” M: “We aren't saying that you are. It's just the store policy.” Dudebro: “Well, yeah, but I mean, I'm not gonna run off with anything.” *fratboy laugh* Me: “I know, but it's the policy - it's up to our boss.” Dudebro: “I mean, that seems a little unfair, isn't it?” This goes on for several minutes as he keeps looking at new pieces and I'm all but forcing him to swap one item for the next. I should point out that Dudebro is very very white, very very local (not somebody I know but the accent is an exact match for the area), is probably around 25-30, and stinks of stale fire whisky at two in the afternoon. He's not really a target group for discrimination, least of all from two white chicks around his age working in a store that sells Buddhist iconography alongside wooden keepsake boxes embellished with the Eye of Horus. Fifteen minutes into the argument: M: “Sir, it is the policy our owner has set. We do not have the authority to break policy without her permission, and she isn't here right now.” Dudebro: “Okay, dude, chill! Calm down, I'm just saying.” Me: “We are calm, sir.” (A tiny lie. I'm about to see whether I can huck roughly a hundred and fifty pounds of twiggy dirtbag through plate glass. I decide not to mention this to Dudebro; after all, the feeling I'm getting from him has progressed to an icy chill that feels awfully calm, in the same way the ocean looks calm right before a huge storm.) Dudebro mutters some exceptionally derogatory commentary - too low for M to catch where she's standing, but I hear it plain as day. Dudebro is calling us bitchy - to put it mildly. I'm opening my mouth to tell him off when he suddenly hears the music we're playing (the particular song was an instrumental piece suited to gradually faster circle dances) and proceeds to dance. All while holding a display pendant and grinning an absolutely unhinged grin. I am just a little over five feet tall. I do not like people who are that derogatory suddenly bursting into dance and grinning at me like a mad hare. Dudebro has officially become a Threat. Dudebro: “You guys are so boring. Why don't you lighten up? Look at where you work, I'd be dancing all day.” M does not respond. I do not verbally respond - but Dudebro decides to engage in a staring contest with me, while I'm standing there sheet-pale with legitimate fury and biting the inside of my cheek to keep from telling him exactly where he can go dance. I win the staring contest. Of course I win it; I mastered the Kubrick stare in high school. This ain't high school anymore. Dudebro: “You don't really seem to have any other customers in here. You should probably treat me better. You probably need the business.” We don't need you or your filthy money, Dudebro. You are one in a sea of hundreds, and a new face besides. Nice try. When this doesn't work, Dudebro decides to start LOUDLY proclaiming that our display pieces all look fake and probably are “fake, plastic crap.” M: “You need to get out.” Dudebro: “I'm gonna buy something, though.” M: “Then get it and leave. You've got thirty seconds.” Dudebro: “Okay, but I'm gonna buy a lot of stuff.” M: “Twenty-five seconds.” Dudebro: “But--” I am not paid to intervene. I am seasonal help. I do not like conflict. I like Dudebro much, much less. Me: “SHE TOLD YOU TO GET OUT.” Dudebro: “Okay, okay, chill, Jesus!” Me & M: “NOW.” Dudebro manages to dick around another full minute after buying his single pendant (at a truly whopping $32 - really, however would we have survived without his enormous purchase gracing our rundown little shack //heavy sarcasm) before M comes out from around the counter and bodily herds him out the door. As he's leaving, Dudebro decides to be cute. Dudebro: “I hope nobody steals from you, and that nobody tries to rob you.” We both know what you look like, Dudebro. Thank you for incriminating yourself should anything go missing while you're within view of the storefront. Jackass. Dudebro came back a few days later to talk to the owner. He didn't stick around; M and I were working that day, too, and M very ostentatiously pulled the owner aside for a chat the second Dudebro came in. He hasn't been back since.

[feelings-at-3am-blog]

To My Family

I broke my family. They found out about my issues, how bad it all is, the reason I ended up in hospital in the first place. It was confronting, and I knew nothing would be the same, like how it was before. My parents walked on eggshells, worried they would say something that would trigger another episode, do something that would push me right back to that point again. I didn't know how to tell them, how to speak to them about what was going on with me, all I knew what that I broke them and they didn't know why.

I realised I'm better writing words than speaking them so, at 4am I sat down at my computer, opened a word document and started typing.

This is how I explained to my family, how I told them what is storming inside me...

Hey mum, Hey dad… and Trishicus too…

First, I want to just say that… I wasn’t okay with saying any of this out loud to you, I felt if I did I’d probably start crying and end up not being able to say any of it. I don’t talk about my emotions or problems. I don’t share my feelings, it’s not who I am, it’s really not who I grew up to be, and even writing this letter makes me feel… so much.

I know you’ve been wondering why. What went wrong and what’s going on, so I’m gonna try and answer that as best I can.

You did nothing wrong. It’s not your fault. You loved me and raised me to be "a strong independent woman who don’t need no bitch ass people telling me what to do". You taught me how to be brave, how to be strong, you taught me how to believe in myself and dream. It’s not your fault, it is never your fault, what’s going on with me.

The one at fault to start with is Nan and Pop. They were the ones who made me feel unimportant, useless, pathetic and even fat at times. I constantly felt I had to prove myself to them to make them like me, or even acknowledge my presence. I felt like I always had to prove myself better than Wayne to them and that nothing I did was ever good enough for them. I saw the way they treated him and the others like I was the afterthought to the grandkids. After my 14th birthday when I had asked for my ID bracelet and even showed nan and pop the one I wanted it wasn’t big is wasn’t even expensive and they ended up getting me the one I have now from them (albeit the only good thing they’ve ever given me) I realised just how much I meant to them. For a good six months especially name kept going on how much is cost her and that I should cherish it until I die, like it was a task to spend that much (like 50-60$ from memory) and that they hadn’t wanted to in the first place, like I wasn’t worthy of it enough or something.

It was around then that the bullying in school started. I didn’t tell you how bad it was because I didn’t want it to get worse (not that it didn’t anyway), I could handle myself you know that, and I had my ways of dealing with it and telling you just… It’s not who I am. It was terrible in year ten (remember when I was in my emo phase… that hasn’t really ended I guess), that year I got to school one day in March, and my group of friends didn’t want to talk to me… I didn’t know why and none of them would tell me what I had done. It took me three weeks to find out that Stacie had read one of the short stories I used to write back then and took it all out of context and the wrong way, saying that I was spreading rumours and lying about them (I didn’t change the names of the characters for privacy and policy reasons back then because you know I was young and stupid). After that fight, they kicked me out of the group. And then about a month after that, the rumours and lies about me got so bad to the point where no one in my grade would talk to me. The rumours make me laugh now, my top three…

1.       I’m was a slut that slept around with everyone including the teachers as well as stealing other people’s boyfriends because I was easy 2.       I did drugs (I laugh hard when I think about this one) 3.       And I was a troublemaker (think the bad girl who rides the motorcycle with her biker boyfriend in the movies and you get the picture)

No one would look at me let alone talk to me, and it went on right till the end of the year. I decided the best way to fix the problem was to take myself out of the picture. Not kill myself (not then anyway) but to leave the groups and areas they hung around to escape the bullying. I ended up hanging with a group of geeks and nerds from my grade that were friends with the same types from the other grades. They were really great and didn’t care about the rumours or lies that were being spread. I had people to talk to and eventually I was happy again. I don’t know what happened around October but Stacie and Carly ended up talking to me in class one day around then, and I asked them what the hell was going on. They didn’t apologise they just told me I guess they wanted to be my friend again. I was sceptical and reserved, but eventually, by November I was sitting back with them and talking to them again, with everyone else talking to me again as well. The rumours were still around but were more whispers really.

