joboppsph

[egonkula]

breaking news! your local autistic freak had a meltdown over her schedule changing to the surprise of absolutely no one !

[izzythehutt]

if you were to tie faith into 'black mask', where do you think each character would regard their own faith? I'm asking for the sirius, regulus and the parents, maybe Colette too or someone else if you've thought about it? also, a chapter from the new testament you've reread the most? wishing you a good lenten season!

This has been lurking for a bit but since I got into a whole "religion in the Harry Potter universe" conversation I figured I'd answer it.

So, in my universe as opposed to the canon Harry Potter universe, I'm drawing on my own family—the Blacks are recusant English Catholic landed gentry. I think it honestly fits the whole "there are only 28 acceptable families" inbred pureblood vibe since that's basically the upper class English Catholic families, everybody is related. I feel like in canon HP universe if they are in an actual denomination they'd be Anglican, since they're so "establishment", but then again the Norfolks irl are Catholic so who knows?

As much as I have been accused of Black family apologism, even I cannot in good conscience describe anyone in this family having a healthy relationship with their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but were they religious this is sort of how it would shake down:

Orion is a classic trad with all the attendant dysfunction therein. Extremely legalistic, he's very comforted by a the sense of order, regulations, hierarchical structure and tradition that the Church provides. Probably reads Thomistic theology in his room for fun and would never miss a Holy Day of Obligation. Does not have a good grasp on how to love, show mercy to his children for their failings or give a good example of the relational aspect of their faith. When the shit inevitably hits the fan he's left wondering why following the rules didn't make everything turn out right. I kind of feel like I did give him a moral arc in BM in the sense that he really had to grapple with his own failure and let go of the idea that he can control everything.

Walburga I see as having a pretty childish and shallow understanding of God/religious faith. Faith is more tied to family tradition than personal piety and is practiced out of habit/duty more than out of genuine interest. She is not an imaginative person, she's the kind of person who thinks if they follow the letter of the law and pray they should get exactly what they want. Zero understanding of theology of suffering as a form of sanctification.

Sirius is projecting his daddy issues onto God and struggles to see his own lovability outside of the conditions set by his parents. Will do the opposite of his family just to rebel—I could see him getting into the cozy provincial Anglicanism of the Potters when he moves into them. He's the kind who would start going to church all the time if his parents were secular atheists just to piss them off. His arc is about seeing that God loves him in a perfect way and that helping him forgive his parents for their extremely damaged and wounded way of showing they love him.

Regulus is classic Elder Brother in the Prodigal Son. Has some resentment about doing things right and not getting anything in return. I kind of feel like he's the only one who actually has a prayer life or thinks very deeply about metaphysical questions, but that he also has massive cognitive dissonance with all the religious hypocrisy in the family which makes him question the whole thing.

Bonus: Colette actually has sincere piety and an imaginative soul and would maybe get Sirius rebelling from his family and not really practicing back into going to mass, etc.

[hummingbird-games]

Postmortem: #CrushedVN Edition

Okie doke y'all! It's been some time so I guess we're good to dissect this project!

(I almost didn't bother with writing this up, but at the end of the day I do the dev diaries and the random--game development related--posts for me to look back on and prove I'm learning. Getting better. Not regressing. So. Might as well move forward!)

Background/Inspiration

It's like if you took my late 2022 brain and threw it into a blender!! Most of these are self-explanatory (Boys Love media I adore with emphasis on early to late teen experiences.) Let me draw your attention to The Edge Of Seventeen: not sure how many times I've rewatched, but it makes me tear up every single time. Main character Nadine is awkward AF, still hasn't come to terms with the death of her father years prior, isn't on the best terms with her mom or her older brother, and even ends up on rocky terms with her best friend too!! Anyway, that feeling of being young, and a little angry and a little sad and not feeling quite right on the inside but eventually reaching a place where things fiiiiiinally start to work out...it's just a sliver of what I wanted to capture and infuse into Crushed.

Listen y'all, I just pulled and pulled and pulled from real life experiences. I was inspired by authors Julian Winters, Leah Johnson, and Jay Coles' works (all Young Adult authors LOL! Fitting since I seem to be creating things for the teens at this juncture in my life). This all provided the base for Corey and his inner world. Also, I've been wanting to create a bookworm character...no time like the present right???

As for deciding to specifically create a boys' love visual novel of all things?? First, y'all must understand that I fought the original idea and anything related to it. This was coming off the heels of me suddenly seeing (another) wave of players throwing fits about indie games forcing you to play as a femme character. First off, no one is forcing you to do anything. Secondly, we are still at a point in video games where the majority of characters you play as are male. Forgive some of us for wanting a little variety 😑Thirdly, for those looking for games where there's even more inclusivity (choosing pronouns, playing as nonbinary/trans, and etc) I really wish that players would seek out those games that ARE being made and support them so the developers don't lose steam and drop their projects. It's so disheartening to make something that's meant to be consumed and BOOM, silence.

Anyway, all of that to say that as a developer herself who's tired of watching girls' media be regulated as Less Than, made fun of, and just overall disrespected, I wasn't interested in making any games that didn't center a female character. But back to my main point!!!

I had Heartstopper, the webtoon, infecting my brain. I was so not immune to falling in love with Nick and Charlie like everybody else. But then I was hit for the 34573847th time that I was engaging with white queer media. And I knew that if Nick and Charlie were Black Brits, they wouldn't be getting half the attention they are now. Even less if the boys were girls and we had a sapphic relationship on our hands. (But that sapphic story from Hummingbird Games is still brewing, and Corey and Jacob's story was ready first.)

Also....the biphobia is real. It's insidious. I could write a whole book about how the straights and the gays need to get their shit together. I could then write a sequel about how the Black community can be some of the worst offenders when it comes to our Bi Fam and say some of the most ignorant and devastating things. But I had limited time on my hands and decided to write a short VN instead. Once I let Corey just be, exist as the person he is, everything fell into place.

Things That Went Right...

I took a very niche, very Specific To Me, very nestled in the space between my heart and my brain and wrote a script just so I could be a part of a game jam specifically highlighting and supporting the work of Black game developers.

And I submitted the bitch on time.

I'm always down for anxiety rep!!! As a fellow anxiety haver, I say the more visibility the better!!! At the same time, it's not a one size fits all, and there were some things I dealt with that I'd never seen depicted and I figured I might as well be true to my experiences. Maybe someone would take solace in Corey the way I've taken solace in other characters for reflecting my lived experiences.

I tried new things I was scared of or didn't have time for with HSD or didn't feel confident enough to sit and learn previously: partial voice acting (and holding auditions to incorporate more), a text message system (which wasn't my own but part of learning to code for me means being able to take what others have done and replicate and/or use it myself), and implementing music and sound effects with intention. I've done it with film, but games are a close cousin in a lot of ways. A LOT of ways. I should remember that.

I still didn't do too well in the marketing department but for this game, it didn't feel like a failure. I also didn't really try. Oops. I've got to do better. I went into Crushed knowing it wouldn't have half the audience HSD does, and yet the feedback I've received for Crushed has made me want to break down into tears of relief.

I launched the game around 10 something at night my time and proceeded to be sick with anxiety for about 3 days. For three whole days I legit felt like I was going to die. And then I wanted to laugh because didn't I just make a game to express a version of the human condition?

Things That Were Different...

HSD showed off my skills when it comes to intensive planning and sticking mostly to that plan. Crushed was a jam entry that became more extensive over time and found me flying off the seat of my pants.

I also had less (aha, zero???) budget this time around. Because again. Jam entry. It wasn't supposed to be a Big Affair. But now that it's over and out to you guys, I'm not mad. You could say that it all worked out.

If I Could Go Back, I Would...

For one, I would have smacked the voice in my head that said "let's add more voice acting now". I love the feature, but there's no reason why I couldn't have done auditions after release. I was impatient and restless waiting for art assets, and my idleness led me to take on more things just to not feel useless. I Have Learned My Lesson, thanks.

I Had The Pleasure of Learning...

There will always be an obstacle in the way of game development. (And sometimes your body will be your own worst enemy, yuck.)

I don't know who my audience is (yet) for HBG but I'm always a part of it. And that's not a bad thing. If I hadn't felt so strongly about Crushed or even HSD, neither project would have happened because I would have given up a long time ago.

To the Future...

Empasis on future, but the world of Crushed isn't exhausted. It lives in the bigger universe of HSD:JY but took on a life of its own. So it's no surprise that Corey and his friends became even more precious to me. Not that I know when I'll be able to work on it, but right after finishing and publishing the demo, I outlined a rough draft for a kinetic novel sequel told through Jacob's POV. In my head, Corey's story was always half of a whole, and busting out Jacob's outline so quickly confirmed that.

(What I didn't anticipate was how loved Oke and Keegan would be, or that there would be a want for their story outside of myself??? Between us and this postmortem, I hope to sort out their deal and get the satisfaction of seeing another type of love story/dynamic I can't get enough of and share it!)

Closing Thoughts

The comments I've gotten concerning Crushed and noting the appreciation for its slice-of-life/grounded-ness is reassuring! Maybe I'll branch out to other genres, but realism will be something I always come back to. Also, making Crushed wasn't too traumatic soooooo that means I'm still making games LOL! Can't get rid of me yet!

- Gemini 💛

(some links of other posts where I went on tangents concerning the creation of Crushed; these can also be found by searching the tag "crushed vn"!)

Music Inspo and Crushed

Memes Tag Game

Game Dev Commentary: Bonus Content

[nitunio]

tsukumo ryo for the character ask meme :3

Thanks for the askkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and when i thought that i wont see this name in my ask box.....

Ryo Tsukumo (by unpopular but much appreciated demand)

BINGOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

joking JOKING

BINGOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

In all honesty. When I first watched Third Beat I was so jawdropped by him and what he's doing and it made me irrationally scared to the point where I forgot about taking screenshots (i usually do so for future reference). and a month after I still caught myself thinking back to i7 because to me it was just another anime but HE was one of the characters that made me stay. He made me want to know what happens next So Much that I spent hours on wikis and websites searching more info on how to access more stories besides the anime. I AM SO NORMAL ABOUT HIM

and when I continued thinking back to him I found myself with the following thoughts: "evil. so hot." and "wow. he's like. proper disgusting. im intrigued!!!!" and by lords. when i first drew him on emotion it felt like an electricity jolt to my brain. I was never the same since. and I went back to rewatch Third Beat. and I read third part and fourth part and.