By that point though… the bullying had reached a pretty bad point with some of the kids some not even in my grade telling me the world would be better off if I were dead, they would all be better off if I just killed myself. And I believed it, back then I absolutely believed it. That I was useless and pathetic and stupid and no one would care if I was gone.

Those thoughts got really bad in year 11 when I started self-harming. I don’t know if you knew, but I did. I used to cut my thighs because I could hide them from everyone and no one would know. It wasn’t about ending my life, it was about relief. The pain used to remind me that I was still alive, that I could still feel, that I was still here. Cutting released some of that… pent-up agony inside me, it was an outlet for all the shit I was feeling.

And then you mum had your break down… I can still remember that day so so clearly everything that happened everything I did…

I woke up late because you didn’t wake me up for school as usual, it was 10 am when I woke up, and I knew after finding the car gone that something was wrong. I searched… I searched for hours, for at least 12 hours, I rang Cherylee, I rang your work, I rang everyone I could think of, but you were gone, and I was legitimately in that in-between state of panic and disbelief that it was all happening. I remember sitting in the loungeroom staring at the turned off tv wondering what I was going to do, I had the phone in my hand on the verge of calling the police when I heard the car. I heard you come up the steps, I watched you walk in the door, and all I could say was “where the fuck where you?” I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, but I was just upset and angry and scared. I will… can never forget what you said to me as an answer after standing there for like five full minutes, I remember your words, word for word like a quote from a movie…

“I was sitting in the car on the train tracks waiting for the train to come.”

I swear, I swear I stopped breathing when you said that and, my eyes stung from the tears I tried not to cry as you did, and my chest hurt and I wanted to scream… But I dropped the phone and went over to you and made you go and have a bath while I made dinner then I put you to bed with dinner and then I stayed there till you went to sleep. I didn’t sleep that night… or the next day… I remember fighting with you to take you to the doctors… I remember the argument we had and you not talking to me for the rest of the day. I remember taking you home to sleep and that afternoon while you were asleep I went to your work and talked to that dick you had for a boss… did your co-workers ever tell you that I ripped him apart in front of them and like four customers… because I did and it was beautiful and fulfilling. Turns out he didn’t give a fuck because it was like 30 minutes to EOD and he wanted to go home.

I remember it all even when I rang dad and told him what was going on when I called him and told him that you had a breakdown and that I had taken you to the doctors, I honestly don’t remember if I told dad what you said though. I remember he was panicked and worried, and I promised him you were okay, we were okay, and he told me he’d be there as soon as he could. I still remember how happy you were to see him when he arrived the next day.

That was when I bottled everything… you weren’t really in the frame of mind to be a mum, and I had to step up to take care of both of us, to instead wake you up for work, to make sure you had your tablets, to cook dinner and do the chorus. It was what I could do to help because dad was helping with working and money, and you were sick and working hard to pay the bills, and I was just… there… I felt helpless, useless even, and that’s how I could help, by cleaning the house, by doing the washing and washing the dishes and making sure dinner was ready by the time I came to pick you up. I felt useless because I had foolishly stopped working at IGA… that I couldn’t help pay bills or buy food or do something more to help.

I had gone to see a counsellor about my suicidal thoughts back then, I went for like four visits before you had your break down and I stopped going. I felt… I feel my issues aren’t important, that they were only small things, but yours was a big thing, and you needed me. I pushed my problems to the back and focused on the ones before me, the ones I could fix, the dishes, the dinner, making sure you took your tablets, keeping dad updated on how you were doing, making appointments and metaphorically bitch slapping your boss. I put my problems away and they sort of just faded into the dark corners where they stayed for months. I eventually stopped cutting because I was so busy dealing with everything but the itch was always there, the need for release. I’m not sure if you noticed, or you both put it down to teenage mood swings and growing pains, but they came and went, this depression, the suicidal thoughts, the anxiety, came and went all the way to the end of high school.

The longest they stick around was about 3-5 days depending on situations and how they affected me. In year 12, my friend group had a big fight and split up into two sides. I think I told you about it, but I didn’t choose a side, by that point I was guarded, I was I guess distance from them after what had happened, and my trust in them sort of went "you know what, fuck you, I’m done trying to understand your fucking shit, you can come to me". The two sides did end up coming to me trying to make me choose a side, and I kid you not before the entire year 12 grade I told the two of them Stacie and Angela that if they wanted me to choose a side I was going to punch someone. They backed off at that and settled for me being friends with both of them, I’m sure the rumours came back again, but I can’t be positive, all I know is that they backed off and high school finished relatively painlessly.

I think the most prolonged bout of the worlds fucked, everyone hates me, my life’s pointless, it all needs to end was in 2010 when I was doing STEPS with no real clue on what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I was unemployed, studying without a real direction and I felt useless at home.

After that trying to find a job really affected me a lot. The rollercoaster of it-sucks-ville would come and go with each rejection I got in regards to a job application, and by 2012 before I got the job at TS I honestly felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was useless, I didn’t have anything to offer, I was cursed even, not helped at all by that work experience I went to do at Woolworths and the supervisor telling me I wasn’t good enough and trying hard enough. Through the years after it with my jobs the anxiety of working, of having to face people, of being afraid people would see through the mask I wear was mild, easy to manage, I knew how to deal with it, and it wasn’t so much a problem. I could overcome it by the time I got to work or by the time I was halfway through my shift, and it stopped being a problem by the time my shift or the day was over. I questioned myself so much during that time, I still do now, a lot, what am I doing? What’s the point? Can I do this? Did I seriously just bullshit my way in? Do I even want to be here? Do I enjoy this? And so on.

And then in 2015, I was told I was going blind. At first, it took a good month to sink in, and then it hit, I was going blind… what if I went completely blind? We couldn’t afford it, we couldn’t even afford the crosslinking procedure… When you mentioned Pop, and he had the money to help… I had an internal breakdown. I had promised myself I would never ask them for anything again. That asking them for something, especially for money made me degrade myself, bring myself down to a level equal to that of a bug under their shoe, they had the power to crush me if they wanted to. Remember you kept asking me for five days if I had rung Pop to ask about the money and I kept saying whatever it was I said, I kept lying… the anxiety of having to talk to him, to ask for the money was too much to handle and while you were at work around day 3 I had a panic attack, a bad one, a horrible one I try to forget… I didn’t want to give them a reason to hate me even more, to hold that over my head like he does. But I asked, I sucked in every ounce of courage I could find and called and asked. I asked because I could see your worry, your panic, I knew you were worried about the finical situation, that we couldn’t afford it and to live at the same time, that it was too much to budget for in the short space of time we had. I felt like it was my fault we were struggling and I had to do something to help.