It's always a stage play and he's performing for everyone. If nobody's paying attention to him, he will point all lights to himself. But not in that way, pay attention in a different way. Love him, like him... If nobody likes him, then everybody shouldn't. If he is bad, then he should be the worst. If he wants something, he will get it. There are so many cracks within his fragile ego facade. And the only ones for him, the only ones he could peel this wrapping for, even if for a bit, are Riku and Momo. (and ZOOL in pt6)

I project onto him and make many headcanons because I can relate to a lot of his characteristics that CAN BE VERY MUCH MISSED BY THE AUDIENCE WITH HOW QUICK AND SUBTLE THEY ARE. or maybe im just catching myself in the "he's just like me fr" and starting to make things up You never really know with this sort of stuff.

There are two Ryous for me -- the bastard evil guy I want to impale and the Canonly Childhood Traumatised and coping with it in the worst ways possible (which is a recurring theme for characters in i7). I do feel like he gets a lot of hate because people (rightfully so) don't wish to delve deeper into his character because he serves as a good plot device even in his "irredeemably evil" state. I think that another layer of "sinister" gets placed on top considering that He Can Get Worse. it's always possible with the kinds of situations that a lack of regulation and help can bring and He Did Get Worse (ex: balcony scene)

The bastard evil guy is a good flavour of Ryou too because of the situations he can put others in. He's silly, unpredictable, evil, remorseless, sadistic, and absolutely unhinged. hes probably good in bed because of that but please disregard this whole sentence right now. everyone else is wrong and right about him because of how little we get of his screentime that is really about himself but THERE IS SOOO MUCH SO MUCH.

re: aesthetic, gender, design. awooga. 2/3 of my fave colours (orangeish yellow and purple), fave hairstyle (middle part), fave eyes (dead inside), fave frame (look at his back!) I WANT TO STEAL HIS GENDER. I LOVE THE murderous aesthetic I love the playhouse wife aesthetic i love the "i want to be the spoiled child" thing hes got going on . i love his outfits i love his expressions i love his moves i love HIS DESIGN. I FUCK WITH IT SO HARD PLATONICALLY WJAT AM I SAYING AT THIS POINT

Anyways. that was like. a fraction of my thoughts i just scrolled back up and realised ive been torturing you with my elder-scroll worth of text wall

[silentmassacres]

mon, oct 28

separation, maturity, and secrecy

i'm rambly today.

thinking about how things like this are viewed as an art of sorts. there's art in suffering when everybody wants to be a tortured artist, isn't there?

a part of me feels that it's almost immature. the sentiment of grow up and deal with it resounds within me. but sitting here, with my online vent blog, complaining about how the internet makes misery into this thing to be projected onto an audience is hypocritical. i don't think i want an audience. i don't think so.

—

i have a tendency to look down upon others. it's not a conscious thing. but the thing is, i am, objectively, othered. when you're placed apart from others, there's hardly a neutral option. at least with how you're treated or viewed. you're either above or below others. i'm sick of being below and unfortunately sweet neutrality is out of my grasp.

i can't live another year of forcing myself below others for their satisfaction. if i'm to live in the shadow of difference then i'll at least view myself in a positive light, at least in that instance.

—

i like to view myself as more mature than others. i guess it's right, considering. pretty much every older person in my life would verify. people see it as rude to recognize that; i don't fully see why i shouldn't be allowed to express that, especially if it makes me feel negatively — if you're upset about being perceived as immature, why not grow? i wish i was older, so it would be normal.

it's hard, emotionally. maybe it's trauma or maybe it's just something i grew up with. but i've always been regarded as emotionally mature. and i'm sure every single traumatized kid could say the same thing but do they mean it? have you genuinely been mistaken for twice your age, or was it just a predator saying that to make you feel special?

—

i dislike talking about my experiences with internet predators. i was smart. i knew what game i was playing. i never fell into any of it, not really.

there's plenty of instances i can't remember. maybe one or two that i can remember, but only one of those was i unaware. and so was everybody else involved. can i be blamed?

i see plenty of people talk about. falling for it, i guess. i suppose it's a pro to be smart enough at a young age to not get seriously involved. maybe they knew and didn't care. it seems silly to me, but i understand — desperation will do that to you.

i haven't. actively sought out anybody like that in a long time. my risky sexual behavior was limited to people my age, thank god. not that it helps, i guess, but it's far better than it could've been; i'd rather leave feeling used rather than feeling like a toy for some creep. i'm better than that. i have to be

—

that's part of my issue. things could be much worse. things have been bad, to be fair. but i look at other people and their misfortunes and i know it's worse. i try to avoid victimblaming, obviously, but i do. wonder if it gets to a point. it got to a point with me, where i knew what creeps wanted and i knew how to not get hurt. is it the same for others? did they not know, or did they genuinely not care?

but again, things could be worse. things could be a hell of a lot worse if i didn't know how to. deal with things. i know how to regulate my emotions and reactions, so i don't act out in the way that others might. even when i really fucking want to.

and it's funny, really. the times where i do allow myself to do that — the times in which i'll broadcast an episode or lash out or do anything impulsive, it turns on me. because i've set up this standard. i set the standard for perfection and when i don't meet it, i feel as though i'm met with contempt rather than understanding.

that's probably part of why i'm so withdrawn about my emotions anyways. not even probably, i know it is. i know from a very young age that displaying upset was a threat, and thus i learned to deal with things on my own. nobody was going to fix it for me. i think others may be behind on that thinking

—

sometimes i wonder if it's worth it to improve certain things. do you really want me to open up about every awful thought and feeling, or do you just like the illusion of me being open?

i often find myself feeling hysterical in some sense when i'm like this. my hormones are out of control right now, and thus, so am i. i don't think anybody really grasps that, but that's fine, i guess. again, i don't expect any actual help at this point.

i have to consider whether i should genuinely give up some things, such as my emotional secrecy, or if that's solely for the contentment of others. i'm tired of pleasing others when it drains me. unfortunately, that's all interaction tends to be. (this isn't true. i'm prone to black and white thinking and focusing on specific feelings which are amplified by both that and the hormone issue)

—

i really wish i had some sort of professional help. i'm tired of trying to explain my issues to receive zero help at all. i need somebody on a similar level as me to listen and actually do something

i think it's funny if i'm expected to just know what is and isn't required for healing. it feels that way sometimes, like i'm supposed to just fix everything on my own. i'm so tired of living in that

[mpregonfb]

Rules, regulations, and about the page

Hello! I actually finally utilizing this blog for my FB page, and I am finally happy that I did. This has been a long time coming

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I hope that this clears up everything. We, the admins want your stay at the mpreg page to be pleasant, and ask for you to take things into consideration. I know that some of these rules may not seem fair, but even large websites have rules that you must abide by.

[pippinpeppa]

write again—

rise again—

this past 2 weeks had been tiresome and difficult. i terribly miss my locks of hair, the hair i’ve grown for almost 3 years. they’re gone. i had to say goodbye when i was not ready. my dream to donate it was shattered. the dream i had been cradling for the last 5 years.

you know what, if you pass by, you are a lost cause. i would be glad if you read this. you robbed me of myself. and at times, i fantasize for my vigilante shit against you because in this land you have more money and power than me. you are so loud.

but let me ask what i have always been wondering,

why the fuck you need to cut your hair after i did? in the almost exact same style?

get a pair of glasses that look similar to mine,

and there are activities i am too exhausted to สาธยาย.

that’s a heinous crime. very insidious to do such things. going every where i went, then posting the pictures online, making me scared as fuck, making me seem delusional and insane. but no. YOU ARE. this is stalking. and the way you did it was absolute mindfuckery because it was so subtle and nobody understands why I am this afraid.

you came to me as a child asking for guidance, then snatched it shamelessly. you body snatcher. you even exploited my knowledge, resources, ideas, and experiences for your stupid and as-empty-as-you female gang. I hate you, very much. and i know it’s legit because finally, on 20th april 2024, you showed me your true colors. you showed me soooooooo well how you deceive people in the name of “love.” you seemed so proud to “rob” others’ hearts. but what you didn’t know was that, love is not a game. if you play that game, or if it was a game to you, then it could never be love. it’s called limerence. you just treat others as a mean to an end. an end to satisfy you. people are just toys to make you feel better about your shitty behaviors, attitudes, and appearances. you are extremely privileged and never realized that. AT ALL. you are an ugly spoiled brat who was charged with drunk driving so you spent a few nights in jail. that’s not rebellious and it’s not funny. never. it is dangerous. my mind has been playing tricks on me, spitting your sugar-coated buzz phrases like, “it’s her money, her body, her life, her choices,” but bitch please look at yourself and what you have done and caused. you caused disorderly and heartaches because you don’t decompress nor self-reflect nor regulate your own emotions. all you do is drink, get drunk, get high, go on psychedelic trips, which make you look cool i guess.

you inflict people around you with violence disguised as teasing. i hate it. they are very บัดซบ. name-calling a guy you date “stupid” because he lost his phone was terrible. you are a terrible person whose appearance was altered medically and you even expect people to just admire it. how can it be a crime if they don’t think you are pretty? in fact, i did think you are pretty but everybody else didn’t…. and that cannot be my fault. how can that be my fault? even? i started to see you as ugly when i learned the crimes you did and hid. from my place, i can only tell you that, karma is real. it’s really real. and i gotta admit that at some point, i got furious and wished i saw you burned in flames of avicii. and yeah, i was the one who got burnt badly. until i release myself from my own (or was it yours?) passion. i know now that karma will track you down without my help and when karma reaches you, when it’s your time, you will think of me, my faces will be the only thing you can see. and i cannot say i will have empathy for your suffering. (look at your suffering maybe? significant other responding late is not a crime, you know that? in fact if you admit that you are horrible, something might change)

you are a female jerk. your intentions towards others are malicious as fuck and i am scared. you scared the shit out of me just recounting your wrongdoings towards others around. i was dumbfounded and speechless on why someone could be this envious, jealous, empty, selfish, and narcissistic. like, how a person could choose a seat in a college just to take it away from some classmate you hate. i should have dismissed you since that day 4 years ago. no good person would do that just for fun.

but thank you though, for revealing how sick you are. so i was awaken that you are the ill-hearted one, not him. he has always been respectful and you gaslit me into thinking that he was a cheat. YOU ARE. you cheated on him. he was innocent. he was attracted to me and i was attracted to him, but we never acted on it, knowing our life choices. we never even talk or interact. he never cheats. it’s all your fantasy. i am still hurt i let you plant this idea in my brainstem. that he cheats. he is so pure you wouldn’t even know.

i also know that you are violent in other relationships but you are sneaky and know how to avoid the laws. of course, your father is charged with corruption but no one cares since he has a tons of friends, money, power, statuses, and a lot more. no wonder your visa was rejected.