And then I went back to studying. My professors made me feel stupid for even trying, and I found myself flashing back to that day in year ten when we had to decide our futures and the head of the English department telling me I was going to fail if I even attempted to do OP level English. It was like I realised at some point between 2015 and 2017 that my teachers had been right, that I was stupid and couldn’t do anything right. I felt like I had only just caught up to the program by that point.

But then, weirdly enough I got to work with dad and even weirder still the anxiety I expected to have from working like all my other jobs… didn’t come, I was happy to go to work, I was excited to learn about IT, I was happy, well… as happy as being me can be like a medium… a 5/10 (apparently looking back that’s the happiness score I have in life…) it helped me realise what I wanted to do, what I wanted to achieve. But then my job went away, and I had to find a new one. It was alright in the beginning, I didn’t hold my breath and just rolled with it all.

And then Neato called. I wasn’t happy about it, I mean, I was happy I got a job, but I wasn’t happy about getting a job because I knew the anxiety and the worry and the panic would come back.

Everything was excellent, the two weeks of training were easy, like before I pushed the anxiety away got through it and if it stuck around, I did my best to ignore it. Until that Monday, the 3rd. Bec announced in the morning meeting that I was officially taking over my role as recruitment admin support and everything I had pushed away, the anxiety of doing something I’d never ACTUALLY done before, the fear of fucking up knowing what I was dealing with, vulnerable people and situations, and the depression that all of it brought, just snapped.

What happened that day… I asked to talk to Bec after the meeting, and after everyone left she asked me what was up, and I asked her if I could have the morning off to go and see my doctor. She asked what was up and I told her I was feeling overwhelmed, that everything was just rushing in and I needed to talk to someone. She understood and asked me if I was going to go and see them and I said I would. I got my things, I got my lunch box… I got down to my car… and I burst into tears. I ugly cried for at least 10 minutes, and then worked on breathing for 10 more before I could actually drive. I got home, I washed my face, I sat down at my desk… and I called Sydney St medical. They didn’t have any appointments, but there was one with Dr Brendan at Caneland. I legitimately considered running away, hanging up the phone and pretending I never called, that I would just stay home that day then go to work the next day like nothing had happened, but, the feeling… the feeling of not wanting to be here, of not wanting to live wouldn’t go away like it had over the last 12 years, and it was only getting worse.

I went to my appointment at 2 and sat down and told Dr Brendan just that, that I didn't want to be here, I didn’t want to be alive and that yes, I was considering taking my own life. He could see the situation for what it was and called Mental Health opposite Ford. I talked to them and rather than going to the hospital the lady I spoke to told me to do a walk in, and someone would see me, so that’s what I did. I talked to a counsellor, and she told me she would forward my case onto people that could help.

I know your angry that I didn’t call you or Trish, I know she’s pissed too, but there were so many things that stopped me. I was scared, scared how you would react, scared you’d get upset that I didn’t do something sooner, scared you’d just… be angry, and I didn’t want to be a burden, I didn’t want to burden you with my fucked-upness. With all these fucking issues that make it all hell in a handbasket.

I didn’t want to tell you because I knew how it would go, I knew I’d break you, and I did. Wednesday night… when you stood beside my bed sobbing so hard I watched you break, when you told me you couldn’t lose me because I was your best friend mum, when dad was trying not to make a sound as he sat on the edge of the bed crying, as he laid there when I was hugging him shaking, as mum gripped my hand while hugging me from behind so tightly I couldn’t move my fingers. I knew, I knew before that even, I knew I broke you, it was my fault, it was my fault you blamed yourselves, it was my fault you were scared, it was my fault you overreacted with the knives and shit in the house, it was my fault you keep thinking what your thinking, I broke you and it’s my fault.

I didn’t know how to tell you I’m suffering, I’m struggling, I’m tired, I’m so tired. I don’t know how, how do you tell people you're exhausted even though you’ve slept for 10 hours? How do you tell them that you need a break from talking and smiling and simply being near them? How do you tell them although you love them, you so desperately need to be alone tonight?

I guess I’ve just reached the end. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again, because I know I’d never disappoint anyone again. It’s hard to get out of bed every morning, and I know if I don’t I’d just be a disappointment to you, and that just makes me hate myself more. I don’t even know what being happy really feels like because I’ve faked it for so long I can’t remember what it is. I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out again. I feel like I have to censor myself when someone asks that question “how are you today?” all I want to do is scream.

I’m not fine, I’m so far from fine it’s funny.

Broken, sad, lonely, upset, alone, depressed, suicidal, angry, hateful, breaking down, screaming, dead, empty, nothing, crying, shouting, giving up, hiding, wearing a mast, cutting, horrible, done, hollow, worthless, misunderstood, incapable, inferior, vulnerable, distressed, lost, pathetic, ashamed, bitter, forced, uneasy, tense, dominated, pessimistic, distrustful, tearful, crushed, offended, aching, wrong, shaky, timing, wary, victimised, tortured, pained, lifeless, cold, dull, nervous, scared, suspicious, alienated, numb, stressed, bruised, used, unimportant, pathetic, a waste of space, dirty, disgusting, a burden.

I feel all of this, all the time, all at once and none of it all together.

I’ve always wanted just one thing I guess, a dream I’ve had since I was a little kid. I just want to be able to say at least once in my life that I had a purpose, a reason, that I didn’t hate absolutely everyone on this planet with myself at the top of that list. I’d like to wake up one day and look forward to it, be happy about it, but I just don’t care anymore. I do what I’ve always done… I smile and pretend and make everyone believe it’s okay. I say “I’m fine thank you, how are you?” because for the longest time… it’s what I’m good at.

I don’t know how to tell you what’s wrong because it’s not who I am, it’s not who I grew up to be, it’s not how I grew up. I grew up being told I didn’t matter, being told I wasn’t important, being told to grow up, being told to get over it, being told my existence wasn’t important. I grew up pushing my problems away because no one cared, no one wanted to know, I grew up alone surrounded by people.

If I had to put it into words, I guess, I’m paralysed. I’m scared to live but also scared to die. If life is pain I’ve definitely buried mine a long time ago, but I know it’s still alive, still smouldering, lingering in places I want nothing more than to bury, burn and forget, because I know it’s all slowly taking me over. I wish so hard to feel something other than this numbness inside, and yet I keep feeling nothing. I keep wondering why? I feel like I’m on the outside just watching life and time pass by like I’m leaning back against a brick wall with my hands stuffed in my pockets and my hoodie up just watching the world turn around me. It’s like I’m at the ocean and the waves are crashing in like I’m being dragged under until I’m fully submerged. I’m underwater and on top of it at the same time unable to decide if I want to sink or swim. I’m at the bottom, and I don’t even know what the damn problem is. I’m trapped in a box, and it's me who locked me in, suffocating, suffering, slowly running out of oxygen. I’m paralysed, and I find myself wondering where my feelings are? I don’t feel things I know damn well I should.