i used to have empathy for you, but not anymore.

it is pure disgust.

oh no, there is anger too.

oh and i gotta admit there’s joy as well. when i see that you didn’t look so pristine like your online persona. you stink, your hair is greasy, your face not a porcelain, your nose looks weird, your lipstick was missing and you’re not as thin as in the picture. basically that persona is not even real. there is none.

i don’t know you at all,

[nettchan01]

Censor and ethical question

Nice. So when I was posted out. Images on my Instagram account for my new one. I post up all of my journeys, including sculpture pieces and so many things that I could do, and I try to follow the rules whenever they request, no photographs and nothing allowed if I don't have a I just only post up a public table folders wheels at a public space was and I personally think the Ravensbourne were Greenwich Ravensbourne Sculpture pieces, which is has a quite grotx and acidic styles. But still, don't say you're not allowed to post images. The fact is, when I got like the band, even if I put outside the tag lines or talking about the sculpture pieces, I got like told, it's like they need to be got checked or it's. Way to acetate, and I was a bit like questioning a part of life. How come it is my you up? My photographs did not harm anyone outside of public space, and they allowed us to photograph publicly. Why do we get fresh to end from Instagram Instagram there are so many young children, even in my country, using Instagram for professional content or publication. Instagram needed to wait till they could ban the things out, which I personally think is unfair because those people are recreating their self in a town even if the Instagram decided to ban the account. And I am the one not doing anything, just not harmfully photographing the public. Spaces just post pictures, follow the rules, get questioned, and get their pictures banned from Instagram. I really wish the piracy rose with Instagram would change, but I really wanted to know what everybody else for the day thinking or what their journeys and experiences are because it's so many questions. and it was a bit too stretched out, especially because now I saying young age well. As long as young people respect their roles, they should use social media. Yeah, because social media is created to be uploaded to. Creative content and learning something, a general lazy time to post up, or just an average day to post up and. make just. Profane, I think it should be kept instead of having those big social media accounts. The rules up with social media and not questioning the people are done to cut the regulations out who'd done any violated the rules just doing my thing photographing and yeah, asking the people really do like violating rules, for example, people decided to fire their hairs up, or people decided to. Do professional talks or arguments on live streams or a photograph of their bodies to body shaming themselves publicly and body shaming others. That's the main key thing: it has to be watched over.

[c0smicfern]

not saying this is evidence of anything. in fact, it may well be the opposite in some regards. but i've been having more difficulty... talking? i sort of forgot how effortful it used to be for me, but it seems that my ability to talk is heading in that direction again. i don't know if that's just because my current job is sort of toxic to my overall functioning, or if it may be due to some side effect from the medication. additionally, the issues that i experienced with... volume regulation(?) / social anxiety(?) as a child have returned. meaning, not only has talking *in general* become somewhat more difficult (i can still do it, but it's annoying how much i have to *force* myself for anything that isn't scripted at my work), but also speaking loudly enough for other people to actually *hear* me has become a struggle again. i think it's more likely to be due to social anxiety, but i honestly feel like the medication had been helping with that? maybe i was wrong. i just feel myself slowly getting worn down again, which doesn't inspire confidence! if it's just adhd, i should be able to do these things!! i'm not even working full-time!! i keep going back to this thought, "if they can do it, why *the fuck* can't i?" i've just gotten so much worse. it's like... only a few years ago i had been building my skills to deal with normal daily life & made great strides, i thought. i was working... roughly what i'm working *now*, took much harder courses than the ones i'm doing now, and i still made time for my interests. and i was fine! more than fine, i was fucking *happy*. i felt good & dealt with the things life threw my way. now, i get home from work & i feel too exhausted to really do anything. that's unacceptable. if they can do it, i should be able to as well. i can. i just need my brain to *fucking cooperate*. i can't keep working my full, scheduled shifts, go home, lay down, fight myself to make dinner, maybe watch something, and then go to bed. can't keep getting through the work week only to feel exhausted & fight with my brain over using my weekend to do the things that i should have been doing all week vs. what *it* wants to do & just use the time to engage with my interests bc i couldn't find the energy during the work week. i don't know what's going on with me, but i've gotten *so much worse*. in high school, i was working... pretty much full-time & still made time for homework AND my interests. i guess the difference is that i'm an adult now & have *slightly* more responsibilities than i did then. but i don't think i could do what i did then, now. i feel... basically like i did in middle school. struggling to manage what few responsibilities i have, struggling to fucking *talk*, hating myself & wishing i could be *anybody else*. i used to be so much more. my overall life experience has been slowly building myself up, so i could barely measure up to what i'm supposed to be. didn't realize that all of that would come crashing down by literally *continuing to do the things that i should be able to do* & not taking breaks from being a normally functioning person. i'm not even autistic. i haven't been feeling especially depressed recently, either. yet, i'm getting worse *again*. will this shit never fucking stop? i need to be a normally functioning person. there is nobody in the entire world that will hold me up if i continue to fail at this. everybody expects me to be able to do these things, so i need to. that's all. no room for doubt or struggle, *only* execution. so, ultimately, i'll continue on until i can't. as hard as it's become in recent years.

[spirituallyyellow]

30/9/23

Yesterday, when I was still on the plane home, my thoughts kept jumping around from person to person, and then from imaginary situation to imaginary situation, and then I started an anxiety spiral (as fucking always). I tried to think about God and I silently blurted out to him, “I miss you.” And then I cried, silently, for two hours.

I saw some friends from the commune recently and ended up saying far more about myself, my life, and my feelings than I think I ever have to any other person. I stopped performing vulnerability and became actually vulnerable. So of course I fled upstairs to my room as soon as it was not impolite to do so. I didn’t take off running or anything - I just slipped away. They all knew, of course. They probably all knew that I cried myself to sleep, too. But I had to get away from them, from people generally.

It’s so humiliating and embarrassing to cry. It’s even worse when you’re talking about your life and you see everyone else start to get that same look of dawning horror. Like oh no, she’s really actually properly a broken person and this is way too much for anybody to deal with, she should speak to somebody about that kind of a look.

And then a couple of days later, I told one of these friends that I loved him and thought he was great and I was glad to have him in my life. He returned the sentiment, but I can’t bring myself to really believe it. I think I put him in an awkward position, which I really didn’t mean to do. I wasn’t looking for a mutual sentiment, I just wanted to say my piece.

I don’t know.

I wish I had a really good friend who had similar beliefs to me. Who I could see often.

This friend said that he felt like I’d spent most of my life taking care of everybody else and that he would like to be someone who could be a safe person for me to take up space around.

And a different person there said that I was so likeable, and I replied, almost but not quite flippantly, that most people found me likeable and interesting at first but once they got to know me, it stopped. She said, “Is that actually true, though, or is that what you’ve been told by certain people?”

I mean, I don’t know. She started talking about the enneagram which I kind of feel like is bullshit, but I didn’t say anything. Whether I’m a 4 or an 8 or a 3.14, I appreciated her kindness. She didn’t have to be nice to me but she was.

I ended up telling her about when I was molested, and I told her that I had first told a mutual acquaintance a long time ago and he blew it off as “sounds like normal cousin experimentation to me; I don’t think this is significant.” (Those words are burned into my brain forever.)

WELL IT FELT SIGNIFICANT TO ME JACKASS.

Anyway, she was also really annoyed about that response, which felt a little cathartic. The other two people I’ve told the whole story to have had very little visible reaction, I guess as part of their training or something, and it made it all feel more unsettling. Her frank emotional response made me feel more normal, which was nice.

And I talked to them about the way my tutor spoke to me and treated me last time I was at the commune and they were all like, “wow so you were shamed” and it felt like a bit of a relief to hear other people say it.

In my real life, I never cry, but these people could be forgiven for thinking I’m lying about that because I’ve done so much fucking crying in front of them. It feels like shit btw.

I hate how out of control my emotions feel. As soon as I engage with them in any meaningful way, it feels like they swell up like an ocean wave and overwhelm everything. I have to get better at ignoring it, regulating it, hiding it from others. I don’t care what anybody says - no one wants to deal with that, because everybody has their own shit going on. I’m tired of burning through friendships by trusting that people really do want to hear about how I’m feeling.

They want to hear “I’m great! How are you?”

And that’s just a fact.

I still think about my little heavenly house, where I’m far away from everyone and the only person who can access me is God. It sounds more and more wonderful the older I get. The tea will stay the perfect temperature, I will never be lonely, and I can just read and read and read and never need to feel anything other than contentment.

I think God wants me to try gardening again.

[viewtifulsilverjo]

Back Here Again

It seems I’m back here again writing down what’s on my mind because nobody ever reads what is here. Its one of those late nights where I really feel alone and like nobody gives a shit and me being here and now makes it probably right. I really don’t know why I bother with my existence most days but I think its because I don’t really have the effort or time to be offing myself or some corny shit. Everything that I go through seems all for naught and I feel like I’m wasting my time. Is it bad that I feel like I’m better off when I’m going through extreme turmoil than when I’m trying to regulate things? My interests are lost to me. I don’t feel like gaming, I don’t feel like working, I don’t feel like hanging out or talking to anyone. It just all feels absolutely positively pointless. And you know, the one girl who I thought I was taking interest in, that shit seems pointless now too. I feel like she’s being incredibly selfish. I know she doesn’t owe me anything, but it feels like she’s just using me for energy. It feels like she feeds off of me in a sense. Thats why my self destructive behaviors probably annoy her because she cant feed off of that. She needs me seemingly happy and enjoying her for her to feast. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And i feel so betrayed by that. The reasons she gives for not wanting to be with me really don’t make any sense whatsoever. I know I have no choice but to respect them but it feels like she wants all the aspects of a relationship but without committment so she can be free to do whatever guilt-free. And if something were to come up she could play the “Oh but we’re not together” card. And while that may be true, why bother making it feel that way for purposes other than abuse I suppose. I always feel like people mentally abuse me and have fun while doing it. I don’t know why I bother wasting my time interacting with people when no one wants what I want. Everybody wants what they want and nothing else. I give and give and give and everybody else takes. And i have some people that i have some balance with, but all of that feels fruitless in the end. It feels like everyone is just going to disappear and that I really shouldn’t bother. I’m probably right, in the end I’ll lose it all again and I’ll just be back to wallowing in my self pity until the day that I die. I wish I was a stronger person and could off myself. I envy those who have killed themselves successfully. Kudos to you for freeing yourself. If only I could be so brave, But im not. I’m just a sorry excuse for nothing who doesn’t deserve to be here so I’m stuck. All I’m going to do is go home and lay in my bed and wake up and work and pretend like I want to be here even remotely. And people wonder why I’m self destructive but don’t want to concern themselves with what I truly want. I want everybody and everything to leave me the fuck alone so I can dissasociate. Maybe if i didn’t have to pretend like I liked anyone or anything and was truly away from it all then I could be at peace. Maybe then I’ll have the power to end my life and never return. The end is coming for me soon, I hope. Until then I’ll just lay down and cry about it and pretend like I want to be anything with anyone, only for them to waste my time and get what they want and to leave me empty, again. Oh well woe is me, let me go be a bitch and  cry about it. Fuck I hate life. SOmeone please kill me, thanks. 

[creaturebehavior]

damn. life hurts. i think i’ve been having a really hard time.

i feel like i will never get out of this hole because the world wasn’t designed for me. i get burnt out every time i try to do what everybody else is doing

all i want is to run away. i have no income and nowhere to run.

i wish i at least had money for drugs.

i can’t believe i’m alive. i don’t want to do this anymore. i can’t wake up to this anymore.

i wish i at least could afford to use drugs. i can’t believe how suicidal i feel today. i haven’t felt this way in a really long time.

i wish i could be more normal. all i want is to work a little job and to make enough to get my needs met but i can’t even hold a conversation with a human or barely leave my house

I feel trapped. and i know if i try to kill myself again i’ll just end up not getting the help i need like every other time and for some reason i can never fucking die like i just won’t die i always live no matter how many overdoses or seizures are car crashes or the whole town burning down while i’m driving through it in my car but for some cruel reason i just won’t die.

i have to find another way. i’m honestly kind of afraid to die but i’m also so afraid to keep on living. i think if i were to seriously attempt suicide again, i would try carbon monoxide poisoning in my car in the garage but i’m just afraid i would have too much time to change my mind. i always think a lot about hanging myself so that i can’t change my mind but i can’t find anywhere in my house to hang myself from.

idek. i’ve been having a really bizarre week, mentally. i lot of flashbacks. a lot of dreams. a lot of recent fumbled social interactions m, reinforcing my fear of interacting with people. a lot of awareness around my behavior, past and present and how toxic of a person i’ve always been. i don’t know how to heal from this or change. i’m in so much pain all the time i’m such a selfish person, i’m just like my dad, my whole life is about how much pain i’m in and making it every im else’s problem. This is the reason why i avoid people and isolate myself from everyone, because i don’t know how to behave. i don’t know how to not act out. i don’t know how to regulate my emotions. i don’t know how to filter my thoughts. even if it’s accidental, i am rude. i feel feral. i feel completely detached from the song and dance everyone does with each other. i have such low empathy. i find it hard to care about anybody. i’m so burnt out, i find it hard to continue to politely pretend i care about anybody.

i’m clearly very unwell. at least i’m aware of it now, right? i just can’t fathom how i’m gonna get better. i’m exhausted. i don’t know how to try to care i don’t know how to be better. i cut myself off from the world. i try so hard in my little interactions when i run my necessary errands and i try to be nice but i still am accidentally rude and i come off very strangely. whenever i’m stone cold sober i appear to be on drugs because i’m so out of touch with reality and i’m so mentally fucked in the head. don’t know what it is. severe dissociation and anxiety i guess. I have been having to confront my internalized ableism as i haven’t been this sick in awhile, and the older i get the slightly more self aware i’m becoming. I realize how visibly ill i am. and it’s been difficult to bring that around other people because i feel so much shame being as.. out of whack… as i am. i wish i could hold it in but i just can’t mask anymore. i got so burnt out and i’m so sick.

ugh. i don’t know how i’m gonna get past this. i know something obviously needs to change. clearly i need some kind of help but i’m scared to get vulnerable with more mental health professionals. i’ve had some bad experiences in recent history that really messed up my relationship with therapy and treatment. i’ve developed trust issues that i know i’m going to have to get over but they are very real. my last therapist made me feel worse at every session but i kept seeing her because i was convinced it was a me problem, because i have a really difficult time opening up to people already. we didn’t click but i saw her for like two years because i thought i just needed to warm up to her because i already have trouble trusting anybody. and now i’m all screwed up cuz we had so many bad sessions i can barley remember what it’s like to have a good therapy session and when i reflect on all the years i’ve been in therapy and i’ve only really connected with one therapist out of idek what feels like countless therapists i’ve tried. It’s so hard to find someone i feel i can be open with.

idek. i feel stuck

[punkpandapatrixk]

☆°・. Productivity?! What About Mental Stability?? .・°☆ | Punk Girl Culture

I’ve long considered the idea of ‘increasing productivity’ in an individual a farce. For the most part though, it’s because I’ve understood none of the methods would work for me—a someone who’s regulated more by emotions than logic. Hey, no shame in that. My Jupiter (the planet of higher thinking and philosophy) is in Cancer—of course I think in feelings. What do you want me to do about it? Betray myself and pretend like I’m someone else—all so I could fit in this machinery of a broken society? Hell no. As silly I can be, I’m not stupid.

But where was I going with this??

Oh, right.

You know all of these ideas about becoming more productive? Tons of adults wouldn’t shut up about it. Always at the ready to insinuate a generation of lazy and how they feel sorry for the sorry behaviours of these lazy, ungrateful kids. But I think they’re all missing the point: the kids aren’t lazy; they’re depressed. And who’s fault is that? And I think you’re also missing the point: none of you in this generation can get productive without solid mental stability; because, unlike them, you’re not living in a sorry era of lack by means of world wars. You know you aren’t motivated by money for survival. For the most part, you really aren’t—even if you think you should be.

And that’s where the conflict arises. You’re a generation of peeps who are intuitively—perhaps even spiritually—clear about what you want to do with your Life. It’s just that what you want isn’t something highly regarded, if approved, by your ancestor/society. And if anything, they have mega-successfully created this complex system that makes it hard for you to achieve your very own dream Life.

I dunno, that solarpunk world that’s currently just a far-fetched dream of a new paradigm? Yeah, that, maybe, and some other futuristic, or even nostalgic, ways of Life that seem so fucking dreamy because you wish for a kinder society. And if you say you don’t like that the world is too harsh and unforgiving, they call you weak and incapable. Well, after all, the generation that came before was so amazing at being cruel towards themselves, subsequently turning them into deceitful monsters devoid of empathy.

I’m talking to you, boo-fucking-mers👀

And that’s exactly the mould they’ve carefully prepared for you to shape yourselves into. To become capable adults who are grounded in reality, practically responsible, and productively contributing to your society. Your dastardly broken society. And so you’re forced to settle for less than your uniquely awesome dream. Day to day to another day to the next month and year and forever. And that’s why you’re ever so regretfully constantly internally sad. And suddenly, you aren’t even clear anymore about what being alive on Gaia is all about.

I think most of you Humans are indeed a sorry bunch for internally, albeit confusedly, agreeing to this whole notion of being a useful cog in the machinery of your unforgivingly evil society. I mean, machines are wonderful and all—they do make life that much easier and enjoyable. But you, as that very cog for sustaining a machine that benefits the fleeting pleasures of devils whilst destroying all else that’s actually good for your mental stability? That’s so sod—I mean sad.

I honestly don’t believe you know what Life is all about. Perhaps that’s the reason everybody wants to die. Because everything is meaningless if you can’t live a beautiful Life your Higher Self has envisioned for your Human Self. And here, everyone’s talking about productivity for the new generation. Your methods are all broken. Because none of you is addressing the root cause of your misery.

Forcing yourself to be productive whilst your heart is breaking is only gonna drive you mad. And first of all, that’s a major self-disrespect; and I hope you’re ashamed of yourselves for being so disrespectful towards your own Divinity! Okay, I’m being sarcastic, or ironic, or something, but…

But if that’s what it takes to create a productive society, I guess it’s only natural you’re all crazy. If being a sane adult means you have to be prioritising everything else that damages the foundation of your mental stability, I can only understand why the world is cruelly insane. Insanely productive. Productively insane.

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

🍃🪨🍄🧚🏻‍♂️

[Back to Masterlist]

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

I've noticed this ever-growing demand of safe spaces (in regards to everyday triggers) and I can't help but feel it's counterproductive. As someone who is diagnosed with CPTSD, I know that triggers are hurtful, but I've learned that other people do not trigger you. It's always yourself. Also, those of us who have gone through trauma cannot trust our "gut instincts". People may not realize but going with your first impulse is counterproductive to healing. How will you ever become a whole & healthy person if you stay comfortable? Staying comfortable in trauma is terrible. You seek out people who have red flag behaviour because it's comfortable and familiar. I wish people would focus more on self healing and understanding how to re-regulate their mind when it has been triggered, as it's usually a neurological problem. What are your thoughts on this?

This is entirely correct. Actually reinforcing and validating people's fears and trauma is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to be doing in pursuit of mental health.

I wrote extensively about this in the following post:

https://religion-is-a-mental-illness.tumblr.com/post/633326334042669056

There's a great speech by Greg Lukianoff here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tj7_nMQ4Amk

He, along with Jonathan Haidt, authored the article "The Coddling of the American Mind" which was then expanded into a book:

The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure

Greg is a lawyer who deals with academic freedom issues in education, working for the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education, while Jonathan is a social psychologist. So they look into it from a number of angles, including that of mental health, and the deterioration of it among higher education students, including a rise in suicides, as this ideology has taken hold.

This has come up often enough that I have a tag for this:

https://religion-is-a-mental-illness.tumblr.com/tagged/trigger-warnings

==

People threatening or imposing themselves onto you is one thing, but they're external. Fear, anxiety and, at the extreme end, trauma - and, let's be clear, not everything is 'trauma' - goes with you wherever you go.

So, the idea that society can, or should, be bent to accommodate this shadow that you carry around with you, in place of actually doing the work to get rid of or manage it, is completely unrealistic, and astonishingly unhealthy. Not to mention narcissistic, since it makes your stuff central to what everybody else talks about and how they communicate.

As you correctly identify, It's not something someone is doing to you. It's something your mind, your issues, your problems are doing to you. It's not their fault, nor is it yours; the idea that we need to figure out who to blame or assign fault, for fear of blaming the victim, is practically magical thinking, like believers assigning everything to their god or their devil. Except that things can just be something that is because of something that happened. So making your wellbeing someone else's responsibility is profoundly unreasonable.

==

The original intent of a safe space was one without judgement, free enough to take risks. For example, a couple in therapy would agree with the therapist that they could express what they needed to say without the other flying off the handle. It was a space of honesty, where ideas could be explored, truth could be uncovered and if necessary, conflicts resolved through understanding. By agreeing to put offence aside.