I find myself wondering where the real me went because I’m so fucking lost and it only kills me more inside. When the fuck did I become so numb? When the fuck did I lose myself? All the words that have left my tongue feel like they have come from someone else. When the hell did the cold settle in and take over? When did I become so ashamed it became me? I wonder where the person I once knew has gone because I’m paralysed.

I don’t know if that helps you understand if that even makes sense at all, and after my panic attack at work… Bec and I sat down and talked, I understand what she’s saying, and I have already thought about it, I’ve spent the last two days thinking about it. That this work, as much as I love it, as much as I am good at it and can do it, as much as I want to stay, I can’t. I can’t do this job when my head doesn't let me, I can’t help people if I can’t help myself. The medication isn’t a long-term fix, and I WILL NOT become dependent on drugs. I need to get better first, and I’ve decided to go back to study, to transfer to IT, to something I love and want to get into, something that doesn’t make me feel anxious and depressed. I have decided to quit my job, to focus on myself and getting better. I couldn’t tell you this to your face because I know it would only disappoint you, make you disappointed in me for giving up, and I’m so sorry. I wish, I wish so fucking many things were different, and I was better, and I wasn’t a burden or a huge disappointment, I wish I weren’t so fucked up.

I love you, and just being here is enough. It’s enough to know at least someone (including the crazy aunt) is in my corner. There will be days I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m special or loved, days when I think you’re just saying that because your family and it’s your job to say that but I love you, I mean that so much, I love you for believing in me, for raising me like you have, for trying to understand. I Just want you to know that it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay, and I’ll get through this, I’ll work hard to overcome all that’s dragging me down, and I’ll work had to be better, to get better.

I’m sorry if you cried, I didn’t mean it, I just didn’t know how to say this to you face to face. And I love you so much. XOXO Kimi.

My mother cried a lot, turns out she doesn't remember much from back when she had her break down, doesn't even remember taking me to see the counsellor those four times. My Aunt was the one I knew wouldn't be happy, my Mother called her pissed I was going into work that day to resign, and she came over to yell at me and determined to make me change my mind. She changed though after reading my letter to them, my job involved me helping vulnerable people, and I was just hypocritical in "being fine" and telling them "it would be fine" when none of it was. My father a man who rarely cries actually did again that morning after he read the letter.

I was nervous about giving it to them, but I broke them, and they deserved to understand, to know why I am fucked up, so there is it. The letter To My Family.

[akaiitokoibito]

Hello! Could I possibly get a matchup for Naruto and Haikyuu? I have all my matchup info here dinodiegos(.)tumblr(.)com/matchup (just remove the parentheses) but if you need a different link or something shorter just let me know! Thank you very much and congrats on the new blog!!

Yo~!

We’ve pinned your soulmates to be Itachi Uchiha from Naruto and Kozume Kenma from Haikyuu!!!

“You…really are an amazing person, aren’t you?”

tl;dr The couple that’s way too comfortable with each other and sort of dated before you confessed already

You two first met when Itachi was had just finished retrieving a paw print for Nekobaa.

Unfortunately, Itachi had been wearing those signature cat ears when he saw staring at him and froze. He was usually quick enough to go unnoticed by civilians, but he had been too busy thinking about what to buy for Sasuke’s birthday to be paying attention.

To his surprise, he vaguely recognized you; you were the daughter of the man who ran the dango stall.

You stared at him, the Uchiha prodigy clad in cat ears, and began giggling. Itachi, mortified, was about to steal away and forever abandon his favorite dango stand when you blurted out: “Would you like some free dango?”

He was really surprised by your offer; you didn’t seem like the type to approach people so easily. (Later, he learns that it was because of the cat ears. Itachi vows to never regret wearing them again.)

Never one to refuse such kind offers, he accepted and promised to meet you after returning to Nekobaa.

Itachi’s endless patience and kindness surprised you: you thought all Uchihas were sort of stick in the muds, but he didn’t seem to mind your initial quietness and filled the awkward silence with small anecdotes about his little brother.

You two chatted for an amiable hour at the stall, and you didn’t notice that he left some money to pay for the dango until several minutes after his departure.

He began frequenting the dango stand more often, and you two slowly grew acclimated to each other.

When he began taking dangerous missions, he’d always stop by the stall to tell you goodbye. You’d always laugh. “Don’t go dying, or I’ll kill you myself,” you chide, punching his arm.

“Never,” he vows, a smile tugging at his lips.

In a non-Uchiha Massacre AU, you two would grow up to be quite the adorable pair. Whenever Itachi was in the village, he’d do every single gentlemanly gesture he could (helping you with your groceries, holding the door open, etc.). You didn’t want to be the only one accepting things, so you’d gift him with dango or other sweets in return. It was a comfortalbe rhythm you two had, and you gradually got used to engaging with Itachi in idle conversation as you walked around the village.

Itachi fell for you first; he began trying to subtly hint about his feelings to you. First were the compliments (”You’re so kind, you know that?”) which you thought were just his way of cheering you up. Then came the gifts (”I happened to see this necklace while on a mission to Rain and the color reminded me of your eyes.”). And, finally, came the day when he confessed to you.

Itachi had just come back from a mission when he saw some little shits crowding you. They were saying all sorts of things (”You’re ugly.” “What the fuck did you just say?” “Stop laughing, bitch!”) but immediately shut up when they saw the Uchiha heir with his activated Sharingan and hateful gaze. (”I thought he was a pacifist!”)

He turned around, unusually furious to the point that even you shrunk back from him. When he saw how honestly terrified you were, his expression softened. “You know none of that is true, right?” Itachi asked quietly. “They don’t know anything about you, but I do. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. And you are undoubtedly, most certainly, the kindest person that I’ve met and I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

Then, sensing the awkward atmosphere, Itachi shuffled his feet and looked the most awkward an Uchiha has ever looked. He, too, wasn’t that comfortable with vocalizing his feelings, but he cared for you more than that. “Let’s get some ramen, my treat,” he blurted out. (It was Kushina’s influence; the loud redhead frequently visited the Uchiha compound with her toddler son in tow to play with Sasuke.) (Itachi did not mean for your first date to be at Ichiraku’s and would forever curse himself.) (You didn’t mind, though.)

You couldn’t help but laugh, your heart thudding loudly in your chest. “It almost sounds like you’re asking me on a date.”

“And if I am?”

Itachi is the most understanding, amazing, intelligent, and wonderful person you’ve ever met, in your unbiased opinion. He doesn’t mind your somewhat pointed jokes and understands your subtle actions that convey your affection. He enjoys doing anything that makes you happy, really: the look in your eyes is enough for him. He’d always remind you with little gifts (nothing too expensive, because you told him that you didn’t need things like jewels or flowers every week) of how much he loves you.

“I just...want you to be happy, you know?”

tl;dr The couple that’s so comfortable with each other that you don’t even realize your mutual feelings for the longest time. It’s painful to watch.