Modern "safe spaces," particularly on campus, are the opposite. It came to be corrupted into a place where you expect to be guaranteed not to be offended. In order to achieve that, you have to censor other people, either overtly, or by inducing people to self-censor by stigmatizing individuals or certain topics. Which is to say, a confirmation bubble. The same kind we point out that Xians keep themselves in for fear of disconfirming their god, or that someone might think their way out of religion.

==

There's a saying in the law profession:

“He who represents himself has a fool for a client” - Abraham Lincoln

This is also true of medical and psychological treatment. Some people will say "well, I know myself better than some doctor." No. Not as a human organism you don't. This is like "because I'm the only one who drives it, I know what's wrong with my car and how to fix it better than some mechanic."

If you don't diagnose and treat your own heart condition, kidney disease, cancer or STDs, why would you diagnose and treat your own mental health issues? Anyone who says this doesn't take mental health seriously, and thinks you can just play around with it like a game.

Mental health problems are, by their very nature, even more prone to distortions. Claiming clarity or knowledge about your own mental health concerns is self-contradicting. Get an objective third party who is actually trained in diagnosis and treatment.

The job of a therapist is to have someone tell you that your fears are ridiculous, not to reinforce them. Their job is to remind you that they're irrational and help you overcome them, rather than help you submit yourself, life long, to their control and the limitations they put on you. To re-empower you after a situation that disempowered you.

We don't validate and reinforce a fear of flying, a fear of string, or a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Yes, those are real things; I didn't make them up.

There's a principle in psychology which is - somewhat simplistically - expressed as "neurons that fire together wire together." Things that are reinforced, through repetition or affirmation, change the brain, both chemically and physically, to strengthen the bonds associated with that memory, that feeling. Like exercising to strengthen your muscles. This is how confirmation bias occurs.

Couple this with Negativity Bias, the human inclination to ascribe more significance, have a greater psychological impact from negative experiences than from positive ones of equal intensity. It becomes even less healthy to affirm and validate people's bad experiences., and encourage something that happened to them to be adopted as who you are.

==

In the end, one of the core problems I have is that we're sacrificing truth for comfort. These validations are as much comforting lies as "heaven" and "god loves you." Rail against comfort over truth on religious grounds, and applause often follows. Rail against comfort over truth on mental health grounds and you can almost hear people sucking their teeth.

What I find extremely hard to take is this inconsistency. Criticizing religions like Xianity for how they destroy self-esteem - "nothing without god", "nothing but a sinner", "tainted with sin from birth"... you know the drill, we've all heard the song "Amazing Grace” -  is met with enthusiastic endorsement. We recognize that part of the whole religious indoctrination process is to foster validation of someone's life and existence only through the religion and the imaginary god. it's one of the reasons religious recruitment targets the vulnerable.

When you point out that Xianity actively encourages people, particularly children, to be afraid, to live in fear (framed as "respect" or obligated “love”) of an omnipresent mind-reading judge who commands an entire dimension of fire and lava, the reaction - from non-believers at least - is that it sure is shitty, manipulative and unhealthy.

But suggest that trigger warnings are bullshit, or criticize victimhood culture for how unhealthy and flawed it is, and this can be met by tut-tutting about how mean, hurtful and invalidating this criticism is.

And yet, this is the same thing. It's encouraging people to live under the thumb of this omnipresent fear, to live in terror of awakening it and enduring its wrath. It's saying "you cannot overcome this, you're too weak." And instead to placate it with "trigger warnings" as opposed to godly prayers.

The anti-humanity notion that you're broken and incomplete, that it's a virtue to embrace this mindset, and that you can insist on others endorsing and collaborating, otherwise they're being disrespectful or hurtful for wanting better for you.

==

We can, and should, be empathetic. To real trauma, at least, not to fainting-couch therapy-dog, coloring book, "she hurt my feelings" atttention-seekers. But that doesn't mean we need to endorse people surrendering to their problems, or act as enablers, helping people internalize their problems as core to their identity so they'll never be free of them.

Being "nice" to people by endorsing juvenile palliatives such as "trigger warnings" appears to me to be more about the gratification of the enabler. It's a very short-sighted, even narcissistic form of "nice."

"I'm helping!" - Ralph Wiggum

There's such a thing as tough love, and it's no contradiction to care that someone is hurt, but to also tell them what they need to hear, rather than what they might want to hear. To say "I care about you, and that's why I'm not going to pander to you. I will help and support you while you seek help to address this problem, so you can live as fully as possible." To not want people to be crippled by their fear by convincing them that they should be afraid. I've said essentially the same thing to religious believers.

==

I recently watched the show Girls5eva, which flashes back to a time when the big thing was "girl power." Empowerment, overcoming obstacles, not being limited or held back by what you thought or were told you couldn't do, etc. Just as important for guys, of course.

Now we seem to be celebrating disempowerment.

[kairos-polaris]

A schism of magic

Chapte 1

Marinette finds a golden watch. Opening it changed a lot in her life.

***

She remembers being eight and looking at the Untempered Schism. She was prepared to see everything but not magic and gods the size of her hand. The image left a lingering need to run in her bones but she was very good at resisting the urge.

***

Marinette was tired. Exhausted. Worn out. Bone-tired.

Why? Well, studying, working on commissions, and saving Paris from Hawkmoth at the same time wasn't easy. Her schedule was packed so tightly, she hadn't slept more than four hours for almost three months.

Maybe, I should close commissions. This will give me more free time. I can also work more on finding Hawkmoth. And focus on my education,' Marinette thought. She looked around her room. Everything was calm. She narrowed her eyes in suspicion. Kwamis were similar to kids in one aspect: if they're quiet, they're making a mess somewhere. Marinette sighed and rubbed her forehead. She really was too tired to clean up anything.

Marinette sighed again and got up. Apparently, being awake for 64 hours straight wasn't good for her health because Marinette felt her head spin and everything went dark for a moment. "I need to take a nap," she muttered to herself while swaying softly. "Maybe consuming so much caffeine isn't good for me".

Finding kwamis turned out to be relatively easy. They were all sitting on her bed, next to a golden fob watch with engraved circular designs. It was a beautiful watch, Marinette had to admit.

"Where did you find it? I don't remember having anything similar," Marinette frowned. "Did you steal it?"

Judging by kwamis' guilty looks they did steal it. The next questions were how, when, why, and from whom? Marinette sighed inwardly. It wasn't going to be easy.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Marinette asked after several minutes of silence. Wayzz flew forward as the most responsible one.

"We wanted to explore a little bit," they've started, "and we accidentally flew into your parents room. Immediately after I realized where we were I made them leave. But in my hurry I didn't notice that Fluff did not go with us. And I think Fluff can tell more now."

The kwami of evolution had the decency to look guilty under Wayzz's glare. Fluff flew closer to her, trying to appear innocent. "I'm not sorry, Guardian. I had to do this for the stability of timelines. You will understand it later. This watch contains your consciousness. It is you, Guardian."

"What do you mean, Fluff?" she asked, a small frown forming between her eyebrows. "How can a fob watch be me?"

"You're a Time Lady. This watch is a part of the mechanism called the Chameleon Arc. From what I know your people use it as a perfect disguise. Chameleon Arc changes your biology and creates false memories. You have to open it," Fluff didn't wait for her answer and just dropped it on her knees.

Fluff's words seemed to be too unlikely to be true. Why would she want to change her species or create false memories? Why didn't Tikki say anything if it were true?

"Are you trying to pull a prank on me, Fluff?" she asked tiredly. She wasn't in the mood for games.

"Just open it, Guardian. I used the Burrow to make sure this is the right time. It's very important for you to open this watch."

It didn't seem real. More like from a tv show with aliens. But she was the Guardian of multiple gods. She knew that aliens existed (hard not to, considering how everybody talks about Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lanterns and others). So there was a chance that Fluff was telling the truth. The only way to find out was to open the watch. If she wasn't a Time Lord, nothing would change. And if she was … well, they would deal with it later.

A small click of the opened clasp and a bright golden light blinded her. Several seconds later the room was filled with her pained screams. And then she blacked out.

Tikki wasn't panicking. She wasn't! Nothing Plagg says can be trusted. So don't believe him when he says that Tikki was flying around her Chosen and babbling 100 words per minute.

But what if Marinette didn't wake up? What if she forgot about Tikki and the time they've spent together? What if she didn't want to see them anymore?

"Urgh, it shouldn't have hurt so much. I shouldn't have blacked out," Marinette's voice interrupted Tikki's inner monologue. Kwami immediately flew to her face to assure herself that Marinette was alright.

"How are you feeling? What has gone wrong?" Tikki asked worriedly while flying around Marinette's head.

"I'm okay, Tikki. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I didn't completely believe this watch could do anything to me." She breathed out to regulate her heartbeats. "I'm just happy… my parents aren't home. I don't know how to explain this to them."

Fluff flew closer and nuzzled into her cheek. "I'm sorry, Guardian. I didn't think something like that would happen," Fluff said, their eyes shining with regret. "What is your name, Guardian?"

"My name is Morana," she answered slowly, her head still pounding from the pain. Using her full name felt somewhat wrong. Her entire family was dead. Her home planet was most likely destroyed in the War, because the Universe was standing and Rassilon wasn't the type to change plans.

"Why did you use this thing in the first place? Was it because of the Time War?" Fluff asked before every kwami flew to them in an attempt to close their mouths.

Morana stayed silent. She trusted kwamii, she even loved them. But the Time War changed her so much that she couldn't recognise herself. Seeing death every day and being aware that your people sacrificed civilisations to win just one battle wasn't easy for her. And she didn't want to relieve everything she had seen or done.

Kwamis seemed to understand this, giving her time to collect her thoughts. She opened her mouth to start talking, but… she couldn't say anything. Every word felt too weak to describe why she had used the Chameleon Arc and what had led to this.

"It's not so easy," she started again. "I.. A lot of things featured in my decision to use it. I wasn't technically running away from the war. I was ordered to leave. You can call me a backup plan. But I was attacked while leaving. My Time Capsule is still young so she was heavily injured. And because of it I was injured, too.

Then I finally was in this Universe. Heavily bleeding, I decided that regeneration was my best choice. Something went wrong, again, and I looked like a six years old. Using the Chameleon Arc was part of Lord Rassilon's plan so that's what I did."

Kwamis stayed silent. It was clear that Morana didn't want to talk about it and they would respect her wishes. Some wounds should be left alone so they heal properly.

"You should go to sleep. You were running on sheer spite, and becoming a Time Lady again was hard for your body," Wayzz said. He was always the most responsible and caring kwami. Morana smiled at him and silently went to her bed. She had a lot of work cut out for her. She could only hope she wouldn't wake up from a nightmare.

***

Waking up a Time Lord again felt strange. Utterly strange. It must be because she had used the Chameleon Arc immediately after regeneration. Not everything was set and she should have waited a little bit. Well, what's done is done. She couldn't change anything.

What she could do was moan to kwamis about aches in seemingly all her body parts. Her head felt close to exploding from all the pressure. She could feel neurons snapping into place. It would go much easier if she were on Gallifrey. Or at least in the Zero Room. Regenerating anywhere else was awfully painful.

Due to her newly discovered heightened hearing she heard Sabine's steps. The woman most likely wanted to wake up Marinette so she wouldn't be late for school. Morana didn't want to move, less go to a public place before she could actually control her body.

"Marinette, you are going to be late if you don't get up right now," Sabine said from somewhere in the room. Morana was too overwhelmed with the amount of new smells that came with Sabine.

"I'm sorry, Maman. I have a really bad headache. Everything hurts," she said, desperately trying to tall like Marinette would. Her usual speech patterns were too proper for a teenager. However, it was a problem for later. At the very moment Mora just wanted her head to stop pounding. A very tiny part of her wanted that pain to last, this way she would not have to be confronted with silence. No telepathic specie deserved to be completely alone in their heads.

"Do you need something, sweetie?" the woman was clearly concerned, more than her actual mother ever was. Morana felt a small pang in her chest, but brushed it off immediately as an aftereffect of regeneration going wrong. "I'm going to be in the bakery, just call me when you need anything, okay?"

Kwamis flew out immediately after Sabine had left. They looked very concerned for her health, and it warmed her heart a lot. Time Lords were too proper to care for anyone other than themselves. Morana sighed inwardly, because doing so outwardly would be too painful. She was so used to resenting her own people that she forgot that they are dead. Properly dead. No crossing time streams would let her see even her most annoying cousins. And it pained her more than she wanted to admit.

"Can we help somehow, Master?" Wayzz asked softly, adjusting his voise tone so it wouldn't hurt her head. Marinette appreciated the effort. She really did. She did not appreciate being called Master.

"Plese, never call me Master, Wayzz," she said weakly. "I know a Time Lord who call himself that. He's one of the biggest annoyances Gallifrey had ever known. He had also destroyed my lab once so I don't like being reminded of him," she explained, seeing kwamis' wondering gazes. She didn't mention that reminder of the home she had lost hurt her a lot, but judging by Tikki's and Wayzz's reactions, they understood her without any words needed

"What can we do to help you, Morana? You never answered," Tikki said, carefully gouging her reaction. Morana sighed, outwardly this time. She hoped they moved on from the subject.

"Nothing, unless you can get me Gallifrey," she let out a bitter laugh. "Or my Time Capsule. Even just being there would help me greatly. But, alas, I don't know where she is. I can't move to get there anyway."

"I can try to search for it, Guardian," Barkk offered. Morana stayed silent for a moment. It would seem like a great idea if she didn't know that her Time Capsule couldn't be detected if she herself didn't approve. And Morana couldn't possibly do it from her bedroom in Paris. That's what she explained to the dog kwami. It, apparently, insulted the god a lot, because they started loudly explaining how nothing could hinder their search and that they were the best in it before remembering about Morana's headache. It seemed to shut them up pretty fast, but Morana just appreciated the silence.

"Let's tall about this later, when my brain won't try to explode and my body will be more used to… a lot of things, actually," she offered, because she really didn't want to argue with anyone. Especially with kwamis. "I'm going to sleep. Hope it will help me."

***

Sleep didn't help. Painkillers didn't help. Which was obvious, because human medicine could never help a Time Lord. Especially after regeneration.

But Marinette did feel better. Tea, apparently, helped, because after only one cup her head stopped hurting so much and she could do anything without being overwhelmed. Marinette appreciated it, but was too baffled by the realisation. She even regretted that they never had it on Gallifrey. It would help a lot of Time Lords. Especially during the Time War, because everyone was burning through their regeneration like… like Doctor!

"What are we going to do now?" she asked kwamis. Morana knew they considered her too weak to do anything and it irritated her a lot. Time Lords were a superior species, regeneration was their strength, not a weakness.

"You have to understand one thing, Guardian," Wayzz started, always the peacemaker. "We don't think you are weak or anything like that. But I personally believe that you need more rest. And you won't get it while fixing your Time Capsule. It would take a lot of time and effort to get her into proper shape, considering that you had to regenerate from all the damage," Wayzz explained slowly, like one would to a child.

Morana knew his words had logic. If she saw her Time Capsule, she wouldn't rest until everything was fixed. And it would cause major problems in the long run for her health. It could even force her to regenerate and she wasn't keen on changing her bodies like gloves. She still hated it.

"Okay, we will wait," she said after a long moment of silence and kwamis started cheering immediately. "For now we have to think how I am supposed to act." She was met with bland and confused looks. "My speech patterns, my behaviour and even the way I hold myself is drastically different from Marinette. Some things have stayed, like my intellect, curiosity and need to learn more, but a lot of Marinette was influenced by growing up as a human. I was raised completely differently."

"I can take you wherever you want, Guardian," Kaalki courteously offered. "You can change their memories a little bit, take some money and leave. I believe that you know how to hack computers."

Kaalki's offer made a lot of sense and in any other situation Morana would agree immediately. But it wasn't any other situation. "I can't leave because of Hawkmoth," she said quietly.

Mora was also ashamed of the fact that she still hadn't caught the man. It was embarrassing for a Time Lady of her status. At least she had another reason to not leave immediately to find her Time Capsule. She would be too tempted to leave and never return. Time Lords aren't meant to meddle with humans and history in general. "But the Doctor did so," a traitorous voice, the most rebellious part of her, whispered. You envy his freedom but yet you are unable to let go of Time Lords's ideals. You have to choose one day.". And that was a conversation for another day.

The next hour was spent discussing Marinette's behaviour and how Morana could start slowly changing, so her classmates (she had graduated from the Academy years ago and she still had to go to a human school and she hated that) wouldn't notice. It wouldn't be very hard, considering they could only see Lila and her pretty tales.

There was also an issue of Marinette's crush on one Adrien Agreste. It was borderline creepy and hurt Marinette's mental health. Thank Rassilon, her Time Lord consciousness was woken up just in time. In the back of her mind Morana could feel possible outcomes of the situation with Adrien and Lila and she liked none of them

Lila and her lies were another reason for Morana to burn bright red from shame. Marinette losing her composure and completely not being to defend herself was unbecoming for a Time Lady. Her parents and Academy teachers had taught her better than that.

That liar was a completely different issue. On one hand, she would keep attention diverted from Morana. On the other, she wasn't sure the liar wouldn't try to discredit her even further. Morana preferred staying hidden rather than attracting unnecessary attention. And the repeat of her infamous expulsion would do exactly that.

There was also a matter of pride. Her Time Lord part was enraged that a human girl thought herself better than her. Morana wanted to destroy the liar, make her reap what she had sowed. But deep down she knew that destroying a minor would not help her feel better.

"I want to deal with Lila without exposing her myself," she said out loud. Voicing out her thoughts sometimes helped. "I have to make someone else do it, but who?"

"You can subtly help your classmates find the truth," Tikki offered. "You are more eloquent and confident than Marinette. You wouldn't lose your head if someone started doubting you."

"It would work if I didn't change so much. I don't want to attract attention but talking to them will make them notice me. No, it won't work," Marinette shook her head. She stayed silent before a small spark ignited in her eyes. "I can make teachers expose her! I will get rid of Bustier and Damocles. This way not only will the Lila situation be resolved, but it will prevent something similar happening in the future!"

"That's an amazing idea!" Tikki exclaimed. "How do you want to do this?" But Marinette was already deep in work, cursing human technology every now and then.

Not even two hours later Morana got up with a triumphant grin. "We have to wait and see the results for ourselves now," she said.

"What did you do, Guardian?" Wayzz asked, tilting his head slightly.

"Wait and see! It will be much more interesting!" Morana didn't wait to see kwamis's reaction and just bolted out of her room. Buying computer parts was high in her priority because there was no way she would ever work with human technology without adjusting it to her needs. She also wanted to change her bedroom. Pink was a lovely colour but a completely pink bedroom was too much for Morana.

***

Morana skipped two more school days, because of fatigue and random headaches. Every time she shut her eyes from pain she was reminded of Gallifrey and Zero Room. It wouldn't hurt so much if she were there.

On the third day Morana decided it was time to go and assess the situation. She also needed proof of Bustier's unprofessionalism and her enabling bullies. She also wanted to know if anyone saw through Lila's lies. It was highly unlikely but a Time Lady could hope.

Dressing up was a major problem. Morana and Marinette had as different tastes in clothes as it could be. One preferred soft lines and pastel colours, another favoured strict forms and traditional colours. Marinette's style was too casual for Morana, who was used to stuff robes and gigantic headpieces.

"I guess I have to work with what I have for now, and then buy more when I can," Morana thought.

"You look very different from Marinette, Mora," Tikki said after Morana finished getting dressed. "But it suits you. I bet you are used to completely different clothes."

Morana decided to change Marinette's style a little bit, forgoing pigtails and usual clothes. Instead, she chose a white shirt and dress pants. She put her hair up in a bun. It was just the perfect combination of casual and formal. Morana would still do anything to wear robes from Gallifreywhich she didn't even have because her home planet was destroyed.

"I am ready. Who is going to go to school with me today?" It was a tradition at that point for Marinette to take kwamis with her to school and Morana didn't want to change it. It was decided that Trixx and Wayzz would come with her.

Morana already felt a growing headache. Unfortunately, it wasn't because of her less than stellar regeneration, but knowing what kinds of troubles Trixx could trick Wayzz and Tikki into. Hopefully Tikki would reign them in.

"Do you think Chat Noir will be suspicious when he sees me?" she asked, causing Tikki to nervously gulp. Kwami of creation wasn't a good liar. Just like Marinette.

"No! You were always very serious and strict as Marinette! I am sure he wouldn't notice the difference!" Tikki ranted, nervousness obvious in her small movements. Did she get that from Marinette too?

Morana sighed and smiled as softly as she could. "I wasn't sure that Chat was in my class but your poor lying skills just admitted it," Tikki just looked away, embarrassment and shame of exposing Chat's identity were noticeable in her eyes. Morana bit her lip, contemplating whether she should stay silent or cheer up kwami. She didn't think long. "Hey, it's okay, Tikki. It's not your fault that I know that Adrien is Chat. Human and Time Lord brains work differently, so I could imagine how Chat's face looked without the mask. I'm sure magic would help protect his identity if you always knew that I'm a Time Lady."