You two didn’t really have any special, amazing meeting; one day, Kenma happened to see you playing one of his favorite games in class, and offered a small tip out of the blue after witnessing your struggles.

After that, you slowly began building a tentative friendship.

At first, you simply exchanged small talk about games. It was almost weird how easily you two clicked: Kenma was quiet and reserved, but you could tell that he was very kind. He, on the other hand, appreciated your humor and interest in games, movies, etc.

Eventually, you two didn’t really need words to communicate. From an outsider’s perspective, you two were interesting to watch (especially when discussing movies and games)..

Kuroo, by the way, is your mom/dad friend who has literally vowed to protect you and Kenma with his life. He loves how you make his childhood friend happy. (He also realizes you two like each other way before either of you realize it yourselves.)

One day, you had been discussing a movie you were particularly invested in. Kenma mentioned something about one of the characters, immediately setting you off on a tirade about the shitty character development, cinematography, etc. Kenma watched you with large, rounded eyes (he never knew you could be so talkative).

You abruptly paused in the middle of your passionate monologue when you realized his quiet Kenma had grown.

“....Kenma? You alright?”

Then, to your ever-growing surprise, he burst into laughter.

Ever since that day, you decided to make him laugh as much as possible.

Kenma likes your jokes, for the most part, but disapproves of your self deprecating ones and won’t hesitate to voice his objection. (”You’re not stupid. You can be loud, yes, but you’re so much more than that.”)

Basically, Kenma is willing to step out of his comfort zone for you. You’re the same way.

You two did all sorts of couple-ish things even before formally dating.

Movie nights, game nights, and cuddling (well, more like huddling together in a blanket while watching a horror movie) were the norm for you two. Sometimes, Kuroo would tag along and snicker at both of your reactions.

There’s this running joke between the two of you about creepy, horror-movie stuff. It started when you freaked out over a horror game you two were playing together. (Kenma was pretty surprised: after all, just the other day you were making fun of a creepy horror movie.)

Kuroo was there to witness your reaction and took both of you to a supposedly haunted house (really, just an abandoned building). You started to freak out...in a good way. Ever since then, both Kuroo and Kenma, on special occasions, gift you little trinkets relating to creepy horror material. (”Here’s a Sadako keychain.” “I got you that new yandere dating sim?”)

You realized your feelings for Kenma while talking with Kuroo (who had honestly been trying to push you two in the right direction for the past three fucking months, dammit--).

You...well, even though you hoped Kenma would confess to you, you squared your shoulders and decided that you...would confess.

After all, this was Kenma, the boy who you’ve visited nearly everyday afterschool for some kind of video game marathon or movie spree. He was worth the extra effort.

You knew you’d be a stuttering mess if you tried to do the cliche “confess behind the school” thing, so you decided to give him a gift instead.

Kenma was very, very confused when he saw how flustered you were, holding out a keychain to him.

“A...Frankenstein keychain?” he asked confusedly. Usually, you’d gift him with sketches or something relating to cats (being Nekoma’s heart and all).

“To match with the Frankenstein’s bride keychain you gave me before,” you mumbled, wishing you could hightail it out of there. You steeled yourself, though. You would not run away.

Kenma studied you for a long minute, making you squirm. It was...disconcerting to know that your crush was analyzing you, observing everything about you from head to toe. Slowly, a smile stretched across his face. (He understood your confession.) “Want to walk home together?”

He totally ditched volleyball practice that day out of giddiness. Kuroo -- when informed of your pseudo-confession -- nearly sobbed out of relief. (”Alright, so no more inviting me on your...sort of...date things. I don’t want to be a third wheel again.”) (You knew that was his way of caring for both of you.)

Your first kind-of date was to the movies. Cliche? Yes. Not much opportunity to speak with each other? Yes.

But you didn’t need words. Besides, that was your thing. Movies. When you two exited the theater, pinkies intertwined and light pink dusting your cheeks, Kenma took you to a family restaurant where you could rant as much as you wanted about the movie.

When the rest of the volleyball players (not only Nekoma, but the other schools) found out about your relationship, they were initially hesitant. After seeing how soft Kenma’s expression was around you, though, they welcomed you into the community with open arms. (Hinata, in particular, promised to forever be your number one supporter.) (You two both smiled, but didn’t say anything, knowing that Kuroo would get jealous if you agreed to the prospect.)

This was so long ugh sorry for the wait, everyone! RL has been hectic. Hope you enjoyed this, @dinodiegos! Your detailed matchup bio was amazing lol, so we deliberated for awhile about your matchups. It was a lot of fun! :)

- Mod Camellia

[gottalovetheletos]

Missing my girls!

Authors note: I don’t know about this one. Let me know what you think. I’m trying to think of stories from a different perspective, whether I’ve done that here or not.. IDK.. Enjoy lol. x x

WARNINGS: Erm, none really. 

Jared Imagine.

“Right girls family meeting in the den in 5 please” I called upstairs to mine and Jared’s 3 daughters. We had Scarlet 15, Phoebe 12 and Harmony (Mimi) 6. 

The girls gathered in the den and took a seat each. Jared and I facing them. “Girls, I’m leaving to tour tomorrow. I want you to be on your best behavior for your mother” Jared said, looking over towards Scarlet knowing how she can be when he’s away. “Can we help you pack daddy?” Phoebe asked. “Yes, I need my personal stylists to help me” He laughed. Always leaving packing until the last minute. Luckily he was mostly packed just a few bits to put in, but he always welcomed the girls help. They went upstairs leaving me downstairs to finish dinner. 

*Jared’s P.O.V* 

My three beautiful children were sat on the bed with one of my suitcases. Scarlet laying against the headboard with her phone, Phoebe trying to see what she can steal from my case and Mimi actually rummaging through the suitcase. “Girls what do you think of this?” I asked holding up one of their moms dresses and making them laugh. “No daddy that’s mommy’s” Mimi giggled. 

“Scar, get off your phone and get over here” I pouted. I wrapped my arms around my first born secretly wishing she’d stop growing. Or at least stop being a moody teenager. “Now when I’m gone will you please promise to help your mom around the house and not be a pain in the ass” I held her at arms length. “I guess” She replied. “That’s my girl”. 

I hate to admit it but I could see how much my leaving would cause Scarlet pain. She was very much a daddy’s girl. But it’s my job. You’d think she’d be used to it. 

“Dinner” Y/N called. 

*Your P.O.V* 

We all sat at the dinner table for our last meal together as a complete family, at least for a while. General chat filled the air as we tucked into our meal. The girls asking Jared to buy them things from each country. After dinner I cleaned the dishes while they put on a Disney movie. Once I’d finished I walked into the living room where all of the girls were snuggled up to their dad. I sat down next to Phoebe who snuggled into me as well. It always warmed my soul doing things like this. They always say it’s the little things that count in life. They’re not lying. Once the movie was over I woke up Mimi and took her upstairs for a quick wash and to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. I tiptoed out of her room and had a shower myself. I felt the warmth of a body I knew all too well wrap around me in the shower. “Hello handsome, what are you doing here?” I laughed. He smirked and closed the gap between us, gently pushing me under the water which was now raining down on our heads. “Just joining my beautiful wife in the shower” he kissed me again. “I’m going to miss you so much” I confessed. He spun me around so I was facing away from him.  He lathered up the soap on my skin, each touch sent tingles down my spine, knowing this wasn’t going to happen for a while. “I’ll miss you too” he whispered now using the shower head to wash the fluffy suds off of me. His hand moving down in between my legs. “Do you want this Princess?” “MmmHmm..” ....

 Once we were out of the steamy shower, I locked all of the doors in the house and checked on the girls. All sound asleep, probably so they could wake up early to say goodbye to their dad. I crawled into bed next to Jared. His hands found their way around my body bringing me in close to him. I nuzzled in close to his and fell asleep breathing in his sweet scent. Before I knew it the alarm was going off. It was time for him to get up and in about 20 minutes leave. I quickly rose too so I could make us a quick breakfast. When the porridge was in bowls I woke the girls so they could come downstairs and eat. Straight after breakfast a car arrived to pick up Jared. He gave each child a gift whenever he left. Nothing expensive, but something that would mean something to each of them. He gave me a kiss and a small box which contained a Pandora ring. Okay so nothing expensive for the girls, but I’m his wife. All three girls and myself waved off Jared trying to keep brave faces and failing. We shut the door and went inside. Scarlet went straight to her room, Phoebe and Mimi stayed with me. “Do you girls want a hot chocolate?” I asked them both. They nodded their heads. “Go and put on a movie and I’ll make some, yeah?”. Off they went to put on a movie. I boiled some milk and brought out 4 mugs from the cupboard. I poured in the milk to each mug then added the powder. I put extra milk in for the young girls so they wouldn’t burn themselves. I walked in on the girls huddled together under a blanket watching a movie. “Thank you mommy” the both said reaching out for their hot chocolates. I moved back into the kitchen where I picked up Scarlet’s one and brought it upstairs. Knocking on the door I hear her sniffling. “Honey, I brought you up a hot chocolate. As I opened the door she rushed over to me shoving me backwards and yelling at me “a hot chocolate will not make me feel better”, causing me to spill the hot drink down my arm. “Ahh fuck” I shouted in pain. She looked horrified at what she’d done. I rushed to the bathroom to run my arm under the cold water. I’d expected her to come in and apologize but nothing.  

A few days later in the evening Jared called me on face time. Unbeknownst to me Scarlet was just outside my door. She was making her way to the toilet. 

“Hey how’s things?” he asked. “Missing my girls!” he added. “ We miss you too and...Erm, not great” I started to tell him. “I just feel like I’m doing a shitty job as a parent you know. Scar and I used to be so close when she was younger. Now she hates me and not to put this on you but I think its when you leave. She knows just how to push all of my buttons and we just...” I start sobbing. “Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed in this relationship” That threw Jared over the edge. “Well you know what if you feel that way maybe you shouldn’t have” he’d hung up on me. I was now crying by myself,. Why would I say that to him. Of course I loved him. How stupid was I to say that to him. I heard a soft knock on my door, it was Scarlet crying too. I quickly wiped away my tears. “Mom, are you and dad gonna get a divorce because of me?” “No honey, why would you think that?” I waved her over to me so she could sit beside me. “Because I’ve been horrible to you and you just said to daddy you don’t want to be here anymore”. “Oh no, baby I didn’t mean it. Sometime things get a bit overwhelming. You know you aren’t the easiest kid when your father goes away” I told her truthfully. “I know I’m sorry I don’t mean to take it out on you. I just... It just makes me sad when he can’t come to my performances at school. My band and I are playing this weekend but he’s in Italy”. “Baby, you know that he tries to make it to everything you do. However it is harder for him when hes half way across the world. Don’t you think he misses us every single day he has to be away? We are his life just as much as his band is too” I looked at her. Her eyes were forming big tears as she’s realized it’s not just her who his going away takes a tole on, and her behavior. She buried her head into my fluffy night gown. “Mommy, I’m so sorry and about the other day when I’d pushed you. I didn’t mean for you to burn yourself. Are you guys gonna split up? I’d hate for that to happen. I didn’t think about the bigger picture. I’ll be a better daughter I swear”. “Thank you for your apology. But no daddy and I are not going to split up. Couples fight. But we’ll be fine. Shall we ring him back so we can both apologize?” I asked her. She nodded at me and pulled the laptop towards her and me. My arm was around her soothingly stroking her arm. The face time ringer was going off and Jared’s face popped up. “First of all daddy, let me speak. I’m sorry for being a brat and treating mom like dirt. We’ve had a talk and I’m going to not be a ‘Pain in the ass’” She told him repeating the phrase he used. “I guess its my turn to apologize” I laughed nervously. 

“You’re both forgiven” he smiled. 

[uni-life-tips]

10 Things to Pack for University

1) A memento of home. E.g. stuffed animal, favorite blanket, picture of family, a piece of tile identical to the ones in your home kitchen, etc. You will miss home eventually and it's nice to have something to remind you of home when you're far away. When night falls and you're trying to empty your mind enough to sleep you may fall into a vat of homesickness and it's nice to have something to remind you of it rather than be up all night filled with sadness 'cuz its not an appropriate hour to call home.

2) Your favorite snack/non-perishable food item. The place you go to may not sell your favorite food item. Also, you might not be able to get to a place that sells them. If your university doesn't have a grocer nearby and you don't have access to a car, you might not get to eat your favorite snacks until you visit home. If you like ethnic food or something then this is a must. There are not many Asian restaurants where I go to university--and growing up in an Asian family means I miss Chinese Beef Stew and Lobster-flavor chips. Heck, if you're picky about what brand of instant noodles you eat, then bring a case to university because all that's likely to be in the vending machines is Mr. Noodle. If your university is awesome you might get Ichiban in the machine, but they go fast and paying $1.40+ for a single packet is just plain gouging. Also, if other students find out you've got the good stuff you can use the premium-brand instant noodles as currency--3 packs of noodles for 2 days with their XBox or something.

3) At least 4 weeks worth of undergarments. Seriously--go out and buy 30+ pairs of underwear. This is more of an issue for 3rd years and above, but here's the reasoning. Laundry services where you live may be expensive, or non-existent, or so dirty that your 4-day-old-undies are cleaner--you won't be able to go home every week but if you live close enough you may be able to make a trip once a month on a long weekend to do your laundry at home. As a 3rd year student and above, come Hell Week (middle of the semester when you have to write midterm exams AND start working on/handing in assignments) you aren't going to have time to do your laundry every week, or even every month. Literally, the only reason I consciously stopped working on my research papers was either because I literally had 3 pairs of clean underwear left or because I couldn't even see straight anymore and needed a break. Letting your living area become cluttered is only going to make you feel worse during Hell Week. It's sort of like a glass-half-empty/full thing--I'm up to my eyeballs in papers, but at least I don't have to worry about laundry for another 2 weeks.