Tikki wasn't convinced, guilt still lingering in her little body. The previous guardian being so against Ladybug and Chat Noir knowing each other's identity has influenced kwami more than Morana thought previously. Tikki more than Plagg, obviously. "The previous guardian was a coward and not the smartest man," Morana stopped, trying to pick words that wouldn't offend the old man too much. "We don't know what would happen if Ladybug or Chat Noir were akumatized. Knowing who the other is would help us a lot. We could work together as civilians."

"Yes, you are right, Morana," Tikki said, stifling a sob. She nuzzled into Morana's cheek with a content sigh. They stood like that for several long moments. Luckily, there was still time as Morana had got up earlier to not be late.

"We have to go now, Tikki. We don't want to be late." It pained her to refuse Tikki so obviously needed comfort. But Morana couldn't allow herself to be late. Unless

"You know what? We can stay for a little bit longer. I planned everything so I would be the first in the class. We have full ten minutes for ourselves," she said with more confidence than she felt. Changing plans to make someone feel better wasn't something Time Lords would respect. But Tikki was important for her and Morana would be damned if she left her dear friend sad and hurt.

Tikki squealed happily before taking Morana's finger and leading her to the chaise. Over the course of the next several minutes every kwami flew to her. Morana thanked them mentally as being with her friends made Tikki feel much better.

Morana was ashamed to admit that she, a Time Lady with very precise time senses, had lost track of time. Instead of ten minutes they've spent almost twenty cuddling and listening to everyone's stories. And because of her tardiness she was running late. But what was unusual for Morana was normal for Marinette.

"Well, at least nobody will be surprised. Everyone expects Marinette to be late. Never expected that being late will have good sides," she thought while running to school. Fortunately, the building wasn't too far from the bakery and her physique allowed her to run faster and longer.

Morana stopped running just mere meters before her class' doors. She had two choices: enter like a mess aka Marinette's usual way, or go in calmly and confidently. She would attract less attention if she chose the second option, but it can possibly attract more attention later. But it would work if she ran away immediately after dismantling Lila's empire. Yes, that was her best choice.

Morana took a deep breath and entered her class. Everything was just the way she had expected: everyone sitting around Lila and listening to her tales, Alix and Kim were arguing about something. What she hadn't expected were Rose and Juleka. They were sitting away from everyone else, talking in hushed voices. They were also looking at Lila and her court every few seconds, which was even more suspicious. Morana sighed, knowing that she hadn't predicted everything. Again. Great.

***

Everything was too calm. Lila continued entertaining class with her stories but never mentioned anyone famous. Juleka and Rose spent the whole day whispering about something, but they were talking too soft for Morana to hear anything. And, in the name of Rassilon, did that frustrate her

Judging by Bustier's calm demeanor, Morana's plan hasn't reached her yet. The same must have been true for Damocles, because the man was acting as usual. He was also too much of an awful actor to pretend everything is fine enough to fool Morana. No, she just had to be more patient. She had more than enough time for that.

The day turned out to be utterly boring considering Lila didn't try to start a drama, or force Adrien sit with her. Juleka and Rose weren't confronted despite acting suspicious the whole time. Nobody approached "Marinette". The worst part was trying to pretend that she didn't know everything better than teachers. Her eyes twitched every time Mendeleev said something proved wrong years ago. "Patience, humans still have to disprove that and you know it. You can't compare the Academy with even the best human university. Even ones in the 51st century weren't as good,". Being the smartest person in the whole school wasn't easy, as you can see.

"Marinette, we wanted to talk to you," Rose said timidly, Juleka holding her hand. Well, apparently she had been wrong about nobody approaching her. "Can we talk in private, please? I… We have something to tell you. It's very important."

Morana contemplated refusing them. They had believed Lila but something she really wanted why they had been acting so suspiciously the whole day.

"Yes, I don't mind," she said cautiously and immediately saw tension leave Rose's body. It was so easy to read her. "We can go to the bakery. I promise that my parents won't intrude."

Juleka and Rose started nodding frantically, obviously not wanting her to change her mind. It was proving to be very interesting.

Fortunately, the walk to the bakery was short because Rose looked like she would blow up from the need to spill all the information.

Morana led them to her room, stopping briefly to greet her parents. They were so busy they didn't even notice her. Hm, not surprising.

"Well, what did you want to tell me?" she asked when they were finally sitting in her room. Rose bit her lip and started fidgeting with her fingers. She looked at Juleka with a silent plea to start talking.

"We know that Lila is a liar," Juleka said so softly Morana wouldn't hear if not for her enhanced hearing. "Rose mentioned her while talking with Prince Ali and he explained that he had never met anyone named "Lila Rossi" or that his charity work is directed to children, not pollution. He also mentioned that Lila could be sued for using his family name in her own gain.

Rose then immediately ran to our class and told everyone just that. But that liar somehow managed to save herself by saying that she had mistaken Prince Ali for her another celebrity friend. Rose then got so angry she told everyone about a possible lawsuit and that shut up Lie-la pretty quickly. After that she stopped mentioning celebrities and started focusing on herself."

That explained everyone's behaviour pretty nicely. And she didn't even have to think for herself, everything was given on a silver plate. Just use the information however you want to.

"I am so sorry, Marinette! Forgive me for not believing you!" Rose exclaimed, tears welling up in her eyes. Morana hugged her, pressing Rose's face into her chest, allowing her to cry and let out all of her emotions. She could be colder than ice sometimes, but she would never let a child cry. Especially one her human self considered a friend.

"It's okay, it's okay. I forgive you," she whispered into Rose's head, while drawing soothing circles on her back. "You know the truth and that's all I wanted."

That wasn't a lie per se but not completely a truth. Marinette only wanted her friends to believe her over Lila, but Morana wanted them all to pay for their foolishness. Fortunately, her maturity and those parts of her that still were Marinette won out and it was pretty easy to forgive Juleka and Rose.

"You are so nice, Marinette! I don't deserve your kindness!" Rose sobbed into her shoulder. "I was worried when you didn't come to school and wanted to visit you but Lila said that you wouldn't want to see me. And I listened to her! And I left you! Instead of me begging your forgiveness you are comforting me! I'm so so so sorry!"

Morana knew that Rose was a soft and nice person. She even expected her to be the first who apologized to her. She did not expect her to be so upset about it. She took a deep breath and took Rose's face in her hands. Tears were running down her red cheeks and she let out an ugly sob with every breath.

"It really is okay, Rose. I understand you and why you wouldn't believe me. I have not the best track record when it concerns Adrien," she said with a self-ironic smile, hoping it would make her feel better. And Rose did have a small smile. "I actually am happy that you have found the truth by yourself and went immediately to tell everyone. It shows how much you care about them."

"But… but you did the same!" Rose protested. "You knew that she was a liar and immediately decided to tell everyone! You knew how harmful her false promises were and acted to protect everyone! But they just thought you were jealous and it's so unfair!"

Morana smiled softly and wiped away remnants of Rose's tears. "You were very brave, Rose. You had seen them not believing me and still acted to protect them. Some part of you knew they wouldn't believe but you trusted them enough to ignore that voice. It's not your fault Lila knows how to change your words to fit her narrative."

"I'm also very sorry, Marinette. Luka likes you and I doubt he would if you actually stole necklaces and pushed people down the stairs," Juleka chuckled before realisation dawned on her. It looked like a lightbulb in her head was turned on. "If you actually pushed Lila down the stairs, she would be seriously injured. And she would require medical attention anyway."

Juleka continued listing Lila's most obvious lies but Morana didn't listen. She just grinned. Apparently, some of her classmates did have more than one brain cell. And it was the most fascinating thing seeing one of them use it properly. Was it why the Doctor spent so much time with humans? Was it the reason he took them to see the Universe? To see them grow and change? To make them see the world in a different light? If so, then Morana could finally understand why the Doctor had so many human companions. Maybe, after getting her Time Capsule back she would invite someone to go with her. It would be fun.

"... Marinette? Marinette? Are you listening?" Juleka's worried voice drew her out of her thoughts.

"I'm sorry. Could you repeat the last bit again?" she asked, trying to look as sheepish as possible. Juleka and Rose exchanged a look that could be translated to "Marinette being Marinette and getting lost in thoughts as usual". Morana tried her hardest to not be offended, considering they weren't wrong but she did huff causing both girls to start laughing. At least Rose wasn't crying anymore.

"I asked what we could do to expose Lila. We could ask Jagged Stone to come. Or Clara. Or call Prince Ali," Juleka said after she stopped laughing.

"I don't think it's a good idea," she started. "Media would twist everything to fit their narrative. Why would a famous rockstar or a pop singer or an actual prince come to disprove lies of a teenager? A lot of people lie about knowing celebrities but nobody pays attention to them. Media would ask "what's so special about that girl?" and I'm sure Lila would use it to her own benefit," she said with a small sigh. They were Marinette's thoughts, her trying to not call Jagged to solve the Lila problem.

"You are right," Juleka said after thinking for a minute. "But how do we expose her?"

"It's simple. We won't," Morana simply stated. Juleka and Rose shared a confused look before looking at her expecting an explanation. "New teachers will. I want Damocles and Bustier fired. I believe new teachers won't be so lenient in their responsibilities and would look into Lila's medical history. They would also contact Lila's mother every time skips school or doesn't hand in her assignments."

"That's smart," Juleka admitted. She then frowned. "We are putting a lot of faith on those possible new teachers. How can we know they won't be the same as Damocles and Bustier?"

Morana slowly blinked. She hadn't considered that before. Now, she had no choice but to ensure new teachers would be chosen correctly. More work for her. Great

"Don't worry about it. It will be my problem anyway," she said with a small shrug. The girls didn't look convinced but they didn't argue further and Morana appreciated it. They didn't stay longer, there was homework and band practice for them so they couldn't lose more time. Another thing Morana appreciated because she wasn't sure how to make them leave. She needed some time alone. There was a lot of planning to do.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 07 part two

(Masterpost)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Lantern Lighting

Now we have the famous lantern scene, where everybody gets to express their character and have dates, ranging from disastrous to delightful, with the objects of their affection. 

Wei Wuxian continues to be ridiculously good at drawing. 

We’ve all seen Lan Wangji’s lovely first smile in the show a million times, so...let’s look at it again!

This scene is important not just because of the smile, but because there’s a distinct shift in the way they talk about their growing relationship. In the pond, it was “come visit me” and “never!” “I want to be your friend” “No need.” Basically Lan Wangji firmly saying no to Wei Wuxian’s offers of friendship.