4) Thermos. Buying coffee every single day really adds up. Yeah, yeah, its only $2.40 for a medium--but if you saved $2.40 even 4 times a week it's $9.60 you hust saved. Round up to $10 a week and you could buy a small meal at Subway with that money--with change! In 3rd year I started to brew my own coffee in the morning and bring it in a thermos. If I was drinking it to stay awake/become awake then I'd drink the stuff I made at home--if I wanted to treat myself to the taste of "fancy" coffee, I'd allow myself to go to the campus coffee shop or something. Heck, even if you choose to buy your coffee anyway, bring a thermos. Most places offer a $0.10 cent discount if you bring your own mug/thermos. Also, the thermos will keep the coffee hot/warm longer than it would in the paper cup--meaning you're not forced to choose between chugging or cold coffee (an abomination). The $0.10 saved will take a bit longer to add up--but if you do it 10 times you just saved $1 for laundry...and if you do it 17-20 times you just saved the equivalent of a small cup of coffee.

5) Dishes/kitchen items. Seriously, you don't need 5+ pots. Rule of thumb: 2 of everything--tops. You don't need a full set of 48 utensils. You do not need 5 pots and 16 frying pans. The more dishes you have, the less likely you are to do dishes. When you do not do dishes, they mould, they stink, they take up space, and anyone you're sharing a sink/kitchen with will hate you and probably plot to stab you with one of your dirty knives. I met people in my 1st year who had the idea that they could simply just go out and buy another 3 pots instead of washing the 3 they already had clogging up the sink. I know students live off of KD, but if you take 3 minutes to wash the pot afterwards then you won't be spending 3 hours washing ALL the pots. Even worse--you won't spend a night at the hospital because your roommate decided to hit you upside the head with one of the many dirty frying pans you left all over the place. If you're not going to wash them within 1 day--keep it in your own space or throw it out--I don't want to see your half-eaten KD soaking in the sink when I go to fill up my waterbottle.

6) Toilet Paper. Make sure you always have a small stash just for yourself. If you have roommates you'll probably take turns buying the toilet paper because it isn't fair for one person to foot the bill all the time. Toilet paper wars can get pretty intense. If one person uses more than their fair share or starts handing out TP they didn't buy to other needy students then people will start to hoard it. Not only that, but you may run into a roommate who won't hold up their end of the TP-pact to buy more. It will happen and most people feel like they should learn that not buying means they don't get any. Keep your own supply and ensure your roommates do not know about it. This is your emergency stash if/when a TP feud comes along--you do not want to be caught with your pants down or have to use your hand. Keep your own stash and bring 1 roll in and out of the bath/washroom with you rather than leave it in there. In a feud--your roommates may try to steal anything you leave in there.

7) Medicine. Keep a small stock of your cold medicine of choice, pain killers, bandaids, and whatever other medication you use in a year. You're not sick now, but when you are sick you don't want to have to drag yourself out of bed to walk 15 minutes to the drugstore just for some Benadryl. Keep a small stash 'cuz if you're sharing a living space one of you is eventually going to get sick and close-quarters means it'll spread.

8) Canned/non-perishables + "sick-people" food. Like medicine, when you do get sick you still need to eat. If you're not hoofing it for medicine, you're not going to hoof it for a can of chicken noodle and some sports drink. Keep a small stash (e.g. a box of chicken noodle, 2-6 bottles of Gatorade) on hand for if you get hit by the flu.

9) Vacuum. Even if you're only likely to use it once a month, have a small one on hand. You might spill cocoa powder or coffee grounds at some point and you'll need to clean it up in a hurry. Even if it only gets used once a month it's a good investment 'cuz you can be the cool kid that loans it to friends. Also, it'll suck having to send out a message on facebook or whatever, asking to borrow somebody's vacuum--especially if room inspectors are coming around.

10) Leisure items. Don't go bringing your whole library; bring something small and portable. If you're in a place where you can go home once a month or so then you only need 2-3 books for leisure. Heck, your institution probably has a library where you can check out some stuff on a whim. Bring your handicrafts if you're into that sort of thing--you can decorate your room, make useful items, or even make some cute items to sell for some club event. University doesn't mean you'll never get any time for yourself. There may come a time when you've gone as far as you can on your assignments/readings and you truly have "nothing" to do. There's no club meeting that night, you don't like the whole bar-hopping scene, and you're literally just in your room, showered and too awake to go to bed. It's the perfect time to watch one of your favorite movies, read a book, knit a hand warmer, practice juggling, or whatever else you're into. Living away from home means you have more time to spend with your friends--especially if your friends live closeby--but it doesn't mean they're there whenever you get bored. Also, alone-time is good.

[sceawere]

do dheartháireacha | isaiah/shelby!reader

anon request: Can I please ask for an Isaiah imagine?YN is the youngest Shelby(1 year older than Finn) and he's totally smitten, but has a hard time to talk around her, that is until her brothers help him

“Ooh, I don’t mind if I do”

You took the drink out of Finn’s hands before he could get it to the table and he rolled his eyes and turned back to the bar, you laughing all the time.

“Right no, Finn, get back here and take that off her. Polly’ll kill me if she comes home in a state”

“Fuck off, John. All the lads at the table have a proper drink, why not me?”

“Because if they come home hammered, Polly’ll belt them. If you come home hammered, Polly’ll belt me”

“Michael, stick up for me here”

He fell back in his chair, shoving a cig in his mouth and shaking his head.

“I’m staying out of this”

“Michael! You traitor, not even defending your own cousin. What is this family coming to?”

You turned your head as Isaiah sat opposite you.

“Isaiah! You’ll defend me”

“Defend you how?”

“Tell ‘em I can have a drink”

“What the lady wants…”

The boys started hooting and slapping the table as you raised your glass in victory, Michael shaking his head and pushing Isaiah’s face.

“A good man has spoken in my defence. And so it shall be. Besides, I can handle myself”

You could not handle yourself. Somewhere along the way, trying to prove you could keep up with the boys had turned into trying to beat the boys and you were way passed gone.

“Finn, take her home”

“I’m fine! I only…fuck. It’s not even bleeding that bad!”

“Finn, Christ, move out the way, I’ll do it”

“It’s alright John, I’m going that way anyway. I’ll take her”

“D’ya mind, Isaiah?”

“No, eh, come here, princess”

He grabbed his hands around the top of your waist and you spun to grab the sides of his neck. He was only a few years older than you but he was always looking out for you and treating you nice. Sometimes you wished he wouldn’t.

“You, Isaiah! You are…”

The boys sat staring, waiting for you to finish your sentence but you just sighed and dropped your head to his shoulder, nuzzling into his neck.

He cleared his throat by your ear and started backing you slowly towards the door, turning so he had one arm steady around your waist, the other able to open the door.

The cool air hit you quick as you stepped out carefully into the dark and Isaiah wrapped his coat over your shoulders.

“You’re a good man, Isaiah”

“Yeah, I’m a right saint”

“Don’t hear your dad…no wait…don’t let your dad hear you say that. Stop laughing at me!”

“I’m not laughing at you, princess”

“You are, I can see!”

You stepped in front of him and poked his cheek. He stood staring at you for a moment, just smiling at you.

“What?”

“What?”

“What are you doing with your face?”

“Nothing, it’s-it’s my face”

“No, you’re doing a thing with it, like…”

“Like what princess?”

“Stop calling me that”

You turned and starting tottering down the street on your own, eventually flicking your heels off and carrying them. You wrapped his coat around you and staggered off into the shadows.

“Why not? It’s true, you’re the Peaky Blinder princess, aren’t you?”

“No!”

“Well Ada sure isn’t, so that leaves you”

“Why do we have to have a princess anyway?”

He didn’t reply and you assumed he’d just shrugged it off but you could hear him following after you.

“Is that why you don’t…is that why you act like that?”

“Like what?”

“You treat me like a princess”

“That’s not a bad thing”

“No, not like- you treat me like a princess and you’re my guard or something. You’re supposed to avert thy eyes whenever I enter the room, why do you do that?”

You turned on the spot and he nearly ran into you.

“Your brothers would kill me if I did otherwise”

“What, if you were my friend? Is it cos you think I’m a kid, Isaiah, because I’m not anymore”

“I don’t think you’re a kid”

“Then be my friend”

He looked over your shoulder, eyes skimming around.

“Isaiah?”

“Yeah…I’ll be your friend”

“Ok…well…good. Now take me home, noble guard”

You spun around and misjudged where the wall was, him laughing as he pulled you away from cracking your head on the bricks.

“See, my knight in shining…razor cap”

“Let’s get going, missus”

-

“What did you say to my sister?”

Finn came in to where Isaiah and Michael were sat at his desk and threw his cap down, falling into a seat with them.

“What are you talking about?”

“She gave me a bollocking this morning about warning guys off her. Said her stupid brothers were making you uncomfortable. Did something happen last night?”

Isaiah blew his smoke away, shaking his head.

“She thought I was being cagey with her, I said I was just being respectful”

“Respectful?”

The boys laughed to each other and Isaiah rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean. I’m a junior and she’s…Polly’s a scary woman, alright? I was trying to do what I thought was right”

“Do you like my sister?”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Finn?”

“Do you like my cousin?”

“Michael, piss off”

“No, do you?”

Isaiah looked between them both as they stared back at him.

“Wouldn’t matter if I did, would it?”

“Why not?”

“I told her we’d be friends, so it’s all sorted”

“Why wouldn’t it matter? She likes you if this morning was anything to go by”

“Like hell she does. Besides, Polly’d have my-“

“Polly loves you”

“Yeah and she loves your sister like she was her own, you’d think she’d still be alright with me going round there if she knew? She wouldn’t let a peaky blinder near her little princess”

“What’s happening now?”

John came in, throwing reports on Michael’s desk and stealing Finn’s cig.

“Isaiah’s being a wimp”

“Shut up!”

John laughed and turned to him.

“What you doing now?”

“He won’t ask our sister out for fear Pol’ll batter him”

“Wait…you and…what?”

“Don’t be dense, John. They’ve been dancing round each other for half the year”

“I’ve not being doing anything!”

“No, I mean, I just assumed you were already at it”

Finn and Michael laughed at John’s words and Isaiah near about choked.

“You’ve really not been sneaking around this whole time?”

“No! I’ve never touched her!”

“I don’t know, you seemed pretty friendly last night”

“John, she’s your sister, I would never”

“Damn right she’s my bloody sister, I know her too well. Get it over with, will you? Might calm her down and give us a break. Eh, Arthur!” he stood from the desk, walking over to the doorway and shouting at his brother as he walked past “what d’you think eh? Shall we let Isaiah deal with our bloody tyrant of a sister from now on?”

“What’s that his dad always talks about miracles, eh? Would that he bloody could!”

Isaiah was seconds away from sinking to the floor and crawling under Michael’s desk for a few weeks.

“Right, so how long have you lot been laughing behind my back for?”

“Couple of months”

“Just talk to her”

“Nah Pol-“

“Oh, Pol’ll go out and buy a hat. She will scare the shit out of you the first time you pick her up. After that she’ll pack you a bloody lunch and- Michael, tell him, what’s your mum gonna be like?”

“A nuisance”

“A bloody nuisance”

Finn was staying quiet, taking the excuse to swipe his cig back from John and have a good laugh at his friend’s expense.

“Oh, eh up. Here’s your chance”

The door slammed out of sight and the click of her heels drew closer.

“Oi, in here!”

“Don’t fucking ‘oi’ me!”

“Yeah, get in will you?”

She appeared round the doorway, shaking her wet coat off on Finn.

“Fuck off!”

She turned back with a smile.

“What’s happening?”

The boys cleared their throats, smiling at Isaiah or looking away, pretending not to be sat there.

“Right, what is happening?”

“They’re...fucking hell. They’re winding me up”

“Why? What did you do?”

“He wants to ask-“

“John!”

“Someone tell me what’s happening before I start swinging, please?”

“Oh fucking hell. D’you wanna go out with me tonight?”

-

Your eyes widened, flicking back over to Isaiah as he spoke.

“Do I want to go out? With you?”

Finn cracked up behind you and you kicked back, not looking what you were hitting but his yell told you you’d succeeded in your aim.

“Where we going?”

“Uhhh…where do you wanna go?”

You shrugged.

“Anywhere these fuckers won’t be”

“Oi!”

“I’ve told you, John, oi me again and it’ll be your shin next”

“Uptown then?”

“Yeah, okay”

Tommy appeared in the doorway, coat and cap still on, looking about the crowd in the small office.

“Did I miss a family meeting?”

“Isaiah’s taking me out tonight, that’s alright, ain’t it?”

Tommy looked between you both and you saw Isaiah cringe back into his seat a little, thoroughly embarrassed and uncharacteristically shy in the presence of your brothers and cousin.

“As long as he has you back by midnight, or he’ll have Pol to deal with”

“Wait, Tommy, you’re alright with this?”

“She’s a big girl, she can handle herself better than half of us. Better you than someone I don’t know. Besides, I know your dad would kill you long before I got to you if anything were to happen”

The other men in the room laughed.

“Nothing will happen, will it Isaiah?”

“No, boss”

“No. Right, if you’re supposed to be working here, get to it. If not, piss off. Arthur!”

Tommy was off with a shout to his brother and the room started to clear out.

“Eh, come here”

You placed a kiss on Isaiah’s cheek and he flicked his eyes over to Michael, then back to you with wide eyes.

“Oh, that’s precious. You’re actually scared of them, aren’t you?”

“Listen-“

You grabbed his cheeks and pushed your lips to his, John hollering from the main room and you flipped him off through the glass, not moving from where your lips met.

When you pulled back, Isaiah looked shocked and you giggled at him.

“You’re gonna have to start treating me like a princess, you know that, right?”

He sighed and turned you round, pushing you out of the room.