This time, Wei Wuxian says “let’s do this together” and Lan Wangji says “I’m used to being alone,” which is not actually a No, just an explanation. And WWX says, you can change that. And then Lan Wangji DOES change it, sharing the lantern and the promise with Wei Wuxian.

Whoever painted this flower is even better than Wei Wuxian at plein air painting. 

(more after the cut!)

Everybody’s wishes

Nie Huasang makes a practical wish. Wen Qing prays for her brother and Jiang Cheng notices how she’s like Yanli. Jiang Cheng isn’t very intense about Wen Qing, which could be a sign of his shyness but could also be a sign of his gayness or aceness. After all, later in life he’s an apparently wealthy clan leader who is hot as fuck, and needs an heir, since his nephew is a Jin. But he’s still not married, 16 years after breaking up with and uh, helping to kill and cremate, the girl he liked in summer school.

The Promise We Made Together

Wei Wuxian makes an ultra-idealistic wish/promise while Lan Wangji watches and falls the rest of the way in love with him, and silently makes the same pledge inside his head. Later they will each refer to this as a promise they made together, which is a really super high level of face-reading by Wei Wuxian, to understand that he really is speaking for both of them here.  While making this promise, Lan Wangji brings out his Yin Iron Magic Bag and waves it around in front of everyone, but nobody notices. 

Let’s take a moment to consider *why* this moment is so powerful for Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji is a boy whose emotions are always on the boil. He’s 100% upset all the time, at this age, and he keeps it clamped down all the time. His cultivation level is probably as high as it is partly because of all the work he does in emotion regulation. (note: if you haven’t read all the meta at @howpeacefulislwj​ , go read it; it’s awesome and hilarious)

Wei Wuxian doesn’t GAF about emotion regulation; he just expresses what he feels, all the damn time. 

He is openly bored, lusty, playful, hungry, whiny. He straight up tells Lan Wangji “you’re boring and you have a stick up your ass” as part of saying he wants to be friends; no deference and also no falseness.  

And he can see right through Lan Wangji’s reserve, barging into his loneliness and isolation without any regard for all of his wards. Wards are made to be broken.

(Unrelated note: Young Lan Wangji's rare moments of contentment seem to come from looking at something beautiful--the moon, falling petals, these lanterns, his mirror.)

But Wei Wuxian is also good. Lan Wangji desperately wants to be good. And here’s Wei Wuxian embodying this awful, amazing, tempting alternative path, in which all the interesting things in life get explored thoroughly, all the sweetness and beauty gets consumed unreservedly, all the pain and ugliness gets confronted and endured without hesitation. 

In this moment, Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji “you can change,” and then offers up this prayer/promise that is just pure chivarly, speaking straight to Lan Wangji’s heart. Very simply, I want to spend my life doing right. Not 3500 rules; just one.

This infuriating boy, who breaks rules and who flirts indiscriminately and who pushes and pushes and pushes, reveals himself in this moment to be a hero at the beginning of his journey, and Lan Wangji sees it, and his heart goes right over the cliff.

The Girls’ Room

The girl cultivators all rush over to Yanli to get in her business about her betrothal, inspiring Jin Zixuan to act like a jerk to her and get even further onto Wei Wuxian’s bad side. 

Talk Shit, Get Hit

Yanli’s wish was that Wei Wuxian would grow up and be good. He promptly launches his own personal Sunshot campaign, punching her fiancee so hard that the sun falls out of the sky and the previously well-lit scene transitions to full night.

So, in English, “don’t mention it again” is really mild, akin to “I don’t want to talk about it.” Wei Wuxian’s reaction makes it seem like Jin Zixuan said something really shitty, like “don’t you dare mention that woman to me!” So I’m assuming something is being lost in translation. 

Lan Wangji tries to calm him down. He grabs Wei Wuxian’s sexy arm muscle and basically holds it until the Jiangs exit the scene. 

Nie Huaisang has placed himself between the opposing factions, which is unusually direct of him. In the future he’ll stick to being an unindicted co-conspirator when Wei Wuxian starts trouble. 

Ants in my Pants

Lan Wangji thinks kneeling can make Wei Wuxian cry, which is adorable of him. 

He really relishes this opportunity to be a pedantic tool to his new boyfriend that annoying boy he hardly ever touches, and it really doesn’t work out for him, poor lamb.

Jiang Fengmian stops by to show exactly how deep his affection for Wei Wuxian runs, and to give him whiplash from constantly changing parental expectations. In a couple of hours he’ll be laughing over WWX & JC’s hijinks.

Wei Wuxian takes this opportunity to fantasize about bad things happening to the other boy in the fight, which is in no way foreshadowing of anything.

Douche Dads Conference

We now convene this meeting of the douchebag council. Jiang Cheng is also invited even though he’s a prick, not a douche. <--important distinction

This is our first time meeting Clan Leader Jin Guangshan. He's actually the most sensible and best parent in this scene, but his smug self-satisfaction hints at his true nature. This actor, Shen Xiaohai, has been active in cdramas for a long while now. I wonder what he looked like 15 years ago?

...Holy mother of god.

Jiang Fengmian is the worst dad and the worst husband here. His clan believes in letting children do what they want - uhh YOUR child wants to marry Jin Zixuan. “I wrote a letter to her mother, who arranged this marriage.” Uhhh she arranged for her sickly, low-cultivation-level, sweet and vulnerable child to marry the heir of a rich and powerful clan, with a powerful mother-in-law who’s looking forward to loving and protecting her. Basically she’s guaranteed her daughter’s safety and comfort, and even potential happiness, since her husband may learn to appreciate her (and in fact, does, thanks to soup and repeated beatings from WWX).

Mom worked hard and probably spent a fair amount of social capital to achieve this. And you’re going to toss that aside because the boy thinks he’s too good for her? What the everloving fuck, how are you a clan leader in the first place? 

You can see that Jiang Cheng understands all of this and what a terrible choice his father is making here. 

So do the other adults in the room.

Jin Guangshen: our wives are going to kill us

Lan Qiren: I'm looking at a couple of dead men

Jiang Fengmian pointedly won’t listen to Jiang Cheng or let him speak, showing that all his talk about being free is actually bullshit, that only applies to other people’s children.

Jiang Chang vaults off of the deck to tell Wei Wuxian about it. Hottt

Sorry Sis

Wei Wuxian goes to Jiang Yanli to sorta-apologize and sorta ask to be let off the hook for fucking up her engagement, which he absolutely did. He knows it, which is presumably why he bows to her in paperman form while hiding outside.

At no time has Jiang Yanli indicated to anyone that she doesn’t want to marry Jin Zixuan, as far as I can see, or said she wanted to be defended from insults with punching. Look how good SHE is at defending a person from insults, for comparison.

Yin Iron Blah Blah Blah

The senior Lans meet with Jiang Fengmian  to talk about the Yawn Yin Iron. Yawn. 

Jiang Fengmian addresses Lan Xichen as Lan Gongzi, which is adorable, since he is a big boy to everyone else. His family calls him Xichen and other people call him Zewu-Jun.

Farewell and Fuck You

The three Jiang kids come to say goodbye.

Lan Quiren says goodbye with a heap of criticism for Wei Wuxian and the horse he rode in on, and Jiang Fengmian basically says, yep, that’s what he’s like, all right.  

Good thing Wei Ying gets so much verbal abuse at home he doesn’t take it very hard when he finds it in the field. 

Wangji doesn’t say goodbye properly, which will be a recurring theme for the two of them.

I don’t know if this is because he has a problem with goodbyes, or is just being a jerk, or because he’s so bad at lying he doesn’t dare talk to Wei Wuxian lest he reveal his travel plans. 

Indulgent Dad Continues to be the Worst

Jiang Cheng complains at Wei Wuxian for wanting to say goodbye to Lan Wangji, and WWX says he likes him because he is equal to WWX in fighting, whereas JC sucks. JC hits him tries to hit him--gosh, he DOES suck, comparatively. 

Yanli, who has been keeping these boys in line all summer, sighs deeply at her Dad’s tolerance for their hijinks. OP has five brothers and this sibling-hijinks behavior is 100% accurate, except for the part where it is happening at someone else’s house in front of the hosts. 

WWX pretending to be Lan Qiren where Lan Wangji can see him doing it, in front of Lan Qiren’s colleague and supposed friend, and just earning a laugh from the patriarch? Good lord.  Dad Jiang tolerating this is shocking, particularly in the in-show culture where corporal punishment is as common as tea. 

We’ve tried Nothing, and we’re all out of ideas!

Uggghh why are you like this?

Here in the real world, OP uses “positive discipline” with her child, and encourages other parents to consider it, particularly if your child is neuroatypical or asynchronous.  That said, JF should be punishing the crap out of both boys for this behavior every time it happens, or should quit being a clan leader.  He’s relying on Jiang Yanli to keep them in line while he gets to just be amused by them. And he’s letting Lan Qiren discipline Wei Wuxian instead of doing it himself. He suuuuuuucks. 

Lan Wangji watches all of this. Lan Xichen reminds Lan Wangji that without Wei Wuxian, he’s completely fucking miserable. Lan Wangji still doesn’t plan to bring him along on his trip, though.

Time to return to our lives of crushing loneliness

Rabbits

At this same moment when Lan Wangji is staring down the barrel of future loneliness, Wei Wuxian is already deciding to leave the (forbidden) rabbits in Cloud Recesses “In case Lan Zhan gets lonely.”  This small decision by Wei Wuxian - breaking the rules of Cloud Recesses for the millionth time - is kinder than he knows. Because what is the job of these rabbits? Let’s have a desaturated flashback. 

Lan Zhan spent 3 years in the ice cave. The rabbits kept Lan Yi company in the ice cave. So...did the rabbits sneak in to keep Lan Wangji company in the ice cave as well? I’m going to say yes. By ep 43 they are following him to the gate of Cloud Recesses so they are very attached to him.  Well done, Wei Ying.

Where my bitches at? Seriously, our warren needs bitches

(Is Watership Down still a thing people read? If not, just go ahead and assume all of OP’s rabbit jokes are about Watership Down because OP ain’t going to stop making them)

While Wei Wuxian annoys the bunny he has a flashback to the scene that happened 4 minutes earlier. The Untamed editors assume the viewership has the attention span of a goldfish, and I personally appreciate that they understand me so well.

Wei Wuxian figures out that Lan Wangji is going on the road alone, and tells the bunny immediately. The bunny is very concerned.

Writing Prompt: What do next-generation cultivators Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi wish for at lantern-lighting time?